Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 218: Friends, Romans, Hulkamaniacs with Gene O'Neill

Episode Date: April 2, 2012

Gene O'Neill joins Jesse and Jordan to explicate a surprisingly dark porno, discuss birthdays with Gene's dad and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, dum, twiddly, palm tree. This week we're joined by big time Gene O'Neill and we explicate a pornographic film that Jordan watched.

I was going to say it's not that vulgar, but it kind of is. Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Wow. It's nice. It's a beautiful afternoon Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Wow. It's nice. It's a beautiful afternoon in Thorne Manor, isn't it? It's a great day. Earlier in the day, I had a chicken salad sandwich outdoors. You know what? I enjoyed a huarache.

Oh, outdoors? I did. Congratulations. Yeah, me and Nick White, the editor of Bullseye, we went to the flea market this morning. We purchased a patio set. Great. Are you guys starting a life together? Absolutely.

A homosexual friendship, like a romantic friendship. Oh, okay. I'm confused by that when you say homosexual friendship. Why is that? Do you don't think that friendship and romance go hand in hand? Well, I mean, Jesse, I've seen both Friends with Benefits and It's Complicated. I couldn't remember the name of the other Fuck Your Friends movie. Right.

So I said It's Complicated, which is where Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin find each other late in life. Sure. And from those two movies, I learned that oftentimes when sex and friendship meet, it often gets complicated. Right. So I'm just worried that you and Nick are getting into something that's more complicated

than you're ready for at this point in your life. I don't know. Here's the thing. We have the perfect patio set, so I don't see how it could go wrong. Okay. We went to the flea market.

We got the patio set. I got the guy down from $350 to $175 on this patio set, so I don't see how it could go wrong. Okay. We went to the flea market. We got the patio set. I got the guy down from $350 to $175 on this patio set, and this thing is gorgeous. That's quite the haggle. We're talking about green wrought iron. What's your haggle technique? How did you get such a hearty discount? You got to be ready to walk away, Jordan. Wow.

You have to be ready to walk away. Do you have to know when to cut them and know when to fold them? Yeah, you got to know when to cut them and know when to fold them? Yeah, you got to know when to cut them and know when to fold them. Cut the cards. Always have to carry a switchblade. You got to know when it's time to start a knife fight. And you also have to know when it's time to open up a delicious chicken restaurant. Let's bring our guest into the mix here because he is looking at us angrily.

Let's bring our guest into the mix here because he is looking at us angrily. Of course, you know him as a regular guest here on Jordan Jesse Go. He's a successful Hollywood screenwriter. He was the longtime co-host of The Sound of Young America in our salad days. His name, of course, is big time. Emilio Estevez. He wrote Men at Work and directed it. Big Time Gene O'Neill. Hey, Gene.

Hey, guys. How's it going? Oh, it's going great. Were you guys always pulling pranks on each other on the set of Mighty Ducks? Oh, me and Emilio? Oh, I thought you were him. Jesse said successful Hollywood screenwriter, so I had a malice. My mind went Emilio Estevez, and I just maybe thought that was your nom de plume.

I thought you were Martin Sheen. Oh, well, yeah, that happens all the time. I thought you were one of the Sheens. Man, I wish I was one of the Sheens. Or possibly Lou Diamond Phillips. Isn't there a third Sheen? Yeah, probably. Or a third Estevez?

Yeah. There's Joe Estevez. That's probably the one you're thinking of. Joe Este third Estevez. Yeah. Sheena Easton. Joe Estevez. That's probably the one you're thinking of. Joe Estevez? Martin Sheen. No, Joe Estevez. He's kind of a doughy, a doughier Sheen. He's like the Daniel Baldwin of the Estevez's.

Yeah, exactly. Or the Sheens. Daniel Baldwin? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He played the guy playing Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock this week. I thought that was Billy Baldwin. Oh, you might be right.

Maybe it was Billy Baldwin. I think actually Daniel Baldwin now has leapfrogged Billy Baldwin on the Baldwin totem pole. Because it used to be Alec. It's always been Alec. Right. Then Steven. Right. Then Billy.

Right. After he did Fair Game with Cindy Crawford. Right. And then Daniel was always at the bottom. Right. Right Then Billy Right After he did Fair Game with Cindy Crawford Right And then Daniel was always at the bottom Right Where does, now, what's the current Baldwin totem pole now that Stephen Baldwin is a Christian goofball? Actually, Daniel Baldwin might be number two now Yeah

Now, who, tell me about this ranking, who's better? Sheena Easton or Sheila E? I don't know who either of those people are I don't know who sheena easton or sheila e i don't know either those people are i don't know who sheena easton is oh well you know you can't win them all why don't you tell us who's number one can i ask you guys a serious question that i started thinking about a lot last night while i was on a date with my wife sure this is the kind of shit that i think about when i'm on you want to you're wondering whether or not you should take it to the next level with your wife you're worried about that it's getting too serious did you give her your letterman jacket that I think about when I'm on... You're wondering whether or not you should take it to the next level with your wife.

You're worried about that it's getting too serious. Did you give her your Letterman jacket yet? I gave her my fraternity pin. Are you guys going to change your Facebook status? It's complicated. It's complicated. But to be fair, It's Complicated is already on your Facebook page as your favorite movie.

Yeah, that's true. So that'll be a little confusing. Have you and your wife had sex yet? Who do you guys think does more sit-ups? Shakira or Ricky Henderson? Well, is Ricky Henderson still a baseball player? No, but I think he would like to be. No, he still is.

He's in the Mexican League. Is he playing in the Mexican League? Or some South American League. I think he's a spring training consultant for the Oakland Athletics. That's like the job that you give to a guy who's too famous to not have a meeting with if he shows up at your team's corporate headquarters. Asking for a place to sleep. Yeah.

Exactly. Asking for a place to sleep. Yeah. Exactly. My wife's cousin's boyfriend of many years had Ricky Henderson as his landlord in Oakland for a while. Ricky Henderson was his landlord? Yeah, Ricky Henderson owned on the street that he lived on. This is when he was like 25 to 27. It wasn't just he was like a building manager.

No, no, he wasn't the super. I was going to say, how does Ricky Henderson deal with a broken hot water heater? Promptly? No, he owned like four apartment buildings on this block in Oakland. Okay. Yeah, and he was his landlord.

I mean, as far as your sit-up question goes, I would guess whether Ricky Henderson is either playing for the Mexican leagues or consulting. Right. Or can you be a professional third base coach? Yeah, that's a professional career. Okay. Whether he's doing any of these things, I would guess that his time of being in peak physical condition is probably over. See, here's the thing.

Oh, boy. I just walked into a hornet's nest. I think you might be misreading Ricky Henderson's lifestyle. Because Ricky Henderson aspired to return... Ricky Henderson's about 50 years old now. But Ricky Henderson only admitted that he wasn't going to make it back into the major leagues about 18 months ago. Yeah. admitted that he wasn't going to make it back into the major leagues about 18 months ago. And he was playing minor league baseball until about three or four years ago.

And he was always known on his teams, even as a 46-year-old, as being in the best shape of anyone on his team. And he stayed in shape exclusively by doing sit-ups and push-ups he doesn't believe in exercise machines well that's probably i mean that might be points for him though because i would imagine that shakira has a has a diverse and varying physical regimen yeah she has that that belt that hooks around your hips and she does a. She does a Zumba. Yeah, well, I mean, it works. Hips don't lie. Sure. Is the name of a Shakira song.

Oh, good pull. Thank you. That's all the Shakira songs I know. Something, something Montaigne-esque. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, then if what you say is true and Ricky Henderson is devoted exclusively to sit-ups, I would say probably him because I would maybe think Henderson is devoted exclusively to sit-ups, I would say probably him.

Because I would maybe think Shakira's workout involves sit-ups, but also some cardio kickboxing. But I'm thinking about it right now, and I'm thinking that Shakira does a lot of sit-ups. Or is that just because I just started thinking about it and I'd rather not stop thinking about it? Yeah, maybe she's sitting up into your dick. That classic move from the Kama Sutra. Oh yeah, the dick sit up. What could be more erotic?

That's a nice incentive when you've done 100, you're like're like come on Shakira Just ten more And you'll finally get to my dick I think Ricky Henderson Does the dick sit up too though To his own dick

Yeah Oh yeah He probably does Are you suggesting That Ricky Henderson Had some ribs removed So he could suck his own dick I'm suggesting

He got really good at sit ups Just so he could suck his own dick Oh okay He might have had some ribs removed So he could have more effective head-first slides. Yeah. And he discovered that sucking his own dick was a side benefit. Right. Or he had all of his ribs removed so that he could have more abdominal muscles.

Yeah. He has like an 18-pack. Yeah, that guy has so many packs. Yeah. Have you seen a recent shirt-off picture of Ricky Henderson? What's the most recent shirt-off picture you think you could find of him? I don't know. I think this is something that we should get on top of.

Yeah. Let's look on the internet while we talk about it. Are you guys, as baseball fans, up on Jose Canseco's crazy Twittering? Canseco's crazy twittering? I've, I've, I, well, the thing is, is someone, I don't follow Jose Canseco on Twitter, but I think no matter who you are, someone you know follows Jose Canseco on Twitter and retweets his tweets. Yeah, that's usually where I will see Jose Canseco's crazy twittering is from someone retweeting it.

Here's the thing. from someone retweeting it. Here's the thing. Jose Canseco and Ricky Henderson were teammates on the 1989 Oakland Athletics. And, you know, I'm from the Bay Area. My dad is an A's fan. And in the Bay Area, you don't have to pick sides. You can like both teams.

I'm a Giants fan more than an A's fan. But you don't have to hate the A's if you like the Giants. It's not a Red Sox-Cubs situation. That's not anything. Or a Mets. Those are from two completely different cities. It's not a classic Mets-Cardinals situation. It's not a Los Angeles Kings-Phoenix Suns situation. I like Jordan to make all sports analogies from here on out.

