Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 237: Oosh Bang Tidy

Episode Date: August 20, 2012

Jordan and Jesse sit down to discuss subcontinental prostitutes, Turkish Delights, Paris is Burning and their trip to the Olympics in London.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're flying solo or I guess duo. We talk about what happened at the London Olympics, which we went to and hugged the lady that was in it. And also the Battle of the Ironclad Warships. Well, let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

You asked for it, folks. Did people ask you for this? What are we giving them? We're giving them a show without guests. Oh, yes. Or it's just us. It's a peek inside our hearts. Yeah, yeah.

Let's say it was because of audience demand. And not because Nate DiMeo got food poisoning. Yes. Let's go ahead and just make like this is... As long as we're pretending that Nate DiMeo didn't get food poisoning, can we pretend that we and not he got nominated for the Thurber Prize for American Humor? Sure. Because we wrote that Parks and Recreation book, Pawnee whatever. Yeah.

I mean, as long as we're just pretending stuff. And can we also host the Memory Palace? I guess. We want to. It's a great show. I mean, as long as we're just spinning fanciful yarns, can we shoot a little higher? Then hosting one of the best podcasts out there? Yeah, like maybe we own trains.

Each have our own train? Yeah, like our own train. Do they have luxury cars in them? I mean, it's your train, man. It's your imagination train. What kind of train is your train? That's like a battle train. Whoa.

Yeah, it's like kind of an alternate civil war. Yeah, it's like kind of an alternate Civil War. Because it's kind of a, you know, a universe where, you know, some like future technology is in the Civil War. And there's a lot more train tracks. Yeah, yeah. Just really easy to access. Right, you can just drive it onto any battlefield, basically. Well, it also has a hover function.

Oh. So, yeah, yeah. So, it's got some like lasers and stuff, but everything's still steam powered. Okay, so this is like a steampunk-type fantasy that you have here. Yes. You've always been a steampunk. I have. I'm a member of the League of Steam. Does it look a little bit less like the train that we might imagine,

a little bit more like the Monitor and the Merrimack? Oh, don't know what that is. You know, the iron ships of the Civil War, the Monitor and the Merrimack? Oh, don't know what that is. You know, the iron ships of the Civil War, the Monitor and the Merrimack. Oh, sure. The iron-clad ships. Oh, yeah. I thought that was maybe an old-timey gin.

I don't know. I guess maybe the train looks like gin. Mine is like a colonial luxury train. It has a lot of velvet appointments that's great and a lot of subcontinental prostitutes oh terrific what counts as subcontinental i think that's india india and pakistan yeah well i mean they're well schooled in the erotic arts. You ever read that Kama Sutra? Woof. They'll jack you off with their feet. On your luxury train.

Just don't get anything on the velvet. Right, yeah. Well, you know what? There's the thing about these near-east prostitutes. Right. A lot of control. Oh. They can control. Oh.

They can control the angle and velocity of a man's jism. Wow. Yeah. And then the man can sit back, relax, and enjoy some marzipan fruits. Sure. Absolutely. That's what they serve on my tray. Right.

I actually hate marzipan, but I still want to have at least some marzipan fruits. Yeah. No, I mean, that's fine. I think that's reasonable. I mean, I don't like absinthe, but if I had a luxury train, I would want it to have absinthe. What's that thing that the fat kid from the Chronicles of Narnia always wants to eat? Turkish delights? Yeah, there's a lot of Turkish delights on this train. God, I don't know what this is.

Whenever I was reading the Narnia books as a kid and they talked about Turkish delights, I just pictured a brown cube. You pictured bouillon? Yeah, I think I did. I think that is what I imagined he was eating. What is a Turkish delight? I don't know. I had a terrible imagination as a kid. I think Brian over there is looking up Turkish delights.

I think it's some kind of candied fruit chunks or something like that. Or like candied figs. God. It's one of those candies from before they figured out how to make candy that didn't suck. It's some sort of like goose heart. Like a sugared goose heart. What is a Turkish delight? I bet that's something one of those Indian prostitutes would do to you.

Yeah. Brian says it's old timey candy that is actually in a brown cube. But what is it made of, Brian? Come on, Fernandez. Get on this. Yeah. Yeah. this is disgusting chopped dates pistachios walnuts and hazelnuts bound by gel huh well it's fucking disgusting i wonder if i no one wants to eat that right i wonder why i knew it was a brown cube but but also thought i didn't know what it was did you watch that chronicles of

narnia movie where um where the guy is dressed up as the beaver? No, uh-uh. You know what I'm talking about? This is an older, this is not one of the recent ones. This is the live action line, The Witch in the Wardrobe. Oh, no, uh-uh. Some people dressed up as beavers. No, uh-uh.

Oh, this thing's tremendous. Is it good? Solid, solid rock. How does it stack up? It sounds like it would kind of be in the same league as that early Hitchhiker's Guide movie. I have not seen the early Hitchhiker's Guide movie. It is charmingly

low budget. Really? Yeah, it's a little tough to watch. I heard the radio drama. Not that I was a nerd as a child. No, of course not. Jesse, we all checked out the audio tapes from the library. Right. There's a BBC one.

And yeah, this is like, you know, just, you know, think of that old Battlestar Galactica show. Yeah. And then scale it back a couple thousand dollars. Like a Doctor Who type situation? Oh, yeah. No, exactly. That's a great way to describe it. Yeah, it does have the same kind of aesthetic and production value.

Trash cans, spray painted silver. Yes, absolutely. That sort of thing. Yeah, it does have the same kind of aesthetic and production value. Trash cans, spray-painted silver. Yes, absolutely. That sort of thing. Yeah. You know what's great? People reacting to lasers that are coming at a different angle than what they're reacting to. I was just going to compliment The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That's great.

You know what? That shit's really funny. Yeah. If you're 13, too, that shit will blow your mind. You're like, wait, books are funny? Yeah. And then it turns out, no, they're not. Just that one. blow your mind. You're like, wait, books are funny? Yeah. And then it turns out, no, they're not. Just that one.

Just that one. That's the only one. Yeah. And then someone will tell you about how funny David Foster Wallace is, and you'll read several David Foster Wallace books waiting for something to be funny. And at the end you're like, no, he just has unusually long sentences. Yeah. That is pretty funny though and

some insights sure tons of insights not really he's not funny yeah oh the the deep thoughts books those are funny those are funny man i would just sit in my room as a kid and read the deep thoughts by jack handy books like just front to back and just kind of laugh like a maniac. And I think I definitely remember my mom being bothered by that behavior. Like wondering what I was doing. Jordan, I've met your mom a few times. She couldn't be a nicer lady. Sure. And I am really, really fascinated and interested in the things that bothered your mom

because you were enjoying them too much or they were too something. Yeah. No, I think my mom, my mom was just concerned about stuff that was weird. I think she just had never, you know, I think she, you know, grew up. I was going to say typically, but I guess it wasn't super typical. But I think she just never like just culturally never got into any like counterculture stuff. She grew up on a boat.

Right. It was a Chinese junk. A Chinese war junk. She grew up on the monitor or maybe it was the Miramac. Yeah. No, I think my mom just had never gotten to any, like, countercultural stuff. Like, she never, like, during the 60s... Uh, God, I know. Yeah, what's the lamest thing you would

listen to in the 60s? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't really either. Like, anyway, I can't think of a poll for that. The Doors? Oh, yeah. I think that's 70s, and that would be, like, something that I hit. That's the 60s? The Doors are in the 60s? I don't know.

Come on, Morris. Who cares? Who cares? It's bad. Oh, I hate the doors. The doors are the worst. I hate the doors. Ugh.

Yeah, God, like. Right now, Ray Manzarek is writing us a letter. Dear Mr. Messieurs Morris and Thorn. That's his letter. He's just, he's typing it on a Hammond organ. Him playing it on the organ. Messieurs Morris and Thorn. That's his letter. He's typing it on a Hammond organ. Him playing it on the organ. Lizard King.

Yeah. So, yeah, I think my mom just never, like, you know, she never saw weird movies or, you know, listened to weird music. So when I wanted to do that, she was just concerned, I think, because she didn't understand it. I think the reason that this fascinates me specifically is that, I mean, I think that you and I have grown up to be a very similar amount of countercultural. Sure. To the extent that we're countercultural, which is maybe five or six out of ten. Yeah, that's fair. the extent that we're countercultural, which is maybe five or six out of 10. Yeah, that's fair.

