Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 221: J3G with Dave Holmes

Episode Date: April 23, 2012

Dave Holmes is a Vegas voyeur and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, we're joined by the legendary Mr. Dave Holmes,

who brightens everyone's day, as he always does, with tales of Las Vegas and more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, it's a beautiful day in Southern California. We're soaking up rays here. Boy, I'm having a little bit of a hard time recognizing the beautiful day because I'm about to have to do something kind of difficult.

Whoa, I was not expecting this. What's up, Jordan? Do we want to introduce our guest before? Because this is... Right, yeah, okay. So don't save this. I'm literally sick. Right, so bottle it up. I'm worried about... I'm concerned about this because I had no idea that this was coming. So let's just introduce our guest. I'll tell you what. I looked at our calendar and realized we did not have a guest scheduled earlier this week. And I said, I was exhausted. I said to myself, what guest would most delight me?

What guest would make me the happiest were that guest available to come on Jordan Jesse Go? What guest would buoy my spirits the most? Only one name came to the fore. That was Jimmy Pardo, but he's allergic to... No. That's fine. That's fair. It was the great, the great Mr. Dave Holmes. Thank you very much. Hi, guys.

Oh, Dave Holmes, host of most television programs. I have one. As well as several. One. We can round that down to one. Well, I'm talking historically. Okay, all right. I'm talking, you've hosted upwards of 16 television programs. Several. Several.

And there's only been approximately 25 in the history of television. That's true. So between you and Steve Allen. Right. Thank God he's dead. Oh, I was like thrilled the day he died. thank god he's dead I was like thrilled the day he died the eras I would say that

the history of television has essentially gone Steve Allen Regis Dave Holmes no Dick Clark huh the fuck that guy I don't mean to speak ill of the dead no Dick Clark he can suck on a lemon except that he can't

because he's passed on he's in a better place. Dead, dead, dead. You know, his death inspired me to look up the clip of Prince on American Bandstand for the first time when he was 19. Oh. When the first Prince album came out. And he did I Want to Be Your Lover. And Prince was like fully Prince.

Is this permanent stash Prince? Yeah. He had a stash and like just luxurious luxurious Farrah Fawcett hair. And this is not going to work on the radio, but I'm going to say it anyway. Dick Clark is like, so you've been shopping around your demo for a long time. How long? And Prince just goes like that and holds up four fingers and makes a Prince face. And it's like this is the first time he was ever on TV.

So it's like you were just always like that, Prince. I was also poking around with some Dick Clark clips and saw him interviewing Michael Jackson's pet monkey. Oh. And the monkey was wearing overalls and handed Dick Clark a message from Michael Jackson. Oh, come on. Like, for a moment when you said that, I wondered whether Bubbles came out with a single. Because there was a moment that anything Michael Jackson related just exploded. Right. Latoya Jackson.

Right. Reby Jackson. Sure. Right. Rockwell featuring Michael Jackson. Like, anything that he touched turned to gold in, like, 1983 to 84. Right. Right?

Oh, absolutely. I mean, my dad had the Latoya Jackson Playboys. Oh, wow. Which were a real roller coaster for me. I bet. Because Pretty Hot Bod faces essentially Michael Hot Bod Faces essentially Michael Jackson And did he know that you knew that he had them? I think so, yes

Yeah, yeah, yeah I think my dad maybe When I was coming of age Maybe left them out You know, he hid them less Than he would normally To set up a PB&J type situation Right What year would that have been? When was up a PB&J type situation. Right.

What year would that have been? When was that? Oh, boy. Latoya Jackson and Playboy. I don't know. Maybe I was 11, 12. It's like a 92, 94. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. Boy, sorry. God, we're having so much fun, and I don't want to bring this down. But I... It sounds like you really got something weighing on you. I've just been sick over this. but I... It sounds like you really got something weighing on you. I've just been sick over this.

I'm going to have to do something that all journalists hate to do, and I consider what we do journalism. Certainly. It's a kind of journalism of the heart. And I have to issue a retraction. Oh, wow. I made an error on last week's show.

Oh, no. Wow. And it's a pretty significant one. And we don't usually, I mean, typically, like most podcast errata columns, we will usually run our errata at the end of the program. This is clearly important. Yeah. So, Dave, for your benefit,

last week we got a call from a listener who said they went to see American Reunion and in American Reunion... I would like to apologize for that person's two hours. Maybe it's great, I don't know. I just... I have my doubts. Yeah.

And while he was in the movie theater, he saw two, a man and a woman on a date. And the man started to finger, you know, finger bang, finger blast, whatever you want to call it. Sure, sure. The woman. Jesse then opened it up to the guest and I and asked if either of us had ever finger banged-blasted or whatever you want to call it. If we had ever fingered anyone in a movie theater. Finger-boinked. Finger-boinked?

Yeah. How whimsical. If you're in mixed company. If grandma's in the room. That honestly sounds like a Steve Allen jazz album. Finger-boinked. Anywho. That's actually one of his detective novels.

Somebody named Boink was framed for a quote. Yeah. All right. That's actually one of his detective novels. And I said... Somebody named Boink was framed for a quote. Yeah. All right. I said that I had not. Mm-hmm. In my mind, I had not. Several days after that episode went up,

I was contacted by someone from my past... Yes. ...who said, I heard that episode. Do you remember the time when you fingered me in a movie theater? That person was the ghost of Steve Allen. I can still smell the ectoplasm on my digits. Oh, golly. So I just want to issue an apology, not only to the person who was probably hurt that I didn't remember, but also just to the audience for what was essentially lying to them.

You misrepresented yourself. And I'm sorry. And I can only hope to earn back your trust gradually if you decide to keep listening. And I – but I understand. I'm glad that's out there. Yeah, yeah. So I have fingered someone in a movie theater. Great. May I, you know, but I understand. I'm glad that's out there. Yeah, yeah. So I have fingered someone in a movie theater.

Great. May I ask what the movie was? Do you remember? You may not. She remembers. I think that's all I want to say on the matter. I don't want to...

Would you be revealing too many details? It was Amistad. It was. That person was a young Jaimon Honsu. And we were at the premiere and I said, Jaimon, you're going to be a star. And I just slipped him in.

May I stimulate your prostate? He was wearing the cutest little sundress. Oh, good. Okay, I feel feel better we can start goofing around now refreshed i'm yeah i feel like i feel like a new man i mean i'm i'm there's part of me that's embarrassed there's part of me that you know wishes that it never happened but you know it a weight has been lifted there's a small part of you that's braggy sure little a little so that i that i accomplished the most minor of sexual conquests well this probably happened when you were young i'm assuming sure this isn't recent yeah 27 28 yeah and my fresh face yeah so yeah i mean yeah i mean i guess it's a brag

but i think it's it's along the lines of you know my middle school teacher bent down in home room and i saw it's a no it's it's more than that i'm sorry i don't mean to all right you know but yeah because she's listening again sure no i know oh boy i'm just getting i'm just digging i'm digging the hole deeper i don't mean to but it was probably great sure for both of you yeah your middle school teacher my middle middle school teacher. Steve Allen. Steve Allen. Can I tell you? The man does it all.

I went to Las Vegas. This goes back a few months. And I'm a big fan of the cosmopolitan. I was never a Vegas guy, but all of a sudden I go to the cosmopolitan because it's a great hotel and casino. I don't want to break up your story, but I like the idea that you want to set this up as, I went to Las Vegas. This goes back a few months. When Vegas was Vegas.

Yes. Back when Bugsy Siegel and his mugs were running gin. We're talking 2011. This was a golden age. Yeah, when a man was a man. Right. He didn't have all this Coney business to worry about.

Yeesh. So they... When a Coney was still an old-timey word for a hot dog. Yeah, and the Coney himself, he could do whatever he wanted. He could assemble his kid armies in peace. Right, exactly. Without all these youngsters hashtagging

him all day. Oh, God. So, wait, Dave, just to clarify. Yes. The Cosmopolitan, I think I've seen the ads for this. Terrible ads. Yes. This is the hotel chain where their slogan is, just the right amount of wrong. That is correct.

That is correct. And then they'll kind of, the ads will have like, you know, a man bathing a deer. Right. Yeah. Do not let those ads deter you. Sure. There are not rabbits on the elevator. It's not crazy.

It's not corny. But what's great is that it's – I hate Las Vegas. But this particular place is great because the casino is kind of small and it has windows and you can tell what time of day it is and you're not filled with despair when you walk through it. It's like – it's nice. spare when you walk through it. It's nice. And they have bands, decent bands playing just in the casino at night. Like Chairlift and

Jenny Lewis and just people. It's like, yeah, kind of, not huge names, but names. And you don't have to pay. You just can watch them. Sure. Can you listen to a Jenny Lewis while you're waiting in line for the buffet? There is no buffet. Which is also, actually, there probably is,

but I haven't been to it. It's an ironic buffet. Right, it's a totally, yeah. You get scoops of clown meat, and you ride on a... Tender clown meat. Yep, and you ride on a trolley. But they also have balconies, which is also

sort of a rare thing, and the balconies overlook there are a couple different pools. This is because of the suicides that they're rare i guess probably yeah uh and this i guess this was supposed to have been uh like a building of condos but the the builder went broke and now the bank owns it and they turn it into a casino so so all the rooms have like kitchenettes and balconies and bedrooms and stuff and they're nice so anyway so we're we're looking over one of the pools and like and there are the little private cabanas around the pool that you can like rent for the day and get bottle service and shit so we're we're looking over one of those and it's sort of it's that like it's after

the daytime pool time but it's before going out time it's like the sun's going down and there's a couple in the hot tub near one of the cabanas and the guy is just straight up finger blasting this girl and like you can see the elbow going back and he's not it's not gentle he's not happy about it not at all elbow involved oh totally like he's just you can just this is a full-on blast oh it is a blast they're having a blast having a total blast and her head is lolling back and and whatever and it's great and then she sort of does this weird and then i'm awkward and a mime is feeding her shrimp yeah yeah yeah it's totally whimsical and a seagull is bringing them a robe down on him in this weird like because they're

like it's anyway we're maybe 10 stories above what we can totally tell bonnie prince billy is playing on a stage not 15 feet away yep so anyway it is absolutely fucking fantastic so everyone in my party is just sort of standing on a balcony watching it happen because it's fascinating. Having some Cheetos. Right? Yeah. Finally, he finishes. Going to pelt them with pieces of mini bar Toblerone. Why not? So he finishes on her. Wait, wait. So wait.

I think I – oh, God. Lord, I think I missed a bit of this. So the fingering turned into her kind of blowing him. And then back and forth and back and forth. Wow. Well, that's nice. It's nice. Yeah, they seem like very giving lovers. Absolutely. Yeah, tender. You can tell they knew each other. Okay. And then back and forth and back and forth. Wow. Well, that's nice. It's nice. Yeah, they seem like

very giving lovers. Absolutely. Yeah, tender. You can tell they knew each other. Sure. Right. So blowing also had a lot of elbow action.

A lot of elbow. You can't hear it, but she was also saying, choo-choo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's making kind of a locomotive. This whole thing was

sort of like a Patrick Ewing under the hoop. I don't know what that is. A lot of elbows. I recognize that as a sports reference, hoop i don't know what that is i recognize that as a sports reference yeah i don't know what that means throwing bows okay yeah bows were being thrown he uh finishes on her she goes into the hot tub rinses herself off which is awful yeah and then he you're probably getting more semen on you yeah yeah the las vegas hot tub uh he pulls pulls her toward him for a hug and then looks up and gives us a thumbs up. Yay! It was really heartwarming. Oh, man.

It was really heartwarming. I know where I'm staying next time I go to Vegas. Yeah, it's great. It's great. Don't let that stop you. It's a terrific place. Okay. That's a really beautiful story, Dave.

Isn't that gorgeous? That is absolutely lovely. And then we went to see Ben Folds that night out by the pool. Oh. What? That's where they have their concerts. Come on. It's great. That is so nice. It's heaven. Do you think that this finger blast slash

blowjob slash cum shower was organized by the hotel like the Jenny Lewis concert? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Like they just the right amount of wrong. Maybe like they allegedly do at the Standard over the High Line in New York. Do they organize sex? Well,

it has been alleged that they because there's that park that goes under the new Standard, the new-ish Standard, I guess in New York, and people were fucking in the windows. And it was always very beautiful people fucking in the windows, apparently. And so it was alleged that maybere balazs or whatever that guy's name is hired models much like he did on the one in on sunset with like the the the aquarium with a

model reading a book right like that this is just the next yeah the next step of the next step up model in an aquarium yeah wow and i think that's where, did you see Shame? I did, yes. That, I think, is where they have their little midday sort of thing, he and that lady. Oh, sure. He's in that hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. So you think that it's a sexy hotel. A little bit of buzz marketing. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Interesting.

Yeah. You think the standard, you think sex. Yeah. You think people in glass boxes. You think Michael Fassbender. Mm-hmm. You think Ben.

I always think Michael Fassbender. Ben Folds? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah? I always think Michael Fassbender. Ben Folds? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. I think there's a lot of ladies out there who would like to get on with a Ben Fold. I'm sure. Why not?

