Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 225: Tree Pose with Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 29, 2012

Greg Fitzsimmons from Fitzdog Radio joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about yoga, the sensual misadventures of A. Dick and about his comedy alter ego, Grapefruit Simmons.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, we're joined by the great Greg Fitzsimmons.

And Jordan takes up yoga. Yeah, really, yoga. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, it's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. Well, I mean, it'll be more beautiful once I apologize.

Whoa, wow. Whoa, whoa. Hold on. Look out, Martha. I just... Lock down the cows. There's a situation. I mean, you know, it's...

Is that an expression? Lock down the cows. We have a situation. From Jersey Shore. That's the catchphrase of Jersey Shore. Sure, because he fucks cows. Yeah, that's Snoochie's catchphrase. From Jersey Shore.

Lockdown the cows. And it's funny, you know, like how in, you know, real world they would set them up with a job like at a fro-yo stand or a hip nightclub. And this season, the Jersey Shore gang. Right. The guidos and guidettes. Yeah. All work on a farm nightclub. And this season, the Jersey Shore gang, the guidos and guidettes, all work on a farm, and the situation is just trying to fuck the cows. But he's like,

and JWoww is, we need to milk these heifers and get them to market. We can't spend all our time fucking them. Right, well, because a lot of people don't know this, but JWoww has a 4-H background. And then they beat up the beat. Yeah. Sorry, because a lot of people don't know this, but JWoww has a 4-H background. And then they beat up the beat. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, sorry. Back to my apology. Do we want to bring... Let's bring in our guest. Okay. He can... I think that you should apologize to our guest just as much as you should apologize. I don't know what you're going to apologize for. But you deserve... Our guest deserves your apology as much as I do, as much as America

does. He's a brilliant stand-up comedian. He's the host of FitzDog Radio, Mr. Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg, welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. A pleasure to have you back on the program. It's a pleasure. I feel a little bit like a waiter at a Denny's waiting on an old couple that hasn't noticed that I'm waiting to take the order. You look a little bit like the old couple. I don't mean to be rude, but you are wearing golf shoes and athletic socks with shorts. You're wearing saddle.

Your golf shoes are saddle shoes where the central part is like a faux lattice. What's that called? Like a faux woven? It's crocodile. It's fake crocodile. It's crocodile. It's fake crocodile. And here's the thing about you is, you know, I have different – everybody has what do they call it?

Cardinal trait and then secondary trait. Sure. Your cardinal trait to me is footwear. And so I'm getting out of my car and I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to get there. I'm going to get there. I'm going to jump out of my car at the meter and I'm going to put my shoes back on because I forgot to leaving the golf course. And then I'll be able to go inside and Jesse won't see my shoes. And you guys are waiting outside the street. To let you into the garage.

To let you into the parking garage. No, don't change your shoes. You're fine. And then shit on me the entire time. So, Greg, you were kind of planning on for your whole time being here, it being sort of like a Dorf on golf situation where you're just on your knees like a Tim Conway. That's what you were planning on. I was hoping that it could be more charitable, like a charitable golf tournament. But we can go Dorf.

Yeah. I should clarify that I was planning on it being a Dorf on golf type situation. I just would love for us to do more Dorf on golf style stuff. Sure. I just think it would be fun. I mean, just put some shoes on our knees and see where it goes. Have you ever put your arms behind Jesse's and pretended you were his arm? You know what?

I bet we have done that. Well, we were on an improv team in college. So, yes, I think we have done that in a dining hall. Freeze. Yeah. Now, everybody say some quotes from Napoleon Dynamite and we'll work them into the show. So, yes, not on this podcast, but we have done that in order to entertain and educate. It doesn't work quite as well in audio.

I mean, we've tried it in the audio format. We just kind of have to say what's going on. We have to say, oh, Jesse, he's making a cake and everything's getting all over the place. Yeah. Or like, you know, he's trying to do some filing, but it's weird because his arms are too low. Yeah. Or he's trying to photocopy something, but his tie is in the middle of the photocopy screen.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the type of stuff. Fun situation. That's the kind of stuff that we get involved in. He's trying to fuck a cow. But his arms are too short. I don't want...

Look, we are having a lot of fun right now, Jordan. God, I mean, I still have this... I know. I was trying to derail because I... It sounds like there's something important that you need to get off your chest, and I don't want to not give you the opportunity to do this. There's a million things that you have to apologize for. If I made a list, Greg wouldn't even have a chance to get a word in.

And so I'm not going to make a list. I'm just going to be as amused as everyone can be. I lead a life of mistakes. But here's one that's been weighing particularly heavy on me. Last week on the show, I said that Tilda Swinton was the villain in Hannah. Yes. It was actually Cate Blanchett. Wow.

There's more. Hold on. Hold the phone. Later that week, I was on Kumail Nanjiani's podcast, The Indoor Kids. Popular podcast from the Nerdist Network. And I confused Elijah Dushku and Charisma Carpenter. Holy shit. And then, you know, while I'm putting it all on the table. Fucking shame train just keeps getting longer. Doug Benson has blackballed him from on movies. Yeah, it's bad.

After the show, Jesse, I remember you and I were having a conversation. Yeah. Wherein I confused Lou Diamond Phillips and Edward James Olmos. I gotta go. I gotta head out. Greg, wait. Hold on. Give me a chance. I just want to like thank everybody out there on the internet for like correcting me constantly. Thank you for all the ads, the text messages, the emails, the DMs, the Facebook messages, just really everyone for correcting me on those issues because, I mean. I want to voice a concern here. Yeah. The folks who corrected Jordan on the Edward James Olmos, Lou Diamond Phillips error.

How did you know about that? That was a private conversation between me and Jordan. I didn't say anything about it to anyone. Jordan didn't say anything about it to anyone. Jordan didn't say anything about it to anyone. Well, Jesse, you know why they call me the Nixon of podcasting? Because I'm always recording my enemies. I consider you an enemy.

And you're your own deep throat? Yes, yes, exactly. Is that why I kept getting those angry calls from the Washington Post? I mean, maybe. Maybe just because you canceled your subscription. I mean, print. Maybe just because you canceled your subscription. I mean, print media is in trouble.

When I donated to our local public radio station here, I got a subscription to Los Angeles Magazine as one of my premiums. I have not renewed this magazine in two years.

It just keeps coming. Yeah. That's because those magazines, especially like a local magazine, it is a trick. It is not even an actual magazine. No. The only one that's actually a magazine is New York Magazine. All the others are not actually magazines. No, because you can cancel your subscription because you can get it free on the way out of Whole Foods.

Right. In a Foods. Right. Stack. Yes. Now listen. This is a terrible magazine. There are some good pictures of food in this magazine. So, you know, if they want to keep sending it, I will look at these pictures of food. If they want to keep sending it, you'll keep beating off to it.

Sure. Exactly. The glazed ham. Yeah. A getaway in Palm Springs? Who's performing in San Bernardino Valley this weekend? There's something. I somehow had a subscription to Los Angeles Magazine.

Oh, you know what it was? My landlord used to live in my house, and now he moved to a different house. I rent. He continues to own the house that I live in. The logistics didn't need to be explained in such detail. It was obvious. People could have figured it out. But my landlord used to live in my house and never did an address change form, I guess.

And we got all his magazines. So we got his Texas A&M alumni magazine. Or no, University of Texas, hook them horns. Black asses. Yeah, we got his black asses magazine. They be fat. Okay. P-H?

Yeah, absolutely. We got his Fat fat beach uh dvd subscription it's just a subscription where each each month you get a dvd copy of the film fat beach um ph are these different at all or it's the same dvd are they like no director's cuts or he would wear them out oh okay okay that's the thing the guy just loves the antics of the various Tommy Davidson and company. I think Tommy Davidson was the star of Fat Beach. If he's not, you're racist. Edward James Olmos, Lou Diamond. I am racist. And I am racist against Latinos, Native Americans and the sinuous.

Sure. The sinuous. Well, and I mean, because I confused Elijah Dushku and Charisma Carpenter, I'm prejudiced against interchangeable Burnetts. I actually have a segment on my podcast called Half a Man

where people send in these types of people who exist in a space that you don't care. Like, if you're watching a movie and one of them is in it or the other one, it doesn't matter to you. Yeah. Who are some other examples?

Who are the quintessential examples of this? Well, Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin, of course. Sure. Naturally. Can I say something? We've never talked about this on the show, but something really amazing that happened last year at Max Fun Con was we had the Upright Citizens Brigade there. And it was Matt and Matt and Ian were doing ASCAT. And at the beginning of the show, they come out.

