Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 211: Bogus

Episode Date: February 13, 2012

Cartoonist Tony Millionaire joins Jordan and Jesse at Thorn Manor to teach us etymology, school dance etiquette, and generational pop culture.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, prid joined by Maki's creator, Tony Millionaire,

who explains his theory that 85% of people are bogus. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, it's a beautiful afternoon in Los Angeles. The sun dappling the rooftops across the way here in Thorne Manor. Thorne Manor, is that what we ended up going with? I mean, I think it's changing in part because, you know, you want to...

The changing of the seasons. The changing of the seasons and, you know... The cyclical nature of life. Just the changing of our cultural landscape. Absolutely. Sure. One minute Selena Gomez is popular, one minute no one cares about her. Yeah, absolutely.

So I think because of that and kind of related phenomena, you should change the name of your house. Also because I don't think we can remember what we called it last time. No, I certainly can't remember. That was weeks ago that I last referred to my house by an inflated name. Sure. Yeah. You know.

Let's keep it changing. Keep the audience guessing. I think they like that. Yeah, Thorn Manor, it's got some timber and some exposed beams. Sure. That's the primary qualification for a manor, right? I think so. I mean, I think like a beneath-the-sur a beneath the surface class struggle too oh it has that

absolutely ideally a manor has that do you is that going on in your house slave dogs okay dogs are enslaved to me are they plotting against you secretly though i can only presume i would be if i were in their position is the dog at all plotting to uh cause your wife a miscarriage? Let's pray our guests. I think that's one of the qualifications of a manor, right? That someone is plotting someone else's miscarriage within it. Look, I'm not an expert on lords and ladies and things like that. But I figure, yeah, probably so.

A miscarriage plot. Or worse, a pregnancy. Oh sure oh no with and with that let's introduce our guest with that allusion to secret dog babies um he's the uh he's the man behind the beloved comic strip mackeys uh and uh the television program the drink Drinky Crow Show. He is the beloved illustrator of many a high-class magazine article and low-class comic strip. His new book is called 500 Portraits. His name, Tony Millionaire. It is a pleasure to have you back in Maximum Fun Recording Studios, Tony. Thank you.

Thank you. Glad to be here. The place is fantastic. I love the building. Would you do... Are you on board with this manor? I love the little panes. I've never been here before.

I came to your studio one time, but it was a different place. Yeah, I think Koreatown maybe was the last time you were here. Tony was on The Sound of Young America once. You see, Tony is married to Sarah Thayer's sister Oh wow, there you go Although she wouldn't really like to be called Sarah Thayer's sister She'd like to be called the woman who has a sister

Named Sarah maybe Right, she doesn't define herself purely by Whose sister she is She defines herself as Becky Thayer Who has a sister named Sarah. Gotcha. I mean, it's probably just because I'm a fan, but if I was even tangentially connected to someone who was in Strangers with Candy, I would probably define my entire life by that.

But that's just me. I define my life as a person who's married to someone who was in Mr. Show. Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah. But to be fair, Jordan does define himself as Jordan who once met Sarah Thayer. Sure. So, I mean, you having the wife kind of one-ups me, I feel like. Yeah.

Although, I define myself as Jesse who has Karen Kogaroff's email address. So, you know, I mean, we all define ourselves in our own ways. I once brought her eggs when I was her TV slave. Wait, you brought her eggs? Oh yeah, totally. I used to be a... Karen Kogaroff was the head writer of the Ellen Show when I was the PA for it and I brought her eggs

several times. Karen Kogaroff of course, also a cast member of the Mr. Show television program, worked on the Mr. Show television program. But she was the head writer of Ellen at the time, right? Yes. She's working on that Rosie O'Donnell show, isn't she? She is, yeah. Jesus Christ, I have no idea who all these showbiz people are.

I'm still trying to figure out Selena Gomez. Oh, excuse me. Let me explain my brief belch there. Tony actually brought a couple of cans of Budweiser over in his jean jacket, and we're enjoying it now. The king of beers. As it says on the can. Tony, a few weeks ago when Jesse was out,

we enjoyed some Bud Light limes while we were doing the podcast. No, no, no. Whenever my daughters see the Bud Light sign, they'll scream, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Bud Light! No, I do not like Bud Light. Anybody put water in my beer. Dear. What about a little kiss of lime? You can put a little lime in it.

That's all right, as long as you don't water it down. Okay. Speaking of not knowing who various celebrities are, Tony, Selena Gomez is on the Disney Channel, I think. So I only kind of know who she is. It's possible that she's on Nickelodeon. Is she a teen? She is a teen, yes. I think so.

It's possible she's 20. Yeah. Do you think she's a tween? No, she's a teen. No, 20 is a teen. A twomp. She's a twomp. Pretty sure she's a twomp. She's a teen. She's got to be at least... No, 20 is a teen. A twomp. She's a twomp. Pretty sure she's a twomp.

She's a real twat. If she's young enough that when I see her wearing like a bikini or a little dress or something, and I say, oh my God, put your clothes on, then it's a teenager. Okay. Because I have little girls, so I do that to women who are like up to like 35 now. I'd do that to women who are like up to like 35 now. I'm working on a web show right now, and I went down yesterday to do like a little cameo in it. I went to be kind of a two-line featured player, and the costume mistress, costume lady, was 21 years old, and I made a reference to Pauly Shore, and she didn't know who Pauly Shore was.

And then I had to explain Pauly Shore to her, and nothing makes less sense than just trying to explain why Pauly Shore was funny. I'm like, oh, he was on MTV, and he said, weasin' the juice, and buddy. You know, he said it funny, like buddy. And he wore headbands. I mean, to be fair to Pauly Shore, he wasn't funny. Right, I know.

Anybody that's that universally loathed kind of gets famous through the generations. I'm surprised she doesn't know who he is. Yeah, I would have thought that maybe there would be some sort of like you know, ironic re-appreciation of Pauly Shore, but apparently in this 21-year-old circle there was not.

She had never even heard of biodome. If you had said, if you had made some passing allusion to Kubiak from Parker Lewis' Can't Lose, then I would say that's a generational thing. Sure. Sure, if you don't know, then you would have had to explain, oh, that huge guy from ER, and then she would have said, what's ER?

Okay. I don't even know what ER is. And I was kind of talking about... I know it means the emergency room, and it was a show, but that's it. I mean, that's all the information you need to know. Yeah, I don't... Oh, and that's also where George Clooney was invented. Really? I thought he was invented on Roseanne in the workroom.

That was him in a kind of a beta phase. That was a beta Clooney. But really,uny came into his he emerged from his pupa on er i'll tell you my wife has been watching a lot of rosanne lately and i do love this show uh it's a tremendous tremendous show uh but you know how they always say like uh cluny went through a thousand tv pilots before he became famous, and they sort of, it's like they're blaming the TV pilots for not making Clooney famous. Right.

Roseanne was, I think we can all agree, one of the best television programs of its era. I agree. And Clooney was terrible on it. He was awful. He had way too much hair coming out of the wrong places. What did he do? I don't even remember his character.

He smiled and he had a little dimple. Now he's using it to his advantage because it's kind of ironic. I've got a dimple, but I'm really going through a tough time with whatever his role is. Yes, I'm having a hard time despite my dimple. Despite my dimple. My dimple won't even save me now. My dimple can't even bring my wife out of this coma. Right.

Yeah, I will say, you couldn't find a bigger Clooney booster than myself. I've, I frankly, I've even turned in Denzel in consideration of various things, may have been eclipsed by a movie in which George Clooney has to assemble a gun in an Italian mountainside city. Oh, also he smelts his own bullets. Yes.

What movie is this? Oh, this is The American. Oh, God. I've never even heard of them. Oh, it's terrific. It's Clooney moping around, he makes his own guns, he smelts his own bullets, and there's lots of The American. Oh, God. I've never even heard of them. Oh, it's terrific. It's Clooney moping around. He makes his own guns. He smelts his own bullets. And there's lots of topless Italian ladies. I've got to see this.

Oh, you've got to see this. This movie is... The American is... Here's the thing about it. Number one, I don't want people to write us letters and say, The American wasn't that great of a movie. Because I'm just going to put it out there. The American is not that great of a movie. It is

a B plus movie. Sure. That's fair. Totally fair. It is not an amazing film in terms of the quality of the film. It's one of those movies you talk about on shows like this. Yes. Right. Exactly. Yeah. We're not talking about Citizen Kane here on Jordan J. Seacrest. We could go on and on about

The Graduate, but what would we have to add to the discourse? Nothing. Or Animal House. Sure, absolutely. We have a lot to talk about about The American. I want to address this film, The American. So it is a B+. It is well executed. Sure. And, you know, it's a genre film. Those Italian ladies sure are topless, aren't they? But here's the thing about The American. This is the kind of movie it is number one george clooney is essentially on camera the entire time he says 250 words over the

course of the film um most of the rest of the of the film is silent and or in two or three sentence exchanges of heavily accented English. It doesn't need a dialogue. It doesn't need dialogue. It has beautiful vistas of mountainside Italian cities and the mountains on topless Italian women. Sure. Boob mountains. Boob mountains. Well, if he's smelting his own bullets, these must be some

kind of muskets or something. So, this is the thing. He is some sort of highly trained assassin who has to go in for one last job. This is like an art house assassin movie. There's no gross parts.

There's no super upsetting parts. It is beautiful the entire way through. George Clooney is fucking amazing. There's a lot of nudity. And there's a couple of broad ethnic stereotypes that are not played for laughs. And so you're like, whoa, is it okay to play a broad ethnic stereotype seriously in a serious art film? What is it, like an old man carrying a bucket?

It's kind of, I would say, it's a movie, it's a lot like, it's a lot like Drive without that annoying soundtrack is how I would describe it. Well, I don't know what Drive is. Drive was, number one, it's not semi-ironic like drive. It's not self-conscious like drive.

It is a genuine genre exercise, not a self-conscious. And I enjoyed drive. I'm not putting down drive. Yeah, me too. But it's not... The music just made me feel like I was at some gays-only opium den. I liked it too. But it's not... The music just made me feel like I was at some gays-only opium den.

I liked it too. Oh, and I also didn't like how Christina Hendricks was in danger. I don't think she should ever be in danger. I think she should be in like... The nude. In the nude, but on something made of velvet at all times. But here's the thing. Something made of velvet at all times.

But here's the thing. Like, I would like... I enjoy... I enjoy... I enjoy action films. Oh, wait. Can I change my analogy from the music from Drive was like a gaze-only opium den to the music in Drive made me feel like I was inside a clove cigarette? I think that's funnier.

