Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 232: Apology Accepted with Humphrey Ker

Episode Date: July 16, 2012

British comedian Humphrey Ker joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of savory alcohols, British Dennis the Menace, Step Up Revolution and their recent Comic Con experience.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by Humphrey Carr, British comedian. And we talk about what happened in San Diego. Let's just say things didn't go as smoothly as we expected. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what this week's Jordan, Jesse Goh is going to be, Jordan?

What is it? A tale of triumph. Over adversity or? I wouldn't even say. I mean, adversity, it has to rise to a certain level to even be called adversity. And for us, for a pair of media giants like us, I don't think what we've faced recently would even meet the standard of adversity. I would say it's like a bee sting on a bear. Okay.

So we're triumphing over slight annoyance. I was going to say going crazy and then eating a salmon out of a river. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no. Triumphing over wild annoyance. Mild annoyance. Boy, I mean, I actually had an endeavor that I would consider a giant failure recently. Can we introduce our guest?

Yeah, let's introduce our guest and we'll talk about this. Our guest, he's a comedian all the way from England, which is part of the United Kingdom, which is part of a larger continent, or just apart from a larger continent called Europe. Mr. Humphrey Kerr, how are you, sir? I'm very well. Thank you for having me. Oh, it's a delight to have you. Welcome to America.

It's delightful to be here. And to our box. Yes, what a splendid box it is, too. Oh, thank you. We keep it carefully quaffed. Yes, yeah. So, Jordan, we'll shave it on your birthday. Yes, thank you. We keep it carefully quaffed. Yes. Yeah. So Jordan, we'll shave it on your birthday. Yes, thank you.

So Humphrey, for you, this is something that longtime fans will know, but I'm a big fan of the Bud Light Lime drink. Yeah. This is a light beer with a hint of lime. With a hint of lime. You love to hint your drinks over here. Yeah, I like a little... We tend to go whole hog. Sure.

Beef flavor or nothing. Right. Yeah, we don't have Guinness beef here. Yeah, well, you're all the poorer for it, spiritually and culturally. Yeah, we don't really like savory alcohols. Yeah, well, this is precisely why your empire is slowly crumbling. Oh, that's so funny because I've always been in bars and I've always seen beef eater gin. And I've never ordered it because I don't really like gin, but it does taste like beef.

But if you love beef, then you will love beef eater gin. I do. Get stuck in. I do. Her Majesty takes a cup every morning. Strengthens her bones. That's why she's got such strong bones. Yeah, surely you guys know about her famously strong bones, right?

I think it's the gamma rays. Well, she takes a few rays in the morning. Oh, yes. She slams a Beefeater, gets zapped with some gammas, and then just goes out to fight crime. Yeah. Yep. Because then it opens the school. Kapow!

So a lot of people, knowing that I was a fan of Bud Light Lime, were asking me if I had tried the new product under the Bud Light Lime umbrella, the Bud Light Lime-erita. Oh. Go on. Tell me about this. Well, this, okay, so this is sold in the beer aisle. Uh-huh. And it comes in these tiny cans. It's maybe like a half of a Red Bull can.

Yes. And I think what I was envisioning when I heard the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, I'm like, oh, is this something maybe like a Michelada? Uh-huh. Is this some sort of like beer other thing cocktail? Does this involve clams? Right, yes. Will this have a hint of clam?

This is not. This is a tiny can of barf water. Ah, popular barf water. Yeah. Which the queen takes every night before Every night, that's what settles down her Before she turns into a werewolf to go out on her murder sprees That's how we keep our population so low

The queen thins out the herd Bathwater, down the east end, slash up a few prostitutes And then back to the palace Well, all for a little culling The herd needs culling i have a mighty bloodlust tonight that's how she refers to us her subjects the herd um so yeah so this it's it's this it's this thick kind of syrupy it's god yeah it's like you were just drinking margarita mix the the the booze element of it is undetectable.

You don't taste tequila or whatever is supposed to be in there. It's just kind of like drinking an awful melted popsicle. Now, you mentioned that you found this in the beer aisle. Does that mean that you purchased it at a supermarket? I got it at a Rite Aid. Okay, so halfway in between. That's a drugstore. Yeah.

Yeah, it's semi-medicinal. It sounds quite like that stuff. Yeah, maybe it is a tonic or something. Maybe I'm using it wrong. You know, pregnant women, in order to test whether there's a chance they're going to have diabetes, they're made to drink a very thick, syrupy, sugary drink. Have they just gone,

this could also be marketed to college dudes as well? And also, pregnant women, to determine exactly how down they are to party, drink a high-proof alcohol at the doctor's office. Yeah, it's called the DTF test. Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with this. It's a standard procedure. Sure. So, yeah, to everyone who has been asking if I have tried the Bud Light Limer-A-Rita, I have, and I can't recommend it.

I have a question. Margaritas don't involve beer, right? They don't. Okay. Forgive me. I don't drink, so I have to check in on this. So margaritas don't have any beer in them. So what is the Bud Light portion of this?

I think it's just trying to capitalize off the popularity of the Bud Light Lime, which is delicious. So I think it's like saying, you know, like when a movie poster says, from the producer of Alice in Wonderland comes a similarly toned movie. Okay. So, you know, really, but yeah, Bud Light L lime has nothing to do with this drink it's just this gross like kind of a margarita version of like a um a smirnoff ice or something do you guys have those in oh yeah yeah yeah alco pops we're very big on that oh interest i've never heard that that term that's what we call them alco pops that's cute is uh it was something that the media came up with because they were like, they're pushing alcohol on children.

Thank God about time something was done about those children. So, yeah, no, we have them all. It's like the same as we talked about in the lift coming up briefly, Britain's great penchant for crisps or chips flavors. Yeah. It's the same with like fruity alcoholic drinks. We are crazy all over those. Oh, interesting. What are the popular brands? Popular brands? Smirnoff.

You know, obviously you have Smirnoff Ices, Smirnoff Black Ices, Smirnoff Mules. Oh, wow. Smirnoff Mule doesn't sound good. It's like just a Moscow Mule. You have a Moscow Mule? That involves a ginger beer. Grapefruit and vodka.

Right? I think it's like ginger beer and vodka and something else. Jordan, I could fill a swimming pool with what you don't know about booze. I guess so. What else do we have? Mike's Hard Lemonade, Bulldogs. Oh, yeah, we have Mike's Hard Lemonade. The thing that baffles me about Mike's Hard Lemon Eliminate is how they they advertise it to men

oh yeah as I felt significantly less masculine drinking and hating my Bud Light Lime Arena the big one is

WKD they have in the UK now which has this terrible which is supposed to be wicked is a sort of gotcha

do you know what I mean like so it's named after the musical Wicked it's yeah basically they're all the drinks it's like to the musical Wicked. Yeah, and basically all the drinks are themed around the song.

It's like a thing to remind people of Tumblr. Yeah, exactly. Same naming convention. Defying Gravity and all this kind of thing. Defying Gravity flavor and the other ones from Wicked that no one knows. And they, yeah, WKD have these terrible series of adverts on the TV with guys just being real, like, just douchebags, basically. And it's kind of like, hey, right, fellas? But no men drink them at all.

They're just largely drunk by sort of 14-year-old girls who can't get served anything else. So we're leading the market in the joy that is super shitty Alco pop drinks. So, yeah. So the Bud Light Lime moniker is a Trojan horse in this situation. Gotcha. I haven't had a Bud Light Lime since. I don't know if this bad experience has tainted my brand loyalty toward the Bud Light Lime, but I might be switching to Miller Chill.

Really? What? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what shitty thing Miller Chill is going to slap its name on next, but I mean. And then you'll bounce from that to some other light pale lager. Yeah, then I'll just, what then I'll do is I'll just, I'll just pour, I'll just pour a thing of Pop Rocks into my mouth and then just take a shot of vodka.

That's where I'm, that's where I'm going next. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective, correcting myself. The cocktail that involves grapefruit juice is a Greyhound. I just remembered that as we were taking a break, and I am just heading off the deluge. Dear Mr. Morris. Yes, well, exactly.

Right. You should introduce yourself. I'm sorry. I apologize. We got off on a thing. Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, everybody. I'm sorry. I apologize. We got off on a thing. Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, everybody. I'm Humphrey Carr. You guys, the voice of radio, the boy detective. Yeah, yeah.

America's Radio Sweetheart. America's Radio Sweetheart. I'm so sorry. Well, then I'll take the voice of radio then. Great. Great. Absolutely. Terrific.

That's been left. Great. It was not spoken for. Spend it. All right. Great. Okay. Yeah.

You're right. You're done. Can we – I feel like we need to – just before we get too deep into this program, we should address something that happened this week. Yeah, why don't we? Humphrey, you're familiar with Comic-Con. I'm very much familiar with Comic-Con and was absolutely gutted to discover that I was here in California without a ticket. Everyone had left and gone down to San Diego. And in fact, you kindly invited me to your show here in Los Angeles.

