Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 240: Unaccompanied Miner with Brian Heater

Episode Date: September 10, 2012

Brian Heater joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the mile high club, a dog beach in Southern California, Bob Mould, and Jordan's psycho neighbor.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Mr. Brian Heater. And we consider the rules for what constitutes membership in the Mile High Club. And some other less vulgar things like the time I went to the dog beach. You know, sweet stuff. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Hot, hot, hot. It's actually Brazil Day. Is it really? Yeah, on the way to pick up our delightful guest. Yes. I passed a park that had a big banner that said Brazil Day in L.A. I passed a park that had a big banner that said Brazil Day in L.A.

And I legitimately thought to myself, do I have time on the way to pick up our guest to stop and check out the butts? Have I ever talked about on the program this store that opened near my house when I was like 16 that sold exclusively Brazilian products? You have not. It has to be a drug front, right? What could possibly, what even is an example of a Brazilian product? I know, you know. Like a wax, some kind of wax. Hold on. Our guest, you know him from his interjection earlier

before he'd even been introduced on the show. You know him from the interjection earlier before he'd even been introduced on the show. You know him from the world of rudeness. You know him as a one-time guest host of The Sound of Young America back in our college days. You know him as the co-host of the smash hit podcast Gene's Jobs with two other favorites of this program, Brian back in Business Lane and big big time Gene O'Neill. You know him as the co-host of the Engadget show for Engadget.net. We probably own that. Mr. Brian Heater. Hey, Brian.

I'm sorry. I feel like this is off to an auspicious start. Well, we'll see. We'll see. So this store sold only Brazilian products. And I know that in an Irish store, you buy, what do you get? You get like Irish tea. Soda bread.

Soda bread. At an English store, you get PG tips. At the Mexican store, you get those gross- A little package of crickets. You get La Rosa candies. They're gross. So gross. You get a lot of candies that involve Chile.

You know, get some chili in there. At the Brazilian store, they sold Brazilian flag swimsuits. Soccer greatness? I don't know. They had the swimsuits in the window. I guess they had those flip-flops that people like. Sure. Those Brazilian flip-flops that people like, those Brazilian flip-flops that people like.

But I don't know what else could have possibly been sustaining that store besides cocaine. Yeah, meat on a sword, maybe. Yeah, they just had a couple of meat swords in the back. Yeah. I mean, I guess maybe I could have answered this question for you if I listened to my gut and stopped at Brazil Day. You've been to Brazil. I have been to Brazil. Every day is Brazil Day in Brazil.

But most stores I saw in Brazil sold what you were describing. Right. And I thought, there's got to be some cocaine going down here. It was definitely the kind of store that was selling primarily to, you know, it was like an expat type store. You know, it was the, oh, you can't get the good Cadbury's chocolate bars type of store. Sure. But it was very sparse, this store. Okay.

Did you see who was, you know, did you take note over who was working behind the counter? And did you also take note of their butt? Because maybe it was a situation where people just wanted to come in and check out a Brazilian butt. And they charged some sort of cover fee to enter the store? Yeah, or maybe, you know, it was just kind of understood. Maybe it was like, you know, when you're, you know, okay, I'll buy these flip-flops. Uh-huh. And then you get to check out the butt.

You know what I bet? Hmm. I bet we have a lot. I bet this store is still open because whatever was sustaining it through the years that I lived in San Francisco is probably still sustaining it. I bet we have at least three listeners who live within a two-block radius of this store. Because this neighborhood has gone from the kind of neighborhood where you might open a Brazilian a Brazilian themed store to the kind of neighborhood where Jordan Jesse Go listeners live. And so I say- A flabella.

I do not, yes. I do not know what the, I do not know what the name of this store is, but it's on Valencia Street. I think it's, I'm going to say it's either between 24th and 25th or 23rd and 24th. It's on the north. It's on the further side of the street from Mission. And go there. Give us a call.

Let us know what they sell there. Some of that great San Franciscan cocaine. Some of that famous Robin Williams shit. Listen, I hate to bring this whole thing down. Well, I mean, you already did with the revelation that Robin Williams was on cocaine. That blew my mind. I will never be able to watch Mrs. Doubtfire in the same way again. Bicentennial, man?

Is that a better poll? It's difficult for me. Return of Jafar? What's that? It was an Aladdin sequel. Directed DVD sequel to Aladdin? He must have been in that, right? Maybe he wasn't.

That's a good one. Yeah, it's possible that they just had a second rate. Yeah. Anyway. Voice over King Billy West. The point of the story here, what I'm trying to get at is that while I hate to bring the program down and I hate to, frankly, it's difficult for me to admit when I'm wrong. I made a really serious mistake on the show a couple of weeks ago and I have a statement

that I've drafted that I'd like to read. I mean, is this as bad, like where is this in relation to my gaffe of a few months ago where I confused Elijah Dushku and Charisma Carpenter? Is this better or is this more severe? I think that this is going to be... You know the story of how Jay Leno got Hugh Grant on The Tonight Show after the prostitution incident. Sure, and that's what catapulted him above Letterman. So my only hope is that this can – if there's any silver lining to this cloud, it's that this moment is like that because I think this mistake –

This is just something that everybody has been just kind of waiting for you to address. Is this like the time that you accused the Brazilian store of selling cocaine? I presumed the Brazilian store to be. I didn't accuse. Anyway, I did write a statement. Oh, also, if someone goes to the store, please check out the butt of the person working there and describe it to us. Could it store some cocaine? Yeah.

Yeah. the butt of the person working there and describe it to us. Sorry. Could it store some cocaine? Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I talk to my publicist, my lawyer, my manager, my agent. Your spiritual advisor. My mother, my guru.

Spirit animal. My spirit animal. And I've, I've, I talked, I talked to Tommy Lasorda, the late Tommy Lasorda. Anyway. Looking really thinorda. Anyway. Looking really thin these days. Yeah. Almost skeletal. Because he's a skeleton.

He had a Genesis game. Anyway, go ahead. I just want to share this statement. And if you guys would just, this is very serious, so please take this seriously. Two weeks ago, I made a grave error on our program. While I'd like to say that it was an error grounded in foolish, youthful ignorance, the simple truth is that it doesn't matter. I made a statement that has disappointed everyone who cared most about me and about this program. I have damaged my reputation and that of our show. I owe a debt of apology to my co-host, to my producer, and to the MaximumFun.org community. to my producer, and to the MaximumFun.org community.

Two weeks ago, I made a slanderous and unfortunate claim about a genuine entertainment legend. Numerous caring listeners, innumerable caring listeners, in fact, have taken the opportunity to kindly and thoughtfully correct me in almost every venue available to them. And I must now publicly acknowledge my error. Contrary to what I asserted on this air, legendary first baseman Jim Tomei is not retired. Instead, he is on the disabled list for the Baltimore Orioles. I can offer nothing more or less than my absolute contrition. I hope my friends, family, and loyal audience will bear with me in this difficult time. And I hope that Mr. Tomei will accept my most sincere and deepest apologies.

That was really big of you. You take baseball very seriously. I know that about you, Jesse. I just, I had said that he was, that I was pretty sure he was retired. And I would have thought that that was true. I did think that was true at the time. And then I started getting tweets and emails from people who were frankly trying to protect Jim Tomei from me. And I shudder to think what would have happened if his family had heard that program,

if his manager had heard that program, if the commissioner of baseball had heard that program. Obviously, I'm a trusted source, particularly for generations X, and millennials and i value the trust that the audience has placed in me and of course the trust that jim tomei has placed in me legendary slugging first baseman for the cleveland indians philadelphia phillies and now the disabled list of the Baltimore Orioles. Boy, and to think that none of this would have come to light if it weren't for nitpicking. I know.

It's really like... You know, there are a lot of people... It's just really great, yeah. A lot of people tell me that the heroes in our society are nurses or scientists who discover disease cures of cancer. But the true heroes are the pedants who take the time to message us, at reply us, send us emails, Facebook posts, or all of those things. Don't forget the highly paid athletes as well. I mean, they're the true heroes. Sure.

