Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 242: The Prestige with Elizabeth Laime

Episode Date: September 24, 2012

Elizabeth Laime of the Totally Laime podcast sits down with Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of punctuality, hand jobs, and relationship "freebies".

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go. We're joined by the great Elizabeth Lane. Things get a little handy. Yeah, the vulgar kind. Probably kids listen to this. You really shouldn't in general. Let's go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful morning in Los Angeles. It's a weekday Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful morning in Los Angeles. It's a weekday. Yeah, an unusual weekday record for us. I'm feeling industrious. I actually had an anxiety dream about the taping today. Did you really?

I did, yeah. Do we want to introduce our guest? Let's bring our guest into this. You know her as the host of Totally Lame. Favorite guest on this program, Miss Elizabeth Lame. How are you? Hi. It's great to have you back on the show. I almost went, hi, welcome. Because you have your own show.

We're doing two shows concurrently. Yeah, this is going to get confusing. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. This is super fun. Thank you for coming. Thank you for being nice about my dogs who are in the office today. I love them.

I knew that you were a dog enthusiast, and so I felt comfortable bringing them in. Also, I did not want to leave them alone at home because my wife is out of town. Oh. You think they might have a party? Yeah. Like a little dog party? Like a doggy kegger? I do think it's weird that you left your baby home.

Yeah. Well, I mean, he can fend for himself. He's got the head on this kid. It's enormous. If he needs nourishment, he'll just eat some of his excess head meat. Yeah, exactly. Cabeza, it's called in Spanish.

It traditionally comes from a cow, but a baby would also. Yeah, right. Hey, put a little cilantro on that, and you're good to go. Yep. So this is my anxiety dream that I had about. I woke up at 5 a.m. kind of breathing hard from this dream.

I dreamt that I had overslept because I knew we were having to do this early in the morning. I dreamt that I had overslept and then I got my phone, like I got my iPhone to call and apologize for being late. And it was already 20 minutes late. And I was scrolling around looking for the numbers. And it was only apps. So I'm just scrolling by page after page of apps. And they're like those, you know, it's like the brightly colored game apps. It's always like, you know, something like stupid cartoon characters.

And I'm just frantically scrolling. And then in the corner of my room, there's a well-dressed man in a suit. I don't know who he represented, but he's like, hey. Someone who's punctual perhaps? Right. I know. Somebody who has his shit together and doesn't sleep through his podcast taping. Maybe someone you know that often dresses in a suit.

Oh, yeah. No, it was definitely not you. It was like, yeah, it was just like some guy. And he's like, hey, if you're going to call him, why not use the landline? And I look over in the corner of my room and there's like there's a landline. And then I pick it up and I frantically try and dial. But I like can't dial the numbers correctly. Like I'm always poking the wrong number. Oh, my gosh. Here's what my thought when I woke up and checked the time and realized that I wasn't actually late.

I'm like, what a fucking stupid dream. Like, what a dumb, like, hack commentary on, you know. It's so obvious. Yeah, I know. It's like, hey, you don't really use your phone to communicate anymore. It's just apps. Try to use the landline. Oh, you've forgotten how.

I think you're looking at this as a problem when you should be looking at this as an opportunity, this dream. Oh, for like a high-concept sci-fi movie? Well, I was going to say app-xiety dreams could be your ticket

to a trend piece, a feature trend piece in the New York Times style section. Oh, yeah. Jesse Thorne. Yeah. Turning anxiety dreams

into New York Times. I love it. I'll turn anything into a fucking trend piece dreams into New York Times. I love it. I'll turn anything into a fucking trend piece for the New York Times style section. Because the key element of a trend piece in the New York Times style section does not have to be a trend. It's something you make. The fact that it happened to me once constitutes a trend. I mean, who am I to say that other people aren't having appsiety dreams? What about putting apps on strollers?

There's another good idea for a New York Times Magazine style section. Oh, yeah. Or those baby cappuccinos that everybody was talking about for a week. Oh, baby cappuccinos. I did not hear about that, but yes. Yes. Correct. Either that's a real thing that everyone was talking about for a week, or that's just some nonsense that you made up.

Either way, yes. Yeah, I guess there was some sort of Brooklyn coffee shop that was doing like a little steamed milk with some sort of design in it for babies. A teaspoon of espresso. Yeah, right, right. Anyways. And then, yeah, I probably heard three or four commentary type things like, every baby is drinking a cappuccino all the time.

No, it's just one place being cute. Are you worried? You're not a particularly late guy. Yeah. Is it because you worry about it? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe because I worry about it.

This is not that early either. Yeah. I mean, it's 10 a.m. That's the other thing. You said early morning record. We started at 10. Right. Yeah.

Well, we met down at the docks at 6 a.m. The fog was just rolling in. I'm like, your anxiety dream gave me so much anxiety. Wow. You're late right now, Elizabeth. I'm currently late. Elizabeth, it's 10.17. You're supposed to be on a podcast.

I have physical manifestation. Wait, so you're late? I have to go to the bathroom did you get pregnant because of all the anxiety i got pregnant i'm yes i'm late with my menses oh boy i just watched um this documentary about ray romano on tour called 95 miles to go i think okay and um it's not a great film by any means. It's really like a classic tour documentary in the sense that the central element of it is that nothing happens. But I do love Ray Romano. God, I love me some Ray Romano.

It's just as good as it gets. You know what? I have a message right now. I'm not a man who's afraid to share controversial messages. Right. If you've got a problem with Ray Romano, you've got a problem with me. Oh, those are big words. You know what?

Do you think Ray Romano would say the same? Yeah, absolutely. He would say, if you have a problem with Ray Romano, you've got a problem with me. Because that's who I am. Yeah. Well, see ya. It's definitional. It's a tautology.

I am tired of people dismissing Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh, so sick of it. It's an epidemic. Call the New York Times style trend. And I'm tired of people presuming that because he was on a family sitcom that he's not one of the greatest stand-up comedians of our time. So there's that. Ray Romano, it has been settled. It's a big bomb.

One of the best. Wow. Okay. That's number one. Number two. In an election year too, Jesse. I'm surprised you're taking these controversial stances. It's called dog whistling.

I speak in code for certain audiences. So that was my way of saying we shouldn't have a black president. Oh, wow. That was a very creative roundabout way. But white working class voters hear that and they know what I'm saying is we shouldn't have a black president. Gotcha. You're dog whistling and you're mad dogging at the same time.

I am. If you could see my face right now, it is curled into a full-on Ice Cube style sneer. Oh, boy. Watch out. I've also had a lot of St. Ides. Well, I just want a Coors Light now. Have you seen those Ice Cube Coors Light commercials? Yeah. Ice Cube's really great.

Yeah. That's my position on Ice Cube. I mean, not in those, but in general. In general, yeah. No, but I mean, I saw those Ice Cube Coors Light commercials and I thought, I'm tired of glib beer commercials. Sure. I guess a glib commercial

was sort of cute and surprising five years ago, maybe 10 years ago. Yeah, now it's just what a commercial is. I want some hard-hitting hip-hop, edgy, maybe an actor on some sort of CSI. Is that Ice Cube?

Or am I talking about another? Ice T is on. Ice T. Oh, Ice Cube in the iced tea. Anyway. Pop music manager, Elizabeth Lane. But here's the thing. Okay, so getting back to Ray Romano.

In this documentary, one of the central conflicts of this documentary is Ray Romano seriously, he's on tour with the guy who directed the movie who's an old comedian friend of his, and the old comedian friend of his is middling in his headlining sets. And he is the featured act. and he is the featured act. And so this guy that is making the documentary is the kind of guy that throws all his stuff in a bag at the time that they're supposed to leave. And Ray Romano wants to be in the car at a certain time.

