Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 206: Moonlight Hike with Eddie Pepitone

Episode Date: January 9, 2012

Comedian Eddie Pepitone stops by before his moonlit walk-a-bout to talk with Jordan and Jesse about, what else, the antiques roadshow, Jordan's hot wing addiction and just how big of a red flag having a hello kitty collection is.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle-dum and twiddly-dee, home free. This week we go for a moonlight ramble through the world of the antiques roadshow with the bitter Buddha himself, Mr. Eddie Pepitone. Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful twilight situation here. We're podcasting in the twilight, Jordan. I was... What is... Is that a period between the night and the twilight?

Yeah, just as you verge on twilight. Oh, okay. Just getting towards twilight. Yeah. That sounds like a particularly sexy time of day do you think this is going to be a particularly sexy episode were you wondering why i'm not wearing a shirt jordan uh i mean i am now you pointed it out i i hadn't noticed before you didn't notice i didn't uh i don't i should say i mean this isn't you know you have a bodily rash that just looks like a red shirt.

Now that I'm looking at it, I'm noticing your nipples and your patchy chest hair. And I'm like, oh, he's not wearing a shirt. But your awful bodily rash just looks like you were wearing a bright red shirt. It's sort of a woolly rash. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. And we probably shouldn't have talked about the rash.

No. It's my fault for bringing up the rash. That's going to hurt. Indirectly bringing up the rash. That's going to hurt sales of your sexy calendar. Yeah, but I mean, at the end of the day, the people who mostly buy my calendar are people who are into rash stuff. Oh, like it's specifically because of your rash. Well, I don't market it to those people, but the regular people aren't really into it because of their rash, and then the rash people are into it because of their rash. Okay.

You see what I'm saying? So, you know, alt.sex.rashenthusiasts. Sure. That news group really lights up. That Usenet news group really lights up in 1997. really lights up in 1997. Is this kind of like how Kevin Smith is both popular in the film nerd community and the gay bear community? Yeah.

You are also popular, you know, like podcast enthusiasts, public radio fans, but also rash fetishists. Yeah, that's my two primary, I mean, that's my go-to demographics. Although I should say that Kevin Smith is popular in those two demographics, whereas I am unpopular in my two go-to demographics. Oh, okay. Yeah, like my main thing is... So they buy the calendar because they like seething. Why do they buy the calendar?

I can scrape together about two dozen fans in each of my two primary demographic groups. Whereas Kevin Smith can fill the entire John Lovitz Comedy Theater. two dozen fans in each of my two primary demographic groups. Whereas Kevin Smith can fill the entire John Lovitz comedy theater. Shall we introduce our guest? Why don't we? Our guest is a beloved stand-up comedian, commentator,

and podcaster. You know him from the Conan O'Brien television program. You know him from the Conan O'Brien television program. You know him from his immense acting resume that includes just too many, basically every program that has ever required a cab driver or a New York yell guy. And if I remember the only episode of Two Broke Girls I've ever seen

You played the voice of a shut-in, right? Yeah, well, a hoarder A hoarder Yeah, same thing though, right? Hi everybody, it's good to be here Nice episode, nice rash I have a rash But I can't

I don't think I should show it You know what I mean? Your rash is in a beautiful place Yeah, it's what I mean? You're actually in a beautiful place. Yeah, it's really nice. It is. When you say in a beautiful place, you mean here in northeast Los Angeles. Is that where we are? Yeah, northeast Los Angeles.

You mentioned you had to take three freeways to get here. Three freeways. And, you know, it was fine, though. It was like bang, bang, bang, got right here. Bang, boom. As opposed to, boy, the five can be trouble. Yeah, you're telling me. You're telling me, Pepper Tone.

We're a couple of Angelenos over here, Jordan. Ah, the five. Yeah. You guys going to talk about Spago now? Anyway, I got to get out to the beach. Wait, Eddie, can I ask about being a voice on Two Broke Girls? Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

I see. I was watching this episode, and then I hear your voice. I'm like, oh, it's one of LA's favorite stand-up comedians, Eddie Pepitone. It's just got to be. You knew it right away. I did, yeah. The premise of this episode is that the two broke girls in question have to clean out the apartment of this hoarder. Yeah. The premise of this episode is that the two broke girls in question have to clean out the apartment of this hoarder. Yeah.

And you are heard from behind a stack of garbage but never seen. Yeah. Which kind of bummed me out at first. It did bum me out at first. And then I was like, wow, this is one easy acting job because I just sat on an apple crate behind newspapers and it was so easy. But you got to actually be like in front of the live studio audience while they were shooting that? Yeah. Wow. I would have thought you just did – see, that was going to be my question.

I see probably the main benefit of being on Two Broke Girls is getting to look at Kat Dennings up close, which seems to be one of the top things that one can do. Yeah. They're both really attractive. Yeah, yeah. But I'm glad you got to do that. I was going to say that would have been a bummer if you just had to go into a recording

studio. Yeah, it was great. Do you have to wear a costume? No, that's why it was so cool. It was like a voice. It was a voiceover job, except I was there live. So you just wore your regular clothes. Walked in in my jeans.

What time was it? Were you wearing a morning suit or a tuxedo? I was wearing my morning suit, which is jeans and a t-shirt. It was before 6. It was before 6 p.m. Yeah, yeah. Right. You hadn't dressed for dinner yet.

Yeah. But that was nice. Do they let you bring your own valet Yeah Morgan Murphy got me that gig Do they let you bring your own valet To the two broke girls set No they don't Because of the subject matter And it's a union thing also

And it's a union thing They got that It's the stage workers valet So Morgan Murphy Another hilarious stand up comedian what does she have to do with that program? I guess she wrote that episode. She co-wrote it, and she was like, oh, Pepitone has to be this guy. And I said, if the only thing you see is the top of my head, I'll do it. I had to have so much extensive work done on the top of my head.

Oh, really? Did you get it tightened up a little bit? I got it tightened up. I got it massaged. I got it quaffed. There's a place called Top of Your Head in North Hollywood just for a thing. In the NoHo tightening district.

There's actually a place called Top of Your Head in West Hollywood. Very different place Very different I went in there for a head tightening That's in the NoHo head That's in the WeHo head district Yeah I think that got harmed in the arsons

Yeah Yes, we talked about the Carsonist The Carsonist Oh, is that? Oh, nice That has a lot of levels, the Carsonist. The Carsonist. Oh, is that? Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. That has a lot of levels, the Carsonist. Johnny Carson. Yeah, nice.

Just two levels, but yeah. I always think things have a lot of levels, and it usually winds up two at most. To be fair, nothing really has any levels. So when one has two, I mean, really, what has levels? Basically nothing. A duplex. Yeah. A sheet cake for a wedding. Yeah, a sheet cake. God, I miss sheet cakes.

What happened to sheet cakes? Are they still... Oh, yeah. Sure, but you gotta cover them with fondant. You gotta cover them with fondant now. Fondant? Yeah, fondant. I don't know what that is. It's like a kind of sort of like a candy shell. Oh, sounds good.

You cover the sheet cake in fondant. If you need to shape something that you can also eat, like if you need something to be edible, but also you need it in a specific shape, I guess you use fondant. Easy to mold, I'm told. Yeah, in North Hollywood, there's a fondant R.S. which is right next to the top of the head. That's in the NoHo Fondant District. Yes, the NoHo Fondant District.

Yeah. It's all part of one big neighborhood. Yeah, it's martial arts, mattresses, and fondant where I live. Very specialized stores. No targets down there.

No targets. Just only very specific places. We believe in individual boutiques in North Hollywood. No targets. Just only very specific places. We believe in individual boutiques in North Hollywood. No masks. Eddie Pepitone is our guest. We'll be back in just a second with more on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective., la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eddie Pepitone, the bitter Buddha. You're the subject of a documentary film now. Wow, that's been exciting, actually. You're beaming. Well, you know, we'll see how it turns out. But the bitter Buddha is the name of the documentary, which is a nickname given to me by my longtime comedy cohort, Sean Conroy, who I do the Longshot podcast with.

