Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 249: Beer Suit with Colton Dunn

Episode Date: November 5, 2012

Colton Dunn joins Jordan and Jesse to recap Jesse's superstorm survival story, discuss shitty movies that Jesse has seen in theaters, and briefly touch on the sitcom Roc, Ivy Style fashion, and horror movie The Stuff.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We're joined by the hilarious Colton Dunn. And I survive a hurricane. I really did. Well, super storm. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm the unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. Wait, say that again. I'm the unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Wait, say that again. I have a new one. Say you're the unsinkable Jesse Thorne. I'm the unsinkable Jesse Thorne. I'm Jordan Morris, Kathy Bates. Wait, that's not a nickname. That's another person's name. I mean, you know.

Beloved actress and director Kathy Bates. Yeah, well, that's what I want to be. You just want to be Kathy Bates? If you're being a new one this time, then I want to be a new one that's related to yours. Can I be Laura Linney? Yeah, sure. Do you want to change yours? Well, I want to change into Laura Linney.

If it's a question of what we want to be, then I want to be Laura Linney because she's classy. She's a little sexy. She's a little sexy. She's a little sexy and she's surprisingly funny. Okay. You know, you give Laura Linney something to work with, she will nail it. I guess you could say all the same things about Kathy Bates. Absolutely. A little sexy.

She's very sexy. In Kathy Bates' case, I'd say sex appeal is at the center of her thang, so to speak. Like her main deal, want to introduce our guest here? Why don't we? You know him as a comedian. You know him as Jordan's co-star on the television program Game Shop. Mr. Colton Dunn. How are you, sir?

A.K.A. Thandie Newton. Thandie Newton. Really? You're going to go Thandie Newton on us? That's me. I have not seen The C-Word. I've talked to some people that I know who's. I have not seen The C-Word. I've talked to some people that I know whose opinions-

The television show, The C-Word. Yeah. Yeah. You've seen a cunt before. Yes, I have. This guy right here. Oh. Oh, no.

That's true. I- I can be a little bit of a cunt. I have consulted with some people whose opinions I trust. This is Laura Linney's TV show. Yeah, they tell me I don't need to watch The C-Word. I love Laura Linney.

Yes, you've been very clear on that subject. She's my favorite. But I don't need to see The C-Word because it's just a disappointment like every other show on Showtime. Except for Homeland, which I haven't seen. Homeland's good. From what I understand, Homeland is not just a disappointment. But it's not, it's, it's, the C word apparently suffers from some of the same problems as your other shows starring gifted

actresses as outrageous characters in outrageous situations that are billed as comedies, but nothing really funny happens to them. And they're also not particularly dramatically compelling. Yeah, I would like to watch Homeland. Basically, everyone in my friend group is watching it. But I think I will have a hard time taking Claire Danes seriously. Yeah, I think so. But it works. Does it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're into it? You're into Homeland? Oh, yeah. You get over it quick. Okay. She has those same qualities. Yeah. She's a little sexy.

Mm-hmm. She'll be funny if you need her to. I don't know if she's Laura Linney funny. She's got a dimple. Mm-hmm. I don't know. She's never been in the movie You Can Count On Me. It's a great movie. Laura Linney's tremendous in that movie. Come on. You can count on me? I think you should watch

The C-Word. I think you should give it a shot. Really? Maybe you'll like it. Maybe you'll see what everybody else doesn't see. You seem to look into her, you know? But, I mean, everyone else knows that you can count on me is great. I'm not speaking out of school when I recommend you can count on me. I don't think so, but you definitely have a connection. Do you have beef with Kenneth Lonergan?

Me? No, no, no. I have no beef. I have no beef. I just don't understand why you're beefing with Lonergan? Me? No, no, no. I have no beef. I have no beef. I just don't understand why you're beefing with Lonergan. If there's a beef out there, I need to settle that right now. Squash it.

Let's get Brother Farrakhan in here. Get him in here to squash the beef. But you do. You have spoken out against early Mark Ruffalo. Yes. Just sloppy. Sloppy all around. Hey, how about this? Shave. Ruffalo. Yes. Yes. Just sloppy. Just sloppy all around. Wait.

Hey. Hey. How about this? Shave. Ruffalo. Give that a shot. Give yourself a nice, get a clean shave before going on camera. Yeah.

I don't know. He's a handsome man. He's great. He can do whatever he wants with his facial hair. He's a gifted actor as well. That's true. He was a good part of the movie The Avengers. Sure.

As I recall. Yes, you're correct. He was very good. We've addressed on this program the fact that I watched The Avengers on a transatlantic flight where the screen didn't, the person in front of me

put their seat back all the way and the screen didn't tilt enough so I did not have a full grayscale like everything looked like it was at night even though it wasn't because of the plasma screen. And the LCDs weren't – you know what I'm talking about here? Well, I mean there's – I think there are ideal plane movies. Yeah.

And I think the qualities of an ideal plane movie are something that's not visual, like something that isn't action-packed. Yeah. And something – Something't action packed. Yeah. And something without plane crashes. Yeah. Something with no plane crashes. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, I guess I guess I remember the Avengers having a lot of things, you know, they were

spaceships. They weren't commercial airliners, but things kind of plummeting. Well, I would think that maybe that would be it. Here's why I watch the event. Oh, wait. And the and the the other quality is something you can tune in and out of and not miss too much. Well, here's the thing with The Avengers. Maybe fall asleep for a couple minutes.

I missed it in the theaters. I would have gone- Look, I'm not too fancy to go see The Avengers. I would have watched that. Sure. But I didn't have the opportunity because, as you know, I have a young child. I don't leave the house very often. I'm basically getting- I'm functionally getting drunk right now.

Like that is the level of action that I'm getting just being here at work podcasting with you two. And, but I'm not going to rent the Avengers. Yeah, I'm not going to, I'm going to look nice on a Blu-ray. I don't want to, I don't want to watch some dumb Avengers. Get it on Netflix. You can get it on, you'll be able to get it on some sortu-ray. I don't want to watch some dumb Avengers. Get it on Netflix. You'll be able to get it on some sort of online provider. But I should not have watched it.

I should not have watched it on the air. The reason I watched it on the airplane is because what I'm looking for in an airplane movie is inoffensiveness. Sure.

Something that I'm curious about might not go to the trouble of watching otherwise. Yeah. Those are also great airplane movie qualities. Yeah. I mean, I'll tell you what movie I watched and enjoyed on an airplane. Music and lyrics starring Hugh Grant. That sounds like a great airplane.

I had a great time watching it. I love Hugh Grant, but I'm not going to go to a Hugh Grant movie. You know, this is not for me. Cloud Atlas, Hugh Grant. Is Hugh Grant in the movie Cloud Atlas? Oh, yeah. What's he doing in there? He plays a number of different characters.

As they all do, correct? That's right. I haven't seen the movie Cloud Atlas, but I did read a New Yorker article about it. I would not watch it on an airplane. Okay. Unless it's a long flight. Colton, before we came here, you saw the film Cloud Atlas. Yes.

Colton, before we came here, you saw the film Cloud Atlas. Yes. How much, I'm going to ask, did or would being stoned during the movie help? It seems like one of those like stony. I thought about it before the movie actually. So I do enjoy getting stoned before I go to a movie. But the length of Cloud Atlas would outlast my high. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I figured if I got stoned, I would not be high anymore by the end of the movie.

And by the end of the movie is probably when it's going to be really necessary. Like that's when you'd, whoa. When all the pieces are coming together. Yeah, yeah. And so I just went. I saw it straight edge. And it was still very magical and beautiful.

How long of a movie are we talking about? It's about, I think it's like two hours and 40 minutes, two hours, 50 minutes, almost three hours long. This is made by

a popular brother and sister team? Yes, by the Wachowski siblings. I think they're calling themselves, they're calling themselves the Wachowski Starship,

the Wachowski Hurricane. Yeah, they have. They have some sort of weird name for themselves. That was not in the credits. It's not directed by. Well, because they can't be the Wachowski brothers anymore because one of them is now a lady. Lana. So Lana.

And there's one other person who directed Cloud Atlas as well. I forgot the name. In addition to the two Wachowski brothers? Yeah, there's one other person. There's three directors on. I forgot the name. In addition to the two Wachowski brothers? Yeah. There's three directors on this movie? Yeah. They direct different segments of the film. Yeah.

Well, it's so funny. The other director is from Run, Lola, Run. So it's like the studio, like, we're going to call together the three most beloved stoner filmmakers of all time. Just the three? If you could get maybe Terry Gilliam in there to do a segment, maybe that would be. He did some animation transitions. Right. This is like, that is the most powerful.

Donnie Darko guy too. That's the most powerful team of moronic visual stylists. Yes. Well, aesthetic stylists, I would say. Yes. Well, aesthetic stylists, I would say. But none of them is like a Michael Bay type or a – what's that other guy called? What's another guy that's like Michael Bay? Tony Scott. Tony Scott is exactly who I was thinking of. Good work. So none of them is that. It's a specific kind of artsy version of that. Yeah. It's a specific kind of artsy version of that who can make the most artsy, amazing, but also contentless and disastrous film. City of Lost Children.

Who was that guy? Oh, yeah. Sure. City of Lost Children. Delicatessen. Yeah. Alien Resurrection. Yeah.

French guy. Yeah. I can't think of what his name is, but that's a perfect example. Pierre Croissant. Yes. Pierre Croissant. Exactly. Exactly. So, okay.

So what I want to know is after I read this New Yorker article about this film, this is how we learn about various cultures. You should understand I'm a 65-year-old from the Upper East Side. Okay. And I found myself wondering if I should watch this movie. Now, here's the thing. I saw Revolution Matrix at the movie theater in Santa Cruz when we were in college. I went to it because my friend Tyler, our friend Tyler McNiven, now of the restaurant industry in San Francisco, had a friend at the movie theater who could take a standing movie. We'd just go and he'd just be like, okay, go on ahead.

So I went to this movie. This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Boy, yeah, those last two Matrix movies are bad. And it's so funny because I distinctly remember, I think probably the only time I ever cut school in high school was to see the first Matrix movie. Yeah. I think that was probably the first and only time I cut school was to go see The Matrix. And maybe part of it was, you know, the adrenaline rush of cutting school. I don't know what it was.

But for some reason, I, like, really distinctly remember seeing that in the theaters and it being fucking awesome. It was the best movie ever. I walked out of that movie being like, oh, this – everything has changed. Yeah. Movies are now different. This is the best shit I've ever seen. The bar is high. I see now, this is another movie that I saw on home video.

Yeah. So I had not seen, I had not seen them. Hey, look, I saw, I saw City of Lost Children in the theater. There you go. So I went to see Revolution Matrix, Matrix Revolution, starring Cornel West, Dr. Cornel West. And as much as I enjoyed Dr. West's work in the film, it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. That's horrible.

I should watch Matrix, the movie. So it was called Matrix, the motion picture. And find out what everyone's on about because everyone's telling me about blue pills and green pills and Keanu Reeves and the different Mr. Smith guys that are going to Washington and so forth. Yeah. So I went to see – I watched this movie. I think I may have seen it in class in college. I mean you're a culture studies major, you graduate in 2003, you really are going to end up watching The Matrix four or five times. You're going to talk about Michel Foucault.