But we came at it from such different angles. Yeah. Because your mom wouldn't, the thing that I always remember, and I've probably said on the air before, is your mom didn't want you to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse because it was too weird. Sure. And I think she felt similarly about deep thoughts. She'd say, what are you reading? And then I would read her one um for instance if there's two guys flippy and hamboed

which one do you think likes dolphins more you might think it's flippy but you're wrong it's hamboed and then i would just laugh for 10 minutes i think yeah so she oh watch for pretty rocks. All to get out of writing a stupid letter. Yeah, so I think that, you know, yeah, I think she knew that I wasn't a bad kid, but just worried because she didn't understand that and was worried what it was getting at. My mom watched Pee Wee's Playhouse with me. That was the thing that we did together every week was watch Pee Wee's Playhouse with me every, that was the thing that we did together every week was watch Pee-wee's Playhouse. Um, and I remember I did not want to go to Pee-wee's Big Adventure and I was pretty young when it came out. So, you know, I, I can see how I wouldn't have been, you know, it's a, it's more a movie for 10 year olds than it is a movie for five or six year

olds, however old I was when it came out. And my mom insisted that we go. I mean, it ended up being my favorite movie as a kid, but yeah, my mom and I would watch it every week together because Fridays were, my parents, the split was 50-50 except for every Friday night I spent with my mom. So Saturday mornings, me and my mom would watch Pee Wee's Playhouse and she insisted upon it. And the amount to which I am unusual or countercultural has always been a great disappointment to my mom. Yeah.

She would like you to be. She would like me. Number one, she was always dismayed that I never did any drugs. Yeah. That was always a big bummer to her. Sure. Because she thought drugs were really fun when she took them. Right.

She always... She thinks your consciousness isn't expanded enough. Yeah. I mean, I have joked before that... I joked once somewhere that my mom wished I was gay and it made her feel bad. But the truth is that she did wish... No, I think she was fine with the fact that I was straight. But we on multiple occasions had that conversation where your enlightened parent lets you know that it would be okay if you were gay and wanted to come out.

Sure. And that didn't stop happening until I had a girlfriend that it was apparent that I was sleeping with. Gotcha. You know that it's you weren't just braiding each other's hair. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Yeah. No I did have long beautiful hair at the time. Yeah. Right. And cornrows. I had Allen Iverson style cornrows. Oh that was a do you not still you think going back to that at all? I have thought about it. I have. Of course I would have to get a weave

because of my receding hairline. But I think it might be worth it. I passed a few weave places just on the way over here. I think you could probably do it on your way home today. The next time I'm in San Francisco, I'm going to stop by my favorite

barber shop, Hair Jordan, Steve-O Styles, and get a weave put in first. Then have it styled into cornrows. I'm going to get a natural weave. The weave is going to look like a natural, and I'm going to get it styled into cornrows.

That's great. Thank you. Is there a pre-cornrowed weave you can get? I mean, it seems like maybe you could save a step. But I'm going for, I want verisimilitude. Oh, okay. That's fair. Yeah. That's fair.

I mean, you're paying for it. Absolutely. I'm paying for it out of my pocket. And this is not inexpensive. Right. Because there's a lot of territory to cover up there. And also, my existing hair is unsuitable. Ah.

So... So it's not even going to be like a 50-50 thing? No, it's going to be like a Patti LaBelle type situation. Okay. It's just going to be a full-on... They're just going to staple the hair to your skull. Tina Turner. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I'm going to come out with hair that you would... Not only that I did not have going in... But your scalp will be bleeding. ...but that you would have never imagined I could have. Gotcha. You know what I mean? That sounds like it's going to be beautiful.

A great lion's mane of hair. That's great. That has then been cornrowed like Allen Iverson. Okay. Remember when people were upset? Maybe you don't even remember who Allen Iverson is. Vaguely. But when Allen Iverson was playing early in his career for the Sixers,

I remember him having cornrows and people being against that because it signaled encroaching gangsterism in basketball. Oh, yeah, yeah. Really? Interesting. I think that's just encroaching racism in you. Racism in you. Yeah, I feel like I remember when, like, yeah, it seems like that comes out of the same mania that was worried that people would get shot at screenings of Boys in the Hood. Yes.

Which they did. Yes. A few times. But the fact that, like, oh, the existence of Boys in the Hood is what causes people to be shot. Well, I mean. No, that's true. I don't think anyone was shot pre-Boys in the Hood. No, that was one of the first shootings. I was about 10 or 11 when Boys in the Hood came out.

I guess people would point to World War II, the Civil War, like all the wars that happened before Boys in the Hood. But what people don't know is that those wars, the only deaths were by bludgeonings. Right, exactly. They had guns, but they just used them as bludgeons. They would turn them around and use them. Look, you know what I'm talking about.

Right. I don't need to tell you about what wars were and weren't filled with bludgeonings. Look, if you think I don't know about the Civil War, check yourself. Because earlier, I delivered an eloquent lesson on the subject of the Monitor and the Merrimack. That's true. And I thought it was gin. So what do I know? Did the Monitor fight the Merrimack?

Brian Fernandez on the board says definitely he thinks the Monitor fought the Merrimack. I think they did too. And then one of them sank in high seas. Are you thinking of Mothra? The Merrimack fought Mothra. How come more of this steampunk culture that's going on does not center on ironclad warships? Why is it so obsessed with wristwatches and pocket watches?

I think that's harder to make for yourself. Why is it just so many people emailing me and put this on about three-piece suits when it could be about... Constructing... Constructing iron-clad warships. I don't know. Building a wooden ship and then putting metal on top of that. Is there an ethos in steampunk? You mean like is there something besides an aesthetic?

Yeah. Is there a... I mean, boy, I know that they have those secret sex parties. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Steam-powered vibrators. I don't think there is a... Yeah. Because obviously the Victorian era was a nightmare. It was horrible. It couldn't have been worse.

Sure. I read this book called The Ghost Map, Stephen Johnson, The Ghost Map. Great book about how they figured out how this doctor in London pinpointed the source and cause of cholera. By the way, after he figured it out, no one believed him. And and it didn't become like accepted for another like 50 years or something like that. But it opens with this book opens with the story of how how waste and water moved through Victorian London. And basically, it's just a list of shit-related jobs. Yeah.

Shit gatherers. Oh, so shit... There was shit gatherers, urine gatherers, people that picked up little pieces of metal. So steampunk people are shit-obsessed. Is that what it is? You think it's a scat thing? It might be a scat thing, yeah. I mean, I can't decipher anything else about it.

Maybe they're not. That makes more sense than, you know, what I know about it now. I guess their ethos is they're trying to bring back places where you can sell human excrement to be used for fertilizer on the farms on the outskirts of the city. Oh. Okay. That's cool. And urine to be dried for its essential chemicals that sounds fun i can see why people are into it yeah no i i understand it now that now that i've

broken it down that way it makes a lot more sense yeah um i do think it would be i can see the like um i can see the arousal factor of getting it on with a girl, but you have to like deal with a lot of petticoats. That is maybe the thing that I get most about it. When you're relaxing at home, are you thinking about crinolines? Well, I don't know what that is. Oh, it's like a- Is that a bourbon?

It's a thing that makes your skirt poof out. Oh, yeah. I mean, I will start thinking about it. Right. Yeah. Hoops skirts? poof out oh yeah i mean i will start thinking about it right yeah but i get hoop skirts yeah i can i can get behind like you know once in a while if it's an ordeal to get a woman's clothes off i can like there's there's something appealing about that you mean like it when you're 15 right yeah yeah and you don't know how to do it uh boy yeah i uh yeah i remember really clearly there

being some sort of uh i guess i don't remember it clearly because I don't remember the exact magazine. But it was maybe Maximum or something like that that had a tutorial on how to get a bra off. And I pre – before I had to get a bra off, I saw this. Thumb and the forefinger. The kind of – the big tip. The classic snap. The big tip in this is people will try and use two hands. Like the main mistake you can tip in this is that people will try and use two hands. Like the main mistake you can use in getting a bra off is trying to use two hands.

This is for our teenage listeners. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Who shouldn't be listening to our program. No. Don't. Inappropriate for people under 18.