Yeah, it's not one of those Gretzky-Brady rivalries. It's not one of those basket man pigskin ball rivalries. It's not one of those karate, see how long you could hold your breath rivalries. But here's the thing. Like, Ricky Henderson, I think, had a well-earned... Cubs White Sox? Yeah, Cubs White Sox. There you go.

So Ricky Henderson had a well-earned reputation for being self-centered and also for being an amazing baseball player and being colorful. I mean, he's a fun, ridiculous guy. All these things are true. However, Jose Canseco had a well-earned reputation for being all of those things and also a terrible person like the reason the A's dumped Ricky Henderson when they dumped Ricky Henderson I mean the reason the A's dumped Jose Canseco when they dumped Jose Canseco was because he was such a raging asshole and so there's something that makes me uncomfortable about the ironic celebration of him because it sort of reminds me of his sort of like history of spousal abuse and stuff like that. Okay.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't follow my dad on Twitter for the same reason. Plus, he always gets retweeted anyway. We should explain that your dad is Mike Tyson. Yeah. I don't know. How do you feel about this Jose Canseco thing as a person who knows nothing about sports?

I am kind of aware that he maybe is partially the basis for Kenny Powers. So when I see the retweets, I just think of that, oh, that's what the guy who Kenny Powers powers is kind of based on uh would say and yeah it's it's it's pretty funny i think is that a deserving comparison jesse was he kind of like i mean was he that like vitriolic or abusive yeah i mean here's the thing like there it's what's weird about kenseiko and my relationship with Canseco is this it really takes a lot to the one thing that I like more than anything else in the world is an athlete playing past his prime like I will give it up to Allen Iverson playing in Russia I will get I loved when Julio Franco, after he was finished playing in the major leagues at age 46, decided to go back to the Mexican leagues and play for a few more years in the Mexican leagues. Mr. Baseball is your favorite movie. And baseball, one of the things that I love so much about baseball is that baseball is so kind to a fat old man.

Like, if you have some skills, it is possible to hang on as a fat old man in baseball. So you're saying it's kind of like the Expendables franchise. Yeah, exactly. No, it is exactly like the Expendables. That is a perfect analogy, and that is how I feel about it, with rare exception, and the rare exception is somebody who has a reputation for being a dick. But with rare exception, I love ancient baseball players, especially if they're like in the minor leagues and people are like, why are they still playing? Like, I don't know, because playing baseball seems great. Or because they made a lifetime of poor financial choices

just whatever it is i mean there was for a while kevin mitchell who was one of my favorite players growing up he played for the giants uh in the late 80s and early 90s um who i mean he had i think he had made some poor financial decisions he also had uh horrible diabetes and at various points had been... It was one of those situations where he had managed it poorly and was overweight and almost lost limbs and almost died a couple times.

At some point, he was 40-ish and was playing for the Sonoma Crushers. Sonoma County, California, about an hour and a half north of San Francisco. Independent league team. I'm all for it.

Fucking go for it, Kevin Mitchell, a former National League MVP. Is there some sort of rule about minor league baseball teams having undignified names? Yes. Okay. They must have undignified names. That's part of the charter that you sign when you buy a minor league team.

There's a rule that everything about minor league baseball must be undignified. Okay. No dignity must be allowed in minor league baseball. They all have that contest to see which guy's mascot can be their best. So with Jose Canseco, the fact that he's still playing and he is now literally 50. I think he's 48 or 49. Is he in the Mexican leagues? What does he do?

That's the latest thing is that he has been signed by a Mexican league team to be a DH. And then he tested like positive for steroids in the Mexican league. Yeah. They test for steroids in the mexican league yeah like i didn't even they test for steroids in the mexican league and also the team that's that that test is are you on heroin right now are you nodding off from heroin are you in a heroin nod your giant tits get in the way of you swinging the bat so i mean it takes a lot for me to dislike a 50 year old guy who's headed to the mexican league but jose canseco i mean the guy is such a twat yeah i oh i think one of the retweets that i saw

that i thought was pretty good were his and rife with misspellings was um how about someone do a sitcom where i'm like a gym teacher in nut-hugger shorts? Let's get that done. I thought that was pretty good that he's also coming up with sitcom ideas for himself. But I will say this. Not that long ago, I was over with our buddies, the Sklar Brothers, on their show Sklar Bro Country. And the interview guest on the show was Nate Corddry,

last week's guest's brother, Rob Corddry's brother. And Nate Corddry was saying that he plays on a softball team, like a recreational softball team here in Los Angeles. And like a year or two ago, they were having softball practice just on a softball field in West L.A. somewhere. on a softball field in West LA somewhere. And Jose Canseco and his girlfriend just came down to the softball field and said, Hey, can we practice with you guys? Are you sure he's not just thinking of that episode of the Simpsons where all

the professional baseball players guest starred and that happened verbatim to Bart Simpson? He did mention that Ken Griffey Jr. had been drinking this Nerve Tonic. And he kept saying, so then me, Bart Simpson. He did mention that Kangrophy Jr. had been drinking this Nerve Tonic. And he kept saying, so then me, Bart Simpson, I mean, make your dream. Anyway, stop having cows, guys.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I did. 16 again, eh, Gene? Yep. For the fourth year in a row. Well, I call it I'm 30 fun years old now. Hey. Yeah. I like that. I'm going to use it.

My birthday's in a couple weeks. Yeah, go to town. Did you get anything? I got myself something. You'll notice I'm wearing a suit made entirely out of silver. Wow. I was wondering about that. So 31 is the silver suit.

Yeah. I took... 32 is platinum copper. You had to look this up in the World Almanac and Book of Facts. Well, actually what I did is I just took all the Franklin Mint commemorative coins my grandma has been sending me since I was born. Right. And then I boiled them down. Right.

That's how you smell things, right? Yeah, you just drop it in a pot. Boil it. Boiling water. Yeah, and then you just... You put a little olive oil in there so they don't stick. Yeah. That's the secret.

And then you just drop it, drape it over yourself. And then do it in suits. So this thing is stuck. It's stuck underneath forever. So underneath your body is horribly scalded Oh man my dick is on fire right now Hey it worked for the silver surfer Plus he learned to surf

Sure And that whole Galactus business Did you make sure to I mean I can't really see from the angle I'm at Did you make sure to pour the suit over you While you had an erection so you can still have to, I mean, I can't really see from the angle I'm at. Did you make sure to pour the suit over you while you had an erection so you can still have sex? Because, I mean, you know, it's going to be hard for a broad to get in there. Oh, man, I did not think about that.

Also, did you put a straw in your pee hole so that it can breathe? No, right now my bladder is exploding. Oh, jeez. Hey, I noticed we're kind of a room full of guys here. We're kind of in Jesse's man cave. Would you mind? When did this stop being an episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go and start being an episode of American Pickers? When you turned on the St. Paulie's neon sign.

Yeah. And when you brought up the steam tray of hot wings. Would you guys mind if I brought up kind of a gentleman's topic? Yeah, sure. I mean, I did. I did earlier this week interview a man who's been to a strip club with Ludacris. So I feel very well qualified. Wow. Who is that? Jazz pianist Robert Glasper. They were just at the same strip club or they went together? They went together. Wow. That's an unlikely pair. I mean, I don't know these guys really, but it seems like an unlikely pair.

They were at a music academy sponsored by a major energy drink. I wonder what it was. And at the end of it, everybody got together and went out to the strip club. Wow.

Yeah, so he hung out with Ludacris at the strip club. He said that at a strip club, Ludacris is surprisingly reserved. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think if you are in a situation where unlimited pussy is coming at you no matter what, it's not as exciting. Yeah, sure. It's like if you're jesus and you're at a fish store you're like all i need is one and i can just multiply them right you know the old parable of jesus at the fish store yeah i know that you guys remember that from sunday school

right he runs around he breaks all the fish yeah exactly he whips them like a jesus in a fish store greedy fish that were selling their their caviar eggs right oh man sorry i know people i know people are maybe turned off by he anoints the fish's feet with oil is that correct yeah sure gotcha so i think we are prepared to audit this topic properly. Yeah. Okay. I think we've demonstrated that we're qualified. I saw something unusual in pornography the other day, and I wanted to see what you guys thought of it. Yes. And also, I mean, I know I realized that I just came out as a guy who has seen pornography. And I know that's kind of a big step.

Right. Man, I thought I knew you, Jordan. I know. I know, Gene. A lot of shit's gone down the past couple of years. I've seen pornography. I fell down. You're caught up pretty much now.

But those two things were big for me. So the theme of you know what they say jordan a man's not a man till he's skint his knee um and so okay in this so the the female protagonist of this pornographic movie would you say the female was the protagonist yeah or was she more of the deuteragonist the dramatic foil for our male hero gene i don't want to get into a discussion discussion of greek theater well i do sir yeah the chorus represented all of the citizens of north hollywood uh so so so this pornography started out as very um very it's a very familiar scenario there's a new pool boy new pool boy is very attractive and uh the female protagonist of

the porn movie is standing there uh with uh with her daughter it's not not going to go there, guys. So her and the daughter... They're not going to ask him to clean the pool. Yeah, I know. Yeah, they're not going to scold him for not getting all the leads. So the daughter says, hey, the new pool boy is really attractive. And the mother character says...

Can you give me a ballpark on these two women's ages? 23 and 24. Great. Excellent. Or 19 and 20. Right. Yeah. And the mom says, stay away from him.

He's mine. And pushes the daughter in the pool in kind of a fun... Well, hold on. It's kind of a fun you know it's it's a fun light moment okay they're you know they're very self-aware that this is kind of a classic pornography scenario wow this is meta porn yeah it is i like yeah i like my porn post-modern yeah self-referential porn okay uh so and then the and then the uh the mom walks over to the pool boy and they kind of start the pre-sex ritual. And then there is a hard comedy cut to the pool where the daughter is floating face down.

And they hold on the daughter for a long time. And then it just goes back to the mom and the pool guy and she's giving him a blowjob. to the mom and the pool guy, and she's giving him a blowjob. But now in the world of this porn movie, this mom has just murdered her daughter and is having sex with the pool guy whilst her lifeless body floats in the pool. Wait, what type of pornography was this? Was this tattoo pornography? No, no, no. Then, yes, this was not a Burning Angel production.