I could not go because I was in San Diego for the Comic-Con. And frankly, I would have loved to have gone to your show. Is there something similar in England? We have this London, I think it's called London Comic Con, in fact. It's a knockoff from the same people. It's a celebration of Dennis the Menace.

Yes, yes, predominantly. Everyone comes dressed as Gnasher and Minnie the Menace. They have their own Dennis the Menace. Do they? Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that. We have a very different one. We used to get, what was really weird was He's very well behaved. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. He occasionally doesn't write thank you letters

fast enough. Oh, he's really, how ghastly. He dawdles. Yes, he's a dawdler He occasionally doesn't write thank you letters fast enough. How ghastly. He dawdles. Yes, he's a dawdler. When he uses the wrong fork, it just gets crazy. It goes off the hook. And Mr. Whatever-His-Name-Is-Next-Door.

And Mr. Wilson locks him in the cellar for two weeks. Yes, makes him clean chimneys and attend a public hanging. And he learns his lesson. Every week he learns his lesson. And good children everywhere learn that you don't profit from being naughty. We also have Kapow as well, which is run by, I think it's Grant Morrison and Warren Ellis.

This is the thing, no swanks, as we say in the UK, but we have a lot of really, like a lot of the best writers and artists of comic books are British. It seems like half of the celebrity comic writers are British. Yeah, Neil Gaiman and Warren Ellis and various people. The Duke of Edinburgh.

The Duke of Edinburgh. I heard a fun story about Grant Morrison that he genuinely believes he's talked to aliens because he went out in the desert and did peyote. And the concepts that the aliens relayed to him, he tries to put in his comics. Right, really? So occasionally I'll read a Grant Morrison comic and I was complaining about this to a friend of mine

as I was reading one that I was really enjoying. And then in came the alternate universes and dark versions of a certain character. And I'm like, isn't that bullshit? And he's like, well, yeah, it's because he talked to aliens and he feels like he needs to. He needs to start prepping us. Get across the concept that there are multiple universes. Wow, that's beautiful.

Yeah. That's gorgeous. Anyways. Where can I get one of these alien comic books? It's Superman. Yeah. Okay. Who is Superman comic books? It's Superman. Yeah. Okay. Who is Superman?

Superman. Is it two words? It's one word. He's basically a splendid man. Yeah. He's just very good. Right. Think of a really splendid guy.

Right. Right. And that's basically him. Right now I'm picturing like a really handsome guy. Occasionally. Like a Christopher Reeves. Occasionally he'll sign a correspondence, best wishes when he should write yours truly. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. And then Jor-El locks him in the cellar for two weeks. That's basically what happens. So Jordan and I had a gig at Comic-Con. We plugged on last week's show. Sure. had a gig at Comic-Con that we plugged on last week's show. Sure.

A major comic book company whose works may have just been discussed extensively over the last 20 seconds and a larger international entertainment company had a stage down there and invited us to do a show on that stage, a Jordan Jesse Go show. And Jordan was actually doing other stuff too. Yeah. show on that stage, a Jordan Jesse Go show. And Jordan was actually doing other stuff, too. Yeah, the guy who was booking the stage was a really great guy and kind of clearly a big fan of, like,

L.A. comedy stuff, because a lot of our friends were going down there and, like, performing kind of versions of well-known shows on the stage. Yeah, so essentially this stage's schedule was half sort of miscellaneous Orner Way, Rothers Bay, Iana.

That's pig Latin. Chill. For example, there was an interview where Jeff Dunham, celebrity racist puppet comedian, Jeff Dunham. To be fair, the puppets are the ones who are racist, not him. I didn't want people to think you were calling Jeff Dunham, celebrity racist puppet comedian, Jeff Dunham. To be fair, the puppets are the ones who are racist, not him. I didn't want people to think you were calling Jeff Dunham racist. No. He merely... Puts words in their mouths.

Right. He merely says the racist things that they say. Yeah, but I mean, he says them sort of like this. Right. So it doesn't count. Yeah, which is quite often what I do when I mutter something to my girlfriend on public transport that's a bit racist. Look at that guy over there. And people think your girlfriend said it because you were drinking a glass of water at the time.

At the same time. Exactly. That would be funny if they had a racist puppet act where the puppet was racist, but the human went a step further. Yeah. Like, the puppet is like, don't you know, Jews run the media. Like the puppet is like, don't you know, Jews run the media. And then the puppeteer is like, hey, now, shouldn't you let people know that the Holocaust never happened? And the puppet's like, too far.

Too far, buddy. Too far. And then he gets a little suitcase. So Jeff Dunham wasn't actually doing his. And some of his characters are not racist. Only a couple of his characters are racist. Only two of the five puppets are racist yeah some are racist characters sure sure and are not in and of themselves racist towards other puppets but just represent towards marionettes yes yeah so shadow puppets jeff dunham travels the world filling arenas doing his particularly B-minus, C-plus version of comedy.

It's not – I mean outside of the racism that is in character. I mean he could be worse. Sure. I guess for uncles. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway, he wasn't doing, he travels the world

selling 10,000 seat venues and I heard this thing on the radio about him selling out arenas in Sweden. So he wasn't doing that. He was interviewing various people who had designed Batmobiles.

For the various film versions of Batman. Yeah. So Chuck Barris, famous car customizer Chuck Beres was there. He's nearly incoherent. That was the Family Feud? Yeah. Or the Newlywed Game?

Yeah, that guy. No, the Gong Show. Oh, the Gong Show. Also the Newlywed Game? But isn't this the right guy? I may have his name wrong. There's a famous car customizer who built the TV show Batmobile. And then the other ones, the super long wing ones from Batman the movie, and then the sort of weird dumpy robot ones from the new movies are designed by other people.

Anyway, Jeff Dunham was interviewing these people. Oh, the Greyhound. Yes. Jeff Dunham was interviewing the Greyhound. Yes. Jeff Dunham was interviewing the Greyhound. Yes. And that kind of stuff was happening. But then also there was comedy shows and the comedy shows were Us and Things Like Us. Right?

Similarly toned things. Yeah. And I think the day after had like Kevin Smith doing something. Kevin Smith was doing his smash hit podcast Fat Man on Batman, which is just a rhyme he thought of one time. Isn't that the basis of most great podcasts? That's true. Just something rhymes. That's true.

Yeah. So we went down there on the train and it was – I mean I – Jordan said something beautiful in the morning, which is as you book a ticket for the train, you always think to yourself, why don't I travel by train more often? And then you ride the train and you remember. And I know that you have a complex socialist rail network in – Oh, yeah. It's a complete nightmare. It cannot possibly match. One of the big issues of trains in the United States, apparently,

is that freight trains, which actually are a significant and important way of, you know... Sure. A significant part of our economy, own the tracks and own the right-of-ways on the tracks. So if you're on a passenger train

and a freight train happens to want to get by, your passenger train has to just park and wait for the freight train to go by. Okay, that's a terrible system. We just plow into each other at a speed of 120 miles an hour and then set fire to our railway pigeons. And then the queen has to come and rip everyone out.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. She busts in. She pipes a load of beef-eater gin straight into her veins and hul everyone out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She busts in. She pipes a load of beef-eater gin straight into her veins and halts out. So we had an 8.30 train. I think we got in line around 8. It was a standing line there for that train

because we wanted to make sure to sit together so we could work on our show that was coming up. I was feeling sick. Still am a little sick. You guys will probably be sick by the end of this. Being as that we're in this sealed box. And, you know, it was we weren't delighted to be standing there. And not the least were we delighted when the woman came down the line telling each group of 15 or so people standing in line that the train that we were all waiting for had been, and I quote, annulled.

Oh, gosh. Yes. They have the power at Amtrak to make it so that trains never existed. Ceased ever to have been. They go back in time and kill the train's parents. There is an Amtrak papacy that decides what trains were canceled and what were annulled. The Rail Pope just gets a series of trains laid in front of him. He just has a really tall conductor's hat. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Ornate. A lot of people say that the Rail Pope is a Nazi, but hey, he makes the trains run on time. He does. And as they did. So our train got canceled. We had to wait an additional hour in this line. So we're 90 minutes into the line by the time we get on a train.

And this train, the second train, is standing room only, which I did not know was a thing on an Amtrak train, but apparently it is. You're just used to that for Bon Jovi concerts. Yeah, well, certainly. Sure. If it's Friday night, I'm standing by BJ. Waiting for some Beej. So we had a great ride down, I would say.

