Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 215: Chewie Gomez with Ali Wong

Episode Date: March 12, 2012

Standup Ali Wong joins us to talk about growing up and getting married, radio icons who may not match up to our iconic images, and a plan for a new gay theme bar.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Ali Wong. And we finally figure out when it's time to get serious. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I had a lot of fun while you were gone. Oh, good.

I'm glad. My good friend, Nick Repeat Adams, and Mike Schmidt, the 40-year-old boy. But I'm not going to lie. It's great to have you back in the co-pilot seat there. Thank you. Thank you. Unusually sincere. I appreciate that.

You look great. Thanks. Oh, now it seems like it's getting shitty now you seem like i'm suspect now you're i'm you're setting me up for a slam right no i don't have a slam it's it is great it's great to have you back it's nice to be here it's a it's a pleasure to be here you were nice to be back at the helm you you went on a you went on an epic road trip that we will talk about uh later on in the show. Yes. Making internet television. In fact, both of us have had to take leaves of absence

to make internet television programs. Right. It's a shitty reason. Ultimately, it's a second rate. That's not even a real job. Right. Usually, when you leave home, it should either be to visit an ailing family member

or to collect blood diamonds. Right. If it's not either of those two things. For your blood diamond collection? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't sell them.

I just like to have them. The blood diamond collection from De Beers. Right. Exactly. Well, let's, let's bring our guest into this. She is,

well, look, at the end of the day what am i looking for in a guest on jordan jessico i certainly i'm looking for somebody who's uh funny i'm looking for somebody with a fresh original voice i'm looking for somebody who's free on a sunday afternoon um i'm looking for all of those things, yes. But most importantly, I'm looking for somebody who wants to join us on this program to rep the yay. Yay, yay, yay! She's a stand-up... Wait, is this whole podcast just going to be regional slang? That's right.

Yeah, absolutely. What are you guys called? We're going to talk about Chewy Gomez, Cancun Burrito. Oh, my God! We're going to talk about Chuy Gomez on this show? Our guest, stand-up comedian. She's one of the stars of the television sitcom, Are You There, Chelsea? She is Ali Wong.

Welcome to the program, Ali. Hi, guys. I'm excited to be here. It's a pleasure to have you here, Ali. It's funny. Ali has worked for many, many years with our friends from back when

we used to do comedy in the San Francisco Bay Area back when we were doing Prank the Dean. This kind of crew of comedians that came up doing open mics

in San Francisco. But she arrived on that scene a couple years into it and we were... I think we were already gone by then. Interesting.

We were doing our victory lap yes after winning comedy with our college sketch group your internet television victory lap yeah we're like yeah this this sketch comedy thing it's gone as far as it can go let's make some webisodes i've got 10 of thousands of dollars to make in internet. But Ali has been, Ali is like a superstar in the world of our pals like Brent Weinbach and Moshe Kasher and Kamau Bell and Jasper Redd and all these folks

who have been guests on our show. Can I throw in a deep cut? Yeah. Mary Van Note. Oh, absolutely. Why not toss a Mary Van Note in there? I just did. Hey, why not toss a Jacob Siroff in there? Sure. What about his wife, Sherry Siroff? Beautiful lady.

He's a handsome man. I started about four years after them, and I came in at the... The first time I ever went to the Punchline was at the roast of Joe Bartnick. Yeah, there you go. Do you remember him? And I was like, I want to be a part of this club. Yeah, there's a good group of comedians that came in.

Sort of under the... There have been sort of generations of San Francisco Bay Area comedians. There was a group that, you know, of people like Greg Proops and Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, who all...

They're not from the Bay Area necessarily, but this group was a really, really amazing group. It was just a, and then it was just a wasteland until Jello Biafra started spoken word. Then shit took off again. Okay, so let's get back to what's important. That is Chewy Gomez. Chewy Gomez was a host on Wild 107, later Wild 94.9.

In fact, he probably still is. He is. Don't you feel like Chewy Gomez probably is still hosting a show on Wild 107, later Wild 94.9. In fact, he probably still is. Don't you feel like Chewie Gomez probably is still hosting a show on Wild 94.9? He's the king of San Francisco. And there's only... Can I ask what the format of Wild 97 is?

95? It's an urban party station. It's like Power 105 or Power 106 here. Yeah, although the hip-hop stations here in Los Angeles just play a lot of dance music. There's a lot of LMFAO on the hip-hop stations here in Los Angeles that would not fly anywhere else in the nation. I even know that's not correct. Yeah.

It's really weird because you think of Los Angeles as being like the home of gangsta hip-hop. But really you turn on the the hip hop station and you... It's turned all neon. Yeah, it is seriously like... It's like pink music. It's pink hip hop. Yeah, it is that. Sure.

So anyway, Chewy Gomez was the... Tight pants, big sneakers. Is that... Okay. Yeah, like size 40 sneakers. I mean, size 40 skinny pants. Right. Chewy Gomez is the most legendary of all local Bay Area radio personalities.

And I'm including Sway from MTV News, who hosted the Wake Up Show based in the Bay Area. Even Sway! Yeah, he hosted the Wake Up Show, Sway and Tack. But I'm going to say Chewy Gomez's reputation far eclipsed, at least in my 11-year-old heart. Yeah, for sure. And just meeting any radio host. Well, he came up in this conversation because I was talking to Jesse about how wonderfully strange it is to see this voice that I've heard for so long come out of the face that

I've never known. Wait, so did you meet him recently? Is that... I met Chewie Gomez about five years ago. And like Tom, it's always like meeting the Wizard of Oz when you meet a radio personality. We should explain about Chewie Gomez. He's a floating head. We should explain about Chewie Gomez, by the way, that this is Chewie, C-H-U-Y, not C-H-E-W-I-E for all the Star Wars fans out there.

You're expecting a Wookiee. Yeah. This Chewie Gomez doesn't celebrate Life Day. Like all hip hop. That's Wookiee Christmas, guys. Like all hip hop radio personalities on the West Coast, he's Latino. Because Latino is the ethnicity, along to some extent with Filipino, that like. It's the neutralizer.

Yeah, exactly. It's the palate cleanser. Exactly. It's like a sorbet. Yeah. It's the neutralizer. Yeah, exactly. It's the palate cleanser. Exactly. It's like a sorbet. Yeah. It's the sorbet of ethnicities. It's urban enough for black people

to let it slide, but it's not so urban that it scares white people. Mm-hmm. I think that's why you end up with a morning host who's Latino. Yeah.

They have a long, healthy, straight braid. Uh-huh. He's like five feet tall. Oh, I know. Well, this is the thing so i'm surprised i'm supply surprised ally that you didn't know what chewy gomez looks like because if if you came where where in the bay area are you from san francisco so i'm also from district

i'm also from san francisco i'm from the mission district of san francisco and um i'm surprised that you did not also in addition to listening to chewy gomez grow up on broadcast on the radio that you didn't watch him on the california music channel the after school uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh on channel 20 or something it was amazing he was sitting down the whole jocelyn enriquez all day every day it was this is like bootleg local mtv in the bay area hosted by chewy gomez and like chewy gomez beloved local figure and i don't mean to offend chewy gomez but the man looks

like a latino troll oh he does he does like make a wish like a charm in. Oh, he does. He does. Like, make a wish. Like, in a charming way. Like, it's not that he's so much that he's ugly as that he's, like, small. He's tiny and round. Yeah. He's a circle with a ponytail. Yeah, exactly. Well, he was sitting down the whole time.

Right. I watched that every day, and I never saw him get up. So you didn't understand the scale of the man. I didn't understand the scale. You're not a six-footer yourself, Allie. No, I'm not. You're not a huge woman. I could look him in the eye.

Uh-huh. But his voice is just one of those voices. It just carries so much soul and weight and you see the weight but you just expect him to be like uh like a big big punisher yeah that's what i thought it's powerful it it carries it carries the weight of of every bay area hit from uh you know from timex social club all the way through to uh got myans On, but they look like sneakers. Vans by the pack. And then for you, Jesse, I felt like in your voice, I always imagined sneakers, not sneakers,

glasses. No glasses, some thick rimmed glasses, tortoiseshell. Like a tortoiseshell glass? I often get from people when they see me after having heard me that they imagine me as a vapor. Like a mist? Yeah. They're like, oh, I'm surprised that you have mass, they say to me. People imagine me with glasses.

People imagine you as gaseous. Right, exactly. Yeah, well, you know, I try and... Here's the thing. Like, there was a long time when Ira Glass would not put pictures of himself in public because he didn't want people to have... He didn't want to engage with that thing where people... He was like the top of LL Cool J's head. He wanted to remain unseen.

He was like, I'm going to keep this a mystery. I want to keep people curious. Wait, can I ask something about that? I had never heard that LL Cool J didn't show the top of his head. That's a thing, right? That's a thing that people... It's not something you have to hear. You just have to consistently...

You have to infer it. Yeah. I want to ask. You have to spend some time with Cool James. I want to ask how that relates to his song that he rapped over the credits of Deep Blue Sea. Mm-hmm.

And correct me if I'm getting these lyrics wrong, but what isn't the chorus to the Deep Blue Sea song? Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin. Is that some sort of reference to the fact that he doesn't take off his hat? I think so. Well, he is known for wearing a Kangol.

I mean, if there's anyone who has ever in history been known for wearing a Kangol, it's LL. I mean, even more than Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J is the man with the Kangol on his head. But that's not exactly like a... Well, maybe it is like a shark's fin. Well, it's like a shark's fin, because if you see LL's Kangol, like, say, popping out in a crowd or something, you know he's coming, and you know what's going to happen?

He's going to knock you out. There's going to be blood in the water. He's going to knock you out. So if you ever... As in his signature tune. I'm going back to blood in the water. He's going to knock you out. So if you ever... As in his signature tune. I'm going back to Callie. Sure. Okay.