Yeah. So. But I mean, that, you know, that heroism comes with a price. Sometimes you are torn down on a popular podcast. Or disabled. Perhaps the most popular podcast. Do you think it was just your, yeah, do you think it was just your kind of rampant, reckless remarks that disabled him? No, that doesn't make sense.

Was he on the emotional disabled list? Yeah. Did your remarks physically disable him? Did they somehow travel back in time and disable him? Yeah. I should mention that I also physically disabled him. Oh, okay. With like a wrench? I had my boyfriend wait after he was done at the ice rink and then take him out with a tire iron.

Took him out at the knees. So those two things, I guess. One, saying he was retired when he wasn't. And two, having my boyfriend, Jeff Galooly, and a friend wait for him after he was done at the ice rink and take him out with a tire iron. Well, guys, I know this. I mean, Jesse, I mean, obviously you gave some bad information and I think you have a lot to think about. But there is one thing I know to be true. And, you know, I say this knowing that we have a, you know, a loyal and enthusiastic group of nitpickers out there.

Frank Darabont wrote the second Nightmare on Elm Street movie. So hopefully everybody – no one finds anything wrong with that. At the end of the day, Jordan, what's important is that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. Oh, yeah. Born and raised in Africa. Yeah Barack Obama is a Muslim. Oh, yeah. Born and raised in Africa. Sure, yeah. I mean, that's a given. We'll be back in just a second.

I'm Jordan Jessico. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Yeah, I guess you're kind of – I guess you are kind of part of the world that also includes Brian back in business lane and Gene big time O'Neill. Did you ever get a proper nickname? I never got a nickname. Oh, huh. Do you know – I mean you've been on this show before. Yeah. What did you use last time? Oh, I was Big Dick Heater last time.

Oh, yeah. Brian Big Dick Heater. I like it. Stick with it. I like it. Sure. It's like an all-time favorite. I'm just saying it's been cold in the meantime.

I've done a lot of swimming, so maybe it's not as accurate as it was back then. Oh, just shriveled dick. Sure. Yeah, Brian shriveled dick heater. How about just Brian the dick heater? Oh, yeah. That's good. Yeah.

What about Big D? Who? There we go. Brian Big D heater. Going to start a ska core band, right, Jordan? Sorry. I mean, as long as the kids table is not involved, I think you're okay. Jesus Christ.

Is this what I signed up for? Is this what I signed up for? Just 90 minutes of Ska references? Oh, we talked about so much Ska on the LA freeway. Yeah, we got it all out of our system. As I mentioned, I picked Brian up from his hotel in Marina Del Rey. And I think we got it out of our system. Yeah.

A lot of our expanded stock. Brian and Jordan, when we were in college of our system yeah a lot of our expanded stock Brian and Jordan when we were in college hosted an all ska radio program I know that sounds like a beautiful dream what kind of world would such a something so wonderful exist in college radio the world of college

radio burned out like a Roman candle what's crazy to me what's crazy to me is it's really amazing that it would be hosted by two suburban white guys. Like that's what's so special. It's the special combination of third wave ska and suburban white guys. I think it's that unique Orange County perspective that Jordan brought to the program that really made it different? Well, I mean, you know, the Northern California, where you're from, Brian, the Northern California third wave ska scene was so different from the Southern California third wave ska scene.

And I think, you know, when we started co-hosting the show, I mean, you hosted the show first and then I came on later. I think when I started co-hosting, I mean, that, you know, it really got a robust perspective. I think it was a little myopic when you were hosting it. If I had, if I was to criticize the show, it was just a little bit, you know, you could tell you were looking at it from that Northern California third wave ska perspective. It was sort of a Sharks versus Jets type situation, as I remember it at the beginning. I mean, there was a lot of snapping, a lot of gang fights.

Well, I mean, I think the better musical equivalent would be, you know, 1977. You know, you had what was going on in London and then you had what was going on in New York at CBGB's. Okay, but also your disco in this scenario, I think, right? Yeah, well, let's not unpack this metaphor anymore.

I think largely, though, I think... Jordan, there's no joking when it comes to ska. You're right. I think you were actually considered to be at the front of the fourth wave ska was started when you took over the program, right? Well, let's not split hairs. Brian, what are we looking at? A Contra Costa County for you? East Bay.

Alameda County? Alameda County. Where's Contra Costa County? Isn't that in the East Bay? Yeah, but specifically the Alameda County? Alameda County. Where's Contra Costa County? Isn't that in the East Bay? Yeah, but specifically the Alameda County, the Fremont. I was going through the counties. You're in the ballpark. Second county guess is pretty

solid. Yeah, no, that's pretty good. That's not bad. Fremont, you got a BART station, that's nice. End of the line. Take your BART out to Concord if you want to, all the way out to Concord. Take it to Oakland 12th Street. Is this what I signed up for?

Is this what I signed up for? Just some fucking reminiscing about mass transit stops? Jesus, do you want me to leave you two guys alone? You can talk about Petaluma. Remember, they don't have BART in Petaluma. Jesus, guys. There's no BART in the northern Bay Area in Petal. Jesus, guys. There's no Bart in the northern Bay Area? Come on.

Sorry, guys. While I'm on it, I know Fred Darabont wrote the third Nightmare on Elm Street movie. What are we going to do? I know. We're going to take the Bart to, I don't know, Marin City? It's impossible. Jordan, Jesse. Yeah.

I just want to talk about the time that I took the bar train out to the ska show. Yay! Something we're both interested in. Oh, man, that's why they call you the Great Unifier. No, I mean Big Dick. I mean, I said Great Unifier, but I

meant Big Dick. Guys, can I present to you a little bit of a conundrum that I faced the other day? And maybe you can kind of help me suss it out. I'm all about conundra. So something kind of baffling happened to me the other day and I'm still processing it. So I was doing a load of wash in my building. And my building is kind of like it's like eight units and

there's kind of four on each side and they form kind of a channel if you will it's kind of a channel and there's one what's great about living in your apartment is that you can see London and Paris sure I mean it's terrific and you can drive as fast as you want

that's the Audubon and there's like this shed out back where the laundry machine is. And I would call the makeup of my building now largely like clubby gay guys. Like there's a few clubby gay guys. There's like a young couple. There's like a young couple. I think he just got out of the army and she's doing her master's or something. And then there's a Hispanic metal guy who looks like he might be in Maná or a Maná tribute band.

But more metal than Maná, right? Does he have shoulder – does he have middle and back hair? He has a long ponytail. Oh, then he could be in Maná. But? Like, does he have like shoulder, does he have like middle and back hair? He has like a long ponytail. Oh, then he could be in Maná. But like leather jacket. Okay. So somewhere between metal and Maná.

I know Maná is not a metal band. Because there are some pretty serious Latino metal dudes in Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah. There's a phenomenon that I was completely unfamiliar with in the Bay Area. Sure. But yeah, there's some serious Slayer t-shirt wearing.

He's not quite that. He's like a little more. So he's like a Maná type guy. Like a Maná type guy. He's a rockin' Espanol type. Yeah, sure. The regular Johnny Maná. So, but then the kind of.

Jorge Maná. Yeah. But then kind of on the end, there's this middle-aged guy who just. Can I interject one thing? I know that Juan is the equivalent to John in Spanish. Please hold your emails. Yeah. But – so there's a guy on the end who's this middle-aged guy who just – I don't know what his deal is.

He seems like kind of – You don't know whether he's a Mexican metalhead or whether he's gay. He's probably one of the two. He's either a gay – yeah. In my perspective, there are two kinds of people, gay club kids and Mexican metal guys. So, you know, and I feel like he has three giant cocker spaniels and they're giant four cocker spaniels. They're not – they're big, tiny dogs. And occasionally they'll start barking at something and I'll hear him go, shut up. You're driving me crazy.

Like he'll scream like he's going to swear but then he doesn't. But I don't – I feel like I'll see in sometimes and maybe there's a little kind of a low-level hoarding going on. There's definitely piles in his house. Anyway, I don't know what this guy's deal is. And he's unfriendly and unresponsive when I see him like walking the dogs. I'll try and wave or something. You've tried to make friends with this guy. Yeah, I've tried to friendly wave him.