Ben Folds was a nice guy. He was on the Sound of Young America one time. He was a real nice guy. Oh, yeah. I love that guy. Oh, I love that guy. Travels with his own piano. Really?

Yeah. Create it up. Take it to the next stop. Create it up. Send it out. Good for him. He actually told me, now this is going to get you guys hard as a rock, that he traveled with his own piano before they had roadies, that he would travel with his own piano when

he had to push his piano on stage and push it back into a van or a truck or something. That totally tracks. Like a cargo van. That absolutely makes sense with what I think of him. Yeah, because I guess places just don't have a piano on hand, right? No. And you don't want to just have to rely on renting a piano. No, it could be.

And even if they did have a piano on hand, you don't know what it sounds like. You don't know if they tuned it in forever. You don't know if it's going to be the right kind of piano a man comes you want a good with his piano you want a good piano sure absolutely you're gonna play some ben fold songs on there i listened to the ben the ben folds five album the first ben folds five album so much that was that came out like the year like my first year in new york when i was out of college whatever and ever amen no it was the one before Okay. I listened to it so much that my roommates hid it from me.

Regularly. I think I have, I think I own three copies of that CD because I thought that I lost it but it was just, it was under a couch

somewhere because I literally, if you can wear out a CD, I wore out a CD. They should throw Ben Folds on the lineup of that utterly perplexing 1990s nostalgia tour.

Which one is that? Which one are we talking about last week? Yeah, there's a 90s nostalgia tour going around this summer, and it has. And I might be getting the lineup kind of wrong, or I might be mixing the lineups of two nostalgia tours. One of them is the Camper Van Beethoven band. Yeah, one of them involves Cracker, and that's about as credible as it gets. And then from there, you're going Sugar Ray,

Bare Naked Ladies, Gin Blossoms. Okay. But here's the question. But here's the question. Dave, if anyone that we know could help us discern what's going on in the world of 1990s alternative rock, it's Dave Holmes. Well, it's apparently. Right?

All right. I have a lot of questions about pavement. Okay. This is something that came up last week on the program, and I think you can help us figure out what the fuck is going on here. Right? So, specifically the gin blossoms. Uh-huh. This is the thing that we're talking about. Because we were both, when the gin blossoms hit This is the thing that we're trying.

Because we were both, when the gin blossoms hit, we were both 11 years old. Oh, my God. So, we... Wow. Or specific, I guess that's actually not true. I was 12 and Jordan was 11, or I was 11 and Jordan was 10. The only gin blossoms I knew about were the ones that my dad came home with before he hit me. My dad's a lovely man.

He never laid a hand on me. We know about porn and booze. Yeah. He left nude LaToya Jackson photos where I could find them. Yeah. A lovely man. I just thought that would be funny to say.

So here's the question. Yes. So I have a pretty good understanding of what Sugar Ray is. Yeah. Right? Because Sugar Ray became famous when I was 16 or 17, I think. Right. Right.

And they, they, if I recall correctly, changed completely. Like they had an album that was like, you know, Orange County, like, skate punky kind of stuff, and then immediately, like, they had that one song, Fly, that got huge, and then it was just like, every song has to be that now, and then it became this crazy pop band. Sure, I think maybe... They still had a bunch of tattoos and crazy piercings and all that. Yeah, yeah.

That is also what I understand. Yeah. Oh, okay. I have a hard time... Okay, then I don't have a as sophisticated... I have a hard time distinguishing between the two things that you just listed. Yeah. But, okay. I have a hard time... Okay, then I don't have a sophisticated... I have a hard time distinguishing between the two things that you just listed. Yeah. But yes.

I mean, it's sort of like... I understand that there was two no-doubt things, one that had more ska in it, but... Yeah. I know that's a thing, but it's all... Sugar Ray makes you speechless. Yeah. Okay. So we know what that...

The point is, we know what that is. And because of the fact... And I have some vague understanding of what Cracker is. Because of the fact that we went to UC Santa Cruz, and in Santa Cruz, Camper Van Beethoven are gods because they're from there. Okay. And so Camper Van Beethoven are sort of like the REM of Santa Cruz.

All right. You know what I mean? Because- What REM is to Athens, Georgia. Yeah. Yeah. So Camper Van Beethoven are to Santa Cruz. Right.

And that would have been just before my college experience. Yeah. So Camper Van Beethoven are to Santa Cruz. Right. And that would have been just before my college experience. Okay. Camper Van Beethoven was sort of bubbling up. And I understand that Cracker, while they had some big pop hits, they retained at least some of their rootsy rootsy alt rock credibility well cracker is camper van beethoven yeah right oh i didn't know i didn't know it was completely but no it's not completely okay it's like there's like one or two different yeah and i used to know who they were and i don't even gotcha but yeah but it's like i think the difference is the difference is mainly that cracker had a huge hit song and a couple of minor hit songs.

Right, right, right, right. Camerovan Beethoven had Take the Skinheads Bowling. Right. So we've got... Nothing against that song. I think I've got that under control. And so I'm already a little uncomfortable with this 90s nostalgia tour.

Why? Because they don't fit right together. The demos don't work right. But then the Gin Blossoms part is the part that is genuinely... Because I genuinely do not know the level of credibility of the gin blossoms. I don't know... Because to me, the gin blossoms are just a thing I remember that my white people friends liked when i was 11 yeah blind melon would be another example of this yeah i okay the way that i see it i i love counting crows without other hits

yeah yeah yeah well no gin blossoms had like one or two albums okay that were legitimately good albums i i don't i don't know anyone who owned the Blind Melon album. I'm sure they're out there and sold well. But we tend to remember them for that one song. Right. And then the guy died. Right. But the Gin Blossoms were... I'm trying to think who now I would liken them to.

Because there must be a current equivalent to the Gin Blossoms. I just can't think of it right now. A$AP Rocky. Yeah. Okay. Maybe even almost Almost too parallel Plain White Tees

Maybe Also kind of Punk band Who had the ballad That went big And then went all ballad Yeah but no Gin Blossoms were never a punk band

They were just They were like Who am I thinking of out there Just a good like pop rock band Isn't What Gosh Anyways

Sorry And they sort of led They kind of led us to Hootie and the Blowfish Okay Not to Not to blame them Pre-Hootie Yeah it was It was like in the two or three years Before Hootie And it was that sort of Southern-y kind of led us to Hootie and the Blowfish. Okay. Not to blame them.

Pre-Hootie. Yeah, it was. It was like in the two or three years before Hootie, and it was that sort of southern-y kind of power pop-y kind of... Okay. And it was good. New Miserable Experience is their first album, and it's great. It's really good. I love it. And I would totally see them. Yeah, maybe it's a case... I think it's a case of just when you get far enough away from something,

you know, those distinctions just become less and they become about the era. So I think if you had an 80s night at the Santa Anita racetrack, 80s night at the Santa Anita racetrack would probably have Flock of Seagulls and Fishbone. Yeah, oh, totally.

Those two fan bases could not be more opposed when both of them were popular. But it's just, yeah, all those people are alive now. Right. Yeah, it'd be like Berlin and Striper. Right. And two of Blondie. That is such a bizarre phenomenon to me. I absolutely can't.

What I want to know, but I just don't understand who goes to that. I guess. I totally understand why a band would do it. It's because it's the best paid gig that is offered to them. They can go and they can play a

venue that's twice as big as the venue that they normally play and they get a nicer bus. So, fine. Go for it it i have no objection to them doing it right it's what you do i but what they do who are the bands but is it just is it just people that just go to a concert i think so yeah i think so i think it's people in their 40s, which I know I am. Most people in their 40s, though, are like – You don't look a day over 30. Thank you. But most people in my stage are like –

Probably a few years over 30. And don't live in L.A. and don't get out to concerts every five minutes. So when something comes to town and they recognize a name, they're like, we'll go do that. Yeah. and they recognize a name, they're like, we'll go do that. Exactly. Yeah, so I think

if you are a young married in Toledo, and yeah, I think it is, and you know, two nights a month are date night, and you recognize

a couple of these bands. Yeah, so I like two of their songs, Let's Go. You got fingered in a car while one week was playing. Yep. And you're down to spend, like, concert tickets are crazy expensive. Let's go. You got fingered in a car while one week was playing. Yep.

Oh, man. And you're down to spend, like, concert tickets are crazy expensive. Especially for something like that. You could have, like, 50 bucks or something. Oh, sure. You know, now, I don't see where Bare Naked Ladies fits into that. Yeah, that is also a really active, like, they still tour a bunch. Yes. And, like, sell places out.

They perform every year at the Canadian Grammys. I'm sure they do. I'm sure they do. Them and Nickelback. Really? Yeah, yeah. Nickelback totally always just plays at the Canadian Grammys. What are they called?

The Canadian Grammys have their own name. They're called the Crammies. Oh, excuse me. Oh, I like that. The Canuckies. They are the, what are they? They're called the Junos. Oh, sure, sure.

Right, yeah. And it's like Anne Murray And Luba And them Right It's snow usually Oh it's snow

Some 41 will occasionally Get involved But you know They always bring a bad element If you get some 41 You're gonna get some You're gonna get some Rabble rousers

I think at this point It's just It's just a 75 minute Drake concert Sure Oh right He was Canadian isn't he? Yeah, I think that's what the Juno Awards are these days.

I was in Griffith Park the other day, and we passed by the Greek. And coming in early May is Journey and Styx and REO Speedwagon and Ted Nugent. Right. I mean, it's just a list of bands. You know, that made sense to me up till nugent yeah nugent although maybe maybe nugent sticks makes sense journey sticks i don't think makes sense okay uh yeah definitely he is the one that does not belong it's especially now you know what is an la crowd gonna do with a ted nugent sure after this week you know what i mean where he was

like i i don't remember what he said. Didn't he allude to maybe he's planning on killing or harming the president? I think I'm paraphrasing, but I think he said something like, I'm going to blow President Obama's head off

with my dick. It was something like that. Yeah, I mean, you might be, he might have said cock. He might have said explode the head. But I do think he did.

I'm going to piss in his mouth so hard it's going to blow his head. Or something like that. It was something. Right, depending on who you ask. Yeah, did. I'm going to piss in his mouth so hard it's going to blow his head or something like that. It was something. Right. Depending on who you ask. Yeah. Right.

We should go to the AP wire. Okay. Let's go look that up. To see specifically what he wanted to do. Let's do some fact checking. Yeah. No, I wonder. Yeah.

It seems to me Nugent's a liability now. Right. I mean, maybe not in. Right. Maybe not in another place. Yeah. I want to hear his between song banter in an LA. You know what I mean?

Where a crowd is going to be much less patient for his bullshit. Right? You know who I think you put on that bill? Gallagher. Put Gallagher in there. Yeah, put Gallagher. Just throw Gallagher on that bill. Yeah, let's have Victoria Jackson work the crowd.

Let's have her get out there with her ukulele. Have you guys seen Politichicks? I have heard of Politichicks. Oh, is it good? Could you describe it a little bit i sure can yes it is like if the it's an all conservative version of the view if this airs only on the internet it airs only on the internet and and it's it's low budget and shitty and shabby even for the internet like it's like four directors chairs and and like one of them has a lavalier mic and nobody

else does and like and it's just it lavalier mic and nobody else does. And like – and it's just – it's badly lit. They look terrible. They don't – they all have the same thing to say and it's all dumb. And like – and there's always a part where Victoria Jackson plays a song, like a conservative song on her ukulele. And the other three like just sort of like put up with it. Like they don't look at her. It is fucking fascinating.

Like you would swear it was performance art. Cause it's really bad. And you can't imagine any of these people signing off on it and saying like, Oh, I think we got a really good point across there because nobody ever does. And it's not that I disagree with them. It's just that they, they don't express themselves clearly at all. I've only seen,

I've only seen Victoria Jackson talking on the internet. The, and Victoria Jackson talking on the internet. And Victoria Jackson, the former Saturday Night Live star, turned a recent most famous person, anyone who could find, who would talk publicly about their support for the Tea Party. Yeah. And she's sincerely incoherent. Right. I mean, I'm not picking on her because my political beliefs differ from hers right there are plenty like women with different body types

that's it i mean certainly i don't i don't like her because of she's fat she's gotten really fat um no she she genuinely like i genuinely want to like put a blanket over her shoulders and usher her off stage oh yeah it's really it's really bad and again yeah it's not it's not because it's not a chill out tent right it's not because you don't like it's not like she gets my goat i worry for her yeah she does not make a lick of sense a lick of sense one sentence doesn't follow the last no no yeah and it's it's a lot of like she says a lot and in a lot of the Politichicks that I've watched, I've seen like three of them. She says a lot, like, I don't know why gay people love Muslims so much, because Muslims don't like them. It's like, A, where do you get that?

Where do you get the first part of that? It's not that we don't like Muslims. I just don't know where all the, like, I don't know. I just don't get either. I mean, I get the second part. Are you watching Politichicks at your gay Muslim rallies? Absolutely. All the time.

On my smartphone. Passing it all around. Sure. Yeah. It's good. Watch Politichicks. I mean, watch it once. Watch one.

