Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 208: The Sex Dungeon With Chris Fairbanks & Alison Becker

Episode Date: January 25, 2012

When Jesse's away Jordan turns the studio into a sex dungeon! He invites Chris Fairbanks and Alison Becker to join him. Can't buy me love? Dubstep? Cats? Yup, just the kind of Dungeon you'd expect on Jordan, Jesse, Go!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, dumby, Jesse Thorne is on sabbatical.

But never fear, I've got comedian Chris Fairbanks and actress Alison Becker. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne out on sabbatical, shooting new episodes of his web series, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne out on sabbatical shooting new episodes of his web series Put This On. But not to worry. I have two very able, very talented, very mucusy co-hosts with me today. First, we have the most, perhaps the most requested return guest in the history of the program, a, uh, a standup comedian, a television personality, and, uh, someone

who is, I think we established full of mucus, Chris Fairbanks. I don't, I don't know. I guess it's allergies. Thank you, Jordan. What are you, what are you allergic to? I don't, I think the ocean. Okay. Well, you should pick a new state to live in. Yeah. And maybe in that state, not have the closest I think the ocean. Okay. Well, you should pick a new state to live in.

Yeah, and maybe in that state not have the closest place to the ocean. Yeah, you live in Venice Beach, so you could... I really think I'm allergic to the ocean. It's that clean, breezy air. Yeah, maybe you should live in like a smelting plant or a smog factory. I used to live in Texas, and it's like a claritin commercial there there's just feathers and full dandelions floating you just look up and there's things different plant life and and i never got the sniffles there yeah and and uh if you're if you're hungry you just

open your mouth and accept some spores yeah that's why that's why there's no fat people in Texas. Yep, because they're eating flying dandelions. It's not the barbecue or lack of physical activity. That's right. Take that, South. In addition to Chris Fairbanks, as if that wasn't enough, we have a first-time

JJ Go guest, an actor, a writer, a comedian, someone you might recognize from her recurring role on Parks and Recreation or the web series Dating Rules from My Future Self, Ms. Alison Becker. Alison, thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. How mucousy are you?

Moderately. Yeah? A normal amount. Okay. Of mucus. Okay. Should I reach for more? Well, I mean, I'm going to give you a handful of Starbursts.

I'm going to want you to eat this whole pack. So by the end of the show, you're phlegm-ier. I will. But that in no way is me endorsing Starbursts. I just want to make that clear. Yeah. We can make it another phlegm-inducing candy. I think Starbursts is the best, though, right?

Yeah, yeah. That and a Jolly... Or not a Jolly... A Daddy. A Daddy Ruth. Sugar Daddy? It's on a... Sugar Daddy!

The one I couldn't eat because of my braces. We'll get you some sticky candy and then hopefully by the end you sound like a giant booger factory. I like that you said you reached for some mucus.

Like, I just pictured a bunch of mucus in a jar on the shelf. Yeah, or like a grandma instead of having a bowl of sucking candies. Just mucus? Are they like the little characters in the Mucinex commercials? Yeah.

Up on a shelf? Sure. Yeah, they're like cavity creeps that live in your toenails. Have some of grandma's boogers, is what she would say. It's in this cur jar. It's right next to the ribbon candy. Those aren't preserves. Those are Peapaw's

books. Oh, maybe, yeah, maybe they are the preserved boogers of her dead husband. Your dead grandpa. You gotta remember him somehow. You gotta remember him somehow. That and his old shoe horns. What are these? His old army jacket.

That's a wooden thing you shove in your shoe if you're a fancy lad who wears loafers. Allison, this is something I've wanted to talk to you about. You recently had kind of a career milestone. I did? Yes. So you have had a recurring role on Parks and Recreation for some time now. You are the newspaper reporter. I am.

Sean O'Malway Tweep. There you go. You have a full name. You're not just newspaper reporter. You're not just woman in diner. You have a full name. I did it. But you are recently, one of your scenes on the show was recently the subject of an animated gif that was going around the internet.

I Googled myself guys just admit it everybody googles them sure sure i set up a google alert for yourself fuck it no i won't go that far oh okay that's that's crazy narcissism right but periodic googling it for yourself um periodic it's something i don't do a lot actually is search tat like do the tag search on tumblr okay i rarely do that. And the first time I did it, I found an animated GIF from Parks and Rec, which was really Amy Poehler-centric, as it should be.

Well, the show is Amy Poehler-centric. But I was in it, and I was very excited. Yeah. Chris, have you ever been the subject of an animated GIF? I used to make animated GIFs when I worked for Evite. Yeah. Did you work for Evite? Yeah, yeah. I used to do animated GIFs when I worked for Evite. Yeah. Did you work for Evite? Yeah, yeah.

I used to do the images. You'd come to a party and I would do a little champagne bottle. So would it be like a champagne bottle popping over in the hand or a candle being blown out? I had a sports night and there's like a hockey player and he'd go and the little pocket go back and forth. Is that a popular Evite? Do people need an Evite to invite people over to watch hockey? My e-vites were very obscure. And also, he's not

working there anymore. Oh, okay. I was let go. I was let glow. In a jar full of other lightning bugs. Because you only made very specific invitations. Come watch the 7.30 rerun of Big Bang Theory

on TBS with me on Thursday. We're throwing an underwater Star Wars party. I remember when they called me, they said, Evite is mostly used by roughly 30 to 35-year-old women, and you tend to draw things for Canadian men. They're masculine, Canadian, comic book- book loving sports fans. Not a good fit. We have our fill of your masculine art.

Sure. Do more invites for showers and sorry you got divorced parties. I did those too. Oh, sorry you got divorced parties. Those are good. Those are fun, right? Those are fun. I never know what to bring.

Bring a man. If you ask me. That's the only void in my... Patrick Dempsey to be specific. Oh, specifically him. Can't buy me love. He was in it. Really? Wow, good. That's an unusual poll I would not expect you to have.

He played Ronald Miller, the lawn boy. He went from totally geek to totally chic. That's right. What? I know every word to that movie. Yeah, he would mow the lawn wearing a... The lawn boy? He had that t-shirt that I thought was so cool that has the entire Milky Way.

And it says, you are here. And there's an arrow. And he had a crush on Cindy Mancini. And he paid her $1,000 to date him for a month. What? Yeah. Have you not seen this movie? I guess I should now. Yeah, it's a great movie. And he had a crush on Cindy Mancini and he paid her $1,000 to date him for a month. What? Yeah. Have you not seen this movie? I guess I should now.

Yeah, it's a great movie. Oh, it still holds up. There's a t-shirt. There's a hilarious t-shirt. Lawn mowing. And male prostitution. Yeah, it is male prostitution. It's loosely based around.

Her boyfriend Bobby, her real boyfriend Bobby in the movie, her movie real boyfriend. Sure. I just did finger quotes. Calls her out of one scene and she goes, Bobby, it real boyfriend Bobby in the movie, her movie real boyfriend, I just did finger quotes, calls her out of one scene. And she goes, Bobby, it's not like that. He paid me. And Bobby goes, that makes you a prostitute. Oh, wow. Bobby sounds great.

Oh, he's a jerk. He was a jerk. She could have done better. Yeah. And she did. I'd like to maybe return to this animated stuff. No, no, that's okay. That was a delightful diversion. I've return to this animated GIF. Sorry. No, no, that's okay. The point is, that was a delightful diversion.

I've never been an animated GIF, no. And they also, they're beautiful little things because they kind of give you a brain aneurysm. Yes. I think that the modern, here's the modern teen, which is, I think we can agree. Which is me. Which is, right, which is Allison. And also, they're the main consumers of animated gifs probably i like like i would say that maybe between ringtones between 12

and 16 is like the sweet spot for gifs and ringtones and dubstep yeah i don't even know what that is hard to you know it's hard to say it's techno and i thought it was some form of reggae dub wouldn't you right it seems like it would be, yes. Because I was hearing the word dubstep before I actually knew what it was. Dubstep! Right, exactly. I would think they would do that. Iray!

Praise Ja! Dubstep! Dubstep! Mount Zion! Emancipate yourself! Stepstep! Pick it up, pick it up! Right?

Yes. Yes, all those things. So, animated GIFs, yes. But I think maybe, because you hear about creative ways kids are getting high. Salvia, purple drank. Unfamiliar. Sexting. So kids get really high on sexting.

They do. They get super fucked up on dick pics. And now GIFs. And now I think, I think gifts are the man. Maybe they induce seizures. Maybe that is a kind of high. It's a kind of buzz. Hey kids,

go for it. Yeah. Give yourself a seizure. Call in. Right. Are you giving yourself seizures with gifts? So have your friends film it. Yeah.

On YouTube and send us a link. Right. And put in a, put in your stylish, um, multicolored bite bite block so you don't bite off your own tongue. What we're asking for right now is animated GIFs of your seizure. That you can give yourself a seizure with. That would be full circle. If we could get that, that would be the ultimate meme.

That would be a great meme. A GIF seizure caused by an animated GIF. Right. It would be amazing. And then, yes, and the camera just keeps pulling out to reveal more people looking at the gif. It's endless. That's infinity is what we're talking about.