Ray Romano flips out. Now, Ray Romano doesn't yell because he's not a yelling kind of guy. Because he's so great. But there is a serious fire in his eyes. Like he really, you can tell that he is thinking about violence. What does he say? He says, he says, I don't know.

I can't do a Ray Romano voice. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Okay, that's good. It's easy to grunt like Ray Romano. It's not easy to say words.

Yeah, and he just talks. He just talks. It'll be they're planning to leave at 8.30. It's 8.10. And he's saying, I know that we're supposed to be in the car at 8.30. And the other guy goes, oh, you know, that's 20 minutes from now. And Ray Romano goes, in the car at 830. Oh, wow.

You know, and it gets really intense. That's a serious dad move. And I have been trying to find ways to not be like that in my family life. Oh, sure. Well, my husband is really like that. Like, he makes us get to a movie or the airport hours early. The airport, I understand. The movie seems a little odd.

That's why we always see you at the Arclight. Yeah, oh, sure. We're waiting for hours for our movie to start. But he has so much anxiety about being late, which I respect. about being late, which I respect. But when someone is like that, it almost makes you dig your heels in to be more like it enables you to be lazier and more lax about when you're getting places. So it's a real sticky dynamic.

We had a case on Judge John Hodgman of a guy who made his girlfriend, I think, might have been wife, show up early for parties. Ooh. I know. This guy had a serious issue. I'm not that guy. And in fact, I, you know, for things where it's appropriate to be late, I don't have a problem with being late. But I am a guy who wants to pick a time that we're leaving

and then leave then it's very difficult for me to feel uh comfortable if i don't know when we're going so i can plan when i'm going to do my different stuff like i what my my mo typically is that i will i'll pack for a trip the the day before and just put my stuff by the door. I also like that. And then know that I'm leaving at 8.30, and then I can just do whatever I want until 8.30 comes. I look at my watch, 8.30, and then I just go. Interesting. Yeah.

But if it's 8.30 and other people in my house, I won't say who, it's my dogs, aren't ready to go, then I am like... Wouldn't it be cute if they had little luggage? Yeah, that would be... Oh, my gosh. Like roller suitcases. Yeah, they pulled with their mouths and it was just filled with boats. Oh, my gosh. Oh, now I'm going to buy them that.

Jesse, do you take... Because with all due respect, I imagine Jordan is a real quick getter readier. Sure. I'm pretty quick. I mean, I slap on some makeup. I know it's hard to imagine because of this face that you're staring at. This is a five-minute makeup job. I would never have guessed. Pick your jaws up off of the floor.

I never would have guessed. Wow. I'm a booker for the Today Show. I would never have guessed. Pick your jaws up off of the floor. I never would have guessed. Wow. I'm a booker for the Today Show. Would you mind coming on tomorrow and doing a segment with Meredith Vieira? I would love to. Five-minute makeup? I feel like my calling has just been answered. And I was wondering, do you think you would be a good person to present to our Today Show audience a little information about baby cappuccinos?

I'm an expert on baby cappuccinos. How soon is too soon? How soon? I say the sooner the better. Okay. Great. So maybe a recipe and a five-minute makeup segment. Wow.

It's like all of my— Would you like to be the new co-host of the Today Show? Let me get back to you on that. Sure. That that. Sure. That one. Sure. The others, yes. You may have to host the CBS Evening News.

That I feel more kind of comfortable with, to be honest. Understood. First and foremost, you're a journalist. First, I am a hard-hitting journalist. Yeah. Jesse, how long does it take? Because I think you probably take the longest to get ready in this sound box. It's possible that I take the longest to get ready.

However, I'm always ready on time. Oh. That could be crocheted onto a pillow. Because I decide what I'm going to wear the next day, the night before, usually. Sometimes I'll call an audible, but I'll put my clothes out for myself. You have an extra bed in the house so you can lay out. You just have a bed for the next day's outfit. Yeah, exactly.

It's a clothes bed. But I do. It's Tempur-Pedic. My closet, where my clothes are, is actually in my office. And so at night, before I go to bed, while my wife is doing her 75 minute bedtime ritual um her silly lady stuff yeah all her lady stuff whatever putting baking soda in her box or whatever it is that women do before bed that is what we do is that it i don't i don't i mean i'm a man you know your idea of douching um came from that one scene in Boardwalk Empire where the

woman has the gallon jug of vinegar and the funnel and she's wondering what to do with it. And then there's the baking soda pack that you learned on Locked Up Abroad. Sure. Where you just pack it in. I like the idea of a woman combining those two for a

high school science experiment. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. yeah volcano vagina volcano i think i've just i think we just named our next business you guys i mean here's the thing like i when i get on to a task um i've i tend to feel uncomfortable if it's not either settled or completely off the table. I'm not very good at letting things marinate. And so usually if I'm going out, at some point during the day or whatever, during the late afternoon, at 4 or 5 or something like that, I will have thought, Jesus Christ, what am I going to wear tonight? And I will have gone into my closet and been like, okay, I'm wearing this.

Even if I'm not literally putting it out, at least I've sort of like solved the issue in my mind so it doesn't bother me anymore. You have a Jesus Christ moment. Yeah, exactly. I turn water into wine. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but I mean, I just go in. I'm like, fine.

Okay, now it's settled. I don't have to worry about it. I can just eat my dinner and dick around on the internet in peace. Yeah, good. You know what I mean? Priorities. So it may, in some cases, I may do a little bit of that kind of dithering like you would see in an 80s family sitcom or a romantic comedy. Katherine Heigl.

Yeah, exactly. I'm not familiar with this kind of dithery. You know, where a woman comes out in one skirt and then she goes... Oh, okay. And then she goes back in and comes back out in another skirt and she's like...

Yeah. And then full Carmen Miranda dress. Yeah. With pineapples coming out of her head. And then her gay best friend's like, uh-uh. Yeah, I was going to say he crosses his arms and rolls his eyes. And then there are bloomies. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Pouring cappuccinos onto babies. I do. I do do all that stuff with my dogs in the role of the gay best friend. They roll their eyes. Oh, that makes me think. Before, when we were going to podcast and I came and then we didn't,

I was telling Jordan, we just lost our cat, our little cat. It's been rough, but it makes me think, Andy and I do voices for our animals, and Hurricane, the cat, was a Katrina survivor,

and so he was from New Orleans and he had a real Cajun thick, like... Oh, like a Dom DeLuise. Yeah, his voice was, my name is Hurricane and I've seen some sheets. Not Dom DeLuise. Who am I thinking of?

You're thinking of celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. Paul Prudhomme, excuse me. Oh, wow. You guys have a real special relationship. No, Dom DeLuise and celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme are exactly the same person. I mean, if you've never confused Dom DeLuise and celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme, I don't even know who you are. It's like ice cube and iced tea.

Yeah, that makes sense. Same person. Right. Same person. Sorry, so the cat's voice was Cajun. Yeah. Did he ever say like, nah, nah, nah, nah? Yeah, all the time. He said stuff like that. Did he ever say stuff about like Cajun. Yeah. And no. Did he ever say like nah, nah, nah, nah? Yeah.

All the time. He said stuff like that. Did he ever say stuff about like Cajun did he ever ask for like Cajun fish or crawdad souffle?

If we the mere mention of Zatarans don't even get him started. Sure. Yeah. He was really upset about that. But

he yeah. So it's sad sad he's gone. Yeah. Are you, like, are you considering replacing him with another cat? I want to, but the problem with Hurricane was we adopted him from a neighbor who couldn't, wasn't taking care of him properly. And he was mostly an indoor cat, but he still went to the bathroom outside, which is how he met his demise. Sure.

By these tons of metal that roll down the street that we're all familiar with called cars. Yes. And I wouldn't want to get another cat who was outdoor-indoor. I would only want an indoor cat, but we don't really have a spot for litter. And I don't really know how that works. So you never had litter for him? It's super absorbent. Yeah, we never had litter.

