Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 235: Tis the Season with Bucky Sinister

Episode Date: August 6, 2012

Bucky Sinister joins Jesse and Jordan for a discussion of San Francisco tourist attractions, Jesse's trip to Mexico, and the Rocket Scouts.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pretty, lovely, Jesse, go.

We outline the Rocket Scouts. I go to Mexico. We visit Portland through the medium of making fun of Portland and more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Of course, we're celebrating Salvador Day.

Oh, is that why all those Ferris wheels and things are blocking the street? Yes, that's correct. Gosh, I mean, speaking of celebration, I didn't know it was Salvador Day. Well, what is Salvador Day? Do you know? Speaking of celebration, I'm't know it was Salvador Day. Well, what is Salvador Day? Speaking of celebration, I'm cool from Cool and the Gang. I didn't know it was Salvador Day, but they do regularly shut down our entire neighborhood to install Ferris wheels. It's one of those like pirate boats that swings back and forth, I think. And, of course, some Banda music.

This is in celebration of Salvador Dali. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's in celebration of Sal Sanchez, my friend from elementary school. Oh, great. Yeah. He made a lot of absurdist art films, right? No, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, he got addicted to methamphetamine and drove across the bus with a male child molester.

Drove across the country in a bus with a male child molester as a teenager. And actually, I was wondering what he was up to. And I found out when I saw his picture on the back of a milk carton when I was like 15. Oh, dear. So maybe the swinging pirate ship will be replaced by a bus so people can reenact that famous ride. Exactly. Exactly. My elementary school friend, Sal Sanchez. I hope he's all better now.

Sure. I heard they sent him to one of those reform schools. Well, that's maybe a nice place to get reformed. Maybe. It's possible. Well, guys, I mean, I actually, it's funny you mentioned that because I actually saw that there's another holiday being, do we want to bring in our guest and maybe we can all start celebrating together? Let's bring in our guest. He's a stand-up comedian, a writer, a poet from San Francisco.

He's in town to, no big deal, do a big show and appear in a motion picture film. Mr. Bucky Sinister. How are you doing, Buck? Good. Hey, guys. It's good to have you on the show. motion picture film. Mr. Bucky Sinister. How are you doing, Buck? Good. Hey, guys. It's good to have you on the show. Can I say one thing about Bucky Sinister? You may.

Drove here in a smart car. Yes, I did. Hey, how was that? I feel smarter already. It's actually really comfortable. Okay. And you're a bigger guy, too. So, I mean, I would imagine that that endorsement coming from you means something.

Yeah, it does. I don't want to turn it into commercial for Smart unless we're getting sponsored. I think what Smart is looking for in terms of an endorsement is a guy named Bucky Sinister. Yeah, totally. Fits perfectly with their brand. I do feel like I should be in a Cannonball Run movie or something. I do feel like I should be in a Cannonball Run movie or something at the point where people pull the car and start having road rage and honking at me. And then I get out of the tiny car and I'm actually a big man.

I think that would be like riding around with Terry Bradshaw or something like that. You're saying that you're living life as a sight gag. Yeah, it is. It's very much a visual pun for me to get out of that car. Maybe your license plate can say tiny or little guy or something and then that'll add a little extra punch to it. Or not terrifying. It's like seeing

a lot of clowns come out of a regular sized car just to see one big guy come out of a small car. Have you thought about maybe wearing clown makeup? I should. I should. Wow.

That would be some shit, Jordan. Yeah, right? That Barnum & Bailey music in there going on with the – just like as a horn or something like that when I open the car, just, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. No, I was – Let's talk about celebrating. I was speaking of holidays. Bucket of confetti.

And I am so bad with holidays. Like I – you know, I'm bad with people's birthdays. I'm bad with. You missed mine. I did. Yeah, see. Bad with anniversaries, bad with Mother's Day, Father's Day, all that. So I always get excited when I see something that can remind me that there's kind of a big time of celebration coming up.

a big time of celebration coming up. And conveniently today on my way here, I drove by the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood. This is a, you know, this is kind of a sex positive, you know, erotic store. It's a venue for the purchase of dildonics. It wasn't an actual chest like left in a vacant lot somewhere. No, no. Full of Wii magazines and leg shows.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's some sort of party pack you can buy at the Pleasure Chest. That's how it got its start, Bucky. Right. It's come a long way since then. You know when you go into a Carl's Jr. and you see the founder with his, you know, push cart? Right. There's the old black and white photos of, this is like that.

Yeah, you just have a black and white photo of a chest full of French ticklers. So the pleasure chest started as a one porno mag left under a board. Right, and now it's a... In a vacant lot. Yeah, and now it's a West Hollywood institution. Wow. No, but I drove by a sign that reminded me that it is a very special time of year, so I just wanted to wish you guys

a happy anal August. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. And like, and it's, and you know what? Like, I have just some like goals for this anal August

because I know it's like, it's so easy to get caught up in like the barbecues. Sure. And you know, the gifts and the kind of- The religious rituals. Yeah.

It's just too commercial now. Right. I mean, that's what I was saying. Like, anal August has gotten so commercial. Like, let's just take a minute to, like, reflect. And, you know, we could buy expensive butt plugs and, you know, we can buy the newest dildo.

Right. But, like, I don't know. Maybe just look around your house. Right. Maybe look in your community garden. Yeah. And say, what can I shove up there? Right.

Let's get back to the roots of anal August. Sure. Sure. So, yeah. Sure. You want to go, you want to, something green, something anti-consumer. Right. Something that reflects.

At the very least compostable. Right. I think Trader Joe's has a nice lube basket. Right. They do. It's house brand, but it's actually very high quality. Yeah. During Anal August, instead of, you know, the little treats in the cups, they just have put out little bits of lube.

Little bits of lube. And you can kind of, you know, you can rub it and kind of get a sense of the sensation and the scent. You probably shouldn't jack off in the store by the sample cart. Right. I mean, you want to go in the frozen foods. Right. Yeah. Just makes the cleanup easy.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. You just want to blast all over some of those wontons. Oh, boy. So, yeah. Just, like, happy Analogist. And, like, I just want to know, like, maybe people can call in, like, tell us how you're celebrating.

And, like, I just want to know, like, maybe people can call in, like, tell us how you're celebrating. Well, I'm excited about this Anal August because every Anal August, my whole family gets together. And it's so great that you guys do that, you know? Like, I mean, it's like you're busy, you know, but, you know, you make the time. Right. Because it's important. Anal time is family time in my family. Sure. Yeah, I mean, it's beautiful.

My mom makes sweet potatoes. Oh, God. But, yeah, I mean, I just, like, I remember those anal Augusts as a kid where we didn't have a lot of money. Right. You know, like. Right. Maybe dad was between jobs. Right.

Sure. Sure. And yeah. You know, mom just kind of whipped up a pan of brownies and we got some KFC and- You just went to town. Just shoved it all up our butts. Well, that was the only time of the year you could see the Rankin and Bass cartoon as well. Right. Right.

Yeah. Anal Frosty the Snowman. It just came on once a year and if you didn't see it, you missed it. You had to wait a whole other year. Yeah.'t have it on tape no in it yeah yeah those analog specials were like i don't know we're a real touchstone of my childhood that old stop motion is so charming it is with that carrot just plowing into that asshole and that anus with the voice of burl hives. This show got real blue real fast, Jordan. Real blue real fast.

I mean, you know, what are you going to do? It's anal August, guys. Tis the season. Tis the season. What, around Christmas time are you going to say the show got too jolly too fast? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you say record album, I mean, maybe it's available for digital download, but it's also a vinyl record.

Long play. Yeah, you can find it digitally, but it is in a very limited edition vinyl. It's pink vinyl. Right. It's from Post Consumer Records. They're a new record label

in Austin, Texas. And they're doing a lot of kind of audiophile, you know, kind of just real kind of indie stuff. You know, kind of just real kind of indie stuff. You know what? Here's the thing. I, you know, probably my favorite comedy record, of course,

is Bring the Pain, Chris Rock. But until I heard it in Quadraphonic, I, you know. It's the little imperfections. Until I got that 180 gram edition, you know, and I the little imperfections. Until I got that 180-gram edition. You know, and I dropped that diamond tip. I have a real nice gas-floating turntable. Yeah, this is, I know, it is actually, like, a really great recording. And the guy who recorded it is...

What did you use? Are you talking about microphones? Oh, man. I mean, the guy had all kinds of really eclectic equipment. He was just like, you know, he had Frankenstein, his whole studio out of, you know, these are the best. This is the mixing board that they make, and they don't make this one anymore. This one is like, you know, these are these kinds of cables, and it's got every piece of his thing. He has kind of made his entire – he's got a house, and he kind of turned it into a studio and every little piece of it has –

Did you record your comedy album at some guy's house? Dude, it's a poetry record and it's a studio poetry record. And it's – yeah. When he told me, he's like, I want to record this. I was like, okay, I'll set up a reading. I'll get a recording. He's like, no, I want it to be a really good recording. So I want to do it here.

I'm like, okay, well, I'll call some my austin poetry friends and we'll set this thing up and uh uh you know well i'll have a reading there it's like no no i want to do it in the studio so you have complete control over all the audio and uh i was like okay you know it's just you gotta mix those horns yeah i know the horns are too brassy it's really, but then when I did listen to it, I'm like, you know what? I think a lot of my previous recordings sound like I was, you know, talking into a jar

or something like that compared to this thing. It does sound a lot better. Is that because you were talking into a jar, though? I mean, is that part of the problem? Yeah. You finally got that jar removed.

I didn't want to go there. That's when you were getting really into canning. You wanted to put up your poetry. Uh-huh. Save it for later. For the winter. Make some preserves as well.

Sure. I can understand that. Well, I'm glad you got this record album, pink vinyl to go with your smart car. Yeah, yeah. You're operating exclusively in aesthetic contradictions at this point. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll take the two things that people seem to not have anymore.

Records and poetry. And you have them together in one thing. You have your line of feather boas as well. Oh yeah, exactly. Yeah, cruelty-free boas. Found feathers. Did you just... They just have the birds

and then they just stress them out so that they shed their feathers. Yeah, I just follow around a bunch of ostriches and pick up their old feathers. Yeah, just put on a Lou Reed album really loud. Yeah, just because you want to get drunk in Mardi Gras doesn't mean you have to hurt an animal. Right. That's a really good point. And frankly, you'd be following ostriches anyway, you know? Yeah.

If there's an ostrich around, you're going to want to see where he's headed. These bows are free range, my friend. Absolutely. I have a buddy. Speaking of collectible vinyl, I have this buddy who's gotten really into record collecting in the past year. And he takes off work and will drive between six and ten hours to pop-up shops where they're doing limited pressings of singles and stuff like that. And he tries to get me to go with him, and I can't quite muster that enthusiasm. That's horrible. What a horrible idea. But yeah.

