Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 230: Laser Gun with Brian Huskey

Episode Date: July 2, 2012

Brian Huskey joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of outdoor malls, Jimmy Buffet, and motion capture.  Also, listener and pentathlete Donna Vakalis calls in to talk about the Olympics, horse blind dates, and laser guns.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Mr. Brian Husky and by a real live Olympic athlete. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Another beautiful day in Los Angeles. I got a little overexposed in the sun, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Another beautiful day in Los Angeles. I got a little overexposed in the sun though, Jordan. I'm not going to lie to you.

Oh, yeah? It's a little dark in here. I can't see your coloring. I'm feeling a little peaked. I think I may have gotten a mild burn. I did eventually think to put on some baby sunblock. Oh, good. It was the only kind that was available was baby sunblock, so you just put a little on.

Does that help in case you're getting colicky? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, good. It's a dual purpose sunblock. Yeah, and I also- Protects against the sun. I also use it when I can't find my binky. Right, when you're fussy.

Yeah, sure, just in general. Hungry, tired, I need a nap. Whatever. Wow. These, I mean, I had no idea these baby lotions did so many things. Sure. If there's a mess in my dighty, that's when I'll bust out the baby suntan. What does that do for the dighty mess?

It just makes me feel better about the whole thing. Oh, okay. About being a grown man who shit his pants. Gotcha. Just on the bottle, there's a fun character saying, you're doing all right. Let's introduce our guest. He's a legendary improviser, a television and internet actor, a sketch comedian. You might have seen him recently on Burning Love or Veep.

I enjoyed him very much on Veep. Thank you. Mr. Brian Husky. Hi, Brian Husky. Hi, guys. It's nice to have you on the show. I'm thrilled. I think I may have emailed you about this, but I really enjoyed your turn on the television program Veep.

Oh, thank you so very much. I loved it. I loved that show. I love it. Good. How do you feel about Veep? I could take it or leave it. Right.

Whether they have me back is how I feel about it. But your character, I think your character is a recurring character. I think so. I think your character is going to pop up. His character, by the way, is a Washington gadfly. Yeah. Based on it. I did not see this particular Veep.

Oh, you have to see Veep two and veep six. Those are your veeps. Those are my veeps. No, maybe. I beg your pardon. Right. I'm pleading for your pardon. I don't.

Just to let you know, I do not pardon that easily. I know. Ask all the men I've sentenced to death. I know. I know your track record. This isn't a Bill Clinton 1999 type situation over here with Jordan. Sure. Please. But, yeah, they

it might be episode seven. Okay. Because some things got moved around. I was supposed to be in three episodes and they combined one. So you're saying it's kind of touch and go with your Veep. Well, you know what? I mean, I don't want to talk over the listeners' heads, but in the business, it gets crazy. Right. Okay. Well, especially when Frank business, it gets crazy. Right. Okay?

Well, especially when Frank Rich is involved. Yeah. When the rich man comes in, when Richie Rich is saying things are happening. You know, celebrity columnist slash Veep executive producer, Frank Rich. Former New York Times film critic or no, theater critic. Theater critic. Super nice guy. Yeah. His son is one of the funniest people that I've ever known, Simon Rich, a longtime Saturday Night Live writer and regular contributor to The New Yorker.

Oh, wow. Yeah, you can tell. If you're ever wondering, is this a shouts and murmur piece by Simon Rich? Uh-huh. A good way to tell is first read it. And if it's funny, check to see if it says Jack Handy at the top. If it doesn't, then it's by Simon Rich. Gotcha. Gotcha. I see the differentiation.

It's a good system. Yeah. There's a lot of mentions of Kierkegaard. It's probably Woody Allen. Woody Allen. I was going to say Sartre. See, that's some great talking points that I can have with Frank the next time we're sitting down. Yeah, you can talk about how – I sincerely – I'm not joking about Simon Rich.

Simon Rich is super funny. Yeah. Super funny. His books – he's got three books, I believe, on one, two, three, yes, I think, or two. Yeah, two books of essays and a novel. Yeah. They're hilarious. I always thought he was British.

Uh-huh. It's the most British name in the world. Simon. Yeah. Yeah. There's a director named Tristam Shapiro who is sort of like, oh, this guy. And he's British. You're so British.

Well, not the end there. That's all right. He turned wrong somewhere. But if he was Tristam Rich, that is the most British. I actually got overexposed in the sun because I went to the mall, the outdoor mall here in Los Angeles, specifically the Americana at Brand in Glendale, California. Yeah, the Glendale version of the Grove, guys. Yeah.

This is a new type of mall they have here in Los Angeles. Yeah, I know. I'm familiar with the Grove, but I didn't know that— It's exactly like the Grove. Okay. You know what it is? It's a lifestyle mall. It's a lifestyle mall where they sell – you can buy property.

And if you are hanging out in your apartment 20 feet away from a shopping experience and you need to get out and shop and then go immediately home and think about shopping again and then going back out, this is the place for you. What it is is it's the key element. is is it's an it's the it's the key element they've taken the idea of a of a mixed use development a live work loft type situation and they've removed all of the stores that you need to go to in your day-to-day so there's a lane bryant and a dance studio is what you're saying well there's also a water feature which oh okay sure which sure. Which is what, just as in the Grove here in Los Angeles, there is this dancing fountain. Oh, my gosh. And they play on speakers. They play Frank Sinatra music.

Well, that's the other thing I was going to say. If you are Frank Sinatra fetishist or maybe you've got some kind of like Asperger's thing where Frank Sinatra is the only thing that's going to calm you down. You have to live there because that's all they play. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is I thought that was all they play at this mall because I'm so you hear it to Frank Sinatra and it is all that type of big band music, vocal big band music. But there's no Ella Fitzgerald. There's no none of the other.

There's no Sarah Vaughan. It's just Frank Sinatra and then weird contemporary versions of that music. Of Frank Sinatra. So you're saying maybe a Buble will slip in there. Yes. I heard. Or Frank Sinatra Jr. Okay.

Because he does his dad's songs now. I heard they played, as though it were a real song, a swing version of the theme from the cartoon show Spider-Man. Wow. Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Well, if there's a movie theater in here, they're probably getting people pumped for the reboot. Maybe that's part of it. Got that reboot coming out soon. Yeah, so you think.

He sees all the mac and cheese. Was there also a song playing about how Ted is adorable but also outrageous? What if a bear came to life and took you for a ride? Saying all rated things with his cute mouth. So there is this huge fountain in this. Is Mario Lopez constantly making a TV show in front of it? Yeah, basically. That's basically the situation. I think he literally does in The Grove, right? He does in The Grove. Yeah, yeah.

That's the one thing that they haven't worked up to there, because it's in Glendale. They don't have the sort of like Today Show appearances. They have the Armenian Mario Lopez. Yeah, sure. He's reporting on all the latest Domino's celebrities. And they have singers whose music is only available on cassettes and stuff.

And then System of a Down. Every week, the musical guest, System of a Down. Or some other metal band with braided goatees. Right, right. Or some other metal band with braided goatees. Right, right. I mean, I had not been to – I had not been to – I had never been to this place. And I had not been to The Grove in a year or two.

Sure. It's the kind of place that you really would only choose to go to if you had to go to J.Crew for something. Yes. Yeah. It's a – right. It's a – It's a real nightmare. Sure. It's totally a nightmare.

Or you have relatives visiting from town and you are running out of stuff because you go to the farmer's market. Yeah, sure, sure. That's delightful. That's cute. Let's go over here. They'll have a little maybe Jimmy Buffett cover band out there sometimes. They had a Jimmy Buffett cover band this morning. Did they literally?

Yes. Oh, my God. That's great. Yeah, literally. That's great. Then they did. First, they were doing Margaritaville. They segued from Margaritaville into, and I have to tell you, this was a three-piece.

