Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 260: A Doorbreaker with April Richardson and Jim Festante

Episode Date: January 28, 2013

Comedian and writer April Richardson and writer and actor Jim Festante join Jordan for a discussion of the end times, goth teens, conspiracy documentaries, and christian movies.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne at SF Sketch Fest taping various podcasts for the Maximum Fun-averse. But never fear, I have two very hilarious, capable guests with me holding down the fort today. First, a stand-up comedian and writer and personality on Chelsea Lately, April Richardson. April, welcome to the show. Hello.

Thank you for having me. Was that correct to say that you're a personality on the Chelsea Lately show? I believe so. Okay. Great. I have one that I've cultivated over many years. Right. So, sure.

Outrageous party animal. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's my nickname. Sure, sure. Go PA. Also joining me, I guess, a return engagement for a comic and now comic book author, Jim Fastante.

Jim, welcome to the show. Thank you, Jordan. You've added a new credit. Congratulations. Thank you. So I think this is a good place to start for today. Before I came over today, I made a stop at Rite Aid just for, you know, some various sundries. Sure.

Like you do. Yeah. You know, talcum powder, pomade, sundries, borax. I will say I bought dinner there the other night. It was not a high point of my life. Cup of noodles, FYI. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh, just a cup of noodles. No. Just a cup of noodles. It was pretty grim. As I was buying the cup of noodles solo in the Rite Aid for dinner, Phil Collins against all odds came on and I just froze. There's no hot food bar in the Rite Aid for dinner, Phil Collins against all odds came home and I just froze. There's no hot food bar at the Rite Aid. A single tear rolled down my cheek.

Man, this is really kind of puncturing the facade that you've put up on Chelsea lately of the outrageous party animal. Oh, I just ruined it with that one statement. No one wants to think about outrageous party animal April Richardson buying a cup of noodles. I'm sorry. And I brought the room down. Tell us more about your trip to Rite Aid. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. No, sure. So I'm just there buying Rite Aid things. And the guy checking me out is a middle-aged, stout African-American man. stout African-American man. And, you know,

it's a fairly routine transaction until the door opens up and a group of goth teens comes in. Very standard, you know, goth teens right out of Central Casting. Just totally wearing the uniform. Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, the girls had on Emily the Strange stuff.

Of course. Lots of onk necklaces. Some fucking goth teens. I don't know why I'm continuing to describe them. We know. We all know. Goth teens. And the cashier looks up from what he's doing, stops what he's doing, and he just says, hey, hey, it's party time.

Yes! And I look at the goth teens and they just roll their eyes and head to the back of the store. Right. So let's unpack what the fuck went on here. Please. Either – because when I came into Rite Aid, he didn't say like, you know, hide your daughters. Here comes Pussy Machine. I did not get that when i came in uh it which led me to

believe that this was a special thing he did just for these goth teens so you're saying this guy knew he knew what was up like the levels here like he knew the goths are like the opposite of party machine so he knew he was joking here's here's joking. Here's what I put together in my head, and let me know if you think this is plausible. These goth teens mope in here every couple of days. You get a liter of Mountain Dew. What do goths drink? I always think of them as just having a nerd diet. Like Mountain Dew, snacks, unhealthy stuff.

Right. I think if I – like an older goth person, if I was to see – so you get like a goth in their mid-30s, I would think, oh, this person boils a lot of roots. I'm thinking vegan. I'm thinking like – I could be wrong though. Yeah. I'm thinking vegan. I'm thinking like – I could be wrong though.

Yeah. I mean I guess when I think goth teen, I think of someone who is just an extension of a nerd or a punk rocker. Right. So a lot of soda, a lot of candy. Sure. But that could be wrong. Any goth teens out there, 206-9844-FUN, let us know what you're eating right now. Let us know about your diet. Is it a nice quinoa or is it nutter butters?

206-9844-FUN. Anyway, so the scenario I put together in my head is these teens come in here, they buy candy and soda and what have yous. Maybe condoms? Maybe they're fucking? Maybe they're not. I don't know. I think they're fucking because i the extension of the of the

nerd thing it's like the like band geeks right they fuck like crazy sure so i think that it's i mean they're fucking each other it's not like top tier no no i mean they're not getting top tier sure but yeah they're fucking okay each other specifically yeah good on you goth and you know what i know the group had a pretty high girl to guy ratio. Like, I think it was in favor of the girls. So it seemed like maybe good call on the guys part to decide to go Goth. So you say they're coming in, they're getting some condoms, they're getting some Mountain Dew so they can stay up all night. Right.

Fucking. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if there's one drink that gives you sexual stamina, you got to do the Dew. It also makes you sterile, so. Does it? Oh, well, I was just saying it makes you high. Like, Mountain Dew is one step away from, like, Jolt Cola. Yeah, yeah.

As far as, like, sugar and caffeine. So that's where I was going with it. I was sure it also kills sperm. At a certain point, maybe you don't need the condoms. Exactly. And then you save some money that you can spend on mascara. Are we giving out medical advice now? Yes.

Drink Mountain Dew and you don't need condoms. None of us are doctors, but this is sound. Oh, it's like the old, I guess it's like the old hot tub defense. It's like, I don't have to put on a condom. We're in a hot tub. Babe, let me raw dog it this time. I just slammed a two liter of Code Red. Okay.

That's what a goth talks like, by the way. Raw dog is my favorite phrase in the English language. I'm so happy it came into the topic so early. Second only to finger blasting. That's true. As far as aggressive sex. But is that a thing? The hot tub set?

Like you can't get pregnant in a hot tub? I didn't know that. Yeah. I mean, I guess from what I understand, it's the assholes, I don't want to use a condom excuse. Like the hot water kills the sperm. So I don't want to wear one. So yeah, that's what I associated with hot tub sex. Okay.

Interesting. I had not – should I be insulted that that line has never been tried on me as a woman? Am I not hot enough for that to happen? It's probably just the caliber of guys you're dating, April. You don't date classy guys who own hot tubs. I don't date the situation from the Jersey Shore. Okay. And I know you would love to.

I follow you on Tumblr. Yes. So I know how much you love him. He's just my type. Yes, exactly. Okay, sorry. Scott's just my type. Yes, exactly. Okay, sorry. So this, yeah. So I see these kids coming in there every couple of days and this guy knows them and he sees their mopey exteriors and he's made it his goal to get these kids to have fun or to crack a smile.

So I can see them coming up and know, crumpled up dollar bills. Sure. And then him, you know, trying to get him to smile. Like, you know, working hard or hardly working. Oh, this guy likes, you know. I feel like this guy's clowning on these people. Do you think it's malicious? Not malicious.

That's a little harsh. But I do think he's just like, look at these parties. I think he's clowning on them. Right. Okay. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. I guess I see it in a similar way, but I think this guy has a goal, and it's to crack the facade.

Yeah. He's challenging himself. Sure. He's trying to get them to smile. Because, yeah, I mean, working at Rite Aid, not the most stimulating job in the world. I imagine it gets repetitive. You have to set goals for yourself. Can I get these goths to party?

Sure. Yeah, I feel like if I would have known. I love the idea of somebody holding a magic eight ball and asking it that. Can I get these goths to party? Goths to party. Outlook not so good. Can I get these goths to party? Shrouds are unclear. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jim Fasante, casual beard enthusiast. April Richardson, outrageous party animal. Ah, we did the work for you at the beginning. OPA. But you know what? I like it. And yeah, you can shorten it. Exactly.

You down with OPA? Yay. Yeah, you know, may. May? Yeah, you know May. Now, Jim, you kind of had a new endeavor that I wanted to talk about. You recently made the jump from comedy writer to comic book writer. You have a great new comic out on the Image Comics imprint called The End Times of Bram and Ben.