Just watch regular show. Yeah. That's for you. And also don't watch Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's too weird. Too weird. Too weird. Boy, yeah.

I wonder what my mom would think about like Adult Swim or something like that. If she saw Eric Andre. Yeah, yeah. Just throwing himself through pieces of his set and crying. To be fair, I think my mom was like super down with The Simpsons and like Mystery Science Theater and stuff. Like I feel like she was always like and definitely. That's interesting.

The more common ban in my neighborhood was this. I mean, the Simpsons had a bad rap for a while that like Bart was a backtalker, you know, and he was a bad influence. My mom was always down with the Simpsons. So I definitely give her credit for that. That's a that's fascinating to me because the Simpsons were, I think, people who are more than five years younger than us, maybe even more than three or four years younger than us, don't remember that the Simpsons were immensely controversial. Yeah, totally. That it was a big, this like don't have a cow, Bart saying don't have a cow was basically Prince making a song about incest as far as the tipper gores of the world were concerned. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I remember the big thing about it was back talk. Like, oh, it encourages kids to back talk. Like, doesn't that seem so crazy now? Anyway, but yeah, in the midst of that, I loved The Simpsons more than anything. And my mom was always, like, supremely cool about it. She's like, no, they're a bad example. They're showing you how not to be. I look back on that as being way more sophisticated than any mom in our neighborhood thought about it.

And she is actually the one that showed you how to take the bra off. She was, yeah. Well, she gave me the Maxim. Right. The subscription to Maxim. Right. She insisted that you read it cover to cover every month. Oh, but I was going to finish my bra story.

When the time came for me to take a bra off, I got it real quick. This was what, senior year of college? Yeah, right. This is last night. Yeah. Good news, guys. That I feel like I- I finally decided to wear a bra.

Right. And you'll notice I'm not wearing it. Yeah, because I was able to get it off. My man tits are out of control. Yeah. But no, I feel like I got the bra off, you know, relatively stress-free. And I really like, I really, I have to thank Maxim for that or whatever the magazine was. that I have not really undressed a lady more than once a year in eight years, ten years.

You've not undressed it? When you're married, you just walk around in the nude? No, you're just, if it's time to go, you're prepared. Right. And you can just take off your own clothes. Right. There's not this whole part at the beginning where you're trying to figure out, and so you have to take off things one at a time to figure out if you're just going to touch boobs over bra or whatever. Sure, sure. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, it's just not part of- Or if you're going to stop and finish watching Expendables 2. Are you saying that you're fucking in movie theaters, Jordan? Yeah, right? I mean, come on. Or are you buying bootleg DVDs? I can't decide which is worse. I will watch a bootleg DVD on my laptop in a movie theater. Right, sure.

Because I'm an asshole. Right. Oh, yeah, interesting. Yeah, I guess when you do get into a long-term relationship, yeah, I guess that is such a mark of a new relationship is the, like, we're stripping off each other's clothes before we fuck. Huh.

Interesting. Yeah. I mean, you know, you might have, you know, once in a while you'll have, like, daytime kitchen sex or something like that. Sure. I mean, when I say you, I mean you and I. Yeah.

But it's not, it's not. And daytime kitchen is a cute little diner in Silver Lake. Yeah, it is. It's really nice. Very cute. Oil cloth, a Mexican oil cloth on the table, on the tables. Sure. Everything has creme fraiche on it.

Sure. After we ejaculate. It's Sure. After we ejaculate. That's what I call my ejaculate. Okay, look, we'll be back in just a second. Join Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, We did get back from London, by the way. We did get back from London. That was a blast. That was a blast and a half. We had a good old time. Sure. Jolly old England. Yeah, right?

That's what the natives call it. Right. It was weird to be in London when I would say 20% of the population of the city lived there. Right. Yeah, I guess the London government did such a good job of – Which, by the way, is a guy with long hair who rides around on a bike. Right. Did such a good job of, like, warning London that it was going to be batshit for the Olympics, that everybody just left town.

Yeah, and all the businesses were fucked. Yeah, yeah. But, man, I got to say, we went to see, okay, so let's talk about Donna. Donna Vakalis, our pal who was in the Olympics, competed in the Olympics. Sure. We got to see, the day was split into two parts, the modern pentathlon day. The first part was at the aquatic center. That featured swimming and, of course, fencing, which they do underwater. Right. Parathlon Day. The first part was at the Aquatic Center.

That featured swimming and, of course, fencing, which they do underwater. Right. It seems like you'd be worried about slipping with the fencing. Yeah. Just because people are tracking their wet feet everywhere. Yeah. And, I mean, it's just what if someone pokes a hole in your diving suit? There you go.

They wear diving suits also. Right. Like, you know, the kind where two guys have to pump it. Yeah. On a board ship. You get bonus points in the swimming if you find a big rectangular treasure chest. Modern pentathlon is weird. Also, you have to fight an octopus.

Sure. So we did not get to see that. Our pal Rebecca, who went with us, and her family did get to see that. They said it was a blast. But Donna was nice enough to actually invite us to the afternoon event. Sure. Which we watched with her pal and her dad from box seats. I'm not trying to brag or anything. We had box seats for the Olympics. It was kind of amazing. Yeah. Right. Wasn't it? Oh, it was totally amazing. Didn't it exceed your expectations for amazingness? No, I mean, I definitely like, you know, as a guy who has a little bit of a hard time getting into

sports, it's always kind of a toss up for me when I'm at a sporting event. Whether I'm whether I get emotionally invested in it or not, it's it is kind of 50 50. You might just get emotionally invested in it or not, it is kind of 50-50. You might just get emotionally invested in your beers. Sure, yeah. Which, yeah, yes. There were no beers. Oh, no, you could get beers at this. You could get beers.

You could also get meat pies. Right. Meat pies is what they sell at a sporting event in England. Yeah, that is their hot dog. Yeah. Oh, it was really hot, though. I didn't want to get beer sleepy. That's why I didn't have one.

I got severely sunburned. Yeah. So, yeah, but it was totally thrilling, and I guess the thing that was more of a factor than I expected it to be was the fact the first thing we saw was the horse jumping. Right, and this is where they have to jump through a course of show jumps or whatever they're called, horse jumps. And they have like a target time. So they don't go as fast as they can.

The goal is they have to go kind of fast and they get points deducted if they go too slow or if they fail any of the jumps. Yeah. And all the jumps were shaped like famous British things. Yeah. Is that a good way to describe it? Yeah. And it was weird because thing is really the only word you could use. Right. Like there was one-

There were some events and there were some objects. Yeah. Like you think you have a handle on it when you see the, you know, Big Ben themed one and the Tower of London themed one. Right. Oh, right. Okay. So it's things in London. These are, I guess to describe, to further describe, these are the, this is what are holding up the poles that the horses are jumping over. Yeah. They're shaped, they're not just other poles.

They're shaped like monuments, but also. It's a lot like mini golf, actually. Right. Yeah, yeah. It did seem to have a similar design style. And maybe the weirdest one was the Charles Darwin origin of the species jump. Well, would you say that was more weird than the great fire themed jump? Yes. Because it seemed to have an agenda. Right. Yeah. that was more weird than the great fire themed jump uh yes because it's a guy yeah right yeah

because it had his political agenda no it was like darwin's face and then but i mean can you imagine something can you imagine if they had the olympics in new york and they had like uh you know they had an empire state building themed one and they had a Statue of Liberty themed one. They had a Don Mattingly themed one and then they had a 9-11 themed one with the Twin Towers on fire. Sure. Yeah, that was so weird. What about that London fire was so important that they thought, I mean, I guess it destroyed much of London. Yeah, but why is it something that you want to remember in a horse jump?

Yeah, like where is it something that you want to remember in a horse jump, I guess? Yeah, like where is the Boer War here? Like what did it do to London that is beneficial, I guess? Where's the Norman invasion themed one if it's just important things in the history of England? Yeah. Where's Gorgo, the weird Godzilla knockoff that they

made in England? He knocks over Big Ben. It's pretty cool. But you're right. I did not know what to expect out of this horse thing because I could give a shit about horses, frankly. Well, I would say you're openly aggressive toward them. Do you remember our friend Alex Blagg used to have this blog called I Hate Horses? Yeah. It was just about how much he – it would just be like, I fucking hate Palomino's.

