Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 214: Rhythm Nation

Episode Date: March 5, 2012

Nick Adams fills in for Jordan this week and guest Mike Schmidt joins to talk about home food delivery and celebrity sweat.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle in for Jordan, and we're joined by Mike Schmidt.

We talk about produce and other important matters. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Sitting in today, Nick Repeat Adams. Nick, what kind of refreshment have you purchased at the Superior? Thanks to my good friends down at Superior, I am enjoying a Pacifico. It's a balmy Southern California day, perfect day for a Pacifico, courtesy of Superior.

for a Pacifico courtesy of Superior. I figure if I just do the segment, then they'll give me the deal after. So I just went ahead and did a Superior ad. I would like... I'm sure the phone will be ringing. You know, there's been a lot of talk about how difficult it is to sell big national brands on podcast sponsorships.

I mean, there's a lot of reasons. Can't do it. Hasn't been done before. Comedy podcast hosts are loose cannons. You never know what they're going to say about your brand. You know, they's a lot of reasons. Can't do it. Hasn't been done before. Comedy podcast hosts are loose cannons. You never know what they're going to say about your brand. You know, they might tarnish your brand's image. It's difficult to track the cause and effect of the audience. Mustachioed hipster dads, notoriously mercurial.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's a difficult situation. That's why right now what we're focusing on is, you know, local, non-union, ethnic grocery stores. Yeah. Yeah. Untapped market. El Superior. Mm-hmm.

If you're listening out there, we will talk up the fact that you have a tortilleria in the store. Mm-hmm. You make tortillas right there in the store. Maybe you've been thinking about going out and killing and butchering a whole pig. No, no. They have all the parts at Superior. You don't need to go kill an entire pig.

They have every piece of the pig available for purchase. Every piece is available at the Superior. And hey, guess what? Everyone who listens to this program knows how I feel about the satsuma, the delicious citrus fruit that is perhaps my most beloved food. Have you had a sumo mandarin recently? Oh, we've talked about sumo mandarins on the program. Okay, they were a big hit at work, and people were talking, and I just wanted to let you know.

Nick, I don't want you to think that I have not talked on this program about sumo mandarins because we dedicated a solid five to ten minutes to sumos on the show. Bigger, like a bigger, more bang for your buck. I know. It's like a giant satsuma i think it's an amazing amazing food product great but you can't get it around the country it's very difficult to get if you're outside of california i don't want to rub salt

in people's wounds who live in the wisconsin's the minnesota's sorry ever mind yeah enjoy your pancakes yeah you're ben and jerry's you got your your, what's that called when you tap the maple tree? Maple syrup. Syrup, syrup. I could remember that you tap a maple tree, but I couldn't remember what comes out. The one thing that you need to know about maple trees. You can't remember. Can I tell you what? I may have mentioned this once on Jordan Jesse Go, but not the funniest thing I ever thought of,

but probably my favorite thing that I ever thought of was if there was ever a rapper from Vermont. Which is great, just already. His album would be a Pen and Pixel. Do you remember Pen and Pixel? They did all the covers for Cash Money and No Limit in the early days. The Photoshop with piles of money. I didn't even know there was a name for it. I just thought it was a dude in Atlanta with a P.O. box just thought it was a dude in Atlanta with like a P.O. box.

It basically was a dude in Atlanta with a P.O. box. But that classic sort of mid to late 90s hip hop cover aesthetic, stacks of money, strippers in the background, random guns. This would be, you know, maple trees, maple syrup in the background, different Vermont stuff, maybe some Ben and Jerry's and the album would be... Just bottles and bottles of maple syrup, like to show you how much of a baller he is. The album would be called Tappin' Mapes and Stackin' Papes.

That's pretty great. Thank you. That's pretty great. Should we introduce our guest on the show? We should. You know him, of course, as the host of the 40-Year-Old Boy podcast. You know him as a legend in the world of, you know, being able to talk for an astonishingly...

You couldn't even finish that sentence. Okay, baseball. Let's just say a legend in the world of Philadelphia Phillies baseball. Michael Schmidt. Mike Schmidt, how you doing, pal? Hey, man, I'm good, thanks. I enjoy you pointing out the fact that Satsuma is your favorite food product. I venture to say it's your favorite thing in the world.

I do love satsumas. Better than your child. I mean, seriously, I picture you with like a cock ring made of satsuma skin. I mean, dude. Well, it's so easy to peel. You can peel right around the satsuma and then stick it right onto your shalom. Sure. I would not surprise me at all.

I'm sure there's a... This is your new home. I haven't been here. Thank you. There's got to be a Satsuma room, right? He said as though he had complimented the home. I was going to let it slide. Yeah.

But yeah, it's gorgeous. All right. I need more stairs, but other than that, it's fine. There are a lot of stairs in my home. Holy God. And you've got to come get me. That's the weirdest thing. There's no buzzer for the gate.

No, no. You ring the bell and he's got to walk down this fucking Norma Desmond staircase and go grab you it's also if there's a fire we're all gonna die oh sure we are we're locked in all right good uh but yeah there's got to be a satsuma room in here somewhere right just like yeah no there's a satsumary it's what it's called okay it's for dry storage you actually have real ones and then stuffed ones and you put faces on them gorgeous thorny where does the satsuma grow? What region of America? It's grown in California and Louisiana.

Now, on these fine grounds, surely there is room for a fabulous satsuma tree. I'm with Nick. That's the kind of improvement that I'm not entirely certain. That's the kind of improvement I'm not certain I should be making on rental property. Maybe. Planting a tree? That's the kind of thing where I feel like I'm putting a little bit too much effort into something that I don't own. You dig a hole, you throw a tree in there, then Mother Nature takes over.

It's California. I've got a lot of grapefruits. I'll tell you that much right now. This town is lousy with grapefruits. I want to establish some sort of trading route, you know, like a spices for grapefruits for Satsuma's thing. Oh, nice. Here's the moment I knew that I think it crystallized why people stay in Southern California.

Jesse and I were talking about this. The theory is that people don't necessarily stay here and decide to stay here. They just don't leave. For me. I think people just stick around and stick around. The next thing you know, you're an L.A. person. I can see that. I'm walking down the street one day and I'm realizing there is a rotten grapefruit

split on the sidewalk that has fallen off a tree from an apartment building. Like, the streets are literally rotting with citrus. Anywhere else you go in the world, is this a freaking grapefruit just on the ground? Pick it up. Take it home. We won, we got a freaking prize

Cover it in salt and bury it, we can eat it in six months Citrus is just falling out of the sky In Southern California There are places, I mean, there are places Where you still just get a grapefruit for Christmas And that's all you get You go to Hawaii, they're just Trying to get rid of pineapple

When you check in a hotel, they just give you a pineapple Because they just have a ton of it I give you a pineapple. Take it, please. Because they just have a ton of it. I say you plant a Satsuma tree on here, and you keep half for yourself, and you get into a little contract with El Superior to carry the Jesse Thorne Satsuma. Branding. The Thorne branding. It's all about branding, guys.

Hybrid. Make a hybrid of it. Dude, I think you're in. And Superior's on board, of course. Yeah, what do they care? I'm an icon in the Mexican-American community. Of course you are. Oh, this is tremendous.

Revenue streams, Jesse. It's all about revenue streams. That's fantastic. You wrote the paper on it. You know what you're doing. Yeah. Oh, man. Do your Satsuma thing.

Do you think I could become known as the king of the Mexican-American Satsuma market? Jesse, Jesse, here's how i think and like say let's say you follow just like pardon me just like dora the explorer is the queen of the mexican american tiny backpack market i don't i don't follow russell simmons on twitter but i imagine if you do you get a lot of like observations like this don't just don't think you can be that just be that oh that's a good point just become that guy and now you don't have to follow Russell Simmons on Twitter

that's what it is I'm guessing no I love Russell Simmons good thing you threw that in just in case come after me of course I love Russell Simmons I'm 39 and black.

I'm not an idiot. Sure. All of black Hollywood was... All four of them. Had one eyebrow up. Is he about to speak ill of Uncle Simmons?

And then they just allowed it to relax. Yeah. Somewhere in America, Hank Shockley woke up. Yeah. What the... All right, all right.

Bomb squad jokes, folks. That's right. Take them. Run with them. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Nick Repeat Adams.

I'm Mike Schmidt. Hi. It's great to have you on the show, Mike. Thanks for having me. Thanks for pointing at me so I knew to talk. The audience didn't know about the point that comes at the end of that. I reveal all. You already revealed my plans to become the king of the Mexican-Americans.

Reveal? Bullshit. I gave you those plans. Don't even. Sorry. Are you going to cut me out? Literally, in like four minutes, I'm cut out of this. Where's my segment?

What? You want a piece of this? I'm cut out of this. Where's my segment? What? You want a piece of this? I'll get a box of oranges, right? I mean, I'm sure I won't get any money, but if I get a box of Satsumas, because last time I was here, that's what you did. You forced them upon me. It was like Mr. Moose. They fell on me like ping pong balls.

Well, when they're in season, they're so cheap at the Superior, too. If you go to the Whole Foods, my wife went to the superior too if you go to the whole foods if you go to the whole foods my wife went to the whole foods because she had to buy some kind of vitamins or something that she buys at the whole foods and she came back and she said oh satsumas were on sale at the whole foods so i bought you some and i was like thanks sweetie and she said uh they were such and such amount of pound how much much did they cost at the Superior? And they cost half as much as the Superior. Standard price.

Once again, another selling point for Superior. The synergy is just, it's already there, Jesse. Half price citrus, all the parts of a pig, Pacifico. Come on, who's not there? What else do you need? The butcher doesn't even know what veal is. He gets angry at you when you explain to him what it is. He thinks you're mispronouncing goat. But that's not what you go.

When you go to Superior, that's not where you're going there. You don't go to Whole Foods and ask them for chitlins. You just don't do that. That's not the move because that's not where you go to Whole Foods. I don't know. In 2012, you might go to Whole Foods and ask them for chitlins. I guess. I don't know.

Maybe you've been to Animal And you're like Jones and Try some sort of I don't know You can cop a few trotters Or something I don't even know what that is A little crispy pig face

Some little Yeah Some pig face Animal's the best Pig face? Is it a trotter? No a trotter's a little hoof It's a foot

Oh okay But at Animal You can get crispy pig face That place is great I've only been to that place once Because literally It's like Hey

I was thinking about Making reservations For for a couple weeks from now. Yeah, go fuck yourself. What is Animal? Is this a Los Angeles restaurant of food? Yeah. And then these same guys opened up Son of a Gun. Which I just ate there last week. Which is great, but it's like seafood.

But Animal is about meat. Meat, meat, meat. Yeah. Meat is really good. Yeah, they have a poutine with an oxtail gravy. Oh, wow. And then they got barbecue pork belly sliders, dude. Dang.

They go for it. They go all out. So good. It's Animal and Son of a Gun, best restaurants in Los Angeles. Oh, wow. Yes, sir. That's exciting to me. Baking chocolate bar.

You guys want to take a quick break? Let's do it. Let's go. Let's go eat some peach. We're B-S-O- guys want to take a quick break? Let's do it. Let's go. Let's go eat some peach. B-S-O-L trying to go there. We're celebrities, right? We could get short notice reservations. You're like Abe Froman.

You're like you. You are Jesse Thorne, the king of Mexican citrus in Southern California. With the shorts. Just wear the shorts and we'll get in. I'll just get them on the phone and say, hi, this is Jesse Thorne from IFC last year for a while, for a few months. For four or five months, I had a show on IFC. From Bullseye? Yeah.

No, it's not on the radio here in Los Angeles. No, yeah. PRI, it's like NPR. No, it's not NPR. It's a lot like NPR, though. Do you like NPR? I've met Michael Cera before. Oh, hold on. On the phone.

Yeah, it was on the phone, but he was quite nice to me. I've shook hands with Zach Galifianakis. Can I please just eat the trotters? I'm telling you, man. You start out, like, here's the thing. Yeah, I'm listening. Animal, they make all the parts of the animal, right? True.