Yes. And it's a kind of – it's like a fun and funny romp through the rapture. It takes that kind of traditional revelation story of the rapture and makes it fun and funny. And I noticed something in those kind of back pages of a comic where the authors get to say a little something. You mentioned that to prepare to write this, you watched the Kirk Cameron apocalyptic Left Behind movies. What the fuck are those like? Dude. Oh, maybe so for people who don't know, Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains has this weird career making exclusively Christian direct-to-DVD. Super religious.

Yeah. And he also does infomercials with that Australian guy. Like, for whatever their church. Yeah, yeah. Like, whatever their church is. Like, they go out on the street. I have not seen these. Oh, yeah.

It's like him and an Australian preacher or something going out on the street quizzing people, being like, hey, do you believe in God? And whether they say yes or no, they'll still be – they just keep quizzing. It's like jaywalking. It kind of is. But for the Bible. But even less intelligent. Yeah. And they do carry around a banana as like the sole proof of intelligent design.

Yeah. Is that you need – God, I black out when I start watching these things. It's like basically like human hands can peel a banana and it was just like it's a perfect example of God's design of like creating something for – It's like it's self-contained and it has its own – yeah. Boy, what is that? And when you slip on it, it makes you laugh. It's just like the dumbest. It has so many functions. I guess I would – but what is that?

I mean I'm assuming these guys aren't evolution guys. Oh, he's anti. A monkey can peel a banana. Doesn't that hurt the thesis? Jordan, Jordan, let's not apply logic here. Oh, I'm sorry. Calm down. I don't exactly remember what –

What's the monkey defense? Because if I was just walking around on the Third Street Promenade or at the Grove or wherever the fuck it is, Kirk Cameron does this. Yeah. And he's like, hey, did you know that this banana is proof of intelligent design? I would say, well, isn't it also proof of evolution because a monkey can also peel it? But what does he say? No one has asked that. I don't really – actually, no.

They do – people do ask questions, but they do have a defense for every question. But no, he's I don't think he believes in like a shred of evolution. Oh, well, not even like. Yeah, he's. Yeah. On that right. Right. Scale.

Yeah. And to prove it, Kurt Cameron then peels a banana with his feet. His prehensile ape feet, which is a trick Alan Thicke taught him. Pretty sure. feet which is a trick alan thick taught him i'm pretty sure so alan thick not only writes all of his own theme songs but he also has prehensile feet that he can use to hang upside down and peel fruit stupid thick tricks um yeah classic thick trick um so so kurt cameron kind of occupies this world um that we were talking about a little bit last week, which is I guess Master P and the Insane Clown Posse also just make these weird direct-to-DVD movies for their fans only. And we were kind of talking about are these things noteworthy enough to watch or will they just be terrible?

Jim, I imagine it was kind of cool to have an actual reason to watch these things rather than just morbid curiosity. Well, OK. So I co-wrote the book with my friend James Asmus who is a far more established comic book writer. He and I – the reason we kind of got on this is both of us love these kinds of end time stories because they're so ridiculous. Because you always have everybody, you know, all the righteous are raptured right away. And the people that are left are either, you know, you've got like Kirk Cameron who might have like one little flaw about him. But he's basically more or less like religious hellfire kind of guy. And then you have like

everybody else just loves Satan. So there's no middle ground. There's like no gray area. And it's just like, okay, if this really happened, I'm guaranteeing a lot of people aren't going to be taken, but there are going to be a large number of people who would think of themselves as good people kind of questioning, well, why not me?

So it's just kind of like, all right, well, let's blow that out. Like, let's kind of look at the rapture as if it were happening to our friends. So wait. So in the in the Cameron averse, he does not get raptured immediately. He doesn't. He is a journalist. He basically, you know, he has his like he he's an atheist and then he has his come to Jesus moment. But again, it's like it's not like he's that far off from it.

I don't know. It's just it's there's no nuance. He's not like a murder rapist or something. No, but everybody else is. It's just like everybody else is like super. Murder slash rapist. Right. That's on his business card. Murder slash rapist. Right. That's on his business card.

I excel at both. Sure. I also know Excel. Microsoft Excel for my resume. I chart all my victims. Right. And, April, you were telling me in the parking lot that your mom is into this genre of stuff. Yeah, my mom.

Oh, really? Because we were talking about the movies. And I forget how many there are. Oh, God. Because there are like five or six, aren't there? There's video games. Yeah. I did not know there was video games.

I didn't know there was video games either. Yeah, my mom's kind of legitimately into them. My parents are religious, but they're not, I don't, but now talking about this, I'm like, are they crazy? They're not like crazy about it, at least to me. They've never forced me to go to church. They're not like super judgmental but she is they're okay with your party animal lifestyle yeah they are they're okay with

me partying outrageously all the time um no they they but they are into these movies my mom is legitimately into the movies they do believe i don't know i don't want to make my parents sound like idiots because they're not idiots. But they are. But they're what you – what I feel like Kirk Cameron would say that my parents wouldn't be raptured because while they are Christians and they do believe that, they also do believe in evolution. They don't toe the line, I guess, as hard as he does. So maybe they would be the kind of people that he would still say, well, you don't believe that the banana itself is proof of God, so you're going to hell. They failed the banana test. Yeah, exactly.

We sat down one day in a Barnes & Noble and took a Bible off the shelf and just went through it. And we're just like, let's find all of the God's no-nos. Like, what are you not allowed to do? You weren't going to make the jump and actually purchase the Bible. No. You weren't going to make the joke but actually purchase the Bible. No. You weren't going to throw down the $29.99 or... Have you seen what those things cost? Yeah. It's a ridiculous list.

I mean, you and I are already out because of this, the tattoos. Oh, right. That's it. That automatically disqualifies us. But yeah, it's just like, it's such a ridiculous list of things. That's so funny because i i i think i i definitely know from growing up in orange county about the tattoo sleeved super cool acoustic guitar playing oh yeah yeah uh tammy faye baker's son jim and tammy faye baker's son is that guy

like yeah because he had i'm from atlanta originally and he had a church in atlanta and that was his whole thing is like i'm the the punk rock preacher. And he's got total sleeves. And Stephen Baldwin, another example of this. Yeah. So you're right. And it's like you can't. The Bible also says things like you can't shave your beard or something like shaving is wrong. And yeah, any sort of body touching a menstruating woman.

Yeah. Whoa. You're out. But why would you want to? Why would you be fair? He makes a solid point. It's super gross. Yeah.

So I want to – I just – I mean theology aside, I'm kind of more curious about the production values of these movies. Oh, OK. to do where he had this stage, just kind of like a one-man show, and he would have movie clips from End Times movies that weren't necessarily like, you know, there's all sorts of End Times movies out there. And he would show a clip, like a couple seconds, like a scene of an End Times movie, and then a scene of like a low-grade porn, like one of those like Skinamax-type porns. Which I have HBO Go now, so those

have been rocketed back into my peripheral. Those still exist, and they still make them. Anyways, continue. And he would bring up somebody from the audience and have them pass. Who am I kidding? Peripheral? What's your regular vision? What's the vision where you watch something on your TV? I'm focused

on them. Yeah. I am taking, I am making a fucking Excel spreadsheet. Um, sorry. Okay. So, okay.

So he shows, he shows a clip from, uh, is this, uh, is this a, you know, a Skinamax porn or is it an end times film?

