Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 219: Ska Church with Ian Edwards

Episode Date: April 10, 2012

Comedian Ian Edwards joins Jordan and Jesse to discuss ska church, 90s alternative rock bands, mom boyfriends and daytime television personalities.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Ian Edwards. And we talk about our mom's dating. And of course, Scott Church. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh my gosh, it is a beautiful day in Southern California.

A beautiful Easter. It is. A beautiful Easter Sunday. Absolutely. Sorry. Sorry to get all preachy. I know. I know we usually keep it secular here on Jordan Jesse Goh, but I just want to come out and say it's Easter.

Whoa, don't get all 700 Club on me here, Jordan. Easter exists. Jordan, please. Yeah. Do not get all. Sorry. You know, I just had Easter brunch with my family, so I'm feeling festive.

Did you say that your mother's fiancee plays the trombone in a church band? He does, yes. That is a really cool instrument to play in a church band. It's fantastic. Yeah, he's great at it. Looks good up there. Good posture.

I like that. Now, can I ask you a quick question about playing the trombone in the church band? I don't know a lot about it. I basically told you everything I know about it. I'll just ask you based on what you... It's a spit valve question. No, it isn't.

It's just a quick question based on what you know so far. I don't know if you've been to see him play trombone in the church band. I have, yes. Does he wear a suit or a party shirt? A suit. I love it. Looks good up there.

God bless him. Yeah, I mean, he reserves the party shirts for, you know, party time. This Brad is great. I'm really happy that your mom's happy and that Brad's happy. I mean, we just had a really good... We had like our traditional... You know, kind of the traditional Easter brunch we have every year. You know, it's...

Hard-boiled eggs and, of course, rabbit. Yeah, so a game rabbit that my mom shot. Yeah. You know, we had ham, we had potato salad, and we talked about the difference between the Hunger Game books and movies, which is something we do every year. But this year was the first year it made sense. Our guest laughing contemptuously at Jordan's traditional Easter brunch.

He's a stand-up comedian and writer, Ian Edwards. How you doing, pal? What's up, man? How y'all doing? Doing good. I'm just enjoying the banter and listening to the difference between my life and yours. It's huge. It's huge.

You did not have ham for Easter brunch. Nah, not today. Now, you're your mother's husband-to-be. What instrument does he play in the church band in Orange County? I don't know. She has to find one first. And then maybe we'll figure out the instrument later. Has she gotten on the internet yet?

No, my mom doesn't use a computer. Yeah. It's old-fashioned. Sure. Yeah. Do you think we could get her on a typewriter Type something up Send it in Match.com

She could probably do that Do you think match.com offers a service For people who only use typewriters Well I think maybe they should start a telegram service They're like I'm a single lady Stop No games

Stop She's seen a computer She's not that old. No games. Stop. She's seen a computer. She's just never touched one. That's all. She's just never logged online. She's concerned they may have Legionnaire's disease. Yes. It don't have, you know, she doesn't have a password.

You know what I'm saying? Right. I like movies and hate fake people. Stop. It's hilarious. Do you think that your mom, Jordan, could set my mom up on some dates? and hate fake people. Stop. It's hilarious. Do you think that your mom, Jordan, could set my mom up on some dates?

On some double dates with some of Brad's friends? I couldn't even finish that sentence. I mean, if your mom wants to commute... I should explain for the listener that Jordan's mom and my mom, while both wonderful people, are very different. Sure.

Comically, even. It would be a comic pairing. Your mom's into bad boys, not trombone players. To be fair, the trombone player is usually the bad boy of the church band. No, I don't think the trombone is the bad boy of any band. That's like the softest instrument ever yeah i'm i really like um the last i don't know even know how we could describe how we could even begin to describe the difference between your mom and my mom jordan your I mean, other than race, it's total.

Well, gender. Gender. Yeah, no, there is gender. There's also gender. I mean, your mom is... Is your mom originally from Texas or is that your dad? Tennessee. I'm sorry, Louisiana. Louisiana.

My dad is from Tennessee. My mom's from Louisiana. My mom's from Washington, D.C. So that's not... I mean... She was part of that original hardcore scene up there. Yes. My mom is Ian McKay.

We should explain that my mom is Ian McKay from Fugazi. But here's the thing. My mom's last real boyfriend that I was made aware of... Henry Rollins. Was called Dad. His name... Meet my new boyfriend, your dad. Oh, man.

If my mom started dating my dad, that would be a disaster of such epic proportions, Ian. I cannot even begin to tell you. Like, I would have to... if I got a telephone call right now from either my mom or my dad that said, now, we have to take my stepmother out of the picture here. But if we assume that my... Let's say snipers.

But if we assume that, even if we assume that my father was not married to my stepmother, if we got a call from my, if I got a call from my mom or my dad that said, even I'm thinking about dating your mother or I'm thinking about dating your father, that would be a situation so dire

that I would literally buy a plane ticket to San Francisco, where I'm from, to fucking do some last ten minutes of a romantic comedy level shit to keep it from happening to get between the two of them you'd play the bad guy in the love triangle i would do i would literally i would do anything prepared to to prevent your mom. I would, I would go to a sporting goods store and buy buckshot.

So let, I mean, why, what happened the first time they got together besides you? Yeah, that, I mean, maybe some brothers and sisters.

I don't know. If you, if you count me as good, then that's the only good thing that came up. My parents' marriage. And I'm not confirming that I'm counting you as good. Well, you haven only good thing that came of my parents' marriage. And I'm not confirming that I'm counting you as good. Well, you haven't known me that long.

Reserve judgment. I've often been described as bad. He's known as the bad boy of podcasting. The bad boy of Orange County podcasting. I think the bad boy of podcasting is along the lines of the bad boy in the church choir. I think those are two comparable bad boys.

Cyber bad boy. I think here's, from what I've been able, and here's the thing. My parents divorced when I was like three years old. like three years old um and i what i know about them what i know about their relationship only comes from they would not talk about it most of the time right so most of what i know about it only comes from when they were so angry that they would say something horrible about the other person right so maybe there was that's funny it's just that user fragments of yeah just anger just the worst together to make just the worst like well at least i'm not i'm not a drug dealer wait what do you mean at least i'm not a like your mother what my mom um just that level of shit but i mean the the kind of like basically the picture that i have

of their relationship is essentially this they met either at church or a bar i'm not sure one or the other church keeps coming around in this circle yeah so they i think think one or the other of these two things. Have you heard the good news yet? That's kind of what we're getting at. We mentioned that this is an evangelical podcast. Holy shit. We're saving souls one guest at a time. We actually do not put this podcast on the internet. We just invite comedians in because we think they're

lost souls. That's true, yeah. They are damaged people. A lot of comedians are. So it's a big good... It's actually a tragedy that this is not what you're pretending that it should be. I think you might have a point. Are you

willing to kind of switch gears here? You mean from atheism to monotheism? Well, I mean to aggressive have a point. Are you willing to kind of switch gears here? Yeah. You mean from atheism to monotheism? Well, I mean, to aggressive monotheism. You mean to believing in God? Into what, five? I mean, not just... I mean, you know, Jesse, what we believe or don't believe, I think, is irrelevant.

I think, you know... We're trying to save people's lives. At the end of the day, this isn't about us. These men and women are broken. They need direction in their lives. You know what? I think the bad boy of podcasts is right. Yeah, that's a good point.

You know, I couldn't, I was so distracted by his neck tattoos. And so this is the picture that I have of my parents' marriage. They're pieced together from a couple of vague memories, maybe a couple of photographs that weren't burned um and a couple of like vague mentions here and there it's hilarious they were both drunk they met either at a bar or at church uh they both wanted to have children right um my father was an alcoholic and my mother was possibly an alcoholic uh certainly a heavy

drinker like the days of wine and roses yeah and then uh and then maybe my mom tricked my dad into impregnating her but my dad wanted to have a kid so it wasn't that much of a trick so i don't know to what extent they were in love with each other. I've never heard them say something nice. I've never heard one of them say, I was so in love with your father. I was so in love with your mother before everything went wrong. Right. So maybe they were in love with each other.

I don't know. I'm going to go with no. Okay. It seems like the safe call. Yeah, yeah. ago with no okay it seems it seems like the safe call yeah yeah um and then they had a few years of uh drunk acrimony uh my mother got sober because that's where the problem came my mother my mother realized that drinking was a migraine trigger for her stop drinking uh. My parents divorced. My father got sober. And they've been excellent parents to me ever since.

They're wonderful parents. But they hate each other's guts. So lack of alcohol ruined their relationship. I think they're... But it made them excellent parents. I mean, I'm going to tell you, Ian. I think that their relationship had some deep fundamental flaws. Oh, yeah.

It's foundational. Yeah. Exactly. I think that the presence and lack of alcohol, I mean, it added color to the dysfunction in their relationship, I think. I think it made things more flavorful, if you will. Yeah, a little tipsy. Yeah, exactly. It made things fun.

Right. It may have made their relationship better. I think you may be right. I think you may be right. As soon as they stopped drinking. Well, I blame you. The root of the evil is like the migraine. Right.

If your mother didn't realize that this was a trigger. Right. You'd be a badly raised my parents would drunk parents but my parents would still be together and that's what's important you gotta have two parents in the household jordan absolutely if we learned anything of anything the comedians need religion yeah number one and the two parents. Two drunk parents. Two drunk parents. Coming soon to CBS. Two drunk parents. Two drunk parents. Is that a collaboration between Whitney Cummings and the people behind Two and a Half Men?

Yes. Yeah. Finally, those guys got together. Those by the people from the bitch in Apartment 2B. Is that what it is? 2B? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I'm glad that we've... It's kind of a super group of situation comedies You got Whitney Cummings You got the bitch from Apartment 23 You got John Cryer John Cryer

Put them together in a room, see what they come up with It's Two Drunk Parents But I want my I would love for my mom to have Two and a half drunk parents Oh, I like that It exists in the same universe. Two and a half drunk parents. Oh, I like that. Like that? Yeah. It exists in the same universe as Two and a Half Men.

