Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 212: Blackout with Tami Sagher

Episode Date: February 20, 2012

Tami Sagher, writer-producer on How I Met Your Mother joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about what Jordan does when he blacks out and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, ed're joined by the delightful Tammy Sager.

We find out what Jordan does when he blacks out drunk. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A beautiful afternoon in the Mountain Chalet. Jesse, before we get officially started, could I just divert things for just a little bit, really quick? Just for something unofficial.

For something unofficial. This is off the record. Right. I'm not recording right now. Just FYI. Good. Thank you. This is just for us personally.

Gotcha. For personal use. I'll have my secretary turn off the tapes. Thank you. Jesse, as you know, I occasionally... By the way, if you think that I record all these on microphones, like in a sort of radio type setup... Yeah, like a reel-to-reel. No, it's a Lyndon Johnson White House style setup.

I have a secretary and hidden microphones that record everything that go on in my office. Jesse, as you know, I occasionally submit writing packets to TV shows to try and get a job. And a lot of times, it'll be like a topical TV show, like a talk show or like an award show. Right. And they will want you to write topical jokes and sketches. Like you'll have to write something about the latest cable hits for the Cable Ace Awards. Absolutely. Sure.

Arliss. Right. I write a lot of Arliss material for the Cable Ace Awards. Sure. And, you know, sometimes you turn in these writing packets and usually you don't hear anything and kind of the material just kind of goes away. And some of it I'm kind of proud of. What would other words be like if we replaced the S's with dollar signs?

Snakes would be a whole lot richer just an example of some of the great jokes that i turned into the 1992 cable ace awards they just wasted all unfrozen mice but see like great great jokes like that like sometimes they just go away um so i had a little just a really quick comedy sketch about the oscar race yeah sure the upcoming oscar race and you know like you know if this doesn't the artist warhorse bridesmaids here i'm gonna hand this to you you You'll play Jesse, and I'll play Jordan just really quick. And I promise we'll get there. This does seem like, I mean, I have to say, Jordan, real quick, before we read this sketch. I have not seen this sketch.

Assuming that this was pitched to, this was part of one of your writing packets for a talk show, I probably would have written it for the people on the talk show rather than for you and me. Yeah, well, you know, I changed... Writing it for Jordan and Jesse, I would have written it for, say, Conan and Andy. Well, you know, I changed the names and just, you know, because technically when you turn in those writing packets, it's like the property of the show and I just don't... Jimmy Fallon and one of his female admirers. This is for Wolf Blitzer and his new sidekick.

Gotcha. He's doing more comedy now on The Situation Room. Wolf Blitzer and Joy Behar. Yeah Gotcha. He's doing more comedy now on The Situation Room. Wolf Blitzer and Joy Behar. Yeah. You've got a comedy team now. So you're Jesse and I'm Jordan. Okay. So, Jordan, what are your Oscar picks for this year?

Well, The Descendants really didn't do it for me. I thought the artist was really charming. And, of course, I loved War Horse. Wait. Was that the last one? You know, Steven Spielberg's War Horse. You mean War Horse? I think you're pronouncing it wrong no i'm not okay what was the movie about oh it was about a boy during world war one and his bond with a very special horse okay see in that sentence you said war and horse normally why when you say the title do you pronounce it war

horse i don't have time for this i have awful diarrhea and that's the i don't understand why you don't get these jobs i don't either you haven't gotten one of these jobs so far i don't understand how it's possible you know it's all politics and show biz you know it is all politics you know why it's because you're it's all politics and showbiz you know it is all politics you know why it's because you're not close enough to santorum yeah if you had one more sweater vest yeah i know that's why dave mustaine gets all the writing jobs of mega death if you were a real christian jordan yeah you would be getting these writing jobs mustaine uh shall we introduce our guest on the program should we go official too long do you mind if i flip the switch and we go official on this thing yeah go back on the record recording

the tape again mr thorn that's your secretary by the way he's told to stop the tape classic secretary voice by the way our guest uh our guest is a legendary improviser and sketch comedian. She's also a wonderful television writer who has written for television programs, including the 30 Rock television show. She is currently a writer and producer on a show you may have heard of called How I Met Your Mother. Please welcome to the program Miss Tammy Sager. That was some of my legendary improv coming in as that secretary there. That was pretty amazing. Yes, and. Yes, and that was amazing.

Because you said you were getting your secretary to turn off the tape. Right. And then I was her turning it back on. And what we didn't see is your space work indicating not only that you were wearing eyeglasses, but that they were the kind that are pointy, like a cat's eyes. Like a Lisa Loeb situation. And blonde, pin-curled hair. Right.

Because I had been hired not for my intelligence. Be careful, I'm getting a boner. Take care. Take care. Tread lightly. Pin curls. Tread lightly upon my boner. Terry, it is a joy to have you on the program.

It is a joy to be here. Jordan, did you know... It's a joy, Behar. Yeah. Jordan, did you know that Tammy Sager helped invent Werewolf Bar Mitzvah? I think I did know that. Congratulations, Tammy. Thank you very much.

That's like one of the funniest jokes. Aw, thanks. It might be the greatest thing ever. Well, Robert Carlock wrote Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Right. Spooky, scary. And then I said, boys becoming men, men becoming wolves. Which is the best part of the whole thing.

Yeah. Which is the best thing ever! And then, yeah, and then we were like, we can write a full song. So we did. Oh, man. I love that you love it so much. Oh, I love it so much, Terry. It was really fun to write.

I love it so... I mean, Diabetes Repair is pretty great, too. Yeah. I mean, there have been two great things on 30 Rock. I think we can agree the rest of 30 Rock has been a real washout. I think America agrees. Yeah. I think Tina Fey agrees.

Those were the... They're just coasting. Not at all. It's a fucking amazing television program. I think America agrees. I think Tina Fey agrees. Those were the peers. Not at all. It's an amazing television program. Tammy, on your new, it's not a new job necessarily, but on your current job on How You Met Your Mother, how much FaceTime do you have with Neil Patrick Harris? Oh, I see him at least a couple days a week, two or three days a week. That's a great amount of time.

Yeah, it's awesome. I would enjoy spending that much time with him. He is delightful. That whole cast is delightful. Actually, this past week I was on set, so I had five days this week. You know what I'd like to do? Shake their hands. You totally could.

You know what I'd say? Hey, great work, Neil Patrick Harris. You know what else I'd say? Great work, Lady from Buffy. You're tremendous on this program. You know what else I'd say? Great work, lady from Buffy. You're tremendous on this program. You know what else I would say? Hey, great work, Siegel. Way to go.

And I'd say, you're beautiful, lady. Kobe Smulders. Sure. You're a beautiful woman. She is. I'd say, hey, way to write and direct your own movie, other guy, little guy. Josh Radner. Not so little.

No? Six feet. Really? Yeah. yeah okay guy who reads this little on television maybe because jason siegel's big jason siegel is a big man he's always he's like six three six four right yeah he's a big man he is a big man yeah he's a big man we just did a visual joke with him having a growth spurt and we had him up against some children and it was pretty it was pretty awesome it was exactly what you want did he palm their heads like basketballs no but that would have been great that would have been good he totally could he was lifting them when i made that sound yeah fyi that was an fyi to the people at home and also to my secretary transcribing it later how do do you spell FYI, Mr. Thorne?

Oh, Patches. I didn't hire her. Her name's Patches, by the way. I thought it was Peaches, but you're right. It's Patches. I misread it. My character bio. She tightens those pin curls too tight.

