Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 236: Live in London with Graham Linehan

Episode Date: August 13, 2012

Recorded live at the Leicester Square Theatre in London, Jordan and Jesse are joined by special guest Graham Linehan.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddly, dumby, twiddly, home free. Just for the audience listening at home,

we put in a little pre-show entertainment. A little animation we made of a guy trying to get our theme music to play. It's part of a web series we're doing. Called The Awkward Tech Setup Club Hi London, England, how are you? Good Thank you for staying in your nightmare town During Nightmare Fortnite

Just for us We appreciate it I thought maybe you guys would be rowdier But maybe that's just soccer hooligans. No soccer hooligans in the audience. Nobody's drunk yet. Oh, okay. Yet. Is anyone drunk?

She's pretty wasted. She's pretty hammered. There's a little throw up on her collar. Seems a little bit wasted. We've actually been here for a couple days already. We have, yeah. We've gotten a lot done.

Yeah, that's true. We had mustard with our steak. We've done most of the tourist stuff. Mustard with steak, warm Fanta. I mean, what else do you guys have? We're actually, the good news is that we are outside the brand exclusion zone, so we can actually tell you who our sponsor is. Warm Fanta.

Warm Fanta. From the makers of Hot Fanta. You know, as part of our sponsorship with Warm Fanta, I've created a signature London Warm Fanta cocktail. Uh-huh. One part Warm Fanta. One part brown sauce. And then you

slam your dick in a car door. That's great. That sounds really good. So yeah, I actually, we are in we're recording this from Soho, the London neighborhood, Soho. Well, technically we're in Le from Soho, the London neighborhood, Soho. Well, technically, we're in Leicester Square, which is really like...

Oh, okay. Leicester Square, if you just... It's really the Londoners London. You get to see classic London garb. You get to see people in shorts and sports sandals with German flag t-shirts. Just classic London type stuff. I was kind of in this neighborhood last night. I've kind of been just kind of putzing around and I don't really know the town too well.

So I kind of asked the concierge at our hotel, you know, kind of where some fun places are, where it just had some kind of bars and stuff like that. And I had heard that Soho was a fun neighborhood, and I asked the concierge, oh, I've heard that Soho can be fun. And I'm going to do an impression of him. I don't know where his accent was from, so I apologize.

This is racist, but I'm not sure about who I'm being racist toward. Presumably a recent entrant to the European Union. So he's like, Soho is very fun. He has a great restaurant, gay bar,

gay club, gay restaurant. So I think the takeaway from this is he assumed that I was gay and looking for some gay stuff. Which is reasonable. Yeah. I'm super cut and well-dressed. So, you know, two things.

And I was also surprised to hear that there were gay restaurants. And I came and I ate at one of these gay restaurants. And I didn't really understand what made it a gay restaurant until they brought the check, and instead of an after-dinner mint, I got a cock up the ass. Gay restaurants. Can I give an alternate version?

What a country. Can I give an alternate version of that? I didn't really understand what made it a gay restaurant. I mean, I just went in and ordered the same thing I always order. Balls. Hot balls in the face.

Open-faced balls. Okay. Thank you for sitting in on our brainstorming session. The show will begin momentarily. As you guys probably know, we're here from the United States of America and we actually, the president, President Barack Obama,

hold for applause, was nice enough to give us a few announcements to bring here to the United Kingdom on behalf of the American people. Yeah, he's very busy these days. So yeah, he just wanted us to make... Wait, no, not that one. The next one.

Okay, here's our announcements. Just a few quick announcements on behalf of the United States. First of all, we're all done with Ricky Gervais, so could you come and get him? As you're taking him away, he'll probably just say we can't handle him because he's an atheist. Just keep letting him thinking that.

Yeah. I mean, look, he gave us the office. We should do something for him, you know. Oh, your rugby players are all sissies. So could you please give them enormous helmets and shoulder pads? Some clarification on the Mitt Romney issue. He misspoke when he said London was ill-prepared for the Olympics. What he meant was, bring on those sexy Page Six girls.

This one, we just wanted to offer on behalf of our entire country a full apology for Kesha. I mean, we just turned our back for a minute, and it got out of control. We thought it would go on for a month, two-month stops. Yeah. Oh, and speaking of quick ones, we just want to thank you for naming one of your subway stations Cockfosters. It means a lot to us. It was really thoughtful of you to do that. Oh,

just a quick message for England. It's time to stop being so into Big Brother. Yeah. If we could just move on to the new wave of American reality television, which is angry, sweaty rednecks with strange jobs. That's what we're

into. They don't get American reality television. You will. In a couple months, you guys are all going to be watching angry rednecks with weird jobs. Yeah. And you'll go, oh, that's what they were talking about. And then it will get the laugh it deserves. Yeah. The good news is, at home, everybody's laughing.

Yeah. Here, we would have had to change it to, like, I don't know, gypsies punching porpoises or something. I don't know what the equivalent is for the UK. Oh, one request that we have on behalf of the United States, if you could serve all meals in restaurants with a pile of mushy peas. Oh, wait.

Never mind. You guys are on top of that. It's fine. We'll let Obama know that you guys have that on lockdown Oh yes We would actually America would like to congratulate England On their Olympic dominance

Yeah, in all of the pussy sports Every sport that involves Braiding a horse's hair Yeah, any sport you can do in an ascot and boat shoes, England is just destroying. Arsene Cyr, congratulations on that. Also, we haven't looked into this,

but this isn't so much an announcement as it is just a thought we've been having. We're pretty sure you probably have some weird name for male on female oral sex. Flob-knobbling. I don't know. Something. Presumably flob-knobbling.

