Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 234: Kenny Floggins with Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon

Episode Date: July 30, 2012

Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon from The Indoor Kids podcast join Jordan for a discussion of the Olympics, karaoke, dental dams, and Jordan's new signature Bud Light Lime-A-Rita cocktail.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

Jesse is out of town this week, but I am joined by Emily and Kumail from the Indoor Kids podcast. We talk about the Olympics, dental dams, and Jason Statham beating up David Beckham. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne on sabbatical today. But luckily I have brought in, I would say, podcasting's power couple, Kamil Nanjiani and Emily Gordon from The Indoor Kids.

Hi, guys. Hello. Hey, I have to say my name, right? I was Kamil Nanjiani, Liu Kang. Oh, that's right. The nickname segment will come next. Oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry.

There's a very specific formula here at Jordan, Jesse Go. That will come later. Kumail just wanted to be Liu Kang. Sometimes Jesse isn't here. Yeah, Emily, for your benefit, you'll be asked to come up with a nickname at some point, if you want. Fair enough. It will happen, yeah.

Kumail is just a character from Mortal Kombat. That's not the most imaginative nickname I've ever heard. What? I like it. I like it. If you're trying to get me on your side, bad-mouthing Liu Kang. Not bad-mouthing Liu Kang, just your nicknaming skills, that's all.

No. Your self-nicknaming skills. He's the only, I would say the only honorable fighter in the Mortal Kombat tournament. Everybody else has selfish motives. Well, Kung Lao, you could say, is fairly clear of heart. But nobody wants to be called Kung Lao. Are you saying that you want people to call you Liu Kang? Is that what we're getting at?

That's just my nickname for the show. Okay, fair enough. I'll come up with a good nickname. What's Jesse's name? Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. It's Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. It's Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart, Jordan Morris, Boy Detective, Boy Detective, Kumail Nanjiani, Liu Kang. It works. It works very. Now I got to come up with mine. That's going

to be tough. Not yet. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? There's a little tradition on Jordan Jesse Go. When Jesse is not here and I host, I kind of like to make the vibe kind of like, you know, mom and dad are on vacation. Yeah. Let's throw a party and clean up before they get back. Great. So I always like to have a drink, have a cocktail ready for the guests. Yeah. I know you guys have kind of had a boozy weekend, but.

Not me. Right. Okay. Not guys have kind of had a boozy weekend, but... Not me. Right. Okay. Not Kumail, of course. But Emily, all the way. Right. Kumail, you're only tweaking on meth. I just do meth. On a constant basis. It's the only one that the

Quran doesn't explicitly say is illegal. Because they didn't know about it. They didn't have meth yet. Had they had meth, the Quran. They didn't have meth yet. Yeah. Okay. Had they had meth, the Quran would have been written a lot quicker. What, you're assuming they would have been on meth? I don't know. Everybody. So I've actually created a special cocktail.

Listeners to the previous episodes will know that recently I had a bad run-in with the Bud Light Limerita. Do you know what this is? No. Are you familiar with Bud Light Lime? Unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I love Bud Light Lime. It's just lime flavored Bud Light. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A new product came out, the Bud Light Limerita, and I was thinking, great. I love Bud Light Lime. I love margaritas. This is going to be my jam.

This is your thing. This is disgusting. It's bad? This is gross. Really bad? It's like a piss popsicle. Like it's someone made, someone just froze piss in an ice tray. Has that someone been drinking Bud Light and then peeing it out?

Yes. There's a slight Bud Light tang to it. out yes there's a slight there's a slight bud light tang to it no i mean it's like i get i guess the closest thing other than piss popsicle would be like a really bad smirnoff ice and smirnoff ice is really bad so is it that it's a margarita with instead of tequila it's bud light is that the idea of the that's what i thought i thought it would be some sort of like because you know you when you go to a mexican, you can get a beer cocktail. These are delicious. I've never had a beer cocktail. No, this has nothing to do with Bud Light Lime.

It's just like on a movie poster when they say, from the producer of Alice in Wonderland. Oh, yeah. From the people who watched E.T. Right, exactly. From the studio that brought you The Blind Side. That's my favorite. They've made good decisions in the past. Why not now?

So anyway, so I had a couple of these. I bought a case of them. Clearly a grocery store, right? Anticipating that I would love these. Yeah, sure. And just put them back like water. It's like those people who bought like four or five tickets to the Dark Knight Rises before they even ever had seen it once. People bought like a bunch of –

Multiple tickets. So yes, this is that situation. So I've got a fridge full of Bud Light Lime-O-Ritas and nothing to do with them. So here's what I have done. I have made a signature cocktail using Bud Light Lime-O-Rita. And I want to get – I want to be specific about this brand of tequila I'm using because I think it's important. It's one part, it's one part Bud Light Limerita.

Just one? One part. Yes. That's it. Any more is bad. Right. Any more would be cruel. Okay.

Fair enough. It probably should be half part. Okay. One part Bud Light Limerita. They didn't really promote this product. This is the first I've heard of it. You know, there are billboards in certain neighborhoods. I can guess which neighborhoods.

Yes. What language are the billboards in? A language I have elvish, oddly enough, is the word cerveza on any of these billboards. Yes. Or perhaps the word refresca. It's good for the corazon. Okay. The sabor.

Yeah. It's sabor. This is one part Espanolo tequila. Espanolo. Which is a delicious tequila. Okay. An entire half a lime and an entire quarter of a lemon. Ooh.

So you get some- Wait, the whole- The juice. The juice. The juice. Yeah. So the word entire is completely unnecessary. Absolutely.

I would even say incorrect. Yeah. That's like saying it's complete half a car. It's... A complete half a car. Right. But if you drained... And the gasoline.

If you drained all the liquids out of a car... It's the gasoline. The antifreeze, the windshield wiper stuff. Yeah. The gasoline. The oil. And then did half of that. The oil, yeah. That's what you get. And then did half of that. The oil, yeah.

That's what you get. And then half of that. So, Emily, would you actually hold this shaker? I would love to. I'm going to shake these because I want it to be as delicious as possible. So this is very much like my parents are at a town party in that you've got a shitty drink for us. Yes, exactly.

Are we going to have to pour water into the tequila so your parents don't find out? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So the levels are the same. A friend of mine threw a party while their parents were out of town

when we were in high school and when they came back like shit just went nuts. We had to clear furniture out. Everything was the same when the parents came back except one end table was turned around backwards

so that the drawer was facing the wall instead of facing the room and that's how the parents did it. Oh, my God. It's like in Misery facing the wall instead of facing the room. And that's how the parents. Oh, my God. It's like in Misery when the penguin isn't facing west or whatever. And then she breaks his legs.

Yeah, the stakes were a little lower. With a hammer. Your friend's knees got broken. As soon as the parents got home. Yeah, as soon as they got home. And then he had to write a horror story. Okay, so I am shaking this. I just want everyone to know that I am properly shaking this cocktail.

Do it. Oh, very proper. Look at you, Tom Cruise. Very proper. I will slide across the floor in my underwear later. So what I want from you guys is your just honest opinion. Is this something that you would drink? And what should we call this?

Kumail, I know if you want to abstain, you may. Or I can pre- I can definitely have- Yeah, I'll abstain. I'll have the opinions for both of us. Yes, go ahead and have both opinions. Oh, why are you handing me that? Nope, I'm handing you the wrong thing.

What about you? You get drunk, have the whole shaker. I have already had one, and I have my opinion about this, but I will- Don't tell us. It's like Emily saw Dark Knight Rises before me, and then she wouldn't tell me. I wouldn't say any words. A word she wouldn't say. Guys, here's to...

Here's to you, Jordan. Thanks, guys. You were fishing for that. Yeah. You had a pause. I don't know. I don't know. Me?

Here's to the hardworking people at the Anheuser-Busch Corporation. Okay. Thoughts. Initial thoughts. What I taste is the tequila. Okay. What I taste is the lime. I guess I don't taste any of the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

Which is sort of the goal. It's refreshing. Yeah. It's kind of like when they say that Fruit Loops are a part of a balanced breakfast, but they're like the worst part of it. You know, like you're supposed to have a full glass of milk and some juice and two pieces of fruit and cereal, but their cereal is like the shittiest part of it. That kid would get diabetes.

That kid would get diabetes. That is a lot of orange juice. That's how this tastes. I find this refreshing. Okay. Yeah. So this drink is definitely called Liu Kang, right? No, I'm called Liu Kang. I don't know. I'm this refreshing. Okay. Yeah. So this drink is definitely called Liu Kang, right? No, I'm called Liu Kang.

I don't know. I'm Liu Kang. I mean, I'm prepared to workshop this a little bit. There's more. There's something we can find. Why are there no Hispanic fighters in fighter games ever? Hispanic fighters. Well, no.

Street Fighter has that. Pit Fighter has an unlockable character, Lazy Pablo. Let's not call this the Lazy Pablo. Oh, no, Street Fighter has that. Pit Fighter has an unlockable character, Lazy Pablo. Let's not call this the Lazy Pablo. Oh, no. It did not have Lazy Pablo. My suggestion. First of all, that's wrong because none of them are lazy. Right.

That's how we know. They're fighting in a pit. Yeah. Which is strenuous. That's a tough job. Requires a lot. The guy from El, what's his name? The guy from Street Fighter 4? lot the guy from El Fuerte so yeah I think he might be

he might be Hispanic first Vega was vaguely Spanish Vega is from Spain he's Spanish so we could say Vega sub-zero this is getting very convoluted I'm trying to think

there's beer in here. Let's pull the camera back a little bit. Sure. Something you're very excited about that's going to be big and then it's

very disappointing and then you take something that's disappointing and then you revert it back to glory. I think that Camille already has something

specific in mind. No, I don't. I'm just talking it out. So something disappointing that you make something you were excited about. No, I don't. I'm just talking it out. Okay, so something disappointing. Something you're excited about that's hyper disappointing. Well, I guess for me, maybe we can call this watching the expendables on mushrooms. You know, something you think is going to be great.

It's disappointing. But you make it better. I would say it's mostly the mushrooms that's helping because you could do anything on mushrooms and it'd be great. Yeah, well, the expendables, even the expendables. Even the expendables. Staring at a coffee cup on mushrooms would be awesome. Would be, hypothetically. In theory. In theory, for me, it would be.

