Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 239: Hobos' Getaway with Robin Thede

Episode Date: September 3, 2012

Robin Thede joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of grocery store express lanes, pranking Clint Eastwood, bachelor party planning, and scary children's movies of the 80's.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Robin Thede. And we plan a bachelor party and a little prank on a certain film icon. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Another toasty one in Los Angeles. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Smog on the horizon.

Get a lungful. Can we introduce... I want to start real quick with just kind of a baffling thing that happened to me before I came here. And I think it's on my mind and I don't think I'll be able to concentrate until I process it. So can we intro our guest? Let's introduce our guest, Los Angeles-based comedy writer and performer Robin Thede. Hey, Robin. Yay! Sorry, I thought there was an audience.

That was immodest. That was a little immodest. It was. It was. Hey, guy. That's just what you assumed That was a little immodest. It was. It was. Hey, guy. That's just what you assumed the audience was doing when they heard your name.

I was promised an audience. It was not here, so I had to fill in. I just improvised. I'm sorry I lied to you and said that we're in a 500-seat theater. It's okay.

Robin and I actually met. We were co-hosts of the live stream of the pre-show to the Teen Choice Awards. If there was one more prefix, it would have been literally the greatest thing ever. Yeah. Sponsored by Slim Jim. Slim Jim presents the live stream of the pre-show.

On a really hot day. Do you remember how hot it was? God, it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. And I got to wear like shorts and Jordan. They're like, yeah, could you put on a button down flannel? Like, I don't know. Obviously, you picked out your clothes actually, I think.

Yeah. And I did a great job too. You looked phenomenal. I did not look out of place in that lineup of hot teen stars. That wasn't your fault. Did the costumer just say, we want you to dress like a child? They looked at you, Robin, and said, here's your wardrobe. They looked at Jordan and said, great.

Wear that. No, they tricked us, actually. Robin had to get a Skrillex haircut. Yes. That's the only way teens would respond. It's true. Jordan wore a giant mouse head over his head. Yeah. Like dead mouse. Sure. That's the only way you could have been hotter that day. It was like 120 degrees. Kind of a

nightmare. Yeah. I feel like, I still feel bad that I didn't bone up more for that. They gave us a kind of a big binder of teen stars. They did. And I'm like, Jordan, had you boned up at the Kids' Choice Awards, I think that's when you should feel bad. It's true. That would have been grounds for being arrested. Are you asking if I masturbated during the

Slim Jim Presents? Oh no, he did that! Yeah, yeah, I did that. With the cast of The Vampire Diaries. If Bieber's there, what else can you do? You gotta jerk it. Honestly, as much as I read up on those kids, once you see them, it's like, you're like, okay, who is this from what vampire show and why?

Okay, fine. Yeah. So you just ask them who they're excited to see and then they go on for five minutes. I was on an airplane the other day where this was – maybe it was – it might even have been the plane back from London. Does that make sense? Maybe it wasn't. Yes, you wouldn't need to take a plane back from London. The person sitting in front of me – And I know you usually go by dirigible.

Could have been. It was the thing where they have – you have TVs in the back of the chair, you know? And the person sitting in the row directly in front of me was, I would say, a 35-year-old woman who watched Disney Channel sitcoms the entire flight. Oh, weird. Okay, but so she may have had kids. They weren't there if she had them. Would you think she was trying to, like, understand what it's like to be a child? Well, maybe, but I also think that there's this theory of this bird regurgitation.

So she like – you know how they eat the food and then spit it in the mouth of the kids? So your idea is that she was watching them so she could tell the kids what happened on them. Yes. She was a cruel mother. For cultural sustenance. Right. They never got to actually watch them. She only would tell them what happened.

Oh, maybe that's a weird like Christian science thing. Yeah. And then they don't get to appreciate like a random appearance by Greg Proops or Andy Kindler or something like that. Right. Or Michelle Obama who's been known to do – Really? She did iCarly. Wow.

Yeah, I know. It's crazy. If I was – if I had the opportunity, if there was some reason that I was famous like if I was the the first lady, for example, then I'd go on iCarly. Yeah. I mean, I'd probably go on Sesame Street first, but I'll do iCarly. I'll do iCarly right now. If anyone out there is listening, I'm in. I think your first step, get yourself a pillbox hat.

Get you looking real first lady-ish. Chanel suit. Look like American royalty. Some mid-height heels. Gotcha. Kitten heel. Maybe I could pull a Nancy Reagan and nurture a friendship with Mr. T. Ooh.

How about that? Through her psychic abilities. Was she a psychic or? No, astrology. She, astrology. She was super into astrology. Yeah. Interesting.

And that was okay for super Christians for some reason. Right. Sure. She remains the hero to the super Christians. This avowed weird pagan ritual follower. Yes. I remember once in high school I was at a supermarket checkout with a friend who was very Christian. And I thought it would be funny as a goof to buy one of those little astrology scrolls.

Yes. That – Yeah. At the supermarket checkout, it's like – it is – it's maybe three inches wide. Right. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this will be funny. I'll get one of these.

And she literally grabbed my hand and pulled it back and she's like, you're not supposed to do that. So I don't know. She saved you. She did. Well, there's always that point, right? Especially in the dating world, there's always this point where you are getting to know somebody and then one of you asks, what's your sign or when's your birthday? And then you have that awkward moment where it's like, all right, how into astrology is this person? Are they going to like hang up

the phone as soon as they find out I'm a Gemini? Right. Yeah. And I guess what I find myself dealing with a lot is when they ask that what's your sign question, I'm like, oh, God, is this a joke on first date questions? Right. And if I say Taurus and make the jack off motion, are you going to laugh or are you going to be offended? Right. Because I feel like astrology – We should explain that you're an Aries and you hate Tauruses. Right. So whatever you say –

Yeah, that's a huge part of it. I'm a Taurus. I'm so loyal. I'm so loyal. I'm stubborn too. No, because I feel like there is no way to judge who is really into astrology. It's true. It's true. into astrology. I feel like, you know, if you see, you know, a woman, you know, in a

sarong with a sundial, her hair in one of those hemp bags, you're like, she's probably into astrology. But a normal looking person could also be into astrology. You know what? My father and stepmother, and I should explain that. I think maybe people get the idea that because I'm from a classic San Francisco values type background, that maybe my parents are like hippie flakes. They are not that at all. You know, especially my dad and stepmother who are, you know, they're both my dad's. They do eat exclusively hippie flakes from Trader Joe's cereal. But that's just because they're good for you. They are. And they don't like the fiber. They don't like the twigs and hippie flakes from Trader Joe's, the cereal. But that's just because they're good for you.

They are, right. Lots of fiber. They don't like the twigs and hippie flakes and twigs. Right. Who does? Yeah. So these are tough-minded individuals, my father and stepmother. You know, my dad was in the vets movement his whole life.

My stepmother is from war-torn Belfast. Wow. But they went through an astrology period. They're like the periods that I remember of things that they shared. They went through a Van Morrison period. They went through the commitments period. Classic. And an astrology period.

And I still don't know whether they were joking or not. I love that you can mark the periods that they went through. Like, remember, my parents, the only period they've ever gone through is just like bad jeans. Like dirty sneakers. They went from they had bad. Now they're on to normal jeans. No, no. They're still wearing the high waisted jeans.

Yeah. Yeah. They live in Iowa and they don't. Well, but it's like. They're still wearing high-waisted jeans. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. They live in Iowa and they don't change. Well, but it's like high-waisted jeans that they got at opening ceremony. Like they're like Chloe Sevigny type high-waisted jeans, right? Sure. Yeah. Not.

Marshals. Marshals. Pretty much marshals. No, no. They shop at like the Bass Pro Shops. I wish that was a joke. So your dad goes out of the house wrapped in bait. Yes, yes.

And well, my mother is in politics, so she's had to step up her image. Get back to school. We're going to get you some night crawlers. Night crawlers are all the kids. Yay! No, my mother's had to step it up a little bit, so she will alternate between Farm and Fleet, which is a farmer's outlet clothing and bait and tackle store, and JCPenney. Okay.

Which has got a ball or something to go to. Right. Well, she's in politics, so she has to wear things to the Capitol that are very suit-worthy. We should explain that your mother is First Lady Michelle Obama. She is. She is. I was trying to be coy, and it didn't work. Yeah.

Can I share this baffling experience I had before I came in? Yeah, I would love to hear this baffling experience. Oh, yes. I was at the supermarket and, you know, it's the weekend so all the sample ladies are out. Yes. And so there were a couple of different samples. There was like a, you know, like an all-natural soda. Samples, there was like an all-natural soda, and then there was kind of like a kid's juice that replenishes their what-have-yous.

Their balls. Yeah, their balls. Yeah. Their child fluids. Yeah. It reduces their refractory period. Right, yeah, so they could fuck more times in a day. That makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. But then there was- Babies making babies. Yeah. Classy. They love to do that. But then there was a lady who just had a loaf of the most generic supermarket 99 cent white bread. Okay.

It's just like in a white wrapper with the word bread in red letters. Had that loaf of bread. Right. And she was just spreading Peter Pan peanut butter on it and handing it out. Oh my God. Like, do people, was that just a thing?

It's like, did she, was she in front of a sign that said a taste of sadness? Right. Oh, you know what? She was crying on each little slice before she handed,

she would, a single tear would fall onto the peanut butter. Now, are you sure this lady worked there? I mean I didn't ask to see – I think she may have just been like a voyeuristic – or what's reverse voyeurism? Where she likes to perform for people in public? Oh, yeah. It could have been like a performance art happening.

Yeah, I think it was like performance art. No, maybe – I mean it got me thinking about what that was. Have I addressed my recent obsession? Have I addressed on this program my recent obsession with the profound sadness that is imbued into every group of items on the little conveyor belt in the express lane at the grocery store? You haven't. Specifically in the express lane. And I'll tell you how this has come up for me. So I decided I'm going to generally not keep a lot of desserts in the house. Because then I'll just eat dessert every meal and I'll become a fat. So I decided I will still eat dessert sometimes,

but I will eat it when it is worth my effort to go out and get it and bring it back to my house. Now, It's It is my favorite dessert, as you know and as we've discussed on this program. And I would like to thank all of the dozens of people who have tweeted me that they tried an It's It for the first time on my recommendation and their appreciation. So you're welcome, everyone. I'd like to take this time to graciously say you're welcome. There you go. Jesse's at his most smug when he's talking about ice cream sandwiches. I get it.

