Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 222: The Letters of Jerry Garcia with Matt Besser

Episode Date: April 30, 2012

Matt Besser from Improv4Humans stops by to discuss the Grateful Dead Archive, the things a suburban man must do and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, we're joined by the great Matt Besser, and we discuss the possibility of the perfect hotbox.

Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day here at the top of the mountain. It's not the top of the mountain at all. The top of the pops? Yeah, we are at the top of the pops. Sure.

That's true. Move over, Adele. Here comes Jordan Jesse Goh. Yeah. Is that what's going on? Yeah, I mean, well, we were certainly unseating Adele. Yes. America's favorite fancy thing to listen to i went to this um public radio conference and uh this public radio host whose name i i shan't mention made this big presentation one of the core parts of the presentation was a sort of brag about breaking Adele in Canada. And it was sort of the premise of this was how cool his show was.

Right. And I honestly, I like the show in question, but I would not make breaking Adele in Canada the centerpiece of any coolness-based campaign of any kind. Yeah, it was only a matter of time before Adele and Canada got together, you know? I think that's, I mean, that is such a match made in heaven. Like, I don't really know anything about Adele other than maybe the chorus to her song

and the fact that she's good for women's body images. I know those, these are the two things I know about Adele. But it's, like, if someone told me, oh, yeah, she's Canadian, like, these are the two things I know about Adele. But it's, like if someone told me, oh yeah, she's Canadian, like it would not be a surprise to me at all.

It seems like such a Canadian thing. Yes, I, the look, there's, let's introduce our guest and we can get deeper into this.

Yeah, I want to comment on that. Important subject. You, you know him as one of the members of the Upright Citizens Brigade as one of the founders of the Improv for Humans podcast, Legend of Comedy.

You know him, of course, as a male stripper on the hit television program New Girl, Mr. Matt Besser. Hey, Matt. Thank you. So her image is good for women's body image? What did you say? She's got a very realistic body shape. How did you put it? She's good for women's body image? What did you say? She's got a very realistic body shape. How did you put it? She's good for women's body images.

Adele is. So if someone said, I'm dating this new girl and she's good for women's body issues, does that paint a picture for you? Yeah. It just means that you're dating a husky lady. Sure.

She's huskier. Wow, you guys beat around the bush. Were you early? Yeah, well, we went to UC Santa Cruz, and I don't know if you know anything about this institution. So you might say that we're pretty good for women's body issues. Are you saying that's a big granola hippie kind of school? It is, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I've been to your 420 day there i think we've had that discussion oh right yeah yeah for your uh for your comedy central pilot yeah you guys shot a sketch there and found them to be humorless they're really uptight about weed yeah that was very serious about it yeah i feel like them yeah i feel like santa cruz and weed are kind of like adele in canada in that way they're very sincere yeah oh i see yeah i mean santa cruz has a very passionate love affair i mean santa cruz is deeply engaged in marijuana the way that aunts and uncles are deeply engaged in the ballads of Adele. I think,

right. It's just, it just, it's something it's like, it's been, they, they felt like they were adrift. They found something.

They finally found something that really meant something to them. And they don't want you to mess with that. You know what I mean? Yes. It's just one has probably has more. Fucking Grateful Dead museums there, right? It's not a museum. It's like it's like their archive.

Yes. What does that mean? Is it a sound cloud? The archive? Is his missing finger there? There's a there's a there's a hermetically sealed chamber where you can roll around in his beard trimmings. Jerry Garcia's beard trimmings. What does that mean, though?

What is archived there? It's just a hot box that's been preserved for 25 years. Right. Oh, that'd be amazing. A perfectly sealed... How long does weed smoke last? Just a listening... The perfect hot box.

It's just a listening room where all the chairs have beaded seat covers. It's the letters of, you know, the letters of Jerry Garcia, I think. You know what? It's not even the letters. I took a class that... He had a famous correspondence with Ezra Pound, right? Jerry Garcia.

And Groucho Marx. Yeah. Just, you know, trading quips and observations. They were known as the Tripartite Commission. It's from Jerry Garcia and Groucho Marx. Oh, sorry, you misspoke. It's the Algonquin Roundtable. Anyway, Matt Besser's our guest.

We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Bester, guest? Yeah. It's a popular nickname choice.

Oh, is that supposed to be my nickname? I'm known as the Guest. Yeah, I mean, if you say... Yo, I'm everybody's guest. I'm always on your couch. You know, that's good that you sold it like that, because I was about to say, well, Guest is okay, but it's a little bit of a cop-out. But you kind of added a life to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is, I appreciate that. You made it a proud choice. You added a little shtick. I like that. I like that you put a little material to it. It's good. I'm the guest.

I brought some wine over. I also like that you've taken a sort of classic, a classic kind of late 80s white guy doing a rap voice character and transposing wow late 80s that's insulting Jesse so tell me what the 2012 white guy doing a rap voice sounds like

it sounds like a white guy because it is a white guy but I like that I really do like this context that you've transposed it into. A gracious house guest. I guess I associate monikers with rappers. I guess that's where they came from. Dang, son.

This dip is hella nice. Okay, so some... I love what you've done with the place, sure i don't know is that 80s though that was 1992 specifically that was uh yeah that was that was uh that was robin williams um live at the uh i don't know yeah san francisco venue there you go i have something really really intense happened to me that i've i feel like like I really need to get off my chest. This is like one of the more intense things that has happened to me lately, which is... Wow.

Is this like the beginning of an SVU episode? Yeah. Wow. It's not that far. It's a... It's... Were you walking your dog and it found a placenta in the garbage? It's always in the garbage.

All right. I... Actual beginning to an actual SVU. So my dog's coke... a placenta in the garbage. It's always in the garbage. All right. Actual beginning to an actual SVU. So my dog's Coco, it is actually related to my dog. Okay. My dog's Coco and Sissy are terriers, are terrier mixes.

And so they are, they're really, and they're small, so they're really into, I mean, mostly they're into vermin. Like they're really into- I mostly they're into vermin like they're really into like you say garbage things that well they're coco will eat anything coco will eat a piece of wood if she finds it on the ground terriers are bred to go after vermin is that what you're saying yeah exactly i mean it depends on the size of the terrier but your smaller

terriers are often bred just to chase mice and rats and that kind of thing what about a possum yeah i might go after a possum but a possum is pretty big compared to my dogs possum is about the size of my dog is a raccoon raccoon is not vermin is it well it certainly is i mean it's vermin if you're if we're talking qualitatively like if we're talking about if we're trying to like make a value judgment, yes, a raccoon is vermin. Yeah. But I don't know if...

I don't care if they wash their food, okay? That's just, it's a fucking front. Yeah, when you wear a bandit's mask, I don't care if you're washing your food. You're a thief. Sure. So the main manifestation of this that has, you know, taken place in my life had for, well, for a long time, we lived in a more urban neighborhood than we live in right now.

And mostly what it meant was, if anything seems... An 80s rap neighborhood. Yes, exactly. A lot of guys carrying giant boom boxes, you know, just people dancing on cardboard. boxes, you know, just people dancing on cardboard. One time, once when I was a kid, they actually shot the movie Sister Act in my neighborhood, and they actually took actually a very nice part of my neighborhood and transformed it into an 80s rap neighborhood. Neon spray paint.

Literally, literally, they did that. That is an actual truth. There were bad parts of my neighborhood, too, that they could have used. But they took a nice part and put neon spray paint up that was up for about six weeks. And it just said something like, Dave is cool. Exactly. Very rudimentary understanding of tagging. So when I lived in a more urban neighborhood, they would see something sort of scuttly, a lot of times a bug or something

like that, and they just sort of dive for it. And that was never an issue. And sometimes if there's a spider or something in my house, they'll try and catch it. And that's not a problem. I mean, who likes spiders? I know that they catch other bugs that are worse and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Don't write to me, spider people. Right. Just one spider per household, please. spider people. Right. Just one spider per household, please. Exactly.

But it doesn't bother me at all. And since we've moved here to a more, I guess you would say, suburban context, they go after squirrels, which I knew was a thing. Dogs going after squirrels. Like fancy rats. Yeah. And the squirrels, I mean... Gay rats. Right. And the squirrels, I mean... Gay rats. Right, squirrely.

And I didn't have anything against the squirrels previously until they started getting into it with my dogs, and the squirrels get nasty. They go up the tree, and they start fucking with my dogs. Once they're up in the tree, they start going... Right, so it's mostly cursing. fucking with my dogs, once they're up in the tree, they start going, ah! Right, so it's mostly cursing. Yeah, and just lay low, squirrel. Do you think any of those are slurs?

Yeah. Do you think it's racial? I definitely think it's racial. My dogs are both Mexican, and I think that they're calling them Mexican. So it's not against the... It's a Mexican slur, not a dog slur? Yeah, I think it's a Mexican slur.