It's about a three, three and a half hour trip on the train. This one hour drive becomes a three hour trip on the train to San Diego. A lot of nearby time, presumably. And there was this point about two hours in where I thought it couldn't get any worse. Like I was, I had been standing for three and a half hours continuously. I was getting a migraine. I forgot to mention that I was getting a migraine. I think to mention that I was getting a migraine. I think this is around when I took my migraine medication. And then the doors of the train open and an

elementary school class came into our car, all wearing matching t-shirts. And their teachers had them in a line so they couldn't break the line. And so being elementary school kids, they don't know any better they just surrounded us in the aisle like the person the aisle is one person wide you'd have to turn sideways to pass each other but we were pressed up against the seats by three or four elementary school children oh god were they in costume for for the comic-con no they were headed they were learning about missions in school. So they were headed to San Juan Capistrano or something like that.

You could do quite a good Xavier school for gifted children. Oh, that would be cute. That's a good point. Yeah, no, they had their... Do you think they have a preschool over there at Xavier? Oh, yeah. You just come drop the kids off for, you know, four or five hours. Yeah, that's when they're at their most dangerous because they have zero control over themselves.

Right, yes. They're just blasting. you know yeah yeah that's when they're at their most dangerous because they've zero control over themselves right yes so just yeah yeah they pick up some play-doh and fire spines into the nearest child's face dear internet i know mutations happen at puberty okay we're just making a little saying we just it's i know come on oh god i started a fatwa amongst x-men fans they uh they hate me now so uh. So in elementary school here in California, you take one, like half a year, maybe a whole year, to learn about how the Spanish subjugated the native peoples of the Americas. Sure. It's about, you know, those kind of monks with a hole in their hair in the middle and a brown robe with a white rope around it. And then just various Indians dying of diseases. Yes. Yeah, sure.

Or just working as though they were livestock. So anyway, that's what they were headed to. We did finally get a seat, though, I think with about half an hour left in the ride. We got some jokes written. Jordan, because of his cancellation, missed his first appointment of the day, a panel he was supposed to handle. And we busted our butts down to this stage. And at that point, look, we had time. Everybody was super, super nice.

Look, we had time. Everybody was super, super nice. We had time to hit the Fox Sports bar and grill and have something that was like nachos, but with potato chips and blue cheese instead of corn chips and cheddar cheese. Okay. That sounds very British. Yeah, it does. Well, a bit French.

Blue cheese. Oh, maybe. We don't care for that. Stilton. We'll bring the chips. Okay. You bring the cheese. Gotcha. This was kind of an't care for that. Sure. Stilton. We'll bring the chips. Okay. You bring the cheese. Gotcha. This was kind of an international lunch.

Yeah. Yeah. You know. Suffice to say, it makes you sound very sophisticated. Thank you. At the Fox Sports Grill. At the Fox Sports Grill. The most.

Yeah, yeah. Our buddy Scott Simpson was there. He was actually going to be the guest on next week's Jordan, Jesse Go. It was nice to see Scott Simpson. Sure. He told us about different stuff he'd been up to at Comic Con he did a great bit for us that I really enjoyed where he took a show first he showed us

he was talking about all the cosplay he saw first he showed us a picture of him with a guy someone dressed up as a guy named Zardoz oh yeah Sean Connery yeah exactly so it was him and Zardoz and then he said but that wasn't the best cosplay I saw all day.

Take a look at this. And then he just showed us a bowl of pickle relish. Picture of a bowl of pickle relish. Humphrey, at the UK analogs to Comic-Con, is dressing up still a thing? Yes, which I was so thrilled about. Fancy dress. I went to, yes yeah fancy dress we call it um we uh yeah i went to the one i went to kapow at the london uh design center which is

which is the one run by grant or warren which everyone is one of those fellows um there it was a bit crap to be honest like because it was a british event uh and so everything was a bit small and there wasn't quite enough uh lav uh and so everything was a bit small and there wasn't quite enough uh lavatories and everyone was rather furious about it and uh uh but what was brilliant was that people had really dressed up and uh and i was just the other thing that's fantastic is i don't know how it works at comic-con but in london nobody drives anywhere it's impossible to get around we have one--way systems. Just like San Diego. Right, right, right, right. So I presume that a lot of these kids had come dressed as the Scarlet Witch on the tube from Shepherd's Bush,

which was a testament to their resilience, given that people in London, if they see anything they haven't seen before or don't understand, just immediately attack it. Or like a mob of soccer hooligans. Yeah, just immediately pour out of the nearest football stadium. Like a sign goes up. Difference! Difference over here. There's just one of those sort of scent lines

that wafts off of the person in costume and hits the soccer stadium and... And the soccer stadium people all rise up and float three feet off the ground slowly, bled by their noses and the scent signs. Right, yeah. It's like a hungry cartoon character when there's a pie on a windowsill. That's what an English soccer hooligan does when there's a nerd around.

Exactly. When there's something out of the ordinary, they immediately just attack. The costumes at Comic-Con that we saw on our way, and I didn't actually go into comic-con this time around because of circumstances that we'll describe later but um the costumes that we saw on our walk to this stage with we were surrounded by people the whole time i i like a lot of the costumes but there was something that i noticed that i didn't like which is there were some people who had very elaborate costumes and they were constantly being asked to have a picture taken of them. And when they would agree to take the picture,

they had a special pose that they did. And I don't think it was like a character-specific pose. It wasn't like they were dressed as the Heisman Trophy and they had a football behind their head and their arms outstretched. It was just a pose that they had worked up. And I didn't like how smug they were about it. Yeah.

There was a certain – it was as though they were – it was as though they were, I don't know, Robert Downey Jr. And they were giving that kind of celebrity, like a celebrity that's in a knit cap that looks – that's a little too long for their head. It looks sort of like a condom. And they're sort of wearing those kind of scruffy celebrity clothes. And they're holding in their right hand a cup of to-go coffee. And someone wants to take a picture with them.

And they do that little half-piece sign, like, uh, like that. Yeah. So there were people in costumes, dressing costume as Zardoz or whatever. Yeah. Doing that, like being like, yeah, I'm Zardoz. You got it. Yeah. You got the pick?

Okay. Sure. I'm out of here. Sure. Yeah. I guess that Comic-Con stuff is at its most ridiculous when you see someone in costume, in an elaborate, iconic costume, just doing whatever like you know waiting in line for a personal pan pizza or talking on a cell phone like when you see a wolverine

you know like like waiting for a crosswalk or something so yeah i guess that pose is to like minimize that isn't this ridiculous like making sure you are in a pose that that character would be in prevents you from looking like the ultra ridiculous version of a Comic-Con guy. Yeah, if you're going to do this, you've got to do it with maximum intensity. Yeah, yeah. In any way, being like an apologetic master chief. Sure, right. That's not going to get you anywhere in life. No.

He's famously unapologetic. Right, yeah. Anything. Murderous. Yes, that's not going to get you anywhere in life. No. He's famously unapologetic. Right, yeah. Anything. Murderous. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never once did we hear him offer any words of regret for wiping out generations of the Covenant who are people with their own culture.

He's basically the Cortez of space exploration. Master Chief testifies before United Nations panel on genocide. And then every year school children have to go to his mission. They go to his mission and they learn about how it seemed appropriate at the time. They learn how the warthogs were constructed. And there was

just something about it that gave me the heebie-jeebies. Oh, sure. Just being able to pop into that like, yeah, what's up? But also it's that thing of this is a gross generalization and I'm someone that genuinely would love – I would love to have the wherewithal to get dressed up, to go to Comic-Con and wear a Wicked Awesome outfit. But I think a lot of the people – When you say Wicked Awesome outfit, you're talking about an awesome outfit of one of the characters from the musical Wicked. No, I mean – Or a can of the – Yeah, a WKD.

A blue WKD. No, I mean a Ted Williams costume. I would... I'd love to do that, but I think a lot of the people that do do it are not used quite to handling attention. So they do in the same way

that kids do. You know, like, when you're a kid and you've seen on movies, this is how people handle certain situations. So you go, hey, you know, you walk into a diner and kick the thing and hey, give it the fronds or whatever. Well, that's how people enter diners, right? Kids, their default, when they're wondering what sort of behavior to display, they go, well, I should probably just act like the fronds. Yeah.

So for cosplayers, it's like, you know, they're not used to having people ask for photographs of them. So they're like, well, I've seen the guys in the condom hats. They go like, sure, what's up? I kind of wanted, what I wanted from them more was the other thing that a kid does, which is just go, woo, and run around. Yeah. That seems more appropriate to the spirit of the outfit to me than going like, yeah. What's up? Anyway, so we saw a lot of dudes and ladies in these outfits.

Then we saw a lot of dudes and ladies just dressed in a costume of person going to Comic-Con. Oh, just on a side note on the costumes. This year I did a little bit of walking around for the weekend and I noticed a huge percentage of gender bending costumes. I noticed a lot of like men dressed as famous female characters and females dressed as famous male characters. Interesting. I did not see that the time that I went and walked the floor. That sounds great. Yeah.

That actually has a little bit. Because the other thing about the costumes is you just feel like a lot of the people are just wearing, you know, they just went to StarWarsCostume.com and said, like, give me the $3,000 one. Yeah. Which is, like, fun and everything. But it's not that. It doesn't have the $3,000 one. Yeah. Which is, like, fun and everything, but it's not that, it doesn't have the joie de vivre that you want. You know what I mean? I like the idea of someone wearing a reverse gender costume

because then that's really, you're really doing a thing. Sure. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Anyways, we should finish this. I forgot what point we were When we went off on a tangent What was going on

We were at the Fox Sports Bar and Grill Eating those weird potato chips I think that was our point The Fox Sports Bar and Grill is a really fun place to hang out So we had a show scheduled Our guests were Scott Simpson And Dana Snyder Who's been a guest on this show

I'm sure will be a guest again He's a delightful guy He's one of the voices on Aqua Teen Hunger Force our friend Scott Simpson, and Dana Snyder, who's been a guest on this show. I'm sure will be a guest again. He's a delightful guy. He's one of the voices on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and is going to be one of the voices on an upcoming MAD magazine television, animated television program on Cartoon Network. And everything was great. I mean, Jeff Dunham went over a little bit. Well, when Dunham gets to riffing.

Yeah, I know. It's one of those things. You know, he shows up at the comedy store. You've got to give him some stage. Yeah, bumped by Dunham went over a little bit. Well, when Dunham gets to riffing. Yeah, I know. It's one of those things. He shows up at the comedy store. You've got to give him some stage. Bumped by Dunham. I mean, every comic's been bumped by Dunham. That's how you know you've made it. The super nice stage manager told me, he grabbed me by the shoulder.

He said, look, we're going to have Dunham go an extra 15. But just so you know, we still want you to do the full hour. We've got the extra time built into the schedule. So you're just going to go from quarter after to quarter after. Don't worry about it. We'll get you started as soon as we can. And they, like, you know, we gave them, we didn't really give them a stage plot. We just said, hey, how about a table and some blah, blah, blah.

And they had that up there in 20 seconds. Yeah, definitely some of the, like, of the live shows we've done, definitely the most kind and attentive and bright stage crew. And there was a point where we went over to the booth to set up the recording because we were going to record this for the show, for the podcast. And the guy who had been hired to do the sound did not have any recording equipment with him because nobody had told him. And in an ordinary situation, that would mean, oh, great, Jesse has to fucking figure it all out when we had 20 minutes before we were going to go on stage and it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. We hadn't eaten after standing up for six hours continuously. And I've already drank at eight Bud Light Limeritas.

Sure. This guy is pounding these things. He found a Rite Aid on the way. Yeah. And you know what happens when Jordan goes into Rite Aid. I come out with a case of Limeritas. Yeah, and some of those special blister bandages, you know, for when you get a blister on your foot. But that's just because you don't get there that often, and you can't just get those at the regular grocery store.

Well, and if you're also teaching a child to play the violin, you put one on the bow so he knows where to put his thumb. Sure. And so- These are multi-use items. And so they said, don't worry, we'll get this sorted out. While we were sitting in the Fox Sports Bar and Grill, the producer of this whole thing came in, he said, found us in the Fox Sports Bar and Grill and said, I just wanted to let you know we've got it all sorted out.

Don't worry about it. Which was like amazing. Because almost always when we do these shows, as Jordan said, we have to, you know, we have to do everything. Yeah. Essentially. And it's a continue. It's a nightmare the whole time. Yeah.

It's exactly the same. I mean, you know, it's exactly the same back home where the amount of times any time I get real horror, any time I go and do a show of any kind anywhere I haven't been before because you just, the amount of times you turn up and they're like, yeah, you're just on the side of this cliff face where howling wind's buffeting you and the audience, they're, see

that town over there? They're behind a screen. Yeah, they're behind a screen in the bell tower of that church four miles away. Is this, have you guys ever done a show on the other side of this waterfall. Yeah. There's no mic, so you'll have to project. You'll have to, yeah, but you're an actor, right?

Sort of. We did have a little bit of that going on, though. We were essentially performing on a stage from Lollapalooza. Yeah. It was in a field, had one of those scrims surrounding it with stuff printed on it. Coming on after us, porno for pyros. But I have to say that as much as I was worried about that, I was really excited that our logo was on the scrim.

It was pretty good. Yeah, it was pretty good. And what were we on top of? Psych. Yeah, we were billed above Psych, the television program Psych. And that is the anchor of the USA Network. Yeah, exactly. So, am I right?

Yeah, I did a show at Glastonbury once. We did improv in a field, which was literally the throwing out area by the hospital tent. So everybody that had dropped a load of disco biscuits and had a really bad night was then like literally gently deposited in a field next door. And we were like, hi guys. So, okay, you guys ready for some improv? Anybody? So let's get a word.

You there convulsing. Yeah. Fellow over there frothing. Where's somebody you'd love to go on vacation? Frothing? Okay. Let's do this thing. Hello, I'd like to buy some frothing, please.

It was not a great... We weren't great at improv anyway. I don't know. I was kind of loving where you were going with that. No, that was a pretty good scene. I presume you were in a Rite Aid? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I said, we don't have any frothing, but we do have these Bud Lights. I would rather drink the frothing. And we had a nice enough turnout for a show that was of the nature of this show. You know, we had a couple dozen fans there. You know, a dozen or two randos. A guy who looked like George R.R. Martin. Yep. And just was staring at us uncomprehendingly.

Are you sure it wasn't him? It could have been. It could have been. It could have been. To be fair, I think George R.R. Martin was fatter than this guy. Yeah, this guy was, yeah, svelte. Look out for book six. There could be two gentlemen doing a show who end up getting raped and having their heads chopped off.

Right, sure. Oh, no. So, I don't know. How would you describe our show? We were going along fine. Gosh, i don't know if i could bring it up on my phone fast enough but i'd maybe if i could read our little prepared bit yeah sure we had i think that might give kind of a little bit of an insight as to

the what's going to happen here so what we did what we like to do a lot of times oh here we go okay you know our show is mostly bullshit um but we like to open with something where we wrote some jokes, even if they're not jokes that we have gone over many times or performed in front of other audiences. Just something to demonstrate to the audience that we're capable of generating actual jokes. So here's what we did. Here's our opening. We had Comic-Con fun facts. I don't read all of these, but I'll read some of them just to give an idea of the tone. So like, hey, we've prepared some Comic-Con fun facts.

A popular subculture at the Comic-Con are bronies. The popular theory is that their name is short for bros who like my little ponies. But in fact, it's actually short for a lifetime of virginity uh and here's a couple there's a mother uh if you come across joss whedon he does not want to talk to you about the avengers he'd much rather read your buffy the vampire slayer fan script and here i'll do i'll do two more uh if you're attending the costume ball tonight one of the guys dressed like Doctor Who is wanted for murder

if you can guess who it is and turn him into the San Diego PD you'll be rewarded a limited edition pewter TARDIS and here's where I think it's about to go wrong if you're making love to a steampunk lady it's okay to perform oral sex on her.

Just be careful not to get your tongue stuck in the gears. And so little did we know, but when we made that joke, apparently something went horribly wrong backstage. So we're just going along, doing our show, doing fine. We bring Scott Simpson on. Scott Simpson starts talking about the special parts of staying in the disabled room in the hotel. Okay. Among other things, I believe he said, it's nice because you get two peepholes, one at face height and one at dick height. And I really enjoyed when Scott said that the crest for the city of San Diego should – oh, he said that San Diego – he said, why are there no bros at Comic-Con?

And it's because San Diego is Comic-Con for bros. Yeah. As a city. bros like yeah as a city uh anyway so so then so at some point and i i forget where the the guy who booked us was giving me the cut it off motion and i didn't really know what he was doing uh and then he just said they're gonna cut your mics uh this is about 10 minutes in so we're about 10 minutes in and i see i see the stage manager giving the wrap it up. And I'm like, I'm totally baffled because he had just 10 minutes before told me to definitely do an hour. So I'm really confused about what's going on here. But I'm like, I think I may have even said into the mic, does that mean wrap it up?

And so I'm like, OK, well, then we'll try and bring this to an end somehow so that it's not just us walking off stage. And then I hear Jordan's. And so we're talking and I'm trying to close it up. And I hear Jordan say into the microphone, he says they're going to cut our microphones. Yeah. And so I just go, OK, well, I guess that's our show. And to be fair. So there is this point and I want to clear something up, and I think

there's been some speculation about this. So we've been told to cut it off, and there was this time when we were just trying to end it. Scott Simpson did say the words date rape as something that was on the San Diego crest. But I think it's important to the story to say that we had already been told to leave by the time he had said date rape. Yeah. Anyways, continue. So we just say Scott's assignment. Daniel Tosh. So I think I may have said a date rape drug. Maybe that was you. I think I said I think we Scott had said that the the San Diego crest should be a battleship and a pair of flip-flops on a volleyball.

And then I said with a date rape drug rampant, which is a thing from crests. Sure. Yes. Yeah, yeah. We know all about that back home. And so – You know about rampants. And so, yeah. So we just sort of – we were just totally baffled, confused. Like, I thought, what did you think was going on?

I thought that there might be some kind of electric, there was only, I could only figure out two things. One was that there was some kind of electrical problem. But that seemed weird because we were talking and everything seemed to be fine. The other was, I thought that maybe, like, Val Kilmer had showed up. Right. And he wanted to go on stage and talk about Batman or something. Like, something of that level. We were getting bumped.

Bumped for Kilmer. Yeah. Or Jeff Dunham coming back on. Yeah, he's like, Jeff Dunham, I want to do that. I found one of my puppets. And since Peanut has something to say about Comic-Con. Since we had, since. Why are there so many Mexicans?

Since right before we had gone on, he had said like, let's do an hour. I figured it had to be like Val Kilmer or something. Sure. I couldn't think, or like the guy who plays Harry Potter. You know what I mean? Like something, some crazy shit had happened. Yeah. And we were going to go off stage and they were going to be like, we're so sorry, but

George Clooney's here and he needs to go on right now. Yeah. So I was like, well, we'll see what it is that's so exciting that's happening. That means that we have to get off stage. And so I don't know. How would you describe our going off stage process? Well, yeah, we came off stage and then and then then a woman who we had never seen before. This is someone who had not introduced themselves. We hadn't seen hanging out backstage. Just says, I'm the head of publicity and we think what you guys were doing was really inappropriate.

She was the head of marketing for all of Warner Brothers. Sure. Yeah. She basically tells Batman what to do. Yes. And Dawson from Dawson's Creek. Yes, Dawson. Yeah.

She also has to answer to her. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess she just really thought we were being filthy. And, yeah, and just said, you know, there's families here. We're going to play the Goonies later. Yeah. Is that something that she used to do? Let's be clear.

Six hours later. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and the movie the next night, Friday the 13th. So, I mean, obviously, it's a family venue. It's a family event. The kids love that nude wakeboarding scene. It's the reboot. Yeah.

I mean, she was talking to us in this tone like we had gone into an elementary school and taken off our pants. Sure. Like as though we were sickos, basically. Meanwhile, we don't have any idea who this woman is yeah no she someone somewhere in the middle someone told us who she was yeah uh in the middle of our of the five minute berating um and and you know god this is definitely something that i've experienced before in my in my last job they they uh at at Fuel TV, there was a period where they wanted to kind of amp up how outrageous the show was being. I mean everyone – Tosh is hot and they kind of wanted that outrageousness.

So I feel like I would film some segments that I thought were kind of tonally what they wanted. And when they turn out to be too much, like you get that. Now, really? Really? thought were kind of tonally what they wanted and when they turn out to be too much like you get that now really really do you and like that that idea of like now i understand hey this isn't for us but that like you're being a little gross like that's that's the thing that i find the most outrageous yeah and i i you know the other the other the big warner brothers property uh that we have any kind of connection with is our friend and regular guest on jordan jesse go rob corddry has a television program called children's hospital uh which may be the most vulgar thing in the history of television sure yeah no it's it's really strange and yeah this

the thing is because i i was familiar i was going to be in the next two comedy shows they were having on that stage. One of them is the Tournament of Nerds. Yeah. Yeah, and so this woman berates us for five minutes or so. Not quite, three or four minutes, but that's a long time to be berated. Time it out. Plenty of time. And then sort of our responses are, I said sort of weakly, well, this is our show. Yeah.

I was still in confusion mode. So expecting Clooney to pop out from behind her at any moment. And Jordan said, I don't know if you, like, we are, frankly, the shows that are coming on later are a lot more vulgar than we were just now. Because, frankly, I don't want to give people the wrong picture outside of those couple we listed all of the vulgar jokes that we did in our 10 minutes yes that was it like everything else was totally pg yeah um so uh i mean they're very vulgar jokes don't get me wrong yeah but we had an adult audience that brilliant thing that happens so often in i think i i'm convinced that to comedians more often than anything else.

I imagine it probably happens to bands quite a lot as well, where people, usually sort of corporate people, book things without really knowing what they are. Something I've actually really noticed over here, since I've been here, I've only been here a week, so this is a gross generalization based on being new to this country. People are fat here. Everybody's so fat.

What's with that? A lot of places where I see comedy advertised around the place, new to this country. People are fat here. Everybody's so fat. No. What's with that? No, it is, a lot of places where I see comedy advertised around the place, it's advertised just as like, comedy.

Yeah. Tonight, comedy. Yeah. What sort of comedy? Who's doing it? What? It's a comedy show.

It's comedy. It's where you drink. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. You come here,

you buy drinks, you pay $5 to get your coat checked yeah and you watch comedy yeah and uh and so this was actually a little bit different than that because i think well let's get into what we think happened in a minute so i want to finish what of this berating here so and jordan says i think that those you know these other shows are more vulgar than we just were um and he's not saying it like accusatorily. He's just saying it because he's also confused as to what's going on. And I had made plans to be in both of them. Yes.

And so – and this woman says, well, maybe it was a mistake for those shows to be booked here. First she said, well, they won't be today. And then she said, well, maybe it was a mistake for those shows to be booked here. Maybe it was a mistake for us to have brought you here. By the way, they paid – in my case, they paid for my train ticket. That was the extent of their financial contribution. I think they were paying Jordan a little bit to do some of the other things that he was supposed to be doing. But our show was free.

We were not charging them to do this show. So she says – she goes uh and maybe it was wrong maybe it was a mistake for us to book you here and for that i apologize the worst apology you could ever get from someone ever maybe she is just apologizing for us being shitty yeah you're a dick which is a shame yeah exactly that exactly. And then she went into another long tirade of berating. And I will say that I did have one really positive take home from this whole thing. One moment where I felt like, you know, I redeemed the day for myself a little bit. In that after she said that horrible comment.

You reached into your pocket and took out some of the blue cheese chips that you had hidden there. After she said that horrible comment and berated us for a further two or three minutes, I did say, well, apology accepted, which I was very happy about. And then we just sort of walked away to go find dana snyder and tell him why he had run over to our stage but was not going to go on at all yeah and then we went outside and tried to explain to the you know 12 or 15 jordan jesse go fans that were sort of milling around wondering what was happening um what the fuck had just happened did you put on like a little private show for them yeah well we saw you put on like a little private show for them

yeah well we saw you know we did a little i did one for the ladies in my hotel room later sure sure and you did you did the pose of the cosplayer yeah i did the wolverine a yeah hey bub um nice i mean thank you to those folks who came out yeah absolutely and everybody was so nice i mean our fans are always so nice. Yeah, absolutely. I don't think we've ever experienced, I don't think we've ever had a negative fan experience. Which is weird. I mean, this show feels like it would attract

a real sort of jerk. Yeah, sure. Thus far, I've seen only real wieners. We're kind of the Maxim magazine of podcasting. Sure, sure. That's how people describe us. Just loads of dudes in jumpsuits. Well, a lot of people say that we're bad to the bone.

Sure. I can see that um so yeah no and and and and uh and thanks to all the the other a lot of the other comics who were on there later um uh i will say that this sort of thing happened to a couple of other people got thrown off stage and a lot of the other comics said some very nice things about us uh so yeah thanks to thanks to all our buds who kind of backed us up in that situation. Yeah, it was really good of those folks. I actually ran into Rob Corddry on the train. I haven't even told you this, Jordan. No, yeah.

But I ran into Rob Corddry probably outside of the stars of Mike and Molly, the WB's biggest comedy star. Oh, I guess they have the Big Bang Theory. The Big Bang Theory guys. Those guys are big. So I ran into Rob getting off the – he was getting off the train as I was getting on the train. I just changed my train ticket to the first train out of town because I was like, geez, this is horrible. And it turns out actually that it's a very nice train ride when you have a chair to sit in. And then you thought to yourself, why don't I do this more?

Yeah, exactly. So the cycle begins again. Right, yes. The cycle of train abuse. I pulled into Los Angeles 45 minutes late and remembered. But I ran into Rob. I told him. He was, like, gobsmacked.

Because the thing is, this is what I think happened. Because the thing is, is this is what I think happened. And I think what happened is the people who were in charge of this operation, who are in charge of the stage, are what you might call nice, cool people who understand their market. Liked all these great comedians on our friends Kumail and Jonah's stand-up show. And as someone backstage, I won't say who, said to me, hey, we're just grateful that people agreed to come do our show, that great people agreed to come do our show. I think what happened is they know the difference between a good thing and a bad thing. They know the difference between vulgarity or profanity and something that is offensive. Yeah. And they know what Comic-Con is.

Yeah. They know that it's not a place where children watch the Goonies primarily. Right. And I think those folks put together a really solid thing. And Jeff Dunham came by and he said, can I be involved? And they said, yeah, you can interview the Batmobile guys. You know what I mean? And actually, you know what?

I once read a New York Times Magazine profile of Jeff Dunham. He's a collector of – what's that called? Not puppets of the specific kind where the – Marionette? Charlie McCarthy. Ventriloquist dummies? ventriloquist dummies and he seemed like a sweet really sweet decent guy who

maybe doesn't understand why his comedy is racist but anyway they like put together a nice thing that was totally like right down the middle for Comic Con they got Kevin Smith they got all these people to come and do their shows without any budget yeah they were justifiably proud of this cool thing that they had put together on this stage in a field and just their boss's boss happened by yeah and just started screaming at people it's amazing i did after when

i left university i did the first job I had out of university was doing an improv tour on behalf of top assholes. I can't remember what they're called. Accountancy. TA, yeah, we know TA. TA, what's the... KPMG is the company.

I don't know whether they exist over here. I'm sure they're a British subsidiary of some gigantic American accountancy firm. They're a part of the Canterbury. Wait, are you saying- Cadbury. Shit. Sorry.

Cadbury. They're part of the Cadbury company. Yes. Yeah, I'm sure. They're a part of the Archbishop of Canterbury. The Archbishop of Canterbury's secret portfolio. Wait, so you did an- Are you saying, just clarifying here-

I sold out. You did an improv show? You did a touring improv show on behalf of an accountancy firm? Yeah, already. What does that mean? It sounds like an incredible idea. Yeah. It involved going around universities and trying to entertain the kids during their careers weeks

when they go and look at different companies and look at what they wanted to do. You were like a recruiting tool. Yeah. Oh, I mean, this is like- Cool guys like this hang out at our accounting yeah yeah yeah yes and you kids

yes and you can deduct that yeah yes and you can hide that offshore account we we had to dress as Elizabethan characters as well and it basically it was horrific. Why?

It was just exactly what... And we were there going, look, what we could do is, if you want, get the university theatre. We had six people who were all pretty good, funny improvisers. Like, why don't we go and do... And you. And me. Why don't we go and do what it is we do? And in the end, you can put a banner on the stage that says KPMG.

If the kids enjoy it, maybe they'll go and look at the thing tomorrow. Instead, we had to stand outside the kind of the student unions they're called. Yeah, that's what they're called here, actually. Right, right, right. And try and draw crowds. Where we went to college, the hacky sack field. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we had to try and draw people in and entertain them.

It was horrific. The Doobage Quad. It was the worst. It was terrible. People, students hated us. Any kind of comedic barking is so awful. Oh, it's just the worst. So we got howled at. People threw things at us.

It was appalling. While you were in a top hat. Yeah, I mean, proper doublet and hose. Like Tudor Shakespeare outfit, basically. Like with tights on or pantyhoses, I believe. Oh, dear. Yeah, just the worst. But we had this lady who was the equivalent of your lady who basically spent the entire time telling us that she knew what was best.

She knew what students, which we were, liked. I left university like five weeks ago. And I am these people i know exactly i looked for a job uh not with kpmg like this time six months ago and instead we were just all around my highlight being there was a homeless lady sat outside one of the one of the the the unions begging and she was singing she'd sing as her way of like, you know, here's me, how I earn my crust.

And we were ordered to go and bark over her and drive her off her homeless person patch in order to, in order to try and get them to become accountants.

And they wonder why they have a bad reputation. Grind that poor person into the dust. Show them who's boss. Show that lady. i don't think i had ever been yelled at by someone i had never met and to be fair she wasn't yelling in terms

of volume she was yelling in terms of tone she was clearly someone who was used to telling people things and then having them be like oh thank you yes Yeah. Yes, man. I had never had that experience before where just someone out of nowhere hated me. Right. It's a disconcerting experience. Yeah. For reasons that I was trying to put together in real time in my head. That was the thing. We did not know the narrative of events that had led to us getting.

We stepped off stage and suddenly a strange little woman was yelling at us. not know the narrative of events that had led to us getting we were just we were just like we stepped off stage and suddenly a strange little woman was yelling at us because you think it would have gone better if we were in like elizabethan like costume i can guarantee you it would not every bit as awful i think it's assumed that everything goes better in elizabethan costume but only courting we caught like. We caught the shit out of all the English. What about cross-dressing? If you're in Elizabethan costume and you cross-dress, you're guaranteed

to be married within two hours. It makes those ladies DTC. Unfortunately to your brother, who is already dressed as a woman as well. What a fun mix-up. Yes. Oh no, how do we sort this out? A song. yeah also the being told off thing it's like you're now your friends moms don't have authority over you anymore you don't get that

experience you do when you're like to 9 10 11 yeah you break something and you get told off or you'd be misbehaving and they had that like blanket agreement that you could get told off by anyone yeah that's a great analogy it is like when you're at a sleepover and you break something or say a bad word and then like another mom is yelling at you. It's like, what? Is this allowed? Is this cool? It's like when you find out that your friend's parents don't allow their children to say

hella. Sure. Yeah. That happened to me once as a kid. Yeah, or watch particular cartoons or whatever it may be. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I don't understand. But also you have to add in it's as though it was a parent

that just came home and you had never met in your life. Yes, yeah, yeah. Just come back from the war. That just happened to see you. Really? You're telling me off already? I thought we'd do a hug first. At least we don't people a lot of people have asked me if we're going to share the recording the truth is that at the end of all of that i didn't really feel like going over to

the recordings booth and being like hey guys so can i get that dvd yeah good stuff guys good stuff yeah great job everybody um i don't i don't think you're missing anything, not hearing it, frankly. So can I read one more of the jokes? Yeah, sure. Okay. Here. Wait. Wait.

Oh, I need a second. Oh, here it is. It's coming. Okay. Let's see. Which one should I do? Oh, okay. If you're attending okay wait if you missed the breaking bad panel here's a bit

of insider info showrunner vince gilligan is promising that the final season the pauses will be even pregnanter in fact each episode will be two-thirds tense silences i can't imagine why they cut that off. Yeah, it seems. Maybe just bad grammar. Yeah, she was like, this is not how the WB likes to be spoken about. She's actually a public radio listener, so she was upset about our grammar.

She's curious about the pregnant-er. More pregnant heckling from the back. There should have been more in there. In all sincerity, I want to thank all the people that made time in their Comic-Con schedules when they could have been at the Archer panel, from what I understand, to come over to a weird field and see us do an 11-minute show. Yeah, Scott will be on the show next week in studio, so that should be fun if you feel like you're missing out on Scott Sampson. We'll get Dana in here sometime soon, too.

One of our favorite guests always. Surely you should get the lady from the WB at some stage. Oh, yeah, we should. Come and explain herself. That's a good point. Oh, and because we received such shoddy treatment, we are asking that all our listeners boycott The Dark Knight. Yeah. So stand with us in not seeing the best batman movie of all time those

overnights are going to come in and be like what happened yeah what happened we lost about 35 people we got crushed by that step up movie step up revolution damn you yeah i think we should call this the step up revolution this movement that we're starting oh yeah for people to go see step to be fair i have already bought my Batman tickets, so I will be going. But I ask that you do not. Do as I say. And I had already bought my tickets for Step Up Revolution. Oh, okay.

So this isn't a change in plans for me. So are we maybe pulling people from Batman and saying to go see Step Up Revolution? Yeah, because we want to really take a chunk out of it. It wants to be notable we want someone at Warner Brothers to sit down the next day like what and plus I think this what's important is that we we were we did not get paid for this show that

we did a comic-con but we got paid pretty well for the show we did at step up con mm-hmm step con step yeah step con one 2012 I love that no Channing show we did at Step Up Con. Step Con? Step Con. Yeah. Step Con 1. Step Con 2012. I love that. No Channing Tatum again. Yeah. Every year they think he's going to come.

Yeah, always canceled at the last minute. He's always too busy. Can I ask you a question? Channing Tatum, that's the guy from the movie- Step Up. It's from Step Up. With Jonah Hill. 21 Jump Street.

21 Jump Street. Yes. He's famous from Step Up. That's why he's talented. I knew when I saw that. I went to see 21 Jump Street, and I knew this must be a famous person because they're treating him like a famous person. Right. But I genuinely, my wife asked me, who is this guy?

And usually I can answer that question. Is he a guy from Step Up? Yeah, I think the deal with, and he's also in Magic Mike and I hear he's very good at it. So yeah, I think the thing with Tatum is that he got started in the Step Up movies because he's a classically trained dancer, former male stripper. And I think, yeah, the 21 Jump Street, that was him trying to break out from tween Tiger Beat fandom into legitimate – He was perfectly good in that movie. Although, a lot of people

will tell you that that's a good movie. It's not a good movie. Oh, Rod Swanson's in it. It's, it's not a bad movie, really.