That's her problem. That's how she got that nickname. Some patches of her hair falling out from over tightening her pin curls well look we've got a lot of fun ahead of us on this week's jordan jesse go this has just been a taste official unofficial tammy sager look this is gonna be a blast we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Moore's boy detective. Tammy Sager, just general sweetheart. Can I take that? Yeah, absolutely. Well, she is. She's a real peach. A real patch. Jordan, can I check in with you about

something? Please. Because this is something I've been really curious about. Wouldn't you? I've been thinking about it a lot as I've been eating this box of premium jelly beans that my wife got me at Trader Joe's, which is, how are you doing on your... I should explain this to Tammy.

A few months ago, Jordan, in an effort to have a more... Actually, it's been a little more than a year. No way. It has. Wow. Yes. I would be so much more impressed if I knew what you were doing. Oh, that's right.

If I didn't need her, yeah. Jordan took a vow of silence that he is broken on this day. The first thing I said was that Arliss joke. I've been building that up. This guy had 500 pages of notes. He went back through them. He highlighted Arliss, brought it here, opened it up, and read it into the microphone. Jordan, in an effort to live a more healthy lifestyle,

gave up sugar. Yes. Well, I guess maybe more specifically sweets. He'll eat like a bread. Yeah, like a ketchup. Yeah. Sure. But yeah, I kind of decided to get rid of candy, desserts,

soda, sugar, and coffee. That kind of thing. And it's been going pretty good. There's been some lapses, of candy, desserts, soda, sugar and coffee, that kind of thing. Wow. And it's been going pretty good. There's been some lapses, like a cake at a wedding. There's a couple, a few margaritas with Mexican food. He ate a cake at a wedding. A whole cake, yes.

I married a cake in a wedding. And then ate it. But something good news is that he's Catholic, and it turns out if you eat your wife, that's an automatic annulment. Oh, okay. There you go. It's called transubstantiation.

It's very complicated. It involves the crown of thorns. Sure. But I had... So I had a lapse that kind of made me wonder how committed I am to this whole thing. It was our good buddy Chris Fairbanks' birthday. Yeah, very funny, popular guest on this program.

He had his birthday party at a bar like just on the corner where my house was. So I'm like, great, walking distance. So I walked and I just really just drank more than i have in a long time and then in my mind kind of what happened was that i walked home and went to sleep um and then and then i so this and then go to two days later i'm in my car and i i i have this overpowering the overpowering scent of syrup is in the car, just like Mrs. Butterworth's syrup. And I don't know where this is coming from. I don't know where it's coming from at all.

And then I look on my – the sweater I'm wearing was the same sweater I was wearing that night. And from – I swear to God, from shoulder to elbow is just caked in syrup. Like, imagine syrup on like a wool sweater. Oh my lord. And then I just got this crazy recovered memory, like this, like something that I had, that was not in my brain before. And then I remembered with crazy clarity of me, I didn't leave the bar and go home. crazy clarity of me i didn't leave the bar and go home i left the bar and walked like a mile to ihop and ate pancakes in a blackout state and apparently put my arm in in on the plate or in the syrup or in a pool of it somehow and so yeah i i i've been just by yourself by myself you just

i sat at the counter and just got not even even like a breakfast, not even like, oh, the Grand Slam. It was just pancakes. So you got so drunk that you weren't aware of what was going on around you. I love the recovered memory part of it. Like the children who had a doll to point. Yes, show me where you put the pancakes. Totally. Do you think it's possible that your parents were in a satanic cult and that's what caused you to eat the pancakes?

I mean, that would be nice if I had something to blame it on other than poor self-control. I have to say, when you first started telling the story of like being in a car and smelling syrup, my fear was that you drove in a blackout and got something and like you were discovering the scent oh yeah no i mean i was i was good enough to actually walk that's great so then i was like the fact that it would concern you not that you drove blind drunk right right exactly no jordan the real what really is the problem is you're drinking and driving i'm just relieved it was all over your sweater. Yes, it was. I'm worried now that you're going to start drinking in order to black out, in order to enable yourself to eat pancakes. Yeah, but I guess here's the good part of that, is that the pancakes included a mile walk to and from IHOP.

So maybe that cancels out the fact that... And we should mention that you were wearing Skechers shape-ups. So it used 5% more calories. Right. Absolutely. When I walked in here, you said, Jordan, you look a little more like Joe Montana today. Does he advertise that?

Yeah, I believe he does. Okay, thank you. You also threw me that perfect spiral. Right, exactly. And had a genesis game that wasn't as good as madden yep um so yeah so i'm wondering sports talk football i i get it mr thorne boy talk you men with you with your sports references um so, I'm kind of wondering, I guess I worry that maybe I've done other sugar eating in a blackout state that maybe I don't remember.

Have you been finding like sweet factory bags like lying around your house? Sweet factory. Like going to the mall and getting $8 a pound candy. I guess this is what I'm imagining right now. I'm imagining you in West Hollywood, California, going out to a bar, getting super wasted, then wandering home, getting on a bicycle, and bicycling to Orange County, where you

grew up, 30 miles away, and going to the Irvine Spectrum. To get an Orange Julius. To get an Orange Julius. I think 30 miles each way. I was just imagining just opening one of those troughs of candy at a bulk candy store and putting your head in. Right. I just slip the tea in behind the counter a hundo. And I just say, I'm going to take a little dive in these jawbreakers. You're drunk, so that's why you don't have the sense to not do it in the jawbreakers.

Yeah, exactly. Is that how you broke your jaw? It is, yeah. Slammed my face right into a pile of jawbreakers. Wow. You actually did that, Jordan. Yeah. You have been, I mean, you have openly admitted to me over the course of this time that you

have not been thinking about like candy or something like that. It has been pancakes that you're obsessed over. Sure. And yeah, I guess I finally just cracked. I finally guess I just had had enough. Of not having pancakes. Yes. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to eat pancakes anymore.

I was a man on a ledge. Tammy, have you ever like given something up for real? I have. What? A number of things. For 45 days, I gave up sugar and white flour and then fell off that ledge really hard. Oh, white flour.

That was probably tough. That combination was terrible. What was the thing that you missed the most? Everything. The whole damn thing. Food that tastes good. I missed a purpose. It's intense to give up

something that big. All that's left is bacon, right? And I don't eat bacon. Oh, no! You don't eat hog? I don't eat hog. You don't mess with hog? I don't mess with hog oh no

and i i guess there's also part of me that worries that like that like i don't know i feel like you know blackout drunkenness is reserved to do like you know to do to like let your id go crazy and like your let your innermost desires come out like oh no that's that is what my animal self wants to do. Sit alone at IHOP and eat pancakes. So your biggest concern is that you're like a sad, sad middle-aged lady. Right, yeah, exactly. I'm like, you know.

You're a Kathy cartoon. I need to treat myself. Ack. Yeah. Jinx. Yeah. Jinx. Oy. Yeah. But yeah, maybe I should try something else in my next blackouts.

I don't know. Maybe I should get into a fight or... Gay sex in the park? Yeah. You're in West Hollywood, dude. Yeah, there's lots of... Get some regrets. I know, right?

If my theme for 2012 is going to be more powerful than ever, maybe yours should be get some regrets. Maybe it should just be more interesting blackouts. But with Ambien, that's like what they've discovered, right? That there's a lot of Ambien-fueled eating that happens. Oh. I didn't know that. Yeah.

Huh. One of the things, is Ambien the one where when you go off it you go completely ape shit oh i don't know maybe that's not ambient no it's it's the one for social anxiety that's the one that uh you go completely ape shit when you're trying to go off more powerful than ever though right yeah that would you should go on that one yeah to fulfill your resolution and then just drop it cold turkey and flip the fuck out. Yeah. Just fucking wild out. Because wasn't it also more ape slash more powerful than ever?

