Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 247: Live from the SF Comedy and Burrito Festival with Merlin Mann and Scott Simpson

Episode Date: October 25, 2012

Recorded live at the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito festival, Jordan and Jesse are joined by special guests Merlin Mann and Scott Simpson.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, edgy, pretty, lovely, pretty, America. Who wants to see me drink all these beers? For the home listener, there's like six beers on stage. It's great to be here at the San Francisco Comedy and Burrito Festival. I'll tell you, never has a comedy festival been more appealing to me in my entire life. When I mean

our boss. If only they could somehow make it the San Francisco Comedy, Burrito, and Reruns of Cheers Festival. Then maybe. You know what? Kirstie Alley is underrated. That's a side opinion. Wow. Coming in hot. Then maybe. You know what? Kirstie Alley is underrated. That's a side opinion. Wow. Okay.

Coming in hot. I, um... I probably... How many people here are already Jordan Jesse Go listeners? A lot. How many people are homeless Polish people staying... Who are living for free in this Polish cultural center? Yeah.

How many people are just here because you heard there was a great painting of Woodrow Wilson? It's a literal painting of Woodrow Wilson for people. Apparently he did something for the Poles. But I'm actually, I grew up not very far from here. Like maybe, what are we at? Folsom? Is Folsom our cross street? Is that what we're looking at?

Shotwell? Yeah, so I grew up like 10 blocks from here. Burritos are like the central. Actually, the other day, our friend W. Kamau Bell was on, who's been a guest on Jordan Jesse Go, was on Bullseye. And I interviewed him about his new show. And one of the things

that he talked about on the show was the fact that as his career had continued along, still a little ringy, as his career had continued along... That high-pitched noise that was going for a while, that's for all the dogs in the audience.

That's a sound that only the Polish can hear. It's telling them to kill. Invade the Falklands. Jordan does not have a strong grasp of European history. You should just get that out right now.

So I was talking to Kamau, and he said that over the course of his career, his jokes have become more and more personal. And I had been talking to him about a joke that he did when we used to do shows together in San Francisco like 10 years ago that I still remembered. And it was, I don't remember much about it, but I remember it involved talking about hearing so much about San Francisco burritos because he had just moved from Chicago. And then getting his hands on one and then saying to the burrito, you've been talking a lot of shit, burrito.

I think I'm remembering that joke too and I also think he's super high in that joke. And I was talking to him and he says, you know, now I do a lot more personal stuff, stuff about race, stuff that's really meaningful to me. And I, we cut this out of the interview, but I had to explain to him

that the reason I had retained that for 10 years was because as important as politics and race are to W. Kamau Bell, that's how I feel about burritos. It is the central element of my like personal narrative. Like if I wrote a book about my life, 12 chapters, like two would be about burritos. One about regular burritos, one about super burritos. One called burritos should have rice in them. One called Southern California burritos are bullshit. Like like big charts that say, steam the tortilla. It makes it stretchier. I feel like, and as a Southern Californian,

hearing a Northern Californian talk about burritos, to me is like hearing a metal guy talk about the sub-genres of metal. Or an autistic eight-year-old talking about Pokemon. You can only kind of look and nod and just hope they finish up. Like, I have really passionate feelings attached to really specific things about burritos. If someone in front of me in line

orders black beans in their burrito, I can't, obviously, I'm not going to get in a fight with them. But you will key their car. You will key their fucking car. There's a fucking yuppie asshole that's ruining the mission with their black beans. And what does Charizard evolve into?

Fucking vegetarian burrito. Fuck you. That's how I feel about it. The other thing I feel really strongly about, I went out to lunch... What's the difference between Norwegian black metal and power violence? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. I went out to lunch with my best friend from childhood, Peter Fraunfelder, and we went to Taqueria El Taco Loco, and we had Super Burritos, and we were about three quarters of the way through. Look, I can eat a whole Super Burrito. I choose not to, number one. Let's make that clear. Like, there was a time in my life, but not anymore. I'm a grown-up now. So you have what's left, right? And you save what's left, because that's important. That's a treat for later.

You know, that's like if you give that to someone else, like that is like a promise ring. Like that is really, really, really serious thing. And my friend Peter. I heard that Mitt Romney gave one of those to his wife while they were dating. He just sent one home from his mission. That's why one of his sons is named Burrito. Tag Burrito. Tag Burrito. Tag Burrito.

Spot Rover. I just assume that... I don't know what their names are. I think it's really fun to make up fake Mitt Romney child names. It is. But my friend Peter said something to me that I thought was the most beautiful

and significant thing you could ever say about that piece of the burrito that's left. I was covering it up and I said, I'm going to save this for later. And he looked at me really seriously and he says, hey wait, don't cover that burrito. I'm going to fuck it. I've heard this story before.

He looks at me, I cover it up, he looks at me and cover it up he looks at me and he says yeah Jesse you gotta marinate the stump that's what I believe in you gotta marinate

the stump I believe in marriage equality peace between nations and marinating the stump your three core beliefs yeah

I don't know I'm happy so the moral of the story is I'm happy to be here happy happy to be in the mission. Jordan, you haven't been here that many times. Yeah. So what do you think? No, I'm having a great time.

But I feel like on the way over, I missed an opportunity. What do you mean? On the flight. So the flight from L.A. to San Francisco is like about an hour. So I like to bring a little light reading. Sure. Cosmo. Sure, Sure. Cosmo. Sure, yeah, Cosmo. Tiger Beat.

You know, just see, yeah. Pedophile magazine. It's a lifestyle magazine, so there's like gadget guides and stuff. To be fair, he didn't subscribe for the magazine. He subscribed because if you subscribe, you get a telephone pole shaped, never mind.

Telephone. Telephone. It's a great telephone. Telephone. That's a telephone pole. A telephone. That's way worse. That's a great gift. Think if Sports Illustrated gave you a telephone pole when you subscribe. A telephone...

Okay, let's... A telephone shaped like... Never mind. Okay. Young Macaulay Culkin. You know my dad's here, right, Jordan? Yeah, yeah. Hey, Lee.

So I brought, there's a comic I've been meaning to read. It's called Saga. And I'm always a little bit embarrassed to pull out a comic book on an airplane. You know, it's one of those things. It's one of those nerd bashfulness things that I can't seem to get over. And the person next to me on the plane, this is kind of a little two-seater

plane, you know, the two-seat rows. Jordan flew over with Harrison Ford. I was going to say me and John Travolta flew over. Jerked each other off. So, you know, and the person sitting next to me is this kind of sophisticated business lady. Well-dressed, case,

blackberry, the whole thing. Sensual. Very sensual. So I'm like, God, do I really want to... DTF. Yeah. Like, do I want to pull out this comic book and read it next to this lady who's just gonna roll her eyes at me or something?

And to make matters worse, this particular comic has some saucy bits. One particular scene has people with TV heads fucking each other. There's a race of characters in this comic book that have TV heads, and there's a pretty graphic sex scene pretty early on. Is this comic book just about a concert by the residents?

Yes. It comes with a free tab of acid. It's not a comic book, it's a plate. It's a commemorative plate. And you just fucking look at it. And so I'm like, oh boy, not only am I reading a comic book, but I'm going to look like some weird anime

pervert or something like that. And yeah, I look down on people who enjoy anime. I think it's fair to look down on people who jack off to anime. That's a lower form of life. I mean, I'm enjoying

the world created by these TV head people but I'm not jerking off to it maybe the TV people will creep into my mind sure during a sesh but it's not the principle anyway so I'm like you know what

whatever I've been meaning to read this comic this is a great time I'm just gonna do it, bashfulness be damned. So I'm reading this comic, and then I look over, and my seatmate, my classy business seatmate, is reading Fifty Shades of Grey. And, you know, and then I'm like, and that made me feel a little bit better. I'm like, okay, well, fuck, you know, let's do it. You know, let's both enjoy our, you know, our popcorn culture and have a nice time on the plane. So it was fun to not be embarrassed about reading a comic book. But what I'm wondering is did I miss a chance to get into the Mile High Club? I did not engage this woman.

You know, she bumped my tray and spilled a little coffee. Jordan, signals, signals! I know! So, I mean, was there a point where I should have looked over and said, oh, hey, you're into mom bondage. said, oh, hey, you're into mom bondage. I'm into TV head fucking. Why don't we head back to the tiny bathroom and make this happen?

Jordan. Yeah. I know that you're into mom bondage. I am. What did you do before Fifty Shades of Grey? I mean... Mommy blogging. I was into mommy blogging.

Right. And then it just naturally segued into mommy bondage. Well, you got super commercial. Yeah, I know. Yeah. What's a sponsored post and what's not? Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. I can understand that. And then, you know, it kind of naturally got into mommy bondage. That is an amazing thing. Because someone was reading Fifty Shades of Grey 3, which is called Thirty Shades of Something. I can't remember. Does anyone know what it's... Don't yell it out. It's embarrassing.

So I didn't mean to put you in that position. But what's the sexiest episode of Naruto? I think the people who got that enjoyed it. That's a show about somebody fucking an octopus. I can only presume. That's an anime.