Hmm. I don't think you shouldn't watch it. Yeah. You'll enjoy some of the good jokes in it. I'm going with Jordan in that it's uncategorizable

because it has Nick Offman in it, and as a result it exists. It's automatically better. It just goes into a sort of splendid box. Sure.

Gotcha. Along with the life of Megan Mullally. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And that one episode of the West Wing where he comes to

try and save wolves. Oh, that sounds great. Was it on your episode of International Waters Humphrey that Sarah Thayer told that story about Megan Mullally's birthday party that or no, Megan Mullally's birthday party that

or no, Nick Offerman's birthday party that Megan Mullally put together? I listened to that episode. That wasn't on my episode. It was amazing. Sounds incredible. You gotta listen to International Waters if you want to hear that story, but it involves Sarah Thayer and Andy Richter participating in a simulated sex scene

for the entertainment of either Nick Offerman or Megan Mullally. I can't remember which one. Yeah, it was Nick organized the party for Megan. Okay either Nick Offerman or Megan Mullally. I can't remember which one. Yeah, it was Nick organized the party for Megan. Okay, for the benefit of Megan Mullally. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, God bless. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you do some advertisements, shall we? Yeah, I would love to. Shout out to Squarespace, where you can create your own blog or website in minutes. They have templates. They have 24-7 support.

They have online workshops. It makes it very easy for you to make a website for yourself or for your business. And they also give you a free domain if you sign up for a year. So go to squarespace.com. You get 10% off if you use our coupon, which is jjgo7 jjgo7 at squarespace.com And also

maybe you would like to watch Comedy Bang Bang every Friday night at 10, 9 central on IFC. It's an absurd half-hour comedy show that only looks like a talk show. Scott Aukerman, a former guest on this show, is the host. Reggie Watts is the one-man band. And they have awesome guests, Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen.

And this Friday, the guest will be Ed Helms, who will show off his banjo and animal noise-making skills. Hey, and guess what's up on the Jumbotron? We have specifics on the birth of Guy and Mary Beth's child, William James Welch, 8 pounds, 5 ounces, born on Monday, July 2nd. Happy birthday, young man. Welcome to the world. Enjoy humanity.

Mm-hmm. It can be pretty horrible. But it has its moments. No, that's why they have that expression. Oh, the humanity. Right. Because it's so great. Anyway, very, very excited for Guy and Mary Beth.

Happy bouncing baby boy. Home with them after a couple days. So great news. Very happy. Congratulations, guys. Congratulations, William. happy bouncing baby boy, home with them after a couple days. So great news. Very happy. Congratulations, guys. Congratulations, William. One day in the future, you'll listen to this on a hologram

and be delighted. And then be disappointed into it and want to spend the rest of the day in your sex chamber. Yeah, downloading coffee. You'll hear our description of Comic-Con and be saddened because in your beautiful future, Comic-Con is just a fuckfest. It's just fucking. They cut out all of the other bullshit and go straight to the nerds fucking each other. It's just like a giant fuckatorium surrounded by robots that kill anyone who leaves without banging.

by robots that kill anyone who leaves without banging. It seems weird that anyone would think that our show was inappropriate for general audiences. I don't see it. Anyway, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, cheap and easy. If you want to have a sustained effort, like our friends at IFC and Squarespace, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll work it out for you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Rick Hahn, the voice of radio. Hey, let's go to momentous occasions, shall we? I think that's a good idea. When something momentous happens in our guests' lives, we ask that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN and share that momentousness with us. Brian Fernandez on the boards.

Let's go to the phones. Jordan, Jesse, this is Cynthia from Boston with Momentous Occasion. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago from brain surgery. My brain was too big for my head, but now I have some more space. More powerful than ever. Yay. I want everyone to call in drugged up after surgery. This is the best.

That is good. That's brilliant. Decreased brain size. Wasn't, Stop Podcasting Yourself was doing a thing for a while where people had to call in in the middle of the night. Oh, yeah. They had to set their alarms to wake themselves up at a weird time and then call in to stop podcasting yourself right away. I think we've got them beat with this new post-surgery segment. Yeah.

Come on, guys. Get yourselves in accidents. Yeah. Get yourself surgery. Or ladies, call us after you got some bigger jugs. All right. Ow! 591 Rock, 591 Roll.

Traffic on the five. As my friend Jimmy Pardo says. Man, congratulations on the headspace. I can only presume that the surgery she had is called a trepanation. That's where they cut a plug of your skull out so evil spirits can escape. Oh, yeah. Standard procedure. You still get that on the NHS in the UK.

Oh, yeah, really? Don't need your Obama care for that. Just get it for free. Let's hear another call. Jordan, Jesse, I had a momentous occasion. So I've been seeing this girl for a while, and we just said I love you. And that's the first time I've ever done that. I am 27 years old.

I have never said I love you to somebody and had to say I love you too. And she did, and we are in love, and it's kind of insane. and we are in love and it's kind of insane and I bowled over by the whole thing thanks see you think

just when you think that momentous occasions has become a segment called surprising new perversities we first call in after sex act a segment called Surprising New Perversities. First call in after sex act. First Donna calls in to tell us she's headed to the Olympics. And now we have a brain surgery and a first I love you in his life. God.

That is beautiful. That is lovely. I'm crying right here. It's as though I just watched the notebook in 25 seconds the other great thing about it to start off with it really sounded

from the tone of his voice like he just killed somebody yeah and so I have a momentous occasion something momentous has just happened

go on I've taken a life yeah and I hunger for more no Queen Elizabeth no no no. Quick, get the stun gun. Just shot her back into the top tower.

No, not the gamma ray gun. Wrong gun. This makes her more powerful. You've tripled her size. And her constitutional powers. She's now nearly 12 feet tall. Quick, call Robo Pippa. Yeah.

It's our only hope. Mecca Pippa. Yeah. That's our only hope. Mecca Pippa. Yeah. Does she throw hats? I don't know. Yeah. To be perfectly honest, I don't even really know who Pippa is. Her superhero is called the Fascinator.

Sure. Good. Great. Top hat joke. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

Pippa is, I suppose constitutionally speaking, Pippa is the, she's sort of like the Speaker of the House. She has the power to veto bills passing through Parliament if they do not please her posterior. Yeah. She has to ask her ass before. It's like she rubs her bum and a genie comes out. Are all of your laws related to ass play? Every single one. Gotcha.

I believe that's what the founding fathers did not care for. That's called the Thatcher Revolution. Yes, exactly. Prior to that, it was like a DP thing. Right. You put a bill in someone's mouth and it came out of their bottom. Right. But now it's solely ass.

Right. In the post-Thatcher. The mouth is not involved. It's funny because it's funny how we could be separated by a common system of government. We're both democratic nations. We are. A lot of our laws have to do with things like

aqueducts and highways. Of course, the defense of the nation. And you guys are really focused right in on ass play. Ass play, bonus. That kind of stuff. Sure, sure. We're all over that. Well, of course, now Europe's got involved.

Now we're in the European Union. Right, and you don't want to know what the Italian parliament's up to. Tell me about it. Exactly, yeah. People from Brussels, they're all like, listen, your boners are not the same standardized size as Italian boners. Yeah, lay down and be peed on. Yeah, you need to go to a club in Dusseldorf.

Come out a changed man. Never able to look at yourself in the mirror again. Talk to an octopus named Dieter. Yes, yeah, yeah. He will predict the outcome of a sporting event did you guys hear about this we had loads of this

this is the new thing in Europe oh we love that octopus right yeah wait you have other animals that predict sporting events now there was Paul the octopus

so he was a big deal and then in the recent in the Euros Paul died unfortunately basically Paul this is not doing nothing for their international reputation

the Germans murdered Paul after he predicted them to win the World Cup and they failed to. Well, he died literally two days later. Yeah, mysteriously. Yeah, yeah, with a whiff of Zyklon B in his tank. Too much or not enough? No, no, perfect. At least you got the name of the chemical right. Yes, always.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very big on my chemicals. But then, yeah, we had in the Euros recently, Greece had a sort of, you know, like a goat that would chew up a shirt. Oh, Greece had a goat. That's the best they could come up with. That was, yeah. Very economic distress. They borrowed it from Germany.

No. You have to give five goats back. The president of Greece was like, bring me a mighty white stallion. And then this goat walks in chewing a tin can yeah there were loads of we back home during that we had a big europe european football championships the basically everyone went crackers because the joy of it was that germany played greece in the football we were like oh my god's too hilarious. I can't deal with all the jokes. So many things about borrowing goals.

Yes, Germany will lend Greece three goals in the first half, but they have to get ten back in the second. So we were very pleased by it. We had a good time. That sounds fun. It was a hoot. A hoot was had. If something momentous happens to you, like your octopus dies,

or is murdered, murdered, 206-984-4FUN, the number to call, JJGo at MaximumFun.org. And, hey, I want to mention something. We have not yet confirmed our venue for our London shows. So I do not want to say that we have a confirmed venue because the truth is that we don't. However, I can say that our shows will be on – we're currently planning for our shows to be on Saturday night, August 11th. Saturday, August 11th. And we are going to do two shows, if all goes according to Hoyle, an expression that all the English people have never heard in their lives. And so they're completely

confused as to what's happening now. If everything goes as planned, we will have two shows, a Jordan Jesse Go show and an International Waters show. I think you should come to both. That's just me. But I think you should come to both.