Didn't opium, like, Get rid of the boner? I mean I'm thinking of like the 1920s Hallucinogen It would be gay only opium But it would be just a bunch of dudes sitting around Does opium kill boners? It kind of makes you not want to really care Oh I didn't know that

I thought maybe opium assisted with fucking I'm talking about heroin But maybe I'm assuming the same with opium. No, it makes you kind of like, why should I fuck? I'm having a great time just sitting here. Oh, huh. Well, I didn't know that. So you could be gay and talk about gay things. Well, you've got to think of a

downer fuck drug. It wouldn't be a big fuck fest. Yeah, yeah. So maybe that's threatening to you. Yeah, just kind of a nice... The music in Drive... Well, I'm going to go with the clove cigarette thing. I mean, we can sit here and that's threatening to you. Yeah, just kind of a nice... The music in Drive... I'm going to go with the clove cigarette thing. I mean, we can sit here and debate this opium thing, but yeah. Frankly, the music in Drive made me feel like I was inside the Michael Mann film Thief,

as did all the rest of the movie Drive. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't ask in the beginning. Am I allowed to use F words? Yes. Oh, sure. Please do. Yeah.

So anyway, back to... I said fuckfest. I didn't know if I? Yes. Oh, sure. Please do. Yeah. So anyway, back to... I said fuckfest. I didn't know if I was okay. Oh, fuckfest is great. Back to the American... That'll be the title of the episode when it comes out. Fuckfest. Gay opium fuckfest.

Yeah. Back to the American. This was, in many ways, a flawed film. But I loved it. And I would go see that movie five times a year. Not that actual movie, but a movie of that type five times a year not that not that actual movie but a movie of that type five times a year where it has to star cluny i mean there's a really limited number of people that it could start i'm having a hard time thinking of anybody i mean marky mark if he's

used correctly but there's a big i mean there's a big range of possible mistakes you could make with marky mark sure i mean I mean, Marky Mark. Marky Mark is great in that porno thing. What was it called again? Oh, Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights, sure. Marky Mark, when you get it right with Marky Mark, he's as good as it gets. But you can get it wrong, and then you're fucked. Yeah.

You know? They usually get it wrong. They do usually get it wrong. Yeah. He should be either, yeah. That Boston movie drove me out of my mind. Bill Monaghan is a friend of mine that wrote that script, and I was like, wow, man, he's

made it. Look at this. Is this The Fighter? No, no, no. That was even worse. Oh, I like The Fighter. Everyone really loved The Boston Police. Oh, sure. The Departed. The Departed. Marky Mark had a great Boston accent in it.

I'm from Boston, so I know what a Boston accent sounds like. And then you have guys like, see, here's why I'm just awful at talking about things like this, because I don't remember anybody's names. That's okay. What's the name of the actor who has six brothers, and he's an actor, too, and he's super famous, and he does an ad for a credit card now where they're walking around in a restaurant and he plays himself twice

oh gosh I don't know you know Eric Baldwin oh Alec Baldwin Alec Baldwin yeah yeah so Alec Baldwin Eric Baldwin

he's trying to go Eric Balfour whatever one the good one the famous one the good Baldwin yeah and he's trying to

do Boston accent and he's trying whoa dropping his R where he's not supposed to. It's totally absurd. Did you see Juliette Moore when she was on 30 Rock? Although, I'm going to backtrack and tell you that Marky Mark was pretty good in it.

Well, Marky Mark is actually... Because he's from Boston, so he's from Boston. Yeah. That's why I should be cast in a remake of Vertigo, because I do such a good San Francisco accent. I wonder what that sounds like. Do you know? It's like, hey, I gotta take the 49 Van Ness Mission.

It's like that. That sounds like New York. A lot of people can't do that, though. Like, hey, I gotta go downtown. I'm gonna take the 14. I'm gonna take the 24. Hey, I'm gonna take my Fastpass. Hop on the 24 Divisadero. I'm gonna go to a store that has Tibetan prayer flags as decorations.

I'm going to walk all the way across that big, giant golden bridge. That's good. Oh, your San Francisco is good. It's red. No, you do a pretty good cast. That was convincing. You're castable. What do you think has been the best Boston accent on film that you've seen?

Because, yeah, I feel like every time I see it, it's kind of a jokey sketch comedy version of a Boston accent. But what do you think has been the best? I'll have to think about that and come back to it. Okay. We'll table that. Can we talk about flashy nudity movies? My favorite fake accent or East Coast accent ever done was Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York. Because he studied and researched what would an accent sound like if they still had a little bit of a British accent because they're British subjects still kind of.

Yeah, yeah. It comes from that. But then this kind of New York, but kind of talking like this. And sort of like before the Three Stooges had that toy-de-toy-de-toy-de. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. The beginnings of that toy-de. Sure.

And he just did such a great job on making up an accent. You're a pre-toy. So it was totally believable. Yeah, absolutely. No, and I think that's a great example of just the most watchable B-plus movie in the world. Like, you know, there's so a lot wrong with it, but it's just so fun and watchable. I'm so crazy about that movie. It's one of those movies where there are some elements in it that, like Cameron Diaz, that just totally wreck it.

And then everything else of it is great. So it's not the whole picture as a whole. It's just some parts of it. And then that ridiculous Civil War fighting thing in the end. You're in a street corner and there's a bunch of cannonballs coming over. What? It's great. And yeah, it's totally... Oh, and the... Oh, God, it has one of my favorite

scenes of all time. It's like, I will forgive any... So I'll say, you know say Cameron Diaz in that movie is a mistake. Leonardo DiCaprio is acting kind of weird and distracting. Yeah, he wasn't that bad, but he was not very good. But yeah, there's Daniel Day-Lewis, and then there's a scene where they get guys drunk and take them around town to vote. Yeah. Which is like to a music montage, to like Irish penny whistle music. They're taking drunks around to vote more like in

a voting fraud scam but once you get a haircut vote again right yeah exactly and um and yeah i think those are those are those are a few things that can be in a movie that'll turn a b plus into a rewatch for me a montage definitely a couple of voting a voting fraud montage set to the chieftains is your qualification. Yeah. If anyone knows of any other movies where that happens, let me know. So far, Gangs of New York is the only one I've seen. I was thinking about what kind of movie I would enjoy.

Actually, I was on the streets of Milan, Italy, talking with Put This On director Ben Harrison about what kind of movie I will watch, even if it's a B-minus. and about what kind of movie I will watch even if it's a B- because I usually, one of my failures as a human being is that I tend to have a disproportionately negative reaction to a not that bad piece of culture. Like I really don't get a lot out of a C-plus movie. Like a lot of people just like to watch a stupid movie on TV and I'll be like, ah, fuck this and go do something else.

But something where I will actually watch a sort of not that great movie is a heist movie. I will watch a movie where a plane comes together and a submarine movie. A movie about a submarine, I don't know why that's so compelling to

me, but I watched U-571, which I think is the very definition of a B-movie, and I just enjoyed the shit out of it. Was it Pliny Swinney in that one or somebody like that? I don't remember. Honestly, I don't even remember what happened except that there were submarines. I was in Germany one time. I was watching Netflix Instant last night, and I thought very seriously about re-watching The Hunt for Red October. Sorry, you were in Germany one time.

I was in Germany, and I was visiting this girl's, my girlfriend's father, and I was visiting their family, and the dad was sitting there. They were watching Das Boot. Yeah, which is awesome. In German, the original German, of course.

And he was so used to movies being dubbed into German. Halfway through it, he said, wait a minute. Is this movie originally in German? Yes, Grandpa, it is. Yeah, and I think that's something like, that concept is something that we can all, like, we should all take into account for empathy is that like everybody in the world has has those things that they will like even if they recognize its failings like everyone has those things that they're just suckers for and like yeah if you wonder why some like you know like why someone

would watch a reality cooking show it's like oh, oh, no, that just, like, you know, that just ticks one of their, like, aesthetic boxes that they need ticked for some reason. Anyway. Yeah. For me, it's, you get submarines. Yep. And heist movies. Sure. And classy nudity.

Exactly. But, like, a tense assassin. There's three reasons to, I've always, I used to say this before, I don't care. There was three reasons there's three reasons to move I've always I used to say this before I don't care there was three reasons to watch a movie one it's a good movie sure

two there's a lot of classy boobs in it right three it's got great special effects so Jurassic Park for instance I want to see the running around real dinosaurs sure

right I took my dog to see it he said I didn't smell anything didn't smell real to me that's just a joke that I it's a great joke it He said I didn't smell anything That's just a joke It's a great joke That's from Iraq That's from Iraq

But those are basically the three And if you take There's a movie that has Jurassic Park for instance Which is just fucking stupid If you take the dinosaurs out of it And just make a clip of only the dinosaurs Oh that used to be my dream Take the clips from all the Star Wars movies Where it and just made a clip of only the dinosaurs, oh, they used to be my dream. Take the clips from all the Star Wars movies where it's just the action and the fighting, all the dinosaurs, and put them all together.

And then I was in a bar in Italy, and suddenly on the wall, there was that movie. They had taken clips because it's Italy. They don't give a shit about piracy. Wow. So they were clipping out all the special effects parts. All the special effects from all the best fighting dinosaurs, fighting robots. Those Italians. They do it right. I thought of another kind of movie. Jackie Chan.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll watch Jackie Chan do any fucking thing. That guy's the greatest. I do like Jackie Chan. That guy's tremendous. Oh, no, he's got a bucket stuck on his foot. Look out, Jackie Chan. I'm guessing he'll use that to

his advantage in the fight. Just makes his kicks more powerful. That rule's not going to slow him down. Speeds him up. Sometimes I'm watching these movies on Netflix, I'll watch a Jackie Chan movie, and I don't, for some reason, some of these Jackie Chan movies

that he made in Hong Kong, like 15 or 20 minutes will go by where nothing, no Jackie Chan stuff happens. there next to him, at least something would be going on in the 20 minutes that he's not doing a getting a bucket stuck on his foot or on his head or he's getting a bucket stuck on his foot and then he kicks it up into the air and it lands on a bad guy's head and then he punches the bad guy in the bucket. Sure. Or towel fight. Because if there's anything that Chris Tucker can do, it's fill time. Wait, who's Chris Tucker? He's it's filled time. Wait, wait. Who's Chris Tucker?

He's a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador. Who once starred in movies where he told Jackie Chan not to touch his radio. Can we talk briefly about Chris Tucker? Sure. I don't have much to say on the subject. I've actually never seen a Rush Hour movie. Oh, really? I've only seen him a Rush Hour movie. Oh, really? I've only seen him in The Fifth Element.