And the thing that would sometimes make it even trickier, despite the horrible acting and writing and, you know, production values, was there's crossover in actors. Whoa. So some of these actors that appeared in these End Times films also appeared in some of these, like, low-grade porns. That is fucking amazing. It is amazing. That, to me, is more proof that God exists than the banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Yeah. That's hilarious. So wait. So do the – I mean is it – because I'm just imagining one of these End Times movies and seeing a woman come through who's playing – I don't know what a – a DA, a sexy DA, and she just has like huge fake boobs. And you're like, oh, that's weird. It's like, oh, but she also goes and does you know sexy detectives five

that's so funny so is there anything so I imagine these are like when I think about the story of the rapture it seems like something that if done in kind of a high budge Michael Bay kind of way could look super super cool when you get to that rapture-y stuff

does it look like anything or is it just like mega shark versus giant octopus? it's really not that impressive I mean there's also kind of not a lot of that is it? the main scary part I did air quotes, scary

is the when he's on the airplane to me it's like people the you know people on the airplane and like well to me it's like people missing it's like you know the scenes where it's like people are like i can't find my dad and it's like because they got raptured so it's like we're a ton of people and it's like the everybody hurts video where they just show like traffic and every because people have been raptured out of their cars and like that's the thing is the main scariest point of those to me is people missing and then the people left behind not knowing why they're missing and that's what kicks off our book yeah is it's it literally gets like right

into that moment of like rapture and it's like and fucking three pages of chaos yeah but also you know because it's such a short it's it's such a smaller amount of people than would really be missed in a lot of places especially like you know we have a panel of that takes place in Turkey and it's like, so anything going on today? Nope. How about you? Yeah, right. You think that, yeah, depending on where it is, it would be super noticeable. I was thinking about that, that everybody hurts montage of everybody like leaving.

That would be funny if it was just some dudes at a strip club and then automatically like there were no more strippers and them going like, well, that's a surprise. Huh. Huh. I never would have guessed. Yeah, exactly. But I do think that is one of the funniest. And I'm not an atheist. I absolutely believe in God.

I mean, I don't want this to be like I'm just clowning on all religious people. But I do think that is the funniest part to me is how any movie like this or any depiction of it, it is so cut and dry. It is so like if you don't believe in God, you're a Satanist. Like you're just the total – yeah, there's no – you're evil. You're a Satanist. You're into crazy stuff. Like it's not just – I'm just an average person. Like the fact that anybody who doesn't believe in God can have zero moral framework and never do the right thing. Right.

Which is why I mean, that's why like when we went about to write this book, we didn't want to again, like clown on religion. We weren't trying to make fun of it so much as, all right, this is what you believe. So let's kind of blow that out in a more realistic setting than, you know. Right. And it is so funny because because I think that we've all seen. Let's kind of blow that out in a more realistic setting than, you know, a person with one flaw. And it is so funny because I think that we've all seen the other side of that, like the polar opposite of that, and it's Ricky Gervais. Oh, yeah, yes. Oh, yeah.

I find that equally as tiresome, honestly. I don't want to hear a fundamentalist go on. I don't want to hear an atheist go on about it. Like any I don't want to hear a fundamentalist go on. I don't want to hear an atheist go on about it. Like, yeah, they both they both both of those sides seem as intolerant and single minded as the other one. Absolutely. To the point where they should almost hang out. Yeah.

You know, just meet at the Rite Aid. Right. I think Ricky Gervais and like Pat Robertson should give each other best friends necklaces, the half of them. Oh, yeah. Then kiss. Making it even weirder. Yeah. That like idea that like kind of Ricky Gervais version of a Christian where he's like, well, time to go worship the grandpa in the sky now.

Yeah. And then not think about anything like that. That is almost as offensive as the Kirk Cameron murdering atheist. Yeah. No, I agree. I equally do not want to listen to either of those people. Sure. So I guess did you – like theology aside, is there anything – is there any like goofing on potential in these movies? Because I still feel compelled to watch one. Oh, yeah.

As far as them being terrible. Sure. I think so. Definitely. Yeah. It's worth a watch. I mean, the acting and stuff is terrible. I wouldn't recommend it sober.

Okay. But yeah. No. It's such a weird, interesting genre that I feel like you kind of, just from a curiosity standpoint, just watch it. Okay. Yeah. I don't know what I would want to watch first, that or the insane clown posse western.

To me, I think that there's a level in the rapture movies, not only is it just bad acting, bad production, but there's a level of, like, I'm doing something important. Like, the people in them think. Yeah, that it's humorless. Yeah, this has a message. And so that makes it even funnier, I think, to me. Yeah, like maybe ICP is just, you know, they're goofing around

with their friends. They're just totally goofing. I imagine Coolio makes an appearance. Ah, God. Oh, that's right. He actually was at one of the juggalo, like, gathering in the juggalos,

wasn't he? I think Coolio is officially a juggalo. Oh, no. I think he and him and Vanilla Ice. Oh, Vanilla Ice, that makes perfect sense.

Yeah, Coolio, you're surprised. Actually, Vanilla Ice, that makes perfect sense. Yeah. Coolio. Coolio, you're surprised. Actually, Coolio, do you guys remember when Coolio threatened to fight Weird Al? No. Yes. Why? Over Amish Paradise?

Don't you remember that? Yeah, because he won a Grammy. How can you not? This is like one of the monumental pop culture. Because I'm like, really? Yeah, he won a Grammy for whatever that song is from that movie. Amish Paradise. I don't think it's...

Oh, Gangsta Paradise. Gangsta Paradise. Amish Paradise. That's the Weird Al version. That's the Weird Al version. But how do you not remember the image of Coolio polishing his Grammy, not exaggerating, polishing it, talking in the press room, and somebody asked him about that. They were like, hey, what do you think of Weird Al's parody?

And he was like, yeah, I didn't give him permission. my record company did but i didn't so i better not run into weird al in a dark alley like something like that where it's like who threatens to fight weird al the nicest guy what's weird al doing in a dark alley what are you doing in a dark alley coolio that might be that's not necessarily the exact quote but it was just this menacing stance while he's polishing his Grammy. Being like, I'll fight Weird Al. I feel like they should have a Grammy because Weird Al has a few Grammys, right? If he doesn't, he should. They should have a Grammy fight, I think.

Like throw Grammys at each other. Well, I'm just saying that is just one of my favorite. Really? You're going to pick on Weird Al? Of course. And just, like, him being like, I'll fight you. Like, okay. What a thug.

Yeah. Of course. Aw, Coolio. So, April, you were also telling me in the parking lot, speaking of weird things that one might see on Netflix Instant, you were telling me that you watched this sushi-making documentary. I did. Jiro Dreams of Sushi. Yes. I watched it last night. And I have not watched this, but this has been like, like such like party conversation to me as people talking about this movie and how great it is. It's about, you know, Japan's foremost sushi expert. Yeah.

But I thought it was really funny because you weren't like nearly as charmed by it as everyone else who's ever talked to me about it. Okay. I was because I was thinking, and this definitely has to be a cultural thing, though, so this is going to make me sound really culturally insensitive. But yeah, okay, it's about this guy who- But his driving is so bad. He's a terrible driver. No, it's just that, yeah, it is all about this guy who absolutely just masters, you know, the art of making sushi.

And he's like the world's best sushi chef. God, say that ten times fast. No. I'll sound dumb. Yeah, so that's what it's all about it's just how he's absolutely dedicated his life to mastering this craft and he's so he talks about how happy he is that he's done that he's like 85 and he's like this is all i've done with my life i've totally mastered it i'm so happy and to but it was to me i was just like this is at the expense of

everything else in your life like it just was he leads the least well-rounded life in existence and how he has two kids. He's probably only seen two out of the 10 Oscar movies. He's probably seen only Silver Linings Playbook and Argo. Nothing else. He probably only watches the Food Network. He doesn't even know their other, no, it's just, and he talks about his two sons and he actually, he's like, openly like, yeah, wasn't that a great father? Like,

I was at the restaurant all day, every day. I don't know. But he was just like, I have such honor in my craft. I don't know. I just was like, is that worth it? Really? Is it? But that's an American thing, I'm sure, that I don't think it's worth it, because I wasn't raised in a culture that

was like, you have to excel in this one thing, and who cares about everything else? And so, you know, I'm sure that I don't think it's worth it because I wasn't raised in a culture that it was like you have to excel in this one thing and who cares about everything else. And so, you know, I'm sure in Japan he is a right honorable dude. But to me, I'm like, you're just openly being like I'm a terrible father. I've never done anything else but make sushi. But I'm pretty fucking great at sushi. So there you go. Like, yeah, it is really funny. Yeah, it is really funny. It seems like, I mean, especially to like our, you know, class of person, your kind of college educated, artistically minded, you know, white person.