The popular improv show. The popular improv show ass cat and they they come out and they do a sort of audience q a segment and they often instead of like a lot of improv groups will get a suggestion what they'll do is they'll just sort of talk about what's going on with them and then one will put their hands through the other one's shoulders and they'll make a cake oh my god great bit always good they'll uh they'll do some sort of they'll do some sort of polling of the audience, like something that comes up in their impromptu conversation. They'll do some polling of the audience and sort of bet against each other about what percentage of the audience will have done what, right? that they said was, it came up in their conversation,

and then they said, this is something that we've done with audiences before, but we're not going to tell you how it usually comes out because we want you to see how it usually comes out. And their poll was, first they asked people how many people, well, first they said, which do you think it's going to be more? How many people have ridden an elephant? Or how many people have been sexually assaulted somewhere on the unwanted physical sexual attention scale

by Andy Dick? Like who have been touched, groped, kissed, felt up, some unwanted physical sexual attention from Andy Dick. And this was in what town? This was in Lake Arrowhead, California, where we have Max FunCon. So it's not even like the middle of Andy Dick's world. No. And these people come from all over the country.

So this was not a Hollywood crowd by any means. And it was, if I remember correctly, two people had ridden an elephant, three people had been sexually assaulted by Andy Dick. Yeah, and this isn't even people like, oh, well, I was at the Groundlings. None of them were in Los Angeles. No, Andy Dick traveled somewhere else and harassed someone who was not part of the entertainment industry. He is essentially a traveling sexual assaultor.

So he works against the whole Megan's Law thing because he's on the move. He's on the move. Yeah, he should have like, you know, in like a movie about a military tracking screen, there's like a green dot with a pinging circle around him. Sure. Like there's probably a guy that is in a bunker somewhere in Washington, D.C. that just has a screen that it's just Andy Dick and a 50 yard radius of people being sexually harassed, assaulted and having unwanted sexual, physical, sexual attention addressed towards them. But to the. It was two dudes and one lady, by the way. But the beauty of that is if you want to be successful in show business, and I don't think

we're all talking about Andy Dick, so you can say he is quantifiably successful. Andy Dick's going to have to touch your junk. He, you know, I've worked, I did two pilots with the guy. Wow. And I don't believe he made any sexual advances on me. And I'm not going to make the joke oh what's wrong with me sure but notice we're talking about him and he's not in jail for sexual harassment right right so he has managed to just be right on that line right it's page six yeah but it's not chapter 11

yeah sure he has danced on that line you know and year. And that is the tightrope that I think the famous have to – I mean, yeah, Britney Spears. I mean, we're still talking about her hitting that car with that umbrella. I mean, not us, but the culture. Paula Abdul made music in the 80s. Sure. And is still in the page. You have to have enough madness. Sure.

And is still in the picture. You have to have enough madness. I mean, even aside from your getting public attention. But you have to have this kind – it can help a lot anyway. To have this kind of madness where responsible people who are not talented have a job to do, which is to, like, grab you by the shoulders and point you and push you towards your mark. Yeah. Or just. Yeah. Or just.

Or out of the street. Just out of the. Just out of traffic. An associate producer or whatever. Someone who who wanted to be in show business isn't talented, but does show up for work. That person needs a job and they need to feel like they contributed something to the effort. And so it's they need people involved in the production. To create a kind of flume for Andy Dick.

And to have enough people on speed dial that an intervention can be done within 24 hours. He's the point person on the intervention. He's the start of the phone tree. Yes. The intervention phone tree. And he's the one that walks him into the room. Yeah. When he gets ambushed.

I mean, I don't know. Hello, Mr. Bonaduce. Yeah. Not that I'm asking you to dish or anything, but what was it like working on pilots with him? Were the, were the, did the shows turn out good? Was it a. He is brilliant.

I mean, God, I mean, I think, I mean, like, news radio is so funny, and he's so great on that. And he did a sketch show from MTV. Sure, totally. It is, like, really inspired. Have you ever seen, Greg, he did this thing with Dino Stamatopoulos, who's now currently a writer on, has become recently well-known for being starburns on Community. for being star burns on community. But brilliant comedy writer Dino Stamatopoulos, who wrote for the Ben Stiller Show.

I mean, a million different things, Mr. Show. And he and Dino had a doubles act at one point early in the 90s. And they reunited to do this bit that they had done in their doubles act on Kimmel. Because Jimmy Kimmel heard about this 10 years later and knew them and said, will you do that on my show? So this is what the bit was. And you can find it on YouTube. I actually, I may have been the person that put it on YouTube. Why did you whisper? Well, I don't know.

It's illegal. I don't know. Maybe Jimmy Kimmel's listening. He's upset that I'm stealing his show. Or maybe someone in Jimmy Kimmel's office is listening. So if Jesse would have said it loudly, Jimmy Kimmel would have heard. Got it. Well done. So this is essentially what the bit is. And I'm not

ruining it by saying it because the bit is just this. It's seeing it that saying it because the bit is just this. It's seeing it that makes it funny. It's them doing who's on first. Verbatim. The two of them doing who's on first verbatim. I don't remember which

one is Abbott and which one is Costello, but Dino Stamatopoulos is the one who is getting everything wrong, is being confusing, and Andy Dick is the one who's getting everything wrong, is being confusing. And Andy Dick is the one who's getting more and more frustrated. And every time that Andy Dick gets frustrated, every time Dino Stamatopoulos says something that is confusing, Andy Dick just punches Dino Stamatopopoulos just full-on strikes him not a stage punch

actually hits him in the face in the face punches him like basically punches him bloody and dino is has discussed publicly the fact that he's a masochist. So he is fine with this. Wow. But it is like, so they're just doing Who's on First, but it is like, what if Who's on First also involved

one of Abbott and Costello just kicking the shit out of the other one for being so obtuse. I love that. And it is the most amazing thing, and Andy Dick's spectacular in it. I mean, just as spectacular as he was on news radio.

But yeah, him and Sketch, he commits to something, and he is a master, you know, engaged. He's engaged, yes and, you know, he's just really talented. And I said to him, I was the showrunner on one of the shows, and I was also in it, and I said to him, look, he wasn't drinking. I go, we're shooting, and you're drinking.

I leave, and I go home. And so two weeks go by, nothing perfect. We're shooting in a bar one night. He orders a beer, starts drinking, and he's looking around. I go, where's Greg? They said he left. He went home. Never happened again.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, he's a guy that responds to boundaries. He's just surrounded by these people you're describing. Right. Who are enabling. Who are just pointing him. Yes.

Sure, exactly. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I think it's like any star. You're just, nobody tells them. Right. That they're being an asshole. Sure.

You know? That's the problem with Jordan. Yeah. Just let me know, guy. Put me in my place. If I confuse. See, this guy's behavior is out of control. But let me know, guy. Put me in my place. If I confuse... See, this guy's behavior is out of control. But, you know, and...

That's why we have to start... Every show starts with an apology like this. Yeah. I mean, he's apologizing for being racist against, I mean, Latinos. Brunette women. Native American brunettes. The sinuous. Do you believe if there was a new race that you didn't know

about, you could find a way to dislike them categorically? Well, it would have to start with one of their women not fucking me. Because I mean, I'm fine with everyone until one of the women turns me down. I mean, it's happened with all these groups. Sinuous. Right. I mean, that's the classic story. It's just like Lewis and Clark.

Medium height, pleasant brunettes. Just traveling from tribe to tribe. Trying to fuck. Being denied. Being racist. And then being, yeah. And then leaving disease in their wake. Yes, exactly.

And then I give them a blanket. So whores are actually the only group of people that you don't disdain. You know, they're an industrious people, a rich culture, great food. Oh, and their music. It is just so, it's just joyful. Yeah. It's, yeah. The whores are great.

Yeah. We'll be back in just a second. Yeah. Also pocket pussies. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love your donations and by Comedy Bang Bang on IFC. A hilarious new comedy show. It's got Scott Aukerman. It's got Andy Daly. It's got Reggie Watts. All kinds of hilarious people being hilarious.

Starts June 8th at 10 p.m. Followed by Bunk with Kurt Braunohler. It's great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hi, Greg Fitzsimmons, FitzDog Radio.

It's the name of his show. I don't know if it's really, strictly speaking, a nickname. I mean, you know, it's functional. It helps him plug his show. Yeah. And it's great. It's great. I mean, it's a great show.

It's a great show. People should listen to it. So I'm not against, Greg, if you want your nickname to also be your show. Can I do a different one? Yeah. I mean, if you want to. Greg also be your show. Can I do a different one? Yeah, if you want to. Greg Fitzsimmons. Grapefruit Simmons. Yeah.

That's better. That's better. Also listen to FitzDog Radio. Available on iTunes. Yeah, sure, sure. You earned as many plugs as we can fit in with Grapefruit Simmons. That's tremendous. A woman called a comedy club.

Let's assume she was an overweight black woman. And she said, she goes, who's on the show tonight? And they said, she was from the 1930s also. And they said, well, it's Jackie Flynn and Anthony Clark and Greg Fitzsimmons. And she says, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner? And so everybody in Boston calls me Grapefruit Simmons. And I missed an opportunity to brand myself back in 93 when this happened. I should have jumped on the Grapefruit bandwagon.

Oh, man. Grapefruit Simmons. That's, I think, the greatest. Holy mackerel. You could be the king of the Luxor in Vegas. Now it's Carrot Top. But it could have been Grapefruit Simmons. Think of all the ways you could go with the name Grapefruit Simmons.

