Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 257: Sloganeering with Karen Kilgariff

Episode Date: January 7, 2013

Comedian, writer, and musician Karen Kilgariff joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of fish trucks, coin operated binoculars, the Philadelphia Mummer's Parade, and the KDOC New Year's Special disaster.  Plus, Karen sings a song and they settle on a new slogan for 2013.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful afternoon as the sun crests over the mountains here in Southern California. That's all accurate, right? Crests? No, no. I can verify the sun was cresting.

This isn't one of your bullshit claims to cresting. But cresting is the wrong verb, right? Now that we've both said it out loud. I think, I mean, it sounds beautiful. Like, I think cresting is acceptable in the way that just, like, you know, in revolutionary times, they would just throw an F into the middle of a word so it would look cool. Right. I think aesthetically, cresting works so well that we don't need to go into whether or not it's the right word. Because it suggests in our hearts the miracle of life.

Right, yes. Like, you know, the fertile crescent. Sure. Hanging gardens. A baby's head coming out of a mommy. Sure. That's also called cresting, right? Toothpaste. Let's bring our guest into this.

I'm afraid to talk if you don't say my name. Karen Kilgareth, comedian, comedy writer, beloved Jordan Jesse Goh guest. Great to have you back on the program, Karen. So nice to be here. So nice to crest on over to the show. Really proud. Man, I am filled with the wonder and majesty of the creation of human life every time we use that verb. Yeah, it's nice to think about, you know, how magical all that shit is.

Can I mention something? Super magical. Dude, that shit's magical. Can I mention something magical that happened here at MaxFun HQ yesterday? Please. So I'm here.

No big deal. Just hanging out, talking to H. John Benjamin from Television's Archer for an upcoming episode of Bullseye. I've heard of him. He's tremendous.

There's nothing wrong with that guy. So in our office here, there is a large picture window. It's what you might describe as a loft style space with a big picture window. And that picture window looks out upon MacArthur Park, which we've discussed before, home of the children's fishing competition, many hand-to-hand drug deals. Yes. False sword fights. Yeah, exactly. I guess I should say practice sword fights.

Practice sword fighting. False sword fighting, yeah. Tons of ducks. Yeah, tons of ducks. Doing wing-to-wing drug deals. Oh, they have their problems, just like everybody else in MacArthur Park. Sure. So that's condition A for this thing that I saw yesterday.

Condition B is, as I think I mentioned on this program, my son Simon's first hobby or subject of interest is trucks. He can't really – he can't say whole world words i i it's a quality he's inherited from me he can't say whole words but he knows now every type of truck because he has no less than five truck books and truck books many's books, it will be a story with different things that happen to a protagonist. It goes through a journey and it comes out transformed at the end in some way. Usually believing

in themselves. In truck books, it's just a list of types of trucks. Zena, one of our most loyal listeners, Zena, was nice enough. She worked on a truck book for Scholastic Books and she sent a copy of the truck book. And it is –

Is there no example of like an anthropomorphic truck that learns to believe in itself? Well, I was just going to say, isn't that the genius of Transformers that they've taken? Yes. They've taken those two things. Yes. They've taken those two things. Yes. These boys need a hero. Yes. But they also need to love what they love.

Right. Which is vehicles. Yes. Right. Transportation. And then to kind of cast the net wider, eventually they added dinosaurs to that. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. There's dino Transformers now. Oh, I might have been in college for that. Yeah. Yeah. Not like high school. I was way high.

I always remember as a kid, like I've never, like as a kid, I never got on board with like cars or trucks or like, you know, construction equipment. That was never an interest of mine as a kid. And I remember my friends having Transformers and being just kind of bored by them. But then when they introduced the Dino Transformers, I remember going, okay, I can get on board with this. Like that was the tipping point for me in Transformers. That's hilarious. So Simon knows about every type of truck and can identify every type. And when I say every type of truck, he knows a thresher from a back-end loader from – these are things that I did not know. Yeah.

I knew dump truck, of course. A classic. This is my nickname in college. Sure did not know. Yeah. I knew dump truck, of course. A classic. It was my nickname in college. Sure. I know. I know. What else? You know, like fire engine, right?

Yeah. Simon. Pickup truck. Sure. Yeah. But those are the three kinds of trucks as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Simon calls trucks utch.

But in the context of utch, he knows about every utch. And because of the fact that I have to read these books with him, I now know about all these different utches from airport utch or air utch to – So he can't say truck, but he could say the first word perfectly? He's like airport utch. He can't say airport utch. He can say air utch. Air utch. Air utch, airport-uch. He can't say airport-uch. He can say air-uch. He's just trying to be cute. Air-uch. Air-uch is what he says. Sure. Great.

Or, you know, F-uch is fire truck. Okay. You're sure he's not trying to swear? He may be trying to swear. He's like, fuck, dad. I love trucks. Fuck trucks. Fucking trucks, man. Fuck trucks! He may want to fuck

trucks. Could be. That's want to fuck trucks. Oh. Could be. That's a whole different. But he'll be supportive if that ends up being his sexuality, right? So I, of course. Sure. Why not? You know. Yeah.

I'm from San Francisco. Truck fucker. At least it's fun to say. Yeah. And kind of safe. Yeah. Sure. Totally.

As long as you let the engine cool down first. Put that e-brake on. There's issues with scalding. Yeah. But I saw a kind of truck that has not appeared in any of these truck books. And my only sadness was I couldn't think of how to explain this truck to Simon or find a truck book that had this truck in it. So as we mentioned, there's these fishing competitions. Was it a boat?

It was not a boat. It was kind of a water truck. No wheels. No top. Yeah, it seemed to be wind. Like the wind was pushing this truck around and not an engine. So it was like a pickup size tanker truck. So you know a tanker truck.

Tank-uch. Oh, yes, yes. Is how you would know it. No idea, yeah. He could just be speaking Elvish. F-uch? Is it possible that someone else has been teaching him, like, Tolkienian languages? You know what?

Our nanny is Tolkienian. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is she legal? They're great with kids. She's not, but, you know, we can...

She's real short, has real hairy feet. We probably should have known. Right. She has this ring she talks about all the time. Sure. That's cool.

She's Gollum. At least she's thin. She needed two weeks off for something she's calling an unexpected journey. Okay. So it's like a fuel tanker truck but the size of a pickup truck. And it's backing up to the boat launch and the lake. And we're all looking at this truck, me and Julia and Nick who work on Bullseye and Lindsay

who works in the, we're all like up against the window. Work has stopped. Work has completely stopped because we're like, what are they going to pour into the water? Because it's obviously, it's got like a pipe sized, you know, like a six, eight inch pipe type situation. I mean, and that affects everybody because all of L.A.'s water goes through the lake in MacArthur Park. Yeah. I drink straight out of that lake.

That's why guns always come out of your cold water tap. Sure. So so it backs up and water starts coming out of it. And we're thinking, like, are they – what a strange way to replenish the water in this lake. You know, like there's one pickup-sized load of water at a time. Like as long as you do it eight times a day, it keeps the water level regular. But I just imagine just a guy filling up the truck with a bucket to get it over to the lake. Bottles of Arrowhead. And it seems like maybe it could be – I mean this seems like a kind of a classic supervillain plan like poisoning the water supply.

Are you worried that it was maybe hypnojuice? Yeah, absolutely. So I'm starting to get – I'm just – we're all really intrigued. And we'd already been thinking about buying a remote-controlled helicopter to fly it over. So we're just deeply engaged in this particular area of the park. And the other thing is, like, we know there has to be some reason, but it's pouring out pretty good. And the guy gets out. He checks it.

He backs it up a little bit further. And there's, like, a crowd gathering around the truck down down by the down sword fight practice has stopped yeah and and we're thinking something has to be happening because these people didn't gather to watch him pour water into the uh into the lake you know there has to be something good about to happen and old man did it. This was a fish truck. No. Yay. He opened, like, it's just water pouring in,

just water pouring in, just water pouring in. He goes chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk on some controller on the back of it. And all of a sudden, a fucking river of fish is dumping into the lake out of the back of this pickup truck. This guy was driving a pickup truck around town that was full of live fish. Oh, my God. Could you see what type of fish they were?

Wiggly. Yeah, sure. Standard wigglies. They were all sharks. That's the best part. Filling MacArthur Lake with sharks of all kinds. There was some flounder there. Okay.

Yeah, sure. There was a broad variety. Angel fish, of course. It's in nicely stocked, some coral reefs. That's terrific. I mean, I guess that would be the time that you would want to start fishing. I would imagine there would be people with rods at the ready. Yeah, I mean, that seems like-

Because, you know, what are the fish eating in the truck? Nothing. They're the freshest they're going to be. Sure. And they're naive. They don't understand, you know, they haven't seen those. The world they're about to enter. They haven't seen those buddies get, you know, fished up.