Yeah. Go ape. There was this lady. I don't know if I've ever talked about this lady on Jordan, Jessica, but she's a real... She's a real... She's a real... Hey, my secretary's not supposed to talk to me about my wife. There's this lady on... There was this lady... Are we going to the Waldorf after this, Mr. T?

Sorry, I'm the secretary now. That's okay. I don't mind, Mr. M. I'm an important... My cell's divided and I reproduce like an amoeba. When I was in high school I used to take the 26 Valencia To high school And this bus

Ran from It was a great bus A lot of San Franciscans right now are mentally high-fiving me Huge boners They're really into that bus And they're fucking a loaf of sourdough bread. Hollow it out to later scoop in clam chowder.

That's what San Franciscans do when they get excited, right? There's no... Clam chowder, not an actual thing that San Franciscans eat. Sourdough bread, yes. When you hollow out the bread bowl, what do you guys put in there, if not clam chowder? Maybe horchata. Okay.

Put some horchata in there. Bread bowls are, yeah, bread bowls only exist on Fisherman's Wharf. Gay marriage, right? Which has actually been annexed out of San Francisco. It's just, it's an independent nation. Tourist island. Yeah. Fisherman's Wharf.

Exactly. It has its own police force. Its own pickpocket. Homosexuality is actually illegal there. Fisherman's Wharf. Exactly. It has its own police force. Its own pickpocket. Homosexuality is actually illegal there. Oh, Fisherman's Wharf is a bummer. Yeah. No, it's a real situation. But painting yourself silver as a human robot, that's...

Well, that's required. Yeah, that's mandatory in order to vote. When citizens reach 18. To be arrested. To vote for the new mayor of TGI Fridays. The Rainforest Cafe. The Rainforest Cafe. The Rainforest Cafe. Bubba Gumps is threatening a coup.

So you're on the 26th Valencia. So on the 26th Valencia, it went down this street called Brotherhood Way. That was in approximately the sort of neighborhood you would expect Brotherhood Way to be in. And what you might call an urban neighborhood. Oh, I might have guessed gay. Yeah, I was going to say Martin Luther King Drive is always... Okay. It was a Martin Luther King Drive-like neighborhood.

Although it was a part of San Francisco that's a little bit more sparsely populated. So it's not like... Because you don't see black people. You literally can't see them. Like the Indians couldn't see boats. They're there. It's not sparsely populated. It's actually very dense.

Well, it's maybe more like a white people's vision is like a T-Rex. If they can't move if they're standing still and every time the bus would come by everyone it's actually it's actually more like i believe that all black people are actually quetzalcoatl oh wow you went deep what's that oh that's what that's what the Aztecs thought Cortez was. Oh my God, that was like straight up thick slides of Wikipedia. Okay, so when the 26th would go down Brotherhood Way, there was this lady who would walk down Brotherhood Way. And this was early in the morning.

And so it was very quiet. And like I said, like a little bit shady neighborhood, not a super shady neighborhood, but early in the morning, sort of sparsely populated. So you could see why she would do this. And she was like a middle-aged, slightly overweight black lady who would wear a full-on sweatsuit, like head-to-toe full-on sweatsuit. Different colors, but like purple would be a good example. Not like a track suit, a sweatsuit. Okay. A classic sweatsuit. Would the top always match the pants?

Yes. Oh, yes. Absolutely. So she appreciated the suit. Oh, undoubtedly. And I think the sneakers would match the whole outfit. Oh, I love her now. The whole operation would match.

And like a headband would match. So she had not given up. She was trying hard. I'm telling you, this woman's an American hero. Okay. Okay. operation would match and like a headband would match so she had not given up she was oh no this woman i'm telling you this woman's an american hero okay okay so this woman would be power walking oh this was not a runner this woman has not run in 20 25 years in those hips yeah no she doesn't have hand weights and i'll tell you why her hands are otherwise occupied um she's power walking down the street. She may have had ankle weights on.

But you know what? I probably not. It's not this lady's deal. In one of her hands, her left hand empty. Just clenched in a fist for power walking. In her other hand, a fucking collapsible baton. Just a fucking ass kicking policeman's baton. That she could not like a parade leading baton like a kapow take that you long hair baton for kicking ass anytime shit if she were threatened

if shit went down gate was interrupted yeah just yeah just if somebody got in her way, pow, bam, take that, motherfucker. Nice. Every day she's out there power walking, she's got a baton in her hand. And you know what? Like, at first when I saw that, I thought, that's horrifying. Why is this woman carrying a weapon? It's like, why would she be walking? It's like as though she was walking down the street with brass knuckles on or something like that.

You know what I mean? But then I thought, you know what? Let's say I'm an early morning mugger or rapist. Who am I going to mug rape? Am I going to mug rape the lady with the baton? Technically, it's a murrape. Okay. Sorry.

I didn't realize you were an expert. Yeah, but who are you going to murrape? The lady with the baton or? A different lady. Yeah. I think you go different lady. Door number two. Yeah. Thank you you go different lady. Door number two. Yeah.

Thank you very much. That's why this lady is such a fucking kick-ass... Or maybe you just clean up your life. Yeah. And you stop being a rapist. Yeah. You turn that train around. Yeah.

Head over to the Salvation Army. Get yourself some job training. Learn to be a bagpiper. A b-piper. M-raper to b-piper. Mraper to Bipiper. The Jonathan Smith story. I love that lady too. Isn't that an awesome lady?

I love her. She doesn't fuck around. I bet she doesn't fuck around with her grandbabies either. No. They're on the straight and narrow. They're fucking A students. Wait. I thought she was just middle-aged.

She has grandbabies? This lady is a middle-aged lady with grandbabies. She's like 55. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, I like that you say that's middle-aged. She's going to be 110. Yeah. Okay.

Sure. Easy. I mean, what with her daily aerobic exercise. You know what? Straight up. Yeah. And no one's going to murder her. No, they are not.

Because she just hit them with a baton. She eats a lot of pancakes, probably, this lady. Maybe waffles. Wait, did you tell the story, are you suggesting that I should get a baton the next time I'm in a syrup-driven fugue state? I mean, it could potentially be, I mean, I'm just saying it could potentially be a good strategy for you in terms of building up a few regrets i i am loving the fugue state phrase but it's also what if you turn your life around and play a fugue on your pipes yeah or even your drunken fugue state i like that that's you know what she's like i'm not gonna carry mace i'm not gonna because i not going to carry brass knuckles because they might not see that from far away.

I don't want trouble. She wants something that reads. Yeah, exactly. It's not that she wants to protect herself. It's like stage makeup. Exactly. She wants to project. Yeah.

It's not important what it looks like up close. It's what it looks like from across the street, down the block. It's like in high school. Right. from across the street, down the block. It's like in high school. Right. When a 14-year-old girl had to play a sex pot and she would draw on cleavage.

Right. Up close. Yeah. I never had to do that. I blossomed early. We did. That's my twin. Is it okay if she sits in the corner

and watches me type, Mr. Thorne? I'm the evil one. Who will be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tammy, say you're feeling bad. No.

I feel good. I feel good. Tammy say you're feeling bad No Feel good I feel good But you know Sometimes I feel like My empathy muscle Is too overworked So if I see somebody A little bit down

I'm like I know Come on Come on you guys Tammy's upset Because I'm tired Because my baby Was sick last night He hasn't slept at all

This is what happens With a baby, Jordan, just so you know. You've probably got a couple of these, but you haven't met any of them. Yeah. Well, when I find out that one's on the way, I... You've got a lot of badder babies. Yeah. A lot of pancakes you've been fucking. I have fucked a lot of pancakes and a lot of Denny's.