You could be like a sort of like, number one, you could be a white guy that does Showtime at the Apollo. Yes. Number one. Yep. You could be like, what's up, y'all? It's your boy Grapefruit. It's like, it's your favorite honky, Grapefruit Simmons.

What's up, y'all? You can't see this, but Jesse's raising the roof as he does. He was raising the roof. It was a sort of three quarters. I don't know what this is called. This isn't quite raising the roof. No, that's sort of like cleaning the gutters. Yeah, it's cleaning the gutters. Yeah. Cleaning the gutters.

But you could also take it to Branson. I think this is something you could take to Branson, Missouri. Get yourself a spot at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. Yeah, exactly. Get yourself a middle spot on Yakov's show. And if you don't think that Las Vegas has a citrus convention every year and that they're not looking for a headliner each year. Sure. Every year they call up all the big comedy agencies.

They say, get me a citrus guy. And they say carrot top and they go, that's produce. Yeah. That's a root. That's a root. Not a citrus. I don't want a tuber guy. I don't want to.

Yeah. This is fucking. Like, I don't know. Get me somebody like an Orange Johnson. Would Grapefruit Simmons do? Yeah. You know why I'm silent right now? Is that I really feel like I fucked up my career.

Blew it. You're thinking about – People don't remember me. I've been doing this for 22 years. I've done – Some amazing credits. Yeah. Four Emmys.

I've been on Letterman ten times and Conan and Half Hour Special when you say that you've done four Emmys you have friends who have won Emmys

you've gone over to their house while they were asleep and fucked their Emmys did I say done? yeah do you have four Emmys? you have not

fucked an award you're an Emmy award winner I have three Emmys because I sent one to my mom if we're going to be the most literal people I just thought it would be funny to imagine You're an Emmy winner. I have three Emmys because I sent one to my mom if we're going to be the most literal people. I just thought it would be funny to imagine you fucking an Emmy. The reason I hate Jews is because I was turned down for sex by a Brene Brith award.

Now I'm raising the roof. Again, you're cleaning the gutters. I'm cleaning the gutters. I'm cleaning the gutters. Raising the roof, cleaning the gutters. I'm cleaning the gutters. I'm cleaning the gutters. Raising the roof, cleaning the gutters. Not to celebrate my own remark. This has become like an aerobics class in here with the amount of different physical. Yeah.

This is kind of like a hot yoga, a Bikram yoga. Bikram yoga. It's like a hot yoga. With denim. Right. And golf shoes. I mean, there's a lot. Look, you've had an amazing career, Greg, and I think it will only continue to grow in success.

I'm just saying, this Grapefruit Jones thing. I changed it to Grapefruit Jones, by the way. I like that better. It's just a little punchier. I mean, it no longer rhymes with your real name. But in this scenario, nobody cares what your real name is. No. Anyway.

No. You're going to have to get yourself some overalls, one way or the other. They're either going to be, there's two ways you could go with this. Again, they're either going to be sort of Oshkosh Bagash style overalls, and you're going to need, you know, a piece of wheat. Or they're going to be like yellow Carl Connie overalls. Yeah. I don't recommend. Chuck Taylor's red.

I do not recommend FUBU overalls because that is for them and by them. Yes. And they will pick up on that at the Apollo. It's a very sensitive audience. Got it. It's like I can't use the N-word or wear FUBU. Right. But you can say honky, and I recommend that you open with honky

because they got to know where you stand. Yeah. If you say that's your thing, then they can't put it back at you. And you're kissing the ring. Absolutely. You're saying you are the oppressor and I am the honky. And they will not only raise the roof,

they will actually get up and take the chimney and jack it a couple inches higher. Yeah, jacking the chimney. You know that classic move? Sure, the old jacking the chimney. When I'm up in the club, I'm jacking the chimney. Sure. I'm cleaning the gutters.

Then why wouldn't you be? I'm fucking the Grammy. I'm fucking the Grammy. Why wouldn't you be? Why wouldn't you be, Jordan? He's jacking the chimney. Oh, I thought that was just white smoke coming out. Sorry.

It's okay. Jordan, this is something that we touched on briefly in the last episode last week. But I want to get back to it because it's something that I really feel like I need to dig into. Sure. You have actually had a lot more free time on your hands lately because your old job at the television network Fuel TV was all-consuming. Sure. This was a job where you never knew where you were going to be at what time. It was sort of like being— I got consumption.

That's how all-consuming it was is I got a disease from the 20s. Yeah. Really? No, I did not get consumption. That would have been cool, though. Yeah get consumption. That would have been cool, though. Yeah. Yeah. Would have been fun.

You could have been sent to one of those recovery camps in Arizona because of the dry air. Yes. And you know what also helps it is grapefruit. Right. Oh, no, that's gout. I think that's gout. Well. I just need to hear a couple of jokes.

Either way. Some of the signature one-liners from Grapefruit Simmons. Laughter is the best medicine. Exactly. That's it. Robin Williams did jokes. Either way. Some of the signature one-liners from Grapefruit Simmons. Laughter is the best medicine. Exactly. That's it. Robin Williams did that. So. It was called Bicentennial Man.

So I'm wondering what you're up to, like, to fill in the time that you're, because you are working part-time right now. Well, yeah. You know, I've done a pretty good job of kind of being a freelancer who works on various bits and bops, let's call them. You're running numbers. I'm running numbers. White slavery. Sure.

Child brides from Russia. Yeah. You want them? I can get them. Yeah. I'm like the bad guys in the movie Taken, basically. That's what I'm up to. No.

So, you know, actually, my- You're making juice on the street corner with one of those big crank arms under the pseudonym Grapefruit Joe. Right. So it's been interesting kind of, you know, kind of having to always think about setting up my next thing. And I've done pretty good doing it um but it's it's weird i definitely have the bends a little bit from not going into the same office um uh you know every day six days a week 10 hours a day um and it's weird and and and it's so i'm i'm finding that my like – my just general lows have been getting a little lower. I've been – just when that kind of blah hits me, it's been a little more palpable than I would like it to be.

So I – and the advice that everybody keeps giving me on this is yoga. Everybody is saying yoga. Do some kind of yoga and exercise, which is not, I'm not naturally an exerciser. So yeah, God, no. So yeah, so I just, I decided I should give it a try. There's a, there's a yoga studio, you know, literally on catty corner from my house. literally on caddy corner from my house. And so I've been going to it for about two months now, and I'm really enjoying it.

But the kind of the original, the first struggle I had, RE Yoga, was just like looking on their website. And, you know, I could kind of, my thing was like, oh, I can go in the morning before I go into whatever job. So I just kind of was looking at the times and a different person teaches that morning class every day. So you could roll over the name and look at a little picture and have a little bio of whoever was teaching the class. And my first struggle was it doesn't really matter what day I go in. All of these classes would kind of work for me time-wise.

Do I want a babe to be leading the class? Because have you ever done yoga before? I have not done yoga before. And so you're setting yourself up. Right. And the question is, I mean, the assumption is that you're not going to be a, let's say, let's call it a star of the yoga class. Sure. And it's a competition. It's a very competitive sport.

Well, your goal is ultimately to get to the National Yoga Championship. Right. Exactly. Yes. I did recently watch a video of Alan Thicke hosting the National Aerobics Championship. I have also watched that. That's not true. Yes, it is.

On syndicated television from, I'm going to say, the mid-1980s, like in 1986, 1987. The greatest thing about that is, you know, we all put pressure on ourselves on every job because it's important. And to host that must feel like, I'm going to not care and it's going to be great. No, he wrote his own aerobics monologue. He has an aerobics monologue with aerobics jokes in it. And he wrote an aerobics theme song for the thing. Wow. Anyway.

I was way off on that. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. But the question is, the fact is, and I'm not saying this is a judgment of you because the truth is that I would probably be worse at yoga than you are. Yeah. I'm awful at it. Just on the table. I am really bad at it. I cannot do these things.

So do you want to embarrass yourself in front of? Right. So I, you know, and I think, you know, when there is. Wait, are you saying that? Right. So I think when there is – Wait. Are you saying that – I think what you're saying, Jesse, is that you should be going conversely to somebody who's less attractive because you'd feel less self-conscious? Well, it's a tough call because you know you're going to be self-conscious because, number one, you're doing yoga. I mean that's enough to make you self-conscious, I think. Number two, you're Jordan.

Right. Sure. Exactly. Which is humiliating just on a day-to-day basis. Number three. I always feel, even if they're not, I always feel like my pants are around my ankles and I've got heart boxer shorts on. That's my general mental state.

But the question is, the question is, do you have, do you want to take some time to get to a base level of competency that will allow you to not shame yourself in front of an attractive member of the opposite sex? Or, and I'm going to throw this out there, are you the kind of man, and I'm saying man because I think that this is probably three times more likely to be a male issue than a lady issue, not least because there's going to be a lot more lady yoga teachers. Are you the type of man? Although, you know, I actually did, I brought this up to a friend and she said, a female friend, and she said she had similar feelings because the yoga, the male yoga instructors are always pretty good looking.