I think it's like Carlos Mencia. Oh, okay. Yeah, you know how he calls people Mexican slurs, and he's not Mexican? I was thinking, did Louis C.K. say something about Mexicans? No, no. And he stole that from him. Yeah, Carlos Mencia steals all Louis C.K.'s best slurs.

But the thing about the squirrels is, my dogs are pretty fast, but the squirrels are very fast. And also, the squirrels are, A, no fools, and B, can climb trees, and my dogs can't. Right. And so, and the squirrels are... B probably outweighs A by a lot. Yeah. So they are... I don't think my dog could ever catch a squirrel. No way.

And so while it's annoying that my dog is obsessed with the squirrels and my dog will go to the base of a tree and jump up in the air in hopes that one of the jumps will get it high enough that it can get into the branches of the tree. And it will do this for 20 solid minutes, barking continuously if I let it. Literally, if I don't go and grab it and pull it inside. And even if I pull it inside, it will sit at the back door, staring fucking daggers at that tree like, I dare you to come down, squirrel.

Like, I dare you. I will go through this door. But that I thought I could handle. You know, like, I can handle this. And my wife was thinking maybe we get a curtain for the back window door, you know, and then we don't have to deal with the dog staring at the tree. But all manageable, all sort of like modern life. My wife has gotten a curtain to keep me from certain things.

I eat too much chocolate and ice cream. She put a curtain over the fridge. I can't see it. Your wife just has one of those curtains like in a hospital room with two beds that she just moves around to control your field of vision enough tv matt um so the other day i'm out i'm out in my backyard and this is a i'm just preparing our audience for this is actually a little sad um i'm out in my backyard and i'm on the play mat with my baby and there's sort of we have'm on the play mat with my baby.

And we have this sort of play mat that has a little baby fence around it that the baby sits and plays in. And the dogs are out there, and they're barking and doing whatever. And I look over, and there's a bird. Oh, boy. I know where this is going. Simon was dressed up in his squirrel outfit. It's really cute. I mean, I understand why you dress him in it. And my dog is freaking out.

So I look over to see what my dog is freaking out about. And there's this bird sort of flying around my dog's head. And I'm thinking, why is this bird flying around my dog's head? And I look and there's this other bird on the ground that is, it's like not quite a baby bird. Sort of, it's flying into the air, but it can't really fly. Does that make sense? Sounds like a baby.

Right. into the air but it can't really fly does that make sense like it can baby it's right but i mean it's not it's not like it's not like cheap cheap cheap cheap you know little pink like it has feathers and stuff but it's it's not quite a full-grown it's like an adolescent bird and um and and i my dog is going for this bird and I flip the, I'm freaking out. And so I go after my dog and I'm yelling at my dog, leave it, leave it, leave it, which is her leave it command. And she's actually pretty good at it. But my dog is, I mean, this is all that exists in my, this is so powerful in my dog's mind to chase something like the the power of chasing something in my dog coco's brain is more powerful than carlos mencia's tendency to steal jokes it is like the most powerful thing and so this bird fell out of a nest i'm assuming i think it must have so here's

the thing so i i think it must have fallen out of the nest and it like i said it wasn't a little tiny bird it was getting up off the ground and before i could get there my dog got this bird and the bird was badly hurt i got my dog off the bird and my wife came out my wife flipped out uh everybody's flipping out at this point. She grabs the baby. She grabs the baby. I take the dog, put the dog in the house. And this bird is there.

And the bird is, I mean, the bird is badly hurt. And I had to kill the bird. And it was the most difficult, it was the hardest, grown-up-est thing I have ever, I mean, it was like, it was like one of those things. And it was weird because my wife was bawling in the, inside the house, holding the baby. The dogs were inside the house.

You know, they weren't, I told my wife, like, go away. Don't look at this. I looked at this bird and I realized, oh my God, there's no way that if I call the SPCA or whatever, that this bird is going to survive. It's too badly hurt. I am going to have to do some, like, I'm terrible at doing something like that. So you chewed up some food, regurgitated a last meal into its mouth. Boy, yeah, you know, I did this a lot as a kid. Our cat, they had a swallow's nest. The swallows would always build nests in our roof,

and my cat would pretty regularly grab the baby birds out of the nest and kind of leave them kind of flopping around. Jesse, you need to call the cleaner, man. Yeah, right? I'm like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. This guy, it's nothing to him. He comes in with his briefcase. Jordan opens his briefcase, takes out his air pistol, pumps it.

It's very clinical. Five pumps, no motions. it was brutal man it was really hard you dogs haven't killed anything before no they've never killed anything yeah i got i mean that's just i think that bird was dead when it fell out of the nest it wasn't i mean that's that's the thing the bird was not dead i mean if the bird if the bird was dead i mean cleaning up i mean it was doomed i guess it was there's no doubt about it i mean it was it was that that's ultimately the most difficult thing about it but like i said i mean it was so it was it was such a difficult situation because

if it had been a little tiny baby bird on the one hand i would have been super super sad because it would have been a little tiny baby bird didn't experience life yet but no but i mean little tiny baby bird is like a little tiny baby bird can um little tiny baby bird tiny baby bird i just i felt like i had no certainty of uh you know once it's out of the nest, it's gone forever. It's as good as dead because it wasn't little tiny baby bird. The bird should not be on the ground. That's true. If the bird is on the ground, something's already wrong. It should be soaring majestically.

That's true. So this happened... You're the Dr. Kevorkian of birds. I've had to clean up dead animals before that have been killed by... Hey, we've all worked at a fast food restaurant. I mean, my downstairs neighbors have a cat and two dogs, and I have two dogs, and animals also just die sometimes.

I have had to clean up... I've never had to clean up something as big as a possum or something really nasty. But, you know, I've had to clean up the occasional dead bird before i've had to trap animals in my backyard in los angeles we we you guys come out trap them you guys come out um raccoons we got new grass in our backyard and there were raccoons in it hold Hold on. So one day I woke up and I looked out the window and our grass was rolled up. You know how grass comes in big rolls? You just roll it down. It was completely rolled up, not torn up, not dug up, rolled up.

And I was like, what the fuck? Did some teenager? It just looked like the most bizarre. And this is three days after we put it down, so it hadn't grown roots yet. When modern teens talk about rolling, Matt, they're not talking about being on ecstasy anymore. They're talking about fucking with someone's landscaping. Modern teens are lame. So we Googled it, and sure enough, this is this thing that raccoons do.

They perfectly neatly roll up the grass to look for grubs. So we had raccoons, possums, and a skunk in our backyard. And we put down traps where they trap it and take it out to the deep woods, the service. But we trapped like three possums, a skunk, two raccoons. It was crazy. That's intense. How do you bait the traps? They put this feed inside the trap.

Is it an all-purpose feed? It must be. It's got all those different animals. Yeah, I'm wondering if you need a different feed for the different animal. We had a skunk out there for a little while, and the dogs wanted to fight the skunk. No, leave the skunk be, the skunk no leave the skunk be dogs number one the skunk is practically as big as the dogs

small animals these are small dogs number two what good can come of it what good could come of this is why I know my dogs are idiots because you could just leave the skunk be they don't make a pro and cons list my dogs have always loved shitty smells so maybe the dogs leave the skunk be. They don't make a pro and cons list.

My dogs have always loved shitty smells, though, so maybe the dog's like a skunk letting off its shit is fucking awesome. It's like LSD. That's very possible. Get some skunk. Yeah, I remember as a kid the first couple of times that the cat, you know, got some birds and kind of, you know, left them flopping on the doorstep. Like, it was weird not to be, like, having to learn to not be mad at the cat.

Yeah. To, like, you know, not think your animal is a cold-blooded murderer. Yeah. It's their nature, man. Yeah, they love it. But, you know, then they'll do something cute, and you're like, all right, get out of here. You don't even remember killing that bird. I just, like, I've, my parents have always had Shih Tzus.

And according to my mom's research, they originated in, I guess, Asia somewhere, maybe China specifically. But were trained to be in the big cuffs of the emperor and jump out at an attacker's neck and hold on. That was their specific training. And if you know a Shih Tzu, you're like, what? Look at this kill. The emperors of Japan had a great sense of humor. They're like, what would be the funniest attack animal? Their teeth do look...

If you look at their face blown up, it looks like a dragon or whatever. It does look scary, but they're tidy little dogs. The wildlife that's going on around here really upsets me. I don't care for wildlife. Too much. Yeah, there's too much wildlife. Get out of here.

This is people country. Look at mountain lions and cougars. I will be walking my dog, and there will be like a double- sized coyote just posted up in the middle of the street. Smoking. Like it just doesn't give a fuck. Throwing its butts on the ground. Yeah, like the Fonz outside the high school. Sure.