All right. So is there anything with that? Like a phoenix rising from the ashes? Something with the expendables? Like phoenix rising from the ashes? Something with the expendables? Like a dark knight rising from the ashes? Yeah, I mean, I think Batman is the talk of the town. Can we see any Batman parallels here? No, I think this should be sort of a personal, this should be something from your experience.

Yeah, from your life. The name should come from your, because this drink hypothetically speaks to me. This is a Jordan Morris joint. Sure. Maybe, yeah. And it feels personal. It does feel personal. It feels like it comes

from a personal place. So I feel like maybe even like what's a TV show you were looking forward to or like something... Or like when you were a kid, something you were excited about. Or a toy maybe you were excited

about getting when you were a kid. Oh, okay. Jeez, let's see. I mean, I mean, well, one of the big letdowns I think of my childhood was the third Ninja Turtles movie.

Oh. When they went to Japan. Okay, all right. What was the byline to that? I wish, it's not Secret of the Ooze. Turtles in Time? Not Secret of the Ooze.

Turtles in Time was the video game. Turtles in Time was the video game, but was that also the movie? I'm looking to Brian Fernandez for confirmation. Brian Fernandez, confirmed. He's checking it out. Okay, so... Tequila's in Time?

Tequila's in Time? Tequila's in Time? Maybe. I like that. People will be confused. Does it have time in it? No, no, no. T-Y-M-E, Tequila in Time.

Yeah, no. When I was a kid, let me start by saying Bud Light Lime is pretty good. And then there's a long back story. There is a long back story. Yeah, something where the piece, a piece of it. No, no, no. Yeah, no, I like the idea we're going with more of like TV shows or toys. I was trying to think there was a train toy I had when I was a kid that you took like an hour and a half to put the train set together.

And then like, it's like magnetic train. And then immediately the train falls off the tracks as soon as you, like. But if you press it too hard, you're pressing the button too hard. Can I tell you something? Kumail, you weren't there. You have to slow down on the curves. You weren't there. No, as soon as it went like two inches, it fell.

It was the. It's like, like the, like slot cars. Yeah. But a train. It was robotics there. No, as soon as it went like two inches it fell. It was the... It's like the slot cars, but a train. It was Robotics, I think was the name of it. And my dad and I were so excited. I was so excited to get this prize and I got it. We took forever to put it together. We were like, alright, maiden voyage, let's do this. And it literally just was like two inches,

fell right off the track. It was heartbreaking. We never could get it to work. Wow, this drink really is inspiring. The magnetic train? Magnetic train. The magnetic train? That kind of feels... That feels like something.

It does feel like something. Yeah. You could order that in a she-she bar where the bartender had a handlebar mustache, right? And definitely suspenders. Yes, the bartender definitely has suspenders. I'll take an electric train. I bet the word infused is mentioned in the description. So many times. Something is muddled. And definitely suspenders. Yes, the bartender definitely has suspenders. I'll take an electric train.

I bet the word infused is mentioned in the description. So many times. Something is muddled. Something is muddled. The guy could muddle something. Like your motivations, am I right? You guys. Brian, how are we doing on that third Ninja Turtles movie?

What's the byline to that? Okay. How's it going? You're fighting that fire. He's fighting a fire. But the second one was called Secrets of the News. Brian, we just met. I don't want to doubt you.

But I feel like they would not have gone back to not having a subtitle name. That seems correct to me. Even Brian agrees. I mean, is Secret of the Boos too obvious? I had not even thought of that, but I love it. What do you like better? Magnetic Train?

Secret of the Boos? Yeah. Scorpions of Zero? We've come up with some pretty terrible names. Do we classify the second Turtles movie as a disappointment? Not to me. It was not. Yeah, me either.

I had a huge crush on the first April O'Neil. A huge crush. Judith Hogue was her name. And then I was very upset that they'd replaced her for the second one. So I was very disappointed that it wasn't going to be her. So you were disappointed in the second one. But then I was very upset that they'd replaced her for the second one. So I was very disappointed that it wasn't going to be her. So you were disappointed in the second one. But then I watched it and I was like, oh, Paige Turco. She's even prettier than the first one.

It turns out Kamau's like, oh, are you a grown-up lady? I'm going to have the hots for you. I like grown-up ladies. Grown-up white ladies. Grown-up white ladies. Yeah, they're not going to disappoint. I would have loved you, Emily. Aw. Grown-up white ladies. Grown up white ladies. Yeah, they're not going to disappoint. I would have loved you, Emily. Aww.

Grown up white ladies. So your Craigslist ad would read, looking for G-U-W-L. Yeah, grown up white lady. And I'm a young Pakistani boy. Cool. U-P-B, looking for G-U-W-L. Y-P-B, looking for G-U-W-L. For C-O-T-O, for Secret of the Ooze.

Oh, yeah. Which is a sex movie you wanted to do. Yeah, Secret of the Ooze. That'd be the best name for a porn movie, for sure. Yeah. Secret of the Ooze? I know what the secret is. Yeah.

Yeah. It's that it comes out of a dick. And then it'll make you pregnant. Oh, yeah. You guys, I was thinking of the vagina for those because I feel like vaginas ooze. Oh, come on. So self-involved. Whereas dicks, oh, yeah, that's all I think about are my own private parts.

But it's true. The dicks don't ooze semen. That's gross. After the initial blast, which is overstating it a little bit, but after that, there is, right? Is it a secretive ooze that comes out there? There's a bit of like some. There's a little bit. But after that, there is... Is it a secret of ooze that comes out there? There's a little bit of oozing. Theoretically.

Is this too dirty? So the secret of the ooze is taker shoe shopping. Am I right? Ladies love to shop. No, no, I would say this isn't dirty enough. This should be dirty enough to get you kicked off of a stage at Comic-Con.

Oh, yeah, I'm in. Oh, wait, hold on. Live sex show. Done. There you go. I'm sure you guys have talked about that. We have talked about it. Yeah, we don't need to bring it up again.

Oh, my God, yeah. Terrible. Okay, so you know what? I kind of like, okay, let's say that Secret of the Booze is the byline to this drink. Okay. We should pick one of these things to go before it. Sure. So Bud Light Limerita, Secret of the Booze, Electric Train.

No. Is that too much? Is that? That's a lot of words. No, I like Electric Train. Electric. Yeah. Wasn't it Magnetic Train?

Yeah, I like Magnetic Train. Magnetic Train. Yeah, yeah. Magnetic Train. Magnetic Train 2. Secret of the Magnetic Train. Magnetic Train. Yeah, yeah. Magnetic Train. Magnetic Train 2. Secret of the Booze. I think we did it. I kind of think we did too.

Yeah, that's good. Well, guys, if you want to make your own Magnetic Train 2 Secret of the Booze at home, one part tequila, one part Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. One complete half a lime. One complete half a lime and a whole car. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kumail Nanjiani. Liu Kang. Emily Gordon, as yet un-nicknamed. No. Am I? Is this when I do the nickname?

It is supposed to be where you do the nickname. Can I be? You can come up with it. Just do it. Just by the end of the show, I want you to have all the nicknames. I've got two options. No, no, no. Just do one.

Okay. We'll do... Reset. Okay. Start over. Okay. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris,

boy detective. Kamal Lange, Jenny Liu Kang. Emily Gordon, Lime-A-Rita. Lime-A-Rita's not bad. I thought that was a pretty... That nickname leaves

a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Her cans drop. I thought to myself... Emily, careful, your cans are everywhere. I thought to myself that that was a cute... I was like, that's cute. Let's go with that, right? It is cute.

And then, yeah. What was the other option? A slumber party. A slumber party? One woman slumber party. I like that too, though. I kind of do too. Yeah.

How do you play light as a feather, stiff as a board with yourself, though? You should see it. That's why you should come. Yeah, that sounds great. What is light as a feather, stiff as a board? It's where you levitate a friend of yours with your fingers. And it works? It's not levitation.

It's just everybody using just their fingertips to lift someone off the ground who's laying on the ground. You can do it? While you're doing it, you're kind of chanting, light as a feather, stiff as a board. And it's kind of the implication is that you're kind of summoning a spirit. A demon who has nothing better to do than to lift an eight-year-old. Slightly lift eight-year-olds off the ground, kind of. Yeah, what do you do? I, you know, I kill babies in hell.

Yeah? Oh, I kill gay people in hell. Oh, cool. Yeah, what do you do? I go to slumber parties and lift eight-year-olds. Cool. Like an inch off the ground. I'd like to be the one that just shows up in the mirror behind you, Bloody Mary.

I guess that would be Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary, yeah. And that she doesn't do anything to hurt you. She's just like, oh, God, really? I got to go show up in another mirror? I got to go to this orphanage on Saturday. And Sunday I got. Do you think, do modern kids still do those spooky slumber party activities?

I really hope so. I do too. Yeah, there's like, that kind of falls under the category of like Ouija board. Yeah. And putting the candle wax into the... Like you drip a candle into... You drip hot candle wax into a bowl of cold water and the shape the wax takes,

that's just supposed to tell a fortune somehow. That's fun. I didn't know that one. Huh. I haven't tried that. That sort of is like the tea leaves. It's like a version of that. Right. Yeah, exactly.

So yeah, but I wonder if, you know, if teens just sext each other the whole time now. They probably just do a lot of sexting and maybe a lot of, yeah, maybe they're just watching horror movies. That's, I don't know. That's a bummer. I mean, we did that, too, but then after your parents make you go to sleep. Yeah, I bet kids tell horror stories and stuff. I mean, I bet they still have, like, scary stories.

We should find some kids and ask them. That's weird. Yep. You're the one most likely to have any and ask them. That's weird. Yep. You're the one most likely to have any success with that. That's a good point.

Can I give you guys some advice? Don't go up to any children and ask them. Male, female, does not matter. Don't ask them if they're doing...

Do you like spooky stuff? Yeah. Start like that. I can scare you. Let's talk about your last slumber party. When you and your friends do slumber parties, do you like spooky stuff?

