Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 244: Hashtag Friend Zone with Jason Mantzoukas

Episode Date: October 8, 2012

Jason Mantzoukas from the podcast How Did This Get Made? sits down with Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Nicolas Cage and Werner Herzog movies.  Plus, Donna Vakalis stops by to talk about her olympic experience.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, twiddle-dumkas talks to us about his podcast, How Did This Get Made? And we get a visit from our most Olympian friend. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles for once.

Yeah, right? Jesus Christ. About time. About time that gloom burned off, huh? Yeah. Get rid of that gloom. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the weather in Los Angeles.

All these shiny suns and clear skies. And when two bluebirds drape a sweater around your shoulders. It is the worst. Rope it in. He's off on the throttle, Los Angeles. That's what I have to say. Hey, let's bring our guest into the program here. His name, Mr. Jason Mantzoukas.

He's the co-host of the Smash Hit podcast, How Did This Get Made? He is the star of films and television programs. Welcome to the show. Thank you, gentlemen. It's great to have you on the show. It is terrific to be here. You look tremendous. Mantzoukas is one of our handsomer guests. Oh, I love this. Yeah, definitely. Nicely groomed beard. Oh, I love this. Yeah, definitely.

Nicely groomed beard. Oh, thank you. Excellent posture. Oh, yes. Always, guys. Come on. And, I mean, you know, I haven't seen it, but I suspect a big dick. Nope. Nope.

It is useless. It's tiny. It's like a baby's thumb. You could have just run with that if you wanted to. Nope. It's like a baby's thumb with an actual thumbnail in it. You didn't have to tell us about this. Nope, no, no.

Guys, I want to show you something. Okay, I mean, I'll see it. I've always been curious. Nope, nope. You guys are going to see this. It's going to be horrible. Yeah. I mean, Milton Berle had, you know, like famously the largest penis in comedy.

Oh, yes. But you feel like you want to go the other way. You know what? You'll want to be known for something. Sure. I've got a tiny dick. Really small. Have you guys heard the possibly apocryphal story about Milton Berle and the young comedian

who challenged him? Oh, the only enough to win story? Yeah, you should probably just say the punchline. Right. That's probably the best way to handle this. I hadn't heard it, but I feel like there were spoilers in what Jordan just said. The punchline is only enough to win. Interesting.

All right. Good. They have a dick contest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Milton Berle says, oh, all right, I'll take it out, but only enough to win. Amazing. Yeah. He's famous for his giant schvons.

Yes. Oh, of course. Kind of monster. Yeah. Monster winky down there. I's famous for his giant schvanz. Yes. Oh, of course. Kind of monster. Yeah. Monster winky down there. I mean, for real. And by down there, I mean six feet under. Right.

The late Milton Berle. Sure. Let's talk exclusively about Milton Berle for the rest of the show. See how much Milton Berle stuff we can do. Just on a thematic level, I would like it. Boy, I think, yeah, we're probably going to start running on fumes pretty soon. Immediately. Yeah, immediately.

And then we're going to go right to, well, he was the guest voice on The Critic once. I've got that his nickname was Uncle Miltie. Yep. Friars roasts. Right, guys? Sure. Jokebook. And we're done.

Initials MB. Too weird looking to be on television? Sure. They had not figured that out yet? Liked wearing dresses on his show? Yes, absolutely. See, we're going. That's what I call.

Look at us. That's what I call broad humor. And it's compelling. You're fired. Thank you. You are fired. Thank you. I needed that.

Please see yourself fired. Oh, man alive. Oh, man alive. How are you doing, Jason Matsoukas? I'm pretty good. How are you, gentlemen? We're doing well. Yeah.

I'm wondering, your podcast, the How Did This Get Made podcast, the theme of which is you guys watching famously bad movies and remarking upon them humorously. Yes. And remarking upon them humorously. Yes. When you see a potentially bad movie coming to theaters like a – I'm going to say a dread 3D. Sure. Is your instinct I have to go out and see that for the podcast or are you like there's no way I'm seeing this. I'll have to watch it for the podcast at some point.

Oh, that's interesting. So, yeah. Well, I'll see – if i see something that looks particularly bad like i remember the trailer for specifically the trailer for drive angry in 3d yes which i have seen drive angry in 3d which i am saying the entire title of drive angry in 3d is the title in 3d is within the title um i was like oh we gotta do that on How Did This Get Made. And then we did. But the new Judge Dredd, I'm torn because it looks almost good. I feel a little bit like that, too. I feel a little bit like.

So I'm like, I might see that normally. And then if it turns out to be a real shit show, suggest it for the show. Okay. But that'll mean having to rewatch it, though, right? Possibly, because i won't have taken notes the first time sure and and people are always like wait you guys take notes jesse you were just on recently and we're like wait you have notes like and the the insanity of like me sitting alone in new york city uh writing notes on the movie smurfs during a packed crowd

with of children watching like preposterous. Do you have one of those pens with a little light on it? I don't. Wouldn't that be amazing, though? Because I think that would be an A+. That would be really weird. That would upgrade you from B-plus to A-plus. For sure.

If you had one of those pens. But I was recently on How Did This Get Made? I guess the episode's upcoming soon. It is. It's a good one. And everyone just busts out their field notebooks. It is as though you are joining a group of birders. Yeah.

I have also been on the show. I brought a moleskine. Yeah. So. And we discussed a movie that we had talked about that you had been in. Oh, yeah, yeah. They did All About Steve on a previous episode. And as you know, I am-

The star? Well, you know, I'm- Second- The romantic lead. I'm the romantic lead. You're the sexual lead. Right, sure. I mean, Bradley Cooper is in it, technically.

But he's a real Uncle Miltie in the looks department. Right, yeah. I bring that sexual heat. That raw sexuality. For two department. Right. Yeah. I bring that sexual heat. That raw sexuality. For two lines. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, we actually got to talk about my whirlwind experience shooting that movie.

Yeah. No, that was good. That's what I love when our show, when we do have people come on or people call in, like, people will find out we talked about their movie. Like, Skyline was one. And then the guy that wrote Skyline was like, hey out we talked about their movie like skyline was one and then the guy that wrote skyline was like hey you talked about my movie i want to call in and like rebut what you guys said you know yeah i like that part of it you like that oh i love that i would not

like that that would make me very uncomfortable well see i like that element of it though i like that it's a little uncomfortable that it gets a little that there's a weirdness to it you know i like that yeah well you know i think i think something that's great about little uncomfortable, that it gets a little, that there's a weirdness to it. You know, I like that. Yeah. Well, you know, I think, I think something that's great about your show is that you guys are all like working actors, you know, and, uh, and I know, and like you have, you know, it's your job, so you have to do movies. And I think that, you know, because of that, because it is your job, you're not dicks about it. Like, it's fun to, like, laugh about a movie. But I think that sometimes, you know, when non-actors talk about bad movies, they can be dicks about it.

But you guys are always nice. And, like, I think. Yeah. I think we're trying to, like. It less is a movie. It's less a show about us, like, just ripping on bad, like, mocking them as much as it is us, I think, kind of celebrating how bad they are. Sure. Or celebrating how bad they are or how crazy they are in the case of like the Crank movies or Nick Cage movies.

And then being just utterly confounded by how bad they are if it's like Green Lantern. Yeah. You know, Green Lantern is a legitimate, like I have no problem being like, it is an absolute epic failure of a movie. Yeah. And I love comic book movies. I like everybody in it. I think it's, you know, it is garbage, you know?

I have no problem saying that. It is literally garbage. And that's, I think that's kind of it. Like, I don't think we go in like looking to like rip people apart or be like these writers are terrible or this director is awful

or whatever more to us is just like what is amazing about this you know it's the bees the bees in Wicker Man you know

or whatever you know it's funny you mentioned Drive Angry 3D we've talked a little bit about late period Nicolas Cage on the show I think that's the first movie where it's like, okay, it's like with the Wicker Mans and the, you know, I don't want to say Bad Lieutenant because that's in its own little zone.

That's such a good movie though. Yeah, Bad Lieutenant is great. That's a great movie. But, you know, like with the Wicker Mans, it's Nicolas Cage being cast in this bad movie and then just, you know, acting the shit out of it. Oh, yeah. Ghost Rider is a good example. Season of the Witch is one. Season of the Witch.

Yeah. But Drive Angry is, I think, the first one where they wrote a movie based on late period Nicolas Cage. It's like, hey, you know, this movie is as crazy as he is acting. And I think that's the only one so far. Yeah. Like, is he going to drink a beer out of a guy's skull? Yeah. Yeah, he he going to drink a beer out of a guy's skull? Yeah. Yeah, he's going to do that.

Yeah. Is he going to fuck a woman with all of his clothes on while smoking a cigar? Yep. Yes. And getting into a gunfight. Oh, yes. Also getting into a gunfight. When you say late period Nicolas Cage, he's 55-ish.

Yeah. Are you predicting his imminent death? I mean, either he'll die tomorrow or he will outlive us all. One of the two. Nothing would make me happier than the revelation that this is mid-period Nicholas Cage. Oh, yeah. Maybe. He's still got places to go.

Oh, my God. What about space movies? Holy shit. Oh, yeah. Has he been to space? Well, no. These are not movies set in space. These are movies filmed in space for a space audience.

Oh, so like an intergalactic. It's a FUBU for space people. It's like a real five quadrant movie. Yeah. It's all four quadrants here on Earth. Younger and older men and women intergalactic. They prefer to be called space folk. Space folk, of course.

They're not technically people, so it's better to call them. Except for the space aristocracy, who do not appreciate that kind of folksiness. That's true. I mean, it sounds like this movement will have its own Tyler Perry, probably. Yeah, and I think that it could be Nicolas Cage. What if Nicolas Cage was inspired by Tyler Perry to bring all the production and writing and directing in-house under the Cage umbrella? There is a world in which Nicolas Cage could legitimately start doing movies in blackface and people would be like, yep, I'm cool with that. I feel like he could do it. I think he transcends race, too.

He transcends species. Sure. This might be apocryphal, but there's a very prominent rumor that he was going to play the bad guy in the Green Hornet, the Seth Rogen Green Hornet, and would only do it if he could do it in a Jamaican accent. And everybody was like, no. No, you can't do that. And he was like, oh, then I don't want to do the movie. I apologize if this is a duplicate story,

but it's relevant to the conversation. I have a buddy who works in post-production and he talked about they did test screenings for the new Ghost Rider movie, the newer Ghost Rider movie. There's multiple Ghost Rider movies? There are two Ghost Rider movies. Well, because of the success of the first one?

