Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 227: Modern Pentathlon with Dan Gregor

Episode Date: June 11, 2012

Dan Gregor joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of youth fishing, Heathcliff, business cards, and the London Olympics.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, we're joined by comedy writer Dan Greger.

And we talk about how horrible Heathcliff is, among other things. The Olympics comes up. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A beautiful day in Los Angeles. A beautiful day, if I might say, for a youth fishing competition. Currently going on outside the Maximum Fun offices, the Junior Anglers, is that what they're called? I think they're called that. Let's bring our guest into this. Yes.

Because who knows more about fishing our guest dan gregor uh accomplished improviser uh writer for the hit television program how i met your mother uh dan welcome to the show you emphasize that uh incorrectly it's um did i how i met your mother gotcha sorry my apologies dan welcome to the program it's a joy to have you uh thanks for having me uh pleasure to be here we had a. We had a really, really great record with your co-worker, Tammy Sager. Oh, did Tammy come in here? So the bar is high for the writing staff of How I Met Your Mother. Yeah, it was like an all-time great episode with Tammy Sager.

I can't tell if you guys – she's very funny, but I can't tell if you guys are – No, we're being earnest. Totally earnest. Totally earnest. We basically want to marry Tammy Sager now. Okay. Hey, guys, get on it. The two of you and her would make a beautiful couple.

Thank you very much, Dan. Okay. The children. Outside of our offices here on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles, at this moment, there are three things going on in MacArthur Park, which is right next door to our office. One is some kind of taiko drumming performance. I mean, that's always going on. But, I mean, you've got to figure. It's the rhythm of the city.

Yeah. El ritmo del ciudad. Yeah, exactly. So, yes, absolutely. Taiko drumming competition. Okay, so it's, I mean, I only heard the percussion. So, yes, absolutely. Tycho drumming competition. Okay, so it's – I mean, I only heard the percussion. It's Tycho and not White Dreadlock Drum Circle.

I don't think it's a White Dreadlock Drum Circle. No, this is not a White Dreadlock Drum Circle kind of park. We don't have any White Dreadlock people here. Okay. I just maybe thought that they would – I mean, I know this is not the place that they would live, but I thought maybe they would all flock to a park or something. Maybe they'd come down here to this nice place. It's a beautiful park. You could probably buy a rain stick around here, to be fair. Possibly.

That's cross-cultural. Yeah, yeah. You can get a nice fresh squeezed orange juice, too. Right. There's a lot of different stuff you can buy. Everyone likes that. Someone offered to sell me a fake ID the other day. They don't need that.

They're like, you look a little young. Are you getting carded? Yeah, you look like a 16-year- day. They don't need that. They're like, you look a little young. Are you getting carded? Yeah, you look like a 16-year-old who wants to buy some beer. The world's baldest 16-year-old. And you had you. Non-chemotherapy division. Sorry for that. Sorry, leukemias.

Okay, so number one, taiko drumming event. And just to ask, taiko drumming, now is that like steel drumming? No, this is big wooden Japanese drums. Oh, okay. That's what that is. Okay. Unless, I mean, the other possibility is that there is a, because I couldn't see what was happening. It's possible there's a Korean equivalent of taiko drumming.

Yes. Don't jump to conclusions about what type of drums are in the. That has more kimchi, right? That's the difference? Are those the drums? They bury it in a clay pot. Oh, okay. Let the drums ferment.

Okay, so that's number one. Okay, that just got me moving around the street. That got me moving fast and the shirtless man drunk screaming. Was he screaming in rhythm to the drums uh nope i wish he was was it just seal it was might have been might have been very very well good in good shape for a homeless drunk guy yeah when homeless drunk people are in good shape it always freaks me out i agree i agree because that means it's like it's sort of like prison workout regimen where it's like i got nothing to do but work out. Yeah.

What do you, how do you, I guess, how do you work out when you're on this, just like push-ups? Push-ups, sit-ups. I mean, you know, your own body weight. Old fashioned. Yeah, yeah. Saber metrics. It's the Ricky Henderson workout. Sit-ups and push-ups. Sure.

Nothing unnatural. Exactly. Okay. So number one, this, what I presume to be taiko drumming, although if there is a Korean equivalent, there are a lot more Koreans than there are Japanese in the area. So one of you Korean listeners. If it is the Japanese drumming, that's just him taunting the Koreans to come and get me. Yes. Preying on.

And then there's also a Chinese drummer over there. They're basically reenacting the horrors of World War II through the medium of drumming. Okay, so that's number one. Number two, the youth angling competition. This I'm most excited about. So there are at least 50 children

outside of our office right now surrounding a big man-made lake. Are there fish in that lake? Yes, there are. It's not just a fuck you to children. Oh, no, there's abandoned alligators. The event is put on by the Nihilists Committee to teach the children about how futile life is. Yeah, that would be a serious league.

That would be some dark shit. So the kids fish for six hours. They catch nothing. And then the leader of the Nihilist Society, their chairman, just comes up to the mic and says, All right, kids, there's no God. Fuck off. And then they make him take the bus home. Right.

Well, you got to kick them in the nards first. Where did my parents go? They left already. Do we at least get the pizza party? There was never any pizza. Yeah, but it's anchovy pizza. Okay, so that's anchovy pizza. Oh. Okay, so that's number two.

Okay. Number three, a sword fight. Yes. Like, were they real swords or were they, like, wooden swords, like on Game of Thrones when Arya is learning to sword fight? Yes. Yes, it is that. Oh, you don't watch the show?

No, I'm on board with you with that Spanish guy that seems like he should be Inigo Montoya, but isn't. Yeah, exactly. Almost like a parody of that character, Inigo Montoya. I was surprised. Is that guy not going to be on the show anymore? Oh, did he? Guys, I'm only five episodes.

Nah, it's fine. Spoiler alert. I'm assuming, I'm assuming, here's my- They don't all make it. Oh, no. Yes, they don't all make it out of this war-torn medieval fuck-fuck dungeon alive. I'm like kind of five episodes in the Game of Thrones.

I'm doing it on the DVDs. But you have met that character. I have met that character, yes. He's a pretty cool guy, right? He seems great. And I hope he never dies, guys. Yeah, well, keep your fingers crossed. I will. Hey, by the way, we're holding a fishing competition downstairs. So there are like 50 child anglers.

And they are all different. I mean, we're talking about 6-year-old anglers, 8-year-old anglers, 11-year-old anglers. I'm not good at fishing, so I would never join that group. That's good. That's why you have such an optimistic outlook. Here's what I wonder about child anglers and I guess maybe more about teen anglers. We've all always

wondered. Right. Where does angler fall in the class system of high school? Specifically in regards to pussy. Uh-huh. Oh. That can't be high. Although I will say,

you know what, I'll bet that in certain sort of like, I'll bet in like Malibu, you're doing okay if you're... Okay. You got a little fishing club

in your high school. Sure. You're not so low on the totem pole because you're probably going out on like a nice boat. Yeah, it's really... Right, your dad.

Your dad has a... Yeah, sure. Right. Here's the thing. But if you're in the MacArthur Park Fishing Club, maybe it's a little bit lower on the social strata. That might be a sign that your parents didn't bring home dinner. Right, exactly. My brother was really into fishing in high school.

He may still be into fishing. I'm not entirely sure. I haven't talked to him about it recently. But we grew up, I mean, I grew, until he was, until I went away to college,

which is when he was about 10, we lived in the Mission, you know, the central, you know, borderline inner city San Francisco. Is this one of those situations

where he was into it as a kid and you haven't asked him about it but you just get him lures every Christmas? He's like, I haven't been into this for six years. No, I get him Thomas the Tank Engine stuff, something I know he's still into. Oh, good. No one grows out of that.

Timeless. But I mean, it's Thomas the Tank Engine porno. Oh, okay. Oh, right. The name of his dick is the tank. So my brother, but my brother did not go to high school. What? Where'd your brother go?

My brother, when he was- Into the woods. At the fish. When my brother was 13, he took the CHESPE, the California High School Proficiency Exam. Didn't Justin Timberlake host those one year? You know, he's really funny. He is really funny. I mean, just real.

He will put on an outfit, do a dance. Yeah, he'll even do a little voice. And it's really funny because you know him as one thing, but you're surprised that he's doing a different thing. Doesn't take himself too seriously. I think he should definitely star in movies. I could see him in some sort of romantic comedy vehicle. Yeah, totally. He seems just like an everyday guy, you know? But with great abs.

Super good abs. So my brother took the high school proficiency exam and then he went to this anarchist free school for a while when he was high school age with my youngest brother, who's another six or seven years younger than he is.

But mostly he did not go to school during high school years. How did you get the shaft of having to go to high school? I don't know if I really got the shaft. It seems it's, I mean, as much as- You aren't that good at fishing, though. That's probably what it was. To be frank, my parents had him, my father and stepmother had him take the Chesapeake specifically because they needed him bringing home fish. You've got to do something to support the family.

But he would take the BART train, the subway in San Francisco, the regional subway, all the way out to its furthest stop in Concord or Richmond, California, something like that. Yeah. And then he would go to some weird like a reservoir or something to do his fishing. It would bring his. I mean, it's like an hour and a half and you have to get on the first BART train in order to do this. So he'd get on the first BART train at 420 in the morning or whatever. This is a teenager and go out there and fish. With fishing gear. Yeah, he'd bring home fish. And then he'd come back on the morning or whatever. This is a teenager. And go out there and fish.