You watch three. At least. Maybe more. Maybe more. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, and I'm Dave Holmes, the Dowager Countess. Yes. Dave Holmes, by the way, did you book that audition to replace? When Maggie Smith eventually steps out. I can't talk about it. I'm sorry. Oh, jeez. Can you not talk about it

or can you not talk about it? Both. Yes! Both! Because the last time... I mention it because the last time you were here, you had that beard

for that show about factories you were working on. Yes, yep, yep. And now the beard is off, and so that made me think that maybe you were working on yep yep and um and now the beard is off and so that made me think that maybe you were yep you know you were going out on some gender bending auditions yeah for some some gender bending uh kind of elderly ladies yeah yeah that's kind of it's you know it's right up my alley no this uh the beard was lost for i mean i mean this hell Baby movie. Oh, with Rob Marjorie and that gang. Yeah, this is the Tom Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, their movie.

Yep. That is actually their movie. That is actually their movie. They wrote and they are directing. It's one tiny little part. Could very well get cut out, but I went down and did it. And it was in New Orleans last week, I guess, just before, uh, Bridgetown. And, um, and I went, uh, and it was of course, super fun, like crazy, crazy fun. There's so much fun to work with. You know, these guys, they're amazing.

They're brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant, super geniuses who are nice, funny and nice. It's crazy. Um, so afterwards I, uh, I had to go had to go watch American Idol because I write about it for Vulture, as we were talking about. And I wanted to – because it's New Orleans, I figured there has to be a bar somewhere that is showing American Idol so that I can watch it with a bunch of people and have some stories and whatever. And there, sure enough, is like the gayest gay bar on Bourbon Street shows it on Wednesday and Thursday nights. And so I went. Do you remember the name? I bet it has a funny name. It was Lafitte's in Exile.

Great. Yeah. Love it. Love it. It's a legitimately fun place. It is full of crazy blackout drunks at all times of the day or night. Amazing. So that was great.

I went home to type up my notes. I went home to type up my notes And as I'm typing And it's just totally quiet in my room I hear the sound of urine Hitting a carpet Like right outside my door So you didn't This was not grape juice hitting astroturf

This was distinctly Distinctly urine on carpet I have housebroken a puppy I know that sound Ah Exactly Yeah And so I go to the door I have housebroken a puppy. I know that sound. Ah. Ah. Ah. Exactly. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And so I go to the door and I open the door and it's just some old guy with a bald head and a gray mustache just pissing on my floor. Oh, good. Like dick in hand, whiskey in the other, just pissing on the ground. Like basically on my door. So I managed to apprehend him and get him on the elevator

and take him down. I took him down to the front desk and turned him in, which I was thrilled to do. His dick was away at this point, right? Yes. Okay. Pull your pants up.

Let's go. Right. And he was too drunk to resist arrest. Sure. So I took him down. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

Citizens arrest. Yeah. And then the um the the the night desk guy who i turned him into and this is like 10 30 on a wednesday it's not like it's four in the morning um that that guy had to come up and like scrub the carpet and the door and all that and he i'm not kidding because i opened i heard him scrubbing and i wanted to like open the door and thank him and i did and he was crying like really crying because this was his station uh this it was his station and also i don't know if if he and this drunk old

guy had words or whatever he got personal i don't know but yeah it was really bad it was really bad so so so so unusual that when you get if you're you get blackout drunk and then like – what does your blackout drunk id tell you to do? Go to the third floor of a random hotel and be on a door? Well, the deal was he was staying across the hall. Oh, okay. I don't know if maybe he just couldn't find his key. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or what the deal was.

Yeah, I found out the next day that he was right across the hall. Okay. It's like the manager had to come and talk to him. That makes a little bit more sense than him just coming in off the street. Yeah, no. I don't think he could. Maybe he could. I don't know.

But it speaks to a New Orleans level of drunkenness. Sure. Because I think a lot of people... Is there a dark side to drinking to excess? Really? Yeah. It is all of that and nothing else in New Orleans. Just pure excess.

It is just pure blackout darkness and excess. Do you think that horrible natural disaster was just the weather getting too drunk? Yeah. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I think there is concentrated, like, bad juju. Oh, what did I do last night? Yeah, and the spill. The spill was just, like, it was just one long vomit of oil.

Oh, God, that place is... I love it. I love it, but it's terrible. You know, the last time I was there was a couple of years ago, and I think I told this story on the show. But in case I didn't, it – I have family in New Orleans, and we would go down there for like family trips, and it always just to me seemed kind of like loud and gross. And, you know, there was always a poster of a nude fat woman somewhere with the caption pick a fold and fuck it.

Oh. And it was very upsetting to like a 10-year-old. It's upsetting to a 41-year-old. Yes, right. Just hearing about it. And so, you know, I never had a great opinion of it, but I went down there for work a couple of years ago, and the guy I was going with had been there a bunch, and he's like, listen, we're not going to go to Bourbon Street. Just leave it to me. And so we went, you know, kind of off the beaten path to this kind of beautiful, you know, this beautiful little segment of bars where it seemed to be kind of,

you know, townie intensive. And we went to this, you know, amazing restaurant, and then we went bar hopping, and everyone was, you know, people were smoking pipes indoors, and every bar had a new genre of music in it. And this is just, you know, beautiful, hip people, and it was just great. And kind of that next day, we kind of did a little walking tour of kind of some of the old historical houses that they had, and they kind of had this beautiful public space and this beautiful park. And we're walking, and I said to him, I'm like, oh, this is really beautiful and terrific. I've never seen this side of the place before. I can really kind of see now why a lot of my extended family lives down here. And as I

was saying that, this car goes by and this guy sticks his head out the window and goes, Faggots! Like, oh yeah! Okay. Alright. Well, there's terrible people everywhere. Yes, absolutely. We should mention that the guy in the car was Harry Shearer.

Okay. Or Harry Anderson. Or Harry Connick Jr. Or Harry Connick Jr. One of the Nolans Harrys. I love it, though, because there truly is – there really is music everywhere. And it's – there's a lot of touristy, ridiculous T-shirt shop bullshit down there. But then if you get away from Bourbon Street, ridiculous t-shirt shop bullshit down there.

But then if you get away from Bourbon Street, the food is incredible. Yeah, yeah. The Bloody Marys are incredible. Some of the best Bloody Marys I've ever had in my life. Dave, on the topic of your Vulture American Idol recaps. Yes. I do not watch the American Idol television program. I think it's bad. I certainly understand where you would not.

But I really loved your recaps. They're so funny. Thanks. Thanks. And you really get the sense of, and I like to picture you writing these recaps, like chained to a desk. Your contempt for the show really comes out.

Well, the thing is, I like it in a way. I think the format really works, and I honestly, I think the kids on it are mostly very talented. They have good voices and it's interesting. And I've said this in my column a lot, it succeeds in spite

of itself. It is horribly produced. Are they first Goo Goo Dolls album talented? Wait, what is this? Goo Goo Dolls! That was the band that was a punk band and then had a ballad. Yes. Okay. That's correct.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Gin Blossoms. They weren't really a punk band, but yeah, but they were a harder band and then they- I meant to say Gin Blossoms. Yep, yep. Yeah.

But I'm glad that helped you, Jordan. That was real. Thank you. I feel, God, I got this fucking finger bang thing off my chest. It's a whole new day. Whew. Fantastic. Everything's coming up, Jordan.

Yeah. But no, I think that it's a good format that is failed by everything that they do to it. I think Ryan Seacrest is good at keeping things smooth, but has no discernible personality or sense of humor at all. Like, doing live television is very challenging. There are people, you know, yelling in your ears, and everything's changing at a moment's notice and you gotta stretch and you gotta contract whatever you can do all that and you can do it with personality and i don't think that he does well is he supposed to have personnel like isn't isn't part of that show that he's that he's

supposed to not have yeah he's supposed to be everything to everyone well he is that like don't they have the other people aren't the other people on that show supposed to be the ones that have personality right but they don't either right they also do they also do not they did for a while and i've literally i have to admit i've literally only seen this show once and it was a long time ago because my wife's cousin was on it oh really who was on it no she was it was she never even made it onto that my wife's cousin was she was in the house or something so it was like 30 people on it when Who was on it? She never even made it onto my wife's cousin. She was in the house or something. So there was like 30 people on it when she was on it.

While I was flying back from New Orleans to Bridgetown, I picked up the American Idol, where are they now? Special edition People magazine, right? That's like $14 or something stupid. But I needed something to write about. And so I picked it up. And Jack off to. And Jack off to. And Jack off to, obviously, publicly.

And several of those kids have gone on to, some have won and done really well. Some have won and have vanished. And some have like, there's your Jennifer Hudson's and your Chris Daughtry's and people who are like succeeding wildly. Who's Chris Daughtry? He is the lead singer of Daughtry, a band that I could not tell you anything about other than they're hugely popular. Yeah, yeah.

He's kind of a runner-up and then started this kind of Nickelback-y, creedy kind of band that's just called Daughtry. Right. And that is, for some reason, inexplicably the most successful thing ever to come out of American Idol. Something like that, yeah. Maybe. Other than maybe Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson.

No, actually, I think Kelly Underwood is probably the most popular. Because country is just huge. I don't know. that yeah maybe maybe clary clark's kelly clark clary clarkson uh no actually i think harry underwood is probably oh okay because country country is just huge i don't know my wife's cousin lives in hawaii oh at some guy's house okay with some other backup singers oh that's great so there's that but that truly is like because there are a lot a lot of these kids are still sort of trying to figure out what they do or whatever. But everybody, like every finalist from the last 11 seasons or whatever got a little blurb. And some of them were just so hilariously vague because the kids aren't doing anything. Right.

Like one was like, you know, Melissa appeared as a dolphin and has had polyp surgery. Like that's what she's doing now. She appeared as a mermaid. I don't know what that, like, in a commercial, in a dream. We all go porno. We all go mermaid porno real quick. She enjoys sandwiches and towels right out of the dryer. She has been

in a house. Whatever. It's just, like, super vague for some of these poor kids. But anyway, I think the show is okay. I just think that it's, the format of the show is okay. They keep you there for way too fucking long. It is not a two-hour long show. They can get the shit done in an hour, but they don't because they know that they got you. It's two hours long?

Well, it's three really because it's on two nights a week. Wow. But yeah, they really milk it and it's not good. But I have my favorites. I like – I am emotionally invested. Son, they really milk it. And it's not good. But I have my favorites. I like – I am emotionally invested. Sanjaya. Sometimes. Sanjaya was not that bad.

Justin. It was not that bad. I cannot imagine like having been through some degree of this myself on a much smaller scale. I cannot imagine what it's like for these kids. You were on America's Got Talent with your ventriloquist act. Go ahead and say it, Dave. All right. I don't want to be – I don't want to be – I don't want to gas myself up on that.

But they – like I went through a much smaller version of that when I was older and I was – and it was like it was much more condensed and whatever. So like I have some compassion for these kids. We should say that you were the runner-up in the MTV, the inaugural MTV Wannabe a VJ contest. You should say it because nobody has yet today. So now we can check that off. No, but I mean, I'm sure that there are people who don't know what you're a leader. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah.

I got my first television job through a television thing. Because of the fact that for the past 15 years, you have been a talented, skilled, hilarious, brilliant television host. Thank you. Thank you. And so you were the talent. You're the one who won the contest by talentedness. Well, I did not.

I did not. Well, as it turns out. But thank you. Yeah. Well, you got a job by talentedness. How about that? Thanks. Thank you.

But that experience for me was three days when I was 26 or 27, and it was an hour or something a day and it was on cable and many fewer people saw it. Now it's these 16-year-old girls and they got to sing in front of a huge stadium full – it's actually pretty small but it seems like a huge stadium full of people and tens of millions of people on TV. And it's like I actually sort of have compassion for them. I still make fun of them a lot, but I have a little bit of compassion for them because I kind of understand what they're going through. A little bit. Your life changes. It terrifies me. Yeah. I couldn't watch it. I even

couldn't watch the whole one when I tried to watch it when my wife's cousin was on. I couldn't even watch the whole one that my wife's cousin was on. Because I felt so bad for everyone that was on yeah um i couldn't even watch the whole one that my wife's cousin was on because i felt so bad for everyone yeah it was on it it's rough and and they also they they they still do the parade of of like mentally ill people at the beginning of the season who think they can sing and you know it's just not it's just not nice it's really it's rough uh is so far is the is the

person who is the most successful first couple episodes of American Idol, mentally ill person, still William Hung? Probably, yeah. Is that still as big as you can hope to get from being an American Idol joke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because he toured. He had an album.

He had two albums. Or is it Daughtry? Is Daughtry the biggest now? No, seriously, William Hung got a fucking thing. So I guess he got the last laugh or whatever. I don't know. You think William Hung's probably still working? No, because this was in the People magazine.

He's some kind of scientist now. Or he works in a lab. That's great. Or whatever. That's a lot better than if he was still working. I'm sure that he still probably does one-off shows here and there. Yeah. You know what I mean?

than if he was still working. I'm sure that he still probably does one-off shows here and there. Yeah. You know what I mean? He'll just go to a karaoke bar, hand in his slip, and then just fucking watch that room go nuts. Sure, give it to him for free. Mm-hmm. He's touring this summer with Terry Nunn,

and you don't know who I'm talking about because you weren't even born then. No, I don't. She was a late singer at Berlin. Oh, okay. I was going for an lead singer at Berlin. Oh, okay. I was going for an 80s package tour. Oh, okay, yeah. So that's what that was. You got a William Hung.

