Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 213: Ringmaster

Episode Date: February 27, 2012

Chicago based comedian, Cameron Esposito, joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk about performing circus tricks and the divisive world of men's footwear.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, priddle, lovin', priddle, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the delightful Cameron Esposito to discuss the development of circus skills. And when the kid from two and a half men joined Van Halen. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm feeling cool, calm, and collected, Jordan. Oh, what a nice state of mind.

I'm feeling a little ganked up. Wait, ganked up? Yeah, you know, a little ganked up. A little, what does that mean? I don't, I'm just worried that now that Dave Mustaine and Santorum have joined forces. Right. That like, they'll be unstoppable. Oh, geez.

You mean like that Denzel Washington movie? Exactly. Yes, exactly. I'm afraid that Mustaine plus Santorum will be a runaway train. Everything is a train metaphor to you, Jordan. Yeah. I mean, that's why I feel such a kinship with Tony Scott. Uh-huh.

Because he loves nothing more than a train movie. Sure. That's why him and I a kinship with Tony Scott. Uh-huh. Because he loves nothing more than a train movie. Sure. That's why him and I are so close. Sure. And we grew up in the shadow of our more talented brother. Sure. Did you see the thing where... Look, I'm not going to get into politics, especially because by the time this airs,

this news, and by the time people listen to this, this thing, this Dave Mustaine business will be three weeks old. No, sure. It's a little old now when we're talking about it. It is funny, though. Did you see that he denied that he had endorsed Rick Santorum? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, he denied that he had endorsed Rick Santorum.

He said that— I was just talking on shrooms, man. He said that what was important was that our next president be a republican oh okay and that it's like you're not making you're not really making it better for yourself dave mustaine right you're dave mustaine it's not about the Rick Santorum part specifically. Look, different people across this country can have different opinions about Rick Santorum. Some may be positive. Some may be negative.

I may have my own strong opinions about Rick Santorum. But look, I'm not going to... I'm an entertainer. And I'm not going to sit around here saying that you have to have the same opinions about Rick Santorum that look I'm not gonna I'm a I'm an entertainer and it's not I'm not gonna sit around here saying that you have to have the same opinions about Rick Santorum that I have but let's just say I'm Dave Mustaine a Megadeth formerly of Metallica there are certain expectations about general tone that I think I should maintain as a public figure. And those expectations don't involve which Republican candidate I will endorse for president.

My concern as someone with a lot of investment in Dave Mustaine of Megadeth, formerly of Metallica, is not a concern regarding various gradations in the Republican candidate pool and which one of them best reflects the Megadeth philosophy. The Megadeth outlook on the world.

Right. Well, I think that can be summed up in their hit song, Killing is My Business and Business is Good. I mean, what's a more Republican sentiment than that, I ask you? Business. You know, these are the people that create income. You want to make it easy for them. They're trying to create jobs.

Yeah. You give them a tax break, they will create jobs. Absolutely. Killing jobs. Jobs in the killing industry. Sure, absolutely. Oh, man. Anyway, I just don't think he has as strong a sense of branding as some of his hard rock contemporaries,

branding as some of his hard rock contemporaries like say sammy hagar uh inventor of the cabo wabo cantina and the cabo wabo tequila that's a man who understands what his personal brand represents and what he can go out in public and talk about sure exactly uh hammocks here's some things we want to hear from uh from sammy hagar about hammocks so if dave mustang poolside wants to talk about which battle axe he prefers sure then i say go for it i say yes absolutely our guests on this week's george and Go program. The Red Rocker, Sammy Hagar. She's a stand-up comedian. She comes to us all the way from the city with broad shoulders, Chicago, Illinois. The very funny, very talented Cameron Esposito.

Welcome to the program, Cameron. Hi, gentlemen. How are you doing? That was beautiful. I thought that was... That was a really intense... I can see how you're probably intimidated to jump in because that was so... I thought I was going to be Sammy Hagar.

When I was speaking, I was weirded out by my own voice coming out of my head. Were you concerned about your drive home and the speed that it might be at? I was concerned about... Is that Sammy Hagar? Yeah, I can't drive 55 yeah you're good you're good i was definitely concerned about my drive home and whether or not i would be driving 55 because it's a long drive home to chicago from this podcast which i drove in for the podcast right thank you thank you by the way thank you and you're just and you're just jumping

in the car and turning around right yeah no i'm not, I'm not even... Yeah, I'm walking, actually. I'm walking to my car, which is parked in Chicago. I walked here. Nice. Can I ask you guys one question about Van Halen, the band Van Halen? Sure. I probably won't have too much to offer. But you will have more to offer than I do.

Maybe. Go ahead. So I'm an expert on matters of rock and roll music. There's a guitar in it. As far as I'm concerned, it better be going chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka. Is that the guitar? Yeah.

That sounds like it. While a bass plays the melody part, because otherwise I'm not interested in this type of music. But I've seen a picture of the Van Halen band on avclub.com. Our friends from the AV Club, they posted a picture. Van Halens have a new album out. I think it's like a remix version of the Crystal Pepsi song

and some other stuff. I don't know. It's just like songs about various colas that have gone by the wayside. So like Crystal Pepsi is in there. There's a song about New Coke. Well, there's some stuff about... Well, to be Pepsi is in there. There's a song about New Coke. Well, there's some stuff about, well, to be fair, I mean, there's a, there's, it's a two side album. It's on LP.

So there's one side that's colas. It's got the virgin cola thing. Yeah. It's got the song about the one with Spiegelman art. What's, what's the, what was the cola? Oh, I don't know. Yeah. It was with all the comics artists.

I don't know. Yeah. A lot of nerds are going to email me lot of mountain do a lot of nerds are gonna email me about that cola yeah um anyway uh and then the other side is all clearly canadian stuff so it's all transparent defunct transparent beverages nice and it comes with a leopard? Yeah. Absolutely. Like a live leopard that's wearing a leopard skin vest. Like a purple leopard skin vest? You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's a big strategy in the record industry today. Because people are pirating so much music, you have to make the album collectible, exactly. Things like colored vinyl, or box sets, or ferocious jungle cats. Right, an animal that you have to then raise and take care of.

So there's some responsibility there for the music owner also. Absolutely. And originally they were going to do a civet, but then they figured why not go big? Right, yeah. You know, why not go all the way? Well, and it's a good thing, you know, for an older Van Halen fan to teach their kids like about rock music and about caring for a pet and how

to be mauled. What's a good position to get in when you're being mauled? You get on it, you ride it. You get on the leopard, you ride it with a saddle. To establish dominance. Yes, you do. Well, I guess you and I have very

different mauling strategies. Oh, what be curling into a ball oh sure yeah and so maybe face yeah not me no i tame that you'll just jump on that leopard huh sure i will no that's uh you know it's your funeral or my eventual dominance of the leopard over all juggled cats you haven't seen me at the zoo a Cameron, yes. I will jump in that pen and I will ride whatever fucking animal, endangered or not. So I need to talk to you guys about this Van Halen album. Sure. So here's

I've loaded up for you guys and folks at home will just have to go to avclub.com and look up the review of Van Halen's new album, which apparently is called A Different Kind of Truth or by the album cover I Halen's new album, which apparently is called A Different Kind of Truth, or by the album cover, I presume it's called Space Train. So here's a picture of Van Halen.

Oh, no, it's actually called Robot Cock. Okay. So from left to right, we've got, I don't know, I guess probably the drummer. Then we've got, I guess that's probably Sammy Hagar or something. I guess these guys are the singer guys in probably, uh, Sammy Hagar or something. I guess these guys are the singer guys in Van Halen. Sammy Hagar isn't in Van Halen anymore. No, who's in Van Halen?

Uh, Van Halen is. No, but they had, they got back together with, oh, David Lee Roth. Yeah. Oh, okay. David Lee Roth? Yeah. I know. Yeah, sure.

I think there's a, there's some sort of discrepancy. Is it David Lee Roth that's back in, or are all three of them? Justin, Justin, our intern is here. He should be looking this up right now. Okay. He is. Help us out. Is it David Lee Roth that's back in? Or are all three of them? Justin. Justin, our intern, is here. He should be looking this up right now. Okay, he is. Help us out. I think it's Bill Nighy's character from Love Actually. Okay, so that's Bill Nighy's character from Love Actually.

Famed British actor. Yeah. Is that how you say his last name? I think it is. That's Eddie Van Halen right there. So working from left to right. This guy in the crazy thing, this is David Lee Roth, I think. Okay.

So then this guy is Eddie Van Halen, I'm pretty sure. Guitarist for Van Halen. Sure. And then I'm pretty sure that this is the kid from Two and a Half Men. Oh, well, that's... Is that correct? I think I know this. That's one of their sons.

Yeah, it's Wolfgang Van Halen. Yeah, it is. Who's Eddie Van Halen's kid who's like a drum prodigy. And he's also on Two and a Half Men? No, that's a different fatso. Yeah, it is. Who's Eddie Van Halen's kid who's like a drum prodigy. And he's also on Two and a Half Men? No, that's a different fatso. Yeah, I think... That's a different young fatso. I think you're thinking of Jonah Hill.

Yeah. Wait. From a couple years ago. You're thinking of old Jonah Hill. Old Jonah Hill. Time-traveling Jonah Hill. He joined the band in 2006 at the same time that David Lee Roth came back as a vocalist. So I'm being told that David Lee Roth rejoined the band in 2006 along with the kid from Two and a Half Men, whose name is Wolfgang Van Halen.

They had to kick Sammy Hagar out because his chill-out habit was getting too intense. Oh, he was too chill? He was too chill. Like, his maxing and relaxing was just, like, cutting into rehearsal time. I understand. Yeah, he had to install that hammock on stage. Right, and insisted on doing every song from a hammock. Yeah.

He wouldn't sing unless he had a drink with an umbrella in it. Exactly. He has pretty gloriously curly hair, yeah? It is, yeah. It's a red mane. Not unlike your own curly hair. Yeah, he's a little more chill than I am. So it reflects the tightness of the ringlets?

How do you... How do you reflect that physically? How do you show the amount of chill you are? Your hair is a reflection of your... I'm a little ganked up. So generally I'm not that chill. But I can be. I'm looking at that

hair. That looks like chill hair. Relaxed hair. I am chill in the sense that I don't care for my hair. I mean, I like it. I don't do anything to keep it healthy or clean. No, that's not entirely true. You spread cream cheese through it once a week. Oh, that's true.

For moisturizing. Yeah, and sometimes if I've got a hot date, I'll get a cream cheese with scallions. You'll put some locks. Yeah, that. And sometimes I'll, like, sometimes if I've got a hot date, I'll get a cream cheese with scallions. You'll put some lox. Yeah, some lox. Yeah, that's beautiful. Well, women like the smell of... Well, and I like Jewish women, too.