With fishing gear. Yeah, he'd bring home fish. And then he'd come back on the train with fish. I was going to say maybe that was just his cover for doing something else. But if he brought home fish, I think that's, at least that's a really, like he's being very thorough with his lines. But I mean, like that's just him like, all right, Mom, I'll see you later. He goes off for the day, like fucks a bunch of girls, gets some drugs.

And then like at the deli next to your house, he's like, I'll take three salmon. Like, wow, you found more salmon in that reservoir, huh? Yeah. They just keep coming. I'm just, I know how to cast. But I think it's a lot like wilderness adventures. Okay. So you could have a certain wilderness adventure or charm as a fishing person.

Now, I will say this. I think Dan said something very perceptive when he was addressing specifically the issue of who's fishing in MacArthur Park Lake. In MacArthur Park Lake. Yeah. MacArthur Park here is, it had a reputation in the 1980s and 90s as being nightmarishly dangerous. It is no longer nightmarishly dangerous. It's just dangerous. Yeah, they did that. Regular danger.

They did that Giuliani thing where there's a million cops there and they bust you for anything illegal that you do. So it's not notably dangerous, at least during the day anymore. But the people that go fishing there, this is what you might describe as a disadvantaged neighborhood. You're looking at elderly Filipinos. They can't take that out of their lives. You're looking at Central American war refugees. It's a very narrow— I don't know why that just idea makes me laugh. I shouldn't. It's a very narrow. I don't know why that just idea makes me laugh.

I shouldn't. That's cruel. No, it's horrible. Someone fleeing a death squad in Guatemala. I just need somewhere I can fish. Someone who's trying to get away from the narco traffickers in Colombia. You're just cracking me up. I just need someplace to fish where I can also get some fruta fresca.

So it is a very specific demographic. I just need someplace to fish where I can also get some fruta fresca. So it is a very specific demographic. And from just glancing at the kids down there in the angling competition, I think that these are what you might call urban fisher children. Okay. Which is to say they are the children of the elderly Filipinos. Okay. It's not like an organic green commune deciding, we're going to bring the art of fishing to the inner city. No, it's not that at all.

It is people who fish for cultural reasons. And this weird man-made lake in an old park is the best that they could do location-wise. Yeah. So do you think these kids can parlay this into some sort of early sexual experience? Oh, back to our original question. Yes. There are some shirtless African-American teens that sometimes are fishing out there. Yeah, I'll fuck them.

And I mean, I think they probably do okay. They seem like, you know, they're listening to rap music while they fish. Okay. That does it. You know, classic urban fishing, like in Boys in the Hood. Right, right, sure. Yeah, yeah. Also real John Singleton style fishing.

I mean, I don't know. I think it's got to be like being into trains, right? It's like a weird dad hobby. Yeah, that a kid miraculously gets. Yeah, but when you say it like that, then you've pretty definitively said these kids aren't getting laid. Yeah, I don't think they are, except for the African-American teens. I might see them getting laid. I mean, I might like to see them getting laid in a video.

I like to watch them. Yeah, you know, just kind of pretty Ricky humping up against an Ottoman kind of style. Is that still a thing? Does that still go on? Humping Ottomans? Yeah, Ottoman humping for YouTube purposes. Oh, I don't know. I just can't get enough of it.

Yeah. I mean, it's terrific. So it hasn't stopped for me. Yeah. I mean, just think of those guys having a good ottoman hump and then fishing. It'll stop the day that the last drip drop comes out of the end of year. Yep. Such and such.

It's a trickle of pretty Ricky. But I think if you're not, my guess is, Jordan, that if you're not in, if you're in a, look, I have some cousins who are from Alexandria, Virginia. They, I'm sure that cool kids go fishing in Alexandria, Virginia all the time. Sure. No doubt about that. You know, it's like. I don't think the coolest kids do. I don't know.

Kids with guns. But somehow they're allowed to have a gun. Alexandria, Virginia being more the southern part of Virginia as opposed to the- You're talking about southern country. Oh, okay. As opposed to the D.C. corridor. No, it's a few hours out from D.C. Okay, okay. So I think if you're there-

Yeah, you're right then then fishing could actually be like people like teenagers could hang out and watch the fishing tv show right i mean like if you have a gun i'm gonna bring a gun to a lake and shoot at fish yeah exactly so i think in that case but in our context i think we may literally be looking at people who are fishing for food. I hope they don't eat anything that comes out of that lake. That's terrible. This tastes a lot like discarded guns. Very tinny.

Yeah. Does that, does that, does that, and if you are, if you are a... Well, that's a man-made lake, though. There's no fish that, like, naturally... Right, yeah, so they're not... Someone put a bunch of... Yeah, those fish have been in there for two days. No, I think those fish live there.

You mean, you think someone introduced... That lake has been there, it's a man-made lake, but it's been there for a hundred years. So they introduced the species a hundred years ago and it's just self-populated. It eats algae and discarded Huggy toys. Sure. You know. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll buy that.

Right? And the children that fish in there, their grandfather, who takes care of them, sent them out there to fish for dinner. sent them out there to fish for dinner. I just saw a picture, horrifying picture, of the fountain in Columbus Circle in New York. Two, someone, they just found two boas, boa constrictors in there. Like, enormous snakes just living in the fountain. Had they constricted anyone?

I don't think they had. Maybe they got some birds or something, but there were these enormous snakes just sort of living in the fountain. Wow. They don't know how long they'd been there, but I assume they couldn't have been there that long. Yeah, because a boa, you have to eat a whole pig. It seems like the food that those things need is-

I don't know. They don't need to eat a whole pig. If I remember correctly- Eat a pig like a year. Eat a pig a year. But even so, where do you find that one pig? Right, exactly. I had a family friend who had a boa constrictor named Boa Diddley.

And as I recall, Boa Diddley ate frozen rats. Yeah, there you go. I think there's no shortage of rats in New York City. That's a fun town to live in if you're a snake. Sure. Yeah, it's just. I mean, the bars stay open you're a snake. Sure. Yeah, it's just... I mean, the bars stay open until 4, too. Right, exactly.

You can go out, you can get a rat any time of day. Yeah, it's great. It's really fun. And they're opening up all these cute little pupusarias, and then that's always fun. Those are made with rats. Well, the revueltas are made with rats. Sure, right. Yeah, yeah. Not the queso ones. No, no, that'd be great. Revueltas. It's a mix of cheese and rat.

That would be so culturally insensitive about snake culture. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, I think these people are like they have to steal. Like the kids who are fishing out there may have to steal their clothes. I mean, they probably just sew them together of discarded clothes parts. They probably have, you're right, because they probably have resourceful family members. So their abuelitas...

What's happening to this interview? How did it get so racist? So racist. Hey, there's all different ethnicities of people whose grandma probably sews together two broken clothes into one whole clothes and then sends them out to go fishing in the urban lake. Here's maybe the disconnect with that is that there's a big banner for this thing up. It says Junior Anglers Society.

So this isn't just kids who are out there. It seems to me that if you're going to go on the day for it, these are like joiner kids. No, this is sponsored. Or this is a meeting of the best. Right. Yeah, exactly. This is sponsored by the Parks Department. I, as a child, I lived in a city.

I didn't live in Los Angeles, but I did live in San Francisco. And I lived in a neighborhood with less Koreans, but otherwise a similar ethnic makeup to this one. Yeah. And I participated in numerous events sponsored by the Parks Department. Right. One of the big draws of these events is that when school is out, you can get a school lunch at the Parks Department. All right.

I'll do it. I'll be there. I love free food. Sure. No, you, Dan, you can't. What? You're writing for a network television sitcom. I'm off season right now, and I've become very accustomed to having my lunches catered.

I mean, that's, from what I understand, a big part of being a television writer is having that brought in lunch. It's a big, big part that I don't get my own lunch anymore. You're just signing in, and they say, how old are you, sir? And you say, 13. 13. And they're like, okay. Give me my peanut butter and jelly. You're like, where is craft services?

That's the next question. Where's crafty for this thing? I'll take it. I'm down here already. I will get a free tuna sandwich. But during the summer when school is out, and I say this, again, as someone who participated in many of these activities and who qualified for free school lunches, that you get a certain class of child. Right. Who is there. And I don't mean cultural class.

I mean a certain group. That's not an economic issue. But a certain group of children. Jesse, it's fishing. Grouper. Who are there to, like to scam their way into snacks. Now I can relate with those kids. That red drink that comes in a gallon milk jug.

I can't say I know that drink. You know that drink. The red drink in a milk jug? It's just like a milk jug filled with Kool-Aid. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Someone put Kool-Aid. It also comes in purple

and orange, I think. Yeah, and it costs 29 cents at the grocery store. And no matter how long it's been in the refrigerator, it's always lukewarm. Right. It is always

at room temperature, kind of hot and gross. Yeah. So that stuff, like that is the main goal of getting that drink, the red drink, is the goal of, I'm going to say, I'm going to guess

here, 30% of those kids are there for the red drink. 30% of those kids are there because their elderly Filipino grandfather brought them or equivalent. It could be any ethnicity, but an immigrant grandfather who lived in a place where you fished for your food. Right. And then came to this country and wanted to teach cultural values to their grandchild. And then the rest of them are there just because there's some chicks who just dig fishermen. Right, right.

Exactly. And who will just bone down with anybody. They're just there to get their dicks wet. Sure, yeah. And their lures. Yeah. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This episode of Jordan, Jesse, go brought to you by, number one, of course, ask.metafilter.com. Of course. Oh, who doesn't love ask.metafilter.com. Of course. Oh, who doesn't love ask.metafilter.com? Jerks. You know what? That would be a good question and answer for Ask Metafilter.