The baby, one of the things about babies is they don't know anything. They really don't know anything. Like, they don't know the basicest stuff. And I'm not even talking about how to talk. Like, obviously, they don't know how to talk. They think basicest is a word. Obviously, they don't know how to talk. They think basicist is a word.

It's clear that they don't know how to talk or play baseball or anything, right? I mean, they don't know how to ride a bike. We all know that. I don't know how to ride a bike. They don't know how to go to sleep. Your childhood, never bike ride? No. Huh.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take over with that, but I really don't know how to ride you were you did they ever try and teach you my i don't think my parents did my sister tried at one point and uh your parents just didn't try and teach you maybe they did you know how to swim i do know how to swim i do know how to swim that was that was an effort but uh i think they maybe tried i'm kind of a chicken. And then I'm the youngest. And they're like, ugh. They were just worn out. They were just like, just do your homework. And in that time, I've tried to learn several times.

And the last time was sort of the most successful. Like, I can go a little bit. But then I panic that I'm going to fall over, that I can't break. And then when you do that. Yeah, yeah. I guess it's a psychological hump you have to get over. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. The thing is, here's the thing. I'm going to, I'm going to engage this just for a second. Okay. Okay. Riding a bike is a little bit hard. It is. Because I learned when I learned to drive a car.

I didn't learn to drive a car until I was 21 or something like that. I didn't learn until I was 27. Yeah. And I wouldn't have learned to drive a car had I stayed in San Francisco. I might not have learned to drive a car. And if I lived in New York or something, I might not learn to drive a car. But when I did learn to drive a car, I still don't know how to drive a manual transmission. But learning to drive an automatic transmission car,

I was like, oh, this is really easy. This is all there is. It's just, it's exactly what you think it would be. There's no surprises here. But learning to- Basically, like the car-based video games and arcades are pretty accurate. Yeah, exactly.

Radmobile. However- It's pretty- However, learning to ride a bicycle is genuinely kind of scary and you do fall over and hurt yourself if you fuck up but then once you get it then you're done then you're it's all settled then it's like riding a bicycle you don't i've heard it i've heard that it's a lot like riding a bicycle yeah so i have heard now for me the issue of velocity as I was learning to drive a car was frightening

because I don't know how to ride a bike. So the only pace I'm used to being in control of is walking or my very slow version of jogging. So going on the gas pedal was... We should explain you've created your own version of jogging. Called Tammy Sager's jogger size. It's me and the baton lady protecting me.

Anyway, so yes. So for me, I love that driving a car came so naturally to you. But for me, I was like, I'm going really fast. What was the occasion of learning,

of getting your driver's license? I was moving to LA. Oh, well, there you go. So it was, I just, I had to learn in two weeks. Oh, wow. Okay, so your baby, your baby doesn't know anything. So your baby's moving to LA. Oh, well, there you go. So it was, I just, I had to learn in two weeks. Oh, wow. Okay.

So your baby, your baby doesn't know anything. So your baby's moving to LA. One thing that happens that, like my baby is sick and my baby is not sick in the sense that he has some life threatening illness. Thank God. He was, we, we call the, we, you know, the, we have an HMO and there's an advice nurse. We call the advice nurse and they had us bring him into the doctor. We brought him into the doctor the other day, and they said, yeah, he's just got a cold.

He'll never ride a bike again. Too phlegmy. The baby's totally fine. He's just got a little bit of a cough and a little bit of a runny nose, which is inconvenient for a normal human being. a human a an adult that's an inconvenience but a baby doesn't know how to go to sleep and so what happens when a baby has a cold is he coughs that wakes him up and then he's like holy shit i'm'm awake. Am I going to die? Is something horrible happening? Oh, I'm awake now. Well, I better start crying.

Yeah. Will I ever learn about object permanence? And the big baby questions just start to come, you know? Well, I mean, if you think about it, he's just been used to breathing for five months now, right? Right. The first nine months, he didn't even have to think about that. five months now, right? Right. The first nine months, he didn't even have to think about that. And now his form of breathing is totally different because the nose is completely cut off.

And he doesn't know that that's not a permanent situation. He doesn't know fucking anything. This is his first cold. He doesn't know life is going to be full of colds and flus. Yeah, if he's lucky. If we're all lucky, right? Yeah. But what's hilarious just the i i mean is

it is it is amazing to me that this kid he wakes himself up and then he doesn't know what to do like you or i we wake ourselves up and we're like oh well i'm awake but it's nighttime so back to sleep in fairness i, I will cry sometimes. Right. You'll cry a little bit. Just a little bit. You should teach your baby to put on a Simpsons TV. That's what I like to do when I can't sleep.

Teach your baby to smoke a joint. Yeah. I mean, you do some Ambien eating sometimes when you wake up in the middle of the night. Exactly. Peanut butter and banana sandwich or something. But I've been having, I don't know, I'm sort of worn out from that, but I've been having these powerful, I have these powerful dad feelings sometimes. I watched this movie called Undefeated the other day. This is a documentary about a high school football coach.

And the high school, it's an excellent film, excellent documentary. It is basically exactly what you think it would be, which is to say that it's about this white guy that's volunteering in this inner city

public school football team and he teaches them all the value of team work. Yeah, exactly. He teaches them to carry batons onto the football field. You know, he used to be a car salesman. Now he runs a lumberyard. And all the kids on his team speak with such heavy Memphis accents that they literally have to put subtitles on the screen.

Because it's as though they're not saying words it's amazing these are like 17 year olds and it is seriously as though they are not saying words do you think in memphis they put subtitles on regular shows do you think that they have i think they may have subtitles in real life yeah like when kids in memphis watch fraier. Right, right. I was thinking that just down at the liquor store, like if you just say like, can I get a six pack

of Marlboro Reds or whatever, can I get a hard pack of Marlboro Reds? There's subtitles. Yeah. Subtitles just pop up just so the guy

at the liquor store knows what the fuck you're saying. Yeah. But it's basically the story of this movie is that this guy didn't have a father growing up.

And he is essentially, you know, he's a volunteer coach of this team. And he is essentially acting them. None of these kids have fathers. So this is a prequel to Unstoppable? The Denzel Washington Runaway movie it's it happens in the same universe right it's a prequel to unstoppable and a sequel to unfathered oh okay yes it's part of the universe um and uh so funiverse these kids, like, there was something that really... When you say undefeated, is fun defeated?

Would that be your blurb? So the team goes five and five. There's something crazy. One of the crazy things about this movie is it has this kind of... It shows this kind of poverty that I'm really not used to. I grew up in an inner-city neighborhood, but it was... And so when I see that kind of housing projects-type poverty, I recognize that reasonably. Not that I grew up in that.

I grew up in a... Mansion. On a runaway train. Like, there was always food on my table. I would never lived in housing projects. But I did live on the next block over from the housing project. Absolutely, absolutely. But that kind of like urban, you know, inner city type thing, I understand reasonably well. Poverty, which is just like abandoned houses, like houses with prices spray painted on the front of them that say like $20,000.

Call this number. Yeah. You just buy this house for $20,000. Have you ever been to Detroit? Like Detroit. I have not been to Detroit, but I've seen. I spent a few days in Detroit when I was working at Second City because they have a second city there and walking around that city it just if the the city feels abandoned right it's like a it's a ghost town and that is going on in this particular part of memphis i mean

that's not certainly not all of memphis in detroit at least like jack white's trying to clean it up right he has a little he has a little shop that sells vintage corncob pipes. He's a haberdashery where he's teaching the kids how to block hats. And pictures of him shaking hands with Conan O'Brien. Sure, yeah.