Okay. They were wearing black head to toe, which poor them because it was 85 degrees outside. It's an odd choice for a Jimmy Buffett cover band. That was their agreement when they started it. Oh, okay. When they did Jimmy Buffett, Round the Clock. Well, one of the guys wanted it to be a Nine Inch Nails cover band, and they decided to compromise. Yeah, so one guy wanted it to be a Nine Inch Nails cover band.

The other guy wanted it to be a Barenaked Ladies cover band, and they just met halfway. Yeah. Which is exactly Jimmy Buffett. Or they also knew when they were going to the Jimmy Buffett cover band conventions in Las Vegas. Oh, sure. Or down in Key West. The only way to differentiate them was that they wore black. All the other guys were wearing their Hawaiian shirts.

These guys were wearing black all the time. So they sang. Because Jimmy Buffett's music does have an undercurrent of darkness. Yeah, there is. I mean, yeah. Wasting away. Wasting away. Only eating hamburgers.

Yeah. What's the one about the guy putting out the personal ad? Does he have more than one song? Oh, I want someone to kill my neighbor. Oh, yeah, that's the one. That's the one. $2,000. The only thing that gets me hard are screams.

I'm thinking, oh, God, I just want to figure out this song before I go nuts and get a deluge of internet corrections. If you like Pina Coladas. The Pina Coladas song.

Yeah. That's a dark song. That's about infidelity. Is that a Jimmy Buffett song? Oh, I don't know. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. Brian Fernandez,

our producer, I'm going to have him see if that's a Jimmy Buffett song. I don't think it is. But I'm going to tell you I'm going to have him see if that's a Jimmy Buffett song. I don't think it is. But I'm going to tell you what this – so it's three guys. If it's not, Jimmy Buffett's got a lawsuit on his hands because there's – Seems like.

There's three – It is. It is. Confirmed. King of Poles. King of Poles. I have no idea. It doesn't sound like him.

It's a much more – I mean – It sounds exactly like him. No. What's different about that? It's a little more, I mean. It sounds exactly like him. No. What's different about that? It's a little more groovy and sexy. I think what Brian found out, I think Brian found out that Jimmy Buffett has recorded the Piña Colada song. Yes. But it is not, the hit version is not a Jimmy Buffett's version.

Thank you. And he says we're absolutely correct. This is all through hand gestures we're trying to figure out. I like that he's not using the talkback button to report this information to us. He's just trying to play a game of charades through the window. Because there's nothing that's more compelling on audio than hearing the host describe hand gestures. Okay, Brian says he didn't know that he could punch in into our earphones. So, Brian, who originally recorded the Pina Colada song?

Rupert Holmes. Rupert Holmes. Rupert Holmes. Rupert Holmes. It's known as Escape. Escape, parentheses, the Pina Colada song. Okay. And that was a rally cry of sexual freedom in the 70s. You know, like, just step outside the marriage

and get what you need. Sure. Put out a personal ad. I love how you keep trying... We are not going to let you finish. Sorry. There are these three dudes in the band. Your Sunburn story. There are these three dudes in the band, right?

And they're wearing, oh, these poor guys are wearing all black. It's like one 65-year-old drummer, one like 29-year-old bassist. Who is his stepson. Yeah. Exactly. And, you know, like maybe a 50-year-old guitarist slash singer. And they segued, I shit you not, directly from Margaritaville into the Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions song, People Get Ready, about the civil rights movement. These three weird white guys wearing all black, dressed like waiters in the lowest rent restaurant in history.

I mean, maybe the theme was civil rights. Jimmy Buffett was, yeah, he was on that. Margaritaville is a kind of utopia where there's no color, only getting nice and faded. Yeah. You know who, guys, you know who doesn't judge? You know who doesn't have any prejudice? Hammocks. The great equalizer.

Yep. So I think the defining experience, though, of my trip to the Americana at Brand, besides noticing that one of the streets in there is named after the guy who developed all these places. Funny. Who is that? His name is Rick Caruso. John Maul? It's on Caruso Street. Nice.

It's like one of those weird sort of semi-not-really-a-streets that abuts the— It's a delivery driveway. Exactly. But it has a huge sign right out there on brand. Well, I also love that they have that little trolley car. Yeah. And they give a spoken tour of it. So they'll pick you up at one end and drive you in a horseshoe shape to the other end.

Here's the Pinkberry. Is it like a historical tour? Yeah. I think it starts out as historical and then they talk about how reasonable the lofts are and what the lifestyle here is. Sure. Anthropology is right here. You might not have that in Iowa City. It's too bohemian.

Too bohemian. And over here is the Apple Store where Channing Tatum was once spotted at the Genius Bar. Big day for us. Big day for us. So there's this huge water feature in the center of this place, right? And it goes, you know, spurts up and down and does little dances. And I saw a sign on the water feature, like around the rim of it. The sign is maybe, I don't know, 8 by 12, something like that, horizontally oriented.

It just says on it, wet. It's a warning that the fountain is wet. Yeah, it's like what happened that they had to put up that sign? Right. Because, I mean, you know. A vampire came to visit. Right. Is that what can't get wet, a vampire?

Gremlins, I think you're thinking of. Gremlins. A gremlin. No, I think classically it's a witch, right? I guess, yeah, the Wicked Witch. The Wicked Witch. a gremlin no i think classically it's a witch right what i guess yeah the wicked witch which the wicked witch well they were what happened is they were filming gremlins 3 there's somebody somebody thought well let's put all the gremlins into this water feature oh we don't have this is a safe this is a safe place for the gremlin yeah and then it

destroyed the entire production but you know like i just think it's really cool that the guy who's making Gremlins 3 isn't just going CGI because, you know, that's how everything's going these days. I don't know if anybody saw this. I mean, it's hard to train gremlins. Yeah, but, you know, it's great. It's tangible. It looks like you can touch them. And he's using the original gremlins that haven't really been cleaned up or taken care of for this production. Yeah, these gremlins are a mess.

So it's lit really low. that haven't really been cleaned up or taken care of for this production. Yeah, these gremlins are a mess. So it's lit really low. It sort of looks like a Scorsese, like a godfather. They've been living in the sewers of Paris. Yeah. In the catacombs, the Paris catacombs. I mean, it's funny that you mentioned Scorsese because, I mean, his big passion is film restoration. Yes. I mean, I hear he's also campaigning for gremlin restoration.

The AFI? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, let's preserve G-I. Let's preserve American's Gremlins. We'll be back

in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goe, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, guess what? We have a sponsor on this week's program, IFC and Comedy Bang Bang with Scott Aukerman. It's an absurd half-hour comedy show that only looks like a talk show. Comedy so nice they banged it twice. Featuring

Brian Husky. Hi guys. Friday nights at 10, 9 central on IFC. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Brian Husky, elder statesman. Yeah. Huh?

He is. How about that one? Oh, that's a good one, Brian. Thank you. You're welcome. I really wanted to fit in. So you're like one of those, I mean, it reminded me of those lovable old gremlins on the set of Gremlins 3. They're kind of the elder statesmen of the monster world.

Oh, sure. May they rest in peace. Oh, boy. They're coming. No, they're rising. They're like Jesus figures to me. They're coming back for sure. Oh, yeah. May they rest in peace. Oh, boy. They're coming. No, they're rising. They're like Jesus figures to me. They're coming back. Oh, really?

I mean, if you throw them in that wet fountain. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Listen, we have a guest on the line. So maybe instead of talking about gremlins, we should talk to her. We're about to get in. I mean, we could just talk to her about gremlins.

It's not her area of expertise. Let's talk about the religious symbolism in gremlins. Right. Her area of expertise. Let's talk about the religious symbolism in Gremlins. Right. So a couple weeks ago on the show, we had one of our all-time greatest momentous occasions, which was a young lady who called in on the occasion of simultaneously having been accepted at her graduate school of choice and having been accepted to represent her nation at the Olympic Games.

Holy shitballs. Right? Yeah. Right? And she's joining us on the line now. Her name, Donna Vicalis. Hi. I said it wrong, probably.

No, that was good. That was good. Thanks. Okay. Vicalis, right? Hi, Donna. How are you? That was closer.