Popular anime. So the lady's reading it. Uh-huh. She's just sitting there reading it. And I started thinking, like, I got into the same headspace you were in, but further down the line, like, am I allowed to read pornography on an airplane? Right. Like, I feel weird watching Six Feet Under on an airplane because it might show, like, somebody's boob,

you know, Lauren Ambrose's boob or something. I don't think they showed that on Six Feet Under. Bummer. But moms across America are reading pornography in public, I guess. feet under. Bummer. Moms across America are reading pornography in public, I guess. Number one, let me make it clear. I have no problem with moms reading

pornography. I say go to town. If there's any moms here, more power to you. However, it is a little... Does this open new vistas for us? For example, let me start slow here. Could I read Fifty Shades of Grey in public?

I think if you read it, like, and put on kind of a critical show, like, you weren't really enjoying it, like it was more of a social experiment. Like if I did a lot of... Ha! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!

Pfft! As if. David Denby would never countenance this. Yeah, I think so. Yeah? Okay, now what about, what if it was something that was a pornography book that didn't have any boobs or anything on the cover,

but it wasn't Fifty Shades of Grey? Could I read that? Oh, like a Harlequin romance? Like something with Fabio? No, that doesn't have a... Fifty Shades of Grey is much more sex-focused than a Harlequin romance, right? This lady with the... Sorry, I didn't mean to...

But yeah, we're getting confirmed that this is... That it's much more... It's a sex book. Harlequin romance, right? This lady with the... Sorry, I didn't mean to... But yeah, we're getting confirmed that this is... That it's much more... It's a sex book. It's not a... Like a romance novel, there's sex parts.

There's regular sex parts. But it's about the other stuff, right? Right. Yeah, it's about pirating. Most of the stuff is like... It's a pirate narrative. People... This is...

I mean, I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey, but this is how I imagine it. A guy and a girl are in this room and then start fucking. That's basically it, right? Then shit gets a little weird. Not very weird. Slightly.

Very slightly weird. Very gently weird. But yeah. But I think... I guess what I'm trying to say is if, you know, if anybody ever sees me on a plane and I'm reading a saucy comic book, like, I don't know, make the first move. I'm into it.

It's a signal. It's a nonverbal signal. If you have a TV mask, great. If not... You know, if you fly Virgin, they actually give you a TV mask, great. If not... You know, if you fly Virgin, they actually give you a TV mask. They give you a nice little... Oh, that's sweet. And some slippers.

That's sweet, yeah. And they play a nice chill wave when you're landing. Yeah, a really cool... Play a nice chill wave song. Chill out jam. They also have... Everything sexual that happens on a Virgin airplane has the same confusing tone as the voiceover on the video

they show you at the beginning of the flight. Like, are you angry at me? Are we cool? What's our safe word? That's how I feel about that video that they show on Virgin America flights. Are you doing anything for Halloween? This is related to dressing up, et cetera.

Oh, wait, hold on. I want to do a thing and be a confusingly toned Virgin Atlantic employee that you're having sex with. Great. Oh, on. I want to do a thing and be a confusingly toned Virgin Atlantic employee that you're having sex with. Great. Oh yeah, give it to me? Okay, we can move on. Okay.

Are you doing anything for Halloween is my question. No, I have no plans so far for Halloween. I would like to attend Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. Sure. That's about it though. These strokes here presumably will be going to Halloween at Marine World Africa USA. Thank you!

Thank you, Doug McConnell, Bay Area Backroads, ladies and gentlemen. Golden Gate Bridge! Come on, I want an applause break! Jordan, no. Okay. If you want an applause break, you have to say Elaine Corral.

All these people just fucking moved here from Omaha to work at Twitter. What do they know about Elaine Corral? We have the masquerade ball at Max Funconny's, which is going to be a lot of fun. I'm just going to dress nice and wear a mask or whatever. But this is what we were thinking. We figured it's late October. Probably a lot of you guys are trying to figure out what to wear for Halloween. And of course

the trend right now is to wear a sexy Halloween costume. Like a regular thing. A sexier version of a traditional Halloween costume. Like for example, for Halloween, sexy nurse. For example. That's like a new traditional Halloween costume. Like, you know, like, for example, like, for Halloween, like, sexy nurse, for example. Like, that's like a class,

that's like a new classic Halloween costume. Like, every lady on Halloween dresses up as a sexy thing. And they have actually taken this to, like, absurd extremes. I don't think she's sexy. She seems like a handful. Jordan, you're getting to that point in your life. She's real needy. You're getting to that point in your life. Seems real needy. You're getting to that point in your life.

You're growing up, Jordan. And they've also taken this to, like, I mean, I'm sure you guys have heard, like, what's going to be the next, but this is an actual thing, sexy Bert and Ernie. So, like, at the point... See, now, I mean, along the lines of what we were talking about, sexy Bert looks real responsible.

You're just saying that because you think that she might be into bottle caps like you are. Yeah, right. And pigeons. Sexually. Sexually. So at this point, like, we kind of thought that sexy something is played out, but also that just going as something is also played out. I mean, we had 200 years of that before we added sexy to it. So we thought we would see if maybe we could come up with some ideas

for other adjectives that you could combine with costumes. Yeah, I mean, why limit it to sexy? Yeah, it could be anything. So we're just going to give you guys a few ideas. Some of us aren't sexy I mean, first of all, pregnant vampire Just take vampire This is something you're going to have to plan ahead for, ladies

Sure This is maybe for next year Maybe for next year But look, Jordan's willing to email you his flight itinerary Right, yes. So, yeah. So, pregnant vampire, I think that's good. Like, it's like a regular vampire, but, like, more bloated.

Yeah. Like, retaining more water. Yeah, exactly. And with a tiny baby vampire. Do vampires give birth to other vampires? A bat flies out. You, ma'am. You seem to know a lot.

A bat flies out. You, ma'am. You seem to know a lot. A bat flies out. Sir, you're not going to want to be in the delivery room. One of the nurses will just try and hit it with a broom. That's my baby! Sleepy koala, of course. That's a good one, because... You just take a nap. Yeah.

Wherever you are, you're ready for that one. And then hopefully when you wake up, someone has left a pile of eucalyptus near you. Glenn Park, am I right, you guys? There's a lot of eucalyptus there! There's a lot of eucalyptus near you. Glenn Park, am I right, you guys? There's a lot of eucalyptus there! There's a lot of eucalyptus there! Sad eagle, of course. Sad eagle.

You know, I mean, I think this particular eagle that we have in the PowerPoint is crying because of 9-11, but your eagle can be crying because of whatever. Just whatever, like loss of habitat. Sure. Just got disrespected by another eagle that really knew how to get his goat.

He was just disappointed that Taken 2 wasn't that good. Yeah. Actually, you know... A little bit of a letdown. You asserted that this eagle was sad about 9-11, but judging by this picture, he's only eagle was sad about 9-11, but judging by this picture, he's only sad about half of 9-11. There is only one

tower. Maybe they couldn't find a picture of the Twin Towers, and so they just took a picture of a different building and added smoke to it. There's only one building here. Okay. Sorry. Alright, loose change All right, loose change. All right, loose change.

Disappointed Lieberman. Disappointed Lieberman. Yeah, I mean, it's like Lieberman can just be disappointed in a lot of things. I mean, just off the top of my head, Taken 2 wasn't that good. Yeah. He could be disappointed in Liam Neeson. Sure. I mean, he could be disappointed about the fact that he doesn't get invited on Conan anymore.

He wants to sing. Did he used to get invited on Conan? He used to go sing on Conan a lot. I didn't know that. Yeah, he did. Oh, I would be disappointed. He could be disappointed about the rancor between the parties.

He's, of course, an independent. Sure. Senator from Connecticut, if I remember correctly. Yeah, or he could just be disappointed that they don't serve the McRib year-round. He could be disappointed that he always sounds like he's about to cry,

no matter what he's saying. Joe Lieberman humor, folks. What else have we got? Diarrhea Guy Fieri. Now, I think why this is such an amazing costume, Diarrhea Guy Fieri, is what could possibly give Guy Fieri diarrhea? a lot of possibilities. What could possibly give Guy Fieri diarrhea? You have to think about foods because this guy is known for

eating the worst food in the world. That's his profession. His profession is being an asshole. But subcategory assholes who eat the worst food in the world. I think maybe what would give Guy Fieri diarrhea is just accidentally eating a vegetable that wasn't deep fried.

Maybe one fell in his mouth. You know how they say, like, the average person eats five spiders a year? Yeah. Like, I think once in a while a baby carrot will just drop into somebody's mouth. I don't know where from. They're just in the air. Yeah. They're in the air.

They're like dust mites. You would not believe how many are in your pillow right now. So yeah, maybe that happens. And he got diarrhea. Anyway, a waxy senior. A waxy senior. This is Barbara Walters, but it could be anyone. Sure.

Whoever looks waxy. Yeah, just all... John McCain's looking pretty waxy these days. Basically, all famous elderly people now look waxy. That's a thing now. Any older, famous person will work for Waxy Senior.