You can get it from your locally sourced organic blah-de-blah, or you can strike a deal. Superior. They supply you with all of your various things of the pork that should be thrown away that you're going to make into food. My friend. It's all there. It's all there. You just have to bring it together. My friend Benjamin Harrison, who is the director of season two of Put This On.

Not the former president. Benjamin Harrison. My friend Ben Harrison, who is the director of season two of Put This On, lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And he lives in a house that his apartment looks like it should be in a sitcom about a group of people that live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You actually work, you're a writer on the television program The New Girl, which is set in... Just New Girl. A New Girl, excuse me.

Sorry. And that is set in a downtown Los Angeles loft, which looks like the set of a sitcom about a group of young people that live in a downtown Los Angeles loft. Yeah, it's this show that you watch and you go, I just want to move into that place right now, like immediately. Yeah. And he lives, my friend Ben lives in a place like that in Brooklyn.

A little less palatial, but that kind of thing. And I'm jealous of that enough as it is. Right. You know, I have a great house here in Los Angeles, but I'm jealous of that enough as it is right you know i have a great house here in los angeles but i'm jealous of his lifestyle but the thing that makes me most jealous of his lifestyle is for a while we were getting this grocery box you guys know about grocery box yeah and to get this grocery box our grocery box was like a public service grocery box. We didn't have to quite have to line up at the church to get it. Like, it didn't quite have cup of noodles and, like, you know, protein pellets.

I'm going to stop you. What is it? I don't know what that is. Okay. So you know how you can get... It's actually something I've been curious about and thinking about doing for, like, years, but I never get around to doing it. Okay.

You can get, like, produce, in some cases delivered to your home or you can order it directly from the farm oh okay oh i've seen those like on websites and stuff yeah exactly when you say you were getting it i thought you meant it was like a neighborhood thing or literally like a government program yeah so that's the thing like there's different grades of this box thing so there's there's things called uhSAs, which is where you're basically buying a share of the farmer's output. Okay. Right? And that's like the granola.

I like it. I like it. That's the one I like. I'm into that right there. I'm totally into that. that we had was the uh was the one that's closest to a government program which is to say uh it wasn't quite like i said it wasn't quite lining up for the food bank but it was designed to like the price we paid full price but there was a subsidized version and it was for neighborhoods that don't have access to gross to to produce. So you're basically getting street grapefruit.

Yeah, exactly. And we had to go pick it up at the elementary school. Okay. And they have it at the elementary school because it's hard to get to the grocery store or whatever. There are some grocery stores around here, but that's why they have it there. It's like you can't get organic produce in my neighborhood. I see. So this was a nice service.

The price was very reasonable because it was targeted at poor people. And it would have pretty good stuff in it. A lot of greens, though. That was the problem. Yeah.

So many greens. And I actually kind of like greens. I like a lot of greens, too. But my wife hates greens. Really? She will not eat greens. She does not fuck with collard greens does not fuck none of these things what is what does theresa eat she's a a wispy wife of a

woman she's not you would think that would be right up her alley right cheese that's her only interest really is cheese cheese cheese and cheese is pretty great crackers cheese and crackers is all she really eats she's not she does not really like vegetables. I mean, she'll eat meat. I hate cheese. You hate cheese? I'm going to drop that bomb on you right now. I'm not a cheese fan. Wow.

Yeah, I'm not a fan. And we should let our audience know that you're a husky lad. I'm a fat dude, yeah, but not a fan of cheese. So if you order a burger somewhere, you have no interest in the cheese. It's like whatever they put on there is fine, but I'm not going to think about it. Cheeseburger is different because it becomes part of the meat. It's a standalone cheese. It juices up the meat. Yeah, I don't want

a liquid cheese. That's disgusting. Horrible. I don't want a liquid cheese. That's not a real thing. That's just a nightmare you had. A soft cheese. Runny, nasty, fuck that. Food argument. So if you order a cheeseburger, you'd prefer not to have the cheese on there or

you're fine with it if it's on the burger? No, it's on the burger. So it becomes part of the burger. So you're fine with that? Yeah. But my next question is, if you go someplace and they say, we do a blue cheese or we do like a cheddar jack, that doesn't interest you? Are you like, I don't want that?

No, sir. No, thank you. Just American and you're fine? Oh, no, I love a cheddar. I mean, that's what I'm saying. If you put it on a burger, I can live. But anything exotic, you're like... Just not for me.

And let's be clear. Yes. Mike Schmidt. Is that a Chinese name? It's very German. You're not East Asian at all. No, sir. German-Irish.

That's me. You're not from a culture that doesn't have cheese. No, sir. I don't need a cheese stick, like a mozzarella cheese stick. I don't need a blue cheese. A standalone cheese does not do it for me. I'm sorry. So, here's the situation.

These boxes... Back to vegetables. These boxes had too much, too many greens in them. We were really running at 40% greens in these boxes. So, when you say greens, you're talking about what? I'm talking about kale. Kale. I'm talking about collard greens.

I'm talking about substantial, hardcore greens. about collard greens. I'm talking about substantial hardcore greens. Now, let me ask you, Nick. Are you a greens person? Greens that require boiling. I do like greens. I like kale. I like collard greens. You are a black.

I am a Negro. I am a colored person, so of course I like the colored greens. Yes. No, I like collard greens. Kale in specific amounts done a certain way, I can eat. I like kale. It's fine. But 40% is a lot.

There was really a lot of greens. But here's the thing. Honestly, I could eat greens a couple times a week and be very happy to eat them. I could cook a buttload of greens and just reheat them a couple times a week and have that as my vegetable with my dinner and be happy. I mean, I would want to put some – let's be clear, I would want to put some bacon in there. Oh, sure. To make it not taste bad. I'm also a North Carolinian.

I'm a Southerner. I don't think of myself as a Southerner, but I definitely am. And I never had a green that didn't have pork accompaniment. That was my next question. Has Teresa not had them prepared the way they're supposed to be prepared? No, I mean, I would be... And when you say supposed to be, you mean for taste, not for health purposes. Hell yeah.

Yeah. I was just in Atlanta the past three days, and I had greens in three, four different places. Yeah. I mean, I think that if I took her to Atlanta and we ate them there, she'd be fine with them. She'd be okay with them. Yeah.

I can cook them, and I can be cooking them in chicken broth instead of water and I can be cooking them with bacon or some other, you know, ham hocks or whatever, kind of pork, whatever. And I can get to something that I'm happy with, even if it's not transcendent. And that is sort of gross to her still. Wow. I went to a restaurant. I was just in Atlanta.

Like I said, I ate at Mary Mac's. everybody told me i had to go to mary max it's a it's a tea room and you you know you write down your food and it's all scratch cooking and uh it's they say it's just your first time i say yeah they go okay we're gonna bring you something called pot liquor and it's a free sample of their pot liquor and all it is is it's the the the liquid they cook the greens in with a cornbread side and a pork crackling and that's just just your, like, a moose boosh for them. And it was, dude, if I could have climbed in it and lived in it, I would. Dude, your boosh was crazy. Oh, moosed.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I would fill a hot tub with it. Did they have fatback there? Not that I saw. I went shrimp and grits. I went straight, you know, and then I'd hop in John. I had all that nonsense.

But I did not see fatback. Yeah. Fatback is a next level of goodness. I know that nonsense, but I did not see Fatback. Yeah, Fatback is the next level of goodness. I wanted, so we had to stop. And going to pick up this thing in this three-hour window that you had to pick up this box. Just once a week? At the elementary school once a week was going to be a problem because I was working during that time.

And Teresa got this tiny baby she was taking care of. And it got a little intense. But we still, we shop at the Trader Joe's for most of our groceries, and their produce sucks, and so that left us sort of wanting produce. And so I started talking with Ben Harrison about what he gets. Not only does he get this box of stuff

delivered to his door in Brooklyn, not only does he get to go on the internet and tell them what stuff he has too much of already and get to pick and choose the different shit, his comes with fucking meat in it. They just bring meat to him from the animal, direct from the animal on the farm. You've got to be able to get that here. I've got to get it. I want it so bad.

That has to exist. That has to exist. I want it so fucking bad. Bring me a piece of a pig and a goat. That would be perfect. Whatever animal. That's great. But you would sign up for that and they would bring it and they would see 87 stairs and turn around and fucking leave.

You wouldn't have the strength to get down there and pick it up because you've had no protein. And they would just turn on a heel and get the fuck out of here. Jesus, dude. That has to exist. I want that too. Nick, you know how many restaurants delivered to my house zero nobody there is a there is a like pizza hut that is three quarters of a mile from my house that won't deliver from my house to my house i mean why yeah tell me it is a combination of the fact that i am not close to any, that it's Los Angeles is dispersed

and that there are some shady neighborhoods in the vicinity. My neighborhood's not especially shady. No, this is a lovely. Yeah, this is a nice neighborhood. Yours is shady in the literal term. Yeah. Plenty of trees. Yeah, it's actually shady.

It is. But mine is, you know, hood proximate. Hood adjacent. Yeah, exactly. And also, there are just no delivery restaurants. Not even the company. You know, there's like a company. And this is something that we learned when the baby was four days old.

Because we had sort of tried a little bit. When we first moved here, we were like, well, we should see what kind of delivery food we can get here. We're like, huh, seems like it's kind of hard to get delivery. And we sort of tab a little bit when we first moved here. We were like, well, we should see what kind of delivery food we can get here. We're like, huh. Seems like it's kind of hard to get delivery. And we sort of tabled it. You know, because we go,

we don't need delivery food. It's not a huge part of our lifestyle. No, you got a fridge full of greens. Yeah, exactly. And, but then we had a baby and when the baby's little,

like... You stop the cooking. You're just... You stop the cooking. You just can't do anything. You immediately cease cooking food for yourself. Really? Yeah.

I mean, I think there are people who are like, say, we brought our baby home, we put her in the crib, and she went to sleep on her own first night. Like, she just does that. Those people are like women that say they can eat whatever they want and they don't gain a pound. You're like, fuck you. Everyone hates you. Don't even say it out loud.

But for the most part, it's like you're so focused on is the baby sleeping, putting the baby to sleep, what time, when you start, the routine. Like cooking dinner just goes out the door, man, like really quickly. Yeah. I have no children. I don't know. I have no touchstone with what you're saying. So there you go. Now I have no children. I don't know. I have no touchstone with what you're saying. So there you go. I'm, I'm now I have information. And we, we were at a place when we got pregnant that,

you know, my wife was cooking every night. If she wasn't cooking, we had a grill and I would, you know, and then we moved and we lost the grill, but you know, like I was still cooked.

And then I started working this job and the hours are pretty long. And the baby was there and it was just like, no, that is, Oh, we're just now starting to get back to a place where and having fresh produce and meat delivered to your door would help a lot with that's all i want in the world like what i have my lifestyle has become what can i get sent to my house yes amazon prime

i signed up for that shit amazon prime in. In the past, I was like, what kind of fucking asshole would pay $80 just to mail order groceries? Amazon Prime, man. What kind of fucking... Me. That's you. I signed up for Amazon. I paid $80 because I was like, you know what? I want to eat grape nuts for breakfast.

Yeah. And they don't carry grape nuts at the grocery store that I go to. And I'm not making a special fucking trip anymore. I'm paying $80 to Amazon Prime. And they're sending me grape nuts in the fucking mail. Nice. Oh, what? My niece's birthday is in four days.

And I'm an idiot. And I'm late to the game. Amazon Prime. Really? Yeah. I'm not going to a fucking store. I don't have time to go to stores anymore. I don't even have time to wash my hair.

Nick doesn't even have time to have hair. If it's four days before Christmas in 2012 this year, and you're at the postal service in line waiting to do some shit, it's your fault. Amazon Prime. It's available. If you just pay for it, it's available. Yeah, and it's worth it. You know what you need to do some shit. It's your fault. Amazon Prime. It's available. If you just pay for it, it's available. Yeah, and it's worth it. You know what you need to do? What's that?