So the It's It is available only at the Food for Less by my house. Oh, my God. You have to bag it yourself. You have to bag it yourself. Well, there's no not bag it yourself grocery stores by my house. Oh, okay. But the Food for Less, as opposed to, say, the Superior, which is a little closer. So I go to the Food for Less, and and I'll buy a little thing of three.

It's like I'm a little three to a box when my wife and I are having pizza night. And I go – I buy it in the express lane. And any combination of items that people are buying in the express lane is sad. Yeah. Okay. I think we can go around the horn with this. Like what are the three? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I'm going to say cigarettes, cat litter, and a bottle of Himador tequila. Like that. The amount of cat-related, like anything becomes sad when you add two tins of cat food. Yeah. I feel like cat owners only buy tins en masse. No. I feel like they only buy them in massive amounts.

At last, they're very sad. Yeah. That's the thing. Like someone just has, there's usually cigarettes. Cigarettes or liquor. One's the thing. Like, someone just has there's usually cigarettes. Cigarettes or liquor. One or the other. But, you know, like, just a jug of store brand vodka, some M&M's,

and one can of cat food. Yeah. Unless you're buying something that is, like, you know, a basic staple of a meal. Unless you're buying a chicken breast, a stock of asparagus and sparkling water. Like if you add any kind of like any kind of other product to that, any kind of vice, right, that becomes sad.

Yeah, because you're just getting through the night at that point. That is what it is. That's exactly. It's like I'm not buying groceries for the week. I'm just trying to make it through tonight. Exactly. That's exactly. It's like I'm not buying groceries for the week.

I'm just trying to make it through tonight. Exactly. And so even if you're only buying food, it becomes sad because it's like this is all the food you can buy. So but usually that's very rare. Let me just say there's usually one bag of fun-sized Three Musketeers, a Maxim magazine, and a liter of Mountain Dew. That's a date. Right. I've got all three of those at my house right now, ladies. Anything plus one pack of generic mentholated cigarettes becomes sad.

Well, and sometimes you have to couch the one thing that you're buying. So if it's condoms, but usually you have to go back to the pharmacy to get that, right? But like for women, if you're buying a box of tampons and you buy ice cream and you buy Snickers, that looks really bad. So you have to throw in a salad and some tofu, you know. Kind of mix it up. This was a couple of years back, but I had kind of the ultimate sad – not sad. I had the kind of ultimate supermarket standoff with someone. I had walked into a 7-Eleven at the same time as a female casual acquaintance.

Like we were both coming up to the doors at the same time. It's about midnight and we're both walking into the 7-Eleven. It's like, hey. Can I ask you the casual acquaintance? Yeah. First Lady Michelle Obama. It was. It was.

This is it all comes back. Wearing a pillbox hat. Yep. Yep. She's with a Jonas brother. I don't know. I don't know why. The evil one.

Be more specific. Oh, are they all evil? I didn't know they were all evil now. Anyway, so me and this female acquaintance were like, hey, we kind of did that. Like, oh, what are you, oh, late night, huh? Yeah, you know. And then we're both kind of just milling around this 7-Eleven. Can I please

guess what she bought? I'll guess after. Okay. You know what? Guess now. Yeast infection kit. Wait, there's not a kit for yeast infection. Like a medicine for. Actually, 7-Eleven has a Go- not a kit for yeast infection uh like a medicine for actually 7-eleven has a go-go taquito for it it's go-go taquitos for her stick it right in

i'm cured and satisfied now with chipotle oh god less burning more healing um anyway so it was this where we were both just like browsing around the 7-Eleven at midnight and like looking at each other every couple of seconds. What is browsing? No one browses a 7-Eleven. You're looking for something, but you're embarrassed to get it. Right. So we're both just like walking around and I feel like it's –

You were looking for a specific issue of jugs. Right. And you couldn't bring yourself to ask. It was from a couple of months back. Right. And you couldn't bring yourself to ask. It was from a couple of months back. Right. So you had to ask. You thought maybe they hadn't pulped it.

Yeah. Right. It was the one with that great short story by Stephen King. Uh-huh. And they had, in the month, it's a three-parter. And then let me guess, it was set in Maine. Right. It was about haunted jugs.

There was a great Michael Chabon article about fatherhood as well. Yes. You're right. Yes. So we were both. Haunted jugs. We have to make that. Yeah.

And I feel like if you saw an aerial shot of this, it would be like that scene in the second Jurassic Park movie where the raptors are chasing the people through the tall grass and you can see. You can see from overhead, yeah. Like a corn maze. You think everything is like a scene from the second Jurassic Park movie. Well, that makes sense. Except for the things that are like a scene from the third Jurassic Park movie.

Right. Oh, is that when they went on land? That was terrible. No, that's the, that is in number two, they go on the boat and the one they get out and destroy it. That is terrible. I saw Jeff Goldblum in the bank today. Oh, that's nice. That was a lot of terrible. I saw Jeff Goldblum in the bank today. Oh, that's nice. That was a lot of fun.

Where does Jeff Goldblum do his banking? I mean, at the Bank of America on Sunset Boulevard. B of A, huh? Yeah, B of A. It's a reliable choice. With a very lovely young woman. Wedding bells? I think she was doing the banking.

She was using Goldblum as collateral. Right. So anyway. He was just like signing his checks on her. She's like, listen, I'm good for it. I know Goldblum. She just goes, pew, just with a point. And he just goes, yo.

Then he sits down at the piano and bangs out a ditty. Right. Oh, he had some performance the other night at Lexington Social House. I know. Did you hear about this? No one will go to this with me. I wanted to go. Jeff Goldblum.

On Wednesday night. I had another engagement. Jeff Goldblum has a weird standing date at this piano bar in Hollywood somewhere where he just plays jazz standards. Okay, next time we're going. Yeah, absolutely. Let me know. Please, please.

Anyway, so me and this acquaintance are just like circling and then she just comes up to me and she's like, we're both here just to get condoms, right? And I said, yes. And then we both just grabbed a box of condoms and checked out. Like we were both waiting for the other one. Yeah, yeah. I wanted that to be so much more. That's really beautiful. It was kind of beautiful.

Scarring. That is. Yeah. So did you take it out? Huh? Did you take it out? Oh, yeah. I put on the condom in front of beautiful. Scarring. That is. Yeah. So did you take it out? Huh? Did you take it out? Oh, yeah. I put on the condom in front of her.

Yeah. You got to try them out. You were tumescent. Yeah, sure. From the circling process. Right, exactly. Just like a raptor. Like a male raptor.

Raptors become engorged during the hunt. Upon operating a door handle. That was it. It was mostly the door operation. The one Raptor's smoking a cigarette, talking to his friend, yeah, I can only get hard once I operate a door handle. Under fluorescent lighting.

Time to hunt in packs. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you. Love you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Robin Thede, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Robin Thede, special guest.

Yeah, it's great to have you on the program, Robin. Thanks for having me. Can I tell you guys about this great idea I had? It's sort of a dream, but it's not the kind of dream that comes to you when you're asleep. It's just a dream that you have, like something you want, like Martin Luther King's dream. Oh, okay, sure. Completely made up. Yeah. I'm sure you guys know about Clint Eastwood and the thing he did at the Republican National Convention.

That was the best one-man show I've seen in a long time. You know, it was so funny. It was really funny. I heard it on the radio, and I think it was kind of like it was kind of like you know it was like a Nixon Kennedy debate thing I think it's like you know when they you know the people who listen to the debate think Nixon won and the people who watched the debate saw how uncomfortable he was

and think Kennedy won so when I heard it I was like well Clint Eastwood's kind of like yeah this is kind of like fun he's kind of having a lot of fun. But I think just the visual of like that decrepit man pointing to an empty chair made it seem so much crazier than just the dialogue of it. Right.

So I was kind of surprised when everybody was like, did you see the Eastwood thing? I'm like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. He was just saying a bunch of stuff. But I didn't really realize how crazy it was until I saw it after. Here's what my idea is, or my dream. It's President Obama invites Clint Eastwood to the White House for like a reconciliation, like when he had the beer with the cop that unfairly arrested the Kenner Lewis Gates or whoever it was. So he invites Clint Eastwood to the White House and he's in the White House and Clint Eastwood comes in and President Obama extends his hand, you know, for a reconciliation handshake.

And, you know, Clint Eastwood extends his old, his old grizzled hand out. And then President Obama jerks his hand away and does that thing where you slick your hair back and goes, oh! And then he just leaves. Like, remember when they killed Osama bin Laden and he was like, he just left? You know what I'm talking about?

Right, right, right. He's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That's what he does. And Clint Eastwood's just standing there like, what? I just got burned. And then Joe Biden comes up behind him and pantses him. Yeah.

I think that'd be a classy response. What if Joe Biden got down on his hands and knees behind him and then a Secret Service agent – No, because Obama's gone by now. Oh, he's gone right now. The Secret Service agent pushes him over. And then he dies because he's so old he's got osteoporosis. No, sure. He dies of osteoporosis.

He's like unbreakable, like Sam Jackson, unbreakable. Yeah, right. You know, I keep wondering what they're going to do because I think the VMAs, Kevin Hart's hosting the VMAs on Thursday, and I think the DNC's final night is Thursday night. Isn't that Obama's? Oh, is it really? I think, well, the DNC is the 4th through the 6th, and the VMAs are on the 6th. So I'm assuming on the 6th, I could have my dates totally wrong. But I'm just like, what are

they going to do? Because I want to see what both are going to do with this Clint Eastwood thing. Obviously, I think Kevin Hart's going to do something crazy. And I think that President Obama has, you have to acknowledge it. I think that with Kevin Hart, I think it's like the Tina Faye, Sarah Palin situation where the resemblance between Hart and Eastwood is so strong. It's true. If he doesn't do an impression. Yeah. It's like, hello. It seems crazy.

Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I'm just hoping he'll be, you know, they could superimpose him in the chair, you know, and replay Clint's speech or something, you know, something fun like that. But, you know, whatever. But I don't know. I think Obama has to do something. People keep saying, you know, don't stoop to that level.

It's whatever. I'm like, stoop to what level? That was awesome what Clint did. It was hilarious. If you didn't laugh at that, you're a stick in the mud regardless of your party affiliation. I like that you're on a first name basis with Clint Eastwood. Yeah, me and Clint. When I used to work at the opera

in San Francisco, all the guys that worked on the opera, you know, because the opera is like a huge production. You know what? I need to take this opportunity to say this. Uh-oh. Fuck the opera. Oh know, because the opera is like a huge production. I, you know what? I need to take this opportunity to say this. Uh-oh. Fuck the opera. Oh, there it is.

