Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 254: Wood Boner with Eric Drysdale

Episode Date: December 17, 2012

Eric Drysdale from the Colbert Report joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of egg nogs, Jewish holidays, teenaged hobbies, clown skills, and the sad state of biker culture.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

Eric Drysdale from the Colbert Report joins us. And here's a surprise. There's some boner humor. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Cool winter evening in Los Angeles.

Getting ready for Yuletide cheer. I'm already there, Jesse. I've got some nog in my refrigerator waiting to be quaffed. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. What brand of nog? Do you have brand loyalty to a particular nog? Well, in this case, it's a Trader Joe's nog.

Okay. Given the choice. Probably a pretty good nog. I expect if you want a high quality private label food stuff, Trader Joe's is always a good bet. And so for that reason, I expect quality nog from Trader Joe's. Right. Now, I will go the extra mile consistently to purchase a premium nog, given the opportunity. But you're fine with this? I mean, you wouldn't call it a bargain basement nog.

A generic nog? I love nog. Uh-huh. I sometimes make my own nog. Oh. However- Now, is that you just cumming in a crystal punch bowl? Yes.

Okay. Yes. It's just a dash of cinnamon, though. Yeah. Well, you know, a little bit of pomp and circumstance is sexually arousing to me. Sure. You know, a well-set table. Okay.

Is what really gets me off. A gravy boat. Sure. A nice centerpiece. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? These are the things that I'm looking for in a sexual partner. A nice centerpiece.

Yeah, exactly. Nice deep centerpiece. Yeah, exactly. Nice deep gravy boat. Pretty much. So I have some nog waiting for me. Given the choice, a personal favorite nog of mine comes from Mitchell's Ice Cream in San Francisco. And I like a nog that comes in a glass bottle. Okay. Given the opportunity, I will spend the extra $2 to purchase glass bottle nog. I will

not buy the nog that is liquor branded. Right. You're not buying. I'm not buzz marketing any particular liquor branded nogs, but let's just say that America's grocery stores have been invaded by liquor branded nog. Oh boy. For no reason. They don't have the liquor in them already. No, it's not that they have the liquor in them. I mean, you're kind of opening up an old wound for me because this just reminds me of the debacle that is the Bud Light Limerita that contains

no Bud Light. This is a grocery store-ization of the TGI Friday's rule of adding a brand name to every dish. Gotcha. So this is like, as with those liquor barbecue sauces, so with nog. Sure. So you're saying you're avoiding Guy Fieri's fuck you Christmas drink.

I don't fuck with the bullshit is what I'm saying, Jordan. I'm a serious nog man. Now, here's the thing. Careful listeners may have noticed that we missed last week's episode. Yeah. There was no new episode last week. The reason, well, first of all, my friend Jordan Morris was appearing in a motion picture film. Yeah.

The other reason is that I had scheduled an episode without Jordan with our friend Nick Adams and a hilarious guest. I literally could not talk on Saturday. And so that is around when I purchased this nog. It has been sitting unconsumed. So are you saying this is some sort of haunted nog that has stolen your voice? No, no, no. Like a witch? No, I don't think it's a witch.

Okay. For one thing, it's male, so it would be a warlock. Okay. I would say the issue is that I've had this nog for, I'm only now getting my voice back. Okay. We had to have an emergency guest host on Bullseye. You can probably still hear that my voice is a little rich and thick. Still kept up at

night by a chest congestion. I know. It's a sad situation. Totally. And you can't go quaffing nog when you're having a chest congestive situation. Sure. It would cause further problems. Yeah, you're not going to drink nog. You're not going to

eat a handful of Starburst. It's ooey and goo problems. You're not going to, yeah, you're not going to drink nog. You're not going to eat a handful of Starburst. It's ooey and gooey. These things will encourage the mucus. You don't want to encourage the mucus. You don't want to eat something that is essentially candied mucus. Right. When you are having mucus problems. So I've been thinking about this nog every day.

You might hack into like a tissue and then forget which is your nog and which is your mucus. Right. Exactly. Boom. You're eating mucus. And that's a particularly big problem for me because I tend to drink my nog out of a tissue.

You wring it out. Yeah. So I mean- I can see. I think you've followed protocol here. It doesn't sound like- I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit. I have nog ready. So wait. So do trying to get into the holiday spirit. I have nog ready.

So wait, so do you think tonight is the night you drink the nog? I think tonight might be the night that I drink the nog. Congratulations. Because here's the thing. I've got throat coat tea if I need it. You know what I mean? I went out and bought it. I bought some VapoRub.

Sure. I'm prepared. For a rave. I've got menthol for my humidifier. You've got candy necklaces. You've got fur-lined boots. Jordan, no. Jordan, I'm not going to a rave.

I'm ill. Oh, I'm sorry. That's why I can't go to the rave. Oh, I'm sorry you're going to miss the electric rainbow freakout. Should we introduce our guest? Yes. We'll see how he's doing with regard to the holiday spirit. He is a writer for

the Colbert Rapport. Maybe you've heard of the television program. Perhaps you've seen him on television as a stand-up comedian or in character as a 1980s novelty singer, which I recently saw on a telephone comedy. A telephone comedy is a type of comedy that's brought to your telephone

by a friend of yours going on YouTube to show you something because he heard that Eric Drysdale is going to be on your show. Please welcome. I hear those are hot these days. Telephone comedies? Yeah, absolutely. Didn't NBC just buy a bunch of Dane Cook telephone comedies? They did.

Yeah, Dane Cook's been going around town pitching telephone comedies. Eric Drysdale. Hello, Mr. Drysdale. How are you, sir? I'm good. How are you? I see you've taken some notes. What have you got so far?

Well, I don't know what Nog is. I mean, I know that it exists as a – Sure. But I don't really know what NAWG is. I know that I'm a Jew. Uh-huh. Let's get that out of the way. This is not a restricted podcast.

Ah, phew. You may not accompany us to the country club after this. All right. I understand. And certainly we're not going to get married. Okay. Our parents. I understand. And certainly we're not going to get married. Okay. Our parents wouldn't approve. So I've had enough nog to know that I don't like it, which means like a sip and it was probably 20 years ago.

Right. It was some kind of pancake mix. Is that right? Yes. It is. It's a drinkable custard essentially. Yeah. What is that? What's that state of matter that's between a liquid and a solid? It's a drinkable custard essentially. Yeah.

What is that? What's that state of matter that's between a liquid and a solid? Like a plasma? A plasma. Yeah. A nog. A nog. A nog. Yeah.

Yes. You're the one with the physics degree. We should be deferring to you about this, Eric. But so – I'm sorry. So what is it exactly? It's an ectoplasm. It's excreted by a ghost. It really is essentially a custard.

So it does actually have milk in it. I mean milk and eggs. And sometimes buttermilk, right? And cream. I don't believe there's buttermilk in it. Okay. I don't remember putting buttermilk in it. And it's not always alcoholic?

No. The alcohol is optional. So often it will be served with alcohol next to it so you can add your own alcohol out of the amount that you'd like to add. I myself don't drink, so I prefer a non-alcoholic not. I do that same thing with pizza. Right. Sure. I know not everyone wants alcoholic pizza.

What do you usually have with pizza? Dessert wine? Like a nice cognac. Yeah, sure. But honestly, whatever's around. Yeah, I'll drink, if it comes to it, brandy, vodka. I'll just have like a Hawaiian with vodka. That's nice.

That is really good. Yeah. I'm sorry. So back to the nog. Yeah. What's a Hawaiian you're That is really good. Yeah. I'm sorry. So back to the nog. Yeah. What's a Hawaiian you're going to put rum on it? I'm sorry. Okay.

Excuse me. Is there actually egg in egg nog? Yes. That's what makes it custard-like. So you actually cook the – you temper the egg in, you know, like you would if you were making custard. You just don't thicken it as – you don't make it as hot and make it as thick as you would custard. And is it – are there other kinds of nog other than eggnog or is it like whole slaw and it's the only kind of slaw there is? You know what I think is that I think it is a vestigial beverage from the days when American alcoholic beverages were almost exclusively dairy-based.

So I think that – Is that true? Yes. I think that cocktails, mixed drinks specifically, there was always beer and cider and wine and just straight liquor. But mixed drinks, the idea of cocktails, as I understand it, and I'm no Dr. Cocktail. If you want to talk to Dr. Cocktail, you're going to have to go to Ted Haig, a.k.a. Dr. Cocktail. All right. But as I understand it, previous to like, I don't know, the middle of the 19th century or something like that, most mixed drinks in the United States had dairy.

That's gross. in the United States had dairy. That's gross. And so this is one of the – this is the last remaining dairy mixed drink that we drink. And it may be that nogs in general may describe dairy-based mixed drinks. Oh, interesting. It might just be custardy ones. And do people enjoy eggnog or is it something that you kind of put up with on the holidays?

I love eggnog. Okay. So there are people that love it. I do not love it. Okay. Too gross. Some people have strong negative associations with eggnog, but I think it's delightful. I love it. I can't get enough.

It's like ice cream. It's like a beverage version of ice cream. Everybody likes ice cream though. Right. But that's why I don't understand why people don't like mug. I think it's just I think it's just it's just I mean a big part of it is just texture. I think it's like it feels

like something that you should be eating rather than drinking. Right. So it feels wrong. Merry Christmas everybody. Like bringing a Jew to the country club just feels a little weird. Eric are you enjoying the holiday season? I sort of don't let – I guess the short answer is it's fine, but I don't – I'm not really a holiday season kind of guy.

What parts of the holiday season, both as a child and as an adult, do you participate in? For example, do you participate in a Hanukkah celebration as a child or as an adult? I do. We light the candles, me and my wife, and we exchange a present or two. But that's about the extent of it. Is your wife also a Jew? Yes. Yes.

She's a Jewess. So you don't have to – you don't have to have any complicated – Thank you. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. She's a great girl. I like a Jewess.

So there are no complications. Do both of you have similar levels of religious observance? Yes. Because I know many people like myself, I'm not a religious person, but I do enjoy celebrating Christmas as a secular holiday. Yeah. We're not terribly Jew-y. We're – But you'll break out a dreidel from time to time.

There hasn't been a dreidel out this time. You're hoping to get gimel, if I remember correctly. I think so. I think so. From what I understand, the dreidel games and the kind of air quotes fun stuff that goes along with Hanukkah, that is something that I have heard from Jews that is like a thing you tolerate. Like that's not – or do you remember actually having fun with those? I remember actually having fun with that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. There are cool Jewish religions like holidays that I feel like Judaism would do, would have some better PR.

There's a holiday called Lagba Omer. Do you know about this holiday? No. Tell me about this holiday. It's a scouting holiday. Okay. So where you go out and survey? Where you go out and survey? Absolutely. You're supposed to do orienteering and fire bows and arrows, shoot bows and arrows. Wow. What?

Yeah. I don't know when it is. What is this in recognition of? You know what? I have no idea. I just know that that's super cool. But I'm sorry I don't. Well, our producer, Brian, went to Christian college. So I don't know if he knows this off the top of his head, but he knows how to use Google.

