Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 262: Foxy Grandpa with Kimmy Gatewood

Episode Date: February 12, 2013

Kimmy Gatewood of the Apple Sisters joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Foxy Grandpa films, the Apple Sisters' Las Vegas show and DF Con 2013.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sex and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful afternoon in Los Angeles, a beautiful day to record a comedic podcast. Yeah, I think so.

I agree. I agree. From now on, every Jordan and Jesse go is going to start on an elegiac note. Sure, yeah. An earnest non-comic note. Sure, absolutely. Well, shall we introduce our guest into the program? Sure. Who's going to join us in recording a comedy podcast.

You know her. Hopefully she'll like hearing a story about my balls. You know her as a member of the Apple Sisters. They recently released a vinyl LP. Sure. I had it in my hands not moments ago. It features them on the cover and back cover. I'm excited that the Apple Sisters, a hilarious musical comedy act, has a vinyl record.

I'm a little disappointed that it's not colored vinyl and that they're not hand numbered. Okay. Kimmy Gatewood, by the way. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi, guys. Thanks for having me. Did you consider, I presume this is a long play, so I presume it's a 45 RPM recording?

Yep. Did you consider any other RPM ratings? No. No? recording uh yeah did you consider any other rpm ratings no no 78 was a little too heavy and expensive and no one has the proper right you gotta you gotta crank that fucker up you know i will sing the album to you personally if you call me though oh great yeah that's like one of the sort of a riff on the they might be giant stylist song sure it's just that you are just willing to give your phone number to anyone. Anyone. And sing.

You just don't have very many fans. I mean, can we do something where to mimic kind of the charm of listening to a vinyl album? If I, you know, if I say, oh, I'm speeding it up, will you do like a chipmunk voice? Absolutely. Whatever you want. And then I slow it down and you do a monster voice. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, I dropped it. Now there's, it's skipping. So you want. And then I slow it down and you do a monster voice. Yeah, and you're like, oh, I dropped it. Now it's skipping. Okay. Or I will just literally skip on my cell phone as well. Get it? So accommodating. Would you guys say that your favorite movie of the silent era or your favorite movie of all time is The Boys Think They Have One on Foxy Grandpa, but he fools them. I mean, it's in my top ten.

Right. I mean, it's right up there with Horse Running. It's one of the best of Joseph Hart's Foxy Grandpa films. Sure. I mean, he's the quintessential Foxy Grandpa. Kimmy, do you not remember this one? It seems like maybe you don't remember. Maybe if I remind you the plot summary, it will help you remember.

If you wouldn't mind. The boys dance to grandpa's banjo playing, then indicate he can't equal their skill. Grandpa gets up and performs an intricate step while still playing the banjo. Do you remember that one? It's coming back to me. Was there a foxy grandma involved? Okay, let me ask you this. You might be thinking of foxy grandpa and Polly in A Little Hilarity.

Of course, that starred Carrie DeMar as Polly alongside Joseph Hart's classic portrayal of foxy grandpa. As Polly alongside Joseph Hart's classic portrayal of Foxy Grandpa. That's the one where Polly and Foxy Grandpa perform a vaudeville style dance on a small stage in what appears to be a ragtime rhythm. Of course, there's no sound. It's a silent film. So there's really no way of knowing. So you have to know by the rhythm of their dancing what the music sounds like. Right. You have to kind of guess.

Well, it appears to be a ragtime rhythm, although- It's certainly not a minuet. No, no, not at all. Not at all. And it's not to be confused with other films of the time, like Monkey Shines No. 2. It's nothing compared to Monkey Shines No. 1, I'll tell you. The original is always the best. 2 was just a cash-in.

Well, you can't just switch Belushis, know what i mean you can't just when did i'm i'm curious this was hyrum belushi and i'm slow mo belushi um i'm curious when when what does foxy mean here and when did it come to mean like a babe like that 80 you know the 80s connotation of Foxy like you know. I think Foxy grandpa must be like Wiley. Yeah. Like a fox. Yeah. Like a fox.

Because you didn't you wouldn't expect him to know such an intricate step while playing the banjo. But then he does. So he was you know like a fox will, you know, conceal a dead chicken. Right. Grandpa will conceal dancing abilities. Well, it revolved around foxy grandpa, an elderly gentleman with two mischievous grandsons, of course. Oh.

Their names, Chubb and Bunt, who constantly tried to trick him. Oddly enough, Bunt was the fat one. You know, Chubb just always had an erection. If I were a gay pornographer, I would be looking into buying the rights to the Foxy Grandpa series right now. Oh, yeah. Right?