Oh. So they're naive. That's like, you know, that's why you wait at the bus station for the girl from Nebraska to get off the bus at Hollywood and then usher her into porn. Right. This is the same concept but with fishing. You know what? That is exactly why I do that.

Right. You've got to stop doing that. I don't know. It's very lucrative. It works for so many. Yeah. It's sexually arousing for me. I tried doing that with the fish but nobody bought the porn.

Fish porn. I'm just saying, do you have a website that is in German? I should make my website.de. Yeah, you can probably unload some of those there. A fucking river of fish

coming out of the back of a truck, guys. Simon, nowhere to be found. Simon, nowhere to be found and too far away for me to take a good picture. How do I explain that to an 18-month-old that I saw the greatest truck of all time? Are there YouTube videos of fish trucks?

Fish trucks? Gotta be. There's gotta be. Can you imagine if your job was to drive the fish truck? Yeah. Where do the fish- How tense you'd be of like, oh my God, it could be getting me. How do they fill the fish truck? Yeah. Where do the fish- How tense you'd be of like, oh my God, it could be getting me. How do they fill the fish truck?

Yeah. Is there- That's probably also a very fun job. God, I wish I knew the answers to these questions. Like a gas station. I wish I could immediately tell you the answer to that. Well, actually, over in Arizona. Karen, you're an industrial engineer, right?

Yes, I am. Thank you for asking. And actually, we get the fish from up in Lake Havasu. Oh. So these are party fish then? They're party fish. Oh, that's fun. When the teenagers leave, we load the fish in.

They've been abused usually. They want to come. They're happy to leave. They're filled with Smirnoff ice. They come here to become stars, correct? That's right. Everyone at that lake told them they were pretty and funny. They're like, this is a good lake.

A lot of agents come to this lake. They start in the musical. It's the place to be. Back home. Then they go sign up at UCB. And then Hollywood. Yeah, sure. Anyway, magical moments here in the City of Angels.

I love your view. I am a total peeping Tom. And the second I walked in here, I was just like, I would go crazy if I worked here. I would never work for one minute. Because you'd be so busy looking at young naked women through. Absolutely. Oh, wait. That's what peeping Toms do.

Well, classically, that's what the patriarchy says peeping Toms do. Oh, sorry. The definition has been widened lately. Just general looking at things. What is a peeping toms do oh sorry i'm the definition has been widened lately just general looking at things what is a peeping tom according to her story well we like um no i just like that that exactly what you're saying looking down at that lake it almost looks like a looking at one of those where's waldo pictures where you're scanning for the crime that's how i just want to see a stabbing or something. It's very beautiful and very crime ridden.

Yeah. Both of those things are absolutely true. I wanted to get, you know, the kind of binoculars that are coin operated that you would use at a national monument. So I thought I could get one of those to take advantage of this spectacular view and complement our sort of industrial mid-century decor. this spectacular view and complement our sort of industrial mid-century decor. And I went online. Those things literally cost like $4,000. Yeah, I bet.

Have you thought about maybe just sneaking up to the old Griffith Observatory and lifting one? Bring up a screwdriver? Yeah. A crowbar maybe? Screwdriver and a hammer? Yeah. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink until it's all done? Yeah.

No one would ever catch you. I don't think so. I don't think it's possible. They don't use those things up there that much at the observatory. Nobody's observing. Teens are just going up there to smoke J's. And get in knife fights. Yeah.

Right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Karen Kilgara, fish truck operator. You're a fish truck operator. I didn't want to tell you because I thought it would seem like a lie after that story. Right, because it was an amazing story and it seemed like you were just trying to get in on my amazing story.

I don't want to seem like a bandwagon-eer. Right. That's my fear. Right. But, yeah, that's my background. Just like you're embarrassed to tell people you're into Mumford & Sons. Exactly. Because I was in them.

I actually made vests for them in the very early days. So I have that kind of thing. You made them their first v them. I actually made vests for them in the very early days. So I have that kind of thing. You made them their first vests. I did. I was at that knitting station. They were a punk band. You said, guys, try these vests. Guys.

Maybe consider a banjo. See what you're trying to do. But let's look this direction. Can I ask you guys a current events question? Sure. Based on the syllable mum. do, but let's look this direction. Can I ask you guys a current events question based on the syllable mum? Have you guys seen my friend Oliver Wang

posted on his Facebook a video of a float from something called the Philadelphia Mummers Parade. Have you heard about this? No. Well, will you say what it is? Yeah, it's a parade in Philadelphia and it's on New Year's Day. And apparently it has its – I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Apparently it has its roots in like European Christmas and New Year's traditions. Okay. Especially German because obviously Philadelphia, plenty of Germans there. But it goes back all the way to the 18th century, this Mummers Parade. And in this parade, it's like local clubs organize around putting on an exhibition in this parade. And there are different categories, one of which is comic. So a funny parade group, and they do like a dance and wear costumes and possibly have

a float. Okay. Right? And maybe sing a song. In this video- The tragic leg of the parade, not as much fun to watch. In this video- More near the back.

Just a lot of guys accidentally having sex with their moms and then gouging out their own eyes. The theme of this particular brought to you by the Philadelphia Friars Club. The theme of this particular group of mummers, it was a comic float

and the theme was insourcing, which is to say the opposite of outsourcing. Is that a real phrase? No. Okay. Not really.

I mean, I'm sure it is. Something someone would say on MSNBC. A fair number of outsourcing. Is that a real phrase? No. Okay. Not really. I mean, I'm sure it is. Something someone would say on MSNBC. I'm sure it's been a fair number of PowerPoint presentations. And so this is what happens in this exhibition. Number one, it's just,

if you just imagine people from the neighborhood as a group of people. You can stop right there. I don't like it. Yeah, those guys are dicks. I hate the neighborhood. People from a neighborhood.

Why don't you put up Christmas lights? Your fence is too high. Stop looking in my window. Where's your mail? Christmas lights dads and grandpas were the primary group. Christmas lights dads and grandpas were the primary group. And also maybe what you might call like teenagers likely to join the 4-H club would be a secondary group involved. Just people from the neighborhood.

And when I say people from the neighborhood, I'm talking specifically about white people. It is this group of white people. Parade types. It opens, this exhibition opens with call center in New Delhi. Uh-oh. Danger. Four old white men dressed as Indian women. Oh. Pretending to answer telephones.

I'm not even kidding. Not even joking. With bindis, dots on their forehead, and saris. The whole nine yards.

They should be wearing saris. Many. They should be wearing shamies. Many. They should be wearing shameys. So the premise of this, it's anti-that, right? So those people are swept away by a group of Americans, which is to say a second, much larger group of white people dressed essentially like they were a high school sports mascot in 1948. So the Indians swept away the Indians? Yeah, so this is our Indians.

This represents Native Americans. Get it? So what's the commentary? I don't understand. I don't get it. I'm a little dense. You didn't go to college? I guess not.

Okay. The commentary is that these – it's so horrible. The commentary is, you know, like Americans replacing Indians. But their joke is that they're both named Indians. Yeah. Are they saying that Native Americans should be operating our nation's call centers instead of getting drunk or something? Yeah, probably. Okay.

Yeah, that's probably what's being represented. Yeah, it's so funny. I'm not the first to make this observation, but it's like that as it was OK to be racist against Asians in the 80s, like how about every 80s teen movie had the world's most offensive Asian character. That is now a cultural moment we're at regarding Indian people like that crazy voiced Indian character is just OK to have in something. Yeah. And no one says racism. And the most amazing thing about this video is that this is recorded from a local television broadcast of the parade, which is a big deal in Philadelphia. This parade is like the, you know, it's the big parade of Philadelphia, you know, just like whatever.

Puerto Rican Day Parade is in New York or whatever. And there's these local television news anchors, presumably, narrating this. And they're just narrating it. At no point does anyone say, wow, that's racist. It's just a guy saying, and here's – and our next group is a comic float. And he says, and the theme of this float is insourcing. And then they just describe what you're seeing. Like it's – the man who's narrating this, he just says, as you can see here, you have four Indian women in a call center in New Delhi arrayed in the center of your screen.

And they just describe what happens for like five minutes as this racist nightmare unfolds before them. And the black farm workers are chasing around the white women. Oh, boy. I hope they don't catch them. It's so much to absorb for a parade moment that, like, when parades go by you, I just think of, like, my hometown. There's a parade every year and the Butter and Eggs Day parade. What? That's great.