It was a great show, by the way. I was a guest on the show. Oh, thank you. Yes, I know you were. You were great. Yeah, I know that, too. I was tremendous. I was great on the show.

I was tremendous. I was great on the show. But two different filmmakers last year approached me within, I would say, two months about making a documentary on me. And I was thinking, am I dying? Like, why are people, you know, seriously, because I'm not a big star. Like, why are people coming and going, going hey we'd like to make a documentary and it turns out they think it's uh interesting that i'm old and still doing this right one guy one guy no that's not true what the first guy who approached me uh he said well um i just like the angle of mental illness in comedy.

And he dropped out. And then the guy who did the documentary on me, Stephen Finars. Turned out he was insane. Yeah, he threw himself off a balcony in the NoHo Fondant. Was that Fondant? Fondant. Fondant District. He threw himself off of a sheet cake.

Anyway. So he's a tiny man. Very tiny. It was a very tall sheet cake. There are a lot of levels on this sheet cake. This was a very special episode of the cake class. But then Steve Fine Arts from Chicago asked me to do a documentary on me. And I was like, sure.

And they just submitted it. We just finished it and submitted it to South by Southwest and a couple other festivals, San Francisco Film Festival. And I'm really excited. Like, oh, is this going to get accepted to the festivals? And then I love festivals, by the way, whether it's Renaissance festivals. I don't know if you guys enjoy. I will say this. If your experience with festivals has been just the Renaissance festival, I will say that South by Southwest and Sundance do not have giant turkey legs.

Damn it. I know. I know. I mean, you can bring your own. South by Southwest Interactive does have a maypole. You should know that. Sure. But only Interactive.

And busty winches. Right. But no, so, you know. And Sundance has a moderate amount of falconry. Not as much as you'd like there to be, but some falconry. I've been to Sundance. Have you guys? I went to Sundance once.

Under what circumstances did you go to Sundance? I went. It was like out of the blue. So my friends, Josh Weinstein and John Viner, John writes for Family Guy for many years. And they wrote a short, a short, a comedy short film that got in. It was called Support Group about guys who get beaten by women at sports, and they're in a support group. I mean, very, like, you know, I thought it was pretty funny, but I didn't think we were going to Sundance.

So I wound up going to Sundance and waiting on long lines to see other films. Did you have to participate in a Q&A? I did not. I was sort of, because there were like six of us in the movie, and those two guys were the directors, blah, blah, blah. They took most of all that and all the all the goodies and stuff so oh i got to go bags yeah sundance really when i went to sundance i i

went as press right and luckily i mean the there are actually some people who work at sundance at the sundance institute that like the sound of young America slash Bullseye, which is, for us, there's one or two people at the Paley Center, the broadcasting museum. There are only a couple of legitimate people that like what we do. So we really try and be... Only a couple? Yeah, there's like six. And so we try and be nice to them and appreciate them.

And so when we heard that they were... They actually emailed us and said, if you want to come, we'll try and help you and normally we have to sort of prostrate ourselves before publicists and harass people just to book you know just to book second build people on cable sitcoms and so we thought well well Sundance I mean, it's the independent film mecca of the world, right? This is going to be a blast. And it's a trip. It's really something. Yeah.

I didn't like it that much. I got out of there in three days. It is insanely expensive. Insanely expensive. It is. Did you have to pay lodging? No. Oh, yeah, we did. We had to... Oh, see, I didn't know.

No, see, no. We had to rent a place, and we rented a place outside of the actual town where it is. We weren't in Park City. We weren't in Park City. We were in the sort of... We were 10 miles away, but there was an insane blizzard. You were in Denver. The blizzard meant that we were 40 minutes away in the five miles away that we were from Park City.

But what's crazy is that there really are just Hollywood douchebags everywhere. Just true classic Hollywood douchebags. Just women wearing Ugg boots in the snow? Yeah, it's like Hollywood got dropped into that little town, right? It's not a real independent... Those boots are not waterproof. Look, I don't know the ins and outs of Uggs, but yeah, I hear you.

They're not even really meant to be worn outdoors. Right, yeah. I think maybe by a pool you can wear them. Yeah, they hear you. They're not even really meant to be worn outdoors. Right. Yeah. I think maybe by a pool you can wear them. Yeah. They're slippers. Sure. I think.

But I mean, it is really a weird, weird thing. And there's just all these. Small town, too. Yeah. And there's just all this really aggressive politicking going on just on the bus. Oh, really? On the the bus i didn't experience that because i would walk to the oh yeah people are getting up in the business card action on the bus that doesn't i hope south by southwest isn't like that and people don't go people don't go to the

movies also they just go skiing people are on the bus to the movies talking about going skiing and how they're not going to go to any of the movies. And it's just a ski vacation with meetings that they go to. They don't go to any of them. It's so weird. I remember I went to one party that I didn't like. Yeah. And it was just crowded and not, you know. We didn't get it.

We had a publicist friend that thought she might be able to get us into a party and we didn't get into any parties. We ended up buying food at the grocery store and making it on the floor of our condo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I've been to the music part of South by Southwest and it's a hoot. It's great.

It's really fun. There's always just a cooler of free beers to drink at all times. Any place you would want to stop. I would love to do that because I don't see much. I did Bumper Shoot the year before last and loved it because of the music. I remember walking around, even though I did get punched in the nose. That's like a famous story.

I did get punched in the nose at Bumper Shoot. I've not heard this. Oh, really? It's just a quick little story. Was it by someone from Interpol? The band, not the international. Although maybe it could be either. The city of Seattle does hire Interpol to police because they just don't trust the feds.

No. I just ran into someone who just banged into me really hard while I was on my cell. You know, have you guys been in bumper shoots? A big crush of like you just walking around. I have not been. Some guy shouldered me and I said, watch where you're fucking going. And he just turned around and went after me. Wow.

And hit me. And he was a big guy. And I was like, holy shit. Then he split. And as he's walking – He punched you and booked? Yeah. And as he's walking away, I yelled.

I was like, do I go after him and really start a fight? And then I just – I wound up yelling, I'm – what did I say? I'm telling. No, I said, I'm reporting you, which was really the same thing. Right, yeah. He was like, report me. It was so funny. And I wound up telling that story the whole time I was at Bumper Shoot, which, you know, I got a lot of mileage.

He didn't hurt me or anything. Yeah, yeah. But it was like, what the fuck? I was in Seattle. It was the first time I was in Seattle. Well, I mean, you've got to figure you're in Seattle. You're at that festival. I mean, that is like a really aggro scene.

You know, you've got gotta figure you're gonna i mean you know like you're gonna sebastian's there getting everybody all ganked up with their yeah folksy chamber music yeah i think i think you get you get enough of that kind of um you get enough of that kind of soft rock in one place, you know? Absolutely. I mean, just something's going to happen. I mean, Band of Horses, they got that organ. Yeah. Oof. That'll get you juiced.

Yeah. That's a soundtrack for rape. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, you didn't have to go all the way there. Nah, probably not. I was thinking of how to draw the parallel between that new Woodstock where there was Limp Bizkit. Yeah. And everybody got rid of it.

The new Woodstock. You remember that? There was a Woodstock. Did that disappear? Yeah, I think that was the last. That's too bad. Yeah. That's too bad.

That is a shame. That's a damn shame. I think there should be a newer Woodstock. Yeah. They should bring those out every so often, the Woodstocks. Why not, huh? We should be clear that Eddie's just talking about Woodstock from Peanuts. They should bring him out.

Favorite character. Very underrated. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Woodstock. Little bird. Very cute. Whistles.

Whistles. Just... He's got those Little lines In his speech bubble Come on What's not to like This generation needs it Badly

Acid The thing that The thing that convinced me That my wife Should not become a lawyer Was this We once My wife went to law school

It was a horrible mistake Wow I've heard that a lot By the way Yeah it is It's terrible Don't go to law school People's wives going to law school Don't go But don't go to law school. It was a horrible mistake. Wow. I've heard that a lot, by the way. Yeah, it is. It's terrible. Don't go to law school. People's wives going to law school.