Like, yeah, fuck you. And then the coyote hits a jukebox and a record goes on and then just all the song is just plays coyote noises. Like, oh, this is music to us. Man, my cat did something weird last night that I can't really get a handle on. When I left the house, I had left the fridge door open and she got in there and she got... How do you leave a fridge door open? I had this 12 pack of beer that that was, like, unwieldy, and I thought I closed it,

but I think it didn't latch properly. So when I came, it was... You should understand that Jordan's other name for his fridge is Beer Make Cold Pox. Right, right. That's all it is. And so my cat had gotten in there, and she got a pack of ground beef,

just like a pack of ground beef, and a pack of salami, and she had... Mixed it, ground it up into a nice sausage. Sort of tartare. Really, yeah. She's into like German food now,

like German fusion. It's really cool. She was making some spetzel to go with it. Right. And she chewed up the packaging and drug it all over the house. So there was ground beef and salami slices

all over the house. But she did not appear to have eaten any of it. Like it was all the... Like it attacked and played with it. Yeah. Like she loved

chewing up the packaging and she loved dragging the meat all over the house. But for some reason didn't think to eat it? I don't know. I don't know why that didn't seem... Do cats like just straight up meat? Yeah, I guess not.

But she carefully chose the things out of the fridge, though. It seemed like... She treated it like an animal to attack. She didn't drag the brie around the house. So that was weird. And then I had this like, and then the house smelled like meat. And then I had a hard time sleeping because of phantom meat smells. That's gross.

Oh, does it? I'm like, does it smell like meat? It doesn't smell like meat anymore, but I'm just super paranoid about meat. Is there meat under my pillow? Right. super paranoid about meat under my pillow right and then i looked and then i looked uh and then i looked next to me and i had been uh fucking a steak all night and you don't have cats i'm like oh yeah i know and i don't have cats either so yeah no it is it was like she she ripped something apart and got to and got to like maul something but it wasn't for food it was just like you know

for fun anyway very strange wow yeah cats are into cats are into the mauling process yeah yeah because my cat never ate any of those birds that she killed it was all about like you know paralysis like she was into causing paralysis and then the kind of trophy. Yeah, maybe she thought she killed that meat and was leaving it for me. Like, hey, fucking look what I did. I killed this meat animal. Well, with dogs, I learned this when I was training Coco. Dogs have this multi-step prey chasing cycle that involves, you know, like pointers. Sounds like my wife.

Hey, I'm not married. He's unmarried, single. But I do have a joke wife that I like to insult randomly. The various things that the various things that dogs do, you know, like shaking, shaking something and pointing at something and barking to alert and chasing things down and eating things are like the five different steps of a dog chasing prey. And the crazy part is that with breeding and training, you can essentially arrest the dog at one of those points. So like a hunting dog, you know, some dogs, some hunting dogs are bred to be arrested at the pointing part. So they find some prey and then they go straight at pointing towards it.

So when they're a puppy and they point at something, the owner just causes some sexual trauma to arrest that dog at that point in its development. Precisely. And as long as they don't get psychiatric help. In my family, we're from the South, and pointing is considered very rude. So we just arrested at the shaking. Right.

Sure. Right. And I don't know. It's amazing to me that dogs have these little, like, five-step brains. And you can just say, okay, lock it down here. Like, no, stop it here. We're going to go to shake and then stop. And what's funny is that if you have a dog where the desire to eat the thing that it's shaken to death has been bred out of it,

the thing that it's shaken to death has been bred out of it. It will do all of the parts of hunting that it has millions and millions and millions and millions of years of breeding, uh, to hunt food, to feed itself. It will get to the part where it eats and then that's where it will stop. It's crazy. Be like,

if there was no sex in the future and people still went out on dates and bothered to talk to each other. You know what it's really like? It's like if there was no sex in the future, but people still put penises in vaginas. Just in ritual? Like the way you shake hands? Yeah.

What's up? They just put it in there and then went to sleep or something. Guys, you're basically just outlining the plot of Demolition Man. I guess I hadn't seen that, but I appreciate you letting me know. It's a sexless future. Gotcha.

Yeah. That's what the new Total Recall is going to be. Right, yeah. Anyway, I had to kill this bird, and it was really hard. Would you use a trowel? Dustpan. Huh? Dustpan.

Okay. Now, do you look at the dustpan in a different way? Do you have a hard time It's a killing weapon. Sweeping up with it because it took a life. You're going to find yourself threatening your dog with that dustpan in a couple of months and go, what have I become?

Wow. That is really intense. You should put it over your mantle. Like a guy would his hunting mustang. I was going to say, next time you hear a bump in the night, you're going to reach for the dustpan. Get my dustpan. You should carve notches into the dustpan for everything you have to kill with it. The duster. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Besser, the guest. So sometimes, to the extent that we prepare for this show, which is hardly at all. I file my teeth. Right, yeah. That's just to intimidate the guests.

Right. You cool down your beer. Yeah, I like to cool down the beer. A lot of our guests are old, Mick. That's why I like to intimidate them. Sure, right. You know, just like when I'm doing stuff during the week, I'm like, oh, would this make a good conversation?

Would that make a good conversation for the podcast? And it's happened a few times where stuff has happened to me, but I haven't had a lot of faith in the thing as an entire conversation. So I think what I want to do now is just present you guys with a few different things that have happened to me that I think might be fun to talk about. I will title them. You guys will choose which one we should talk about. Gotcha. I'm calling this a grab bag.

I know we haven't titled it before. It's a grab bag. I love this. So do you guys want to talk about Jason Statham catchphrase, Asia massage, or come meet my girlfriend? I don't know the first guy. So I'll go Asia massage. I mean. Okay.

I'm down for Asia massage. I know your audience wants to hear that. Yeah, I think so too. Okay. So I've been doing, I've been working a couple days a week for this internet show. I've been working a couple days a week for this internet show, and their offices were hastily set up, as most internet shows are, in this really, really sad-slash-shady office building in North Hollywood. And if I was to describe the neighborhood around this, it's mostly weed dispensaries like um styrofoam steam tray chinese food restaurants so that's basically i love styrofoam yeah styrofoam's the best um especially it's got some little snow peas in there so they've actually got like temporary office workers working at the

foosball tables right yeah exactly gotcha um so yeah know, it's just there's no signage on this office building. It's just offices. And I imagine there's a ton of turnover within the year. And so it's us in there. And there's two other things in the office building right now. And the only way you would know it is just by the elevator. There's one of those things where you stick the little plastic letters into and so there's something called the it is called the humanity fund and i know that is very very similar to the seinfeld human fund uh and i don't and and what

the i don't know what the humanity fund does but it it seems to just be Russian guys in their mid-20s drinking coffee and smoking. Humanity Fund. And then there's something called TK Asia Massage. Technical knockout? Right. The happy ending in this case is you're down for a 10 count. We knock you out. in this case is a you're down for a 10 count.

We knock you out! So, I mean, I think you know, it's pretty clear what's going on at TK Asian Massage. There's no signage. The only thing you see is that, you know, little placard before you get into the elevator. So you're saying definitely whorehouse.

That's what you're telling me right now? I mean, 90% chance? Okay, they also have scattered around, they have these That's what you're telling me right now? I mean, 90% chance. Okay. They also have, I've scattered around, they have these little, you know, like at frozen yogurt places, you get the punch cards for like, oh, buy five and the sixth is free. They have that. They have punch cards. And it says on the top, it says, please present when coming. Oh, my God. coming on the punch card. Oh, my God.

Come on. Yeah. So, anyways. So, let's say this is a handjob establishment. Okay. I saw two dudes coming out, and these were like, you know, kind of like young, kind of early 20s, like rowdy Hispanic guys. And they're coming out of this thing like, so they come out and they're like laughing and like slapping each other on the back and like high-fiving.

I hope they're not about to run into the Russian guys. Yeah, I know, right? You Russian? Right. right so it's like it is like it's like these guys both went in for a handjob but they were treating it like they had a really good game of like pop a shot or definitely shot like they played a really great prank uh and so too yeah it really like could you this these guys's friendship really like blew my mind because like you go in and just fucking get a hand job with your buddy but then you also treat it like i think there are people who's there are men whose

friendship with other men is largely predicated on their ability to share and celebrate things that should be shameful like there's like and just like, and just, like, you know, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, like Catholic priests. You know those dudes after they, you know, after they fucking put a pinky into an altar boy. We know why we're here. High five. They go to Buffalo Wild Wings. 10 o'clock happy hour.

$3 drafts. $3 wells. Yeah, so it was weird that these guys were like bro-ing out over this. That terrifies me. There is this, I mean. Especially if it's, I don't know. Yeah. You think they both got it from the same lady or they both were serviced at the same time? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. You think they both got it from the same lady or they both were serviced at the same time?