Yeah, it's actually pretty awesome because it's very small towny. But all there is is, like, my dad used to get really mad. He'd be like, I could go walk in that parade. Like, it's very small town-y. But all there is is, like my dad used to get really mad. He'd be like, I could go walk in that parade. Like it's not real, but it's just little kids. So he's saying there should be like an entry fee? He wants a higher quality. He probably would love the more paperwork. He wants sort of a poll tax.

He wants to see stuff, but really what it is. A literacy test. Let's get in there. You have to qualify. Landowners only. Your float has to really dazzle him. But usually it goes – I like the idea of your dad going to the parade just to complain about it.

It's so him. He's like – he's Mr. Arms Crossed of like, yeah, I could twirl a baton better than that. He's always that good. I can twirl a baton better than that six-year-old. Than that old. But what I love is you have about eight seconds to absorb what's passing by the front of you. So there's so much in that Indian sweeping way, Indians in a call center in America versus – I mean it's just so – it's political and it's racist and it's like just a lot to absorb for somebody that's just trying to have lemonade. and it's like just a lot to absorb for somebody that's just trying to have lemonade.

And I'm just trying to – I'm just imagining as I'm watching it just these poor local television news anchors who, number one, are most likely stupid. Right. I mean they're not necessarily stupid but the odds are that they're stupid. Well, they're probably definitely not funny. And they've chosen a life of stupidity. There's no doubt about that. Like, whether they were smart to begin with.

they approached a fork in the road. Yeah. And they said, I'm going down the local news anchor road. I'm going to focus on shrinking my intellect

and growing my hair. I'm going to put my poetry behind me. Yes. And burn my books. growing my hair. I'm going to put my poetry behind me and burn my books and be dumb. Peace Corps be damned. These people are probably, I mean, the thing about a parade is these parades, you know, if you think of the Macy's Thanksgiving, to any of these parades, the Rose Bowl parade here in Southern California, these things are four or five hours long.

Yes. And there's nothing to talk about, but you are required to talk. So there is a part where you identify the name of the thing that's being seen. So that gets done with the first 10 to 15 seconds, right? So you say this is the, you know, Second Street Northwest Mummers Club and their thing is called insourcing. It's a comic float because there's categories. It's a competition. And then after that, you have to think of things to say about what's happening. And probably it was just hour three and a half.

And they were just naming things they saw. Yeah. Like their minds had shut down except for the part that recognizes something and says the name of it. Yeah. The voice inside that was like, this isn't right. They were just like, shush, shush. Let's just get through this. Before you see a convict.

Looks like he's in an electric chair. He's gotten loose and he's threatening white women. You know, like, just whatever it is, you're just saying what it is. The white woman is taking down the pants of the Chinese man and she's disappointed at the size of his penis.

I'm just, I'm glad that they're on. I'm against racism. Oh, OK. And I want to put that out there. I'm glad you're very brave. Very brave. I'm really happy that we live in the YouTube age and also that we continue to live in the age of live television. Also, that we continue to live in the age of live television.

So that I'm just I'm just glad that we exist in a world where not only could something ape shit happen and have everyone see it, but that then you could share it with someone. Are you building up to the KDOC New Year's Eve? I did. Jamie Kennedy. Are you building up to the KDOC New Year's Eve? I did see this. Now, I have not seen that, but I saw blurbs on it and it's been a – I mean I've been meaning to watch this. So describe it to me so I don't have to. Well, basically on New Year's Eve, the local station, KDOC, which is out of Orange County, but they kind of claim Los Angeles as a whole.

It's the local CW station. Oh, OK. Because I grew up in Orange County and I don't recognize that. Oh, okay. Is it in like a new thing? Maybe it's changed hands. I don't know. I don't know. It could just be I don't remember.

You would have probably watched a Knight Rider rerun on there at some point. Sure, yeah. Kind of. It's probably in the 50s or at least up in the 50s, 60s on your dial. So they tried to do a New Year's Eve show. Jamie Kennedy was the host. He had some And executive producer.

And executive producer as well as his co-host Stu Stone who must be a comic or somebody. I don't know who he is. We should mention Jordan's old boss

Jamie Kennedy. Is that true? The first show I was a PA on was Fran Drescher's big comeback show which was called Livin' with Fran show, which was called Living with Fran. And Jamie Kennedy was oddly the executive producer. I think the situation was that he wrote this as a vehicle

for himself. And then Fran Drescher came on and then it became all about her. I don't know. I think when Jamie Kennedy pitched it, it was a different vision. And then Fran Drescher just kind of usurped everything. Imagine a time in television where Fran Drescher usurped Jamie Kennedy. And that's what was like in the trades that day. Drescher usurps Kennedy. It was 100 years ago. Dateline Hollywood. I would bring him a lot of oranges.

He always asks for oranges. Did he have a preference? Just a regular navel? Yeah, standard orange. Sure. Whatever. a lot of oranges. He always asks for oranges. Did he have a preference? Just a regular navel? Yeah, standard orange. Sure. Whatever. Not a prima donna,

or at least not to me. He just wanted vitamin C like anybody else. Sure. He's not asking for a sumo. No, no. Yeah, he wasn't. I wasn't having to go to some weird farmer's market

or organic store for some sort of super orange. Right. Specifically a sumo. Yeah. Kennedy's fine with just your standard for some sort of super orange. Right. Specifically a sumo. Yeah. Kennedy's fine with just your standard Ralph's, Vons, orange. He's every man. Sumo, the new king of citrus.

Right. Wait, do you have money in the sumo orange game? No, I just, you know, a lot of people have been emailing me and tweeting me about Satsumas because it's Satsuma season. And I have to tell people, look, Satsumas continue to be wonderful, but Sumo is the new king of citrus. Wow. So on the CW, on here in Los Angeles.

And again, this is going to sound like bandwagon-eering. I ate an orange in the car on the way over here. I just need to say it. Is that what? It's like fate. I mean, you might as well be text messaging. That's a pretty handy, intensive. I'm not sorry.

I'm not trying to like be your mom here, but I'm just saying that. I only hit two cars. It wasn't a big deal. Okay. Well, that's good. Slippery hands. It wasn't a big deal. It actually makes your hands stick here.

I couldn't get them off the wheel. I couldn't turn off of Western. Wait, was this a, I'm sorry. I might've been yelling at you prematurely. Was this a pre-peeled orange or did you peel in the car? I actually do have an assistant that does peel my oranges. Oh, okay, great. As I am.

Jamie Kennedy. Jamie Kennedy, that's what I was about to say. But you have to see this video because it's just, it's basically everything that can go wrong on a live show. And it starts from the very beginning. With the fact that Jamie Kennedy's gained a lot of weight. he's wearing clearly wearing that hair powder color thing so his hair looks like Kevin Corrigan's a little bit in that weird like it's there but you can tell it's not really their way like something something's up he looks like he's wearing a Halloween was he wasn't husky before right no no he was he was lithe yes he's quite. He's definitely. Bordering on gaunt, I would say.

Almost sinewy. He's like a gymnast. He was beautiful. He was beautiful. He had a Carrie Strug type. Sure. I mean, a craning Audrey Hepburn neck, I would say. It was fawn-like. He had a sort of, he has a sort of solid, I would say, contemporary, what's the TRL guy called?

Carson Daly? Yeah, like a contemporary Carson Daly type physique. Yeah. Less handsome than Carson Daly, though. Sure. He carries it a little less. Stonier looking. Yeah.

Like a stoner. Right. Not stone, cut out of stone. No, no, no. Not like a marble Adonis, like a guy who's been smoking weed and eating Doritos. Exactly. Which I didn't even actually recognize him when I first looked at the video. I had no idea.

I did not know it was him until three quarters of the way through, they said. And back to Jamie Kennedy. It was bad. There was just like jibs going through the shots and there was people, they had no idea they were on. Like we kept talking about it. It started with Jamie Kennedy talking to somebody full voice on mic, talking, talking, and then being like, are we starting? And like that was the beginning of the show. Wow.

And they were outside. It looked like they were near Man's Chinese Theater. And the crowd itself, like they had this big thing sectioned off, but there were literally maybe 30 people there. So it just looked like kind of strangers milling about in front of the stage. At some point on live television, they go back. They come in from commercial. And it's just Jamie Kennedy sort of wandering around the stage saying, like, oh, when are we coming back? Where's the fucking stage manager?

Do we have a stage manager? That phrase came out of his mouth, which I was just like, oh, when are we coming back? Where's the fucking stage manager? Do we have a stage manager? That phrase came out of his mouth, which I was just like, how is this possible? Where was the control room? There's a great, there's a lovely part in this video where Bone Thugs-N-Harmony perform. Are Bone Thugs-N-Harmony still active or was this like a reunion? Hell yeah. They've been active in a variety of shapes and sizes, but I think recently they have been- They do a lot of volunteering.