That's good. Oh, everybody get on the Wayback Machine and take a look at that. That's one of the best internet things of 2004. But yeah, I would say that the kind of... where the excitement and stress of that horse jumping came from was the fact that the riders only met the horses you know 20 minutes before they rode literally 20 minutes before they rode and you could and maybe it was just because we were close but you could see that the horses were agitated yeah like and

and a lot of people fell off it didn't seem to it seemed to be less about making that target time and more about can you stay on this horse that's kind of ganked up you get five so what they do is before the show the show you know before they they raise the play yeah um like the day before everyone gets to observe the horses as they travel through the track so this demonstrates that these horses are capable of going through this track. But that's with their owners or trainers or whatever. You know, Mitt Romney's wife. Right.

Or another horse. Yeah. Which they're very comfortable with. They are. Horse slavery is a big thing in the horse community. Well, I mean, they shouldn't be so complacent. They really need a horse civil war to straighten things out. Yeah.

They need a horse. You know. They need some hover trains. I really have. Some hover battle trains. I had high hopes that Secretariat would be the horse Frederick Douglass because he was, of course, liberated. Sure. But he couldn't convince horse Abraham Lincoln to take a stand.

Horse Lincoln. But I did enjoy the horse monitor in Mary Mac. Right. The horses are, so they get to see them go through this course. But that's it. Then before the thing, they get 20 minutes and five practice jumps. Yeah. And that's a third of the course or something.

There's like 12 or 13 of these jumps. A third of the course or something. There's like 12 or 13 of these jumps. And it is terrifying because getting thrown from a horse is something that could lead you to die. Yeah, totally. And it happened. Like people got thrown off their horses. I would say like a third of the people got thrown off their horses.

Totally, yeah. That seemed to be the greatest challenge of the event was just getting this horse to not throw you off. And there were many situations where the horse just came up to a jump and just stopped and was like, uh-uh, fuck this. Yeah. Or it was like, no, sir. And the announcer, before the event started, talked about how, you know, kind of easily agitated the horses are and then had everyone be silent.

So, I mean, if you think of a sporting, you know, a giant stadium filled, I don't know how many people would you say. 23,000. Yeah. So just this giant stadium of people being silent. That was creepy. It really like spoke to, well, I guess I don't know how many of them were British, but it really seemed to speak well for British manners. People were able to be silent. Like if that was in America, people would just be yelling weird stuff, probably.

Freebird. Yeah, Freebird. Mostly Freebird. Oh, God. People still do that. That's awful. I know. Isn't that the worst?

That's the fucking worst. Come on. Yeah. You know it's 2012, right? Yeah. You can move on now to whatever zombie jokes. Sure. Yeah, right?

Pirate humor. You're late to that. Yeah, yelling Freebird at a concert. Jesus Christ. Let's kick things down the road to things from 2002. Yeah, right? Why don't you throw some Beanie Babies on stage? It was fantastically intense.

You would never throw Beanie Babies on stage. Well. Not even when they were popular. You wouldn't be throwing them on. You would never throw on stage. Well. Not even when they were popular. You wouldn't be throwing them on. You'd be collecting them and not taking the tabs off. They're highly collectible. They're very collectible. You know what you would throw on stage, though? This was a big problem for Bruce Springsteen. Cabbage Patch Kids.

Oh, yeah. You'd have to swat them away. And previously, during the earlier part of Springsteen's career, Pet Rocks. that was actually dangerous. Sure. That was a concern. Rubik's Cubes in between. Isn't that why Clarence Clements died? Spirographed to the head? He was very talented.

Yeah. And he'll be missed. I believe Buddy Holly was killed by a hula hoop. Or was that the Big Bopper? Yeah, no, the Big Bopper was killed by jacks. Took a couple of jacks to the eyes. Richie Valens was killed by a stickball stick. Oh, no, plane crash.

Oh, right. They were all killed in a plane crash. Right, sorry, I forgot. The day the music died, Jesse. I forgot the day the music died. So it was really an intense thing to see because you do not know whether these horses will do the things that the people want them to do. And in the moments when it's working, it's so fluid. Yeah.

And so graceful. It's as though, you know, horse and rider are one. Sorry. It's a real dick thing to say. Yeah, right? Come on. You want to yell free bird now? But at any moment,

but at any moment, the horse could just pull up short. Sure. One woman in this competition was thrown from the horse right before the horse decided that it was, it had decided that it wasn't

going to jump over this thing. Then it changed its mind, decided it would. This woman had been thrown and was hanging from the side of the neck of the horse as, like, all the way off the horse with her arms around its

neck, you know, falling underneath its front. As the horse jumped over one of the barriers, I thought she was going to be killed. Yeah, it was God, the whole thing was such a spectacular display. I mean, I guess you think of horse jumping as, you know, like or just any kind of horse sport is just being a little, you know, a little foo foo, a little fancy.

But but boy, this was sure just thrilling. And yeah, I mean, I definitely have just all the respect in the world for somebody who can Mitt Romney Mitt Romney specifically. Yeah. Who can pay for the raising of one of these beautiful creatures. Right. Someone with the resources. Does Mitt Romney's Mitt Romney, specifically. Yeah. Who can pay for the raising of one of these beautiful creatures. Right. Someone with the resources. Does Mitt Romney's wife really raise horses?

She had a, you didn't know about this? Oh, she had a horse in the Olympics, right? Yeah, she had a horse in the Olympics in dressage, I believe. Hmm. Which is horse dancing. Oh, great. So, okay. She seems great.

She seems really cool. So, it was an incredibly intense experience. Donna was one of the people who was thrown, and that was like getting your guts torn out. Sure, absolutely. But the other thing about this that was so amazing to me, the horse part of this specifically, is that when you got thrown off, that wasn't the end. People had to get back on the horse and finish in time to still get points. Yeah.

And so these, I was more impressed by the people who got thrown because it was such, it was so sincerely amazing to see them get thrown from a horse, which is, you know, I have a, one of my wife's friends works at a ranch that does horse therapy for kids and she got thrown from a horse and hurt very badly once. And just to think, like just getting thrown from a horse is a big, traumatic, terrifying, horrible thing. And they literally get back on the horse and finish, finish the course. And it's like the bravest thing you could ever see

because, you know, these folks, A, it may or may not have meant that they're definitely not going to achieve their life stream of winning the Olympics. But B, they're in physical danger. They may even be hurt. Yeah. And I'm sure the horse doesn't calm down after that. No.

It's probably getting more agitated. Yeah, the horse is like running in circles. Yeah. And I'm sure the horse doesn't calm down after that. No, the horse- It's probably getting more agitated. Yeah, the horse is like running in circles. Yeah. The horse wants to like leave the joint. In fact, the horse did try and leave in one case. Yeah, I think a horse did run away. And they get back on. They get back on this-

Yeah, it's amazing. It was consistently the most amazing- I think it was the most- the bravest thing I've ever seen in a sporting event, these women getting back on these horses. And like I said, it was a huge number of the cases, and it's built into the scoring system. You get thrown, you get stopped, it's a certain number of points off, and you can get back on and still finish the course in time to get points it is it was amazing and then the second part was the uh run and shoot yeah and

that was a little more like fun like it was still kind of thrilling but like the danger wasn't there right the thing with the gun is less dangerous yeah um but yeah and that was fun in the end the the announcer let us know that we could like kind of cheer and hoot and holler at that one. So that was like a little more light and fun. The other one was, I was pretty stressful. It was like bordering on too stressful

for me to want to watch it. But yeah, but the run and shoot was just totally cool and fun to watch. It was exciting to see Max Gunn in action. Yes. Everyone, that is the name that we settled on for Donna's Gunn. Yes. We're also sponsoring a male porn star.

That will also be his name. That's spelled with three X's and two N's. Yeah. In the latter case. Just for, because we want it to be easily Google-able. Right. And to imply pornography. These are all the reasons to add Xs.

