Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 258: Wet My Beak with Nick Adams and Kurt Braunohler

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

Nick Adams guest hosts with Jesse and they are joined by comedian Kurt Braunohler for a discussion of Los Angeles' Sunken City, surfing, skateboarding, Huell Howser, and a new sitcom idea.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Sitting in, Nick, repeat Adams. Good to see you, friend. It's good to be here at MaxFun World Domination Headquarters, live from the rape box. We are recording. You are not the first guest to come into this studio and note that it seems like a place where a nightmarish assault of some kind.

It's like an amateur Rape Box because it has windows. It's like you're just getting into the rape biz. Well, I don't know. What if I'm charging? Oh, so yeah, it's going the other way. It's like an admission thing. Yeah, now you're a professional and people will pay to see your techniques. Sure.

This is not how we should start programs. No, I apologize to all of your listeners. Nick Adams has already gotten into the Newcastles. We have some leftover beers probably from Max Fun Con. I have like eight JJ Go drunk streak in a row. I have like a eight JJ Go drunk streak in a row. Like I had never co-hosted this show sober. It is literally, yeah.

And the only problem is that you weren't able to stop at my local grocery store, El Superior, and try out one of the many unusual beers on offer. Every animal that can be slaughtered and turned into sausage, they have done it. That's very true.

Figured out a way to do it. I love that place. It is a good place to go if you want to learn about various nationalities of chorizo. Is your blood pressure way too low? Well, you could take some sort of Lipitor or you could just go to Superior and eat what they have for sale. Let's bring our guests into this conversation of course you know him from television probably know him from film

i'm not familiar with any films he's in but i bet he's been in some films a hundred um you know him as a new resident of los angeles and that's how you know me half of the half of the comedy duo kurt and kristin as well as a stand-up comic in his own right, has appeared on This American Life. Had his own television program on IFC, Kurt Braunohler. Hello. How are you, sir? I'm good. Thanks for having me. It's wonderful to have you on the program, Kurt.

I'm so excited that you live here in our beautiful city. Our. You can't even say it with a straight face. He said our, though. That's a huge improvement. You can't even say it with a straight face. He said our, though. That's a huge improvement. Nick Adams counts the number of times I refer to Los Angeles as my home, refer to myself as an Angeleno.

Your son a native-born Angeleno? Oh, boy. I love it. I love it. He probably has a, like, you know how teenagers keep their drugs stashed in, like, a hole in the wall behind a painting? If you say so, Granddad. He probably has a skateboard in there. Just waiting. Just waiting to bro out at the mall.

You don't start skateboarding here until you're late 20s. Like you don't even start until you're late 20s. That's when you start skateboarding here. So, Kurt, tell me about, I presume that you moved to Los Angeles. Did you move to Los Angeles for show business reasons? Oh, yep. For show business. You were hosting a television show in New York.

I was. And it came to a sad and untimely conclusion. Too soon. Too soon. It was a very funny show called Bunk. People should look it up, I guess, by stealing it off the internet. I don't know. Is it available for purchase?

It is available for purchase on iTunes. But you shouldn't give them your money. And you can also, I think it's still running on IFC. Okay. It's a very, very funny game show that you hosted with those shoes on. I was proud of it. Yeah. And then just moved here.

Yeah, I moved here in October. You just figured you'd get in, you'd what, crack the picture business? No, I'm not interested really in showbiz. I just was like, I cannot spend enough time in my car. Right. What if you stand up in a laundromat? Yeah, where can I? Or at a taco stand. Like, where can I?

I'm looking for some stand-up shows that are kind of sketchy and kind of less attended than New York shows. Anytime six people stand still for too long there's a stand-up show. So how do you, tell me about how you find it. First of all, what kind of neighborhood do you live in?

I live in Silver Lake, which I've been trying to figure out what is the equivalent in New York. And I think it's maybe like North Park Slope. Okay. Like a place that was gentrified quite some time ago. Very long time ago and now is way too crowded and overpriced. One of the nice things about Silver Lake is that they've gentrified in terms of housing prices many of the folks who live in much of Silver Lake, not all of Silver Lake. But they've managed to keep it pretty ugly. Yeah.

They don't do a lot of things to clean it up. They didn't clean it up when they gentrified it. No, no, no. It still has the appearance that it's a dangerous place. Well, the mustache filters out a lot of the particulate matter. The mustache is there, clean the air, so they don't have to worry about that part of it. And the baby carriages just clean the streets.

So, yeah, it's not a problem. Wait, so you think Silver Lake is expensive? It's reasonably expensive, yes. More so than any other place on the east side, right? It's more expensive than where I live. Well, yeah. I mean, on the east side, it's the more expensive. I live in Mid-City,

so it's all relative, guys. Right. Mid-City's not really any more expensive than Silver Lake. I can't believe we're discussing local real estate prices.

But I want to take both of you to task for the fact that you live in Los Angeles. We were talking about this before we started. Live in Los Angeles and don't know about

this magical place that I, a person who has just moved here, found out about, which is a sunken city, an abandoned sunken city on the west side. I don't think this is real. I think just a drunk girl told you this. No. I have seen photos of it.

I have seen photos of it. One person who would know, we should call him, is Jonah Ray would know. I think he's been there. You think Jonah Ray would know about this? The name of it? The name of a sunken city? Yeah, it's a sunken city. It's within the Los Angeles County.

Apparently, it started sinking into the sand. Are you thinking of the La Brea tar pits? There it is. There it is. No, it's right on the ocean. When you say sunken city, is it a city of dinos? I mean, they do run the local grocery store there. Forgive me.

But other than that, it's a normal place. Forgive me. I said dinosaurs. I it's a normal place. Forgive me. I said dinosaurs. I don't want anyone to email me prehistoric mammals. Is that what... That is largely

what is found in the La Brea Tar Pits. There were some dinosaurs, but largely prehistoric mammals. Just like saber-toothed tigers and stuff like that. Saber-toothed tigers, giant sloths,

enormous giant sloths, like an eight, nine foot tall sloth. Are you kidding? Is that real? Yeah. Well, it's not real. It used to be real. No, but it's still real. I don't know.

Hey, time is an illusion. Semantic argument. Time is an illusion. We could go there right now. I'm excited about a nine foot sloth. That is the slowest animal, the slowest, scariest animal in the world. Do you hate Los Angeles yet? No.

Okay, here's what I'm going to warn you about. The sooner you hate Los Angeles, the sooner you can get through that year and a half and then start liking it. No, I already did it. So you should hurry up and hate it. Oh, no, I already hated it. Oh, you already went through that?

I already went through it. That was like six months. How long have you been here? Only like three and a half months. So you went through that in three and a half months and now you're like... Well, the thing is, the level of hatred I had for Los Angeles

before I moved here was so high. I feel like I burned it all off. I got here. I only had like one oil drum of hatred left. And I lit that on fire the moment I landed. Just like your reserve hatred light came on as soon as you landed. And it burned out pretty fast. Interesting.

So tell me some of the things that you like about living here on the West Coast. Wow. Look at what we're going to do. I've actually was doing this in my head today. I have to do it all the time. Pros, there are, even though we live in a suburb that pretends to be a city, there are like nature experiences to be had that are very beautiful and fun. Two, I get to go surfing all the time.

Bam. Are you a surfer? I am a surfer. I grew up in New Jersey surfing my whole life. Wow. And I surfed in New York City even during the winters for 14 years. I had misremembered you as being Midwestern because of your corn pone charm. That's what everybody thinks.

Everybody thinks that I'm from Ohio or something. You do have like a Gaffigan-esque quality. Oh, thank you very much. Jim Gaffigan-esque. That's what I was going for. I like that. Before I butchered it. Yeah.

It's called a Giflanic. Giflanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Giflanic quality. I was going to say you have a Kafka-esque quality. I'm just really confusing. A lot of lies. Dumb it down, Thorne.