He's in the complex. Sure. You're sort of the social coordinator. You're the cruise director. Yeah, exactly. I organize limbo. You get the gay club kids, their amyl nitrate poppers. Sure, exactly.

And then I blow them. Yeah. Because I'm a good neighbor. Sure. Like a good neighbor, Jordan will suck your dick. Yeah, yeah. All these work. Neighbor Jordan will suck your dick.

Yeah, yeah. All these work. So anyways, and I would call his style of dress Marshall's or Goodwill. You know, he just threw on some stuff that he found cheap. How old is this guy? This guy is maybe late 50s. Late 50s, okay. A lot of like bum equipment sort of shirts. No, just like a polo that he got at Target and then some slacks.

But maybe irregularly fitting. Yes, definitely. Everything is irregularly fitting. Nothing – he just bought it because it cost two bucks or something or he found it. Newspaper hat. Newspaper hat. Yeah, he's like almost newspaper hat crazy seeming. Anyway, so I have not talked to this guy and he has not responded to my waves.

He's dedicated his life to enlarging Cocker Spaniel. Right. Making them a little larger than you usually think a Cocker Spaniel is. And these are pretty small apartments. So him having three dogs is like inhumane. Yeah. Borderline inhumane I think. So anyway, so I was doing a load of wash out in the wash shack and –

Tin roof rusted. And so it was a situation where the wash was full but the dryer was empty and I needed to put my wash in. So I moved the wash wash to the dryer. This was not my wash. the wash wash to the dryer this was not my wash uh and it was like i would describe it as um like grandma stuff like nightgowns and like bonnets yeah yes literally a bonnet there was literally a bonnet it was nightgowns and it was all this like frumpy grandma stuff and i was kind of like who would this be like who would this be for? Which gay club kid is wearing a bonnet?

Yeah, right. It was really strange. Does Martin Lawrence live in my building? Right, yeah. Are they filming another Big Mama's house? They weren't quite big enough for Big Mama though I would say. Unless Big Mama slimmed down a little bit. What about Mama for Mama's Family? Maybe. Could be.

But no, and that's exactly the style of it it is exactly the mama from mama's family style you know house coat um anyway so i moved these and when i came back to move my wash uh that weirdo guy is there he is not wearing a shirt. Uh-huh. He is shirtless and he's getting his – Describe his body. Distended belly. Looks kind of normal but has a huge belly. So – and I see him and he's taking all this grandma stuff out of the dryer. And I said, oh, god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I moved your watch. I hope that's okay. And he's like, oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I moved your watch.

I hope that's okay. And he's like, oh, that's fine. I understand. I'm a fellow wash doer. Sure. So this guy just demonstrated conclusively that he's the greatest person of all time. Yeah. Okay.

So my first thought of why does this guy have grandma stuff. No, my first thought is why don't you have any empathy for a fellow wash doer? We're all in this together, buddy. We're all just trying to wash our dirties and come out with some cleans. My first thought is the reason why he's spending $2 on clothes

is not because he's throwing them out every time he's done with them. I guess my first assumption was, is this a psycho situation? Is there a mummified mom in this house that he's dressing? And why is he washing her clothes if she's a mummy? Well, maybe she got some food on it. I'm sure he tries to, like, feed her.

I can see him with a little thing of, like, mush trying to feed her. Wait, wait, wait. How big are these pieces of clothing? Would you say they would fit an overly large cocker spaniel? Oh, maybe he's dressing the dogs up. Maybe dressing them up like his mom. I didn't even think that. Maybe that's why they're driving him crazy!

Mother! Yeah. I could be a weird shut-in if I want! Don't make me go to law school! Yeah, I don't know. I get dressing up the dogs, dressing up a mummy of his mom. I think it's Mama's Family cosplay. Oh, maybe it is.

Have you ever spotted him at Comic-Con or something like that? I mean, I have seen a few mamas, big mamas at Comic-Cons, but I didn't notice if they were my white neighbor. Have you been – did you go to Mom's Play 2012? I think it was at the L.A. I missed it this year. I'm banned because of an incident. You dress like Dad. I dress like Daddy. When you're supposed to dress like Mommy.

Did you? Did you notice what kind of soil the clothing had? Were they stiff with soil? I did not notice. I wish I had noticed more about these grandma clothes. They didn't strike me as odd until I saw him unloading them. Were they silky? No.

These were not nice. I mean, I think it goes with the rest of his clothes. These were clearly like goodwill accusations or something. You know when he does his clothes now, though. Acquisitions. That's a weird. That was a weird malapropism. Anyway. That was a really good use weird malapropism. Anyway.

That was a really good use of malapropism. Thank you. So yeah. So I guess – so okay. Big Mama cosplay. You're a regular Shakespearean mechanical. Right. But yeah, I guess is there a kind of drag queen that just dresses like a grandma?

I would say an unattractive one. Yeah. I mean, I guess you think of drag queens and there's definitely like a lot of drag bars around my apartment. Is this guy just the world's frumpiest drag queen? There are definitely frumpy drag queens. There is no doubt about that. As a native of San Francisco, I can tell you that there are some profoundly frumpy drag queens. Okay, great.

Because some drag queens are good at it and some drag queens are not yet good at it. But the frumpy ones, are they being self-consciously frumpy? Oh, I don't know. Like, is this this guy's drag queen character? Like, I mean, you know, I think there's different styles of drag queen. You know, there's maybe like a ghetto fabulous drag queen and there's like a Vegas showgirl. So you're thinking that this guy is bringing the frumpy realness. Right. Exactly. Frumping, I think, is. Right. There's an erotic dance. It's called frumping. So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's just like

it's a fetish thing. You know, he just wants to be grandma. He wants to watch an episode of Prices, right? He wants to maybe have a Clamato. So he's doing this all at home. There's not like a stage that he performs at. I don't know. I guess maybe I could stake out his place and see if he leaves in the house coat and goes to some sort of. I mean, there's no chance that he's living there with his mother. Boy, if he is, I haven't seen her. OK. Yeah. Is his mother. Is, if he is, I haven't seen her. Is his mother – is it possible his mother is a stack of newspapers?

Could be. I mean I think – Can a stack of newspapers copulate with a man? I mean I have fucked stacks of things. Right. Not – I've fucked a stack of National Geographic. Yeah. And some interview magazines of course. Sure.

Those are – feel great on your dick. Do you get comics on them like Silly Putty? Yeah. You get like the Family Circus on there? Yeah. So yeah, no, I think maybe what I'm going with is he's dressing up something. Right. Yeah, I guess.

A pumpkin. A pumpkin, yeah. It could be. Here's the thing. I'm really into mummies lately. I'll tell you why. Sure. I mean sexually, of course.

Sure. Because you remember a couple weeks ago when I talked about Paris is Burning on the show? Mm-hmm. So one of our listeners posted, I think posted on the forum or maybe emailed me this magazine article about one of the, I guess, can you say stars about a documentary? One of the featured subjects of Paris is Burning. If you don't know or you weren't listening a few weeks ago, Paris is Burning is this totally amazing, fantastic documentary about the ball scene in New York in the late 1980s, in the very beginning of the 1990s. I think it's shot like 87, 88, 89, something like that. And so it's men who dress like women, but also sort of variations on that theme.

And they would all get together. They were mostly, it seemed like they were mostly transsexual um or transgendered and um they would get together after work at like three o'clock in the morning and like rented vfw halls and do these balls totally amazing movie gowns and are there any any frumpies so that's the thing like they're they did they showed only so many different types of thing but they have subcategories subcategories subcategories you know first time in a ball of things, but they have subcategories, subcategories, subcategories, you know, first time in a ball. But they also have they have, you know, like they have sort of that classic what you imagine that kind of showgirl type thing. Then they also have, you know, most most passing, you know, like most likely to pass as a woman in the real world.