That was closer. How are you, Donna? I'm doing well. I'm doing really well. Donna, when you called and we were discussing your call, there was some debate over what goes into the modern pentathlon. Can you

clarify what exactly goes on in this event? I can, yep. Number one, it's phone-freaking. So it's a five-sport from the Greek word for five, the penta part. And the five sports, I think that you got them right in the end. But it's fencing, and then swimming, a 200-meter freestyle race, and then show jumping, which is on a horse that we've never met before.

You get to know the horse that day, and you have a strict 20-minute warm-up with them. Blind date jumping? Yeah, I know. It's not like any other riding event in that sense. So just 15 minutes in, you ask the horse, so any brothers or sisters? You whisper in their ear, I hate horses. Let's do this.

Horses run faster when they're filled with rage. When they're angry about their rider. Right. Well, maybe some horses like it like that. I don't know. That's true. It varies from horse to horse. I'd look at their internet history.

Their IMDB page. So a fencing, swimming, horse. Wait, there's two more. There's the run and. Their IMDB page. So a fencing swimming course. Wait, there's two more. There's the run and shoot, which are combined. So it's a little bit like a summer version of the biathlon, but instead we run on a cross-country course, and then we shoot a laser pistol. Wow.

I didn't know it was a laser. That is the modern. Now I like it more. Wow. And this all takes place in a virtual universe, right? So that's the other modern element. And then Tron comes in. The soundtrack is provided by Daft Punk, right?

That's just always playing. Oh, that would be so good. That would be good. How do you – okay, so that is – those are all very specific, amazing things. How did they decide to combine all of those? And then how do you – like what is the interrelation in training for them? Or is it just all like get ready to do a shit ton of weird stuff because it's on? Ladies and gentlemen, start darning.

Ladies and gentlemen, start darning. Well, it actually was conceptualized for the 1912 Olympics, so exactly 100 years ago they started it. And it was meant to sort of be, there was this legacy of the ancient Olympic Games that had a pentathlon where it was just men and they did things like threw javelins and wrestled and had a foot race. And all these skills were thought to be really useful in military service. So in 1912, the guy who was putting together the modern Olympics also conceived of this modern pentathlon.

But by modern, he meant modern 1912 military man. So that's where they got the event from. The modern pentathlon now would include Minecraft. Yeah. The modern pentathlon now would be like drones, riding drone bombs from a computer.

Getting some money to help with your education. Wow. So how long is the road up to this point for you? Like how long have you been going for it? Well, I don't have a usual path because I started as an athlete as a really young person. I was a competitive swimmer and then a rider and then got into pentathlon when I was 12 years old. But when I was 15, I thought I was really old and I decided to quit sport and spent a long time not doing any sports.

And then I got back into it just before the 2008 Olympics. So in 2007, I came back to compete internationally and have been kind of gunning for it since then. So how long did you take off in between? About nine years. No, ten years. Holy moly. Man.

For that time you were... Just eating pizza. I'm looking at my notes here. For that time you were one of the singers for Black Flag? At that time, you were one of the singers for Black Flag? I was working on other skills like skateboarding and playing drums and eating vegan pizza, maybe a lot of it. Is part of your quest to make so many boys fall in love with you as just like a dream girl? She drums, she skates.

That would be a worthy quest, I think. Wow. Okay, so originally you were a swimmer and a horse rider. Yeah. So originally you were super good at what might be called the summer camp sports. Oh, you forgot roasting marshmallows. Right, macaroni art. God's eyes.

So what did you just... Canoe makeout. Did you just hear... That's the last one we should do. Did you just hear... Did you just hear, like, was there like an ad in the newspaper that said, and we should explain that you're Canadian. Was there just an ad in the newspaper that said, Canada seeks pentathletes?

We should try that. Maybe we'd get some. We didn't. There wasn't. I followed, actually. I followed another. So when I was riding, I was riding at my friend's farm. And I don't know how she got into pentathlon, but she was doing

it, and I just kind of followed her into it. She got a laser pistol for Christmas one year. What is a laser pistol? Is it just have a laser, like you just shoot a laser or like a Star Wars laser that will blow people up? It looks just like an air pistol. I don't know if you've seen an air pistol before, but it looks just like a really fancy air pistol.

But the top barrel has been replaced with like a plexiglass clear box that contains a laser in it, but it also has a circuit board that communicates wirelessly with the target. Wow. wirelessly with the target. And so you line up your laser gun, and then you shoot it, but you only get one little beam of light to let the computer know that you hit the target? Yep. It will only flash its little red beam of light when you pull the trigger. And at that point, there's a computer that gives us all kinds of data feedback right in front of us, and we can see where the shot fell. And if it's a hit, then we get, that's one hit, and you need five hits to be able to leave your

station. This sounds like it would be fun in kind of an inflatable environment for a 13-year-old's birthday. Right. Well, I was actually going to say, have you been recruited by the government to be an assassin yet? Or does that come after the Olympics? Yeah. Is that based on what medal you win? Like a gold medal? Oh, maybe that's why she's going to the Olympics.

Maybe there's some dignity. She's going to. Oh, she's going to. She's going to kill. Oh, yeah. She's going to kill Oh, yeah. She's going to kill that evil dignitary. You know the one. She's going to take down

President Assad of Syria. Oh, you know who it is? It's Danny Boyle because he's planning the opening ceremony. Are you going to assassinate Academy Award winning director Danny Boyle? I can't answer that. You know what? Understood.

Totally fair. Understood. I think we should change the subject. Wait, wait. What does that dot on our – we have a dots on our – So you were just hanging – Avenge our death, listeners. I don't know what that sound is.

Most of our listeners are biathletes, so a lot of them are super good. The problem is if we don't get assassinated in an alpine environment, then we are fucked. Like in an alpine environment. What do you do at the Max FunCon thing? That's a good idea. I would love to get assassinated there. Max FunCon Europe? That's a good idea. I would love to get assassinated there. Max FunCon Europe? What do you think?

Let's throw on some lederhosen and see what we can do. There's something saying Max FunCon Europe. It changes what Max FunCon sounds like. It sounds more devious and like it's some kind of world domination plan. Well, the main activity at regular Max FunCon or big comedy shows, the main activity at Max FunCon Europe is the most dangerous game. Human sport. Yeah. I mean, a hard target situation, if you will.

I say that Max FunCon Europe's inspiration is probably the movie Gymkata. Sure. Or the Ray Liotta vehicle, no escape. But there is a comedy element. There is a sad-faced clown that will run out and simply weep and run away between shots. But he has a really nice bike. So Donna, you were just hanging out on a farm.

So, Donna, you were just hanging out on a farm. Your buddy knew that you had been a competitive swimmer as a kid and had been a competitive horse rider as a kid. And she said, hey, you should come down to the – it was sort of like when a football coach sees a fat kid in the hallway. He's like, you should be a lineman. Yeah. Yeah. But it was even more integrated because her farm, so she lived on a farm. We were still riding together and we would, we would, so she had a shooting set up in one barn so we could go and like learn how to shoot. And then running, we could run around the farm. It was really, actually a really large farm. Her father had an ultralight landing strip and you could run down this huge, huge, long, I guess a really long patch of grass that was smooth and perfectly kept. There was a meat locker for boxing. So she just talked you into this? So you hadn't done any competitive athletics in the intervening time? Did you even do like intramural softball or anything?

Oh, after I quit, when I was, like between when I quit athletics and when I got back into it. No, nothing but a little dabbling that you do like an accidental participation in a... Kickball league. Hipster kickball league. Right, yeah. Something, maybe some inner tube water polo once on a weekend. Holy shit! That's Canada's version of hipster kickball.

I feel like Donna could... They all go for a labats. It could be that Donna is just making up sports. She might have created that Wikipedia entry that we looked at last time on the show. Donna, do you consider one of these five sports your strong point? Yes. Usually the running, actually. And is one more challenging for you?

Yes. The fencing. Really-hmm. And is one more challenging for you? Yeah, what's the weak? Yes, the fencing. Really? Oh. Yeah, yeah. Have you been brushing up on the fencing? I have. Yeah?