So I watched it. The male gaze. I fucking hated it. Yeah. The first Matrix. The first Matrix. This is after you watched the other Matrix. But the other one was worse.

You thought the first one was worse? No, this second one was worse. Okay. I would have liked it if Cornel West was in the first one. Yeah. Cornel West should be in all movies. Yeah. I think that, yeah, Matrix falls in a category of movie.

Like I think, you know, I think Avatar does a little bit of like a movie came out that looks cooler than anything else and you see it on the big screen and it changes the way like movies can look and then but once movies start did avatar just make it so all movies could give me a headache i fucking hated that movie that's another one of the worst movies I ever saw in a movie theater. Well, I think that those movies in particular don't, you know, they don't age well because after they come out and look cooler than everything else, then everything else just looks that cool. Yeah. And it's, like, impossible to, like, put yourself in a mode again or, like, remember when things didn't look this cool? Yeah.

So, anyway. Yeah, for sure. Matrix is definitely in that world, you know. Yeah, and if you were already, if you hadn't seen it, if you hadn't seen The Matrix, if you didn't see The Matrix until the third movie was already in the theaters. Yeah, yeah. Everything visually, there would have been nothing new. The whole, because all advertising, everything that was out there was all post-Matrix. Everybody was, you'd already seen the

bullet time movements, you already saw that. Yeah, I remember when we went into the theater. We had never seen a camera follow a bullet into a guy. Ever. That had never happened before. Yeah. You know, and so we got the joy of seeing that that you missed out on. Was the story great? I don't think anybody

walked out saying, what an amazing story. Yes, they did. I can't believe they did. Yes, they totally did. They wanted to talk to you about it. Like stoners. But that's everyone. Maybe it was just everyone. What demographic?

But everyone wanted to talk to you about The Matrix. Yeah, I think nobody who'd seen a sci-fi movie, though, wasn't like, whoa, I can't believe they did virtual reality. Yes. Everyone wanted to fucking talk to you about The Matrix. You guys cannot retcon that out of our collective past. I don't think people wanted to talk about it because of the amazing story that it was. I don't think so. People were making derivative works based on the story of The Matrix that explored the ideas of bullet time and being plugged into the Matrix and all of this different shit.

People wanted to talk. I think there was an interesting connection between that and the internet. I had not seen the movie and I remember everyone talking to me about it and being like, this does not sound that great. Okay. Look, we'll chalk this up. Point of difference. Yeah. I disagree.

I think everyone wanted to talk about you. You think everybody loved The Matrix because of the story. I mean, yeah. I guess I could. That's why they were. No. You are changing what I said. Well, that's because here's my argument is everybody did not love The Matrix because

of the story. So if you're saying that's the only point I'm making. My argument is that everyone wanted to talk to you about the fucking themes okay I'm not saying that they didn't love it because it looked cool yeah

I'm saying that they loved it because it looked cool and there was a Donnie Darko level of them wanting to talk to you about the themes of the film

I think maybe you are taking you are taking an unusually high sample of stony college assholes yeah or in my case I think it would be

stony high school assholes think it would be stony high school assholes yeah it would be art school yeah i mean i definitely there the philosophy and the kind of you know the references to maybe we're in the matrix right i think that really appealed to that demographic but yeah i definitely remember when i saw it like i mean you know we were talking about how cool the slow motion was and stuff like that so i think that the but yeah you, yeah, you're definitely, like, there's the Donnie Darkos, the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas that, like, you know, the pseudo-intellectual stoner loves to, like, talk to you about. To this day, I will watch The Matrix. I only watch the scene where they enter the building if I watch it. Like, I'll just fast forward until they go into the building and they shoot all the guys in there.

Watch it all the way up until Lawrence Fishburne jumps out the window. I think I fell asleep watching The Matrix. I really do. And I'm not a big going to sleep in movies type of guy either. It's very dull and everybody wears sunglasses, so it's hard to engage characters who have sunglasses on. Right. Yeah, well, you know, you got to identify with the protagonist. If you don't identify with the protagonist.

You're done. You're done. I learned that from screenwriting something. Yeah, I think it was just like a weird, you know, it was just a weird, you know, not coincidence, but like, okay, like the Matrix looked so cool. And it was like something people were aping, you know, constantly after that. But it just happened to have this like pseudo intellectual, you know, bullshitty philosophy thing. So I think, you know, when they let the guys have free reign to make the sequels, they're like, you know what people loved about this? The pseudo intellectual bullshit.

Would you guys run with that? So in the next ones, there was less cool looking stuff and more and more philosophical bullshit every i don't think you're gonna like cloud alice really no even if i might like the novel cloud alice by david mitchell i thought yeah well maybe maybe you'll get into the uh you know the the re you know reincarnation and life never ending and maybe maybe you'll get into that stuff in it. Yeah. But if the visual styles of those guys didn't bring you into the Matrix, I think you may just want to wait

until it's on a plane. You know what movie I would probably like? Speed Racer. I've never seen that. Yeah, it's definitely gotten like cult status. Oh yeah? There's like, I mean, to be fair, the same dude that tells you that Speed Racer is good is the same dude that will tell you about the themes of the Matrix. But a lot of those dudes tell me like, fucking Speed Racer, man, underappreciated, game changer, game changer.

Game changer? I've heard game changer. Can you have something that's underappreciated and a game changer? Like if it's a game changer, doesn't that mean it's appreciated enough to change the game? The conversation I had was that like in a few years people will realize how genius Speed Racer was. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I'm curious and I definitely want to see it, but I haven't brought myself to do it yet.

Well, I would give as an example of an underappreciated game changer, Babe Bing in the City. underappreciated game changer, Babe Ping in the City. Obviously, more and more films for children have their animal protagonists in genuine mortal danger in a dystopian future nightmare world that's ruled by Mickey Rooney and his evil group of apes. Sure. But at the time, a lot of people didn't realize that was going to be the consequence of, and a lot of people, when they see one of these Mickey Rooney ape movies, they don't trace it back to Babe Pig in the City. They don't.

No, they don't realize that Mickey Rooney is the source of – that Mickey Rooney in Babe Pig in the City is the original movie where Mickey Rooney plays a kind of terrifying clown figure with a group of clown apes that perform at parties in a scary but beautiful uh delicatessen like yeah yeah yeah yeah so that's just another that's just another example i think aren't they making seven more avatar movies uh yeah cameron says cameron says that he wants to make four more avatar movies and And I think that, yeah, I think where he's going to have trouble is that, you know, Avatar's appeal was looking cooler than anything else. But I don't know if there's anybody who's attached to the Avatar world. Yeah, that. Like, I guess there's some assholes who probably learned the language because there is a language.

Oh, yeah, for sure. I'm not going to tell you that people talk to each other about what happened in Avatar. Right. I'm not that stupid. I'm not going to try and sell people talk to each other about what happened in Avatar. Right. I'm not that stupid. I'm not going to try and sell you that bill of goods. Okay. I know that the people who liked Avatar just thought it looked cool, and I fucking hated it because it's the dumbest movie I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh, man.

It's rough. And also it gave me a headache, so I couldn't appreciate anything about it. I didn't even think it looked that cool. To be perfectly frank, I felt like it looked like a billion things happening at once for no reason. Do you wear glasses? No, I don't. No? Yeah, but I think—

Do you get headaches in other 3D films, or was it just this one in particular? I have not seen a lot of 3D films. Okay. But I might get headaches in other 3D films. But I found it unpleasant to watch for the reasons that I mentioned. It just felt like they had put a thousand things on the screen with no rhyme or reason to. Like there's no sense of sort of composition. When you watch it without 3D, I've watched it on television, it's completely insane.

You're just like, what the fuck is going on in this screen? Yeah, but i guess that is kind of james cameron's thing though he makes these dumb movies that just look cooler than anything else has looked like i mean look at aliens like nothing up till then looked that cool and even like titanic like you know but i like aliens yeah i mean i like the story yeah aliens is aliens i mean i think that the fun of Aliens is more appropriate to that movie. But I do too. I mean, I will watch Aliens fucking any day of the week.

But yeah, so I mean, maybe for the next four Avatar movies, he will manage to, you know, up his cool looking game. But it seems like he can just make any movie. What's going to be better, the Avatar movies or the new Star Wars movies? Wait, there's new Star Wars movies? Yeah, they're going to make three more. You've been in a media blackout. George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. No, he didn't. I can't believe you don't know this.

Is that really true? Yeah, totally true. He gave all the money to charity and he says Disney can just make as many Star Wars movies as they want to. Disney immediately announced that we're going to be making movies every two years. Okay, so I believe you because you both are on the same page here so consistently. It's true. You can look online and see the picture of George Lucas signing the contract.

We should make up something fake. How much money did he get for this? I don't know. It was like in the billions. Yeah. Like it was a crazy number. Yeah, I bet it was many billions, right? Yeah.

What charity did he give it to? Some education. He said something that had to do something with education. Oh, he has his own educational foundation. Yeah. Yeah, they underrate on public radio sometimes. Yeah. I guess here's my case for new Star Wars movies. Couldn't be

worse than the last round. Yeah, well, I mean, what's the problem with the Star Wars movies that George Lucas is directing them? Is this an out-of-touch crazy guy? I mean, yeah, let somebody else do it. Is this episode of our show just called the dumbest movies Jesse has seen in a theater? I really avoid going to see

dumb movies, but I saw one or two of those Star Wars movies, and they were so bad. And I heard the third one was not that bad. The third one was the best of those. It was okay. But I'm not going to watch that. I already saw the other ones. Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't – after hearing you have to sit through the first two, I wouldn't say. But if anybody has not seen those, the episode one and two, just see episode three and then the old trilogies and I think you're fine. I don't think you even need to see episode three. I'm not going to lie to you. But you know...

It's fun. It's got the stuff that you want. It's got like the, you know, Darth Vader killing everybody. You know, it's got all the stuff that you wanted to see. Yeah, cool lightsaber fights. I thought the lava lightsaber fight

is pretty cool. Is there anything about trade relations? Because that's what I look for in a Star Wars movie. Yeah, cool lightsaber fights. I thought the lava lightsaber fight is pretty cool. Is there anything about trade relations? Because that's what I look for in a Star Wars movie. Yeah, yeah, because trade embargoes and – You know, yeah, I mean I think that – yeah, I mean but I don't know. I think there's a problem with Star Wars. I think I've talked about this before. I think there's a problem with Star Wars, the same problem with Saturday Night Live is that like everybody, you were 10 to 13 when you saw it.

You fell in love with it and you don't realize the downsides of it because you were just – you're young and you're impressionable and it's cool. But yeah, I mean it's like I think Star Wars movies are just for kids and I think that an adult seeing it will think that they're dumb. The other thing about the Star Wars movies, it's again a lot like Saturday Night Live that people don't give them credit for. Tim Meadows is great up to the end. They write those from Monday to Thursday, and then they have a dress, and then they just put it on stage and see what happens. And for the first three Star Wars movies,

the original trilogy, that worked out really well. I mean, there's a little bit of staginess in some of the dialogue, and the performances, you know, but a lot of times you can't even tell they're reading off the cue cards. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, I think that maybe another director can make a Star Wars movie that's probably

pretty good. I think so. I mean, Empire Strikes Back, that's the best one, right? George Lucas didn't direct it. So, yeah. But I think no matter what it is, will be for kids. I kind of think Star Wars is the best one, right? George Lucas didn't direct it. So, yeah. But I think no matter what it is, it will be for kids. I kind of think Star Wars is the best one. The very first one, A New Hope.

Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy that one the most as well, though I do like Empire Strikes Back. I mean, hey, look, I like Return of the Jedi. I think that's a fun movie. But what I'm saying is I just kind of think that people have built up this idea that Empire Strikes Back is the best one. Jesus Christ, are we really talking about this?

Let's get Kevin Smith in here. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith is here. Okay, look, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Oh, wait.

The unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris, Kathy Bates. Colton Dunn, Tandy Newton. I survived a hurricane. Yeah. So you only. A super storm. Super storm. I don't want to get sued by the weather policeman. What's the difference? I heard super

storm and I heard hurricane, but I didn't know. I think it was a hurricane while it was over the water, but once it hits the land, it's no longer a hurricane. It's slowed down then. By the way, I don't want to get sued by the weather policeman. Apparently, the weather policeman

only has civil powers. Yeah, they can only sue people in a civic. Yeah. Yeah, I, we,

so we had, it has been an eventful couple of weeks. Yeah. I went to New York City. This is a major city on the eastern seaboard. Yeah,

I heard about it. I did a couple of live Judge John Hodgman's with our friend John Hodgman. That was a blast. Absolutely. Are those available for download? I mentioned on the last show that maybe they would be, but I didn't know for sure. One of them is already available for download.

It features, if I remember correctly, it is the first episode, which features our friend Jonathan Colton as well. And some very heady and intense discussions. Some very serious business goes on in that. And the next one you can actually watch on video. Hey. If you go to my Tumblr, which is jessithorne.tumblr.com, I've just posted it up there. You might have to scroll back a page or two. But you can watch the video, and it will be out in audio on the podcast next week.

That one features the brilliant Jean Grey, not the comic book character, the rapper, and a lot of other cool stuff. So that was really fun. I got to do fun New York stuff. If you're in New York, I recommend going to the Fashion Institute of Technology Museum and checking out the Ivy Style Exhibition. Really wonderful. It's free. You can also check out the Ivy Style Exhibition. Really wonderful. It's free. You can also check out some beautiful gowns. Sure.

If you want to take a look at a Christian Dior gown. By the way, that was my favorite gown in the whole joint. Dior. Yeah. It was a beautiful black number. It all makes sense when you see this one. Yeah. All the pieces fall into place.

Yeah. It's like the last act of Cloud Atlas in this. That's the gown that you really want to be stoned for. Yeah. All the pieces fall into place. Yeah. It's like the last act of Cloud Atlas. That's the gown that you really want to be stoned for. Yeah. Yeah. We had Max Funcon East. Did you have a good time at Max Funcon East, Jordan? Blast and a half.

It was a great time in the Poconos, hanging out with, kicking it with Cavett. Mm-hmm. Is that how I like to describe it? We were hanging out with Dick Cavett. No big deal. Cool, man. I'm jealous. I heard Hodgman and David Reese fucking shut the party down.

I heard those guys were going, I heard that they snuck back into the room with the DJ equipment, turned it on, and eventually got kicked out by hotel security at 4.30 in the morning. Cool. Well, listen. I feel like there's – for Max FunCon, you know, you want to leave a little mystique. You don't want to say specifically what went on. Right. It's like, you know. Well, I left out the orgy.

It's like one of the. Jesse. Sorry. Oh, jeez. No, you didn't. It's okay. It was Cloud Atlas themed. Oh, boy.

Oh, gosh. Lots of white people in Asian makeup. The best of both worlds. The two most fuckable races. You're thinking of the orgy at AnimeCon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'm remiss to go into a lot of particulars because I think part of the appeal, I mean, I'm just looking out for your business interests, Jesse. Right. into a lot of particulars because I think part of the appeal, I mean, I'm just looking out for your business interests, Jesse,

is you want a layer of haze. You want a layer of fog around it. There was a literal physical layer of haze and fog around it. Exactly. I think that's what kind of helped.

That's why hotel security was notified. Anyway, all's I'm saying is I hear David Reese is quite the fucking dance party jammer. He is.

I can attest to this firsthand. Dude will get the dance party started. And we had a spectacular time at Max FunCon East. So many amazing. I was really gratified. We had an amazing stand-up show in which Michael Ian Black did an entire 30-minute stand-up set with his daughter, who I think is eight, sitting next to him on the stage in a chair, which was great. Worked out really well. Totally.

But I was really happy because we had a great sketch show with the New York sketch group Two Fun Men, who were fantastic, and our old friends 10 West, who are a brilliant, brilliant sketch group from Los Angeles. And I was – there's somebody that I always wanted to bring to a Max Fun Con just because they're not famous at all. And I just thought people should see them. And just a rousing standing ovation, something I'd never – Justified. Justified. Yeah. I mean they just blew the fucking roof off.

It was really although i feel like i have not i feel like i've only seen them once or twice where they haven't gotten a standing ovation because they're so fucking amazing yeah i mean it's one of those things you just feel compelled to stand up for colton for you these guys do a sketch show that is mostly silent it's like uh it's kind of classic clown work but it doesn't feel like stuffy or ironic it's you know it feels like they're and it's very sincere it's very funny also ity or ironic. It's, you know, it feels like they're very sincere. It's very funny. It's not a it's not a it's not a tribute to funniness.

Yeah. It is actually sincerely funny, but also very emotional. You go through a lot of feelings watching that thing. It's a roller coaster. Anyway, where do you see these guys? You can see these guys a year in Los Angeles. Yeah. you know, they've done UCB before,

but they do mostly like circusy things, like things that you would also see like a burlesque performance at or a fire eater. So yeah, they kind of like. And legitimate theater.

They're both professional legitimate theater actors, so they will be in a real theatrical production. So they won't be at the Yuck Yuck Hut. No, sadly they won't. Not Ha Ha's Cafe in North Hollywood.

They've got a brief run coming up at Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale. But besides those things. So I just... Opening for Richard Jenney. Max Funcon. Maybe he's dead. Max Funcon was such a good time.

And so the whole time that Max Funcon's going on, there's this specter of the Frankenstorm, which is what they were calling it at the time. And, Jordan, you left on Sunday night. I did, yeah. No, I left on Sunday night, flew out of Newark, and our plane left an hour before they were to close down the airport. So just barely. Nick and Julia, who are the producers of Bullseye, Nick's our production director, were on a JetBlue flight where they came on the PA and said, just so you know, this is the last flight out. Yeah, yeah.

Like the literal last flight out of the airport before they locked it down. Yeah, and it was funny. It was, you know, waiting in line through security. It was the longest I had ever waited to get through an airport security line. It was probably two hours, soup to nuts, just waiting in this – just to go from getting your boarding pass to getting on the plane. And I think because of it was so many people were trying to get out while the getting was good. So I was there for a long time. I think the funniest thing that happened was there was – I was behind a Hasidic Jew. Oh, yeah.

I know those things. Yeah. You've seen those things. You know, in full regalia. Sure. Four locks, the whole nine. The whole nine. And another Hasidic Jew came up and stood next to him.

But just so he – you know, he made sure I was comfortable with it. He turned around and said, it's okay. He's with me. That's like, well, I figured. But thank you. That's very polite. He's not just some stranger who walked up next to this other guy. Yeah, he's not just cutting.

It would be great if in the Hasidic community there was a sort of unwritten rule. Or how about this? Or how about this? What if in some portion of the Talmud it said if you see another follower of Yahweh, let him cut in line? In line, yeah. You may join him in his spot in line. I would have liked to have seen the same thing happen with two cowboys. He's with me, partner. It's okay.

He's with me. This is my buckaroo. My wife and I had decided to fly out on Monday morning because we didn't want to have a nighttime flight with Simon, my son, who's 15 months old. Oh, no. And so we just got an email. We got two emails. Our tickets have been booked separately. This is the first issue. Our tickets were booked separately because the folks at the Greenspace in New York who hosted the Judge Sean Hodgman, they bought my plane ticket to New York. So I then followed up by buying seats on the same airplane for my wife and child.

that said on Sunday that said my flight was canceled and it was rescheduled for Wednesday. So I'm like, you know what? We can make it until Wednesday. Like we have friends to stay with. We can go stay at John Hodgman's house. We can, you know, we can do something. We'll be fine. And at some point on Sunday, Teresa said, you know, I did not get that email. Should I have gotten that email? And I thought about it and I said, well, who bought those tickets? I bought them for you, right? And she's like, yep. And she's like, so I should have probably got an email or you should have got an email. And I was like, yeah. And she's like, do you think it's

possible that only you have been rescheduled for Wednesday? And I was like, uh... And then Teresa got an email that her tickets had been refunded. Oh, no. So we called the airline, and the hold was three hours or something like that. We literally had to plug our cell phones into the wall and just call when we first woke up and then just have someone in the hotel room waiting through lunch on Sunday.

With the speakerphone on hold. Yeah. Wow. Exactly. And so it was a really sorry scene. The end result of this was they said the earliest they could get us out of the New York metropolitan area was Friday, five days after our original flight. And so we decided to hunker down

with Teresa's best college buddies, actually one of whom was on, like, episode two of Jordan, Jesse, Go! talking about sex in the city, our friend Rachel. But we decided to hunker down with them in Lawrenceville, New Jersey. Because here's our theory.

It's a good theory. The hurricane comes in. You want to take the Kevin Smith shooting location walking tour. You've always wanted to do that. The hurricane comes in from the coast, right? Sure. So it slows down the further inland it gets. when you could be in Lawrenceville, New Jersey, an hour and a half west of Brooklyn, and hanging out where it's probably just going to be a light rain shower.

Sure. It's a sound theory. It's a solid. It's fucking solid as a rock. It's a solid theory. Holds up. You're inland. Within 18 hours of us arriving, all the power is out to basically the entire state of New Jersey.

Wow. There's no heat in the house. They have no food. I had filled the bathtub with water, so we didn't have water. And we had some water in the fridge. Luckily, the water stayed on, so we didn't even need the bathtub full of water. The one thing we were prepared for. the water stayed on, so we didn't even need the bathtub full of water. The one thing we

were prepared for. We lived a life by the light of five candles and two fading flashlights. four days. Wow. With a child. With a 15-month-old and a three-year-old.

They also have a three-year-old. It was... Here's the thing. Like for the first day – because this happened – we lost power in Mount Washington where I live last winter for three days. And it was a similar situation. For the first day, you're like, this is kind of fun. We're all playing Pinnacle. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Reading by candlelight. Everybody's hanging're all playing Pinnacle. Yeah. You know what I mean? Reading by candlelight. Everybody's hanging out and playing Pinnacle. But day two, you're like, I'm hungry, and I've eaten the food that I have. And then day three, you are ready to become a wolfman and just go down the street eating human beings and just generally living by the laws of nature, not the laws of man. Three days. Three days. Yeah. And we were at four days.