A butt pair. No, granted. A pair that looks like a butt. Butt is not even an adjective. That's a noun. We've adjectivized it because we found a picture of a pair that looks like a butt. I'm not going to lie to you guys.

And to be fair, I think this hurts our thesis a little bit because it is kind of sexy. Yeah, it's pretty hot. I would like to fuck that butt pair. If it had a TV head.

Sexy Tom Selleck. Now, here's the thing. We tried putting other adjectives on Tom Selleck, but they didn't stick. That was the problem. Too sexy. Yeah, he's just... Innately sexy.

So, I mean, I guess the one sexy costume we will permit this year is Tom Selleck. Of course, Hungry Bear. Again, this is one of those situations where we found a picture of a bear sitting at a picnic table, and what are you gonna do? You gotta put that in your show.

We're basically just BuzzFeed. Yeah. But to be fair, we're also Grindr, because another good idea is Hungry Bear. Hungry Bear. So, yeah, I think... What do you think he's hungry for? Honey?

Someone yelled burritos. Burrito dicks, but yes, burritos. Sure. Anyway, we want to do a contest now. We're going to need a couple of volunteers from the audience. There will be prizes. I don't know. Anybody on board for this?

There will be no embarrassing of you. Don't worry. You'll come out looking like a rose. Anybody here? This gentleman over here with the eyeglasses. You, sir. Come on up. Come on up. Can we get a classic boys versus girls situation? That's a little more

intense. Yeah, I think we would like a boys versus girls situation. I'm looking at you, ma'am. Let's go. Come on up. Yes, ma'am. Yes, you, ma'am. Give her a hand. Sexy librarian, please. Come on up. Yes, ma'am. Yes. You, ma'am. Give her a hand. Sexy librarian, please. Come on up. The stage entrance is right over here. Come on up on stage.

For the benefit of the home listener, this is the gal who knew about Fifty Shades of Grey. But probably because she's probably literally a librarian. Most of our listeners are literally librarians. Take a seat, guys. Take a seat. Sir, what's your name? Or I'll just call you Young Bob Odenkirk. Can I just call you Young Bob Odenkirk? I will happily answer to that,

yes. Fair enough. Young Bob Odenkirk. Feel free to adjust those microphones so you can get them right near... Craw. Right near Craw. Sir, what's your name again? It's Kyle. Kyle. I'm Young Bob Odenkirk. Sorry. We'll call you whatever comes to mind one way or the other. It's unlikely that I'll remember Kyle. And ma'am, what's your name?

I'm Stephanie. Stephanie, are you by chance literally a librarian? No, I'm a cook. You're a cook? Yeah. Okay, well, that's good. Where do you cook? Is it somewhere that you would want to plug? Yeah, I cook at a place in Oakland called Stag's Lunchette. Oh, yeah. Am I right? Stag's Lunchette. Young Bob Odenkirk knows it, apparently. Apparently no one else in the entire audience does. We brought up the one guy. And what's your name, did I already ask? Stephanie?

Stephanie, yeah. Stephanie. Okay, so we have Stephanie and Kyle here. How about a hand for Stephanie and Kyle for coming up to interview? Now, this next, this game that we're about to play, I think Jesse and I both agree that maybe the funniest thing in the world is when someone mispronounces a word slightly.

Yeah, I mean slightly. I don't think people need to go the full crazy nonsense, but when they just get it wrong. So you can kind of tell what they're saying, but it's wrong. Yeah, I think the quintessential example is instead of saying glasses, you say glass-ems.

Yeah, that's funny. That's a perfect example. See? It's hilarious. Everyone laughed. It's as funny as a picture of a bear. Sure. So that's what this game is based around.

Stephanie, Kyle, we're going to ask you to mispronounce words. Stephanie, since you're a lady and a chef, I'm going to let you go first. I should go first. Well, as soon as I said lady, I thought, is that sexist? San Francisco. And I was like, no, I'll throw chef in there. Just in case. Cover all the bases.

Stephanie, since you're a person. Persons go first. Kyle, as a substandard of real beauty, she's a good-looking lady, Stephanie. For the at-home listeners, she's a good-looking lady. Kyle, as an oppressive member of the patriarchy You'll have to wait in the lobby You can console yourself

With your seven more cents on the dollar Steam the tortillas Kyle seriously Let's find out about Kyle Kyle what kind of graphic designer are you? Sadly, I'm just married to one. Okay. But I work somewhere where you used to work, Jesse.

I work for the San Francisco Opera. Wow, that's fantastic. You work full-time for the opera? How about a hand for the opera? I do. Okay, give it up for the opera I believe that three or four weeks ago On this very program I went on record as saying that the opera was a waste of money

I apologize to you sir I can't entirely disagree But they have employed me now for many years Are you an office employee? A backstage employee? I am, I work in the box office Okay many, many years. Are you an office employee, a backstage employee? I am. I work in the box office. Okay.

That's great. Do you ever just go backstage? Oh, no. That's a secret. Okay. Well, we do get free ice cream on opening day, so the performances, so we get to go backstage for that. But you have to wear a black tie. Obviously.

And you have to have had your tonsils out. I'm going to give you guys a secret of the San Francisco Opera, because it's been a long time since I've worked there, and I feel like I can share this. And I have put this into practice. There is a side door on the Opera House that's by the parking lot in that little park that's in between the Symphony and the Opera House, or in between the Opera House and the War Memorial. There's a door there. That's the stage door. That's where the people go in and out. Now, the opera is a big production and there's a lot of randos involved. There's a lot of just sort of neat homosexual gentlemen that sing background

on one number in every opera. And so if you walk through that door with confidence, you can literally walk on stage at the opera. No one will stop you. Like, walk through that door. And I did this. Our friend Tyler McNiven, who now runs the restaurant West of Picos, which you should all visit on Valencia Street, perhaps after dinner. Our friend Tyler McNiven and I went to San Francisco from Santa Cruz once. Just walked in and stood in the wings and watched an entire opera

and at one point we got scared because there was some policemen there luckily they were part of the opera they were opera policemen. And you guys were worried you would be asked to go on stage because you were dressed as swans yeah it was purely coincidental

purely coincidental so Purely coincidental. If anybody has any beads on any swan parties after this, you go and you mate for life. Sure. He saw it in an anime once and he's been fixated on it for a long time. So, well, that's

wonderful work. Neil? Ryan? Young Bob Odenkirk. Kyle. No, it's Young Bob Odenkirk. Kyle. Kyle.

Okay. Kyle, that's really cool work. Do you like the opera, or is it just a job? It's kind of just a job. It's a lot of fun to see when you can go, yeah. But, you know, I've never been a big fan. They spend, I mean, they spend slash waste a lot of money on it. That's pretty aggressive, right?

On me, primarily, I guess. When I went to see it, I was in charge of changing light bulbs when I was in high school at the Opera House for a while, if you don't know. You guys know that, right? It's on my Wikipedia page. Just read my Wikipedia. Take a second, read my Wikipedia page, and we'll start over. But I would go to the opera and I would just think

I would just look at the shit they'd have like a live elephant on stage you know what I mean like there would be a laser show you know they would have kill a runaway Bill Clinton would be there but he'd just be standing on stage like they gave him his speaking fee just to stand on stage it would make me

really pissed off I would have serious class issues when I saw that it's pretty cool if you can get in. I recommend going in the side door and watching from the wings. So this is how the mispronouncing contest works, guys. We're going to give first you,

Stephanie, right? Stephanie? Yep. Good work, Jessie. It's like I'm the host of the show. Stephanie, we're going to give you a word to pronounce. You'll hear a sound which sounds like this, if you would. And when that ding goes off, you have to immediately mispronounce the word. Okay. Okay?

You know what? If you... Fuck. If you... Wait. There is a pause. Have you heard of dead air? Yeah. You know why they call it If you Wait There is a pause Have you heard of dead air? Yeah

You know why they call it that? Yeah I do Because that will murder you Okay Listen we take pride In our shows Having no fat At all

These are lean Lean Well planned shows Not a second is wasted If you think you can come up here and whatever, I don't know, whatever you want,

talk about burritos for 15 minutes. That kind of shit doesn't fly on Jordan Jesse Go. So you will have just that number of seconds to think of your answer and you will have to immediately mispronounce it.

As soon as you have mispronounced it, Stephanie, then Kyle, you have to mispronounce it. And Jordan and I will decide who mispronounce it. As soon as you have mispronounced it, Stephanie, then Kyle, you have to mispronounce it, and Jordan and I will decide who mispronounced it better and award a point. We will lose track of the score.

So at the end, it'll kind of be arbitrary. Yeah, but hey, that's what show business is all about. Why did I start saying that? Well, I went through with it. Let's talk about, let's have our first word. Are you ready on the sound effects?

Can we hear it one more time? I fucking made that myself at home. I mean, I didn't, I didn't like make it, if you're picturing me like as a foley guy Like wearing iron shoes And walking through gravel to make it Like or shaking a big sheet of metal I didn't do that I didn't make it with a clave

But I did make it I'm very proud of it Okay are you ready Stephanie? Yeah I'm ready Okay your first word is Broadway Are you ready, Stephanie? Yeah, I'm ready. Your first word is... Broadway. Broadway.