You need things delivered to your home. I'm locked in. All right. You've got a studio. Yeah. Where you do a show. Is it every week you do this show? Oh, yeah.

All right. You need to enlist your guests to bring you meat and produce. Oh. Tribute. What? Tribute. I like it. I wasn't thinking that, but that's gorgeous.

That's even better. That improves my idea. You want to come on and hawk your nonfiction book, buddy? You must bring a box of meat. Come on. Come with it. Yeah. It ties right in, dude.

You never have to leave this building. And these people who come on my show, they probably live in a neighborhood with artisanal ass fucking shit. Had I known about this beforehand, I would have gone by Lindy and Grundy on Fairfax, the butcher shop, which everything is locally sourced in Southern California area. And you would have fucking brought me... We would be eating French lamb chops right now if you had thought of this yesterday. They have cheese, too too i'm out teresa's in he's out oh man it really like it's really difficult to overstate the extent and i mean for me

i don't know what i don't know what the situation's like for you nick because i know you you have a you also have a job where you're working like crazy because you're writing on a television program yeah it can be intense so but for me because theresa worked with me and theresa can't work anymore like we thought theresa worked 15 hours a week or something yeah like we we thought she would work the baby would be napping sometimes and she would get a little work done, and so on and so forth. And Teresa's been totally amazing, but she's not getting any fucking work done. I mean, she's doing, the amount of work that she's getting done is amazing to me, as I see it happen. She's an amazing person.

I don't want this to be interpreted as an insult. Anybody that has children knows what you're saying right now, so you don't have to worry about it. Okay, but just for the other people, as an fyi she's amazing but the team so to even accomplish anything while also caring for a newborn is an amazing feat yes yes un-fucking-really-is-blowing-my-mind you have to remember they have to eat every half every hour and a half two hours yeah and then at right after that you got to put them down for a nap you know and then there's changings involved so you're just constantly and in your head you think that the nap is going to be a time when you can do shit but the problem is when they nap for half an hour it takes 10 minutes to get them down yeah and so then you really only have like 15 minutes

and there's nothing that you can start and do in 15 minutes. Yeah, it's like an all-day thing. Some people have babies that nap for two hours at a time or something like that, but it's very unusual. It's a very unusual baby. So let me ask you, as we do this show, is Simon in the Satsuma-ry? Is that where you keep him while this is going on? Naturally calming and soothing. I'll tell you about some shit. Like Simon, I took care of Simon this morning

from 10 to 11.25. I was fucking exhausted. At the end of an hour and 25 minutes of taking care of this baby, I was done. That's on my calendar. Teresa, calendar is my time to take care of the baby. He's your responsibility. And 11.25 too is on the calendar. Not 11. my time to take care of the baby. He's your responsibility. At 11.25, too, is on the calendar.

Not 11.30, 11.25, I'm off. And so he, and at 11.25, he was cranky and pissy, and he needed to take a nap. Now, Teresa could feed him to sleep, or we could walk him to sleep. So we're like, okay, well, we're going to take the dogs for a walk. We're going to walk him to sleep. Strap him in. you strap him up but the thing is excuse me is that once he gets up once he gets asleep in if he's inside the baby bjorn or whatever if you take him if you unhook him he's going to sleep or if you stop walking he's gonna he wakes up excuse me or if you unhook or or if you stop walking he wakes up i see So you only get as long a nap as you keep walking.

And he needs to take like a 30, 40-minute nap. So you just have to go for a 40-minute walk. With an extra 11 pounds strapped to your chest. And also it's 90 degrees outside today here in Los Angeles. So we went and did that. Wonder how warm it was in San Francisco today. It was probably a much more pleasant weather outside. Just curious. You're right. It probably was much more pleasant was in San Francisco today. It was probably a much more pleasant weather outside. Just curious.

You're right. It probably was much more pleasant outside in San Francisco. I wonder if people were running to grab their shorts and flip-flops and halter tops today. Yeah, I sure don't. You're right. I don't like wearing shorts and flip-flops. Nick, that's a good point. Come to the dark side, Thor so um so we did that for 40

minutes came back here i reheated some pizza and theresa took the baby for a while fed him and stuff and then he needed to nap again after he she played with him for a little while and he wasn't didn't want to go to sleep from eating because he'd already eaten and so she just had to put him in the car and drive him around for an hour and a half wow well this explains to me why all family comedies air or get greenlit at least because it sounds like everyone has the common experience because you're describing stuff that you would see on a show yeah they would walk out walk the kid and they'd be staring at each other and they get home and he wouldn't sleep and you know how can we wake up this is all typical things you

would see in a in a movie or a tv show yeah yeah everyone's had a version of that happen to them if they have a baby the other thing about all of those things is they're all completely insane yeah like they all don't make any sense they're all like not normal things to do but you are compelled to do them by circumstance. Yeah. But, you know, sometimes a baby's got yogurt all over his face. That's pretty great. Yeah, they're pretty great.

I get like the most positive time with my baby. That's the time when she's waking up for the first time in the morning. Like she's up and she's in a good mood and she's happy and we play. And then she starts to get sleepy and she's going down for her first nap. But it's her first nap, so it's really easy to sort of get her back to sleep. I see. I don't even have to get out of the bed on the best mornings. Yeah.

And that's her at her best. And it's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. And then the last 15 minutes are like, why are you crying? You're exhausted. You're exhausted. You're exhausted. We got the lullaby station from Pandora on.

Everything. And you're still being an asshole about this. We do this every morning. Baby that just woke up, though. That's a really good point. A baby that just woke up from being asleep overnight. A good, long, restful sleep. In the morning. Long, restful sleep.

In the morning? Like, Simon, my son, usually ends up in the bed in the morning because he will wake up. He'll sleep through until 4 or something, 5, I don't know, some crazy early in the morning time. After going down at what time? Well, he goes to sleep at 7.30 or so. That's nine hours, ten hours of sleep. Well, he'll wake up usually once in the middle of the night, and Teresa can get him back to sleep. But in the morning, he kind of sort of goes back to sleep, sort of not.

He doesn't really go back to sleep in the crib, and so Teresa will just drop him into bed in the morning so that she can kind of cruise through till six and hopefully I can make it till seven. And he'll be sitting there and when he wakes up at six, basically, when he's for real awake at six, he's so pleasant.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. He'll just be, I'll be like trying desperately to not be awake. Just doing everything in my power to not be awake. And he'll just be there in the bed next to me, like looking at me and going... That's an excellent Simon, by the way, folks. Was it? That was a really good impression.

That was a fucking Frank Caliendo level. I thought Richard Dreiberg was going to make a mountain out of mashed potatoes when he finished that. It was. And that's really neat, but shit. Yeah. So in other words, what happened to me is I thought Teresa was, we both thought that she'd get some work done. Her work schedule would scale way back but go to some yeah and it's gone to barely none which has meant that I've had to go from

it's absurd to insane it's gone from some to you going to twitter and going does anyone want to be a bookkeeper or anything because yeah I saw that ad i'm like oh things are picking up for jesse um so it's uh yeah so shit's shit's pretty and shit gets pretty insane but i nick you were implying that your that your baby's a few months old then how old is she like 10 months nine months nine months okay and mine is seven months so you're you're a couple months ahead of me. Big months. Big months, too. Yeah. At this stage in a baby's life, especially after they... Once they get a little more

developmentally advanced, they're doing big things, and you're doing big, game-changing types of things. So like... We're talking about 90-yard passes. We're talking about... When you can put your baby in a crib at 7 p.m. and she makes a little bit of noise for a few minutes, but then she's asleep in the room with the door closed and the noise machine on. And you can go out and have dinner and watch a movie and talk like that. You get your life back. Huge. Yeah. It's enormous. You're getting your life back.

Huge. Yeah. It's enormous. Like, we just drink a glass of wine and watch down NABBY and complain about work or whatever it is you're going to do as an adult for a couple hours a night. Like, to be able to do that is huge. And once you can do that, then you sort of, like, slowly start to get control of everything else. So you got two months. Jesse, you got two months.

Well, we're transitioning i mean for me like i'm in a point where the big transition is that um the big this is pathetic but the big transition is that simon uh has a personal connection to me now like it's weird when you're a dad but uh the baby doesn't give that much of a shit about you yeah it's ultimately about mom. Until about six months. I mean, Simon definitely still prefers Teresa to me. There's no doubt about that. Well, I think we all do. He's not crazy. Any rational person would. Sure.

She's a wonderful woman. But the baby doesn't even really, basically can't be bothered with you. And now he sees me, he's like, he'll go, yeah. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah, like. That guy's all right. That's my dude. Yeah, he's all right.

You know? He's the other one. Yeah. You're the other one. I made it to the other one from a guy in the house. Well, because the other night my daughter was crying. Like, I think she was, she was having a nightmare or something. She was just panicked.

And I went in there and I picked her up. And for like 30 or 45 seconds, she was giving me the get away from me. Like, no. Because I think in her panic state, she was just like, in her mind, she couldn't articulate it. But in her mind, she was just like, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. And then she was able to calm down and go, oh, this guy, he's okay. He's all, yeah, this will do. And then she was able to calm down and go, oh, this guy, he's okay. He's all, yeah, this will do. And then she calmed down and she went back to sleep.

But I think for the first 10 or 15 seconds, she was just like, I don't know who this is, but it's not mommy. I know that. And get away from me. Do you think it's possible that it was just because you were black? She might be a little racist. Yeah. Unless a black guy shows up in her bedroom in the middle of the night. I don't know what the racism scale is, but, wife's Native American, so she's sort of locked in.

You can't be racist. You don't have a choice. She could hate Filipinos, maybe. I don't know. All she can be is privileged. Yeah, all she can do is get on into college. Exactly. Get on into college. Who doesn't hate Filipinos?

They're always stick fighting and wearing barang tagalog. Ocktail stews that they're making. Ocktail stews. Fish heads. Adobo. There's a couple Filipino restaurants near my house I have not yet gone to. I'm sure they're awesome. Filipino food is great.

I should get with that. I really should get with that. Do they deliver? They do not deliver. Nick has a comment. I really should get with that. Do they deliver? They do not deliver. No, sir. Nick has a comment. Have you been to the cacao? I want to mention that Nick raised his hand.

John Travolta style. Saturday Night Fever. Have you been to the cacao that I hear so much about? What's the cacao? Cacao is a restaurant up here in Europe. We're doing local restaurant reviews on this international podcast. We were talking about food. We were talking about, you know, keeping it local.

We were talking about meats. I think they have a chicken. If I'm not mistaken, we were talking about Barang Tagalog. You'd segue. And Filipino stick fighting. I'm going to use the internet to look up cacao. I stood up in a Filipino wedding. Oh.

Just to stretch or to like... I did. I stretched out. It was, oh my God, long. The stick fighting, never ending. And you still have your Barang Tagalog? I do. I was too.

It was a mixed ethnicity wedding. Oh, okay. My friends got married. Otherwise known as a wedding. One of them in America in 2012. One of them was Filipina. Yeah. And I was a groomsman in it and wore a Bar was Filipina. Yeah. And it was a,

and I was a groomsman and wore a barang tagalog for it. So did I. Yeah. And I had to go get fitted for it off in some, again, a neighborhood I've never been in and will never go back to.

Yeah, because of all the Filipinos. Oh, well, of course. Sure. Also, they stopped me at the border.

Four or five is plenty. Man. You would have hated this wedding because both families, it was a straight up Filipino. I might have been the only white dude. We lived above a Filipino family in our last apartment and they were great. And the mother-in-law lived with him, the wife's mother.

And when we first moved in, I would come home at like four o'clock and I would, oh my God, what is Tasha cooking? This is, I'm about to have an incredible meal. And it was downstairs coming up from the window because the mother-in-law did all the cooking and the cleaning and it was just amazing, amazing food, like seven nights a week. Right. The wedding food was amazing. And I've gone for his baby, his birthdays and all that stuff.