Okay, well, I can recommend the movie Rush Hour. Then I'll know who he was. Watch that movie so I can look at Mika Lebedevich's strap fall off. Oh, yeah, absolutely. What character is he? That's the best pronunciation of Mika Lebedevich I've ever heard, by the way. I'm going to adopt that. I've been hard of hearing for a long time, so I learned.

If you don't know someone's name, just say Mikula Buttovich. And it works. Chris Tucker was like the fast-talking radio host who spoke into that wand. Okay. Yeah. And whose sexuality was ambiguous. I know who he is. He had great costumes with roses on the collars.

He had very good costumes. Rush Hour number one is a lot of fun. Oh, Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. Okay, I'll get it. It's no, look, it's no Shanghai Noon. Shanghai Noon is the gold standard. Don't hold it to that impossible standard. Having a guy talk to Jackie Chan

in between the parts where Jackie Chan does something amazing. Shanghai Noon is tremendous. Shanghai Moon is basically as much fun as you could have watching a movie. That's the Budweiser. Rush Hour is pretty fun. I mean, there's parts in it where you're just like, hey, guy who directed Rush Hour, you're a terrible fucking person.

Fuck you. Do you think you would have come to that conclusion you're just like hey guy who directed rush hour you're a terrible fucking person fuck you do you think you would have come to that conclusion if you didn't already know that brett ratner was a terrible person does that shine through in the film it does it does i guess i guess when i think about brett ratner movies like they are defined by their middle of the road in this but then you hear all these stories about him saying, like, rehearsal is for fags. And then you, like... No, it's... Yeah, yeah. It's the... Well, you would assume that he is a sort of...

He's like, what if Michael Bay thought he was funny? Sure. Michael Bay does think he's funny, by the way. I don't know if you've ever seen a Transformers movie. I have not. Between the time that the Transformers are fucking each other up, oh, they're wacky comedies. Oh, I have not seen any Transformers movies. I've only seen the one,

and it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I really just hate it. Oh, I saw one. I know what I was talking about, because it fit into one of my categories. Oh, yeah, sure. Crazy. Yeah, sure.

I don't care if the acting is stupid. Even the robots were acting like idiots. It didn't matter. They folded. Yeah, they did fold. It's true. Yeah, I don't know. For some reason, and I usually just like a special effects extravaganza too,

but for whatever reason, the Transformers movie's bad comedy just offended me to my core. It was pretty nasty. It was awful. It was hard to watch them fold even when they were folding and they were saying, Yeah, and then they stepped in dog poop. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. For whatever reason, and then they stepped in dog poop. Yeah. Um, yeah, I don't know.

For whatever reason, I just couldn't let that go. Like it wasn't, it, the special effects did not cancel out the bad comedy for me in that, in that situation. Here's my Chris Tucker question. So Chris Tucker made the movie rush hour.

It was a monumental success. So he got $20 million or whatever to make rush hour two. And then he got like $30 million to make Rush Hour 3. And since Rush Hour 2, I think maybe he made one movie between Rush Hour 1 and Rush Hour 2. He's not made any movies in between. Are these movies about driving around or something? Yeah, pretty much. I've never even heard of Rush Hour.

I think it's just an arbitrary title. Just like, yeah, this title uh you know there was a sense of urgency at the end of traffic jam they were i don't know are they they were disappointed that there was already a movie named action friends okay um i mean it's it's like uh remember on 30 rock when there was uh when tracy was in that movie called Black Cop, White Cop. That's pretty much the movie that this is. But it's Jackie Chan, and he's amazing,

and Chris Tucker is charming in a Jackie Chan context. Oh, so Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3. Yeah. Shooting and kicking and fighting. Rush Hour 2 was, I don't know if I saw Rush Hour 3. I don't think I did.

Rush Hour 2 was pretty disappointing. I mean, you'll be shocked to hear it was if I saw Rush Hour 3. I don't think I did. Rush Hour 2 was pretty disappointing. I mean, you'll be shocked to hear it was disappointing compared to Rush Hour 1. My wife rented a Jackie Chan movie and you'll tell me the name of it. We showed it to our girls and they were really scared of it. Our girls were 8 and 10 and they're not really afraid of anything.

But somehow, when the fake punks came out, the gang came out and they were like a white guy with a stupid mohawk. Oh, was this Rumble in the Bronx? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That also has a scary hovercraft sequence. We didn't get that far.

We got as far as him pulling out a switchblade and going, yeah, I'm going to cut you up, man. What do you think you are? You know, this stupid cheesy, that's a gang? Yeah. That looks like Haircut 500 with their special jackets on. Yeah, no, that movie like really, that movie I think

was made in the mid-90s or the early 90s, Rumble in the Bronx, but it really like... Really? Yeah, I think... Mid-90s. It looked very early,

it looked very late 80s. Yeah. No, it's like 1990. I remember going to see it in high school. Yeah. They're trying to reach back to what they thought a punk gang would look like. Yeah. No, it's like 1990. I remember going to see it in high school. Yeah. Trying to reach back to what they thought a punk gang would look like. Yeah, exactly.

All the punks looked like they were transported out of an 80s movie. Like the 80s had all those like, you know, quintessential pink mohawk, leather jacket, nose ring punks. And they all just came, you know, whoever they used in the 80s just came to be in Rumble in the Bronx. I think that's sort of how Chinese people feel when they see a movie that American people make about Chinese people. It could be that that's what people feel when they see a gang of teenagers. I mean, I remember my dad's wife came to visit us.

I keep going back to Europe, but I spent a lot of time in Europe in the olden days. And we met one time in Switzerland. And there was some guy with a giant blue mohawk and a weird stupid plastic coat with rings all over it. And she said, should we walk on the other side of the street? I said, no, not from him. See all that violent stuff he's wearing?

That's as far as it goes with the violence on this guy. He's done it. He's not going to stab you now. See the guy on the other side that's just wearing like a grayish coat? Don't walk over near him. I like the idea of roving gangs of punk rockers. Yeah, right.

Yeah, because I think now, like nowadays, like if someone did have like eccentric colored hair and like, that's a nerd basically now, you know? And I probably was even back then too. I mean, I guess maybe like, you know. It was. All even back then, too. I mean, I guess maybe, like, you know. It was. All the violence was in the style. Yeah, yeah.

Or, I don't know, maybe if you were at, like, one of the first Black Flag concerts or something, like, that was kind of dangerous. But yeah, I mean, I think that it's so funny that... Yeah, surf punks might have been a little bit more... But the thing is, my little girls, when they saw that gang, they were like, they were scared. Oh, funny, huh? They don't know what a real gang is. They go to school with gangs. That's like being... Rohan? Yeah. No, they were scared. They don't know what a real gang is. They go to school with gangs.

That's like being Rohan. No, he's cool. They're just oblivious to... Yeah. They don't know what Rohan's brother has in store up in his attic. Well, if you would have sat to the end of that movie, there's a really funny scene

where a hovercraft runs over a guy and then you can see his butt. Because he got run over. I remember in high school just like dying at that like ah genius because you know why though because the shit is hilarious yeah sure jackie jen movies are rad they did they did in road warrior the first one every time that stupid fucking jackie chan shit happens and he'd kicks someone's pants down or something, I think it's fucking hilarious. Sure. It's like one of the funniest things. They're going on a motorcycle over a tent in Road Warrior and the tent went off and there was two people in there and one of them, their butt was sticking out.

Great. Great. Some comedy. They're not cutting some fingers off right now. So is that one of, is that, would you say that's one of your boxes that you can tick for enjoying a movie if an accident happens that exposes a butt? No, no, no. Okay. It might be for me.

It's not a special effect. It's not a good movie. It's not tits. But fair enough. Fair enough. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne

America's Radio Sweetheart Jordan Morris Boy Detective And You have to say my name You're the host No you have to say it I'm a co-host

I'm Tony Millionaire We already said it one time I'm the famous cartoonist Tony Millionaire Tony Millionaire By the way The it one time. I'm the famous cartoonist Tony Millionaire. Tony Millionaire, by the way, the author of the new book, 500 Portraits. I'm author slash artist of the new book. Are you still the author if it's a book of portraits? I'm the author because if you read it, there's a very interesting and funny story in there.

There's some anecdotes. The theme is basically about how I consider 85% of all people, no matter where you go, to be bogus. Now, I use the word bogus because I'm from the generation where when you said bogus, it meant something awful. And then came King Bill's Great Adventure, and bogus became something like... Sure. So bogus is what happens when Billy the Kid and Genghis Khan are being chased through the mall and they wander out onto the ice rink and slip and fall. Right.

Bogus. Yeah. Where I came from, that bogus has been something that was... It actually meant counterfeit marijuana is what it started as. Really? Oh, I didn't know that. If you had marijuana that was made out of some bullshit somebody found in his backyard mixed with a little bit of mint leaves and you bought it and you're like, this is bogus.

That's what it came from. That's good. What a neat fact. Everything is bogus. What a neat fact. Yeah. So my brother Lenny, even now, called me up with the phone. Instead of saying, oh, he just said, Tone, you're bogus.

In fact, he said that about my first wife. Want to hear the story? Was he right? Oh, yes. I would Want to hear the story? Was he right? Oh, yes. I would like to hear the story. Okay, when I was in Germany, back to Europe again, when I first got there, I had no money. I ran out of money real fast.

So I put an ad in the paper that said, American student of art will do anything for money. So I got a lot of calls for back rubs and whatever, from men that wanted me to come over and help them relax. Because they just assumed that student of to come over and help them relax. Sure. Because they just assumed that student of art was code for homosexual. Right. Well, if they just figured we'll do absolutely anything for money, it meant you will do absolutely

anything. Yeah. It wasn't really true. But I was just like trying to cast a broad net. Yeah, sure. So I got this woman who was Turkish who wanted to be married so that she could get a green card and she could go to America because she wanted to be a filmmaker. And in Turkey or in Berlin, she was not,

she really didn't have many rights as a woman. As a woman in Turkey and as a German in Germany. So, because Turks are not considered, they're treated badly in Germany. They're like, you know, the last, the lower class of people. There's a lot of Turks in Germany, in Berlin badly in Germany. They're like the lower class of people. There's a lot of Turks in Berlin, in Germany. So anyway, so we got married, and my wife looked like Alice from the Brady Bunch, but was much less funny.

Alice was very funny. But tried to be funny. Yeah, yeah. And so my brother Lenny came for a visit, and he said, I said, Lenny, this is my wife, Niloufer. And Niloufer turned to him and said, oh, Lenny, you will be the uncle of our children, and they will all call you Uncle Lenny. And Lenny turned to me and he said, Tone, your wife is bogus. And he turned around, walked across the street, went to a bar.