So I, yeah, not as much of an issue, but I think it exists. Anyways. Okay. Well, I'm happy to hear that. Okay. So are you the type of man or woman who can use your inept in front of an attractive person and somehow twist that into an advantage because they need help from the attractive person. Yeah, for me also it is just because kind of the other issue is that because I am, I feel like a little lower than I have been in my life.

These are my kind of general, my lows have been lower. Like I'm already feeling a little bit self-conscious. I'm not really where I want to be. And I feel like I'm going to fail at this pose, you know, at let's say tree pose. And then in my mind, this attractive yoga instructor is saying wow he can't even lift his foot up to his taint i bet he'll also never finish that screenplay he's been talking about boy i bet he has trouble with relationships she'll think to herself so i'm feeling i so i have to like be reminded of all my shortcomings as soon as I tip over in this yoga class.

But is that because of the yoga or because yoga is at hand because you're bad at yoga or is it just because taints came up? I mean, you know, obviously. I mean, obviously taints remind you of failure. I've got an unusually large taint. Well, no, let's get to that. The tree pose, if people aren't familiar with it, is you're rooted to the ground. That's why it's called tree.

One foot is on the ground. Your other foot, you take the heel and you run it up the inside of your thigh. Sure. And as a female, right up to where it naturally stops. Inside your cooch. If you can get it there, you're level five. Yoga is great, and we should explain, in levels one to five. Yes.

Now, if you're grazing the flap, okay, level four. You're almost home. Now, if you're a man. Five. That's when you meet Alan Fitch. Yeah. On channel 44. Note to editor, title of this episode, Grazing the Flap.

Yoga! And jacking the chimney. But as a man, you raise that heel up, you get to a certain level, you are now in a very sensitive, uncomfortable area, and you're supposed

to then push the foot against the inner thigh to stay in place. Particularly when your lows are feeling lower than ever before. Sure, exactly. Interesting, yes. My testicles are droopier. I think that's what he was saying, yes. Yeah.

I've been accused of being emotionally retarded. Yeah, this specific pose, not a problem with me. I am so bad at lifting my foot close to my balls. So it's not even in the ball neighborhood. Got it. It's not even in the ballpark. It's barely post knee, my foot. So yeah.

Anyway, so I thought about it. I thought long and hard. And I went about it. I thought long and hard, and I went with dude. I went with dude who looks like he might be a roadie for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Got some tribal tats, kind eyes. Kind eyes. Kind eyes. And so I've been showing up, and he's really nice and helpful.

Anthony, I've got your fig bars. Yeah. Don't worry, Chad Smith. I've got the various oils you asked for. You just want to hack after the show? Is what he says. Does anyone here need their dick sucked? There's a line outside.

Yeah. Or I'll do it. Sexuality is fluid. That's the kind of guy this is. He'll suck a dick and then play the didgeridoo. But this brings up an interesting point. If you're going to choose a male instructor versus a female, I think you're making the agenda correct. Yeah. Because you're not going in to get titillated. You're going in for a Zen thing. Sure. because you're not going in to get titillated. You're going in for a zen thing. If you go to a male doctor and knowing that there is going to be the proctology moment, do you go to an old, kind man with soft hands or do you go to probably a more capable, young, well-trained doctor?

Oh, yeah. Interesting. Who looks like he is in Red Hot Chili Peppers. Right. I guess that's the question, I guess. Who do you go to? Oh, yeah. Interesting. headshot, I can spot any tribal tats that I know they'd be good for a buddy to go rock hopping with and trunning and also someone who knows how to grow the mother kombucha

mushroom so that you don't have to buy it. And after those premiums at Whole Foods. And after the exam, know where their raw food cart is. Right, exactly. Because he's got the app. Know where he can get a good quinoa wrap.

So, yeah, the dude's been great, and the class is actually just – because of its location, it's mostly super, super muscular 40- to 50-year-old gay men. So that's – so there's not – typically I'm not embarrassed in front of the pupils. It's in a gay nightclub. It's in a gay nightclub. It's at rage. It's a midnight class. Yeah, it's a midnight class.

And it's called, it's called, it's called the poppers session. But the whole thing is actually kind of moot because he has this just fucking beautiful lady helper that her job is to go around and notice the ways in which I'm failing. Yeah, she's a yoga fluffer. Right. Yes, exactly. So, yeah.

So the humiliation still exists. But the yoga has actually been good. It's actually been great for my mood and just general well-being, I think. How often do you yoga? Once or twice a week week it sounds like you've also yogged yeah greg you seem to you know you knew the lingo 15 years really i got a bad back and uh it's been amazing for me and i go in and uh it is that my neighborhood is um venice and there's a class and it's uh it's very like, you know,

you get these Santa Monica party chicks that, you know, their dads are paying for their two bedroom while they work in a cubicle for some horrible agent and then on the weekends

they drink their faces off. And then they drag themselves into like a 9 a.m. yoga class on a Sunday. Giant plastic Starbucks cup. It's not a cup. Right. It's a sil cup. Right.

Silo of Starbucks. And then they come in and they've got on the leotard and, you know, there's a camel toe and the hair isn't done. Sure. And then they get on the mat. You can smell the alcohol and you're just like, this is the opposite. They're just sweating out margarita. Yeah. Just sweating out skinny bitch margarita.

Yeah. That's a brand. I'm not sexist. And they're, yeah, it's just shame-based yoga. It's not where I want to be. Shame-based yoga. Wait, but this is an important question because this is something that is weird to me about yoga that I need addressed here. And I want to know about each of your yoga places.

I'm afraid to do yoga for many, many reasons, all of the reasons that Jordan listed and more. Um, but one of the things that makes me really, and so I don't want to seem like I'm on my high horse about this, but one of the things about yoga specifically relative to say Pilates or something like that, that makes me uncomfortable about it is that I don't have a deep understanding of yoga, but I'm pretty sure it's, uh, you are friends with Neil Pollack. I am friends with Neil Pollack who did write an entire book about yoga. Um, but I'm, it's, it's a religious practice or has its origins in a religious practice.

And I feel weird, A, about people that are just get into someone as someone's religious practice for religious practice reasons, but not just people who dabble in religions, like religious dabblers, people who are spiritual, but not religious. That makes me uncomfortable. People who would want, like if someone wanted to talk to me about the spiritual aspects of yoga, but also they weren't actually.

Right. Sure. They were interested in it. Yeah. When it made them sound interesting. Yeah, that would make me uncomfortable. That makes me very uncomfortable. But then I also understand

that there's another version of yoga where there's no mention of any of that. Sports yoga. Yeah. And that also makes me uncomfortable. Or you listen to the classic Huey Lewis album. What are you doing? The class is just the length of the album.

Yes. When I Need a New Job comes on, you know it's time for Shavasne. That's why this man's fucked an Emmy. He just says something like that, and the little golden guy just bends right over. Give it to me. But if you extract all of the religious content, that also makes me kind of uncomfortable. Like, that also makes me feel weird about it. It's why I don't listen to George Harrison after The Beatles.

Oh, funny. It also makes me feel weird about it. It's why I don't listen to George Harrison after the Beatles. Yeah. Oh, funny. I can't stand George Harrison after the Beatles, even though it's beautiful music. But here's this guy who decided, you know, I'm going Buddhist, and then I'm going to represent Buddhism to the world. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, but you're using the same chords as, who is it? He got convicted for stealing. Oh, you're right.

My Sweet Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. It would be a great poll if anyone could think of it. Ray Parker Jr. Sure, yes. She's So Fine by the Rondells. Yeah, yeah.

So the point being, Buddhism is done over a lifetime. Yeah. Point being, he – Buddhism is done over a lifetime. And he picked it up for a few years and all of a sudden was going around with Ravi Shankar and it just to me turned me off to – I'll read real Buddhism. I'll read the Book of the Dead. I'll go deep. But I don't want a cheerleader for it telling me about it. Is that what you're saying? for it telling me about it. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. What I'm saying is I just – it just makes the – like I'm not sure what to make of the idea of – I'm not even sure what to make of the idea as exercise as religious practice. And so I'm – not that I'm against it, but I'm not sure where I stand on it for me personally. And so both removing it and leaving it in seem like weird versions of cultural imperialism that I'm not entirely comfortable with. Let me ask you two questions. Okay. Number one.

You're feeling on luau's in Hawaii. Do you go or not go? I was invited to a luau in Hawaii. I did not go to it. Correct answer there. Number two, do you eat the free lunch with the Hare Krishnas? I have never eaten a free lunch with the Hare Krishnas. Wrong answer.

What circumstances? Why would I do that? Because they want you to have it with no expectations. I'm not against. And no expectations of it. I'm not against. And it's phenomenal food. I'm not against eating this. When you're going in for a hard Christian lunch, what are you getting?