Can I come and watch? Let's see what happens. Also, check out my dick. Don't say that to a child. Good advice. So guys, I had kind of a milestone recently. I got a nice cable package recently. Oh my God. I called up Time Warner,

and I asked them for the Variety package. Variety package. Got myself a DVR, got myself an HBO. Look at you. It's nice. I feel like I've been, for my adult life out of college, I've been kind of like a TV scavenger. Yeah.

A little bit of Hulu, a little bit of Netflix, a little bit of – I had like mystery free cable in my house for a while. Yeah, your friend is really good at describing the episodes. Right, yes. I read a lot of recaps. Game of Thrones flip books. Yeah. That's how I caught up, via flip book. So yeah, but I thought –

Those are thick flip books. They are very thick, yeah. A lot of boobs in those flip books. Yeah. I just keep going on those pages over and over. Continue, Sam. Right, right, right. So yeah, so I thought it was time to kind of grown up.

And as a guy who would like to work in television, I should probably be watching it. You've got to watch a lot of TV. So I got in something kind of amazing that comes with that package is HBO Go. Yes. Wait, Time Warner gets HBO Go? It does. Oh. Yeah. We get it, we just have not, we've never

tried to access it here in America. You can put an app on the Xbox to watch the HBO Go. We've got to do that. Wow. It's terrific. What about, what's your guys' cable situation? Same thing. We're to do that. Wow. It's terrific. What about you? What's your guys' cable situation? Same thing. Yeah, we're full cabled out.

Okay, great. Well, we don't have like Showtime and stuff, but we have HBO. Okay, gotcha. You don't really need Showtime. No, you don't need Showtime. Right? Yeah.

So I have this HBO Go plugged in, and this is basically what I wanted the most. You know, I've kind of sampled Game of Thrones on DVD and there's a bunch of other stuff and I've always wanted to catch up on Eastbound and Down. So I'm like, great. All this stuff is just here and I can just watch it and not feel bad about stealing it and not feel

like I have to wait for the DVDs. So I plug in this HBO Go and I'm kind of like, what should I do first? Well, I've only seen a few episodes of Girls. I'd like to be in that conversation with everybody. Catch up on that, yeah. I'm like, well, I've only seen a few episodes of Girls. I'd like to be in that conversation with everybody. Catch up on that, yeah. I'm like, well, all these down and downs are here. And then I just proceeded to watch like three episodes of Real Sex,

which are all archived in the late night. Yeah. They have a late night section of HBO Go. And I went right to that. The weird thing about, you can't really masturbate to real sex because it goes from like hot women

to like some Dutch party. I could as a kid. Oh yeah. I did a little bit of HBO late night. But it's like it'll cut right to like

some old Dutch orgy. It's always Dutch orgies. It's all old Dutch orgies. Yeah. A lot of old Dutch orgies on that show. Or like That's an orgy where all old. A lot of Dutch orgies. Yeah, a lot of old Dutch orgies on that show. Or like. That's an orgy where the man and the woman both pay for themselves.

Yeah. Boom, boom, boom. I'm a liberated woman. I don't need you to pay for my orgy. Yeah, real sex is basically like, can we get the ugliest people to have sex on camera? And they're like, yeah, we can. Turns out, they'll do it. What fun stuff have you seen on there?

Well, I watched the most recent real sex. Well, how recent is that? This is 2009. Because they're not making them anymore, I don't think. Yeah, I wonder. Good question. It feels like they go sort of... It's like Doctor Who. It's like menstruation.

Not menstruation. Although I'm sure that's in a lot of real sex episodes. Yeah, a couple episodes. I hear when a lot of women work in the same office, their Doctor Whos sync up. They do. Are you on David Tennant? Me too. Yeah, so the most recent one I watched was 2009.

Yeah, so the most recent one I watched was 2009, and it is a real sex, and it's themed – kind of the theme is sex in an economic downturn. I bet it's angrier. Yes. I like that they're like, we've got to stay current. How can we stay relevant to what's going on in society? It's a stretch. Sure. Is it called banging on a budget?

Oh, God, I wish. They do a stretch. Sure. Is it called banging on a budget? Oh, God, I wish. They do a couple of things. They do an expose on white-collar women who have turned to stripping. I like that. Wait, there are women who are office jobs who now have to strip? Apparently. I find that very hard to believe. I'm just trying to pay off my student loans.

I'm going to be a veterinarian. They made it sound like an epidemic. They made it sound like... First of all, epidemic implies that it's bad. Right. I think office ladies going to become strippers seems, I don't know how it could not help America. It's pretty great, yeah. I mean, it's putting more money into the economy.

Sure, I mean, every time I go to a strip club, I'm like, well, this woman is beautiful and she's a great dancer and smells terrific. I just wish she knew more about Excel. Yeah, how is she at Excel? Right. I mean, she excels at being naked right now,

but... Yes. And then I would hope all of them would come in in, like, office gear and be like, oh, are those reports finished? And then they just start stripping whatever shit is on. Oh, yeah, like they're your bitchy boss. Yeah, bitchy boss. And then they're like, oh, are those parts finished? And then they just start stripping whatever shit he's on. Oh, yeah, like they're your bitchy boss. Yeah, bitchy boss. Oh my god, who doesn't... You're gonna need to work through lunch.

Hot-blooded! American bourbon! Wait, there's some weird, like, things happening in my ear. Is that in the recording or is that fine? It must be... Okay, alright. So, yeah, so... Who doesn't want to hate fuck their awful boss right that's like such a great what huh well okay let me i'm trying to think of the times that i've

had a ball busting female boss i've never once wanted to fuck hate fuck or fuck any of my terrible bosses no but if you've ever had like a really terrible boss who's also hot, but they're bad, conceivably you might want to hate fuck them. Hypothetically? Is this what we're doing? Also, is hate fuck not a phrase that we're on board with? Seems like you guys are not on board with this thing. No, no, I'm familiar. You get hate fuck. I am. I I can think of one particularly mean female boss that I had who I

would not have been attracted to in the outside world. But just when the thought of her up. Yeah. When the thought of having sex with her creeped in it was a little more potent just to give her what she deserves like rage. Like you know what I think it is. You know what I think

it is. It's totally consensual, we should say. Right, right, yeah. This is completely consensual. No one's raping their boss. No. We get that. No one's raping.

You hate fucking them. So why? I think it would be I finally got your approval. I think it would be like- Or like you get the power finally in this situation because she's had

so much of the power. Yeah, no, and that's true. Totally. It's like when, yeah, it's like, oh, I do, I have to, if I have to stay here, you know, till 10 p.m., you know.

I guess I'll fuck you. Because you told me to. Yeah. Yeah, right. But also, right. I'm giving it to you, so it's good. Sure. But I think, to me, it was more about like, because then we would be equal, you know.

Then you would be equal. It's like, see, now can't we, now that we fucked, can't we just talk through our disagreements? Is that what it is for you? I think seeing someone's pussy is the great equalizer. I think you always have that in the back of your head, like you're being a bitch to me right now. I totally saw your vagina. I've seen your pussy. Yeah.

Well, they talk about the special relationship between America and England. I mean, I think that's when Bill Clinton showed Tony Blair his pussy yeah I think that's what it is hey let's guys we're not we're not really so different level playing field guys come on we're both men with secret pussies not so secret anymore no uh so uh so okay, what were you going to say? So this was white-collar women turned to stripping. And then there was so, and kind of the conceit of this was like, you know, we see her in her house going, my bills are so high. What am I going to do? And then she goes down to the strip club and like auditions.

And there's one of these women who. These are real women they're talking to. Yes. What's the show called, Kumail? Fake Sex? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they're real. They're real.

There's this woman where she's like, well, I'm just trying to pay my bills and I got fired from my office job and then in her audition, she's automatically upside down spitting around the pole. I'm like, this was probably a ringer. This was a setup, yeah. This was probably a ringer.

Yeah. And isn't that the ultimate fantasy that every stripper tells their clientele anyway? It's like, oh, I've just, I've got to pay the bills.

Things are tough. Right, yeah, yeah. I'll do anything to get money. Sure. And then the guys are like, fuck yeah, you will.

Like, that's what every... I don't think that's part... I think, for me, the fantasy's better if they want to be there as opposed to economic hardship put them there.

No, but I also feel like isn't there the thing of like I'm putting myself through school like, oh, she's not really like this. No. When she's like this. They're not. Well, I think that is part of it. Yeah. She's not really like this except with you. Yeah.

That's like a big appeal of I imagine strip clubs. Yeah. I think maybe a more appealing attitude would be, hey, I'm naked. I think that's really all you have to do. That's really all you have to do. That is true. Everything else is gilding the dilly. I'm not too concerned with backstory in that situation.

You think you're not, but that's the reason that I think when strippers are wearing glasses at the beginning, guys lose their minds. It's like, oh, she's not a typical girl. She's not a stripper typically and tonight's different. I'm scared of it. Yeah. She decided to go crazy

tonight. So what was she, she was spinning upside down. What was her white collar job? Oh gosh. They were real vague about it. Just said, I worked at a big bank

or, you know, I think they said, literally said, I worked at a big bank. I think they literally said I worked at a big bank. She was blowjob associate. She was senior blowjob associate. I worked my way up to senior. At ABN Amro.

And then the economy got tough and the first thing to go was always the blowjobs. Always the blowjob department. They keep accounting. Yeah, the old adage is true. Last hired and one who gives the blowjobs first fired. One whose entire job is just blowjobs. Guys, this is a little decadent. Guys, this is a bit 80s.

Let's keep the company car. Let's keep the catered lunches. However, we can get blowjobs elsewhere. You guys can pay for your own blowjobs. Although I can't imagine somebody who would get rid of blowjobs before catered lunches. I think I would bring in a PB&J home from work. You're so dedicated. If that meant that I would get a blowjob every day.

You'll brown bag it for a BJ. I'll brown bag it for a BJ. Those are the t-shirts for the campaign that they came up with. Yeah, I bet there was a contingent that was like, no, keep the blowjobs. I'll brown bag it. We'll brown bag it for a piece. I'll bring in a lean cuisine. Please, let me have my midday blowjobs.

If she mouth bags it, I'll brown bag it. Boom. Keep the mouth bags. Right, bring in the brown bags. I explicitly wrote my name on that mouth bag. And someone else took it out of the fridge. Hey, that was fun. Leftovers.

