Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 261: Gendering with John Ross Bowie

Episode Date: February 4, 2013

Actor and comedian John Ross Bowie joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of loud kids toys, hippie college experiences, folksy things, and Jesse's new code of ethics.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know how I would describe the weather today? Overcast. Temperate. Oh, okay.

Surprisingly temperate. My description was more clinical. Old Jesse Thorne in his purple prose. Yeah, mine was poetic. I like to think of it as poetic. Okay. I'm Wendy Carlos Williams for my time. Wait, Wendy Carlos, William Carlos Williams?

I've conflated in that the famous poem, the famous poet, and the person, the transgendered person who did Switched on Bach. Oh, terrific. The electronic music pioneer, Wendy Carlos. I don't know about that. Wendy Carlos was transgendered? John Ross Bowie, we have not introduced you yet. Oh, my gosh. I just introduced John Ross Bowie.

How are you, sir? I'm well, thank you. I'm baffled and my mind is blown. Wendy Carlos was one of the first famous transgendered people in the United States. Really? Walter Carlos, I want to say, was her original name. Really? Yeah. I got to go back and listen to that weird switched on Bach cassette that my stepmom gave me to curry favor in the early 80s with a whole new perspective.

Your stepmom had a really bad plan going into that favor, Curry. Bless her heart. She really kind of whiffed that one. Yeah. There's some like classic getting to know the stepkids gifts, baseball mitts, two-wheeler. To her credit, I guess what she was thinking is, I mean, again, recognize what time of the 20th century this was. This was the early 80s.

She also gave you a Tron helmet. She gave me a Tron helmet and she gave me a lot of cocaine. There was a synthesizer. You know, as a package, that makes sense. A Tron helmet, a bunch of blow. Oh, yeah. That's a weekend. Awesome, awesome weekend.

Yeah. And if that's in a nice gift basket. Yes, it was, of course. Individually, it's a little strange. And a cassette of Switched on Bach because she saw like, oh, you're into synthesizers. And at the time, I kind of was. It was the era. Did you own a synthesizer?

No, I did not. I just liked listening to them. I was into a lot of Depeche Mode, Howard Jones, Thomas Dolby, that kind of stuff. How did you feel about theremins? You know, I hadn't discovered them yet. Thomas Dolby, that kind of stuff. How did you feel about theremins? You know, I hadn't discovered them yet.

I didn't really discover theremins until I had a friend do, like, the necessary, like, sit down and really listen to the Beach Boys. No, I mean really listen to the Beach Boys in college. My friend Michael Galvin turned me on to the theremin and its many uses and then pointed out where I'd heard it elsewhere. One time this theremin guy came to be on our show when we were in college. Were you around that time? I don't know. Start the story. There was a famous theremin player.

Not famous. Let's be clear. I was going to say, yeah. Because the famous theremin player is theremin, the guy. And then after that, it's all B-cuts. Oh, I'll say I was watching a video of a recent Fishbone performance. Fishbone, still around. Yeah. Lead singer will take a little pause and play the theremin.

Sure. And it's awesome. Anyway. They're leaders in the black theremin movement. Sure. So this theremin guy. There is one lady, as I recall from having watched a documentary about Theramins at one point in my life, there's some lady who's like 80 years old who is the sole remaining theremin virtuoso trained by theremin. Yeah, that's right.

The film is just called Theremin, right? Yeah, I think so. We've seen the same one. Okay. He used to do our show, The Sound of Young America and The Olden Times, who was a theremin, who gave theremin recitals, did theremin performances, and toured as a theremin artist. And he would play theremin outdoors. This is insane. This is like he might as well have been playing it on a recumbent bicycle. Like he might as well have been playing it on a recumbent bicycle.

But he was – and when I found – I read an article and maybe in the campus newspaper or something about this theremin guy. And I thought, well, this would make a fun Santa Cruz segment for our show. He's local. We'll bring him up to the station. We'll talk to him about theremins. He'll play some songs into the microphone or whatever. Local color. Yeah, local color. As I recall, he showed up half an hour late, hour-long show.

Shocked I am. In Santa Cruz, the devil you say. And he had a real attitude. Wait, was he a little high? Was he maybe a little high? No, he was too geeky to be high. Oh, infuriating. He had probably built this theremin.

He had a beard. He was older than I expected. He was, I would guess, mid-30s, but I think he was a Santa Cruz student of some kind. Not a lot of graduate programs at UCSC, so. Yeah. But he had a real diva attitude about playing his theremin. Fascinating. I love Santa Cruz because, well, a couple of things.

One, I love that everybody who went to Santa Cruz, spent time in Santa Cruz, makes a recumbent bike reference at one point or another. Seth Morris does it all the time. He's a UC Santa Cruz 95, I want to say. And he's constantly referring to the middle-aged guys on the recumbent bikes, and it's fascinating to me. But I went to school at Ithaca College, which is very much an East Coast Santa Cruz hippie town. A lot of people go to the college and then just stay in the town and just hang out.

And there's such a – it's a real like – Because it's chill. It's chill. It's super chill. As I understand, Ithaca is gorgeous. That is correct. It is that. But it's also just incredibly like – all college towns are pretty lefty.

But like Ithaca was actually a little too liberal for my taste. Sometimes I'd be like, OK, you know, you're in a museum. Put some shoes on. It was that kind of thing. And it was it was and there was this incredible like they had a socialist mayor. And I don't mean like, oh, that guy is, you know, like the way we call the president a socialist. I mean, the guy ran on the socialist ticket and won. And was he like appropriating land from rich farmers?

You would think. And giving it to the working class? Well, he was – when he wasn't burning down factories, yes. No, he was just this guy who happened to be running on the socialist ticket. It was Hugo Chavez, wasn't it? It was Hugo Chavez. He has a winter home in Ithaca, which is the worst idea ever, now that I've said it out loud.

But Ithaca is such like a down-home, quiet, small business-oriented community. They have their own currency. They actually do, where you can only spend it at local businesses. Like Disney bucks.

Like Disney bucks, except the absolute opposite. But you can use it to buy a bong. You could totally use it to buy a bong provided it is a locally made bong. But they're so – they so don't cotton to outsiders that they kicked a Ben & Jerry's out of downtown. Wow. Like Ben & Jerry's was too corporate for them. And they were like, get out of here, you screws. Right-wing values.

Yeah. Like that's how like insular and hippie that town is. And whenever I hear stories about Santa Cruz and the few times I've been there, I'm always like, yeah, this is Ithaca with better weather. This is awesome. One of the things about it is that it is, you know, like, there are things about it that we laugh and joke about all the time about Santa Cruz. Sure. And the years that we spent there. It is a very pleasant place.

Oh, totally. Like is a very pleasant place. Oh, totally. Like a very pleasant place. Like all of these things, like the worst that I find myself ever saying about any of the ridiculous Santa Cruz stuff, you know, like people, the shoelessness and that sort of thing. Right, right, sure. You just kind of go, hey, guys, don't wear any shoes. Give me a break. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

That guy's got free Mumia tattooed on his forehead. What's the harm? What's the harm? Come on, sure. You know what? I will sit through a couple of your songs. What am I doing? By all means.

But how does – the idea of – my idea of Santa Cruz and a hippie town, it will not correlate with a harsh winter. Like I picture hippies dying in droves. I know. You would think. But here's the thing. They do a lot of natural fabrics layered. The hippies are very adaptable. Oh, very adaptable.

They're essentially nomads. Right. Adaptable. Oh, very adaptable. They're essentially nomads. Right. And as such, they are able to adapt to their circumstances very, very well. A lot of them are furbearing.

I guess there's a lot of like group living that goes on. So like worse comes to worse, you just sleep in a pile. Absolutely. Also, blonde dreads, very warming. Sure. Very warmer than regular dreads apparently if I'm to judge by Ithaca. But you're absolutely right. You're like, well, you will have to put shoes on at some point.

And the answer is not necessarily. No, they were pretty sturdy. Is there a no – are there people walking around without shoes? Because if you went there in college, you were there in the winter. Yeah. Were there people with no shoes in the winter? Yeah. I would see people down on the commons, which was this little paved over like – I would call it a passenger mall, a pedestrian mall, but that sounds so corporate. It was where all the vegan eateries were within walking distance of each other.

And, yeah, you would see people without shoes in crazy, crazy weather. So like parka, homemade scarf, snow pants, no shoes. Yes, very much. Scarf, snow pants, no shoes. Yes, very much. And then like those particular kinds of ponchos that we used to call drug rugs, which with like a little pocket in the front where you can put both your hands and keep them warm that way. Drug rug. So you'd see a lot of those.

And yeah, it's a weird, weird little town. Have you been back since having graduated? It's been a while. But yeah, I went back once. been back since having graduated uh it's been a while but yeah i went back once um my wife was visiting some friends in in nearby oswego and we uh we we visited ithaca and it's still you know lovely and there is amazing you know stopping in the moosewood for their cashew cashew chili you know right it's it's there's great stuff there but it's so goddamn hippie and everyone and there's and that's like the first place where I really smelled patchouli en masse. Right.