I've never, I've maybe heard of this, but I don't know specifically. It's vegetarian, if not vegan. I believe it's vegan. Yeah. And it's like, you know, lettuce wraps. Okay. And all kinds of tasty, sweet little, that's the beauty of it. You don't know.

Oh, okay. It's like Ethi of it. You don't know. Oh, okay. It's like Ethiopian food. This is a paste. And then you got the song and dance after it, and it's not like a hardcore Dianetics where they want your email and they're going to start lurking. No, it's there for you to share in, you know. Whereas the luau really is a celebration of the four remaining Hawaiians that were not decimated by colonialism. Right. Now they're dancing for the tourists, smiling.

Sure. Like, it's OK. It's OK. We're fine. And it's like Puerto Ricans. It's probably not even real Hawaiians. And people pay like hundreds of dollars to go to these luau's. And it's basically, yeah, it's the yoga version of the, what do you call those people?

Polynesian? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I think it's – it is a – also when you were saying that, like wouldn't it be – because I'm thinking about these entitled Santa Monica women that you were mentioning. Like what if they had another religious practice that they did when they were hungover? Like I go in for a communion. I fucking had a rough night.

A little of the wine, bite of the dog. Sure. Yeah. The wine is the hair of the dog. Yeah. No, I don't know. It's funny. The one I go to is pretty, I mean, pretty a-religious.

No one has even said namaste. So, yeah, it seems free of the thing um there is some uh tapestries up you know what i want to do i think i've we've talked about this on the show before but instead of going to a yoga studio i want to go to a studio where you do uh communist china calisthenics where you wear like a black smock or something? Yeah. You know how everybody has to – I mean it's fading now. Someone sent us – someone actually – when this came up on the show a few months ago,

someone sent me an article about how some young people in China won't do it. And so – Wait. Is that their names? Some young? Hey. Hold on. You're thinking of Lou Diamond Phillips.

Sure. Some young people in China won't do the calisthenics. And so it's like a big deal in China. And, you know, it's like sort of like creeping Westernism versus, you know, why do we all have to do exactly the same calisthenics at exactly the same time every morning? Oh, it was part of the Communist Party line is to do these exact- Yeah, everybody does these calisthenics in the morning. And I had a teacher in middle school who had lived in China for a while and had us do China calisthenics in PE class. Pretty fun.

Pretty fun set of calisthenics. They work great for everybody, including old Chinese ladies in the park, as I'm sure you guys have witnessed. Oh, yeah, with the arm circles followed by a flick. Yeah, you know about the big arm circles, little arm circles.

Yeah, sure. The whole nine yards. And I would like to open a chain of communist China. Yeah. I love it. And granted, has the government of communist China been associated with some mid-sized genocides? Yes.

But it's not directly associated to the calisthenics. The calisthenics have probably saved a few lives by promoting good heart health. Sure. But they did make them more effective at committing genocide. Because they don't get winded as quickly. Yeah, during various purges. When they're exterminating. But didn't the Chinese also come up with Kung Fu where you can defend yourself from genocide?

So isn't there? Oh, yeah. That is an interesting theory that you're working on. It's not fully developed yet. It's yin-yang is, I guess, what I'm saying. Yeah, that is. I'm going to work on it more in the corner. Yeah, bring it up with your yoga teacher and see if your yogi has anything.

I see those old Chinese people, and they are in perfect shape. They're moving good. They got nice, comfortable joints. Got a lot of joint movement. There's a lot of leaning down and touching toes and a lot of arm circles. Quick walk. Cleaning the gutters. Yeah.

Raising the roof. Yep. Sometimes. I like all those moves. I think that's a nice solution because you don't have to worry about. In fact, not only do you not have to worry about religion, religion is explicitly banned. That's right. Anyone who about religion. Religion is explicitly banned. Anyone who practices

anyone who practices religion put them in the get rid of them. Or has too many girl babies. Both of those. You cannot come in the studio. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Greg Fitzsimmons, Grapefruit Simmons. How dare you? Love it. Love it. Sorry.

You know what you could do? I'm just going to throw something out here. Yeah. I'm not saying, look, I'm not your manager. I'm not your agent. Watch what you say because I am Greg's manager. Okay. And this is confident in what we're doing here.

I am here to poach you from Jordan. Oh, okay. That's what I'm here to do. I've been working for you, Greg. I've been working for you. Hey, look, man, it's just I've outgrown you. All right. You know, I was a small grapefruit before.

Hey, stick with me and you'll be fucking Oscars by the end of the year. I can introduce you to a lot of really powerful people. Like? You know, have you ever met Jordan Morris from Jordan Jesse Go? I know him. Jesse, you're trying to poach me. You're trying to poach him from me. Yeah, well, we're good friends, so I can introduce him.

I can set you up on a meeting with Jordan Morris. I already represent him. He can have a meeting with me any time. Have you ever met Kurt Anderson from Public Radio International Studio 360? Familiar with his work, yeah. I can set you up on a meeting with him. But I know him, though. I might be.

Oh, okay. So you can probably set that up yourself. Well, what you just set up is really not that far from how things work in Hollywood. Have you ever met Guy Raz from Weekend Edition, the host of Weekend Edition? Weekend All Things Considered? Yeah, we had a barbecue last weekend. Okay. Could you introduce me to him?

Have you ever met Simon the Baby? Again, do you think I haven't had a manager ask me to introduce him to somebody in the studio? I mean, none of this is parody. This is dead on. Yeah, this is a documentary. My friend told me about a show he was working on where the star's manager leveraged himself to become a producer by saying, my client won't do this show unless I produce. Client unaware of that particular leverage being applied.

That he's potentially being fucked. Yes. And then the manager took so much money out of the budget as a producer that there was very little money. Why? Because the agent was also packaging the show, meaning an agent can bring two or three pieces of talent to a show and then get a fee as a packager, which really means, wait, so your clients are all getting work and then we're paying you extra

because we're giving these people this great situation. OK, got that. Then my friend wanted to negotiate down the manager producer fee so there'd be more money to hire another writer. producer fee so there'd be more money to hire another writer. He was referred to the agent who represents the star because that agent had made the producing deal for the manager. Wow. That's a, that's, and how much coke did everyone do?

Isn't that amazing? Wow. Hmm. How do we get into that business? We gotta get into that business. Yeah. We once interviewed Dustin Diamond. Would you like his home phone number? How do we get into that business? We got to get into that business. Yeah. We once interviewed Dustin Diamond.

Would you like his home phone number? That actually, now you're paying this thing off. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Here's my pitch for you, Greg. Instead of going back in time and abandoning the Greg Fitzsimmons career track and all the Emmys and all the prestige and all the yoga for Grapefruit Simmons. How about this? Put in, get a little bit of money together.

Get yourself a nice hat, a nice farmer type hat and a good fake beard. And this is important. It has to be good. Nice pair of overalls. Start yourself a parallel career as Grapefruit Simmons. I love it. Get yourself a few gigs. I don't think it's that hard to rise in the ranks of the country bumpkin comedy community. You will have to suck the dick of one of Jeff Dunham's puppets.

Are you saying that's a downside? No, I mean, it's just a reality. So you're talking about a Buster Poindexter move right here. Yes, that's exactly. You already have the classy, high-end, prestigious New York Dolls type career. Yes. You've already influenced the face of now you've got to get that hot, hot, hot money. Yeah.

Exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't play CBGBs forever, Greg. No. You need to get to the main room at Caesars. Sure. Yeah. With hot, hot, hot. And the road to the main room at Caesars. Sure. Yeah. With hot, hot, hot.

And the road to the main room at Caesars is paved with overalls. One strap overalls, by the way. It's a diagonal strap. You got to let one down. Yep. Why? What is the history of the one shoulder strap down on the overalls? I think you're letting the audience know that you're dumb.

Like it's a nonverbal signal to the audience. You're like, hey, I'm just a dummy. You know? And I think they like that. I think they're comforted by knowing that you're not going to, you know. I don't know. I think it's a tribute to the late Lisa Left Eye Lopes. She was great.

Lisa Left Eye Lopes. She was great. Or to the great Linda Ronstadt, Off the Shoulder Luck, on the cover of one of her albums that I can't remember. Sports by Huey Lewis. When something momentous happens to those of you in our audience, we ask that you give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. We have some telephone calls here to share with you today. Brian Fernandez, our helpful associate producer on the ones and twos.

Hopefully this is going to work. Press play, Brian. JJ Go. Momentous occasion. I was just driving downtown listening to my bim bam. I had already plowed through the JJ go episode which always comes first and I saw a gentleman riding a bicycle uh we'll start from the top down he had a hunchback either that or the worst case of scoliosis those two may be the same things. But there was almost like a 90-degree angle out of his back.