Sure. Like the number one virtue is well-roundedness. Like the thing it seems like most guys want to be is that guy who can, you know. Jack of all trades. Yeah. Take a sip of wine and comment on the bouquet but also knows everything about Star Wars. Sure. And also does a 5K every year or something, you know. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just – I think that way because I'm making myself feel better for not mastering anything. I haven't mastered it. I know how to do a lot of things a little bit well. Yeah, right. Totally. But if you think about it, it's like this guy must not be any fun to hang out with because all he can talk about is sushi. Just like you don't want to hang out with the guy that can only talk about wine

or the guy that can only talk about Star Wars. Or only talk about being an atheist. Right. For instance, that even works it into his award show pattern. Yeah. His award show pattern yeah his award show pattern really is that the time um anyways uh yeah so i did enjoy it the guy he was a cute old man and it's great that he's so great at what he does but it was just yeah to me to me, I'm like, we get it. You fucking chop up fish. It's great.

I saw one recently on Netflix. And, April, you were saying that you feel like you've gone through the entire Netflix documentary. Especially the conspiracy theory. I'm so dangerously close to becoming like the bearded dude in the cabin in the woods. bearded dude in the cabin in the woods because i out of curiosity got on a conspiracy theory documentary kick and watched so many of them to where at the end i'm like you know they have some solid points it's starting to make some sense to me wait like what um what was the well i i watched the most recent one was the one on the uh i always want to say kotch but they said in the documentary coke brothers yeah oh sure sure. So I watched that one.

I watched Zeitgeist, which has a bunch of parts. It has a part on the Federal Reserve and a part on 9-11. I watched Loose Change, which is completely about 9-11. Right. Yeah, tons of them. Tons of them. Yeah, I mean, I think you either are going toward – you mentioned bearded survivalist, but it also sounds like you could also kind of go a direction to guy who works in the bong store.

Yeah, totally, totally. I'm sure there's crossover in that Vendire. Yeah, I've been bong store guys saving up to get his cabin. I don't know when shit goes down. What's going to happen? I don't know. Shit's going to go down. I saw one. I watched one called Shit's Going to

Go Down. It's great. In depth, yeah. Shit's going to go down. I saw one. I watched one called Shit's Going to Go Down. Right. In depth. Yeah. Fucking Uncle Sam is another one. No G on that. Fucking Uncle Sam. How do these guys get it together to make a documentary?

It seems like such a laborious process. Right. Are any of these like well made? Because I just I think of the only the only time I've dipped my toe into this lake is the Dan Aykroyd one. Dan Aykroyd, Secrets of Aliens Exposed. Oh, I got to put that in my queue. It's just Dan Aykroyd being filmed on your dad's big VHS camcorder talking about aliens. Wow.

And how shit from Ghostbusters is real. Wow. And how shit from Ghostbusters is real. Wow. So I guess I think that- It was just like Ghostbusters, but then a voiceover of him being like, this is a documentary. Okay, this happened. This we had to reconstruct. That happened. That's real.

Slimer is legit. Let me tell you how. Rick Moranis is a puppet. I guess I figured that. Slimer is real. He and I had a very disturbing sexual relationship. First, I'm absolutely going to watch this when I get home. I didn't know about the David Aykroyd one.

That's like that Ancient Aliens series that's on some otherwise reputable channel. Oh, it's on the History Channel. My friend Paul Sebus, shout out to him because he has a great joke about it because he was talking about it. It's on the History Channel. He's like, when did shout out to him because he has a great joke about it because he was talking about it. It's on the History Channel. He's like, when did the History Channel turn into the shit we wish had happened channel? Yeah. Wait, I haven't heard of this. Oh, God.

Ancient Aliens is fantastic. I went down a rabbit hole of those episodes one day to where my wife just came in and was just like, what are you watching? And it was just like most of it, it's that same kind of thing where it's just like, come on. Yeah, you're like part of the time you're making the jerk off hand motion. And then the other part of the time you're like, wait a minute. That makes sense. Your hands gets tired. And then you just got to fucking give up and agree.

Yeah. It's like, okay, there's like, yeah. And some of these experts, it's like that guy with the really long hair that looks Greek. And he's just like, he's just the most – you can't really believe that that man is an expert in anything. So I guess my question – my initial question is how is this episodic television? Do they concentrate on one particular abduction or one particular conspiracy? It's all hypothesizing, isn't it? Isn't it all like what if aliens were here?

No, yeah. It's like – so some of't it? Isn't it all like what if aliens were here? No, yeah. It's like some of the things they talk about, okay, some of them were like – granted, I'm going to open myself up to some – all right. I don't necessarily believe all this stuff. I would like to research it. But one of the things that convinced – that was a more convincing argument was talking about like how they went into this pyramid that they had found and they were like really deep into it. It was, you know, well beyond. They were in the basement of the pyramid. The basement of the pyramid.

Yeah. And there was no – they couldn't find any traces of just basically leftover material if there was torches. So it's just like, well, how the hell did anybody see in this? And then they found these things that they're called that they were calling them Baghdad batteries that they basically theorized were batteries from ancient times. And they would light, they would use the batteries to create artificial

light. So these were just giant potatoes. A big science experiment. Where did the aliens come in? The aliens made these batteries? Yeah, it was somehow tied into the fact that aliens had visited and showed them how to do all this kind of stuff. How to make batteries. Sure.

So that's when you stopped jerking off. Briefly. Right. Briefly. But then I started jerking off for a different reason. Like, that is true and sexy. Right. Yeah.

It's like that's another series I would recommend to you. Yeah. I can't believe you never heard of that. Yeah. I've also been told that on one of the cable channels, and I don't know if either of you have seen this, I guess there's one where dudes just look for Bigfoot now. Yeah, we've actually

made fun of it on the show. I've only seen clips for when we've made fun of it on Chelsea Lately. Some shows are best left in that zone to me. But how can there... I thought... I'm not even being funny. I thought the search for Bigfoot was I thought there were maybe like five dudes in the whole world looking for Bigfoot. Like I didn't think

it would be enough to, let's have a season of a television show. Yeah, that's the thing to me, like I guess I understand making a documentary or I guess I understand making you know, whatever. Yeah, like a one-off thing. But episodes that have to have, like even the dumbest reality show has a little journey, has a little arc.

Yeah, exactly. Ice has to help Coco prepare for the fashion show. Ice has to help Coco be a weather lady for a day. I watch a lot of Ice Loves Coco. Yes. But yeah, you're right. It's like that – how is that – it's just nope, he's still not here. Like that's the whole show.

It's like that. How is that? It's just, nope, he's still not here. Like, that's the whole show. And isn't, like, the episode where they found Bigfoot would be the most giant television event of all time. Yes. So how do you get people pumped to watch episode five of season two? We still don't find him. Like, yeah.

That's the summary of the episode. Yeah. Bigfoot. Is it in that vein of art? Like, are they kind of, it's like that show Doomsday Preppers, where you kind of watch it and you're just like, oh, they made this show, like, to kind of highlight that these people are crazy. Like, they have mental issues and it's just like, let's kind of watch the crazy people. So is there an element of that?

Yeah. I've never seen the, other than that, I mean, I've just seen clips. The clips we've made in front of them on the show, it is just... People not find it. Like, yeah, that's all it is. Like, the clip is somebody being like,

I know he's here, and then they, you know, push the tree back and he's not. And so it's like, yeah, he's not fucking there, of course. And then that's what

we're making fun of. So I've never watched the whole thing. That'd be funny if through the season they were finding other monsters. Yes!

Like, well... Loch Ness Monster, yawn. Who cares? Snooze. whole thing. It'd be funny if through the season they were finding other monsters. Yes! Like, well, Loch Ness Monster, yawn. Who cares? Snooze. Yeah. Mummy? Nope. Wolfman? Nope. Wolfman's close! It's not an ape. I'm looking for a giant ape.