Dumb it down. Listeners can't see you, but you're a talking cockroach. I do have eight arms. Yeah. Okay, so you like surfing. You went surfing in New Jersey. They have surfing in New Jersey. Anywhere they have an ocean, they pretty much have surfing.

I have seen surfing on some really sad little oceans. Some sad little oceans? The oceans themselves are standard size. Okay, but you see some sad surfing. But their expressions, their surf expressions are very sad. If you know where to go. You know, the ocean is a beautiful and complex woman. There's a lot of it out there, Wes.

And you have to know where to go and at what times. Okay, but let me ask you this. Uh-huh. Now you're in Southern California surfer's territory. Yeah. Don't you have problems with gangs of surf ruffians assaulting you, yelling locals only, and holding your head underwater and trying to murder you, which is an actual thing that happened when I was at UC Santa Cruz.

Yeah. Not to me. Obviously, I don't surf. That happened when I was at UC Santa Cruz. Yeah. Not to me. Obviously, I don't surf. The localism in Southern California has, for the most part, petered out.

There's still certain very localized breaks. But also, if you're respectful and know how to play the game, people won't bother you. Give me some guidelines for playing the game. You don't- Number one, you're trying to, you're trying to build resources. Different combinations of resources can be played. He's not playing, he's surfing, he's not playing Settlers of Catan. It's not Settlers of Catan. I mean, but we could break it down into Settlers of Catan vocabulary for you.

I'm going to be honest with you. I think a lot more people in our audience would understand a Settlers of Catan explanation than a surfing explanation. Well, I mean, it actually does apply because the main reason people get angry out in the water, because it's a super chill thing you're doing, you know, like you would not expect people to be angry doing this beautiful thing in nature, but it's a limited resource. And the waves are limited resource, one person per wave. You sometimes have 300 people trying for four waves every 10 minutes. And so that level of competition makes people angry. So the number one rule is don't drop in on someone.

So what happens? Is just whoever gets on it first? No, it's whoever is closest to the peak. And if that person also has been – if there's a – it also – there's a lot of rules. It's a lot of different things. Let's pretend that all of the waves break in one specific place. It's like a point break. So repeatedly there's a takeoff zone.

You know where the wave starts. You know where the wave ends. That means – So it's like a – you say it's like a point break? Who dropkicks the dog? I dropkick the dog. Okay. dog i drop kick the dog okay uh a point break would be uh like a uh a hard reef bottom uh where it's very consistent like a machine okay so you have you actually would wait in line uh and then

one person would take that wave and the next person next person if you cut someone off you would be and then drop in on or drop in on them meaning the person's already up and surfing the wave it's closest to the peak and you in, that would be probably where most fights start. Oh. Have you ever been in a surfing altercation? I have. Tell me about it. I have.

I've been in more than a few, but the best one was surfing Rockaway Beach in Queens. Mm-hmm. And it was wintertime, so we were wearing a big five mil wetsuit and seven mil gloves and booties and a big thing. That is a lot of mil if I'm understanding you correctly. It costs five million dollars each. It's a ton of mil. That's why nobody surfs in Jersey. Yeah.

To a certain extent, James Cameron. Yeah, James Cameron just drops in in a helicopter. Yeah, he literally drops right into the wave and then just gets picked up and flies away. Yeah, he literally drops right into the wave and then just gets picked up and flies away. And I had been surfing this old, old board from 1970. And it's about 12 feet long, very long. It's very thick and very heavy. It probably weighs about 50 pounds.

How did you end up with this board? Is this a desirable board? I love it. I like really old, weird boards. And so I kind of collect them. I can relate to that. I like really old, weird broads. There you go. Who doesn't?

Who doesn't like an old bird? Sure. I want to bring back. Oh, my God. This is a term I want to bring back. Speaking of birds is I want to wet my beak a little. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's bring that back. I pitch wet my beak once a week. Really? I pitch it in the room once a week just because I love that expression so much. Wet my beak is the best. Wet my beak a little bit. Oh, my God. I'd like to see what Zooey Deschanel could do with that.

Kill it. Murder it. Yep. Golden Globe. Sure. Wet my beak. Oh, yeah. G cubed.

Okay. So you're on Rockaway Beach in Queens. I'm riding this old board from the 1970s, but it's about 50 pounds. I have been surfing out there for a while. Again, remember, we have hoods on. So just like this little window of our eyes and our mouth. Do you mind if I imagine that you're also wearing a diving mask? Yes, please.

Okay. The cool way to surf is to wear a diving mask. I don't know. You'll see a lot of the pros do that. It's just a way to look cool. Like Tony Hawk, am I right? Uh-huh. You're right.

When he's skateboarding on those waves, he's always wearing a mask. He's like, aloha. Hang ten. Sure. And I've been waiting and waiting for a wave. And this guy cuts me off, essentially. So he's what is called snakes me for a wave. And this guy who – this guy cuts me off essentially. So he's what is called snakes me as a wave is coming in. And so he paddled and then he paddles right back out and cuts me in the lineup.

And I was just – I had been there for two hours and he just paddled out. And so I was pissed off. And so the next wave came in and I paddled around him and took off. And then he decided to drop in on me. And this board, once it gets going, there's essentially no stopping it. Like it's a 50-pound board and it's relatively difficult to maneuver. And he dropped in on me and partially because I was really mad and partially because there was a safety issue, I pushed him off of his board. So it's not – I guess it wasn't much of a safety issue, I pushed him off of his board. So I guess it wasn't much of a safety issue.

I was pissed off. So you guys are both standing on your surfboards surfing down this wave. Yes. Pardon me if I use the exact correct lingo. No, you really nailed it. But you're surfing down this wave. Sounds like I'm in a professional surf shop here. You're catching pizza.

Easy, Kelly Slater. And you, like, do you, like, pull up next to him? It's essentially exactly what happens. So he's a little higher. He would be a little higher on the wave, and I would be underneath him at that point. And I just kind of gave him a pushover of the back of the wave. And then his board came towards me and I grabbed his board, which is really violating a lot of etiquette. Did you take off with his board?

No, because he had a leash on it. So I was holding on to it. Yaggity sex. And then just hop on his board and continue surfing. That would be the cool thing to do. You got one foot on each board. And he's being drugged behind you. Yeah, exactly.

He's pulling his hair and going. So just make sure I'm following this. He has violated twice. No, really? Well, yeah, he snaked me first and then he dropped in on me. But you had cut him. But I cut him too. That was because he cut you.

Right. So there's a gray area here. Okay. And so he sees me just sn cut him. Right. But I cut him too. That was because he cut you. Yeah. Right. So there's a gray area here. Okay. And so he sees me just cut it, snaking him. He didn't pay any attention to what he had done before. So then the wave ends and he comes up and he's furious and I come up and I'm furious. And then like the first thing I did was to rip off my hood just so I could like see him because it seemed like all of a sudden we were going to fight and you guys are

still in the water. We're in the water, but we're probably in like waist deep water. Uh, and so I rip off my hood and then, and that just like, he was screaming at me and I'm screaming back at him. And of course the thing in Rockaway is like,

he's like, you do, can I curse? Yeah, sure. Do you fucking live here? You fucking live here. And that's like the big thing.

Like if you live in Rockaway, you're local. And I've been, I rented, I rent a bungalow. I've rented one there for 10 years. So I do know some people there. You got a fucking bungalow. And I got a bungalow. I mean, when I say bungalow, it sounds very nice. It's a little shack that has 10 boards and like a little bed, you know?

And I rent it with like nine other surfers. And so I'm like, I rent a bungalow. But that's – you can't say that tough. But then it looks like we're going to have an altercation and he immediately just all of a sudden backs down. And I don't understand what – and I'm like, I'm going to get out of here. But this dude was super – he just looked dangerous. He's like one of those rockaway locals who you're scared of. He's got weird, maybe a neck tattoo, that kind of thing.