That was the only LL Cool J question that I had. Okay, good. Well, I'm glad we could clear that up. Here's my LL Cool J question. I've been seeing that pop up on Netflix Instant a lot, and I'm wondering whether or not to revisit Deep Blue Sea. I probably should, because he stabs a shark in the eye with a crucifix. Because he's religious.

That seems like a good enough reason. Oh, and he has a friend that's a parrot. He does? He does, yeah. LL Cool J has... He's the cook.

If I'm remembering Deep Blue Sea correctly, he's the cook on like a... like a... like a sea science lab where they're breeding super sharks.

And him and his bird friend have to kill the shark by stabbing it in the eye with a crucifix it seems like they wouldn't let spoiler alert it seems like they wouldn't let the cook have a parrot right because it was shit in all that almost that almost beats the log line of shazam what was the logline of Shazam. What was the logline of Shazam? Shaquille O'Neal is magic. He's a genie that comes out of a boombox. I think that's Kazam. Kazam? I don't mean to... Maybe there could be more than one Shaquille O'Neal

genie movie. What if Shaquille O'Neal like 10 years later just decided to go back to the Kazam well, but he couldn't get the to the Kazam well. Yeah. But he couldn't get the rights to Kazam, so he knocked off Kazam and made a movie called Shazam. That would be great. Like for the Korean market.

Possibly for the Korean market, Jordan. Maybe for the Korean. I mean, I don't know much about Koreans, but I think they'd be into that. That and kicking-based martial arts. Ira Glass wouldn't allow people to see his face. And for a long time, his portrait was, I think, his hand in front of his face or him holding something. It was him hiding behind his microphone. It was something like that.

That was his portrait. Which is silly because Ira's a good-looking guy. Yeah. Which is silly because Ira's a good looking guy. Yeah. But all I can say is that all I want is to send out, I'm not a notably attractive man, but I just want my picture to be out there just so I don't have to deal with fucking people telling me that I'm a disappointment to them. Because I seriously, I could look like Brad Pitt. Yeah. because i seriously i could look like brad pitt yeah and if you're a radio host you just go out into the world and disappoint people that's all you can do is just go out and disappoint people

it's not disappointing but it's like well what i think it's very um kind of narcissistic to keep your picture like what ira glass did it's kind of narcissistic to like keep your picture and your voice separate it's like you're not a book and a movie. You're a person. You know? Like people will – if they put an image to your voice, it's okay. The world doesn't come crashing down. Or just let it happen.

And I guess my note – my thought specifically on Ira Glass is that, come on, who thought he didn't look like that? Honestly, I mean, I understand the philosophy behind that, but Ira Glass is the man perhaps more than anyone who looks like his voice. I would agree with that. Like, really? Did someone have a different image of Ira Glass than that? Well, here's something about Ira that I found interesting. When Ira was still working as a reporter, he had long hair. And a bird

friend. There was a big feature in the Chicago Tribune about the day that his hair was shorn. I'm going to put a bounty on that article to the person who goes to the library in Chicago and brings us back the article in the Chicago Tribune.

It is the stuff of public radio legend. It's difficult to go to a public radio conference and not have someone tell you about someone they know who's read that article or seen that article. Oh, wow. I feel like if we put that— So this is like that Jerry Lewis Holocaust movie. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. It's a secret. Yeah.

Wait, Jesse, are you advocating someone going into the Chicago Public Library and stealing the microfilm? The microfiche. The microfiche? Well, I wasn't going to advocate stealing from the Chicago Public Library until I realized that it involved going somewhere and stealing the microfilm, which is so appealing to me. The idea of going somewhere, I mean, how can you not? It's like advocating the installation of a button

in a car's dashboard that makes tacks come out of the bumper. Right, or maybe an oil slick. Yeah, like you can't not be in favor of stealing the microfiche. Yeah. Right. You got to steal the microfiche. You got to steal the

microfiche. But I would accept a What's the difference between microfilm and microfiche? I mean I know microfilm is a MacGuffin for James Bond movies.

One is the one that's on a reel and one is the one that's on a plate. Oh okay. And you move it. You know one's the one where you move it around and one's the one where

you roll it through. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm envisioning both of I don't remember which oneing both of those ways of looking at periodicals. Allie Wong's a little bit... They both make you feel very professorial. Allie's a little bit younger than us and she's like, don't you just mean the internet?

No, I do. I'm almost 30 and I do remember using microfiche in high school. It was crazy. I was just talking to my friends about like, do kids have to do that whole thing now where they go buy books and they're subject to all those like, you know how the book publishing companies, they become like drug companies. Allie, if you're going into college now, you can major in sexting. Are you serious? Yes, I am.

Dick pics. Dick pic theory. Yeah. Are you joking? I am joking. Oh. I would believe that. I don't. Are you joking? I am joking. Oh. I would believe that. I don't know.

We went to UC Santa Cruz. You could probably at least tell us. Yeah, you know what? You probably could totally create that. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, you were saying that you wonder if kids do have to do the typical research project rigmarole with encyclopedias and stuff. Well, no, where you like went to buy textbooks and it was like security was there because you might steal a textbook because it was worth like $40.

And then they would come out with these publishing companies were assholes and they'd come out with new editions. No, they're still into that shit. That shit still goes down. And now there's like, see, there's just put a CD-ROM in there. That's it. They just put a CD-ROM in there. Of Loom, though.

It's not the game Loom. It's just Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective. Sure. Yeah. Sorry, that's just some video game bullshit. Do people actually get disappointed when they meet you? Of course. People will fucking say it.

People will say it to you. Like, give me a fucking break. What's the worst thing that someone said to you? I don't want to talk about what the worst thing is. Jesse, relive some bad memories. I would have to, because you know what?

I have to say that the only person I've ever really been disappointed, because with Chewie I wasn't disappointed. With you, I'm not disappointed. Chewie Gomez is sort of, I mean, frankly,

Chewie Gomez is sort of like how you picture what he would be like yeah like he looks like a guy he looks like a guy a 40 year old guy that would hang out at a high school dance but also you would give him a pass because he seems like a fun guy he's not trying to molest anybody no he's just so wholesome he just loves to party. Sure. He's literally a pupusa. He is a pupusa. But like, I have to say, this is so bad, but I love Terry Gross.

Yeah. But I can't imagine how many people must be so shocked. When they see Terry Gross? When they see what Terry Gross looks like. Why? What do they imagine Terry Gross looks like? Her voice is fucking sexy. And then she's sexier than the voice, right?

Is that the... Is that what you're saying? I'm not going to say it because I love Terry so much. You're not into a 40 to 50-ish pixie-ish woman? She's a perfectly decent looking... I'm not into Bernal Heights. This is San Francisco stuff, Jordan. Okay.

We're just going to be doing some San Francisco stuff throughout the course of the episode. I'll just hang out over here. What do you guys call a... What do you guys call a... It's like a sub sandwich over there. What do we call a sub sandwich? We call it a burrito.

Oh, okay. It's called a burrito in San Francisco. We'll be back in just... Bread burrito. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Allie Wong. I am today's guest. Someone said something amazing, something magic. I had a magic moment in my life. I know that as a professional broadcaster, I probably should have boiled that down into one statement rather than three or four half statements. Well, listen, I think the listener right now, we can let you guys know. We're just spinning our wheels. We're just trying to kill time here. It's like when Tyra Banks says on America's Next Top Model, the next name I'm about to call is.

You just say the name, Tyra. Just say the magic moment, Jesse. I was, my wife had a doctor's appointment. And when you have a baby, all of a sudden, something like your wife having a doctor's appointment. And when you have a baby, all of a sudden, something like your wife having a doctor's appointment becomes like a fucking level five national emergency. Like that shit is so complicated.

Like you have to put the baby in the car. The baby has to come because the baby eats off of the wife. Interesting. Right? Yeah, the baby eats from the car. The baby has to come because the baby eats off of the wife. Interesting. Right? Yeah, the baby eats from the wife. So your wife has some sort of sandwich gland? How does that?

Yes. Oh, okay. And your mother is a lactation counselor. You know about making a cheeseburger. Yeah, you know, when she talks about work, I just kind of zone out, honestly. Yeah. know about making a cheeseburger yeah you know when she talks about work i just kind of zone out honestly yeah so um and the baby takes has to take naps at certain times and but when you put it in the car then it automatically takes a nap and so you have to drive around in circles literally like a riddle it's like a plane is going at 40 miles an hour that's exactly what it's like fox and a bag of grain yeah and a chicken you gotta. And they're all on a plane.

You gotta do a handshake with a troll. How do you get the chicken off while having the plane still go? This was an easy doctor's appointment. The classic riddle. We all know the classic riddle. Of the troll, the plane, the fox, and the grain. The answer is they meet in Des Moines. Sure. Exactly.

It was Superman the whole time. So, uh, this was Superman the whole time. So this was a relatively easy doctor's appointment, but just a simple pap smear. Just four hours of nightmare complication of logistics, right? So it ended up with

we head down to the hospital so she can go to the doctor and we park in the parking lot. And after I drive around because the baby's asleep, I'd have to drive in a circle for 45 minutes. So the baby wakes up and I change him. I'm taking him for a walk.

And there's nowhere to walk here by the hospital because it's Los Angeles. There's no things anywhere. So I'm just walking in a circle around this huge hospital, basically. And I get back around. things anywhere so i'm just walking in a circle around this huge hospital basically and i get back around i've just been walking this stupid circle holding the baby and i'm walking down the street in front of this parking garage and this dude will come walk in the other direction black guy maybe 35 locks eyes with me just full-on locks eyes with me and i'm like whoa some serious shit is about to go down like what is gonna happen like i i was like i was like ready for anything like it could

be anything like he could tell me that he's in love with me and he's been following me like it could be anything he could murder me now was it instant. Now, was it LL Cool J? I don't know. They all look the same to me, Jordan. Oh, okay. Well, you could tell by the hat. Yeah. It's like a shark's fin.