It is. I do know that. It's absorbent. Right. So you don't know how finding a spot for the litter works. Yeah, I don't know. And I don't know that there is one, to be honest. So we'll have to wait until we get our baller house, which will have...

Once you start balling in control, out of control. Balling, medium control of balling. Yeah. Mixed bag. Mixed bag. You'll ball mostly on the weekends. We'll ball, actually, I think during the week, weekdays. Oh, okay. And we'll try not to ball ball mostly on the weekends. Well, ball, actually, I think during the weekdays. Oh, okay.

And we'll try not to ball as much on the weekends. That's an interesting time to ball. Yeah. On the weekends, it'll be totally lame Bay Area Ballas remix. That's right. I guess Southern California Ballas remix. SoCal. Yeah, so then we'll get a litter spot.

It will still have Drew Down on it, though, right? I don't know who Drew Down is. I got five on it, Bay Area Ballers remix. Oh, I got five on it, Bay Area Ballers remix. Yes. Okay, great. Thank you, Elizabeth. But, yeah, I...

Something about real big fish? Anyone? No. No. I do want... I've been looking online at other cats. I mean, no cat will replace this cat. But it's fun to look at.

I never would have thought I would get a cat, and he turned me into a dog slash cat person now. So he's saving, hopefully, lots of cats' lives. Yeah, down the road. I'll adopt a lot of cats. I live in a neighborhood'll adopt a lot of cats. I live in a neighborhood

that has a lot of dogs running around. Mm-hmm. I know that. Every time I'm in your neighborhood, I chase this. It's horrible. You try to get one in the car. It's a continuous state of torture for me.

Because, I mean, there's just frankly, there's just a lot of people in my neighborhood with different cultural expectations about the role of pets in our lives yes you know what i mean like it is a real it is a real second world type situation in a lot of my neighborhood and it tears me up every time because you don't what where what's going on that's the it's the fact that it's unknowable it could be someone's dog for one thing there's a guy that lives in a van by the park at the bottom of my hill that has like four dogs that live in the van with him and they just run around free and they come to the van at night yeah i think I think so. Oh, God. This guy's a real...

A real van dweller? Sure. He's the worst kind of van dweller, which is a drunk van dweller that yells at you. Oh, no. Yeah, I know. And is maybe neglecting dogs. Yeah, and is probably neglecting dogs. But he's a tax-paying citizen, so... He is. He's definitely

part of the 53%. This guy that lives in a van at the bottom of my hill but he he's probably got I mean he's got a lot of income

from the hand jobs that he gives sure there's there's also just a lot of chihuahuas that belong

to people that just let them out in their yards they're smaller than the than the bars of their yard and they just run around and do whatever and come back home. And they all have their balls. Yep.

And they all make a million other chihuahuas, and then all the chihuahuas get, don't get me started. Here I go. They get killed in the shelters. But I don't know if some of the, I don't know if the doggies, what about the other doggies? What if they don't have owners? of the, I don't know if the doggies, what about the other doggies? What if they don't have owners? I know, it's tough. Yeah, because nobody has a collar, nobody's got a tag.

Well, that's why. They have a collar, it just doesn't have a tag. It's like I have a pink princess collar with no tag and no microchip, so who knows? Yeah, they have like a little Gucci handbag. Yeah. But there's no ID in it. Right, exactly. It's just gum.

Don't carry ID. It's just gum. Dog gum. Don't carry ID. It's just gum. Dog gum. Speaking of weird handjobs, speaking of the thing I brought up. Oh, I do want to talk about weird handjobs. Do you? Oh, okay. Do you have a weird handjob story?

Well, I learned how to give a handjob as a young girl. Uh-huh, sure. Young. No, I'm just kidding. You learned that in Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts. I got my handjob as a young girl. Uh-huh, sure. Young. No, I'm just kidding. You learned that in Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts. I got my handjob badge. Uh-huh.

Okay. Is. Okay. So as a young guy and when the time came to where it looked like I was going to have to deal with a vagina, I did a lot of like reading up beforehand. You might first order of business is maybe don't look at it or phrase it as I'm going to have – well, I'm going to have to deal with one of those things. I'm going to have to deal with it. Well, I'm just going to have – I throw up my hands.

Well, fine. And I roll up my sleeves. Jordan showed up and talked to the school librarian. Seems like it's unavoidable now. Mrs. Doherty, I'm going to have to deal with a vagina. And something that was really, really helpful to me was the Vice Magazine guide to eating pussy. Oh. So, like, I always like to go up to, like, the, you know, the record slash bong store. Uh-huh.

Like, in Huntington Beach. And they always had, like, free Vice magazines. And I read that there, you know, there's, and I'm like, oh, great. This is helpful because it was, like, this kind of practical guide to how to perform oral sex on a woman. And there was a, there's an analog. There's the vice guide to sucking dick, I believe. Oh, okay. Which was also very, you know, was super descriptive and elaborate.

That was really useful in college. It was very, yeah, exactly. For you, Jesse. And, you know, post-college where I just was finding myself and just kind of figuring some stuff out. Sure. And now, even now, when you're short on rent in West Hollywood, it's useful. You know, it comes in handy.

Yeah. But I have never seen. Right. I have never seen a comparable thing for a hand job. But it is something that can be done. Like I have. Artfully. Right.

Absolutely. Absolutely. So did you ever get any advice on the hand job? Well. And so what was it? So did you ever get any advice on the handjob? Well, I gave a couple. And then I saw something about how to give this incredible handjob. And I thought I was on to something. And I would use it. And it had something.

There was like a behind-hand cup and then a front hand flat and it was a it was a two hand job and there was like suction and pressure of double hj and it turns out but okay so then only recently did i this is getting a little, but I asked Andy, I wanted to see, I was just curious about like how he jerks off. Like what is that? Andy's your husband. Oh, this is actually my brother-in-law, Andy. Your brother-in-law, Andy. But I was surprised that it's much less complicated and like involved.

Less complicated and involved. And I assume that the way you guys do it is the way that's the optimal way because you're doing it. No? That's an interesting theory. So I just think all my bells and whistles maybe were overkill. A man doesn't exactly masturbate for pleasure. Pleasure is part of it. Yeah. And there are cases where a man masturbates for pleasure.

But in many cases, I would say rather than saying it would be the best way. It's just because you're bored on the bus. Yeah. A man masturbates. About that. the bus a man masturbates about that the manner in which a man's in which a man pleasures himself is less likely to be the best way than it is to be the most efficient way interesting okay yeah i mean like like look we all indulge ourselves from time to time. Sure, sure. But yeah, no, you're not really looking for... You know, I guess you could try a bunch of different stuff when you're going to town.

I also, I should mention, like, my handjob days are mostly behind me. Yeah, sure. It's a very rare thing, so I don't like... Yeah, I'm not... You know, it's so... It's a very rare thing. So I don't like, yeah, I'm not. You know, it's so. It's by far the worst job. You know, I'll say this, RE hand job. When you're like in a dating relationship or you're in a long term relationship with someone like that, there is a point where the hand jobs stop.

Sure. But it's like it's like into the relationship. one will randomly come up like it'll just happen. You're like, oh, how about that? All right. Like, oh, I haven't eaten at Carl's Jr. in a while. And when you do, it's really good. You're like, I wouldn't want that. Like, I'm not going to eat that once a week. It's pretty good. Well, it's also it is in the same way that nothing against CJs, but it's kind of sad when it happens because it means that someone is not in the mood for another J. Sure. Or the whole nine. Right. So once you've been married for a while.

I like the delicacy with which we're approaching this subject. Or fucking raw dog. Anyway, I do also want to say, I like the Vice magazine. I'm glad that there are articles out there. Yeah. Eating pussy is maybe misleading, as is sucking dick. Yeah. Just for the teenage listeners out there.