Mm-hmm. Bow, wow, wow. Oh, yeah, absolutely. XTC. Two of Bananarama. Mm-hmm. And the drummer of Rat. Great.

You know, apparently there is, have you been to... And Alexander O'Neill? Oh, that's a man. Can we throw in something that I know something about? I don you been to... And Alexander O'Neill? Can we throw in something that I know something about? I don't know. What's Alexander O'Neill? He was like an 80s kind of smooth... Smooth R&B singer. He was an example of the Minneapolis sound

that was not Prince. Right. He was all true man. Very talented guy, actually. I've been listening to a lot of The Groove on XM. A lot of Alexander O' uh on xm excellent a lot of alexander neal pops up alexander neal pops up or soul town i go back and forth between those two sure well you're a soulful man i am i am yeah you can tell did you ever did you ever do when you

were um the idea of the quote the issue of one-offs made me think of it. When you were... Sorry, I dropped a cat. When you were... Oh, if there was a cat in here, it would be playing with that. Like crazy! When you were a cultural phenomenon, when you were a part of the... Or at least when you were an adjunct to the cultural... The horrible cultural phenomenon...

When I was near. That was Jesse Camp. Oh, boy, yeah. Did you ever... Did you do mall appearances or something? horrible cultural phenomenon that was Jesse Camp. Oh boy, yeah. Did you ever, did you like do mall appearances or something? Did you do those kind of like, did you do ribbon cutting ceremonies or something?

I will tell you what I did do. At that time, and probably still, you could do like club appearances and stuff. Like hosted by Dave Holmes? Yeah. There was like an agency that would book you in at these clubs in like Detroit do like club appearances and stuff like it like hosted by dave holmes yeah you could they would there was like an agency that would book you in at these clubs in like detroit or you know birmingham or whatever and and you would go in and sometimes it'd be like an 18 and up club or

whatever um but you would just go and host and get on the mic and be like woo and whatever and like and that was that and and the money was really good. So I started getting... Wait, how much money were we talking about? I'm not going to... Tell us how much money. No, I'm not. No, no. Tens of thousands of dollars? Multiple tens of thousands of dollars?

No, like a 10,000 of dollars. That's great. Yeah, that's really great. Yeah. You know? I mean, that's not crazy money. I mean, that's how much money, like, a band gets to do a concert if they fly somewhere or something.

Right, right, right. And it was, right and it was yeah it was right at the at like uh like 99 2000 when the ratings were really were huge and like and there was there was a ton of music programming so our faces were on all the time and whatever so all of us got uh these engagements and whatever and and probably still it happens with like the real world kids and the jersey shore kids and stuff. Like they, I'm sure, and I'm sure they get much, much more. Yeah, I remember one of the Spencer Pratt going on Letterman and having that thing about how much he gets to just show up somewhere.

Yeah, no, and yeah, I'm sure that still happens. I remember reading recently that Warren Sapp, the former NFL football player, in his bankruptcy filing, had the previous month gotten a $40,000 appearance fee for a club hosting gig. That makes sense. That makes total sense. 40-year-old former NFL football player. Why not? I mean, it works.

It's dumb, but I guess it gets people there. What do you do? Do you just say, hey, what's up, guys? Well, yeah, you do that and then there will be some kind of... Drink specials all night. Yep. You give a handjob in a hot tub. The person you were watching down there was actually Dan Cortez.

I would be happy to do it, believe me. But no, you truly... There will be a hot buns contest or something goofy like that. You don't have to be like a hot buns contest or something something goofy like that you have to be near it or announce it or whatever and it's not you know i mean it's gross and one or the other maybe both yeah every time oh and then also there would they would like the flyer that they would put up or whatever they would they would print out a bunch of copies and you would sit at a table and like sign them for people so and for me like i i never i always felt very strange doing those things but i couldn't turn

the money down obviously right because i need to eat yes right i mean i don't i jesse i know i don't want to make you feel bad because you didn't get asked but dave i totally know where you're coming from i recently got a hundred bucks and two drink tickets to hang out at buffalo wild wings here's the thing thursday night i a Thursday night? I would do it. Yeah. I would do it because I love wings. Sure. Who doesn't?

Wings are great. There's one out here, right? Oh, yeah. There's a new one on Hollywood and La Brea. We're having a meet-up. Are you serious? Do they do a comedy night? No, they don't.

Oh, God, that would be great. Dave, we're having a meet-up at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Can we do that? Can we do a comedy night at Buffalo Wild Wings? I'll talk to them next time I'm there. that would be great. Dave, we're having a meet-up at Buffalo Wild Wings. Can we do that? Can we do a comedy night at Buffalo Wild Wings? I'll talk to them next time I'm there. I would love to. I would love to. Absolutely.

Just get some, yeah, some fucking Pasadena kids down here to hang out for the night. Sure, why not? They'll love it. Yeah, of course people would show up. I think so. Right? I mean, they'd show up for the wings. They'd stay for the comedy.

Right, yeah, exactly. So, okay, so you'd have to do that. And for me, this was sort of early in my being on television. So I still felt very strange about the whole thing. And I didn't understand. I didn't think that anyone would come to see me, and I was right. You know what I mean? If anyone was there, they were already going there.

So I would have this table where I had to to sign shit and there would be a couple of people lined up but the idea of sitting at a table with nobody lined up scared me to death so i would talk to like if people came up and asked for a picture or whatever i would talk to them for fucking 20 minutes because i was like i don't want like i want to this line needs to move slowly because i don't want to sit here alone like it would get to the point where they would be like i have to go you know you're just you're sitting you're sitting there you've got their pen yeah groove is in the heart is playing oh yeah on the pa system and you're like so have you got the new benfolds album oh yeah no totally whatever i could do to keep the conversation going mostly

benfold stuff and i would say and i would say to myself every time like i'm never gonna do this again and then they would give me the check or sometimes just cash and i would say to myself every time, like, I'm never going to do this again. And then they would give me the check or sometimes just cash. And I would say, okay, I'm going to do this one more time. And that is it. You get the cash. I love the idea of the cash. I want you to carry, I want you to have gotten paid $20,000 in cash for a gig in Vancouver and then get arrested going over the border with the cash in a cigar box like Elvis Mitchell did that one time.

What a movie that would make. By the way. Kind of like Midnight Run, but lower stakes. Much lower stakes. Yeah. Much lower budget. Oh, that is golden. That is delightful.

They were terrible, but they were fun. They were sort of fun. They were perversely fun. I believe it. Yeah. I could see how that would be just like, what am I doing? What was your criteria for the tight buns contest? I wouldn't judge it. Oh, okay. I wouldn't judge it. I believe it. Yeah, I could see how that would be just like, what am I doing? What was your criteria for the tight buns contest? I wouldn't judge it.

I wouldn't judge it. I do not have the skills to judge it. I do remember once, there was one, I think in Toledo? You're a tit man. There was one in Toledo and it was like an 18 and up club on one side and then a concert venue on the

other side. And so I was doing my thing in the concert venue side. No, in like the 21 or whatever, the club side. The club side. I did my thing and then it was like, hey, we need you back at 10 or whatever. And then in the concert venue, Guided by Voices was playing, which I was like, this is heaven. This is perfect for me. So I went out and I sort of talked to people there and I managed to sort of – Robert Pollard was the one judging the tight buns yeah yeah no he was there he was there

with his son who's like my age huh uh and they were all just fucking blackout drunk yeah and uh and and i and i stood on the stage not like you know i mean sort of off to the side obviously i wasn't in guided by voices but i but i managed to sort of sit from like the side of the stage and watch some of their show and uh and i looked out into the crowd and i guess a couple of people recognized me and there was a sea of people giving me the finger ah because i was like yeah just sure because at that time at that time where's the fuck mtv crowd right they're at a guided by voices concert sure wow what have you yeah oh my gosh crazy crazy. Yeah, it was a weird position to be in because I just didn't, like, it makes you feel very strange about yourself to be, like, an attraction that people go to see. Yeah.

Because I wasn't really doing, you know, I had done a lot of improv and stuff, but I wasn't doing stand-up or anything. I wasn't, like, you come to this 18 and up club and listen to some stories from my one-man show or whatever. You know what I mean? It was like, you know, it was a club. And I'd go to clubs when I wasn't a kid. Musings with Dave Holmes. Right. Yeah.

It wasn't like a Spalding Gray kind of deal. I mean, you had that boil you could show people. It's true. It's true. I could strip. Yeah. It was just very, very strange. It was very strange.

But the money was, oh, it was good. Oh, that money. Fuck, it was good. Yeah. No, I'm going to have a word with the people at B-dub-dub next time I'm down there. Great. B-dub-dub, which I don't understand where the three comes from. Yeah, me too.

It's inaccurate. Yeah. Yes, Jesse. Buffalo Wild Wing? They call it B-dub-dub? B-dub-dub-three? B-dub-dub-three. I don't know why.

Because there's three words in the name. Yeah. All right. I'll buy it. I say B-dub-dub, and I think that gets the job done. B-dub-dub, B-dubbies. Hmm. What should we set our appearance fee at?

I mean... Because there's probably a lot of club promoters listening right now. Okay. And I want to talk about, first of all, for us individually, for us as a package, for our packages. For our, yes. Do you want to see the package? And then what if we bring our celebrity friend Dave Holmes along?

Oh, that'd be great. Sure, I'm in. From a drink with Dave. I'm in. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, airfare and lodging, of course, if it's out of state. Right. And as far as just like for the night, I mean, you know, pick up my bar tab.

Right. Let me play a couple of songs on the jukebox So that's 2 or 3k Yeah Because you're drinking top shelf shit You are blackout gone Yeah, I'm gonna get And you know, just be okay

And your son is drinking too This is a Robert Pollard type situation And yeah, I think just like Maybe you don't give me money at the end But you just like Absolve me and make everything okay at the hotel when I pee on someone's door. Oh, you don't even want to get paid. Yeah.

Just be my fixer. Just be my fixer. You just want to get paid in that vomit dust. Yeah. That they throw on the carpet. Sure. Bomb sorb or whatever. Yeah.

I'll take it. Yeah. I mean, I just want somebody to clean up my messes. Right. Of which there are many. I want I'll take it. Yeah, I mean, I just want somebody to clean up my messes. Right. Of which there are many. I want a Tesla Roadster. Oh, that'll be good. You know that electric car that probably Ashton Kutcher drives?

I don't know if he drives that, but he probably does. He probably does. He's priced them. Right. He's gone to the dealership. You know, recently, I just remembered this. I got booked at some college to do a a say what karaoke kind of thing, right? Yeah, yeah.

And like their student activities board booked me and it was in Boston. It wasn't that far. I was living in New York at the time. I was like, fine. So I went and then the – like the three guys who were like the student activities board took me out afterwards. And a couple of them were gay. And so we went to like some college gay night or whatever somewhere in some club in boston and uh and like two of the guys were gay it was called gay bar b-a-h-r that's the name of the gay bar in boston yeah uh what the

fuck was it well whatever doesn't matter but uh but like two of the two of the student crew team theme yeah maybe oh god i'd love that i'd love that now um uh one of the student activities guys will get. Probably sort of like the crew team theme maybe. Oh, God. I'd love that. I'd love that now. Yeah. One of the guys was like this fucking business major and like smoothie and whatever. And he was like kind of trying to show me a good time and whatever. And he like gestures over to like a bunch of guys that are standing nearby. And he's like, what do you think of those guys over there? And I was like, I don't know. I guess they're cute or whatever.

And he walks over and he goes, hey, guys. Mr. Holmes was like i don't know i guess they're cute or whatever and he was and he walks over and he goes hey guys mr holmes would like to meet you which uh a no no i don't i don't i didn't say that at all i didn't say that at all that's the greatest thing ever even if i did don't do that that is the greatest thing ever not if you're not if you're mr holmes in your life not if you are mr i'm the greatest because of course they look over to me and they're like who and because of course who you know and i was like i really i i just i didn't like mr holmes is that the guy from taxi yeah yeah it was yeah, it was fucking gross. You know what? I'm changing my appearance fee. Yeah. Now what I want to happen is I want our appearance in the town to coincide with whenever the roller derby is going on.

Right. I want to be escorted to wherever the roller derby after party is. Sure. I want someone to go up to the roller derby girls and say, Mr. Morris would like to meet you. That's it. I will not. There you go. I don't need catching Mr. Morris would like to meet you. That's it. I will not. There you go. I don't need cash in hand. You will know.

You will know how it feels. So two weeks ago, I'm at a birthday party at a place called the Fifth in the Valley. Yeah. And I walk in and there's this guy in a suit and he goes, like, and I, as I pass by, he goes, let's see if he remembers me. And, and like walks up to me and I'm like, uh, hello.

And he goes, do I look familiar? And I said, no. Um, and he goes, well, and then he tells me the whole story.

He's one of the, not the guy who said Mr. Holmes would like to meet you, but he's one of those guys from that group. Oh no. He took me out that night and now he's an agent out here. Oh wow. Yeah.