Yeah, I've seen this. I worked security at a lot of shows and things like that, and I got – I was asked to do security at this one hip-hop show. I think it was – it was one of the DJs. I can't really remember. It was like DJ Quick or somebody, DJ Q-Bert. DJ Quick. DJ Q-Bert. Was it –

Yeah, it was a lot of that. That would be Q-Bert. It was Q-Bert. It was like there was a record made that was only available if you went to that show. That was the only way you could get it. And a lot of people were going and getting their record and staying for about five minutes and leaving. And I was like, the hip-hop shows in the Bay Area are sometimes kind of rough to work security-wise. And this one was just – it was really super expensive to get in.

And people were there to pick up all this collectible merchandise. And mostly this record that you could only get there. Yeah, yeah. I think some people – like one guy got his and left right away because he said he was going to put it on eBay like immediately. Yeah. Yeah. My buddy who does this, he will give me these constant email updates as to how much all

of these records that he got are worth and I asked him if he, but he would never sell them, but just loves to keep an eye on eBay so he can tell me how much they're worth. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think as a security guy, too, I mean, you always have to be careful at those turntablism-based shows because there's no thuggier crowd than the crowd that's out to see the invisible scratch pickles. There could be a backpack fight. People start whipping each other with their jam sports.

That's the thing. It's like I have no real distinction between a lot of bands and music anymore. I'm just kind of like I'm 43 now. To you, it's cheap trick and other. Yeah, yeah. Even with the punk shows, which was my genre in the time, I'm still like kind of lost as to like, you know, what crowd comes here? Is this like, you know, is this, you know, like angry like skinheads from Sacramento? Or is this like, you know, like, you know, the positive two-tone skinheads, you know, from wherever they come from?

I don't know. But, you know, it's like there's like different scenes that show us. Milpitas. And factions and things like that. And it's like it's just always weird. Like we're in a club. Sometimes they tell you what genre it is and it's like, well, is that like thug hip hop or is it like backpack hip hop? You don't know.

I don't know. I always will be surprised. I feel like when I go to shows lately, you know, one out of every three times it'll just be filled with greasers. And I wonder why. Because it doesn't it's not like, it doesn't seem like it's rockabilly music. You're going to Sha Na Na shows. I am going to Sha Na Na shows.

And I get like mad and like, no, maybe this just doesn't mean the same thing that it meant when I was growing up. A lot of the old rockabilly crew is going back to Oi now. Oh, really? There's like this new, like, that's one of the reasons I bring up the skinhead thing is because now growing up. A lot of the old rockabilly crew is going back to OI now. Oh, really? There's like this new, like, that's one of the reasons I bring up the skinhead thing is because now there's like a lot of skinhead shows. And it's like,

everybody's like either like under 25 or over 40. And like, there's like the ones over 40 were there like a long time ago. And then like the new crowd doesn't remember like how ugly the skinhead thing got in the late 80s and early 90s with just like all the insanity going on of just all the violence and all the weird crews and stuff. So it's like – but yeah, it's like a lot of people –

That was something that I never got – like at the height of my going to punk rock shows as a kid, like I never understood whether or not a skinhead was something you had to be afraid of. Yeah, yeah. I was never able to get a clear explanation as to whether or not these were bad guys or cool guys. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's like there's, you know, yeah, there's a bunch of different genres. I'm probably going to start getting the emails

like right now. Yeah. From all the people trying to describe all the different factions and clicks to me but uh yeah i mean there's some that are just like really into like you know uh you know like rocksteady and reggae and and all this other stuff like what they call traditional and and uh they all seem pretty cool but they also seem kind of like they're down to box like yeah sure like something well because they're essential, the aesthetic that is tying them all together is that they have all shaved their hair

so no one can grab it in a fight. Yeah, yeah. And then the racist skins came later, like whatever. But that left such a bad taste and a bad imprint in the cultural mind that you can't, it's really hard to shake that. Even now,

people see it and it's like, that's the first thing I think is, Oh, this guy's, this guy's a racist. This guy's an Aussie or whatever. And I don't know, but yeah,

I mean, it'd be like, you know, growing a little Hitler mustache and just insisting that, uh, yeah, yeah. But it's like,

not everyone with the mustache. I'm, I'm a Jordan mustache. Yeah. Right. Michael Jordan. That's why I also type of mustache. I also I wear this interview to Michael Jordan. It's a different type of mustache. That's why I also have this bacon neck t-shirt.

Yeah. There's this type of record collector in the hip hop world who is not a hip hop producer, but will collect the records that were sampled on famous hip hop songs. Oh, yeah. And, you know, it's like the beats and breaks. Right. And what I here's the thing about it is that I can understand getting into R&B and soul music on the basis of having heard this break on

this song and then you, you know, you hear this Seal Johnson song on a Wu-Tang record and so you go back and listen, oh, this Al Green Seal Johnson and People's thing is pretty cool, like, oh, Willie Mitchell's the producer or whatever, right? But the part where you collect

breaks that other people have already used and are thus essentially done with is strange to me. That's something that is just collecting. So they want the actual record that the actual person used? No, they don't want the actual. They want a copy of the original recording. They're not trying to buy the record that DJ Premier himself put on the turntable and ran into his MPC. Is that a kind of thing, though?

That would be awesome. Yeah. I don't think any. It would be tough to identify that one. Sure. But, like, there's – the thing is – the thing of it is that these guys, they're like, oh, I got that break. I got that break. I got that break.

I got that break. And you're like, well, what are you going to do? Do you, like, hang around your house recreating they reminisce over you or whatever like i totally understand people who are looking for something to use in a hip-hop production you know what i mean like to make a new hip-hop record and i totally understand people who buy soul records because they like soul music and they want to enjoy listening to them but this other other thing is it's like the thing about buying limited edition singles and then just putting them in a cabinet under F. Yeah, I guess now those limited edition singles come with a little download so you can actually,

you know, God forbid, listen to the music. Yeah. But yeah, no, I think we've talked about this before, but yeah, I was never a collector as a kid. I never just wanted to have a bunch of stuff. It's like a beanie baby you can't display. Right, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, at least with a beanie baby, you can put it out and everybody will be like, that's a really cute beanie. Sure. You know what I mean? You've had that experience, right? You've got those beanie babies in the back of your smart car. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what the entire back is filled with. Yeah, this is the Bucky Sinister Contradiction Tour.

Yeah, totally. You're driving around, smart car full of beanies, peddling your pink vinyl. I still think they're going to be worth some money someday. Yeah, I think they will. I think you're putting your money into the right thing. I mean, yeah, maybe like it's at an ebb now, but like, you know, the collectibles market. It's, you know, it's peaks and valleys. It's coming back, bro.

Exactly. Art Deco is coming back. Sure. And Beanie Babies are coming back. Right. Once this mid-century modern thing is gone, Beanie Babies are next. All beanies. Yeah.

It's going to be nothing but beanies. Yeah. I'm going to sell out. I'm going to just cash out of the market and put it all back into pogs. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Bucky Sinister, king of kettlebells. You are the king of the kettlebell. Yeah. I am. Bucky Sinister is a competitive old-timey weightlifter. Yep, yep. I'm actually going to do my first competition in October. See, and that fits. I mean, for people who've kind of been trying to picture Bucky as we've kind of been describing him, your aesthetic is more kettlebell and less smart car. Yeah.

Well, thanks, I think. No, no, that's good. Yeah. I see that you've switched to a Clubmaster-style frame from the previous John Goodman in the Big Lebowski-style frame. Were you just exhausted from people telling you how much you looked like John Goodman in the Big Lebowski? Yeah, yeah.

I was – Because you were into it for a while. That was a weird phase because, like, I got a flat top at one point and I had a beard. And it just, like – it was enough to where people started yelling lines from Big Lebowski at me from cars. Like, they were just – they were, like, catcalling me with, you know, Lebowski lines. And then I was like, well, I do kind of look like this guy. So I just actually played it up, and I went and got my beard trimmed exactly the same way.

I went and got, I found some very similar glasses, and I bought one of those kind of like those weird Safari Fest things. And sometimes I would put that on and walk walk around downtown and people would just freak out. And I would get pictures taken with me and stuff like that. Our friend Dan Grayson, who wrote the original theme music for The Sound of Young America, I remember there was a brief period where the strokes were exploding. And I remember that he went to Disneyland and took three different pictures with people who thought he was Julian Casablanca.

Yeah. It was weird. People were reacting really well. I mean, there was sometimes, like, you know, it was kind of fun sometimes to, like, walk into, you know, I'd walk into a bar or something, and people would just, like, start yelling Walter at me. And it was kind of fun.

or something and people would just like start yelling Walter at me and it was kind of fun. But then sometimes I was dating this woman who was – she was not into it and she was like – she actually liked going to Lebowski Fest with me. That was the thing. I did go to Lebowski Fest. I almost won Best Walter and people who said that – You couldn't convince her to also walk around as the Julianne Moore character. Yeah, yeah. You should have just shot for that.

The guy who won brought a can of ashes and threw them on the crowd, and he won. But everybody said I was robbed, that I looked just like him. And, you know, when we – We believe you, Bucky. She and I would be out. She liked that. She liked at that event. But when we would be out somewhere in public and, you know, we would be out with she liked that she liked there at that event but when we would be out somewhere in public um and you know we would be out with her and her kid and then somebody like just you know

on telegraph avenue would just come up to me out of nowhere and just jump in front of us and like you know dude nice apartment and and you know let's take some pictures and she was like i can't i can't deal with this this is too alarming disconcerting and uh so yeah i i dropped to that point and then the glasses broke like kind of like the next day is this weird thing like okay i guess i guess it's done let me ask you this let me ask you this bucky now that you've switched to those uh ray-ban clubmaster style frames yeah um do you have the same problem only people think that you're Denzel Washington and Malcolm X? Yes, I do. I got these in homage to the NASA scientists of yore.

I really – I was watching – People are now confusing you for Tom Hanks in Apollo 13. I saw some old footage of the moon landing and the show back at Command Central. And it was like these kind of tough nerds. You know? Yeah. It was like these kind of very macho nerds. They were wearing Ray-Bans, the button-up short-sleeved shirts, lots of pins. And they were chain-smoking.

You know what I mean? And they were like, we're going to put you on the moon with a slide roll and a compass. You know? And I really – Because we hate the moon. Yeah, yeah. We're going to punch the moon in the eye. Because we hate the moon.

Yeah, yeah. We're going to punch the moon in the eye. And I really liked that because it was so much of like this kind of evil-knievel type thing. It was like, you know, this is like – you know, this is what we signed up. This is what we became nerds for. This is what we learned math for. To put guys in a little metal can and shoot them at the moon. And I kind of liked that. I was like, yeah, these guys look like, you know, they're all like – it's – it's just kind of like – it was this atypical nerd image that we've had.

I was just like, yeah, these guys kind of look kind of tough. Yeah. They look like they might – Great. We beat the Russians to the moon. Now let's suck each other's dicks. Yeah, just like let's – now let's all go fight the Russian scientist in the parking lot. Let's beat up that dog they sent into space.

I think it would be a really fun gay subculture. Don't you, Jordan? Mean 50s NASA nerd? Yes. Yes, I do. Late 50s, early 60s. Yeah, it would be fun. There's like bars.