Endless seizures. But I would say, like, it's funny to say, oh, I'm part of a gif. That's a career milestone. Like, that's a goof, but I think it actually kind of is. It, like, is showing that you're on something

that people are liking and that people are, you know, people recognize you and that they can spread that around the internet and have it, you know, and have it be recognized. And I was thinking about

how that is just another example of a milestone, a career milestone that our generation has that our parents would not understand. They wouldn't understand at all. I was genuinely excited when I saw that. Sure, it's genuinely exciting. There should be an IMDb just for animated GIFs.

Right, exactly. Yeah, most of the subjects would be koalas. But I was just thinking, my mom is always, I'm always having a hard time um explaining to my mom why she should be excited for me oh yeah oh yeah it's just depressing yeah yeah get it at all she she started out calling the podcast a radio show she always say like how's the radio show that's fair for a mom but she's now started calling it a blog oh you know what my dad calls blogs what the reviews like on amazon yeah like if he's like

buying a new tv he'll read the reviews and he'll be like i was reading the blogs and i'm like that right oh that's funny is your mom maybe hipper than you think and she's mispronouncing vlog like a video that's also wrong yeah but if you had a camera at least she's mispronouncing vlog like a video vlog. But that's also wrong. Yeah, but if you had a camera, at least she's closer. Yeah, I would say that. It's hard to say what's closer to what a podcast is. I guess in a weird way, blog is closer than radio show. Like maybe she is getting.

Yeah, she's trying. It's an ear log. Yeah. She's trying. Yeah. But my parents recently got an iPad, and they keep referring to their wonderful new iPod. Oh, cute. Which is adorable.

Sure. Playing Scrabble on my iPod. How old are you guys as parents? 90? 190? Uh-huh. Yours are? My dad.

My parents are mid-60s. I was a test tube baby. My mom is mid-60s as well. My dad is 67, and he can tag me in a photo Good for him Oh yeah, he's very savvy If there's a problem with his Apple computer, he figures it out He calls tech support

What do your parents call the internet? Because my dad's always like, we're going on the net Is he just a fan of mid-90s Sandra Bullock movies? That could be it He just wants to have the vernacular of that film. Do they not say the net, your parents? My dad calls it the interwebbles. So I guess he is a little quirky.

My mom says I'm hacking online, which is strange. And you yell out, I'm just combing my hair. Every time I've done a web show my mom's always like that was great like when is it going to be on she thinks it's like a commercial for a tv show not the actual show i know i am working on i'm working on an internet thing right now i am i'm i'm writing for a a web show which is which is which is very much legit and i'm i'm being paid a living wage to do it and i think it's going to be a cool thing. They wouldn't understand that, though.

And yes, and every time I talk about it, my mom acts like she's feeling sorry for me. Like, oh, well, things will pick up. Yeah. Things will pick up. Maybe they'll play that on TV one day. Right, exactly. Exactly. And I, oh, Chris Allison and I all worked on The Daily Habit on Fuel, which was kind of semi-recently canceled.

And the second I called my mom to tell her about it, the first thing she said, the very first piece of advice she had was, you can move home and get a job at Starbucks. Are you serious? Yes, absolutely. Jordan, they do have full health insurance as long as you work a minimum of 15 hours a week. home and get a job at starbucks are you serious yes absolutely like she think like jordan they do have full health insurance as long as you have a minimum of 15 hours and like maybe you could be a manager sometime but it was so weird that that was the first thing not like oh you should go on some auditions or but it was like no move home that's immediately immediately step into the most depressing life imaginable you already had not just the move home part, but the job picked out.

Right, exactly. And at Starbucks. Your guys' stories are letting me know how hip my dad is. Yeah, right? Because he was like, oh, you can get something better. Just make a demo reel

and just send it out to everyone. You'd never like that show anyway. Get on. Oh, my dad still calls my resume my CV. What? I don't even know what that is. Like a curriculum vitae. It's like some some

latin thing that our parents used to refer to resumes with oh weird sonny miss cv and he still thinks that i want to i never wanted to he thinks i want to work for the cia so he keeps finding job postings for the cia and sending them to me what wait and that's based maybe did you ever want to work for no no oh wow i never did never did, but he wants me to. That's a weird job to want your daughter to get into. He's like, you're so good with languages. You should work for the CIA. You're so good with garrot wire.

You're so good with concealing a choking wire in a watch. You're so good when people angrily interrogate you. And ending someone's life with it. You stand up to water torture so well. I mean, I tried when you were an infant And you would not talk You didn't even cry when we dripped water Yeah you would not tell us who

Took the cookies from the cookie jar You are a tough little nut Guess what it was Well this is a lot of fun Talking about torturing babies On Jordan Jesse Go We'll be back with more stuff! It's Jordan, Jesse, Go!

I am Jordan Morris, boy detective! I'm sorry. I did not tell you that you had to introduce yourself and also make up a nickname if you wanted to. Jesse's a little slicker with that sort of thing. I thought you were letting me know there was a spider on my shoulder or something. I gestured wildly. It was out of control. I'm surprised that didn't hit the soundboard. Okay, I'm ready.

I'll just go again and it'll be slick. This is Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Chris Fairbanks, co-host and or guest. And Allison Becker, average lady. Oh, that was great. Thanks, guys. Thanks for picking up my slack.

Allison's made me feel sad. Average lady? Yeah. Just because you're wearing a plain girl's dress. I am wearing a plain girl's dress. And I'm not being a jerk. I am. In your defense, I am.

Yeah, Allison, I am. I came from an audition. I would maybe describe, was it an audition for the youngest daughter of a prairie family who was having trouble with engines? I am dressed like a farmer's daughter, not in a sexy way, just in a way where she couldn't pick out her outfit very well. Not in a, I'm standing behind a wall

with a hole in it. That old joke where the farmer's daughter... Right, yeah. It's a dirty joke. Yeah, there's the old joke where the traveling salesman fucks the hole. They suggest it. It's not part of the joke,

but you're behind the hole. The joke doesn't describe the entire sex act. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's behind the other holes in the farmer's barn? I think, I mean, if the Mr. Show sketch is to be canon, and to be fair, I think that is a whole genre of joke, the farmer's daughter hole fucking joke. Can you tell me this joke? Is it too long to tell?

I think it is, and I don't remember what it... I'll give a Cliff's Notes version. I'll try and condense it. Well, I won't use any of the flowery language. A hitchhiking man shows up at a farm I think it's a traveling brush There's a guy Who wanders into a strange farm

The farmer says sleep in the barn But don't stick your dick Into these holes That's believable so far Because my daughters are all on the other sides Of these holes With their mouths open With their mouths or vaginas or butts pressed up perfectly against them to where the hole is the same size as the opening.

How long do they wait until someone comes by? I don't know. And why are they sleeping like that? Or maybe they're awake all night. That's how I sleep. Do you find a hole? Only when I wear this dress. Right.

Yeah, to be fair. What happens in the joke? Oh, and then the guy sticks his dick in one of the holes and then another one. And then the third one rips his dick off because that's where the farmer's milking machine was. That's the joke? I think so, yeah. That sounds like a terrible murder story, not a joke. Yeah, that's a weird sequel to Hostel, direct-to-DVD.

It doesn't even end with a pun. But yeah, that's like a joke your dad secretly tells you at a wedding when he's a little drunk. Like, he's like, come here, I got one for you. Yeah, I got one for you. About a dismembered dick and three daughters who are forced to be raped by strangers. Dad, that's an Eli Roth script. Yeah, and I guess you sympathize for the man in that situation, because his dick has been torn off by this milking. He's raping, sleeping.

But yeah, he is also. The daughters don't have any say in this. And get a job and get a hotel room. I know, right? And get a new farmer father. You're selling brushes or encyclopedias door to door. That's a good lucrative business. You're sure he's a salesman?

I think the joke is the same, but I always heard it traveling salesmen. I heard that he's a carpetbagger selling elixirs at different carnivals. Right, revitalizing tonics and the like. Tinctures. They didn't have milking machines back then, though. Yeah, so that's anachronistic. You're missing your... Or vaginas.

Or vaginas, yes. It was steam-powered hydraulic milking machines. It was huge. Very old-timey. Yeah, I think Catherine Hepburn actually had the first vagina. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. So the vagina is...

Also huge. Oh, it was giant. I'm waiting. They've gotten smaller over the years. Yeah. Just like cell phones. Am I right? I'm right.

I'm right. You're right. Oh, vaginas. They're so small. Yeah, they are. They used to be. Let's move away from vaginas. Everything.

And let's move to pets and pet care, because I think that's a logical jump. Oh, I'll talk forever, non-ironically, about pet care. Oh, I believe it. You've given me good advice with my cats. Thank you. What advice did I give you? You had a flea issue. Yeah.

And you said, here's what you got to do. And I did it. I got everything out of you said, you've got it. Here's what you got to do. And I did it. I got everything out of my room. My bed, everything. I mopped those floors like an old-timey Mopper? Mopper person.

And then An old-timey mop. It worked. It worked. You just got to vacuum and wash their little bedding. Yeah. Chris, you have an outdoor cat.

Yes. Yes. And I think the reason we're talking about this Is because we just went through the holidays And maybe had to have someone watch over our pet Right? Well, you did You stayed

My mom's in Orange County So I just kind of put out a bowl of food for the cat For two days Oh, you're a bad cat owner Should I not have done that? No, you're a good cat owner You can I not have done that? No, you're a good cat owner. You can go away for a while. You have somebody to check in.

Sure, someone looks in. Yeah, I had someone line up. She didn't get her daily recommended allowance of snuggles. Yes. Alliance. Allowance of snuggles, please. Oh, military snuggles. Allison, do you have a tiny dog?

I have a tiny dog. He's the best dog in the world. He's named Dignan. Great. I'm sure that reference will delight our listeners. That's their wheelhouse. Are you a dog person, or do you also appreciate cats? I also appreciate cats, but I own a dog.

Do you prefer dogs? I do prefer dogs. Most people, I think, even if they don't hate cats, they prefer dogs. Yeah, but I'll hang out with cats. Yeah, I think that's sure. I think gun to the head of the general populace they would say dog. Yeah, well, you just demoted it to I'll hang out with

cats. I mean, I grew up with both. But like, a dog's going to interact with me more and I'm needy. I'm emotionally needy. I think I would venture to guess that everyone is needy. I like that dichotomy, that the dog is kind of the clingy boyfriend of the animal world. I mean, he is. Like, I get home and he's like, you're home, you're home, you're home, you're home.

And I'm like, I'm home. And that's what I don't like. If the dog was a significant other, it would be texting you a lot. It would want you to text or call on your lunch break. It would ask you what you're thinking. Yeah, a lot. But it would also be able to put his penis in his mouth. Right.

Yeah, if we're inventing some sort of fantasy dog, of course he can blow himself. Yeah, that's what I'll... They're always in your face and they always need your attention and it makes me nervous. And maybe this translates to how I am with people. I mean it probably translates to how I am with people because I'm like, love me, love me, love me. More. No, my cat is – and so it's a treat whenever he wants to hang out. I'm like, oh, you –

And it's legitimate. He'll come and sit in my – yeah, and it's occasional and he means it, yeah. And other times we leave each other alone. But most people, including my roommates, don't respect cats. Yeah. In fact, they don't like them. And Chris, we've been having this conversation for a while, and I think what sparked it was we all – our collective boss at Fuel TV was this guy who I think you could really describe as frat guy-esque. I think the definite, like definitely when you think about the kind of Hugo Boss, Weekend

Warrior, frat guy, this was him. And not much of a sense of humor, so kind of when a joke needed to be made would always kind of resort to something kind of mean. Yeah. Just say something mean or jerky. Yeah. would always kind of resort to something kind of mean. Yeah.

Just say something mean or jerky. Yeah. And really did a big, big rant in the office one day, meant to be funny, meant to be a joke, about killing a cat, like drowning a cat for the purpose. We were going to do some, remember, we were going to have a cat do a weather report from a surfboard, and so we're like, well, then clearly we have to go buy Yeah, either put a cat in front of a green screen or do a puppet or something

and he was like no we'll just put a real cat we can get a cat somewhere and put him on a surfboard and get the shot and I'm like I was getting really upset yeah I am too are you serious right now and everyone else in the office wasn't mad at him

they're just like that's not going to work the cat will jump off and drown and then we won't get the shot. And I'm like, what about this dead cat? What about this sweet little honey? It's not like a dog. You know all those guys have dogs at home. Yeah. They all have Republican dogs.

I'm sorry. It's not a political thing, but most people also. But no, and I think there is this double standard. Everyone talks about how they hate it the scene in a movie where a dog gets hurt is always super traumatic yeah and i agree i was watching gladiator over the weekend there's a dog in that first battle who i was very concerned for yes but you're saying that they don't get upset when cats oh no i think so i think well i get upset when any like i've i've this i've gotten worse about this i feel like an old curmudgeon-y lady sometimes

but if I see horse I don't want to see War Horse because I watched the preview and there's horses falling down that whole movie is a horse dodging cannon fire I don't care if there was I'm sure there were trainers on set I'm sure they took every precaution but you know what they still fucking knocked a horse over

and I don't want to watch it horses should remain upright and the horse doesn't know what? They still fucking knocked a horse over and I don't want to watch it. I don't want to watch it. Horses should remain upright for their entire lives. And the horse doesn't know that he's acting or in a movie. He doesn't know who Steven Spielberg is. Just seen Minority Report. A quick side note. I was in a western shooting in Austin and I watched

a horse die. A horse ran into a hitching post and died. And at the end of American Outlaws, it says, and I'm saying this on the air. Wow. It says at the end, no animals were harmed in this movie. And at the end of American Outlaws, it says, and I'm saying this on the air. Wow. It says at the end, no animals were harmed in this movie. And I watched a horse get impaled and bleed out. It was one of the most traumatic things I've ever seen because these other horses ran him into this hitching post in this town.

And I'm like, oh, the movie's over. That is horrifying. Yeah. And the Humane Society guy was running around like screaming and sad. At the end, no animals were harmed. They should have had an in memoriam for that. Damn right. In memoriam for Patches.

And it should have, after everything scrolls, it should have been stationary and then fade out. Yeah. This is to Dr. Kibbles. I don't know what his name was. Dr. Kibbles. It upsets me when I watch as a dog lover I get upset when all animals are I didn't even like

watching The Hangover 2 even though I have friends in that movie I had trouble with the monkey in it because I was like I don't like what they're doing I don't want to see a monkey smoking a cigarette he'll get addicted but it's hilarious meet the parents or Vacation, Christmas Vacation.

Oh, Christmas Vacation has a... They, like, torture a cat or it catches on fire and it flies out a window. In Vacation, they also run a dog. They tie a dog to the back of a car and run the dog until it dies. Oh, that's true. But they don't hurt... I guess the Vacation... They don't hurt the animal in the filming.

It was, like, insinuated. Yeah. With Stacy Keach's brother. I guess maybe the vacation movies are equal opportunity pet killers. But I don't mind. If it's a joke and they don't really show something, whatever. I don't love it. But when they actually are doing it with the filming, it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm an old lady. Any scary movie where someone's walking and they and a cat, they're just throwing the cat on someone's shoulder. That's not a trained cat. That is just a stray cat being hurled. Yeah, yeah. By a teamster. Yeah.

A cat doesn't jump on you and hit you with like his side haunches. That's being thrown by an underqualified key grip. I did an episode of Law & Order in New York and the scene was my characters running with her dog. And I can finish. I've seen this episode. It's the cold open. Yes, it's the cold open.

And you are walking your dog. Your dog escapes to the garbage where he is and starts to eat a discarded placenta. Yes, the dog finds a placenta in the trash. That is like the quintessential thing to happen on Law & Order. Yeah, it was amazing. If you were doing some sort of Law & Order parody, you would write a scene where a dog eats a placenta in the garbage.

And then we're like, why is there crying in the trash can? And we open it up and it's like, it's a baby! But when we were shooting, they did an insert shot of the baby on a soundstage. What region were you from where you were doing that accent? It was in New York, right? Because why were you doing that crazy voice? Wazzle baby! Wazzle baby!

That's how I act. I work a lot. That's okay. But they had a dog actor there. I don't know what they're called. Sure. A doctor. Sure, a doctor.

A doctor. It was a little terrier. Super cute. Very similar looking to my dog now. And the dog was trained to like hold onto the fake placenta and run down the street with it. You used your hands just then. So I imagine the dog would like...

Holding it with his hands. Opposable thumbs. Exactly. But they had a dog under study in case the dog wouldn't couldn't complete the task and the dog was extremely well cared for was there a stand-in placenta in case the first placenta but the day we were shooting was so cold in new york and we were all standing on the street and freezing and the trailers were like so far away they wouldn't like bring us back to the trailers but after every take they would put the dog in a heated car the dog would just look at me through

the window and be like it's fucking warm in here and then his dog his dog masseuse is rubbing him down but i was like happy they they so law and order i will attest uh to that that they take good care of their animals okay good and what and what do they use what do they use for placenta i imagine it's not real it was like a rubber it looked like a a prop liver almost that they had attached like an umbilical cord to and then dipped in some sort of syrup that's harmless for the dog. Okay. Well, great.

Well, I guess my whole point here is that if it was a cat, they wouldn't have been nice to it. Well, Chris, you don't care about that. We were talking about this. I'm not masculine because I'm a cat man, apparently. No, you're not masculine for other reasons. What? Okay.

Yes. I sit when I pee. It's the mincing. It's easier to sit. The mincing is kind of a problem. I don't like to stand at urinals. It's messy and gross. And I have a urinal in my home.

Yes. I sit. I sit. And I prefer baths. Will you sit if there's a urinal available? Will you sit? Yes. Okay.

Like, you will choose to sit as opposed to the convenience of the urinal. No. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, of course not. sit as opposed to the convenience of the urinal. No. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, of course not. I don't want to sit on a gross seat. But when you're at home. Yeah. I sit.

I choose to sit. Allison, do you judge a single... I judge everything before you finish. Yes, I'm very judgmental. Do you judge a single man who has a cat? Do you think that says something about them? Because I've been a little self-conscious about this. No, I think it says that he likes animals, which is a good thing for me.

It's not a warning sign, I guess is what I'm saying. I think man or woman, once you get to three cats, it's a warning sign. Yeah, maybe it's multiple cats. I think if I had two cats, I'd be a weirdo. It's three cats. It's a warning sign. Yeah. Maybe it's a multiple cat. I think if I had two cats, I'd be a weirdo. No, two is fine. It's three cats. And a lot of times, like, you know, I've dated guys who have gotten an animal, dog, or cat from a previous relationship.

Yeah. I think that's usually when you see a guy with a cat. Or a guy with a small dog. He's like, it was my ex's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This cat, I did not want it.

He was in our front yard. And Tig, my old roommate, and I mean, we were together seven years, but it was my ex's. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this cat, I did not want it. He was in our front yard and Tig, my old roommate, and I mean, we were together seven years, but it was a lovely, like a union without sex. We were roommates. We were roommates.

And I think that's what all guys are looking for is just a nice female companion who will not fuck us. Exactly. That's all I want is someone to help around. Wow, I have really been

thinking about the world in a different way. Yeah. Someone to feed my cat when I'm gone. A female companion to help feed my cat. Well, Chris, we were having kind of this conversation about how there's this double standard for cat injury. And I guess you turned it into a stand-up comedy chunk. And I remember us talking about it and then you went off on one of your gallivants. And then you texted me

after the show and I think the text was just, yes, cat stuff didn't go over well. The entire audience was on the side of dog loving. Yeah, and then it was come to my hotel room and blow me, which was weird.

Yeah, yeah, that was weird that I texted you. You know what? That was for someone else. hotel room and blow me, which was weird. Yeah, yeah, that was weird that I texted you. You know what? That was for someone else. That was for someone else. Oh, okay. Yeah, sometimes I don't let it scroll through. I just send them off willy-nilly.

You just start sending them. Yeah. But what about it? Was there anything in particular that they turned on? Like, what did they not like you saying? It wasn't a well-thought-out bit, maybe. Okay. Otherwise, I would have done it right now.

Like, that would have been a good moment. Oh yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's not, I don't want to set you up for material. No, that's not what you were doing right now.

No, it's, uh, but yes, when I, when I addressed, uh, uh,

you know, cat owners, um, yeah, when I addressed dog owners, it was like, it being like a relationship that everyone got really upset with me. Oh, that idea of the dog as the needy relationship. Yeah, when I addressed dog owners, it being like a relationship, everyone got really upset with me. Oh, that idea of the dog as the needy relationship.

Yeah, because I like dogs too. I'm just allergic to them, and I'm not allergic to cats. And then people get mad when they hear that. They don't even believe it. They're like, no, you're not allergic to dogs. You're probably allergic to pussy too, faggot. Everyone says that. Yeah.

Are you allergic to pussy? No, like I said, I'm not to pussy too. Everyone says that. Yeah. So. Are you allergic to pussy? No. Like I said, I'm not allergic to cats. Hey. Oh, yeah. Vagina makes me wheezy. Sure.

I need a Claritin before I celebrate my anniversary. I don't know. That's the only time. That's the only time I have sex. The only time. Once a year. Yeah. Go near that vagina once a year. Yes. We go out. We have a nice prime rib

Because the clarity makes me nauseous That accent did That was like a mean attack I attacked the other guest I think we've established We've established that Allison's Allison's bread and butter In the world of acting is her crazy, indistinguishable accent.

You got that right. Where is she from? Somewhere exotic, probably. That was someone that lived in an urban area and then moved onto a farm. To the 1920s. You got that right. Right, then time traveled. Yeah, wow.

That's a specific character. Hide the gin. Wait, during Prohibition? It's Prohibition. Okay. Hide the gin or I'll pull out my gat. What? That's two different worlds.

Well, we're having a fun time talking about eating pussy, taking a Claritin. We'll be right back on Jordan, Jessica. I'm nauseous. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, guest and also co-host. I'm Alison Becker, slightly more than average lady. Great. You went up a notch.

Slightly. Guys, I want to backtrack a little bit to a previous episode. There's something I kind of have to clear up that people have been asking me about. There's something I kind of have to clear up that people have been asking me about. This Thanksgiving, my mom's eHarmony boyfriend came to Thanksgiving. Oh, my God. This is amazing already. And joined us. And he told what I think is one of the best examples of a dad joke that I have ever heard.

And as I was relating this on the podcast, I guess we had an audio problem. And the punchline specifically was cut out. Amazing. So, I am going to retell this joke, but I also think it's a good place to start a conversation. So, here's what it is. My mom's internet boyfriend is, and I should call him Brad. Don't call him that. I know.

Yes, and I need to stop calling him that. I feel like it's when, it's kind of like that situation when i think this is maybe more of a no you know what i was gonna say maybe this is more of a male thing but if it's not correct me okay i'm probably not the person to ask but when you're when your buddy is dating somebody i feel like instead of there's always like that shorthand for the girl like because it's hard to keep track oh yeah we do that with guys all the time. Like, red shirt? Oh, you're dating red shirt?

Right, exactly. It's red shirt. Or, yeah, or, you know, they're like, oh, this is late 80s punk rock girl. Or, you know, something like that. Anyways, but yeah, I feel like I'm doing that with my mom's internet boyfriend. Are you still seeing stabby screamer? No, she's a little bit of a handful. It's the stabbing and the screaming.

One or the other is fine, but together they're a bit much. Right, exactly. I can deal with being stabbed, occasionally. I have a thick hide. As long as it's quiet. Yeah, I also have a lot of chain mail, so that's why we're a good fit. So, anyway, okay. So, Brad is over, and Brad, and

it's great, because, you know, our Thanksgivings are kind of usually just me, my mom, and my sister, so it's great to have that dad presence at Thanksgiving, which we have not had for a while. So this was just a real breath of fresh air, this dad joke. We were talking about what movie to go see, and War Horse was brought up, and then Brad said... Don't do it.

Just as a joke, I should cut off the audio right here. Just to really, he said, War Horse, what is that? Like Mr. Ed joins the army? Amazing. I would see that movie. It's great. I mean, you know, couldn't, you cannot get more outdated than Mr. Ed.

Something that is not even in like. Did you just stand up, drop your mashed potatoes and start applauding? I did. Yes, exactly. And I hung a wreath around his neck, and some small peasants began to throw rose petals on him. Then you cracked a bottle of champagne on his head. Exactly. You christened him like an old boat.

Yes, I christened him the SS Dad and sent him to Key West. Welcome aboard. To wear high-waisted khakis. That's what my dad does. Your white tube socks and sandals, sir. Enjoy your vacation on the SS Dad. Here's some sunglasses that flip up from your regular prescription lenses. We're having a Mary Tyler Moore marathon. but i i i wanted to talk about this

kind of example this this this phenomenon of dad humor which we've talked a lot about on this show and kind of the concept of the dad movie like all of our dads like i think everyone kind of in our age range their dads have the kind of same frame of reference. So, you know, when they've had a little too much to drink, they always quote, I'm saying, animal house, airplane, vacation, caddyshack. Caddyshack, absolutely.

I think I'm the same age as people's dads. Those are things I would reference. Yeah, I quote airplane, too. Yeah, well, I think some of these... Young Frankenstein also is a great example of the kind of dad comedy. Dads love to say Frankenstein, as if that was a joke. My dad does a lot of Mel Brooks references. What about the Pink Panther?

Do they ever do that? I would like to rent a room. My dad thinks that's hilarious. My dad will reference anything Peter Sellers. Okay. Of course. Yeah, well, and so yeah, I think there's a dad movie canon

that I think there's a little wiggle room in either direction, but most of these movies can be agreed upon. Yes. I am wondering, since our generation is starting baby having, what are going to be our generation's dad movies? Like, what are these things

that won't necessarily hold up to our kids but will be hilarious to us? I don't know if that happens anymore because there's so many. I hope, but it's going to be old school and hangover in those movies. Oh, I think it's going to be like, what are the, and here's the thing. No, it's going to be Happy Madison or Billy, what are those? I don't watch them. I'm a lady. Using Adam Sandler movies. It's going to be Happy Madison or Billy – what are those? I don't watch them. I'm a lady.

You're saying Adam Sandler movies. It's going to be Adam Sandler movies. And I have to say I think Adam Sandler is a wonderful man. Sure. I've met him. He's a lovely man. Absolutely. I don't understand those movies and I have been a proponent of like girl humor and guy humor isn't different.

But then I watch his movies and every guy I respect loves him. I'm like it's different. I fucked up. I'm sorry. It's different. I don't get those movies and every guy i respect loves and i'm like it's different i fucked up i'm sorry it's different i don't get those movies interesting so i guess we're talking and we're and we're talking about the kind of kind of early sandler that is looked upon fondly right you're not talking about like a jack and joe no no correct yes and i think like those like it's anything that like stoner kids are like when everybody smoked a lot of weed when they what they would watch in college yeah yeah and i think think that is the epitome of it.

Yeah, I guess. I've watched those movies. My dad references. Yeah, and I think we all have seen them. I mean, I think that's, you know, dad. Happy Gilmore. That's the one I couldn't remember. I really sound like an old person.

Yeah, I like Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore. But you liked it, right? I respect you comedically, and you think that movie's funny. Yeah. I don't. He breaks the bottle. He's like, oh, we're just trying to find pieces of this bottle.

Oh, there's some. Oh, there's some right there. I thought that was great. Sure. Absolutely. It's great. But yeah, he was going to fight him. And then he said, what are you doing?

Oh, we were looking together. When you and I have children, Chris, together. When you and I have children, Chris, together. When you and I have children together. We might adopt. We will be old. Chris, as we've established, you want your relationship to be sexless. Yes, yes. We will be old and you will be referencing that movie.

And I will be referencing 13 Going on 30. Yeah, well, I was going to say, I mean, I know that the mom movie isn't necessarily a phenomenon, but are there movies from your college days that you think you will pass on to a potential child, but they might not get? I don't know if it was my college days. I mean, I would say going pre-college, what we were talking about earlier, Can't Buy Me Love. I loved that movie. Okay. Growing up in Heathers was a big one. I was a huge fan of Heathers.

I would make and this is more of a girl movie or 16 candles is 16 and and uh like breakfast club i would make my kids watch that yeah i would be angry if they didn't appreciate it do you think that maybe like they would just i feel like like high school movies especially and i'm gonna maybe even rope in like the can't hardly waits and the jawbreakers into this world do you think that those movies will be irrelevant because they don't include technology do you think that the teen experience is just so based on technology these days that like that it'll just seem so so bizarre i was thinking about that recently

specifically with the breakfast club and i think that will hold up because if you were in detention they would take away your ipads and your phones and stuff. So that's still like the disconnect of just sitting there and not being frustrated with you have to communicate with these people you don't know. I think that one's going to hold up. But the other ones, I don't know. Hmm. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. I guess, although maybe I feel like, do we overestimate how much texting and Facebooking the modern teen does? Do we overestimate? I don't think so. Okay. Yeah, I think it's...

That's oversaturated. It's replaced movies. I don't think movies are even interest a kid anymore. And there's so many of them. Like, for us... I'm not going to sit and just watch something. I'm not interacting. How am I affecting this?

Sure. I want to have another window open that I can be jacking off to. Or sure, yes. Or voting on the ending. There's also just so many movies you can't keep up. Everybody saw The Breakfast Club when we were younger and now stuff comes and goes and nobody sees it. Yeah, and I guess that's true.

I guess that it's harder to have... Because, yeah, The Breakfast Club is a touchstone because everyone saw it. So instead of dad movies, will there be dad YouTube clips? Oh, yeah, the Breakfast Club is a touchstone because everyone saw it. But, yeah, I mean. So instead of, like, dad movies, will there be, like, dad YouTube clips? Oh, yeah. Dad, sneezing panda's not funny. Yeah, you just, you can be re-entertained with new things every five seconds with the internet now.

And, yeah, for ten years of my childhood, there was only five movies you could watch. Yeah, I guess, yeah, because. And everyone watched. If you grew up in a smaller town, had the video the video rental at the drugstore and that was five movies one of them was breakfast club uh one of them was a weird ralph backshee 70s cartoon that scared you more than it entertained you um every other party i went to as a young person, it would be, without fail, someone would rent Hot Dog the movie. Hey, I'm a big fan, big fan. It's a great movie.

Well, there's a couple boobs in it, and it was about skiing, and I grew up skiing a lot. Yeah. So, man, Hot Dog. It's a shame for this generation that the thrill of a boob in an R-rated movie is not... Just one. ...is unexistent. It doesn't even need a companion. Yeah, sure. A second boob in an R-rated movie is not, is unexistent. It doesn't even need a companion. Yeah, sure.

Or even just like, just a loose-fitting t-shirt, you know, on a woman and you can maybe, it droops down a bit toward the areola. And I used to pause the VCR. Oh, yeah. I didn't, because I'm a lady, but I remember seeing a kiss for the first time.

Because you're a lady and you don't know how to work the VCR. Exactly. Right, Jordan? Hey, Jordan. It's flashing 12. Yeah, I don't know how to set it. Did you guys watch Can't Buy Me Love? I mean, not Can't Buy Me Love.

I'm sorry. Better Off Dead? Yes. Yes. Because that would be like my... And that was a ski movie, too. It was. So many ski movies of the 80s.

And then the other one, One Crazy Summer, which was a very similar movie those two I would say were like my childhood movies that if like my kids don't get I'm gonna you know Better Off Dead is a great one because it does have that 80s rom-com stuff going on but it's also really weird and hilarious and it has all this

one of my favorite jokes is from is from Better Off Dead they're having this race, and I forget why. There's a car race, and they drive the car into the lake. That's kind of the big finale. And anyway, so they have to go to school after this. Is that against the Asian Howard Cosell impersonator? And it also has that casual 80s anti-Orientalism.

Yes, yes. The most lovable 80s racism. Anyways, so they go to school after this race where they've just been in the lake. And he opens the door and a bunch of water floods out. And then a duck walks out of the car and John Cusack just very casually says, Well, see you later. To the duck. Like they were having a conversation in the car. What was he talking to the duck about? That's amazing.

Water pedaling? I don't know, swimming? Yeah, right? Sure How does water actually accumulate On your back or does it roll off? I've always wanted to know Water repelling Do you consider your wings arms Or would you say you're armless?

Well sometimes I grab stuff and my feathers Turn to fingers That's only when I'm animated Alright, see you later, duck What's the deal with flying south? Well, sometimes I grab stuff and my feathers turn to fingers. That's only when I'm animated. All right. See you later, Doug. Fly. What's the deal with flying south? Maybe there will be dad GIFs.

Allison, do you think your GIF will be out? Do you think you'll try and show your grandkids your GIF? Guys, I think animated GIFs are going to fall by the wayside. I think they already are. We're in a golden age. It's coming to an end. And it's going to be replaced with something else. Slash animation.

Or just like smelling gifts or something. Oh, like a computer that emits a scent that'll get you fucked up. Exactly. Okay. I didn't say it was going to get you fucked up. I thought that was our premise. I thought that was our premise. Was that weed in my cabloona?

I'm not going to smell nothing, and that makes me dizzy. Why did I sound like Garrett Morris? That's how old I am. There's only three people in this room but because of the... I'm so dumb. Oh, and racist. Oh, wow.

They were both on SNL. That's right. At very different times. What do you mean by they? What do you mean by SNL? I think because there's only three people in this room, because of the range Very different times. What do you mean by they? What do you mean by SNL? I think because there's only three people in this room, because of the range of the vocal talents of everyone here, it sounds like we've got a huge cast of characters. Doesn't it?

Doesn't it, though? What? Is that the Dowager Countess? Why, it is. Hello, I just walked in to take off me rubbers. Chimney sweepy. That's me. It's you.

The guy whose name is what he does. With a Y at the end. Chimney Sweepy. His first name is Chimney and his last name is Sweepy. I'm with my friend, Brick McLayerman. Hey, you guys. Now, I know it's... What an unlikely duo.

Brick McLayerman. Well, he's Scottish Yeah Right Alright you go Well no He got stung by bees He got stung by bees

Oh is that the explanation For why he sounds cockney Yeah I You gotta lick some bricks Right That was it Okay thanks

Before you didn't Before you didn't have it But now you do I had to That is perfect I just have to put myself in a Mike Myers. Yeah, right. It's interesting.

Let's look at Braveheart for a second. Yes, let's look at it. Let's watch it, and then that's the rest of the podcast. That's watching Braveheart, maybe ordering a pizza. Oh, this is violent. Oh, boy. He's drunk. He got mad at cops and Oh, boy. He's drunk. He loves his wife.

He got mad at cops and called them Jews. He did. He did do that. I have an issue with Braveheart, and that is, I mean, Mel Gibson was so old to play that part. Like, even if William, well, that was his name, right? William Wallace. Even if he was that age. William Morris.

It's about a heroic agent. He, I remember. Who greenlights a drama at an age where they're not popular. But I remember him courting this girl and asking the parents, like, oh, can I hang out

with your daughter or whatever? But at that time, you'd get married at like 12 and then you'd die at like 17. And he was like 35 asking her parents. I'm like, her parents would have been dead.

Like, nobody lived past the age of like 40 back then. Yeah, no, I do agree that looking back, and Mel Gibson has always looked old. I mean, he looked old in Lethal Weapon, I feel like, even when he was actually young. It's all that racism, it ages you. It does, yeah, it's the hatred of Jews. It was all that sandy wind from Mad Max

is what weathered his age. Oh, maybe it is. But I think it's easy to talk about the dad comedy. And I think you are correct that the early Adam Sandler films will probably be the dad movies of our generation. I think there are also dad dramas. And I think Braveheart and Shawshank Redemption will be our generation's dad dramas and i think i think braveheart and shawshank redemption will be our generation's dad dramas yeah all dads all men like shawshank redemption and they don't realize it's because and it's the it's a love story between two men they're like i just miss my friend and then they

meet on an island together at the end to sand a boat together like that's the end of the movie and they're happy they're're going to be together. And it's not gay. Except for the gay rape parts. Yeah, well, that's... And in prison, it ain't gay. That's just how you... I'm not sure how you establish dominance.

Yeah, yeah. It's like cigarettes. Blowjobs are like cigarettes in prison. But cigarettes are like cigarettes in prison. That analogy doesn't work. Well, yeah. And I guess you don't light dicks on fire. You don't?

No, you don't. And I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You always talk about lighting a bag of dicks on fire. I don't know. They're already off the body if they're in a bag. Might as well. I mean, right? I got a house.

I'm going to get rid of them. Do what you should. The cops will find out that you severed all those dicks. If you have a bag of severed dicks, burn the evidence. I mean, you can't get dental history from a burned bag of dicks. Exactly. It's just cartilage. I've tried.

Go Lord. Now, if there are bite marks on it. Yeah. Anyway. That's how I trick girls sometimes. Why don't you brush my dick for fingerprints? That's how we'll find your brooch. Your missing brooch.

Maybe I stole it. I feel like maybe that's your next Law & Order episode, Allison. Brushing a dick for fingerprints? Well, I was going to say maybe finding the remains of a charred bag of dicks yeah maybe you can come across that or i'll write them sure i'll send that idea send it right to ice tea i'm sure because he has to approve all the scripts before they get to the producers yeah i like this bag of dicks good ice tea thanks pulled from. It's a chug bag of dicks. Thanks. Pulled from the actual Did you get to meet iced tea? I did not.

I did not. I did SVU. Okay. And then I did two episodes of Criminal Intent. Wait. Okay. This is great.

Is that... So are you the same character? No. If there's two years between, you can play a different character. Really? That's their minimum? I think that

I could be making that up. No, that's great. I don't care if it's true. That's amazing. So in the first one... I like hearing that. I mean, technically I could have been, because in SVU I was just a woman walking her dog who finds a placenta. And then in Criminal 10 I was a young detective. So I guess that woman could have grown up to be a young detective. Oh, wow.

But there is continuity in the Law & Order universe. There is, yeah. Richard Belzer goes across from SVU to Criminal Intent. And Criminal Intent, they have two different guy leads. Or two different, I think men and women leads. It was Chris Noth and Vincent D'Onofrio. And I got to

do one episode with each of them. Oh, wow. You mean Mr. Big? Mr. Big! And my character both times finds a body and is like, hey hey that's how we call you guys interesting so how but there's like fans do you have fans notice that like maybe you point out some sort of like some sort of um glitch in the law and order averse no but i'm sure they have with other people because it's all done in new york and there's such a finite number of actors in new york do they have to start reusing people oh yeah huh is that and is that a big thing when you live

in new york is like oh when you when you're an actor it's like when you book your first law and order yeah yes wow that makes me want to move there because it's the only like we need more actors yeah right you might be in an extra in the background of your own scene we'll just you're like doing something in the background what about that scene. We'll just, you're like doing something and then in the background, what about that lady? And it's also you. Like that commercial that's on now for like, I don't know,

City Mag or something where the guy's like, hey Dave, and it's everybody's Dave. Oh, that's my friend. That's my friend. He was in, he was in Growing Pains.

That must have taken forever to shoot. When he was a kid, he was on Growing Pains and he was, he was on at the same time as Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure. As a kid. Oh yeah, that's right. He played with a kid that kind of adopted him. He's our friend. I can't, I can DiCaprio. Sure. As a kid.

Oh, yeah, that's right. He played with a kid that kind of adopted him. He's our friend. I can't remember. Yeah, that's a classic TV jump-the-shark moment, isn't it? Leonardo DiCaprio on Growing Pains. Isn't that like a classic? The show's almost out of steam.

Let's add this hunky 12-year-old. And if he wasn't on it, then my friend would maybe have a giant... Was he not supposed to be hunky? Not at 12. Maybe. But to a 12-year-old? He wasn't hunky until like five years ago, right?

Yeah. He started pumping iron. It wasn't until The Departed that he... He was always a bit of a ladyboy. So you didn't have it for him in Titanic then? I did not enjoy Titanic.

Okay. But I think that's like a classic. Yeah, but I did think that he was super cute, but he never hunky. You didn't enjoy Titanic? No. Even the boat sinking?

Like, that was intense. I'm a bad person. It was me. I'm Rose. I loved it. Remember when I was nude? Is what she'll say. I don't look that way anymore.

Look! And she takes off. They didn't show that scene where she disrobes. Like how different I look now. And they show at the end of the movie a side-by-side picture of Kate Winslet and me. I can see why they cut it out because she referred

to Kate Winslet by name and not her character's name. Yeah, that's the first one. And her body looked like a melted candle. Kate Winslet looks very beautiful naked, so you can't compete with that. Every time I see, I saw Kate Winslet on the Golden Globes, and I feel about Kate Winslet like,

I feel like I treat her a lot like I treat King of the Hill. It's going to be good. I look at her, and I'm like, wow, you're so beautiful. And I can remember... Not getting the King of the Hill reference yet. And you're great in movies. I should get super into Kate Winslet. I should become, I don't know. And then you forget?

Well, yeah, and that's what I feel about King of the Hill. Every time I watch it, I'm like, God, what a hilarious show. What just a perfect, hilarious, thoughtful, humane TV show. Sure. Time to not watch this for three months. I don't like the... It's like chalkboard fingernails. I think the voices are hilarious. I unconditionally like it.

Am I supposed to be the deciding factor in this debate? Is King of the Hill funny or annoying? I don't know, you guys. I haven't given it enough of a chance. I lived in Texas for five years and they play it on a loop on every other channel. It's probably hitting too close to home in Texas. It was just

on all the time and I'm like, enough of King of the Hill. But they like it. They enjoy the parody is loving. Yep. No one says, man, they make us look negative. We don't sell propane. They do. Everyone in Texas does sell propane. They sell propane and they

consist of a diet of flying spores as we've established earlier. Yes, yes. Which doesn't give all of them the sniffles. Sometimes it's... We're just rattling off facts. Yeah. This podcast is meant to be more educational, Allison.

I don't feel educated. I know we've been goofing around a lot, but as many just facts as you can say. Nothing has been tongue-in-cheek. Everything's just... Right. Everything is relatable. Well, we're learning a lot about spores,

about law and order, and the universe in which it exists. And Patrick Dempsey. What a dreamboat. We'll be back soon on Jordan Jesse Go, and by soon I mean after this little piece of music. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest and co-host.

And I'm Alison Becker, a pretty okay lady. Nice to have you guys here. This has been a lot of fun, catching up, hanging out. Like the old days. Exactly. Like 2011. Like a few months ago. When we used to be on a TV show. Yeah, simpler times, guys. No, my days now are really, really overly simple. Oh, good. I'd like to make my days more intricate. I mean, I'm just working on really making the perfect latte now.

I mean, it's nice. I like practice at home. My mom's got all the stuff in her kitchen, so before I go to work at Starbucks, I make a few lattes at home. The secret to really foaming your milk up is to use a lower fat milk. It's lighter.

Oh, I didn't know that. It foams better. One would think that the higher fat content would make more foam. That's interesting. See, this is about facts. The show's about learning. Guys, why don't we take a couple of phone calls? Our listeners have been nice enough to call in with some momentous occasions,

and we'll listen to them and hopefully provide interesting commentary. Maybe, well, yeah, that'll spark some comments. Hey, John and Jesse, this is Adam from D.C. with a momentous occasion. I am in Miami Beach

with my fiancee, Anne Louise, on vacation and we just walked past a guy with a lemur on his head. The lemur was wearing a red diaper, and the guy was pushing a bike, and he had a lemur on his head. It was pretty fantastic.

Just thought I'd share. Love the show. Bye, guys. I'm just disappointed that the lemur can't control his bowel movement. Lemur's wearing a diaper. Yeah, and to me, it's like, well, house train your fucking lemur, you know? Before you take him out of the house. And push a red diaper. Yeah, and to me it's like, well, house train

your fucking lemur, you know? Before you take him out of the house. And push a bike around. Yeah. I agree. But lemur seems to me... God, I can't tell if I put it in the category of red flag pets. Like a parrot or a... I'm going to say yes, you do. Okay, you do.

Yeah, so you... What would you rather... Allison, I'm sorry I'm going to you for the female do. Okay, you do. Yeah, so what would you rather... Allison, I'm sorry I'm going to you for the female dating perspective on everything. I don't know if this is sexist. Big mistake. What would you rather a guy have? Okay. A lemur or a big snake aquarium?

Oh, God. Well, I mean, I like lemurs more than snakes, so I'd probably tend towards that. But strangely enough, a snake aquarium is probably more... I don't know usual more usual and more humane i think than having a lemur i i don't know so that's a hard thing to say can i say neither oh yes here's the thing i want to like as much as i hate that guy who's walking around with an exotic pet i want to pet that lemur sure okay and then maybe yeah and then then he's got a chance to charm you.