And then, of course, he was wearing one of those utility, which is just a nice way of saying he was wearing a skirt. But it had a slit in it, and so as he turned towards me, it fell open and revealed his balls that were also hanging out of his very loose boxers. So, Scoliosis Kilt Balls, downtown Portland. Boo, boo, boo,

boo, boo. There are a few things on earth that I am more against, and I apologize in advance. There's no other way to say this. Nerds. There are a few things on earth that I am more against than the utility kilt. is it is like you took the nerd fedora and pushed it to a scale of 10,000. It is just a fucking,

oh, it's just like, look what an asshole I can be. That's what it's saying. And not regular kilts. Look, if you are a Scottish person and I've've had this, when I last proclaimed this opinion, which I hold very strongly on this program, some whiny bitches emailed me. And by bitches, I mean gentlemen that are for some reason.

Oh, I'm so upset right now. I understand. Oh, wow. Talk it out. Okay. If you are a Scottish person, then it is a thousand percent appropriate for you to wear a kilt. I say go to fucking town. What if you're in Slayer? Or Guns N' Roses. Or Gun Guns and Roses or Guns and Roses

like a metal band yeah I mean if you're in a thing where it's appropriate for you to wear a ridiculous costume such as a metal band then yes

everyone in a metal band is expected to wear something ridiculous so yes if you are in I mean look that's like saying, I don't think, like, that's like if I was saying, I don't think men should walk around in a diaper. And then, and only a diaper. And then you said, oh, what about Gary Scheider, the lead guitarist for Parliament Funkadelic? You know?

He can wear a diaper. Yeah, of course he can. He's in fucking Parliament Funkadelic. He can wear anything he wants. If of course he can. He's in fucking Parliament Funkadelic. He can wear anything he wants. If you're in Slayer, you can wear anything you want. That's the whole point of being in Slayer than in rocking out. Okay. Oh, one of the guys from Slayer wears hockey jerseys when he plays.

And I had to do an interview thing with them once. And we were in their backstage area. And, you know, like a cartoon character when they open their closet, they just have a row of their one outfit. Yes. This guy totally had a row of identical hockey jerseys. It's so funny. Like, I guess the idea is that like, fuck it, I just show up and play the show in my hot. No, that is a handpick.

Like that is a very specific hockey jersey. And they have like a crate that they move the hockey jerseys. I've been to Kevin Smith's house. You know what that's like. So if you are a fucking Scotsman and you're wearing a kilt and you got on some ghillie brogues to bring it back to footwear you're in a fucking highland games you're tossing a caper taper or a caper tapers are endangered jesse we shouldn't be tossing whatever the fuck you're tossing in your highland games go to town god you. Ever be ye merry.

If you're just someone who's looking for a place to put his leather man and he wants to upset the squares, look at how weird I am. Go shove it up your rear. All right. Better or worse, I'm going to give you two other examples. Okay. Put the kilt in these three examples. Okay. The Zach Galifianakis beard and the oversized tribal ear piercing. Okay. So I'm supposed to rank these?

And that's excluding Zach, by the way. I'm supposed to rank these by? Worse or better than the kilt. Okay. Number one is definitely beard. That's easy. That's an easy call for me. Worst.

No, number one best. Oh. Yeah. I'm fine with beards. I don't want a gross beard. I'm talking about the gross beard. I'm talking about the blown out. I don't mind a giant beard.

Okay. I just don't want it to be stringy and nasty. I think Zach's beard usually looks pretty good. And I think that... What about a braided beard? Also relates to being in Slayer. That's where you're

starting to... You also have a utilikilt in that if you've braided your beard you also own at least one utilikilt. I am... If you're talking about this kind of beard that a guy who can't quite – that a nerd, again. And I'm not – the Venn diagram of nerd and Jesse have a significant overlap. You know what I mean? No, I'm going – I'm talking about hipster. Yeah. So if someone can grow a full, decent beard

and they keep it clean and groomed, whether it's groomed as a large beard or a small beard, I have no beef with it. No beef at all. I like beards. Greg, you seem like you maybe consider the beard to be, are you offended by the giant beard? I'm offended by people who just parrot fashion, thinking that they are edgy, thinking that they, like you said, showing up and shaking up the man with their big beard. And it's like, no, that's just exactly what Zach did. And he was the first guy to do it. It was kind of original. It's his thing. got to do it. It was kind of original and it's his thing. And now you are doing things that you read in a magazine, New York magazine, about how to look good in Williamsburg.

Are you okay with me going on a vacation to Catalina because I read about it in L.A. magazine? Not okay with that at all. Okay. I will not be going to Catalina. You're just doing that because you heard Zach Galifianakis went on a vacation to Catalina. I mean, he's great, right? The hangover? Come on, guys. Is this hotel pager friendly? Here's the thing. I mean, the honest truth is that I have wanted to have a beard since I was probably a sophomore in college.

I say sophomore in college. I mean, this was definitely, you know, that was probably about the dawn of it's cool to have a beard. I wouldn't put myself ahead of it being cool to have a beard or outside of it being cool to have a beard. I mean, certainly ahead of the sort of broad middle of it being cool to have a beard. But I wasn't like, I didn't invent it or anything. But I think I would look nice with a beard. I like beards in general. I have no beef with beards or with, I'm fine with beards. Yeah.

Number two. Some might call Teresa a beard. Holds. Teresa's his wife. That's my wife. I was making a joke about Jesse being gay. That's funny. It's totally okay to be gay.

It's great to be gay. Even though you do have John Waters mustache. Not right now, but often. Number two is I'm putting holes in the ears. Holes in the ears. Holes in the ears. I want to put my arm around someone've read a lot of things and heard a lot of people talking about, like, how will we remember the 90s? I think people talk about it as being this kind of stylish, stylus decade. Like, oh, when you think about 80s clothes, like, you know, you know, if someone was throwing an 80s party, you know what zippers on your clothes. Yeah. Someone was throwing a 70s party. You would know what to wear. Like in the 90s, what is it?

What's the music? What's the clothes? But I feel like I've watched both Reality Bites and Chasing Amy recently on Netflix. And the self-parodic style of that is just so pronounced to me. Like it seems like, no, that upon reflection, that style was so crazy. And, yeah, it goes with, like, crazy piercings. Like, that's absolutely something. And, yeah, all the flannel and the weird stuff like that. Anyway, continue.

But, I mean, on the other hand, I also like beards. I think as a native San Franciscan, I associate to some extent both holes in the ears and beards with friendly bears, gay guys. And that's like one of my favorite cultural groups is a nice bear that wants to be your friend. Greatest. Yeah. It's like one of the top cultural groups. They know where all the good honeycombs are. Well, and you can be-

They're in the honeycomb hideout. Yeah, yeah, sure. If you're with a really good-looking gay guy- I don't know where that is. You got to ask a bear. Like, say, Jordan, you're in a yoga class. Sure. If you're with a really good-looking gay guy, there's something that feels scary because

you might get attracted to that, but a big gay guy, a big, puffy, fat, bearded. No question. It's not going to confuse your identity at all. Nope. Not going to confuse you. And also. You will never accidentally suck his dick. And also just.

In yoga, you could accidentally suck your own dick. Yeah, sure. If halfway through that class there was a dick in my mouth, I probably wouldn't know it until I was halfway home. So you finished the class. Yeah, sure. If halfway through that class there was a dick in my mouth, I probably wouldn't know it until I was halfway home. So you finished the class. Yeah, right. Halfway through you had a dick in your mouth and you finished. And also, why am I walking home with this dick in my mouth?

Culturally, a nice bear guy might even be into some shit that I'm into. Like, I might be talking to a nice bear guy. He might even like sports. You know? Like, he might be into well, I mean, pretty much any gay guy that I'm talking to might be into basically

any of my other interests in life besides sports. Because metrosexual and homosexual, there is some overlap there. Yeah. And so, you know, anyway. So number two, I'm putting holes in the ears. Number three is definitely utility kilt. Got it.

Because utility kilt is the territory of just the worst kind of look how weird I am. Just that is the worst quality. As someone who. That's kind of left over from rave stuff, isn't it? No. It's like what a theater tech nerd wears. They go to raves though, right? Theater tech nerds go to raves?

Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, they probably do. They probably go to like a though, right? Theater tech nerds go to raves? Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, they probably do. They probably go to like a Skrillex rave. They get there early and set it up and then enjoy it. Yeah. I mean, it's really, it's just, and the whole, because the point of wearing the utility kilt is so that they can be like, I'm wearing a utility kilt for these reasons. And they're all going to email me about all the fucking reasons that they wear it. Like it's so comfortable and it has all these pockets.

It's so practical. Yeah, it gets existential. Like, well, why do you wear pants? I mean, why do you have, you know. Because everyone else does. That's the difference between a nerd and not a nerd is that some things you do because of societal conventions. Yes. So you can relate to others. Now, when you wear the utility kilt, you're going to the party knowing, first order of business, small talk about my utility kilt.

Yeah. First order of business, alienate those around me. I have made this my priority. Yes. I want to thin the herd out to me. Yeah. And then contact juggling. Yeah.

Okay. Next call, please, Brian. Next call, please. Can I just make one comment on that comment? Okay, fine. He complained that the guy on the bike was a hunchback. Aren't we all hunchbacks when we ride a bike? That's a good point.

