Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 228: Invincible with June Diane Raphael

Episode Date: June 18, 2012

June Diane Raphael joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of Town Cars, The Bachelorette, yoga etiquette, and It's-It.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We explore the origins of the Adams family and Jordan suffers. Well, let's call it a yoga injury. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. A beautiful Father's Day. Oh, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, it's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. A beautiful Father's Day.

Oh, thank you. Jesse, happy Father's, your first Father's Day. Thank you very much. I have conceived human life, implanted it in my wife. She grew it to full term, then expelled it from between her legs. So you got a macaroni card. Oh, no, that asshole kid did not do anything for me. Really?

Nothing? And we went to brunch. Okay. He at least paid, right? No, he acted like it was his show. He's flapping his arms because he wants more yogurt bites. This asshole. I cannot believe this kid.

I am sorry, man. Should we bring our guest into the mix here? I mean, if it's not that asshole kid of yours. No, I... If that's the guest, I don't want anything to do with him. I certainly hope it's not the guest. She certainly looks different from my son. Sure.

Of course, you know her from her many film and television roles. You know her as the co-host of How Did This Get Made. You know her as past Jordan Jesse Go guest, Miss June Diane Raphael. Hello. Hi, June. How are you? Good. How are you? Happy Father's Day to you.

Oh, thank you. You have that Father's Day radiance about you. Thank you very much. I love Father's Day. How many children have you fathered? You look like you've had a catch recently. Many. I love being a dad.

It's very great. Did you get any macaroni cards today? No. My sister, my father just recently suffered a, he's 100% fine, but went up to the sort of second floor of our attic. We have an attic and then there's a ladder. OK. And he went up the ladder to the top, fell 10 feet. Oh, dear.

Onto – fell out of the ceiling as my sister described it. Oh, my. And couldn't move and the firemen had to take him – couldn't get him down the stairs because they didn't want to move him. So had to take him outside of our window in a basket and lower him down via a pulley system. A pulley system with a basket? Yeah. Like a delivery of fruit in a Brooklyn tenement. Exactly.

That's how I think. Like a dumb waiter. Yeah. But outside the house. And he's fine. And he's totally fine. So did you send him like a fun, like a basket to commemorate that, like a fun gift basket? I feel really bad that I did not get a gift out this year.

Edible arrangement? I got a card out. That's great. And I got a picture out in the card, and my sisters took him kayaking. Well, that's great. And I'm going to go in on that gift with them for however much that costs them. Okay. What does a kayak cost these days?

Well, it's sort of like a – Financially or also emotionally? I couldn't afford it. Emotionally and financially. You're going to split the burden. Yeah. I can see that. I just couldn't get it together.

I still don't understand how long it takes to get things places. Uh-huh. Do you know what I mean? Like it how long it takes to get things places. Uh-huh. Do you know what I mean? It's hard for me to get... You're used to having a courier because you're a Hollywood courier. Yeah, exactly. I'm used to just having everything messengered. Right. But that was impossible. Do you guys get things

messengered to you, by the way? No. Yeah, I had the... Something we talked about when I was on June's podcast is I had a few lines in a Sandra Bullock movie way back when. And that was the first and only thing I've ever had couriered to me was the script to that to that movie. And it felt great. What often waiting for it to happen again. What often happens to me is a show business type.

Well, we'll book a guest. They'll say that they're sending that guest's show, you know, on DVD or movie on DVD. They will not do it. We'll call them and say, hey, we haven't gotten. And they'll be like, oh, right. I'll get that out right away. They'll not do it again. And then like the day of the interview,

two hours beforehand, it will show up via messenger. Right. And that's like via messenger on like a bicycle. No, because this is not a bicycle messenger place. This is Los Angeles. You're right. You're right there in cars. They drive GeoMetros. Right, right, right. You're absolutely right. No, but I think it's one of those. I think we were talking about this. It might have

been in the episode that actually got deleted deleted recently but we were talking about how good it feels like you feel like you've reached a point in your life or a level of success when you can like you know pay the guys to move the couch or pay the guys to mount the tv i think that is how it works in show business is like it's a good feeling knowing that i can just have this messengered over a hundred bucks to send a dvd yes like i think it's a it's a it's a good feeling knowing that I can just have this messengered over. A hundred bucks to send a DVD? Yes. Like I think it's a validation thing. Well, but what I've started to do is I make a lot of use – and I don't think other people do this and they should. I make a lot of use out of my agency's mailroom.

Oh. So I will bring things over and say, can you FedEx this somewhere or two-day messenger it? Or I'll say – I'll go over and say I need these three scripts printed out. Can you print them out on your paper so I don't have to use my ink? Do you think I can – We pay these people, you guys. Do you think I can go to my management with just a can of soup and say, warm this up? Say, what can you do?

What can you do for this soup? Can you warm it up? You pay their money. Do you think that after they do that, it'll have some pretty good heat on it? Well, hopefully it doesn't have buzz because that would mean there's bees in my soup. Guys, you don't want buzz on your soup. You know what? I actually just yesterday returned from my first ever businessman trip, which is to say I've gone on-

That's when you go to a motel and fuck your secretary, right? That's if I'm- Yes. And I've recommended, recommended. I had to hire the secretary first. Sure. But it was worth it. Worth every penny, I'm sure.

It was worth every penny. And I saw pictures of Dan. He's very handsome. Yeah. He's a handsome guy. I have gone on business trips before. Like I have gone to public radio conferences. We have traveled together to do shows and so forth.

But those aren't real business trips. Now, I did go on a business trip to Public Radio International in Minneapolis early this year. But that was a public radio business trip, which is sort of a different thing because it's just – it doesn't have the glitz, the glamour that you've come to associate with a courtyard by Mary. Well, you don't fuck your secretary. You fuck Terry Gross. Exactly.

Which, you know, I mean it's – it can be a challenge even to get it up for that. Just kidding. She's a beautiful woman. She's a beautiful woman. She's a beautiful woman. Gorgeous. And this business trip, a guest who'd been on Bullseye runs MTV News, recommended me to MTV's consulting company. MTV has a consulting company. So that means that they just work with MTV to try to figure out how to –

No, they work with outside companies to give them the MTV edge. Oh. Isn't that wild? Wow. I was so surprised they would outsource that. I know. You would think Kurt Loder would want to do all that personally. Yeah.

That's the thing. Okay, so they have this consulting company that goes to other companies and teaches them how to be cool like MTV is, mostly, I guess. And I, as a media innovator, was chosen to participate on this panel in Detroit for a major automobile manufacturer. I won't say which one. The major automobile manufacturer. And it was a real business trip because I wasn't like, I have no time to do anything. So I was like, do I really want to fly to Detroit to do this gig? And I said, well, you can pay me these thousands of dollars to do it.

And I wrote in the email, fly me all nice, which I thought meant just don't give me an overnight flight. In my mind, I'm thinking that means just don't give me and fly me out of Burbank if you can. That Burbank's a nice airport. I got an email right away. No problem. And we'll get those business class tickets for you. So not only did I fly both ways business class.

From Burbank? This was from LAX. However, they provided a car to take me to LAX. And back from LAX. Because then you're fine to fly out of LAX. I rode in a town car more times in the last three days than I had in the whole rest of my life combined. Because the rest of my life combined, what are we looking at? We're looking at my prom.

One of my proms. I may have taken the bus to one of my proms. That's also possible. Number two. That was sad prom, right? Number two, I think one time when I interviewed Stephen Colbert on behalf of the Apple Computer Corporation, they gave me a town car

from JFK. But this was the kind of town car where they don't have a sign that has your name on it. They just circle. Circle around and you have to look for the number. Yeah, and you have to look for the number, which sucks. It's terrible. It's the same. It's not even as good as taking a cab.

If there's no guy with a sign, what's the point? Now, do you make small talk with your town car driver? Did I ever? Oh, man alive. Town car driver? Did I ever. Oh, man alive. I had a grand old time talking to my various town car drivers because I had town cars to each of the events and back also.

And there were two events. This is a dream. So that's four town cars one day. And then two town cars. That's four delightful chit chats. And then two on each of the other days because of to and from the airports, I got town car rides. So that is, that's four, that's eight town car rides I took. That's airports I got town car rides. So that is that's four, that's eight town car rides I took. That's a lot of town car rides.

I know. I have been in more town cars than that but that's just because I get drunk when I visit Brooklyn. Those aren't the same town cars though. Those are the side that they're closer class operations right? Those are like 93 town cars. I've been in those town cars.

I choose this to believe because I'm a huge success. Those are town cars where they like roll down the windows at night in the winter because it helps keep the windshield from fogging up. And the leather split on all the seats. And they don't mind if I lay down.

One of my town car drivers was a very nice man. He was like a 60-ish African-American guy. He was telling me different stuff. And we're just driving down this street in a suburb of Detroit. And he slows to a crawl. And I realized that he is totally accidentally just openly staring at a woman walking on the sidewalk. But he's not doing it as like – He slowed down the car?