Yeah, I just got back actually a couple of days ago from a fencing camp, which I hope will make me a better stabber. So you would say that stabbing is kind of your weak area? Yeah. So you're good at sort of fending them off like it's sort of like a low-stakes fight, and then you just can't seal the deal. You're like, no, please don't hurt me. Please, no, no, no.

And then they win. The kill stroke. I don't know. It's her nose. So is it foil fencing or is it saber fencing, the kind where you slash or the kind where you poke? Oh, actually, it's neither foil nor saber. Hold on. Is it inner tube fencing?

Lightsaber, lightsaber, lightsaber. It's epi fencing. Oh. Epi fencing? Oh. Epi-blen fencing? That's where you let loose a hive of bees in a group of people that are deathly allergic. Well, what is the difference?

So there's three different weapons for each of those. And the epi, it looks a lot like a foil. It's a little bit heavier, and the rules are different. So with foil fencing, there's rules about where you can hit or be hit. Right. So there's a target area. And epee fencing, all bets are off. You can hit them anywhere you want, except for in the back.

Wow. So it's like the MMA of, is that what it is? Mixed martial arts? Yes. Of fencing? So you can hit their toes. Is that what it is? Mixed martial arts? Yes. Offensing? You're just trying to use an analogy that our listeners might understand. Right, kids? We've got a lot of MMA fans in our audience. Kesha.

Kesha. Totally. You're not saying Kesha listens to this show. You're just saying Kesha so people will relate to you. That's sort of like a punctuation. Yeah, word. Kesha. Kesha.

Yeah. What countries are the best pentathletes, modern pentathletes? They're slightly different depending on if you speak about the men's or the women's team. But for the women's team, it's Great Britain, Germany, France, and then Russia, Egypt, Brazil, Lithuania. So mostly it's countries whose power peaked in 1912. It's actually just guys from the First World War that happen to still be alive. You're not entirely far off because a lot of the countries, like the Soviet bloc countries, produced really strong systems. So Belarusia, Russia, Lithuania, a lot of those countries still dominate the pentathlon scene, actually.

Those countries are actually literally training these people as spies, though. Yeah. This is spy training. It is their full-time job, so yes. Wow. So you're probably a better drummer and skateboarder than spies, though. Yeah. This is spy training. It is their full-time job, so yes. Wow. So you're probably a better drummer and skateboarder than them, though. I feel like that's not something I can kind of throw down on the day, though. They don't really care.

Are you going to bring blue jeans to sell to them? I hadn't thought of it. In excess, bootlegs? It's 1984, right? Over there it is. Just say to them, way to you guys get ace of base. You guys are going to freak. They're going to flip the fuck out.

Do you know your teammates? Do you know the other Canadian pentathletes? I do, yes. It's a tight community, I would imagine. Yeah, we, there aren't, it's not a sport with a lot of depth in Canada or the U.S. Well, to be fair, anywhere. No, it's that, I'm always.

I don't know, if you go to Hungary, you can see big billboards with pentathletes. Really? I love that. I mean, it's such a, just hearing you list off all the things, it's so specialized. If you go to Hungary, you can see big billboards that just have a picture of the man who owns a steak. Yeah. The one clean shoe in town is on a billboard. They're poor.

Poor. We could do a podcast. They can. So, Donna, Donna, let's talk about what it was like to try and qualify to do this. How long had you been doing this competitively when it came time to compete in the Canada Champion of Pentathlon? And was Gina Davis just mad-dogging you the whole time? So I've been competing at nationals. I came to the 2006 nationals as a kind of walk-on, someone who wasn't really known on the scene.

And I participated in most of the nationals since then. My first international was in 2007. So I'd say since 2007 I've been serious. So are you kind of, are there some people who have been on the scene for a long time and you're the genie come lately? Can you say that? Now on the national team, I've been there the second longest because some girls retired in the last quadrennial and some new girls and guys came on in the last quadrennial.

People in sports sort of treat this. I'm pretty sure the quadrennial is not a word. Well, the quadrennial is the Canadian calendar system. That's the one where the world is ending in October. Every October. Yeah, the Canadians's the one where the world is ending in october every october yeah the canadians uh predicted the end of the world um okay so when what did you have to do to qualify to be on the team was there a big fence off or or what yeah well so for our sport there's only 36 women and 36 men from the world who are allowed to compete. The way our competition is structured, it's limited to 36 people in the final day.

So to get onto the Canadian Olympic team, I had to qualify internationally because not every country can get people in. And how many people are on your team presently? So there are five national team members and two of us qualified for the Olympics. And so do you guys, are you guys essentially competing against each other or do you both earn points for the Canadian team when you do your event? Both. Simultaneously, we're competing against one another on the international ranking list, but we can both, we could be first and second on the podium at the Olympics, for example. That's a real mindfuck for you guys, huh?

And we actually begin our day by fencing each other first. So they set it up so that you can't help your teammate by giving them a win in the fence by forcing you to fence your teammate first. And what about the horse seduction part?

Yes. Where you're just introduced to this horse that's been treated badly, I assume, right? They just get these kind of like... They just get real shit horses. They get like Jersey racetrack horses that are all chewed up. They swim them over. If you only knew.

From some places, we do get kind of sketchy rides. But in London, they're going to be really, really high-quality horses. The British are really good with horses. Super sticky hooves. It's going to be really, really high quality horses. The British are really good with horses. Super sticky hooves. It's going to be a great blind date. That's amazing. It's so weird at the end when the horse wants to split the check, though. That's how you tell if he wants to do it again.

Or is he, what are you doing now? I was like, well, I've got to go do some swimming. Oh, I thought we could go. I can run along the banks. Do you want to get a drink first? No, that's okay. I've got to go do some swimming. Oh, I thought we could go. I can run along the banks. Do you want to get a drink first? No, that's okay. I've got to go do some swimming. Actually, I just got a call from this Hungarian guy.

He's got a shoe. Can I ask about your grad school? Yeah, I'm so excited. What's the field? Civil engineering. Wow. But in green infrastructure. So figuring out ways to measure our big building projects to see whether they make us more or less healthy,

whether they make the environment more green or less green, that kind of stuff. Are you going to be doing some LEED certification? Maybe. Yes. She's totally into me now. Now just say something about drums. Are you going to be doing some lead certification? Maybe. Yeah. She's totally into me now. Now just say something about drums. Wait, I got this one. Drums.

Drums. Yeah, jazz trap. Jazz trap, Kip. Hey, kickflip. Kickflip. Neil Peart? Yeah, Neil Peart. Maybe if you had a horse named Kickflip.

Oh, yeah. Gosh, Donna, this is too much. Okay, how much time do we... Wait, do you name the horse after you meet it for the first time? Do you just give it, like, a competition name? We don't, except in one case where I rode a horse in China whose name was just some combination of alphanumeric codes. The horse's name was something like AFB32, so I gave it a name temporarily.

You know that that was a robot horse, right? Hologram horse. They're way ahead of us. They're behind us in a lot of development markers, but they're way ahead of us on robot equestrian matters. They're really focused on the weirdest things ever. You know those robot horses just made in sweatshops. There's no soul. You're going to get a handcrafted horse from Pennsylvania horse country.

Okay. So, Donna, a lot of these Olympic sports are very, you know, prestigious. They're very public, you know, Carl Lewis and so forth. Gina Davis. Gina Davis. Cutthroat Island. Bruce Jenner, who's married into a very powerful family now. Absolutely.

Absolutely. The new Kennedys. So, but modern pentathlon is not so much. Do you have to like buy your own plane tickets to go to the national championship and like pay for your own hotel room? Or do you or is there some funding organization or how does it work when you're when you're in a not famous sport yeah um so tell your kids if they want to get go into a lucrative sport that it's maybe not pentathlon but we we we pay for our own way to nationals and to um and we pay for our own room and board and we pay for our own coaches and equipment and everything. But we get a little bit of money that covers some of our international competitions.