So maybe, you know, Lil' Fatso can make a cameo if they're having problems in the ratings. I tried to. That's his name, right? Lil' Fatso? Yeah, I'm pretty sure his name is Lil' Fatso. You're talking about the kid that's on Two and a Half Men and is also the drummer in Van Halen? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I have tried to, I have often thought it would be nice if my mom had a nice boyfriend. I mean, my mom is a wonderful, amazing woman with many close friends that are like family. But I always thought it would be great if she had a nice boyfriend that hung around um that hung around well you know did she have some before that didn't no i mean i i think she had she did she it was the old drummer from van halen so he'd come to town that have a wild night she had she had boyfriends when i was a kid that i think she never presented to me as her boyfriend i I think, for those sort of... Yeah, and she had so many... She's always had very close friends in her life and lots of...

Including lots of male friends. And so... She's doing one of them. She just never told you. Yeah, and so I didn't know who was her boyfriend and who wasn't, I think. You know, I mean, I just never really tried to figure it out. You're about to play the shell game with dudes with you. told you yeah and so i didn't know who was her boyfriend and who wasn't i think you know i mean i just never really tried to figure it out the shell game with dudes would you yeah so if you tried to guess that's a boyfriend nah it's not yeah friend exactly that's exactly what was going

on man yeah you got it your mom is smooth she's a player yeah that's the difference between my mom and jordan should trick you should trick you out of your money yeah you're like find the boyfriend find the boyfriend which one's the boyfriend yeah and so yeah i mean it wasn't until i didn't know about someone that my mom was dating as her boyfriend until she had a boyfriend that when I was in college. Yeah, like when you were out, the picture. When I was gone. Yeah. When I was totally.

Like finally you could come over and spend the night. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Exactly. And in contrast to Jordan's mom's boyfriend is a super nice guy that she met on eHarmony. Is that where she met him? Yeah.

That's hilarious. Definitely out of her comfort zone, too. I mean, she also barely uses a computer, so I was definitely impressed to hear that she was doing that. I bet my sister was helping her. Your sister was helping? Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. I bet my sister was helping her your sister was helping?

yeah yeah it's hilarious my mom's boyfriend Reggie was was 15 years older than her and had been a Black Panther

and had written the definitive history of the Black Panthers a Panther is a Black Cat Reggie the white dude? no no he's a Black dude? yeah, he was a black dude. So when you came home from college, there's a black dude in your mom's house? A 75-year-old black dude. Jesus.

Yeah, a 75-year-old black dude, because my mom was about 60 then. Yeah, he's a good dude, too. I mean, he never lived in my mom's house. I mean, never lived in my mom's house I mean they were they had a They had a They had an intense but casual relationship Which is something weird to say About my mom Intensely pleasant You wanna go to a movie or do you wanna stay in

I can do whatever I like that idea of the intense Casual relationship You know what scrap two and a half drunk parents We're gonna go with Reggie The Black Panther stepfather I like that idea of the intense casual relationship. You know what? Scrap two and a half drunk parents. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to go with Reggie, the Black Panther stepfather.

Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, you know, let's just shorten it. Yo stepdad. Yo stepdad. It's a panther. Right. Yeah.

Yo stepdad. The reality. But the reality of this, what you don't know about the situation, Ian what you don't know about the situation well that was really about the situation it was super awkward for you at the time because you were in the clan yeah i was at the time it well i was no he was a skinhead i was no he's a straight skinhead yeah skinhead just come on from college yeah all headed mom i got something to tell you yeah she's like i got something to tell you i've learned a lot about my culture you know my people's history um i uh what you don't what you don't know about about my mom's relationship with with reggie is that while reggie had been a panther leader and etc etc um like my mom was definitely the intenser of the two like reggie reggie was reggie was definitely the laid back one

of the two of them and so like that ultimately like ultimately ultimately the question in finding my mom someone to and you know this is someone who's met my mom like ultimately the question in finding my mom someone to share share her life with would be someone that is... It would have to be someone that is interesting enough to keep her engaged, but also almost catatonically chill. And that is a difficult situation. It has to be one of those people... But you're basing this model off Reggie, because it worked. Jesse, you realize you just described Emo Phillips.

Now, if my mom was dating, how awesome would it be if your mom married Emo Phillips? Emo's white, so it wouldn't work. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Well, my dad's white. It happened once. But we already know that. It could happen again.

We know from prior conversation that was a mistake. That's true. That's true. from prior conversation that was a mistake that's true it probably wasn't true it probably wasn't um his alcoholism that broke up or you know the the you know the hard times he had because of his military service i bet it it was his race his race yeah i mean my mom my mom has i like your mom from what i understand of my mom's my mom's romantic background has been a real rainbow coalition by By that, I mean,

a lot of Asian dudes. By that, I mean that she has fucked the shit out of Jesse Jackson. Reverend Jesse Jackson has gotten it so good from, okay, we'll be back. Your mom could get a show on MSNBC. Yeah,

absolutely. Well, they're just giving them out. Yeah, you can just give it a month to hang around. Just have to hang around outside MSNBC long enough. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, and Co.

It's Jordan, Jesse, and Co. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, bad boy of podcasting. Yeah, and I'm Ian Edwards, just sitting's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, bad boy of podcasting. And I'm Ian Edwards, just sitting here trying to find a trombone player. Everybody needs their trombone player. You know why? Because at the end of the day, we all got to clean out our spit valves once in a while, am I right?

You know what I'm talking about. That's right. We all need to add a little brass to those hymns. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, guys. I feel you. I feel you, players. Those hymns need to be more brassy. Jordan, does your would-be stepfather go to a ska church?

He does, yes. It's him. Is it a ska church? Hilarious. Yeah. When I said he wears a suit, he wears it with slip-on vans. And skinny tie. And skinny tie and rainbow suspenders.

Zero would-be stepfather in Real Big Fish. I didn't want to, like, brag, because I, you know, because, like, whenever, you know, if somebody, like, knows a celebrity, you know, I don't want to be a name dropper. You didn't want a scar drop? I didn't want a scar drop, no. I feel you. If only you could write a letter to 13-year-old Jordan right now.

Your stepdad will be in Real Big Fish, and the Aquabats will have a TV show in 2012. The Aquabats totally have a TV show. Yeah, they do. I know. The Aquabats totally have a TV show. Yeah, they do. I know. Our producer, Julia's boyfriends and girlfriends with a former Aquabat who works on that television program. They live together in the same house.

Our past guest, Brandon Bird, did a little of the art for it. Yeah. Designed some of their monsters. And he's, in fact, he just did production design on a new television program that many of the same people that worked on that, uh, Yo Gabba Gabba Aquabats television program. Uh, yeah. Uh, do you think like after the Aquabats TV show got announced,

like the guys from mustard plug, like started calling each other like, okay, we need to get our pitch together. I don't know what mustard plug is, but I'm going to say yes. You can infer what you went beyond. You know what?

Do you know what you think mustard plug is? Yes. That's what it is. Okay. It can infer. You went beyond my well of knowledge. Do you know what you think mustard plug is? Yes. That's what it is. It's that. I have no idea. This is what it's like if I start talking about San Quinn or something like that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think I don't.

The prison? No, the San Francisco rapper. He's named after the prison. I think, to be fair, what Mustard Plug is doesn't require much description beyond they're a ska band and their name is Mustard Plug. Right. Sort of like Bullies with Fullies. You know, yes. You know what? Yes.

Yes. Exactly. Absolutely. It doesn't require much explanation other than that they're a hip-hop group from San Francisco and their name is Bullies with Fullies. Wow. I've pieced together the rest. Bullies with Fullies. I've pieced together the rest. much explanation other than that they're a hip-hop group from San Francisco and their name is Bully Swit Fully. I've pieced together the rest. I've pieced together the rest. It rhymes.

Ian, it rhymes. What's the group made a part of? The members. It's a super group. It's I want to say... It's short for full erection, right? Because they perform full erections. I'm trying to think of who it is.

Bullies with fullies does sound like a porn site. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe like a really tough gay porn site. Like a real, like. But it's like dancing beer. Like real tough gay guys. They were out like. it's like dancing like real tough gay guys they were they were out like um what's dancing bear they were out i'll tell you after okay it's messy marv is one of them

messy marv messy marv um aka your boy boy young mess um and another dude who's friends with messy marv um i'm i'm typing it into the internet. Goose. Goose is the other dude. Oh, Goose is the other dude? Yeah, the other dude is named Goose. I don't know anything about the other dude. But Messy Marv is a San Francisco hip-hop legend.

But, yeah, bullies with fullies. They sound like PG rapper names. They're not PG rappers. Word. They have, like, the funnest rapper names they're not pg rappers and they have like the funnest rapper names ever well i mean and when you say when you i mean the thing is is like if you're messy marv and you're like look i got a pretty fun i got a pretty fun rap name right but then you're like how could i kick this up a notch well the boy boy young mess is how you're going to kick it up. The boy-boy young mess. Yeah. I mean, Messy Marv.

There's no difference between Messy Marv and the Grover from Sesame Street. Like, I could see Messy Marv in a trash can right next to him. Yeah. To be fair, these rappers are all made of felt, right? And they're voiced by Frank Oz. What's the other one? I would really enjoy an episode of Sesame Street where they went to Hunter's Point in San Francisco.

They just take that 15 3rd Street down to HP and they just, you know, they hit up Sunnyside. They check out, you know, and they just, you know, they build with some of those dudes. They hang out with Sam Quinn. Yeah.

Sam Quinn. Messy You know. Sam Quinn. Yeah, sure. With Messy Marv and Goose. And Goose. Yeah, Goose. Yeah, Goose is like... Big Rich. They get Big Rich in there.

Big Rich. You know, they can hang out with Big Bird. Yeah, Big Rich is from the film, though, of course. He's not from... Oh, my bad. Yeah, well, come on, Ian.

Yeah, you're right. Get your head on straight. I gotta get my shit together. My bad. Come on. You're a guest on our show, Ian. I don't need to tell you this. You gotta know who Mustard Plug is.