Look, here's the honest truth. We have talked a lot this afternoon about the things that keep us apart, our differences. But I think it's most important to focus on the things that bring us together all of our douchebags wear dragon shirts made of sequins our douchebags your douchebags god bless america have you noticed okay i this is off of the topic of announcements but have you noticed the hats that policemen wear here? I have not noticed. I've been noticing their giant automatic weapons.

Is that just for the Olympics? That is just for the Olympics. What about Robocop? Is he just here for the Olympics? Or is he always just walking around? That is really intense, right? Because policemen and women don't ordinarily carry guns here, right? You just kicked it straight up to anti-tank weapons.

Do they know how to use these? I'm worried about safety. But the thing that got me about the hats of police officers here is I knew about that kind of classic weird pointy hat. You know, the bobby hat like you would see. But then there's this other kind of bowler hat with a checker stripe around it that sort of looks like some...

It's like a stripper costume. Or maybe like if you were in the specials. Something you would wear if you were in the specials. Something you would wear if you were in the specials. Most policemen here were in the specials at some point, right? Yeah, they've had to find a new job. They're waiting for that third wave.

Wait, fourth wave? Fourth wave. Sorry, I miscounted the ska waves. We did, since we're here from America and we're concerned that there might be some things that might not quite translate, we did want to offer real quick just

some quick language translations, just words that you might... Yeah, I mean, you know, we know that there are some words that we say in America that you guys have different words for, so we just wanted to clarify some so the rest of the show goes smoothly. Not that it hasn't been.

If we say trunk, that means fucking in the back of a car. Cookies? Cookies is actually something we say, and that's when you're fucking and your partner shoves an Oreo up your ass. And truck.

If we say the word truck and you're not sure what that means, that just means sucking off famous actor Hugh Laurie. Thank you.

That was translation. Thank you. Hey, this week's Jordan Jesse Go recorded live in London is brought to you first by Ask Metafilter, online at ask.metafilter.com. Thousands of life's little questions answered. For example, how are Jordan and Jesse doing at their London live show? Type that into Ask Metafilter. How do they like London? Why are their buses so tall? These are just great examples of things that you could ask on Ask Metafilter.

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slash jjgo.php. Abundatrade.com slash jjgo.php. Let's get back to the show. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Unexpected You know what it says? It says that my friend I have a good friend who lives in London Jesse Thorne with an E at the end British sports reporter Thank you, thank you He appreciates the applause

Anyway, he says he'd love to join us on the show But he's backstage And he can't figure out how to get on stage So could I go help him? Yeah, why don't you go grab him? Point him. And you know what? Coincidentally, I really have to shit.

So I'm going to take a bathroom break as soon as I've told him how to get on stage. Great. Well, why don't you go back there, grab your friend. Thank you. And just, you know, come back whenever. I mean, maybe after his segment's done or in the middle or, you know, just whenever it is you can make it back. Hey, guy. Oh.

Jesse Thorne with an E. British sports reporter. I am. Coincidentally, my good friend Jesse Thorne without any eye look almost exactly the same. No, I would say you're much more handsome. Thank you, it's these dashing corrective lenses. Well, how would you like to hear what's going on in sport? I would love to.

First to league rugby, where the Shropshire Eleven hit 12 squares for Nightmare on Thames, taking the cake at Wembley. In bad sport, 15 strikers up, 12 down, with six on the dairy for Pakistan. In response, England three, with superb gauntlet work by Nigel Wilkinson. The match, of course, to Australia. In snooker, Nigel Wilkinson headed to Beaverton Hall to take on John Major in straight eight.

With 12 sticks left, 12 right, and 14 balls, the former prime minister emerged the champion. He'll be singing a new tune come Boxing Day. Now, on to the football pitch for news of kicking. Cock Foster Zalepin took the field at the manhole, hoping to repeat their 8-0 thumping of a fortnight ago. Less keen on the idea were Hempsteading Tenonshire, who struck hard and true,

penetrating for three thrusts and some light refreshment. The result? Clotted cream. And finally, in the Olympics, eight gold for rowing to four rich men with their own boats, plus two in archery to a woman with a steely gaze. Horse dancing went nine up, with Taekwondo close behind. England with six lines

on twelve, lapping the field with seven goes, and a small boy to the queen. Our congratulations to Her Majesty and to Team GB. Back to you, Mr. Morris. Thanks. Oh, and it turns out I won my office pool. Well, I've got to go use the bathroom. Thanks. Oh, and it turns out I won my office pool.

Well, I've got to go use the bathroom. Excuse me. I've got to go use the loo. No, no, wait. I mean, I would love for you and Jesse to, you know, just have a little back and forth. Oh, that's all right. I'll see him later at the meetup. Oh, sure. Okay. Well, nice to see you, Jesse Thorne with an E. Back to the BBC for me. Jesse Thorne with an E. Back to the BBC for me. Jesse Thorne with an E. Hey, guys.

Thanks. Wow. Did I miss anything good? Nope. I'll tell you. I definitely shouldn't have eaten so much brown sauce. Oh, boy. I think we think brown sauce is funnier than you guys do. They think brown sauce is a normal part of everyday life.

Yeah. That it's not strange to have a thing on the table that's just called brown sauce. That's identified solely by its color, which is also the color of dirt and poo-poo. The color almost exclusively associated with those two things. Well, you could put it on anything. You could put it on chips. You could put it on meats. In a pinch, it can be used as a sexual lubricant.

Oh, boy. Well, how about this? I have an idea. What? Now that we've had that unexpected guest, that completely unscripted, unexpected guest, why don't we have our real guest? I think that would be great.

Yeah, why don't we bring on our very special guest? You know him, of course, as the creator of innumerable beloved television programs, including Father Ted, Black Books, and the IT crowd, Mr. Graham Linehan. Thank you. Thank you.