It's not like a wolf whistle. But he just started looking and he knew – something inside his mind knew that if he is off-axis, if his line of sight is not on the road, he shouldn't be driving fast. So he took his foot off the gas to look over his shoulder at this lady. And he said, oh, he said the most wonderful thing. He said, like, he said, he said, he said, well, when I was younger, I did all kinds of things with all my juices and whatnot. When I was younger, I did all kinds of things with all my juices and whatnot.

And then he said, but, you know, these days I still look once in a while. And then he said, I don't undress. I just look. I'm a married man. I am so upset right now. He said, I don't undress. Is it the juices? It's the juices, absolutely. But it's also I don't undress. Is it the juices? It's the juices, absolutely.

But it's also I don't undress. What does that mean? He means that he will look at a lady, but he doesn't mentally undress her. Okay. I feel a lot better. I feel a whole lot better. Really. When he was younger, when he saw a pretty lady, he'd take all his clothes. I thought he would take all of his clothes.

And then just tip his hat, madam. A man who's slowing down, though. But he wasn't. That's kind of a creepy move. Yeah, that's like he's going to grab. He's going to get out and abrade. I want to make this absolutely clear. Good abbreviation of uncomfortable, by the way.

Thank you. Because I said this, but I want you to know that I really mean it. He was not slowing down in the way that someone slows down because they're about to wolf whistle. Or abduct. Yeah, or abduct or whatever. It was really, it was the same kind of slowing down that people do as they drive past accidents on the freeway because they're nervous they're going to crash. It was that. Like it was something where. It was a safety precaution.

He was an older gentleman. He was 60-ish. And he only has one and a half, let's say one and a half tracks in his mind. And he only has one and a half, let's say one and a half tracks in his mind. And so what happened is when two-thirds of his mind got occupied by a pretty lady that he'd seen, then he was only left with half a mind to drive. But he's a safety first type dude. So he slowed to half speed.

I mean, okay. I just can imagine being that woman. I don't think she saw. Okay. So she was just... Yeah, she was just walking down the street. There was no... It's difficult for me to characterize this other than just simply to say that he was not being creepy. So he was not really leering at all.

Was he shade-tipping? He was not shade-tipping. Okay. This was not the movie poster of a movie that came out in 1989. Okay. So you're saying it was more a look of appreciation. It was like a look of interest. Okay.

I think it's just one of those. Like if you saw a cute dog or it wasn't like a. That you wanted to fuck. Right. Like a cute dog you wanted to. That you wanted to get your juices all over. Give it to. Well, he doesn't want to get his juices all over. That's why he doesn't.

That's why he doesn't undress. But I believe what he was saying was that he doesn't have any juices to get all over. No. What he was saying was that when he was a younger man, he was frisky and single. Now he's a grown man who's an adult and it's okay for him to look at a pretty girl and see that she's pretty, but he's not going to try and undress her in his mind because that would be immoral. What was your response? I said, yeah. Yeah.

You know. He's like, ah. No, but I mean I really sympathize. He was being so sweet. Like I realize to a woman walking on the street, if a guy slows down or if you notice a guy staring for too long, it's creepy. But sometimes that animal part of your brain takes over and you don't know you're doing it until you're doing it. I feel like I've slowed down for women and looked and like, well, look at yourself, asshole. But but yeah, it's just this thing that happens and then you have to process it later. I'll give you an analogous situation, June.

I have a dog who is super sexy. No, I have a dog who is a terrier mix. And she if I am sitting if I'm sitting with my legs crossed and I'm sort of like flicking my toe, she will stare at it because it looks like a squirrel or whatever. And if I keep flicking my toe, she will just attack it and not viciously. She just cannot keep her mind from doing that thing. And then as soon as she attacks it, she will realize it's my foot and then feel bad about it because she loves me and I'm the person who gives her food. And that's why you attack women at night sometimes behind the Safeway. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I feel bad about it after, but they give me food, you know. Sure, sure, sure. That's why I feel bad. I just have to say I know my experience in L.A. is very different from my experience – when I lived in New York, I would get extremely upset with catcalls, sexual harassment in the street because it's just so pervasive there and it's such a pedestrian culture that you're just in – you're with the people all the time. And here in L.A., it's just Brett Ratner. It's just Brett Ratner and that's fine by me. Because he's great. Right. I mean the Rush Hour films, we all love those. No, sorry. You were making a.A., it's just Brett Ratner. It's just Brett Ratner, and that's fine by me. Because he's great. I mean, the Rush Hour films, we all love those.

No, sorry, you were making a point, and then I wanted to make a Brett Ratner joke. No, just that I actually feel like I would engage in New York, which looking back now, I probably, if I lived there now, I wouldn't do. Yeah. But I had so much rage anyway. Oh, so you would say, like, hey, why would you do that? Yeah, like, don't say that. And by the way, I'm sure- You were more of a riot girl then. way. Oh, so you like, you would say like, hey, why would you do that? Yeah, like don't say that.

And by the way, I'm sure. You were more of a riot girl then. I was more of a riot girl, a righteous babe, if you will. Good pull. Good pull. You had dreadlocks and double sole Doc Martens. Exactly. 18 hole, knee high Doc Martens. And by the way, I'm sure.

Bratmobile. God forbid if I reach a point in my life where the comments stop that I'll be equally devastated. Right. Of course. But I would definitely try – I would say – I would talk back and say, please don't say that to me and that's – and I would do it in a very grandma way. Like I remember saying a number of times – You called them sunny.

Yeah. And I would say that's very inappropriate. Oh. That's very – like that was – for whatever reason, that was what came out of me constantly. Living in LA, I have sensed a relief of just on a day-to-day basis I don't feel as angry because of that. Because you don't appear in public. Yes. Yeah.

And because I wear a burqa. Okay. And that's great. It's probably very liberating for you. People see those as oppressive. When you look like I do – seriously, it's a huge cross to bear. Yeah. It's an enormous cross to bear.

It's either hoots and hollers or burkas. Exactly. That's why I wear a burka. I wish I had more choices. I'm sick of people hooting at my tits. I feel like I get more hoots when I wear the burka. Really? Yeah.

Well, you have cut the butt out of your burka. Yeah. Yeah. Just your nude butt sticks out of the back of your burka. It's like a chaps burka. Really? Yeah. Well, you have cut the butt out of your burka. Yeah. Yeah, just your nude butt sticks out of the back of your burka. It's like a chaps burka. Sure, yeah. I wore it for pride. We'll be back in just a

second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la next time around, we'll do it, and you can make up your own name. Okay. Okay? Fantastic. Okay. Are you happy with that? Yeah. Okay.

Those are fun voices. This is where I try out all my voices, right? Yeah. All my different voices. Yeah. I mean, this can be your SNL reel if you want to. Right. If you want to have impressions or characters.

Right, because they take audio reels too. Yeah. Wonderful. They're mainly concerned with audio at that show. Yeah. Lauren loves audio. That's why Nichols and May are on there so often. You know, Jude, I have delighted in your work on the smash internet television program Burning Love.

Oh, I think. delighted in your work on the smash internet television program burning love oh i think the tagline of which is the most romantic web series that will ever be i believe it is it's a god this is i i i'm with jesse on this this is so unbelievably funny and you're so unbelievably funny in it it's it's a parody of like The Bachelor, right? Yes. Yeah, it is. I mean, I think that it's already so insane that I think it's a challenge to parody it, you know, because the show itself is really like bananas

and I don't know if you've noticed this. It's a detail that I'm obsessed with that all the contestants or the majority of the contestants on the actual Bachelor know on our parody on Burning, are dental hygienists. Yes, I did notice that there was more than one. There's a ton of them. Yeah.

So this is, it's so funny. I feel like I've been hearing so much about the show The Bachelor. And it seems to me that, I guess I associated The Bachelor with like the first wave of reality shows. Like there was Survivor and Big Brother. But I guess those two are still around too. But I feel like more and more I hear like my peers talking about The Bachelor. Like I had a big conversation with Griffin McElroy of My Brother, My Brother and Me talking up The Bachelor to me. And this is not a guy that you would assume would watch a reality TV show, but they are.

I kind of wanted to ask you if you watched the show before the parody show. Yes, I did. And why this is something that people are talking about more than 16 and Pregnant and Big Brother and that other kind of thing. I don't know. I mean, I did watch it before and loved it. I mean, I feel terrible about watching reality TV. But at the same time, it's like I also feel like as an actor, there's something about it that's so – it's incredible to watch people behaving like this. And I know everybody says, oh, they're performing for the cameras.

I actually don't think that they are. I think that the situations they're in are heightened. But I don't think it's – I think the reactions are actually pretty honest. I don't think there's a performance element to it. I think that's real. And it's just amazing and fascinating to watch. I mean The Bachelor is – of course the premise is insane that these people would fall in love after three dates. Surrounded by a giant television crew.