A lot of it, like really overwhelming. Like, oh, my God, I actually think I'm going to start developing migraines because of all this patchouli. And, yeah, it was eye-opening. But it kind of – coming from New York City and then going – where I grew up and then going to Ithaca, it mellows you out. Like I don't know what kind of rage issues I'd have and I've got some anyway, but I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for the four years of like forced meditation that Ithaca provided. Well, there's something nice about having an opportunity to be the moderate. That's true too.

In a situation where a bunch of hippies, if they've gone out, they've hippied it up 10 out of 10. Yeah. They all live in their bucky domes and so on and so forth or their yurts. Yeah. And then you can just go and just be like, hey, I'll take that but with meat in it. Yes, exactly. And you can enjoy it. They put so much effort into making it taste good despite not having any meat in it.

You put some meat in it. It's amazing. It's fantastic. Are you kidding? With this spices? With this whole flavor platform? Are you kidding? It's great.

And I'm talking – I'm speaking here metaphorically. No, but literally too. I think there's a lot to be – most of those dishes could be spruced up with some carnitas. And also there is something – What dish couldn't be spruced up with a little carnitas? Nothing comes to mind. No. There is something to being be in like oh all of a sudden i'm the suit sure how did this happen i mean i mean growing up in orange county i was i mean i feel like i was the hippie at my high school i bet you were orange county is a really conservative area right very

yeah uh yeah just like from having a thrift store T-shirt. What town? Mission Viejo. Okay. So kind of near your Laguna Beach, Dana Point-ish areas. I got you. Yeah. So yeah, I definitely felt like in Santa Cruz, I'm like, oh, I'm like a stuffed shirt around here. Like I'm a square.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. No. And I was kind of like one of like the- Because I haven't had sex, group sex with my cast of an independent flash mob Rocky Horror Picture Show that just picks a spot downtown to put itself on. I'm so hard right now. Yeah.

That's phenomenal. Yeah. And you're not a 17-year-old survivor of group sex also. Sure. Yeah. No, I think there is a lot to being like the feisty rebel. Exact opposite. Same sort of thing.

The feisty rebel in New York is really like bound for Wall Street in Ithaca. Yeah. It's a remarkable sort of like grades you want to curve sort of situation. And everyone that makes up these places has really cleared a path for you. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah, sure. It really isn't. You can deal with that. Totally. Sure. That's a workaround. You're fucking a yurt. Sure.

Absolutely. I really would like to go back to Santa Cruz. I haven't been back since graduating and I just can't think of a good excuse. And like I always think about like, well, when I'm up there, what would I do? Like if I was up there for a long weekend. Well, you'd bring your letterman's jacket. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Because you lettered in football.

Yurt sex. Yurt sex. Sure. Yeah. You know, the difference between just passing yurt sex and lettering in yurt sex is if you find some way to knock over the yurt. Okay. Sure. So that's the –

You would think that – That's when you make the Dean's List. That's weird. You would think that yurt maintenance would be just the baseline for lettering. But no, I guess actually you excel by knocking over the yurt. And that's so subversive right there. Totally. That's so subversive.

Yeah. I'm like, OK. Well, I want to see – now that medical marijuana is legal, I want to see a Santa Cruz medical marijuana clinic. Sure. Although I can't imagine it being any, you know, super stonery than the L.A. ones, which are— Ten to one, there's no armed guard. Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Or maybe there's a guy with a rain stick doing some capoeira. Yeah, who will just give you really bad vibes if you try to rip the place off. Not okay, man. Make you feel real bad. Mellow-harsh, man. Make you feel real bad. Mellow harsh, man. It may be because I live on the east side of Los Angeles, but all of the medical marijuana dispensaries near where I live have a real Cypress Hill vibe. Yeah. I mean, that's definitely a genre of medical marijuana.

Yeah. Right. Exactly. The kind of like cholo vibe. Yeah. I mean, the place that I go, you know. I'm saying that in Santa Cruz, you get a real white medical and marijuana experience. Exactly. They give you medical marijuana and then a nice shrimp scampi.

There are a couple of genres that you're absolutely right. There is like the place that is kind of Cholo. There's the place that kind of wants to remember when even medicinal marijuana was illegal. So like you got to open up a little doorway, a little like view hole in the door and have a code word and stuff like that. And then there's the place that wanted to look like any other pharmacy where there's an enormous guy with a Glock in the front. Right. And they're so – like this is just a Rite Aid but here's this guy who's trained to kill you. This is admittedly a little bit from my stand-up comedy routine, but the lady at the place I go to, as you're leaving, always make sure to go, hey, I hope you feel better. Oh, that's amazing. That's the other great thing is how everyone is keeping the artifice afloat of medical marijuana.

Right. I hope your quote-unquote back pain or whatever horse shit you told a doctor is going to clear up soon. Sure. Fit 30-year-old guy. Good luck with that anxiety. The place I've been to a couple of times in San Francisco is is is a weird outlier that I have never seen before. It's like the gastropub version of the medical marijuana place. Like all the guys have little bow ties and really fucking handlebar mustaches.

It's called the Apothecaria and it's got all these like chandeliers and it's like the, you know, it's like the boutique marijuana place. You know, when I was in – It's like if they had a burger, it would be $15 and have truffle oil on it. Sure, of course. Like it's that kind of place. I was in Berkeley for the first time in 98, 99, 99. And I just bought a pot cookie in front of Amoeba. I really did.

Like there was a guy with a stand that said, pot cookies. I'm like, you're selling pot cookies? He's like, yes, I am selling pot cookies. Do I need it? They also had a used section. Yeah, they did, unfortunately. Yeah. Great stuff, though.

Dollar bin. Found a lot of out-of-print pot cookies. And so I bought the pot cookie. It's like colored. I was going to try and make a colored vinyl joke, but there's nothing that – there's no one-to-one. There's no corollary there now. We'll cut that part. Yeah.

But, yeah, so I had this cookie and then went into Amoeba and I think I spent like 40, 50 bucks or something. Oh, yeah. Just like everything looked amazing. It's like moments like that where you're walking and you're like, oh, yeah, why don't I own more Roxy Music? And on the way home you ate eight CDs. Yeah. You spent $40 in Amoeba? You must have bought two or three CDs.

Well, this is 40 1998 records, though. This is a while ago. But yeah, more than that. You're right. No, I might have been supposed to. Because I left with a bunch of shit. And I remember later that day- It was all Brian Ferry related.

It was probably all Brian Ferry related, if I had to guess. He's a handsome man. He looks good when you're high. He looks good when you're high. He looks amazing when you're high. Great dresser. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Cow. It's Jordan Jesse Cow. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio suite.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, John Ross Bowie, you have to introduce yourself. John Ross Bowie, sommelier. John Ross Bowie, by the way. Good nickname. Beloved sketch comedy and improvised comedy actor. Now a television star? Yeah.

I would say you're probably top-lining a smash hit TV show probably. I don't know what show business is. I am not top-lining it. I appear on it occasionally. I'll take television person of note. Oh. I will knock you down from star, and I will take person of note. Oh. I will knock you down from star and I will take person of note. Sure.

You are notable enough on television to where weird conservative guys will bait you on Twitter. That is correct. That is correct. Is that true? I am just famous enough to attract and just mouthy enough. And again, you know, I'm pretty right wing compared to rest of Ithaca. But yeah, I do. You don't think a dog should be able to be president?

I don't. I really draw. I draw some lines. They think it should be able to as long as it's wearing a bandana. I'm actually going to stop at gay marriage and I don't think we need to go from there to bestiality. I don't think we need to go from there to bestiality. And the – John, we should explain. You're on a very popular television program from time to time when you're on it.

That is correct, yes. It is the Big Bang Theory program, correct? That is correct. And so this is a show – The Big Bang Theory program in Nana. Thank you. Yes, that's correct. The thing about this show is it is one of the only shows left that lots of people watch.

It is kind of the last, like, big unifier in that way. Yeah. As far as comedy goes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what that means, the second tier of that meaning is that weird randos watch it. Yeah.

Weird randos watch it. Like, I'm sure people from Archer don't get a lot of people upset with that. Oh, Archer. It's so funny you mentioned Archer. I was binge-watching Archer last weekend. I was going through the first season. It's so good. It's as good as it gets.

Yeah, well, no, I think there's two things going on. I think what happens is something awful happens in the news. Somebody gets on Twitter, starts looking for the hashtag guns, then finds the person with the most amount of followers who's tweeting about guns, that's me, and then picks a fight. And it was purely a coincidence that you were tweeting about guns. You were just describing some guns.

I was just talking about my guns, my arms. I was talking about my biceps. Yeah, I wasn't even political. You were talking about a dentist visit you had and you accidentally missed. The N is right next to the M. Yeah. The N is right next to the M. So, yeah.