Yeah, if fucking Phish fans can sit through a six hour concert you guys can sit through two shows with a break in between I'm tired of Fish being better than us or people thinking that they are because they're not in related news if Fish can play

the Meadowlands in New Jersey with 55,000 screaming fans why can't we play the Tokyo Dome in Tokyo with 80,000 fans? Sure. Jordan, Jesse, go. Live at Budokan. Why has that not happened?

I was just about to say that. Cheap trick, did it? We're basically the cheap trick of podcasting. We can't even do Red Rocks. Why aren't we at Red Rocks? You need to find a new live manager because they can make all of this happen. Yeah. Jeez Louise.

You know what the problem is? Red Rocks has a very strict content policy. Is your unnamed venues in London, Wembley Stadium? Shh. Keep it on the DL, everybody. It's Madison Square Garden. So I don't know if you have any tips for us when we're playing out there, but it sounds like people go nuts for Germany v. Greece humor.

Yeah. Or jokes about how much money Greece owes Germany. We've got a pretty solid Angela Merkel chunk. Yeah, we'll eat that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything disparaging about it. We've got a lot of jokes built around people whose names have a hard G in them.

That's very good. We love that. A surprising hard G. Gary Gygax. We eat that up. Anything to do with that. Wow. Yum, yum, yum.

He was ready to go. Delicious. There's two in that. Yeah. Gygax. Three, right? Three. Gary Gygax, yeah.

Let's call a spade a spade. Yeah, why not? Creator of Dungeons and Dragons. That is a racist term in London, just so you know. Let's call a spade a spade. Ant here. Yeah. What does it mean?

A spade is like an old, horrible word for people that are not- African American. Oh, no. I had no idea. But calling a spade a spade- No, it's a separate thing. Is a separate thing from that. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think you can still say calling a spade a spade is a separate thing from that I think you can still say calling a spade a spade you shouldn't say that about a black look at all those fucking spades for example unless you were looking at a large collection of spades at that moment in time and you felt strongly about that

interesting top tips have you guys been to london before i've been i've been to london you've been to london before a few times yeah for yes i have been a few but only for a few days at a time one thing i'll say is as the plane flies into london you will not hear the song london calling in spite of what all movies ever have told you is that i'm really sorry yeah yeah Seems weird that they – are the speakers broken? Yeah.

At the moment, they're rushing a thing through the parliament's bum. You hear Ivan meets G.I. Joe. Yes. The planes now play stuff from Sandinistas. Yes, yeah. Because everybody likes London calling. I recently learned that you can no longer fly to London on the Concorde. No.

Are you using those as buses now? We've currently deployed them to Afghanistan to supplement our lack of a military by just flying around making whooshy noises to scare the Taliban. Sure. Is that being headed up by Richard Branson? Yes, yeah, like he heads up fucking everything in our country now. I thought it was pretty funny that in England, when I was in London last year, I just

noticed that it doesn't matter what type of business it is, there will be a billboard for it that has the face of Richard Branson on it. He's all over everything. You know how Colonel Sanders represents fried chicken? Right.

In England, Richard Branson represents things. Yeah, commerce. Things and activities. Yeah, any and all commercial activity. Yeah, he started out as, I think he started out as a record company. Yeah. And then he got, like, an airline, and now it's mobile, or cell phones, and internet, and now, like, bathroom washers.

Yeah. You name it, it's got a picture of his face on it. Yeah, so we should put a picture of his face on our show flyer. Just to stop people being confused by what is this object that doesn't have the face of Richard Branson on it. Anyway, here's the deal. If you live within – I just talked to somebody who's flying in from Dublin. Wow. That's pretty good.

I just talked to somebody who's flying in from Dublin. Wow. That's pretty good. If you live anywhere in the United Kingdom or anywhere that has been threatened with invasion by the United Kingdom at any point, anywhere, basically, I'm going to put a- Say anywhere in the British Empire. Yeah, anywhere in the empire. So I'll never say in the British Empire. Canada, Australia, New Zealand, large parts of Africa, Iraq.

Yeah, and when you say the British Empire, you mean the classic British Empire. You're talking about the peak. Oh, yeah, when it was at its height. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring some blood diamonds with you. Yeah, 1890s. We're just starting to invent concentration camps.

We're just starting to invent concentration camps. And you, if we do our show in the desert, I want to see you dyeing your white trousers with tea and inventing khakis. Oh, yeah. You bet we will. We'll wear white helmets, red jackets in the Zulu style. Yeah. Michael Caine. Yeah.

And please, no Zulus. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. It turns out, it sounds like Jordan doesn't like them. I'm just saying, call a Zulu a Zulu. Just call a Zulu a Zulu. Yeah, yeah. It turns out, it sounds like Jordan doesn't like them. I'm just saying, call Azulu. Just call Azulu. All I'm saying is this. Look, we're coming all the way to London, England. I honestly don't think we'll ever be able to do this again.

So if you don't come to our show, fuck you. Yeah. That's it. The end. And also, a quick message to anyone in England. I'm in Los Angeles. It's lovely here. Bad luck, you dicks. This isn't over a link in England. I'm in Los Angeles. It's lovely here. Bad luck, you dicks.

This isn't over a link-up. I'm here. It's really sunny. Enjoy your nine years of rain we've been having. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, you come see our show if you're in the United States you go see Step Up Revolution yeah both help us buy your tickets now

when does this show come out? this show will come out on Monday oh and then obviously Wednesday night you can come see my show at the UCB in LA absolutely if you're in Los Angeles and you're a right away listener

that means you Lindsay and David probably only Lindsay and David. Then Humphrey has a show Wednesday night at 6.45 at the UCB Los Angeles. I believe I will be attending. Barring disaster, I will be there. I'm really excited to see it because I had

to miss it for a really fun trip I took to San Diego for Comic-Con. That went great. It was worth it. Basically, if you don't come to my show, you'll get told off by a lady from the WB. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you mean from Orner Way Brothers Bay. Oh, guys, we said it like 40 times earlier.

Oh, sorry. Did we? Oh, I probably did, yeah. Yeah. If you've got a phone call for us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is our email address. Hey, I want to mention one other thing. Yes.

We have a new podcast in the Maximum Fun family. Say what? Yes. I know. Is that an appropriate time to break out a say what? Seems great. Very appropriate. Very appropriate.

Completely appropriate. Nailed it. It's called The Memory House. It's say what karaoke. Yeah. We're bringing it back. Dave Holmes is hosting. There is a new show in the Maximum Fun family called The Memory Palace.

It's produced by this brilliant, brilliant public radio producer called Nate DiMaio, who, when he's not producing public radio, actually wrote the book that appeared on the last season of Parks and Recreation, the book about Pawnee. That's so funny. Oh, yeah, it's great. But anyway, his real job is as a public radio producer for the most part. And it is a show about history in five to ten minute chunks of sort of narrative that is so beautiful, moving so funny i mean i'm not a

history guy and the first time i i asked some people what podcast should i listen to that's sort of informative and fascinating and like five different max funster suggested the memory palace to me on twitter so i listened to the first one and my jaw just hit the floor at how amazing it was. And then I ended up listening to, you know, 35 more, um, in the next week. Um, they're beautiful. They're amazing. They're fascinating. They're like, they're things that you will want to tell someone about as soon as you hear them every single time. Um, and we're so excited. Basically Nate had given up on the show. He couldn't afford to keep doing it for free, essentially. And so I fronted him enough money for him to keep doing

this show that he loves so much once a month out of MaximumFun.org's coffers. And so listen to it, support MaximumFun.org so that I'm not, you know, so that I'm not taking a bath. But it's just a brilliant, amazing show. The Memory Palace, find it on MaximumFun.org and in iTunes. You won't be sorry. And it's super short and monthly, so it'll just be like a beautiful little gift that you receive. And the most recent episode, there will be a new episode this week as the show goes up, but the most recent episode was episode zero that featured three of the all-time favorites, one of which was chosen by me.

It's the story of some Nazis who build a volleyball court. And it only gets better from there. Some Nazi POWs who build a volleyball court for nefarious reasons. And they use a predicting octopus as the ball yeah to murder him exactly just on the movie escape to victory so give that show give that show a listen and of course you can find humphrey carr on our uh on our the next most recent uh episode of international waters so you should do that but this memory palace it's new it's short it's incredibly sweet i don't care if you't care if you ever think twice

about history. I think you'll think this is an amazing thing. So give it a listen. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Thank you. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.