You gotta know that other stuff. Mustard Plug sounds like another pornographic thing. Everything you say that... Even your mom's boyfriend is a trombone player. That sounds... That's vulgar. Church trombone player is a vulgar sounds... That's vulgar. Yeah.

Church trombone player is a vulgar thing to be. Sounds vulgar, too. Everything could be... But let's... There's a double entendre. Let's get real, Ian. Did you or did you not work on the Lyricist Lounge show on MTV? So you got to know who Messy Marv is. I know who E-40 is.

I know who Sugar T is. I know who Sugar T is. You know who the politician is. You know about the politician. The quarterback, 40 Water. Sorry, his name never came up during pitch meetings. Wait, Jordan, I know we're going to talk about something with you. I just have to ask this question because I never saw the Lyricist Lounge show. Was it?

But I did have lyricist lounge cds and so i got really confused when i heard you know i don't actually i don't even know what it is could you explain the premise of the show i'll explain the premise but yes for whether now or after yeah just youtube it yeah and i think you'll like it okay uh so the lyricist lounge was like a sketch show that was half rap sketches and half regular sketches. When you say rap sketches, do you mean that the sketches were wrapped? Yeah, the sketches were

wrapped. As in the people were wrapping in the sketches? People were wrapping in the sketches. Now you understand that sounds like a terrible, terrible idea, Ian. No, we're talking about it was a great execution. I'm surprised it didn't go further. Uh-huh.

No, it was, check it out. I don't believe you at all. I know, I know. I want you to know that I don't believe you at all. I'm glad you're honest about that because I could tell from the look on your face that you were like, hell no. That sounds like a horrible, horrible idea. It was like, hell no, I'm not believing this. But at least you said it so because i remember at the

time because the lyricist lounge was a it was a famous it started out right as a famous recurring show it was like a weekly show or a monthly show in new york right and then it became it became sort of one of the most famous series of uh compilation underground hip-hop compilation records in the late 90s, in the mid to late 90s, that were sort of the epicenter of the kind of... of the underground hip-hop movement when underground hip-hop was like, oh, we're underground hip-hop,

and the birth of the dawn of we like hip-hop, not rap or whatever. Right. Rap versus hip-hop. The thing that curdled into that. Right. I'm not that into that. But at the time when that was a thing and it was worthwhile, this was the center of that. The first backpackers.

Yeah, exactly. Right. And I remember hearing that they were getting a television program. Right. And thinking like, oh, that's great. They had to watch Farrow Monch on MTV or whatever. How come you didn't check it out? I don't think I had cable.

You knew so much. I don't think I had cable. Now, where did the sketches come from? Was that part of their original club show or whatever? I don't know how the concept came up, but it worked out. We had sketches like a bank robbery. Uh-huh. Like they're in a bank.

But they're rapping. And four dudes that are online just bust out. One gets the door. One gets the cash register. One goes to the safe. And they're rapping their instructions. And people are following along. And some of the hostages are rapping. But're all rappers you know and the music is hot and the

lyrics are kind of funny and it's kind of clever because they put it all together and it's a complete story within you know like you listen to like it's like some nas joints or some jay-z joints where they like tell a story or koogee rap and it's just basically like if you could you could actually shoot a cool g rap any of his songs and have like a nice hot like short story and that's basically what lyricist lounge was and then they had regular like snl type sketches with some other actors it's a good it's a good combination sort of like that one time beyonce made a hip-hopera so they got that from the lyricistounge show and they made a whole movie. So they did that right after. But that's where they got it from.

Remember that hip-hopera? I don't remember the hip-hopera. You should have watched that. I think it was a disaster. It was sort of a disaster. What was it? Yeah. What was it? It was a retelling of Carmen starring Beyonce and I want to say Mos Def was in it.

That might have been her first acting role. Yeah, well, I mean she's still a bad actress. She's never improved. That might have been her first bad acting role. She's a lovely young woman. She continues to be a beautiful young woman.

Okay, sorry. Jordan, I cut you off there. I just got excited to talk to ian about this one thing that i remembered seeing on this imdb that i have literally been wondering about this and have not bothered to type it into the internet for 10 years i have been so busy typing bullies with fullies into the internet. Mustard what? Mustard plug. Yeah.

I already know what that is. I'm not going to type that. That's asking for trouble. You type mustard plug into the internet. Yeah, that'll ruin your whole day. You're either going to get some kind of gross pornography or worse ska music. So either way. Well, hopefully some gross pornography.

And then you'll feel really bad. Either way, you're going to jack off and feel bad about it. Just go, oh, I can't believe I jacked off to that. Oh, jeez. Ska pornography. Yeah. Jordan. Ska pornography.

Skanography. Yeah, I mean, I think that, yeah, I mean, I think we talked a little bit last week about, you know, how pornography has to be so novel to sell these days. It has to be parodies. You've got to have subcultures. Sure, sure. I mean, I think 90s nostalgia is big. Right.

There's all these 90s nostalgia tours going around. I think I saw that bare naked ladies are doing a tour with Sugar Ray and Cracker over the summer. So yeah, I mean, I think that's, you know, it's a market, I think. Wait, did you say bare naked ladies are doing a tour with Sugar Ray and Cracker? Yeah. What is that? Just the sad tour?

Yeah, no, I think it's called Summer Fest or Summer Jam. Oh, geez Louise, that is horrible. Yeah. It's old school shit. But that is just sad, though, because it's the combination that makes it sad sure right because what it is is there are oh the gin blossoms are also involved oh yeah just made it sad because now i have to jack off because i feel bad about it what you're doing when you combine those things is it's like each thing cancels out any people that might actually like the thing sure like the

dorks that might actually like the bare naked ladies like the sort of genial doofuses that actually like the bare naked ladies right and then the the sort of vacant assholes that actually like sugar ray and then the i don't know i guess like the sort of like i don't know if do people were there people that actually like the gin blossoms yeah like people like do they still have alternative rock cred guess i would guess that i don't know enough about alternative rock as a genre. I'm also fuzzy on this, too. All this was popular in a time where I mainly cared about Rancid. So,

I think that the gin blossoms people are the same as the Sugar Ray people. So, I think that's a good combo. Really? Yeah, I think so. But don't only girls like Sugar Ray? Yes, I think only girls like gin blossoms. Why does Sugar Ray... It seems like Sugar Ray was fine and then the dude just said, I think so. But don't only girls like Sugar Ray? Yes, I think only girls like Gin Blossoms. It seems like Sugar Ray was fine, and then the dude just said, I'm leaving. I'm gonna do

this thing on... I'm gonna be on Extra. Yeah, yeah. It's like... But was Sugar Ray fine? I don't know. Sugar Ray wasn't doing fine. They weren't doing bad. Would you rather be in Sugar Ray or would you rather host Extra? I'd rather host Extra because it seems like there's more longevity

involved. Right. But you get more bitches from being in Sugar Ray. I bet the Extra bitches are pretty substantial. You probably do okay on bitches. Yeah, I mean, you know, some screaming girls at a concert. Yeah. You know what it is? If some girl

comes to a Sugar Ray concert, you know you could fuck her. Yeah, that's true. Sure. If they just watch an extra, you don't know. Yeah, you know, she might be trying to give you a resume or something. If you could figure out a way to go through the television, you could probably fuck her. Exactly.

That's probably because of your powers of technology. Yeah, sure. No, I mean, yeah. Think about it. You're a 35-year-old young mother. Your better days are behind you. And then fucking Sugar Ray just kicks the screen out of your TV and comes into your house. Totally fucking before your husband got home. He's not a bad-looking guy.

He's a handsome man. Mark McGrath. That's how he ended up. He owes Extra? I think he does not host Extra anymore. I think he just left like a year or so ago. Oh, when they just switched him out for Mario Lopez or some shit. Yeah.

Wait, does Mario Lopez host Extra? That's what he hosts. I thought he hosts Dancing with the Stars. No, no, no. Mario Lopez hosts most things. Yeah, on TV. I think Mario Lopez is rivaling Seacrest for most things hosted. Really?

Yeah, he hosts America's Best Dance Crew, too. Best Dance Crew on MTV. And then he does... I think he does extra. Which one did they shoot at the Grove? Yeah, I know. Oh, God. Shit.

But it's like E, the most into... You know, the one that... I forgot. It might be Access Hollywood. Might be Access. One of them yeah there's so many now but they used to just be one but he's hosting some major shit so mario lopez from saved by the bell sure yes where have you been i don't know i just guess i just don't

really yeah i've been on the internet googling mustard plug I was looking for the sex act Not the ska band He's hosting that Sugar Ray tour With the Yeah Mario Lopez comes out And introduces Yeah I guess

I guess if you are having A 90s nostalgia tour You're gonna want a member Of Saved by the Bell To come out Well you probably just get Zach right I think Zach's

I think I think Zach is probably The hardest to get I think he's had the most You know consistent success Is he Yeah he's had the most consistent success. Is he? Yeah, he's on Franklin and Bash. Yeah.

He is? Yes. He's one of the dudes. He's our friend, Kumail Nanjiani. Franklin or Bash. He's Kumail Nanjiani's friend. He hangs out with Kumail Nanjiani basically every day. Oh, my God.

So Zach's doing all right. So we are friends with someone who is friends with Zach from Saved by the Bell? Yes. If you told me that when I was 12 years old, if you had told me that, that I would ever know someone who knew someone that handsome. That's hilarious. Wait a minute. Do you really think that Zach from Saved by the Bell is remarkably handsome

to the point where you would? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, okay. You know what's funny about that statement? Like, you know, when Jamie Foxx won the Oscar, like, I know, like,

a good friend of his. Yeah. And I'm sitting there and I see Jamie Foxx get the Oscar. And I said, I can't believe Speedy's friend won an Oscar.

Oh, you're Speedy's friend. Speedy's friend. Like, who would have known, like, years ago that you would even know somebody that won an Oscar? Like, Speedy? But, I mean, is that mostly because you would never expect someone with a name? That's ridiculous. That's like if you had a buddy named Chum Bucket. Right.