I'm bleeding from the mouth. Hashtag guns. Yeah. Oh, shit. I meant to put gums. Now it sounds like I've shot myself. We've had a lot of problems on the Bullseye Twitter account recently. With that very issue, people not knowing the difference between an at sign and a hashtag or pound sign number sign.

And so they will write something about gun rights and then they will write at bullets at bullseye. Oh, dear. OK, so you're just sitting there and you're just you're literally caught in the crossfire of this debate. I am. Yes. I'm literally caught in the crossfire. That is amazing. But I mean, then you can just direct that angry NRA guy to your interview with Amy Mann,

which I'm sure he would really enjoy. Sure. Yeah. I think he did get a kick out of that. He thought that she was surprised at how revealing she was. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, NRA guys are really into like kind of alternative-y folk rock. Massive overlap between NRA fans and Magnolia fans. You wouldn't think, but there's a huge, that Venn diagram just nudges up against each other. Absolutely. So what kind of, now what kind of people are getting upset with you? Just, just randos? are getting upset with you? Just randos? Troglodytes.

No, that's not fair. Honestly, a lot of people who are – we're swimming into thorny, thorny waters here. He said mixing his metaphors. But I mean to be fair, if a body of water is thorny, like that is pretty – You're in deep shit, right? You're really in trouble, right? Especially if it's salt water because that's – you're in for a world of pain. Exactly. So I think that's actually rather poetic.

I stand by swimming into thorny waters. I think I've got a nice little turn of phrase there. You know what? I think you should use that for a rock lyric that a critic for Rolling Stone will really enjoy. I think so. Take that, David Frick. The thing that I get a lot of flack about, I am a 13-year member of a union and I'm very proud to be a union. I think unions are important and a lot of people get very mad at me about that.

You're a teamster, correct? I'm a teamster. Well, look at me. I'm a teamster and an IATSE now. No, I'm proud SAG-AFTRA, 13 years. And then before that, I was in the teachers union. I was in the United Federation of Teachers for one year. I almost qualified for the retail union when I worked at Macy's, but then I quit.

Oh, really? Yeah, that's right. That's right. They're a union shop too, aren't they? Yeah. So I defend unions a lot. I don't have a problem with guns in toto, but I think there are some guns that civilians don't need. I get a lot of static for that. You think there are some guns that only union members should be allowed? Ideally.

These are anti-Pinkerton guns. Exactly. I don't – I'm scared of Pinkertons and I wish they would be finally once and for all made illegal. And I – you know, the standard things – I'm a standard issue Hollywood liberal. I – listen, here's the story of me. Let's hear it. I grew up in New York City in the 70s. Here's what happened. Yeah. My parents got divorced and then David Berkowitz –

And just dropped you off at Studio 54. Pretty much. Yeah, pretty much. But then David Berkowitz started going crazy and shooting people up in the Son of Sam murders. There was a guy with a shotgun running around New York killing random people. Terrifying when you're six or seven years old. I saw the movie Summer of Sam. So you get the basic idea.

And then my mom needed a job and her gay friend Andy and his boyfriend Larry got her a job. So at a very early age, I go, OK, guns are really scary. Gays aren't. Boom. Gays will employ you. Gays will employ you. Guns will kill you. That's case closed. That is my political epiphany in a nutshell. And everything kind of just comes off from there. And there's people who have a different vision for this country, he said, as diplomatically as he possibly could. Can I tell you something about diplomacy? I signed a –

Can I tell you something about Diplodocus? It was the longest dinosaur. Continue. I signed a new contract for my public radio program with a new public radio distributor. And as you listen to this, it will probably be public what that distributor is because I think it is planned that it will be announced the day that we put this out. However, I don't – I'm there really, really keen to keep it private. So I shan't say what the new distributor is. Fair enough.

So I shan't say what the new distributor is. Fair enough. However, I will say that one of the conditions of my signing this new contract. You're making it sound like it's the mafia. It's the Cosa Nostra. Right. It is actually a contract on a man's life. Wow.

Yeah. So they will distribute your public radio show as long as you take out the guy who's muscling on their heroin turf. Yeah, well, this guy just wasn't... No, it's not a heroin thing. This guy just wasn't paying his protection money. Gotcha. Oh, sure. Oh, so this is like a really classic mafia. Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is the guy that I'm supposed to kill is a first-generation

Jewish immigrant who's a greengrocer. Oh, okay. That's kind of... see, I find this all rather quaint. No, I – Just look out for that Elliot Ness. I am now officially required to abide by a code of ethics, a journalist's code of ethics. Oh, dear. So when I was with Public Radio International, their standard policy was that I was an entertainer and for that reason could basically do anything I wanted.

As long as Scott Joplin's The Entertainer was playing in the back. Yeah. Now, because the new distributor considers itself to be and is one of the great news organizations. It's Al Jazeera. Oh, my God. It is Al Jazeera. You and Current, I guess now, huh? It's Al Jazeera. Oh my God. It is Al Jazeera. You and Current, I guess now, huh? It's 60 Minutes 2.

Sad. 60 Minutes 2 just makes me sad. Go ahead. I didn't know there was 60 Minutes 2. You didn't? No. What happens on it? Charlie Rose. Wow. Okay. It's mostly Charlie Rose. I saw Charlie Rose on, I downloaded, I'm going to get back to my public radio distribution situation in a second.

I downloaded an interview with David Letterman from the CBS Morning Show. And it was conducted by Charlie Rose, who I guess is just their go-to. They're Barbara Walters. And Charlie Rose did a very good job in his own special way. But what was truly amazing was watching Charlie Rose be on a morning show. Because Charlie Rose is just not prepared to engage in levity. No, he's not. Especially not first thing in the morning.

He's in a black room all the time. That's how I see him. And if he's backlit at all, I'd be really freaked out by that. Well, let me tell you, don't watch 60 Minutes 2. Yeah. But I will say he's probably drunk all the time. Oh, yeah. I can't say that for sure.

I've never met the man. And you certainly can't say that on your new NPR show because that's not journalism. I haven't disclosed what my new distributor is. Sure. Of course not. my new distributor is. Sure, of course not. But I was astonished to watch Charlie Rose make morning show banter with his co-hosts.

It was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen. Did they all have big glasses of Chardonnay in front of them? It was not quite that. He doesn't look like the sort of person who would be into that sort of like light ease you into the morning kind of chat. Not at all. Not in the slightest.

OK, so back to my thing. I am now obliged to live my life by a journalistic code of ethics that includes doing nothing that would appear to compromise my journalistic integrity. Wait a second. Can you donate to political campaigns? Nope. Wow. Yeah. That you donate to political campaigns? Nope. Wow. Yeah, that's what got Olbermann fired. Yeah.

I can't do anything. I no longer have a- But you can wear a pink polo shirt, right? Guys, ask me about a hot button political issue. Do you think there was a cover-up in Benghazi? You know what? I'm interested in finding out the truth. Amazing.

I think there's two sides to every story. Wow. Ask me about a very controversial topic. Fuck you. Benghazi wasn't? I think I'm doing my job here, man. Ask me about one that most people agree on, though. Oh, I see.

So, Jesse, do you think that people who are cruel to animals should be punished in some way? You know what? I don't believe in issue advocacy myself. I'm looking for the truth as a journalist. Wow. Yeah. I like you like 20 percent less right now, I have to say. This is uncanny.

Isn't that weird? That is really weird. And this is my life now. Do you have to exercise that kind of diplomacy on this show? Everywhere. Everywhere in my life. That's the thing is that the whole political campaign thing because Olbermann obviously didn't get on the air and say, oh, I've given to this person. That sort of stuff is public record.

And so that's what got him fired off of MSNBC. So if he does something here, it can reflect on the other show. That's bananas. And Olbermann was a commentator, which I am not. Interesting. So it's Olbermann's job to have opinions on the issues in public. In my case, I am something like a reporter because of my interviews with Amy Mann. Sure.

And so, yeah. So I have no political opinions from here on out. Let me make something very, very clear. Yeah. Amy Mann knows more about Benghazi than she's letting on. Let me make something very, very clear. Yeah. Amy Mann knows more about Benghazi than she's letting on.

And she can do her cute little, oh, Sharpling directs my videos. Don't ask me. She's hiding something. Now, does that extend to Twitter? Yeah. Wow. It extends everywhere. No, he's not fucking around. Are you going to do a little purge of controversial opinions?

I don't think I'm going to purge historical controversial opinions. of controversial opinions? I don't think I'm going to purge historical controversial opinions. I mean, I've shared, I generally don't talk about my politics in public. But I think people could infer some portion of my politics from my past behavior.

You know, my past hearty endorsement of San Francisco values, for example, as a native San Franciscan. Did you grow up in San Francisco? I did grow up in San Francisco. Oh, cool. But I no longer share those. I'm all about fair hearing for everyone. And I'm going to try and find a conservative artist or entertainer so that I can interview them on my show.

