Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 238: Nightmare on Clown Street with Dave Hill

Episode Date: August 27, 2012

Dave Hill joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of postman pants, disconcerting vans, dry cleaning and hobo pee.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Mr. Dave Hill. We visit Waterbury, Connecticut and discuss details on clothing. Whimsical ones. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles.

Can just see the mountains through the haze. The heat has kind of died down, and now I would call it more comfortable than it's been. It really has been horrible. Yeah, it's been bad, but it's nice. I had a nice porch brunch today. Really? It was delightful, yeah. Now, was this a fenced-in porch? Was this a screened-in porch?

Tell me a little bit about this porch. You know, when I said porch, I probably misrepresented it. It was a restaurant that had tables outside. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I led you to believe this was tables outside. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I led you to believe it was. This was tables outside.

This is such... We are less than two minutes into the podcast. I know. And I'm already just fucking lying my ass off. You're already burying me in a pile of your bullshit. Yeah. Let's bring our guest in. You know him as a rock and roll and television celebrity turned author writing celebrity. Yeah.

A legend of the East Coast specifically. I think it's more far reaching than that. Well, I mean, your legend gets mixed up on the West Coast with West Coast Dave Hill. That's so you say. Okay. Well, his name's Dave Hill. Welcome to the program, Dave. No, nothing, you know, not to get back to West Coast Dave Hill right out of the gate,

but is there really that much confusion going on? You're both pretty handsome. He's more handsome than I am, or handsomer. Well, it's a different sort of handsome. It's a different sort of handsome. Yeah, his is some more traditional. His is a sort of sexual. Yeah, the way that we think of the word handsome.

And yours is just kind of a fun, goopy handsome. Yeah, like, oh, I would, you know, for people who make bad decisions. I'm that kind of handsome. That's where I come in. I bet sex with him would be funny. Yeah, it would probably work out. Dave, you're more of a postal pants handsome. I should explain that you're wearing postal pants.

Well, yeah, I don't know what. They're kind of postal, but then like tux. I guess I saw them as marching band pants. Marching band? They've got a stripe up the side, I guess we should say. Yeah, they're blue with a black. Is that like a guitar pick pocket? Is that what we're looking at right here?

Or this. I don't know. I mean, it's hard for me to talk about. I always think talking about clothes, I sound like a major a-hole. Dave, remember who you're talking to. That's true. You raise a good point. Well, of course, well, these are Paul Smith.

Right. Sure. Which are right. Now I sound like, not that Paul Smith, anyone who wears Paul Smith, but basically these are $7,000 pants. Right. Sure. Which, right out of that, now I sound like, not that Paul Smith, anyone who wears Paul Smith, but basically, these are $7,000 pants. Right. No, but they, I got them at Paul Smith. And, you know, they, you know. Yeah.

They like a detail. They're like a whimsical detail. And, like, you know there's all sorts of details that only I'm aware of with these pants. Like, there's little silk details inside. Yeah, ball ticklers. There's like a feather that is somehow mounted to tickle my anus the whole time I wear them. Sure, that's nice. And they also whisper encouragements, if I'm not mistaken.

You have to put your head between your knees. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you have to get right up close to your own anus, but if you do, you'll hear, hey, keep on trucking. You can do it. These girls, Dave. They're called FETs, fetal

encouragement trousers. Anytime you get in the fetal position, your trousers will encourage you. Yeah, and they're like sort of an on-the-go pant. Yeah, I mean you are an on-the-go kind of guy. This is what I put on when of an on-the-go pant. Yeah. I mean, you are an on-the-go kind of guy. This is what I put on when I'm on the go. They're like, maybe you want to run some errands.

Throw these pants on. You know who I drove behind, speaking of on-the-go, the whole way here? They took many of the same turns I did. A cargo van that was a sort of halfway between blue and lilac type of color. A real sort of like a cobalt. Maybe you'd call it sort of a slightly reddish cobalt blue. Sure. Like a bold color.

Yeah. With custom – first of all, it had – it was dropped a little. Oh, like in a – I'm going to move my chair a little bit too. Yeah, that's great. I feel like you're not wearing headphones. What's going on there? I'm not. Do you have headphones?

Where are your headphones? I don't think I have them, do I? You're going to have to do all of segment one without headphones. I don't know what's going on. I'm okay. I'm okay without, because the thing with me and headphones, they create, they give me the illusion that I'm talking louder than I really am because I hear it.

And I'm like, that sounds resonant. I sound articulate. And then I listen back to the whatever thing that I was on and I'm like, I sound whatever, you know, the opposite of that. Dave, I've been using your headphones to tickle my anus. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't have your fancy pants. No, they're fancy. That's my to tickle my anus. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't have your fancy pants.

No, they're fancy. That's my point. They're fancy pants. Yeah. Because they look like they're not. And then I say, well, they were $9,000. Yeah. If someone came up to you and said, those pants aren't fancy, you would just have to say to them, you don't know what's going on with my anus right now.

Fancy, fancy stuff. I should have thought, though, to dress better. I didn't think that I was going to... Hey, I'm wearing short pants. Yeah, but you, and thank you for calling them short pants, but you have a great outfit on. Thank you. That's kind of you.

Casual, stylish, but I'm wearing a crappy t-shirt. You're on the go. Running shoes. You're taking care of business. You're on the go. Running shoes. Taking care of business. You're here. You're there. You've got meetings.

You've got dinners. You've got drinks. Yeah. But, you know, I got to protect the brand. I'm not really protecting the brand right now. But, I mean, Dave, I feel like you, you know, this being audio only, we could have just run with the supposition that you were in one of your classic crushed velvet blazers. Well, that's the thing.

Maybe we should have. Can you edit out everything so far? No, but we can just work from here on out. We'll claim that. Yeah. Well, I've had people be disappointed when I'm not dressed that way. They'll see me dress like this, and they'll be like, oh my gosh. Because you have a very particular style on stage.

Yeah. That happens to me. I bet. People see me without a necktie. And I don't wear a necktie. I think people think that I wear it because on Put This On, which is the main video thing, and on the TV show that I hosted briefly, I wore a necktie.

That's because I'm hosting a TV show. Yeah, you're showing up for life. Yeah, exactly. Now, I don't wear a necktie. Today's Saturday, Dave. Yeah. It's 90 degrees show. Yeah. You're showing up for life. Yeah, exactly. Now, I don't wear a necktie. Today's Saturday, Dave. Yeah. It's 90 degrees outside. Yeah.

I'm not going to wear a necktie. That would be ridiculous. Yeah, absolutely. But then people come up to me and they say, are you Jesse Thorne? And I say, yes. This happens all the time, by the way. Sure. Just constantly.

I just got to beat the fans away. No, but somebody will come up to me and say, are you Jesse Thorne? And I'll say, yes. And they're like, but you will come up to me and say, are you Jesse Thorne? I'll say yes. And they're like, but you're not wearing a necktie. Is that all I am? Yeah. Yeah. It is.

You're a hanger for a necktie. I didn't realize that. Okay. Can we get back to the van that I was- Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. This van's too round. What?

Okay. Sorry. So this van is sort of halfway between cobalt blue and lilac, a color that I would call 1989. And it's dropped a little bit, and it has rims on it. Nice. It does not have huge rims on it because there's not enough room. It's got standard wheels on it. Now, was there any kind of Scarface branding on this van?

I'm getting there. Okay. So it did not have any Scarface branding. What it did have is a sort of geometric design that if I were going to characterize it, I would characterize it as Trapper Keeper. Okay. It was- This is just kind of a random collection of polygons in bright colors.

Purple, green, pink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just a lot of lines exploding this way and that. A Duran Duran album cover. Yes, precisely. And I'm driving behind this van, and I'm thinking, this is a hell of a van. This is pretty serious, this thing.

They're really committed to this. And I look down at the license plate. It was just really cool that you were driving behind Dame Judi Dench. So I look down at the license plate of this van. It's a vanity license plate, and it says Clown Street. Whoa. Clown ST. And then did you pull, I don't want to ruin the end of, did you see what the driver looked

like? So I find I'm driving behind this van for six miles. Wow. A long way on the freeway. The whole way between my house and here, basically. We finally turn off and they're taking a different turn off than I am. So I turn off around them. I drive up. It was genuinely the most disconcerting experience of my life because it was two Latino clowns in full clown makeup, but no clown clothes. Wait a minute. How did you know they were Latino? You can tell.

I had a side view. But how? You could see they were having a passionate argument in the van. Interesting. But I mean, I guess clown suit is kind of like, you know, necktie and that you don't want to put it on unless you have to in this heat. Don't mess up your clown suit. But at the same time, it's probably one of those situations where if the kids saw you without your clown makeup on, it's over for you. You know, that's a nightmare on clown street.

Sure. I remember the first time that happened was Santa Claus, where I saw the guy out of his costume. Without his makeup? And I had made a drawing for him, for Santa Claus, of Santa Claus. And then I saw him like coming out of the, it was at an ice rink. Okay. In Cleveland, where I'm from. Do you remember anything about the drawing? Was it just of Santa or was it you on his lap or?

I don't remember. I remember it was on a pair of like an illegal notepad, like a yellow lined paper. You, Santa, and Cleveland Indian star, Odobee McDowell. Who's that? Sounds like Rico Cardi. Do you know who Rico Cardi is? Yeah, sure. Okay. That's good. Well, like Rico Cardi? Do you know who Rico Cardi is? Yeah, sure. Okay, I just wanted to... It's good. We're right here together.

Charles Nagy. Let's go with Charles Nagy. Oh, nice. Carlos Baerga. Oh, yeah. That was from the golden era. Yeah. When I was on the World Series. So did you, despite seeing Santa sans Santa gear, did you give him

the picture anyways, or did you crumple it up in a rage? I saw it on top of his supplies or whatever. Santa supplies. You saw it inside a box that said, jerk off to this later. Yeah. That's when. Can I interject here for a second? I'm really worried now that I've said it out loud that Odomi McDowell didn't play for the Indians.

He only played for the Texas Rangers. So I'm just going to let everybody out there know who's really keen on the baseball of 1988 that don't email. Just don't send me an email. It's not worth it. Well, I would say that he did not play for the Indians because it would have at least rung a bell. Like Buddy Bell. Right? Sandy Alomar Jr.? Sounds about right.

Yeah. I'm back. Great. I'm back. Great. Welcome back. Have I ruined your podcast? No.

I'd like to ask this question about 10, 15 minutes in. No. I would say you have at least 20, 25 minutes before you ruin it. We're headed. I mean, you have cut the brake lines. Yeah. And we're headed downhill. Yeah.

We're careening out of control. I just know the world we live in, and I know people are going to let you know whether I ruined it or not. Yeah. They're going to let you know. They'll probably let me know. They will let me know. They got your Twitter handle. Yeah, they'll be like, you ruined the podcast.

