Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 253: Gasbagging with Sara Benincasa

Episode Date: December 3, 2012

Comedian Sara Benincasa joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Gordon Ramsay, trolling, Sara's bathtub talk show, and eating alone.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go. We're joined by the hilarious Sarah Benim Casa. And we talk about, well, let's just say, which beloved comedy figure has a lot going on downtown. Talking about his ween. Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I saw a rainbow on the way here. Hey, congratulations. Thank you. I mean, look. Do you make a wish on a rainbow? That's a falling star.

But I mean, nothing. I mean, that shouldn't stop you from wishing. I think you have to find the end of the rainbow and come on a leprechaun. Oh, okay. Is that correct? Yeah, I think so. Come – oh, no, no, no. The leprechaun comes on you.

No, Jordan. A leprechaun came on you once. Yeah. You were drunk. Right. As usual. And I got my wish and that was taxi money home. Jordan, you prostituted yourself to a leprechaun.

Right. It might have just been a guy wearing a green suit. Right. It was that guy who teaches you how to make money from government programs. Who's that guy? Matthew something. Yeah. With the question mark suit. He's crazy. He's that guy? Matthew something. Yeah. He's crazy.

He's got a question mark suit. Anyway, bigger dick than you would think. Really? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, he's a successful man. Probably the confidence to put on that question mark suit came from, you know, he's got something. A little being well done in the downtown department. Well done in the downtown department. Well done in the downtown department.

By the way, Jordan, I'm medium rare in the downtown department. Shall we introduce our guest? I think that's a good idea. Our guest is a comedian and stage performer, recently moved here to Los Angeles from New York City, where she once invited me to come on her web series, which is taped in her bath, Sarah Benincasa. Hello. How are you, Sarah?

I'm great. Thank you for having me on the program. I'm sorry that I didn't agree to come on your program, to be a guest on your program. Yeah, let's be specific. This is not the way that the leprechaun came. No, no. No, yeah. I'm Jordan.

I apologize. I usually make a habit of agreeing to go on people's programs when they ask me to go on their shows. And especially shows like yours that are legitimate and have audiences and people much more famous than I had been on in the past. However, I have to say I felt like I should run it by my wife and she gave it the nay-nay. That's understandable. I would do the same thing honestly if I were somebody's wife. If I were somebody's wife. Someone loved me.

Hey, Sarah. If you just want to run stuff by somebody, give me a call. Okay. And I can – I'll make you feel bad about stuff. I'll be like hubbo. So tell me – wait. So tell me – so this is in a bathtub. The show –

How nude and how much water are involved? So the show is called Getting Wet with Sarah Benincasa. Sure. And it is – Already I don't see why Teresa had a problem with it. She's a little bit of a prude. I can tell. It's me in a bathtub and I just wear – I mean I don't have a bikini body.

I wear – sometimes I wear a prom dress. Sometimes I wear some sort of suit, a vintage gown perhaps. And I sit in the bathtub and I interview people. So I've interviewed – I used to do it on Nerve.com and then it was called Tub Talk with Sarah B. And I interviewed John Mulaney and Reggie Watts and Jonathan Ames and different folks. But since it's just been this thing I do for fun on YouTube, I have interviewed Joe Boobs Weldon, a burlesque star. Margaret Cho, the comedian. Wait, so J-O, is that a lady? Joe, yes. Joe Boobs Weldon is a lady. Very much so. It could be a dude with boobs.

Of course. That could be a burlesque star. Absolutely. I once saw a burlesque where it was it had been sexy ladies for the whole night and then a sexy person got on stage in ladies outfits

and it was only until they took off the top that you saw that it was a fella. So everyone was confused. Did it give you a boner that made you question? No. I mean, the person in question was very thin. Mm-hmm. And I maybe wouldn't get necessarily turned on by a super thin female burlesque person.

Mm-hmm. Like a real elbow-y type situation? Yeah. Yeah. Wiry. Yeah, sure. A lot of meat on the bones. But, you know, I appreciate it. I don't know. Wiry. Maybe? Wiry. Yeah, sure. A lot of meat on the bones. But, you know, I appreciate it.

Wiry. Maybe not wiry. That sounds a little, you're starting to sound a little bit too much like a hungry cheetah. I was picturing eating the burlesque person. To be fair, I did run him down in the parking lot. Okay. So, yeah. So I didn't have a period of being turned on, but I appreciated the moves.

So what happened in the act? This person first? This person is kind of all done up to the point where you can't – it seems to be a woman. And then the top comes off and there's a rousing yell from the audience when you realize there was a fellow the whole time. That's the big reveal. Can I ask you a question about what happened after that? You may. Did the person then tell you how to get free money from the government?

They did. Yes, exactly. And, you know, one thing led to another and I got a sweet taxi voucher home. Matthew Lasko, by the way. Matthew Lillard. Matthew Lasko. Is that correct, Brian Fernandez? Have you been looking this up?

Jeez Louise, Brian. I gave you like five minutes to look this up. Obviously you should be looking this up. He's drunk. So Sarah, on your web show, you weren't trying to trick people into thinking you're nude. No, I'm not. That's not part of the game. In fact, I think it's funnier when people wear clothes.

Like I interviewed Neil Gaiman and his wife, the author Neil Gaiman and his wife, Amanda Palmer, who at the time was his girlfriend. And Neil was wearing a suit jacket that Amanda's then assistant had bought off a drunk man in a park in New York City for $5 at 2 in the morning because he thought it would be funny to wear a suit jacket and it was great and the guy needed cab fare exactly amanda was naked but amanda likes to be naked amanda palmer is a gal who is not shy about being naked she enjoys it it's her favorite she's one of these naked ladies i've heard she's a naked lady oh sure she's naked i think she would be naked all the time if she could you know i hear there's a place in france yes if they wanted to dance they could they could well, then Donald Glover did the show and Donald Glover was naked. But Donald Glover was naked because he had never seen it. He just – I just – a stranger. He didn't ask.

He assumed because it was in a bathtub. And a girl. I think he just was like, cool. I think I told him I was friends with his friend DC Pearson or something like that and just contacted him cold and was like, do you want to do this? And he said, yeah. And he didn't realize until the end of the program that he did not have to be naked. Oh, my. Wait, were you naked in that one? I was not. I was wearing clothing. At the beginning, he didn't think, oh, I could be wearing a prom dress? No, I think he just thought, oh, the shtick is that she wears clothes and the guests are naked.

I think that's what he assumed. And we had to do some creative positioning with various objects including a wooden Buddha statue that we placed strategically in front of his parts because we used bubbles. But as you stay in the bathtub, the bubbles shrink. They go away. Well, don't you just – We tried and he also sort of gathered the bubbles around his business. We tried and he also sort of gathered the bubbles around his business. But, you know, I mean, I think he is someone who is probably well done in that department. Sure.

And – He's been – they left it on the grill. Yeah. They left – there's a lot happening there. And I'm – maybe I caught a glimpse. And, you know, he's got to keep it in check and he had to be appropriate for YouTube. He has an athletic physique as well. Yes. He's a handsome gentleman.

I think when you're one of those comedy guys who also happens to be cut, like you're happy to do a goof where you take off your clothes. Yeah. Not a problem. It wasn't like, oh, look at the flabby guy with his top off. It was like, well, here's a hot guy with his top off. So chicks dig it. I did I think like three episodes with him. I mean, we all just won.

We just sat in the bathtub for a long time. But he was great. And I think those are all the folks I've sat with for the YouTube thing. And I wanted you to be one of them. But I completely understand that, you know. It wasn't, and I want to make this clear. Because, you know, there's folks in the MaxFun community who know my my wife and I don't want to besmirch my wife's reputation. She would have let me do it.

Had I insisted, she would have acquiesced. I asked her – I told her she could say no if she felt uncomfortable with it and that would be totally fine because at the end of the day, who's going to watch this? That's the honest truth. No one's going to watch it for me. Lord knows no one's watching it for Sarah Benincasa. Probably a lot of people are watching it for Sarah. There's a couple, but not many. Mostly it's for the guest.

So it honestly would have been the Max Fund community, I think, who we would have tried to draw in. Would have been the Max Fund community, I think, who we would have tried to draw in. If I had told her that I might get the chance to see Donald Glover's – Donald Glover. Little DG. I wonder if that would have changed the situation. I don't know. It seems like if you put a Buddha in front of a penis, you run the risk of accidentally rubbing the penis for good luck. That would be my concern.