There's like a bar. It could be called Mission Control. Yeah, Mission Control. We should seem to spend a lot of time coming up with gay bars. But they would be good. Gay bars are great. Sure. It's a fun thing to come up with.

They can have big, they can have themes. It's like a not awful version of an airport restaurant. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like the cool version of an airport restaurant. Man, I went to the airport in Cancun. I was just in Mexico.

Yes. The terminal where you fly, the international terminal. This was just general vacation? Yeah, this was just general. This was a genuine 100% vacation. Did the baby go? The baby went, absolutely. Did you put a little sombrero on him?

Oh, well, he brought a sombrero. Oh, okay. He put it on himself. Okay. Yeah. When he wanted to take a si he brought a sombrero. Oh, okay. He put it on himself. Okay. Yeah. When he wanted to take a siesta under a cactus. Sure.

And, you know, be a racist. Yeah, be a racist character of a... Yeah. So in the Cancun airport... To be fair, your baby is pretty lazy.

That's true. He is. He never works. Yeah. He never works. But give him a few chili peppers and it's woo, woo, woo. Arriba, yes. He never works. Yeah. He never works. But give him a few chili peppers and it's woo, woo, woo. Arriba, arriba.

Anyway, at the Cancun airport, the departures terminal, the international departures terminal, there is one of everything horrible in the world. It is beyond, like you would think it would be the Dallas airport or, you know, like some giant American airport. Sure. Atlanta. In this tiny, in this not huge terminal, not only is it like 60% duty-free store. I'm 30 years old, 31 years old.

I do not understand what a duty-free store is. I don't really either. Yeah. I guess it's just a place, yeah, if you promise someone a bottle of scotch from somewhere, it's the only way you can get it and bring it back on the plane. Yeah, it's – yeah, there's no taxes charged at the duty-free. That's the whole thing. It's like – especially in other countries, there's a lot of taxes. There's a lot of import charges.

Yeah, yeah, and just general taxes like a pack of cigarettes or whatever. So people can buy a whole carton of cigarettes and their workout is about like $2 a pack rather than like whatever they are now, like $7 or $8. Buckley knows the answer. Yeah, yeah. I have no idea what cigarettes cost anymore. I'm grateful for that. But I know it's frightfully expensive. And like, yeah, so basically like all the taxes are taken away because the duty-free shop is like in no country.

It's like, you know, it's just a neutral realm. It's a monkey knife fight. Yeah, yeah, totally. Anything goes in a duty-free shop. Everything's legal in there. And if they tell you you can't do something in the duty-free shop. It's yourself a goddamn case. There's the old adage.

It's not gay if it happens in the duty-free shop. Exactly. There's actually a gay bar called the Duty Free Shop. That's another one. Yeah. But there's like no time. I was going to make a clean asshole joke. Yeah.

There was both. I decided against it. There was both a, there was a Harley Davidson store. I'm going to give you a list of the businesses. At the Cancun airport. In the Cancun airport. Harley Davidson. Okay.

Harley Davidson store, Starbucks. Combo. There was a Margarit Harley Davidson. Okay. Harley Davidson store, Starbucks. Combo. There was a Margaritaville. Awesome. There was a Bubba Gump shrimp. Great. So what's amazing about it to me, Jordan, is this. Yeah.

It's not that there are chain restaurants in the Cancun Airport. Yeah. Or even that there are bad chain restaurants. It's as though they took a look at the list. They're like Outback Steakhouse, not bad enough. Yeah. Two Jack Fridays, no, too classy. Let's go.

They just went full on. Yeah, let's go hard theme, something that has a lot of t-shirts for sale, something that sells as many t-shirts as it does foods. Yes. something that sells as many t-shirts as it does foods yes the bubba gump shrimp company is called bubba gump shrimp company like restaurant and tienda or something like that like it is as much a store where you buy a bubba gump shrimp company t-shirt it's a weird it's a weird story i don't think anyone like who's from a place that has a Bubba Gump shrimp goes to one. I think they're only in tourist locations like Pier 39 and stuff like that. I don't think in airports.

I don't think anyone's ever gone to one that lives near one. Pier 39 is one of those. This is a tourist destination in San Francisco. It's like one of those places that really – and Nick White, our editor, was telling us that there's this – that Navy Pier in Chicago is the same way. Pier 39 is the most visited tourist attraction in America. I learned that when I was working in the mayor's office of San Francisco. This may have changed in the last 15 years. I wouldn't doubt it one bit.

When I was 16, it was literally the most visited tourist attraction in America. It is – it could not be more horrible. Yeah. It has no – zero redeeming qualities. Maybe like do people just hang around there before they go to Alcatraz or something? Does that have something to do with it? Yeah, it's something like that. I don't know.

Yeah. What book did someone read that says, and they came out with, yeah, I gotta check out this Pier 39. It sounds like they got a lot of candy apples there. It's not Dora Mal with seagulls. It sucks. And it doesn't have any of like... It's ugly?

There's nothing really San Francisco about it. It's like, oh, there's a knife store and... To be fair, the candy apples do come in a bread bowl, a hollowed out sourdough bread bowl. Yeah, the bread bowls are a little bit even off. There's not even that up there. That's a couple of piers down. That's a little too classy. A little too authentic, yeah.

The bread bowl, the thing that no one in San Francisco has ever eaten anything out of besides a visitor to San Francisco? My day job is like right across the street. I can see that from where I work. You work at Ghirardelli Chocolate. We should have said that. Right, sure. I take the – there's a streetcar, the F line, that's also like just kind of there to take people from the hotels downtown all the way up to Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf and all that stuff. So it's pretty much there for that.

And people – it's great. You go by the Bay Bridge and people start taking pictures. And you can hear them say, you know, there's the Golden Gate Bridge right there. And it's like I never know whether to stop them or not. Like, it doesn't really matter. Like, they just wanted a picture of a bridge. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Let them be happy. Yeah, because if I tell them that it's not the Golden Gate Bridge, they're going to have to take a whole other part of their trip to go. That F Market Street car really is a strange experience. I used to take that when I worked in downtown San Francisco, you know, once in a while just to get through, because it runs down Market Street, which is the big downtown street in San Francisco, and it is like old-timey

streetcars, you know, from the 40s and 30s. Yeah, they get them from all over the country. It's like, you know, with little sides inside, like, this one's from Philadelphia, this one's a Washington, D.C., 1940s car. Because it runs down the main street in downtown San Francisco, there are, like, businessmen on it. Because it runs down the main street in downtown San Francisco, there are like businessmen

on it. But it's like the population of this streetcar is like 30% businessman, 60% people in t-shirts that say California and shorts who are complaining about how cold it is in the summer. And it is the weirdest combination of people. Like usually that's one and the other. But they all get on this one train to go down. It's very odd. It's a very curious situation.

Yeah. And I always like the, you know, you see a family and there's always one person in the family that gets really bent out of shape of like, let's not miss the Alcatraz stop. Yeah. And when it's coming up and they furiously ring the thing, it's like, yeah, half the car is getting out there. You'll be fine. It's probably going to stop it. It's probably going to skip that stop. Nobody's going to get off here without Catrass.

And they're just furiously ringing it. And there's this part where, like, it pulls up kind of close, but it's not the actual stop. It's just kind of the middle of the street and people are banging on the doors trying to get off. And it's just like, oh, I – because every family has that one person who's doing that. The rest of the family is fine. Yeah. I just always kind of like picking that out. But I genuinely –

The vacation ruiner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this is on our list of things to do. Right. We have to see it. We missed this. It messes up our whole vacation. You're talking about dad.

Yeah, most of the time. Yeah. Yeah. But what I genuinely wonder though is I – look, if you go to a San Francisco, you visit Alcatraz. Alcatraz is kind of neat to see. Yeah, it's totally neat. Alcatraz is pretty cool. Yeah, that's one of the – that definitely is like a tourist – like a go-to tourist thing that does not disappoint.

Yeah, especially on a gloomy day. If you've been there on a really gray, kind of misty, horrible day, you're like, yeah, this would be horrible to be here. The gift shop situation is absurd. Like, they do have three different gift shops that sell the same stuff. I mean, they sell you- One of those things being a DVD of The Rock. I know a better gift shop, though. Hmm.

The one at San Quentin. Oh, yeah? There's a gift shop at San Quentin- Cool. Full of things that were made in the crafts classes. Oh, wow. That, see? That's the one to go to if you want to get a real piece of San Francisco.

Go over there. Just stop because you're probably already going to be visiting San Quentin. Yeah, if you're going to drive over the bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge, go up there by San Quentin. And they have a gift shop. You don't have to go inside the actual prison. You can just stop outside and you can get all these kind of cool things, all this cool artwork that they make. We talked about like fruit bowls made out of cigarette packs. Yeah, you can get a nice variety of shanks.

Yeah, sure. A hot plate made from an electrical cord and a wire hanger. Sure. You know, grilled cheese maker, you know, whatever. But nice selection of fee fees but yeah it's pretty amazing

you know I went over there and I had a poetry workshop in there for a little while in the gift shop? yeah not in the gift shop but

this was the gift you know rehabilitating gift shop workers there's really two really amazing guys Kent and Keith Zimmerman they're twins and they they've written a lot of famous biographies, like Sonny Barger's biography and Johnny Lydon's biography and things like that.

And they run a writing workshop there in St. Quentin, and occasionally they bring in guests, and it's pretty great to go. Our friend Dave Hill, East Coast Dave Hill, told the story recently on Bullseye of doing a Dave Hill comedy show at Sing Sing. Yeah, and I can't imagine. I mean, Dave Hill is, there's no jokes really in what Dave Hill does. Sure. You know what I mean? I really wouldn't, if I'm Dave Hill, I only want to be performing for Dave Hill audiences. Yeah, yeah.

Audiences that are prepared for Dave Hill. You know what I mean? There's – once this guy comes on in wearing like a velvet, you know, swinging London, Carnaby Street outfit. Yeah. And, you know, rocking out on the guitar and talking about how great he is. I don't know how that plays in the maximum security wing. But anyway, I guess the thing that I genuinely wonder is there are these tourist attractions that have legitimate content to them. And I totally understand how tourists end up going there because you want to go across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Sure. I don't know the ones in San Francisco. That's the only reason I'm using the San Francisco examples. But then there are these places that are not anything. There are very clearly not anything. Stores. Why do people go to those? Who told them to go there? What is in the miasma in St. Louis and Detroit and Washington, D.C., that people who visit San Francisco already know that they're supposed to go to Pier 39 where there isn't anything of interest. dad and you're planning the vacation, this big kind of loud, obvious thing stands out. And, you know, I mean, I guess when you are just kind of exploring a city and you are kind of trying to, you know, be a little more authentic with it, you could strike out.

Like, I feel like when I've been like I've, you know, tried to go off the beaten path when I'm visiting somewhere. And sometimes you just fucking strike out. Sometimes you go to a bummer of a place. Sometimes you go to a restaurant that sucks. And, you know, so, yeah, I think it's just like this is, you know, this is an easy, obvious thing. At the end of the day, worst case scenario, we're going to the Rainforest Cafe. Right.