At Mr. Dave Hill. At Mr. Dave Hill. But I did Adam Carolla, as we were talking about in the elevator, when I was wearing my velvet suit. Which you are still wearing and always wear. Yeah, but I took off the Jodd purse. Now I'm just in a... I don't even know why I wore those here.

Well, do you ride here? No, that's what was weird about it. You drove here. You still have on your jaunty cap, though. Yeah, I do have my jaunty cap on. You have that whip, too. Yeah. That riding crop.

Yeah, and there's a live wounded fox. Right. We didn't bring him in the studio. Yeah, he is. As we're signing off, you're going to deliver the killing blow. Yeah, yeah. That's your plan. Put him out of his misery.

It's such a dramatic sign-off. Make a girl's dreams come true. Dave, you also fuck in the suit, from what I understand. I guide up to a lot of fucking, and I do wear the suit when I do it. Good. Yeah, because I don't want to – I mean, again, I mean, I imagine, you know, you could be in a situation where you would go home with a young lady and you come out of the bathroom, you know, nude and she would be disappointed and say, I thought you always wore the suit. No, I gave him the suit. Yeah.

Sure. I don't mind a little dry cleaning, Bill. Don't mind. And you got a good dry cleaner. Yeah, I gave him the suit. Yeah. Sure. I don't mind a little dry cleaning, Bill. Right? Don't mind. And you got a good dry cleaner. Yeah, I got it. Discreet. Yeah.

He's very, yeah. Does not question, does not open the bag until I leave. Not one of these Monica Lewinsky situations. The quote under the sign is, we'll assume that's pudding. I did actually, I had a homeless person dump an entire bottle of piss on me recently. What? No. I swear to you.

That's not real. That's true. Now, when you say bottle, not like a baby's bottle, like a water bottle. Giant Gatorade bottle. What? Full of piss. Hobo pee. Oh, my God.

Like buttery hobo. So the consistency led you to believe it was. The pee of a dehydrated, a man who's not, you know the kind I'm talking about. Very murky. Yeah, yeah, sure. Very yellow, and he threw it at me. And, uh. Were you, you hadn't engaged him.

Like, you weren't talking to him? I said, show me what you got, motherfucker. Okay. He was asleep. He did not react. So I said, no, no. Technically, did you dump this jar of pee on yourself? And technically, was the hobo you?

You know, now we're getting into semantics, I feel like. Right. Sorry. Well, yeah, no, this is into semantics, I feel like. Sorry. Well, yeah. No, this is more of a Rashomon scenario now. We'll get the bum in here next week and he'll tell his side of the story. No, I was eating a gyro and there was no trash can. I was in the subway and I set it down on the storage bin thing that was at the end of the platform.

And he was not happy about it. I didn't see him there. He was like, back up! He keeps yelling at me. Was he Greek? He was Greek, yeah. He was from Mykonos, he said? No, he was from Lesbos. Lesbos, from the Isle of Lesbos.

No, and he all of a sudden was like, back up. And I wasn't really moving because I was like, what's this guy going to do? So he didn't like that you were littering, that you were wasting food? Unclear. Okay. Just mad at the Giro place. I didn't waste any food.

I ate all of it. Okay. No, I mean, and he was like a crazy caveman, homeless. So I didn't move. But part of me thought, like, this might not even be about me. Like, he may be mad at an imaginary person standing right where I am, basically. And so I thought. Maybe he's mad at radio waves.

Yeah, yeah. This could, you know. So I didn't really move that much, a few inches. And then he's like, back up or I'll throw this bottle of piss on you. And all of a sudden this bottle of piss appears from out of nowhere like a ninja. Did it have a sound? Yeah. And then before he even finished the sentence, he just launched the whole thing at me.

Was it open? Yeah. Like, yeah. He whipped the cap off in one motion, but just blasted me. I'm wearing a – getting back to Paul Smith. Right. I'm wearing a Paul Smith suit. Have you talked to Paul about this?

I would like to. I think that he would – I think he'd be willing to replace this suit. No. You know what? I don't know because I wrote to Paul Smith, well, the website. Because you've probably had this problem with their socks. And I find this any nice socks, like with designs on them and such, they fall apart. Do you find this?

It's interesting. Like stuff with patterns, you know, floral prints or whatever uh a nice sock i like a jaunty sock sure give them a show right absolutely show an ankle from time to time yeah and but you know if they're not solid i find that the fabric is somehow compromised and paul smith socks are like 30 usually there's a lot to pay to pay for a sock. Yeah, I only get them on sale. I only buy them on sale. Did you put that in the letter? I didn't mention the sale, but I wrote through the website.

I said, look, you're selling socks for $30. I realize I don't have to buy them, but I do because I like them. I like the way that you kick an outfit up like another level. You show a little sock, but I'm like, they all fall apart. And they never wrote back. They didn't just send you a copy of Things Fall Apart by Chinua. Maybe. I mean, I think something that you need to realize, Dave, is that Hobo P has a corrosive

quality. So maybe that's what's ruining your socks. Well, no. Do you keep getting into this Hobo P situation, Dave? Is that what you're holding back from us? No, but what happened with me, well, here, I did worry about the corrosive effects of Hobo P. So I covered in piss, my hair, everything, like literally. From head to souvlaki.

So this like hit you. He nailed me. Like impeccable aim. Yeah. Not a drop wasted. Like probably a few weeks worth of hobo pee. Yeah. And he nailed me.

It maybe like bounced off me and maybe a few drops got on other people. Like people scattered. Yeah. But he really was all all he really was like this is all for you pal and covered me like he soaked through my pants through my underwear he effectively wet my pants with his piss it was a situation and i was going out to brooklyn to do a show and i had to get out of the i just like went outside and i called and i was like hey run a little late hobo p i'll'll see you when I get there.

And couldn't get a cab. Ended up having to get like a town car, like $20 for what would have been a $5 ride. You had to get a car service. Yeah. Well, you know, they were pulling, one pulled over, like a Lincoln. But it's expensive. But I was like, I can't, you know, I just got to get. Did you tell the guy that you were urine soaked?

No. It was hard because I was on the phone. Because, of course, I'm calling everyone. I'm like, you're never going to believe this. But then as soon as I got in the car, I realized I couldn't tell people what happened. So I started texting people. But I went home. And I was like, how do I get into my apartment covered in hobo piss?

Like, what? And so it's very. You live in a doorman building? No. I mean, you would think, a guy like me. Right. But I don't. I live in a.

You cavort with the common man. I really do. You know, people have this impression of me sometimes that I'm fancy. And don't get me wrong. I am. But I'm also, you know, I'm from Cleveland. I'm a regular dude. Right.

So I live in a regular building. Right. I keep it real. Sometimes. You and Drew Carey. Yeah, yeah. We're just people. Yeah.

And Charles Nagy, Cleveland Indians. Yeah. Sure. Charles Nagy. And Boog Powell. Yeah, and Boog Powell. And so, yeah, I had to get in my apartment and I thought it out. I'm like, okay, if this is how you do it, this is how you get in and not get pissed on anything.

And I had a whole strategy, and, like, it was a mission impossible scenario. But basically the long and short of it is I took everything off. In a lobby. No. I went inside, got a trash bag right away, set down my keys and all that stuff, bag right away, set down my keys and all that stuff, and made a mental note to decontaminate all those items, because everything had piss on it. And I took the suit off, Thomas Pink shirt, vintage tie I got in London. Oh, man, that's international.

I know, it's an international outfit. And the pocket square bought for me by you, though you probably don't realize it. But when I did the pocket square thing for Put This On, Benjamin bought one at this shop because the one I brought was crappy. And he let me keep it, which is very nice. Wow. That sounds horrible. You can take that out of it. You know what you should have did? You know what you should have done did? Yeah. He let me keep it, which is very nice. Wow. That sounds horrible. You can take that out of it. What a disaster.

You know what you should have did? You know what you should have done did? Yeah. I'll tell you what we did. When we were shooting Put This On, we shot this commercial for Lifeway Kiefer. Shout out to my people up at Lifeway Kiefer. It's a fine keifer. What is a keifer?

It's a drinkable yogurt. It's got a lot of probiotics. Now it's getting in my head, yeah. This stuff is tremendous. I actually really do like this stuff. It's great. They sponsored probiotics. Now it's getting in my head, yeah. This stuff is tremendous. I actually really do like this stuff. It's great. They sponsored an episode of Put This On. And so we made a commercial for them. And we came up.

They told us, to their credit, they said, just do whatever you want. And, you know, make sure you mention Lifeway Kiefer. So we did a commercial, the premise of which was that I was pouring Kiefer over my head because I wanted the probiotics and I didn't understand you're supposed to drink it. So I wore – we had planned to buy a suit at a thrift store. But we didn't have time. We were shooting 14 hours a day when we were in New York and we realized that we had not actually bought a suit. So it turns out that Ben Harrison, who you know, the director of Put This On, is the same size as me. He's also a 42 long. Another well-dressed man. A very well-dressed man. And

so he said, listen, I have this, I have this Dolce and Gabbana suit I don't ever wear. He said, listen, I have this Dolce & Gabbana suit I don't ever wear. You can just wear it for this. And I'm like, Ben, I don't know, you know. That suit must have cost you some money. He's like, oh, you know, I bought it at Lohman's. It only cost me a few hundred dollars, and I really don't ever wear it. And I was really uncomfortable with it until he actually brought his girlfriend into the mix. Rachel confirmed that he never wears this suit.

He actually brought his girlfriend into the mix. Rachel confirmed that he never wears this suit. So I put on this suit and we do the commercial and we only get one shot at it because there's no cleaning me up. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. So we pour it. We can bring in the folks from Industrial Light and Magic.

Yeah, that's true. We had a pretty good FX budget on this shoot. We just blew it all on that one dinosaur in the background. The one that made no sense. Yeah. I don't know why we wanted to put – I don't know. It was something about raptors and group behavior and doorknobs. But anyway, I poured all this kefir on myself and it was soaked in kefir. And I had kefir in my eyes.

It was like stinging my eyes. But I had to just do my lines because we couldn't go back. So I did my lines with It was like stinging my eyes. But I had to just do my lines because we couldn't go back. So I did my lines with this kefir stinging my eyes. And the suit was seriously soaked through because I poured in the course of making this commercial three bottles of kefir one after another on my head because the rule of threes. Yeah. And so we pack it up. I take off this thing and I have this I have this great idea. I'm like, there's this there's this cleaners in Arizona that is a famous cleaners that they're like they're one of the only cleaners in North America who will actually clean a suit properly. Because generally what people do is they put it in a thing that presses it flat and you

lose the three-dimensionality of the suit. Whereas a tailor would do what's called a sponge and press, which basically takes the spots out and brushes off the dust, but then reforms it into the three-dimensional shape that it should be. I did not know this. So this guy, Stu, has this big fancy cleaning service in Arizona, and he does mail-order dry cleaning. So I'm like, I have this great idea.