And same thing. You get there, I can't wait because I know it's going to be that table of amazing food. I am so bummed. When I was in college, my freshman year roommate, Mike, was Filipino. He still is, actually. And unfortunately, he lives up in the Bay Area, but a lot of my college friends are Filipino because Mike was Filipino and was in the Filipino club. And so he had a lot of friends from the Filipino club who were Filipino. So if you go to college in California, do you have to have a Filipino club?

What do you mean? There's just a gang of Filipinos around. Do you have to join a club? Well, you don't have to join a club. If you want the jacket. But I mean, I'll tell you one of the advantages to joining a club. What's that?

There is always adobo because someone's mom is always at the house making adobo. There's like, seriously, house making adobo. There's like, seriously? The fucking adobo deliveries were continuous. Continuous. At one point, they lived in shared on-campus housing that was like... Hold on, I have to stop you.

Have you ever wanted to go get your own food ever? I mean, honestly, it's like the adobo delivery. Who's getting food delivered in college? This is amazing. It was fucking off the charts. I cannot tell you guys how great this was. Is that where your delivery envy started? Seriously.

These dudes lived up at Kresge College at UC Santa Cruz. They lived in an apartment that had, I want to say, five bedrooms in it. And I think three or four of them were full of Filipinos, right? First of all, whatever your image is of UC Santa Cruz, I don't know. You have listeners from across the world, Jesse. It doesn't involve a lot of Filipinos. But they have no concept of what UC Santa Cruz looks like. Picture the summer camp from the original Friday the 13th.

That's what UC Santa Cruz looks like. And then add a lot of filipinos and people from thousand oaks california and maybe a lot of people using tom's deodorant and so um and so there was hella filipinos up in here up in that apartment at all times real bay area hella filipinos from the yay at all times and someone's mom was always in town and whenever someone's mom was always in town. And whenever someone's mom was in town, and these are people visiting from hours and hours away, they would bring one of those stew pots. And I'm talking about a stew pot,

the kind that's like two and a half feet tall. You know what I'm talking about? Like a 20 gallon stew pot. I don't know how big, but like the kind that a kettle, that a cannibal uses to cook an entire human being. Maybe with a bone through the nose. Yeah, exactly.

That's racist, Nick, but yes. I was talking about a white cannibal. Okay, good. Yeah, they dress the part still. It's fine. That's a cannibal thing, not a race thing. And so there was always one of the – and because they would bring this enormous thing of adobo, Always one of the, and because they would bring this enormous thing of adobo, all of the Filipinos on campus, like 100 people or 200 people, would just be eating this adobo all weekend at whoever's house it was that had the adobo at it. And you didn't know there were that many Filipinos until the adobo showed up.

And then it was like Escape from New York when the crazies would feed. They would come climbing out of the manhole covers and just descending from rooftops. There was like a secret adobo whistle That only Filipinos could hear It was fucking amazing man Maybe if you're a smart Filipino kid You go home and you're like Yeah mom I always thought yours was the best I'd ever had

But I tasted so and so's mom And I gotta say it's really great Next thing you know a week later Bam you're in the money i tasted philomers yeah my friend marie my friend maria had a cousin named philomer spell that p-h-i-l-a-m-e-r i once met a filipino filipino american nick oh god maria's middle name was filip, by the way. I once met a Filipino guy. Still is, actually. And she's still Filipino.

I once met a guy, a Filipino guy named Tadao. Yeah. Gorgeous. Pretty great. Oh, no, it's Cacao Mexicatessen,

Jelly. Jesse, it's on, over here on Colorado Boulevard. It's a big deal, apparently. Number one, number one, I don't fuck with Colorado Boulevard that much.

Wow. You're talking about that Eagle Rock shit. Wow. No Oinkster for you? I do go to the Oinkster from time to time. Ah, good for you. I will go to the Oinkster from time to time. But I have a lot of, here's the thing, Nick.

I don't know anything about Eagle Rock. I'm just saying. Go to the Oinkster. Who lives in this part of town i'm not even i'm not even comfortable with the vintage clothing part of highland park i really just i i really you like that's right up your alley though that's your deal put this on you like it's not it's not good vintage it's not that kind of It's tight pants And

A lot of t-shirts And house flippers That's not vintage though That's just bad That's not Like vintage It's It's vintage bad

It's vintage bad And I just burped right into the microphone Yes you did Classed it up I just Thank god you took credit for it Because I'm like You know everybody's gonna go

Well the fat dude did that He had a pig face And let one loose You wanna listen to not burping? That's what the radio is for. It's the internet. That's exactly why they invented it. No, that's why they invented radio way back then.

I hate when people burp in conversation. Well, turn this knob. You know what? Michelle Norris isn't going to burp on the air. Nope. She's not. She isn't. Let's just call it.

Let's just say it like it is. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. I'm Mike Schmidt, astonished at Nick Adams' headphone control. Geordie LaForge style. I was just about to say that.

Oh, my goodness gracious. I was worried that it might just be because all black people look the same to me when they have a strip of black something across their eyes. All right. Wow. Hold on. Let's explore that for a second. A few years ago, Beats by Dre was like nothing. Yeah.

It was nothing. Now it's like, you know, you watch the NBA and the guys are coming into the arena and they're wearing their Beats by Dre. Like, Beats by Jordy, you get LeVar Burton. That's where you put the headband of your earphones down over your eyes. Headphones plus sunglasses. Right. Wow.

Beats by Jordy. He's got a lot of Twitter followers or something. I'm telling you, man. He's doing something. Who is? LeVar Burton. He's a cultural icon. He's hood adjacent like Gumbel. He seems like a nice man. He seems like a great guy.

He was the host of Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow, man. Reading Rainbow meant a lot to me as a child. He's got three cultural touchstones under his belt. How many people can say that? That's a really good point. Got roots. Star Trek Next Generation, Reading Rainbow.

You know, I think they could show Roots now. Didn't they do it maybe a couple years ago? Show it in primetime now and bring the house down again and have a whole new generation exposed to it because it was so... I remember being a kid and it was that, again, we only had three channels. Right. But you had to see it. You had to be there. You had to sit in front of the TV and watch it. And it was so... I remember being a kid and it was that, again, we only had three channels. Right. But you had to see it. You had to be there.

You had to sit in front of the TV and watch it. And it was also worth it. It was compelling enough to where you were happy you watched it. It wasn't just homework. And then outside of

the Spielberg movie, there hasn't been a lot of mainstream entertainment that's really tackled that issue. Which is weird because it's so entertaining. It's great. I mean, it is fun.

It's just packed with fun. Look, people watch Jesus get the shit kicked out of them for two hours. So, you know, you can watch a couple of black people in chains. We gotta figure out a way to get America's pastors to send their parishioners?

Is that what they're called? Sure. Their constituents is what I was thinking. Not constituents. Definitely not constituents. It depends on who you ask. Yeah. Parishioners is the word, though. That's a thing. Yeah, they're flocks.

Send their flocks out to watch something about, well, I mean, it doesn't have to be Jimen Honsu, but. It wouldn't hurt. He's well qualified. It wouldn't hurt if Jimen Honsu was involved in whatever you're doing. He looks good in chains. When you need a fuel Negro type of guy guy you go to jaman hansu when you need a beautiful naked ebony man you could do a lot worse than jaman hansu janet jackson knows what she's doing folks yeah she didn't cast him in that music video for no reason janet jackson just a general

rule janet jack that's not true that is not true janet jackson has no idea what she's just as a general rule, Janet Jackson. That's not true. That is not true. Janet Jackson has no idea what she's doing as a general rule. Outside of the fields of dancing. Singing and casting beautiful black men. Dancing, singing, casting videos. She's extremely well qualified. Marrying music mogul. She's terrible at that.

Accidental nudity. They're still married, though. They're still married. Wait, are they still married for real? I think so. I think her and Jermaine Dupri. She is not still married to Jermaine Dupri. Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri are not still married.

That cannot possibly be true. If you've been married for like 10 years, you did all right, right? 10 years. I don't believe that that's true. I'm using the internet to check. I think they're still married. She may still be married to Elda Barsch. I do not believe that that cannot be true.

That could not possibly... Okay, I'm looking up Jermaine Dupri now. But in that video, Jermaine Hansu looks like candy. He's like so amazingly beautiful. It's crazy.

The amount of beauty that is contained within Jermaine Hansu is almost unfathomable. It is. I love that when someone's so attractive that white people are like, he's super, super African, and I still can't resist. He's so African-looking, and I still can't resist.

No, but I love it when someone is so... There's a model, and I can't remember her name. It's Devon Aoki. She's a model slash actress, and she's crazy-looking and Asian and looks like she's out of a cartoon. Right. But she's so attractive, people are like, yeah, you've got to put her in this thing because she's so attractive. Ended her relationship with Jermaine Dupri in 2009.

But are they still married? Well, yeah, because I knew they were broken up, but he's saying that they're still betrothed. How long were they married, though? Oh, man, I don't know. Let's see. How long were they married though? Oh man, I don't know Let's see

Well she's definitely She's definitely divorced from fellow R&B singer James DeBarge Well, you know Can you even call a DeBarge an R&B singer at this point? Are they still singing? Is she dating a Renea Lozando still? Her husband filed for divorce in 2000 Oh, Jesus

Sorry, sorry to break it to you She's sweat on me I know that you're part of the Rhythm Nation Her husband filed for divorce in 2000. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So they were... Sorry. Sorry to break it to you. She sweat on me. I know that you're part of the Rhythm Nation. What? Janet Jackson sweated on you? That's right.

That's outrageous. I was working security at the Pacific Amphitheater down in Costa Mesa. Uh-huh. And I was right in the front. I was the front line of defense. If you were to get through everybody else, you had to get through me to get to Janet. And what year was this? It was on the Black Cat...

Oh, yeah. That's Rhythm Nation. Rhythm Nation. Yeah, to Janet And what year was this? It was on the Black Cat Oh yeah Rhythm Nation Yeah yeah yeah That was prime She was like the biggest star in pop music Yes sir I worked two nights in a row dead center And everybody was trying to get to her

And all that stuff And we didn't have a problem But the second night A guy broke through And he had roses He had a big thing of roses In the middle of the show And she stopped the show

And I'm supposed to tackle the fuck On anybody who gets close And he approached And she stopped the show And because she stopped the show and I'm supposed to tackle the fuck out of anybody who gets close and he approached and she stopped the show and because she stopped the show I knew so I said, come on up

and he walked up and he got as close as me so it was basically between me and Jenna Jackson or between, I was between him and Jenna Jackson. He reached over

and he handed her the roses and she leant over, leaned on my shoulder to reach out and grab them and sweat like dripped all over me like from her and her dancing exploits. How many orgasms did you have? Oh, good Christ. Are you kidding me?

I smelled the shirt and then jerked off with it over and over. Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson. Touched you. Touched me and sweat on me. Super hot. Super hot. Super successful. Super popular. And apparently pretty cool. Oh, the best. The leader of a

powerful dance militia. Yeah, a whole nation of rhythmically talented people after you. It's terrifying. Well, I mean, she's a part of the nation. Well, we're all part of the Rhythm Nation. Well, there's some people who aren't. Dude, that song is a jam.

Can I say that about Rhythm Nation? I just want to say There's a lot of I think it is very fair to malign Much R&B music from that era Sure Because it sucks But that song is a fucking jam But if you listen to her greatest

I just made a plane mix When I'm flying I'll do that And I went to her greatest hits And I'm like I grabbed like 11 songs And I just go Alright just throw them all in there And they come on and you feel great, I grabbed like 11 songs and I just go, all right, just throw them all in there. I mean, and they come on

and you feel great. Might I recommend All Right with the music video that featured both Heavy D and Cap Calloway. So you can't go wrong when you have

both of those guys. When Sierra came out and everyone was like, Sierra's just a fake ass Janet Jackson. I was like, yeah, that sounds like a blast.

We could use a little of that right now. Sounds like a lot of fun. Dancing and singing little dance songs. That's great. I go Pleasure Principal, Janet, with the little wig and the tight jeans. The black jeans. That was a similar moment in young African-American youth.