Don't go. But don't go to law school. So you're saying it's no place for women, Eddie. It's no place for women or men, I think, lawyering. Don't go to law school. Really? That's serious. No, seriously.

Don't go to law school. But this is something that happened to us. My wife was working at a law firm, and she had this boss who was just great. I mean, still sort of a friend of hers and just a really nice, decent lady. And she worked all the time. And I think this is sort of the lawyer's world. Just worked constantly. And we house sat for her.

She had this sweet little dog, and we house sat for her she had this sweet little dog and we house sat for her and we went to her house and i realized when we got to her house that she was never at her house and the way that i realized that she was never at her house was because the dog had written please help me in in shit no No, there was nothing. Like, her house had nothing. Like, it was as though it had been. No personality. Yeah, there was nothing in there.

Zero. Just a scream picture? Just, you know, chairs. That's so sad. It was as though she had she had decorated it the year she graduated from college and had never moved anything except for each room had one thing with woodstock from peanuts are you serious yeah oh that's the connection that is too funny and it was as though it was as though like people she knew, like maybe her parents or something, just every year just thought, oh, what is it that she likes again?

Didn't she say? Lawyering. I remember that she likes lawyering. We could get her a gavel. No, that's judges. Judges have the gavels. She probably doesn't need a new one of those. What about a new briefcase?

She has that. She has a briefcase. An objection? Can you buy those? I guess just another Woodstock from Peanuts thing. Woodstock from Peanuts picture frame. Woodstock

from Peanuts alarm clock. Does your wife not lawyer anymore? No, she took the bar and she never worked as a lawyer um in fact just she's a criminal she decided to go the other way right just um she just decided today uh she just decided today to put to become a non-lawyer she she got her bill no you know you have to pay a bill you have to pay a bill to be a lawyer um You pass the bar and then you pay a bill every year. It's for $400.

Your choices are you can pay a $400 bill and be a lawyer, pay a $100 bill, and then have the option of paying the additional $300 and become a lawyer at any time. And yeah, she decided to pay the hundy. On the topic of adult with woodstock from Peanuts all over their house. Yeah. Just going to take a poll.

Just going to see what you guys think on the subject. I'm going to make a statement, agree or disagree. Okay. The collection that a grown woman can have that raises the most red flags is Hello Kitty. Agree or disagree? Wow. Can you think of a collection that raises more red flags? Hello Kitty.

Refresh me on Hello Kitty. This is a Japanese cat with giant eyes. Oh, God. Yes. Like. What about Cabbage Patch Kids? Yeah. Yeah. Yeahbage Patch Kids? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. That doesn't... I don't know. Something about Hello Kitty kind of implies being emotionally erratic. Maybe that's just personal experiences I've had. But Cabbage Patch Kids. I think heads on poles. Yeah, sure. But Cabbage Patch Kids. I think heads on poles. Back when you were in the house.

Yeah, sure, like a Transylvanian warlord. You were super emotionally erratic during your Hello Kitty phase. I was. Some days I felt like Hello Kitty. Sometimes I felt like Bad Bad Botsmaru. Yeah. Who's the penguin from the Hello Kitty-iverse. I think that, oh, man.

I think that just collections in general are questionable. Interesting. Interesting. I really think... Collections worry me. That's a good point. Right? I mean, I...

That's a good point. I know a bunch of people who have Simpsons stuff, and it's never good. Right? Yeah, that's a bad sign. And I'm not talking about having things. Like, you can have a lot of things. You can have a lot of books. You can have a lot of records.

You can have a lot of DVDs or whatever. But the thing that worries me is when the collection becomes the point rather than the things. Does that make sense to me? sense no that's an interesting when the oh in other words when you're spending your time acquiring the things when the prep when the premise is completing the cycle or getting the filling the holes sure getting uh getting every every getting an album on every color of vinyl that they've pressed a color vinyl album of. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

I think you're – you know, my gut says you're right about collections and about completing things. Do you have any – do you collect anything? No, I do not. But as is typical with me, then I look at that and go, damn it, how come you can't complete anything, Pepitone? How come you... Well, here's the thing. For me, this dislike of collections comes from a natural love of things.

I love shit. I love stuff. I mean, you look around. I got a lot of stuff in my house. You do. And so I have to fight my inclination to collect things i was a collector as a little kid like i collected baseball cards oh you're a reform collector comic books um rocks uh basically anything i could collect i would collect it

and i think that at some point like as maybe as an adolescent, you know, I was like a 12, 13, 14 year old. I realized like I can either go down the path of checking off checklists for the rest of my life or enjoying actual things. And I better do the second one. Yeah. Right. Because otherwise I'm just going to be looking for 1978 tops number 492. Yeah. Are you an eBay guy at all?

It's goose gossage. Oh, I'm a huge eBay guy. You are. And that's one of the things. And in fact, eBay is a significant portion of my income, both because I will, you know, I buy a lot of, I run a menswear, run a menswear blog and a significant portion of the income from our, from my menswear blog comes from, uh,

this eBay roundup that we do where we post our picks of stuff that people should check out on eBay. I got to check this out on menswear. I didn't know you did that. On menswear. I do, I do do this. And,

um, and because I sometimes sell stuff on eBay, but that's sort of a hobby. But yeah, I'm into eBay. My mom's sort of a part-time antiques dealer. I've been getting into that. Really? Well, just from afar.

Of course, I don't collect antiques. I love the antiques roadshow. When you say this, you mean you've been watching Storage Wars. Mm-mm, mm-mm. No, just a roadshow. I don't watch that at all. Roadshow. When you say this, you mean you've been watching Storage Wars. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. Just a roadshow.

I don't watch that at all. I just really love. He loves the Antiques Roadshow. Well, I love to watch it because to me it's just history. It's fucking tremendous. It's history. I love history. Yeah.

Yeah, Jordan. Oh, and I love. It's probably fine. It's a couple thing With me and my girlfriend We watch it And then just Sounds like a fun Couples activity

And then the characters The guys who appraise And the women who appraise Are just funny They're funny The keynotes And all this stuff Okay so I

I want to talk about Something about the road show Everybody who listens To this show knows About how much I love The Antiques Road Show Is that right? Oh absolutely

One of my favorite shows Me too That and Downtown Abbey yeah well i and then sports yeah i've hey we're on the same page also sports a lot of rough and tumble things sure yeah yeah me and peppa tone are on the same page yeah sorry sorry to leave you out here jordan i mean yeah do you guys i mean you can i can talk a little about downtown abbey probably, probably, but I mean, if you guys... We'll have Kumail Nanjiani back on, and you guys can talk about first-person fighters or whatever. That'll be good.

I don't know. I'm just making up what sounds like the name of a type of video game. Sure. Is that a type of video game? First-person fighter? No. You see, why... Well, anyway, I just get obsessed.

Yeah. Like, the collections and then video games, there's a link to me. Like it's all about obsession. Right. You know, and people get obsessed with video stuff, obsessed with it. Yeah. The video games. I have to say I'm obsessed with Skyrim right now.

We'll get into Skyrim in a second. Let's talk about this Antiques Roadshow thing. Is that porn in space? Yeah, that's porn in space. Yeah. Which is amazing because there's no gravity. So the jizz is everywhere. So the Antiques Roadshow... I wonder if it's more difficult to keep an erection in space.

No, easier. Easier. Is it easier? It's probably harder to get rid of your erection in space. Yeah, right? The Cialis thing, they say contact your doctor after three trips around the moon. I forget how it goes. Yeah, I forget how it goes.

There is a warning. Yeah. There's a number of space hours. Well, the thing is, is because time is different in space. Oh, you're telling me. I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do anything about your erection. I want to talk about this.

Jesus Christ. Wait, I want to talk about this Antiques Roadshow thing. Yeah, I want to hear this. So I read this article about the Antiques Roadshow in Current, the magazine and the newspaper of the public radio and television industry, which I subscribe to as a member of the public radio and television industry. And I learned something that really shocked me. I knew and had always been a little uncomfortable with the fact that the appraisers on the Antiques Roadshow are not paid.