I can't think of one for blowjobs that goes with that. This is like Dilbert after dark. Also, can I say I've never once wanted to hate fuck a male boss because they already have all the power. Yeah. Hey, we're having fun. Why would you say this? Gender issues. Bringing it down.

Sorry. We may continue with our strippers now. Oh, good. Yes. So that was one segment. And then what were the other segments? Did they still have the interview? Yeah, the completely shameless people who were like,

I take it in the butt. But they don't look like porn people. They're couples. They're couples on the street. Did you say kerbals? It's really funny when I was watching this. They're kerbals. And it's going around and kind of the connective tissue, if you will, in a real sex episode is going around and interviewing real couples on the streets of New York.

Take one. About, you know, sex issues. That's right. And it kind of is thematically linked to the next segment. I'm positive if I go back in enough of these, I will see Kumail and Emily when they lived in New York doing a real sex testimonial. Honey!

Get over it. This will be fun. He just bought some porn from a midget in a bar. We're going to go home and watch it and fuck. That's actually not so far. She was just a very short Asian lady. She wasn't a midget maybe, but we did buy porn from a woman. And I, at that point, this is like, this is maybe the LA equivalent is the woman who goes around selling tamales in a bar.

That's a good point. There's a porn version of this. There's a short Asian lady, old lady. Cigarettes and porn. Because when you're drunk at 3 a.m. in a bar? That's a good point. There's a porn version of this? There's a short Asian lady, old lady. Cigarettes and porn. Because when you're drunk at 3 a.m. in a bar, what you want. Cigarettes, porn. And then I wasn't 100% sure what the word sodomy meant at this point in time. He was not raised with the Bible, so it makes sense.

So I've been sodomized three. I think it was four. I've been sodomized four. Whichever one had the doctor theme. Okay. Which I don't think is all of them. And then I was like, this is what you bought? This is, oh, really?

There would be weird ways where you'd be like, hey, honey, look what I got. He was like, I thought it meant S&M. I was like, that is not what it means. I wouldn't have gotten. I just want just standard. Just standard, yeah. Men, women. But I will say no one's ever interviewed us about that purchase, especially not on the way home from that purchase.

No, no, no. It's okay. So we've got business lady strippers. Yeah. We had this. Were they attractive? I mean, well, they were just strippers in a strip club. So, yeah, they were as attractive

as your kind of standard strip club stripper but they had this background of having jobs at big banks or whatever maybe but probably not or small banks or whatever just not the size of the bank that counts it's how you use it

a sperm bank and so then there was this kind of sex positive lady who ran an art gallery. Can I say something? Nobody is fucking lamer than sex. Nothing turns me off more than that. Nobody is more square than sex. They seem

like the most uptight people in the world. Sex positive ladies? Right. Did she seem very uptight? Well, okay, so she's, so her thing is she runs an art gallery and in the side makes sex positive porn. Pussy juice paintings? Yeah. No?

I hate that word. I've said it so many times already. You've said pussy many times today, yeah. These were boring collages. Okay. These were bad collages. Yeah, with the word... Or they get called...

With the word body image and then like skulls. Oh, okay, yeah. No, that means something. You don't understand. I just probably didn't get it. Yeah. I just probably... I'm dense.

I'm not an artsy type. Yeah. I'm a real Joe lunchbox. Body image, you know, skulls painting. Those are good ones. Those are good,. Those are good. Yeah, body collages, bad collages, because they'll also be called collages. Right.

Right. All collages. Oh, damn. You're really taking us in today. Man, take it to the collage lobby. You're going to have a lot. Sex positive collages? I'm going to have a lot of people not completely in touch with their feelings.

You're going to have a lot of female freshmen in various colleges mad at you. A lot of people who spend a lot of time on their vision boards. Coming at me. It's just a grown-up collage. Always with the vision boards, you guys. Come on. I would say that she was square except for she was doing the most sexually explicit stuff in this episode. She was having some really rough lesbian sex.

What's her name? Do you know? Oh, I forget. Where was the gallery? I think it's in the Bay Area. We actually know a woman who runs Madison Young, that porn star.

She runs an art gallery in San Francisco and she's also a porn star. I have a... What was it? Strawberry Blonde? Yes! Oh!

I insulted your friend. No, no, no. No, no. We did a podcast with her she was very nice but she also the way that she had like a script like that's the thing is that a lot of these girls will get into

they have like a they have an agenda and a script and they want to talk about body positivity and sex positivity and rope play and they want to give lectures on different kinds of ropes to tie her lover up with. I'm not saying any of that's bad, but it allows for this certain robotic quality to your sexuality where you can't have fun anymore because it's become too political even to you. Do you know what I'm saying? Sure.

Yeah. She kind of had a little bit of that going on. But she was cool. She was very nice. She also offered to pay us for us to star in a porn and we were like, we're working on a different kind of life. I don't know if you bounce back from that. That may be just something that. I don't know if you bounce back.

That may be something that happens. You guys have a fan base. I mean, people listen to podcasts. We're not saying there isn't an appetite for it, Jordan. That's not the concern. Gotcha. What I'm saying is that that might be just the thing that all people like her offer to net couples. You know what I'm saying?

Like a cute thing. Sure. I'm not saying we were special. We should get brunch tomorrow, but you mean we're never going to get brunch tomorrow. It's like that level. It's like a, sure. I bet if we emailed her and said we wanted to do it, she would be okay with that. Well, then let's do it, Kumail.

We don't have anything going these next couple months. I think the sad part would be, I think, maybe a lot like your web show, the most popular thing in the porn would be when Bagel walked through the back. That would be when Spot the Pussy, I'm done. I will never do that again.

You guys do a web version of your podcast. We do, yeah. Very popular when Bagel comes in. It is very popular. People love Bagel. She came in a lot at the beginning, and now she just kind of stays away from the whole affair. Yeah, she's into it. She's like Terrence Malick.

She's like, yeah. That's what we call her at home, yeah. Wait, so it's this lady. Okay, so it was her, this friend of yours whose art I insulted. I am very sorry. No, no, no. She's not our friend. She's friend of yours, who's art I insulted. I am very sorry. No, no, no. She's not our friend. She's not our friend, yeah.

She seems great. She seems very nice. And then there was a crafty, make-your-owns. Oh, and she just barely mentioned the economy in the last part of her interview. She's like, well, the economy's bad. And then more shots of her having rough lesbian sex. Which she seemed to enjoy. No, she does. She's into shots of her having rough lesbian sex. What does rough lesbian sex... Which she seemed to enjoy.

No, she does. She's into it. What is rough lesbian sex? Like, what was going on? There was, like, some face slapping and some kind of light choking. That's hot. Yeah. Okay.

I'm not adverse. It was great. I was into it. I thought it was great. She's very... She knows what she's doing in her videos. She knows absolutely what she's doing. Wait, you've seen her videos?

I have. Really? Well, once you meet somebody, you've got to go back and see their body of work. That's doing in her videos. Wait, you've seen her videos? I have. Really? Well, once you meet somebody, you've got to go back and see their body of work. That's the body of work. Right? For me, it's the opposite. When I meet somebody, I don't want to. Now they've become a person.

They're not just some thing that I'm watching. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, I wanted her to become a thing. I wanted to objectify her post. If I ever meet porn stars, I don't have never watched their things. Afterwards or before? Afterwards.

Yeah, I know. Before, how would I know? That's true. But afterwards. I will meet this person someday. Yeah. To become like a person. And I don't want to have, I don't want to watch people having sex.

See, this is how you and I approach it differently then. Yeah. It's called men are from Mars. Women are wrong. Gender differences, yes. I think it's more like think like a woman, act like a man. then. Yeah. It's called men are from Mars, women are wrong. Gender differences, yes. I think it's more like think like a woman, act like a man.

Yeah. That's what I try to do every day. Yeah, you're from the Steve Harvey school of thought. I try to be, yeah. So she barely mentions

the economy. So yeah, and then they do like a, then they go to like a crafty make your own sex toy workshop where people are like, you people are like cutting up bike tires and attaching them to spatulas to make flogs. Floggers?

Oh. Floggins. Can I say something? Kenny Floggins. Kenny Floggins. There's a couple of things. Wait, I need to laugh at Kenny Fluggins for four more seconds. You can do more of that.

It's pretty good. Okay, sorry. There's a couple of things that I'm going to want firsthand and not recycled or secondhand. Right. And I will say that sex toys is probably up there. Me too. My first thing was this seems unsanitary. No, that's bad.

I wouldn't want any part of my sex toy to have been part of a bike at any point. Right. Bikes are dirty. Bikes are dirty. I watched a girl at a lesbian drag show strap her bike seat

onto her body like it was a strap-on cock and then fuck her bicycle on stage. Oh. It was great. It was hot. You also got a message about green transportation. Oh. It was great. It was hot. You also got a message about green transportation in there.

She was like. She's full of agendas. The piece was called I Love My Bike. Yeah. Are you surprised that a lesbian burlesque performer has a lot of agendas? I know. I'm shocked. Oh, wait.

You have something you feel strongly about? Also, this was in North Carolina so you had to really shout it out yeah she's doing the work of ten women yeah she really was

yeah so she was doing it second hand but I would not have done that I would not have fucked my kind of the cute

the cute slash most ridiculous thing about this one was they kind of sewed a pair of panties and it kind of had the aesthetic of something you would buy on Ets this one was they kind of sewed a pair of panties, and it kind of had the aesthetic of something you would buy on Etsy. It was super kind of cute and homemade looking, and it had a little pouch in the front,

and I guess the idea was you would put a cell phone in there, and then your partner would call it on vibrate, and it would vibrate you. You know, also instead you could fuck. Right. Or get a vibrator. Which seems a lot. Also, those rings don't last long enough for you. There's so many problems with that.

There are a lot of problems here. Weird. But hey, good place to store yourself, though. The whole thing was adorable and it went along with the theme of the economy. You can set it so your voicemail doesn't come in for as many rings as you want. That's true. Whatever your orgasm number of rings is. Yeah, you'd have to figure that out first. That's

the very basics. But then I would think just a good place to put your cell phone because I frequently wear clothes with no pockets and then if I need my phone. Oh, sure. Just put it in the vagina. When it rings and you're at dinner and everyone sees you reach down the front of your pants. No big deal, guys. Just like a real classy lady.