Hi, Graham. It's nice to have you on the show. Beg your pardon? It's great to have you on the show. It's nice to have you here. It's good you very much. It's nice to have you here. It's good to mishear the first thing. At least you didn't respond with fuck you.

Yeah. Oh, good to be, oh, I mean, thank you. To be honest, it's something I kind of should have expected to be the first thing you'd say to me.

Right. So I should have actually filled in the blanks. I think it's a fair assumption that at some point within the first couple sentences you'd receive a warm welcome. Yeah, yeah. Other than what I thought it's a fair assumption that at some point within the first couple sentences, you'd receive a warm welcome. Yeah, yeah.

Other than what I thought it was, which was, what are stars? Graham, what are stars? Jury's out. There's simply no way to know. Graham, how are you finding the Olympics being in town? Is it fun? Is it inconvenient? Where do you stand on the Olympics? No, I don't live in London anymore, so it's been fine, yeah.

Did you travel to come to this show? I did, I did. My apologies. No, it's okay, it's okay. It was a long time ago, I thought I'd still be living here. No, it's been nice. I haven't really been paying attention. I'm not much of a sports fan, but...

Not even the Olympics. There's a lot of great human interest stories. I know, yeah. I understand from all television coverage. No, the only thing I liked was that girl who did the vault. The American girl. Oh, yeah, that was a good vault. That was amazing. I've been watching that was a good vault. That was amazing.

I've been watching that as a gif. I can't believe you keep up with the Olympics in gif form. Yeah, exactly. I can't believe she landed like that. Are you some sort of nerd? You'd be able to put out a lot of this, wouldn't you? It's almost as though you follow the Olympics

exclusively through kitten memes. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. I can't has gold medal. So, yeah, is England's coverage of it as obsessed with the parents as America's is? You've invited the wrong person onto the show. Lots of Olympic supporters. Yeah, I have no idea. I just don't watch it.

Sport to me is like a noise in god's united states of america we have we have this thing we have this thing where not only like i was watching the olympics the other night on nbc wow you're still talking about the olymp Driving it home. Watching the Olympics the other night on NBC, they were showing something, I don't know, tumbling. And they cut... Couples tumbling. Couples tumbling.

Yeah, yeah. They cut Greco-Roman tumbling. They cut to a report 15 minutes long about James Bond. That is what your nation is to us. Yeah, because I saw the queen jumping out of the helicopter. I did notice that. Then you kept track of Danny Boyle's

contributions. No, I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that a lot. It was great. It was really good. What was interesting about it was to see something that's more than 20 minutes long, that has a huge nationwide audience, and there wasn't a single musical misstep. All the music was great. Every single song, you just thought, I love this song.

And it excluded all the crap that we've had forced down our throats at these big events for years, like Spice Girls and Gary Barlow. It was just good stuff, wasn't it? It was all good, you know? Well, the good news is that the Spice Girls are reuniting for the closing ceremony. Are they really? Yes. Wow.

I like to think Daddy Boyle just left the room to go to the toilet. What did you guys do while I was gone? Nothing. Definitely nothing Splince Girls related, and then they winked at each other. I like the way it looks like a child. Graham, you were saying something to me

backstage that I kind of wanted to get into. Let's not talk about Ricky. Huh? No, no, nothing. Nope. He's talking about baseball legend Ricky Henderson. They work in the same industry. The baseball industry.

Let's talk about baseball. I know a bit about baseball. So you were saying, now in America, when I told everyone that I was, when I told people that I was going to London, kind of the reaction from the women that I told it to was like, oh god, I love those British men. I love the accents. bumps up whatever kind of attractiveness the guy has. You were telling me it goes the other way to where the allure of the American accent has a similar effect on the British woman. I think you're full of shit.

Yeah, no, I don't know. Some applause. I think the grass is always greener. You represent a childhood of watching attractive movie stars in films. And Muppet Babies. You know, so I really wouldn't – everyone thinks that where they're from is terrible. It's why over here when a show gets picked up by the States or gets remade,

everyone loses their shit over here. It's like, oh, our thing wasn't good enough, but now that it's going to be done in an American accent, maybe it'll finally hit those heights we were hoping. Anyway, this can be cut. A lot of this can be cut.

We're actually going to be doing a remake of this British version of our podcast starring Joel McHale back home in Los Angeles. Okay, good. Yeah. Well, I like Joel. Yeah, Richard Ayoade will be playing my part. Yes, of course.

In America, I'm known as the white Richard Ayoade. That's just because you're also Nigerian. Right, sure. is because you're also Nigerian. Right, sure. I sincerely want to know because there's a couple pretty ladies in the front row right here. Sorry,

handsome guys. Is an American accent, does it at all enhance attractiveness? Just pretend that these handsome homosexual gentlemen that you've come here with...

I've noted tight red pants on one and saddle shoes on the other, so I think I'm in safe territory. Is it anything? It's exotic, isn't it? It's exotic. Well, that's a pretty solid answer. Yeah, no, I get the impression. I like the way as well, this huge continent,

we talk about an American accent, a single American accent, which I think Hugh Laurie has nailed. He gets all the states in one go. He does all of them. Sometimes in the same sentence. Yeah, no, I guess I feel like, and maybe it's just because, you know,

in America we, you know, we consider, you know, the UK classier and sophisticated-er than us. Which I don't understand how that's even possible. You sound like Bill Murray. To be more sophisticated-er than the United States. But you all sound like Bill Murray. And everyone in the world would have sex with Bill Murray.

That is true. Bill Murray, as I somehow call him there. I guess when I speak to a British person, in my mind, what they're just hearing is, to a British person, in my mind, what they're just hearing is, brr, brr, brr, McDonald's. Just a string of nonsense followed by the word McDonald's.