They're not paid to be there. And they are working as television performers. They're not getting paid paid they are not getting paid isn't that crazy so they just do it because they get their appraisal name out there yeah contact so you'll you'll come to their gallery to buy antiques from them i think that sucks that they're they should get scaled at least exactly i couldn't agree more. I could not agree more. Rotten. Rotten. But like, you have to think about like, there's an amount of pussy that comes with being on PBS. And like you think about what you spend on a yearly basis going after pussy.

And you probably make at least scale, right? Jordan, I know you don't watch the Antiques Roadshow, but these fellas aren't that into pussy. Oh, you're right about that. That's not that big of an inducement for most of these dudes. Okay. Fair enough. I think that's very true. Well, they probably...

Guys are named Lark on these. Seriously. Well, this doesn't even sound like they're homosexual. It sounds like maybe they're just kind of asexual. Well, they fuck their money pits. Oh, okay. So, I knew that. It sounds like maybe

they want to stick their dick in a 19th century carousel. I knew that and it made me uncomfortable. But, Eddie, you watch the show. You know the pop culture appraiser, the one who wears the Hawaiian shirts and has the ponytail. Yes.

Yes. See, this is why I love that show. I love that the guy never fails to wear a Hawaiian shirt. Like, that's his thing. Yeah, totally. Yeah, you know, he's tremendous. Yeah. And you probably know about Roadshow F. Tompkins.

Oh, that's what we call him too! We are like, this is Paul F. Tompkins' long-lost brother or something. Yeah, like he's... Oh, he does the posters. He does the posters. He doesn't look that much... He looks like a brother or something

of Paul F. Tompkins. It's not so much that he looks like Paul F. Tompkins as that he seems to have stolen Paul F. Tompkins' steez, as they say. He also exclusively wears bold country checks, three-piece suits. He has dark hair and a light complexion. It's so interesting to see reruns

and to see how they've changed their styles. Yes. Okay, so. Yeah. This guy, the guy with the ponytail. I love it, and you're missing out. It sounds like it. The guy with the ponytail.

Hawaiian shirts. A guy who wears a certain kind of jacket. Has been banned. I feel like I've been missed. You guys are really selling this. He has been banned from the roadshow because. Is this true? In the agreement that they signed, when they agreed to become appraisers on the roadshow because in the agreement that they signed when they agree

to become appraisers on the roadshow they not only agree not to be paid they agree to ask permission to do any media and so he went he agreed to

ask permission to do any media so he was in town in Miami They agreed to say that again? He asked permission to do any media. So he was in town in Miami, I think it was, to do a road show. And he also does appraisals on other things. I think he's on some show on the History Channel or Discovery Channel 6 or something like that. Spike? It's actually on Spike. And he hosts... He appraises UFC fights.

Right, yeah. He hosts... He appraises nut shots. He hosts a syndicated public radio show about antiques. That's on, I don't know, 10 stations or something like that. Do we know this gentleman's name? I can't remember what his name is off the top of my head. And so he does regular radio appearances

just on commercial radio stations all the time where he taught where where people call in and it's sort of like a a stump him segment where they call in and describe what they have and he tells them what it is and what it's worth right and he never gets paid for any of it yes exactly and so uh he was in while he was in miami he got invited to do one of these things. And you asked and they said, you can't do it. And he said, OK, I'm just going to do it. But I'm not going to say I'm in town for the roadshow. I'm not going to do it as a representative of the roadshow.

I'm just going to do it as me. He did it. He's now banned from the roadshow. Unbelievable. I mean, that makes the roadshow Nazis. They're roadshow Nazis. Yeah, I don't dig it. Whatshow Nazis. They're roadshow Nazis. Yeah. I don't dig it.

What is the deal with the roadshow? Yeah. Who's the creator? It must be a little bitch, Bemko, or... Did you ever catch her name, the woman who created it? You know who I blame? Mark L. Wahlberg. Ha! Now, there's another funny thing that you're missing.

I choose to blame. He's a very asexual person. And me and my girlfriend, as a couple, we just make fun. You would like to invite him into your bedroom. But we love making fun of how vapid that guy is.

He just seems to have nothing behind the eyes. And we always laugh how at the end of the show he does that very stage talking to someone when he you know what i'm talking about like he goes okay i've talked about this on the show i think i've got more emails about talking about this moment on the show there is this moment jordan on the show at where after he says the outro piece for the show he turns and turns to someone standing in line behind him

and says, he'll be like, so what is that, a book? And it's so staged. Oh, yeah. It's like when the camera is pulling away from a talk show and you see the host lean over. It's sort of like when newscasters do that bowl when they look at it like, and that's it, and then they shuffle their papers.

Right. His way of shuffling the papers is go, what do you got there? What's that? Yeah, and me and my girlfriend as a couple always fill in the blanks. Get away from me or, Wahlberg, it's over.

Get over here. Like the producer yelling, Wahlberg. Like we picture him like Captain of Steel Plus. And after what you told me about what they do yeah he's like a circus animal like a pen elephant you know what I kind of imagine like as soon as someone yells cut

someone runs in and pepper sprays whoever he's talking to and they just fall on the ground writhing and he like he sort of shies away from them love antiques road show and then and then he just shakes hands with someone from uh chub insurance what about this makes it a good coupled show i wonder you because do you watch it with your

wife i do watch it with my wife because women... I just deferred to Jesse on that one. I think for a lot of people, I think it's probably because women like antiques and men like history. Ah, maybe that's it. Now, personally, I like antiques. And my girlfriend likes history as well. You know, I can't get her to stop talking about Hitler. Maybe that's it.

Well, you should shave off that mustache. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's – there's a lot of – one of the things about it is that it's a sort of leisurely based show. And so there's a lot of chatting you can do. Yeah, maybe that's very true. And you can, and I don't know,

my wife and I like to discuss the objects on display, discuss whether we love them or hate them. Yes, yes, that's what we do too. Like, oh, my girlfriend really, really can't, it's hilarious, she can't stand folk art. Oh, see, I, really can't. It's hilarious. She can't stand folk art. Oh, see, I love the folk art. Also, Native American stuff is usually really priced very high. Yeah.

And even though there was a genocide regarding these people. I don't know if it was regarding these people. You know, she's always stunned. guarding these people. It's not like they went and killed the Mayans in regards to the Sioux. I don't know why I'm laughing about this, but... That would just be a funny email headline. R.E. colon genocide.

They went to the Yubangi people of Africa and said, with respect to the Cherokee, we're going to kill all of you. But she can't get over how their baskets are always worth tremendous amounts of money. Yeah, huge money. And I'm always like, well, you know, I'm like, yeah, I don't understand it. And she likes certain types of paintings.

And it's just funny. Our tastes in art are revealed, you know? Yeah. Well well i'm always impressed at how much money paintings are worth amazing yeah paintings are but then you whereas a piece of furniture from like 1600 could be worth oh that's only about 3000 and then some painting and particularly naval i feel bad for you sitting through this but naval paintings are always worth a fortune it's a positive positive delight. I'm hanging on your every word.

Folk art? A Hawaiian shirt? A navel painting is a painting of the artist's navel. The value really depends on the depiction of the wind. And how close to the navel.

Rash always makes it more money. It's called subject matter. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eddie Pepitone, the bitter Buddha. Eddie Pepitone, by the way, brand new comedy album called A Great Stillness. Yes, you can get that on iTunes and Amazon. And it's doing well, by the way. I don't know why. I don't know why either.

It's probably your immense talent for comedy. Maybe that's it. That's probably the key reason. I had such a good show. I was so lucky. It was at Gotham in New York, and Patton Oswalt opened for me. Sure. And it was a magical night um didn't

expect i wasn't even really recording an album the doc guys filmed me and it just turned out to be really good and you just figured you'd you just you just had the audio you're like that's so good yeah that's what exactly what we did yeah and self-published it yeah what are we looking at 995 on itunes 995 amazon it's like about a buck and a half at this point. Wait a minute. No, no, no. Hold on. They lowered it, though.

They lowered it. Eddie, hold on. You're thinking of a replacement AV cord. That's what you could get on Amazon for a dollar. God, I love when the AV cords come up on antiques roadshows. Oh, that is funny. The AV cord appraiser. His sexuality is through the roof.