Yes, surrounded by – In a hot tub. And many hot tubs. But I don't know. At the same time, I do get why they think they're falling in love. Yeah. Because they're, by the way, from what I've heard, they don't let these women out of the house. So, and they don't have access to any media. Like they don't give them books. They don't give them.

They don't let them urinate. They don't let them urinate. So June, if you're saying, if I want to find a woman to fall in love with, I should just lock her in a house. I mean, it's not a bad idea. And that will heighten her. It's not a bad idea. Because when you come out, she's going to be super psyched to see you. Here's how you do it.

Slow down your town car. Right. Get my juices ready. Prepare my male juices. Yeah. Get my juices ready. Prepare my male juices. And you were telling us outside that you are in a Bachelor of Fantasy League.

I've started a Bachelor of Fantasy League that I am the commissioner of. Now, I want to say something here, which is that I regularly appear on our friends, the Sklar Brothers podcast, Sklar Bro Country, as the fantasy expert. the Sklar Brothers podcast, Sklar Bro Country, as the fantasy expert. And this is at least as ridiculous as the made-up fantasy leagues that I write in my parody segments on this comedy podcast. But this is in real life. Well, look, all I can say is people are having a great time. Our last winner was Danielle Schneider, who you may know from various. The world of jokes. Film and TV.

Yes, the world of jokes. She won Ben's season. And the way we play it is we pick, much like I'm sure Sports Fantasy League, we pick our players in the beginning after the first episode. Now, do you do this in a rotation draft or an auction draft we just do no the way we play it is any you can play well whoever you want to play i can pick whatever bachelorette i want to pick now each week though there are new and there's a long series of questions i already i already have beef with how you're running this thing so everybody could could just pick the Barry Bonds of Bachelor? Yes, you can.

But you also have to pick your final Bachelor or Bachelorette who you think is going to win. And then each week, which is how I think it's different because we don't do the trading. But each week we have a series of questions. Who's going to go home? What's going to happen this week? We've been writing pastiches of just like what do you think chris harrison's going to say to this and then we'll have a celebrity judge come on and judge everybody so it's as much fan fiction as it is as it is one week everybody took a picture of themselves impersonating a bachelorette and the

bet you know are you pitching this as a reality show? I think it's a great idea. I mean, maybe like, you know how after The Walking Dead, Chris Hardwick comes on for The Talking Dead and just kind of wraps up the episode. Maybe you guys can have some sort of Bachelor postgame. I mean, there's a lot to unpack. Clearly. There's a lot to unpack there. Clearly. And so how are you doing this year? I'm not doing great. You also every week, there are usually two challenges a week.

And your players are potentially scoring points every week based on the series of questions we send out in the beginning. For you and other teams, which is a fundamental flaw. But go ahead. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. But see, what you usually try to do from the first episode is pick both the train wreck and the person who's going to stick around the longest. So the train wreck is usually going to be the winner of a lot of our initial plays, like who's going to get in the first fight with Emily and, you know, something like that.

And that's worth a certain amount of points. But you also have every single week you can double down on your answers. So you can either score double the points or you can lose double the points. Okay. So, Jesse, as a guy who has played fantasy sports for a long time, how would you set this up to where it's more kosher? Yeah, let's hear it. Let's hear it. You've got a lot to say over there.

I'm uncomfortable. The part that makes me uncomfortable is that it sounds like you're just filling out a slate. Initially you are, yes. And part of the point of Fantasy Sports League is that when you get someone, someone else doesn't get them, that they're scarce commodities. I see what you're saying. Well, yeah, but the problem with that is that every week someone gets voted off. So you're saying if we chose our bachelorette just one or two in the beginning and both of them were voted off, I mean they could both be voted off in the first week.

Then you chose poorly. Then you chose poorly. Then you chose poorly and that's it. How many people are on The Bachelor? Well, they start off with – About 500, 600, right? Like in Major League Baseball? They pick a state basically. And then everyone, every one of the opposite sex in that state is –

I believe they start off with 25 contestants the first night. Three limo... How many teams have you got in your league? How many people could fit in three limos? Exactly. 25. So it's 25 normal people or 600 clowns. The Clown Bachelor was my favorite season.

They shot that one at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Right, yeah. So how many people are in your league? How many people are drafting? Well, some couples play together. Sexy. Paul and I don't. We play separately on separate teams.

Also sexy. This is all sexy. I would say we have about eight teams playing this season. So if there's 25 people and there's eight teams, then everybody could have three people on their team. So if someone gets kicked off in the first week, they've still got two people left. Yeah, this is – look, I'm listening and I'm hearing what you're saying. I'm hearing you. Don't give me your therapy session language.

Don't reflect my thoughts back at me. What it seems like is maybe you're saying that, yes, it's imperfect. It's imperfect to pick these people because part of these types of shows is people getting eliminated. So the way – yes, June. Well, I just raised my hand. Yes. But the main part of our play is in the week to week of it all. So you're choosing every week who you think Emily is going to send home, who you think Brad's going to send home from last season.

Okay. So it's really more. Emily gets to send people home? Emily's the bachelorette this season. They switch genders every year. Oh. Do they, right, every year switch genders? Yeah.

Okay. There's usually a bachelor season and a bachelorette. Every year switch genders? Yeah. Okay. There's usually a bachelor season and a bachelorette. And usually what happens is the runner-up to whatever season who didn't win when it comes down to the final two will then become either the bachelor or bachelorette. But I think it seems like to kind of make up for these – So that enables what we call keeper leagues.

So to make up for these discrepancies, these kind of creative things come into play. Exactly. The who's going to fight, take a picture of yourself. Take a picture of yourself. Like these things, these things kind of fill come into play. Exactly. Who's going to fight? Take a picture of yourself. Take a picture of yourself. These things kind of fill in the gaps. And the celebrity judges, how do they play into this? Well, they choose. We do it anonymously.

Well, except for the pictures, obviously. But usually when we do, when people write pastiches or something like that, then a celebrity judge will come in and read everyone's and choose. When you say celebrity judge, you're talking about Weird Al Yankovic? Just our friends. Yeah. Basically just Weird Al Yankovic. Yeah, basically Weird Al.

Yeah. How drunk are you while this is going on? Oh, I'm stone cold sober. I take it very seriously. Wow. Okay. You don't want to impede your performance. Now, last year there was a bit of a problem during Ben's season because two of our players

said that they were out to drinks with some ABC executives. This is while the season was still going on. And that they had heard, and we were only a few episodes in, and that they had heard who the final three were. And they came to me. That is sexy.

And they told me outright, which I really appreciate. Secrets are sexy. And I unfortunately had to tell them that they could no longer play. Now, I was able to devise a few challenges that I felt that they could fairly play in. Okay. But there are some tough calls that I have to make. Like who can give the commissioner the biggest bribe challenge? Exactly.

Exactly. You know, these are the responsibilities that I have. So do you do the tabulations yourself or do you farm that out to a CBS sports line? To my agency? Yeah. No, I do it all myself. Is this – and is this – like if someone – if our listeners wanted to play this, is there – like do you have your rules online? Is this something you could make available to people?

I could if people are interested. Absolutely. I mean this is something that I would consider selling as? I could if people are interested. Absolutely. I mean, this is something that I would consider selling as an e-book, a Kindle single. I do hear what you're saying, though, and I'm thinking about it for next season. So you're saying we would just, you'd choose, everybody would get a shot at all the players based on the first episode. Yeah. See, here's the problem with that, though, Jesse. They do teasers where you see certain bachelors at the end of, so maybe we'd have to do it.

That makes them more valuable. Maybe we'd have to do sort of a, well, yeah, of course, but we would have to do it all in person. Yeah, first rounders. Yeah. I'm telling you. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I hear it. Then you can trade.

And that's where the fun comes in. Go the waiver wire. I don't know who would be on the waiver wire. No, I don't know any of this. Yeah. This is all foreign terminology. Sorry. I started talking about sports stuff and Jordan spaced out.

Yeah, that's usually how that goes. How many more episodes of The Bachelor are there this season? Or The Bachelorette, excuse me. The Bachelorette, we're about... Where you are now. Or Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. See, here's the great thing about The Bachelorette this season, Emily Maynard, who's just a doll.

She has a daughter, Ricky Jr., and none of The Bachelors... It's just a daughter named Ricky Jr.? Yeah. Because you were... She's... This is also something you were explaining earlier. She had this child with Ricky Lake. Her fiancé, Ricky, I don't know his last name, died in a plane crash many years ago.

And she found out the day after he perished in this horrible plane crash, she found out she was pregnant. So Ricky Jr. is her daughter who none of the bachelors have met yet. Do they know that the daughter exists? Yeah, absolutely. That'd be a fun surprise for episode eight. It's been an interesting season because she's not afraid to ask the tough questions. I mean, she's like a hardcore mama bear. So on these first dates.

That's sexy. It is sexy. She's asking like point blank. Yeah. Are you okay? Are you good with kids? Are you okay with staying in every night? Like she's putting them to the test. Yeah. Are you okay? Are you good with kids? Are you okay with staying in every night? Like she's putting them to the test.