We're going to save this suit by sending it to Stu, which is a pretty good idea. And so we wrapped it up, and we put it in a priority mailbox. And because we were flying out to Italy the next day, we couldn't, no big deal. We couldn't, we couldn't send it. We couldn't get to the post office, but we're, but we're like, okay, we'll just have Rachel send it. Sure. But, um, Ben, uh, called me when we got back from our trip

10 days later and said hey Jesse I just realized I forgot to tell Rachel to send that package and so this kefir had been festering on this suit in a warm dark environment

and it had basically bloomed fully and it's already probiotic there's already plenty of biotics going on dark environment and had basically bloomed fully. Wow. And it's already probiotic. There's already plenty of biotics going on in there. Sure. There's no shortage of biotics. But we sent it to Stu anyway.

And when he opened the package, it had become sentient and it killed him. No, he- It had come to life. He ended up becoming Venom from Spider-Man. Oh, okay. Yeah. He sent us pictures of what it was because Ben didn't open the package before he mailed it. He just was like, okay, well, I better just mail it without thinking that it would be rank and disgusting.

But by the time it got to Stu, you know, four days after that, so basically two weeks after we put it in this box, he took pictures of it. It was the most disgusting thing you've ever seen in your entire life. So basically two weeks after we put it in this box. He took pictures of it. It was the most disgusting thing you've ever seen in your entire life. It looked like Mossman from Masters of the Universe. Oh, my gosh. Like just full on green and fuzzy and just sickening. And he fucking pulled it out. Whoa.

Somehow, shout out to Rave Fabricare in Arizona. That's what it's called. Yeah, Rave Fabricare. Did he charge you extra? In fact, he comped us. Because? Because we're celebrities. Oh, sure, yeah. Well, that's the life, basically.

Yeah. I mean, we didn't expect him to comp us. We were expecting to pay, but- Well, what did it cost? $25 or something like us. We were expecting to pay, but... What would it have cost? $25 or something like that. Plus postage? Yeah, plus postage. It should be about $5?

No, $10 or $12. I mean, it's a whole suit. So I think you're looking at $50 both ways, something like that. Wow. I may be incorrect. It's a heck of a job. Our lazy producer, Lindsay, is not looking this up right now. She's just leaning back and enjoying herself.

But I think Rave Fabric here charges about $50. Okay. Dave, so what happened with your pee clothes? Oh, sure. That would have been funny if it was a pee coat that got the pee on it. Okay, continue the story. I just thought that would be fun. Anyway, what did Stu have to say?

Well, my Stu, because I just go to the place. They're probably trashing my clothes. But I just went to the place on the street. I put it all in a bag. And I said, don't open this. Just get it. Wash it. Let's not make this between you and me.

Let's make this someone else's problem. Just take the bag. Send it. Do what you're going to do. And they're like're gonna do and they're like okay and they're like well what happened i was like and i was because i thought if i said hobo p they would just like get out get out and i said well homeless guy threw a bottle of something on me i don't know what it was yeah and they said okay uh and then so she walked away this lady and then this other guy comes up he's like oh what's this and he takes everything out the the piss soaked suit and everything he's getting it all over like oh it's wet

and then and it smelled disgusting like once i didn't notice it outside when i got in my apartment the real power of the p took over and it was really gross but then then she's like, oh, it smells good. And I didn't. Maybe it was like my natural musk overpower. Yeah. I mean, I'm noticing it from here. I do smell great. Yeah. She was speaking specifically about your pheromones.

That could have been what she was picking up on. Do you think it's possible? I'm just going to run something by you. Oh. That this homeless man was a hunter. What? He actually dumped a bunch of deer piss on you, which is what hunters use.

Or vagina fluid. And. And. Estrus. And, yes. And the woman in the dry cleaner was a lady deer my head just exploded or a stag in the case of estrus

wow so the pheromones I like your version of events better in a world where animals own businesses squirrels mostly but the occasional but yeah The world where animals own businesses. Yeah. Squirrels mostly. But the occasional.

But yeah, I have not worn the suit since. It's more of the B-team suit anyway. You know what business the squirrels mostly own? Chock full of nuts. I would love to go to a squirrel business. Get over here. Hey there, little buddy. What you doing with those tiny hands?

Yeah. A bakery? Oh, man. I'm in. A little tea party? A little tea party shop where you drink out of an acorn?

I'll take 50 squirrel-sized scones, please. That's fun. That would be a delight. We have a lot of fun imagining a sort of mystical version

of New York City. Yeah. Well, that's a world I want to live in. It's not too far. You can make... But, I mean, God, the fucking rent on Hollow Tree these days. Hollow Tree these days. Oh, gosh, yeah.

We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan. Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne. America's radio. Sweet. Jordan Morris,

boy detective. I'm Dave Hill. The pride of Cleveland. You are. Well, since Harvey P car passed. Yeah. I'm Dave Hill, the pride of Cleveland. You are? Well, since Harvey P. Carr passed. Yeah. I used to see him around. And Jim Tomei retired.

Did he? Yeah. Where did the years go? Yeah, I don't know. No, it's a dangerous thing to say because Cleveland, you know, I can't say that I'm the pride of Cleveland. Maybe to some. I mean, I guess everyone... What would you say, 55%?

Everyone gets a shot at it. Who else is in the running these days? I guess the aforementioned Drew Carey. Drew Carey, yeah. Him. Harvey Pekar's dead. Harvey Pekar. He passed on.

Fred Willard. Oh, yeah. But I hate to tell you, Dave, but there's been some news about Fred Willard. What's the latest? Well, he's really hilarious. Yeah. America has remembered how hilarious he is. He's great.

And even when the movie's not that good, he's really funny in it. It's true. That's the latest news about Fred Willard. He steals every movie. That's all there is to know about Mr. Fred Willard. I was actually tempted. I know what you're referring to. And thus all there is to know about Mr. Fred Willard. I was actually tempted. I know what you're referring to. Unless there are more developments.

I have not been following the story closely. But he got. Oh, he jerks off on everything, too. He got popped for something. Yeah. For jerking off, right? Yes. I really.

I mean, I know I'm not the only person that's ever said this. But I thought we should all go jerk off somewhere in solidarity. Solidarity. A kind of a jerk in. Yeah. They can't arrest all of us, and if they do, it's going to be a goddamn mess. Yeah. Jordan, jerk. That sounds fun and kind of hot.

Jerk in or jerk off in? Oh, okay. Jerk off in. Or jerk chicken. Oh, yeah. Let's all go for jerk chicken. Let's all go for Jamaican food. In honor of Fred Willard.

Sure. Wait, no. Is there any more new developments to the story? Jamaica's favorite son. I don't think so. Yeah. I haven't – I saw him on the Jimmy Fallon program.

Yes. And he says that he didn't do anything illegal and that's why they didn't press any charges or anything. So my presumption is that maybe he was – I mean he may just be saying that because he's 80 and he can say whatever he wants because they didn't press charges. Sure. But maybe he was in the porno theater but his dick was in his pants. Okay. Which, you know, any of us could have been there. Yeah, yeah.

If you saw a porno theater by yourself, didn't have anything better to do, you'd think, huh, porno theater, huh? Yeah, why not? These are still around? I want to know what this is. Yeah, it's charming. Yeah, no, I mean, I have driven by the porno theater many times where he got busted and kind of wondered about it.

I mean it's – the area is really scummy that it's in. I mean it's unusually scummy. So – and not like – it's not like ethnic scummy but it's like – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. It's like a severe white guy, like shaky meth guy scummy. Okay. Lots of mattress outlets and things like that. Lots of mattresses on the ground that you can just sleep on.

Oh, okay. That's different. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, but no, my curiosity has never gotten the better of me. Do they show – I mean, here's a question. Yeah. Are they just projecting from a DVD player or are there still films being distributed to porno theaters?

Oh yeah, I wonder. On film. I would, I hope so. I would like to see it. That's the world I want. I would like that. Well, you know, Martin Scorsese has been very vocal about preserving our nation's pornographic films. I played in a place. Our jerk-off legacy.

Yeah. It's our heritage. I mean, all those silent jerk-off movies. Sure. I wasn't really paying attention during Hugo, I should say. I was only half paying attention. Dave, you were playing a place. Oh, this is nice.

There was a venue, I think, called The Skinny in Portland, Oregon. I was rocking and rolling in a band I was in at the time, Cobra Verde. And we played at a porno theater that had been converted into an art space.

They went from showing art films to having arts. I love... Why don't they call them art films anymore? There's another question. Yeah, French movies. Well, nudist documentaries. Sure, nudist documentaries. Gonzo Docs.

Yeah. And the dressing room was the projection room. Oh, wow. And they were like, yeah, we actually found a lot of old-timey jizz movies.

Old-time jizz? You know what? Jizz flicks. Let's bring back the exploitation documentary. Hmm. Okay. Let's put some teens on acid and see what happens. Oh, yeah.

Let's go to a nudist colony. Let's go to a- On acid. On acid. On acid. See what happens. Let's go to a nation where women don't wear shirts and make an ethnological- Yeah. Yeah.

No, I like that. Yeah. I mean, maybe we can bring this country back around to getting aroused under the guise of education. Exactly. That's exactly- Let's watch a car crash in slow motion. Wait,

what? Is that wrong? Yeah. Cause the guy. Am I mixed up? Maybe a little bit. David Cronenberg. Yeah.

David Cronenberg. Right. Gotcha. We can get Werner Herzog on board for this. I would love this. That would be nice. The Hertz is in. I'll call him.

He's good to my house. Let's do this. Why wouldn't he be? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's so funny that, like, you know, doing a lot of your jerking off in porno theaters. It's probably just like such a part of your sexuality that like, you know, the laptop or the computer probably just doesn't it doesn't register to you as a sexual experience. It's probably like buying that ticket and sitting down. Yeah. Part of the whole ritual.

Yeah. Yeah. So I bet like, yeah, but like bet like you know when we're older and you know mind mind jerk offs are rocketed at us from satellites yeah up our nose yeah or you know or the noses of younger people like we'll like we'll probably still have that sexual relationship to like you know being in the dark room and opening up the laptop and our kids will be dad what are you doing? Oh, I'll jerk off in front of my kids, too, by the way. Oh, yeah. Grandpa.

Yeah, there's no shame. This is the future, Jordan. Yeah. Some more enlightened time. Right. I can't really – I'm not saying I don't watch certain things on the Internet, but I don't combine my activities with it. Like, I'm always like, well...

So you'll look at the things on the internet. Make a mental note. You'll see what there is to see. Yeah, and I'll sort of, you know, work that in as needed later in my brain. That's interesting. Yeah. I would venture to guess that's unusual. Well, you know, so am I, I guess.

I don't know. And, I mean, we should mention that you're only doing this, what, once or twice a year when there's nobody? Completely backed up, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, when there's no one, yeah. Because you have a lot of problems with too many women wanting to sleep with you. I get up to a lot of fucking.