Yeah. What is Lagva Omer about? But yeah, that always seemed to me like, why aren't they putting more emphasis on that one? It seems like they should also put a little more PR weight behind Fa'ak Fest. Fa'ak Fest? That's where – no, it's a fake Jewish holiday I thought about. Sorry. It's probably offensive.

But yeah, Hanukkah is really fun. Yeah. Especially if there are kids around and – okay. Yeah, yeah. How do you feel – let me ask you this. How do you feel about some people's concerns that Hanukkah becomes overblown because people are trying to make it equivalent, falsely equivalent to Christmas? Absolutely. Because you're not on board with that.

I'm not on board with that. You want a nice, modest Hanukkah celebration. Look, you're going to light some candles to celebrate how long the oil lasted. Yom Kippur is when you're going balls to the wall. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. That's when the oil lasts. Yom Kippur is when you're going balls to the wall. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. That's when the party happens. Is there a Jewish holiday that's associated with hard drinking or Purim?

Okay. You're supposed to actually get – you're supposed to get so drunk you can't tell good from evil. What? And then the bow and arrows come out. Yeah, it has to do with the – Really? Is that an actual – And then the bow and arrows come out. Yeah, it has to do with the story of Esther and some one of the characters. This is terrible because I know all the fun things about the holidays, but I have no reason why they do.

I have no recollection of why they happen that way. But, yeah, there's apparently somebody is drunk and does the wrong thing in that story. There's not like a Talmud time at the Drysdale household? Not really. This is all stuff left over from Hebrew school. I would have enjoyed learning about – Yeah, a holiday where you're supposed to get so drunk you don't recognize good from evil. But is that like – now is that like a – God, whatever that precursor to Lent is, Fat Tuesday, is that like a – we're about to be observant, but now let's revel in our what have yous?

No, I think it has to do with that story, the story of Haman and Esther and that stuff. Yeah. and Esther and that stuff. Yeah. While we're on the subject of Judaica, I already have one child. His name is Simon. But I had a really strong desire to give him like a super Old Testament slash Hebrew Bible-ish name. Now, I will say I myself have an Old Testament name.

However, I will also say that most of the ones that I really be transgressive or transgressing if I gave my child an Old Testament name that seemed too Jew-y like Herschel or something. Right. Were you actually considering Herschel? I wasn't specifically considering Herschel. Yeah. Moishe, though. But those names are sincerely very appealing to me. I like how solid they feel.

What was the Jewiest one you considered? I'm trying to remember. I mean, we had some talk of like a Shlomo or something. No, you didn't talk about Shlomo. Not seriously. I think that crosses the line. I think we can all agree Shlomo. If there's a line that crosses it, I think you can go with a Josh.

Herschel, I could just say that I'm naming him after Herschel Walker, legendary Minnesota Vikings running back. Sure. And Olympic bobsled team member, Herschel Walker. What about Oral? Oral Hershizer was an evangelical Christian, as I recall. That's an Old Testament name? Oh, and I guess Oral Roberts. Yeah, I guess I think of Oral as like a Jewish name.

But yeah, I guess it's as – I don't think I know a single person, Jewish person named Oral. Okay. Do you know a non-Jew named Oral? Only Oral Roberts. And Oral Hershiser. I don't know who that is, but yes, sure. That's probably a sports person.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah. Apologies. That's okay. I don't know. What do you think – where do you guys think the line is between Josh and Shlomo? I think it's very far apart. I think Josh is great.

I think you can get away with the Max. I don't know if that's really, I associate it as a Jewish name, but it's probably not an Old Testament name. I spent the weekend in Joshua Tree recently. That was lovely. Not particularly Jew-y. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm not talking about... I don't want to name

my child David. Shlamy? I mean, Moishe? I think that's going too far. What about a Moishe? I think that's going too far. I think that you're going to run into trouble.

What if I say I'm... I don't know what kind of trouble. Moshe Kasher. You could. Just name Moshe Kasher Thorne. I think you're still going to have the same problem. You really enjoyed his book. That's what we'll say.

I don't know what the problem is though. I know that it would – Right. That's the part that I'm so – You feel like it's wrong but you don't know why or who would care. Yeah. Yeah. Probably no one.

Like if you introduced your son to me as Mosishe, I would find that very unusual. Yeah. But I don't know what I would think about that. Yeah. It would be very strange. But I guess just the thing with names is that they just ebb and flow out of popularity. Like I think my name I always felt like was a little strange growing up. I was definitely the only Jordan.

But, you know, I think a couple years after me, like my sister's age, she's in her mid 20s. Like there's a lot of Jordans, both male and female. So, yeah, I felt like I had a little bit of a weirdo name, you know, until I was, you know, 13 or 14. And then more Jordan started popping up. I think so. Here's the thing. I think Jordan is an interesting name because I think Jordan is a name that suggests the Old Testament while still being super Christian-y.

Sure. Right? Totally. Yeah. Like the River of. Yeah. River of. Jesus was in it.

So, yeah. But, yeah, I mean, I guess you just think of like the country of Jordan in the Middle East where, you know, Jewish stuff happens. Could I name my child Barack Obama? I think that's fine. I bet you you could. But that's his whole first name is Barack Obama. Barack Obama.

Thorne. Barack Obama. Just two names. Barack Obama. Thorne. You should name him Jack Reacher. From the billboards? Yeah.

From the popular billboards? That name sounds so funny if you just put the accent a little bit different. Like saying Jack Reacher is kind of funny, but saying Jack Reacher I think is very funny. Yeah. Anyway. Do you know Werner Herzog is the villain in that movie? What? Yes.

Like as an actor? Yes. It's his first acting role. He's the villain. That's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm going at midnight on Thursday. I hope they let him improvise. Me too.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucking Werner does one for the script and then you just let him I hope they let him improvise. Me too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fucking Werner does one for the script, and then you just let him go. You let him off the – like Vince Vaughn. You just write down on a piece of paper, man's eternal conflict with nature. Hand it to him. He opens it up and just goes. Goes.

Right? He's just off to the races. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think we've all wanted to see Werner Herzog and Tom Cruise in an action movie together. Except for the fact that it's a Tom Cruise movie called Jack Reacher. Yeah. That seems like a downside. There was one name that I really was thinking. Maybe it was Solomon.

Solomon. Yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah. Right? I mean, it's- That to me, though- Look, it's a Christian Bible, too. Saul.

To me, yeah. Saul? What about Saul? I think you get away with Saul. Yeah. S-O-L. You'd have to have a nickname for him until he turns 60 because it just seems old man-y. Well, I like old man names.

I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah. Our whole goal in naming our child is to sort of warp the child away from teenageriness and towards premature old man-ness. You know what I think people would infer if your kid had a name like a Solomon or Herschel or something? Because you guys are non-Jewish, non-religious, educated people. I think it would read as hippie. It would read as a hippie call. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, like maybe that was the guy who, you know, brought you some water at Burning Man one year or something. We also considered naming him Maple Tree. Yeah. I don't know if that would read as, no, not at all. Oh, okay. Absolutely not. fish with a ph yeah i just read an entire article in the new yorker about the grateful dead

oh yeah i've heard that's great i yeah about the archivist sure yeah and i at the end of it i was like uh yeah i hear i mean mean what – Still not interested. I don't want to like The Grateful Dead. You know, I don't want that in my life. Right. Because you're signing up for something. Yeah. Here's what I would want out of that article and that's why it was like – I want that to be something that I don't – like I don't – I will never be into The Grateful Dead but I want it to be something I don't actively hate.

Like I don't – I will never be into The Grateful Dead but I want it to be something I don't actively hate. Like I would not – I would like someone to explain it to me in a way that makes it seem not dumb because right now it seems dumb. And I know it's not. Like I know like music fans like Grateful Dead and a lot of people love them and intelligent people do. But right now it just seems dumb to me and I cannot get around it. Like I need a way in to where I can get it. Like I will never listen to it there are a pretty small number of music fans that love the grateful dead yeah mostly grateful dead fans love the grateful dead i'm not going to dispute the intelligent part yeah i actually know a little

about this because i tried once oh yeah let's hear um and the the way in is through the albums um abraxis and american beauty because they're sort of like – I feel like maybe they're like records and they don't like go on 40-minute jams. But I think that anybody who goes into the Grateful Dead thinking that they're going to get it from two CDs, like that's not the point of the Grateful Dead. It's like going out and going to all the concerts and doing the drugs. It seems like an experience. It's like a lifestyle choice. It's not like a thing that you put on your iPod. I found it very interesting in that New Yorker article to read about the different kinds of people who make that lifestyle choice.

I thought that was very interesting. Like I was pretty unfamiliar with Preppy, Grateful Dead guy, which I think is an East Coast thing. I mean there's not really preppy guys that much in the West Coast anyway. But that was totally foreign to me. Like I knew plenty of hippies that liked the Grateful Dead of all age categories. But not guys – that kind of like northeastern – College guys. Yeah.

Like kind of Ivy Leaguers who instead of wanting to be in a frat want to chill out and relax. Sure. Take it easy. Yeah, like that is a group of people that I don't know about. I know a couple of people like that. Yeah? That they're just – yeah. Did you go to a major Northeastern university?

You went to Brown University. No, I went to Emerson. Went to Emerson. Yeah. Is that major? I don't think so. Look. It's major in certain contexts.

Sure. But yes, those people exist those uh what do they they like drive around old valvo sarah sarah sarah ben and casso is the hippies i was saying sarah ben and casso is an emerson person so you're back to we've had back-to-back emerson i guess yeah i think yeah she was uh after my time. Also tough Grateful Dead fans. Bikers. I believe that. That to me makes more sense than preppy guy.

Like angry biker types. You know what I think would help me with that lifestyle is like if I could like do shrooms and get a blowjob behind the chill out tent. And then I would love whatever was playing while that was happening. I think it's probably just because I've never been to the thing. Right. But that would probably work for, you know, Engelberg Humperdinck. Yeah, right. Can I ask you a tangentially related question? Sure.

And then we'll take our first break. R.E. Humperdinck. 40 minutes into the show. Is there any subcultural group that has fallen as far as the biker, the motorcycle enthusiast? Yeah, it seems like it. I guess my question would be, is that in turnaround because of Sons of Anarchy, which I have never seen? But is that bringing some dignity back to the biker? Because I guess it is a, quotation marks, serious drama.

There are still – I don't think it is a, quotation marks, serious drama. OK. Sons of Anarchy. I think it is a silly action show. Gotcha. But it's sort of brutal and that's what – OK. I have never seen it.

I'm not really sure what you're talking about because I think that if you think about what the golden age of that was, it was Altamont. Altamont, yeah, right. Where a bunch of people got killed. So what – like culturally, was there a time when they were – Well, I mean there's like a Marlon Brando. Like Easy Rider or something. Yeah, Easy Rider would also be another example. When it was like a sign of freedom and rebellion and stuff like that.

And I think that to some extent those people maybe still exist and there's still some, there's definitely still drug gangs that are motorcycle based. And you know, there's that rally that Sarah Palin went to. Sturgis? Are we talking about Sturgis? Now that's the part that's sad.