Oh, wow. So that one Zucker brother then. Yeah, really. Say hi to Adam Baldwin, man. You're going to make a time. Stephen Baldwin? Oh, Stephen. Well, actually, Adam, who is not a Baldwin, is super conservative. Oh, right. Adam Baldwin of Chuck and Firefly. Yeah. He's rather extensively right-wing.

Really? Yeah. Vocal on Twitter about it too. Wow. Chuck Woolery. Chuck Woolery. Yes. Famously. And Chuck Woolery will also do amazing things like he'll accidentally tweet at himself.

He has that potent combination of being really quite old and new to Twitter. And he will occasionally be like, at Chuck Woolery, where? Question mark. And you just leave it there. So, I mean, what do you plan on talking to Jon Voight about? His strained relationship with Angelina Jolie. Sure. And deliverance.

Well, no, I would probably focus more on Varsity Blue. Bold choice. Bold choice. James Van Der Beek. Yeah, no, I get it. It's a deep cut, but okay. Sure, sure. Do you guys think that on

60 Minutes 2, Andy Rooney's segment is called Andy Rooney After Dark? Like it's sexier? Isn't Andy Rooney dead? He is dead, yes. Yeah, I mean, that's what I mean. Okay. Like, you know. That is your point. You mean after the darkness that comes with time? Right. But hasn't he gone into the light?

No, not Andy Rooney. Andy Rooney's in hell. Andy Rooney's in hell. Yeah, right? He doesn't get Venetian blinds. No, Andy Rooney's – but Andy Rooney's hell is filled with – well, there's frankly a lot of Twitter. Yeah. And –

Minor modern technological changes. I imagine. I think is what Andy Rooney's hell is composed of. Push-button phones, Twitter. And fuck cell phones. Like push-button phones were too much for him. That just crossed a line there. And no one buys nice stationery anymore.

No, they certainly don't. No one spends money on nice stationery. Satan, whatever happened to pencils? They make him type all his correspondence. Of course. I should hope so. Man, he was hard to watch. He just died recently.

He died in the past 12 months, 18 months. Well, the thing about, I think the thing that made him difficult to watch is that his great gift was to take the tone of an everyman, but as his demographic represented less and less of the American population. Less and less of the living American population.

Because the thing about Andy Rooney, the first time we were sort of like red flag was, me anyway, was when Andy Rooney came on the week after Kurt Cobain killed himself and said, well, I've never heard of this guy. It was, oh, Andy, that's not great. You're kind of in news. And I mean, I know you're not a spring chicken, but we thought, well, you know, listen, that's not great. You're kind of in news. And I mean, I know you're not spring chicken, but we thought, well, you know, listen, he's wrapping it up soon, so let the baby have his bottle.

16 years later, he was still on the air, hanging in there. 16 years after Kurt Cobain was dead, Andy Wooden was alive. Does anyone remember how elegant blimp travel was? I miss a dirigible. Why should one come for a duration?

Yeah, he was fascinating. But yeah, he hung on to the bitter end. And he didn't really retire, did he? He like did a 60 Minutes and then died on a Tuesday or something. I think that's pretty much what happened. Yeah, he was right, like hung on there. What's the story with IVs? What does this obsolescence word mean?

What's the deal with right arms? Why can you never feel them? Can I notice how someone's always sitting on your chest and there's no one there? What's this sinister voice always calling your name? Oh, that's the devil. Are you ready? I almost did a legitimate spit take in your lovely recording studio. Can I bring up something on the topic of folksiness?

Yeah, absolutely. I saw something delightfully folksy the other day that I still kind of go back to when I need a little burst of delight in my day. Was it a man wearing overalls but not a shirt? Because I saw that earlier today. Did you? Yeah. But you went to see an afternoon performance from Dexys Midnight Runners at the racetrack, right? Entirely your fault.

They're underrated. And oddly enough, they were doing Lil Abner, so it made perfect sense that they were shirtless and – even if they're not usually in shirtless. Nothing wrong with a Down Under soul rendition. Ska and rock influences of Lil Abner. The folksy thing I saw was I was in Griffith Park the other day and I saw two boys who appeared to be brothers, maybe six and eight. When you say brothers, you mean African-Americans? Yes, two. You can't say with certainty whether or not they were African-Americans.

Well, I'm just so tolerant. Okay. I'm just so tolerant. You don't see the world that way. I don't know if you're a man or a woman. It's white being in Ithaca right now. Step into my yurt. Oh, no, no.

Jordan fucked me to death in his shirt. Yeah, I'm getting my master's. And so two young boys, maybe five and eight, six and eight, and they were doing that thing where they had a shoebox propped up on a stick. The stick was attached to a string. Right. Some food was under the box, and they were trying to yank out the stick when a squirrel went under the box. Wow.

And then they were trying to get the local kids to help them whitewash a fence. Right. And then they had a fucking bullfrog jumping contest. What the fuck? This blew my mind. And then they found themselves in King Arthur's Court. That is remarkably down-home and folksy for Griffith Park. It was so folksy.

And then the really adorable thing was they sat there and really lost patience with it and then the smaller boy just picked up the shoebox and was throwing it at squirrels. Amazing. It really – I'm like where did they learn how to do this? Like I mean what – That's the larger question. Yeah. What modeled this behavior?

Whittling camp? Yeah, right. Like are they – do they have some sort of weird Luddite parents who only give them like toy soldiers and tricycles or something like that? And the only game they know is Mumbledy Peg? Right. exactly. Like, has that thing gone so far to where people, like... But no, I mean, they just were dressed normal. Like, they weren't wearing, you know, pantaloons and jaunty caps or anything.

Like, they were just dressed like... They were at least chewing on straw. Oh, of course. I can relate. They weren't drinking out of a jug. I would like to raise my child as a jug drinker. Yeah. And I'll tell you why.

It's because every contemporary toy is a fucking nightmare if you're the parent of the child that owns it. That is gospel fucking truth right there. Why? When did America decide? Who are the parents going to Toys R Us, looking at the things, and finding that button that makes it make a horrible nightmare sound and picking it? And also, who are the parents who went and said, you know, this bike is fine. Why doesn't it need batteries for a little display of princess castles that goes around the steering wheel? There's all sorts of dumb shit now.

My kid has a monkey. My boy, my three-year-old has a monkey that my wife got for him at an airport. She was coming home. It was one of those things like, oh, Christ, I've been out of town. I forgot to get something for the kid. Grab something at an airport. It's a little monkey. It says Atlanta on its chest.

You squeeze the monkey's hand. Well, no. Hang on. She brings it home. All is well and good. Gives it to him. He thinks it's really cute. We go in there to check on He thinks it's really cute.

We go in there to check on him as he's asleep that night. She goes over to kind of adjust the monkey because he's kind of like on top of the kid's face. This time is the first time anybody touches the monkey's hand. When you touch the monkey's hand, it gives off a cackle like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It sounds like that. Wow. Wakes up the boy. Wakes up the girl, his sister, who he shares a room with. And Ted Turner's voice says, welcome to Atlanta.

I guess that would be only slightly more terrifying than what we heard. So this horrible high-pitched monkey cry that sounds like it's from some fucking Dario Argento Italian horror film. Just some barking out of this machine. And we're like, what the fuck? And I'm in the other room. And we're like, what is happening here? And my son is crying and this is horrible. And it's a delightful rainbow colored monkey, but it gives off this ghastly sound.

I don't know why that happens. Why do they build that in? I guess just someone looks at two monkeys next to each other. One has the nightmare cackle built into it. One doesn't. And just some part, some lizard brain wants the one that has one more thing yeah there is something like oh that has extra stuff it's terrifying it's extra terror and i'm supposed to give this to my child but i want the stuff with extra stuff i don't remember

having sound toys when i was a kid but yeah it seems like every toy now does have a bank of sound effects. And they also, all of these toys have theoretically educational sound effects. And I can assure you, my son is learning nothing from these sounds. No, nothing. Nothing at all. And also, this is sort of a related note about child rearing and child contemporary child development. Let's get into it, man. When we talk about educational priorities, I live in an urban environment.

I don't think it's that important that my son knows the sound that all the barn animals make. No, I agree. But that is clearly the top priority that America is pushing on my child. Above reading and writing, above walking, above recognizing danger foods. Oh, I had a speak and spell. That was the noisiest thing that I had. I just, yeah. Anyway, sorry.

Go ahead. No, but you're right, though, because there is no need. My child is not going to come across anything that moos. What is big farm animal? Why are they trying to teach us these sounds, teach our children these sounds? And it's not big agriculture. It's big farm animal, because big agriculture is just interested in killing the animals. So that's two different entities going on there. Yeah, it's very it's a very strange, strange conspiracy. There's a play school version of the gun that Javier Bardem uses in No Country for Old Men. So a kid can pretend to slaughter his own cows. I should hope. Yeah. Yeah, there's all sorts of weird little priorities, and there's not enough shit that they could really use.