And, uh, yeah. So, so he did the, let's see if he remembers me. And then he goes, yeah, that was a fun night. We have a picture from that night. You look really drunk.

Okay, great. Wow. Why does this group of people, why is it their goal to make me feel uncomfortable? I know his name, I should say, but I'm not going to. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. My mama taught me better than that. Dave, sure. I'm not going to. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. My mama taught me better than that.

Dave. I'm not going to blast you on the internet. Dave. What? Now that we know exactly how much money you got paid to do appearances 15 years ago, I think you should be an investor in our gay bar. Oh, what is it? We're opening a gay bar.

It's called Dorothy's. Uh-huh. Sounds very up to date. It's a theme. No, it's not. That's uh-huh uh this sounds very up to date it's a theme no it's not that's the whole we have our finger on the pulse dave we know what's going on that's the thing it's not up to date at all the premise is it's like it's a pre-stonewall gay bar with no gay bashing however all the other elements of a pre-Stonewall gay bar are in place. So everyone wears this.

It's a shame. Everyone wears this. Darkness. Yeah, exactly. No windows. Everyone wears, yeah, there's no windows. Everyone wears a suit and tie and acts like they're straight. And everyone brings a newspaper.

Uh-huh. And then everyone opens their newspaper. And the rule at Dorothy's is, as long as you have a newspaper open, you can do anything you want. Great. Isn't that good? That's great. Isn't that a good premise?

That's a great premise. And everyone has to look really serious unless they have their newspaper open. Right. And also, it's really important that people use old-timey gay secret codes. Okay. Any kind you want.

In fact, I recently learned about a new kind of old-timey gay secret code that people – because people – I think a lot of people would figure – if we were just using handkerchief folds in back pockets and that kind of thing or key chains and earrings and these sort of like – That handkerchief code gets awfully specific, doesn't it? Yes. Have you researched that? It does. It's not – is it hanky color? Hanky – It's hanky color gets awfully specific, doesn't it? Yes. Have you researched that? It does. It's not. Is it hanky color? Hanky.

It's hanky color and placement. Yeah. And I think it also does go to like the number of like the way that it is folded and placed in the pocket and whatever. And it goes to specific. Or you can fucking talk to somebody. Yeah. Hey, let the hanky do the talking.

Yeah, I guess. Well, but you can only talk to somebody if the fucking newspaper is open. That's what I'm talking. Okay. But here's the talking. I guess. Well, but you can only talk to somebody if the fucking newspaper is open. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. But here's the thing. I was having lunch with some friends and they were from England. It's a nation. I'm not going to get into the whole explanation.

Look it up. that in the pre-Gaylib era in London, that gays spoke a crazy made-up language with each other. Wow, like Esperanto? It was, I want to say it was based on Romany or something like that, the language that gypsies speak.

But I can't remember that specifically. Somebody's going to write in the forum about exactly what it was. Yeah. That language is very encouraged at Dorothy's. Great. I love it. Yeah, I'm going to research that.

I don't know anything about it. But the most important part is everyone wears a suit and tie, and anything can happen behind the newspaper. I love it. Because every fucking gay bar now, it's a bunch of jerks with big chests who put LMFAO on the jukeboxes. Like, we have really, we have really sunk.

Well, you live in, you also have to understand that you live in Los Angeles. I do live in Los Angeles, so it's just... I mean, that's just every, you're also describing every bar in Los Angeles

to a certain extent. To a certain extent. I mean, you know. Yeah, it's fucking rough. I think the fact that they're gay bars compounds it, maybe, because it's a particular subc think the fact that they're gay bars compounds it maybe because it's a

particular subculture of the particular culture, but it is a Los Angeles city full of jerks and imbeciles. Yeah, it is. I mean, I love it. There's good people. There's some good people.

Jordan Morris lives here. Good people. Okay. Look at it. Look at us. Look how great we are. Yeah. No,

I mean, there's a solid people. I know. A minus. I give us an A minus. Yeah solid A- I feel good about you guys yeah I'm in I'm absolutely in it's happening Jordan we're opening into some appearances you'll sign some autographs

behind a newspaper of course was that a thing I'm not aware of that no that's a little flourish that I added to this what I want not aware of that. No, that's a little flourish that I added to this. I mean, because what I want is all of the... See, here's what happened. I watched this American Experience documentary

about Stonewall, and I found it beautiful and inspirational and immensely moving and, I mean, terrifying as well. I mean, most of the most, you know, just like if you see something about the civil rights movement, you know, most of the most inspirational parts about it

are also directly related to something that is genuinely horrifying. However, I just wanted some of the frisson of for example everybody getting together to fuck inside meat trucks yeah like disused meat trucks yeah which was a thing like everybody would go let's go down to the meat trucks yeah and. And then the policeman would rap out on the door of the meat truck because the policeman knew where the meat trucks that everyone goes to fuck in. Yep. And they said, and the guys in this documentary, they're like, yeah, it stank like meat.

Yeah. But we were fucking, so. Oh, yeah. That went on long after Stonewall. And so. It ended before I got to New York. Right. So they're like. You got to New York. Right. So they're like...

You got to New York. You're like, oh man, I'm so glad I'm here. You found the first meat truck. You ran inside. Guess what? Full of meat. Yeah.

Full of action. The meat driver's just shaking his head. We are so over meat trucks. We get this every day. Now we're into urban beekeeping. It doesn't sound like the same thing. And you're like, but I brought cupcakes and they're

like nope we're over that too no it's donuts now yeah it's donuts urban beekeeping and sex in the house yeah it's it's okay so so empty buildings and meat trucks so here's the thing full of dudes yeah like meat meat trucks being full of dudes fucking and then them describing these secret bars where they would all go and and they'd all and they'd all straight up and then they all go inside the bar and sort of talk secret codes and then go do gay shit yeah and they'd be like in the and so the excitement of like hey like rocket to the moon i'm gonna do some gay shit because they weren't allowed to do any gay shit at all yeah the rest of their lives because they could be murdered or something yeah so i just want like a warm comfortable place that that is where there's no

nobody's gonna murder you no police No police are going to raid. Right. No anything else. Yeah. You just have a Manhattan, open up your newspaper. And fuck up a storm. Yeah, just somebody reaches over, grabs your dick, or whatever you want. Or you talk to a George Plimpton type.

Yeah. You know? And I feel like an open newspaper. Like, what I'm seeing is dance numbers breaking out. Absolutely. Like, I don't know if anybody's ever seen Stomp, but, you know, they will shake the newspapers in rhythm. So, yeah, maybe there's something like that.

I like it. I like it. In. Do you think that whole cosmopolitan thing would have been sexier if they would have been holding a newspaper in the hot tub? Oh yeah of course There are very few ways In which it could have gotten less sexy

You know what I mean? Maybe if Ride of the Valkyries Was coming out of the speaker system Do you think it would have been sexier If inside the cabana there was a rhino And it was shitting into the hot tub. Oh, God. Probably, right?

And what's that Woody Allen movie where his mom is always in the sky? I don't know. There's some Woody Allen movie where his mom yells at him from the sky. Maybe that could have been going on as well. That definitely would have made it a little sexier. Oh, dear God. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, We have determined that you are Dave Holmes. Yes, that's been... I am Dave Holmes. I am Dave Holmes.

Something good, too. Welcome to the Hot Buns Contest. Your last one was, I don't know, maybe you didn't remember. Your last one was Dowager Countess, which we love. But I think Dave Holmes, welcome to the Hot Buns Contest. Yeah, I think that's it. I think that's it permanently. Hey, guess what?

Maybe just for next time. Dave Holmes, who's ready for some titties? The thing is, I probably did it the way that I just did it. Yeah. Welcome to the hot buns contest. Hey, guys. Which is, you know, I mean, I got some. Sort of Charlie Rose style.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You know, Charlie Rose hosts a lot of these nightclub nights. I bet he gets offers. He's ready to get offers. Double-breasted nights. I bet he gets offers. He's been to enough clubs. Double-breasted suit. I did that show once. Oh, really?

Right around the Grammys. Yeah, it was like a music expert right before the Grammys. Wow. Yeah, it was me and Jancy Dunn and I think Carson Daly. And we went and we were early and I guess the taping got put off

by a couple hours and we were all nervous as hell because it was Charlie Rose. And we met him very briefly and he reeked of booze. Which is fine. I mean, I don't think he was drunk. I just think he has a nice little glass of whiskey.

Has a boozyness about him. Whatever, it goes on. And that inspired us to go to the Subway bar around the corner and have a couple drinks before we went on to the show because we were unacceptably nervous yeah we were we were like sweating bullets not able to complete sentences like so we yeah like you know you're like rose is pre-game in a little bit oh why shouldn't we

yeah that why shouldn't we warm it up table for us yeah it was great we were about to and we did it was it was fun it's on the internet somewhere oh wow Oh, wow. So that'd be a fun thing to dig up. It pops up a lot. Dave and Carson Daly drunk on Charlie Rose. Drunk on Charlie Rose. We're going to post that. Talking about garbage. We'll post that.

Because they were up for the best album or something. We'll post that to our Facebook group. Oh, don't do that. That is my promise. We are going to post. Don't do that. We're going to post drunk Dave Holmes on Charlie Rose to our Facebook group. Loose.

We posted you on cooked or whatever that show was yeah yeah i'm not punked whether oh it's not punked uh burned burned excuse me on burned jordan went on a mtv dating version of punked once uh he just made up a whole thing yeah with a friend of his just a whole complicated thing, and they just booked him on it, and he just did a whole thing that was completely made up. Okay. He's a lot of fun. That sounds like a gas.

And I auditioned for the reboot of Punk'd and did not get on. Oh. Yeah. He should have did. They should have had him on. They should have had him on. It would have been fun. I could have shown Tyler, the creator, who's boss,

and then hugged him afterwards. Yeah. Okay. Look, let's talk about sponsors on this program. Number one, Ask Metafilter. Our good friends at ask.metafilter.com. If you need the answer to basically any question of all time, this is your website to go to. Go to your ask.metafilter.com.

You type it into there to find out if somebody already asked it. Probably someone has and there's already brilliant answers to it. Or you ask it there yourself and someone will give you a thoughtful, considered answer. Good.

This is a website where you type questions in and people give you thoughtful, considered answers. It's a wonderful website. I use in and people give you thoughtful, considered answers. It's a wonderful website. I use it all the time myself, personally, sincerely. I love this website. One of my favorite websites.

Ask.Metafilter.com. This thing is tremendous. I'm going. I got questions. Well, they've got answers. Why? Is that their slogan? That is, I think, Lowe's or Home Depot or something.

I'm pretty sure it's Ask Metafilter's slogan. Well, maybe it is. It certainly applies more to Ask Metafilter. Hey, you sure it's Ask Metafilter. Well, maybe it is. It certainly applies more to Ask Metafilter. Hey, you guys, it's Metafilter. Food, folks, and fun. Right. Metafilter, F3. Yeah.

Why does Buffalo Wild Wings call themselves BW3? Oh, yeah. Do you think Ask Metafilter would know that? Yeah. I bet they do. We can put it on there and see what they have to say. Okay. That's number one.

Number two, Jumbotron empty this week, but it doesn't have to be next week. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron to get your message onto Jordan Jesse Go, whether it's a happy birthday or a happy anniversary

or a marriage proposal, which we have done. Neat. Whatever it is, or it's just if you want us to plug your podcast or whatever. It's cheap. It's easy. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Do you ever

put two straight dudes on it and make them kiss each other? Like the kiss cam? Yeah. That'd be fun. You should do it. We should start using the Jumbotron to force straight guys to kiss. We could work that into door things at all. That's a theme night. If I ever heard a theme night, that's it. Forcing straight dudes to kiss. Do you think we could work that into door things at all? That's a theme night. If I ever heard a theme night,

that's it. Forcing straight dudes to kiss? There it is. There it is. If I just chants, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. And you know, you have to.

Yeah, just palms up. What can I do? They're chanting. If they're chanting, I'm kissing. That's what I always say. Unless you mean it. The crowd doesn't want to see it

if you mean it. Right. If you actually want to kiss the guy next to you, they will fucking beat you to death. Unless you mean it. The crowd doesn't want to see it if you mean it. If you actually want to kiss the guy next to you, they will fucking beat you to death. If you're horrified by it, the crowd will roar its approval. The straight guys who are getting coaxed into kissing

at Dorothy's are like, well, I should probably stop coming here. It's the only place that makes a good Rob Roy. No one else knows how to make one. They really do it right. I mean, it's just right just the right amount of sweet vermouth plus they've got that sassy barkeep oh i'm so i'm so into it carla and and just terrible drag queens you know and just guys in dresses drag queens yes just guys yeah but you know what some rupaul drag race no no. Good looking. No. No, just dudes in dresses.

It's just a dude. It's like a dude who finished changing his oil, wiped his hands off on a shop rag, went in the house, grabbed a sundress, and headed for Dorothy's. That's right. He's going to have some drinks with his pals. It's the only place he can express himself is Dorothy's. It's a place where you can do what you want to do as long as you got that newspaper open. I'm in.

This is a great place. Can you have it open on a tablet? Wait, what? Can you have like the New York Times app open on your iPad? No. Oh, I don't know. But there's a newspaper vending machine. Keep people away with that.