Bronways. Say again? Broadway. Yeah, I'm giving... Wow. This is strong out of the box. I want you guys to know. These fucking people get it

I'm predicting a barn burner Yeah Stephanie enunciated a little bit better I think that's why I would give it to her Yeah, the other one was a little wishy-washy Okay, I'm giving the point to Stephanie Good work, Stephanie Thanks, you guys

Good work, Stephanie Look, Kyle, you can still come back Look at the San Francisco Giants, am I right? That's right Thank you Kyle, you're going first this time Your word is Cash

Cash Cash Cash Ka Stephanie, would you repeat? Ka I'm going, yeah, Kyle, come on Yeah, Kyle's our winner Stephanie, if you think you can come up here And just say the names of Cirque du Soleil shows,

you're right. I would enjoy that. That would be cool. I almost certainly would enjoy that. If you want to randomly say Zumanity instead of one of the words, I will enjoy that. Yeah.

Hey, if you want to just get in some tights and fuck somebody, which I think is what happens in Cirque du Soleil, I don't know. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I don't have a strong... Like on a trapeze. I don't know. Stephanie, you're going first this time. Here's your word. Saga.

Saga. Sega. Sega. They both kind of just said Sega. Which is a strong choice. Right. Sega. They both kind of just said Sega. They both said Sega. Which is a strong choice. Right.

I did have a Sega. I mean, I guess I have to give it to Stephanie because she pioneered it. Right, yeah. She's the first. Stephanie. Hey, hats off to the pioneers. Am I right?

Right. Okay. Tep it applause for pioneers. These guys are more 49er types, am I right? I'm sorry, I promise I will stop just saying San Francisco shit. Especially because I'm running out of shit to say. They filmed So I Married an Axe Murderer here. Good work.

You know. Nash Bridges. Okay, okay. Don't applaud Nash Bridges. It was a shitty show. It was a real shit show. Who's going first this time? Kyle.

Yeah. Okay. Kyle, you ready for this? You're not going to fuck this up, are you? Of course not. Yeah, we were all really embarrassed when that whole Sega thing happened. We're trying to put on a show here. I don't know if anybody told you that, but let's get serious about this whole thing.

Okay. I'm buckled down now, I promise. Okay. Your word is flannel. Flannel. Flannel. Zumanity. I can't remember.

Did we tell her to do that or not to do that? You told me to do that. You know, here's what I liked about it. Yeah? We told her to do that. You told me to do that. You know, here's what I liked about it. Yeah? We told her to do that, but she waited one. She held it in her back pocket. Yeah, yeah.

It's like the split-finger fastball. You don't want to show it too early in the count. Yeah, I mean, and let's face it. I mean, she could see that Kyle came out really strong with Flanel. Yeah. And she's like, well, if there was ever a time to brandish my big guns. Do you think, let me ask you this question. Yeah. And she's like, well, if there was ever a time to brandish my big guns...

Do you think... Let me ask you this question. Please. Did you watch the presidential debate? Yes. Do you think it would have been better if Obama just said Zumanity? Yes.

So, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, point for Stephanie. Right, Stephanie? Yeah, Stephanie. I'm really bad with names, you guys. What's that, about four for Stephanie and two for Kyle? Sure.

Okay. You can still come back, Kyle. You know what, Kyle? I believe in you. Thank you. Is it Stephanie's turn to go first? It is, yes. Here's the word.

Joe Biden. Joe Biden. go first. It is, yes. Here's the word. Joe Biden. Joe Biden. Old Bob Odenkirk. See, now here's the thing. Okay, sure. This is the part of the contest where contestants

start to flex their creativity. They think, you know what? I know a lot about mispronunciation. I'm a real hot shot. I've been doing this for all of seven minutes. But if you ask me, it's a lot like teenage drivers. This is where you can get into a lot of trouble. Plus, Kyle was texting while he was doing it, too.

Which, like teen driving, big no-no. Kyle, if you ask me, this guy Kyle thinks he's immortal. He thinks he's never going to die. But the truth is, he had great shit to work with here. Look, if the word was fish, I say, go, old Bob Odenkirk.

Roll it out. See what happens. The word here is Joe Biden. That's funny to begin with. Have you seen that guy's hair? Have you heard him talk about Scranton? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not even a mispronouncer. And hey,

on top of my head, Jabotin. That was, that's easy. Easy. Bush League. Stephanie. Stephanie all the way.

Okay. Controversial. It's okay. Controversial call. You know, I almost just said malarkey, but I thought that would be too un, like, just too un-tough. Yeah, it's good that you didn't say that.

That also would have been wrong. That was good that you didn't say that, yeah. So good work. So she really... Good work, Mr. Opera. She really made it. Have fun spending taxpayer dollars on your dalliances for the rich.

Yeah, and furthermore, mezzo-soprano. Sorry, I got a little heated. You know what, Kyle? I apologize. You're going to go first on this one, okay? This one's worth double points, I guess. For some reason. Or triple points, because she's in front by three.

So this one's worth triple points. Okay. You ready? Yes. You're not going to come with some bullshit, right? Because I'm hitching my train to your wagon here by giving you the opportunity to get triple points. Absolutely. You ready? Yes. You're not going to come with some bullshit, right? Because I'm hitching my train to your wagon here by giving you the opportunity to get triple points. Absolutely no bullshit,

I promise. Okay. Yeah. Because I will hold you to it. I will hire your wife to design a logo for Kyle is bullshit if you fuck this up. I don't care what her hourly rate is.

Okay, here's your word. Mercury Cougar. Mercury Cougar. Mercury Cougar. Mercury Cougar sounds like the name of someone who would have won an Oscar in 1997. Like a European actress who was in a

Woody Allen movie? Yeah, or like a Miramax movie. Yeah, sure. I'm not gonna lie to you, man. Okay, number one, Kyle, that was not bullshit. You did a good job. Thank you very much. You've changed your ways. I basically just used a Pittsburgh accent. Here's the thing.

All right, Pittsburgh. So was that... I just keep waiting for them to put downtown up there. That'd be the... Grinders? Is that what they eat in Pittsburgh? Or hoagies? Hoagies or grinders?

Permannies. Everyone yell the name of a sandwich. Older SM sandwiches is crap. Bernani's? That's a sewing machine. Fair enough. Yeah, Bermanti's. That's a type of sandwich?

Oh, that's a sandwich with french fries on it. That's the sandwich it is. That's where you're in scare to get your sandwiches. What do you call a submarine sandwich, though? A grinder or a type of sandwich? Oh, that's the sandwich with french fries on it. That's the sandwich it is. That's the place where you're scared to get your sandwiches. What do you call a submarine sandwich, though? A grinder or a hoagie? Oh, God, it's a hoagie, I guess. You know, wherever. Now you're doing voices.

What is this? What an evening with Daryl Hammond. Daryl Hammond? Because if so, why am I on stage? Let's get Daryl Hammond up here, folks. Let's get some impressions from the mid-90s. All I could think of as an example

was Pamela Anderson. Daryl Hammond's famous Pamela Anderson impression. I don't think you would do a good impression of Pamela Anderson. Daryl Hammond's famous Pamela Anderson impression. I don't think you would do a good impression of Pamela Anderson. I think we've got one more word. I'm going to give that one to Stephanie as well. So she has a four-point lead. Luckily, this last word is worth, I don't know, how many points?

Let's say all the marbles. Yeah, all the marbles. All the marbles. Yeah, all the marbles. We should clarify that we do have prizes, but we do not have marbles. Okay, are you ready for this, Stephanie? You're going first.

You're in the hot seat for this one. I can do it. You're not going to fuck this up. You're used to being in the hot seat. You're in the kitchen. Oh, yeah. I have all the time. Put the steak on the grill. Give me a knife.

Where's my saucier? Order up! I say that every day in those exact voices. Right? Foie gras! Oh, I like that. I'm angry it's illegal. Lunch! Anthony Bourdain! I've got a strong opinion about him.

Pro or con? Pro or con? Pro, definitely. We've got one word left. This is for all the marbles. Your word is... Point break. Point break.

That's the winner! I think Kyle is the winner! Kyle! Kyle! Wow. A last ditch. That was spectacular. Okay, so we do have prizes. We're in the Polish club here,

which is why there's that painting of Woodrow Wilson. And the Pope. Don't forget about the Pope. So, Kyle, as the winner, you earn this Polish flag. Congratulations, Kyle. Oh, my God. I'm so happy I'm out.

As the loser, Stephanie, you get this bachelorette party tattoo featuring a martini glass that says, Last Night Out. Thanks, you guys. It's awesome. bachelorette party tattoo featuring a martini glass that says, last night out. Thanks, you guys. It's awesome. And you know what, Jordan? We've got a couple more prizes under the table. I think we do.

Allow me to go under the table. Jordan's gonna go under the table. We got a nice box of swag from the good people at Good Vibrations. That's a sex-positive dildo store. Amazing dildonics at this place. Let me see what I...