I just felt really— With obstructing a penis with a Buddha. It helped me feel calmer about being in a tub with Donald Glover naked. Just having the Buddha there, I thought, you know what, Sarah? It's okay. Just take some deep breaths. The important thing is not to obscure the penis with a representation of the Prophet Muhammad. Right.

Because that can really cause problems. That's a good way to get your bathtub blown up. That would cause mass protests around the world. You should not represent the Prophet Muhammad. When I was interviewing Reggie Watts when I did Tub Talk on Nerve, which no longer exists, but the videos

aren't up anymore. Reggie Watts, by the way, I've seen this one, was naked and his business was obscured by his hair. The hair on his head. Well, we had Christmas lights. I really wanted to do it up because it's Reggie Watts. Like this is a man who puts on a show. We had Christmas lights.

We had Christmas lights. We had toasters. We had frayed wires. We had bath toys and my She-Ra dolls and all sorts of things out there. And we ordered a pizza into the bathtub and made the gentleman come up the stairs in this old Victorian brownstone that I lived in, this haunted brownstone in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. And we were splashing so much water over the electric lights that at one point they started to spark. And I was just like, I can't kill Reggie Watts for this web video, although that would make a great ending. Sure.

It's a great button. I mean, there's a whole category out there. I mean, comedian snuff web videos. A specific comedian beatboxer snuff film. Right. Yeah. Dave Hill has that show where – did you see this where he drops Dick Cavett off the top of a building?

I haven't seen it, but it sounds delightful. I mean it's for a very specific audience. But I mean that's what the web is. I mean it's finding a niche audience and zeroing in with content just for them. You got to focus and over-deliver. Right. And it's – if it's board game enthusiasts, you want to play Settlers of Catan. And if it's people who want to see comedians be electrocuted, you cater to them.

Absolutely. That's why I'm choking out Wil Wheaton right now. With your feet, with your prehensile feet. And you're doing a really elegant job. Oh, thank you. It's quiet. But back to your wife, I completely honor and appreciate her instinct. I mean I know that I would not be predatory in any way, but I also know this.

appreciate her instinct. I mean, I know that I would not be predatory in any way, but I also know this. If my gentleman caller attempted to, said to me, hey, Sarah, I'm going to go sit in a bathtub with a chick, you know, I would say, oh, no, that's a bad, that's just instinctively, I think your response probably ought to be no, gentleman caller or husband. I don't like that idea. I think if she'd been like, sure, go ahead. Do that all the time. Then you would have to ask questions like, what's going on in our relationship? She's just – I mean she's saving one up. I mean in case she ever wants to go sit in a bath with a web personality, she's got that on you.

I guess the only downside here is that I don't get to show America my physique. Yeah. I'm pretty yoked. I can tell. You are covered in egg yolk. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of MaximumFun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California.

So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, Max Fun Con West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to Max Fun Con before, get ready to reunite with your old friends. And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at MaxFunCon.com. So act fast. MaxFunCon pretty much always sells out. And we don't expect this year to be any different.

Remember, go to MaxFunCon.com. to be any different. Remember, go to MaxFunCon.com. Hey folks, this is Kevin Allison of the state and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. Risk is the latest addition to the roster of podcasts at Maximum Fun, and it is jam-packed with unforgettable stuff. Your favorite writers, comedians, even fans like you, share X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising Risk can be. Both radio-style stories and stories told at our live shows, you've heard people say, oh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at Risk, we say screw that. Anything goes. So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend. Look us up at MaximumFun.org

or Risk-Show.com. Or, of course, just go to Podcast at the iTunes Store and search for Risk. Risk! It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can I ask you about something very important? You may. Sarah. Oh, yes.

By the way, we didn't allow Sarah to introduce herself there. When I say we, I mean I. Sure. Should I do it? Yeah.

Hi, this is Sarah Benincasa, America's bean sprout. Bean sprout? Correct. What is this about? Well. You on a health kick? I am, actually.

I joined Weight Watchers. Oh. Yeah. And I mean, I'm not joined Weight Watchers. Oh. Yeah. And I mean, I'm not a heavy gal, but I weigh a bit more than I would like to. I don't need to be a stick. That's never going to happen. These hips and these boobs are not going to go away. If you want to turn Jordan on, you do not want to be a stick.

Exactly. And that's a goal of yours, right? Well, it is. That's one of the things they write up on the board in Weight Watchers. Sure. Right. If you want to turn on? Well, it is. That's one of the things they write up on the board in Weight Watchers. Sure. Right. If you want to turn on Jordan Morris, this is not the place for you. Yeah.

Head on down to Buffalo Wild Wings. Hang it out for a while. Pack a little junk into that trunk. Pack a little junk in the trunk. You know, I ordered wings the other day by myself at a bar. Yeah, I do that too. I do that. I do that.

I do that. Once a week? Once a week. Yeah, I do that too. I do that. I do that. I do that. Once a week? Once a week. Yeah. Where'd you get them from? I got them at a place called, let me think now, what is it called? It's called The York. It is in my new neighborhood of Highland Park, Los Angeles.

Yes. It is a neighborhood I was introduced to when I did Marc Maron's podcast. Ah, yes. And I just thought, wow, this is really, as my manager and I were driving around, I was like, this place is really neat. I wonder if I could live here too, which is so creepy to say. I'm sure Mark is like, weirdo. Like, it would be great if all of his guests just moved to his neighborhood. Don't worry. All of the upper middle class white people in Los Angeles had the same thought over the past 24 months. That's good because there I am. And I really like it. So I went to this pub, this gastropub, fancy pants place called The York. And they had sriracha rooster sauce. Is it sriracha?

Sriracha. Sriracha. Sriracha. Sure. Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. Formerly known as Burma. Sure.

They had Burmese wings, which had honey and cilantro on them. And I had a drink by myself and I ate them by myself and I felt great. Yeah. And then I joined Weight Watchers. I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I really love eating wings. But like someone watching you do that is a little shameful, especially if they don't have like if you're not both in it together, like if they're having something else, like it is – like I maybe would rather jerk off in front of someone than have them watch me like shove chicken wings in my face and then remove the bone. I was just thinking about a related issue to what Sarah just said yesterday, which is how do you feel about eating alone in a public place?

Yeah, I like it. I kind of enjoy it. I always try and have a magazine or a book in the car so I can sit down and have something. I was just talking about this with past guest Eliza Skinner the other day. We talked about how we like to have a solo fancy every now and then. Really? Yeah, to go to like maybe a little bit of a nicer restaurant, sit at the bar, get a nice meal.

Yeah. Really? I like it. I like – yeah. And it's – and yeah. And it gives you an excuse to catch up on a little reading, maybe talk to the bartender. I kind of like it. I started doing it when I was – I started out – my college odyssey took like six or

seven years but it started at Emerson College in Boston. And I started going out by myself to this place called Trident Cafe and Books, which had challah French toast. And so I would just go there and just carve out and be like, I love being 18. And then I just kept doing that when I moved to later, I went to school in Asheville, North Carolina. I found a place. I later moved to the Southwest. I found a place. And like LA is great great for that too because you can just go and you can bring a laptop practically anywhere into any kind of place. And they'll be like, yeah, that's acceptable. Yeah. It's fine.

No, I definitely like – I've definitely been looking for places to read. I used to have a job where I traveled a lot and I would do all my reading on planes because I was on two or three planes a month. And now it's a weird thing. I don't know. It's weird for me to read in my house. So going out to a restaurant with a book is a nice way to do a little of that. Anyway. What about you? I went, well, yesterday was a big day for me. I'm not trying to be braggy, but this is something I do twice a year. And again, I want to be modest about this,

but I get up really early in the morning and go to a special thrift store sale. Oh. And the way it works is they give a, this is a, this thrift store has seasonal stocking. So they will, they have a warehouse

and they pile up the stuff and then seasonally, I believe three times a year... They season it with a lemon pepper or a... Just a seasoned salt. Just a Laurie's seasoned salt. Get a little bit of the old MSG. That's good on anything.

It is. And they'll put it out on one weekend. They'll say it'll be all new merchandise. And they have a big event. They open at the normal time. But you go, if you want to get in, you go ahead of time in the morning and you get a ticket. A numbered ticket.

Sort of like a delicatessen. And so I got there this time around maybe 6.15, 6.30. In the morning? Yeah. Wow. And I was number 79. Whoa. It's a popular event.

Also, people who do this for a living get up very early. Well, they're acquiring stuff to sell. Yes, exactly. And they're super fucked up from the night before still. They're still up. Sure. Yeah. And I'm not above acquiring something to sell, although mostly it's for personal use these days.