There's a newspaper. There's a vending machine there. Okay. They're out of date, too. They're not the current. I'm doing what I can to save the publishing industry. I know that you said you don't want it to be like RuPaul's Drag Race, but can Jennifer Tilly still come?

Oh, absolutely. Okay. Guest appearances, yeah. Because that'll get me in there, and then I'm happy to reluctantly kiss the other straight guy in there If it means I get to hang around Jennifer Tilly Have a nice Rob Roy Jennifer Tilly and Kelly Osbourne

They really pack them in I also don't want anyone to get the impression That RuPaul is not welcome Oh no, he's welcome RuPaul is perfectly welcome He's a charming gentleman This guy is one of the most charming people in entertainment As far as I can tell

I say come on over but you know what i you know what i'd like to see i'd like to see rupaul coming over in a necktie oh yeah i think it's fun to have rue there in a suit and tie with a couple of with a couple of fat guys with three-day beard growths in dresses. Yeah, in like... Right? In a wig you got on Hollywood Boulevard. And everybody's just giving each other a hug and a nice, firm handshake.

Everybody's got a Manhattan. Jennifer Tilly maybe wearing just a simple blouse. Right. Maybe a sweater. A little cardigan. Some people are talking about the Mets and some people are talking about books. Still others are fucking. Yeah. Oh, people are talking about books still others are fucking

yeah they are giving it to each other absolutely yeah i like it absolutely okay if you want to sponsor if you want to sponsor this program if you want to associate your brand with with this family-friendly message email theresa at maximum fun dot org we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go it's Jordan Jesse go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective and I'm Dave Holmes who wants to see some titties Dave I understand Dave I understand that you're warm But you do know that it was 90 degrees today And you're wearing a thermal

Yeah, that's the thing But like I said, I'm going to Venice afterwards It gets kind of chilly at night Sure, you get that salt breeze You know that you can put something on On top of a polo shirt I know, I know But I like this look better

I do It's a nice look Thanks Yeah, thanks It is warm It's warm, look. Thanks. Yeah. Thanks. It is warm. It's warm, but it's worth it. You're making some curious layering choices.

I know, I know, but it's fine. You should have talked to that robot on the J.Crew website, is all I'm saying. Is there a robot on the J.Crew website? Yeah,

it gives you style advice. Really? That's where I would go for my layering advice. Oh, damned. I go to Bonobos, man.

I am all about Bonobos. What's Bonobos? They're all about Bonobos. What's Bonobos? They started with just pants. It was all bootcut pants at one point. They've really picked it up to the point where it's not just bootcut pants now. No, it's like they got straight leg,

they got suits, they got shirts. It's beautiful. Chimps? Really good looking stuff. No chimps. No chimps. Yeah, fantastic stuff i love it here we go okay we got some telephone calls here gentlemen great first of all last week on the program we were discussing the issue of uh the the possible convergence of jocks and nerds and specifically the fact that jordan contends that more and more nerds that he knows are tolerant of sports. Interesting.

Which, Dave, you have no interest in sports, right? I keep trying to cultivate an interest in sports and it has just never taken me. Your name even came up in the discussion. Oh, really? We were talking about that kind of stereotype of the nerd who is aggressive towards sports. Right. And I was saying that I hadn't really seen that kind of joke, you know, that kind of joke about like, you know, like, enjoy your barbaric conflict.

Right. You know, I'll be over here, you know, with my protractor. You know, there's that kind of that. I'm like, I don't think, since high school, I don't think I've seen that, but occasionally Dave Holmes will tweet something like, yay sports team or something. And that's the closest that I've seen since, you know, like freshman year of college. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I do do that because, I don't know, it's just very strange. I think it's funny. I think. I have a lot of friends who are very into sports and get very, like, heated about it. And I just think that that's ridiculous.

Yeah. I mean, if I, but again, like, I just, it never took. When I was a kid, it just never took. For them, it took. That's great. I just think that that's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, if I, but again, like, I just, it never took. When I was a kid, it just never took. For them, it took. That's great. I just don't. I, if I have money on something, then I'm very into it. And that's it.

I was in a football pool last year. So I was, I was, I was very into football for the four weeks that I was in it. But having a favorite team is like having money on it all the time. That's what I figure. It's like having emotional money on it. Yeah, yeah. On every game. Never did.

Just never did. On every single event. Just never did. That's my recommendation to you. Okay. Or just put money on every game. Okay. Yeah, that's it.

I mean, you got the money. You did those appearances 15 years ago. Yeah, obviously. You got a lot of fucking money to put on stuff. Take a couple bucks. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Cleveland money. You did those appearances 15 years ago. You got a lot of fucking money to put on stuff. Take a couple bucks. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Cleveland Indians. Pittsburgh Pirates.

Put some on them. Just never did. Can I say one thing? Just yesterday on the internet, I've been watching a lot of baseball because I got this MLB.TV that brings baseball games into my Xbox. And this thing is great. TV that brings baseball games into my Xbox. And this thing is great. If anybody out there is a baseball fan, especially if your favorite team

is not in the place where you live, it is just amazing. Because you can watch every game except for the local games. So you can't watch the local games because of local TV deals. They're blacked out. But if your favorite team is not the local team, I can literally watch

every San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics game unless they're playing the Los Angeles Angels or Dodgers. Right. And it has just been a blast. Anytime I need to kind of sit back, relax, and space out, now that I've watched every episode of American Pickers, I can just watch the baseball game. And it's been really a great pleasure for me. I recommend it. But I started thinking about it and I looked on the internet and I realized that the Cleveland Indians still use this mascot called Chief Wahoo, which is what is essentially... And here's the thing.

Like, I'm not necessarily against... and here's the thing like i'm not necessarily against i i think it's a a little weird the sports mascot indian dynamic yeah you know it's a little weird but it's not necessarily bad um it's awkward but not bad right chief wahoo who was designed in the current version was designed in the 50s and his roots go back to like the teens of the 20s is just super super racist how so it is like like if you imagine like like um like a like aunt jemima from 1925 yeah yeah yeah and then you make that an ind chief, that is what it is. It is just is that. Like, it is not a deluded version of that. That is what it is.

Yeah, what's the talking point from the other side when people say that's super racist? Like, there is none. That's what's so weird about it. Like, there's no reason for it to still be there yeah like they have a different hat they could wear that has a c on it they could just wear that hat yeah yeah yeah they could still be called the indians i mean here's the thing like there are american indian activists that are opposed to american indians being mascots in general. And I respect that.

Maybe, I mean, just to offset it, should there be, you know, like there's probably a city out there that doesn't have a team. Should the, you know, maybe there, I don't know, who doesn't have a team these days that needs one? Let's say... Like a Louisville? Yeah, sure. The Louisville normal white guys. It's just a guy, he's in some slacks.

Yeah. Maybe he's in like a hoodie. Uh-huh. And, you know, It's just a guy. He's in some slacks. Yeah. Maybe he's in like a hoodie. Uh-huh. And, you know, he's just hanging out. And then so we can have, and then that can kind of branch out. But start there. And his signature dance is done to hate jealousy by the Gin Blossoms. And I mean,

even, yeah. And he just kind of sways. Yeah. He doesn't get too into it. No. Like, even the Washington Redskins, right right the football team in washington dc like redskin is a somewhat offensive it's not the probably not the most offensive term for an american indian but it is a certainly an at the very least an outdated term and moderately offensive and but that is i mean it is the name of the team so you at least have the argument it's hard to change the name of a team that's been the name of a team for like it's hard

you have to print up new letterhead and you know what i mean like that's a big deal this racist indian head they could just get rid of him. It's not a big deal. All they would need to do is get a new head for the mascot costume and a different patch for their shoulder. Yeah. They could make a contest out of it. Oh, sure. Get some local elementary school kids. There you go.

Like, this is something that, because ultimately, like, as much as, This is something that because ultimately, like as much as as much as, you know, there's weird semi racist, like sort of blithely ignoring dangerous racial grounds and like the Florida State Seminoles and, you know, the white guy dressed up as an Indian that rides a horse around on the field with a spear or whatever. Like, these sorts of things. Like, that's definitely dicey territory that I'm not crazy about. However, this Chief Wahoo, it's just a super racist thing from 1930. Yeah. Like, that's all it is. It's time to turn the page. And let's be clear.

It's not even like it's like um you know like people could be like well what about the notre dame fighting irish like that's a super racist irish guy yeah but that's a super racist irish guy uh number one uh substantially that irish guys get tattooed on them yeah there's some native amer who had that. Substantially buying for Irish people. Right. And number two, by a group that has been subsumed into the dominant ethnic culture of the United States, which is to say that Irish people have been granted the privilege of whiteness in the United States. Do you think there are still some like just super old dudes who still don't like the Irish? Oh, yeah. Do you think there's maybe some?

Yes, there definitely are, but they're a much smaller number than the enormous racial problems that American Indians have to face on a day-to-day basis. And it's seriously, it's like, it is like they were called the Sambos. It is like they were called the Japs. And they had a hat that had a guy with huge bifocal glasses and buck teeth.

Right. And you're just like, how is that real? Yeah. Like, how is this still real? Like, just don't. Just use the one with the C. You've got it. They have one with the C.

Just use the one with the C. You don't even have to make a big deal out of it. Just sort of quietly ease. Yeah, phase it out. Look, recently the Miami Marlins, formerly the Florida Marlins, switched their logos to look like essentially an adult softball team that's sponsored by a Caribbean-themed restaurant. How so?

They are black. Their shirts are black. And they have a plate of jerk chicken on them. It's their new logo. They seriously, I can't even begin to describe, black and day glow. I didn't know they became the Miami Marlins. If you imagine what the Tourism Board of Florida, how they would create if they had a big budget to create the logo for the Miami Convention Center and they chose black as the background, that's what the New Orleans logo is. So if they can do that, you can just get rid of the racist head.

I see it in my head. It's like the font from the logo of In Living Color. Yeah. And those colors on black. It is genuinely, I mean, I just. It's the font that would be in an anti-drug PSA in 1993. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like drugs are whack or something and it's glowing. God damn it. Yeah. It is. Kip Winger would say a thing. Okay. Look at Chief Wahoo. I've seen Chief Wahoo. Yeah, yeah. Okay, look at Chief Wahoo.

I've seen Chief Wahoo. Okay, you know Chief Wahoo. Isn't that like, what is the reason? Why does that still exist? That's going to have to change at some point, so why not now? Why not get to it? They started protesting it in 1993. That's 20 years ago now.

Change the shit. Change that shit. Okay, anyway. We do have some telephone calls on this jocks versus nerds question that okay led me into this rant about chief wahoo fair enough let's get into it hey guys this is adam from bloomington illinois i was calling about the jocks and nerds issue i think that jocks dress like they want to be a nerd, and nerds just dress like they're kind of poor and dirty. And also, you were talking about the Mets and their knuckleball pitcher, and I thought it was important that his name is R.A. Dickey. Thanks, love the show. Bye.

R.A. Dickey is actually going to be on an upcoming episode of bullseye yeah he wrote a uh he wrote an autobiography about his uh transition to becoming a knuckleball pitcher knuckleballs are by the way one of the best things about baseball okay why uh because they are a special pitch uh that takes incredible dedication to learn their defining characteristic is that the ball doesn't spin at all. So normally when you throw a ball, it spins and that's what makes it go fast and break. A knuckleball doesn't spin at its best. It spins maybe half a spin over the course of between the pitcher's mound and home plate. And so it goes any crazy direction it wants to. It's typically literally 40 miles an hour slower than a regular pitch.

And also many people who throw it, they get their best at it in their mid-40s. Really? Yes. And so only like one guy a generation actually has the balls to admit that they throw it, then gets good enough at it to throw it in the major leagues, then will throw it until he's 48. Uh-huh. So is that Jamie Moyer guy? Is he a knuckleball guy?

No. He's not unlike that, though. He's the non-knuckleball equivalent. Gotcha. He's an American hero, I would say, though. A note on the dressing. So what brought me to kind of theorize about this is i feel like my the people i hang around with are pretty universally nerds and i feel like more more uh more and more i am being

alienated in discussions when everyone wants to talk about sports um my, I would say that the closest thing I have in my life to coming into contact with jocks, uh, I live in West Hollywood. And when, uh, when things start to get a little bit gayer, the kind of, uh, buff sporty guys come out. Yeah. And I will say this, that I see those guys more and more wearing superhero t-shirts. Uh, a lot of Green Lanterns. There's a lot of Captain America stuff. I don't know. I know that this isn't necessarily speaking to this,

but yeah, I do know that it's funny that those, you know, the goofy pop culture t-shirt that, you know, they put on all the guys on the Big Bang Theory. Like, that is something that just a jock will wear. Right. Anyway, because he loves nintendo yeah you know what this has been going on for a long time like it's not the the prominent like the alpha male in our society is not so much a jock anymore you know what i mean like there aren't too many sports heroes sure people get excited about like it's when i was you know the the like the rock music of my youth was like van

halen and bon jovi and all this like triumphant stuff right and like in the 90s it became like corn and all this like you know my uncle molested me music yeah you know that became like that was corn's second album wasn't it my uncle molested me yeah and and like by molested me it they just meant gave me these corn rows right yes yeah molested me with my just meant gave me these cornrows, right? Yes, yeah. Molested me with these. Molested my hair. But yeah, like it's – and now it's – I mean Seth Rogen I guess is a few years old. But there's no like joxy sort of male role model.