Really? What kind of socks does he wear? Are they funny? You don't get to see the socks. Oh, okay. Except sometimes on the keynotes. You really only get to see the sexuality. Gotcha.

Yes. And in this case, it's through the roof. Yeah. It's immense. Oh, man. Well, I will say one thing and i may be accused of pandering for saying this but um i've been working like 20 hours a day on bullseye lately um which i'm very proud of by the way and if you haven't already listened to it i insist that you do um i think

it's really fun we had a great downton abbey show last week uh you're my hero for that thank you thank you very much it was very exciting uh the only thing that would have been better is if i could have kissed the daughters from downton abbey um or the mom either one she's very good looking i'm even i'm even turned on by that duplicitous sister yeah like the argument the argument of which of which sister in Downton Abbey is the most fuckable is one that I've had several times. Wow. Really? Yes.

On the PBS.org message board. The one who helps the one get a job. Yeah. Yeah. I should know their names. job. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, I should know their names. And I feel like when people want to have that argument, they write off the duplicitous sister. I don't know.

I do, too. I think she's in the running. I do, too. Which one is that? The middle sister? Yes, yeah. Yeah.

No, I wrote her off. Me, too. I think all that anger and repression, she probably does a lot of weird sex stuff. Oh, that does sound fun, though. Yeah, you're right about that.

Yeah, that sounds really cool. Yeah, if I could convince her that having sex with me would somehow hurt the oldest sister who she's in competition with, then I bet it would be pretty hot. I just watched a season two episode where she did something really dopey, though, so now I'm really not into her right now.

Don't tell me. I'm not telling anything. I'm not telling anything. Anyway, the only other thing I've been doing with my life is playing Skyrim, which we talked about a couple weeks ago. I am sincerely compulsively playing Skyrim at this point, to the point where this is a genuine... One of the big things that you do in Skyrim is gather herbs. Okay. You go around.

It's a role-playing game, I guess. And so you have to gather things to make into potions. Eddie, you have to understand that, like, really, the only video game I really played before with any consistency was NBA 2K7. So anyway, you have to go around. You go from NBA 2K7 to gathering herbs? To make potions, yeah. You hear things like swish from downtown. Abby!

So I was walking my dog today. John Madden breaks in every now and then, and he'll talk about how you're doing. I was walking my dog today. I saw a stand, a bush of lavender. And in real life, I thought, gather. Right. I seriously fucking thought that I thought, gather. Right. I seriously fucking thought that I could gather it. I confused video games in real life.

That's a red flag, isn't it? Yes. That's a red flag. That flag is very red. Yeah, I would take a step back. I would like to know. I mean, I feel like I've heard, I've had, you know, super role-playing game guys explain to me why it's the best role-playing game. And I'm like, well, yeah, you're a role-playing game guy.

But what is it, from the casual gamer's point of view, why is it way more addictive than, you know, anything else? I don't know. You just go around fighting these different monsters. It's really beautiful. Like, there's a good amount... Aren't the days of the week called something funny? Don't they have... Yeah, but I don't really pay attention to that.

I mean, it's a really nice... It's a nice blend of... It never... Like, you go... Even when you're, like, just wandering around miscellaneously, enough stuff happens that you don't get super bored, but not so much stuff happens that it's annoying that you can't get super bored but not so much stuff happens that it's annoying that you can't get where you're going um that's an important balance that they really

nailed um yeah like uh you die it's like challenging but not too challenging um i don't know i don't i don't never played a bad one of these kind of games and maybe i just should have been playing games where you gather herbs all along um but yeah i've just been playing it completely obsessively uh just shooting spells out of my wand what's the and what's the and i and the the other thing about the other thing about this game shooting spells out of your wand in space the other thing about this game um is like there's people who want to complete this main quest, and then there's people who just want to. I'm not sure even what the main quest is. Okay.

That's one thing, is that I don't really... I have a hard time... Like, I know that there's people who are, like, getting 100% of something. Sure. I have a hard time following what I'm supposed to do in most video games uh and so i'm glad that there's a lot of stuff going on around like in all of those sort of um in like a grand theft auto game all of the miscellaneous bullshit really just feels like miscellaneous bullshit sure um and it's not it's not that it's not like pleasant and distracting but it's sort of like hunting in o Sure. And it's not that it's not, like, pleasant and distracting,

but it's sort of like hunting in Oregon Trail. Like, it's just sort of like, just here's some bullshit you can do. You want to earn some new rims for your car that don't affect its performance? Yeah, but in this game, it kind of feels like the point of it is just to do cool stuff. Like, you can just go anywhere in the game, and there will be cool stuff to do. It all feels as important as everything else.

Like, the herb gathering is important as the orc slaying and the wench marrying is as important as the elven dice. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, you can learn new dunks. Yeah, sure. Wait, am I thinking of NBA 2K7? You've gone back to thinking about NBA 2K7. You've gone back to thinking about NBA 2K7. Right, now I'm thinking about NBA 2K7. Eddie, you were saying before we started taping that you feel like just video games missed you entirely.

Yeah. Yeah, I really have no interest in them. Have you? I don't have any interest in them. Like, I bet Sean Conroy loves playing video games. You know, I don't think Sean plays them that much. Really? Yeah, he likes reading Naval History.

Oh. I'm serious. Which is the history of the belly button. Yes. Right. Yeah, Sean loves belly buttons. No. But I never got into them.

So it's funny listening to, like, you know. But, you know, it's probably good because I have an addictive personality, and it sounds like it could be very addictive from what I've heard. Is that why you got all that Hello Kitty shit? I got to get back to it, guys. It's in the car. Let's call him a name. Do you think it's alive?

We should explain that right now, Eddie is holding a bad, bad Batsmaru keychain and rubbing it with his hand. And he'll whisper, it's going to be okay. He'll mouth everything, it's going to be okay. It'll be okay, Batsmaru. But it's funny hearing that you're gathering herbs in a video game. You gather so many herbs and honeycombs.

I picture farmers playing this video game like could you imagine guys who really farm for a living playing this video game you can farm you can farm in this video game you can go and collect wheat and potatoes out of the fields that is a thing you do in this video game i don't it's it's completely i mean it is completely engrossing to me completely engrossing and i have not been frustrated by it at all which i find most video games completely frustrating i mean that's what did it to me with the couple of video games i tried to play i tried to play there was a pilot that pat noswell and b Poussin were involved in about gaming. Because Brian, I think Patton as well, but Brian Poussin is a huge video game player. And I think we played, what is the game where you, this is going to, that's just going to, Halo?

Yeah. Yes. I'm so bad coordinating that stuff. Yeah, I'm terrible at that too. That I get pissed off. I'm a real competitive person, so I get really pissed off immediately that I can't hold down the clicker. Like, I'm just, it just kind of went by me. And I don't mind it because I like to read.

Something I like about this game is that I can make my guy a bow and arrow guy, and then I can just hide and then aim it. And I get basically as long as I need to to aim my bow and arrow gun, and then I let it can just hide and then and then aim it and i get basically as long as i need to to aim my bow and arrow gun and then i like let it go and shoot the guy and i don't need to aim like a like a gun aiming you have to aim it with another thing while other stuff is happening and the guys and i can't fucking deal with that fuck that too much yeah it's too much shit happening it's just like ah ah, shut up, TV. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about, Jordan. Yeah, shut up, TV. Start appraising something. Start showing me a real-life appraisal. Anyway, Jordan, I feel like we haven't talked about you today. Yeah. What's going on with you? Here's my thing that I'm struggling with. I am currently in the middle, or I hope toward the end,

I am currently in the middle, or I hope toward the end, but it seems like I'm in the middle of the most intense food craving I've ever had. I have had this two-week, three-week fascination with hot wings. Is there a place that is near you that sells them? Yes. Well, here's the thing. We have to get the problem right thing. It's like I will – We have to get the problem right away. Like it's by you. It's close to you.