And then Chum Bucket's best friend got elected governor. Who would have thought that it would be Chum Bucket. Right. And then Chum Bucket's best friend got elected governor. Who would have thought that it would be Chum Bucket's buddy that got elected governor? It was funnier to say Speedy's friend won an Oscar than Jamie Foxx. Or Chum Bucket's friend just got elected governor. Jesus. Oh, you're Dump Truck's friend. Congratulations on your Nobel Prize in chemistry. Dump Truck told me all about you. Dump Truck's friend. Congratulations on your Nobel Prize in chemistry.

Dump Truck told me all about you. Dump Truck's the best. Okay, so wait. So Mario Lopez hosts how many shows? All shows that Seacrest does not host. Do you think, this is a real question about this. Sure. Do you think that if you're one of these guys, like if you're Mario Lopez and you host a bunch of these shows, do you think that that makes Mario Lopez feel happy?

Yeah. Yeah. I think you are probably surrounded by positivity at all times. Right. I think you have people telling you what a great job you're doing. Right. Because you're being touted as a handsome guy. Right. You're making some money.

If you're being touted as a handsome guy all the time, do you think that that makes you wonder whether there's something else wrong with you on the inside? No, you're superficial. Who cares? That's why you're always working out. He's always working out and he plays

into what he's being told and that's his bread and butter. Is he a homosexual gentleman? He's smart enough to not go away from it. I actually saw Mario Lopez out with a lady.

He sat behind me when I saw The Fighter and she was very, very attractive. Not that homosexuals don't hang around with attractive women. Sometimes they do. Because that's all they do they do yeah basically yeah they're not hanging around

with hot dudes but you know you know i want to take back my answer on the happiness right yeah because when you mentioned the fighter i could just see mario lopez face watching the fight i'm going that could be me that's what i want to do oh yeah maybe and i'm like hosting this shit i'm making some money but he you know he's probably trying to get some serious acting work. Because I bet Wahlberg started out as a ridiculous boy band guy. And now he's a respectable actor. Yeah, maybe Mario Lopez sees that and goes, God, fuck. I should have Wahlberg'd a little bit.

Because no matter what you have, you always want more. Or there's always a better career you want. God, I wish I had Speedy's career. If I could just be Chum Bucket for one day. Ah, I know. That should be our new action item. Do you think Mario Lopez is sad inside? 206-9844-FUN.

No, but I mean, I just, when I watch, when I see a show like that, you know, the kind of show that is so, because if you're like, like if you know the kind of show that is so because if you're like like if you're the host of you know if you're the host of a news program then you're not necessarily sad inside because you're you're doing something sure you're doing an actual thing unless it's a local show right and you want to make it to the to like on a national level right like shit yeah you know but it depends like i mean but i mean you could get some you could get some you could you could have some reward inside yourself for that right and i mean even if you're all even if you host

the view like if you're on the view if you're Whoopi Goldberg or Joy Behar or the horrible other people that host The View. Chum Bucket, dump truck. Speedy. Chum Bucket or dump truck. But I mean, like, sure. Like, let's say you're Whoopi Goldberg, right? Right. And frankly, I know Whoopi Goldberg is not a popular person to like, but I like Whoopi Goldberg.

I like her. Maybe because I'm from San Francisco and Whoopi Goldberg is a San Francisco person. I used to take Whoopi Goldberg's record out of the library in San Francisco and listen to it all the time as a kid. I really like Whoopi Goldberg. I think she's a cool, smart, funny lady. kid like i i really like whoopi goldberg i think she's a cool smart funny lady right um she's i think she's you know in i think she's in that category of like you know obviously has you know has had has done some great stuff and kind of hard to dislike but probably can't point to anything recently that she's done that's been anything the thing about whoopi is i think she's accepted where

she's at and she doesn't when you watch her on The View, when I accidentally watch her on The View, because who watches The View? You know, I had a job where I worked for the Ellen DeGeneres show, and it was my job to watch The View every day. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. I had to watch The View every day.

Is she gay? Huh? Ellen DeGeneres, is she gay? No. Oh, God. God, she was... Every day. I saw her out with Mario Lopez.

Yeah. Every day, just a fucking new dude. Yeah. A different race every day. No, oh God. One time I saw her out with Mario Lopez. Every day, just a fucking new dude, a different race every day, was coming in that office and fucking ripping Ellen in half. Let me ask you a question. Is she a bitch? I hear she's an asshole. I did not have a lot of contact with Ellen DeGeneres when I worked there. She is super private.

She has personal security. Personal security? Yeah, yeah, that kind of ushers her kind of to and fro. To be fair, if I was a small, super famous lady who was also famous for being one of the first out gay people, I would probably have personal security that I would have. Right, and I will say that it was also my job, in addition to watching the view, I had to,

I don't believe you. What? You'd have security. Yeah. Because I, I think if there's a reason it's like this, look, I,

I don't want to, I don't want to cut off your, but like I worked in the, I worked in the mayor's office briefly when I was in high school in San Francisco. Yeah. I worked in the mayor's office briefly when I was in high school in San Francisco. Chum bucket? Yeah. I worked in the mayor's office briefly when I was in high school

in San Francisco when Willie Brown was the mayor of San Francisco. And there was an incident while I was working in the mayor's office where Willie Brown got pied. He got hit in the face

with a pie. Classic. Classic gag. Yeah. And Willie... Stuffy old mayor, pie in the face. And the mayor was pissed.

And he said, and part of the reason he was pissed is because he said, you know, like, look, I'm a black guy and I genuinely have a reason. And I'm the mayor of a city. And, you know, I was the first, he was the first African-American assembly leader of California. He was, you know, the man's 75 years old now. So he was a civil rights leader. Like he was he's genuinely had a reason to be worried about people attacking him. Right. Right. And I that I understand.

And at the time I was like, yeah, I understand why you would genuinely feel like you had and not think that was funny for that reason. To be fair, he did look at... But how does a lesbian talk show host, how does this translate to a lesbian talk show host? Do you think that she didn't, you think she wasn't getting death threats and shit? Well, I can actually definitively answer this question. I had to, I had to,

part of my job in addition to watching The View is going into the, you know, YoEllen at Ellen Show email and just like, you know, kind of look, monitoring it for, you know, things they might want to use email and just like, you know, kind of look at monitoring it for, you know, things they might want to use on the show. Right. Several death threats per day.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Real crazy. Real crazy ones, too. Maybe she needs security, then. Yeah, yeah. She should get security. Sure.

Yeah, right? And I mean, Ian, also, I mean, as an African-American man yourself, I think you should get some security because people might want to take you out. Sure. But I think mainly what to do. My security right now is not to wear hoodies. That's my security. That's your personal security.

That's political commentary on our show. I think just the main thing, I think the main mistake that Willie Brown made, and I think the mistake that I don't want to see you make is if you're in the same room as a fly. If you're in the same room as a pie. Becoming the first African-American mayor of San Francisco. Just don't do that. If you're in the same room as a pie, don't say, I want that pie. Give it to me.

Let me have it. Because you're just setting somebody up. And I get that maybe he just wanted to have the pie because it was good, but, like, you can't resist that classic joke setup. And also, when you're working as a painter, do everything in your power not to get assigned to the ladder crew with Larry and Mo, because every time they turn around,

ba-boom. Oh, somebody's going to get hit. Yeah, every time they turn around, but boom, somebody's going to get hit. Yeah. Every time they turn around. I can assure you, Speedy's other friend is not going to get pied. Yeah. I'm good.

So yeah, I didn't, I didn't have too much. I didn't have too much interaction with Ellen while I was working there, but I will always regard it as a good job because when I left, they gave me an Xbox. Oh, that's hot. Yeah, it was cool. So why did they want you to watch The View? Just so they didn't repeat

things that they had done on The View. So yeah, I had to give them a little rundown with like, they talked about this and then there was some then Joy was kibitzing. I was racist. All of my rundowns were racist. This is the thing about being Whoopi Goldberg or whatever on The View.

Is Joy Behar Jewish? Maybe she's not. She seems Jewish. I think she's Jewish. I think she is, too. Joy Behar. Every time I... Sometimes I'll watch an interview with somebody who's going to be on Bullseye when they've been on The View.

I just watched one with... Wow. If you want to watch the awkward seven minutes of television, watch Rachel Dratch's recent appearance on The View. I just watched one with, wow, if you want to watch the awkward seven minutes of television, watch Rachel Dratch's recent appearance on The View. It is the just most painful, weird thing. Boy, yeah. I mean, my several months watching that show every day, it's an awful program.

I don't know if it's gotten any better, but it's nonsense. They have like some moments and shit. Yeah, but here's the thing. Here's the thing about being on The View. Like however you, even if you're on The View, and I think that some, I mean, obviously Barbara Walters didn't get where she is by being a dunce. Right. You know, I think Whoopi Goldberg has, you know, I think her success has been merited.

I think Joy Behar seems like a really cool lady. Every time I watch one of those things, I always come away from it thinking like, man, that Joy Behar seems like a really cool lady. She she's funny too she'll slip in some real funny shit yeah she'll say something that's actually funny yeah her and kelly ripper you can count on like oh hey oh right yeah she actually did say something that actually was funny on purpose and kelly ripper like you know to her credit it's like when i used to watch regis yeah i was like this motherfucker's amazing. Like, there's something, motherfucker just, first of all, how do you get this many stories from your past?

Like, how old are you that you have enough stories for five days a week for 40 years on TV? Yeah. Like, and you live most of your life on TV. Yes. And Kelly Ripa's like the same. It's like, it was a no-brainer. Yeah. They're both amazing geniuses.

And I want to be clear. The reason that I'm so impressed at Kelly Ripa and Joy Behar being so hilarious is not because they're lady television hosts. It's because they're on daytime TV, which is the least funny thing

in the history of the world. But the thing about being on The View is at the very least, at the end of the day, you're offering your thoughts and feelings about something. Like, that's a key part of the show. So, like, ultimately, if you're somebody who does other stuff that's maybe classier, like, let's say you're... Aisha Tyler was recently on Bullseye. And she's so fantastic on Archer. She's just so great on Archer.

