Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 241: Ides of October with Mike Pesca

Episode Date: September 19, 2012

NPR correspondent Mike Pesca stops by to join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jewish baseball, overwhelming heat, ironic bigotry, and buildings that used to be banks.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Bicycles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We're joined by the great Mike Peska. And we discover that most of our listeners live inside reality television programs. You'll find out. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Temperatures starting to cool off.

For those of you that were concerned about me, my health, and my discomfort. Whether or not you were wearing long pants again. I am. I'm wearing blue jeans. I'm feeling good. Sure. Have a heathered tee on. Feeling good about that. Overall, I feel like I'm ready to take on the world, Jordan. I mean, you look ready. I would characterize your

state of readiness as cat-like. Yes, absolutely. You're about to pounce. I'm pacing through tall grass. Sure, exactly. You know what I mean? I got the shoulder. You're very lithe. You're very lithe. Yeah, yeah. Very sinuous. Sure.

Sinuous, Jordan. It'suous. Sure. Sinuous, Jordan. It's back. Gymnast. Yeah, I'm real small, real Eastern European. Yeah, tiny feet. Real upset about my failures. Crying a lot. Hey, let's bring our guest into the mix, shall we?

Oh, wait. You've exercised away all your sex characteristics. Sorry, we can introduce the guest next. Well, speaking of exercising away all your sex characteristics. Sorry, we can introduce the guest now. Well, speaking of exercising away all your sex characteristics, our guest on this week's – The segue that's right in front of us. Our guest is an androgynous blob of humanity. Our guest on this week's program is the sports reporter for National Public Radio. He is the co-host of the Slate podcast, Hang Up and Listen, also about the game of sport. He is here in Los Angeles, guest hosting a nationally syndicated program for the KCRW television radio network. Mr. Mike Peska. Hi, Mike.

Hello. And Jordan, thank you for mentioning the word humanity in relation to me. Oh, no problem. Because when you wrote blob of, blob of, you've got a lot of direction. So what do you want with humanity? You really elevated it. No, I mean, you are. Your humanity shines through. You have elements of humanity.

Sure. I would have said that you had elements of Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity. That's because of all the erotic dancing. But I am not filleting myself at this moment. So that would contradict that. Nice Heather tea, by the way. Thank you i have a craig t nelson it's not really pesca's been saving that for the last four years that he hasn't been on i got this great heather tea material wait was pesca the first guest we ever had? I don't know. Mike was our field reporter when we were settling the issue of Shia LaBeouf or Boof Bonzer. Oh, okay.

Or wasn't there a third Boof involved? I believe Boof from that werewolf movie. The Teen Wolf. Oh. The girl. The girl was Boof, wasn't she? No, that was not involved. You may have tried to introduce that. Oh, that was, the Teen Wolf. Oh. The girl. The girl was Boof, wasn't she? No, that was not involved. You may have tried to introduce that.

Oh, that was on the other. If it went as smoothly as it went just now, then it probably didn't work. That was on the long version of Jordan, Jesse Go. Not this tight, expurgated version you put forward. I feel like, yeah, and that really speaks to the early days of this show. It was mostly us talking about people who had funny names. I would call that our like, yeah, that was definitely our bedrock for a while. Yeah. Until one day you were accused of racism by one of the people with the funny name.

Sure. Not unreasonably. No, absolutely not. In retrospect. No, it's racist. Clearly, we were only focused on funny names. But from an outsider's perspective, you can see. It might not be bigoted, but it's certainly racist.

Right. Yes. It's racy. Yeah. At the very least. Sure. Just like Mike's Zumanity routine. His self-fallation.

Fallation? It's great. Fallatio. Self-fallatio. You are not often in Los Angeles, Mike. How are you enjoying it? Well, a couple observations. One, the 10's your friend.

I enjoy that particular stretch of road. Others not as good. Well, you're going to want to get on the 10 in the middle of the day. If you're trying to get on the 10 in rush hours, you're going to get in trouble. Yeah. And the other thing is when you were saying about what the weather was like in L.A., that's a real amorphic concept. I don't think there's any other place in America where within 10 miles you get greater swings of temperature. Have you ever been to San Francisco, Mike?

Yeah, there's a lot of wind involved there. I got to tell you, growing up in San Francisco, I never – I would be confused as to why people complained about how cold it was all the time in San Francisco. I'm like, it's not that cold in San Francisco. And then I would you would go to like the zoo or one of these places. It's out in the avenues in San Francisco out on the coast towards the ocean. And you'd be like, oh, shit, it's cold here. And you're like, why do people live here when they could live in the middle where it's warm? And San Francisco is only like six miles across.

Or is that where you learned, wait a minute, I lived in the hot barrio of San Francisco. Yeah, I lived in the spicy, spicy neighborhood of San Francisco. Well, because in New York, here's a little radio trick. In New York, when they do the weather and they say, you know, it's 78 in Oceanside and 74 in Garden City and 73 in Hohokas and 72. And they name all the New York places. I have boy again. Should she boy in New York? Tim, but I happen to stop being racist.

I happen to know that a lot of radio stations, they just have one temperature and then they have a card that has a list of random list of towns and minus two plus three minus four. It's all it's just it's just a fake way of saying we're reporting on your town. But here in Los Angeles versus Santa Monica versus, you know, the Valley, that stuff's really important. Yeah, it is. I know that the other day it was, the forecast for Los Angeles is LAX, which is on the west side of Los Angeles. And it is, I live in Los Angeles.

I live in the city of Los Angeles, but I live at least 20 miles-ish from LAX. I live in the furthest place from LAX it could be. And so I kept looking at the weather forecast and seeing like 85 and looking at my weather forecast and it would be like 97. What a cruel world we live in. Yeah. I mean I for the past couple of months have been working in Burbank, which is – and I fear we're treading upon that – the territory we were almost at the other week where we were talking about various San Francisco bus stops. So I will make this brief.

That's okay. I'm going to be talking about different Tim Hortons coffee shops in Toronto in a moment. Oh, really? I'll be reviewing each one. Yeah, how's the water? Does it make the bagels better? I'd love to hear that story again. Sorry. Anyway, I like deep dish pizza. Yeah, right.

So I was working in Burbank and I guess that was what you would call the valley. Yeah. I guess that was what you would call the valley. Yeah. And the summer heat in Hollywood versus the summer heat of the valley is the difference between being kind of uncomfortable and wanting to start a race war. Like we're talking about my racism. It was a full on Rahoa situation. Yeah. My racism has never been more intense than when I was super hot, like walking to the Korean barbecue place in Burbank.

And you were just racist against any race that came along, including whites. Yes, whites. Yeah. Dogs. Mostly whites. You were just trying to remember what countries your ancestors came from. Yeah. Having a hard time and just picking ones, countries that you were pretty sure none of your ancestors came from, putting them on white people walking by, and then hating them for that reason.

You were so itching for a fight. You weren't just racist. You were phylumist. You were genesis. Yeah. Whatever it took. Phylum periphera? Mm-hmm.

If a sea cucumber happened to mosey by. Who are you looking at, urchin? Phylum barbacoa. That's that delicious Spanish beef. I hated that, too. I really, though, in all sincerity, the other day I drove past. For one thing, I went to Las Vegas for a week. It was cooler there than it was here.