It's just shots of these people who live in... These kids live in houses. They live in houses, but, they live in houses. But the houses also have mattresses without sheets. Yeah. And also holes in the walls. It's like in Breaking Bad when he goes to that...

I haven't seen Breaking Bad. I've seen it, yeah. There's a lot of crystal meth and some of that crystal meth living is pretty grim. Yeah. And so anyway, this guy... That's the summary of Breaking Bad. P.S.

It's some of the finest television. It's great. And sometimes a fridge falls on your head, and you die. And so the sort of part of the big conflict of this um part of the big conflict of this film is essentially him being a father to these kids on his football team right and he has a family of his own and he is an obsessive football coach and him struggling with trying to deal with the fact that him being the coach of this football team is making him not be a dad to his own kids. Why don't his kids get better at football?

Seems like a pretty simple solution. Yeah. Get out there and throw the ball through the tire. How old are his kids? His kids are not high school age. Okay. But anyway, there's a lot of sports movie shit that happens in this movie.

I fucking cried. I'm not going to tell you what the big reveals are. And I think people should go see this movie. I think it's one of the best sports documentaries I've ever seen, frankly. Is it out in the theaters? I believe it is in select theaters now. It's in a staged release, I think. But it's really excellent i mean it's it's like i said there are there it is um you know i mean there there are sports movie

cliches there are non-sports movie cliches both but um it's just really excellently made and i am very sensitive to movies about white people saving black people. Because you have a number that you've saved. I mean, that's sort of what I'm into. Because you wrote The Help. Right. I wrote the movie The Help. I think I've sort of put the cherry on the top of that sundae.

You go as Bagger Vance for every Halloween. Exactly. The fact that it's a documentary makes a difference. But I fucking cried like a bitch. I bet. Like four times. Well, undefeated, like already metaphorically, you're in the

tear duct is welling position. Because I have a feeling that that might be talking about their spirits. Yeah. I have a funny mind. might be talking about their spirits. Yeah. I have a funny thought. Hey, guys. You know, football, it's more than just a game. It has some meaning apart from that.

Radio. We thought we were teaching radio. Yeah. Radio was teaching us. Exactly. Wasn't that a football movie? It was. It was a combination of football.

It was a combination of football and retard. Sorry. Developmental disability. Excuse me. combination of football and retardant. Sorry. Developmental disability. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Cuba Gooding Jr. Can Cuba Gooding Jr. please become now the word? And I would like it for, yeah, for it to be sensitive.

Yeah. So, Jessie, tell me about this. Tell me what's your, I guess I don't know what's your propensity to cry in a movie. How many... Can you count the movies that you've cried in? Do you know them all by title? I don't remember really crying in any other movies. But I know I have.

I know Babe Pig in the City. Wait, not even Babe? Babe Pig in the City? Yeah, Babe Pig in the City. Wait, not even Babe? Babe Pig in the City? Yeah, Babe Pig in the City. Jesse only cries in sequels. Because Babe Pig in the City was kind of like the one that was like a little more magical, a little weirder. A little darker.

Yeah. I'm really into the power of friendship. And that's sort of what Babe Pig in the City is about. Babe Pig in the City is also a little bit more intense and a little bit darker. Yeah. And that made it a little more vivid for me, I think, whereas Babe is a little sweeter. I also love Babe.

Don't get me wrong here. I may have cried in a couple of Pixar movies. Sure. I'm trying to think. I think Up I probably cried in and Toy Story 3 maybe. I mean, they're just going for it in Pixar movies. But I'm not a big crier in movies. Most movies that you would cry in just pissed me off.

Because you feel the obvious manipulation. Because I'm just like, go fuck yourself. Yeah. And I just don't enjoy that kind of movie generally. You know what I mean? Like a... Like a notebook. Yeah. Like a bow.'t enjoy that kind of movie generally. You know what I mean? Like a notebook. Yeah. Like a bow.

I enjoy that. I mean, that has its place. I mean, I'll jack off to that. Sure. You know. You put the gauze up there and I'll get my dick out there. Start jerking it. Yeah.

I actually this weekend cried in my third movie of all time. I like that you guys say you cried in the movie and not at the movie. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, and this wasn't even in a theater. This was in my home, too. It's not an act of aggression. Yeah. You cried with the movie.

Ah, stop! You're crying and shaking your pants. um and i and i crying and shaking your face and i guess jesse i mean it sounds like you can kind of like pinpoint why you cried in this movie like you kind of know what it was yeah that you know that flicked your bean yeah that flicked your tear bean is is this is a tear bean is that like an emotional prostate yeah or an emotional clitoris but yeah um so i uh I watched the movie the future uh-huh have you guys seen this I don't know what this is this is a Miranda July movie oh yeah I did see I

saw this movie this is the one with the cat and and that's not a huge part of the movie okay so so this is and I. So this is maybe what you would call a cutesy pie indie movie, which I had kind of sworn off, but then I had a really good experience with both Beginners and Summerine. Beginners is fantastic. Isn't it great? It's fantastic. It's really, really great. I should say, after I said that I didn't know what this movie is is i remembered that i actually saw this movie and know exactly what it is and

um i think that the the the previews of this movie made it look like it was a talking cat movie right uh the cat does talk in a few sequences uh but it's the furthest thing from a talking cat movie right and the cat and i just and then also i just I just said that the cat is the sort of whole driving force of the movie, but it's a largely off-screen presence. Sure. So kind of what this is about is it's about this very cute indie couple with an adorable vintage-only house. Okay.

And they're in their mid-30s and they're kind of just like schlubbing around. They're like – you know, they're on their computer all the time and they have all these like weird projects they want to do but they just don't end up doing them. They, you know, talk about stuff more than they actually do it. And then they decide to adopt this cat. And so the vet tells them that they can come back in a month for the cat after it's had all its shots. And then so periodically you, so it's them living their lives and trying to like,

you know, achieve their dreams. And then occasionally you go back to this cat who is, and you can hear it and you don't even really see it. It's kind of from the cat's point of view and you can hear it talking and it's just talking about like how how excited it is for them to come get it and also like the cat wondering what time is like the cat knows it's going to be a month but it is talking about how it doesn't understand that it's going to take a month for them to come and uh for whatever reason i 30 minutes into, we're talking like second cat talk appearance, I just start bawling uncontrolled, like to the point where I maybe think my,

like my neighbors might be afraid. And it's weird. So this is like the third movie I've cried in. The first one was My Girl, which is this movie, this like period. It's where they star Macaulay Culkin. It totally stars Macaulay Culkin and Dan Aykroyd. And that cute girl who's making resurgence now.

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. I know who you mean, but yeah. And the other one was Braveheart. I never saw it. It's, you know, it's one of those. So, yeah, and I don't really know what this is, and I hate to think it's just because I'm a cat owner

And now cat shit Flicks my tear bean That um I have to say that The reason we were thinking about booking Miranda July On the Sound of Young America when that movie came out And she had been on the Sound of Young America When Me, You and Everyone We Know came out

And Me, You and Everyone We Know Which I also really liked Was a pretty intense movie. It also had, and I won't spoil it here for people who have not yet seen the movie because they ought to watch it,

maybe the funniest scene I've ever seen in a movie in my entire life. Yeah. Yes, that scene. I just did a hand motion. She did a hand motion. That a hand motion that's the one and John Hawks is in it and he's fantastic it was one of the

and it was in and so it was appropriate for the sound of young America and I was expecting something like that from this movie based especially

on the fact that there was a talking cat in the trailers I thought there will be some emotional there will be some emotional realism there will also be some funny parts.