How about young youth, period? Wow. She was all over the place. Superseding race because she's on that chair and flips off and does the knee slide with the knee pads. She has the knee pads. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yes, yes sir she stretches for like eight seconds yeah just goes off you guys need ice packs i'm good i'm in yeah i don't care i actually like this feeling just let it ride you might think i'm crazy but i'm serious nick you offhandedly you offhandedly

said something um in the break that i felt like like I had to stop you from talking about it because I felt like we needed to get into it a little bit, which is, look, I know that you're happy to be an Angeleno because you're not that into being from the Carolinas. Well, first of all, I'm not from the Carolinas. I'm from North Carolina. Okay. Well, I couldn't remember I'm not from the Carolinas. I'm from North Carolina. Okay. Well, I couldn't remember which Carolina you were from. Jesus Christ. So that's like, well, let me ask you. If you're from the Bay Area, does that make you mad?

No. But if someone said you're from Oakland, you'd be like, well, no. Yeah, that's true. That's why I didn't guess which Carolina you were from. Oakland is the South Carolina. Because I couldn't remember which Carolina you were from. I don't want to malign Oakland. I don't want to malign Oakland. I don't want to malign Oakland.

Oakland's a great place. Oakland's a great city. But if you're from San Francisco, I'm from San Francisco. Now, if somebody said you're from Los Angeles, then I might get a little... And we're about to get into this here right now. But you're not from Los Angeles, so that's fine. I know.

I'm not from Los Angeles. I'm from San Francisco, the greatest city in the world. No offense. Yeah, Chicago would have something to say about that. Chicago's a wonderful city as well. Here we go. I have no beef with Chicago.

Chicago's also a great city. Yes. While we're talking San Francisco, hold on. Writing for third. Were you able to open the shirt thing I sent you? I saw the shirt

and it is a tremendous shirt. All right, because I was so mad you didn't say anything back because I'm like, if anybody's going to like this, Jesse's going to like it. And then you didn't even bring me back. I'm sorry. I was so bummed.

My email has been such a disaster area. Mike did a show, returned to San Francisco, made a glorious return to San Francisco. You made a couple of those, right? Yeah, yeah. This isn't your first return to San Francisco. No, no, it's my first. Oh, it was your first, okay. I did a one-man show on the road, and Jesse was nice enough to sponsor it,

and Son of Young America at the time sponsored the show, and we went into San Francisco and did two nights. It was the first time I'd ever done the one man on the road. Oh, wow. And so after, it's been a year. That was August 2010, so it's a year and a half, and I just went back into shows two weeks ago. And you know the Warriors jersey that says the city on it?

So Mike... Super sweet. Yeah, it's basically the best jersey ever. Mike made 40-year-old boy Mike Schmidt jerseys that were... I mean, shirts that were a riff on that. Yeah, it said the Schmitty instead of the city. And it had... The logo for my show is like a little boy with horns,

and the horns were on the circle. And on the back, we had the cable car with the number 40 with the name Schmidt. Sweet. Because I do that. I make a city-specific shirt whenever I go out of town. And so we did those, and I'm like, I can't wait to show it to Jesse. And then he never responded to my email. I'm like, Jesse!

I'm sorry. It was my fault. It was an ill-ass shirt. Good. It was an ill-ass shirt. Wonderful. My wife had her Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt on today. Oh, that's fantastic.

Okay, wait. We're getting off base here. Let's get back on track. So we're not here to talk about t-shirts and cities. You can do that any old time. We're here to talk about some Los Angeles-ass shit that Nick got himself involved in. Why is that Los Angeles shit, though? Oh, come on, Nick.

Come on. Would you have done it in North Carolina? Let's get serious, Nick. I wouldn't have done anything in North Carolina. Let's get serious, Nick. 90% of the shit I've done in my life I would not have done if I had not left that state.

Let's get real. Let's get real for a second, Nick. This was some Los Angeles ass shit. This is some shit you do the month after you get a colonic. You don't think there's people in New York doing this? You don't think there's people in London, Paris? Come on.

This is Los Angeles shit. You got to get global. There are some people. Somebody in Sao Paulo right now is juicing the hell out of it. There are some people in New York doing this, but mostly people in New York are making fun of people in Los Angeles for doing this, but mostly people in New York are making fun of people in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's their number one pastime. As they bundle up to walk through the snow to get to

try to get into a cab. Hardy fucking har. Nick is so for... Nobody from New York said anything. Just admit what you did. I took a shot. I took a shot. Shots fired. And I love New York, but I just took a a shot. I took a shot.

Shots fired. And I love New York, but I just took a random shot. Nick fucking went on a juice cleanse. I did it. I did a three-day juice cleanse. Nick cleansed his body of toxins using an expensive package of juices that he got from his entertainment industry colleagues. And not only that, not only did he go on the cleanse, he did it because all of his entertainment industry friends were doing it. To be fair. So that's straight up Los Angeles.

To be fair, we have spent the past nine months consistently 12 hours a day filling our bodies full of soda and popcorn and cookies and juice and coffee and mochas and ordering lunch and ordering dinners. So to be fair, in our defense. Your life was pretty good before this. We were all bloated, sugary nightmares before that. Yeah, we were all fat and happy, and then we got fat and disgusted with ourselves.

And then we were just like, I can't. Something has to change. So we did a cleanse. So you went super friends of juice? We did. It wasn't too... It was expensive. That was the worst part of it.

But it wasn't too bad. How much is it... Okay, so what kind of cleanse did you do, Nick? It was from a place called Press Juicery, which is a thing, apparently. I mean, it was like $200. You don't have to give them buzz marketing here. I'm just trying to... I'm a storyteller.

Jesse. And you tell stories through brands. No, it was like, there's a lot of places that do it, and that's the one we chose, and it was like $200 and change. You chose it because the Olsen twins suggested it. Someone who does Mary-K Kate's nails. She does her

juice charts. Her boyfriend waxes one of our writer's eyebrows. So you're one of your male writer's eyebrows. So you gotta get special juice. I mean, you can't go to El Superior and just grab a bunch of stuff off the shelf and make this happen. No, I mean, it's like, they just I'm assuming. I wasn't there when they did it.

But, you know, you can go get a naked juice and it's like eight oranges and three strawberries and a gang of sugar. I'm assuming. This is just all vegetables and juices and roots and whatever. And they're like certain different types and you have to drink two of these and two of these. And it was a whole thing.

But the juices were actually pretty good other than the green ones, which I hated because I don't like cucumber. And they all had cucumber in them. So I would just sort of hold my nose and chug that is that a thing hating cucumber someone else told me they hate cucumber i was just about to climb in nick's ass no offense but uh you hate cucumber who hates cucumber the smell of it i can't stand it it's fantastic oh my god it makes every piece of sushi better It is so good So refreshing Yes I love it Love it

Crisp My list of food don'ts Watermelon Number one with a bullet You know what Number one with a bullet That's a race thing No

It's not even a race thing Reeks I'll tell you a story I came home from school It reeks of delicious flavor I came home from school It reeks of being one of the tastiest things That grows out of the earth

I came home from school My mom said Are you hungry Do of the tastiest things that grows out of the earth. I came home from school and my mom said, are you hungry? Do you want a sandwich? I was like, yeah, I'll have a sandwich. She made me a ham sandwich. She made me a watermelon sandwich.

I was eating it. I've not eaten watermelon since. I said, I was like, this sandwich is weird. She's like, what's wrong with it? I was like,

was there watermelon in the refrigerator? She's like, I threw it out like two days ago because I knew you were coming home. I was like,

I can taste it in the ham. That's weird. True story. I hate watermelon. I don't like watermelon either. But I love watermelon flavored things. Like candy and juice and all that kind of stuff. I get that, though.

So I would have loved that sandwich, sounds like. You'd be more insane. Watermelon and then cucumber, like second. Not a distant second, but a clear second. Is it a texture thing? Smell and taste. Watermelon, the texture, like second. Not a distant second, but a clear second. Is it a texture thing? Smell and taste. Watermelon, the texture, I can't stand. That's why I don't like honeydew or cantaloupe.

I love fruit, but any melon? I'm not a melon fan, but it stinks to high heaven, so I can't do it. And cucumber, same thing. I'm just like, ugh. And the green juice is like... By the way, Nick and I are the guys who earlier were eating pig head. Yeah. Oh my God, we hate watermelon.

Dude, I would fuck up eating pig head. Yeah. Oh, my God. We hate watermelon. Dude, I would fuck up a pig head. Yeah. Right now. If y'all brought me some pig head, I would be eating it right now on microphone. I'm not anti-vegetable. I'm not anti-fruit. But just the things that I don't like, I really don't like. And this juice just happened to have a lot of cucumber in it.

So it was disgusting to me. And then the other ones were fine. They were actually fine to me. What is it? Why would you even do it? For me. Juice then the other ones were fine. They were actually fine to me. What is it? Why would you even do it? For me... Juice is not that good for you. You sound like he let you down.

Juice isn't good for you when it's full of sugar and store-bought. Like fruit juices. Fruit juice is full of sugar. But this is like freshly squeezed juice that they did at a juicery. The juice doesn't build up over time. What are you talking about? The sugar doesn't build up over time. What are you talking about? The sugar doesn't build up over time in the juice. The juice that you buy from the store has sugar added to it.

No, not the juice. The juice doesn't. Yes, it does. Well, you can buy pure juice that doesn't have sugar added. Yeah, you just buy juice. And that's way better for you than sugar. Regular juice. Well, it's better for you than soda, but regular juice.

Nick, are you talking about drink? Yeah. No, no. He's talking juice. Nick, are you talking about drink? Yeah. No, no, he's talking about, I think he's talking about drink because really the sugar that you're buying is drink.

If you buy, there is a lot of sugar. It is not added sugar. It is fructose. It is fruit sugar. Right. But there is a lot of sugar in juice

because the juices that you buy for the cleanse don't have a ton of, it's not just all oranges and apples. Juice is nature's sugariest thing. That's if you're just buying. With the fiber taken out of it. That's just like if you're buying grape juice and orange juice.

If you're getting like a juice that has like carrots and ginger and all that shit. Carrots are nature's sugariest non-fruit. No, no. No, Janet Jackson. She is nature's sugariest non-fruit. No, no. No, Janet Jackson. She is nature's sugariest non-fruit. It's like vegetables and roots. It's good for you. Was this supposed to clean out toxins?

Was the word toxins in any part of the advertisement? I have no issue with toxins. I have no... Were you sweating jicama at any point? I have no problems with toxins. Did you just look under your sweating jicama at any point? I have no problems with toxins. You just look under your arm and find a jicama. Pure starch. Here goes a jicama. I didn't suffer

any weird side effects. I didn't have any major bowel movements. It was just normal. I can't imagine you had any major bowel movements without having any fiber. I think the amount of juices that you were drinking, you were probably taking in more fiber during those three days than you ever hoped to take in. You know what juice is?

Juice is when you take the fiber out of something. No, no, apparently not. Because I think I was the only writer that did not suffer serious bowel consequences of going on the juice cleanse. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I think that was it. Other people were having bowel issues from the juice. Huge, huge monster poops. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I think that was it. Other people were having bowel issues from the juice. Huge, huge monster poops.

That's working. One of our showrunners was describing his poops in various terminologies, and he was like, I pooped a small child earlier this morning. So wait, it was all of you? The whole staff went out? Not all of us. Just maybe like 40% of the staff. But the writer's room?

Yeah, the writer's room. Like a good chunk of the writer's room. So that's going to come out in some episodes coming up, right? Someone's going on a cleanse. No, not this season, but maybe season two. I don't know if that's going to Yeah, the writer's room. Like a good chunk of the writer's room. So that's going to come out in some episodes coming up, right? Someone's going on a cleanse. No, not this season, but maybe season two. I don't know if that's going to play in the flyover. Zoe Cush and now it goes on a cleanse. Yeah, because that's our...

She's so cute, though. She could pull it off. She could pull it off. You could do a half hour of her taking a shit. And everybody would be like, oh, awesome. Look at that face. Like, oh, jeez. I'd like to give that a kiss.