She's just standing there. She says, what is bogus? I said, bogus means it's like a slang term for kind of like simpatico, like kind of cool,

you know? Oh, nice. Okay. So you're covered for it. Yeah. Well, she's so stupid she believed me. Stupid Turks.

Yeah. Is that the whole of the story? Did I interpret that correctly? I wouldn't say stupid Turks. Watch it. There's a lot of very intelligent Turkish people. Yeah.

That's true. But Niloufer Arpat was not one of them. I don't actually think that Turks are stupid. Three years later, I got a divorce in the mail with no letter.

I think that Armenians are stupid. Wait a minute. No. I'm not taking sides in the ethnic conflict between Turks and Armenians. But if anyone,

if there's any Turkish men who would like to hot oil wrestle me. Absolutely anything for $1,000. I am at 1242. That is the genuine theme of the anecdotes in this book. They're often anecdotes about your travels in Europe. They're typically anecdotes about you trying to determine the exact percentage of humanity that is bogus. Right.

In fact, you even manage at one point you include in the in the portraits of people that you have in here a series of animal portraits. You have reflections on the animal portraits into a commentary on whether or not animal portrait reflections can be allowed to be about what percentage of humanity is bogus. Yeah, I kind of figured out how that went. I did find one group of people that was 100% not bogus at all, which is my own family. I mean, my own immediate family. There's plenty of members of my extended family. They're quite bogus at all, which is my own family. I mean, my own immediate family. There's plenty of members of my extended family. They're quite bogus. But my own

wife and two kids, they're fantastic. Like 100% great. Oh, that's great. Yeah, you would hate to have to live with a bogus. Yeah, there's usually one bogus, even in a group of four. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you beat the odds. Yeah, I did. I mean, yeah. At least one in four people is bogus. Even the dog is totally cool. Oh, great. Oh, man man nothing worse than a bogus dog but when i went to italy i got in the

i was getting on the bus and these women kept all these especially these like fat older women they were like pushing me out of the way trying to crowd on the bus i'm like i'm standing here hey everybody how about getting in the line and they were like not even paying attention to me like whatever they're just getting on the bus. They don't get out of the way. You know what I mean? So then I just realized, wait a minute. It's not that they're Italian.

It's that 85% of them are doing this. 15% of them are not crowding on the bus. So there you go. Bogus. Bogus. I enjoyed reading the story of how you learned that people in your squat in Berlin were bogus, who you had previously believed to not be bogus because they all seemed like they were being so nice to you. Yeah, it turned out they were not really that nice. What's a squat?

A squatted house is a house that was empty for a long time and then was taken over by hipsters and hippies and punks and reclaimed by the people. By ze people. And this happened, of course, a lot in England and Germany and other countries, but in America, if you did it, as my friend Mark Stewart, who's famous now

as part of the band called The Negro Problem and also recently he calls himself Stew. You ever heard of Stew? Just won a Tony for some play he did. Oh, he calls himself Stu. You ever heard of Stu? I mean... Just went to Tony for some play he did. Oh, I didn't know. Anyway, he was a black guy, so he could say things like this.

He said, if you did that in New York, suddenly there'd be a fat Jewish man out front going, What? And you wouldn't be squatting in the house anymore. So it was a place you could go to, and if you knew somebody there, you'd get a room, and you could say there was a guest, and after a certain amount of time, they'd either kick you out or not. And I didn't know what they were talking about. I thought they were all palsy, but they were not.

And one time there was a big meeting, and they said, and I realized after a while they were kind of talking about me. Because they were speaking a language that you didn't speak very well. I didn't realize that everybody, most people in Germany speak German. And they do it all the time. It's true. I thought it was like something you do at Christmas. You thought it was like 50-50 at best.

I didn't know that. Yeah, I thought they usually speak English. And then, you know, when they want to be old-fashioned, they speak German. But no, they don't. When you're at a Steinhoist You want to speak German But other than that, there's basically no reason to Parents weekend, everybody speaks German, of course Well, like in Ireland

Do people speak Gaelic all the time? No, they speak Irish They speak Irish sometimes When do they speak Gaelic? Mostly when the chieftains are playing And they're going from polling place to polling place Drinking and voting Exactly, exactly.

Cutting their haircuts, they can vote twice. You know that's how Edgar Allan Poe died? Yes, I actually did know that that's how Edgar Allan Poe died. He died from, like, he got too drug when he was in the middle of a drug voting scam. And that's great. Anyway, go on. You were saying about this. So then all of a sudden this girl turns to me and says,

Tony, the people of the plenum would like to know, the plenum is the weekly meeting. Yeah. If you would know, what day does the trash go out on the street? I was like, oh, I had no idea. I said, Wednesday? Just shot in the dark. And they all started fiercely arguing, like, look, and pointing at me.

And then about 20 minutes later they said, I'm sorry, we decided you have to go. What? Because I was not, like, you know, a part of the group. Yeah, sure, you weren't doing trash duty. You were neglecting un chore, un zee chore wheel. I was not aware of zee chore wheel. I did what they told me, but it wasn't like I was really contributing. Yeah.

I was obviously there for a free place, which I was. Where did you go after that? Where did you, once kicked out of the squatter's paradise? I went over to the punk squad. That was easy. All you had to do was stay away from the dog shit on the stairway, and you were fine. Oh, nice. And they robbed me a couple of times, but I didn't care.

I mean, they were real punks. So you were just doing some squat hopping. I squat hopped a lot. Okay. It was cheap. At one point, if I remember this correctly from when you were on The Sound of Young America, you found a career doing door-to-door architectural drawing? You can call it architectural drawing if you'd like.

Basically, it was a picture of somebody's house on a card. I started in college, or even before college, when I just didn't have any money and I hated washing dishes. And one day I went to the library, drew a picture of a house, carried it around out to the eastern point in Gloucester, in Manchester, where the big mansions are, and I just started knocking on doors. And the second house I knocked on, I said, do you want a drawing of your house?

And held up my drawing. And they said, yeah. How much? Who wouldn't? So I started. So that's want a drawing of your house? And held up my drawing. And they said, yeah. How much? Who wouldn't? So I started. So that's what a drawing is. $25. I did it.

And I was like, well, great. Now I have a... In those days, that was a day's work. Wouldn't you like a drawing of your wife naked? Yes, I would. And I held up a drawing of his wife naked. Yeah. Yeah.

This guy actually did hire me to draw his wife. Not naked, but that didn't work very well. Provocatively, yeah. No, it was just a portrait, but it was a portrait with the horse. I mean,

when I started out doing it with 25 bucks, I just kept raising the prices and I realized the higher the prices went, the more they wanted them. They're like, I don't want a $25 drawing

of a house. I want a $200 drawing. Right. You know, but after a while. Oh, a $200 one's better. Yeah, but it was all seasonal. It only worked

just before Christmas and during the summer. Springtime, after a while. Oh, 200 ones, better. Yeah, but it was all seasonal. It only worked like just before Christmas and during the summer. Springtime was good, too. But in wintertime, forget it. You're walking around in a blizzard saying you want to draw your house and people are just slamming their doors. What the fuck? There's a crazy person out there. Drawing houses? Yeah, drawing a snowbank.

Wait, so here's my... Let me interrupt you just for a second. He hired me to draw his wife next to their horse, but I was like, a portrait of a beautiful woman is really hard. A portrait of a dude is okay, because you can just draw big lumpy noses and stuff, and then everybody's goofy looking. Yeah, that's what dudes are like.

Yeah, an ugly woman with a big scrawny neck and a hooked nose, and you're, hey, it looks just like me. But her, it was impossible. So I drew the horse five times in charcoal. I had to do charcoal because portrait was really, I mean, this was before I knew how to do portraits. What I do now is take photographs and go home and do it carefully. But so then I drew this woman and I drew it four times. And each time it looked more and more horrifying.

It looked like, what's the name of that reporter that married Casper Weinberger? I don't know. You know, the one that's on CNN. Wolf Blitzer. No, Wolf Blitzer's great. It looked like Wolf Blitzer. I'm horrified every time I see Wolf Blitzer. I'm pretty sure.

I have to turn away. You're saying it looked like Wolf Blitzer, right? Yeah. So it looked more and more like Wolf Blitzer. I'm pretty sure. I have to turn away. You're saying it looked like Wolf Blitzer, right? Yeah. So it looked more and more like Wolf Blitzer the further I went. Finally, I just sort of get it. I gave him the lat. He goes, all right, I'll pay you. I don't care.

I'll just pay you for the moment, just the horse. Oh, wow. I just couldn't do it. So how did you, I mean, I know I've seen your portraits in The Believer. I know you make portraits for The Believer. I know you make portraits for The Believer. Yeah. So how are you making these? Are you making these from life?

Are you making them from photographs? Are you having people sit for you and then making them from photographs? Yeah. All the famous writers and artists all across the world, they fly me out to Germany, New York, San Francisco. Why do you think a believer has all this money? I go to Google search. Are you kidding me?

I go to Google image search and get down pictures of people, and then I just look at the photograph. I mean, but the thing is I try to find candid photographs, though I have been sued. Really? I used a famous rock photographer's photograph once i can't mention who it was or who i drew because there's a gag order on it oh boy but it was i was sued for five million dollars i'll say that of course the number was much lower and i didn't have to pay it

because it wasn't my mistake but i was given a photograph and i drew it there and it turned out to be a famous photographer's look. Look, I'll say it. The photographer was Ansel Adams and the rock star was Half Dome. Half Dome, the mountain you mean? Yes. Oh no, he's probably Ansel Adams' famous... The mountain named Half Dome?

It's probably Ansel Adams' famous portraits of Creed. Right? Didn't he also do a bunch of Creed? Creedence. Yeah of Creed. Right? Didn't he also do a bunch of Creed? Creedence. Creed. Is Creed still a good comedy target or is that played out? If you wanted to make fun of Creed, is that

just beating the dead horse? I think it's done. I'm not very socially aware so I don't really know what Creed is. Is it a band? Creed is a band. They were very popular in the mid-90s. They sounded like Pearl Jam but with real dumb songs that were

vaguely religious. They didn't come out and say, except Jesus, but you kind of knew that's what the deal was. Jesus would be cool. Here's the problem. You want to make fun of a rock and roll thing but no one likes rock and roll music anymore. And so there's no thing to make fun of anymore.

Sure. Striper. You can take some shots at Striper. Everyone's in agreement on that. When I watch, sometimes I'll watch the David Letterman show or I'll watch the Conan O'Brien show. And the music acts on those are almost always rock acts. I mean, 75, 80% of the time. Sure.