Like when people are like, oh, I bought a pot-bellied pig as a pet. I'm like, why are you doing that? That pet's going to live so long and not have a proper life, and you're going to neglect him. But at the same time, I'm like, I want to come over and play with your pot-bellied pig. Pet some of that sweet, sweet pig. That sweet pig meat. I don't eat pigs.

Do you think lemurs are illegal? It seems to me like It would be in the same World as ferrets And that like This guy maybe had to Smuggle this Maybe From somewhere

Yeah Like a Like a Colombian cigar Exactly Maybe he Are you suggesting He was in Miami

So it could have been From Cuba Oh yeah Sort of Cuban lemur Yeah yeah One of those One of those Cuban rumba lemurs

They're very good dancers One of those lemurs That swam. Yeah. To Florida. Okay. Well, that was great. I don't like anyone that has any pet that is on their shoulder.

And the parrot is the worst. Anyone that has a parrot, it's like that whole look at me thing. I love that the lemur had a red diaper. Does he have a whole collection of diapers at home in different colors? Oh, yeah. It feels like red to me. I'm feeling feisty. I feel like I might claw someone's eyes out in a fit of rage today.

You're saying I want to shit on the color red. I'm not a normally domesticated animal. On the subject of look at me, I was at a function the other day, and there was a guy at this function who had the eccentric waxed mustache. Mm-hmm. Ugh. This is something I'm skeptical of. I don't, you know, it's cute. I mean, I don't know.

Part of me is like, just fucking have a regular mustache or no mustache at all. I hate it. It seems a little look at me. There's a dude where we worked that would always be in the elevator. Did you see that? And he had a normal job. I work at Fox Sports. No, I would take the stairs because we were one flight up.

Well, you had to take the elevator to get to your car. True. You got dropped there in a helicopter. I did. Every day. This guy was dressed normal, and he had the wax mustache. I hated it. I'm not a fan of it, but I don't – I'm like, hey, that's what you want to do.

I actually like it better than the – I mean, and this is just a personal preference. I have nothing against people with mustaches. I have nothing against people with beards. But what I'm attracted to, I would prefer it over the crazy beard. Sure, the mountain man. Because then it just feels dirty. Yeah. But people are into that.

The Bon Iver. Yeah. And don't fucking correct my pronunciation of Bon Iver, any of you. I know it's Bon Iver. I want to say Bon Iver. Because here's the thing. It's not spelled the French way, so are we supposed to say it the French way? That's why I'm saying Bon Iver.

Yeah, I think that's how he wants us to say it. If it was Bon Iver, then he would have spelled it with an H. He just wants it to spark some commentary. But God damn it, if fucking waxed mustache guy didn't get three beautiful women just to come up to him and talk to him. Really? Just about his mustache. Yeah, it's like wearing ski goggles. And he was with someone. He had someone

with him. Maybe he waxed it with pheromones. Yeah, or maybe he squeezed a moth out onto the mustache, and that's how the tips got so waxy. And I was sitting there going like, alright, come on mustache. But like, it worked. And no woman came up and talked to me at this thing.

And I've got an eccentric hairdo. Yeah, yeah. I've seen women come up and... Maybe you gotta wax it. Yeah, and I felt like as derisive as I was being mentally about his mustache, it did its job. But maybe that wasn't why women were talking to him. Maybe he was also attractive

and interesting and had a lemur. Yeah, oh, it might have been the lemur. It was like, first of all, yeah, their gaze went from the lemur on his shoulder to the mustache, then down to his junk. You have the attractive and interesting, but no lemur. So maybe that was the one difference. It didn't hurt that the lemur had the exact same mustache. Cute little wax.

Oh, that's cute. Oh, lemur with a little wax mustache. And diaper. In the window. Let's listen to another phone call. Like you'd go shopping for it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Tessa calling from Chicago,

and I just have a momentous occasion to share with you guys. I'm currently walking my dog in the snow, and we just passed by a little snowman about maybe a foot and a half tall and uh didn't have a mouse on it but a dog had peed on it and uh the piss stain was in the shape of a frowny mouse and i thought that was pretty appropriate so but you might you guys might like that so love the show keep it up etc okay uh i can't picture this though okay i can't picture this so i mean how high how tall is a she said a tiny snowman okay i guess i was picturing the traditional three ball snowman which is you know roughly four or five feet tiny three balls yeah yeah okay but i just think this is proof that dogs have a sense of humor and cats don't.

Because they can pee a frown. Yep. But even so, how does it, well, maybe it's, okay, you know what? I'm picturing a world now of a tiny snowman and a giant marmaduke. Right, right. So then I guess it's possible. She said like a one foot snowman. No, she said the feet.

Okay. You don't listen to women. Maybe that's why the mustache man, again. Chris, how many feet was the snowman, did you say? I don't know. An annoying wind was coming through here, and I misheard you. It almost sounded human. I think it was...

It whispered. Period. In my head, she said a foot and a half. Okay. I think you're right. And so, and I can... The dog was a chihuahua. What?

What? How did he get up there? It's a flying dog. What I want to know is how he can abruptly start and stop his pee stream to make a frown that would have the ends that a mouth does. I'm imagining a pee stream that also went on the snowman's shoulder and torso. Yeah, probably. And then kind of went.

I can't imagine a dog just going, and making a perfect upside down you. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that it's probably a situation of like, well, she was kind of seeing what you wanted to see. I mean, but I mean, I could see how you would want. But what if it was, what if the pee just went right across the head and it did make a perfect mouth? But sometimes when you walk your dog,

the first couple of pees are like really forceful and meaningful and just like I have business to do and I got to get it out on this tree that I hate. And then once you get to like the 18th P, it's kind of just a little bit like, I kind of want to mark this. I don't know if I really like it, but I'll take it. Drip, drip, drip. So it's a little bit of drippy drips. Yeah.

So it could have been, that could have been like number 17. Like his seventh P on the walk. Yeah. No, I understand that. That's a very good, that's a very good point. That's a good theory. Towards the end, nothing comes out. And then I'm like, dude, it's all for show.

The end. He lifts the leg. Let's listen to a new call. It's all for show. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I'm calling from a momentous occasion. I'm calling from Glendale. I probably shouldn't say my name for reasons

of future employment. And last night I attended my first sex dungeon. Some highlights include being locked in some stocks and publicly flogged, as well as extinguishing a cigarette in a 50-something-year-old man's asshole, kicking him square in the balls and then being warmly invited, along with my friend, out for Chinese food at the Costello movies. But then he asked me what kind of boots I owned,

so now I just think he was really in it for, like, a free ball kicking. And before you make any assumptions, I am 20, and I'm not fat or goth. I love you both. Goodbye.

Did they pay for the Chinese food? Wow. Hey, I bet you. Lots of questions. Can I get free Chinese food? That's like your, that's your dream girl. Yeah.

You just got all excited about her. Yeah, well, here's the thing is that I am not, I'm not interested in, in violence. No. with my sex I know you are maybe there can be some jostling

I would be up for like maybe a jostle to be shaken? a punch? no certainly not a punch that's when I'll hide under the bed but there is something that is just inherently sexy about a woman who goes to a certain building

for sex, like, or has some sort of routine. All you need. Wait, you like that? Yeah, I think it's great. I mean, I feel like I, every time I have sex, it's like an accident. Yeah. Like, it's like a slip of the- Oh, shit, sorry!

Whoops! I might have sex, it's like an accident. Yeah. It's like a slip of... Oh, shit, sorry! But the fact that... There's something about it being so deliberate that I think is great. Like, I'm here for sex. Right, I have a plan for it. And I... It's very grown up and professional. Maybe bondage people don't actually have sex

while they're bondaging, but... Yeah, I wouldn't even put cigarette in the sphincter close to the category of sex. And yeah, and I really like... It's clinical. Yeah. And that is not going to... That's going to be so hard for him to heal.

But he's doing it because it turns him on. He's not doing it for medical reasons. He's a wound cauterized. He had a really bad hemorrhoid. He's like, I just can't reach it. Yeah, yeah. All we need to see is photos of these people and we'd all go, oh, I get it. And I'm just...

That's what I think. I have a timeline question is about, did the Chinese food in Abbott and Costello... Oh, excuse me. I belched. I was so turned on that I belched. That's how you pronounce Costello. People always mispronounce it. People are, yes. It's Bon Iver and Abbott and

Burpstello. Yeah, there's an umlaut after the L that requires you to burp. Elvis Costello, Abbott and Burpsteller. Yeah, there's an umlaut after the L that requires you to burp. Elvis Costello, Abbott and Burpsteller. It's a difference people don't often know about. Anyways, but yeah, I think that like, oh God, what were we even talking about? Dungeon stuff. Okay, Abbott and Costello.

So what time did this dungeon party wrap up to where you had time for dinner and a movie? Especially if they were people who were a little older, like they have dinner early. Yeah. In LA, people in general have dinner early. If you're older, you have dinner even earlier. So I would assume that they had dinner at five. Yeah, right.

So the dungeon party started at like a sunny noon. Is this a brunch thing? Yeah. Does this start, maybe you have a little mimosa, maybe a nice frittata, and then you extinguish cigarettes on assholes. The other thing is, you think about, they call it a dungeon party, to insinuate that it is in some dark underground place, but it's probably in somebody's pool house, or their dad's garage that they rented out.

Exactly. It's probably weird. I do think the only reason he had her do that is so he could live out his most hilarious pun joke of put it out in the ashtray. He had thought of that joke. He just wanted to say it. He's like, it'd be so funny if I said, why don't you put it out in the ashtray? And then I, and some, oh, I'm going to play this out. I couldn't, what else?

I couldn't hear everything she was saying. She was saying she got flogged. Yeah, she was in the stocks and she was humiliated. And then she ball kicked. And then she put out a cigarette. And do you think when she was in the stocks, she's naked?

Oh, I don't know. Or she's in sexy lingerie? I guess I'm imagining the kind of traditional dominatrix. Yeah, she said she's, you know, she sounded attractive. She said she wasn't overweight.

Sure. So I feel like she is in sexy lingerie. Mm-hmm. And she was with a friend. She said, my friend and I were invited back. Well, that's great. There's nothing I don't like about this. I think Astray is terrific.

I dislike everything about it. Or were they like, one of them convinced the other one to go? Were they drunk? I have so many questions. Yeah. I mean, I guess a Googling of Glendale area dungeon parties. Oh, do you think it was by the Oinkster? There's this great restaurant in Glendale called the Oinkster. I bet they went there afterward.

No, they went to Chinese food. Never mind. They have like a pulled pork sandwich there. It's really good. You really want more details. Yeah. What did you guys have? And at the end really good. You really want more details. Yeah. What did you guys have? And at the end of that, I wanted no more details.

Was it Kung Pao? Yeah, I thought that was good. A lot of times when we have a sex-related momentous occasion called in, the people are kind of cute and vague about it. They're like, I went to an orgy and let's just say it was a lot of fun. I'm like, well, that... No, tell us. I was glad that we got to hear about the stocks

and the ball kicking. I just hope that they washed their hands before they had dinner. I bet there's... Yeah, I bet there's Purell stations at dungeons. I bet that, like, people are... Like at Yogurtland? There...

When I went... And I bet there's a place where you can scoop toppings onto someone's scrotum. And I, as I do at Yogurtland, I'm the person who's like, excuse me, don't sneeze into your hand and then touch the cookie dough bits. Just don't do that. It's gross.

Is Yogurtland a national thing or is that, do you think that's just a SoCal? It's national. They had one in New York, but then it closed down because it got overridden by other, you know, the other 18 million yogurts. Sure, fro-yos. There's still a TCBY in Missoula, Montana. Oh, yeah? We have one in Jersey where I grew up.

Yeah, that wide, it went away. That like- It was good. And then it all came back. There's a big fro-ro, fro-yo comeback. Fro-yo revo. Fro-ro comeback. Fro-ro me mix.

What's going to be next, guys? I think it will be goat meat. Goat meat? Just on a spit. Make your own. Yeah, exactly. A goat with an apple in its mouth. And everyone goes.

And someone shaves it off with a sword. And it's cold. And then there's a topping bar where you can get cookie dough bits and sprinkles. Can I skip the goat meat and just go right to the topping bar? Yeah, you can just get a cup of Jimmy's if you want to. I have to say, if anyone from Yogurtland, I don't call them Jimmy's. I call them sprinkles. Oh, fine.

Because I think Jimmy's is racist. Somebody told me that one. Really? I never called them Jimmy's. I just fine. Because I think jimmies is racist. Somebody told me that once. Really? I never called them jimmies. I just grew up in a place where they didn't say that. How could that be racist? I don't know. Anyway.

Because it's what black people call condoms? Put some jimmies on there. Okay, gang member from the 80s. I will say, though, that if anybody from Yogurtland, the Yogurtland Corporation is listening. Sure. And they do. We get a lot of.

You guys can charge more and we will pay for it. I fill up the thing and it's there like 201 and I'm like, that's it? You can get away at Yogurtland with a significant yogurt pile for under $3. It's ridiculous. I mean, it's like, I'll pay $5 for that. You know, I'm cool with that. I will give you more. This is worth more to me.

How much would you pay for a cup of goat meat with jimmies on it? Zero dollars. Come on. Doesn't it sound good? Wait, condoms on a goat meat? All I know jimmies to be is a condom. So every time you say it, I'm thinking of condoms. It's sprinkles.

People call sprinkles jimmies. But I would assume where you're from, they would say jimmies. Because I thought it was like a Northwestern thing. I guess. We said sprinkles, which makes more sense because you sprinkle them on. You don't jimmy them on. I don't even know what that means. I've never heard of jimmies in my life.

Well, fuck you. We'll be back in a little bit on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Goh, I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, current guest. I'm Alison Becker, pretty neat lady. Great. Well, guys, thank you so much for coming out and podcasting with me. It's been a GD delight. GD delight. GD delight.

I get it. Gosh darn. Gosh darn. Guys, anything you would like to promote? Chris Fairbanks, you'll be at the San Francisco Sketch Fest coming up. Oh, dagnammit. I will be.

Yeah. Where might people go if they'd like to see your comedies? I'll be at the Eureka Theater on 31st of this month for some, like, the snob. Eureka. That's a lovely venue.

Is it? It is. It's a very nice venue. Oh, good. Wear pants. Yes, yes. Don't just saunter out there in your undies. So dressed.

In your jimmies. In your jimmies. Cover your lower torso theater. A nice place where you want to wear some jeans. Oh, also wear a shirt. I should clarify that. Yes. Wow, this place a nice place where you want to wear some jeans. Oh, also wear a shirt. I should clarify that. Yes. Wow, this place sounds really fancy.

Yeah, as a lot of you know, I do most of my shows in my Speedo. And you do a lot of shows at gay bathhouses, right? Yes, yes. That's a big part of it. Well, it's my job to make sure the guys are wearing jimmies. Pull them apart. Give them a mint and whip them with a towel on their way out. Oh, boy.

Well, great. SFSketchFest.com. People can go to get a ticket. Alison Becker, you're in a very delightful new web series called Dating Rules From My Future Self. Yes. It's produced by the people who did Gossip Girl, and it's about a girl who gets text messages from herself 10 years in the future. What? What?

And you play her randy friend who is always looking for sex. who gets text messages from herself 10 years in the future. What? And you play her Randy friend who is always looking for sex. I'm the snarky girl. Yeah. A little Randy. Yeah, I'd like to be with the men and push her to be with the men. That's great.

And this is on YouTube? Is that the best place to watch it? Yeah, Dating Rules for My Future Self. Is there any reference or is it a parody of Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter? No, no reference. Is the ghost of John Ritter involved? I don't know.

Oh, too soon. Oh, yeah. Really, is it too soon for it? I just watched Bad Santa and he was delightful in it. Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy. Isn't he good? He is great in Bad Santa. I wish he hadn't died.

You guys have Twitter handles. I follow the both of you. You're both absolutely follow-worthy on Twitter. At Chris Fairbanks? Yes. At the Alison Becker? Yes, Alison with one L. Okay, at the Alison Becker on Twitter.

Oh, yes, I have to pick a tweet of the week. Here's what happens. You guys just have a little banter while I pick the tweet of the week. Okay, so Alison's really one L, huh? I know, it's a lot of, I'm putting a lot of... So you only have one S in your name? I don't know why that's a... Wait, do you have one S in Allison?

Yeah. It's just A-L-I-S-O-N. I've got to find a tweet soon. Yeah, what do you mean just? This is dying, this is dying. Well, everyone else would usually have two L's, but I guess more of the Spanish community would call you A-Y-S-N. Oh, God. If you had two L's. I please, more of the Spanish community would call you Ayesen. I'm pleased, for the love of God,

load Twitter. This is so awful. I was named after an Alice. This is so boring. That's why. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. But do you think that any Alisons have two S's? Why did you even go there? Oh, I don't know. I just expect

murders. Two L's and an I. Podcasting death. A-L-Y, A-L-L-Y. I guess maybe, yeah, you're right. I think I've seen Allison with an S-E-N at the end. Guys, I picked the tweet of the week so you can stop this insufferable conversation.

We weren't done. This is from Melissa Jenna. Last night I had a dream that I crowd surfed at a concert. The band, the Del Monte Fashion Peas. So there you go. Hashtag JJ Go. Guys, that is a very, very old Jordan Jesse Go reference.

This is clearly an OG. Melissa Jenna, please email intern at MaximumFun.org and you will receive a t-shirt. Include your t-shirt size and address. Congratulations, Melissa. Yes. Wear it with pride. With pants. If you would like to be eligible for the tweet of the week, hashtag JJGo on Twitter.

And Jesse will not be here for the next episode. So make all JJGo Twitters pandering to me. Yeah, obviously, if you've referenced something really old, you get a shirt. Yes, yes. Let's see how deep you can go into the Jordan Jesse Go catalog with your references.

Well, great. Thank you guys so much for joining me. Thank you. Thank you. And we'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf?

That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.