Yeah. To the shit. To the shit To the shit Yeah you wouldn't care Not her Because her shit would come out And you'd look at it It would have googly eyes on it I mean somehow

It would be like a craft project Even coming out of her Adorable She's amazing I saw her Like when I started working I saw her in the She came in to meet the writers

When I was out For a week after my daughter was born And then I came back in the next week And they were doing some reading And stuff She gave everyone A popsicle stick friend. I saw her in the kitchen and I was like,

oh, oh, you're professionally adorable. I get it. Like you're more adorable than the average person. I just thought you were kind of a cutesy girl. You're a professional at being cute. Like you're like professionally adorable. You have a high level. You have that intense, you're 11 out of 10.

Yeah, yeah. It's pretty impressive. Absolutely have that intense, you're 11 out of 10. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty impressive. Absolutely. It's sort of like when you meet, it's sort of like when you meet one of those comedy genius types

and they do something like, you're like, this is a normal person. And then they do something and you're like, oh, right. It's a comedy genius. Yeah.

The first time I met Carlos Mencia, we were talking. I was listening to an interview on uh on the treatment with uh bob whitey who was a um uh documentary director and longtime executive producer of carver enthusiasm i didn't know i'd pronounce his last name until just now yeah he um he made the recent Woody Allen documentary that was on PBS, and it was an excellent, excellent documentary. It really did. And he talked about hanging out with Woody Allen and talking to Larry David about Woody Allen and how weird it is to hang out with Woody Allen, because Woody Allen is not very much like he is on screen. He doesn't do that kind of Woody Allen stuff. like he is on screen.

He doesn't do that kind of Woody Allen stuff. He's pretty much just sort of a quiet, normal guy, except every so often he'll say something that's so funny you can't believe it, and you're like, oh, right. He's also Woody Allen. Well, and in that documentary, he would be giving an interview, and very humble and soft-spoken type guy, and then he would say something something and you'd go,

that's a bit. You wrote that. You thought, this will be funny. I'll say this at some point. I'm not saying you prepared for this interview, but that's something that you knew

you were going to say. And that's a letdown because you're wishing it'd be more in the moment and stuff like that. But then you remember, oh, right. You're the greatest comedy genius

of all time. You think of shit like that a lot. Yeah. You're the greatest comedy genius of all time. You think of shit like that a lot. Yeah, you're the most prolific writer of comedy. Of genius comedy bits ever. And, you know. Like, you made your career writing 400 of those a day for Gossip Columnist. You started doing that when you were in high school. Your superpower is that you can just do that.

Yeah, but still, it's like I had dinner with Chaplin once. Yeah, sure. And they bring the basket of rolls, right? And we're eating. And I figure it's not professional at all. We're just enjoying dinner. Right. Here we go.

Unbelievable. Two forks, two rolls. And I'm there for nine minutes while everybody titters. Come on, dude, we're having dinner. One time, I'm sucking off Sid Caesar. And he's going, uh going uh uh and then he starts double talking in german i'm a schweiner fraser and i'm like come on i don't need that from you sid i've seen your show of shows i respect you sid caesar i'm here i'm doing this right i got

the job it's like whenever you're fucking jerry lewis and he's a lady am i tickling the balls or am i not tickling the balls, Sid Caesar? But I mean, I think in that documentary it was cool because it was like... The gray, saggy balls. That was just something Woody Allen thought that would be funny at some point to describe his life or a movie or something. He slipped it into an interview, so I didn't have a problem with it, but it was definitely written. Oh, you think it was written? You don't think it's just some shitty thought?

No, I think it was definitely written. It was definitely written. Oh, you think it was written? You don't think it's just some shitty thought? No, I think it was definitely written. There were like a handful of things in those interviews where you're like, that's definitely something that he thought of. This would be funny. Because you've been asked these questions thousands of times. True. Now, I didn't see the documentary. And I mean, I'm a Woody Allen fan.

I recommend it. Okay. Is he force of nature funny? No. Is he in the moment like crazy? No. I thought of this once

and I wrote it down and adjusted it and tweaked it and if this situation presents itself I have a quip for that. Right. And so much of his life

is about him and his movies and talking about his movies that he thinks and talks about his movies a lot so when someone says when you made Manhattan

blah-de-blah-de-blah he happens to have the perfect comeback for that question. That was my favorite film. Because he's a writer, and he thinks of good, funny lines for everybody. Manhattan? No, Manhattan blah-de-blah-de-blah. I enjoyed that one. He's much better than

Manhattan. But I think he is the type of person that just has, you know, he has the mind that thinks of those sort of lines. He's not like, hey, Woody was bebopping and scatting all over the place. Would he be the most amazing Twitterer in the world, you think? He would be a good Twitterer, I think. He would be a good Twitterer. Because he made his entire career writing jokes.

Do you follow any of the older guys who've come onto Twitter? The Richard Lewis? Steve Martin is pretty funny. The only one I follow is Albert Lewis. Steve Martin is pretty funny. The only one I follow is Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks is pretty funny. Because that was where I was steering it. Because I left Steve Martin and all the guys. I just had to leave Richard Lewis.

Albert Brooks consistently, every single day, dagger funny. I mean, just... Because he's my guy. Like, I would chase him if I saw him. I mean, he's phenomenal. But on Twitter, he gets it. He Twittered a thing. I mean, just yesterday, he Twittered a bunch. And you're reading you're reading them you're like they're brilliant they're so brilliant and concise and just just and it's a joy because you realize

you're like oh my god yes it he is that you know and yeah and when it pays off for you you're so happy well albert brooks you know johnny carson said that albert bro Brooks was the funniest person he had ever met when Albert Brooks was 16. Wow. Yeah. Albert Brooks grew up in L.A., had rich parents, and his parents were friends with Johnny Carson. Yeah. And Johnny Carson just knew him, met him, and said that about him on The Tonight Show. Jesus.

The funniest guy I know is this 16 year old kid named albert einstein that's great yeah i gotta imagine if you meet like a young which by the way is albert brooks real name for people out there who don't know that and his brother is super dave yes um like if you met a 16 year old eddie murphy i think he would be like this kid is hilarious yeah i don't know what he's gonna do or be but he's he makes me laugh really, really hard every time I see him. Does it upset you that when you see Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live and then you remember that he's like 19 and 20 and 21? There's a sketch on The Best Of where he comes out and he says, Hi, I'm Eddie Murphy. I'm one of the stars of the new Saturday Night Live.

I'm also 19 years old. I went to Nassau Community College for about two months or something something to that effect and you're just like like when i was 19 years old you think about what you were doing when you're 19 he's like already close to the top of his profession it's like it's one thing when somebody's really funny like really brilliantly funny when they're like 23 or 24 because then at least they're like a real adult you know what i mean at least they're like fully they're they've like they're ahead of where you were when you were 23 or 24 where most people were when they were 20 light years ahead but they got their shit together and they're like on a path yeah yeah but they just you know they just they had to take some normal time like any normal person but they started when they were 18 yeah they already have five years under their belt of doing whatever it is they do like i've written a book of short stories that no one

read and now this is my novel that everyone thinks is great yeah exactly and no eddie murphy was 19 and he fucking saved saturday night live but that's the thing about like i love him i love the nba and you have these kids who are 17 years old, and everyone's like, okay, this guy's really good at it already. He's going to be really good at it for a long time. He should be playing with the big boys. No, no, no. He has to go to college.

Carmelo Anthony was never going to get a degree in business management from Syracuse University. Yeah, it's terrible. Derek Rose was never going to matriculate from Memphis. Why are we pretending that these guys aren't freaks of nature And we should celebrate them in their chosen endeavor As long as we possibly can Because the monolith of the NCAA And the money involved said you're fucking up our tournament

It's bad enough Give them one year we can take them And we can pimp them then Because the NCAA is a fucking mobster organization It's the worst If you haven't read that Atlantic piece, everybody in the world should read that shit

because it'll change your opinion of the whole thing. Jesse Thorne, huge basketball fan. In case you've never heard him, he talks about it constantly. All I can talk about

is Sharunas Marshalonis. Okay. Sharunas Marshalonis. Excellent reference. You thought I couldn't go there with basketball, but I did. Excellent reference.

You want to talk about Yinka Darre? I'll do it. Nicely done. Couldn't pass. That's about all I got. Sharunas, Marshall Onis, Yinka Darre. The dragon? You got the dragon for me?

Drazen Petrovich? Yeah, sure. I'll go Drazen Petrovich. All right, take that. I'll throw that one for you. Use that next time. Why not? I mean, look, if you want to talk about the Golden State Warriors in 1991 to 1994, I can do that a little bit.

If you want to talk about a Chris Gatling. Oh, the Gatling gun. I'll do that. Head stitches. You know what, though? When I think of those guys going off to the NBA, just professional sports in general now, now that I'm a grown-up, all i can think of when i watch professional sports it like there was a time when i wished i like i never thought that i would become a professional athlete like it was clear that uh even when i was in little league that oh i'm the seventh best player on my

little league team i'm never going to be on a professional sports team. I'm never even going to play college sports. But now that I'm a grown-up and I'm the same age as people that play professional sports, even though they are acclaimed and they get to play sports for a living and get paid a buttload of money, it still kind of makes me really, really sad to imagine a world in which my job

is something that I will no longer be able to do when I'm like 33. It's incredibly bittersweet. That is like the saddest thing ever. Derek Fisher, who I love, love, love, point guard for the L.A. Lakers, is I think a year younger than me. And when you watch him play, he's at that point in his career where he looks old. Younger point guards can get by him really easily, and he's in incredible condition. He's in amazing condition for a 38-year-old. Yes, and he's at a position, unfortunately, where you get old fast.

And you get exposed because you're Derek Rose, and you've got all these young... Because a Robert Parrish or a Kurt Thomas or somebody can hide in the paint. Right, right. And they can just plot along Yeah and grab rebounds And play some defense And that's fine You can get by

But a point guard Is the center Of the whole thing The thing about that Is like I think about It's like oh he's He's a young man And he's already old

In his chosen profession But then the flip side Of that is When he chooses to walk away This year Next year Whenever He will be 40

Yes Rich Yes very Young and healthy And vibrant And like the world This year, next year, whenever, he will be 40. Yes. Rich. Yes, very. Young and healthy and vibrant. And the world is his oyster. So when Shane Battier and Derek Fisher are running for Congress and they're a youthful 44, they'll have a million dollars behind them and they'll have a whole other life to live. But you have to try and figure out a whole other life. I mean, what is their whole other life going to be?

Just selling something? The average American has like four or five careers anyway. And it's funny. When you say healthy and vibrant, that's the NBA. Because, I mean, let's not talk about the NFL because those guys aren't healthy or vibrant. You should beat the hell. But also that's the difference between a Dee Fish and an Allen Iverson. You know what I mean?

You can only hope that they have the right path and they still are rich when they're 39, 40. When I started to hear about Iverson two weeks ago and I started to see the real, I mean, you started to hear the stark numbers. It's amazing

and it's horrible and it's sad and it's sad for him and his family and everything that's happened. Although someone, I just read something the other day

that someone posted online. Apparently, he's not broke because a friend of his told him, like made him put this money away years ago and this report is saying that he has like 32 million because like when i'm with you i was like how can he possibly 267 million dollars how can he possibly be broke and it's that sort of hammer

thing like take a million dollars and put it in a savings account at the washington mutual right like just a regular old savings account don't touch. Don't touch it so that when the shit hits the fan you can always go, okay, well we can go back home and buy a house and get started on some other life. But the problem is he's still got entourage. He's got eight kids by three women? He's been with the same woman

for a long time. I don't know if he has... But the thing is, you don't even have to make super bad choices. There was a really lovely piece that was in gosh you know might have been in the in harper's i want to say something it was in some surprising magazine about marquise grissom he used to play for the expos and you know marquise grissom had a great career maybe it was about delano de shields yeah i think it was about delano de shieldsields. They were like best friends. Some expo.

They were best friends and both had ridiculous names, so I sort of mixed them up. Tim Rock Raines. But yeah, it wasn't Marquise Grissom because he went on to play for the Giants for a little bit. But Delano DeShields. And Delano DeShields had a nice career, a nice baseball career.