Sure. Now, it was really uncomfortable because two episodes ago we heard one of the guys essentially say, you know, Emily's great. She's beautiful. She's gorgeous. Very sweet. She has a lot of baggage. Wow. She doesn't know we heard this.

Okay. Wow. She doesn't know we heard this. Okay. So we're watching these things go on and it'll be interesting to see how it all pans out. So there's a little bit of dramatic irony going on. Yeah, absolutely. We in the audience know something that the participants don't know. Now, this doesn't compare to what happened to the last Bachelorette, Ashley Herbert, because she had a guy, oh my God, I was so upsetting,

on her season who was blatantly saying during his testimonials, I'm not attracted to her. She's ugly. But he won. No, he didn't win, but she was head over heels in love with him. Oh boy. And she's saying during her testimonials, I just love him. The connection we have, I don't understand. That sounds like a lot of-

It's crazy. Yeah. I mean mean it was really um so then how did she suss it out um did he disqualify himself her i'm trying to get like a million dollars in addition to true love oh heavens no there's no money there's no money actually natasha leggero is a great line in Love. I don't know if it's aired yet. Yeah. Where she gets kicked off and she's like, oh, God. Oh, you just.

No, she is not. As a watcher, as someone who watches the new episode of Burning Love every Monday when it comes out. Oh, no. And who's surprisingly emotionally invested in these fake characters. You just ruined something for me. Especially Dr. Ken as ballerina. As ballerina. As ballerina. I'm so sorry. He gets kicked off in the first one. So that's not. That's okay. Dr. Ken as ballerina. As ballerina. As ballerina.

I'm so sorry. He gets kicked off in the first one. So that's okay. Continue. She has a great line. Well, she says, she takes the blow pretty well. Yeah. With a lot of grace and dignity. Sure.

And then she says to the camera, she's like, so where do I get, when do I get paid? Like, where do I pick up that check? And they're like, oh, oh god no there's there's no money in that yeah it's just a wonderful moment that she plays incredibly well but yeah nobody gets paid money okay but the thing is well here's what you get and here's the truth of it is a lot of people i think now go on the show to potentially promote their business and to that's why you see a lot of the bachelors singing on their way out of the limo with their guitars okay sure sure they're trying to get their

their brands and all that out there um and a lot of guys talking about drywall how good they are hanging drywall and well that was one of our challenges i think last week was just how many times you can hear the word dude okay and people just Say dude a lot. There's a lot of dudes. Okay. But after the show is over, there's a whole sort of world where these people get paid a lot of money to go to parties, to go to different events. So there is actually, they can make a lot of money when these things are over. Sure. They don't make any money on the show. You know, you fly salt lake city you go to club sapphire for a night okay you don't

get drunk because they don't have that there right exactly or it's very hard to get drunk because they have a special uh apparatus on the liquor bottle so you can't pour more than the allotted amount that's something about shot yeah um so how do you how do you act like one of these contestants like what's the what's what what would you say is the defining like like performance characteristic that you have to bring to it oh man maybe I meant might be a that might be I might be asking too much do they fall into do they fall into categories year after year? I've literally never seen the show. Yeah, they do.

I mean there's always one that's just like completely insane, like off – Sure. Like not well. I mean two years ago there was a woman who was crazy and she woke up one morning with a black eye, unexplained. Nobody ever got to the bottom of it. Great. It's just like weird stuff is going on in this house.

And then there's always the one who's way too forward with him and the other girls hate and there's the sweet one. You mean the slutty one? Yeah, the slutty one. The slutty one. Yeah. And I guess I didn't want to say that. Yeah, well, I said it. Sure. Yeah, you did. I mean, I slowed down the car

first. But you didn't say it full fill of full full with juices no you weren't full of juices my juices have been drained sure like a boil yeah by the medical treatment of marriage a loving there's also always the one who i think senses early on that she's not going to be the girl but just wants to stay and so she befriends him or her. OK. And so her whole like game is like we're buddy-buddy. Sure. And I'm going to tell you sort of the inside scoop. I know you're not that into me but this is at least what I have to offer.

Right. That makes me sad for them. I'm sure there is some sort of algorithm that, you know, that an entertainment agent has out there somewhere. If you are on a reality show, if you stay on for eight episodes versus ten episodes, here's your price at Club Sapphire in Salt Lake City. Like, here's how it goes up and down based on your screen time. Well, and there was a woman, I think, a couple seasons ago who was caught sleeping with just, like, a cameraman. That's great.

So this is what happens. Yeah. It's not the same black-eyed one. No, different one. Okay. Different one. Yeah, I mean, they're all sad characters, you guys. But although when I see someone like Emily Maynard,

and I'm starting to develop real feelings for her she's romantic like the characters and like the guys on the show yeah i'm like she's a wonderful person she seems like a very nice person who does have her head on straight and has a wonderful relationship with her daughter and does seem to genuinely find love i mean maybe i'm being you know i haven't felt that about every one of them. Sure. So, you know, we'll see how it all pans out. The crazy thing about the guys, though, for the women who are on the show,

it's like the men, to be able to take off that amount of time. Right. How long does it take to shoot one of these things? A long time. I mean, that's like a six-week commitment. So for you to be able to take off six weeks from your job at any given point. You're either very successful or very not successful. Yeah.

What do the people on the show do? The ladies, there are a lot of dental hygienists. There are a lot of like sales reps. Just like nebulous job. Yeah. Consultants. Event marketing. Exactly.

Like words that you don't – yeah, there's no – It doesn't get awful specific. It doesn't get like blackmailer. It was weird though. This season there's a grain merchant and a mushroom farmer. Oh. On Emily's season. What?

Yeah. A mushroom farmer? Well, maybe that's why they can take all the time off. Maybe it's off. I don't know when is prime season for mushrooms. Right, they're not harvesting. But maybe just in the- I want to get into that showrunner meeting where they were deciding between mushroom farmer and just leaving it at farmer.

They're like, we should really- I don't know. Let's get specific here, you guys. Yeah, specifics. Show, don't know let's get specific show don't tell it's just one of the key tenets of storytelling you gotta get the deets in there just before that like okay well we've got the

table full of headshots laid out and we're picking like oh this guy he fronts a hair metal band or he's a singer-songwriter. This guy is a mushroom farmer. I'm sure they kicked out some very nice singer-songwriters for that mushroom farmer. It was also pretty heartbreaking this year because there was a guy on Emily's season. He's no longer there, but he recently had a very serious brain injury.

Oh, OK. I mean very serious. He fell off the roof of his house and, I mean, he wasn't well when he came on the show. Oh, okay. And he – You guys in your show did that at the John Lovitz Comedy Club, I noticed. It was pretty fantastic. But he got very upset and couldn't do it and basically said, I don't have all my verbal skills back yet. And I don't feel comfortable doing this. His comedy was – This is dark and upset.

Yeah. This sounds like a nightmare. Wow. His stand-up comedy was, so you notice cake is sweet. And then it's nothing. Anyway. Well, good luck. Good luck in your rotisserie league.

Thank you so much. Now, traditionally in rotisserie baseball, your team name is a pun on your surname or at the very least a silly name. Well, what was yours when you were playing fantasy baseball? I don't quite see this. It's been a long time. I think I had the Marvelous Thornberries named after a baseball player named Marvelous Marv Thronberry, a famous baseball player. And I remember I had a friend named Evan Hulka

and his team was named the Hulka Hulka Burning Loves. That's fun You were never like thorn in your side you didn't go Well because the idea is that in order for the pun to really work it has to have a team name aspect so in your side is not

so the thorn in your sides is not. Thorns in your sides. Yeah. No, you're right. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. So I don't know. I mean I guess what I'm saying is you're playing with a bunch of professional comedians.

Well, we have – it's interesting. Some people – well, my team name is the Ghost of Ricky Sr. Uh-huh. Because he died in a plane crash. He's passed on. Because of his tragic passing. And how much respect you have for his widow. Erica Oyama's team name, and she's the creator and writer of Burning Love, is a daddy for Ricky Jr.

Paul Scheer's team name is R-I-P-C-K-Y. I can't remember others. There's a lot of like, you know, here for the right reasonators and that type of thing. Because that's everyone's point for themselves on these shows is that everyone else is here for fame. I'm here for the right reasons. I'm here for the right reasons. I'm here for the right reasons. I don't want any drama. I don't want to go there. I don't want to have this conversation right now.