There it is. Taking a controversial stance in an election year. Yikes. Because, you're going to lose voters. Here's the thing, like,

it wasn't until I worked at the opera that I realized how expensive it is not to buy a ticket but to put on an opera. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Oh, it's crazy expensive. There's like, there are seriously like a hundred stagehands working on an opera production. The sets are massive. They're all moving parts. It is insane. And it's just a service for our richest citizens and a few gay men. I'd venture to say more than a few. There's a group, you know, they sell those tickets where you can stand behind the main thing.

And like those dudes, the sort of clean cut middle-aged gay guys that bought those tickets were deeply passionate opera fans for whom – and everyone else wasn't paying any attention at all. And I'd be like, this has to cost $5 million and they got grants for this? Okay. So that's not what i wanted so you're suggesting a fitzcarraldo situation where you put the opera on a steamship and you drive it around the amazon yeah i think well you smoke a cigar on the deck my solution to most things is to fitzcarraldo it yeah bring in verner herzog somehow and see what he can do with it yeah like for example you know i think there's a lot of people who are upset about the Social Security and, you know, the problem with funding entitlement programs.

I'd love to see what Werner Herzog can do with that. You know, that's a classic example of man fighting forces that are more than he can control. What, you know, what would he do? Would Nicolas Cage be involved potentially? Why wouldn't he be involved? They wanted to succeed. Would they use that hologram technology? A recipe for success.

Would they use that hologram technology to bring in Klaus Kinski? You've got to figure once they do hologram Tupac, they're going to bring in hologram Klaus Kinski. I'm actually upset the lack of numerous holograms. It's like that's the only one we have? Yeah, the hologram thing really came to a screeching halt. You would think that by now, I mean, it has been like six months. You'd think that by now Ray Manzarek would have gotten, you know, hologram Jim Morrison to do it.

He's like, wait, a new low I can stoop to? I was at Coachella, not to get off your opera thing. We'll come right stoop to? I was at Coachella. Not to get off your opera thing. We'll come right back to that. I was at Coachella. I saw it. It was phenomenal. It really was.

It really was. The videos didn't do it justice. Really? It was very cool in person. Very cool. Sorry. No, no. Destroy all dreams of it being horrible.

I'm impressed. Yeah, yeah. We wanted to laugh at it, Robin. No, it was really good. Yeah, yeah. Apparently it's super expensive and it took, like, forever to do. Oh, really? Yeah. They say Michael Jackson's going to go on tour, Robin. It was really good. Yeah, yeah. Apparently it's super expensive and it took like forever to do. Oh, really? Yeah.

They say Michael Jackson's going to go on tour, though. Really? Hologram Michael Jackson. I would have a hard time not going to see Hologram Michael Jackson. Oh, I'm there. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm there. I'm crying and passing out.

I feel very strongly about Michael Jackson. Passing out. I thought I was ready to go to London to see Michael Jackson. Yeah. I have to say. No, totally. I came real close. Listen, hologram Michael Jackson is the perfect thing.

You can paint him the right color. He won't touch anyone. If I was, if I, like with each passing year I become more. What about laser Macaulay Culkin? Isn't that what he is? Oh, yeah. Macaulay Culkin is a laser. Anyway he is? Oh, yeah. Macaulay Culkin is a laser. Anyway, what I was going to say about the opera is, so all these guys work on the opera, and they're super salty dudes because they're stagehands.

There is a smattering of people that love opera that work at the opera because they love opera. Like there was one guy whose career it was, he operated a parabolic, he was a parabolic microphone operator professionally. So he would go and work March Madness. He worked the NCAA basketball tournament because especially at the beginning, there's like three games a day. He would basically do a year's worth of work. He'd make, over the course of that four weeks

or whatever it is, he'd make, I think it was like $55,000 or something like that. And he owned a ranch in far northern California that he would just live on for the rest of the year except during opera season. He would come down to San Francisco and do the opera because he loved the opera. But mostly it was just salty stagehand dudes. And the other job they had when it wasn't opera season because opera season only runs three or four months, is they would work on San Francisco movies. And there aren't a lot of San Francisco movies, especially since this was after.

There was like a brief heyday of San Francisco movies, which is the brief period where Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy were all famous at the same time. Oh, I thought it was when they made Milk. And then they were talking about Milk, too. Yeah, they were talking about it. And people were doing pre-production for that around town. I'm still stuck that opera has a three-month season, as if there's a cold-weather opera and a warm-weather opera. Well, you know, it's lengths of cape.

Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That makes sense. Lengths of cape. So there was a time when Robin Williams could dictate where his movies shot. So they shot them all in San Francisco where Robin Williams lives. Whoopi Goldberg at the time lived in San Francisco still and she would shoot her movies there, you know, like Sister Act or whatever. And Eddie Murphy lived in, I think he lived in like Sacramento or something, but he would shoot a lot of his movies in the Bay Area.

So this is like 1991 to 1996. But this was 1998 and that had gone and the only person still shooting movies in san francisco was clint eastwood um he shot all his because he's he lives in carmel or monterey where he has the golf course yeah and and so he would shoot his movies in northern california um you know in in sonoma or whatever and uh so they all worked on Clint Eastwood movies and they fucking loved Clint Eastwood. They would talk shit about anyone, but they would kill you if you said this half a second.

Right. These are guys who would, like during the opera, one of my best memories of working at the opera was it was Carmen or something like that. And the show was starting and just the stage electrician holds up a DVD. He goes, Starship Hooters! And everybody went into the stage electrician's office

to watch Starship Troopers. Well, was it Starship Hooters? You said Starship Hooters. That's what they called it. The porn version. Oh, okay. Oh, I just assumed they were watching the porn version. No, they just liked the different Hooters in the film, the regular film.

There are some pretty good Hooters in Starship Troopers. And so, but if you said one half of an unkind word about Mr. Eastwood, they all called Mr. Eastwood to each other. Oh, they would hate me for calling him Clint. Yeah, that's what made me think of it. Being so informal. I'm impressed that you have such an intimate relationship with Mr. Eastwood. Well, or lack of respect, really, is what I would say. You're just rude to Eastwood.

You know what? Screw him. No, no, no. He actually made me laugh so hard in his career and then also this week. You know that Gran Torino wasn't a comedy, right? That's a lie. Yeah. It was a comedy. It's a laugh right now. I stand corrected.

I stand corrected. Actually, this new movie, I'm wondering how this is going to affect. I think it's going to sell more tickets, to be honest. Someone was telling me that they thought he did it

to promote his movie and I said... Had to. Had to. But what wouldn't make... I mean, I guess he's 82 or whatever he doesn't give a fuck he doesn't give a shit about anything he's like I'm gonna go up there well first of all you have to know that Clint Eastwood is thinking I'm going to murder this like I got this whole bit

I'm gonna have a chair I'm gonna be gruff and like classic Clint Eastwood and he's like and you know what I deserve to be here I was I was the mayor of Carmel. There you go. Carmel by the sea. Maybe you've heard of it. Carmel apples. You can't take credit for that. I know. That just sounds like a dessert, a popular dessert. You didn't do that. No, it wasn't you.

What's going on with you, Jordan? What's happening in your life? Do you have any dreams? No, no, no dreams. You gave those up years ago. Yeah, yeah. I'm just waiting for death at this point. Just picture it.

Too slow. Oh, burn. Burn. Yeah, I think Obama would really like – I think that would do good for his image if he just did more like – Well, what do you think? Do you think he should do something? Seriously, like next week at the DNC, you think he should –

Oh, yeah. I mean I think – yeah, I think I wonder what – I mean I'm guessing there will be a – he'll have some sort of celebrity cameo. Yeah. That will be like kind of an analog of Clint Eastwood. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he can get Bieber? I don't know.

I think he should try for Bieber. I think Bieber is Canadian, so he's kind of – Oh, that's right. I don't think he can go. Yeah, he's not allowed in the building. That's right. Yeah. I don't know.

Let's see his birth certificate. Yeah, really? Yeah, right. Come on, Bieber. He's Kenyan. I know it. Well, Bob Newhart had some very funny tweets that night. He said, I guess he was tweeting, he said, I heard Clint Eastwood's doing an impression

of me at the RNC. I'm having my lawyers draft up papers. And he said, you know, he was he's been going on lots of Twitter rants about it, I guess. Bob Newhart was active on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. Bob Newhart's Bob Newhart's daughter runs his Twitter account. He calls her and tells her what to put on it. There you go. That's nice. Isn't that great? You just send her a telegram. That's why all the tweets have stopped. I know that because I've been to Bob Newhart's house. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I've been to Bob Newhart's house. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I've been

to Bob Newhart's house in his office where he keeps pictures of himself and various presidents. That's the most awkward thing. It's like, if the picture ratio at your house is more of you, even if it's with other people, it makes people awkward. For me, especially if you have kids and there's just pictures of

you with people. You know about Hollywood, right? Have you been to Hollywood? I've've heard of it still trying to figure it out um i you know it's it's so it's so funny it's like the i feel like the republicans do all this stuff to to young and diversify themselves uh you know they they pull a paul ryan and then it's like okay we'll try and find a cuban guy they know right exactly yeah um No greater kinship than the kinship between the largely Mexican-American-Latino population of the United States and the 100,000 Cubans that all live in Miami. And yet it's like, OK, well, we should probably get a— That we're not allowed to visit. Right.

It's like, oh, we should probably get a celebrity. Oh, let's take the oldest, whitest guy there is. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Way to reach out. To redirect a little bit, I'm having a little bit of a – I'm having kind of a – some social discomfort. Ooh.

Really? And maybe you kind of wanted to ask your guys' and the listeners' advice. Maybe we could offer some social lubricant. That would be nice. Thank you. Let me go to 7-Eleven real quick. Thank you. Let me go to 7-Eleven real quick. Thank you. Yeah.

So I was asked to plan or to help in the planning of a good friend's bachelor party. Oh, gosh. Rob, have you had to do any kind of wedding-y stuff? Yes. And I have vowed never again. You had a bad experience. Because all of my sisters and or best friends except for my one sister are married or have kids.

I've had to plan baby showers, bachelorette parties, wedding engagement parties. Oh, it's... So you've had to buy a lot of stuff that's shaped like a penis. Yes.

And I've had to wear, eat, wear, eat, buy, sell, whatever, hang things that are shaped like penises and it is embarrassing

and I refuse to do it ever again. We should mention that you just pulled just this long scroll of verbs out of your pocket. I did. I did. And it hurt me to go through it. Just at the top it says shaped like penis verbs.