Did you actually get ready? Did you do something to get ready? Or were you just emotionally ready? I was emotionally preparing myself for any type of shit. You got Bay Area ready. Yeah. So this guy locks eyes with me fully 20 feet away from me, but we're going towards each other. Does he break into a sprint?

No. Okay. No, but we're both walking confidently. Him because he has some shit to handle and me because I'm going to have to handle whatever shit he has to handle, right? And we get close enough to talk, and he continues to look into my soul. He just goes, happy Father's Day to you every day.

Yay. That's great. That is very sweet. It's like Earth Day. And then he handed you a DVD of the Robin Williams movie Father's Day. Anyway, it was a magical moment in my life. I swear to God, I fully expected a Black Power salute at that moment. I felt like he could have handed me a bean pie.

Whatever. There was nothing that could have handed me a bean pie. Like, whatever. There was nothing that could have... He could have had me get on the bus to the Million Man March right then. You felt motivated. It would have been a time bus, FYI. Right, where you go back in time to do the Million Man March. But then you wouldn't be able to go because you had a baby. Baby's not a man.

He's a little man. No, sure. Yeah, you put a little red bow tie on him. Oh, that would be cute. Yeah, sure. It was fucking tremendous. It was like the best thing that has ever happened to me. Did you just look slack-jawed or did you respond?

I said thank you oh sure i don't know what the fuck are you supposed to say happy lonely man to you every day because what did he look like yeah i don't that's the thing the other thing about it on the other hand is that it's also a little sad because i was just carrying my baby. I was not doing any special baby thing. So like it is, I mean, to be frank, my wife is a much better parent than I am.

Teresa is a much more important part of my son's life. She has to get the baby back when you trade it for something. That's a big part of her day. I know. I mean, and especially if I eat one of the magic beans and then she's got to go find... Sure, she has to make a deal with the giant. Yeah, exactly.

I know how parenting works. But, like, I'm not even that great of a parent. Like, I'm a B-quality parent. Like, I'm not abusive. Well, it really kicks in for men later. Uh-huh. When the wife is like, I want to get my – but your wife looks banging. But a lot of women, they're like, I want to get my body back and I'm going to go work out and do some time for me.

What time is it now? It's me o'clock. That's when you have to step in. And she goes and works out and has to rub oil on her. That's a great Teresa impression, by the way. I mean, it sounds just like her. I met her for just a little – she sounds just like that. Yeah, no, I mean, you're a real sponge for voices.

You know, I can tell that. Allie, did you learn about women from that Tim Allen sitcom? Is that where you learned about gender relations? I don't think it was in the Richmond district of San Francisco that you learned about. It's me. I learned it from my siblings. They all have kids and all the men are kind of. How many siblings do you have?

Three. Okay. And they're all kind of a tapped out at first, except for my one sister. Well, it's funny because people ask me, what do you, what do people think about you doing standup comedy?

And one of my sisters is an unemployed lesbian who just had a baby with the sperm donated from her wife's older brother so i can do whatever so the heat's off you the heat is off of me but they're they were they're both very involved but the feeder is like it's all about the feeder at first the one with the boobs and the milk. Right. But then after a while, it's like the feeder gets tired and it, and you're up.

So how old is your baby now? Seven months. Oh yeah. And it's a boy. Yeah. Oh, then you're going to go through all those, like teach you how to man,

be a man issues. Oh boy. Sandlot stuff. I don't think I'm, it's not going to be my strength, Allie. You're going to be a man issues. Oh, boy. Sandlot stuff. I don't think I'm... This is not going to be my strength, Allie. You're going to be great. Yeah, because once Simon turns 10, your wife will go into what is called a chrysalis phase.

She'll hang from a branch. That's the other thing I learned from the Tim Allen sitcom. That women are insects. Women are basically insects. The meal clock comes first, and then the chrysalis and then when she emerges she will eat your head and you will provide nourishment for the next baby men are from mars women are from an insect planet right men are from mars women have compound eyes wait okay so ally i want to talk to you about this for a second. Because Teresa, I mean, my wife Teresa and I have been together since we were 17. Oh, my God.

That's so sweet. It's very sweet. We're very sweet. Did she go to Soda, too? She did. We went to high school together in San Francisco. Oh, my God. You're like Bon Jovi.

Bon Jovi has been with this high school lady forever. What? Bon Jovi? We're exactly like Bon Jovi. You are just like Bon Jovi. Oh, God, I wish I could remember the name of Bon Jovi's guitar player. That would have been a funny thing for me to say. Is that Richie Sambora?

No, yep, that's it. Sorry I didn't say that, guys. Yeah, she's a lot like Heather Locklear, I think. That's the one who's married to Richie Sambora, right? Sounds about right. Heather Locklear? Sounds correct. By the way, I watched on Netflix Instant the best of Triumph the Insult comic dog.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, holds up. Oh, really? I can't imagine that it didn't. Things that I thought were amazingly hilarious when I was 17? Oh, yeah. Yeah, still super hilarious. Do they have the J-Lo stuff when he's making fun of J-Lo?

I didn't see the J-Lo, but they did have the Bon Jovi. That's what made me think of it. Okay. Okay. But anyway. Wait, I want to... Sure. No, no, no. We're going to talk about...

What else holds up on Netflix instead? We're going to talk about marriages. Yeah, yeah. So like there's never been any... There's never been any family pressure on us to anything, right? Or really that much pressure. I mean, my wife definitely was ready to go.

She was like, yeah, baby time. Yeah. But she being a very, very nice person was not a dick about it. Oh, that's good. But one of my wife's best friends is our same age and is a good friend of mine too and actually went to high school with us as well. Lives here in Los Angeles. And I saw that when she turned like 27-ish, and she's like successful, smart, beautiful,

like the whole nine yards. I wish I'd married her. She's sexy. She's better. She's curvaceous. Just can suck a dick. Her snatch is so tight. Her areolas are perfect.

Just symmetrical. That's what you want in areolas. But I got to witness before my eyes like the plot of a Sex and the City arc. Like a woman go into full on take care of business. I'm going to find a fucking man. I'm going to find a good man and fucking marry him. Like, boom, boom.

Oh, yeah. Like, T-C-B. There's a lot of my friends who, I see a lot of women doing that now. And you see, you're a comedian And so all of the guys that you Spend time with are hopeless Tip shits

It's horrible This is the thing I'm going to tell any women out there Is that if You're attracted to comedians This is the trick They're hilarious They're life of the party but then they're a mess at home. They make you laugh, they make you laugh, laugh,

laugh, and then you take them home, and they wet the bed and borrow money from you. Consistently. Unless you, you're laughing until you feel like they're mother. And that's the role you take. That's what's the hardest thing. People are like,

is it hard being a female in comedy? It's hard being a mother in comedy. it that's what's the hardest thing people like is it hard being a female in comedy it's hard being a mother in comedy because that's just what ends up happening uh yeah so i i i found a guy who's outside of that but the thing is is that women start putting the pressure on because all your friends start getting snatched up and then it's just like you know it's just like when you're a kid and everyone has a Tamagotchi and you're like, I want a Tamagotchi. That's actually even a bit

ahead of my time. You got a Tamagotchi. No, I actually didn't get a Tamagotchi. I was more, I still remember Garbage Pail Kids. Keep it case.

But like, You were at the point where you got an ironic Tamagotchi. I got an ironic Tamagotchi. Exactly. But, you know, like all my friends now, I'm almost 30 and all my friends are getting snatched up. And then you just kind of feel like the last pick.

So then you feel like it's more of a reflection of your lack of value. And then that's like, oh, I got to get this going. And then it becomes a competition with all the rings and you're left out because you can't participate in the conversation about the diamonds. Who's got the best ring. And then all the ladies are putting their diamonds into the middle and then you put in

your commemorative green lantern ring that you got from 7-Eleven when you bought the green lantern slurpee. Yeah, and they're like, what the fuck is that? And then you just try and explain to all of the normal

people you know about how comedians become adults at 43. Yeah, I know. And then you have to worry. But now I'm like conflicted because now I'm turning 30 and I'm like I'm about to strong arm my dude into having a baby before 35. Like I just had the conversation.

It's funny. With him last night, I was like, we have to have a baby before I'm 35. Like I don't care if we're married or whatever. But it's not a biological clock. It's like I don't want it to be retarded clock. You know? Because it's serious. Yeah.

You don't want to have a developmentally disabled child. Nobody does. That's what happened to me. My mom was 35 or something like that. That's how I ended up like this. Sure. My mom was 40 when she had me. Yeah.

Are you the youngest? I am the youngest. You know, we don't want to perpetuate the cycle. We don't. We don't. We don't want to raise more people like this. No. Broken.

But like, were your parents, your parents were kind of oldish then? Yeah, I mean, my parents. Older than other parents. My parents, both of my parents had, I think what happened, frankly, with both of my parents was they both had whole lives. Just whole lives, crazy lives. My dad was in a war and my mother was a drug dealer and my dad was married and my mom was married. And my mom closed for Miles Davis and was friends with Gil Scott Heron and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was like Big Fish. And my dad was in all kinds of crazy shit.

And then they were like 36 or something like that. They were both living on the East. No, that's not true. My dad was in Berkeley. 36 or something like that. They were both living on the East or they were, no, that's not true. My dad was in, my dad was in Berkeley, but my mom moved from the East coast to the Bay area, uh,

because she was like, well, I'm, she sold her house and moved to the Bay area and was just like, I want to have a baby. And then, uh, she met my dad.

Um, when the time was an alcoholic, um um she may have been too at the time hard to say um and um they were just like this person seems okay and then uh i think not sure history's a little hazy on this family history's a little hazy when you have divorced parents that hate each other. But I think maybe my mom tricked my dad into impregnating her. And then they got married. She used the old, you can't get pregnant in a hot tub routine, right? My dad is like, nothing in my six years at UC Berkeley prepared me to handle that line.