Oh, dear. But I drove past one of those, you know, those kind of thermometers that's on the side of a bank or something like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We have one of those in my neighborhood on Figueroa Boulevard in Los Angeles. And I can't, I sincerely don't know what it's attached to. It may just be a public service thing.

Like it's not attached to, like it's next, it's next to a auto body repair place. So maybe that's what it is. There's also right next to it a vending machine like a coke vending machine that's in a cage that doesn't seem to be attached to anything like it's just on the side of the street a cage and just says so does i feel like when i go to that part of town i think about a lot of the buildings that used to be a bank yeah there's a lot of things that used to be a bank maybe two things before what they are now so i could see that being attached to a bank that is just now they sell produce out front yeah sure that used to be a bank, maybe two things before what they are now. So I could see that being attached to a bank that is just not a bank.

Now they sell produce out front. Yeah. Sure. That used to be a Howard Johnson's. That's a big one. Very distinctive architecture. Yeah. House of Pancakes.

Yeah. Variety of types of plantains is what you can get at all of these places. You can get Machos. You can get Pecanos. There's a variety of different plantains and bananas you can get in 20 years there's no way that used to be a verizon store will ever enter the vernacular there's no distinctive architecture but big big thermometer on figueroa so it's at 108 degrees and i know that sometimes those sit in the sun they getiastic or something. But you know what?

By the time it gets to 108 degrees, just fuck you. Everything in the world, fuck you. You know what I mean? Like I went to Phoenix once and I had to take the bus somewhere. And so I was standing outside waiting for the bus. It's 110 degrees. And you just feel like you're dead. You just think this, it separates you from reality. And you're just like, fuck you world. But at least I was away from home

because when that happens at home, you have nothing to go home to. You know what I mean? You've torn out the center of yourself because at the center of yourself, it's 108 degrees and it makes you want to die. Temperature that high makes you start thinking about what should be the automatic bodily functions. Like you start thinking about individual organs.

I wonder how my liver is dealing with this. Your lungs, the cilia within your body. And you start – I'm inhaling. I'm exhaling. I'm inhaling. I'm exhaling. I should have a good long look at my stool. Really check out the consistency of the stool.

The three C's. Anyway, we got Mike Peska here. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. The three C's. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, A guest on my favorite sports podcast, Hang Up and Listen, starring Mike Peska. That's very nice of you to say. Would you like a trivia question? Yes. I'll give you this week's trivia question.

We can figure this out. Yeah. What is the most common surname in the United States never to appear on the back of a Major League Baseball uniform? And I don't mean – it's not a trick question. It's like, oh, the Yankees don't have names on the back of the uniforms. That's where I went immediately. I was like, who's never played – who plays for the San Francisco Giants and only plays at home? Or because they only have names on their road jerseys. Right.

So this is a common surname. I think it's in the top 70, and it's a surname of never a baseball player. That's terrible. We'll never guess this. Well, think about it. Think about what kind of surname it would be. It would be like – Let's ask Jordan.

Say one more time. He's the racist. Yeah, yeah. There's been a Kim. There's already a Kim. Right. What is the most common American surname never to have belonged to a Major League Baseball player? It's got to be something – is it something Jewish?

No. Is it – Because those aren't that common. Yes. Is it Hispanic? It is not Hispanic because there are a lot of Hispanics. A lot of Latino baseball players. I bet the top 50.

It's something African-American, isn't it? Well, that's really hard to distinguish the African-Americans with the American-Americans, thanks to our long and horrible history of slavery. Now we're in a very sad sports trivia place. Is it something, is it like Irish? It's not like Irish at all. Is it mix something? No, no, no.

It even starts with what can be a silent letter. See, in the early days in the 1800s, a lot of mix somethings in the world of baseball. Yeah, yeah. Give you a big hint. You're right. It's a certain ethnicity. Okay. And it's an ethnicity not usually associated with baseball.

Oh, is it a woman? Yeah. It's just chick. Actually, there have been a lot of chick baseball players, right? Chick Corea. My last hint is this. Chick Corea? Oh, no.

That's where you go to? Chick Corea and return to forever? All right. That was wrong. Fusion Jazz Legend Chick Corea? Call me out on my nonsense words. You didn't even go with Chick Hearn, a sports-related non-baseball chick? Yeah, or the Memphis Chicks.

There has been a football player, a middle linebacker with this last name, and he was short, and he played for the Cowboys. Dude, that's not going to help us. I really only know, unless it's Jerry Rice. I know some guys from the early 90s San Francisco 49ers. So if you want to give me some trivia, it has to be Harry Sidney related. Or Hacksaw Reynolds. Yeah. Something – yeah.

The answer is Nguyen or possibly Nguyen. Oh. There's about 50-something on the list and there's never been. How is that? Spelled how? N-G-U-Y-E-N. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, my best friend in junior high was Mike Nguyen.

Does he play baseball? No. There you go. We played Street Fighter, though. He was pretty good at it. I was a little bit better. Is that one where you picked different characters? Yes.

Okay, which was he? Oh, I don't know. I don't think we had character loyalties at that point. That's a thing. That's a phrase that I should know, character loyalties. We always play one character. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

We weren't playing at a very high – we just enjoyed it. We weren't trying to play at a high level or anything. I read it – Although you could argue you couldn't play the game at a high level at that point because they hadn't updated it. Yeah, you just massively jingled the joystick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was not a competitive game at that point. I read this morning an article in a major American newspaper, one that –

Is there such a thing anymore? The one that prints all of the news that's fit to print. And it was about the composition of the Israeli baseball team in the World Baseball Classic, which is the – essentially what happened is Major League Baseball decided to create an alternative to the Olympics rather than allow their players to play in the Olympics. And then they decided not to allow their players to play in the alternative to the Olympics. That they had created. That they had created. But the Olympics also responded by canceling baseball.

So it was a really nice tit for tat. Yeah. And so basically the – Baseball players have too many sex characteristics. That's probably why. So basically – Those big dicks coming out of those tight pants. Basically, there's this thing called the World Baseball Classic.

There is an American team that plays – it's a team composed of AAA superstars. So your 30-year-old minor league baseball players play on this team. Is this something like Jose Canseco would be in? No, he's a little bit too old. But you're looking at guys who should not still be hanging around. That's the guys who make up these teams. So I'll give you an example. It gets deeper when you go to other countries, right?

So the Canadian team, there are a fair number of Canadian baseball players, but not a huge number. There are a fair number of Canadian baseball players, but not a huge number. And so they end up with Stubby Clap playing second base for them. A career AAA guy who's just the second baseman from Canada happens to be called Stubby Clap. And when you get outside of the baseball places, so, you know, you can put together a pretty solid team for the Dominican Republic. You can put together a pretty solid team for a Venezuela, Mexico, Japan, a Korea, a Taiwan. These are all places where they play baseball. There's even a fair number of baseball players in Australia. Even the Netherlands, where they play honk ball. Yeah. The Netherlands also bring in guys like Andrew Jones, who was

born in the Netherlands Antilles or something like that. Was that or curacao i think yeah curacao yeah and which is a dutch protectorate oh and they're doing a good job yeah no one's taking over yeah no one has invaded curacao and um they're afraid of the dutch but then you start getting to these european teams and they need europe i mean the purpose of this whole thing is to expand baseball across the world, and there's more money in the first world, and so they want to make baseball more popular in Europe. So they need Europe, and they end up putting these, they end up trying to field teams from

like Italy. The rule for the Italian team is, do you have an Italian-sounding name? Yep. As far as I can tell. It's maybe one great-grandparent or a vowel at the end of your name, or do you really like Mike Piazza? Because that counts. Yeah.