I can't give you everything in the box, but I just want to pick out something that I think especially the two of you could use. You guys chat, and I'll rifle through this box. You know what? Here's something that I tell people. Like, if there's people at home who are thinking about becoming podcasters, people who call me, email me, asking for advice about podcasting, the central thing is never miss an opportunity to say the pseudo word, dildonics.

What do we got? What do we got? Okay, Kyle, since your wife works in the technology industry, I think that she would enjoy this space explorer vibe with a free extra stretchy sleeve. It's a Giga-powered love bullet. This is like for a robot's pussy. So take that to your tech-savvy

wife. She is going to love this. And Stephanie, since you... Did we just learn that Kyle has a robot pussy? Is that what we just learned? Stephanie, and since you are, I guess, a fan of literature, you piped up when we mentioned Fifty Shades of Grey.

We have something called Canyon Shadows by Vonna Harper. It's a book about awakening pleasures, and it features almost a picture of a man's penis on the front. Can I see this for a second? Oh, and there's a warning. This is a really hot book. Undeniable. Canine trainer Sherry Afton

can't deny the shiver of pleasure that runs through her at the sound of Mako Durant's sexy voice over the phone. If she's a dog trainer, then Mako Durant has to be a fellow lesbian. We have the same model Subaru, she moaned. Seems the trouble has followed this Wyoming rancher to Oregon, and he wants two of her guard dogs for protection,

and she wants to see the cowboy face-to-face. You know, all of this culminates in, with one touch, he ignites her erotic desire, and within his strong masculine embrace, definitely a fellow lesbian, she surrenders to a wild ride in the saddle, Western style.

That means with snaps instead of buttons. Thanks, you guys. I thought it was covered in barbecue sauce. Let's hear it. Let's hear it for Stephanie and Kyle. Stephanie and Kyle, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Do you want to bring our guests onto the show? I would love to. These guys are some of our favorite podcasters. Some of our favorite guys, period, I would say. Every way. Podcasting, friendship, sexuality. Sure. We do a little bit of this.

We do a little bit of this. Two peenies like this. Yeah, one goes like this. And you bounce it back and forth of this. We do a little bit of this. Two peenies like this. Yeah, and one goes like this. And you bounce it back and forth like this. It's called the tuning fork. It's called the tuning fork. It's a very... It's a very sophisticated gay move.

Your goal is sympathetic vibrations. For the home listener, it's like a peace sign with a penis going back and forth. From the wonderful podcast, You Look Nice Today, please welcome Scott Simpson and Merlin Mann. Scott and Merlin! Scott and Merlin! Yes! Yes! 4-4-0.

Oh, here's our friend Scott and Merlin, huh? I love them. I should point out that there's a guy in the front row wearing Merlin's face on a T-shirt. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah, which makes me feel a little self-conscious that maybe everybody was just here waiting for Merlin. Like, all right, fucking rope in the mispronunciation.

It does. I'm like, where's everybody's me and Jordan's face t-shirts? I know we don't sell them. Make them. I don't know. Make them. Fugazi style. Yeah.

How are you guys? I'm well. I'm very well. It's really nice to be here. Thanks for having us out. Oh, yeah. It's exciting. We haven't seen you particularly in a little while, Merlin.

I hope you're doing well. I live in the non-burrito part of San Francisco. I don't get out very much. We have burritos, but I might as well be like Hormel in a can. Oh, you know what you got? I don't get out a lot. Out where you live. Fucking soup dumplings. Holy cow. Have you guys had soup

dumplings? Am I right? Yeah. We get a... First gunpowder, now this. Talk about fireworks. Shanghai soup dumplings. Anybody? We do. It's Terravel Street, don't be creepy, is where it all goes down with those noodles. They're really good. Those things are amazing.

You know what, though, Merlin? I have been following your Tumblr. You have a popular Tumblr, so I do know that you've almost exclusively been reading X-Men comic books for the last two years. Jordan, a little help? Guys, let's go deep. Okay, Warren Ellis' run

on Astonishing. Thoughts? Some tepid applause. It's a really, it's a nice feeling to go somewhere with my friend Scott and say something so nerdy that he rolls his eyes and walks in the other direction. I've only done it like four times. And tonight he walked up and we were going like, Joss Whedon versus John Cassidy. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go. And it's like, that's, yeah. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go.

Scott, correct me if I'm wrong, but are you excited to be in this position where you and I are the soches? We're like the popular kids. It's so good. They have somehow outnerded us. We're going to beat Jordan and Merlin up after the show, right? Yeah. I want to see some classic bully stuff. I want to see a wedgie. I want to see a swirly.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Purple nurples. I'd like someone to force me to eat something. That would be fun. I feel like when they were designing the Polish awareness house, is that what it's called? Yeah. The Polish awareness. The international house of awareness.

The Polish awareness center. I feel like one of their sole precondition when they designed the bathrooms was make it good for swirlies. Nice wide bowl, fit in head. That's my Polish impression, which is very offensive. Very offensive. It's kind of more of a general European that I like to use. So, Scott, if we're in the burrito district and Merlin is from the soup dumpling district,

where do you call home? The way I say it is a little too long, but let me say it. You know, like, states have commemorative quarters. Right. If cities had commemorative quarters, San Francisco's commemorative quarter would have a head of George Washington

on one side and a burrito and assless chaps on the other side. And Berkeley's commemorative quarter would have just a pile of hair. Locally sourced. Yeah, that's right. Locally sourced organic hair, body hair.

And my town, I live in Burlingame, which is kind of the suburbs. My town would be a sensible Asian lady in a ponytail and yoga pants getting into a Land Rover. Boop, boop. So that's the local delicacy, is what you're saying. That's what you eat when you come to Burlingame. But the Land Rover would be rampant. But the Land Rover would be rampant.

Scott, you used to work at a company that I will call Snapple. Sure. But for those in the know, he used to work at Fruitopia. Shut up. No, don't. They are. They are not. So, yeah, but you have become recently unemployed.

Yeah, that's right. I recently left my job, my sort of 40-hour-a-week job, to do more, like, creative stuff and try and figure out what I'm doing with my life. And it's been a challenge. And I was surprised by how challenging it was. You know, I figured I'd have all the time in the world to get up and write a novel and then have lunch and do everything. And I don't have that time.

And, you know, I wake up and I watch all the pornography. And then I go to the gym. And I don't work out at the gym. How is all the pornography? It's a good question. Once I finish Boardwalk Empire, I'm going to start. And people say you have to start from the beginning.

You can't just jump into all the pornography in the middle of the season. I really feel like, I mean, there's a lot of it. So I don't know what you guys do.

It has to be replenished. Oh, sure. It's an exhaustible resource. Well, it depends on what refraction period. I mean, the way I do it is I... I don't know. Maybe I'm sounding a little bit

like Mitt Romney up here. Definitely. You're definitely sounding like Mitt Romney up here. Maybe we wouldn't have such a problem with pornography if we just used coal to make it. People. Clean burning coal. Clean coal. Pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen.

Corn. Coal. Black chicks. Clean coal. Clean coal equals more porno. Corn. Coal. Black chicks. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. You know, because there's so much of it, I can't watch all of it. So I watch, you know, the first, well, you know, the first seven seconds and the last seven seconds. So I feel like that episode of I Love Lucy.

Did you notice that Jesse had VLC on there? That's pretty cool. It's got bookmarking. It's really handy. You know what? I think he's an old pro. Merlin, we're talking about cool people stuff right now. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Pornography. Mitt Romney. Put it on a three by five card, Merlin. Mitt's son, Tope. If you guys ever want to just say fuck it to the conversation and make up some Mitt Romney kid names. I got one.

Gay Bash. Forced haircut. Hairstyle. What about hairstyle? Oh yeah, that's good. Pabst. One of the things about changing from having a very demanding job to not having a job is just the shock of what do I do with myself? Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right.

It's a real challenge because I have this whole day, and before I know it, you know, I'm at the public library and I go to the public library because it's a good place to work but it's also if you smell like ass... You're working on a book of quotes from homeless people, right? I am. I saw a guy who's working on a thousand page letter to

Abraham Lincoln. If you smell like ass and you're on the run from the police, run into the public library, they'll never find you in there. So that's all I do. I mean, I don't have a whole lot of structure in my life, and I know that you guys,

all three of you, are in various ways. That's what, okay, so that's what I was going to ask, because Merlin, Scott is unemployed. Merlin, you're unemployable. Totally. Yeah. And it's been years now.

It's a delicate balance. Yeah. So what do you do in your life? Well, I've... Read X-Men comics. Easy text. I've walked this terrible road that Scott is on. And the thing is, you think you want to have structure, but you don't want to have no structure.

There's somewhere in between. You should be able to masturbate on your own terms. Right. And still be able to finish your, I assume, biography of Irma Bombeck and Andy Rooney. Pretty good. Comprehensive. But no, it's really hard. Because the thing is, when you're on your own,

it can just go tits up at any time because you can go, you can go on any, you know, like, like you're a library guy, right?