You know, like a salty... So I like elderly Jewish women. Yeah, like a sea air, sort of a, kind of like an implied seashell. Jordan's... Yeah, yeah. Jordan's dream date is, like, Elliot Gould, so... Like, late... Like, Elliot Gould with, like, a nice rack. Oh, like how big a... Like a busty Gould. so... Like Elliot Gould with like a nice rack.

Oh, like how big a... Like a busty Gould. Like a C. Like a solid C. Elliot Gould with a C is my, you know, it's my number one. And a beard. Yeah.

And a full beard. Well, the beard's on the boobs, right? Yeah, Elliot Gould with a breast beard. Yeah. Each one individually? It's not one. It's two. It's two.

Right. And the boobs have glasses on them, too. So they look like little old men. Look out, Grandpa. I'm coming in for a kiss, is what I say to them. I'm having a hard time following this, Jordan. I'm not going to lie to you. Listen, Jesse, I think, Cameron, this is easy to follow.

I don't know why you're not. Which one of these guys is the kid from Two and a Half Men? Wolfgang Van Halen. He's Van Halen's son, and it's not the kid from Two and a Half Men. It's time-traveling Jonah Hill. Are you not following? Did you see how old he was? How old is the kid from Two and a Half Men, Justin?

Wolfgang Van Halen. Born in 1991. That would make him 21 years old. He's 21 years wasted, my friends. Yeah. Wolfgang Van Halen. He's 21 years wasted, my friends. Yeah. Do you think he gets drunk with his dad? Oh, I don't know. How much do you love somebody being in Van Halen that cannot legally drink?

That is too good. Oh, wow. He's a husky lad, too. He has to wait outside during shows. Do you think he has a stretch waistband on his trousers? Well, you know, if he's anything... Oh, well, I guess David Lee Roth is the one who does high kicks. Yeah. He's known for his high kicks.

But I'd like to see Wolfie do a few. Yeah, well, you know, and also he's behind the drum set, too, right? Is he? Oh, he's the drummer of the band. Yeah, so, you know, you can wear a nice... You can wear a basketball short on stage if you're the drummer a b short something blousy you wear something blousy i like he's the bassist i like that eddie van halen i don't know what he wears then oh i liked the idea that eddie van halen was having a hard time finding a drummer so he just made one sperm yeah like that's that's the solution to every band's problems. Like, are you sick and tired of putting up flyers in music stores?

Why not just put your semen into a lady, have her grow a child to term, and then over the course of 21 years, feed it, take care of it, and teach it to play drums? The tear-offs are really long. Yeah. That flyer. The longest tear-offs. Right.

It says that whole thing. There's a picture of the woman that's gonna... It's the longest tear-off. They stretch from one end of Guitar Center to the other. Yeah, they sure do. Yeah, you gotta wind them,

wind them around your face. They stretch all the way from the drum heads to the microphones. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. I'm Cameron Esposito. That sounded, and my voice sounded good. I was doing a lot of. You're doing some voice kegels. Yeah, I was. Vocal kegels. I was doing a lot of... You were doing some voice kegels. Yeah, I was. Vocal kegels. I have like a beautiful woman's voice.

It's just, I mean, not the voice of a beautiful woman. I mean, well, I do have the voice of a beautiful woman. It's coming out of this face. Sure, right. I mean, yeah. But I'm talking about... Let's call a beautiful spade a beautiful spade, shall we? I know. Put your hat on, Martha May.

There's a beautiful lady in the audience. Yeah. That's the expression I always use. Works every time. You know that one? Put your hat on, Martha May. There's a beautiful woman in the audience. Where does that expression come from?

It comes from vaudeville. Oh, great. Well, then I love it. Right before somebody gets the hook, they say that. Back in the Buster Keaton times. Oh, great. Well, then I love it. Right before somebody gets the hook, they say that. Yeah. Oh, back in the Buster Keaton times. Oh, okay. Yeah. Speaking of antiquated performance, Cameron, you were saying before we started that you

are also a circus ringmaster, and you said it very casually. Yeah, you said that like that's a real thing that people are. Yeah, no, I am that. That's what I am. That's not true. How did you get into ring mastering and what are your duties as ring master? My duties are I have to wear sparkly

lipstick that somebody else puts on me because I can't actually apply makeup. Is that just because you're a lesbian? Yeah, no, for sure. Is that like a contract? I refuse to learn and it gets women pissed on my face. You know how to do it but there's a contract that you signed.

I can't even, I can't get it to stay on my, if I wear lipstick, I just end up kind of awkwardly. It was part of your admission agreement at Sarah Lawrence. I look like a ventriloquist dummy. I did, it was part of my, yeah, I mean, you have to, well, when you get your vest. Right. They take away your... You have to look at a very specific direction. There's a flashing light, and the light is vaginal.

Right. It's kind of a vaginal light. It's a vaginal light. Yeah, well, because there's a void, you know, kind of an emptiness. Sure, absolutely. But yeah, no, I'm a circus... And then I have to wear an elaborate coat. Wait, what kind of circus is this?

It's acrobats, not animals People ask that If there's dangerous animals So when you were talking about When you were talking about riding a cheetah That's just recreational Yeah, no, that's not I wouldn't do that to one that was tamed

Or cared for by Russians I would only do it One that I've seen in the wild And we've looked at each other. Like on a weekend. Yeah. Right, sure. The Wild is the name

of a lesbian bar actually here in Los Angeles. That has a cheetah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Like a lot of your douchier straight bars in LA will have like a mechanical bull. Right.

So the girls will get a little drunk. They'll get on the mechanical bull. Maybe their top will come off. You can see their undies. You know, right the girls will get a little drunk. They'll get on the mechanical bull. Maybe their top will come off. You can see their undies. You know, right. Yeah, right into, yeah. Right onto a boner. Right onto a boner, yes.

You have a sophisticated understanding of heterosexual dating and nightlife. That's what it is, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's like you trick a woman or you, you know, you try and trip her up somehow so she accidentally hits your boner. When does she – when is the chest hair involved? That's actually how I had my child Simon. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I tricked my wife into accidentally hitting my boner. And nine months later – Here's my dating strategy. I've bought a box of ball bearings. And I hang out outside like a used bookstore. With like a slippery, sort of

like a banana peel, sort of a slippery sort of a... I've tried banana peels, but it just seemed hack to me. Got it. I thought the ball bearings kind of were like classic. They were sleek. What about a used condom? Think about that. Oh. Slippery.

Also. I have, I was already thinking about used condoms. How will I use the condom though if I don't have the lady? No, no, it's somebody else's. It's somebody else's. Oh, like a homeless guy. You've just gotten it. I don't know how you got it. I'm not sure how you have it. Okay. But you have it in your hand. Okay. You're holding it. I could use a used condom to

trip a lady who then falls onto my boner. Yeah, sure. I say use the ball bearing. I think your clean, modern aesthetic thing is a really convincing argument. I think it's sort of like a Palm Springs, mid-century modern. Sort of an Ikea, even. Yeah. Depending on how, if the ball bearings are hollow. And what's nice is you can actually get them at Ikea.

You can get a box of 5,000 for $4.99, and that way you get lingonberry jam. And some cheap batteries while you're there. Sweet and sweet balls. Yeah. And ball bearings to trip sex a woman. Is that really? It's been a while. It's been like a couple years.

I don't remember if that's true. Yeah, that's how it works. I've seen movies with Brad Pitt or something in it, but that's not in that movie. I don't know. I just thought it was about writing letters. So you're in this lesbian circus.

Am I remembering this story correctly? Yeah, it's all lesbians. So you've got an elaborate coat. When you say elaborate coat, what does that entail? Epaulettes. You know what I mean? Epaulettes. Technic what I mean? Epaulettes.

Technicolor. Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, epaulettes and golden buttons. Is this a waking coat or a dream coat? Yeah, it's a dream coat, for sure. Well, when Donny Osmond wears it, it's a dream coat. Is this something Michael Jackson might have worn in the late 1980s and early 1990s? If he was just a little bit bigger.

I'm like probably, scale-wise, I'm not a large person, but I'm probably two Michael Jacksons. Uh-huh. If you were to measure. That's the system they still use in the UK. It is. It's a UK system. They always wonder why Americans are the only ones who don't switch to the Jackson system. Right.

Give me three Jacksons for a farthing you'll say your appearance usually only one or 1.5 jacksons but americans right i'll take two titos of ale please can i have a litoy of cider so you've got epaulette big time yeah.T. Circus life. Yeah. Circus life. Yeah. Sometimes there's a big top. Most of the time we work in a warehouse in Chicago.

Like an abandoned warehouse and there's a circus in there. It doesn't sound abandoned. This is not actually an abandoned warehouse. No. I want... Can I just say...

You're not... It's not... You're paying to be there. You're not training henchmen in there. Guys, come on. Jessie, let her say it's an abandoned warehouse.

Is there any cocaine in there? There's no... I mean, only abandoned warehouse is there any cocaine for her there's no i mean only the stuff we bring in right right the circus coke yeah only the time we give out to the audience so that they think it's a great show nice and so they clean up after themselves afterwards they are energized they get really into acrobatics yeah um so do you have any circus skills yourself or is it just ring mastering? Can you tumble? Can you juggle? I can have somebody stand on my shoulders. Okay.

I can base a two high. How does that sound? That's true. Basing a two high. Sounds good. I can also base a flag, which is when somebody hangs off of your neck, like a flag. That's when someone takes a flagpole and shoves it into your upper back. Yeah, that's right.

So basically your main skill is being able to stand still and rigid. Yeah, that's right. While women climb on me. That's how I impregnated my life. That's what I'm saying. It's the same thing. I can stand still and rigid

and I can also talk out of my face. That's what I'm most valuable for. Oh, nice. Strangely, these circus people can hang from their necks, or they can juggle chainsaws, but they don't like to talk in front of people. Yeah, they like to let their acrobatics do the talking. That's not strange, Cameron. No, you're right.

Just like Wolfgang Van Halen likes to let his tasty bass licks do the talking. You say that as though you haven't met people who are interested in developing circus skills. Look, I went to an arts high school. I've met people who like circus skills. I'm not surprised that they don't want to talk to people. Yeah, I mean, fair enough. They just want to do their devil sticks or put their legs behind their heads. And have huge upper bodies.

Or casually ride a unicycle just around. Ride around on a unicycle as though that's a thing. Have you met circus girls, though? It sounds like what you're describing are circus guys. I love them. I want everyone to know I'm in favor of circus guys. Circus guys are always a little bit weirder than circus girls really circus girls can be like kind of normal i yeah no normal for circus world i mean i'm not

this is you're just saying that because here's the thing cameron let me i'm gonna the thing i'm gonna let you tell us the thing about circus girls. Because you prefer ladies romantically to gentlemen. That's not what lesbianism is. I'm going to let you slide. Because you come from the Greek island of Lesbos. That's what it is. I'm interested in men, you know? Scientifically.