Right. Are you swarthy and do you have a mistress? Yeah. So at this point. Can you name three characters on The Sopranos? So Israel has a national baseball team. But they're composed. There's one baseball field in all of Israel.

And they decided when they had a discussion, they decided when they joined the World Baseball Classic that they would field a team of people who qualify for Israeli citizenship. Now, it just so happens that in order to qualify for Israeli citizenship, you just have to be Jewish. So they got all of the Jewish baseball players on the team. That's bright. They expanded their pool greatly. Including several who are retired, I will say. Their player coach is Sean Green, who was a star who retired a few years ago, was a star with the Dodgers, among other teams. And so they have this team of sort of semi-retired guys and et cetera. They've got like a Scott Radinsky taking time off from singing in his punk rock band, a

Scott Schoenweiss, these kind of guys. But they also have a variety of minor league players who are legitimately Jewish. But then they have these sort of like what I would describe as stretch Jews. So there's websites that there are many more at this point Jewish sports fans than there are Jewish professional athletes. And there was a time when there were a lot of relative – a lot of Jewish professional athletes in the United States. But that time has come and gone. As contradicts the airplane gag, would you like this pamphlet on famous Jewish athletes? Yes.

There were in fact quite a few. Exactly. There were quite a fair number. And I think we all know that Woody Allen was a star high school basketball and baseball player. So anyway, that having been settled. So they're getting to like people who did not even realize they had Jewish heritage. So there are websites that say, like called like thatguysajew.com that list Jewish athletes and do research into this unbeknownst

to the Jewish athletes. And so this article is about how – I mean if you were invited to play on in the national team of Israel, you'd just say yes because what else are you doing, right? And so they – it's like guys having to like go to their grandmother's synagogue to try and get some documentation because it requires documentation. You can't just say I'm Jewish. Here's a joke you can make about that baseball team. You could say, oh, the Jewish baseball team.

We don't have a third base coach. We have a third base analyst. Hey, good work. Thanks, guys. Good work. A little anti-Semitic, but not too bad. Yeah, a little bit. Not too bad.

You know, sort of warm-hearted. If we were recording this in Burbank, it would just be shut up, big nose. That was all I would have said. And I was going to say, and when you said the joke, you're doing the hook nose motion. I was. I was. And I was doing the give me money finger rub. And you were davening.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was sucking blood from a baby. Yeah. They don't have a third base coach. They have a third base analyst. I had was sucking blood from a baby. Yeah. They don't have a third base coach. They have a third base analyst. I had taken the form of a cat. Sure.

So anyway, moral of the story is I really want to be on this baseball team. Like, number one, I'm not Jewish. I'm as goyish as they come. However, you know, I'm a sort of vaguely intellectual. I have dark hair, a big nose. Jesse could qualify. Thorne could qualify. Yeah.

There have been Jews named both of those things. Yeah, Jesse is an Old Testament name or a name from the Hebrew Bible, as I now say it, because I'm trying to get on this ball club. And I think – but I don't think I could come up with the documentation. So my plan right now is to convince the Israeli baseball team, instead of looking for documentation, to go with another model. Just someone who's a little Jew-y? No. It's the model of this barnstorming baseball team from the first half of the 20th century, end of the 19th century, called the House of David. of David. So basically there was this religious cult, a pseudo-Jewish

religious cult in the great era of American religious cults, you know, the late 19th, early 20th century. We're talking Oneida community. Yeah, exactly. We're talking about this exact type of situation. Wasn't it weird how there was just a little bit

where there were a bunch of cults? Yeah, I know. I know. Not enough cults these days. I agree. It's a big problem. It's huge. I would say it's an epidemic. You know who else complains about that? Cults.

Cults complain about it. Cults are super bummed about that situation. Yeah. So anyway, the attendance for cult con has plummeted. Right. They're like, God, you can't find a good charismatic anything church these days. Yeah. Everyone's talking about multi-culti, but not molt cult.

No one's doing that sex where you just put your penis in the woman and let it sit for a while and then take it out without ejaculating. No one's doing that. Jordan, by the way, has been working on the bylaws of his cult. Yeah, exactly. They're very specific. Started with 17B. Wasn't that an Oneida community thing that you could put your penis in and you just leave it for a while and then take it out and leave?

Whatever happens, happens. Like it's a gravity. So the House of David, their thing, the main qualification of this cult that begat the House of David was that they had this semi-pro barnstorming baseball team. And the main thing that qualified you- How did they have sex?

Did they thrust or did they just leave it in? Jordan, I'm talking about a semi-pro baseball team. Okay. I'm sure they did it the traditional way with whatever women they could find. Right. But threw a hole in a sheet because they were Jews. So the thing about the House of David team was that they all claimed to be Jewish. But what that meant was they grew four locks and giant beards.

So they didn't cut their hair. And I believe they mostly had long hair overall, which was very exotic at the time. And they all had giant beards. And among their players were women wearing fake beards with real long hair. And so I would like to be on the Israeli baseball team if they're willing to – Go back to that criteria. Yeah, exactly. Because that's the previous Jewish baseball team.

You know what I mean? I mean like there have been baseball teams with Jewish stars. But I mean a Jewish-themed baseball team. And if you could trace your lineage to that baseball team through your mother, then this Jewish – My great-grandaunt, Babe Didrikson Zaharias. This Israeli baseball team is doing the stretch Jew thing to the extreme. I hear they invited Madeline Albright to be on the team, which is a bad idea for a couple reasons. She can't hit the curve is what I'm saying, Jordan. She has.

But, I mean, she has been working on her knuckler the past 50 years. Yeah. It's, you know, it's basically thrown with actually the fingertips, not the knuckleball. A lot of people think it's thrown with the knuckles. Instead of getting dunked with Gatorade, the coach gets dunked with Manischewitz. Thank you. Third base analyst. I like third base analyst a little better.

Digging that hole. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Peska, guy sitting next to them. Hey, listen, we got some important America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Mike Peska, Guy Sidney next to them. Hey, listen, we got some important stuff coming up, Jordan. Tons of important stuff.

Number one, we have two live shows coming up. Yes. This Saturday, we are going to be at Riot LA in Los Angeles with special guest Kevin Allison. This is the debut of this information. Yeah, this is going to be spectacular. Yeah. This is going to be a delight. Come on, we got the redheaded gay from the State on our program.