Yeah, how do you tell? It's a tough one. It's like that guy, that pogo sticker. This guy is. I guess if you're riding like an old time bike, you're sitting up straight. Yeah, I think this guy only rides recumbent bikes, the guy who called in. Sure. And so his deal is, yeah, he only rides a recumbent.

You know how it is. Because a unicycle, you'd fall right over. Yeah. Hey, guys. It's Bill in Atlanta. I'm calling with a recumbent. You know how it is. Because a unicycle, you'd fall right over. Yeah. Hey, guys. It's Bill in Atlanta. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I work for a company, and I'm in the IT department. And I needed a test user to set up a while back, so I entered in Chip Dipson.

And so Chip's got an email address. He's got a phone extension here as well as a voicemail account. So last year or so, we started getting just inundated with a number of people trying to sell us stuff. And so we decided to route any calls that were from the outside to Chip's extension. I even changed the voicemail so that it would say that Chip was our purchasing agent. And it was surprising to see how many people began to call and ask for Chip, Chip Dipson, at our place. And today I got an unsolicited note, actually not from me, but it was given to Chip asking that they could reach out,

and they gave us their business card and a nice little handwritten note, and it was all written to Chip, not me. So great day. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Oh, this thing is tremendous. I posted this. I posted this picture.

He Instagrammed the handwritten note addressed to Chip Dipson. Greg, for you, Chip Dipson is a funny name that I thought of with a friend of mine. Yeah, that we have been trying to promote in popular culture. He has a friend named Dip Dobson. It's no Grapefruit Simmons. No, well, I'm being real here. But Chip, it is the most, it is like a thoughtful, handwritten, on stationary sales note. And just at the top it says, you know, hey Chip.

And it's a, you know, he photographed the envelope. Oh, it's gorgeous. I put it on my Tumblr. That's great. jessithorn.tumblr.com. Oh, it made me so happy to see this thing. Just God bless. God bless them. So it sounds like if I ever wanted to fake my death and start over, maybe I could go to this guy's office and just start working as Chip Dixon.

I mean, it seems like there's already precedent for him, you know, in the world. Just whatever Chip Dixon is supposed to be doing, I could just take over. Yeah, absolutely. You could be like a Nazi in Argentina. You could- Exactly. Yes. You could probably live off of sales samples from salesmen that were sending stuff to Chip

Dixon and free lunches from salesmen that you were claiming that you were listening to their pitches. It's essentially a no-show job that you show up to. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I wonder what kind of tail Chip Dixon's pulling down. That's probably pretty good. Let's hear the next call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Mike from New York with Momentous Occasion. I just saw a man in a wheelchair. His legs were cut off below the knee. Get out of the wheelchair. Carry the wheelchair over his head as he walked on his stumps up the subway stairs faster than most average New Yorkers climb the subway stairs.

So more powerful than ever. Keep up the good work. It was amazing. Bye. That's what they call fucking independent living, my friend, Jordan. That's right. That is badass. That guy's badass.

That reminds me like when you see a car and it's got the canoe upside down on the roof. Yeah. That's what that guy is walking up those subway stairs with the wheelchair upside down. Yeah, absolutely. He's an upside down canoe? He's going on a trip. He can go water. He can go land.

He's fucking all terrain. Yeah, up hills. That dude knows. God, that is so badass. And he rides the subway. Walks, rolls, rides the subway. I've talked about, I think I've talked about my dad's friend Ed on this show before. But my dad's best friend, who's sadly now passed away, was this guy called Ed.

And Ed was – his whole life was – he was one of the great actually leaders of the independent living movement, the disability rights movement. And Ed was – Ed had like polio as a five-year-old or whatever. He got polio. He was like one of the last people to get polio. It was really sad. And he was paralyzed basically from the neck down except for one and a half fingers. He could sort of move one finger and he could move one finger pretty good. And he would use his finger to,

uh, to pilot his electric wheelchair. And he had to breathe on a breathing machine, but he could, you know, talk and do stuff with his head, you know? Um, and Ed was, the thing about Ed was like, he was the reason that he became a leader in the independent living movement is he did not take any shit from fucking anyone ever. Like he he basically started the disability rights movement because he he and his mom wanted him to go to college. But because he had to sleep in an iron lung, he couldn't he couldn't go to Berkeley because they didn't have a dorm. He got into Berkeley, but he couldn't go to Berkeley because they didn't have a dorm that could accommodate him. And so he sued and got them to basically turn a part of the hospital on campus or turn one of the dorms into a hospital, turn one of the hospitals into a dorm, one or the other,

so that people with disabilities could live on campus and go to college basically and so he went to college but what was funny about him was ed was like you know i mean he was very cantankerous i think would be a generous way of saying it and fucking ed has a huge electric wheelchair right and he would get in fights with people, but he couldn't move, you know? Like, he couldn't. So he would just run people over with his wheelchair. Like, he would be chasing people in his wheelchair and running over their feet and shit and, like, yelling at them. That's great. It was so awesome.

God. And you don't know what to do because what are you going to do, beat up his finger? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess if you don't have any feeling anywhere. And are you going to do, beat up his finger? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess if you don't have any feeling anywhere. And he's like, get back here, fucking asshole. Yeah, exactly. He could take a bunch. He's a big dude who had no feeling.

Probably get shot in theory, right? Oh, my God. That's great. Was that our last call? We got one more call. Okay, let's hear this last call. Did you ever see Rollerball where the people in wheelchairs actually compete in? Oh, Murderball.

No, I haven't seen it, though. Oh, man. Rollerball is an LL Cool J movie about a futuristic roller hockey league. LL Cool J. That guy's a real inspiration. Oh, they updated Rollerball. Yeah. There's an update of Rollerball.

I have only seen the LL Cool J version a real inspiration. Oh, they updated Rollerball. Yeah. There's an update of Rollerball. I have not seen it. I've only seen the LL Cool J version. Youngster. Hey, JJ Go. This is Yosef from Brooklyn. I work in the construction industry, and I was looking through a manual that had all the different types of construction equipment and how much they cost. And I stumbled upon something that said, butt fusion machine. I have no idea what that is.

In case you're wondering, it said comma and electric. So apparently there's something as an electric butt fusion machine. Thanks. Love the show. Bye. Is that like cold fusion where maybe there's some sort of solution to the world's energy crisis? I think it just glues together the two halves of your butt. Oh, they fuse.

It fuses the butt. It fuses the two parts of your butt using You don't think it's a... Using electricity. For people who are done with pooping. I'm just done. I've done it so many times and I just... Done with pooping. Well, I mean, I guess if you're in prison and you're worried about anal rape, you might want your butt cheeks fused.

Yeah. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Hooray. I watched America's Funniest Videos when I was, and the woman was spackling, and she was bent over, and her crack was out, and her husband spackled her butt crack. Oh, great.

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen in America's Funniest Videos. Totally. Yeah. It was butt fusing. Yeah. No, my only- But yeah, I mean, I guess that begs the question, why do we need all this expensive machinery? I mean, we're just slaves to the butt fusion industrial complex at this point.

The only thing that... Do it yourself. Get some caulk. The only thing that I don't like about America's Funniest Home Videos is that they add the little voices and stuff. If America's Funniest Home Videos was just the stuff that happens

on America's Funniest Home Videos, it would be my favorite show. I think as it is now, I don't think they have cute voiceover anymore. Really? I think the dude who does it now. Tom Bergeron. Yeah. They no longer do the voiceovers.

I think he does. They do silly music. There's silly music. I don't care with that. And they definitely amplify like a head hitting a tree. They throw a little extra. Yeah, well, that's fine with me. Yeah.

Yeah, he'll give a little intro to it. He's more dignified than Bob Saget was. Yeah, he just does a little, like, and he'll do, like, a little pun before it. It's like, you know, here's one speedboat that's all wet, and then you'll see a speedboat crash. Yeah, yeah. I have one more piece of important listener news. Annie and Ted have emailed me me i'm not going to give their last names because i don't want them to get their law licenses revoked but they are actual

lawyers from the great state of kentucky annie and ted have emailed me claiming that is their belief that with their help they can can make me a Kentucky Colonel. Wow. Ted apparently already is a Kentucky Colonel. What's the criteria? I have to write a letter declaring why I want to become a Kentucky Colonel. Okay. Why do you want to, in short, I mean, other than it's cool, but I mean, I don't think

that's acceptable, right? Well, I'm going to have to brainstorm some reasons. I mean, it's it's cool, but I mean, I don't think that's acceptable, right? Well, I'm going to have to brainstorm some reasons. I mean, it's a great state. Sure. I'm excited that Bullseye is on the radio in Louisville. Okay. Yep. Maybe that's your end.

Segregation is fun. Alive and well. No. Kentucky. No, no, no. There's a million reasons. It's a beautiful state. Yes, it is. I hope to visit it one day

Well as a colonel You have to You probably have to look forward to it It's like running for governor You have to have residency there I'm responsible for defending The governor of Kentucky Oh

Is that something you're prepared to do? Yes or at the bare minimum, I'm prepared to avoid the governor of Kentucky. Yes. So the circumstances don't present themselves.