I am going to let you slide on this thing about circus girls being less weird than circus guys. Because I can understand that if I was surrounded by circus girls in a professional environment and they were all going around doing stretches. Say you're trapped in a van. It's a 14-passenger van. Yeah. Eight female circus performers.

You're headed, I don't know, Vermont. Yeah. Like, look, I'm more interested in, I'm romantically interested, I'm romantically interested

in my beautiful wife. Sure. But in a context in which I was romantically interested in my beautiful wife. Sure. But in a context in which I was romantically interested in someone other than my beautiful wife. And I'm interested in clumsy female Jews who look like Elliot Gould. Yeah. So if I weren't married, I would be interested in ladies rather than fellas. in ladies rather than fellas and if i was in a van full of circus performers and it half of them were dudes and half of them were ladies i would be making up reasons in my head why the ladies were less inseparable than the guys because the guys would be sitting there fucking juggling

or doing handstand push-ups or whatever the fuck it is that these people do. And the ladies would be putting their legs behind their head or whatever. And I would be talking myself into thinking, I'd be like, well, I mean, that's all right. You know? Sure. There's something weird happened at some point to this woman

that drove her into a vagabond Nightmare life But I'm part of this now too I signed up for this because of my Gift of gab again I'm in your position I'm probably a talking person You know it's a good gig you know It's fun get out there make a few

Circus jokes try and convince People that clowns are funny But we have no clowns are funny. But... Oh, we have no clowns. Oh, thank God. It's a clown-free situation. Yeah, no clowns. That's a big...

That's good. Because people doing acrobatics is a lot more impressive than clowns are entertaining. Well, and the other thing is... Listen, Jesse. Yeah. Everything you've said is right. I do agree with your summary. But I want to add to it that I have a particular penchant for tough chicks.

Right. You know, I mean. Right. I mean, if we could stop right now, if we could stop this podcast and please go see Haywire. Uh-huh. That's a group. Oh, hey.

I don't know what I'm doing here, honestly. When Haywire is in theaters. That's still a movie that exists that I've already seen. You know, like since that or since Death Proof, like I could have brought that movie with me and we could have done We could just be watching that

on a portable DVD player. We could be watching it on my phone. We could be watching the chase scene. We could be watching Zoe Bell hang on. She hangs right on.

She doesn't fall off for a second. She doesn't even, you know, eat the gloves. Tough as nails. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

If you wanted to watch Terminator 3, these are the things I'm interested understand what I'm saying if you wanted to watch Terminator 3 these are the things I'm interested in I'm interested in female Terminators and people that are similar to female Terminators

sure so you're like a woman with an exoskeleton is what you're saying a mechanical exoskeleton or endo like endo to endo or exoskeleton

like whatever whatever kind of skeleton like a skeleton just a kind of a metallic a mechanical framework. Right, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I guess exoskeleton would be on the outside. Right, like an endo or exo, depending on which model

of Terminator you're talking about, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, is this a T-800 or is this a T-1000? We need to, let's not split hairs. Well, we could split hairs. We could split hairs. With our laser beam on. Which one of these ladies is the kid from Two and a Half Men? That's Wolf Terminator.

That's T1 Wolfgang. I don't know. Sorry. So you're into it. You're like a tough lady. So, and I don't, that's not usually, that's not even always who I date, but like I can, I think I want to be that. Right.

I want to, I want to, like I want to just, when you're, when you're hearing me talk, if you don't imagine my voice surrounded by a leather jacket, I'm doing everything wrong. You've perpetually got a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeves. Yeah, and I don't smoke at all, but it's just on my arm. You got the pack there. I tucked it right in. Yeah, yeah, because you're trouble. These girls can do a lot of push-ups.

They can do a lot of push-ups. They can do, ah, and they're beautiful. They somehow have figured out how to have giant arm muscles and beautiful faces at the same time. Please, I'd like to know how to do that. Right. So that's what I'm saying. Diagnosis complete.

So on that same kick, let me ask you this. And I definitely don't want you to speak... Am I about to answer on behalf of all lesbians? No, no, no. Oh, dang it. I know.

I always love when you're like that. On behalf. What do lesbians think about Dave Mustaine endorsing Rick Santorum? Just some. Yeah. Is the world. Okay. I imagine the world.

Number one. Most lesbians are big Rick Santorum fans. I think so. I think. Let's start with that. He's got a platform that lesbians can get behind. It's not a monolithic community. Gay women. You know what I mean?

If you really break it down, that's what lesbians are. Gay women. That's what we call the Santorum sweet spot. The intersection of women and gay. Yeah. So most gays like him and most women like him, but definitely most gay women like him because he likes them a lot. as being maybe similar to the Ren Faire or something like that where there's maybe a lot of internal hooking up?

Like when you are on tour with the circus, is there a lot of inter-circus drama? That's a good question. You know, a lot of people do duo acts, like husband and wife teams. Yeah, yeah. Because as a circus performer, thrive on uh contracts at specific circuses or specific shows in different countries i'm going to give you the most serious answer to this question i would love it it's fascinating thank you so they will come up with duo acts and

then they are a husband and wife team that also like run up and down a pole for a living and then you book them and they get to travel together okay Okay. So, yes, there is a lot of romance. And then entire lives and acts are built on that romance. Or like a boy and his war horse. That's exactly what I... That's the description. Yes. Wait. So the woman is the war horse?

Because if so, then that's the kind of woman I'm into. That's what I'm trying to tell you. A horse-like woman. You're into a centaur. I'm into a little bit of a... Just gleaming, shiny... Cameron. I'm into a little bit of a, you know, just gleaming, shiny. I've brushed her muscles. You really got to watch this movie, War Horse.

This is going to be. War Horse is sexy. You are going to be. The horse in War Horse is hanging on to this muscle cup. Yeah. Driven by Kurt Russell. It's hot. So I guess so, and you may not know the answer to this,

but what happens in the husband-wife pole climbing duo when the wife is caught with the seal boy or the guy who guesses weight? Yeah. What happens to the act? Or the unicorn. Yeah. Acts do break up,

and new performers come into old acts. I've seen that happen. I've seen like, oh, this used to be her act. I've got a new pole partner. Yep. I mean, it's just... Pole partner.

Yeah. It's dick. I like that you guys made eye contact right after that joke, and then you just looked at each other for like a long time well we have dicks I also do

congratulations it's back in Chicago it's a deep dish deep dish I don't know what that means Chicago has deep dish pizza right yeah no I like that. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I like that. Okay. Yeah. That's fun. Well. What's your favorite thing in the circus? Oh, my favorite thing is, God, that's a really crazy question. The costumes, I guess.

And also the makeup. These gals wear crazy costumes and make them look beautiful. And I have a friend that she spins by her neck 30 feet in the air. That's her job. Her neck? Like she puts a noose around her head, but if you could think about it going around the outside of your neck. I can't think of that. Because it's upsetting. The inside

of your neck. Wow. And then she spins real fast. And she has fringe on her costume. So you know how that goes. Fringe. You put a little fringe on a horse. So you know how that goes. Fringe. You put a little fringe on a horse. And I'm pretty much in. That's a pretty warry horse. Yeah.

A pretty whorey horse. Yeah. I was waiting for that to... And you did it. And then I did it. That's good. Good for me. We have fun talking about this.

What's your favorite thing about the circus? Do you ever go? I liked... My dad loves the circus. Awesome ever go i liked my dad loves the circus awesome um and he like he loves well i mean he loves all circuses frankly um he loves like wringling brothers he loves he's not um he is not like a um he is a circus traditionalist, so he loves Ringling Brothers. He loves the animal acts and shit. He loves clowns. He loves everything.

He also will love a single ring circus, like a low renter circus. Yeah. I don't think he really gives a shit about an artsy circus. about like an artsy circus. You know, you start, your Canadian type circuses or your Frenchie type circuses, your French Canadian type circuses starts to get a little more questionable.

But Justin, our intern from Canada, he knows what I'm talking about. But, you know, I think... Have you ever taken him to see an artsy or circus I'm not actually talking about circus I should explain that my dad is an artsy man I should mention that

I don't want people to think that my dad works down at the steel mill I mean not that there's anything not that there's anything wrong with working down at the steel mill but I just don't want to paint an inaccurate picture of my father my father is my father. My father is a very – he likes to sit around the house reading Henry Miller or whatever.

But when – you know, popping a boner. Sure. No. Well, maybe. But he likes – he just likes circuses where you know shit's going down so he took me to the circus a lot as a kid like a fuck fest

yeah I mean that's amazing the thing that I liked at the circus though frankly motorcycle globe of death oh you can't we can't fight that I mean

clearly we've already covered that that's something I'm interested in any sort of motorcycle globe of death right there with you We can't fight that. I mean, clearly we've already covered that that's something I'm interested in. Yeah. I knew you sort of motorcycle club of death right there with you. There was a while where there's a little bit where I enjoyed on the Yelp app on the iPhone, you could check into places and then you could become the duke or the duchess of that place. All right. And there was a while where it was fun to try and become the duke or the duchess of that place. All right. And there was a while where, you know, it was fun to, like, try and become the duke

of something. But there's the lady who was the duchess of the most stuff in my neighborhood. I didn't know her, but her little avatar was very, very cute. She had, like, this dyed red hair and was really outrageous and clearly, like, you know, went out every night of the week. And I, like, you know, I developed this little thing for this woman who was this duchess of like everything in my neighborhood and it went jordan had a crush on a girl from yelp yeah i totally had a crush on yelp avatar yeah um like a knighted and i just like imagined that like you know i'm sure we

would if we ever you know we clearly are in the same vicinity. We're in the same circle. If we ever ran into each other, I'm sure it would be just magic. But the thing that kind of set it over the edge was I saw that she went to Cirque de Soleil and just her review of it was go on shrooms, yo. So then you were not interested and then you know i kind of thought then that's when she kind of reached a kind of unattainable status got it you know that's when i'm like okay we're clearly playing on different diamonds right i'll just admire you your little picture from afar sure this ain't no pizza review situation no this ain't no bike repair place no this is no no

those are expensive tickets i know that's an expensive drug habit absolutely so good third what do i she's got dollars like yeah for a woman who's who's you know activity who one of her favorite activities is is shrooming at cirque de soleil what do i have to offer her i don't think there's much you can bring well i mean the companionship of a you know like a just being there with her and telling her like hey it's okay yeah to exit liquids the circus when she's done here's here's a banana stay there yeah just take her to take her to chill out in the lobby if it gets to be too much for sort of a tethering yeah i guess i could be like a shroom companion tetherball

you can tetherball with her yeah you play a little tether ball with her. Sure. Yeah. Now that the lady on shrooms likes more than a little bit of tether ball. Honey, honey, honey. I know you think the devil is talking to you. Let's just play a little tether ball. Get it out of your system.