I'm a pretty classy lady. You're at a big time business meeting. Pardon me, sirs. I think that's GE calling. So. Sell, sell. Back in your vagina. So real sex, still a delight. Newsroom, still haven't seen it.

You're like, there's so many shows you need to watch and all you can do is watch. Is it the entire back of your mind? The Wire, still haven't seen it. No idea. You know what? This is probably the biggest. All three of us have never seen The Wire. This is probably the biggest group of people you could get among our friends who have not seen The Wire.

No one to yell. Here, let me yell at us for us. What? Why haven't you seen The Wire? You haven't seen The Wire? It's the best show. I mean, literally. Really? It's so real. It's actually like actually the best show I mean I know everybody's

probably telling you this but still it's like the best show you know what's hilarious? the number of emails you're gonna get from those this is gonna be

worst of the time I confused Elijah Dushku and Charisma Carpenter don't ever do that again I know never never never so yeah

so I have TV now and I have broken away from real sex for a little bit to watch some of the Olympics, which you guys have also been doing. Yeah. I've been watching it. By the way, really giving a shit about volleyball and whatever is on, they do such a great job of making you give a shit. Yeah, definitely. About volleyball? About whatever sport it is. Whatever it is.

Definitely. They really, I think they really, at least the ones I've seen, they really highlight those internal rivalries. Yeah. And I think that is just such a part of how, such a great way to bring a casual person into a sport. A lot of backstories. These guys hate each other.

Yeah. Well, that's why I was saying, I think it was last time I was on the podcast, maybe I said that the international rivalries are better because when like India, Pakistan play cricket, like they have nukes pointed at each other. And that's what the Olympics is. It's also, I saw what there was one nation, I think it was called Nauru. Oh, yeah. 9,200 people. How many did they have? How many athletes did they send?

They sent one athlete. He's a weightlifter. Just walking alone. By himself in the parade of countries. Yeah, on his face you could see, like, I have the world on my shoulders. Luckily, I am a weightlifter, so I can handle it. But they said that that... Grandpa.

Come on, grandpa. They said Kenny Floggins. Four more seconds. Four more seconds. Four more seconds. But they said that their whole thing is weightlifting. In every Olympics, they send one athlete. So it's like the Karate Kid Town, where they're all into karate. Everybody really cares.

Oh, yeah, huh. So they have 9,200 people to send one. It would be like if Silver Lake was like, we should send somebody to the Olympics. One person who can wear hats really well. Yeah. We have a great hat. We could really compete hat-wise. Is rehearsed apathy a sport?

Yeah. It is now, baby. If Silver Lake's competing, it is. Adding a feather to an article of clothing? We're good at it. We are very competing in it. Adding a feather to an article of clothing. We're good at it. We are very good at it. I got a little sort of. We lose to Oakland every year.

Every year. It's that rivalry. Did you watch the opening ceremony, Jordan? I did watch the opening ceremony. Yeah, we did. I got kind of choked up a few times. Yeah. Yeah, I thought, I mean, it was crazy.

Everything you hear about it being crazy is absolutely true. But so effective. It really was. Like it wasn't, it didn't, like it seemed like the craziness had a purpose. Yeah. You know, it wasn't just let's trip everybody out. But yeah, yes, I recognize that it was crazy and some of it was hard to take seriously, but it did have-

Oh, what, you mean like David Beckham driving a ski boat? Yes, David- Is that the thing you're talking about? Okay, here was my fantasy when that happened. One of the things, David Beckham is transporting the Olympic torch on a speedboat. Which is like a bright blue and lights coming out of it. It's a completely illuminated blue speedboat. And there's a young woman, hair streaming in the wind, holding the torch.

Yeah, she's an archer or something. I think she's an archer. And then him just handsome as shit. Right. He's driving. In a tuxedo. I don't know if we've mentioned that tuxedo. Did you have to?

Yeah. Isn't David Beckham always in a tuxedo these days? I think he is, yeah. He can play soccer like that. Yeah. So he's in, what I wanted to happen in that was for a speedboat with Jason Statham in it to pull up alongside and for Statham to leap out and to just start fighting Beckham. Yeah, why wasn't Jason Statham involved in this ceremony? I don't know.

So many British celebrities. And yeah. Kenneth Branagh gets in there and Statham doesn't. Yeah, Paul McCartney. What's he done? Right? What's Paul McCartney ever done? When was the last Paul McCartney thing? I he done? What's Paul McCartney ever done? When was the last Paul McCartney thing?

I don't know, a million years ago? Jason Statham makes five movies a year. And they're all fun to watch. They're all great. Dungeon Siege. Jason Statham. Transporter. Jason Statham.

Crank 2. Jason Statham. Crank whatever number. Expendables. Jason Statham. Oh, wait. Oh, you know, there is there is Wow. Take it back a notch.

I had a joke. Here's the joke. Oh, remember Death Race? That was Paul McCarthy. I have fucked up this joke so bad. I love it. No. It was Jason Statham. Jason Statham. Why couldn't I remember a Jason Statham movie to do that? Anyway, and then I said Paul McCarthy.

But you see all the countries coming in, and then when the fucking Americans come in, and it's like LeBron James and Kobe Bryant walking around like a bunch of fucking dickheads. What dork? Like every day. Every day is like this for us. Yeah, there's celebrities all the time. The outfits that Ralph Lauren designed were, I thought they were so... They were like the bad guys in an 80s movie set in high school.

Like, that's what we look like. That is the most female reaction to the Olympics I've ever heard. The outfits. No, but they made us big deal. Like, oh, designer Ralph Lauren actually designed everybody's outfits for all the athletes. Oh, they managed to get Ralph Lauren to make the official? But apparently he had to apologize because he had them all made in China. He was like, oh, I'm sorry.

I won't do that again. Oh, really? Yeah. Which is pretty funny. But yeah, that is what I noticed. Maybe some fucking Chinese dissidents put some tiny bombs in them. Tiny, tiny. Or no.

I'll tell you what the tiny bomb was. The fucking outfit. Those outfits, they were hideous. They were not attractive. What I've heard is that the Olympic Village, you told me every athlete gets 15 condoms. Every athlete is rationed or issued 15 condoms when they get there.

We brought this up. We have actually kind of have an honorary Max Fun Olympian competing. That's right. People listening know that it is Donna the Canadian pentathlete. Max Fun Olympian competing. That's right. People listening know that it is Donna, the Canadian pentathlete. And we carefully broached

the subject of Olympic Village Fuckfest. And she was very careful to say that she didn't know because her boyfriend was coming with her and he's great. He's coming to the

Olympic Village? Yeah. You know what? Honey, if I ever go to the Olympics, you should come with me because I want to share. Were you about to ask for an Olympic hall pass? It's called. I don't need a hall pass. It's called being in the Olympics.

You're telling me that if you got into the Olympics. So you'd be fine if I got in the Olympics and I just go fuck fest? Yeah. Go fuck fest. Go full fuck fest? Go full fuck fest. Neither one of us are getting in the Olympics. No just go fuck fest? Yeah, go fuck fest. Go full fuck fest? Go full fuck fest. Neither one of us are getting in the Olympics.

No. I don't know, Camille. I hear next year they're thinking of putting NBA 2K in the Olympics. Emily? Yes, my love?

Olympic Hall of Fest? Fuck fest? If you get in for any sport other than NBA 2K, yes. Okay. Yeah, we get it.

I like to think I bet Kobe and LeBron are fucking cleaning up in there right now. Oh, yeah. They're cleaning up more than anything. And then there's going to be

some Belarusian gymnast who in two weeks is like, can you stop texting me? No, she's going to be pregnant. Oh. Yeah. Because they have potent... They have potent sperm

and they make you sign agreements. So that baby will be taken care of. I'm not even worried about it. They do make you sign agreements. Oh, so... But the Olympic Village Fuckfest is, I think it is a real thing. It's a real thing, yeah. I think it is too. Yeah, I've seen a few articles.

I even saw a little blurb from an Olympian. I think it was an American volleyball player, which, oh my God, those American volleyball girls are hot. Jesus. I usually don't like, I usually, my type is not a, like a tall, muscular woman. Oh my God, these tall, muscular women. Jesus. Anyways.

Yeah. So I saw some quote from her that she said she had seen numerous instances of public sex from the Olympians. What is it about the Olympic Village that is such a fuck fest? Why is it? It's all the hottest people in the world. The most in shape. Not hottest.

They're the most in shape. Some of them are. Some of them are very attractive. But that's like one big part of being hot that's already taken care of. Sure, you've got that taken care of. So just numbers. I mean, there is no like really super overweight people in the Olympics Village. You've got to just tread so carefully because basically what you're saying is like,

there's no fatties, so it's party time. Yeah. Once you kick the fatties to the curb. Brian, could you get rid of most of this? My implied fatties comment. So what do you, but no, I think you have a point. And I think they're like, you know, very on edge. It's like a very nerve-wracking thing.

A lot of stress. Yeah, a lot of stress. You know what? Here's what I think is maybe more the case rather than the physical beauty of everyone around. You don't like my no fatties theory? I mean – Holds no water. I'm still laughing at it.

I'm sorry. As someone who has been pro-fatty, who has come out as pro-fatty. I'm pro-fatty. Sure. I've had sex with many fatties. Sure. Should I stop talking? Yeah, you should probably.

Here's what I think it is. I think, okay. So, in high school, where did the high school fuckfest take place? I will argue that the high school fuckfest is primarily on like a band trip or a choir trip. Theater class, yeah. Theater trip. Can I tell you something? Yes.

Trips are the absolute number one place that nookie happens in high school for sure. You're in a hotel. Right, absolutely. There's no rules anymore. Sure, the chaperone goes to bed, you sneak out. You've There's no rules anymore. Sure. The chaperone goes to bed. You sneak out. You've been deemed appropriate enough to be out with your chaperone, so you're kind of responsible.

You get 15 free condoms whenever you go. Right. Before your orchestra plays on the carnation stage at Disney World. Yeah. You're in this little isolated place. So here's what I think. Because I think that most of these people are kind of like homeschooled kids in a lot of ways. They don't have much – I would imagine they don't have much of a social life.