Yeah, from the famous sketch, the Jew, the Italian, and the redhead gay. Yeah, well, he's also literally a redheaded gay, but you're right to clarify that, given the amount of ironic bigotry that's gone on on this program. So that's going to be tremendous. Then October 11th and 12th, 12th and 13th, Friday and Saturday night, we've got International Waters and Jordan Jesse Go in San Francisco at the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. I know what you're thinking. Will there be burrito-themed material in the Jordan Jesse Go? It seems impossible for the answer to be no.

What about will any of the burritos be comedic? Well, I mean, I would say if you put lettuce in a burrito, that's tragicomic. What's a funny burrito? Citrus with the rind left on? Joke's on you. Instead of it being wrapped in foil, it's wrapped in the newspaper comics, and then we just read the Kathy comics out loud. That's good. I'll tell you what is a funny burrito.

My wife's father did not know how to cook, still doesn't know how to cook, and had to take care of my wife and her sister for a few years while my mother-in-law was in night school. And had to cook dinner for them. And the rules were it had to be healthy, which meant there had to be a vegetable. And so once or twice a week. In real life, that actually isn't what the definition of healthy is. It's beyond that. The definition, that was their definition. and once or twice a week they would eat something uh that he called a burrito and this was something that my wife believed to be the

definition of a burrito until she got to high school so until she was 15 i think she told me is when she found out what a burrito actually is it was was a tortilla, refried beans, and sliced cucumbers. Yeah. If you start early on, you could redefine many concepts for children. He also – Like love. He also told them – Have you guys ever seen that weird European movie Dogtooth?

This is like that. Anyway. No, I haven't seen that. That's a movie where the kids are cut off from society and the parents tell them that words mean different things. Gotcha. That's like an old Steve Martin joke. Mama Oomboomba Day. That's a great joke to play on kids, he says, the first day of kindergarten.

Yeah. Okay. Dog tooth. The other thing that my father-in-law told my wife was that putting all of the – mixing up all of the food into one bowl and then everyone eats out of that bowl is eating European style. No, that's eating horse style or pig style, I guess. I guess horse style would be if they strapped the bowl to their head. Pig style would be. Was your father-in-law calling Europeans pigs?

Maybe he's the racist. Yeah, that's true. All show we've been trying to find the racist. This is the theme to the show, find the racist. Who's the racist? Turns out it's your father-in-law. We also have a really cool big day coming up. Yes.

So we've added some new shows to the lineup. You may have noticed International Waters, The Memory Palace, a show that we have not yet announced yet. Not to put too fine a point on it, but an upcoming announcement, a very exciting upcoming announcement. And Throwing Shade is a recent addition to the lineup. What we would love to do is raise some money for those folks to get paid. So we have created a special pledge drive. Now, I know what you're thinking. Big pledge drive.

No. One-day pledge drive. Max Fun Day. October 15th is max fun day we will all be working together to blow the shit out of the pledge drive that one day monday october 15th it's going to be amazing we'll have more information about what's going to go down mark your calendar mark your calendar for max fun day yeah you've had enough time to recover from burning man yeah this would you say this is like burning man 2 this is like well i would say it's a combination of, and we put it in this part of the timeline, you know, on purpose.

It's a combination of Burning Man and Thanksgiving. So you get your whole family together, do some Bayo to each other, and just throw yams at each other. Right. That's Kuala Lumpur style. Yeah. Just like they do it in koala for dessert fire hula hoops but you actually have a really cool project that you're working on that i wanted to make sure that we mentioned on jordan jesse go so nobody misses out uh so jesse as you as you know

uh i i've i've been trying to uh to to become a television writer uh with with i would say limited success yeah i've had limited success. You've had some successes. Sure, some. But I think with proper – so I've been kind of writing proper television pilots for a while and kind of had a hard time getting them noticed by anyone. Part of the problem, as I understand it, is that these days your entertainment executive types are so used to the – especially if there's no super, super famous people involved. They're so used to the it's always sunny in Philadelphia model where you just show them what you want to make.

Exactly. That they won't even – they'll barely even look at a script or something like that. So, yeah. It seems like a complicated way of covering up for the fact that those executives maybe possibly can't read. That's so true. Yes, illiteracy. Have you been pitching shows to R. Kelly, Jordan? I have.

I've been pitching to R. Kelly and the character Chalky White for Boardwalk Empire. So in the middle of your script, just give him a hoot-hoot and a tweet-tweet and R. Kelly will be cool. Go ahead. Tell me about what you call limited and what he calls some success. Yes. I'll be the judge if it's limited or some. Well, no. It's kind of my big – I would like to work in scripted television.

I'd like to be like a staff writer on a TV show. Jordan has been working successfully in television for five to ten years now. Yeah, yeah. So he's no failure. I don't want anyone to get that idea. He's doing very well. no failure i don't want anyone to get that idea he's doing very well but to make the jump from the sort of small to mid-sized things that he's been doing to writing for a scripted comedy television program narrative show that kind of thing yeah so but no jesse's totally right is

that like yeah just handing someone a script especially if you're not a famous guy is just not something that goes on anymore you need to have a yeah i mean i think you can there was a big story last week. Ellen DeGeneres is producing a web series from this couple who just put a dashboard camera on their car and did these funny sketches. So you need to kind of have something. They won't just read funny couple the script. They have to see something on the internet about it. So I recently finished a script that I really, really, it's called freelance beatdown uh i think it's maybe my favorite thing that i've ever

written and it was kind of uh the premise is that it's a it's a guy who went to a um like a boarding school for jason bourne types like secret government killers uh and then he dropped out because he just wanted to smoke weed and start a band but then now he's out of money as an adult as kind of a washout 30 year old he's out of money and has to do freelance uh kind of black ops work to fund his layabout lifestyle okay i'm on board uh yeah and i go marijuana and so forth yes for yeah for instance um so yeah so i it's it's something i really really like and i'm excited. So I was thinking about what the best way to like present this was because it's definitely not something that I just want to sit in a drawer like so many of my other things. I think it's like – yeah, I genuinely think this one is like too special to just let sit around. Just mail out with a note that says, please read.

Yeah, please read. Give me money. Yeah. Sincerely, George. Yeah. And I think kind of the thing that I like so much about it is that it is an action show that is also funny and has characters, which I think that as a guy who likes sci-fi and action, I don't think there's enough of on TV. I think that like when you watch an action show, you're like, oh, that was good. It would be better if it had some jokes or the characters had relationships to each other.

Is it meant to be an hour long? Yeah, there's an hour long version of it. The thing that I am talking about will be a half hour. But yes, it is meant to be an hour long show like X-Files or Firefly or something like that. But the half hour version isn't what they did with Ally McBeal and turning it into

Ally and adding a laugh track. Oh, I don't know when that happened. I remember that. When they transformed Ally McBeal and turning it into Ally and adding a laugh track. Oh, I don't know when that happened. I do remember that, when they transformed Ally McBeal into a sitcom by adding a laugh track and cutting it to half an hour. I will have the famous viral dancing baby. Gotcha. That he is involved. He's attached. Anyway, so kind of what I'm doing with this, kind of with hopes that it doesn't just go into the entertainment void,

hopes that it doesn't just go into the entertainment void is I'm doing a staged reading of it with some very awesome comedy people who you might know from this podcast. I will announce their names later. They are awesome though, rest assured. Yes. I'll say their names at the end of this to get people repumped up. Oh, that's the later. Yeah, yeah. In two minutes.