That's the part that I'm talking about. That's just fat old guys. Is it? I don't know. I think that it's a – could they – I mean – Now, I will say I've only seen it as a subplot on American Pickers. Okay. But when you see it on American Pickers, it genuinely looks like the dopiest thing in the history of the world.

Yeah. You know, it seems to me like – Everyone is 60. It occupies kind of a similar place that surfing does. It's like before that was a countercultural thing you could do. But now it kind of helps if you want to do it to be rich. Uh-huh. You know, like all the places you can surf are pretty expensive to live by.

Surfing stuff is pretty expensive. You know, it implies a certain amount of leisure time that you have. So yeah, it's like motorcycle shit's probably expensive, right? Like, who can have that and a car? Yeah. So probably just like a rich guy. I think people don't have cars. I think that people use their

motorcycles. Oh yeah? Yeah. Okay. They go around on their motorcycles? Yeah, they're motorcycle guys. They ride motorcycle places. Are the only motorcycle guys that I've known in my real life were gay motorcycle guys, and they were dorks. They were middle-aged dorks. Yeah. I guess that's where I see it now, but without the gay part. It's just like, oh, this is something dad does on the weekend when he wants to feel like not dad.

And that is so far from Marlon Brando. You know what I mean? Right. That distance, even more than surfer. Yeah. Oh, totally. You know what I mean? enterprising entrepreneur who is rich surfer douchebag is not so far from Southern California beach bum surfer douchebag.

Sure. You know, locals only guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, sure, one is richer than the other. Right. But that's the main difference. One has three roommates. Yeah.

Three roommates. Yeah. But the distance covered between the guys on American Pickers and Marlon Brando is so vast. It boggles my mind. Yeah. I mean, it's like, what do you want out of your motorcycle is the question. Do you want to be Marlon Brando or do you want to get from one place to another? Or do you, like some people, like the machine? Like it's a beautifully, it can be a beautifully

designed machine and people like that aspect of it. Do you think, I think those people think they're cool and badass. It is the least cool and badass thing I can think of in the world. I'm not as judgmental about it as you are, Jesse, I don't think. I think that there

is like the fetishization of the machine and it can be a remarkable machine. They're very efficient. They're beautiful and shiny. I think that people can get into that. They rumble your balls.

The business with the getting together in big clubs and making them as loud as you can. Like, I don't know about that stuff. Yeah. But I think having a motorcycle isn't. I don't think owning a motorcycle is, you know, is anything to be frowned upon. I'm talking specifically. My sister is a motorcycle owner and driver.

I'm talking specifically. There's a specific motor. Now, there are a variety of motorcycle subcultures. I'm talking about the kind. There's monkeys on motorcycles. I'm talking about the kind. Oh, that sounds so cute. I'm talking about fat bats.

Russian bear on motorcycle. I'm basically talking about that one movie with William H. Macy and Tim Allen. Oh. Wild Hogs. Yes, Wild Hogs. That's the people that I'm talking about that one movie with William H. Macy and Tim Allen. Oh. Wild Hogs. Yes, Wild Hogs. That's the people that I'm talking about here. Now, there are totally are – People who look like Dog the Bounty Hunter but are not bounty hunters.

There's people who ride super fast Japanese motorcycles. There's people who ride dirt bikes. But those are not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the specific category of dude with his arms out riding on the freeway going, oh. You know that guy I'm talking about? How do you know that guy? And that guy is the same guy as Marlon Brando and the same guy as Easy Rider. But now he's doing – he's literally the least cool man in the world now. You know what I mean?

Just because he's inconsiderate because the pipes are loud? No, because he's such a fat dork. It's the inconsideration of the loud, that stuff that really gets me. It's not the posing. He's like a guy with a powerboat. They're posers of all stripes, and we have to deal with that. Sure. I know, but I don't think there's any cool people left doing that.

But it's such a huge subculture. It is a huge cultural phenomenon in our country. Sturgis, the thing, the big motorcycle rally, like hundreds of thousands of people go to that. Hundreds. Multiple hundreds. 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. That's true. Or 50 million.

Is it 50 million? Probably 50 million. Those are both big numbers. I'll take 1,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. That's true. Or 50 million. Is it 50 million? Probably 50 million. Those are both big numbers. I'll take 1,000 personally. I'm going to go 5,000. I'm undercutting you. I'm using a Price is Right type strategy. 5,000 Elvis fans could be wrong.

I'm lowballing you. I'm lowballing both you guys. Elvis can't be wrong. Sure. He cannot. No. That's why I'm eating this peanut butter and banana sandwich right now. Yep.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of MaximumFun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, MaxFunCon West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to Max Fun Con before, get ready to reunite with your old friends.

And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at maxfundcon.com. So act fast. Max Fund Con pretty much always sells out. You don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to maxfundcon.com. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the state and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. Risk is the latest addition to the roster of podcasts at Maximum Fun,

and it is jam-packed with unforgettable stuff. Your favorite writers, comedians, even fans like you, share X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising Risk can be. Both radio-style stories and stories told at our live shows,

you've heard people say, oh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at Risk, we say screw that. Anything goes. So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend. Look us up at MaximumFun.org or Risk-Show.com. Or, of course, just go to Podcast at the iTunes Store and search for Risk. Risk! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Jordan and Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Eric Drysdale, trainee. By the end of the show, we'll see where you get to, Eric. By the end of the show, manager. Maybe associate. People advance very fast in this business. A lot of people quit. Host. That's true. Big turnaround.

Big turnaround. Yeah. Eric, do we have a holiday update? Yes. Well, we've learned that Lagaba Omer is the 33rd day of the counting of the Omer, which is the 49 days between Pesach and Shavuot. Right. Pesach. Sure.

I don't think you need to explain this. It's stuff everybody knows. Passover and- It gets to the good stuff. And Shavuot being the birthday for the Torah, basically. Right. Okay. And yes, it is indeed a holiday of-

This is, by the way, Wikipedia. I didn't just remember this. They looked this up. Yeah. And yeah, it is indeed a holiday of bows and arrows and shooting bows and arrows, camping, outdoors activities, bonfires. Wow. But we do not know why this holiday is celebrated in this way. I don't know.

I bet that, like, rascally Jewish children behind their parents back call it log boner. Probably think that. I also think that. You know what I think? I think if there is any group, if there's any occupational group represented in the Jordan Jesse Goh audience, it is rabbis. And there's no doubt that there are... Now, these will be reformed rabbis. Probably. If you're in a reformed synagogue, you're going to have this fucking field day

that's in the Talmud. This Talmudic field day is definitely on, no matter what type of Judaism you're practicing. The thing is, I don't remember it being a thing. Like, I went to Hebrew school, and there was not a big deal made of Bog Bomber that I can remember. Well, action item, rabbis. I know.

And other Talmudic scholars. Right. They're out there. Independents. Yeah, sure. Indie scholars. No Kabbalists, though. Yeah, no Kabbalists, please. Yeah. Only actual there. Independence. Yeah, sure. Indie scholars. No Kabbalists, though. Yeah, no Kabbalists, please.

Yeah. Only actual religions. Madonna may participate. Yeah, sure. Exception for Madonna. Madonna wants to come in here. We're not going to turn her away. I don't know if we should give Madonna a bow and arrow.

That's true. That's true. She's got the strength in the arms. Yeah. That's true. That's true. She's got the strength in the arms. Yeah.

So what I'm saying is, can you please tell us why a field day specifically? That I couldn't figure out. Because we couldn't figure this out. So rabbis out there. The bow and arrow is apparently, and again, I'm skimming from Wikipedia, has to do with the fact that there's a rainbow because God said that he would never – this is on the Wikipedia page that God said that he would never destroy the world by a flood again. Also some kind of Noah's Ark holiday. Well, that part of it is.

He said he would destroy – if he had to destroy the world. It would be a rain of arrows. A plague of leprechauns. He said no more floods. Okay. So don't worry about flooding. He said no more floods. Okay. So don't worry about flooding. Well, he hasn't kept that. Well, he didn't end the world.

Right, but there has been floods. Isn't that what the TLC song No Floods is about? Yeah. Yeah. But seriously. You're driving along, sticking your head out the window. Sure. I know we have, I'm going to say in our audience, 10 to 15 rabbis.

That's fair. And I think that's a baseline. That's a baseline. That's my guarantee that we have 10 to 15 rabbis. Do you think rabbis listen the day it comes out or do you think the rabbis like save them up and then listen to like two or three back to back? Well, I mean, it depends how observant they are and what day it comes out. It always comes out on Monday. So we're safe there.

Yeah. Now, are you – I hope that you're not making fun of rabbis here. No, not at all. Do you sincerely believe that you have 10 rabbis? Yes. I definitely think. Okay. Look, there are certain groups of people –

Okay, because I want to defend rabbis because I've had really great rabbis in my day. Personally, every time I walk down Fairfax Avenue, I get a corned beef sandwich shoved into my hands by a fan. Yeah. So. Oh, excellent. Okay, good. I know. Sincerely, this is not any kind of joke.

I think that we definitely, I feel like, and again, specifically, I would say reform rabbis. I would say the rabbi equivalent of a youth minister. However, I do think that they're definitely represented in our own. I bet we have some progressive lady rabbis as well. That's what I'm thinking. That's the core of our – and cool dad rabbis. Sure. Those are the two main types.

Is Claude Bredeser actor count? He's not a rabbi. He probably doesn't listen though. He's just a rabbi. He probably doesn't listen though. He's just a Jewish person. Well, I've had some awesome, awesome rabbis. One story that is like a quintessential rabbi story, like it has a rabbi punchline. Like it's just, it's a sweet little thing that I was out with a friend in Vancouver, was living there. And I was learning how to juggle.

I was a teenager, and I was juggling. So you were one of the cool kids. Yeah, yeah. You were like a jock. Yeah, kind of. I know your type. Well, yeah. That's a sport, right?

You were the one shoving my head in the toilet during free period. Exactly. I know your type. Juggling, doing push-ups, the usual. Walking along the street with a friend, learning how to juggle. Is it tough to juggle while getting a blowjob? I have that problem a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. Not that close of a friend. So walking, and it was a Saturday, and I run into the rabbi from my congregation Rabbi Kahana and he not the Rabbi Kahana a different Rabbi Kahana and he I say is it okay oh I was embarrassed and I said is it okay to juggle on

Shabbat and he said it is mandatory that's a real thing that actually happened that's great that's the kind of rabbi that's listening to jordan as he go sure with one with a lot of good one-liners yeah that's fun that is fun like that's a rabbi dropping rabbinical wisdom sure rabbis out there we need some wisdom about this field day so 206-9844-4FUN. Give us a call. Give us a little more background on this,

more than we can just get from Wikipedia. And look, if you're an independent Talmudic scholar, if you're at the Foundation for American Progress, Talmud Division, if you're at the Heritage Foundation, if you're at the People for the American Way, Talmud Division. If you're at the Heritage Foundation, if you're at the People for the American Way, Talmud Division again. Give us a call, 206-94-4-FUN. But do mention, if you're not an actual rabbi, I mean, I want to know what's coming from a rabbinical source and what's coming from an independent interpretive source. Yeah, we don't want one of these fly-by-night kind of get-a-post-office-box kind of rabbis.