Yeah. I don't know. You added out the bad stuff, really. Can we all agree, though, that whether we're from the UK or whether we're from the United States, we want to fuck Mel Gibson? Is that right? Did I get that right?

Maybe I'm late on that. There's been some Mel Gibson news, Jesse, that maybe you're not up on. Has there? Yeah. He's no longer America's sweetheart. Certain parts of America agree with him. How long have you not lived in London, and how long did you live in London before you stopped living in London?

Two-part question. Yeah. Two-part question told in six parts. 20 years and three weeks. 20 years in London, three weeks outside of London. So why did you leave? Three years in London, three weeks outside of London. So why did you leave?

Because we could afford a nice house outside of London. London's very expensive. You bought a castle. No, actually, you know what? It was also, I always liked London as a place to kind of be, but I never really liked London as a place to live. There's no one part of London I just think, this is it. This is where I want to be for the rest of my life.

You know? And so, yeah, that was it, really. What are we talking about? Seaside escape? Kind of, yeah. More like countryside. You know, I'm getting old, so... So you're in... The idea of hammock... I actually get aroused at the idea of a hammock. You know? I get a hammock boner. I mean, you're also

into country sports, right? You're a sporting man. No. Yeah, well, I croquet. Stop trying to put me on the sports. You and your beagle and your butler

head out into the fields. Shooting stick, where you have a stick that you sit on. Yes. That's very appealing on all sorts of levels. A hammock boner

is actually a sex position in America. A hammock boner and a stick to sit on. That's all I need. What you do is you tie your dick to a tree

and then Jimmy Buffett lays on it. Pop singer, Jimmy Buffett. Has it lived up to your hopes thus far? Yeah, it's really nice. It's only two hours away on the train.

I guess the only bad thing is I can't think of anything funny to say about it. I thought Hammock Boner was pretty solid. I think you can just go ahead and coast on Hammock Boner for a while. I don't think you really need to say anything funny for the whole rest of the show. I might try and get a round of applause for Hammock Boner

at some point. Do you guys got a standing ovation in you? No, no, no, let's not do that. I think you really need to say anything funny for the whole rest of the show. I might try and get a round of applause for Hammock Boner at some point. You guys got a standing ovation in you? No, no, no, let's not do that. I think you should. They'll be faking. They'll be faking pleasure at my Hammock Boner. Hey! Hey!

No, it's not. That was like a whore's applause. So for a couple of... It's kind of a little uncomfortable calling the audience a whore's applause. It's kind of a little uncomfortable calling the audience a whore while I'm sitting really close to them. Sorry, I pointed at you. I didn't mean to point at you. Oh, and guys, the money's on the dresser. The audience.

What do you recommend for two guys who are only in London for a couple more days? Is there something we definitely have to do? South Bank. Okay. That's beautiful. That's it. Great. No, I don't know. Maybe let's crowdsource it.

Should we hire some of those prostitutes we've been hearing about so much as we make pay telephone calls? What are pay telephone calls. I don't know. This might be just an... Are you advertising for prostitutes on international calls? No, no. Oh, in telephone booths. I saw a guy once standing in one of those

and just kind of madly ripping them all down. It was really weird. He was just kind of... I thought, all down. It was really weird. He was just kind of... I thought, wow, he must have just got off a plane, because they're everywhere. And he was like... It was great.

I feel like there may have been... Go and see that guy, if you can. I feel like there may have been some sort of meeting where the county council or something like that said, hey, we don't need pay telephones anymore. Everyone on earth has a cell phone. People in Africa that don't have radios have cell phones now. And then someone else said, but where will I advertise my prostitutes?

There's some sort of unspoken rule that prostitution advertisement is acceptable, nay encouraged, but only in the context of London's iconic telephone booths It's for that kind of casual foot traffic guy who

just thinks he has to make a phone call and goes in and just suddenly becomes incredibly aroused They're very arousing They're very sexy, aren't they? has to make a phone call and goes in and just suddenly becomes incredibly aroused. They're very arousing and they're very sexy, aren't they? They're sexy. And they want to meet us. So the flyer said.

I think it's disconcerting for a visitor to London because it is such an iconic sort of London thing, the red telephone booth. It's like if you went such an iconic sort of London thing, the red telephone booth. It's like if you went into the Tower of London and there were strippers.

Yes, yes. Absolutely. Sorry, I have nothing funny or to add to that. I went to Buckingham Palace and the queen gave me a really hard sell on a table dance. She's a little rude about it. That's what I didn't like. Sorry,

we did not mean to offend you. H.R.H., the queen, offered him a table dance. Excuse me, I'm clearing my throat. It's okay. That's good.

That's fine. Yeah, gosh. So yeah, I kind of even maybe even just considered that that was a thing here for the Olympics, that like, you know, the flood of visitors to Britain is like, well, I want to, you know, I definitely want to see Buckingham Palace. I want to see the gangs, of course.

And I want to have sex with the British. Yes. Buckingham Palace, everybody. I'm right on it. Where are the standing ovations, people? If not for Fucking Ham Palace, what will you people give a standing ovation for? Roger Federer.

Kevin Federline. Roger Federer. Yeah. Rogering means sex. It can't mean sex. That's pretty solid. So, you know, Jesse, I got to not to draw you back into Olympic talk again, but we are here. Really, sports is all we know about.

Yeah. Sports is our area of expertise and interest. We are here to see a friend of ours and a listener to the show compete in the modern pentathlon. Her name is Donna Vicalis. She is a Canadian girl who, if anybody doesn't know this, she called our show on a segment called Momentous Occasions. And her momentous occasion was that she had, on the same day, been admitted to graduate school and found out that she was going to be on the Canadian Olympic team. Ah, okay. And she hadn't applied or anything?