So I'm doing this stage reading and because it is an action show, it does have these kind of big action set pieces that i think are really important to the story so i was thinking about what's the best way to get that across uh and so the idea that i came up with is um my buddy chris hastings who draws the dr mcninja comic chris nate hastings yeah i think maybe the first guy to ever mention chip Dipson and Dip Dotson in his work. One of the internet's most popular webcomic artists. Yeah. It's definitely my favorite webcomic and he's a super awesome guy who I've become good friends with lately. So I want him to draw all the action scenes.

So you'll see the staged reading and then the action scene will be this cool – Portrayed via animatic. Yes. Will be this cool comic drawn by chris hastings so that is the plan uh and kind of the little fundraiser thing that i'm doing is i'm just raising a little bit of money to pay chris to draw the animatics and to pay the people who are going to shoot it and edit it so i've got a little a i've got a little um fundraiser up indiegogo.com slash freelancebeatdown.

Yeah, I think we're halfway to our goal as of right now. But yeah, we've got some cool prizes. Yeah, the cast is signing things. Chris is signing some prints and stuff like that. So he's contributing to the fundraiser that will pay him. Yes, yes, yes. So yeah, and I think he genuinely likes the project too. So I think we're kind of simpatico on sensibilities.

So yeah, I think we're both super excited about it. So yeah, go over to Indiegogo.com slash freelancebeatdown. Here are some of the people that might sign your stuff if you donate. Here are some of the cast people who I have not mentioned. We got a Dave Holmes. Oh, Dave Holmes. Come on. donate here are some of the cast people who i have not mentioned we got a dave holmes oh dave holmes come on number two from america's favorite wannabe a vj contest yes the host of dvd on fx dvd on tv on fx yes uh wilfred yes uh let's see we got a colton dunn from the key and peel show oh this guy's tremendous colton dun Dunn's hilarious. He's hilarious.

We got Allison Becker, who hosted the show with me when you were gone. She's on Parks and Rec. Allison Becker's a delight. A delight. We got Allison Hayslip from the G4 television program. Very funny. Also been a guest on this show. Very talented.

God, who else? They're all great. Oh, Camille Nanjiani. Oh, come on. Camille Nanjiani, give me a break. You're at the lead. I know. One of the funniest guys.

And, yeah, playing the lead in this thing is Mr. Matt Bronger. Hey, Matt Bronger. Come on. You're talking about Matt Bronger from New Girl? No. From, what's that NBC show? Oh, yeah. The Other Girl.

The other thing that he's on. Up All Night. Is he also on New Girl? No, he's on Up All Night. He's on Up All Night. I remember this character, but got the name of the show wrong. Oh, but now that you mentioned it, someone else is going to be in it. My buddy Ian Wolterstorff, who is on New Girl.

So yeah, so everybody. You're a recurring character on New Girl. Leave another show. See if another cast member's on there. Wings. Steven Weber. Not going to be there. Steven Weber will not be there.

Lowell. Not involved. No, sir. Tony Shalhoub, I wish. Oh, not Shalhoub. So yeah, all those cool people will be there. They're signing stuff if you donate. So yeah, go over there and look at it.

It's fun. Maximum, go to Indiegogo.com slash freelancebeatdown. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gough. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Pascoe, third guy in the room. He is. He's the third man. Yeah.

Woo. Not the racist. That's me. This whole show we've been trying to find the racist. Yeah. No, it's me. I'll cop to it. That might be a MacGuffin of racism.

Oh, yeah? In the third act twist. I'm kind of a Maltese falcon of racism is what you're saying. It turned out racism, you're the least racist. Oh. You were a sleeper cell. You were trying to suss out the racism in others. And then at the end, it was all a dream.

Mm-hmm. By an autistic boy? Mm-hmm. Great. In a snow globe. Yeah. Solved. Wait, Mike, this is something you've been kind of researching on the side while we've been doing the podcast.

Someone used the phrase Ides of March, and you were wondering how accurate that was. Someone said October 15th. Okay. I said, oh, the Ides of October. Yeah. Since the Ides of March is the 15th. Your concern now is that you may have misstated when the Ides of October are. I quickly said, let me look it up. I know that the Ides isn't always the 15th.

It's not just synonymous with the 15th. Here's what I found. I know that the Ides isn't always the 15th. It's not just synonymous with the 15th. Here's what I found. The Roman calendar, my favorite calendar, the Ides is a term used for the 15th days of March, May, July, and one other month. That other month being October. Yay! The Ides of October.

Ides, Ides, Ides, Ides. The Ides of every other month is the 13th, except for February, which the Romans considered to be the devil's month, and they would not acknowledge its existence. Man, this is great. No, I mean that February stuff up. What about St. Ides? That's the one where if you don't drink it, Ice Cube is angry with you? Yeah. I don't know what that is.

Yeah. Ice Cube? Yeah, Ice Cube is angry if you don't drink it, Ice Cube is angry with you. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Yeah. Ice Cube? Yeah, Ice Cube is angry if you don't drink St. Ives. That was that campaign. Like the aggressive campaign that – who's the Boston Smoking A Lot comic who looks way younger than he is? Dennis Leary. Yeah, yeah. He'd say, you drive this truck or you're an asshole.

Remember that campaign? Are you good – or it's sort of like the are you good enough for grape nuts? I don't know. I'm fine without them. They kind of stink to eat. No, grape nuts are great. I'm not good enough for them. I know what they're trying to do. I'm a little too savvy. That's why I got my own show and you're still guest hosting, Casca. No offense.

I'm good enough for grape nuts. That's why you have a job and I don't. I barely qualify as good enough for St. Ives. Or is it St. Ives? St. Ives, yeah. Raisin Bran Crunch? Can you eat Raisin Bran Crunch?

I barely qualify for Raisin Bran Crunch. Good enough for grape nuts, minimal satisfier for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But more likely post-Raisin Bran. I believe since the last election we live in a post-Raisin Bran society. A lot of people say we're not post-Raisin Bran. I believe since the last election we live in a post-Raisin Bran society. A lot of people say we're not post-Raisin Bran. If I'm not mistaken, to qualify for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you have to have three years of foreign language, right? Yeah. I mean, that's no joke.

Okay, here's the secret. And math through calculus? Sign counts as a foreign language. It's a little bit of a way around. So you just watched a lot of Say It With Sign on PBS. I gotcha. Okay. Well, listen, when something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they call us at 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions.

We got Lindsay Pavlis on the boards today. She's ready to give us a funny dance. Good work. Give us one of these telephone calls, Lindsay. Jordan, Jesse, possible guest. This is Ezra in Alaska calling with a momentous occasion. This morning at 6 a.m., my girlfriend called me to have me come to the hospital. Of course, I was worried.

to have me come to the hospital. Of course, I was worried when I got there, and they led me to the maternity ward. Let's just say we didn't know we were pregnant, but she just gave birth to my daughter, Sophia Piper. I made a life more powerful than ever. Thank you. Why didn't she know she was pregnant? Holy shit!