You get Chubb and Bunt and a little hot brother-on-brother action. Sure. I mean, that's great because what you want these days in entertainment is an IP, an intellectual property that has a lot of name recognition. Yeah. I mean, and that even extends into the gay pornography space, I would imagine.

You know, like, I mean, you want something to, you know, you don't want to just pull a story out of thin air. You want something that people know. You want, like, a battleship, a Transformers, a Foxy Grandpa. Yeah, just something that has like an immediate resonance in the audience. And ultimately, you know, you can transform that as you will. You don't have to literally do a remake of Foxy Grandpa shows boys he is a magician. Yeah. Although if you are a gay pornographer, that might be a good place to start. Oh, I know. Tagline.

Can I tell you what easily the best one to do if you are a gay pornographer is? Foxy Grandpa shows the boys are trick or treat. I can't even. Okay. Foxy Grandpa. Oh, wait. I can guess which one it is.

Foxy Grandpa massages the prostate. No. Okay. Foxy Grandpa. Oh, wait. I can guess which one it is. Foxy Grandpa massages the prostate. No. It's Foxy. This one is actually very highly rated. This one's 8.1 out of 10 on IMDb. Wow. Who's rating silent movies on IMDb? Sorry.

Foxy Grandpa shows the boys a trick or two with the tramp. That's the whole title? Yeah. So I'm assuming Charlie Chaplin makes an appearance in that one. Yeah. You've got to figure. This one does not have – That was kind of like The Avengers of the time.

Yes, it really was. People have been watching these guys in separate movies. So the titles of these are just the plots. Boys take grandpa's cigars with distressing results. These are the actual titles. I'm reading these from IMDb. I'm not making these up. These titles are like the TV guide description of a show now.

Yes. Like it's just. Yes, absolutely. Although one of them is just called The Creators of Foxy Grandpa. Oh. So do you think that's like a behind-the-scenes featurette? I mean, I think it's probably like adaptation where it's like a meta, you know, kind of commentary on what it's like to – I hope that's silent as well, The Creators of Foxy Grandpa.

Just waving their arms around. Why Foxy Grandpa Escaped a Ducking is one of them. What is that? escaped a ducking is one of them. What is that? Foxy Grandpa's boys attempt to play a practical joke on him by putting a bucket of water over his door and connecting with a string to the doorknob. Ho-ho.

That's handsome. Ho-ho. How long are these movies? While they are away. They're 60 seconds tops. Foxy Grandpa changes the string from the doorknob to the doorbell. Uh-oh. The boys return, pull the bell, and give themselves a ducking while Foxy Grandpa looks on with twinkling eyes from a corner of the window.

Excellent comedy. Well worked out. Where does that description come from? Just an autistic boy in Iowa. I always wondered about that prank, the bucket of water above the door. The bucket will hurt someone, right? Like, I mean, you don't – the water just doesn't come down. You get a fucking bucket in the face too, right?

I mean, especially if it's one of those old metal pails. Well, it's got to be – you got to use a lightweight aluminum bucket, right? Unless it works like the Lord of the Rings ring, which flies up and lands on someone's finger perfectly every time it's thrown in the air. So a bucket just goes right on your head when it's above a door. A ducking, if you will. So you've got some sort of magic bucket theory. Indeed. I'm glad.

I want to know, what I really want to know is what the distressing results are when the boys take Grandpa's cigars. Grandpa flips the fuck out. Two boys are sitting on a bench smoking a cigar until they become ill. Foxy Grandpa escorts a lovely young woman over to the bench as the boys run off. What? Foxy Grandpa tricked them into stealing his cigars and smoking them and getting sick so that he would have use of the bench for fucking. So this is all an intricate ruse. Yeah, you know how foxy, this is a foxy guy.

There's no doubt about that when it comes to foxy grandpa. I bet back in the day when sexuality was a little more taboo, if you wanted to hire a prostitute, you probably had to take her to a bench. Oh, absolutely. I mean, you don't want to be seen by a motel owner. No. You know, you didn't be defamed. You certainly can't have sex with a prostitute in your home.

No, absolutely not. You just got to drag her over to the bench. Well, there weren't a lot of cars to fuck in, so. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Benches were a nice place, not on the ground. Yeah. You could fold your clothes, put them next to a tree. Sure.