That's a huge tenet of reality shows. Like, I don't want to do this right now. Right. I can't believe she's bringing this up here tonight. Now? Yeah. This show is supposed to be boring. This is just nice people

hanging around. I can't believe there would be drama. Yeah. I don't know. People do act surprised when drama comes up. Does The Bachelor

pick which bachelorettes win? Absolutely. It's not like a voting thing where people text who they marry. No, it's not like American Idol. They choose – well, they choose each week who's getting a rose and who's not. Now, when –

Getting a rose in this case means – Well – No, it's an actual rose. It's an actual rose. Yeah, that's how you know you move on. Gotcha. Yeah. In Burning Love, you –

I had a suit that I had my heart on or something. Yeah. Well, that too, I'm sure. Right. They all choose – I mean, you can on. Gotcha. Yeah. In Burning Love, you... I'm sure that meant hard honors. Yeah. Well, that too, I'm sure. Right. They all choose. I mean, you can tell. It's fascinating to watch because they always choose the people.

The last... On one of their last dates, when it's down to the final two, Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, gives them a key to the fantasy suite.

Now, they can choose to spend the night together in the fantasy suite. The cameras don't follow them in there. Is there some sort of cheeky moment where they close the door in the camera's face? Yeah, they usually close the door. But like Emily Maynard, when she was on Brad Womack's season and she was a contestant, she didn't want to go to the fantasy suite because she had Ricky Jr. at home and she felt like it was going to set a really bad example for Ricky Jr.

Plus, she's not into that Star Trek shit that he was into. Exactly. Right. In the fantasy suite. Yeah. So not everyone goes. I will not put on the wharf head. Here's the thing, though.

She said. She might be getting – I mean, she was proposed to the next day. Yeah. So to me, that's pretty crazy, though, to accept an engagement ring from someone. Wait, so she was proposed to and then she said yes? She did say yes. Well, then how come she's back looking for a new love? It didn't work out, Jesse.

What do you mean? I think there's only one. But television is so beautiful. Jude, are you saying true love isn't real and we should all just give up? Should I get a divorce? true love isn't real and we should all just give up? Calm down. Should I get a divorce? Only one couple out of the, I don't know, like 12 seasons they've done is still together.

Oh. Only one. Not a great track record. Not a great track record. And not only that, but Chris Harrison is the host and is our, you know, every man on the show and the eyes and ears of the audience. The Greek chorus, if you will. Yeah, the Greek chorus. Just recently got divorced

oh dear from his wife from his wife when we stepped into this nightmare recording cube I believed in love and now I don't know I'm not so sure I'm not so sure I know

yeah the numbers aren't great the numbers aren't great well anyway Yeah, the numbers aren't great The numbers aren't great Well, anyway Well, look, we'll be back We're just going to collect our Beliefs from off the floor We'll be back in just a second On Jordan Esseco

Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Bing, making search social. You can use Bing to include results from both the web at large and also social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. It pulls content both from people you know and from experts. You can learn more online at Bing.com. Bing is for doing. We'll be back in just a second.

Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Shunda Ann Rayfield, drama free. No drama. One hundred percent drama free. She hates drama, hates fake people. I hate it. Yeah.

Guys, can I, I had a couple of etiquette questions come up in my life recently. I know you guys are both known for your social graces. So can I – would you guys mind helping me with a couple of etiquette things? You start with the fork that's on the outside. Great. That was it. And each time they serve new food, you work your way in. Okay.

Do you guys want to talk – should we just talk about 16 and pregnant now? Because that was it. It was a fork question. No. Do you guys want to talk? Should we just talk about 16 and pregnant now? Because that was it. It was a fork question. No. One is it is a dining question. I was at a restaurant sitting on the patio, and this is kind of a bench-style situation. These are long tables with benches on this patio. I don't like those.

Me neither. I don't like it when I go to a restaurant and it forces you to be social yeah yeah sure fuck that okay yeah if I wanted

a communal dining experience you would go to camp yeah thank you you have some bug juice with your sloppy joe right well this is definitely

one of those right and and you're right it turned a little uncomfortable because I got I was with someone

and then just a casual acquaintance was seated next to us. Not somebody I dislike, just someone I had met through work a couple of times. And she had with her this adorable new puppy. So this new puppy was between me and her. In a little, like like case of some sort? No, it's just an out dog. Okay, number one.

Yeah. Dogs can't be gay. Sure. Number two. No, my concerns about what's happening at this restaurant. Yeah. The level of Los Angeles bullshit that's going on at this restaurant right now. To be fair, this would also be Brooklyn bullshit. Not with the dog. Yeah. The level of Los Angeles bullshit that's going on at this restaurant right now.

To be fair, this would also be Brooklyn bullshit. Not with the dog. Yeah, I feel like that's, isn't that, isn't Brooklyn dog? I just feel LA is. There's dog bars in Brooklyn. Yeah. There's bars that will let you bring your dog in. Is this a cafe gratitude? No, this is, it's at a place called, it's called the Fat Dog.

And they kind of pride themselves on having the dog-friendly patio. I think that at this point, even people who do not live in California where Cafe Gratitude exists know about it just because it's so laughable. It's so self-parodic. That's the one where you order vegan food and everything, The name of every dish is an affirmation, right? Well, not only that, but when you say, oh, I like the I am gracious, they will repeat back to you, you are gracious. And then when they drop off the food, it's especially uncomfortable when the busboy drops off the food and is like, you are gracious. But those poor guys should not have to do that. No.

Should absolutely not have to do that. Not getting paid enough. Yeah. And but like those poor guys should not have to do that. No. Should absolutely not have to do that. Not getting paid enough. Yeah. They're already fleeing the drug cartels. Tens of thousands of people are being killed every year. They just don't want their head to be in the town square. OK, so so I'm I'm at this bench and I've had all the conversation that I want to have with this woman. A, how are you? How are things? How is this mutual friend of ours?

Take off your top. Take off your top. Let's see him. Let's see those jugs. She didn't want to show me. I'm done with you. Yeah, shut it down. Here's the thing.

This puppy was great. Take the puppy and shut it down. Take the puppy. I don't want to talk to her anymore, but I did want to periodically reach down and pet the puppy. Can I do that without making conversation with her? Or each time that I wanted to pet the puppy, do I have to open up a new topic of conversation with her? Wow. Is that rude to not?

Are you alone? I am with a friend. I'm going to give you, I'm not an answer in etiquette. I'm not a master of etiquette. I am a master of netiquette. So I'm going to say you just have to use the right emoticon to convey sarcasm in an email. Okay. Ah, geez.

Yeah, I mean, was it within reaching distance? Yeah, like the puppy was, I mean, it could have been with me. Like that's how close we were. Yeah, I think you can touch that puppy. Yeah, and not. Touch the pup. Okay. Get up in there.

Because I did. I petted this dog a lot during the meal. She introduced you to the dog, right? She did introduce me. Part of what we talked about was this new dog that she got. So your relationship to this dog is. You guys, I feel like what you're saying by doing that is your dog is so much more interesting than you. I have –

It was. That's true. It was true. I was not that interested in this person. Yeah, and that's what you're saying. Maybe you're okay with that. But you're in another conversation with your friend. So you're taking the time from your friend to do something else.

You had an animal while talking to someone. Yeah, you have to kind of, here's the thing. You have to act like the dog engaged you. You know what I mean? He's asking for it. And you reach down with your arm, but you keep your face pointed up towards your friend. Yeah.

The friend that you want to talk to, the person you came with. Right. So you go, you give it a little look. And then you got, and anyway, so we put in an offer on the house.

Right. You know what I mean? I'm talking about, yeah, I'm always talking about real estate matters. It sounds like to me though, from how you're describing that puppy, that it just is a little pet

and keeping eye contact with your friend wouldn't do. That if you were to pet it, you'd want to really. Like get in there. Yeah, get in there with it. Do a little voice. Exactly. Give him a little kiss.

Have him mouth your finger. Yeah. Some finger mouthing. Okay. But yeah, I did kind of what actually happened was I was periodically petting this dog, trying to be engaged with my friend and not acknowledging the acquaintance. But I did feel bad about it. I did feel like I was, you know, I should have engaged with the acquaintance more.

No, fuck the acquaintance. Okay. Number one, the reason she got this puppy is because she's boring. Sure. She knows it. Everyone around knows it. That's why she's covering up for it by getting a puppy. Number two, you can't not play with a puppy.

What are you going to do? Not play with a puppy. What are you going to do? Not play with a puppy? They're pretty cute. You're going to play with the puppy, but then you also do have to engage the owner. No, if you had to walk over to a different table in a real slash normal restaurant, then I would say every time you walk over to the table, you've got to engage with the owner. But this dog, you just have to do a little, ah, like it it's engaging with you because the owner isn't looking at it all the time. It doesn't know that it didn't nuzzle your leg or whatever to get you to pay attention to it.

Was she engrossed in a book or otherwise? She was also with someone and they were having a conversation. Well, I guess that changes it a bit. I'm picturing her alone sort of sitting next to you guys. Oh, just like, I brought this dog here because I need attention. Yeah, because, yeah. So that's, so now I'm okay with it. Jordan, did you have your parrot on your shoulder?

The parrot was at home. I had the python. Right. You know, Jeremy. Right, sure. Okay, etiquette question number two. Okay, number two. As we've discussed in past episodes, I am now taking a yoga class.