Sure. We know it'll be, you know, we know what to expect. There's going to be mist every 20 to 30 minutes. We'll be misted. Yeah. I think there's a lot of people who just kind of like shop as entertainment. I mean, it's just kind of like what they like to expect. There's going to be mist every 20 to 30 minutes. We'll be misted. Yeah. I think there's a lot of people who just kind of shop as entertainment. I mean, it's just kind of like what they like to do. I think in a lot of towns, people are going to Walmart and places like that just to kind

of walk around. And that's just where they're kind of going. I think there's a lot of small towns where, you know, I grew up in Arkansas and we'd drive 50 miles to go to the mall. And I didn't care when I was a kid that I wasn't even going to buy anything. I just wanted to be there because it seemed like stuff was going on. And there's all these things, and there's these fantastic stores we don't have at home like Chess King. And there's a piano tie in the store.

I'm dating myself there. There is a Chess King at Pier 39. You should point out that there is a Chess King. And a Z Cavaricci. Sure. And I think like maybe some people take that. It's like, well, wherever we go in the world, what we want to do for fun is shop like we do at home. And it's like, well, you could actually see some other things.

You could go down to the Mission and look at the murals, which is one of my favorite things to do with people. It's a nice thing to do. Yeah, that's fun. You know, and just, you know, it's something like that. And it's like, you know, just kind of point out like maybe like some things you can't see at home. But yeah, if you really want to hit the Banana Republic, I guess that's what you want to do. But there's not even a Banana Republic at Pier 39. I can understand people wandering around Union Square going shopping because I've done that before.

But like, yeah, there's just some places that are so nothing. Yeah. The entire city of Las Vegas, for example. Yeah, I always remember like we went to Las Vegas once on a family trip as a kid. And yeah, I remember my mom just going to like, oh, we have to go to the outlets. Like we have to go to the outlet malls. It's like, what? Then I'm like, isn't that not what this is for? Like isn isn't there that didn't we not have to leave home to do that but uh yeah

yeah but yeah i mean i also think that yeah i think if you are like if maybe you are an older couple or a middle-aged couple or if you have kids like there's just like the kids i think that you really hit on something yeah i think it's about it's about a concern. The idea of being worried that you're going to strike out, I really can appreciate that because I think the stakes are a lot higher if you have a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old. You just want something that you know you're not going to have to fucking worry that you're going to have to spend half a day explaining to them why it doesn't. This vacation sucks. Right.

Yeah, totally. And yeah, and it's like, I guess if like you think about like what the authentic experience of city X is, it's like, eh, it's probably not appropriate if you have kids or if you're an older couple. It's like, well, you know. Well, all of your ideas of what the authentic experience, quote unquote, of a city involved their prostitutes. Right.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, the kids don't have to like fuck the prostitutes. They can just hang out with them. Sure. Listen to their wisdom. Right. I mean, I don't know. I mean, the kids don't have to like fuck the prostitutes. They can just hang out with them. Sure. Just listen to their wisdom. Right. Listen to their whores wisdom. I want you to read Green Eggs and Ham to my little boy. Right. Put some swear words in there, too. Yeah. So I guess like, yeah, like visiting a place, visiting a place as like, Yeah, so I guess like – yeah, like visiting a place as like as a young single person or as like a – as a young couple or something is probably just totally different than like a family going to it. It's like you probably just can't do a bunch of shit. Yeah.

Anyway. I think you're right. I think it's ultimately – sometimes you talk to people and they are sort of overwhelmed by the whole thing. They just, and the kids just want to play laser tag. Yeah, kids just want to play laser tag. Yeah, kids just want to eat at a place they've eaten before. Yeah, I can see that. I'll buy that for a dollar. But, you know, you might as well just go to, you know, Missoula.

Sure. Missoula seems nice. They got that shit in Missoula. Missoula seems nice. Missoula has a lot of beautiful vistas. So, yeah, but there is like when you do become like a big family, like, you know, you want to go on vacation because you want to go to a new place. But, you know, probably what that vacation can be is probably just so limited by being a big family. Yeah, I can see that.

I mean, we were nervous about going to Mexico with the baby to some extent. And he fucking loved it. He was great. Sure. But, yeah, there's this feeling like, hmm, is something horrible going to go wrong that we can't fix because we're in a place that we don't know? Is the baby going to slip out

for no reason? Is there such a thing as Lil' Montezuma's revenge? So yeah, I guess what are your Mexico activities? Oh man. Well, you were in Tulum, which is like an hour and a half or so south of Cancun, and it's just a beach resort town. There's not really anything else there. There is a small to mid-sized Mayan ruin there that is more remarkable for the fact that it's on a cliff overlooking the ocean than it is for the contents of the Mayan ruin. But it's quite lovely. Nice way to spend an hour. But it mostly is just some beautiful beaches. And the vibe is, it depends on which one of these places you're at.

There are resorts. The resorts are not what you're, it might be a man. I mean, most of the resorts probably sleep 40 or 50 or something like that. You know, little swimming pool and a little restaurant, but there are these resorts and some of them are real yoga.

I was how I would describe them. Yeah, sure. Which is a little weird in Mexico. I'm not going to lie to you. Not that they don't have yoga in Mexico. It's just not the epicenter of yoga necessarily. But they're tourist towns, right? Yeah, it's a tourist town.

But it attracts something that I did not know existed, which apparently is a yoga tourist. Sure. But that's not all of the places, but it's definitely present. Like there's definitely a sort of like, there's a vibe of sort of young Steven Seagal-y types. Just sort of walking around or riding on bicycles. Just sort of walking around or riding on bicycles. Maybe with one of those. In the sense that they're kind of in this mishmash of new agey stuff.

Yeah. And they got one of those tank tops that goes below the nipples. Yeah. Precisely. That is exactly what's going on. People who take like two or three ideas from every Eastern philosophy thing and put them in a little stew. And it's like, this is what I believe. And it works because they're drunk.

And you know, one in 10 women is topless topless sure i'd say uh which was fine with me terrific it's a lot of fun um i will say uh i will say though that it was nice i mean it's hard because with the baby like i would love to go someplace and fucking go all over town and do a million different things. Sure. But you really can't with the baby because the baby has to take two naps a day at the same time. And also the baby goes to sleep before you do, but in a hotel room, you just have to sit there and watch the baby sleep pretty much.

You can kind of read a book. Do you think it's odd when you are an adult and you don't drink alcohol? Yeah. You see how much of a vacation is centered around getting you drunk. Yes. It's really weird. It's like, well, you can go drink in our pool. We have like a swim up pool.

I'm like, I don't care about that and I don't want to be in a pool where people are drinking alcohol. I really don't because it's, you know, that's a pool of pee. That's all it is. Well, there's some alcohol. It's just like, you know, like Vegas the same way. Like Vegas, I used to have a blast there when I was a drinker and been there since. I'm just going, well, I'm really good. Yeah.

It's like what? I can only imagine that Vegas sober is just the worst thing. Yeah. I know. You just really see it like, oh, wow, this whole city is like a big hole. I threw my money down. Yeah. Okay, great.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I feel like when I have gone to Vegas, like I've gotten off the plane and like into the cab at the airport and had the cab driver stop at a liquor store so I can start getting drunk in the cab so I don't have to spend any sober time in Las Vegas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, New York City and people are like, oh, yeah, the bar is here. Stay open on 4. I'm like, oh, okay. I don't care.

Right, yeah, yeah. But what time are the museums open? Yeah, I think it's just kind of, as an adult, they just kind of assume that you want to, like, now you've got some time off from whatever your life is, and you're just going to get wasted for a week.

I think, of all the sober vacation destinations, I could see New York being one of the most fun. Yeah, New York is great. That's actually my binge eating vacation. Oh, sure. All day long. It's like, do I have any room now?

It's been an hour. Since I ate last, can I fit another slice of pizza in me? On our vacation, we ate. And there are actually, because it is sort of a ritzy destination, you know, it's quiet but ritzy. Sure. There are fancy restaurants there. And, you know, so we just went to fancy restaurants and brought the baby.

Great. But, you know, it's a fucking beach, so there's no problem with putting a baby on it in a fancy restaurant. And we, you know, it's funny. There are – so there were these sort of yoga types walking around wearing yoga pants on the beach, but no shirt or top. And then there were, the place where we were staying was quite nice and not full of horrible people for the most part. horrible people for the most part um there was though in fact it was very nice to be able to go to you know i guess i have i have not done a lot of resort vacationing in my life i did we did some on our honeymoon a couple years ago but generally speaking i never had as a kid um outside of maybe

once or twice going to calistoga to the hot springs. Oh, yeah. But I had been out of the country and stuff, but never to like a beach resort. And it's real easy for a beach resort to be real awful. And I was worried about that, but there was no problems of that type, except for this one couple was there. And it was a – I just – the thing about this place where I went is you kind of – it's a hassle to get there. You have to pay a cab driver $75 or $85 or something to drive you for an hour and a half. I've been to similar things. I had to – yes, these were common Fuel TV destinations back in the day.

Gotcha. Yeah. Yes, these were common Fuel TV destinations back in the day. Gotcha, yeah. And so you would think that it would be a self-selecting group of people that went there. And that the most annoying type of person that was there was someone who wanted to say namaste instead of hello. Sure. But what happened? Oh, I know where you're going with this nightmare couple thing.

Maya Rudolph and P.T. Anderson. Yes, it was Maya and P.T. It was this family of six-ish. And the dad was morbidly obese. And the mom was just amazing. We had only two interactions with this couple. They were staying in the same resort, but their stay didn't overlap ours completely.

But they were mind-bending. So this is a ritzy place. Everyone speaks English. And the first time they come into the restaurant, they ask how many people there are in their party. And, you know, they all also speak Spanish. They're happy to speak Spanish or whatever you prefer. But they ask how many people are in their party.

And they sort of – the guy goes, and the lady goes. And then they go – and the lady goes, well, I guess there's going to be – by the time everyone gets here, there's going to be six. Siete. No. Uno. Dos. This is in real time. Great.

Uno. Dos. Tres. Cs. It's like a Sesame Street speech. Cs? Cs people. Cs people. Wow. And's like a Sesame Street speech. Say-is? Say-is people. Say-is people.

Wow. And that is in real time. I don't want people to think that I'm exaggerating that for a fact because I'm not. That is a literal representation of what happened. Boy, yeah, that was always a huge source of embarrassment for me growing up when my dad would try and throw in one Spanish word to someone. Just stick in one Spanish word in the middle of the sentence. Seis. And so when that happened, I will say, both my wife and I overheard this,

and I said to my wife, like, you know, I mean, that's pretty embarrassing, but there's something sort of sweet about it. Sure. embarrassing but it it was there's something sort of sweet about it you know like that i really thought like she really she was trying so hard and failed five times in a row um and the guy already knew because he spoke english but it was six which was the first word she'd say yeah it's kind of like it's kind of like when a when a you know a kid makes something uh for like their parents at school, like a Father's Day...

You know, it's like the kid feels good when he gives it to you. Right. You don't want this thing. Right. And so I had given them the benefit of the doubt until they were in the pool. And they had brought their own Chick-fil-A sandwiches. They brought a suitcase full of Chick-fil-A.