This was a very standard... Are you sure you weren't just watching a snuff film? I might have been. I might have accidentally watched a snuff film. So I guess the questions that I have are, was this done for comedy, or is this a very specific subset of pornography where you want someone to kill someone else, preferably a family member, before you start the sex act.

See, my question is, was the pool clean? Did he clean the pool first, or was he about to clean the pool? Oh, God. Well, I mean, there's a body in it now, so, I mean, he's got to do it. He's got to go over and do it again. Does he got to clean it? Because that's weird. You have sex, and then you clean the – well, now I got to clean the pool.

Yeah. Because you just want to go home. Sure. Yeah. You just want to go to sleep. Or cuddle. You don't want to have to clean the pool. Sure.

I don't know. But yeah. Or is this, or are we now in a world where, you know, our pornography needs Family Guy or 30 Rock-esque cutaway jokes? Was there a whoosh sound as it cut away to the... Oh, I don't remember if there was a sound effect. Or did they do one of those swipes or wipes? Yeah, George Lucas.

Yeah, there's a mid-wipe. Star wipe? Oh, man, I wish. That would be great. Make it look like a home movie. So how far into the sexual activities were they when they cut away to the... They were about to become sexual.

Okay. So no... Was there nudity? No. No one was nude. So this was the part that you skipped. So now you can't have sex unless you've seen someone die first. Yeah.

I'm in a weird position now because, I mean, that was... It was basically... It changes the wiring in your brain. It was... Yeah. It was the pinnacle of my sexual life up until that point. That's just science. Yeah.

I mean, you cannot fuck with science. No, I don't want to. I don't want to. So, yeah, I mean, I guess... You don't want to fuck with science any more than you want to fuck a scientist. Yeah. You know what happened to the last guy who fucked with science? Yeah, he turned into the Incredible Hulk and had a great life.

We'll stay away. Yeah. Oh, man. Okay, so I'm trying to recreate the scenario in my mind. And bear in mind that I'm a virgin. Sure. Okay, so they're smooching and grabbing. Yeah, yeah.

Doing little karate chops. All this stuff that I presume people do. All accurate so far. Caressing her hair kind of softly. Buying her chocolates. He stopped. Gentle pokes. He stopped briefly to order her chocolates online, which we saw.

So I'm going to say, so I i'm gonna do some smooching sounds and then i'm gonna say cut cut away and i'm gonna snap to signify the passage of time and you tell me how long this cut was and you say cut back okay okay so okay cut away cut back dang on a dead body are we sure she wasn't just holding her breath she could have been she could have been trying she's like well my mom is clearly doing better with the pool pool guy let me impress him by how long i can hold my or maybe she was seeing if the pool is clean yeah she could be just double checking do you think yeah sometimes those sexy pool boys think they can like get away with doing kind of a half-half job because they're so sexy. They just clean the top half of the pool.

They don't clean the bottom half. It's like having a good-looking waitress. It's like she can feel like she can be kind of rude. Man, can she ever. Oh, boy. Bring it on. She'll keep telling me, fuck you, and throwing my food in my face. Get my drink order wrong.

Then when I say something, make me say, oh, I'll just drink this one. With your glares. Can I propose a scenario to you? You may. They didn't want it. They set up the screenwriters. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, the screenwriters.

Set up... Emilio Estevez. Again. The most famous screenwriter in Hollywood. I should explain. I'm a virgin, so I don't know what these people are called. You don't know what sex or Hollywood is.

The screenwriters, if that's what they're really called, started out writing this scenario. We'll have a mother and daughter and a poor boy. A classic set of characters. And then they got to a certain point, they realized they were writing an incest film.

But that wasn't their brief. Sure. Their brief was to write a classic pool boy sex film. So they said, we need the daughter not to participate. Right. She needs to be looking away. Sure. We'll have her checking the pool for soil.

And so she's got to be face down. Right. Is it possible that she was wearing a diving mask and a snorkel? Oh, could have been. Yeah. Could have been. Did you see a snorkel? I did not see a snorkel.

I saw a giant cock. That was later. Did you see who directed the movie? After you took your pants off. Yeah. Right. And glanced off. Yeah, right. And glanced down. Oh, man, there's my dick.

Sweet. Did you see who directed the movie? Was it by any chance Werner Herzog? Or David Lynch? Oh, it might have been one of those two guys. Because, you know, I guess you hear about famous directors all the time kind of moonlighting in commercials like wes anderson did a american express commercial i guess what's to prevent the verner herzogs and david lynch's of the world from just you know doing a little porno yeah because then you get to see what they get to see oh right yeah like if i

direct porno movies i'll get to watch a naked Then I don't have to pay for it later. You get to see people have sex to the point of chafing. Well, because, like, maybe the girl really did die, and if Herzog directed it, you know, knowing Herzog, who just likes to kind of film and just let the film run and not do too much direction, you know. Yeah, maybe she actually drowned, and he's like... It would sound like a directorial choice that he would know. Yeah, maybe he should actually drown. It would sound like a directorial choice that he would make. Okay, I think so.

Well, okay, if this was intended to be a joke, if this was intended to be funny, are you guys ready for a world where pornography needs jokes? No. But here's the thing, guys. Isn't the trick to a good porn is that you're still talking about it afterwards? Oh, yeah. That is.

If I leave that theater thinking and talking about it with my companion. Yeah, sure. The Pussycat Cinemas. That's how I know it's good. I mean, that's why I voted for the artist for Best Picture. Because you were talking about it. Yeah, because I was talking about it.

And this had a real old Hollywood feel. It's classic. My rule is, it gets my vote for Best Picture, and this is why I voted for the artist. The artist or... Oh, okay. This five-minute porno clip.

It gets my vote for best picture If I'm talking about it on the way out of the cinema And I come Three times And that's why I voted for the artist Did you see the movie all the way through The artist That dog

Was adorable First of all guys I didn't see the artist that dog was adorable wasn't that dog adorable wait all right first of all guys i didn't see the artist yet okay spoiler alert now i know there's a dog in the movie was adorable but you would know that if you looked at any magazine between now and uh the time the artist i and honestly i'm probably never gonna see that movie like it's one of those movies where people can keep telling me it's great, and I'll just be like, alright. Same thing with Schindler's List. I've never seen it.

I don't think I ever will. You know, the artist, I thought the artist, when I sat down to watch it, I thought it would be taxing. I thought it would be one of those movies that's maybe like, I prepared myself. I'm like, okay, this might be a two-sittinger for you. You might have to turn this off halfway halfway through like a movie you have to pretend you really like

uh but you know i actually didn't i actually turned it on and uh enjoyed myself okay it was it was pretty it's pretty light uh i would say i was hard within 90s yeah and you know while you're going through your refractory period there's an adorable dog to enjoy yeah some old hollywood glitz and glamour no uh no i did you know in in if i was to going back to the pornography yeah uh i would say that this we get back to the important stuff right exactly people don't tune into this ironic gentleman's discussion and not the serious the actual one yeah um had any new snuff gene tried the latest snuffs oh yeah i guess then i'm sorry i didn't mean for that to mean snuff film i know that's a joke that can get a little confusing i apologize yeah i just meant it to mean like a tobacco product for a

gentleman uh so in the so in reality what happened is i saw this and then thought maybe I would try to enjoy the rest of the pornography, but was so baffled I had to turn it off and do something else. Like my pornography watching session was over because this blew my mind. Okay, so we don't know what happened in the end. Yeah, we don't. I don't know. Did it have a funny name? This was just a clip Yeah, this is just on one of your many pornography streaming sites So it was just like

Breast and Dick You just clicked on it You just clicked on it because it was called Dead Chicken Yeah, exactly, and I'm like, oh man Can't wait to see where this is going Those porno titles are so literal, you know? There's got to be a little artistry in them Yeah I'm like, oh, man, can't wait to see where this is going. Right. Those porno titles are so literal, you know? Yeah.

There's got to be a little artistry in them. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. Yeah. A lot of your tattoo-type pornography will have a lot of jokes in it. Sure. I'll be like, just have sex. Sure.

You know what I mean? I don't really care. Like, I don't... It's not funny. Sure. And also... Louis Anderson is not involved, so this is not funny. Yeah, exactly. That's my rule. That's why I jack off to the feud.

Yeah. You have old VHS tapes of when Steve Harvey hosted, though. Yeah, I do. harvey harvey hosts now and louis anderson used to host oh okay yeah but i do also jack off to steve harvey sure he's great nothing gets me off like an extra couple buttons on a suit coat sure he still hosts the feud he doesn't have to just coast on his think like a man residual profits i think he probably gets extra money to host the feud now right yeah i think he's fucking banking on the feud because of his think like a man money do you know that that movie is about because there's a movie now based on his book right like a man and it's about guys reading the book it is that it's based on so wait in the world of that in the world of that movie the book

exists yeah and there'll be like like man this is great information so it's just so it's just hot hot african-american actors and actresses reading the book aloud to you yeah who are totally clueless about how to relate to each other and then uh yeah and i think there's even a chapter in the book where it's like see the movie think like a man um but that yeah that's just like i don't get infuriated about a lot of things but like i was just like that's the laziest adaptation i've i've ever heard it's just it's just about guys reading the book yeah so this is your so this is your coney 2012 yes okay you're doing some awareness raising right now. I am, yeah. You're going to be putting up posters to encourage people not to see Think Like a Man.

I mean, it's basically like the New Hunger Games. There's probably not much I can do to stop the runaway train that is Think Like a Man. No, sure. You have a lot of sway in the African-American community. I wouldn't underestimate you. And you guys have a lot of African-American listeners listeners So I felt like this was the perfect pulpit This is a good place to start Jordan I do have one important thing to say

About the issue of humor in pornography And I'm not sure whether this is humor or what You have to just figure that this is just somebody That was hired to direct a porno film And is just so sick of looking at pnv sure that he's just like i don't know let's have the girl die this is some jaded uh yeah he's he just he's just like some jaded workmen the journeymen of pornography yeah he's just like okay jade vajayjay why don't you just go face down in the pool?