Wow. Are people just calling us from the middle of various reality shows? Hello, this is Frank from Louisville. I just had my super sweet 16. Hello, this is Edna from New Jersey. I'm real and a housewife. You know, I'm going to guess a lot of bulky clothing up in Alaska. Wait, can I do one?

Yeah. Hi, this is Jeb from Oklahoma. I just reached into a river and pulled out a catfish. Sorry. Go ahead. Bulky clothing. You guys just did one and it sounded fun, so I wanted to do one. Yeah.

Hi, this is Steven Washington. This is the Week in Review. Not really a reality show. No, it's a nonfiction. No, it's a nonfiction show. So how do you not notice? that's it a lot of bulky clothing yeah sure all those coats those those winter coats wow i've never seen the show i'm pregnant and i didn't know it which i think is the name of that show yeah i do not think that's the name

of that show lindsey's shaking her head lindsey is absolutely contemptuous of the fact that i suggested it's called I'm Pregnant and I didn't know it. Pregnant and slutty. Is that what it's called? I can't believe I'm pregnant? Is that what it's called? I'm a pregnant slut.

Is it called I can't believe I'm pregnant? I didn't know I was pregnant, right? Yeah, it's called Whoops Baby. Yeah, there's not even an interesting thing. It's just I didn't know I was pregnant in the show. MTV's Whoops Baby. Yeah. That's what it's called.

MTV apostrophe. MTV's Lil Oopsie. Lindsay Whoops Baby. Yeah. That's what it's called. MTV's little oopsie. Lizzie, are you going to tell us what it's called? I didn't know I was pregnant? Yeah. When the concept's that shocking, the title can be a little on the nose. You know what? I think the key element of this is that we're getting a call from the dad. He's going to be there for the mom and this baby.

That's great. That's what's important. That's terrific. You know what I say? Every day is Father's Day. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I say.

Drove to the hospital at 6 a.m. That's some wisdom a wise man once said to me outside of Kaiser. Did you hear during the phone call, or maybe it was outside the studio, did you hear the sirens in the background as it was playing? I heard some sirens. I think that's a little good. Do you think this is like a Raising Arizona type situation? Do you think he's on a baby feeding crime spree?

So what are the benefits of having the baby without even knowing, quote, we were pregnant? One, the guy doesn't say we were pregnant for like two months. Yeah, he doesn't have to say that. So that's just one utterance and that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess there's, you know, I guess the woman doesn't get to have showers and

things like that. The baby doesn't get to have her friends dote on her. Yeah. But that's something a woman- Your parents die of a heart attack. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Right. Heart attack parents. I think the doting that you make up for it and the guess what? I'm pregnant and here's my baby. A lot of doting heart attack. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Heart attack parents. I think the doting that you make up for it and the guess what? I'm pregnant and here's my baby. A lot of doting. Yeah. Sure. You're going to get a real tsunami.

Tsunami. It's what we call it. It's what we call a dot glut. You know, a glut of doting. Yeah. Sure. D&G. Yeah.

Oh, a glut of doting. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's crazy. I guess I still don't understand how that happened. I'll tell you. How? I'll tell you what.

I didn't understand how it happened. And one day on This American Life, Ira was talking about how all of the – everybody at the This American Life office loves to watch Whoops Baby, MTV's Whoops Baby. Everybody at the This American Life office loves to watch Whoops Baby, MTV's Whoops Baby. And they talked to a lady from the show and she explained how she didn't know that it was happening. She was a little overweight and she thought her stomach was upset. Huh. And she went in. I think at some point she used a home pregnancy test and it came back negative.

What about periods? Which can happen. Period stuff? Best for us not to discuss that. Yeah, that's gross. That's gross. We should stay with archaic forms of Judaism. Oh, okay. Archaic weird branches of Judaism just to stay safe.

Areas where our ignorance is not as appalling, but fairly appalling, but it doesn't cross the line. Well, areas where our ignorance is more, our self-awareness of our ignorance is more apparent. Sure, sure. Also, our ignorance matches up general society ignorance as opposed to a place where half of all people will go, you guys are idiots. Yeah, like what happened with me with Jim Tomei. Oh, by the way, i have gotten some really spectacular updates on this brazilian goods store okay not only is it still there oh like this is something that we discussed in the last uh in the last episode uh jesse grew up around a store that

sell sold only brazilian stuff and then wondered how it sustained itself yeah so here's what they sell to be clear and fill me in you did not grow up in Sao Paulo. No, I did not. I grew up in- Because that would make sense. Did I grow up in the Sao Paulo of San Francisco? Maybe. That's arguable.

Okay. You know, this story is near 24th and Valencia. This is a city of God situation. Yeah. Sure. So, yes, I grew up in San Francisco's favela, Valencia Gardens at 15th and Guerrero. This store opened when I was about 12, and I could never figure out what they were selling there. I found out.

Number one, flip-flops. Number two, bathing suits with the Brazilian flag on it. Number three, Guarana soda pops. Oh, okay. That's it. That's all they sell there. Hmm. And phone cards.

Guarana Soda Pops. Oh, okay. That's it. That's all they sell there. Hmm. And phone cards. Actually, a listener of ours called Heather, I believe she linked this on the discussion thread for the episode. She made a nice photo tour for us. Oh, that's fun.

Of those three things. Of those three things being on sale at, I believe it's called Mercado Brazil, if I remember correctly. The Merchant of Brazil? Yeah, the Merchant of Brazil. Speaking of anti-Semitism. Yes. And so I want to thank Heather and the other folks. I predicted that we had some listeners who live nearby.

Turns out, six or eight, they went down, they checked it out, they verified that there's nothing for sale. Maybe we'll go down there when we're up there for the burrito festival. Oh, yeah. That sounds fun. Maybe we can get Heather to go back there. And if she goes and she says, I'm hungry, and then goes with her nose and sort of rubs her finger across her nose. Oh, that's when she'll get the cocaine that's really sustaining that place. That's the actual thing they sell at this store.

My presumption. I'm nose hungry. I thought maybe it was actually a front for Argentinian goods. They pull back the curtain. That's where you get all the stuff from Chile. Get some beef steaks. And all of a sudden, the Pele posters become Diego Maradona posters. And we know the real deal.

Sport. It's enjoyable. Next call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guests. Just calling with a momentous occasion. Driving through

a little town, and we saw a guy riding a motorcycle with a side car. Inside the side car was a dog with goggles on. That's all. Bye. Yeah. That's about as good as having a baby that you didn't know you were pregnant.

It's close. A be-goggled canine. It's real close. Yeah, that's really good. I mean, you don't want bugs to get in the dog's eyes. No. That does sound fun. Also, you want to be hilarious. Can you imagine?

What about – I just had a great idea. Sure. What if you had a motorcycle with a sidecar? You put a goat in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, speaking of – okay. He wants to eat everything. Jesse, this is something I have – this is a store I have passed on the way over here.

Yeah. This is on Western, I believe. Sure. This is a store on a block where all the stores have only Korean writing on them. Yes. This store has only Korean writing. Yes. The one English phrase is Big Bear Farm.

And in the window, only pictures of goats. What is this? Oh, this is even better than the Western Antler, the Great Western Antler Company. Oh, yeah. Big Bear Farm, only pictures of goats. What are they? What goes on? Do you think it's a place where they do that?

You know, the early radio industry in the United States was built up in significant part by a guy who was a quack doctor who put goat gonads into your gonads. Oh, my. Why would you want that? Because it gave you – it made you more virile. Huh. It replaced – I didn't Because it made you more virile. Huh. I didn't know goats were known for virility. They're not. They're known for eating tin cans.

Okay. But they... That's funny. Yeah, they put goat balls into your balls. Wow. And that was where border radio came from. So eventually it became illegal for him to broadcast this in the United States. He moved south of the border.

Among other things, Wolfman Jack got his start on this Goat Gonad station. Jim Rome to this day, right? On X. I mean all stations begin with an X are Mexican radio stations. Yeah. Cut to MTV, Mexican radio on the Goat Gonad. There's a direct line between the rise of MTV and the goat gonad guy.

There you go. I didn't follow what Pesca just said, but I'll agree with it. He said it was conviction. Goodman had goat gonads powering him. So this guy, this momentous occasion guy, I think we've dealt with him. Yeah, he's fine. He's whatever.

Have you not seen Big Bear Farm? Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Avi from Berkeley. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I was just silently admonished for placing dishes on the floor of a decent restaurant. I was having dinner with my wife

at an Indian restaurant. They just kept bringing us plates. We had kind of a small table. At one point, they were giving us separate plates with individual large pieces of naan on it, and they just handed it to us, and I didn't know what to do. So I consolidated the plates, put the extras on the floor because I literally had no other place to put them. And a waiter rushed over, picked the plates up off the floor and gave me just the nastiest look. And I don't know.

I mean, it's looking back now that I'm repeating it, it really should have been a moment of shame. All right. It feels good to get that off my chest. Interesting. Is that off my chest. Interesting. Is that racist? Yeah. I mean, this whole thing is.

No, I think Avi is really lucky to have escaped with just a silent. Yeah. Because, you know, to us, the floor is a wacky place for a plate. But to many cultures, it is the ultimate mark of shame to combine one's food with the floor or, I think, the left hand. You know what? If this had been an episode of Seinfeld or any project associated with Larry David, he would have gotten a stern and comical talking to by a broad ethnic stereotype for doing that. But I just put it on the floor. But you gave me too many plates.

What am I supposed to do with it? It's not my fault. Floor is not place for plate. Floor is not place for plate. No, you don't understand. The table was too small. That's a really good Jerry Seinfeld slash Larry David, by the way.

If you combine them both and then add a soupçon of Mighty Mouse. I just came to save the day and I put the plates on the floor. Plates on the floor. Yeah. And that guy, that Indian guy, would be played by a real life Puerto Rican guy.

I thought that the caller said, I thought that the caller said that it was an indie restaurant. Yeah. And so I was imagining a sort of Stephen Malkmus type situation. Oh, yeah. Where some guy.

John Gargiel from the Mountain Ghost comes over. Some guy in suspenders and cowboy boots is glaring at you because you. Yeah, sure. Meanwhile, the joke's on him because cover of Thurston Moore's next album called Plates on the Floor. Big visual of just this. Yeah, absolutely. Do we have one more call, Lindsay?

She says maybe. What does maybe mean? What kind of producer are you, Lindsay? Lindsay, call me maybe. Hi, Jordan, the guest. This is Rachel from Chicago. I'm a member of the Chicago Teachers Union, and we just voted to strike for a better future for our children and a fair contract for our teachers. 2012, more powerful than ever.

Hey. Solidarity forever. Solidarity forever. Solidarity forever. We're not going to sing union songs. Why didn't you? I thought the whole point of this. You were doing great. The union makes us strong.

Wump. There it is. No. Wump. We're a union. No. We're not just creating union songs based on popular hits of the early 1990s. Isn't that what they did?

No. Jesse, the it and whoomp, there it is, is equality. You know what? I think that you two might be ownership. I think you might be Pinkertons, private detectives sent in to bust my skull. You know, I don't know why our caller said she was striking for a better future and didn't also disclose she was striking for less strenuous evaluations, including what they eventually won. The city minimum of only 30 percent of their evaluations will be based on test scores. Actually, I do know why I shouldn't say that.

Looks like we do have a Pinkerton here. You know, I like that we got a call from the front lines of like a national news story. That's right. That's kind of cool. I mean, that's a first for us. I think so. And I'm kind of disappointed that no one called us from the secret. September 11th.

I was going to say the secret Mitt Romney dinner where he insulted everyone. Oh, yeah. That would have been good, too. Yeah, which was the – that was the September 11th of Mitt Romney. Yeah, right. Right. I should say that my sister is a teacher in Chicago and my brother-in-law is a teacher in Chicago. And I've been following this really closely. Now, do you guys know anything about –

Have you been writing them letters about the error of their ways? Dearest sister. As always, your brother. Wump, there it is. That's how you sign all your letters, all your correspondence you sign. Dearest sister. Upside down and inside out. About to show all you folks what it's all about, for it's time to me to pick up my quill.

As you know, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. So here's the interesting thing. Do you know about the woman who's in charge of the Chicago Teachers Union? Have you ever seen video clips of her? No. Okay. She's this 400, I think formerly 550-pound black woman who, you know, the teachers will say we love her. She's the only one who could stand up to Rahm Emanuel, who's this, you know, 97 pound Jewish guy. And in a clip. Known for his profanity. If you walked out on the street, people say fuck a lot. Anyway, so Lewis, and now most of this information is based on this tape that was leaked by this

right-wing hit site, but it is her words, two-minute clips of just, I was mesmerized and appalled at some of the things she was saying. She mocks Arne Duncan's lisp. The Secretary of Education who I never even noticed had a lisp. She said if he went to a public school, he wouldn't have a lisp. She's like, I went to Dartmouth. No big deal. These guys went to Harvard. It's hard to get in, but they don't teach

you anything. All the teachers whooped for this. They're whooping for Harvard not teaching you. And then she says, you know, I smoked a lot of drugs in college. Oh, not supposed to say that. I guess the kids are there. I couldn't believe this woman. But she won. She basically won.

It looks like they're going to sign. I think it's cool to have smoked a lot of drugs in college. Yeah. And then to use it against Rahm Emanuel. Yeah, right. Who in college was, do you know what he did? A swearer. He was a ballet dancer.

Crack dealer. Oh, wow. Crack cocaine. He dealt a ballet dancer. Crack dealer. Oh, wow. Crack cocaine. He dealt cocaine to all the other dancers. Now, you're starting rumors to get a better contract for the Chicago teachers. That's not right. I just love teachers. Solidarity forever.

The teacher don't teach no more. Wait a minute. Isn't that like a popular? You're thinking of The Wall by Pink Floyd. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah a minute. Isn't that like a popular? You're thinking of The Wall by Pink Floyd. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, This isn't some fucking Joe Schmoe off the street that we brought in here to be a guest on our show. This isn't some guy. This isn't some Chris Fairbanks. This isn't some guy that writes for cable television award shows. Deep kick. Yeah. This guy is the real deal. This guy goes to the World Series for National Public Radio. This guy has been to the Super Bowl.