One of the bone- Well, they actually run- They transport fish from hatcheries to lakes. Fish bodyguards. Yeah. One of the bone thugs had a serious drug problem, I think, and then he was doing something else separate, and the rest of them were touring as bone thugs. So they've kind of like- I want to say it was Baby Busy Bone, who's a central bone thug in the thugs.

But now I think maybe they're all together again right now. Are they like riding a nostalgia wave? Because it seems like they are kind of in that zone of acts that like that mid-90s nostalgia that people love so much. Oh, they absolutely are, A, and and B legitimately because they're pretty great. Yeah. So the thing about this Bone Thugs-N-Harmony performance is they just say fuck a bunch of times. Five times?

Yeah. Are they playing a hit or are they playing a new song? The video is edited so you see only clips of them going from fuck to fuck, essentially. Yes, yes. It's a lot of fast rapping and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Fuck. Now this guy goes, fuck, and it's hilarious. There's one part where the guy goes, fuck.

Oh. Wait, wait, yo. At the end, like the last one. And you're like, what about all the other ones? Yeah. Wait, did they, do you think they were, they were, they were being dicks or did they think, were they told it was going to be beeped? No, I think they were too high to care. Okay.

Too high to care? They probably didn't care, but also it's that kind of thing where it's one thing to ask somebody in their song when they say fuck one time and then they're singing to not say it or just drop out. But this is clearly, it's like it is every tenth word in these very fast speaking raps. And there's five of them. They're all like layered. I mean, yeah, it's insane. And so with every fuck in the lyrics because of their harmony driven style, you have to get five people on the same page with not saying fuck. Fuck.

I'm up here with fuck. I'll be down here. I'm down here. Fuck. And it's also not very thuggish when people be like, yeah, you can't say fuck and be like, oh, we absolutely won't. It is moderately ruggish, though. I would say not thuggish, but to some extent ruggish. It is a bit ruggish.

It's rugged. But what's amazing about it is that it is just this – I mean, Jamie Kennedy is a legitimate star. I mean, he's not – he's obviously passed his cell by date. Sure. I mean, I'm not saying – But he's not – you know, they didn't just get the guy who headlines the Irvine improv. Yeah. Like, this is an actual famous person, right, running this thing.

And they clearly aspired to make it something special. It's not – the thing that's sad about it isn't that it's like – there used to be on – I think on KOFY TV 20 in San Francisco. There was like – TV 20. TV 20. Stereo. 20 in san francisco there was like 20 tv 20 stereo um there was like a show that was just broadcast live from a local bar that was on like late at night and um it wasn't like that it was a full-on it looked like the stage outside the fact that there was not very many people there, looked like the stage when they do those stage performances of the music acts on Jimmy Kimmel or something like that. It was sponsored by Carl's Jr.

There's that huge Carl's Jr. thing. And they did throws to the Carl's Jr. truck. And there was hot girls going, we're eating hamburgers, Jamie. Back over to you. There was supposed to be real things happening. Who was the celebrity they interviewed? They interviewed a celebrity, the sidekick. Jamie Kennedy's sidekick interviewed a celebrity in the crowd.

That girl, the Hispanic girl that went, it is nice to meet you, Stu. That was like one of my favorites. He was like – there was like – he was trying to deal with all this stuff. And then he went and he finally was like did something and it took forever. And they had like what seemed like a green integration because they kept talking about being green and living green. Yeah. Which you never knew what it actually meant. Because it's Jamie Kennedy saying it.

Sure. So you don't know if it's solar. So you assume it means something else. Yeah. It could be anything. But Shannon Elizabeth. Shannon Elizabeth.'t know if it's solar. So you assume it means something else. Yeah, it could be anything. But, um, Shannon Elizabeth. Shannon Elizabeth. Oh, wow. She did.

Shannon Elizabeth, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Jamie Kennedy. And Macy Gray. Wow. In the best dress I've ever seen in my life. And Macy Gray was just as high as a blimp. I mean, not that Macy Gray ever appears in public in any other state.

She, at this point, is presumably in a kind of continuous haze. But her ramblings on live television were so nonsensical. Wow. I have nothing against Macy Gray. I'm not trying to insult Macy Gray here. I thought it was pretty great. She was yelling at the crowd for not being interested. Yeah.

She kept going, what time is it? What time is it? There's a huge clock that says 11.50. I don't know if it was not on the stage. I couldn't tell if it was on the camera. But my favorite is when she finally, finally after four minutes of just rambling at the audience that's barely there and does not care, starts the song, starts My World Crumbles When You Are Not Here, that song. The way she's- Gotta walk away and I soul.

Gotta talk away and I crumble. She starts the song like I would start it singing it in my car. She was like, it was in a desert fire. Like maybe she knows only the chorus. Well, she's just singing whatever. I've heard this before. And there's a whole band behind her. It's like they don't know the song's starting.

So she's just kind of going. Well, because the reason is this is supposed to lead them into midnight. Like it's clear that this being her signature hit is going to be the last song of her set, and then she's going to conclude the song and she's going to count everyone down with Jamie Kennedy or something, which is why for five minutes before she starts the song,

she's rambling about trying to figure out what time it is. She finally starts it at 1152 or something. She just goes, well, we just got to start it early. Yeah. At 1152. She tries to get everyone to count down from 10 that's another

thing she does she tries to convince the audience to count down with her from 10 at 11 51 just for fun she said i'm gonna start it early let's start it early yeah that's i mean that's a pretty like that's i mean that's a pretty catty like like that's a good way around that, I think. If I was in that situation, I don't think I would have been – What are you supposed to do? If anyone comes out of this smelling like a rat, it's definitely Macy Gray. She looked great. She looked great.

She had that beautiful dress on. Her dress was like – Was her dress actually beautiful? Not in the least. It was like purple aluminum foil on the bottom half and then on the top it was like black netting that was very see-through with um the those weird plastic daisies that are on old-fashioned bathing caps it's like she's got those all over her torso like when i first saw her i was like oh it was breathtaking i was like what is

terrible thing is happening on missy gray's body right now? I love it so much. Yeah. She doesn't give a shit. I like that. I like that. It is this like mid 90s kind of super group of people. Like, do you think there was room for maybe like a Jordana Brewster or a Ryan Phillippe? Yeah.

A Sega Genesis. The guy from The Grind. There was an Atari Lynx. Oh, OK. the guy there wasn't atari links oh okay um the but what's really like there's here's the thing like we it ended in a fistfight sorry i just want to throw that what an onstage fistfight between a guy and a girl is how it ended and then it just went silent so they were just people from the crowd yes he these two girls he talked i mean was really bad. It was clearly they were just trying to stretch. Yeah. It was like, it almost made me

theorize that no one agreed what time they were going to start. Yeah. Because it's very important in live television timing. So it's like, obviously, if they started too early, then they would have to stretch. And they have to stretch with, like, 30 people who are probably captive. Like, at one point, they

don't want to be there, and they just have to stand there and watch the stuff they were there to see bone thugs and harmony or whoever and then they have to like make it last longer with these you know hideous carl's junior um integrations and yeah oh my god it turned out to be a somewhat thuggish ruggish crowd scene yeah geez but jeez. But what's amazing about it is not so much that the particular things that happened were so crazy. The thing that I enjoyed

the most about it personally, and I don't know what your feelings about this are, Karen, are just the extended sequences of them being on the air, on live television, and the people that are supposed to be hosting the show don't know that they're on. Yeah.

So it's just Jamie Kennedy wandering around a stage for literally 60 seconds, 90 seconds, talking to people, trying to find someone to tell him what's going on, like not sure what's happening. Like all the things you really, really aren't supposed to do in TV. With a live microphone. With your host out on his own and not talk to him. Yeah, like nobody is even going to him like, you know. There was no stage manager. Live. We're live.

Because, I mean, Kennedy can vamp, you know. Sure, he's a comic. I'm sure he could be entertaining if just told to stretch. He could find somebody out of the audience and goof on them. It had that feeling, though. He did warm-up for this show that I PA'd for. It was very funny with the audience. For his own show?

Yeah, he did warm-up for his own show. Yeah, no, I believe he absolutely could have. Yeah. But it's almost, it reminded me of a horrible college gig where I would have to go and do an hour for college students who had no interest in me and it would be noon at their cafeteria and after the first 12 minutes of my bullshit comedy that they didn't want to hear anyway I would just be having to stretch and just staring out at these people who it's like well none of us really want to be here now so there isn't any of that fun energy of actual entertainment taking place. And now what do we do? We have to stay. It's that kind of thing. It looked like they captured one

of those moments perfectly on local television. We have to stay here and just sit it out. Karen, as a TV professional who has done this kind of broadcast before or similar things, what do you think the culprit, like, why was it so bad? Was it just the lack of a stage manager? Did they not? I blame Carl's Jr. It just got into their heads. It got all over the place. And it got in their face.