In Canada, it's random. Because I would hate that. I would hate that. I'm beginning to think I got away with it this year. They do it by lottery. Because if they haven't called me by now, I really don't think so. Yeah, what they do is they come in five in the morning, rouse you from your bed, and just put that pole vault pole in your hand.

You go, go, go, go, go! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, I don't know where I'm going! A lot of impalings happen that way. A lot of impalings. It was originally just a... On the tube, ah! Where do I go?

Where do I vault? It was originally just a way of handling vagrant teens. You know, like teens, uncontrollable teens, incorrigible teens. Put them in the pentathlon. Yeah, exactly. They'll straighten them out. Just some big Samoan guys would come at five o'clock in the morning, wake them up, and then they would

be dragged off to the discus. Yes. That's like that great Seinfeld joke about the luge. My favorite, one of my favorite ever jokes where he says the luge, you know the luge. My favorite, one of my favorite ever jokes, where he says, the luge. You know the luge? The single man on the thing? He says, it's the one sport that would be exactly the same

if the guy doing it was doing it against his will. That is a brilliant observation about the luge. Hey, you're in the luge. Sorry, I tried to do a bit of Seinfeld there. That's a pretty good Seinfeld. I mean, the truth is that is a really solid impression.

If I could do an impression half that good of Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, you need the air shot. So the modern pentathlon is five events. It's running, swimming, shooting, fencing,

and horseback riding. Yeah, and you've never ridden the horse before. That's like an essential part of it. It was put together actually by a British guy, Lord something or other. Lord Shropshire, I don't know. Oh, of the fucking ham Shropshires. Who wanted to create an event that recreated the experience of a soldier. Of being alive.

Just the majesty of the universe. Like how there's so many fucking stars, man. Also, you're on acid when you do it. Yeah, that's the other key ingredient. What he wanted to recreate was a soldier bringing a message back from the front. So you shoot until you're out of bullets and then you fight them off with a sword. Then you run,

you swim, and you ride a horse that you've never ridden before. You rustle a steel horse. It's a very complicated thing to create for what is functionally just a random collection of athletic activities. They should add the BMX bit to it.

Oh, yeah. Because why not? I saw that the other day. I couldn't believe that's actually an event. BMXing is an event. I know. It's not just a movie from 1985. I didn't even realize that BMXing still existed.

I really thought it's as though they made Pet Rock an event in the Olympics. And is it a thing that the bikes have to be really small so it's like an adult on a child's bike? That's what I was wondering, because they race the BMX bikes, right? Yeah, over a certain amount of hills. Is there an Olympic standard

to the amount of bumps and hills? Do you know what I mean? Well, I marvel. I was marveling at the fact that they have all of these sort of natural outdoor sports that they have in the Olympics, like whitewater rafting, mountain biking, BMXing, that kind of thing. But if you're just in a country where the best you could hope for is a gentle hill covered in grasses, they have to build a mountain to bike on out of rocks. Yes, yes. Well, that was the cool runnings problem and why it's such a memorable film.

The cool runnings thing is really good. I mean, really, the example of the Cool Runnings, it's an unlikely film because it's like, oh, something that no one thought they could do, they weren't able to do. That's the lesson of Cool Runnings. And when they carry the thing at the end, which I use as a little, every time anyone does something really annoying on the internet

or something that I think is actually very easy, I post a clip of everybody starting to do the slow clap. Because I just think, well, you know, I could carry it in with a few friends. Do you agree? you don't make a movie out of me sorry

there's real real resentment coming through a lot of John Candy fans in the audience the actual Irish bobsled team is here and they don't like you

they don't like you mocking the thing that they do they are very drunk too that is very drunk I mean that was just the theme

an unlikely group of people failing to do the thing that you'd think they wouldn't be able to do. Yeah. It was the theme of... If every film was about that, it would be,

wow, can you imagine? Yeah, like at the end of Snow Dogs, they all just die of frostbite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or in Die Hard, Bruce Willis is just

shot very early on. It sounds like you guys... Jaws ends with that woman dying at the start. I know you guys haven't read my screenplay, but I will thank you to stop shitting on Fat Guy Marathon. The thing that I guess I was thinking of as we read about the sort of absurd, arbitrary combination of events in the pentathlon was if maybe we should just create some pentathlons. Like we should just have our own pentathlon. Yeah, I think if we can just come up with a random collection of five things, it has

as good a chance of getting in the Olympics as this one does. It has to have as strong a thematic connection as does the modern pentathlon, which is to say it has to have a theme, sort of like soldier bringing a message back from the front lines. Maybe

we should sing it. Maybe it should be a song? No, no, no. Sorry. Love theme for modern pentathlon. No. Okay. So yeah, we were thinking of some... You probably have some examples.

We do have some. If you're wondering, have we written jokes, the answer sadly is no. But we do have some premises that we've thought of. So we were thinking maybe a fun pentathlon would be the dad pentathlon. Yeah, because I recently become a dad. You're a dad as

well, right? You have more than one child. Yes, I do. How many childs do you have? I have two childs. Right. Sounds so smart when you Europeans say it. Well, we do say children. So I was thinking maybe kind of the first event in the dad pentathlon, untangling Christmas lights.

I don't know if you go for speed. Yeah, I guess speed. It's a speed round. There's a plastic tub in the attic. They have to get that down. Well, first they have to make it up into... They have to get themselves through this hole into the attic.

Yeah, yeah. That's always exciting. Oh, man, you know what? I just started thinking about what my pentathlon should be and I didn't listen at all to what you were saying. Untangling Christmas lights. You kind of looked at me there

like I might continue on the thought, but really I have no idea what you're saying. We're talking about the dad pentathlon. The dad pentathlon, yes. I think... Dad dancing? Oh, yeah. Maybe we can just specific that up a little bit into

drunk wedding dancing. Drunk wedding dancing, yeah. To Van Morrison songs, specifically. Yeah. Coming in and saying, what are you doing? Coming in and leaning on the ground and saying, what's everyone doing? And then everyone answers, and you realize you didn't really care, and then leave it. Or sitting... That's broadly, that one is actually, that's a judged event, judged on the extent to which the dad has checked out.