I have less time to turn things over. But I got up at 6.30, went, got my ticket, and then thought, huh, well, it opens at 10. I'm in West Los Angeles. I went and had a nice breakfast by myself at the bar. Oh, yeah. Solo diner breakfast is a lot of fun. Oh, it's great. I do that fairly regularly.

You know what I don't like? Hmm. And this is a little, maybe this is a little antisocial of me. I don't like when the person next to you gets friendly. I don't like that. And maybe that happens more to females than to guys. Probably. But the person next to you – because women feel more comfortable I think interacting with strange women than strange men.

And then gentlemen often enjoy speaking to a lady and getting to know her and – Pantsing her.. Pansing her. Pansing her. And then just gently, ever so gently finger banging her. Right. Over some huevos fricheros. The old pants and bang. The old pants and thing.

We've all been there, ladies. Hey, I've seen diners drive-ins and dives. All right. That's what Guy Fieri does. He comes in. You teach him how to make the sauce and then he finger blasts you or your wife. Just picturing Guy Fieri. First of all, hearing in this almost the same thought Guy Fieri and finger blasting is disturbing. And yet I feel like that's the only real way he has sex. Like I don't think he has sex any other way. Right. Except for that. Someone was telling me that Guy Fieri was arrested or ticketed or something for having some sort of weird desert drug party.

Oh, that's awesome. Like some sort of like asshole version of Burning Man. Maybe Guy Fieri is the person behind Burning Man. Maybe like it's just an illusion like all the stories about the actual people who started Burning Man. Inaccurate. It's just an illusion like all the stories about the actual people who started Burning Man. Inaccurate. The real story is Guy Fieri went to the desert and decided to do some cocaine.

Now that I think about it, when you see videos of the titular man, the big wooden man that they burn, it is wearing Crocs. And sunglasses on the back of his head. Right. The first Burning Man was actually out there in the Southern California desert. It was just Guy Fieri fucking Man Cow's wife. Wow.

So. Guys, if we're out of juice on this whether or not to eat alone thing, can I say a few things about squirrels? Yeah.

I mean, I'm not going to stop you, George. I mean, do you guys have more to add on the topic? I don't want to intentionally divert, but I felt like. No, I mean, look. Sure, I had a lot of different stuff I wanted to talk about. What did you order? What did you order at the restaurant when you went by yourself?

Squirrel. Squirrel. I got a country fried steak. Oh, cool. It was not that great. Yeah. You know what? Hmm.

Fucking, it's not that great. You know what? It's not that hard to country fry. Just batter up a cube steak and fry it. Don't take it out of the freezer. Too often it comes out of the freezer. It's not that hard to make gravy either. I just made gravy at lunch for a chicken cutlet. Mm-hmm.

I don't know. I just wish there were more diners out there that would just make the goddamn food you know what I mean? it's not that hard it's not that big a deal I watched an episode of Kitchen Nightmares recently

starring the great Gordon Ramsay and what they found at this particular Italian restaurant in Brooklyn in Cobble Hill was that they were advertising fresh homemade pasta made daily. And that was true. They made the pasta daily. But then they froze the pasta.

Oh, boy. So the pasta that you were eating, in fact, may have been frozen six months to a year prior because they make it and make it and make it and store it and store it. And that includes the meatballs and everything. Well, Gordon Ramsay was not pleased. That sounds like a real nightmare. It was a real kitchen nightmare. Hold on. What did he do about this?

Can I take a guess? Did he take off his shirt? No, I wish. Wait, does Gordon Ramsay take off his shirt? Oh, yeah. Every episode of that show he takes off his shirt. Why? He has to put on his chef shirt.

He has to take off his cool Simon Cowell t-shirt. So he's wearing like a black v-neck to the place and then when it's time to fucking take care of business. He takes it off, shows off his fucking pecs. He looks great. He does. He looks really good. He's always like, this is absurd. This is disgusting.

This is a fucking mess. And then he takes off his shirt and puts on the chef thing and is like, my darling, you can be good. And then people cry. Oh my. It's a symbol of an act break. Okay. When the shirt comes off. When the shirt comes off and the

chef shirt goes on. You know that kind of chef shirt? Yeah, yeah. It kind of goes over buttons down the side. Yeah. Yeah, I'm that kind of chef shirt? Yeah, yeah. It kind of goes over buttons down the side. Yeah, I'm aware of a chef shirt. So, Ramsay puts one of these on when he's got to take care of fucking business. He's got to take out the trash, if you know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes he literally has to take out trash from the kitchen. Because if somebody's supposed to be doing that, they're not doing it. Anyway, when that happens, he's not happy. I love... I want to get to squirrels, but I just need to say. No, no, no. I mean, I don't, the squirrels, that's not important.

That's what we call an evergreen. Well, I. This will be interesting whenever. This one, this topic on Gordon Ramsay, this thing's coniferous. Right. Wait, is that right? I love Gordon Ramsay so much. I fell in love with him whilst watching a program called master chef amazing amazing screaming at people telling them they're

terrible at one point he looked at a contestant and said it's master chef not master bait and i was like yes i know he's been waiting four seasons to use that zinger. Oh, yeah. I'm sure he said that in the pitch. Oh, I'm sure he did. He's like, at some point I will tell a guy that it's not masturbate. Yeah, and they were like, done. Yeah. Four seasons in, finally he gets it out.

He saves that for sweeps. Oh, absolutely. What is MasterChef on? MasterChef is on, I believe, the Fox Network. What happens in it? Does he... It is a program. Turn around restaurants that are failing?

It starts with 100 home cooks from around the nation and is whittled down to one amazing master chef who gets $250,000 and a cookbook contract. Okay, so it's like American Idol. It is American Idol of Cooking. It is so beautiful.

The winner this year, Christine Ha, an MFA student at the University of Houston. It is so beautiful. The winner this year, Christine Ha, an MFA student at the University of Houston. Now she can abandon the fucking arts. Three-year program. Very good. She, creative writing person, blind,

one master chef. That sounds really inspirational. Blind. I sobbed at half of the episodes. That is gorgeous. I'm on the verge right now. Her recipe, by the way, was stir-fried fingertips. Just with a little, just with a drizzle of service dog. I have one Gordon Ramsay thing to say.

I live not far from where you live, actually. And I noticed as I was in Eagle Rock, California, an adjacent neighborhood, that there is a restaurant with a big sign in the window that says, as seen on Kitchen Nightmares. They're advertising that. Is that all you have? But, I mean, is the premise of Kitchen Nightmares that once Gordon Ramsay's done with it, this is a five-star joint? That's the idea, that they ride off into the sunset and it's better. But, of course, you have to assume that oftentimes they go back to their old ways and there's roaches in the food. But I would go there just to talk to them about Gordon Ramsay.

I've probably watched ten of these on Netflix instant, this Kitchen Nightmares. I probably watched 10 of these on Netflix instant, this kitchen nightmares. Um, and, uh, it is the, well, I was going to say it's the most formulaic formulaic television program you can imagine,

but I guess all shows in this type are, but there's no doubt that they're like, they really lay it on thick. Oh my God. They really lay it on thick. They do. I saw. And Ramsey is genuinely pretty compelling. Yeah. Um, and he's not just a, he doesn't just yell on thick. They do. I saw. And Ramsay is genuinely pretty compelling.

Yeah. And he's not just, he doesn't just yell at people. He does other stuff, too. Does he whip things into a foam? I feel like every time I try and watch a cooking show, they're just whipping shit into a foam. There's these scenes where he'll, like, take people. I remember he'll do, like, a ritual. Like, two-thirds of the way through, there's some transformational act that he takes with the staff.

Like they hit like ayahuasca. It is a full-on- They drink a hallucinogenic tea. It's a full-on Robert Bly situation. They go out into the woods and they beat a drum. I remember watching one where they all went out onto the beach and they passed a rock around. Wow. I'm not even making that up.

Out to the desert, eight hours of air guitar with Fieri. And then you fuck Mancow's wife. And then you fuck Mancow's wife. The one Doobie Brothers song is just on the whole time. I bet Gordon Ramsay fucking hates Fieri. Oh, yeah.

Why do you think Gordon Ramsay doesn't seem like that? Gordon Ramsay seems like a reasonably intelligent. He seems like a human man. He seems very, very smart, very talented gentleman. Yeah, not a living party shirt. Exactly. A friend of mine who works in the industry of cable television production told me that Guy Fieri was cast as the host of his television program

and then essentially stole it from its creator after the first year. Oh, dear. Yeah, like applied pressure and forced the creator out. You know, Fieri jokes are rampant these days. And it's always nice to hear that someone who it's fun to joke about is actually a jerk. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. That's nice.