Yes. But no, it wasn't like a place didn't tip it off, or at least I don't think it did. But now I'll drive by a place and I'm like, I haven't tried the Hot Wings there. And I'll panic a little bit. I should try and schedule that into my week. there and i'll like panic a little bit like i'll like i i should try and schedule that into my week and it's it's a weird thing to have a craving for because um i i feel like i feel like you feel ashamed when you're eating them it's like this i'll tell you i went i once went to uh last time i was in new york i had dinner with uh my friends the internet Celebrities, Dallas and Rafi and Kaz.

And they make these tremendous web videos, InternetCelebrities.com. And, I mean, you can see them on the videos. So I don't think I'm speaking out of school when I say that two out of three of these dudes, the ones who are on camera, Dallas and Rafi, they're a little bit fat. These guys are a little bit fat of guys. I bet you're being nice. These guys are a little bit fat. Well, Rafi is sort of a little bit roly-poly, and then Dallas is a little bit fat. Right.

And Dallas picked the restaurant that we went out to eat at. right and um dallas picked the restaurant that we went out to eat at and the restaurant that we went out to eat at was a wings restaurant in um i think maybe it was in williamsburg or something it was somewhere in brooklyn and dallas is from brooklyn and he's this kind of dude where um he's like a real blue-collar dude and he is really into food. And so he is really into places to eat where you can get a lot of something for a dollar. That's just a recipe for death. And so we went to this place. Inexpensive death. And this was the place where wings were 15 cents a piece.

Oh, sure. Yeah. 15 cent wings. And so I ate so many fucking chicken wings, Jordan. I literally ate, I think I ate 40 chicken wings. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out how much at 15 cents a piece. That's where my mind goes yeah two dollars

it's like okay you ideally you're eating hot wing what's the ideal situation you're with some other men I do not want to eat them in front of a woman maybe that's sexist

but it's like I don't know I would feel like unless they're eating them no not even then I don't like – Unless they're eating them. No, not even then. I don't know. Even if they're eating them.

Even if they are a crazy barbecue sauce mess. Maybe that is an issue with women that I have. Maybe it's a little bit sexist. I'm willing to admit that. But I feel like I don't want a lady to see me in that – In that state of barbecue? State of sauce face pulling a bone out of my mouth. I feel like a jackal, like a jackal over a corpse. That's true.

It's too small to keep track of. Right. I mean, and it's one of those things like you just have to resign yourself to being a mess when you eat them. It's like this part of it, I'm going to have a giant pile of napkins in front of me. It's going to be gross. I put on a smock. Yeah. Sure.

A wing smock. Yeah. Like a lead smock. It's got a big picture of Downton Abbey. You keep it in the trunk of the car, like with your softball glove and a flashlight. Sure. And I leave my girlfriend in the car. I'm with you.

Yeah. I'm like, honey, just stay in the car. I'm going to go get some wings, give you my smock. Roll down the windows a little. Hand me the smock. It's behind the In-N-Out of the Beat album. I don't know why that popped into my head. So, like, think about

these situations where you're with dudes where you could eat wings. How much does that come up? Twice a month? That, like, I'm out drinking beers with the dudes twice or three times a month? I want them several times a week. It's not a meal. like I'm out drinking beers with the dudes twice or three times a month. I want them several times a week. It's not a meal. Can I come? Yeah.

I mean, if you want – yeah, sure. Absolutely. You can totally come to Chicken Wings with me. Just basically just call me when you want them and I will come get them with you. Well, the sugar is very addictive. You know what? And I think that's part of it. Sugar is extremely addictive.

Right. Because you don't eat sugar sugar. Yeah. I gave up sweets last year. Are you still doing it? Yeah, well, I'm still doing it, and that's what I think it is. I think it's like I've not had

proper sweets for so long. Yeah, you're addicted to the sugar. That might be it. Anyway, so I think that's probably the culprit. So I should probably... They're very sweet. Blue cheese is addictive, too, though. That's so good. So I should probably They're very sweet Blue cheese is addictive too though

That's so good I've been in so many 12 step blue cheese groups You wouldn't believe it Celery all over the place in these rooms Celery and coffee Yeah People ask me what's that on my pants And I tell them jizz

It's not It's blue cheese dressing You'd rather have them think it's jizz That I jizzed all over my pants and I tell them jizz. It's not. It's blue cheese dressing. I would rather people that I jizzed all over my pants. Do you think that it's okay to give addicts ranch? Or do you

think that they'll just get addicted to that? Well, you know, that's a big discussion in the blue cheese 12-step community. That's what they do in Vancouver. In Vancouver, there's a place where you can go and they will give you fresh cucumbers and ranch. Well, here's the thing, though. I think people are just sharing the little cups that it comes in.

I think as long as those are clean and they're disposed of after each use, that's good. Because you don't want anyone to get AIDS. I can eat so many of those fucking wings, man. It's so delicious. But it's like when I want them as – I can't – you shouldn't have them as a meal. Like do you get wings and a salad? Yeah. I guess – I don't know.

Wings are – they are party food. Yeah, yeah. I guess – I don't know. Wings are – they are party food. They are that like, OK, I am going to go off track with my life for a little bit. That's what wings are about. I really believe they lead to harder things. I mean if you – you are talking about a possible problem. You're doing wings how many times a week? I'm serious. You might wind up killing

chickens yourself like you may you know go to central california butchering them where the factory farms are where they slaughter them like a holocaust every day and you may you may start doing that you know yeah but no i mean i probably find yourself in chico right yes that's a sign yes if you find yourself in Chico in a blackout. I'm blacked out. I wake up. I've got a

butcher smock on. Exactly. Anyway, but I probably should just try and go cold turkey. Well, if you did it with sugar,

if you quit sugar. Yeah, I mean, you could quit chicken wings. Right. No, don't quit chicken wings. Can you eat chicken wings near my house?

Where I would... If I drive by a place that looks like it might sell chicken wings, I just want to go in and eat the chicken wings there. Will you come near my house and eat chicken wings with me? Sure, yeah. Where do we eat them? I feel like I'm presiding over... I don't know, there was a chicken wings place near my house,

but then it closed before I could go to it. Oh, man. It like opened and closed. Oh, that doesn't sound good. I wanted to go to it so bad. I so wanted to go there. Oh, you know what? I won't.

You will be one of the first people to get bird flu, by the way. Just know that. No, know that, that you will be on the forefront of whatever kind of avarian killer flu. I'm already battling blue cheese mania. Look, look. Outbreak was not about blue cheese. It was about avian flu. We'll be back in just a second.

I'm Jordan Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eddie Pepitone, the bitter Buddha. Pepitone's with us. He, of course, has a great new comedy CD called A Great Stillness. A documentary film headed to theaters across america most likely i mean i gotta figure you're you're you're you're planning on a nationwide release right i think not maybe what like not quite independence day wide but like roughly just

about independence day right you know we're already working on uh you know merchandise you know just do not sell the rights do not sell the rights because that is how george lucas got rich you do not want to sell the rights yeah you do not want to sell the merchandising rights and then you when the you know this third fourth fifth generation of toys and kenner is making all the money you do not want kenner making the money you're not on me yeah no no i don't want children having bitter buddhas those reticulated bitter buddhas yeah with with new york style yelling action be still be still and know God for Christ's sake

That's your catchphrase Yeah, I just made it up Namaste motherfuckers I like Let's talk about our sponsors this week First of all, MakePixelArt.com The world's only website and telephone application for making pixel art, I choose to believe. That's definitely the only one that advertises on our show, right? Yeah, so it makes it the most goodest.

I also choose to believe that all of Skyrim was made on MakePixelArt.com. Probably was. Right, probably. Maybe, maybe. That'll be a fun thing someone can do on MakePixelArt. Go on and make your favorite Skyrim character. No, favorite Downton Ab, probably. Maybe. Maybe. That'll be a fun thing someone can do on MakePixelArt. Go on and make your favorite Skyrim character. No. Favorite Downton Abbey character.

Yes. Sure. Favorite Downton Abbey character. If you could make any Downton Abbey character on MakePixelArt.com, which one would it be? I think it would be Earl of Grantham's dog. His dog. I love the dog. That's a great dog.