It's okay, baby. And I rub her back. No, then I got a new phone and the new phone's Y, baby. And I rub her back. No, then I got a new phone, and the new phone's Yelp app. I got a Windows phone, and the Yelp app on Windows phone does not allow you to check in. So we've, you know. So that part of my life. You guys broke up? We did.

We had to break up because of OS. OS incompatibility. You're no longer the duke of your neighborhood. Now you're the dowager countess. Yes, exactly. I'm now the footman of Whole Foods. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Jordan, Jessica, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Miss Cameron Esposito here. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Miss Cameron Esposito here. I have two important updates that I feel like I need to check in with them once in a while on these subjects. First of all, Satsumas. I get a lot of Satsuma-related mail, just an astonishing amount of Satsuma-related mail.

Satsuma, if you don't know, you're from the frozen wasteland of Chicago, Illinois. I have no idea what you're talking about. You don't really... You don't have any vegetation there, right? Like plants just die as soon as they get there? Oh, yeah. No, there's no plants or... Yeah.

You just have deep dish pizzas. Yeah. And no culture. Yeah. Just sausages. And, yeah. You have a lot of different types of brats. It's just one kind of fat person.

A lot of different brats, though. Yeah, one fat person on top of a mound of brats. Applebee's owns Chicago now, right? Yeah, absolutely. It's now Applebee's Presents Chicago. Yeah, it's a small suburb of New York. So, here's the thing. I

have heartily endorsed Satsumas. And I'm not going to sit here and withdraw my endorsement of Satsumas because Satsumas continue to be a spectacular citrus fruit. They're easy to peel. What do they even look like? They're small. They're bumpy. It's an orange.

It's a tiny, like, seedless orange. What? It's a tiny seedless orange. What? It's a delicious little fruit. So Satsuma is a wonderful thing. I'm sorry that you live in Chicago. You may never get access to it. Yeah. I was just talking with my friend Claire Zolke from the AV Club.

She's a Chicagoan. Can't find Satsumas for the life of her because she lives in the frozen. She's a friend of mine. You know that? Frozen wasteland. Well, you guys can talk about how you can't find any Satsumas for the life of her because she lives in the frozen... She's a friend of mine. You know that? Frozen wasteland. Well, you guys can talk about how you can't find any Satsumas.

Yeah. So, I feel bad for all the Midwesterners who send me emails, I can't find any Satsumas. I can't find any Satsumas. That sucks for you. You know,

should move to a fucking better place. You know, enjoy your $200 rent or whatever it is.'s five dollars they pay you five dollars you get paid five dollars to live in a mansion on lake michigan yeah with michael jordan he's there and instead of water the taps pour blue cheese dressing right which is delicious because yeah it's so fattening yeah it's it's really good. That's the secret to blue cheese.

That's what Chicagoans like. So, again, I'm not here to disavow Satsumas because they continue to be fucking tremendous. However, I may have found a citrus that tops the Satsuma. It's called the

deco pond. Now, I know what you're saying deco pond jesse you just made this one up and uh it's true it does sound like something that i made up uh it's being marketed in the united states as a sumo in a lot of places. If you've already tried a Satsuma, it actually looks a lot like a Satsuma, only it's about the size of a navel orange. So it has the same kind of lightish mid-orange color and sort of weirdly bumpy texture. Like it looks like a sort of like a reject. It's not smooth, but it is as big as a navel orange.

You know, it's like fist-sized or a little bit bigger. This thing is a Japanese orange. Thank you to Justin, who's shown us a picture, our intern Justin. It has a big bump on the top. It's like an orange and a gourd.

It looks like an alien egg. It looks like in the James Cameron Aliens, what the spider jumps out of and sucks onto your face. I believe you mean facehugger. Excuse me, the facehugger. I didn't want to... Wait, who am I kidding? Yes, this is the audience that I can... I apologize that I said

spider thing. This thing has been around in Japan and Korea for quite some time now. I think 15 years or something like that. Cameron, I'm sorry I said the wrong name for the thing that creates the xenomorph. I wanted to reestablish my credibility. Space jockey. Sure. Okay.

Would you guys please stop having a little fucking nerd contest? Because you know who's going to get the emails when you get some little part of it wrong? It's not you. It's me. Forward them to me. We don't have email in Chicago, though. You're going to have to send it to me on a citrus fruit. You're going to have to shove it inside of a potato skin.

Melt cheese on the top. Add bacon bits. And that's the only way the Chicago post office... And then serve it in a deep dish crust. Right. In Chicago, Christmas stockings still just have a single orange in them. They go, oh my god, fresh fruit in the middle of winter? I know, I can't believe

it myself. And then you peel the orange. Oh, ham. Ham inside. So, uh... Psych! This deco- deco pond aka sumo this thing's the best thing since fucking slice bread it's been around in japan and korea for a long time there was this secret importation of this thing into california like seven or eight years ago if you google this thing deco pond you can read about how it was secretly imported into California, because

it takes a long time. Did people smuggle them over in their butts? Yeah, basically. But it takes a long time to grow one of these trees, you know what I mean? Like, to get it to the point where it bears fruit, you know, it takes seven or eight years. Like a woman. So they... Exactly.

I don't think that you have a sophisticated understanding also of... Yeah, no, trust me. I do. That's what me and Rick Santorum both believe about women. Right. They need eight years to share. You got that from that birth control panel. And then they have to have babies.

Right. Yeah. Of course, they're cut down and made into kindling. That's right. That's right. So it took eight years of secret growing. This consortium of growers here in Southern California grew these things secretly for eight years without telling anyone. Because they wanted to keep it.

They didn't want anyone else in the United States to grow them. They have the exclusive rights to grow them. Isn't that crazy? They have exclusive fruit rights? That's a real thing. I cannot believe that's a real thing. Okay,'s... Isn't that crazy? They have exclusive fruit rights? That's a real thing. I cannot believe that's a real thing. Okay, so...

Are there fruit lawsuits? Fruit suits, if you will? There are fruit suits. Fruit suits. It seems wrong, but it's true. So if you... This is just a fucking

warning out there to anybody who wants to have their life changed by a fruit. Fuck with these deco ponds, my friends. Are they seedless? Yeah.

So you can get them here in... You can get them in California. And now these people... And I bet you can get them if you live in a cool place like New York or something. Yeah, okay, right. Sure.

No offense, other people. No, no, I mean... Look, Chicago's a beautiful city. If it wasn't a frozen wasteland, everyone would live in Chicago. Then it wouldn't be so affordable. You guys got that bean? We do have that.

You're thinking of our mayor. Yeah, yeah. We call him the bean. He's shiny. You got all that beautiful architecture. Yeah, guys. Batman was filmed there, as everyone in Chicago will tell you three times a day. Chicago is great.

Chicago is great. I hate going to new york or la and telling people i live in chicago because it's a frozen wasteland no and you have to hear about what a frozen wasteland it is overalls like i can't even describe no chicago is great in every way other than the fact that it's a frozen wasteland five months out of the year and an insufferable nightmare oven four months out of the year. That's what makes the people strong. It's true. They're hearty.

That's what makes them so angry. Can I ask a fruit? Very pleasant. Can I ask a fruit? Chicago is a fucking beautiful, wonderful city. Yeah. In all sincerity.

A beautiful city. I love my town. Can I ask? I'm going to get out of there pretty soon. See you later, guys. You did good. It makes your body hurt when you go outside for much of the year.

But a beautiful city. And real low ceiling on the entertainment industry. Yeah. Sure. You could host a web series for abclub.com. I could not be higher. You could have a one-line part in Batman. That wasn't already completed.

Didn't they actually take the third Batman away from Chicago? Didn't they film the third Batman somewhere else, like Pittsburgh or something? I don't know. I don't have that. None of them said LeapFundMe. Where? It's all over the place. It is in Chicago, but it's also in Pittsburgh and New York City.

It's everywhere. Justin says it's all over everywhere. I don't think that it matters because we had Transformers. Oh, there you go. Oh, you know, the last time I was in Chicago, they were filming a Transformers movie there, and there was a lot of fake rubble in the streets. There was carnage all over the place. Like cars sticking out of other cars.

Styrofoam rubble. Yeah, it's true. It was very funny. Can I ask a fruit etiquette question? Well, they shot Sister Act and Sister Act 2 near my house when I was growing up, so suck on that. I can't believe you ever moved away from there. Yeah, right?

I'm sure just imported, what are these called? Deco ponds? Imported your deco ponds to that house. Sorry, Jordan. Fruit etiquette question. Yeah. So, if you work in an office, taking a piece of fruit into an office is not a big deal. I mean, you know.

Right. Take a pear into the office. Take an orange. Nobody's going to look at you sideways for that, right? No. If I'm in an office situation, can I eat a pomegranate at my desk? Can I tear open a pomegranate and pick out the seeds like an ape? Because I am to the point now where I love pomegranates.

I will eat three pomegranates a week. That's because you don't eat sugar. Yeah, exactly. And it just, it really just, to borrow a phrase from the last podcast, just really flicks my bean. It's really just. You've got to get with these deco puns, Jordan. Well, here's the thing, though. I like the taste of the pomegranate, but I also like the rending of it.

I like the kind of primal. Yeah, that's what I was just going to say is it might show your boss or whoever you're working next to that you're like an industrious worker. Right. Because that is the stupidest food. Father credits. In the world. Absolutely.

I mean, it takes so much work and you get zero, almost nothing. Yeah. You're not less hungry after you eat all the seeds. Like a slightly delicious taste. Yeah. And it's not even, you know, super, it's just slightly delicious. It does look beautiful and it's very satisfying to go ahead and put those seeds right in your mouth. But look at what that shows to the people right around you.

And you're just like, I am undeterred. I'm good at the little things. Don't fuck with me or I will tear open your head and eat the goo inside. Is that? Yeah. You think that's part of it? You know what you should get, Jordan? I'm not against that.

You know what I think you should get? A cherimoya. What's that? It's like a mango or something like that, but it's got a scaly exterior and a custardy interior. Oh, that sounds nice. Yeah, that's something you can really fucking teach people a lesson with your eating of. Yeah.

It's a real threat. Just go right through the scales to the custard. A real eating of. Yeah. It's a real threat. Just go right through the scales to the custard. A real threat food. Yeah. But do you guys think a pomegranate is too gross to eat in mixed company or in an office situation? I find that I get the juice all over the place.