So basically, we go to about eight or nine competitions internationally and I'd say about 30% of that cost is covered. And then for the Olympics, we get a free plane ticket and we get put up in the athlete village and so it's it's deluxe decadent yeah are those are those nice digs tell us about what the athlete village or what you've heard about cool swag um i haven't seen the athlete's village i'm really excited to see it uh just my background is architecture and buildings so i'm really excited to see some of the buildings there. But I haven't sort of snuck a peek online to see what's coming.

Donna, I have resisted going blue for the last 20 minutes, but I have to ask you this question. I have heard that the Athletes' Village is a real fuckfest. I've heard that, Athletes Village is a real fuckfest. I've heard that too actually. Yeah, so my boyfriend will be coming with me to the Olympics. This guy sounds like a real asshole. He'll be on site.

Probably a loser, just smokes a lot of pot, plays a lot of Halo. Well, my boyfriend Tomic is Michael Phelps? Yeah, Michael phelps that's who she's yeah michael phelps um he's so wonderful and and anyway i'm just mentioning him because i thought it was um i this is awkward so i've just heard rumors too actually about big parties that are happening in the village and i'm kind of curious to see of curious to see if it's true and to observe but not participate, obviously.

Donna, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Your pressure at an Olympic level is intense. Yeah. Okay? You don't have to give in to it. But I don't. I mean. Sean White shows up to the Summer Olympics and has these fucking ragers.

Yeah. He's giving out chewing gum to everybody wearing a leather vest with no shirt on he's he confuses people from the today show um but i mean i don't know i mean i don't know you know at what point in your relationship you guys are or or you know how serious things are. Jordan's single. Yeah. But I was going to say, can you guys arrange some sort of Olympic pass?

You know, be inspired by the hit film Hall Pass. You know what? Or check out Olympic Pass, which is another one. Didn't do as well. It's so specific. No, but I think it'd be a great opportunity for someone who wanted to make a documentary.

Oh, yeah. It would be kind of interesting. Olympic fuck fest. Olympic fuck fest. Just call it going for gold. The guy from Girls Gone Wild is the man to make that documentary. That creepy, creepy semi-rape dude. Rape dude.

Rape dude. Rape dude? Yeah, professional rape dude. What were the circumstances of that? Was he confirmed to be a rape dude? Oh, I don't know. I don't know too much about it. Okay.

Someone told me. I remember that he was in court for something. Someone told me that guy raped a bunch of people, and I just took it as fact. Yeah. Right. I think it's cumulative. At a certain point, it's like they gave up. There's a certain amount that's going to happen.

Yeah. You did a lot of kind of rape stuff, so that equals a rape. Okay. Gross. Sorry. Sorry, Donna. Let's get back to the spirit of the Olympics. No, they're pretty strict, though, with their credentialing and who they let into the village.

They won't even let our family and friends in, so he might have some trouble getting a pass into the village. Sounds like it's a cool disguise time. Mustaches and singlets. Pork pie hats. Flags. Do you think Danny Boyle can just saunter in? No.

Yeah, I don't think so either. Donna, if you're talking about paying for your own trips and so on and so forth, I was just sort of wondering what would it take to buy your loyalty? Like to get you to wear a special hat. Like if you are comfortable with the word tied on your back, you know, as you're riding the horse or swimming. I was thinking a MaximumFun.org rocket ship.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to try to get... Face tattoos. I was going to get like NASCAR endorsement sort of like level stuff. But yeah, you get a sticker. Probably pretty good.

To achieve my Olympic best, I always eat Cinnabon. Yeah, JJ goes cereal maybe if you had... Dips up being the marshmallow. I've come to be able to stretch every little amount of money really, really far. So my loyalty can't be bought for any amount, but my eternal gratitude and thankfulness, appreciativeness can be bought really easily. Have you sat at the knee of some past pentathlete who's given you just insight and wisdom?

who's given you just insight and wisdom? Like, who is your pentathlete who's like, oh, my God, when you're talking about the five leets, this is the one? That's a question that I've never been asked before, and there is no pentathlete that I think of in that way. It's curious. I feel like there are people that I've met through Pentathlon that are incredible and amazing, but there isn't a pentathlete that sort of gets me excited or makes me go dreamy or thoughtful or full of admiration.

But is there, I mean, you know, it's sort of like Jesse Owens or... No, I mean, look, what she's saying is her heroes are more like Tony Hawk and Max Roach.

Yeah. Am I right? Am I right? You said a skateboarder and then a drummer. I was racing for some... Yeah. Donna,

when do you compete and how can people enjoy you competing? Because all of Jordan Jesse Go's listeners are definitely going to be rooting for you. Yeah, we're all throwing our country loyalties out the window. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know who our pentathlete is, but. They probably suck. They probably are a real asshole.

And they're probably hooking up like crazy the night before and just blowing their load and stuff. Sorry. Just that's athlete talk. Donna knew what you were talking about. She knows. Yeah. Oh, man. I wish I could have a little flag that was JJ Go and stitch it to my uniform.

That would be amazing. I compete on August 12th, and people can watch. It will be on all the usual, I mean, everything that's covering the Olympics will probably cover pentathlon, I assume. But there's always a dedicated website through pentathlon.org that always has links to sort of online coverage of us. And I have a website. This is donna.com. So I'll be posting things there as well. Wow.

We couldn't be more excited about this, Donna. And thank you so much for it. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you so much for calling us and making our entire lives. I mean, if you could introduce us to Gina Davis, that would be even more amazing. Yeah. I have a lot of questions about the long kiss goodnight. A lot.

But Donna, thank you so much for coming on Jordan Jesse Go. It was really a pleasure. Yeah, and congratulations. Amazing. Amazing. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I'm so touched. This has just been really sweet i'm so um yeah i'm totally so excited that you had me on thank you we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, with Donna. I held Donna on the line. We were all talking about how amazing it is that she's

going to the Olympics. And I was thinking that we have this amazing listener community, the Jordan Jesse Go community. I mean, tens of thousands of people listen to this program and love it. And, you know, our MaxFun community is even broader than that. And never before has anyone in our community, frankly, done anything anything of merit contributed anything to the world and you know when you're a modern pentathlete now there's this do you know neil appeal oh neil appeal yeah he um me and him play starhawk online i needed someone to play starhawk with right and he because none of my friends were playing it and then Neil Appeal said he would play it with me and we've been playing.

We've been having a really good time. He's really good at it. That is contributing something. So thank you, Donna. That was nice to talk to you but we have another cause that we're going to focus on.

Yeah, so anyway, Donna's a modern pentathlete. These days, a lot of the money in athletics is flowing into your classic pentathlon. Sure. You're running fast for 100 yards.

Biathlon. Swimming in water kind of person. Whatever. I mean, we've seen you in those commercials where you ride, you run, you shoot, and then you snap into a Slim Jim. Those are great. And then you get tackled by the Sasquatch. But I asked Donna, is there something

that we could help her with as a community that would make her trip to the Olympics better and help her with the burden of representing her nation of Canada in the Olympics? And Donna,

we did come up with something. We're going to sell black market babies for you. No, no, no. That's off the table. We didn't discuss that. You just.

Number one. Well, it's, it's been recorded. So that's kind of a contractually. No, no. I can, in a contract, someone has to exchange something for something. Well here, here you go. Hold that. Okay.

It's a dirt. Why am I, why am I holding this dirt? I just gave you something. Oh fuck. Yeah. God damn it. Hold that. This piece of dirt. Why am I holding this dirt? I just gave you something. Oh, fuck. Yeah. God damn it, Husky. That's called a dirt contract. Well, I guess we're baby smugglers. But Donna, there is one thing that we came up with that you might need help with, and it's a good one.

Can you tell our listeners what it is? A laser gun. A laser gun. Donna needs a new laser gun. She needs to pay for her new laser gun. And part of it is we need to get the funding for a time machine which will allow her to go into the future. Right. Now, I know what you're thinking.

Shouldn't we just go down to the laser tag center and steal a gun for Donna? And yes, we are going to do that, but it will need to be upgraded. Yeah. Donna, this thing involves, well, you've got to get a circuit board, right? And solder some parts. You have to cut off a robot's penis. Yeah. You have to get a laser pointer from, like, Office Depot or whatever and then strap that on the top.

Sure. Okay. Here's what I think. We looked it up. We looked up how much the different parts Donna needs cost. We translated it from euros into dollars because only communist countries sell these things, such as Europe, the communist country of Europe. Evil Europe. And we came up with a number, which is $2,900.

I think $2,900 is well within our capacity with the tens of thousands of listeners that we have who are already excited about getting to go to the Olympics with Donna, sleep in her bed at the Athletes' Village, all the privileges that are accorded to all of our listeners. Yeah, it's going to be cool. Yeah, I mean, this is going to be a really amazing experience for all of us. I mean, think of it. Every person who supports this goal to get $2,900 for Donna to get a laser gun gets to compete in one leg of the modern pentathlon. At the $500 level, you get to do the horse riding. At the $500 level, you get to do the horse riding.

Yeah. At the $250 level, you get to do the running. Nobody wants to do the running. Yeah, nobody wants to run. No. We can do that. $1,000, of course. You want the horse to do the running.

Yeah. And the $1,000 level, of course, is shooting the laser gun. Yeah. And I mean, the $2,000 level is really good because not only do you get to shoot the laser gun and ride the horse, you actually get to keep the horse. And as we said, these horses, very sticky hooves. So they're very valuable on the glue market.

Tender meat. Yeah. Just got to take them through the channel. At what level do we get to blaze with Michael Phelps? So Donna, I think that we can do this. By the time that we have this show up on Monday, we will have put together an Indiegogo project for this thing, $2,900.

I'm right now saying, who knows if this is the be-all, end-all, but right now I'm putting a hundy on this. Me personally. You're putting a Jesse Thorne hundy. I'm putting a hundy on this. Me personally. You're putting a Jesse Thorne hundy. I'm putting a hundy on this. I'm sending $100 to this project just to kick things off. Just as a little challenge for our listeners.

We're going to buy this Olympian a laser gun. By the way, if it sounds like we're joking, I'm dead serious about this. All of the pledge levels that we just discussed were definitely jokes. If you're just tuning in, we will not explain why this Olympian needs a laser gun. No, absolutely not. Don't listen to this show. It's very complicated. Just know that the Olympics are fucked up at this point, and everyone needs a laser gun.

Yeah, and also you should know that you can listen to podcasts from the start, no matter what time you start. Not me. Nope, I drop in right in the middle. I'm always lost. You just randomly drag the bar. Donna, I guess – so we mentioned like sponsorship and obviously there's a uniform and they probably don't want you altering it with patches or something like that. But if this happens, if our dudes do step up and buy this laser gun, will you name the laser gun some sort of Jordan Jesse Goh inside joke? Oh, that's a great idea, actually. Yes, absolutely.

Great. I mean, the inside joke of your choice. Yeah, I mean, you can make it any. I mean, you can name it Chip Gunson, Gun Dipson. I mean, I would turn it around to you guys and ask you to name the gun, I think. Oh, wow. That would be such an honor. Let's get the gun first.

Yeah, we got to get this gun first, and then we're going to name it. Let's not put the cart before the gun. The Go-Gun? So here's what you, the listeners, can do. Go to MaximumFun.org. We'll have it there right on the homepage. You might have to scroll down a little bit. But we will have it there.

And next week on the show, we'll also give out the specific direct URL. But right now, since we haven't made the thing yet, go to MaximumFun.org. It'll be there. We're going to get together $2,900 to make a young Olympian's dreams of naming a laser gun in honor of her favorite vulgar comedy podcast come true. Oh, man, if she uses this to assassinate Muse. Oh, that would be tremendous. Donna, we're going to...

They're doing the Olympic theme song. We're going to make this happen for you. And pretty soon you'll be shooting motherfuckers all over that Olympic Village. I feel like I just won some incredible game show in another universe. Not until those fuckers

listening right now go to MaximumFun.org and say, don't call them fuckers if you want them to give money. These shitheels will probably do nothing with their lives. Well, go to MaximumFun.org.els would probably do nothing with their lives. Well, go to MaximumFun.org. I've already got

a hundred bucks in there. Let's make it happen for Donna. And Donna, thanks for talking to us. And we'll check in with you. We'll check in with you

on the road to Olympic gold. That's what we're going to call it, by the way. No pressure. The road to Olympic gold. Thank you.

Thank you, Donna. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, man. Let's talk about sponsors. Let's talk about the Jumbotron.

I love talking about that. First of all, our friends at ask.metafilter.com. They're the best. Let's just say you don't know what the best way to tame a wild horse is. Ask.Metafilter probably has that info. Ask.Metafilter.com. You just go there, type that shit in. That should be part of the decathlon or pentathlon.

You should be taming the horse. You know who probably knows the answer to that? Cold Chef. Who's that? It's a guy on Metafilter. It's a guy on Metafilter. Sure. He likes our show.

He's great. Ask.M Metafilter. Oh, it's a guy on Metafilter. It's a guy on Metafilter. Sure. He likes our show. He's great. Askthatmetafilter.com. And holy crap, look at what we got on the Jumbotron. Great stuff. Okay, first of all, from Kenneth, Angela, and Sarah, happy birthday, Allison. We hope you always keep outclassing everyone around you. We have to work from the assumption that that's an inside joke of some kind. I'm sure the four of them are rolling along the ground with laughter.

You think Allison wears a monocle? I should hope so. Yeah. If she doesn't, she should develop astigmatism and start. One presumes that that's what's going on. Allison with two L's. Yeah. You want to do the next one?

I do. Absolutely. Oh, check out Buena Adventura, the debut album from Bonaventure James. Go to bit.ly slash JJGOBJ. That sounds like it could be me and Jesse giving a blowjob. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine.

Go to bit.ly slash JJGOBJ to listen to and download the new album from Bonaventure James. Yes, that's the Bonaventure James from The Best Show on WFMU. The album is Pay What You Want, but all paying downloads will receive bonus downloads and more. So go to bit.ly slash jjgobj. Hey, how about this? So go to bit.ly slash JJ go BJ. Hey, how about this? How about some congratulations to Guy and Mary Beth on their new baby?

That's great. I have been following this baby's growth inside of Mary Beth on Facebook. An odd way to put it. Guy and Mary Beth are the folks that I married a couple of years ago. And the three of us decided to have this child. I'm sure it's tremendous. You and Guy mixed your sperm so you wouldn't know who the father is, right? Yeah, well, I mean, it's a group situation. That's great.

We want everyone to feel responsible for this kid. So there's that. And also, I wanted to mention one other thing. Our friend Tyler McNiven, who has been a guest on this program, I believe when he was running across Iran or something like that. I don't remember what stupid thing he was up to when he was a guest on this show. I was just in San Francisco, and my mom and I visited Tyler at his new restaurant. Tyler just opened a restaurant on Valencia, in my old stomping grounds, on Valencia and 16th Street called West of Pecos. It's like a southwestern restaurant.

It's gorgeous. The food is great. And Tyler is currently working seven days a week there. It is really his restaurant. That's great. He's the manager slash co-owner of this restaurant. And Tyler's currently working seven days a week there and I told him that I would not only say that he's on here,

but if you go there, if you're a San Franciscan, you go to West Apicos on Valencia and 16th, ask for Tyler, tell him you heard about the restaurant on Jordan Jesse Go,

he has promised to hook your ass up. That's what I told him. I said, can you promise to hook their ass up? He said, yes, I will hook their ass up. Okay. That's what I told him. I said, can you promise to hook their ass up? He said, yes. I will hook their ass up. Okay. And Tyler doesn't fuck around. No.