And then later, I leave. I leave and I put my stuff away and I leave. But then I find out the whole story later is that he is on parole. And he's not allowed, like he can't get in trouble. And his wife and children were on the on the beach and that's why he immediately backed down because he saw he saw them watching us about to get into a fight and so he backed down and for him like his pride was really hurt so he just kept coming back like that night he came back the next day he came back and asking

all these people on the beach where's that dude I'm going to beat the shit out of him. And so for a while people in Rockaway were texting me just like, hey, man, maybe you should stay away for a little while. Because this dude, his name was Adam, I think. And there's two Adams. He was Tattoo Adam. And there was another Adam called Two Dog Adam. And he was Tattoo Adam, who was recently out of jail. You all shared a bungalow.

Yeah, no, I didn't share a bungalow with that guy. Okay. But yeah, so I almost like, for a while I was like, can I not go to my beach? I have to surf close Rockaway in the meantime. Nearby Rockaway. Nearby Rockaway. Have you ever done any adventure sports, Nick? You know, the closest I ever came to adventure sports is, I'm going to date myself a little bit.

The first, one of the first jobs I had out of college, I was working a lot of freelance TV production stuff. And I worked the first ever. Can I guess? Yeah. The Kennedy-Nixon debate. No. I'm not quite that old. The famous Kennedy-Nixon debate that televised.

I was covering Shirley Chisholm in 72. That's what I was doing. No, I worked the first X Games, but they were called the Extreme Games. They hadn't yet shortened them. They hadn't lost the tree. They hadn't figured it out yet. The big rock stars of the first X Games were the aggressive inline skaters. There was a period of time, like the mid-90s, when people were, like, really into rollerblading.

I had rollerblades. Rollerblading was the new skateboarding. Nobody was skateboarding anymore. Everyone was rollerblading, and these guys were doing the new thing. But they were doing the same types of shit. Like, they were all skating in the street and doing crazy tricks. The guy who hosted the television show that Jordan worked on for many years was a former professional rollerblader. I think we, yeah, I think we talked about that.

And he was, no one was allowed to bring that up. That was one of the rules on the show, was that you weren't allowed to allude to the fact that he had been, because now teenagers who are into extreme sports, it was an action sports television show. Yeah. Teenagers who are into extreme sports, it was an action sports television show. Teenagers who are into extreme sports, you're also not allowed to call them extreme sports. You have to call them action sports. Teenagers who are into

action sports now just think that Rollerblades are so gay that they would turn off the show if they knew that he had a past association with Rollerblades. It got uncool faster than Ja Rule. It went cool to uncool. But it was like when we did that and we worked on that first Extreme Games, it was such a big deal.

And I remember looking around like a year and a half later and it was just like you said. Nobody even wanted to admit that they used to do it. Not only they didn't do it anymore, but they didn't even want to talk about the fact that they used to do it. they didn't do it anymore but they didn't even want to talk about the fact that they used to do it and now it's like you see one guy in like tights and like a choker going down Sam and Sente on rollerblades like a year

and no that's all you see you know what I was shocked to find out that's become like the new rollerblades on like half pipes and stuff razor scooters no I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you.

That's not true. I'm 100% in New York City. I was in New York City. I was at Owlhead Park. There's a skate park there. Not a single skateboarder. All Razor scooters and all doing weird, crazy tricks on Razor scooters. Was it like entertaining?

Were they good or was it just weird? They were catching air and flipping it around. I mean, when I look at it, was it like, entertaining? Did it, was it, were they good? Or was it just weird? They were doing, they were catching air and like flipping it around. I mean, when I look at it, I'm like, stupid,

dumb. Yeah, yeah. Cause I, you know, I like, I like watching people skateboard. Right.

That's cooler. That's the hardest thing. That's the hardest thing. But, to be fair, looking at someone's skateboard, if you don't have a previous emotional attachment

to that activity. You're just like, why do they keep doing that and fucking it up over and over and over? Because if they didn't fuck it up, it would still not be impressive. You have to know how very difficult it is to do what they're doing. You have to have an intimate knowledge of it. Yeah. It is the best skateboarders in the world in the x games the ones that do tricks in a half pipe or whatever yeah like they'll do 10 minutes of skateboarding and of

the 10 minutes of skateboarding one thing they do looks cool but do you feel the same way about snowboarding snowboarding is a little better because it's faster. It's so high, yeah. The one where they shoot down the thing and then they do the tricks on the sides of the thing. Yeah, half pipe. That's a little better. Do you find that? That's interesting that you find that more interesting.

I think it's because skateboard guys are really into grinding. Yeah. Which is boring to look at. Yeah, sliding. Technically unimpressive. It's this weird thing where the most difficult thing to do in the sport is the least interesting to watch. Yeah, I want to see somebody do a flip. That's all I want to see is somebody doing a flip.

That's all I want to see. At the end of the day, if you've got a little thing with wheels underneath you, I just want to see you do a flip. If you got a little thing with wheels underneath you, I just want to see you do a flip. I live near Fairfax, so I'm predisposed to hating anybody with a skateboard. This is Los Angeles' epicenter of streetwear, skateboarder. So many shitty t-shirt shops. This is the home of the streetwear brand Supreme's store in Los Angeles, which is an epicenter of- Used to be Huff. Used to be there.

And now they've closed. Yeah. Like all these guys. And also observant Jews. Those two things. Who don't skateboard. So it's like- Great mix.

It's like African-American teenage skateboarders and guys you know, guys with four locks. Well, let's talk about that for a second because for a really long time, black kids didn't skate. No, I mean – All of a sudden, like, happened maybe 10 years ago? Yeah. I think it's amazing because I grew up – I grew up, like, on the East Coast. I grew up in North Carolina, and I knew about skateboarding, and I saw the magazines, but I was just never into it. And it is – on the one hand, I'm sort of – I feel like a proud grandpa that these kids can just do whatever they want.

And there's no stigma like you're doing a white boy thing. Yeah. But I just want them to not do it in front of my apartment when my daughter's trying to sleep. Well, I'll tell you. Yeah. Like from from my experience growing up in an in in a neighborhood that was predominantly nonwhite in the city and then going to school in the suburbs with white kids. I 1,000 percent thought skateboards was a white people thing. Yeah. For some reason it was. It was. It absolutely was.

No one in my neighborhood skateboarded at all. And I thought skateboarding was the dumbest thing in the history of the world. And the only people that I knew that skateboarded lived all. And I thought skateboarding was the dumbest thing in the history of the world. And the only people, the only people that I knew that skateboarded lived in the suburbs. And that's totally fascinating too, because skateboarding as like a thing to do is so set up for an urban experience. Like you want all of those little cool little places to go skate at. And it's kind of cool that I think that it's kind of taken off. I think it's because it's so, it's so boring and hard to learn how to do that it's really well-suited to children that have nothing to do.

It's like playing the oboe. You have to be the best oboe player in the world before anyone's like, wow, that's some good oboeing. No amateur oboe is going to pick up and do-ba-do-ba-do. Oh, hey, this guy's pretty good. You have to get really good at the oboe. I still remember when the Neptunes were really hitting hard. You know, like in the years between Super Thug and Grinding.

Jesse's wearing a crochet tie while he talks about the Neptunes. I just want everyone to know. To be fair, it's a cable knit tie. It's a cable knit tie. That makes it better or worse. And suspenders, and he's talking about the neptunes but like i don't rate box i remember when i remember when like a pharrell was the first famous black person i know who was who was publicly into skateboarding and when they would like wear skate shoes and like walk around with skateboards it was such a profound disc like my 18 year old 17 year old brain could not manage that and he's like who are these people and they're like slightly

older black rap fans like the wu-tang era guys were sort of like like uh disapproving grandparents like i don't know about this what are you doing for real yeah Yeah, I still feel like the thing that my son could do to put the biggest generational gap between me and him is skateboard. Is skateboard really? Yeah, like I mean, you know, I would also say go to the mall. But like that is to me in my mind, those are the same activity. In Los Angeles, he's going to go to the mall. I know. He's going to grove it up.

