Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 255: Manwhöre with Seth Reiss

Episode Date: December 24, 2012

Onion writer Seth Reiss joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's recent robe purchase, Jordan's trip to Joshua Tree and Universal Soldier continuity.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan. Jesse. Go!

Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go. We're joined by the hilarious Seth Reese from The Onion. And Jordan goes somewhere so mind-bending, I can't even begin to describe it. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Don't worry, Jordan. Okay. I've Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Don't worry, Jordan. Okay. I've handled what I needed to handle. Oh, good. We can begin the show now because I have taken care of business downstairs in the lobby. And you're not talking about shaving your pubes. That's not a colorful euphemism for shaving your pubes. I did do that down in the lobby, but that is not what I'm talking about.

I would never talk about something like that on Jordan, Jesse, go. I try and keep it clean on Jordan, Jesse, go. No, I understand. As our listeners know, I always keep it clean on Jordan, Jesse, go. Sure. Should we introduce our guests? We're perpetually pitching the show as like a Disney Channel thing. We are always.

Like Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. It has not. We've had a lot of interest. Yeah. But it has not gone yet, which is show business. We've had a few lunches. Yeah. But it has not gone yet, which is show business. We've had a few lunches of green slime that fell on our heads when we said, I don't know. I had a really promising meeting with the Wizards of Waverly Place. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

And they were very excited. Hmm. Yeah. I had a meeting with the HUD network about the show, and they liked it. Department of Housing and Urban Development? urban development no no this is the network that airs andrew cuomo yeah this is the network that airs my little pony and they said that they liked the show but were worried that um that 20 something uh reddit dorks couldn't like our show ironically gotcha so i mean if there's something we can do to like kind of talk to that audience, maybe

we'll have a chance at the HUD. Right. We get in with, maybe if we focused more on affordable housing. Yeah. It would get us in there. Although I guess the HUD network to a certain extent, it's sort of like AMC doesn't just play old movies anymore. It's not all housing affordability

and related issues anymore on the HUD network. It's also cybernetic humanoid underground dwellers. Oh, I'm sorry. That's the Chud network. The Chud network. You know, can I cut in? No, you have not been introduced. I want to cut in for a second.

I was going to do a joke about HUD and Paul Newman. I want to cut in for a second. To watch you guys go back and forth, what joy. I mean, it's like you guys are on the same wavelength. It's great. It is. It is something else. Believe

it or not, we didn't write any of that. You know what? It's like you guys are in this zone together. What we do is we do. And oh my God. We do one take where we do the script. Uh-huh. And then we just go.

I mean. We just go. We just go. We get one for the script. You know, screenwriter needs a take of the words they wrote. No, no, no. But then after that, we just open up our minds and just let it flow out. I mean, it's like Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.

Sure. It's like just going. Yeah. Which one's going? Which one's Eddie Murphy out of curiosity? I think Jordan's black and he's Eddie Murphy. And he's got that red leather suit on. He does.

Which you don't need to wear for this, but it looks great. It does look great. Oh, and I do need to leave early to give a transvestite a ride home. So if we can wrap this up a little early. Our guest on the program is a longtime writer for The Onion. What's your title there these days, Seth? I am the head writer at The Onion. Head writer.

Head writer. Head writer. At The Onion. A longtime member of the beloved sketch comedy group Pangea 3000. I broached the subject of Pangea 3000 at lunch. Uh-huh. And there was much mirth at fond reminiscences of Pangea 3000 sketches. Well, I mean, I have fun.

I miss Pangea 3000 sketches very much. It's Seth Rees, by the way. Nice to meet you all. And Pangea is the supercontinent, by the way. Sorry, go ahead. 3000 is a number. Because we never got the television show, to all your listeners, Pangea 3000 was a little sketch comedy group in New York City who worked really, really, really hard and did some really,

really cool things that a lot of people will never, ever, ever see. You know what? You know what, though? At the end of the day, you made it to public radio. That's right. That's right. You did a sketch about sharts on a nationally syndicated public radio program. That's right.

We did. And that's what matters. Prairie Home Companion? It's funny. I don't know. It was APHC. Okay. The funny thing was about Pangea, you know, I moved to Chicago when The Onion moved to

Chicago from New York. Another member of Pangea got a job writing for Jimmy Fallon. And we had just gotten done with our last kind of full stage show. And it didn't – we were all very tired. And then, you know, the New York Times wanted to write an article about us like five months earlier about us going to L.A. because we came out here to L.A. and we did our show and it was cool. You know, we had meetings though and you guys know all that stuff. You guys know the biz.

Anyway, so – We literally had four meetings yesterday just at HUD. And then the New York Times person got back to us five months later and says, I would love to write the article. And we were like, well, we don't think we're going to be doing any more comedy together for the foreseeable future. And then she was like, I'd still like to write an article about that. Okay. So if anybody wants to go online and read it, a New York Times full profile of a sketch comedy group. The headline is disbanded sketch group feels fondly about the old days.

And it's really funny because it's like this is the gray lady. This is the newspaper record. And in somebody's gray lady in Oklahoma was a full-page article of this New York City sketch comedy group and how we were going our separate ways for the time being. But, yeah, thanks for bringing up Pangea. We can talk more about it all the time. No, we probably shouldn't. Yeah. I mean it's pretty much meaningless to me. People can find the article.

They can search online. You know what I think people should do? People should look at the sketch they did on The Sound of Young America many years ago. One of the first New York Sound of Young America live recordings. It was great. Do you remember? So you were at the New York Sketch Fest. Yeah.

Was that your first year at the New York Sketch Fest or second year? I think it was. Did we ever did the New York Sketch Fest with Prank the Dean? No, we did not. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that was the first year that I had been at the New York Sketch Fest or second year? I think it was – did we ever did the New York Sketch Fest with Prank the Dean? No, we did not. Yeah. So I think that was the first year that I had been at the New York Sketch Fest. And if you ask anybody at New York Sketch Fest about Jesse, they'll say two words. Seersucker suit.

I wore a creamsicle color. And people have just been talking about it ever since. I mean, look, it was gross. It was disgusting backstage, if you remember correctly. It's in the UCB theater. Oh, yeah. So it was in the UCB theater in New York. The UCB theaters in both

LA and New York have maybe the foulest backstages of any theater. But by God, it gives it grit. I wouldn't have it any other way. That's why I only listen to vinyl. Right. At the time, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York was having a lot of problem

with surprise dripping in the house. Well, it also poured. Do you remember? Yeah. It was a huge rainstorm, and it's hot and disgusting. There's Jesse, seersucker suit, which is made for cool weather. Sure. But he's, I can't imagine.

I bet he was a little uncomfortable. Riding it out. But you look great. I was cool as a cucumber. You look great. A seersucker, a seersucker is puckered. Right. And that helps control the temperature.

It breathes. It breathes. It breathes. But it was fun to do that. And actually, the first time I think you saw Pangea was at the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Festival. That's how we got together. That might have been back when we were still doing Prank the Dean. We may have even done a show together, for all I remember.

I don't know, Seth. I love Prank the Dean. I have all your albums. Thank you. And we only release them on vinyl because that is the sound quality we want. You know what, though? We will not release them digitally. We should put out a Kasingle.

Can we put out a Kasingle? Collectible, hand-numbered. Can we put out a Kasingle of my beloved character, the King of Kasingles? It would be appropriate. That's probably the least beloved character I've ever done in my entire life. Wasn't it just kind of the Pee-wee's Playhouse

King of Cartoons, but hee's Playhouse king of cartoons, but he liked Kasingles instead of cartoons? Yeah, well, basically he just, he sort of talked like this. Hello, I'm the king of Kasingles. And then we would have a conversation, and everything that I said would relate to a big smash hit from between 1988 and 1993. Great. Everything would be like, oh, that reminds me of I'm so in love with you, just like all

for one. So let's talk about sex. I wonder why the New York Times chose to write the article on Pangea 3000 and not prank the Not the King of Kissingles? It's strange to me. It seems weird. Because we had a strong following of about 25 to 50 people, you know, who loved us to death. Who buy newspapers.

That's right. Who will buy newspapers. Anyway, I'm glad we can get this show going. Me too. Because I did. We're starting late. You guys might have noticed that from the 15 or 20 minutes of silence at the beginning of this podcast. We start recording at 4 no matter what.

No matter what. No matter what. We will not budge on that. I was waiting to purchase. I had a meetup set with a small German gay gentleman from West Hollywood to purchase a second-hand robe. A good German. Now, I have a question. Yes. Where did you see the robe in the first

place? On... If I could remember... On his purse. On Grindr. Grindr. Grindr. There we go. You're like, I don't want to blow you in this men's room, but how much for the robe? Yeah.

Oh, one blowjob. Well, that works. It was on Craigslist. I went out to the – so here's the thing. I still – one second. I know you're – Go ahead. Go ahead, Seth.

But what were you searching on Craigslist that you came across the robe? And were you specifically searching for robes? I was searching for Grindr. Okay. I couldn't figure out how to download it? I was searching for Grindr. I couldn't figure out how to download it. I needed to download it. Grindr tips. I have – Do they have Grindr for Windows phone?