You're getting something. I mean, he might pull his dick out or something. Sure. That's the kind of guy Tyler is. He's been known to. Yeah, I mean, who knows? He might play a flugelhorn. Whatever it is, whether it's a free appetizer or a dick, it's gonna have some corn-based salsa on it. Yeah, absolutely. The food is totally great, so West of Picos. If you want to get on the Jumbot dick, it's going to have some corn-based salsa on it. Yeah, absolutely.

The food is totally great. So West of Picos. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan, Jesse, go or a bunch of episodes of Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective brian husky elder statesman brian brian brian brian the brian husky ladies and gentlemen that's my brian husky that's my Twitter handle. Well done. Man, you know, Brian, a GLBT hero is called a queer-o.

I learned that when I was in college at UC Santa Cruz. Your sketch and improv group, Naked Babies, has two of my, and I haven't come up with anything as good as queer-o, but baldos in it. Which is you and another past Jordan Jesse Go guest, Rob Corddry. Yes. And I just want you to know that as a guy whose hair is receding towards the back of his head. But in looking at you and being an expert in it, it will take a long time. So you're fine. Thank you very much. Sure.

so thank you you're fine thank you very much sure um i just want you to know that the two of you have really inspired me in terms of changing the world through the better for the better through laughter at a bald person not with because it doesn't happen i don't think it doesn't happen that hasn't been my experience but i just want you to know that it means a lot to me when I see you on television, when I see you in a series of Toyota commercials, when I see you on, give me another place where I might see him. Comedy Bang Bang. At the Grove. Yeah, at the Grove. At the Grove, yeah. You fill in for Mario Lopez sometimes.

Yeah, and sometimes I sit in with this Jimmy Buffett cover band. Oh, nice. Yeah, I'll just do Kongos or bongos or congas. Sure. Which are different than congos. Any kind of like hand drumming. Yeah. Like some additional percussion.

And I also admire that both you and Rob are real Patrick Stewart types, if I might say. In the sense. Sexy bald men. Oh, yeah? See, I've had recently, I did a part in a movie where they had to make a life cast of me. Wait a minute. Yeah. Because you get dismembered or something?

Yeah, I get my head cut off. Cool. Very cool. So I got to see – I mean, it is weird to see yourself represented pretty accurately. Right, right. And then get to see all 360 degrees of it. That happened to me when a listener sent me a photographic pillow of my face. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Close. Nightmares for months. Making out with it, uncomfortable. Yeah. God, is that a... I mean, are we going to see this movie and is this going to be is that some sort of major spoiler that we need to take out not really but i maybe i won't say much more it's a horror movie and you play an african-american character yes

disposable wisecracking you will die yeah i would i did feel weird about putting on you know essentially blackface makeup for it and stuff. But I was like, there aren't any talented black balding actors. That's why they keep Tyrese. Oh, that's right. Was he not available? I don't think he was available. I think that's the only problem.

He's not as beautiful as Brian, though. It's true. He doesn't have that sheen that Brian has. Yeah, they don't have the white guy shininess that he seemed able to get. Like, nobody else can. This is kind of a working actor thing. But, I mean, Brian, you know how this is. You go to auditions and, you know, you see the same couple of guys when they need a certain type.

You know, you're in that pool. I mean, it's probably just you and Tyrese at all these things, right? And also, Jaiman Hansu. Oh, sure. Oh, Hansu. Wait, but Brian, what? So anyway, so seeing this thing was weird. I was like, I am so fucking bald.

I'm so bald. But you look great. Thank you, Brian. I really appreciate it. And I don't say that insincerely. You wear it exceptionally well. Oh, that's really nice to hear. Because it's a weird – I mean everybody ages and everybody goes through changes and stuff.

And I've been doing this – I've been on this path since I was 17, 16 it really started to happen. And so it's just been this glacial like without global warming kind of like receding. Yeah, and it's very dispiriting when you look. You don't notice it as it happens. But I remember it being like 21 and being like, oh, yeah, it definitely is happening. Yeah, yeah. Like I had sort of tricked myself before. Now it's happening.

It is crazy the amount of mental trickery that happens with your head. My perspective on myself because, you know, I have like – I have sort of a winnowing patch in the middle just barely. And I've gotten it cut shorter and shorter. My wife actually likes it when it's kind of like crazy professor looking. When it's a little bozo and stuff. She has a crush on Larry David. Hey!

So I was like, I picked the right woman. This is awesome. But when I grow it out and stuff and the middle part's a little thicker and stuff, I was like, oh, I'm pretty good on top and stuff. But it's just the one angle of me looking in the mirror and the light hitting me from the side. It's like it really just looks like someone just kind of came through. But you look like a guy.

I mean, I'm Larry David, also one of my baldos. Yeah, he's a good baldo. But I think that you look like the kind of guy who looks like he should be bald. Yeah? Yeah. You're sort of dumpy. You're always in a recliner drinking a beer. You look like you've had chemo or something.

It genuinely suits you. Well, that's – see, that's great to hear because – I have a weird-shaped head. suits you. Well, that's, see, that's great to hear. I have a weird shaped head. I once, I once in college shaved my head because I was bored. I was

an RA, and so I had to stay until the last day that people were in college. Right. You know what I mean? And I only had early finals in the two weeks of final period. And so I had to stay, sit around my college for a week while fewer and fewer people were there. And at one point I just got bored and shaved my head like all the way.

Yeah, yeah. You know, all the way with a razor and everything. Oh, wow. So – And what I learned is I have a weird shaped head. Now, what is weird? Like, is it – because to me, like, a weird shaped head is like too much forehead that just looks like it's sort of an – like your brain is more gigantic than it needs to be. It was unflattering.

Yeah. It was distinctly – I did not look like a, you know, Bruce Willis type badass. You were playing rock harmonica though. I was. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm in the new, I'm the new Bruno. But I bet, I bet you would be good not like not shaving it down to just skin, but just like a super, super short.

Yeah, I think I could swing that because I have a brother who wears, who wears his hair very short. It looks pretty good. I, Corddry and I used to be roommates back in New York. And at the time I was a photographer and he went on tour with his national Shakespeare company. And he came back and he had shaved his head like all the guys in the show, which I was like, why are you making this the weirdest Shakespeare company show ever? But he had shaved his head to see what it would look like because he was really starting to lose it fast. And just that initial seeing him that way was – it was disturbing.

And I don't think anybody initially – you're sort of like, oh, my God. It's just – but now I can't – And Cordray is very handsome with very little hair. Totally. He looks like a million dollars. Yeah. So it was interesting like that first time. I think there was – maybe it's how you wear it. I should do it again.

I think you should do it again. Right. I should just keep doing it. Cut below where the hair was. Gotcha. You know, just take off the epidermal layer. I should get one of those things, one of those lift and cut system razors. Yes.

With the lift and cut system. Yeah. With the lift and cut system. Just eight blades on those. Lift and cut system. Well, I got more hair than I know what to do with. Yeah, you got hair. That's true. You're going to have hair forever. Your ha on those. Lift and cut system. I got more hair than I know what to do with. Yeah, you got hair. That's true.

You're going to have hair forever. Your hairline hasn't changed a whit. You're rich with it. So much. Beautiful head of hair, Jordan. I mean, so speaking of Brian Husky projects where you have to get something weird done to you, you mentioned you just came back from Germany where you were doing motion capture. Yeah. I was doing motion capture for

an animated remake of Tarzan where I play Smith, who is the David Niven-looking very sort of mincy and particular sidekick to the corporate bad guy. So yeah, motion capture for those who

might not know, but I feel like your audience would immediately know. It's where you wear the little balls, the little sort of like reflective balls on a – And they do this because they want to get your pitching motion exactly correct. Yes. Yes. I am doing – And your touchdown dance.

I'm doing an MLD video game. MLB. So, yeah. So it is like to get how your body moves and stuff. The guy pitched it, you know, basically it's like, it's like Avatar, you know? So I was like, why'd you say it in that tone of voice?

But it's kind of, it wasn't as we were doing it, it's like, this isn't so much Avatar as Pixar with us moving around, you know, that level of realism and stuff. And the guy I was doing all my scenes with, he was having to be the bad guy. And he seemed a little bummed out that he wasn't, like, actually kind of getting to act. He was kind of getting to move.

But it was – But do you do the voice? I'll find out later on. Okay. But the crazy thing is for another – it will take them another year and a half to work on this thing. And at any point, David Hyde Pierce might become available. Totally could.

Him or Cedric the Entertainer. Sure, famous mincers. Yes. When you need a mincer. When you think of these people. So what part of Germany were you in and what did you do in your time off from Metcalf? Why is it in Germany?

Yeah, also that. Constantine Films is making it and they're a German company. And the super German director, Reinhard Kuss, is directing it. And I guess they shot it. Does everybody on set call him the Kuss? Yeah. All the Americans do is like, what did Kuss just say to you? What was the Kuss note? But yeah, over there.

I guess it's – and they're – it's like the second or third biggest motion capture studio in the world. Wow. So maybe they just wanted to show it off to us. But I think it's because everybody like – it's German, German company. Well, it worked. I mean now America knows about it through the medium of Jordan, Jesse, and Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's part of my – the contract is I had about it through the medium of Jordan, Jesse, and Kyle. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's part of the contract is I had to come back and sort of like do like footwork advertising for them. Did you have to have a ping pong ball on your neck? Nope. They don't showcase that stuff. Sure. I kept putting one there.

You thought you wanted that for realism. Yeah. But they do- To get the kind of the swing, the dangle. Yeah. The angle of your dangle, so to speak. They put one right where the swing, the dangle. The angle of your dangle, so to speak. They put one right where the brown eye is, though. They put the brown eye one on.

So that is a realistic approximation, a digital approximation, of your asshole. Right. In case they're like, well, in case we want to do any kind of effects where something goes in your ass, you know, we have that down.

But one of the dudes, the movement coach was this guy who's just done gorillas in everything and he's been in like Labyrinth and Harry Potter movies and stuff. And I love that about like doing a movie or a show or something where you meet these people who are part of this other subset that is so specific and there are podcasts for that and stuff. There was a guy that taught a class at my middle school who was in the fight choreography business, a sword fight, specifically sword fight and specifically rapier sword fight choreography. Specifically sword fight and specifically rapier sword fight. Yeah. Choreography. I mean, he did.

If you want a broad sword fight, he'll choreograph that for you. Right. But basically what he wants to do is rapiers. And it was amazing because sometimes he would just basically be a – I mean I'm being a little unkind. I'm sure he made money from teaching classes to middle school. He'd be a rapierist. But sometimes he'd just be a sort of self-important guy that lived in a van. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You know the type. But then sometimes he would be like, well, I got to fly to Spain. Right. Got to choreograph the blah, blah, blah. Right, right. And he would always choreograph for like big Shakespeare theaters. Often there's a lot of demand for that.

So he'd always be going to Ashland for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival to choreograph something. But also. And he's like, ah, back to the van. But then in between like. He just was living off the grid sort of. Yeah. I mean there's no day-to-day money making in sword fight choreography. So you have to have an extremely steady source of work.

Yes. You have to be friends with whoever owns the rights to the Three Musketeers books. I know, totally. Or you're at every play opening and just pitching like, well, I really could use a fight scene. Yeah, you're just like, this is our town. Dear Mr. Mamet, I enjoyed your recent Broadway revival of Glengarry Glen Ross. What was sorely lacking was the swordplay not with words, but with swords. Dear sirs.

But even like – Find me in my van. Side of highway. But even – like that's why asking Donna is like I wanted – I was kind of a little disheartened that she didn't have her favorite pentathlete. Yeah. Maybe she's just better than that. Maybe she's just a cool kid on the scene. Yeah.

I mean her favorite pentathlete is Jello Biafra. He does it all. Singing. Or Gene Krupa. Spoken word. Sure. And being in the Melvins sometimes. Yeah.

That's a rock and roll pentathlon. Crazy talk. Oh, yeah. Crazy voice. Crazy voice. Oh, I just meant crazy words. That was my experience of talking with him. A nice man.

Oh, yeah. Crazy. Yes. Yeah. He says crazy things in a crazy voice. Wait. Was he on the show? Yeah.

He was not on Jordan Jesse Go. He was on The Sound of Young America once when we did the show in San Francisco. Yeah, yeah. He is not a good listener. That's how I would characterize him. Is he always either two steps ahead or five steps behind? He was a really, really, first of all, I want to say he was a super nice dude. Yeah.

Like he could not have been nicer to us. He is obviously a legend and a genius. Yeah. But he lives in his own world. Right. Yeah. Is he great? Does he have like dreadlocks with bones in them and stuff?

That's sort of. I mean vaguely. Yeah. Yes. But a much friendlier San Francisco-ier version of that. Yeah. Yeah. Like a real sweet.

He was really, really nice. That's good. And went out of his way to be like really pleasant and be grateful that he was on the show and super nice to us. And then we got on stage and it was like i wasn't there you just went off all i could do was just it was like bumper pool or something yeah like i could just sort of slap him in one direction or the other try and get him moving towards something that's funny yeah i bet he's got some built-in wiring at this point. It's like, microphone, lights, go! Just living the dream.

Biafra! Biafra time! Sticking it to George Bush! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, This was a dream come true. I really, really did. Really? I really, yeah. Were you dreaming about it? I've had visions. I've had what we call nightmares. No, I... In the shamanic community. In the shamanic community.

And I have to say, like, it's... I love... Because I used to listen to Sound of the Young American, and you... You don't anymore. No, I'm done with it. Yeah. I'm dead with it. But it's...

The mental picture people have of just hearing your voice and stuff. Not as handsome as I am in real life. Oh my god. I thought when I walked in, I was like, who's this burn victim? It's like, oh no, that's the show. I always picture you with long curly hair for some reason.

And older. I picture you much older. Yeah. I used to get complaints about the name being The Sound of Young America from people who only listened on the radio. And they would be like, why is some – they would send an email in thinking that it wasn't actually my email address. Yeah, yeah. And it would be like – I'd get one of these every three months, I'd say. Yeah. Why is this 50-year-old guy calling his show The Sound of Big America?

And I'd be like, dear person, it is me. It is me. I am 27. I am young. I have a wise voice. Anyway, Brian, do you have any exciting upcoming projects or anything that we should make sure that people don't miss? Oh, my God. I don't know.

I say that you go back and watch your episodes of Veep. Yeah, go back and check out Veep. Check out your episode of Burning Love. Check out Burning Love. Check out Always Watch Comedy Bang Bang. You know what I think people should do? This is what I think people should do. What's that?

People should go online and, I guess, illegally download the Onion News Network. Yes. Which is no longer extant, sadly, because it was fucking hilarious. Yeah, that was great. Those guys are the smartest. The smartest. Yeah. So good.

They're brilliant geniuses. And you were a regular on the show and a delight on the show. Thank you. Alongside that elderly African-American lady that was so good at saying crazy stuff. Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy. She is amazing.

Quick story about her. She is a life actor, like been doing it for a long time. And we're chatting with her. She's like, well, one time I did a comedy pilot with O.J. Simpson. And we're like, what? And then if you watch Sleeper? No, it's not Sleeper. Bananas. They have this funny scene where they cut to a black woman and she says, I'm J.A.

Gahoova. That's her. So she's made a career out of just kind of random crazy asides. Yeah. But you were capable enough to do a sitcom. You know what's happening and stuff. But at this point, she kind of doesn't know what's happening, which is great. It works out great for the show.

Well, that was her character. Yes. Yeah, totally. Anyway, Brian Husky, wonderful as always. Go to MaximumFun.org. Let's send Donna a laser gun. Yeah. Let's make this happen.

Laser. Laser. Laser. MaximumFun.org. Let's send Donna a laser gun. Yeah. Let's make this happen. Laser. Laser. Laser. Laser. Laser. Laser. Go Canada, not America. Brian Fernandez on the boards.

Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our telephone number is 206-984-4FUN. We'll have more calls next week. You can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll talk to you next time. I'm Jordan Jessico.