I want to ask about doomsday preppers. Something else that I kind of know about tangentially but have not watched. What is the popular doomsday scenario? Because it seems like – It keeps passing, doesn't it? Because now we've passed December 21st. Right. It's not – but even that, like even with the Mayans, what did people think was going to happen? Was it – do they all just believe in the rapture or is it the government is going to come in and start dropping bombs and then everyone else is going in a spaceship or is it – does anyone legit believe in zombies?

Oh, that's right. Yeah. I think there's like – there's various ways. There's various levels. Like not everybody ascribes to the exact same story. Right. You know what I mean? So it's just like there are definitely elements of you know government takeovers like so when the book when

when uh end times first came out i was just like i just want to know what people are saying so i would go on twitter and just uh put end times in quotes yeah and just kind of search through the results just to see if anybody was mentioning the book and man like of course 90 of it is people talking about how the end times are here or their end times theories. And it's just it's insane. Like the the they all think Obama is the Antichrist. Well, the funniest part to me, actually, is anybody if you've read the book of Revelation, it could not be clearer as far as no one knows when this will happen. It could not be clear that God like, you know, if you believe it's the word of God, God himself is like, you will never know.

It's not like, and God, and God will send unto you an elderly nut in Tennessee who will put up some billboards. It's just so clearly like, you will never know. There's no specific date. Like, so when anybody tries to predict it,

I, if they're super religious, I want to be like, you're going against, if you believe this literally, you have no way of predicting this. Yeah. Yeah.

They go against a lot of what they supposedly believe. Yeah. Well, yeah, of course. But a lot of it's Obama-based then. Oh, yeah. There's so many things about like, and we're all like on the brink of getting chips implanted in us. Oh, sure. In like a one-world government.

Which would be the mark of the beast. Yes, yes. Oh, interesting. So they kind of adapt it to modern technology. So the mark of the beast is like a QR code or something. Interesting. And insane. Yeah, yeah.

You know, again, kind of living how we do and kind of running in the circles that we do. I have never like legit talked to anyone who subscribes to any of this except for once. There was a friend of my mom's who lived across the street. And I remember being over for some sort of family dinner type thing and her mentioning that – and this was before the first Obama election – that Obama was a Muslim and that as soon as he was elected, he would outlaw Christianity. Oh, of course. Of course he would. That's very practical.

And definitely he would be able to do that. Yeah. And like, I'm guessing now. Outlaw Christianity. Outlaw. Make it against the law. Outlaw Christianity. And I'm sure I've talked about this.

I'm sure I've talked about this on the show before. So apologies if this is a repeat story. But I was at church with my mom once and they showed a video and production value is about the same as what I imagine a Kirk Cameron or Skinamax movie were. And it was a dad and son kind of sitting in a room and the dad said – and the son asked the dad, what's a martyr? It's an odd thing for a son to ask a dad. Now that you've explained sex to me, what's a martyr? And the dad says, well, it's someone who stands by their beliefs no matter what. And then they go to kind of this inspirational music and this,

and this montage. And it goes back to the dad and son. And he's like, well, I hope you'll never have to choose, you know, between your life and your faith. But I know that if you do,

you'll make the right choice. Uh, Whoa, that's how old is this kid? Kid six. Okay. Camera widens. Uh,

uh, Star Trek door opens. Shock troops come in, grab dad and thrust him in an airlock and he gets shot out into space. What? Wow. This is a video shown during a church service. Yeah. This is like Sunday at noon.

This is like that was made in house by the church. I know. I think there's something distributed and masked for churches to show. Like people like audioual presentations now. So it's weird that clearly there's a set that is envisioning a future, a dystopian future where, like a Terminator 2 Judgment Day, where Christianity has to go underground or else you'll be shot out of an airlock. See, I love even that, like the vision of the future.

It's like, first of all, we don't even have fucking flying cars yet, everybody. Calm down. Like, has the future, again, air quotes, think of your life ten years ago. How different is it? Not that different. Not different that people are coming to shoot your dad into space different. Like, that's not happening in our lifetime.

And April, I mean, exactly like you, it's like, I definitely get really, really turned off when it feels like people are being, you know, too mean exactly like you, I definitely get really, really turned off when it feels like people are being too mean to the religious or something like that. It really is a real bad taste in my mouth. If only the art they produced wasn't so goofy. Yes. Why is that so easy to goof on? They do deserve some of it.

I mean for me personally it's just because when people do that I think of my parents and I'm like, well, my parents aren't idiots. But of course on the whole, yes, they deserve a lot of it. But I'm just saying like just blanket statements where I don't I don't know. I don't dismiss people who have faith of any sort as stupid. And a lot of people I know that are like, you know, the Ricky style of atheist where they're like, I want to talk about how I'm an atheist all the time. It's the one thing that defines me. I don't like that. I don't like a belief in something making you stupid.

I don't think it makes you stupid. Right. And it seems to be it just misses the point so much. It's like, well, where's the evidence that Sky Grandpa is sitting on a cloud? Right. It's like, well, that's what religion is. It's believing in something even though there's not concrete evidence. And that's why it's important to people is because you can't.

Right. And I think that people that don't necessarily believe in God forget that they have faith in things in their lives that they can't see or that aren't tangible. Sure. Absolutely. Even if it isn't God. So, yeah, I don't. That part of it annoys me. But I think we can agree that it makes for great award show patter. It absolutely does. Even if it isn't God. So, yeah, I don't. That part of it annoys me. But I think we can agree that it makes for great award show patter.

It absolutely does. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jim Fistante, probably not getting into heaven. April Richardson, outrageous party animal? Outrageous. Outrageous party animal.

Outrageous party animal. From time to time, and by from time to time, I mean in every single episode, we like to open up the phone lines and take some calls from you, our loyal listeners. Brian Fernandez, what's your nickname? Sunny D? Brian's new nickname is Sunny D because of his sunny disposition. Oh, nice. Brian, why don't you boot up the first telephone call? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

This is Mike from New York for the momentous occasion. I just tested and passed my test in my third Kung Fu form. That is the Tiger Crane form. I am now going to move on to my first weapon form, which is a broadsword, a real broadsword. I'm going to be a swordsman. So, Immortal Power, plug it in. I'm jealous. Wait, what was the last part?

The what power? Oh, April, for your benefit, that's our slogan for 2013. Immortal Power, colon, plug it in. Oh, I like it. It's kind of a phrase to get us amped. Right. It works. Good.

It works. Why don't you stop being confused as to what he said. You're super pumped. I went straight from confused to amped. Great. Oh, good. Well, that's the idea. This is interesting.

So this guy is in a class where he's doing tiger and crane kung kung fu and he is using a sword okay i took karate lessons as a kid sure at no point did we do anything that cool this sounds like this sounds like what you want karate to be when you sign up for it and then you go to the ymca and yeah it's fun and stuff but it's just tiger and crane seem pretty far removed from each other like that he was tested on both of those at the same time confuses me. Yeah you would think that those are a whole separate discipline. They seem like they'd be very different. Yeah. I'm basing this on

my knowledge of the two animals. I know nothing about karate. You're right. But based on that it seems kind of weird to group them together right? Right because you have pouncing motions. Sure and then you have. And you have pecking motions. Sure. And it seemed just so wildly different. And then you add a sword into that. What is that crazy stuff?

Yeah. How is any of this practical, I wonder? Like, is any of this preparing you to disarm a mugger or a guy starting shit with you in a bar? Yeah.

I feel like if you just walk around with a broadsword, you're automatically... You're fine. You're fine. You're going to be fine. Yeah, maybe that's it. That's enough. Maybe the class is purchasing the sword and, you know, just learning how to carry it.

Just having it on your person. Right. Yeah. Pointing to your sword when shit starts to get crazy. Yes, exactly. Oh, interesting. Yeah. No, I mean, I think I started to take karate classes based on my enthusiasm for the film Three Ninjas.