Yeah, like Will Ferrell is what passes for a bro today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Will Ferrell is what passes for a bro today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. You know, I read some article. I forget. The showrunner of some kind of macho show.

And he was talking about why all of the big action stars. And I think whatever show he was doing, his star was an Australian doing an American accent. And so, yeah. And so funny that he talked talked and so the thing was like why are all our action stars foreign why is it jason statham and chris hemsworth uh and not you know their american equivalent he said something about like the art the jockey guys aren't i don't know there's something about how you know if you are a jockey guy you're not encouraged to cone your acting chops.

Like being theatrical is not something you can do. Those are both separate. I don't know. Anyway. Yeah, there's no – like the Venn diagram, they don't overlap. Sure. You'll never become a great actor like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Right, yeah.

No. Or The Rock. I will say coming out of UC, when I will finish a show, usually they're letting the next show in, and it is just one superhero t-shirt after another, and a mustache or a scraggly beard or whatever, and it's just, it's like that is the look of the comedy world now, whether you grew up nerdy or not.

That is what you affect now. You know? Well, there is somebody on the message board said that just all that's left to to draw the line is just are you on the autism spectrum yeah right yeah yeah and there is a certain amount of there is a certain there still remains in some circles this this kind of well, at the very at the very least, I still smell bad. Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, I'm still kind of gross or, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like I still alienate people aesthetically or. to alienate people aesthetically um or but what's interesting to me is something that is entirely new that i found through doing put this on is um the first of all the fetishization of the aesthetics of nerdery the classic aesthetics of nerdy which is to say the um you know the sort of tom brown uh this sort of 1960s everything in its place aesthetic of nerdery, sort of NASA engineer aesthetic, which, you know, the ultimate square type aesthetic is a very interesting thing. In addition to the everyone wears an ironic T-shirt part of. And I think that's a very interesting cultural phenomenon in terms of jocks becoming nerds i mean that's more you know fashion types becoming nerds but fashion types would have hated to be associated with uh squares at some point yeah and there was a there was a

very powerful movement to define who could be the squarest square that you know is maybe losing a little steam at this point but um but it's still there. It's refreshing. Yeah. Yeah. It's a square. I embrace it. Yeah. And then there's Affliction t-shirts,

which is just a whole world apart. Yes. You know what I mean? Those are for pussy aficionados. Yeah. We do have one more call on this topic. Okay. Hi, this is Matt Stills from Atlanta.

I wanted to call in with my opinion on your question about the divide between nerds and jocks. I think you guys are certainly right that the line has blurred, but it's certainly acceptable for jocks to play video games and obviously for nerds to like sports, obviously for nerds that like sports, but it's the type of video games that now differentiates you from being, you know, your classic nerd versus your classic jock. Jocks that play video games would be into your, like, sports video games like Madden, the Madden series,

Call of Duty, really mainstream titles like that, where your traditional nerd would be more into Skyrim and stuff like that. But I would classify myself as a traditional nerd, and I'm a big sports fan, and so are most of my friends. and we bring the nerdiness into it by doing fantasy, like fantasy football, et cetera, which is basically just, it's almost like Dungeons & Dragons, except for sports fans. So I hope that helps you guys out.

Bye. I think fantasy sports is a huge, I mean, the rise of fantasy sports has happened essentially, Jordan, in our, I mean, I started, this is a very nerdy admission, The rise of fantasy sports has happened, essentially, Jordan, in our... I mean, I started... Sure. This is a very nerdy admission, but I started playing rotisserie baseball, the original fantasy sport, when I was 11. Yeah.

And that was at a time when you still had to explain to everyone what fantasy sports were. No one knew what that was, and that's 19 years ago now and in that time fantasy sports has gone from the most marginal of hobbies um you know something that had existed for literally you know rotisserie baseball then had existed for 10 years yeah um in the world at all uh to the most mainstream thing in the world where you you know, Paul Scheer and our other pals who are on the league can – like they – like people like bro out to them because of fantasy football. Right. Which is like a bro activity even though it is genuinely the nerdiest thing on earth. Right. But it – there could be money.

You could win money. Sure. Right? Yeah. That transcends everything. I mean you could – there's a pot at the end of it, right? Yeah be money. You could win money. Sure. Right? Yeah. That transcends everything. I mean, there's a pot at the end of it, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Okay, the thing, like, that guy got into some very fine distinctions of video games and stuff like that and kind of lost me a little bit. But I think, and I don't know if you guys covered this when you brought up this to begin with, but when I grew up, to be nerdy, like the nerdy kids, what made them nerdy was that they were into things that isolated them, whether it was comic books or video games or whatever. They would do these things that they and they alone would do. There was no public forum for any of these things to happen. Sure. Now, it's like it is video games that you do with other people or it's comic books and there's a store and there's like a vibrant community around it. And so you meet other people. Or it's comedy. You go out to shows or you do with other people. Or it's comic books and there's a store and there's like a vibrant community around it.

And so you meet other people. Or it's comedy. You go out to shows or you do shows or whatever. And so it all results in you being out of your house and being social with other people. So like that used to be what made jocks different from anyone else was that they were outside of their school and mixing with other people and being social.

You know what I mean? And now everyone can do that. Everyone has access to that. There's an internet. If you have this one weird thing that you're super focused on, if you fucking make doll clothes or whatever that you used to have to do in your basement alone, there's a community for you. And you can be social in that you are brought out of your home. So the distinctions are falling. Is that still true?

I think so. Is that true? Has the internet made that the case for somebody that, I mean, we see that being the case because we live in LA and we're in the comedy world. But that wouldn't necessarily be the case even if we lived in a, I mean, it would be a lot harder even if we were just comedy people in San Francisco or Seattle or something like that. I mean, it's possible, but it's a lot, it would be a lot trickier. Yeah, but it's still... Certainly, if we were in, you know, Phoenix or something, then even a relatively broad interest like comedy becomes tough.

A little bit, but you still, like, it'll get you out of your house. There are enough people to get you out of your house. You know, and speaking to this guy, I don't know that I completely agree that it's type of game. I think that he, you know, what he said that, you know, there are the designated frat guy games

and those include Madden and Halo and Call of Duty and, you know, an old Guitar Hero from five years ago. Yeah. But I think, I think, I think, I honestly think that if you go... Not the new Jonathan Colton Guitar Hero. Right, yeah. I think that if you go... Not the new Jonathan Colton guitar hero. Right, yeah. I think that if you go into a frat house these days,

you will probably find a fair amount of Skyrims. You will probably find a fair amount of, you know, Borderlands and Street Fighters and Mortal Kombats and everything. I think that what separates is how much are you into it and how much does it affect your your socializing yeah yeah you know and i but i yeah but i think i think obscure interests affect your socializing less now sure because there are ways for you to connect with other people right and that is what makes a nerd a nerd is like or if you're completely isolated in your basement you know what i mean

like the the classic image is somebody alone in a basement i don't think that's true anymore listen guys i think we can all agree that you know we are in kind of a world where where where the cultural line is being blurred but guys who do model trains are still fucking weird still super weird weird but i mean when you see like a really big model train set it's still kind of of neat, though. It's super cool. Yeah. You want to walk on it like Godzilla. The result. Oh, me hungry. Exactly like that. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan and Jesse go Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morse boy detective

I'm Dave Holmes momentous come around for the hot buns contest we will meet you at the sky vodka ice bar

shut shut shut Dave what is bottle service? What happens to that? I've never done it myself, but from what I understand, you buy a bottle for like $300 or something stupid.

And you get a booth or a cabana or whatever, a private table. A J-O hot tub. A J-O hot tub. And so let's say you get a $300 bottle of Sky Vodka. Right. That is there.

That is your base for the night. And then they bring you mixers, your cranberry juice, your club soda, your tonic water. Then you make drinks. And it's kind of you're sort of in charge. And people can come by and they can be like, hey, you want a vodka soda or whatever. It does not appeal to me exactly. So I've never done it. Right.

There is a tragic, really super sad. You have your own hot tub to fuck in. I do, actually. I do. And yeah, and whatever. But there's a terrible. Long story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to get into that.

I'm not going to get into that. Save it for another podcast. But there's a really sort of tragic new gay bar in the Valley. And they have a couple of private little rooms and they do bottle service and uh and and ben and i like we you know we want it we want there to be a good gay bar in the valley right so we'll stop by is that do you guys live there yeah okay and uh and so we popped in and it was like there were like three people there and and like one of the cabanas and somebody had done bottle service and like two of his friends were there and it was just like, it was real awkward because they're sitting on the bottle.

We probably could have just sat here anyway. Yeah, totally. Totally. And done it so much more cheaply. Yeah. Yeah. I don't,

I don't get it. Hmm. Models and bottles, baby. People say that. I, I did it once. Yep.

I was the guest. It was, it was in Las Vegas when I was press junketing, and I was the guest of a guy. I wish I could remember his name. He's someone who you might recognize as being on Extra. Okay. And it was a Jerry Penicoli? Was not.

Was it a? Young, handsome guy. Was it a Mario Lopez? Not Mario Lopez. I would have remembered that. Was it a Billy? No, Billy Bush is the other one. Not Billy Bush.

I don't know, then. Marv Albert? I think it was Marv Albert, because he bit me. Right. Can you not think of the name? Good Albert Poldrick. Or are you just being dramatic? No, I genuinely couldn't think.

I would say the name, because I can't imagine he listens to podcasts. I'll try and think of it. But yeah, so I mean, he arranged for it. And it was just like, oh, hey, I got a bottle of service. You guys want to come? Granted, I was already pre-Blackout Drug when I got there, but it was pretty fun. Okay, sure. All right, fine.

Yeah. If it's not yours, I bet it's a black. Yeah, it was definitely not mine, and I could definitely, like, pour a drink and then just hand it to a random. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. That's a good time. Anyway. For you.

Thanks, Extra Guy. I wonder who it is. Yeah, me too. Hey, Jordan. I started the call. I'm sorry. I had the timing perfect. But, me too. Hey, Jordan. I started the call. I'm sorry. I had the timing perfect. But can I get this out?

Yeah. You know how like – I think it's extra or maybe Access Hollywood. It's like some of it is at the Grove and then some of it is in New York and Times Square or whatever. And they're surrounded by people really excited about news or whatever. I watched recently like right after Whitney Houston had died and Maria Menounos was in Times Square with a bunch of people, and she was delivering a story. And so she's surrounded by this group of like extra fans or whatever, but everybody had to be super solemn. So it's like a crowd in Times Square all like, So we're going to pay a tribute to America's songstress, Whitney Houston,

and coming up next, Selena Gomez's hot beach bod. Okay. She's got a hot beach bod. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. Thank you. I was listening to your podcast about nerdery and decided I needed to call in about the momentous occasion I just had.

I'm listening to your podcast while I was driving to a meetup with a gentleman that I know in passing in a shady parking lot. I know you'll be anticipating fun things happening, but in reality I was there to give him $20 for two bags of Legos so that my friend and I can use them to play a tabletop RPG. Yes, I was meeting a man in a shady parking lot for Legos.

Anyway, bye. Wait, I don't understand any of what happened there Wait, the part that blew my mind So buying Legos from a guy in a parking lot Look I understand that adults play with Legos Sure, it happens I can totally, I can see that

It's not my thing, but it's not any weirder than model trains or whatever. Legos are available, though, in the marketplace. I think maybe he's saying Lego like you would say Q-Tip, where the product name is a stand-in for what it is, but I think these were probably special parts for this particular tabletop RPG. Let's say Warhammer, which is one of them that I know. So, wait. This is the thing that I don't understand.

That's the part that I don't get. So I know what a tabletop RPG is. RPG stands for role-playing game. Right. So a Dungeons & Dragons type of game. Yeah. Sure. And a tabletop RPG is the kind where you have little figurines.

Right. That you hand paint. So is this like Lego Star Wars or Lego Indiana Jones on the PlayStation? I don't think so. Where it's sort of like a children's version of, say, Warhammer, where you have little Lego guys going around instead of actual dragons? instead of actual dragons. Yeah, but that was what I assumed, was just that the pieces to these games,

which I think are pretty expensive and rare and priced for the rabid fan. And I want to make it clear, don't call and explain. Right, yeah. That would be boring for us to listen to. There's an explanation, keep us out of it. I want to live in mystery. I'm enjoying being in the world of mystery.

Yeah. So, yeah, I think that probably what he was talking about was what not that he just paid for a bag of Legos because that's, right, you go to Target for that. But I think these were probably specific pieces for this game that act as Legos do. I see. Where there's a snapping element. I see. Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. That makes sense. Okay. That makes sense. Next call. Next call. Where there's a snapping element. I see. Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. That makes sense.

Okay. Next call. Next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. This is Haley calling from Oakland, and I have a momentous occasion. I am prepping for a tutoring session and looking for worksheets on an education website, and I just found one on anatomy, specifically on the spine, and it's called Learn the Bone Zone.