Yeah. There's also the thing of maybe I don't know what, maybe rowing could be like you know, getting up with the kids on a Saturday morning and turning on cartoons and ignoring them for two hours. Yeah, because it's an endurance event.

Everyone knows I'm really active on Twitter at about eight on a Saturday. For two hours, I'm just so fascinated in what's going on in the world. That's because I'm ignoring my children. And yet, I think as an entertainment industry guy and a comic, you can kind of pass that off

as like, I need to be active on Twitter for my job. My manager said I have to. There is kind of a justification for the dicking around. Yes, half need to be active on Twitter for my job. My manager said I have to. There is a kind of a justification for the dicking around. Half my life is spent on Twitter and half my life is spent justifying that as part of my job. I think if you're not in show business, you just

have to tell your wife, at least I'm not jacking off. I'm afraid that doesn't work. I sit at a computer all day. Because you jack off to Twitter, is that correct? There's some pretty sexy avatars out there. Some people are very provocative. What about flirting with waitresses?

As part of the dad pentathlon. Yeah, for the dad pentathlon. Yeah, kind of embarrassingly flirting with a waitress. Yeah, I think it's judged. Definitely a judged event. They ask if you want to see the dessert menu, and you say, I'll have a look. That's a pretty high level move.

Yeah, that's a 3.5 difficulty. That's not quite flirting. That's more like flirting with the dessert. I'll have a look and then I'll stick my dick in the chocolate. Tort. And then I think, yeah, then I think the final event could just be tort fucking.

Or tort reform. As we call it in the States. Yeah. That's when you help the tort get back on its feet. Right, yeah. After you've fucked it. It's been fucked by everybody.

So you're running a train on this tort. You're imagining. A dirty tort. It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none The money's on the treasure. So you're running a train on this torch. You're imagining. Dirty torch. It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none when it comes to fucking torchs. Okay, so I think we have our five events. We have Untangling Christmas Lights. One. Coming in and saying, what are you guys up to?

And then checking out immediately afterwards. And then immediately checking out. Yeah. Turning on cartoons and ignoring the kids. Right, that's the endurance event. Awkward waitress flirting and tort fucking. Yeah, so that's five. That's really solid.

There you go, the dad modern pentathlon. IOC, get with it. You know what? We can't actually give suggestions to the IOC because we're sponsored by Warm Fanta. It's just the rules. Conflict of interest. What about assholes?

Yeah, I think assholes should probably have their own pentathlon. Yeah, I mean I think ruining dinner could be one. Like something, like a group dinner. What happens is... Just saying. Yeah.

Just saying. Yeah, like it's like a group dinner. It's two couples. One of them is a competitor. One of the people is a competitor. And they have to find a way to make the other couple so uncomfortable that they excuse themselves and go home. I like that.

I like that. Maybe YouTube video comment leaving, I think, is definitely a skill that any asshole has to have. That's definitely one. Like, can you be homophobic and racist in the same sentence? Like, that's a high-level move.

I love pretending I'm an asshole with my wife. If ever I find myself walking ahead of her... She loves it, too, by the way. If ever I find myself walking ahead of her... She loves it too, by the way. If ever I find myself walking ahead of her and I have a... I've finished a bottle of Evian water or something, I'll just chuck it over my shoulder. And it always freaks her out. Every time

she thinks I'm really doing it. Or I'll spit on my child. She always falls for that one. The child? I didn't really spit on her. Well, no, I did, but I'm just pretending. I think we have child spitting. That's one.

That's a good event, I think. What is the English type of... What are the types of assholes that you have here? Because I think... I really wonder. We presumed that because of the number of guys that we saw in Ed Hardy t-shirts walking down the street that looked like real dicks,

we presumed that that was what a dick is like in England. I saw a guy walking down the street once talking about littering, and he had a piece of white styrofoam that was like a you know, the size of a book. Yeah, okay. And he was just, he was talking to a friend

and he was just ripping bits off it and just chucking them around like some kind of anti-fairy. Just chucking shit all over the place but over it must have taken hours and miles he's doing this for the archaeologists of the future he wants to be remembered

yeah, no, it was very odd that was kind of like, he actually put a lot of thought into, how can I be a real asshole, you know I'll get a piece of styrofoam, because then I can litter for hours I actually got I did that a guy was talking to a friend styrofoam because then I can litter for hours. I actually got, I

did that, a guy was talking to a friend, shook the bottle onto the road and I had that thing because it happened so close to me and my brain didn't say, don't do anything. I picked it up and I said, I'll put this in the bin for you, will I?

And I put it in the bin and walked away. And then my brain went, you could have been killed for ages afterwards. And I actually was shaking when I realized how stupid it was. That guy got on his mobile phone, called his buddy, and told him that he just got burned by the creator of the IT crowd.

Yes, I have that kind of recognition. I mean, in the litter bug community. Yeah, they love the litterbug community yeah you're huge do you have we're american and we live in a classless society but as i understand it there are i mean you guys have you still have like landed gentry is still a thing rather than just a catchphrase? Are there rich guy assholes here? Is that a thing? Are there guys that bring their shotgun and their beagles through the streets of London or something wearing breeks?

I don't know. Being Irish, I'm only a observer, a wry observer of all of this. And you have a natural fondness for it as an Irishman. Yeah, yeah. We always like to see them getting nearer. But, you know, no, I don't know. I think the...