And she's like, why? And he's like, I'll tell you later. And he just got a shot of that. And then editing it, he just turned it in right before it was due with a long shot of that. Yeah. So this is his Mr. Holland's office is what you're saying. Yeah, exactly. What if it's a director's trademark like John Woo and Dove?

Oh, yeah. This guy always cuts to an uncomfortable shot to a corpse yeah sure here's maybe that's a stock corpse maybe it's the wilhelm scream pornography that girl always dies in movies yeah here's the they can just cut to her dead in the pool whenever you need it this is the humor and pornography issue that has been upsetting me lately and this it has actually gotten to the point where it's upsetting me please no one in the world ever again tell me anything about a porno parody of anything ever because fuck it who fucking gives a shit it's not anything so stop saying something about it stop posting it on your blog stop tweeting about it stop treating it like it's a thing

stop complaining about it stop everything let's just stop line in the, from here on out, never another word shall be said about porno parodies of anything. You gotta admit. Jesse, the Cock Hunger Games is coming out. Titanic Cock was pretty clever. It was pretty good. Here are my two thoughts, R.E. that subject. I think now it's to the point where just because no one buys pornography, it's now in the realm of joke gift. Like that's the only reason it exists is to buy for the Star Trek fan.

Hey, got you the Star Trek porno. Like it's the same thing as fuzzy handcuffs or edible underwear. It's just kind of a gag you buy somebody. Wait. What do you mean? Edible mean edible underwear so have you been eating it as a meal i noticed you're looking you're you're looking uh malnourished have you been only eating edible i noticed you keep reaching into your pants and pulling out a piece of fruit roll-up i just thought you had fruit roll-ups. I don't just eat it straight.

I mean, I season it. Okay. You prepare it? Well, I mean, I season it. You wear it. You season it with your junk sweat? Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'm just saying I don't think you're getting all your nutrients from that. You're looking kind of peaked. Yeah. I hope you're eating various other things. Just find some. I know there's certain kinds of edible underwear. Whipped cream.

Don't just eat the lemon one. Get the other fruit flavors. Yeah, you need a balanced diet. Get some protein. Get the shrimp ones. It's an extra dollar, but it's all right. Yeah, it's great.

Try the surf and turf. Oh, but it's perfect. Yeah, it's great. Try this. Surf and turf. Oh, and here's my point number two, RE, porno parodies. I think it's so pervasive now. I think it has torpedoed the joke about the porno parody title. I feel like I still hear people make jokes like the new uh the new porno movie is out uh saving ryan's privates i'm like no now they're all just called this ain't saving private ryan an xxx parody right so i think that that naming convention is so in place and so pervasive that now you can't make those jokes about the porno parody of the title.

Anyway, that's not necessarily a funny observation. It's just one that I had. Here's the thing. Okay. I understand why people make these films and sell them. Sure. And I understand why people buy them. It's either because they're buying them as a joke gift or they need cover to buy pornography.

Oh, sure. It's one or the other. Yeah, I guess if someone finds the, you know, this ain't the Truman Show XXX parody in your house, you can just say, oh, that was a funny gift. Right. What if you just love Pirates of the Caribbean so much and consider... You're just a completist? You're a completist, yeah. You consider love pirates of the caribbean so much and consider you're just a completist you're a completist yeah you consider that part of the canon you're like how matt graining likes to collect bootleg simpsons memorabilia oh sure oh so you're saying maybe

jerry bruckheimer is the main audience for most of these so anyway i i'm fine with both of those i mean i don't think they're good i'm not supporting both of those. I mean, I don't think they're good. I'm not supporting either of those things, but I understand. And look, the porno industry is a shady world full of many worse things than people making pornographic parodies of scrubs. You know what I mean? For instance. Just for example. just for example however what i do object to is one of these things gets made and every pop culture blog on the internet writes like a review about it it's like ha we review we reviewed the porn

parody of 30 rock you know what it. I don't fucking care. How much is there to review? There's like, what, 5% non-sexual scenes? There's how much do the people look like the people from whatever the thing is parodying? And then there's how much are they actually trying to do an impression of or not trying to do an impression of and then how much of it is are they actually trying to do a joke or not actually trying to do a joke and then if they actually try and do a joke they say like oh they actually tried to do a joke it's but it's obviously it's obviously not a good joke the scale goes from not

trying to do a joke to trying to do a joke and so they'll be like yeah they really trying to do a joke to trying to do a joke. And so they'll be like, yeah, they really tried to do a joke. But I don't care. It's not cute. That's the thing. You just want to see the Avengers trailer from different countries. The Japanese version has a few extra seconds, and that's what's important. Yeah. You see a few frames more of Hulk.

And just put your energy towards something else, America. That's all I'm asking. Yeah. It's not unreasonable, right? All right, I'll stop. Jesus Christ. Sorry, Gene.

You could have told me this. I know you make a hundred bucks a pop for those porn parody recaps, but man, I had over 20 unique visitors last week. Hey. That's a lot of uniques. Yeah. And you know you need uniques. It's all about uniques.

If you want to move to New York. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill.

Oh, man. You know what time of year it is, Jordan? Hmm? A lot of people would say, well, it's Gene's birthday. Yeah. But it's so much more than that. I mean, does it need to be more than that? I think it's a little less than that. I mean it need to be more than that i think it's a little

less than that i don't mean i wouldn't want to take away this thunder from gene's birthday yeah some other event yeah put that thunder back honestly who gives a shit about gene's birthday oh yeah you're right fuck gene's birthday yeah right yeah at the end of the day fuck who is he but a guy who does porno parody recaps we've established we do not need any more of those on the other hand if I could get that kind of uniques I'd do any kind of recaps oh boy Jesus

Christ the uniques this guy is pulling in oh I have an idea community gif oh yeah there you go if I could make a fucking community gif but you can't Mr. Yao. Or what's his name?

Who? I don't know. Doctor. What's Dr. Ken's name on community? Oh. Professor Chang. Professor Chang. Yeah.

Mr. Yao. That's racist. I apologize. That's fine. I love Dr. Ken. He's great. Hilarious. Okay.

Look. On this same show, I've confused Michael Clark Duncan and Ving Rhames. So, yeah, I think we're both equally racist. Absolutely. But you were racist towards a cast member of community. So that makes you worse. So I upset the entire Internet. Yeah.

I was racist toward Baldwins earlier. That's true. I upset the entire internet. Yeah. I was racist toward Baldwins earlier. That's true. I confused Billy and Steven. What if Baldwins were planning a race war? I mean, they're technically a race. Technically. I mean, you can look it up. Yeah.

You can look it up. Who do you think would win between the Baldwins and the Sheens slash Estevez's? Oh, man. The Sheens slash Estevez's, they've got the fire burning. Yeah, but they have internal strife because they can't even agree on what their race is. Yeah, they're divided. Yeah. Do you think, in that fight, do you think Stephen Baldwin's newfound goofy Christianity would prevent him from fighting?

Or do you think he would consider it like a righteous fight? Yeah, I think he would have like a Constantine type kind of revelation and presence. Okay. Do you think that maybe, do you think it's possible that he could have some kind of powers? Oh, I don't know. Like beams? Yeah. Like he shoots beams?

Or healing? Yeah. Or frost magic? I was... Cast lightning? I had only gotten as far as him sort of holding out his hand in front of him and then fire coming out from his palm. Oh, like kind of a levitating ball of fire that maybe he could hurl.

I hadn't even gotten as far as him hurling it. I just imagined the ball of fire. And I thought either that's the source of his power or that's what he's channeling his power into. Yeah. Anyway, the point is it's coming from his fundamentalist Christianity. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

I mean, I think so. And I think that's why a lot of like secular voters are so afraid of the Christian right is because they can create fireballs. Yeah. Well, because their ignorance leads them to believe that they can create fireballs. And then they do. Yeah. Because of the secret.

Yeah. It's very complicated. Man, when is Rick Santorum going to bust out those fireballs? Yeah, man. He might have my vote. Like, all right, fuck the issues. Set up some cans on that fence And watch me take them out with some fireballs

Let me show you what a real Catholic can do Wine into blood is only the beginning Nothing into fire I was supposed to save this for the convention. Set up those Plan B pills on that fence. Watch me disintegrate them with my Christian fireballs. Put the Palestinian immigrants, sorry. I think the dark horse in this showbiz family war is probably the Copulas,

because their secret weapon is Nicolas Cage. They have Nicolas Cage. Yeah. Who I think if anyone can create some sort of energy sphere out of thin air is probably him i mean you'd have like a roman coppola would be and a sofia coppola they'd be oh those are liabilities those are fucking liabilities jason's contemplative yeah what about jason schwartzman is yeah schwartzman's in there right yeah and then and then what do you Jason Schwartzman count? Yeah. What about Jason Schwartzman? Yeah, Schwartzman's in there, right? Yeah, and then what's... Do you think Schwartzman's mom is allowed to bring

Stallone into the picture? Oh, wow. Okay, well, I mean, that's a... If you say the words, bring Stallone into the picture, I think he shows up. A movie? Yeah. Yeah, I'll be in it. I love those. I'm already dressed for it.

You mean you're in a tank top, Mr. Stallone? Yeah, my movie outfit. I'm oiled up, too. Can we get to the pledge drive here? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, look. This is the final week of the maximum fun drive this is how we support all the bullshit that you've just heard yeah this isn't a good example of what you should give money

to we have more we have more sincere uh we have more sincere heartfelt uh high quality high brow high-quality, high-brow type stuff going on at this outfit. Not just Hollywood race wars. To be fair, we did... And pornographical symposiums. And recap of a porn clip I saw. To be fair, I think we did some great political satire

with that Santorum stuff. Yeah, I mean, we... And that's as good as anything you're going to see on Saturday Night Live. I stand by that. Yeah. Well, at least when it comes to political satire. We're a regular... We're also... I think it's fair to call us podcastings Mark Russell.