Oh, and then, like, maybe, like, oh and then like maybe, oh, that would be a funny silent movie. Foxy Grandpa is fucking a prostitute on a bench and then a raccoon runs away with his clothes. Which one is that, Jessie? Oh, that's Foxy Grandpa fucks prostitute on bench, raccoon runs away with his clothes. The title is what is happening. I'm really interested now in this other film by the star of Foxy Grandpa. Foxy Grandpa mostly just did the Foxy Grandpa films. Sure.

But he also starred in the film European Rest Cure. That sounds kind of saucy. Sounds like a Chevy Chase franchise. That sounds kind of saucy. Sounds like a Chevy Chase franchise. You know, Foxy Grandpa has new kids in every rest cure movie. Can I tell you what the plot of European rest cure is? Sure. An American going to Europe for a rest cure.

Oh, sure. Which is something. That's an enema, right? That's got to be. Yeah. That's just old time for enema. I mean, it's possible that it's group sex. Oh, That's gotta be. That's just old time for edema. I mean, it's possible that it's group sex.

Oh yeah, could be. Like in 1902, that's what they called that. Or pickling your nuts. An American going to Europe for a rest cure says goodbye to his family, then boards a ship that heads out to sea where it runs into some rough weather. When they reach Ireland, the man has a mishap.

And then in Paris, he gets involved in a fracas. As he continues on to his other stops, as he continues on to his other stops, things get even less restful. Holy shit, there's this other summary. It has to be as long as the entire movie. It's like four paragraphs from the Edison catalog. Yeah.

I mean, guys, when I think European rest cure, something else that comes to mind other than like weird enema is like, you know, when they said a woman was hysterical and they would apply a vibrator. That seems like something they would also call a rest cure. Those were the days. Weren't they? Simpler times. Fucking on benches and jacking off when you're crazy. When an industrial vibrator was the cure for basically everything. Immortal power.

Plug it in. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I think Foxy Grandpa is kind of ripe for a remake if not in the gay pornography space i mean maybe you know maybe it's like a webisode or something like that i think we could bring back foxy grandpa yeah who do you think has to kickstart this thing to do foxy grandpa probably like we probably could do it for $15,000, right? Let's get Jack Black involved, guys. Oh, okay. Immediately.

Sure. As Foxy Grandpa. Sure. Okay, we have Chubb. You don't want Alan Harkin? Yeah, Jack Black, I mean, we want him in old age makeup. I want Donald Sutherland. All right, yeah.

Donald Sutherland's a good choice. Donnie Suth. Maybe Jack Black is not Chubb, the other one. Oh, Jack Black is one of the sons. Yeah, sure. Bunt. Bunt, thank you. Yeah.

Oh, Jack Black and Steve Zahn. Let's get the gang from Saving Silverman back together. Sure, get them back. America's demanding. Yeah. America loves to watch that. Today, up on Saturday on Comedy Central. Sure.

Yeah, and then maybe like an Alan Arkin. I mean, maybe we can make use of both connotations of foxy and get like a John Slattery in there. Oh, man. He's a silver fox. Silver foxy grandpa. You got it. So I mean – and I think he's – every time he's given a comedic role, he does a pretty good job I think. So yeah, I mean maybe it's time.

Realistically though, it's just going to be either you or me in a fake beard. Well, yeah. But we could say we have other casting ideas in the Kickstarter, on the Kickstarter page. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, this is to raise the money. Then, yeah, we raise the money, then we dash the hopes. What if we raise money to do

it, to do the artificial aging with CGI? Yeah. Kimmy, how do you feel about playing the lovely woman? I mean, I guess this would... Penny the one that gets fucked? Yeah, the one on the bench. How do you feel about benches?

I'm good with that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're lovely. Thank you. Thanks. And you're a woman. And I hate cigars. Yes, we would not need to apply any CGI to make you lovely. You wouldn't have to, you know. I thought you were going to say old for a second. Yeah.

You look elderly. No, the young woman in this film is young. Sure. That's part of what makes it so funny because the foxy grandpa, he's so foxy that he got himself a young girlfriend to fuck on that park bench. And he tricked her into agreeing to do anal. I would guess that the rights to foxy grandpa are owned by like- Little Nemo? Yeah, or someone who like owns the Borax Company.

Or like- Borax Company. Or like. 12 Mule Train Borax featuring Foxy Grandpa. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess we need to like find whoever has the rights to Foxy Grandpa or whoever, you know, makes mustache wax or something. Somebody that owns Post Toasties. Sure.

Maybe it's in the public domain, you guys. Oh, maybe it is. Like America the Beautiful. Foxy Grandpa. Now we have a song for the big musical number. Yeah. Purple mountains, majesty. My sons are easily tricked.