It didn't belong there. I think they didn't have, I mean, I have a lot of theories. We watched it in the writer's room of the show I'm working on now and everyone, it's the kind of thing that it made me so nervous watching it. I felt like I was going to get in trouble as I was watching it. We should mention the show you're working on now. It's Fran Drescher's second comeback show. That's right.

She's – I think she's going to make it this time. Her and Jordana Brewster live with a sassy Sega Genesis. Voiced by Jamie Kennedy. The landlord is Macy Gray. That actually would be amazing. Yeah, that would be a fun show. It's all on the execution, that's all. That would be a really fun show.

I work on Love You Mean It, which is an e-talk show that Whitney Cummings hosts. But you know how a show where somebody who's supposed to be funny talks into a microphone and says what's going on around them when there's nothing planned. Yes. It can be done. It can be done. But what it is is it seemed like his IFB, his earpiece, either wasn't working or no one was talking to him. Because when he was doing that thing of the words, is there a stage manager, like made my heart explode. Because it's like your stage manager is your brain when you're the talent on that stage.

They're the one telling you we're going to commercial or whatever. They tell you everything. And there was no one. Like I don't know if something happened or if they were like, oh, whoops. Like we didn't plan for a stage manager. But that was one of those things. It was like watching a child wander around on a sidewalk where you're like, oh, this is making me really uncomfortable. Oh, he's going to go into the street. No, don't go into the street. Where's the stage manager? It was that feeling. And then it also felt like they were just name in the executive producer credits, like I had assumed in my mind that – the reasonable assumption would be that Jamie Kennedy got his name in the executive producer credits just by virtue of the fact that he agreed to host the show.

Right. But I kind of think that it was all Jamie Kennedy's idea. Like in my mind, the reason Jamie – because I don't know like what – you wouldn't go to Jamie Kennedy with this, right? Yeah. I don't know. You wouldn't take this to Jamie Kennedy. It's a good question. I wonder. I think he was – I think it was someone's idea in his area that he then said, yeah, that could be cool. And then it was like, well, we'll just do it ourselves.

Some one somebody I know actually theorized it was his plan and he wanted it to be that bad because he would know that it would be like viral, which I said, if you were going to do that, you would at least cover your ass and be funnier. Right. Yeah. Because he doesn't come off well. I mean, you feel bad for him, but it's not like, oh, he covered that well or he really slammed that guy in a funny way. on one camera. Right. Just one, just clearly like just the camera that happens to be at the back of the, for shooting web video and reference video for comedians. And then they come back and you're like, oh, people who watch this just watched 10 minutes of Jamie Kennedy's standup on one camera.

Yeah, just to burn time, just to kill time. But I have to say, like, I don't – I like the idea. I would love it if this is the direction television was going where if that person's theory was true that Jamie Kennedy did it on purpose, that that's the kind of television we're going to start getting because it is hard to make. I mean, you know, everyone kind of is like, oh, that show sucks or this show sucks, which I understand because often TV shows do really suck. But just executing a show, whether it sucks or not, is a very, very difficult thing to do. There's all these moving parts and you have to have people who really know their job. Yeah.

To make that shitty show would be as hard as making a good show. It's as hard as the best show. Yeah. It's all the same job. But then to watch it like it be shitty and be shittily done and have it captured on. I mean, there's so many people like I the first person I looked up was the sound guy because I was like, who is the sound person that like let his microphone be open at the top? I mean, there's just I don't know. It's fascinating.

But I mean, the sound guy was he did what he was supposed to do, which is turn on his microphone when the red light turned on. Exactly. Yes, because the camera was rolling. You're exactly right. Later on in the credits, what Karen was alluding to earlier is that after the fight breaks out, they keep. Between a man and a woman. Between a man and a woman. This is on stage.

A fist fight. Yes. Jamie Kennedy, Jamie Kennedy's even shorter, schlubbier, bro-ier sidekicks are standing there on stage together. I will say that when I PA'd on the show, a duty that I had was like shuttling around Jamie Kennedy's buds. Yeah. And like driving them from the, you know, car park to the stage. And while doing that, having to listen to all the weird projects they were doing with Jamie Kennedy.

What if they've been planning this since that show? Oh, wow. Maybe. They planned that in that shuttle. Could be. Like, we've got this New Year's Eve plan. It's going to be amazing. Oh, in this case, they were pitching these weird projects to me.

I was picking them up for Jamie Kennedy. No. Anyway, yeah. For real? Yeah, yeah. Totally for real. Did you green light any of them? I mean, I had some green lighting power as a PA.

Right, right. But I mainly used that. You could green light Krollers, for example. Right, yeah. I could green light Bearclaws. I could green light the brand of iced tea that was purchased from the store. They're just the type of people that would pitch anything to anyone that had like two ears on either side of their head.

Yeah. I mean I think it's that old adage. I mean maybe not an old adage. But that thing that you hear that the people who talk the most about their show business projects are probably the ones doing the worst. Right. So. And I think this was probably the case. Yeah.

So on stage, Jamie Kennedy, Jamie Kennedy's buddy. Behind them, people that they've invited on stage for the end of the show from the audience. Seemingly everyone. The entire audience, yes. Well, half dozen of them. A fight breaks out. Jamie Kennedy says, oh, and that's how we're going to end it. A fight.

Two people are fighting behind me. So he knew. Well, by then, he definitely knew. Yeah are fighting so he knew he well by then he definitely yeah yeah he knew yeah so it and and what's amazing is they're rolling the credits over this you know sort of on half of the screen white letters over this and they keep the camera on but they just cut the audio. Wow. So you can still see the people fighting. There's still like a crowd that's in the midst of a borderline riot. And this is like on Hollywood Boulevard. This is by the Chinese theater.

That's what I was just putting that in my mind. You know, Universal City Walk maybe. Just some big mall area. Yes, that could fit a big concert-sized stage. A parking lot next to something. Okay. And it's just amazing because you just see this sort of seething crowd of people. You see a sort of broken Jamie Kennedy.

He jumps off the stage. Yeah, there's no audio and it's just credits rolling over this fight. 2013. 2013. Yeah, they gotta top that, I guess. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jamie Kennedy's new agent. Great. I saw you making some calls during the break. I just got some ideas for... Is that as long as it takes to seal a deal like that?

Yeah. Are you? Wow. Yeah. Things happen fast in showbiz. I just, I went ahead and tweeted him and I said, loved your stuff. Super edgy. Yeah.

The new jackass. Let's do this thing. Viral hits. Reviral, revival, revival. Yeah. Let's do a second screen platform. Just go for it. Sure.

I can speak the lingo. Totally. Come on. Hey, sponsors on this week's program. Oh, we got something up on the Jumbotron. Yeah. Ben Watkins is an artist working in Providence, Rhode Island, and he's having a one-man show at AS220 Artspace January 6th through the 26th. show at AS220 Art Space, January 6th

through the 26th. If you can't make it to the show, you can visit his website at benwatkinsstudio.com benwatkinsstudio.com where you can see all of the art in the show, and if you don't live there, he will ship for free to Jordan Jesse Go listeners. But you know what?

I say you go to the opening of this fucking thing. Yeah. Right? Like, how would you, why would you not do that? Sounds like a lot of fun. I bet there will be, uh, maybe some plastic cups filled with Trader Joe's wine. I need to go to this, go to this thing. Get yourself some Trader Joe's wine. AS220. I don't know, I cannot say if there will be

Trader Joe's wine. No guarantees. No guarantees. AS220 Artspace, Ben Watkins Studio dot com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's Maximum Fun dot org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any Jordan and Jesse Goh shows, email Teresa at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Goh. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Karen Kilgariff. Karen Kilgariff. That's a weird nickname. I don't know if I'm on board with that. It Morris, boy detective. Karen Kilgariff. Karen Kilgariff. That's a weird nickname. I don't know if I'm on board with that. It makes you sound shady.

I am shady. Oh, okay. Well, then it's perfect. Yeah, I'm kind of direct. I'm direct in my shadiness. What's her angle? What do people think? Can I ask you guys

a quick question? Sure. You know, beautiful actor Gabrielle Garcia Bernal? Yes. Gael Garcia Bernal? G Gabriel Garcia Bernal? Yes. Gael Garcia Bernal? Gael Garcia Bernal.

Well, we're racist anyway. I know the Bernal guy. Yeah. Yeah. He gave me the heebie-jeebies. He is quite small. He's too small. Like maybe he could be like hiding under your bed or something and you wouldn't notice.

Or in your medicine cabinet. Oh, sure. For me, he's too small, too beautiful, and too intense. I can't handle the combination of those things. I feel like he's going to like— Well, no more Almodovar movies for you then. No Almodovar movies for me just in general. But I feel like he's gonna shank

me with a tiny knife i wonder if it's because his eyes are too close together are they well do you feel that and when you think about his face if the if we could just pull his eyes apart like a centimeter don't you think that would make a bit of a difference something about like the height of his cheekbones yeah like that he that he just has – that he has such a graceful facial structure. But then I've – but then he's so intense. So he's not like – he's not just chilling out. He's like, I'm going to – I feel like he's going to stick me in the back. But I think you have to be intense when your eyes are about to touch.

Like you just have to be – To key them apart. You have to be ready. Because you need about to touch. You just have to be... To key them apart. You have to be ready. Because you need 3D vision. You can't go into that realm. Right. Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. Sure. If anybody has any thoughts on the forum, just let me know what you think. But Karen,

you have a guitar on your lap. You're going to sing us a song. I am, and strangely it's about Gail Garcia Benal's... No. I won't even try. This is like VH1 storytellers. This is crazy. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Karen Kilgareth.

Yes. Oh, I wish I was as pretty as that porn star you're in love with. But I will never wear a tube top, pumps, super skinny matchstick jeans. Because I was born with calves bigger than your average discus throwers forearms. So for now, I'll just hang back and wait and see. And hope that one day you'll be scarred by acid or by love. If there's a God above, let him fix the score. Cause right now you're a solid nine and i'm a four but i couldn't love you more

if only life was like a sitcom If only I could play the husband Then I could just be fat and funny And you'd be hot and shut your mouth But we all know our roles It's impossible It never will be otherwise Men fall in love first through their eyes Second through their eyes

So I hope one day you go blind from a macular disease because there's no one else but me who loves you more now open up or i'll kick down this door because i couldn't love you more by acid or by love this door because I couldn't love you more. By acid or by love. Thanks, guys. Karen Kilgariff. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Karen Kilgariff, radio personality. Here's the thing. 2013 is upon us. 2012, our slogan. We're in it. Is upon us the wrong word to use?

Maybe it's not. It is upon us. Okay. Inside us? Yeah. Yeah. In our butts. It's up our butts.

Right now, my prostate is being stimulated by 2013. It's going to be a good year. Okay. 2013. For sexual exploration. Right a good year. Okay. 2013. For sexual exploration. Right. Learning new things about our bodies. Do you think that's going to be the theme of 2013?

Oh. Is there a succinct way to say that? Our bodies ourselves. Our bodies ourselves. Maybe. 2013. That would be awesome. You don't get sued.

Discovering new pleasure zones. Discovering bundles of nerves. What about 2013, an erogenous adventure? I like that. An erogenous adventure? Yeah, because you're just finding new erogenous portions of your body. Yeah, more indifferent fucking. The way you said that, I thought you were going to say an erogenous event horizon.

Yeah. It's a different direction. You go into a black hole, am I right? That's right. Sometimes. Sure. It's a different direction. That was the... You go into a black hole, am I right? That's right. Sometimes. Sure. Sam Neill is there.

He turns into a flaming zombie. Has anyone else seen Event Horizon? So, here's the thing that happens on our... Orange Fishburne is involved.

Okay. Jordan, I know you're having a really great time talking about the movie Event Horizon. I am. It's your dream. I know that it's finally come up. talking about the movie Event Horizon. I am.

It's your dream. I know that it's finally come up. I've just been waiting for it to come up. We've been doing this show for six years. So here's the thing, Karen. We had a great slogan in 2012, more powerful than ever, colon, going ape. Going ape. It was about destroying your enemies, specifically crushing them in your hands like a paper cup. Awesome.

And just tossing them under the bleachers. Littering. Yes. If you will. We wanted to throw civic mores out the door. Good. So a lot of petty crimes, a lot of jaywalking, light shoplifting, littering. Graffiti, some types of vandalism.

Graffiti, cutting the tags off a pillow. And then stabbing bums. Stabbing bums, eating that little packet that comes in a shoebox. No, you can't eat that. We did this year. Shit. So we were trying to figure out what 2013 would be all about. Somebody last week called in to suggest that the new slogan should be shit gets real.

And shit gets real is a good slogan. It's really good. We all admitted that that's a pretty solid slogan. I mean, what are the downsides of that slogan? I would say probably the number one downside is it could be perceived as a little shopworn. I've heard it before. Also, it doesn't seem like a slogan as much as just a truth. That's just, you know, I think it does.

It's not really like make shit real would be kind of a command, but shit gets real. Yeah. I mean, and I guess here's the other thing is that, like, last year we got a lot of great Goin' Ape fan art. Right. I, in my living room have a lovely going ape print that someone made hey i really i got one right outside the studio it inspires me uh you know

when i'm at home and feeling like you know i'm a little stalled out you feel like you've seen all the different kinds of pornography and you can't get hard sure exactly and then i look at this sexy ape and i jerk it gets real and gets real. And shit gets real. Hey. I'm worried that the fan art associated with shit gets real would just be like gross poops. Yeah. And I don't really want to. I don't want to look at that. Yeah.

It's not inspiring. I don't want to put it on display. I want to look at a sexy, virile silverback. Right. Yes. Right. Exactly. So we threw it out to our listeners. We've got some calls.

We've got some emails. So we threw it out to our listeners. We've got some calls. We've got some emails. I think we should start with our first call here for a suggestion for our motto for 2013. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Sam from Boston calling in for the action item of the year, the theme of the year 2013. 2012, we became more powerful than ever. We went ape, reached our zenith,

got stronger than we ever thought we could become. And now in 2013, there are going to be people who didn't listen to Jordan Jesse go, didn't reach their zenith, didn't go ape, and they're going to look to take us down. They're going to try and take what we accomplished and bring it low. So I say, 2013 theme, take your best shot.

All right. Thanks a lot, guys. Talk to you later. Take your best shot, huh? I'm worried that there's an air of, like, paranoia seeping into this. There's an air of, like, Manchurian candidate, three days of the condor style, 70s paranoia seeping into this. Erase this message after you listen to it. Yeah.

We had a lot of good suggestions on the forum. I'm going to run through a couple of them just to get some initial feedback. But I would like to mention that sometimes when you're paranoid, you're right. That's true. So just to keep it in mind that it's sometimes good, the whole art of war thing. Right. Don't rest on your laurels, guys. You're doing well.

You've got this nice office. Right. You've got your nice eight pictures. Don't get comfortable. Don't get lax. No, that's true. Maybe get paranoid a little bit. Yeah.

Destroy your enemies. Just want to put that out there. Richard Nixon style. Yeah. Ooh, 2013 Nixon style. Nixon the shit out of it. Nixon style. Oh, I like enemies. Richard Nixon style. Yeah. Ooh, 2013 Nixon style. Nixon the shit out of it. Nixon style. Oh, I like that.

Record everything. Lie. Wear great suits. Worry that certain shoes make you look effeminate. Play better on the radio than television. Sure, yeah. Pick up your dog by its ears. I mean, that's certainly us.

Yeah, okay, so. Pick up your dog by the ears. Okay, so. Pick up your dog by the ears. We had two suggestions with a filmmaking theme. One of them was 2013, pulling a steamship up a mountain. Okay. It's a Werner Herzog.

And simply. Fitzcarraldo. Yeah, a Fitzcarraldo theme. And a simpler one, which is, this one came from Chicken Hawk, one of the users on the forum. Be the Herzog you want to see in the world. So if you want to see more colossal titanic battles between man and nature or man in his own worst proclivities, then you can be the Herzog you want to see in the world. We should all make strange turns in bizarre Tom Cruise movies. Yep.

And narrate things in the most ridiculously dramatic way possible when we're just talking about caves. 2013, no girls allowed. I'm out on that one. I got a special lady in my life. I mean, I also like girls, and I want to welcome them into this tent. There's something I like about the energy of No Girls Allowed. No Girls Allowed does have a good energy. I mean, literally, I don't agree, but there's something about it that I don't want to – I don't know.

It has something to learn from it. So would you change it, for example, to 2013 colon no girls allowed colon a metaphor? 2013 no girls allowed. Oh, no Jews allowed. Oh, yeah. That's – no, no, no. I do like 2013 no girls allowed a metaphor. Okay. Well – I do like 2013 No Girls Allowed, a metaphor. Okay. Well. Like, don't, you know, here's I guess maybe what I like about it is that, like, when you're a young boy and, you know, you would write No Girls Allowed on a clubhouse, girls are what annoys you.

So maybe, like, No Girls Allowed means, like, not tolerating the things that. Yeah, women specifically and their feelings and their menses. Let's take another call here. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Jess in Oregon. I just wanted to submit my idea for the action item of Slogan for 2013.

And a friend of mine and I came up with it last night as we were discussing turning 30. And it is growing up and staying young. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye. Number one, you've got to sell it on the phone. You can't.

If our slogan is growing up and staying young. Okay, bye. That's not going to work. Yeah, it didn't sound slogany. There was no exclamation point at the end. When you're sloganeering, you've got to sloganeer. He's got all caps, underlined threads. I like it was no exclamation point at the end. When you're sloganeering, you've got to sloganeer. He's got all caps, underlined threads. I like it.

It's a little on the nose. Yeah. It's a little on the nose. It's a little gentle. Right. Yeah. I mean, I think we should maintain that aggression. Yeah.

It's not- Go an ape. It's not inspirational. The problem that you're going to have with that one is, what happens when enemies get in your way? Guys, this is the reason no girls are allowed. I think that's the perfect example. Girls can be aggressive.

Have you seen any of the Resident Evil movies? No, no, no. I was just saying that. Have you seen Ascension? That was my joke. Have you seen? Wait, Lara Croft Tomb Raider. Yeah.

No, that was my joke on her suggestion. It's easier when you're the woman on the show to shit on other women. I think that's the most powerful place to come from. In terms of guests. That's the move. That's called new wave feminism. That's the newest wave of feminism. There are going to be so many Tumblr posts about this episode.

More love, more power. More love. This is the only one with an ellipsis. It's a little hippy-dippy. I was going to say, is there a pot leaf at the end of that? That's a little bit. Yes, there's an emoji of a pot leaf, of a smiling pot leaf, and then Santa Claus for some reason. And a gun.

And a gun. There's always a gun. Shit. Oh, Japan. Let's listen to another call here. Hey, Gigi. This is Amy. Action item for this week.

Slogans on the eight theme, on the going eight theme. 2013, limb from limb. Just think about it. Limb from fucking limb. See, what I... Shit Gets Real is pretty good, though. All right. Love you guys.

Bye. limb. Shit gets real is pretty good though. Alright, love you guys. What I like is that this guy didn't let the fact that shit gets real is pretty good get in the way of selling his idea limb from limb.

The way he talked though, I felt like I would buy it no matter what he said because he was a salesman. He was like just think about it. This is a man who's read Getting to Yes. He knows who moved his car. Oh, He was like, just think about it. This is a man who's read Getting to Yes. He knows who moved his car. Oh, I was going to. Damn it.

Oh, you're in my brain, Kilgariff. Freakonomics. I don't know. That's something else. We got something. Okay. I like, there's a couple, there's a couple colon ones that I like. Here's the first one.

Make it so, colon, taking it to the hoop. Excuse me. I sneezed. I was like, can I make it through this slogan without sneezing? I failed. I thought you started laughing. I thought it was like you couldn't control your laughter. Make it so, colon, taking it to the hoop.

Now, here's the thing. What this person suggested is that make it so, which of course was the catchphrase of Captain Baldhead from Star Trek. I can't remember his name. Thank you, Picard. Baldhead. And so he thought he could balance that out by having the second part be about sports. Yeah. Taking it to the hoop. The truth is, honestly, I like taking it to the hoop better than I like Make It So. Because I don't think that this is about telling other people what to do. This is about effectuating your own life, making yourself, you know what I mean? Taking it to the hoop, that's like, I don't care if Dikembe Mutombo is in there.

Sure. I don't care if Yinka Dare is guarding the hole. Because, man, Make It So has kind of like your commanding – like, yeah, this has to be something that you say, not something that like the universe is saying to you. Right. I think that's why Make It So doesn't work. But I like taking it to the hole or taking it to the hoop. Taking it to the hole. That's your private business.

No girls allowed taking it to the hole. Taking it to the hole. That's your private business. No girls allowed. Taking it to the hole. Taking it to the hole. That's the best one so far. No doubt about it. You might have to talk me out of that. That might be. No girls allowed. Taking it to the hole.

Okay, well, I think if you like that one, you're going to like this one, which is rule with an iron fist, colon, keep it sexy. You know, I automatically just have an aversion to this, having been so let down by the movie The Man with the Iron Fists. Right. Sure. I mean, I recognize the parts of this slogan that are good, but I just don't like it reminding me of that disappointment of a movie. What if we connected it with- I did like Fat Russell Crowe. Can the slogan be- Fat Russell Crowe, colon, keep it sexy?

Yeah. I was thinking of- He does. Even he got fat, he's still pretty sexy. What if you connected it with a more successful RZA project? What if it was cash rules everything around me, colon, keep it sexy? I don't dislike that. I don't dislike that.

I mean, if I may, as an outsider, I don't feel like you guys need to be reminded to keep it sexy. I know that's conceptual and it's more about the larger picture. But I feel like it's redundant to me. What about? It's redundant. Because we already radiate a kind of raw. It's about sex on this show. Sure. So that's like saying keep it talking.

What about? Keep it audio. Yeah. Keep it with words. Hard as a rock. Hard as a rock. Yeah. Take it to the hole.

Take it to the hole. Hard as a rock. Take it to the hole. That's pretty good. Take it to the hole. Take it to the hole. Hard as a rock, take it to the hole. That's pretty good. Take it to the hole. Yeah. Okay. This is one that I thought was a really interesting perspective.

This is from one of our most beloved forum members, Concrete Tales. And I'm going to give his explanation first and then his slogan. Maybe in 2013 we shed the facade, you know, the facade that we aren't all living in near constant, often subconscious, but almost ever present fear of our own mortality. We might shout more powerful than ever in futility against inevitability and somehow manage to put on a brave face. We might find brief fleeting moments of joy. Nonetheless, the wash of despair that eventually all we love will be gone from the earth cannot be held back, which is why he suggests 2013 colon quiet desperation.

Well, then I think, I mean, that's just really off base. What about immortal power? Immortal power. I like immortal power. That's awesome. I do too. An undying, unkillable. That's right.

I want to thank Concrete Tales for bringing us Quiet Desperation that brought us to immortal power. Which is my new favorite. Yeah, that's really good. Immortal Power, colon, take it to the hoop. Take it to the hoop. I like take it to the hole better than take it to the hoop. I do, too. Because, number one, it has a more street ring to it, which I think is a very, I think

that's an important part of our identity. I was raised very rich, so I don't know anything about street lingo. Sorry. I'm from the barrio, so I know a little bit about the hood. Yeah. And I will confirm that it's a little bit more street to say take it to the hall. All right. I have to trust you.

And when I say more street, I mean it's from the video game NBA Street. The announcer shouts, take it to the hall. Yeah. Be unsinkable is one we got on email okay immortal power immortal power yeah immortal power could use a secondary where did that come was that from was that from his his paragraph no it's just no i i sort of my response it was my emotional response desperation immortal power okay no i think immortal choices immortal power. Okay. No, I think immortal power. It's like those are your two choices. Immortal power, colon, something.

I don't know what the second part is, but I like immortal power. Immortal power, no girls allowed. No. I don't want no girls allowed because I do want girls to be allowed. Sure. But isn't it- Lots of girls. Karen, you're allowed. I sure the fuck am.

But what I'm saying is, isn't it- Just not those other bitches, am I right? New wave feminism. I'm the best one. I'm the best one feminism. No, it's- What about immortal power colon Burger King Kids Club? What about immortal power colon you break it, you bought it?

What about immortal power plug it, you break it, you bought it? Yeah, I like that. What about immortal power, plug it in, plug it in? Immortal power, plug it in. I like immortal power, plug it in. Oh, that's really good. That's really good. Immortal power, plug it in. Plug it in. That's pretty fucking good, right?

It is pretty good. Do we have to make a decision today? I think we probably should. We shouldn't drink. Fucking Immortal Power plug it in is really good. I'm really juiced about this right now. It is really good. I think I just plugged into it. That is hot. And also

the art that people make that that makes them think of could be so... There'd be so many lighting bolts! Yeah. So many Glade plug-ins! It could be so many lighting bolts. Yeah. So many Glade plug-ins. It could be God plugging in like a power surge, like a surge protector. Yep. Okay.

Which is really cool. Number one, Concrete Tails gets a t-shirt for inspiring immortal power. Sure. Good work. Good work. Number two, Karen Kilgariff gets a t-shirt for thinking of plugging in. So stoked. Number three, I'm going to give one to Brian Fernandez.

We do not pay him enough. He is not wearing a shirt. He should get paid more. He should come to work wearing a shirt. Disgusting. No shirt, no shoes, no engineering from here on out. Am I right? Immortal Power, no shirt, no shoes to service.

No, no. Let's go with plug it in. Immortal Power, plug it in. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Karen Kilgariff, sloganeer.

I fucking, I cannot hold it in. I'm so excited about 2013 now. It's cool. Fucking, I'm fucking plugged in right now. I got my finger in the, I'm plugging my finger into the socket. Let's do this. For the home listener, Jesse sucked on his finger as if it was a candy cane. And then put it right there.

I honestly feel like I am never going to die because of that. Maybe we won't. Maybe we won't. There's a chance we won't. Who's to say? Who's to say? We don't know. We haven't done it yet.

I know. Fucking immortal power. Yeah. Even if our bodies die, our power will live on. That's right. As ghosts. What about this? will live on. That's right. As ghosts. What about this? Powerful ghosts.

Powerful ghosts. Just one idea for just one graphic idea. Sure. We got a lot of artists and designers, craftspeople in the audience who are going to go crazy with this. Yeah, and I will reiterate that part of my favorite thing about the slogan last year was all the cool art that came of it. Yeah, it was so amazing. I mean, mad encouragement to anybody who wants to keep doing that this year. You know those gay fucking line drawings?

What are those called? I don't know. It's like a dude with a mustache. Yeah. Oh, really? Yes. Something like that. That's funny. Yeah, Tom't know. It's like a dude with a mustache. Yeah. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. Something like that.

Oh, funny. Yeah. Something along those lines. That's right. Something you see in the window of an art store on Castro Street. A lot of Tom of Finland at Gay Comic Con. Yeah. That's right.

Yeah. It's like that. It's a dude with a boner with a boner. Mm-hmm. And he's got his boner in the blowhole of an orca. Uh-huh. And out of this, they're fucking cresting. Yeah. They're coming out of the water.

Yeah. He's got his head thrown back in ecstasy. Immortal ecstasy. Yeah. Right? The orca's fucking ecstatic, too. He loves it. Okay. You can just tell.

Yeah. You can just tell. Because I don't want people to think this is encouraging, like, animal abuse. No. The orca is fucking ecstatic, too. He loves it. You can just tell. Yeah. You can just tell. Because I don't want people to think this is encouraging, like animal abuse. No, the orca's into it. The orca's fucking into it. The blowhole is very sensitive. It's a lot of bundles of nerve endings. Number one, the fucking orca initiated.

Oh, okay. So it's the orca. The whole thing's the orca's idea. Because it was dressed so slutty. Right. It swam to Finland. And it was all revving up. I was asking her around for Tom.

On the coastline. Okay. So he's like, you know, like he's riding it the way that you would ride. Like if you rode a seahorse the way you'd ride a horse. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? That's how he's riding the orca. So the orca's up and sort of arched back.

And he's holding on to it. His head's thrown back in ecstasy, fucking lightning bolts everywhere. Yeah. Shooting out, and the center of the lightning bolts is that point of copulation. Okay. That's where it's radiating. That's where all the energy's coming from. Oh, yeah.

Man fucking whale. And this is what 2013 means to you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. That's what 2013 means to me. Man fucks whale. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking, that's one of the biggest- We could all fuck whales. An orca is a fucking deadly beast. Sure. An orca is a whale that eats fucking dolphins and shit. Yeah. I don't even know what an orca eats.

But in 2013, we are going to fuck that orca. But the orca is going to be on our fucking team. That's right. This is consensual. That's right. We are fucking joining with orcas to shoot lightning into the sky, fucking lightning power beams. Because the blowhole is where it breathes out of. Is that considered a blowjob?

Yeah. Okay. That's well in orca parlance. Sure. If you went to Marine World and asked a trainer, they'd tell you that's what a blowjob is. If you went to Marine World and went to that weird part of the bathroom, they would tell you all about this. Right. You tap your foot three times.

You slide a newspaper under the door. This is going to be so great. Karen, thank you so much for joining us on the show this week. I feel like you've given me a new lease on life, specifically eternal life. Oh, my God. Well, it's my pleasure to give anyone immortality. I've worked with a lot of Highlanders in the past. And it's just a joy.

I really, no, that was actually- There could only be one. There's nothing I love more than when everyone's trying to figure something out, and then you actually get some kind of hand in it. That's the joy of life. Terrific. Karen, we really appreciate it. Karen, you sang a song earlier.

You have a digital extra play album. Yes. That came out last year, about a year ago. I just love it. I think it is so worth everyone's, what were we talking about? $3, $5? It's $3, yeah. $3.

So worth everybody's $3. Where can they get it on the internet? That's on Bandcamp. It's called Behind You. It's so fucking great. If you're out there, it's $2.99, Karen Colgariff Behind You. $3.

$3 even. Can we give people a discount? I don't know how to work that. Can you mail them a penny? It'll cost more to mail the penny. I'll write them a check for a penny if they buy it. Can we use the code JJGO, one penny discount, 2013, immortal power, colon, more powerful than ever. So if you type that in.

Parentheses orca. Parentheses fucking orca. You will get a one cent discount. If you put in all that energy, one cent worth of energy. But seriously, it's one of my favorite comedy things of the past couple of years. Just a really great, wonderful thing. And like the song that we heard, a lot of pathos in addition to the jokes. Not just a bunch of silly jokes.

There are some silly jokes in there. But some real pathos. And as you heard, Karen is a gifted musician and singer as well. So I really strongly recommend that. Jordan's web series just concluded successfully, I would argue. Sure. So go watch it, GameShop, youtube.com slash start. Leave some comments. Sure.

You know what I would do? What would you do? Look. Pretend I'm Mark Summers. I'm asking you, what would you do? I would go onto the internet. Yeah. I would watch Game Shop, your web series, in which you star and which you were one of the writers of. And I would laugh and enjoy it.

I'd watch the whole thing up to the stunning sci-fi finale. Wow. And then- The huge break in tone sci-fi finale. Sure. Then I would. Delightfully tone breaking, I would say. I would send a message on YouTube or Twitter, drop an email and tell the people at IGN.

Yeah. Who made this that you enjoyed it, that I enjoyed it. That's what I'm going to do. I'm actually going to do all those things because I saw somebody complimenting you on Twitter about that. And I made a mental note. And those don't work for me. Yeah. Right.

And they'd go away immediately. Right. So in 2013, I'm going to adapt to that fact. Plug in. Plug in. And plug in. Plug in to my immortal. What is it?

Power? My immortal power. Immortal power. But I'm going to watch that because I am a huge fan of yours. Oh, thank you. Nice of you to say. Thank you. I'm excited that you actually made something that I can watch.

Yes, you can totally watch it. What about this? You know the Frankenstein, you know where he's in the machine, you've got the electrodes. It's like that, but it's a fucking puma. Yeah. I like that. Is that really how you pronounce puma? It's sewn together from the parts of all the deadliest pumas.

It's like, ahhh! Hey, can I bug people about one more thing while we're bugging people to watch stuff and buy stuff? Sure. Hey, my pilot presentation, Freelance freelance beat down also up on the internet we're kind of getting into that show business season yeah people are getting back into the office people are watching stuff uh yeah youtube.com slash jordan morris it's a television pilot that i wrote and there's a kind of a fun souped up staged reading i sat down intending to watch a few minutes of it and then come back to it because I had shit to do.

I got sucked into it. It's engrossing, I've been told. I was laughing my butt off. It's very funny. It's very inventive. Thank you. It has some great illustrations by our friend from Dr. McNinja. It's a real blast.

Am I going to have to dedicate my Sunday to Jordan Morris and all his projects? Well, I mean, you should be keeping up regularly. True. So you shouldn't have to cram like this, Karen. True, true, true. I mean, I know I sound like your mom the day before a big midterm. You actually sound exact.

You have her voice. Yeah. And so it's upsetting. Can I suggest something that you could do seven days a week? Absolutely. Plug in. To my. Immortal power.

Immortal power. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. Brian Fernandez on the boards. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. 206-984-4FUN. Our telephone number. Our theme music. Love you.

Courtesy of the free design and Light in the Attic Records. I'm going to be fucking giving out t-shirts willy-nilly to anybody that makes something great. Cool. Good. Exciting. I agree. Willy fucking nilly. Yeah. Immortal power. Good. Exciting. I agree. Willie fucking Nilly. Yeah.

Willie Vanilly. Immortal power Willie Vanilly. Willie Nilly. Willie Vanilly. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.