Actually, it's really weird, but the current conservative administration, they used to be part of a group called the Bullingdon Club, and they're kind of famous for destroying restaurants. What? Yeah, and then chucking some money at the owners to make up for it. Really? So we've got some real assholes in power.

You just threw this away. Thank you for this thing about... That would have just turned me into Ben Elton. I don't know who that is. I don't know. I mean, I kind of know what you're talking about. I mean, our conservative

party is very similar. I think recently Mitt Romney used too many napkins at an Outback Steakhouse. Yeah. So, we get it. We get it. We know those rowdy conservatives. Romney, didn't he shave a guy's head?

Oh, yeah. Oh, he totally did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think you're going to have biff for president from Back to the Future. Yeah, I mean... Vote for biff. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, he's just going to call America chicken. Yeah, exactly. And get us all riled up. But it's a deeper thing with that, because it's not just being a bully. It's also that he, it just seems like he's a little bit too young to have directly engaged in that part of the culture war through physical violence. engaged in that part of the culture war through physical violence. Like, the idea... Because this must have been...

He's only 55-ish. He's not a 70-year-old. So this must have been in the 70s that he was shaving the heads of long hairs. Yeah, but doesn't that make sense? What was he listening to? Just the Ballad of the Green Berets?

But he wasn't shaving one of Jefferson Airplane. It was just some guy. You didn't know that? There are private schools in the United States, which is what you would call public schools, are conglomerations of

the children of the financial elite and also acid rock bands. Members of acid rock bands. Absolutely. They all get together to play the thing where you have the stick lacrosse. All right. There we go.

I can't pick up on it. I love it when you do a joke and I can't pick up on it. I have nothing. Lacrosse is a North American sport, isn't it? It got invented in Canada. I think it's Is lacrosse... Lacrosse is a North American sport, isn't it? It got invented in Canada. I think it's been as lacrosse. No idea.

Yeah. So wait. So, I mean, I think we've come to the end of this asshole pentathlon. What do we have? Littering. Littering. Destroying a restaurant. Right.

YouTube comment leaving. Shaving a long hair leaving Shaving a long hair Shaving a long hair Sayin' just sayin' Sayin' just sayin' Sayin' just sayin' That's five That's beautiful

No terrific Two new pentathlons Yeah if you're listening Kofi Annan Who I presume Runs the Olympics Then have I got news for you Kofi Annan doesn't listen

To us regularly But he listens to Marin every week. Every week. I love listening to Marin. Did you hear the one with Carlos Mencia? That was a great impression. That was like having them in the room. But was it as good as your Seinfeld?

No. Together, you guys have a great SNL audition. Yeah, yeah. You get combined. What is Kofi Annan and Seinfeld we're on a talk show hosted by a foreigner did you ever notice I got your gay restaurant joke

wait for my Kofi Annan joke oh sorry okay I have another joke about brown sauce I know did you ever notice how the Russians are always blocking your major peace treaties? That's what Jerry Seinfeld, Kofi Annan says. What's your gay restaurant joke? Oh, just the steak was fabulous.

Thank you. Always nice to get a round of applause from the one person sitting on the opposite side to the audience. Listen, we actually have a quiz game that we'd like to play with you, Graham. Yep, absolutely. Since you are an Irish person, we thought we would pit you against an Englander, which I believe is what they're called,

in a game that we're calling The Yankoff. There is a hilarious slide that goes with it. I don't know if we'll ever make it there, though. Trust us. The slide's pretty fun. No, this slide is gorgeous. I made it myself. I'm a gifted graphic designer.

I certainly didn't just type America into Google Images, take the first thing that came up, and then write Yankov at the top. Didn't or did? Oh, right. Did. Sorry. You did do that. You did do that.

Sorry. So, yeah, I think we need someone. Divided by a common language. Am I right? We need someone. Right. We need someone to represent The UK

Is anybody Is there a Londoner A British person Who wants to Play against Graham Anybody out there Our friend Saddleshoes Looks like he wants to

Take on Graham Linehan No that's better Yeah Come on up Come on up How about a round of applause For a gentleman Kindly

Just a quick Scottish question Come on up. How about a round of applause for a gentleman kindly... Just a quick Scottish question. I hear maybe there's new Loch Ness monster photos. Have you heard that? Have you been keeping up with important developments in Scottish culture? I'm guessing they were probably taken by an American. Oh, slam. We do love monsters. We do love monsters. We do love monsters.

We're monster lovers. We're real monster lovers. Sir, what's your name? Matt. Matt, thank you so much for volunteering. Thank you so much for coming to the program. It's been a pleasure. Do you think you know a lot about America?

Are you a fan? Fan? Bits of it. Bits of it. Bits of it. The culture, yes. The politics, perhaps not. Okay. Sure. I can understand. Well, there's a lot to love in American culture. Sure. Richard Simmons.

Wasn't sure if anyone would know who that was. It's not who Jordan bases his hair on. The what? It's not who you base your hair on. Matt! Quit burning people! It's not your job base your hair on. Matt! Quit burning people! It's not your job. That classic Scottish wit. I can't stand your barbs. It's not your job to come up here and do burns.

We have the most legendary burn artist of all time on stage with us, Graham Linehan, the creator of the IT Crowd. This is a guy who walks the streets burning people, and they just call their friend to tell them they just got burned by him. We don't need some Scotsman thinking he's Mr. Burns. Ba-doom!

Keep it under your kilt, buddy. Popular Scottish surname and garment. So here, what we are doing today in the Yankoff is we have a category. We have a category of American things. Yeah. One of them is a real thing in that category,

and the other two are just some shit we made up. It's your guys' goal to find the real one. Okay. And to weed out the shit we made up. I'll tell you how it works. Keep listening. The Irish, am I right? The only thing worse is the Scots.