There's not enough just basic counting games. But everyone's got to – we apparently have to know that a duck says quack. And I've never actually heard a duck make a sound. I'm in my 40s now. I've never actually heard a duck make a sound. And the one time I have, it didn't really sound like a quack. So that's not even that accurate yeah it seems to be it's a really weird shifted

priority the thing I was going to say about what you were talking about with the quaint kids down in there and scrapping trapping squirrels there's no like when we were growing up and I know there's a bit of a gulf between the three of us but we're around the same we could watch a lot

of this literal gulf because you're taping in the Dominican Republic right now. Yeah. And it's lovely here, by the way. For tax reasons. It's a shelter. I've Girard Dipper dude the United States. I don't want him coming after my sizable income, Uncle Sam. We could watch the same television that our parents watched. Like I had ready access to The Andy Griffith Show and I had ready access to I Love Lucy. Your parents just sat around watching The Andy Griffith Show? Apparently. Are you 65 years old?

Well, no, I'm not. But I can be 41 and my parents can have been of the age where they were watching The Andy Griffith Show. I watched a lot of I Love Lucy and that old Batman, that 60s Batman. 60s Batman was on all the time. And I'm not – that's not my age. That was not on the air for the first time when I was growing up. But the reruns were. And the rerun as we know it is virtually obsolete because there's tons of other shit to watch.

And I am of the we only had four channels generation, which I realize dates me horribly. Of the we only had four channels generation, which I realize dates me horribly, but it would not be crazy for me to have picked up on some like Mayberry frog trapping. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm really baffled where these this five year old and eight year old kid in contemporary Los Angeles figured out how to trap a frog. Sure. Yeah. I mean, it had to have been like an instruction from a dad or a grandpa or something. Here's the thing. My concern about this. Or a mom. Moms can trap squirrels too.

Absolutely. I'm sorry I gendered that. My concern about this is that they will trap a squirrel. Yeah. And it'll rabies them. That's the larger issue. Yeah. The larger issue in that he will totally rabies the shit out of them.

Yeah. Oh, potentially bubonic plague the shit out of them. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. From squirrels? Chic plague the shit out of them. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. From squirrels? Chippermunks, for sure. Really? Yeah.

They carry the plague. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's like the number one thing that carries the plague is a chippermunk. Huh. If you're fucking with me, you're so committed, I don't even care. A thousand percent true. All right. All right.

Yeah. I did this as a kid, but I had a paper bag and put some food in the paper bag, and when the squirrel would go in, I would try and grab the bag shut. And it happened – it succeeded exactly one time. Would have scared the shit out of me. And it was the most terrifying thing ever. The squirrel went fucking nuts, and I never did it again. We had to put a mousetrap out in my, a glue mousetrap out in my apartment when I was growing up. Yeah.

And both my mom and I are terrified of rodents. And so we put this glue trap out with the idea that it would be more humane even though we're just going to throw the glue trap out and the mouse is going to die eventually. He just won't die. It won't be decapitated in our kitchen. But we hear this horrible

scraping one night and we both get up. It's post-divorce. My dad doesn't live there anymore. We wander out to the living room in front of the light. And the mouse has got just its hind leg stuck on the glue trap and is crawling across the floor dragging the glue trap. Worst thing ever. Had to put that into a bag and take it downstairs while the bag was kicking. Just horrible.

Horrible. Scarred for life. How did we get there? Oh, the shitmunk, right. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I mean, I guess, yeah. I mean, it didn't look like these kids were going to catch these squirrels.

But yeah. Did it look stupid to you? Huh? The kids just looked stupid. Oh, no, they looked great. I thought it was delightful. I don't mean to put down the kids or squirrel trapping in general. It was easily the best part of my day.

So listen, six-year-old and eight-year-old kid who's probably listened to Jordan and Jesse go, we mean no offense. No. What you were doing was very cool. Yeah, good for you. Super cool. Hey, did I tell you that you remember our ten-year-old fan? Did I tell you that he sent me an email after I mentioned him on the show the other day? Oh, that's great.

He's now 15. We've been doing this show a long time. I guess so. Still a big fan. People have been able to watch us grow up. Still a big fan. Oh, great. Moved to Los Angeles recently.

I invited him to stop by sometime. Oh, terrific. Yeah. How do you like that? It's me. 15-year-old. It's actually me. Oh, Lil Jon Bowie.

Hi. I just poked my cheeks as if this is a visual medium. And for some reason, his beanie with the propeller, the propeller started spinning around. It did. Woo! I would like to teach my child to do old-timey things. Yeah. I have no skills or patience.

The best I could do would be to teach him to watch M.A.S.H. That's noble. I think that's noble. Teach took a... Teach him how to enjoy a slower sitcom. Yeah, a slower and maudlin sitcom. When sitcoms used to be really melancholy, sitcoms used to be really like 70 sitcoms are like

dark as hell. A lot of social issues. There's an all in the family where this Israeli politician gets blown up across the street from Archie Bunker. Look it up. I'm not making it up at all. Gregory Sierra was the actor. Really weird.

Really weird shit. We did a thing the other night where I just had to turn the TV off and we went into the kids' share of room. They're five and three. And I just turned a flashlight on and we made shadow puppets on the wall. Got to say that killed an hour. An hour? An hour. What kind of animal are we talking about?

Well, I make a killer dog. Killer dog? I make a really good dog. You make a Cujo. Look at that. I make a great looking dog. Killer dog! Right?

That's pretty good. There's one light bulb in the room here, so it casts an imposing shadow. That was nice. Yeah. And apparently, if you're five, this is like stairway to heaven this is the most amazing thing ever this just blows your kids were shrooming at the time oh they were shrooming super hard you had synced it up to i put on dark side yeah i put on dark side just as i started doing it but then i did then they discovered that the closer you get to the light source the bigger your shadow gets and if you're like two and a half feet tall, your whole life is about being bigger.

So like Walter, my three-year-old, just got up and he was like, giant baby. So he started saying, giant baby. It was awesome. It was really awesome. They are, you know, they are. That's so funny. That's so funny that the three-year-old was okay being called a baby. I know, right? Yeah.

I usually think of like – because something that I think is funny that amuses me to no end is when you call like a toddler a baby. I'm like, hey, look at that baby. For some reason, I just think that's funny. But then the toddler or the parent always gets a little bit insulted. It's like, well, no, they're a big boy. Apparently, my son can do bits. Oh, wow. That's great. Apparently, my son can do bits.

I don't know. I don't tell you. Listen. I mean, Giant Baby is a solid bit. Giant Baby is a solid bit. Giant Baby is probably a season worth of bad TV. I mean, we can all pitch on Giant Baby. We can every pitch.

I'd love to punch up Giant Baby. Give that to Will Sasso. Hell, by any means. Will Sasso. He will. Oh, shit. He will blow that thing up. That is just the guy.

I'm going through the Mad TV cast in my head to see if I can find anybody better, and I cannot. No, that's the man for Giant Baby. He's the guy for Giant Baby, isn't it? You know, I mean, you could talk about it. There's a lot of different Mad TV cast members that could probably handle my son's bit where he puts something on top of his head that's not a hat, and then he says, hat. Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking Bobby Lee just off the top of my head

sure I'd like to well you know again you're limiting it though I'd like to see Nicole Sullivan's take on it no you're right you're right

again you're gendering you're gendering the shit out of that it's not okay I'm sorry to gender it is not okay Santa Cruz you're gendering my son also there is a lot to be said

sorry for but you called him a son but that's his right oh okay he can use that word when I call him a son it's S-U right. Oh, okay. He can use that word. When I call him a son, it's S-U-N. Oh, right.

It's because he's the light of my life. Ew. Can I ask you a question? This is an important gendering question. Sure. For gendering children. And as a prospective father, Jordan, I know that you're having a lot of unproductive sex. Yeah, sure.

You're doing a lot of raw dogging these days. I just, fingers crossed every time. Right. Let this be the one. Let this be the stranger I knock up. Yes. Let this be the round of casual sex that turns into something more. So a family friend has a charming young son of three.

Okay. Maybe he's four now. Three or four. And he is a big fan of the television program Dora the Explorer. Okay. You guys know this show. Sure.

Is it Explorer or Explora? Dora the Explorer. Dora the Explorer. It gets off on a bad foot because it does ask your child to mispronounce Explorer. Yeah. Right out of the gate.

Well, maybe. I would say that it's hosted by a Boston Brahmin. That's great. Who puts the R at the end of Dora. Sure. Dora. Dora the Explorer. Dora.

Great. Perfect. So he's a big fan of Dora the Explorer. Was at the Target or what have you purchasing underpants. Sure. Saw the Spider-Man underpants, the Batman underpants, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, you're getting the story. You don't go on.

No, I wasn't. Okay. You don't go. I wasn't. Yeah. The kid wants Dora the Explorer underpants. Okay. And so, and again, I have no opinion on this or other controversial issues.