He's going to grove it up real nice. People go to the mall. I know. He's gonna grove it up. He's gonna grove it up real nice. People go to the mall here constantly. I live within a stone's throw of the grove, and I have such a love hate relationship with that place. Tell me about the love of the mall. Well, I don't love the mall. I love the fact that there's an Apple store there, there's a movie

theater there, there's like, you know, it's like things that you do. Convenience. Convenient, and it's right next to the farmer's market, which is just kind of great, but the grove is like people pose for photographs, like groups. It's the fucking mall. Like you're at the mall. You're not at the basilica. You're not at like it's the mall.

But you know what? That is what I think Los Angeles does very well is that it represents America like in a really forced in thing. It's different from any other big city in the United States and that it's like super just like America. That's what I grew up going to the mall. Like that's what America is. We go to malls. And it's also an outside mall which blows people's mind.

I didn't know it was outside. Jesus Christ. It's open air. And then there's a trolley. Now I'm turning my chin around. There's a trolley at the Grove which travels. I'm going to say 300 feet, maybe. Yeah.

Maybe 300 feet. It's utterly perplexing. And it's ringing a bell. It's like, get out of the way. And the person has an outfit and a hat. And you're just like, I can see the ending point of the trolley. Like, why am I? It's a lot like, if I were to compare it to anything, it would be the trolley in Mickey's Toontown that's piloted by Roger Rabbit.

Like, that is the scale and level of purposeness of this trolley. Next stop, American Girl Doll. Like, it's the weirdest thing in the world. So then tell me. So both of you, I want your recommendation for me as a person new to Los Angeles. Something that I need to do that will surprise and change my idea of Los Angeles. Oh, well, mine is easy. Nick, I don't know if you have something, but I've talked about it on this show before. Drowned a kid. Get a kid. Drowned him in a before. You're just going to say, drown a kid. Get a kid, drown him in a park.

You're going to love it. It will change your, especially your sexual responses in ways that you would never have expected. Yeah, like I have, it is like I can have an orgasm just from someone drawing a circle on my palm since I murdered that child. Man, things really turned around for you. It used to be so hard. Once he built the rape box. Yeah, I used to have a really hard time achieving my destiny.

You know that, Kurt. You remember. I remember. So the place that I would recommend above all else in Los Angeles that you visit is the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I've heard about this place. Yeah, this is a museum.

It is like a- It explains how they made the Jurassic Five albums. Yes. In great detail. Exactly. What it does. It's run by cut chemists. Charlie Tuna shows up like every Thursday from four to six.

It's funded by a group of former fraternity brothers wearing backwards baseball caps. or fraternity brothers wearing backwards baseball caps. It is like a combination museum and art project that is in a storefront in Culver City, which is a wholly unremarkable place. Like it is the most, there are some, actually some other good things in Culver City. There's sort of like an art scene in Culver City,

but it is a, there's a lot of galleries in Culver City, but it is a, there's a lot of galleries in Culver City, but it is- Good restaurants. But it is a nothing of a place. The New York Times

has been trying to tell the world that Culver City is the next hip destination in Los Angeles for about eight years. Yeah. And it's just not going to fucking happen.

I wish they would knock it off. Because it's so pathetic. Like it is such a jokey place. So manufactured. I'm so happy to hear that because people keep telling me, oh, it's pretty hip.

And I'm like, I've been there once. I feel like that's not true. Culver City is the new Eagle Rock. People have been saying Eagle Rock is going to be hip since I moved here. Go fuck yourself. It's not. So here's outside of Nick's very passionate feelings about various neighborhoods in Southern California. It is a storefront museum.

It has a tea room above it, but it is a storefront museum that's based around essentially the museums of the 19th century, which is to say kind of the museums just when museums were starting to exist as a public thing, when knowledge was only then being starting to become categorized, when a museum was just a collection of things. And part of what goes on inside this museum is it's very dark. It's very beautiful. There's lots of little tiny things. And many of the things are completely fictional. Some of them are not fictional. Some of them are semi-fictional. There's no distinction between which of these are fictional, which of these are semi-fictional, which of these are non-fictional or real.

And it's completely magical and beautiful. And it's – I mean it's very small. It's literally in a storefront. So there's a dozen exhibits, a dozen very small exhibits. Each with its own little room. It kind of stretches back into this building. And it's one of the most amazing things in the world i would say oh and it's just i mean in classic los angeles fashion is just on a you know in a storefront on a six lane city street

in downtown culver city is it in downtown probably so i City. I couldn't tell you which part of Culver City is downtown Culver City, so probably yes. It's the fakest part of Culver City is downtown. Have you been to the Hollywood Bowl yet? I have not. The Hollywood Bowl is one of the most overhyped things, I think, about Los Angeles. But then you actually go and you go, oh shit, this is awesome. And you can go and bring food and wine. Yeah, you can bring food and wine.

And there's really cheap seats. You can just sit on a bench and just do your thing. Or you can get a box and do it nicer. But it's like if you just, let's say you don't have anything to do this weekend, spend $10 and get the nosebleed seats. Go see the Moody Blues. Yeah. Or reggae, Sunsplash or whatever. Maybe Al Jarreau is going to be there. Who knows? Probablyash or whatever. Maybe Al Jarreau is going to be there.

Who knows? Probably Al Jarreau. Al Jarreau is kind of always there. Yeah. He lives there. He lives there. But it's like one of those things where someone talks to you about it in a city for a long time. You're like, I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. And then you do it. You're like, I'm an asshole. I haven't been doing this every summer since I moved here. You know what I like to do there is I'll get those $10 nosebleed seats for a Moody Blues show, whatever. The second Moody Blues reference.

Really pushing the Moody Blues. You're really pushing it. I'll take a seat on that bench, put my finger on my palm, and start drawing a circle. And I have a blast every time I go out there. You're a unique individual. Bring a double cream brie. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? Why don't we go for a triple cream? Sure. I'll triple it up. Well, easy. Easy. Yeah. I think you're going to like Los Angeles.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, There's a yoga place across the street from my house. And the only reason I go is because it's across the street from my house, guys. And I love it. I love it. I'm not going to lie to you. There's a little, there's like a Mexican family across the street from my house. I don't go over there and bother them.

Just roll up your mat and walk in. But what if they said, what if they said, come on over, bother us. You could pay us $19 and you can bother us. You know what? You could. But if they said, come on over, bother us, you could pay us $19 and you can bother us. You know what? There is literally a yoga studio below my house because my downstairs neighbor operates a yoga studio out of her apartment. Look, this is what I think is fascinating about yoga is that I can't do it. I am incredibly – I'm a really tall person. Right.

You're a big, powerful man. Tall people, not very powerful. Tall people have a tough time. And that's my thing. Tall people have a tough time. And I got a big old belly. You almost took it to neck tattoo Adam. Give yourself a little credit.

No, if I had taken it to neck tattoo Adam, I would have gotten my ass kicked. Like, there's no question about that. But he'd be back in prison, so it would be worth it. Oh, yeah. But I go to yoga just so everybody else has a guy there who's just making these noises constantly. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Are you—this is something I've talked about with Jordan, who's taken up yoga recently. something I've talked about with Jordan who's taken up yoga recently are you uncomfortable with the fact that you are going to look horrible in front of fit women so many fit women and exceptionally fit gay dudes yeah oh really fit gay dudes uh I'm no I'm not uncomfortable because I think my job is to kind of just look uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable, but to kind of look like a dork in front of lots of people.

Your job in the class or your profession? No, my profession. Right, sure. And so people laughing at me, I don't have a problem with, you know. Okay. So, yeah, I'm just, but I am so bad at it. Can you touch your toes? No.