Oh. So here's another thing. We're in the beautiful state of New Jersey outside of the Trenton, Princeton, Lawrenceville area, which is where Teresa's buddies from college live, and Jersey City, where they used to live. Jersey City is lovely. And the Lawrenceville, Trenton, Princeton area is gorgeous. It could not be more beautiful. So anybody who has a shitty New Jersey joke, this is a beautiful, beautiful place.

Now, from what I understand, the mayor of Trenton recently went to jail for, among other things, putting his mistresses in abandoned houses and then using city funds to rebuild the houses while the mistresses were in them or something along those lines. So there are some problems with certain parts of New Jersey. Everybody has issues. It's beautiful. Sounds like it works out pretty well if you're a mistress, though. That's true. That's a good point. Jesse, I mean, I think you're just not sympathizing with the mistress community.

If you're a loose woman with an attraction to men in power, New Jersey might be a good spot for you. Or let me tell you this. to Men in Power, New Jersey might be a good spot for you. You don't want to be home. Or let me tell you this. We had just visited them the previous weekend in a planned visit, and we went apple picking. Oh, that's fun.

That's very quaint. I'll tell you what 15-month-olds love, fucking apple picking. You can go around in the apple. They get to ride on the back of a tractor in a tractor cart. They get to eat gross apples off the ground that they grab before you can stop them. There's a lot of things to recommend Jersey. Look, when you go apple picking, you can have some cider donuts. You can have some cider.

You can have some apples. Wait, what is a cider donut? A cider donut is like a donut flavored with apple cider. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like a little denser. It's sort of more like one of those, you know, those sort of white powder donuts, that consistency, like a denser consistency. Okay. I can dig it.

But very, very flavorful. It's a very nice donut. Yeah. Look. Very nice donut. Okay. So New Jersey is a beautiful place, but by the time we left, they just got power we're recording this uh on the saturday following the monday storm and uh they had just they just got power a few hours ago by the time

we left shit was getting feral oh really number one like the day after the storm i posted a tweet on on my twitter thing that said um the state law in New Jersey was if all the lights are out at an intersection, you drive through it at 50, flipping the bird and saying, suck on this. And someone tweeted me back, Zena, one of our most, she said, or no, it wasn't Zena, it was somebody else, said, oh, yeah, you're really going to make an easy New Jersey joke. But that had literally just happened to me. That was a literal thing that happened to me.

You know how everyone's supposed to band together in a crisis? Yeah. People were literally just going through the intersections, honking at each other, like flooring it, flipping each other off. This is like 24 hours after shooting. We're just trying to go to Target. Yeah. You know what I mean?

We're trying to find a target with electricity. Yeah. Actually, it's interesting. For a counterpoint, Colton, we were having kind of an interesting conversation a couple days ago. You lived in New York through some of the worst New York shit that happened. Well, yeah, sure. I was there for 9-11.

I was there for the blackout. Yeah. War of 1812. And the War of 1812. The fall. And you, but you, you said that, I don't know, that it even has kind of a, that it even can kind of get homey or kind of fun around that time. I mean, obviously.

The blackout was fun. But yeah, 9-11. 9-11 was horrible. Sure. That was not fun. Awful nightmare. There was really nothing fun around that time. I mean, obviously. The blackout was fun. But yeah, 9-11. 9-11 was horrible. Sure. That was not fun. Awful nightmare. Really nothing fun about that one. But after the blackout, once everybody realized it was not a terrorist attack, it was very

fun. And you just walked around. Everybody was hanging out outside. It was a warm night. A lot of the restaurants were trying to cook off their food because they couldn't keep it. How long did the blackout last, though?

That was like a 24, 36-hour thing, right? It was, gosh, I feel like it just lasted until the next day at some point. See, that's the fun part

of the blackout. Yeah, that's the fun part. You only got the meat and none of the gristle. Yeah. That part is a blast. I mean, look, I lived through, I lived through the... You started getting into like the walking dead part of the. Yeah. That part is a blast. I mean, look, I lived through-

You started getting into like the walking dead part of- Yeah. That's what- The revolution part of it. Monday's on NBC. I think that there's been all this stuff on the news about Obama tapping the strategic petroleum reserve and having army trucks drive gas to New Jersey. Yeah.

That's because people were about to start murdering. And this is over small shit. Like, gas, look, I understand gas is actually important, especially because everybody was running generators. But the truth is, like, you can make it for a few days. Yeah. However, people were going ape. People were fucking ape shit.

And I wonder if it is a – here's the thing. Like the place where I was, again, super beautiful place, is the most kind of classically suburban place you could ever go to ever. I mean it's borderline rural. But it's like a suburban environment that you imagine from just after World War II. You know what I mean? By which I mean it's completely racially segregated.

That's purely coincidental. What I mean is that it's sort of bucolic. It's like there's big trees, you know, and there's farms and stuff. And it's- Waterwheel.

And I think- Waterwheel? If you're in a big city- You see a waterwheel. Sure, there's a couple of waterwheels. Great. In a big city, you get the novelty of we're all- Instead of all rushing past each other, we're all just going to be like,

hey, we've all got something in common. All our electricity's out. I remember that from after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake in San Francisco. You know, just what else are you going to do? You know, that's what you got. Whereas I feel like in this situation in New Jersey, to a great extent, people were battening down the hatches. The people were getting out the guns. You know what I mean?

And it wasn't boiling over because, among other things... They weren't loading the guns, but they were maybe polishing the guns. Yeah, I mean, like, in the place... Making sure they were clean. I think if there had been more sort of traditional devastation,

like, if I had been in coastal New Jersey where there were many people killed and there were many, many homes destroyed and so on and so forth, then it's one of those like, what can you do but help each other out things? Here, there was a lot of people with generators. There was, I would say, half of the neighborhoods had power, half of them didn't. What if I said this, you know, that the way you described that neighborhood, the way you described it is that it would be drawing in people who are a little bit more individual and into themselves. You're talking about like Montanans?

Well, just people who would want to live out in the suburbs. Westerners, cowboys. Well, not necessarily that, but just people who would want to live in a suburb. Oh, yeah. They all have their own generator. So when the emergency happened, they only think about themselves, you know, as we're in the city. I like that. They want a respite.

They want a place for them. Yeah. That's why they moved to the suburbs in the first place. I believe that. I'll buy that for a dollar. And, again, lovely place when the lights at the intersections are on. Fucking honking. Here's something that happened to me three times in one day.

This is just me going to Target and coming back. Four-way stop. Four-way intersection. Major roads. All the lights are out. I stop at the intersection. As you're supposed to. Because you're supposed to be stopping as though it's a four-way stop sign.

Exactly. You're supposed to be stopping as though it's a four-way stop sign. Person behind me leans on their horn, swerves around me, and floors it. Hmm. Now, were you making larger apocalypse plans at this point? Were you saying, okay, do me and the family, you know, get a weapon, school bus, RV. Do we head inland? Do we head for the coast?

Maybe we can get, you know, we can buy our way on some sort of, you know, refugee ship headed for the Dominican Republic. Here's the thing. Number one, any time you're fleeing famine, you want to head for the DR. Yeah. Yeah. Just look for your most impoverished island nation. Haiti. If you can get to Haiti, I say go to Haiti. Oh, you are made in the shade, and literally you will just have shade.

Yeah. Maybe. I'll tell you what I was thinking about. So we're there with two of Teresa's best friends, and they're good friends of mine as well. Their three-year-old son, Cooper. Wonderful young man. The wife of the family, Rachel, pregnant with child.

She's got to be seven, eight months pregnant. She's got a huge baby inside of her. Yeah. That's scary. I'm wondering if we're going to have to Donner Party this shit. Oh, no. You're thinking no way. I'm thinking about who's the first to die.

If someone has to die, do you want to save the woman who's going to give birth to a child? Do you want to save the children that are already there? Should we save the three-year-old who can walk better than the 15-month-old? Yeah. Should I just kill everyone and, you know, because I'm a fucking werewolf? Sure. Yeah. And feast and feast on their brains.

Exactly. Werewolves don't eat brains. Werewolves eat hearts. Oh, okay. Yeah, they look for this tough muscle their brains. Exactly. Werewolves don't eat brains. Werewolves eat hearts. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're for this tough muscle. Right, yeah. They like the beefy flavor. Excuse me.

Yeah. So I was really like- Did you ever think about becoming a mummy? Yeah. Yeah, sure. No, I've often thought about becoming a mummy. That's why you rarely see mummies in that post-apocalyptic world, and it's probably because they've got it all figured out somewhere. Yeah, they're chilling.

They're chilling with all their worldly possessions. Down in their sarcophagus. I thought about becoming a mummy, but with all the stores closed, it was hard to get enough honey for the mummification process to replace all my bodily fluids. You could get sawdust, though, right? Yeah, well, I could just pack myself with sawdust, but that's more of a sort of 19th century sofa than it is a mummy. Okay. That's going to be your problem with that situation. Do you think that the mummy is the most chill monster?

Now that I think about it, I think maybe they are the most chill monster. They're pretty chill. What about the creature from the Black Lagoon? Now that I think about it, I think maybe they are the most chill monster. They're pretty chill. What about the creature from the Black Lagoon? Is that pretty chill? I mean, he doesn't seem that chilled, you know? He's like, he makes moves. What about the stuff? That's pretty chill. The stuff was pretty chill. Yeah, the stuff's

super chill. Does that count as a monster? I mean, that's more like a government conspiracy gone awry. Brian, our producer Brian Fernandez, can you look on the internet real quick and find out if this stuff is a monster? Well, it's yogurt. It's mind control yogurt. Right. But doesn't it grow, too?

Yeah. I mean, I guess at the end it turns that guy into a monster. So, yeah. I mean, I guess it has monstrous qualities. Yeah. I guess I would maybe consider it a bridge to a monster, a catalyst for a monster. I would recommend using Bing, the decision engine. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's my recommendation. Just if you're looking for a search engine. Or you could just ask Jeeves because then you can put it in the form of a question. Sure. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. So if you ever hear a report about a large storm coming to an area that you're in, will you try to leave earlier or do you think you would stick around? Here's – well, I mean –

Because I'm sure that you had heard – you said that you had heard that there was a storm coming but you just kind of were like, well, it's not going to be – it's not going to affect us that much. Well, that's the thing. Like I thought we were heading to the safest – the problem is we don't know anyone inland from the Poconos. Yeah. I mean maybe we could have gone to stay with Brian Fernandez's parents. Brian is saying yes. He's from somewhere in rural Pennsylvania. But the fact of the matter is that toward the coast is where you're going to find more people willing to put up me and my family. Oh, man. I bet when the fucking shit goes down, when the revolution blackout happens, fucking Amish people are just high-fiving like crazy.

Like I bet the like smug shit-eating grins on the Amish people when the total blackout happens is probably just insufferable. They probably had a little bit of that now. They were probably like, wow. Well, we're fine. Same old over here. Do you think they're pretty stoked about all the barns they're going to get to raise afterwards? Man, they love it. They're fucking jacking off thinking about all those barns they're going to raise.