So, yeah, the run and shoot part, what they do is they set up one side of the stadium. He's gay for pay. Yeah. They set up one side of the stadium with shooting booths. Mm-hmm. And then they let them out. They let them run around this course that takes them a little bit out of the stadium and then back in. And then they get to the shooting booth. They have to hit the target four times before they

can run again. They do this several times. And that was just people going apeshit. And I have to say that the woman who won, I believe the silver medal was British. There were two British competitors in this thing. And, you know, every time they would reenter the stadium, And, you know, every time they would reenter the stadium, people would League Championship Series between the A's and the Red Sox. Yeah. But even then, I don't think, well, no, I don't know. I think Roger Clemens and Tony Pena got in a fight with someone. And that may have led to as sustained cheering as... Right.

But there's something about a race that is for an Olympic medal where just everyone, and 80% of the stadium was British, so everyone is going completely apeshit for this woman. And I was getting goosebumps for real. Oh, totally. Like actual goosebumps from these people cheering. And they're cheering for someone that I'm rooting against. Yeah. You know? Like it was just beautiful.

Yeah, that malicious feeling toward the other competitors was not something I experienced. Which is something that I don't love about a sporting event when you feel like it's getting mean to the other team. I'm going to a Giants-Dodgers game on Monday, so we'll see how it goes for old Jesse. Yeah, right? So yeah, that's always something that makes me a little squirmy. But yeah, this seemed totally fun and appropriate to me. I cried a little bit during the medal ceremony.

Just a little bit because it was so beautiful. And they were playing Spice Girls. Yeah, everywhere you went during the Olympics. We should mention that they exclusively play Spice Girls on the radio in the UK. Yeah. They used to also play Robbie Williams songs. Sure. Whoever that is.

I was really amazed at the frequency to which I heard a spice girl song while in london it was pretty it was pretty pretty mind-boggling they reunited or something yeah i think they've got a they've got like a broadway musical coming out okay uh maybe i don't know i think it's a jukebox musical right um it's based on this it's based on the songs of Ritchie Valens. Right. So, yeah, I don't know if it's if maybe the Spice Girls just never got off of, you know, the radio in England or if it's just part of this kind of 90s nostalgia. I couldn't tell. I am. It is never. I have been to the UK now five times in my life. At no point does it stop being weird that they have their own celebrities. Right.

But not just that they have their own celebrities, but that- They all have shortened names for them? Like many of the celebrities are people that we would consider to be celebrities. Many of their celebrities are Brad Pitt. Sure. Then they have this other set of their own celebrities. And I'm not diminishing this. Obviously, there must be people in the United States that are famous in the United States, but not in England, like maybe country music stars or something.

Reality TV people. But it always, it's so disconcerting to have celebrity culture where there is a thriving celebrity culture in the UK sort of twisted in a weird way so that you're forced to face up to how horrible and weird it is. You know what I mean? Because it's just about some weird guy. Yeah. Also, in England, they're much more comfortable with letting dumpuses be celebrities oh totally so i think it's just a legacy of previous generations with you know bad teeth celebrities or something but it they i'd say

only 25 of their celebrities are attractive so that's also confusing to me. It's just a whole crazy world. It is. Yeah, sure. We had dinner with the delightful Helen Zaltzman while we were there. And something I- Answer me this podcast. Something I had to have her explain to me was there was a bus ad that was pretty prominent while we were there and it featured um i forget what the name of the movie was but it was for a movie and it featured this kind of like maybe like 70s looking guy in jean shorts like short jean shorts kind of laid out in a seductive

pose um he wasn't like out of shape or anything that wasn't the joke um but it was for this movie and it had a quote that was like from the character i guess like the and the quote was oosh bang tidy and that was the most like i think that was the clearest example to me of like oh they've got their own thing going on over here that is just like i i couldn't even begin to tell you what Oosh Bang Tidy meant. It sounds like it could be Dutch. Right. Yeah. Like maybe they're making fun of the Dutch.

It's as though you're in the nether. Like what's confusing about it isn't that there are different elements to popular culture in a foreign country. That makes perfect sense. It's just that there are only some elements, but they're completely different and unrecognizable. Like 75%, we've got 75% overlap, but that 25% is just completely baffling because it's something like oosh, bang, tidy.

Sure. I remember seeing like a, like, you know, as we all were, I was super into Wayne's World when it came out. And I remember seeing a local news report when they played Wayne's World in other countries, they would, with your ticket, they would hand you out like a translation guide. And that was kind of part of it where you could see what schwing meant. So, yeah, I guess that Oosh Bang Tidy is probably something along those lines.

It's a regional schwing. Right. So, Don, if you... I guess schwing's not anything. I guess that didn't come from anything. They made that up. No, It's a regional schwing. Right. So Donovan. I guess schwing's not anything. I guess that didn't come from anything. Did it? They made that up. No, I think they invented schwing.

Anyway. I think. I think so too. Yeah. Maybe it's Canadian. Could be Canadian. Maybe Canadian. Schwing.

It might just come from the fertile imagination of Mr. Dana Carvey. Yeah. Oh, but I guess the conceit was that Wayne and Garth were from Aurora, Illinois. So I guess it probably wouldn't be. Maybe it's a Midwest thing. Schwing? Anyway. I don't know.

Donna finished the pentathlon. And I would never have imagined, of all the experiences in my life, I don't think I would have ever imagined that one of them would be giving a hug to someone that was just finished the Olympics. Yeah, it's a solid experience. Like just finished the Olympics. Yeah. We were still standing there.

Yeah. She came over before the medal ceremony started, gave everybody a hug. It was great it was amazing yeah it was like this woman was just in the olympics and we know her we i know someone and it's not it's not the academic olympics sure which i presume is something yeah you know what i mean it's it's not's not the Olympics of stargazing. Sure. Although that would be pretty thrilling if there's anybody who's in the Olympics of stargazing. Sure. Bird watching. If anybody's doing a big year out there. Jordan, you're opening

up the gates. We got public radio listeners listening to this right now. Yeah. Came over from Bullseye. I want to, yeah, let's hear from you. We've seen the Olympics, been there, done that. Now we want to see it. Oh, yeah, what are some other championships that we want to get invited to? A black-eyed warbler. Mm-hmm. Out in Kentucky.

A yellow-breasted festoon. I just made that up. Sure. Maybe that's a real bird. I made a black-eyed warbler. That's probably a type of bird. Oh, that's fun. Should we just make up birds for another 15 minutes?

No, no, that's fun. Let's just demand to be invited to some other world class. Some other major world boggle championship. Oh, I'll go to that. I don't know if that's real or just a plot point on King of the Hill. Either way, I'd like to be invited to it. Right. We would also like some King of the Hill DVDs.

Yeah. Please mail them to us. Something involving the Puzzle Master. Oh, yeah. If Will Shorts is out there. Like maybe a prize fight. Okay, yeah. I'll go to a prize fight.

Or an MMA. I've been to the world. With Will Shorts I'm talking about. Oh, right. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, he's facing off against who's the next most prominent crossword puzzle guy. Oh, I don't know.

I was just going to say like Lennox Lewis or something like that. Oh, he's fighting a fighter. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's going to get his ass handed to him. Oh, I don't know. I was just going to say like Lennox Lewis or something like that. Oh, he's fighting a fighter. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's going to get his ass handed to him. Yeah, yeah. Take that mustache, man.

I've been to the World Championship of Street Fighter, so I've seen that already. What was that like? It's pretty amazing. Yes. Well, you know what? Basically no white people are involved in that. Any American- what? Basically no white people are involved in that. any American... What country plays Street Fighter?

It's mostly Japan wins but this year South Koreans won. A little rivalry there. And anyone from America is either Asian, black, or Hispanic who plays. Interesting. Yeah. Do they play Street Fighter number two? It changes year to year, which one.

But, I mean, they usually play what is the most definitive kind of recent version of the game. So this year it would be Super Street Fighter 4 Arcade Edition version 2012. Oh, I gotcha. Yeah, yeah. I follow. But next year it might be something else. Is there an NBA 2K6 championship that I could get involved in? I don't know.

Because a lot of – see, here's my secret, Jordan, to qualifying for the NBA 2K6 championship. A lot of these players, they're not thinking. And so they just buy a new version of a game when it comes out. And so they're too so busy playing NBA 2K12. Sure. They don't know. I've been sitting here. They're not honing their 2K6. I've been hon playing NBA 2K12. Sure. They don't know. I've been sitting here. They're not honing their 2K6.