Sure. Let's just get that. No, I mean, you have to have a mighty reserve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't be draining. I can't be. And to deplete any of that, you know, just for pure pleasure would be. How is it possible that someone tweeted me the other day and said we were disgusting and vulgar on this program?

Well, I was going to say. How is it possible? Yeah, I feel like. Probably a mistake. Kind of like maybe we shouldn't. Let's elevate. I liked it better than when we were talking about the details of my clothing. You know.

That was nice. That is something you can listen to. Yeah, sure. To be fair. You know what we should be talking about? What? Medicare. Medicare. Defending it. Mm-hmm. You know what we should be talking about? What? Medicare. Medicare.

Defending it. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I feel like I'm not qualified to talk about that. What if I hurt myself jerking off? Yeah. I need medical attention. We haven't even mentioned that I have a book out even. We'll do that in the pre and post. I mentioned it in your intro.

I mentioned you were a writing author. Oh, yeah, you did. Of the hit book Tasteful Nudes. Yeah, it's a great book. I read the whole thing. Oh, thank you. You were on Bullseye. Yeah, yeah.

We discussed it. We talked about when you went to Sing Sing to perform. Oh, yeah. No, we don't have to talk about it now. I was just trying to think of things that we could talk about. I don't want to talk about it now, Dave. No, me neither. I'm just saying instead of people talking about jerking off and things like that, we could talk about literature.

You know what? I wanted to say another thing about quality control with clothing. Sure. Right. I bought some Vivian Westwood sport coats recently. Yeah. And they, you know, they have this- Celebrated English designer.

Yeah. And they make the best clothes, I think. And the buttons, you know, they're distinctive. Sure. You can't just throw any old buttons. These are colorful. Yeah. And two of the jackets I got had the, you know, the orb, the Vivian Westwood like thing

on it. And it broke in half. I wrote to them and I said, where do I got to get another one of these buttons? They never wrote back. You didn't come with extra buttons? It didn't come with it. I don't know why. Because you got it on sale.

I did actually. That's the problem. You're bottom feeding here. I wrote to the guy that I bought it from, and I was like, I know you got extra buttons. Mr. Vivian Westwood? Yeah. And he's like, I do have extra buttons. They are soaking in a jar of hobo piss.

That's funny. Oh, boy. Not again. Teresa asked me the other day, as we were walking the dogs. You have two dogs? Two dogs, Coco and Sissy. Is one of them new? One of them's newer than the other.

Well, sure. Unless they came out. They're not related. No, they're not related. But I've met one. I feel like I've not met. You've probably met Coco and you haven't met Sis. Right.

I have a picture of Coco on my phone. That's really sweet. Yeah. It's great. We're walking the dogs. My son Simon is in the- I'm carrying Simon in the Ergo on my chest. What is that?

Is that like- It's like a bag on your chest. It's like a baby sling. Baby bag. It's like a baby backpack, but it goes on your front. Sure. And it's like a baby Bjorn, but a little less structured. Yeah, you just throw it in there.

Absolutely. The baby. Throw that fucker in there and see what happens. Yeah. Maybe it'll fall, maybe it won't. If you're not going to roll the dice, what's the point of playing the game? Makes sense. it won't if you're not going to roll the dice what's the point of playing the game makes sense so my wife says to me hey jesse how old do you think simon should be before he listens to jordan jesse go and i decided on that he should not well we first of, we had an argument because I thought that he would not want to listen to Jordan Jesse go because why would he?

That's his dad, and dads are boring. True. Well, I feel like you're not. I mean, you're not a boring dad. I bet you get up to all sorts of crazy shit. Well, then he would just be embarrassed by it then. What about Uncle Jordan? Crazy Uncle Jordan who lives above the garage.

That's true. Oh, by the way, Jesse, can I move in above your garage? Sorry. Thanks for that segue, Dave. I just wanted to see that. I'm really hard up. Jordan, when you say, can I move in above the garage, can we please just put it out in the open? Can you acknowledge that for the past six months you have been living above my garage?

Yes. Can I go public with that information? Yes. Yeah. You can- Wait. Are you really? No, I'm not.

Oh. But I mean, you know, if it's a rent-free situation or if it's like I chip in with chores or- You should know that there's no structure above the garage. You just have to pitch a tent. That's what I meant. Okay. Great. Yeah.

And I mean the kind of tent that you can sleep in. Oh. When I say pitch a tent, I mean for shelter. I was just going to be constantly hard on top of your garage and live my life like that. Sure. Anyway, what do you guys think? 15? 14?

15? It's going to be- Do you mean the archive or will you- Do you guys think you'll- And I think you should. Will you be doing episodes in 14 years? I'll be dead by then. You will.

I'll have followed off the garage. I bet on you in a death pool recently. Oh, really? Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Six weeks. Me and Jose Canseco, right? Jose Canseco is going to live to be 130, Jordan.

Oh, yeah? Is that what he be 130, Jordan. Oh, yeah? Is that what he's saying? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Maybe it's 120. Hmm. What do you think, though? A, do you think that my child and presumably one day Jordan will accidentally impregnate a woman?

Oh, yeah. Here's hoping. I've stopped using condoms, so, I mean, fingers crossed. You're using the fingers crossed method? Yeah, yeah. Did you learn about that in Catholic school? It's a surefire way to get someone accidentally pregnant. So they have to marry you.

So what do you think? I mean, A, do you think that's something that my child, my son, will be interested in? Because I'm not convinced of that. I think there's – it seems like there is a period of time when a kid is really interested in what their parents are doing. I think that's like six to ten. And then the kind of teenager shit kind of kicks in and then you get a little less interested in what your parents are doing. And then he'll come back when he's like 30. I remember when I was like seven or eight and it was the day where you write the little essay

about what you want to be when you grow up. I remember writing, I want to become a veterans peace activist. Yeah. Like my dad. No, I mean, I definitely remember. Oh, really? Is that what he did? He does what he did, yeah. Wow.

But yeah, I mean, I definitely remember like it being a blast. There being a period of time where it was a blast to go to my dad's office. What did your dad do or does he do? Boy, I don't know what he does now. He just kind of, he had a series of failed businesses where he would just have like rent an office space until the business failed. Kind of like this operation. Yeah, yeah. You guys have an office space.

Fly by night kind of, you know, a pyramid scheme. No, this is an empire. Yeah. I want in. Yeah? Yeah. Just kind of been waiting. What do you have to contribute to the empire?

I don't know. Grain? I got good outfits. Irrigation? Yeah, I don't know. I'm a hands-on, hands-off kind of guy. Okay. Grout work is incredible.

Oh, yeah. We need some of that. I brought you into the empire. I know.'t know. I'm a hands-on, hands-off kind of guy. Grout work is incredible. Oh, yeah. We need some of that. I brought you into the empire. I know. I know. I hired you. I hired you. I sent you checks.

Oh, I know. I feel a part of the empire. And I'm- You're the man behind rudiments. Yeah. And people write to me, actually, quite a bit and say how much they enjoy it. Oh, that's great. And I say, well, thank you.

It's a great show, and I'm honored to be a part of it. People write to me a lot a bit and say how much they enjoy it. Oh, that's great. And I say, well, thank you. It's a great show and I'm honored to be a part of it. People write to me a lot and say, bring back Adam. Who's Adam? Yeah, exactly. That's what I write to them. Wait, the old Rudiments guy. Really? People wrote and said that?

Yes, of course they did. They said, we don't want Dave Hill? People like the thing they're previously familiar with, Dave. Wait, when I came on to do the- I don't know what you guys are talking about. Rudiments is a segment on Put This On. Oh, okay. Wait, people were like, bring back-

I thought you were talking about late 80s punk ska band, The Rudiments. That is. It's hard. This whole time. Because I was mad when Dave joined that band, too. Adam used to play the trombone, but then Dave replaced him. Oh, okay. No, I was the hype man.

Yeah, dancing mostly. And then you went to work for the Mighty White Hostels. I wouldn't be the worst hype man. I feel like I'm the anti-hype man. I don't know. I think you could be a great hype man. I don't know if you could be as great as that guy from the St. Lunatics who wore

the catcher's gear. I don't know who that is. You know the guy I'm talking about? Is that part of Nelly's group? What happened to Nelly? He had a guy in his group that wore – it was like his thing was he was going to be the greatest hype man ever. And he wore catcher's gear while he hype manned. That's not bad, actually. By the way, thanks for looking that up for us, Lindsay.

The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, the dancer guy, I don't know his name, but I was always amazed that he was like kind of chunky. There's a dancer guy in the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones? He just dances the entire set. Yeah, that was one of their signatures, you know, in addition to a

at the time revolutionary blend of hardcore music and ska was always suits. And they had a little chunky little dancer guy who was kind of remarkably spry. Can you imagine? Weirdly chunky given he's dancing for like an hour and a half every night. Yeah, you would think that that guy would at some point get fit. Not the case.

Isn't there a point where you're voting on who gets a world series share and the mighty mighty boss tones and everyone looks at this is you know you get you get a certain amount of money for winning the world series oh i see and the team votes on who gets a share and you know they do they vote a share to the clubhouse guy and they vote a share to the bat boy and so on uh-huh they're looking at this fucking dancer guy and they're like, really? I already had to split this seven ways. I got to split it eight ways for your fat ass. Yeah. It must be.

Yeah. Weird. I'm sure he had some sort of he had some sort of like flat fee buyout kind of thing. I would have just been like, I bet he did. He was on salary. Yeah. Well, that's bad. He's probably like paid the same as like the road crew or something.

Do you think that as the third wave dwindled that it became harder and harder for the Mighty Mighty Boss Stones to cover his salary? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. With their touring. I would love to hear an explanation. What's their residuals from the hit song Knock on Wood? Sure.

That's a Mighty Mighty Boss Stones song. Yes? Yeah. That'll do it. Yes! Yeah. That's a Mighty Mighty Boss song. Yes? Yeah. That'll do it. Yes! Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, I'd like to see you say the name of a rap song, Morris. Sure.

Money and Attractive Women by a Blackfellow. There you go. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dave Hill, walking miracle. Yeah, that's a good one. Oh, man, that's fun. Hey, sponsors on this week's program, Ask

Metafilter. Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. That sounds reputable. It's highly reputable. This is one of the most reputable internet websites. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of yahoo.com internet websites. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of Yahoo.com? Yahoo?

Yeah, yeah. I just was checking. Have you heard of FogDog.com? Who is it? This is top three. I'd say the top three are Yahoo.com, FogDog.com, and Ask.Net. Is that like dog pile? Fog Dog, they sell sporting goods.

Sporting goods. Oh, that would be good for me because I'm interested in that. Yeah, great. Excellent. What do you get? A tennis racket? I'm interested in that. Yeah, great. Excellent. What do you get? A tennis racket? I play a little tennis. Badminton racket?