Smug assholes. I mean, the thing of it was that the storm wasn't that terrifying. I mean, maybe it was because I that the storm wasn't that terrifying. I mean, maybe it was because I was eight years old, but I was legitimately traumatized by the Loma Prieta earthquake. Like, I remember not wanting to go out of the house and crying a lot. But do you think it's like a badge of honor, like the first Amish guy that jacks off in the new barn that they raise. You're like, oh, wow.

They're like, oh, no. Please. Please, Abraham. Jebediah jack barned? Way to go, Jebediah. Good jack barn. Sorry. Continue.

Sowing seeds for the Lord. Yeah. How about this? So since you've lived through those two things, here's another question. Do you think that by being sort of in the role of husband and father that you weren't allowed to let yourself be as like, oh, fuck. Yeah, that's a really good point. You had to deal with it. I had to take care of business.

I had to fill that tub with water. Yeah. I'm a guest at these people's home. I'm going to fill their tub with water. I'm a guest at these people's home. I'm going to fill their tub with water. I don't give a shit. What if we run out of water? You had to shoot that drifter. You had to shoot the drifter.

I'll tell you what it convinced me to do. It was going to take your freeze-dried meals. It convinced me to always have a lot of canned goods on hand. Yeah. The folks we were staying with did not have a lot of canned goods, so we ended up having to sort of drive around looking for places that were available, where food was available. Oh, wow. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That was a little rough. But the thing is, is because you never think, the thing that I wasn't prepared for, I was prepared for the storm to be scary. I was like, look, we're going to be inside a house. Okay. As we stay on the ground floor of like, look, we're going to be inside a house, okay? As we stay on the ground floor of this house, it's not going to flood. It's not in a flood zone. A tree might fall on it, but it's not going to kill us, you know?

Trees can't kill anybody. Trees do not kill. They are peaceful by nature. You guys have never seen Poltergeist. No, I mean, I think that if we're in the house while the storm is going, if we're not doing anything stupid, given the place where it is at, we're going to make it through the storm. You're not outside swinging a golf club in the air for no reason. But the thing that I wasn't prepared for was beyond, like, day two. Like I thought in my head I'm thinking storms on Monday, Tuesday is cleanup day, Wednesday I go to Princeton and go to that great thrift store they have in Princeton. I didn't get to go to that thrift store until Thursday.

You were planning your vacation. You were planning your vacation activities. They had power in Princeton. Oh. Fucking Ivy League. I know, right? Of course they had power back there. It's probably a generator attached to the crew team.

Yeah. Everybody's rowing. Or just poor people on the outskirts of Princeton. Yeah. Right. Can I tell you guys one amazing thing about Princeton? I'm going to bring it all the way back to this Ivy style exhibit that I saw. So Princeton is an important university in the history of Ivy League style, which is

this particularly American, it's like one of the great American men's aesthetic movements in the mid-60s, the three-roll-two dartless coat, the classic Brooks Brothers J-Press coat is considered an Ivy League style, right? Might give you a dustbust. Yeah, exactly. Well, no, it wouldn't because it's got a hook vent. It's got a center vent, not a side vent, although he was literally in the Ivy League at the time that he was wearing the side vents. So Princeton's an important school in the history, and I knew a little bit about that.

I knew that Princeton was known as a school that was a leader in sartorial movements in the middle of the 20th century. This is what I did not know. At Princeton, and I have seen this with my own eyes at the Fashion Institute of Technology Museum, when you became a senior, and to some extent still when you become a senior, you get something called a beer suit. Yes, a beer suit. This is what this is. It is like a pair of overalls and like a painter's jacket. You know, like white canvas? Yeah.

Like the kind of clothes that the Three Stooges would wear in a movie where they're painting something. Or Murphy Brown, the guy who lived in Murphy Brown's house. Elton. Elton. He was always doing work. Elton was a Princeton man, wasn't he? It is called a beer suit. The premise of this beer suit is that even in the 50s, people only had, especially if you were young, you only had two suits, right, or three suits.

So your suits, you had to alternate throughout the week because you always had to wear a suit because you were a grown-up in a time when people always had to wear a suit. So you had this suit called the beer suit that you would wear when you were getting wasted so you wouldn't barf on your good clothes. And it was overalls and a painter's jacket. Overalls and a painter's jacket. It was specifically to repel barf on your good clothes. And it was overalls and a painter's jacket. Overalls and a painter's jacket. So it was made specifically to repel barf. Yes. And it is decorated. It is decorated with the year of your graduation, your college class.

You only get it when you are a junior or a senior. I don't remember which one. That's like the fucking Princeton town princeton town burnout it's like oh man dude's 25 still wearing his beer still in his beer suit oh now here's the thing about the beer suit so you get you're issued it when you're an upperclassman you're expected to wear it at functions then you go to all your reunions because i mean uh jordan i just got a notice for my 10-year college reunion is coming up next year. And I probably will not attend because I don't really give a shit about people that went to UC Santa Cruz.

I have nothing to gain from these people outside of you, Jordan, of course. Thank you. But if you went to Princeton, all the people that you knew in college also went to Princeton. That's the secret of the Ivy League. The secret of an elite college is not so much that it's such a great college, though it may well be, it's that all your other friends from college also went to an elite college.

So when they're 40, they do the things that 40-year-olds that went to elite colleges do, which is to say control the lower classes. Yeah. So you go to all your reunions. And they shed their human skin and reveal the reptile within. And all bow towards the same glowing ball in the middle of a dungeon.

You go to all your class reunions. And then Dick Cheney sodomizes you, from what I understand. It is not until you get to your 25th reunion that you are allowed to wear anything other than your beer suit at the reunion. Oh, wow. So every reunion, everybody's wearing their beer suit. Yes. And as I understand it now, the beer suit has become a beer jacket. But the beer jacket does still exist.

It's just- And is it made of like a pleather or something to repel the barf? It is not about repelling barf anymore. It's now different every year. Sometimes it is completely covered in tiger stripes, Princeton tigers or whatever they're called, something tiger-like that's not tiger, I think. The orange or something like that.

But they're decorated in different ways every year. But typically it's something related to that classic thing. It still exists. And when you get to your 25th reunion, which, again, this is when you are 47 years old, you are allowed to wear the blazer of your class. So that's when you are upgraded from beer suit to blazer. Do they know that the beer suit looks ridiculous? Is that part of it? Is it like it's like a razzing thing?

It's like a hazing thing? Yes. It is a 25-year hazing process. Wow. I mean, this is how you become a lizard man. Yeah. If you didn't have to go through this shit, everyone would just become a lizard man. You know, if it was as simple as, say, converting to Judaism, which is, I think, what some would tell you, you become a lizard man just by converting to Judaism.

You automatically— And the jury is still out on that. You automatically get control of the world's banks. No, you have to go to 25 years of reunions in your beer suit while all the classy older guys are wearing their crested blazers or whatever.

You know, their special class blazers. Beer suit fucking blew my mind. Yeah, beer suit's great. I love beer suit. If I'd had a beer suit on this thing. No heat in New Jersey. No heat. No heat.

I was wearing one sweater on top of another sweater. No fireplace. Just cold. Trash can fire? And cranky children. We had an oil drum fire. Oh, that's nice. And Frank Stallone was there.

And he's saying a really cool original song. What were your- Oh, yeah? Yeah. What Frank Stallone was there. And he sang a really cool original song. What were your... Oh, yeah? Yeah. What did you do? What were just... How do you spend the day in a no power storm house? Okay.

So during the day, we did have gas in our cars. One day we drove to... Our friend Sean teaches at the College of New Jersey. Social scientist there. Is it dangerous to drive? I mean, obviously there's no traffic lights, so that's dangerous. Well, it was dangerous in the sense that people were insane. Sure.

But there weren't that many people on the road. So it was okay. There were a lot of roads closed. When I decided to go to Princeton to go to the thrift store on Thursday, I did have to take like seven different roads. I just kept having to make random turns and hope my GPS took me on a road that was not closed. But mostly, like, one day

we went to Target and the grocery store. That's fun. Make a day out of that. We basically did. That was a three-plus-hour process. Because part of it is you want to get a hot drink. You're so cold. You want to see if you can find, like, a discreet place to plug in your phone or cell phone.

Oh, by the way, after the first day, the cell phone service went out. Oh, so there was no towers or anything? There was no anything. Yeah. We were totally, completely incommunicado. You sort of – you can walk down the street. You have to be careful of the downed power lines. Yeah.

Which there was one two doors down. So we could not walk that direction because we could die. Yeah. And there was an enormous tree leaning against the power line. And like it was at like a 40-degree angle. A very dangerous angle. It was definitely leaning on the power line. It had pulled down most.

It had broken several power lines. One of the power towers or what was that called? Power tower. Electrical pole. Tower of power were there. Awesome. They were doing the Oakland. No.

All acoustic, though. All acoustic. Yeah. Well, you know, horns. You don't need amplification for horns, my friend. So this tree is leaning. It's broken several of the strands of the power line. Those are just flailing on the ground, sending out sparks, you know, like Doc Ock's arms

just whipping murder around. The tree looked like it could fall at any second. It was fucking insane. Seriously, we played cards, which I do not enjoy doing because I want to win too bad

and then I feel bad about how bad I want to win. Yeah. And I don't enjoy winning and then I hate losing. And it's my wife. She just wants to have some fun. Yeah.

We just tried to do anything to keep the children... I mean, what the fuck does a 15-month-old know about a power outage? It's just screaming and bouncing off the walls. Yeah. Now, I guess how is Simon's day-to-day different without power? Maybe not really. I mean, is he more difficult to take care of without power in some way? Well, you can't do anything.

Yeah. And also, you don't really have food. Yeah. So those are the two, like you're giving him little pieces of a pizza from this one pizzeria that opened despite the fact that they didn't have power. Oh, wow. They just opened until dark. What were they cooking it with?

They had an oven. They had a gas oven, obviously, and they were cooking in the gas oven, and they were just trying to use up all of the stuff that they had, I guess. So we had that, like, I don't even know, Sean made leek and potato soup at some point. There's really, you're really fucked. Like, it is a really fucked up situation. And the other thing is, unlike in the city, like, when I've been in disasters in the city, you can just go out and kind of check shit out. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But there's nothing to check out unless you want to walk several miles when you're in the bucolic wonderland of Lawrenceville, New Jersey. Look, again, it's a beautiful place, a lovely place. But it was a nightmare zone. So, I mean, ultimately, you are just fucked. Simon started waking up like in the middle. Simon would get too cold

in his bed because little tiny kid, you have to be really careful about putting blankets on them because they could smother in the blankets because they don't know they're not.

And so, we would dress him up in all the clothes we had brought for him. That's the other thing. Like, the weather forecast had not predicted anything below like 55 or 60 as a as a as a low for the for the week it had been unseasonably warm before the hurricane yeah so like we have him wearing all

of his clothes he just wakes up at two o'clock in the morning screaming he wakes up at four o'clock in the morning screaming he's sleeping in our bed he He's kicking me in the, you know, neck. Ugh. It was truly, it was a tough situation. But you know what? But you did it. I fucking did it, man. I fucking.

You did it. You now know the timetable when shit starts to go crazy. You know how long you have when that shit goes down again. You'll be like, all right, we got three days to get out of here before it's going to start to unravel. You got to fill ahead of everybody else. I know to fill up my gas tank ahead of time so I can bolt. Just get in Target the first day and then just find some way to stay in Target, it sounds like. You set up camp in the Target. Oh, like in Opportunity Knox.