I'm sitting next to the pool reading a book. And the woman is in the pool with one of her kids. And another one of her kids runs up to the thing and says, what time is it? And she looks at the clock and she says, oh, 1720. That can't be right. And then she goes, oh, I guess it's on 24 hours. And then she says, so 1720. That would be what?

that would be what? 12 13 14 Go look in the room. She couldn't figure it out! She couldn't figure it out! She's an adult! She has counting problems.

She is a grown up woman! Nice. Sent the kid back to the room to check what time it was. As opposed to doing some simple subtraction. Nice. Sent the kid back to the room to check what time it was. Yeah, as opposed to doing some simple subtraction. Wow. It was amazing. But I don't want to say that that was the... This woman was a genuine marvel.

But it was not the overall character of my trip. The overall character of my trip was delightful. As evidenced by, I would say, the number one... Well, I'm going to give you the number two highlight of my trip and then the number one highlight of my trip was delightful as evidenced by, I would say, the number one – well, I'm going to give you the number two highlight of my trip and then the number one highlight of my trip. The number two, for some reason in – I have never been to a part of Mexico where there

are so many big dogs. I guess because they belong to the yoga people or something. Sure. Like I've only been to parts of Mexico where there are medium dogs. There are 25% medium-sized dogs, 75% chihuahuas. I think you're thinking of burros. Yeah. You know, big horse dog. Big donkey

looking dogs. Tulum is full of like golden retriever ass dogs. So the beaches are covered in these golden retriever dogs. And at one point, two of these dogs were trotting along the beach and they were each holding a coconut in their mouth.

Hey, that's good. So that was pretty good. That was the number two best thing. It's not a New Yorker cartoon, is it? It is. Exactly. It's like the cartoon contest in the back is a picture of a dog holding a coconut in his mouth.

Did you ever see, I think our friend Rob Bedecker, the guys from Casper Hauser, briefly ran Tumblr where it was every cartoon from the cartoon contest and every time the caption was, Christ, what an asshole. Yes. Okay. The number one best thing, and I still am trying to wrap my head around the fact that I saw this. We are walking down the beach and like a European guy runs up to us and says, you will step carefully because of the turtle. And we're like, the turtle? And we look down and you know on nature. It was Jerry Ferrari. Something like that.

He's funny sidekick. You be careful not to step. He's drunk. He cannot move. Comic relief. It was the late Davy Jones. It was the ghost of Davy Jones. That's a monkey.

So we look down and you know on like one of those nature documentaries when the baby sea turtles are coming out of their hole in the sand. I do. And they're right. I fucking saw that. Hey, nice. That's like a one in a million thing. Holy shit. And it wasn't like we were, we're just walking down the beach, we walk into literally 200 three-inch long sea turtles.

Wow. On, I would say, at least a 50-foot journey to the sea. Now, what I've heard about those is that there's a very low survival rate. Those little turtles are very vulnerable. Not when Jesse's around. I was going to say, my instinct would be to flank them, would be to make sure they all got to the sea safely. Oh, shit, yeah.

No, I was on it. I had the fucking game on lock. I was Bucky Sinister on it. As Bucky Sinister is to an Invisible Scratch Pickles show, I am to the baby fucking sea turtles. Maybe hucking some- Las Tortuguitas getting to the sea. Hucking some rocks, some seagulls.

Las Tortuguitas Marinas. Yeah. As long as they got a hand stamp and they're on the list, they're cool. They're all just going to the ocean for that one record, though, and then they're going to come right out. You guys, yeah. You seagulls, you albatrosses, like, whatever else eats turtles. Like, you guys aren't on the list.

You guys got to go. In all sincerity, I was so dumbstruck by this. I almost started crying on the beach it was so adorable and so amazing as these little tiny turtles walked and they would get in the first wave and the first wave when they hit they would they would start swimming as fast as they could which was so fucking cute because they're so tiny they are very cute and then the second wave would flip them over on their back and wash them back up, but they'd still just be swimming because they don't know anything yet.

And then as it receded, they'd go underneath the next wave and you'd see them jet out to the ocean. Oh, that's great. And it was the most wonderful fucking thing. Oh my God. I wanted to bottle it and keep it up my ass. All for the entire month of August. Absolutely.

Just tremendous. Just amazing. Yeah. No, that's neat. I guess my instinct would be to, like, maybe it would be kind of fun to, like, underhand pitch some of them in the water. Not, you know, to what would hurt them. I think it would probably help them in the long run. It'd be kind of fun.

Just, you know, lob a couple of those little guys in there. Come on, Jordan. All right, just underhand. Why don't you just feed them to a pelican, Jordan? No, that helps. That's less time out of the water. That's when they get caught is when they're out of the water. So me pitching them.

When they're up in the air, the pelican swoops down. He's got that big old gullet. No, I'm not going to. Just for eating. This is just a soft. This is like maybe even rolling them like a bocce ball. Like a bocce ball. Maybe consider that.

Maybe a slip and slide. Oh, that would be cute. That would be cute. It's like between where they're coming out. Maybe the slip and slide with the little ramp. So when they hit the little ramp, they would fly in the air. Is that what you're talking about, Jordan? A crocodile mile. What's that? They run. They slide. with the little ramp. So when they hit the little ramp, they would fly in the air. A crocodile mile.

They run, they slide, they hit the bump and take a dive. Is that what you're talking about? That is not a real crocodile at the end. They got to watch out for the crocs now? Is that what you're saying, Jordan? No, that's not a real crocodile. I'm saying there's a slip and slide

with a ramp that they can go off of. They're like a little motorcycle. Sometimes, I haven't felt comfortable saying this out loud. I'll be wearing tiny helmets. I haven't felt comfortable saying this out loud on the show until today. But sometimes I wonder whether you even care about the Tortuguitas Marinas. I don't think you understand what my intentions are. I think you think there's some kind of living crayon set for you to doodle with.

Yeah, that would be nice. That would be fun. That would be a lot of fun. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great work, Bucky.

You're asleep at the wheel. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah. Bucky Sinister, asleep at the wheel. I guess, yeah. Let's talk about our sponsors for this week's program. First of all, Ask Metafilter, online at ask.metafilter.com. Thousands of life's little questions answered.

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if you go to squarespace.com and then use the code JJGO8. JJGO and then the number 8. And, hey, guess what? Speaking of sponsors, it is not technically a sponsor, but our friend Bucky Sinister has a brand new book out. Oh, yes. My new book is called Time Bomb Snooze Alarm. It's a book of poetry on the new Relatively new publisher

Right Bloody And that's right as with a W This is part of the W.W. Norton, correct? Yeah, yeah It's a publishing company started by Poet Derek Brown who lives in Long Beach And you know It's one of those kind of like

I used to know that guy when I lived in Orange County He used to live on a houseboat out there. Anyway. He did. He did. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, this is his company.

A nice fella. Yeah, yeah, he is. He used to buy you beer. Is that what you mean? Yeah. He had a band when I was in high school called John Wilkes Kissing Booth, which in high school I thought was the most clever thing I had ever heard in my life. Yeah, yeah. He's a really interesting guy and really smart with a lot of poetics and stuff.

And he's pulled together a lot of poets who are both good on the page and on the stage, as we like to say. And as mage. Yeah, lots of other things that rhyme. With just a hint of sage. Yeah, lots of other things that rhyme. With just a hint of sage. Yeah, it's one of those things where he's gotten together a lot of the performance poets whose poetry stands up in book form. And I'm really glad to be a part of that.

It's out. Bucky's poetry is really fun to read. It's very lively, very thoughtful, and also very funny. Yeah, it's written in very common talk. You know, I don't – the school of poetics I came up with is like if it's not a word you usually use, don't use it in your poems. At the end of all your poems you have hashtag YOLO, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just FYI. Yeah, the hashtag school of poetics.

Exactly. Just FYI. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the hashtag, hashtag school of poetics. Yeah. If you want to sponsor an episode of Jordan, Jesse, go or any of our shows, email us at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, nobody's up on the Jumbo, wide open Jumbotron this week. That's weird. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's cheap. It's easy. We'll announce your dog's birthday. I don't give a shit. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I wasn't prepared for that, but now that I've received it. Can I be the Scotty Garelts of the microphone? Oh, sure. Sure.

I pick Ken Oberfeld just because I think he's like, you know, he's your solid everyday player. Sure. Great in the lineup. Great to have him there. He's not, you know. Throw him in at any position. He's going to be competent and a little roly-poly.

There you go. I think that's what I am. Surprisingly roly-poly for a professional athlete. Yeah. And, you know, I think I work at various parts of the performing arts quite well, you know, but I know my place. I'm not a Barry Bonds. Right.

You're a Ken O'Rourke fellow. You'll get a key pinch hit. Yeah. I'm not someone who's going to make a... They're not making a bobblehead of me. But you know what? You're appreciated. Everybody wants me in the lineup.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. The fans know who's good. To be fair, I think you would have a handsome bobblehead. Yeah, totally. I mean, I understand that that was like a metaphor, but I do think if someone were to make a Bucky Sinister bobblehead, it would be very cool. It would be because they wouldn't have to really change the proportions that much.

I got kind of like a big head. You have a natural bobble. Yeah, yeah, totally. It's just like it looked proportionally correct. You have a big head and also weak neck muscles. Yeah, totally. And a permanent smile. Yeah, and I'm agreeing to everything all the time.

Mm-hmm. You do enjoy riding on the hood of the dashboards of cars. Okay, well, we've had a lot of fun talking about Ken Obergefell, longtime utility player and pinch hitter for various National League baseball clubs. We've had a lot of fun talking about bobbleheads. Sure. Now it's time for momentous occasions. Let's go to the tape with the first momentous occasion.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh, calling from Brooklyn with a momentous occasions. Let's go to the tape with the first momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jessica. Calling from Brooklyn with a momentous occasion. I just had my first date after my major breakup. But the highlight of the evening was probably going to the Upside Citizens Brigade Theater in Manhattan and watching nice guy Al Madrigal tear into an audience member who probably didn't deserve to be treated like that. Come on, Al Madrigal. Like, go back to telling jokes about Cholo's soccer dad. No.

Which you did. Don't. Bye-bye. Tear into an audience member, Al Madrigal. Are we trying to orchestrate some Tosh-style takedown of Al Madrigal? Because I will not be a part of that. If that's our MO here is to capitalize on this whole let's take down a comedian thing i will not be a part of it there was a controversy about a year ago because al was on a stand-up show

at south by southwest um with i want to say it was john ol's show, maybe something like that. And there was a guy in the audience who was using an iPad, um, and during the show and, uh, uh, from what I heard, a couple comics sort of made reference to it, um, and sort of encouraged everyone to stop using their iPads. Uh, the guy didn't. And I'm, hold on. I'm a little worried. No, okay. I was a little worried that my dog was about to pee in the studio. That would be a nightmare. Yeah.