Who should not be listening to this. Who should not be listening to this. But if you are. Hey, this is no worse than what goes on on a given episode of Awkward, okay? That's very true. I've never seen one. Yeah, but I don't know. I feel like that deep into the relationship handjob is kind of like it's just this little bit of sex fun that you guys can have. It's like, hey, I just gave you a handjob. All right.

Like it's not – but you're right. I mean I guess it is we don't want to actually have sex. Yeah, I think that this has happened once in the last year of our relationship, and it was because I was with you guys. That's why, Elizabeth, you mentioned you had come over earlier and not recorded. Right. It wasn't because we had a technical error. It was because— No, I was too hand-jobbing.

Yeah, yeah. And then we were so sleepy. Yeah. We just curled up on our mats. And that's the only time that's happened in the last year of us knowing each other. I think it's important for me to admit that I can only reach orgasm if Jordan's there. That is important to note. Yeah.

I mean, it was really fun to come on the honeymoon, though. Yeah. It was just a nice little vacation I wasn't expecting. Yeah, totally. That's sweet, nice little vacation I wasn't expecting. That's sweet, you guys. Oh, I just wanted to say. Just stick your nose in a good book. Sure, absolutely.

Get away from it all. So many books. Oh, Andy, the one handjob that happened in the last year was me this is so me like playing a Vietnamese woman who's giving him a happy ending so wait so you were

so I guess here's here's what I'm imagining you're like Andy I'm auditioning for Saturday Night Live I've got this great character and I just want to

workshop it a little bit to be to be fair she was auditioning for Mad TV five years ago Mad TV when it was still

on television I missed the boat on the Mad TV but I don't want that character to die yeah so I resurrect her every once in a while.

In appropriate situations. Was it one of those things where it started out as like you guys were just goofing around? Yes. It's like, well, now I've got to finish the hand job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, funny. Anyway, there you have it, you guys. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lame, eater of sweets. Oh, that's nice. Oh, we're talking about like a toffee? You should say eater of souls. Oh, that's nice. Are we talking about like a toffee? You should say eater of souls. That's better. I meant baked goods.

Oh, okay. But souls is way better. Souls of shoes? It's a great way to get power. That's true. Oh, no, I'm talking about like someone's essence. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eater of souls.

I learned how to eat soul on Vice Magazine. Oh, the Vice Magazine guide to eating soul. You picked that up at the Huntington Beach skate shop. That's right. Yeah. Coco and Sissy are joining us for this segment. They heard that we were talking about hand jobs. They didn't want to miss it.

Hey, I've got a great idea. Please. I would love to hear your great idea. I'm going to start a MaximumFun.org softball team. Okay. Here's the good news. Great. I'm the to hear your great idea. I'm going to start a MaximumFun.org softball team. Okay. Here's the good news. Great. I'm the star of the softball team.

Oh, congratulations. Thank you very much. Yay. You did it. The total composition of the softball team is me, you, Julia, Nick, producers of Bullseye. Sure. Lindsay gets to be on it. Lindsey's got a part-time working job starting soon at Maximum Fun, so she gets to be on

it. So I think it's basically a powerhouse team. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like a good group. A lot of heart. You know what? Yeah. That means you guys are going to lose.

Right. Yeah, yeah. It's a rebuilding year for the maximum fun. We might have to bring in a couple ringers, like a couple real sports superstars. So I'm thinking about letting Brian and Aaron from Throwing Shade play on the team. Oh, yeah. They're pretty trapped. Oh, hey, Brian looks good.

He's, like, lost a bunch of weight. Brian does look good. Brian's off. He's a handsome man. He is so handsome. No doubt about that. But has he lost weight, or did I not see it before? I've noticed the last couple times I've seen him, he's looking fitter than he has.

He looks so good. I've been noticing that he looks gayer, but I guess that just means fitter. Yeah, that's better and better. Yeah. Yeah. He looks tremendous. They're a little bit too good looking of a pair for podcasting. I think so, too.

They're way too, yeah. Yeah, they're slumming it with podcasting. Yeah. But, you know, what can you do? They could have a vlog. That's how good looking they are. They could be vlogging. They could be the next Rocket Boom.

Oh, I love it. But I think it's going to be a pretty great softball team. You know, we got five players. That's the best number to have on a softball team. Yeah, sounds about right. Seven if we add Aaron and Brian. I may have added those numbers up wrong, by the way. I'll come and – because I don't know if you guys know, but I was a cheerleader.

Oh. So I can do some pretty inspiring cheers. I've heard that's a really good place to work on skills like athleticism, sportsmanship, team spirit, and handjobs. Indeed. All of those. Yeah. It was a – I learned it all. Did you date the football team?

Was that a classic cheerleader football team situation? Did I date the entire team? Yes. Did you – yes. Yes. Did you have them line up for a handjob, for speed handjobs? I know because they had to perform. No. Yes. Did you have them line up for a handjob, for speed handjobs? I know, because they had to perform. No, see, I actually was captain for two years, which was unheard of.

Oh, wow. But it was because I had- I had not heard of it, so I'll confirm that. I mean, it's such a treacherous environment. It seems like it would be a little bit like Game of Thrones, where someone's always trying to unseat you. Yeah, I always had to look over my shoulder. It's like serving multiple terms on the cabinet.

You know, a lot of people, after four years, they're exhausted. They want to go home to their home district. I had so, yeah. You're re-upping as Secretary of the Interior that second year that you're... Also, you always had a freshman taste your wine before you drank it to make sure it had not been poisoned.

Your box wine at the cheerleaders and football party. It was Zima, you guys. Right. Someone has poisoned my Zima. I am undone. I was not the most, it was not like a popular thing. I wasn't like the cunest. I was always the base of the pyramid, if that tells you anything.

But it was. You got a lot of power. It was power. Strong haunches. I was the most, I'd say, spirited and responsible. Oh. So that's why I was captain. I thought those were the primary requirements to be a cheerleader. But a lot of it had to do with being super cute and, like, hot and dancey and—

Well, you're all of those things. Oh, thanks. You're welcome. Well, I wasn't—I'd say I was the least of those things on the squad, but I was the most kind of, like— You're wearing capizios right now. I am. You're super dancey. Unitard the whole night.

Sure. Dance belt. That's for you're smoking a cigarette and looking at other people contemptuously that's right it's hard to do in the sound booth but i managed you're looking at pictures of them on your phone and scowling looking at them sideways that's right um so you mentioned that the you say oh i was at the bottom of the period if that pyramid if that means anything. I guess it doesn't really. Is the top of the pyramid usually reserved for the, you know, Queen Bee?

Yes. It's like those are the flyers. And they're like the super tiny. They're like Kristen Bell types? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we were the ones who lifted them up. Oh, right.

To glory. You fulfilled a George W. Bush type role on the chair squad. Oh, I hate to say that, but okay. But as my friend Mary Elizabeth said. Sorry, is that too complimentary? Yeah. We don't want to bombard you with flattery. Am I embarrassing you?

Oh, shit. My friend Mary Elizabeth said, well, we couldn't all be flyers. Which I think she said it best. That's really philosophical. Yeah. You know what? Mary Elizabeth is young, but she's really kind of wise. Yeah.

She's very wise. Sage. Remember when she said that you don't have to be high to have fun? I don't think she ever said that. Oh! I don't think she believes that. Oh, boy. I'm just kidding.

Mary Elizabeth was blazing it up, you guys. She did coin beer before liquor, never sicker, though, right? Mary Elizabeth was too busy snorting bath salts to show up to cheer practice. Guys, can we talk about bath salts and the state of drugs? I just read. Yes. We can definitely talk about bath salts because I, in classic dad fashion, just read a big-ass article about bath salts on the website of the NewsHour. Okay.

news hour. Okay. Jesse, like, I would be concerned about your son because drugs, they used to be, they would make you like hot and skinny and like coked out and part. And now it's like everything, it went from meth to bath salts. And next, I'm concerned people are just going to be slamming bricks into their faces. Yeah. I mean, if you and Mary Elizabeth were going to high school now, I mean, before it made her, you know, a peppy, fun, you know, peppy member of the cheer team. I think now she would just be eating her own skin.