Go to askmetafilter.com. That'd be a short thread, though. It would be a short thread. Well, someone would click best answer right away as soon as you typed in jerk. Also, sponsor on this week's episode, Bing. Making search social. Use Bing to include results from both the web at large and also social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. You can pull content from your friends and from the experts.

More online at Bing.com. Bing is for doing. And our friends at IFC, not the Independent Film Channel, IFC, always on slightly off, and the hit show Comedy Bang Bang with our friend Scott Aukerman, a.k.a. Hot Saucerman. It is tough to describe.

It's sort of like a talk show of talk show had almost no actual talk show elements in it. Yeah, the format of the talk show, but it spins off into all kinds of crazy sketches and videos and parodies, and it is a really, really hilarious show. It is as funny as it is tough to describe.

Fridays at 10, 9 Central on IFC. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dan Greger. My nickname is Bullcut. Oh, good to have Bullcut here. Hey, yes. Good to have Bullcut.

What's up, BC? And I just want, like, just so the audience knows, I mean, obviously they heard the first segment with you. They know you're a delight. Yep. I think we are especially delighted just because I think you have been kind of the guest who we've booked the most but who has eluded our grasp the most often. You're our white whale. I'm hard to track down. Hard to pin down.

I'm referring to your ethnicity and weight. I don't know anything else about white whales. Is that a reference to something else? I don't know. I have no idea. You also have a blowhole, right? Oh, yeah. Well, that's my butt.

Oh, okay. It's my butt. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. It's my butt. Don't worry. Yeah, so it's, I mean, it feels like it's a long time coming, and we're excited. I'd say we're approaching six months of trying to get together to do this. And it's been for a lot of weird reasons. I went to Jesse's house to record this, and I had a wonderful conversation with Alison Becker that no one recorded because the equipment wouldn't start working.

And I actually had a very nice evening. Like, I like your house a lot, Jesse. It's a really nice place. Thank you. You weren't even there. Yeah. I was hoping you wouldn't come home and I could just squat there. And yeah, it was good.

I hadn't seen Alison in a little while. How long were you there? A couple days? I don't want to give you the exact number because that would reveal my strengths. That would strengthen my legal case. Yeah. Exactly.

But yeah, here's a topic that I wanted to bring up. I want to maybe get your guys' advice on because you're both real successful guys, and I kind of have a success. That's a good point. And I have a success kind of career question. I'm, you know, Dan. Just take your dick out.

Guys, do you like my dick? As two successful guys who have made names for themselves in the entertainment industry. I have a couple notes. Please. I mean, I'd love, thank you. Okay. And that's a good part. That's something that I pride myself on is I take good notes.

I'm not going to fight you on any of this. I don't want to say that it's veiny, but it's veiny. Okay. Right. He didn't want to say it. He had to. I had to. No, no.

It's something that casting agents will notice. Okay. Okay. So more vein? Less vein. Less vein, yes. Is there like a, is there, I mean, I know women, like when they have varicose veins in their legs can get a treatment. You're going to need a laser treatment.

Yeah. Okay, great. Thoughts on grooming? You know what I was thinking, just to get back to laser treatments. Please, please, sure, sure. Before we get to grooming. Dick lasers. I would say if you can put in some kind of cool logo or insignia while they've got the laser on your dick, like just brand it in there.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Like some just brand it in there. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Like some sort of, you know. Or maybe like a hashtag. Oh, that's a great idea. You know, self-promote yourself for. Sure, yeah. Hashtag J Dick.

Yeah. Now, I do, I have been feeling a little bit self-conscious that in the pubic hair there's so much gum. Right. So I would use the laser on that too. Okay. I would laser out all the hair. I mean, you know, also like what works for that is a scissor.

Okay. Great. No, no, this is good. I need to hear this. I need to hear this. You should put your money towards the- But he's already going to the laser. That's true, but every minute of laser-

Just say- Just ask the dick laser guy, look, if I give you 20 bucks, will you laser off my gum-covered pubic hair? Right. Well, the thing is, the laser, though, might just melt the gum-covered pubic hair? Right. Well, the thing is, the laser, though, might just melt the gum and make it worse. Oh, yeah. It's just a hot light. Boy. Sounds like a real Sophie's Choice.

You're going to have, any time you get a laser down there, you're going to have some scalding. Yeah. You don't want to be down there. Certainly if there's foreign materials. For example, chewing gums. Yeah. Guys, well, thanks for these dick notes. Anyway, you know, like, welcome to the biz.

Yeah. Do you have any other questions? I think i'm ready for my big development meeting i can see something's developing for sure excitement about the meeting yeah um you seem to be blowing a bubble in your pants yeah uh guys i have this new kind of freelance lifestyle and i'm kind of i'm kind of coming up on the end of some pieces of freelance work that I had and just kind of thinking about the future and kind of networking and stuff. I thought it might be a good idea to get business cards. I've never had a business card before. I feel like I've been in a few situations where I've met some kind of interesting people and, you know, what do you do came up and they've said, give me your card. And I've had to say, I don't have a card.

And then I jokingly show them my medical marijuana card. It always gets a laugh, but I don't know if it really conveys an element of professionalism. Right. Yeah. You know, that's probably the epitome of not. OK. I mean, a lot of people are looking for writers with glaucoma. Right.

Nausea. Probably with an appetite. Sure, yeah. Okay. Back pain. I used to always have a business card, and it was helpful. I can't say it was the most important thing in the world, but it was helpful. It was for the small expense of getting them printed up, totally worth it.

Can I say something about business cards? You may. When it comes to business cards, this is my rule. Do not fuck around. You either want to have no business card or you want to have a business card that's going to blow people away. I will completely agree with you. I will say I had a very good business card. At the time, I probably, and now I'm sure many people have done this, but at the time it was, I think, a little more novel.

But the business card was one of those, like, name tags where it was like, hello, my name is. And it was all – like, it was written out to look like an actual, like, you know, name tag. Okay. And that – people always got a kick out of it. Okay. Was that your own design or – Yes. That was your – design? Yes. Okay. That was your – you conceived that.

Yes. Oh, adorable. I recommend that you not do that under any circumstances. I strongly discourage you from – you know what you should do? And I'm going to give out a free plug here on our program to a guy who's helped us out a lot. Dr. Laser Dick. I mean, Doc LD has helped me out in so many different ways. Yeah.

I never would have gotten that Pepsi sponsorship if I didn't have what is now the old Pepsi logo on my desk. Timeless, though. It is timeless. It is timeless in a lot of ways. It reminds us of those days when we used to go out to a vending machine in a desert gas station. Cindy Crawford.

Cindy Crawford. Right there. So there's a longtime Max Fun listener who works at a letter press shop in San Francisco called One Heart Press. And his name is Chad. Okay. And I think you should call One Heart Press. Sure.

Ask for Chad. Tell him your situation. Sure. And he will- Describe my dick. And he will hook you up. Describe my veiny, gum-covered dick. And it'll probably just be a card that just says hashtag JDick.

Yeah, yeah. So that people know where to look for you. But no, in all sincerity, I think that if I was going to recommend one thing, and I have always, even in the olden days of The Sound of Young America, people were impressed by my business cards. Sure. I think the key element of this will address, you're in fucking business. Business card business. And you get it printed on some nice stuff. Nice hearty card stock.

I'm telling you, Chad will hook you up. Okay. But then when you hand it to people, any miscellaneous shit feels like try hard when you just have a simple card that is also beautiful. You know, the fact that it's letterpress printed on really beautiful stock says you're a fucking class act who doesn't need to fuck around with 12 titles and websites and all this different shit on his business card. That's a good idea.

Yeah. I'm kind of, but I mean, your guy sounds great, but there's this great website that'll make them for free, and you can get a planetscape as the background, or like some herons. Kitty cat. A kitty cat. So really, that's probably, I mean, and it's free, so that's better and free. It also shows that you mean business is little kittens that are adorable. Yeah.

You know what? I mean, another way that you could go, just as long as we're spitballing different ideas, is I don't know if you prefer Garfield or Odie, but whichever one. Let me stop you right there. Nermal. Yeah.

Right. So, I mean, I think a Nermal card, if you go to Garfield.biz, which is where you get all your best Garfield business products. Of course, of course. Or I'm going to throw this out there. Garfield.gov? Senator Garfield. If you have a favorite character from U.S. Acres.

Oh, sure. Well, I mean, we all love Orson. Yep. Sure. have a favorite character from us acres oh sure well i mean we all love orson yep sure so go to garfield.biz slash us acres uh i on an unrelated related note i just for whatever reason watched heathcliff i recently watched heathcliff as well i was Wait, is it on Netflix? Is that the wife of you? It is on Netflix. I mean, I was, yeah, I was watching it. I, like, weirdly had a memory that my very first, like, sexual, pre-sexual sexual arousal,

like when you start getting, like, the warm feelings in your pants, but you don't know what to do with them. the warm feelings in your pants, but you don't know what to do with them. I remembered was from Sonia, the sort of round white cat that didn't really have a female form, but I liked her. So you were hard and your internet was down. So I went to go watch it and man, it's terrible. It shocked me. I was blown away.

It blew me when I loaded that thing up on Netflix. Because I had always, in my head, Garfield, in my head, Heathcliff was like a cool, edgy, because he lived in a, Garfield was a junkyard cat. And he sort of wore that Applejack hat. Not like that pampered, privileged Garfield with his lasagna. Garfield was like the lazy man's Heathcliff in my head. Okay, yeah, yeah. And so...

Garfield was the proletariat. Yep, exactly. When I loaded that shit up... And look, I had no illusions about the production quality of children's cartoons of my childhood i wasn't expecting it to be like brilliant but i had seen i have seen like like many people i've seen things on the internet of transformers or gi joe or something else that i saw as a kid and you always

think this does look pretty shitty yep but he Heathcliff is on a whole other fucking scale. It was, what I'll say was most striking was the, like, it seems so nerdy to say, but the sound production was just that. I mean, so egregiously hitting sound effects buttons in bearing,

no relation to the action, just like Garfield walking. And then like, cause there wasn't a laugh or a joke that they wrote into the script. They'd be like, like, it just made no sense. They do one pass and then they'd have the editor juice it. No, I'm not. I'm not.

I wasn't a Heathcliff watcher as a kid. I guess I'm aware that he's kind of rough and tumble. He's he's, you know. He lives in a junkyard. But what kinds of things is Heathcliff doing? This is good news for you, Jordan, because no one should terrorize your neighborhood. And then what I realized was I was like, Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should terrorize the neighborhood. And I was like, I know that theme song way too well. And then when I watched it again, I realized it's because half the theme song is four minutes long.

They go over every possible scenario is like stealing fish and having fun. Someone gave a cat a gun. It's a really long. It's a really long intro song. Six minutes till he makes a pun. Yeah. It was really terrible. It looks like it was drawn once.

On a napkin. Yeah, just like they hired Stan Lee or something. And they didn't know he's not an artist they just had him draw something on a napkin and then just moved it around using magnets past a camera South Park-esque almost

it's significantly worse than South Park South Park is a choice that they're doing it intentionally that way but like this is just lazy also the other thing that struck me was I totally didn't know this but I guess I wouldn't have really it intentionally that way but like this is just lazy also the other thing that struck me was i totally didn't know this but i guess i wouldn't have really registered it back then but like i was listening to it i was like garfield's voices or heathcliff's voice is very familiar and and then i realized that it's mel blank oh funny yeah yeah so it sounds

kind of like yosemite sam or something. Yeah, like every character in Warner Brothers history. But clearly this is Mel Blanc at the end of his career. Just like, just give me the money. Like, I don't give a shit what this is. I'm a cat, I love fish. Yeah. I need opium. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

He needs more opium pods. He drinks opium pods. He drinks opium tea. On this topic, there was kind of an interesting commentary in Wired this month kind of on this same subject. I guess there's a lot of remakes of 80s kids cartoons out there. I guess there's a new Transformers. There's a new My Little Pony. And they're all really, really slick and really, really, you know, the writer was saying, oh, I'm going back and I'm watching all these reboots of my childhood cartoons and they're so slick and they're like really funny and well done and like obviously done by smart writers who want to, you know, want to SpongeBob Adventure Time school of children's TV. And his thing was like, was the reason that those child cartoons sparked my imagination is because I had to fill in so many of the blanks?

Was it because they are so, they are such, they're nothing? So boring. Right. Yeah. It's like you are suggested this cool world and then you kind of have to go off and think of the actual scenario that these people were too lazy to put into the show. I thought that was an interesting thing and it really seems to be like I thought it really like you can make that argument for video games too. It's like like you know Mario's 2D world.

There's so much that's not said. Right. Yeah exactly. What does everyone sound like. What is there something beyond this one plane of walking. We know what they sound said. Right. Yeah, exactly. What does everyone sound like? What is there something beyond this one plane of walking? Well, we know what they sound like. Right. From the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, they sound like Captain Lou Albano, famous wrestler. It's-a me, a lot of you. That's my favorite thing in the world. Yeah, I thought that was kind of an interesting argument. Yeah, I bet there's some truth to that. Just like the – No, I think – I don't buy that.

Yeah. I think that children are idiots. Sure. And we'll watch whatever. They're fascinated by whatever is moving in front of them. Sure. Because that's the developmental stage they're at. Uh-huh.

If it's moving enough, then they're fascinated by it. And it's actually rotting. It's actively rotting our brains. Like, I'm not big on rotting brains, but I think that this stuff may have actually destroyed some portion of our brain. This and the show Out of This World took out, I think, 15% of our brains. Sure. So you're saying that these are the reasons we haven't finished the Great American Novel. Yeah.

I mean, look, if we had only watched The Voyage of the Mimi, starring Ben Affleck, and we learned about important things like how a deaf lady can gather water by using a tarpaulin, then our brains would not be rotted right now. Okay. If it had only been square one, we'd only been watching PBS. Yep. Those things are, I don't think they're good for your brain, but I don't think they actively hurt you.

What's surprising is Sesame Street is better, is actually still watchable as an adult. Where you're like, I like these characters, and i'm totally interested like it's that that holds up in a way that like a lot of other children's stuff seems to be trash yeah um uh could we circle back to business card for a second yeah okay yep yep uh oh wait can i pitch a business card please yeah no no and that's kind of that would be my next this is an idea that is i love uh i want you to get a business card completely blank but with a tiny printer

and want you to put your information on the width of the card so that when someone's like i don't see anything you're like look harder and then they. And then if they go real close up to their eyes with the business card on the side of it. It just says Ron Paul for president. Yes, exactly. That's like a little bit like a grain of rice that you get at the fair with your name on it. Oh, just keep a pocket full of rice. Oh, yeah. And then I hand them the rice.

And they're like, I'm going to be particularly good for you since you're in the pigeon business. Right, exactly. Call me. Make them work for it. But then I also, so I give them this grain of rice, but I also have a backpack filled with complimentary magnifying glasses, and I hand them the rice, and they're like, what's this? And I'm like, here. There you go.

Keep the magnifying glass, and call me. So no, I'm, you know, I kind of don't know. I mean, obviously, you know, I'll have my name and email address and phone number. I'm kind of like thinking about what to put as like my title or head. Do you need to put anything? I say don't put a title. It's classier. Oh, okay.

Yeah, because ultimately, like, you're not giving, you're not cold mailing it to people. Like, you just. Right. Yeah, you've had a conversation. They know who you are. What about this? Just think about this. I mean, I know, Jesse, you're of the opinion simpler is better, but I just have-

If you have something, I'm going to say it. If you have something funny or cool, you should do that. What about I'm not one of those guys who thinks cunnilingus is gross? Different purpose. That's more of a calling call. That's for girls. Yeah. I mean, I'd like to get a job out of this, obviously, but if I could parlay it.

Into cunnilingus. Yeah, into getting some sweet gash on my face. But you think that will let people know that I'm open-minded? I'm considerate? Giving? I think no. Okay. You shouldn't do that.

No, you're right. For work. You're right. But for women, no, you shouldn't do that. Okay. Because I know it's hard to believe. There are some guys in this day and age who still think cunnilingus is a little gross yeah sure no i mean that i think

that's positively barbaric and i just want people to know you deserve to be not classified with them sure ask you a question jordan please i can't see your outline that you i presume wrote for this episode of the program yeah is it Is it possible, and I'd like you to answer me truthfully, that you aren't considering business cards at all, you just did some brainstorming last night as to how you should bring up in the most public way possible that you're down to... I'm positive about.

...down to munch. Well, I'll tell you, the genesis, in all 100% honesty. Right. The genesis of I was thinking about business cards. I'm like thinking about what would be kind of a fun way to bring this up on the show. And I'm like, okay, well, you know, maybe I could ask about if I should have a quote or a headline or something like that. In all honesty, my first idea was, Jordan Morris thinks Alien vs. Predator 2 was better than Alien vs. Predator 1 because I kind of wanted to talk about

how I thought Alien vs. Predator 2 was better than 1. And so you determined... The cunnilingus thing was actually kind of a last-minute switch. Oh, okay. So are you guys glad... Do you guys want to talk about the Alien vs. Predator movies? No, I haven't seen. I do want to see Prometheus.

And otherwise, I'll say this about Prometheus. What I was glad does not undo any of the work done by the Alien vs. Predator movies. Good. It's firmly in the same universe. That's delightful. Yeah. But I mean, Sir Ridley Scott rode Alien all the way to a knighthood. Mm-hmm.

So I would say get those made up. Okay. But save them for when you meet the queen or the queen mom. Oh, okay. Because obviously they have. Right. They have opinions about. They're into it.

The Alien universe. Or else you wouldn't have gotten that knighthood. Sure. I heard, this is a business card industry story that Brian- Because you go to the convention every year. Exactly. The business card industry story. In Riverside.

Well, that Brian Grazer, the famed producer- Sure. Celebrity spike airman. Yep. When he goes to parties or events, he will leave a picture of himself on the toilet. Just as a... Wait, him sitting on the toilet. No, no, no.

He keeps pictures of himself. And then when he leaves, he'll put the top down and just a picture of himself smiling on top of the toilet at someone's house or at someone's place of work as his sort of calling card that says, I've been here. I've been here. And I find that delightful. Oh, yeah. Super weird. And I like it.

Sure. And I think he's a guy who's been a Hollywood big shot longer than he's not been one. So I think I really like it when these kind of older Hollywood guys adopt this crazy behavior. I think that's pretty funny. You know, I think he actually probably got that from Swifty Lazar, the legendary agent who used to put big square eyeglasses on all of his shits. And that's a good fit. I would want to work with that man.

Yeah. So it's sort of like a new spin on an old classic. Sure. It's like you're cleaning up after the party. You go in the bathroom. Somebody didn't flush. Oh. It was Swifty.

Swifty Lazar. I should call him about this upcoming project. You're going to have to return those glasses. I don't know if you've seen Shelley Berman on Curb Your Enthusiasm. That's actually where he got those glasses. He boiled them. Oh, he got them off of a shit. That's Swifty.

Swifty. They call them Swifties in Hollywood. Okay. So, okay. Be sure to call them Swifties when you're taking meetings. Oh, it's like excuse me i'm gonna go make a swifty yeah and then leave a picture of brian grazer on the toilet does it work with michael bay can i leave a picture of michael bay i think you can okay

sure he's great absolutely if it's the magic hour right well it's always the magic hour when you're making a Swifty. Okay, so to recap, Dan, you think business card on the edge of a blank card. Or a grain of rice. Or a grain of rice. Jesse, you think simple elegance with name and contact info only. Yeah, I don't think you need a title. Okay. I mean, there are titles you could use. Sure. Cox use. Sure.

Coxman. Sure. That would probably be the cunnilingus one. Mincing Fop. Just to let people know that I'm prepared to mince about. That's the Alien vs. Predator one. Right, yes. You should just make one with a picture of Doll Sim in your Xbox Live handle.

Oh, yeah. Well, maybe Blanca, but that's... Okay. Okay. Sorry. Yeah, no, should I include my... Sorry, Jordan. I didn't mean to.

That's okay. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to support you. I mean, I know you're one of my oldest friends. I don't expect you to know who my Street Fighter character is. That's unreasonable, right? I'm being sarcastic. That is something you should know.

Oh, okay. No, that's okay. Don't worry, Jordan. As I've read in many an online review, I hate video games. Oh, that's true. You do. Yeah. You are anti-video game.

I know that. Do you? No, not at all. Okay. I don't know. What's your Street Fighter character? I don't know. Dhalsim would be mine.

Okay. But I have not played Street Fighter since it was a contemporary video game. I was always Chun-Li. Chun-Li. Chun-Li. Did you have some similar feelings about Chun-Li that you did about that cat from Heathcliff? I was already mature enough that I would jerk off to her. Oh, okay. So this was...

There was no confusion. No, no. You're like, yeah. There's any excuse to get a pair of boobs in front of me. Okay. Fair enough. Pixelated or otherwise. I would jerk off to the fatalities. Ooh, wow. That's before you found the faces of death VHSs in the back of your local video store.

Before that, I used to... Political dissidents. I used to jack off to the full motion video in Sherlock Holmes Consultant Detective. Oh, sure. I don't know what's that. It was just a game that you could rent at Blockbuster with the Philips CD-i that you were renting at Blockbuster.

Oh, I don't even know what that is. It was like one of the first PC CD-ROM games. Oh, really? They had that at Blockbuster? You could rent PC games? No, you could rent this machine called the Philips CD-i. You could rent the machine. The CD Interactive.

Oh, boy. I mean, you could buy one, but they Philips CD-i. The CD Interactive. Oh, boy. I mean, you could buy one, but they cost like $1,000 or something. It was so you could read encyclopedias on your TV. Exciting. And also play Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective in a lost Zelda game. Two lost Zelda games. Two lost Zelda games. Really?

Two lost Zelda games. Not developed by the Zelda team, from what I understand. No, this was about Zelda Weisberger, an old Jewish lady. The legend of Zelda. Yeah. What? Have some more. The legend question is a really good game of Canasta.

But Jordan, I think it's a great idea for you to get. Yeah, no, I think I will. I think you should have something beautiful. Sure. You should get something beautiful made so that people will know that you're not just some dipshit that fucks around. But the thing is, his job is going to be a dipshit that fucks around. He's trying to get into the dipshit industry. That's the thing.

I mean, let's be honest. You're applying for jobs. They'll be like i like that dipshit i want to see him fuck around no i mean that is really really true no it is so funny because yeah because the i would like a job in the comedy industry so i guess there is a little bit of an instinct to make it somehow clever or humorous but yeah i mean but as soon as you do that you open yourself up to someone not liking the joke. Right, exactly.

And if it's on a business card, it's probably not funny. That's true. I mean, look, there's a lot of ways you can go wrong here. Sure. Look, Dan Greger is an actual successful professional. He had that business card that wasn't funny. It was very clever at the time. It was a different time, Jesse.

It was really resonant with the Pac-Man stuff that was in the Zeitgeist then. Yeah, exactly. It really hit. Yeah, really. I mean, America was in the grips of Pac-Man fever. I'm telling you, you got to go letterpress, my friend. Letterpress it. Okay.

I saw a Huffington Post article with a slideshow about cool business cards. And I'll tell you what, there were a lot of cool business cards that you should check out on the Huffington Post. Man, there's nothing that I love more than a good web slideshow on the HuffPo. It really amps up my favorite thing to do on the internet, which is use page views. Like, view pages. As many pages as I can.

Dan, which slideshow should I watch first? That or Katy Perry bikini pics? I would go with the Katy Perry bikini pics with Russell Brand relationship over time. Okay. You know what I would recommend? Yeah. I think we should get Ariana on the phone and see what her suggestion is. Okay, wait.

She's doing a lot for journalism right now, and I think she could uncover what the best strategy for us would be. That's true. What does Ariana Huffington have to do with the Huffington Post these days? She's the part owner. Okay. She's the face of having famous friends that blog for your website for no reason and thus aggregate viewers, which you can then funnel into your slideshows of things that someone else reported for another website. Yeah. It's a pretty genius model.

They basically have reporters that they pay nothing. Yeah. And they have celebrities that they pay nothing yeah uh and they have and then they have celebrities that they pay nothing and then they just take other people's content and it they i don't know where any costs come from other than like their server yeah yeah no it's so funny i feel like we have like we have funny they did recently hire an investigative journalist they want a pulitzer in order to save journalism. Didn't they win a Pulitzer?

I don't know. I think they actually won a Pulitzer. Katy Perry Bikini Slideshow won a Pulitzer. They won a Pulitzer. Yeah, it was pretty hard hitting. They won a Pulitzer in Worst Internet. Yeah, they give out. Most Ruined Internet.

No, it's so funny. The Pulitzers and Razzies merged this year. They finally broke Gawker's streak for ruining the internet. So Adam Sandler won a – so when they merged with the Razzies, Adam Sandler won a Pulitzer for – oh, shit. What's the brother-sister movie? Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou? Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou? Yeah.

Adam Sandler edition. Jack and Jill. Yeah. No, it's so funny. I feel like when we have comedy friends who write something funny on a blog, I think Aaron Gibson did. I think Eliza Skinner maybe had something real recently that got re-put on Huffington Post.

You're excited for them because, oh, what great exposure for a comedian who is still looking for work. Yeah. But then it's the whole thing. It's like, yay, I'm on the Huffington Post. Oh, you're contributing to their for work. Yeah. But then, you know, it's the whole thing. It's like, yay, I'm on the Huffington Post. Oh, you're contributing to their business model. Yeah, it's the same thing

as Facebook now. All of a sudden, I realize, like, it's really uncomfortable that, like, I'm now weirdly socially taking part in this enormous corporation's existence.

Like, they have no business other than me fucking around on their website. I'll tell you some dark shit that Facebook has recently pulled. I mean, Facebook's full of this kind of stuff, but we have Facebook pages for all of our shows. Yeah. We're Maximum Fun from XFunCon.

Some of them have thousands of fans. Jordan has a Facebook page. I have a Facebook page that people click on like, and it has content that we funnel through and so on and so forth. They've now taken, you know, Facebook has always had or for many years has had a proprietary algorithm that decides how many, what proportion, what of the things that you follow is going to show up on your homepage or whatever it's called in your timeline. is going to show up on your homepage or whatever it's called in your timeline. So you don't, when you like someone or whatever, it doesn't, what they post on Facebook does not necessarily actually show up on your Facebook. Right.

That has always been the case. Recently, Facebook has taken to four pages rather than personal profiles. They have taken to, when you write a post, you you know if i say there's a new jordan jesse go in the jordan jesse go page it will show you what percentage of the fans who have asked to see your posts saw it and then we'll pitch you if you give us hundreds of dollars we will show it to the rest of them wow yeah what the fuck i know isn't that't that dark? That's so funny. What's the point of Facebook now? So like 20, 30% of our fans will see a given post. So it's officially- Unless we pay for the rest of our fans.

Well, what about- We're like the advertising mafia now. What about when I push something from Twitter that I wrote about Nicolas Cage that's funny? You think everybody's not seeing that? People are not seeing it. I just want to read it to them now, I feel like, because they didn't see it. You should probably just read it to them now- Where's my phone? So they don't miss it. You don't even have your phone here? No, I'll seeing it. I just want to read it to them now, I feel like, because they didn't see it. You should probably just read it to them now so they don't miss it. You don't even have your phone here?

I'll read it. I'll get it on the break. Okay. It was really funny, and I'm now mad that maybe everyone didn't see it because of Zuckerberg. That's really upsetting. I argue that you should get a letterpress printed, very simple business card on beautiful stock. I argue. What's everybody's clout score?

Dan, what's your argument? My argument is... Die cut in the shape of a dick. Yep, yep, exactly. And the spurt is Jordan's name and phone number. That's a great idea! Use that! Yeah, it has a little gel packet underneath, and when I hand them

the business card, I push the gel packet and it sprays them in the face. Yep, I think, you know, I think you're onto something. Yeah, that's not bad. No, no, this is the gel packet and it sprays them in the face. I think you're on to something. That's not bad. No, this is the... I was all over you using our friends at One Heart Press. Sure. They can make this thing for you.

It's an artisanal operation. We'll be back in just a second on Gordon and Jessie Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, detective. Sponsors on this week's program. Well, first of all, your donations. The thousands of donors out there in donor land who give at MaximumFun.org slash donate to support these programs. Thanks, gang. We also have a couple of cool advertisers on this week's program. First of all, our friends at Comedy Bang Bang

on IFC, Friday nights at 10, 9 Central. Reggie Watts, Scott Aukerman, and a cast of thousands. Many. A cast of many. This week's guest, Amy Poehler. But, I mean, we're talking about Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen, Jon Hamm, Jimmy Pardo.

A murderer's row of hilarious people. Of A-listers like Jimmy Pardo. Friday nights at 10, 9 central on IFC. And this podcast is supported by Microsoft's Bing, a new way to search. Use Bing to search the web and your own social media networks with the new social search

sidebar, allowing you to ask your friends as well as experts. Try it online at Bing.com. Bing is for doing. Bing is for doing! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bowl cut. What's that bowl cut business about? You don't have, for the listener at home, Dan does not have a bowl cut. I had a bowl cut when I was 12. How did that work out for you? Great. I mean, I loved it. How did that work out for you? Great. I mean, I loved it.

Yeah. And I thought it was really cool. It was one of those bowl cuts that also, like, go under. Oh. You know, it would flap over almost. Sure. It was cold underneath. You also get some stuff. That's right around when I got rid of my tail.

I had a tail until I was about 11. Yep, yeah. A little bit too long. It was post-Ralph Macchio. Yeah, it was post-Macchio tale. Yeah. God, how did it relate to the kind of punk lost boys from Hook? Because I feel like I remember post-Hook, post-Rufio,

there were a lot of kids who had some kind of weird hair affectations that seemed like they were coming from that movie. I was just into my tail. I don't know. I mean, I had a spiky phase, probably actually a spiky phase from within the hook era right before my mushroom cut. I like that it's identified as the hook era. Sure. The hook era.

I mean, Jesse, it defined a generation. Defined a generation of hair. Hey, why don't we take some... And skateboarding and eating multicolored glop. Yep, there you go. And classic tail reimagining. Sure. Why don't we take a listen to some telephone calls, shall we?

That's a great idea. Let's go to the tape. Hi, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. I'm calling to report a momentous occasion that just happened as me and my boyfriend are laying in bed. We have decided the names of our penises as his is Jeffrey, mine is Wilmington,

therefore establishing the shittiest British comedy of all time in our pants. He then proceeded to make a gay joke aimed at me. I believe this establishes us as the best homosexual couple in the world. And I feel like that's pretty momentous. You got pretty braggy there. Yeah, seriously. Okay, now. Greatest in the world.

I mean, come on. Guys. You know Ian McKellen's with somebody, right? Yes, seriously. That guy wins. He's winning the gay cup. And I'm, here's. The gay cup cup.

In my opinion, the best kind of couple, period. Yeah. Heterosexual, homosexual, what have you. All the others. In my opinion, the best kind of couple is two middle-aged punk rock gay guys. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Do you see where I'm coming from on this? Yeah. I definitely see where you're... As someone who met Bob Mould not that long ago... Right. Yes. I feel like Bob Mould and whoever he is with... Right.

I think he has a life partner of some kind. Automatically win best couple ever. I mean, it would help if they were dressed real punk rock like kind of as kind of an it kind of a a cross-section of like where leather daddy meets punk rock uh-huh like if there's some misfits patches involved ideally and i don't know what these two gentlemen dress like when they go out or what their ages are i'm guessing they're younger guys oh do you mean our wilmington yeah well jeffrey and wilmington we're talking about the dicks and

the dick puppet what do you call that when metonymy what do you call that with the larger thing stands in synecdoche yeah what's a metonymy i don't remember what but synecdoche is when you refer to something by something with which it is associated or a smaller part of it. Okay. So Jeffrey and Wilmington. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

They may not. I would guess they are not middle-aged and punk rock. No, they sound young. But they're young. Dick puppetry is not a sport for the elderly. Right. Right. Right.

So what he's saying about this is moment. Because I was on board when it was just that they had thought of fun names for their dicks. Sure. That's great. That is fun. That is fun. Yeah, of course. Especially when you get to name someone else's.

Yeah. That seems like one of the nice benefits of being in a gay relationship. Sure. Is that you get to, you know, you just know each other's business a little bit better. Right. you know, you just know each other's business a little bit better. Right. And, you know, like I guess I've named my penis with my girlfriend

but I just think that a gay guy would enjoy it more. Yeah, I mean right, certainly I've named my wife's penis. Old Straponsky. He's like a Russian merchant. But here's what I'm driving at about this call. Sure.

So I enjoy the fact that they named their dicks. Me too. And if he had just left it. We all enjoy that. I mean. Our dicks are supporting characters in Are You Being Served? Or whatever, then that's great. But when he takes it one step further and decides that this victory, but minor victory, makes them the greatest homosexual couple of all time.

Yeah. I don't know. That is a stretch. I mean, who's Travolta fucking right now? You know what I mean? Like, that guy was in face-off. Sure. What if it's true, though?

I hope it's Nicolas Cage. That's the greatest gay couple of all time yeah no doubt about it sure yeah problem solved i mean they met on the set of face off and at this point now that we've answered that question i think it's on to the next call hey jordan jesse go this is ken from denver and i'm calling in with a moment of shame tonight i sat down in front of Netflix with my daughter to watch a movie that had been highly recommended to me,

a wonderful children's film called Babe, Pig in the City. Yes. And about an hour in, when my daughter was sobbing uncontrollably at how sad and awful the movie was to all the cute animals in it. I had to turn it off and try to get her to go to sleep. And I felt shame because I was a terrible parent.

But the shame should be shared with Mr. Jesse Thorne, who has repeatedly recommended this movie and repeatedly talked about how wonderful it is without mentioning that it's the darkest fucking shit in the world. That is the darkest fucking movie I've ever seen, and I subjected my sweet little daughter to it. And her cries echo

in my memory. I repudiate this. So, shame time. I repudiate this. Have a good show, guys. Oh, boy. I will accept no shame from this. Here it comes. Number one. Just watch Alien vs. Predator 2.

Just show that to your baby girl. I don't think. The kid dies in that, too. I don't think that there are a lot of children who are too young to watch Babe Pig in the City who also listen to our program. If they do, then you are a bad parent. Yeah. If your child heard about this recommendation on our show, you are a bad parent.

I can't take responsibility for children listening to our program. He took your recommendation. I also, look. And he just watched it for himself as a child. You know what I like a lot? Inglourious Bastards. Great movie. Go ahead and watch that with your toddler.

What? How do I? I think he took your recommendation of the movie, it being a kid's movie. It's rated PG, isn't it? I don't remember what the rating is. A, I do think it's appropriate for children. Okay. But it certainly depends on the age of the child and the, you know, how sensitive they are.

Yeah. I mean, it was my youngest brother. It was his favorite movie when he was about six. I literally this morning, I mean, oddly this morning right before I came here, my girlfriend brought that movie up to me out of nowhere. Oh, funny. movie up to me out of nowhere. Oh, funny. We were talking about how sad it would be if our dog gave birth to puppies and then had to give up her babies to other people.

And she was like, yeah, you like that scene in Babe. And I was like, I've never seen Babe. And she was like, you've never seen Babe? And she got really mad at me. She was like, you have to. It's one of the saddest, greatest movies ever. Were you talking about Babe or Babe, Pig in the City? Oh, Babe.

I'm sorry. I'm talking about Babe, Pig in the City. Oh, Babe. I'm talking about Babe Pig in the City. Oh, I'm sorry. No, that's a different movie. I apologize. I didn't realize. Oh, you're getting in some deep swamps. Look, Babe is also a great movie.

Babe is pretty dark and sad also for a movie that is made for children. Yeah. But definitely Babe Pig in the City is darker. I'm amazed that it's a whole franchise of dark pig movies. They had intended to make more. What a great sentence. The thing is, is I think that the darkness in the original Babe, if you are a child who doesn't know anything, you might potentially miss it. Like basically what babe

is about is about a pig trying not to get slaughtered sure right that is what babe is about and the threat of slaughter is omnipresent in the film babe like that is what it that is the driving that is the MacGuffin of babe is the threat that all pigs get slaughtered

and sheepdogs don't okay so let's lay that out for all these people who think Babe is the most, you know, sweetest, most innocent film ever. Babe is about death. Okay, wow. So is Babe Pig in the City, but Babe Pig in the City also has some sort of scary, intense action in it. Now, I, because I've never seen these movies, Because I've never seen these movies, when you say scary intense action,

knowing that the lead character is a pig in the city, what is happening? I really would like to have a description of some of these intense action scenes. Babe and the mother of the farm

are going to... The mother of the farm are going to- The mother of the farm is a human? Yeah. Okay. Are trying to save the farm by going to, I believe it's either a competition or some sort of performance of a pig that can do sheepdog stuff. Okay. Which is what we learn in Babe 1 is Babe the pig becomes a proper sheepdog.

Okay. Despite being a pig and thus escapes death in an abattoir. OK. So anyway. So and what what happens is they get caught. They get caught up in a drug sweep at the airport and get stuck in the city where is it where it's illegal to have pets in a hotel. They find a hotel that accepts pets. And the city is sort of like a mystical pastiche of cities.

So it has like the Sydney Opera House and like the Empire State Building and like all these different, it's very magical world. world and um and it's basically basically what happens is babe and the other animals that stay in this hotel um have to figure out how to uh avoid capture because animals aren't allowed in this place and also save the mother of the farm who gets caught up in trouble and it sounds kind of it's a one It's a wonderful film. I don't stand alone in supporting it. Gene Siskel at the time picked it as the best movie of the year, the late Gene Siskel. Babe Pig, the sequel to Babe.

Babe Pig in the City, yes. So was the sequel better than the original? Yes, I thought it was better. Really? But I think they're both great. I mean, I think that one is definitely Babe, Pig in the City is a little bit more complex, a little bit richer, a little bit darker. Wow. But here's the thing.

So my point is just because I recommend a movie doesn't mean it's appropriate for your child. Yeah. Your problem is you assumed that any movie I recommend is a pro- I've also recommended Pootie Tang on this show. Well, to be fair, Babe is a child's movie, so I think he was assuming that- It's a good child's movie. Yeah, yeah. I think if you're a parent, you're responsible for deciding what is and isn't appropriate.

Because, as I said, Babe, Pig, and the City is appropriate for children, but it really does depend on the child and the developmental state. The child's mean maturity, given the mean maturity of every child, what's the appropriate age? I would say just average overall, the average unsophisticated child, I would say nine or ten. Okay. Now, the average sophisticated child. I would say, well, you know, like I said, my youngest brother, Brendan, who's now in high school, when he first saw Babe Pig in the City, he was five or six.

He loved it. He would go around the house saying, pig in the city, pig in the city, pig in the city. And it was because he. Did that just mean he had to poop? Yes, it did. It meant that the city in this case was his diety. Sure. And he had just eaten yes it did it meant that the city in this case was his diet sure um and he had just eaten a lot of bacon um he here's the thing he uh he was not undigested yeah the thing is is

that the movie is intense now but it but you learn important lessons from it. It does not have a mean or dark. It doesn't. The message is. Do you learn about mortality? Yes. There's some fucking mortality in it. Yeah. There's a dog that goes to dog heaven. Do you see heaven?

You see dog heaven. Oh, that's sort of a lie. So that's not a good lesson to teach kids. But I think the moral of this story is that as much as I love Bay Pig in the City, if your kid is bothered by something that's intense, anyone could tell you that that's the... If you typed it into the internet one time, you would learn that it's a dark, intense movie. That's what makes it good. It's like a Brazil for children. Like Toy Story 3 recently.

You guys all saw that? Yeah. That blew me away at how real that got. Yeah, I wonder how many Toy Story 3 nightmares and permanent traumas there were because of that last bit of Toy Story 3. That one moment where they accept their fate is so intense. Yeah. And, like, I mean, it was a lesson as an adult. I was like, wow, like, there's a moral lesson there.

Right. Whereas, like, for a child, like, that would shatter my world. But here's the thing. I mean, I think that what makes one of these films so powerful, even for kids, is if they go through an intense experience and come out the other side. Kids need ordeals. And trials. I think they do.

No, they do. I think they do. And I think that one of the great things about Babe, Pig, and the City, for me, at least, I mean, the first time I saw it was when it came out and I was in high school. But one of the things that I like about Babe Pig in the City is that just like Toy Story 3, most children's entertainment, especially commercial children's entertainment, I do not find affects me because the stakes are false.

Right. The stakes are replaced by pacing. You know what I mean? Like just stuff happens fast and that's what keeps you engaged. Oh, so Jesse, you're not concerned whether or not someone catches them all. Apparently. pacing. You know what I mean? Like just stuff happens fast and that's what keeps you engaged. Oh, so Jesse, you're not concerned whether or not someone catches them all. Apparently. You gotta. What's great about Bay Pig in the City is that the stakes are real, just like they are in a real fairy tale, for example. You know, like real fairy tales have children getting eaten by, you know, and it's scary. But what happens is you come out the other side and there are kids who,

there are kids who are not mature enough to understand what a story is. You know what I mean? And if this kid was a five-year-old that just doesn't quite get the separation. Yeah, I am. I have a baby, but my baby has not seen Bay Pick. My baby has not watched television at all. Outside of getting obsessed with the Giants game once in a while when my wife's taking care of him and I'm

watching the Giants game. Okay. But the story, like the transformation, what happens, you know, it has a happy ending. And the reason that it has a happy ending is because of Babe's values. And the real fear that something bad might have actually

happened. Right. And there's a real lesson in Babe Pig in the City, a really powerful lesson that I still sincerely find kind of inspiring, just like I did in Toy Story 3. You know, like I cried in Toy Story 3. I'm a grown up. Yep. But it was a really powerful film because it had real stakes for these characters that you actually cared about. So when would you show your child Toy Story 3 or Bay of Pagan City? I mean, it depends on what kind of child it was. Your child.

Yeah. But I mean, he's... You just don't know who he's going to be yet. Yeah. I don't know who he's going to be yet. But I mean, I think that probably given what will be going on in my house. Uh-huh. I mean, I remember when my mom took me to see the Milagro Beanfield War and stuff.

Like, my mom took me to see the Milagro-Beanfield War and stuff. My mom took me to everything. But I think that probably when he's seven, six or seven. Okay, all right. Yeah. I mean, and maybe even younger, depending on where he's at emotionally. Yeah. You want to give him a good scare.

I mean, it's intense. I mean, I say this as someone, you know, like my mom took me to see tons of adult themed movies. My parents took me to see tons of adult themed movies. But I never went to see like horror films or I still don't like that. Yeah. So it's not that. It's about the fact that you are invested in it for real. Right. And it does take a kid who can understand what a story is, that it's, you know, a thing that teaches you a lesson, that you're going on a journey rather than a thing that's, you know, real.

Well, I like this guy, though, for sitting down watching a movie with his kid. That is nice. That is nice that he took a little family time. You're trying to shame me. I do not accept your shame, sir. I do not accept your shame. Okay, we have one more call. Let's take a listen.

Your dick's out. Hi. Okay, we have one more call. Let's take a listen. You're dicks out. Hi. Okay, I'm calling to leave a message for a momentous occasion. So, okay, I kind of have a two-for-one momentous occasion today. I'm really psyched. So the one is I've been working for a few years wanting to go back to school eventually, and today I got accepted into the PhD program in civil engineering. And the two, the other momentous occasion, today the list of Olympic athletes in modern pentathlon,

which is a sport you might need to Google. So the list of the athletes who will compete in the Summer Olympics in London just got sent out by the International Sporting Federation today. And there's 36 women and 36 men, and my name is on the list for those 36 women. Oh, right. Two things coincided, and now it's all coming together. Wow. So I'll be in London in August

and get to go back to school in September. So thanks. A pentathlete. I have a crush on this girl. Yeah. Holy shit. Let's go ahead and Google pentathlon. So thanks A pentathlete I have a crush on this girl Yeah Holy shit Let's go ahead and Google pentathlon Do you know?

Yeah, it's like a track It's track and field The modern pentathlon is track and field At the end of it you get on a pentagram Right Dan, you're thinking of the movie The Craft I don't I mean, that was a very

I think modern pentathlon mean, that was a very exciting movie. I think Modern Pentathlon, you're looking at a sprint, a long jump, a broad jump, a triple jump. I don't know. And a boar slaughter. Right, a boar slaughter. Yeah, sure. A virgin deflowering. You have to take the virginity.

Let's see. Pistol shooting. Woo! Oh, my God. Epi-fencing. I think that's classic pentathlon. The Wikipedia entry is modern pentathlon. Cross-country run, show jumping, and freestyle swimming.

Is that right? What? Those are the most ridiculous, incongruous sports I've ever heard. Yes. Show jumping? What the fuck is show jumping? And if your crush on this girl didn't increase after that, you, sir, do not have a pulse.

What? I mean, is that just like jumping in an exciting way? Oh, no, a horse. Like a show horse. Oh, shit. So not only do you have to wield a gun and a sword. Gun, sword, horse, swim. Yeah.

So this is for Lara Croft only. Oh, my God. Basically. This girl's awesome. What do you think her PhD is in? I don't know. How big do you think her jokes are? The events in indoor pentathlon are 60-meter hurdles, high jump, shot put, long jump, and 800 meters.

Oh, did you say indoor? I think that's what modern women's pentathlon is. Indoor pentathlon. Hey, ladies can do whatever they want. I like the horse shooting gun one better. Can she do that one? Horse, gun, swim, sword, and what's the fifth? Pistol shooting, fencing,

swimming, show jumping, cross country run. And running, okay. Okay. Wait a minute. No, this was replaced. This one was replaced in 1984 by the heptathlon. So this is, you may be right. Modern pentathlon. I think you're right. Fencing, horse racing.

Let's say it's that one. That's better. Let's just agree because it's fucking fantastic. Yeah, it's super hot. What? We're all jerking it in this recording box. Okay, but really what where do you learn these things yeah i know what we're like we were this is what exactly what

we were talking about before which is which is like there's a culture that that somehow you might come up learning fishing right yeah yeah exactly just i mean what world did you come up in that you're you're a you're like a you're like a you're like a courtesan, a super prostitute, like a fancy prostitute that only services kings and sheiks. Who also needs to be a ninja. Right. Yeah, or I mean,

I brought this movie up on the show a couple weeks ago. The movie Hannah, did you see that? It's a girl who's raised in the wild for one purpose, to kill. Yes, exactly. So yeah, maybe either she was

some sort of cabin killer. This is definitely the sexiest Olympic event. She ain't shooting and fencing? Come on. And then riding around on a horse. She's got to be a beautiful lady. She's on a horse with a sword. She's on some fucking Zorro shit.

I think this is fantastic. I also think it's Joan from Mad Men. Just because. This is the greatest. This may be our best all-time momentous occasion. She got into the Olympics. Guys. She's empirically better. Than us.

Than Geena Davis. And she was in Cutthroat Island. Oh, guys, can I, while I have, I know we took out our phones to find out what that was. I mentioned earlier that I guess because Facebook has been fucking us. Yeah. Maybe people aren't getting to read my Nicolas Cage tweets that I wrote. Jordan, we're talking about this woman getting to the Olympics. This is valid.

No one cares about fucking Nicolas Cage. It's really good. It's really funny. Can we just focus on how hot this girl is? We were talking about face-off earlier. Remember? It applies. Come on, guys. It's good. Read it and we'll get back to this girl is? We were talking about face-off earlier. Remember? It applies. Come on, guys.

It's good. Read it and we'll get back to the Olympics. Yeah, I read. Nothing helps. Funny Twitter. The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time. I read that this morning and I enjoyed it. Thank you.

Thanks, Dan. Anyway, back to this. What Olympic event will you be competing in, Jordan? Bunny Twitters. Twittering. Nerd Tweeting. Bunny Twitters. Why isn't that a sport?

Wicker Man tweets. Yeah. Wicker Man lore. That's what I got my degree in. Wow. You know when they do the shooting, you know what they have to do? They have to meditate until their heart rates slow to like almost zero like a fucking yogi yeah because otherwise their heartbeats the shaking from their head from

their heartbeat they have to shoot in between heartbeats oh my god the one of the big excuse me one of the big things in shooting events in the Olympics is that the performance-enhancing drugs are like downers. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Because they make your things that lower your blood pressure and make your heart beat less. Wow. Do they also check to make sure the contestants' MP3 players don't have anything by the XX on them? Downer.

It's a real bummer. Music's a real bummer. Jordan, I am looking, and I've seen this. She also sent us an email. We're invited to the Olympics. Are you really? Are we her trainers? Oh, I have some exercises to run her through.

Jeez Louise. Holy moly. This girl's great. I mean, fuck having a child or buying a house or all these other momentous occasions. The Olympics is the only thing any of us ever really want. The Olympics, this particular event. If she was, you know. Well, if she was on the team handball team.

Team handball is pretty cool. That's good. Curling? That seems like a sport that was made up for the USA Network on Saturday mornings. Sure. Would you guys give up your life right now to be an Olympian? Oh, wow. You're still the same general personality.

Would we pull a Geena Davis? Yeah. That's called pulling a Geena Davis. Yeah, sure. Oh, man. That's tough. I mean, I have this beautiful child. I have a wonderful wife.

You're going to have an Olympic wife and an Olympic child. Have you heard about how much fucking goes on? I know. I know. It's very exciting. Because you do your event, and then you don't have anything left to do but fuck other Olympians. And for the first time, everyone around you is in as good a shape as you are. I know.

Yeah. They must fuck for days. Can you imagine the aerobic efforts being put in by these people? Sting walks out of that place exhausted. And this lady can slow her heart down to zero. Who knows what sexual effects that may have. I don't know about that

being helpful. She's in like a fucking zen pleasure dome. More like fucking a corpse. That's what I was talking about. That's actually what it's like to zen pleasure dome. More like fucking a corpse. That's what I was talking about. That's actually what it's like to fuck Gina Davis. She does not try. Yeah. But, you know, she's a regular Cupid with her archery skills. That is true.

That is true. With her national competing level archery skills. Wow. Oh, boy. What a great girl. Should we go to England? She invited us to the Olympics. Did she?

She really did. Oh. Yeah, okay. I'll go to that. You, me, and Teresa are. Sorry, Dan. Is my name Teresa now? No, that's my wife's name.

And she's a standard wife. I don't mean to disappoint you. Not an Olympic wife. Whatever. I think we should go. Yeah, I'll go to that. Probably hotel rooms are really expensive. I bet they are. And there's probably a lot of

bombings. Where do you think the pentathlon competition takes place? I have no idea what could facilitate those five things. It has to. You get your horse running around. You get your sword fight. You just come across a knight and you fight him. There's a fox hunt just randomly.

Yeah. Oh, I love this. This is great. I love this. Do you think she'll give us a hug? Oh, definitely. We could live off that for months. She knows how to fence.

I'll just let her shoot me with an arrow. I'll take that. Just take a fucking arrow in the sternum we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective dr bullcut doc bc playing the hits. Oh, wow. The Olympics, Jordan. Yeah. Can you imagine? Nicolas Cage.

I'm thinking about something else now. I don't know. Just like a funny tweet. Hey, I want to mention one thing before we bail on this. A couple weeks ago in the feed we put an episode of our show International Waters, for which Jordan is head writer. I am the host it is a game show in which two comedians in the united states compete against two comedians in the uk in a in a test of their pop cultural knowledge of each other's cultures yeah oh that's

awesome well of everyone's cultures okay yeah we've had a few complaints there's not enough england shit in there sure we're working on it and there's not enough England shit in there. Sure. We're working on it. And there's not. However, I will say this. We're doing this show monthly. We just put out a new episode. If you are not subscribed to International Waters and iTunes, it will be the best hour of your month every month. That's my

prediction. Unless you're in the Olympics. You've been working very hard. I hope it's a good hour. Speaking of a great hour and some change, if I could plug a live date. Yeah. Jesse, you've heard of Dave Holmes, right? Who hasn't?

That guy's the greatest. Dave Holmes. By the way, Dave Holmes and his boyfriend are America's greatest homosexual couple. Yeah, seriously. Dave Holmes and Ian McKellen. Oh, man. Now that's a couple. Dave Holmes and Ian McKellen. Oh, man. Now that's a couple.

Dave Holmes has a long-running stage show here in L.A. called The Friday 40. It's maybe a little similar to International Water. It's a pop culture quiz, but also you are awarded points for drinking 40s. So, you know, it's delightful. Anyways, they have moved their show to Meltdown Comics. Great theater. And I am going to be one of the contestants in the inaugural show at Meltdown Comics. To be fair, it's a terrible theater with good shows.

That's all that makes a good theater. You know, actually, I was talking to a stand-up comedian last night, Jim Hamilton. He's a very funny guy. And I made that thing. I'm like, oh, God, the shows there are so great, but gosh, it's so uncomfortable, and he says that the comedians

love it because of the low ceiling. It sounds better than any theater in LA. That's what I'll say. Every time I go there, I'm reminded of the old UCB space in New York on the original one.

The one that was long and skinny. The long and skinny one that used to be a strip club. All that matters for a good comedy show is tight quarters and good acoustics. And you want people to just feel like it's really homey and small,

and that's why that place is very good. Anyway, it's delightful shows at the Meltdown Comics. Dave Holmes' new show, The Friday 40. I'm going to be in it. It's 8 o'clock at Friday the 15th. You can get the tickets at the Meltdown Comics website. So there you go. So get your ass over to International Waters and iTunes if you don't live in Los Angeles.

If you do, don't bother because you can just go see the Friday 40 with our friend Mr. Dave Holmes and Jordan Morris. Well, listen to International Waters on the way. You might sit next to Ian McCullen. I don't know. That's too much entertainment. No, you're right. People are going to freak out. Sure.

It's going to be so delightful you'll have to watch Babes Pig in the City to bum you out afterwards. It's inspirational. It turns out well be so delightful you'll have to watch Babes Pig in the City to bum you out afterwards. It's inspirational. It turns out well. I bet. I bet it does. He traumatized his child by not showing her the happy ending. Oh, yeah. He shoot her away before it was over.

Yeah. It's his fault. You got to stick it through to the moral conclusion. That guy's a terrible parent. It's his fault. I accept no blame at all. Is it clear how much blame I accept? I imagine you just feel a terrible parent. It's his fault. I accept no blame at all. Is it clear how much blame I accept? I imagine you just feel a little guilty.

No, I accept none. You seem like you're going to lose a little sleep about this. Zero shame. I'm not losing any sleep. Your dick's out. I'm bringing a... Thank you. Okay.

Dan Greger, it's been a joy. Oh, yeah. Thanks for finally having me. Yeah, I mean, this is just a recap. I mean, obviously you came in here with a lot of expectations. A lot. Your co-worker, Tammy Sager, was part of, I think, what we can agree is one of the classic Jordan-Jesse-Go episodes.

Right, right, right. So much back and forth with getting you on the show. I think you delivered. Oh, okay. I think you delivered. Oh, okay. I think you delivered. I think. A hundred percent. I think.

I'm sure I will go listen to Tammy's now and I'll send her some notes. Right. Too veiny. Yeah. We'll talk to you next time. 206-9844-FUN. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron if you want to get on the Jumbotron.

If you ever want to follow up on our sponsors, there's a thread in the forum. You can follow me on Twitter at Jesse Thorne. Jordan at Jordan underscore Morris for more Nicolas Cage magic. Dan, you got a Twitter? Yeah, I do. It's at Gregor Corp. It's G-R-E-G-O-R-P. Does it say that on your business cards?

No, on my phony email address. Okay. There you go we'll be back next week it's hot in here I'm Jordan Jesse Gell ah