Wear, eat, buy, shake. Yes. Sell, mold. Water ski. I was never good at Mad Libs. Dispose of. Yes. Yes Libs. Dispose of? Yes. Yes.

Dispose of. Dispose of. Yet. Anyway, so a good buddy of mine is getting married, and I am kind of the odd man out in the wedding party because I'm the one guy who hasn't known him since high school okay you're the new friend yeah he's from he's from uh he's from san diego and you know all the guys are from san diego and i'm the kind of the one la friend that's been invited into the bachelor party and so and there's there's been a long established best man uh you

know just his number one bro from high school is going to be the best man. But he kind of asked me to kind of weigh in on the bachelor party stuff. And I think the kind of – the reasoning was that like, you know, it's like you're – you know, when you become friends with someone, they kind of tend to see you as they met you. Right. Everybody's got their category. They have a hard time – yeah, they have a hard time kind of realizing the ways in which you've grown. So the party you plan for this – for my 33-year-old buddy is probably different than the party he would have wanted planned for him at 18. I know exactly what you're talking about because just the other day,

one of my sort of lifelong best friends, Adam Katz, who I've known since I was 11 and he was 10, texted me that he was going to a 19th century baseball game. Oh. What? That sounds amazing. So everyone's overweight? All the players are like Babe Ruth bodies? This is pre-Babe Ruth. Oh, pre-19th century.

There's no gloves. Sometimes guys don't wear shoes. You catch it with your bare hands and you have to yell 19th century stuff. We've covered this on the program before. Oh my God, that sounds awesome. But suffice it to say, Leggett, striker to the line, et cetera. Oh, wow. Usually in baseball, when they have to hit a home run, it's like, oh, there's the deals

of if you hit a floating taco out behind the stand, everybody gets a taco. Here, they're aiming for a big picture of the Kaiser. Hilarious. And everyone gets a free Kaiser roll. If they hit the Kaiser, Hilarious. Are they hitting with the paddle? And everyone gets a free Kaiser roll. Hilarious. If they hit the Kaiser, they get a fine fat goose. Yeah. Right.

So I know exactly what you're talking about. And I would imagine that since this buddy is from San Diego, they would want to take him to a volleyball and flip-flops themed party. Right. Classy. Where maybe at the end they would get on a destroyer and launch a sea-to-air missile. Sure, you know. Typical

San Diego weekend. Yep, laid back. Yeah, hanging out, launching a missile. So, you know, so he, and so kind of here's the little thing we cooked up together. Was that like, OK, well – and he's like –

No, wait. This is you and the groom or this is you and his friend? This is me and the groom. I have not – So he's in on it. He knows what's going on. Yeah, yeah. So he kind of – he's like, hey, would you kind of help with this?

Got it. So he's like, I want to get those guys out of San Diego. I want to get them out of – outside of that – You want to get them out of their element. Get them confused. Get them drunk in a strange place far from home. Exactly. We're going to introduce them into like a cockfight situation.

We're going to tie razors to their legs. Tie more razors to their legs. Yeah, they're already some. They're from San Diego. They already have some razors. But they're dull. Yeah. So you need a sharpened razor.

So, you know, we came up with like, hey, maybe we could, you know, there's that website Airbnb that lets you kind of rent a house. Oh, yes. Yes. So, hey, maybe we'll rent, you know, maybe rent a nice house down by Malibu for the weekend. And like, you know, the guys can come up. The guys will want to surf so they can surf during the day. We'll like barbecue during the night and then maybe, you know, we'll get, you know, we'll get a we'll get a limo or something into the into into the city for kind of a night out. Cockfighting.

Yes. And we'll go down to Tijuana for a cockfight. Cockfights we should explain. This is a classic San Diego activity where two San Diego dudes take their cocks out and fight with them. Yeah. While eating a burrito that has French fries in it. Classic. And so, you know, so I kind of put together this email with kind of this list of, you know, some Airbnb links. And it's like, hey, here's the, you know, here's some stuff I'm thinking of.

Here's a couple of different prices we can do. This is so much more than any guy ever does, P.S. This is good for you. I'm on board. Jordan's got some experience. He's done a few best mans. Jordan ran point on my own bachelor party. He was my best man.

My younger brother was a little too young to operate that equipment so you know I hopped in the steam shovel we did like a construction thing yeah

I'm super what are those railroad things that like yeah yeah what are those called we did a hobo's getaway yes

yes what are those called I don't know but the things that you kind of see saw and you have to have two people alright I don't know and the things that you kind of see saw and you have two people all right I don't know and we yeah and we ran from a group of bumbling policemen nice um so so anyway so I send this email and then from the the best man I get a kind of a curt email

oh you sent it to the group not just to the group yeah oh lord she's like mistake so it was kind of like um hey i've got this we're doing it at my place in san diego this is so the movie bridesmaids you realize this right so far here's the thing and so i had to talk to my buddy explosive diarrhea and then you try to address from terry cruz um so i then i kind of re-synced up with my buddy. I'm like, hey, I sent this and it seemed like they weren't into it. He's like, yeah, well – he's like they – these guys are – they're a little bit broke. And so I think they are going to kind of push back against anything. Yeah, they heard Malibu and Limo and they were like, screw you.

Right. So they – so – They're in the flip-flop business. Yeah. So, you know, and that's – and that got – I mean that's absolutely understandable. Yeah. And they are also having a destination wedding. Oh, God.

They invested really heavily in cargo shorts in like 2009. It did not work out well. And it's just starting to slide. Anyways, and so that's kind of what we're fighting against is like oh well like kind of him and I would like to kind of plan something bigger and more elaborate but these guys are are on a budget

and then I realized that this is Bridesmaids and I am Rose Byrne you are you are I am the Rose Byrne character you are I was great in X-Men yeah so I kind of don't know how to proceed right so that's You are. I am the Rose Byrne character. You are. I was great in X-Men. Yeah? Yeah. All downhill after that.

So I kind of don't know how to proceed. Right. So that's where it is right now. Yeah, get everyone a puppy. No, that did not work out. Did you finish watching Bridesmaids? I did not know I watched about three quarters of Bridesmaids. Yeah, no, it didn't work out well.

You should finish it. You should finish it. Or we can continue with this conversation. Totally change your mind. Go watch it now. We're going to go out. You're going to buy it on iTunes. Yep.

Hey, guys, I'll be back in 20 minutes. It's good that you keep the Bridesmaids DVD with you. It's true. You're going to be back in tears. Well, I figured I wanted to finish it out at some point. Yeah. I enjoyed it. So, okay, so do you think it's a territorial thing?

Do you think the best man is coming like, hey, who's this dude who emailed us? Or do you think it's up to the groom to say to his best man like hey i wanted jordan to do this because you know he's the la guy and i just want to take some pressure off of you sure yeah i don't i don't know i don't know it i don't right i don't know if he enlisted me to like fucking run this party right or if it you know yeah so i don't't know what my responsibility is in this situation. Like do I – Have you talked to the groom? I have talked to the groom.

What does he say? He just says, man, that sucks. He's the worst. He realizes that this is a sticky situation. We're kind of both figuring out how to suss it out. But I kind of wanted to see – I think my advice – Yeah.

Didn't ask for it. You're going to get it. OK. I think you need to – I did ask for it. I think I asked for it. OK, good. All right, cool. I think – then you're not going to get it. You're going to get it. Okay. I think you need to – I did ask for it. I think I asked for it. Okay, good. All right, cool.

I think then you're not going to get it. I'm going to be quiet. No, give it to me. I need it. I think you should definitely bow out, give it to the high school friend. I think you have to. And you get to save money. Yay.

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. But if the groom is like, look, I really want to, like if he's really hardcore and he's like, I'm really into this Malibu thing, then you're going to have to

eat the cost of it, which really sucks. Right, yeah. Then I'll have to be the, yeah, I don't think I'm quite ready to go there. But I would say, because I've been in that situation too

where I've been like the fourth bridesmaid and like somebody's got their girlfriend that they've, you know, they've been some friends since they were three. And they're all making jokes all weekend. And I'm like, I don't know any of these jokes. But I think you have to bow out, let him handle it, and just know that's going to suck. Okay.

Yeah. I'm going to have a real weird weekend sleeping on some guy's floor in San Diego. No, no, no. You get your own hotel. Okay. No, I can do that. I think. I think.

Yeah. And just be clear to your friend that's getting married that, look, I don't want to step on any of those. But at the same time, you only do shit five star. I mean, that's true. That's what I'm saying. For you, you're at like Hotel Coronado on the island. Sure.

You're hanging out, shooting poison darts at them, sleeping on the beach. Right, yeah, because when you roll five stars, you bring your own blowgun. Yep. Yeah. Ow! I dip it in the venom of the Amazon frog. First you dip it.

Then... Yep. That's Julia Child explaining how to make a poison dart. First you dip it. First you dip it. And then you shoot it. That's also her recipe for heroin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I had a blog for a while where I went through Julia Child's book of hard drugs. And I tried one a day for a whole year. They made a movie about it. It was called Trainspotting. It ruined your relationship. It was not a faithful adaptation. It was called

The Devil Wears Meth Scars. It was really weird. Right. It's on VOD now. How did not? It's not in theaters. How broke are we talking about? I don't know.

That's a problem here. Yeah. I mean, the problem is you can't tailor this to them because you don't have the information. That's true. That's a good point. I need bank statements. Tax returns. Last seven years, fellas.

I mean, these guys, do you think it's just these guys are each willing to put $100 towards this, but that's going to be in $1 bills? Yeah. Because they're bail strippers? No, because they're going to spend it on strippers. Because they're panhandlers. Oh, okay. Oh, I went a different way. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. I went $1 bills. Yeah. Because they're bail strippers. No, because they're going to spend it on strippers. Because they're panhandlers. Oh, okay. Oh, I went a different way.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went a different way. Yeah. We all thought something fun and different. Yeah, I don't know. Because they're all George Washington. Right.

You know, it's like I never thought I would come up in a snobs versus slobs situation and be the snob. Right. I guess I'm the country club people in Caddyshack. You are. Anyway. Yeah, and that's why you're,

that explains those plaid pants. Right. Yeah, I was wondering. Well, do you think, so you don't know what they do for a living? I think he met a lot, he used to work, we met working at Fuel TV,

but he used to work construction before that. So I think these guys are all in. No, but I mean his best friend. Oh, so they're all in construction. Yeah, I think a lot of these guys are in construction. They make good money. I know, right? What?