We do have some dogs in here in the studio with us today. I shouldn't mention that. Who are being very good. They are very good. Well, they're happy that they're here and not at my house because they're terrified of landscapers. It's the thing in the world that they're most afraid of. It's common to the breed. Apparently, Al went on like third or something and spent his entire time berating this guy for not turning off his iPad during the show.

and some people who had never been to a comedy show before got very upset by this because Al, I think that a lot of people, if you've only heard Al here on Jordan Jesse Go, you've heard us all goofing around with Al, that is the guy that Al is. But do not cross Al Madrigal. That is my recommendation to you. Do not cross Al Madrigal on a scale large or small. Because Al Madrigal, for 10 years before he became a stand-up comedian, his job was to fire people. That is also the guy that Al Madrigal is. And he did it cold.

You can talk to him now. He still thinks it was sort of fun to fire people. Yeah. He understands that it's a little sad, but he also thinks it's fun. Yeah. When Zach's out in the audience, he pretty much fires them as an audience member. Yes. And they feel like they go through all that grief and everything.

It's the same thing. Yeah. I've seen him do it. He just sends them away. Yeah. This thing is not working thing. Yeah, I've seen him do it. He just sends them away. Yeah, this thing is not working out. You and the audience, it's not a good match. He makes sure that all their stuff is packed and ready to go before he sends them out. He does it on Friday afternoon.

Sure. Yeah, he has one of the wait staff bring by a cardboard box to the table. Yeah. Pack everything up. Exactly. It'd be funny if, yeah, before you kicked an audience member out of a stand-up show, they just got a box to the table. Yeah. Pack everything up. Exactly. It'd be funny if, yeah, before you kicked an audience member out of a stand-up show,

they just got a box of office supplies to take out with them. Like, well, I'm up a staple remover. As a general rule, though, here's just a recommendation, and please don't read this as Daniel Tosh related

because I'm not presenting it as Daniel Tosh related, but here not presenting it as Daniel Tosh related. But here's a recommendation for you going to a stand up comedy show. You probably know this if you're listening to Jordan, Jesse go. But you can tell your buddies that you're going to the stand up comedy show with. Don't fuck with the show. It's a show. Yeah.

Treat it the same way that you would if you were going to see a Broadway show. Enjoy it. If you are asked you were going to see a Broadway show. Enjoy it. If you are asked something, respond to it directly. Don't worry about – it's not your job to be funny. Just answer – if someone asks you a question, just answer it. If someone says something about your haircut being ridiculous or something, just laugh and understand that it has no personal content at all. The person just needs to say a few things about a few things that are happening to make sure that everyone knows that they're in the same room.

May I ask why this was a momentous occasion? That Al Madrigal tore into somebody? Yeah. Well, this person didn't realize that Al Madrigal will tear into somebody about every fourth show. Oh, okay. All right. So maybe it was...

They knew Al Madrigal as the sweetheart that has been a regular and beloved guest on Jordan Jesse Go. They didn't know about what happens when you cross Madrigal. Yeah, yeah. The great Santini of comedy. He throws that basketball at you over and over. He will get you in his sights and take you down. Okay, let's take another call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Goad, this is Zach and Tempe, and I just got out of jail. Sorry, that's my moment of vacation. Love the show. See, there you go. See you later. Wait, that's not how this goes. Bye.

That's what I do. Hopefully that's only one moment in your life. You go to jail once. Okay. Yeah. You get out. Don't go back.

Yeah. Boy, yeah. That's one where I just feel like I need a little more, some more details. Is this night in the drunk tank? Yeah, exactly. Or was he incarcerated? And how was he listening to us? Although, I guess I heard something recently that prisoners can have iPods now.

Really? Yeah, yeah. What kind of prisoners? What are we talking about? Don't know. Murderers? Maybe that's all I know is that sentence. Somewhere some prisoners of a jail can have iPods. I'm thinking because he said he just got out of jail that it was just like county jail

and that he was just in there for a short time. That's what I think too. Yeah, I think because if you talk to someone who's done time they will differentiate. Oh, I didn't go to prison. I went to the penitentiary. They'll say things like that. And it's just like, I don't really know the difference, but OK. And it's like, oh, well, that's a federal penitentiary.

That's a state penitentiary. Like, oh, so. Yeah, they don't call it jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the mark of someone. Yeah, ex-cons will make the differentiation. They would never, like someone who's been to like a. Yeah, they'll say, well, I was in the inmate population.

They would say something like that. Yeah, yeah. They have different terms. I was on a Revolutionary War era jail ship. But you know what? Congratulations, sir, on getting out of jail. Yeah, don't go back. Turn your life around.

I hope you had a chance to think about the mistakes that you've made. I'm going to presume that it was embezzlement. Okay, okay. I think that's a fair presumption. Some sort of Ponzi scheme? I think your average Jordan Jesse Go fan, he sees office space, he gets a little excited. He sets up a boiler room. He gets to embezzling.

He gets to embezzling. I think they're the sort of folks who will watch out of sight and identify most with Albert Brooks. Sure. Albert Brooks' character in Out of Sight. I could see us maybe having some listeners that would sell some E. So it's either embezzlement or selling some E. Or poppers.

Or poppers. Like a gay party drug. I'm presuming that most of our audience are- 1970s gay men? Well, I was thinking sort of early 2000s gay party kids. Ah, okay. Yeah, like party boys. You know what I mean?

Like Macaulay Culkin in that rave movie. Sure. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, Party Monster. Yeah. Home Alone. Yeah. I know.

Yeah, he played that little gay guy. Party Monster was Home Alone 3 right? that was the sequel yeah yeah what's like how I think it's a situation

like you know how Prometheus is kind of an alien movie but they don't call it alien I think Party Monster you know takes place in the Home Alone universe

right do you remember Jordan do you remember when the scene the scene that I remember most from Home Alone it's been a long time since I saw it

is the one where he does the amyl nitrate popper and he goes ahhhh and he's got his hands on his cheeks and he's screaming

remember? I do. I mean it's a classic movie scene. It's just a classic a classic scene. John Hughes at his best. Remember the scene

where Joe Pesci does some E and then he gets hit in the face with a paint can? I do. And it feels really great because he's on E. Yeah, he's like, oh. The sensation.

He's rubbing it. He's rubbing it. Okay, next call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name is Matt. I'm calling from Rantula, Illinois. Big fan of your podcast. And I have a momentous occasion for you.

podcast, and I have a momentous occasion for you. Back in March, I was laid up in the hospital for about a week with some pretty horrible surgery for an abscess in a place I'd rather not mention, but as horrible as you think it would be, it was. I hadn't done any exercising beforehand. I hadn't done any exercising beforehand today I just ran 6.2 miles or a 10k I'm exhausted but I'm also really happy with my progress and

that's about it so I'm going to go get a drink of water hope you guys have a great show and keep up the great work thanks you know how I can tell this guy gets it he's got his fucking priority stretch. Sure. Calls us, then hydrates.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Call the show, then hydrate. That's what people out there should be fucking doing. Get your head on straight, audience. Yeah. Where are your priorities at?

Who are your favorite podcasters? This is Jesse and Jordan. Special guest, Bucky Sinister. Wait, so he didn't like, this is his first time exercising. He runs. No, no, Bucky, you're misunderstanding what's happening here. He has exercised since he had his butt fixed. Oh, okay.

I presume he had to have a butt fixed. Now he's worked up to it. Okay, I misheard part of the, I just said, well, you know, I got my abscess sewn up, removed, whatever, drained, whatever they did to him. He got his butt repaired. And then I just came home from the hospital and ran. Then immediately ran a 10K. I just ran home from the hospital. Turned out to be 10K.

10K to home. I just ran it. I'm proud of this guy. Yeah. Do you want to pick up from the hospital? No, I'll just run home. No, let's do this fun run. He puts a little number on his back.

He puts a chicken head on his head. He just joins a group of Elvises. Yeah. We got one more call, Brian. Let's run it. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, Impossible Guests. It's me, Elizabeth, in Oregon. I'm calling with a momentous occasion.

I just now finished, after about an hour, gathering together a litter of kittens that I found on the side of the road. And I got their mama as well, who looks like she's a kitten herself. So there's, how many are there there's six kittens and this mama cat took me about an hour i might have said that already i'm excited but also i don't know what i'm going to do with a litter of kittens i guess find homes for them so if you have listeners in oregon near ish to portland but out in the country, but I'll travel. Maybe you could find out if they need a kitten or two. Anyhow, it's exhausting doing such good work for the animals.

Love you guys. Bye. Okay. That's nice. This is wonderful. That's terrific. This is what this segment is for. Yes. Butt repairs. Finding a litter of kittens on the side of the road and their mama, who's also a kitten. Getting out of jail!

These are the key elements of this segment of our program! Did she leave any contact info to how to get in touch with her if you want the kittens? Email us if you live in... Now, here's her question. Do we have any listeners in the Portland area? A better question would be, do we have any listeners

outside the Portland area? We better question would be, do we have any listeners outside the Portland area? We are not sure. We are primarily, primarily our audience is based in the Portland area. What happens is that everybody gets together at Slow Bar. They broadcast our show. That is basically our listenership. For a long time.

There's a strip club in Portland that's also pet adoption. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. I think there's a strip club in Portland that's also pet adoption. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Strippers and kittens. Do they take the pets on to, like, show you?

It's called pussies. You know, I'm thinking. Pussies. Coco and Sissy weren't sure about that. They think it's a little sexist. Okay, so here's what's going on. I will say, though, that I think maybe the best thing you can do with the kittens is to probably take them to a shelter. Because kittens in an animal shelter don't stay there very long.

I think if you want to house these guys, that's maybe the best thing to do. Right? I mean, I think. Fantastic. You know, you can find out what the shelter's policies are. Sure, yes. Because a lot of shelters will – what they'll do is they'll allow you to bring in the animals, let them be there for – available for adoption once they're weaned or whatever. And then they'll have a certain amount of time that they're able to hold them.

And then if they haven't all been adopted by that point, they can call you. So give a call to your local shelter and help them out. But also, if you want to email us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org, we'll put you in touch with this lady. Lady, you'll have to email us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org as well. But we'll connect you. Our producer, Brian Fernandez, that's a responsibility I'm prepared to dump onto him. Hey, let's see some pics too, huh? Yeah, let's see some pics.

Yeah, of the strip club. Of the strip club. Specifically of the pussies. Where you can get a lap dance and a lap dog. Wait, is that real or is that a joke? No, it's not real. I thought it was. It's within the realm of possibility for Portland.

I was imagining the local news segment where they bring in the pet adoptions, like the new pets available, just the stripper coming on stage. Yeah, it's not real. I mean, sure, eco-strippers, yes. Right. Pet adoption strippers, that's just one step too far, Jordan. Pet adoption strippers, that's just one step too far, Jordan. Last week on the show, Emily Gordon talked about going to a lesbian strip show where the woman strapped her bike seat to her crotch and fucked her own bike on stage. Wow.

Wait, how does that even work? Well, I guess the bike seat has probably a piece of metal that's like a dick. Right. And there's probably an area on the bike where you would fasten that bike seat that could stand in for the pussy. So did she lift it up on its back wheel? I mean, I don't know how many different positions she did with the bike or what they were. Did they have one of those bike fucking Kama Sutra posters? They did, yeah. And if, yeah, you lay the bike on its stomach if you want to hit the G spot.