You know, like most likely to pass as a woman in the real world. You have but they also have like businessman or member of the military police officer. So it's about it's about sort of it's about identity play in a variety of different areas. Not just not just male female, although male female is central to it. When you say businessman, do you mean that that's probably what they do in their off time or that's actually what they're dressing? No, they dress as a businessman. So it is these outrageous feminine gay men doing a performance as, you know, an executive circa 1987. So it's, you know, runway, sashay, sashay, sashay,

but briefcase, power tie. A Gordon Gekko. Yeah, Gordon Gekko, exactly. Like that is exactly what they're going for, this sort of hyper real aesthetic, right? So anyway, number one, grandma realness would fit into this perfectly yeah i want to make that perfectly clear like that i have no doubt that there could be a ball with uh with grandma realness is one of the

categories so that's number one but number two is so this link that this listener sent me and or posted on the forum i don't remember was this article from new york Magazine from 10 or 15 years ago. And it was about one of the featured performers in this movie. When she died, she was sort of like a den mother to a large group of people who were into this scene. And when she died, all of her friends, she was a seamstress. So she made outfits for everybody in this scene. And when she died, all of her friends, she was a seamstress. So she made outfits for everybody in this scene. So they all went to her apartment to sort of divvy up what was in her closet, basically, and sort of have a wake. And they're going through her closet, and there's this bag that's too heavy for the person who's going through the closet to lift.

And so she says, hey, can you give me a hand? And they're like, this is really heavy. And so they have to cut it open. And inside is a mummified body. No. And it is mummified in stuff that you would use to make drag queen outfits. Okay. Including pleather. It is significantly mummified in Naugahyde.

Yeah. So the papyrus strips that the ancient Egyptians would have used, this is like spandex and- Yes, exactly. And it had been there, evidence suggested that it had been there since the 70s. Who was the body? Did they ever- This was like the mid 90s. Okay.

So they didn't know who the 70s. Who was the body? This was like the mid-90s. Okay. So they didn't know who the body was. So they think they had been there since the 70s because inside the mummification were some beer can

pull tabs from before beer cans had pop tops. What do you mean by inside the mummification? I mean like in the guy's pocket or something like that.

And so the article was about trying to figure out who this guy was. They think it was a sort of client slash boyfriend of the lady who lived there, right? But now I just think everyone probably has a mummy. Yeah. You know, just in their closet for 40 years. Thank God. I mean, maybe there's a way I can run into this guy again in the wash shack. Because we had a nice back and forth where he said.

You know when he does his wash. Yeah. Oh, I didn't make note of what time of day it was. You know what the password probably is? Mums the word. Oh, yeah. Jordan. Mummy.

Mommy. Mummy. Mommy. Mummy. Okay. Mummy. I like this. What about this? I mean, maybe there's even a more surreptitious way we can get to it. What's your favorite Brendan Fraser movie? That's good. I mean, if he says

Encino Man, I don't really know what to think right and blast from the past is a borderline good answer to that too right oh yeah plus what if he loves journey to the center of the earth 3d i mean that's got 3d technology so i mean none of the mummy movies have 3d technology it's true so ultimately they're inferior to yeah journey to the center of the earth. I was watching a little bit of Encino Man on Comedy Central this morning. We should explain that this has all been a setup to get to you. Describing the plot of Encino Man. We should explain. It's about these two guys who find.

So, yeah, it's Pauly Shore and a chubby guy who. Oh, did we – It's Sean Austin. Oh, is it? Yeah. I was thinking. I wonder what happened to this guy from Encino Man. He never worked again but he did.

He's in The Hobbit, right? I think he is. Del, use your emails. So yeah, I was watching it and I thought it was really funny. So what brings on them finding this caveman, played by Brendan Fraser, is an L.A. earthquake. I think this is back when, like, jokes about how many earthquakes L.A. has were, like, you know, super edgy. Back when they used to have earthquakes in Los Angeles. Right.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Unlike the one they had two nights ago. But I think this was a very popular joke back when Encino Man was made. Anyway, so there's an earthquake and they find this frozen caveman and the guy's initial reaction to it right off the bat isn't like the missing link or this is amazing, but he's like, oh my

God, I found a caveman. This is gonna mean money, fame, popularity. Like he just says that fucking immediately. Like I'm gonna thaw out a friend? I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to thaw out a friend? I don't know. Yeah, like, people will want to hang out with me because I found a caveman. That is such a weird jump to make. No, that is.

It's like having the right Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Right, yeah. It's like just exactly what teenagers love. Like, man, we thought you were lame, but now that you found this caveman, now that you- I've never found a caveman. All I am is captain of the football team. Yeah. Now that you proved evolution is real, you can hang out with us at our kegger.

Yeah. Yeah, very weird. He just lays out the plot of the movie as it's going to- He's like, this is what's going to happen. Yeah. It's great. Down at the Christian Teen Center, we're celebrating Caveman Day since you proved God doesn't exist. Yeah.

All our girls are easy now. Sure. I think this guy. Yeah. I think this guy has a mummy that he dresses in grandma clothes and enters into mummy contests. Okay. Frumpiest mummy. Frumpiest mummyests. Okay. Frumpiest mummy. Frumpiest mummy contest.

Okay. I think he's pitching a show to TLC, The Frumpiest Mummy. Uh-huh. And I think he's got a pretty good shot. Does the mummy compete against other mummies or is it against other monsters? Do you think he would compete against a frumpy wolfman?

Yeah. Or a frumpy creature from the Black Lagoon? Hey, as long as their handlers— You just named all the monsters. Those are all the monsters. That's most of the monsters. As long as their handlers are— I didn't name George W. Bush, okay?

As long as their handlers are unrepentant rednecks, I think it's a surefire hit. Yeah, right. Perfect for TLC, the learning channel. Sure. Mummy Boo Boo. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Brian indeterminately sized dick heater. But he's got one, ladies. Only one way to find out. Is it giant? Is it shriveled?

I've had a couple great things happen to me. Oh, that's great. My son, Simon, has been into building towers of blocks lately. Great. Adorable. I'm really impressed. That's classic child right there.

I know. Are they alphabet blocks? Yes, they are. Great. And he can get this thing. You only buy him those classic child toys. He's got a wooden soldier and a choo-choo, alphabet blocks, and a pulled duck. Iron lung. Yeah, and I bought them all directly. Iron lung. Yeah, kids love blocks. Yeah. And a pulled duck. Iron lung. Yeah.

And I bought them all directly. And iron lung. Yeah. Kids love to play those. Just like grandpas. I want to dress up like a vegetable, like grandpa. We administered voluntary polio. Oh, that's cute.

Kids love braces. Mm-hmm. So he's into making piles of blocks lately. And the other day, he can get up to like two feet, two, three feet. Pretty good. Pretty huge piles. Bigger than I can do. Yeah.

And I went in the other day, and he had gotten this pile. And he was, just as I entered, he was putting on the top a shoe. Hey, all right. Shoe towers. He's thinking outside the box. He knows what's funny. The shoe box. He knows what's funny. The shoe box. He knows what funny is.

He knows where funny comes from. You set people up, and then you knock down their expectations. I mean, it's even kind of a classic comedy formula. Block, block, block, shoe. Mm-hmm. I mean, the Marx Brothers. I mean, come on, guys. Exactly.

The old blocky shoey. Yeah, the old blocking shoe. The other really great thing that happened to me the other day, I mean, you know, when you have a kid, like, your leisure life really transforms because you find yourself just trying to think of anything to do that can involve a child. Like kicking down blocks. That you won't hate. Yeah, like blocks, to me, like, the fact that he's gotten into blocks is a godsend because I think blocks are kind of fun. Yeah. I'll play with blocks.

Sure. I mean, stack them. Would you disown him if he became like a construction worker, for example? Oh, no. That'd be great. He can become a construction worker. That's well-paid work. My cousin is a construction worker.

It's very difficult, but it pays quite well. So there you have it. If you've got some skills, you've got to develop skills. You've got to just develop some specialized skills or start managing other people. You've got to have some entrepreneurial drive. But make a good living, build a beautiful thing, very honorable work. Do you like that explanation? I agree.

Yes, construction work is vital. Do you like that explanation? I agree. Yes. Construction work is vital. So you look for opportunities to do anything with a kid that you don't want to shoot yourself in the face after you've done. And he's too young to take him to the movies. He's too young for most sort of classic kid activities.