Either one. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kimmy Gatewood just took a sip of water, so I'm not going to make her introduce herself right now. But welcome back to the program, Kimmy. Thanks, gentlemen. It's great to have you here.

I am interested to hear. I did not know this. I knew your performing group, the Apple Sisters. Sure. For their performances in Los Angeles and New York where your beloved alternative comedy, Staples. I don't think that's presumptive of me to say. Not at all. You were Staples like salted pork was to a sailor. Lemon to a pirate.

You're a couple of hard tacks. Maggot-infested hard tacks. Thanks, gents. And I was surprised to hear that you also perform in Las Vegas, Nevada. That is correct. We perform in Las Vegas because one of our beloved sisters is in Jersey Boys in Las Vegas. So she performs six times a week. So we'll go out there to write and perform.

And so the theater that we perform in is in true Las Vegas fashion in a strip mall. Of course. Off the strip. Is one of the sisters plays Frankie Beverly? Frankie Beverly? No. Wait, that's from Maze. Frankie Valley?

I don't know. Frankie Valley. No. Frankie Valley, she's a swing. One of the sisters plays Luther Vandross, is that correct? That's absolutely correct. Hello. Is that a Luther Vandross, is that correct? That's absolutely correct. Hello. Is that a Luther Vandross song?

Nope. I think you definitely segued into the Big Bopper. Will I what? Will I what? But we perform. The theater basically is like a two-phase because on the left-hand side, you buy your tickets at a porn shop. So there's like – yes. But like how if you – how about back in the old days if you wanted a ticket to a punk rock show, you had to go to like the record store.

Sure. Exactly like that. This is like if you want tickets to an alternative comedy review. Yes. You go and you buy your ticket because that's where the register is next to the fleshlights. Gentlemen, do you know what the fleshlights are? That's the thing you put on your donger. Yeah, that's right.

Now it comes in ladies' peepees and then men's poo-poos. Oh. You can choose a peepee or a poo-poo. That's good. That's very egalitarian. Thanks. And then on the right-hand side is the theater. It's a smallitarian. Thanks. And then on the right-hand side is the theater.

It's a small black box theater. And then next door to that is a gay bar. And then next door to that is the Green Door, which is a swingers club. Wow. Yes. A real swingers club? Real swingers club. Like in the movie Swingers. Is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy there?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds money. Oh, boys. So, yeah, you have to go in with a woman in order to get into the swingers club because they don't want a bunch of dudes there. Yeah, you can't just have a bunch of dudes. So, just J and O. J and O? Yeah.

What? J and O? What does that mean? It's like if you were doing something with a flashlight, but you didn't have a fleshlight. Oh. Oh, boy. Hello. I'm from 1943. I'm back in the present. Big dong sticks, sticks, sticks.

Okay. So let me ask you this. Because you guys perform in the same complex. As a porn shop, yes. And as the Green Door. I mean, I know that this happens sometimes. I mean, I was at a bar with some friends, and one of them kind of worked on the same strip. And when the bill came, they mentioned, like, oh, hey, I work over there at this store.

And then the waitress was like, oh, well, you get 20% off. Do you think you guys have a Swingers Club discount coming? Gee whiz, I hope so. Yeah. I mean, those places can get pricey. What do they have at the Swingers Club? Apple teenies? Right.

Flame shirts? Oh, yeah. No booze allowed at the Swingers Club, guys. Oh, really? Yeah. Everybody gets drunk at the gay bar and goes over to the Swingers Club. Have you ever been inside the Swingers Club? I haven't.

Does it make you uncomfortable? Are you afraid to go in the swingers club? I'm definitely afraid to go in there. I just feel like as soon as I get in there... You might be swung upon. Yes. I just imagine like a car wash of dicks. I don't know.

Then you get the hot wax. You end up real sudsy. And while you're waiting for it to be done, you can look through the greeting cards. Nah, that doesn't work. I don't know what I imagined. I don't know what you guys imagined. You do need an air freshener. You do need an air freshener.

I just imagined like pillows everywhere, like dirty pillows. Oh, boy. I didn't mean to say that. But no, just pillows everywhere just like dicks is everywhere and like like a few boobs maybe sure and just everyone's like hairy yeah sure um do you think there's a friendly rivalry between the swingers club and the gay bar like do you think you know like cheers Cheers and Gary's Old Town Tavern. Beat each other in softball.