Actually, I found the movie just emotionally brutal. Totally. Yeah, it is. And I think aside, it is like because essentially it is the story of them. And I'm working from a year old memory of having watching this movie but it is the story of them not getting they're not it is the story of them not becoming grown-ups right yeah exactly it's it's them kind of kind of sort of realizing that you know they're just these adult children and then just not being able to get their shit together to grow up.

Yeah. And that is usually the, and you realize very quickly, like this is all, this is always presented as a joke and Holy shit. Miranda July is actually just going to show it to you. Wow. And you keep thinking like this is a joke and then you realize, Oh no,

actually this isn't a joke. That's genuinely genuinely this is something that she is actually scared of in her real life and she's just showing it to you yeah yeah no it's so funny because yeah you have that you know you have the idea of arrested development which seems to be like super popular you know like the super bads and the knocked ups of the world are like the most popular comedies or that maybe not super bad that's those are actual children right but there's that movie was uh was it with like matthew mcconaughey living at home oh sure failure to launch yeah exactly yeah yeah whole idea of yeah failing and yeah they are these like and yeah it

is this it is funny school this was kind of the dark side of that yeah it's the realer side what's ironic is that her i don't know if it's her husband or her partner, is the one who made Beginners. And then she's made these amazing movies and also written these books and does these amazing art projects. So she talks about the fear of, I guess, procrastinating at life. And actually, she's way more productive than me and everyone I know. I know, yeah. You, me, and everyone I know. I know, yeah. You and everyone we know. Yeah, it is tough to look at that message from someone who is super-duper accomplished.

Yeah. One time I ran into her at a coffee shop in Silver Lake. She was having coffee with Starley Kine. Sometime this American Life producer, Starley Kine. I saw Starley Kine first. I was like... They were both knitting, right? Yeah.

Or making origami. They were both just saying angry things under their breath. And Starley Kine, some of you were like, oh, hey, Jesse. And I was like, oh, that's not a good impression of Starley Kine, by the way. She's incapable of mustering that level of enthusiasm for anything in her voice. It's more like, hey, Jesse. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jesse. And so Starley said hi. It's more like, hey, Jesse. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Jesse. And so Starley said hi, and I was like, oh, hi, Miranda.

And just the coolest reception you could receive from another human being. Like ice cold. Just ice cold. But that woman must have the most demands put upon her by people that walk up to her at coffee shops in Silver Lake. Yes. If you see Miranda July and you're a Miranda July fan, there's...

Yeah, that's got to be a lot. You've got a scrapbook you'd like to show her that you carry with you. I once did a show with Starlee at Bumbershoot in Seattle, which would be another place where Miranda July would be swallowed up whole. And it was a cloud of fucking liquid gel.

Well, she also like one of her art projects is like make your own art and like soliciting art from people. So I'm sure there's just a lot of outside adoration, stimulation input. Anyway, Star a lot of outside adoration stimulation input. Anyway, Starlee, speaking of outside adulation, there was this group. It was a storytelling show. And performing in front of an audience that almost exclusively was there because of Starlee.

Sure. Like, just. I was like, yeah, the little piece of cat shit that was on before Starly. Just like... Did you just want to yell at them, I invented werewolf bar mitzvah. I'm a person. Had you invented it at that point? I had not.

I had not gone into my lab and mixed up things with speakers. Are you the average audience member? If I were you, Tammy, just in future just if a situation like this ever comes up i would get some business cards printed out let's say tammy sager i thought of boys becoming men just in case shit goes down if you ever get in a hostile reaction from a crowd if you ever run into miranda july at a coffee shop and she's being kind of distant you can just hand that card to someone they'll look at it and they'll be like if you ever run into Miranda July at a coffee shop and she's being kind of distant, you can just hand that card to someone.

They'll look at it and they'll be like, oh, wait, you invented boys becoming men, men becoming wolves? That's like the best thing that's ever been on television. So one thing that happened was before... They'll probably just give you $20. That would be kind of awesome. One thing that happened at that show is beforehand, you know, they're

showing us like, okay, where do we stand? And, you know, it was like in a big stage and there's microphones. Look, I've performed at a show. Tammy, you don't need to explain to me what it's like to perform at Bumbershoot. I'm the voice of the theater at Bumbershoot, Tammy. I guess I'm telling more other people. I tell people

how to turn off their cell phones at Bumbershoot. Tammy, I did shrooms and watched Cold War Kids at Bumbershoot, Tammy. I guess I'm telling for other people. I tell people how to turn off their cell phones. Tammy, I did shrooms and watched Cold War Kids at Bumbershoot. Well, I was there. I fucked a band of horses in the ass at Bumbershoot. Well, I was there for 36 hours. While Beck watched.

I told you how wrong it was to do gay stuff because he's a Scientologist, right? Yep, exactly. I curated you. Anyway. Sorry. Anyway, so while they're leading us through this and there's all these union guys, we can't handle anything. Star Lee puts her water down on the grand piano, which makes my heart stop because you don't you don't disrespect

the fucking piano with that sure even if you're friends with phil collins exactly that is another deep cut for a one starly kind story i like that you go for the deep cut yeah um so she does it and it's all... My motto is the first cut should be the deep end. Sorry, go ahead. So she puts it down and it's all I can do to not be like, you shouldn't do that to the... It's gonna leave a ring. Yeah, it's not a good thing to do. And sure enough, then this huge burly union guy comes and yells at her.

And he comes so strong. And she just, I don't know how she did this. But somehow she did something where all of a sudden I'm getting in the fight with the union guy sticking up for her for a side that I don't even believe in. So you're coming out as pro-water on the piano. Yeah. You believe that it's a woman's right to put water on a piano. I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden I'm like, you're being really rude. Even though I totally agree with him, and then a friend of mine who knows her was like, that happens all the time, where people are always in fights over her and protecting her.

Right. But somehow that, you you know she is never in that argument she is always somehow so you were kind of like her familiar i don't know what that is it's like a wizard yeah like a wizard will have like a like a like a friend that he summons yeah like a monkey that fights a monster I was her familiar. I felt someone like a monkey. What happens with the vampire? Vampires have a human that they hypnotize.

Hypnotize. She glamored? Hypnotized. Hypnotized. In True Blood, they call it glamoring someone. Oh, really? She glamored me. That's just when they give them a makeover. We should explain true

blood is a show where vampires give women makeovers and then have sex with them that'd be kind of awesome that is a that is one of the sub stories on true on true blood correct is that correct that's the liza minnelli subplot on true blood right i don't have a sophisticated understanding. All I know is that it's a gay vampire show. I like a vampire makeover show. I want to do your colors. You look like an autumn to me. That blouse? Blah.

Blah. Who are you? Tammy Faye? Have you guys ever sleepwalked? Slepwalked? Yeah. Once as a kid, I went outside. And yeah.

There's nothing interesting happened. I'm laughing about vampires right now. I'm busy. vampires right now. I'm busy. You're in a fugue state of giggles. I love vamps. No, I sleptwalk once and went outside, and my mom loves to tell that story, but it doesn't have a punchline, and then I get kind of mad at her. I'm like, Mom, yeah, I sleptwalked outside once. Get a fucking punchline.

Stop telling everyone. Anyway. Have you ever sleepwalked? No. Did you say sleptwalked? Sleptwalked. Sounds like a lot ofline. Stop telling everyone. Anyway. Have you ever sleepwalked? No. Did you say sleptwalked? Sleptwalked. Sounds like a lot of past tense. Slipworked.