This guy is hosted on the media. We're talking about a real professional here. He's friends with Boof Bonser. I don't want to brag. World's Strongest Man competition, Wheeling, West Virginia. Why do we even do this, Jordan? Yeah, we should probably quit.

I've never been to that. All I've been to is the fucking Olympics that one time. That was pretty good. That was good. The Olympics of... Sports? Modern pentathlon? Summer sports? pretty good that was good the olympics of sports modern pentathlon summer sports let's talk about let's talk about uh sponsors on this week's program we should number one let's say you're

confused about what the ides of march means yes i would recommend visiting ask metafilter at ask that metafilter.com rewind the podcast but if you wanted to do it on a website you would go to ask that metafilter.com we assume that at some point during listening to this program, you received a dramatic device style blow to the head that has not allowed you to remember some of the stuff that we discussed earlier with Mike Peska from National Public Radio. In that case, ask.metafilter.com is perfect for you. Also, you can use the code MAXFUN when you buy a ticket for the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. You should do that.

You will get $5 off your tickets. They are selling passes. You should go to a lot of shows. There are a lot of great performers performing. Matt Bronger is going to be there. Absolutely. Among others. It's going to be a real blast.

Bronger's hilarious, by the way. Have we mentioned how hilarious? He's never been on the show, so I don't think we've ever got to directly say. Has he really never been on the show? He should probably be on the show. We should get Bronger in here. Yeah. Bronger's as good as it gets.

Anyway, here's the moral of the story. You want to come to a comedy festival? You want to argue about what's better, Taquerias Pancho Villa or El Farolito? The answer, by the way, is El Farolito, but not the one you're thinking of, the one in the OMI. Oh. San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. It's sfcomedyandburritofestival.com. We also have a Jumbotron message.

This is to Benjo from Yoni. Great. Those are funny names. Despite what race they are, those are funny names. Here's the message. Yeah. Lil Buddy and I

wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. Oh. Buddy sends a kick and I send a kiss to the best husband and proud papa to be. It's going to be an exhausting but exciting year and I can't wait to spend it with you.

I love you more than anything in the universe. Happy birthday to Benjo from Yoni. Oh. Isn't that sweet? He said a kick from little buddy. Do you think little buddy is their mule? Absolutely. But it's clear that she's pregnant, so she must be pregnant with a mule. Do you think he's a mule? If a mule absolutely but it's clear that she's pregnant so she must be pregnant with

a mule do you think he's a mule if a if a mule impregnates a woman then the child is an ass right it's a manky yeah it just shows that jordan jesse go listeners both are knowingly pregnant and the unknowingly yeah no i think it, I think it seems like. Are fertile. Yeah. Yeah. Either way. Very fertile. Either way, these listeners be fucking. Right? Right, guys?

They be getting down. Hey, speaking of the Jumbotron, that's one of the gifts you can get if you donate to Freelance Beatdown. Yeah. Indiegogo.com slash Freelance Beatdown. Jumbotron messages. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. messages. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Pasca, guy near them, but not in between them. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah. That gives a good I think mental picture of the room. Can I, um, I just want to bring up this one thing that's been

weighing heavily upon me. Stick it in your craw? Weighing heavily on you. So I'm not trying to brag, but from my home in Mount Washington, I drive down Pasadena Avenue here in Los Angeles to get here to Westlake where we record our show. And I want to talk a little bit about different bus stations in San Francisco. What? God, why? No.

How did you get there? I don't. What are the temperatures of said bus stations? I don't want to talk about that. So this is sort of – this road, it's partly residential, but partly it's sort of – I guess you would say like light industrial. There's a lot of warehouses. Sure. So there's this warehouse that houses a mixed martial arts gym.

But it took me a long time to figure out that it was a mixed martial arts gym. They put up some promotional signs that said, you know, learn to fight or something. And I figured, oh, this is a mixed martial arts gym. I really had a hard time believing it was anything other than a dungeon. Yeah. And I will tell you why I believed that. The logo is an arm doing a flex, which, let's face it, that could be anything. It's actually baking soda.

Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And the name of this operation is the Submission Factory. Oh, my Lord. Oh, yeah. How is that not a dungeon? I bet that causes confusion. I bet they have people in uh ball gags and leather corsets showing up just opening the door and going wait what what or going oh oh oh maybe it's

actually maybe it's actually a clever gambit maybe there's plenty of people there willing to kick someone's ass they just need people whose ass needs to be kicked. Oh. Submission factory. So your theory on this is that this is like the kind of dungeon where you have a mistress or whatever. But instead, they're sort of getting it from both sides, so to speak. Sure. In that they are charging people for MMA lessons. But then their practice is people that they're charging for masochism.

Right. Dungeon in the front door, MMA in the back door, and the two meet in the middle are never the wiser. Everyone scratches each other's back with a safe word. Right. I like that. Yeah. If that's not what this is, we should open that.

I know, right? I think there's a market for it. Do you think that there might be an undeveloped warehouse space near our gay bar? Oh, right, yeah, they could go, what is the gay bar called? Oh. Mission Control? I don't remember what our gay bar was called. Dots or something like that.

Yeah. Dorothy's? Friend of Dorothy's? I think it might have just been called Dorothy's. Anyways, but yeah, I mean. You should know that we're planning to open a gay bar that's all of the fun of clandestine homosexuality in the mid-1960s with none of the prejudice or violence against homosexuals. So the main rule is you have to wear a suit and anything can happen as long as it happens behind an open newspaper. We also had preliminary plans for a 1950s NASA one too. Yeah, that's true. There's definitely an overlap between those two. Yeah, oh NASA one, too. Yeah, that's true.

There's definitely an overlap between those two. Yeah, oh, sure. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it. A lot of guys with buzz cuts. Yeah. Sure. Skinny ties.

Sure. Yeah. Talking about lunar modules landing. Maybe not. Maybe that's euphemistic. But I think you should have to clarify the lunar module is my dick. Yeah. And the surface of the moon is your anus.

Yeah, sure. You just got astrologically confused there. Yeah. So, yeah, I think, yeah, I mean, they talk about like, you know, oh, what's the most popular client for a dominatrix? They do talk about that. They do. On Sunsides. Sure.

You haven't been watching Washington Week in Review, Mike. You're right. Gwen Ifill takes that show to weird places sometimes. She goes there, you know, and she's a veteran. She knows how to get what she needs out of it, you know? And ultimately, you know, if David Brooks is willing to go there, David Brooks is willing to go there. If Mark Shields wants to talk about it, Mark Shields wants to talk about it. G-Go will go.

Yeah. By the way, Mark Shields' safe word, cloture. I've said too much. Oh, fuck everything else we were going to say. Hey, Mike Peska, sports reporter for NPR. Hang up and listen, which you can find at Slater in your iTunes. It's a really fun show. Mike, thank you for joining us on the program.

It was my pleasure. Thank you, fellas. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org, our email address. Hit up Jordan's Indiegogo at Indiegogo.com slash freelancebeatdown. We'll talk to you next week right here. Oh, our theme music,

Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Lindsay Pavlis on the boards and Brian Fernandez on the edit. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.