Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 233: New Meat Wants a Nod with Scott Simpson

Episode Date: July 23, 2012

Scott Simpson, from the podcast You Look Nice Today, joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of 7-Up salads, Sissy Bounce, Beavers in Canada, and Jordan's most recent audition.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We get some travel tips from our friend Scott Simpson, and Jordan auditions for a real Broadway show. Let's go. It's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. A beautiful day for Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, that's a very coy pose you've struck there, Jordan.

Yeah, well, I'm working on my book. Now that we have these microphone arms, you've been doing a variety of coy poses. Which is, it's like glamour stuff. Right. Yeah. Well, I have been looking at you. I'm building my book. I do have Vaseline on my eyeglasses, so that may be contributing to, and a mild, slight orange tint. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Well, that's by self-tanner. Oh, right. Let's invite our guest onto the program. You know him, of course, as one of the co-hosts of You Look Nice Today, the smash hit comedy podcast. You know him as one of the handsomest men in podcasting, Mr. Scott Simpson. Hi. Hi.

Good. I'm so excited to be here. This is really a thrill for me. Do you feel like you're handsome relative to other podcasters? I feel like I'm a handsome guy. Yeah. like I'm a handsome guy. The one problem that I have with my

particular handsomeness is I find it to be a little on the generic side. So people will tell me I look like, you know, other gawky white guys. And I feel like I bring a little extra flavor. No, you don't. I mean, you look like

a guy who plays a handsome guy that wears glasses in a commercial for something that is a cool mass market brand, like a Target. Right, right, right. I see that. I see that. You are the coolest guy in the Target commercial. Good, good. The coolest non-ethnic guy.

Yeah. I mean, they might have an ethnic guy like a black guy with dreadlocks and a solid colored T-shirt and plaid shorts. Maybe an Asian girl with like a colored streak in her hair. Yeah, exactly. You're not cooler than them, Scott. No. That's basically my bridge club. So it really reflects the reality of my social circle.

Hey, let's bring bridge back. Or pinnacle? I like how you say it. Like social card games? Bridge. I said, I meant pinnacle, you said. Oh. Pinnacle.

Bridge. That makes it sound like it's something salacious. Uh-huh. Like our bridge club. I always assumed that bridge clubs were something salacious like our bridge club i always assumed that bridge clubs were something salacious i i would i i would imagine that that was the excuse in the 70s when you were having a key party right mom and dad are gonna go play bridge do you think that's what happened in the 50s and 60s people would play bridge together because they didn't yet have televisions in their homes sure and then

and to the extent that they did have televisions in their homes. Sure. And then, to the extent that they did have televisions in their homes, they only had three terrible choices. Like, to them, Gilligan's Island seemed like a good television show. It's either play Bridge or watch something shitty on the Dumont Network. Yeesh. Yeesh. And then in the 70s- In the 70s, the reputation of the reputation of bridge get togethers

got poisoned by key clubs so you never knew whether you were going to show up with your dick out and it was just going to be

a hand of cards or you were going to show up to play cards and someone was going to you show up yeah sure

you show up with a nice jello salad sure and everybody's fucking although that doesn't although that I guess the jello salad isn't useless at that.

No. You need to take a little break. Right. Yeah. Hey, and I'll tell you, there's nothing wrong with a jello salad. No, sure. Just a week ago, before we recorded our show, I went to a birthday party of our friend, Stefan Lawrence, past guest on this program, Stefan Lawrence from Elephant Larry.

And he had a birthday party here in Pasadena, recently moved to Southern California. And they had a, the food was all cooked out of an early 1960s sorority cookbook. Wow. That is a very specific theme party. Yeah. And it was awesome. I was way into it. I ate so many deviled eggs i can't even begin

to tell you yeah you put deviled eggs in front of me i will continue to eat them indefinitely but there was also um i like how the all of the food and out of that cookbook is very specifically not kosher yes like every recipe is designed to not be edible by observant Jews. To exclude the Jews. That's right. There was also something called a- It's just cubes of beef, like a cube steak floating in milk. Floating in milk cereal. Beef cereal. Yeah. I ate something called a Coca-Cola cake.

I only had a little bite of that because it was chocolate-based, but it was quite good. I don't know what role the Coca-Cola played in it besides novelty. But I will say that I really enjoyed the 7-Up salad that I ate. Okay. A 7-Up salad involves, like, lime jello, bananas. I'm going to say marshmallows. There was marshmallows in there. Almost certainly.

Yeah, I think marshmallows were pretty widely used back then for even savory dishes. You would just throw some marshmallows in there. Yeah. Veal bones. I was sitting there enjoying this 7-Up salad, but I almost threw up when they told me what they left off of the 7-Up salad. So it's like lime jello. It's sort of like a fruit salad. It's like a-Up salad. So it's like lime jello. You know, it's sort of like a fruit salad. It's like a jello salad, you know.

And they told me that they got to a certain point in the recipe and then had to stop because it was supposed to have cream cheese frosting on top and then shredded cheddar cheese on top of that. Oh. on top and then shredded cheddar cheese on top of that. Something my mom kind of carried over from that world of food is she would melt just like a slice, like a

Kraft single on a piece of pie. Oh, that sounds pretty good. Which is super strange. But you know, cheese and pie is a fairly respected tradition among white people. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, sure, sure. Cheese, you know, cheese and pie is a fairly respected tradition among my people. Yeah, yeah. Really?

Yeah, sure, sure. Cheese, a little cheddar cheese, a sharp cheddar with your apple pie and maybe some ice cream is a classic combination. No, it isn't. See, I would think that the pie stands in for the ice cream. Like it's one dairy on top of the pie. I wouldn't think you would add both. You know, that does make sense. Yeah, I don't know. Like it's one dairy on top of the pie. I wouldn't think you would add both. You know, that does make sense. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe it's one or the other. I think cheese with a slice of apple. So I guess it's not that crazy. Yeah. I feel like we should. That's a nice airplane snack pack you've just described. Some little cheese cubes, some apple slices.

I'd wear a pair and salted and everything. There's nothing that they didn't put salt on top of. Ice cream, salad. Just throw some salt on it. And also butter. They'd put butter on anything. Do you remember no salt in the 80s when salt became sort of a popularly or sodium levels were sort of popularly understood to be unhealthy? Yeah, it's called no salt.

I don't know what it was made of or what it was, you know, I guess, obviously taking the place of salt in your diet. But I and it looked like salt, but it wasn't salt. I don't know what it was. That's all. I don't remember this. I would I would imagine just as you know, my mom is so devoted to southern cooking. I would imagine that any kind of salt substitute. It was probably all shipments were probably stopped at the Mason-Dixon line. Right. Yeah, yeah. I'm, this is a little vulgar, so I apologize in advance. I don't want to get our microphones cut. My guess is jizz flakes.

I mean, it's just a guess. Yeah, yeah. It's just a guess. A dried patina of jizz. Right, right. Scraped off. Exactly. You scrape it with like a nutmeg rasp.

You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. I've read that sorority cookbook. But you would have to get the jizz to flake. I would imagine you have to maybe bake it in the sun. You know, sun-baked jizz. Actually, you can see some of the old jizz fields when you're flying into San Jose You know who actually invented that as a young chef?

Wolfgang Puck Oh really? Yeah, sun-baked jizz So his famous pizza with barbecue chicken And jizz flakes Sure, for umami I feel like just Given our

The incident in San Diego Where we were Remind me about this I don't remember an incident in San Diego where we were— Remind me about this. I don't remember an incident in San Diego. I remember going to San Diego. Yeah, you were there. I remember having a great time playing beach volleyball. Super great.

The cigarette boat with the ladies. Oh, that was tremendous. I remember getting a Dippin' Dots on the pier. Pretty great. Fucking a sailor. Sure. I just reamed him. Yep.