We're all library guys. You're in college. You'll put anything off to like just sit and read Life Magazine, right? And there's your day. Sorry.

Well, it's a little boy's life, but sure. In my case, National Geographic for kids. Zoo books. Cimmerillion for Game Boy. Is that two jokes? I'm not sure.

But no, the problem is it's structure. It's lack of structure. And when you're new to that, you can blow the whole thing up. Weekends go by, nothing is happening. And I think you need a certain amount of structure to understand how to have the right balance of not having a job. Right. It's like eating the elephant.

So can you give me an example of a specific element of structure in your day other than what we've talked about before, what you call your jack-off window? Right. JW. Yeah. Well, the problem is, like, for Scott, I mean, I think Scott, we can all agree, he's just basically a bag of bones that's kind of always on the edge of falling apart. Sure.

And if it weren't for the Prius and the Bills, I mean, who knows? But, you know, when you have some place to be and they'll mostly notice you if you're not there for six weeks, it lends you a certain amount of gravitas. Right. And then when you don't have that, you have to introduce that yourself. So you start circling things on the calendar and deciding, that guy's got my chair and now I've got to bumfight him or whatever. Do you get that? You get a little small.

Exactly. I've started to invent ways to give structure to my day that I had no idea would exist before. You're going to want to put a guy on blast for spending too much time at the microfiche. Do you give demerits? Stephanie, you're a librarian.

I have a quick question. Do libraries have mayors? Because... Kyle, I have some questions about Mr. Show. What's David Cross really like? Do you improvise a lot on the set of Breaking Bad? I had a little bout of unemployment at the beginning of the year. No.

I know. Surprise. Here's a little something that I like to do to feel just a little nugget of accomplishment. You get the Netflix. You watch it. You have it back in the mail before pickup. There you go. Box checked.

You're gaming the system. You're getting more Netflix than they expected and expected. So you're saying a one-day turnaround. Yeah, one-day turnaround. Or one day, I believe in Netflix they call it a refractory period. Sure, exactly. As they call it a refractory period. Sure, exactly. As they call it, a slut jammer. So in other words, small goals.

So set some goals during my day. Tiny, meaningless victories. No, I am against this. I think you need to think big. I think mayor of the library is only the first step on a long journey. Do I have to be elected mayor? Or can I just sort of put a hat and a sash on and Here's the thing, Scott.

You do have to be elected. However, if you put the hat and sash on, it's a done deal. You will be elected. You're golden. Yeah, you're like a Democratic congressman from San Francisco. I mean, every library I've ever been

into, it's a total power vacuum. Nothing is happening. They're waiting for a Stalin. They want somebody to come in who's got a goddamn sash. It's going to fix the place. There's all these librarians, but none of them will shush you

and unhook their hair. Take up the giant glasses. We have a book about that in this box down here. Where's our porno box? I think first you run for mayor of the San Francisco

Public Library. Then you run for president of the Library of Congress. Okay. And then you run for king of the Library of Congress. Okay. And then you run for king of books. Oh. I don't know. I mean, maybe we can kind of combine these two ideas.

I mean, what else kind of catalogs arts and culture? Do you think you can jockey this into being president of Netflix? Well, is that a position that you think is open? Yeah. Yes. Almost certainly. So if there's a thing, if there's a noun in the world, you can be president of it? I think so.

I can only assume. We are in America. This isn't communist Russia. Stephanie would know, right? Yeah. Look, Scott, if you don't think that they're at least considering new candidates for the position of president of Netflix. You have not considered the recent success

of Blockbuster by Mail. They are really questioning some of the choices that they've made over at Netflix. You can return it in the store. I mean, come on, guys. Store closing. This location only. It's what it says on hundreds of

Blockbuster videos. Can I ask a question about your unemployment, though? Please. Jesse, you've got kind of a phony baloney papered-on job like most of us. To be fair, I have 17 phony baloney. Yeah. Right, exactly. They're like Boy Scout medals.

Yeah. Knot tying. Who would need that? Auto-erotic knot death. I'm a podcaster, a public radio host, and vice president in charge of Pinewood Derby. Another job as real as those would be a cloud. Cloud.

as real as those would be a cloud. I am the president of the cumulonimbus division. Sorry, Merlin, we cut you off there with some... Thank God, somebody finds it. There was some gold that we had to mine. Let's talk about burritos, shall we? But when you were making the transition from having some kind of a phony-bloney job on a regular basis

to being completely just consumed with how useless you are, wasn't there an awkward period you went through? Like, when you go from being someone who can fake it for a while to being somebody who is completely useless, I think that's a hard time for people. And frankly, if I could speak for you, Scott,

for a moment, I think this is something you're probably struggling with. You seem like a man who still has a little bit of dignity for no particular reason. At some point, my concern is you started out, you were at the Snapple, you moved through, you got a couple of nice pre-ins.

For the whole listener, Scott Simpson is bogarting our brews. And so I just, I don't know, it's your show, but I just want to make sure that Scott has the tools that he needs to move as he discovers more and more how not useful he is to his family and other people, that there be a way for him to understand

how to kind of cobble that together and make something out of it. Here's what I'm thinking, Scott. You have three great examples in front of you. You have three people who in front of you. You have three people who Everyone looked around. If you guys are listening on the radio, everyone turn to the audience. There are three people here who have made

a life of serial unemployment. Here's my lesson to you. Lucrative career in podcasting. Right? Okay, okay. Explain how that works. That's where unemployed people go

to pretend they have a paying job. Right, right. That's good. If I could say one quick thing that I think might bring together a few strands of this. Jesse, you had suggested being maybe the mayor of the library

or of the San Francisco library system. That seems like a big first step for me. I mean, I have duties at home. I was recently in the library at where I go, and my son and I were washing our hands in the sink, and next to us was a guy who had most of his clothes off. And yay, most of your clothes off. And he looked like Beetlejuice and he was giving himself a sponge bath. And that's cool.

I'm cool with that. I mean, that's like a totally legitimate use of the library bathroom. And he and I made eye contact accidentally and he looked at me and he said, nerd. eye contact accidentally and he looked at me and he said, nerd.

And I was like, okay, I get it. I'm tall and gawky. I have goofy glasses. You were wearing your beanie with a propeller. I was. I was. I have scrawny arms that are good for nothing except for online bill pay. I get that. I, you know, I have scrawny arms that are good for nothing except for online bill pay. I get that. I get that. But you know what? You know what, motherfucker?

Scott Simpson. Except for online bill pay. In the library. You know what? This is my turf. It's your domain. Sure. I am in the library right now.

This is your Michael Douglas moment. You are angry. You want to call me a nerd in the bathroom of a university football stadium? A sports event? Yeah, a sports event. Sure, that's fine. You want to call me a nerd in the Polish house bathroom? I get it.

It's fair. But in this? You are doing your thing. You've got your broken glasses in one hand and medical tape in the other. That's right. That's right. I didn't say that. I just squealed and threw my kid at him medical tape in the other. That's right. That's right. I didn't say that. I just squealed and threw my kid at him and ran out the door.

And I just think, like, it's really appalling that Michael Keaton would act like that. I know. And, I mean, I guess, you know, I mean, he's a big shot at a, I don't know, a multiplicity fan convention. Sure. But you're equals in the library. Yeah. But I think maybe, I mean, this seems like a good place to start, based on your advice from all of you. Maybe

mayor of the library bathroom is a good place to start. Oh, yeah. It's like you become the alderman of the stall. You become alderman of the stall, or assistant alderman of the stall, vice alderman. You move up a little bit. You become, I guess you become like a chancellor of the air blast. alderman in the stall. Vice alderman. You move up a little bit. You become, I guess you become like a chancellor of the air blast. You get to the door.

You make it all the way out. It's a green bathroom. And you've got to make it all the way out. You know what? It's like an RPG, they call it. You've got to make your way out of there. You know what, Scott? Number one, I think you can do this.

Yes. Number two, I want to be your campaign manager. Number three, here's your fucking campaign slogan. Fucking Dyson Airblade. That's all you need to say. One of those super fucking hand dryers they have at the airport. You could become king of any bathroom

in America if you were offering one of those. Hey homeless guys, put your wieners in there. That would be awesome. And draw out slowly. Yeah, right. And draw out slowly. Will that create jobs for America? It's like you're having sex with the wind.

That thing that's telling you to kill people. I think, fucking, you know, if I could summarize this, Scott, I would say problem solved. Problem solved. Oh, you know what? I actually was wondering if you guys might be interested in, with us, doing a few momentous occasions. I would love that. A regular feature on our show.

a regular feature on our show. What we did was we, before the show started, the audience filled out 3x5 cards. You're like a fucking hour late guy that just brought a momentous occasion to the stage. He's like, I'm going to get in on this. We had people title the momentous occasions and put their names, so all we have is kind of a one-word, two-word title of a momentous occasions and put their names, so all we have is kind of a one-word, two-word

title of a momentous occasion. By the way, that guy also just absentee voted for Hillary. One more point for Michael Dukakis. Other things he's late for is the category. I like your goofy talk show

host character. Thank you. Jimmy Swaggart. What we have is a stack of 3x5 cards with some kind of one, two word momentous occasions and we're going to kind of pick the ones that we want to hear about and then the best one is going to get something from the old sex box. Yeah, totally.