I think she had her Norplant secretly removed, which is really dastardly. But they had like 20-year adult lives before I entered the picture at all. Which on the one hand, that's amazing that they had adult lives before I entered the picture at all, which on the one hand, like that's amazing that they had adult lives. On the other hand, they were completely ill prepared to have a relationship with each other. This is why their relationship was a total disaster. And also like they,

like my wife's parents are 15 years younger than they are and they got together, uh, immediately after high school in the summer between high school and college. Although my wife's dad didn't go to college, but, um, in the summer between when they were 18 and they've had a happy marriage for 35 years now. So who fucking knows? You know, on the parent front, my mom is getting remarried. Wow.

No way. Yes, absolutely. And how old is she? She is 65. How'd she find the dude? Congratulations. J-date? E-Harmony.

Wow. That is really cool, man. We are not J's. I resent the implication. J-Date. E-Harmony. Wow. That is really cool, man. We are not J's. I resent the implication that we are J's. Smoke some J's. But that's about as far as I go. Do you like the guy? I do like the guy.

You'll puff a J. I'll puff a J. Yeah. You've got to get your verbs. It's called verb agreement. Can you not say smoke a J? I think it's called verb agreement. Okay. Excuse me. I do like the guy. Yeah. It's called verb agreement. Can you not say smoke a J? I think it's called verb agreement. Okay, excuse me. I do like the guy.

Yeah, he's delightful. eHarmony is amazing. One of my best friends didn't have a boyfriend until very recently and she met him on eHarmony. She's a fun Christian. Very hard to find another fun Christian. And now she is literally

engaged to John the Baptist. Yes. I was going to say Kirk Cameron. Who is the modern day John the Baptist? She had never had a boyfriend. And he, after, I think it was like eight months of them dating, he emailed me and he said, I want to propose to Eileen. And he said, get all the...

Then you emailed back, you know I'm not her mom, right? Yeah. emailed me and he said, I want to propose to Eileen. And he said, get, then you emailed back, you know, I'm not her mom, right? Yeah. And then he said, I want to get you and all of her best friends together to do a flash mob proposal.

So they're both of their last names are Chu, C-H-U. And so he had all of us fly. So they'll be Chu Chu. Yeah. Chu hyphen Chu. Exactly. Weoo-hyphen-choo. Exactly. And we made these.

We made these. After the Dreamcast game choo-choo rocket. We made these t-shirts at the wedding proposal that said, I choo-choose you. Oh, that's a Simpsons reference. That's the best. That's great. We wanted to have a picture of Ralph Wiggum, but we had a picture of them kissing instead. Terrific.

And we all surprised her. She showed up in front of her garage, and we were all outside of her garage dancing to Janet Jackson's Love Would Never Do Without. Shoo! What? And we did a whole choreographed dance, and I got very emotional during it. I started crying. That's terrific. Because I was very jealous.

And it was amazing. E-Harmony. It should be like an E-Harmony ad. Okay. On the topic of online dating and fun Christians, I feel like I see the banner ad for Christian Mingle a lot. That's huge. Which is the Christian version of J-Date. a lot. That's huge.

Which is the Christian version of J-Date. And the and maybe it's just a targeted ad thing, but the women that they put on the banner ad for Christian Mingle just have giant tits. And I don't think that's okay.

But I mean God made them with giant tits so I guess that's okay but it seems like I don't know is that against is putting these giant tits on display

against everything that Christian Mingle stands for I wonder is there a cleavage or yeah yeah there is it's not

yeah it's not a woman in a tasteful sweater and then you can like tell you're like oh boy when the sweater comes off it's not like a

it's not someone wearing a twin set like a cardigan no no no no this is a tank top it's the internet they still have yeah no and i mean you know and and yeah i guess it doesn't have to lead to lead down to sinfulness i guess it's not inherently sinful to admire a woman's bosom do you think that's because you're looking at it on male oriented websites and if you were looking at it on male-oriented websites. And if you were looking at it on Better Homes and Gardens— I mean, on Pornhub, this banner for Christian Mingle appears, and— Exactly. There's these outrageous boobs!

I know. But yeah, maybe if you do—yeah, oh, of course on Pornhub, the Christian Mingle banner ads are sexual. But yeah, maybe if you do go on, you know— If you go hgtv.com or something like that. Sure, it's probably just a nice. It's just a nice set of balls. Exactly. Like a nice groat.

Sure. It says christianmingle.com. I'm really impressed that your mom, who's 65, was able to answer all of those questions on eHarmony. Like she was that savvy at the internet. Yeah, my mom is definitely not someone who can use the internet, and she's gotten a lot better at it, but because of the boyfriend she got on eHarmony. He's a tech-savvy guy, so he's teaching her how to text

and how to make a Facebook profile and stuff like that. My mom had a Facebook profile before I did. That's really cool. Congratulations, Sharon. Oh, absolutely. What great news. Sure, it is great news. But yeah, I don't know if I have to do anything in the wedding or not.

I probably have to throw the bachelor party. Oh, man. Which will be awkward. That would be very uncomfortable. Are a lot of your guys' friends all married now? No. Very uncomfortable. Are a lot of your guys' friends all married now?

No. I mean, the reality is that most of my friends, I mean, I have some friends who are older than me. You know, I have some friends who are grownups. You know, like our friend and colleague John Hodgman is a good friend of mine. He is a grownup with children and a wife. But he has always been a grown-up with children and a wife. Most of my friends who are my peers essentially have the same life that they had when I met them when we were 19. There has not been significant... I would say that of people that I know, I would say that Jordan has actually,

believe it or not, made some of the biggest strides toward adulthood. Don't like that? Believe it or not. Taking a little offense at that. That's fine. Go ahead. I say that as he sits before me in athletic shorts with paint on them.

Sure. A squirrel with wings them. Sure. And his... Squirrel with wings t-shirt. And I'm pretty sure that... I will say that I'm not... I have an exercise day before I come here. When Jordan... I'm pretty sure that when Jordan travels, he may bring his Xbox with him.

I considered buying a special backpack for it once. Now I just make do with my nintendo 3ds so um but i yeah i mean most of my friends that are that are in my peer group no my wife's friends yes but i think i think just when you like know comedy people like they only seem to become adults at 40. It's amazing, especially in Los Angeles when people that you know like uh uh you know uh our friends chris hardwick and janet varney you know they okay um if you like people people who are you know who are brilliant talented whatever you know that are grown-ups that you know they can be 35 years old, and they will get to the very end of a lady's ability to make a baby

before they get married and make a baby. Yeah, they're really pushing it. Yeah, I'll say this about my group. It is that they are not that many people are married, but everyone is living with the person that they're dating uh so yeah i am definitely the i definitely feel like now i'm the lone single guy at the couple's party for sure um yeah everybody's living together everybody has like furniture stories um and yeah anyway well really most people have a furniture What really changes is when people have the kids. Yeah. It's when people have the kids, that's when it's like, it's over.

Because you hang out with them and it's all about the kid. It really is. And it's like the, uh, but you know, I think for like, I, I hope none of my friends have kids anytime soon. Because you're afraid, you're afraid you might kill it. I'm afraid I might kill it. Cause I'm jealous. Because it's taking away attention from

our time together. Or you just can't do... It's harder to organize flash mobs when you've got a baby who's got a sleep schedule. You can't. My friends and I sometimes will still go to Disneyland. And we'll do the kind of thing where we'll pack

spam and rice and then we'll all share a turkey leg and we'll just like do a whole nice trip. You pack spam and rice and share it? What's that? Is this a secret way of going to Disneyland that only Asian Americans know about? Yes. It's how you save money on the food at Disneyland. You bring just like spam sushi. Do they not check your bag? They don't check our bags.

Oh, okay. And then you wear it like we all wear fanny packs. And then you put the spam sushi in there. Okay. Wow. And the turkey leg is the best value. It's $7. And then you bring Ziploc bags to put the leftover turkey in.

Oh, and then you kind of periodically throughout the day, you go into your plastic bag filled with turkey meat that you've separated from the bone. And you continue to eat that with your hand out of a plastic bag inside your fanny pack. And then if you really want to treat yourself, you go for a churro. Churros are great. But otherwise, that's how you go to Disneyland. And me and my girlfriends have a very good system of doing that. We're going to go see the Hunger Games. We have a very like –

You pack spam for the Hunger Games? We're going to definitely pack spam for the Hunger Games. But once you have a kid, it's like now we have to see the Lorax. Now we have to be in like a greenhouse bacteria farm with a bunch of children and we don't do the things that we want to do anymore. Here's the thing, the flaw in your theory is that if you lived in my

neighborhood, you would know that it doesn't matter what movie you're going to see, it's going to be a greenhouse bacteria farm. There's going to be six-year-olds running around and sneezing on you seriously you could go see the american starring george clooney and there would be a six-year-old latino child putting putting raisinets on your head that's how mount

washington rolls is this very latino neighborhood mount washington is a very mixed neighborhood but the immediately proximate neighborhoods are very latino neighborhoods well you know did you did i tell the joke about where i live pico and crenshaw no oh i live at pico and crenshaw very mexican korean neighborhood it's also known as transalvador the mexicans and the koreans are in constant racial warfare and their weapons are loud music versus frowning the only time they come together

is over the fact they're both scared of black people that's the only time they bond but it's like yeah I don't know where I was going that I think I was just trying to one up you

with your raisinets on the head thing because I get cards on my car that are like, come to Gino's discount Jesus figurine store where you can also get your smog checked and sell your gold. So everywhere in my neighborhood is also a factory farm. I mean, it's a one-stop shop because if you sell your gold, you're using it to buy Jesus figurines.

So it's great. It's like Target. No, that's fun. That sounds fun. It is fun. Well, I'm actually like it's, I mean it's the hood and I actually like living there because there's like everything is cheap there.