He didn't waste his money at all. And essentially, he just had he had a you know he had a decent career but it sort of ended somewhat unexpectedly he's a speed guy i mean speed yeah right exactly and he then like shortly there is like he had a year of kind of depression after his career ended that led to a divorce um The divorce was kind of ugly. Half. His wife ended up... You treat me like animals.

Yeah, just half. Chop it in half. Well, it ended up being a lot more than half because his wife got the kids. He had a couple of kids. He had like three kids or something like that. And they had a very fancy lifestyle because he had been a major league baseball player.

I mean, they weren't like, didn't have a crazy lifestyle. It wasn't out of scale with what he was, the money he was making, but you know, they had a nice house and stuff. And so she got the house and he had to make the mortgage payments.

And basically it was only because Marquise Grissom got him a job as a single a coach that he could get any job at all. And he was essentially sending his entire salary to his wife and just completely depressed and on the verge of total emotional collapse. And that was somebody who, you know, was still in baseball. It was really successful, too. Yeah. It was a really good player for a while. Yeah, I'm not saying it's not hard.

Your whole life is validated through who you are physically. And then when you can no longer do that and you have to look in the mirror and realize you're getting gray and you're getting old and you can't do the thing that you've been celebrated for your entire life, that has to just be – you have to just get despondent quick. Whereas at the very least, I know that what I do, at least I know that I can continue to get better at it for most of my life. Yeah. So what you're telling me, what I'm taking from this, you're a better man than Delano DeShields. Yeah. I mean, what I'm saying is if I got in a fight with Delano DeShields right now, I could take him. Well, he's depressed.

He's going to turtle up. The guy is down on his luck. He's bummed that the Expos don't exist anymore. His kid, watch out for his kid, though. He can't even go to Montreal And get like a drink They don't even know what he's talking about He can't walk into a bar in Montreal and be like

Hey, it's Delano DeShields In his mind, this guy's still dodging fucking roof tiles From Olympic Stadium Well he's got a son Hopefully his son hits big and then Delano's back in the money Yeah, double D's We'll be back in the money. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, double D's back in business. That's what he says. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Guest host, Nick Repeat Adams. Just guest, Mike Schmidt. Oh. Just guest. Well, he's guest host. I went just guest.

I think I just ganked the host. I just named it. I don't know if I'm host. We've got some sponsors here on the program. First of all, our friends at Stack Soap. I know this is a big concern for you, Mike. I know that you're, as a miserly gentleman, you hate it that when you get to the end of your bar of soap it is convex and thus it is hard to combine with the

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They put meat in there. There's some meat. They'll bring it right to your house. Yeah, they can get a little bit of meat in there. Well, actually, that stacks so prime. Right. That's a good point. That's a good point.

Okay, and we also have a personal message up on the Jumbotron. The Jumbotron, by the way, is where you can get your message, just like the Jumbotron up at the ballpark, for a reasonable price. This is from Ross. Ross is moving to Austin, Texas. So this is his message to the people of Austin, Texas. He's moving there April 1st. He's looking for a place to live, presumably a shared place to live.

shared place to live. If you would like to, if you know of a place, or if you are looking for a roommate, somebody who is presumably a nice person since they like Jordan Jesse Go, just go to brassrocket.com slash Austin. He's looking for a room.

He wants to live with other people in a house, at least one roommate. He was looking to pay uh four four to five hundred dollars up to about six hundred dollars pumpkin friendly yeah he's pumpkin friendly looks like a sweet guy my experience is that the jordan jesse go listeners are almost universally exceptionally pleasant people so and fans of gourds yeah and fans of gourds anyway it's brassrocket.com slash austin so if you're in Austin, you know anybody who's looking for a roommate, you're looking for a roommate yourself, or you just want to welcome

him to town with a pleasant email and, you know, invite him to lunch or whatever. He's got a lot of information about what kind of guy he is. And, you know, you can send him an email, talk to him on the phone, whatever. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap. 200 bucks for your commercial message, 100 bucks for your personal message. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan Jesse Go or a series of episodes of Jordan Jesse Go,

email our, what's that called? Development director at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Sitting in, Nick. Repeat Adams.

Hi, Mike Schmidt, host of the 40-Year-Old Boy podcast. Oh, just had to slip an extra plug in there, eh, Schmidt? I got tired of not having anything to say. You guys have great things to say. Well, on Jordan, Jesse, go, the podcast that we're on right now. This one, this podcast. All right. When something momentous happens, we ask that you call in and let us know for a segment called Momentous Occasions.

We have some here. Let's take a listen. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse and guest. This is calling from chicago with a momentous occasion uh two weeks ago two weeks ago on the show jordan mentioned creed and today at work i don't want to go into details uh but i found out that we are doing a non-music-related creative project with Scott Stapp, the lead singer of Creed. Not sure what this means for the future of me being involved with that company anymore,

but I just thought you'd like to know. All right. Thanks for the show, guys. Bye. I love the idea that he takes pains to explain that it's not music related. Hey, hey, I'm not working on any fucking Creed albums. But what's amazing is that he's out there doing collabos. You know, he's out there working on...

What is it? Was it like one of those porn star dick imprints? It might be sex tape. I mean, he had that thing with Kid Rock, the sex tape from back in the... And that's why this guy was like, I don't want to give any details. Because I'm a fluffer for Scott Stapp, basically, in Chicago. Right. Up in the Chi.

Scott Stapp also sweat on me, by the way. Really? Yes, sir. Are they even a thing? How many orgasms did you have then, my friend? It wasn't for roses, though. He was just a sweaty motherfucker. When you fling your arms wide open.

Yeah. Stuff happens. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, Jesse. Hello, guest. I am leaving a message for a momentous occasion. I hope this is the right line. I'm a teacher, and I just had the honor of holding a baby shower in my classroom during lunch for one of the students of my school.

So it seems like a threshold in my career in some way. Thanks. Bye. A little snarky. Snarky for a young person who's in your charge? Sounds like, I don't know, maybe that guy

should think about applying to some private schools or something. Seems like a little like, ugh, all this crap I have to deal with, and now I have to throw a goddamn baby shower. Yeah, that wasn't exactly to serve with love. He was so despondent and horrible. And so at first I thought he was going to go, it was a celebrity kid or something.

But so what he's saying is a student in his school. Presumably, let's hope that he's a high school teacher. Because I can't imagine that if he's, say, a community college professor, that he would be this upset. That can't be a big deal, right? Yeah. And you wouldn't be doing that. And if he's a middle school teacher. It's just sad.

Yeah, it's just too sad. Oh, sure. Yeah. Not momentous at all. No. So basically, a student in his class in high school had her baby shower in his classroom at lunch. Yeah. Wow.

My first thought is her family and friends need to really step up. No kidding. You've got to do better than that. Yeah. Where are you registered? The lunchroom? Come on, man. You guys got to.

Well, you know, I mean, what are you going to get? You're going to get meatballs. Sure. You get some milk. Well, it depends on what day it is. Daytime. You get a fish stick on a Tuesday. You get pizza on a Friday.

Who knows? Oh, Jimmy already got her Tuesday. And a baby Bjorn. And a baby Bjorn. Everyone gets a baby Bjorn. They do have a baby Bjorn. Everybody. You can buy one of those everywhere.

Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Simon in Seattle. I manage a music venue. It's an old converted theater, and I just had sex on the stage for the first time. Obviously, the building was empty. It was after hours, but a lady friend of mine stopped by

and turned on a solo spotlight and made it happen. Thanks. First of all, creepiest call ever. No kidding. From the first word out of his mouth, I was like, this is going to go into a weird place. And it might have been shenanigans, too, because he might have just been using your boy's name to creep you out even further. My name is, oh, I don't know, let's just call me Simon. Yeah, that was grim.

Simon Lee Everett Thorne. Single spotlight. Single spotlight. Single spotlight. Wow. That's awful. The venue is the Highland Theater in Los Angeles, California, down the street from your house. There are some Randy Seattleites, folks. That does sound like fun, though.

You think you're the first guy he told? I hope so. He immediately went to the phone. Yeah, he actually called you're the first guy he told? I hope so. He immediately went to the phone. Yeah, he actually called you from the theater. That's the point. She's turning off the spotlight. Well, I mean, that's the purpose of momentous occasions. You put it in your cell phone, 206-984-4FUN. Now, wait, when the momentous thing happens, you call.

Professional. Did you see that? I saw it was smooth. It was very smooth. 206-984-4FUN. People taking care of business. Making it happen. Look.

Was that guy's tone of voice creepy? It was creepy. Yeah, crazy. Or he just had sex in a theater. It could be that. He just bowed his cheek on stage in a theater. Hey, man, check it out. Was he doing the right thing?

Yes, of course he was. He wasn't doing the wrong thing. He's a guy who's got his priorities in order. Sure. He knows that if you do a weird sex, you have the number in your phone, you call the line. Yeah. You know, if something momentous happens, whether it's a weird sex or something else, you have the number in your phone, 206-9844-FUN.

Listen, if you're banging somebody strange on an empty stage in Seattle, or you're working on a claymation cartoon for Fox with Scott Stapp from Creed. Yeah. Whichever. It's a sequel to the PJs. Call up. It's not a spiritual sequel to the PJs. It's a kindred spirit to the PJs.

Yeah. No subject matter. It's a spiritual sequel to the pjs in that it's a christian version of the pj there's no crack yeah it's just and there's no black people but it's similar it's star scott stapp and eddie murphy it's sort of a people it's sort of a version of veggie tales that's told in claymation and not super religious just sort of generally positive with a slight religious undertone Like it's not over the head

Exactly It's a collaboration The writing staff is a sort of collaborative thing Between Rick Santorum and Larry Wilmore Perfect blend They have a friend named Crossy It's a crucifix but he never cops to it He's just always implied

He's just there, he's just who he is And then there's a colorful Latinoino caretaker is creed still around is that they got back together actually they broke up and then they formed altar bridge without scott stapp and he went solo altar bridge yes sir and then that's the name of a band then got back together as creed nickelback has a new hit song yes they do don't they always you know what i someone challenged me on twitter i i talked a little bit the other day about um i talked a little bit no it wasn't it was worth it give it it was a twallet i like it i talked a little bit the other day about how it's weird to me that the late night television shows still book lots of

rock bands um and not just like not just rock bands that are not just van halen or whatever not just bands that were so famous 15 years ago that they're still famous now but uh or 25 years ago or whatever but uh also just new rock bands as though like the young people that care about new music like rock music um and and not that there aren't again as i said then not that there aren't young people who care about rock music like rock music um and and not that there aren't again as i said then not that there aren't young people who care about rock music there are and there's some cool rock bands there are great rock bands but it's a niche market it's a very niche market and it's over represented in this world you're talking about the new like a new rock band who formed recently

that yeah surprised exactly yeah because i'm surprised when like god smack shows up on jimmy kimmel well okay so here's the thing so someone on twitter twittered me come on you got to back that up if you say that so i looked at the billboard charts there was at the time this is from memory there was in the hot 100 there were two rock songs yeah And 18 Nicki Minaj songs. Of 18. Of the, on the rock charts, there were like, if I remember correctly, the top 20 rock songs, there were two songs by bands that didn't exist in 1995.

Oh, yeah, exactly. And so, yes, I win. That's my message to you. I win. To be fair, rock was very dominant for a long time. Yes, and that's why I think that if you get the chance to book Van Halen, go for it. Yeah, sure. Yeah, the people, older people that were young when Van Halen were out still love Van Halen.

And Van Halen still knows how to play their instruments and those songs. And they're still selling a fair number of records because while they don't sell quite as many as they did before, half of their fans still buy their records and they sold a bass load before. So half of an ass load is half an ass load, which is more than most can sell these days. And there's always going to be, every day,

there's a new 16-year-old who's like, holy shit, this Van Halen record is awesome. Exactly. However. And then there's a bunch of 16-year-olds who, like, holy shit, this Van Halen record is awesome. Exactly. However. And then there's a bunch of 16-year-olds who, after they get to do a baby shower at their school, go home and they work their pro tools and they want to be Tiesto. So, I mean, everybody wants to be Skrillex. And it's easier.