And, um, you know, sometimes it'll be, I don't know, Paul Simon or something. Someone that was famous back when musicians were famous, famous, when a musician was famous to all kinds of people. You know what I mean? That's not the case anymore? No, not at all. I don't know. I listen to whatever my wife puts in the car.

I think musicians can still make very successful careers, but there's only like four famous musicians anymore. And they're all Lady Gaga in different outfits. And Cher. Cher. Yeah. So, I mean, there hasn't been, there basically hasn't been a successful rock act since what? Linkin Park? Yeah.

Well, I mean, I was going to say Radiohead. I mean, nobody that's still actively touring. That's still something. Yeah. That was 20 years ago now. What do they do now? Don't they tour? They tour.

Yeah. Who? Radiohead. No, I mean, but what do they do now? Don't they tour? They tour. Yeah. Who? Radiohead. No, I mean, but what do people... Yeah, so I mean, there's plenty of... There's tons of mid-level bands. There's tons of bands that are famous to people that like that band. There's plenty of

people making money from music. It's not a collapse of the music industry. It's just that the top level is gone. And so that that the top level is gone. And that is the bands that used to perform on late night television. And this is doubly... Oh, so there used to be 50 bands and now there's 450. And this is doubly and perhaps triply true of rock music. Because rock's share of that has gone from 50% or whatever it was 15 years ago, 20 years ago, 25 years ago, it was 70% or whatever, to 5% or 10%.

You know, country music and hip hop are 60% of the records being sold, 75% of the records being sold, and rock is 15% or something. I thought Selena Gomez was the big rock star Oh she's huge She actually OD'd in a hotel room this weekend So that's gone That was the pretty one That went into the drugs right Oh wait sorry

Somebody did OD this weekend I was just making a general OD joke That was not a specific OD joke. I apologize. Too soon. Too soon. Too soon. It's only been six hours, I think.

I'm sorry. I'm such a ghoul. I should have done that on Twitter where that's okay. What I enjoy about watching these shows and their picks is that they are clinging so enthusiastically to the idea that people still like rock music. Well, I think that maybe there's also an element to it of just a rock band is fun to watch on TV. You know, like, you can have four people that work on those shows. Sure.

Well, I mean, would you say that having having a just a pop singer up there is my guess if they have a big they have dancers get dancers and stuff like that okay yeah maybe that's yes i think it is sure i mean more so than one of these one of these indie rock bands and look this is not an indictment of indie rock sure which is a genre of music that i mean i was going to say that i enjoy i Frankly, I don't. But relative to other genres of music that I, you know, relative to pop music, certainly I enjoy it, you know. My wife puts on an Avid Brothers CD or whatever. I'm fine with listening to that.

It doesn't bother me. You know? Yeah, I've actually got to the point where it bothers me. I don't know who the person you're referring to is at all but i do know that when the music goes on i'm like you know what i can't hear anybody telling jokes i want to hear like have conversations with like my kids or the neighbors or whatever and then there's somebody going loud out and then one day we went to the river yeah who cares shut cares? Shut up. Yeah. I can't hear all the jokes. You're having many breaks. Why don't you pause for a second with the singing?

Sure. So we can make a joke and then pick it up again later. But there, but, you know, so I, I mean, God bless those people. But when, but this, this like third tier rock and roll act that goes on these shows. Yeah. It's a little sad to me. Yeah. No, I guess your mopeiest indie rock band is as unfun to watch as your mopeiest boring acoustic guitar lady or whatever. Yeah.

And those people don't go on television. I saw Boney Bear singing the other day, and I was very happy. Everybody said, Boney Bear? You know who I'm talking about? Yeah, sure. I say Bon Iver, but... Whatever. But that's just because

I like to pronounce it wrong. See, I... Being hard of hearing, I never remember people's names. You know, I willfully mispronounce Bon Iver at this point just to be...

just to rattle cages. Yeah. It doesn't rattle very many cages because there's so many bands. That's my Occupy Wall Street is mispronouncing Bon Iver. There's so many bands and nobody cares anyway. Yeah. Oh, listen, I very many cages because there's so many bands. That's my Occupy Wall Street is mispronouncing Bon Iver. There's so many bands and nobody cares anyway.

Yeah. Oh, listen, I'm making a weird sound while I drink water. No, that is weird. That's interesting. I really didn't know anything about the new collapse of the rock band. I just, I, that's all I have to say about it. You could just book a rapper sometimes. That's all.

I guess i just like rap music and i just feel like this is about that they don't 10 years ago book bands that people actually do want to hear like bony there well i mean they don't they barely even look i don't enjoy bear does now and then i don't enjoy i don't enjoy well people don't like bony there i mean people like bony there people that listen to this program like Bon Iver. Sure. My wife likes Bon Iver. But people...

Is no one on board with saying Bon Iver, Camille? Can anybody back me up on this? Okay, Bon, I'm on board for this Bon Iver thing. I'm in. Count me in. Fine. Great. We're an army of two.

Look, people... Three. I'm with you. Are you? Okay. Oh, great. Thank you. I just call him Bon.

Yeah. You know, what do people like? Let's make a list of the rock bands that people like. Vampire Weekend. There. Done. Oh, I think people don't like Vampire Weekend anymore. Florence the Machine.

Sure. That's it. I think Florence the Machine is more... I think she's just a lady. I don't think the Machine is a band. But that's like a semi-rock act, though, right? Well, there's never been any American bands. I guess I lumped her in With Lady Gaga

I thought she was a lady All the bands have always Been British haven't they And in America It's always been one singer And a bunch of musicians Yeah yeah Right

Oh no I forget I'm not in the 80s anymore Do you think that there's 70s I mean That That part of why You don't see more rap on TV Is a combination of

It having The fact that rappers Can't show up for shit. Yeah. I think that is central. You know, I was going to say, yeah, definitely when I worked on Fuel TV, they said that was the reason they didn't book more rappers, because just 50% of the time, they just wouldn't show up.

Yeah. But do you think a part of it—but do you think part of it is also just that for most, there would have to be so much beeping. And I think I've even heard you say that sometimes that the number of rappers who can perform at a high level live is actually pretty low. Is that true? Yeah, but I mean, that's kind of true, but the reality is that most of these acts kind of suck live.

I mean, frankly, I've been watching a lot of Conan lately. Sure. And I don't know. Maybe you're getting something out of watching these rock bands perform that I'm not getting. But generally, they just... I mainly turn off the musical performance. Yeah, generally, they just stand there. Sure.

So I don't know what it is that's so compelling about them just standing there. Well, isn't this all just kind of decided by men who sit around and look at numbers and say, well, the people who watch our television show aren't going to watch rap. No, it's decided... So let's put this on it.

It's not. That's the thing. It's decided by a person who decides it. It's decided by a booker. Oh, that's right. So let's put this on. It's not. That's the thing. It's decided by a person who decides it. It's decided by a booker. Oh, that's right. It's TV. I forgot. Yeah, that's the weird part.

It's decided by someone who's making an arbitrary... Yeah. Mary Tyler Moore show will never go anywhere. Yeah. Those guys. Exactly. It's decided... Well, technically, I would say that it's decided by someone who is trying to exercise an aesthetic judgment and also afraid of those people that you're describing.

Sort of a balance of those things. And it's a person who likes Bon Iver and Radiohead. It's all decided by Andy Richter. Andy Richter, personally. by andy richter knows andy richter personally knows that sometimes they're supposed to book a country person uh knows that they're supposed to like most deaf and that's about it yeah that's how i would summarize it okay look i shut this down with my sure by making a judgment about someone you've never met describing someone you've never met, describing someone you've never met. That's that person, though, right? You can't disagree with that assessment. I have no idea.

I have no idea how it works. I did know the guy who booked the bands on Fuel TV, and he had a pretty good musical palette. On Fuel TV? Oh, yeah. What's that? That was something I used to work for. Well, Fuel TV did a...

The show that you worked on did a pretty exceptional job of booking music acts. Yeah, yeah. They did a good job. And the guy said that he realized that the audience probably wanted to see more rap than he was booking. But a combination of them having to beep too much stuff and them not showing up half the time was why he didn't do it. What station was that on? Oh, boy, Channel 612? You got to have a pretty intense cable package to get it.

I'm pretty confused by that whole having to beep too much stuff thing i i've always been baffled by that like once you've beeped it isn't that settled there's some sort of weird arbitrary ever-changing rule of how many beeps you can have in a thing oh we should explain with standards and practices yeah it is not this is not a government rule. Oh, no, no, yeah. This is whoever. And it absolutely changed based on the persnickety-ness of whoever was running the standards and practices department at that particular time. And it was always changing and new rules came in and rules left. It's a very weird imperfect uh lame system i will say that based on my personal experience that the thing about rappers not showing up for stuff is a thousand percent

legitimate ten ten thousand percent legitimate like yeah it's totally racist i'm totally being racist but although i will say no i don't think both both rappers have the case of with rock bands like when johnny carson days i'm sure it was the same with like let's get credence clearwater and they were all like well let's show up on the other hand it was johnny carson so there's only like two two stations ahead or maybe one that had late night talk radio anyway but i'm sure like when you know jim mor showed up, they were afraid he was going to be all high. So they wouldn't... That's what happened with the Ed Sullivan show.

See, now I'm going back to my era. Remember when Ed Sullivan told Jim not to say that bad thing about America? Sure. He did anyway. Let's talk a little bit about Fibber McGee and Molly, shall we? Let's do. Fibber McGee was alright, but that Molly... She was terrible.ibber McGee was all right, but that Molly, she was terrible.

He had a cow here the whole time. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And me, the famous cartoonist, Toonie Millionaire. Sponsors this week. Oh, man, we got a new sponsor this week, Jordan.

First of all, let's talk about our most devoted sponsor of all. Beer? Yes. MakePixelArt.com. Hey, if you drink enough beer It's probably more fun Let's talk about our new sponsor The erection killing magic of opium

Do you just want to hang out With some other gay dudes? Try some opium Tony, you've probably All these years been using stupid tools Like pencils and graphite And charcoal To make your drawings All these years been using stupid tools like pencils and graphite and charcoal. There was break.

To make your drawings. Yeah, they cut my hands. You should be using a mouse to make 8 and 16 bit style pixel art drawings on MakePixelArt.com. That's my pitch to you. It's a lot of pixels. We have a new sponsor this week on the program, Stack Soap. I got on the horn with the creator of this stuff. This is a Kickstarter project for a new style of soap.

It is a soap. I mean, you've heard me rant against the fact how stale soap has gotten. Why have there been no soap innovations in the past 200 years? Jordan, I think this one will appear appeal to you uh as as a well-known miser sure um so the premise of this soap is that as your soap gets thinner and thinner uh it gets to the end and at the end you have this sliver and it's not very useful

because it's constantly slipping and it's really annoying and it's hard. Well, you can put it in your butt. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. I draw with it. Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, neat.