Well, you know, the first one was kind of in that first wave of comic book movies where people would just see any comic book movie. And you get really shitty ones like Daredevil and Elektra and all these movies. And, you know, a weird rule that I heard is that Marvel, you know, kind of the thing is like, eh, it's kind of a weird choice

the heroes they pick to be in the Avengers. It's because they only have the rights to so many of their own heroes. But if people don't make movies with the heroes, they lose the license

and it reverts back to Marvel. So that's, I guess, why you see all these, you know, that's why they're like, why are they rebooting Daredevil? Nobody liked it the first time just so they don't lose the license and it reverts back to Marvel. So that's, I guess, why you see all these, you know, that's why they're like, why are they rebooting Daredevil? Nobody liked it the first time, just so they don't lose the license. It literally is, because if they don't make that movie, Marvel gets it back. Yeah, so I think that's a similar way.

And they're right now, like, in a whole negotiation, trying to, like, they swap characters, too. They're like, okay, well, you can keep the license for this longer if you give us back, you know, the Silver Surfer or whatever. You know, there's all this jockeying for character position in that world. That's how come Spider-Man can't be in any of the Marvel movies, right? Yeah, because Sony is Spider-Man. And it's not just that. So, like, Fantastic Four, whoever owns Fantastic Four owns all of the Fantastic Four, like...

Related characters. Yeah, Silver Surfer, Galactus, all the characters related to- Even the crazy ones from the 70s? Maybe. That's a good question. I don't know about that. But that's why you get weird aggregations of heroes and people appearing in movies, and then obvious choices not appearing in movies because they belong to somebody else.

Isn't there a long – I'm not mistaken in thinking that like late 60s, early 70s, Fantastic Four went through a long period of space mysticism, right? Yes. Well, this is like the – I think Marvel was into space mysticism at that point in general. Oh, okay. Excellent. Yeah, yeah.

That's I feel like the Jack Kirby kind of like crazy era of like what they call Kirby Crackle is like all the – and the Kirby dots are those like black dots that like signify like all these different kind of space stuff and it's very psychedelic and crazy and it's definitely Fantastic Four stuff. Okay. Excellent. Oh, it's okay. So my buddy was talking about the test screenings for Ghost Rider.

The second one. The second one. The second one. Which? Spirit of Vengeance. Footnote, Neville Dean and Taylor directed, who are the guys that directed the Crank movies. Yes. Who we love. Yes, they're terrific.

And this movie is not a terrific movie, though. How dare you? I'm sorry. So the test screenings- You're going to have to take that up with Roger Ebert, our nation's most beloved film critic. I think he probably – He probably. Yeah.

So in the test screening, sometimes the special effects won't be ready and somebody will come to the front of the theater at the test screening and say like, hey, just so you know, this is an early draft. Some of the special effects won't be in there. So just note that when you're filling out your questionnaire at the end. So some of the Nicolas Cage fire skull heads weren't ready. But on the set, Nicolas Cage insisted on painting his face like a skeleton. So what they saw instead of this cool special effect was Nicolas Cage acting like an insane person with his face painted in like voodoo paint. I would pay hundreds of dollars to see that. Just release that. Release that on the DVD.

That should be on the DVD. I know. Oh, that's amazing. Skeleton edition. Yeah. And yeah, so I guess he was just, you know, and he doesn't have to act because his head is replaced by a CGI effect, but I guess he was just going crazy with this face painting. So all the test scores for that movie were super, super low, apparently, because people

are like, what is this? Anyway. Well, I think that's important. I mean, you hear that from film actors all the time. The actor who takes the time to give you something for their reaction shot is the actor who's truly committed to their craft. Sure, that's true. If we know anything about nicholas

cage he is a craftsman oh yes he's got he's got a refined aesthetic yeah that he is committed to and he believes in the integrity of the filmic world oh yes a cultivated insanity yeah to be represented on celluloid for time immemorial. Yeah, and to him, like, Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance is no different than Adaptation. Oh, yeah. Yeah, these movies are of comparable quality. Well, he brought a Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance-like quality to Adaptation. That's true. I remember watching Adaptation and thinking, wow, Nick Cage sure is going ape in this movie.

Like, he is not, there's no not Nick Cage in this. Right. I think that was around the point when I realized that Nicolas Cage had decided to commit himself to full-time, passionate 100% Nicolas Caging. That there was going to be no more hedging of bets or moderating of choices. No more honeymoon and Vegas-ing around. Yeah, exactly. percent nicholas caging that there was going to be no more hedging of bets or moderating no more honeymoon vegasing around yeah exactly like that he would just be commit to madness in all that he did yeah and then bad lieutenant port of call new orleans is when i was like oh hang on he's now lost

his mind yeah right and he's teamed up yeah and he's finally found a director who has also lost his mind. Werner Herzog directing Nicolas Cage with Val Kilmer as his supporting role, this is like a home run of insanity. Sure. The movie's amazing. Yeah, well, man. Yeah, right. I could see how they would bring in, it's like, okay, well, here's the catering you ordered, and it's a guy pulls back a steam tray filled with spiders. Yeah, I would believe that. How come there's not more Werner Herzogs in the world?

Where are the Werner Herzogs? That's what I want to know. It's so prolific. Werner Herzog puts out so many movies. It's amazing. Yeah. I would like to live in a world. I don't want everyone to be Werner Herzog, but I would like some Werner Herzogs.

Most to be. Why sprinkling of Werner Herzogs? You go to the bank, there's five tellers. One of them is pushing the limits of the relationship between man and nature. Listen, I believe that on a daily basis, I should run across somebody who I could legitimately describe as Herzogian. I think it's a tightrope. I think to be that crazy but also functional is just rare. I agree.

And that's why I want more of it in the world. You go to like – you watch television. There's five weathermen, right? There's five weathermen in your local market. NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox, My Network or whatever that thing is called. Yep. The CPN. What is it called? Yep. The CPN, what is it called? Yep, the CPN.

The CPA. Let's just call it CPN. It's the network purely for accountants. Yep. And maybe a local news channel or something like that. Probably a PBS. You get, what do you get? You get two hot chicks, two genial old men, and one guy who's trying to create lightning.

You know what I mean? Like that's the mix. So you get four normals, one Herzogian. Yeah, that'd be great. Right? I would like that guy. That guy would think he could create the weather. Yeah, absolutely.

What about this? You get in a cab, four times out of five, it's a normal cab. One time out of five, the guy has a pet wolverine sitting on the passenger seat. I'm into that. I mean, I think they should get the regular weather girl to co-host with the Herzogian weatherman.

Sure. So, you know, you have maybe, you know, an Asian woman with a ludicrous boob job. And she's alongside this madman. Yeah. I want to know more about this Asian woman with a ludicrous boob job. Well. I'm into this. Her boobs are huge.

Because that just came out of your mouth like you've talked about it before. I mean, I guess I'm just going with weather woman stereotypes. Jordan has a sexual world that he's created in his mind. Yeah. And I say it like you're all there, too. Sure. Because you are sometimes. It's a sort of Henry Darger-like thing.

It's almost an outsider art type situation. It's the Vivian girls. And, you know, I understand they're at war with their small penises. Sure. I live in, like, a closet space. Yep, yep. We will all, when you die, discover reams and reams of decades and decades of art that you've created. And it's mostly Asian weather girl themed.

Right. Big, ludicrous boob jobs. And it's mostly Asian weather girl themed. Right. Ludicrous boob job. And they're in a war against the horse people. They're led by, of course, General Werner Herzog. Right, yes. Who also has a ludicrous boob job. Yeah. But yeah, I think they would make a good pair.

I mean, she can make some non-joke about like, well, it looks like it's going to rain this weekend. Hope you all didn't plan any picnics. And he can say something like, no one can ruin my picnic because it is made of nightmares. There's a scene in Encounters at the End of the World, the Werner Herzog documentary about Antarctica, where he's talking to a scientist who works with penguins. Like, the guy works with penguins. It is kind of shy, though, so, you know,

Werner Herzog's voiceover is commenting on he didn't really want to talk and blah, blah, blah. And then you hear Werner Herzog ask the guy this line, which made me laugh,

which I watch this movie all the time. It makes me laugh every time. He goes, Doctor, is there such a thing as insanity in the world of the penguins?

And you see this guy, this guy who's already a weird scientist guy. Already he's been like, he's weird, right? He doesn't talk much. He says weird cryptic things. You see him look at Werner Herzog like, what? What are you talking about? And Werner Herzog keeps pressing him on it. It's hilarious.

Well, when I watched Cave of Forgotten Dreams, I watched it in this screening, you know, like a critic screening and everybody's wearing their 3D glasses. this screening, you know, like a critic screening and everybody's wearing their 3D glasses. And throughout the course of Cave of Forgotten Dreams, which is a spectacular movie, as good as it gets. As good as it gets the movie. Yeah, it is as good as it gets.

No, it is as good as it gets. It is so good. It is retitled and re-released in 3D. The movie is so good, you almost expect the ancient cave walls to be busted through by Greg Kinnear. Yep. Absolutely. Like Kool-Aid style.

Right. Hey, Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah. Right. And it is- But you know that Oh, Yeah was written by James L. Brooks. Oh, so good. But you can tell.

Because it has heart. Yep. Right. James L. Brooks. Oh, so good. But you can tell. Because it has heart. Yep. Right.

The movie is this beautiful meditation on essentially art and its relationship to the nature of humanity. It's how I would summarize this film. Very well done.

It is a spectacular movie. I couldn't recommend it more highly. Even, it was amazing in 3D. If you've got like a 3D TV and a 3D Blu-ray player

or whatever it is that people watch things in 3D. You don't have to try and sell us so much gear. Even in 2D, I think it would still be pretty amazing. But there are Amazon links on your web page that you can buy all of these things at. Sure. Samsung. Go to Samsung.com. Slash Jordan and Jesse go.

But it's a spectacular, beautiful, moving, meditative film. And then at the end, there's a scene, spoiler alert, with some albino alligators. Yep. And there's been nothing about albino alligators to that point. There is a coda to the film featuring albino alligators where Werner Herzog wonders what the albino alligators of the future will think about the cave paintings of the past in the future. There's a great Werner Herzog interview on Fresh Air for Bad Lieutenant Port of Call, New Orleans. And he's talking about how he didn't develop the movie. It came to him. And he said, but I added certain Herzogian elements.

You know, he says the word Herzogian elements. And then, you know, Terry Grosser, whoever is subbing, whoever has, is like, oh, like what? And he's like, well, all of the iguanas in the movie I added and also a scene with a dead alligator. It's great. And then you watch the movie, and there is a scene that just cuts, inexplicably, cuts from the characters on the street talking to each other. And then it cuts to the point of view of an alligator off the side in the water, just looking at them. As if that's like a legitimate point of view to cut to in the movie. You didn't go to, see, that's the thing. You didn't go to film school.