Yeah, why not? Squash racket? No. No? No, not in squash. Racquetball racket? Not that into racquetball. I can see you playing squash.

I would. I can see Dave Hill at the New York Athletic Club in short shorts. a tight tee, sweating it out with an elderly Jewish man in a squash court. It would be awesome. And then we head over to Barney Greengrass. Absolutely. That sounds like the perfect day. That sounds basically like the greatest thing you could ever do. That does sound great.

I'm into it. All right. I'll do it. One time my mom had a fellowship at a little outfit called Harvard University. That was my safety school. And the guy who was running her little fellowship program was a squash player. I went and played squash with him. program was a squash player. I went and played squash with him, and I was like, Jesus Christ, I got to become like a middle-aged, upper-middle-class, white guy.

This all sounds very doable. So that I, but in an urban environment. Okay. So that I can go to the squash club with one of those little squash bags and play squash. Because it's a blast. You put on special goggles. I mean, come on. Yeah.

Well, anything with goggles. It's super hard. Like, it's super, super intense. Yeah. But you're just hitting the ball all the time. You know, you just hit as hard as you can. I don't know. I'm wild for it.

I played Hi-Li on my hit series, King of Miami. Canceled. Yeah. You can watch it on Hulu. Yeah? Can you watch King of Miami on Hulu? Yeah, the whole season. Oh, I really recommend people watch that.

I really enjoyed it. I watched the whole thing. Thank you. That was a blast. That was one of the first times I did your program, Sound of America. Yeah, that was a long time ago. Back in the Koreatown days. It was really hot.

Would you say that the cancellation was too much high lie or not enough high lie? You know, I go back and forth on that one. Yeah. Not enough, I would say. Yeah. Do you think if there was more high lie, you'd still be- I would have been all for it. It's a difficult sport.

It's a game of kings. You know, there's a lot of people out there right now, Jordan, who are saying to themselves, what is high lie and how can I play it in my area? It's Brazilian, right? You know what I recommend? Ask Metafilter. Online at ask.metafilter.com. Jumbotron, by the way, empty this week.

That's a shame. Go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. Get your message out there. How much do you have to pay to get a commercial? For the Jumbotron, it's cheap. No, I mean here on this podcast. Yeah, I'm talking about get it on the Jumbotron, it's cheap. No, I mean here on this podcast. Yeah, I'm talking about get on the Jumbotron on Jordan Jesse Go. Oh, okay.

We're talking about $100 for a personal message, $200 for a commercial message. Okay. It's as easy as that. Those are both out of my range. I was going to try to get you to give a big plug to my book and also my highlight. But you know, Dave, we also take urine-soaked sport coats. Doable. Okay. I have not worn that suit yet, because it's

like messing with my mind. Yeah, no, I bet there's like a weird sense memory associated with it. It's probably like a phantom piss smell around the jacket. Well, arguably, a real piss smell around my apartment. Did it come out okay? I didn't even look. It's still in the plastic. I was like, I don't even want to know. I need to

create a new memory around that suit. Maybe if you do a great reading for your hit book, Tasteful Nudes. Available now. Wherever books are sold. Wherever incredible books are sold. The Incredibookstore. I went into Skylight Books here in town the other day, and they had it, and I signed them all. So you could go there.

Did you do it surreptitiously? I didn't. I signed a lot of books that day. No, I did. It's embarrassing, but it was recommended that I do that. My agent was like, oh, if you're ever in a bookstore, introduce yourself. You know, it's a good thing to do. And I'm, you know, despite the velvet suits and all that, I'm actually quite a shy person.

You would not know that. No. But, yeah, I'm actually a live a life of terror. Don't like to talk to people, really. So for me to. Especially those asshole bookstore clerks. Oh, yeah. They'll probably just tear you down with their bookstore zingers

I read all of A Purpose Driven Life yeah and they listen to Terry Gross on the way over Johnny get me started and their glasses oh I can see so well I wore glasses over here I don't know if you saw them

I wear glasses to sporting events and museums. If I could go to like a cathedral or something, I want to check that out. Yeah, for sure. Slap on the glasses. Art museum. And driving in Los Angeles. Those are the areas.

Sounds like great places to wear glasses. Yeah, I'm just workshopping that story. It's not the best story. Well, I wouldn't characterize it as moth-ready. Yeah. No, no. But maybe moth story slam. Maybe I'll get up there.

Sure, bring it out to the story slam. I'll say maybe like the Laugh Factory or the Comedy Store. Yeah. Because it has so much racial humor in it. Yeah. You know where I would bring it? TED Talk. Oh, yeah.

I'm hoping I'd get one of those. I think I need to like secret that and just say – I don't know if people still do that. But it would be like I would do a Ted Talk if someone – because I think I have this reputation. Yeah. People think like – People think you're too big for that. Well, like I don't want to do stuff. They think like – like people are always like, oh, we weren't even going to ask because we didn't think you would want to do it.

I want to do – like I got enough – You want to live life. Yeah. This is why I'm here. I want to do it. I want to do everything. You want to live life. Yeah, that's why I'm here. I want to do stuff. What you should do is make a vision board, but just put up pictures of Ted McGinley from Married with Children. Whoa, way ahead of you. And then you'll get a TED Talk.

Way ahead of you on that. You have to talk to it every night. Right. Hey, Ted, you were great in Married with Children, and also as the bully in Revenge of the Nerds. I did a TEDx Talk, which is where someone gives TED $10,000 and then they can pretend to be a TED talk. Really? And how much did you get? I got nothing. Off the record.

I got paid zero. I had to fly to Florida. It was at the Poynter Institute. They paid for that, right? They bought my plane ticket. Room service card? No, sir. Fuck. I know.

I had to buy my own food. I don't want to live in this world. So I fly all the way to Florida. I do this talk. I put together a great talk. Yeah, I don't doubt it. Look. You're a man of letters.

Yeah. I fucking- I delivered a tremendous talk for these people. People loved it. They're rolling in the aisles. They're standing up applauding. It was tremendous. Did you wear a tie for that?

Yes. Okay. Suit too. Yeah. the aisles they're standing up applauding it was tremendous did you wear a tie for that yes okay suit too yeah and i got home they post the video the sound is all fucked up i can nope i cannot prove that i made my own ted talk because of this fucked up sound i can't like send it to somebody because it sounds it makes it seem like sounds made up it's because it makes it seem like – It sounds made up. It makes it seem like I just stood in front of a sheet and recorded a video and then uploaded it to YouTube and wrote TEDx Pointer Institute Jesse Thorne. That's my takeaway from this is that's what happened. I know.

I will say, you know what? Of the many, I've enjoyed so much of what you do. But I really loved at the Benson Ball in D.C. when you had Ian McKay. Oh, that guy was great, right? Yeah. What a great guy. I had a great time backstage with Ian McKay, who was on The Sound of Young America a couple years ago when we were in D.C. The other guest was Andrew Nasnitsky, Nas from the hip-hop blog Cocaine Blunts.

I was late. I missed him. Okay. So Nas, now a contributor to Bullseye, great guy. And Nas, you couldn't find a bigger rap nerd than him. And backstage, Ian McKay and Nas were going toe to toe, absolutely toe to toe on bass, Miami bass, which is like the genre. Like booty bass? It might have been. Yes. It might have been New Orleans bounce.

I'm trying to remember. Oh. It was either New Orleans bounce. Like pre-Master P. Do you like Katie Redd? I don't know who that is. Bounce. Oh.

It's like, who's the main bounce person? But they're talking about like circa 1988, 1989. Shit that was only on bootleg cassettes that people passed around to each other. Ian Mackay. It was the greatest thing ever because Ian Mackay was such a sweetheart. Ian Mackay, it was the greatest thing ever because Ian Mackay was such a sweetheart. And you wouldn't think that punk rock legend Ian Mackay of Fugazi spends his free time listening to booty bass. But apparently he does.

Wow. I give Ian Mackay five stars for being a great guy. Well, it's funny. I've met him a few times. Not that he would remember any of it. I guess maybe I've only met him twice now I'm thinking about it. But I met him as a young man, a child. When I was 21, my friend got kicked out of a Fugazi concert.

And I tried to get him back in. You've got to be pretty rowdy to get kicked out of a Fugazi concert, right? They were playing Canton, Ohio. I think you can get kicked. I think, isn't that a thing at Fugazi concerts, that they kick people out? No, they sort of stop the show and be like, hey, don't do that. But it was before the show, and it was the summer of, like, everyone's turning 21 and can drink now, which I realized Fugazi, especially Ian McKay, wouldn't have much sympathy for or care about. But so my friend drank a beer and got busted for it.

Was he 20? He was 20. So somebody who had turned 21 bought two beers. Yeah, and he was sitting there. He finished it. It was empty in front of him. They were like, you drank that, didn't you? And they kicked him out. And so I was like,

well, they didn't see him drinking the beer. Let's get him back in here. So they, in turn, kicked me out. And I was in the parking lot and I saw Guy Picciotto. I don't know how to say his last name, really. But the other guitar player in Fugazi. And I was like, Guy, you're not going to believe what happened.

And he took me backstage hanging with the band ian mckay was asleep he woke ian up and he's like this fucking dumbass did this thing or no he's they were very nice uh but ian was like okay i'll go talk to them and then and then um they let me stand on the side of the stage for the whole show. So I'm in, you know, can't know how outside of Cleveland I'm from. And I'm like, so everyone at the show, every kid in town thinks that I'm totally down with Fugazi. Because I'm the only person on the, you know, outside of from their one or two dudes that are with them. I was the only person on the side of the stage.

And so I got a lot of cool points. That's epic. And I didn't tell anyone what really happened until now. But anyway, so then I met Ian at that thing, and he was very, like, I was sitting by him during the show. He was, like, laughing his ass off. Chelsea Peretti, Matt Bronger, and whoever else on the show. Chelsea Peretti did this set on that show that we still haven't played

because we had this conversation backstage where I'm like, okay, so Chelsea, your set has to be radio friendly. So the rule is sexual or excretory function. And you can't use any swear words, obviously. But you can allude briefly to sex, but you can't talk about sex. And she's like, okay, okay, great.

She went out, did a fucking full-on, like, I don't remember. It was like about handjobs. Her whole set was about handjobs. And Chelsea Pretty is a great comic. It was a great set. But we literally could play zero of it. Yeah. Maybe that's just what she thought you meant was like you can't do jokes about insertion.

Right. Yeah. Any kind of outer course. Right. Yeah, it's fine. Right. Anything that's not going to get anybody pregnant. Right.

The concern is that the show might get somebody pregnant. Sure. You know what I say. Just cross your fingers. Cross your fingers. The old fingers crossed. The old fingers crossed method. Well, anyway, so afterwards I introduced myself because I play in a band with Walter Schreifels from Gorilla Biscuits and Quicksand and all that.

And so they're friends. So I used to – I was like, hey, I'm friends with Walter. I play with him. And so he's very nice. And then I was like, can I get a picture with you? And then we did the picture and he looked like the super serious Ian McKay that everyone thinks he's the super serious guy all the time. And I was like, well, now no one's going to believe that he was actually just a chatty, nice guy. Just a real chatty Caffey.

Yeah, he really was. Would not shut up. Took him out for cupcakes after. What a pleasant man he is. Yeah. He could not be more pleasant. Ian McKay from Fugazi. Who have you met?

You met Green Day one time. I don't think I've ever met green day who have i met didn't you meet green day outside their trailer in switzerland oh yeah and uh i saw uh mike dirt from green day just poured a carton of milk onto a kid why why did he do that oh god i you were swiss uh the kid was the kid had one of those um uh college, me and my buddy, his mom was a flight attendant. So we just like flew standby to see Green Day in Switzerland and we – That's very glamorous. It was pretty glamorous.

Switzerland's the best country. Switzerland is rad. It is a rad country. I love it. I want to have like a – Shout out to Lucerne. Shout out to Zurich. Yeah.

No, I want to have a – Shout out to Multifunctional Knives Even if it's a shithole apartment What up Baron And I remember that And we like kind of hung around I mean I think we didn't have a hotel room And our flight was the next day

So it wasn't like I'm not a hang around and meet the band kind of guy Let the band meet you I mean like I'll suck their dicks But I'm not going to hang around for a long time to do it but I think we hung around can I say that?

yes you can Chelsea we did not bleep that and Mike Dirnt who is the bass player from Green Day no he's the drummer Trey Cool is the drummer oh you're right don't fuck with Jordan on this one.

Wait, I just met Mike Durant then. Don't try and correct him on any real big fish related stuff either. I got you. Wow. Well, yeah, that's your – you can have that one. Thank you. I'll take it. And so this kid like had one of those home tape recorders, like one of those big, you know, kind of –

This is an episode of What's Happening. One of those big, you know, kind of. This is an episode of What's Happening. And he was like trying, like he was trying to interview Mike Dirnt about something. But but like but his English was bad. And so it's clear that Mike Dirnt didn't understand anything he was saying. And then he gave the kid the hold on a minute finger and then went back to his trailer and came back with a carton of milk and just dumped it on the kid's head. And the kid was so happy.

The kid was like so pumped. Really? Yeah. I don't know if like it was as like from watching where I was from, it was the most random like unprovoked thing in the world. Maybe they were talking about it or maybe it is some deep Green Day reference that I don't know. But yeah, it was great. Wow. That's beautiful. I'd some deep Green Day reference that I don't know. But, yeah. It was great. Wow. That's beautiful.

I'd be irritated if someone did that to me. Yeah. Let's just say it was hobo piss. How would you feel then? Well, weirdly, you know what? Getting back to that, I was more shocked. I guess I was literally like, I think I was just like, whoa. You were literally shocked.

It was electric. I think my central nervous system was just off the rails, off the charts. And I was just like, whoa, that's crazy. And so I wasn't even that mad because I was just, you know, he seemed crazy, whatever. I'm not going to hold it against him. And then I went out, I did the show, told Kurt Braunohler what happened. And right away he's like, oh, that's great. You got a new eight minutes. He didn't see the problem with it at all.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess you're right. And then it gave me a bit of clout or whatever. In the bum community. Yeah. Street cred. No, but it was like I had a story to tell the rest of the night. Everyone was like, tell us again, Dave. And then I woke up about 3 or 4 in the morning.

And you know when you wake up and you're just like, oh, I'm in the worst mood. And I couldn't, I was like, what is bothering me? And I was like, oh, yeah, covered in piss. That's what it was. Ask.Metafilter.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dave Hill. I could go at any time. Did you know that it's impossible to buy Postman pants? Yeah. Oh, yeah? I think this is one way that you have replaced Adam, the previous Rudiments host on Put This On,

because he once decided that he was only going to wear postman pants, tried to buy them, and found that it's illegal because you can't impersonate a postal officer. No. Oh, sure. You've taken someone's letters. It's like impersonating an ice cream man. Getting back to this, did people really express disappointment? Yes.

That when you got me? It seems ridiculous. Because you've had a television program. I'm a celebrated author. You're on Hulu.com. You've been on This American Life. Many times. You used to work at that homeless shelter.

Yeah. I have a book, Tasteful Nudes. Yeah. Out and out by St. Martin's Press. People express a lot of, you know, kind of anger when I went electric. I used to do this acoustic. I stood in front and I yelled Judas at you. Yeah. The whole time.

That was rude. I mean, we've been having a nice time now and I kind of was willing to let it slide. Like, well, I'm not going to bring that up, but I just wanted to say right now it was rude. Oh, okay. That's fine. That's always my defense. Yeah, that's fine. Can we paper over this dispute by taking some momentous occasions calls?

Yeah, that's good. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Goh. This is Dylan from Baltimore. Why didn't he say hello to me? I was walking through the mall with my girlfriend, and I just saw someone wearing a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt, and I gave them a dollar. I don't like the implication that our listeners are destitute.

Yeah. That you need to like, they don't need a handout. And then the guy in the t-shirt threw a bottle of urine at him. Yeah. Wait a second. Listen, they have jobs. That's why they listen to podcasts. That's the only reason to listen to a podcast is because of urine at him. Yeah. Wait a second. Listen, they have jobs. That's why they listen to podcasts. That's the only reason to listen to a podcast

is because you have a job. Yeah, you can listen to it at work or on the way to work. Yeah. You're so rich that you have an iPod. Right? You got a Zune player. You got one of those. You got a Creative Lab Zen player. Is this like is the thing giving the dollars to the person in the Jordan Jesse Go shirt, is that like a

whip-em-out Wednesday sort of thing you guys have going? No, but I kind of want to have that now. We're definitely going to do a Whip Him Out Wednesdays thing. Is that where every Wednesday you exhort your gentlemen listeners to take their balls out of their pants? Yeah, and do the helicopter. I presume. Yeah. That's great.

Yeah. I mean, if the guy whipped it out, then it's okay to give him a dollar. But now it comes off as patronizing to me. Right. I keep an – I like to keep an eye on what's happening with the hashtag, hashtag JJGo on Twitter. And I think that one – It's a fun way to talk about the show with other fans. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. What I like about it is you click on that hashtag and all of a sudden boom you're talking to all the fans sure you're sounding off great for everybody here's you're telling jordan and jesse the show is disgusting vulgar and unfunny what if everyone writes in says they hate me and i should be dead no one will do that no nobody's gonna do that people love dave hill except for dave hill that's what makes you know that's the thing occasionally I get someone on Twitter

like someone today I'm not gonna say their name or anything was like I don't I'm not gonna say what they did because I don't

but they were being rude to me Dame Judy Dench and Twitter it was Dame it was Olympic figure skate skating great Oksana Bayul

wrote to me no this person was like clearly fucking with me as long as it's not christy yamaguchi it was um who's the one that got whacked in the knee nancy kerrigan we still talk about it to this day um but it's a rich comedy vein yeah so i mean let's let's mine it for all the ore that it has yeah i. I think somebody should mine Mad Men. I loved her so, so much. I wanted to make out with her badly.

She was so beautiful. She really was. Graceful, lithe. I feel like the more I learned about her, the less I wanted to make out with her, though. Right. Like she had that bum leg. Yeah, yeah, that whole thing. I don't want to deal with that.

Sure, that limits the positions you can do in the bedroom. Nancy, would you hurry up? They're going to give our table to somebody else. That sort of thing. You'd be happy to be an everyday hassle. When I search for hashtag JJ Go, I often find people talking about how they saw someone. They were in public. They saw someone in a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt, which, of course, you can get online at maxfunstore.com.

And you get – for being a guest on the show, they give you one, right? I don't know. And so anyway, they're – Sorry. Go ahead. They will say, I saw somebody in a Jordan Jesse Go shirt and I got so excited, but I didn't do anything. It's like Miss Connections ads. Yeah.

So I'm just happy, even if it implied that this person was destitute. I'm happy they made the connection. Yeah. If you see somebody in a Max Fun t-shirt, you're obliged to talk to them. It's not like a Radiohead t-shirt. It's not like everybody's got this fucking t-shirt. I wouldn't talk to anyone in a Radiohead t-shirt. Fuck.

I'd be like, no, don't talk to that person. This person's probably a snooze. They're probably moping around. It's probably just a series of bleeps and bloops. You know what I'm talking about? Radiohead's quite a lot. It's beautiful music. Yeah, it wouldn't kill him to write an actual song again. Zing. Well, there, I said it. Man, it wouldn't kill him to write an actual song again. Yeah. Zing.

Well, there, I said it. Man, no sacred cows with you, Radiohead, Nancy Kerrigan. No, I'll go with it. You have some choice words for Mr. Judge Ito? Oh, that fucker. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm just glad someone talked to somebody. I think it's your responsibility if you're out there and you see somebody in a bullseye T-shirt

and a ma-bim-bam T-shirt and a Jordan Jesse Goat T-shirt. You know, you go out there and you see somebody in a bullseye t-shirt and a bim bam t-shirt and a jordan jesse go t-shirt you know you go over there you talk to them you see that stop podcasting yourself crest on their shirt you go over and you chat them up a little yeah i think it's the fun way to make friends next call please hey jordan jesse's possible guest um i don't know how momentous this is. I decided to take the summer off and hitchhike pretty much everywhere. And I started in Washington State, Olympia, Washington to be exact, and just reached the Atlantic Ocean, which is pretty exciting. I don't know. It's been a pretty good time. The really important thing is, fuck Waterbury, Connecticut. Sucks.

Been all the way across the country. Fuck you, Waterbury, Connecticut. Thanks. Love the show. That call was crazy. Yeah, we need to find the killer. Number one, he is, nothing moves him for the first, he's talking, he's like, I don't know what this moment is.

I guess I'm hitchhiking across the country. I took the summer off to hitchhike across the entire country. And he did say it was exciting. It's very exciting. He's like, yeah, it's pretty good. I'm excited. This is pretty great. I'm pretty hard right now.

But he's, and then at the end, for some reason, he has it in for Waterbury, Connecticut. I don't know anything about Waterbury, Connecticut. I don't know anything about Waterbury, Connecticut. I don't know. Think of insurance companies and whale pants. Oh, no. I'm with him on this one. What a pack of cunts. Yeah.

Wow. Did you have a show in Waterbury that didn't go well? No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. And I say cunt- In the English sense. In the English sense. Because as you know, I spend a lot of time in the United Kingdom.

You're a real faggot. And I'm a major faggot. No, but I like their use of the word, calling men cunts. It's very satisfying. It really gave me a lift. Yeah. I mean that in the English sense. Oh, yeah.

You're chuffed. I'm just going to- I'm doing a quick Google of Waterbury, Connecticut. Just find out a little bit about it. Let's see what comes up. They do a great soup and salad. I think you can make a nautical cruise. Here we go.

Two 28.9 square miles. The weather currently is 70 degrees Fahrenheit. That's pretty solid. That's a nice temp. Sounds great. Population, 110,189. Nice medium. Its nickname is the Brass City.

That's a great city. Oh, wow. That fits right in with your steampunk ethos, Jordan. Sure. Wait a second. Now, this sounds to me like one of those things where it's like, no, seriously, do not go to Waterbury. It was originally called the Brassy City, but then Bette Midler moved to Vegas. But you know when someone's like, no, I have had the crazy – I've worked in a lot of restaurants and people are crazy because I could – I have not lasted a week at any restaurant job because I like – people are crazy and they fire me and I'm a great worker.

And then you hear them and you're like, no, no, it's probably you're insane. That's what I think is this guy. You think the perfectly nice people of Waterbury had to endure this guy's bullshit. I think this guy took a hand drill and put a hole in a boat. And now he's angry that everyone's angry at him. Yeah. And he was like twirling his mustache. Uh huh.

Yeah. This is bullshit. And it contains the Naugatuck River, which is a great river. Sounds fantastic. It's got a Native American name. It's part of the county of New Haven. It's a great county. It's home to Yale University.

My brother lives in New Haven. There you go. With his family. Sure. Yeah. I like New Haven. And it's located along Interstate 84. Guys.

Come on. What's not to love? I love everything about Waterbury, Connecticut. We should take a – you should do a live Jordan Jesse going Waterbury. I mean because I feel a little bit responsible. I mean we didn't say those things about Waterbury but we did provide a forum for someone to defame Waterbury. You know what? I was raped by the entire population of Waterbury.

Oh, at the same time? Did they line up? At the Taste of Waterbury Festival. Oh, boy. Yeah, I was in the Port-A-Johns. Oh, okay. Well, you ate too much of that Alala Berry pie. They do, and they do a lot of fun popcorn,

some of the flavors you wouldn't expect. Jordan, I'm with you. We need to make amends. We need to make amends with the city of Waterbury, Connecticut. Here's my offer. Okay. I've got about $35,000 in my retirement fund. I'm listening.

I'm prepared to spend it all on Scrimshaw. Wow. $35,000 worth of Scrimshaw. We wanted to go back into the economy of Waterbury. Yep. And you know what? Then you know what I'm going to do with of Scrimshaw. We wanted to go back into the economy of Waterbury. Yep. And you know what? Then you know what I'm going to do with my Scrimshaw? Cribbage.

Taking on all comers. Okay. Nothing but cribbage. Next call, please. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. I'm calling drunk from Toronto. And I have a moment of vacation. And I have a moment of occasion. I am drunk because I just went out with my friend celebrating the fact that the 18 pound tumor that I had removed from my abdomen this week was benign. So I don't have cancer. I'm so excited. So, you know, more powerful than ever, obviously. Have a great day. Bye. That is fantastic, fantastic news.

Although I hear getting drunk can give you cancer. No, that's not true. Cancer of the morals. Do people take the tumor with them? Like sometimes when people take the placenta? Put it in a jar? Yeah, or like plant it under a tree or something. Yeah, dehydrate it and swallow it in pills.

The American Indians made it into a stew. And into teepees. Wait a minute. They used every part of the tumor. 18 pounds. Yeah. Wow. That's impressive.

Cancer's bullshit. Sounds like this babe's got quite the abdomen. Fuck cancer. Oh, but don't even get me started. Wow, Jesse, I'm tired of your controversial stances. No, I mean, listen, this is probably too serious for this program, but we had two of our past guests on this program. Two pals of ours, Tig Notaro and Shani Chardon from Boing Boing, both are fighting cancer right now. Your friend and mine, Dave, David Rakoff, recently passed.

My mom. Your mom, my grandma, Grandma Rita. Cancer kills moms. Stick it up your, you know, jump up my butt cancer, as Jordan once coined on the sound of your name. No, you don't want butt cancer. No, that's a good point. Stay away from all of our butt.

Then you'd have to get a buttock to me yeah which is negative it's terrible no cancer yeah fucking A

fuck it go go suck a lemon yeah it's the Waterbury Connecticut of diseases let's take another call before

I get too sad seriously man hey Jordan Jesse Go. I didn't hear the prompt in the beginning, so hopefully this is Jordan, Jesse Go. Otherwise, next week I'm going to have to call in with a moment of shame. This is Pete from Albany.

I was just on my lunch break getting some pizza, and I walked out of the pizza place with a small box of pizza, and there were a couple little hooligan children, maybe 13, 14 years old, sitting on top of a car, and the one kid said, Hey, look at this guy with a pizza. And then his buddy goes, Yeah, he's probably bringing it home to go fuck it. And I thought that was pretty hilarious. Love the show.

Oh, man. I hope Jeff Ross is listening because I think he just found a few new writers for some of his signature burns. Jeez. I like how it seems like in this comedy duo, one of those guys is doing the heavy lifting. duo, one of those guys is doing the heavy lifting. And that's the guy who kind of spun the initial comment into he's going to go home and fuck it. Because, hey, look at this guy with the pizza. Well, that's the straight man.

He just teed it up. Right. I mean, yeah, maybe I just don't. Somebody's got to teed it up so the other one can knock it out of the ballpark. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Jordan, that's how it works. Haven't you ever seen Abbott and Costello?

He gave them the alley-oop. Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe I'm not respecting their process enough. Maybe one of these kids is just trying to explain the names of the players on the baseball team and the other one's confused. Yeah. And he thinks that you can fuck a pizza.

I guess you can fuck a pizza. I fuck pizzas. Yeah. Yeah. If you cook it right. I was at the, before we came, I was at the – I went to the LACMA and I saw the kind of ancient Japanese treasures room. What is that? Los Angeles Contemporary Museum.

County Museum of Art. Los Angeles County Museum of Art. Okay. In the kind of Japanese emperor treasures room, there was a horse, a horse made out of wood, and its tail is lifted, and the horse is hollow, and it has a butthole. I guess my – the obvious connection I drew is that this is for the emperor to fuck? Wait, was it a dick-sized butthole? It would have to be a wide dick. I mean, I don't know if they custom make these. A hot dog down a hallway.

Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. The hole's too big. I think if there's a hole, it's only a matter of time. Yeah. Scenario. Before some lonely emperor. He could put something in there and then fuck it.

Yeah. Like sticky rice. Yeah. Oh, now you know. Mochi. Now you're cooking with gas. Yeah, put some mochi in there. I don't know when mochi was created.

I don't know if it was in feudal Japan or not. World's Fair, maybe. Yeah, maybe at the World's Fair. Anyway. What if we wrap this ice cream up in some rice flour? My point is the Japanese emperors had fucking horses. That's great. Did it say that on the thing?

I mean, I don't like to read the cards at museums. I just kind of assume that my, you know, my first thought is probably correct. Yeah, that's not a strange leap to make. It said, fuck horse, Edo period. Sure. A gift of Kathy and Stan from their private collection of fuck animals.

Fuck beasts. Yeah, the beasts of burden. When they talk about a beast of burden, it has to the burden is the cock of the emperor. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dave Hill. Just really glad to be out of the house. You're a famous shut-in Dave Hill. Famous, yes. Dave, you're not fooling anybody You're a man about town I am a man about town Gadfly

Is that the same thing? Gadabout? Gadabout What's a gadfly? Gadfly is something that's Think of Gamefly It's like Netflix for video games No

Yeah, famous gamefly, Dave Hill Yes Yeah, man about town. Thinking man. Highly bonable public figure. Oh, man. That's great. Yeah.

I don't want to forget to mention this on the program because it's something I saw on the way here. There's a music festival here in Los Angeles called the Sunset Strip Music Festival. I believe the SSMF. Sure. A lot of headliners on this act. The two top billed acts on this bill. And it's just we've been talking about package deals lately. Going to see a show with.

The headliners on this music festival are Marilyn Manson and The Offspring. That is the worst single combination of acts that it is possible to generate. I think that is just part of that, that when you get far enough away from an era where something is popular, like it all just becomes a package deal. I mean I think that just falls under mid-90s. So also on this bill. So number one, if you just imagine – I mean look. I can imagine people who when they were 13 liked Marilyn Manson or The Offspring and grew up to be decent people. I can't imagine adults who liked either of those bands being decent people.

You know what I mean? Well – Like either of them and they're both together. Yeah. Well, I was – maybe I was a commercial for this festival or whatever. But I heard – and The Offspring, I've just been – I've never – whatever. I've never listened to them, really, unless it was on the radio.

Anyway, but they came on, and they played a snippet, and I realized every song, he just goes... And it hit me. I was like, I never want to hear that again, ever. And I didn't realize he even had it. I was like, wow, I really really don't i really hate that i don't ever want to hear that also on the bill for this uh festival several rock bands i haven't heard of uh which i presume to be maybe some kind of pop metal band something like that i think that's the sort of general tone of this festival it's just that it's hard to find those bands

because you know, they already booked Poison or whatever and Motley Crue and now they're done. I just saw Poison. How was that? If you liked Poison,

you would have loved it. Was this in Vegas or until they... Oh, I'm thinking of Motley Crue has the, like, standing show in Vegas. Motley Crue, well,

I saw Motley Crue a couple years ago and I was disappointed. And I say this as a fan, within reason. I feel like they should have stopped. You're not going overboard. No, I would just say, like, I think up until, you know, Dr. Feelgood, they were great at being Motley Crue. They should not have done anything else after that.

They should not have done anything else after that. But I saw Poison, Def Leppard, and Lita Ford in New Jersey, in Newark, New Jersey. And I had a fucking great time. Well, I love Def Leppard. Love them. They're great. Getting back to it, I'm jumping around a bit. Marilyn Manson, I love – that guy is really funny and smart.

Yeah, that's what you hear about Marilyn he really is though I had to I had to see Marilyn Manson uh for at at a I I was my job was covering this Marilyn Manson thing this was something called the mayhem fest and I saw Marilyn Manson and uh as someone who doesn't like that sort of music, I kind of enjoyed it. The theatrics were good and they're, you know, they're more tuneful than other metal songs. Yeah. Can I tell you who was down this bill? Sure. So rock bands just-

Oh, you know what? The smaller font. And maybe the more I think about it, I mean, I guess I'm trying to remember the fans of Marilyn Manson and Offspring when I was growing up. And I think there's maybe more overlap for that than you would think. Yeah, horrible people. I think it's just, yeah, like little dirtbags, little shitheads. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a little shithead. Somebody who maybe has a bottle rocket collection. Now it's people who have nostalgia for back when they had a bottle rocket collection and were a dick. Sure. So also on this bill, and this is a special phenomenon of the rock music festival, is they get worried that they're being racist. And so they'll just book a non-rock, like a hip-hop act on the show just because that way they'll confirm that they're not just some racist that only like white people music. De La Soul are on this show.

De La Soul are on this show. Now, number one, I will not say anything ill about anyone going to see a De La Soul show because they put on a hell of a show. It is a blast. I don't care if you're a Marilyn Manson fan. I saw De La Soul once as part of like a nerd rock music festival. I think it was like Cake and Flaming Lips and De La Soul. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They toured together. So, yeah. And, yeah, maybe they have some weird book. I mean, yeah, I don't know if this is more profitable than doing. It made me wonder if this could ever happen in the world of hip-hop touring packages. Like, if the Rock the Bells Festival was Lauryn Hill, Nas, and John Darnielle of the Mountain Ghosts. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats. Like, if there could be some, like, a Method Man,

a Method Man tour with Nelly, and they're paired with the Avett brothers. Yeah. I just saw those guys. Or the breeders. What if it was the breeders? Just throw the breeders in there. I like the breeders. Yeah, I know.

I like the Mountain Goats. I played a show with that guy, I know. I like the mountain goats. I played a show with that guy. Don Darniel of the Mountain Goats? Yeah, it was nice. He's a nice guy. Nice fellow. We're using way too much time. If you want to keep chatting with us, you've got to come to Max Funcon East. Oh, I'm going to be there.

Yeah, Dave Hill's going to be there. He's going to be teaching people lessons. October 26th through 28th in Pocono Manor, Pennsylvania. You got it. Get your reservations now. John Hodgman, Dick Cavett, me, Julie Klausner, Bunch of Other People, you guys. Michael Ian Black. Michael Ian Black.

Tony Kameen. Tony Kameen. Hari Kondabalu. Hari Kondabalu. Tell me and I'll just keep doing it in this great voice that I have. No, then I have to remember, everybody. Stop podcasting yourself. Stop podcasting yourself.

International Waters. Is also on it. Jordan Morris. Yes. Jesse Thorne. Correct. Nick, our events director. I'm really looking forward to it.

Outdoors. Kurt Explodo Anderson. That's a beloved guest of Jordan Jesse's. Yeah. I'm excited to go for long walks with Dick Cavett in the woods. Only one of you is going to come out alive, though. Somebody is coming out of those woods. No, I don't.

You roll tight with Cavett. I think as, yeah, I guess. I mean, yeah. I mean, more than most people. You're a DC. Huh? as as yeah, I guess. I mean, yeah. More than most people. I mean, you're not Woody Allen. I mean, not more than most people. There are people that are much tighter. I'm just saying of

the younger generation. Sure. I'm one of the few. Like, I have his phone number in my phone for example. You probably do too. Well, no, I don't. Well, maybe you had it at one point. You never had a cell phone number? I got his phone number in my phone, for example. You probably do, too. Well, no, I don't. Well, maybe you had it at one point. You never had a cell phone number? I've got his assistant's phone number.

Yeah, that's bullshit. I know. I have that. Well, I'm going to close the deal. I probably gave that to you. I'm going to close the deal. I've got Quentin Rampage Jackson's phone number in my phone. Who's that?

The famous MMA guy. He replaced Mr. T in the 18 movie. Do you like MMA? I don't. Nuh-uh. But he's a very nice guy. We're trying to wrap this up, guys. Okay, let me go out and say this.

Right. I think that MMA is literally the gayest thing that's ever happened. It's two guys doing everything in their power not to blow each other. They're just like, I'll... Oh, God! I guess if one guy started blowing the other guy, he would... I mean, maybe that is like a psychological thing. Truly remarkably gay. I gained a lot of respect for MMA because I recently

did an interview on Bullseye about the film Black Dynamite, the film and television series Black Dynamite. The star of that film, Michael Jai White, who plays the titular character, Black Dynamite. The star of that film, Michael Jai White, who plays the titular character, Black Dynamite, is a former MMA professional and MMA trainer from the relatively early days of MMA, I guess 10 or 15 years ago, and trained some of MMA's great champions. And after that interview, I was A, still afraid of him, and B, wanted to be best friends with him.

So I figured if MMA is the route, we'll just do what we can. Wait, that's the same thing as ultimate fighting, right? Yeah. Okay. And I say this, literally the most homosexual thing that could ever happen. And back in mentioning David Rakoff, because I would check on things like when I, I called him, I said, He was a somewhat

homosexual gentleman. He was, yeah. And I would call him and say, David, He, I accidentally,

I accidentally realized I was flirting with him because I liked him so much the first time he was on our show some 10 years ago. Oh, wow. Well, he's, I mean,

My wife informed me. She, she clued me in. He, well, he, Because he was such a wonderful, charming guy. Absolutely. I mean, we were very close friends, and so many times I would kick myself for being straight.

I'd be like, this guy is such a catch. Yeah. I wish I were gay. Pull the trigger. But I just don't have it in me. No pun intended. No, but I would call him and be like, hey, just running a check on this Ultimate Fighting, the gayest thing ever, right? And he's like, oh, my God, yeah.

Yeah. So he said that it was. That's good. I'm glad that you could always run a check on something if you need to. Yeah, because I'm not just going to say something and can't back it up. Right. I call famous homosexuals. Celebrity gays. That's what I do. When I call something gay, I call famous homosexuals. Celebrity gays.

That's what I do. When I call something gay, I call. They have their fingers on the pulse. I call David Rakoff, or I would. I used to call Boy George. These are all people I have on my phone. Famous gays. Sure. Rufus Wainwright.

I'll go right down the line. Rip Taylor. Spock from the new Star Trek movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, Rip Taylor. I don't know how I have his number, but he called me once. I swear to God.

I was in L.A., and I was doing my Day of the Explosion show at UCB, and I didn't have a guest, and I was, like, wracking my brain. Like, who can I? And we have the same commercial agent because as you know I do a tremendous amount of commercial work no I've done

you're Snoopy in all the MetLife ads yeah I'm uh yeah and um it's the Geico Keebler Elf

but so my agent you got a feel for all the Keebler Elf stuff growing up in the hollow trees of New York City he plays

he plays Michael Jordan in the Nike commercials. The bacon neck ads. Rip Taylor called out of the blue, unlist block number or whatever, and yelled at me for 20 minutes. Not in a mean way, but in a way that your great aunt would yell at you. He's probably a little hard of hearing a little bit, so that maybe contributed to it. He was just giving me like a real dressing down, just like telling me what I needed to hear. Wow.

And he wouldn't do the show. He couldn't do the show because he had theater tickets, of course. Sure. And then at the end, he's like, I will do it another time, blah, blah, blah. And then at the end, I said, well, can I have your number so I can call you next time? And he's like, of course you can. You know how to fund me. And he hung up.

If you need to find us. And then Confetti blasted out of the one end of the phone. [phone]FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. I have been enjoying the suggestions for Rocket Scouts badges that people have been posting on Twitter with the hashtag Rocket Scouts. That's fun. Yeah, it is fun. What if you guys had a fleet of ninjas?

Something to think about. Okay. Yeah. I'll stick that in my pipe. I mean, we'll probably have to pay them a flat fee like the dancer from the Mighty Mighty Boss Town. Yeah. We probably don't want to give them a cut but these are boom times

and hey we're coming to the Riot LA Festival in Los Angeles we'll probably have the dancer from the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones there

so you know come see us we'll be performing with our friends Aaron and Brian in their podcast Throwing Shade yes

maybe you've heard of it delightful hilarious show umbrella all part of the Maximum Fun umbrella Riot LA Festival come out and see us Maximum Fun umbrella. Ride LA Festival. Come out and see us. MaximumFun.org is the details. You can buy tickets now.

Oh, Jesse, I've got another live date that I'd like to mention, but I have to boot it up on my phone. Can you guys just talk about... Can we make this show any longer? It's like a four-hour show. I'm sorry. People like long shows. What is this, a marathon show? And they like plugs. I like not letting people wrap things up.

That's what I can bring to your empire. Everyone's going to write in and say it. They hate me. Anyways. Dave, you should do a show with Ben Harrison

for maximum fun. I would love to. That would be fun, right? I want to, yeah. A man on the street show. I'm in. Great. Seriously, let's get a...

Lindsay, can we send out an email on this? Lindsay, can you write this down? Who handles... Take dictation. Who's going to handle this? Lindsay, go to McDonald's. I don't want anything. Just go there.

Oh, hey, I remember my show. I love that idea. We totally should do that. Lindsay, can you go to McDonald's and get me a blizzard? Wait, what is our thing going to be? Our show. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We did it. Oh, let's do it. I'm excited Wait what is our thing going to be our show. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

We did it. Oh let's do it. I'm excited about this. It's going to be great. I've been wanting to get a taste of that Max Fun Con fun maximum fun dot org.

I realize I'm part of it. Yeah. The Empire. Yeah. You're part of the extended universe. Sort of the lamented successor to Adam. This fuck face. I don't even know who he is. I guess if this was. No I'm sure it's a you're part of the extended universe sort of the lamented successor

to Adam this fuck face that I don't even know who he is if this was the Star Wars universe you would kind of exist in a world with the novels and the video games the extended universe I'm gonna punch you right in the fucking face

that's a compliment that's a good place to be I'm just kidding the novels are great Chewbacca dies oh thanks it. That's a good place to be. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry for swearing. The novels are really good. Have you not read the novels? The novels are great. Chewbacca dies. Oh, thanks. Whoa, hold on. Sorry, guys. I was talking about the Dragonlance novels.

Oh. Chewbacca dies in those, too. He does. Yeah. They're very complicated. And bad. Yeah. Hey, I remembered my show. On Friday, August 31st, I'm going to be performing some stand-up comedy at the End of the World Show. It's at the Lyric Hyperion Theater. It's called the End of the World Show.

It's going to be funny. Oh, gosh. Who's that guy from Adult Swim who breaks everything? Eric Andre. Eric Andre. It's me and some other funny people and Eric Andre. Yes, I love Eric Andre. Eric Andre is a very funny man.

He's a delight. Nice guy. Go to that. Very nice guy. You guys can talk about punk rock. Sure. We'll be back next week by Dave's book. It's called Tasteful Nudes and Other Misguided Attempts at Personal Growth and Validation.

Available wherever incredible books are sold. Powell's, Amazon, Books A Million, Indie Bound, Barnes & Noble. Basically, you know, it's just like a bookstore. Books.com. Books.net. Basically, you know, there's like a bookstore. Books.com. Books.net. Yeah, you just go like where they got books and you ask them if they have it. Books.co.uk. Yeah.

It's actually coming out in the UK in October, October 22nd. A publisher over there called Belly Kids. I'm going to do a different UK-only cover. Hey. Forward by Rich Fulcher. So can people collect the different covers? I would. Yeah, I probably would too.

That's why I did it. So I could have it too. To make it more collectible. No, I did it so because I wanted it. I wanted to be like, here's this version, here's this other version. Great. Just for my own entertainment. Done and done.