Do you guys remember this movie? I do remember it. Wasn't JTT in it? Oh, Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yes, I think. Wasn't he one of the Three Ninjas? That's a good question. Don't know. Maybe he wasn't. I don't know.

Sorry. You might be thinking of Sidekicks with Jonathan Brandis. I might be. Where he teamed up with a fantasy Chuck Norris to reenact the plot of The Karate Kid almost note for note. Oh, okay. Maybe I am. Yeah, it was, I feel like it was weird.

As a kid, there were these like, there was this little swath of karate movies where like kids knew karate. Little kids being ninjas. And it could get them out of scenarios. Three Ninjas was kids who knew karate, but they also set up elaborate Home Alone style traps. Sure. So it was this weird like fusion of things that were in vogue. And then dinosaurs.

Friends of Parks coming out soon, right? A friend of mine got so mad. Speaking of Home Alone, which is one of my favorite movies for real. Sure. I don't know if you guys saw skyfall yes i loved it i loved it still but a friend of i got so mad because afterward we were talking about it and like i went to see it with some friends and one of my friends was like yeah too bad it was home alone it was like a grown-up home alone at the end they were like so no it wasn't they're like actually it was exactly like home alone yeah and it's awesome it is awesome yeah exactly he used an old-time hunting actually, it was exactly like Home Alone. Yeah, and it's awesome. It is. He set awesome traps. It remains awesome.

Yeah, exactly. He used an old-time hunting rifle. Yes, it was like Home Alone, and yeah, it was great. Yeah, anyway, sorry. That just made me think of that. So this guy just doesn't think no movie should contain traps? I guess. Well, I'm like if something—

Or like homemade traps. I don't want to live in that world. If something's cool, it's cool. I don't care if Kevin McAllister is doing it or James Bond's doing it. If it works, it works. Stick with it. Yeah, I feel like I saw a lot of Twitter chatter around the holidays about

Home Alone. You kind of forget that it's a Christmas movie. Right. And then I guess they continue... The second one was a Christmas movie too, right? Yeah. It was Christmas in New York. Yeah, when he was left in New York. Anyway. Anyway, sorry. No, that's okay's okay oh i steered it way away from that's okay on the uh uh uh yeah april try and stay on topic this is a podcast okay while we're talking about home alone can i say this yes yes please um somebody i'm super obsessed with elvis presley

right and his birthday was january 8th and we were talking about it at work and somebody was like yeah you know how people like like it was common knowledge just goes yeah you know how people say he was an extra in Home Alone and I'm like no I don't know how people say that and I looked it up on YouTube and it is like the scene where Catherine O'Hara the scene there's probably a million where she's at

the airport being like I need to get a flight home because of my kid the guy behind her like all exasperated, people think is Elvis Presley. Why do they think that? If you go watch the video on YouTube, the dude looks like him. The dude does look like a bearded Elvis Presley. But the best part is this theory rests on a clip. When he's all exasperated, he does this little jerk, this little head jerk.

And there's footage in this YouTube side by side of him doing that at like some concert. And so they're like, there you go. They move their head the same way. It's totally Elvis Presley. This is one of Dan Aykroyd's lesser videos. But you should watch it because part of me, I was like, well, they do look alike. That's so funny. But it totally rests on the head nod.

I guess I forget. I guess that's a conspiracy theory that's a little bit past our generation. The Elvis is still alive conspiracy. Yeah. But when I had heard it last, he was working in a supermarket. So at least he's moved up to movie extras. Yeah. I'm like, listen, one of the most famous people who has ever walked the earth is really going

to come back from the dead to take like 19th billing to Macaulay Culkin in a movie? He could have had some lines that got cut for time. Maybe he was like, move the line along, sweetheart. Don't step on my shoes. You know the ones. And then he winks at the camera in the audience. I said that. I go, look, the dude's a showman.

Like Bear Minns, he's going to wink at the camera. Right. He's going to do something to be like, yeah, I'm Elvis. That's so weird. Yeah, because is the theory that he's doing that as a tip off to his fans? I don't know. Like, I don't know why. There's no explanation other than look at the way these two people's heads nod in the same way.

That's so funny. It is Elvis. Like, there's no other explanation. Like, how he would get an extra part in a John Hughes movie. Like, what? Yeah. God, yeah. explanation like how he would get an extra part in a john hughes movie like what yeah god yeah and yeah is elvis just doing that for money i mean he's got his sag card he was in he was in several movies he's sag eligible right oh you gotta tap heartily be into this that's a really good show business joke for those of you in the flyover states.

I don't know, but it made me laugh for a very long time. Just the idea of him being like, yeah, I'm going to make my announcement. I'm still alive. One of the hugest controversies ever as an extra. Because he would have to talk to the director. He would have to say, hey, I'm Elvis, and I'm going to send a secret message to fans. Please put me prominently enough in this super— Excuse me, Chris Columbus.

I don't know if you're familiar. I'm Elvis Presley. Brian, we got another call in there? Elvis did karate. That's how that ties together. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, and whatever guests happen to be there. David from Milwaukee, Wisconsin with a notification. And yes, David from Milwaukee, Wisconsin with a momentous occasion. And yes, being

from Milwaukee, I am a healthily built man and when I was listening to your last episode was in fact making something with delicious sausages and thinking about the freezing cold. So the momentous occasion has to do with the fact that it's also freezing

cold in Milwaukee. So cold that I, well my father was kind enough to loan me his car. And it's been a little bit cold here. And apparently certain things become brittle because I ripped the door handle off his car. Luckily, he works in nonprofit housing, so it's no problem to afford to fix a car. Have a good one. Bye. No problem to afford to fix a car. Have a good one.

Bye. On last week's show, we were talking about the perils of living in one of those ultra-cold climates. I've just lived in California my whole life and have never owned anything heavier than a light jacket, a light wrap. What's the – have you ever lived in one of those super cold climates? Jimmy, you lived in New York for a while, right? Yeah, New York gets pretty cold. Yeah. But I wasn't pulling apart car doors.

Yeah. I lived in England for a bit after high school, but it wasn't – I mean, yeah, it snows and got cold, but it wasn't – I also did not rip apart any cars. Right. What is the English cold like? Very polite. Yeah, I lived in Manchester in northern England. So, I mean, yeah, it got pretty cold. But I still even think it wasn't like Chicago cold or something.

I don't know why it was. I don't remember it being ridiculous. Yeah. Well, something that I really like about those cold climate places, and I was saying this on the last show, is that it really facilitates a great drinking culture. Like everyone just agrees, let's all go, let's all pack a bar. Let's put our body heat in one small area and get drunker so we feel it less. Yeah. And I kind of feel like I'm maybe missing out on that communal experience. Like, oh, well, it's 10 below. Right. Right. I've been because it kind of gets foggy. It gets down to, what, 65? Yeah, sure.

And then I moved here. So, yeah, I've never, like, had to deal with snow or shoveling it or anything like that. Well, I'm from Atlanta. That's where I grew up. And it does – we get all four seasons and it snows every year. But the benefit of that – if one snowflake falls in Atlanta, it's like, shut the city down. No school. No nothing.

And so for me it was awesome because it was just like a day off school. Shut the city down. No school. No nothing. And so for me, it was awesome because it was just like a day off school. But I don't think I could ever be anywhere, like I said, like Chicago or Wisconsin or whatever, where if there's 10 feet of snow, they're like, business as usual. Get to work. Yeah. Because, like, no.

Even in, like, Jersey and New York, like, we really never had anything. I can think of, like, one time in high school, it just snowed so much that we had the entire week off of school. And that was when Chrono Trigger came out, and I just played. It was the greatest week. I'm going to go on record as saying it was the greatest week of my life. Greater than the day you got married was the day it snowed a lot and Chrono Trigger was out. You know what? She knows that.