Wouldn't you say? Hell. I mean, there's more than one of us, so we're kind of the capital step. Well, I think Mark Russell has a podcast now. He calls himself podcasting Mark Russell. I'm the Mark Russell of podcasts. Me. I wrote a song about it to the tune of Camp Town Lady.

Okay, here's the deal. Everything at MaximumFun.org is supported by you, people out there. And this Maximum Fun Drive is going absolutely we had more than 100 donors pool their money. And so for every new donor, we get more than seven bucks. That is their challenge to you out there who have not stepped up to the plate. They said, look, not only are we already supporting maximum fund, but we are going to kick in a penny, a nickel, a dime, a quarter for every person that supports MaxFun during the MaxFun drive. And so for every person that supports Max, every new donor, we get seven bucks. It is a big deal that these folks have stepped up to the plate and challenged you because they're basically saying, hey, I support this thing. I like it.

I support it. You can, too. Gene, wipe that smirk off your face. Sorry. Oh, man. Sorry. I was thinking of something funny that happened earlier. Can I say a word about the pledge drive?

Yeah. From the perspective of someone who's a member of the MaxFun family, but it's not my main source of income. It's not Maximum Fun. But I do make a little bit from this, and I'm really, really grateful because I was realizing – I was thinking back on all the projects I've had to quit in my life in showbiz. I've had to quit in my life in showbiz. And entertainment, I think now, more than ever, you do a lot of stuff for free. You just do. Or kind of a piddling amount of money that gets you your gas to the place where they're making the thing. So yeah, I've just been, you know, I've been a part of a lot of terrific internet videos and improv shows and sketch shows that I've had to quit just because I've had to do something that would get me paid. And yeah, just the reason that we've been able to make 200-plus episodes of this is that there's a little bit of money in it for the people who are making it, and that's great.

And that's absolutely the reason that I didn't have to quit this when work got too crazy. So yeah, and on behalf of myself and Dave and Graham and Aaron and Brian and everybody who does do other stuff, we're so happy that we can keep going because it's not a financial burden to keep going. Yeah, I mean, for me, this is about more than just paying for the microphones and making sure that everybody has microphones or making sure that nobody's losing their money on their hobby. All of these folks that make these shows at MaximumFun.org are professionals.

You know, these are people who do amazing work and deserve to get paid for their work. And I personally, you know, as the owner of MaximumFun.org, am very, very proud that we, and when I say we, I mean not just me and the other folks who work at Maximum Fund, but me and you, the folks who support Maximum Fund, are able to pay them for the work that they do. And that's a really huge deal. And it's also a huge deal because we are paying them for the work that is the work that they really passionately believe in and that you really passionately believe in not the work that is most amenable to advertising or the work that you know is going to be the easiest to sell as a sponsorship to slim gyms um which you know as jordan you're

as someone who's worked for a long time for the slim jim corporation yes as someone who someone who was randy macho man savage's personal valet no but i mean you know both you and i have worked in commercial television and we know what it's like to make content where the first priority is even good content you know we've both done work that we're proud of and But it is a very different thing to make work where the first priority is to make something that's going to make a sponsor happy rather than make something that's going to make the audience happy. Yep, absolutely. Yeah, no, I've been a part of tons of things where asking is this good or will people like this is so far down the list that, you know, it just makes you want to scream and leave. So, yeah, it's really nice to be able to do something where we're just worried about what you, the audience, likes. And from our focus grouping, I think that's me describing pornography I've seen.

I think our research has shown that. Most of our budget goes into focus grouping. We couldn't afford a real sort of focus group psychiatrist, doctor. So we just hired that lady that played the focus group doctor on that one season of Mad Men. She's out of work right now. So she was relatively affordable. We hired her and we just got a few

people down at the mall and played a couple jordan jesse go clips and by played some clips we couldn't afford the cds or the cd player or anything so we just had jordan go down there with my phone i just held up my phone and i streamed them and then he ran as he just talked he held up his phone as though the sound was coming out of the phone he cut put his hand in front of his imagine that's me um and then he Which was confusing to them. And they picked pornography as the subject that they most enjoyed hearing him talk about. They were bums that we got at the porno theater.

We should explain that's who the focus group was. But, you know, it works. And you're out there going to MaximumFun.org slash donate and supporting the show. So a tip of the hat to you. Sure. In this scenario, you, the listener, are Slim Jim. You are Toyota.

You are the person making the shitty internet content. No, it's true. Because you are the only person we have to please, we can make the show that we hope you like. So thank you for making it so we don't have to, you know, grovel at the feet of someone who would make dumb decisions. You know, I was just... Let's say Hyundai. I was just engaged in a conversation on a message board group for podcasters.

on a message board group for podcasters. And there was a big discussion about why there's not more money going into comedy podcasts, given the audience. The answer was because brands are uncomfortable associating their brand with comedy because comedy podcasters are real wild cards that could say anything at any time. And could ruin their brands by saying something. Now, as you all know, Jordan and I would never talk about something that would reflect negatively on a brand.

We'd never talk about a dead chicken, a porno film. The reality is that... We would never have Gene on the show. Oh no, we did. Look, you know, we make the show that is in our hearts, and you're listening because you like it, and we hope that you'll support it. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate.

It's super easy to do. And there's prizes. And there's prizes. We'll talk about the prizes later on in the show, but the important thing is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and do it. Don't think about doing it or plan to do it or say, I probably ought to do that. But just actually do do it. And it's just a couple bucks a month. It comes out automatically. You won't ever have to worry about it again. have to worry about it again, other than to be, when you listen to the show, be like, man, this is something that I'm part of, and I'm supporting it, and I'm helping make it happen. You'll feel great about it. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, to have me. Well, it's because it's your birthday. You joined it. Like, that is very nice of you, Gene. To have my birthday today?

Oh, man. I hope you didn't think that this was the setup for your surprise party. Man, I did. Oh, sorry. I mean surprise. Welcome to this lame surprise party. Jordan, you're here. Gene, all your friends are here.

And Jesse. Oh. Gene, all your friends are here. And Jesse. The other friend is that stack of umbrellas. No, but Gene, just sincerely, it was very nice of you to share your birthday with us. And it was very nice of me to remember that it was your birthday. Yes. Which I did, mostly. You did. birthday with us yeah and it was very nice of me to remember that it was your birthday yes which i did mostly you did i sent you an email that said i think this is your birthday you said i think it's someone's birthday it's definitely someone's birthday that i know you just start off every email like that that's true i will i try and put that in in my emails well only when i'm making

appointments yeah just to cover your bases yeah well i don't want to set up an appointment with somebody on their birthday and i don't know it's their birthday i forget to bring a cake yeah by the way i forgot to bring a cake remember when you tried to make an appointment with that guy on death row it's like that's my execution day yeah yeah yeah that was embarrassing anyway well i want to ask you, Gene, because I feel like every time that you're on the show, there is a new Gene's dad tale. It all started with the story of the time that your dad convinced you as a seven-year-old that a printer was a machine that you connect to a computer that prints out whatever you type into the computer.

Like not just prints out the text, but prints out the actual object. It was basically like, what is it, the replicator on Star Trek. If you type in a toy, it makes that toy. You were mainly concerned with how that could be used for toy acquisition right and then went so far as to take you to the computer store yeah he told me about it the night before and then i went to school and was like like a little shit telling people like yeah i guess what i'm getting later like you could be begging to be my friend when i get this thing yeah making lists of toys i'm gonna make and then my dad took me to the computer store and like

asked for the thing and the guy was just like what the fuck are you talking about there's no such thing as that thing that is so much sadder you have to cop to that the next day at school yeah no i did i totally like ate shit on it the next day like yeah so all those toys you were gonna make it is so much sadder than that story that i told that one time of the time that my dad bought me the scooter i'd always wanted and then assembled half of it and then never assembled the rest of it anyway i was wondering if he ever like i want to know what your childhood birthdays were like yeah i have uh two salient childhood birthday memories that my dad is featured prominently in uh i think it was when did teenage mutant ninja turtles 2 come out

fourth grade anyway we made a that was like my birthday was taking a bunch of kids to see ninja turtles 2 i i know them now as Ninja Turtles. Right. Right. Yeah. I think Michael Bay has taught us that all those other words in the title are superfluous. Yeah. And I only remember this because in my car ride, which my dad and mom are driving one

car, one of the kids in the car said, ass, which is like, we're a Catholic school. You didn't really say swear words around parents. And another kid in the car is like, hey, Roopki, don't cuss. And it was this kid, Michael Roopki, who said ass. Ah, fucking Roopki. The Roopki is a great last name for the kid who's kind of a little hellraiser. So it had to be like a month later, my dad and I were watching... Give me that slingshot, Roopki.

A month later, my dad and I were watching, I that slingshot, Rupke! Month later, my dad and I were watching, I think, basketball or baseball something, and our team won and I was like, yeah, we killed those guys, and my dad's like, yeah, we kicked their ass and my mom goes, Gene! Say that! And he goes, oh, but it was okay when Rupke said it.

I was like, Rupke also always gets a free pass. That was like a month ago when i was a little kid so your dad had just been fuming about that ever yeah he's just like oh so that word is fair game now because rupke said it even pronounced his name right in my in my uh dealing with your family it seems to me like maybe your parents would be permissive about you know casual butt and fart type swearing my parents only recently got like okay with swearing okay like my mom said fuck like a few months ago and it was like whoa mom is that like okay but yeah like i still can't i still to this day could not name you a time where my mom has sworn yeah Yeah. I still don't do it, just because, like, my younger siblings do it, because I guess it

got normalized, but yeah. Yeah. Growing up, I couldn't say any swear words in my house. Do you think, Jordan, do you think that your mom swears not around you? Well, I've, good question. Good question. I wonder what my mom... What about when she's just hanging out with her internet fiance?

Oh, when her and Brad are hanging out? Oh, yeah. They probably just crack some brewskis and just see how many racial slurs they can think of. You should call pretending to be someone else. Hello. Hello, mom. Mom. Stranger.