I know. Maybe more than me. Yeah. I'm thinking they make pretty decent money. I think it's a territory thing. I think this guy peed on you and was like, that's my friend. So fine, fine, dude. Let's see how good it is.

Sure. Are you prepared to deal with a locals-only situation in the booth? Yes. Ugh. Oh, yeah. Maybe I'm not. Don't you think there's some fucking rich guy surfer dude that's going to hold your head underwater and kick you in the balls or whatever it is that they do? They might be setting you up.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you. Oh, I feel maybe I'm more worried about that in San Diego. Right. Well, right? Because they're going to obviously move it to home feel maybe I'm more worried about that in San Diego. Right. Well, right? Because they're going to obviously move it to home turf. They're not going to do it in L.A. You're going to roll up in your vet convertible with your surfboard sticking out the back.

Ready to go. And you're going to take off your glasses and you're going to say, here comes Doc Hollywood, surfer man. Right. You're going to jump on your board. Yep. Start cutting some waves. And that's when the trouble's going to start. That's when it all starts. That's when the San Diego chicken's going to jump on your board start cutting some waves and that's when the trouble's going to start that's when the San Diego chicken's going to

boom boom are you thinking that they're setting me up to be murdered by the San Diego chicken? I mean that's my thought with most questions can I recommend like a peace ritual you get everyone together

in one room and you don't even have to tell them what's going to happen. Circle jerk. You just all close your eyes and hold your hands and you just go,

San Diego, Superchargers, San Diego. And then this chorus of voices comes in. All these guys are inspired. San Diego. And then this chorus of voices comes in. All these guys are inspired. San Diego. Superchargers. And then the groom says, charge.

Circle jerk. And then you all circle jerk. Then we all circle jerk. I like that. That's fun. I think you have to send the group an email and say, hey, Fox. My bad. Thought you wanted to be classy.

Hey, Fox. Yeah. Sorry you're a bunch of assholes. No, I think you have to be like, hey, man, no worries. You know wanted to be classy. Hey, Fox, yeah. Sorry you're a bunch of assholes. No, I think you have to be like, hey, man, no worries. You know what I mean? You have to keep it really light, but I'll tell you. And I have to keep this civil. So I think this is something I cannot push back on.

Is there a compromise? Hearst Castle. Yeah, right. Well, what's midway between- Camp Pendleton. You can go and shoot people. Camp Pendleton. Or Orange County.

Or I mean, let's just say San Juan Capistrano. Visit some of our- There's a petting zoo there. There's a petting zoo. There's missions. Yeah, you could learn about California's history. Sure. We can just do a little walking tour through missions.

I think the historical element of any bachelor party is absolutely central. It's necessary. It is necessary. That's why I was so appreciative that you scheduled my bachelor party on the Freedom Trail in Boston. Yeah. I mean, it was really, really fun. Yeah. Remember we went to that Benjamin Franklin Museum?

Yeah. Yeah. And the Betsy Ross Trip Club. Whoa. That got wild. Hey. Look out for needles. The nice thing about the Betsy Ross Trip Club.

Wooden sewing needles. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Not like a front needle. It nice thing about the Betsy Roth Strip Club. Wooden sewing needles. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Not like a front needle. It goes down in the back room. You give them a penny, they're happy. You give them a nickel, they're fucking ecstatic. Not a wooden nickel.

And a barrel of salted pork. Well, I'll tell you this quick, quick story. Please. My girlfriend, one of my very good friends got married was having a small bachelorette party six girls so not that many people uh some some of them can get out of control uh so it was between me and another girl to plan it a couple of them play arena football they're kind of ripped um so it was this girl that she almost said her name it was this girl that she worked with uh had not known her even half as long as I had known her.

First Lady Michelle Obama. First Lady Michelle Obama. The friend, by the way, is Valerie Jarrett, trusted advisor of the Obama family. You know me so well. So anyway, my friend sends out an email and says, hey, guys, I want to get together for a really informal bachelorette party. I want all of you guys to be involved. And actually I believe in the email said Robin is going to run points, so you guys all just organize with her, meaning me. And this one girl takes it upon herself to email everyone else in the group and take my name off and go, I'm actually going to plan this.

This is something I really want to do for her. And takes it on herself. So I haven't heard anything from any of the other girls. They haven't responded to my email. I'm like, oh, well, let's just get. All the while this planning is going on without you thinking no one's done anything yet. And I'm also planning. So I'm planning.

I'm getting a suite at the Renaissance and they want to go to a club in Hollywood and Highland. They want to have like they're all live out in like Pasadena or wherever and they want to have like kind of a Hollywood sort of bachelorette. They want to go to that place, that place with the sailor on it that only sells cream puffs. I don't know what that is, but it sounds amazing. Hollywood and Highland. It only sells cream puffs and their mascot is a sailor. I like it. Beard Papa?

I think it's Beard Papa. Oh, my God. When you can't go to Fleet Week, go to Beard Papa. Wait a minute. That got dramatically gayer than I expected. Just dramatically. It went from zero to ten. That quick.

Well, I can understand why you would want to do some clubbing, go to the Ripley's, believe it or not. End up at Mel's. Yeah, sure. So long story short, I finally get with my friend and I'm like, what is going on? No one's responding to my emails. I want to book this suite. And mind you, this is the bachelorette party she wanted to have. We had talked about it.

And so whatever. She said, I guess what's her face is kind of taking it on. Like she really wants to do this for me. I'm so sorry. I thought it was going to be you. This is like the night before the party. This is how long this went on. And so I'm like, OK, fine.

So just have her contact me and tell me what we're doing. That's fine. Like I won't do anything. And so she was like, OK, fine. So just have her contact me and tell me what we're doing. That's fine. Like, I won't do anything. And so she was like, okay, she's going to call you. She sends me an email. Mind you, the party starts at like 9. She sends me an email at 8 p.m. When am I going to get this email on a Saturday night?

8 p.m. And is like, hey, we're all meeting at such and such and come here. Can I suggest, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but Internet Cafe would be a good place to get the email if you need somewhere to meet. No, I got it on my phone. I had an iPhone at the time. But so I get it like around 9, like when they're supposed to meet up. But the problem is they're meeting up and all traveling as a group to like four different places. So I have no idea where to meet them or when they're going to be at wherever.

And you mean you probably have a club getting ready for process that I imagine takes a significant part of that hour. Yeah. No, I'm very fast. You can throw on your cargo shorts and flip flops. Exactly. And go. Get your board, hop in the van.

Right. Get my dog holiday sunglasses. So anyway, long story short, I get there. Put some lotion on your new tattoos. So I get to the venue where I think they are. No one's answering their cell phone. I only have two of their cell phones. They've taken my girlfriend's cell phone and turned it off unbeknownst to her.

Because they were like, we just want you to enjoy your night. I'm beginning to think this is personal against me. Turns out. And they were at the We Hate Robin Club. They were at the We Hate Robin Club. They were at the We Hate Robin Club. Didn't even know it existed. Oh, boy. Long story short, a year later, I find out that this woman totally, we end up at a dinner together with our mutual friend.

And I'm like, yo, whatever happened with the bachelorette party? And she's, I miss the whole thing, by the way. I miss the entire thing. I don't end up meeting where they are. I'm like, I try to show up, like, stalker friend and don't, I don't find them. And she's like, you know what? I felt intimidated and I didn't want you there because I felt like you knew her the longest and I wanted to be her friend. And I was like, you're crazy, but at least I wasn't crazy for knowing that was going on. So this kind of stuff, the moral is, this stuff can take a weird turn if you don't make

a real effort to kind of solidify yourself with the group. So I would say ingratiate yourself with the guys. You know what I would say? I'm thinking about this parallel here. I just want to double check on something. Jordan, you're a lady, right? And you're super catty. You're super catty, right?

And like super, super petty. Yeah, maybe like a pre-Bachelor Party bro down is in order. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Maybe just kind of like get into the zone with them. Catch a Padres game. Yeah. Go to the gas lamp district.

Sure. Gaslight someone. When is this all supposed to tick tick? Tick tick. Yeah. This is, I think this is going to be the last week of September. So you don't have a lot of time. Yeah.

So I have a little time. He said you have a little time. I said you don't have a lot of time. Oh, God. you're fucked. There's still baseball season. You can still go to the Padres game. I really don't know a lot about San Diego. You could all go to the zoo.

Zoo is amazing. I do know that I feel like when I... Amazing. Amazing. The zoo. The monster. The zoo is too monster. You know, I'll just impress them with the funny ways in which I pronounce words. There you go. They're probably the kind of guys.

When you're talking about some construction guys from San Diego, they're definitely into that. Yeah, they're super into that. Do you also want to call them the Gauss-Lom? Gauss-Lom. Gauss-Trick. They're like, get the fuck out of here. That's the demo for the California go surfer guy. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. Anyway, I think that's not a bad idea bro down. Yeah. No, I think I think connect on the emails and be like I'm totally down

with whatever you guys want to do. Is there something that you is there something that's like this Malibu plan that you could afford to spring for the main part of? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me ask you that question as a side thing. Or is it still like them having a kissing contest?

Like what about Palm Springs? Yeah. I mean, yeah, they are all 60-year-old gay men. So I think we'd really enjoy ourselves there. No, no. I think maybe there is a happy medium. Like maybe if I could spring for like the nice house rental in San Diego, I mean, A, that's cheaper than the Malibu one. Yes.

Without having priced it, I'm almost positive it is. So, yeah, maybe that's something I can afford on my own. Like maybe I can get the nice house rental and everybody can at least have the kind of the nice home base to hang out at and party at. But they don't – Or you could like – Or you could pay – you could offer to pay for the price difference between prostitutes and escorts. You know what I mean? Just push it up.

It's a tricky situation. Everybody's got different tastes. That's true. Maybe they want the- Some people want something a little saltier, a little- Yeah. Spicy, salty. Sure, sure.

Wait a minute. Spicy, that's racist. I tweeted once. You know, black girls hate being called sassy. Just FYI. Oh, I'm black radio or podcast world. Is this the radio? What is this?

Oh, gee, yeah. This is the Howard Stern Show. What is this? Yeah. Where am I? Baba Booey. I'm Rush Limbaugh. Thank you.

Thank you. You look great. Thank you. I've lost a lot of weight. Yes. Become younger. Lost all of my convictions. Yes, you have. All of my money. All of my money as well. No, so black girls hate being called sassy

and Latin girls especially, I guess, hate being called spicy, right? I found out. Yes, I guess that's true. On Twitter. Yes. As you would know, as a Latina. Jessie, you're Michelle Rodriguez, right? Yeah. I was on Twitter.

I said, I wonder if Hispanic women hate being called spicy as much as black women hate being called sassy. And the overwhelming response was yes. Yeah. I believe that. Yeah. So you're right. I am racist, apparently. It's like how us public radio hosts dislike being called thoughtful.

Eskimos are so thoughtful. Oh, yeah. Because it's almost condescending, right? It's sort of cliched, right? You're like, oh, so I'm boring. Okay. Yeah. Exactly.

Eskimos hate being called blubbery. Yep. Yep. Yeah. They hate being called snow. Yeah. There's just a lot of words for it in your people's language. Yeah.

I wish I knew an Eskimo. I think you have to look for a middle ground. Yeah. Yeah. There's just a lot of words for it in your people's language. I wish I knew an Eskimo. I think you have to look for a middle ground. I think there is probably a compromise. I just haven't figured it out. You have to figure out what is the one cool element that you can pay for completely so you're not asking for anything from them that takes it out of their just playing video games in... Yeah, somebody's dorm. I mean, I'm not saying that this won't... And they're not in college, mind you.

That's a weirdo. I'm not saying... They live in a dorm. Yeah. I'm not saying this won't involve playing video games. Yeah, no, it certainly will. Hopefully, if it involves playing video games, you'll at least get... I mean, in my dream version, it did.

You'll get a projector at least, right? You can do it on the side of a house or something. That would be cool. That would be a lot of fun. But I think you have to move it out of their direct zone of influence. Right. So you can't be just in their normal world. And that's the other thing about making this party is that you have to make it something that is outside of their normal world anyway for it to be a quality, memorable bachelor party.

That's sort of the premise of a bachelor party is that it's a once-in-a-lifetime event in whatever way because the person's life is going to end because I am a male comedian from 1986. Richard Jenney, everyone. Richard Jenney. but Richard Jenny everyone Richard Jenny but I mean I think I think you know what I mean like it has there has to be something distinct about it

yeah right and I think that's I think that's what I'm trying to like steer them away from the 400 bucks for right

400 bucks is a lot of money but if it's a friend that you're I guess you have to spend money on destination wedding as well but oh god you know if it's somebody whose wedding party you're in it's a friend that you're, I guess you have to spend money on destination wedding as well. Oh, God. You know, if it's somebody whose wedding party you're in, it's a significant bond. And, you know, something that costs that much money that you can find, rather than having to do something that costs $2,000 and you have to split it with everybody.

Yeah. Right. Okay. And you just have to be careful. I mean, is it that thing? If it's such an ego thing, if you're like, guys, let's not do a hostel. Let's do a hotel. Are they going to be offended? Like, what are you trying to say?

Like if they're a bunch of meatheads, you know, are they like meatheads is what people. That's who Robin calls the poor. That's the poor. Yes. Yes, it's true. Oh, did I mention that? Me and Mitt Romney. Me and Clint Eastwood called them meatheads. It's one of those coded words. It's like how the Republicans have been running all those campaign advertisements about lazy people on welfare. Right.

Job creators, meatheads. Did I mention that all the guys are juggalos? I should have said that early. I should juggalos. What's a juggalo? Someone who's a fan of the Insane Clown Posse. Oh. And puts on makeup.

Sorry. Not down with them, apparently. Yeah. I just thought it was like a juggalo with really big man boobs. They're all male prostitutes. Yeah. A very unfit male prostitute. That would be a horrible male prostitute.

Can you imagine the male prostitute at the gathering of the juggalos? Yeah. He's like, hey, guys. Anybody want to do some hustling with me? Hey, I'm a male prostitute. Does anyone want to have male-on-male sex with a male prostitute here at the Gathering of the Juggalos? I'm wearing a little bow tie. Yep.

That's how you'll know me. Wait. So what's up with Insane Clown Posse? What are they doing these days? They've been declared a gang by the FBI. That's ridiculous. The FBI said that Juggalo is a gang. I don't know.

So I guess anytime a juggalo kills someone or steals Go-Go Taquitos from a 7-Eleven. Yeah. They've got to cure their yeast infections just like the rest of us. That's true. Juggalos get yeast infections. Maybe more often.

They just smash the shit out of that Taquito display. Right. You know that big window over the rollers? Yeah. Just smash that and just reach in. They're like, ah! Because they have to touch the hot rollers to get the touch. I don't understand. But it's fucking worth it.

Sure. They're so good. It's always worth it. It's so good. And they are so high, you know? Yeah. Munchies, man. Munchies.

You know what I'm talking about. I do. Are Trekkers now a gang also then? Yeah, they are. They perpetrate a lot of crimes against sanitation. Am I right? They smell bad. Yes.

Fucking nerds. Richard Jenny, everybody. I hope you get so many angry tweets. Oh, boy. One is coming from me as soon as I can figure out how to work Twitter.

So, yeah. So, I think that's I think what I'm doing now is I can figure out how to work Twitter. So, yeah. So I think what I'm doing now is I'm kind of looking for that compromise. I think that is like, yeah, maybe it is like having the house rental, maybe getting the cool beach house. I like that. But in San Diego. I like that. You know, and then just kind of, or, you know, maybe I, anyway, something like that. You know what I say you go to?

I say you get to Carlsbad. Here's my recommendation for you. Now we're talking. Go to Carlsbad. I like that. You know what I say you go to? I say you get to Carlsbad. Here's my recommendation for you. Now we're talking. Go to Carlsbad. I like this. You go to that German delicatessen where you pick out a piece of meat and then they cook it for you. Yep. Okay.

Three times a day over the course of a three-day weekend. Yeah. Fucking bachelor party gold. Yeah. There's at least nine different types of meat you can eat. You can take them home Save for them later Do they have an area

Where we can do a circle jerk Like a Well Like a banquet room It's called a delicatessen Yeah In the delicatessen Yeah

Great One time I got an email About when I went When we did a Jordan Jesse Go long ago Where I talked about This place in Carlsbad I got an email Maybe two months ago From someone who said that was one of the most important

things that had ever happened on a podcast because it reaffirmed their identity as a Carlsbadian. I received multiple emails about that. My sister lives in Vista. She's right by there. Next time I go down, I'll have to check that place out. This fucking German deli. I don't have no idea what it's called, but it is the best thing ever.

I can't wait. I have no idea what it's called, but it is the best thing ever. I can't wait. There's just all these dried meats and sausages and steaks and krauts. Again, that's racist. It's not because my father is German, so it's not. Oh, okay. I can say it.

Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on a very spicy episode. Spicy and sassy. Of Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Robin Thede, you're a very special guest. Hey, let's talk about sponsors for a second. First of all, got a question?

Why not ask Metafilter? You should. That's a new slogan I just improvised for ask Metafilter. It's really good. Got a question? Ask Metafilter. I like it. Does it work?

I mean, I feel like I'm definitely selling it with the delivery, but if I remove that perfect, near perfect delivery, would it still work? I think the problem is that it is not clever at all or in any way surprising. It's a new twist on an old classic. Oh, okay. Then, yeah, I love it. Got a question? Ask Metafilter online at ask.metafilter.com.

It's a great place to get your questions answered and search for other people whose answers have been questioned. That's great. Yeah. Again, I feel like the thing is it's hard to evaluate. If you remove my performance, you know, it's sort of like it's tough. It's like would Ace Ventura have been funny if you remove Jim Carrey's performance from it? You know, it's such an essential part of it.

Sure. And I'm worried that if Ask Metafilter tries to use this without my near-perfect comic chops. Well, anyway, look, just go to Ask. But they don't have to. Just go to Ask Metafilter. Listen, that's just a fantasy scenario. Hey, and Abundantrade is back this week. That's terrific.

We love Abundantrade. Absolutely. This is a website that you can use to, you can basically, if you want, you can just go through your house, get every CD and book and video game and whatever that you don't want. Even now, certain kinds of old electronics, put them in a box, mail them to Abundatrade. Abundatrade will sell them on the internet for you. And if you're looking for books, CDs, Abundatrade has them. Yeah, Abundant Trade has them. Yeah, Abundant Trade has them. Hey, did you know that JJ Go customers will receive an extra 10% on their trade-in if you go to AbundantTrade.com slash JJ Go?

Hey, and free shipping on all trade-ins valued at $25 or greater. I guess if you go to AbundantTrade.com slash JJGo.php, you really can't go wrong. This is going to change your life. This is like a great elementary school teacher. Yeah. Of websites. So you're saying this is like Mrs. Christian. Yeah, exactly. Hey, we are going to be at the San Francisco Burrito and Comedy Festival. Yeah.

In October. October 11th through 13th. We're going to do Jordan Jesse Go and International Waters at this thing. This thing is going to be a blast. I might actually be doing a little stand-up comedy as well. You will be doing a little stand-up comedy. Lots of you and I at the San Francisco Burrito and Comedy Festival. If you go to their website, which I don't have in front of me right now, but if you

go to their- Jesse, it's the sfcomedyandburitofestival.com. Oh, great. sfcomedyandburitofestival.com. You get $5 off your festival pass if you use the code MAXFUN. And there are a bajillion great comedians performing at this festival.

This is a real knock-down, drag-out operation. An old friend of the show, super long-time Max Funster, who I've known since my days working at the SF Sketch Fest, Amin Bulbari, is putting on this thing. He's a great guy. A real burrito connoisseur. This is a man I trust making burrito and comedy judgments, both.

And as you know, those are basically the two closest things to my heart. I'm basically saying this is equivalent to me saying that I trust him to fuck my wife oh that's where we're at with my how important burritos and comedy are to me so you know me and me you can come you can you can hang out with me and i mean we'll talk about el farolito we'll talk about whether the el farolito in the omi is better than el Faro in the Mission. And then you can fuck one of these burritos. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And we're also going to be in Los Angeles at the LA Riot Festival.

Yeah. Tickets for that are on sale now. Go to MaximumFun.org. The panel is on the right-hand side. Buy your tickets. Don't miss us. Yeah, it's UI and Throwing Shade. Yeah, it's going to be a blast.

Our pals Brian and Aaron are going to be there. And maybe we're going to have a special guest. We'll probably have a special guest. We'll probably have a pretty special guest. Look, we're going to bring in a special guest. Come on. This is Hollywood. The heart of show business.

Of course we're going to have a special guest. Mr. Clint Eastwood. An empty chair. And I also wanted to take this opportunity to offer some congratulations to our friends at Stop Podcasting Yourself. I don't know if you heard about this, Jordan. They just went to the Canadian Comedy Awards in Toronto, Canada. You probably heard of Toronto, Canada. The TDOT, as Cardinal Official is known to call it.