This is their whole life. Right. That it is sort of all-encompassing and it's all-consuming and you don't get a chance to do a lot of regular dating and maybe when you do it's hard because the people don't get you right exactly because you're so devoted to the thing and i think that's why the band geeks when they get together in that hotel room are just fucking each other because you know you're away from that training for a little while you're away from that rigorous schedule and you are with the people who get you so that makes sense i think it's maybe more to do with like camaraderie and this kind of being a novelty it is yeah do you remember like going on school trips and being in the hotel rooms and being able

to call each other on your hotel like by just oh yeah that's a whole thing it blew my we were like we're just gonna call everybody we called literally called literally everyone. It was the best. Yeah. And a lot of couples I saw, they were saying a lot of couples met each other. Was it Beijing was the last? Right. Met each other in Beijing Olympics and are still like now married Olympians. Oh, that's cute.

Yeah. I enjoy married Olympian. Pretty cute. Yeah. That's a pretty cute idea. There was one place that sent two and I believe the two they sent were married to each other. Oh, that's very cute. There was also a real bummer is that we were watching one, and I forgot what country it was,

but it was this lady holding a flag, and they were like, well, she's undergone gender testing. That's a thing they've done a couple times, yeah. What happens sometimes is there's female athletes who weigh in, and then they're like, you don't look completely female. And also you're so much better than the other women that they – and that's very sexist also that they're like, you're so good. You must be a man. But it's not just that. It's not just that. If you saw this lady, you'd be like –

She's very androgynous. See where they're coming from. She looks a bit androgynous. But that's a real bummer where you're like, I don't think you're a girl and we're going to test her. Can they just call that something else? Do they have to call it? Can they just call it? They probably just tell her that she's getting a physical.

They have to give her like a. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like there's some code you can call that. Have some dignity. Yeah. Secret of the booze. Secret of the booze.

Secret of the ooze. No of the booze. Secret of the ooze. No? No. No. All right. No. Well, in conclusion. I have one more thing to add just real quick about it.

Is that I think we should put a moratorium on Michael Phelps getting high jokes. First of all. Have people been making them? Oh yeah, people are still making them on Twitter. I feel like I hear them too. That sucks. First of all, pot jokes are kind of heck to begin with.

Sure, sure. And he won how many, what, like 18 gold medals? I don't know what the number is. But a lot. And then he was at a party. He's like, you know what? I have like a lot of Olympic gold medals. Probably more than anybody else at this party.

Yeah. Probably more. He smoked pot. Have fun. Once. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like he was hot. have like a lot of Olympic gold medals probably more than anybody else at this party yeah probably more he smoked pot have fun once yeah yeah it's not like he was

hot and that's the people that were like saw the size because they have to eat these huge breakfast huge meals 10,000 calories and they were like

oh sounds like the munchies like no we're done here that's his fucking training you dick we're done here I agree

I'll agree with you no more Michael Phelps hot jokes. So in conclusion, pot is great. Jason Statham should have been in the opening ceremonies. Fuck yeah. Take him out. No fatties. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan.

Wait, no. As you go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I like it. Guys, I actually found kind of a little deposit of Electric Train 2, The Secret of the Booze. Shit, yeah. So I got to have a little refresher that I wasn't expecting. That was a lot of fun. Very refreshing. Some days just smile at you, you know? Yeah.

Today's one of those days. A day without a fatty, am I right? What? Okay, I don't know how things got spun that I did not. Come out, don't dig the hole any deeper. Yes. We're just going to let it go. Everybody knows who you are.

Yeah. You don't like fatty. Hey, occasionally on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we will listen to phone calls from our listeners. And now is one of those times. Brian, would you play the first call, please? Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Go. And hi, guest. This is in response to Jordan Request's

Good Ideas for Songs for a Non-Singer to Do at Karaoke. One really easy win is the B-52s because you just have to shout, and the more enthusiastic you are, the more people will like it and everyone loves Rock Lobster. Another easy suggestion, well, no, fuck it, B-52s.

Take that. Love the show. So our thing is to respond to his response? So yeah, let's talk about it. That's a really great point. This came up based on something that I talked about on your guys' podcast the last time I was on was I had that embarrassing audition for Book of Mormon. By the way, you say it was embarrassing. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as it is in your head.

You're probably right. But the way it exists in my head is mortifying. But you didn't get it. I don't think I got it. I mean, I don't know. How long do these guys take? Sometimes they wait several weeks. A couple months usually, yeah.

Give it a couple months, yeah. They just need to see everybody. Yeah, everybody. They're like, we know it's going to be this guy, but we need to... We're still looking at a couple people. There are some managers we have to glad hand to. Exactly.

I know how showbiz works. So yeah, so my thing was like, well, this was a bad experience, but do I use this to kind of get over my fear of singing? So I kind of put out a request for what is maybe kind of an easy, non-singer friendly karaoke song. B-52s. I like it. It's maybe a little jokier and a little more high energy than I'm comfortable with. You've got to be pretty camp to do B-52s.

My other issue with Rock Lobster, that song is like maybe seven minutes long. Right. Yeah. The worst part is when you're like minute four on the karaoke stage and you're like, oh shit. There comes a whale. Marine. They're like, no, what am I doing?

Why am I still up here? You got to get in, get out. Get in, get out. You can't stick around. What's the song they had for the Flintstones soundtrack for which they changed the name to the BC 52s? Do you remember that? I don't know.

I love that you remember that. I have no idea. Maybe Love Cave instead of Love Shack? I mean, I don't know. Love Cave. That's a love cave. Here comes a mammoth. Getting hot as a maramoth.

My garbage can's a pelican. My toilet is another pelican. Most of our things are pelican. They've got the big pouchy mouths. Here comes my postman. He's a pelican.

My baby delivered by a pelican. Wait, it's a stork. That one is a stork. Rock lobster would work, though. Yeah, rock lobster would be called rock rock. Bed rock lobster. Bed rock lobster. So, yeah, I appreciate the suggestion. I'm sure it would be called Rock Rock. Bed Rock Lobster. Yeah. Bed Rock Lobster. So yeah, I appreciate the suggestion.

I don't know if it's correct. You don't want jokey. I don't want to have to like be funny on top of, you know, I don't want to feel like I have to sell the comedy of something, too. Okay. You know, because that's a little more uncomfortable. I have one for you. White Wedding is good because you also

don't need a good voice. White Wedding is good. I think that is probably a good one. It's kind of a rock and roll jam. You can just scream and growl. I also recommend any Madonna songs, especially early Madonna because she couldn't sing that well either.

Okay. Last night I dreamt of some bagels. any Madonna songs, especially early Madonna, because she couldn't sing that well either. Okay. Oh. Last night I dreamt of some bagels. Yeah, we dreamt about some bagels. You guys personally, where do you stand on the karaoke issue? She's pro. She's got her songs. I will find it.

This is interesting. I actually was talking about this yesterday at our Summerfest because we were talking about doing a karaoke thing. This is an event you hold yearly at the Meltdown Comic Con. We do. Summerfest. We just throw a free party to celebrate summer. Free beer. Huge party.

And then we have a show. And then we have a show. And I was talking to a comedian and I forget. It was Steve Agee and he was like, oh, I would never do karaoke. And I find there's more comedians that are terrified of karaoke, whereas I could never do stand-up, but I can fucking break down on some karaoke if I need to. Yeah.

Why is that? You like it. Not why I like it. Why don't you like it? Why don't comedians like karaoke? Okay, for me, I know singing and dancing, it makes you feel very self-conscious. One, I know that I'm not good at it.

It's not one of those like, oh, we find it within yourself. I know I'm not good at either. Okay. And I know I never will be. And I know that's not the point. I know with karaoke, the point is just to be sort of enthusiastic. That will carry most of the way. The selection will carry you a lot of the way.

I don't know. I also feel like I have no desire to do it. Because you do do stand-up. I do do stand-up. So I do get on stage and have people look at me. That's part of the thing is you have to have a stage presence to do good karaoke. Otherwise, it's just like I'm just watching someone read words on the printer.

Yeah, you're really good at karaoke. If I could do karaoke, I would love to do Kiss from a Rose. I think that would be... You would be so good at that. From the Batman Forever soundtrack. Yeah, it's a great song. He sings like an angel. But I still...

The first line, I... There used to be a great tyrant alone on the scene. That's what I thought the words were. And now when I'm thinking, I can't remember what the actual words are. I literally thought the words were,

there used to be a great tyrant alone on the scene. So you were singing about Pol Pot. There was just sort of an oligarchy and there was some jostling between leaders of different... He's the only one on the scene. How many parents can he have on a scene, you know? What are the real first words? Nobody knows.

Oh God, I don't know. Oh, so much of you, baby, it seems. I think we all know it seems. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain. Baby. He sings something about his weird face after that. Love, I got my face. Do I have something on my face?

Did you know I had a disease when I was a kid and I'm still very handsome? Yeah, most women would still fuck me every day. Baby, baby! Anyway, Camille. Why do you think you don't want to do... Why do you think that that's something you need to conquer? Why do you think you don't do it? God, I mean, I think it's just not...

It's just realizing that I'm bad. It's like I've done stand-up comedy and I've bombed before and it just seems like I'm just going into a situation where I'm going to bomb. But that doesn't stop you from doing stand-up comedy, right? Because I know I have the potential to be good at stand-up comedy. Right. Like I – my potential for bombing and potential for doing well is equal. I know I'm going to bomb at karaoke. Yeah, you're never going to be like a Paul McCarthy.

Right. I'm no Paul McCarthy. I'm no Jason Statham. But you guys, it's so sad because you guys have the number one thing, which is just being able to own being on a stage. That's the part that people have a hard time with is people looking at them. That you've already got stage. That's the part that people have a hard time with is people looking at them. That you've already got down. That's hard. The rest of it is just bullshit mumbling into a microphone and posturing.

That's all it is. I also I don't love it when people have like their songs that they do like just do new songs. You know, that's true. I agree with that. It's best when you're not trying that you want to kill at karaoke. And if you're just doing the same song, then it's very obvious that you're clearly – You have like a – this is your set. You're doing a set.

You're type five. Yeah, he's doing his A material. I just try to pick songs that I know are good. Like everybody enjoys these songs. Like which ones do you do? Well, Wilson Phillips' Hold On is always a good one. Toadie's – that Possum Kingdom song, Be My Angel, that song.