If you had gone to film school, you would have learned about APOV shots or alligator point of view shots. It seems like that came, like some, he was, you know, Werner Herzog was drunk in some bar. Yep. And someone told him, drunkenly, it's like said, I bet you could never attach a camera to an alligator and he just said fuck you I'm gonna make a movie

yeah god what a beautiful man what a beautiful man one time probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to me in my entire life was I had this I did this interview with him and there was all these weird shitty things going on. They like cut the length of the interview, like five minutes before

we were going to start. And we had to set up our equipment super fast and it went fine. He's an amazing, amazing guy, but I was, I had been sort of disappointed by the experience. And then maybe three or four weeks later, and we had to do it in a, we had to do it in like a hotel suite, which is often the case with these movies. They make you go to a hotel suite. And so three or four weeks later, I had an interview scheduled with his son, Rudolf, who wrote a book about humor in Nazi Germany. What else? Wow.

What else? It's weird that he's not the craziest member of his family yes can you imagine if your dad is verner yeah yeah i the the interview with the interview with rudolph was great there was this moment where he said where i at where he said like the best part about the book was finishing it because it made him so sad and i I was like, geez, Louise, yeah, well, it's the Nazis. They were pretty awful. So anyway, I get this. I'm waiting for Rudolf Herzog to come.

And the doorbell rings. I walk down. My house is sort of on a hill. And there's a stairway down to the front gate. I get down to the front gate. And my fence is like cement because it's also, what's that called, a retaining wall. Because you are a doomsday prepper. Yeah.

Right? Exactly. So your house is like a compound that you're afraid that people are going to crash into. Oh, yeah. And then I put down the drawbridge. Yep. Nice. No, but so I saw Rudolph there.

The convoy can roll through with the water they've been collecting out on the Badlands. Exactly. So I open the gate and I say, hi, Rudolph, I'm Jesse. We shake hands. And then sort of from around the corner comes Werner. Amazing. And I'm like, what? And he's like, this is my dad, Werner.

And I was like, oh, we just met a couple weeks ago. And so Werner Herzog, I had to do this whole interview while Werner Herzog watched us and simultaneously went through your trash exactly that's amazing but it was the most

amazing thing ever that like Werner Herzog came to my like all I've had you know until four months ago I did my show

at my house and so everyone that was on my show came to my house but for some reason while you're doing the interview I'll be downstairs making love to your wife.

Yeah. I will ruin her. During the interview, I have made a documentary about you in this interview. It was like one of the most magical moments of my life. And it made me – that and that video of him getting shot in the middle of an interview and wanting to continue doing it made me want to bring more Werner Herzogs into the world. That's why I'm trying to... Are you familiar with... That's why you keep having sex with him, right?

Yeah. Have you guys heard of Todd Marinovich? He was the quarterback for the Raiders for a time. There was a recent documentary film called The Marinovich Project, and he was raised from infancy to be a professional football quarterback. So his father was a football coach and a former football player and essentially trained him throughout his life, six hours a day or something like that, to be a football quarterback. And he was a star in college but failed in the NFL. And I'm running a sort of Werner Herzogian version of the Marinovich project

on my son, Simon. So good. So I'm trying to expose him to any, you know, just any kind of conflict between man and nature I can come up with. The more epic, the better. We will just drop him in a sand dune and see what happens. We'll put him on an ice floe with a few penguins and a polar bear. You try and build animosity between him and his best friend. Yes. Absolutely. I've been trying to build up his Werner Herzog-iness. I made him eat a hat.

Nice. So all kinds of – and I think it's really starting to work well no you are making a serial killer we're raising yeah we're raising him bilingual english and english with a heavy german accent yeah um so we also speak with a heavy german accent at home yeah yeah maybe spending a little time with byling. Biling. Yeah. Making him bilingual. It's really, it's going well. I think it's really going to. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, either you'll raise a great, you know, director of both documentary and narrative films or a raving homeless man.

Sure. One of the two. Or a sort of combo like Werner Herzog. Right. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

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Where can I bury a body in this field? You know what? I was looking for a fun park to play with my baby in and I searched for that on Ask Matterfilter. I found some great baby park advice. What a handy use. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, we also have something up on the Jumbotron this week. Uh, Wyerlyn Robotical. Rylon. Rylon, excuse me. Rylon Robotical. Rylon, excuse me. Rylon Robotical. Rylon Robotical.

This is a Kickstarter for a robotical catalog of botanical delivery bots and a book of flower delivering robots. It's a classic flower delivering robot situation. This is amazing. This is a catalog of robots that delivered flowers and only flowers for eight years and then mysteriously disappeared. I think I would like to see a book about these robots. I would enjoy seeing a book about these robots. Go to Kickstarter. It's on Kickstarter. And search for Rylon Robotical.

W-R-Y-L-O-N as in Rye Witt. Yes. W-R-Y-L-O-N, as in Ry Witt. Yes. W-R-Y-L-O-N Robotical. Yeah, let's get that book out there. Let's get that book about flower-delivering robots out there. I mean, this is a can't-miss idea. No. This is something—

Yeah, this is a home run. Guaranteed home run. I'm surprised they didn't— Guaranteed home run. I'm surprised this didn't just go straight to Hollywood super producer Brian Grazer. Mm-hmm. straight to Hollywood super producer Brian Grazer. You'd figure that if somebody had this idea, one of those assistants that is in charge of making sure that Brian Grazer knows about what's cool in the world

would schedule one of his know-about-what's-cool lunches with the creator of Rylon Robotical so that he could plot a movie that starred, I don't know, Will Smith and Clint Howard? Sure. I presume. I mean, they've been looking for a project to do together. They have been.

Ever since they presented together at the Tonys. Rylon Robotical. It's on Kickstarter. W-R-Y-L-O-N. And, hey, if you want to get up on the Jumbot, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jason Manzoukas, allergic to eggs. Are you really? Yes, yes. Is that a thing?

That is a thing. What is it? Although I now realize I just talked about it on another podcast, so I'm like, now I'm the guy that talks about being allergic to eggs on podcasts. Oh, boy. That's my thing. But I am violently allergic to eggs. I mean, it's not a bad thing to be known for.

No, no. It's pretty cool. It's better than, like, Richard Jewell. That guy was. It's pretty cool. It's better than like Richard Jewell. That guy was known for the Olympic bombing and he didn't even do it. Didn't even do it. Yeah. So it's fine. You actually are allergic to eggs.

Yeah. Oh, no. Violently so. Yeah. Oh, viciously. So it's bad. That way nobody's going to serve you any eggs. Nope.

I hope not. Or some cool person is going to egg me. He's going to throw eggs at me like on stage at a live. By the way, why am I giving people this idea? If you going to egg me, is going to throw eggs at me, like on stage at a live. By the way, why am I giving people this idea? If you want to kill me, here is an easy way. Are you allergic to contact with eggs? I will break out. I will break out.

I mean, I wouldn't go into anaphylactic shock, but I would have a localized reaction. What about, can you be around menstruating women? No, no, no. I'm like a bear in that sense. I can smell them and it drives me wild. Wow. Right. Sure? No, no, no. I'm like a bear in that sense. Oh, all right. I can smell them and it drives me wild. Wow. Right.

Sure. Yeah, no, no. They have to go to like a, they have to go to a bleeding shack. Oh, great. If I have a girlfriend, which I don't shockingly. Yeah. Seems crazy. She is on her period.

Seems crazy that you wouldn't have a girlfriend. Yep. Needs to go to a bleeding shack. I mean, it's handsome slash classy as you are. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that, yeah, I think that like, I mean, if there's two things

I know about women is that they often menstruate. Yeah, no, no. More often than I'd like. And they love omelets. Yep. So, I mean, I think you are, that probably puts you

out of the running. Yeah, puts you in what we like to call the friend zone. Oh, boy. Are you still pitching that TV show, The Friend Zone? Yeah, I just want to get it out there, get some buzz going. You know what? Hashtag. Oh, boy. Are you still pitching that TV show, The Friend Zone?

Yeah, I just want to get it out there, get some buzz going. You know what? Hashtag Friend Zone, everybody. That's a cool idea. I hadn't heard about that before, but I'm excited to chat about it and buzz about it online. Yeah. Hashtag Friend Zone, guys. How do you know when you're in it?

Oh, God. Starring Breckin Meyer. Please stop shouting hashtag Friend Zone. You don't have to use the bullhorn. We can hear you. We're right here. All right. Coming this fall to TBS.

We're making 100 episodes in two weeks. Yes, very funny. Hashtag friendzone Breckenmeyer. Hashtag suits. Hashtag suits. Hey, guess what? So I checked my email this morning, and I got an email from a friend of the program who happened to be in town working on a secret show business project with some friends of ours. That's all I can say.

Hashtag friendzone. Breckenmire coming this fall to TBS. I cannot say the nature of this. I cannot reveal any relevant hashtags. All I can say is it's a secret showbiz project with some close friends of ours. We should say that our only friend in show business is Breckenmeyer from the Friend Zone. Coming soon on TBS. Yep.

Presented by Samsung. Samsung.com slash friend zone. Shot in 3D. Pilot directed by Werner Herzog. We have called back everything. No, but our friend Donna, who we went to see in the Olympics, happens to be in town. So I said, are you free this morning? Do you want to come by and visit the studio?

Then when she got to the studio, I was like, oh, we should give her a microphone. Why are we not giving her a microphone? So we gave her a microphone. Hey, Donna, how's it going? Hi. Hi, everyone. It's exciting to have you in the studio here to chat about, you know, Olympics and whatnot. Yeah, it's fun to be in your little anechoic chamber with your lamp.

And the murder hole that you have. We do have. You know, that's a specific detail of the studio that we had not yet described for our audience. I think our audience at this point understands that it's a type of nightmare box that we got at a set auction from one of the later Saw movies. Is that right? No, not literally. But you believe it, right? I would believe it.

Yeah, but it's not off base. But what we haven't described is— But we do make people make ironic moral choices in here. It's not off base. So, but what we haven't described is- But we do make people make ironic moral choices in here. Oh, I love that. And you did position me almost right beneath it and give me a microphone you told me has been close to people's buttholes. Jordan said buttholes. Yeah.

And I said queefs. To catch you, the audience. Yes. Just to be. Before we were recording, I did say that she had the farts and queefs mic. But there's a hole in the ceiling of this recording studio that I think theoretically we should have plugged with acoustic foam. But it's a hole that you could run cables through or run a light through. And Donna immediately locked onto it because she was concerned it was some sort of murder hole.

I mean, if the Huns attack, we're going to need to dump boiling oil on them. Yep, yep, yep. Through that hole? I mean, you know, or just wherever. I would be more nervous that someone is going to hook up something that is going to fill this chamber full of water. Oh, yeah. Through that hole, like from the top.