Yeah, no, it's a messy thing, too. Can you contain that? No, absolutely not. I get it all over myself. Jordan, you're a writer. And then I pet my cat, and then I get it on the cat. I mean, I find that there's this thing

where when I go have a meeting with a Hollywood person, they have a hard time... Brian Grazer, for instance. Yeah, like when I have one of my many lunch meetings with Brian Grazer. Like if I go visit Berg. That's what I call Steven Spielberg.

That's racist. Yeah, I call him that because he's black okay the man's name is papa warhorse um i uh when i go in with meet with some hollywood person or other i can always tell that they're concerned uh they're concerned that I'm not talented because I seem like my life is together. Like I have an exterior appearance of a person who's on top of his shit. And so I think that this could only benefit you as a creative person. Yeah, looking like a disheveled, stained wild man who rips open fruit with his hands. Yeah, your hands are inky with the blood of this fruit. That is kind of, yeah.

No, I don't disagree with that. And you should be late, too. Show up late and then be like, I'm sorry, I had to eat this fruit. I have to leave in five minutes and then put a time stamp on it. Yeah, maybe I should be. Maybe I do try and clean myself up too much when I, maybe my, you know. No, I didn't say that. five minutes and then like put a time stamp on yeah yeah maybe i should be maybe i too maybe i do try and clean myself up too much when i maybe my you know no i don't i didn't say that let's not go over that let's not let's not let's not go nuts but maybe my my lack of

maybe i should really just go over into disheveled wild man territory if i want to be more successful i mean you can't be a crazy genius if you're not crazy. That's true. You can only be regular, functional. It's a really good point. I mean, I think that just like last week on the show when we heard about how some people have that special secret power of having people around them want to defend them and help them i think the crazier you seem uh to go along i mean you're a very talented man i don't think anyone would deny that you're a talented man i think if you seem like the kind of madman who

would tear into a bloody fruit at his desk other people around you will want to tend to your talent rather than asking you to be the guy who does the paperwork. That's a good point. Also, if you're such an untamed fruit eater, maybe you're the kind of person that would come up with a really great sitcom idea because you're just an idea person. Sure. You thought of the idea to bring a pomegranate.

I think my situation is I've got them. No one's asking. And maybe that's because I don't look crazy enough. For sure. Yeah. I would wear a tie right around your head. Tie it around your head like Rambo style. Should I poop myself?

That's kind of unclean. I mean, I don't know if people want. You might consider peeing in a jar or a jug. That's better. Carry your own urine with you because that's sanitary. Or just buy some urine. You don't actually have to do it. It seems like it wouldn't be unpleasant to do that.

You could just buy some urine, maybe for one of those fake a drug test type situations in the back of High Times. Right. Maybe I should be always carrying around a High Times with me. Yeah. Some people carry a newspaper under their arm. Yeah.

Or that whole urine setup in Gattaca. Do you remember that? I have not seen Gattaca. Oh, my God. Well, there's a really elaborate urine setup because... Tell me about it. People are just... I am all ears.

People are just judged on different things in the future. Okay. I like this carrying around a High Times thing, though. I like the idea of you being like an old-timey newspaperman or like a guy who goes into the office. So I like you in a three-piece suit,

you know, a nice trilby on your head, maybe, with a feather in it, but also you know, brogues, long-wing brogues on your feet, high times under your arm. And then if you have to go into a thrift store or something like that, you have to check your High Times at the counter and get a little paper clip where they put that. Right, exactly.

They don't want you to... Like, oh, number 42, that's my High Times. That's my, yes, that's my High Times August 2011 interview with Violent J. Or like sometimes you valet it. And Lil Shaggy. Yeah. Am I getting the Insane Clown Posse names right? Violent J, Lil Shaggy?

Shaggy 2 Dope. Mm, Shaggy 2 Dope. Violent J. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. The Insane Clown Posse. Yeah. Popular clown rappers. I know, I know.

I know lots of... do you know sometimes they have comics that go out to the gathering of the juggalos yeah i mean like uh like a brian posain goes out there and um i don't know earthquake so also someone there are some chicago comics that hannibal burris has done it oh really that's what i was thinking i was thinking someone we know has gone out and done that. I mean, you work in a circus capacity. Are you just trying... Is this like the Little Leagues or like AAA to hope to go to the Big Leagues, which is the gathering of the Juggalos?

Well, you know, Rick Santorum and the Insane Clown Posse, I think both are pretty on board with lesbians. Right. You know what I mean? Just from like a respect. Sure. Well, I mean, they had Tila Tequila, who's a famous lesbian activist, right? That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. They're open to it. I'm just imagining Tila Tequila on like I Love the 90s or something like that. One of those talking head shows that just says Tila Tequila and then underneath lesbian activists. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Cameron Esposito, regular person. Just standard. Your standard issue. This is issue. Cameron Esposito.

This is thing number two. The base model. You don't have a spoiler. You don't have XM satellite radio. They don't even have AC. Yeah. Now that I've addressed the... Manual windows.

Like a girl with manual windows. Now that I've addressed the deco pond, there's one other thing I need to address. Okay. And this is something that I've just been concerned about lately, and I wanted to give it some time for American audiences to catch up before I addressed it, and that is this. A year and a half or so ago, I introduced a lot of our listeners to a wonderful television program called Downton Abbey.

It's one of my favorite shows. You imported it from England up your butt. I did. Yeah. You brought it. I put it in a condom. And you've been...

Swallowed it. You've been brewing it You swallowed the DVDs. Seven years. The master beta tapes. Yeah. The first seven episodes. Yeah.

The Mr. Bates master betas. Mm-hmm. And... That's funny. I... And I'm very happy about having Betas. That's funny. I'm very happy about having done that. I get a lot of thank you emails from people who say, thank you for introducing me.

I would never have watched the show. I was on PBS, et cetera, et cetera. I didn't really believe you at first, but then you were so enthusiastic about it, et cetera. Cameron, for you, I don't know, you guys don't have PBS in Chicago. So I do know what Downton Abbey is. But please describe it. I have not actually seen it. Because I do things with my life.

This is like, if you could do, if you could just use a Harry Carey metaphor for Cameron's benefit. That would be great. Chicago sportscasting legend. Put it in a number of three-peats. I want to hear the number of three peats It's a Victorian show There's the servants

And then there's the upper class And oh there's so much struggle and unsaid But it's like a soap opera-y Kind of a Intrigue It's Edwardian. Oh, excuse me. I said... I'm sorry I called it Victorian. Jordan. I'm

a jerk. So there's... Less dropsy in this one. There's been two... Some dropsy. There's been two seasons of this show, right? Or series, as they're known in the UK. And I really... I loved the first series.

And I went to England to shoot Put This On a couple months ago. And while I was there, I was talking with our friend Colin Anderson, a BBC radio producer, and he had not watched it. But by then, the second series had not started here in the United States.

So it had not yet achieved beloved cult television status, which it has since here. But it was a hit show in the UK. It was a hit show in the UK from the start. And so I was joking with him about it. And I was, and he was saying, you know, he saw it as, you know, the way that we would see, I don't know, The Sopranos or something like that.

Except it's a little less classy, The Sopranos or something like that. Except it's a little less classy than The Sopranos. And I was trying to explain to him, well, you know, it's something that nobody really watches because nobody really watched the first series. So, you know, we let it slide. And he's like, well, I've heard the second series isn't quite as good as the first series. It's a little soapier. And I was a couple episodes into the second series at the time. And I'm like, I don't know, you know, it's pretty good. And maybe a little bit. About halfway through the second series at the time and I'm like I don't know you know it's pretty good maybe a little bit about halfway through the second series of Downton Abbey

shit just goes completely insane just shit goes completely fucking that's when they introduce the alternate timeline they basically do introduce it that's when you find out they're on an island there is an episode that

they flash sideways isn't that what they said they didn't lost there's a flash sideways there is an there is an episode that all but introduces an alternate timeline i'm not gonna i'm not gonna yeah i haven't seen it i'm excited to watch it so don't uh i'm not gonna spill the beans on what happens but i will do this i will say say that I remember watching Six Feet Under back when Six Feet Under was on television and thinking like, this is a pretty good show. It's a little bit flawed, but I think it could pull it together. And then at one point there was this episode where, what was the dude from Dexter? Michael C. Hall.

Yeah. So that guy was so wonderful on Six Feet Under. He's a very gifted actor. Yeah, so that guy was so wonderful on Six Feet Under. Yes, he was. He was a very gifted actor. Just brilliant on that show. And then there was just this episode where for no reason,

out of nowhere, he got kidnapped and raped a bunch of times. And it was like, it was like they were just, it was as though they had had a meeting in the story room

and they had been like, well, we had Dwight from The Office come on. Obviously obviously this is before he was dwight from the office and we weren't really sure what to do with that we just had him go around and dwight from the office a little bit it was completely off tone from the show and then eventually we just had him not be on the show anymore um so maybe we should just have one of our guys get kidnapped and raped. Yeah, why not? You know?

And then basically from then on, just, they're just like, every week we'll just think of a new, some crazy shit to happen. Just some crazy fucking shit will happen. Some jump the shark moments. Just some shit will go down. And I don't understand why on these television programs, there just seems to be a point where they're just like ah fuck it let's just have shit happen yeah for sure like it's it's like is is there fear of the show being boring that powerful that they're just like you know what we just because in Downton Abbey what happens towards the second half of the second series is just all of a sudden literally 10 things start happening per episode

like there will be the one crazy episode happens yeah and then all of a sudden the last three or so episodes of the second series the 10 crazy things happen a crazy thing happens to every character on the show i think the last every episode the last you know the first season of downton abbey they they they sustain an hour of pretty riveting drama on the fraudulent results of a flower show right which is what was so great which was what was so great about the show right i mean what was that was what made it a good show all right i haven't seen the show but let me let me suggest something that I think often happens with television shows. Like a good example would – well, all – but like Alias.

This happened with Alias. Does this fall into the muscular woman category? So I've clearly seen that show. I was going to cite the L word, but then I was like, no, no, I'll go with Alias. That's more relatable. We saw through your smokescreen. That's more relatable We saw through your smoke screen Anyway, so shows will come on the air

Where you can tell the person who created them Had this great initial concept But didn't imagine the entire arc Sure I've been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica Just the Starbuck parts Now hear me out But actually, now that I've just said Battlestar That is what you just said Just the Starbuck parts. Now, hear me out.

But actually, now that I've just said Battlestar... That is what you just said. Yeah, actually... That could have come out... Am I a ventriloquist? Season's really weird. Now that I've said that, just to make fun of... Cameron, if you want to just take five, we'll just do your bits from now on. You can come fill in for me next time.

Starbuck and I are the same gender. Don't you know it? If you guys just want to make fun of characters that are sort of like Natalie from Sports Night and me, but I think Battlestar Galactica is another show where they seem to have sort of had a plan for a little while. Yeah. And they're just like, ah, fuck it. Let's just have some different shit happen.