Not even close. I haven't come close to touching my toes since I was eight years old. I've never been able to touch my toes. Really? Ever, ever, ever. I have been accused of being a malingerer for being – my whole school years, people would be like, what do you mean you can't touch your toes? I can't touch my toes. Look at them.

They're far away. This is as far as I can go. Who's expecting that out of straight men in 2013? Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was in charge of the Presidential Fitness Awards. That guy's ridiculous. Wait. Wait. Now?

You're still doing Presidential Fitness Awards? What's your shuttle run time, Mike? What's your shuttle run time? That's my flexed arm. Four pull-ups. Have you ever done yoga before? I've done yoga on video a couple of times, but we have yoga Fridays at work. A woman comes and the writing staff takes some time out, lunchtime, and does yoga.

Wait a minute. Hold on. Your job is you're a writer on a television sitcom. Yeah. I think we mentioned New Girl on Fox. Yeah. A very funny television sitcom. Thank you.

Tuesday the 9th. As I understand it, people who work on television sitcoms just eat like fried chicken all day. Well, because there's a machine. There's a fried chicken machine. Fried chicken machine. In every room fried chicken machine in every room. It's in your contract. It's called a fry daddy. No, I think it grew out of that because we spent so much time eating so horribly

and drinking soda and chips and snacking. Everyone started to feel like shit and we'd do cleanses together and then at some point they were like, we should have yoga. You did cleanses with your classes. We did a three-day cleanse. Who are you, Nick Adams? It was as if we were fasting for a year. That's how people reacted to a three-day juice cleanse.

That's what you have to do at juice cleanse when you come to L.A. I know. I'd hand you juices at the airport. I've already gone to a place and people are like, there's a juice cleanse place near my house. And I was like, I don't even know what this is

or what it will do. I don't think you've done a juice cleanse until you've had people deliver the juice for the juice cleanse to your house. Yeah.

That's how a fucking Angeleno does it. But you know what? But it is true. It's that weird thing of like, when you are like eating shitty and drinking it and you have to produce things with your mind, it becomes more difficult after a time. It's true. It is like that discipline of writing kind of includes being a little bit healthy.

And I mean, what happens with us if we order lunch and they pay for it and if we stay late, it's like, okay, we're going to order dinner too. And often I won't eat dinner and people will be like, okay, we're going to order dinner too. And often I won't eat dinner. And people will be like, why aren't you eating? Because I'm not hungry and neither are you. You're eating out of fucking spite. Because in your mind, you're like, you're going to fucking keep me late? Well, guess what?

I'm having a brisket. Well, you don't need that. You ate a huge thing for lunch. You've been eating chips and cookies and everything all day. Now you're just spite eating. Who's the worst? Who's the worst on staff? Zoe Deschanel. Oh, you should just watch her shovel it in.

No, I mean, we're all awful. We all have our vices. But the way that I try not to overeat is by not ordering lunch. Because it's like on top of, you know, you come in, you eat breakfast, then you order lunch as soon as you get there, and then you're eating shit all day. And then at the end of the night, they're like, hey, guess what? We're having dinner.

I'm like, I'm not eating that because I'm going to go 20 seconds after I finish dinner. It's like, ugh. And then, hey, now be funny. And everyone was just like, I can't do it. I have a really hard time imagining someone offering to bring me brisket and me declining. That's the toughest part. That's the toughest part. Every time people offer me free brisket, I say yes.

Oh, man alive. Brisket. Oh, God. I love brisket. Is there good? Smoke it. Where's a good barbecue? Good barbecue?

There's a place. The American South. No, no. There's a place. I can't remember the name of it. We're technically South. There's a place. We're not talking about restaurant recommendations that apply to literally 3% of our audience.

It's one thing to talk about amazing local landmarks and describe them for people that might want to visit. We're not going to. Could I get directions on how to get home? These people are going to come here, go to the Grove, and go eat at Baby Blues, and the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce is going to cut you a check, Thorne. You don't want that? Jesse is so depressed right now. His face is falling.

I would say 60% of the negative reviews of this show on iTunes include a complaint about talking about restaurants in Los Angeles. Are you kidding me? Not at all. That's on you. That is on you, Jesse. No, I mean, fuck that. No, I'm trying to head it off with a pass here. L.A. is a global city.

It's a global city. It's a foodie's destination. Because there's Japanese restaurants here, Japanese people should be able to relate to this podcast. Yes, absolutely. Come and sample and see how we've perverted and twisted your culinary culture. And then go to the Jurassic Park Museum. The real sadness.

See Samuel L. Jackson's arm. The real sadness is that you've moved to Los Angeles just as we have lost one of our greatest heroes, Huell Hauser. I know. Who passed on. That's so sad. I had the chance to meet Huell Hauser. Was he as excited in real life as he is on television? Yes.

He was 1,000 percent real. And for folks who don't know, I mean, he's been at this point between Dana Gould's impression of him and James Adomian's impression of him, both of which are tremendous. And him appearing, I think, as himself on The Simpsons or maybe Dana played him on The Simpsons. He's a reasonably well-known figure nationally, but a local treasure here in Southern California. I also used to do a Huell Hauser impression for my family and friends. And thanks for telling me that those two guys are doing it. So now I can retire mine forever. Oh, did you also do a Jack Nicholson impression?

Come on. And a Christopher Walken. A Jimmy Stewart? Yeah. So Huell Hauser, for anyone who doesn't know, hosted a local television program. Oh, now it's okay to be local. Continue. Oh, now it's okay to be local. Continue.

That ran outside of the area. But where he visited attractions and attraction, it's a certain point he started. A very wide definition. Yes. I mean, just a farm would be a good example. The sort of like you're on vacation with your father and he's like, hey, let's stop there. And you're like, please, God, no, let's don't stop there. He stopped there. Everything from Hearst Castle to just, hey, let's stop there. And you're like, please, God, no, let's don't stop there. He stopped there. Everything from Hearst Castle to just, yeah, just a farm. And what's remarkable about this television program is two things.

One, it did not appear to utilize a second camera or editing, which is to say that there will be stretches. I watched an episode where he went up to the top of Runyon Canyon, a famous canyon here in Los Angeles that is famous for, you know, douchey actor types exercising on it. And he went up there and I think there was a shot that lasted 10 or 12 minutes. And that's not hyperbole. That's honest truth. And so that's one thing, is that he would direct his cameraman to do things while on camera and leave it in the show.

You know, like, come on! And the other thing about it is that it's a really good show. And he didn't seem to have any snark or irony or judgment in his body whatsoever and it's the level of enthusiasm is like that that it was the sun shining shocked and amazed that man every morning when he woke up and in from you know i i only i talked to him a couple of times i talked to him at i basically what happened is when we when Adam Lissagor and I made the first episode of Put This On, we had a premiere party in Pasadena.

And I wrote on Twitter, hey, you know, what local celebrities should I invite to our premiere party? And someone said, you should invite Huell Hauser. And I was like, ha ha ha. And I was like, you know what? I should invite Huell Hauser. Like, this isn't that wildly different from what Huell Hauser does. He might actually be interested in seeing this. So I just sent an email to the address on his website.

And the day of the thing, he said, what time should I come by? And I'm like, whenever you want, Huell. We got a beer waiting for you. It'll be great to meet you. And he came. That's great. And seriously- Pick up some $400 jeans, H hugh hauser and get out of here

you know there's there's 40 people there's 40 people at this party you know something like that all enjoying a nice free beer and we got a dj playing uh popular rap tunes of the day and uh hugh hauser walks in i swear to god it was like a scene in, uh, you know, in like a, in like an animal house knockoff movie or something just, you know, everyone's head turns and then just people just started going, he was like a God. People cheered him. Yes. They literally cheered him and he did not, I mean, he didn't have a second for the whole thing, but he was so, you know, he's just there in And they went to a secret police officer cafe inside of police headquarters, like underneath police headquarters.