You can get like socks around the corner that are like three for a dollar. Everything is three for a dollar. One thing about los angeles two sets so you can so you'll have six socks total one thing that's nice about los angeles is that one of the advantages of the fact that it is so vast is that there really are parts that are abandoned by by people with money. So there will just be like you really can buy

a $1 sandwich. Like you want to buy a sandwich for a dollar? Yeah, we can do that in Los Angeles. You have to go to the $1 sandwich neighborhood, but you can get it done. It's sort of like when I sometimes I'll watch the hit television program.

Do you need a yard of dinosaur fabric? Yeah. Like, sometimes I'll watch the hit television program American Pickers from History Network. And on this show, what they do is they drive around and they buy things from antique stealers who pretend not to be antique stealers for the purposes of network television. But anyway, they have all these people have all these barns full of crap. And the thing that marvels, that boggles my mind, isn't that they have so much crap. I mean, my mom is an antiques dealer.

I understand that people have a lot of crap. It's that they have these barns. Because I'm from San Francisco where my mom hasn't owned a house since she moved to the Bay Area 40 years ago. Yeah. And so the idea that a person that has a torn t-shirt could have multiple buildings just explodes my brain. It's crazy. Anytime you travel in America, that's what's always insane. Like I went to St. Louis.

A movie was $5. A house was $5. Everything is $5. A sandwich, $5. Everything is $5. That's why it's sort of like except for beers that are $2.

Right, exactly. It's sort of like how they used to say if you go to Eastern Europe, you have to bring Levi's blue jeans. You used to have to bring a suitcase full of $5 bills when you travel to the other less densely populated parts of the United States of America. But it is cool in Los Angeles. You can find places that are kind of like that. Yeah, it's crazy, right? It is crazy. like that yeah it's crazy right crazy you just go to it you can just find in los angeles in the

city of los angeles you'll be in a neighborhood that is nothing but carburetors like very specialized how did i get to carburetor town yeah it's like mad max in some places well my boyfriend is moving here soon and he was he's like he keeps trying to make a push for venice san francisco and i'm like we are not fucking living in venice because there's a rich tax that comes with living in a place like that and now when now now that i live in transalvador is like i'm not paying more than 79 cents a pound for papaya i'm not doing it i have a papaya budget and it is fixed yeah i need to live near wig shops. If there aren't wig shops around, that means everything's going to cost like $3 more. in Los Angeles, I found myself getting so resentful of the shortage of ethnic things that I had taken for granted my entire life, I guess. I didn't know that I had taken it for

granted until because I had lived, I had grown up in the Mission in San Francisco, and then I had lived in the beach flats in Santa Cruz, and then I had lived in the uh and then I had lived in the western edition in San Francisco and then I lived in Koreatown in Los Angeles and so no one told you that most of America is just buffalo wild wing something that didn't uh well I mean you don't even have access to the buffalo wild wings in Silver Lake like there's no place that you could go to get a thousand papayas yeah like there's some shit that i just feel like you should be able to get a thousand out for a dollar and it's mostly like tropical fruits or like and it's not that it should be a particular thing it's just in my mind every neighborhood had some things that you could go and get that were the things of that

neighborhood and then i realized oh no except some neighborhoods don't have a bunch of poor ass immigrants with really good taste in whatever the thing is that people like in their home country yeah you know what i mean like filipinos love adobo we were talking about last week on the show so if you're in a fucking filipino neighborhood there's probably some good ass adobo and also if there's a lot of people that just came to the united states they probably don't got that much money so the adobo probably cost six dollars right yeah and that shit doesn't exist in silver lake ali i'll tell you this in if you move to Venice, your papaya budget will be strained, but you will save a lot of money on those long skateboards that you can ride while being pulled by a golden retriever who has a bandana. Oh, that's right.

I can fully embrace my alter ego wavy Davey. Sure. There are some shady parts of Venice, if that's what you're looking for. Yeah, I know. I mean... Like that Anthony Kiedis point break part. I have a friend...

Yes. I have a friend who lived in Venice, who's a guest on this show. I think... I won't say her name because I think she told me not to tell this story with her name attached to it

because she was worried about reprisals. But she lived in Venice and she actually had police officers running a drug surveillance out of her house. And they literally said to her, you need... And it was on a gang, a regular gang regular gang not like it wasn't like a surf gang like point break it wasn't a surf gang it wasn't like uh it wasn't like they were running it on a you know on a bunch of you know vampire weekend cocaine dealers um you know in in boat shoes and lacoste polos um but it was But it was a real cholo gang. If they updated the Warriors, that would be one of the games.

If they did a Warriors reboot, there would be a, like... A vampire weekend. Yeah, they look like they're going yachting. Yeah. So, anyway... The drug deals were shoulder pads. The police officer... She said that the police officers were, like, said to her,

you need to move out of here. Oh, my God. And when the police officer just straight up says that to you, like just straight says it to you like no. So she was like, OK. And she moved to Santa Monica or some shit. But the police officer was running a fucking and just said, you need to leave here. Wow. And so she just called her landlord and said.

A cop told me to leave. A police officer that was running a stakeout for three weeks in my house told me that I need to leave it. Can I break my lease? Yeah, exactly. Good. I'm going to tell that story to my boyfriend and maybe he'll forget about Venice yeah fuck Venice fuck that bullshit

move to Mount Washington this shit's nice maybe I should yeah this is nice we'll make you a cake I too am very used to living around people of color and that's the thing about San Francisco it's all I love gay people and I love Asians but it's all gays and Asians in San Francisco now.

And that's why I really appreciate L.A. because the ethnic enclaves in L.A. are so legit. They're so legit. And so the thing is about those gentrified neighborhoods is that they're nice and everything, but that's the thing is that the ethnic food is no good. It's all watered down. The Thai food is full of sugary. It's all a fusion. Yeah, it's totally all a fusion.

It's all combined with tacos. None of it's ever spicy enough. It has mayonnaise. There's not enough crickets in it. There's not enough crickets or pork clit. It's very disappointing. You get a lot of umami from that pork clit. You do.

It's terrific. Or gas mints from it. What is umami? It's a full flavor. It's a full- Have you had an umami burger? It's a full flavor. Yes.

Yeah. What do you guys think? It's real good. It's real good. I've had some inconsistency there. It's, you know,'s real good. I've had some inconsistency there. It's one of the – To be perfectly frank. For people who don't know, Umami Burger is something that's becoming a chain in LA.

I don't know if they have them other places. It's an Asian-inspired $12 burger. Yeah, and by Asian-inspired, we mean they just put some random Chinese characters up on the wall. Right, sure. I don't think the burgers have anything to do with Asia. Isn't that little cracker they put on it some sort of tradition of Asian cooking? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, it's Asian-inspired.

There's a little cracker on it. You can get a Sapporo there. It's Asian-inspired in the sense that the Rainforest Cafe is rainforest-inspired. But yeah, it's one of those places that is easy to hate on because people don't shut up about it. And it's probably full of dicks, but it's really, really good. It is really good. The problem with it, I mean, I have to say that of all the L.A. bullshit that I've participated in my five years or whatever it is, six years in Los Angeles, it is the one thing of all of those things that has most delivered that father's office

father's office is good too it's amazing and everybody listening if you're coming to LA the new shit's golden state the golden state it's on Fairfax across from Cantor's that's the burger

I don't know low dick ratio in there Yes. It's on Fairfax, across from Cantor's. That's the burger. Huh. I don't know. Low dick ratio in there. Nice. That's huge. Nice beer selection. Golden State. I don't know. I went there one time.

I thought it was good, but it didn't change my life. I went to the no substitutions thing at a father's office. Oh, that's nice. They have no substitutions. So they're like, vegan, get the fuck out of here. Like, lactose intolerant, get the fuck out of here. So I just have to sit there. We are angry at the customer.

We are angry at the customer. It's like burger Nazi. We do not trust the customer's taste. Yeah, it's awesome. I don't like any restaurant that has a something about it that I'm supposed to want to tell other people about. You just don't like... I don't like reputation.

You don't like conversations about food. It seems to irk you for some reason. No, I just don't like... Except various citruses. No, I just don't like things that are obviously designed to try and trick me into telling someone else about it. Yeah, you don't like being forced into buzz marketing.

Yeah. As our friend John Hodgman would say. I don't like things where it's obviously designed to have a long line outside. And I feel like that is all of Los Angeles' food culture is built around trying to get in whatever line everyone else is in it's true that's the thing that makes me uncomfortable I just want to eat

some fucking tacos just give me some fucking tacos by the way tacos la estrella that's what I say go eat some fucking tacos la estrella

I haven't been there 52nd and York do they have the real deal like the tongue and all that other stuff yeah sure that's very good okay that's good.

Tiny piece of brain. Yeah, sure. Nice. Seriously? Do you guys get down with that? Yeah, I fuck with all that shit. Yeah. It's not actually brain. It's cheek. Oh, okay. I mean, they may make brain, but it's cheek. That's the best stuff.

It's fucking hella good. It's so funny because you grew up in the missions, so you know that. But it's so interesting how all that stuff is becoming the fancy stuff now. So I'm Vietnamese, and it's just so weird that all the stuff that I got made fun of as a kid for eating bone marrow and cartilage and da-da-da, that's all the fancy shit now that people want to eat, and people are paying top dollar. Your mom whipped all your vegetables into a foam, right? Exactly. While she was cooking for you. That's how you get the kids to eat their vegetables.

Yeah, she made bok choy beignets. Right, exactly. She'd dip it in, what's that, freezing gas? You would just inhale your banh mi, right? Not inhale it as in eat it quickly, but inhale it in a gaseous form. Your mom would turn it into a vapor. She would super eat. It would be a cotton candy banh mi. Yeah, exactly.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It is Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Allie Wong, today's guest.

Hey, how about this? Makepixelart.com. Why don't you go to it? A beloved sponsor. A beloved sponsor of Jordan Jesse Goh. Week in, week out. They're there for you. Keeping the lights on.

Making pixelated arts. Mm-hmm. Dotcoms. You want to make a pixelated picture of a dog? Makepixelart.com. Want to make a pixelated picture of a deer? Makepixelart.com. You want to make a pixelated picture of some balls?

Makepixelart.com. Sure. If you want to make a pixelated version of the christianmingle.com banner ad featuring a christian woman with giant tits make pixel art pixelart.com and they also have an app there is an app smart telephone um and hey this is the absolute last week for the kickstarter stack soap hey this is the world's most efficient soap that's a slogan i'm gonna pitch to them yeah the world's most efficient soap. That's a slogan I'm going to pitch to them. Yeah. The world's most efficient soap. This is why, because once...

Well, me, I mean, Jesse, I mean, you know, you know from having watched Mad Men that advertising needs to be sexy. Right. There needs to be an element of sex or the suggestion of sex. So I think that really, you know, that really fits the bill. Right. Because what is sex if not efficient? It has one side is concave so that when you get to the end of this,

when you just have a sliver of soap left, you can put it onto the next bar and it just fits right into the concavity on the next bar. And then it makes a beautiful... Like tree rings. Yeah, okay. You can have like a bunch of different piles of soap. it makes a beautiful like tree rings yeah okay like a bunch of oh yeah piles of soap i guess it's like tree rings then you can tell how old the soap is the

soap is well no then you work straight through the soap got it that is very efficient yeah and that way you're not wasting so you're not wasteful it's like tree rings in the sense that both tree rings and this are good for the environment. Yeah. My boyfriend, well, my boyfriend's all about it. He's a vegan, so he's very new age. Although he doesn't like to call himself new age because he's like in the same way that hipsters don't like to call themselves hipsters. Right. You don't want to think you're like a cookie cutter. Yeah.

Don't call me new age. Excuse me. I have to eat these crystals. Yeah. Unlike anybody else. I have to put my tapestry on my bed i'm on a crystal cleanse that's where you only drink crystal juice crystal light too i also drink crystal light that's made of crystals yeah he uses but everyone knows that is not efficient really yeah he uses that soap that's like oh because it can't have tallow in it. Exactly.

Oh. So it's like it doesn't froth up. It doesn't do things like clean or wash. Right. It's awful. That's going to be a big battle when we move in together. This guy sounds stanky. It sounds like maybe the neighborhood thing will be tough because you want to be in close proximity to various ethnic meats. Yes.

And the, I mean, I think that when you, you know, in the places you're describing, the meat smell is definitely a big part of the atmosphere. Yes. Anyway. And he wants to be near yoga. You're just going to be like, hey, sweetie, I'm'm gonna head out and cop a few trotters yeah that was you know funny being near yoga between when me and my wife were moving a big issue for us was that she needed to be near a premium coffee vendor oh my it's the same thing like you only that's the problem like i i don't the the i don I could not give a shit about anything that's in a gentrified neighborhood.

Like, all the advantages of gentrified neighborhoods besides, I guess, safety. Safety. Still living. No helicopters at night. But, like, I'm a big dude and also— No ice cream truck with warped speakers. A, I'm not going to move to a really, really shitty neighborhood.

And B, I'm a big dude and I'm from a shitty neighborhood so I know how to handle myself so that I don't it's not going to be really bad. You just carry a baby and hope that someone just looks in the eye and say happy Father's Day

every day. But if you want to be proximate to and hope that someone just looks in the eye and say happy Father's Day every day. But if you want to be proximate to premium coffee, you can't live in the hood. You can't live in the hood. Cannot live in the hood. Anyway, stacksoap.com. I believe we have presented a compelling case. Argument for stacksoap.com.

For stacksoap.com. Anyway, this is the last week of the Kickstarter. It ends on Wednesday. So if you want to get in on it, get over there. Nothing other than Jumbotron this week, but you can get up there. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. It is cheap. It is cheap to get a one-off message on Jordan Jesse Go.

Plug your podcast. Wish your friend happy birthday. You know, propose to somebody Ali Wong style. Maximumfun.org. Yeah, do you have a clever proposal that includes a Simpsons reference? MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

And if you want to sponsor, if you want to sponsor our show or any of the Maximum Fun shows, be sure to get in touch with our development director, Teresa at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just with our development director, Teresa at Teresa at MaximumFund.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. Go. It's Jordan, Jesse. Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Allie Wong, today's guest. We're having fun, huh?

Yeah, aren't we fun? We got a new friend, Allie Wong. Sure. She's like our new best pal. Yeah, basically. Did you know that you are our best pal now, and that comes with a lot of responsibility? Like what?

You know, like keeping us entertained. Like if I'm bored i'm gonna expect you to like have an activity or like you know invite me to wherever you are flash mob proposed to you yeah which if you would please organize a flash mob like it can be you but i mean it seems like you already got a thing going so just like find a super hot friend and flash mob proposed to me on her behalf i like the port and stilton burger so if you could just bring one of those by i don't get to leave the house much since i had a child so i actually went on a date last night with my wife i went on a date last night with my uh

you know my paramour sure um i want a paramour is secret love yeah you that's oh are you guys oh i'm sorry are you guys keeping that under wraps i'm in love with my wife yeah sorry i didn't i was making the beans the second thing i said was a joke now but my wife uh my wife and i i actually did go with my wife and uh we uh it was literally the first time that we had been out of the house together without the baby since the baby was born on a date. Seven months. It was weird. It was weird.

Where did you guys go? We went out to dinner. We went to a fancy French restaurant. Oh, that sounds fun. Did you make it throughout dinner without talking about the baby? Yes. Wow. There was no... The reason we were ready to not talking about the baby yes wow oh yeah no there was no the reason we were ready to not talk about the baby all that shit about like all you can think about is the baby oh no all i could think about was anything but the baby my my in-laws were here the baby

was asleep i trust my in-laws with the baby my in-laws are great they're like fuck the baby but what was what sucked is you don't know this, Allie. Jordan does. Our listeners mostly do, is that I get migraine headaches. And I've been working like crazy lately. And one of the things about migraines is, for a lot of people, including myself, stress is a migraine trigger. But the way that it is a trigger often is that because migraine brains like stasis, they like things to be the same, and then they freak out when things change. When you get under

stress, that doesn't necessarily trigger a migraine. But when you stop being under stress, that will trigger a migraine. So yesterday was my first day off in forever, and I got a migraine so yesterday was my first day off in forever and uh i got a migraine so i had i was like i was all doped up on migraine pills on my first date with my wife i was like sort of half open eyes can you can you try to put rack of lamb in my mouth taking those yeah i mean it's not it's not a great idea i sometimes sometimes think, wonder whether I should. I kind of just do. Yeah. Fuck it.

Fuck it, right? Are they good, the kind of pills where you almost look forward to getting a migraine? No, they just make me sleepy and make everything seem harder. I see. Yeah. Because Theraflu is pretty exciting. Theraflu is nice. I just took it a couple nights ago and it was amazing i as i was drinking it my boyfriend was like all right i have 15 minutes before the alley as i know her disappears so let's have a very important conversation about

our relationship my wife loves migraine medication jesse because when i take my migraine medication i become my wife is very nurturing you're not holding your head and screaming well yes that too i'm not curled up curled up on the floor of the shower crying like generating as much water out of my eyes as is coming out of the but um no what it is is that i my wife is a very nurturing person and I need her help. And also, I also, because I remember when I didn't have help with my migraines, both before I lived with my wife and also just my parents were divorced. And so either my mom would be working or going to school my mom worked and went to school for much of my childhood both and then

or my dad also didn't really believe that my migraines were real for much of my childhood and so um like i just had to just just deal with it and also there wasn't even pills when I was for a significant period of my childhood. And so the fact that my wife will like cook me some food or something, because my pills work pretty good, you know, but they leave me a kind of a tired, exhausted mess and everything seems really hard. And so that she'll cook for me, like could cook for myself i could get it together to make pasta but it would be just a fucking the hardest pasta you could ever make the fact that she'll do it i get so appreciative i'm just like theresa i love you like kind of a hug

like and to her that is like the best because i'm not. Happy Mother's Day to you. Every day. Every day. Every day. Do you maybe think that that guy, when he said happy Father's Day, was that code for follow me if you want to do some gay stuff? Like Father's Day. Father's Day. I am the father.

You are the petulant child. Right. And I will spank You are the petulant child. Right. And I will spank you before putting my dick in you. Like Father's Day is a gay code like foot tapping or... Yeah, wearing a carnation on a certain lapel. Right, or which pocket you put a handkerchief in. Yeah. That would be nice.

That would be a compliment. Maybe that's the new Are you a friend of Dorothy? Yeah, I don't know I feel like one of the great On the whole I'm a big supporter of the gay liberation Movement Some aspects of it

Either way it's positive Overall I'm a big supporter of gay rights I'm glad that human dignity Has been afforded that 10% of our nation's population on the whole, and I'm happy to fight for it into the future. However, one disappointment is that it does remove much of the necessity for the special secret codes.

Like the fact that the- I miss those, the earring one, that was big when we yeah when we were in special secret fuck places also yeah sure like i i mean ultimately i mean you can have like a special secret place where you go to have an honor do anonymous fucking but like why would you do that when you can just have an app? Do you think? Do you guys think? Like, you know, obviously in, you know, a big trend in our big cities are these kind of like retro bars. Right.

You know, you got a guy with a waxed mustache. He's muddling something in a cocktail. There's a lot of taxidermy on the wall. It's, you know, it's that. That's a big trend. Do you think there's that in the gay community? But like no one acts real gay. You just go to a place and have a newspaper and tap is there do you think there's a market for that like gay nostalgia club like a 1958 gay bar right yeah i i would that sounds fun everything now in the gay community they're like it's just so out have you been to the Folsom Street Fair

recently Jesse? I haven't been recently no just as a kid so in San Francisco there's this have you heard of the Folsom Street Fair?

no I have not it's this huge we come from San Francisco it's an amazing place it's an amazing place it's like a big S&M fair hadn't heard

and then there's these men who dress up like nuns it's a lifestyle fair. The sisterhood. They're called the Sisters of the Perpetual Indulgence. Right. I actually knew a guy I knew a guy named Huntley who was the Pope of the Sisters of the Perpetual

Indulgence. Yeah. He was a cool guy. And that's within the and the Folsom Street Fair I thought was like kind of run by the bears. So it was like so crazy to see these nuns with the bears. Well, there's a... This sounds like a different kind of Warriors reboot. Yeah.