Like stickball or mumble-dee-peg. Yeah, exactly. Too young. When do you start a kid on mumbledy peg? I don't even know what that is. It's a street urchin game, right? We went to – oh, and the other thing is we also have to be really careful about how far we drive with him in the car because if he falls asleep in the car and it's not his nap time, it fucks up his nap schedule. And then if he falls asleep and it is his nap time, we have to drive around in the car for an hour to 90 minutes so he gets his nap time. It fucks up his nap schedule. And then if he falls asleep and it is his nap time,

we have to drive around in the car for an hour to 90 minutes so he gets his whole nap. Oh, wow. You can just leave him in the car as long as you crack a window. I've heard that. I've heard that. Yeah. I guess I've heard that too. Oh, that's about pets.

Parenting magazine. Yeah. Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz said that, I think. We did have a great success, which was we drove to Long Beach, California. And in Long Beach, California, they have probably the greatest place in the world. Birthplace of Bradley Noel. 3D porno theater.

We're both grasping at straws here, Jesse. theater. We're both grass and straws here, Jesse. It's either the birthplace of Bradley Noel, lead singer of Sublime, or a 3D porno theater. It's a dog beach. This is a beach for

that is allowed. Dogs are not just allowed to be on this beach, Jordan. Dogs are encouraged to be on this beach. But they want dogs there, off leash, wrassling, barking, swimming, chasing a ball into the ocean. Hey, that's great. It's a real dog beach, Dub All-Stars situation. That's good.

What's the poop maintenance situation? Great. Yeah? People are taking care of the beach. Good. And you know what? Do you bring your own? Is there like kiosks?

Do you bring your own poop? Yes. Do you? Yeah. There's numerous trash cans. Great. You're expected to bring your own bags. Okay.

But I'll tell you. There's not a bag dispenser. Poop was not an issue. Great. It was a non-issue. I went there on Labor Day. It was choked with people and their dogs. And I did not see a single stray poop.

I mean, you're in nature's litter box. That's true. Yeah. You just bury it. They can just bury it. Oh, I guess so. Here's another thing. Here's another thing I like about Dog Beach.

Yeah, they go out of their shells and they move into a giant piece of dog crap. Dog Beach is great because, A, I can bring both my dogs. They just run around and go ape shit. Sure. You know, play with other dogs, whatever. My dogs don't really play with the other dogs. Yeah. They just silently judge.

Once in a while we have to drop them off at dog daycare. Look at his collar. At the end of dog daycare, they give you a report on what they did. And I hear other people's reports, and they're always like, he played with Boxer and Spot and Bartholomew. And he had a great blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And whenever we pick up Coco and Sissy, my dogs, it's always, well, Coco and Sissy mostly stuck to themselves but got a lot of attention from the supervisors. It's like a mean girl situation. What's the point of dog daycare?

Dog daycare is like so that you can get your dogs out of the house and they don't – and they're still being supervised and taken care of and they get to play with other dogs. Okay. But you don't go to – you drop them off at it. Yeah, you drop them off there. Yeah, but we – I mean, we don't use it. There are some – I think a lot of people who are, like, successful, busy professionals drop their dog off there on the way to work and then pick it up on the way home so that it's not at home by itself being manic and worried.

Sure, ruining. Not getting to go to the bathroom, not getting a walk, whatever. We usually use it on the weekends when- To pick up chicks. Our neighbors have a gardening crew that comes over for a couple hours on the weekends. It terrifies the dogs. So we'll take our dogs to the doggy daycare sometimes if we can't take them to the dog park or something. the doggy daycare sometimes if we can't take them to the dog park or something.

So anyway, Dog Beach is wonderful because there's all – A, there's all these fucking dogs, every fucking kind of dog on earth, man. I saw the biggest scruffy dog you've ever seen in your life, Jordan. I can't even begin to tell you. Well, he sounds great. Yeah. This dog was scruffy, big. I mean it was great. was scruffy big i mean it was great um and the other thing is i guess i didn't because my ideas about going to the beach are based in san francisco

where the beach is the coldest part of town and it's a relatively cold town um my image of a dog beach is like a middle-aged couple holding hands and they're both wearing, you know, they're sort of dressed like you imagine. Linen pajamas? Yeah. They're both wearing identical sets of linen pajamas? No, they're wearing like those kind of like Columbia fleece vests and, you know, those pants that zip into shorts and maybe sport sandals. Okay. You know what I'm talking about?

But this is Southern California, so not only are there dogs, there's totally beach babes in bikinis. Oh, sweet, dude. It was amazing. So this wasn't a topless dog beach. No. The dogs all had on T-shirts. Big dog T-shirts. It was fully nude for the dogs.

It was a full nude for dogs, but clothing required for people. It's basically the best thing that ever happened to me, Jordan. Sure. It's a little, yeah, check out a cute dog. Check out a sexy babe. That's where I'm at in my life, though. I'll drive 40 minutes for that. Maybe bring a magazine that has a picture of a sandwich in it so you can look at that too and just have everything, have all the fires stoked.

My salivary glands are working overtime right now just thinking about that hoagie. Dog, boob, sandwich. Dog, boob, sandwich. Dog, boob, sandwich. Stop saying dog boob, Jordan. Check out some dog boobs. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Great sponsors this week, as always, ask.metafilter.com. You want to know where your local dog beach is. You want to know where your local dog beach is. You want to know where your local drag bar is. Yep. Asks.Metafilter.com. Smart answers to questions.

Dummies don't get to answer them, so it's only sharp tacks answering your internet questions. Yeah, they're pet ants that they're on your side. Right. They're the type of people that really want to get stuff right. Sure. Ask.Metafilter.com. Thank you for your consummate side. Right. They're the type of people that really want to get stuff right. Sure. Ask.Metafilter.com. Thank you for your consummate support.

Yes. And you know what? You can ask a question there. You can also just search the database. I like to search the database. If I'm trying to make a travel decision or something like that, I go to Ask.Metafilter to search through the database. Also, sponsors this week on Jordan, Jesse, Go are friends at VGKids. Hey.

VGKids.com. VGKids.com. They are a full-service printing outfit. So anything you need printed from tote bags to T-shirts, posters, packaging, custom clothes, stickers, full-color digital printing. I mean, they'll do, you know, what's that called? Like a banner on your wall. Yeah. They'll do a postcard for you. I need some printing coming up.

Maybe I'll use VG Kids. Well, VG Kids are longtime friends of MaximumFun.org. They print all our t-shirts. They do a great job. It's a nice punk rock couple that runs the organization. Oh, terrific. Very nice. It's one of the best kinds of couples.

Very nice Midwestern punk rockers. Right. I think you should go to vgkids.com. And guess what? Is it Bob Mould? It is. It's Bob Mould. It's basically Bob.

It's like a heterosexual Bob Mould type situation. By the way, I saw Bob Mould on Letterman the other day. He's got a new record out. Just rocking out. It makes me so happy to see that friendly, friendly gay dad type guy just rocking his fucking ass off. With John Worcester on drums. There you go. Oh, I didn't know that.

Check it out. Yeah, Bob Mould has really, really aged gracefully. Sometimes those dudes don't. I think me and Brian saw a sad old Dead Kennedys in college. Yeah. That was no good. I mean, he could have been up there in a bonnet wearing some kind of a summer dress. Yeah.

You never know. Yeah. Although that would be pretty cool. You get 10% off. Mention our show. All you have to do is mention our show to the customer service people. Put in your comments box if you order online. Like, whatever.

Mention you heard about it on Jordan Jesse Go. They all know about Jordan Jesse Go there. It's a small house. They just say you heard about it on Jordan, Jesse, go. They all know about Jordan, Jesse, go there. It's a small house. They just say you heard about it on Jordan, Jesse, go. They'll give you 10% off your whole order. Sounds like a good bargain. Yeah. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's cheap. It's easy. Anything. We've had relatively few birthday announcements lately. Yeah. I'm ready for those to come back. Me too. I love them.

You know what I mean? Congratulations on your- I love wishing people a happy birthday. I know. It's fun, right? It back. Me too. I love them. Congratulations on your... I love wishing people a happy birthday. It's like my favorite. It's fun. And we'll plug your podcast. Don't take that away from us. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any of our

Maximumfun.org shows, email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at Maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brian, big dick heater.