You're not going to hurt him. No. Well, certainly I would never hurt him. You mean him no harm. I love the great state of Kentucky. You might have read

my letter about it that's upcoming. I was just in Louisville. It's a great city. I'm really really excited about this is like the most i i know that it sounded like look when this came up before we were talking about bill cosby's doctorate and just how i john's uh Elton John's knighthood. Yeah. And how I wanted to become a Kentucky Cardinal. This would be probably, no, I'm going to say definitely the greatest honor of my professional career. If we could make this happen. If me and Annie and Ted working together.

Is there some sort of statuette that you get to fuck? Bucket of chicken. Yeah, you get a bucket of chicken. Just jam your dick in some coleslaw. Jam it in the slaw. Yeah, it's a nice deep bucket of slaw. Have you, maybe baby steps, have you considered becoming an Oscar-minor wiener? Well, then everyone would be in love with you.

And that's a fun side effect. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love sense, have you ever listened to Phil Hendry? Yeah, sure. You're going to hear both of them during this segment. Oh, wow. And Greg is going to talk to Grapefruit. Maybe argue. Who knows? Yeah, I mean, it could sound something like, stop, Greg.

Stop talking. Grapefruit, this is, I'm going to work on the voices. Wow. I'm going to work on the voices. Got to work on the voices and the corn pone wisdom. That's two things. That's two things I would recommend you work on. All right, hang on.

If I could recommend you work on two things. Yeah. Number one, voices, differentiating between the voices. Second, corn pone wisdom. Corn pone wisdom. Mm-hmm. Bring a little Prairie Home Companion to it. Sure.

I wouldn't recommend that. I wouldn't go that far. You don't want me to? A little hee-haw. A little hee-haw Home Companion to it. Sure. I wouldn't recommend that. I wouldn't go that far. You don't want me to? A little hee-haw. A little hee-haw. Yeah. Got it. Yeah.

That's exactly what we're talking about. All right. Give me a second. You guys go on. I'm going to catch up. Okay. Great. Sponsors this week.

First of all, our friends at Ask Metafilter. Ask.Metafilter.com. Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. One good question would be, what is some of the most corn pone wisdom? Which wisdom is the most corn pone? Which wisdom is the most corn pone? Well, Greg, you know, if you don't walk the dog, he's going to poop on the rug. Grapefruit. Wait a rug. Grapefruit.

Wait a minute. Grapefruit, how'd you get in here? It was only the three of us. You, me, and Greg. Jordan, me, and Greg. And now Grapefruit Simmons is in here. Well, sometimes if you leave the window open, a grapefruit comes in. Hey!

And at your shows, you'll say, if you leave the window open sometimes, a grapefruit comes in. And after the show I'll be signing your citrus. Grapefruit, that's enough self-promotion. Online at ask.metafilter.com our other sponsor this week of course Comedy Bang Bang Friday nights at 10 on IFC starting June 8th with the hilarious Miss Amy

Poehler maybe you've heard of her and of course our friend Scott Aukerman the hilarious Reggie Watts it looks like a talk show it isn't quite it's based on the hit podcast I think it's a delight i've watched several episodes i have too it is funny this is a very funny show a lot of crazy stuff going on on it i'm really i'm really happy that ifc is doing such wonderful stuff i'm really happy they're

sponsoring our shows because i'm a big fan absolutely um so yeah ifc friday nights 10 o'clock we'll be back uh nothing on. Nothing on the Jumbotron this week. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Get up on there. Yeah. Come on. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

It's like the number one way to communicate in the 21st century, I would argue. It's arguable. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan and Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Grapefruit Simmons.

And Greg Fitzsimmons. Wow. Four of us on the show now. It's a full house in here. Yeah. Well, Greg, it's been wonderful to have you on the show. Grapefruit, it was a delightful surprise that you stopped by. I think he was really talking to me, Greg.

Listen, Grapefruit, we're both here. Can't we just be friends? You guys are fantastic. And Grapefruit, thank you for bringing over some of your mom's famous stuffing. It was great. Well, you know what mom always says, if you don't stuff it, you might- You gotta lose it. I thought we were all going to try and finish the corn pone wisdom.

Try and finish that corn pone wisdom. If you ain't stuff it, you're going to lose it. You know, the thing is, is I usually keep my little red book of corn pone wisdom in my back pocket. But I lost it when I was doing my calisthenics this morning. I think your corn pone wisdom is actually Mao's. Sayings? Well, yeah, his hypnosis signals. Oh.

Gosh, I guess that just simply hadn't occurred to me. Yeah. It simply had not occurred to me, Jordan. I always said bureaucrats are paper tigers. My mom should put the pie to cool on the sill and should say bureaucrats are paper tigers. Hey, I want to mention, before we wrap this thing up, I want to mention we have been doing a lot of really cool stuff on Bullseye lately. And we have been doing a lot of really cool stuff on Bullseye lately. And I want to say this past week we had an episode with R.A. Dickey, starting pitcher for the New York Metropolitans.

Maybe you've heard of them, a baseball club out of Queens, New York City. And he has such an amazing life story. He was, among other things, like this is basically I'm going to give you the broadest outlines of it. And I don't mean to sound glib because some of it is terrifying. But, you know, he grew up he grew up with a sort of absent father, mostly absent father, alcoholic mother. absent father, alcoholic mother. He was sexually abused as a child, spent his high school years often sleeping in, letting himself into and sleeping in vacant apartments that were for rent. Like he would like look up in the newspaper, vacant apartments. And because of where he lived, there would always be a key under the mat or whatever. And he had a home, but he would just rather sleep there. But he became a star baseball player, made it through his junior year of college, was a superstar in college, played for the US Olympic team, won a medal in the Olympics,

got an $800,000 bonus offer to sign with the Texas Rangers. Went to his medical exam. Found out he did not have a stabilizing ligament in his elbow that the doctor said meant that he should not be able to open a door using the doorknob. The Rangers canceled his contract offer of eight hundred thousand dollars and then out of pity offered him eighteen thousand dollars um anyway he spent 10 years basically in the minor leagues until he was in his 30s made it to the majors for bits and pieces of four or five seasons was terrible basically in the majors i didn't pieces of four or five seasons was terrible, basically, in the majors. I didn't say that to him. I said marginal.

But he was a lousy major league pitcher, pretty good minor league pitcher. Almost died trying to prove he could swim across the Missouri River because he was depressed and crazed. And then decided to become a full-time knuckleball pitcher. Turned his life around. and then decided to become a full-time knuckleball pitcher, turned his life around, and now in his late 30s is a superstar. Well, star. He's a star pitcher for the Mets. And because he's a knuckleball pitcher, I mean, he could pitch until he's 55 probably if he wants to.

And he is the sweetest, like fascinating guy, a really brilliant guy. He also names all of his bats after swords from famous epic tales. So one of his bats is named Frunting, which apparently is not Gilgamesh's sword. One of those guys. is not Gilgamesh's sword, but what's the middle English? Beowulf. Beowulf. It's Beowulf's sword. Beowulf's sword.

So one of his bats is named Hrunting. The other one is named after Bilbo Baggins' sword. Wow. Anyway, the guy is- You know what they say? If you don't want to sleep in the hall, throw a knuckleball. Oh, grapefruit. Oh, grapefruit. Cut it out, grapefruit. That sounded like a hardcore story.

Anyway, I hope people will take a listen to that and just check out Bullseye if you're not already a Bullseye listener. And check out Greg's show, FitzDog Radio. Available on iTunes and FitzDog.com for all of the details. Yeah, you had or are having a kind of a world's greatest podcaster week.

Is that past? From which there is a glaring omission. Yeah, we just had on Mark Maron and Joe Rogan and Adam Carolla, Chris Hardwick, all in a very short period of time. And where's Jimmy Pardo? Yep.

That's the question. Never not on my Titans of Podcasting, apparently. It was an accident. I didn't plan it out that way because I certainly don't want to say that these are the best of the best. It was just like they're all friends and they happen to end up at the same time. But people seem to like respond to it. So what I want to do is have an event where we all go together and do a cross-pollination, like a speed dating. We each do interviews with each other over an afternoon and then put out our podcast.

That sounds fun. Would you do that? Yeah, we're in. Will we have little chess clocks to hit? That's a good idea. Yeah. I like that. Those are good.

You're going to wrap it up. Yeah. Okay. We're on board. If there's chess clocks. Yeah. We'll get Matt and Jimmy in there, too. Really?

Yeah, absolutely. That's great. Yeah. It's on. We're in the big leagues now, Jordan. Finally. We just emotionally blackmailed our way into the big leagues with Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, Greg, thank you much.

206-984-4FUN. Our telephone number, jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. Our email address, find us online at MaximumFun.org. Comment in the forums at forum.maximumfun.org. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.