Yes, exactly. Exactly. That's what you need to do. Frank Whaley and I think Jennifer Conley. Mm-hmm. You know what? I'm willing to set up camp. At this point, I'd be willing to set up camp in a Super K Mart.

Oh, wow. Super K. Possibly a large Long's. If there was a large Long's drugs, I would probably be willing to set up camp there rather than go through this again. Yeah. They got a generator. Or longs. They got to keep the prescriptions cold. Yeah, they can't let those things get warm.

Something like that. Warm prescription? Not me. Don't want a warm prescription. Nobody wants it. Look, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Jordan, Jesse Goe, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, I'm sorry, Jordan Morris, Kathy Bates, sorry. Sorry, the unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry. Col Worth, Kathy Bates. Sorry. Sorry. I forgot that we were doing- The unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry. Colton, what are you? Tandy Noon. This episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go! Like most all of our episodes, brought to you in part by Ask Metafilter. Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. Our thanks to the good people at Ask Metafilter. We should probably ask Metafilter if the stuff is considered a monster.

That's the kind of question they could really dig into. Yeah. I think, yeah. I mean, I guess in the case of the stuff, the real monster was the military industrial complex. That's a really good point. That's right. Yeah. Thank you very much for saying that.

Anyway, listen, if you watch Matrix Revolutions, you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Who's up on the Jumbotron this week? It's Hollywood Access Services' Solo DX. This is an audio description of film and television for visually impaired folks. So basically these guys did all of the, have been closed captioning our episodes of Put This On this season. I'm immensely grateful to them for that. We had gotten requests from people

saying, can you close caption this because I'm you know, because I am hard of hearing or what have you. And we really wanted to do it, but we didn't have the means to pay a service to do it. So I just said, you know, what's the best way to do this, but we didn't have the means to pay a service to do it. So I just said, you know, what's the best way to do this, whatever.

And they said, hey, listen, we run a transcription service that specializes in access stuff for your media. And why don't we do it in trade for Jordan Jesse Coe? They've done an amazing job. And they have this new product called SoloDX, which is a software system for this purpose that has, you know, you can, among other things, download MP3s of the description so you can sync easily. It's really cool. They're a really cool service. So if you're out there, you are a media maker.

You would like to make your work accessible. They have reasonable rates, and they have this really cool platform, SoloDX, which you can find out more about at solo-dx.com. Solo-dx.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. If you want to sponsor a future episode of the program, email Teresa at maximumfun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Call him Dirt Tanny Noon. What? What? I think – actually, I think listeners will probably be excited to know that Colton had a hand in the Key and Peele sketch that was discussed a few episodes back where all the football players say funny names. Yes, I wrote on that show. Yes. Did you write any of those funny names?

We banged out some of those names. I'm not sure if any of mine made it into the sketch. I think there was one. Donkey Teeth, I know. Duke Marriott, Mariquan. Yeah, that was a great, that was a fun sketch. It was a sketch, I believe Jordan brought it in and started reading all the names. And it was one of those sketches where it was like, let's see, I wonder if we're going to cut some of the names or we're just going to keep going.

And they just kept going, doing both teams. It was awesome. And also worth mentioning, I think, is the sketch where the two valet parkers are obsessed with the career of Liam Neeson, but not just his action movies, his arthouse work, too. That's right, yes. That's the first sketch I wrote for season two called Liam Neeson is My Shit.

And it's a great sketch, and if you'd like to see that sketch on YouTube, please go to the Facebook page and request Liam Neeson's Is My Shit on YouTube. Because they only put a certain amount of... They only put a certain number up there, and that's my favorite sketch, and I want Liam Neeson to see it, so let's get it on YouTube. I'm happy you're involved in that television program, Colton, because it is one of my favorite

television programs. Oh, that's good. I love the show. Now, granted, am I three weeks behind because I was just caught in some sort of nightmare post-apocalyptic scenario? Word. Yes. Are you three weeks behind because you were gone caught in some sort of nightmare post-apocalyptic scenario? Word. Yes. Are you three weeks behind

because you were gone for five days? Yes. Yes. To be fair, I was gone for ten days before that. Oh, okay.

That's right. That shit is tremendous. If you, seriously, if you're out there and you're not watching Key & Peele, fucking shit list.

You just got on my fucking shit list. I do not want to be there. I appreciate it. These guys are working hard for the money. They're making choices. They're skilled sketch performers. It's not just some fucking stand-up comedian who's got a couple funny ideas and is going to half-ass his way through a sketch comedy television program.

These are gifted comics with a point of view and skills at performing comedy characters. That's right. I'll give you an example. There is a sketch with a bunch of college football players and their funny names. Yes. There are probably 30 funny names. They made a choice for every single funny name. There is no half-assed funny name character in that entire four-minute list of names.

No. Choices made because they are real sketch comedy performers. We had great makeup department. Funny dreadlocks on some of those guys. Great facial hair. No offense to some of the funniest people out there who have made half-assed sketch comedy shows with brilliant moments. Nick Swartzen, Dave Chappelle.

However, I will just say that I really appreciate watching a sketch comedy show with gifted sketch comedy performers in it, in addition to the fact that the sketches are great and the show has a brilliant and incisive point of view. It's a great show to work on. Am I wrong to think that one of the big Achilles heels of Chappelle's show was that he had no interest

in being in a sketch comedy show? I mean, I'm not going to question... I'm not going to question the air. I'm not here to question. That definitely had to do with it going off the air. Yeah, I mean. I'm not here to question that Dave Chappelle is a brilliant comedy genius because, of course, he fucking is. He's amazing. One of the great sketch comedy, one of the great stand-up comedians of our time.

And that show was full of great sketch comedy ideas and some really brilliantly written sketches as well. But at any given time, Dave Chappelle could have taken or left performing on the show. That was the impression that I remember from watching it. Sorry. Okay, you want to take some calls? Why don't we?

I'm done spouting my controversial opinions. It was a good show. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. I have a momentous occasion. I just came home from my sixth circus class, and I just climbed the rope for the very first time. I made it to the top of the rope, and it was very exciting and exhilarating.

More powerful than ever. Thanks. Bye. I sometimes think about just fucking leaving it all behind and putting all my savings into circus classes. You know, who needs this Hollywood rigmarole managers and spec scripts? There was a clown college close by to where I started doing improv comedy years ago in Minnesota. And a couple of people would go to the clown college. And I never went there. So you were presented with a choice every day on the way to improv.

I could have said I'm just going to this Clown College and get it all figured out. You know, we mentioned 10 West earlier in the show. One of those two guys, Stephen Simon, went to Clown College and the other one was a groundling if I remember correctly. And the other one was a groundling, if I remember correctly. I would say this. There is something to be said for going to clown college as long as you don't then become a professional clown. You can learn important skills.

I know when I was in high school, the theater arts high school I went to, one of our professors was a professional clown and taught a physical theater class where I learned some things that were very useful and valuable to me when I later performed sketch comedy. However, kill me if I ever become a fucking clown. You know what I mean? That's rough. Like, this is just the worst. It's pretty weird. It's a tough life. It's a weird job. Nobody wants that for themselves.

Well, some people do, but they're a mess. Yeah. They have fucked up priorities. They're probably out there taking circus classes finding the freedman's yeah you're gonna get a finding the freedman situation you don't want that sure you don't want any of that probably eichmann i mean we don't know whether eichmann wanted to become a clown but probably yeah he did have a bunker with a lot of seltzer. Right. We can only speculate. I bet if you're one of these- The circus is different, right?

The circus classes must be much more acrobatic. Yeah, I'm guessing this is like- She said she climbed a rope. I didn't do that. I did that in high school, like in gym class, so I don't- Right. Yeah, I wonder what she's talking about. Maybe, yeah, maybe this is more of a Cirque du Soleil acrobatic.

I'll tell you what. You know, as I mentioned, I went to arts high school. You know, I know people that did theater stuff. I mean, circus stuff. I just, I don't want to paint with a broad brush here. No. But it sounds like you're about to whip out a really, really big brush. Yeah.

Far be it from you to generalize. Let's just say they're not, not the worst. Okay. The circus folk. Yeah. There's some, you could learn to do an amazing thing in circus. I mean, here's the thing. This woman sounds like a good woman.

She likes our show. She's accomplished something she never dreamed she would accomplish. So I don't want to tear that down. But it might be the worst person in the world. You're afraid she's on a bad path. I just think that she should not get really into it. If she's just taking it on a lark the same way that you would take, like, I saw a sign up on the wall on a post in Park Slope, Brooklyn, where I was recently. And it said, learn to play ice hockey.

And I thought, shit, that sounds fun. Look, I'll go out and play ice hockey. And if you go and play ice hockey and then you want to be the guy that plays ice hockey, I would fucking go for it. Yeah, it's Dave Hill's deal. Yeah, exactly. Fucking Dave Hill plays ice hockey.

Sure. If it's good enough for DH, he's the best. We're talking about East Coast Dave Hill. Colton, you probably know both Dave Hills, right? I know both the Dave Hills. Yeah, as a person who has lived on both coasts. Do you have a... I mean, I don't, you know, I don't want you to...

I know one Dave Hill better than the other Dave Hill. Which one? I did a show with one of the Dave Hills. Which East Coast or West Coast? The West Coast Dave Hill. We did a show called Crime Scenes, which was a sketch comedy show about police stuff. Oh, that's right. I remember that.

That was funny. That was great. It was a fun show. We did Aspen, the HBO Aspen Comedy Festival when that was still going on. Wow. Okay, look. I know you guys are having fun with your industry talk. I'm trying to change someone's life.

That's right. That's right. Here's the thing. So what I'm saying is, if you just want to acquire a neat skill, like, for example, from that class I took with the clown guy, I still know how to do a stage hair pull really well.

Okay? Balled up fist on the top of the head. Yeah. So... And I know some, like, also from theater school, I know some fencing moves that I totally uh that i totally impressed our friend who was in the pet in the modern pentathlon in the olympics with oh i was like hey look i know this fencing move and she's like yes that is a real fencing move

so there's something to be said for acquiring an interesting skill but do not become a circus skills person do not become a person that's always fucking with devil sticks or juggling shit at inappropriate times or like doing weird stretches when you're just trying to hang out. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're worried about hangout stretches. Yeah.

That shit's nasty. It's gross. I don't want to look at your weird stretch. This girl will be in Burning Man in two years. That's my concern. Yeah, this is going to lead to Burning Man. That is my concern. And she's going to be a central figure at Burning Man.

Did you see the rope lady? You've got to go see the rope lady. Right. I have a hard time, and I know what you mean. I sympathize with a lot of this stuff that you're saying, Jesse. And I agree with a lot of it. But I have a hard time dissuading people from this sort of thing because ultimately what they're getting into is a subculture that's basically a fuck

fest. And to deny someone that, I mean, who am I? Who am I to say- You're just saying she's going to climb a lot of ropes. Sure. Yeah. Or, you know, whatever the vagina equivalent of a rope is. Maybe this is some sort of lesbian circus circle.