Yes. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. We love you too, Natalie. Yeah, I like her a lot. Yeah, sorry. I already know about it.

I don't need a diagram. Everyone, meet me at the Bone Zone. For the wet t-shirt contours. That's an 18 and over club, right, Dave, in Biloxi, Mississippi? Absolutely. The Bone Zone for the wet t-shirt cutters. That's an 18 and over club, right Dave? Yeah. In Biloxi, Mississippi? Absolutely.

The Bone Zone. The Bone Zone. It's a chain. I just got bottle service at the but actually, you know,

I don't drink so it was just a two liter of Dr. Pepper. That's great and it cost you $375. But it was the

commemorative Avengers two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper. Yeah, so I got to commemorate I got to commemorate i got to commemorate can i say something very quickly about uh momentous occasion may i say sure last time i was here somebody had a momentous occasion where they realized they were gender

queer yeah remember that yeah and i which was not a concept that i was familiar we are heroes to the gender queer community i want to make that clear and i think that that is like the proudest thing of anything that I am. Great. I still don't understand what it is. But I feel like I was very dismissive of that person. And I want to apologize to you out there. Hey.

And I hope that you are very happy. I felt weird about it because it is not a thing that I understand. You know what I like? You know what I like about being heroes to the genderqueer community? Here's the thing. I'll explain it to you, Dave. There was a time, and we talked about this on Jordan Desigo,

where I was jealous of your Margaret Cho's, these people who are gay icons. Right. And I thought your shares, and I thought it just seemed fun to be a gay icon. Right. I mean, exhausting, but fun. Sure.

And I thought that I might like to be one of the first sort of straight, completely non-diva-oriented gay icons. Okay, okay. And I hadn't worked out the path to it, but I thought that might be a good career goal for me. But again, after years of working on it, I couldn't get there. I couldn't work out what it would be about me. It's a very difficult thing to do without the very least fake eyelashes. Yeah. You're going to have to start drinking.

Yeah. There's going to have to be some sort of tragic flaw. Some shit's going to have to go down. There's going to have to be some sort of tragic flaw. Something. Some shit's going to have to go down. There's going to have to be a downfall. Yeah. So, however, here's the nice thing about being heroes to the genderqueer community, whatever it is, whether it's the trans community, whatever. Like these people have a very difficult time of it in the broader culture. Right.

Right. Number one, they're not represented at all. No. Number two, when they are represented, it's generally just as the butt of a shitty joke. All we have to do to become heroes to the genderqueer community, as far as I can tell, is recognize their humanity. Yeah, acknowledge them as people. Yes, yes, exactly. And that's, like, basically what all of our interactions have been,

all of our interactions, like, we'll have the occasional person who's, you know, who's decided to, you know, pursue the gender that they believe themselves to be as a momentous occasion like once every six months or a year we'll have something like this and the mere fact that we respect that as a human thing to do has literally led to numerous people emailing me and saying hey it really means a lot to me that you weren't nightmarishly cruel. I gotta find more shit like this. Yeah, I'm

over it till we can monetize it, though. We gotta monetize this. Fantasy genderqueer. Yes, I like this. Y'all need to start competing with each other out there. In some way, you decide. We gotta figure out what it is. We gotta figure out what it is. So whatever... You're you decide we gotta figure out what it is on you we gotta figure out what it is so whatever it you're right we gotta figure out what is what is the fucking

pot of gold at the end of this rainbow this genderqueer rainbow yeah i am sick and tired of being a decent a human being just for the sake of being human, I gotta fucking, I gotta cash a few checks here, Jordan. Gotta get paid. Got to stack that paper. Got to get the yaper. I mean, the few episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race that I have seen,

I think probably the easiest thing we can do is a lip syncing contest. Sure. Right. Those usually go real well. That's a little stereotypical. No, you're right. And genderqueer, to me, and I've done the tiniest bit of research since then, doesn't seem to be for show. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's not like somebody's putting on their face to go out and perform or whatever. It's about how one lives one's daily life. Yeah. I think most of your RuPaul's Drag Race, and now I've not seen RuPaul's Drag Race, I will admit. I think most of your RuPaul's and now I've not seen RuPaul's Drag Race I will admit

although from every description of it that I've heard it sounds like the reality television show that I'm most likely to enjoy that's not American Pickers. It's pretty enjoyable. It's fun. Well or Canadian Pickers. It's fun. It's not as like groundbreaking as people like to say that it is because it really could have been on VH1

in 1994 in its present form and it's every cheap blowjob joke in the world oh totally yeah but yeah it's still it's like you know every blowjob joke you know in the world it's just it's it's very entertaining but it's it's also like it's well isn't that aren't all of these shows just shows they could have been on like there's no one is breaking any ground in the field of non-fiction television right at all like there's been no creativity in this genre at all no like as far as i understand that was the great innovation adding jennifer tilly yeah the big the big advance the big more sense too yeah like since survivor the big advance in in reality television was the thing on the one with silo

where like for a while they're turned with their back to the contestant or something right that was big isn't that something yeah that's something yep i don't know yeah i heard they're gonna have the goody mob on that one oh really you know we'll see what those people who like silo think of the goody mob the fucking the shit i go out for in reality tv is just ridiculous i can only imagine i i because you just because you you have hosted a fair number of television shows where the where all like all i can imagine that the casting notice said was just guy who is good at hosting a television show. No, I mean, yeah, I go out for everything. Right.

Because usually with this kind of thing, they cast a very wide net and I go out for everything. Pleasant man. Yeah, man who can talk. Great, I'm in. I'm in. But years ago, I made the joke that I got auditions for Don't Fall in That Hole

and Let's Punch a Pretty Girl in the Face or whatever. Well, fucking a year ago. Diarrhea Club. Yeah. A year ago there was fucking Don't Fall in That Hole on NBC. It was a thing where if you get a question wrong, you fall in a hole. You know what I mean? So it's like it is ridiculous.

Anyway. That's pretty good. It wasn't called Don't Fall in That Hole. I don't remember what it was called, but you would fall in a hole. And then they would do it again in slow motion and watch you fall. It was really bad. Ben Bailey got that one. Good for him.

Stack it up, Ben Bailey. God bless him. Jesse, Jordan, probable guest. This is Alex from Williamsburg. Ben Bailey. Is that the guy who invented Orville Redenbacher popcorn? That's correct. Rick, Massachusetts. Got a momentous occasion for you. from William... Ben Bailey. Is that the guy who invented Orville Redenbacher popcorn? That's correct....Massachusetts.

Got a momentous occasion for you. Earlier today, I was standing at the bus stop in Northampton, Massachusetts. Standing next to me

was a Tibetan monk in full saffron robes, color-coordinated sneakers, a North Face backpack, listening to his iPod also for some reason he had a Canadian flag sticker on the backpack so your move San Francisco see you guys later

this dude has not been listening to this show very long because if he had been he would have heard about the Tibetan monk that lived at my house for a while, Benito, a.k.a. Burrito, which is what my brother Brendan called him because he was too little to know what Benito was, who watched the entire...

This was the year that Mia Hamm was a celebrity. Yeah. And he watched that entire thing, the Women's World Cup, with a borderline masturbating. This tiny Southeast Asian man, just in his full-on robes, everything you described except for the Canada sticker. Just with a boner like a diamond. Just drooling over these women's soccer players in the Women's World Cup. Wow.

Burrito. Burrito. I, in college, my senior year of college. Check, let me just say, checkmate. Checkmate. San Francisco. Oh, but guess what? There's three players in this game.

Ho, ho, ho. Try part-time chess. In 1993, I was on my like student activities board and we got arrested development the band to play at our uh our campus and if you remember all of them all of them not just speech but also baba oj uh yes is he the old guy yes okay because you know there were like 38 of them right and and there was baba oye or oj whatever okay and he would sit in like a rocking chair for most of the thing and he was sort of like their spiritual leader or whatever but really his his he would just sit in the center of the stage in a

rocking chair and then occasionally like if there was a drum break he would grab his walking stick and get up and get out the chair and dance or whatever and so like he was supposed to be their spiritual leader right so i had to go to the, to the Worcester airport and pick them up. And I did in the big student activities van and they all get in. Last one is Baba OJ. He sits down and he goes, where the pussy at? Double checkmate.

Where the pussy at? Double checkmate. Yep. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan. Jesse go. checkmate. We'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jesse Go Brothers? Started bugging out Bugging out

Taking the n-word route n-word route the 40 ounce disrespect in my black queen black queen holding their crotches and being obscene obscene it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morse boy detective dave Holmes, holding their crotches and being obscene. It's weird, Jordan. You were not even, it's like you weren't even participating in our recitation of the lyrics of People Every Day by Arrested Development. Yeah, what's up with that? It's not that I don't like the band.

I ain't Ice Cube, but I might have to take a brother out for being rude. That's right. I'm just saying it was personal. It was personal. It was to make both of you feel uncomfortable. Okay, well, it worked. Yeah, I'm sorry. Dave, it's been such a joy to have you on our program.

It's been such a joy to be here. As always. I planned it this way. I said, I'm going to need to pick me always. I planned it this way. I said, I'm going to need to pick me up. I'm tired. Yep. You know, the baby's been waking up at 4.45 in the morning and just ready for the day. Yeah, that's right.

But you know what? Dave Holmes came in here. He delivered. Ain't you nice. Thank you. This is absolutely tremendous. And Dave, I am really excited about a new season

of your web series A Drink With Dave thank you very much which is as beautiful as it is entertaining thank you very much and not just because

of your handsome puss oh thanks yeah we're doing a kickstarter starting I think this coming week raising cats for season two

won't you donate people can go to the internet website, which is drinkwithdave.com, right? That is correct. We should have a link up Monday or Tuesday or, I don't know, sometime soon. When you're listening to this, the link will be up. And I think you kick a few bucks to a Drink With Dave,

you get to enjoy Dave Holmes doing what he does best, which is making interesting people more interesting by his charm and wit and engaging on-screen manner. You motherfucker's going to make me cry. Isn't that right?

Yeah. That's a pretty good summary, right? That sums it up. That'll do it. Thank you so much. My God. You put a little pep in my step, you guys. And Jordan and I have some important news.

On May 10th... Oh, I already said that I had figured someone in a movie theater. Oh. So. Jordan and I have some important news. On May 10th... Oh, I already said that I had figured someone in a movie theater. So... May 10th, our friends at This American Life are having a nationwide screening of a live show of theirs in movie theaters. And so we are hosting a nationwide Max fun meetup of people going to it um jordan and i along with uh brian and aaron from throwing shade our max fun colleagues oh fun i like those guys are the best uh we'll be hosting uh the los angeles edition which will be

at the burbank amc burbank 16 on may 10th and then the meetup afterwards will be at the Burbank, AMC Burbank 16 on May 10th. And then the meetup afterwards will be at Buffalo Wild Wings. Across the street from the theater. What day of the week is this? It's a Thursday, I believe. Oh, you guys mean Boneless Thursdays?

Yes, I believe so. 35 cent boneless wings? That's what you guys meant to say, right? Yes, I think we meant to say. Guys, happy hour starts at 10, too. Great. 10 o'clock happy hour starts back up at 10. Nice.

Talking $3 drafts, $3 wells, and free fun. Jordan has had to moonlight as a waiter at the... I would. But we really are having this meetup. And also there is a thread on our forum. There are folks hosting local meetups all over the country. Um, and you should either host one yourself or head to one.

Uh, our, for example, our friend Zach Linder is hosting one in New York at the AMC Empire 25, uh, with the meetup, uh, right around the corner

at a Dave and Buster's. So you should join him for that. But there are... Charge up that card. Charge up that power card. There are ones everywhere from Vermont to Savannah to... I mean, there is a long list.

Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Iowa City, all kinds of Max Funsters all over everywhere. The Twin Cities, Austin, Texas, Cleveland, the Bay Area, North Carolina. Just go to the Maximum Fun Forum, click on the shows, and you'll see the thread there. Post up in there, and we'll get a comprehensive list together. Whether or not you get your tickets ahead of time for this American Life show, it's going to be a real blast. It features a lot of amazing talent, and it's going to be really fun. But also, join us at the meetup afterwards one way or the other, and we will see you then and there. Take a picture of you and your friends at Buffalo Wild Wings.

And hey, one last thing. Hashtag it BW3 for discounts. I'm not going to spill any real specific beans but let me just say that if you live east of the Mississippi it might be worth your while this week to visit MaxFunCon.com

I'm not spilling any beans. Nary a bean was spilled. That was tantalizing. They are all still in the can. I'm just saying go to maxfuncon.com. Tantalize your audience. Half your audience. Well, it has been a delight to have you here Dave Holmes. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me.

We'll talk to you another time, I hope. Jordan, of course, it's always a pleasure. Thank you. I'm sorry that I'm going to have to let you go after the show yeah you know I had a good run we'll see you next time on Jordan Jessica can I be on David Graham show yeah sure why not oh great

yeah we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica Hello there, my name's Graham Clark. And I'm Dave Shumka. And together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about, you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are?

Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. And every week, we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus, we're Canadian, so you get a tax break.

You can find us on iTunes or online at MaximumFun.org. Huh? Ooh. Spell.