Very talented actress. And she's on one of these shows that's like The View. And, you know, I don't know how... Is she on the one with Ozzy Osbourne's wife? I don't know who else is on it. Is she guesting or she's on it? She's on it. She's regular on it.

She's a regular. I don't think it's the one with Ozzy's wife. Okay. Cheryl Underwood is on that. Okay. She's... Yeah. Darlene from Roseanne is the host and executive producer of it.

Wow, really? I think it's called The Talk, if I remember correctly. Anyway, i've not i've not seen the show but anyway ozzy's wife but go ahead aisha aisha tyler um like she can go to work in the day and even if she's even if the show is terrible and i don't know if it is or not i haven't seen it right she can she can be like well you know i shared some thoughts and feelings maybe i changed some minds etc etc etc right if cetera, et cetera. Right. If you work on extra, you've done nothing. You've done nothing for the...

Your life's work is empty. Sure. Yeah, you are purely there to throw to clips from pieces of media from your boss's parent company. And you're in front of it. I mean, it's not like... You know, I had a friend... That's why they hire Mario Lopez, because he's good at nothing. Yeah, that's the thing.

But I mean, I had a friend who worked on Entertainment Tonight as a researcher. And that is like a job where you have... I mean, he didn't like Entertainment Tonight, I don't think. I mean, he likes his co-workers and stuff. I don't didn't like entertainment tonight, I don't think. I mean, he liked his co-workers and stuff. I don't think he hated it, but I don't think he enjoyed the show. But, you know, he liked research and learning about entertainment. He's a trivia guy and, you know, went on Jeopardy and liked reading and learning about stuff.

You know what I mean? He was that kind of guy. So he got something out of that part of the job but hosting a tv show of the type of where you go stand on a stage and read from cue cards or read from a teleprompter i know i've done it um if there's no like jokes or even interviews they'll send lopez to a junket every now and then but it's not i mean there's not... But that's how good of an actor he is. He pretends to like that shit. This is a tough job.

Not anybody could just do this. Oh, it is tough. He's dying inside. I have to pretend to have an opinion about Kesha. Yeah, you can't tell. That's how amazing this motherfucker is. I don't want to run down how good the dude is at it because being good at that is crazy hard. Yeah.

I know because I wasn't that great at it. I was okay at it, but I was not that great at it. But the emptiness, there's got to be emptiness. You've got to feel terrible. He's taking pills. He's definitely taking pills. Okay, so you're all the way on my side. Yeah, yeah.

There's no disagreement here. You claimed happiness at the beginning of this conversation. I will remind you. Yeah, and then I took it back when he mentioned, you know, Mary Lopez watching The Fighter. Right. Yeah, yeah. And he's in shape.

Yeah. And he's watching, like, a boy band member get nominated for an Oscar. And he's like, I was on Saved by the Bell. That's a close proximity. Yeah. Like, that could have been me. That could have been my trajectory, career trajectory. And I'm hosting.

Like, I got to interview this guy about a great movie. And I'm just like. Oh, yeah. God, that must be. I bet those are the tough moments for Mario Lopez is when you do have to deal with a member of your, like, cultural peer group. Do you think Mario Lopez has ever had to interview Zach from Saved by the Bell I bet he has

probably has because that shows you know he probably has the only thing that saves him is he makes more money than Zach what's the guy with the glasses

Screech when he just has to go home and look at Screech online yeah and seriously Screech is porn yeah and then

you know Screech Screech was on our show once in our in our college days and uh he was a real asshole. Yeah, but maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe that is what Mario Lopez can, like, take some solace in. I guess, sure, there are the Wahlbergs and there are the Zacks of the world.

Right. But you always have, like, Screech to kind of look down on. I think we can agree that he's the saddest. Yeah, Screech bottomed out. Screech is kind of look down on. I think we can agree that he's the saddest. Screech bottomed out. Screech is probably the saddest. Yeah, because Screech could have taken... I mean, even given his career falling apart, he could have taken the high road

and just not been a dick. Right, sure. He could have just quit the business and got a regular job, or he could have gone behind the scenes and become the next Fred Savage. Or done like his looks and become a lawyer. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, exactly. But no. No. He turned out to go on Jesse and Jordan's college radio show and tell joke book jokes about disabled people. Wow. Which he really did. Did we ever find that?

I think we found it. I think it was in the college years archive somewhere. Oh, God, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I think you can find it in the college years somewhere oh god i don't know yeah yeah i think that's something that i wouldn't want to listen to i know i've never i haven't listened to it since we were in college i am grateful that it occurred for one reason though when people ask me what's the worst interview you've ever had on the sound of america i have something to tell people right away that i don't feel bad about telling people because we gave him... It wasn't

just like an awkward social interaction. We gave him a lot of... We kept trying to give him opportunities to not just tell sort of rude jokes about disabled people and just be a jerk on purpose. I think we even played a song from his math rock band.

Which he also has. We tried to talk to his... We tried to talk he also has. We wanted to talk, we tried to talk to his, we tried to talk about his band. We tried to talk to him about his instructional chess DVD that was out at the time. Instructional chess DVD. All he wanted to do

was tell seriously street jokes, joke book jokes about fucking quadriplegics. Wow. Mean jokes about disabled people. Oh, it was horrible. The moment this stands out in my mind more than any other is him telling these awful quadriplegic jokes like wheelchair

jokes and at one point i think jordan might have been gene said hey maybe we should talk about your act and then screech said this is my act. Anyway. Speaking of 90s nostalgia, I had kind of a funny occurrence the other day. God, I feel like the advertising for American Reunion is just all over the place. Yeah, it is. Boy, and I desperately want a friend to see. I don't want to see it, but I'm so curious about it. I would love it if a friend would see it.

So if someone had seen American Reunion and wants to call me and tell me about it. I think that's a fun action item. Whoever has... We do not want to go see American Reunion, but we kind of feel like we should know what happens in it. Or not just a plot summary, just we should know what we should know what happens in it. Or not just a plot summary, just we should know what we should know about it. Yeah. Anyway, so there's this set of ads for it that's just kind of like a big poster

with one of the characters on it. It's, you know, Stifler, Jim. I saw Stifler last night. And the one of Jennifer... It was great. I was glad that they brought Stifler back to play Stifler. It is really, yeah. Yeah, so the one with

Jennifer Coolidge on it, she's the, you know, she's in all the Christopher Guest movies. She always kind of specializes in, you know, playing vapid Hollywood women. So she's the woman who is famous for having a sort of plumped face. You know what I'm for having a sort of plumped face.

You know what I'm talking about? A naturally plumped face. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. So, yeah, you look a plumped face. Yeah. Yeah. If I can just find a gal with a plump face who doesn't mind the old mustard plug. Action item.

If you've seen American Reunion. It's the new Dirty Sanchez. Or if you're a gal with a, if you're a plump-faced gal, who wouldn't mind the old mustard plug on my birthday? The one for Jennifer Coolidge. So she plays a cougar-type woman in these. And she's super funny. And I still remember her from the first one and it being one of the legit hilarious moments in that. Yeah, you know, she's super funny. And I mean, I still remember her from the first one

and it being one of the legit hilarious moments. Yeah, it was a hilarious movie. Yeah, totally. But for her big poster, they airbrushed it. And her cleavage is very prominent, but not in a hilarious way, like in a Jennifer Love Hewitt on, you know, whatever that show she's on way.

Like, it's that same kind of ad where her, like, they're trying to, you know. Legitimize it sexily? Yeah. Oh, you're talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt's upcoming lifetime show, Jennifer Love Hewitt the Fuck Whore. Sure, yeah. Boobs the show. Yeah.

So, I'm like, oh, that's so weird because that character isn't supposed to be sexy it's supposed to be grotesque like it's supposed to be you know it's supposed she's not supposed to be it's supposed to be funny that a guy is having sex with her it's not supposed to be you're not supposed to root for that guy who has sex with her it's supposed to be like oh gosh um and it and i'm like i i kind of wish they i wish they weren't presenting this character as sexy but as funny. Right. But then I also thought to myself, I would fuck Jennifer Coolidge in a second. Oh, you would?

In a second. I would not even have to think about it. So I've learned that about myself. What's her name? We would go see Bare would go see bare naked ladies that's hilarious anyway what's the name of the french the chick that played the exchange student oh yeah i was trying to it's it's you would be tempted to say jennifer love hewitt but it's not it's a jennifer love hewitt-esque character who shannon elizabeth shannon elizabeth like you know

you know i did a season of punked oh yeah and And we were using her to help set up Mila Kunis. Mm-hmm. You know? Ain't that always the way. You know, that's always the way. Oh, yeah. You got to set up Kunis. You got to set up Kunis.

You know what I'm saying? You got to use Elizabeth to catch a Kunis. You got to see. If you want a mustard plug, you got to set up the Kunis. You gotta see if you want a mustard plug. If you want a mustard plug, Kunis. You're gonna need an Elizabeth to do that shit. You're gonna need a Shannon. So, you know, usually the person gets the person

there and helps set the scenario and the players go in and get the mark and flip the whole shit around. And you were the rapping bank robber? No, I was playing a cop. You know what I'm saying? I was playing a cop.

And let me tell you something. Shannon Elizabeth fucked the whole thing up because she couldn't act. That was the irony of the whole thing. What was the scenario supposed to be? She was so unbelievable. Yeah. That Kunis is like, I'm getting punked, right? Oh, funny.

That's how bad she was. Oh, so wait, no. Tell us what was the scenario. I'm trying to remember the scenario because it never aired because she was on to us. It was the only one. The first one we did when i was on that season was with teo and he was on to it but i just kept going and then so so he was in and out of belief of it and then there was enough there to put something together wait with teo with terrell

owens terrell owens yeah but this one this bitch just like you know you're all there you set the thing up and then you start doing it and then she's talking and you look at her and you would just want to slap the shit out of her and just blow it this thing is blowing already let me just at least well i guess that counts i guess that i mean maybe you could just switch around and you could punk shannon elizabeth by really slapping her. Then that would have been... That's a punk. They could have used... It's a punk.