That's why I married her. She's very understanding. No, that's true. Wait, what is this guy? He's got to pay to get his dad's car fixed? Yeah, because he ripped off the handle. Yeah, I think he was saying that his dad works in a not. Yeah, that was sarcasm at the end.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Dad, not a wealthy man. Probably tearing off the door handle. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, kind of benefits of some of those cold weather places, Midwest especially, is the sausage output. So that's why he mentioned that. We were trying to think of the benefits of – Wait, how is that a benefit? You can eat sausage anytime you want, adults out there. I'm just letting you know, regardless of temperature. Yeah, I mean like in LA, the boutique sausage place is kind of a trend these days. They're all over the place. But they don't seem to come close to those Midwest sausages.

Is this all true? I don't know any of this. This is a true thing? Totally. Sausage is a trend right now. Oh, yeah. Here? Yeah, I have no idea.

Oh, yeah. You get yourself a nice sausage. Maybe it's made out of – this is the L.A. version. Alligator. Alligator. Maybe a pheasant. Maybe a rabbit. Are you – this is the L.A. version. Alligator. Alligator. Maybe a pheasant. Maybe a rabbit. Are you, this is, people eat those things when they have no other choice.

Yeah, I know, yeah. That's what, what? It is a weird cultural tourism thing. It's like, hey, I'm eating something you're not supposed to. And to make it worse. And for dessert, you use a handful of mosquitoes. You just reach into a jar, you get a handful of buzzing, angry mosquitoes, and you put them in your mouth. Wash it down with a craft beer.

But there's that place downtown, and it's just like you go in, and it's kind of like a big German beer hall where just like a bunch of communals sitting. I forget what it's called. It's called Wurstekie or something that's hard to pronounce. Something impronounceable. It's something, yeah, that I have not pronounced right there. The worst part of it, if I may, is you walk into that room and it's just like somebody's spinning. So it's like this horrible, you walk into really loud house music. Maybe they only do that on the weekends, but it's just like the most.

What? And then you eat your alligator slash rabbit pheasant sausage. To a soundtrack of house music. Yeah. Boy. How not authentic, by the way, is that? Like a German sausage place is playing house music? Yeah, boy.

Here's something I run up against a lot living in West Hollywood. Oh, yeah, that's right. We live like right around the corner from each other. Yeah, we're basically neighbors. Let me know if you've experienced this or have noticed this. Like it seems like, and I don't know how long you've lived there, but – I've lived there like four years now. Okay, yeah.

So, you know, like West Hollywood for a long time is primarily gay. Sure. But, you know, it's starting to be – and I don't want to call it gentrified because that's not it, but whatever. But with more straight people. Yeah, straight gentrified. Sure. Yeah. So, you know, it's kind of becoming more not exclusively gay.

Right. And there are like, you know, it used to be the only bars within walking distance from my house were gay bars. Oh, yeah. But it's kind of, you know, there are now some kind of just general interest bars. Not exclusively dick. Penis or vagina. Interest. Yeah, yeah. Right. If your interest isn Not exclusively dick. Penis or vagina. Interest. Yeah, yeah, right.

If your interest isn't exclusively dick. And it's general. I will know, like a place will open up and you're like, oh, this is a cool place. I could hang out here.

Right. And then, and you know, my like ideal bar soundtrack is maybe like, you know, maybe like The Jam

or like Early The Cure before it gets too mopey sure or you know kind of those like kind of those like you know punky hits of the late 70s right like that's that to me if like you can just string those together that's the soundtrack to my life totally on board oh yeah like early elvis costelloello. If there's some early Elvis Costello. And like I found this place and it was doing that. It was good. Good beer selection. And then just over the weeks, it started to turn into club music.

And it just slowly started to turn into club music. They gated up on you. Yeah, you just got to. I mean, it's a better business move. I mean, there are more straights now, but there's still more gays and they're still fucking drinking harder than we do. Yeah. Like, so, I don't know. Just throw on the club music, I guess. Oh, my God.

It's so, life is really hard for a white straight guy, isn't it? I know. You guys don't know what I go through. I'm sorry I had to. I mean, especially one in comedy, too. I gotta say, though, I'm all for keeping that hood gay. Because as a single woman, I love that I can walk the streets of West Hollywood at like 2 in the morning alone and no one is looking at me. No dudes are checking for me.

It's like the biggest race for me zone. If they are, they're judging what you're wearing. Exactly. Like, it's not menacing in any way. It's fantastic. If they yell anything at you from a car it's those shoes yeah or that i'm fierce or something so i'm like let's keep oh just compliments yes no i you know and i would hate to see it turn into a hipster den or a frat boy den or

you know whatever a thing in la would turn into right uh but yeah it, it was just nice for a little while to have a general interest straight guy. Yes. But I don't know. Brian, we have another call? Hello,

Jordan, Jesse, and delightful guests. My name's Jeff from Chicago. I just finished looking through the Get Rap Report

episode and I realized I had a point about my city. So I called a friend of mine who lives in Seattle. Got a job offer and I'm moving in five months to Seattle.

Immortal power, plug it in. Congratulations, Guy. I think the point we were making was that if you like weather and seasons, but don't like door handle breaking cold, Seattle's a good bet. I like the idea, by the way, now of a weatherman, of that being a guy on TV being like, it's going to be a door breaker out there. That's how cold it is. Put some scarves on your handles. We're going to be breaking some car handles today. Right.

Yeah, Seattle, I'm generally pro. I've been there a few times for work. It's always been a blast and a half. Yeah. I dated a guy that lived there once, and so I went to visit him a lot, and it was fun. And you long distanced from? We long distanced for a bit, and then he moved here. Yeah.

That's just the kind of power my junk has. Sure. Your junk has the power to make a guy buy a $189 Alaska Airlines flight. He drove, okay? The gas cost more than that. No, but I loved it, too. Yeah, what a fun place to have a long-distance relationship person. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Person. Yeah. That was the only reason I chose him. Right. it too i i yeah what a fun place to have a long distance relationship person yeah oh yeah person yeah that was the only reason i chose him right because he lived in seattle yeah once he moved here i was like i'm bored snooze no it was great i'm not the hugest fan of constant rain that's the only thing is it does rain all the time but again the result of that is everything there is super green and beautiful so yeah that's the trade off. But yeah, I liked it a lot. Yes. Oh, I was gonna ask this was you mentioned living in Manchester. How much of that had to do with Morrissey? Like 98% of it? Like, let's be honest.

April, noted Morrissey fan. It absolutely Yes, a ton of it had to do with that. But everything I like is from like factory records and new order and joy division and all that and when i did live there i lived at a friend's house like totally illegally like not at all yeah on the up and up you didn't have a work visa no no i did not work i crashed at my friend's house and he was like not into the smiths and stuff but on and you know i couldn't drive or anything like that so i would get him like every day like oh we take me to this place in this way like all these places name checked in Smith songs and he would just be like what that place sucks why do you want to go to that place I was like Morrissey said it in this song and some of them now are just straight up like housing projects and stuff so

he'd be like you wanted me to take you that's a terrible part of town I'm like I don't care Morrissey hung out there in 1984 let's go yeah I I had this – when I was in – I worked in New Mexico briefly for a few days and was like – had this fantasy of leading a Breaking Bad tour around New Mexico. Sure, sure. Of like, okay, this is the housing development where this happened. I feel like that's an actual thing. I feel like I'm – I would not be surprised. Breaking Bad fantasy tour?

I'm kind of not kidding. I feel like that's an actual thing. I would not be surprised. Breaking Bad fantasy tour? I'm kind of not kidding. I feel like somebody recently was, I either read about it or somebody was talking about they actually might give, but then I'm like, how can that be? If anything, that's a handbook like, hey, do you like meth? Come on this tour.

We'll show you where to get the best stuff. Oh, maybe, yeah. Maybe that is code for, right. But I feel like that might be a real thing. Have you seen this ganja party bus driving around LA? No. And I see it in might be a real thing. Have you seen this ganja party bus driving around L.A.? No. And I see it in West Hollywood a lot. Is that painted on the side?