I know. This is what I learned about bath salts from this NewsHour article. So basically, you know, the thing that makes you feel good in your brain is dopamine, right? And different drugs have different effects on dopamine or the things that catch dopamine, basically. And the analogy they used with bath salts was it was like a faucet where amphetamines turns on your dopamine and cocaine closes the sink. So essentially the dopamine doesn't leave. Oh. And essentially bath salts have both of those effects at once.

So essentially your brain overflows and flips the fuck out. With feel-good hormones? Yeah, with feel-good hormones. Oh. And you then go insane. And the other thing about bath salts is that all of these other drugs lose their effect after they leave your system. But from what they can tell, bath salts change the way your brain works and breaks it. Wow. So basically you end up like one of the big effects of these bath salts, which are a sort of this synthetic stimulant. Crabtree and Evelyn make some.

Yeah. You get them at Restoration Hardware. They have a line. You get them at the body shop. Yeah. I got super fucked up off this big stainless steel mixing bowl I got there once. I mean, I was rolling for days. Yeah.

Just from licking that mixing bowl. Wow. But apparently people often, this is like a frequent side effect of these things, want to tear off their clothes. And then once their clothes have been torn off, they want to tear off parts of their own bodies. Holy shit! And this was, and I want to be clear, this was not an article in Newsweek. You know, this wasn't an article in...

Like, does sexting cause cancer? In the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. This was trending in New York Times. This was in the PBS NewsHour. This is like, this is a very, very sober, thoughtful, considered, non- alarmist news source.

Jesus Christ. Now, actually, oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh, I just want to say, kids, again, I assume your entire audience is of 13-year-olds, and I really hope it is. They play this at the YMCA, so when the kids go there for after-school programs,

this is kind of what's playing. Well, it's like, I think another sort of contemporary, another drug that has become contemporary since the lot of us were of drug-using age is salvia. Oh, sure. Oh, sure, yeah. Hannah Montana does it, right? Yeah.

And the defining characteristic of salvia, which is a, you know, it's psychedelic, is that it compresses time so that a very short period of time, or expands time, I should say, so that a very short period of time that you're high on this thing, which is why they have YouTube videos of kids being high on it. It only works on you for like a couple minutes. But it feels like forever. And essentially you lose your sense of self and feel like and not like you feel like you're one with the universe. You feel like you are nothing to the universe. It's very Buddhist.

That being alive is the same as being dead or something like that. Yay. Like, what is the appeal of these drugs? That's what I want to know. Well, salvia I get. Well, I don't actually. I do want to name drop here. I'm good friends with Eric Hofstad, who is of the Driving on Salvia fame, which I think was the original YouTube video. I haven't heard of this.

What is it? I'm big friends with the Double Rainbow from the Double Rainbow video, so I'm not sweating it. Okay. Well, he has a very famous driving while on Salvia video. Is that safe to drive? Probably not. No. Not very safe. Not at all.

But the thing I'm mostly worried about is just vanity. Like back when drugs made you look cool, I don't understand the appeal now because you can see that when you do meth, you look terrible. So you miss heroin chic is what you're saying. Yes, let's bring back some heroin chic. You want a more Kate Moss-y drug world. Yes, I get it, kids. If that's what you're going for. I don't understand that you're going to rip your own skin off and then have scars. Your preferred drug is fen-fen.

The glory days. Don't even bring it up. You know, actually, it's funny that this comes up because I think I am maybe going to have to – this is coming up next week – and maybe look at some harder drugs in the face than I usually do. Elizabeth, I was talking about this a couple episodes ago. I'm planning a bachelor party and it's next weekend. And kind of the discussion we were having on the podcast is like kind of I was trying to plan some things and the best man was trying to plan some things. OK.

And we were kind of butting heads. Oh, boy. He, Jordan, wanted to make it a destination bachelor party. Sure. And the best man wanted to have it in a flop house. So the theme is drugs. Well, okay. Here's kind of what-

No, not literally a flop house. Here's what has- his house. He just wanted everyone to come to his house. But his house has a lot of mattresses on the floor. Right. Exactly. And a TV that's just turned to static. Yeah.

So here's what's happened is we've kind of agreed on what to do. We're going to go to – we're going to do it in San Diego for the weekend. It is going to be a weekend-long thing. But yeah, we've planned some activities and it looks like it's going to be really fun. So I was having a drink the other night with the groom-to-be and he's like, you know, and he's like, yeah, well, my new brother-in-law is going to come along. So, you know, he's probably going to be reporting back to everybody on what we do. And I was like, well, hey, you know what? I mean, I think it's like, hey, it's fine.

I mean, I think if we just make friends with him and, you know, if it happens that we all end up at a strip club, then, you know, he'll be having fun too and he won't feel the need to tattle because he's part of the group. You make him the guiltiest party. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You pay someone to give him a handjob. But the groom-to-be, he's like, it's not the strip club I'm worried about. These guys are going to want to do a lot of hard drugs. Whoa. So it looks like I am going to be in a group with some guys who are doing, like, you know, like I enjoy smoking pot from time to time. Sure. And I, you know, I could count on one hand the amount of times I've done cocaine. Less than five.

Yeah. Well, are you counting rubbing it on your erect penis? Oh, no. I could count on my hands and toes. Yeah. Hands and penis. So, yeah. And even when I've done that, it's been like just a super little tiny bit.

Even when I've done that, it's been like just super – a super little tiny bit. But I think this weekend these guys are going to be doing a lot of crazy stuff. Are you going to do it? I don't know. I'm a little – like I'm afraid of hallucinogens. I'm afraid of hallucinating. It sounds awful to me. Yeah, and I don't know.

And I imagine my tolerance is way lower than these guys from what it sounds. So, yeah, I'm wondering, like, I have to, like. We should mention these guys are the 1986 New York Mets. Jordan's best friend from high school is Dwight Doc Gooden. Oh, boy. So, yeah. You're in for a wild ride. Have you guys ever been in a situation where you're like, uh-oh, this is getting too hardcore for me? You know, no.

I don't think drug-wise, no. I think those days are behind us pretty solidly. I asked Andy two nights ago, do you think you'll ever do hard drugs again? And he was like, I'm sure I'll do coke once or twice again in my life. He's in the music business. Sure. Off of someone's tits.

He's going to have to have a meeting in the back of a limousine with Steely Dan. And it's just going to come up. He should do it off Shakira's baby when she has it. Shakira's pregnant. Is she? She is. He's going to be devastated to hear that. Oh, really?

Shakira, it was his freebie for quite some time. Oh, wow. Shakira's a very attractive woman. Yeah, he had a good freebie pick. Mine was Dave Matthews. Oh, jeez. You just like South Africans. Yeah, it's all changed.

That's right. Then it became Lady Smith, Black Mambazo. That got disqualified because that's 12 guys. At one point when we lived in Brooklyn. It was Nelson Mandela. Yeah. No, I said mine is just we lived across the street from a fire house and mine was just a fireman. Yeah, that one specifically.

That's funny. You can just pick a whole job. Yeah, that one specifically. That's funny you can just pick a whole job. Yeah, no, then we had to revamp that. We only get a one switch per year sort of thing. Okay, and when he changed his to a sex pot, that's when you knew you were in trouble. Well, I thought I had Dave Matthews at that point, and I had recently switched. So I was locked in with Dave Matthews for... At least a year. At least a year.