You're right. I wasn't thinking on my feet. The logo can come in and stamp punked on her after she's been slapped. That's just battery, though. Yeah. Yeah, but... Not real clever. But neither is our acting, so fuck it.

I can't remember specifically what we was trying to do, but Shannon Elizabeth told Mila to come over. You were just trying to hit a celebrity. The premise of this was somebody hits a celebrity. I mean, that's what it turned into. So it didn't matter which celebrity got hit. I mean, that's what it turned into. Which celebrity got hit. That's what it should have turned into.

There was one where somebody was just supposed to. I don't remember. Somebody was a delivery man, and somebody just socked celebrity chef Paul Prude home in the gut. He just threw up Cajun spices. Just all over everywhere. Yep. Just a hot fountain of gumbo. It was hot gumbo fountain.

Crawfish all over. Crawfish. Holy mackerel. There was some mackerel too A little mackerel You should mention The man has a That's a very unique take on gumbo

A little mackerel in there Crawfish and mackerel If crawfish ain't bad enough There was some mackerel Nah nah nah My gumbo Crawfish I don't have an impression of Paul. No, you were doing great.

You should have fucking ran with that. I was on board. You shouldn't have bailed. You can do it again. I'll hear it. Go ahead. Do Paul Prodom saying I have mackerel gumbo. Can I just do Jeff Smith, the frugal gourmet?

Oh, yeah. But he has the same voice. Nah, nah, nah. I'm the frugal gourmet. Love it. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan Jesse Gaw. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ian Edwards comic, hanging out. That was a very...

He handled that very cool. Yeah, thanks for hanging out. It's great to have you hanging out. That was a very, he handled that very cool. Yeah, thanks for hanging out. It's great to have you hanging out here. Hey, sponsors on this week's program, of course, our good friends at Ask Metafilter. Thank you. Thousands of life's little questions answered. Online at ask.metafilter.com.

Ask Metafilter is the website that you can go to to ask basically any question that would ever need an answer. And you will actually get a decent answer from an intelligent person. And if you're too chicken shit to ask a question, you can just Google it on Ask Metafilter and you will find the answer to your question the answers this is a fucking you know about this you know about like your your websites where I'm not going to use any brand names here Ian but where where because they come up on

they come up when you when you when you're looking for how to get past a difficult part of Skyrim for it's serious shit yeah real shit you know about these websites the answers are always terrible the of Skyrim. For its serious shit. Yeah. Real shit. You know about these websites. The answers are always terrible. The difference with Ask Metafilter is the people there actually give a shit.

They're not just assholes on the internet. Anyway, I love Ask Metafilter. I'm very happy that they're sponsoring our program. So ask.metafilter.com. sponsoring our program so ask ask.metafilter.com um uh the nice thing about metafilter this is like uh our friend matt howie who owns metafilter this was his great genius idea that literally is what made metafilter what it is today uh to sign up for an account on metafilter, you have to pay five bucks. Five dollars. That five dollars isn't what makes his money.

It's not how he earns his money from people paying five dollars. The sole purpose of the five dollars is just... To keep out teen racists. Yeah, exactly. It's just to keep people from calling each other fag. Because while many, many people on the internet

want to call someone else a fag, they don't want to pay $5 for the privilege. And so if you institute that $5 rule, you're good as gold. Sure. Yeah, it is a wonderful website. Hey, up on the Jumbotron this week, chainclocks.com.

I took a look at chain clocks.com uh this is uh this is kind of amazing um these clocks are made out of i mean they're like electromagnetic um they're like oh like and like uh what do you call that electric and, and not engines, motors. Yeah. Electric motors, like AC motors that you plug into the wall, connected to gears and chains like you would find on a bicycle, with numbers welded and attached into the chains. It's very difficult to explain.

Yeah, they're pretty crazy looking. They're pretty beautiful, actually. Yeah, and they're pretty amazing. Anyway, they're pretty crazy looking. They're pretty beautiful, actually. They're pretty amazing. Anyway, they're really remarkable. I think they would fit in with your modern or industrial aesthetic, I would say. Definitely industrial. I think they're really cool looking. They're very reasonably priced as well.

They're online at chainclocks.com So you should go to chainclocks.com and check them out in fact you can get a 20 discount if you use the coupon code jj go when you check out so www.chainclocks.com he says you have to use the www uh use jj go and you'll get 20 off if you want to get up on the Jumbotron it's MaximumFun.org slash

Jumbotron it's cheap it's easy if you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, Go or any of our shows email Teresa

at MaximumFun.org you can advertise stuff made of chains as long as they're not restraints I think that's our rule Jordan hmm

I I think you should listen to My Brother, My Brother and Me in the coming months. I'm not going to spill any beans about upcoming sponsors on My Brother, My Brother and Me. Some sort of restraint company? Again, as I said, I'm not going to spill any beans. I apologize. I didn't know we as an beans. But... I'm sorry. I apologize. I didn't know we as an organization were pro-restraint.

We're neutral on the subject. Okay. I mean, I can get on board with it. I mean, I certainly like to be restrained sexually. Is that an offer? Yeah. I mean, not to you. But if there's any plump-faced women out there Plump-faced women Who want to restrain me

I'll take it We'll be back in just a second On Jordan Jesse Gossel It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, A pre-recording. I mean, what you're listening to is a recording. Yeah. Yeah. Ian is here making this recording. Doing it live. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, he made this recording live.

Right. That we're reacting to in real time for us. Right. So he's not here with us live. No. We should explain. No, no, no. Oh, God, no.

He recorded. Far too famous. He recorded a recording recording gave us a script but he took the time out of his life yes he did do that recording and to write the script right as well there you go and he was very generous to give us some great lines yep um which i really appreciate ian by the way by the way and you're a very handsome man oh thank you very much he had me say that as well yes Yes, I said the script. You got to say it.

Also, he sent us one of his T-shirts and a pair of his shoes to put on top of the tape recorder. So it would be more human. More like a person. Yeah. So you'd have some eye, something to, you know, like an eye visual, you know, something. Yeah. I like a good eye visual. And, you know, it was a good bonding experience for me and Jordan to spend the 12 to 16 hours it took to get the timing down to the point where we could do this live with the tape recorder.

You guys did a good job, man. Yeah. You know what helped a lot? When we switched out from the regular boom box to the Teddy Ruxpin. When we put the tape into the Teddy Ruxpin and put the hat on the Teddy Ruxpin, the shoes in front of the Teddy Ruxpin, that really helped me a lot. Yeah, when you had something to play off. Yeah. Teddy Ruxpin's a great straight man.

Well, you know what they say about Teddy Ruxpin, why he's such a giving performance partner? Teddy Ruxpin stays for the reverse. Just like Jack Nicholson. That's pretty inside baseball. Yeah. I've got some Paramount Punch humor. I'll do it later.

Paramount Punch. We've got... Ian, when something momentous happens to one of our listeners, we ask that they give us a call for a segment called Momentous Occasions. So we've got a couple of momentous occasions here. Let's give them a listen. All right. Hi, Jordan and Jesse.

This is Molly from Raleigh, North Carolina. I was just driving to work. And this is like a good-sized town, like 400,000 people. And I saw this... We know what Raleigh, North Carolina is. We're not that... I know we have recently been accused of coastal elitism, unfairly accused

of coastal elitism. Well, Raleigh... Well... Meh. Meh. Meh. Raleigh, North Carolina, it's...

I mean, you're talking about one of the big... You're talking about the... You're in the heart of the research triangle. Yes. Yeah. I just busted out some really north carolina knowledge kicked up run your teacher nice lady that's just trying to be helpful and i saw this man um holding a cup while a pig peed into it in the parking lot of a church along like a six lane road.

So I don't know what was going on there. Thanks. Bye. Wow. That's some Raleigh, North Carolina ass shit. I don't mean to get all coastal elitist. Yeah, I know. Fucking typical Raleigh. Just when you didn't want to be

coastal elitist. Some man's holding a cup and making a pig pee in it. Look, you got to tip your hat to the success of the Duke basketball Just when you didn't want to be Coastally elitist Typical Raleigh Making a pig pee in it Look you gotta tip your hat to the success of the Duke basketball team And everything Man that was some country ass shit Do you think that's part of their religious services? Do you think the pig pee is used

You know like For some sort of anointing? Yeah I mean when I think of the south There's the Baptists who handle the snakes. I think I know what it is. What? You know when you walk in your dog hair and use the plastic to pick it up? Sure, yeah.

When you walk in your pig in Raleigh. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. You have to clean up after your pig. You have to clean up after your pig. So you have to hold a cup. Yes. And then you take it like a shot.

Yeah. You're sure it's not a religious thing? Because I think that's worth pursuing. I think we should run a quick... You know, they have the Bible on the internet. We should run a quick check for he anointed him with urine. Urine. Let's just listen to some mustard plug songs.

That's how they pronounce the word in Bible times. And you've got to pronounce it right when you're typing it into the internet. By your rhyme. Otherwise, you're gonna be out of luck. That is a good one. The reason we have momentous occasions on this program is because we can learn what dummies are up to

in their stupid states. For jerks. You think this is somehow related to Sonics? Yeah, that's all like, yeah. I mean, surely a Sonic was involved somehow. That man will take that pig for some tots later. Some sort of weird lime Dr. Pepper

that we don't have out here. Someone clarified on our message board that some Sonics have roller skating waitresses and some Sonics don't have roller skating waitresses. If you're the owner of a Sonics franchise and your waitresses don't roller skate, shoot yourself. I feel robbed when I go to a Sonic

and there's no skaters. That is the biggest bullshit ever. That's the whole point. I ain't going there for the food. No. You know, Jesse, I think you're being too kind to these guys. I'm saying fuck the skates altogether. Put them on those hand pump railroad carts.

That would be nice. You know, that hobos escape with. That's fun. Have them bring your tots over on one of those hand pump railroad carts. What are those called? I don't know what they're called, but I saw some on American Pickers the other day. I'm not going to get too deep into this, Jordan, because I think this is a vein that we're going to need to mine on another program because it is so rich. Yeah, you don't want to make a passing reference to it.