Yeah. I'm new to it. Yeah. And there is a woman in the yoga class who will come around and help you if your pose is not right. Right. A yoga helper. Not the teacher. Not the teacher.

The teacher doesn't – A TA. Yeah. Right. Yes. A yoga helper. Not the teacher. Not the teacher. The teacher doesn't... A TA. Yeah, right. Yes, a yoga TA. And I was in the middle of something called the Cobra Pose. June, are you familiar with this? Yes, I know what that is. It's like you start out flat on your stomach and then you raise up with your hands, but

the rest of your body is on the ground. It kind of creates a slope. Okay. I know the Cobra Pose, but not from the world of yoga. I know it from the world of voguing. Okay. Compet. It kind of creates a slope. Okay. I know the cobra pose, but not from the world of yoga. I know it from the world of voguing. Okay. Competitive voguing. There you go. So apparently I was not doing cobra

pose right. My shoulders were somewhere they weren't supposed to be. So yoga helper lady comes. She's a small woman. She's a little woman. In the world of voguing, we would say that you weren't hissy enough. Okay. Sure.

I feel like this is something you would have seen a RuPaul's Drag Race. So this tiny woman comes up and she kneels on my back. And this crushes my testicles. Just crushes my testicles against the ground. And it is so painful. And my first instinct is to cry out. Oh, my God. Ow, my balls. Oh, my God.

Of course. But I don't want to interrupt the serenity of the yoga class. I mean, part of why you go is for serenity. Oh, my dear God. So my testicles are crushed and this woman is sitting on me. Oh, my God. And I said,

I'm a little uncomfortable. I thought that was the way to broach this. Play it down the middle, yeah. See, I am already knowing. And she says, it's supposed to be. And meanwhile,

my balls are just, I'm in so much testicular pain. And I just wrote it out. Like I just wrote it out. Like I just – because, you know, those poses last a minute. And she eventually got off and my balls are fine. I checked. The problem is that a lot of the things that you would say wouldn't lead to a like let's just say you said, hey lady

you're busting my balls here. And she's like, I'm just trying to help. We all need someone to bust our balls a little bit sometimes, right? You're quite welcome. So I don't know what do I do in the future

if someone is helping me with something and it hurts my balls? Because I do know that pose a bit. Sure. I would I actually want to offer a suggestion because I would think that men getting into that pose would have to do something with their balls, like sort of tuck them in a bit more even before you get into that pose. Yeah. Am I right about that? I'm noticing a lot of stuff in yoga hurts my balls and I'm not sure if it's – I mean obviously this is just designed for someone without balls.

Like if you have balls, you're not really supposed to be doing any of this. Well, I think in a metaphorical sense the whole premise of yoga. Right, exactly. That sounds about right. Yeah. I do think physically there's something you could do. I don't know what it is, but there's something you could do to make it more comfortable with your balls. Yeah, I mean, maybe I need to like, maybe there's some sort of-

Do you have a lot of these problems with your dick and balls? I mean, I don't want to get too into it. Please, no. I'm an open book, Jesse. I know that some guys will talk about what they do with their dick and balls in various situations a lot. And I think I've got a pretty normal set of dick and balls. And I don't really have to worry about them that much. I mean, it is like just during certain physical things, dick and balls get in the way.

And this is particularly, I mean, I don't know if I have to switch underwear. I wear a boxer brief. I would think that would be the right choice. Me too. It keeps it, you know, it's not. Give you support. Yeah. So I don't know.

I don't know what to do, excuse me, A, about just in general my, you know, yoga plus balls. But also what if I need to tell someone in yoga what they're doing is hurting my balls? I think the answer is to wear an athletic cup. Oh, okay. And then ask them to kick me and then everyone will be really impressed when I don't fall down. Have you thought about asking the teacher, not the TA, but the teacher if there's something you can do differently? Like are you too – would you feel uncomfortable saying the teacher? Do you have the balls to ask that?

Do you have the balls to do that?? Do you have the balls to do that? Well, you know, the teacher is a man. Oh, great. So, yeah. I mean, obviously he has— Grape-sized balls. Just little tiny balls. So I don't know.

I don't—yeah, I'm sure he has a solution. It's just like getting the— Cocktail grapes, by the way. Right. Getting comfortable enough with this guy to ask him ball questions. Should I have just yelled at the woman? You know what I would like to see? Fucking get off my nuts, bitch. youth baseball league. Before every practice and before every game, the team had to line up and the coach in practice

or the umpire in games would have to watch while you knocked on your ball area like it was a door to prove that you were wearing an athletic cup. Wow. Is there some sort of similar ritual because they don't want kids' balls to be in. Sure. Sure, of course. And I'll tell you- You don't want that on your conscience.

In a game of softball, when I was in first grade, I was seven years old, I got balled by a ball, and I still remember vividly what happened. A line, caught a line drive to the junk from a softball, and I never – you never had to ask me twice to wear a cup again. I am so relieved that my genitalia is on the inside. Congratulations. I am. Congratulations. Well, I remember staring at my sister when I was like prepubescent and she had enormous breasts when she was in high school. And watching her like jump off a diving board or do something and being like, my god, I never want those.

Those are such a problem. You know, they do – I mean they genuinely get in the way. I believe it. Well, you've been through it. Sure, yes. Yeah, I imagine if there's a certain yoga pose where someone was sitting on your back it would it would smush the boobs to the point of well but breasts are not as i mean i'm not a very well endowed i don't have a tiny dick i've yeah well yes i have a tiny tiny penis

huge balls though huge balls so i can relate thank you But breasts are not as, you know, I don't think it's the same thing as getting hit in the boobs as hitting the balls. Yeah. From what I've seen from movies and television. Although I will say. From what Adam Sandler movies have led you to believe. Okay. Well, I'll say two things on this subject. The first is what you've seen on television is accurate.

That is like, you you know when people go, oh, and then they're rolling around on the ground? That's real. That is what it's like. Only they usually don't show people throwing up. So wait, are you... Which does happen. Are you saying that Adam Sandler

is the greatest actor of our generation? Yeah, he's our Lawrence Olivier. I only wish that he had received a knighthood by now, or at the very least a Kentucky colonelhood. That's number one. Number two, there is one really great piece of boob defensive equipment. There is a boob equivalent to the athletic cup. Did you know that?

A sports bra? No, no. This is the Xena warrior princess commemorative chain mail. It is actually, and I know this because I fenced in high school. When you are a lady fencer, you have to take the literal equivalent, direct equivalent of an athletic cup and put it inside your boob equipment. And I think it goes I think it goes between between your bra and your shirt or something like that. Or you have to tuck it into, you might even have to tuck it into your bra. And what's intense about it is that it's not, like an athletic cup is plastic, but the boob

cups are metal, which means that they're super cold. So you have to like rub them vigorously. I remember this vividly from, you know, looking into the girls' locker room. Sure, this is all very erotic. No, when the stuff got passed out, you know, at the beginning of fencing class, the girls would have to take these boob cups that they were required to wear because they would get poked in the boobs with the foil, and they would have to rub them on their legs and stuff to keep them from freezing their boobs off.

But why wouldn't there be metal like ball cups as well? Well, because I think they were originally metal, but the problem is I think that, I don't know. My guess would be, I'm just guessing here, but I,

I, as a kid was wearing a a ring on my right hand, was climbing into a passenger van. Someone didn't see that I was doing that and slammed the door. Ouch. And the ring was crushed on my finger, and my finger grew to like triple size, and they had to cut it off with a sort of can opener type thing at the hospital. Not my finger. The ring. That's why that's why I have nine fingers. I had my hand injured in a thresher accident and now I throw a really great sinker ball.

My name is Mordecai Three Finger Brown. Baseball Hall of Famer Mordecai Three Finger Brown. No, but I think that that might be something related to that. Like a plastic cup would maybe shatter rather than denting. Okay. And so it wouldn't jab into you. What I'm hearing is that breasts are just more important. Breasts are very important to me.

How about you, Jordan? Vital. Yeah, essential. Okay, so just to recap, I can pet any dog I want at any time. No. And not have to talk to a person. Jordan, if you can pretend that it is engaging you. Okay.

If I don't have to go through an ordeal to pet the dog. Yeah. I mean, if you can play it off like the dog wants you to pet it. And I think it did. Yeah. I think it liked being petted. Of course it does. It's a fucking dog.

Dogs are the best. They love it. And then also talk to my teacher about my balls. Great. And see your doctor. Yeah, yeah. I should probably also see a doctor. Have your balls changed since you started doing yoga?