Wait, you draw with it? Sometimes. What do you draw? When I'm trying to get out of the idea of putting it up my butt. I can do one of two things with this. So it gets to the sliver phase and you're supposed to press it onto the next bar. Yeah. Right?

To combine it. I've heard that. Sure. But the problem is that it doesn't really work. Yeah, yeah. So this guy has created this soap, and I'm not making this up. This is real. This is a real product.

With a concave top, he's engineered this soap with a concave top. So when you get down to the sliver, you press your old bar into your new bar. And there's a depression there already for it. So it makes a perfectly round bar. That's great. Does that make sense? I support this 100%. There's basically a slot, a perfect slot for your bar that you press it right into. And even like the logo. the logo with a hole in

it oh god anyway um it's very good you could probably sell it even to the french that's good stuff they don't use soap anyway 1 000 listeners uh special offer you can get a six bar pack and pay what you think it's worth uh go to stacksoap.com you can check out the kickstarter from there a thousand people can get six bars of this stuff and pay whatever you think these six bars are worth uh i think it is an amazing albeit ridiculous invention um we also of course have the jumbotron nothing up on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron with your announcement, it's cheap, it's easy. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It works just like the Jumbotron at the ballpark. Give us a couple hundred bucks and you get your message up there, whether it's a birthday or whatever it is. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get a commercial message on the show, email our development director, Teresa, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get a commercial message on the show, email our development director, Teresa, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tony Millionaire, famous cartoonist. When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you give us a telephone call for a momentous occasion. And holy shit, that's what you've done.

Hello, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Michael from Boston. I'm calling with a momentous occasion in which I had a dream about LeVar Burton's possum puppy-made paintings, which was basically LeVar Burton in an infomercial for a paint... Wait a minute. LeVar Burton's possum puppy-made paintings. Okay, so this is LeVar Burton in an infomercial.

The paintings of possums made by puppies. Made by puppies. That are owned by LeVar Burton. Yeah, yeah. It's a big set so far. I'm on board. Okay, let's go back to the tape. Let's hear what else.

In an infomercial for paintings he had helped create by tipping puppies' paws in paint. And I wrote it down because I was laughing. I woke up. So that was pretty interesting. Okay, thanks. Bye. And then nothing happened because it was just a dream. And LeVar Burton could see again.

Where did the possums come into this? They're the brush. Were they paintings of possums? Oh, the possums. Yeah, yeah. So a puppy, why would a puppy want to paint a painting of a possum? Because they want to paint their enemies. Oh.

I don't know if you've ever, I don't know if you've ever ever You know, you've had any possums come around the house, Jesse But I remember growing up when there was a possum in the yard I mean, there's nothing the dog hated more than that possum being in the yard Right, right So yeah, maybe this is a situation where like cavemen would paint Buffaloes on the wall of their cave You know, they painted what they hated the most So you're saying it's sort of talismanic

Yeah, exactly Or they painted what they hated the most so you're saying it's sort of talismanic yeah exactly or they painted what they wanted to eat if they painted buffalo and yeah and antelope maybe the puppy is painting what it wants to eat the possum by the way have you guys seen this beautiful painting i made of a sticky bun it's beautiful he likes to eat them you just dipped your paws in the paint yeah it's also true that you're that a possum is a lot easier than a raccoon because you have to just draw a round, smooth head. Yeah. And then a ball of fur.

And then a long, skinny tail. Even a puppy could do that. Easy. Have you drawn any possums, Tony? Have you any possum characters? Oh, my God. I will. Yeah.

Sure. Easy to draw. Watch next week's Monkeys. You'll see one. You're like the new Bob Ross, by the way. You just fucking blew the roof off of the art community. You really opened the doors to amateur artists across America to be able to create their own possums at home. It's just simple.

By the way, I equate drawing a picture of something with creating it. I think that those are one and the same Because I don't have a firm grasp of reality I also struggle with object permanence Sure So you think that drawing a possum Actually gives you a real alive possum? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does Well it doesn't create it right there

But somewhere in the world A possum materializes Right, as long as you laugh Right Or tinkle Or get published Or make a sacrifice to Satan Right. As long as you laugh. Right. Or tinkle. Or get published. Or make a sacrifice to Satan.

Okay, this is another animal one. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Third person. This is Justin in Baltimore, Maryland. I was listening to your last episode. A listener called in with a squirrel sex story, and it reminded me of a squirrel sex story that I have that I think rivals or perhaps even surpasses that squirrel sex story. You can decide. Nope, it doesn't, because you're not calling in when it happens, and that's how it rivals or surpasses, but I will allow you to tell me.

No, I understand. Yeah, this retroactive moment, this occasion thing. We encourage people to call exactly when it happens. We encourage people to put 206-984-4FUN into their cellular telephone so that they can call immediately when shit goes down. When shit is going down is when you should be calling. If this guy fucked a squirrel, even if it happened two years ago, I think we should listen to this story.

No, no. You know what? Tony's right. We should allow that maybe this story includes a man fucking a squirrel. If he didn't fuck the squirrel, then we should cut him off. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's fair.

Let's listen. But I'm just saying. But sure. No, yeah. For the future. For future reference, you should have it in your phone so that if you find yourself fucking a squirrel or driving an ambulance boat or just doing something awesome, hanging on a rope off of a Zeppelin

or other dirigible. If you get run over by a hovercraft and your butt becomes exposed. Then you'll have the number handy. You won't have to try and remember it. Okay, let's go back to the tape. I was walking out into my driveway and I hear some rustling up in the tree above,

and I see two squirrels having what appears to be non-consensual squirrel sex, judging by the way the one on the bottom was struggling. Suddenly the branch they were on snapped, and now the squirrels are dangling by this tree branch, the first squirrel hanging on for dear life, the second squirrel holding on to that squirrel and continuing to thrust, and the squirrel lets go. They fall, bounce off the hood of my car. The male one runs away, and the female sits there and stares at me with an accusing look. Maybe I should have done something or stepped in.

I don't know. It filled me with a lot of conflicting emotions. Called the R.A. There you go. Thanks. Bye. You should have done something or stepped in. I don't know. It still made a lot of conflicting emotions. Called the RA. There you go. Thanks. Bye. He should have continued the fucking. The squirrel was hot.

Yeah, the squirrel was not. I mean, I can't imagine she was able to finish up. No. She wanted to keep the. Because with wild animals, all fucking is nonconsensual. Yeah. It's rape. That's how they make each other.

is non-consensual. Yeah. It's rape. That's how they make each other. So this guy, this squirrel is looking at him was many years ago or whatever

looking at him saying, come on, are you going to finish the job or not? And this guy just, you know, dropped the ball

and didn't even call. Yeah, I don't know that that was two years old good. Yeah. It was okay. I mean,

if you were calling in the aftermath, I would have found that acceptable. It's basically two squirrels fucking each other. Yeah. And they fell on a car. Eh. His car. I mean, while you were calling in the aftermath, I would have found that acceptable. It's basically two squirrels fucking each other. Yeah. And they fell on a car.

Eh. His car. I mean, while he was in it. Yeah. If they had fallen through his sunroof... No, that would have been fun. That would have been fun. Or if while they were falling, they took out little umbrellas so they would fall slower.

Or if they started to talk. Yeah. Or if they started to talk. But yeah. Eh. Or if they were flying squirrels. No, that would have been good. Or if they were to talk. Yeah, or if they started to talk. But yeah. If they were flying squirrels. No, that would have been good. What if they were gerbils?

Sure. I mean, these are all things that could have been. Isn't that gerbil? Not if you want to say it a funny way. Gerbil. Gerbil. Bon Iver. These are the ways to pronounce things.

You're learning a lot on this program, Tony. I thought you probably figured you'd have some fun when you came here, but I don't think that you knew that you'd learn a lot, too. The show is about kind of comedy a little bit, but mostly about pronunciation and diction. I'd call it a dramedy. Yeah. It's really a dramedy with kind of notes of punctuation and diction. We have a moment of shame here, so I'm going to listen to this. Hey Jordan, hey Jesse,

hey guest. I just had a moment of shame. I was walking across the campus of the college I attend, and there's lots of very pretty girls at this college. I was walking behind one in a pretty standard outfit, short shorts, sneakers, light blue hoodie, and admiring her legs. admiring her legs. And then when she stopped and turned around, she turned out to be a roughly 45-year-old man. So, not sure how to feel about that. Hope you're having a great day. Bye.

Awesome. You just doubled your chances of scoring tonight, my friend. Yeah, sweet dude. You're a little bit gay. That's awesome. That is great. I thought he was wearing the short shorts. I think, well, no, I think the fellow was wearing some short shorts.

That's why when he said standard, I was wearing some standard clothing, some short shorts, I thought, this is going to get weird. Yeah. But it was the man. When he says standard,

I mean, he just means that he's in the military. Yeah, these are standard issue short shorts. But you're right, he would have a better chance getting laid by that guy. Yeah, probably. That's great. I mean, you know, seems like the gay men of the world

have an easier chance of getting laid than the straight men of the world. That's a good point. If you're a little bit gay, that's great. I said he doubled his chance. That was a sort of arithmetic determination because I figured if he had previously thought that he only was into ladies and then now, I mean, now he found out he's into ladies and dudes. But actually, the reality is that it's more like a quadruple. If you're a dude who's into dudes, I mean, you can get laid.

They have a thing on their telephone. There's an app. They have a sex app. It buzzes when you're close to sex. We've been over this before, but it's fucking amazing. There's an app. They have a sex app. It buzzes when you're close to sex. We've been over this before, but it's fucking amazing. They have an app. They do?

Yeah. And let's be clear. I want to be absolutely clear here that when we talk about this, if you have any concern... It's coming from a place of fear and prejudice. No, I think

it is an amazing and beautiful culture that I respect and admire. And I... Are you talking about gayness? Yes. It's an amazing and beautiful culture that I respect and admire. I've never heard anybody defend themselves so elaborately.

Well, I just don't want anyone to think that we're mocking a world in which dudes have an app to have sex with each other. It's great. I genuinely, I mean, I think it is genuinely amazing. Use my standard line. I am not a homophobe. I ain't scared of no fag. That's a good point.

It is a good point. That's why I carry this knife. Yeah. Knife. Yeah. But we're so bad. I think the audience knows where we're coming from. Okay, good.

We think it's amazing. It's clear, right? We're very glad for them because obviously it's difficult to be gay in America. Yeah. And we're glad that some, you know, there is an upside to being gay. There's a lot of downsides, certainly. Yeah, certainly so. There's an upside, which is sex app.

Yeah. What is sex app? I know you talked about it before, but I wasn't here. Oh, sure, no, no, I'll catch you up. I think there's a lot of different sex apps. There's a couple now. Just as there's a lot of different

Twitter clients for your phone. I think the main one is Grindr. Yeah. It's got a couple vowels dropped in the classic Web 2.0 mode. Grindr. And you open the app, and it shows you pictures of penises and butts that you can deal with sexually. And it will buzz your phone as you're getting closer. So it's like a little treasure hunt.

Yeah. It's like a divining rod for gay sex. Yeah. It's sort of like it makes everyone into a dowser where the underground water is a butt or penis or mouth. So it can detect any penis or only like hot gay men? No, only ones that also are using the app. But here's the thing, though.

They're all using the app. Oh, okay. We think. We're not entirely. We can only assume. We can only assume. Because if we were in that context and we were, I mean, obviously I would be, if I was in that context, my wife would also be a gay gentleman.

You would be gay married to Man Teresa. Yes. And you would have adopted African Simon. Yeah. Well, no, she would have gay born African Simon, I think. This is a miracle world. Still two dogs, though. That's the same.

We would have had the same dogs. Two dogs. But yeah, so anyway. I have a baby human squirrel. I think that we've pretty well established our credibility as, you know, as just sort of trustworthy, responsible adults through the last couple of questions. So I think it's a good time for us to offer some straight talk for teens. Hi, this is Mitch from Chicago with a straight talk for teens. I was asked to turn about this week, and my question is this. How do I do a school dance?

It's my first, so how do I do a school dance? It's my first, so how do I do it? If you could share your high school dance stories, advice, Jesse, and homecoming King Jordan, that would be awesome. Thanks. Bye. We should explain that Turnabout is an annual school dance where you go out with someone you thought

was a chick and turns out to be a 45-year-old dude. Right. I assume that's like Sally Hawkins? Sadie Hawkins. Yeah, I've never heard turnabout either, but... You gotta figure that's what that means, right?

Because he's saying he got assed there. It sounds like, but it sounds like something that would be involved in like a long con from the 30s. And then you get to the turnabout where you pretend that the warehouse is a casino. Well, actually, that is actually an important part of both of those events. Both the long con and the high school yeah you have to involve pretending that the warehouse is a casino um god you know i think i would need a lot more information about the context which this guy is going to the dance because i think it's very different when you're going to the dance with a sweetheart versus when you're just going with a

friend and i think there's different protocol for both. Or if it's one of those situations where the dance is the first time you're going out and, you know, there's that kind of tricky thing of are we going as friends or are we going as date? I mean, I think the most important question is should you have your, just your dick out or your dick and your balls out?

Yeah. Well, I mean, my inclination is if it's a first date, you want to be conservative. So you want to have both out so she knows what she's dealing with. Why buy the balls when you can get the dick for free? I think it's the old, what all of our moms would have told us. That's what started the Great Chicago Fire.

Right. Some balls swung around and hit a lantern in a barn. Open door of a barn and so on. You know the old saw. So you don't want to be at the dance. And I know that all school dances, really, they involve a lot of whale oil lanterns. Right. A lot of tiki torches.

So if you've got big old balls and they're swinging around. Did your school have dances? Yeah. Oh, totally. They totally have dances? Yeah. Oh, totally. They totally have dances. Yeah. I think there were kind of three big ones a year. There was homecoming,

which was a little more casual. That's something to where, you know, you could just wear a coat and tie or something or a, what have you. And then, uh, there was a coat and tie.

Yeah. They only do that on TV. Do they really wear a coat and tie? Did you go to high school on Saved by the Bell? I did, yes, exactly. And I skateboarded to the dance because I was the cool kid. In your tie. Yeah, yeah.

When you arrived, you took off your helmet and your elbow pads and your knee pads. Exactly. High-fived the principal. Pants to nerd. And there was Winter Formal formal Which was kind of a Valentine's day thing And there was kind of an unofficial Girl ask guy policy there

I'm gonna sneeze excuse me Yep it's gone Okay You should explain that Jordan is allergic to girls I am yeah and even talking about them Makes me feel icky And then there was prom which was just for Juniors and seniors so that was our Jordan is allergic to girls. Yeah, and even talking about them makes me feel icky. And then there was prom, which was just for juniors and seniors. So that was our dance situation.

Uh-huh. Okay. And I grew up in the 70s in school, in high school. So a school dance was like a freak out on mushrooms. A gymnasium, I was just going to say, a gymnasium filled with very loud Creedence Clearwater. I was just going to say, it's a gymnasium filled with very loud Creedence Clearwater. And you'd be so high from just smoking this cheap dope that they had in those days that you would just stand against the wall and feel the vibes. And that was it.

And you'd go home. What's funny is the idea that the 70s were this magical time when you would get super high and then go to the school dance. Yeah. Like those two things were connected activities like you'd be like oh man what do you want to do tonight let's get high and then go to the school dance like they had you were going to the dance either way so you might as well get super stoned people who people People who were going to get high after school had not yet figured out that they didn't have to go to the dance.

Well, you have to. You just have to go to the dance. I remember when Aerosmith got famous by going around to all the high schools in Massachusetts and play for like, you pay like $2 to go in. Wow. And I remember my friends all saying, there's this band called Aerosmith,

and they actually even have a record. So we were like, wow, we're going to go to that. Yeah. So we went, and they got famous in Boston, and that was the career. Yeah, there was nothing like that at my high school. There was prom, but that's the only dance. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, I mean, I guess there was other dances, but it was sort of like a ha-ha-ha, there's supposed to be a dance. I was very shy, so I really hated the dance. So I just smoked the cheap dope, leaned against the wall, and pretended I was super cool. But I was actually just shy and high. I mean, you... What do we say about this dance? I mean, it depends on the size of the high school, the scale of this event, right? Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of factors. But I mean, I guess I would say just don't be shitty about it. Don't go and don't go because you want to make fun of it. Yeah. Which is, I feel like I heard a lot of in high school is like, I'm just going to go because everybody's going to be acting so stupid. You know, like that weird attitude. So yeah, I think it's fun to put on a different outfit and to ask a person that you like and

to dance around and to take a limo. You know, all that stuff is fun. So don't, you know, don't be making the jack off motion in the air while you're doing it. If you dance enthusiastically with some girls, you'll do really well with the girls. Yeah, in high school particularly. That's a great time for just... That is true.

I remember everybody saying, if I knew then what I know now when I was in high school, oh, my God. But it's not if I knew then what I know now. What it is is if I had the confidence now to be able to be a little bit drunk, a little bit high, go in and not be afraid of the girls, I would just go crazy.

I would have been scoring all over the place. I would have been the coolest kid, anybody that's in their 50s who is this confident and I don't give a shit about anything anymore and go in there and like the eight, what is it, 17-year-old when you're in school? In the 17-year-old body

and not have that horrible nervousness that I always had, that horrible, fine, nervous shyness that just fucked everything up that I did. My advice, if I was 17 and somebody said, what about the school dance? I'd say, don't go. Yeah. Or go. I mean, the reality is that if a girl asks you to go, then that's pretty cool.

You go to the dance with that girl, maybe you can kiss her some. Sure. Kissing is great. Nice to be kissing. And you know, even if it is just she wants to go as a friend, go to the dance, act really, really fun, and maybe some other girls who are at the dance will like you later because you're so much fun. That's right.

Yeah. Who's that guy who was nice to the girls? Yeah. Danced around, didn't act shitty about stuff. When you're shy and you're acting like cool with your buddies and you're not talking to the girls, girls think that means because you're an asshole. They don't like you. I'll tell you what.

Daniel Handler is on this week's Bullseye. He is best known as the Lemony Snicket, but he is also a very gifted writer i read one of his adult novels recently i thought it was really good yeah he he just wrote this very wonderful uh book that is uh in the voice of a high school girl uh writing a letter to her boyfriend about why they broke up and uh it's a great book and um he and i talked a little bit about high school and uh he he talked about all these different girls that he dated in high school.

And basically his strategy was just to be straight, hang out with girls and ask them out and then try and kiss them. And it worked great for him. As far as I can tell, it worked tremendous for him because I think that that stuff is stuff that most guys in high school can't get their act together to do, except for maybe jocks where those things just sort of fall into their laps. Because jocks exercise so much that they're naturally not nervous. Yeah, it's a good way to get out the nerves.

I mean, nerds, what did we have to get out the nerves? Jerking off. You can only do that once or twice a day. And then you don't care when you go to the dance. Sure. Yeah. So my recommendation is... Brush your teeth.

Oh, yeah. I really like your advice, Jordan, to not go and complain about it. Yeah. Go or don't go. Don't go and complain about it. Go and if this girl is asking you out because maybe she likes you, I say try and make a move. You don't have to try and sleep with her. But do something to make it clear that it's romance and try and kiss her.

Yeah. Well, if you're sitting at a table, maybe try and take her hand under the table. Yeah. That'll do it. Or put your big toe up her dress. There you go. Or swing your giant balls around,

knock over the nearest whale oil lantern, and cause the greatest fire that the city of Chicago has ever seen. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goff. Jordan, Jesse Goff. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Tony Millionaire, wonderful cartoonist. Can I play something for you guys? You may.

Yes. Tony Millionaire, wonderful cartoonist Can I play something for you guys? You may Yes More powerful Than ever Yeah, this guy named Lucas made that That was nice It's great, that's a fanfare Yeah, that's a fanfare for More Powerful Than Ever You should know that More Powerful than ever is my theme for 2012. I'm sick of the bullshit and just all the crap that's been holding me back.

Yeah. I've decided that rather than capitulate to my enemies, I'm going to crush them like paper cups in my hand. Crush your enemies or make yourself stronger than them? I'm going to be stronger than them and part of... And use that strength to crush. Yeah. That's good.

If necessary. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that same thing. Look, I'm not looking for a fight, but if shit goes down, I will be powerful enough to crush them. I won't have to worry about it. You know what I mean?

It's going to be like fucking water off a duck's back because they're going to be like, oh shit, what happened? Oh, I accidentally just fucking crushed my enemies. I will tell people, if you're going up against Jesse, watch out. And look... Jordan, you went on this too? Yeah, I'm

also more powerful than ever. Do you plan to become even more powerful? Yeah. Totally. I'm getting jacked up, getting juiced. Let's be clear. Getting ganked up. Me and Jordan don't have a lot of enemies. We're nice guys.

We're competitors. We're sweet guys. Sure. No, no, no. That's true. We should probably consider competitors or peers enemies now. I don't know. I think that's the thing.