So they bought him Dora the Explorer's panties, little girl panties. Okay. Which he wears. I see. To school and stuff. Okay. How old is he? He's three or four.

Okay. Three and a half. We're going to be saying this. I'm going to compromise with three and a half. Okay. Sweet kid, Great kid. Loves Dora the Explorer. There are no Dora the Explorer.

Boy underpants. Boy underpants. Right. An additional consideration, boy underpants and girl underpants are different. Yeah. Although they're not as different for a three and a half year old. Right. Because they have a small dick and balls.

Sure. Sure. They don't need a dick and ball area. No. As much. They have one, but they rarely have ever used it. Right. Yeah.

Okay. That's a tough one. Yeah. I mean, I remember as a kid, I was very into He-Man's girl analog She-Ra. She-Ra, sure. And I had a lot of She-Ra stuff that bordered on girly. She had like a unicorn that she rode and some kind of dress-up-y like stuff. I mean it was all kind of – it was all still kind of action-based and battle-y. And I in turn made myself Wonder Woman bracelets a la Linda Carter.

That sounds like an amazing yes and. It's not. It's the truth. Here's the thing. I am on board for both of these things. A thousand percent. Also, his peer group isn't going to give him that much shit at that age. Right.

If my son came up to me, if my son even was at the park, was really into Barbies or whatever, I'm not that into Barbies just on moral grounds. Sure, sure. But, you know, whatever. It's not a gender issue. Whatever a highly gendered toy is. You can get him some of the HBO girls action figures because they have a more reasonable body image. Exactly. My Lena Dunham.

Yeah, Lena Dunham. Finally. Yeah, nude leader Dunham. Finally. But if Mike Sean wanted a gendered toy that was female gendered, I would have no problem with that at all. I'd totally be on board even if he was old enough to get shit. I mean I might have to explain to him that he might get shit for it. Yeah. But I still would be fine with me.

And then poof, you've made a comedian. Yes. However, there is a difference between boy and girl underpants for wieners and balls. This boy does have a wiener and balls, I think.

Do you? Hard to say at this point. Well, let's be candidly, does anyone here use the little dick hole or do you just tuck the elastic underneath your dick and balls

while urinating? I use the dick pouch. He's the dick pouch. All right. Yeah, I wear a boxer brief. As do I. So, yeah, I pull urinating. I use the dick pouch. He's the dick pouch. All right. Yeah. I wear a boxer brief. As do I. So, yeah, I pull it down.

I pull it down, yeah. I pull it down, too. I'm not saying that I go – I'm not speaking specifically necessarily about the pass-through. I'm talking about the fact that the cut is enabled – Built to accommodate. It's built to accommodate a protuberance. A protusion, yes. Okay.

I understood. Okay. Yeah. You know, you – well, again, you cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now, he's not particularly well hung and he's got a really respectable peer group. So I don't think – I think he's in a pretty – he's in kind of a nice little safe haven right now. Yeah, I think he'll not – it seems like something a kid would grow out of at the appropriate time. Yeah.

And also let me make something very clear i would never have cast dispersions on the size of your your kid's genitals had you not brought them up first i don't want you to think my friend's kids my my son is an enormous cock oh great okay my son's cock is like no mine is hung my husband's like an elephant right incredible yeah he looks like an elephant's trunk, right? Yes. Fucking prehensile. Yes. Yeah. No, he's – He can peel a banana with it. Yeah. No, my son's dick has tusks. I'm really, really proud of him.

Sure. My son's dick is a ruminant. It has multiple stomachs. It can process tough foods. Yeah. No, he's very adaptive. He's like a hippie. It's a very adaptive cock, and it can

it's got an exoskeleton. Sure. He can kind of use it like a sling, so when he goes to the grocery store, he doesn't need a bag. They go paper or plastic, he goes, don't sweat it. Thunk. Brought my own. Yep. Can I tell you something?

Going back to this nightmare monkey in your house. Yes. I learned something really wonderful from our friend Al Madrigal's great podcast, The Minivan Man. It's a dad show about dad stuff. And our friend Al Madrigal told this story about, you know, as a stand-up comedian, he's often on the road for work. Yeah. And so he's often coming home to his kids who are eight and five, I'm going to say, from my memory. I've met Al.

That sounds about right. They're both in elementary school. Nice kids, really sweet kids. And he said he would always bring back a toy, and it was always hard to figure out what it was and what it should be. Yeah. hard to figure out what it was and what it should be. And then they would have this house full of crap toys that he bought in uncomfortable circumstances, like at airports or on the way to airports or in comedy clubs. Great. So a lot of shot glasses with the name of a city on them.

Exactly. And one day he was at the airport and there was nothing. So he just bought two Snickers bars. Amazing. And he brought these Snickers bars to his children. And he said it was the biggest hit of anything he has ever brought his children home from the road ever in history. And so now he's like, well, from now on, I'm just going to buy them chocolate at the airport on my way out.

I don't even have to buy it at the airport in the place. No, yeah. Fuck you, Minneapolis toque. You'll take what you get. You'll get your Snickers bar and you'll enjoy it. And they will be, and he said it was the greatest success, like the greatest tip and trick he's ever had in his career as a father. That's fantastic.

Good for him. I know. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had more of those moments? Yeah. Where we're getting our kids. Jordan, you would have these with Bug, your cat. Sure. I can't give her chocolate.

No. She's allergic to it. Maybe when you finally knock up one of these comedy groupies, I think the two of you will be very, very happy giving your unwanted child chocolate. Yeah, right. Because that's what you want about a kid who is the target of all your resentment. You want to sugar them up a little bit. Yeah, right. Get them real fat. Yeah. Daddy's chubby problem.

As an aside, Jordan, usually you teach improv at Max FunCon. You want to teach raw dogging? Sure, yeah. I mean, there's not a lot to teach. It's one of those things you kind of have to do on your feet. It's kind of a teach by doing situation. You could probably do some sort of like small little five-person colloquium or something, right?

I should think. Do it on your back. I mean – well, I mean I guess – I mean there's a materials issue. Is there a yurt available to me? Yurt? Well, there's a Zen deck. We can inquire if they could put up a yurt available to me? Yurt? Well, there's a Zen deck. We can inquire if they could put up a yurt on the Zen deck. Okay.

I mean, I guess I could bring yurt materials. Sure. You guys do it, what, up in Big Bear? I can erect my own. Yeah, Lake Arrowhead. Lake Arrowhead. You can probably find, like, an anibi. Oh, sure.

A longhouse, maybe? Yeah, some sort of Native American sweat lodge that would be able to accommodate you and your hot fuck action. Now that you mention that, I usually do go up there for my potlatches. And I think you could find a nice totem in a longhouse. Sure. For your raw dogs. For your raw dogging. Yeah.

Oh, I'll need an easel, too. Just there's some diagrams. Sure, sure, sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. John Ross Bowie, sommelier.

Hey, we got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. That's right, we do. It's a fantastic all-ages comic book called Pantelonis, Texas. It's by the wonderful comic book writer, Udi Mercado. It comes out on February 26th. You can get it at pantalonistexas.com. He actually sent me an advance of this thing, and it is fantastic. Really funny. It's kind of all ages in the way that Adventure Time is all ages. It's not like a Shrek where there's a joke in it that a kid wouldn't get, but it's just something really, really fun that I think a parent can share with a really cool kid. Oh, that's fantastic. So Pantalonis, Texas, and they're having a book release party for it during South by Southwest, March 9th at Austin Books and Comics. You can find the time and more information at PantalonisTexas.com.

Oh, that's fantastic. Thank you to Pantalonistexas. We do have – if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, by the way, go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. Cheap and easy. Sponsor this week, boatparty.biz. Hey, Jesse, what is boatparty.biz? Boatparty.biz is a great website with a picture of a boat and a place to type in your email address. That sounds like a lot of fun.

I think everyone should – all right. I'm going to change this. Young people across the nation are going to the website BoatParty.biz, looking at the great boat and typing in their email address. It sounds like a lot of fun. It is. It's one of lot of fun. It is. It's one of the most fun websites you can visit. How does this affect your clout score? I can only presume that it will make it skyrocket.

Yeah. I'm not 100% certain what a clout score is. But if you go to – It's hard to say, really. I'll give you this. This is what I call the boatparty.biz promise. If you go to boatparty.biz, you will see a picture of a boat. And there will be a space to enter my email?

You got it. Okay. And a button to click once you've done so. Oh, alright. Good, because otherwise it'll just sit there. This is a full-service website at boatparty.biz. The most important website of all time. I'm sold.

Great. I'm going there right now. Say no more. Fantastic. As long as everybody out there goes to boatparty.biz, we have access to the visitor logs. We can tell how many people have visited. I know how many people listen to this show.

So don't fuck it up. Don't not go to it. Yeah. Hey, once you go to boatparty.biz, you know what's a fun thing to do? Type in your email and click the button. You got it. That sounds really fun.