Who are we to say? Isn't there something we could encourage her to get into? are by nature for weirdos because the reason that you end up in the fuck fest with the other people in a subculture and not just with the world at large is because you struggle to relate to the world at large. Is that fair to say? I think so, yeah. I don't think that's off base. Are there fuck fest subcultures? For normal people, no.

There's got to be something. Yeah. I think the whole world. There's got to be something. Yeah, I mean, like, a lot. Everything's a fuckfest. The whole thing is a big fuckfest. Maybe for you, Colton. To quit your bragging. Maybe for flowers. With their pollen.

Yeah, maybe if you're a flower. Yeah, I'm always getting my stamen pollinated. Yeah, a bee will land in me and get pollen on its legs. That for me is fucking. I'm a flower. I want to know what fuckfest interest is the least, is the most fuckfesty relative to the level of unpleasantness. No, and I definitely think that this needs a graph. And on this graph...

Where's like Ren Faire people? See, that's what I'm talking about. I say that's high fuck fest, high obnoxiousness. Yeah. So that is... There we go. I mean, I think you're... I mean, that's at the top of both.

That's at the top. Yeah. I mean, and so... And here's the problem. There's a lot of things that relatively socially conversant people do in their sort of non-socially conversant time. Yeah. You know, especially dudes, you know, like at trains or something that are, there's no fuck fest there because there's no- Yeah, Civil War reenactments.

Mixing of the genders. Yeah. So, what is the thing? Can we put that out to the audience? Yeah. I want to hear pitches. Yeah, me too yeah and i'd like to see this graph and i'd like to see some people graph this yeah i mean steampunk needs to

be on there improv classes need to be on there this is something that can also be a social like a social liability but also kind of a fuck fest improv classes you're going to have the classic problem of any nerd pursuit which is you're going to have a four to one ratio. Sure. Although I'd say probably that's – Is that changing these days? That gap is closing. I think if you look at your average intro improv class slash improv show, that gap is less –

Getting better all the time? Getting better all the time. But sure, a concern. Yeah. But I mean that's – Not a concern. You want something where – I mean that's one of the great strengths of circus. Sure.

You will have equity between the genders. Totally. In the circus community. Being in a high school musical. That's a pretty solid one. Totally. But I mean you're going to be pretty obnoxious if you're in the high school musical. Yeah.

What leads you – what gives you – what makes you the less – I fucked my way through a few high school musicals I guess is what I'm trying to say. You mean you and Teresa fuck while you watch the high school musical Disney Channel movies, right? Yes. You guys go and fuck during – yeah, once a week during Glee. So, yeah. So, yeah. That is an interesting point. What makes you the least socially obnoxious but still get you that intimate, enthusiastic community that you can have sex with?

Working at the Mac store. The genius bar. The genius bar. That might be it. That might be it. It's pretty good. I've noticed that. I mean, I think that the gender disparity in there is pretty.

It's pretty even. Yeah, it's pretty even. I'm sure they keep an eye on that. They have to have a pretty diverse face out to pretty even. I'm sure they keep an eye on that. They have to have a pretty diverse face out to the community. I think so. Yeah. Okay. Well, I want to hear what people have to say. 206-984-4FUN.

206-984-4FUN is the number. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is our email address. I think we got some more calls, right, Brian? Let's hear what we got. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. I was very, very excited to get out of my house and go on a mini vacation and avoid my in-laws and wife and child. No, I love them.

They're all great. And I took the weekend off work. I'm a bartender. Drove to the Pocono Manor. So excited. I'm just like, you know, super pumped. More powerful than ever. I get to Pocono Manor for Max Fun Con.

And the concierge is like, we don't have you checking in until tomorrow. I psyched myself up so much for Max FunCon that I got there a day early, unaware. And then this wave of embarrassment and like, am I a crazy person? I'm not sure. And I just felt really embarrassed. And then I turned around only to be bumped into nearly by Jesse Thorne, baby Simon and wife Teresa. And, oh, jeez.

It was the most... Jesse, he just looked like, Matt, you should have a day early. Get it together. Thanks, guys. Yeah, I met that guy, Max Funcon. I forgot about that. Yeah, he's like a kid who wakes up at four in the morning for Christmas. Yeah, I think that's great.

I'm all for that. You know, Max Funcon's not a bad choice for least unpleasant fuckfest. Yeah. I mean, I guess for it to be really, really appealing, it would have to be like a weekly thing. Right. The fact that it is so sporadic. Quilting Bee. Quilting Bee.

Yeah. Book Club. Anyway. Just spitballing here. So what did that guy do? He just hung out at the- I think he just paid for a night at the hotel. Oh, really spitballing here. So what did that guy do? He just hung out at the... I think he just paid for a night at the hotel. Oh, really?

Well, because once you're in the Poconos, what are you going to do? Drive back? It's like a two and a half, three hour drive. Yeah, I don't think he was going to... Did he tell you that whole story there when he ran into you? No, I did hear either from him

or from someone else that he had accidentally showed up early because he thought it started on Thursday. Yeah, but you know what? We get a nice... You can go out to the... If you're in the Pocono Manor, you can go out to the club and shoot some sporting clays.

Sure. I've never been to the Pocono Manor. Give me the... You should come out and teach a class next year, Colton. Sure, I'll teach a class in rope climbing. Honestly, Colton's actually probably better qualified to teach the improv class than I am. I'll be perfectly honest. I mean, I don't want to give away my spot, but, I mean, if we're looking for a more qualified improv teacher.

You're not invited next year one way or the other. Huh? You're not invited next year one way or the other. Oh, God, thank you. I just, uh. Your dick couldn God, thank you. I just... Your dick couldn't take it anymore. I can't survive all that fucking... Your balls are so drained.

Thank you. Brian, we got anything left? Sex means nothing anymore. We got two more? Okay, let's fucking spit them out, then. So I'm walking down 2nd Avenue in Manhattan. And, oh, right, Momentous Cajun, hi. And my neighborhood just turned on, so that's good.

Yes. It's, uh, it's, uh, I guess it's as powerful as ever. Alright, bye. As powerful as previously. Yeah. Yeah. That's great! Second Avenue, New York City, the Big Apple, the city with broad shoulders, the Windy City.

Did you guys ever live there? The Golden Gate City. No. The Emerald City. The Emerald City. Did you go right there from Minnesota? I did. Yeah, I took a Greyhound bus from-

Wow, that's kind of classic. Where in Minnesota are you from? St. Paul. Okay. Well, I hear that's nicer than Minneapolis. Well, I mean, it's different. They're very close together, two very different cities. St. Paul's a very pretty city, very nice city to grow up in.

Minneapolis is a little more fun. It's got a little more stuff to do, a little better, you know, downtown, uptown. Where does Prince live? I don't know where Prince lives. There are more tunnels and overground passageways in Minneapolis. We call them the Skyway system. Yes, there's more Skyway system in Minneapolis. I've been to that.

Yeah. Look. I wasn't born yesterday. Oh, yeah. No, everybody. I've been on the Skyway system, Colton. Come on. Get real.

Get your head in the game. Let's take this next call. Minnesota. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Jesse from Maryland. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just left the early voting polling place here in Maryland where I voted yes for question six, which would allow gay marriage in the state of Maryland. And I feel like a million bucks.

And I feel like a million bucks. My paternal grandfather lived the last maybe 30 years of his life with his male partner, Randy. And he's passed away, but he never had the chance to marry the man that he loved. And so it makes me very emotional to be able to do something to help people like that in the future. So more powerful than ever. Thanks. You know what? All right. We don't do politics on this show.

Sure. As a general rule. However, as long as my shit list is out. Mm-hmm. If you're fucking keeping gays from getting married, you're on my shit list. Not cool. You know what? We can differ.

Is that politics? We can differ. We can differ on matters of – They made it a political issue. We can differ on matters of taxation. You and I can – we can have diametrically opposed views about America's role in the world. But let's just let the gays get married. Listen to that.

I was thinking I'm very happy for that guy. He was able to do that vote. But I'm kind of bummed out that that's something that has been put out to a popular vote. That some people can get rights. That's that's that's that's just ridiculous. This is just it's on the topic of elections. I think this is – I'm awkwardly inserting this in here but I think it's just too funny and weird not to talk about. Did you read this thing in Esquire about – I think the guy's name is John Flake and he's running for Senate in Arizona?

No. He's this guy who's running for Senate in Arizona. I think Senate. And, you know, and the thrust of the article is like, hey, Arizona is kind of a crazy state right now. It has lots of weird racists, but it also has lots of immigrants. So what are we going to do about it? Like, why? Why is this like the world's craziest state? They did not mention Alice Cooper's restaurant. I think that was their first mistake. You really, if you're going to run down the hot topics in Arizona, you're going to talk about that Maricopa County Sheriff.

You're going to talk about Governor Jan Brewer. You're going to talk about Alice Cooper's restaurant. Do the hostesses have to wear the Alice Cooper makeup? I vote yes. But this dude, so, you know, and the idea was like this guy is a conservative, but he's compassionate. He has some sort of – Like Bush. Right.

Yes, like Bush. So he's got, you know, he's one-sixteenth Mexican or something like that. So he understands, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, and they're doing a pretty good job. The guy sounds real reasonable. He's a Mormon. He's kind of a nice family man. They have some, like, fun pictures of him and his kids. And there's this moment where they're at a pretty good job. The guy sounds real reasonable. He's a Mormon. He's kind of a nice family man. They have some fun pictures of him and his kids.

And there's this moment where they're at a rally for the guy. And it said like a distant cousin came up to him, like a real – someone that he knew as like a family member. But they're Mormon, so they've got a lot of cousins. So this guy comes up to him and the guy says, so where do you stand on proposition blah, blah, blah? What are we going to do about the wetbacks? And the guy – and so John – I think the guy's name is John Flake gives a very reasonable things like, well, obviously, illegal immigration is a problem. But we need to be compassionate and like there's economic influences. So I'm considering everything when I'm deciding how to vote.

I'm like, oh, that was really reasonable. Wait a minute. That guy just said wetback. Yeah. And you didn't say anything. You didn't say anything about it. Yes. You gave a very measured –

But he basically accepted that wetbacks was the correct term for the illegal immigrants. He was OK. And, you know, maybe he opposes this policy, which is which is maybe maybe racist. But he's OK with someone casually saying wetback at one of his rallies at one of your things. While Esquire is there. Yeah, I know. But also Esquire guy doesn't say anything about it either. No one says anything about it anyway. Saying something, saying something about something, someone that agrees with you being full of shit, I have to say that that time when – geez, we're going deep in politics here, but we're going to wrap it up in a second. Yeah.

That time that John McCain – Class act. Like a week before the election just ripped into that guy who was implying that Obama was not a real American and so on and so forth. I was like, you know what? That is actually – I have a tremendous respect for someone who does that. Like somebody who calls their own people on their bullshit with nothing to gain from it. McCain did it a couple times too. He did it with the old lady, the woman, and he's like, no, he's not a Muslim.

Yeah. And God bless folks with the old lady, the woman, and he's like, no, he's not a Muslim. He's, you know. Yeah. And God bless folks with the guts to do that. And you know what else? God bless the wetbacks. Am I wrong? Am I describing this? Whoever that may be referring to.

Yeah. We don't, you know, whoever that is. We all like to have- It's hard working, right? That's where the term comes from. Right. All the hard working people out there.

You know what? Here's something interesting. Cloud Atlas teaches you that in the future, everybody looks like me, pretty much. Really? Everybody's got like a- Like a big guy, like a burly. A burly. Broad shoulders. Broad shoulders.

Nice plaid shirt. Garelless. They're all sort of light-skinned like I am. Oh, interesting. I mean, and I think, I mean, back, even Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks is a little, he's got a tan because he's, but he's like, he lives on this wild island. Oh. And like the future people who come to visit him are, it's a whole bunch of like the Cosby kids.

Does he have a volleyball at all? No. are it's it's it's a whole bunch of does he have a volleyball at all so cloud atlas happens in the same universe range as the as the cosby show so okay i mean i definitely noticed in the in that last matrix movie maybe one of the most hilarious slash ridiculous scenes was this big rave that they have. Oh, that was the worst. It's so awful. But everyone in there is so like distinctly biracial, you know, like everybody is. Yeah, it is like this weird utopia that those Wachowskis like to hint at. Anyway. Can I say one more thing about politics? You may.

Yes. I may have mentioned this on the show, but America's politicians that know Latinos are important, but don't really know any Latinos, just because you know a half Cuban guy does not mean he should run for president of something. Like just because you found a guy whose parents spoke Spanish, like there is a guy in New Mexico, a Democratic candidate for a major office, senator, governor. I really got the specifics down on this one. Who is, geez, like he is like Puerto Rican or Dominican or something like that.

There are no Dominicans in the southwest. There's no Puerto Ricans. There's no Cubans in the southwest. Yeah. But like they're just like, I don't know. It's like if people expected like us as white people to relate to a Scandinavian guy. Yeah. You'll relate to Torstein.

Like he knows. He knows about your thing, your deal. That particular brand of weird pandering is one of the most racist things going on in American politics right now that just everyone just thinks. Number one, let me just say I'm a fan of Cuba and the Cuban people. My wife lived in Cuba for a time. I like to go to La Cochinita, a Cuban restaurant in Silver Lake. That's right. There's that one in Culver City. I forget the name. It's pretty good. There's that one in Culver City. I forget the name.

It's pretty good. Yeah, that's a real solid restaurant. But the thing is, is like all of the other types of Latinos, very, very, especially in the United States, do not trust the Cubans because the Cubans are so fucking different from them. These are very different cultures. Yeah. It's really, it's like, it's as though you, it's what it's really like is as though there was like a country in, say, the Middle East where there was an increasing number of British immigrants and a French guy was running for president on the basis that they were both Europeans.

Yeah. Like, ooh. Give me the creeps. Okay, look. We're done with fucking politics. The point is- See Cloud Atlas in theaters now. See Cloud Atlas.

See Cloud Atlas. Vote to make your life better and the way you think your grandparents would like you to vote. Yeah. Just vote however your grandparents would like you to vote. your grandparents would want you to go. So vote for Werther's Originals. Write in vote for Bob Barker,

the Barker Werther's Ticket. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Jordan, Jessica, I'm Jesse Thorne. The unsinkable Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris. James Caan. Who is in a popular film. I know him as Jimmy Caan.

Well, that's who you hang out at, the Grotto. Yeah, sure. Colton, you've got to introduce yourself. Nobody's going to know who the fuck you are. Yes, uh, Colton Dutton. Charles S. Dutton. You literally killed a man. Yes. Literally killed a man, and then you were the star of rock!

God, so... You know, so weird. I was on a podcast recently called Improv on Tape with former Jordan Jesse Go guest Chad Fogland. And the subject of rock came up. I have not talked about rock in five years. Here we go. I watch a lot of rock as a child. I only watch rock live.

Dude, I want to get Charles S. Dutton on Bullseye sometime. In fact, we tried to get him on recently. Charles S. Dutton, number one, killed a man. Number two, like, was originated almost all of August Wilson's plays. Originally at Yale and then later on Broadway when August Wilson got super famous. Number three, he's the star of Rock.

I loved Rock. I bet Rock is pretty good. Yeah. Is there any way to, is that made its way onto Netflix yet? I was eight at the time, so it's hard to say,

but I bet Rock is pretty good because Charles Dutton is pretty great. He was great. Right? Yeah. I mean, they'll just be sort of

the sort of time things won't make sense. You know. Like everybody's wearing eight ball jackets. And they have no cell phones like pagers. A lot of Clarence Thomas jokes. A lot of Clarence Thomas jokes. And Anita Hill.

Colton and I after we wrap it up kind of have a fun adventure we're going on. We may it may even lead to us being incarcerated. Colton would you say that you're worried about jail? Well, I don't know. Yeah, but you know, we might have to face a runaway from some cops.

Is it voting fraud? Yes, we're going to go vote in multiple voting places. I can't help but notice that you're African American, Colton. What we're going to do is we're going to find drunks. Yeah.

And we're going to take them from polling place to polling place. Oh. We'll keep voting. My fingers are crossed that you find Edgar Allen Poe. I know. That's how he died. That's the best. Yeah, no. Colton and I think we know

of a... I should mention, we're taping this on Sunday, on a Sunday evening. Sunday before the election and before the release of Halo 4. We think we know a store that is illegally giving out Halo 4s. And by giving them out, I mean selling them. Oh, is it more expensive, do you think? Do you think we're paying a premium for this?

No, I doubt that it will be that much more expensive if it works. When does it come out? It comes out on Tuesday. Election day. And even before we were here, we were talking. I was saying, you know what? I know it's – I think the place is close by. But I've already prepaid for my copy on Tuesday.

And then Jordan's like, no, yeah, I think that place is really close by. And a couple more minutes went by and I was like, I guess maybe we should just go buy it. Would you say that the Microsoft Corporation on Tuesday is asking for America to vote for the star of Halo, MasterChef? MasterChef. Yes, MasterChef. MasterChef. Yes, MasterChef. Iron Chef. Iron Chef. Yes, Halo is a cooking simulator.

Every single time I see MasterChef, I think it says MasterChef. I should point out I've never actually played Halo. Well, that makes sense. I think that would have helped. That would definitely help you equate. There's no culinary. Yeah, I don't think you even eat. You don't even see him eat.

There's maybe a health pack on the wall that you might grab, but that's about the closest it gets. So you're saying it's a lot like Wolfenstein 3D. It is a lot like Wolfenstein 3D, actually. Excellent. Well, then we're on board. There's a lot of German yelling. What are we talking about? Are we talking about some sort of gray market,

likely Korean-owned? Yes, specifically Korean-owned. It's called, I shouldn't say what it's called. Well, anyways, it's a place. It's a place. And we think, but we don't know if there's a code or not. Do we just say, it's not going to be on the shelf because they'll get shut down. Yeah.

No, we have, through Facebook, people have been posting pictures and information. You should know that you cannot go to jail for this. Yeah. This is not a jail. This is a purely civil matter. Right. We won't go to jail. In the past, they said that they may ban you from Xbox Live.

Yeah, and that's like jail. They see you playing the game. That's basically worse than jail, maybe even death. I think it's worse than jail because at least our buddy Ian, though, our buddy Ian, though,

is flagrantly playing it on Xbox. I looked at what he was playing today and he's just playing it. He's not, like, cloaking himself. Ian Waltersdorf?

Yes. Oh, jeez. Should I have said his full name? No. You shouldn't have. You guys just said you were going to do this. Well, we? Yes. Oh, jeez. Should I have said his full name? No. You shouldn't have. You guys just said you were going to do this. Well, we did not. We said we might. We were thinking about it.

This is also for entertainment. It's not a documentary. This is a play. This is an original play that we've written. Colton, are you saying that this whole show is for tobacco use only? Yes, exactly. This is a water pipe sold at a Blacklight poster store.

Yes, I don't know. I think I, and my thing was like, I'm not, I have like a couple of games that I'm playing and I'm really enjoying and I'm not a huge fan of the Halo games. I like them, but I don't love them. But I think the fun of getting the game early with like a password is maybe too much, too much fun to pass up and I would have to do it. Think about this, Jordan. Yes. Let me offer you this possibility.

You get this game. You've got what? 48, 72 hours before this thing comes out. Think of the fucking buzz you could get in the next 72 hours. With the game or without it? With the game. Oh, no, no, no. I think this is what we were talking about ratio of.

You're going to be going from club to club. You just flash it. Just shove it down your pants. You want to come to my place. Yeah. And meet MasterChef. Sure. And meet MasterChef.

Which is the name of my dick. But, yeah, no, I even felt like our buddy Ian was bragging when he was playing it on there today. Oh, clearly. I feel like I want to, you know, yeah. You can't let him get away with it. There's a keeping up with the Joneses type thing. Because nothing would be better than both of us to pop online in two hours also playing it. Yeah, that would show him.

I'm not as cool as I thought I was. I thought I was. I thought I was super cool. Turns out I'm not, which is what he would say to himself. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Anyway thought I was super cool. Turns out I'm not, which is what he would say to himself. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just – wish us luck. Are you thinking about having sex with Ian Waltersdorf at all?

What? Because he's got the game. No, man. This is the biggest – No, we're – That's what chicks do. How do you think sex works? I don't know.

That's what chicks do. Us guys, we get the game too. Yeah, we need to be talked to a little bit. Like, I can't just imagine Ian and then get, you know. Do you think about MasterChef? If I think about MasterChef, I just get hungry. Yeah. We're guys, so we think about Cortana.

Yeah. That's a female character in the largely male Halo universe. Yeah. We've been here for far too long. Now we keep going. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Hey, I haven't said this lately on the show, but if you have not reviewed our show in iTunes

and you just sat through this hour and 45 minutes of nonsense, go into iTunes and review that shit. It actually makes a difference. But don't say that the show was nonsense. Say it was good. Yeah. Do not go in there and also don't go in there and post a review that says like, well, they told me to post a review, so I'm doing it.

And then that's the whole fucking review because thumbs down for that bullshit. Post an honest review. Give us an honest five-star review. And while you're reviewing stuff, while you're reviewing stuff online, you should watch me and Colton's web show, Game Shop. It's very funny. It's on YouTube.com slash start. I literally watched the first episode in a parking lot of a Target when I should have

been saving my batteries for something important I later learned. Thank you. Appreciate it. And I really enjoyed it. Thank you. And I don't know from MasterChef. There was a lot of jokes. There was only, what, one or two Wolfenstein 3D jokes.

Yeah. I did catch those. I did catch those. There will be an episode where Wolfenstein is playing on in the background of the episode. Excellent. Well then. You'll look forward to that. I've got that to look forward to.

Yeah. I would say basically everybody at this point, they've gotten to know you over the years, Jordan. Now they know Colton very well. Sure. They're probably going to go to YouTube.com slash start and watch Game Shop. They should. And if they enjoy it, leave a nice comment. That goes a long way.

That way the money men will know that you guys aren't a bunch of faggots. Right. Do not want that out there. Yeah. Yeah. No homo. YouTube.com slash start. If you are, let's see, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

Brian Fernandez on the boards. Thank you, Brian. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.