Big D, great to have you on the show. Thanks for having me, Jesse. You know, if people can't get enough of Big D, I recommend they listen to Gene's Jobs. Yeah. Maybe watch the Engadget show. These are two great places for your daily recommended dose of Big D. You know who's running the Engadget show these days with our buddy Big D? I don't.

Ben Harrison. Yep. Director and producer of Put This On and official videographer of Max Funcon. That's probably a great show then. It's pretty good now. Yeah. It's pretty good. You can also watch it.

You don't have to go to Engadget.com. You can also watch it in every taxi cab in New York City. That's true. We're in Boston now. I don't know if I should be directing people away from our webpage to watch the show, though. No. Don't go to the website. Just get into a taxi.

Does the fact that you're on in taxis in New York, you live in New York. True. Do you get a lot of like, you're the guy from the taxi? I've been recognized, but only in the most embarrassing of situations. Just like in the nerdiest of scenarios. You had your dick in a glory hole. Well, just like overly nerdy – like a Maker Faire I'll be recognized at or a CES. You know, large gatherings of nerds I've been recognized.

Okay. You know, large gatherings of nerds have been recognized. We had a – I was in Berlin two weeks ago covering a show and we had a really sort of bizarre situation where my coworker and I were, you know, writing up this gadget and somebody came, said he recognized us. And, you know, we sort of looked at him and we're like, oh, you know, do you need anything else from us? And he's like, nope, just wanted to see how the pros work. He's an amateur gadget reviewer. And how were you working? Efficiently?

Looking at a phone or writing it up. Great. It's pretty much the way you think it goes. Yeah, I would think that, like, you would just be, like, at a bar or something and you would get, you know, like a drunk, you know, a drunk NYU girl. Oh, my God, you're the guy from the taxi. And then want a picture with you or something. That doesn't happen? I'll tell you, because when I was most recently in New York, shooting put this on.

We took a fair number of taxi cabs because we had this crew together, and sometimes we had to get from one place to another, and we just took a cab. You know, we had a production budget. I'm not a taxi cab guy, but we took a fair number of cabs. A couple cab rides a day to get from one location to another. I think I spent more time with you than I had since we were in the same improv group in college.

But I guess the question is if you saw like the talk stoop woman on the street, would you recognize her? That's a good point. Point taken. Point taken. Point taken. Hey, listen, you guys want to play Momentous Occasions? I do want to play that. It's a game where we listen to Momentous Occasions and then talk briefly

about them and then move on to the next. How do you win? How do you win this so-called game? When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you give us a call at 206- 984-4FUN. Brian Fernandez, why don't you roll out that first call? Hello, Mrs. Thorne and Morris.

This is Lita from Minnesota. Today, I finished my second week of my first big kid job, which is momentous enough in itself. However, in the two weeks I've worked at the IES Center in downtown Minneapolis, I've observed something that only Jesse may be able to explain, if not explain, then at least share my horror. In these two weeks, I've observed no less than seven businessmen who do not appear to be slobs wearing black suits and brown loafers. Very brown. Also, yesterday I had a crazy cat lady yell at me,

just like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, as I walked past. But I think that was unrelated to the loafers. Thanks, guys. Keep it up. I can explain the loafers. That sounded written down. She definitely sounded like she was reciting that. That was charming, I thought. Guys, drag queens, right? Oh, maybe they are drag queens. Men definitely sounded like she was reciting that. That was charming, I thought. Guys, drag queens, right? Oh, maybe they are drag queens.

Men dressing up like businessmen. Maybe that's the signal to other gay business drag queens. These guys, honestly, the business realness is much realer than that. Their game is tight. Businessman realness, executive realness is actually what it's called. They don't fuck around. Drag queen cat ladies, though, I feel like could be a thing. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that could go along with the frumpy grandma drag queen, I think. I think that having a bunch of cats with you at the drag show could kind of heighten that a little bit. Were there cats in the washing machine when you opened it up, Jordan? No, I did not move any cat or cat corpses from the wash to the dryer. I'll tell you, I can explain this whole loafer situation she needs. First of all, these people

should not be wearing black suits during the day because I'm guessing that they're not members of the clergy or undertakers. However, I can explain why someone would pair brown loafers with a black suit. My explanation is you're in downtown Minneapolis. That's it.

I've been to downtown Minneapolis on multiple occasions. Somebody's dad. Just dadding around. Yep. Going to work. There's a lot of baseball statues down there in downtown Minneapolis. Yeah, a lot of overhead walkways. Keep people out of the cold.

There is a... Prince. There's a Saks off Fifth, but no Saks. So, yeah. That's like the Taco Bell Express of clothing stores, right? Minneapolis, a great town. The men of Minneapolis probably not known for their color coordination prowess. Again, save for Prince.

Save Prince. Yeah. Prince is well known for perhaps over- For various shades of purple. Yeah. I think- Coordinating a light purple and a dark purple. I would characterize him renting Cedric Sabalos' house and then painting it purple and dyeing the water in the fountain purple as perhaps, oh, and replacing all of the flooring with wall-to-wall purple carpeting as perhaps over color coordination.

Especially since he didn't ask permission to do any of those things. It's a little matchy-matchy is what you're saying. Yeah, it's match-matchy. I get it. Next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go. This is Dylan and Carrie from Boston. We just got married. And I don't know if you can hear that, but we are on a plane and we are Boston. We just got married.

And I don't know if you can hear that, but we are on a plane. And we are heading on our honeymoon right now. And I'm going to watch the first episode of Lost. Thanks, guys. Wait. That had a real shitty denouement. Yeah. I'm going to watch one of the most famous plane crash scenes of all time.

I don't know. We're going to eat each other. On your honeymoon flight, shouldn't you be getting an H.J. under the blanket? Yeah. Maybe I – H.J. under the BK. Yeah. Does that qualify you?

That's under a Burger King. A British knight, Jordan. A British – oh, I'm sorry. Brian. Brian. But I guess you could be – You know what? Wear sneakers on his donger.

I bet you can get a hand job. Give him the old regulator. I guess I assume that you can't get a hand job while watching an episode of Lost. I guess you can. Yeah, probably. I mean, you miss a lot. He needs the cell technology. Is it flashlights while you do it?

Yeah, I'm sure. That's L.A. gear. That's an L. penis If somebody gets an H-Gender A blanket in an airplane Are they then a member of the Mile High Club I think that is specifically About the bathroom right Doesn't that specifically

I think it's full insertion honestly Yeah maybe no outer course Do you are you allowed to Let's say that you Engaged in full insertion but you did not insert to fruition. Yeah, I think so. So you're saying as long as a penis goes into a vagina. Yeah.

Or a butt. Or a butt if you're a homosexual. Yeah, a vagina or a vagina. Yeah. I would say even if you're a gay man that sucking a dick doesn't count. Yeah. I would say even if you're a gay man, that sucking a dick doesn't count. Yeah. And I would say that oral sex also doesn't count for girls who like girls. They would have to scissor.

Yeah, in an airplane bathroom, which would be a miracle of gymnastics. It would be spectacular. It would be on some Dominic Dawes type shit. Yeah. Those first class seats go all the way down now, actually. Yeah, that's true. But no, I mean, I guess maybe that's a good point. Maybe we are excluding lesbians from the Mile High Club because their thing has to be so.

That's unfair. Yeah, I don't, I mean. You know what, though? We're all about, you know, inclusion. Up until last year, lesbians actually weren't allowed in planes, though. So I feel like they've made a lot of leaps and bounds. That's true. And you know, I think.

They're making slow progress. Yes. Last year, lesbians actually weren't allowed in planes, though. So I feel like they've made a lot of leaps and bounds. And, you know, I think – They're making slow progress. Brian's point about lay flat beds is really good. I think that lesbians should focus their efforts on the 787 Dreamliner because that thing has these beds. I've seen pictures. It looks spectacular. Pull a curtain, scissor away. I got upgraded to one of those on a flight to Berlin.

You had to pay extra for the scissoring though. It's upcharges. They always get you with upcharges. Baggage handling, scissoring. This was the first time that I've ever flown. Thumb in the butt. This was the first time that I ever have flown first class. Have you guys done first or business class before?