That makes me feel – Feeling bad about joking about someone. As a comedian, that makes me feel better about the stupid shit that I do. Right. Right. Like going on – when you go on those like VH1 shows or I've been doing one for the History Channel lately, which doesn't matter because everybody we make fun of is dead. But that's – it's called I Love the 1880s. But I've also done like VH1 and Fuse and stuff and they give you these packets and they're like, OK, so Kim Kardashian has a big butt.

Write us five jokes about that. About the butt. Write us five jokes about that. And you're doing it. And I'm always thinking like, wow, I'm getting paid to make fun of people who are far more, well, not with Kim Kardashian, but let's pick an actually talented person. You know, generally, you're making fun of people who are far more talented and accomplished than you are. Jennifer Aniston. Exactly. Thank you. Jennifer Aniston is legitimately very talented. Exactly. She is a delight. Lights up the screen. And I'm like, is she still sad about Brad? I don't know. A poop, a poop, a poop.

She's vomiting out like references. It's painful. All right. That was just a moment for me. Yeah. Just for Sarah. I actually, now that I think of it, I ate two alone meals yesterday. Yeah?

Because I went and had, my car does not have a spare tire. Designed not to have a spare tire. I went over something on the does not have a spare tire, designed not to have a spare tire. I went over something on the freeway, cut my tire up, cut my wheel up. It has run flat tires. So I was able to get to the Costco to get the tire replaced. I love getting my tires from Costco because you can get them replaced. Sure. I have relatively low profile tires.

I'm always fucking them up. You can get it. They'll just replace it for you for free. You can get a nice fro-yo for a buck too. Absolutely. So I take it there. They tell me it's going to be three hours. I don't have anything to do.

I went to this restaurant. It's made out of fro-yo, right? I went to this restaurant. I love this restaurant, Jordan. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this restaurant. It's called the Tamo Shanter. Oh, yeah. The Tamo Shanter is great.

This restaurant's been open since night. Brian Fernandez is applauding. He's excited about the Tamohanter. Oh, yeah. The Tam O'Shanter is great. This restaurant's been open since – Brian Fernandez is applauding. He's excited about the Tam O'Shanter. Oh, yeah. This restaurant's been open since 1910 or something like that. Sure. 1917, I think. It is a Scottish-themed restaurant.

Oh. Yeah. I guess this – don't judge it too harshly on this, but the waitresses wear little kilts. Yeah, they sure do. Are they cute waitresses? No. Okay. I feel like I've seen some cute ones.

Okay. I might have just – The primary one that I've interacted with is what you would – is like the very definition of – what are they? Like a battle horse? What do they call that? You know what I mean? Like an old – An ugly lady.

A Trojan horse. She was filled with littler waitresses. She's just had a- She's a good waitress, but she's had a rough life. Okay, sure. Is how I would characterize her. You know. Yeah, rough life at the old Tamo Shanty.

Possible she's 40. Possible she's 70. I ate at a place- But again, good waitress. They'll hand carve you a prime rib sandwich. There's a potato salad and pickled beets bar. Love it. You can also get coleslaw if you like.

All you can eat. There's Lori's seasoned salt and Lori's seasoned pepper on the table. Hey. So you can put a little MSG on your prime rib sandwich before you eat it. The guy that carves your sandwich, he'll take a tip, put a little au jus on there. He says, sir, would you like some jus? Say yes, please. You want a juicy sandwich?

Doesn't need anything else. No, man. I mean, you put maybe some horseradish on there. Yeah, I don't need it. You won't. Here's a Weight Watchers tip. Oh, please. A Weight Watchers tip. Au jus is actually a good thing because it flavors your stuff up, flavors your meat in its own juices. And that way you're not adding other crap that's going to add points.

Sure. Weight Watchers points. So that's why you have a little thermos full of au jus that you've been drinking. I do. Yeah. I'm going to open a vein later. Wow. Just a free base.

Just stew yourself in your own juices? Exactly. I'm kind of doing that right now, quietly. I don't know if you noticed. Excellent. I noticed it. It's like Ramsey in the part of an episode where he's observing everything that's going on and trying not to say anything because he hasn't put the jacket on. Yeah, and he just bites his hand and he'll just go,

Oh, oh, God, God, oh, oh. So disapproving. He has to bite his hand. He's so appalled by what's going on. My favorite part of a Gordon Ramsay television program, this one that I've seen, Kitchen Nightmares, is there's always a part, like, if they're low on customers, sometimes the problem is just that they're doing something immoral or illegal

or they have a nightmarishly incompetent staff, but often they'll be low on customers. He will frequently just take the whole staff out onto the streets and lead a parade as though he can't just put up a sign that says Gordon Ramsay will be here. That is what they're actually doing. They're putting up a sign that says that says Gordon Ramsay will be here. That is what they're actually doing. They're putting up a sign that says famous person Gordon Ramsay will be here. But instead, the way they choose to represent that on television is he leads the staff of the restaurant through the streets in a parade.

And they bark people in, essentially. Yes. It's like, hey, you like comedy? Come on in. Except it's more like, hey, you like prime rib au jus. Hey, you like rat droppings. Come on in. This shit's covered in them.

It's going to be wonderful. Brian, Jordan, Sarah, you've got an open invitation. Anytime you want to have lunch at the Tam O'Shanter with me. Oh, sure. I would legitimately like to do that. It's like the prime rib and just do it up. It's like eating a meal inside of a theme park from 1925. There is a place in Burbank that George Clooney named his production company after.

It's called The Smokehouse, and it has been there for 66 years. And I went there the other night for the second time, and they were celebrating Judy. Their waitress, Judy, has worked there for 50 years. And I went there the other night for the second time and they were celebrating Judy, their waitress Judy, has worked there for 50 years. Oh, Judy. Judy has worked there for 50 years. What's amazing about living in Los Angeles to me is that if Los Angeles is famous for anything, particularly in the food area,

it is for, it was the earliest to adopt all of the worst things about restaurants. So like the legendary Los Angeles restaurants are like, this was one of the first theme restaurants ever. Like this was the first industrial style food preparation. You know what I mean? And, but to be honest, some of them, the ones that are still around, they deliver. Sure. They deliver.

I think of the classic Los Angeles restaurant as not being – well, there's like two different types of L.A. restaurants. So you can go to the stereotypical one where you get served tiny portions and it's all like vegan. A Spago type restaurant. Yeah. And it's all like – Something from L.A. story. Or you can go to one – Larry Miller is there.

That's old school. There's like an old school one where it's just like a chopped, like a head of lettuce with some ranch on it and a side of beef. Right. And it's very dark inside and you can't tell what time it is ever. Taylor's Steakhouse near here is like that. Oh, I love it. I love it. Sure.

Do you guys know if there's an In-N-Out burger near here? There is. Oh, I love it. I love it. Sure. Do you guys know if there's an In-N-Out burger near here? There is. No, there isn't. Because that. Closest one is on Sunset. What a delight. What a delight that is. You'll get bored of that.

I know, but I haven't yet. I'm just. I mean, you'll have a couple of weeks where, I mean, you'll. Yeah. I mean, I think I think the the novelty will wear off. But I mean, enjoy it while it lasts. I will. It's special.

It's special. I've gotten to the point now where I don't feel any longer like I'm just visiting here. I feel like I live here. So some of the glamour is off. So the other day I was sitting in traffic. I drove in both rush hours because I was taping a couple episodes of that I Love the 1880s show. That was in the morning. Do you wear 1880s costumes while you're doing this?

I do not. I do not. But I get my makeup done, which is very fun. That was in the morning. Do you wear 1880s costumes while you're doing this? I do not. I do not. But I get my makeup done, which is very fun. That's kind of a funny – isn't it a parody of those I Love the Shows? No. It is – actually, Nick Kroll and John Mulaney did a great one that had Julie Klausner in it years ago. In the olden times. It was called – in the olden days of the internet in like 2005, 2006, which was called I Love the 30s, which was great.

But no, the I Love the 1880s People, it's basically a talking head clips show with comedians. But we're just talking about like the Wright Brothers or the invention of the bulletproof vest. And what big butts they had. And what big butts they had. Those Wright Brothers. Orville had such a big ass. It was crazy. And then they make a weird sound effect.

And then you riff on a Magic Lantern show. Exactly. They show a clip of horse running. Like, where is he running to? The gay stable? I did a packet for Tosh last week. Oh, you did? Did you really?

I did. Yeah, I did a packet for Daniel Tosh and for another talk show which I like better than the Daniel Tosh show. Yeah. A talk show that I really like, actually. And I'm okay with Daniel Tosh. I don't think he's a monster. Just, you know, bad taste sometimes, but I think his heart is generally in the right place. Can we guess what the show you like better is?