Totally normal. Have they gone from cocktail to standard grape? They're more relaxed, like, you know, just more serene. Sure. Like in their just attitude. Are they more flexible? Yeah, they're better at problem solving do you think that it's possible and this is a question i mean a woman a lady who is the pose

adjuster in a yoga class she's probably just doing she's probably like an actress a writer something like that and she she just has jobs on the side that pay well by the hour and where she can set her own hours roughly. You know, she can sign up, pick up some classes here and there. Do you think it's possible that she just got mixed up because she had just come from the dungeon? Oh, maybe. Maybe she's also a dominatrix because, I mean, yeah, what was happening to me, I would imagine, would really turn on a masochist. I think ball crushing is an important part of that, isn't it? No, I mean, yeah, what was happening to me I would imagine would really turn on a masochist.

I think ball crushing is an important part of that, isn't it? No, I think so. Sure. And that – I mean obviously it didn't injure me long term. So I guess that is a safe – It's not obvious. I'm glad to hear it. Sure.

It's a safe form of ball crushing. I mean I got a pretty good look at your balls right before we started. Right. Not like the full examination. You didn't slow down the car. Make me feel assured that there was no permanent damage. What is upsetting about this story, though, is I can't imagine how much pleasure she was taking in just sitting on your back and knowing you were really getting it. I have this pose.

He is. That's what's so upsetting is that she was loving every second of it. I'm doing God's work. Yep. I'm doing the Lord's work out here. Yep. I think you've got to hold on after class. If it's more than just this one thing where your balls just say.

That was the most extreme example, but yes. Or you know what else? You know what you might consider doing? Just head over to Lululemon. Ask the sales lady, do you have any ball specific garments? Do you have any ball management garments? Yeah, I think maybe you have to wear some tighty whities, some real tight undies in there. I do look good in those.

Keep everything right and tight. Are your boxer briefs the kind that are more boxery or more briefy? They're more a brief than they are a boxer. So they should have the support they need. Maybe I'd be a... 100% cotton or is there some spandex in there? There's a little spandex. Yeah, I mean, everything's checking out here, Jordan.

Everything you say is right as rain. I think you're going to have to go to Lululemon, go to Under Armour, and see what they've got in a compression trouser for this purpose. Because you've got to keep them high and tight. Yeah. Can't I just go to that restaurant and order the I am invincible in my balls? You are invincible in your balls. My balls are invincible? You're invincible in your balls. My balls are invincible? You're invincible in your balls.

Your balls are invincible, they say, when they serve me my quinoa salad. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Raphael, ball crusher. Jordan, Jesse Goh this week brought to you by Ask Metafilter online at ask.metafilter.com. That would actually be a pretty solid place for you to go. Yeah, no, actually I might join up with old Ask Metafilter online at ask.metafilter.com. That would actually be a pretty solid place for you to go. Yeah, no, actually I might join up with old Ask Metafilter to ask about yoga and ball injuries. They'll let you do it anonymously if you have a good reason.

I mean, I think it would be a good promo for the show. No, I'll use my real name. Okay, great. Yeah. Your screen name will just be Jordan D. Morris. Ball problem. Yeah. All one word.

Because most of what I'll be posting about is probably ball related. I would recommend at the least just Googling yoga balls on Ask Metafilter. You know, search for it. They got a little search box up there. And I think you'll find a Q&A that already works. We're also brought to you by Bing. Yes. Use Bing to search the web and your own social media networks with the new social search sidebar,

allowing you to ask your friends as well as the experts. Try it online at Bing.com. Bing is for doing. Bing. Love it. Sure. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Some Jumbotron stuff this week as well.

Oh, yes, we do. Acker Works. These guys actually have made, they're two loyal Max Funsters who have made special little pins for Max FunCon two years in a row. What they do is they fabricate things in wood using lasers. Oh, great. Isn't that cool? That sounds terrific. If I needed some wood altered,

I would probably want them to be using lasers. They make all kinds of cool stuff, little toys, presentation items, stuff for industrial purposes, like all kinds of stuff. But their expertise is in manufacturing things out of wood. Fantastic. Yeah. The stuff that they've made for us is just the coolest stuff ever. So, you know, I think if you're looking for something like that, you couldn't go wrong with Ackerworks online at Ackerworks.com.

A-K-E-R-W-O-R-K-S. You can see the stuff they have there, including but not limited to musical instruments, toys, and other doodads. Also, another sponsor this week on the Jumbotron, Mustache Rangers. They are podcasters and improvisers that mix in the space adventures of Buck Rogers with the awkward humor of Curb Your Enthusiasm or mix Buck Rogers and Samuel Beckett if you're a smart person. Basically, Buck Rogers, basically Curb Your Enthusiasm and Samuel Beckett are essentially the same, right? I think essentially, yes. Yes. Named the best podcast of 2011 by Minneapolis St. Paul Magazine, the Mustache Rangers have over five years of podcast archives to enjoy for zero monies. Visit MustacheRangers.com or search Mustache Rangers in iTunes. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org or any of our podcasts. And if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio.

Sweet. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. June, Diane Raphael. Awesome. June's in this mood because in the break,

we were talking about it's, it's. I was going to say, it's it. Oh, man.Its. I was going to say Itz-It. Oh, man. That's all I was thinking about. Have you ever had an Itz-It? Yeah, I have.

They're tasty. Oh, they're so good. Totally tasty. You know what? They're a great thing to show up to a dinner party or some such with because a lot of people don't know what they are and haven't had them. Yeah, local delicacy. Yeah. Oh, those are good.

That's special. I'm really proud. I am not proud of Rice-A-Roni, but I am very. And I don't think that Rice-A-Roni actually is a San Francisco treat. I don't know what its connection to San Francisco is at all besides claiming to be the San Francisco treat. Yeah. So they're not manufactured anywhere near San Francisco. Not that I know of.

But it's its art. You don't go on a field trip to the Rice-A-Roni factory? My wife's grandpa, Itzitz are manufactured, I want to say, in Burlingame, California, just south of San Francisco. And somewhere right there on the 101, right near the airport. And my wife's grandpa was best friends with, she's not sure because it was a long time ago, but either the president or owner or something of It's It. And not only did he have a giant pool that she was allowed to go swimming at, but he had an outdoor freezer that was always full of It's Its. And you could always get one.

You were always allowed to get one. I love the name, too, because it is it. Yeah. It's just it. It's a home it. Yeah. It's just it. It's a home run every time. It is just it every single time. Where do you get them outside of San Francisco? I get them at Ralph's.

Yeah, you can get them in other places that are—you can get them here in Southern California. I get mine at Food for Less. Okay. I've never seen them outside of California, but maybe they are. I think they do—they stretch into some other western states. Good. They should. Because they're tremendous.

I mean, it's just as good as it gets. What it is is sort of a dense, chewy oatmeal cookie with ice cream in between that's dipped in chocolate. And it all comes out even better than that sounds. I don't even like oatmeal cookies. Me neither. And it's the best thing. Oh, it's just the best. I'll never have an oatmeal cookie on its own.

Yeah. And it's also, there's something about the, it's dipped in chocolate, but isn't there a crunch to the outside too? Yeah, there's a- Or is that just a part of the cookie? It has that nice, like an ice cream cone that's been dipped. It's got that kind of crackle feeling. And the packages, there's only usually like four in a package. There's three in a box.

There's three in a box. There's three in a box. Which makes me feel like there's just amazing quality control. I have no idea if that's true or not, but I feel like it's it. And it's really happens. They are, each one has to go through some sort of integrity test. I used to like cook a lot and stuff, and I'm getting back to that now slowly, but the baby really kicked my ass. And for quite some time, my wife and I have been like our big treat in our lives is there's literally no – this is a special thing about Los Angeles.

There are literally zero restaurants that will deliver food to our house. Not even the Pizza Hut that's like three- quarters of a mile away will deliver to us. So upsetting. So we'll call Fulieros, the local pizzeria, put in an order. On the way up to Fulieros, I will stop at Food for Less, get a box of Itzits, three Itzits, then go to Fulieros, and I'll get cash from the checkout at the Food for Less. Go to full Yarrow's. It's cash only.

Okay. Pay for my pizza. Come back. We'll have pizza and Itzits. That is like the most special thing in my life. It's a great night. It's as good as it gets. As good as it gets.

Yeah. I do appreciate also... Do you guys also rent good as it gets? Yes. And every time we rent as good as it gets. Yeah. I appreciate an Italian restaurant that only takes cash. I feel like they're doing something right.

I think almost all of the restaurants in my neighborhood only take cash. I think that it is because there's a lot of credit card fraud. I don't know. There's a lot of credit card fraud. I don't know. I get the impression that maybe like it's a combination of some of the restaurants are run by immigrants who don't have the necessary paperwork to get a credit card account or something. Like they manage like the real estate market in my neighborhood is such that they'll sort of it's like those car lots that will sell you a car without a driver's license. Right. And they have a big sign that says, no driver's license necessary to buy a car here.

We will take cash. So it's like that for real estate. But MasterCard doesn't know about that. Right. They don't know what they're leaving on the table. And so, yeah, it's almost all cash only at the restaurants. I guess it just makes me feel like it's an authentic immigrant dining experience. Absolutely.

Food first, business second. Thank you. I get mad at everything that doesn't take credit cards except restaurants. And then I feel bad if I want to pay with a credit card at a non-credit card restaurant. Everything else, I'll get a little pissy about it. Like if I'm leaving a parking garage and they're like cash only, I'll be a little bit of a dick about it. But a restaurant, I'm like, oh God, I'm so sorry.

Is there an ATM around somewhere? Yeah, I'm really respectful of that. And a parking garage is a place where you're paying a $4 bill. So 20% of that money would be going to the credit card company if they did take credit cards. Yeah, well, you know, I got to tell you, if you want to go to some cash-only restaurants, come to my neighborhood. Let's go to La Abeja. Let's go to Follieros. Sure.

You know, let's go get some pupusas. Sure. Let's go to Papa Pollo. Papa Pollo did take credit cards, but their credit card machine has been broken for like two months. I just never – well, you must always have to have cash on you now because I never have cash on me. I just got to roll deep with the cash. But it's – I mean I've been selling drugs on the street as well. You like to make it rain when you go into these places too, right?

That's the other thing. And I mean all these places have strippers. So I try and keep a lot of ones in my pocket. June, it has been a joy to have you on our program. Thank you for having me. It is always a joy to see June Diane Rayfield. Yes. I agree.

I agree. It's just like that was just such a fact. You know, it's like how do you respond to something that is just understood? Like if I said, hey, guys, inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, you wouldn't know what to say to that because it's just understood. It's that easy. Right. You know what I like to inhale? The good vibes from June Diane Raphael.

Yeah. Silence? Silence again. It's true. It's true. Because it's a simple, plain fact. It's just a fact. It's just a fact. You can catch. It's neither. It's true. Because it's a simple, plain fact. It's just a fact. It's just a fact.

You can catch. It's neither here nor there. You can catch June on her hit podcast, How Did This Get Made, with our friend Paul Scheer, et al., discussing terrible films and not quite terrible films, just deeply problematic, often deeply flawed films. Yeah, that's right. That's about right. Or just crazy films. Or just insanity. Yeah, that's right. That's about right. Or just crazy films.

Or just insanity. Yeah. Just pure insanity. Yeah, I would say the primary mode of rhetoric on that program is Marvel. Yes. Just a sort of competitive

marveling at something, at the strange choices that have been made in a given piece of cinematic entertainment. It's a delightful show. She's also on The Burning Love, which is as funny as it gets.

Anything else exciting happening for you right now, June? That's two pretty good things. Yeah, those are two pretty good plugs. Burning Love, you can watch on burninglove.com. You're also getting plugs. And I am getting hair plugs. God, I need them. I can't wait.

Your widow's peak is out of control. I can't wait to fill this in. Yeah, geez, what are you, the Addams Family and the new Addams Family sitcom? Yeah, so. Can I put you guys an idea that I have for a gag cartoon? Yeah. Okay, so it's a courtroom scene.

And what's the dad of the Addams Family named? Morticia? Gomez. Gomez. Yeah. So Gomez is on the stand and there's a lawyer cross-interpreting. This is like a New Yorker

cartoon. Yeah, it's like a New Yorker cartoon. Maybe for Playboy. Who knows? Oh, because it's going to be a little randy. Let's not limit it right now. It's not going to be randy, but I'm just saying it, you know, different places carry gag cartoons. So it's Gomez on the stand and

then the lawyer who's cross-examining him says, All right, Mr. Adams, tell me, explain to us one more time how this family of yours started. I don't get it. Because it started when Uncle Fester farted. What? What are you talking about? Why are they in a courtroom? The Adams family started when Uncle Fester farted. What? What are you talking about? Why are they in a courtroom? The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted.

Why are they in a courtroom? Brian, is this? What are you talking? Did it? Because they. Brian is shaking his head at me. God damn it. People are going to email you two and say, I got it.

This is going to be worse than when I confused Charisma Carpenter and Elijah Dushku. No, what are you talking? I don't get it. This is going to be worse than when I confused Charisma Carpenter and Elijah Dushku. No, what are you talking? I don't get it. You know, the Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted. So he's just being cross-examined about because- Those aren't the lyrics to the- The jury's- That song doesn't have lyrics, though.

The jury's not going to- The jury's doesn't believe it when he says that the Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted. I guess the questions that are coming up for me are why are we in court? Or, okay, well, how about this? Those aren't the words to the song, though. That song doesn't have words. It's an interrogation. No, the Adams family started when Uncle Fester farted.

I don't know the rest of it. That's the most important part. I know it. Is that? Are those the words of the theme song? Yes, and now they're all retarded. Yeah. The Addams Family.

What? They don't say retarded. This is a, they don't say retarded. This was made in the 50s. They're not going to say retarded in a theme song. Number one, it was not made in the 50s. It was made in the 60s. Okay.

Number two, yes, they are, they, look, have either, have either of you... I'm not. Look, I'm not going to... It's a great idea for a gag strip. Okay. I'm going to get together with David Mamet, who pitches gag strips to the New Yorker all the time and has never had one accepted. In the theme song, they say the family's retarded? That's like...

It's like... It's not the actual theme song. It's just sort of like... It's like, happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You look like a monkey and you smell like one too. It's like that. It's like that.

Those, of course, aren't the words to happy birthday, but everybody knows that. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like Commissioner Gordon in Batman, Robin laid an egg. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. I kind of do. So this is something that like kids would sing on the playground. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. I kind of do. So this is something that kids would sing on the playground. Exactly.

You know what? I regret that I said this on the show. I still want to know why they're in court. But it's not. Yeah, what did they do? Is it like a copyright lawsuit? Some shit went down. I don't know.

They could also be in a police interrogation room. But you're saying that I'm in the minority because I don't know that They could also be in like a police interrogation room. But you're saying that I'm in the minority because I don't know that that alternate version of the song. And the detective is writing notes. The detective is writing notes and Gomez is in the bright lights of the interrogation room. How about that? Has someone died in the family? I want to be clear. The reason that I regret saying this here is not because you two were too stupid to get it. It was because someone else is now going to take my idea and run with it and become a millionaire.

How much money do you make? Let's say it got published in Playboy. So if you get published in Playboy, I think you probably get $500. That sounds about right. However, in addition to that $500, you got ancillary revenue streams, T-shirts. Oh, sure. Gag a day calendar. It's only the one gag. Same gag.

Well, I only have one gag. Okay. So how much does one gag out of a gag a day calendar, how much money do you think you'd get for that? No, it's on all of the days. That's for that? No, it's on all of the days. That's the thing. Oh, it's on all of the days. It's the Uncle Fester farted gag a day calendar. I see.

So it's got Uncle Fester on there. And they don't show a fart. It's not like fart lines. But he's got one eyebrow raised. You know what just happened. You know what's up. You know what just farted? Because we're all on the same page.

We all know about what happened, how the Addams Family got started. Huh. You could have a book, The Origins of the Addams Family. Yeah. I don't think everyone knows this song. A miniseries? I do think, Jordan, a lot of people do know this song. That I will give you.

I think a lot of people know this song. And also, it's a really great gag. I mean, it's a really airtight, solid gag. I'm still not understanding. Well, technically, it's not air great gag. I mean, it's a really airtight, solid gag. I'm still not understanding. Technically, it's not airtight because of, you know. Yeah, that's okay. I do know about farting. Yeah, this thing is great.

Can't it just be members of the Addams Family farting? Is that the same thing? No, that's literal. It's like a show-don't-tell thing. You have to let the audience put the pieces together unless they are like the Addams family retarded shouldn't though he be sort of like making a family tree with someone i guess i'm still getting tripped up on like why we're setting the stakes are too low then the state you gotta keep you gotta have high stakes right you gotta get the stakes up he could be at the mormon you know trying to figure out if he's getting into Mormon heaven.

And the Mormon elder who's putting together his family tree asks it. But conveying that visually would be relatively complicated. Why is this Mormon heaven? Yeah. Everyone just has to have like short-sleeved shirts and ties or something. Who knew that the Addams Family were Mormons? I don't think that comes across in the show. Right.

But I mean, we'd have to convey it in the cartoon. In the world of the cartoon. I mean the cartoon is non-canonical. Okay. So it's not part of the continuity of the show. Does it take place in the same universe as the Super Nintendo game Fester's Quest? Yes. Okay.

It's in the Super Nintendo game. Oh, now I like it. Right. So it is in the Fester's Quest world. It is also in – The Fester's Quest world. It is also in- The Fester's Questiverse. It's also taking place in that world, not the Broadway musical. Right.

But yes, the MC Hammer song. Okay. Adam's Family Values does take place in this world, but the original Adam's Family movie takes place in the other world, in the TV world. This is all on Earth 616, right? No, it's on Bizarro World. Okay. Well, never mind.

I only get involved with projects that take place on Earth 616. It's part of the Ultimate Universe. Oh. It has a Latino Spider-Man. Okay. Anyway, 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address. Brian Fernandez, Manning the Boards.

Thank you, Brian. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.