I've been honing my 2K6 skills. I basically, I think maybe I even still have Michael Jordan. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I have like Hakeem Olajuwon or something. Sometimes I think about going to, I feel like you see these signs a lot. You see them, you know, when you get kind of more toward get kind of more toward like kind of the Compton side of L.A. You see those two-color signs that are usually only to advertise like county fairs or gun shows or like Mexican music concerts. Sometimes the background of these signs, this is a very, I mean, I'm sure these exist in other places, but this is a very L.A. thing to have, which is these, yeah, black on day glow.

Like green, yeah, yeah. Printed signs. And often the day glow is like a rainbow of several colors. But anyways, I see a lot the kind of, the genres are like gun show. DJ quick concert. DJ quick concert. Yeah, Mexicanert. DJ Quick Concert. Yeah, Mexican music. Yeah.

Banda Concert, perhaps. Sure, sure, sure. But they also occasionally I'll see them for video game tournaments. And it's either Madden or Call of Duty, usually. I don't think I've seen anything else. Probably a fun bunch of guys go out to these things. Probably a great bunch of guys. So, yeah, I sometimes think we'd like to see one of those.

You're looking at sweet winning attitudes. And, of course, and just a kind of general high level of social aptitude. But probably. That leads to a great party. Plus plenty of chicks. Yeah, lots of chicks. And you know what? I mean, probably just kind of given the, you know, just kind of given the games that they're playing,

there's probably just a little dash of thug in there, which probably really like rounds that out. Yeah. You want a couple guys that know how to hide a knife. Sure. You know? Right. At any event. That own many bandanas.

Sure. But no, I mean, just kind of being interested in- All the same color, by the way. Right. Yes. Being interested in video game stuff. I kind of want to go to one of those to see what it's like, but I bet it's probably not fun. Have you ever been to one of these things?

We have a listener who loads a Street Fighter thing into a truck and drives it to a warehouse to play all through the night. I have been to one of those, yeah. I've competed in one of those before. Did you win? No, no, I didn't. I'm not. What place did you get? I mean, I beat one or two guys, which was way more than I thought I was going to one of those, yeah. I've competed in one of those before. Did you win? No, no, I didn't. I'm not. What place did you get? I mean, I beat one or two guys, which was way more than I thought I was going to do.

Good for you, Jordan. Thanks. What did it cost to enter? Ten bucks. Yeah. That's not bad. Yeah, not bad at all. It was lovely.

That's like, what, two semita pobladas? Sure. I mean, if that's how you- I'm just using that because that's what I ate for lunch. Right. on us sure i mean if that's how you i'm just using that because that's what i ate for lunch right uh yeah uh and but in this thing i mean no no uh no one was um uh seemed to be nervous about just openly farting like people would just well i'm gonna rip no one no one politely held it in and then went outside for a second.

Maybe it was even like part of the strategy. Their priorities are elsewhere. Yeah, maybe it was even like, all right, I'll fucking gross people out with my farts and then I'll distract them and I'll be able to win. Well, the problem is your hands are busy. So if you want to try and do something to gain competitive advantage, you've only got so many tools at your disposal. Sure. There's probably rules about what you can say. Yeah.

I guess you can fart or start crying. That'd be funny if you, like, you was crying, but, like, not like wails, but, like, just, like, tears were streaming down your face, but you were still playing the game. That would be so freaky. That would like really fuck with the other guy, I bet. That's a good system. Yeah. I like that system. Random crying.

Okay. Well, we'll figure out some other championships we can go to. Yeah. But in the meantime, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yeah, I know. That exists? From the makers of Metafilter. What? Okay, there's a website. A website you go to.

You write your question. You find an answer. Or let's just say you're not just going to ask a question. You can search it. What? I bet you can find a good answer. That is great. The thing about Ask Metafilter relative to your other ask a question websites is that the people who answer the questions are certified non-idiots.

That's great. You know why? They had to pay $5 to join Metafilter. There you go. That's the difference. Sure. If you just charge $5. That makes all the difference.

A one-time charge of $5. Yeah. That makes all the difference. A one-time charge of $5. Yeah. Our friend Matt Howey, who founded Metafilter, that was like his great, brilliant insight was assholes don't want to pay $5. $5 is a borderline inconsequential amount of money to pay, but assholes aren't going to pay it. Dipshits won't give up five bucks.

Yeah. He doesn't make the money from the five bucks. Probably super duper true. It's not a revenue stream. Yeah, it's an asshole elimination service. Exactly, and it works spectacularly well. I believe it. Anyway, askgottmetafilter.com. Sometimes I just like to go there and just look

and see what kind of weird questions someone answered that someone knew the answer to. Sure. I love it. I love it. I love it. Hey, up on the Jumbotron this week. What's that on Max Fun Stadium? Why it's a Jumbotron.

And it says fuckingdelightful.com. Oh. Fuckingdelightful.com is a project to create beautiful cards featuring hand or beautiful calligraphy and swearing-based greetings. I can get behind this. Yeah. This is great. Messages including, congrats your fucking-lations,

salutations, motherfucker. Sure. All rendered in a beautiful calligraphic manner. That is a lot of fun. Isn't that nice? Yeah. Yeah, $25. Get your four different cards with envelopes and exclusive Swery stickers. Hey.

Including postage. Go to fuckingdelightful.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's easy, it's cheap, it's a blast. Mm-hmm. Sounds like fun. Oh, I'm having fun already. Me too. Just thinking about it makes me hammock boner hard.

Hammock boner. What did we talk about? Hammock boners? We talked about that with Graham Linehan. Oh, yeah. That's good. Hey, by the way, I've gotten like four emails from people worried that we did poorly at our London show. Yeah.

I think we must have just not turned the audience volume up enough. Oh, yeah. We did great at the London show. No need to worry. Yeah. I think we must have just not turned the audience volume up enough. Oh, yeah. Or we did great at the London show. No need to worry. Sure. We were hilarious. Yeah. I mean, we basically had to fight off blowjobs.

I know. Well, yeah, certainly. Sure. I did. I mean, after we got the first blowjob, there's a refractory period. Exactly. And it's just uncomfortable to have your penis sucked. Exactly.

During that refractory period. And plus, I was adjusting to the fact that i had had my first gay experience sure so so yeah there was some emotional shit going on but it's just shit i had to process yeah anyway maximumfun.org slash jumbotron if you want to get up on the jumbotron we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Okay, Jordan. Yes.

Let's do this momentous occasions style. When something momentous happens to you, you give us a telephone call. There's a baby bird in here. There's a baby bird. Oh, yeah. Let's a baby bird in here. There's a baby bird. Oh, yeah. Let's play the calls. Okay. 206-984-4FUN is the number to put in your telephone now.

Somebody tweeted, I should remember to put the momentous occasions number in my phone so that I can call it when something momentous happens. Yeah. Like, yeah. Why are you fucking sending a tweet instead of remembering to do that? Yeah. Somebody posted on the forum, what's the number? Yeah. Like, yeah. Why are you fucking sending a tweet instead of remembering to do that? Yeah. Somebody posted on the forum what's the number? Yeah.

It's the one that we give out on every fucking show. Yeah. 206-984-4FUN. JJ, go at MaximumFun. Oh, great. The baby birdie's back in there. Let's just play a call

and see if the birdie leaves. Hey, guys. This is Everett Reed calling from Jackson County, Alabama. And after having been unemployed for over a year, I have just finished my first week as a full-time instructor of English at Northeast Alabama Community College. And it is 3 o'clock, and I am on the way home to see my family,

roll around on the floor with my 10-month-old son. And it is a good day. Thank you. Bye. That's nice. That one was heartwarming. That's nice. It was very heartwarming.

I was kind of hoping that maybe where he was headed was somewhere salacious, but you know what? That's great, too. Like a fuck palace? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I just got done with my first day of work. Been out of work for a while.

Happy to be back on the job, and now I'm going to a cockfight. That's kind of what I was hoping for. But you know what? That's great. Being with your family, sure. I can tell you, Jordan, you don't really know about this, but I do. Rolling around on the floor with a 10-month-old is every bit as fun as a clock. Oh, I believe it.

I am my only... Less cruel, too. The only sadness for me about the fact that my son has turned one and learned how to walk is that when he walks, there's not as much sort of rolling around on the floor related stuff that you can do. Yeah, yeah, sure. And he'll be two or three before we can get involved in sort of walking themed horseplay. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like where I toss him around. Walk over to this horse. No, where I toss him around and so forth. Okay, sure. You know what I mean? Like I can sort of do some kind of horseplay with him right now. Yeah. He loves horseplay, by the way.