And then drop an egg in it. Oh, boy. Oh, no. The Manzoukas is fucked. Now we're going to... Poached to death. Oh, boy. Jason, for your benefit, we had Donna on the show, and her Olympic event, the Modern Pentathlete,

isn't one that gets a lot of sponsorship, right? No. So she needed a new- Your laughter tells me that is comedically true. You can go to samsung.com slash godonago. Right. She did get a free 3D television out of the Olympics. So we did a fundraiser because she needed a new laser gun for the pentathlon.

Wait, what now? Laser gun. That's right. So Donna, maybe you can explain why there's a laser gun involved. A laser gun? Yeah. Okay, go. Tell me how this works.

So one of the disciplines in pentathlon, or two of the disciplines are combined together, running and shooting. Sure. Is this like in the Winter Olympics, would you do the biathlon where you cross-country ski and shoot? It's just like that, but running. Yeah. But summer. A summer version.

And instead of a rifle. It's inspired by the same thing. Got it. Just as the biathlon is supposed to be like the skills of an alpine soldier, the pentathlon is the skills of a cavalry person. Got it. I love that. And cavalry people had laser guns back in the day.

Yeah, it's a sci-fi. It's kind of for space folk, I would think. Sure. Continuing the callbacks. Sure. So we raised some money to buy the laser gun. Maximum gun. Maximum gun.

Yeah, and then some. I guess we want to know how did it work out there? Oh, well, you were there, and it was amazing. And the gun worked well. The last round was five for five. We have to shoot five targets each round. How many rounds? Three rounds.

Okay. Yeah, the last round was the best round. And what's the distance you're running in between rounds? One kilometer. Wow. Yeah, that's a heck of a distance. And in London, we got to run over the Meridian Line, which was really cool. Now, what does that mean when you run over?

Does that mean that you participated in this event on two different days? Am I getting this correct? It goes with the sci-fi theme. Oh, gotcha. Right, time travel. It's like Source Code, if you guys have ever seen Source Code. Or the movie 2012.

The Island of the Day Before. Here are a lot of sci-fi movies. Or the Smurfs. It's a lot like the Smurfs. It's a lot like the Smurfs. Starring Breckenmire. Right, is Breckenmire in the Smurfs? No, he's not.

Neil Patrick Harris. Oh, fuck. Skinny, taller Breckenmire. Right? Is Breckenmire in this group? No, he's not. Neil Patrick Harris. Oh, fuck. So, Donna. Skinny, taller Breckenmire. One of the things, we talked about your path to the Olympics a little bit when you were on the show by phone a couple months ago. is that you had dropped out of competitive athletics for quite a long time between when you quit swimming, which was what you did before, and took up modern pentathlon. And so you are actually, you are like a, you are a grown-up.

You are a grown adult in graduate school. Thank you. Does that mean that this... That sounds a little, you're a grown-up. Oh, yeah, you're all grown-up now, huh? It was a very – Somebody's putting on their big boy pants. It was a creepy uncle thing to say.

You're a grown-up with your laser gun, huh? But does that mean – I guess what I'm wondering is, was this Olympics your sort of be-all and end-all for your competitive modern pentathlon career? Or are you going to continue to do it into the future? I'm definitely continuing. But I'm having some fun with it. So I have to train a little bit more efficiently to keep up with school. bit more efficiently to keep up with school. And I actually have joined the Nordic team to try biathlon and the mountain biking team just to be humbled because it's pretty scary to me. The heights or? Because it's on mountains as I understand it.

Yeah, that's right. Just going up and going down and getting your feet off the pedals when your bike is going one way and you're going the other way. Donna, I know that you took up modern pentathlon sort of on a whim because a friend of yours happened to be on a ranch that had some of the things necessary. But you know that any hobby sport that you pursue will not lead to you competing in the Olympics, right? I just want you to know that right now. Actually, just after the Summer Olympics, some friends of mine and I were out at a bar and we made a little like a side dare bet.

We would try to get to the Winter Olympics in the next six years. Did you look into it? Was it like a Geena Davis situation where Geena Davis like scanned the variety of available sports and chose archery specifically because she thought she could make the Olympics in it? Yeah, a little bit like that, but there's four of us instead of just one of us. And if one of us makes it, the other three have to be there in solidarity to watch. But you guys also want to produce a reboot

of Cutthroat Island. Is that also in your bar bet? And have all joined Mensa. You know those Geena Davis bar bets you make just before closing time. You're wasted. You're just running through Geena Davis movies. You're talking about a league of their own. Do you have snow experience, Donna?

None. None at all? No. Because you come from prairie country? Right, up in Canada. We don't have snow. Right. Well, that's what I'm wondering.

Do you, if you, has, sincerely, has the snow? I used to be a snowboarder, but I don't think that's going to help me on skis. Right. With, yeah. Have you ever had a Nordic track? Oh, no. Have you thought about getting a Nordic track? I think we've all thought about it.

That's a stupid question. I don't want to be weird or anything, but I can tell you a pretty heavily used Nordic track. Pretty cheap. You should understand that. You're going to want to wipe it down. No, no. You're going to want to wipe it down. When he says he used his Nordic track.

I have rigged it as a pseudo jerk-off machine. I'm not going to lie. It is pretty heavily crusted over. But I think it will do what you need it to do, which is jerk you off. Presuming that you're a man who needs to jerk off. That's part of a biathlon. It is. It is.

A modern, modern biathlon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very modern. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Modern biathlon. I'm sorry. I was training for the old-timey biathlon. Classic biathlon.

Yeah. Classic biathlon. Skeet sorry. I was training for the old-timey biathlon. Classic biathlon. Yeah, classic biathlon. Skeet shooting and jerking off. Yep. And smoking a cigar. I really like the idea, Donna, of having a little fun with your Olympic training. Like, I think that that probably doesn't come up for too many other Olympians. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't talked to any of them about it.

Okay. So before – when you were on before, we were – we could only speculate about what being in the Olympics was like. So let's talk – let's talk first about the experience outside of competition. So what do you eat? You know what I mean? Where do you sleep? Okay. I just feel like you're leading towards something else.

But for eating and sleeping, we want to talk about the Olympic sex village. I do want to talk about that. But answer Jesse's real questions first. When we were at the Olympics, we met Donna's very nice, very brilliant, very handsome boyfriend. And I think that if anyone was intimate, it was she and him. But we're not going to ask about that. That would be rude. Yeah.

We're not rude. Right. We're anything if not rude. No, no, no. We talk about sophisticated things. Jackoff machines. When you have a sophisticated lady on the queef mic, you don't want to be rude. You don't.

You're right. You guys are right. Oh, sorry. No, there's a world between vulgar and rude. It's different. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I intend to shatter what exists between those two worlds.

So do you – okay, here's my first question. Do you exclusively have to eat at the world's largest McDonald's? You get to eat at this amazing warehouse. It would be – if you joined together, I guess, four airport hangers and filled it with all kinds of individual food stalls with different choices, buffet style. And in that mixture is a giant McDonald's. And you can eat there. You can eat as much and as often as you'd like. And in addition to that, there are little stalls scattered around the village that don't sell.

They give away for free basically what you would find at a nicer cafe. So a latte or a cappuccino or an espresso, or you could also grab a little kind of fruit packet to go or some yogurt or sandwich. I would think that as part of training for the Olympics and everything, there would be a component of it wherein you're trying to eat healthy. You're trying for some for some events like you have to be like very vigilant about what you eat and and all that. So that are there options like that or because like the idea that there is like a food like

Olympic food court is like, well, I well, I have to I have to compete in a couple of hours. I guess I'll just get some Sbarro to go and just cram down a little Panda Express. Maybe grab an Orange Julius. Oh, now you're talking. Get some Sbarro to go. I'll just cram down a little Panda Express. Exactly. Maybe grab an Orange Julius. Oh, now you're talking. So it was – there were abundantly many healthy choices alongside with the abundantly many unhealthy choices. And I think that that catered to the two extremes of what the athletes who were there wanted because there was sort of a dividing line between pre-competition and post-competition.

Sure. And so you can imagine the binges that were happening post-competition. The sexual binges. In addition to the sexual binges and the food binges. Is it like, here's a question, a very sincere question about living in this world. Jordan and I were RAs.

And as RAs, resident advisors in college. And as resident advisors. So we know a lot about decadence, binges. Yeah. I mean, we had a pretty spectacular lifestyle. But as a resident advisor, one of your responsibilities is that you have to stay in college housing through the end of the year. And that means that while everyone in college is going home because they took their last final exam, you have to stick around. And you get to see this weird culture of some people are there because they still have final exams.

Some people are just there because whatever, their lease hasn't started in their new apartment or they have nowhere to go or whatever. And so you see this clash of people who are trying to do something really, really important, which in this case was you because your competition was on the final day. That's right. With people who just give fuck all about anything

and are just setting off fireworks in the halls. And have been waiting to do it for four years. Yeah. It seems like there would be a lot of pent-up partying, you know? Definitely. And it's pent-up for a number of reasons. And I think that's a really good analogy because the Olympic Village is a lot like a campus.

And it's set up that way. A lot of hacky sack. And it's also full of... Ultimate Frisbee. Ultimate Frisbee. Acoustic guitar jams. Fortunately, no. It's also full of 21-year-olds, right?

Like, lots of these sports, like, your athletic peak comes when you're 21, like a tennis player or whatever. Yeah, I think the age range is a little bit wider and a little bit older than most college first year athlete students. But yes, it's not unlike

that atmosphere for sure. So how did you experience that? So I had a bit of an anthropologist hat on because I had to stay till the end and because the competition was on the very, very, very last day, the very last minute. And so I just got to observe and talk to people and be the sober one.

And just it's not a bad position to be in if you're just curious about humanity and just. Who is the coolest, who is the coolest non-Canadian athlete that you met? Who is the most fascinating person that you got to talk to? Well, I think Mark Tewksbury, who was actually our chef de mission. So he has competed. He's an ex-athlete. But that's 20 years ago. And he was there leading us.

And he was just such an interesting guy. And he was always up before everyone and still up late at night but it was almost uh i don't know what the right metaphor is for someone who has unending energy at 8 a.m he believe it's a vampire pretty sure you're talking to some sort of undead, immortal vampire. I don't know. I should just follow that up. You know what? I encourage you to follow it up, but at your own risk.

Just have a garland of garlic and a steak with you while you're investigating this. So wait, what is this? Maybe pull back your hair to expose your neck. See if that does anything to you. So what did you say this guy's job is? He was sort of like our leader. Oh. Of the Canadian team.

Of the Canadian team. So he's like the Woody Harrelson character in Hunger Games. He kind of leads you guys. He trains you a little bit. Lovable drunk. Lovable drunk. Or would you say he's more like the Woody Harrelson character in Cheers where he serves you drinks. He's a lovable bumpkin.