Can you think of anything else you could do after you did that? Just look at the boat. Just marvel at the boat. Absolutely. Can you think of anything else? Jerk it. Maybe you could do that. I mean, if you had a vivid fantasy life. I'm with Jordan on this one.

Yeah, I mean, it's not real vivid, but yeah. Let me get something clear here. I'm sitting in my computer. There's a browser window in front of me, right? Right. Yeah, jerk it. Yeah, jerk it. You know, jerk dick?

I was going to say tell a friend. Oh, no, that too, sure. Well, that goes without saying whenever I'm constantly, now that I've got your numbers, by the way, you'll be hearing from me because I tell a friend whenever I'm jerking it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, it's kind of masturbatory. I mean, I was suggesting to other people. You wouldn't want your jerking it to be masturbatory.

No, I draw a line. It gets so self-indulgent if you're not careful. I was suggesting that you could tell somebody about boatparty.biz, but you're saying that you want to tell other people about your... My jerking it, yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah. Because A, I'm good at it,

and B, it's a lonely craft. I mean, I think Jordan understands what I'm saying here. Sure. I just think it's best shared. Would you ever... Mind you, I don't necessarily call to talk about my jerking. Sometimes I'm just going to catch up, and you can be like,

oh, hey, John, what's going on? How are the kids? And, you know, what's going on? How are the kids? What's going on? Have you seen any good movies lately? And you can tell from my breath. Cadence. Yeah, my cadence, what's going on, and then you'll know. But that means I've called you while I'm jerking it.

So do you call sometimes when you're not jerking it just to keep things ambiguous? Oh, yeah, of course. Certainly. And again, you'll be like, no, he's speaking in an even measured tone. He doesn't sound like he's perspiring. Clearly, he is not jerking it. All of this stuff is going to happen to you when you visit BoatParty.biz? What's BoatParty.biz?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. John Ross Bowie. I feel like I should mix it up. Don't have to. Sommelier.

It's a good nickname. Sommelier is a good one. Who are you recommending vino? Oui. This is what I call wine. Oui. When something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they call us. At 206-984-4FUN.

By the way, when I was in my contract negotiations, they asked for a fax number. We do not have a fax machine here at Maximum Fun World Headquarters. So you just gave them the fax number to the Russian passport place? You can send. That's where I go when I need to send a fax. The kink goes down in Wilshire? You can send faxes to our voicemail. So they were like, what's your fax. The king goes down on Wilshire. You can send faxes to our voicemail. So they

were like, what's your fax number? And I'm like, this is going to be weird, but it's 206-984-4-FUN. You didn't figure out that. I couldn't remember what the letters were. So I literally told them 206-984-4-FUN. But we ask that people give us a call when something momentous happens or

moments of shame. Or if they just want some straight talk routines. Sure. Or if they just want to get something off their chests. Admit to a murder. That would probably be a moment of shame. Sure. That depends on who they killed. Well, that's true. Maybe they killed someone who really had it

coming. Like, I don't know, a Jewish immigrant. First generation Jewish immigrant green grocer. Who hasn't placed protection yeah something really noble like that gotcha let's let's take a listen to the first call we'll find out this is ryan from california i'm calling in with a momentous occasion um i am a very tall african-american man and um usually i get stopped on the street by people asking, wow, you're so tall. Do you play basketball?

And usually they're disappointed when I tell them, no, I'm actually just an art student. And then they say, oh, that's a shame. Well, for the first time, I was stopped at a grocery store by another African-American gentleman. And when he asked me if I played basketball and I said no, he gave me a high five and said, that's good. You're not furthering the stereotype of tall black people. So that's the first thing that's ever happened to me.

And I felt pretty good about it. So 2013, looking up. Okay. See ya. I think he misspoke. He said that's the first thing that's ever happened to him. Yeah. He's been in a bubble.

Yeah. But with really good nutrition. Yeah, clearly. I wonder what would have happened if he said that he did play basketball. Would the guy have shamed him? Hmm. I don't know. I mean, he's clearly delighted by the that he did play basketball? Would the guy have shamed him? I don't know. I mean he's clearly delighted by the I don't play basketball response.

I once had that conversation with Shaquille O'Neal. He told me he plays basketball and I told him he was a traitor to his race. I think you might have been a lot of line there. That's what caused it. I don't like to wade into the thorny waters of race politics. But I got to say that seems like you might have have like that might not be for you to say. You know, John, here's the part of the story you don't know. It was Jesse's dressing down that caused him to make Kazam.

Oh, well, there you go. Because he felt so bad. That he thought a subservient genie role would uplift the people a little bit more. I suggest he should go into law enforcement. And that's why he does all those ride-alongs. Okay. Famous for his enthusiasm for ride-alongs. Let's take another call, huh?

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Ken from Virginia calling in the midst of a momentous occasion. I'm driving home from work on I-66, and I am behind a minivan with the vanity license plate that says A-S-H-L-M-O-M. The only thing I can make out of that is asshole mom, and I think that's pretty cool.

That is pretty cool. That's pretty great. That's a really solid vanity license plate. I really wonder if that's available in California because my wife really wants asshole mom. I promise you she wants Asshole Mom. When I heard asshole, I was like, oh, this isn't going to go anywhere good. It went somewhere amazing. It went somewhere really great.

Asshole Mom. I mean, think about even how much more delightful Asshole Mom is than Asshole Dad. Right there. Asshole Dad is, you know. Probably a genuine asshole. He's probably kind of abusive. For one thing. You know, why is this?

Why do I think that the Asshole dad is an asshole to his kids, whereas I think an asshole mom is an asshole to other parents? Yeah, well, I think that's weird. That's gendering is what that is. Sure, yeah, I guess so. Moms could be assholes to their kids, I guess. But, yeah, I mean, I guess that's where the— There's something about the nomenclature where I immediately assume the asshole dad is being an asshole to his children, and the asshole mom will do anything, will be the biggest fucking dick in the world as long as she's defending her children.

God, we are unpacking a lot of suitcases. There's some shit going on, man. We are three white guys. This went a little deeper. In the entertainment industry who are really. I want to mention one thing about. From San Francisco, Orange County and New York City. So I think we know a thing or two about America.

Yeah, we know what America's like. I want to mention something thing or two about America. Yeah, we know what America's like. I want to mention something about Swear Word Mom. Laurie Kilmartin was on our show not that long ago, and we talked to her a little bit about her book, Shitty Mom. And she was nice enough to give myself and my wife a copy of her book, Shitty Mom. Oh, for sure. Not only does my wife love the book Shitty Mom, but she loved it so much that she's been buying copies of it for her other mom friends. So all I'm saying is if you're out there and you're a mom, you may or may not be shitty, but you're looking for some really high quality. You are definitely covered in shit. Yes.

If you're looking for high quality mom humor, my wife and multiple of her mom friends enthusiastically endorse shitty mom. It is a great blessing to them to have mom humor that is not crappy. If you'll pardon my vulgarity in saying crappy. That's really okay. I think we've said asshole

repeatedly in the past five minutes. It's strange that all of a sudden now... We had a big jack-off run there for a while too. It's strange that all of a sudden now... We had a big jack-off run there for a while, too. Yeah, yeah. I just... It's weird that you're apologizing for crappy. I feel uncomfortable saying it even. Cool.

I'm like, crap. I can't even... I can't even... It really shouldn't bother you. Yeah. Oh. Raw dogging. We did a big raw dogging thing.

The whole raw dogging thing. That's sex without a condom. That's the only... Maybe because it didn't realize. Did you realize that that's what it is, that sex without a condom? Wait, but didn't realize. Did you realize that that's what it is, that sex without a condom? Wait, but what does crappy mean? Oh, he meant, Jesse thought raw dogging was serving your dog unprocessed dog food.

Uncooked, unprocessed dog food. Yeah, like kale. Right. You know, dogs need superfoods. Yes, they do. Kale salad, blueberries. My pug loves a blueberry. Acai berries.

Acai? Acai. Well, how do Acai? Acai. How do you say it? Ackie. Maybe that's how they say it in New York City. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name's Megan, and I just woke up to pee like any normal person in the morning.

And as I was going into my bathroom, I noticed in the toilet there was a surprise mouse rat. Yeah, either a very large mouse or a very small rat in the toilet. And it was like there was was a dis-American life about that that actually happened. There have been legends that are real. And yeah, mouse rats in the toilet. They can come up through the toilet. Terrifying.

Anyway. Isn't the simpler explanation that it got in the toilet? Yeah, why is she assuming that it swam up from the bowels of the sewers? She keeps the lid down. Oh, yeah. You know, we don't know. She's probably got some inconsiderate lout of a husband.

No, Megan's super classy, and she has a super classy wife. She's a lesbian. Okay. Well, maybe that lesbian wife is a lout. How about that? Again, lesbians is a lout. How about that? Again, lesbians can be lout. Can be totally loutish. Her wife is probably Portia de Rossi or something.