Did she do Capricorn is the question that I'm wondering. I think so. Okay. She did, right, yeah. Resplendent Lotus. I'm really happy. You did such a great job hosting the show, Jordan. Oh, thank you.

My question is, where are we at with regard to the Rocket Scouts? Boy, I mean, we kind of took a little break from that because you weren't here. It's kind of your brainchild. So I didn't want to make a lot of decisions, R.E. Rocket Scouts, without you here. I thought that would be above my pay grade. Right, sure it is. So, yeah, maybe can we do that now? Rocket Scouts without you here. I thought that would be above my pay grade. Right. Sure it is. So yeah, maybe can we do that now?

Do you want to take some Rocket Scout related calls? Yeah. Well, I mean, we can certainly consider it. We should remember, just for Bucky, for your sake, and for anybody who didn't listen last week, we have decided because of the unfortunate homophobia and bigotry in the Boy Scouts organization, um, we have decided that rather than just send children to campfire, for example, which is basically exactly the same as the Boy Scouts without the homophobia. Indian guides, maybe.

Yeah. Are they homophobic? Does that exist? Is that a real thing? That's what I did instead of Boy Scouts as a kid. Indian guides. Yeah. I don't think that they're homophobic.

Might be racist. It's a little racist. Sounds like it might be racist. It does. But at this point. Did you achieve the title of Chief Nakahoma? No, I didn't. I was a bad Indian scout.

Gotcha. I was eaten by a bear. Right. Which automatically takes you out of the running. Right, exactly. So we figured automatically takes you out of the running. Right. Exactly. So we figured we'd start our own parallel organization. And, you know, we'd come up with a few merit badges and shit like that. So maybe when we come back on Jordan Jesse Go, we'll talk about what we've got so far.

And we can work up a few more ideas. So we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Lucky sinister. Big man in a little car. Okay.

Rocketscouts.com is the new home of the Rocket Scouts. Brian Fernandez, our producer, has agreed to build a website using our sponsor, Squarespace. Terrific. Not bragging or nothing, but it's true. I bet the website will be beautiful. It's going to be a lovely little website for Rocket Scouts. And what we're doing is we're putting together what the merit badges are going to be. My first contribution to the merit badges is going to be tying a bow tie.

It's a skill everyone needs. Sure. You know, because at the end of the day, you know, what else are you going to wear to lunch with George F. Will? What's your suggested age range for the Rocket Scouts? Well, I think it's going to be like Boy Scouts. You know, you can get in as a five or six-year-old. That's a little early for Boy Scouts.

I think that's Cub Scout range right there. Well, yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, Cub Scout is part of the Boy Scout range. So you get in early, five or six, and then you can take it all the way to a sort of Eagle Scout type thing where you're 16, 17, 18 years old. I think it spans

the whole length and breadth of childhood. No babies. No babies. Fuck them and breadth of childhood. No babies. No babies. Fuck them. No babies allowed. Fuck babies. Maybe something I think, I mean, it's definitely a seasonal thing, but what about making ornaments for Analogous? You know, like out of pine cones and just stuff you find in the forest.

I don't know if that's appropriate. I don't know if that's appropriate. The way the pioneers did. I don't know if that's appropriate for kids, though. Some of the happiest times of my life were the anal August that I spent with my family down at Camp David. That would be like the pilgrims did. You celebrated. The first anal August with the Native Americans. Right. Yeah, I know.

They exchanged corn up each other's butts. with the Native Americans. Right, yeah, I know. They exchanged corn up each other's butts. Didn't you celebrate Anal August at Camp David with the Bushes and the Reagans? Yeah, I mean, it's just great. I mean, you know, definitely, you know, I've come to maybe not agree with them politically,

but, I mean, just those Anal Augusts were so magical. And if it weren't for that, you never would have met Mr. T. Mm-hmm. You know, so it's really a special time in anyone's life. Just throwing around the football. What about something that's really useful and age appropriate, like making an old-fashioned for dad? Oh, yeah, sure. Making dad an old-fashioned.

Dad liquor handling. Like a bartender type, like a junior bartender badge. Right. Like a junior bartender badge. Right. And yeah, maybe while they're practicing, we can have non-alcoholic things to mix with just so they can get used to one part this, one part that. Right. Exactly.

And then they move on to alcohol because they're not going to serve their dad a non-alcoholic beverage. No. How's he going to unwind? Yeah, exactly. After a long day at the factory. Yeah, precisely. Okay. I like that. Dad's a going to unwind? Yeah, exactly. After a long day at the factory. Yeah, precisely. Okay. I like that. Dad's a little bartender.

Yeah. We'll just call it junior bartender. Okay. Right? Junior bartender. How about Lil' Drunk? The Lil' Drunk badge. I'm going to call your Anal August one just Pinecone.

The Pinecone badge. Great. Which is for crafting pleasure toys from things found in nature. Terrific. How about that? Because I don't want it to be – I don't want it to scare people off. Yeah. Well, and something – yeah.

I mean, I guess you want it to be something people can do year-round too, you know? Yeah, exactly. So it's the Pinecone badge and then, of course, the bow tie badge for tying your first bow tie. You have any suggestions, Bucky? I'm not sure this is the direction you want to go. What about things like being able to do a book report on a book you haven't read? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I think that was really kind of a coming-of-age thing that's kind of important. There's kids who use that because they're not ever going to read a book. Right. And then there's also – when I was in English – They just want to read a different book. I was an English major at San Francisco State and I quickly learned to talk about books and authors that I haven't read like I had. Just like, oh, well, that's kind of a Nietzschean idea. Or it's like, oh, well, that's very Sartre of you. And then things like that.

It's like, well, some of these authors I hadn't read. It's called fakeys. This badge is called fakeys. There we go. I think that's a good name for it. Let me ask this, just devil's advocate here. I feel like, you know, this is a skill that the three of us had to learn growing up. But now with the modern Internet where you can get a synopsis of anything, is this even a skill anymore?

Well, it's for younger kids. Okay. You know, kids that are used to only using the internet for its most basic functions, like finding pornography. Okay. You know, to be able to find a good plot summary. Sure. You know, operate Wikipedia.

Where are the best plot summaries? Yeah, exactly. I think this is something also we get at like a Rocket Scouts meeting, right? You know, and just like, okay, you're going to- You've got 10 minutes. Convince me you've read Cannery Row. Yeah, exactly. Precisely.

There we go. And if somebody says there's these two guys and one of them is named Lenny, and you're like, nope, you don't get the badge. Wrong Steinbeck. Wrong Steinbeck. You're in the- Come on. This is Steinbeck country.

Sure. This is, by the way, this is taking place in Monterey. Just so you know. This whole thing, I mean, one of the- Is that where the home base, the Rocket Scout home base is going to be is Monterey? Well, the annual scout off is held at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. It's part of the tradition of having an annual tribute to Star Trek IV, the voyage home. Sure.

For the voyage home. Sure. So, okay. So if you have a suggestion for the Rocket Scouts, either email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfund.org or give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. And Brian's going to slap this thing together. By the time you listen to this, probably rocketscouts.com is already going to be up. This is tremendous. This is one of the best things we've ever thought of.

This is going to change people's lives, Jordan. Are there uniforms? There will be. Let's talk about that next week. Yeah, going to change people's lives, Jordan. Are there uniforms? There will be. Let's talk about that next week. Yeah, great. I mean, spacesuits, right? I mean, or what about old-timey diving suits, though? Because I wouldn't want those to go to waste. Did you buy a lot of those recently?

Is this just some sort of scam to unload those? I was at a surplus auction, Jordan. Yeah. When there's surplus diving bells, when the lot just says diving bells, et cetera, you know, you're going to put in a blind bid. I get it. I put in a blind bid. I ended up with a volume of old-timey diving suits that I simply cannot sell on Craigslist.

I've sold three or four on Craigslist to fetishists, I will admit. But I want to get rid of a lot of them. The other problem is- These are Jules Verne fetishists. Yes. These came from Southeast Asia, so they're quite small. Oh, okay. So they're more appropriate for children and teens than they are for the fetish community.

Although there are some small people in the fetish community. Don't get me wrong. Probably even some Southeast Asians. Yes, sir. I mean, it is weird to see people in Laos, the Lao PDR, fucking where they're not wearing a brass bell over their head. Sure. If there's not two guys pumping an air machine, nobody can even get hard in Vietnam, in Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh City.

These are some more Southeast Asian places. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, 206-9844-FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bucky Sinister, the people's poet. A new nickname for every segment. Bravo. And all strong. What we call a hat trick. No.

Not a weak one in the bunch. Those are all great nicknames. Congratulations, Bucky. Thank you. I want to say this. First of all, I want to say thank you to all of the people across the continent of europe and of course the british isles and ireland and welsh yeah the welsh and the whales specifically katherine zeta jones for the trailer to that

movie she was in with sean connery where she had to go through all the laser beams but it put her butt up in the air and you're like whoa get a load of that yeah you know what I'm talking about

I do okay great you on board with this oh yeah yeah just a big thank you to the Welsh for that yeah

and Europeans for toning that yeah no I want to thank everyone who bought tickets to our shows sure

in London. Both shows now officially sold out. Oh, great. Are we stand-buying? Is there any protocol? Or should they just come to the meetup afterwards? Here's the thing. Okay.

So first of all, I want to thank everyone who bought tickets. To everyone who didn't buy tickets, you know, fuck you. Yeah. Go suck a lemon. You blew it. Wow. You blew it. Wow. You blew it. Wow.

You blew it. You had your chance and you blew it. I guess you could go see some third tier Olympic competition, which won't be as good as our show. You should really have a poster that says that on the door once they close it, once they got everybody in there just to go suck a lemon. Go suck a lemon. Yeah, suck a lemon. Go suck a lemon. Yeah, suck a lemon.

You blew it. I was driving late at night and kind of in the median. I saw what kind of looked to be a homeless guy. It was a guy, kind of an older guy in fatigues, and he was holding a cardboard sign, and I didn't see what the sign said. And as I got closer, I saw that his sign just read, go fuck yourself. Nice. It was great. Wow.

read go fuck yourself nice it was great wow nice um i want to i want to say something because once or twice in the past i've done this and then i've gotten like messages like why were you so angry at the people who i'm not actually angry i just want everyone to know that i'm not actually angry you're no al magical if you're taking somebody down if you like was on their first date after you really really really really really want to go and you didn't get tickets for some good reason, I bet. This is not a promise. I bet if you show up, you're going to do that. I bet you they'll find a place. I bet they could find you a seat.

They're not going to say, don't come in. Yeah. I mean, it's possible. It might just be too far. I don't know what their rules are. It could be a fire hazard. It's worth taking a shot if it's really important to you. Otherwise, one way or to other.

I will call three people my makeup artists. Right. Jordan is willing to do that. I am willing if there's three. He only travels with two makeup artists. Yeah. He will add a third person who doesn't even know how to do makeup. Yeah.