I don't know if it says ganja party bus. It says party bus, and ganja is strongly implied by the paint job. The A's are like weed leaves? Right. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, it seems like maybe that is operating under a similar kind of – Where they take you to get like the best weed or something? Yeah, I don't know or just – I don't know where this party bus goes.

I just see it driving around and I wonder what – I don't know why just the concept of a party bus makes me laugh anyway. Yeah. Like a weed one. I don't know. It's just – it's too weird. Right. Let's party on this bus.

Like I don't know. It's just, it's weird. Let's party on this bus. That's so weird to me. Yeah, because when has it ever been a privilege to be on a bus? Yeah, and it's like, let's have a moving party. I don't know. It's a weird thing to me. Brian, do we have any more calls? One more. One last call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse,

guest. This is Matt from New Hampshire. I was just, I'm in a new part of the state. I'm still sort of getting used to the state. I haven't been here too long. And so I was using my GPS to get around. And I almost missed a turn. It's kind of a side road.

And so I sort of slammed on my brakes. And I was going a little faster than I thought I was, I guess. Because I did one of those huge burnout spin, like, you know, slide to a halt going sideways kind of breaks where everything's squealing and like this huge noise came out. And it was for nothing. Like, there's no cars around. There's no reason I couldn't have gone further and turned around. But now I smell burning rubber and I just can't stop laughing. So that was a lot of fun.

I felt like I was Vin Diesel for a minute. Okay, bye. I've got to say, first of all, that's called a Tokyo drift. There's a name for that. All right. Use the correct terminology. Yes, yes. Your fans have zero respect for cars.

That's true. It's like this guy isn't living his life a quarter mile at a time. But that's what Vin Diesel would do. WWVDD. and the answer is always punch a guy just punch a guy or growl out a line boy it's amazing how those Fast and Furious movies took five movies to get good. Isn't that amazing? Like how? I stand by the first one. Well, I've seen almost all of them in the theater, like opening night.

Yeah. It's like an experience. Oh, interesting. How did that start? Well, you know, obviously just the first. You were friends with Jordana Brewster. Yes, we're very close. No, I mean, it was just, know, just, that'll be funny to

go do, and then it was like sold out opening night, and it was hilarious, because yeah, everybody I think that, I remember the theater also being kind of split evenly between people like me, like goofing on it, and then people legitimately into it, and so, yeah, I mean, it'd be like an applause break when the

car crashes, or when he punches a dude, people are like, yeah! So, it was kind of awesome. I get the impression like an applause break when the car crashes or when he punches a dude. Sure. Yeah. So it was kind of awesome. I get the impression when I watch those in L.A. that it seems like it has a big Hispanic fan base and it's like something will happen that has cultural significance to the Hispanic community and people will cheer and I don't understand what it is. It'll just be someone saying something like, you know, if you make four rights, you go in a complete circle. What? This has something to do with quinceañeras.

I will say I did understand the reference in the most recent one when they were in Brazil and they showed that Jesus statue. Can we please make a movie in Brazil that doesn't show that, has the shot of that Jesus statue? No, Brazil requires it. Brazil requires it. Every movie they're like, they do the thing, the crane coming over the Jesus, like, oh yes, we're in Brazil. I think I've said this on the show before, but that

Jesus statue I have been up to and they light it up. Did you high five it? Right, exactly. I flew up. They light it up. Did you high-five it? Yeah. Right. Exactly. I flew up. They light it up at night and it's a really spectacular sight like looking down on it. We're looking up at it from the city. It's really beautiful.

But what those lights do is that when you go up to see it in the daytime, Jesus' base is basically covered in dead bugs. So his base is all like dead moths who were flying to those lights. Sure, right. Anyway. So it is like, isn't it in a weird way like Jesus killed those bugs? Or like people are sacrificing them? Yeah, right. It's like hard to extract a metaphor from that.

I find it hard to extract a metaphor from that. I find it hard to believe that there's not somebody with the job to actually, truly, and literally wash Jesus' feet. Oh, right. Wash the bugs from his feet. With hair. Yeah. To be a woman with her hair. I can only see that statue and think of the Onion, Our Dumb World, where they're talking about Brazil and how violent it is.

And somebody photoshopped Jesus holding two Uzis. It's just the Jesus statue with Uzis. Oh, yes. Brian, is that all our calls? Well, hot damn. If you'd like to give us a call, 206-984-4FUN is the number. We'll be right back on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jim Fastante is at Skinamax or End Times. And I'm April Richardson, still the outrageous party animal, always. Guys, thanks so much for coming to party today. Yes. Thanks for having us. With me, with us. Yeah, it's been super fun. Jim, your great new comic, The End Times of Bram and Ben, out now at your local comic book store?

Is there a better place to get it? I mean, you can get it digitally. If you, like I, read on your tablet of choice, you can go to Comixology or the Image app and download book one for End Times and then book two, which ups the violence. Lots of angel-demon fights start happening. Comes out in the middle of February. Oh, terrific. It's a four book miniseries.

I probably should have said that sooner. You know, you said it now. Because it's on image, do you guys have, can this become a part of the larger image averse? Like, can you fight the Savage Dragon or Jim Lee's Wildcats? Yes, and there will be a Walking Dead crossover.

Oh, good. One can only hope. Oh, that's what I – I'm sorry. I've got that right, right? Image comics of Savage Dragon and Wildcats? I think so. I think so too. There is a character in our book that is modeled on you.

Oh, do tell. Yes, because there was originally we wanted to do this as a web series. And Jordan Morris, being one of the funniest people that I know, we wrote a part for you. And we never got to shoot that because we just decided, oh, we'll turn it into a comic and then ended up having. You should at least let me draw the character. That's the least you can do. We have the art style be totally different

and bad just for one page we sent our artist your photo as a reference for this character so it's like this guy with a big afro

who became Latino but it's well I mean you got my you got my fiery temper right he loves guns oh great

so me to a T Latino a Latino gun nut that's funny You got my fiery temper. He loves guns. Oh, great. Me to a T. A Latino gun nut. That's funny. So there's a similar situation. There's a Grant Morrison comic called The Boys. Does that ring a bell to you? It's probably not Grant Morrison, and I'm going to get a lot of angry Twitter.

So fucking bring them on, assholes. Toni Morrison? Yeah, a Toni Morrison graphic novel called The Boys. Van Morrison. Van Morrison, yes. Van Morrison, Toni Morrison collabo. And when they were making the comic, the artist was a fan of Simon Pegg. And this is before Shaun of the Dead. This was back

when simon pegg was just a you know british sitcom star so they this character looks remarkably like simon pegg and uh you know like this comic has kept going and simon pegg has gotten more famous so like automatically if they make this movie um simon pegg has to play it. So yeah, I thank you for doing this. Or I curse you when the Latino version of me gets the part. April, you'll be doing some stand-up comedy at various cities

around America. Where can people see you? I'll be at the North Carolina Comedy and Arts Festival the first weekend of February. Now what can you tell us about the arts? I don't want to hear pottery scrimshaw. Painting live on stage. Comedy and Arts Festival, the first weekend of February. Now, what can you tell us about the arts? I don't want to hear like pottery, scrimshaw. Painting live on stage.

Yeah, so I'll be there the first weekend of February. And then the second weekend of February, I will actually be at Sketch Fest. Lovely. So that'll be fun. Do you know the venues? Or I'm sure people can just go to SFSketchFest.com and find tickets. Yeah, you can do that. You go to my site. I have all the shows on there too.

Sketch Fest, I know the Punchlines one. I know I'm on a storytelling show somewhere. Yeah, I don't know details and times. But I have a calendar on my website. People should go to your website. They should just go to my website. If you live in San Francisco. Constantly.

The Northern California area. That's right. Or North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina, yeah. You should go to April's website. Yeah, otherwise, if you live outside of those places, don't bother. Fuck off. Just a straight fuck you.

Well, guys, thanks so much for coming in. And in theory, Jesse will be back next week. So come back for that on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye.