Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 256: Podcast Pregnant with J. Keith van Straaten

Episode Date: December 31, 2012

J. Keith van Straaten joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's experience at Gay Comic-Con (BentCon), baseball card collecting, their experiences in 2012, and new themes for 2013. Action item: Suggest a theme for 2013!  Email [e-mail] or call 206-984-4FUN.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Jordan, Jesse, Go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go. We're joined by the hilarious J. Keith Van Strat.

And Jordan goes to a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered comic con. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. A brisk winter afternoon in Los Angeles. A story in our hearts and a song on our lips. Oh, man, are we going to have to sing?

Yes! We're going to have to wassail. No, really? That's more... I mean, it's past Christmas. You don't want to go... It's going to be inappropriate to wassail. This Christmas, did you get a chance to go a wassailing? I didn't. I did have some figgy pudding. Right. Yeah.

And, you know, I played a joke on that stuffy old Parson Brown. Oh, that old Parson. Yeah. Anyway, I hope that he can marry me when he's in town. I hit him in the knee with a baseball bat. That's the trick you played on the parson? But I did not wassail.

Of all the kind of classic Christmas things. I guess you listed a lot of things that one traditionally associates with Christmas, but I wouldn't necessarily associate physical battery on a man of the cloth with the most significant Christian holiday. I don't know. I was man of the cloth with the most significant christian holiday well i mean i

don't know i just i was thinking of the song frosty the snowman the birth date of the christian messiah well i mean the the characters in frosty the snowman they build a snowman right and then say that it is parson brown that's pretty pretty fucking mean. That's defamatory. Because you're saying that he's cold? When he doesn't have a dick. He's frosty. Okay. He's a dickless.

Right. Several dickless balls of snow. I mean, all I did was bust his kneecap. But I mean. That'll heal the wounds to his reputation, to his good name from that song, which we all know will never heal. Have you heard the expression sticks and stones, Jordan? Yeah. Sticks and stones may break.

You literally broke his bones. Right. You know, baseball bats are kind of stick. So, yeah, I just wanted to do a real-world illustration of that famous cliche. Right. By assaulting a parson. Well, our thoughts go out to the family of Parson Brown. He's fine.

He'll be on his feet. He'll be on his feet by March. We wish him all the luck in the world with his artificial patella. They've made a lot of advances in that area recently and um it'd be funny if the doctor was putting it in and he's like oh i thought you said nutella it turns out the doctor's been working on his own formula for nutella at home that's called artificial nutella yeah should we should we introduce our guest before this gets worse? Yeah.

Okay. You know him, of course, from television, where he hosted the television program Beat the Geeks. You know him, of course, from internet, where he's hosted many programs. You know him from the stage, where he's hosted shows ranging from the J. Keith Van Straten show to various game shows on stage. He's into game shows, I think. And, of course, you know him from tweeting me about a week ago that his Christmas wish would be to appear as a guest on Jordan Jesse Go.

And you know what? I could not miss the opportunity to grant a young boy his his christmas wish our guest jakey fan stratton and that's why it was the best christmas ever you're wait jesse you told me you told me he was 10 i i asked you earlier in the week oh who's going to be on the show this week and you're like oh a nice it's like a nice 10 year old boy whose christmas wish it was i meant that it's been 10 years since he's been on television okay okay jakey hey everybody welcome to jordan jesse thank you i hate to start off by by correcting you but i'd want to save you the trouble of all of the angry tweets that you're going to get yeah the song that you were referring to with parson brown is not Frosty the Snowman. It is Winter Wonderland.

Oh, excuse me. Unless there is a lost crossover verse that I was not aware of. Jordan writes a lot of universe spanning winter holiday fanfic. Yeah. Would all of my Christmas songs take place on something I like to call Earth 586? I see. And now there are alternate Earths, but all of my Christmas songs take place on Earth 586. I see. And now there are alternate Earths, but all of my Christmas songs take place on Earth 586.

And which of the ones have the nights that are not quite so silent? That's what we call the negative verse. I try not to go there. Earth 586 is not in the negative verse, but there is a portal to the negative verse from Earth 586.

What we're going to do this summer is kind of a big event where all of my Christmas songs meet all the Christmas songs from the negative verse, and it's going to be a big event. Negverse Con. Yeah. Very excited for that. Sure. It's going to be amazing. Big summer event.

I've already got my pull list in. Good. And then some, like, Watchmen prequels. Yeah. So there's all kinds of shit going on. All kinds of fun stuff going on. In Jordan's fantastic world. Christmas Watchmen.

Now, here's the thing, J. Keith Van Straten. Yes, finally. I either interviewed you or almost interviewed you long ago. We discovered this, I believe, we have not met before. No, we've never met in real life. Google Hangout together. Yes, yes, that's true. J. Keith Van Straten appeared on our Max Fun Day Google Hangout, as I recall.

Just a visiting celebrity from television. Yes, that actually is my Google Plus name. Excellent. Visiting celebrity from television. And, yeah, also the late Tom Snyder stopped by too, didn't he? I think you... Is he dead? I think you were...

He is dead. Okay. Not the Tom Snyder that was actually on the show. No, I'm talking about the late, late show. Not long ago. Yeah. Craig Ferguson died? No, no, he's fine.

Oh, okay. You said late, late show. And very likable. Oh, totally. Tom Snyder used to... Not the Tom Snyder who was on our show, but journalist Tom Snyder used to host the show after David Letterman? Pseudo-journalist Tom. Yeah.

The Tomorrow Show people a little older might also remember. Okay. Yeah. Smoking a lot, Tom Snyder. That's right. Smokes on TV, Tom Snyder. Dan Aykroyd impersonate tea. Yes.

Tom Snyder. Yes. impersonate T. Yes. Tom Snyder. Yes. I think I either interviewed you or emailed with you about the possibility of arranging an interview. When I was still working, I had a brief on-air stint at Babble On, the short-lived young

adult talk station on XM Satellite Radio, where music was always playing in the background. Did they call it one of the seven wonders of satellite radio? Yes, they did. And there was also a really lovely hanging garden. I've heard that's lovely. And I can't remember whether I actually interviewed you or not. You're in great company, though. Neil Gaiman.

Ooh. Rapper J Live. Mm- Live, and theater actor Danny Hawk were, as I recall, the lineup of other interview guests. So you had three guests total, four guests? I hosted for a week. Ah, okay. It was a short run. And you didn't have guests for each day. This was, at the time, XM Satellite Radio was so understaffed that when someone went on vacation, an intern hosted the show for a week.

And that was? Me. You. Okay. I was an intern there at the time and hosted their morning show for a week. Is that an important slot in radio? It is. Okay.

Both. Drive time. Without the guest or without the host or the producer. The producer was some other intern that I had never met before. It was as though you just put two guys who had never done a show of any kind on the radio in the main driving time period on your station. Luckily, no one was listening except this one guy whose name I think was Phil from Dave from PA. He's great. Now, you should know that my publicist presented it to me in a much different way. Okay.

I said, this is a great opportunity. Right. Satellite radio. Sure. It's very hot. Sure. Of all the shows you want to get on the drive time. Sure. We want to be, we want to get on in the drive time, it's hot. We want to try to hit those teens and young adults.

Right, tweens. The influencers, I believe they called them. Absolutely. Early adopters. Long-haul truckers. Oh, absolutely. The guy that drove Lisa Loeb's van. Like young long-haul truckers.

Like hip. Like they wore the trucker hats. Yeah, right. That's where people got it, was from looking at these sexy young truckers. Hip. Like they wore their hats. They wore the trucker hats, but – Yeah. Right. That's where people got it was from looking at these sexy young truckers. Right. So do you – here's my question and my concern, J. Keith Van Straten. And I just want to get it out there. Finally.

I get a tweet from a J. Keith Van Straten saying – and I'm not going to turn down J. Keith Van Straten. He's been on television. He's a known quantity. He's a known quantity. It's a fun story. Okay. I'll say yes to J. Keith Van Straten. I've never met the man. He could be homicidal.

But, hey, he popped into a G chat one time. That was fun. So I said yes. And I got worried. Uh-oh. What if J. Keith Van Straten is asking every telling every podcast in america that it's his christmas wish to appear on that podcast what if you're here and tomorrow you're fulfilling your other christmas wish to be on the nerdist yeah and then your other christmas wish to be on the

indoor kids people do not like i mean if, if people subscribe to this podcast and one of the other ones you're jumping on, they're going to get mad at us when they hear the same stories. Well, the one thing I know about podcasts is that you never see crossover of guests. No. That is true. It would be very, very unusual if you were to see my name on another guest. There's a gentleman's agreement. There is.

With the other podcast. That's right. You don't have to get into this Arsenio Leno thing. I do have to say, I'm a little gun shy. We had a delightful show with Jonathan Katz and Tom Snyder the other podcasters. That's right. You don't have to get into this Arsenio Leno thing. I do have to say I'm a little gun shy. We had a delightful show with Jonathan Katz and Tom Snyder the other day, just a couple weeks ago. And I knew Jonathan Katz. I had talked to him multiple times on the phone. I had helped him with his podcast in the early days of podcasting.

And so I thought when I got an email from his assistant that said, oh, we want to come on your podcast, I thought it was based on that. Based on our established rapport. Me and noted comedian and podcaster Jonathan Katz. Until the week after he stopped in here when I noticed that he was the guest on every podcast in America. He had essentially come to Los Angeles on a podcasting tour. Yeah. Which, bless his heart, he continues to be a wonderful and talented and brilliantly hilarious man. It was a great episode, but sure.

But I was surprised. Yeah. Yes. Also, he did not seem to have material unique to each podcast. No. It seemed that the same jokes and stories were part of the tour as well. They came along with him. Yeah, well, you know, but well executed.

Oh, absolutely. You can't say. You got to hand it to Jonathan Katz. The man did a nice job. Absolutely. You're not one to criticize a former guest after they've appeared. I'm just like, what worries me about that is. For the most part, no.

Oh, boy. What worries me about that is that we might get AIDS. Wait, he does not. Like, it's kind of a promiscuous. I mean, you know, I'm just worried that we might get AIDS. Wait, he does not... It's kind of a promiscuous... I'm just worried that we... Don't they say that if you have a guest on your podcast,

they're not just your guest. All the other podcast hosts who they've been a guest of are also a guest. Is that why you're wearing that condom on your head? I don't know. I just... I thought he was doing his Howie Mandel. I will do that later. Okay, good.

Later on he's going to be doing – I will do that. I'll do the Bobby's World voice. Oh, fantastic. But, yeah, I mean, I'm just concerned about my immune system, frankly. Well, I mean, I wouldn't be concerned, frankly, about podcast AIDS. I would be concerned first and foremost about podcast clap. That is more common.

Has your podcast dick been burning lately? It hasn't, but I have missed my podcast peering in. Oh no, your podcast's pregnant! Ah, I'm late! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La la la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, hat. Oh, yeah? Now, what is that? What's the ideal environment for that hat? Well, the hat does have an Angels logo, which is a baseball team that I support. Well, in the desert. Truly more desert camo. Desert digital camo. Yeah.

You're a supporter of the Anaheim Angels. I am. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Excuse me. Yes, I am. The California Angels. Wally Joyner. Those are also true things that occurred.

That's excellent. I did not know they had fans. Jim Abbott. One arm. Jim Abbott. You got it. You're on it, Jordan. Thank you.

Thank you. This is like a sports podcast now. Yeah, pretty much. Which one of you is Randy and which is Jason? Yeah. We're going to talk to... We're going to talk to Shitty Phil and Poughkeepsie. Shitty Phil. I don'tepsie. Shitty Phil.

I don't know. That's the name of one of our favorite callers. I used to listen to KNBR 68, the sports leader in San Francisco for my Giants games. Sure. And one of their regular callers on Gary Radnich's show, a local sportscasting legend in the Bay Area, Gary Radnich. local sportscasting legend in the Bay Area, Gary Radnich. At one point, Gary Radnich was doing sports on the

5 and 11 o'clock news and also the morning radio show on KNBR that started at 5 a.m. So he would go till midnight on TV and then his other show would start at 5 a.m. Anyway, he had a regular caller named

Johnny the Gout Man. That's a good one. show would start at 5 a.m anyway he had a regular caller named johnny the gout man i remember specifically one one episode of the show where gary radnich said to johnny the gout man johnny do you know what gout is and he said yep i've got it there you go that's nice that he can have fun with his yeah affliction you know? Yeah, a lot of diseases, a lot of people with diseases just are so uptight about it. Especially chronic pain-related diseases. Have some fun with this. Absolutely. Have some fun. Okay, so let's get back to this baseball cap.

So are you from the Anaheim Angels area? No, I'm originally from Chicago, Illinois. And how did you become, you you do you just loved wally joiner uh i did enjoy wally joiner but i was actually at the time i grew up a huge cubs fan all the way through high school and college and and after and uh it was just a metamorphosis that just sort of happened i did a lot of work on myself and uh did you were you living out here when you became an angel supporter yes yes i was well then the answer is easy you couldn't be a Dodgers fan. They're fucking assholes.

True. So you had to pick the other team. Absolutely. You know, that one that no one actually cares about. And yet has won the World Series more recently. Yeah, I know. A remarkable run of success. That's right.

Certainly so. And people care about them more now than they did before. Absolutely. But I'm not one of those, what do you call it? Fair weather fans. Bandwagon. Bandwagon. I was thinking gravy train, but that is.

You're on the YouTube channel hosting gravy train right now. Absolutely. When it comes to gravy trains. Oh, well, you know, I like meals that make their own gravy. Sure. So you like cat food. That's what you're saying. Dog food?

Dog food. I've been loving dog food. Dog food. Dog food. I think dog food. The San Diego Padres, San Diego being a military town, started this trend of military-styled uniforms on military days. And I believe they now do it on all Sunday home games. Oh, do they really? That's over the top. A little bit.

You know, like on Armistice Day and whatnot. So they wore camo uniforms with their logos on it. The Angels, being a team that's not that far from San Diego and wanting to sell merchandise, apparently have... I believe every team has some sort of camouflage type hat. It was... Oh, boy. I know. So this is for a situation.

You're in the field. You're in what looks like a wooded area. Sure. And you're playing baseball, but you want to remain undetected by the enemy. But only part of me. I only want the top of my head to not be seen by the enemy. The rest is fair game. But this is where I keep my dreams.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. They can take your body. That's right. They can take your everything else. That's right. It's fair game.

You can take my heart, my liver, but not take my dreams. Don't touch those dreams. Nope. They can take your body. That's right. They can take your everything else. That's right. It's fair game. You can take my heart, my liver. Yeah. But not take my dreams. Don't touch those dreams. Nope. They cannot be killed. And you know what, Jordan? The cardigan sweater that you're wearing right now is in an olive drab.

Yeah. Do you think you could loan it to Jay Keith? I almost wore an olive cardigan today. That would have been embarrassing. That would have been very embarrassing. I would have pretended that we didn't plan it. Oh, really? That would have been embarrassing. That would have been very embarrassing. I would have pretended that we didn't plan it. Yeah, and then we

would have kissed. Jordan, I, I want to, I didn't come here to talk about J. Keith Van Straten's hat, although that has been a lot of fun. It got me thinking

about Wally Joyner, Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, the one-arms pitcher. He switched his glove onto his hand when he had to field from his stump.

Very brave man. I remember getting in trouble. I think a teacher heard me on the playground as a kid putting one arm inside my shirt and then throwing a ball and saying I was Jim Abbott. And I remember getting sent to the office for that because I was insensitive towards people. That seems more of an homage than a mocking. I know. I had a Jim Abbott baseball card. That was a tribute.

But I did say, I am Jim Abbott, duh, which is maybe why they thought it was defamatory. I got really fat and then said I was Don Baylor. Am I right, Angels fans? Am I right, Angels fans? Am I right, Angels fans? And then you hit yourself with the... I'm sure you are. You know what's going on. So Jordan, what I really want to know about is something that

I have basically... If we had not gotten off on a tangent about that dildo art, that military dildo art last year, last week on the program, which, by the way, a listener was nice enough to give us a link to a huge New York Times article about the dildo art. Yeah, well, I mean, the house specifically that the dildo art was in,

did you hear last week's show? I did, and thank goodness, because this would be a very different experience if I hadn't. No need to catch you up. No. So, yeah, what I was interested in is in that article, they didn't show the dildo art. Is that something you can't show in a newspaper? They did. So I saw, so there's pictures on page two.

Did they use the word dildo? For folks who... I think they said sex toy. Yeah, for folks who are just tuning in now, a couple weeks ago, Jordan went on a weekend adventure trip with his bros to Joshua Tree, a state park here in California. A national park. National park? National Monument, I believe it is. National Monument here in Southern California. Stayed in a traditional sort of mid-century ranch, modern-style home.

And found that there was a military vehicle in the back that opened automatically and revealed a gallery of lighted, translucent flowers made out of dildos. Is that about something? And butt plugs and anal beads. Yes. It was not just dildos. That about sums it up. And butt plugs and anal beads. Yes. It was not just dildos. No. Yeah. No, that would be hack.

Do you think those were... Yeah, that's done. That's played. Do you think those were surplus or do you think he purchased those new? I don't... Yeah. I don't know. Can you just get like a wholesale thing, get a crate of them straight from China or wherever

they're made? I don't know. Hello, dildo store? I'd like a gross, please. Well, you have to think that some of them areildo store? I'd like a gross, please. Well, you have to think that some of them are irregular. Sure. It was like a fire sale.

Yeah. Okay. And maybe you went to the outlet store. Sure. That's a good way to get a bunch of dildos. Mm-hmm. But yeah. In bulk. But cheap.

Cost. Sure. Okay. So a listener was kind enough to send us a link to an article about that. That's cool. I didn't see the pictures. I was wondering if that was too gross a thing to put in the newspaper. I saw the pictures.

They were alarming. The old gray lady. Right. York Times fails to do its job, which is to clearly and for an all ages, all audiences audience explain something. Yeah. I remember reading that article and thinking like, is this the place that I was in? I guess. Yeah.

It really added nothing to the clarity of my vision of this dildo wonderland. Yeah. Well, if you don't use of this dildo wonderland. Yeah. Well, if you don't use the word dildo, I don't see how it's going to be downhill from there. If you just use anal beads, it's really an incomplete picture. Just like in dating. But I was very grateful to that listener who was kind enough to do that for us. But that was all sort of – that came up and look, that happens, you're going to talk about it. But there's something that happened to you also in the past couple of weeks that I am really excited to talk about, which is you were a featured guest at a GLBT.

That's gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender for those. There's more letters now, aren't there? I think they've added letters, but I do not. I never heard in that order. I always hear LGBT, LGBT. Maybe that's a regional thing. So they do G like hoagie and grinder. Yeah, absolutely.

A BLT. Which are the apps you use to have sex when you're in either upstate New York or southern California. Hoagie is the app if you're in Albany. Anyway, yes, I was at an all-gay Comic-Con. Hold on. Hold on just a second. I got a buzz in my pocket. Oh, it's just my submarine sandwich app.

You must be from the Midwest. What do they call it? That? I don't know. Submarine sandwich. Okay. Hell, I don't know. Get that with a nice pop.

Nice kind of pop. Yeah, nice pop. I like them toasted. Oh, okay. That's Quiznos. My buns. Your buns. Sure.

Yes, I was at an all-gay Comic-Con. It's called BentCon. It takes place at the Burbank Marriott. Sure. I think it was – this was its first year, and I think it was, like, kick-started. I think it was a, you know, a thing that was kind of crowdfunded. And I was there. There's a popular show at the UCB down here called Tournament of Nerds.

There's a popular show at the UCB down here called Tournament of Nerds. And this is kind of like a it's like a high school debate style thing where people play a character from pop culture and they kind of debate who would win in a fight. You know, it's, you know, Superman or Wonder Woman or, you know, Mega Man or another pop culture character. I can't think of that many. The Predator, let's say. Good. I thought of a fourth one. So, yeah. So I and I.

Kramer. Kramer. Yeah, right. Exactly. And so they did. So and they will travel to cons and stuff and do this show. And I guess for this one, they had this was the first kind of all gay version of the Tournament of Nerds. So it was like Uncle Arthur from Bewitched versus Snagglepuss.

It was like – Wait. Are you outing Snagglepuss? Yes. Yes. Was this the battle of the broad gay stereotype? Yeah, it basically turned into that. And one guy was just James Franco. He was the man James Franco.

So, yeah, that's kind of what it turned into. The villain from Dune was one of them. Oh, there was... Anyway. Just anyone who's ever talked like him. Anyone, yes. Every guy who works everywhere in the Flintstones. This is a Murgatroyd.

Right, yeah, exactly. Very good impressions, by the way. I was very impressed by everyone's impression. Yeah, it did a great job. A lot of really nicely sibling S's. Yes, exactly. A lot of very limp wrists. So, yeah, so I was a, I was, I take over as host sometimes when past guest Hal Rudnick can't host this show.

Hilarious man. I sometimes host this, and I jumped at the chance to host. So, yeah, so I did a little bit of hanging around at Gay Comic Con beforehand, and the first thing I went to was the costume parade. Something that I noticed about the costume parade is way, way, way more DC characters than Marvel characters. Really? Yeah.

Is the DC universe gayer? I guess so. Do you? I know that you will read a comic book from time to time. Sure. Superheroes fighting and whatnot. Do you read comic books from both of these universes uh i do yeah well let's see i don't think i keep up with anything marvel these days i should be clear i only read savage dragon sure you only read image comics yeah you only read things drawn by jim lee uh-huh uh wildcats when i was 10 years old prime uh, I guess I don't read a Marvel comic these days.

But, so yeah, so basically the only Marvel representative was Thor, which makes a lot of sense. Yeah, no, he's quite the beefcake. Right, exactly. So, yeah, I mean, basically the costumes, yeah, were either just to be salacious and sexy or accurate. So there really wasn't like there was not an agreement whether to go for the most accurate costume or the sexiest costume. So, yeah, a lot of DC characters, a lot of Nightwings, like a disproportionate amount of Nightwings. I can see that. Yeah. I don't know what a Nightwing is.

Nightwing is. I'll explain that. Yeah. I don't know what a Nightwing is. Nightwing is, I'll explain it to you. Nightwing is when Dick Grayson, the first Robin, left Batman to go solo. He became Nightwing. Okay, thank you. And there were a lot of those. There were a couple of accurate ones and a couple of sexy ones. Another Robin got killed by Joker.

Wow. I think you're right. I think you're right. I think you're right. Now I can picture it. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that was kind of amazing. Did anyone do a particularly striking – look, I don't want to talk about accurate. Yeah.

No one cares. Oh, great. You did a really well and accurate Nightwing. I want to talk about delightful, outrageous, and ridiculous. Yeah. Here's, I think- Was anyone's dong out? No.

No dongs were- I didn't see a single dong. You saw, like, the sides of butts. Where's your pride, people? I've been to pride. Let's see some. I mean, this could have been just a just like a rule imposed by the Burbank Marriott, though. Fair enough.

I mean, you know, you're the Burbank Marriott. You have a reputation. It says Glendale. Yeah, right. Yeah. Pull that kind of shit at the Ventura Marriott. Yeah. Go to Rancho Cucamonga if you want to pull that shit.

Not in Burbank. Okay, so there was a mashup of Wonder Woman and Cher that was pretty good. Yes! That's exactly what I'm talking about! And that was a man. That's exactly what I want to see! That sounds really fun! There were a lot of male...

And here's a semantic problem that maybe you guys can help me with. There were a lot of male catwomans. And how do you say that? Is it male catwomen? Catmen? Because it's the character Catwoman, but it's a male version. So you say male catwomans? Is that the most grammatically problematic? Dick suit? No, dick suit. Yeah. catwoman, but it's a male version. So you say male catwomans?

Is that the most grammatically problematic? Is that just a dick suit? No, dick suit, yeah. Well, are they trying to be male versions of Catwoman, or they happen to be biological men? Oh, they are men. They are men. Are they doing gender play? Yes.

That's my question. Or are they... It is a drag situation. It's a drag situation. Yeah. And specifically, everybody seemed to be the Catwoman from the Batman Arkham City game, which is kind of a little bit of a steampunk Catwoman. She has like goggles.

You know, I've got a picture. Okay. You guys can banter for a second while I find this picture. I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm one of those people who people assume that I know a lot about and I'm into sci-fi and comics and all that, and yet I'm not. I'll just be over here, and when we talk sports again, let me know. Let me ask you this question.

Yes. If you were going to go to a gay sports convention, what gay sports figure would you dress up as? Ah, now we're right in my wheelhouse. Maybe gay Satchel page? O.C. Cairns Gay Co. Well, we've solved that. And we're back. Yeah.

I have this picture if anybody wants to see. Maybe you can just want to... Okay, I'm taking a look at this. Now, Jordan, you are... You're in this photograph. You're wearing a blazer. You're dressed as Will Ferrell in a college movie. Oh, I was cosplaying as one of Mitt Romney's sons.

Gotcha. That was my. And here with you is a very hairy gentleman wearing, yeah, because he's not... Here's the thing about it. And I'm going to pass this over to J. Keith Van Straten. Thank goodness. The thing about this gentleman is his drag costume is not...

He is not wearing drag. He is just a man wearing a Catwoman suit. Yes. That's the thing. That's the distinction that we're talking about here because he is not, you know, if you see somebody dressed as Diana Ross or Cher or something else from a drag show in 1981, then what you're likely to see, I don't know, what is it? You know, Lady Gaga or Christina Aguilera or something like that.

They're going to have some shapely aspects of themselves. Yes, they're going to have some parts of their outfit that involve simulating or at least creating a grotesque simulation. And I don't mean grotesque as in like blah, blah, blah. Grotesque as in outrageous and outlandish. Simulation of femaleness. That's just a dude in a leather onesie. In a leather onesie. Yeah. Like, if I didn't know that that was a Catwoman suit because you told me, I would think that

was just, you know, a pudgy person from the fetish community. Right, sure. Just a dorkus in a fetish outfit. There's a distinct lack of grooming or preparation beyond just wearing the costume that seems to be at play there. Yeah, I mean, he bought a nice – it looks like a nice quality costume. Yeah, it was. This isn't some Target vinyl type situation. No, yeah.

By the way, you can get a nice vinyl catsuit at Target. Sure, yeah. Michael Kors for Target. Right, exactly. For the sub or Kors for Target. Right, exactly. For the sub or dom on a budget. Yeah, exactly. Things at Target. Get some light bulbs.

So was it mostly that or were there people doing – what types of realness were people bringing? I guess is the question I'm asking. Various, various degrees of. Okay. So, yeah, and there were a lot of ones that were not trying to be sexy, but just like a lot of the anime characters that came up were just trying to be accurate. Yes. Like like a regular Comic-Con. Like that's the goal of regular Comic-Con is to. Well, that's what I was going to ask.

Yeah, sure. Do people feel that regular Comic-Con does not have a place for for gay fans? I don't you know, that's a good question. When I have been to Comic-Con, it would seem that there is a lot of gay stuff going on. There's a whole lot of gay stuff going on, if you ask me. And it seems like a pretty accepting place. But I think, here's the thing. I'm a heterosexual.

Sure. And when I went to Comic-Con, I hated it. So I'm not the target audience of either of these things. Sure. And when I went to Comic-Con, I hated it. So I'm not the target audience of either of these things. However, if I put myself in the shoes of a member of the GLBT community who's also noticed, I actually had a specific comic that I was looking for, something that was missing from a series. It was Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah, right. It was Gilbert Gottfried. The series was surprising Saturday Night Live cast members. Right. I need him and I needed Anthony Michael Hall. Sure.

Yeah. And Robert Downey Jr. And I needed Anthony Michael Hall. Sure. Yeah. And Robert Downey Jr. And so I was like, oh, well, I wonder if there will be just comics there. Like I had a particular Batman comic in question that I needed for a series. I would think it would just be gay comics.

It was. It was. That was the thing that I was wondering because I brought money because I was like, oh, I can buy some comics while I'm here. Yes. Some gay fun bucks, some Fire Island fun bucks. It was one of these situations where there was a little text box at the bottom of the screen and it said, see issue something, something, Ed. And you were like, I got to get this one. I got to get it. Yeah.

It was one of those situations. So I went and there was no comics there. There was only like there was two things on display. Like one, it was like a sensitive, you know, kind of Dan Clowes type. You know, Love and Rockets. hard that is. Like there was a lot of those and then just comic book characters fucking each other. Like there was, it was basically one of those, the booths were one of those two things. When you say comic book characters fucking each other. Yeah. Are you talking about, are you talking about comic books about people fucking each other or are you talking about comic book characters?

The Superman fucking Batman. Really? Yeah. And I, and I, so I had this money with me. So I had this cash. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to find this Batman comic that I'm after. That sounds dangerous for Batman, by the way. What?

If Superman fucked him. Oh, I think it's dangerous for anybody if Superman. I think of all the people that Superman can fuck, Batman's probably the most well-equipped. Yeah. Based on? His utility belt. Mm-hmm. I mean, one concern.

You know, and that's Batman's strong point in a battle is being able to kind of, you know, size up a situation to suss something out. Well, you're talking more of a superhero rape than consensual sex. Yeah. I mean, just because he agrees to it doesn't mean he's not trepidatious. Okay. Fair enough. Doesn't mean he's not on his guard. Just because he agrees to it doesn't mean he's not trepidatious.

Okay, fair enough. Doesn't mean he's not on his guard. He's probably heard the song Rapper's Delight, and he knows to be concerned about being busted out with Superman's super sperm. Sure. Is that in there? Yeah. That's funny. So I have this money, and I'm like, well, what would I buy here? I guess I could buy a sensitive indie comic about growing up gay.

So you had brought enough money for one comic? Yeah, right. My mom gave me 85 cents and I had two bottle caps and a frog and a slingshot. So I'm like, well, what would I buy here? I'm like, well, if I see a drawing of kensuke ryu's dick i'll buy that i will buy that and frame it like that is a good enough conversation piece i did not see that and what was that conversation that you were imagining that's a conversation piece what would that conversation be uh well is that Is that Ken's?

Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, that's about how it would go. That's pretty vivid. Yeah. And then she would say, boy, you're cool. Let's do it. Oh, you meant it was a woman in this situation.

Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful woman that I brought back to my house, and I'm showing my art collection of one piece. In my mind right now, you're going through the fuck pics. Yes, I was. At Comic-Con. And you're like, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat, Pit Fighter. Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat. Guilty Gear. Oh, boy.

King of Fighters. Gosh, what about the classics? Where is Ken sucking Ryu's dick? 4D boxing. That is just – Just weird polygons. Yeah. Clay fighter.

Baseball stars. Yeah, right? But I think by far – Eddie sucking off Matthew. By far the best thing that I saw. This is hands down the best thing that I saw was a guy. I think it was a man. I couldn't see. And like regular Comic-Con, the dudes far outnumbered the women like by basically the same ratio, which was interesting.

I thought maybe there would be the main thing that I was really looking forward to was there being a lot of like punk rock lesbians because that's like I really like a punk rock lesbian. Yeah, but aren't you going to need to go to the Alternative Press Expo for that? I think so. I think that's probably the crowd.

That's where your black and white confessional comics are vended. Oh, fantastic. Sure. So, and comics made of clip art. Those two things, basically. So, yeah. So I think this was a man, just by ratio.

But it was a – you couldn't tell because he was in a robot suit. And when I say robot suit, I mean like a 1950s, like Lost in Space type. Danger Will Robinson type situation. Right, right. And it had those arms. It had those like flailing kind of spring-loaded arms. Oh, did it have the pinchers on the end? Pinchers?

Yeah. I mean, this was as elaborate a robot costume as I have seen. Like, gay Comic-Con. This guy was working on this since he was seven, and the idea of making a robot out of a cardboard box occurred to him. Right. And like, not only that, but it had like an exposed robot brain. It had a dome and all the then the dome inside had all these individual lights that lit up like all these individual. Are you sure this wasn't an actual robot? I mean, it may it may well have been. And it went up. It's so funny. It went up. The robot kind of shambled up during the costume parade.

And, you know, all the sexy characters would go up and do like a sexy dance and show their butt and stuff. And the robot just kind of ambled up there and roboted around. By the way, Gay Comic Con still just filled with bad club music. Right. So that is something that was. Yeah. Anyway. So, yeah, it's just shambling around up there.

But this robot, this exposed robot brain, just beautiful, all these lights lighting up and all these dials that seem to be kind of going into like individual circuits. It was so amazing. And yeah, it was so amazing and elaborate and it also, by

the mouth, just had a hole you could put your dick in. It had a dick you could put your dick in sized hole uh so yeah it's so funny this like that is the perfect marriage of form and function isn't it like it's this beautiful costume that that can also suck your dick like that guy really sucked a lot of dicks that night too do you think it's a popular fantasy to have your dick sucked by a robot i was thinking no but i'm saying if number one i'm not saying it's a popular fantasy yeah but i'm saying if you're a gay man that wants to get sucked off by a male all you need is one like where are you gonna go to do that you're gonna go to do that? That's true. You're going to go to Gay Comic Con. BentCon, I guess I should say. We should say that it's not called Gay Comic Con.

You're going to go to BentCon. Yeah. Okay. You're going to head down to the Burbank Marriott. How many people were at BentCon, would you estimate? A thousand people? Yeah, that's a pretty good number. So there's got to be four out of those who it's occurred to them that maybe they might like to get their dick sucked by a male robot.

I even thought like, I mean, like I wouldn't know it's a guy in there. I guess I mean, I could get my dick sucked by this robot probably. Maybe not, though. Maybe I'm making the robot out to be less discerning than he is. You see the robot. I mean, I don't know how discerning he could be, but a dick hole in his costume. So, but you see a robot costume sort of the way that a closeted congressman sees a glory hole. Sure.

Yes, exactly. You put it in there and who knows what happens. Could be Rosario Dawson in there for all I know. Sure, I can understand that. But I think the moral of the story is that if you've got a thousand homosexual nerds of whom 750 are gay men. And of those 750, one in a hundred has thought about it would be fun to get my dick sucked by a male robot. That is seven and a half dudes who are going to find the guy with the costume from the

costume contest. Sure. They're going to be sitting watching this costume contest becoming aroused. Sure. Flustered. Flustered. Yes. Becoming flush.

Hot under the collar. Oh my, is that a male robot? And steam starts coming out of their ears. And then, you know, they're going to give them their card. Room key. They're going to give them their blimpies code.

Oh, right. Sandwich. Yeah, great. So yeah yeah no bent bent con was great it was really fun i would i would absolutely go back and how many times did you come in the robot i mean like i came first but i still wanted to keep my getting my dick sucked so i mean you know i just left it in there i'm trying of... The robot sucked my flaccid dick for a while. BentCon sounds pretty fun to me. It was pretty fun.

BentCon sounds like a good time. And I'm trying to think if there's other sort of specific subsets of the nerd community whose con I would enjoy going to, given that I didn't particularly enjoy the large-scale con. So far, all I've come up with is Tongan con. What I like about that is that Tongans are so huge. I know that when the Tongan field day happened outside my dad's house in the park in San Francisco, I always enjoyed that because they play a lot of cricket. You wouldn't say that's nerds, though, right?

But there's got to be nerds in the Tongan community. Yeah, yeah. I guess they're nerds. Or maybe it could just be white nerds who are like Tonga aficionados. I would expand it to the larger Pacific Islander community. Okay. Except that I don't want – part of what makes this fun to me is that everyone is enormous. And not all Pacific Islanders are enormous, mostly Tongans and Samoans.

Sure. So if there was a Tongan and Samoan, I mean, look, there's other large – Sure. There's a large Filipino probably. Tonga and Samoa, you're talking about a preponderance of very tall, very wide people. Just huge people. And you want to be among them while they're nerding out comics. While they're nerding out.

That seems fun to me. And their special costume contest, that seems fun because they're such large people. J. Keith Van Straten, what's the closest you've ever been to a con? Like baseball card convention? I went to a lot of baseball card conventions in high school and through college as well. Okay. All the way through college. Oh, very.

Clean through college. I was very lonely in college. Well, you're a little older than we are. Thanks. Were you? Were you? No, but I think the baseball card collecting culture had shrunken so dramatically by the time I was in high school that there wasn't much to go to.

Yeah, that definitely was at the peak. I'd like to say I rode the wave. What were the big years in your guys' lifetime for baseball card collecting? When was it at its zenith? 89 to 92. I would say 86 to 89. Okay. Maybe 86 to 90. Some would say 86 to 89. Okay. Maybe 86 to 90.

Some discrepancy there. No, I mean, these are, you know, in the mid-90s is when everything collapsed. Yeah. Absolutely. As with comic books. Sure. And... Collapsed meaning like they were not worth anything anymore.

Yeah. Partly that and then also it became not as much fun. Okay. Because they became self-aware, if you will. Yeah, exactly. That is exactly what happened. Kind of a singularity. Yeah.

A baseball card singularity. Well, because part of the fun of collecting cards initially, you know, when you were collecting things of value or things that you're hoping would accrue value is the scarcity. And once the card companies were onto that, they manufactured scarcity. So they would put in these chase cards. They would deliberately make less of something and make it hard to get, and that made it less fun because, you know, suddenly something that just came out this year would be worth, you know, $500, which is the same as a Sandy Koufax card from the 1960s.

Gotcha. That became not as much fun. They also wildly overproduced everything else. Sure. What about that card where the guy has fuckface on his back? That would be a 1988 Fleer Billy Ripken. Okay. 89 Fleer.

Excuse me, 89 Fleer. Yeah, close. I did get one of those as a gift at last year's Max Fun Con. Oh, terrific. It really made my day. It's still sitting on my bookshelf in my office at home. But did you – okay, now let me ask you this about baseball card conventions because we're on to we're on to a type of nerdery that i can identify with there we go um come on you've thought about getting your

dick sucked by a robot though i had my dick sucked by a robot oh really what about by billy ripken jesse now i know the robotic billy ripken okay i was gonna say that... It was the robotic Billy Ripken. Okay, I was going to say, I know you... I couldn't afford the robotic cow. I know, of course. You repeatedly slammed your dick in it. Even though, ironically, he's the Iron Man. Yeah. Did you... You know, one of the funny things about a sports card convention is there's autographs.

But often the autographs are pretty marginal. And so there will be guys who get 30 for their autograph these are your superstars your hall of famers at least this is what it was like in 19 in the brief period between ages of 8 and 12 that i went to a baseball card thing and then there's the guys who are free with admission and those will be like a like a like a left-handed situational reliever from the Phillies who just happens to be around. They just gave him $300 to sign autographs. And the whole thing, like as a kid, I was excited. I mean, shit, I was excited to meet Jose Uribe as I was to meet Matt Williams.

You know what I mean? And get their autograph. And what was exciting about somebody whose autograph was free was that I, that's what I had of money. So that was exciting to me. But as an adult, both of these things seems weird to me. So both of these things seems weird to me. Like the idea of going to a baseball card convention and giving Bob Feller $35 to sign a baseball is real weird.

Absolutely, especially now that he's dead. Yeah. Wait a minute. You're not Bob Feller. Well, you put $30 in gold pieces underneath his eyelids so that when the – And then his granddaughter moves his hand. Well, it is – from what I understand, I haven't gone to a baseball convention in many, many years. But, yeah, it was like that where there would be the – especially for the smaller conventions, there would be sort of free with purchase, free with admission guys. And you're right.

It seems very bizarre that they wouldn't just be generous and just give them away. Yeah. But I paid for autographs. You mentioned Jose Canseco earlier. I paid for Jose Canseco's autograph on a ball that I have in my garage somewhere. Well, I mean, why wouldn't you? That was the peak of Jose Canseco. He was as good as it gets in 1986 to 1989.

Absolutely. Rookie of the year. That was like before the steroid and the kind of bizarre behavior, right? No, he was always on steroids and behaving bizarrely. But he was just really, really good, and it hadn't occurred to anyone yet that he was on steroids. Exactly. At one point, I remember he got arrested. This is at the very peak of his powers, 88, 89, 90, right in there. He got arrested.

This is at the very peak of his powers, 88, 89, 90, right in there. He got arrested for driving his Porsche like 120 miles an hour on the freeway. And his public explanation was that it had been knocking and pinging. So he wanted to see what would happen if he put jet fuel in it. Oh, God. Wait, did he actually put jet fuel in the car? Yes. Oh, geez. So considering that, 120 isn't really that fast.

Yeah, it's a lot slower than most jets. Yeah, sure. This is something funny that happened. My mom recently moved out of our childhood home. My mom got remarried recently, and she moved in with her new husband. A lovely, lovely turn of events. So we had to clean out my childhood home. We should explain that when you say our childhood home, you mean yours and your sister's.

Yes, right. Not yours and your mother's. No, no. Yeah, we aren't prairie folk. Yeah. Me and my sisters. So and kind of what something that we found was my my dad, when he and my mom got divorced, just kind of took off and he left a bunch of stuff. Like there's still tons of my dad's stuff at that old house. And I think I mentioned this to you, Jesse, but he had a huge baseball card collection. I asked you, like, what do I do with those? And I think you said, I just put them on Craigslist as a lot.

Like you're not, you know, even if he had something kind of valuable, they're not really that valuable anymore. Yeah, I think my sister just did that. But my sister also found every Playboy magazine since 1977. Wow. Yeah. And she was having a hard time unloading those. having a hard time unloading those but also was really embarrassed driving around with them in her trunk because they

had like their move time and their clean out time there was like some overlap so she was like had to drive around with these with every Playboy magazine since 1977. But they're in her trunk they're not in the back seat Yeah and I'm like but also like aren't we at a time when like there's nothing salacious

about a Playboy magazine like you shouldn't's nothing salacious about a Playboy magazine? You shouldn't be embarrassed. Because a Playboy magazine is the least salacious thing there is of those things. Yeah. I guess maybe Maxim or something, but just nipples is the difference, right? But I mean, Maxim is so generally unsavory right yeah there's not even an air of class right you're not going to get a norman mailer interview in maxim no yeah yeah right it's general sense of no short story by james elroy it's general sense of willingness to drug

a woman sort of overcomes the fact that no nipples are on display. Right. Yeah. A willingness to trick women. Yes. So, yeah, I think she eventually sold them to a guy who makes like art clocks. Like a guy who makes art clocks paid her a hundred bucks for the whole thing. Did he plan on using the magazines in his art clocks? I think that's what he does. He cuts out some of the old ads. You say clocks with an L?

Oh, art cocks. Excuse me. Art cocks. What did I say? That's what you saw in Joshua Street. Did I say clock? Yeah, yeah. I saw some art cocks. We were on peyote. You know what? It's funny that you mentioned baseball cards because I occasionally – look, I have not collected baseball cards since I was probably 13. But every so often, I will get just this sort of like shadow memory of baseball card obsession. Like it'll just pass, like shudder through me. You know what I mean? And I bought a baseball card the other day.

Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden, I wanted to collect baseball cards. Yeah. And baseball cards are the worst thing to collect because you can't do anything with them. Yeah. They have no purpose, and you can't really display them. I think they display very nicely. You've got one on display right over there that looks lovely.

That's that one that I bought. Oh, wow. That story just came to life. You know, it's so funny that you mentioned that. Show, don't tell. It's so funny you mentioned that shutter because that's really something that I just don't possess. Like I've never possessed a collector gene or a collector thing. possessed a collector gene or a collector thing.

Like, any time, because my dad went from collection to collection, Playboy magazines, baseball cards, a bunch of other weird stuff. So, yeah, that's always something I, like, I never got and can never, like, bond with him over. Like, yeah, it doesn't. I have to guard against it. Yeah. As a small child, I collected everything. I had a rock collection, you know, like everything that existed in the world.

I made a conscious decision at one point in my pre-teens that I was going to collect keys. How'd that go? I got about two or three of them, and I was like, this is stupid. What was your prize key? Oh, I had a skeleton key. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Well, there were only three or four, and then I realized it was kind of stupid.

Great type of key. Yeah, oh, it's a beautiful key just those those standard keys that you had well i did have a schlag and a couple quick sets sure but uh and i i stopped after that i realized this is not going to go anywhere i then i think when my dad found out that i liked comics i liked reading comics he would like go out and you know to the comic comic store and buy just one because it was valuable and then get mad at me because I took it out of the plastic because I wanted to read it. Yeah, so that was a weird thing.

Here's the thing, because one of the changes in the comic book landscape as I understand it is that in 2012, no comic books are valuable that aren't from before the comic book boom of the late 1980s. Yeah.

That's the case, right? You know, I sure don't know a ton about it. Yeah, I don't. I always liked reading comics for the story and all. I will go to a comic book store from time to time, and I personally prefer to buy a bound comic book thing. Yeah, because I don't want to fucking deal with buying a bunch of fucking – Sour Patch Kids ads. Yeah.

So I – but when I go to a comic book store, one of the things I notice that's different from the comic book stores in my youth is they don't even bother to sell secondhand comics. You know, the small ones don't. Like if you go to like Meltdown here or – oh, god. What's that place in Burbank? Not Ben Con. Golden Apple, Hidey Ho. No, no. Anyways, there's a nice one.

Universal Studios. Universal Studios. There's a couple. But yeah, for the most part, yeah, people just get rid of those old Silver Age Thors or something. So what do you do with all your comic books? Do you keep them? I keep the ones that I – You bag them and board them.

Yeah. No, not really. I take bad care of them. The ones that I like I will keep around in case I want to read again or loan to somebody. But for the most part I just – like I have a running Goodwill bag in my house and I just fill it up as I don't need things anymore and I just throw the old comics in there when I'm done with them. It seems expensive. It's a little expensive, yeah. I don't do it too much. need things anymore and I just throw the old comics in there when I'm done with them. It seems expensive. It's a little expensive, yeah.

I don't do it too much. I don't keep up with too many. Is there any Archie comics that are worth anything? Oh, I don't know. Who still reads? Who's that for, Archie? Who reads Archie? Well, I did.

Until through high school. That was about it. Through high school? Well, then I got into baseball cards, and then I realized that Archie's for kids. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. J. Keith Van Straten, noted futurist. Are you?

No, but I was. You figured as long as you were. Well, Harlan Ellison isn't using it anymore. Right. Okay. Sure. I remember when like pre-Robert Downey Jr. comeback, pre-Iron Man. Which comeback?

That one. Okay. Yeah, yeah. The pre-Iron Man comeback, he released a weird jazz album called The Futurist. Really? Yeah. That's true. The reference I was trying to pull was there was a series of – I believe when the Geo Metro first came out, Harlan Ellison was a spokesman and his chyron said Harlan Ellison noted futurist.

That's great. And so I've always wanted to be called that and had the opportunity now. Thanks. Oh, man. Do you think that the, well, we've talked about this on Jordan, Jesse go before, but a couple houses down from me, there's a two car carport that features two cars. One is a Geo Metro and the other is a DeLorean. Do you think that's the home of a noted future? I would not put it past.

I mean, that basically makes perfect sense. It kind of does. Hey, the sponsor on this week's Jordan Jesse Go, Ask Metafilter. Thousands of life's little questions answered online at ask.metafilter.com. For example, one good question you could ask on Ask Metafilter, what are some noted futurists? How do I become a noted futurist? What if you're already a futurist but not so noted?

Who has noted Harlan Ellison? These are all good. Seriously, though. What was the single off Robert Downey Jr.'s Weird Jazz Album? The Futurist. The Futurist. All of these questions and more asked and answered by real, I was going to say nice. They're not all nice, but they are all sharp tacks at ask.metafilter.com.

Nothing up on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron, and we will share your message with the world. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. J. Keith Van Straten can't be the worst guest ever. No, you cannot.

Yes. Literally. You cannot. No, you cannot. Yes. Literally. You cannot. Hey, the bar has been set so low by a certain pair of socially uncomfortable web comics writers that you literally, it's impossible. Even if you tried to do that action movie move of sliding under a closing door, you would just smash your face into those two assholes.

To be fair, J. Keith Van Straten does have a YouTube show that's going to debut. He could do a takedown of us on that show. If you did a takedown of us on your YouTube show on the Geek and Sundry Network. Bad decision, by the way, hits wise. That probably will not. will not lead to a great success yeah we'll have a sexy thumbnail though yeah uh then i you could surpass retroactively i could retroactively be a worst guest yeah so are you suggesting that's what happened with these people and they here's what here's what i suggest you do okay you combine

i would say these guys and probably screech from saved's what i suggest you do okay you combine i would say these guys and probably screech from saved by the bell are our worst guests ever screech was on our old college radio show in the sounding thing america back in the days i would say you start with a few of screeches moves which is to say do some jokes from your stand-up comedy act, which are street jokes about disabled people. Oh, boy. And then refuse to talk about your rock band. And then, you know, just sort of be belligerent for a while and then the takedown. Yeah.

Afterwards, the day after. You'll need a loyal army of followers to send me emails telling me what a faggot I am. Oh, okay. Well, that part I got. Yeah. Okay. Excellent. Good to know.

Good to know. So I'm at least in the... You're in the running. You're not out. If you were wondering if you were out of the running for Worst Guest, you're not. Okay. But there's a little legwork involved. Okay.

I'm ready to bring my Z game. Good. Keith, you're a listener. You know this. But when something momentous happens to you out there, the listener, we ask that you give us a call at 206-984-4FUN and share it with us for a segment called Momentous Occasions. Look, guys, I've got to explain something to you. We've got Colin Marshall from the Marketplace of Ideas on the boards this week. No, it's not called the – what's it called?

Press the talkback button so I can hear you. Right, you changed this past year. I was a guest. Jordan and I have both been guests on Cities and Culture. We've got Colin Marshall from Notebook on Cities and Culture here. And let's be honest, he's not our regular engineer. He's not our second string engineer. That would be Julia.

No, second string would be Nick. Third string was Lindsay. Julia, I guess, would probably be fourth string. So I guess Colin is our fifth string engineer. A rare fifth string. You usually don't get down to that many strings. No, you don't. It takes a lot of injuries. Or in our case, holiday. A rare fifth string. You usually don't get down to that many strings. No, you don't. It takes a lot of injuries.

Or in our case, holiday vacations. Fifth string, I sit out there and you sing songs in the public domain. Right. I engineer what you sing. But I hurt my sliding hand. The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be. Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be. Gotta cut it off.

They got that hard cut, hard consonant. What child is this who laid to rest on the old gray mare? She ain't what she used to be. Hey, maybe you've heard of them they're called mashups it's only the hottest tech trend of 2012 which which earth is this one on okay first two look moral of the story is if something's like domain mashups are the next big thing. Are you listening, Girl Talk? If something momentous happens, then Girl Talk. Right now, Girl Talk is slicing tiny pieces of the Carmina Burana. Okay, anyway. With a little brown jug. Colin Marshall is on the boards.

We don't know if he knows how to use them. So let's try playing a call and see what happens. Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Mike Rossi in West Philadelphia. I just had a momentous occasion. My girlfriend and I were listening to your most recent show where you talk about going to Joshua Tree Park and seeing the light upup dildo butt plug flowers. And I realized that I work for the guy who made the light-up dildo butt plug flowers. Wow. And it's also Christmas morning.

That's a Christmas miracle for me and my girlfriend. Love the show. Thanks. Bye. See, that's tremendous. Great. I imagine his tree is decorated with those light-up dildo butt plugs.

Sort of like candles. Yeah. You know, pointing upwards from below. Absolutely. Or you can hang them like tinsel. I was picturing more like that. You put them on a string of anal beads.

That would be the garland. That's the garland. That's the popcorn garland. more like that. Yeah. You put them on a string of anal beads. Of anal beads. Well, that's the garland. That's the garland. That's the popcorn garland with his anal beads. Oh, man. You know, speaking of our fans, I met quite a number

of Jordan Jesse Goh fans in San Francisco at the Put This On sale. Oh, terrific. So I want to say thanks to everybody who came out to that. It was really a blast. Well, they sure as fuck

didn't come to my stand-up show. Sorry. I'm sorry. They came to your thing and not my thing. Jordan, come on. I'm sorry. That sounds like a lot of fun.

I met a fair number of them. They came to your thing and not my thing. I met a couple. Yeah. The boyfriend or husband, I don't remember which of the two, was there to buy a pocket square.

And he said that he, he was, he told his girlfriend, Hey, I'm going, his girlfriend told me this. He said, Hey, I'm going out to this pocket square sale.

Do you want to come? And she said, I don't, I don't know. And then he said, Jesse Thorne's. Cause she said that he said, Jesse Thorne's going to be there.

And she said from Jordan, Jesse go. And he said, yeah. And she said, I'm there. Well, glad you guys didn't rally to come to my stand-up show when I was at Lost Weekend Video Jordan I'm sorry Jordan you had the guys from Lost Weekend Video there probably watching the Giants game yeah they

they could have come and sat in the audience I'm sorry Jordan I'm sorry Jordan Jordan. I'm sorry. Jordan, why are you raging? I'm just saying. Are you a rageaholic? Usually, you know, when we do something in public, people come out. I'm just saying. I saw one guy on the street who said, hey, Jordan Morris from Jordan, Jesse Go. And I said, yeah. And he says, what are you doing up here? I said, well, we're doing a show at Lost Weekend Video.

And he said, oh, I can't come. I'm going to the Mountain Goats concert. So I think maybe. I think our fans were at the Mountain Goats concert. They were probably at the Mountain Goats concert. Hanging out with our friend John Darnielle. Yeah. Anyway.

John Darnielle is a nice man. He makes great songs. I mean, you can see why someone would prefer his concert to your stand-up show at a video store. I don't know. I don't know about that. Okay. No, you're right. I'd like to ask a question.

I'm just saying, usually, this was maybe the one time where people failed to come out. Did you notice that J. Keith Van Straten has a question? I did. I'm sorry. I have a question. I would just like to know what kind of work did the caller do for the contract? Based on the New York Times article, I'm going to guess high-end contracting. Because they mentioned that the guy was a high-end contractor in the article.

Okay. Because there could have been a lot of interesting jobs associated with it. Do your fucking research, Van Straten. Wow. He's like, what the guy does, this guy's his assistant, and the artist brings in a giant box of dildos. That's what I was imagining. He's like, I need these to look worn.

Do what you got to do. Sandpaper butt? Yeah. Put them up the sandpaper butt. Oh, that's really fun. But anyway, the really fun part of this pocket square sale is lots of these guys, you know, guys are coming in. You can spot them. I'm there with my mom.

My mom helped me out with this sale. You can spot the guys who are coming in for Put This On. They look like Put This On guys. You know what I'm talking about. Sure. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. This one guy comes in.

He looks like he's just looking for gay Comic Con. Yeah. You know what I mean? Bent Con? Bent Con. Looking for a Bent Con. And I'm like, and it was in a menswear store. I was like, what is this guy doing in here?

Just a Jordan Jesse Go fan. Just wanted to stop by and say hi. That's nice. I was like, what is this guy doing in here? Just a Jordan Jesse Go fan. Just wanted to stop by and say hi. That's nice. I was touched. I mean, he could have come to a fucking stand-up show in a video store. Just to say hi. Probably would have been a more suitable. Just to say hi. That's fine.

Probably would have been a more suitable venue. Don't come to my thing. Well, maybe he thought that you would be too busy browsing videos. That's true. To say hi. No, I'm never too busy to say hi. They got some great bootlegs at Lost Weekend on Valencia Street.

Some really nice bootlegs. Should we take another call? Hey, JJ Go. So this is Cody. I just wanted to say since it's the last week before the end of 2012

going fucking ape, I just wanted to state that I went fucking ape and made a lot of changes in my life. I moved 3,000 miles. I ended a very painful relationship. I changed my career path, and I just completed principal photography on my first feature-length film.

Thanks so much. 2013, the shit gets real. Oh, shit gets real in 2013? Oh, wow. I like it. That is a really good scene. I like it. Yeah.

I like it. When this dude, number one, at the top of this call, when the guy said, so it's Cody, I'm like, I don't know about this Cody character. I don't know if we're on a first name basis yet, Code. Yeah, come on. Didn't say where he's from. No, he didn't. I mean, look, maybe I met Cody at Lost Weekend Video.

I did a show at Lost Weekend Video. It was very well attended. What? What? Yeah. It was just me reading from my menswear blog. What? Yeah.

Yeah, sorry, Jordan. I don't mean to disappoint you. I did a national tour of Lost Weekend Videos. What? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Jordan. I don't mean to disappoint you. I've actually, I did a national tour of last weekend videos. What? Yeah. People came? I was opening for Madonna. No one?

Yeah. Lots of people came. You assholes. Fuck all. I'm sorry. You guys are great. Anyway, so when Cody kicked things off with that, you know, with that Cody talk. Number one, I am hesitant to trust anyone named cody

sure but when he brought out the accomplishments i was suitably impressed and when he brought out that theme shit gets real i don't know if that's top of all i like it a lot i mean i it's i mean i don't think we need to put a nail in the coffin now. We don't need to call this race yet. But, I mean, shit is real. The challenge has been issued. Let's put it that way. The challenge has been issued.

We have a phone number. That clang on the floor was the gauntlet being thrown down. If you want to email JJGo at MaximumFun.org and suggest a theme for 2013, go for it. If you want to call us at 206-9844-FUN, go for it because I'm interested to hear what you have to say. But the gauntlet has been, I mean. I think the only way to top that at all would be to find something that rhymed. That was the only thing that that slogan lacked. Yeah.

It could have rhymed. It could have rhymed. Jesse, do you think you'll think differently about people named Cody now? Ooh. And may I remind you of Cody Ross? Yeah. No, I mean, Cody. Cody Chestnut?

World Series hero Cody Ross is an important figure. Does not play for the Giants anymore, though, so he's on my shit list. Oh. It wasn't his fault, I think, the Giants chose not to re-sign him. I believe that's correct. Got too rich of a deal elsewhere. But, yeah, I'll reconsider many Codys. But if you come up to me and say your name is Cody...

What about the well-balanced character from Final Fight? He's got a? Guys fast. Hagar's strong but slow. Cody's a nice balance. If you're playing Final Fight and you want a character that is. Balance. With a balanced approach. I'm going to say that I will reconsider Cody's.

However, if you come to me as a Cody with another element that seems off, let's just say a flipped up polo shirt collar. Let's just say that is so Cody flip flop. That's so code. You know what I mean? Like, let's just say a questionable sunburn, like a weird sunburn. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, let's just say a questionable sunburn. Like a weird sunburn. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Then I will not give you a second chance. So, Cody on the phone, if you have one of those qualities, fucking shit's getting real in 2013 for you, my friend. Yeah. Get a nice shoe. You know? Keep yourself out of the sun. Causes cancer. You know the kind of stuff

I'm talking about. Find some more indoor hobbies. Action item, theme for 2013. Always rock climbing. Because you know what? I fucking spent 2012 crushing my enemies

like paper cups in my fucking hands. Don't get on my bad side, Jay Keith. No, sir. Jay Keith, how was your 2012, would you say? Now that we're here on the kind of precipice. Wow. Meh.

I would describe it as meh. Pretty meh? Yeah. Didn't you know you were supposed to go ape? No, I was not informed. Where would I have gotten that message? Earlier in the year, I think Eliza Skinner was the guest. Oh, well, if Eliza was involved, then definitely.

Yeah, and we said that in 2012, our motto should be, more powerful than ever, hyphen or slash, go and ape. Colon. Colon, go and ape. As we record this, I still do have a couple days. Yeah, you could still go ape and, you know. I'm still going ape right fucking now. Oh, I can tell.

I'm in the midst of contract negotiations, my friend, and you know what I'm doing in those contract negotiations? Some sort of ape-related. Throwing feces. Pounding my chest. Mounting. How do you feel, end of 2012, we made the resolution to go ape and be more powerful than ever. Do you feel like you did a good job?

2012, I'm not going to lie to you, Jordan, it was a tough year for me in a lot of ways. Yeah. But, uh... Got arrested for throwing feces. For one thing. Yeah. I mounted a police officer. Probably shouldn't have done that.

Sure. Mistakes were made. I will say that at the end of 2012, retrospectively, all the pain, all the challenges all the difficulties you know what I did in the face of those?

fucking went ape and you know what I am now on the precipice of 2013 more fucking powerful than ever I am ready to dominate the competition do you think shit's about to get real? I'm not saying that's the one I'm just saying it out loud to see.

We have to wait for next week and the week after to figure this out. People have to call us at 206-944-FUN. What about you, Jordan? Did you get powerful and AB? Yeah. Isn't that the term? 2012 for me started bad. It was a bad start to 2012. I was maybe as schlumpy and fucking done with it all as I've ever been.

You were down in the dumps. Your show got canceled. Totally down in the dumps. You were. Sure. You were out there working the street. Well, you were coming off of 2011. Get schlumpy. Yeah, right. I was. The slogan for 2011 was, fuck it. Yeah, you know, string of bad jobs that I didn't like.

But I think I finished strong. Stronger than. I'm looking at your 2012. What am I seeing? Number one, I'm seeing two high-quality web series you can be proud of. Sure. Several terrible ones that I wish my name was taken off of. But sure.

I'm seeing episode credits. Yeah. I'm seeing a pilot presentation. Sure. A tremendous pilot presentation in Freelance Beatdown. Dick's a little bigger. I'm seeing that your dick is bigger yeah because you've you've you usually have it out sure and you had it sucked by a robot yeah that's

right that's i think what lengthened it frankly the robot was rough with it i'm seeing a man who is further along in my personal professional goal of becoming a gay icon than even i am yeah i see a man transformed here's what i here's my i think my big i see a golden child here's what i think my big revelation of 2012 was instead of trying to rally everybody to go see a movie send out a mass email you here's what you send out a mass email you say here's what time i'm going to the movie right feel free to join me and i'm seeing more movies and i'm seeing more movies with more friends i'll tell you i haven't gone to any of these movies yet i have a tricky schedule i've been blasting out mass emails but i i've been

getting the email gotten a couple of them sure and i even as someone who hasn't gone make sure to cc you i really appreciate those because it suggests to me the possibility that one day i may have social occasions as a part of my life again yeah uh so yeah i'm seeing more movies with a wider variety of friends based on this new technique. You're not trying to like, hey, when can everyone go? Who wants to see this? Because I don't want to go see Jack Reacher. It's supposed to be terrible.

But Werner Herzog's the villain. I know, but you have to pay to see movies. That's true. I'll throw down 12 bucks to see Werner Herzog play the villain. I've decided it's worth it to me. It's not a bad call, Jordan. It's not a bad call. Look. It's not a bad call. Look, we both faced difficulties.

Sure. We dominated them. Mm-hmm. We kicked them square in the balls. Yep. We stuck our fingers up their noses and pulled out their brains. That's gross.

That was really gross. That's gross. But necessary. But accurate. We did that. Themes for 2013. That's our action item this week. 206-984-4FUN.

JJGo at MaximumFun.org. We got one more call, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, this is fun. This guy's worse than Cody. Just calling with a momentous occasion. I just played Santa Claus for my two-year-old daughter's daycare. Now I'm driving home and having a beer. Thanks.

Is he simultaneously driving home and having a beer? This is a guy coming from a daycare, wearing a Santa suit, driving a car, talking on his cell phone, and drinking a beer, a.k.a. the greatest guy ever. The child endangeringest guy ever. That's amazing. Yeah, right? Jesse, on the subject of Santa suits, did you read Dave Hill's book? Yes. Tasteful Nudes?

I did. And he was, in fact, a guest on Bullseye and talked about it. Jake Heathenstrat, have you read this book? I don't read. That's okay. Fair enough. Dave Hill, very funny comedian, wrote this kind of book of personal essays. And he has this essay about him playing Santa at a, what was it?

Just, I think, a general Christmas party. Yeah. And about the kind of power that came with being santa like everyone wanted to know him and it kind of like gave him the machismo to like get into the fight this fight with a guy who uh hit on his girlfriend it's a pretty amazing story and i guess i have a similar one about dressing up as santa um we on am i i'm well i have to start i i'll tell in a bridge version we're going long uh i dressed up as uh santa to do a thing for fuel tv once and i walked in the room and fucking everybody just automatically was all about it like people taking pictures with me

this woman with these huge boobs took this picture where she put my head in her boobs and one where we're like drinking beers. And I'm like, oh, this is great. I'm going to make sure after I'm done working to talk to this huge boobs woman. So I changed out of the Santa suit and I came back into the room. She wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing did not care about me now that I was out of the Santa suit. But while I was thinking of the Santa lifestyle, well, maybe like a kind of kind of adopting kind of a Santa sexuality. Oh, yeah.

Maybe some Santa play. Yeah. Anyway. So, yeah, I can attest firsthand to the power of the Santa suit. While we're chatting, can I share one thing before we go? Yeah. Speaking of Dave Hill, let's welcome Dave Hill to the MaximumFun.org family. Dave Hill podcasting incident, the newest MaximumFun.org show.

Dave is one of the funniest people that there is. His show is charming and shambolic is how i would describe it and if you like a charming shambolic program if you like one of the funniest men in the world mr dave hill if you like a guy who could totally shred a sweet guitar solo uh and then uh you know i don't know what what else is great about dave hill Most things. Yeah. Most of his qualities. I'm really having a hard time. Most of his qualities. From Cleveland. Yeah. He had an alternative rock hit in the waning days of the alternative rock era.

Friends with Moby. Yep. Friends with Moby. So there's three or four great things about Dave Hill. End of the day, if you like a charming, shambolic, hilarious program, Dave Hill's podcasting incident is your choice. And the newest member of the MaxFun family. There you go. Welcome, Dave Hill.

How could we keep Dave Hill out? He's the greatest. It was foolish of us to leave him out for this long. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's Radio Suite. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. J. Keith Van Straten, Best Guest Ever. A correction before the Twitter bombardment comes. The comic book store in Burbank that has a lot of great back issues in older comics is the House of Secrets.

Also, just one other correction. Please, please. The two baseball stars characters who fuck are Eddie and Willie. Eddie and Willie. Yeah, from the American dreams. There you go. Who's the top and who's the bottom? I think they switch off.

Can you switch off? Yeah, you can, especially, I think, if you're in a relationship. Okay. Which they are. They don't take your license away? No. Okay. You know, you don't have to, you don't have to get a license as a homosexual anymore, Jordan. Oh,

interesting. Oh, that's great. Good for them. Yeah. That was when Rockefeller was governor of New York. That was one of the big changes. Um, J. Keith Van Straten, how do you feel about your dreams having come true? And tell us about some of the other podcasts that your dreams are going to be coming true on. I want to clarify that was the only podcast that was on my Christmas wish list. We appreciate it. We appreciate the exclusivity. Absolutely. Now, my Hanukkah wish list.

That's how you get. Juice. Darn juice. Juice. Juice. Thank you. My dream has come true. Juice.

And my cancer has cleared up. It's fantastic. Thank you. Is there anything that you needed us to do to make your dream more full? Like, I noticed that I listed a few baseball players from the late 1980s. That was helpful. Jordan talked about Street Fighter a little bit. Specifically the characters sucking each other's tits.

I'm not talking about hit boxes over here. Is there anything else that you need for this experience? I'm not talking about A-ism versus Z-ism in the Alpha games. Sorry. Well, that's a very thoughtful question. All I needed was just to be here and be amongst the warm glow of the JJ Go podcast. It is a nice glow, isn't it? It really is.

It's because we're pregnant. More of a tepid glow. Well, Jordan's pregnant. I am podcast pregnant. Okay. What's 2013's frickin' slogan? JJ Go at MaximumFun.org. Right now, slogan to beat, shit gets real.

206-984-4FUN. The person whose slogan gets chosen will get prizes. If you're wondering, will that person get prizes? Yes, of course. A whole fricking series of closets full of prizes that I'm going to send to this person. But this slogan has got to inspire. It's got to transform lives. it's got to make people cry make people laugh make people think i mean these people groomed that hadn't previously been

sufficiently groomed is it i mean does this need to be a sequential thing because because this year's slogan was more powerful than ever go an ape should this should this slogan assume that we are now more powerful than ever from having gone ape like should this one be called like silverback the wisdom at the top yeah silverback top of the food chain it's a little on the nose but that's the kind of thing i'm talking about it can be more you know general than that but like benevolent benevolent ruler yes a chicken in every pot yeah that's that's closer i don't think it does i think number one we probably have a lot of listeners who they join the show midway through the year or they didn't listen to every single episode or for whatever reason they

insufficiently went ape. They're just a fuck up. They were too busy juggling. They were going monkey. Right. Which is not an ape. They were confused. They had a tail. Yeah, they had a prehensile tail. There's a lot of reasons people might have messed up.

And you know, for this year, I think we just give something that applies to everyone. And no matter what the problems are in people's lives, no matter what the difficulties, no matter what the obstacles are, we need a slogan that is a manifestation of our power as a team of podcasters and podcast listeners, a community, if you will. Yeah. To dominate those forces that stand in our way, really rip their balls through their nose. That whole thing you said sounded like a great slogan. Yeah.

Just everything you just said in the last 30 seconds. Somebody just transcribed that, Bernie. slogan. Yeah. Just everything you just said in the last 30 seconds. Somebody just transcribed that, Bernie. Let me know. I try and have a transcriptionist on hand, but my secretary's not here this week. They're too busy doing transcriptions for Dateline.

You can get them. You send them 10 bucks. Usually we just do this show from a transcript of Dateline. Yeah, usually we're just reading verbatim. I'm, uh, who's... Stone reading verbatim. I'm Stone Phillips. Stone Phillips. I'm Jane Pauley.

I'm Stone Gossard. Guitar player for Pearl Jam. Okay. Oh, and next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go! we'll find out what kind of calendar I'll be using in 2013. That's it. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.

On the boards this week, the ever-capable Mr. Colin Marshall. You can check out his podcast, Notebook on Cities and Culture. In information tunes, just type in Colin Marshall, Notebook on Cities and Culture. You can find it. We've both done episodes of this program, had a blast on this show, so why not start with those. Just type in Colin Marshall Notebook on Cities and Culture. You can find it. We've both done episodes of this program, had a blast on this show, so why not start with those? Colin is a thoughtful interrogator. I agree.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.