I was upgraded to business once. I flew first class once when I was a kid. I flew by myself from San Francisco to Switzerland. And I was maybe 10. And if you're an unaccompanied minor and there are seats available, they used to. I don't know if they still do. They'll upgrade you automatically. That's why I always wear one of those lantern helmets when I get on a plane and say, where's my mommy?

I'm an accompanied miner. Oh, I get it. M-I-N-E-R. They almost – it's weird. They feed you too much. They just – there were about five meals on the way to Berlin. Oh, yeah. What did you get?. They just – there were about five meals on the way to Berlin. Oh, yeah. What did you get?

What are we talking here? Chicken. Chicken. Some kind of – there was a fruit for breakfast. I think there were at least three meals on the way to Berlin. No one buys first-class plane tickets, right? At this point, it's solely composed of people who have – Like using their miles.

Mile points. Yeah. Yeah. You see – I mean certainly every celebrity that I've seen on a plane and you see a lot from New York to Los Angeles. Have you seen how much it costs to buy a first class or business class plane ticket relative to a regular plane ticket? More than twice as much. So way more. I was just looking at flights for Max Fun Con East. And it was – now, granted, it was a particularly affordable time.

But I think that New York to L.A. flights around Max Fun Con East were like $125 or $150. They were really low. That's ridiculously cheap. I mean, a lot of times you'll get $200 or $250, but it was real cheap. And I'm like, shoot, at these prices, I might as well go up to business or first class for people. Yeah, lay down. $1,800. Like $2,100.

Like first class is just for people whose money philosophy is fuck it. Right? Yeah. But where do they find those people? That's Brazilian cocaine storefront money. Yeah. So, okay. Dear lesbians.

Okay. Do you think you've joined the Mile High Club and how have you done it? I'm willing to hear an explanation of like a lesbian Mile High Club. I'm willing to entertain an explanation that isn't insertion. The Mile High Club is the idea behind that, that this is somebody you've met on the plane or that you literally can't wait until you land. Yeah. I think it's like a stunt, I think.

You know, I think it's... And I think it is something you have to plane. It's one of the most sensual sexual experiences imaginable. Have you ever fucked with turbulence in the background? Yeah. I mean, no. It's like a natural magic finger span. Yeah. The actual experience is imaginable. Have you ever fucked with turbulence in the background? I mean, no. It's like a natural magic fingers pad. Yeah.

I want to hear. Yeah, I would like to hear about how if that has happened to anyone, I don't know. Because I want to include lesbians in the Mile High Club. I do too. I think it's unfair that they're excluded by circumstance. Right. I think children. I think animals. That one has to hang from the-

Yeah. Have any dogs joined the Mile High Club? Have you gotten out of your carrier and fucked another dog? If you're out there, Spaniels, St. Bernard's. Dachshunds. Those are all dogs? Yeah. Good work, Brian.

Good work, Brian. Good work, Brian. I think, I don't know. I mean, because the thing is, it has to be something that's complicated. Right. Right? You can't just be reaching your hand into somebody's pants. Yeah, that doesn't – right. It has to be an act.

Right. Sure. I mean – Because, yeah, I wouldn't include hand on genital stuff. It would have to be something more involved. What about cunnilingus? Yeah, totally. I think that works.

I think – and I'm willing – and I think I want to step back and include fellatio into the Mile High Club. I think that's maybe even harder than insertion in some ways. Right, because of the geometry. Just the position. How about this? It's something that you feasibly couldn't get away with at your seat. So you've actually got to relocate. Sure.

Yeah. I think that's fair. I have never been in – I'm not a member of the Mile High Club, but I do have a hard time peeing on airplanes because I'm too tall. It's tough. I always hit my head. You know, why does it slope backwards there? I don't know. There's got to be some kind of club for you.

I think you're going to say maybe the Diners Club. That's what the Diners Club is down to. Yeah. They were the first credit card. Now they're just a club for people who are always hitting their heads when they're peeing on airplanes. We have a couple more calls, right, Brian?

Okay, let's hear them. I think we can riff on this for a little while longer. This is Margaret, and I was calling with a momentous occasion. I just pulled the last thing out of my apartment, which is a vacuum cleaner, and I handed over the keys to the leasing office so that I can go back to school,

live in a dorm, and become an elementary school teacher. So more powerful than ever. Have a great day. You've got such a fuckfest ahead of you. Can you imagine if you moved back into the dorms with an adult fucker? Oh, I thought you meant the elementary school. I did too. Like, I don't know if I want to joke about that.

Don't live in a dorm with elementary school students. I mean, I want a yes and because, you know, I want to be a good comedy partner, but I don't know if I want to. I'm telling you, you could run the dorm. Oh, sure. You know how to be an adult. Yeah. You know how to be in the world. Because that's the only thing.

I guess, though. Basically, the only thing that's keeping people from fucking each other in the dorm. Right. Is that they're trying to figure out how to be in the world. Can we just describe Jesse's gesture for fucking? It was two crab claws. Is that not how fucking works? Nope.

Do you not have a crab claw down there? No, uh-uh. But here's – I guess here's the problem with that is who are her available fuck partners? It's like a weird 18-year-old. I mean maybe there's some like 22-year-olds or something. The other issue is that there's a threshold that you cross before you become the really creepy old person. I'm hoping that she's not a creepy old person. But I bet even like a –

I think she's a 25-year-old. She could fuck some 22-year-olds. She's a 24-year-old. She could fuck some 21-year-olds. 27-year-olds are like elderly when you're in college. Did you go to school with any like 27, 28-year-olds? They seem so old. Yeah, no, totally.

Yeah, no, I wonder. Yeah, I just – I think, I think does a, does a, does a, does an older woman, and by older I mean 25, 26, want to have sex with a guy who's in a dorm? I think they'll be so bad at it, right? Yeah, that's a good point. She can buy them liquor. Yeah. I mean,

she can fuck some TAs and stuff. She could rent a car for them. That's something they can't do on their own. Yeah. Maybe they'll pay her back with sex. That's a good idea. Yeah. I mean, I think you could just have a lot of weird sex, but I think it'll be bad. She should rent a 10-passenger van, fill it up with 20-year-olds.

Yeah. 20-year-olds and booze. She could be on the five-foot club. And head for the border. That's a disability van. A five-foot club. Yeah yeah i guess my plan is is profoundly flawed yeah i mean you know if you want to usher some young men into you know into adulthood i think that's nice of you but i don't think you'll get a lot from from it unless that

is like that's like an erotic fetish of yours. It's like showing an unexperienced young man the ropes. I like this idea that she's got to basically fuck her way to become an elementary school teacher. That's the one obstacle standing between her and this elementary school. Sure. Well, pussies are very powerful, Brian. Yeah. I think we learn that anytime we call someone a pussy and then a bunch of people email us. Oh, God. It doesn't really bother me that much when people email us. Oh, God.

It doesn't really bother me that much when people email us. I want to make that clear. Yeah. People are almost always really nice when they email us. Email us, you pussy. Oh, geez. Email Heater. Yeah.

Tell him about powerful pussy muscles. Engadget.net at cab. Kegel at engadget.com. Kegel. Yeah. It's Kegel. Brian's email address is ke, at cab.nyc. Kegel at ingadget.com. Kegel, yeah, it's Kegel. Brian's email address is kegel at cab.nyc. We got one more call here, I think. Let's hear it. Jordan, Jesse, esteemed guest, this is Jamie from New York,

calling in with a momentous occasion. I'm standing in the middle of a field in Stockbridge, Massachusetts, wonderfully tipsy as the sun is setting behind what I think are the Berkshire Mountains. And I just officiated my best friend's wedding. And I made it through without crying, but I made the groom cry through the entire thing. It is momentous, and my first drink has gone straight to my head and oh when i was officiating i worked the word momentous into it i said on this momentous day and my friend she took a look at the ceremony was like that word doesn't seem right i was like no that word is going in

so the 128 assembled guests also heard me declare in the middle of the ceremony that it was a momentous occasion. Thank you. I love the show. I'm going to go drink more. Bye-bye. Give this girl one Bacardi freezer. Here's what you got to do.