Oh, yeah. I don't know. The reason I ask is are they both coming off the same high at the same time? Is one guy had relaxed for 30 minutes, not quite as happy as the guy who just got the happy ending? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I mean, TK Asia Massage prides themselves on timing, you know? Right.

Timing. Yeah. They timing. Right, timing. Yeah, they know. You're right. They're like, yeah, this is a 25-minute situation every time. Yeah, or, I mean, what's... We take more than 30 minutes, you get the handjob free. So what is the... But what's weirder?

These guys broing out over a high five? Or maybe they were just broing out over a great massage? Like, is that weirder behavior? Like, fuck yeah, bro, I'm so relaxed. My spine is, my coccyx is all in order. I don't know. Wow, man, you're making a lot of assumptions. What if, you know, Obama just shot a head in the polls and they just found out about it on their phone?

Oh, yeah, maybe it was. Maybe they were broing out about something completely unrelated romney had a big slip up yeah man could be could be okay that's that one so yeah i think i was right that was that was not really a full segment of conversation i want you to know that i'm picturing your workplace as being in the same sort of combination strip mall office park is where our friends Matt and Jimmy record Never Not Funny. Uh, sadder. Wow, sadder? Yeah, oh yeah.

No offense to Matt and Jimmy. Yeah, I've been there. Their office is nice. I mean, their office is totally pleasant and nice, but there's these guys down the hall that smoke in the bathroom and it is the grossest thing in the history of the world and i don't know if these guys are russian someone would have to ask them you russian but there's the dude you guys don't think everyone who smokes is russian do you i'm pretty sure right i? I don't know. You think smoker means Russian. Yeah, that's the same thing. Dennis Leary's Russian, right?

He smokes. He loves smoking. Russian to the grave with those coffin nails, folks. What about Russian Prime Minister Joe Campbell? Yeah. Yeah, so I'm pretty sure that... Wow, sadder. Yeah. Because there's no 7-Eleven.

You can't just get a Big Gulp. There is actually a 7-Eleven, yes. There's a 7-Eleven on the corner. So, if I needed a Big Gulp, I'd just get it at TK Asian Massage, right? You could slake your thirst. Sure. Can I ask that we kick it over to number three now? Topic number three?

Topic number three. Oh, what was that? Was that... Oh, that was Come Meet My Girlfriend. Yeah, Come Meet My Girlfriend okay this is this is last night i was out at a i was at a bar and this kind of really um this huge like russian guy huge russian guy huge hispanic guy comes up to me and he's like hey um would you mind coming over and meeting my girlfriend? And I had just had that morning, that morning I had had a guy just, I was on the sidewalk and a guy stopped me and said,

hey, you're Jordan Morris, right? I love Jordan Jesse Go. And that doesn't happen too, too often. So I was kind of like riding the high a little bit. Because he recognized your voice walking past. Right, I'm just like, hey! Yeah, I was just doing that. So yeah. walking past right i'm just like hey yeah i was just doing that um so yeah um and so you know i was like oh of course well this is the day where everybody finally uh realizes how great i am

so it wasn't weird to me although your ship was coming in is right so that's it's a weird and i it didn't it also didn't occur to me that like maybe this. You said Mr. Peabody, I presume. That, you know, probably, you know,

big, big Hispanic guys probably aren't our chord demo. Right. Well, they're an element of our chord demo. Hispanic guys.

Right. Yeah. Love you. Sure. Absolutely. I don't know. It depends on what kind of big we're talking about. Right, yeah. Love you. Sure, absolutely. I don't know. It depends on what kind of big we're talking about. So, yeah.

But, you know, I was like, oh, yeah, sure. So he takes me over to the table where his girlfriend is sitting. And she, I mean, she's just like, she's just this crazy piece of work. Like, she's, you know, like, like, you know, suicide girl times 10. Like, like tattoo sleeves, like pierced diamonds in her cheeks. Nice. Like, one of those chin piercings. Like, she's just, you know, she's just, like, yeah, the craziest, like, emo goth girl you've ever seen.

Anyways, and he's like, oh, honey, this is Jack. This guy thought I was Jack Osborne. It was taking me over to meet his fucking punk rock girlfriend did you play with it no i i i should have i should have like signed autographs and like taken fucking arm's length camera phone pictures but god i got this all the time in college people thought i was jack osborne and jack osborne was a famous person yeah it's so weird like he's the only member of the osbornes that is not currently still kind of famous like kelly osborne he's on e sometimes and you know sharon osborne hosts things but like he is the only one

who like isn't currently on something but i fucking still get it i don't know ozzy osborne continues to be legitimately meritorious for things he did in the 70s sure yeah you can just coast on that did she go did you immediately say no i'm not or did she go oh yeah hi no i like she it was it was a you know there was a 20 second delay between him saying this is Jack and me going what's going on here man oh okay like so I like shook her hand and then got a look and I'm like oh god I'm so sorry I'm not I have had sex with

multiple women thinking that I was Lyle Lovett I just ride that Lyle Lovett pussy train was one of them Julia Roberts for two years I fucked her she actually divorced me he Awesome. For two years I fucked her. What? She actually divorced me. He had left her two years earlier. So yeah, God, I...

You guys would not believe the boy George ass that I get. Just the amount of... To be fair, I think you could get all those men's room handjobs without looking like... I don't think looking like Boy George has... Now that I think about it, a lot of them are just through glory holes. Yeah, how do they know? I always just say I'm George Michael.

I always try and tap out with my foot that I look like Boy George a little bit. Oh, in Morse code. Yeah. Okay, so that was one. Okay, we got one more left here, Jordan. Oh, in Morse code. Yeah. Okay, so that was one. Okay, we got one more left here, Jordan. Oh, this is Jason Statham catchphrase.

There was going to be a fourth. It was cat dragged meat all over the house. Right, sure. But we've been over that. Cat dragged meat sounds like a good Ted Nugent follow-up song. Or a Primus album. song or a primus album um so uh my like kind of cleaning up the house peripheral vision movie today was uh this jason statham movie on netflix instant called blitz i don't know who that is oh god he's uh you know he's in the transporter movies he's this kind of british guy yeah tough

ass yeah um sort of the the boy George of cinema. Right, yeah, exactly. So there's this new Jason Statham movie in theaters, and I'm not having a lot of luck wrangling people to go see it with. Is it called Safe? It's called Safe, yeah. Yeah, I read about it. It's about a man who has to defend some sort of child prodigy.

It's like The Wizard, but with more kicking. It's like The Professional. with more kicking um it's like the professional right yeah exactly um so this this movie i guess didn't come out in america it was it was made by uh some sort of british film company and it's really like it's super super british there's a lot of jokes about like it's directed by mike lee right yeah exactly mostly improvised yeah um he's you know there's a lot of jokes that like clearly are just like british culture jokes that i didn't get it was like hey you support manchester you and i'm like i don't know what that is i mean i'm aware that that's something soccer related and like yeah lots of jokes about like you know

well that's this the the lower south end for you. Just stuff I didn't get. Ain't that whizzer. Right, yeah. And, you know, it's kind of just like this. It's like a long Law and Order episode where Jason Statham is iced tea. It's like he doesn't do a lot of ass-kicking or stunts in it. He just kind of wanders around and interrogates people. But he does have the ponytail. Yeah, right does and he's married to coco for some reason yeah

um her accent's actually pretty solid in that movie it's great you would not you couldn't yeah you wouldn't know that she's not from wales yeah i mean if you squint it's basically katherine zeta jones yeah um but he had this really with another katherine zeta jones balled If you squint, it's basically Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah. But he had this really... With another Catherine Zeta-Jones balled up in the butt area and a third Catherine Zeta-Jones balled up in the boob area. Sure. Wow. Some Catherine Zeta-Jones shaped tumors. Uh-huh.

But he had this really, like, bizarre catchphrase that I'm like, oh, is this just another British thing that I'm not getting? Or is this just the world's worst catchphrase? So he's interrogating this guy about, you know, when did you see the suspect leave this area? And the guy's like, the guy's telling him and he stops in the middle. He's like, don't you want to write any of this down? And Jason Statham basically looks into the camera. Like, they set it up like this is his fucking catchphrase moment he's like do i look like the kind of guy who carries a pencil

and he said that more than once no he said that once but like it was shot in the same way that like when fucking schwarzenegger impales a guy in commando and says stick around right like and then there's like a hard cut away from the scene it's like oh do i look like the kind of guy who carries a pencil i don't know like that was supposed to be the big i also like that i don't i bet a lot of people don't even know what pencils are anymore i know right you know nobody carries a pencil the answer has been no write it down on your cell phone you fucking asshole right yeah get the notepad app out of your cell phone but yeah is carrying a pencil in like in in in the uk is carrying a pencil like a

fey thing is it a is it like are you a sissy if you're carrying a pencil is that because he really like took offense at the fact it sounds like a six-year-old screenwriter not thinking about things my best friend is a dragon yeah sure and then jason statham eats ice cream for dinner i wish that i wish that we lived in do you ever like want to live in a country where the entertainment industry is underdeveloped? And so while on the one hand, it's hard to make things that are really good, it's relatively easy to make things that are ill-considered. There's appeal to that, right? I was in Italy for a good three weeks last summer.