There's a conflict. I mean, the thing is... What I'm saying is that I think that bar exists. There's a conflict within the bears. I mean, there's conflict within the bears because there's the bears that are like geeky, roly-poly type bears. Kevin Smith type. Yeah, Kevin Smith. Or the kinds that like like geeky roly-poly type bears. Kevin Smith type. Yeah, Kevin Smith or the kinds that like Kevin Smith.

Sure. Anyway, they're sort of like their main thing is being friendly and hairy. And then there's the sort of original bears, which were into... Which are actual bears. Which are sort of like... Then there's the Berenstain bears. Right. The Jewish bears.

Sure, yeah. Oh, that's funny. There's Russian performing bears. Yeah. No, but, you know, like, wasn't there, wasn't one of the guys in, wasn't one of the guys in Mike Tyson's Punch Out, like, a Russian guy with a mustache? Oh, a bald bull, probably. Like, that kind of hyper-masculine hairiness.

Oh, no, you know, there's another one. Like an old school bear. Yeah, the original old... That has to do with muscly-ness. You might be thinking of Soda Popinski. It was probably Soda Popinski. Yeah, I think Soda Popinski. So that part of the bear community and the...

To be fair, all those Punch-Out characters were pretty gay. Yeah. And the friendly goofball part of the bear community and the... To be fair, all those Punch-Out characters were pretty gay. Yeah. And the friendly goofball part of the bear community are sometimes at odds. And then the sort of classic S&M part of the gay community, which overlaps in part with the muscle guy, you know, the guy like the leather guy part of the gay community like they're all they all have their own sort of little battles between each other and also friendships with between each other but yeah that shit all that shit all takes place at the Folsom Street Fair which is a place where people of all types from San Francisco go to just see a good old-fashioned flogging yeah a public a public flogging so you think about all those subcultures,

I think the diversity in gay bars and whatever will never stop growing. Yeah. It's like snowflakes. Jordan, we should explain. In San Francisco, the Folsom Street Fair is an event, not just a thing where people go to see floggings, is an event not just a thing where people go to see floggings but an event where literally a hundred a hundred fifty thousand people go to see floggings including the mayor wow the folsom street fair is totally something the mayor goes to yeah and it is an snm thing sure he has

to cut the ribbon on the new dungeon yeah i proclaim this dungeon open for flogging. City supervisors walk around in suits wearing red ties and white shirts waving to everyone while someone is hitting someone with a cat of nine tails and someone has a giant novelty dildo sticking out of their ass. And another person. Sponsored by Jamba Juice. Yeah, exactly. I will say that I am really heartened when I – and this is kind of a similar thing, maybe not as specific as that. But I am always pleased at how gay West Hollywood Halloween has stayed. If you've ever been to West Hollywood for Halloween. I haven't because it's a nightmare on Halloween.

Sure. The traffic is a nightmare, so it keeps me away. But I heard it's amazing. Yes. I have a parking sticker, so I am allowed to walk around gay West Hollywood Halloween. And it's one of those things where it's like, well, non-gay people talk about going because it's fun and outrageous. And it's one of those things where you wonder, like, is it just going to be 10 outrageous people and then 100 people gawking at them? But it is pretty outrageous.

There's all, you know, there's drag Girl Scout choir and there are, I mean, last year more Lady Gagas than anything else. But yeah, I'm always surprised when I go. I'm like, oh good, this hasn't gotten lame yet. This hasn't gotten diluted. Not like ethnic food. Not like ethnic food in Silver Lake. This hasn't been sponsored by PBR and there's not a command performance

from Foster the People, you know. Anyway. That's nice. I would enjoy going, do you think that we could call the from Foster the People, you know? Anyway. That's nice. Plus Hollywood Halloween. That's nice. I would enjoy going... Do you think that we could call the... I think we should open this bar. I think we should open this bar.

This closeted gay men circa 1958 themed. We could call it Dorothy's. Yeah, we could. Sure, sure. Or the unicorn or something. Uh-huh. Sure. The narwhal.

Yeah, we would require ties. A tie would be required to get in. It would be a gentleman's only establishment. Allie, you could be the colorful, you could be the brash, colorful bartender. No, because everyone will mistake me for a little tie boy like I did when I was little in the Castro and tried to get me to suck their dick in a port-a-potty. That sounds fun. And then I have to be like, I'm a girl!

I was born here! I'm a girl! Do you still want me to suck your dick? Now that that's cleared up, is the dick offer still on the table? I was just going to see a Godard movie at the Castro Theater. Just wanted, yeah.

Yeah, no, I think so. I mean, if you are a gay man out there, and it seems like this is mainly for gay men. It seems like that culture of foot tapping didn't happen around women, but I'm probably wrong. But yes, if you are a gay man out there and you are nostalgic. This is for younger. tapping didn't happen around Wim, but I'm probably wrong. But yes, if you are a gay man out there and you are nostalgic... This is for younger... Well, I think this is for...

In my mind... Is this ironic? No, our target... It's not ironic. But our target audience here is urban, young, 35 and under, urban gay men

who never... Who grew up in an environment. Let's say they grew up in San Francisco. They grew up in Los Angeles. They, you know, they went to private school. They came out to their parents and their parents were happy about it. They got like a bar mitzvah for coming out. Yeah, exactly. And they always thought, not that they wanted to

experience the prejudices, the nightmare, the nightmares of that, but they wanted, they just wanted to have a secret world. They wanted to be in this, they wanted to have their own secret world where everyone

wears a tie and sucks dicks behind a newspaper. Open this the newspaper and that's a signal for dick sucking. Will we allow newspaper? So if they're holding a newspaper, it's okay to suck the guy's dick in the bar? If you're holding a newspaper, you can do anything. It's like the hole in the sheet. Oh, for juice.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, probably at this point, by time we open we'll have to like go to a vintage shop to get newspapers. Otherwise people will be like hiding behind the Kindle.

You're a fuck dick behind the Kindle. Yeah. Maybe we can just use like a High Times or something. Oh, no. That's a magazine. Yeah.

We're going to have to and the thing is we're going to have to have we're probably going to have to have a newspaper lending library. We're going to have to figure out a way to wash the newspapers. Yeah, some sort of like...

Laminate. Maybe like a steaming... Oh, yeah, that's a good solution. Yeah. Let's say we could steam them. We could hang them above a radiator, maybe. Yeah, how do you get Santorum off a newspaper? Dorothy's.

I think we're on to something. Yeah. Yeah, and see, I'm going to head down to dots for a stiff one is what you'll say. To your wife. To your 50s housewife. Who knows? This is going to be so fun, you guys. We're going to be businessmen.

In your case, you're going to be a business boy. Allie. Sawadee. Wait, let's change the name to Business Boy. Well, anyway, I think at the end of the day, what's important is that I recently watched a very powerful episode of The American Experience about Stonewall, and it made me cry. Oh, good. That makes up for all of that stuff that we just said, right?

Yeah, sure, all that prejudice stuff yeah yeah but i cried while i was doing my ironing as i watched an episode of the american experience about stonewall oh geez we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Allie Wong, today's guest. Okay. So,

it's 2012. You all know the slogan for 2012. More powerful than ever. Colon. Going ape. Mm-hmm. We have had so many fucking

amazing artworks. Yeah, absolutely. That's it. Yeah, thank you to everybody who made stuff

for the contest. It's really, really cool to see all of it. They are all over our Facebook, all over the forum. It's just tremendous. Search for Do Yourself a Favor. Go on Facebook.

Search for Jordan Jessico. Click on Like. While you're at it. And then check out some of the shit that people have made over the past month. I mean, it's just absolutely tremendous. Very creative. I like this one's just absolutely tremendous. Very creative. I like this one. This person named Metatarsals on our forum just got a bunch of white paper

cups and wrote one letter on each one that said going ape and then crushed them all. Like so many paper cups in their hand. That's what I'm going to do to my enemies this year. Well, it would be like he crushed them like so many enemies. Yeah. He can't good paper cups like

paper cups gotcha although he did yeah he did to be fair as it turns out he did we got i mean we i want to i mean so many so many great uh people uh marnie uh made this amazing poster she actually sent us one um that she actually printed she's a professional printer she put them in her etsy store um and sold a whole bunch of them and donated a significant portion of the proceeds to maximumfund.org way to go um it is gorgeous she hand set the type hand cut the thing the illustration it is absolutely tremendous um friend Patrick made a light box I love this one this one is my favorite

a more powerful than ever light box it is absolutely tremendous we had the interns go over all of the picks pick out some finalists we gave it careful consideration as to what we wanted to be

the final decision winner Jordan and I had a fucking in-depth conversation in the break just now about what we wanted to be the winner and that's Jordan and I had a fucking in-depth conversation in the break just now about what we wanted to be the winner. And that's why we didn't announce it last week. I did not want this to be a unilateral decision on my part.

Ultimately, we wanted this to be a group decision between me and Jordan. We have picked a winner. It is Shane Train. Shane Train. Shane Train, who has made an absolutely spectacular illustration of a gorilla. And I will say that almost everyone took this as literally as you could possibly take it.

Even after the episode where I went on and said, you don't have to take this literally, everyone took it literally. I almost wanted to give it to the Cups person for just not just drawing not just drawing a picture because everyone else drew a picture of a gorilla but um this is a not only a great picture of a gorilla but the gorilla is wearing those kind of hologram uh novelty eyeglasses that you wear for new years let's say 2012 and i also like that it's kind of candy colored yeah it's beautiful because it's a lot of a lot of fun, vibrant colors. Yeah, it's kind of fun. It makes it kind of gay. Yeah.