But not only have I now watched every episode of American Pickers, but I've now started to watch Canadian Pickers. Canadian Pickers, but I've now started to watch Canadian Pickers. Canadian Pickers. Apparently in Canada, they just have their own version of a show where they just replace America with Canada. I just assume for every show. Yeah. I don't have any way to verify this.

They don't have lists of shows, I presume. Yeah. I haven't looked into it. In Canada, they have Canadian America's Got Talent. I saw the Canadian version of Game of Thrones. Yeah. Was it sexy? Just some Canadian people.

Shaking hands. Less power struggles. They're just hanging around. A lot less violence. There was less violence, but there was more sighing Yeah a lot more sighing To be fair And you know there was better health care

There wasn't big differences The people seemed to live longer There was non-violent Expressions of disappointment in each other More than there was Brutal beheadings Spoiler alert. Thanks a lot.

I still haven't seen... I'm still not done with season one of Canadian Game of Thrones. Hey Jordan, hey Jesse, and possible guests. I was listening to your most recent show, which is discussing once again secret sex parties. And I have had this a little bit of information for a while.

My roommate, his parents work, his parents are, what do you call it, convention organizers. What do you call that again? Can you remember what people who organize? All right. Convention organizers. Convention organizers. I'm sorry. This guy's good to call into our show.

But clearly not from California. Or else he would have known what that word is. Sonics. Convention organizers. They help carry around the celebrities. They watch after them. They get them their food and stuff. At conventions like your Comic Cons.

Yeah, he knows. Well, once a year year go to a convention which is a medical convention for convention holders which is a fact wait a minute i just want to say that we this is a great call i really appreciate it and i'm not trying to come down on this guy but and i genuinely appreciate it but it's okay to sit down and just take a second before you call in i feel like this guy's on his way to sonics he's jogging to sonics this guy is in the middle of a tornado or something he's like out of breath he's maybe he just found this shit out and he ran no it could be. No, it could be. We do encourage that. We do encourage immediate reporting. So let's...

I take it back. Benefit of the doubt goes to the caller. Tie goes to the caller. I apologize. Unless they're from Lincoln, Nebraska. Fucking Nebraska. Oh, boy. Oh, jeez. For convention holders, which is exactly a secret sex party, I should probably also add that

they're all Renfair workers. Thank you. Love the show. Bye. I should probably also add that they're all rent-fair workers. Thank you. Love the show. Bye. Wait, did he say that... ...for convention holders... I'm going back a little bit more. ...which is in fact a secret sex party.

They, once a year, go to a convention, which is a meta-convention for convention holders, which is in fact a secret sex party. I should probably also add that they're all... So he's saying that there's a convention for convention holders where there is a secret sex party? Which is a secret sex party. Hmm. He's saying it is a secret sex party.

And when he says conventions, I don't think he's talking about... One time I went to the podcasting convention, like the industry convention, you know, where... The sex party breakout? No, no. Well, Jordan is really deeply invested in the idea that various subcultural groups have these gatherings, and they're just excuses to have a secret sex party. And also that if he goes to them, he won't get invited to the secret sex party. Not enough chain mail.

Yeah. He won't, he won't, somehow won't match to whatever their standard is. Yeah, he won't know enough about model trains or whatever it is. He won't meet the standard. I would love someone to rocket a model train up my ass. Is Comic-Con an excuse for a sex party? I think that, you know, I think that, I think that comic conventions in general probably are.

I think the current state of Comic-Con is probably the people who want to, you know, have a costumed fuck fest or maybe saving it for, you know, Emerald City Comic-Con. Like a lesser Comic-Con.

I think that the diehards probably can't be bothered at this point. But in general, yes yes i think so so i once went to the podcasting convention and next door was what i would consider to be the ultimate industry convention the convention hall in uh what do you what do you get when you go east on the 10 you get more east more easternly no like what's what's the first thing that's there

oh like riverside or something no before you get to riverside it has its own airport it's the airport that we suggest people sometimes fly into before they go to... Yeah, Ontario, California. So this is like the furthest point from Los Angeles that you could still kind of claim is in the Los Angeles area. I think it's a 70-minute drive from Los Angeles. So the convention center has two areas. One is the Podcasting and New Media Expo. One is literally a convention for the porta potty business so i'm guessing i don't think so that way you can smell all the new stinks early the new 2012 stinks but i don't think that the i do't think that the, I do not think that the, like the real industry cons is what he's talking about.

I think that he's talking about specifically Comic-Con type things like fan cons, right? So this is the, the king, king, the nerd kings who run the conventions. Right. Have their own Game of Thrones, if you will. They have their own game of thrones if you will they have their own ghost protocol yeah where they all get together for you know i run one of these things get together for mustard plug-in some serious mustard plug-in which in this case involves, just involves hot dogs. Up the ass. That sounds amazing to me. Yeah.

At this point, I'm... Is the allure, is the shine off the rose? Is the old expression of the rose? Yeah, that old, yes. At this point, no, I want to hear like

specific stuff about these things now. I mean, I know they exist. That's why I'm so mad. Right. I kind of want to blow by blow, if you will. Right. Plug by plug.

Yeah, just a plug by plug. If someone wants to call in and plug their secret sex party. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, they're like, we need more pasty dudes to show up at the secret sex party. Let's advertise on a podcast. We just can't find, where are they?

Did you ever go to the website that you just advertised and asked how to join that type of shit? Oh, Metafilter. Do you think Metafilter would have some info on? It's a pretty vague question

to ask on Ask Metafilter, but. I can make it more specific. Okay. Think about how to craft it There's a way I'll just write costumed fuckfest? I'm sure I'll get some Type that in and we'll see what we can do I don't think that's a bad idea I might do that

I got five bucks You'd be surprised, there might be some local shit going on I'm keen to I think that what we really need is somebody who's been there and done that. And not... And specifically, just to narrow it down a little bit. I have a confession to make. What's that?

All right, so I was hanging out with this chick. Yeah. She was doing some research. Right. And she signed up for this class. It's in North Hollywood. Yeah. Right. And she signed up for this class. It's in North Hollywood. Yeah. Right.

And it's kind of like a seedy part of a good block, maybe Lancashire. I can't remember the street. But it was like Saturday afternoon, like 12. Yeah. And we park at the address and we go in and they open up the metal gate. What kind of research is she doing ian uh like sex shop type of research and shit and that's my type of research i want you to know that that's not a type of research but i'm gonna let it slide right i mean i'm not gonna argue with somebody

you want to go to this thing in the afternoon and And so it was basically like a dominatrix school. She's getting her doctorate in Ildanics. A dominatrix school? Yeah. Wow. And so the whole place has like different rooms and chambers and shit set up. And there was a party later on that night. And I guess they do it all the time.

shit set up and there was a party later on that night and i guess they do it all the time but the the chick who taught the class yeah it was like you can come back later but you have to be a member or know a member but the the dominatrix lady liked the girl i was with so she said she can come back and i'm like bitch i'm standing right here next to the bitch how rude those dominatrices can be so rude. Just because you got a whip and you're wearing leather, you can't talk to me like that. Or not talk to me like that. But I think, you know, they had like cages and all kinds of... Well, I think the issue is...

Saturday nights or whatever nights, it's on and popping over there. A couple of weeks ago on the show, we had Rob Corddry on the program. on the show we had rob cordray on the program and he told us that he was once drunk with his then girlfriend now wife in the west village in new york and there's a sex uh club there tons of them yeah there's many but uh it was you know a well-known sex club and they he sort of being curious about it sort of said to his girlfriend, you know, let's go in. It'll be fun. It'll be hilarious. You know, he went in and it was just eight fat dudes.

And, you know, and so the problem, ultimately, that dominatrix, when you say that she liked the chick that you were with, she just likes anything with a vagina. Right. Just if it has lady parts it's invited to the party right if it's got a weenus well yeah if it's got a weenus then

no yeah it's not happening right i think that's ultimately because here's the thing we did on this program talk to someone who belongs to an orgy club in the Pacific Northwest where they travel to a mansion in the woods where there are mattresses on the ground and everyone has a fuck fest, which was very interesting, a very pleasant person. I mean, Jordan's got an open invitation.

I'm spoken for, but Jordan has an open invitation, which is great. What are you waiting for, Jordan's got an open invitation. I'm spoken for. But Jordan has an open invitation, which is great. What are you waiting for, Jordan? But there's the added... My dick to get bigger. I'm embarrassed. I think it'll have a growth spurt, though. I got news for you.

It's only going to get smaller. Go now. Yep, you're right. I am leaving now. You've been taking those pills you got down at the pharmacy on, Pigueroa, right? Yeah, you know, those actually turned out to be grasshoppers You've been taking those pills you got down at the pharmacy on Figueroa, right? Yeah, you know, those actually Those turned out to be grasshoppers dipped in chili powder

They're pretty good Not doing anything for my dick, though The thing that we're ultimately most interested in Is not so much the sex club as the other thing club that turns out to actually be an excuse for. Because I, yeah, I mean, I think. You see what we're saying? You lost me for a second.

I definitely like, you know, like I'm definitely interested in the idea of, you know, like dominatrixes and stuff like that. And I think that's all fascinating and crazy. I'm fascinated by that stuff, too, man. But I like the idea... I'm hard as a diamond right now. Fascinatingly hard. I like the idea of just...

In my mind. My intellect. My mind boner. My intellect is engorged. Engorged. Yeah, I have an engorged medulla oblongata. I like the idea of, like, you know, people getting together for a comic book convention or, you know, those Star Wars things where everyone dresses up like a stormtrooper.

Right. And them getting together and doing that in the daytime and then then them all going and fucking each other later i think that is that i it right they're doing it yeah we all know because just tell us about it if it's if it's on the surface it's about fucking then well sure then it's just then it's a fuck club. Right. But if they go through this whole thing where it's about this other thing, but they're keeping it secret, the thing that Jordan has his hooks into is that they're keeping it secret from him that they're all fucking at night.

