Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 209: Macaroni And Bees

Episode Date: January 30, 2012

Dave Horwitz, Jen Goldberg & Eric Martin climb the stairs to Jordan's Club House and down some Buds! Spartacus, prop sex and the margarita guitar are of course discussed!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twid still out, but I've got comedian Dave Horwitz and Jen Goldberg and Eric Martin from the This American Wife podcast. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne, still sabbaticaling, filming a new season of his web show, put this on. But I don't even think you'll notice he's gone because I've got three delightful guests slash co-hosts with me today. First, a sketch comedian, a writer for the new ABC television program

Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 And a published author Returned Jordan Jesse Go guest, Dave Horowitz Dave, thanks for joining us Thanks, Jordan, it's great to be here How did those credits sound? They sounded crisp Yeah

Assured, and it almost surprised me I was like, oh, I did do those things Yeah I have a noteworthy career. That's me. In back of me. And ahead of you. Thank you. I'm sure with that resume. Oh, you're a sweetie. And for the first time

on the Jordan Jesse Go program, podcast fans will no doubt recognize these two. They are the producers slash writers slash stars of the very popular podcast This American Wife, Eric Martin and Jen Goldberg. Welcome to the program, guys.

Hello, thanks. It's great to be here. Hi. And This American Wife, of course, maybe you would have gathered from the title a parody of public radio. Yeah, a gentle parody. Right. It's not a scathing parody.

We're not taking anybody to task. No, you're not Mark Russell. No, it's mostly a gentle rubbing. Okay. It's not a scathing parody. We don't take anybody to task. No, you're not Mark Russell. No, it's mostly a gentle rubbing. Okay. Ribbing? I like the other one. Just a gentle rub through the jeans while you're making out. You're going to feel pretty good listening to this program. Okay, nice. And

terrific. So guys, let's start here. I failed recently and would like to kind of present this failure to the group, and maybe you guys would have, you know, would be able to coach me if this situation comes up again, what I could do differently.

We've got your back. Thanks, guys. So I was, I'm doing a bit of writing for a web series, and it's a fairly high-budge affair to the point where they have, like, a soundstage and some of the kind of crew that you might see on a more traditional TV set. So you're making the most of the web series bubble. Yes, exactly. But I don't think that'll burst anytime soon. Never. That bubble will only keep expanding. Everyone's working forever.

Yes, and soon we'll all be rich and doing coke on yachts, I'm sure. Well, it's the way we're all going to ingest media from now on. Yeah, in five-minute bursts interrupted periodically by ads where hamsters drive Kias. That's the new media landscape I think we can all agree. Dope hamsters. Yeah, like super where hamsters drive Kias.

That's the new media landscape, I think we can all agree. Dope hamsters, I think. Yeah, like super fresh hamsters. Yeah. Hip-hop hamsters. With a 90s toot. Sometimes they fight ro- yeah, those hamsters do have a 90s toot. I think those hamsters could, like, you could, like the Noid could join those hamsters and no one would bat an eyelash.

Those hamsters are cool but rude. Exactly, exactly. They're kind of like Sonic the Hedgehog, a little those hamsters and no one would bat an eyelash like those hamsters are cool but rude exactly exactly yeah they're kind of like sonic the hedgehog a little bit they're they're cuddly but don't cross them um okay so so i'm at this i i'm at this set and there's and i i i see the the the gal who's doing the um the props prop mistress i don't know. That makes her sound a little... So I see this woman, the prop mistress, who is quite attractive, and I'm anticipating having to meet...

I'm sure someone will introduce us, so I'm like, okay, well, I should... Whatever I say, it should be good. It should be funny or witty or something. And someone will inevitably introduce me as the writer. Like, oh, here's Jordan. He's one of the writers. So automatically the bar will be high.

So I'm like – I'm anticipating this and I'm already – You're hoping that she'll give you props. Yeah, that's – yes, exactly. I would like to get – Literal and maybe figurative props figurative yes hopefully she will she will hand me a prop tell me a good job tell me good job and then uh i'll get her number um so okay so she's someone introduces us like this is jordan this is one of the writers We shake hands And then she kind of Immediately starts explaining Something

There's a box full of fake frogs So there's these fake frogs That they're going to use Are you guys doing Magnolia? Well here's the thing The fake frogs that they're using Are the exact fake frogs From Magnolia

Eric has one of those Yes as luck would have it I actually have one of the fake frogs from magnolia sitting on my how did you how did you come across that did you uh did you go to the planet hollywood closing sale i went to that it was the magic of ebay oh really it was one of my favorite movies so i i saw it was there and it was for the mere price of five dollars i got a piece of hollywood history interesting how do you display this false frog he's just kind of splayed out on my uh breakfast nook he's akimbo yes his legs are akimbo he could yeah as though he had just uh plopped straight from the sky and

is it is it a good conversation piece do you find that people come in and yeah it's i've started a lot of conversations that way oh terrific what the fuck is this um anyway so she is saying these these fake frogs are the fake frogs from magnolia and she passes them out for everyone to deal with uh here's my chance here here it is i've this here's the thing i'm gonna say that's going to you have a golden opening yeah i'm like this is great what a funny situation what a what a what a chance to display uh my patented wit um so, Oh, these are the frogs from Magnolia. I'm going to have sex with him. Cause I'm kind of a star fucker. Uh,

blank stare, blank stare from the woman. Not even like, not even a polite chuckle or not even a, Hmm. Just blank kind of dead stare. And I'm like, well,

hell I've got to, I've got to pull out of this nosedive so that I have the frog. And I'm like, well, hell, I've got to pull out of this nosedive. So then I have the frog, and I'm like, and then I start kind of shaking him around. Okay. And then I say, by the way, this is what I think sex is. Oh, boy. And then she 180 pivots and walks out of the room. Wow.

You doubled down on the joke. I did double down on the joke. Last minute Hail Mary. If I may, just as a possible should you find yourself in this situation again, grab it by the forelegs and have it begin to dance and say, hello my baby, hello my darling.

Maybe hello my ragtime gal? Sure. Maybe see if you can't win her over. Yeah, I mean, I can only imagine that she's nostalgic for the dubba dubba WB. For the original WB lineup. We're talking Shasta McNasty. We're talking Homeboys in Outer Space. Jordan, you know that was the UPN lineup. Oh, was it? Yeah, I think the original WB. Oh, am I racist? Oh, I don't know. Is that a racist? I don't know.

Anyway, what was the original WB lineup? What am I thinking of? Oh, that I racist? Oh, I don't know. Is that a racist? I don't know. Anyway, what was the original WB lineup? What am I thinking of? From my childhood. Oh, that's like a Wayans Brothers. Sure. And then like cartoons during the day that were like Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. Okay. Well, certainly I know the kids WB lineup.

I'm talking. At night you had your Wayans Brothers, your Seventh Heaven. Okay. Dawson's Creek. Dawson's Creek. There was a show called Kirk starring Kirk Cameron. Really? Seriously. Was it religious? Did it have religious overtones? No, but they were very. Undertones. Dawson's Creek. There was a show called Kirk, starring Kirk Cameron. Really? Seriously.

Was it religious? Did it have religious overtones? No, but they were very polite, so it might as well have been. Okay. It was just about virtue. Yep. Okay. Any just gut reaction?

What did I do wrong there? Okay, as a woman. Yeah. How many lines were between, how much time or dialogue was between hello and I'm going to have sex with this fake frog? None. Zero. That was like, we were introduced. There was like a hello.

And then the next thing I said to her was, I'm going to have sex with this fake frog. That's your mistake. Because she doesn't know you're not a creep yet. Yeah, I know. And I think what that is born of is, and I think you guys will probably sympathize with this, is that when you hang out with comedians a lot, when you're joking around with them, there's always kind of a pressure to shock. Like a comedian doesn't, you know, if you do a lot of comedy, you're maybe not laughing out loud at every funny thing someone says. If you want to kind of get that genuine laugh, you've got to be a little bit shocking or crazy or something like that. Well, it's also the way to leave a good first impression because us comedians are not going to be the handsomest people in the room. They're not going to be the most charismatic people in the room.

Well, speak for yourself. Yeah. Us comedians are not Dave Horowitz. dramatic people in the room. Well, speak for yourself. Us comedians are not Dave Horowitz. But you've got the, so the room is basically, like the baseline is high,

and you know that you've got to go in, you've got to go in hard. Should I have taped a little pen to his hand and then asked him for his autograph? Yeah, I mean, would that have been funny? I would have, if you had said that that's what you did, I would have shaken, I would have given you a firm handshake. Because I think along the lines of what you were saying, Jen, I do agree that the bar is set – I wouldn't even say low, but it's – I mean some people would call it low. But it's so high for a room full of comics where the first place that any of our minds would have possibly gone was like, oh, I'm a star fucker.