It is. It gets people going and it's nuts. It just gets people going. It just gets people going. I try to do Kiss by Prince every once in a while, but I don't really do that anymore so much. Kiss, that one? These are all just songs that everybody knows the words to.

Even if you don't think you do, once they start playing, you're like, oh yeah. And people are excited whenever these songs come on. I'm just the vessel for these songs. Do you understand? Sure, yeah. And may I say, I'm not like a karaoke person. No.

I just happen to enjoy it if it's happening. But we've never gone to like a, you know, I feel like doing some karaoke tonight. I need some attention. I want to get on stage. It's not like that. It's just if it happens to be around, I tend to enjoy it. It's a fun time. Brian, can we hear the next call, please? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Sarah, and I live in the suburbs of Chicago,

and I'm calling in response to suggestions for songs that Jordan could sing a karaoke. for songs that Jordan could sing at karaoke. And my suggestion is Love You Madly by Cake. And the reason is that, well, like a lot of Cake songs, there's not a really complicated melody. So I feel like it would be pretty easy to master. But in Love You Madly, there is a little bit of a melody that would not make it sound like you're just talk singing. It would be a little bit more than that, but still

a pretty easy melody. So I hope you like that suggestion. Thank you. Bye. That's good. I like that better than Rock Lobster. Yeah. I definitely like that better. I don't know that I know this cake song. My biggest problem with the suggestion is that it's cake. Oh. You are not a cake fan.

You're taking some stands today, Kamau. No cake? Is that like a real... I need your arms around me. I need your... I do like... If there's a karaoke place where I could just do the trumpet part

of cake songs... That was great. You were really good. What's the one that has like the nails of justice and her... That song where she's like, her skirt is like the fire of... I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. Can't you just picture that guy?

I don't think I've ever seen the lead singer of Cake, but I can picture him in my head. He's definitely wearing a fedora. He's kind of maybe chubby, and I would love to hang out with him. I would love to hang out with that guy. Wouldn't he be the coolest? He is chubby. Didn't you remember the first video he was driving a golf cart really slowly? That was their first video. I don't remember that video.

I don't think I've ever seen any of their videos. I just picture him in my head, and he's a dude that I would love to hang out with. What does this song go like that she just suggested? Oh, gosh. I want to love you madly. Let him do it because it's his song. Yeah. I don't think I can think of the words.

I can kind of hear it, sort of. I don't know that song at all. I just wanted to. I think it's a lesser cake hit. I want to love you madly. Yeah, that's about it. I think it's a pretty good suggestion. I think if I boned up a little bit, it's probably in my range.

And I think I would really nail the trumpet part. I think I would try and sing along with the trumpet part. The trumpet part would be good. That's where I would get people. Yeah. Brian, next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guests. This is Matt from New Hampshire.

Hey, so regarding Jordan's song, karaoke thing, Jordan, we're about the same age. And, okay, so you need to sing Nelly's Ride With Me. I don't know what it is, but that song has magical powers over girls our age. I don't know what it is. I don't know how it works. But it seems to work almost universally about five years one way or the other from our age. That's a big range. Come in and do the rappy bit in the middle.

Whatever would work. And that would be really fun. Thanks. Bye. If you want to cook, take a ride with me. Read up. I'm a busy wife. Must be the money.

People like to sing along. Oh, I bet I could get everybody to yell that. You could get everybody to sing. Emily, is this true? Does this have some sort of magical effect on the ooze area? I'll tell you the secret of the ooze. Is this the secret of the ooze? For me, personally, not so much.

It's not that I'm immune to charms like that. That song just doesn't, for whatever reason, doesn't get me. It'd be hilarious if you saw a picture of this guy and he's just a very handsome dude. He looks like Brad Pitt. People love this song. Also, Breakfast. If you eat breakfast in the day, you get laid. Crossing at the crosswalk.

Great way to get fucked. I think it's a great song and I think it probably would get the party going, but I don't... I think anything that has any kind of hip hip hop R&B swagger to it, I'm kind of uncomfortable with. I mean, I think that, you know, and I think I'm probably kind of embarking on some like reverse racism here where I'm like a white guy shouldn't do that. But I think me specifically, I don't think I have that. white guy shouldn't do that.

But I think me specifically, I don't think I have that. Well, maybe that's why this guy is getting laid is because he, it just, the song is just, just means he has the swagger to pull off the song. Yeah, maybe the swagger is the third barrier. It's not the song, it's that it pulls out his swagger.

It comes with a kind of confidence. Yeah. It kind of demands a sort of confidence. I will say that I think that you can put it off. Okay. Okay. But let me ask you this. If there's a hip-hop song and then there's a Weird Al version of that hip-hop song, which one are you more likely to do?

Well, I can guarantee you I know the Weird Al one better. As a kid, like, I knew Weird Al songs, the parodies, before I knew the actual song. Yeah, I was that with Mad Magazine. I knew Robocrap before I'd ever seen Robocop. You remember a lot of those titles. Yeah. Karaki Kid. That was Karate Kid. What are those? Oh, Croc. Like a croc of

shit. Teenage Moolah Nitwit Turtles. That's pretty good. Turtles is still turtles. Yeah. You can't, well, because they're turtles. Yeah. Tooters? T.O.? Maybe they fart? They toot? I don't know. Oh, Tooters. Yeah, you can't, well, because they're turtles, yeah. Tooters? T-O? Maybe they fart? They toot? I don't know.

Oh, tooters, yeah. If they thought of that, they would have. They were like, come on, guys, we need something for turtles. We got a running joke. Got nothing.

Right. Got nothing. Okay, well, I will take this all under advisement. Brian, do we have any more calls? We do. One last call. Let's play this.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. This is Bob from North Carolina calling with a momentous occasion. Rise up. I had a physical a few weeks ago and the doctor found a lump while he was checking for a hernia.

Went in to get an ultrasound to check that up and I just got off the phone. My doctor called me. This is not going where you think it's going. The doctor said, there's no need to worry. Just wanted to call you and let you know that the lump that we found, there is nothing wrong, but it is consistent with what looks like a third testicle.

I thought that was fairly momentous. Enjoy. Man, that guy has a lot of balls to call you and tell you that. Bob! Bob, you scared us! Bob, you did scare us. Wow, yeah, I thought that was going to be our first I'm dying call. Downtown.

Jeez. He has a third ball? Does that mean he ate his twin in the womb? And then except for the ball? Except for the second ball? Yeah, I mean, that's the most logical explanation. I mean, just because it's the placement, he probably thinks it's a ball. But what if it's like an eyeball of the second twin?

It could be any body part. What if you were an identical twin, conjoined twin, attached at the taint? That would be the worst. And then slowly you absorbed your second twin, and then just that eyeball's left? Just the eyeball's left. Yeah, where your third ball would be. Where your third ball would be is the eyeball of your twin. Of the twin that you killed.

Here's looking at you, taint. Here's looking at you, my own taint, constantly. Bob, you really scared me. I've never heard of a third ball. I wonder if it's functional. Yeah, does Bob make extra semen, I think, is what we're all wondering. Does he have a lot more pregnancy scares than other people? Like maybe birth control pills aren't enough.

You've got to go sponge and birth control pills. He's had his partners get constant abortions, so now he knows why. Geez, Bob, yeah, there you go. It's your potent three-ball sperm. The old three-ball special. We're very proud of Jeez, Bob. Yeah, there you go. It's your potent three-ball sperm. The old three-ball special. We're very proud of you, Bob. Yeah. I would get...

And this is probably not scientifically sound, but I would wonder if maybe that extra ball and that extra sperm causes more powerful ejaculations. More powerful ejaculations. That's a good question.

Yeah, say it again. More powerful ejaculations. You mean in terms of the force? The amount or the size. Could maybe Bob in danger of rocketing through his own condom? Putting an eye out. Yeah, putting an eye out. And not just that third ball eye.

Sure. We mean like another eye. Someone else's eye. Yeah, someone else. Or your own. Yeah. We mean like another eye. Someone else's eye. Yeah, someone else, or your own. Yeah. Yeah, maybe your own. Well, that's why when,

I suggest women out there, if you are going to be blowing Bob. A Bob in North Carolina. If you are in North Carolina and you start blowing a guy named Bob or Robert. Robert, yeah.

Robert, yeah. Rob, Robert, Bobby. He might change his name. Robbo, Rob Rob, or Robert. Robert, yeah. Robert, yeah. Rob, Robert, Bobby. He might change his name. Robbo, Rob Rob, or Robbie. Wear some protective goggles. Please. Just like something you would find in like a high school chemistry lab. I think, you know, you can probably get them at like a Home Depot or something.

That's what using protection is, right? You could make it out of a bike. Yeah. It's making sure for the man to wear a condom. If he's performing oral sex on a woman, use a dental dam. And if you are blowing a man named Bob in North Carolina, for God's sakes, wear some protective goggles. For God's sakes. Can we have Bob call back and either confirm or deny the size and force of his ejaculates?

Yeah, Bob. I don't know how these things are measured, but— Measure them. Yeah. Maybe get yourself a graduated cylinder for the come. Oh, but there's no baseline because he's always... Well, I think Bob's seen porn. So...

Yeah, okay. Does that seem normal to you? Because if that amount seems normal to you, then yes, the third ball does add. Theory confirmed. Or maybe does that make Bob more predisposed to getting a job as a porno fellow? There's not a lot of work in North Carolina.

Yeah, they don't do a lot of porn out there? I'm from North Carolina. The film industry is growing over there. It is. The film industry is growing. Tax breaks, right? Yeah, a lot of tax breaks. I've heard that the film industry is a grower, not a shower.

Adam and Eve is based out there. See? Yeah. Porn products are coming from North Carolina speaking of, can we talk about dental dams real quick? Emily, you said something about dental dams tell us what you said we were just casually discussing dental dams

I don't like how they always describe them as being the size of a slice of sandwich bread what do you mean you don't like? that's upsetting what have you heard of though? I've heard that a lot because I've done a lot of volunteer work at gay and lesbian teen centers. And so they constantly push safe sex on these teenage lesbians who are like, what are you talking about? And they're always like, you know, it's about the size of a piece of sandwich bread.