I wonder if they do have Grindr for Windows phone. That's maybe where you were running into problems. It's your OS. It's the OS that I use on my mobile phone. I have a Windows phone. I know. I saw it from your email. It's because I'm I use on my mobile phone. I have a Windows phone. I know. I saw it from your email.

It's because I'm a social media influencer. I was also a social media influencer, and then I dropped mine. Yeah. Your phone. I broke it. I'm sorry about that, bud. That's okay. Why were you searching for robes?

Okay. So let's get back to that. I have a series of – okay. I have a series of – OK. On Craigslist, if you search, it will automatically generate what's called an RSS feed. RSS, of course, stands for Really Simple Syndication. So if you search for, say, in this case, I searched for Brioni, you can subscribe to that RSS feed in your feed reader. And then if something Brioni pops up on Craigslist, it shows up in your feed reader. So one day I went through some menswear brands I was interested in.

Okay. I saved those brands as searches, saved searches on Craigslist in case something come up. And something did. Something did. A beautiful robe. A beautiful Brioni robe. And something did. Something did. A beautiful robe.

A beautiful briotti robe. Now, do you practically wear a robe around the house, like after a shower? I'm a dad, aren't I? It's true. You got to wait for Simon's friends to come over, and then it can kind of blow open a little bit. You got it. Your child is named Simon. Yeah, he is.

My sister's newborn son, Simon. Oh. So there you go. Well, I didn't know that my Simon's reputation had already spread so far, but please thank her for that honor. I will. I will. I mean, she's a huge, huge listener. Yeah.

She's a big, big, big time listener. Didn't occur to her to name it Jesse or Jordan, though. No, no, no, no. Okay. Simon. Last weekend, I went out. So, Seth, you're not from Los Angeles. No.

You're here writing on an unnamed television program. Right. I'm here. The Onion was very nice to give me a sort of leave of absence. Let's just say it's the Heave Starvy Show. That's all we'll say. Also, Seth is in a pinstripe suit. That's right.

So take from that what you will. The Onion was very kind enough to give me a leave of absence for a couple months to come out here and write for a television program that I think is very, very funny. We agree it's very funny. It's a television program hosted by a friend of ours. That's all we will say. That's all we'll say. I'm thrilled to do it. Whenever I watch a show

and I laugh why are we don't shut up I'm trying to tell this story and you've segwayed into this long thing about how great this show is

that you're working for that we cannot even say the name of so anyway I get that will teach everyone watching how to think

like a certain gender I'm on I'm on that's all we'll say look I love Steve Harvey he's the best Everyone watching how to think like a certain gender. I'm on. That's all we'll say. Look, I love Steve Harvey. He's the best. It's that show.

Oh, fuck. No. So I'm out. Yeah, I'm out here in L.A. till about the end of February and thrilled, thrilled to be out here. And the onion was very nice enough to let me come out. So you don't know the geography of Los Angeles, but from east to west can be quite a distance. I went out this past weekend to purchase this rope from this gentleman. We had said, oh, we can probably do it tomorrow morning, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I head out there. I had a couple errands to do. I'm like, I'm going to buy this special cheese for my mom at the special cheese store that she requested, and I'm going to combine that with going and checking out this rope. Very efficient. I know. Very efficient. Well, it's the way you have to do it.

Because otherwise, you can't go back and forth when you're talking about the east and west sides of Los Angeles. You're going to kill yourself. No way. So, unfortunately, the guy has something come up. This is the thing that came up that prevented him from being available for me to go check out this robe this past weekend. I talked to him. He's a very polite German gentleman, I believe I mentioned. And he says, I can't come out.

I'm at a client's house in Pacific Palisades. I've been here for a few days and I thought I would have left by now, but I haven't. I don't think I'm going to get home until tomorrow. It sounds like he is a slave for hire. He is. He's not a contractor. Okay. I've seen him.

I just bought a robe from him. He's not a contractor. He doesn't have the hands for contractor work. Uh-huh. One has to assume that he's engaged in some sort of illicit business. Yeah. What other live-in work is there? to assume that he's engaged in some sort of illicit business. What other live-in work is there? What work, Pacific Palisades, if you don't know, Seth, is a, the only other time I've been to Pacific Palisades was to shoot a video that Jordan wrote at Brooke Shields' house.

Okay. So Pacific Palisades is a beautiful, tony part of the far west of' house. Okay. So Pacific Palisades is a beautiful, tony part of the far west of Los Angeles. Okay. And what other work is there where you unexpectedly stay at your client's home for days besides work that involves oiling yourself up? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I guess I jumped right to, you know, submissive slave. It's funny. I jumped right to orthopedics. Oh, okay. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's the first thing I thought.

You know, that's funny because the first thing I thought originally was orthodontics. Then I remembered that you have to have an office for that. That's right. You can't do that on an outpatient basis. They don't do house calls. No. Sadly. I inquired.

Like in rural areas, sometimes the doctor will get his bag and he'll come down the dirt road. The old brace bag. Yeah. The old headgear satchel. He'll go down the dirt road. Anyway, I think the moral of the story is that I may have just purchased a second-hand robe from a male prostitute. Hey, good for you, bud. I saw the robe. It's a nice robe. It's a beautiful

robe, isn't it? It suits you. I got a wonderful price on it. But this is like a high-class male. Like, this isn't... He is... And I want to emphasize... This isn't like a streetwalker. I want to emphasize this guy that I bought this from, one of the nicest, most polite gentlemen you could ever meet.

His parents are in town this week from Germany. Of course, it's the holidays. Sure. So you could see where they might be visiting him. And there, they want to escape Germany to avoid the Krampus. Yes, exactly. Because Germany gets very dangerous around Christmas. A lot of concerns about Krampus.

Seth, do you know about the Krampus? I have no clue what you're talking about, no. The Krampus is- You're a man who hasn't received any Krampus carton. No, I haven't. The Krampus is a German monster that accompanies Santa Claus. And in Germany, the good children get toys from Santa, and the bad children get placed in a sack by the Krampus and beaten with a reed.

The Krampus is like a goat monster. And this is from what? Devil Beast. History books. Okay. Yeah, I mean, this is just- The Bible. Yeah.

Okay. The news. A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Sure. Or the Oliver Stone fake, what's the thing he's doing for Showtime? He's doing like a whole America- Oh doing like a whole America re-history. But we're talking about Germany anyway, so never mind. Mein Kampf, then.

So, I mean, I could see if you were a German and you had family in America, you would want to come over here so as not to be placed in a bag and beaten by the Krampus. Right. So that's a reasonable explanation for that. But what about this client work? Did I actually buy from a male prostitute a secondhand robe? It was too big for him. So he's not worn it a lot. I'm going to say just because this isn't going to be a funny answer.

I'm going to say no. No? That's pretty funny. I'm laughing. I'm just going with no. I'm going to say he wasn't a male prostitute. There's so many occupations. So what is an example of a live-in occupation?

Maybe he was putting the guy to sleep. Maybe he was taking longer. You think he's like a Kevorkian type guy? Maybe he is. Yeah. And he just had to keep cranking up the dose? Yeah. It wasn't working out.

He's like, I don't do it with chemicals or with a dose of anything. I just hit the guy with a ball-peen hammer. Slowly. Not as hard as I can each time. No, no, no. It's got a nice slow process. He's like, this time I brought the hammer, but I brought the rubber mallet. So it takes too long.

Eventually, the guy will die. It is the worst way to die. It is the worst way to die. It is the worst way. Slow, slow, slow hammer hits over a series of days. I would say interior designer, but I don't want to because that's homophobic. Did he seem, did he seem, did he seem like a fashionable? I mean, obviously he has this robe. He's got this beautiful robe.

This guy has a sharp tack. And the sweetest guy you could ever meet. He doesn't drive ordinarily. He's here this beautiful robe. This guy has a sharp tack. And the sweetest guy you could ever meet. He doesn't drive ordinarily. He's here with his folks. He overshot. He ended up in Pershing Square, for goodness sake. Somebody who has no clue of what you're talking about.

Oh, my God. And to come back. Angelina's are cracking up right now. What a moron. Cafe gratitude. Sure. Anyway. You know what's really funny? I loveon! Cafe gratitude. Sure. Anyway. You know what's really funny? I love

when your guy laughs. Yeah. Brian Fernandez? Yeah, it's great. He's got a roaring laugh. I love it. I mean, it's great. He's obviously paying attention to the show. Sure. Which is nice. And he liked the joke. He's actually on Hulu right now

watching Guys with Kids. It is a pretty fancy. Anthony Anderson is very good in that. Yeah, I mean, I guess here's the thing, though. It's like, why does the prostitute need to stay with you, I wonder? Because it's not like a one-night, it's not the kind of, it's not like a one night, it's like a rent boy style prostitute. Like an escort. It's like the kind of prostitute that your wife goes on vacation.