I mean, I think we should also bring up White Men Can't Jump while we're running with this. I'm going to go ahead and say it. He hustles you in basketball games. Probably like a Woody Harrelson in Rampart situation where he's a vicious, racist L.A. police detective. Or was it like a Woody Harrelson in real life situation where he's always stoned in really inappropriate contexts and always climbing up bridges to unfurl hemp banners. Yep.

Does Woody have any vampire traits? Oh, yeah. Oh, so interesting. It's such an interesting question. He doesn't exactly. He doesn't really. You know, he'd like a lot of vampires, at least that I've seen in film and television. He's a very handsome man.

Oh, yes. Did you at all have an opportunity to do a shot with Ryan Lottke? I didn't. You know, I was keeping an eye out for him and a few other people because I had in mind that I would play rock, paper, scissors with them or some variation on that so I could say I beat them. Oh, yeah. At the Olympics.

That's right. Yeah. I like that, but it didn't work out? It didn't. I just sort of, it fell off the list of things to do. Are there Olympians at the Olympic Village who are celebrities to other Olympians? Is that a thing? That's definitely a thing.

Yes. Talking about, what are we talking about? We're talking about like Carl Lewis? Yes. What are we talking about? We're talking about like Carl Lewis? Yes. And you just see, you know, yeah, I guess there are different levels of that Olympic excitement. So there are definitely athletes there who are jostling to get a picture in the opening ceremonies next to or of somebody there they really look up to. Sometimes they're heroes because of their athletic abilities and sometimes they're just fans of popular people.

When you would see other modern pentathletes around in the food hall or in the hallway or whatever, would you try and psych them out? Would you try and get in their heads? Just somehow play psychological games on them. Like you put it like you hold up two fingers and you put it on your forehead like it means something. Yeah, I like that. In your country. Or just like saying something kind of hard to hear to them like, and when they say what, you go, what? Or what about this?

Like you see them and you go, sphincters as well. Classic. Or you see them and you're like, oh, you made it. Oh, that's cool. I heard you dropped out. Yeah. Oh, it's so cool you made it. Oh, you made it? Who on your team got hurt?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Who are you reporting? Really underlining that. I know a lot about Olympic slams. We should have had this conversation before Donna went to the Olympics. Oh, yeah. We're being really useful.

Yeah, Olympic skills 101. Oh, yeah. Psychological warfare. Man, six years from now, you're going to be in the biathlon and you're going to know what to do. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I really think we, as three, you know, kind of dumpy, out of shape guys, have a real future in training Olympians. We get it.

Yeah. I don't know who this guy is that you idolize who is your team leader. Fire him. Hire us. Yeah. We're going to be is that you idolize who is your team leader. Fire him. Hire us. Yeah. We're going to be a chef de mission. Yeah, there we go. Usually it's one person.

So would you guys sort of like band together and put one suit on together? Yeah. If we need to do. Absolutely. Like the little rascals. Yeah, sure. Like one on each other's shoulders. A very tall man.

Like a tall trench coat. You know, to blend in. Of course I have a ticket right here. Me, the one person, one ticket for one man. As long as it's okay if we peer around a few corners while we're there. I don't see a problem with it. Sure. Yeah, I think, I say get rid of this Tewksbury guy.

What did he ever do besides be a starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals? Yeah, I give him the heave-ho. Aside from being like a suburban Boston, the name of a suburban Boston town. I don't know what this guy's done. This guy sounds like, frankly, this guy sounds like the word literally. I mean this sincerely. The worst chef de mission I've ever heard about in my entire life. You are literally disrespecting the one person that Donna said she really enjoyed meeting.

You're really going after him. I know you're just angling for his job, so I'm going to shake it with a grain of salt. Yeah, well, I mean, the fact of the matter is this guy does not have cold weather experience. I do. I've been to Lake Tahoe. Okay. I've been. I've skied with double skis, the skinny kind.

You know what I'm talking about from skiing? This is just bragging, frankly. This is just bragging. Sorry, but I've been to Sugar Bowl. I got a lift ticket. I went on a mountain. I learned to do the snow plow. Okay. I'm an expert snow plow. Okay.

I'm an expert at winter sport. Okay. This guy, all this guy knows is sun and surf. Yeah. If you want somebody to give you some surf and turf. Yeah. Like all Canadians. Like all Canadians.

He knows sun and surf. This guy knows. You want somebody to braid your hair into cornrows? Get Tewksbury. Okay. want somebody to braid your hair into cornrows get tooksbury okay you want somebody that knows how to cross country ski and shoot a rifle i'm your guy yeah you know that he was the chef de mission for the summer olympics right yeah well that's but that's why he's ill-suited for your future athletic pursuits because you're going winter now oh you're coming with us to the winter

oh yeah yeah no no we're in for winter we don't fuck around with summer you know what like because athletic pursuits because you're going winter now. Oh, you're coming with us to the winter Olympics. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. We're in for winter. We don't fuck around with summer. You know what? Because we're at the beach. Winter is coming. That's our motto.

We're at the beach hanging out. Winter Olympics, that's our jam. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mittens. Scarves. Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa.

Ooh. Did this guy... Okay. And answer me honestly here, because I don't want any bullshit from you, Donna, okay? Did this guy give you any hot cocoa during the course of the Olympics that you participated with him?

No. Okay. Let me ask you another question. Let me ask you another question. Did you win a gold medal? No. Well, here we go. There you go. That's just simple math. Well, here we go. There you go. That's just simple math. That's just simple math.

It's just like, it all adds up now. Oh, man. Okay, now I want to talk about the actual competition because you had to be there and focused on this competition for literally the entire Olympics. It's going on around you and your event was the last one. In fact, they went from, everyone went from

the medal ceremony at the modern pentathlon and ran off to do their end of the Olympics ceremony. You know the classic, the Olympics, their famous

end of the Olympics ceremony? Yeah. We all know what you're talking about because that's what it's called. The E-O-O-C. Sure. End of Olympic Ceremony. Yeah. We all know what you're talking about because that's what it's called. The E-O-O-C. Sure. End of Olympic Ceremony.

Everybody knows it. Yeah, sure. You should have just said the EOC. That's not to be confused with the E-L-O-C, which is the Electric Light Orchestra Ceremony. That's what they used to open the Olympics. Right. Or the E-L-O-W, Electric Ladies of Olympics. Right. Or the ELOW, Electric Ladies of Wrestling. Right.

Okay, so. Where they wrestle 70s prog rock band ELO. Yep, yep. Jeff Lynn puts on a bikini. As long as it's not on the same night and they have good signage. Yes. Right. As long as it's not on the same night and they have good signage.

Yes. Right. So, Donna, you did all five of these events in the same day. Has that always been the case that all of them were done in the same day or were they spaced out before? There was a time where they were spaced out. It was a long time ago, though. And the sport has changed in a lot of its format ways. And so, yes, they used to be spaced out. It was a long time ago, though. And the sport has changed in a lot of its format ways. And so, yes, they used to be spaced out. But when they were that way, each event was a little bit heftier. They did more of everything. So was it, I mean, what is it like to,

tell me about how you felt when you showed up for the first thing that you did. I know swimming and fencing was first, right? Yes, in the morning. When you like stood at the starting line or whatever the equivalent is for fencing or swimming, what did it feel like? So we arrived at this building called the Copper. And we got into our fencing uniforms. We got warmed up in a separate room, not the room where we'd be competing. And then they're like, swimming is first. So then you had to dive in the water.

That's dumb. So they really saved the moment where we were about to compete in the first event in the fencing. They saved even the moment of us. So they had kept the warm-up completely separate. So it means that we walked in for that very first moment where they called our names and we walked into this big stadium. And there were people looking down and cheering. And you could see flags all around in the stands. And it was a very powerful, emotional moment at the beginning of the day.

It's orchestrated really well. I cried a bunch of times. Did you feel like crying at any point? That is the point where actually there was a little tear in my eye. Is it such that you could now, if you wanted to try and become

simply an Olympic fencer? Like, could you now, would you specialize in one thing or another? Or is it always cumulatively you want to be doing, like, the pentathlon? Or going toward a spy career or something. Something, or going toward a spy career. Or a Bond villain, becoming a Bond villain. That's what we've been pitching, Donna. We've been pitching a sort of CIA-type situation.

Oh, I love this. Like an ultra, or, I mean, Donna, I don't know if you've considered this, but if you can't convince the Canadian CIA, the CCIA, to allow you to be a super spy, perhaps you could follow the example of national gymnastics champion Kurt Thomas. Ooh. gymnastics champion Kurt Thomas and combine pentathlon with karate and produce a fictional film set in large part the village of the crazies where you take on enemies using your modern pentathlon skills. The movie you're referencing is Gymkata. I just want to say it's Gymkata for people who are like, what's he talking about? Please go rent the movie Jim Cotta.

Yeah. And there was a movie made, I'm not sure how long ago, with Dolph from He-Man called Pentathlon. So actually that territory has been covered already. Why did we know this? Why did we know this? Why didn't you tell us this a long time ago? Where he's a pentathlete? Yeah, he uses his, it's sort of a pentathlete gone awry, and he uses his training for-

A rogue pentathlete? Oh, boy. Wow. Gotta watch that. That's amazing. I mean, that's a problem. Pentathletes go rogue. Oh, yeah.

Oh, for sure. That's so funny. How did you feel? You've seen it. I've seen parts of it. Oh, okay. I watched it all the way through. Yeah.

He used to show up- Because you only watch it until you're orgasmed, and then it. Oh, okay. I watched it all the way through. He used to show up. Because you only watch until you're orgasmed, and then you're like, oh, I'm done. Why keep watching this? I was on my Nordic track. Yeah. Nice callback. Yep. Let's wait.

So he was hanging around to get into character? He wasn't there at the Olympics, but he has come to pentathlon competitions in the U.S. in the past and sort of been around. Is he like a major – he's the pentathlon celebrity. Sort of like how Jay Leno is the steam-powered car celebrity. I guess so, yes. Dolph Lundgren, too. All denim. Yeah.

Denim head to toe. He's a very modest man in a lot of ways. He only spends his gig money. He keeps all his- Expendables money in the bank. Yeah. So I want to get back to this competition. When you are training for this competition, obviously your goal is, anytime you're training for a competition, your goal is to win. But were you thinking when you stepped up to the starting line, like,

let's do this gold medal? Actually, I was thinking, this is so amazing. My family's here and my friends are here. So I was a little distracted by that, I guess. What about during the course of it? I mean, I wondered and, you know, for those who don't know, Donna did quite well, but was sort of in the middle of the pack in a big field of people. I'm sincerely wondering, like, did you go into this thinking what I want out of this experience is to win? Because I think a lot of people that are athletes at that level, that's a big motivator for them, right? Right. You know in your heart you can win, and I knew that in my heart. And then you set goals, though.

If you set the goal to win, it doesn't help you achieve it. So your goals are more of quantifiable kind of checklist kinds of goals of things that are smaller and under your control. There are things like to hit certain splits in the swim or to get a certain percentage in the fence and to ride a certain way in the ride. So it wasn't – there wasn't this – It's kind of like it's just like a math problem more than it is a vision board motivation thing. Yeah, that you are better at, that you are leaning more heavily on like, oh, I might not have done as well as I wanted in fencing, but I know I'm going to crush in swimming or whatever, however it breaks down. Yes, definitely. There's a bit of that. And everyone has.

We know each other. We see the athletes who are at the Olympics. We've seen them for the last four years on a regular basis. There's sort of a, in the world, there's sort of top 200 people, but you'll see the top 100 over and over. And by the time it gets closer and closer to the Olympics, you have a pretty good idea of who it's going to be. So this group of people, you know them really well. You know who has strengths and what. has strengths in what. So on the day, if someone maybe finishes in the middle of the pack in fencing, but normally they finish first in fencing, that's an opportunity that other people

will jump in and take over and vice versa. Someone might be in the middle of the pack in fencing, but normally they're at the bottom. And so know, they're having a really good day and that sets them up for later. I mean, one of the things that I would struggle with emotionally, I think, is I can imagine gearing myself up for a competition. Like if I was running a 100 meter race, I can imagine going up to the starting line, throwing all of my emotions into that 100 meters, and then being done with it at the end, whether I won or lost, right? But one of the really intense things about what I saw you and the other competitors in Modern Pentathlon doing is that this is a day. And so you finish your swimming and you have four more things to do. And the story is being told over the course of this whole day. That must be a huge emotional

weight. Yeah. And you can't look forward or backward. You are sort of stuck in a narrow, narrow kind of corridor of the present. You are in, say, the ride, which is right in a narrow, narrow kind of corridor of the present. You are in, say, the ride, which is right in the middle, sort of. And you are not thinking about what's already happened, at least while you're riding and preparing for the ride, and nor are you thinking about what you have to do next, which is, it's hard as a human being to do that. Truly live in the moment?

It's almost impossible. Right. Well, the moment here expands to fill, say, a two-hour block. So to truly live in a two-hour block. Say, the length of a drive angry in 3D. Sure, sure, sure. Just to use a metaphor. That I understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, did you – were there – were you able to talk to people who had been in this position who could prepare you for what it was going to be like? Because you have competed in innumerable modern pentathlon competitions. But what it would be like to do it in the Olympics? I was fortunate enough to have someone agree to sort of talk to me and mentor me, Lorianne Munzer, who won, she's won world championships, and she's won an Olympic gold medal in track cycling. And so she, we had some sort of heart-to-hearts on the phone before I left, and that was really interesting and really useful.

What did she tell you that was useful? Not to underestimate the mental game, just what a huge component that plays, and specifically to be okay with looking out for myself. And even though it makes a cool sound, don't put baseball cards in your spokes. Right. It's bad for the baseball cards.

They might become valuable. Yeah, it makes a really cool sound. Yeah. Well, she had an amazing experience where both of her wheels were busted right before her race. And coaches from other nations, two separate nations,

each lent her a wheel for her bike. Oh, wow. How neat. There's a scandal going on right now for the American speed skating team where like nine members of the speed skating team have filed official complaints against their coach saying that he is both physically and verbally abusive and has encouraged them to cause, to sabotage. One of them has admitted to cheating at the behest of their coach. Yeah, another skater's skate, which then malfunctioned.

And it's like the whole team is in revolt. Yeah. In fact, they apparently, they not only filed a complaint about this, but they have now filed a lawsuit because they weren't happy with how their complaint was dealt with. Like, geez, Luis, I can only imagine. The lesson here is stay away from the speed skating coach. This guy is bad.

This guy is like the sensei in Karate Kid, sweep the leg, Johnny. This guy may even be worse than Tewksbury. I mean, they're cut from the same cloth. They're from the same duplicitous Olympic. Did you ever, when a lot of events had already finished and you were in the Olympic Village walking around, did you ever walk into a room and it was just some sort of Bacchanalian orgy situation happening where it was just like the swim team was fucking the tennis team and the gymnasts and everything? We're vaulting over everyone.

I think that the sort of loud thumping techno music emanating from certain rooms and or socks on handles kept me out. Was there really socks on handles? Oh, my God. That would be amazing. I have to – I want to get back to the competition and to the part that we saw. We talked about this a few weeks ago on Jordan Jesse Go. But the part that was the most emotionally wrenching for me throughout was the riding. Because I guess you had described to us what it was like. And, you know, the central part of this is that it's people riding horses they haven't ridden before.

But seeing it for all of these competitors, I mean, for the 30 or so that were competing, was completely overwhelming to me because it was such an intense relationship between these people and these horses. When I say intense, I don't mean in the traditional sense of best friends with your horse, but just they've, you know, you get 20 minutes on this horse or whatever. So it's just the highest possible stakes thing with the most emotional stakes. Yeah, that's right. the most emotional stakes. Yeah, that's right. And I know it's so funny because we go so out of our way in sport to make it as, to make the rules

and to create the boundaries that are very well defined to kind of weed out luck and make it so super specific. And then yet you reintroduce into our sport in particular this huge element of chance and it just and at the olympics in particular it just comes to a head it's just and the chance being that you've you're given a horse that you do not know right that's what you

guys said earlier like that is crazy and that is actually i mean the amazing thing about it is that the reason that that happens is because they want to eliminate another thing which is the horse they want it to be about the athlete rather than the horse so the horses are given out as a random draw but to see everyone compete compete with those horses the will of the combined will of the riders and horses was overwhelming to me. I mean like sincerely watching it, it was the most intense sports thing I've ever seen in my life. Right. And it's perceptive of you to pick up on that because it's the horses. So the athletes, you kind of expect that from them.

They're everything. They've already come through two events. This is the third event. expect that from them. They're, they're everything. They've already come through two events. This is the third event. So already, um, they've got a lot, um, a lot potentially to lose depending on what position they're in or a lot to gain. But then the horse is such an intelligent creature and it's your teammate. It is, it's not sort of, um, it's sensitive to everything that's going on. It's sensitive to how the rider is just how the rider is feeling, that intensity the rider is putting out, but also the crowd. Some of those horses probably hadn't been in such a situation before, and so you feel the horse when you enter the ring.

The horses are used to playing small clubs. There's little club gigs and festivals. That's where they collected the horses from. They just kind of sent someone out to local clubs. Are you ever like, oh, shit, I got a dumb horse? Oh, great. I got one of the dumb ones. Well, a dumb horse is not the worst thing you can have.

A kind of... A real smart aleck horse? Who wants to do one-liners like Spider-Man. Actually, I would say a dishonest horse is your worst fear. You don't have to get me started on that. I have lost so much money in horse games. Some of my biggest heartbreaks are lying horses. Sure. Dishonest. But I mean, there were moments in the riding portion of the competition.

There was one where one of the competitors was – the horses, they go on this jumping course, and there's essentially a— That's a technical term for it, right? Exactly. A jumping course? Great. Yeah, exactly. And it's timed, and so you have to complete the course within a certain amount of time that is a sort of moderate pace, I would say. But what happens is you lose points if the horses don't go over the obstacles, if they don't do the jumps as you would like them to, or if you're thrown, or if you don't complete it in that moderate pace. And went over one of the obstacles while holding full arms around the horse's neck underneath the front of the horse.

And she went over the obstacle. I was worried that she was going to be killed. But she turned out to be okay, at least as far as I know. She got back on the horse. She went off the horse after it had completed the jump and got back on. But it was those moments where – it was those getting back on the horse moments that overwhelmed me. Yeah. So I know the jumps that that woman, Tamara, from Mexico was riding. And sometimes the jumps are grouped together.

And so this is a case where there is what we call a triple combination. And you're severely penalized if you miss one of them. You have to go back and do all three. You can't just come back in the middle and jump half of it. So it's really bad not to make it over any element of the triple. And so that horse was a super honest horse where, you know, it kind of, even though she was hanging off its side, it knew its job and it carried her through. And then, yeah, it happens so often in the riding world, not just in pentathlon, but any, anyone who's worked with horses, you fall so often.

And there's always a risk of breaking something, breaking your back, breaking your jaw. Or you can walk away completely unscathed. That's what you sign up for. That element, and I'm assuming this is what you're talking about, Jessie, that element of true danger. This is what you're talking about, Jesse, that element of true danger. Like when you're watching whatever, like, you know, track and field or whatever, you're not really what you're watching athletes at their best competing against the other like their peers who are also at their best. And there is inherent drama to that. There is something amazing about that performance. But there is danger in what you're describing.

There is true. is danger in what you're describing there is true like we under i understand even if it's as rudimentarily as like christopher reeve like like i understand the true danger that is at stake here you know that is not present in probably 98 of the rest of the events you know right okay i see what you're saying and uh and yes i mean as the athlete you really don't give that very careful thought um but i would assume you can't i would assume you can't let that very careful thought. I would assume you can't. I would assume you can't let that enter your mind in a way lest it kind of like eat away at you. Like if you're worried about what could go wrong

rather than what you're describing as like the goal, you're setting a goal to get to the goal that would mean you're moving forward. Because I would make a terrible athlete. I'd be like, I'm definitely getting trampled today. Definitely, definitely going to get trampled. Even if I was running the hurdles, I would be like, I'm sure a car is going to drive on the track and hit me.

There's no way. Rogue javelin. Yeah, exactly. Rogue javelin. That's the name of my improv group. Seriously, come see us. Tuesday nights at UCB. That's the name of my improv group.

Seriously, come see us. Tuesday nights at UCB. I mean, the part that was so stunning to me and it led to me crying several times from the stands. To be fair, basically our last year of podcasts has been you saying instances where you've cried. I know. What is that about? I don't know. You've gotten super emotional i have i guess it's my and really really liking everyone to know when you've cried well you know i mean it's it's intense so the thing that um the thing that was really powerful for me i think was the was the getting up part, you know? And there is a certain,

and I think it's related to that sort of gentle pacing of the whole event that it takes place over the course of a whole day, and it makes it a very emotional thing in addition to a physical thing. But I think that I can imagine, you know, a runner, you know, a distance runner stumbling, falling and getting up because it's about this headlong go forward thing. And to see people fall, including you, fall on these horses where you can't just say, well, everything is driving forward. You know what I mean? So it's not only a matter of getting back on the horse, but it's a matter of getting back on the horse and then executing this incredibly, you know, emotionally and technically touchy series of maneuvers. That really got me. Right.

You almost have to instantly forget it. You're back. You're always at a clean slate. And so that's part of your mental game that you approach each jump as the first and last jump. And so in that sense, our block of two hours narrows down to one jump at a time or a few jumps at a time and of course if you don't operate

that way it's to your detriment that reminds me of the movie Touching the Void if any of you have seen Touching the Void do you know the movie I'm talking about? it's a documentary about these two men who are climbing a heretofore unclimbed peak in Peru, like ice climbing, you know, like true, like mountaineering, crazy climbing.

One of them breaks their leg and the other man is lowering him down. They have to lower themselves down the mountain. Nobody knows they're up there, really. He lowers the broken-legged man off of the edge of the mountain without knowing it because it's whiteout conditions. And they just sit there for hours, one man dangling in space and one man anchored to the mountain, not knowing what's going on, and the man anchored to the mountain cuts the line. So this man falls. Broken-legged man falls through space and falls into a crevasse.

And now the rest of the movie is the two men's journey to get down the mountain. And broken-legged man says, in the movie he says, you know he's alive. It's not a spoiler because he's part of the movie. But he's like, if I had thought to myself, I have a broken leg. I don't know where I am on the mountain. I'm in a crevasse. I don't know how to get down. I would have given up and just died.

There's no way. But what I did. I think mentally you don't want to call it a crevasse in your head because that is more psychologically dangerous than saying big hole. Yeah. So what he did was he was like, all I could do was say, I can see that rock ahead of me. I have to get there within the next 30 minutes. And rock by rock, bit by bit, he gets down the mountain and survives.

That reminds me of two things. One is a podcast that described self-denial and self-delusion and the advantage it gives athletes, which is really interesting, I think, and humans in general. But there was this athlete who had done this amazing cross-country bike trip, and he gave an analogy to – and I like this analogy because it relates to marshmallows. And I like this analogy because it relates to marshmallows. He said that his amazing bike trip, the only way to get through it, and it's not as amazing as this guy, this broken-legged man, Kervas, story. But he said it's like being in front of a marshmallow the size of a giant building that you have to eat. And you just take one bite at a time. Yeah.

I love that image. No, there's, I'm obsessed with, I lived in Morocco for a while and there is a saying in Morocco that I always loved, which was little by little, the camel gets in the stew, which I think is kind of fantastic too. I mean, I just don't like the taste of camel meat, so that's not. Yeah, yeah. No, it's, it's, it's pretty gamey. It's gamey. Yeah.

But in the modern pentathlon and in this riding event, there is this other element, which was so vivid, which is the relationship between the rider and the horse. And so it's in contrast to something where you have full control over what's happening. You know, I would imagine that you can't completely leave the past behind because you have to manage this relationship based on what you know about this horse. Right. So I guess by leave the past behind, I mean that it doesn't shape your expectations of what's coming up, but you take it as just a part of what you know to help you make better decisions. Yeah. I hope that doesn't sound too abstract. No, not at all. There was a moment where one of the competitors was – her horse was being exceptionally obstinate.

And I don't know whether it was for technical reasons. It had not had its juice box. No, I know the horse you mean. That horse is just a dick. Right. That horse is a fucking dick. Everybody knows. But I mean, one of the things.

You go to a bar and it's like, this place is such a scene. Okay, where do you want to go? Sorry. One of the things about this horse jumping is that the horses often know when they're positioned wrong to jump over the thing. So they have to pace their – so part of the rider's job is to pace the length of their strides so that they're in the right place to jump over the thing when they get to the thing. Exactly. It's like when you're – if you've ever skipped around and hopped over obstacles pretending you're a horse.

Sure. Every goddamn day of my life. It's like you're describing my whole college experience. Yep. So I don't know whether it was because of pacing or because the horse was just being a dick, but one of the competitors was having a terrible time with her horse and it was stopping short very consistently. And at one point she brought it back around and whacked it with her crop. And it was, and no one else in the competition had whacked their horse with their crops,

at least that I'd seen. You know, she gave it a full on rump whacking and you could you could feel in the crowd like you know like this moment of and you could see that she was doing it because it was the only tool left in her toolbox was to be like hey horse i'm the boss um but it was it was so emotionally fraught to see yes and you know so um i didn't see her ride but i can picture that because I've seen things like that happen before. And there's this huge argument that you can have up there on your horse. And sometimes the argument is super subtle. And it's just the difference between the horse leaning into your right heel and you putting pressure right back on it. And there's a conversation happening with your body language and sometimes it's not nuanced at all where the horse's ears are pinned and it refuses and you whack it with the crop and you know it's just just very public awful argument that you're having it's the equivalent of i don't know some kind of abusive shouting match sure you're that you're that couple at the party who are like, I don't even know why we're here. I didn't want to come.

These are your friends. That's what the horse is saying to the person. I didn't want to come here. 20,000 people watching. I just wanted to stay home, get something on Netflix, and eat some oats. Yeah, exactly. Just chill with a feed bag on.

Sure. Stay in. Wait, did the crop, when she hit it with the crop, did it make a discernible difference? Could you see anything different happen? It was, I mean, it was like a last ditch. You could see that it was a last ditch effort. And she made it through the course. Oh, I mean, I've told all my girlfriends that.

I don't want to do this. You're making, this is all I have left. I understand that. It is weird that her nation's uniform is the dominatrix outfit. friends that i don't want to do this you're making this is all i have left that um it is weird that her her her nation's uniform is the dominatrix outfit yeah i guess that made sense and that surprised me i was at first i was like why is this woman wearing a leather bustier when everyone else is wearing like traditional riding clothes oh you guys might not have been watching the modern pentathlon you guys might have been watching the sexy pentathlon. You guys might have been watching the sexy pentathlon. No, no. It was the modern pentathlon.

It streams online. No. Okay. 1599. See, I'm glad you said that. Okay. Jordan, I'm 100% sure now you were watching the sexy pentathlon. Well, okay. It comes on during the... Yeah, no, this is it. Because it comes on during the halftime of the Super Bowl. Nope. That's the puppy bowl. That is the puppy bowl.

Also very sexy. Yeah. Also very sexy yeah also very sexy oh geez we are really I'm so sorry Donna because it seems like we've been asking questions about a

whole other although it is amazing that this much of the conversation has synced up yeah totally well I feel like Donna's probably

just been covering for us oh yeah that was nice thanks for not pointing out our right pointing out our

have you gotten any good stuff out of being an Olympian thus far? Have you gotten to have any sandwiches named after you or anything? That's the good stuff? Yeah. Have you gotten any good stuff out of being an Olympian? Like any sandwiches named after you?

That says so much about you, Jesse Thorne, than it does about Donna's experience. Well, I didn't want to bring up... Oh, if only I could be an Olympian, then somebody would name that sandwich after me that I've been wanting. Look, man, I'm not trying to brag, but someone nominated me to be a Kentucky Colonel, and I didn't want to bring that up,

which is everyone's ultimate dream. Of course. Which made you cry, just like watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I didn't want to... I didn't want to. I didn't want to. Rise of the Planet of the Apes made me feel very emotional. I don't remember it making me cry.

Okay. I remember it making me feel much more emotional than I was comfortable with, but I don't think I cried in Revenge of the Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Anyway, have you gotten any cool- No sandwiches. Sorry to report. Besides a ticket to Max Funcon East.

Yeah. That does count. That's way up there with... Yeah. A huge, great fallout from... Is fallout... Can that be a positive term? Well, I mean, you know, it's a kind of radiation.

I mean, we normally think of it associated with nuclear winter, but, you know, sure. You could argue that it was positive for the Incredible Hulk. Yep, yep. And particularly Gray Hulk. Yeah. The Smart Hulk? Oh, yeah, specifically Gray Hulk. Sure, sure, sure.

And I don't want to name who it was, but last night I got to fence someone really interesting. Oh, a celebrity friend, Mr. Breckenmire. During the shooting of... Hashtag friend zone. Thank friend, Mr. Breckenmeyer. During the shooting of... Hashtag friend zone. Thank you, Jason. Just follow TBS. We're shooting 100 episodes. None of them will be good.

Friend zone. Well, you said TBS, so we know none of them will be good. Oh, okay. Sorry. Boom. Yeah, that's right. I'm taking you to task, TBS. Wow.

No sacred cows with Manzoukas. What's it like? Have you started school yet? I have. Oh, my gosh. It's great. So what isoukas. What's it like? Have you started school yet? I have. Oh, my gosh, it's great. So what is it like? What's it like? That's how we all feel about school.

I want to make it clear. Everyone else in this room. School. Just bringing up school like I have a knot in my stomach. I so don't. Oh. And you went to school in Morocco where it was just making camel stew. You went to stew school. Stew school. Oh,. Yes, exactly. You went to stew school.

Stew school. Oh, man. I wish I'd gone to stew school. Oh, man. You'd have eaten so many more potatoes. Oh, man. Like the tagines, though, in Morocco. Right.

Sure. Couscous. It's the starch. Like a couscous. Have you had any couscous out of this thing? Okay. So you got to fence. Any tagines named after you?

goes out of this thing. Okay, so you got to fence... Annie Tajin's named after you? You got to fence a celebrity that we know who was working on a project that we're aware of, but sadly we're not allowed to say anything about. So that's pretty good. That was pretty good. What's it like at school, though?

So school is this whole other world. Do you wear an Olympics hat everywhere? Should I wear an Olympics hat? I think so. Do you know you're an Olympian? Is that something that is like... And this is, maybe I'm being naive, but like, are you well known enough for your event in Canada that you are like, like people are like, oh my God, I just saw you on the Olympics.

No, only around, only around, I'd say on campus where there have been a few posters and little things that we've done. So in that small campus world. We should explain that you're running for student council. But I'm not that popular. Where your campaign slogan is a sandwich named after me in every cafeteria on campus. That would be so great. It's funny.

Everyone's dream. It's like you in front of the big Citizen Kane crowd, but instead of your face, there's just a picture of a sandwich. And it says sandwich. Vote for sandwich. It has an Olympic hat on. Ooh, I love that. Yeah, that's fun. I think you should wear Canadian.

I can only presume that they're made by Roots, the popular Canadian sportswear brand. But I think you should wear like a warm-up suit, sort of like a Palm Beach housewife everywhere that has – I don't know what that is. You know, like a – Sweatsuit, like a track suit. Like a track suit. Yeah, like a track suit that has some maple leaves and beavers and all the different Canadian things. And just slather yourself in dracar noir.

This is a real mashup of strange things here. Because you also want to be a teenager who's going to his first bar mitzvah? What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think tracksuit and Dracar Noir. Oh, interesting. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Got it, got it, got it. I got you. See, Dracar Noir to me is like, that's what I wore to go to bar mitzvahs. And hopefully, like, touch someone's boobs. Sweet. Yeah. Did not happen. No?

Donna. Donna, use your time machine to go back in time and help Jason touch boobs at Orbot Mitzvah. Oh, God. Orbot Mitzvah. Does everything seem a little bit shittier than being in the Olympics now? No, it just keeps getting better and better. Oh, wow. That's what I like to hear.

So would you say that you're anticipating Max Funcon East being better than the Olympics? I'm saying that the overall picture is just cumulative. So that's going to be part of like the pinnacle of that. At that moment, that will be. You know that you're supposed to compare your current state to all your past states and all the states of everyone that you know and be disappointed if it's any sadder, right? Okay. And also.

I'm giving you a little basic psychology. And also measure it against a hypothetical idealized future wherein your life is way better than it is now, which it will never be,

so you're in a perpetual state of disappointment and are as such a comedian. The key is to find out... Is this how you operate? The key is to find out what auditions your friends got.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How they got them. The central thing is to find out what auditions your friends got. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How they got them. The central thing is to find out what auditions your friends got. And if your friend books something, to focus on that. Focus on what they booked. And call your agents and managers and scream at them. Like, how did I not know about this? I don't understand.

Got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting it now. Jason, okay. You can guest star on Friends. You know, it's just like at, yeah. You're getting it now. Jason, okay, you can guest star on Friends. You know, it's just like, at this point. We're making 100 episodes. At this point, Jordan, is Breckenmire really more relevant than me?

I mean, come on, man. No, I mean, well, listen. To the TBS demographic. You know what? To the Tyler Perry community. Perhaps. You know, Breckenmire is still a broad. There's just so much anti-Morocco material.

To end up the show, I didn't think you'd be comfortable with it. I'm just so curious. There's certain people, Janet Jackson, Arsenio Hall, Breckenmire, who are big to that core Tyler Perry TBS 100 episode sitcom audience. Jordan's tapped in, okay, and he knows that they want Brecken, they do not want Mantzoukas. Now, what I'm confused by is is he doing double duty with Franklin and Bash like are you getting him out of Franklin and Bash

yeah he's got an every other day schedule and we're setting up shop right next to Franklin and Bash just so Meyer can run over maybe like on lunch break and yours is yeah okay great he wanted to stretch and do some sort of light comedy in addition to the kind of weighty drama he does on Franklin and Bash.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The heavy, heavy drama. We do have a character coming up. Oh, boy. Uncle Nasty. I'm in. Okay, great. Well, Don, I mean,

I will say that watching you compete in this thing was one of the most moving and inspirational things in my life, and I mean that sincerely. It was really amazing to see you do this. Yeah, thrill of a lifetime. Not a – no – yeah, not to – it was a thrill of a lifetime. I was trying to think of a word for it. Seriously, if I – a thrill of a lifetime. I was trying to think of a word for it. Seriously, if I was Mantoukas right now, I would probably just kill myself for not having been there and experienced that. What's the point now? Listen, it is – like I'm always on the verge of killing myself.

Right. So why wouldn't you be? You have had a revolver under your chin for this whole tape, which has been weird. You know what, though? I'm kind of probably not going to pull it. Probably not going to pull it. No. Can you just scoot a few feet to your left?

I'll be right under the murder hole. Yeah. There you go. But I am tempted now to, when we finish, go home, and I assume I could find online footage of you doing your events, which I will watch online and probably jerk off. Well, I mean, if you get rid of your Nordic track, how's that going to happen? You know what? Yeah, that's the thing is I'm giving away the Nordic track.

Or maybe this is something to watch. Is this a good thing to watch on the Nordic track, do you think? Maybe the sexy pentathlon. You should start with that one. Yeah, that's true. Or the puppy ball. Or the puppy ball. Or the puppy ball. But yeah, it is so amazing that we got to watch something so incredible happen because of this dumb show.

It is kind of amazing. So yeah, thank you. It's mind-blowing. We couldn't be more proud of your performance and, of course, the performance of Max Gunn. Yeah. Probably, undoubtedly, the best laser Max Gunn. Yeah. Probably undoubtedly the best laser gun in the entire competition. Probably.

The funniest one for sure. Have you started now, I'm sorry to now start a new conversation topic, but have you started now or have you always training on a real gun? Because the biathlon is a real gun, right? And the laser gun is not? I haven't gotten that far. I've made some contacts but I've never shot a real gun. right? And the laser gun is not? I haven't gotten that far. Okay. I've made some contacts,

but I've never shot a real gun. Do you want to? Do you want to? Do you want to go shoot guns after this in the rain? He's now just practicing his sides for Uncle Nasty. Hey, hey, hey, lady.

Hey, Olympic lady, you want to go shoot guns? Hey, Breckin Meyer. You're supposed to start when you're all grown up now. You're all grown up. That's cool supposed to start with, you're all grown up now. You're all grown up. That's cool. Oh, yeah, you're all grown up, huh?

I got guns. Guns for a grown up. You want to go shoot a gun in a skin-tight winter uniform? Oh, yeah. I don't think they shoot at each other. Oh, they will, though. In my Olympics, where 18 people are let loose in a small forest. It's a Hunger Games Olympics-style thing.

It's all sexy ladies, though. He purchased the Village of the Crazies from the film Gymkata. He's retrofitted it for a new type of Most Dangerous Game. Oh, yes. It is definitely that. Well, Donna, thank you so much. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of this whole thing. It's just been a pleasure to get to know you and follow this whole thing.

And it's just been a joy. So thank you very much for letting us be part of it. Thank you for letting us be a part of this whole thing. It's just been a pleasure to get to know you and follow this whole thing. And it's just been a joy. So thank you very much for letting us be part of it. Thank you. Thanks for carrying me through hours and hours and hours of training listening to your podcast. Seems like a bad idea. Seems like you should listen to songs from Rocky or something. But we'll let that slide. Thanks, Donna.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. October 15th. What day is it, Jordan? It's the Max Fun Day. Oh, man, this thing is going to be great. We are blowing it out.

Full steam ahead. Google Hangouts. Ask me anythings. I'm, you know, Twitter festivities. Sure. LinkedIn resume help. We're going to be giving people resume help on LinkedIn. Hey, you know, yes, there you go.

You know what? You got to change fonts. That font is not serious enough. Yeah. You know, you can't take up more than one page. The hiring manager is not going to have time to look at that. Sure. And if it's too big, decrease the margin size.

Okay. Here's the thing. Is there a standard margin size for a resume? There probably is. You probably shouldn't decrease the margin size. I think you can play a little bit with the margins. You can play with it a little bit. Yeah.

You can't decrease it or increase it to the point where you're like a college kid trying to fuck around on how many pages are in his paper. But you can squidge it. No hiring managers. You can massage the prostate. Look, hiring managers don't have time to measure the margins. No, you're right. They're not going to judge.

Just don't stretch it out all the way to the margins. You're going to get overspray. It's a problem you're going to have. Yeah, you don't want that. Okay. Also an issue with prostate massage. Thanks, Fonte. Our goal is to get 1,000 new donors. I don't want that. Okay. Also an issue with prostate massage. Max Funday.

Our goal is to get 1,000 new donors. So if you're not already a donor to MaximumFun.org, support our programming on Max Funday, October 15th. Monday, October 15th. Here's what you can do. You support us on a monthly basis. It's cheap. It's easy. You never have to worry about it again.

And guess what? You continue to get all of this awesome content for free, you never have to worry about it again. And guess what? You continue to get all of this awesome content for free because we can afford to make it for you. I think if you love this show, if you love other MaxFun shows, MaxFun Day is the day to do it. We're going to try and get 1,000 new donors. And for every new donor that we get at $10 a month or more, we are going to be helping the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank provide 20 meals to needy families. A good cause. Yeah. So it's a double punch.

It's kicking you in both balls with its good cause. Your podcast ball. Yeah. And your hungry family ball. Yeah, exactly. Boom, boom, double, double up. And if you're already a donor, help us out by convincing someone. You know, let's get that hashtag moving and, you know, Facebooking, call somebody, call your grandma, get her on here.

She loves Jordan Jessica. Do it. Set up a phone tree. She loves prostate humor. You know, just get them in there and see what you can do. Max Fun Day, October 15th. Okay. Maximumfun.org slash MaxFunDay. It's Jordan Jesse Goem, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jason Manzoukas, the beard. Yeah, the beard. There you go. Fear the beard, as we there you go fear the beard as we San Francisco Giants fans like to say he's who we keep around so people don't think

we're gay I like that yeah yeah well Jason it's been a joy to have you on the program look you're no Donna

no you haven't been in the Olympics I would never claim to be look Donna comes through the door you gotta invite her onto the microphone 100% I will say this.

In the 1984 Olympics, Summer Olympics, they played qualifying matches of the Olympic soccer in Boston. And I was a ball boy. Wow. I was a ball boy on the Olympic soccer field. Our friend Jimmy Pardo, comedian and podcaster Jimmy Pardo, his wife, stand-up comedian and comedy writer Danielle Koenig, was in the opening ceremonies of the 1984 Olympics. Cool. Yeah, as like a six-year-old or something like that.

Oh, that's neat. Getting a ball to the face thrown by Jason Manzoukas. I want to say she was a pioneer child. Really? If I remember correctly. That's awesome. I may be misremembering that. Anyway, Jason, of course, is the co-host of How Did This Get Made, a hilarious podcast. I'm on an upcoming week's episode.

Jordan's been on in the past. I think that's probably the best place to start for anyone, whether you're a fan of us or not. Sure. Our episodes or, God, I laughed my ass off at your guys' Roadhouse episode. Live from Bumbershoot. Maybe the hardest I've laughed at a podcast in quite some time. It's great. And you thought, I mean, I would imagine that as a lifelong Mike Nelson fan,

that you would have thought that everything that could be said about Roadhouse had been said. Yeah, and that's kind of how I went into it, is I'm a big Roadhouse fan, and definitely I've bought Mike Nelson's book where he goes into depth about why Roadhouse is the most ridiculous movie of all time. So I'm like, I bet I've heard all these observations before. No, you guys break new ground. Oh, yes. It's great. We're not messing around.

I think you describe, what really made me laugh, you describe Ben Gazzara's character as being a one-man mafia of a Texas ghost town. Yes. That's basically what he is. It makes no logical sense. Right. Yeah. He's become a multi-millionaire by extorting money from like a ghost town.

Right. One bar and an auto parts store. Exactly. He has enough money for a monster truck and safaris. Yes. Oh, guys. It's great. It's a pretty good, it's a good episode.

And there's also a baby in it. But I mean, arts are better. Anyway. Lindsay Pavlis on the board this week. Brian Fernandez on the edit. Hey, remember, Max Funday is October 15th. If you're already a donor, hashtag it, Max Funday, on that day. Share it with your friends.

We're trying to get 1,000 new donors and 20,000 meals for needy families. So it's going to be a big day. We're going to be doing a Google Hangout. You can find all the information at MaximumFun.org slash MaxFunDay. Anyway, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.