Slipworked. Slipknot. Warhorse. Just say slipknot. Anyway, the point of it is, is the one time I did it also as a child, I had that same sensation of, I knew I was going to trip over my dog as I was walking. Like, I knew that was going to happen, my dog as I was walking. Like I knew that was going to happen, but my dog wasn't in my dream.

And so, and that eventually ended up being what woke me up is tripping over my dog. And it was a little bit like that of like, I knew I disagreed with her position, even as I'm arguing for her position. So it did kind of feel like I was being glamored. I was her familiar. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Patches, secretary. Patches, that doesn't look like shorthand to me.

That actually just looks like little drawings of barnyard creatures. Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about the old farm where I grew up. Well, fair enough. Hey, guys, it's me thinking about the old farm where I grew up. Well, fair enough. Hey, guys, it's me, Patches' genetic twin. Sometimes I cut myself just to feel something. Ah, snatches. Snatches.

We was brought up in the backyard with the 30 cats. We had to fight them for food. Well, should we do our commercial announcements? Yes. Hatches and Snatches, coming this fall to CBS. Should I press record for this commercial, Mr. Thorne? First of all, thank you to our sponsor on this week's program stack soap uh coming to you from stacksoap.com uh i think we explained really well what stack soap was on the last show

it is a finally finally a concave soap so that when your soap gets down to a sliver it has a nice soap hole for your soap sliver to go into the next soap it's just like it's for soap fucking

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six bars of Stack Soap, and then you just pay them what you think they're worth. It's like the Coldplay model. Yeah, absolutely. I think they've based this whole thing on Coldplay. This is the Milo Zydeco of soap, right? The name of that Coldplay album? I don't know. It's got some silly name.

Go to stacksoap.com. Of course, our friends at makepixelart.com. You can go there for all your pixel art making needs. It's really good for drawing pictures of Super Mario Brothers, Daffy Dills. My genitalia are pixelated. That's true. This is an R-rated program. So we have had to pixelate my secretary's genitalia.

All of that online at MakePixelArt.com. And we've got something up on the Jumbotron this week. Jumbotron is just like the Jumbotron at the ballpark. You give us a couple hundred bucks. We throw your name up there. It's your birthday. You got a business visiting the ballpark this week. This week, typodermic fonts.

Like hypodermic. It's for font junkies, I presume. I presume. It's for font junkies, I presume. Yeah. I presume that it's for font junkies. When you want to get your fonts intravenously. Yeah. Ray, who I thought it was interesting that Ray is a Canadian living in Japan. I think we have a lot of followers who are from English-speaking countries, live in non-English-speaking countries, and they just need to hear something in English, and we're good enough.

That's their motto. Now, Ray, if you were American, his name would just be R. Yeah. But since he's Canadian, it's R. Yay! It's R, comma, E-H, Ray. Come on. yay it's r comma e h ray come on um i'm a funk junkie i totally paused there i'm sorry i second guessed that as i was doing it okay go ahead um ray makes fonts a lot of the fonts are free fonts. Some of the fonts are not free fonts that you can buy for your projects or what have you.

You can embed the fonts in web pages. You can use them in apps. You can use them in commercial applications. You can modify them, pretty much anything you want. You can go to typodermicfonts.com or just look up typodermic. You can look it up in all your various places you get fonts to. You know, I don't know, fonts.com, fontstore.com. Should I bing it?

Just go ahead and bing that. You want us to bing that for you, Mr. T? Snatches, you don't know how to use a computer. Go ahead and bing typodermic. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor an episode of the show, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Wow. I'm Patch's surrogate mom radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Meow. I'm Patch's surrogate mom. No, you're not. No, you're How I Met Your Mother writer-producer Tammy Sager. Ah, busted.

I just busted you big time. It's true. She told me how to catch a bird and kill it with my jaws. Meow. You guys. You guys are having too much fun. Let's go to the telephone calls Hey Jordan, Jesse Go This is Bart from Dallas

Calling with a momentous occasion My 80 year old grandmother Is in a chorus And it's like 70% gays and lesbians But she wanted an activity We could do together So she invited me, her straight grandson To audition for the chorus.

And I did that tonight. Based on Jesse's recommendation, my audition piece was Sail Away by Randy Newman. And guys, I crushed that shit. That's right. Everyone was like, you are in. I said 2012, more powerful than ever. Thanks a lot, Jesse. I didn't...

I recommended... Now, I should say that on Bullseye, on a recent episode of Bullseye, I recommended the Randy Newman album, Sail Away. It's one of my favorite albums. I think a very brilliant album. And the title song of that album, Sail Away, is a very brilliant song.

So I would say that I recommend that song. I recommend listening to that song. You don't recommend auditioning for an elderly, predominantly gay chorus with that song. I'll tell you what that song is. Crushing it. Fucking crushed it.

I fucking crushed that elderly chorus. That song... Then we're gonna pound some brews. That song is... Well, you know the song Amazing Grace? Yes. I fucking crushed that song in fourth grade so hard. So Amazing Grace was written by. Then I pounded a Capri Sun.

Amazing Grace was written by a slave owner turned abolitionist about becoming an abolitionist and about turning to God and becoming an abolitionist. And just aborting those babies. And the grace is... No, not an abortionist. What? Nobody's ever made that joke.

No. And so that's what Amazing Grace is about. It's about the saved a wretch like me is saved a slaver and turned him into someone who understood that that was wrong. So Sail Away, the Randy Newman song, is a song that he wrote

from the perspective of that guy had he not had a change of heart. So it's essentially a song pitch for slavery you're kidding yeah he goes sail away we will cross the mighty ocean and the charleston bay he's talking about we'll bring you from africa to the united states yeah you'll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree. It's great to be an American. That's Randy Newman's thing. Okay. That's what Randy Newman's all about.

He's about acerbic irony. So what I'm saying is... And beautiful melodies. And beautiful melodies. I can't tell if you're serious or not. Oh, yeah. I'm deadly serious. That's exactly what the song is about.

It's a beautiful song, but it is a bitterly ironic song. I mean, the idea of the song is to say, when we sing Amazing Grace, we sort of allow ourselves to believe that redemption is the storyline of America, when in fact, the reality is that as this guy who was writing Amazing Grace had redeemed himself, there was still slavery in America. And the vast majority of slavers at the time were still enslaving people. You guys, I just read Gone with the Wind like two weeks ago. Have you guys ever read that? I have not, no. I've been told it's a great book. I mostly just listen to Randy Newman albums.

I've been told it's a great book. I mostly just listen to Randy Newman albums. The racism, it's like... Right. It is astounding. Right. It's astounding because it's also... Like some of it is filtered through the characters, but I've heard like it's an anti-war book

and blah, blah, blah. But there's just certain points of the book where it's like... You're just like, whoa, that's that schism. It is. I mean, there is a genuine feeling that the good plantation owners knew how to take care of black people better than they knew how to take care of themselves.

It is so shocking. And I'm plowing through over a thousand pages of like, okay, I'm liking the romance part. From time to time. You're describing how I feel when I watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I'm enjoying the math. The best thing.

A special gift that I would like that was given to me. David and Darlene are back together. That was given to me by the internet that I would like to offer to was given to me David and Darlene are back together that was given to me by the internet that I would like to offer to maximum the maximum fun forum uh is you know for many years I was a member and still am uh occasionally we'll post on the uh message boards at okplayer.com which is a pro slavery which is a pro pro slavery it is a rap music message board. And at some point along the lines, I mean, this is a group that's very careful about racism. And when someone would detect racism, either in something that was going on outside or in someone's post or something like that, they would be quick to be called on it.