What's a swear word you like? Perhaps you remember something that a vagina could be called that's not clinical. I don't think you'd see through that ruse at all. Yeah, I wonder. Good question. I don't think so. If I were to guess, I would guess no. My mom is not a casual swearer.

She did not like bridesmaids. She was very put off by how raunchy bridesmaids was. It was somewhat raunchy. It was pretty raunchy. I pushed Bridesmaids hard on my mom, and she was sure to call me after she saw it to tell me that she did not think that was appropriate. Oh. So I would guess that if my mom has a problem with the kind of, you know, soft R antics of Bridesmaids, she probably doesn't do a lot of casual swearing. I would say that Bridesmaids was a hard-R.

Let me just say that bridesmaids... There is a scene where they're shitting on the street in public. That's true. I guess maybe when I think hard-R, I think like, oh, would you... I guess I think, would you... After they shit in the street, would they be murdered? And then human centipeded.

To you, a hard-R is if they're about to fuck and the daughter is dead face down in a pool. Yeah, I was at a website for R-rated clips. I was looking for some sweet R-rated material. I think your mom was in the theater when I saw Bridesmaids because I remember it was just full of women. I think I was one of the few guys in there. I went to see Bridesmaids alone when I was getting my car fixed. So I just walked to the movie theater.

And I was in there with a literal bachelorette party. They all had crowns on. Because the scene where Kristen Vig and the guy kind of fall into bed. Not John Hamm. You gave that the traditional German pronunciation. Is it Vig? i don't know i

don't think i've heard her name pronounced i like your guest i like your commitment to the she's from the black forest so right yeah but the scene where there every joke seemed to be okay but then like everyone's laughing at everything and then there's a scene where she falls into bed with the uh who's the guy that's not John Hamm? The guy that's not John Hamm. IT crowd guy. Yeah. Yeah.

And they fall into bed, and, like, there was, like, this whole section of women behind me who all, like, shrieked in horror, like, oh my god, they fell into bed.

Like, they're not even married. Like, like everything, like the shitting in the street. Like the idea of premarital sex is okay with John Hamm. Yeah.

But, oh, that's the only man that premarital sex is okay with. It opens with a sex scene. But then they fall into bed and then they cut away. You don't see. It's way less sexualized than any scene with Jon Hamm. But that was the scene that shocked them all. Do you think that it was because they were such big IT crowd fans and they couldn't bear the idea of their favorite sitcom star existing in a sexual world?

Sort of like watching someone fuck Coach from Cheers. I was going to say, it's like seeing Leah Thompson from Carol in the City go to town on Coach from Cheers. Or Dober from Coach. Just jacking it and pointing at the camera actually i guess i can see that happening i murdered her just to get hard sorry coach that's jerry i remember one time when i was uh driving i i remember one time when i was driving and tony mccauley was in the back seat of the car and uh maybe we were in t Macaulay's car or Tony Macaulay's parents' car. And I said something was hella cool. And he was shocked. I think we were like nine or ten.

And he was shocked. It seems to me like hella is cleaned up language. It is what you say instead of saying a hella. You know, so it's like, you know, fudge instead of fuck. It seems to me like that would be acceptable. I did not, I, at the time I sincerely did not, I don't think I knew that hell was a swear word.

Yeah. Your family is, you know, they're you have an unusually salty family. I do. My mom's parents have no morals. My mom's philosophy was she would always say so nothing he can't hear on the street that's what she would say hell was on the black list in my house yeah i couldn't say hell only black people could say yeah only your black brother

why do we have him again it's black irish oh sure Yeah Yeah no I am Like I to this day am always worried that I'll Get together with my family And swear just because I think it'll really Just ruin the evening And yeah I definitely still Still am nervous to have a drink Around my mom that always makes me nervous

I always forget that public radio people Don't swear And so I'll swear around them and everyone will like laugh like i'm doing a joke and i'll be like oh right you people don't swear it's like oh geez like ever even off the yeah they don't swear like i mean i'm sure that look, look, I'm sure the staff of This American Life swears. You know what I mean? I'm not talking about them. But I'm talking about the people that work at Public Radio International.

So you're saying when Public Radio goes on a field trip, the cast of This American Life is in the back smoking on the bus? Yeah. Yes. Okay. And so, but yeah, like, if I'm talking to people at a public radio conference or something like that, and I say, and these fuckers were off doing blah, blah, blah. And then everyone goes, oh. And I'm like, oh, right. You guys aren't normal human beings.

Yeah. That always surprised. Okay. So what's birthday story number two? Oh, birthday story two. Are you just going to describe the plot of Ninja Turtles 2? Yeah. Wake me up when you get to the vanilla ice part.

That's the only part I want to hear about. I think it was first grade. It was probably like the first birthday party I had friends over at. And it was also the site of the first O'Neill Olympics. and it was also the site of the first O'Neill Olympics, which my dad basically invented as a diversion for... I thought it was to give us something to do, but, like, you know, growing up, I learned my dad loves to emcee things.

Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say as a diversion for his cheating. You guys have these Olympic competitions while I go to this motel. And work on the scoring. I'll be tallying the points at this seedy motel. How do you do one?

Well, my secretary helps me figure that out. I gotta go over to the sleep-in safe to get some chalk for the parallel bars. The condoms are prizes for you guys. That I have. And never give to you. Yeah, so in the O'Neill Olympics were things like who could do the longest hop, skip, and a jump. Throw a ping pong ball into a bucket at increasing distances, shoot a free throw.

And then you would have prizes like toys that whoever won, you know, someone would win. And so for the first round, we did something, I don't know, hop skip and a jump. and I'll hop, skip, and a jump. And I think my brother actually won it. And he goes, now, Sean, you can have the Hot Wheels car or the mystery envelope. And he's like, all right, I'll take the mystery envelope. And inside was $5, which to a first grader, and this is 1986 dollars.

Sure. So to a first grader, that's like a million dollars. Right. That's like rent, right? Yeah. And you can live for a year. You can go to see Rent. $5, yeah. The play. It was a Broadway musical at that's like rent right yeah you can live for a year you can go to see rents the play the broadway it was a broadway musical at that point yeah movie had not been made yeah so everyone just went nuts like after this like oh my god five shots someone won five

dollars and so every competition after that he would it would be like a nin you know a gi joe or a mystery everyone just without, is taking the mystery envelope. But after that, the mystery envelope was like coupon to a shampoo cleaning service. One of them was a dead battery. Another of my favorite was an autographed photo of my dad. Stay beautiful, Gene's dad. Gene Sr. stay beautiful gene senior like everyone's just getting pissed because everyone's passing on actual toys prizes yeah thinking that there's another five in there but there never was

man devious and then all most of those ended up being my presents like he later wrapped them wow you put you put your presents on the line he was essentially gambling away my presents but he i guess he correctly predicted a five dollar yeah mystery prize would keep everybody off of them did he repeat the o'neill olympics no yeah like uh basically the first five or six birthdays that everyone in my family had because it would just be kids in the backyard and yeah he would do. So that's like 20 years. Like 20 years of yeah. But the whole

mystery envelope thing only worked once per. Because he ran out of 8x10s. And after that he just started getting cheaper like $1 toys. And what's nice about your dad is your dad had been an actor as we know. He was in the hit films Chud and The Stuff.

Which are now basically right next to each other on Netflix. Yeah. He was also in an episode of Kojak. So he had actual 8x10s. Oh, yeah, he did. He gave away like 8x10s that were like 10 years old. Despite their collector's value. Oh, man.

Do you think your dad, having been in Chud and the stuff, could go to like a Comic-Con and sit in that autograph area and charge 10 bucks for an autograph? I mean, his roles in those movies, I think that would be kind of straining. Like, those would be some pretty serious. I don't know. I feel like I was at one of those and I I saw, like, there was a guy who was... You were the scientist that warned everybody. Yeah, but I feel like I went and saw the guy from Star Wars who said,

these aren't the droids we're looking for, like, had a line around the block. I mean, I know that's like an iconic line. And Chud is a comparable franchise. The Star Wars. They just re-released the first Chud in 3D. Well, Chud is the Star Wars of cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers films. Yeah.

It's true. Episode 4. Uh-huh. I don't know. I mean, what if he went to ChudCon? Is there a ChudCon? I'd like there to be one. Yeah.

Maybe my dad will start it. If my dad hears this podcast, he's going to ChudCon. What if he went to StuffCon, but it turned out that StuffCon is just a convention dedicated to the file compression software StuffIt? He'll still sign autographs. Yep, I was in the movie of this. It was a very bad movie.

The software was based on the movie. Yeah. I like, though, that the O'Neill Olympics didn't have any cruelty. I was anticipating more cruelty in the O'Neill Olympics. Why is that? Well, I know that one of my two best friends growing up, Peter Fraunfelder, his family, the Fraunfelders, Peter Fraunfelder, his family, the Fraunfelders, they had a mud bowl football game on the first rainy. I was either like the first rainy day after Thanksgiving or the day after Thanksgiving or something like that every year.

I don't remember. And I would always get invited because I me and P were best friends. And here's the thing like Pete was a year younger than me but he was about as big as me he's a big guy and maybe I'm I wasn't am a little bit taller than him but he's big and ended up playing football in high school and um and he had brothers and all of his brothers were, at the time, were grown and big. And his dad was obviously grown. And they all did steroids. It would be a tackle football game, like a full-on tackle football game.

And just on the mud field of some beat-up athletic field. field of some beat up you know athletic field and it was basically i mean the thing of it is that i think that if you were if you grew up doing this all the time you would know some kind of way to make this not a brutal trial relatively speaking like you might be able to tone down the extent to which this was just torturing children but for me just kind of dropped into this from a world of going to the art house movie theater with your parents like it was literally just adults beating me up like that's what this was so they just and then you while as you were getting tackled you yelled wouldn't you prefer a nice Bergman retrospective. I'm sure... These are all good people.

And also, they weren't brutes either. All these people had advanced degrees and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They would put a jacket over the mud before you ran. We're trying to fuck him, Gene. Jesus Christ.

I don't want to paint this as some kind of class conflict or something like that It's just a matter of this was part of their family culture and not part of mine Well you did show up in a top hat and with a monocle And you just closed down their factory

I only needed vision correction Stole the deed to their farm You got that twirly mustache I only needed vision correction in one eye. Stole the deed to their farm. You got that twirly mustache real early, too. Yeah. You were 11 when that thing came in? Well, like, I'm sure they were going easy on me and Peter, too, you know, because we were like 9 or 10 or whatever. But it literally was tackle football with 10-year-olds playing against 23-year-olds.

Did they horse collar you? They did any kind of thing. They tackled us. Man. They tackled us. Like they fell on you? Yes. Jeez.

I know. Yeah, I played tackle football with people my size in high school, and it was awful. It's horrible. Yeah, when you don't have the build for it. One time for my birthday, my dad hit me in the solar plexus. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Big time Gene O'Neill. The time has come, Jordan. To say the things that you get if you donate in the Max Fund Drive. This is our last pledge. Is that what time it is? Was I right about that? Yes.

Oh, great. This is our last pledge break of the entire pledge drive it's back to business as usual this is it this is your shot yeah okay let's talk about these fucking pledge levels yeah right now granted you're not listening to this live so there's a little less urgency than maybe is in our voice but it's still there it doesn't mean you shouldn't act now you gotta act now you should act now do it now maximumfund. It doesn't mean you shouldn't act now. You gotta act now. You should act now. Do it now. Maximumfund.org slash donate. Okay, let's talk about these levels

because here's the thing. Yeah. A lot of people are out there, they're thinking, look, I'm not a millionaire. You know? I'm not Warren Buffett's. You know what I mean?

I'm not Bill's Gates. You know what I'm talking about? Sure. You're neither of those guys I don't play Segway Polo Yeah Yeah The sport of

The sport of the rich But if you are those guys You should do it Yeah Yeah you should Give me a call If you're one of those three guys Yeah please call

And everyone else can fuck off Yeah You're not James Cameron Who does all his jacking off In a submarine That would That would have been a great James Cameron Just who does all his jacking off in a submarine. That would have been a great... James Cameron just went to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean. Sure, some sort of trench.

A great headline would have been, Cameron comes at bottom of the sea. And the picture is just him holding up his hand, and it's kind of sticky. And then the sub-headline is, quote, I came, I came, I come. Take that, Marianas Trench. I came, I came, I'm at the bottom of a trench. That's real catchy, Cameron. You want to talk about this?

And then he said, I'm not a very good writer. Here's the thing. He is a bad writer. Yeah, all that happened in Sphere. Just put that off. Yeah, come on, Cameron. So here's the thing.

If you like this show, you can support us. We have a blanket exemption for the unemployed. If you're unemployed, wait until you get a job. We don't want Uncle Sam's money coming into this operation, unless you exemption for the unemployed. If you're unemployed, wait until you get a job. We don't want Uncle Sam's money coming into this operation, unless you work for the government, like, legitimately. Yeah.

Maybe you're, I don't know, a census taker. Yeah, if you are literally out of work, you're exempt. If you have a job, you're not exempt from the guilt. But you can send in cans, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, please do send in cans. We are conducting a food drive. Or pelts. If you're a tra cans, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, please do send in cans. We are conducting a food drive. Or pelts.

If you're a trapper. You know what? In the Pacific Northwest. Cruft Box from the forums the other day, he heard me wishing that I could get meat delivered to my door because I can never leave the house anymore because I have a baby. And he totally brought me some bratwursts that he made. Hey, that's nice.

And they're really good, too. So, hey, tip of the hat to Cruft Box. Sure. Man's making his own bratwursts. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, anyway. Let's talk about this because here's the reality. If you have a job, you can afford one of these levels.

Sure. And at every level, there is amazing stuff to be got. At $5 a month, which is like a beer a month. Yeah, there's a beer. You drink too much anyways. Yeah. You fucking drunk. Yeah.

So at $5, just put one of those beers a month that you're shoving down your face so you can forget your stupid problem. The reason that we're doing this is it is an intervention. You are getting too many carbs. Yeah. And we want to remove one of those beers a month because we think

that's a great way to put you on a path to a healthier lifestyle and more fulfilled. Buy 18 packs instead of 12 packs. Yeah, Ricky Henderson style. Those are called Ricky packs.

Yeah, right? I was trying to think of some way to encourage them to start sucking their own dicks, too. Well, no one has to be encouraged to do that. Yeah, right? At $5 a month, you get some special content that we made just for the pledge drive. And by we, I mean the whole Maximum Fun organization. We made a special episode. Throw organization. We made a special episode. Throwing Shade made a special episode.

Stop Podcasting Yourself, my brother, my brother, and me all made a special episode. Judge John Hodgman also. Judge John Hodgman. Yep. That only donors get to listen to, and I listened to ours while we were making it.

Yep. It's fucking terrific. Yep. Chris Fairbanks dispenses life advice on some pretty serious issues. Yep. It's terrific uh and i've been seeing on the forums that other people uh think the uh think the other bonus episodes are some of the uh some of the best as well i've been hearing some wonderful things about a guest appearance by uh the mcelroy brothers dad on their bonus episode the oft-mentioned daddy yes uh i. I have heard this is a treasure trove of content.

You also get the short rift films that we have made. Graham and Dave and you and I, Jordan, and also the McElroy brothers have all made short rift tracks style comedy films that you can watch and enjoy online. Five bucks a month gets you a ton of cool stuff that only donors can listen to. Ten bucks a month, you get all that stuff plus the Max Fun Friendship Bracelet. Now, this bracelet is not just a bracelet. No.

This is a cock ring. This is a pass into a world of friendship. Still a cock ring. Still applies. friendship. Still cock ring. Still applies. This is... So far, I have heard personally from the McElroy brothers

who have promised to hug anyone wearing this bracelet. I have matched that, and Jordan has matched it and raised it. He has offered to participate in a pelvic hug with anyone wearing this bracelet. Yeah, you will really get a sense

of what my genitals are shaped like if you pledge ten dollars a month have you been to a marine mammal have you been to a marine sanctuary have you seen a hammerhead shark think that but a dick it has gills and everything. And all of these are cumulative. It is bifurcated. All of these things are cumulative. That's $10 a month. That is one trip through fast food a month, which, by the way, we think you're getting too much fast food, too. Yeah, and it's super easy to sign up. It comes out without you even noticing. It'll be a blast, a breeze, and you'll feel proud every time you listen to a MaxFun show.

Yeah. $20 a month, you breeze, and you'll feel proud every time you listen to a MaxFun show. Yeah. $20 a month, you join the Diamond Friendship Circle, all the stuff we've mentioned, plus the stainless steel MaxFun water bottle with the Rocket logo, the friendship bracelet, and all that good bonus content. So this is one of those BPA-free bottles that won't give you mouth cancer. We don't want you to die of mouth cancer like the great Yankee slugger Babe Ruth did. Yeah. Other podcasts are giving you mouth cancer bottles.

Yeah, absolutely. When you pledge to them. Other podcasts are giving you mouth cancer right now. Look. Just by listening to them. You don't even have to donate. I'm not going to name names because I don't have to. Grammar girl.

Yeah. She's giving you mouth't have to. Grammar girl. Yeah. She's giving your mouth cancer right now. Everybody knows it. $35 a month. You join Judge John Hodgman's post-apocalyptic justice squad. You get all the stuff I mentioned before, plus the highly collectible, completely proprietary friendship emergency kit, which includes includes jesse what does it include

okay number one you get kashi good friends cereal sure this is the official cereal of friendship we know it's gross but we thought it was funny we are aware that the cereal is gross um you get a friendship necklace you know best a best friend's necklace? The kind where there's two halves and you and your best friend each take half of it. You get maximum fun playing cards for playing cards with your best friend. Terrific.

You get Mad Libs for playing Mad Libs with your best friend. Or, if you are like the McElroy brothers, you can play Sad Libs. You can try and create the saddest Libs that you possibly can with your best friend. There is a whole raft of cool stuff that you get in the friendship kit. It is all listed online at MaximumFun.org.

This kit is absolutely amazing. We put together a group of stuff that will astonish and delight you. So I insist that you go to MaximumFun.org and check it out. It is a... It will blow your mind. This is... This is...

How about this? Fucking artisanal coffee from Tonks. What? Yeah. This is... My wife is a coffee... is insane about coffee. She's completely off the charts about coffee. She's obsessed about it. She used to work in the coffee field.

She is like... She's institutionalized right now. Yeah, she is. I've had her committed because of coffee-related issues, and Tonks is the only thing she'll touch. These guys do a monthly coffee subscription where they get special coffees from all around the world.

They roast them themselves in their roasting facility. And they have agreed to provide a bag of their Tonks coffee to everyone out there who signs up at the Judge John Hodgman's

post-apocalyptic trust-to-squad level. Oh, and how about this? Bubblegum cigars. Terrific. $50 a month you join the Thorn Family Blondie Brigade. You get all that stuff, plus Jesse and Teresa will bake a batch of their

signature blondies, which is like a brownie made with butterscotch, and FedEx them to your door. Yep, we will do it. $50 a month. I will literally bake them myself in my own home kitchen. I do this, we make dozens a year and FedEx them out ourselves. Wait, Jesse, are these the ones you make in the Dutch oven you've been mentioning?

If they are, I don't think people want them. $100 a month. $100 a month. That's one $100 bill a month. Yeah. You get to be a part of Jesse's Golden Eagles. You get all the stuff we mentioned before, plus an invitation to the

Max Fun Dinner. It's a special dinner of big shots the night before Max Fun Con in Los Angeles. Invitation only, so if you want to be invited to that cool gathering of folks, $100 a month. Maximumfun.org slash donate.

This is a special thing that includes, I mean, this is, many of the VIPs from MaxFunCon come to this event and it's a special

intimate dinner. All the staff of Maximumfund.org is there. Your favorite podcasters will be there. We all get together. Jordan, of course,

will be there. I'll be there. You know, we all hang out together and have dinner the night before. Oh, I'm doing something that night.

Oh, what are you doing? Just something. Don't fucking grill me on this. Don't give me the, fine, I'll be there. We all hang out together and have dinner the night before. Oh, I'm doing something that night. Oh, what are you doing? It's just something. Don't fucking grill me on this. Don't give me the... Fine, I'll go. I'll go. You badgered me into going. Thank you.

I'm going to have such a bad attitude, though. Oh, my attitude's going to be so bad. Can I have your $100 for this month? Yeah. There you go. Thank you. $200 a month you join Jordan's Platinum Angels. You get all of that stuff, plus you are registered for free for next year's MaxFunCon.

We can get you in in June, or if you like, we can get you in next year. A lot of people have been asking me, I don't live anywhere near Los Angeles. I live on the East Coast. I wish there was a MaxFunCon closer to where I live. I live on the East Coast. I wish there was a MaxFunCon closer to where I live. Well, give $200 a month, and we'll see what we can do. Yeah, I like that.

The friendship bracelet is a cock rig. Here's the real thing. No matter what level you choose to donate at, what we really appreciate is your support. And at this point, as we record this is now taking up more than half of my house, the staff of which there are now, gosh, we now have, including myself, four full-time employees, all of our equipment, all of our podcasters. To be fair, they are all illegals. That's true. Are you counting your personal chef, too?

Oh, that's five. Okay, that's a good point. And the woman who shaves my bunions. What about the dog masseuse? I feel like every time I come over, that guy's here massaging those dogs. Is he full-time? Well, he works more than full-time hours but it's on a contract basis so he's technically a contractor even though I am paying

him for 60 he's on retainer okay and he has a retainer and your dogs always and your dogs always want happy endings expensive you gotta finger those female dogs maximum fun time man those female dogs are so hard to get off

They gotta be in the right mood They can't feel bloated The lights can't be too bright They want Purina I can't yell quotes from Predator while I'm doing it Oh man and don't accidentally mention One of your ex-dogs Slash

Donate Get to the chopper cinnamon is the website to go to maximumfund.org donate the look we i want to thank everyone who's already given and i thank all of you who are about to do it. I mean, the thing is, is, you know, our business model is that we make all of these shows with the assumption that if we make a show that's good and people like it, that people will support it. It's sort of the apotheosis of, you know, we're all of the age where we grew up, you know, in the kind of Napster hitting hitting the everyone's computers right around the time when everyone got to college and got broadband. And everyone was talking about how they would support things as long as they could have free access to all the media in the world.

Well, here's your test case. We give away everything that we do and we ask you to voluntarily support us. And it's not a bunch of money. It's just a little bit of money. You can totally afford it. But the question is, do you actually do it? So just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and take care of business. Stick around.

That's also from Predator. Oh, geez. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. Oh, jeez. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jeez, sorry.

Big time Gene O'Neill. Way to put your headphones on backwards, Gene. Man, the left is on the right and the right's on the left. And now I think you're Jordan and I think he's Jesse. Gene, I almost... You look pretty cool, though. It's a good the right, and the right's on the left, and now I think you're Jordan, and I think he's Jesse. Gene, I almost... You look pretty cool, though. It's a good look for you with the backwards headphones. I almost forgot. In fact, I did forget to mention at the beginning of the show, and I almost forgot to mention in this show how much I've been enjoying your new podcast with our friends Brian Heater and back-in-business Brian Lane, Gene's Jobs. That's right. Just started our own podcast. One problem is, though, is that it airs at the same time as Jordan Jesse Go. Oh.

Yeah. So people... Any time after it's posted. Yeah. So people have to stop. So stop listening to this podcast. Right. You know, Gene, I think you're kind of missing the point of being a podcast guest. You're not supposed to try and sway people away from the show you're on.

No, yeah. Everyone that's listening, I get your listeners now. Yeah. Why do we invite him? He always tells people that his show is better. Yeah. I mean, Gene, I don't think you understand. I mean, you're supposed to appreciate the opportunity that we gave you by inviting you on our program.

All right. So just don't everybody leave this podcast at once like a couple people hang out no while everyone else leaves no see if you're trying to organize a trick we can hear you so we will know because we can hear this you're not talking just to them oh okay guys don't listen for a second i have to tell your listeners okay that's fair to listen j, I'm going to take off my headphones. Okay, look. If you want to hear a fun, funny podcast hosted by the very funny Brian Heater, Brian Lane, and Gene O'Neill,

it's called Gene's Jobs. You can find it in your iTunes. You've got a Tumblr, right? Yeah, it's genesjobs.tumblr and there's no E in Tumblr. Right. Common knowledge at this point. Yeah,.org.

I'm sorry, is there an E in org? Sorry,.organization. And now this has a specific, it's called Jeans Jobs for a reason, though, right? Like every episode is a job you've had? Yeah, well, we do talk about that. I am unemployed while I chase my dreams of being a Hollywood screenwriter. Jesus Christ, I thought I muted this. That was my parents calling to wish me happy birthday and I'm avoiding their call.

Those are always awkward, those happy birthday calls Because they always sneak in, you're a disappointment Why are you chasing your dreams To become a Hollywood screenwriter Like we have been for the past 30 years You're following in our footsteps It's getting annoying Stop trying to write episodes of Hercules

It's not on the air anymore aren't you stop trying to be in chud it was already filmed those journeys are no longer legend um it uh it's basically reading from uh unusual job uh list jobs posted on Craigslist. Some people send stuff in. But basically Brian Heater and Brian Lane troll Craigslist and other places for just unusual jobs. And then they ask me if I think I would be suitable to go for these jobs. And then I apply for them after the fact. And then the next week we talk about how my applications went. You had any callbacks so far?'s what it's called right i don't live in any kind of show

business i am uh i i am always so embarrassed like and sometimes i will say audition instead of interview and just feel like the biggest fucking asshole in the world like saying oh you know i went to a job audition. Had any good job auditions lately? No, they're called interviews. Fucking go snort some coke off an iPad. That's what I imagine everyone's saying to me. And then you start doing your monologue from Julius Caesar. Yes.

When Jordan goes to do auditions, it's usually one contemporary, one classic. Yeah, exactly. And then they have him snap into a Slim Jim and then he wraps it up. Monostat commercials are a lot like the theater in that way. Yeah.

I have to have eight bars of a song. Uh-huh. Friends, countrymen, Hulkamaniacs. Lend me your ears. Lend me your taste buds. They're like, we want a classical monologue, but just try and incorporate the product wherever you can.

Anyway, check out Gene's podcast. It's really funny. I've already listened to an episode and enjoy it and delighted. I just subscribed to it in my Zune podcast software. Oh, so it's made the Zune marketplace. Absolutely. That's great. That's a feather in your cap. Oh, so it's made the Zune marketplace. Absolutely. That's a feather in your cap. Yeah, it's pretty big now. I may have copied and pasted the I may have copied and pasted the

RSS feed and wrote directly into there. Yeah. We're on the internet now. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, call me once you're in the Zune marketplace, because it sounds like you're not Zune material. I've been sending away for cassettes. Um, Sounds like you're not soon material. I've been sending away for cassettes. I think you're thinking of your correspondence course on foundation repair. That is what it is.

It's pretty funny, though. Well, look, I'm going to call this one quits, but this is the very, very last moments of the MaxFunDrive. So if you haven't done it yet, do it now. Brag about it on Twitter. Hashtag is MaxFunDrive. Check out all the other people who are doing it. We have a Twibbin or tweet ribbon, which you can find on Twibbin.com.

But just go for it. MaximumFun.org slash donate. And my sincere thanks to all of the folks who thus far have made this Max Fund Drive just a huge monumental success. And I also want to say thank you to... One of the really cool things for me about the Max Fund Drive, and it probably comes up for you too, Jordan, is that, you know, when you ask people for their support, I mean, it's obviously it's immensely gratifying when they support you. Yes. But the other cool thing is it sort of like gives people permission to say, hey, I really

like your show. And so I just want to say thanks to everybody. Yeah, it's really, really great for sure. Yeah, absolutely. And this is, you know, and it's always it's so nice to hear from people who like the show and that it's an important part of their day and stuff. So yeah, so thanks a ton. And it doesn't happen too, too much, but occasionally we will receive a snarky comment on – to the extent of, why are you asking for money, asshole? They're very, very rare, but they do come up,

and it's something I think we've all seen. And so, yeah, it is just so nice that this is kind of a theoretical operation we're running here, and it's nice that so many more people get it than hate it. So, yeah, thank you so much for kind of understanding what we're going for and showing us that you like the shows. It means a ton. It really means a lot to me personally when we get messages about the important place that the work – I mean, obviously, you know, what we do is pretty stupid. Sure.

No one's saying it's not stupid. stupid and it it's really um you know when when we get tweets and emails and um you know reviews and itunes and stuff that talk about um how important the work that we do is in people's lives that really means a lot to me and i know it means a lot to jordan and everyone here who works here at maximum fun and you know when folks send in messages with their donations and stuff and and talk about because realistically we could be making more money making animated community gifts we could be cleaning up we could all have nicer houses yeah i mean all we'd have to do is do something with dr yow is it dr senior jay dr yow yeah why are you doing that to your eyes take

take your fingers off your eyes dude you don't need to do that every single time you say a name. But yeah, but thank you all so much for donating in the max fund drive and you're great. And we hope you enjoy all that bonus content because it's a pretty fun. Our theme music. Love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records.

And Hey, me and Jordan have been working together on the hit new comedy podcast, Comedy Quiz Show International Waters, episode two, up now in iTunes, featuring, among others, some past favorite Jordan Jesse Go guests, D.C. Pearson and Elizabeth Lame from Totally Lame.

They were hilarious. Susan Orlean is our celebrity guest, the best-selling author of Rin Tin Tin and The Orchid Thief. And we also have English guests from, among other things, The Da Vinci Code and Peep Show. There you go. So that's pretty heavy hitters. It's a really fun show.

Check it out on iTunes. That's it, right? Yep. Bye. Maximumfun.org.org donate we'll talk to you next week on jordan jessica