I mean, not easier, but technically, who wants to learn how to play a fucking guitar? It takes forever. And you have a whole generation of the people who have been dominating what is cool musically have not been the people playing the guitar so it just gets less and less cool yeah people you know plus then all the plus all the people that are cool are playing fucking banjos and shit nobody likes that yeah fuck that shit jesus christ there's also this thing like no one just wants to be a straight-up rock singer anymore it's like at a certain point everyone wanted to have elements of this that and the third and very few people just come out and say nope guitar bass keyboards drums straightforward rock music there's no dj nobody's fucking yodeling

yeah none of that shit we just sing rock songs like just straight up rocks don't we rock out nobody rocks out nobody rocks out anymore man no because, because all the cool kids, they like the indie rock music where nobody rocks out. There's not even punk rock influenced indie rock music barely anymore. There's a lot of bands that I really like and you see them and you're just like, I like this. I just want you to fucking rock out a little bit. Yeah, just rock out some. Like Jim James from My Morning Jacket. He goes ahead and rocks right on the fuck out.

Yes. He's got the beard. He's got the scarf. Why not? He's wearing a cape for Christ's sake. Of course he's on the fuck out. Yes. He's got the beard. He's got the scarf. Why not? He's wearing a cape, for Christ's sake. Of course he's going to rock out. Everyone's too afraid to be too earnest. Because nobody wants to be made fun of.

Nobody wants to be made fun of. That's our message to you. That's our message to you, white America. Rock out a little bit. Rock out. Cox out. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goff.

second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I am Nick Repeat Adams. I am the always grateful Mike Schmidt. Thank you for having me. Oh, guys, thank you so much for keeping me company while Jordan wasn't here. It's just been so much fun. Always a pleasure. Yeah, I'm a fan. I didn't know Jordan wasn't going to be here until this morning. Well, I didn't want you to duck out once you heard that Jordan wasn't going to be here. Well, A, that wouldn't happen, and B, I'm happy to make a new friend to Nick. That's what I like to hear. Wait, hold on. Did I make a new friend to Nick?

Hold on. Sure, sure. All right, I just want to make sure Nick's on board with that. I'm down. You guys, we're all friends now. It's all happening. Let's cut Jordan out of this thing. He's gone.

Later, Jordan. Take care. If your web series is so important thing. He's gone. Later, Jordan. Take care. If your web series is so important, ha, ha, ha, fuck you. Get a haircut. Hey, I got some really awesome MaximumFun.org news. For the first time since my brother, my brother, and me, we are adding a new outside podcast to the MaximumFun.org family. This is breaking breaking

news it is called throwing shade oh what's that what's wrong no it's a little awkward did you he oh that so it's not yeah the 40 year old boy no sorry do what led you to believe it was well i was here i mean i knew you were announcing it today and then you asked me to let you know ahead of time? Well, I thought it would be a reveal. You're a broadcaster. You like surprise. Moment. Spontaneous. I'm annexing your podcast.

Liberating. I thought it would have been an honor. I couldn't wait. I was actually waiting for the reveal. No, it's the Throwing Shade podcast, hosted by our friends Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi. Yeah, those guys. Aaron's been a multi-time guest here on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

She and Brian pitched this show as the world's only podcast hosted by a woman and a gay. I'm going to go out on a limb. Yeah, I'm a dick. And say there's a billion of those. But I'm sure go out on a limb. Yeah, I'm with Nick. And say there's a billion of those. But I'm sure it's a great podcast. The, um, basically... What about a gay woman? Oh-ho! I just

threw a little shade. There is a gay woman and a man. Actually, they flipped the script in Canada. Return to Sender. Oh-ho! Podcast, yes. This program, for those who don't know, Brian and Aaron first worked together on the current program, InfoNation. Oh, yes. This program, for those who don't know, Brian and Aaron first worked together on the current program, InfoNation. Oh, yeah. Current TV, where they each did a segment.

Brian's was called That's Gay. It was a satire of gay stuff. It was InfoMania. InfoMania. There you go. InfoMania. Brian knows his niche. Yeah.

Info mania. Info mania. There you go. Info mania. Brian knows his niche. Yeah. And anyway, so the two of them, the two of them both did satirical news stuff on Current. And then I don't know if you've heard about Current, but it's now the Keith Olbermann channel. Yes.

And so they have taken their their topical news satire to the podcast format. It's fucking hilarious. And basically every week they just take the most outrageous bullshit that is going on in the world of women gays uh whether it's you know everything from uh you know rick santorum to rick santorum right um from right now it's primarily to the real housewives of beverly hills yeah mostly santorum related yeah it's primarily you're gonna find it in a sweater vest into that right now this particular interjunction in time but yeah no the republican party is going to keep them pretty much on their

toes a fair no there's a fair amount of there's a fair amount of your real housewives your uh your limbaugh's you're all over the cultural map anything anything that uh anything awful happening in the world of uh in the world of women and gays is gonna get in their crosshairs they're fucking hilarious anything that wants a cock in its mouth is up for fair game or anything that doesn't want them to have a cock in their yeah yeah there you go yeah yeah anyone diametrically opposed to cocks and mouths yeah exactly i'm so fucking excited about having them on board the show is super super, super, super funny. I think you guys will really, really like it.

So give it a listen. We're adding it up to the website this week. As you listen to this, it may or may not already be up on the site. We had to make some last-minute changes. I'm not going to lie to you guys. We had a logo locked in, but then Erin realized that the logo picture of her had bangs and she doesn't have bangs anymore. Oh, ladies. So we're doing an adjustment.

Ladies. We're doing an adjustment to the logo. Yeah, no, I think Brian realized that Aaron didn't have bangs anymore. And he said, girl, you don't have those bangs. We don't want to be the next subject on Throwing Shade. No, because then you're the girl with bangs and that's a whole thing. You don't want that. Anyway, the Throwing Shade podcast, it's the new show on the MaxFun network.

It's so fucking funny. I'm so proud of it. Welcome to the family. I'm super, super into it. And welcome to the fam. So give it a listen. Give it a try. Check it out.

I think you're really going to like it. And you guys better kick ass because you've got to make me feel good about finishing second. Yeah, well, if you're looking for podcast entertainment, you could do a lot worse than our friend Mike Schmidt, who's got his own podcast online at the40yearoldboy.com. No, sir. No, sir. Do not go to the40yearoldboy.com.

MikeSchmidtComedy.com. MikeSchmidtComedy.com. And you're also doing your one-man. 40-year-old boy is a whole other thing. Don't even go to that. Please, you do not. You don't want to see it. You're also doing your one-man show in a couple of places.

You're DC, Cleveland, and what was the third one? Boston. Boston. This is exciting. Basically, this is you telling, for folks who don't know, you're just a prodigious storyteller. Your show is really the only great one-man podcast, as far as I'm concerned. It is so nice. You talking into a microphone for upwards of 12 hours

at a time quite a while yes i talk till i'm done that's what i always say while your producer guffaws off my that she does and sometimes too close to mike for some people but i don't care and well at least there's at least there's someone there to talk to because otherwise you're just a crazy person well yeah that's the thing it helps i mean i i'm a huge fan i couldn't do what i do without lilia there yeah so you uh you tell these insane stories from your life, sometimes normal stories from your life, but often insane stories from your life. Yeah, yeah. They can be.

It's stuff from the past, stuff that happened that day, stuff that happens all the time. And I cover, I talk about anything that, I talk at the speed of my head is how I always put it. And you've got a fast head. And your one-man show is essentially uh you sharing these stories from your life live on stage it's kind of like a grab bag of greatest hits from your life pretty much yeah there's my greatest hits i mean often greatest misses well there's a thin very thin narrative that brings it through and if people are fans of my

show they've heard a lot of the stories the final story is one that will that's not been told live and also i've been i opened the show and talk about what happened and how in the city that i'm in i was just in atlanta and by the time i finished the atlanta segment i was an hour and 25 into the show this is usually a seven eight hour show so anyway no pressure dc if you're in one if you're in one of those places you really don't you you don't want to miss mike's show mike's a you know brilliant hilarious guy really worth taking the time to go check out especially because it's going to be a really like you know it's it's one of those kind of special intimate performances you get to be in

a place where you're with other people that really get the thing that you're seeing and it's changed everything i mean because i can go to comedy clubs and people don't know who I am, but to get an audience of people who know you and are in tune with what you're doing, and I'm sure you do it too when you do your meetups and stuff. Yeah, totally. It's fantastic. It's a game changer. Yeah.

And it's called Success is Not an Option. We're calling it the Success is Not an Option Tour. Tickets are available at brownpapertickets.com. Google me, or I'm sorry, put me in there, Search me. And tickets for D.C. March 23rd. Cleveland, April 27th. My recommendation is just search for Mike Schmidt and then just click on Wikipedia. Just read all about it. Just read all about it.

Don't question it. Go to the first hit. Yeah. Just Google Mike Schmidt and go to the first thing. Yeah. I look great. My mustache is fantastic. Mustache looks gorgeous.

538 career home runs 548 548 that was pretty good though it was very close that's off the striker to the line that was off the dome striker to the that was pretty close that was really good for simple because i mean i'm a super i did not research that nicely done yeah um anyway so mike schmidt check out his show check Check out the one-man show. And I have one other thing that I want to mention, which is that we are imminently approaching the Max Fund Drive, which starts March 26th, Monday, March 26th. So if you're not already a Max Fund member,

that's when we're going to start giving out awesome prizes to get you to help support this show. Your donations are what pay for all of our salaries and our equipment. This is what we do for a living and it's because people like you help pay for it. So thanks to

everybody who pays for it. And if you don't, look forward to paying for it in a couple of weeks. And thank you again to everybody who does. Yeah, and hey, why to everybody who does. Um, yeah. And Hey, why don't you watch,

uh, Nick's the very, very funny television program that Nick's that Nick works on new girl. Check it out. Tuesdays. You know what? You know what, Nick?

I like watching that show. It's a funny show. Thank you very much. It's a fun show to work on. You know what? You're right on a television show. Could be a bad show. Most shows are bad.

Most shows aren't, aren't my cup of tea. You know what? New girl's a funny show. Thank you. That's for's for real look at us it's not a bunch of bullshit it's not as good as 30 rock but you know what is can't win them all you cannot win everybody's favorite it's only one 30 rock we can't be the satsuma of jesse thorn's tivo but you know what i enjoy watching the new girl but at least you're not the rotten grapefruit in the street yeah it could be a lot worse you had some very very funny, talented people on that show.

Our cast is great. Every lead actor, every actor on this show is very funny, I think. Yeah, I think everybody's getting better and, you know, finding a sense of who their characters are and we're learning how to work for them better. Totally. But you're being modest. I think it's a very funny show. I really enjoy watching it. I'm not full of shit.

Thank you. I've been watching every week. I want to double down. There's going to be a quiz later. No. 548. Off the top of the dome. Right there. 206-9844-FUN. Our telephone number.

JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Our email address. Oh shit. One more thing. We're looking for an events intern. If you're in Los Angeles and you want to work with our events department, our editor Nick White is also our events director. He's moving out here to Los Angeles. He's looking and you want to work with our events department, our editor, Nick White, is also our events director. He's moving out here to Los Angeles. He's looking for an intern to work with him on Max Fun Con and other.

50 black interns. You get 50 black interns. We're looking for 50 people to – that's a callback to something that we decided not to play on the air because it wasn't appropriate. It's an unusual thing. That's so funny because now they're like what was inappropriate about 50 black interns sorry you'll never know um but anyway uh you can find the information online at maximumfund.org and thanks to everyone who's reviewed our show and everything and let's just wrap this fucking thing up we We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. Hi,

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called my brother, my brother,

me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we ask, take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey guys, how many pushups does it take to look like a werewolf? Fine question. Griffin will answer that one one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society.

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