That's another thing me and my girlfriend do as a couple, because we live in an apartment complex that doesn't allow us... I really lead into that poorly, but we live in an apartment complex where we can't have dogs, and we're always going... We have dog envy. Whenever we go to parks, we love dogs. Yep. And whenever the dog on Downton Abbey comes on, we're like, oh, look at the doggy.

Yeah. It's a cute doggy. Okay. Let's take a quick look. It's so sad. Let's take a quick look up at the Jumbotron. We got a personal message up there from Ben to Greg and Shannon. We know Greg and Shannon. personal message up there from ben to greg and shannon uh dear we know greg and shannon uh dear greg and shan i can't imagine a greater sacrifice than you guys missing this year's max fun con in

order to best man slash be a part of my wedding day come on i'm so lucky to have best friends like you much love ben greg and shannon missing max fun con for the first time so they can uh be Much love, go. It's Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Hey, Jordan. Hey. I want to plug a MaxFun podcast. Sure. Stop podcasting yourself.

Yeah, sure. This is our northern friends. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that an appropriate? Is that a clan in Skyrim? I think. Do you have northern friends that you're going to go?

I think that people, I just really think that people who like Jordan and Jesse Goh would like Stop Podcasting Yourself. And I think that there are probably a lot of people in our audience who have not yet given them a try. Yeah. And I would like them to give them a try. Absolutely. Because here are some great reasons.

Number one, they have a delightful sly wit. Mm-hmm. Number two, they're the sweetest guys in the world. Sure. Number three, Graham can make paintings with his beard. Anyway. I love those guys. Those are great guys. They're tremendous, right?

They're sweethearts. They're great. And they're fucking hilarious. If I could maybe suggest an entry point. Sure. The butt. They did a recent episode. Be my girlfriend as a cup.

Really? They did a recent episode with Paul F. Tompkins, who's been on the show, we mentioned earlier. And it's great. So if for some reason you're like, sounds like there's too much Canada stuff. Yeah. Listen to this one with an American. Yeah. Get you accustomed to all the Canada stuff.

Then you just dive right in. And Paul has not only been a regular guest on their show, but a big booster of their show. In fact, just the other day I had a conversation with Paul F. Tompkins about how great they are. He prefers it to this show. That's true. Admittedly true anyway check out our friends stop podcasting yourself we'll be back in just a second i'm jordan jessico jordan jessico i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective i'm eddie pepitone the bitter budd bitter Buddha. Eddie Pepitone not only has a new

comedy CD, not only featured in a new documentary film, also one of the hosts of the very funny podcast The Long Shot with the great Sean Conroy, Jamie Flam, you're helping me out with Amber Kenny. Thank you very much.

Yes, thank you. I know that Flaminator for a long time. You ever call him the Flaminator? I don't. The Conroys called him everything. It's got to be fun to be named Flam if you've got a good attitude about it, which Jamie does. He's got a good attitude about pretty much everything. He's a real sweet guy.

Yeah, very sweet guy. Very sweet guy. It's a fun show. You know what I like about your show? What do you like? I'm going to tell you what I like about your show. Well, I mean, everyone on the show is very funny and talented. I like how Sean Conroy

takes his role seriously and is a pro. He totally is. He's a great host. He's a great host. I'm sick and tired of podcasts where everyone on it is just fucking around. Here's, in fact, I'm going to say something.

This is a new segment on the show called Jesse Gets Something Off His Chest Oh, this sounds like a good segment There's a lot of podcast reviews and stuff Where people, where we are often reviewed positively And they say, you know, it's amazing It seems like Jordan Jesse Goh is going to be one of those, a couple guys sitting around talking. But it really seems to move well and be engaging and funny, etc., etc., etc.

And they go on to describe how it's an entertaining show. You know what the reason is? It's because we're fucking professionals. That's why. And if anyone says, here's a good entry point, always say in the butt. Number one. I mean, it's the least you

can do. We are professionals. We are paid to be broadcasters. That is what you learn in broadcasting. If you ask Walter Cronkite, if you ask Ted Koppel, they will tell you in the butt. I knew about Koppel, did not know about Cronkite.

No, but in all sincerity. Koppel stole it from Cronkite. Like, seriously. The reason the fucking show moves is because we don't fucking host a show. That's why. That's why it moves well who are you mad at i don't understand i know who he's mad at yes he's mad at all these podcasts that meander and think that just because you have an amplification system in front of you that it

somehow is interesting yeah i mean look our show certainly does meander but that doesn't mean that we're not professionals that know what the fuck we're doing. We've been doing this show for fucking 12. We've been working together for 12 years, Jordan. Our show may be juvenile, and it may ramble, but we do vocal warm-ups before we start. Our voices are warm. The tip of the tongue, the

teeth in the lips, the tip of the tongue. Red leather, yellow leather. You know you need. You need to do yours. Jesse, you're too high. Go up here. Johnny had a head like a ping pong ball. Johnny had a head like a ping pong ball. Let's go to the calls, shall we?

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guests. This is Sean in Virginia, and I was calling with a momentous occasion. I just bought a brand- couch for my brand new apartment, and my girlfriend and I celebrated by immediately having sex on it. And it was awesome. Love the show. Bye. Oh, man.

The winner of that call by far is the girlfriend. Yeah. The girlfriend. The girlfriend put... I was like, going into this thing, I was a little dubious. Sure. Two thirds of the way through, I'm thinking C plus, B minus, A plus. With the girl laughing. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Like it sounded post-coital. Yes. Yeah, I agree. It was tremendous. Tremendous post-coital laughing. Oh, my gosh. That was fantastic. The sexual satisfaction really shone through in the laugh.

Yes. I didn't know they did that in Virginia. Couch fucking? Yeah. Fucking in general? Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Zach from Michigan, first-time caller. I just recently finished my eight-month endeavor to listen to every Jordan and Jesse Go from Episode 1 through 205.

It took him a long time because he has to pause when he's laughing. Sure. I feel as though I've been rewarded by the cosmos by a momentous occasion. So I'm at my little brother's basketball game today, and the opposing team was coached by none other than the epitome of a cholo dad. About 300 pounds, old English D, flat bill cap,

a crucifix tattooed on his arm. It was pretty glorious. If that weren't great enough, though, so I'm walking to his car after the game, and he had a bumper sticker for none other than Settlers of Catan. I thought that was pretty fantastic. Thank you.

Eddie, for your benefit, we talk a lot about how delightful Cholo dads are on the show. Settlers of Catan is a very nerdy board game. Eddie, you know, you're comfortable knowing what a Cholo dad is, right? Yeah, totally. This is a dad,

this is a former Cholo who is now a dad, but has lost, has only lost a former Cholo who is now a dad. Who now is a dad, yeah. But has only lost a little bit of what made him a terrifying Cholo in his youth. Right, right. Right, okay. Settlers of Catan is maybe the nerdiest board game. It is the board game equivalent of the video game Jesse is playing. Yeah.

It is a European board game touted for its uh touted for its what for its it is the it is supposed to be the perfect board game sure by it is the adams family pinball machine of board game wait is the adams family i was talking to a pinball enthusiast once yeah and their their those people yeah their um theory or i guess maybe a popular theory in the pinball enthusiast community is that the reason pinball is not as popular as it once was is because they've already invented the perfect pinball machine it was the tie-in pinball machine for the first adams family movie and that that got pinball so right that pinball wasn't able to advance because it's perfect.

Anyway. And later pinball machines were insufficiently ooky. Right. And did not have a song by MC Hammer. Right. Well, I can understand that. Anyway. Hello, Jordan, Jesse Guest. Here's a momentous occasion I thought you guys might like.

I'm calling from Austin, Texas. I was waiting at the bus stop, and there was about a half dozen other people, including a guy who was dressed kind of like a rich grandpa. You know, he had a big old class ring on, a fancy watch. Top hat, a monocle. He was driving an open-top Roadster. We know what a rich grandpa dresses like. Sure.