So you send your wife on vacation and then you bring in someone to like be with you. But for three nights? Yes. And three straight days? So you can be yourself. You're a rich, closeted Hollywood mogul. You send your wife to Barbados for a week. In the middle, you bring in what's called a rent boy.

You say, I've already directed three Transformers movies. Yes. I just need a little break. Right? I don need a little break. Right? I don't know, man. It's not just a suck, fuck, thank you, I'm out of here type prostitute. It's not just somebody that's just going to give you a pounding, collect his fee, and leave. This is a guy who will sit down to a nice candlelit dinner with you and talk.

That's what you're saying. Exactly. Maybe even go to an event with you. Some sort of a movie opening. Jack Reacher. Yeah, go see Jack Reacher. Jack Reacher premiere. Sure.

And you tell people he's your assistant. Introduce him to Werner Herzog. It actually sounds great. Yeah, that sounds good. It does sound nice. Sounds nice. And then, you know, after the movie, you give him a reaming. Solid.

Go to the bathroom at the Grove. That's an L.A. place. Seriously. That was. Now you're playing the game. And you reamed him. Now you're playing the game. You reamed him.

A good reaming at the Grove. The guy, his name was Tristan, really couldn't have been more charming. I can't imagine that he would be anything other than a very high-rent prostitute. The kind that you spend some time with. The kind that confuses- I would enjoy- Look, I just talked to the man in the lobby of our building. He's very charming.

I'd love to spend some time with him. Do you think maybe he has a non-sexual rate or something? Maybe the next time Teresa goes out of town, he can just come over and you guys can, you know, watch movies. You can go to an event together and hang out. He'll pretend to like American Pickers. So I have someone to watch American Pickers with. Then maybe just hold hands in bed. Sure.

You know what? Penises and butts don't have to enter into it. You know what? Let's take a quick break. I'm going to give Tristan a call. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip

to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. So, unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, MaxFunCon West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to MaxFunCon before, get ready to reunite with your old friends. And if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at MaxFunCon.com.

So act fast. MaxFunCon pretty much always sells out, and we don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to MaxFuncon.com. So act fast. Max Fun Con pretty much always sells out, and we don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to maxfuncon.com. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of the state and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. Risk is the latest addition

to the roster of podcasts at Maximum Fun, and it is jam-packed with unforgettable stuff. Your favorite writers, comedians, even fans like you share X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising Risk can be. Both radio-style stories and stories told at our live shows, you've heard people say, ooh, too much information, don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at Risk, we say screw that. Anything goes. So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend.

Look us up at MaximumFun.org or Risk-Show.com. Or, of course, just go to Podcast at the iTunes Store and search for Risk. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Seth Reese. Hi, how are you? Hi, Seth. Hey, how are you?

Hey, how are you? Hey, how are everybody? We're good. Seth, you know, I'm good. We're good. How are you? I am good. Seth, I'll tell you two reasons I'm great.

We're good. Tell me. Number one, you're here. Thank you. It's always great to see you, Seth. It's great. Number two, I own a copy of the Onion Book of No Knowledge. Oh, let's plug.

The new Onion Book. Let's plug this thing. Let's plug this shit out of this book. I'll get Tristan on the phone. Seth, prepare your butthole for a plugging. It's hilarious. Thank you so much for having the onion and sin one out to us. Did I?

Well, maybe they just sent it out to us if they're on a call. When did you get it? We got it when it came out, you know. Cool, man. A few months ago. Sweet, dude. A few months ago. Like two months ago, something like that?

Sound about right? Yeah, that sounds... It came out... Actually, no. It came out October 23rd. It took us two years to write it. By the way, October 23rd is literally two months ago. So there you go.

From this recording. Yeah. That's great. There you go. It took us two years to write it. And I know it's going to sound corny and lame, but we were – You are in love with this book as an as a staff i think the onion staff is kind of in love with the book because it was a good process from start to finish

um it got it gave us a chance to do some of the weirdest stuff we've ever done it was a kind of a departure from typically like a headline and jokes. It's written. It's a book. It's a book that you read, and you don't have to obviously start from page one, but if you do start from page one, there's a lot of running jokes in it. I think everything that you can imagine is in the book. It's a fake encyclopedia from A to Z, and our blood is in the book. We're very proud of it.

Seth, can I ask you? This is always something I've been curious about. When a book comes out that is by a staff, like when The Onion writes a book or when Colbert writes a book or what have you. We would love to put Stephen Colbert's face on our books and maybe it would sell. It helps. It helps. How do you – is that just part of your day-to-day?

Is it like – how do you divide up the day between the thing you have to do and writing this book? That's a great – we find a way to do it because we were still putting out the paper and the website while we were writing this book. Eventually when it got to sort of crunch time, the last six months, we divided up into two skeleton crews. One was putting out the paper and the website. The other was working on the book and then we'd switch. And in the last three weeks, kind of just the last two weeks, the editors just sort of sat in a room, went over it page by page, figuring out what we needed, what jokes needed to be on the side, you know, because there's a lot of longer entries, but

we also wanted to make people feel that the book is accessible. So there's a lot of shorter ones, too. Seth, can I tell you something? Yeah. I missed a lot of what you just said because as soon as you said that you divided into two skeleton crews, I imagined funny group teams of skeletons competing in some kind of competition. And that's what it was. It was skeletons rowing crew. And then a dog steals one of their leg bones and runs off with it. And that's what it was. It was skeletons rowing crew. And then a dog steals one of their leg bones and runs off with it.

And that's what we did. And we managed to get the book done. Despite those pesky dogs. But, yeah, I mean, you know, I would say that we were tremendously proud of the product. It's very funny. And we hope that there's just a lot of different ways for different writers' ideas to come – to be in that book. And it's like demented. And I'm glad it exists.

And I hope that – I think a lot of younger people probably read Our Dumb Century and really loved it and was like, whoa, what is this? I'm really hoping that this is the next sort of like one of those types of books, not just for The Onion, but as a comedy book. I don't know. We're really proud of it. I know it might sound lame, but it's totally true. We're proud of it. Now, does anything tie into Lake Dredge Appraisal?

Boy, I'll tell you. Are there any bridges between the book and to Lake Dredge Appraisal? Well, you know what's interesting about that for real? So Lake Dredge Appraisal is a video on YouTube that put out by the Onion sort of YouTube team. Series of videos. Series of videos. Popular series of videos. Beloved series of videos.

Here's the thing. Not the most popular video. But I think it's my favorite. Lake Dredge Appraisal is my favorite of those videos. I wrote an essay about how much I love Lake Dredge Appraisal and read it aloud on my nationally syndicated public radio program. It's phenomenal. I think the one link between Lake Dredge Appraisal and the Onion Book of No Knowledge is they're very oniony. I think – yeah, I love Lake Dredge Appraisal.

It's the best. Yeah. Hey, can I take a minute to just say a quick thank you to a listener? Yeah, of course. And I'm going to get out my phone here so I can get the fellow's name right. Here, I'll get it. I have a thank you that I want to give to a listener. Okay, why don't we give a couple of thank yous.

I want to thank Matthew Burton, at Matthew Burton on Twitter, who sent me a series of, like, five Twitter messages in a row with his eggnog recipe. Seth, for you, I said on the program yesterday that I did not like eggnog. And Matthew sent me this eggnog recipe. It was kind of and he said if I didn't like it, he would donate $20 to a charity of my choosing. So I whipped up this eggnog today. So I whipped up this eggnog today. And according to Matthew, the difference was, you know, whisking the egg whites so that they have peaks, so they have solid peaks. So I have a question.

Will you actually make this? I did make this. Oh, you made it. I made it this morning. Yeah, yeah. And it's good. It was real good. Now, don't you have to, like, let it sit for 15 hours or something? Eggnog, isn't this like a thing? No. I mean, I chilled it in the fridge for two hours. It's real good. Don't you have to let it sit for 15 hours or something? Eggnog, isn't this like a thing?

No. I mean, I chilled it in the fridge for two hours. It's a thing. 15 hours. Okay. No, no, you're right. So maybe I didn't like it. And you're Ignagrin on this subject.

You don't have to chill it. I walked right into that. You're thinking of flan. I don't know. Eggnog, to me, it's always good for the first three sips and then grossed out. Are you thinking of flan? You know what? I am thinking of flan.

Never mind. Never mind. You know, I probably could not have more than a glass of this. Yeah. One glass is enough. Plenty. Yeah. I'm not going to get fucking fucked up on this.

And we're talking about an eight-ounce glass. We're not talking about 16 ounces of nog. Yeah. I'm not talking about a 99 cent 20 ouncer. Just pound it in. Make a nog gulp from 7-Eleven. And after you drink eggnog,

no matter... You just put it in the spout and just ... After you drink eggnog of any kind, no matter how good it is, you kind of feel like you want to just shit your pants, right? You know, I really like this. The thing about it that I liked was that it was thinner.

It was more drink and less pudding-like. So it was more refreshing. You might not have whipped those eggs enough. That's to give it body. No, that's the thing. I don't want a lot of body. You don't want the body? Huh?

It had enough body to be pleasant. But my thing was he acknowledged in the tweets, here is an eggnog recipe that isn't all gross and pudding-y. Oh. So, yeah. And it had bourbon instead of brandy, which was nice. Interesting. And I had a nice bullet bourbon on hand to add to that. And it turned out great.

So, thank you. Can I thank my listener? Please. Nelson M. from South Africa. I want to thank him for coming to my home to give me a few words of inspiration when I was feeling down last week. I had a cold.

He stopped by. He flew in and let me know that... And while we're at it, I just want to thank Steve H. for teaching me how to really think like a man. Okay, excellent. And for employing Seth on his new features. I'm trying, you know what?

Here's the truth. I'm trying to think of a really funny one. And I can't. What about this? That's all I want to do. We just did normal ones. Because you said Nelson M. And I can't. What about this? That's all I want to do. We did it. We just did normal ones. Because you said Nelson M. And I was like.

Do you mind if I do one more that's not jokey? Go ahead. While you're thinking of your joke one. All right. I want to thank Abraham L. For pushing through some legislation that I offered. Using all of his political skills to hold together a disparate group of some would say competing political forces. I want to thank a team of rivals, if you will.

I want to thank Keanu R. for entertaining me in movies such as Point Break. Well, he had the dog thrown at him by Patrick Swayze. Right. That's what it is. Sorry. No, no. He did kick it at him. No, you're right.

He did. He did. He catches it and then drop kicks it. Sorry. By the way, can I ask a quick question? I know you're thinking of someone you'd like to thank. I want to thank. With all the Nicole Hofstetter sort of, you know, the excitement over Zero Dark Thirty and the controversy around torture.

Sure. Can you be anti-torture but pro-Point Break? The previous high point of her career. Wait, who? Catherine Bigelow. Catherine Big, who? Catherine Bigelow? Catherine Bigelow. Catherine Bigelow. Not Nicole Hofstetter who did Lovely and Amazing.

No, sorry. No, she's not the one who directed it. But she is pro-torture, though. She just thinks that sometimes you need escalated interrogation methods. Can I take a second to thank Nicole H. from Los Angeles for really changing my mind about enhanced interrogation techniques and also for running an extended long con on me that led me to believe that she was the director of, among other films, Zero Dark Thirty, Point Break, and the Oscar award winning, what was that called? Hurt Locker. Explosion Room. And of course, Strange Days.

Yeah, and Strange Days. I would like to thank- Yeah, Seth. If we're talking about movies. Sure. I would like to thank Khalid Sheikh M. I would like to thank Khalid Sheikh M. For ultimately not exactly making Zero Dark Thirty possible, but being a component, a major component of that movie.

Hats off to you. Hats off to Khalid Sheikh M. Thanks, buddy. I'd just likeats off to you. Hats off to Khalid Shacham. Thanks, buddy. I'd just like to thank United States A for being a country where I live. We'll be back in just Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I am Seth Reese, just taking it all in, watching excellence.

Seth, I would like to thank you for being kind enough to be willing to reschedule two weeks ago when I was seriously ill. The week that we missed our show, Jordan was out of town. I was very sick. And we had scheduled you and me and our friend Nick Adams to record a show, but you were nice enough to reschedule for this weekend. Well, I'm happy to be here, but also when you move out to Los Angeles and all you have is your work, you don't really have a social life

or anything to do on Saturday anyway. I could have done this anytime. Right. Anytime. I could do this at 8 o'clock at night on a Saturday or Friday or any social hour. I could have been here. You're just happy to be here. Just happy to be talking to somebody. I understand. That's why I emailed you.

Right. Please let me talk to somebody. Jordan was at a – Jordan, where did you go when you were out of town? Well, yeah. Let me – this is kind of a fun story. I went for my buddy Ian had his birthday up in Joshua Tree. Sure. It's weird.

I hadn't been there in a long, long time. I think I went once as a kid. I'm actually not familiar with Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree, it's a state park. National park? State park. State park here in Southern California. I got into a huge fight about that.

If you go out towards Palm Springs and then I believe go just north of Palm Springs, if I remember correctly, it's sort of a desert park. Okay. Famous for its Joshua trees, which are these kind of very distinctive, naughty, sort of lonely looking trees on account of they're in a desert. Gotcha. And don't have leaves. The trees are very human-like because they almost always have two branches that look like arms. So it's fun to do little voices for each tree you drive by. They're also very human-like because you're on peyote.

Right. It seems like, yeah, and that's what I would call the vibe around there. It's like a combination of, like, you know, 60s hippie freakout bus and grandma's turquoise dream catchers. Like it's where those two things collide. Like there's a store that sells, you know, boots and Navajo blankets next to a, you know, store where you can get a sandwich that's only sprouts. Right. And like carrot juice. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Literally no bread. No, it is a handful of- It's sprouts and like carrot juice. Yeah. Literally no bread. No, it is a handful of- It's sprouts soaked in carrot juice. Here's your sandwich, they say. Yeah. And then they spit in your face. I don't know why anyone goes there.

It's not as positive as Cafe Gratitude here in Southern California. Yeah. We all know that place. Well, actually- Mendocino Farms. Actually, fellows, since I've been here, I've heard of Cafe Gratitude. Oh, really? And what is it like when you go up and you order something, they say like, what's one

thing you're thankful for? They ask you or whatever? The dishes all have names like I am thankful or I am powerful. Right. But this is a very popular place, right? It's a vegan restaurant. It's very popular. I can't tell. I've never been there and I can't tell

why people are going. I don't know if they're going to laugh at it or not. I'm not prepared to go to a restaurant to laugh at it. But everyone I know has been. I don't know. I've heard it's good. Anyway. I think that it's popular because it is the perfect... It's both popular to go to and to laugh about because it's the perfect distillation of the specific kind of hippie new aginess in Southern California, which is the kind that's about finding a hippie new age way to talk about how great you are.

That's true. It is. Yeah, it is all very self-centered. It's not like the world is beautiful or let's fight for justice. Yeah, it's the same. I am powerful. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so you're in Joshua Tree.

You've got a few magic mushrooms, a few nubs of peyote. So I'm up there and- Buds? Yeah. How do you take peyote? What is a unit of peyote? I think it's the flower of a cactus, right? Guys, you're talking to the lamest person on earth.

I would not know the answer to this question. I'm still trying to think of funny Twitter accounts. I'm still trying to think of better ones. Let me just suggest this. What? What about Ikea monkey? That's a pretty good one. That little guy thinks about Obama.

Wonder what that little guy thinks about the differences between men and women. Liz and Dick. Oh man. I bet he has some funny things to say about that. Liz and Dick. I know this is a tangent and I apologize and you can probably edit this out.

Seth, this is a podcast. Let's try and keep it on track. Yeah. Well, the thing with Liz and Dick, and I haven't seen it yet, but I have been on – I'll change it to Lifetime and I'll scroll through the schedule to see if they're going to replay it. They're not replaying it. I'm ready to sit down and watch this thing. You bought into the hype. I mean I want to see it.

You saw the Twitter hashtag. And they haven't replayed it. I will sometimes scroll. So, you know, you press info and then you can scroll all the times and you keep going, keep going, keep going and look at all the programming. Sometimes I'll scroll to a day and a half later to see if Liz and Dick appears so I'll

know to watch it. And it's not there. So, there you go. I didn't miss it because the TiVo picked up on my safe search for dick. That's good. Jesse. Jesse, you haven't lost it. Thank you. It's been a while since we've seen each other.

Yeah, you have not lost it. I've just been holding my crap. As sharp as ever. As sharp as ever. So this was kind of like it was my buddy's birthday, and this was kind of a bro trip up to Joshua Tree. It was all these – it was a bunch of bros. And he had rented a house and the house that he rented was – it's a really hard thing to describe. I mean I think I described that mashing of like hippie stuff and then – hippie stuff and then Indian stuff.

And some mid-century modernism. Yeah, well, this is what this house threw in was like 60s swinging space age bachelor pad. Sure. And it was just filled with all these kind of crazy antiques and an outdoor claw bathtub. And it was all really nice. Wait, an outdoor claw bathtub? Yes, an outdoor claw bathtub and it was all really nice like it was wait an outdoor claw bath yes an outdoor claw bathtub where you that is not part of my image of what a 60s swinging bachelor pad has so it had all of these things but then a bunch of other stuff okay yeah but it had like a

hi-fi and you know sure uh-huh and and and you know it was the nice end of it like they didn't get all this stuff at Oz or at Urban Outfitters or something these were all like seem to be real legit antiques but the most vintage pieces these weren't more than 100 years old I don't mean to be rude but I watch a lot of American Pickers

continue yes and but the most amazing thing about this place was it's all solar powered, by the way. There's solar panels. That's not surprising. But they had this big- Get over it. Solar's dead.

Get over it. It's all about wind. Wind's dead. Oh, wind's dead. What's next? Oh, coal. Okay. I want coal. Clean coal. Not clean coal. Oh, wind's dead. What's next? Oh, coal. Okay. I want coal.

Clean coal. Not clean coal. Coal. Traditional coal. Dirty coal environment. Send some orphans down in the mine. And coal it for me. Artisanal coal.

Artisanal coal. Any just dirty coal. Hand-blasted coal. Solar. You lost me. I'm done. I'm done listening to the story now. The most amazing thing was they had this big kind of army vehicle.

I guess the best way I can describe it is it's like what Dolph Lundgren drives in Universal Soldier. The new one or the old one? The first original Universal Soldier. Okay. By the way, Seth, later do you want to have a conversation about Universal Soldier continuity? Because it's complicated. I have. Did you watch the new one?

No, I haven't watched the new one. Some friends invited me, and I couldn't go, and I've been kicking myself. I'd love to have a conversation with you about Universal Soldier Continuity. Great. Because I've been boning up on it. You know what? It's very interesting. Some friends invited me to go, and I had to turn them down because I promised Teresa I

would go with her. I know. Those broads. I always wanted to go see their Universal Soldier movies. Sure. Chick flicks. I watched that trailer about three times because I was so excited to see it. And I'm always like, when's the helicopter kick coming?

When's the Van Damme helicopter kick coming? Smack. Always. It's still a selling point. Yeah. They know what the audience wants. Oh, God. But Teresa, I guess, only sees Universal Soldier movies that are in a certain continuity.

Sure. She doesn't approve of variant continuities. Okay. If there's some direct-to-DVD or direct-to-VHS Universal Soldier movie from 1989 starring Richard Roundtree, a.k.a. Shaft, she's not going to watch that. Yeah. It's non-canonical. Yeah. To be fair, though, there are so many Universal Soldier stories that you can tell.

One can sort of be an outlier that's not really part of the whole timeline. The Lou Gossett Jr. one. Absolutely. There's the Louis Gossett Jr. one. There's the Brian Dennehy one. There's a lot of- Extended version. Yeah. The Dennehy one, where Dennehy just goes ape shit.

And there's a lot of- You remember when he tears off his shirt and you're like, that for a fat 65-year-old Irishman. Yeah. He is ripped. The interesting thing was he wasn't ripped in his chest. He wasn't ripped in his arms. He wasn't ripped in his legs, but perfect six-pack. Just gorgeous.

Wasn't ripped anywhere. He still had love handles, but just perfect six-pack. I mean, if you've seen him with a shirt, you know how fat he is. I mean, everyone- But a gorgeous six-pack. And everybody in the trailer goes nuts when the classic Dennehy helicopter kick comes in. I know. That's what everybody's waiting to see.

Oh, man. Remember the big showdown between him and Brian Cox? That's right. Him, Brian Cox- That was an alternate Expendables. That was in the Expendables universe Oh and James Broadbent Is in that one too

So this big military vehicle It had like an opening It could open from the side Like it had a side thing that would open Holy moly It's huge, it was huge Does it have treads or wheels? Wheels And when the sun went down that would open. Holy moly. It's huge. It was huge. Does it have treads or wheels? Wheels.

Okay. And when the sun went down, it blossomed. It came alive. It blossomed like a flower. It opened up. It was on a timer. It opened up, and inside were light-up sculptures

made of dildos and butt plugs. When the sun went down, you just hear, and this thing opens up and like, like, like, you know,

like the light up forest from Avatar, there were these collections of dildos and butt plugs and anal beads, also anal beads, that lit up in these beautiful colors.

Guys, I'll be honest with you. Please. I don't approve. Yeah? You think you have a moral objection to this? You've got to draw the line somewhere. Am I right, Seth? Yeah.

I don't approve of the lifestyle that led to ultimately this thing existing and being purchased. Some things simply shouldn't be lit up. They should be hidden. They should be plunged into darkness. I don't like it. You don't approve of the wanton decommissioning of military vehicles. You think we should use them until they're used up.

I mean, you got to get your money's worth. We as a nation. Absolutely. Does this person have parents? Is this a parent? Whose is this? No, I mean, I think they just went on a house rental website and saw the kookiest one and rented that. I don't know if they knew about the butt plug sculpture ahead of time.

Wow. Were they purely decorative or were they in position where one might utilize them in some way? Like either they're detachable. They were very dirty. No. They were very dirty and it seemed like, I mean, they were connected to lights, so it would seem that it would be dangerous to fuck them.

I just, guys. Please. I'm just hung up on the life choices that ultimately lead to this. You're mad that someone out there did this. Somebody's jacking off to Soldier of Fortune. And they have a sudden flash. And I guess you should be able to be free to do what you want in this country as long as it's not illegal.

But I don't know. This one I don't – We could infringe on these people's rights. Imagine your delight. If you saw it and you were just there and you saw it. You're with your friends at a kooky art house. And you all want to plug each other's butts. You're like, this is great.

We're hanging around. We made fajitas. Oh, fajitas. That sounds fun. We smoked some J's. Sure. We shot some bottles with BB guns. Puffed some J's.

Puffed some J's. And we're sitting around and you're like, this is pretty good. What? What? And the person that they rented this from or the people, they didn't mention that? Did they forget to turn it off before they left?

If I was making a brochure, that's front cover material. Yeah, right? I know. I I mean everyone seemed surprised by it. No one's like, oh, cool. No one was like, oh, yeah, I have that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I knew this was going to happen. Everyone was surprised and delighted by it.

So no, I don't think anyone knew that this would happen. Do you think like this couple – I assume it was a couple that left this house. They told me a little bit about it – I guess it's an artist. An artist does these houses like that. Do you know about the Bin Had guy? No. So he makes YouTube videos where he says – where he takes people on tours of his wardrobe and he says, Bin Had Lacoste. Bin Had polo.

Bin Had – I like the idea of him being at this party. He's not impressed by this. He's like, yeah, Bin had military vehicle, butt plugs, dildos, connected to lights. Yeah. Were the – And they were dirty? You could tell they were dirty? We – I mean, we inspected them.

Were the sex toys themselves colored or were the lights colored? Both. Were they using party lamps? Both. There was one that was all translucent sex toys that just had a regular kind of white light bulb in it. Wait. So these, when you say sculptures, these are created out of multiple sex toys?

Oh, yeah. I should describe them better. They're like flowers. They look like they are the petals of a flower. Like that giant stinky flower? Yes, exactly. Yeah, that Pasadena stink flower. Yeah.

Oh, I want to see that Pasadena stink flower sometime. You know, I have to say, I don't think this discussion was on the recording. It was like, do you want to do the Jericho thing or the gay Star Trek thing? And I was like – I agreed with Jesse. We had done some gay stuff. So let's do the Jericho thing. This is the straightest story I had, by the way. This is the most heteros –

Joshua Tree. I apologize, guys. I apologize. Before we went on, we were thinking. Joshua Tree. I apologize, guys. I apologize. Before we went on, we were thinking.

We've been thinking about discussing the GLBT Comic Con that Jordan was recently a guest at. And we said, you know what? Let's talk about this trip to Joshua Tree that you took. And I said, yeah, Joshua Tree. That sounds a little more interesting. Like, well, let's avoid the gay stuff. I had that idea. I think Jesse had that idea.

But you know what? I regret it now. Oh, yeah. I regret it. This has been disturbing for me. You just don't like knowing that this exists. I don't like knowing this exists. I guess, you know, but if this guy is happy, I guess. That's the thing.

You think about, I guess if he's happy, I guess if you're happy, you should do what makes you happy. But I don't like that this makes him happy. But it makes him happy. So God bless him, I guess. He could be a lady. Could be a lady if it makes her happy. All of these things. All of these things could be used on a lady.

Do you think like this guy, he thinks about when he was like seven and what made him happy when he was seven years old. And if his seven-year-old self could look at what makes him happy now, I'd be like, you're insane. You don't just picture him in sixth grade in the margins of his notebook drawing sweet military transport vehicles. Inside there's flowers made of dildos, butt plugs, and anal beads. God. You know, I feel like for me, some of the same things that made me happy when I was seven still make me happy now. But I wouldn't have-

Like a fudgicle? Like a fudgicle or just like fudge or like chocolate or just like milk chocolate things. All chocolate. Yeah. But I wouldn't have seen this one coming. This sounds like this story really upset you. I mean, you know, it's out there. Are you mad that we were using drugs?

No. You're free to do whatever you want. If I can speak metaphorically. Sure. Please. Would you say that this story really reamed you? Would you say you feel like you're in the bathroom of the Grove with a rent boy right now? Okay, so before I came here, I'll be honest. I was at the Grove with a rent boy right now? There's – okay.

So before I came here, I'll be honest. I was at the Grove. I did see Jack Reacher. I did get a ream in the bathroom of the Grove. Sure. So whatever. It makes me happy. Right. I do what I want.

It makes me happy. You like the dancing fountain. I love that dancing fountain. You like that Mario Lopez is there shooting a TV show. Guys, you know who I saw while I was there? Who? No, actually this is the Beverly Center. I was about to lie, but I'm not going to.

It was at the Beverly Center. I saw Turk from Scrubs. Hey. Oh, this is pretty good. Donald Faison. That's a good one, right? Looked great. Guy looked great.

Great shape. He was in great shape. He hasn't gotten fat. Lovely wife. No, he looks good. Very charming on Scrubs. Very charming on Scrubs. He was talking to a group of people, and he said, and by the way, this is my wife.

And it was very nice and he looked great. He looked a million bucks. Did you give him a nice firm handshake? I didn't. I walked by. Did you open up your transport vehicle like a fucking flower and show him what was inside? Now, when you say transport vehicle, could this be driven? So could this be driven to various locations?

It had a cab. Yeah, I think that you could take it around to parties or cookouts. There's a pretty limited number of locations. You got the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. Burning Man? Burning Man. Is that a thing? I don't know about that

sure glue some Happy Meal toys on it then we'll talk Burning Man just Area 51 I guess just

drive it out there and see what the fuck happens who loves who loves anal probing more than aliens so I think they would kind of relate to it

can I there's another part of this trip that doesn't involve- I thought of one other place. Oh, please. Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore. Yeah.

Well, they're all over Mount Rushmore. Yeah. You just drive it off the top. Right on top of Teddy Roosevelt's head. Like Vertigo. Actually, at night, that's what happens. North by Northwest. Excuse me.

North by Northwest. At night, that is what happens to Mount Rushmore. If it was Vertigo, he would drive off the top of a mission. Yeah. Jordan, you're just the kind of idiot who would think that it was vertigo where a military transport vehicle – Covered in siltoes. Drove off the – of course it was north by northwest. I'm sorry.

Anyway, sorry. What else happened on this trip? hike the next day and there's this really lovely hike that you go on where you can kind of see the remnants of like the gold mining business that was in Joshua Tree at the time and you're kind of taking, you're going along this trail and it's kind of all set up as kind of the, all the

points you go to kind of help tell the life story of this guy who was like the gold mine magnate at the time I forget the name. You guys don't care. Rockefeller. Yeah, sure. Goldberg.

Yeah, John Goldberg. Goldberg, Schwartz, Rockefeller. Yeah. And so you're going to all these different places like, oh, here's the first well that Goldberg, Rockefeller, Schwartz dug. You learn a little bit about that. You go to one of the first well that Goldberg, Rockefeller, Schwartz dug. You learn a little bit about that. You go to one of the first mines. There's the house where all the workers lived. Oh, so bored.

You go to see the- I hate history, except when it comes alive. I love when it comes alive. It is fun when it comes alive. Bring it alive. You're going to talk about history and make it alive. You see his old Model T. His old broke down Model T is out there.

That's very cool to see. And then toward the end, you see the tombstone of a man he murdered with his bare hands. And it does not tell you why. It just says here. And it was scrawled in there by like a worker. It's like here lies the body of John Speed who was murdered at the hands of John Goldberg Schwartz. And when was this again? This was like the 20s. You could get away with so much stuff.

I know. You could just throttle a man. Oh, my God. You could do whatever you wanted. And it's like it's so weird because, you know, throughout this whole hike, you're learning about how great this guy is and how he made this town and about how the industry that he brought here was, you know, what, you know, led it from just being a barren desert to a, you know, a thriving community. It's like, oh, but he also murdered someone. But they don't, like, try and explain it. It's very strange.

Was there a button you push for narration? You push it and it just goes, ba-da-ba-ba-dum-bum. No, you get to hear the sound effects. You say, oh, God! I'm being murdered by a magnate! Yeah, you get away with weird stuff back then. Yeah, right.

Do whatever you want. Joshua Tree sounds amazing. Joshua Tree was really fun. This was maybe a little more outdoorsy a vacation than I like to take, but I had a really good time. Wood return. Really? Yeah. Want to go?

Yeah, okay. Let's do this. When's the last time you two did go on a little like, you know what, forget. Like a retreat. Or Jesse, you were like, you know what, forget the wife and kid. I want to hang out with my best friend again like we used to. When was the last time that happened? Do a ropes course.

Yeah, just do a cool ropes course, some trust falls. We do our own trust falls. We do. Here at the office after the show. I guess that's bonding. If you want to participate. I don't want to. That's you guys.

Right. You know? No, I didn't want you to say yes. I know. I know. It was you guys. Right. You know? No, I didn't want you to say yes. I know. I know. It was a pro forma offer. We also say Latin phrases to each other. When we did our show in London, that was just you and I.

That was a little fun vacation. That was a little vacay. Just me and Jordan. We went around. Jordan went and did some of my fancy activities with me. When you say fancy activities, what do you mean? Well, I have this military transport vehicle. No, I mean, we drove it to London because it's aqueous.

I feel like you're about to say, if I'm in London, I'm going to live it up. Why not? I'm going to do some really fancy things. We did some fancy stuff. We had a mixed grill at a very fine restaurant called the Guinea Grill. Okay. But, you know, ultimately

we went into Santa Maria Novella, an apothecary, an Italian apothecary, where we purchased some high-end personal care products. Like what? Well, I purchased a non-alcoholic moisturizer, aftershave moisturizer.

Okay. And I believe I purchased a Latte Il Corpo for my wife, which is a body milk. That sounds great. It was really lovely. How did you know these things existed? I know a lot about fancy stuff. How do I know to buy this cash I know a lot about fancy stuff.

How do I know to buy this cashmere robe off of Craigslist? That's true. From a German man whore named Tristan. That sounds like a great time. Man whore is a German word, we should say. There's an umlaut in there. We're not being insulting. No, I have another.

I have a question for you. Did you buy any of this stuff? I did not. It was fun, though, to hang out. It was fun, yes. Absolutely, I have a question for you. Did you buy any of this stuff? I did not. You were just, it was fun though to hang out. It was fun, yes, absolutely. It sounds like a great time. It was really fun. Sounds great. We did all, we should, you know what, we should go back.

We should. We should make it a yearly thing. For a weekend. Yeah. Just for the weekend. In London for the weekend. Yeah, maybe we'll do, yeah, well, I was going to say French Riviera, we should throw that in too.

I have one more question. Please. Austria. I have one more question. I apologize. Did your wife enjoy the body milk? She did. She loves it.

And was there a noticeable difference in her skin? And you don't need to get silly, but was there a noticeable difference in her skin when she used the body milk? Was it milkier? Yeah. Was it milkier or wasn't it milkier? It's a little milkier. And you know what?

It has a really lovely odor. There you go. Thing. Yeah. You get what you pay for. I'll tell you what not to pay for. That really lovely odor. There you go. You get what you pay for. I'll tell you one other thing. That's the lesson of today's podcast. You get what you pay for. I'll tell you one more thing.

One of the things I really like about the aftershave lotion that I purchased is that the Italian word for non-alcoholic or containing no alcohol is anal colico. Okay. Which looks like anal colic, which I always laugh about every morning. I mean, you're upset if your baby is colicky, but if he's anal colicky, that's when you have to worry. Can I tell you something about my baby and his anal colic? I'd love to hear about your baby's anus.

My son doesn't know a lot of words, but he does fart a lot. And he has learned, thanks to my wife's really sweet, thoughtful instruction, when he farts, we don't want him to be ashamed of his bodily function. He goes, goes oh toots you know instead of instead of you know what parents usually teach their kids which is just go i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so disgusting and then they flog themselves with reeds we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Seth Rees-Onion, how are you? Hey, guess what? Sponsoring this week's program, Compass Rose Design. Our old pal Creek makes beautiful jewelry for both men and women out of real antiques and vintage items. I really like the cufflinks that she makes out of vintage blazer buttons. I think they're tremendous. She has like a lot of transit blazer buttons.

I think those are really cool because they can have a local connection. Sure. I think those are really cool because they can have a local connection. Sure. I picked some from the New York Railroad that said NY on them or NYC on them for that Etsy thing that I did the other day. Oh, terrific. Yeah. Anyway, they're really great. All kinds of cool stuff.

I mean, just all kinds of tons of stuff made from gears and bits and pieces and just beautiful antique things. Yeah, and people can get 15% off if you put in the discount code JJGO15. Yeah, just go to Compass Rose Design Jewelry, Compass Rose Design Jewelry, and type in the code JJGO15. What's up on the Jumbotron, Jordan? We've also got something on the Jumbotron here. What's up on the Jumbotron, Jordan? We've also got something on the Jumbotron here. From the writer of the covert custodian webcomic comes B-Squad, a new comic book about a cut-rate mercenary group facing equally ridiculous and dangerous missions. Each issue, a character will die as decided by the spin of a murderous mariner's gambling teetotum.

Which is not, I don't think that's a real word. Teetotum? That's at, I don't think that's a real word. Teetotum? That's at bsquadcomic.com. Yeah. Bsquadcomic.com. They're doing a Kickstarter for that. So you can find them at bsquadcomic.com or just search for B Squad on Kickstarter.

Hey, one other thing. Yeah. This will come out the day, on a Monday, on Wednesday of the week that this comes out. If you're a quick, fast Jordan Jesse Go listener in the San Francisco Bay Area, I am doing a Put This On sale on the day after Christmas, the 26th. My mom and I will be at Wing Tip in San Francisco, which is a beautiful store slash private club. It's a totally amazing place.

And I will have a huge box full of our handmade pocket squares at bargain cut rate prices. Even if you don't want to buy anything, though, just stop by, say hi. We'll be there noon to 6 on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. Wingtip, it's in the financial district. You can look it up at wingtip.com. And we should also probably mention ask.metafilter.com. Yes, absolutely. Ask.metafilter.com. Yes, absolutely. Ask.metafilter.com.

Our good friends lo these many years. A great place to ask a question like, what is the best adhesive for sex toys? I'm trying to make a flower for the inside. Where can I find a decommissioned military vehicle? Sure. I'm trying to fill it with sex toys. Yes. I'm a weirdo.

Yeah. Online at ask, thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, just go to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap. It's easy. We'll share your message with the world on many of our MaximumFun.org podcasts. If you want to sponsor MaximumFun.org podcasts, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. T-H-E-R-E-S-A. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Seth, Seth. Hi. Can you stretch? Hi. Hi. We're giving you the stretch. Hi. Stretch it out. Hi. We need time.

Don't loop it. Hi. Don't loop it. Stretch. Hello. Stretch. There you go. Good. Hello.

Good. Hello. And stop. Thank you. Great. Good. Good. Thank you.

That was a good thing. Good under pressure. Ladies and gentlemen. Good under pressure. Seth Reese by Steve Reich. He can vamp. That was a good thing. We just did a thing and it was good.

You know, when something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they give us a call at 206-984-4FUN to share it with us. It's for a segment called Momentous Occasions. Brian Fernandez, hit that play button. Jordan, Jesse, go. I just drove by a grown man, probably 25 years old, in like a wave cap on his front porch. But on the rest of his body, he was wearing a blue onesie with little teddy bears on it.

He seemed to be trying to corral some several miniature Dobermans back into his home. But yeah, so wave cap, 25-year-old man, blue onesie, whatever. Bye. Sometimes you've got to take a break from your adult baby play. Yeah. Because you got to do some training with the pups. The Dobermans. Did this guy just drive by the set of a David Lynch movie?

Like, is this all? He's like, and weirdly, he was eating a huge slice of apple pie. Is it talking backwards? Where did this take place? I don't know. He didn't say. America. Yeah.

It was an America thing? Almost certainly America. Okay. Yeah, the back streets, back roads of America. Yeah. I didn't know they had adult onesies. They do, yeah. If you've ever looked in Sky Mall, they've got a whole section devoted to adult onesies.

Well, I know there's the adult ones that like keep you comfortable and keep you warm. It's like everyone needs to be snuggly. It keeps you snuggly. But I didn't know there was stuff with like dogs and stuff on them. Are we talking about a onesie? Where a onesie, you know, without legs that snaps under the crotch? Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess maybe we're thinking of jammies.

Like a jammy or a union suit. Okay. That's what we're thinking this person had on. Yeah, I guess I'd call that a onesie with the feet and the bottom that drops out, right? What is that? That's a union suit. Okay. Well, no, you're talking about footie pajamas if it has feet.

Okay. Usually with the bottom that comes off, you're talking about a union suit. Okay. That's a type of underpants. But the feet is where, that's where we get into jammy territory. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I guess I see those in SkyMall and it has these like, you know, just goofuses and like goofing around. There is an adult baby section in SkyMall now. Uh-huh. Diades. And giant babas. Cribs.

Giant cribs. Yeah. Giant babas. There's like there's like weirdos out there who like sleeping in cribs and being treated

like babies and stuff. Yeah. They're called adult babies. That's a thing that exists. Sometimes they also like to train attack dogs. Do you approve or disapprove?

Do you find this I'm inclined to disapprove of about 95% of all human activity. Sure. Do you find it more or less repellent than military vehicle filled with dildos? I find it less repellent. Okay.

You would rather hang out with an adult baby than someone who created it. I like the dildos better. In terms of approval? Yeah, I approve of the dildos because I like how it unfolds like a flower, and I like how it reminds me of that famous giant stink flower. Here's what I do like, too. And Universal Soldier, of course.

What if Universal Soldier was a little sexier? Sure. The Timothy Hutton version. The Timothy Hutton Universal Soldier, yes. I like to imagine that the guy in the onesie. The Eric Roberts Universal Soldier. Sorry, I just thought imagine that the guy in the onesie. The Eric Roberts universal soldier. Sorry, I just thought of a good one. Go ahead.

I like to think about the man in the onesie makes a really great living. Yeah. I like to think that he makes a great living and he lives comfortably. And that's why he can make his own choices? And he can just go out there in the onesie. I like to think he's doing well for himself. Is there a mama prostitute? I bet there is.

Are you talking about my family or what were you saying? A mummy prostitute. I know that your mother is a prostitute? I bet there is. Are you talking about my family or what were you saying? A mummy prostitute. I know that your mother is a prostitute. I wouldn't have brought that up. I'm the child of a male

and a female prostitute. That's sweet. That's really sweet that they found each other. That sounds like that could be a Gerard Butler or Katherine Heigl movie. I'd watch that movie.

You know where I bet they found each other? Craigslist. Saved RSS. Lonely Gigolo. MP for FP. You have sex for money? I have sex for money. Coffee?

Let's take the next call. 420 friendly. 420 friendly. Hey, Jordan, here's a go. This is ET3 Acosta, the USSU teamer. I have a momentous occasion. Just got off of a nine-month deployment and I met my seven-month-old baby for the first time.

Thanks for doing your podcast and helping the deployment go quicker. I have a question. Please. Seth, why was that man lying? Why would that man make up such a beautiful story because he's some demented man who's lying to everyone? He's one of our millionaires. He's probably a hero. That story is not real.

He's one of our naval seamen. He just got off. He said, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lie to some people right now. And he called and he made up this story. It seems. That's what it was. That was Ensign Peacock from the USS Iwo Jima.

He's not lying. Yeah. He's a hero. He said the name of the ship. He just met his seven-month-old. You can't just go around making up names of ships. You know what? I think this guy just joined the military to get out of dealing with the first seven months of a baby, which are a real fucking hassle. That's when you want to slide in.

No, I'm joking. What a beautiful story. It is a beautiful story. I wonder if he was like, should I make the baby eight months old or seven months old when I call in and lie? No. No. This guy is defending our freedom. Should I make the baby eight months old or seven months old when I call in and lie? No. No. This guy is defending our freedom.

When I call in to make these guys gut wrench him and give him this beautiful story, how am I going to lie? That's what he's like. I'm going to lie. What does he stand to gain? What does he stand to gain? He's just trying to lose a liar. He's doing this for prestige. Yeah, he's a lying man. Granted, this is a very prestigious program, but I don't think-

When people call, we do send them a Blu-ray copy of The Prestige directed by Christopher Nolan. Yeah, I know who it's directed by, right? All right. All right. Maybe some people don't. Is that the one with David Bowie? Yes, David Bowie plays Tesla in it. Well, then that's settled.

Next call. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Tony in Seattle. Just calling with a momentous occasion after two years worth of work a month in africa and three trips to court uh we have finally uh finalized the adoption of our son theo uh so every day is father's day more powerful than more powerful than ever thanks you know what set? Now my bullshit meter's going off because I believed the last guy, but now I'm starting to smell a little bit of the old. You guys got a bunch of liars listening to you.

No. These are good, decent people. No, I don't. These aren't people of questionable morality. These are solid citizens. And yeah, the prestige is a little bit hard to find on Blu-ray. And it could be that they're just looking for the... But easier to find than The Illusionists and very well.

It should be because it's a better film. Now, you know, I know these guys aren't lying. They're lying through their teeth. Oh, boy.'t lying. They're lying through their teeth. Oh, boy. No, they're not lying through their teeth. They're telling the truth through their telephone handsets. Because they've done wonderful things. Congratulations, buddy.

Seth. No. Seth. What? This is a real man who's done a beautiful thing. All right. Congratulations. You're crossing your fingers. Congratulations. This is a real man who's done a beautiful thing Alright Congratulations You're crossing your fingers

Congratulations You crossed fingers on the other hand Now you're double crossing fingers Okay I'll do it again Congratulations You crossed your toes You shouldn't wear flip flops If you want to secretly cross your toes

So that you can sarcastically... Let's just take another call. Hi, I live in Syria. I just overstepped the government. One more call. Hey, Jordan and Jessica. My name is Caitlin, and

I am just calling with a momentous occasion because I just walked out of my last final on my last day of college. And I know that happens every day for a lot of people, not every day, but it happens a lot for a lot of people. But I am the youngest of eight kids and the first one ever to graduate from college. And I graduated with honors.

And I can't even describe how awesome it is. Oh, and I'm getting tattoos later this week. So that's awesome, too. Thank you for talking about them. So I hope you guys have a great day. Bye. Now this lady. Yeah, I mean, the other ones you can make a case for, but this is just a bald face.

The other one seems sincere. This woman. You could hear her making the jack-off motion with her hand while she was talking, basically. Pulling the wool over old. I bet you if she were here right now and I asked, what's the name of your seven siblings? She'd be like, Erica, Donna, and she'd fall apart. Erica, Donna, Versace, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Mick. Kid's name.

All right, you just said kid's name. I do want to go on the record and say that for all the people who called, if you weren't lying, congratulations, though I know you were. That's what I want to go on the record and say that for all the people who called, if you weren't lying, congratulations, though I know you were. That's what I want to say on the record. And this is the podcast of record. Congratulations on graduating from college and taking the last final. See, isn't that nicer to be nice, Seth?

Doesn't that feel good? Congratulations on overthrowing the Syrian army. Now put on your shoes. It's time for dinner. We're going to meet Grandma and Grandpa at the Prime Rib Place. Congratulations on the sun. Thank you. You can't just eat seasoned salt. Again.

There isn't another caller, right? There's only going to be four. No, there's four callers. I really like this segment a lot. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun to call people on their bullshit. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. It's Jordan and Jessie Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. L.A., baby. L.A., baby. L.A., baby. L.A., baby. Those are something new. Something new. L.A., baby. L.A., baby. No, it just sounds slightly different. Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Los Angeles. And we're playing you off. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. by Steve Reich, composed of tape loops in the late 1960s, early 1970s. God, this is the best day of my life. Seth, it's really been fun to have you on the program. It's been great to be here. I'm pretty confident that folks out there will pick up a copy of The Onion Book of Known Knowledge. They'll watch the television program that you're writing for that's hosted by a friend of ours who's been on this show. Yeah. It's not a new show.

It's a continuing show. We won't say what the show is. Don't. And, of course, they're going to continue to read The Onion and support what I think is kind of a no-brainer, which is getting the onion of Pulitzer. Well, if any of your listeners are familiar, about a year and a half ago, we – well, we had another – a nonprofit organization campaign for Pulitzer for the onion on our behalf. It was a FASB, Americans for Fairness, and awarding journalism prizes. And they just took up the cause on their own. We had nothing to do with it. Right. Sure.

And it turned out the head of the president of a FASB swindled us out of millions and millions of dollars. He skipped the country. Yeah. He skipped the country, yeah. But speaking seriously, if certain people can get Pulitzers, we should be able to get a Pulitzer, right? Yeah. If a cartoonist – speaking seriously, if a cartoonist can get a Pulitzer Prize, which is political cartoonist's commentary, I do think it would – it wouldn't be crazy or insane. Dave Barry's got one.

Dave Barry – Dave Barry's a funny man. Very funny man. Very friendly man. Dolph Lundgren has one. Very friendly and funny. He was – I don't think he does. He doesn't.

He's in Mensa or something though, right? Dave Barry? Dolph Lundgren. Isn't he in Mensa? Oh, he's been in Mensa since he was eight years old. Lou Gossett Jr.? I think I'm thinking of – Lou Gossett Jr. founded Mensa. Oh, he's been in Mensa since he was eight years old. Lou Gossett Jr.? I think I'm thinking of— Lou Gossett Jr. founded Mensa.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, then he's fucking—he's got to let Lundgren in. They're peasing a pod. Even if Lundgren scored like a couple points below whatever the cutoff is. If Lundgren wins the showdown, he's in. Right. We were at the Miami Book Fair presenting The Onion Book of No Knowledge with Dave Barry.

He wasn't there for that book, but we were just on a panel with him. Sure. And we got in there, and the crowd is noticeably older, but the room is packed. Everyone's there to see Dave Barry. And I got to say, he knocks it out of the park. He was hilarious. He was really good. Can I say, I've met Dave Barry on a couple of occasions.

A good friend of mine, sadly now passed on, was the founder of Dave Barry's band. And somebody asked about the band. So go on. I'm sorry. So she was good friends and she was married to his brother, Sam. So I have actually spent, on a few occasions occasions I have spent 40 minutes with Dave Barry. He is just as pleasant and funny a man as you could ever hope to meet. And the fact that he was able to generate that much admittedly dad comedy but excellent dad comedy on a daily basis.

And you know what's interesting though? Because I've read Dave Barry but I haven't read extensively. He basically did 20 minutes of stand-up because he didn't really have a book to promote. And some of it wasn't that. It didn't feel like that. It was just like

really kind of dark and weird stuff that he was coming up with off the top of his head. And it was really, really funny. And when he was doing that, I got the sense I should read more Dave Barry. Because I'm sure in his essays that there's more of this than we imagine there to be. We think Dave Barry. We think, oh, the guy who is making fun of old women driving.

But I bet if you read more of it, it's not all that. You're wrong. You're thinking of Irma Bombeck. I am thinking of Irma. Irma Bombeck is the one with the dark side. That's what I – yeah. I don't know. Dave Barry was cool.

It was nice. You know what, though? End of the day, you're right. You don't deserve a Pulitzer. You're right. Yeah. But it has been great to have you on this program. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. It's been fun to be here. Hey, I am going to be at SF Sketch Fest. So are you. Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe not.

Okay. Well, I will definitely. We're going to do. I will keep people updated as to whether or not I will be at SF Sketch Fest. Excellent. I will be bringing both Judge John Hodgman and Bullseye to the San Francisco Sketch Fest. Two important points to note. One, Judge John Hodgman, this is a Saturday night show.

This is a no-brainer. If you have a case, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJ Ho, if I remember correctly. It might be MaximumFun.org slash Hodgman. And you can submit your case there. We would love some great San Francisco cases for Judge John Hodgman. Obviously, both people have to be present. And a good Judge John Hodgman case is one that is not fake. Like not a generated thing that you – but something that you and the other party actually care about.

It can be small or big, but it should be real. Sounds awesome. And I'm going to be doing Bullseye in San Francisco at the Punchline Comedy Club. By the way, it's not clear from the Punchline's website, but no two drink minimum. It's like a four o'clock in the afternoon show or two o'clock in the afternoon show. You're not making people get drunk at four. Yeah, no. No, we're not.

But it should be a really amazing show. We have not announced the guests yet, but we're going to have some really great guests on this San Francisco show. Huey Lewis. No, I don't. We haven't booked Huey Lewis. But we are trying to book Huey Lewis. You should try. If you're wondering, are we trying to book Huey Lewis?

Yes. Yes. Great. We are trying to book Huey Lewis. The wheels are in motion. Hey, can I encourage the listeners to watch something on the internet? Is that okay? Oh, can I encourage the listeners to watch something on the internet before you start?

Please. Okay. My friend Jordan Morris is a very talented comic writer. Okay. He writes things for television a very talented comic writer. Okay. He writes things for television. He writes things for the internet. He writes things all over the place. He recently wrote a pilot.

And rather than simply submit his spec script, his pilot is for an original idea, a great original idea. Rather than simply submit it to networks and such as a script, he actually recorded it. It's a sort of a hybrid between a hybrid between an animatic and a staged reading. So he got together a great cast, they shot a beautiful video of it, and then

added awesome graphics to it. And it's called Freelance Beatdown. If you type Freelance Beatdown into the internet, you will find it. It's on YouTube right now. Yeah, I'll give my YouTube URL, youtube.com slash Jordan Morris. And I watched this

on my lunch hour on Friday, and I laughed my ass off. It is wonderfully drawn characters, both literally drawn, but also drawn by the script. It's super funny. The premise of this thing is that it is a guy who went to a special super spy high school, learned to be a super spy, but was kind of a slacker and ended up dropping out despite being very good at it.

but was kind of a slacker and ended up dropping out despite being very good at it and has been living the life of a slacker dude for the 12 years after that until he reaches his early 30s. And then because the spy organization that he trained with has had budget cutbacks, they're hiring freelancers to do jobs. They go back to him to do the occasional job while he wonders, like, is my band ever going to be successful? And why don't I have any actual furniture? That's great. It's a wonderful thing. It's called Freelance Beatdown.

I was just going to encourage people to watch a video online. Apparently a monkey got out of Ikea and was wearing a fur coat. It's very funny. But, yeah, I think you should probably also watch Freelance Pete Town, too. Thank you for doing that description for me. And I've really been enjoying your show Game Shop, too. Oh, thanks. Yeah, there you go.

Something else you can watch. That's at youtube.com slash start. So just do those things. You'll enjoy them. Colton Dunn involved in both. Yeah, Colton Dunn does a great job in both. Gets a lot of laughs in both. Sure.

Some chick from Heroes is in Game Shop. She is. From what I understand. Yeah. Okay, look, that's all we have to say about that. You can find us on Facebook

and like us, review us on iTunes. Brian Fernandez is on the board. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and Light in the Attic Records.

Make sure and buy this Onion book. It's really great, really hilarious. Thanks, Jesse. It is a magnum opus. And above all else, just type Pangea3000, spelling B, into YouTube and

watch a young Jesse Thorne. Maybe we're all younger there. I'm probably wearing that creamsicle suit in the video. You look great. Thank you. I'll remember it for the rest of my life. Thank you very much. You're welcome. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.