Round of applause. This is how this thing is going to work. I'm going to start with you, Graham. I was going to start with Matt, who's the guest and kindly volunteered to come up here, until he started burning people left and right. Burninating. And I lost my taste for doing nice things for Matt. That's what happens when you put people on blast.

It usually happens fastest. So I'm going to give you three categories. You're going to pick one, and then Jordan will give you three choices, two of which we just made up and one of which is real. Your job is to guess what's real. So in the first round, here are your three categories. Minor league baseball teams, state parks, or reality shows. So pick one of those.

Reality shows. Okay. Two of these are fake. One is real. Okay. Shrimp boat assholes. Here comes Honey Boo Boo. Suck off. Here comes Honey Boo Boo.

That is right. You're absolutely correct. That is an upcoming reality show on American television. Okay, Matt, you've got minor league baseball teams and state parks. State parks. Okay, Jordan. Sad Old Tree State Park. Archibald Pothole State Park. Point Break State Park.

I'm going to go for Archibald Pothole. That is correct. State Park. I'm going to go for Archibald Pothole. That is correct. That's absolutely correct for one point. All that's left for you, Graham, is minor league

baseball teams. Okay. Albuquerque Isotopes, Butte Mudskippers, Nashville Speedballs. I'll go for the first one, the isotopes. That is correct. That's absolutely correct.

They're actually doing impressively well. They're doing great. Do you want to handle round two's categories? I will. We'll start with Matt, I guess. Matt, heavy metal bands, chain restaurants, or music festivals? Heavy metal bands. Ugh.

Matt's totally metal. You can tell by his saddle shoes. Here's the choices. Relentless Inferno, Killswitch Engage, or Neapolitan Ice Cream? Killswitch Engage. Killswitch, that is right. That's absolutely correct.

Wow. It's a real pitcher's duel. Matt got real arrogant as soon as the subject of metal bands came up. I was a metal kid, I'm afraid. Oh, wait. Did I say as soon as the subject of metal bands came up? He got real arrogant throughout the presentation.

Graham, you have chain restaurants or music festivals? I'll go for chain restaurants. Okay. Bubba Gump's Shrimp Company, Gorge Emporium, Gorge Emporium, or Tchotchkes.

This is a pure guess. Tchotchkes? Oh, no, that's incorrect. Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Is a real restaurant based on the movie Forrest Gump. Wow, okay. Because someone saw Forrest Gump and thought that would make a great chain restaurant. Yeah, okay. Wow.

Man, we only have music festivals left for you. So you'll take it. Bumbershoot, Pooter Toot, or Cooter Clute? What was the first one? Bumbershoot. Pooter Toot, or Cooter Clute? What was the first one? Bumbershoot. Pootertoot.

Or cooterclute. I'm going to go for bumbershoot. You're absolutely correct. Wow. What was that last category? Sorry. Cooterclute. No, no.

What was the last category? I honestly can't remember. Funny words. So the others aren't funny words. No, they are not funny. Music festivals was the category there. They can work as porno titles as well. They all sound like porno titles.

Read them again. That gives... Bumbershoot. Bumbershoot, that's porn. Read them again, pooter toot. Don't throw me in the briar patch. Cuter cloot. Cuter cloot. Cuter cloot.

That all sounds like a fun evening. Matt has the lead 3-2 going into our final round. So this one is, we'll start with you, Graham. Your categories are cars, members of the Baseball Hall of Fame,

and holidays. Cars, Members of the Baseball Hall of Fame, and Holidays. I'll go for Members of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Goose Gelson, Pie Traynor, R.P. Fartzenberry. What was that last one, Jordan? I didn't quite hear you. Cuterclute. Goose. It's actually

Pytranor. I'm sorry. Pytranor. Okay. This one's for you, Matt. You've got a choice between cars and holidays. Remember, this is for the dignity of a nation. Of an undignified nation. I think I've blown that already.

Cars. The Chrysler Amigo. The AMC Gremlin. The Ford Ultra Car. Do you want to hear that last one again? I want to hear the first one again. Cuter Clues. Chrysler Amigo, AMC Gremlin, Ford Ultra Car.

I'm going to go for the Amigo. No, it's the AMC Gremlin is the real one. AMC Gremlin. Like the Garth Mobile. The Garth Mobile in Wayne's World. Did that not make it here? It's an AMC Gremlin. Well, there's only one left.

You can save it all, because this one's worth two points, I guess. It's more dramatic that way. Please just go with it, audience. Holidays. Okay. Arbor Day, Barber Day, or Harbor Day? Which one's not real? Which one is real?

Oh, which one is real? Arbor Day? Barber Day? You've actually been doing pretty well considering you misunderstood the whole premise of the game. Barber Day. Arbor Day. I'm sorry, Graham. Day. Arbor Day. I'm sorry, Graham.

It's Arbor Day. It's a day for trees. Looks like we've got a champion. Congratulations to Scotland and Matt. Thank you so much, Matt. I'm sorry. You can sit back down now.

That was fun. That was a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. We learned that Scotland is better than Ireland. And we learned that the best country is America because of this fucking eagle. Oh, there it is. That is nice. Good work,

Colin. Well, Graham, we sure appreciate you taking the time to be on Jordan, Jesse, go. I had no idea when I asked you that it was a two-hour train ride. I never would have asked you. No, it's fine. The good news is that once this podcast hits American podcast internet,

your ratings for your British television shows are going to go through the roof. Good. Thank you very much. Graham Linehan, ladies and gentlemen. Let's all just think about it. That's all for us. Yeah, thanks. Think about hammock boner one more time, right?

Hammock boner? What'd you say? I said let's think about hammock boner one more time. Let's hear it for hammock boner, ladies and gentlemen! Yes! Yeah! Thank you.