Yeah. Portia de Rossi will piss all over the seat. She's terrible. I was a PA for the Ellen DeGeneres show, Jesse. And after Portia used the bathroom, I had to go in there with a mop and a bucket. A hazmat suit. How does that feel to you as a man afraid of rodents? I don't like that at all.

You know what I'm thinking? I might poop standing up and furthermore, I'm wondering if the mouse rat came out of her loudish lesbian wife. How about that? You've heard the term hang a rat. What if she literally went in there and hung a rat? I've never heard that term, but is the one? I mean, you've heard the term hang a rat. What if she literally went in there and hung a rat? I've never heard that term, but

is that like crappy? Yes. I hear lesbians eat a lot like pythons. They will unhinge their jaw and swallow their food whole. Entirely. That's science. Can we take another?

The movie Anaconda, speaking of John Voight, was about Ice Cube and John Boyd fighting lesbians. Who eat animals whole. No. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Megan again with the mouse rat. And I was trying to be pithy in my last message, but sometimes you want to know the ending of a story. Yeah, yeah. And what happened with the mouse rat is that I caught it with a small trash can and a piece of cardboard.

And I put it outside. So happy ending for the mouse rat. And I've got both a dog and a cat. And both of those jerks slept through the whole thing. Jerks. Do you think the dog and the cat put it in there? Larger issue, it clearly couldn't have come up through if it was still alive. Yeah, right?

I mean, how long can a mouse rat hold its breath? I'm assuming two, three hours tops. Sure. No, I think- They're like Navy SEALs. Yeah. It's in a septic tank or something. Huh.

Swimming around happy as you please. Sure. Eating poops. Having some poops. Have you ever read the book Stuart Little? Somebody flushed it down the toilet, but they used the wrong kind of glue, and the box came undone, and then it survived. Oh, that's right.

Okay, well, I mean, there is scientific documentation. Yeah, tell it to Gina Davis, asshole. I'd have said E.B. White, but sure, okay? Again, showing my age. I'm pretty sure Gina Davis wrote that book. Okay, right. Might haveB. White, but sure. Again, showing my age. I'm pretty sure Geena Davis wrote them. Okay, all right. Stuart Little. Might have been Hugh Laurie, but okay.

Oh, yeah, no, I'll play your silly little game. I'll play who was in the movie adaptation of Stuart Little game. Fucker. Arrogance in here. I mean, I'm glad. I liked the follow-up call. That was considerate. That was nice.

I mean, I'm glad. I liked the follow-up call. That was considerate. But I mean, I would like to encourage the people who are having three ways and having the more interesting experience, pay us that same courtesy. Right. You know, not that Mouse Rat wasn't delightful, but, you know. Oh, you want people to give you the end of the story if they've had some crazy, like. Sure. Okay.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Do you think she was certain that it wasn't a rat mouse? Could have been. Well, it depends what coast she's on. It's like a hoagie grinder thing. Sprinkles and shots. It depends which hemisphere you're in.

It goes clockwise. It also might be vaguely. South of the equator. Well, yeah. Rats come. Well, south of the equator, rats do come up from the septic tank, and then north they go down. And I think that's. I think most people understand that.

Again, science. Just basic. We should stop connecting all of our down pipes to all of their up pipes, by the way. Oh, absolutely. The time has come. I mean, for a lot of reasons. Well, don't look at me. No Obama. I'm telling you.

That's Obama's America for you, friend. We'll be back. Just rats swimming from coast to coast through pipes. Oh, shit. Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Hello, I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. John Ross Bowie, sommelier.

Boatparty.biz. Great. Sounds like a lot of fun. John Ross Bowie, it's been great to have you here on the show. Been really, really fun. Thanks for having me. I'm glad that you are a celebrity entertainer and you're starring in the most popular television show in America. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm no longer correcting people. I'm just going to own it. You're one of those biggest loser fatso's, right? I am. That's me. No, I'm on The Voice. Okay.

You look, I thought you were CeeLo Green. That is me. That is me. Well, you're not on The Voice. You wonder if something's crazy? I share a birthday with CeeLo Green. Oh. Not the same year, but same day, May 30th. That's a lot of fun.

Isn't that crazy? Do you share a birthday with any other members of the Goody Mob? No. No, I don't think so. It's entirely possible, since all of my information worldwide comes from IMDb, that if they don't have IMDb profiles, I wouldn't know this. But of the people who have IMDb profiles, the most notable is CeeLo Green. Brian Fernandez, can you let me know just real quick what Cujo Goody's birthday is? Would you agree with the Goody Mom that the good die mostly over bullshit?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I share a birthday with Mad Men's Christina Hendricks. Nice. Which I think will be a good opening line if I ever meet her. And I think it will lead to a long time. Is this some serious raw dogging?

Well, I was going to say a long time friendship, John. Okay, sorry. Is your birthday March 13th? No, May 30th. Oh, that's Cujo Goody's birthday. Sorry. No, CeeLo Green. That guy's got a robot leg now.

He does? What happened to his regular leg? Not CeeLo Green, Cujo. His good leg died of over bullshit. Yeah. He got in a car accident. He had his leg amputated at the knee. That's bullshit right there.

Yeah, totally. You know what? That won't stop him from rapping. No, why should it? Or being the backup singer, I guess, on CeeLo's weird

Goody Mob comeback song that he performed. They don't have hype men as much as they used to. thing. In hip hop. Well, he was singing.

CeeLo was singing. No, I know. I know. I'm almost on a sidetrack here. It was like a robot thing in hip hop. Well, he was singing. CeeLo was singing. No, I know. I know. I'm almost on a sidetrack here. It was like a robot Max Martin type song. Yeah. But it was a Goody Mob song.

But the other members of the Goody Mob are not singers. No. No, no, no, no. They're rappers. Talented rappers. Yeah. Well, I would charitably call them vocalists. Sure. Yeah.

I would call them a vocalist. I didn't understand why CeeLo was performing a weird Future Robot song, like a Robot Torch song, and it was the new Goody Mob single. I see. Seriously, though, why aren't there hype men who just come out and do the last word of every line like they used to? I'm now at a point where, like, you can sound like a tired old man while you talk about hip hop. That's where we are as a country, by the way. But, like, Willie D from Boogie Down Productions. Case in point.

Perfect example. You want a really committed hype man like that guy from the St. Lunatics that wore the catcher's gear. I don't know who you're talking about, but he sounds awesome. Nelly had a hype man who believed himself to be the greatest hype man of all time. And part of his commitment to hype manning was that he always wore catcher's gear. But doesn't, I mean, doesn't, don't buy, well, I mean, I'm backing up on what I was about to say. But like isn't, just by definition, if you're a hype man, aren't, don't they all believe themselves to be the greatest hype man of all time? But that's.

But he was committed to the art of it. Okay. I think that's what I'm saying. Sure. But he was committed to the art of it. I think that's what I'm saying. I think probably his only competition would have been Spliffstar, which would be Busta Rhymes' hype man. Sure, sure. Deeply committed hype man who has fancied himself a rapper for the entirety of Busta Rhymes' solo career. Not during the Leaders of the New School days. Right, yeah.

For a good 20 years now, Spliffstar has believed himself to be a rapper. I don't think he's even come out with a single. Wow. That takes remarkable restraint in this economy. It's just been saying the last word of the line of a Busta Rhymes song and occasionally getting like a two-bar verse. Wow.

That's like because they're buddies, right? It's because he's a real hype man. And you want to know who's carrying all of Busta Rhymes' guns and drugs? Spliffstar. I have to say, is it that the hype man thinks that they're the greatest hype or they think they work for the greatest – Right. That's what gave me pause. Yeah.

Well, the guy from the St. Lunatics, he was committed to the art of the thing. Clearly. That's where the catcher's gear. Clearly. That's why he wore the catcher's cap. Clearly. I guess at that point you have your own hype man to hype you before you start hyping. So they're essentially like valets. They're like Mr. Bates pre-incarceration on Downton Abbey essentially is what we're talking about. And I'm assuming everyone within the sound of my voice is conversant in hype men and Downton Abbey. I think Spliffstar probably has his own hype man.

Okay. Don't you? Spliffstar occasionally will do a club date. Got star right in the name. He Downton Abbey. I think Spliffstar probably has his own Hype Man. Okay. Don't you? Spliffstar occasionally will do a club date. Got Star right in the name. He should better have something. Uh-huh. Two R's. Oh, yeah.

If I'm not mistaken. By all means. Just like Brenda Star. Two R's, three P's in Spliff. His name is for Brenda Star. Strange choice. You lose a little bit of street cred when you name yourself for Brenda Star. Yeah.

My rapper name was Beetle Bailey. Because there was a pack on the horrible incompetent. Mine was the far side. Wait a minute. Wow! Is that why? Oh, mind blown! Oh my gosh.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our theme music Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go Brian Fernandez on the boards, our theme music, love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records. We'll see you next week and online at boat party. That is.