Maybe not. Was it Tom Snyder? It was Tom Snyder, yes. It was Charlie Rose. He wants to do a comedy monologue now and some desk pieces. Are you going to just play the black background? Like, are you just going to play the black background? Right, yeah, I'm going to dress up in it.

I will get very fat. Yeah, get very fat. Very fat. Was one of your segment ideas, can we throw it into the void? Yeah, right. Yeah. Here's where your fears live. So I did.

And so I kind of had a week to do both of these. And for the talk show that I liked, I really labored over it. I mean, more than I've labored over one of these things in a long time. I really wanted this. You know, and I watched every episode of the show, and I watched every clip online I could find, and I really, like, made this. And there is a lot of

Chelsea Handler clips. Yeah, definitely. I mean, all her early work, screen tests, I mean, I got it all. I went to the library, Microfiche was involved. It wasn't helpful but I did it. The feature film that she produced for Chewy. Sure.

Right. Exactly. And I really, really, really put my heart into this and the Daniel Tosh one I kind of just did over the weekend and – not that I don't like the show but I'm like, I will put my effort into this one and not the other one. And kind of looking at these both on Sunday night when I'm about to send them off, I'm like, well, this Tosh one's better. I'm better at these rape jokes. I'm better at rape jokes than I am at Kristen Stewart jokes. Daniel Tosh is listening right now. I know.

And he's sobbing gently into a bucket of money. A bucket of money. Puss covered money. Yeah. Yeah. Lime, I don't think either of these places want to hire me. So what are you going to do? I want to hire you.

Cool. Thanks. You're welcome. I don't know for what. I just do. Look, I mean, I can hang around nude in a bathtub. Okay. Excellent.

And you can interview me whenever. Oh, good. But I'll just hang around. Jordan is exceptionally good with a frayed wire. Right. A watery frayed wire. Sparks will fly. Yeah.

You'll need a pretty big Buddha statue, though, a morning. Pretty big Buddha. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, And Sarah Benincasa, America's bean sprout. She's popping up everywhere. She'll really fill out a sandwich. You know what? Sprouts on a sandwich is really all right. I'm okay with it, if it doesn't get out of control. It's roughage.

Yeah. You know, it adds to the, keeps things moving. Sometimes they'll get a little out of control, but I think some are fun. That's because you're eating at these West Hollywood type sprouts themed restaurants. Homosexual sprout restos. I know. The theme of the restaurant that you eat is bean sprouts and sit-ups. Right.

A muscular man holds your feet and then you do a sit-up and he shoves bean sprouts in your mouth. Whole thing costs 20 bucks. Sponsor on this week's episode, our friends at Ask Metafilter. Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. A good place, a good thing to ask, uh, Ask Metafilter would be, what are your favorite Los Angeles area restaurants that seem like they're from 1958? Los Angeles area restaurants that seem like they're from 1958. I'm sure a really, really well-spoken person would have a great answer to that. You know what they'd say?

Hmm. The Dowel Ray in Pico Rivera. Great. Problem fucking solved. Hey, listen, you don't even need to go to Ask Metafilter. In fact, you shouldn't. Don't. No, you should. Do not.

No, no, I disagree. You should go to ask.metafilter.com. We would like to keep them as a sponsor. So yeah, go there. Jesse was wrong. Hey, I also want to mention I am going to be making

public appearances both here in Los Angeles and in New York City. Maybe you guys have heard of them. Haven't. Haven't heard of the last one. When will you be in Maine?

On Thursday evening, the 6th of December, I will be appearing at the Etsy Holiday Shop in New York City. That's great. Etsy, the popular place to buy things with owls on them, as our friend Julie Klasner once said. Or something shaped like an 8-bit video game character. Yeah, has a pop-up shop where they have curated selections of items from various tastemakers, including myself. Terrific. And they are having events there. There are lots of cool events there.

Honestly, there are actually really cool events there. And they're all free. But on Thursday, I will be doing my Make Your Thing talk. It will be in the early evening, right after work, looking at like a 6 o'clock, 6 to 7.30, I believe. You go straight from your day job and go and learn how to make your thing. Exactly. And you can go to etsy.com slash holiday shop. Should you tell your boss to shove it before you come? No, you probably shouldn thing. Exactly. And you can go to etsy.com slash holiday shop. Should you tell your boss

to shove it before you come? No, you probably shouldn't. Okay. Unless you're Johnny Paycheck, in which case, that road is paved with riches. Right. So make sure to record

a song about it. Yes. Don't not record the song. That's the key. Brian, can you make sure that it's etsy.com slash holiday shop? And it is. Okay, great.

And also, that afternoon, Kevin Allison from Risk and my friend Dallas Penn from the Internet Celebrities will be doing workshops. I also curated some workshops. You're just a curator. Yeah, and I'll be around then too. I'll probably be working with Dallas. Dallas is going to be called Internet's DIY. He said he's going to start by teaching people how to make a Big Mac out of shit

from the 99 cent menu. The night of the McDonald's 99 cent menu? Yeah. Great. So you don't have to buy a Big Mac. Okay.

How much does a Big Mac cost? $2.50? Like $3 or something. Okay. Look up how much a Big Mac costs. I mean, it sounds like

this is a value. Yeah, no, this is a, dude, if Dallas Penn knows anything, it's how to get a value on low-quality food. Right. And this is also at the Etsy situation? Yeah, this is also at this Etsy thing.

There's like a performance space. There's a sales floor. There's all kinds of cool shit. Like it's supposed to be a really cool thing. I'm excited to be doing it. I really like Etsy. Do you think I painted myself as an ivory tower snob because I didn't know how much a Big Mac cost? Yeah, you did. You're never getting elected. $3.50

is what a Big Mac costs. Yeah. You might have a lot of shit from the dollar menu for that. Sure, yeah. Three and a half things. And also in Los Angeles, here in Los Angeles, on Sunday, which is the 9th of December, I'm going to be doing a holiday sale

of my own. Sarah, I don't know if you know this, but I am in the gentleman's accessory business. I did not know. You sell cock rings. No. I sell pocket squares through the Put This On Gentleman's Association. These are vintage cock rings, though. Yes.

These are very nice. I'll put an owl on there if you want. They're vintage distressed upcycled cockings. They're actually made out of children's toys from the 1910s. There's a nice fox hunting scene around them. I make them out of Swiss surplus military bags. No, I do actually sell gentlemen's accessories. We make handmade pocket squares here in Los Angeles. And ordinarily, we sell them through a subscription service.

So, in fact, if you go to PutThisOn.com, you can click through and get the subscription as a holiday gift if you'd like. But basically, it's sort of like every other month, a new handmade pocket square appears at your door or at the door of the well-dressed gentleman in your life who needs a nice gift. Like a cheese of the month club for dandies. Exactly. That is precisely what it is. And basically – If you know a dandy, don't not get him a cheese of the month club because if there's

anything I know about those guys, they love cheese. Oh, Greer. So basically like I buy fabric for these things at, you know, vintage textile shows and fancy fabric stores and all over everywhere. And sometimes there is more fabric than we need to make a given run of the pocket square. So I will just have them made up. And I've had this pile of pocket squares that is sort of taking over my home. So I thought I would have a sample sale. So we're having a nice little holiday sale.

There will be free beer. There will be discount prices on Put This On DVDs and pocket squares starting at $20. Nog? I'm not going to have a nog because it's difficult to keep chilled. Sure. But maybe if someone brought their own nog in like a water bottle or a coffee cup, you're not going to kick them out. I fucking love Nog. Yeah.

You know what Nog I recommend from Mitchell's Ice Cream in San Francisco? If somebody could bring that by, I'd really appreciate it. Okay. If anyone brings me Nog from Mitchell's Ice Cream in San Francisco, free pocket square. Wow. I know. Fantastic. Sounds like a value.

That's how serious this thing is. But anyway, we'll have special prices and special pieces. Like we have some that are made from this one roll of silk that we think was maybe a salesman's sample, but it is OB silk, Japanese OB silk from, we're guessing the 20s, maybe the 30s, that we made into squares that are just fucking amazing. But also lots of other cool stuff. I mean, just tons of cool stuff. And it's going to be at Don V.A. Shoes, which is on La Brea at First, between First and Beverly. My friend Raul Ojeda owns it.

He's a shoemaker, and he will be offering special deals on some of the floor models of his shoes. That's really cool. His literally handmade shoes, as in made Daniel Day-Lewis style. He's a cobbler. Only he's good at it. Okay. Is Daniel Day-Lewis not good at making his shoes? That's the word on the street.