I mean, Jesse, you and I both have officiated weddings. Yeah. And I think the mistake that she's made, I mean, we say this time and time again. So many times we've said this. When you're officiating a wedding, take a break and eat something. Right. Because you don't want that first post-wedding drink

to go right to your head. Right. You make, frankly, an embarrassing call like that one. You know what I recommend? Cornish pasty. Sure.

Have a little pasty. It took a very different turn than I thought it was going to at the beginning. I thought she was going to say I'm in Brookfield, standing in a field in Brookfield, Massachusetts,

the only survivor of a plane crash. That's a momentous occasion. A nice newlywed couple died. It is. I think probably. Whoa, what? I think probably the best part of officiating a wedding is that you have the power to make people cry.

Like I, when I officiated, we've each officiated one wedding. When I officiated Guy and Mary Beth's wedding, I told some stories that they had told me about their life together, fucking destroyed. Just people were in tears just from a nice little, they don't have a particularly, they met on match.com or something. But just a few little... But the interface is really nice. Just a few little things about love.

The pump is so primed. It's like the crowd at a television taping after that comedy magician gets through. Sure, throwing out fun-sized Snickers. People are just good to go. They are D-T-F. D-T-C. D-T-C.. People are just good to go. They are DTF. DTC. DTC.

Down to cry. Down to cry. And then he described his body type to her. I would say for future calls, if you can't identify the mountains, it's best to leave them out. mountains, it's best to leave them out. So when this girl said, what I believe are the Berkshire Mountains, your suppositions and guesses as to what mountains

they may be are not wanted on this program. If you're going to officiate a wedding, figure out where you are geographically. Find the closest... If you need to flee into the hills, you want to know where you're fleeing to. Hey, what if shit goes down? You've got to identify your Swayze. Hey, what if shit goes down?

You got to identify your Swayze. Who's the high school football quarterback? I'm standing in what I believe to be a field. I believe I am standing at what I think is a wedding. Yes. I could be laying down in a fjord, but I think I am standing in a field. You know what? A lot of people are making a mistake, though.

I want to address this real quick. Sure. That is having a friend officiate their wedding. Why would you have a friend officiate a wedding when you could have one of your favorite podcasters officiate it? I know. Friend. Come on.

Friend. Friend. Is that person even really your friend? What does that word even mean? Friend. Friends. No. How many of us friend? What does that word even mean? Friend. Friends. No. How many of us have them?

Friends. I don't have any. Ones we can depend on. Friends. Basically the worst show in the history of TV. Why would you want to remind people of that? By bringing one of those jackasses up to the pulpit. 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call when you have a momentous occasion. We're done with the current momentous occasions. Brian Fernandez, give me a nod. We'll be back

in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brian, big dick heater. We had a lot of fun on this week's program. I am looking forward to seeing the people of Los Angeles at the Riot LA Festival and the people of San Francisco at the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. I know our Riot Festival show is September 22nd at 2 p.m. Do we know some –

We don't have a date. We don't have a specific date and time yet for comedy and burrito. But it is the weekend of October 11th through 13th. And you can get 10% off of your festival pass for – The $4 burrito is now $3.60. For using the code MAXFUN. Put in the code MAXFUN. You get 10% off your festival pass.

You can come see us. I just talked with Mal Sharp. He's going to be coming by. How terrific. I will see. I just emailed a certain punk rock legend who lives in San Francisco who may have been discussed on this program. We'll see if he's available. He may be on tour.

He's got a new album out. I wouldn't call myself a legend. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone at those two shows. The truth of the matter is- Oh, hey, here's actually a fun little fact about our Riot show that I didn't know. It's a tandem show with Throwing Shade. This is their first live show. Yeah, first live show ever for Throwing Shade.

It's going to be a lot of fun. I think so, too. We're going to have a lot of nerds, a lot of ladies, and a lot of gays. Great. Gay lady nerds? Three of my favorites. Our friend Mariel Reyes, she's in. She's a gay lady nerd.

Bring her in. Put her on the stage. Ask her to explain the lesbian mile high club. We can give Mariel a call and have her answer our lesbian questions. Oh, yeah. That'd be great. She'd have a lot of fun. She'd give our resident lesbian.

Lesbian questions and Dominican questions, if we have any Dominican-related questions. Sure. There's a lot of hats, it sounds like. She's the representative for all of the things. For everything you don't associate with. Yeah. How do you scissor in an airport bathroom? What are the rules of dominoes?

She's sort of like the black guy at Phillips Exeter. You know what I mean? She speaks on behalf of all of her demographic groups. Anyway, we'll talk to you there and then. Los Angeles and San Francisco. Don't fuck this up. Yeah. I would say, but if you live in California and you don't come to one of those shows,

like there's something seriously wrong with you. What if you're in a Eureka? Yeah. Go to whatever's closest. Whichever one of those is closest. San Francisco, I think, is a little closer. Sure. You've got a car if you live in Eureka.

What if you're in a San Luis Obispo? Do you go to both? Go to both. Yes. Absolutely. You definitely go to both. Let's just say you live at the Hearst Castle. Say you're William Randolph Hearst. Yeah. Enjoy the places we shot a video. I know you're a crazy shut-in. Absolutely. You're equidistant. Let's just say you live at the Hearst Castle. Say you're William Randolph Hearst.

Enjoy the places we shot a while ago. I know you're a crazy shut-in. Bring your animals. It's fine. Yeah. Bring them. We'll have a blast with them. Anyway, I'm excited that everyone in California is going to be coming to those shows.

Me too. Because, frankly, I won't tolerate anything less. We're giving you a ton of notice. Yeah. And if you live on the East Coast, come to MaxFunCon East. Tickets still available. We've got John Hodgman, Jonathan Ames. All the Johns.

Kurt Explodo Anderson, David Reese, Dick Cavett. What else are we looking at? We're looking at – Is David Reese going to be doing – will there be a pencil sharpening class? He'll be teaching people how to sharpen pencils. Dave Hill, last week's guest, will be there. I love Dave Hill. Two weeks ago.

Who doesn't? Two weeks ago? Two weeks ago. The reality is Max von Kahn East is going to change your life, and I don't know why you haven't already bought tickets. Yeah, it's dumb that you haven't. Just do it. You don't have to ask your husband. You don't have to ask your husband. You don't have to ask your wife.

No, don't even bring your husband. No, you've got your own credit card. Yeah. Don't tell them where you're going. Leave the family for a while. Think of all the things you can do on the plane on the way there. Think of how much they'll appreciate you when you get back. All the people you consider.

Say it was a fugue. Say you were in a fugue state. Why not go on sabbatical? Yeah, sure. Lie down in a fjord. Sabbatical. Oh. Things are...

You can follow Brian on Twitter, at BHeater. That's true. At BHeater. Brian's a great Twitterer. In fact, I was just having a conversation with our producer, Brian Fernandez, about how hilarious Brian Heater is on Twitter. Thanks. I'm on Twitter. At BHeater. Brian's a great Twitterer. In fact, I was just having a conversation with our producer, Brian Fernandez, about how hilarious Brian Heater is on Twitter. Thanks. I'm on Twitter. At BHeater. You can also check him out on Engadget.com, on the Daily

Crosshatch, the popular comic book blog. And you can also check out his hit podcast with our friends Gene O'Neill and Brian Lane, which is called Gene's Jobs. I have a boing-boing column. You've got a boing-boing column now. That's true. It's true. About comics, right? Comic books, yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of Jobs. I have a boing boing column. You've got a boing boing column now. That's true. It's true. About comics, right? Comic books, yeah.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. And if you listen to Gene's Jobs, you can probably hear the story of Gene's two weeks in a medical testing facility. And the fights he got into with people over video games. Not even real video games. Risk. Yeah. Risk. Not even real video games. Risk.

Yeah. Risk. Gene was angry because someone called themselves a gamer, but the only games they brought for their Xbox 360 were board games. Ah, ha, ha. That's good. Anyway, do all of those things. We'll see you on the forum at forum.maximumfun.org and on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. We're also on Tumblr.

Jordan Morris dot Tumblr dot com. Jesse Thorne dot Tumblr dot com. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Our theme song,

Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Brian Fernandez on the boards.