Yep. Okay. I saw it the other way, but that's fine. Okay. But yeah, no. I met and hugged a pelican. You win. You win San Diego.

Yeah. I had a nice time. Given our incident in San Diego, when we got our microphones cut for being vulgar. I feel like we should make up for it by being extra gross. That's basically where I'm at in my life right now. Yeah. And then, yeah, then we can have people put this episode on flash drives and mail it to Warner Brothers. Some sort of campaign to save a canceled show or something like that.

Yeah, like everyone at Warner Brothers is like, why do we keep getting mailed 7-Up salads? It's not salty. What is that flavor? Yeah, what is that? It's like a round, meaty fullness. Are we canceling Supernatural? I don't, something, what is this to support? Has anyone here seen Supernatural? can you tell me if we're

canceling it is there an episode that revolves around jello salad anyway we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessico Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,. Again, just as a quick aside, you know, I've been a huge fan of this show forever. And it was easily one of the first podcasts I listened to. And certainly the first podcast I listened to that wasn't, you know, an NPR thing or something like that. You and I actually met through podcasting. That's right. I remember we had lunch in, isn't this a nice story, Jordan? This is a nice story. I guess we should explain back in the day

before podcasts were popular, we've been at this for a while. You would send messages to a friend in your podcast. The listenership was that low that you could talk directly to a person. Exactly. And you and Scott were both exchanging podcast pen pal messages. Exactly. I mean, essentially for many years, we did Jordan, Jesse, Go! completely supported by Scott. Scott's a very rich man. He's a billionaire industrialist.

I hope I'm not speaking out of school by saying that. That's fine. That's fine. It's a matter of public record by this point. Scott has... I mean, I've taken lovely walking tours of Simpson Manor. Yeah, yep. Your historic home.

Sure, sure. Which tour did you take? The garden tour. Oh, I took the Christmas tour. I hear that's nice. It was amazing. You've never had a Yuletide? I hear, though, it's the same tour, only they put Santa hats on the topiaries.

Well, but it really has a powerful effect. No, I bet that, sure. It is moving. Uh-huh. You should do a Come Over We we just started midnight lights out tour. It's entirely dark. You actually are not allowed to have a source of light with you. You surrender your cell phone at the door.

It's entirely pitch black inside. And then basically you have to find your way out of my mansion. So is this like a science thing or like a London Blitz thing? So is this like a science thing or like a London Blitz thing? I think it's just designed to make you feel disoriented and helpless. Now, I mean, if I remember the manner correctly, there's a lot of, I don't want to call them traps, but hazards? So it seems like this lights out thing. I mean, there's the pits, of course.

Sure, sure. The whirling blades. Right. All of it really inspired by Da Vinci's notebooks. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't get that. I mean, it just seemed like a nightmare kind of abattoir. But Jordan, do you remember- Excuse me, avatar.

Do you remember the man with four arms and four legs that was bicycling that helicopter type thing that chopped your arm off? I do remember that. That's JoJo. He's delightful. Yeah. Inspired by Da Vinci's notebook. Oh, how about that? Yeah.

And remember how when you went in, everything seemed like it was in a mirror? I do. I guess I'm just not an art lover. I didn't pick up on that. Anyway, I'm a fan. Yeah. Anyway, well, we really appreciate it, Scott. It's very, very good of you.

Guys, something I've done today, I am fresh off one of the worst auditions I've ever been on. Wow. Would you like to hear about it? Yes. So this audition, this is something I do pretty regularly. I was telling Scott, maybe once a week, twice a week in a busy season. I don't do a lot of commercials and sitcoms and stuff. But this was for The Book of Mormon, the Broadway musical.

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Coming to L.A. very soon. So you would be a member of the touring company or something like that? I don't know. I didn't get that into it. Kind of how – A Los Angeles production, I think it is.

Yeah. At the Pantages Theater. Okay. So kind of they had – I knew this was going on. A couple of weeks ago, my manager called me and said, would you want to audition for the Book of Mormon? They asked for you specifically. And I said, well, I don't sing and i definitely don't sing like i'm

terrified of karaoke which has been like a problem for me like i had to be like rude on a date recently who wanted to go to karaoke i'm like i don't i can't do it like you had to divorce your japanese businessman wife i did yeah um and he immediately committed suicide in front of me. So yeah, I definitely like, you know, definitely don't like singing. Don't like the sound of my voice. Every time I've had to do it has been a nightmare. guy you would be replacing uh you know was a non-singer who they found somehow and so they're just kind of looking for you know comedy people funny people and you know you'll worry about that later it was slash from guns and roses it was yeah he tries to get in different singers to front his band i don't remember that from the from the cast recording. It's mostly Chris Cornell. He actually plays a lot of the comic relief in that. So I was interested but just said no thanks.

Wait, can I just say this? Yeah. Sometimes it's also a Filipino guy that sounds exactly like the lead singer of Journey. Who's just singing everything phonetically. He does not speak English. I don't know if that guy actually does speak English. I bet he does. So I said no thanks.

And then just a couple days ago, they called again. And my manager called and said they're still looking for the person and they would like you to come in and were kind of insistent upon it. And I still said, you know, no thanks. I don't sing. I mean it would just be awful. I mean I think that there's non-singer and then there's me. Wow. I think I am below non-singer.

Like I don't even – I don't like doing it in the car. I don't like doing it in the shower. Can I ask a question? You may. It's very interesting to me because I love singing. It's really important to me. Although recently my voice in the last five, six years. Do you do karaoke? Well, I used to, especially when I lived in Japan. I used to love to do karaoke.

What would you sing? Smap? I would sing Smap. I'd sing Uru Furuzu. I'd sing Spitzu. More, more, more, more. Listen to a bunch of Japanese songs. I guess what we're asking is, did you ever do any K-pop? High Five of Teenagers, for example. You know, K hadn't made it across the bay yet, so it was still just J. across the bay yet, so it was still just J.

So I had some good songs. They call them number 18s. It's your specialty song when you go to karaoke. You're Ju Hachiban. So describe that. I guess I don't understand. When something is a number 18, it's your song? That's right.

That's right. And that itself, I might be using slang from 15 years ago that's not at all used anymore. Like a guy who's like, yeah, you say something's really groovy if it's cool. Right. Because he lived in Pasadena in 1978. But about five or six years, I guess more like eight or nine years ago now. One more question about karaoke in Japan. Did you honestly sing Japanese songs or did you sing English songs?

I did, I did, I did. I sang Urufuruzu is a band. They have a song called Kawaii Hito that I was pretty good at. Yume Janai by Spitzu was another number 18. So yeah, I used to love to sing, but about eight years ago, I call it puberty too.

My voice just took another notch down and I stopped being able to sing. It's very sad for me. Oh, interesting. So I have the same thing. Like, I hate going to karaoke. I love to sing, but I can't sing like I used to be able to. So you and I, next, we should actually just be boyfriends is what I'm saying. Yeah.

It won't come up. That was an odd way. That was a very roundabout way to suggest gay sex. I don't know. I'm almost inclined to try it. Well. I don't come up. That was an odd way. That was a very roundabout way to suggest gay sex. I don't go. I'm almost inclined to try it. Well. I don't generally go on auditions. I don't work as an actor or whatever.

One of the only auditions I went to, our friend Charlie Todd from Improv Everywhere invited me to audition for their network pilot when they had a network pilot. And I went and the bit that it was, was you had to, it was the Mall Food Court musical. Oh, yeah, I remember you in that. You were great. Yeah, my verse did get cut from the video. My big solo, my two solo lines got cut from the video. But yeah, I remember going in, and I'm not terrified of singing.