So Jordan actually wants to approach this the way a woman approaches sex. Uh-huh. Where... It's a complicated game. It's a complicated game. And she wants to unpack something. Yes. Yeah, he wants to...

Uh-huh. Yeah, he wants to play... He's a cat that wants to play with a mouse. Right. When it comes to orgies, he thinks like a woman. It's true. And decorating, too. Those two areas.

Those two areas of my life. We have one more momentous occasion here. All right. Jordan, Jesse, go. What's up? I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. Not much. Thank you for your call.

So in December, I woke up and half my face was paralyzed. I couldn't move it at all. Apparently, it's temporary. It could take anywhere from two weeks to never to get better. So today I woke up and blinked for the

first time in four months. That is not momentous. That's good. Congratulations on your blink. That is a great blink. Celebrate by going to see Blink-182. They were on that tour. That's good. Congratulations on your blink. That's a great blink. Yeah. Celebrate by going to see Blink-182. They were on that tour. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

They are there with primitive radio gods and the crystal method. That's a little wrong. Anyway. I was trying to think of a 90s thing. I don't really know about those things. Yeah. That's okay. Bush.

Bush. Let's go around the room. Silver chair. Come on, guys. Help me out here. I think you know most of them. Yeah, that's okay. Bush. Bush. Let's go around the room. Silver chair. Come on, guys. Help me out here. I think you know most of them. Yeah. MOP.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Oh, what about I Like Girls Who Wear Abercrombie & Fitch Chinese Food Makes Me Sick? Oh, LFO. They made a song with MOP. Terrific.

That is the best thing about the 90s. When LFO a song with MOP. Terrific. That is the best thing about the 90s. When LFO teamed up with MOP. The time that LFO teamed up with MOP and wondering whether MOP signed up for it for the money or just because they like other groups with acronym names. Yeah, like if they would have been down with anybody that had a three-letter acronym name. Come on, let's get it going again. Big Head Todd and the Monsters.

Come on, everybody. Help me out here. I'm going. Keep going. Yeah. You're doing great, Jordan. Thanks, guys. I really want to encourage you.

You're really doing a wonderful job. Garbage. Come on. Yeah, good. Nine-inch nails. You're better than a wonderful job Garbage, come on Nine inch nails What else? M.O.P. Thank you, good Nice one, Jesse Yeah, you did

I think I've mainly listed all the 90s bands Tonic, Cake Does B-52s count? No, they don't count at all it's terrible i didn't think it was horrible you know that was worse than when i said mop that's all at least mop are actually from the 90s that's all mop did not fit the theme but they are from the 90s aqua that's all i had i told you i wasn't good at this one yeah Yeah, that's okay. This is terrible. You're a fucking embarrassment, Ian. I'm the only one who's good at this.

We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ian Ebb was hanging out. First of all, I want to thank the we blew past our goal of a thousand new donors in the max fun drive um i would like to thank each and every one of those people personally so i have a list in front of me i'm going now thank you to bush tonic sugar ray uh sublime toad the wet sprocket there you go was it love it yes b-52s wait wait jordan

semi-sonic terrific a guy from semi-sonic went to the church that i used to work at and he wrote a really nice book about being in semi-sonic called so you want to be a rock star nice he was a great guy a great guy anyway the refreshments is that is that something yeah they wrote the king of the hill theme song oh yeah i love king of the hill this is a fun show oh my god anyway i just have the names of bands that i say while i clap we just well i mean usually it's either me just saying the names of bands that I say while I clap. Well, I mean, usually it's either me just saying the names of guys that played for the Giants or the A's in 1989, or me saying the names of Bay Area rappers from the mid-1990s. So, you know, it's a refreshing change of pace for our audience. You saying 1990s alternative rock band names is actually in our audience's wheelhouse.

This actually is something they will recognize and and they're like at home nodding their heads like oh yes these are names i recognize i don't know i feel like people love the baseball shit i feel like you get i feel like all the little references people all the times i see people like talking to you on the internet it's about like what about this funny baseball name j, there are 12 people in our audience that like sports and three people in our audience that like rap music. You know, I feel like I will. And this is maybe a topic that I'm bringing up at the end of the show. I feel like.

Do you think this is going to be as rich and deep and powerful as this American Pickers, Canadian Pickers thing that I want to get into sometime? I feel like the sports averse nerd is a thing of the past. I feel like every nerd I know is super into... Not every nerd I know, but I feel like... When I think about my friend group, which is nerds, they are... As many of them are into sports or is not into sports, I think the aggressive-towards-sports nerd is over. Really? I don't think it's a thing anymore. Wow. I think the aggressive towards sports nerd uh is over i

think it's really i don't think it's a thing anymore you know i think some jocks became nerds yeah or they just grow up as nerds now as opposed to i think the line is the line is blurred well listen definitely as a jock myself i just wanted to say that anyway Anyway, our thanks to the... We blew the lid off of our goal of 1,000 new donors. Special thanks to every single one of you who donated, every single one of you who has continued your donation, every single one of you who has increased your donation. We could not appreciate it more.

It's what pays all of our bills here at MaximumFun.org. So you are absolutely tremendous. I've got just a huge pile of blondies to bake for Blondie Brigade members. We've got a lot of... We've got thousands of thank you gifts to mail out. So thank you very much. And we hope you enjoy the bonus content and you are the best. You are absolutely the best. All of our listeners are totally 100% top. So thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. And we're going to have a really, really

cool fucking meetup. Oh, yeah. May 10th. Our friends at This American Life, my brothers and sisters in public radio distribution at PRI are doing a live show in New York that will be live broadcast to movie theaters around

the country so we decided that we would do a special meetup for this show so it's May 10th it's in movie theaters all over everywhere here in Los Angeles. Me and Jordan and Aaron Gibson and Brian Safi are going to be hosting a meetup at the,

the, we will be attending the showing at the Burbank 16. And then we'll be going out for drinks somewhere afterwards. Keep your eyes on the website. It might, I suggest. Yes. I think I,

I have not been to this particular movie theater, but I think I can picture where it is. Yep. If it's close, meet up at Buffalo Wild Wings. Really? Yeah. You're suggesting Buffalo Wild Wings? Oh yeah, be dub-dub. Of course I am. If it's Thursday, it'll be Boneless Thursdays. Are they open

at night? Boneless. Oh, they're totally, oh yeah. Buffalo Wild Wings, I mean, you know, they, yeah, you want to party at Buffalo Wild Boneless. Oh, they're totally... Oh, yeah. Buffalo Wild Wings. I mean, you know, they... Yeah, you want to party at Buffalo Wild Wings. Okay. Well, then it sounds like Buffalo Wild Wings. Get some Bud Light Platinums. Are you going to be the one who breaks it to Brian and Aaron that we're going to have our meet-up at Buffalo

Wild Wings? Oh, I think... Knowing Brian, I think Brian will be on board. Okay. So then we'll... Aaron, fucker. Okay. So then it's settled... Aaron, fucker. Okay. So then it's settled. Buffalo Wild Wings afterwards. If it's actually close.

It might not actually be. And also, we don't have to go there. Well, we'll have it on the website, MaximumFun.org, probably by the time you listen to this. But here's the other thing. We're also going to have meetups around the country. So go to the forum if you want to host a meetup. We're going to to have meetups around the country. So go to the forum. If you want to host a meetup, we're going to try and have some, like, cool stuff, you know, maybe like a video message from us. I'll Skype in.

You know, that kind of thing. But if you want to host a meetup wherever you live, post in the forum thread about it. And if we get two or three people that want to do it, then we'll put it on the official calendar for what theater you're going to be at and where you're going to have the meetup. And then we'll announce them on Jordan Jesse Go and on our other shows and et cetera, et cetera, on Twitter, all around. So we're hoping to at least get six or eight of these things all around the country and in places where we've had successful meetups. I was just in Minneapolis and we had 40, 45 people at that meetup.

So I'm sure that there's a couple dozen people in Minneapolis, in D.C., and other places, you know, Portland, where we've had huge meetups. And speaking of which, Jordan, you're going to be in Portland this weekend for Bridgetown. Yeah, I'm going to be at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival this weekend. Gosh, I'm frantically trying to bring it up on my phone. I should have had my dates. Actually, Jesse, you have a computer there. I got it here. Your meetup is

April 13th at the Spaceroom Lounge. April 13th at the Spaceroom Lounge, and you can find all of the information at the Bridgetown website, or just go to Maximum, not for the meetup, but for Jordan's shows, or go to MaximumFun.org and

click on the meetup in the live shows area to find out all the information for meeting up on Jordan's thing. Yeah, please. I would love it if everyone would come to my comedy shows. I'm also be moderating a panel on Saturday afternoon. But yeah, the meetup is Friday night. It's at a place called the Space Club. Yeah, absolutely.

The Space Club Lounge. Friday night at 9, Space Club Lounge. That's the long and the short of it. Please come. It looks like Jordan's on a show called Mystery Guest Thursday night. He's on the Humor Code Saturday afternoon. That's the panel. That's the panel.

And also taking place in that panel, you got a Pete Holmes, you got a Maria Bamford. Oh, that's nice. And then Saturday night, he's at the Tabor Lounge. So great lineup there. Go see Jordan. But May 10th, all over the country. Just post in the forum if you want to host a meetup. Say what theater you're going to and where you want to have the meetup afterwards.

And we will recognize... We should all meet at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's across the country. I'm sure everyone has a Buffalo Wild Wings near their movie theater. And Ian Edwards, it has just been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you so much for coming by and joining us. My pleasure, man. A lot of fun, fellas.

Ian, you can catch him all around the country performing stand-up comedy. He is on Twitter at IanEdwardsComic. Yep. And you can find him on the worldwide internet web at IanEdwardsComedy. Yep. And you can find him on the worldwide internet web at IanEdwardsComedy.com Comedian.com Excuse me, IanEdwardsComedian.com

where you can find his stand-up comedy dates and whatnot. Website, all that shit. It has been a delight. If you guys don't mind, I gotta hit Google

real quick and watch some Lyricist Lounge clips. Yeah. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. Everybody check it out.