You just stick that on the cooch and lick it up. Which is not a standard size. But also does that mean if you don't have it, you could just actually use a slice of sandwich bread as a double down? They're too absorbent. It does not work. Yeah. You just sort of. You could use a tortilla.

Plus, I mean, if you put the wrong side down, you get mustard on her vagina. You could maybe use an end piece. Yeah. Oh, maybe use an end piece. Or a tortilla. I was thinking. Because they're not as absorbent. maybe use an end piece or a tortilla I was thinking I wasn't thinking it would be actually bread

that's actually been part of a sandwich I think tortilla's bad then because you've got like spicy like salsa and stuff on there

well no I mean come on guys let's have respect it's gonna be a non a non-used piece of bread or a piece of naan yeah

if you wanna you can get naan or roti. I worked at a gay and lesbian prom that they were like, it was in Chicago. They were like, we'll let gay and lesbian teens come and have the prom together. It'd be great. So my job was to take Polaroid photos of them, like their prom photos. Well, actually they had me take pictures of them and they had like a backdrop, but they only gave me a Polaroid camera.

And this was like, we had digital cameras, but they didn't give me one. So all these kids were like, can you do it closer? Can I get another one? I'm like, do you don't understand how Polaroids work? Right. I have to walk closer to you. There's no zooming. This is not like a digital.

This is just like the most basic. So I had kids complaining all night that I was doing a bad job. And then they all got gift bags. And in the gift bag. Those fussy gay and lesbian teens. And they were the fussiest. And they looked all adorable. And they got gift bags and in their gift bags everybody got a dental

dam. Everybody did. And just watching them pull that out and be like, what in the fuck is this thing? Everybody was like, I have no idea. What's the point of a dental dam? It's to keep any diseases going from vagina to mouth if you're going down on a girl. And mouth pregnancy.

I'll prevent mouth pregnancy. I mean, mouth pregnancy, I understand. But there's no real diseases that go from vagina to mouth. There are. Well. Really. There's one STD that we need to worry about. Everything else, you know what?

Can I tell you something? Everybody has everything else. Herpes is lifelong. You never get rid of herpes. Yeah. So are babies. That doesn't mean they're bad. I was looking for something.

I thought it would come up with something better than babies. Except for mouth babies, which have a very short lifespan. And when your herpes is 18, it goes to college. And then you don't have to worry about it anymore. Then you don't have to worry about it. Mouth babies don't have long lives. No. They're sickly.

They're very sickly. I heard Benjamin Button was a mouth baby. Is that why? That's probably what happened. He's the world's oldest mouth baby. Or youngest. Or youngest, depending on when you find him. We'll be right back on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. of bottles? How long your mouth baby will live. T-shirt sweat stains? Sure. Hass.metafilter.com A very cool website. Find answers to all of life's little questions. I think I fucked up the slogan. I think it's actually life's little questions

answered. Oh. What did you say? Find the answers. But I said it like it was a slogan. No, you totally had the cadence and everything. You went into slogan cadence. Yeah. Yeah, I did have a slogcade there. Real slogcade there. It's a great place to find answers to your questions. Ask.Metafilter.com.

We love them. Yeah, they don't need to ask how big a dental dam is because now they know. Sandwich bread size. Sure. But if you have any other dental dam related questions. Like how big is sandwich bread? Sure, how big is sandwich bread? Or, yeah.

It's about the size of a dental dam. Oh no. Meta filter. Don't be so meta. On the Jumbotron this week, Mindful.co M-I-N-D F-U-L-L dot C-O is a tiny handful of people working

out of a basement in Winnipeg, Canada. We develop our own website, produce our own podcast, and hand print our own shirts. Help us in our startup by buying a shirt, subscribing to the podcast, liking us on Facebook, or just telling a friend. You can also watch each shirt design go from initial concept to final printed product via photos and videos in the in-progress link of our site. The In Progress link of our site. Buy our shirts and listen to our podcast at mindful.co and submit your ideas to thoughts at mindful.co. Thank you so much to the fine folks at mindful.co.

So this is a podcast they do? It is. It seems like a t-shirt company that has a podcast. What's the podcast about? I don't know. Probably the act of running a t-shirt company, I would guess. I bet this stuff. It's kind of like that HBO-shirt company, I would guess. I bet this stuff. It's kind of like that HBO show. Which HBO show?

Oh, where they have to make the jeans? Is there an HBO show about making jeans? There was. How to Make it in America. Watch it on HBO. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was called How to Make an American. Sorry, guys.

I have so many episodes of Taxi Cap Confessions to catch up on. I am not doing two. You know who we saw on Taxi Cap Confessions? Todd Phillips. The director of Hangover, Hangover 2 and a ton of movies. He was just one of

the cab drivers. How about that? Yeah. Was he actually a cab driver or was he there as a I think he was there as part of the

I think they're all hired. Yeah. All the cab drivers are not just cab drivers. Otherwise it would be a terrible show.

It would be somebody being very racist and homophobic and swearing a lot. Truth. That's mindful.co. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. She will set you up very reasonable rates, commercial messages, personal messages, et cetera, et cetera. We'll be right back on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Camilla Lange, Annie Liu Kang. Emily Gordon, one woman, slumber party, limerita. Guys, it's been a gosh darn pleasure to talk with you. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, be in your house.

Yeah, right? Of course, you guys should download. And by you guys, I'm not talking to you even though I was gesturing at you. I'm talking about the listening audience. You should download Emily and Kumail's great podcast, The Indoor Kids. That is on iTunes and on Nerdist.com. Yeah, we talk video games plus other stuff that makes you an indoor kid. We started talking about

movies and stuff too, but still very video game centric. All the stuff that makes you an indoor kid. It's just hard because weeks go by where no new game really comes out. Yeah, but I think you guys are doing a good job of filling the time between big releases with kind of related

chat. It's about being a gamer. It's about being a nerd. It's about not being a nerd. It's about being puzzles. All the things that you do inside. Yeah. And I think you guys strike it, and here's why I love the Indoor Kids. I think you guys strike a great balance. I think there's kind of two

kinds of that sort of podcast. I think there's the video game podcast that is almost like it's being recited by a robot. There is just someone saying video game facts. Sure. But it's, you know, it could be anybody. And then there's the other side, which

is too casual. It's just someone going, I love Mario and Star Wars, right? We can all agree on that. Mario and Star Wars. Everyone's heard of those. And it's just someone going, I love Mario and Star Wars, right? Right? We can all agree on that. Mario and Star Wars. Everyone's heard of those. And it's just saying that stuff. I think you guys do a great job of being knowledgeable gamers and actually talking shop but also being real people who you grow to learn about if you listen to the show every week.

Thank you. That's very kind of you. Thank you. Yeah, we always, you know, we're big gamers. We play video games a lot. Every day. Yeah. I think you establish your bona fides pretty well.

Yeah. But we don't play every single, like some people will email us and be like, how have you not played this game? We're like, well, you know, we do play a lot of video games, but we can't get to everything. So we don't claim to be like one of those. Yeah. We don't. Well, we don't claim to be like one of those we don't claim to

be those people who are like we review every single game when it's an objective way. I think a lot of game podcasts are hosted by people who work for gaming sites and publications and therefore have played every single game to completion because it's their job but you are real people with

jobs. Yeah and we make no attempt at being objective it's all very subjective. with jobs. Yeah. And we make no attempt at being objective. It's all very subjective. Very subjective. Sure. I also would like to plug, if you live in Edinburgh. Scotland. Not Arizona.

What? No, you're thinking of Scottsdale. Scottsdale, Arizona. That is a real place. That's true. But we're not going to be there either. Edinburgh, Scotland. I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year.

My run starts August 14th, which is also the Independence Day of Pakistan. Oh, hey. August 14th through August 27th. So that's two weeks of shows. I'm at the Assembly Roxy at 8 p.m. every single day. August 14th to August 27th, Assembly Roxy, 8 p.m. And it's very cheap. It's 10 quids a show.

10 quids. We don't know how much that is, but it's probably a good amount. 10 quids a show. I think they say quid. Hey, more news for those of you across the pond. You can see Jesse and I in London at the Leicester Square Theatre. I think I mangled the pronunciation when I was on your guys' show last. The Leicester Square Theatre in London.

That's August 11th. There's a show at 3 o'clock and a show at 5.30. And we're having a big meet-up afterwards. So please come to one or both of those shows and definitely the meet-up. That's August 11th. Leicester Square Theatre at 3 o'clock and 5.30. And you can find out about tickets on MaximumFun.org

in the live section. For those of you who live in America, fuck you. Yeah. We're not doing shows there. I'm going to be autographing shampoo bottles in Dublin on August 20th.

Oh, okay. If anybody wants to come and find me, I'll be in a store. Just come 20th. Oh, okay. If anybody wants to come and find me, I'll be in a store. Just come find me. Oh, terrific. Come to the shampoo shop. Yeah.

The shampooery. Every Wednesday, I host a show with Jonah Ray at the Meltdown. Meltdown Comics on Sunset in LA. Jordan's done it

a bunch of times. It's a very fun show. Come on by. No, yeah. If you live in LA and have not been to the Meltdown show yet, what is your fucking problem? You're a dummy face. This is basically the best comedy show in town right now. We were just voted.

L.A. Weekly just voted us the best comedy show. L.A. Weekly named you the best comedy show in town. Yeah. Deservedly so. Emily, you are the producer of that show. I am. You are the host of that show. Very good.

Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard. Go to it if you're not a moron is what I would say. That's our slogan. Jesse takes very powerful positions in the plug section of the show. So I'm kind of trying to fill that void. I like it. But I agree with every single thing you've said so far. Me too.

Well, great. Guys, thank you so much for coming. It's been a delight hanging out. Thank you for having us. That was super fun. Make your own electric train 2, the secret of the booze at home. Magnet train. Oh, excuse me.

Magnetic train. Magnetic train 2, secret of the booze. I might like electric train better, though. Yeah. I don't know. I think let's stick with magnet train because it has that theme of disappointment. I've got to remember the name of the actual train. If I can remember the actual name of the train, that would be helpful, too.

I'll look it up. Make them at home. Send us some pics of you and your friends enjoying Magnet Train 2, Secret of the Boos. And we'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye.