Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 250: Rear Admiral Tickler with Laurie Kilmartin

Episode Date: November 12, 2012

Comedianne and writer Laurie Kilmartin joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Speed Racer, Hot Kid Baby Mum Mums Rice Rusks, childrens' books, and Laurie's book Shitty Mom.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go. We're joined by the hilarious Lori Kilmartin, author of Shitty Mom, writer for Conan. And we find out what really happens at a Civil War reenactment. Wow. Just wow. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles.

Brisk? Beautiful day. Brisk, clear air, blue skies. Jordan, you could see a mile. Yeah. You know what that stop motion Eminem from a few years ago would say? What's that, Jordan? That's brisk, baby. Wait. And Eminem said That's brisk, baby. Wait, an M&M said that's brisk, baby? Oh, M&M the rapper. Remember when there was the stop motion M&M?

Wait, a stop motion M&M? Uh-huh. Not the John Lovitz M&M. No. That's a computer animated M&M. Yeah. This is a stop motion M&M the rapper. He would pound a Lipton brisk iced tea and say, that's brisk, baby.

Why would he say that? I mean, to encourage you to buy a brisk iced tea. Why would brisk iced tea pick Eminem to be its spokesperson? I don't know. They also had a Frank Sinatra. Wait, Frank Sinatra and Eminem? Frank Sinatra's dead. I think this was an impersonator.

They hired a stop-motion impersonator? Mm-hmm. To drink iced tea? A man who can move in a way to where it looks like he's stop-motion. And he also, you know, talks like Frank Sinatra. It sounds like a terrible advertising campaign. Why did we sign on for this? I don't know.

The entire city of Los Angeles is behind this. Yeah. Tommy Lasorda. Angelique. Everybody. Jeez Louise. Antonio Villaraigosa. Wow.

Yeah. That's brisk, baby. I mean, do I have to say it? I mean, if you want this pile of cocaine, you do. If you want to do this blow with Tommy Lasorda. Also, we get a signed copy of his old Genesis game, too.

In a jar of his signature pasta sauce. Does he have a pasta sauce? I probably. Yeah. Is that racist for me to say that? But he probably does. I bet he does, too. I saw some Marky Ramone pasta sauce the other day at Whole Foods that I almost got.

But then I remember that I don't make much pasta. I want to be clear. When I say that Tommy Lasorda probably has a signature pasta sauce, it's not exclusively because he's an Italian-American. He is an Italian-American. It's because he's a fatso. It's because he's a fatso and he's just known he's that kind of guy. Right. You know what I mean?

It's not just about it. The fact that it's pasta sauce is because he's Italian-American. If he was an African-American, it would be some sort of soul food product. If he was a Swedish-American, it would be some sort of pickled fish. Like a dry rub. Yeah, like a rub. Exactly. A barbecue seasoning of some kind. Or, you know, like I said, Northern European, a pickled fish. Like a dry rub. Yeah, like a rub. Exactly. A barbecue seasoning of some kind.

Or, you know, like I said, Northern European, a pickled fish. There's a lot of different signature products he could have, and they do correspond with his ethnicity. But it's the fact that he's the kind of guy that would have a signature food product that is salient here

and not his ethnicity specifically. Thanks for clearing that up. That's brisk, baby. That's brisk. There you go. Our guest on the program, already confused. Well, heartbroken. Really?

Because you're talking about Italians and fat people and black people and Swedes, and I want it in. Like, I can't comment. I'm shackled. You have this list. My specialty. A comedian and now author, Laurie Kilmartin, who's the author of the new book, Shitty Mom. And also a writer on the Conan O'Brien television program.

And a beloved stand-up comedian. When I say beloved, I mean by me. I'm a big fan of her stand-up comedy work. You mean old? No. Right? No. Yeah. I mean Italian. You mean old? No. Right? No. Yeah.

I mean Italian. I mean, to be fair, Jesse. It's a euphemism for Italian-American. If you said beloved actress, you're thinking more like Judi Dench. You wouldn't say beloved actress. I would say that of Jessica Biel. Beloved actress Jessica Biel. You wouldn't say that about a bringer comic.

I wouldn't necessarily call Jessica Biel an actress. I guess that's the flaw in that plan. A bringer comic, I was just in New York City. Jordan was as well. We all went out to the East Coast for Max von Kahn East. And I don't think I had ever experienced bringer comedy firsthand where the premise is flyering.

I had been to a couple of shows that involved comedy contests, local comedy contests, where comedians would, because they wanted to win the comedy contest that was determined by audience vote, they would bring people. But not the kind where you actually have to bring people you don't know.

It's so – well, that's – I think that's different from a different kind of humiliation than a bringer show. Like a bringer is I think your friends or people that you do know. And flyering is one step below, which I've done flyering. When I first moved to New York, I did flyering. That's a thing. And I think it's only – is When I first moved to New York, I did flyering. That's the thing. And I think it's only, is it a thing elsewhere besides New York City? I don't think so because I don't think there's no one else.

In Los Angeles, there's no one walking. Right. They couldn't take a flyer. There's no public places. Yes. I was approached in Culver City a few days ago by a guy doing that New York spiel like, hey, you guys want to see some comedy tonight? And it was like, but usually in New York when you see those guys, you know, there's kind of 10 of them.

Yeah. And, you know, everybody's got their corner. But this was just the one guy. And I wanted to stop and ask him, where is there a comedy club around here? What are you doing? Was it Dave Coulier? It was not, unfortunately. He did tell me to cut it out, though.

And you're like, you're the one bothering me. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it was strange. I wanted to engage this guy because it was so weird because you never see that in L.A., but this guy was doing it. But I wanted to find out more, but I also didn't want to talk to that guy. It's almost like they're little pop-up comedy clubs that last a couple months and then they go away and they move to another location. How many people – okay. When – you did this briefly when you first moved to New York City.

How much time do you spend doing it and how many people constitutes a successful day of berating people into coming to a comedy show usually like i would just do it for like two hours before before a show um where a friend was running the show so you kind of felt like i didn't feel exploited like we were all trying to get audience the guy running the show was flying like we were all just trying to do it oh that's nice it wasn't the kind of thing where it wasn't the kind of thing where you only got to go on stage when the sixth person crossed in that handed in your flyer that had your secret code at the bottom. Because that's a thing, I think. Oh, my God. I think that's a real thing.

That's too high tech. That is horrible. No, I'm sure that's a real thing. It's horrible. I've seen people – I've seen minutes times where someone will be like, oh, you were supposed to have three minutes and you have two now. Because their minutes got cut because – and it's such a small amount of time anyway it's a horrible it's a horrible business it's a horrible way to what what who are these people that run comedy clubs yeah right i don't know what is going on with i think there's some and and correct me if

i'm wrong but it seems like there's just some residual shysters from the 80s like in the 80s when you could make a ton of money opening up a comedy club because that was so but it seems like there's just some residual shysters from the 80s, like in the 80s when you could make a ton of money opening up a comedy club because that was so popular. It seems like there's a lot of like 60 year old dudes who made a lot of money then who still just kind of do it. Is that doesn't seem like I don't see a lot of like 60 year old dudes because back then those guys were really lazy. Like they didn't they didn't watch the show. They didn't care about it.

It was just like they just sold beer while they were stand up, but they didn't watch the show. They didn't care about it. It was just like they just sold beer while they were stand up, but they didn't have to do anything. So I think to hustle like this and actually print codes on the bottom of flyers takes a different type of personality. I think it's actually a completely different animal that's behind.

I don't mean to call them animals. I always presume that it's driven by some sort of drug use. So I picture the people in the 70s who no longer had the youth and vigor to run a discotheque. Right. It was very popular during the 1970s. I don't know if you guys have heard about these things. But people would run these things called discotheques where people went and did –

I often call them discos. Right. Sure. Your full-on confirmation name, discotheques where people went and did them discos right you're full-on confirmation name discotheque right absolutely why well that's only if they're aztec themed i use the i use the formal address you're very professional form um you don't want to be disrespectful toward the dance club yeah um so the the discotheque people were doing cocaine and poppers in the 70s. And then they couldn't keep up that lifestyle anymore.

But they only knew the club business. So then they just heard about Jay Leno or whatever, Richard Lewis, something like that. They're like, oh, I can get me one of them. And then those people – but then when the comedy boom started to fade in the late 80s, then they maybe started – by then they were using speed and that made them really focused and driven but still sort of a mess. So that gave them the code systems and the irrational rages that I presume exist. It's like a touching narrative that you've presented, the decline of comedy and comedy club owners.

It's not strictly true in the literal sense, but in a broader, more Mike Daisy-ish sense, it is actually true. I think it represents the truth. Those are amalgams of people you have met. Do I have to come back for the retraction podcast? Yes, absolutely. Jordan's going to grill me. Yeah, it's going to be very compelling. I'm going to sort of feel bad, but not quite.

It's going to be a really intense emotional thing. And I think at the end of it, both me and Jordan's careers are going to take off because of it. And then we'll learn a little bit about the line between theater and journalism too. Yeah. Which is important. Is Daisy doing better now? Daisy's doing fine. I should say I know Mike Daisy.

Oh, yeah. And, you know, I know Ira Glass too. Neither of them are close friends of mine or anything, but I know both of them. And that really sucked when that happened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That really stunk. What a stinker. Yeah. Oh, boy. I don't I get emails from Mike Daisy. Oh, but I don't know. But yeah, I felt really bad. You just fired him one time in New York in the late 80s. Before I heard that episode of This American Life, I thought, oh, that'll be interesting. It'll just be interesting. But then I just felt really bad for Ira Glass. Yeah. Well, that's Ira Glass's superpower.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, everyone was to blame and everyone was not to blame, I think. Right, right. I'm hesitant to be too judgmental about it. But I felt the one thing that I feel really bad about is that now the This American Life people have to run all of their things like it was Time magazine. Oh, man. Like This American Life was Time magazine.

Like it wasn't just people just saying a thing that they remember that happened to them. Right. Like they literally have fact checkers now, which not even like the Los Angeles Times probably still doesn't have fact checkers anymore. But This American Life does. Can we see your diaries from when you were 13 just to verify that you felt this way? Yeah, can we see the embarrassing first period underwear? I'm wearing it.

Anyway, it's a sad story, but I am happy that Laurie Kilmartin's here. Hey, Jesse, I've got a little bit of a sad story that I think we shouldn't spend too much time on, but I think it relates to the last episode. Oh, great. Based on our conversation last episode, we were talking about the Wachowskis and kind of in general those

movies that... Are we confirmed on that pronunciation? Yeah. The Matrix. The Matrix brother and the Matrix brothers now brother and sister. Yeah, exactly. Are we confirmed on Wachowski?

I would have said Wachowski. Yeah, I think so. Okay. We do know that they have a line of bratwursts. Yeah, absolutely. But you also say discotheque. So maybe that's the more formal pronunciation of Wachowski. Right, that's the instead form.

I'm a racist. the more formal pronunciation of Wachowski. Right, that's the Estead form. I'm a racist. We were talking about those movies that kind of like intellectual stony guys will insist are great movies. Right, right. But really just kind of silly. I watched Speed Racer.

Uh-huh. I didn't know that came out in movie form. It did, yeah, yeah. The Wachowskis made a super high budget, mostly green screen speed racer. You'd know them as the Wachowskis. Sausage Magnates. Lana and...

Yeah. And it was not good. It was pretty firmly, pretty completely and utterly for 10 year olds. There is a scene where John Goodman fights a ninja. Wow. You say it's not good.

I mean, that part is good. If you can find that isolated somewhere, then yeah. I mean, it's basically the greatest movie of all time. Did you write down what chapter that is on the Blu-ray? No, I didn't. I'm sorry. Did you watch it on Blu-ray? I did put it in my favorite I didn't. I'm sorry. Did you watch it on Blu-ray? I did put it in my favorite scenes, though.

Okay. I did watch it on Blu-ray, yes. Okay, good. So you got a full HD experience. Absolutely. Surround sound, the whole nine. Okay. So yeah, so this is a movie that people have been like, you know, it was kind of a failed

movie, and I feel like a lot of people are like, Speed Racer, it was good. Trust me. Game changer. Yeah, I just didn't see it. It seems like one of those movies where the actors were just standing in front of a green screen while the world's most complicated cartoon is playing behind them. And then they're kind of reacting. I don't know anyone who – no one has ever told me that Speed Racer was a game changer. Oh, yeah?

But it might be the conversations I'm having. Yeah. I feel... And then when you're like Blu-ray... Like, I'm sort of 10 years behind you technologically, you know? Or I'm ahead of you. You still have a Razer flip phone?

What do you mean, still? Just got? I would like to... On that very topic, I'd like to thank the literally dozens of people who have emailed, tweeted and posted in our forum about dipshits that wanted to seriously discuss the themes of The Matrix with them when The Matrix came out. Jordan and Colton Dunn denied that that was a thing. Many, many people have confirmed that to me. I think there was some misunderstanding.

I do not feel like dipshits who want to discuss The Matrix, they exist. I have come up face to face with them. But I think that I just think that The Matrix's popularity was because of its cool special effects and that maybe you got an unusually high sample of dipshits. Isn't it interesting that when you do see a movie and you feel like, oh, my God, the truth has been revealed. Yeah. And if like when V Vendetta came out, I was like, oh, all right, everyone's going to see this and we're going to know what the Bush administration did.

And then it just went away and no one cared. And people did see and think that. And then they just went on with their lives. Yeah. It turns out that art can't change the world. It doesn't do shit. Yeah. But I do want to thank those people.

I did not see Speed Racer. Someone told me that Speed Racer was Babe Pig in the City-like, which was an attempt, I think, to push my buttons. Sure. Why? Is that an issue with you? I really love the movie Babe Pig in the City. Yeah, it was a great movie. Thank you. Thank you very much.

It was about the Bush administration. Yes. Yes. It had some had some security themes in it. The Mickey Rooney was kind of a Karl Rove. Yeah, sure. Karl Roe and Nightmare Clown performing for children. Right. Girl orangutans. He just Mickey Rooney just called Ohio, by the way.

Yeah. The election has been settled. And I think he's holding on to that for a little too long, right? Yeah. And I think that while the person who told me that it was Babe Pig in the City-like thought that that would be the secret to getting me to watch it, actually that was the secret to getting me not to watch it. Because I know that if I'm trying to look at it in a Babe Pig in the City-like context, it can only disappoint and anger me. Because I know that it's no Babe Pig in the City.

Look, did Gene Siskel say that Speed Racer was the best movie of the year, the year that it was released? No, but he said that of Babe Pig in the City. He did? Yeah. And then he died. And then he died. There's a funny part where- Do you think he died of babe pig in the city poisoning?

I think so. He died of- Very toxic. He died of contrarianism. Ah. That's contrarian disease. There's a funny- When John Goodman is fighting the ninja, he's like spitting him around over his head.

And all the ninja stars are flying out everywhere. And then the ninja's keys fly out. A ninja with keys. I know. That ruins every illusion I ever had about ninjas. And there's like a car key and a house key on it. I thought that was a really funny detail. So yeah, I guess based on that, it's the greatest movie of all time.

Would you like to think that a ninja gets into his own house through some, like a sunroof? What's that called? Skylight. Yes. He just shatters through it every time he comes in, and then someone replaces the skylight while he's gone.

Yeah, or just maybe like Santa Claus through the, like maybe he'd break a few skylights, and you're like, this is expensive. Why don't I just go through the chimney? What if he's on a date? Do you think he goes in, he says, hold on just a second, and then he goes, hup, hup, you think he goes in, he says, hold on just a second. And then he goes, and jumps up on the ceiling, jumps down the thing and then opens up the door and has some flowers? Possibly. What if your ninja is a woman?

Oh, is that something? I don't think so. But I wanted to put that out there. Okay. Well, no, I'm striking a blow for equal rights. Equal work for equal pay. That's what I say. And that's what the lady ninja says. I was on a date once and I was bringing her home. And we got to her house and we found that she had locked her keys in. So she couldn't get in her house. She was locked out of her house.

So I did one of the most perilous things I've ever done. She had this balcony that she said was unlocked. So she pulled her car up next to the balcony. I stood on the roof of the car. Oh, bad idea. Hoisted myself. I know this is like way more dangerous a thing than I do normally. I have no upper body strength. What number date would you say this was? This is, this is maybe month and a half in.

And I'm going to offer two. Maybe it's not true because it's a month and a half in, but it could have been where she was like, I don't want to – I'm going to tell him I locked the keys in the house and then he'll go and then I'll get in. Like maybe she was lying. Oh, yeah. And then now you're risking your life. She's like, oh, my God. I hear what you said. It was her idea for me to climb up.

Okay. She suggested it. It seemed like a test to me a little bit. Oh, no. It seemed like a little bit of a, you know, what kind of a man are you? Right, right, right. Well, you go out mostly. We should explain to Lori.

Jordan mostly goes out with girls who are looking for a man's man type. Right. A sort of – And I give off that vibe and I think they just need me to confirm it. Yeah. I mean it's because you can't – you're not supposed to wear the t-shirts from the fire company since you've left firefighting. Right. But yeah.

So women are looking for that kind of a force. I'm supposed to wear my ultimate fighting t-shirts because that's what I've transitioned into. Full time. Yeah. But you still do some firefighting on the side on an as-needed basis. Yeah, I mean sometimes they're shorthanded or it's a particularly intense backdraft. Sometimes you're in Newark hanging out with the mayor. I'm safe with you.

From fires or ultimate fighters. Everything else, you're fucked. I guess that's what a girl really wants is to know that she's safe with a guy. Yeah. And so she wanted you to prove it. So yeah. So she pulled up her car. She had like a Honda Element. And I...

It's a pretty tall car. Right. And that's kind of it worked for this. Oh yeah, it's boxy. So I stood on the car and I jumped up and grabbed the balcony and foisted myself up. Wait, did you have to do like a full-on pull-up? Yeah, full pull-up. Where you lift your legs above where your hands started? Yes. Holy shit.

I don't think I could even do that. Yeah. The door was locked. So I'm up here, and there's a window with a screen that's open a little bit. So I punched out the screen and kind of, you know, wriggled my way into this window and opened the door. She dumped me like two days later. Oh, no. Doesn't that seem like bullshit?

Doesn't that seem like that should have bought me at least another like month? Maybe it bought you two more days. Yeah, maybe it did. Maybe she was. Maybe she was – Maybe that was it. She's like, oh, I'm going to dump him when he drops me off. But I need somebody to get my keys. That's right.

I feel like a real chump now. Oh, jeez Louise. Anyway. You might have got one or two additional sex acts. So I don't think it was a bad thing at the end of the day. Sure, sure. Do you think she had like a hangout with her – you know how girls i think all hang out together sitting cross-legged and holding cups of coffee and tea with both hands and then they talk about boys confirm that

happens okay great do you think that they had a discussion that you hold the warm mug with two where where she by consensus of her this is called a council of elders. Is that correct? She did hang out with a lot of elderly women. A lot of beloved women. Her group of five got together in Davos, Switzerland. And they had a discussion about how many days you had bought by doing this elaborate cat burglar maneuver on her behalf. And they came up with two days. Yeah. But it's not like those two days, like those were just two days where we didn't see each other.

It wasn't like two, you know, it wasn't like two. It wasn't two like nonstop fuck fest. Right, yeah. It wasn't like we locked ourselves, you know. In a cabin. Sure. With a jug of lube. I think you would not be out of line to request another day or two, like to call her up now and say you've met with your guy friends and they feel like you cut it off one or two sex acts early.

Yeah. I should say hi. It's been a long time. It's Jordan. I just got back from the Bohemian Grove. Right. Karl Rove and I were chatting. You could foist yourself onto her balcony tonight.

Now you know how to get in. Oh, yeah. So you're saying I should break into her house and demand sex acts. Yeah. For two days. Now you're making it sound like a rave. Should he wear his ultimate fighting t-shirt when he breaks in? No.

Again, this is all your idea. Yeah. Oh, I know. And so I'll sign off on it. Okay. Thank you. It has a girl approval. Right.

So just break into her house, wear the Ultimate Fighting t-shirt, let her know the comedian Laurie Kilmartin, woman and mother, says that it's okay. And present the jug of lube. That's how a lot of love happens, especially in the Middle East. Yeah. Right. Do the ceremonial presentation of the jug of lube. That's how a lot of love happens, especially in the Middle East. Do the ceremonial presentation of the jug. Remember to use the usted form when addressing

her. I don't want to disrespect the jug. Consent is interpretive. That's what I always tell guys. Yeah, like dance. Modern dance. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Laurie Kilmartin. You can make up a name if you want. I mean, you could be Laurie Kilmartin's shitty mom because it's the name of your book. I'll be Margaret Miller, ghost butt. No, don't be a reference to something we discussed in the break. That's the most inside reference ever, guys. Okay.

Wait, wait. Can I add one more thing about Speed Racer real quick? It's important. Susan Sarandon is really hot in it to the point where it made me uncomfortable. She's in all these, like, 50s housewife dresses. She looks great. Anyways, I had spent my entire life not being attracted to Susan Sarandon, and now I am, and it's weird. Yeah.

If you want to be hot in your old – like, you have to be Susan Sarandon hot to pull off 60 and bang in a 35-year-old. That's almost impossible for the average woman. That's what's too bad. I mean, you know, I think if – You guys aren't bummed about that at all, but – I mean, I just think they should get more kind of hyper-stylized 50s housewife dresses and I think they'll be fine. Oh, really? I think that's the secret.

50s housewife dresses and I think they'll be fine. Oh, really? I think that's the secret. Yeah, she's in like all, you know, this kind of like, you know, reimagined by a gay man

on speed June Cleaver dresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds super hot. Like as you're describing Susan Sarandon in those dresses. Yeah.

I'm feeling... God, maybe I loved Speed Racer. I know. Maybe it's the greatest... I haven't heard a bad thing about it from you. Your face glows. Yeah. You're actually, you look happier talking about Speed Racer than the know. I haven't heard a bad thing about it from you. Your face glows.

Yeah. You're actually, you look happier talking about Speed Racer than the girl you dated. Yeah. Well, Speed Racer didn't fucking dump me after I performed an amazing feat of strength that could have gotten me killed. Well, you're right. Well, fine. Racer X did, though.

Racer X did. Who played Trixie? Oh, gosh. Big Eyes. She was in the Addams Family. She was Wednesday. Oh, Christina Ricci? Yeah.

Okay. She needs to lose a few pounds. Yeah, her eyes would look normal if she gained a little bit of weight. Have you seen her in the 2010s? I saw her in the movie. She's as thin as a rail. She lost weight in her eyes. That's why they're so big. I can see in the movie. She is as thin as a rail. She lost weight in her eyes. That's why they're so big.

I can see her eye bones. Her sockets are slimming down. It's not good. Okay. Speaking of Margaret Miller, I would like to thank her for sending a book for my young son, My First Ghost. She said that he doesn't have to read it now. So he's a little young for a ghost themed book he's a little young for any book where you can

grab the pages and crinkle them oh yeah yeah yeah they've got to be cardboard yeah he's not quite to that point he's getting there I also want to thank Amy another listener sent another book for Simon about trash it's about a trash man and I can't

begin to tell you how much Simon. Simon does not like this ghost book. He's not ready for it. But this trash book. Simon, what kind of child do you have, Lori? Mine is Mexican. No, I have a boy. Yeah.

Sounds like he's got quite a temper. Already. Jordan. No way I wanted in on the racist joke. Does he have a signature pasta sauce? Am I doing this correctly? No, he doesn't. He has a taco sauce.

Lori, did he ever go through a period where he had an abiding interest in trash and the trash can? No, that is your son alone. Okay. And I'm sorry, there's no comfort in numbers here. I've never heard of that in my life. Someone told me that their son had gone through a period where he was really into the recycling can. But I will say that my son goes, he's 15 months old. He points, if you take him for a walk, like if I put him in the baby carrier and take him for a walk.

He still fits in a baby carrier? Yeah if I put him in the baby carrier and take him for a walk. He still fits in a baby carrier? Yeah. I put him in a baby carrier. It's an ergo baby carrier. So you can fit a pretty big, I think you can even fit a fair-sized toddler if you put it on your back. Yeah. But when we go around for a walk, he points at cars and trucks and he says, Yeah.

But the main thing he does. You uck and caw. Yeah. But the main thing he does. You tell him that's wrong. Yeah. I correct him. You should correct him. I correct him. The main thing he does is point at trash cans and trash on the street and go, ash, ash, ash, ash. And he loves, oh, it is like pure joy.

It is as though he has been administered a happy drug. If I allow him to take a piece of trash and bring it to the trash can and put it inside the trash can. Oh, nice. That's good. I was assuming where you were going with this was he likes to dump over the trash can. No, not at all. He likes to put things into things. Oh, okay.

Oh, that's trouble. We'll deal with that when there's teenage years. Oh, there's better ways to get AIDS, trust me. He is sometimes overenthusiastic. My wife has a favorite pair of shoes, and we

believe that he may have thrown away one of the shoes. Oh, no. So we had to order a replacement. I had to call the Aeromachosin Company to order a replacement pair of shoes because we're pretty sure that he threw one of the shoes away. But this story is about trash. Yeah.

And a trash man, it goes, dump it in, smash it down, drive around the trashy town. And he loves this book around the trashy town. And he loves this book about the trashy town. That's a nice little rhyme. Right? It's fun. It's fun. It's sexy.

Sounds pretty sexy. You know what I mean? Trash is sexy. Oh, here's something I was curious about recently. As kid havers, I was wondering, are those kind of classic little kid books still in play the good night moons the polar expresses there's so much competition yeah like i don't know what i don't know what the classics are necessarily because they all just look moby dick yeah the taming of the shrew sure native son of course course. The bluest eye. Sure, sure. Oh, my gosh.

You want your kid to learn about battle royale early. Sure. But, yeah, I guess I think of those, you know, the Where the Wild Things Are. No, in fact, that's on my list. I got to get that before he's too old for it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I kind of backed it. I just got whatever was, just read what was given to me.

Okay. But I. So mostly tracts. Trash, actually. of backed it. I just got whatever was – I just read what was given to me. Okay. But I – So mostly tracts. Trash, actually. Oh, trash. Yes. We read your right shoe. I would mostly just track.

I figured that you'd just be reading the Watchtower magazine to him. Like whatever people brought to your door. The Ralph's ads. Sure. He knows grapes are on sale. The Ralph's ads. Sure. He knows grapes are on sale.

Yeah. I have missed a few classics that I feel guilty about now that he might be too old for. Like an In the Night Kitchen maybe? In the Night Kitchen? What's that? It's also by Maury Sendak, the author of – I totally missed Sendak. So, yeah, I'll have to do that pretty well. Did you grow up without books yourself?

I'm not a – yeah, I didn't. But I don't – I only remember my dad reading the Bible to me. But he read the Children's Bible, which was, like, fun. You know, there wasn't a lot of incest. And, you know, it was just people turning into salt and heads on plates. So it was fun. And lions and all that stuff. It had the full, like, historical violence parts of the Bible.

Those were present. Minus the sex. It wasn't just different nice things that Jesus did. No, I don't remember any. I only remember the Old Testament shit, and it was crazy. Well, I mean, if both of them are in there, the one you're going to remember is the Old Testament. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. That was my favorite.

And they walked into a fire, like a furnace, and somehow they survived. There's way more excitement in the Old Testament or Hebrew Bible than there is in the New Testament. I mean, the New Testament, there's some miracles, but, you know, I mean, it's mostly just a guy. Revelations has its moments. Yeah, but really, you're going to want to go to the Hebrew Bible if you're looking for juicy. Yeah, because Jesus... If you're looking for talking donkey.

Jesus was just... And I am. You could kind of count on him to rescue you, but the Old Testament, you'd have to please God in some way that... And it was different

every single time, so there was no way to know how to please him exactly and cross your fingers. So you never knew how it was going to turn out. You had just bought God some shellfish, and then you found out he's not into that anymore. I'm like, oh, he didn't tell me.

You're like, these are oysters. These are fresh oysters. Do you have any idea how much these cost? I don't care. I'm killing your child. So God in this way is like a girlfriend who went to art school. You have no idea how to please her. She wants something different.

A woman you've dated. I like how you can put it in that box very quickly. Sure. We did get one more thing in the mailbox that I wanted to acknowledge. I opened this box. It was like a pretty big box addressed to us here at Max Fun World Headquarters. Was it Gwyneth Paltrow's head? I think people sometimes,

yes, sometimes people figure out that our address is on the website, which it is because, you know, publicists send us things and stuff like that, and, you know, sometimes listeners want to send us stuff. And then they'll send us something surprising. This is, I opened up this thing and I found a shoe box.

I thought, this is pretty heavy. What's in here? I opened it up. Well, it's a pair of shoes. Jesse bought these a year ago, wore them, and they didn't quite fit in the end. Figured you would know what to do with them. Yay, Max Fun, signed Bob. Bob just sent me a

pair of shoes that didn't fit him. And Bob, you don't have I mean, in your fashion blogging, you don't publicize your sizes. There's no way for Bob to know if the shoes would fit you. That would compromise your integrity. No. In fact, I mean, you have to assume that the odds are against

the shoes fitting me, right? Now, look. Here's the thing. These are quality shoes. We're looking here at an Allen Edmonds Park Avenue. This is a classic. They come in sleeves. I've never seen a shoe that has its own. That's pretty astonishing.

Anything from sort of mid-range dress shoes on up will come with those. So these are not from Target. No, these are not. These are Allen Edmonds Park Avenues. This is a classic cap toe. Looks like we got a combination heel on this. And this is a shoe that you can wear to

just about any serious occasion and can be resold. It's Goodyear welted. It's a high quality shoe. So I can see why he didn't want to just give them to the Salvation Army. Sure. However, it is unusual that he decided to send them to me, correct? And they don't fit you. No.

I wear, if anybody's wondering, I'm a size 12B. I've got a narrow heel. My forefoot is less narrow, but a B is usually okay. And a 12C. And frankly, if you really want to send me a particular pair of shoes, they only come in medium width, a 12D will probably work. And not to – if I wear an 11 and if anyone wants to send me shoes via your podcast. Do you have any preferred styles of shoes? Do you like a la bouton?

I like a low heel. You like a low heel you like a low heel like a kitten heel yeah yeah i do sure i've never heard a guy say kitten heel yeah um that's kind of thrilling yeah i don't mind a kitten heel yeah okay so jordan what size shoes do you wear oh don't send me any shoes weirdos jordan i am sincerely wondering what size shoes you wear now. Eight and a half. Eight and a half. Okay. Brian Fernandez, our producer, what size shoes do you wear?

This is an important question. Is that 10? Brian, I've got great news, my friend. Oh, my God. You just got yourself a pair of $350 shoes. Brian is excited. Look at Brian. Look how happy Brian is.

He's clapping for shoes. These are a 10D. We found a home for the shoes. We found a home for the shoes. Brian, look, job interviews. You're going to need one of those once I let you go. This is a great transition. Brian, you're fired.

Bob said you would know what to do. Yeah. I did it. I fucking did it. I fucking did it. Man, maybe Bob's a little more clever than we gave him credit for. Bring me your problems, ladies and gentlemen. I'm a solutioneer. You should hire Bob to replace Brian.

Okay. I have one more thing, one more prop that I brought in for this week's podcast. I would like for this, and I brought this in specifically. I've been thinking about it a lot over the last year. But since, Glory, since your book is about parenting, I thought I would bring it in this week. This is a product that has been immensely valuable to me as my child has grown up. And it has the best product name of any product ever. And so I would like this product to sponsor this show.

So if you're out there and you work for the folks that make this product, please give me the opportunity to say the name of this item more regularly on the show. I'm talking, of course, about Hot Kid Baby Mum Mum brand organic rice rusks. Wow. Can I see? That all sounds like Cockney rhyming slang. Well, if there was two of those things, then it wouldn't be pretty regular. Yeah.

I'm angry at this product. It does not deserve the packaging. Can I see the command? Hot Kid Baby Mum Mum Organic Rice Rusks? Right. Is that what we're talking about? I'm going to try and say it, see how it feels. Hot Kid Baby Mum Mum Organic Rice Rusks.

It's pretty fun, right? I don't know. I guess I feel like a, I guess when I say it, I feel like a cartoon grandpa. Right. That's what we are, Jordan. That's the whole premise of our show. I think that a child actually produced that in a factory in China. That's true.

Yes, for their own kind. A hot child. A very hot child. Show me a child who isn't hot. High five, right, guys? Wait, I feel alone. It says a warning on it. Babies should be supervised while feeding. Babies should just be supervised.

Yeah. They should just have that sentence. That's where the sentence ends. Look after your baby. Later, Gator. I got a date. That's what I say to my babies. Does Simon enjoy these?

Simon loves these. What a rice rusk is, is babies, when they don't have chewing teeth, need foods that they can dissolve in their mouth so they don't choke. And there's only a few things that you can actually just sort of give them because they'll get a piece off, but it'll be too big and then they'll choke and die. So either you give them little tiny pieces of food, which is still sort of where we're at with Simon, or you give them, you know, purees, right? You know, like baby food jars. So this is like the solid food that you can give to an older baby that's just starting to eat solid food because they sort of gnaw on it. And it evaporates in their mouth. Not evaporates. It sort of melts when it gets wet.

I'll tell you, it doesn't taste bad. You know, another thing you could do is just give a baby a sandwich and say, grow some fucking teeth. Right. That's how I did it. My son grew it very quickly. That's a chapter in Lori's book. Yes. It's called Grow Some Fucking Teeth, chapter 22.

Grow some fucking teeth. That's a chapter in Laurie's book. It's called Gross and Fucking Teeth, chapter 22. Gross and Fucking Teeth. But, you know, I mean, if you're – look, I'll say this. We're not yet being paid by these folks. No. The good people at Hot Kid. But I'll say this. Ladies, gentlemen, if you have a small child at home who has the ability to eat food but not enough teeth to chew it. Why not try Hot Kid brand Baby Mum Mums, the best organic rice rusks money can buy.

They come individually packaged, two to a package, to guard against staleness. They taste like a lightly flavored fortune cookie, and your child will love the banality of that flavor. Will slide smoothly up the butt. Also, is that part of your way? Jordan. I wanted to. Jordan. Yeah.

No. If you can say the name of the product, you're sober enough to care for your child then. Yes. It's a good. It's a field sobriety test. If you're on the bubble all the time, yeah, it's a field sobriety test. If you're on the bubble all the time, it's a good way to test yourself. Hot kid brand

mum bum. Get a sitter. You gotta bring somebody in, call mom. Too drunk. Call Gamma. Get her in here. Gamma, I can't say the mice rusk. Come by and help out.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you the product? Oh, you could be the product if you want to. You could be the hot kid. I'll be the Angelique of the studio. Oh, excellent. And I'll be the Tommy Lasorda. Wait, what's another Los Angeles legend that I can be? All I can think of is Dodgers. I mean, I could be Fernando Valenzuela, but that kind of

feels like it's the same as being Tommy Lasorda. It feels like it should be some kind of porn star. James Worthy? Can I be James Worthy? Is he a porn star? The Lakers legend who wore the sport goggles? Oh, sure. Yeah, that's great. Yeah.

That's fun, right? Yeah. Can I be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? John Wooden. Oh, I know what I can be. What? Magic Johnson's TGI Fridays. Oh, yeah.

There you go. He has a TGI Fridays? Yeah, down by the airport. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's a TGI Fridays, but above it, it says Magic Johnson's TGI Fridays? Yeah, down by the airport. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's a TGI Fridays, but above it, it says Magic Johnson's TGI Fridays. You know what? I lived in Harlem for a long time, and he has the theaters there.

Oh. You got to see a movie at Magic Johnson Theater. Is it a colorful experience? That's very racist. Is it? No. I just heard the word color. I got excited for a second.

I thought you were going off the rails. You're just waiting for this to get racist. Yes. Basically. I know. I thought you were going off the rails. You're just waiting for this to get racist. Yes! I know. I've been here three segments. I know. When are you gonna get racist? Exactly. So, yeah, it's fun. It's a lot of fun. I've been to the Magic Johnson

movie theaters here in Los Angeles several times. It was the closest movie theaters to my home in Koreatown. I always had a blast. Always had a good time. Don't necessarily want to go see an art film there. of times. I was the closest movie theaters to my home in Koreatown when I lived in Koreatown. Always had a blast. Always had a good time. Don't necessarily want to go see an art film there. There will be action in the theater. There will be activity. Yeah, you're paying for two shows. You're paying for the one on the screen and then the one in the audience. Yeah. You don't want to see that movie where Christopher Walken and Philip Seymour Hoffman

are in a string quartet. No. That will be playing. That is opening at the Film Forum in New York and here in Los Angeles at the Magic Johnson Theaters on Crenshaw. It's on a double bill with Paranormal Activity. I would like it if it was billed as a Spike Lee movie so people came in to the Magic Johnson expecting something. Oh, yeah. And got something completely different. I would like it if Spike Lee made that movie.

Yeah. That would be a fun movie for Spike Lee to make. Yeah, it's about time he explored the world of interpersonal relationships in string quartets. Sounds like something that he would bring a lot of flair to. Hey, let's thank our sponsor here on Jordan, Jesse Goh, Ask Metafilter. Let's just say that you're trying to figure out where to find Hot Kid brand baby mum mum organic rice rusks.

You're not fit to watch your child today. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Simon. There was a hiccup there. I did take my migraine medication earlier, so that may be starting to kick in right now. Let's say you're looking for a grocery store that carries Hot Kid Baby Mum Mum brand organic rice rusks. Go on, ask Metafilter. Ask them.

They'll tell you. They'll even probably tell you how to find some conventionally grown rice rusks. You know what I mean? Yeah. Cover all the bases. In case you don't want the organic. In case you're not prepared to pony up for the organics. Precisely.

I love Metafilter. Sometimes I get stories for jokes. Oh, that's fantastic for the Conan O'Brien program. Yeah, I mean, it's not always topical stuff, you know, but sometimes when I can't look at HuffPow anymore. Yeah, because it's the worst. It's fucking horrible. They do grab a couple like their headlines sometimes tell you all you need to know for a monologue joke, you know? Right. But sometimes it's like

Yeah, I guess they are little setups. Yeah, they're like the New York Post. Exactly. And you do have to, they do have to be sort of broad enough so everyone understands it without reading an article. And that way HuffPo is helpful. And it's fun to imagine Ariana Huffington reading them to you. Well, again, sometimes you and I differ.

And you go down one road and I stay on the main road. But, yeah. That's just because you're racist against Greek Americans. That's part of my intro. You guys, you told the audience that, right? Oh, yeah. Author, stand-up comedian, racist against Greeks. Very targeted race.

Racism against everyone in Astoria, Queens. Yes. Yeah, you hate WNYC announcers, Soterios Johnson. Don't even say his name. Let's thank ask.metafilter.com. Nothing on the

Jumbotron this week. Here's one thing I want to mention about the Jumbotron because we've had some questions about this. We prefer not to share your political or cause-driven message on the Jumbotron. It's really for sort of personal – Nothing pro-Greek. Sorry, yogurt magnates. Sorry, yogurt magnets.

I know that we decided that rather than being arbitrary about what political and cause-driven messages we would share on the Jumbotron, we just say, we're not going to get involved in that. So apologies. We've had to turn down one or two recently for things, frankly, that I am very much in support of. But I'd rather just make a rule of none of it than try and set up more complicated rules, some of it, some of it. But if you want to wish somebody a happy birthday or plug your blog or something. Something that won't make us a lightning rod for criticism. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap.

It's easy. It's a super discount. I also want to make that clear. Like, our Jumbotron rate is a significant discount on what we would charge for actual advertising. It's just we want it to be fun for people. So go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron if you want to share your message on Jordan Jesse Go. We'll be back in just a second. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective laurie kilmartin polygamist really yeah i did not know that about a laurie kilmartin i'm single but i am a polygamist so wait do you have a lot of husbands or are you one of many wives? I'm bad at it.

Yeah, right. A failed polygamist. Yes, I'm not dating anyone and I've never been married, but polygamist nonetheless. Okay, so which would you prefer? Would you prefer a many wives situation or a many husbands situation? Yes, many wives. You want sister wives. Yes, I want a break.

Yes. I'm kind You want sister wives. Yes, I want a break, yes. I'm kind of a loner. Like, if I could have my guy on one night a week and then just be left alone, that would be great. I would be really okay with that. Even if you had to do, you had to churn some butter. Yeah, and we could churn butter while we're having, like, that could happen all at once.

So you're a butter fetishist. You're a dairy fetishist? I do have a machine that churns butter and my own butter at the same time. Oh, churns your butter. So it's dairy – the fetish is dairy-related. It's not Amish-related. Correct. Yes.

Okay. Yes. Well, I would just assume – So like raising a barn wouldn't do it for you. A Land O'Lakes lady would be my ideal sister. Correct. Yes. Well, I would just assume a barn wouldn't do it for you. A Land O'Lakes lady would be my ideal sister wife. Gotcha. Okay. Would you say that it's frontier themed at all?

Yeah, sure it's frontier themed. Your interests are frontier themed? Yes. I only have sex on pelts. Would making a sampler be something that you would be interested in? Needlework. Fine needlework. I did that as a former girl scout. I think that was one of my badges.

It was definitely quilting. And making a sampler was one. I think so. It was embroidery. Yeah, sure. If you're going to get into embroidery, you're going to have to start by making a sampler. Exactly. I've got the skills.

You've got to show you can make a flower. You can make all the letters of the alphabet. You know, you can make the date. You can make a picture of your farmhouse. Yes, and an inspirational saying. I know a lot about samplers from watching the Antiques Roadshow. That's how I know about samplers. Okay, so your son is a six-year-old boy.

Yeah. So he's in school now. Yes. It's like less, it's a little less crazy as I understand. No. It got worse. Really? It got worse.

How's that? I feel like I'm about to fall apart now. Really? Yeah. Now that he's in school. He's in school. Before I used to go to work, drop him off at daycare on the way to work and then we would leave the house at 8.25. Did he go to daycare right from the start?

Immediately. Right. Because you have a job to do. You got to bring home right from the start? Immediately. Right. Because you have a job to do. You got to bring home the bacon. That's right. I'm a bacon bringer. Right. Yes.

That's another one of your frontier activities. It is. It is. I kill babe, the cow. I eat the pig. And then make baby. You cured his meat. Yes, that's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was pretty easy. And then I would have a babysitter pick him up because I don't get out in time to pick him up. And now he got into a school that's a dual-language immersion. It's about a half hour away. What are the languages? It's just one. It's Spanish.

Okay. So it's a single-language, dual-language immersion school? Okay. So it's a single language, dual language in school? Well, the kids are half Spanish speakers and half English speakers. And so as the teacher starts out in full Spanish, she doesn't speak any English to them. So my son is completely bewildered and I think kind of frustrated. So that's an adjustment. He has homework already. Is the homework in Spanish? Yes. Can you help him with that? Do you speak Spanish?

No. Now, wait a minute. Because that was perfect pronunciation. I'm learning slowly. I can hear both the right side up exclamation point and the upside down exclamation point. That's six weeks of Pimblor right there. No. It's a lot of cutting things out and stuff like that. But it's just like shit I have to do at 730 at night when I get home and he has to go to bed in an hour.

It used to be just – You do his homework for him? I do. I do. It's easier that way. The kid does not even speak Spanish. He's not even my child. It's a lot more work and the expectations are higher behaviorally.

So I guess he was getting away with murder in his daycare and no one told me. And now he's loud. He sings all the time. And I get a lot of angry emails. He's a regular Bette Midler. He is. He's a little brassy. You don't want that.

So, yeah, it's actually a lot harder. And I'm having a tough time. Do you, do you, do you care for this child full time, seven days a week? I thought you, is this child your responsibility? Do you care for this child on occasion? Um, he's not. Are you fond of this child at all?

Um, he, he's with his dad, uh, Friday night to Sunday morning. Okay. So like today's my day off. Okay. Well, thank you for sharing it with us. Oh, please. You guys are – I feel like you're my grown sons. Especially you, Jordan, because you're stalking women in their balconies.

I feel like that's something my kid is about to do. Just like mom taught me. Here are some stalking techniques. Yes, yes, yes. So, okay. So it is actually more difficult now that he's in school. That terrifies me. It should.

Because I was expecting a letdown, too. I'm like, oh, now we're getting a groove. I figure that from 5 to 11 is just gravy. No. It's just all catch and taking the paddle boat out. Yeah, exactly. It's new kids and it's girls and they get crushes.

He does not have crushes at six. He does. Yes, he told me that Madison is so beautiful. She's so much more beautiful than this other girl. I'm like, no, don't be thinking girls are more beautiful than other girls yet. You should like them for their bodies. Exactly. That's what I want.

Are they keeping it tight? She does have a nice rack. Now that I think about it, I did have a crush on Shannon Moore in elementary school. Yeah. Now that I think about it. Yeah, boy. Yeah. So it gets harder. Is he a marauder at all? A pirate?

No, like does he just go run around pushing things and slamming into things? Some kids are like, some boys are like that, some are not. He's very physical, yes, yes. And I think I've always wrestled with him and stuff. You know, like, I'm physical too, so I have to now go, okay, you

can't do that with other kids. Shearing the sheep. No one told me at daycare he was doing that, you know? Shearing sheep? Yes. We go to a farm. We don't even know where he got the sheep. No one told me at daycare he was doing that, you know. Shearing sheep. Yes. We go to a farm. We don't even know where he got the sheep. That's the worst part.

We don't even know where his daycare is. Wow. That terrifies me. Yeah. I'm genuinely afraid. So I should just appreciate ages three and four when they're really, really cute. Yeah, sure. I mean, that's horrible, too.

They're all – it's all – for me, yeah, at age six, it can only get worse. They get worse in a different way. Like they stop shitting their pants. Right. But then they start beating people up. What's worse for me? What's the worst call to get, you know, while I'm writing Mitt Romney jokes? Have you had to leave?

Because one of the things about being a television comedy writer is that there is this basic assumption that you are available indefinitely at all times, right, to your work. Yeah, it's a little – it depends on the show. I think there's enough – the writers with kids and Conan has kids too. We all have the kids around the same age. I think people – it's a little more normal. Yeah, it seems like that stuff is dictated by the schedule of the boss you know the guy who's running the show if they're a crazy coked out workaholic yeah and everyone is kind of expected yeah yeah yeah and i i think like in new york when they were all like single guys

it was i know they went to like one in the morning and stuff like that um but here every you know we're usually done by 7.30 or something. You pretty much have wrapped up. You pretty much – you've lowered the expectations and ambitions of the program in the last couple of years. Am I understanding that correctly? Yeah. When I came in, everyone's like, oh, cool. We can leave early.

Time to coast. The girls here, she made it. Excellent. Yeah. Well, that's fun. I mean that sounds like a blast. Do you ever literally – Well, we's fun. I mean, that sounds like a blast. Do you ever laterally? Well, we get in a lot earlier, too.

Like, I think they used to get in at 11 in the morning or something. Some fantasy I can't comprehend anymore because I wake up at 6. That's crazy. Who starts work at 11 in the morning on a daily show? How's that possible? This is the mythology of the sketch team. Because you have to shoot it in the late afternoon, right? Yeah, but the monologue team probably got in a little bit earlier and left earlier.

The sketch guys were – their stuff isn't necessarily due that day. So they would come in and, from what I understand, just work all night and film stuff. And back then, too, they had to – they actually had to work with actual film for a while to piece things together. It wasn't like editing on Avid or anything. So it was a lot more time consuming. They were cutting with razors and that kind of thing. Yeah, they were actually. Yeah, yeah.

Woody Allen would come in every so often and check on their progress. Sometimes Gene Dumanian. Yeah. It was – Gotcha. Peter Bogdanovich. Martin Scorsese would make sure it was all preserved. Yes.

Right. Yeah. So what – does your son have any conception of what you do for a living? No. I don't know. I don't know. I told him I'm a funny person and I tell jokes and I write jokes. But I don't think he knows what that means.

You still do stand-up regularly as well, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how do you do that? Well, I do everything badly. If you just lower your standard. That's not true because you're a great stand-up comedian. I'm like at Flappers this weekend in Claremont. And because my kid has had these behavioral issues, I've been staying home a little bit more at night and making sure, you know, just having a lot more contact with them.

And I feel like I'm rusty. And like last night, the first show, I was like stumbling on jokes. I know backwards and forwards, and I was so mad at myself. So I feel like new material is slow going and things just move slower, I guess. There's this point. I know that this happened to me when my son was born. I had gone into it with this idea that there's a way to do this because people do do it. So I figured I'm at least as competent as most people. And I will be able to

feel it. I know my wife is exceedingly competent at everything she does and is very caring as well. All right, Jesse. You're going to get some. So I thought that we could – She listens to the podcast to decide whether or not they have sex. Right. And some men climb up balconies. Sure.

Some men record a flattering podcast. Oh, by the way, Brian, can you remind me to get a jug of lube on the way home? Thank you. Yeah. It's exceedingly competent, does it, in the Thorne household. And I thought that that would be enough. And I just thought, well, there just has to be some way that this works. Right.

And my life fell apart. Mine too. It is still a shambles. Yes. I have no fucking clue about anything coming or going. I'm like. I can't catch your breath. Yeah.

I have no idea about. It'll be over. And I am like, not even can I not catch my breath. Like, I'm not even on top of the stuff that I'm doing when I'm doing things. So I have no fucking clue what's going on at all. And I think, why would we have children? Why would people have children? And I think my son is awesome. I think he's great. I love my son too. I constantly feel bewildered. I'm just not caught up and I don't understand

what's happening. And the moments I do get caught up, I'm flooded with new things and information and things I'm behind on and things I fucked up. And yeah, it just never goes away. And I'm always tinkering with my schedule to try and figure out how to do things a little bit more efficiently because I forget my kid's lunch all the time. And he eats lunch every day. You'd think I'd have that down. And I don't. Because you eat lunch every day. I eat it four times a day. But I can't seem to get it. It is.

I mean, I have nothing but kind thoughts for what you're doing because I am like, it's just so overwhelming. And I think another thing that I think sometimes is my son happens to be outside of the occasional shoe discarding. It's actually like as far as kids go, he's got a very good attitude. He's a really sweet baby. He was a good baby. You know, I mean, it wasn't like an amazing,

sometimes you hear from somebody that's like, oh, I had an amazing, perfect baby that just did whatever I wanted and just slept all the time or whatever.

Not good. A lot. Yeah, not that, but like, but a very, like we never, we never had like

nightmarish issues that we couldn't address. Yeah. It was just that regular shit was way more than we could, like just normal good baby stuff. And so now I'm paralyzed by the thought

that either we'll have another child who isn't a good baby or Simon, my son, will at some point just be, like go through, have some sort of problem. And like, I'm like, i can't even deal with not problem yeah you know what i mean yeah like how will i deal with problem yeah you can't like maybe

he'll get super into juggling that would be a disability maybe he'll decide he wants to become a magician i what i've heard is that that that uh you know that kind of young childhood is tough for boys, but they become easier in their teen years. And it's kind of the opposite for girls. They start masturbating nonstop. Yeah. And they're stronger. Ruining everything with cum. Yes.

Is that why this room is soundproofed? I feel like there might be just cum behind soundproofing. Well, technically the cum is an element of the soundproofing. It does have a... Have you ever tried to shout through cum? You can't do it. You can't shout through cum. Not more than once.

Yeah. I think what maybe happens is that a teenage boy becomes insolent. But if he is not. Insulated. If he's not violent or pursuing a life of crime, he's just sort of dour. OK, I can handle dour. That's half the audience's, in contrast, wants to create an emotional narrative around her life that might not fit in with the emotional narrative you'd like to have around her life. I was a horrible teenage girl. I was so praying I wasn't going to have a daughter. What kind of activities did you get involved in, if I may ask?

It wasn't activities. It was a hatred of my mother. Oh, wow. No, it's all her fault, of course. Number one. Yeah, she brought it all on herself. She sounds like a real pill. But she slapped me and I slapped her back.

And I got taller than her and she got afraid of me. And then there was this weird thing of know, thing of my mom was like scared of me physically and I could feel and I'm like, this isn't what I meant, but don't don't slap me. And yeah, it was we had a really you've got a strong jaw and a steely gaze. I do. I'm Superman. But it was it was a tough teenagehood. So I deserve to have something horrible dropped on me.

But I I was a very teenagehood. So I deserve to have something horrible dropped on me. But I I was a very poor student. Yeah. But other than that, I didn't cause any trouble at all. But my parents, I think, had been so bad when they were teenagers that they didn't believe that I was not. They couldn't believe you weren't selling drugs. Yeah, they couldn't understand why I wasn't. Like my dad, as an adult, you know, I talked to my dad about his teenage years. He grew up, he spent his teenage years in Glendale, right near here.

And his parents were the, I mean, they were from, they're both from Kansas. My dad lived his elementary school years in Kansas City. My dad's from Topeka. Oh, there you go. Yeah, my grandparents were from Iola, Kansas. And they were the most white people on earth. Yeah. The most kind of, all of the good and bad parts of that.

Yeah. And it was like growing up in the 50s in Southern California and Kansas City and being super white and, you know, sending your kid out to the backyard to pick a switch. Oh, really? Yeah. So your dad did that to you? No, my grandfather did that to my dad. Okay. And. My mom has cut a switch stories too? Yeah. So your dad did that to you? No, my grandfather did that to my dad. Okay. And –

My mom has cut a switch stories too. Yeah. It's really – I don't even know what a switch looks like. I've only heard about it. It's a stick that will whip. But, you know, like – On a fresh sapling.

It's just little pieces of bark on our tree. Like you must have to get a switch tree. There's got to be a kind of tree that – You've got to get a switch tree. Yeah. Well, I think in the 50s, switch trees were a lot more popular because in new developments, they would put switch trees in. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's nice that our parents got to have that, like, 60s free-to-be-you-and-me stuff and that it seems like that it seems like that switch cutting took

a huge dive between our parents and us yeah my my dad apparently is spent his high school years my dad was an honor student and uh student government president student class president or something and president of the student court and apparently he spent a significant portion of his childhood years doing speed, you know, like the Johnny Cash type. This is in like 1957 or 1958. Yeah. And stealing his parents' car and driving from Glendale to the beach, like to Venice or something, you know, which at the time is, you know, that's a long drive in a 1952 Oldsmobile or whatever.

And staying up all night and then just, I'm like, it took work to be, it's not like my parents were teenagers in 1969. They were teenagers in 1958. Yeah. Where it took real focus to be a genuine juvenile delinquent. To get drugs. It seems like it would be hard to get drugs. It would be hard to get drugs, right?

Because there's no Armenians in Glendale at that time. Yeah. There's no Armenians. Armenians are not. It's easy now. That's racist. What you do is you just find a domino game. You sit down.

So, yeah, I mean, my parents were always sort of confused that, I mean, granted, I was a legitimately terrible student. I had no interest in doing well in class at all. But I went to school. I wasn't like a big class cutter until when I was allowed to my senior year. Why were you a bad student? Because you're smart.

I didn't do my homework ever. Did you not like doing homework? No. Yeah. Doesn't that seem weird? Saying it out loud, not like doing homework? It seems crazy.

It does seem kind of crazy, though. But my mom... I mean, it's something you do. It does seem kind of crazy, though. But my mom, my. I mean, it's something you do. Like, it just seems like that's part of your job. Like you would not do your homework for the show. Right. I know. Isn't that strange?

But I thought my homework was stupid and pointless, which to be fair, it kind of was. You were an early nihilist. Well, that's the thing. Like my wife told me that she always just did her homework. Yeah. And that was not in the cards for me. As soon as homework came in, like I got homework in elementary school, but I could always just do it like while they were passing it around. Yeah.

Right, right. Until about sixth grade. And then when the homework became real, I just stopped doing it. See, okay. That's the problem is you're smart enough to get away with doing it at the last minute. So you never learned how to pace yourself and do it the night before. Oh, I never did anything like that. So you never learned how to study and all that kind of stuff because you could do it at the last second.

I still don't know how to do those things. Yeah, that's not good. So you should, if you had been born a little bit dumber, then you would have had to work early on to get like an A. Or if I had just taken a blow to the head or something. That could still happen. Do you think that, that might be good for my business career. I am a business, I am a businessman now. That could be your ninth podcast, a blow to the head.

It's just every week you have something dropped on your head or you take a slug. This sounds like a video podcast. This sounds like one of those things where they blow stuff up in slow motion or something. Every week it's a different blow. Or those Mentos in Diet Coke guys. Yes. Every week it's a different blow to the head. Try and read the name of that cracker.

The whole thing lasts about 45 seconds. And your child is taken from you. Yeah, and then at the end of every episode. We run it back in super slow-mo. Yeah, I like it. You know what's great? Hmm? Super slow-mo. No, super slow-mo is the best. Have you guys seen the super slow-mo we do on Cone? Yes.

I was about to say. It's great. Every time. Every single time. It's great. They do super slow-mo on the World Series this year. And you would think that super slow-mo, like that baseball would not benefit that much from super slow-mo because it's not really an action-oriented sport. Right. No. It was awesome. Yeah.

Like every innovation they've ever added to a baseball television broadcast has not been useful until super slow-mo. Well, what about the crawl where they show people tweeting about the game? That adds to it. What about the cameras in the bases, which is a real thing they had for a while? Let me ask you this. All innovation seems to come from porn, technologically. Right. So is there super slow-mo porn that I have not seen yet?

Well, I think the problem with super slow-mo porn would be achieving orgasm. Why? Because you would want to be matching, right? No, I mean, you just shoot it. No, you shoot it in super slow-mo, but. Right. But then you masturbate at stave of speed. We're talking about the whole masturbator.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you synchronize your romance. Do you know what pornography is for? Well, yeah, but you don't have to. It's a fun little love story. You don't have to sync

up with the actor. No, but I think you would get in a slow mood. Yeah. All right. You wouldn't get the appropriate furiousness

of input. Well, that's why the slow motion porn, the soundtrack is all Ride of the Valkyries. That's actually, yeah. That's more of a female thing would be slow porn. Jordan, are you just masturbating to Apocalypse Now again?

Yes. It's a great film. Have you seen the director's cut? There's 45 more minutes of masturbation you can do. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. and I'm Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Maury Kilmartin. I'm going to make a mistake. Wait, no, don't. You're not going to make a mistake. Just because we had to restart this segment three times because Brian Fernandez, our our producer kept making a mistake and technically each time we restarted it you did a bad job of picking a nickname yes i my recommendation to you all right um and i want to get this on on tape for posterity is that your nickname if it were Shitty Mom, that would allow me the opportunity to mention the fact that your book, Shitty Mom, is both a Los Angeles and New York Times bestseller. Thank you.

Which is no small feat. Can I caveat? Well, first of all, Shitty Mom was how it was referred to in the court documents. Okay. It was in custody. No, it was a New York Times bestseller for a week. It went off. Still counts.

It does count, but it's like, oh, come on, man. Like, you know. You'd like it to sell better is what you're saying. Yes! Well, had you been on Jordan Jesse Go back then? No, I hadn't. So you hadn't gotten the JJ Go bump. We move books.

By which I mean the JJ Go baby bump. We're showing. I'm going to get pregnant, and one of you guys are going to be the dad. All right, cool. You just have to rub yourself on our semen wall. Done. That's how pregnancy happens, from what I understand. You know, guys, that would truly be a momentous occasion.

And when something momentous happens to you in our audience, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN, and let us know about it. Brian Fernandez, let's run that first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. that first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. You were discussing the fuck fest relative to subcultural community, and your guest Colton mentioned that Civil War reenacting probably had one, but with somewhat derision. But as a former Civil War reenactor, I can attest to a high level of Civil War fuckfests, specifically happening during the Civil War reenactments in the

evening once the public has left. I can attest to seeing a few of them, as well as seeing an elderly gentleman in his 60s get really, really drunk and fuck a horse. That's classic. What?

You guys, Generalerman did that on the way to atlanta that's a known fact fuck a horse he really held on to that trump card yeah jeez we i okay mean the whole time i'm thinking that what's notable about this is that there's not that many ladies at Civil War reenactments and also that Civil War reenactors are not the kind of pictures of guys that you picture, imagine being in man-on-man fuckfest bacchanalias. Lori, for your benefit, on the last show we were talking about which subcult. Oh, I think I figured out why. I put two and two together we wanted to find out yeah we wanted to find out what was the most suitable for getting involved in a fuck fest with the least amount of embarrassing you know like we figured it like sure you can go to the anime, the porn anime conference.

Right. Hacky. Yeah. And it'll be a fuckfest. Sure. You can go to the Ren Fair. Right. And it'll be a fuckfest.

But those are also embarrassing things to get yourself involved in that you don't necessarily want to get involved in. How about just, I think, Burbank PTA. Yes. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. You're there under the guise of, you know, we want to make things better for kids. The school's better. Right.

Just a group of people. That's perfect because you're talking about, you're talking about, you're going to have a relatively high number of people that are looking after their figures. Yes. You know, people who are working in the entertainment industry. Their looks are part of their business. And because they've chosen that as their career, their relationships are unstable. They're more likely to be divorced or single.

That's right. Here's a good segue. Yeah. You're at the PTA meeting. You're like, hey, I hear that kids are trying ecstasy at a younger and younger age. We should know about this so we know when our kids are on ecstasy, you pull out a giant bag of ecstasy. Right. And it just goes down right there in the cafeteria.

Can I offer an idea? Sure. What if you say – Guys, I've never been more open in my life. I've heard that in the books of Judy Bloom, there's a description of the male member. Here's what one looks like. And then you take out your dog. Oh, okay. Yeah. The old Bloom segue. A classic Bloom segue. You've read about it in Plato's books, Socrates' books on rhetoric. But only now are you learning how to implement it at your parent-teacher association meetings.

Yeah, I mean, have you met – you haven't met your parents yet, like the group of parents you're going to be trudging through school with for the next six years. No, I have not met any parents because Simon is not yet in daycare. That's actually – we're looking forward to knowing some parents. Yeah, you should actually, you know, fuck the school's scores. You really need to know what the parents look like. Right. And are they your type? Right.

And are they swingers? Are they interested in plural marriage? Yeah. Okay, great. Let's get back to this guy who fucked a horse because this should really be our priority. Number one, I'm really happy that they take seriously the part of the reenactment, which is that a bunch of sad soldiers who've been living in the trenches for years just end up fucking each other. Yeah. And also that if they're going to fuck anybody else, it's probably going to be a 19th century prostitute reenactor. Yeah. I mean that actually is probably also an accurate reenactment of what happened in the Civil War. I'm a Confederate lieutenant in the reenactment.

Oh, I'm a camp town lady. You know? I'm a horse. You know, I'm thinking back to I went to a Civil War reenactment last year and did see more women than I expected to. Like that whole, you know, Southern Belle. Well, once you bring in a horse, of course. Now, was the horse being played by actors or just was a horse playing a horse? Oh, maybe it was two men in a horse outfit.

Exactly, because that changes. Was it a Catherine the Great reenactment? She's the one who died fucking a horse? She did. That's a rumor. So which war is it? Is it the—well, I guess Catherine didn't preside over any sort of war in Russia. Here's the thing.

Damn. Number one, I think that Civil War reenactment is maybe a marginal improvement over Renaissance Fair. Yeah. But we've still got a long way to go to find something. Because not everyone can... You can't just sign up for the PTA. You have to have a child in the school.

Well, how about... As I understand it. ...Vietnamese War reenactment. No, that is not a Vietnamese war reenactment? No, that is not a type of reenactment. No? That is not a type. It was a pretty sexy war, guys. It was.

A lot of running naked down the street. As a guy who's jacked off to apocalypse now. Let's take one more call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Lita from Minnesota. I work at a private wealth management company in Minneapolis. And one of our new clients, an older gentleman, is named Mr. Richard Tickler. And he requested that we call him Dick. We were to call him Mr. Dick Tickler. Yeah, that's right.

Thanks, guys. Wealth management is an amazing industry. You know, I was in Princeton, New Jersey, and I was thinking that you know that you're in a place filled with, what's the word, dick bags, when you're on the main street and there are multiple wealth management storefronts. Right. storefronts. I was in somewhere on the California coast in Orange County with my wife overnight. And we had just sort of picked it at random and found a place to stay. And we went to the main drag and there was like two cafes and five wealth management storefronts. Well, only a rich person could request to be called Dick Hickler. Dick Tickler. His name is Dick Tickler. It's Tickler?

I think it was Dick Tickler. That tells me he just went from millionaire to billionaire in my head. Yeah. Because you have to be incredibly wealthy to pull that off. Yeah. Yeah, and it seems like it would be fun. That guy's thing could be he's so rich that he would insist people call him that. But then he would get mad at you if you laughed.

Yeah. Like it was kind of a. I think. Him challenging everyone around him. That's like great grandfather's name. Whoa. Sorry. You think Dick Tickler's.

Right. Exactly. I think there's one other. Who brought over the original slaves. Yes. Yes. Please don't disrespect the Commodore Tickler. I think that one. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three-year-old. Three, yes, yes. Please don't disrespect the Commodore Tickler. I think that one other –

Rear Admiral Tickler. Rear Admiral Tickler. I think that the one other group of people who could probably get away with asking that you call them Dick Tickler is a group of people that for lack of a better descriptor i would describe as alan coming like gay guys not just gay guys but gay guys that could legitimately bring off like dancing around yeah in a social context yeah super talented gay guys yeah but like also like pixie ish you know what i mean like a someone? Like someone who could bring a little magic to any gathering. But you're saying Alan Cumming because – But not Magic the Gathering. His last name is Cumming and you forget about that.

Oh, yeah. He's a talented actor, right? But also because he just seems fun. Like he could come in and be like, oh. You know what I mean? is a spot-on impression thank you thank you very much i think it captures his dignity yeah the legendary cummings uh dignity but you know what i mean like it could even be it wouldn't even have to be a gay guy like i think it would help obviously it would help if if it was a gay guy but i think it could also be just a slight man of any kind not of not a party animal but a life of the party

yeah the kind of guy that you would really the kind of guy who really kickstart things kickstarts things at a uh an ethnic wedding of some kind like a a wedding with its own Christian Orthodox tradition. So not a date rapist, but a guy who wants to date rape but knows it's wrong. No, a guy that everybody loves. But you love that guy. You love a date rapist? No, you like a date rapist with restraints. With restraint.

Who knows not to rape? He's like, I can't do it. You know, like maybe they did it once and they're haunted by it. He puts all of his... He puts all of his energy... She was asleep and I knew it! All of their energy goes into like

filling bathtubs with champagne. And trying to get you to say yes legitimately. Or like lifting people on chairs. Or climbing up balconies. Or singing or doing impromptu songs that everyone loves. Should I ask people to call me Dick Tickler? Jordan, I think if you were a little more musical and wayfishly thin. Sure. I can get to both those places. Pretty quick, I think. were a little more musical and wayfishly thin.

Sure. I can get to both those places pretty quick, I think. I think that you could be a dick tickler. Sure, a dick tickler. Yeah. Well, I'll just start doing speed, and while I'm up, I'll just practice my recorder. You know, our friend Tyler McNiven, who's been on the show a couple of times, I think he could be a dick tickler. Yeah.

No, that's a good point. And he's a heterosexual gentleman. I will say that maybe his propensity to wear a flowered shirt maybe puts him a little bit in the party animal category for me. Uh-huh. But it's a flowered shirt. He doesn't wear like a shirt with a dragon on it or something. That's true. He's the sweet kind. I'm talking about a sweet kind of party animal that could play a pan flute perhaps.

So a goat man. A half man, half goat. Yes. A satyr is what I'm talking about. You keep describing somebody that to you is sweet and to me sounds slightly monstrous. Tells me we've had different interactions. We're talking about a satyr. What we've decided is that we are literally describing a satyr because a satyr is both sweet and literally physically slightly monstrous. Great. Well, Sater,

Dick Tickler, we're in. And give us a call if you have a good idea for if you have a good idea or even better experience with a group that is a fuckfest that you think is a little bit more dignified to join than Civil War reenactors.

I mean, unless you're a horse fucker, in which case, go to town, you know? They cannot give consent. Do not. I mean, unless you're a horse fucker, in which case, go to town, you know? Do not. They cannot give consent. Do not. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan S. Segoe. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love We can help you along the way, but it's your book. All right. Fucking you plug it. We'll help you out.

It's a comedic parenting book called Shitty Mom. I think people are going to love this. I think this is going to be, you know what? This is great. What? It's a great baby shower gift. It is a great baby. It is really.

You know what I'm talking about? It's pretty cheap. They're like 10 bucks at Target, 11 bucks on Amazon. You know what? That's number one. It's pretty good. Number two, this is a great, fun Christmas gift. It is. Or Hanukkah.

Yeah. Because at Hanukkah, you're giving a series of smaller gifts. Tet? If you give out gifts for Tet. Is it called Tet? Yeah, right? Yeah, Tet. Yeah. Yeah, like the Tet Offensive. Jordan knows about this from his masturbations. Yeah.

Your Hanukkah masturbation? Right. Well, you know, my Vietnamese masturbation. His Vietnamese masturbation. Oh, yeah. Look, if you're celebrating Kwanzaa, this would be a great example of one of the values of Kwanzaa. Brian Fernandez, look up the values of Kwanzaa real fast so that we can find out which value of Kwanzaa this best exemplifies.

Did you just say that African Americans are shitty parents? No, I did not. No. I said that they make good pasta sauces. That is a,

if it's positive, it's not racist. We all know that. It's, come on, Brian, what are you doing? Have you found it yet? Listen, one of the, I know this.

He's watching a Civil War reenactor fuck a horse right now. One of the values of Kwanzaa is candles. One of them is socialist revolution. Yes. Come on, Brian. There's a certain, I think there's five days of Kwanzaa. I think it's family. And there's five values of Kwanzaa.

And then signified by candles. Unity. Self-determination. Self-determination. Nope. Collective work and responsibility. Collective work and responsibility, a.k.a. communism. Yeah.

No, that's not it. Cooperative economics. Cooperative economics, a.k.a. communism. Right. Nope, that's not it. Purpose. Purpose, uh-uh. Creativity. Creativity, yeah, sure. Faith. Faith, a.k.a. communism. Nope, that's not it. Purpose? Purpose, uh-uh. Well, that might be good.

Creativity? Creativity, yeah, sure. Faith? Faith, no. Okay, so it's a bad Kwanzaa gift. Bad, yeah. Every other holiday. You are re-releasing a new version with a red, black, and green cover that is perfect for Kwanzaa.

It really is. Lori, it has been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me. You can, of course, watch Lori Kim Martin's monologue jokes on The Conan Show. You can buy her book in bookstores. Let's say Target, Amazon.com. Yeah.

Barnes & Noble. And you can catch her at your local stand-up comedy club, especially if you're at a Flapper's. Trying to remember a joke I've done since 1984. Yeah. 206-9844 especially if you're at a flapper. Trying to remember a joke I've done since 1984. Yeah. 206-9844, phone our number, jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Our email address, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records. Hey, guess what? I'm going to drop a plug right here. Okay. We just released two live episodes of Judge John Hodgman. Yeah.

That we recorded in New York City. They are a blast. I think you should give them a listen. And guess what? We've got two studio episodes coming up. I was unavailable. I was busy interviewing celebrity super blogger Tavi Gevinson. And so

guess who filled in for me as guest bailiff? 30 Rock's Scott Adsit. Wow. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, ladies and gentlemen. This week on Judge John Hodgman. Okay. Brian Fernandez on the boards for Jordan Morris. I'm Jesse Thorne. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan

Desigo.