It just seems like they come on the scene with like, this is the great initial concept, but there's no parking spot. There's no garage. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're doing a lot of three-point turns. They're looking for ages. They're doing a lot of three-point turns.

They're being directed in the Trader Joe's parking lot by somebody, but they can't figure out how to- It's a busy parking lot. They pull in behind a guy. The lights are on. He's not backing up. It's just somebody who left their lights on. They're still in Trader Joe's.

Yeah, no, it's true. So I just feel like that's what's happened. What shows do not follow this formula? That would be an easier thing to be able to do. The Wire. Yeah, like The Wire. Right. The wire had a different context each season i think that would be how they you know yeah you want a genius grant

or whatever yeah award grant award yeah it's a grant grant yeah yeah it's a grant well it's an award that comes with a grant it's an award it's a grant an award grant well there's tremors the tv series on the sci-fi network sure i mean that had a very clear beginning, middle, and an end. Yeah. Sounds good. I just don't understand the part about why they just start having a lot of different stuff happen. I think it's just tough.

I think that it's just tough to... I think that it's just tough to... Because in TV, when you pitch a show, you're not thinking about season 10. You're thinking about, oh, God, I want to get a TV show on the air. You wouldn't believe how crazy it is. And then later, you actually wouldn't believe how crazy it is. Yeah, like as a guy for the... And the train's rolling, too. I think that's part of the problem, right?

Absolutely. Like as a guy for the— And the train's rolling, too. I think that's part of the problem, right? Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, and as a guy like— Like as a guy who for the first time has a pilot that someone could potentially buy from him, like, oh, fuck, I would not even begin to tell you what happens in season three of this show. I just want someone to pay me so I could work for a TV show, you know? And that's in a comedy where, in most situation comedies, the basis of it is that it begins in one place, goes through a crisis, and then returns to stasis. Sure, yeah, exactly.

Right? That it resolves back to zero so that you can start with anything you want in the next episode. Yeah, yeah. You're, no, listen, I know I'm not going to score big points. I'm just guessing I'm not going to score big points with you two on this, but I will tell you I think a show that did it very well backed me up, yeah. Listen, I know I'm not going to score big points. I'm just guessing I'm not going to score big points with you two on this,

but I will tell you I think a show that did it very well backed me up, listeners. Sex and the City. Sex and the City found an appropriate end. It changed tone a little bit in the middle. It started out kind of like a little bit VH1-y. There are some moments where in the first season the characters directly address the camera.

By the end of the show show it's overproduced and beautiful and so it doesn't look the same. There's a lot of parts where Paul Scheer is making comments about stuff. Yeah. It's a little VH1-y. Yeah, but as a...

And you're right, you probably won't get us to back you up. You don't have to back me up. But I would like to hear it from you. But as a – and you're right. You probably won't get us to back you up. You don't have to back me up. I'm just saying this. But I would like to hear it from you. So maybe the movies aside, you felt like Sex and the City was a journey that wrapped up in a satisfying way. I do. I also was just the right age where I was in college when that wrapped up. And all of my female friends would get together and like watch it together.

Cared about the characters. And most of the things they did made sense in a real life situation where you have an indeterminate amount of disposable income. Gotcha. As long as given that. Yes. If then. Yeah. Yeah. Given the fact that Carrie supposedly works as a freelance writer and has more monolaponics and then casually says the price of her shoes constantly.

Right. Given that, good show. Good arc. Sure. Good arc on that show. Oh, here's something that I heard recently. I started watching a few episodes of The X-Files on Netflix Instant, and this was a show that I did not watch as a kid, but just tried to turn on some episodes

out of curiosity and really started to have a good time with it. It's a lot of fun. But our friend Kamil Nanjiani recently went on a tirade about how it's the most disappointing ending of all times, and he hates it.

So I'm wondering whether I should continue or not. Am I just setting myself up for crushing disappointment? Justin, the intern, has a strong opinion about this. You're making a face. He says to stop after season five. Is that when Mulder or Scully leaves? No, they move. Well, this might be my own personal bias.

They move from Vancouver to Los Angeles. He's just upset that they move production. So there's not enough. So you see less poutine in the shots. He's upset that they moved the location away from his childhood. That's also funny because you just moved from Vancouver to Los Angeles. So think about that. Oh my god, that's what I was wondering.

You're getting worse. Jeez Louise. Justin, you're fired. That's number one. Go back to Canada. You're not wanted here. I wish I could watch it. I can watch scary things. I'm revoking your visa. It is a little bit scary. I can't deal with

there's a creature that lives in a sewer and has like no eyes or something. Yeah. Sightless creatures. Forget it. No mole monsters. The Vampire Slayer. And as you know, as a lesbian, I'm supposed to.

So it's really upsetting. That's right. Yeah, you have to watch a certain amount a year. It's like staying in SAG. You have to work a certain amount of hours to stay in the lesbian guild. You have to watch a certain amount a year. It's like staying in SAG. You have to work a certain amount of hours to stay in the lesbian guild. You have to watch... A lot of Alison Hannigan.

Real heavy on the Hannigan. Yeah. Heavy on Hannigan. Interesting. So she's in the lesbian community? She's a fixture? Well, she was a gay witch on that show. Oh, okay.

Okay, great. I find her adorable. In my own personal straight community, in my brain and penis. Oh my god, what's that? Tell me about it. We have a lot of parades. We're a very proud community.

What do you feel like you have to keep up on? That community enjoys standing at attention. Sure, yeah. There's a lot of flag ceremonies. Yeah, you base a flag? Yeah, we base a flag? Yeah, we base a flag and then some Marines have to come and fold it.

Yep. Am I still talking about my penis? I've seen that a lot. I think so. I've seen that. Well, don't... Yeah.

Yeah, no, we're a very proud community. Our interests are mainly Allison Hannigan, Christina Hendricks, other famous redheads. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. What are the other famous redheads. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

What are the other famous redheads? Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit, yes. We have a lot of, watch a lot of cartoons. So it's the three of those I can think of.

That's pretty much it. And the strange European woman of indeterminate origin from Transporter 3. Sure, yeah. She's great. She's good in everything. Run, Lola, Run. Yeah, sure. The movie. Sure, yeah. She's great. She's good in everything. Run, Lola, run.

Yeah, sure. The movie. And then Mila Jovovich is often the master of ceremonies. Oh my God. She is the master of everything.

So yeah. Am I still talking about my dick? Uh-huh. I think so. Okay, cool. Yeah, sweet. I mean...

It sounds fun. Anyway, so I just want to let people know. It doesn't get... It does... I just want to let people know. I just don't want people to be like, well, why didn't Jesse tell me about this? Because I feel so personal. I get so many emails about this that I know people personally,

they trust me on this one. And I just wanted to let people know that I'm aware of the issue and I'm working to resolve it. Are you going to stick with it? Yeah, I mean, it's not a total disaster.

It's just... Yeah, I feel like I love those characters so much to the point where even if the plotting went a little bit off the rails, I would just enjoy spending time with them. Here's the thing. I have such a hard time with television drama, with the arbitrariness of television drama that um i i might lose track of it i mean i really just have a hard time watching television drama for that

very reason i just when arbitrary stuff starts happening it just get I just get upset and stop wanting to watch it. And so I might end up checking out, but I'm not for now. I mean, they're holding on to me for now because I am very invested in the characters, but there's stuff happening. It sounds like you're, through this podcast, you're issuing PBS an ultimatum.

Are you saying put up or shut up? Technically, I'm issuing it to Julian Fellows and Sky TV. PBS is not the commissioning organization. They're simply a licensee. Fair enough. But this series or this season has already been filmed.

Yeah, and so is the Christmas special. And they've added Shirley McClain, and so is the Christmas special. Yeah. And they've added Shirley MacLaine, from what I understand. For season three. Yeah, I mean, she was great in The Apartment. Absolutely. She's a good crystal salesman also. You're right.

She did sell crystals. Yeah. So there's two points in her favor. Yeah, we'll see. I mean, I don't know i i hope that they'll i just want them to know that they don't have to have all of the things happen in every episode they can just have a couple of things happen in every episode and i'll be sad and i'll be satisfied they can have they can seriously... Seriously. They can just go back

to the flower show. If they want to have... Were the results fraudulent? They'll ask. They can have two stories in a 60-minute episode. That's enough for me. They don't need to have

nine stories. Well, I mean, maybe it's just an issue of kind of filling the time. Maybe they can have two stories... Yeah, they've got to fill those six hours a year.

And then more... And then they can add more loaded glances. Yeah. Are you saying just maybe the... What about the smoldering glances, though? Is there some smoldering glances? More glances, I think. I think one disappointment is that Mary has been a little bit angrier and a little less smoldering lately.

I can't talk about plot details again because I don't want to ruin anything for anyone. And so I guess there's been a little less smoldering going on within... She's been transferring a little less smoldering through the screen to me. Is the smoldering actualized in this show? I mean, is it... You don't need it to be.

I guess my question is, how British is it? How much peen do you see? Is that what you're asking? On a scale of one to British. No, I mean... Do peen do you see? Is that what you're asking? Do they show any schlong? Is that what you're asking? Well, yeah, I'm not interested unless they do. Is this a schlong slower? From a sociological perspective.

Listen, if you're looking for a TV drama with a lot of schlong, you're going to want to watch Spartacus, Blood and Sand on the Starz network. And all the Starbuck parts. No, really? Is that true? I was recently reading about that show. I haven't seen it. I actually watched the whole of Spartacus Blood and Sand that is available on Netflix Instant.

Oh, Jesus, Jordan. Here's what's going on on Spartacus Blood and Sand. Jordan. What? You're What's Wrong with America. It's a ridiculous show, but it's a lot of fun. Have you watched any of it? It's not a terrible show.

You're Why Party Down got canceled. Oh, yeah, exactly. Because I retroactively watched Spartacus on Starz. It's not an... I mean, it's along the lines of like a, you know... I'm trying to think of something that it's akin to quality-wise. Got a lot of shouting. Really long 300.

A lot of nudity. Like a really long 300? Yeah, like a really long 300. Like a true blood. And I know that's kind of a shitty show, but it's fun in the same way that that show's fun. You're having a lot of nude Xena in Spartacus, and you're having a lot of muscular men having nude arguments with each other. Xena, the warrior princess. Yeah, yeah.

The character of Xena, the warrior princess? The actress. It's in an alternate universe. You're telling me that there's a Lucy Lawless in this show? Did you not get this in your lesbian e-newsletter? Guys, I don't know what I've been doing. Well, I haven't been returning my lesbian mail. I've only been using my regular email.