Oh, I mean... This kid, he loves horseplay. Sure. Let's take the next call. Simon is the kid's name. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. This is Tanya calling from Vancouver, Canada, with a momentous occasion. I've spent the last few years in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. He lives in Britain. It's been really tough.

We are both very aware that long-distance relationships usually don't work out because they are extremely difficult. So it's definitely been really hard over the last few years, but we've been making it work. And about a year ago, he started his application process for residency in Canada, and today he has officially moved to Canada and into my apartment with me. So there you go. It all worked out. And now we're in a domestic partnership.

We're really in love. And today is just a really, really awesome day. More powerful than ever. Thanks, guys. Love the show. I don't know if I trust this guy. I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah. I wonder also, I mean, I guess it's the practical thing to do. I wonder about the, just the logistics of,

not logistics, maybe emotional logistics is more the issue of, like, being in a long-distance relationship with someone and then moving in with them. Yeah. Like his dick could explode. The dick might explode from all the fucking. Right.

Sure. Yeah. I wonder. It seems like it would be so intense, like only like, you know, seeing someone over, you know, over email and phone and then you live with them. Do you think that everyone in Vancouver talks in that same sort of gentle measured manner? I hope so. Like Dave and Graham do?

It seems like it. I love it. No, me too. I think it's wonderful. Vancouver's a delight. How could you not fall in love with someone who spoke in such a measured and thoughtful manner? That's why I fell in love with Rick Moranis. Was he from Vancouver?

I don't know. Let's not look into it. That's why I fell in love with a Kodiak bear. Okay. I think we got one more momentous occasion here. Hi, Jordan, just to go. This is Kara from Philadelphia. It's currently 7 o'clock in the morning,

and I'm hiding from my boyfriend in the other room because I'm holding in my hand his birthday gift, which is a homemade card wrapped in paper that I stole from work that has little pictures of diamonds, Rolex watches, and mustaches on it. And inside of the card on the front of it, it says, are my dreams coming true? And on the inside of it, it says, yes, they are, which is a quote I pulled from the website.

And inside the card is two homemade tickets that I made for Max von Kuntz. So hopefully he's super spiced when he gets it. He's a regular listener. And the prize is in his phone. All right, thanks. There's so much buildup to that. I was hoping it was going to be two tickets to a cockfight.

I mean, Max FunCon East is going to be great. I'm not saying that it's not going to be great. I'm just saying that I kind of was hoping for something a little more salacious. Jordan, why don't you come to Max FunCon East and get on the animal cruelty track? Oh, okay. Yeah. We've got a tracked presentation this year. I think I was going to do improv class.

I usually do an improv class. We're giving Michael Vick a Lifetime Achievement Award. I mean, who deserves it more than him? Nobody. Oh, everyone. All humans. Yeah, I guess I usually do an improv thing at MaxFunCon. I was thinking maybe I would change it to like a sketch writing thing this year, but I guess I could just do like animal matchups.

Right, sure. I mean, yeah. I mean, God, it seems like it would have to be a two-tiered thing. It's like just tying the razor blades onto their feet is kind of an art in and of itself. Part of the question is if you bring the land shark to another state, does it have to go into quarantine? Oh, yeah. I guess so well maybe i'll mail it to myself does new york have this fedex it to myself does like i do with my weed

does new york have specific quarantine rules regarding fictional creatures yeah i mean i think each state has its own laws you know there are you know like gay marriage i want to say something about max funcon East. Sure. Because I had a conversation with Nick White about this yesterday. Nick is our events director in addition to being the editor of Bullseye. Apparently, and I'm really happy about this, we weren't sure how many people were going to want to come to Max Funcon East and room with someone that they didn't know. Because, you know, a certain number of people come in couples or in pairs. But many people come solo and they often don't know anyone at Max FunCon.

Yeah. And that is no problem at Max FunCon. It's the friendliest place on God's green earth. But we didn't know if people would be so confident as to take rooms together. So we gave a little discount to people who took rooms together because we only had so many rooms and we wanted to get as many people a chance to come as possible. Ten, those are the same proportion, but nine out of ten that are deciding to do the friendship rate where you get a discount for rooming with someone you don't know. Hey. And I am so happy about that. Yeah.

Both because. No one murder anyone else. Yeah. Both because it means that everyone will have an automatic best friend when they get there. Sure. But also because it means that we still actually have a few seats to sell. Oh. Beds to sell.

Whether or not you want to share a room with somebody. We announced the lineup. What if you want to sleep in a seat? Right. Well, I mean, then you can get a seat. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you can bring one of those cane chairs that grandpas use.

Sure. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Grandpa's cane chair. Yeah. Yeah. Or a shooting stick. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, grandpa's cane chair. Yeah. Yeah. Or a shooting stick. You know what that is?

It's like a sort of a cane that folds out into a seat so you can sit on it and shoot, you know, grouse. Sure. I don't know. Fuck them. Grouse or something. Do you think a grouse would win against a fighting cock? Grouse or cock, I guess, is what I'm asking. Grouse v. cock.

Grouse v. cock? Yeah. I don't know. We're going to have to refer that one to the Supreme Court. Yeah, right. The case of grouse v. cock. Oh, boy. Keep Earl Warren away from that one.

That's my noise I make when I make a Supreme Court joke. We have a really amazing lineup for Max Funcon East. We are looking at, number one, Mr. Dick Cavett, the most legendary of legendaries. I'm fucking over the moon about this.

Of course, Hodgman's going to be there. We got Michael Ian Black is going to be there. Great. We have Hari Kondabalu, one of the funniest comedians in New York. Another one of the funniest

comedians in New York on the subject of funniest comedians in New York, Mr. Tony Kameen. Tony Kameen is so fucking funny. He's great. So fucking funny. If you ever want to see

a comedian just destroy an audience for half an hour straight while doing two or three jokes from his act um tony comedian is your man comedian pardo yeah exactly those are those are the two best the two best i've ever seen and and just uh making shit up that's not act related and destroying um but uh we oh jonathan Ames? Oh, wow. Mr. Jonathan Ames is going to be there? Sure.

This is what I want to sell to people, though. Ames will write a funny book on the subject of funny novels and whether or not they exist. Explodo's going to be there? Hey. Ames is working on something that is, I can't tell you about it, but it's amazing. He called Nick and he's like, can I do this? That's a perfect Jonathan Ames impression, by the way. It's insane, but it's perfect for MaxFunCon. But the one thing that I really want to sell is we have a sketch show at MaxFunCon this year.

This is the first time we've done a real proper sketch show. We did have some sketches from Elephant Larry and Casper Hauser in the past, but this is a full-on sketch show. from Elephant Larry and Casper Hauser in the past, but this is a full-on sketch show. The group that is headlining this show is a group that has been in existence for 10 years or so here in Los Angeles called 10 West. And, you know, we used to occasionally

get to do a show with them or see them at a show when we were doing sketch in festivals around the country. They are absolutely amazing. Absolutely. The best stage comedy thing, the most amazing stage comedy thing I've ever seen. They are like, it's funny because when you say what they are like,

it sounds like the worst thing ever. Sure. They are like, they do a sort of physical clowning based sketch comedy i did this is i mean i i think that the important thing to say is that this is not some burning man bullshit it is so not bullshit yeah it's great it's so unpretentious uh not bullshit and funniness centric. It's so funny. They are so great. That's great, yeah. I've never seen them do a show that didn't end in a standing ovation.

And we have two fun guys. Wait, two fun men. Two fun men, which is the hottest thing in New York sketch comedy. I called every single person I could think of in the New York sketch comedy scene. These guys were the guys that they told me to get. I watched their stuff on the internet. I was like, these guys are amazing. They write on the Fallon Show.

And they are, it's crazy, silly nonsense. Great. They're the kings of the New York UCB right now. And that, so because those people aren't famous, I just want to reinforce that they're fucking amazing. I think you're really going to go apeshit. I think that will, my prediction is that the sketch show will be the highlight of the event. Okay.

That's my prediction. Great. That's my prediction. Two fun men. Yeah. I think we're going to do International Waters too. Oh, that'll be fun. No, that'll be great.