What? Like a diner that's only for police officers. But Huell Hauser's allowed there because he's Huell Hauser. Because he's Huell Hauser. And everyone there knew him. He knew everybody. They knew what he wanted. He talked to Adam about film production because he was the boss of his whole operation.

He owned and ran the whole thing. And I ended up talking with him about that on the phone. He wanted to know more about podcasting and they were about to start podcasting. And he wanted to learn about what our production system was for Put This On and how we paid for it and how it looked so nice and et cetera, et cetera. I had some really nice conversations with him, and I actually was working with him to try and find a time for him to come on Bullseye before it turned out sadly that he passed on. But now like my most treasured possession is my answering machine that's right out here

that has a message from Huel. Hi, it's Huel Hauser. Hi, Jesse. I'm returning your email. Get a shot of these rutabagas over here. These are the biggest rutabagas I've ever seen. Hi, Jesse.

It's Huel. And I actually, you know, like not two weeks ago, I was in New York in Long Island City recording an episode of Judge John Hodgman of all places. And I walked out of this club slash cafe where we did the recording. Yes. And there's James Adomian standing there. And I ended up having a conversation with James about Huel Hauser. I was like, you know, I've been talking with Huell about having him come on Bullseye. And James had met Huell by phone once.

Just one day he just got a call from Huell Hauser and Huell Hauser said, hey, I hear you've been making fun of me on the Internet. And and we just talked about we just talked about what an amazing man Huell Hauser was and just how much joy he had given the world and like how and how we just wished we could, you know, summon within ourselves the appreciation of, you know, the wonderful things about life that Huell Hauser had. And and it was nice. I mean, you know, I was very sad when when he died and I was you know not not only i mean i was i would was really looking forward to having him on the show too but having had that conversation with james about about him and just having had some time to kind of like it was like having a wake or something but it happened before he died yeah um and it felt it felt it i was i was somehow more ready for it when it happened even though no one expected it he was only in his i think in his late 50s early 60s um but a totally amazing man and one of the really great things about southern

california definitely a guy who a guy who had an absolutely unparalleled appreciation for, as you said, the sun coming up every morning. Just imagine someone saying, here's what I want to do. I want to do a show where we just travel around and find random things that I think are kind of sweet and awesome. And we're going to film it. It's not always going to be earth shattering. But I'm going to get a kick out of it. Rarely will it be earth shattering. The earth shattering thing is how excited he is about just maybe like some dirt.

I saw one where he was at a goat farm and he said, now is that a goat? That's amazing. It wasn't one of the stiff-legged fainting goats. It was just a regular goat. It was a standard goat. It's just. It wasn't one of the stiff-legged, feigning goats. It was just a regular goat. It was a standard goat. It's just a standard goat. So, will he really eat anything? And just what a wonderful thing.

And I think probably, I'm maybe speaking out of school here, but for James, who's gay, I'm maybe speaking out of school here, but for James, who's gay, just the idea of a gay guy – and when I say gay guy, I don't mean to be rude because I don't think that Huell was out of the closet, but I think it's safe been in the service and because he grew up in the South, he just came from another man and so part of what – from another world and so part of what he represented. Well, he also came from another man. Yeah. He did. things that was so amazing about him is that he had that Southern California thing of like coming from something just completely different, just a thousand percent different and just making a world for himself. You know what I mean? And it's in a secret world even is kind of a Southern California.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, to be able to make your, to, to compartmentalize your world because everything is 10 miles from everything else. You know, you're not going make your, to compartmentalize your world because everything is 10 miles from where we've been. You know, you're not going to run into somebody at the butcher. Although, I have to say, like, I run, I, like, I see people that I know and run into people all the time. And it shocks me every time it happens because it's such a massive, sprawling city. But I see people all, I run into people in this town all the time.

It's the biggest little city in America how about that? suck on that Houston try that one on for size is that Reno? is the littlest big city in America? I don't know Reno is one of those

I can't remember if it's biggest little or littlest big Reno is the saddest gambliest city in America the saddest gambliest city in Nevada no not Nevada there's a sad, gambliest city in America. The saddest, gambliest city in Nevada. No, not Nevada. There's a sadder, gamblier, okay, in America. How about that? We'll be back in just a second. I'll join Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. Sitting in. Kurt Braunohler. In the corner. We're all technically in corners. We are. Don't elevate your station.

As we sit in our four-cornered room. I'm really good at being specific. Jordan and Jesse, Rob Campbell here. You may remember me as the Max Funster that sent you a Chud shirt. Well, I'm back with more junk. So. All right. All right.

First of all, Rob, easy. He's just doing a lot. He's doing a lot. Coming right out of the box. Rob. Sorry. Rob, you're doing too lot. He's doing a lot. Coming right out of the box. Rob. Sorry. Rob, you're doing too much. You're doing too much.

But I like Jesse's reading voice. It's very exciting. Yeah, well, I got a sunny disposition just like our producer, Sunny D. Sunny D. Sunny D. That's a nickname we came up with for Brian Fernandez right before the show started. Scott's staying power. I like it.

I don't know what sizes you guys are, and I imagine Jesse doesn't wear many tees. But here you are. I wear three or four at a time. Give one to Karen Colgariff, who's not here anymore, by the way. Give one to Drew. That was last week. Give one to Jordan's cat, what's his face? Jordan's cat's name is Bug.

Give one to Goodwill or tell me your t-shirt size and I'll send you more free stuff. Get a load of these. See, I'm so happy. I'm so happy, Kurt, that you're a size extra large. Oh yeah. Not for long. Because two of these shirts are size extra large

as well. Yes. Take a look at that t-shirt. It says, Imm power, colon, plug it in. Yeah, that's our slogan for 2013. And it's really shiny. This is a great present. That's like a sweet metal logo. Yeah. You're all set for the next OK Go video.

Perfect. Yes, I need to get set. Brian, you probably wear a large, right? You get an extra large. Take this extra large, OK? There's a large here with actually our listener Concrete Tales suggested the slogan that inspired our slogan, Immortal Power, plug it in, which is 2013 Quiet Desperation, which is a slogan that acknowledges our own mortality and our powerlessness in the face of it. And Rob was nice enough to send a Quiet Desperation T-shirt with the whole paragraph.

There's an explanation that goes, maybe in 2013 we should shed the facade, you know, the facade that we aren't all living in near constant, often subconscious, but almost ever-present fear of our own mortality. We might shout out more powerful than ever, that was last year's slogan, in futility against the inevitability and somehow manage to put on a brave face. We might find brief fleeting moments of joy. Nonetheless, the wash of despair that eventually all we love will be gone from the earth cannot be held back. 2013, quiet desperation. You want to hear my tagline for this year? Yeah, spit it. Craisins, dial it back a bit.

Craisins, dial it back a bit. Yeah, this is the year that I get craisins to dial it back. So this isn't a metaphor because ours are usually a metaphor for sort of a larger. No, mine's like my yours is about it's a literal it's my purpose for the year actual craisins

it's like a mission statement it's a mission statement thank you very much it's my action sentence kind of difficult because craisins the whole purpose for craisins

is dialing it up I know they I mean it's right they provide a powerful flavor blast they've dialed it up a little too much do you think

they're too sweet I think it's time for them to get out of savory dishes. Now, I'm right here with you on that one. Thank you very much. I'm looking at you, salads. I'm looking at you, chicken dishes. Yeah.

Get your craisins out. Get those craisins. I'm going to make a pass for salads. I might accept craisins in salads. I will absolutely not accept them in chicken dishes. You know what, raisins? Get the fuck out of there too. Just because you're old school doesn't mean you

get a pass on this one. And also, the word craisins suggests that they're somehow like the crazier raisin. And fuck you, craisins. You are pedestrian. It's like false advertising. It's like insane clown posse. You're just two white dudes with face paint.

You're not insane. Yeah. You don't have a, well, you kind of do have a posse. They do. They have a very large posse. But they actually might be insane, technically.

They might be, you're right. Yeah, yeah. But on like a real, like where they have mental issues. Not a fun insane. Not a fun. Like don't want to bring those guys to a party.

Yeah. I'm a size large, Rob, and Jordan is a size medium. So get your fucking act together. Come on now. If only there was a way to find out what our t-shirt sizes were when you were sending us t-shirts. If only there was someone you could ask. Like us. Yeah.

Karen Kilgareff will wear that small, and she's hiking in Runyon Canyon. It'll be great. Yeah. Hopefully so. Perfect. We'll be great. Yeah, hopefully so. Perfect. We'll have to get her address. I can bring it to her. She's not here right now.

I can bring it to her. Are you going to go see her in Kilgareff? I see her once every two weeks. Great. Done. Here. Bring that to Karen. All right.

She's one of the best ladies. I think we can all agree on that. She's a tremendous, tremendous young woman. She's the best. Let's take some calls. Brian? Jordan and Jesse, I just walked out of the staff meeting where they announced my promotion and my new title, which includes the word director. Yeah.

Immortal power. Plug it in. He knows the fucking slogan. Oh, yeah. He's on board for this. You're making dead eye contact with me, like, just because I didn't know the slogan before. Thanks, Paul Thomas Anderson, for calling in. Oh, PTA, always calling in.

That would make a good thing in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. Do you think we could, maybe like the last four hours of The Master, they could slide that in somewhere? If somebody knows Paul Thomas Anderson, tell him to have his people give me a call. Also tell him, you know, snip snip every now and then. You're not fucking going to win every time. Yeah. Just trim it down. But all I'm saying is I think if we're going to license this slogan to anybody, Paul Thomas Anderson's our man.

Oh, yeah. Right? Don't you think that he could make the film, he could convey through the medium of cinema the powerful, passionate metaphor that is immortal power? Plug it in. Are you kidding? If he can't do it, nobody can. Right. Maybe Tyler Perry. Possibly Tyler Perry.

Possibly Tyler Perry. Well, the thing is, regardless if you want him to, he's going to do it. If Tyler Perry had a fat enough suit, he could. He's going to do it. If Tyler Perry had a fat enough suit, he would have Seacrest. There's like a board Tyler Perry has where it's just like different words and he just throws a – Well, instead of a board, there is a very fit, oily black man. And he throws concepts at that guy. And whatever sticks to that guy's abs gets made into a movie.

Yeah, he has like little word magnets he just throws at his chest. Scratch Tyler Perry off the bullseye guess for 2013. You know what Tyler Perry could do to get in my good graces? He could show up for something. The Golden Globes would probably be the

most likely. He probably doesn't get invited to the Oscars. I'm going to guess no. The Golden Globes would probably be the most likely. He probably doesn't get invited to the Oscars. I'm going to guess no. But, you know, the Golden Globes or what have you. Image awards. With, no. Not big enough? Not big enough.

Okay. I want something with maximum impact. Right. Because he's going to show up with three dudes. Just gorgeous fucking cut dudes. Wearing only bow ties. Yeah. Or no. Fucking cut dudes. Wearing only bow ties. Yeah, fuck. Or no, how about this?

They're wearing tuxedos but not shirts. So they have all the parts of the tuxedo except the shirt and they're fucking ripped. And instead of ties, they just are wearing leashes.

No one's holding the leashes but they're hanging down to the ground. Just trailing. These dudes, these dudes are like full-on oily dynamos. You know what I'm talking about?

These guys, like boners will be popping in the audience just as he and his boys walk past. Yeah, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. This will be straight dudes boners erecting in honor of how hot the dudes that Tyler's there. Against their will. Against their will. And there's three of them. No, they want to be there. No, I mean the straight dudes boners.

Yeah, they don't have any control. The oily dudes are there. They want to be there. Of their own volition. They're there for a good time. Literally fully on board. This isn't weird. Yeah.

Yeah, they want to meet Hillary Swank. Those oily dudes. Okay, let's take another call. Hi, I and Jesse Go. This is Alan calling from Savannah, Georgia. I was just on my way home from work when I saw the most beautiful bald eagle fly and land on a telephone pole. The awesomest thing about it was right next to that beautiful bald eagle was a pelican. Sixty feet in the air, a bald eagle and a pelican just hanging out.

I don't live on the ocean. I live about 15 miles inland, and I live next to a little bit of a swamp. So I guess there's some fish in there. They're both a bald eagle and a pelican think are delicious. Love you, boys. Have a good day. Hey, I love you too, buddy. That is a great call. Now, what's that

interaction like? A bald eagle and a pelican, are they like enemies, or do they just sort of acknowledge each other quietly like a nod? The pelican is kind of, he's more like a bro. He's down at the docks, and the bald eagle's a little bit of an asshole. He's a little

bit aloof. Can I suggest something to you guys, though? Two words, unlikely friendship. Oh, yeah. These guys are like, these guys are the best of friends. They're thick as thieves. You don't expect it. Pelican, you left your fish all over the place again. Oh, bald eagle, you're so uptight.

Pelican and eagle. Pelican and bald eagle. One episode's just about having feet. Webbed feet. Webbed feet. Webbed feet and claws. Webbed feet versus claws. Yeah, because the pelican is like, I want claws.

And then the eagle's like, I want webbed feet. And then they realize, oh, no, I'm perfect the way I am. Yeah, but for one episode, they make it so that he has claws and the other one has a mitten on. Can I tell you something that happens? The bald eagle goes to the fridge and he's like, where's that six pack I left in here? And then the pelican opens up his beak and there's a six pack inside his voice. It's full of ice there. Yeah, it's full of ice.

Oh, no, that's right. That goes in the opening montage. That goes in the opening montage. And they just, yeah, they're just sitting on the couch together. It just reaches over and pops one off out of his mouth. Oh, I love it. Showtime, if you're listening. Shameless, come on.

I think we could pitch that tomorrow. Yeah. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guests. A little moment, this occasion for you guys over this last couple months. My mom survived her second bout with stage 4 ovarian

cancer. My girlfriend and I of four years got back together and are stronger than ever and just listened to the newest JJ Go and it's friggin' awesome. So thanks a lot guys. Immortal Power. Plug it in.

A celebratory message. You know what they call that? The big three. Yeah. Immortal Power. Plug it in. A celebratory message. You know what they call that? The big three. Yeah. Mom survives cancer. Get back together with girlfriend and fall back in love. Listen to a kick-ass Jordan Jesse call. Two things about that call.

I'm just going to make it impossible for them to make fun of me because I'm going to come out with my mom surviving cancer. You can't do a damn thing after that. Well played played well played and that's just a shield yeah it's like ah what are you gonna do now and then it's like and i'm running out of shit but i'm gonna throw them a bone and put jordan jesse co on a level with me and my girl and my mom yeah this guy that's how you play the game that's how you call in he folks. He knows the rules of the game, not unlike a Kurt Brown-holer. This guy knows you don't cut in, you're open with the cancer. You don't snake anybody.

Always lead with cancer. We have one more call, Brian Fernandez. One more call. Okay, let's listen to it. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, possible guest. This is Kevin from Palo Alto.

Preemptive, no pigment of the pants on this one. This is in response to Jesse's fish truck story and his realization that they exist. I found out they existed when I was nine, when I was fishing with my grandfather and my father in Northern Maine on Lake Pleasant, which is a stock lake. And so once a year they have a truck come by and stock it with salmon and trout. And this one year, the guy who was doing this apparently had mechanical issues with the truck and started spooning the salmon and trout into buckets and transporting them. And despite that, thought it was going too slow and allowed us to carry them by hand into the lake, like 20 feet, wriggling fish in our hands. Even better, a couple days later,

the fire department decided that they were going to test their water cannons, whatever they're called, off the lake, and so they started sucking in water from where these fish had been deposited and shooting the water out, which created giant fish cannons,

and it was glorious. More powerful than ever. Oh, my God. That's a real thing, though? Like they truck in fish? I didn't know that. Last week, here at the office, we got to see the fish truck dumping fish into the lake right outside our window.