He was wearing a Polish shirt and khakis, nice glasses, nice shoes. And the only thing non-grandpa about him was that he was smoking a joint. Like, it was a cigarette. Just tossed that thing right down

in front of a half dozen other people while we were waiting for the bus. Pretty momentous. Okay, bye. I want to be like that guy. That sounds like a good way to age.

You know, I had a delightful pot experience recently. I went to a birthday party at a roller rink recently. A, we all had to come up with roller derby names. Mine was Tom Booze Cruise. I thought that was pretty funny. Thing two about this um it was like a 25 and over night at this roller rink and it was all uh i mean it might as well have been 40 and over because everyone there was like a 50 year old couple who was doing like crazy roller skate disco moves and it was all like disco music.

And like these 50-year-old people were being very impressive on roller skates. And these people... Roller disco people are fucking amazing. It's totally amazing. And they did not seem in shape otherwise. These were people... Really? Yes.

Sounds like they could get hurt. Yeah, yeah. And anyway, so it was super delightful. It was great to like see all that up close. And then I went to the bathroom, and it reeked of pot. Reeked of pot. Yeah, yeah. It was great.

A plus. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Erin calling from Vancouver, Canada. And I have a New Year's-related momentous occasion for you. So this past New Year's, when midnight was rolling around, I was actually backstage at a concert, and there was a fairly elderly woman there with me. I want to say she was maybe 70.

And as New Year's hit, the clock struck 12, she went in for a New Year's hug to wish me a happy New Year's and went to give me a kiss, which I thought would be on the cheek. Nope. She avoided that. Got me square on the lips and then proceeded to split me the tongue. Which was interesting because I've never made out

with a 70-year-old woman before. Not wanting my friend that I was there with to miss out. I suggested that she also wish my friend a happy new year. And she did in the same manner. And then proceeded to thank me for suggesting I wish or she wish my friend a happy new year by giving me another kiss. It was awkward.

Love the show. Thanks. Bye. Eddie, you and your girlfriend have had a similar. No, you know what happened to me once? I did a film... I was watching Downton Abbey, and the Dowager Countess was over. A big flower show was coming up.

I did a show in upstate New York many years ago. I would say maybe 20 years ago, something like that. And a woman of that age kissed me as well like that. And, you know, I was a little turned on. Yeah. Because she's

lived a life. She's lived a life and she knew how to kiss. And that's sexy. It was amazing. It was amazing because I had no idea this was coming. She was the owner of this establishment where I had performed. This is a woman who's fucked some couches. I would think so. But it was bizarre, you know?

It was bizarre. I immediately started gathering herbs. That's all you can do in that situation. That's all you can do in that situation. That's all you can do. You know what you got to do? Gather some herbs and head to the roller disco. Yeah, right? Oh, my God.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Hey, look, if you have a momentous occasion, call us. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris,

boy detective. Eddie Pepitone, the bitter Buddha. Pepitone, Pepitone, Pepitone is here. it's Pepitone. Eddie, after we get done here, you're going on a moonlight stroll, right? Yes, I am. This is a big thing.

I'm going with Ron Lynch, a brilliant comedian, and someone who I think belongs under the moonlight, and his girlfriend and my girlfriend, and then we're going go watch downton abbey that sounds amazing but it sounds amazing it's in griffith park and there's this moonlight stroll like i've never done is this a group or just the four of you it's the four of us plus one okay yeah an opera singer is coming with us sure Sure. I'm serious. To sing at the appropriate times. Jesse Norman. Legendary opera singer, Jesse Norman. Placido Domingo is coming with you. Michael Buble?

I've never done it. We were told to bring a flashlight. I'm excited. I'm excited. I haven't gotten my walk-in today. I'm at the age where now I take constitutionals. Sure. I take constitutionals. Sure. I take constitutionals myself.

You do. Just today I was taking a constitutional. I tried to gather some lavender. Yeah. That's great. I like that. Yeah. I like that.

That's my evening. You know, I'm bolting to a moonwalk. I mean, yeah, a moonwalk. Frankly, I... I'm going to walk on the moon. I have a hard time imagining you and Ron Lynch going on a moonlight walk and then watching Downton Abbey without doing any bits the entire time. Right, right. Without having any material prepared.

Downton Abbey is... Well, it's riveting. You know it's riveting. I don't like to do bits during Downton Abbey I know it's riveting We've all been riveted by it I'm riveted, you're riveted Everyone is riveted

There was some debate over the outcome Of a flower show It's a riveting program A snuff box Was missing briefly Honey can you rewind that I want to hear who won the flower show just again i want to hear it it's such a great moment um a woman came in wearing pants like if you just say the things that happen in downton abbey to someone it sounds like the

stupidest show in the world hold it is the chauffeur fomenting political change? Honey, can you rewind that? Is the chauffeur fomenting political change? Is he considering leaving the service? Wait a minute. They put a phone in? Rewind that.

And he had problems answering it? Rewind that. They put a phone in? There's a missing snuff box? When did that happen? You know what? You're having a lot of fun right now, but if the Dowager Countess were here, you wouldn't have such a smart mouth.

I would not. She would be ready with a cutting remark. Oh, the Dowager Countess. We like to roll... Miss Jane Brody, by the way, no longer in her prime. However, I'd say this is a second prime for her. Yeah. As the Dowager Countess.

She's great. She's great. She's fucking awesome. She's riveting. She's absolutely riveting. Hey, I want to mention one thing before I... As usual, I've forgotten to pick a tweet of the week. I want to mention one thing, which is that we got this free Xbox.

We have a friend who works at the Microsoft Corporation. Perhaps you've heard of it. And they were kind enough to send us, they had some leftover Xboxes. And they were kind enough to send us some Xboxes leftover Xboxes and they were kind enough to send us some Xboxes and so we have this Xbox and so in the next week whoever posts the best thing on the Bullseye Facebook

wall gets a free Xbox in the mail so it's facebook.com slash Bullseye with Jesse Thorne preferably something that connects to Bullseye in some way you know some video or some remark about Bullseye or whatever show some creativity somebody made a Max Fun Abbey graphic

I think that's a pretty good example of a good thing pasted our heads onto all of the characters bodies from Downton Abbey wow I would like that so you know just do that I will also mention that Jordan Jesse Go is on the Facebook, so you should like that there as well. Right?

Yes. Oh, Jesse, while you're picking a tweet of the week, can I plug a live date? I'd rather you didn't, but I guess I have to let you. Oh, past guest Kumail Nanjiani is doing the first live version of his podcast, The Indoor Kids, on Saturday the 14th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. And I will be doing a bit in it. So, yeah, it's a great, great podcast. It's one of the – it's perhaps the sole intelligent video game podcast.

And he's great on it, super hilarious. And I think the show is going to be very funny so that's uh saturday the 14th at meltdown comics okay i'm gonna give uh i'm gonna give this week's tweet of the week to a panderer uh at sean darb uh best part of returning from afghanistan realizing a year's catalog of maximum fun podcasts are ripe for the listening. Oh, come on. That's great.

Uh, hashtag JJ go and MB, MB, AM, et cetera. Um, I presume stop podcasting yourself and, uh,

bullseye are also on his list as well as judge Sean Hodgman. So Sean, uh, you'll probably never make it. He'll probably take you another year to get to the point where you're up to date to this episode, but email our intern. We will send you a t-shirt.

Also, probably we were assuming he was in the service of our nation. It's possible he's just been visiting. Vacationing. He may be some sort of illicit arms dealer. Yeah. Cheap airfare these days to Kabul. Yeah, that's true. The prices have never been better.

It is a tremendous value. You can see some amazing stuff. A lot of great, a lot of cool stuff has been uncovered by the carpet bombing. Yes, yes. It's a good time to go. Anyway, tweet about JordanJesseGo. Hashtag it JJ Go We are on Tumblr JesseThorne.tumblr.com

And JordanMorris.tumblr.com And on Twitter At Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris Check out Eddie's podcast The Long Shot which is great And Eddie's CD Which is called A Great Stillness

And is available now in your information tunes. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our telephone number 206-984-4FUN. Our email jjgoe at maximumfun.org We'll talk to you next time on

Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show.

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