I mean, if you want to just apply a little little, apply a little powder, maybe pluck my eyebrows, I'll take it. Right. But I will add a few people to my makeup entourage. Right. Right now, he doesn't have anyone who, well, he does have someone, but he doesn't have anyone who will happily attend to his junk. Yeah.

The cover up that's necessary down there. Yeah. He has advanced sex. he's a real pill about it the guy who usually does it jordan is profoundly syphilitic and this is a full nude show that's why there's no alcohol at the place yeah i think there is alcohol i don't know if there's alcohol or not but here's this i know i'll tell you where there will be alcohol at the meetup afterwards starting at 7 p.m we will be meeting up at the Phoenix Artist Club in London. That sounds nice.

Apparently in London, all the bars close at 10. Yeah. Here's the thing that I learned on my last trip to London was that, yeah, the bars close at 10, but the clubs stay open. So you have to go to a club if you want to keep drinking. But I guess it can't be the places that are also the bars. So literally last time I was in London, after the bars got out, we went to a

converted rainforest cafe that had been converted into a nightclub. Are you guys worried about podcast hooligans? Yeah. I have some concern about podcasting. Like maybe some supporters from Doug Benson will come over. Well, I mean, we're going to be on a way turf, so it might be a local podcast. It might be Answer Me This fans.

Could be. You know, oy, oy, Helen and Ollie, oy, oy. You know what I mean? Because they're big fans of Helen and Ollie, the hosts of Answer Me This. I hope people have a chant for when we come on stage. Isn't that a big thing about the soccer clubs? Can I suggest a chant? Ali Boumalier.

Ali Boumalier. That's great. Thank you. What is that? It's a chant that they did in Africa for Muhammad Ali. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's absolutely applicable to us. We're podcasting Ali. Sure. That's why we're doing those Louis Vuitton ads. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's absolutely applicable to us. We're podcasting Zali. Sure. That's why we're doing those Louis Vuitton ads. Yeah. Like a butterfly, podcast like a bee. Yeah.

It's the old saying, right? Yeah. It means to have buzzy microphones. Right. People like a buzz, like a faint buzz in the background. But 7 o'clock on Saturday the 11th. It's Saturday the 11th, right? That's the right date?

Yes, Saturday the 11th at the Phoenix Artists Club, 1 Phoenix Street. You don't have to get in. You don't have to be a member to get in before 8 p.m. So you have to get there between 7 and 8. We'll be getting over there

around 7 or 8 once our 5.30 show is done. It's going to be a lot of fun. Anybody's welcome. Jordan, what are you going to be drinking? I mean, it's England, so a lot of fun. Anybody's welcome. Jordan, what are you going to be drinking? I mean, it's England, so a pint of warm beer that I'll be a little bit mad isn't colder. What about a cider? Why don't you have a cider?

Too sweet. You don't want a cider? No, I can't drink a whole pint of that. Too sweet. Gotcha. To drink in a pint of Coke or something. Make you too buzzy? Yeah, make me a little buzzy.

Yeah, sure. Oh, hey, I have something I want to plug. Yeah, sure. We're plugging things. Sure. I'm doing a new web series that's a lot of fun. It has a terrible name. It's called K-L-O-L, the Internet's Local News.

But it's a lot of fun. I'm doing it with former Jordan Jesse Go guests Alex Blagg and Eliza Skinner. And, yeah, we're having a lot of fun. It's kind of like a weekend update, but for internet news. We're goofing around. And the website that is funding it, their parent company deals a lot in websites that mainly kind of compile nut shots, I would say. And they're trying to break into scripted entertainment with this show. Right.

Their fan base, maybe not nuts about scripted entertainment. It's possible that while they may be sophisticated at distinguishing between pictures of cats that look like celebrities, they may be less sophisticated when it comes to jokes that have been written by professional comedy writing jokes. Right. And also they maybe think trying is gay. Yes. That is literally some things that people are leaving in the comments. Trying is gay.

Effort is gay. Anyways, so I think kind of what we're doing now is trying to kind of find a fan base beyond the Nutshot community. So, yeah, take a look at it. Leave a nice comment if you're there. It's on youtube.com slash loud. I have watched and enjoyed every episode. Thank you. I recommend it very highly.

You don't have to, I mean, Lord knows that I don't know shit about an internet thing. Every single person listening to this knows more than I do about sad Keanu. Yes, sad Keanu. And I have enjoyed every episode that I've watched.

Jordan is hilarious. Eliza Skinner is hilarious. Alex Blagg made a cameo that was quite funny telling Jordan what he should change about his performance based on the YouTube comments. I really enjoy the thing. It's called K-L-O-L.

You can Google it on YouTube. Or you can just go to YouTube.com slash Loud. And you know what? Can I suggest something? Yes, you may. If you watch and enjoy it, click the thumbs up button and write a little thing in the comments

about how you liked it. Because here's the thing. I don't know what it's like at Jordan's work. But I can tell you that confused entertainment executives may or may not put too much credence into the comments on a YouTube video. That is something that they may or may not do. And so my suggestion is watch it, click the thumbs up button, write a little thing that seems like a real human being that doesn't just call things gay, watch it and enjoy it so that the people that pay for these such things understand that people, real life people are actually watching it and enjoying it.

Yeah. I think we've kind of hit a fun stride with it. I think we've written some really funny stuff for upcoming episodes. And yeah, I'd love to keep doing it. Is this on now? It's on now. I think we've made four episodes have gone up. So yeah, we'd love to keep making more.

So watch it, please. Yeah. Anyway, 206-984-4FUN, our telephone number, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Thank you to them. Bucky Sinister has a brand new album of poetry, which is called? Sensitive Badass.

And it is pink. Yeah, it sure is, as you might expect from the title. Absolutely. Bucky Sinister has a brand new book, which is called? Time Bomb Snooze Alarm. It is full of his hilarious and delightful poems. This is maybe gray, kind of gray and black, the cover, the color. Not pink.

This is not a pink book. No, it is not pink on the inside. Can I also mention, Bucky wrote a great 12-step book called Get Up. Yes, and a follow-up as well called Still Standing. There's two self-help books now. I read Get Up because I invited Bucky onto The Sound of Young America at the time in order to talk about it. I'm not in recovery, although I do have an unusual relationship with the 12 Steps community, having sort of grown up in an 80s. But I'm not in recovery for anything. I'm not in recovery for anything and I have to say that I really found the book to be insightful and funny and thoughtful and a great perspective on recovery for people who might be kind of weirded out by the whole recovery culture and the God stuff maybe and just might want a little bit more of an alternative punk rocky version of that. Yeah it's very pro 12-step book and that's the kind of things i think a lot of people thought

i was going to slam that holes i was like no it's like kind of giving people reasons why that you you will find a way to fit in yeah and that's really it and i i'm really blessed to be out in the bay area where there's such a diverse group of people that were there to help me out uh you know and i just thought well like what would I have needed to hear? Like maybe – the last year I was drinking, I was very unhappy. It was really sad and I was – I just – I had so many misconceptions about what 12-step stuff was like that I just didn't go. So I kind of wrote a book for that guy. I was like I was done.

I needed a way out. I was just like I can't go to 12-step because, you know, because I'm an atheist, because I don't have any health insurance, because I don't have all these things that didn't matter. And so I just kind of put all these things together like that. And, yeah, try to maintain the humor of those meetings because really I've never laughed more at some of those meetings. And the humor, if you like dark, edgy humor, I've heard the darkest, edgiest stuff. This stuff cannot – the comedy clubs cannot compete with what I've heard in the 12-step meeting, which was very – like, you know, just really dark and yet funny stuff because the people are OK now. But you hear these stories that you can't – that you cannot believe. And I just wanted to bring that because there's a lot of humor and joy in that.

And I think we're kind of portrayed in a lot of media types as kind of sad, dour people who are just like live lives of regret. And I think – no, it's like we go out and we have fun. It's just like I was just at a show last night um after like you know after the comedy show i went to see you know uh this friend of mine is down here he's sober you put put you on you know a punk show you like put together the whole thing and you know i went and saw it and you know we're doing things like that it's you know like i wrote um i was 15 years i just say this 15 years i was drinking i consider myself a writer i had one book in that time and then 10 years of sobriety it's it's five books in that time. And, you know, and I started doing comedy, which I always,

as a drunk would like look and, you know, watch these great guys all through the 90s go and, you know, go up and I would think, I wish I could do that. I wish I could. And so I just like the sobriety, like helped me like just achieve the success of writing that I wanted. And also like, you know, just help me like have the courage to follow other things I wanted to do. You know, it's just really as far as like that thing of it being liquid courage. It was just kind of not that for me. It just kind of gave me reasons to like, you know, not do things to say fuck it. And like, oh, that's not for me. That's for people who are like, oh, you know, I can't to say fuck it. And like, oh, that's not for me.

That's for people who are like, oh, you know, I can't start in comedy. I'm too old. You know, at the time I was like in my early 20s. You know, like I'm too old. I'm 22. I can't. You're basically dead. Yeah, everybody started at 16 or something.

Yeah, sure. You know, and. Oh, yeah. If you haven't made it by 16. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Ridiculous. It was just all like letting the booze knock me in my self-esteem and like, you're not

good enough for that. That's for other people. It's people who are more well-adjusted or whatever, people who get homes or you know, I don't know what it was. Comedy is a real safe haven for the well-adjusted. Yeah, I know. I do love about

being with comedians. And I just really – I really love being like around the ones who are like, well, you can tell it's like a plan B. Like something else in their life didn't work out and now this is what they're doing. And I really like those people. I really like the people who are like using comedy as a way to try to figure out who they are. And just really that – I'm just trying to make sense of my world, trying to find my place in the world with this. I feel like Marc Maron and just like he's always like using his comedy as like what's my place here? Where do I live?

Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Yeah, right. Seinfeld type. Yeah, yeah. Dana Gould is always one of my favorites and Pat and Oswalt and Craig Proops. So, Bucky, thank you for joining us on Jordan and Jesse Go. Always a pleasure to have Bucky Sinister in a smart car here at Max Fun World headquarters.

Special thank you to Coco and Sissy for acting like they weren't going to make any noise here in the sound booth and then inexplicably starting barking because I think Brian was enjoying himself too much outside of the window. It was also when I was talking about this drip club with the pets. Right. So that's probably what happened. They're feminists. You should know that.

Second wave feminists. Not to the point where they're pro-sex worker. They're not quite there yet. Yeah. Anyway, we'll talk to you next time. Hey, Coco and Sissy, women have a right to do whatever they want with their bodies.

Why are you yelling at my dogs? Because they don't realize that it could be empowering. They're scared. I'm sorry. Sissy is actually scared. They're legitimately scared.

They're just my new ideas. My big ideas are freaking... I'm sorry, guys. Jordan. Jordan. I apologize, guys. Jordan. They'll figure it out.

Jordan. Next week, we're going to be in London. Yeah. Who knows when the show's going to go up? I got no idea. Hard to say. Yeah, tough to say, but we'll be in London. Eventually.

Eventually, we'll get it up. Wish us luck. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.