I'm going to fuck this frog. place that any of our minds would have possibly gone was like oh i'm a star fucker i'm gonna fuck this frog but i feel like you're her indoctrination into the way you joke around could have been like oh my god i'm so starstruck i can't believe i'm meeting the frogs from magnolia which is where like a like a entry-level jokester would probably go but you were like oh i don't i'm gonna skip that that that stage i'm gonna go a to c i'm gonna a to c and say oh these are the frogs from magnolia i'm gonna put my dick in all of them right you're not dealing with someone who's That stage. I'm going to go A to C. I'm going to A to C and say, oh, these are the frogs from Magnolia. I'm going to put my dick in all of them. Right.

You're not dealing with someone who's taken UCB Improv 101. They're not going to know the basic fundamentals. Do you think that the kind of, and again, and I think I tried to, I think I tried to take a left turn when I was shaking the frog. Do you think I should have actually just pretended to hump the frog? No, absolutely not. You should have done neither. Okay. I probably shouldn't have done any of this.

I actually like the, I think, well, maybe this is because I know you personally, but I think that the this is how I have sex makes it a little bit more lovable, I gotta say. That's what I thought. I thought it would be charming and delightful. Actually, and I'm wondering if, and I don't know, I didn't see it, but I'm wondering if how you actually presented the frog as having sex, if maybe there was something in the technique that you realized right off the bat. It's like, I guess the male equivalent would be to go to see a girl at Saddle Ranch, and she gets up on the bucking bronco, and then she bucks around and falls off.

And you think, well, that's probably the way that that person would have sex. And I don't know. Oh, yeah. She maybe envisioned me palming her vagina and then shaking it around. Yeah, like treating it like a magic eight ball. Right, exactly. And then asking it. She would tell you that outlook not so good.

Well, hey. Well, thanks, guys. That was some insight. I think what I've gathered from all of this is the next time I'm in a place and I see an attractive woman, just wait in the car. Was that your first? Do you have another chance to see her maybe tomorrow? I don't go to the set every day. That's not part of my day at this job. I could potentially, but I think I should just call it a loss, not to try it.

Mark it to Elle. Yeah. I think I should just call it a loss, not to try it. Mark it to L. Yeah. I think what you should do is the next time you see her, make a joke that is less shocking, but that she'll know that you were joking the first time. That you're not a creep who says things that are inappropriate about sex. But is it weird?

Am I weirder if I admit that I've been obsessing about this since it happened? No, no, no, no. Don't do that. Yeah, I think you should definitely make a make a a more gentle joke because this is sometimes this might be how you find out that this person just doesn't have a sense of humor at all because if she ingests humor and does nothing with it no matter how innocuous then you know that you didn't do anything wrong yeah just a you can't some people you can't joke with i've tried sure. Sure. And absolutely. And I'm definitely willing and kind of excited to maybe call that the culprit.

Not Jordan's a weird creep, but rather any joke would have failed on this ice queen. Yeah. She could just be a drag. Oh, that's what I want to think now. I'm excited about that proposal. Yeah. Just go with that. And even if you never see her again, just put that in your head.

Plant that little seed of, you know what? She just doesn't like jokes. Yeah. Yeah. Just go with that. And even if you never see her again, just put that in your head. Plant that little seed of, you know what? She just doesn't like jokes. Yeah. Have fun with your life of never laughing. Hey, you know what, lady? Jokes are our currency. So if you can't get on board, then take a hike. Go be with some stodgy, you know, go be with a British Bobby.

Kiefer Sutherland. You said Kiefer Sutherland. I said British Bobby. That's right. Same thing. Two of the most humorless, two groups known for their staunchness. Kiefer Sutherland. Their stoicism, yes.

Their stoicism. And British Bobbies. And heavy drinking. Yep. Right, exactly. Well, more good stuff to come on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jesse Thorne on sabbatical filming new episodes of his Put This On web series. I am joined today by Hi, I'm Dave Horwitz. Dave, you can create a nickname if you want to. I would have thought you would have been right on top of that. Oh, okay. As a past guest. Yes, sorry.

I was prepared to instruct Jen and Eric that they needed to create nicknames. I didn't know if maybe when it's Jordan's Clubhouse, when that's the vibe that's happening, we don't have... Nicknames are a constant! Nicknames! Okay. Go. I got it. Okay.

I'll just restart. Because you fucked this up so bad, Horowitz. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. Jesse Thorne's on sabbatical. I'm here with... Dave Horowitz, astronaut trainee. Nice. Nice.

How do you like that one? I loved it. You know what? I'm sorry I got bad at you. Back on track, baby. You're a national treasure. Dave Horowitz and... Eric Martin, ghetto fabulist.

And also... Jen Goldberg, Mayor McCheese. You guys are from the This American Wife podcast. Dave Horowitz, of course, popular comedy guy. Before we kind of start the next... Before we start the next segment officially, I got a little internet flack because the last time I hosted Sans Jesse, we were drinking beers.

That was kind of part of the Jesse Free podcast is, you know, it's kind of a dad's not home kind of vibe. Let's have some brew dogs. Or rate his liquor cabinet. Exactly. kind of vibe. Let's have some brew dogs. Or a rated liquor cabinet. Exactly. Although in Jesse's case, it would probably

be a cabinet full of caffeine-free Dr. Pepper. Where a typical dad would have some fine scotch, Jesse has a caffeine-free Dr. Pepper. And last week with Chris Fairbanks and Alison Becker, we recorded at 10 a.m. and

you know, I am not that much of a drinker to where I could have a beer at 10 a.m. But it's the evening. And to please all those unpleasant internet trolls out there who demanded drinking, I brought a case of Brew Dogs. Dave, would you be kind enough to pass out the Brew Dogs? These are Bud Light Limes. Was that an excited. Was that an excited was that an excited or a I can't believe I have to drink

one of these. Well, I have to confess I'm a little bit of a beer snob. Jen, you're getting yours last. Thank you, Dick. So I've made a sound that my mother would make if someone pooped. And yeah, I'm a little worried about how this is going to go. Have you never had a Bud Light Lime?

I don't know. Have you had a Miller Chill? No. You have not had any kind of lime-infused light beer? Jen, Bud Light Lime is like getting a summertime kiss. That's what I was going to say. I feel like I'm at a barbecue right now. Yeah.

Just throw some ribs on the queue. Go to the water slides. You guys want to go to the water slides later? This tastes like Sprite. Yeah, I know, but it's a beer and you're drinking it. Isn't it great? Yeah. Okay, thank you.

Good. I'm glad you were being earnest with that. Yeah. It's a delicious brew. Isn't it refreshing? It reminds... This is my... This is always my kind of beer of choice on a Las Vegas trip when you kind of have to just walk around

in the daytime and it's hot and everyone is fat. You grab a Bud Light Lime and a nice aluminum bottle. You cruise the strip. Life is good. Do they sell the Bud Light Lime in bars in Las Vegas or do you buy it at a convenience store? It's usually at a little kiosk.

They have a Bud Light Lime party kiosk and you get a Bud Light Lime party kiosk. And, you know, you get a Bud Light Lime and a sombrero, a party sombrero. My biggest drink of choice is, have you ever had the Guitar Gorita? It's a hollow plastic guitar with a strap. It looks a little bit like a Guitar Hero guitar, but it's full of strawberry margies. It looks a little bit like a Guitar Hero guitar, but it's full of strawberry margies. Oh, nice. So, I mean, kind of in, so then maybe you're hoping that some ladies confuse you for a rock star.

Yes. They're like, look at that rock star. Yeah, well, I do tell people I'm in Sum 41. Oh, okay. How's that working out? How much pussy would you say that gets you? All of it. All pussy? All the pussy.

No, all the, just in Canada? Because they're Canadian natives. Yeah, but their wheelhouse, their people dwell in Vegas. Oh, okay. Gotcha. So that doesn't work outside of Vegas? No. And I've never been to Orange County, so I wouldn't know.

Yeah, you'd probably do pretty well there. It would work there? Maybe, like, you might want to go social distortion. You know, a little edgier. But people would know that he wasn't actually in social distortion in orange county you know that's true i'll just pay i can just like just say you're the one guy from social distortion who died i'll yeah or like i hey i'm the guitar tech for simple plan oh that's great because they don't even know what that

guy looks like except for the diehards they're like you're not jeff i'm like fuck you i am jeff dave i think that is a foolproof pussy strategy. I cannot see that not working. Okay. Well, moving on. This is a segment that I think we were all referring to earlier as TV Club. Is that what we decided we were going to call it? TV Corner?

TV Corner. I'm sorry I called it TV Club. I like TV Club. You know, I think we already said Jordan's Clubhouse earlier. So let's go Corner just so. Yep. Keep it fresh is the vibe tv corner is the segment there you go bud light lime is the drink of choice here at jordan's tv corner um i feel like you see um oh god doesn't bud bud wheat sponsor like the j sponsor the Jimmy Kimmel concert stage? I feel like if they don't, they do now.

It's either Bud Wheat or Budweiser Select. Like one of their, hey, we're going to tap into the craft brew market. Well, there you go. I'm sure. What do you think Kimmel's getting to put Bud Light Select on the concert stage? Probably getting... At least a six or a week. He's getting at least a six pack of beer a week.

I'm saying Bud Light L light lime send over three beers and this can permanently be jordan's tv club corner sponsored by sponsored by bud light lime it's like sprite they get you fucked up balls in your cord bud balls in your court mr lime um okay so so we've all been kind of dabbling in some new TV shows lately, I think. And now I think let's talk about them because I think listeners turn to Jordan Jesse Go for TV advice. Dave, you mentioned a show that I have not sampled yet, but I'm kind of curious about. American Horror Story. How has this been going? Basically, all I know about it is that Dermot Mulrooney is involved, and the ads make me uncomfortable.

Well, first of all, it's Dylan McDermott, isn't it? Did I confuse Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulrooney? Yes. Oh, man. Yes. And I confused UPN and WB. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Get your completely inconsequential information straight. Mm-hmm. Next thing you know, I'm going to confuse Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges. Oof. Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman do not make that mistake, man. Hold on. I'm going to have a sip of my Miller Chilt. Oh, shit.

No. Shit. You just blew the sponsorship. Fuck. I'm sorry. Miller Chilt. We'll take you. Meltdown. It's! Shit! You just blew the sponsorship. Fuck! I'm sorry! Miller Chill, we'll take you. Meltdown. It's the same thing.

Having a meltdown. So, yes. So, which one is it? Dylan McDermott? Dermot Morley? Dylan McDermott. Dylan McDermott is involved. He's the patriarch of this family.

They move across the country for some undisclosed reasons. He's had an affair. He's cheated on his wife, played by Connie Britton, a.k.a. T. Tammy Taylor. Tammy Taylor from Friday Night Lights, the greatest show that has ever been. And now she's, it's not even that she's slumming it.

She's on this interesting show. The guy who made Glee is making it. Would you, now this is the vibe I get. Would you call it Twin Peaks-esque? I feel like they would like you to say that. OK. It's like a big – you know what? You ever see like a horror movie and enjoy it because it's like an hour and a half and it's kind of like tense?

What if that was 13 hours long? What if that was 13 hours long? That movie, like a movie about a haunted house that just never ended and just – you find out that more and more ghosts live in the house until by the end it's a comical amount of ghosts. Every famous L.A. murder happened in this house. And just the camp is turned up to like – not even 11, like 14. There's like a lot of – Dylan McDermott cries while he masturbates in the pilot so that's oh wow that's the base is that is that can't maybe it is well yeah i mean i guess it's a campy way to show depression yeah he's like oh you know in like perfect uh slightly middle-aged man shape totally inappropriately naked clutching a chair going like like grimacing horribly.

There's like blogs devoted to the faces he makes while he cries on this show. Oh wow, he does a lot of crying. So this is frequent enough to where interesting. Can I ask two structural questions? Go ahead. Number one, is it a one story arc through the whole show? Yes. Okay, and two, is it like a

Ghost of the Week kind of thing? You know, when you said one story arc through the whole show? Yes. Okay. And two, is it like a ghost of the week kind of thing? You know, when you said one story arc and I said yes, it was not very fair because if you could consider a story arc being this house is haunted, then that's what the show is about. It's about haunted house and they got to get out or maybe they don't, but maybe they do. And every week it's not like – and there are some like ghosts of the week like oh the black dahlia was murdered here you're gonna find out that it's played by mina suvari and what would that sound like um and you know a doctor who did some weird things in the basement is also here geez it's you have you have uh you have dylan mcdermott you have mina suvari i mean this is kind of like a mid-'90s powerhouse.

It is a mid-'90s. Is Elizabeth Shue involved? I think she provided the theme song. Oh, okay. I think she composed the theme song. Okay. But yeah, if I could – it's intensely watchable. I didn't go home for the holidays.

I stayed in Los Angeles over Christmas. Did a little pet sitting. Enjoyed the emptiness of of the town and just ingested this show like it was just like a real sweet cereal like a like a box of lucky charms where you where you buy it and you go i'm gonna have it for breakfast once and then by the end of the day it's gone and that's what i did and i got like a cavity like a brain cavity there was a hole by the end i was like what what just happened i would watch more of it if there was more i don't i don't know why if there was a not not a hole in your brain that where that show used to be yeah so what what about it makes it watchable because you've described the shitty

things about it um but what what is it that that would keep you coming back? What hooks you? You know, it, it really goes for it. And like, honestly, I know that sounds like a, a broad and vague thing to say,

but any, like there's a lot of weird sex. There's a lot of weird ghost logic where if you're kind of a little, you know, dancing on the, the geeky side of, of, you know,

obsession, like, cause I, cause you just watch it and think, well, that doesn't – so he can touch a human and can a ghost impregnate – oh, wait. Oh, so it has a set of rules. It either has rules or it just doesn't care about rules. Like it just makes up new rules and it just throws a – it's just – it's literally – I feel like the writer's room was the most fun place to be. They probably just got wine drunk every day and went like, what would be a cool ghost thing?

Do ghosts fuck? Okay, they do. They do? Oh my god. Oh, they do. The ghosts fuck a lot. They kill other ghosts. How does a ghost go about killing a ghost?

Oh man. By fucking it? Yeah, sure. To quote The Simpsons, you can't kill me. I'm already dead. Exactly. But you know what? Here's the reason to watch it.

Jessica Lange is just this real, she's crazy. She's just going for it. She's just having some late career fun. Working out her breakup with Sam Shepard. Working out her, I'm sure, incredibly hard breakup with the most famous mustachioed man in Hollywood, Sam Shepard. Just, wait, is it Sam Shepard? I think it's Sam Elliott. Sam Shepard, the abstract, crazy playwright to become conventional Hollywood actor.

Also in Black Hawk Down. Yes. You can see Sam Shepard in Black Hawk Down. I think he was in The Right Stuff. Oh, man. How would you say her late career fun is compared to Liam Neeson's late career fun? Who do you think is having more late career fun? I think...

He's fighting wolves. Yeah, I feel like she's having a cushier amount of fun. I didn't see this new movie, The Grey, but it seems like he has to be in a cold place and fight wolves. Jessica Lange gets to hang out in a cool set and just be a southern belle. Like it's like really staged. Like she might as well be in our town. Does she get the vapors at all? Yes.

She gets many instances of the vapors and she deals with them by berating her daughter who has Down syndrome on the show. Is she drinking mint juleps and having hot uh lady on ghost action yeah i mean there's i think she's she bakes a lot of casseroles and pies she definitely if she doesn't drink a mint julep she should next season uh there's just a lot i mean honestly i mean there's not too too much else to say except that you'll watch one just to see what all the fuss is about you won't understand what you're watching you'll watch another you'll watch one just to see what all the fuss is about. You won't understand what you're watching. You'll watch another. You'll hate yourself for it.

And then you'll hate yourself even more for watching the third. And then you'll just be off to the races. You'll have 10 more episodes. And is any of it actually scary? I feel like every time I watch a TV show that proposes to be scary, I am never scared by it. They can do, I mean, you know, they do a fair amount of sound cues that'll be scary. I am never scared by it. They can do, I mean, you know, they do a fair amount of sound cues that'll be scary, and you know,

there's a lot of stuff, and like, you know, it's a big, dark, scary, haunted house. So every now and then there'll be a reveal, or someone will show up behind someone, or appear behind a doorway, or in a mirror. You know, your standard haunted house horror movie tropes. And you know, every 15th one gives you a

little jump, but for for most mostly it's it's just a real campy weird uh the pope the pope is in one what the pope doesn't does the pope fuck a ghost current or former it's it's a it's the it's a fictional pope basically it just yeah they go it goes so many places that the pope is in it. So that's all you need to know. So on a scale of Miller Chill to Bud Light Lime, where would you place American Horror Story? Let's see. I would give it a Sparks Decaffeinated. Okay.

Moving on. Moving on. Jen, you recently emailed me that you watched the pilot of Smash on NBC. This is a hour drama about Gallagher. Right? They wish it was about Gallagher. I wish it was about Gallagher. Me too.

So it hasn't actually premiered yet. It's going to be premiering after the Super Bowl, which is a big look for a new TV show. But the pilot is available to watch on various digital media. I watched it on Hulu. Excuse me. And it's basically, it's Angelica Houston and Deborah Messing and Catherine McPhee who, they're saying introducing Catherine

McPhee, but she's put out a bunch of albums. She was, I think, an American Idol winner. She's an American Idol person. Yeah. They gave her a new haircut. She looks great. That's why they're introducing her. You're not even going to recognize her.

You're right. And it's a singing, dancing, putting on Marilyn the musical show. So it's kind of like behind the scenes of Broadway as we try to put on Marilyn the musical. Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, Marilyn Monroe. Is that a real musical? No, no. It has been in the past,. Is that a real musical? No, no. It has been in the past, but this is a new...

A revival. Sure. God, it's going to be. Oh, it's not even a revival. It's the process of Debra Messing, who's a screenwriter, or the playwright, and she has a sassy gay writing partner, and they're writing everything from scratch and trying to cast it. I'm surprised that this show about Broadway has a sassy gay character.

To me, that seems a little pandering. Many sassy gay characters. Oh, good. Yeah, basically the show, so the pilot is, you know, an hour long. It's basically like an expositional checklist of like things to give each of the characters depth. Like one of them's trying to adopt a kid and one of them's going through a divorce and one of them spent a lot of time backstage and always wished he was a star and one of them is from the Midwest and she's just trying to make it and the other one is looking for the new thing.

And one can see into the future. One's a ghost. One wears a chunky scarf a lot. That's a good character trait. So I've actually heard a lot of nice stuff about this. I've heard that a lot of nice stuff about this. I've heard that this is, you know, kind of the well-written, creative hour drama that TV needs so desperately. It'll be interesting to see how the season progresses. I will have to say that. I feel like it's kind of maybe unfair to rate it only by the pilot because you can tell with the pilot they're just trying to lay all of this groundwork so that they have dramatic choices to make later sure like hey we have we can make a scene about this adoption where did he get that chunky scarf why is it so chunky exactly they can ask uh yes a little i don't know i the the pilot

didn't hit me i thought it was really over the top and um a lot of the performances were given uh very almost deadpan um just it and i just didn't strike me but i feel like i'm gonna watch every single episode of the show and i will enjoy it until it gets canceled and now this speaking of late career fun uh angelica houston is involved absolutely is is she having more fun than punching a wolf in the face while you have tiny uh liquor bottles duct taped to your hand. No one will see that with me, by the way. I cannot wrangle someone to go see that wolf punching movie.

God damn it. Anyway, sorry. I'm going to have to go alone. Like, how sad is that? I'm going to be fucking alone in the theater watching this Liam Neeson wolf punching movie. El solo Lobo. Hey, yes, exactly. Lobo being Latin for wolf. I think like Jessica Lange,

her show is being shot in Los Angeles where she probably lives and she can just kind of go there two days a week and they pick her up and it's not too hard. I think it's pretty similar. They probably shoot this down the street from Angelica Houston's house

and it's probably not a big deal. All of her scenes take place on a fainting couch so she can just be reclined the whole time. Doesn't even have to sit upright. Yeah. I mean, she's going through a divorce so her can just be reclined the whole time doesn't even have to sit upright yeah i mean she's she's going through a divorce so her money's she's the producer so she's got to have lots of money so she's wearing very expensive suits and has a great haircut i think that's probably the appeal for her does uh does at any point do they randomly break into

song about the plot no no all of the music is diegetic okay so it's all the only music in the show is the music from either from the play that they're putting on or like in audition so like you see like katherine mcphee sings somewhere over the rainbow okay because because people who are auditioning to be on broadway sing somewhere over the rainbow gotcha and but at no point are they like, it's a struggle for the power of who's gonna produce the play. It's not like chorus line. No, no. Gotcha. They don't sing about how difficult it is. I want to see that show more, I think.

Yeah, and with that specifically is the song. Why isn't my dressing room bigger, honey? Hey. I'm in love with my co-star that'll surely produce friction this show is brought to you by subway um but that's what happens in glee right right now people will sing both on stage but also about what's going on yeah like in glee i mean i haven't really seen very much of glee but from what I understand, in Glee, they'll be walking down the halls of their high school and running through the double doors,

and they will break into John Mayer's socks. Okay. But in this show, they do not. The one big production member from the pilot is a baseball song because Marilyn Monroe was married to Doug DiMaggio, and it's, ooh, it's rife with sexual double entendre. is a baseball song because Marilyn Monroe was married to Doug DiMaggio. And it's rife with sexual double entendre, such as peanuts, hot dogs. Second base.

Exactly. Dugout. Fucking a glove. Fucking in a dugout. Taking a hot dog in your butt. And I think it's one of those things like American Horror Story where, to a certain extent, they're trying to be over the top and campy. But it doesn't necessarily read on television as well. It just kind of comes off as a little bit lazy. So where would you rank Smash on a scale of Miller Chill to Bud Light Lime?

The newly produced Four Loko. Generous. Generous. Now, Dave, back to you. You, one of the few people who watched Working It before its cancellation. Sorry, Jordan. Work It. Oh, excuse me.

Work It. Is Working It something else? That's a Dolly Parton musical, right? That's what you say when you jack off. You say you're working it. Oh, Jordan. Work it. Oh, excuse me. Work it. Is working it something else? That's a Dolly Parton musical, right? That's what you say when you jack off. You say you're working it. Oh, okay. And by it, working it in parentheses, my shaft. Yep.

Okay. I think he means his hot dog. My hot dog. Quote, unquote. In a butt. In a butt. In a butt. So this is kind of the drag sitcom that was kind of the butt of jokes in the world of comedy snobs for the two weeks that it was on.

Yeah. How did this go? I never actually watched it, although I was absolutely curious about it. You know, it's shocking because if you watch the pilot, the thing that should be running through your head the whole time should be, it's 2012. The year right now is 2012. I am watching this. This was made this year or early last year. It's 2012.

It's the least progressive. It's just such a throwback The jokes are just Hit you over the head with like a cinder block And they don't There is no logic There's no So what's the

I guess I can't imagine in this day and age What would be the setup for two men having to pose as women The setup God The setup is. Guy works at Pontiac. He and his buddy get laid off. They're at a bar.

Talking about all the corners they're going to have to cut. All the things they're not going to be able to afford. Can't pay his daughter's cell phone bill. Because in the pilot. All this kid likes to do is just be on her cell phone. That's true. Kids text a lot these days. Kids text. Facebook. Does someone say Facebook?'s facebook text and tweet like you wouldn't believe

sexting okay so so he's talking about all these corners that he has to cut cut to a bar dave i'm laughing i don't know i don't know i think you're i mean you set this up like you were going to describe a bad show i'm laughing you're working it i'm working it you should you should i'm jacking off over here dave well you should get that premise is so funny i'm working it. I'm working it. You should. I'm jacking off over here, Dave. Well, you should get on. That premise is so funny. I'm working it. In parentheses, my shaft. Mr. Morris, I got 44 total minutes of entertainment for you then. I got two episodes of working for you that I will give to you on a flash drive.

Please. Okay. So they end up to cut corners. They're at a bar. Not cutting corners. I mean, apparently that doesn't apply to drinking some Brew Dogs with your bro-heems. No. That is a necessary expense so they pay six dollars a beer exactly that's all so that's that's the first like incongruous thing throwing back a couple bls yep

so they're drinking bud light lime and their friend why wouldn't they it's delicious their tertiary character friend who's like some good old boy stand-up uh stand-up comic guy is like you know we're living in a man session. All the women are getting all the good jobs, which like immediately, immediately not true, offensive. Just, that's not true. I don't know. Jen, you're the president of Virgin Airways, right?

I am. You replaced Richard Branson. Yeah, I'm now in charge. You have a private island, right? As a woman, I keep up with the feminist journalism, and they actually have been saying that the majority of jobs that have been lost during the recession have been men. grabbed that and ran with it as far as it would go because it's the way that it wasn't like, you know, let's work within our, let's try to find another job somewhere else.

They're trying to get the guy thinks that he's going to basically your way in is the guy is about to steal his wife's earrings and sell them because he goes to the doctor for a physical because his insurance is about to run out through his work and they're like actually it already did run out

you owe us nine hundred dollars and he's like where am i gonna get nine hundred dollars and then he peeks in to his wife's uh jewelry box takes out the earrings they eat they have price tags on them that say nine hundred dollars so the audience is sure to know that this is the solution to his problem. He says all this out loud to no one, by the way. Literally. Takes the earrings, puts them up to his ears, just for no reason, turns around, and he's magically standing in front of a mirror

on which a dress is hung. So there's a dress. And so he sees himself. He sees himself with earrings held up to his ears and a dress where his clothes would be because of the perspective of the mirror and goes, hmm. Justin Bieber. And that's the premise. Really?

Yeah. Like a superhero origin story. Yeah, right. But what does he – so what job does he get in drag that he couldn't get otherwise? It's a pharmaceutical rep for a drug company it's just like and here's the thing like we could talk about this forever and it wouldn't be really that fun because the show's not fun like you want to watch it and go i can't believe this this is so like it's crazy it's just like but then they so so there's the hilarious premise of man as woman

but then the rest of the show is just the dealings, the day-to-day dealings of a pharmaceutical company. It's all business from there. One of the men happens to be dressed as a woman. They're going through FDA trials. It's really taking a long time. Oh, yeah. A lot of red tape there with those FDA types. Problematic side effects.

Kids are getting real sick. Yeah. kids are getting real sick yeah uh no it's just it's just offensive to if you're a if you're a man if you're a woman if you're alive if you're a human being so whether you have a dick or a pussy yeah i have a question in the universe of work it does the movie tootsie exist no i mean but the show bosom buddies doesn't exist apparently it's like oh man it's so whatever there's one i didn't see the second episode the one scene that like drove me insane which was just an opera a blown opportunity for even the level of jokes that that show achieves is the guy uh goes into a in drag goes on his lunch break to a taco restaurant and his friend the guy

who also was going to dress in drag before he has started to dress in drag as a last resort he takes a job at this taco restaurant so he goes up to the counter orders his burrito or something and his friend doesn't recognize him as his friend in drag he's just like hello ma'am that'll be eight dollars and it's like not a scene with any laughs. And I was thinking if they're at least going to push it this far and have it be, okay, the guy doesn't know that it's his friend. Is he at least going to hit on him? Yeah, right. Like, wow, wow, ma'am, I'd like to see your taco.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe you'd want, I've got a burrito in my, wow, wow. Something like that. Exactly. Eyes bugging out like the Tex A burrito in my, wow, wow. Yeah. Something like that. Exactly. Eyes bugging out like the Tex Avery wolf. Sure. Yes, exactly. He could hit himself on the head with a frying pan.

Yep. So not only does that not happen. So it's just a simple transaction. Yeah. Guy in the dress walks away from the counter. His friend's looking at him and I'm like, oh, he's going to like make a comment about his ass. He doesn't. The man in the dress leaves and then comes back in and goes up to the counter and goes, hey, it's me.

It's me. I know nothing happened. It's me, your friend. I know there's no reason for me to reveal this. And he's like, what? And then the next scene is the other guy also dressed in drag like, I can get you a job if you just want. Yeah, it's ludicrous that sounds delightful i will say not having uh seen it but seeing just the pictures the way it was cast was

just shocking to me because they look like linebackers big tall broad-shouldered men like five o'clock shadows that are just unalterable, like they can't get rid of. They just look like men in wigs. Yeah. Do you think just as Angelenos, like the clear man dressed as woman is such a kind of a part of our daily landscape that like maybe we kind of overestimate how weird, like how easy that is to identify. I will give you that when I was in high school and worked at the man theater, there was a guy who used to come in in a wig and high heel shoes every Thursday night. And we all knew he was a man. I don't think so. I think most people are smart enough to know that that man looks like a man.

Yeah, my friends and I, there was an inadvertent viewing party. My roommate had a couple of friends over on a Monday night or Tuesday night, and I said, hey, we could watch Work It if you guys want. And everyone wanted to watch Work It. Yeah. And we were all discussing afterwards how funny it would be if the second episode was just everybody, all the women at this pharmaceutical company saying like, oh, we know you're men. We just assumed you were transse. Transsexual. Yeah. We were being tolerant of your sexual preference. We support you because in,

in 2012, that's not strange. Yeah. Right. But instead it was like, Hey ladies, are we going to go out tonight and have fun as girls? And they're all like, Oh,

you know, yes. Appletinis. Yeah. And like one of the ways that guy bonds with, uh, one of the drag guys bonds with the lady They're at a bar and he says something like

Hey thanks for the tampon Or something like My checklist of things women like And have in their purse Tampons end of list Well okay Dave on a scale of Miller Chill To Bud Light Lime, where would you rate

The two episodes of Work It that exist? I give it a Sad guy Pouring early times whiskey Into his Starbucks coffee on his lunch break Terrific Well, now I'll go Can I get another Bud Light Lime?

Sure Alright, oh man, Goldberg's lapped us Well, now I'll go. Can I get another Bud Light Lime while we're... Sure. All right. Oh, man. Goldberg's lapped us. She has really come around. That's okay. Yeah. Oh, look who's making a fucking shitty sound when I'm passing out the Bud Light Lime.

If I could get a straw, that would be great. Oh, they all come around. They all come around. Would you like a giant plastic guitar for that? We can do that. Because Argaritaitas all around. Yeah. Intern Colin is here helping me kind of engineer this process.

Colin, would you get us some guitar garitas? Yeah. Play it upstairs. Thanks, Colin. I like the idea that Jesse doesn't keep any liquor in his house except for guitar garitas. Right. Well, I mean, you know, anyone can enjoy a guitar garita. For sure.

I mean, it's being a good host. You have a guest come over. Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea, guitar garita. Well, it's like people, you know, like Jesse doesn't drink, but it's like people who say, you know, oh, I only drink when I smoke cigarettes. It's like, oh, I only drink when it's out of a plastic guitar that I can wear. Oh, I'll drink a guitar garita.

Sure. I'm not going to have a Cos I could wear. Oh, I'll drink a guitar. Sure. I'm not going to have I'm not going to have a Cosmo, though. Oh, you know, actually, I'll maybe delay my TV dubious recommendation for a few seconds. I'd like to talk about a phenomenon related to TV that's kind of in that vein. OK, so the this kind of person has existed since the advent of television, or fairly soon after the advent of television, you've always had the person that goes, oh, I don't watch TV. Oh, I don't even own a TV. I don't watch TV. I don't even own a TV.

And that traditionally is kind of to imply to the listener, I don't watch TV, I read. I don't watch TV. I read. I don't watch TV. I exercise. Like, the kind of the subtext of I don't own a TV has been... I'm better than you because you do own a TV. Right, exactly. The time you spend watching TV, I spend doing... Being productive.

Doing this worthwhile thing. I have been told in the past couple of years oh i don't own a tv in that shitty way that way that is loaded with subtext but then that person goes on to say oh i don't own a tv i just watch netflix and hulu and i download stuff you watch tv it's fine that you don't have a physical tv that's not that weird anymore like that is you don't need one yeah so you cannot please for the love of fucking god don't adopt that i'm better than you tone you watch tv shows yeah i don't know anyway i think that's i that's totally it's it's really interesting that that statement which used to be really weighty like

i mean you know people that was like a trope. Like, oh, I don't watch – but that would usually be followed up with, I don't watch TV. I mostly read or I get all my news from the paper or I read The New Yorker. But now it's like you don't have to have cable to be able to watch all the shows on cable. You can buy them on iTunes. You can put them on your phone and watch them on a plane. I watched Netflix on my phone on a plane the other week and i you know like i you know i don't know i don't i haven't had cable in a while but that doesn't mean i don't watch archer

sure archer is pretty easily accessible and it's smart it's smart and great it's a great show yeah archer's great and it's easy to watch. Yeah, because you can watch it anywhere. Sure. And you can watch it on your iPad. You don't have to tune in Thursday nights at 10 on FX. You could. You could.

It'd be good for their Nielsen's. Because Nielsen's does not recognize DVR recordings, which I think is bullshit, and I'm sorry to get in a soapbox. But if the majority of people do not want to ingest their TV live. We should find a way. Horowitz, get off that 12 or a Bud Light lime. Get off that. Sorry, I'm crushing these sweet green cans. You're crushing our BLLs. Okay, on to my dubious TV recommendation.

Has anyone watched Spartacus colon Blood and Sand? Oh, I have. Eric, gut reaction Spartacus. Okay, let me be more specific how much of spartacus colon blood and sand have you watched and what did you think of that amount of i don't think you say colon blood anymore yeah colon blood yeah i mean spartacus gets stabbed in the colon he shits blood and that's kind of where the where the action what's what drives the action if that was just a list of the things that you would see on that show,

Spartacus, comma, colon blood, comma, and sand. And sand. I came for the sand, I stayed for the blood. Sure. By the way, this guitar-garita is guitar-garific. Thank you so much. So yeah, the thing about this show is that it's so, and you say gut reaction,

it is a visceral show. Sure. They are just exploding in worlds of blood, and there's orgies of sex, and it's just, everything is to such an extreme degree. I think it's very watchable. I think it's very interesting. Yeah, it's set in ancient Rome. It's a gladiator program. I, you know, I don't know, from what I understand, Spartacus is a historical figure.

Yeah, but this is not your grandpappy Spartacus. No, uh-uh. He's the hard fucking, hard fighting, slow motion screaming. Yeah. He's a Spartacus for the Bud Light Lime generation. I think if he were a contemporary of us, he would surely be slamming Bud Light Limes. Pound a six or a BLL before he... For reals.

I can't... When you say BLL all I think of is bacon, lettuce, and lettuce. Like that's a sandwich. That's my favorite sandwich. So you just want double lettuce? No, I want a bacon, lettuce, and lettuce sandwich. Please, I would like the bacon to be between two pieces of lettuce. And I want that lettuce between

two pieces of bread. And I do not want a fucking tomato on that, you asshole. That's what you say to the sandwich guy. Yeah. Because you're some weird... So Spartacus, is it... I've never seen it, but is it like a super violent, sexy version

of like Hercules or Xena Warrior Princess? I would say, yes. It's like three... And it's actually executive produced by Sam Raimi and Rob Tappert, who executive produced that show. Yes, from the team that brought you. Oh, okay.

But it's like also Caligula and 300 had an animated baby, and this is what it is. And some of the plot points from Gladiator. It's a real jambalaya of unoriginality. But yeah, but I kind of started off just kind of having it in the background while I did something. I'm a big background noise guy. I've kind of always... Me too. Yes, I've got to have something on.

And the problem with background noise is that if it's to be in the background, it's got to be something I'm not that interested in. I recommend Storage Wars for that purpose. Sure. Storage Wars sounds great. Mine is How I Met Your Mother. Anything where it's a blue-collar job but elevated to the status of war, I think you can, which is common these days. Like Chopped. Sure.

There's also Shipping Wars I've seen. Anyways, there's a lot of – there's more conflict going on than you would think. There's also shipping wars I've seen. Anyways, there's a lot of, there's more conflict going on than you would think. There's also the History Channel. Yes, the History Channel. So it kind of started out, I just, because Netflix had been recommending it to me ad nauseum. You might like...

If I may. You may. Today, I found out that Netflix, of the top ten recommendations for me, one of them was a log, like a fireplace. They're like, Eric, based on your preferences, we think you might like a fireplace. And there were two categories. One was special interest, no shit. And the other one was home and garden.

That's what this fell under. Wow. Home and garden. Well, the fireplace isn't a home. Home and garden. That's what this fell under. Wow. Home and garden.

Well, the fireplace isn't a home. Eric, you're a bland gentleman who probably doesn't want to feel all ganked up with drama or character or violence. You might just like to watch this log slowly burn. For fans of images with noise to accompany them, this will not be too upsetting to your delicate sensibilities. Right. It really fucking mellowed me out. No, I can see how it would. Or do you think it's just because you watch a lot of folksy programming? Are you watching a lot of Little House on the Prairie?

I watch a lot of insane programming. Like, the last thing I watched was the Bill Hicks documentary, and then I watched one about the Rockafire explosion. These are things that do not follow. There's no reason why it would happen. I mean, explosion, fireplace, Bill Hicks' comedy was a cultural explosion, fire. His opinions were' comedy was a cultural explosion. Yeah, it was a fire.

Fire. His opinions were explosive. Sure. Which leads to fire. Right, right. And also, those are both documentaries. True life program. Can you get more real than a log burning?

Sure, that is a kind of documentary. There's no trick photography there. That's just the magic of fire. There's no CGI. It's too real. Sorry, Spielberg. Guys, I think we just— Sorry, War Horse.

Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you, War Horse. This log is more compelling than you. We just cracked the Netflix algorithm. I think we did. So, yeah. So, I've—but it got to the point where I started to—I would, like, close my laptop,

shove aside what I was working on, and then I was just interested in Spartacus, Blood and Sand. How many episodes did it take you to get to that point? I may be mid three. Because I tried to watch it on your recommendation and got through five minutes. Here's the problem. Here's one of the big problems with the first couple episodes of Spartacus, Colon, Blood and Sand.

Colon Blood. Colon Blood. He poops it out. Here's one of the the problems is that there's a lot of like um chargey battle scenes that are very much in the style of 300 but without the budget they are 300 on a xena budget so there's these battle scenes that are kind of the color is washed out and there's a lot of slow motion and then like cgi blood spurt and it just seems so shitty like it just seems like i'm like well great 300 exists what what am i doing watching this um they ease up on they ease up on it a little bit as it goes

on there's still a lot of like stylized slow motion action but it's not you know so clearly trying to ape uh 300 and it gets a little more practical there's a lot more like practical uh blood and stabbings and entrails i think i stopped when the cgi blood hit the camera and i say that with all verbal air quotes yes that happens only occasionally in the series but to punctuate a big dramatic moment, like when a real important character dies, it's like a wipe. It's like how Star Wars has the mid-wipes. The Spartacus Blood and Sand has the blood wipe. To really let you know that a turning point has occurred. And it definitely looks like it was done either on a Sega Genesis or on some version of Microsoft Paint. It is not the best effect.

It's not the best blood. No, absolutely not. But I will say this, that the story just gets wonderfully juicy. And the actor who plays Spartacus, I guess, unfortunately passed away recently. What, really? He did, yeah. He died, and I guess for this new season they've replaced him. He died? He died. Why didn't you lead with that? How did he die? He did, yeah. He died, and I guess for this new season they've replaced him. Died?

He died. Why didn't you lead with that? How did he die? He just, he had some, yeah, yeah. And it's funny because, I mean, as you might expect from being in a gladiator show, he's just at, in peak physical form. Right. And he is nude a lot, and he has a huge dick. And he has a lot of other naked arguments with other dudes who have huge dicks.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Yeah, yeah. He's got a huge dick? A lot of Spartacus, there's a lot of female nudity. There's a lot of topless slaves. Lucy Lawless, who played Xena, is topless a lot. Whoa. Looking great, by the way.

Okay. Sometimes she's in a red wig. That's great. And topless. Okay, now I see why you like this show. Oh, yeah. He likes redheads. He likes Lucy Lawless.

It's shining through. He likes boobs. But, um, so, uh, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The guy dies. Spartacus. Spartacus' dog. So, yes, there's also a lot of male nudity.

And I don't know if these are CGI dicks or not. I would like to think they are. For my own purposes. Why wouldn't they be their real dicks? They're really big. The dicks are real big. You feel like they're engorged? I mean, they're hanging.

You don't ever see Spartacus erect. I actually didn't get this far in the series yet. Now I'm having second thoughts. You haven't seen Spartacus hanging, Don? I have not yet. Maybe that was announced. You know what? Even on the level of the network stars,

there's a lot of network notes coming from the brass upstairs. I'm sure that they saw a bunch of cuts and they probably focus grouped them and they said guys everything's testing really well everything's tracking everything makes sense can we get a little more dong can we get a little more dog we get and then they're like oh yeah we can get some like guys in there no can we get a couple more inches on spartacus right and that's where the cg comes in he's the yeah he's the he's the hero of Capua. He's gotta be

well endowed. We want to believe that he's got a sword sheathed in his scabbard. Thank you, sir. No problem. I was speaking to my friend who is a gay gentleman, and we were talking about how this show is heavily marketed towards the gays. I mean,

God, that makes perfect sense, but continue. We were driving on sunset and there was a billboard for the new season and he was saying that in gq you see topless guys kind of posed from the show you know in sword fighting poses or whatever and then there'll be little captions that are like you know spartacus is the hero of his generation blah blah blah blah but then in out magazine when it's the same poses of shirtless guys with swords poking each other in the colon uh except the captions say like he was a slave who knew hardness from the day he was born i mean there is there is like a really like interesting

gay love affair in the show uh that's not like treated as unusual because from what i understand the ancient romans sexuality was very fluid and yes there is a lot of very muscular men being in slow motion and arguing while hanging dong so yeah i mean i can see and then and it also is is quite campy at times and there's a lot of like there's a lot of like um you know duplicitous women saying things behind each other's backs, which I also assume that gay men enjoy. And also, like, isn't the season finale called We're All the Same When the Lights Go Out? Yeah, exactly. A hole's a hole is what it's called.

Coal and blood. Coal and blood. No, you know, it's funny. The final episode of the first season. colon blood. No, you know, it's funny. The final episode of the first season. Oh, I was going to make the point that the lead actor is very, very good.

And it's absolutely an underwritten part. It's an underwritten show. But he manages to be really compelling and to, you know, have a little bit of nuance in this thing that's just, you know, the character is just a screaming, slow motion revenge machine. But he manages to kind of bring a little heart to it and it's and he's it's it's really great and i i'm i'm you know big shoes to fill for the next spartacus is what i'm saying um it's super compelling like everything's just all the stakes are super high it's life or death it just hooks you i think right away yeah yeah it was a

treat um so yeah i uh a um a kind of iffy recommendation for a Spartacus colon blood and sand on a scale of Miller chill to Bud Light lime. I give it a water bottle filled with vodka in junior high. We'll be back in just a little bit on Jordan, Jesse go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love trainee, Eric Martin, fruit leather daddy. Jen Goldberg, Mayor McCheese. Terrific. Thanks for being here, guys. This is a lot of fun. It's a full house here at MaxFun headquarters, and we're having a great time. Hey, Horwitz, throw me another BLL BrewDog.

Coming right up, Jamor. Here we go. Here we go. Boom. Gonna crack it. Oh. That's the sound of freshness. Thanks, Bud Lightline.

Spritey. This week's Jordan, Jesse Go! Brought to you by the fine folks over at MakePixelArt.com. MakePixelArt.com. Go there and make some cool art in the style of 8 and 16-bit video games. It's a ton of fun, and they are just peachy for sponsoring our program week to week. Thanks to the folks at MakePixelArt.com.

Go over there. Make us some JJ Go fan art. I feel like I haven't seen enough MakePixelArt.com JJ Go fan art. I would like to. I would be delighted. I want to see Spartacus' dong in 8-bit fan art.

There you go. That is your action item this week. Go over to MakePixelArt.com. Make some sweet Spartacus dong art. Make it an extra large. Yeah, just make sure to extend it. I don't know what the maximum pixel count is on MakePixelArt.com. I don't know if you can have enough pixels to make Spartacus' giant dong.

Maybe you can use multiple pictures stacked back to back. Yeah. So the dong's extending through all of them. They're like two shirts. One, oh, dong, and one, I'm with dong. Maybe you can use multiple pictures stacked back to back, so the dong's extending through all of them. They're like two shirts, one dong and one I'm with dong, and it just runs across both of them. I think these are all great solutions to Spartacus' dong being too big for MakePixelArt.com. But please, do your own thing.

Absolutely. Guys, let's go to the calls, shall we? From time to time, people have momentous occasions. Interesting things happen to them, and they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. And now that's what we're going to listen to. Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Dan from Maryland, and I have been teaching college physics. This was my first semester that I just finished, and I just got my teaching evaluations. And I was informed by one of the students that I am the, quote, biggest

turd muncher of a teacher that this student has ever encountered. And he recommends that people avoid me at all costs or, quote, just buy some lube because he's going to rape you. costs or, quote, just buy some lube because he's going to rape you. So that's a very encouraging thing, and I guess I felt that was pretty momentous. What? Oh, you know, I have to confess that I kind of saw that coming a little bit. The rape joke? Well, here's what I did see coming.

The intern who was nice enough to download and catalog these calls for us titled each call, and this one is titled Turd Muncher. Turd Muncher I'm totally on board with. That's a different category. Yeah, I mean, Turd Muncher is delightful, and it's

classic. It's something that maybe Wayne from the Wonder Years would call Kevin. category. Yeah, I mean, Turd Muncher is delightful, and it's classic. It's something that maybe Wayne from the Wonder Years would call Kevin. Or Wayne Campbell would call Benjamin, played by Rob Lowe. Was that on Wonder Years? Oh, no, no, I'm saying Wayne from

the Wonder Years, or Wayne Campbell of Wayne and Garth fame. Oh, right. Yeah, absolutely. It was a very late 80s, early 90s feel. Sure. Rob Lowe, who is, of course, trying to steal Cassandra, lead singer of Crucial Taunt. Yeah. I can't believe you know the name. Because their cover of Ballroom Bliss was too powerful. It was very, very good.

So good. So, okay. Yes. So I think Turd and Muncher is great because it's this classic little kid insult. But then it goes to the rape zone. It goes to... Is being a turd muncher the same thing as being a child rapist? I'm going to say no.

I think so, too. I think that's a little bit severe. I think all the comments range greatly in varying degrees of severity. range greatly in varying degrees of severity. I just want to say that I think it's maybe better to be, say, a turd muncher or even a raper than just to be sort of a bland teacher that you give maybe two and a half stars. I would want to be divisive. I would want to maybe split the class. Love them or hate them.

Yeah. Well, it's also college-level physics. I mean, it's not going to be an easy class. You've got to know that going in. It's not going to be a walk in the park. And you know what? If you have to be a turd muncher to get your point across, trust me. Munch some turds. Was it college physics? I think that's what he said.

Okay. I was going to say, you know, I almost, I was kind of even picturing a younger child here. Well, exactly. But okay. But I was going to say, yeah, like the like at what age do you... The thought... It had never occurred to me to make a rape joke before.

It is kind of one of those taboos that, for better or for worse, is kind of common in edgy comedy these days. What was the forum? Was it Facebook? Was it Yelp? How did you find out? Probably those handwritten evaluations at the end of the class. But yeah, I guess, and it makes sense that they don't give those to eighth graders. Because it would just be page after page of turd muncher.

Well, then that makes the turd muncher funnier. Right. That it was done by a college, excuse me, physics student. Yeah, presumably someone that's over the age of 18. Well, that Bud Light line backed up on me there. Okay, well, turd muncher. Great. That was fantastic.

On to the next call. Jordan, Jesse, I have what I'm not sure is a momentous occasion or a moment of shame. I was just at a strip club, which leans towards a moment of shame, but I met a stripper, and she seemed really nice, and she came over and talked to me without any shame, but I met a stripper, and she seemed really nice, and she came over and talked to me without any money, and I told her I wasn't getting a lap dance. It wasn't in the context of a lap dance. She still talked to me for like 15 minutes, and then I gave her my number, which she took, and I guess where I'm coming down is, is it a moment of shame because I'm thinking, hey, maybe this is going to go somewhere?

Or is it a momentous occasion because maybe I'll be dating a stripper? I don't know. You guys figure it out. Thanks. Shame. Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame, shame. Shame, shame.

Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame. Oh, my God. He got snowed. How dare you go into a strip club, give a stripper your number, and have any hope in the world she's going to call you. You got snowed, bro, and she probably shook you down for a ton of money.

Are you reading that off the can of Bud Light Live, Dave? Is that on the back? It's extremely small. That's what it says, you know, premium light beer with 100% natural lime flavor. You got snowed, bro. You got snowed, bro. Interesting. Okay. Thoughts? Let's go to the peanut gallery. We know

what Dave thinks about it. Oh, bro. Listen. I'm sorry. She doesn't want to date you. That's her job. Her job is to make you think that she wants to date you. Yeah. I'm. Her job is to make you think that she wants to date you. Yeah, I'm guessing that maybe you will get a call, but it'll be, hey, I'm down at the club. Come in and give me some money.

No, she threw that away immediately. Oh, yeah? Do you think so? Absolutely. Okay, first, where is she going to put it? All she's wearing is a G-string, maybe. Oh, you know, I guess I'm picturing it, her putting it into her phone. Maybe she has a little purse or a clutch.

I think it went in the thong. With all the dollar bills. He wrote it on her. I guess he stuffed, he could write it on a little receipt or a napkin and slip it into her thong. I will say, I had some expertise in this, and I will say, and not me personally. Well, you were in Motley Crue for a while. So you fucked a lot of strippers. Exactly.

And etiquette on the Sunset Strip is one thing, and I don't know where you were. But no, honestly, there was a friend of mine who had sort of an affair. He was dating a stripper. And this happened when it was him and his band, and we went to to this club and we wound up going there Nightly and what happened was She gave him her phone Was the band playing at the club? The band was not playing at the club, this was the post Show, like, wind down period

I was like, oh, let's go to the strip club I don't see that as a place where you Wind down Maybe have a nice hot toddy somewhere Or, uh Is this the band Buck Cherry, by any chance? Are you friends with John Buck Cherry? In fact, this was Crucifer.

Oh, okay. And they party a little harder. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not kidding. Okay. But Eric, I think that's an important distinction, that she gave him her number because she was interested. That's the important point.

Yeah. That's the way it should happen, if it's going to happen. Otherwise, it did not happen. Anyway, so wait. So you had a friend. He was having an affair. Not an affair. It was a relationship. Otherwise, it did not happen. Anyway, so wait. So you had a friend. He was having an affair. Not an affair. It was a relationship.

A dalliance. A liaison. Exactly. Affair sounds so torrid. You're right. But did your friend meet her at the strip club? Yes. Through the occasion of getting a lap dance.

They hit it off. Right. She found out he was in a band. They got to a talking. He found out she was a stripper. Sure. Really? Yeah.

Sparks. Interesting. So maybe, I don't know the guy who's calling, maybe he's in a band. Maybe this is- Doesn't sound like he's in a band. Might be in a Math Rock band. It sounds like maybe he writes a blog about people who write a blog about video games. Okay, he evaluates various video game blogs on his blog. It's a lot of Kotaku reblogs.

Yep. Sure. Okay. But I don't know. You know, maybe. I mean, he could be in, I don't know, MGMT. They're a bunch of little wieners. So maybe he's in that.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you a little wiener. I apologize. I'm just joking. But yeah, but I don't, I mean, I don't want to say, you know, immediately this is nothing. But I'm just saying that don't, don't, don't, you know. As a woman, this is nothing. But I'm just saying that don't you know. As a woman this is nothing. I will say I've only been to a strip club once. What? And you know I will say that I had the flu. I didn't know

it was the flu. I had a bottle of nasal spray in my pocket and glittery ladies were coming up to me all night asking me if I wanted to have a dance. And I would always say no. And then they would always ask me if I was sure and ask me a question about myself. And I didn't want to be rude, but I feel like I was definitely coming off as rude because I'd been dragged there.

And I just kept saying no thank you. And I didn't want to say I was sick, but I was clearly not sounding well. So I feel like a stripper will do anything to to ensnare uh uh their mark so i feel like this guy probably led with you know you know actually designed a couple of pretty popular uh you know photoshop jokes that got passed around tumblr a lot i've made a few animated gifs that have been very i did one called you know macaroni and bees and it's orange bees that are in a kind of a bowl, and that one, you know,

has about 3,000 reblogs, and she was like, really? I have used the computer before, and he's like, this girl is in love with me. Perhaps you've heard of fuckyatmgmt.tumblr.com?

That's me. I reblog pictures of MGMT. I was in it once. I got kicked out. You got snowed, bro. Let's listen to the next call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, it's Matt from Los Angeles with A Momentous Occasions. I just bought a breakfast burrito, and on the $10 bill I received for change are the

words Rick Martino and the web address YouTube.com. So I thought that was a big deal. Bye. What's happening? For those of you, for Dave specifically and Eric and maybe people who aren't regular JJGO listeners. Or who don't live on the east side of LA. Yes, who aren't into this very east side of LA specific conversation that this caller is contributing to. There's a man in LA named Rick Martino. He passes out flyers.

You might find them at coffee shops. You might find them at, like, Kinko's. The first one I got said, Rick Martino, physically fit, Italian-American, YouTube.com. And then he began posting these signs that started kind of at West Hollywood, and I saw as far as, like, Los Feliz.

The city is killing my pigeons without my permission. RickMartinoYouTube.com. And you go to YouTube.com, Rick Martino, and there's a bunch of kind of bizarre things that don't make sense. There's a black and white art movie of him driving around L.A. in a convertible. a black and white art movie of him driving around LA in a convertible. The pigeon thing is an actual tirade about, is Rick Martino in front of the animal control office complaining about how they've been killing his pigeons? And now I guess he's defacing money.

So it's good that he's branching out. Or one of his fans is. Yeah, or maybe, maybe, yeah, maybe he's become a meme or maybe that, you know, he has multitudes. Yeah, it could be like Pastor Tony Alimony is having those people out there doing, you know, doing the Lord's good work. Who's Tony Alimony? I don't know who that is. Oh, he's the guy, he has those, if you've ever been to Burbank and its surrounding environments, he passes out those newsletters, and he's sort of this pastor. And every single file, every single photo of him is he's wearing, like looks like Tony Montana and Scarface, big like aviator shades.

But they're all from 1986. Yeah. Which seems very sketchy. Okay. Interesting. I kind of, I mean, like I've never heard of this guy, but it's funny. Living in Los Angeles and having been here since, you know, the end of 2005, that's when I moved here. I feel like I've never even visited another place that has more sort of like guerrilla-style self-promotion. Whether it's someone giving out a flyer or like something stuck to a cork board in a coffee bean or even just a guy at a casting session trying to charm the girl next to him by saying, hey, a bunch of my acoustic cover songs are up and you can get my EP on iTunes for free.

It's amazing how much of that permeates this landscape. It's kind of amazing. Yeah, I mean, that kind of desperation is definitely something that you feel more in L.A. than you do most other places. And I think Rick Martino is definitely a version of this, but weirder, and it's harder to say what he wants. Obviously, he would like his pigeons to not be killed.

We know that. But as far as like, I mean, we know he's Italian-American. We know he's physically fit. He has a YouTube account. He's clearly mentally ill. Also, I should say, when Rick Martino puts YouTube, he doesn't put slash Rick Martino. No, of course not. He just puts YouTube.com.

YouTube.com. And then you let your fingers do the walking. Yeah, exactly. You don't need to put www anymore before addresses. Rick Martino is marketing to the savvy. Exactly. He doesn't want any pleads. People who are hanging out in Kinkos.

Rick Martino, I'm a celebrity. Google me. Exactly. Well, hey, great batch of momentous occasions this week. I don't feel like any of us got snowed on those calls. No way, bros. Thanks, bros. We'll be back

in a little bit on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, the writers of the mid-season sitcom, sure to be a smash hit, Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23. Do you know when this comes on television? When can people watch this? Sure thing, Jordan. Guys, tune in to the American Broadcasting Corporation, ABC. Is this coming on after Work It? Is this a lead-in to Work It? You know, I'm actually proud to say that it's coming on after Modern Family.

Oh, nice. Oh, well, that's a good television program. That's a great lead-in. So April 11th, set your Deavers, set your TiVos, or just park it live in front of the TV, watch Modern Family, and then hold on to your butts. Jurassic Park. Yep. Called it.

But it's going to be fun. King of movie trivia. Terrific. And you're also on Twitter. Yeah. Check out some going to be fun. King of movie trivia. Terrific. And you're also on Twitter. Yeah. Check out some of my small jokes. It's Twitter.com slash Dave underscore Horwitz. That's H-O-R-W-I-T-Z.

And might I say, if I could do a plug for you, if any of you are in the L.A. area and you have a chance to catch Dave's sketch group, A Kiss from Daddy, at the UCB Theater. They are so hilarious. Neil Campbell and Paul Rust, who have also been guests on the show, are a part of this group. And boy, howdy, it's some of the funniest sketch comedy that you can see. So definitely, if you are in the L.A. area, and you see A Kiss from Daddy on the UCB schedule, go see it. Gosh darn it.

Thank you so much, Jordan. It's the first Wednesday of every month at 8 p.m. in Los Angeles. There you go. Jen Goldberg, Eric Martin, you have a podcast, This American Wife, a gentle parody of public radio with some dead-on impressions of public radio personalities, I should say. Where can people find this program? They can find it at thisamerWifePodcast.com. It's also on iTunes. And if you're just starting out, I think some great entry ones are we did some great collaborations

with Super Ego and the Thrilling Adventure Hour, and those are great programs. And Jordan Morris does a wonderful program that you should listen to as well. Yes, I've been on the program. Dave Holmes has been on the program. Dave Horowitz has been on the program. Dave Holmes has been on the program. Dave Horwitz has been on the program. Dave Horwitz has been on the gosh darn program. Jordan Collin has been on the program. Yeah, he delivered the guitar garitas

when you guys had the Vegas episode. Well, great. Yes, people should absolutely check out that program. You guys are also on the Twitter. Where can people find you? I'm girlsgongoldberg, everywhere you want to be. I'm not that great on Twitter, but find me at yachtrock.tumblr.com. Oh, okay.

That's where the magic is. Yeah, get that Tumblr. Oh, and also, I'm going to start writing for a website that's launching next week called ladybro.com, lady-bro.com. Oh, nice. What kind of content can we expect to see on ladybro.com? A reaction to baby ladies on the internet. So it's going to be me and a bunch of my gal kind of funny friends. What's a baby lady?

Oh, you know. Zooey Deschanel. I kind of like the Zooey Deschanel big eyes ukulele hat with a little teddy bear and some pigtails. You're saying it's a response to polka dot dresses. Exactly. Well, fantastic. We don't mind polka dot dresses, just in moderation.

Well, fair enough Do you guys know if you'll be at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival yet? Has that been cemented perhaps? I'll be there looking at ladies naked breasts Some of Portland's famous strip clubs we should add At the very least But stay tuned on that Okay potentially at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival

Will you Jordan? I also hope to be. Well, we should... That was a premature plug set up. We don't know anything about that. We all hope to be, but we'll... It's really fun if you're in Portland and you're not going to the comedy festival. Oh, sure. Because we're plugging things.

I'll make a plug. I'm going to read people's tweets from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival from my house in Los Angeles. Oh, that's great. Thank you. I actually did that show this week, but with San Francisco Sketch Fest. That was a lot of fun. I can't wait to hear about all the voodoo donuts people are eating. Well, fantastic. I would also like to kind of say a special thank you to intern Colin

and producer Julia for helping me out with these recordings while Jesse has been gone. I know jack shit about this, and it's sad that I've been doing it this long and still don't know how to record a podcast. So thank you to Colin and Julia who came in in their off time and picked up the slack so we could record these shows for you. Yeah, Jesse will be back next week in theory. We've had some very, very good guests lined up.

So please keep on attuning in to Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, I'm back. Remember how the show was over? But now it's not. I forgot to pick a tweet of the week. So here's how we do this. You guys, guests, make some chit chat while I pick a tweet of the week. Oh.

So go ahead. Tell that story about that guy with the relaxed fit jeans again. So my friend's dad walked in and wearing relaxed fit jeans. And in true dad fashion, he went, there's a daddy in the house. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. That's crazy. Oh, that's great.

Actually, that terrific. That was some good banter. I've picked a tweet of the week. These are, of course, people who have hashtagged JJ Go on Twitter. We encourage you to do that. Promote the show to friends. And maybe you'll win the tweet of the week. you to do that, promote the show to friends, and maybe you'll win the tweet of the week.

This is from Ercolson, E-R-C-O-U-L-S-O-N, in my wife's labor and delivery room with my wife in labor. Yeah, that's a little repetitive. It's still the tweet of the week. Let me finish it. In my wife's labor and delivery room with my wife in labor and what does she want in the background? Hashtag JJ Go. Is this a first?

Whoa. Boy, yes. Having JJ Go playing at your child's birth is a first. I should hope it would also have been played at the conception, too. Just have JJ Go on at all pivotal moments. I think that's a good tip. The first thing that baby's going to hear when it comes into the world is Jordan talking about a dong, maybe. Yeah. No, no, it's probably

a dong. I think you're probably right to assume that. Maybe a boob. Maybe a left boob. Law of averages. The baby will hear me talking about a dong. Well, hey, ER Colson, you've won the Tweet of the Week, which I'm sure is eclipsing your newborn child right now. Yeah, congratulations on

being a dad. On both, really. Yeah, absolutely. You'll be sent a fine JJ Go t-shirt. Just email your address to intern at MaximumFun.org and maybe swaddle your newborn babe in that t-shirt. That would be cute. Great idea. Send pics.

Send pics. Thanks a bunch. Everybody else should hashtag JJ Go at Twitter and we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf?

That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.