Oh, okay. Well, since you're visiting L.A., you probably put your lesbian mail on hold. Yeah, I did. Vacation hold. Yeah, I do put that on hold. It just goes into a giant bra. Or a giant not bra. Right. Vacation hold. I do put that on hold. It just goes into a giant bra. Or a giant not bra. Right.

Depending on... A giant sarong. A giant armpit hair? Yeah. Does that work? No, why not? Lucy Lawless, speaking of Battlestar Galactica, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. She was on that. She is a real striking lady. Yeah, she's speaking of Battlestar Galactica, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. She was on that.

She is a real striking lady. Yeah, she's Australian. Wow, just sitting around talking chicks. She's tough. Hey, dude, you guys want to pound some brews later? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, about it whatever okay she's arranging for do you want me to live here yes i do want you to live here you seem like a fun lady you're a fun lady i didn't mean to okay imply i don't want to live here let's talk about first of all makepixelart.com we should because they're the best sure they're the best. Sure. They're amazing. The best place for making pixel art is MakePixelArt.com.

And they have an app. Woo. Now let's talk about Stack Soap. Thanks for taking that one home. Was that do this thing? That was great. That was great. Well, I'm a bit of a musician.

It was really good. It shows. Stack Soap. Carol. I mean, not Carol. Cameron. But what if my name was Carol? God, I would be such a different person. Yeah, you would be. You'd be a lot more pleasant to hang around, I'll, not Carol, Cameron. But what if my name was Carol? God, I would be such a different person.

Yeah, you would be. You'd be a lot more pleasant to hang around, I'll tell you that much. Old-timey, too. Kind of old-timey. Cameron, I know you have a lot of problems with slivers of soap. What happens is you get to that last sliver, and of course it's convex. I mean, you don't have to describe this to me. I've said this to you so many times.

You want to save it, and your bar of soap, what shape is that? It's also convex. So you want to mush them together. What happens? There's only one point of contact, because that's the nature of these things. They're two convex surfaces. They're only going to come together in this one tiny place. If only there was a soap that had

a concave surface so that when your bar got down to a sliver, you could take a fresh bar out and a beautiful concave surface and you could push that sliver into that concave surface. It would fit perfectly and create a

perfectly beautiful round new bar, thus eliminating soap waste. It's like a soap Lego. I wish there was such a thing. Here's my concern. Yeah. With this product. Right.

Which is, what's the... Stack soap. Stack soap. Here's my concern with stack soap. Right. Great idea. Yeah. Innovative.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Great idea. Yeah. Innovative. Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. What if the last sliver of your stack soap is the concave part, and then you put it on the concave part of your new bar of stack soap? If you put the concave part on top of the other concave part, does that create a black hole? Yes. Okay. But that's one of the advantages. Are you talking about like a singularity?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure, where machines become smarter than us, and then a black hole crushes Malcolm Gladwell. That's why they're so popular among supervillains and despots. Oh, okay. Anyway, it has a... Are you a power-mad South American dictator? Do you want to have a black hole to keep the U.S. and Israel in line?

It has a Kickstarter at stacksoap.com where you can kick some money in, you can get some of this stack soap. Nothing on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron next week, go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap. It's easy. A couple hundred bucks. We will share your message, be it personal or commercial, right here on Jordan Jesse Go.

If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go on a continuing basis, email our development director, Teresa, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you me, Elizabeth, in Oregon. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. Hey, Elizabeth! Hi! We know you, apparently. Do we? I don't know. She sounds nice. I love what she said.

I liked her. That's great. She won me already. Yeah. In fact, I want to hear it again. I'm so excited about it. That was a lot of fun. No, I like the familiarity.

Jordan, Jesse, it's me, Elizabeth, in Oregon. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I was just hiking in the woods with my dogs and we emerged from the woods overlooking a pond and two beautiful ducks immediately took flight up over the pond and then I followed them with my eyes and then I saw at the edge of the woods across the way a coyote looking right at me and we stared at each other for a second and then it turned and went off into its woods and I turned and went off into my woods and it was fucking magical nature am i right yeah you're right wow that was how that was high energy i could i could feel the adrenaline in the call i like that she and the coyote had separate woods yeah yeah i like that she lives in the woods

that's why she's so excited about this fucking coyote. I know. And these fucking ducks. That's why you put the fucking phone number 206-944-FIND in your cell phone. Because when shit goes down, we want to get it in the moment. Those ducks, man. She followed me right. In the future, if you come across another coyote or any wild dog, you're going to want to make makeshift claws for yourself by breaking breaking glass and taping them to your hand you sure are you sure but don't let us see what happens no please don't let us see what happens please don't let us see the most awesome part of the movie right away that's the

only reason we came to that stupid movie in the first place it just wasn't stupid it was good i liked it but i would like i would like a logical thriller i would have liked for to see the wolf fight i liked that they kept looking directly at the camera And saying this is an allegory You know that right Yes exactly None of this is actually happening This is Algalorical

This is Al Gore Writing the script Well it was about hatred Yeah it was about global warming Is what caused all those wolves to attack. That is a global warming play. Liam Neeson and his vaguely ethnic friends. David from Milwaukee.

Momentification was just dropping off a movie at Blockbuster, which was already kind of charmingly anachronistic, just as it was opening today. a day and there was can i just say that the best thing about blockbuster is and i don't mean to cut this guy off but uh the best thing about blockbuster is every blockbuster that goes out of business it says this location only yes exactly yeah nope nope blockbuster it is not this location only it is everyone in 10 miles of here yeah many blockbusters are going out of business. Many, many. I wish more blockbusters were exploded and then immediately replaced by a Redbox. Just visually. A huge Redbox that you could go inside and had a lot of people at work there.

Yep, that's right. Is Redbox lesbian slang for something? Not. Just wanted to check it. Just made it to make sure. I mean, I don't. That's what you guys call Allison Hannigan, right?

Well, yeah. Oh, I didn't know if you meant outside of Allison Hannigan. Just as it was opening today, there was probably a 75-year-old man in a big overcoat,

a huge furry hat. The second they opened the door, he just runs up to the person and says, hey, you got that rum diary? Apparently, a 75-year-old man who looks semi-homeless said, Johnny, that's him. Didn't know 75-year-old man who looks at my home

looks like he had shone it up there. Didn't know this. Have a great one. That's fun. That's good. He's looking for a rum diary. Got that rum diary? Hey.

But he meant like an actual rum diary. You guys sell booze, right? Yeah. He thought he was talking about a movie. Sounded like a cry for help maybe. Yeah. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Yeah. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse.

Hi, guest. This is Josh out in Seattle. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I am a soon-to-be transgendered woman, and I just took my first dose of lady pills. That's awesome. On the way home from the pharmacy, I saw a man wearing a very nice three-piece suit gliding down the sidewalk on Heelys. Pretty magical. All right.

Love the show. Thanks. A life-changing moment and then a life-changing moment. Boom, boom. Left, right. Yeah. Which one is more significant?

It's really impossible to say. It is. First you go to the body, then you go to the head. That's how you take them down. Yeah. One, two, punch. Do you think they make a Heely

for formal wear? Like when you're wearing a suit you think they make a Healy for formal wear? Like when you're wearing a suit, do they make a wingtip Healy? Or like a black tie Healy? Like a patent? Like a black patent or an evening pump Healy? Really? I would like to have an evening pump Healy. You know, I'm a big supporter of the wearing of evening pumps, which is a type of black tie shoe

that is a slip-on with a grosgrain bow on it. I think it looks a lot better than a patent leather, black patent leather shoe, which I think always tends to look like you're going to the prom. And this is like... Or to your Madrigals performance. Yeah, exactly. Like, this is a little bit...

Madrigals. I got excited about it. You just got excited because you thought you might be going to see Al Madrigal. Al Madrigal. Yeah. There's more than one of him. No, my sister was a Madrigal singer. I was trying to describe this to somebody yesterday.

Yeah. They didn't believe me this was a thing. I was like, they wore outfits. Yeah, you wear a little tux. There was holding of... Sure. You hold your own hand. Anyway. It's like school choir. Yeah, you wore a little tux. There was holding of... Sure. You hold your own hand. Anyway.

It was like school choir. Yeah. So this type of shoe, it's called an opera pump or an evening slipper. It's like a one-piece slip-on shoe, like a loafer, but it's a whole cut. There's no seam around the toe. Is this for a gentleman? It's for a gentleman. It's called an opera pump?

Yeah. That is a great name for a gentleman's shoe. Well, this is the oldest gentleman's shoe that there is. This type of shoe has been being worn by men continuously

since the 17th century or something like that. This is like the kind of shoe that you would have worn with fucking pantaloons if you were Louis Couture or something like that. So still relevant.

Yeah, still relevant today. And it looks, the thing is, when you're wearing a tuxedo, it So still relevant. Yeah, still relevant today. And it looks, the thing is, when you're wearing a tuxedo, it looks fucking tremendous. Yeah. But if you look at it like just at a store or something,

you think, oh, that looks like a lady's shoe. And so this is a constant fight I have on Put This On is people are like, hey, I ain't wearing a homo shoe. You know what I'm talking about? And I like you know why are they wait why are they reading a men's fashion blog but worried about looking like a hobo right yeah i mean this is i i yes agreed yes agreed i'm not saying that i'm not saying that your stuff is homo i'm just saying

that if you're looking at a men's fashion blog, you should like fashion, right? Why are you some weird enthusiastic dude? Anyway. It seems weird to have a falling off there. Yeah. It seems weird that there would be a line in the sand that you draw. Pretty specific cliff. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like, hey, I ain't no fag. You're like, well, no, you definitely are. That's like saying. If we're going to get into who is and who isn't a fag yeah and it's not about wanting to do it with dudes then yes you are well i think that's like going to a bar and saying like whoa you brought me a daiquiri i ordered a pomegranate martini please i also think that bring that that can go ahead and and stop happening guys yeah guys can go ahead and stop saying that Guys can go ahead and stop saying that.

Because the thing is, we'll know if you are. Yeah, because you'll be the one with the dick in your mouth. Yeah, you'll just be married to a man. You know what I mean? Exactly. Yeah, so it'll be... You'll be the one who's like, hey, that guy's hot. Yeah, right.

You'll be the one who lives in West Hollywood and makes a lot. You'll just be really clear. So anyway, but even irrespective of the heterosexual, homosexual, if you want to talk about it in terms of gender continuum, I don't think it is a feminine shoe when worn. I think it's actually very elegant when worn.

But I can see when you see it in and of itself, you're like, oh, that looks like a lady's shoe. So that's the issue, right? And I do these eBay roundups for Put This On where I find stuff on eBay. And we do a post on Put This On twice a week where we post stuff that we think is really cool that's on eBay that's from whatever, brands you've never heard of, or, you know, weird, you know, Savile Row houses and stuff like that, you know, rare artisanal stuff and stuff that you would have to work really hard to find on eBay if you just didn't, if we weren't making a list of it.