What are we going to do? You have to push people out of the way to get on the bus. Who are we going to compete? We're not going to turn against Chris Hardwick or something. He's a great guy. Oh, Dave and Graham. No, we're not going to turn against Dave and Graham. Yeah.

Those guys are... Let's destroy them. Why would we turn against Dave and Graham? No. Those are like the nicest guys. Those are nice guys. From Stop Podcasting Yourself. Weakness.

You're going back to 2010. The nicest guys around. Yeah, well. Okay, look. Last week... You've got to learn to crush. This is the thing. Last week we announced this theme, 2012, more powerful than ever, Go An Ape.

And people have been, the torrent of amazing artworks of all types that we have seen evidenced on our, the amazing torrent of artworks that we've seen on our Facebook page and on the forum has been amazing. So I like I'm looking at the Facebook page right now. This guy named Jonathan made an original illustration for Going Ape. It features there's a lot of sort of King Kong type apes. Patrick Roddy, who a longtime fan of ours, he's been out to several volunteer days, drives a Pontiac. He made a light box, a more powerful than ever light box. Look at this. Look at this, Tony. Look at this thing.

Look at this light box here. I use a light box every day. Let me see that one. Look, it's got an ape going ape. Great idea. You just take a light box and put a big giant ape on it. Yeah. That's my problem with light boxes in the past is that they haven't had apes on them.

They're just white. Yeah. Good for tracing. Brandon made this awesome, really, this one's really awesome. It's sort of like an old-timey poster style thing. This woman named Erin wrote a beautiful song about how she's more powerful than ever, despite the fact that she may or may

not be as young and vibrant as she once was, which I think is a great theme. I like the idea that just because you're not 24 years old doesn't mean you're not more powerful than ever. And that applies to 24-year-olds who aren't 16. If you're older than 24, you're probably more powerful than you were when you were 24.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you just get more and more powerful. Just think, like sometimes you know who Pauly Shore is and younger people don't. So that's a power you have over them. Remembering Pauly Shore. Febber McGee and Molly. Sure. Thomas.

I mean, there's all these people. Thomas. Jimmy made an awesome picture of an ape king. He's like sort of an ape Napoleon. He's riding the raptor. Oh, let's see that one. Oh, that one's really nice. Isn't that great?

Look at that. It's beautiful. It's Napoleon. It's taken from Napoleon, yeah. Yeah, it's like an ape Napoleon. A painting of Napoleon where the horse rearing up. Yeah, but the horse is a raptor. That's great.

So that's pretty tremendous. We use short fiction. A short raptor. That's great. So that's pretty tremendous. We use short fiction. If it's a raptor, it could be a Deinonychus. It's possible that it's a Deinonychus. It's a vegetarian dinosaur. It's probably not quite as ferocious as a horse. Yeah, yeah. This guy named Elijah wrote a short story.

I mean, there's all kinds of amazing things. Just so many wonderful... bonnie i'm i'm gonna not say some people's names so i'm sorry if i didn't oh this guy yeah this guy named uh concrete tales from the forum just just put up 2012 pictures of a gorilla flexing. Great. That's pretty good, right? Great, sure. Seriously, all kinds of people doing all kinds of amazing shit on this fucking website. And I thank every single one of them. You have until the end of the month.

And whoever makes the best thing as arbitrarily judged by us will receive this Xbox that we have. If I can make a comment about the Xbox, I had not seen it until today. This is not just a run-of-the-mill Xbox. This is a Gears of War limited edition elite Xbox that comes with Gears of War 3. Yes, that's true. And it comes with a book about Gears of War also. Is that a game?

It is, yes. And, yeah, so this is actually a really nice item. And even if you have a first-gen Xbox and wanted to upgrade to something that was a little nicer with some more features, this is a good choice. I'm going to send... Does it have more buttons? No, same amount of buttons.

More memory. I'm going to say... It has a crank. They added a crank. The original Xbox has buttons. Not Steam? I'm going to say... Yes, it's Steam power. Crank. The original Xbox has buttons. Not steam? I'm going to say for Patrick, for Brandon, and for Aaron,

Patrick made the light box, Brandon made the sweet poster thing, and Aaron wrote the beautiful song, which was the second song she ever wrote, despite the fact that she only knows three guitar chords. That's all you need. All you need. All three of you, please email intern at maximumfund.org with your address and your size, and we will send you a T-shirt. How about that?

That's great. They're unisex-sized T-shirts. Does the T-shirt have the gorilla on it? No, the T-shirt's got the rocket ship. That's the symbol of the Boner Society, but that's a whole other thing that we're not going to get into right now. Well, Tony, it has been such a joy and a pleasure to have you on Jordan and Jesse Go. Pleasure is mine.

Thank you very much. I really, I think this 500 Portraits book of yours is an absolute delight. Look, if you want to see a picture of Bob Odenkirk, if you want to see a picture of Davy Rothbart from Found Magazine. He was very excited to be in the book. Well, he is outclassed by most of the other people.

John Hodgman said that if anybody brings the copy of this book to him, he will personally draw his mustache on the drawing. Wow. Because the drawing doesn't have the mustache. No, it's before he had the mustache. That's pretty good. What about, here's our friend John Roderick. I mean, these are beautiful and evocative drawings of all kinds of wonderful people. In fact, a lot of the people that I drew, I didn't know who they were.

But then later found out who they were. When they wrote you to complain. Somebody would say, here's an assignment. Draw these six people and gave me names. I Googled them and drew them. And then later I'm like who was that someone someone drew i had always wanted to um i had always wanted to appear in a sort of uh uh wall street journal stipple style illustration yeah a lifetime career goal of mine um paul f Tompkins recently achieved this.

He was featured in an article in the Wall Street Journal. I was actually in the Wall Street Journal once. He's in my book. But I was not illustrated. You were? There was an article about me in the Wall Street Journal, but they did not illustrate me. Paul F. Tompkins got in my book, but I didn't draw the little gap in his teeth, so it's hard to recognize. Well, he could have been wearing his flipper. For sometimes for network, they have him wear a prosthetic.

To close the gap? To close the gap. Isn't that bizarre? It's a TV screen, doesn't it? I don't know. I think it's one of his greatest charms. The camera adds 10 inches to any tooth gap. It is insane to me that someone would want to hire would want to hire paul f tompkins

and not have the gap in his teeth it's sort of like it's sort of like asking for like a shorter shaquille o'neal or something like that like a giraffe and could he shorten the neck yeah exactly it's like the the thing one of the one of the elements that makes him magical yeah okay anyway that point aside i was featured in this article from Fast Company magazine where they did an illustration based on a photograph of me. It was not a stipple illustration, I'll grant you. It was a line illustration. Not wildly unlike the illustrations in this beautiful book of yours.

I'd like to be drawn in the style of a heavy metal album cover. Like I want to be fighting a fucking dragon? Yeah, or like a Viking or something. Wait, but I just want to say something. All you need is a costume

for that. I'll draw you with that. Oh, great. Awesome. I'll come over to your house in a Viking outfit. I just want to say something about this illustration of me

in this Fast Company magazine. First of all, it was an honor to be one of Fast Company magazine's 100 most creative people in business. So thank you to Fast Company magazine for including me in this article. That's number one. Number two, Fast Company magazine. This was the most unflattering illustration to the point where I showed the article to my wife and she said, this is her direct quote, oh no.

That was what she said. They added chins to my face. And what can you do when that happens? Dear Fast Company magazine. I am not that fat. I'm a little bit fat. Can you go back in time and take back all the magazines and burn the ones that are already out?

Not as many fats as you put me. This is the problem with using photographs from, like, even Google search. I've got to find, usually I find, like, five or six different photographs so I can make sure that the one that has the weird chins,

that's just because, you know, the way the guy was holding his neck at the time. Right, right, yeah. Because they actually have them. You've got to check it out. You've got to check out the situation. You don't want to draw someone while they're slouching. You also can't go for the head shot, because that's usually like the beautiful shot.

Right, yeah, that's not. You want to get a candid picture if you can find one, and then you get sued. That's why you're always snooping around people's Facebook pages and or breaking into their house. Oh, while we're on the subject around people's Facebook pages and or breaking into their house. Oh, while we're on the subject of Tony's work, you also did some illustrations for this

book, Encyclopedia of Hell, an invasion manual for demons concerning the planet Earth and the human race which infests it. And one of these drawings is... By the amazingly humorous art writer Martin Olson. And one of your drawings for this is a jackal coming out of the vagina of a nun, which was impregnated by Satan.

And the jackal is kicking off the head of JFK. In a split second. Yeah, yeah. And way in the background you can see Lee Harvey Oswald. Looking kind of bummed. Looking dismayed that he didn't get his shot on. Yeah. Sort of dejected.

He thinks it's kind of bogus, what just happened I'm a patsy That's why he said I'm a patsy Because the jackal kicked off the head Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design Courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records You can find us online at MaximumFun.org And hey, check out Bullseye

My all new public radio program Okay, my all-new public radio program. Okay, not all-new, but substantially. New-ish. Substantially not insignificant. Relatively new. Not insignificantly new public radio program. This week on the show, I will tell you who I talked to. Daniel Handler, a.k.a. The Lemony Snicket.

That's number one. Number two, smash hit stand-up comedians, the Sklar Brothers. Number three, contemporary music composer and Bjork and Grizzly Bear collaborator, Nico Muley. He's also a collaborator with, I want to say Philip Glass. I might be wrong, and it might be Steve Reich. But he really bridges the... Might be Bob Dylan. He really bridges the gap, is what I'm trying to say, between your

Bjorks and your famous modern classical composers. And also, I do a little piece recommending one of my favorite television shows, The Newsroom. Canadian sitcom called The Newsroom. And next week on the show, the brilliant David Wayne.

A 40-minute conversation with me and the amazing David Wayne about how much I love Wet Hot American Summer, how I distrust people who don't love Wet Hot American Summer, about his very funny new movie, Wanderlust. Did you see it? I did see it. Is it good? Yes, it is. Oh, good.

That's great. Yes. I feel like every David Wayne movie has been a home run so far. Yeah, you should moderate your expectations. It's not going to change your life or anything. Sure. But you will definitely enjoy it. Is it as good as Role Models?

That's tough. No, no, no, no, no. When you're reviewing a movie, all you can do is thumbs up or thumbs down okay everybody has it you're right you're right you're right it's an enjoyable yeah it's an enjoyable film i'm i'm role models is one of the i know the sclar brothers and the one is much funnier than the other we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica hi i'm justin mcelroy i'm travis mcel. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers.

It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf? That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more,

including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.