And you know, on the one hand, I'm going to museums and learning about all the greatest geniuses of history, like literally the biggest geniuses of history, the fattest ones. Uh, okay. That would be literally, um, you know, Galileo, Da Vinci. And then you go back home and rest before dinner and turn on the TV and you see the comedy on Italian TV. It is so retarded.

It's so crazy. It's all about boobs and farts and big noses and stepping on people's feet. And farts and big noses and stepping on people's feet. And I couldn't, you know, I don't know Italian, but I knew exactly. There's this variety show on. You can look this up. It's called the Colorado Cafe. The Colorado Cafe is the number one comedy variety show in Italy. What do they think that means?

I know, exactly. And even the backdrop looks like Arizona. It's like this Arizona desert, which looks nothing like Colorado. But everyone's kind of dressed up like cowboys. It's very weird. Is it supposed to be making fun of America? No, it's not. It's just...

It's like the way we use the word cafe instead of coffee house. I don't know. It's just a weird... I don't know what it is. There's guys with big prosthetic noses and they step on each other's feet. But they'll do like a CSI parody or whatever, but it's just crazy stupid. And it's their biggest thing. It's like even it makes two and a half men look like an HBO show.

And why? They're obviously not stupid. Are we talking about like they're looking at a dead body and then it farts or something? Yeah, exactly. I remember the CSI was kind of it was like a child's

the C was like see? I see you and you and I. It was like. A lot of letter puns. This one was, but just crazy. It looks like it's written by junior high school kids. Are there like people yelling? Aye, aye, aye. Oh, yeah.

We saw this one thing where it was literally like a duo and and one guy grabbing the other guy's nipple and going, and the other guy grabbing the other guy's crotch going, I'm like, what? This is... So wait, so do you think... In Vaudeville, this would have been booed off the stage. Do you think maybe they have You know Italian TV On some sort of Channel that's you know

That's up there and maybe on late at night They have you know they have a Portlandia or they have a No they don't I was actually recently not that long ago In Italy shooting put this on And I fell into this conversation With our producer who's Italian

Lives in Italy but had lived in the united went to college in the united states and uh his name is john luca and john luca was telling me about how much he likes david letterman and john luca's english is fantastic it's plenty good enough to get what's funny about david letterman and they do get letterman there but letterman is like the only american thing that they get there and he loves conan and wishes that they got conan there and he was he was telling me about how he and i were trying to explain to the other guys at the table like why letterman was funny and we were we fell into trying to explain this bit that they did on letterman called how many spider-man's fit in a jamba juice that's very close to my heart where this where they just sent people in spider-man

costumes into this jamba juice with a big picture window until it was sort of three quarters full of people in spider-man costumes and they said they ran out of spider-mans and so they started sending people in wizard costumes in there and then just people in Dracula costumes and stuff. And anyway, um, and Gianluca was Gianluca, who's Italian was just all he could, all the only thing he,

the main thing he liked about Letterman, like it wasn't really about the extra levels of anything, right? It was just, he actually makes jokes. like that was the main thing that he likes about letterman and like it and in not that he was so unsophisticated or something like that it was basically just like it's nice to have someone who goes to the effort to make a joke about a thing yeah i always it's funny uh you know like I think we've all probably run up against an American British comedy hipster who just insists that everything that is on – that comes from the BBC is funnier than everything that comes from America, period.

Like people who will talk up like Blackadder and stuff like that. like people who will talk up like Blackadder and stuff like that. And, you know, like, oh, well, there's the things that everyone loves from England, but then people will just go super deep and just insist that because it came from England, it's got to be better. I would love to run into just like a Silver Lake hipster who was just like, I don't know, man, Sabado Gigante. It's the funniest show on TV. I get it subtitled. I don't know. And then there's another hipster. Like, I don't know, man, Sabado Gigante. It's the funniest show on TV. I get it subtitled.

I don't know. And then there's another hit. We don't get it. There are five levels ahead of us. They're like, we know this is stupid. That's what's funny about it. Yeah, right, exactly. The other dude is like, I don't know, Sabado Gigante is all right.

I'm sort of more into Tutti Frutti Gigante. Like, of the Gigante programs yeah i mean i was in that a couple of years ago i mean i get why you like it but yeah exactly we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Ask.Metafilter.com. You know their slogan. You've got questions. Ask.Metafilter has answers. Is that right? No.

Food, folks, and fun. There you go. Is that what it is? I think so. It's either Ask.Metafilter or McDonald's in the early 90s. Right. It's one of the two. One or the Big Mac tonight.

Yeah, that's it. I remember that if you go to askmetafilter.com, there's a guy with a big moon head that sings a weird song. Oh, and then you get Monopoly game pieces for going to Ask Metafilter. And then sometimes you'll get, you know, the Boardwalk Empire piece.

And sometimes you'll get free small fries. Anyway, I've got some difficult questions that I need answered, so I'm going to head down to McDonald's. Okay. No, Jesse, just go to Ask Metafilter. Ask.Metafilter.com, our sponsor. The Jumbotron empty this week, but if you want to get your personal or commercial message up on the Jumbotron, just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap. It's easy uh if you want to sponsor an upcoming episode of jordan jesse go just email theresa t-h-e-r-e-s-a at maximum

fun.org hey jordan yes guess what the fuck we just announced what what did we just announce max fun con east oh i think well i just announced what jason statham's ridiculous catchphrase was in that direct-to-Netflix crime thriller. No, MaxFunCon East, Jordan. Oh, that's great. By the time you're listening to this— Can the official slogan for MaxFunCon East be, do I look like I use a pencil? Yes, absolutely. Okay.

Well, at least on this show, that can be the official slogan for MaxFunCon East. I'd like it to be on the t-shirts. Tickets on sale May 2nd at MaxFunCon.com. It is going down October 26th through 28th in the Poconos. Are you just trying to steal some of the buzz from the Avengers by announcing it so close to the... Yes, I am. I figure that I can... I mean, it'll probably be 60-40 buzz-wise in terms of Max FunCon versus Avengers.

See, this is what we in show business call counter-programming. Exactly. This is like the Meryl Streep rom-com. Well, see, nerds will be going to see... Where there'll be more mutants as part of the Avengers or at Max FunCon. Well, there's no mutants on the Avengers, Matt. You're thinking of the X-Men. Oh, really?

No one on the Avengers is mutated. No one on the Avengers is mutated. No one on the Avengers is mutated. No, uh-uh. Isn't the Hulk a mutant? Well, no. Mutation in the Marvel world is something that happens at puberty. As a mishap. Yeah.

Versus a mishap. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry, guys. See, that's the kind of shit I got at Max Funcon. See, that's the kind of shit I got at Max Funcon. Matt came to Max Funcon and just went fishing the whole time. No, I didn't.

I tried once. And you got called out. I did. I got narked on. I was the only guy fishing on the whole lake, and some member of the lake called me out. What are you doing here? Fishing? And he's like, you can keep fishing if you name the differences between the Watchmen comics and the

movie. And you couldn't do it. Anyway, MaxFunCon East, October 26th through 28th on the East Coast in the Poconos. It's going to be totally amazing. We've already booked some really spectacular guests. As has become our tradition, we're not going to announce the guests yet just because, you know,

we like to have our core audience there for MaxFunCon. Folks who are there for the experience rather than just because, you know, they want to meet, you know, some particular person. Jordan. Yeah. It's mostly Jordan, right? But we're not announcing that I'm going to be there. No. Okay.

Jordan's probably not going to be there. I don't know. I might have a thing. Yeah. You might have a thing. Who knows? So they don't know about the money Python reunion. You guys don't announce that yet.

No, don't, no, don't come on. Just edit that out. I'll just set that out. We haven't even told them about our re our dead body reanimation technology. Um, yeah. So maxfuncon.com.

It's going to be totally amazing. People have been asking for this since the first Max Fun Con. I'm super excited about it. And on the subject of Max Fun Cons, we actually, as of this recording anyway, there are a couple of slots for regular MaxFunCon available that just opened up. So if you want one of them, you can get it by emailing MaxFunCon at gmail.com and include your telephone number.

And Nick, our events director, will give you a telephone call. It's literally just a couple of slots, but email now and we can slip you in under the wire, regular MaxFunCon, June 1st through 3rd. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, but email now and we can slip you in under the wire, regular MaxFunCon June 1st through 3rd. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love from, you know, late 80s white guy, black guy voice, and now it's kind of an old crooner, kind of an old 50s crooner. Yeah, this is sort of like a Dean Martin-y type thing. I had on the Improv for Humans forum the other day, somebody said, what was wrong with Matt Besser's voice?

Is he well? He sounds younger. I was like, why is sounding younger a sickness? Well, you've seen the movie Jack with Robin Williams, right? I have not. What was the premise? There's this guy who has an improv podcast. Right.

No wonder it didn't do well. No, oh, God. You know, maybe this doesn't work for that forum post. I guess the premise of Jack is that Robin Williams is a nine-year-old who looks like a 50-year-old. Is that what it is? Yeah. I thought it was someone who... Who...

Who is? No, is that really what it is? I think so. No, that's... That's Clifford. That's Benjamin Button. No, no, no. In Clifford, Martin Short is playing a literal child.

And they don't address the fact that he looks freakish. Clifford is pretty amazing, by the way. Yeah, Clifford's a crazy movie. Have you seen Clifford? No. Is that a dog movie? No, this is a movie with Martin Short and what's his name? Charles Grodin.

Charles Grodin, known for his belligerent straight man roles. And I thought it was some kind of weird thing, but it's our friend Tom Sharpling's favorite movie or one of his favorite movies. And Tom convinced me to watch it one day. And so I did watch it. And it is in- sane basically they someone convinced someone convinced someone with enough money to make a real movie like a show business hollywood movie right that it was a good idea to have a movie that's like basically sort of problem child. It's basically the setup is that there's a kid who's torturing his stepdad.

Right. Or would-be stepdad, I think it is. And, you know, putting him through the paces until he learns how to be a real dad, I think, if I remember correctly. until he learns how to be a real dad, I think, if I remember correctly. But the kid is played by a 40-ish year old Martin Short with no explanation at all. So it's not a deformed kid or some disease. We're just supposed to buy that he's 10 years old. It's the same movie.

I mean, you don't get the same feeling from it, but the script is the same as if it's just a child actor and you know how like dennis the menace with right sure but with an adult and you know how sometimes martin short there's also some weird molestation humor too like martin short tricks people into thinking charles grogan molested him yes there's lots of you know like you know how sometimes sometimes martin Short is doing something that's so intense that you're not even really sure if it's funny or not. And you're just sort of tired after you watched it. But you also just kind of have to take your hat off to him and bow and just be like, Martin Short, you really took me on a journey. You know what I mean?

Because he committed so hard. Because he just committed so hard and it really was something like it wasn't like it's not just that he committed so hard i mean not because anybody can commit so hard but he committed so hard and he so clearly had a really specific vision what about john travolta in hairspray sure. That just bugged the fucking shit out of me. I was so... It's not like I liked that movie anyway, but I'm a John Waters fan,

and I was just like, why John Travolta? He did not make this role better, and why a man playing... Here's the thing. Clifford is... I mean, Clifford is both. There's a lot of things in it that I found legitimately bothersome and upsetting.

Like, many of the things that the character does to be annoying come through the screen and read as annoying to you the viewer um however it is also it also has a lot of funny things happen in it and i mean it's it's sort i mean it's like martin short and charles groden i mean they're both like that as actors real people and yes they Real people. is so strange. You know what I mean? And this is a movie where they were, each of them was, in fact, I was going to say 10 out of 10, but this is the Martin Shortiest Martin Short shit. Like, Grodin is full-on Grodining. Like, this is like, you know, talk show appearance Grodin.

You know, this is full Grodin. But Martin Short is like, it's insanity. Like, it's like that episode of Arrested Development he did that broke the whole tone of the entire series like it's like it's insane it is he write it i don't know if i mean he must know anything about the he must have been involved i mean he must have been involved because who i mean how could otherwise do you think Do you think someone else wrote it and said, yeah, I see this as sort of a vehicle for 40-year-old, 37-year-old Martin Short to play this 12-year-old part? It does sound like Eddie Murphy or Adam Sandler.

I can do whatever the fuck I want. Yeah. I bet you there was a thing where Martin Short was supposed to play the Charles Grodin role and then pulled some sort of weird Hollywood thing. Yeah. I read that about, there's a Nicolas Cage movie that kind of came and went from theaters like famously fast last year called Trespass. And I guess, you know, it's this huge problems production. It hardly made any money. It cost some ludicrous amount to make.

It hardly made any money. It cost some ludicrous amount to make. And part of that was because Nicolas Cage stopped shooting for two weeks because he wanted to throw everything away and start playing the villain. Like he wanted to switch roles with someone. Wow. That's a crazy out of control ego. That's great. But yeah, I could see this, that as being the story of Clifford.

And Martin Short, I mean, every time I've heard Martin Short be interviewed and and stuff like he seems like uh he does not seem like a madman at all he seems like the sweetest like most decent like he really seems like a decent like nice man just with a really bold vision for what film can be and he fucking lived it in this movie and i can see why it's tom's why it's tom's favorite movie because well it's not my favorite movie um i found it by turns amazing and upsetting and annoying it is it is absolutely worth seeing like it is it's like nothing else you will ever see because it is so the thing that it is. Like it will blow your mind. It's truly remarkable. All right. I'm sold.

Okay. Is that why I'm here? Yeah. That's why we brought you in here, man. Okay. I'll watch it. We work for MGM Home Video. Uh-huh.

And they're like, listen, each week take something from our catalog. Oh, this is the way you guys do ads now. Yeah. Yeah. We just talk about it. You sell one person on renting a movie. It is a bad business model. It is a very bad business model. But it's efficient.

At least you can guarantee one viewer. Right, exactly. We do have a straight talk for teens question here, according to our intern, Joe. So let's give it a listen. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. I think I need some advice advice i was going to ask the macbord brothers but i think jesse in particular could help me a bit better well yeah fuck them

right yeah they're hilarious i think it could help me a bit better my older brother is getting married in a few months and i think i remember remember you saying that Teresa's family was much larger than yours, and that you were going to be outnumbered, as it were, at your wedding. Well, the same is true here, as there will be 150 of the bride's Armenian family members, and there will be about 20 people from my family member there. So how did you handle your situation, and do you have any advice for me? Thanks. Did he say the Weiss family is Armenian? Yeah, they're Armenians.

I feel bad that I – Why did he throw that in there? Why was that important? I feel bad that I pointed out the race of everybody in my stories. Yeah, you did. And now this guy did it. So I'm like, well, thanks. You're making our show more racist.

Is he implying that his side is Turkish? At least she's not Russian. Yeah, she'll be smoking throughout the whole wedding. Armenian's known for having big families? Is that an Armenian stereotype? Well, you've never seen my big fat Armenian wedding.

Wow. 150 is a lot. It is. That's about the size of a wedding. What's this guy's fucking... What are you worried about? You're outnumbered? It's not a lot. It is. That's about the size of a wedding. But what's this guy's fucking, what are you worried about? You're outnumbered? It's not a fight. It's not a dance-off. Enjoy the wedding.

Well, that's actually the reason he mentioned that it's an Armenian wedding. There is a tradition at the end of every Armenian wedding to have a knife fight. Right. That has dancing elements to it. There's elements of dancing. Well, during the chain sequence Sure During the chain fighting sequence

There's no killing It's just slicing and gentle jabs Yeah, are you Yeah, the fact that you The fact that you're worried about being outnumbered by another race Makes me think that my advice to you is become less racist Yeah, well Or just prepare yourself better for the coming race war

Sure, exactly One or the other Use your wife as a shield would be my advice. Oh, yeah. What else is she for better and for worse? Well, he's the brother. I mean, I think it's his brother that's getting married. Yeah.

Well, that's abundantly clear, Besser. I got lost in the Armenian part of it. Too busy. Once I heard Armenian. In your racist fever dream. Yeah. You know, just circulate there's probably some some those armenian women have have big bottoms yeah that's all he needs to be concerned with the more opportunity for him yeah right wedding fuck fests right you don't

that's that's what you don't want there as family members yeah right exactly i think this is to your benefit just like you know try and try and fuck all our sorority sisters or something. Yeah, the odds are in your favor. Yeah, stop being racist. Learn about the Armenian genocide so you can sound empathetic. Memorize some System of a Down songs. Those guys are all Armenian. You should get like a lapel pin that has a picture of the nation of Turkey with a red line through it.

Yes. And then you're fucking good as gold turkey jokes will be a great way to open any toast i think if anyone if anyone like here's the thing your brother who's getting married i think that there is a certain extent to which the the bride and groom want to have similar-ish number like that you don't want it to just be the bride's wedding or the groom's wedding and if you have 150 of one side and 20 of the other it's way out of whack and you have to try and balance it out with at least neutral parties drifters just inviting drifters um however isn't it all percentages though like if i have 30 friends my wife has 200 friends and i have 30 friends to the wedding i have 100 of my friends there oh yeah. Right? You're using math to solve this problem.

To gain the upper hand. Yeah, I mean... That's what marriage is about. Gaining the upper hand. Here's the important thing. Wear boots and just have a knife in your boot,

just in case. When shit goes down, you'll be ready. Yeah. Once they get that Armenian glint in their eye, they're going to charge like a shih tzu

off a Japanese emperor. Keep your back to the wall and keep your eye on the door. Sure. I think They're going to charge like a shih tzu off a Japanese emperor. Keep your back to the wall and keep your eye on the door. Sure. I think it's going to be fine. Look, it's not even your wedding. I think you're going to be fine. Speaking of which, what guy that's not, you know,

being married worries about a wedding? I don't want to be misogynist here, but that's the woman's job. We're trying to focus on racism. Yeah. We'll do that next episode. So we're saying that this guy is a racist pussy.

I think, look, I think you're right. I feel like you invented a problem, dude. It seems like, what's the actual problem here? I think ultimately your focus here should be on the fact that while you're outnumbered in the sense that your family is much smaller than the other family, the numbers favor you in the sense that there are many more ladies that aren't related to you than there are for the other team. And there are many a beautiful Armenian lady walking this fine earth. Yeah. That's the competition. Who's getting laid at the reception.

Yeah, sure. It shouldn't be, yeah, who has more family to share stories with. We should also mention that most Armenian weddings do have a who's getting laid at the reception competition that ends in a chain fight. Wow. So just so you know. What a beautiful culture. What a beautiful, rich, steeped in history.

If all you knew about it was keeping up with the Kardashians and the protests against the Armenian genocide. And System of a Down. And Surge Tankin. Yeah genocide and system of a down and surge tanking yeah from system of a down and our college friend carrie maceragin then you know then you really have a lot to learn about knife fights chain fights beautiful women at weddings um just a whole panoply of of different stuff you can learn about i think it's really great sounds like a real panoply of different stuff you can learn about. I think it's really great. Sounds like a real panoply. It's going to be a great panoply.

He's the bassist for System of a Down, right? Serge Tonkin and panoply. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Bassert, the guest.

Wow, you really went from one racial extreme to the other. What race was that? Oh, I thought that was like Asian handjob lady. Oh, was that Bjork? I think that was you being racist. Oh, wow. Because I was just Bjork? I think that was you being racist. Oh, wow. Because I was just doing a perfect impression of my grandmother.

Giving a handjob. It was an Asian lady giving handjobs. When something momentous happens to you in our listening audience, we ask that you share it with us here at MaximumFun.org and Jordan, Jesse, Go! for a segment called Momentous Occasions.

The telephone number to call us, 206-984-4FUN. The email address at which to email us, JJGoh at MaximumFun.org. The calls we have already received. Let's go to the tape. Hey, Jordan Jesse Goh. This is Ben from Minneapolis. I just called with a momentous occasion. I was just walking down the streets of Minneapolis and saw what appeared to be a blind man wearing dark sunglasses and had a white cane walking around the walls, walking along the wall, trying to open the door and then eventually walking into a strip club.

So I just thought that was pretty momentous and I thought I'd give you a call. Thanks. Okay, I get what he's implying there, but, you know, it's not all about watching strippers. There's an auditory... It's about talking to them, learning their story. Yeah, and smelling the perfumes. Sure, exactly.

Plus the jams. The sweat. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, Journey and Guns N' Roses. Yeah, Yeah, Journey and Guns N' Roses. Yeah, oh, yeah. Guns N' Roses, Def Leppard. Where are you going to go and just chill out and hear some Def Leppard? We should explain that Matt and Jordan have exclusively visited strip clubs in 1985.

No, Jesse. You have insulted me twice with the 80s today. I'm sorry if I'm older than you guys, but that's where I've lived a majority of my life. To be fair, I think that strip clubs are kind of caught. That was their heyday. I think that if you went... I think that these strip club playlists in 1985 and these strip club playlists now are pretty much the same. Yeah, maybe LMFAO is in there somewhere. And, of course, Adele. strip club playlist in 1985 and these strip club playlists now are pretty much the same yeah maybe

lmfao is in there somewhere when uh and of course adele when we when we first got the ucb theater in new york city rolling in the deep sure and you know some of those strippers might have different body types and they want to be encouraged you know they don't want to hear you know uh wayfish bon jovi nope no singing they want to hear a gal who is you know who's real you know who's real absolutely it's good for their body types real tiny furniture was funny Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is George from L.A. for the momentous occasion. I am right now staring at what appears to be Rick Martino from YouTube.com. And I can tell this because there's signs all over this corner of Santa Monica Boulevard. An evil act by animal control,

rickmartinopigeonsyoutube.com. And this story has a tragic instead of funny ending because it appears that Rick Martino lives in a pile of rickmartinoyoutube.com placards and signboards. Just want to let you guys know. I feel like I'm from a different planet. I have no idea what he was talking about.

This is a long-running joke or segment. Hey, sorry, Matt, if they didn't have Rick Martino in the 80s. Who is Rick Martino? He is a crazy guy from West Hollywood who puts up all these really, really bizarre signs. And I first ran into him. I was in just like a Kinko's and he had all these flyers put out that said, Rick Martino, YouTube.com, you know, Italian. Oh, Italian American.

And then the headline was need help. And it was just all this stuff. And I thought that was weird. So we talked about that. And then he recently started a campaign because i guess the city is killing his pet pigeons so he's putting up all these flyers around west hollywood about like the city is unjustly killing my pigeons youtube.com rick martin and he doesn't have like a a channel it's just youtube.com so we did search for grizzly ad like Grizzly Adams? Like he...

The city's pigeons are under his control? Yeah, I think he's a... I think it's maybe like a non-famous Mike Tyson situation. Ah, he's trained pigeons. Or maybe he just considers all pigeons his pets, and any time a pigeon is killed... I think it's the latter. Probably.

From what I've read in the Los Angeles Times about Rick Martino, I believe it's the latter probably from what i've read in the los angeles times about rick martino i believe it's the latter sure um yeah he's and what's interesting is he does have some stuff on youtube.com there are so we watched uh on one episode of this program on there huh yeah we did keep getting rejected yeah i know what well you got to sell it in the pitch. I mean, this guy's putting out the flyers. He's putting in the time. Building buzz. Yeah. Or, brrrr.

He writes the coup. Yeah, I mean, the guy's got an extended. Hey, Jesse, maybe you should be making bird jokes on this episode at least. Sorry. Yeah, put it off a couple of episodes, then get back on the birds. Okay. Sorry. Hello, Jordan. Put it off a couple of episodes, then get back on the birds. Okay. Sorry. Hello, Jordan and Jesse and guests. My name's Jason, and I have a momentous occasion or a moment of shame.

I'm not really sure. I am at work, and I've been drinking caffeine all day, and I was so caffeinated that when I was downstairs in the common area, I high-fived the refrigerator for no reason whatsoever and just yelled out, yeah, really loud. I don't even know if there's anybody else in the cafe or not, but I don't know why I did that. So, again, either a momentous occasion or a moment of shame. You decide. Thank you. Love the show.

A moment of shame without question. Sure. Thank you. Love the show. A moment of shame without question. Sure. I think just calling in and saying, I'm not sure if it's a momentous occasion or a moment of shame qualifies in and of itself as a moment of shame. Yeah, I think so too.

Right? I think he needs to look up momentous occasion. We have loosened the definition. That's very loose. Yeah. High-fiving the fridge? have loosened the definition i mean it's very loose yeah i'm fiving the fridge when we're accepting something like rick martin just seeing rick martino sitting on a pile of boxes that's just a sad thing you saw um but isn't a momentous occasion something that you're kind of proud of and it affects your life in a big way yeah Yeah, I mean... Is it always good, or is it sometimes negative?

It's almost always good. Yeah, that's what I thought. I mean, this is a happy show. Yeah. You know? I mean, apart from murdering a bird with a dustpan. So I guess it's all relative. Instead of bandaging his leg.

If achieving a high five with a fridge is something he's been working on for a while and not been able to do... Like he's been building up for a while and not been able to do. Like he's been building up to it. His mentor has been guiding him. For all I know, this guy's armless. Yeah. So high five in any way.

You can't do it with a human. You need to start out with inanimate objects. He needs a blind guy to lead him into the strip club. Yeah. Because he can't open the door himself. So wait, I don't... You don't know... What does caffeine have to do with it? Does this guy not know what caffeine does? strip club yeah he can't open the door himself so wait i don't you don't know i don't what does

caffeine have to do with it does this guy not know what caffeine does it just cause you to goof around he thinks caffeine or shrooms are caffeine yeah right you know that's entirely possible my concern is that he does seem to work in a cafe yeah so i mean yeah that could be a catastrophic point of confusion. Someone just asked for a, oh, I'll just take a large drip, and then he just doses them. Yeah. LSD. Well, we have one more momentous occasion.

We'll see if it redeems. Hello, gentlemen. This is Anna in New York, and I have a momentous occasion. is Anna in New York and I have a momentous occasion. I was sitting with my friend outside of a bar and a man walking a dog. It was an English Bulldog and the man looked like

an English Bulldog too. He was walking the English Bulldog and the English Bulldog was on a skateboard. It was amazing. I hope you guys have a good day. Bye! Was on a what? A skateboard? Now that would be amazing because on the streets of New York, skiing on the streets of New York City, I hope you guys have a good day. Bye. Was on a what? A ski board? Now, that would be amazing. Because on the streets of New York, skiing on the streets of New York City, that's something.

What did he say? A skateboard? A skateboard. I've seen that. That's on the internet. It's all over the internet. Come on. Jordan, don't let the internet fucking...

I'm jaded. Jordan, we're on the internet. I know. And if I saw me... On a skateboard.... skateboard walking down the street jordan you are enacting you are currently enacting the you're enacting what's wrong with the internet it ruins things for people no yeah okay when you guys see like a dog on a skateboard that kind of scenario don't the first thing you think is is that really does that dog

really enjoying that yeah you dog really enjoy that? Yeah, sure. Is he really into that? I don't know. Sometimes, once in a while, we'll take our dogs to doggy daycare. And at the dog daycare, they have a class where you teach your dog to run on a treadmill. Which is what you do if your dog needs exercise. Yeah, you don't want any Adele type dogs. No.

Need a svelte Bon Jovi of a dog. And on the one hand, I mean, on the one hand, it's like you can't even walk your dog. That's where you're at right now. On the other hand, I do like the idea of a dog using gym equipment i have to admit

that i do like that that does i mean i don't i think even if i'd seen it on the internet the only way a dog would use gym equipment is to eat at the end of using that which seems antithetical um one of the saddest animal on thing videos i've ever seen is there's a guy who puts a llama on a surfboard and that like and a lot of you think about enjoy think about the the face of a llama this is not an expressive face it's a it's a tiny face but the terror no idea is so palpable in that video. Really? It's very stressful. Yeah.

It's like watching paranormal activity. I think of a giraffe. You think giraffes ever get a really stressed-out look in their face? Yeah. No. Well, I mean, if you put them on a surfboard, it's reserved for one or two moments in their life. One or two worst moments in the lives of those long neck horse animals. Cheetah.

Yeah, cheetah attack. Jaguar. Asshole put you on surfboard. What about a polar bear? But even the cheetah, that's like normal. That happens a few times a week, so you just fucking deal with it. If you're a giraffe. You get freaked out, it's worse to be put on the surfboard. Talk to me for a second. it you know if you're a giraffe freaked out it's let's just say surfboard talk to me for a second let's just say you're a giraffe you're got your

teeth you've got your blue tongue sticking out you're pulling in some uke leaves yeah really high up and then there's a fucking polar bear what do you do you flip the fuck out no first i'm like what is a polar bear doing in this terrain right Right. That's why you're flipping out. You're like, is this an episode of Lost? Why do I know about that? Being a giraffe. Then you wonder about that. Yeah.

Then you're like, I should not. When did I watch a TV? I should not have ordered a plain, regular drip coffee at that cafe because it tasted terrible. I think I'm a giraffe now. And I've been feeling weird ever since. Am I a giraffe or am I a stoner tripping? I can't remember. That sounds weird when you say giraffe, giraffe, giraffe, giraffe, giraffe.

Am I in an African tundra or at the Grateful Dead archive? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. go jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective and i'm matt besser wait a minute. The guest. Holy mackerel. For a second I thought we were being visited by the ghost of legendary DJ Wolfman Jack. Wolfman Jack.

Holy moly. Holy moly. You truly are the man of a hundred voices. Wolfman Jack coming to you on John Jesse Go. Ow! Well, it's been a lot of fun to have you on the show, Matt. Oh, my God.

This ripped my throat out doing that last session. Yeah. Hey, that's Jordan Jesse Go for you, folks. Yep. Matt Besser, of course, the host, one of the improvisers on the all improvised improv for humans podcast, which you can find online at Earwolf.com. That's right.

That's a, do you just say that? The number four in one word, improv for humans. Improv for humans. There's four improvisers. There are. And so, and they're doing different, they're doing different bits. They're doing different characters, different little stories. And the great part is they're making it all up as they go along.

And it's a magical experience to listen to. There's no bullshit writing. Yeah. That's what you're saying. Yeah, exactly. This is going to be one of your new favorite things. This is going to be tremendous. If Aaron Sorkin wants to get involved, you say, take a hike, Sorkin.

Yeah. Take your writing to HBO. Down some long hall you're walking down. Yeah. Take your writing to Jeff Daniels. Sure. Someone who appreciates it. Yeah, that's it.

That's all we've got. Can I say about Freak Dance, my movie? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm going to be touring with Freak Dance, the movie that I worked on with a lot of the UCB. This is a comedy movie musical that is sort of in the vein of the we've all got to get together and save the community center. Yes. It goes with those archetypes.

save the community center. Yes. You know, it goes with those archetypes. I think what Rocky Horror did to Frankenstein movies, we do to dance movies, hopefully. We created our own little weird world and made a musical out of it. But a lot of the UCB people are in it, and it's a fun movie.

I'm going to be going up the East Coast, starting in Atlanta and going to Jacksonville and going all the way up to Boston you know, Boston, about 10 cities. So go to mattbesser.com or Freak Dance Movie to find out which cities those are. Oh, that is awesome. And support us. Thanks. That's a cool thing for people to get to, especially in places in the Southeast where

stuff like this isn't happening every day. And it's, like, cool to get to go out to see something like that, meet the other people that are into this kind of cool stuff. Yeah, yeah. Check out a cool movie, meet Matt Besser. Yeah, I sincerely hope that's true. I saw that Crispin Glover did kind of a tour like this, and Kevin Smith's done a tour like this.

I think that's a cool idea, just to do these little one-offs in cities throughout the whole united states we should also mention that like the crispin glover movie your entire cast is developmentally and also you're crazy like crispin glover you have a four-hour powerpoint presentation that you're going to be giving i've heard about that at It's pretty fascinating. At every stop. Well, Matt, it's as always a delight to have you on the program. Thanks, guys. It's good to go with you.

Will you be our study? Yeah. MaxFunCon.com MaxFunCon East tickets about to go on sale. We've got a couple, just a couple of regular MaxFunCon tickets for June. And we'll see you next time Oh hey

Our meetup's coming up May 10th May 11th I think it is No May 10th May 11th is when I'm doing Brent Weinbach's video game music podcast At the UCB Which you can come to Me and Brent Weinbach

Will be presenting different video game Songs from the 8 and 16 bit eras and I will be trying to guess what they are. And failing. Yeah. Almost certainly. Yeah. I will fail on the non-Street Fighter. Brent Weinbach is very serious about his video game music.

There is no doubt about it. his video game music. There is no doubt about it. Brent Weinbach is one of the funniest people that I have ever known, like a genuinely brilliant stand-up comedian, very, very passionate and serious about video game music. A man just driven by his belief in the video game music genre. Yeah. I say go see that. That is not to be missed.

So yeah, Friday night, May 11th at the UCB in LA. This is a powder keg you're going to want to see explode. A powder keg of entertainment. Right. Yeah, but we're meeting up all over the country. On our forum right now, we have a list of meetups, not just our meetup with Aaron and Brian from Throwing Shade that's happening here in Los Angeles,

but meetups all over the country of Max Funsters who are going to this, going to the, this American life screening on the 10th and then getting together largely, but not exclusively at various franchises of Buffalo wild. Oh man, that's great. Super glad we got that off the ground. Every movie theater has a Buffalo wild wings by it.

It's perfect. Everyone can have the same experience. We can all get six boneless asian zings jesse this is a great idea it's a pretty solid 10 o'clock happy hour three dollar drafts three dollar wells all the till close all the college games all the college games talk to you next time i Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. We're three brothers. It's not a coincidence. We have a show. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Sometimes we also take questions from the Yahoo answer service. Hey, guys, how many pushups does it take to look like a werewolf?

That's a fine question, Griffin. We'll answer that one and so much more, including questions from readers about love and navigating the waters of society. Subscribe on iTunes or get it online at MaximumFun.org. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.