And they won the Best Comedy Podcast Award there. Hey, well-des deserved, I'd say. Graham and Dave are the best. Congratulations, Graham and Dave. But watch out, we're coming for you next year. In the non-Canadian category. Presumably. We presume there's a non-Canadian category. It's us and Bieber.

We're teaming up to get into the Canadian. But he's grandfathering us into the Canadian. That's what I'm saying. We're teaming up with Justin Bieber. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. It's weird teaming up with Justin Bieber. That's what's going to let us get into the Canadian category, and then we're going to kick the shit out of Graham and Dave and stop podcasting here. Yeah, fuck them. Just kick them square in the nuts.

If you want to sponsor Jordan and Jesse, go Teresa at MaximumFun.org, send her an email. Or if you want to just get up on the Jumbotron, just share a little message. Wish somebody happy birthday. Tell some people about your artisanal something made of felt on Etsy. Just go to MaximumFun.org

You know, like an artisanal honey made of felt. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Robin Thede. How did I get here? Oh, you were invited. Oh, that's right. Thanks, guys. It's a delight to have you. Superstar's mega writer,

Robin Thede. I like that. One of the most successful comedy writers we've ever had on this program oh my god you

really that's a lie it's mainly homeless people oh okay well then that makes sense so you are you'd be surprised how many writers

are homeless the aforementioned Stephen King yes exactly wanders around Maine yelling at people Robin when something momentous happens

to our listeners we ask that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN to let us know for a segment called Momentous Occasions. Brian Fernandez, of course, manning the Momentous Occasions-o-tron. Give us an occasion, Brian. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and delightful guests. I have a momentous occasion. My wife and daughter and I were sitting in our bedroom after I got home from work. We have a little storage chest at the foot of our bed, the kind you might store a few extra blankets in. My daughter opens it up for no particular reason and finds a box of Girl Scout cookies inside, the peanut butter patty tag-along types.

Sounds momentous right there, a surprise cookie party. Well, when my daughter handed me the box, she said that she felt something moving inside. In disbelief, I took the box. I remained still, and sure enough, I could feel the weight of the box shifting slightly. Quickly, the box went into a plastic bag. My wife said, no way. She had to feel it, also thinking that anything living inside would have had to burrow in. But the box exterior was perfectly intact.

She felt the box. She felt what we felt and freaked out. So the box in the plastic bag went right into the trash can outside. We have no idea what is in there. And even as I call you, it's still out in the trash, whatever it is. I'm sure it's still alive.

Get out of there! Get out of the house! Have a good day. Bye. What? Are you serious? E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E- reference. Yay! I've been waiting all day. Oh my god, that is the most horrifying story. Right up to the part where he whatever was inside, he let it die. Well, he did let it. Well, no, it had plenty of cookies to live on and apparently plenty

of air. No, here's the thing. What if it was a Girl Scout? It doesn't matter. This dude missed out on a huge money-making opportunity. The box was sealed. You can sue the Girl Scouts and bring them down and become rich. Oh, yeah. Take down those assholes. Finally.

Yeah. Knock them down a peg. Yeah, this could have been a victory for the Rocket Scouts. It's true. Now, granted, we don't have any reason to take down the Girl Scouts, who, as far as I know, have no problem with gays. But I say get them in your sights and take them down. Take them down. Don't hurry and rush more style.

Let's do this. I got kicked out of the Girl Scouts because my parents couldn't afford the uniforms. So screw the Girl Scouts. Fuck them. You know what? I'm right there with you because I got kicked off of the volleyball team in middle school because I lived in San Francisco and my middle school was on the peninsula south of San Francisco. And my parents didn't have a car, couldn't afford to have a car. Yeah.

So I couldn't go to the games unless someone gave me a ride. And I got kicked off for not being able to. I had to be in modern dance class. I had to do a dance to not come on, ride the train, come on and ride it. Wump, there it is. Wump, there it is. Upside down, inside out. I'm about to show all you folks what it's all about.

It's time for me to get on the mic and make this motherfucking party hype. Taking it back. I know this. Taking it back to the old school. It was so cool. If you want to get down, let me show you the way. I think you've heard us say it. I

know that because I had to do a dance to that song over and over. That and Cantaloupe by Us Three. Over and over and over and over and over with a class of exclusively girls. Oh, my God. And not the cute ones because the athletic ones were on the –

Or playing volleyball. Your choices were you were either on the volleyball team or you were in dance class because it was a small school. Oh, God. So you had to do something for your P.E., you know. So once I got kicked out, then I was officially in the volleyball. I was in the modern dance class. It was terrible. That is an unheard of way to scar young men.

Oh, it was bad. Wow. It was bad. But it did foster a love for trip hop. For commercial jazz hip hop fusions. It's true. And for hot dance club beats. Yep.

Yep. I think we may have done hot dance club beats. Yep. Yep. I think we may have done like our dance to Y'all Ready for This. Like that's the type of music. So wait. So just jock jams then? Oh, yeah. Those are jock jams. Like I guess us three is a little outside the jock jams.

But besides that, yes. Just jock jams. Okay. Wow. Specifically. Maybe that's what I need to get this bachelor party going. Some jocks and jock jams. Well, I'll tell you.

My Wump There It Is story was I went to Six Flags and made a music video doing that song. Oh, my gosh. And I had on a spray-painted t-shirt to match my girlfriend. And we were the coolest people in the park. Well, how did you make a music video? Oh, they had like a booth. And you could go in there. And they had like a green screen.

And they played the music like karaoke, right? I thought this was an independent production. It was not. Full on. You had a DP. Let me tell you, it was classy. That sounds pretty classy. You get a VHS when you leave.

It had to have cost like $85. It was ridiculous. Did your shirt say whoomp? No, because we didn't know we were going to do that. No, it was like our nicknames. I don't even remember what mine was. Mine was like Fresh Star or something ridiculous. And hers was like Pretty in Pink.

So then we went to Six Flags. So you were friends with Molly Ringwald. I was. That's really cool. I was. That's really cool. That is really fun. We've since had a fallout.

Here's what it is. A, it's upsetting that there was an animal in there. B, it's upsetting that he fucking murdered it Stuart Little style. He did. He fucking glued it in a box and dumped it in a rainwater bucket. What would you have done? Would you have opened it? I would have opened it.

Yeah. I mean, at the very least, I'd opened it with a stick or something. Right. Take it outside. Poke it with a stick. Yeah. Put on some gloves and open it maybe. Or put it in an aquarium or something.

Just throw it in the shower. No, you don't want to murder whatever it is. You just want to let it go. No, no, like an empty aquarium. So you can open it and let it run around. What if it's a tiny guy like in Willow? Oh my God. Oh, it could have been Willow.

It could have been Willow. Not Willow. The little tiny guys from Willow. Willow's not small enough to fit inside there. Let's be real. It was a rat. Maybe I don't remember Willow enough. It had to have been Willow. Not Willow. The little tiny guys from Willow. Willow's not small enough to fit inside there. Let's be real. It was a rat. It had to be Willow. Yeah, let's be real.

What else could it have been? It was a rat or- What do you think it was like? How did the- Here's a concern of mine. What about the little girl that sold this? She's like, this one's real skittery. Well, five bucks.

Yeah. Five bucks, mister. This one's more because it's shrieking. Is that Girl Scout values? Wait, unless it hatched. Oh, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was like an alligator. You think that there might have been a rat egg in there?

Or an alligator egg. Gators. Look out. Gator egg. A new refreshing drink. It's got electrolytes, right? That's why you drink a Gatorade. Electrolytes, and it helps you build bulk.

Right. Next call, please, Brian. Hi, this is George in Fort Lauderdale calling with a momentous occasion. I have been hanging out with my two-year-old daughter today, and we were in traffic just now. Someone cut me off, and I said, oh, fuck. And I hear this echo from the backseat. Oh, fuck. And a sweet little two-year-old voice. So my daughter

said fuck for the first time. That's my moment. That's really sweet. That's really nice. You know what Simon has been saying lately? Simon's my son. He's a year old and he's only been, he only has, you know, he likes to say this and that mostly. But he's got a few more words.

But he doesn't always have the right word for a situation. And lately, when he sees something really good, and I want to be clear, he's a year old. So when he says stuff, he doesn't do it performatively. He still doesn't say any words performatively but when he sees something really good he his eyes get huge like as big as eyes could get his mouth goes into a circle and he goes that's great just completely unselfconsciously, like not as a thing. Just that is the sound of the tea kettle of excitement.

This is like, you know, when he sees a cartoon he really likes or something. What will bring this on? Oh, he's a truck man. Yeah. I mean, he's my son. Yeah. Sure. Old Jesse Truckthorn.

Truckasaurus. Old Truckasaurus. Well, I have a three-year-old nephew, and my sister has a bad problem not cursing around the kids, but has gotten very good, especially since I've started talking. She has a three-year-old and a one-year-old. But the three-year-old has taken to using the word shit. Oh. And so I can relate to this. And, you know, I relate to this and you know i was there and he dropped his toy and he said oh shit i said oh no acacia not only have you this is my sister's name

not only have you taught him how to curse but he's doing it correctly and i was like how often do you curse and she's like never she's like i swear it's just like she said yesterday he heard me say it because i burned my hand on a pot or something. It comes up. That's the thing. This morning I was fully dressed to come and do Jordan, Jesse, go. I was sitting in Simon's room eating a big-ass bowl of grape nuts. This is the only way to eat grape nuts. Yeah, just a totally full bowl of grape nuts.

And Simon just came over and somehow – I don't even know. He somehow flipped it over directly onto what I will call my humping zone. Yep. Yep. And if you just imagine like a weird mound, like it was a full bowl of grape nuts. Oh, God. So it was like a weird mound of grape nuts. Yeah.

Like what do you even do then? Yeah. Like when you're like dripping. Regular nuts. When you're dripping, you just sort of like rub it in and then go change your clothes. But I was completely covered in this weird amount. And you can't pick up grape nuts. No.

That's the other thing. They go through your hand like grains of sand or time, metaphorically. It's true. The grape nuts of time. Yeah. It was the grossest thing. And I said, my wife freaked out because I said, shit! Like full

volume. Because I was shocked. Yes! Teresa thought that maybe, you know, Simon's head had just been knocked off or something. Yes, of course. Even worse. Well, it's true. A grape nuts accident. It's true.