We have a couple that don't really need explanation. This one's from Liata? Liata? Liata? Lita? Lita? Lita?

Yes. Liata? Lita. Hoagies. Grinders. Grinder? Urethra? I ate lunch at a place in Texas called Bum Doodlers.

That's pretty good. That's good. I'm not going to lie. That's pretty good. Don't think I need to hear any more about it. Pretty good. That's pretty good. We got one from Tracy.

She says, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure yesterday. Tracy, if you want to meet me at the side exit I can bring it down a couple notches I have some skills Sorry, that was my phone In Burlingame they call him the Sphigmomanometer Here's one I think

that we definitely want to hear about It's from someone called Scott, it's not you Scott I don't think Here's one I think that we definitely want to hear about. It's from someone called Scott. It's not you, Scott, I don't think. It's just the word puberty. Oh, that was me. No, that wasn't me. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I did notice your voice was a couple registers lower. Started high. Started high. Went low. Scott, are you here? Woo! We don't want to talk to that guy. Scott seems like a goofball.

All right, Scott. I'm going to need you to take it down a couple notches, but get up here to this microphone and tell us about this. Get this microphone up here. Come on, Scott. Let's do this. Come on up, Scott. Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I tell a quick Scott, Scott? Go to this microphone right here. Right here by Yes Sir. Scott, can I say one thing real quick? Don't you think, Scott, it's like we have the worst name. Oh my god, yeah. It's like the guy on the soccer team who can get you a hipnol.

Yeah, he keeps it in his shin guard. Just go ask him after practice. Anyway, continue. Dude, do you know you can get high from whipped cream canisters? That's what Scott knows. I totally heard it from Scott. Scott says that if you keep enough socks under your bed and sleep on it for six weeks, it turns into hash.

I'm totally serious. Dude, Scott's parents are out of town. We're going to play with his dad's gun. And if everyone dies That happens Because of Scott Hey Frank It's me Scott Can I fuck your sister? Scott's a chill guy

Scott you seem like A cool dude though Thank you You do seem like A cool dude So Scott You didn't Did you actually

Just go through puberty? No You look like a grown man So this was just A bullshit answer You put in here It could have been You have caught me Here's the thing this was just a bullshit answer you put in here. It could have been. Here's the thing.

Are you from a foreign country? Are you a foreigner coming here and selling bullshit to our youth? Yes, I am. Oh, boy. This guy's stealing our jobs. So, Scott, what did you mean by this thing, or was this just a ploy to get on mic? If you guys can see Scott out here in the audience, we should explain Scott obviously has the physique of a bicycle racer. And that's why he had delayed puberty.

Lance Armstrong-esque. Not the 13-year-old that you might expect to come up having had a momentous occasion called puberty, right? This is not local pandering, but I was thinking about having my bicycle shipped from my mom's basement in San Francisco to Los Angeles, and our local bike store by my mom's house is called Valencia Cyclery. And so I went on their website to look and see whether they shipped bikes, and they had a staff photograph there, and there's this tiny Asian man who works at Valencia Cyclery who has that bicycle racing thing where your body fat gets so low that your hormones get withdrawn, and then you talk like this.

And I saw him. He's been working there. He has both delighted and terrified me since I was like six years old. You can go there right now and check out that dude. Scott,

this is your deal, right? Scott, go sit down. We've got important stuff to talk about. Good job, Scott. Thank you. Scott, ladies and gentlemen. Puberty. Puberty. Puberty. Pupes. Pupes. Emily, are you here? Emily? Emily, come on up. Come on up,

Emily. Come on up to this microphone. How about Emily, huh? I should say, just a quick question for Emily before we start. I actually noticed your sweatshirt coming in. It says Humboldt Crew. Is that about rowing or smoking weed? Or is that about Scott?

Wait a minute. It's got a paragraph on the back. It says Ace Crew in California. So that does not clear anything up. The plot thickens. We should explain. We're having a hard time following this because we are super high.

We are really big. It is about rowing. If she takes off the shirt, you can find the car. Straight into the microphone, Emily. Straight into the microphone. Do you guys get baked before you row? She made a really cute we sure do face. That was a really cute face.

It was a really cute we sure do face. Okay, Emily. You know what? When you row crew, that is a serious wake and bake. Am I right? Yeah. Because you have to get up so early. Tiny part of the Venn diagram that both rows crew in is a stoner.

As we were making that joke, a guy got up and left. So, you know what? Totally fair, sir. You know what's great is Market Street. Am I right? No, you. Scott, I already milked. I mean, Merlin, I already milked that cow.

Oh, sorry. You actually, your momentous occasion was totally amazing. Did you really drive eight hours from Eureka to get here? Yeah. Wow. Well done. What'd you do on the drive? Listen to some tunes? Listen to music. Usually I listen to podcasts,

but I listened to all of them this week, so... It's cool. It's cool. Yeah. If you want to do, like, whatever after, that's cool. Stay relaxed. You just want to be really relaxed. It's fine. Let's cool. If you want to do whatever after, that's cool. Stay relaxed. You just want to be really relaxed. Fine. Let's talk.

Let's hang out after. I got some music. You got music? I got music. I got so much music. Guys. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Humble crew.

Humble crew. Emily, I think we all agree that that's a pretty good story. Your we sure do face was great. So I think I'm going to give you from Goodbye Vibrations these burlesque nipple tassels.

So there you go. There you go, pal. This is the third time tonight I've applauded to burlesque nipple tassels. Emily, because you drove eight hours here for the show, I'm going to throw this tiny dinosaur at you. Emily, you came down just for Jordan and Jesse Go Live, right? You know we're doing a show in Humboldt tomorrow, right?

And by doing a show, I mean it's harvest season. The show is just us pointing out where the Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon sync up. It is a very good show. Emily, thank you so much. Emily, ladies

and gentlemen. It is a very good show. Emily, thank you so much. Emily, ladies and gentlemen. Here's one from Becky. I finished my book proposal outline today. I think, I hope. Becky, come here.

I want to talk to you about your book. There's Becky. Becky, well done, Becky. Well done, well done. Front row, she's got some Triforce jewelry. Becky, tell me what your book is about. It's about me. Uh-huh.

My favorite subject. Gross. I agree. Sorry. Oh, no. You don't say you agree. I'm sorry. I'm really nervous. Becky, no, you don't say you agree. I'm sorry, I'm really nervous. Becky, is it a memoir?

You're supposed to think that it's great that we think... I'm going to guess Becky's doing slash fiction of herself. Is that what it's called, slash fiction? It's you and Sonic the Hedgehog, right? You don't usually... Sonic turned to me hedgehoggingly. I was in a video game. Seriously, Becky, tell us what the book is about. It is a collection of personal essays,

and it charts me through high school till now. And hold on, just to clarify, I mean, you're a celebrity, right? No. You were one of those Hugh Hefner wives, right? Yeah, yeah. You can tell by my big boobs. She's doing...

Kate, you know, can you give her something from the Dildo box? Give her something right now. She wins. You know what? She already wins. Give her something from the box.o box? Give her something right now. She already wins. Give her something from the box. Becky, if you're interested. I know it's probably tough writing a book proposal.

So here is a Please brand sexual lubricant. Yeah! I'm not saying get rid of her. I'm saying she just should win some stuff. This is good. Now Becky's leaving. We're not done with you. Get back up there. Let's talk about the sexual lubricants.

I don't know if you know this, but I own a small publishing company. Yes, I did know that. It's mostly about former San Francisco Giants pitchers Rick Russell and Don Caveman Robinson sucking each other's dicks.

Slash pick. It's 89 San Francisco Giants. Slash pick. Fucking Jose Uribe gets in there. Shit gets crazy. Little of this. Little of this. Rest in peace. Little of this.

But tell us what you're obviously, I'm going to presume that you're a very gifted writer I hope so My agent thinks so She's got an agent She's legit ladies and gentlemen She dropped the agent on us I'm sure it'll turn out great

Are there particular Non-molestation related Events in your life Because you can't bring that up at a party. That is so ableist. Are there particular events in your life that you think people who don't know you, except of course as the woman with the beautiful boobs.

Big boobs? Big boobs. Big and beautiful, let's be honest. Big and beautiful, let's be honest. Big and beautiful. Marker. You know, we're all the definition of real beauty. We really are, aren't we, everybody? We've all got curves in all the right places.

I know I do. I, for one, am proud to be a Latina. Becky, are there events in your... Momentous occasions. This is someone who has literally collected momentous occasions. Yes, that's what I want to know. I want to know what... This is an occasionalist.

What are the circumstances, what are the distinctive circumstances of your life that have led to this? Well, one of my writing samples is about when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at UC Santa Cruz. Yeah! Yeah, slugs!

Slugs! Cancer! Slugs! Cancer! Slugs! Slugs! Cancer! Slugs!

Cancer! Cancer! And that is really tough because I hear, I mean, that makes a lot of sense because I hear that one of the leading causes of ovarian cancer is hacky sack. causes of ovarian cancer is hacky sack. And I chose to announce my diagnosis on Facebook and I got a lot of unexpected reactions. Oh, interesting.

For instance? Like, like. I'm liking it. She's not afraid to go to a doctor. And someone just put up the video for Gangnam Style. What was that supposed to mean? Ovarian cancer. Sorry, what did they say?

I don't even know what the question was. What was unusual about the people? That they were insensitive? I hate insensitive people. I think the interesting thing, when you are diagnosed with something or something really horrible happens to you, a lot of people

like to make it about them. Which is very, which I didn't know. I'd never had cancer before. You know what? It's funny. A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. Typical Jesse. And I heard the same thing from him.

Jesse, Jesse, you have been so brave through this whole thing. I remember you posting about that when that happened. You checked in, you did a four-square check and somewhere you had toast. And I remember you said that someone had said that to you and I was like, you were so brave.

Was it the four-square from the 5K? Yes, it was 5K. I'm not that to you, and I was like, you were so brave. Was it the four square from the 5K? Yes, it was 5K. I'm not trying to brag, but I did a 5K. I walked, but I raised over $75. Oh, ladies. I mean, let's get back to you. Where were

you when you heard that Jesse did a 5K? What was your initial reaction? Did you think he was impressive, did a 5k? What was your initial reaction? Did you think he was impressive, like a hero? Like really, did he look like fitness? Here's the thing about Jesse is he's not gonna cross post, okay? Number two, he's not gonna retumble, he's not gonna retune,

he's not gonna restart, he's not gonna retum. You're gonna have to follow Jesse, okay? Jesse's not always gonna follow you. If you wanna find out where Jesse is helping people, okay? You're the one who are going to have to, you going to have to get in his sights. You know what's my recommendation? 5K is 5,000. I'm the fucking leprechaun.

My recommendation is I'm the fucking leprechaun. Follow me to the pot of gold. I will. Becky, ladies and gentlemen. Becky. Do we want to do one more? Yeah, I will. Becky, ladies and gentlemen. Becky. Do we want to do one more? Yeah, I do.

This one doesn't have a name, but trust me, you know who you are. I had to pull my 80-year-old grandmother out of a doggy door. Sir, madam, please, to the front, come on. Who is it?

This young lady over here. You know what? I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate our audience not only on being physically attractive, which one would expect with Scott and Merlin here, but also on dressing for the occasion. I've seen three necklaces tonight.

This young lady is wearing statement jewelry to a podcast taping. And I like that. I like it to see a sense of occasion. I just, I mean, while we're on this, Jack, I just want to go back to Becky real quick. Is your necklace a Zelda reference? I call it a Zelda reference. Good enough.

Good enough. Good enough. If your boyfriend bought it for you, it's definitely a Zelda reference. Your boyfriend's here, huh? I know what news groups you post on. If you're interested, I have some link tinkle slash fic. That was good.

That was pretty good. Oh, I forgot to throw a dinosaur at you, Becky. There you go. Sorry, ma'am, what's your name with the elephant jewels? My name's Katie. You can get right up to the mic, Katie. Right up on that microphone, yeah, Katie. Katie, what were the circumstances of pulling your

grandmother through a doggy door? She was supposed to pick me up, and she never did. I was at a horseback riding lesson, so my trainer gave me a ride home. Hold on. Slower. Way slower. Because it sounds like the plot of an erotic novel. Don't make it weird.

Don't make it weird. Is it a lady or a man that was driving you home? A lady. Okay. Great. Don't worry, Grandma's going to be fine. She's not going anywhere. Here's what I want to know.

Did you already tell us what your name is? Katie. Katie, I want to know, and you can help me if you have any insight into this. Why does Jordan think that erotic novels start, my grandmother was supposed to pick me up from a riding lesson? Because he reads books, Jesse.

Because I read. He understands that life is complicated, and sometimes you ride a horse. You know what, guys? I don't even have a TV. 5K, ladies and gentlemen. 5K. So, okay. So you got a ride home

from your sultry female trainer. Was her name Amanda? I should explain that I have a breeches fetish. Check. Is that a thing that's related to horseback riding? I think it is. You own a crop.

You own a riding crop, though. You own a riding crop. Yeah. Cool. Great. Awesome. It's awesome. Awesome.

That's great. Awesome. So the side door is just right over there. Right. We'll talk later. It's fine. So, okay, so you've gotten this ride home, and then when was the elderly pulled out of the dog door? I knocked on the door because I didn't have a key.

The dog door or the regular door? The regular door. Let's define our terms, okay. Show, don't tell. And I heard her yelling from inside, so I went around to the side door, and her lower body was sticking out of the doggy door. Starting with which part? Like right above her back.

Okay. I mean, above her butt. For Jordan's benefit, her shapely lower body was sticking out of the doggy door. Thank you. Love it. So wait, and this was around back? Yes. Does your grandmother have a dog?

It was my house. We had a dog. You have a dog. What kind of dog do you have? Westie. West Highland. Right here. Was this Herbie Hancock's Axel F video?

I bet that's great. I bet that was a great reference. I'm assuming. that was terrific. Ladies and gentlemen, an old man. Dave's not here, man. She had passed out? Katie, let me ask you this question. Where's the beef?

Am I right, Scott? Totally right. Herb. Easy, easy beef? Am I right, Scott? Totally right. Herb. Easy, easy, Jesse. I am not a crook. 23 skidoo down to a gin joint after this. Wait, why was half of her body out of a dog door? When we would lock ourselves out, we would stick our arms up the doggy door

and unlock the back door, but she stuck her whole upper body through there, and she got swollen from being stuck in there, and she couldn't get out. Did you call sexy firemen? I called my dad. Is he a sexy fireman? Is he in the cast of The Chicago Fire,

Wednesdays on NBC? Is he in the cast of Chicago Hope Fire Wednesdays on NBC? Is he in the cast of Chicago Hope? Is your father Mandy Patinkin? If so, can you bring him in? Can he sing a few show tunes for us? So she was thankful that you ripped her out. Yes. Well, terrific.

You're kind of a hero. Do you think of yourself as a hero? You just skipped straight to you ripped thankful you ripped her out. I want to know the fucking details of this. Maybe I'm an engineering nerd. You know? But who knows? One of the Mythbusters could be here. They shoot that in San Francisco.

Let's talk about this. Nash Bridges. No, but seriously. So she's stuck in the Is your You don't mind my asking Rough terms, you don't have to say specifically How old is your grandmother?

Now? What I'm asking I want you to give me a mathematical word problem If your grandmother On a train Left Detroit At Nash Bridges and you burritoed Market Street

to Giants victory in three, am I right? Are you saying... How many Hitachi magic wands would it take to drive across Treasure Island during a Labor Day weekend? Merlin, please, save it for the summing up at the end.

Guys, very unprofessional. I had three beers. I have to pee, so finish this up. I'll be right back. I've got to get more index cards. Jordan's going to pee. So, okay. So here's what I need to know. So first of all, is she too elderly to be putting herself through doggy doors to try and open doors?

Yes, she was 80. 80? Dude, your grandma is awesome. It's ballsy. Okay, so you 80. 80? Yeah. Dude, your grandma is awesome. Yeah. It's ballsy. Okay, so you called your dad. Did he come over? He was at work, so no.

But he... He's like, okay, what's your emergency, honey? Doggy door again. Pass. Is this... Wait, is this your father's mother? No Mother-in-laws, am I right?

Thanks If you need me, I'll be writing jokes For the Back of Readers Digest So did you have to tackle this problem alone? Yeah How did you do it tackle this problem alone? Yeah. How did you do it? Can I guess?

Shortening? Butter. Butter? What? This is so awesome! You buttered your grandmother up literally with butter? I've filled in the blanks. I was gone for a little bit. I'm back.

Jordan, no. Jordan, no. That is not what happened. It's pretty close. It's actually pretty close. Jordan, what you're filling in the blanks with is not appropriate. This is a... We have to keep this G-rated as we have for the show thus far. So you literally

greased her up and then you had to pull her through? At any point, did you bring up the fact that you had a podcast to get to? I was like 10. Oh, you were 10. Oh, this is a long time ago.

Cool though. I mean, great. It's real cool. It's real cool. It's cool. Well, you know what? I think, and I know this is kind of a duplicate gift.

This is a great story. I think you could probably also use a sexual lubricant. I know that, you know, just in case you have to get another grandma out of a dog door, or, you know, it's just tough to get it in. You can work for both situations. And you know what? Because you're ten years old, if I understood that correctly,

here's three tiny dinosaurs and a sea turtle. Oh! Katie? Yes, Katie. Katie, everybody. Hey, listen, folks, that's our show. Scott Yes, Katie. Katie, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, listen, folks. That's our show.

Scott Simpson, Merlin Mann, Jordan Morris, Jesse Thorne. Here's our outro music. We'll see you next time. Bye. We're back tomorrow night, ladies and gentlemen, for International Waters. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.