And that eventually just came down to schismism or that schism that's that schism and i would just like to share that with everyone if any any anytime some racist shit is going on you can just be like that's that schism again that's that schism that's that schism are you guys saying that the octogenarian gay chorus is racist no i'm just saying that it's not an appropriate song to sing to them because they got caught up in it. They were like Tammy Sager, weren't paying close enough attention to the song. And so you accidentally trick them into becoming racist.

Yeah, they're like that Tammy Sager, accidentally sisming it up. Okay, let's go to the next call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. I have a momentous occasion for you guys. Not going to give my name, but I'm a trans woman

that both of you have met at Max FunCon. I just had a lesbian for some. Thanks. That sounds fun. Oh, I know who this is. Awesome.

Great. Congratulations. That sounds like a blast. Yeah. That is like the most genteel. Very classy, right? Just so you know momentous occasion

She's like FYI The last call was about schism this call is about scissoring Scissoring Scissoring Happy scissoring ladies Oh that's tremendous Congratulations Yeah really mazels have

It seems like a lesbian forcing would be a hard thing to wrangle. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. I think by the time you're a trans woman, if you're, by the time you're a trans woman lesbian and you're rolling in that community, probably it's relatively easy to wrangle if that's what you're interested in because everybody probably comes with an info card

that says what they're down for. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's sort of like being in an RA training at UC Santa Cruz, you know, just so everyone knows I want this, this, and this, and I don't want this, this, and this. So you just have 25 friends, and six of them want to have a lesbian foursome in which some of the people are trans women or some other form of genderqueer. So then two of them are left out.

Yeah. Exactly. Well, they're just, they don't have the looks, frankly. I didn't say it's for open to everyone no fatties i like picturing your ra training just being a big orgy fuck fest it's like ra training at santa cruz lots of foursomes well i mean you gotta leave some time for uh eating the mushrooms but besides that we have a moment of... You can combine the two, though, if you're busy. We have a moment of shame here, too.

Okay. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, girl. This is Brady in Georgia, and so I have a moment of shame. I was at a formal that was specifically for the architecture major, and there was an open bar. I had about nine Roman coats.

That's always a bad idea. You cannot give the architecture majors an open bar at their forum. Well, then, you know, I mean, they're drunk, they bring out the T-squares, and then shit gets crazy. All of a sudden, there's two guys with protractors squaring off. Can I just say, it was a plot point, how I met your mother last year. Or actually, this year, that there was an architect's ball. Because sometimes it's an architect.

As we're doing it, we're like, there's not a fucking architect's ball. There's an architect's major's ball. Or they drink nine rum and Cokes. There is definitely an architect's Ball. There's an Architect's Majors Ball. Wow. Or they drink nine rum and Cokes. There is definitely an Architect's Ball. Okay. Rum and Cokes. And at the end of the night, everybody was leaving.

They turned on the lights and saw a cake sitting on the refreshment table. And nobody had eaten any. So I went over to go get some. Took about four steps and fell on my ass. And apparently I hit the table that the cake was on and there were about six open bottles of soda on the table and all of them spilled onto the floor. So I stood up, kind of brushed myself off, went over, grabbed some cake with my bare hand, and ate it

as I walked to another bar. So, yeah, love the show. Thanks. Bye. And that's how the Guggenheim Bilbao was designed. Oh, I love a big handful

of cake. Oh, I love a big handful of cake. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Jordan, Jessica, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Tammy Sager, complete human being. Really? I just spoke about being broken down and I thought I'd go the opposite.

Would you say that we have completed you? You're now self-actualized. No, I think you guys complete me. I think when this ends, I'm going to be back to being missing a piece. A fragmented. Maybe you'll enter a fugue state. We give and we take away, Tammy. No doubt about that. We're fickle.

Tammy, it's been an absolute joy to have you on the program. It's been a pleasure for me. Thanks for doing it. You know, I have been, for years, I've been wondering what it would be like if we got the lady who invented Boys Becoming Men and Men Becoming Wolves on our show. I like that you keep saying invented. Because it's like, I mean, you are like the Jonas Salk of that joke. You cured

millions of people of not having heard that. I want to say when I pitched it, my boss was like, um, and it was other people's laughter in the room that was like, okay, I guess we'll try it. That is the best thing ever.

Oh, thank you. Look, How I Met Your Mother is a very funny show also. You've done a lot of great things in your career. But boys,

those six words. And once you thought of that, it was all downhill from there. I appreciate that very much. That's just the reality of the situation. Tammy, I know how you feel. I peaked with that

Arliss joke at the beginning of the episode. It was actually the snakes joke. Oh, he's going for gas. I'm just going to appear at conventions. I'm going to say that line. Bask in my former glory. Mark Hamill. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

Oh, man. We are still getting lots of awesome submissions in our More Powerful Than Ever contest. Yeah, the art has been really, really great. Thank you, everybody. Someone, I like, my favorite thing this week was just someone who just took a picture that our friend Noe Montes took of me

looking really dignified in a suit in my office and then just transposed the text over it. I will crush my enemies like so many paper cups in my office and then just transpose the text over it i will i will crush my enemies like so many paper cups in my hand um so that person the person who made that i don't have their name handy here email our intern with your t-shirt size and uh uh your address and we will send you a t-shirt we're still haven't given away that xbox though we got two more weeks in this xbox contest yeah um and we will decide who will get that Xbox. I'm going to take a look and see here.

Who are we going to give this tweet of the week to? I mean, a lot of people. Cameron Esposito, next week's guest, she tweeted about coming in here. Oh, look, here's Patrick Roddy. He says, for the record, I a chevy that just happened to look like a pontiac that is until it recently died well that's sad enough so that i think that he's gonna i think that he wins the uh i think that he wins that uh tweet of the week i don't understand what that's a reference to last week i accused him of driving a pontiac sunfire i think oh okay

um because he made the light box he made the more powerful than ever light box. It is a light box with a sweet ape going ape on it, and it says more powerful than ever that he made for our more powerful than ever theme for 2012. That's awesome. And yeah, except that we already gave him a t-shirt, so he can't do that one. God damn it.

Fucking idiot. Fucking ape. I got to pick somebody else now. Oh, man. This person's wondering if he should watch West Wing or listen to Jordan Jesse go on the bus. He's not going to win a prize. Wait, I remember reading that one. I like it because there's no punctuation.

Give it to that guy. It does have punctuation. Oh, does it? Yeah. Okay. Okay, we'll give it to that guy. Give it to this guy. It does have punctuation. Oh, does it? Yeah. Okay. Okay, we'll give it to that guy. Give it to this guy. I remember reading that

and liking it. At Dan Vesma, guess what? With your bullshit tweet, you just won Tweet of the Week. Hashtag it, JJ Go. Our theme music,

Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. 206-984-4FUN, our telephone number. JJGo at MaximumFun.org, our email address. Like us on Facebook, where we are all kinds of activities. Jordan is now on Facebook, by the way.

You can like me and Jordan personally, individually on Facebook and get our personal updates. See who gets more likes. Sexy updates. What kind of sexy updates are you posting? Probably butthole pics, right? Depending on what I get more requests for. Jordan Brown Spider Morris. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne. Bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life. You know, I've never heard anything like it before. It'd be like seeing a new color, which I guess is music's, like, biggest asset, is that you can hear new sounds. I'll probably never see a new color.

I'll probably never experience, like, a new crazy taste. But I'll hear new sounds constantly. Culture picks, comedy, and in-depth interviews. It's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on Bullseye. but I'll hear new sounds constantly. Culture picks, comedy, and in-depth interviews. It's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on Bullseye. Subscribe to iTunes or find it online at MaximumFun.org.