Right. And I find when I find evening slippers, because they're, because they're sort of a special thing, they're only made by people who make really expensive shoes. And so if you want to buy them, you have to go to an expensive shoemaker and they will end up costing $500 or $600. So when I see them on eBay, when I catch them, you know, usually people who are selling them, they don't know what they are. So they don't know what to call them. So they're hard to search for on eBay. So if I see one, I'll put it in the roundup, right? Because I know people, a lot of

people like to have a tuxedo on hand in case they have to go to a black tie thing, and they might want the more elegant footwear option. They'd rather pay $100 for it on eBay than $500 in the store. So I found this one pair. When I find them, I usually put them in the thing. I found this one pair and it said men's evening shoe. I was like, oh. I saw it. I was like, oh, there's a pair of opera pumps. That's great.

I'll put it in the roundup. And then the sub headline was sissy boy, adult baby. What? Those were... Oh, they were for a fetish. Those were... They were fetish wear for that person.

So here's the thing. I looked at the person's other auctions. I'm like, I got to find out if this is a person that specializes in sissy boy and adult baby stuff. Yeah. Or if this is just a person who found these shoes, thought, I don't know who wears these. I guess sissy boys and adult babies. They got to put those in the descriptor. Or else the sissy boys and adult babies. They gotta put those in the descriptor. Or else the sissy boys and adult babies

ain't gonna be able to find this thing. And the guy's also selling giant clothespins. Big head bonnet. This was a total outlier. They were selling miscellaneous stuff. It was not a fetish

themed seller so a lot of like duck lamps just miscellaneous crap just a person who just sells miscellaneous crap on ebay they just saw these shoes and they figured you know how I'm gonna unload these things adult babies and sissy boys

they expect you're gonna wear that with like a sailor suit I guess like a JFK Jr saluting yeah like a giant lolly yeah I think you're gonna they think they think you're. Oh, like a little lollipop. Like a JFK Jr. saluting. Yeah, like a giant lolly. Yeah, I think you're going to, they think they think that you're going to wear it with a giant lolly.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess there are like, you know, fans of, you know, fans of old time fashion, but I mean, are they more ravenous than the fans, than like guys

who need it to get off? You know, I mean, who's just, who's going to put down the most money? But here's the thing. I don't think that the guys who need it to get off need it to get off. I don't think mean, who's going to put down the most money? But here's the thing. I don't think that the guys who needed to get off are needed to get off. I don't

think this is what they're looking for. You were saying it was mislabeled. Did you write that person an appropriate note? I wondered what I should do about it. I just put it in the roundup. I mean, here's my concern. There could be some overlap between people who... I wasn't sure what

to do about it. I wasn't sure what the appropriate course of action was. So the thing is that sometimes a Cary Grant look can be mistaken for an adult baby look, is what you're saying. Right. If it's not John Wayne, it's got to be an adult baby. It's a very Cary Grant aesthetic, and it turns out to be a Baby Huey type situation. Sure, sure. Baby with a C guy. I mean, have you just thought about including more sissy boy adult baby stuff in your eBay roundup?

I probably should put more sissy boy and adult baby stuff in there. That's a good idea. You know, like a wig with ringlet curls. Sure. Like a boy blue sort of a staff, like an oversized sort of shepherding staff. Sure, a shepherd's crook. Well, I mean, it's not... Lil' wooden sailboat.

I mean, how far is it from vintage peacoat to sailor suit, right? No, I guess it's not a lot. I mean, all you got to do is you put those pants with the buttons on the front. You know what I'm talking about, them sailor pants with the buttons on the front. I was lost in my own head thinking about that person. So if that's true and that person just, you know. This person was selling seriously books and lamps. Oh, randomized.

So what's cool about that is that we live in a world where that person is aware of the idea that there might be a sissy boy adult baby subculture. And that's a positive thing. I think that is a very. Sure. It's a democratic. It's a new day. think that is a very sure it's a democratic it's a new day hey it's not my thing no but very dan savage you know right yeah exactly sure no i think you're right i think yeah maybe this is super sick i would read as i would read it as sex positive right am i shooting myself in the foot with these guys that are concerned they may look like a lady

if they wear these shoes that i have just put up a thing that says that they may imply that they'll look like a sissy boy adult baby if they wear these shoes. Although, you know, if you look in that guy's other eBay auctions, there's a first edition, first printing of John Grisham's The Firm, and underneath it says, Step on my balls with high heels. Monster women. Yeah, sure. Monster women. Yeah. Sure. We'll be back.

Squish eggs with bare feet. We'll be back in just a second. Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Cameron Esposito. That's me.

It's been a real blast to have you on the program, Cameron. I always feel like I should say something after my name. Yeah, well, Boy Detective. Cameron Esposito. That's me. It's been a real blast to have you on the program, Cameron. I always feel like I should say something after my name. Yeah, well, you can. That's a tradition. Yeah. You've been doing good. Side mulleteer. Side mulleteer.

Yeah. Great. You have a bit of a side mullet. A big one, yeah. Well, like an average size probably. That's like a standard side mullet. Standard issue. They're usually about

that length. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They are. Cameron, it has really been fun to have you on the program.

I love talking with you guys. Yeah. Isn't it fun? People across America of course can enjoy your stand-up comedy as your touring

stand-up comic. If they live in Chicago of course they can see you have a regular show in Chicago, right? I do. We're on, that's

actually on hiatus right now but you can check out CameronEsposito.com. You know why? Because I'm here. That's why. You know what I mean? Kicking it with us. So I'll be back in Chicago in March and I'll be doing some stuff there.

Well, it's almost March already. So go to CameronEsposito.com. That's right. E-S-P-O-S-I-T-O. Nailing it. Nailing it. Or follow you on Twitter at CameronEsposito. Yeah. And you can findailing it. Nailing it. Or follow you on Twitter at Cameron Esposito. Yeah.

And you can find out what's up with CE. What's up with your girl, CE? If there's any hot, tough chicks out there. I'll always keep you abreast. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah, sure. Boobs.

Oh. Oh, guys. Jordan, you're going to be gone next week. Yeah, I am. So luckily I got one Mr. Nick Adams to fill in. It's going to be fun for the listener. Holy shit. I got to pick a tweet of the week, my friend.

Oh, yeah. Traditionally, Cameron, just so you know, the tradition is that I have forgotten to pick a tweet of the week. And so Jordan and you, the guest, have to fill time while I pick something. I'm going to make some small talk. So, Cameron, are you going to eat dinner after this? Probably going to get some, if I can find any, pizza or something that looks like a pizza. Just some sort of melted cheese.

Even a taco is kind of a pizza. It is a little bit like a South of the Border pizza. Do you have loyalty to Chicago-style pizza? No, I hate deep dish pizza. Oh, interesting. It's terrible, and it only makes you feel bad. Yeah. Yeah, it's the worst food of all the foods.

Yeah, I don't like it at all. So you're glad to be away from that nonsense. Get it out of here. Okay. Well, they don't really have too much deep dish pizza. It would be like if I came here and I just constantly wore a lot of board shorts. Sure. You know, like if I wore board shorts to meetings and board shorts to get my coffee.

Yeah. To get your side mullet detailed. My cold press. Yeah. That's a thing that exists out here people are really excited about. Oh, I don't know what a cold press is. We don't have fancy enough coffee compared to what's happening here. You guys just drink a warm cup of blue cheese dressing in the morning.

We drink a warm cup of blue cheese dressing that's been dropped into a deep dish pizza. Kind of like a Jaeger bomb. Yeah, sure. Like an Irish car bomb, something like that. Yeah, exactly. So you guys just slam one of those in the morning. It's called a Mayor Daily. And they're not renaming it for the new mayor, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Because who cares about him? Yeah, I know. And you're driving. You're driving to New York. Yeah, I am. Are you going to stop in my city? I'm not going to stop in Chicago. What are you doing instead of Chicago?

How are you guys? Philadelphia. That's not even, that's way further east. Yeah, that's our. Where in the, where in the heck? We're going like like, from... You're going... So the listeners know, I think, when you're hearing this, I'm going to be in the middle

of filming this road trip web series. And, yes, I will be going from Austin to Philadelphia. That's the... That's... We're skipping a lot of America. That is so upsetting. I'm sorry. That's my whole...

I did not plan the route. Yeah. Well, let them know. I will let them know. Philadelphia's great, though. Philadelphia's neat. I'm sorry. That's my whole... I did not plan the route. Yeah. Well, let them know. I will let them know. Philadelphia's great, though. Philadelphia's neat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Liberty Bell. Ben Franklin Museum. Right. Cheesesteak. What is now Rocky? Rocky. Tasty Cakes. Yep.

Uh-huh. Art Museum with the Rocky Stairs. Have you, and you're, in being a stand-up comedian, have you ever had to drive a long distance for a gig? For sure, yeah. Oh, and I guess as a circus performer, too, you mentioned there's a van involved. There is a van involved. What's the longest you've driven? Well, we drove, in the circus van, we drove from Chicago to L.A. and then up to Seattle and then back to Chicago. Oh, wow.

So that was a pretty big trip. Yeah. Because that's all of America, pretty much. But I also went to school in Boston and I drove that a lot. Chicago to Boston. Okay. In 17 hours. Yeah.

And I would drive that. That's significant. I don't know who at Rich Priority is, but he just wrote, Stronger than ever despite the setbacks and recent tragedy. And hashtagged it JJ Go. It's a very sincere tweet. Yeah. Yeah.

But more powerful than ever, 2012, Go Ape. That's our theme. I'm sticking with it. God bless you. Way to go. And I also want to thank, we're just continuing to get a fucking amazing artwork with our 2012 theme.

You have until the end of the month, so, I mean, you can make them anytime. amazing artwork with our 2012 theme um you have until the end of the month so uh and you i mean you can make them anytime at the end of the month we're going to give out an xbox uh we'll announce it probably on next week's program so uh keep putting those up on our facebook page uh just search for jordan desi go on facebook uh and if even if you're not going to make something go take a look at all these songs and videos and pictures people have made on this more powerful than ever theme. It is tremendous. Yeah, I saw some of that stuff, actually.

It looks pretty darn... These people are very creative. Dedicated. What a dedicated and competent fan base. These are talented people. They are competent. Competent. Hey, guys, thanks for being so competent.

It's almost like you could imagine them eating a pomegranate at their desk. Yeah. With a terrifying look in their eyes. We'll talk to you next time, huh? Next week? I'll see you guys next week. I've taken over the show. You live here now, right?

I live here at this house. On Jordan and Jessica. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show.

It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many push-ups does it take to look like a werewolf? That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org.

We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry. We're sorry.