Well, you don't want to say you died that way. Let's hear another call, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and possible guest. This is Claire calling from Humboldt County. I'm calling for Momentous Occasion. I have a daughter who's younger than Simon. She's about seven months old. And today I got out of the house for the first time to go to a mommy group.

And while that moment was for me, it's probably not that interesting to you. But what I found more interesting was in the group, I met my first juggalo mom. I could tell she was a juggalo straight off because she had a hatchet man tattoo on her breast. But then she casually turned to the very sort of straight-laced, button-down mother sitting next to her, and I heard her say, well, my husband and I are both juggalos. I thought you'd like that. Have a good week. Thanks. Bye.

It's like they said my husband and I are Lutherans. Right. But we're juggalos. I am so glad we covered this today. Yeah. What have I been missing? My husband was just elected a presbyter of the juggalo community. Right.

And what kind of response are you trying to elicit when you say that to someone? I mean, are you trying to scare them? Are you trying to— You're trying to get them to spray orange Faygo on you. Yeah, or to tell you where to get meth. Right. Yeah, wow, that's so funny that, yeah, I guess juggalos are having – I guess I'm surprised. Of course they're having kids.

Yeah, I know. Right. Surprise, surprise. But it's strange that like that, you know, one is so responsible – like that seems so responsible to go to the mommy and me group. It seems like something that – And what are the juggalo kids called? I was going to say muggalos, but that sounds like something from Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe muggle juggalo. I don't know. This is going in a weird place. But yes, it is very responsible of them to go to Mommy and Me. My wife likes to go to Mommy and Me yoga

and I like to imagine that this is a Mommy and Me yoga event. There you go. Yeah. I like it. Right. So they're all in Downward Dog

and she's like, hey, me and my husband are Juggalo's bitch. I don't know why she sounded like that. Downward Dog. No, no,

that's like a fair. That's good? Okay. Fucking chakras Downward dog. No, no. That's a fair. That's good. Okay. Fucking chakras. How do they work? Feel my karma up in here, bitch. The jug for Robin for your benefit. Yes.

The insane clown posse had a song containing the lyrics. Fucking magnets. How do they work? Oh. So they don't understand magnets. Anyway. Yeah. They don't understand. Not good at science?

They don't understand a lot of different stuff. I'm trying to find. I have this Harry Potter question for you guys. Ooh. They don't understand a lot of different stuff. I'm trying to find. I have this Harry Potter question for you guys. Ooh. I don't know if you guys have at least seen. I'm super into it, so. Yeah. Okay, good.

Good. I'm glad. Where is this thing about Gryffindors? Well, just while you're finding that, I wonder if the lady at the Mommy and Me was frightened. I couldn't tell her reaction. Yeah. I mean I guess – yeah, I mean I guess maybe the Juggalo was there to rob the Mommy and Me. Maybe.

I mean do new moms keep a lot of money and electronics on them? Maybe. Or was she reaching out like, please help. I'm trapped in this life and now I have a Juggalo child. Maybe. Yeah, maybe it's like Scientology. Right. She's trying to get out.

Maybe that hatchet man tattoo on her boob was involuntarily put there. That's right. Maybe this is the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Juggalo. Yes. This is what I'm thinking. Once she had a child and realized, oh, what am I doing? I have to get out. Yeah.

Someone tweeted me a list of people from MaxFun and what kind of guy they are on Harry Potter. Somebody's a... Oh, here we go. Okay. Hodgman is a Slytherin. Our friend Scott Simpson, regular guest on this show, co-host of... Hodgman's a Slytherin? All right.

Scott Simpson is a Ravenclaw. Okay. Jordan? All right. Scott Simpson is a Ravenclaw. Okay. Jordan and our friend Adam Lissagor, Lonely Sandwich, are Hufflepuffs. Oh, that's not good. Or Hufflepuffs, maybe.

Hufflepuff. Not good. Well, it means you're kind of like limp. Yeah, well. And who's the Gryffindor, Jeff? If you haven't had your pill. Yeah, sure. You know what I'm talking about?

It's true. Why? I'm a Gryffindor. Oh, you're the courageous hero of the group. I am? Yes. Oh, that's great. You're the leader.

I just assumed that meant fat faggot. No, no, those are the Ravenclaws. Oh, okay. Oh. And Slytherins are evil, so Hodgman is the evil, conniving, dirty, dirty, dirty underhanded man. And I should clarify that when I say fat faggot, I mean that something what a mean guy would say about me. I didn't even hear that part.

I just heard fat. I'm not. Still Ravenclaw. But still Tyr. Well, I don't like that I'm the bad one. Why can't I be? What's a hoofle poof? A hoofle poof is they're just kind of like there's never any stories about them.

They're just kind of like wah, wah. But they are on the side of the Gryffindors. They're not on the evil. They don't tend toward the evil side. But the point is, so I'm better than Jordan. Oh, you're better than everyone. I want to give a big shout out to At Now We Are All Tom, a.k.a. Tom Dickinson of Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

You're Harry Potter. That's great. Yeah. What am I in Twilight? It's not great. Dear listeners, what am I in the Twilight?cket, Rhode Island. You're Harry Potter. That's great. Yeah. What am I in Twilight? It's not great. Dear listeners, what am I in the Twilight? Oh my goodness.

You would definitely want to be a Jacob, whatever they are, the wolves. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be one of the vampires. What am I in the

Never Ending Story? What am I? Oh, you're the little guy when he walked around the circle who let him in. Like a gatekeeper. I want to be that cool dog, that flying dog.

Oh, I want to be that statue with big boobs. There you go. Tom, what are we? That movie still gives me nightmares. Come on, Woonsocket. Yeah, Never Any Story is terrifying. Wait, did anyone see the Return to Oz movies? No one ever knows what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah, that gave me nightmares. Okay, thank you for validating the fact that I am not crazy and that this movie exists. Those clunky robot guys? Yes, and they were on skates. Yeah, those gave me nightmares. Okay, thank you for validating the fact that I am not crazy and that this movie exists. Those clunky robot guys? Yes, and they were on skates. Yeah, those are fucking horrifying. Yeah, I feel like there's this cluster of kids' movies. There's Return to Oz, Never Ending Story, Labyrinth. Oh, I was thinking of Labyrinth, The Gatekeeper.

My fault. Yeah, and whatever that thing is. I'm David Bowie in Labyrinth. And whatever that thing is with the Skeksis. Except for I'm a little handsomer. And I think it's not that they were trying to make kids' movies scarier. It's just that fucking puppets are terrifying. Oh, but I love puppets.

Oh, no, I enjoy a puppet, too. I love a good puppet. But I think they're scarier than a non-puppet. See, I loved The NeverEnding Story as a kid. It did not scare me. No. But Return to Oz scared the fuck oh yeah oh yeah I really truly had nightmares into my probably in into my early adolescence oh well that's how I am about labyrinth which I was

confusing for never-ending story but yeah that's how I am with that oh because the star of uh you're you're afraid of uh sort of everything indistinct gendered rock stars? No, he didn't bother me. It was everything. I don't know. That whole movie was so creepy to me. I think I used to have dreams that I was in kind of a maze and couldn't get through. And that was like my worst nightmare.

So it was a sort of existential fear. It was. Now we get to the root of the problem. You didn't like the part in Labyrinth where the father said that the daughter disappointed him. Right, right, right. And would never amount to anything. Daddy issue. And then she couldn't hold on to a mound of grape nuts that was slipping through her fingers. Do we have any more calls, Brian?

Okay, that's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. Go. Oh, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Put it in your phone. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And Robin Thede, the OSA special guest. Oh, it's been a delight to have you on the program, Robin Thede. Thank you guys so much. As I understand it, you have a live show coming up in the Los Angeles area? It is. It is at Second City in Hollywood. Oh, I've heard about this place. That place. Famous comedy theater.

It's you and John Candy. It is. It's going to be be amazing you're angling for that canadian comedy award next year right and i'm i am using that's right and i am using hologram technology um now it's hologram candy it's a hologram we need to make that show uh it's called 227 the lost episodes uh based on the favorite 80s sitcom with Marla Gibbs and Jack A. Harry, we literally improvised a new episode that never made it to air. So you come and you basically come to a live TV taping. You're transported to 1987 and get to see craziness ensue. So it's very fun.

Starts September 12th, every Wednesday at 8 p.m. through December at Second City. And you're writing on a television program. Yes. Yes, I am. at Second City. And you're writing on a television program. Yes. Yes. I am. I just am working on Kevin Hart's new sitcom called

The Real Husbands of Hollywood. We have 10 episodes for BET, so that'll be out in the spring. I'm in Smartass, a new movie

with Marlon Wayans where J.B. Smoove plays my husband. It's a very funny movie. Wow, that's pretty good. That's kind of a dream come true. Yeah, I'm on season two of Key & Peele.

Lots of stuff, so you can see me. Go to RobinTheaty.com. Come on. But I mean, you should have just said, I'm going to play J.B. Smoove's wife in a movie and just left it at that. And just left it there. Just dropped the fucking microphone.

Obama style. Yeah. And then Joe Biden would come in and pants us because we're so embarrassed that we've never been asked to play J.B. Smoove's wife. I like to bury the lead, guys. Hey, I want to tell people, we just put out, as of this recording, we just put out the latest episode of International Waters. It's the show that we recorded live in London.

It features me as host, of course. And in this case, Jordan is actually one of the panelists. And it is a, I know we're tooting our own horn, but it's a really great, fun episode. I think you would really enjoy listening to it. If you haven't given

International Waters a try, I think you should. This is the one. It's a great, it's a great, fun pop comedy, pop culture quiz show that I think you will find

to be a blast. Some delightful British comics on the show. John Ronson, best-selling author John Ronson, is on the program and was delightful. It was great, very funny. So give it a listen. I think you will really like International Waters.

Give it a try. And we'll see everybody at our live shows in L.A. and San Francisco. Buy those tickets now. And we'll be back next week on Jordan Jesse Goes. Special thanks to Brian Fernandez on the board. Yep. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. 206-984-4FUN, JJGO at MaximumFun.org.

Somebody Facebook messaged me that their phone doesn't have the letters on the numbers so they can't dial. And I just sent him a link to a Google image search for a telephone keypad. You should have sent him a link to Best Buy so he can get a new phone. How does this work on a rotary phone? No, it works on a rotary phone.

So what phone is he working on? Get yourself a rotary phone. This guy's got one of those Pennsylvania 6-5 thousand separate earpiece and mouthpiece situations. He's still trying to reach the operator. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.