I mean, I had to be in musicals in high school and stuff. But I remember just being – I'm not also a good singer. And I remember just being fucking horrified because some people have – some people, it's part of their thing that they have songs that they sing, that they audition with, that they give an accompanist. Right. The music sheet. And then they, and literally the only song I could remember from high school was this really like brutal song from Bertolt Brecht's Mother Courage and Her Children. I thought you were going to go more of a Tony, Tony, Tony route. No,

it's our anniversary or it never rains in Southern California or something. No, this song seriously goes, stop all the troops, it's Mother Courage. Hey, captains, let them, wait, it gets worse, come and buy for they can get from Mother Courage

boots they will march in till they die. Oh, so that's fun. Or like a fun improv prank show. That's a nice. It only gets darker from there. So I went in and sang that, and that's how I ended up with a one-line part. But isn't even kind of a thing with those improv everywheres like that you can be an amateur singer, right? Yeah.

That's even maybe appealing. Yeah. But I think the people that were the main people in it had at least some talent. Yeah. Because they had a real song and everything. Uh-huh. Anyway, so, you know, I don't want to do this. And this is something that I run into a lot on auditions.

And I don't think it's necessarily because of ignorance but it kind of comes off that way sometimes. I think a lot of people just assume that every comedy person can do every comedy thing. Right, right. Like a lot of times people will be like, well, great, do some impressions or great, so do like a rap, like do a funny rap or something or like that every comedy person can do a prank call, you know. And so, yeah. So, you know, I think it's just partially because of that. There's no more you know, you can't dive into the body of work of every person you're seeing that day.

But I do run into it a lot where it's like there's no way that I'm like you might as well ask me to, you know to dance on point or do some freestyle motocross tricks. Like it's that – And to be fair to you, you had politely declined this invitation twice. Yes. Right. But my manager was kind of like, hey, they're specifically asking. They seem pretty insistent. They must – there must be some reason they're specifically asking, you know, they seem pretty insistent. They must you know, there must be some reason they're doing this.

I think you should go and give it a shot. And, you know, you should be on good terms with your management and, you know, let them know that you're game. So I decided to do it. And it was it was Saturday morning. So I'm like, it's not like I'm leaving work or anything. So I decided to do it. So it was just singing a song from the show. And then this kind of little, you know, little chunk of dialogue, this little dialogue scene, which was great.

I mean, I've done that before. So that was, you know, easy and comfortable. I'm sorry. I don't understand. Yes. The part has no singing, but you had to sing a song. The part has a lot of singing. Oh, OK.

I missed that. But the person that had done this part was the Broadway production was not a Broadway type. Gotcha. Okay. Now I understand. So anyway, so I go in there and it's, you know, so I downloaded the song and listened to it in the car a lot and memorized the lines. And I go in. It's really bold, Joe.

I mean, it's really, I'm impressed that you're able to do that. Well done. Sure. Yeah. Well, it's really I'm impressed that you're able to do that. Well done. I think, I mean, sure. Yeah. Well, let's finish the story. I'm really excited that you're going to sing the song for us today. Oh, I will not. I brought my keytar. No. So I

go in there and in the waiting room is just like a comical version of a musical theater waiting room. Like it's what I imagine. I've only seen one of the Glee, but I imagine this is just some extras from Glee. Like it was.

It's like people wearing like leg warmers and doing stretches. Yes. To be fair, I think this same facility also had a Zumba class going on. So I didn't know who was had a Zumba class going on. So I didn't know who was there for Zumba and who was there for the audition. Well, did you recognize anyone with Latin flavor? Yes, there were a lot of voluptuous behinds. Sure.

But people going like, ma-meh-meh-meh, ma-mo-mo-mo. Yes, so it was people warming up, most of which were like fucking cut gay dudes, like cut gay dudes in dance clothes. And then like, you know, sinewy sinewy women. And they were all like talking about the various kinds of dance shoes you could buy. Like there was a big group conversation on. Well, I go to this place and here's where you get the most support, like talking about dance stuff. And then I'm just kind of I just kind of derp my way in wearing what you see me in. And you're currently wearing a hazmat suit and clown shoes. But you have written derp on the front. I have written derp, period.

And then it has a little butt flap that drops out in case I need to poop. And that back will just sometimes fall out. The button is not good on that. But, I mean, the thing is, is that you have had to go to auditions where they have expected you to be able to do a quick butt flap joke. Sure. You know, they'll do the BF gag. Well, you know, and, you know, in a lot of these, you know, they want, they call in improvisers and sketch comedians because they want someone who can think on their feet. And just a fun thing to throw into a scene, whether it's written or not, is just to, you know, do a quick butt flap gag.

Plus, the bigger the feet, the bigger the thoughts. Am I right? Sure. Yes. So, you know, and I and I lean over to one of the guys, one of the friendlier looking guys. I picture him perusing Playbill magazine. Right. Yes.

Right. And I say, hey, how much – I've never done one of these before. How much of the song do you have to sing? Because that was kind of part of what I was stressing out about. He's like, oh, didn't you get the cut they sent? Oh, my God. And I said, no, I did not get that. And I think it was in the materials, but I just didn't know what anything was, so I didn't look at it. And then I was like, no, I didn't you get the cut they sent? Oh, my God. And I said, no, I did not get that. And I think it was in the materials,

but I just didn't know what anything was, so I didn't look at it. And then I was like, no, I didn't. He's like, oh, you didn't? Like, you asshole. Like, really, really let me know with a scoff that what I had done was not protocol. The fact that I had not learned the specific cut that they gave me.

So I said no. And then I'm making this guy sound like a jerk. Afterwards, he went into his folder and took out the sheet music. And he's like, here, you're going to start here and you're going to go here. So, you know, that was nice. So then, yeah. So then I just wait my turn and I go in. And it had dawned – while I was looking at that guy's sheet music, I'm like, I don't have this memorized.

I don't have this memorized. And so I say, hi, this is my – she's like – I say, I've never auditioned for a Broadway play before, so I don't know some of this stuff. Is it okay if I look at the music? And she says, sure, and hands me the sheet music. And so she says, which would you like to do first? And this is either the dialogue scene or the music or the singing. And I say, I'll do the words first. Word for me first, please.

And then I realize, oh, both of these contain words. And then I found the word I was looking for, which is the dialogue. Let me do this scene. And it went fine. And then I'm like, okay, well, now I'll do the song. And the accompanist just starts playing and I have to stop him. I'm like, I'm sorry. I just don't know where to start.

Would you give me a nod when it's time to start singing? And the, and you know, they all kind of look at each other and like, oh, fucking new meat wants a nod. New meat wants a nod. New meat wants a nod. Those capizios look like Vans. Yeah. And so, you know, he starts playing and I just party of adults and the little kid comes in to, like, show the adults the recorder song that they've learned? Like, Beth's been practicing hot cross buns on the record.

Would you let her? And they just kind of politely nodded through it. and they just kind of politely nodded through it. And then at the end, I gave it back and the audition lady, she's like, well, now you can say you've auditioned for a Broadway play. Oh, geez. I would have preferred,

fuck you for wasting our time. Wow. Fuck you for wasting our time. Oh my goodness. And I think that everybody in this had the best intentions. I think everyone was trying to be nice. Right, right, right.

But it was so embarrassing. And I've been racking my – like why did I – why was I there? I think – and the kind of thing I'm most embarrassed about is I think it's because I just look kind of like the guy they're trying to replace. Right, right. Who is not – who is like uh he's a he's a over he's like an obese guy he's like an obese guy with curly hair uh who i kind of who i kind of look like so i think that's the only reason they insisted like and just assumed that i'm sure this guy does some funny singing and his little sketch show you know right right right so yeah it was it was uh it was

rough i don't I'm feeling bad. And it was definitely one of those situations where the – when people tell you you look like a celebrity. Right, right. But it's not a celebrity who's famous for being good looking. Right. And I say never do that to anyone unless the person is famously handsome. So, yeah. So I definitely went out of that feeling bad about my singing. Because here's the thing, Jordan.

Yeah. Auditioning for anything is the pits. Sure. I quit acting completely specifically because I didn't want to audition for anything ever again. Yeah. I was so horrified of auditioning. You know, I was like, I'll start a sketch comedy group where I know that I get to be in things. I will not audition for shit. And the only thing I, the only actual auditions I

have gone to in my adult life were one for a play that you, Jordan, wrote in college, where you told me what part I would get if I came to the audition and one for this thing that Charlie Todd invited me to. And the Charlie Todd thing, it's like people that are friends of my friend. He's already told me I get to be in it and they're just trying to find out what my range is or whatever. That's horrifying to me. That is the worst. So the idea of someone saying that seriously makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah. So I'm wondering now, like, is the takeaway from this maybe it's time to conquer my fear of singing? Like maybe should I?

Because I definitely had an instance where someone wanted to go to karaoke and it terrified me. The thought of going was really scary. So, yeah, I'm wondering if this is like, you know, do I shrink from singing because of this bad experience or is this a hump I need to get over? There's probably a group, you know, people who are afraid of flying have a class that they can go to. There's probably a group for folks who are afraid of singing. I would only imagine. Are you suggesting that he go to. There's probably a group for folks who are afraid of singing. I would only imagine. Are you suggesting that he go to the meetup? Is that your nerd solution to this problem?

Just come along. You'll like it. There's Jell-O salad. It's great. Oh, sounds nice. When you're saying that, I just remembered that back when I was in college, I worked at a coffee shop. And this woman who was writing a play and casting this play, it was based on a Jeanette Winterson novel.

I forget what it was called. She said, I really think you should be the lead in this play. I think you'd be perfect for it. And I said, that's cool. What's the why? She's like, I think you speak well. And also the role is somebody you can't tell. The role is diction teacher.

That's right. The play was the king's speech. Right. Jeffrey Rush got the part, right? That's right. He did. He did. And he deserved it.

All kudos to him. But I bet you and Jeffrey Rush probably are the, you know, you see each other at auditions all the time. You're like, oh. The nod. You're the same type. In fact, I was just at an audition where i saw both of you guys it was if i remember correctly it was for marona the target store clothing brand that's right that's right uh the the part though that she wanted you were a stickler for enunciation

that's the role you were there for was ambiguous gender person couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman. She said, I thought you were perfect for this. Wow. And I died. That sounds like a funny commercial. I cannot wait to see this. Target. Target's really trying to prove it's cooler than Walmart.

You got a whole Bowie thing going on. Do they need to do that at this point? I mean, I think anything's cooler than Walmart, basically. Well, I mean, I think that's the premise of Target. Yeah. Anything's cooler than Walmart. Right? Right.

And Kmart's out of business. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Closed down Kmarts are where basically the only reason that space still exists is where like a 16-year-old or a 15-year-old can go to learn to drive. Like they can go drive around the parking lot a couple of times to get the feel for it. I think you can camp in a Walmart parking lot, if I'm not mistaken.

That's true. That's one of their. Oh, I didn't know that. Like how, you know. Are they weird? Are they run by like survivalists? You know, I think it's just one of those things that. Weird.

They, you know, in a manner that we would not expect, they really think of themselves as a community. In a manner that we would not expect, they really think of themselves as a community. And so I think that, you know, if you want to bring your RV in and hook up in Lot G, you're welcome to. Yeah, it's sort of like, I think it's the sort of, you know, small town, middle American equivalent of offering free massages. It's like free massages for people that don't want to be touched. Who offers free massages? You know, like a to be touched who offers free massages you know like a dot com business or something

oh right okay I understand this now airport lounge or something sure so I was wondering maybe do you guys have a suggestion for like maybe a nice easy song a nice easy short song that I can practice if I want to

I think you should sing I think you should sing Chantilly Lace by the Big Bopper. That's actually a legitimately good suggestion. Because you start off by going Hello baby! Oh, and I can kind of sell that and get everybody on my side. And it also, it's so ridiculous

that you have to keep going because you've already done the most embarrassing part. Yeah, yeah. That's true. That's good. It kind of gets it out of the way. Good. It's a deep range. I am known for my rich molasses baritone.

What about anything I think by the Barenaked Ladies is basically one note? You know, just... Yeah, Barenaked Ladies. And that's something that you really want to be seen singing. Yeah, that might be my problem. I think that might just be a little too embarrassing. It might be a little on the nose.

Okay, I got one. I think it might be something that someone who would audition for a part that Jordan is auditioning for but is uncomfortable that he's auditioning for would sing it. Sure, would do. Yeah, that feels right. What about, stay with me for a second. Smash Mouth, on the other hand, I will do. Yes. We Didn't Start the Fire,

but with your own custom-written lyrics. Oh, that might be fun. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Doll Sim. Some names of Street Fighter characters. I could do that.

I was talking this over. It would have been better if I had come up with more than one name of a Street Fighter character. You know what? I think it's fine. I think it's fine. I was talking this over with our mutual friend, Eliza Skinner, and she suggested she thinks that good beginner karaoke songs are David Bowie songs. So she said like maybe Young Americans or something like that. It's a terrible idea.

I've sung Young Americans. Young Americans, that sounds hard to sing. Well, I guess her thing was like most of the hard singing is with the backup singers. So you can just go like this. You can just do this for the song. And now the hard stuff is out of the way. But you had a bad experience with it. Or what about Lou Reed?

You know, something like that. Where I'm just talking. Yeah. Yeah, maybe something with some talk singing in it. That's good. Yeah, just do a Rex Harrison song from My Fair Lady. Sure, yeah, yeah. That's my suggestion.

Okay. Let's think, let's think. I had a karaoke thing, and I realized that through the whole night of people singing, the only song that I had recognized was, the only song that I, not recognized, but like, was confident that I could sing all the way through was Ball and Chain by Social Distortion. And that's not a hard song to sing. Yeah, that might not be a bad, they have social distortion songs at karaoke? Yeah, they'll have, This is like a nice Korean one. This was, that might not be it. They have social distortion songs at karaoke? Yeah, they'll have... This is like a nice Korean one. This was...

God, where was this? This was super... Oh, this was like super deep Highland Park. It's a pop song. It was a top 40. Yeah, I think you can count on a karaoke place

to have Ball and Chain and maybe Story of My Life. Right, right, right. Those are probably the social D songs. That's a good idea. I think... Okay, what about this? You're the last Story of My Life. Those are probably the social D songs. That's a good idea. I think, okay, what about this? You're the last singer of the night.

You say, hey, shut down the machine. I've loosened my bow tie. My bow tie is undone around my neck. You're ready to go. Sure. Shut down the machine. Bring the lights down. Silent Night. I like it. Really make everybody think about that. that magical night in Bethlehem. Can I give you an idea that I'm starting to feel?

Please. Here's the thing. In my mind, you could either sing a song that's performed by a poor, narrow-ranged singer. Or you could go the other direction and sing a song where no one could expect you to sing that well, which is why I'm suggesting maybe the Donny Hathaway song, Young, Gifted, and Black. I can't think of any reasons that would go bad. Yeah, I can't either. I mean, I just thought about it really quick. I mean, I might need to make like a list or a chart or something.

Well, I too just gave it a quick pass in my mind. Off the toppers? That seems A-OK to me. Right, because no one will expect you to sing as well as Donny Hathaway. Sure. It has a powerful social message that you can sort of slide by on. People will applaud the message. Sure.

Irrespective of the singer. And that's kind of what I'm all about is I want to entertain, but I also want to educate by on. People will applaud the message. Sure. Irrespective of the singer. And that's, you know, and that's kind of what I'm all about is I want to entertain but I also want to educate. Right. So.

I was recently jogging and accidentally had put a song halfway through my run mix which is usually, you know, it's mostly... High energy.

It's mostly high energy and La Bamba. Y'all ready for this? Do-do-do-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-d It's mostly high energy and La Bamba. Y'all ready for this? I'm going jogging. Out of the blue. I'm going jogging. I record my own songs and positive messages to myself. Come on, Scott.

You can do it. You're looking great. Ignore those people staring at you. Is your dick getting bigger? Yeah, it is. Hey, Scott. Those are cool shorts. Hey, Scott.

Good running. Hey, Scott. Oh, cool shorts. Hey, Scott, good running. Hey, Scott. Oh, I need that song now. I need that song. The song, though, that came on, which was not inspiring, it was inspiring in a different way. It was Man in the Mirror, the Michael Jackson song. That's another option, I think. It's got a lot of kind of interjections.

You would probably be good at that. I'm good at those. I think people say that one of my strengths is my staccato. Yeah. My wife actually spent a summer tutoring a group of immigrant elementary school children in Marin City in Marin County, California. Like Canadian kids? These are ESL students. Okay. These are ESL students.

First language Spanish. French. They speak French in Canada. Jesse. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. A group of Quebecois.

A group of young beavers. Yeah. And she taught them to sing Man in the Mirror. They loved it. They had never heard it before. Oh, nice. They were unfamiliar. That key change halfway through had me slowing down and getting chills.

Can I tell you one thing about on the subject of beavers in Canada? This is unrelated to what song you should sing. I want to get back to it in a second. But I've been watching Canadian Pickers lately. And it's exactly the same as american pickers only like three times an episode they buy a moose or a beaver for real just like a painting of a beaver a painting of a moose like they will buy mountie related items like i think that maybe the canadian content rules require it not only to be produced in Canada but to pick and choose from a list of five identified Canadian themes.

Right. And those are Moose, Beaver. Sum 41. I knew it. Some Sum 41 memorabilia, like a gold record or one of their guitars. record or one of their guitars. There was an episode where they went and met with some legendary hockey players and they brought them a beaver and they rode in on a Mounties horse. Anyway, back to what song you should sing.

What about O Canada? Oh, yeah. That's probably good. It's a beautiful song. Yeah. People love Canada. What about our national anthem? The American one? song. Yeah. People love Canada. What about our national anthem? The American one?

Sure. Yeah. Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen. That's probably pretty good. Yeah. Okay. So something to kind of arouse kind of nationalistic feelings in the audience. JoJo Action by Mr. President.

That's pretty good, too. I mean, that's kind of like the honorary national anthem, I feel like. Right. I definitely think of Germany. Yeah, right. Of Germany. Well, I say we throw it out to the audience. Yeah, no, I would love to get some suggestions for this.

I would love to hear what song Jordan should sing. And I think, I'm going to throw this out to there, Jordan. sing and I think I need to throw this out to their Jordan I think it would be a lot of fun if we decided on one then recorded you singing oh I don't mean are there legal ramifications to that music copyright. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, maybe if we have a little recorder, a little wireless recorder, I could actually take it to a karaoke bar. Yeah, that's a fun idea. That's a really good idea. All right. Well, yeah, I want to hear some suggestions.

I'm not totally sold on it yet. 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address. And I say we throw it wide open, but it has to be something that they might have at a karaoke bar. Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah, this should be something that is in your average. Because, yeah, I mean, I'm thinking about the places I would go for karaoke.

It is like a, you know, a Koreatown or something like that. So it's a pretty, probably a pretty standard karaoke fare. So give us a call. Tell us what and why. We prefer songs by either SMAP, High Five of Teenagers, or East End Ex-Yuri. Girls' Generation, of course. Yes, we love Girls' Generation songs. I would prefer K-pop, but I will also sing Tumblecore or Sissy Bounce.

I would love it if we had you singing sissy bounce songs i would i mean these are the three genres that i'm interested in i would say i'm a little more interested in tumblecore than i am sissy bounce i don't know i don't know sissy bounce could be a lot of fun any bounce i just have to say ass, right? Isn't that what that is? Well, you'd say like bounce that puss or something like that. Okay. You know, different. There's different themes and different songs. So any K-pop or tumblecore or sissy bounce song that they might have at your average

karaoke bar. Right. 206-984-4FUN. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, sponsors on this week's program, first of all, are good friends at ask.metafilter.com.

Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. Did you know that on the homepage of ask.metafilter.com, there is a video that me and our friend Lonely Sandwich, a.k.a. Adam Lissagor, are in? I didn't know that. It's true. If you're not logged in to Ask Metafilter, if you don't have a Metafilter account yet, and you go to ask.metafilter.com, you see a little video that we made. Oh, terrific. Yeah, it's great. Seems like a fun reason to visit ask.metafilter.com.

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Hey, guess what? Guy and Mary Beth, who had a baby a couple weeks ago, and we talked about it on the show last week, were kind enough to send us a couple of nightmare squirrels. Oh, that's terrific. Yeah, it was a really kind gesture. To clarify, these are stuffed squirrels that have come, that have been ripped out of our worst nightmares. Yeah, they have yellow-red teeth, I would say. That are bared. These are bared.

Yeah, they are ready to pounce. They look thin and hungry. They are S-shaped. They are ready to pounce. They look thin and hungry. They are S-shaped. They do not have a bushy tail. They may just be some kind of corpse-munching beast. The small theater where you had your audition today, when you looked out into the crowd, every seat was filled by a nightmare squirrel. In their underwear because i know that old trick to get over stage fright trick those those i've seen those squirrels they're

very scary uh i think they add a lot to the to the decor though yeah so thank you very much to them uh guy mary beth your thoughtfulness always appreciated uh we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, dick pistol. Sure. Yep.

DP. Yeah. Um, I am not going to actually be here next week for Jordan, Jesse, go not trying to brag, but I'm going to Mexico with my family. Oh, that'll be fun. Yeah, we're going to Ciudad Juarez. I'm going to look into a few business connections I have. Cool.

Cool. So, like, drugs, prostitutes, murder. Murder. Yes. Okay. Oh, you're going to do some murders. Okay. I'm sorry I inferred you were into drugs and prostitutes. Right. No, you're going to do some murders. Okay. I'm sorry I inferred you were into drugs and prostitutes. Right.

No, I would never do something like that. Yeah, no, I'm a cold-blooded murderer. You murder first and then you do the drugs and prostitution part second one because it's the sensitive way to do that stuff. You're right. Prostitution part. You're right. Especially when you're visiting another country.

Look, we've talked before about how when I lived in Koreatown, I lived in an MS-13-controlled neighborhood, of course, the world's most dangerous gang. Sure. But we haven't really— I watch MSNBC. We haven't really addressed— I know what you're talking about. What we haven't really addressed is the fact that to counter that power force in my life—you know, you have to counter a power force. I joined the Zetas, the brutal Mexican drug gang that keeps cutting people's hands and heads off and leaving them in town squares.

Well, you want to be a cutter. You want to be on the side of the... Right. Doing the cutting. On the dull side of the knife. Right. You don't want to be on the sharp side of the knife. That's true whether you work in a drug running operation or a bakery.

You have that tattooed on your back in old English, right? You always want to be on the dull side of the knife. Yes. Absolutely. That's what that means. Yeah. You've been wondering what that meant. It's a Bible verse.

Anyway, I'm going to be traveling next week. And actually, Jordan, you and I are going to be going to London. We are. Yeah. So a lot of travel in our immediate future. Yeah, we're going to be at the Leicester Square Theatre, August 11th. Tickets on sale now. Saturday afternoon, we've got two shows at Jordan, Jesse Goh and International Waters.

I've been to that theatre. Really? Yes, I've been to that very theatre. I did not know that you were a traveller. I am a big traveller, in fact. Really? Yeah, well, I've lived in other countries and I've traveled to a bunch. Say some of those funny Japanese karaoke song names again.

You know, the funny thing about the one that makes you laugh, Urufuruza, that's actually just the – this is not a joke. That's the Japanese pronunciation of the word wolves. So that – Oh, the band is just called – The band is called The Wolves. The Wolves. Oh, wow. My Japanese band is called Sukeito Bodo.

Sukeito Bodo. That's right. That's right. Jesse Song. Orange Juice. You're Jesse Song. Jesse Song. And you're Jordan Moris.

Pretty good. I like that. It's pretty good. I like that. But I thought maybe I'd just give you guys a couple of travel tips based on my extensive experience. Boy, that would be great. That would be great. That would be great.

That would be fantastic. And I feel like they're pretty applicable no matter where you go. Really? Well, you know. They're broadly applicable. Broadly applicable. Are you the new Rick Steves? Just off the Barbary Coast, there's a fantastic pension that still takes traveler's checks

and doesn't ask questions. I love Rick Steves. I don't know who that is. Oh, really? No. Oh, I love't know who that is. Oh, really? No. Oh, I love Rick Steves so much. He sounds great. He's a PBS travel host who's deeply involved in marijuana advocacy. Oh, wow.

He's fantastic. He is great. He sounds great. He really is great. Yeah. He doesn't seem great. And then you realize. Yeah, you're totally great.

No, I mean, nothing about what you just did seemed not great. He's great. Yeah, he's fantastic. You've got good instincts, Jordan. You've got good instincts, Jordan. You've got your instincts. That's what they said in my audition today. And I did. Your instinct, though, was to pee your pants, then run.

Yeah. Nightmare squirrels. Sorry. So you have some travel tips. I would like to hear them. Some of these are a little my twist on some common ones. For example, with your money uh carry a money belt i recommend um a pro wrestling style title belt right because you can carry a lot of money in it

right and when you run out of money you can then sell the belt oh that's nice you can melt it for gold that's right i'm i mean you are the world traveler and I haven't been south of Santa Hena in my entire life. I guess isn't the point of those travel belts to be inconspicuous, to not draw attention to you? I always wondered. And so the pro wrestling belt, that would – Well, I'll give you an example. Okay. I'm going to Tulum in Mexico.

Sure. And you know what they call Mexico? The nation of luchadores. Yeah. Oh, so that's how people always dress. If you're not wearing the belt, people think it's weird and frankly a little gay. Yeah, it's true. Okay.

That's actually one of the corollaries of my tips. Just never, when you're traveling abroad, never speak English. It's considered rude. And then you immediately reveal yourself as a tourist, which is the last thing that you want to do. Sure. Another tip, when it comes to clothing, a lot of people, you know, not really, this is not so much for you because you'll have your retinue of six Sherpas carrying your wardrobe. I will.

Yeah. So, you know, we get that you figured out your clothes situation, Jesse. I have a decent mid-sized retinue of steamer trunks and porters. Right. It takes a while. Your clothes are actually on their way over there right now. I think they're in the Panama Canal. They are.

I'm Margaret Dumont from the Marx Brothers. Jordan, though, for you, I recommend traveling really, really light. Great. That's terrific. A really simple garment that can kind of fill a lot of social situations. Yeah, you can dress it up. You can dress it down. Sure.

Right, right. And you can go to a Tilly Endurables and spend a lot of money. But I recommend a small bag, three pairs of underwear, and a large poncho. Right. Okay. Just a poncho. Right. Just a poncho so that you can sort of cover it up, but it's good for day.

It's good for night. Can I suggest a good place to get a good value on this? Sure. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, I was maybe envisioning like a Mexican poncho, like a Clint Eastwood. But this is a rain poncho you're talking about. Here's the thing. If you want to go deluxe, there are ponchos with pockets and gussets for your crotch to keep

it roomy and comfortable. You have to be careful not to get a serape. You do want to avoid a serape. It sends the wrong message. Sure. It's a nation of luchadores. In a pinch, a trash bag is waterproof. So, you know, just

a trash bag and three pairs of underwear for you. Can I suggest, it's funny because we both have the same idea but came up with a totally different solution. We're both big travelers, Scott and myself. And I have recently – I was just joking about the retinue of porters. I've recently been converted to, you know, the idea of you just have one carry-on bag. Right. Real simple, real light. Fly light, George Clooney and up in the air.

Right. And what I suggest for people, you want to keep it really simple, really classy. And Jordan, I think this would work for you because it can go daytime to nighttime. The perfect LBD, little black dress. That's a good, that's a really good, something that's water and wrinkle-proof. I can just, yeah, I can just throw on a pair of sneakers, a pair of flats when I'm sightseeing. Right. Add some heels and some pearls.

Right. I'm ready to hit the town. Exactly. Yeah, it's true. And you rub the pearls on your teeth to tell if they're real. You do have to save space in your carry-on for the entire production run of Monocle magazine. Right. Sure. You're going to need to bring all of the Monocle magazine. Right. Sure.

You're going to need to bring all of the Monocle magazines. Sure. To jack off to. In case you're in a place without Wi-Fi, you're going to want to have a little hard copy porn. Well, yeah. Monocle magazine. You're going to want to jack off to the serial comic

about the Japanese guy who returns to Japan from abroad to work in his father's shirt-making business. That's a real thing. Monocle magazine. Seersucker shorts. More surprising, there's a Monocle magazine. I don't need to say this, obviously. Don't eat anything.

Bring a full complement of Luna bars and spring water with you. Can I just swallow prenatal vitamins? Yeah, but you have to do that in advance. Often at customs, they take them. So before you go, swallow an equivalent number of days that you'll be gone. If you're going for three months,

that's what, about 90 vitamins. Give it two days, though. That could give you a tummy ache. Or just at customs, say that they're for business. That's true. Just circle business. Whenever they ask about anything,

just say business. Just a couple of That's true. Just circle business. Whenever they ask about anything, just say business. Just a couple things that you shouldn't talk about. Obviously, politics, religion, we all know, but race, another one that's often a touchy subject. Democracy, the status of women, Xbox, things you do

with your mouth, anything involving time, like just a sort of linear narrative. Right. And just definitely don't say anything in English. Yeah.

There's a big concern with postmodernists. That's right. That's right. That's right. Don't like. Yeah, you can get into a lot of that.

That's where the old Twitter hashtag no pomo comes from. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. So those are my tips. I think I've said that before. I'm very grateful to you, Scott. yeah so those are my tips i think i've said that before really i'm very grateful to you yeah those are great i am really grateful and of course a comfortable

pair of shoes have a great trip you guys thanks i'm excited to see how it turns out and sell your dogs before you leave i'm also wondering is is the uh the i mean i about – I know I get the belt, the championship title belt in Mexico. Is there a British equivalent? I don't know what their wrestling situation is over there. Actually, I was going to very briefly mention a couple things about Britain specifically. First, you just wear a single portion of haggis around your waist, tied with a rope and some tape. Okay. You should hold it up.

And then stuff your money inside. That's what they give to their champion pro wrestler. That's right. Okay. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple just quick other things. If somebody offers to show you their London eye, say no.

Say no. Just decline. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Just no. Just decline. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Just real quick. Right. Is that a butthole?

And if so, I want to see that. You know, I get where you're coming from. Yeah. And I appreciate your perspective and your openness to the world is really, your wide openness to the world is really admirable. Just trust me. Okay. If someone offers you that, ask for a meat pie.

Oh, okay. And then doff your top hat. Okay. It's like a spy code. That's right. They ask, sorry, they ask, would you like a London fog? That's a London eye. Would you like a London fog? That's a London eye. Would you like a London eye?

And you say, I'd prefer a meat pie. I think you, if you're going specifically to London, you could try and fit in with one of the various subcultural groups of London. Like you could grow thick, matted, curly fur and claws and that's called being a teddy boy. Okay. That sounds like I'll also get to see a lot of you also want to listen to northern soul music okay if you have i don't know if you'll have time to get out of london but as you know london's very gloomy yeah um there's actually a village north of london still in england north of l of London, where the local residents have actually evolved over time to no longer have eyes. They just don't need them. So over time, nature has said, let's –

It's kind of like they're like a mole person. They're like a mole person, but they're outside and you can very easily rob them or do whatever you want. Well, they have other adaptations. I mean, because you take the resources that aren't feeding one thing and you feed them towards, for example, an incredible tolerance for blood sausage. That's a great point. Yeah. And in fact, that's why- A lot of seeing people won't eat and don't feel comfortable eating a blood sausage.

I mean, that's part of the reason why the movie Daredevil didn't play well over there. Yeah. It's because they wonder why this blind man wasn't just eating a lot of blood sausage. Why isn't he eating any black pudding, they said to themselves. And they're like, why is his hearing and sense of smell better? They're called watchies there. Films are called watchies. Watchies.

Excuse me. That's why the watchie, Daredevil. That's right. What's Ben Affleck called over there? Watch watchie. Her majesty. Her majesty. Affleck called over there. Watch Watchy. Her Majesty. Her Majesty.

They, oh, I recommend British, some good British films. Okay. E to Mama Tambien. It's a good one. Ocean on the Louvre.

That's right. That's good. That's good. Good Fellas. I don't know if you've ever seen any of the works of the great British director, Akira Kurosawa. I hear he's good. He is treemannous.

I hear he's good. And if you're in England, you cannot leave England without reading some, say it with me, manga. Have a great time in other country. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, tropical fruit. I don't know what that is.

Sure. Mr. Lady. I'll be a Mr. Lady. Mr. Lady. I like that. That's fun. Hey, listen, when something momentous happens to folks in our audience, we ask that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN

or email us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org and let us know in the immediate aftermath. And we've got some momentous occasion calls right now. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Why don't you run one out? Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, possible guests. This is Eric Collin from Milwaukee. Collin, I'm with the Rheumatistication. Just went to the doctor yesterday and confirmed that my wife is seven weeks pregnant with my baby.

Super excited. First child. So I guess my semen is more powerful than ever. Have a nice show. You know what? I like that he combined the pregnancy and paternity tests. Yeah, my baby. Not a baby or just pregnant.

Yeah. My baby. We checked it out. That's right. We took the necessary precautions. My wife is a real whore. I mean. She sluts around like you wouldn't believe.

Sure. We looked. He has my tail. Yeah. I am a hog man. Next telephone call, please. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I have a momentous occasion.

One of my chickens went broody, which is when they want a hatch to make. So I put them under her, and 21 days later, she has hatched four fluffy, adorable chicks. I am so fucking excited. She's being a really great mom. Jesse would think they're hilarious because they're silkies which means they're fluffy so they're like the bunnies of the chicken world.

Anyways, I'm really stoked. You guys have a great show. Thanks. Can you believe that her chicken went broody and had some silkies? I mean, when your broody and had some silkies. I mean, when your broody shoots out some silkies. Yeah. I mean, you usually have to.

Makes me want to go to a watchie. You usually have to go to a Japanese import store to get broody and silkies. I mean, when I want to see some broodies and silkies, I just pop in Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift. I read this article that our friend Susan Orlean wrote about raising chickens at her house. Oh, right. It seems like it would be super fun. And also, there are these horrifying nightmare parts that come from the fact that chickens are dumb as rocks and hateful to each other. Yes.

So not only are they constantly getting eaten by both like marmots and hawks and owls, but they also peck each other to death sometimes. If you don't set it up right, they will literally peck each other to death. Wow. That's letting too much each other to death. Wow. That's letting too much wild into your life. Yeah. Does it seem like we have a disproportionate amount of listeners who have farm animals? No, I mean, it seems appropriate. Yeah? Okay.

They're usually the most vocal members of any audience. Right. Yeah, yeah. No, I think you're right. If I had my choice, Green Acres is the place for me. Fair enough. You know, farm living, et cetera. Brian? Jordan and Jesse, I have a moment of vacation. I was just pulling into a parking spot,

only to be startled by a small girl in a sundress playing a balancing beam game on the divider, the barrier at the very base of the parking space. But instead of being startled by me, she looked at me, raised both her arms, and directed me into the spot, waving me back, giving me the mom back until my car was completely in the spot, at which point she put both hands on her hips and nodded approvingly. So you guys have a great day.

See, that's fun. Yeah, the guy kind of started out a little bit smug, but I can understand why you would have that tone. That is pretty cool. Yeah, I mean, he just hit a fucking home run with this parking job he did. Yeah, it is funny how little kids will get obsessed with a certain thing. A little kid will get obsessed with, I feel like there was a little

kid in my neighborhood growing up who was like, oh, I want to be a cashier at a grocery store. Something about that seemed really fun to him. So yeah, it's funny to think that there's a little girl out there who's just really into parking. She saw a valet one time. She doesn't know that it's a socially

you know maybe the not most it's not the most esteemed yeah i think when you're a little kid you assume that all jobs make the same amount of money right all grown-ups right make make a standard grown-up rate right and you know this because of how happy your parents are when they have a job and how sad they are when they're unemployed. Right. So, yeah, it's funny that this little girl is just really into parking cars. Also, just little girls are the most delightful people on the planet. My daughter is five, and the other day she was holding a penny. She was holding a coin. She dropped it.

She walked over, picked it up, and said, hey, I found a penny. That's great. Just delighted the world. Can I suggest something to take advantage of these unusual obsessions that children have? I've been thinking about this. You know, my father was an Eagle Scout. And I did not scout. eagle scout um and i did not scout um and i don't feel comfortable sending my my one-year-old son into the scouts i like where you're going with both because he still is having a hard time with

his walking but and you don't trust him with building a fire right yeah but also because you know they won't let the gays in sure and i don't approve of that or atheists yeah or atheists yeah well you but you can always claim to not be an atheist. I worked at a church for four years. You could say you're not an atheist, but when the time comes for the spring fuck around, and you won't stick it in that pussy. When the pussy's good and ready. Yeah.

And you're soft as a cooked spaghetti. Right. And then you don't get your merit badge. Right. Exactly. But what I'm thinking is we could create an alternative scouting organization that has subjects of interest to us. Like, for example, this young girl, I don't know if valet parking would be one, but a related subject, semaphore. Yeah.

I mean, what is a semaphoreist but a valet parker for an airplane? Exactly. Boat? Or a valet parker for ship-to-ship communications? Sure. That's a great idea. Ship-to-ship, ship-to-shore, shore-to-shore. I mean, and that's a skill idea. Ship to ship, ship to shore, shore to shore.

I mean, and that's a skill she can use. Right. If she is cast in a Wes Anderson movie. Exactly. Well, I think- And for no other purpose. I think that primarily we would focus on Wes Anderson movie related. Oh, yeah. So just prepare a generation of children to be in Wes Anderson movies.

What do you think of Rocket Scouts? Oh, I like that. Maybe I've just got rockets on the brain because we recently obtained our own rocket. Rocket Patrol? I mean, maybe Scouts is too much? Rocket Patrol? Rocket Patrol. I like it.

That sounds like you're rounding up rockets and putting them in an internment camp. It sounds like we're racist against rockets. No, you'd wear a t-shirt with a rocket on it and go out and take care of business. Take care of business. Rocket posse. Pants old ladies or whatever it is that you're supposed to do. Is that right?

In a crosswalk. I got to do it. I'm rocket patrol. Yeah. No court in the world will convict you. You're rocket patrol. Sorry, mister. Yeah.

I had to do it for my badge. That's a great justification for almost any crime, too. I was getting a merit badge. Getting a merit badge. In arson. Sorry I stole all that Sudafed, mister. I was doing it to get my badge. Sorry I was jerking it in public.

I was doing it to get my badge. I haven't gotten the weird Long Island talker badge yet, so I still talk like this. I'm working on it. I think we've got two great action items on this week's program. I think we've got two great action items on this week's program. We've got suggestions for songs Jordan can sing and suggestions for merit badges for the Rocket Scouts. I like that. It's a great idea.

I think someone in our audience can probably help us set up a Rocket Scouts website, too. I certainly can't do it. Go on Squarespace. Try to give that a spin. Do you have to be an atheist homosexual to join? It helps. It does help. There is a merit badge. I mean, you don't have to get every merit badge.

It'll help get you through the hazing where a guy dressed as Jesus sucks your dick. What are the levels? So there's the softies. Yeah, that's when you first join. There's softie.

Then what? The London eyes. Upper atmo. Upper atmo. The sissy cores. Sissy bounce. Sorry, sissy bouncers. Can Starman be the top rank?

Starman is perfect. If we're talking about if one of the achievements is playing pro wrestling on the NES. You have to find Amazon and the Panther. Maybe we should just take all of the names of the levels from either pro wrestling or I'm just throwing this out there, baseball stars.

So you get to one level, it's American Dreams. One level, it's something from pro wrestling, which I didn't ever play. Oh, sure. Yeah, so yeah, I think the Amazon is a good one. Starman. SNK Crushers. The Panther. SNK Crushers. Also, you need different pro wrestling characters. Obviously, one thing to think about as you're building this is your, I don't know, membership, your roster, everybody who's a Rocket Scout will grow.

Your, I don't know, membership, your roster, everybody who's a Rocket Scout will grow. So, of course, you'll start with one, I don't know what you want to call them, patrol or posse or gaggle. Yeah, sure. But then you'll have many more. Murder. One murder. One murder of Rocket Scouts. Rip. A brace of Rocket Scouts.

But, you know, over time you'll have a bunch. And so you may want to name your different teams something as well. So there's actually a lot of naming to do, a lot of branding. There's a lot of opportunities. We're going to have to get Nick Hornby in on this, the king of names. This is going to be a lot of fun. I'm excited. Let's start with merit badges.

Then we can deal with levels, because right now nobody's... I think we're going to want those to be, be like sponsored things. Oh, it's a great idea. The Slim Jims. Right. It's a great idea. Yeah, the Big Bang Theory now on TBS. Right, right, right.

Right, I think you know what? I think we should just do reruns. Oh, yeah, sure. Seinfeld on KTLA. Thursdays at 5, that's when you first join. Yeah, sure. Big Bang Theory every weeknight on TBS. Is Cheers still on Nick at Night?

All right. That's a question that Nick at Night wants us to explore because they don't know. It's like our Warner Brothers doesn't know that Supernatural is still on the air. I can't stay up that late. I go to sleep every day at 5. Yeah, precisely. Okay. So give us a call.

What skills should the Rocket Scouts master? The Rocket, what are they called? Rocket Patrollers. What skills should the Rocket Patrollers master and what song should Jordan sing at karaoke? Action items for this week. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scott Simpson, getting a little sunburned. Scott is the host of You Look Nice Today. You can find it on the internet by typing youlooknicetoday into it. Youlooknicetoday.com. Sure is.

Yeah. That's what I recommend. I recommend you go listen to that. It's one of the best shows. Thanks. Thank you. It's really a blast. It's always a delight. Monthly program. Scott to it. It's one of the best shows. Thanks. Thank you. It's really a blast. It's always a delight.

Monthly program. Scott, of course, is the star of the show. Yeah, I am the star of the show. You know, there's some flash and bang from the other two. Sure. They come out strong. But essentially, I mean, if I could kind of condense this argument, essentially you're Urkel. Right, right, right.

Okay. I'm the one who. Originally, the theory waskel. Right, right, right. Okay. I'm the one who... Originally, the theory was that you were going to be a peripheral character. But it was mostly going to be about Reginald Val Johnson. Sure. What you put on those suspenders, Scott. Once you put on those suspenders, we got it. We knew what the show was.

I'm one of the showrunners on You Look Nice Today. Oh, okay. Yeah, and we had a hard time envisioning sort of an arc for some of the secondary and tertiary characters, by which I mean Adam and Merlin. Right, right, right. And really, once Scott put on that outfit, you know, once he flooded the pants, put on the suspenders, and said, you look nice today! That's when we knew. Everybody knew. And said, you look nice today. That's when we knew.

Everybody knew. And, you know, originally the studio didn't want to give us a $14 million per season budget for sets because it's entirely an audio show. Yeah. We're like, guys, have you ever heard of Mood? It's all up. I mean, it's all up there on screen. And by on screen, I mean through the speakers. That's right.

That's right. And I do love doing that show. And hey, guess what? We're in fucking London. I know I talked about this last week. We didn't have a date and time chosen last week. It's August 11th, Saturday afternoon at the Leicester Square Theatre. You're going to get a Jordan Jesse go.

You're going to get an International Waters. You're going to get celebrity guests. And I'm not messing around on these celebrity guests, Scott. Who are you getting? Who are you getting? I'm not going to tell you yet. Good, good. I don't want to know.

It'd be too soon. I will say that I have already booked a famous comedy writer with the initials Graham Linehan. But we have other amazing people. We will actually have actual. But we have other amazing people. We will actually have actual – the thing is, is that in England, for one thing, they let dumpy people on television. And for another thing, they just have a very low standard for what makes someone a celebrity. Like you can be – like I think on – they have the show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

At this point, their standard for getting onto that show is, well, it's a person that's on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of There. So they're a celebrity. Yeah, it's like a feedback loop. Right, exactly. So I think we're going to get some major serious people on this show. It's going to be a lot of fun. And here's the truth. If we don't get people to come to this, no, we will never, ever get the chance to come back.

Yeah, come to it. Yeah, so. never ever get the chance to come back. Yeah. Come to it. Yeah. So. Come to one or both shows. For real. Come to these shows and we're going to hang out afterwards and get plastered on. Cider. Cider.

I don't know. Nuki. Nuki Browns. What do you guys like over there these days? Some weird warm, warm beer. Yeah. Some kind of weird. Some room temperature beer. Weedy.

Like a beer that drinks like a meal. I'm just going to smuggle in some Bud Light Limeritas up my ass. If you're not a local, though, just one thing to be aware of, Leicester Square, you say Leicester, it's actually spelled X-L-O-T-R-P dot dot dot. There's other letters, but just look for it. Oh, that's the name of that new Coldplay album. dot dot dot there's other letters

but right just look for oh that's the name of that new Coldplay album that's right the easy way to google it is just type in R-H-Y-S

I-F-A-N-S it's Welsh hmm um anyway 206-9844-FUN is our telephone number jjgoe at maximumfun.org

our email address action items this week what song should Jordan sing in karaoke and of course what should the merit badges be for our our new

fictional our new rival to the Boy Scouts where everyone's gay where everyone is gay in our Boy Scouts gay gay

gay gay give us a call drop us an email I'll talk to you in two weeks. Jordan will be here next week. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. Thank you to them by their lovely music.

Scott, of course, thank you to you. And our thanks to Brian Fernandez on the boards. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.