Yeah. I think it'll be great. IW. Canada versus the United States maybe? Oh, I like it. I No, that'll be great. Yeah. I think it'll be great. IW. Canada versus the United States, maybe? Oh, I like it. I like it a lot. Right? You gonna put David Graham in there?

Sure. It's gonna be a blast. MaxFunCon.com. There's still some tickets available. It's October 26th through 28th. And just, here's another thing. You don't live in New York? Fine.

Just fly in. Yeah. On an airplane. Get an airplane ticket. What are you using your money for? Bullshit probably. Probably bullshit. How about you dedicate it towards what will be the highlight of your year? Yeah.

Do it. Don't be a dope. Sure. Don't be a yokel. Don't spin it on some sort of grouse. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Hey listen What?

Shout out to the big man, Mr. Nate DiMeo Sure Barfing his guts out right now Oh, poor fella Poor fella Hey, we're still gathering ideas for the Rocket Scouts We got a couple good ones Can I, I had one Yeah, what is it? This is Rocket Scouts, this is our fill- ideas for the Rocket Scouts. We've got a couple good ones. I had one.

Yeah, what is it? This is Rocket Scouts. This is our fill-in for the Boy Scouts. Yeah, we don't like how the Boy Scouts is anti-gay. Kind of in that zone, I think because this is kind of a specific reaction to the Boy Scouts being anti-gay, I think a Rocket Scout merit badge should be homosexual culture appreciation. Oh. So, you know.

Write a paper on the sad life of Paul Lind. Yeah. Well, I was thinking more like, you know, like gay icons. You know, you go from Judy Garland to Lady Gaga. Uh-huh. And just get a little bit of a, you know, a little bit of a, just a primer to what they're all about. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Maybe you watch Boys in the Band. Sure. Yeah, Little Dogs. Can we have Midler Week? Huh? Can we have Midler Week? Yeah, absolutely, we can have Midler Week. Can gay appreciation be, like, just a cornerstone of the Rocket Scouts?

Yeah, I mean, I think that, like, gay culture scholarship should be encouraged. I feel like I want some essays. You want something, you want people to watch Paris is burning and then generate some culture studies on the subject. Yeah, that would be nice. Some critical,

some critical essays on, uh, Rocky horror picture show. Corporate, corporate employee realness. Right. Have you seen Paris is burning? No,

I haven't. Oh my God. Okay. Let me take this second. Okay. To diverge from, diverge from the rocket scouts into Paris is Burning? No, I haven't. Oh, my God. Okay, let me take this second. Okay. To diverge from the Rocket Scouts into Paris is Burning. I had never seen Paris is Burning. I don't know how I didn't see it because I'm quite sure that it played at the Roxy Theater,

which was two blocks from my house growing up, roughly once a week for my entire life from age zero to 18. It is a documentary about the ball scene in New York City, the drag balls, which were at the time, this is like in the mid 80s, mid to late 80s. I think it's shot like 87, 88 or something like that. or something like that. It was primarily like prostitutes, just a real like tough. I mean, this is a really, really tough time for people who were doing gender play. Right.

And it is the fucking greatest thing ever. It is so great. Number one, there's like, there's some, there's some sort of what you would call sort of like classic drag queens, you know, like dressed as a

sort of a showgirl. Okay. You know, 50 year old, 50 year old dudes dressed as showgirls. But then there is, there are all these

other categories. So the amazing thing about these balls is that they had, well, I mean, they also had like thing about these balls is that they had, well, I mean, they also had like voguing and stuff, but they had these categories that were like executive realness is one of the categories,

which is where dudes dress up like corporate types, like with briefcases and stuff. And they do like a model walk as a corporate person. Great. They do. There's a military one. There's just all types of realness, a broad variety of types of realness. Great.

It's just the greatest thing ever. It also has some parts that are very, very sad about how difficult this life was for these folks. But generally, it makes you want to have a party in 1987 with a bunch of cross-dressers and transgendered people. Well, yeah, let's show that to the kids. Yeah. No, Paris is Burning is as soon as they can deal with the idea of someone being a transgendered

prostitute and then dying. That's like six or seven, right? Yeah. Eight. Yeah. You're right. Third grade, right? That's eight.

Yeah, eight. Brian, can you look that up? Third grade? That's eight, right? Yeah. Third grade. Yeah. That's eight. Yeah, eight. Brian, can you look that up? Third grade? That's eight, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Brian's confirming eight years old. Okay.

So about eight years old is when it's appropriate to watch Paris is Burning. Let's go eight. Yeah. Okay, great. Well, we can start by incorporating it into our gay curriculum, our GLBT curriculum. Right. And does everyone have to pick a queer-o? Yeah.

Yes, I think they should have to. Mine was Barney Frank in college. Oh, that's good. When all the RAs had to pick their queer-o. Great. At the time, he was saying a lot of catty things about the Clinton impeachment. Very, very catty. It's great.

It's tremendous. Way to go. More congressmen should be caught with male prostitutes because it makes them really funny. I might not be understanding cause and effect. Yeah. Maybe. I might be misunderstanding cause and effect. Was he not out before he got caught with a prostitute?

Yes. Sadly, that was what outed him. Oh, wow. But then he just stuck around, which is awesome. That's great. He's like, yeah, well, I'm gay, and I was with a male prostitute. Was he married? Did it break up a marriage?

No, no, no. Okay, well, that makes it more fun. Yeah. That makes it a lot of fun. Yeah, well, I mean, there's still some problems inherent in prostitution. Sure, well. But, you know, I mean, relatively speaking, it's pretty fun. Yeah.

If Barney Frank's involved, you've got to figure it was pretty fun because he had some great witticisms about banks. Yeah. Anyway, that's good. Okay, so JJ, go at MaximumFun.org or 206-9844-FUN if you have an idea for the Rocket Scouts. You can go to Rocketscouts.com. Brian Fernandez built a beautiful website there using our friends at Squarespace. It's spectacular. Yeah, look at that. Look at that.

Look at that shit. Oh, hey, I want to say a quick thanks to everybody from the Jordan Jesse Go listening audience that watched an episode of KLOL, the web show that I work for, and left a nice comment on YouTube. Jordan, I got to tell you. That helped immensely. I got to tell you. Jordan, I got to tell you. That helped immensely.

I got to tell you. I watched the most recent episode of K-L-O-L featuring Sweatsy Shops. Yes. Etsy Sweatshops. Yeah. Where hipster girls are forced to crochet things. Yeah. In subhuman conditions.

Uh-huh. And I laughed my butt off. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. That was really tremendous. I think they're getting better and better. The show has gone from good to great. Sure.

So, yeah, if you haven't watched it, it's over at YouTube.com slash loud. You're probably already there so that you can watch the reality show K-Town. Right. The Korean Jersey Shore. Yeah. Opening shot of K-Town, by the way, Beverly Hills. And a lot of that shit's happened in Mid-Wilshire. I've watched K-Town.

That's Mid-Wilshire is what I say. But I guess the Jersey Shore isn't necessarily about the Jersey Shore. It's just about a general attitude. Anyway. Yeah, so, oh, yeah, thanks. I was talking on a previous episode about how we had a little troll problem and it was kind of bumming out everybody around the office. But thanks so much to people who say nice things about the show. It really helps and it helps us hopefully continue to be employed.

I saw Shani posted one on Boing Boing. She did. That's fantastic. Absolutely. I will say it was a surprise to me. I think she just saw it and thought it was great. I asked her nicely. Oh, okay.

And since she's great, she put it up. Well, God bless her. God bless the program. Yep. God bless the United States of America. God bless Canada. It's Don of Akalis. Not Mid-Wilshire, though.

No, not the Mid-Wilshire. Mid-Wilshire can jump up my butt. Yeah, it can suck a big one. Sure. Big lemon. Yeah, right. A big lemon. A big dick-shaped lemon. 206. It's a big one. Sure. Big lemon. Yeah, right. A big lemon. A big dick-shaped lemon.

206. It's a staple to my dick. 844. Are you still stapling lemons to your dick? Yes. You come crying to me every time. This hurts so bad. It hurts stings.

Yeah, yeah. It burns. Yeah. I think I'll just keep doing it. JJGoatMaximumFun.org. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Bye.