Then you figured out that Dave Matthews doesn't have sex. Yeah. I don't know. I have really complicated emotions about that. Yeah. The most erotic thing you could do with Dave Matthews would be he would braid your hair. That's probably... And then he would, like, over my naked body would go... And then you would like over my naked body would go.

And then you would orgasm. That's right. So it's quite lovely. Did you know Dave Matthews just came out with a new album and it was like the number one album? I'm always surprised when I hear that. That to me seems like such a weird pull from like my high school and early college days. It's like, oh, wow, that's still popular. You think he would have been fully supplanted by a Jack Johnson by now? Totally.

Right. Yeah. No, he still is like, I don't know what I'm going to. He's still Dave Matthews. He's still DMB. He,

I think they're the highest grossing band ever. That's crazy. It's like, yeah. For like concert tours or something like that. It's weird. It's like, yeah, for like concert tours or something like that. It's weird. Anyway. So my taste is I have expensive taste.

Sure. Who's your pick now? I think it's still Paul Rudd. That's a good one. I'd have a hard time not sleeping with Paul Rudd. Oh, he's so charming. So fun. He's so fun.

He is married. He would make me being uncomfortable with gay sex fun. He'd make some fun jokes about it. He'd make us both feel comfortable. Yeah, he'd be like, my dick. I don't want to have sex with a man. Yeah. But he would just do some fun stuff.

And I'd be like, I don't know, when you're doing it with Rudd, it's just fun. Well, here's just fun. Well, here's what happens. You do it twice. You do it once for the script. Right. And then Rudd just does a take for himself. Where you just let him go.

You let Rudd go. You see what comes out. Oh, yeah. You know it would be good. It would be good times. Right. Because he's comfortable improvising. Have you ever had one of these, Jordan?

A who would we sleep with? Yeah. I mean, no, I'm only in exclusively polyamorous relationships with celebrities. Sure. No, but actually I have never had to have this who would your freebie be. And I also just want to say, well, I should have this conversation with my husband. I'm pretty sure that this is all in jest. You know what?

Never mind. I have. Oh, who is it? I did. I had to have a conversation with a long-term girlfriend and mine was Mila Jovovich. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah.

I don't really know who Mila Jovovich is. Star of the Resident Evil films. Star of the Blue Lagoon. Blue Lagoon. The Fifth Element. Oh. These are some of my favorite films. Of course. I don't know why I wouldn't. Go watch Blue Lagoon. I Lagoon. The Fifth Element. Oh. These are some of my favorite films, so I don't know why I wouldn't.

Go watch Blue Lagoon. I mean, she was like 13 at the time, but she was hot. Well, I mean. Most 13-year-olds. That's true. And. And. And.

Yeah, that's true. 13 and hot. Yeah. I mean, yeah. and hot. Yeah. I mean, yeah,

now, I mean, basically, the fact that it would ever be anyone other than Christina Hendricks is unfathomable to me. Right. Like if I had to have

the conversation now. Yeah. This was pre-Mad Men, the Mila Jovovich pick. Sure, sure, sure. Anyway. Understandable. Sure.

But you'd seen Christina Hendricks on that one episode of Firefly though, right? Oh, you know what? I had, but for some reason it didn't take. I'm not usually that interested in a lady from a film or television program. I remember watching that episode of Firefly and being like, Jesus Christ. I'm like sweating from my hands.

Wow. What is this lady all about? Well, you know, that's a real recent thing for me. Like, growing up, I was never, like, you know, I think all my, you know, like, my friends had Maxim's, and they're like, you know, here's, like, oh, we got to see. No interest for me. Yeah, no, I never really liked, it's only been in the past couple years that I've been, like, I've had movie and TV crushes and it's really new to me I think the most like potent one other than Christina Hendricks I think I've talked about it on the show was like doing a binge watch of Parks and Recreation and then just feeling really really uncomfortable

whenever April came on the screen because I'm like oh I feel uncomfortably I shouldn't be this feeling this sexual while watching is that Aub Is that Aubrey's? Aubrey Plaza, yeah. Okay. Sure. Interesting. And that one is extra uncomfortable because she sort of travels half a social circle separated from you. Yeah, yeah. So she's a real life person. No, we haven't. Okay. And I would not

allow it. I would not allow it. It'd be a great get for us, but I don't think I could. You wouldn't allow it. No, no, no. I wouldn't show up. We're such opposites. Because you want to see the person. You've had so many firemen on Totally Right. It's weird that you're like, oh,

here's a bunch of great people from the world of comedy and then just a fireman. Like, are there going to be some paramedics on later? No. We specialize in comedy and firemen. You keep telling these firemen that you do a show about spaghetti recipes. Chili. Yeah.

Yeah. Anything that has to simmer for a while. Yeah. Those episodes are a little more challenging than the comedy people. I don't know why. It's weird that firemen don't want to talk about handjobs. Yeah. Well, yeah. Sure. thinking Benicio del Toro was really attractive. And I was really, I really didn't want to know about any other celebrity

that she thought was attractive because I was pretty comfortable with Benicio del Toro. Sure, because he's ugly hot. Yeah, and he's also so classy. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, if she had said that she said that guy that played Thor was really attractive,

you know what I mean? Nothing against that guy that played Thor was really attractive, you know what I mean? Nothing against that guy that played Thor. And he is, you know, objectively, he's an attractive man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, that's why he got to play Thor. I don't know. I didn't see Thor.

I saw the Avengers. He was perfectly good in it. Totally. Thor's great. But I would have been uncomfortable with that because it would have been like if I had told her that I found Pamela Anderson really attractive or something. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Women, I'm always suspect of women who are with guys who are like.

Super ripped like me and Jordan. That's right. I don't trust it. Like really conventionally hot. No, this is true. The conventionally socially stamped hot guys that are like perfect and boring, I don't get it. I don't think real women find that attractive at all because real women's like sexual. Real women have curves.

A, they have curves. B, they want their group back. C, they exclusively use Dove beauty products. That's right. And, of course, think like a man. The point I'm trying to find is that sexual fantasy for women has more to do with, like, power and the story than just like the way someone looks so i don't i don't get the whole like oh he's i don't know i'm trying to think of someone who's like conventionally so hot that has nothing else behind it i don't buy it like i get benny del toro i

understand that you call him benny yes, we should explain it's double uncomfortable since we travel in the same social circle. Right, yeah, yeah. Suspensia del Toro. Yeah, that's very true. Werewolves. Yeah. Right. Other werewolves.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lame, Paul Rudd, future fucker. Paul Rudd, future fucker. I mean, that kind of even sounds like Paul Blart, mall cop. Yeah.

Could this be? You know, you're a professional screenwriter. You could pitch this story to Paul Rudd and then see if you could find a way to get yourself cast in it. I could do that. The fear, of course, as everyone knows, is they won't cast an unknown like me and I'll have to watch my very

fantasy getting played out by... Like an Elizabeth Banks. Yeah, that would hurt. Here's how I kind of see this. My dogs, by the way, have decided to start wrestling on the floor inside their recording studio. So here's kind of how I see Paul Rudd future fucker going. Oh, please.

So it starts in a future not unlike the future laid out in Demolition Man. Right. Wesley Snipes has blonde hair. Right. Exactly. And cuts out a guy's eye to open a door. So it's a future and it's very like it's a utopia. Like it's perfect, you know, white cylindrical buildings.

You know, the cars drive themselves. There's no pollution. Right. You know. That's what a land would be like if I were fucking Paul Rudd. Well, here's how I see Paul Rudd, future fucker, going. And it, you know, and all sex because, you know, to eliminate STDs and unwanted pregnancies, all sex happens like in a virtual space. So like when you're a couple, you.

You're losing it. Here's where I'm going. Here's where I'm going. Okay. Stay with me. Typical executive. You don't want to sit still for more than five minutes to listen to my pitch. And then is there genital touching genital?

I think here's what happens. Paul Rudd has been frozen cryogenically for some reason. And he's Paul Rudd. And he's a man from our time. And he's in the future. And he's Paul Rudd. And he's a man from our time. And he's in the future.

And he's the only man who knows how to actually have sex because it's been relegated to this virtual world. And so, you know, all the women of the future are just begging Paul Rudd for it because, you know, the future man is, you know, foppish and impotent. Right. Because he only knows virtual sex. And so Paul Rudd just fucks his way across the future. And maybe you won't be the lead. It might be, you know, an Elizabeth Banks or an Aubrey Plaza or something

like that. Well, Aubrey Plaza. Now we're talking. You guys are, understand that you guys are collaborating on this pitch. Right. This is so we can watch our celebrity crutches have sex with each other also the sex in the movie is real um but yeah but maybe you could be you know like there's a montage or something where he's fucking various future women sure i'd get yeah i'd get a moment to shine yeah in like a hover car or something i think if you broke up the timeline on this thing if you brought some things back

some things forward you could get steven Soderbergh out of retirement. And if you could get Steven Soderbergh out of retirement, I think you'd get them to have real unsimulated sex. Because he's an artiste. Yeah. Yeah, he keeps it real. You guys, I really like this. I kind of do, too. Paul Rudd.

I mean, I guess his name can't be Paul Rudd, so it would have to be, you know, like, you know, Billy Blorp, future fucker. Something like that. I like it. But you could pitch it as Paul Rudd, future fucker. Yeah, I would definitely want it. Think Paul Rudd. I believe in the law of attraction, so I would want to put out there Paul Rudd, future fucker. Sure.

Put this up on your dream board and let's see what we can do. I know. Oprah. Calling Oprah. I think Oprah will and let's see what we can do. I know. Oprah. Calling Oprah. I think Oprah will produce this, right? I think so. Let's get Pra on the phone. See what she has to say.

That's what I call her with good friends. A lot of people. I mean, Oprah usually does like, you know, kind of like serious lifetime. You know, when she does a movie, she does like serious lifetime movies. But I think she's like. Open. Ready. Yeah, it's like a raunchy R-rated comedy. Yeah, she does like serious Lifetime movies. But I think she's like. Open. Yeah, it's like a raunchy R-rated comedy. Yeah, I like it.

With time travel. Man, you guys, I don't see how this could fail. Yeah, I mean, it's basically a guaranteed success. It's a guaranteed. I love it. I would like to mention that we are going to be in San Francisco. Yes. At the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival.

Comedy and Burrito Festival? What? San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. That sounds like a dream. You don't have to tell me. This is literally, our friend, a longtime Max Funster named Amin is running this festival. Max Funster might be a stretch, but a guy known to us, a friend of ours. And I've known Amin for a long time.

When he announced that he was even thinking about this, I emailed Amin and said, you do this without me. You're cut out of my life. You're dead to me. You're dead to me. I will do anything. Like, we're not getting paid to participate in this festival. I think Amin might be buying our plane tickets. But I told him, fucking San Francisco

Comedy and Burrito Festival? If I'm not in the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival, what even is that festival? What is life? There are no... Arch Parker. Arch Parker. Yeah, it's probably Arch Parker. Just get Arch Parker in there. When is this? It's October 12th and 13th.

Go to sfcomedyandburritofestival.com to get your tickets for it. You can also get passes. Five bucks off if you use the code word MAXFUN. We are a sponsor of the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. It's a lot of fun. A lot of great comedians are going to be there. Yeah, yeah. I looked at the lineup recently.

There's a lot of funny, funny people. And I think maybe the San Franciscans won't know some of them because there's a lot of L.A. going up to it. But there are some really, really choice people. Yeah, well-chosen group of people. Say who? Got a Matt Bronger. Yeah.

You got a Dave Ross. Yeah. You got a Barbara Gray. Okay, I don't know. These are all very funny people. Awesome. Yes, this is a very talented, funny group of people. Well, you know that with a name like that, only the best are going to insist, like Jesse did, to be a part of it. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm wildly jealous right now. Yeah. You know what? You're not going to get to perform there. You're not going to get to eat burritos there. Don't make me cry. I'm sorry. I'm a native of San Francisco's burrito district.

This is who I am. I will be consuming. I will probably eat a burrito from El Taco Loco. I will probably eat a burrito from Pancho Villa. I will probably eat a burrito from El Farolito. But. No burritos will be eaten El Paso. I agree. I agree with the director, the producer of this event, that if I am to eat a burrito from Alfarolito, I will be eating a burrito from the Alfarolito in the OMI.

Not the intermission Alfarolito, the outer mission. Almost in the Excelsior Alfarolito, which may be the best burrito in San Francisco. This is 2012. I'm not afraid to change with the times. I mean, again, it's an election year, taking the hard stances. SF Comedy and Burrito Festival. My head is getting into a very weird position because that dog is on the wire and this dog is not. Elizabeth is in a very, very comical dog-related knot right now.

It's pretty cute. I wish you could see it. Yeah, she's really worked herself into a sort of off-kilter, sort of muscular dystrophy-ish shape. She looks like maybe one side of her head has lost its muscle powers because Coco was lying on her headphone cord and Sissy is standing on her lap as though Sissy is the boss of Elizabeth Lame. She is right now.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lame, slave to dogs. You know, I'm glad that you're a dog enthusiast. I knew that you were a dog enthusiast. I knew you did dog agility with your dog. That's right. And so I knew it was okay for me to bring in my girls so that they wouldn't be alone because my wife's out of town. Yeah. So thank you for being so nice about that. Hey, this week's Jordan, Jesse Go, and every Jordan, Jesse Go, brought to you in part by Ask Metafilter.

Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. They're the best. You know what would be a good question to ask on Ask Metafilter? Which El Farolito should I get a burrito at in San Francisco? Oh, okay. There'd be experts on that. Does it get that specific? People would know. That's great. That's the. Does it get that specific? People wouldn't know.

That's great. That's the kind of shit they'd make it their business to know. I'm going to ask Metafilter, will I have sexual intercourse with Paul Rudd? I think you're thinking of a magic eight ball. Yeah, you're thinking of a magic eight ball. Ask Metafilter cannot predict the future. It is not mystical.

Oh. It is simply a website with a lot of bright, well-informed people that want to help you. Okay. When are the odds that Paul Rudd and I will have that they can answer? See, now that – Tend to work. Someone might work up a probability chart of some kind for you on that subject.

Yeah, I know every – couples have that like which celebrity is your past. I wonder if that's ever come into play for anyone. I wonder if it actually happens. Someone's like, oh, shit. Like, yeah, I met Pamela Anderson. Well, I think it gets a little weird. What kind of couple's past is pink? Boy, you know what?

I saw- Like an urban lesbian couple? I saw pink. And I had no particular an urban lesbian couple? I saw Pink. And I had no particular opinions about Pink one way or the other. Pink is – Pink's all right for that kind of thing. Yeah. I saw her on The Daily Show a couple days ago and was kind of attracted to her. Maybe it's my new being attracted to women on TV thing.

Maybe it's just – Any woman on TV. Now a woman who a camera is pointed at. But I'm like, hey, pink. The other day you were telling me about how hot Barbara Walters is, and I couldn't understand it, but now... It's just because she was on TV. No, you know, I definitely have a little bit

of a thing for the that kind of short punk haircut. I've always kind of wanted one of those girls to like me, and they never do. Interesting. But maybe that's what it was. Maybe it was like a latent thing from from high school like oh she reminds me of like someone who i would want right who would never give me the time of day um it gets weird when the if the husband is picking someone that he's like i'm going to be working with her in three weeks so i I'm choosing whatever. For a while, my pass was Nick,

my producer on Bullseye. He's very attractive. Oh, Pink's husband winged me one time. Carrie? Yeah, Carrie Hart, famous motorcycle guy. I knew him pretty well when I was

working for Fuel TV. He's like a super nice guy. He's kind of more of a personality than he is an athlete these days. And like did a lot of stuff with Fuel, was always super nice, would always like, you know, invite us to his parties and stuff. And we were doing a thing for the opening of his tattoo shop in Vegas. Oh. And we were at like their after party. And I mentioned that a girl looked cute

who was at the end of the party and he went up and brought her over and he's like, have you met my friend Jordan? No. He's hilarious.

And now you're- Fucking carry heart. Stand up guy. Stand up. And now you're gunning for his wife. And now, and then,

now Shakira's pregnant. What can you do? That's all I'm saying. When you said that he winged you, I just assumed My picture just went immediately to Everyone in extreme sports has punched Jordan

Right Just because that one guy punched you that one time Some guys punch me But some guys try and help me get laid That's really cool It evens out It does even out Hey, speaking of

Speaking of trying to help Jordan get laid October 15th is Max Fun Day Right This is our upcoming one day pledge drive Speaking of trying to help Jordan get laid, October 15th is Max Fun Day. Right. This is our upcoming one-day pledge drive. We decided to compress our entire pledge drive into one day. It's all about new donors to MaximumFun.org. So we're trying to get 1,000 new donors at Maximum Fun on this one day, Max Fun Day.

We're going to be twittering like crazy with the hashtag Max Fun Day. We're going to be. And you know she's a hoe. Yeah, those two. Yeah. So either go to hashtag Max Fun Day or you know she's a hoe. We're going to be asking existing members to shame everyone they know into doing it. Just this one day.

It's going to be just a 24-hour bacchanalia of madness. We're going to have Google Hangouts. My dogs are getting upset. They're so pumped up about this thing. And the cool thing about it is that we're going to have exclusive digital giveaways to people who become donors. But instead of doing, you know, t-shirts or something like that, we wanted to do something that was a little bit more holiday season. No, holiday season upcoming. This is actually a little more expensive, frankly. But upcoming holiday season-y.

So for every new donor during Max Fun Day, we are going to give 20 meals through the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank to needy families in Los Angeles. Oh, that's great. Oh, my gosh. That is so awesome. Yeah. I, that's great. Oh, my gosh. That is so awesome. Yeah. I love that.

So we're very hopeful that we're going to add 1,000 new donors during Max Fun Day. So mark your calendars for October 15th. We're going to do, like, Google Hangouts during the day and maybe some Reddit Ask Me Anythings and just, you know, we're going to try and blow it out for a while. Oh, I love it. If you have a fun idea for something we can do on that day, let us know. I'm going to do a reddit ask me anything and be more of a dick than woody harrelson yes that's my pledge to you

yeah he's got a famously dickish ask me anything he's a famously strange but he felt like he felt like he had to answer every question so then he so people were asking weird mean questions and then he would be a dick to them i mean which is understandable but the thing is you don't have to answer all of them. Anyway. I did one of those and got lots of great questions and one or two questions about why NPR wouldn't cover Ron Paul. Why not? I was like,

well, because they're biased. It's because of their bias. That's a quick answer. They're biased against freedom. And in favor of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Good to know. Anyway, Max Fun Day is— And using the same bathroom that a gay man used earlier that day. Max Fun Day is October 15th.

Mark your calendars. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lane.

Elizabeth, it's been a joy to have you on the program. It's been a delight. It's just been so much fun, you guys. It's just been a blast. Thanks for sharing

so many insights into the secret world of women. We hope to be better prepared if we ever run into one. I think you are. If we ever have to deal with one. Yes. Should the unfortunate day come where you must. Yeah.

We appreciate it. Elizabeth is the host of a great chat show. Chat show? Do you feel like that's the right genre? Yeah. A chat show. It's like an interview show, but it's very chatty. Yeah, it's a hang. Yeah, it's a hangout.

A chill sesh. Called Totally Lame. You can find it in your iTunes store. Lame is spelled L-A-I-M-E. Correct. So that's probably the best way. And I would say that the title is, the pun in the title is ironic.

It's not a lame show. Oh, that's so nice. It's a well-done show. Thank you. I feel like I'm always really, really impressed with the guest caliber of your guys' show. It's always like a little bit outside the box and always kind of impressive. Anybody good coming up? I think Jesse Thorne is going to come back on.

I'd love to. Talk about outside the box, right? Literally in this box. I have a really hard time putting my penis into a lady. Yeah, yeah. Especially when she's packed it full of baking soda.

It's like me trying to dial a landline in my dream. Whoa, you guys. Yeah. The prestige. Whoa, you guys. Yeah. The prestige.

Can that be a catchphrase? Yeah, the prestige? I mean, yeah, sure. I think that's a fun catchphrase, right? Anytime somebody's... Yeah, just really pat myself on the back for the most minor of remarks. Yep. Yeah, because you should make a good quality for a comedian is, like, really pat yourself on the back for twice as long as it took to make the remark.

Self-congratulation is a key element of any successful comedian. But you're starting a new podcast, too, right, Elizabeth? Yeah. We're going to launch a brand new podcast in the next couple of weeks here we're really excited about. Sports Talk? Sports Talk with Lizzy Lame. And Fat Andy.

Fat Andy the asshole. Asshole Andy and the sports gal. How about those eagles? What a bunch of homos. Doug and Poughkeepsie sounding off. I'm sorry. You got to bring a take to the table.

It's always Poughkeepsie. On the Sportsgallon. That is a funny place name. It'll just be me. Pour him a Jack and Coke. Let's do this thing. And me going, wait, first and ten? Just randomly. We'll say first and ten.

Football. That's the one with the oblong ball, right? Give me your take. 1-800-SPORTS-COW. Yeah, that would be a devastating failure. Yeah, we're very excited about it. It's going to be me and Andy. It's called Totally Married.

That is a time-tested combo, by the way. It is. And we are going to talk about our marriage, I guess, and then also give unprofessional, unfounded advice to people with relationship questions. Episode one will be in-character handjobs. Absolutely. Yeah. Yes.

That sounds like a lot of fun. Thanks. I'm going to enjoy checking in on that program. So you can go to totallylamepodcast.com or just totallylame.com, hopefully. Totallylame.net? We'll figure it out. Did you get.net?

Oh. Got squatters there. Squatters at net, yeah. We'll work it out. Squatters at net. Yeah. We'll work it out. Squatters at net. Squatters at net. Come see me and Jordan in San Francisco. We're coming all the way to see you.

And we're also doing International Waters. So come on. Friday and Saturday night. What else are you doing? I'll be doing a little of the stand-up comedy as well. Jordan's doing stand-ups. Late night shows. Come on, get a pass.

Get yourself a pass. Just come to all these shows. You get five bucks off with Max Fund. It's like 45, 50 bucks, something like that. Tons of fun. Just what a great weekend you could have for just a little tiny bit of money. That's like half a ticket to a rock concert. Right.

It's expensive rock. It's like Wings. It's a Wings concert. Wings? Yeah, it's a Wings concert. Wings? Yeah, it's a Wings concert. You know what? Oh, hey, you know what? I think at the time of this going up, my fundraiser for my pilot is still going to be up.

While we're bombarding you to give money to things, indiegogo.com slash freelancebeatdown. I think there's probably going to be some new art up there by the time this goes up. So, yeah, look at that. Get your ass over there. Do Jordan a few bucks. Sure. Good stuff. What?

Why wouldn't you? New donors. Mark your calendars. October 15th, Max Funday. Do Jordan a few bucks. Sure. Good stuff. What? Why wouldn't you? New donors. Mark your calendars. October 15th, Max Funday. We're going to make it happen. Lindsay Pavlis on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Brian Fernandez on the edit. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.