Which is fun, you know? Which is a topic that we like, apparently. We should have it up at Dorothy's. Yeah, we're going to put it up. Oh, yeah, that would be great. Totally great for Dorothy's. We're going to put it up on the wall at Dots. I mean, at least for the rest of 2012.

So, Shane Train, congratulations. You, sir, or madam, are the winner of an Xbox. Email intern at MaximumFun.org. We will send you an Xbox. And we have an extra copy of Gears of War. I'm going to give honorable mention to Patrick for that light box. And Patrick, if you have an Xbox, well, one way or the other, email intern at MaximumFun.org and

tell us if you have an Xbox. We will send you that extra copy of Gears of War that we have, that I'm pretty sure that we have. I really hope that we didn't just... Hey, you know, if you don't have it, he can have my old copy of Gears of War, too. Yeah. And look, I really want to thank everybody

who made one of these things. Yeah, absolutely. These are just absolutely spectacular. And how about this? Marnie and CK Vend, who are also finalists chosen by our intern, email intern at MaximumFun.org and we will send you a t-shirt because your stuff was so tremendous. And thank you to everybody else because it was just i mean it's just really cool to you know have a crazy idea like that and have everybody be so inspired by it and i also i also want to say that in addition to

these art projects i have really gotten many emails from people talking about how they have applied that philosophy in their lives and how you like people who were like very sincere heartfelt emails about that they have really touched me and so thank you to everyone who emailed us about that i know that that seems like i'm making it up. I personally don't... I don't approve of people taking the show seriously. You shouldn't. It's dumb. No inspiration allowed.

Don't. No upliftingness. This is for brainstorming fake gay bars. Anyway, so thanks, everybody. That's how you get your stuff. Our listeners are just absolutely positively the best. And speaking of our listeners being the best, and speaking of awesome emails I've been getting, I have been getting so many awesome emails about people loving Throwing Shade.

Hey, yeah, absolutely. We announced it on this show last week in the new Maximum Fun podcast from our pals Brian Safi and Aaron Gibson. Brian's going to come by and be on George Jesse Go soon. And look, it is a fucking tremendous show. It is all of the most important issues going on in the worlds of gays and ladies taken much less seriously than they deserve. It is a hilarious, hilarious show, and you might accidentally learn something about

something important going on in the world but mostly it's hilarious yeah yeah scary how good they are so fast i that's what i the first time i heard it even before it was on the max fun uh concern i'm like oh wow this is like their 10th podcast and they're already really really good so yeah possibly better than us it's certainly better than us oh absolutely no question about it they're better than us yeah so what are you doing listening to this pile of shit so you should you should go to maximumfund.org we got their site up on maximumfund.org look for it in itunes subscribe give it a listen uh i think you'll really like it and hey guess what the max fun drive is coming up and we have all kinds of cool stuff. Me and Jordan are going to make another one of those

Riff Trax shorts that people liked so much in the past. We're also going to make a bonus episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! And I've been thinking about this. I haven't said this to you yet, but I was thinking of an all straight talk bonus episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! Straight talk for teens?

Or just no gay stuff. We just... I don't think we can make it through an episode with no yeah I'll at least mention grinder once it's too fun it's too fun it seems like a fun lifestyle outside of the

many difficulties that we will continue to fight against because we are against them tooth and nail yeah but no I think I think we open it up past teens. Okay. What do you think of that? For anybody.

Yeah. We will change lives. I think it will be a life-changing episode. I will absolutely do. I will absolutely do all straight talk. If you need your life changed in any way, whether you're a teen, you need some guidance, any kind of guidance, we will set you straight. And by that, I mean, if you're gay guidance we will set you straight and by that i mean if you're gay

we will make you straight um no i we will it'll be the michelle bachman's husband of podcast we will guide you on any problem call us 206-984-4FUN call us right now so that you can get in before we record this show 206-984-4FUN jjgoe at maximumfun.org you can email so that you can get in before we record this show. 206-984-4FUN. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. You can email it in. You can tell us if you want it to be anonymous. And our interns will go through all of them. And we'll answer as many as we can over the course of that bonus episode.

And that will go to everybody who is a donor to MaximumFun.org. I think that's going to be fun. Me too. Right? That's going to be fun. Why wouldn't it be? We are going to have some fucking fun. Oh, and one more procedural thing.

Please. Meetups, Jordan. Yeah. You're headed to Bridgetown. I am headed to the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon. You don't know exactly where your meetup is going to be, but you do know when your meetup is going to be, right? Yes. I will be at Bridgetown for a couple of days.

They're kind of still working out the particulars, but I will have it, I think it's Friday the 13th? Friday the 13th. So keep an eye on the Bridgetown schedule and MaximumFun.org, and we will get up. But Friday the 13th in Portland, meet up with Jordan. Yeah. And if you are an early listener to jordan jesse go i am having a meetup on wednesday night that's this wednesday night

as we release the podcast which is the 14th in minneapolis minnesota at 8 p.m from 8 until i don't know i collapse from exhaustion because i'm flying in that afternoon and evening at Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis. Just look for the pile of nerds. Friendly nerds. But, you know, let's get real. And, hey, maybe this is a good time for me to mention, if you are in the L.A. area and would like to see a sketch comedy show that I am involved with, my sketch comedy group Up Up, Up, is going to be performing at the UCB Theater Wednesday, March 28th at 8 o'clock.

And we have a sketch comedy laugh joke that we're going to close the show with, right? Absolutely. So, yes, enjoy this laugh joke. Know that there are many more like it at our show. And, yeah, you can get reservations on the UCB Theater website. Excuse me, March 28th, 8 o'clock. Ali Wong, it has just been a joy to have you on the show.

Oh, it's been so much fun. It's so nice to finally meet you, Jesse. Especially the last five or seven minutes as we have just completely ignored you. Just pretended that you weren't there. We talked about you. Allie, do you have any places that people can see you?

I am at the Punchline this weekend. In San Francisco, California. Beautiful comedy nightclub in San Francisco. March 15th to 17th. So come on out. Go see Allie in San Francisco. If you're not in San Francisco, you can follow Allie on Twitter. Is it at?

Allie Wong 3000. Allie Wong 3000, which you can remember because it's just like Andre 3000 only she's not quite as good at rapping almost as good at rapping and a better singer but you do you are in that commercial with Adrian Brody

when you guys shave I totally am where I shave my mustache right into a weird shape and wear a fedora right and then walk in slow motion

with that handsome Spanish man anyway who's that what's that guy's name Javier Bardem Gael's name? Gael. Javier Bardem? Gael Garcia Bernal?

Gael Garcia Bernal. Gael Garcia Bernal. Allie, it really has been a pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you so much for coming on with us. Allie Wong, the brilliant Allie Wong, at Allie Wong 3000. Well, let's close the show

and throw it over to UpUpUp, who are at the UCB Theater here in Los Angeles. What's that date again? March 28th, 8 o'clock. March 28th. Okay. We'll see you soon. Bye.

Bye. Thank you for shopping with us at Dobson's Hobbies. That's one Rutger model train starter kit. This your first, young man? It sure is. You know, I've loved trains since I was a kid. I'm really excited to start building. Here's something I wish someone told me before I started

in the game. Once people find out that you're into model trains, just be prepared for an avalanche of pussy. Um, what? Really? Just be prepared for an avalanche of pussy. Um, what? Really? Oh, yes. Once the womenfolk here tell that you've got painstakingly detailed scale models of classic locomotives in your rec room,

you'll be up to your elbows in gash. Oh, um, I had no idea. I mean, I love model trains, but I was prepared for women to find it a bit weird. Trust me. Once a woman is presented with the mental image of you hunched over a replica of a turn-of-the-century caboose with a tiny paintbrush, their panties will be as damp as a summer night on the bayou. Um, well, I'm not sure that'll matter. I've been happily married for ten years. I'm sure your wife is a lovely woman, but if she doesn't want a divorce, she'll need to realize

that you're now a sexual beast that cannot be caged. Maybe my wife can help explain. Linda? Honey, I just sold this man a Rutger starter kit. Oh, that's lovely. I hope you're hungry for pussy, young man,

because once the local ladies see you choosing between marginally different shades of gray water-based acrylic paint, their lady shoots are going to be slicker than a slip and slide. That's what I told him. He's a bit skeptical because he's a married man. Oh, honey, that wife of yours is just going to have to get used to the fact that you belong to womankind now. You're a model train enthusiast. Asking a model train enthusiast not to fuck pussy 24-7 is like asking the wind not to blow. Oh, boy. Well, what exactly is it about model train men?

Well, before I met Roger here, I worked my way through all the bad boys of the old guy hobby world. I've had ice fishermen, skeet shooters, guys who collect Disney pins and put them all over a denim jacket. When we first met, she was into bird watchers. When we first met, she was into birdwatchers. When I first saw her, she was hopped up on lewds being passed around the Audubon Society mixer like a joint. It's true. I'd spread them for just about any guy who could identify a scissor-tailed flycatcher. But once I saw this handsome gent clicking stupid little pieces of plastic together to make fake-looking trains that don't really do nothing. I was as damp as a windsock after a rainstorm.

Um, that is amazing. Um, hey, just curious, throwing it out there for no reason, hey, what hobby would someone get into if they were looking for, like, some, uh, you know, some down-low gay stuff? Box kites. Hello, fake radio listeners. I didn't see you over there. too if they were looking for like some uh you know some down low gay stuff or boxcats hello fake radio listeners i didn't see you over there this is judge john hodgman relaxing in his chambers you know i've resolved the greatest moral conflicts of our time like the potluck problem

snob versus slob and of course the toot dispute do you have a pressing issue that needs swift, decisive justice? Visit us at www.maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That's JJHO for Judge John Hodgman. And here are the results of each case on my weekly podcast, Judge John Hodgman. You can subscribe in iTunes or find it online at maximumfund.org. This is the sound of a gavel. That is all.