If you just worked as a key grip on the movie Pi, that doesn't qualify you to give us advice on this topic, okay? Just if there's any key grips or best forms. If you did shrooms and went to see Life of Pi, I would like to hear about what that was like. Yeah, what was that like? I think that qualifies as a Talmudic education. 206-9844-FUN or jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Can I say the one thing on this juggling topic? Okay.

took the opportunity when a listener called in to talk about attending a circus class to discuss my feelings about circus skills. In short, I am opposed to them. Specifically, I

am opposed to their acquisition. Now, I did receive some blowback. And sadly, blowback is not when you do shrooms and go behind a tent. In this case, the blowback came from a listener named Matt Ricardo, who is – I knew him as a put-this-on reader. He contacted me once. Or actually, I read somebody sent me something about an interview that he did where he talked about how the clothes that he wore were very important to his work. And I posted on put-this-on.

And then he sent me a tweet and said, hey, I read put-this-on. So at that time, I went on the internet. I typed his name into the internet. I wonder what this guy's act is because it's something like Neo-Vaudevillian. He does something pretty spectacular. I mean, I'm sure he has a variety of things in his act. But the thing that I saw him do was a really great thing where you know that thing that a magician does where they pull a tablecloth off from a fully set table and everything stays there, right? So Matt, quite brilliantly, does this in reverse. He has a

fully set table with no tablecloth and he puts a tablecloth on the table underneath the stuff, which is pretty fucking impressive. Sure. Amazing. Now, I want to be absolutely clear. If you have amazing circus skills like this, I am impressed by that.

I... I want to hang out with the person while they're learning to do that. Yes. So I want to watch it, especially if it's short. And as Matt pointed out in his email to us, I did invite him on Jordan Jesse Go, both because he seemed like a fun guy and because I

was like, I bet he can do some crazy shit that everyone would be like, holy shit. Sure. Great for a podcast. Right. So you want the most visual trick possible for a podcast. Is this your card? It is. That was my card.

However, people – so the highest levels of the circus skill community who have these amazing skills with the possible exception of Penn Jillette seem – are amazing to me and I support them. Okay? Penn Jillette seems like a dick. Sure. Now, I want to be clear. Teller from Penn and Teller seems like a peach. Teller seems great. From everything I've heard, he was a great guy.

I hear you. Penn Gillette just seems like kind of a peach. Do you read that thing about how Teller is trying to like trademark his magic tricks? Yeah. And he's fighting these people who have been stealing some of their signature stuff. Yeah. I thought that was great and it made me love Teller. And I cannot stand Penn. I will tell you that –

Penn is like the kind of guy who's like one of my worst kind of – Teller has interacted with some of my public radio colleagues in a public radio context. And they have nothing but the absolute most glowing – these are people who I really like and I really trust their opinion. And they have absolutely glowing things to say. They say he is a perfect gentleman, a wonderful man, a brilliant and amazing. to say. They say he is a perfect gentleman, a wonderful man, a brilliant and amazing. However, the sad truth is that one acquires these skills through years of being the most annoying person in the world. There is no way to learn circus skills because of the intensity of the training involved and the type of people who are doing this with you without being annoying almost all of the time.

You disagree, Drysdale? Well, I think that there are two things going on here. I think you're conflating magic skills and circus skills. Okay. And I don't know if there's – Look, if you're a Kazakh and you happen to be really good at bareback horse riding, that's a circus skill I'm exempting here. Okay. I'm talking about your American teens who are going to a class to learn to do things, to do – jump on a trampoline, do things with devil sticks, juggle, do magic tricks.

Yeah, it's like the worst parts of being a drama geek, but like without – with less like charisma maybe. It's embarrassing, I guess, but I would not discourage any teenager from going out and trying to do the devil sticks. I mean that's a rite of passage. Would you not discourage a teenager from – I say learn to be – I say learn to cook. Yeah. I mean I think that everybody – People like cooking. I think everybody like has to like take up something embarrassing. No one likes devil sticks.

I think it is part of – I think it part of teendom is is like getting into something weird and embarrassing absolutely and then like you know it's and it's sometimes you jettison and sometimes you don't but i think that yeah right and then and then if you really become good at it it's no longer embarrassing like it's you you transcend the yeah either you ditch it when you i think you did no but it's like ultimate Frisbee. Well, I think – well, okay. Here's the point I was going to make is that like I think when you learn that that thing you're into is antithetical to getting laid, then you get rid of it. Or you get really good at it and it helps you get laid.

Right. So I think it is this cusp of puberty thing that I think juggling is baseball card collecting, devil sticks, you name it. So, yeah, I think you you either when you hit puberty and want to have sex, you either get so good at it that it helps you or you get rid of it. But I would characterize this as a relatively annoying version of that. Some are more annoying than others, for sure. If someone's really into fishing, it does not bother

me. They might be way more into fishing than I am, and I don't want to go fishing with them. I'm talking about, you know, I'm 17 and my friend is 17. He's really into fishing. My brother got really into fishing as a teenager. It was really weird.

He may still be into fishing. He's probably listening right now. That could have just as easily been devil sticks. That's my point. So my point is that's why you learn to cook. Learning to cook is great. Everyone will love you if you learn to cook. They'll love to eat the things that you make on the way to being good.

It will be a very pleasant skill for you to have. And if you happen, all the intermediary levels of learning to cook are still pretty solid. All the intermediary levels of learning to fish are not bothersome to anyone. You're speaking from the perspective of an adult. And I think it would be very difficult to convince a teenager that it would be cool to cook. Yeah. I think with boys for sure that stigma is going to like. This was an adult in the case of the person that I was guiding away from circus skills.

Okay. Not that you would necessarily. Oh, my God. What was I talking about? I don't know. I look I'm not going to blame teenagers for doing weird dorky things. Yeah, right. I will encourage them to do other things that are less annoying, though.

Well, the thing is, is that is in the in the mind of a teenager is cooking less dorky than doing – No, but it's less annoying. Yeah, you're less – yeah. I mean definitely your sense of – It's definitely less annoying. You just have a warped sense of what's dorky and what's not when you're a teenager and you just – yeah. I think you're just going to make some mistakes. You're just going to make a lot of mistakes.

I got it. I mean if I like catalog all my old hobbies. But does that mean that we should write off all teenagers and consign them to devil sticks? Yes. The thing is, is that I think that what another thing that people that teenagers get out of the devil sticks is like I can go into my room and do this and close the door and put on the music and it's something I can control. And like chemical brothers. Yeah. And I don't and I don't think that I don't think that cooking gives that same sense of escape.

I'm going to go into the kitchen where mom hangs out and do what mom does in the kitchen. Yeah, I guess. I'd rather they collect rocks. There's an implied. Part of the thing about circus skills specifically is that part of it is you imposing yourself on others. I see what you're saying. You see what I mean? That's why I think the most true thing said is that Jordan said it's all the worst parts of being a drama geek.

Like the drama geekery is bad and embarrassing. And Jordan and I were both – I went to theater high school. I did theater four hours a day for four years. Okay. Yeah. But I think that's – I mean that was our devil sticks though. That was our devil sticks and what we used it for is like we didn't become theater people. Like you and I aren't at the Ashland Shakespeare Festival right now.

We kind of took some of those skills and mutated into like comedy, which is more socially acceptable, which still has a dorkery to it, but is – I mean who do you want to hang out more with, a Shakespearean summer stock actor or a comedian? Probably the comedian. Yeah. So yeah, but I mean we – I think we definitely ditched our drama dorkery, but – To some extent. To some extent. You may be overstating the extent to which we've ditched our drama.

Sure. No, no, no. I mean, it's still there. I guess ditched is the wrong word, but I guess made it made it not embarrassing. Look, I'm not totally embarrassing. Again, I'm not saying I'm not going to blame teenagers for anything that they do. All teenagers do weird, awkward things. We all did as teenagers, et cetera, et cetera. weird, awkward things we all did as teenagers, et cetera, et cetera. I also am not going to impugn those with amazing skills. Yeah. I think amazing skills are amazing even though I would never want to acquire amazing skills. God, I mean, this is some weird – I bet it's like this weird like powering through or this kind of – there's this all or nothing quality to it.

Because I bet the guy who swooshes the tablecloth under all the stuff probably gets laid like crazy. But I bet there was an interim where he didn't. I bet there was an interim where he wasn't. Yeah. Maybe that's the same with like open mic comedians too. I mean like who gets laid less than that? Ballroom dancing? Yeah, ballroom. Take up ballroom dancing.

I don't give a shit. We're going on this assumption. Just don't impose it on me. The part about circus skills is that the person that is learning circus skills wants to show you. Yeah.

And what's bad about that? That's the part that I don't like. I don't want to see it. I hate seeing it. I hate going. Like a juggling. I don't. Like look.

If somebody's an amazing fucking juggler, I would be fine with seeing a little bit of their juggling. In a theater setting. You don't want somebody coming up to you and saying, look at this. I don't know. Like if Jordan – Jordan is a close friend of mine. I care very much about Jordan. Jordan is a close friend of mine. I care very much about Jordan.

If Jordan was really good at juggling and he wanted to show me a juggling thing he could do, I would be like, that's fine. And it would be totally fine. But you have to be really good. Like if Jordan was just learning to juggle, it would annoy me very much if he wanted to show me his juggling. So it's the same thing. It's like a – And people go into circus skills specifically because they want to show you it's like going to see your friends in an open mic or yeah i was gonna say 6 p.m improv show oh um yeah i used to do there in new york there used to be a four o'clock p.m stand-up show that's

when comedy happens at the gotham at the gotham comedy afternoon yeah yeah yeah i mean i guess the late afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess all of this stuff is embarrassing to watch until the person gets good at it. Anyway. Yeah, but a lot of it- Or downright, like for a musician,

sometimes downright unpleasant. Right. Oh, God, yeah, right. Yeah, Friends Band, too. That's, yeah, that's, can be as, that's like amateur juggling,

but it's about an hour long. But here's the thing. Like, the circus skills, they want to impose that upon you at any time. It's not just that they want you to come to their circus show. Sure. Right? You mean their circus.

Like they're just – You mean the circus. They're just doing it. Yeah. Around. Is it possible – And it's all up in your face I remember here's the thing I went to theater high school

and I would say that the four or five most aggressively needy and not necessarily most talented people in my theater high school, where frankly most of the people in my theater high school were at least pretty talented. I mean, you had to get an audition to get in and stuff.

But the people who really were annoying went into circus skills because in circus skills, they're always being annoying. That's the point. Yeah, I guess, you know, now that we're, I mean, I guess the only time that I have really encountered this, like actually face to face is like the quad at UC Santa Cruz. Yeah. Like, so yeah. You never lived in San Francisco. No. So can we enumerate the circus skills that you're talking about?

You're talking about juggling. What else? You're talking about juggling. You're talking about tumbling. Unicycle riding? Unicycle riding big time. Tumbling. See, tumbling I wouldn't have thought.

Tumbling, but not for sport. Okay, so you're saying. Okay, tumbling by non-athletes. You know what I mean? Like, tumbling by people. Fat tumbling? No, I'm just talking about like. Some Okay. It's tumbling by non-athletes. You know what I mean? Like tumbling by people. Fat tumbling? No, I'm just talking about like. Some sort of fatso tumbling.

Like look, there are people who like did gymnastics and then get into tumbling. There's like German guys that are doing tumbling. What do you have against tumbling? Or like Russian guys. It's a hot new social network. No, not the social network. There's nudity on it. All of these people.

Jesse, Tumblr is like Twitter, but with nudity. All of these people are doing it for. Hair tips. Like for exercise. GIFs. Animated GIFs. Athletic competition. And it's not part of my life.

It's not a performative thing that's being pushed in my face. And I don't. It doesn't concern me at all. It's like as though they were a swimmer, you know, or a cyclist. Although cyclists, a lot of times if somebody gets really deep into it, they start wearing those pants in public. All right. But when they're not on the bicycle, you know. Suicidal tendencies hat that doesn't say suicidal tendencies on it.

But tumbling. Okay. So tumbling, devil sticks, clowning. Okay. Crumping. Okay Crumping And I would say As somebody who's

Who in theater school Did some clowning That I think that a lot of Comedy performers Would benefit from doing that Having that as part of their training And just because clowns Are often the worst

Doesn't mean they always Have to be the worst In fact, Ten West Our friends Ten West Both have clowning training And are both fucking brilliant However That was great I saw that show Yeah However, generally it is the worst 10 West, our friends 10 West, both have clowning training and are both fucking brilliant. That was great.

I saw that show. Yeah. However, generally it is the worst. And I'm trying to think of anything else. I mean I'm looping much magic into this. It's not directly in this group but it's related. It's directly. It is related. It's the closest thing that's not necessarily in the group.

Yep. I see it. There's a top hat involved. Yeah. You see the things I'm talking about, right? You can understand what I'm describing. I absolutely understand what you're describing. Yes.

I just wanted to know. One exception for people. Anyone who's learning how to fit the maximum number of people in a tiny car, I'm in support of that. I would like to see you trying to do that. That sounds fun to me. Like car designers. No, no, no, no. No, I'm talking about like 20, 40 people. Minivan designers.

No, no, no, no, no. Like 20 or 40 people in one car. Like an airport shuttle. Like a shuttle going to the airport? No, no, no, no. Like a flyaway shuttle. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Like a flyaway shuttle. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like that parking shuttle in that Dawn of the Dead remake where they put chainsaws out the side? Yeah.

Okay. That was really good. You finally got it. Really good. The clown car's amazing. Yeah. Clown cars and also a clown car sincerely sounds fun to me if someone's bad at it. Well, then it wrecks.

Well, who knows what happens? Yeah. But yeah, unicycle. People go in and never come out. Unicycle is a central one. Well, they come out a different gender. That would be funny. I would say people doing things on a trapeze, but it's not related to gymnastics or whatever.

To trapeze maybe is one of the better ones. Because you can't do that in front of, you can't say, hey, look at this. Trampolining is a big one. That, I don't know what you're referring to. I mean, the only thing I know about trampolining is like- You don't know a lot about taking circus classes. Just through osmosis just having high school friends that took circus classes uh i know about a lot of circus shit and i hate all of it but the trampoline is not a

is not a circus you're rocketing out of the stratosphere of relatability at this point but the trampoline is not a circus end in unto itself that is a people don't do a trampoline act at the circus do do they? Okay. Yeah, they absolutely do. It's called a trampo act. All right. It's not called that,

I don't know. That doesn't seem amazing to me, but I guess it could be. I think, I mean, I think, I guess, I guess, I guess the real world,

I didn't go to theater school, version of this is like, yeah, guy on the quad who's juggling or guy at college. Juggling and unicycling are probably the things

you're most likely to have experience. I saw a guy riding a unicycle down the street in Brooklyn the other day. Sure. And I was like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. You know, hang it up. Wrap this thing up. Put it away. You know?

So you've talked about motorcycle riders and unicycle riders and jugglers. And my sister does all of those things. Went to clown school. Really? Yeah. Is she good at them, though? She is. She's pretty good.

And she can juggle five. I bet it was kind of annoying when she was learning to do those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super annoying. Super annoying. You see why I want – just learn to play the guitar. That's a perfect one. A, when you get good at it, it actually will get you girls.

Sure. And B, the rest of the time, you're just with your three guitar buddies. You're doing it in your bedroom with your headphones on, learning to shred or whatever. You're not getting up in people's business unless you're playing acoustic guitar at parties, which maybe is what you're about to find out. Yeah, yeah. That happens. It happens. That is pretty annoying. It's unfortunate. It happens. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

It's unfortunate and it happens. Yeah, I feel like the amount of times that that – I have been that guy. Really? Oh, yeah. It's brave of you to admit here. This is a safe space. It was a long time ago.

Unless you – except for circus girls. Yeah. Then you will be berated. Does what I'm saying make sense, though, the distinction I'm making? Oh, it makes perfect sense. And then, look, if you're a 17-year-old and for the past five years you've been learning to do close-up magic. It comes from a deep personal place right now. Well, I'm reflecting to you a trauma that I experienced in my teenage years.

Yes. I think there's something about teenagehood that brings this stuff about. Like you're exploring stuff. You're trying to figure out what the hell you're going to do. Sure. Those are the things that cross your transom. That's why

I'm encouraging young people who are out there, get yourself a guitar. Learn to cook. Here's two great hobbies that will bring you tremendous fulfillment well into the future. If you're worried that people don't like you, both of them will make people like you eventually. Have you seen Michael Motion? Have you seen that guy? No. No. Amazing, amazing juggler. If you start saying, hey, no teenagers can go and learn how to juggle now,

we'll never have great jugglers again. I will say that. I'm not willing to live in that world. Juggler free world. I've seen really amazing jugglers and it just upsets me. I think. I do. Even a really amazing juggler, I don't like. Really?

I think we can all agree that Criss Angel set this whole thing back 10 years. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, boy. I don't know much about him. I also watched this documentary about teenage – He's a gothy magic guy. I watched this documentary about teenage magicians.

And I was just – it was so hard to watch it. They were such sweet kids. What were they doing with their lives? Yeah. They were being teenagers. Yeah, I think you- Take some mushrooms. Go out behind the shed.

I guess this is for people that aren't on top of that yet. Or they are. They don't have access to mushrooms or a shed, probably. I bet circus school is a real fuckfest. Oh, I bet. It probably is. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the thing is the hilarious fuckfest.

Right. Absolutely. I think that's the weird thing is that like you start it because you're a kid and then at some point it either gets you laid or doesn't get you laid and you continue with it or don't continue. And I say maybe getting laid is kind of a broader a broader point maybe a broader term for social acceptance okay but also you you want to get a blow job out of it but yeah just like but i guess getting laid can also include i've this got me a friend group or this got me a crew so yeah i think if you get into magic and you just fucking meet some magic dudes who get you and maybe there's a magic girl in the group or guy.

An assistant. Yeah, right. A lovely assistant. That just propels you into geekdom about it. Anyway. But God bless them. There's no doubt about that. I'm just saying. Go to the local commercial kitchen where you can rent a space.

I'm not willing to go. I thought you were with your cool buddies. Make a souffle. Learn to make a souffle. Yeah, that's going to be less annoying. Going up to your friends and saying, you want to try my souffle as a teenager in your high school. Look, I do think also the kids in school. How about a peanut butter cookie?

Everybody likes peanut butter cookies. Even teens love peanut butter cookies. I bet the kids. It would be hard to turn down a peanut butter cookie. I bet the kids in high school who have the cooking club probably get beat up more than the kids who practice magic. No, I don't think that's true. I mean, I guess you could give the bullies some cookies. And there's also girls in the cooking club.

Yeah, but you've been desexualized to them because you're in the cooking club. But they have club. Yeah. But you've been desexualized to them because you're in the cooking club. But they have friends. Yeah. I think that we should let teenagers be teenagers and then we're going to get great circus performers someday.

What about 20-year-olds, though? This is where my concern really starts to blossom. Yeah. I think that you're still figuring it out.

Everybody, yeah. That's why I'm trying to give these people guidance. Everybody de-teens at'm trying to give these people guidance. Everybody deteens at a different rate. I don't think that you can do that. I think that people will follow their magical rainbow where it leads. Rainbows are great.

What if it leads to making me watch juggling? When was the last time someone made you watch juggling? I think this is a deep wound and you need to close it. You need to solder it up. How long has that been? How long has that been? I had to learn to juggle in high school.

Somebody really must have juggled poorly to scar you like this. No, it's the worst when they're good because then they do it for a long time. Because then they do it

for a long time and you have to keep watching. I guarantee you. It's an amazing feat. I'm not going to say it's not an amazing feat. It's just not that great to watch. All right.

I used to do one when I was in my juggling phase and I came up with a trick where I would juggle two balls and a razor and shave while I was... That sounds all right. That's pretty amusing.

Yeah. I bet you I had to go to way more... I'd give that 30 seconds. I bet you I had to go to way more- I'd give that 30 seconds. I bet you I had to go to way more annoying UC Santa Cruz theater parties than you did in my four years. I bet that my high school theater parties at my theater school in high school were more annoying than- Oh, guaranteed. But I'm just saying, it's time to close the wound. I don't want this to be a personal thing that keeps you up at night, you know?

Yeah. Just let it go. Day to day, how many people are juggling in your face these days? Nobody really juggles. I guess now that I have a kid, though, I'm just worried that- Oh, absolutely. We'll go down the wrong path. And I encourage that.

All of a sudden, it's Eric Drysdale. Oh, come on. Wait a minute. What? No. A successful comedy writer- Eric Drysdale's the best. With a job that anyone would kill for? That's like a best case scenario. Yeah. No. A successful comedy writer? Eric Drysdale's the best. With a job that anyone would kill for?

That's like a best case scenario. Yeah. Come on. I've looked at Eric Drysdale's- Would a premium blend with Tommy Davidson perhaps the best premium blend? I've looked at Eric Drysdale's parody Viewmaster reel. It's fucking hilarious. Sure.

Oh, thank you for plugging it. It's delightful. It's called The Man with Feet. It's great. If you have a Viewmaster, you should get it. And if you don't have a Viewmaster, you should get a Viewmaster so you for plugging it. It's delightful. It's called The Man with Feet. It's great. If you have a Viewmaster, you should get it. And if you don't have a Viewmaster, you should get a Viewmaster so you can get it. Thank you very much. We should all just be thankful that we're at a place in our lives where we're not being forced to watch circus skills.

And maybe somewhere in Berkeley, some guy's getting some balls juggled in his face. But you know what? We're here. Nobody's juggling. in his face. But you know what? We're here. Nobody's juggling. Okay. Yeah. But I'm just saying. Maybe there's a guy at a bar downtown with an annoying mustache.

Here's three ideas. Yeah. Basketball, cooking, playing guitar. Okay. Basketball isn't open to everybody. That's true. Okay. Put a hoop.

You can shoot hoops. Shoot free throws behind your house I was not going to be shooting hoops that's why I gave three options and I'm not going to cook because of the reason I mentioned before because my mom's doing it get your own commercial kitchen

a commercial kitchen what about archery archery's probably pretty good that's pretty solid it'll help you out during Jewish field day Yeah, go right in the space and then come back. What about archery? Archery is probably pretty good. Archery is pretty good. That's pretty solid. It'll help you out during Jewish field day. Nobody, nobody, it's... I guess when you're showing your friends that you're bad at it, you could kill them.

You can go to the Olympics. Anything you can go to the Olympics in is solid as far as I'm concerned. Even curling. All right. I can see that. Anything you can go to the Olympics, I'm open to. And if it's archery, you could probably go to the Olympics. I mean, all you got to beat is Geeta Davis.

Yeah. I feel like that's the barrier to entry. You got to beat Davis. You mentioned that in every episode of this podcast, right? I try to, yes. Geeta Davis. It's my favorite thing in the world, if that's what you're asking. Yes.

Also, we're in a rut. Also, it gives me hope for my own future. Maybe one day I'll acquire a skill that will impress people. Well, not if you keep disparaging people who try to make something of themselves, Jesse. That's a really good point, Eric. Can I tell you one thing about- Enroll. What I'm saying is enroll in clown school.

Can I tell you one thing about dorkery? www.eric is enroll in cloud school. Can I tell you one thing about dorkery? www.ericdrysdalecloudschool. Oh, okay. That's what. Eric, can I tell you one thing about dorkery that is positive? So as you know, Eric, Jordan, I don't know if you knew this, but at MaxFunCon East, Eric taught or led a seminar in 3D slide viewing. Yes.

With these portable 3D slides, which I thought would probably be kind of neat. So I went to it. And I will say that going in, I kind of had a migraine. And so I was not in that great of a mood, but I felt like I should get out there and check one of them out, and this one seemed more peaceful than most of the rest.

I will say, what you do is you put a slide into this viewer that looks not wildly unlike a Viewmaster or like those binoculars they use on Star Wars, and then you look through it and it gives you a different picture for each eye and it's lit up internally.

I have to say, it blew my fucking mind. It was so amazing. Eric made this claim before he passed them out. He's like, oh, for me it feels kind of like stepping into a time machine. I was like, yeah, I mean, people say that about like looking at old magazines, you know what I mean? Or just old vernacular photographs. Sure.

I will say. Drinking a nog. It was like fucking stepping into it. It was totally transporting in a way that I've never felt from any other media. And so I salute you for dorking out on that because it brought a lot of joy to my life. Oh, thank you. It was a real pleasure to do. And it was something. And again again like we can talk about it and the thing is is that the only way that

like you invited me and it was great because that is the perfect venue like having 10 people to look at these viewers and blow their minds with that stuff but you can't like you're not going to get the same feeling from projecting them or and that's uh that's why i made a viewmaster reel rather than something else because i love the the feeling of looking at a scene through lenses in 3d yeah it was totally amazing so i i just i'm gonna throw that out there if you want to get into stereoscopy you're you're really you'll really have a one, it's quiet you can do it by yourself in your room and then go out and socialize later and also, you're going to blow somebody's fucking mind when you have a good friend

comes over and says what is all this stereoscopy stuff here his friend is familiar with the terms of art and you're going to say hey, how about this take a look at this, this is a store display from a department store in the 1950s. This is a Jewish wedding from the 1940s.

They're going to look through the fucking thing. It's going to blow their mind. So that's four. Guitar, basketball, stereoscopy, and cooking. Four great things that you can pour yourself into if you need something. Are we steering children away from the dramatic arts entirely? I don't think that's a comprehensive list, but it's a good start. How about fucking knitting?

Girls love to knit together. Sure. They can make friends that way. You get a nice scarf at the end or a sweater. I think all these things are happening. I know. That's why I'm encouraging people to go down these roads. But I'm saying is that –

Fundamentalist religion. That's happening too. Go to a revival meeting. Handle some snakes. But what I'm saying is that God will protect you from their venom. This is part of teenagehood is exploring these things. that God will protect you from their venom. This is part of teenagehood, is exploring these things. And to say that one way, yeah, I almost think that teenagerdom would be incomplete without

some goofy embarrassments. You know, like it's part of like what, it's part of what gives you perspective as to what's not a goofy embarrassment. As a grown up, I feel it's my responsibility to teach the young people of America. You know, a lot of young people listen to this. My own brother listens to this. He's 17-ish years old. Yeah.

He listens to this program. He could be out there thinking about acquiring circus skills. That's true. You know what I mean? Don't make people come to your improv show. You know, don't make people look until you're any good, until you're good at it. I think, I guess that's the thing with all that stuff is that when you get it even a little bit, you're so excited.

You just want people to watch it immediately. Your father though now, could you deny your son juggling balls if he said, I really want to have some juggling balls? You wouldn't say that. It'll be contraband. No, he's not going to be familiar with juggling balls. No, he might be exposed to juggling balls. Pick it up on the street.

Somebody might. Some tough. Or somebody at school could be that kid and come up to him and say, do you want to see juggling? We live in a religious community that prohibits juggling. So not Jewish, where it's mandatory. Yeah. But could you look in your son's eye and say, no, you cannot juggle those balls?

No, I wouldn't forbid him. I'd trick him somehow using my superior. You would put a foul-smelling film on the balls. Yeah, I'd do something that encourages... It's like that episode... Here's what it's like. Yeah. It's like that episode of King of the Hill

where Bobby decides he's going to become a rodeo clown and look does it have a redemptive ending yes does bobby become a rodeo clown no i'm not gonna emotionally blackmail my child into not doing something like this but i am i'm gonna i going to make sure he's got a basketball and a whisk and a guitar so that it's more convenient for him to go into one that's going to be less of a nightmare for me. It'll be hard to keep your kid from three balls. Eric, do you remember what made you- Do you remember what made you- Sets of three balls exist in child's lives. You'll have to keep the ball count down to two.

When I learned to juggle, because I had to learn to juggle to pass this class that I took. This is a real thing in my high school is you had to learn to juggle too. Home ec. I had to juggle with scarves. I couldn't- Balls was way past my... And I'm good with balls. Jordan will tell you that. He's not that good. I just said that so he would leave.

Jordan. What do you mean? You have to be gentle. No, you have to be gentle. You said I was assertive. You described it as assertive. I wasn't lying, but that's the element of it that I did not like. And skilled. You said I was skilled.

That was a lie. I'm not skilled? You're, you know. Why did you write the word buffoonish on a piece of paper and hand it to me? Oh, do you not know what buffoonish means? No, I know what it means. It means inferior blowjob. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eric Drysdale, senior trainee. Yeah, we've kicked him up a notch. He ably defended two very difficult to defend things. Sure. In defending juggling and old fat guys on motorcycles.

And a little The Grateful Dead. No, no, I didn't really come down in favor of The Grateful Dead. You almost. But you came as close as anyone should feel comfortable doing in public. You're keeping a very diplomatic tone. Okay. Which is great. Sponsors on this week's podcast?

I don't want to make enemies. No. Let's just say you're a teenager. You're trying to find yourself. You're looking for good hobbies. And the four great ideas that I already gave you aren't working out, what would be a good website to

visit, Jordan? Probably ask.benefilter.com. Yeah, just go to Ask a Metafilter. Askatbenefilter.com. You can ask on there what are some great hobbies for teens to pursue. Animal husbandry. That will lead to blowjobs. Yeah. Or cunnilingus. Sure. Depending on the gender. Or just the. Yeah. Or cunnilingus. Sure.

Depending on the gender. Or just the social equivalent. Or a satisfying social experience. Yeah. Absolutely. I feel like I use getting laid for shorthand a lot, and I feel like I'm misunderstood. I should clarify, though. You've misunderstood what getting laid is. Yes.

It's synecdoche. It expresses a whole world. Is that why you're always wearing that condom? Right. Because I think every time I'm hanging out with my friends, having a great time, that's especially why I wear it to Jordan and Jesse Go, I don't want to get an STD. Right. Or I don't want to get this room pregnant. Teresa was bathing Simon the other day in the bathroom and showing him, oh, here's my nose. Here's your nose.

Here's my ears. Here's your nose. Here's my ears. Here's your ears. And he has a penis. He's a boy. And he pointed to his penis and said, peen. You know, peen. Because he knows what a penis is. Sure.

And Teresa said, oh, I don't have a penis. And he got confused and upset because they had just been playing this game where they show the different parts. And Teresa yelled out to the kitchen. She's like, Jesse, can you come in here for a minute? I need you for a second. And so I came in knowing none of what was going on. And she turned to me and said, Jesse, can you take your penis out? And I was like, what?

And she's like, just show Simon your penis. He needs to see a penis right now. So I'm like, okay. So I took my penis out and I said, penis. And he said, peen, and pointed at his penis. All right. So it was a really fun father-son moment. We should point out that my son is 16 months.

All of this was totally appropriate. Right. These are completely appropriate things. Anyway, speaking of that kind of fun stuff, let's get back to our sponsors. Compass Rose Design. You know who is the founder of Compass Rose Design, Jordan? I don't. Our old friend from our college radio days, Creek.

Oh, terrific. Creek from KZSC. They make beautiful jewelry both for men and women. Okay. Most of the things they make are from actual vintage and antique items. Now, I've heard that their slogan is where fashion meets history. That's absolutely correct. So, for example, I just did this thing for a popular website on which vintage and handmade things are sold.

Okay, Etsy. I just did this thing for Etsy and one of the things they had me do was curate some items. So I chose one of Creek's things, and it was a tie bar and set of cufflinks that were made from blazer buttons from the New York Railroad. So they were from the 50s or something like that, or maybe even older. And she and her husband run this company where they make things like that. They make lots of cool things for both men and women. And they're gorgeous. I think they're really wonderful,

cool things. I think they're great. And they have just celebrated their third year of doing this full time. And I've heard people can get a 15% discount if they type in JJGO15. But people can get a 15% discount if they type in JJGo15. Yeah, just go to CompassRoseDesignJewelry.com. CompassRoseDesignJewelry.com. And JJGo15, you get 15% off your first order. And look, we both remember Creek from our college radio days. She happened to notice that I was doing Put This On.

She got in touch with me. She's one of the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet. Just a really absolute best-case scenario of what a lady that you knew from your community radio station is like. And I'm really happy that we could support her by doing this. So compassrosejewelry.com and JJGo15 for 15% off. And we have one item up on the Jumbotron this week, the podcast Fantastic Neighborhood, hosted by Fred and John. It's an NYC-based podcast about balancing grown-up lives and playing video games. Occasionally, they tackle issues related to games, and sometimes they try their hand at radio theater. And apparently a fun little piece of MaxFun trivia, John, one of the hosts, was the guy

who got engaged on the first MaxFun episode of Mabim Bam. Oh, that's really cool. So if you're interested in a show about games and about being a grown-up, which I think is probably a significant portion of our audience, you can visit fantasticneighborhood.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. $100 for a personal message, $200 for a commercial message. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go for your business in a more regular, traditional type way, email Teresa at maximumfund.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at maximumfund.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eric Drysdale, associate. He is. We kicked him up. You know why?

I liked his attitude. He's always on time. Cut of his jib. Yeah. This guy's got a great jib. Do you think by the end of the show he'll fire us? Yeah, probably so. Oh, boy.

Hoisted by our own petard. You know how I could tell I liked him? Hmm. I called him into the bathroom. I said, take out your penis. And you used it to teach a young child about the differences between men and women. Yeah. It was a really good teachable moment.

Is it – I imagine you would have to do something – and I don't want to – I'm not trying to have a peek into you and Teresa's sex lives. That's not what I want. Right. I want you guys to have all the privacy in the world. Right. But it seems like after – Why do you keep skulking around? I just enjoy a skulk.

Okay, good. You enjoy a nice skulk. I'm an amateur ninja. Sure. And I'm afraid that you'll make fun of me because I'm trying a new hobby. Sure. I imagine what I would want as a man after that is something very erotic to happen after my penis was used as a teaching tool.

No. Not at all. Zero. No, no. Oh, not – but to reaffirm to myself that my penis is not just a diagram and this is – I am – I think that's something that you could tackle on your own. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I think Eric covered something that you could tackle on your own. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I think Eric covered this territory. Let's take some calls. I guess my point is I don't – I wouldn't – I would feel – Eric just hit a home run.

I don't know if you were listening. Yeah. I know what you're saying. Yeah. I wouldn't want my penis de-eroticized to that degree. I think just to a certain extent when when you're in a family relationship, doing family man things is part of what might make you erotic to your partner. Sure.

So while generally that might mean cleaning up in the backyard or something or fixing something, doing a good father type thing, it also fits into that. I just don't think that anybody would expect it would have to happen right away, Jordan. Yeah. Your turnaround is going to be your issue with the scenario you described. Put a bag on the little kid's head. Go to town. No, it says not to do that. Right on the bags.

No, no, it says... Because this kept coming up. No, it says that they're great toys. No, it does not say that. I think you read those too hastily. It was too hasty of a reading of the text on a plastic bag from the grocery store.

You should probably draw the line at putting a hat on your penis and doing a little puppet show. Let's take some calls. Let's take some calls, Jordan. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Bill calling on the road from Pennsylvania. I'm someone who only recently became a fairly regular driver, and I didn't grow up in a rural area, but I decided for fun to drive out to near Amish country in Pennsylvania today.

And I had my first cow in the middle of the road experience, was just driving on some really back roads, and came upon a cow, and I slowed down and came to a stop. And the cow took an awful long time to decide whether or not it wanted me to use the road and then waited for me to take a picture and seemed to be mugging for the camera a little bit and then eventually let me go by. So that was my momentous occasion for today and since I've been listening to JJ Coe on the road while driving around, I thought it was an appropriate time to call in. Thanks, love the show. I like the guy sold his experience.

Sure. On its head, maybe not just, you know, blow by blow, maybe not the most interesting thing in the world. But the enthusiasm, I felt like, was great. I like the idea of a cow mugging for the camera. Sure. I think that detail sold the story to me. If you're a city slicker, a cow's a big deal.

Yeah. First cow. First cow in the road experience. It's just not that momentous, though. That's the Achilles heel of the story

is that it's not that momentous. But, you know, I thought he was going to eat Scrapple or. Yeah, sure. Buy a shaker chair or something. Be in a jug band. Raise a barn.

These are all these are all more momentous rural things to be doing. Bathtub gin. Fuck a Mennonite. Fuck. Right. Exactly. You know, these are the kinds of things that would be

more momentous from my perspective fuck a shaker because they're not supposed to that's why they shake so much right

isn't that the thing with shakers shakers don't exist anymore right I don't know I think shakers are the ones that don't exist

who makes the furniture shakers used to make the furniture when they existed but because they didn't have sex they they no longer exist. Yeah, that's a hard sell. That is a hard sell.

Yeah. Okay, I don't know. I mean, you do get to learn how to make that really beautiful utilitarian furniture. Sure, very minimal. Yeah, it was modern before modern existed. Yeah. You know, so there is that. But what are you going to do when you're on shrooms behind the chill-out tent?

Just shroom out. Just shake, I guess. Just shake around. Take another call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I am 33 years old and substantially drunk for the first time in my life. Wow.

And the reason that I'm drunk is because I had the first real job of my life with a tech company that provided a substantial amount of alcohol at our company party tonight, which I just got home from. So, yeah, I just wanted to share. She is not planning well. Yeah. That's all. You drink a lot.

Number one, thank you for calling in. You're absolutely correct. This is a momentous occasion. Now, that having been said, as a non-drinker myself, I've never been substantially drunk personally. I would say that if I was going to start, I probably wouldn't pick company holiday party at a new job. Right. Right? Yeah.

That seems like poor planning on her part. Yeah. You get drunk at the holiday party when you've reached a point in your life where you drink to cope. Yeah. Like that's why you get drunk at the holiday party. Yeah. Is because nothing will make that tolerable other than being very drunk. Or because you see a tent but you don't have any shrooms.

Right. That's the other reason you get drunk at the holiday party. Or just a really good eggnog. Yeah. Maybe she's just in a situation where she loves her coworkers and they socialize already and this felt fun. But, yeah, that's rare. I would say that's the exception to the rule for sure. She did say it was a new job,

right? Yeah, she said it was a new job. Risky. It's 33. That's a new record, by the way, for me, from hearing about people drinking for the first time. The previous record held by public radio celebrity Ira Glass. Oh yeah? What was his? Didn't drink until he was

30. How about it? According to what he told me. That inspired me. I was like, shit, maybe I should start drinking. I was 30 at the time. Never had a drink. Well, I mean, I've taken communion at church. You know, I've done champagne toasts. You know what I mean?

But, you know, sometimes my wife will have a cocktail. She'll be like, do you want to taste this? I'll taste it. And not like it probably. It's kind of interesting, but it's not something I'd be invested in. Cocktails are definitely better than beer. I think you really have to trick yourself into liking beer. There's a hump for sure.

I will say that once you get over that hump it's the most satisfying thing you can drink really it's amazing yeah really it's a mirror yeah and i and i don't like drinking it that much anymore more than wine absolutely for example i mean for me personally because i'll tell you i if i taste if i drink wine i think i could see how people really are get into this oh sure another great thing for teenagers to get into. Right. Drinking. Drinking by yourself. It's something you don't need other people to do. Exactly.

You know what I mean? And if you go up to somebody and say you want to drink, people will want to do it. That way, when you go to the holiday party, you can hold your liquor. Yeah. Yeah. That's a better path. It's a better path. Okay.

Next call. How many calls we got left? Two? One? Two. Okay. Next call. Hey, this is Simon in Edmonton.

I'm calling in a momentous occasion. My girlfriend and I just went to our first CrossFit workout because we are horribly out of shape, and we are trying to make a positive change for our lives so that we can be the best, more powerful than ever. Thanks. I'm of two minds here. On the one hand, I really sincerely support people pursuing good health and exercise. On the other hand,

CrossFit is the circus skills of the exercise world. Boy, I know a couple CrossFit people. That is apt. That is an apt comparison. And what is that exactly? Well, yeah, I could probably explain it about as well as you explained the Jewish bow arrow holiday. Yeah, I mean it's something – but I guess maybe, Jesse, you know more about it. It's like a mixed workout where you do all kinds of different stuff. And they surprise you with what it is.

Like you don't know what you're doing and then boom, kettlebells or boom, medicine balls. Boom, we're going to run a lot. Axe swinging. Tree chopping. Yeah, boy. I don't know. Have you seen Dave Holmes lately, Jesse? I know Dave Holmes is really into it.

He's probably pretty cut, huh? Dave Holmes looks great. And he's a great looking guy. He has always been a great looking guy. Dave Holmes is beautiful inside and out. Yeah, and there's a CrossFit place by my house. And the attractiveness of the people going in and out of it is pretty amazing. I'll tell you that.

I feel like a real dumpus when the CrossFit people come into the coffee shop the same time I'm in the coffee shop. When I was in, what do you call that, physical rehabilitation, physical therapy after my car accident, my physical therapist's mentor was telling me I needed to do more exercise to make up for the fact that my back was injured to improve my core strength and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like maybe I should do Pilates or something. Like I don't really like doing any kind of exercise that doesn't have like a competitive aspect to it or a game aspect to it. And I'm not good enough at any games to compete reasonably anymore because now the only people – we've discussed this on the show. reasonably anymore because now the only people, we've discussed this on the show, but basically the only people

who compete in athletic competitions as grownups are way better at it than I am. I was always a B minus at sports. I enjoyed sports, but I was never great at them. I was never horrible, but all the people who are like me have fallen off of sports.

The only thing left is assholes. So at my age. So you're stuck is assholes. So, at my age. So you're stuck on a treadmill. So I'm stuck with a treadmill, which I can't imagine treadmilling. And so this guy, he goes like, yeah, why don't you come out to my CrossFit? We'll change your mind.

We'll really kick your ass and you'll come begging for more. And I'm like, that does not sound good to me at all. Sounds horrible. Yeah. If you're going to pay that kind of money for that kind of situation, you want it to be like a dungeon. Yeah, I want it. You want it to be a weird sex dungeon.

I want a safe word. Yeah. At the end of the day, I want a safe word. Yeah. I have a couple of CrossFit friends who are good friends and wonderful people, but all their CrossFit related Facebook stuff is all pretty dorky and obnoxious. But I don't know. You're hanging around with some great looking people and I feel like the result, I mean

everybody I know who starts it gets in great shape. I already have a beautiful wife. Who am I? What am I trying to prove? Yeah. You're trying to stay alive. I'm a professional. Let yourself go.

You're trying to stay alive. That's a really good point, Eric. Eric, didn't you mention that you took up exercising relatively – didn't you mention that in our stereoscopy class? I did. I did. About two years ago, I started going to the gym because every time I went to the doctor, he said, go to the gym. And I have a cholesterol problem and I said – and I think that part of it was that I had a – I had the same problem. Like I didn't – I was not the coolest kid in school.

I did spend a fair amount of my time in lockers. I'm surprised to hear that. But continue. And I always saw fitness and sports and things like that as the realm of the enemy. And I think that that kept me from being actively interested in exercise. Are you really saying to me that your gift for topical satire was not enough to keep you out of the soccer? No. But I bought the first pair of sneakers that I had ever worn in 20 years.

Wow. What did you wear before sneakers? I wore Doc Martens and the big heavy boots, first of all, which was a terrible idea. I thought that just by not wearing – like I was rejecting just out of hand the idea of wearing sneakers. And you figured within five years you would be dating Janine Garofalo. Right? That's why people put on Doc Martens, isn't it? I just knew that I didn't want to wear sneakers because that's what the people who put me in the lockers wore. Wow.

Okay. Okay. But look, I'm wearing sneakers right now. You're wearing a nice sneaker. Practicality has won over identity politics. What kind of exercise do you do at the gym, though? I run on a treadmill, which is really boring, but I listen to podcasts and watch news shows, and it's bearable. Yeah.

I got to change my life. It's bearable, and I do feel better. Exercise life. It's bearable and I do feel better. Exercise 2013. What do you think? Oh, yeah. Totally. I had exercise 2012. I've been having a great time with it.

Doing all that yoga. Doing a lot of yoga. A lot of hiking. Really? You should try hiking. Hiking's great. Especially you and Teresa can do it together. You can bring the baby with you.

I really hate hiking. Yeah. Juggling. I really don't like hiking. Hiking for me is- I should do athletic juggling. Juggling on I really don't like hiking. Hiking for me is – I should do athletic juggling. Juggling on a treadmill maybe. Hiking is great for me.

I mean I use it as podcast time or social time if someone will come with me. But yeah, it's been nice. But it also has a wandering around element to it that I also like. Yeah. I hate nature. But I would say yes, momentous occasion. Yeah, no, definitely momentous. Just, you know, ease off on that CrossFit talk.

Nobody wants to hear about that. Next call. Mr. Jordan, Mr. Jesse, and yes, I am calling to let you know that I just graduated from the police academy. I'm calling to let you know that I just graduated from the police academy. And, yeah, I spent the past six months getting pepper sprayed, being scared shitless, having the crap beat out of me. And it's a lot of fun. I've never been more proud of an accomplishment in my life.

And after saying thank you to my family and friends who supported me and having a nice lunch with all of them, the first thing I'm doing now is calling you fellas to let you know. This guy knows what the fuck is up. First thing I thought of, well, after I thought of the people that I care about most. And after you went into that wind tunnel. Thank you. Have a good day.

That's a momentous occasion. Absolutely. Yeah. We haven't gotten that before. Now you. Have a good day. That's a momentous occasion. Absolutely. We haven't gotten that before. Now we've got a friend on the force. I used to, God, I used to be able to hum the Police Academy theme song and I wanted to do it

while that was happening. But all I could think of was da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's the coach theme song. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But wait, I also wanted to point out that he mentioned that he was pepper sprayed and beaten up. And what was the other? He said one other thing.

But it sounded like that's not the thing that the policeman does. That's the thing that the criminal does. They now hold police academies in middle school gym locker rooms. So what you were going through was just rudimentary police academy. Got it. You just chose not to pursue it. You know what that guy's going to be? Michael Winslow.

No, one of the good ones. Bobcat Goldthwait. No, one of the good ones. Oh, okay. One of the good ones. He's going to be out there standing up for our freedoms. God bless him. Or whatever it is that policemen do.

Yeah. Handing out tickets. Sure. But to scofflaws. He's going to be corralling scofflaws. Oh, yeah. You got to get those guys corralled. He's got the getting beaten up experience to handle it.

Yeah. This guy. This guy's a class act all the way. I bet there's more former nerds on the police force than you would think. Yeah. I bet they're real dicks too. Like the mean. Right?

Like the mean. Do they have something to prove? The mean nerds. Because they're a mean nerd. That's who becomes a policeman, isn't it? I mean a dick jock does too. There's probably – I'm going to say – I bet the police –

If I was going to guess and I would love for this guy to call in and tell us. If I was going to guess, I would guess one-third dickhead jocks, one-third mean nerds, one-third civic-minded individuals. Interesting. I would go half civic-minded, a quarter. A quarter, a quarter. That's fair. I'll buy that for a dollar. Just because I'm hopeful.

I bet you could do a similar breakdown with the military too. And also because you didn't grow up in the inner city. Okay. I'll take it. Yeah, no, I think I'll buy 50, 25, 25. Sure. Absolutely. I'd like to see that.

That's a decent number because then there's more, you know, then the civic minded individuals can, you know, keep an eye on the angry nerds. Yous, make sure they don't get too into weaponry. And the dickhead jocks make sure they don't get too into juicing. And control the crowds. Yeah, and control crowds. They ride a horse. Yep. Horseback riding is another activity you can take up if you want to. You've got to be rich for that one, frankly.

Yeah, yeah. You know, go for it. I don't give a shit. Horse dancing? Probably not horse dancing. Yeah, don't do horse dancing. I want you to do steeplechase. Okay. I don't give a shit. Horse dancing? Probably not horse dancing. Yeah, don't do horse dancing. I want you to do steeplechase. Okay.

You're going to do something. Yeah, that's good. Fucking follow Donna's lead. Do something where horses run around and jump. This is our friend that was in the Olympics. You know, do something cool with a horse. Not the little fancy pants dancing around business. Dressage.

That's the perfect name for that. I feel like that got really perfectly named. Yeah. If only it could be called, you know, His Royal Highness Dressage of Dubai. Yeah. You know. But, yeah, besides that. Okay.

206-9844-FUN is our number. Was William Refrigerator Perry in the Police Academy movies? Hmm. I don't know. It was definitely on the 1986 Chicago Bears. Okay. Is that a Police Academy movie? Yeah, I think it is. Well, that also had Bobcat Goldthwait, if I'm remembering correctly. He was the quarterback, right?

Uh-huh. No, Jim Harbaugh. Hmm. Well, we'll figure it out. Anyway. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We figured out Wood Boner. Yeah. The Jewish Festival of Crossbows.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, to have you here on the program. This was really fun. Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us. I need to take off early on Monday for a doctor's appointment. Is that okay? That's fine. Okay, thank you. Mr. Drysdale, is it okay if I wear my hat backwards? Absolutely.

Thank you, Mr. Drysdale. Mr. Drysdale, me and my hillbilly family struck oil and we want to move to Beverly Hills. I don't know. Mr. Drysdale was the Beverly Hills boss, wasn't he?

I can open account for you. Thank you. Mr. Drysdale, I stuck my hand in the fryer. What do I do now? Run? I don't know. Mr. Drysdale, I'm having my first gay thoughts. This is making me... You know what? I have to say, this is legitimately making me anxious, calling me Mr. Drysdale.

Let's not. We'll stop. Mr. Drysdale, my erections lasted for longer than four hours. What do I do? Have you taken Viagra, or is this just a really long erection? I saw a super sexy chick. I would say talk to Jordan about it. He seems to know a lot about it. I do. I can coach you through it.

Frankly, we're both boner experts. Experts. I've had a few. Yeah. I've had a few myself I've had a few myself sure cool cool dude

taking care of them yourself yeah yeah cool boners dude yeah it'd be a funny thing to happen in like like a Fast Times

and Ridgemont High type movie is like hey cool boner dude cool boner dude yeah yeah and they pound it out.

Pound me one. Oh. But it's like complimenting somebody's shoes, you know? Eric Drysdale is the creator of the only comedic, parodic 1960s spy sci-fi show parody, Viewmaster Reel. And the best one. Definitely the best. Also the best also the best definitely the creme de la creme of that genre which you can you can just get that from like amazon right you

can go to amazon you can go to the man with feet.com it's actually man with feet with three e's and why wouldn't it be or you can go to man with feet with two e's because because you're sensible because i'm sensible and i want. And I want to drive traffic. Is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah. And you also like buying websites because you like those sexy videos on GoDaddy.com. Yes.

But you can see stuff in those videos that you can't see in the commercials. And Eric also writes for the Colbert Report, which you may have seen on television. If you haven't, I'll just go ahead and recommend it. Good show. Enjoyable television program. You're going to get a lot of topical satire from that program and you will enjoy it. Unless you got a real stick up your pants. And buy the book.

This holiday season. I think you'll enjoy that. That's got some stereoscopy in it. It does, which I had nothing to do with. I consulted a little bit. Seems weird that you didn't have anything to do with it. That's pretty weird, though, that you didn't have anything to do with it. No, it's totally – they did a great job. Right, that's pretty weird though that you didn't have anything to do with it. I mean, you are – you're a – It's okay.

You're a noted stereoscopy enthusiast. You know what? Here's what I think is going on here. They talk about – you talk about the cult of comedy writers. To get in good at The Simpsons, you have to have written for the Harvard lampoon. Right. To be a writer on the Colbert Report,

you have to be into old Viewmaster stuff. Yeah, you gotta be into Sarah Askeby. I understand. I know about your skull and bone society. Yeah.

The book is called America Again, Rebecoming the Greatness We Never Weren't. But by the Viewmaster reels. Last time, last time Stephen Colbert came out with a book, I was paid by Apple to fly to New York and do an interview with him.

Do you think you could arrange that happening again? I have no idea. Wait, what do you mean? They arrange Apple? Apple, yeah, just call Apple. Let them know that Stephen Colbert has a new book and I'm available to interview Stephen Colbert. I did a great job.

I did a fucking great job. I believe you. I didn't even get upset when the lady that gives away things for Apple stood between me and Stephen Colbert while we were sitting facing each other about two and a half feet away from each other. And did she give you something? No. She gave Stephen Colbert a lot of things and discussed the different things that he got for free and then looked at me scornfully and left. Okay.

I can't speak for that. Well, to be fair, you were coveting Stephen Colbert's free items. I was coveting those items. She could feel the coventry in your heart. Coventry? All I'm saying, Apple, is – You know, the feeling of wanting to join a group of witches. Is that coventry in your heart. Coventry? All I'm saying, Apple, is- You know, the feeling of wanting to join a group of witches. Is that coventry?

I got Windows Phone 7 in my pocket right now, but I'm willing to go back to the iOS operating system. I'm a fucking digital media influencer. Let's do this. You'll tweet about it. Let's do this. Bring me to Colbert. Unique impressions. I interview him. Give me the telephone. He'll tweet about it. Let's do this. Bring me to Colbert. Unique impressions. I interview him.

Give me the telephone. Done. Drysdale. Make it happen. I can't promise that. Ask Dodgers legend Don Drysdale to do it. Can't promise that. Or Dodgers legend Oral Hershiser.

Yeah, ask Oral Hershiser. Get Hershiser on this. He'll look through their little round glasses. More likely. With a scoreless inning streak like that, how could anyone say no to Oral Hershiser? Am I right or am I right, Eric Drysdale? Or anyone named Oral. That's a good point, too.

Yeah. Well, we've had a lot of fun. Well, wait. That's Oral. Oral Hershiser is with an E, unlike Oral Roberts is with an A. O-R-A. Oh. Oral.

I don't know what that means for our discussion. It's probably a game changer. I just wanted to make sure everybody knew. We've probably been here for too long. 11 hours. Brian Fernandez is on the boards. Maximumfun.org. Join us on the forum.

Review the show in iTunes. Please, please, review the show in iTunes. Yeah. Take a second out of your life. It helps us out. It helps us big time. It puts us higher up on the iTunes thing

which helps people listen our thanks our thanks to Eric Drysdale the delightful Eric Drysdale we'll talk to you next time oh our theme music Love You by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design

and Light in the Attic Records we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go oh shit one more thing what? I'm going to be in San Francisco on my Pocket Square World Tour okay

the day after Christmas. Go to putthison.com to find out more information. But if you want to come visit me, buy some samples from my Pocket Square business. I'll be at Wingtip from noon to 6 on December 26th, Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. I'm going to be hanging out with my mom. It's going to be me and my mom hanging out in what I'm told by our forum regular, Janie, is one of the most remarkable stores around, wingtip. We're going to be selling pocket squares at discount prices.

Beautiful gifts for yourself and others. Spend some of that Christmas, though. Yeah. You know Grandma's. Grandma's. Yeah, she's slipping you a 20. Give you a couple of saw bucks. Sure.

Come buy a pocket square. Handmade. Come on. Can't beat that. Talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.