They put fish in there? Yeah. Otherwise, where are the eight-year-old Filipino children going to go fishing? Yeah. Where? Where? Not in historic Filipino town, I'll tell you that much. No, that's ridiculous. I have the New York City equivalent, I think, of the fish truck, which

I saw one day, which was a tasty delight truck. No. They dump condoms in the East River. Those aren't real used condoms. They're not real. No, people come and put those. The firewood truck that delivers firewood to delis. And it's just a truck filled with firewood.

And it just drives up and a guy takes a few bundles out and brings them in. And then just keeps driving. It's open truck. Because, of course, how are you going to get firewood in New York City? You're not just going to get that from your grocer distribution point. No, you're going to get it from your little bodega on the corner. Oh, I love that. It's a pretty sweet racket.

I mean, I'm going to be honest with you here, Kurt, and tell you that's pretty good. It's way less good than a fish cannon. Oh, my God. Than a fish cannon. Fish cannon is amazing. Fish cannon's better. But I like that he's calling it a water cannon because it's a hose. Yeah.

Right? They brought their aqualasers out and immediately. I don't know what you call them. A water cannon. You know, the thing that's on top with the big metal spout. Yeah. It's a hose, but it's a big impressive hose. It's a big hose.

It's still a hose. The hose is the flexible, the water can sits on top of the water truck. Then what's the name of the thing that goes on the end of the hose? Nozzle? Nozzle. I guess it's a nozzle.

That's not exciting. What would be the New York equivalent? What's the one that you grab? It's a nozzle. It's a nozzle over here. Hey, over here with our nozzles. Shoots in papaya cake. Yeah, it shoots. It's a real over here. Hey, over here with our nozzles. Shoots at Papaya King. Yeah, it shoots.

It's a real New York nozzle. It's in the water. But it calls them Coney Island dogs. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. Kurt Braunohler. It's a bald eagle.

Yeah, that was... Impersonating Kurt Braunohler. Listen, I know you're angling to play bald eagle. Larry is his name. Larry the Bald Eagle. But I just, I mean, and we think you're great, Kurt. We really think you're great. But Brian Austin Green, we have a development deal with him.

And we just feel like, you know, to get the demo. Can't Brian be the pelican? He doesn't really test as pelicany. Really? No. Joe Rogan tested way more pelican-y. The thing is, people want a pelican to be ethnic. It's just something.

We're going to use Damon Wayans Jr. Yeah. He's going to be in another show. Another one. He's in most shows. He's in most shows. Well, Kurt Brown, it has really been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you for joining us.

Thank you very much. Can I – when does this go out? Can I plug something? This will go out on Monday, I think. What do you got? You got some upcoming shows? You got some television appearances? Shows.

I'm going to be in Chicago on the 18th and 19th of January. If I'm not mistaken, that's the Windy City. That is the Windy City. In January, it will be very windy. I bet you can get yourself a nice kielbasa. I bet you I could get myself a nice deep dish pizza that's essentially just five pounds of mozzarella cheese with a little bit of sauce on top. Nothing wrong with that. Do you like waiting 90 minutes for your pizza to be ready?

Do you like it? Do you like not being able to finish one slice? Do you like that? Yes, I would enjoy all of those. That sounds great to me I would love to fuck up one of those pizzas right this

very second it's a it's a part of the Tomorrow Never Knows festival I'm gonna be at the Hideout

is this curated by James Bond it is yeah the old James Bond who will be opening for you at the Hideout

Otis Day and the Knights or will it be like the Staple Singers it'll be Staple Singers yeah and then on and then I'm recording an album At the hideout. Otis Day and the Knights, or will it be like the Staple Singers? It'll be Staple Singers. Staple Singers. Yeah. And then I'm recording an album with Kill Rockstars. It's going to be their first comedy album.

Fantastic. Hipster. How did you trick them into doing that? I paid them thousands of dollars. Right. Sure. Very expensive. You would think a punk rock label would not be interested in being bribed. Right.

But they are. They got no problem with it. No problem. They got no problem. And you're a rich man. I'm a wealthy individual. Look, you and I both know about that one season on IFC money. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We know. My God. I can't even buy enough houses. Sure. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, that's February 13th and 14th, 13th in Seattle and 14th in Portland. You know what?

I'm recording it. I got to tell you, if I'm in Seattle or Portland right now, and I'm in a romantic relationship, I can't think of any more romantic way to spend my Valentine's Day than checking out Kurt Braudahler, seeing him be physically awkward for my enjoyment. Fifth season of Eagle vs. Pelican, you're the one like, I saw that season of Eagle vs. Pelican, you're the one like, I saw that guy before Eagle vs. Pelican

in a little club. That's what we want. I like that it's going to be live action. Yeah, there's going to be no eagles or pelicans involved at all. We'll be dressed as an eagle and dressed as a pelican. We're going to go for a Wilford.

I think you're going to be the futsy landlord. The futsy landlord? You're going to go for like a Wilford. I think you're going to be the futsy landlord. The futsy landlord? Yeah. You're going to be like, pelican? That's the plum job. I don't allow pelicans in my apartment. You get a catchphrase. You work like one day a week.

That's the best job. It is the best job. He convinced you that he's a dodo. Yeah. And you're always trying to keep me from finding out that dodos went extinct. Constantly. They're like removing the D encyclopedia from my apartment. Oh my God.

I am really excited. I'm really excited to see the advertising materials that our listeners are going to produce. They're going to mock up. Eagle versus eagle and pelican. I'm really excited about eagle versus pelican. Unlikely friendship. It's an unlikely friendship. Can we get some street teamers to put up EVP signage all over the east side of town?

Like, what is EVP? I don't know. Go to the website. This is solid gold. I mean, this is... Sometimes you hit on an idea and you know it's got deep veins. Deep veins of gold running all through it. This is gorgeous. And, of course, if you want to enjoy Nick's work, you can watch the very funny television program, The New Girl.

It's one of the only television shows on television worth watching. There's only like 15. If you really enjoy my work, then you will enjoy the episode titled Pepperwood that will be coming up, I think, February 5th or end of January, beginning of February. My episode that I wrote, that I get to take credit for. Nice. Pepperwood. Can you give us any insights?

Nick and Jess are involved in a hilarious caper. Oh, I bet they are. They put pepper on someone's morning wood? Damn it. God damn it, I guessed it. I get pretty good at guessing things.

Spoiler alert. It is a very fun television show. I'm so happy that you work on a television show that I enjoy watching and I can compliment you on it. That was when I went out for meetings.

I was like, I just hope this thorny would approve of this program. I turned down eight shows. I can like, I just hope this Thorny would approve of this program. I turned down eight shows. I can understand that. I can't work on. Yeah. Modern Family.

Get out of here, Modern Family, with your Emmy Awards and your great hours. Your near universal acclaim. Yeah. I don't want to be near Sofia Vergara's breasts. No thanks. No. No thank you. The one thing that's keeping you from universal acclaim, Jesse's disdain for you.

Yeah. The fact that Jesse really doesn't like you, television show. Thinks maybe you're racist. No, thank you. Okay. Anyway, well, Nick, thank you as always for filling in for Jordan. Our big thanks to Sonny D on the board. Sonny D.

Brian Fernandez. Jordan will be back next week. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Hey, San Francisco, I will see you at San Francisco Sketch Fest doing Judge John Hodgman and Bullseye. You can find more information at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.