Oh, no. That is some shit talking. That's what Elvis Mitchell told street. Oh, no. That is some shit talking. That's what Elvis Mitchell told me. Oh, no. That's why he had to go back and do Lincoln. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fuck, this isn't working out.

Yeah, he's better at statecraft. Right. Anyway, noon to five on Sunday at Don V.A. Shoes, which is on La Brea between First and Beverly. If you're not in L.A., tell somebody you know in L.A. to come by. Look, you can just come by and have a free beer. I'm not going to make you buy anything. You know what I mean?

But seriously, go to the ATM first. Probably buy something. Buy something. It's a nice gift for a gentleman in your life. I mean, is that too much to ask? No, we didn't say not to, Jesse. No one said not to. We all agreed that it's a good idea.

Why won't you let people fucking patronize my business? We all agreed that it's a good idea. We all agreed that it's a good idea. Just give me some cash. We've been nothing but supportive. No. We said it was a good idea. You are trying to sandbag me. I've never, never. You are.

When? Play back the tape, Brian. When did I say it wasn't a good idea? Right now you're trying to sandbag me. No, I think it's a great idea. I'm trying to gaslight you. I'm trying to gaslight you. I'm trying to gaslight you. There's

bugs on your hands. Don't you see them? No, don't gaslight me. Don't sandbag me. Don't flummox me. You've also flummoxed me with your combination of gaslighting and sandbagging. Do you want to be gasbagged? I would like being gasbagged.

That's a gay party drug, isn't it? It's like a Dutch oven, but with a garbage bag. And yes, some gay men do do it to get high. But yeah, yeah. Do come by, say hi, have a beer. I don't care if you're wearing shorts and flip flops. I'm not going to say anything. I might say something, but it'll be friendly.

It'll be behind your back. Or like on Twitter later. No, not on Twitter later. I'm not something, but it'll be behind your back. Or like on Twitter later. No, not on Twitter later. I'm not a sneak. Okay. Brian Fernandez, our producer, is going to be there with me. He's going to be helping me out. That's fun. That's so fun. This is going to be a great time. Now that I know Brian is going to be there, I might go. Yeah, I know. He's a

handsome guy, right? Handsome son of a bitch. Ladies, if you need a present for your boyfriend and a better boyfriend, come by. Brian Fernandez. Brian Fernandez is single as far as I know. Honey. No, he's not single. Ladies, if you need a present for your boyfriend and a better boyfriend, goodbye. Brian Fernandez is single as far as I know. Honey. No, he's not single. He is not single.

Brian is married. Brian Fernandez is looking for a peace on the side. Yes, he's nodding yes, peace on the side. He's nodding yes, peace on the side. Someone discreet. Someone discreet. Someone who looks like a lady in the streets, but a man in the bed. Right.

He's looking for someone with a burlesque act. Yes. Right? Yes. Some sort of sneaky false female. So, yeah. And, hey, if you don't live in Los Angeles, go to PutThisOn.com and buy some pocket squares as a gift for someone. Sign somebody up for the thing.

You can do it. It's even international now. We recently added international shipping. Fantastic. I was stymied. I think that's a bad idea. No one should do it. International, that's a bad idea.

Do not sandbag this. See? Is this more fun now that someone's sandbagging you? Oh, jebus. There's a monkey sitting on your head. No. Get him off of me. We've got to take a break. I've got to get rid of this monkey. that someone's sandbagging you? Oh, jeebus. There's a monkey sitting on your head. No! Get him off of me! We gotta take a break.

I gotta get rid of this monkey. Just put this garbage bag on your head. I farted into it. We'll be back in just a sec. On Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Sarah Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Sarah Benincasa, America's Lincoln log. I just called myself a thing that looks like poop. Low self-esteem-y, kind of. Bean sprouts. Go back to bean sprout. It's adorable. It's good on a sandwich. America's bean sprout, Sarah Benincasa. Well, when something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. Or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

We do have telephone calls locked and loaded. Let's go to the tape. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Will from Indiana calling with a moment of shame. Last night I went to Target with my girlfriend because she needed to pick up some groceries. And I did not need to pick up some groceries. I was just being nice and driving her, and I was bored. So I started tossing my keys in the air, you know, like you do.

And I kept throwing them higher and higher and just having this, you know, a basic childlike glee at how high I could throw my keys and still catch them. The aisle markers in the grocery part of Target are these big green triangles. They're flat on the top and bottom and then triangular shaped. The tops are maybe 16 feet in the air. And I said to my girlfriend, Hey, watch this.

And I threw my keys up in the air and I meant to just throw them straight up so I could show them how good I was at catching them. But I screwed up and it landed on top of one of the aisle markers. Oh boy. So I had to go get a Target employee, explain to them that my keys were on top of the aisle marker, and then have him have to go get another employee to get a football and explain to him that my keys were on top of the aisle marker. And he had to go get the pneumatic lift,

stand there, get lifted 10 feet up in the air, grab my keys, and hand them to me. And that was my moment of shame. Thanks for the show. Do you think that he is dating his absentee father? Hey, look at this! Look what I can do! Dad, Dad, look! Look what... Hey, father. Hey, look at this. Look what I can do.

Dad, dad, look. Look what. Hey, dad. Hey, dad. No. Hey, dad. Hey, dad. Hey, dad.

Dad. Dad. Gotta go get cigarettes. This story is kind of, I'm impressed because that's more helpful than I think a Target employee has ever been. I feel like when you go into Target and need something, it's always – it's one of the bigger ordeals. It's always like the employees are trained to stock only conditioner or like this guy is just there for the baby clothes and they don't know anything else about the store. There's like a weird telephone in Target that you're supposed to pick up to call someone. Yeah.

The process of getting someone to help you in Target is always a little more of an ordeal than it needs to be. This sounds like they really knew what they were doing. You know what? Target employees in Indiana were on fucking point. Oh, yeah. Indiana. There you go. With that pneumatic lift at the ready.

I don't like that Maria Bamford's not in the Christmas commercials anymore. She's not? She's not, no. What the fuck is even the point of having Christmas commercials? Yeah. None. Not Christmas. What's the point of having Target?

That's a dumb holiday. Yeah. Yeah, basically Christmas was kept around so they could have those Maria Bamford commercials. I got so stoked when she got that campaign. I was just, that's just somebody who, you know, I don't know Maria personally, but that's just somebody who

when you see they get something good, you're just like, yeah! Like, you just get such. Yeah. Like, good! It's so deserved that it's like impossible

to feel any comedian's sour grapes. Yeah, you're just like, oh, good! You know what? I just thought of a way for us to make Maria Bamford's holiday season sing. She's not in the Target commercials, but she does have a new special called the Maria Bamford Special Special Special.

She performs it in her home for her parents. Oh, that's fantastic. Sounds like people should buy that to ease some of the pain of not getting to be in Target commercials. If you don't buy it, you're on my shit list that's where i'm at cost five dollars buy it watch it she's the best stand-up comedian in america okay yeah i said it no one's saying no one's saying that she's not i hear you saying what about louis ck she's better than louis ck, what about Louis C.K.? She's better than Louis C.K. Wow. What about Dave Chappelle?

She doesn't put you through a seven-hour ordeal. She doesn't stress you out. She doesn't make you smoke. I am particularly fond of her for various reasons, but especially because we both are crazy. And I believe we have both written books about being crazy. I think she has one too, I think. And she talks about being crazy, which when someone like Maria Bamford talks about being crazy, it makes it OK for a lesser mortal in the comedy scene.

Or it makes it more OK-er. You blaze a trail when talking about your particular craziness versus unwanted thought syndrome. It makes it easier for me to talk about my agoraphobia and things like that. She's quite an inspiration, I find. I find her inspirational

because she's a fucking genius. And I do know her personally. She's a great lady. I've heard she's very nice. She has pug parties at her house. Oh, yeah? Like invites all the pugs? Yeah, you can go over and play with the pugs. On the kind of topic of this guy's embarrassing attempt to amuse himself by throwing up the keys,

I was caught in a bit of embarrassing behavior the other day. Do you have pets, Sarah? No, I wish I did. Yeah. Actually, wait, that's not totally true. I live in a compound basically of two little bungalows and one big bungalow. And there are a lot of rats. Oh, there are five cats and there are two dogs.

So they're not mine. So if you needed to pet an animal. Absolutely, all the time. Yeah. I can do it whenever I So if you needed to pet an animal. Absolutely. All the time. Yeah. I can do it whenever I want to. What about a specialty animal? Porpoise?

A narwhal? No, I wish. That would be awesome. Do not put those two in the same tank. They will fuck. And the babies will be awful. I noticed I was doing something the other day in public. Like I baby talk to my cat.

Like that's just something. Like I think we all do an embarrassing voice to our pets. I think that's universal. I'm not embarrassed about that. But it is something that I do in private. But I was driving home the other day and I parked and I parked maybe two blocks, three blocks away from my house. And I was so excited to see the cat that I was just doing cat talk while I was walking to the house. And these people coming the other way totally looked at me like I was crazy.

Like I got out of the car. I'm like, hey, buddy, who's looking cute? Who's taking a nap? I was like doing the cat talk on the way to the cat. Anyway. So, yeah. Is your cat talk just also your audition voice for Casey Kasem tryouts? Yeah.

I was going to say a Mike Judge cartoon. Yes. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. I'm a solid teenager. I don't know. Yeah. It's like a, I am. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. I'm a solid teenager. I don't know. Yeah, it's like a little nasal voice. It's like, hey, buddy, what's up?

Being cool? Everything cool over there? Hey, buddy. Find any mice? You like mice? Oh, boy. Jesse, how do you talk to animals? Do you have a little cute voice for them?

I wonder if I do. I think I do. Imagine right now. I mean, I do all kinds of cute shit with my animals. Just all day long I'm doing cute shit with my animals. Fucking rubbing their bellies, picking them up and kissing them, letting them lick my nose, doing funny dances with them. Just this morning, me and my dog Sissy did a funny dance to amuse my son. We did it together. Sounds fairly amusing.

It was pretty fucking amusing. I mean, look, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but it was Jim Carrey in the mask level amusing. Wow. Sounds pretty amusing. I think I probably do use a baby voice with my dogs. But I don't know what it is. It's kind of like that.

Coco. Hi, sissy. Coco. I love you. I talk to her like I'm pretending there's a little energy of a puppy in front of me. I go, who's a baby? Are you a baby? Who's a baby?

Let's all do it at the same time. Hey, buddy. Who's a baby? What are you doing? Who's a a baby? Who's a baby? Let's all do it at the same time. Hey, buddy. Who's a baby? What are you doing? Who's a tiny baby? I love you. Who's a buddy? Who loves me?

Okay, for God's sake, let's take another call. This is like that Flaming Lips album that you have to play on three different stereos. And what's weird is that somebody out there in America got a boner during that segment. Somebody. If it's you, you win all the pocket squares you want. If it's you, we'll see you Sunday, December 9th at Don VA Shoes in Los Angeles. Let's take the next call. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hi, guest. This is Nick from Houston with a momentous occasion. I was just driving home from work when I stopped at a stoplight and across the street I saw a guy on rollerblades rollerblading down the sidewalk and simultaneously dancing.

So he was doing his own little roller disco routine, I guess. Very entertaining. I had a good laugh. He sounds happy. Yeah. I guess a good laugh. And, yeah. He sounds happy. Yeah. Guess I'm keeping it piffy.

No, you're not keeping it piffy! I don't know. F minus. F minus. Worst grade available. I don't... Yeah, you didn't sound... That sounded like snarky delight.

That didn't sound like genuine delight. Which is what you should have anytime there's roller skate dancing because roller skate dancing is fucking great. Yeah, I agree. Roller skate dancing is awesome every time I see it. Sure. Now, are roller blades a little worse than regular roller skates? Yeah, probably a little, but not that, not enough to make it not great. I think at this day and age, you know, enough time has passed. The roller blade and the skate are both kind of equally anachronistic. But it's not the anachronism that makes it great. What's nice about a roller skate is the stability. Sure.

For dancing purposes I'm talking about. Yeah. And also the roller skate's popular in the heyday of roller skate dancing. Whereas the roller blade, it's like you wouldn't necessarily wear skates to play roller hockey. Sure. You would wear blades to play roller hockey because they're contemporaneous. They each rose to prominence in a similar time frame.

Yeah. I think what we're saying is don't sound smug. Don't sound like you're above roller skate dancing. If you could roller skate dance, you'd be fucking roller skate dancing right now and having a blast. Yeah. I would love to be able to roller skate dance.'d be fucking roller skate dancing right now and having a blast yeah i would love to be able to roller skate dance that would be so awesome i worked with a roller well a roller not professional i worked with a roller skate i worked with a former champion uh

roller skate dancer in a salon in boston he had photographs he was uh pairs dancing like ice dancing but just on roller skates. Terrific. That's great. Did he have elegant costumes? I presume it was two Puerto Rican guys. It was a homosexual man. You got to be kidding me. Roller skate dancing? I know. A friend of mine, one of my wife's good friends from college, made a documentary film about roller skate dancing in the

New Jersey area. That's where I'm from. And it was I don't think it's available on home video but it was a festival type situation. I genuinely think roller skate dancing is fucking cool. Yeah. I think I talked about this when it happened but I

went to a roller rink down here and there was over 18 nights. We went for over 18 nights and it was – Earth, wind and fire. Yeah. What it ended up being was like over 50 nights and it was all these kind of 50-year-old African-American couples who could still do it from the 70s. It was totally amazing. That's awesome.

Yeah. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. Also great stepping. Also great. Yeah. Just a list of cool dances that middle-aged people like to do. Brian, let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Nico.

This is Dylan from San Francisco calling from inside El Fado Luso in the OMI on your recommendation, Jesse. We've been talking about it enough. I figured we'd finally go check it out. See if it's any better than the other one. Also, momentous occasion so to come.

My lady is pregnant and ready to pop out any day now. She's a few days overdue, so we figured we'd come here and have some spicy food since we heard that can get labor going. It burns up the pain. So take it easy. Have a good day, and thanks for the recommendation. Does this guy, has this guy confused, and I don't know a lot about baby stuff or child labor. You're not allowed to.

No. Legally. My mom doesn't permit it. Correct. My mom's a lawyer. Has this guy confused babies and diarrhea? Does this guy think that a baby comes out of the butt and if the wife has too much spicy – It's not juicy enough.

Yeah. That a nice soft stool is conducive to having a baby. A shit baby. A shit baby. Look, Dylan's been a listener of ours since the olden days. Many years Dylan has been a listener of ours. But I don't think we've ever gone over the difference between babies and diarrhea on the show. So if this is the only place he gets information.

I also want to share one piece of information about El Farolito. The reason El Farolito is better than the other El Farolito or El Faro, Faro of course being the word meaning lighthouse in Spanish, is not so much because the food is better. Although the food may be better, it is because you don't have to deal with bullshit. Because now you have to go all the way out to the outer mission or OMI in order to enjoy a bullshit-free burrito. So you don't have to stand around a bunch of people asking for lettuce and black beans and soyrizo. And they'll let you have a baby on the floor.

In those gross green tortillas. They will also let you take a dump on the floor if it's in the shape of a baby. I've heard that. They'll put down a nice tarp for you. And you know what? I have one more thing to say. I got a lot of guff on this show for standing up on behalf of those of us who believe that black beans don't belong in a burrito. Oh, interesting.

The reason I believe that is because it's true. It's an empirical fact. Pinto beans belong in a burrito, not black beans. Black beans, look, you want to mix your black beans with rice and have them with some fried plantains because you're Cuban? Are you Dominican? Have fun with your black beans. You know what I mean? I'm not.

This isn't about me versus black beans. This is about me versus the bullshit assholes who started demanding black beans and vegetarian meats and green tortillas and all this other bullshit that I have to put up with when I'm just trying to order a goddamn super burrito. You sound exactly like a racist grandpa immediately post desegregation if you replace beans with people. We just don't want a burrito with black beans raping your daughter. You have comely farm daughters. You know what? And you're just afraid of their sexual prowess. There is a good place to get black bean burritos.

If you do want black beans in your burrito, I don't know if you guys have heard of this place it's called Chipotle look it up see if you can find it head over there end of discussion we'll be back in just a second I'm Jordan Jessica La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I think that when people – they know you have hot button issues.

They know that you have things that will set you off and I think that burritos are one of them. And I think that when people are twittering you and emailing you, they're just – they want the rage. I mean so – I mean I guess in a way you're giving them what they want. But I think that – You're feeding the trolls? You're feeding the trolls, I think. Sometimes I like to... Soy Rizzo? Yes, you are.

Yeah. Sometimes I like to play with my trolls because I find trolls... I haven't been as active on the YouTube in the past year or so because I've been focusing more on like writing and stuff than like farting into a webcam, which is what I used to just do for fun. And, but I find that – Are those videos still up? Yeah, they're totally there.

Cool. Great. Can you say future farts for this garbage bag? Of course. Yes. We're going to gas bag it. But I have been called – You know how like at a nightclub, you know, like an old lady will go around with tamales

or like, you know, they'll have those bacon-wrapped hot dogs. What I like to do is I like to go to a gay club with a trash bag filled with my farts. And, you know, just walk around and, you know, I'm not hard-selling anybody on them, but if they want a trash bag filled with my farts. You also have some light-up plastic roses. Yes. Right, exactly. You will take a photograph of people for fun for $5.

Totally. And a shot glass on some for fun for $5. Totally. And a shot glass on some Mardi Gras beets. Yeah. Also filled with my farts. Sorry. But I'm just saying. I think that what you think is an attack is an internet goof. People are goofing around about burritos?

Why would you do that? I don't know. I mean, I guess that's the thing that I don't understand. These are people who don't believe in anything. These are nihilists. I feel like it's one thing to goof around about, you know,

birthday pranks. Okay, for it's sure. Or, or, you know, current events. When it comes to serious stuff, yeah, I don't think of you. We should goof around. Yeah. Do you know, current events. When it comes to serious stuff, I don't think we should goof around.

Yeah. Do you think – I think that's why we get all the grammar shit is because we complain about it so much. I think people would stop doing it if we stopped reacting to them. Would you say that this is what's wrong with the First Amendment? The black beans thing. Yes. Yes. It's one of many things wrong with the First Amendment? The black beans thing. Yes. Yes.

It's one of many things wrong with the First Amendment. Soy Rizzo, green tortillas. Women being allowed to speak in public. Listen, the other day someone corrected me on Twitter that the song Back in the New York Groove is not in fact by Kiss, but it is on like Ace Frehley's solo album. And you know what? That fucking pissed me off. But that was that guy's point. And me saying I feel bad that I'm mentioning it

because now I'm retroactively giving that guy what he wanted. Yeah. But I'm just saying. I really had to choke it down not to say anything. But I think that if we don't want these burrito fights, if we don't want these minor grammar corrections, we just don't address it. Literally 10 people sent me a link to the same web comic about web analytics the other day. That's tiresome. I went apeshit on people on Twitter.

I couldn't handle it. I usually just ignore people. But I went ape. It was a mistake. I shouldn't handle it. I usually just ignore people. Yeah. But I went ape. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I was feeding the trolls. Yeah.

I'm guessing these people also have strong opinions about Pokemon and Boy Meets World. Oh, they're very excited about the new Boy Meets World. Yes. Girl Meets World. They're all thrilled about Girl Meets World and they're thrilled that you are talking about anything burrito related. Girl Meets World is a porno, right? Yes. Starting Topanga.

I met Topanga once. You did? Yeah. I've heard she's lovely. I met her backstage at the podcast-a-thon. Our friend Jimmy Pardo's annual charity podcasting marathon. She at the time was working with Jimmy's wife. She had a sort of little not that handsome boyfriend.

Interesting. We used to have her on. I used to be on Sirius XM's Cosmo radio. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's a brilliant feminist outlet. True. Progressive thought. I took the quiz.

And she was on. And you had a show about encouraging women to put a finger in their boyfriend's butts. Yes. My show was called Get in Bed and it was about sex. And every – And finger in the butt came up a lot. It came up sometimes. We were encouraged to avoid talking about anal things. OK.

Mostly because I think I loved talking about anal things because I think they're funny. I think anal sex is one of the funniest activities. It is a pretty – Pooves come out and peens go in. Exactly. I think it's hilarious. I think anal sex is one of the funniest activities. It is a pretty... Poops come out and peens go in. Exactly. I think it's hilarious. And then out. And then in. She was on a different show a few times. By Jove, you've got it.

And then they come out and then they go in. Everybody. Hey buddy, good little buddy. No, no, no. No, you're ruining it. You're ruining everything. This is weird. Sorry. Continue.

Oh, no. She was just on the channel a few times. Oh, wow. Apparently she was very cool. How does she feel about the anus? Well, she wasn't – I didn't get to ask her because I didn't get her to ask. We didn't often get celebrity guests on my show because perhaps of the nature of the topic. Too anal?

Very anal. Sure. A lot of sexy. I mean she's known for being on a family show. Too anal. Very anal. Sure. A lot of sexy. I mean, she's known for being on a family show. Right. She's got an image. So it's not really going to be her brand is to go on Get In Bed, probably. She's a good looking lady.

Yeah. IRL. Confirmed. Confirmed. Topanga's hot IRL. Yeah. Hey, listen, Sarah. I met Winnie Cooper once. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, Danica McKellar. Also pretty hot IRL. Yeah. Hey, listen, Sarah. I met Winnie Cooper once.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, Danica McKellar. Also pretty hot IRL. Really good at math. Wrote a book about math. Yeah, a book about math. Mm-hmm.

Anyway, continue. I was trying to be a funny person, then I met IRL. Oh, yeah. I failed. Well, we'll think of it later. It was sort of Sarah's job. Yeah. Brian, would you drop something funny in here later?

Brian's going to drop in a third reference. Okay, great. Matthew Lasko. Great. He's pretty hot. Matthew Willard? No. He's pretty hot.

Skeet Ulrich? Skeet Ulrich. Someone from Scream 1. Sarah, if you're in New York City, Sarah has a cool holiday stand-up show at The Pit, the People's Improv Theater. Yes. On December 22nd. It's a Saturday, December 22nd, 9.30pm. It's $10. It's me and

Claudia Kogan splitting an hour of comedy. It is called Elf Actualization. Which is a pun. Which is a pun. It's a wacky pun. And it's going to be a really, really, really, really, really awesome time. So The Pit, Saturday, December 22nd, 9.30 p.m.

Come hang out with us. I will drink with you afterwards at The Pit Bar, which is an awesome bar. That Pit Bar is good. Isn't it wonderful? It's so elegant and pretty. Definitely one of the best, like, attached to a comedy place bars. Absolutely. Hey, can I talk about some live stuff?

Yeah, of course. If you mind. Hey, can I talk about some live stuff? Yeah, of course. If you mind. December 6th, I will be at the Westside Comedy Theater doing a holiday for cancer research benefit. Oh, hilarious. Also doing this show, Greg Fitzsimmons, David Koechner. Wow, those are –

Heavy hitters. This is going to be a great show, I think. It's a little pricey, but all the money goes to a good cause, and I think you can buy some more expensive tickets and get like raffle stuff. I think there's some good stuff available in the raffle. West Side Comedy Theater, December 6th. Starts at 8. That's great. Go to West Side Comedy Theater.

Also, I will be doing some comedy in San Francisco at Lost Weekend Video on December 14th. This is a Friday. Also on this show, Vince Mancini, our old co-worker from The Grid. You know, Jordan. Yeah. I think I may still have rental credits at Lost Weekend Video. Oh, yeah? Yeah, tell them you're me.

Rent whatever you want. Great. They got Brass Eye bootlegs. Do I have to return them the next day? I mean. Do I have to come them the next day? I mean- Do I have to come back with them and then go back? Well, otherwise they're going to show up at my mom's house. Oh, yeah.

Trying to ask where their brass eye bootlegs are. Yeah. You know what? That's fine. I'll just shoplift. No. Okay. Okay.

I'll just shoplift. My favorite part about a Lost Weekend video in San Francisco's Mission District, never watching movies. Always hanging out watching the Giants game. There you go. But you know what? I'm fucking all for that. That's fine.

Get into the sporting life. Yeah. Yeah. December 14th, 8 o'clock. It's going to be fun. May I promote a thing? Oh, Jesus. I know.

I'm just. Is it Jesus? It's Jesus. It's his season. I think you all need to get into him. He's the reason for the season. He is a cool fucking dude. No, just my Twitter is at Sarah J. Benincasa.

That's all. Thank you. No, that's great. They should follow you on Twitter. I've been following you for a few days. Yeah, I've been following you for a bit. And you've been doing great. Thank you.

Any religious themes in your tweets? Sacrilegious themes. Religious, anal. Things about the butt and the poops. If you want to read about the poops and the peas and the butts and the gyners, come on over to at Sarah J. Benincasa. We'll talk to you next time. Oh, our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. And Brian Fernandez on the boards.

Thank you, Brian. We'll see you on Sunday. Fernandez on the boards. Thank you, Brian. We'll see you on Sunday. By you, I mean by we, I mean you, me, and all of the listeners who are going to come to our sample soon. Okay, we'll see you next time on Jordan, Jessica.