Guys, I think we got another reboot on our hands. After we reboot Foxy Grandpa. Gary's Old Town Tavern and Cheers rebooted. Yeah, this is fun. This is fun and we got to get dancing. He's around. Yeah, right. It'll be like his got to get dancing. He's around. Yeah, right. It'll be like his son that runs it or something like that.

It'll be like the Beverly Hills Cop reboot. Yeah, but it's his son, but it's still played by Ted Danson. Oh, sure. He plays his son and his dad. Yeah. Do you get people at the theater who you're like, oh, they're going to the Swingers Club after this? Do they make a night of it, I guess is what I'm saying. No, I don't think so. Let's see a show. There is a thai food restaurant nearby it's one of the best in the

country it is called the lotus of siam i've eaten at the lotus it is an excellent restaurant really blew my ass out though if you if you don't if you neglect to tell them not to make it insanely spicy they will blow melt your face off oh that's that's funny. I wouldn't have thought of Las Vegas as a place where you would get exceptional Thai food. It is a famous, like among people that really care about that shit. It is like a destination. So this is a lot of like fish with the heads on kind of stuff, right? This is a real Jonathan Gold type situation. Okay.

Yeah, exactly. This is a real serious eats. Sure. Can you imagine like when the delivery trucks come in,, if they mixed it up one day, guys? Oh, if the delivery truck from the Thai food place. Yeah, yeah. So then the Thai foods are just making curries with lube. That's what you're saying.

And everyone's- Coconut lube. Everyone's just asses are on fire from all the lube. Like seven chili lube. Sure. This lobster is not making me horny. Who comes to see an Apple Sisters show in Las Vegas? How are you advertising this?

Handbills? Guys in the streets. No, we have a lot of performers actually that come, like people who are in the shows. So we do our show after the locals do their shows. Oh. When you say locals, you're talking about Penn & Teller. I'm talking about Penn & Teller. He came to our last show, you guys.

Did he? Penn Jillette came to our show. Oh, my gosh. Did he interrupt it ranting about how God doesn't exist? No. Not that he might have done it totally. Or how recycling is a scam. Or just something else he knows and wants to tell you about.

No, but he did sit in the back because he is a tall dude. Sure. He is so tall. He's a big man. Is that the biggest Las Vegas celebrity that you've had? Yeah, I think he is the biggest Las Vegas celebrity. You're right, yeah, the literal biggest. He's literally the biggest, but he's also like, if he, mm, girl.

Wayne Newton. Yeah. Wayne Newton. George Walsh. Wayne Newton. George Walsh. Wayne Newton, maybe. It's just Saturday night.

Rita Rudner. No. Rita Rudner. Yeah, no, like, we get to see some interesting shows. We went backstage and met Carrot Top once. We went to see his show and met Carrot Top. Wait, you went, you got to, how do you get a backstage invitation to see Carrot Top? Because, like,

people in Las Vegas, it's like a small town, but everybody's got a shitload of money. The performers do, you know? And they just, they need friends

or interesting people. Like, who are they going to meet? Like, you know, the so-and-sos from the Midwest and they want some cool people from L.A.,

you know what I mean? Sure, yeah. You want some cool Hollywood types. Not us, not us. Definitely not us. So is Carrot Top jacked, right? Sure, yeah. You want some cool Hollywood types. Not us, not us. Definitely not us. So is Carrot Top's jacked, right? Totally jacked.

Really creeped out by that. Yeah. In real life, is it also upsetting? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you were near him, and I was like, oh, because I, when I was in New York, I was shucking oysters, as one is to do, at Live Bait on 23rd Street. Do you know that place?

It's a famous restaurant. If you can shuck them there, you can shuck them anywhere. Thanks, pal. And so I was shucking oysters, and he ate lunch there when he was doing his AT&T things. Sure. Remember that? 1-800-CALL-AT&T.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that for? Was that collect calls? It's a prefix that you dial to get discount rates. So it was part of consumer choice for long-distance service was that you could dial a number to choose which long-distance provider you used. So long ago. I remember those were what I used when I needed my mom to come pick me up at the movie theater. I would find a pay phone and do one of those.

Yeah. Absolutely. After I saw, I don't know, let's say Ninja Turtles 3, the one where they went back in time. Sure. Wait, what? I missed that one. Oh, yeah.

They wore samurai outfits. Oh, man. And I remember being bothered about it at the time, but it's one of those time travel movies where they travel back in time but also go to another place. That's the part of it that didn't make sense to me. Right. I'm like, I can see traveling through time. But you would be in this – they would have to be a long and perilous ocean crossing.

Sure, right. Yeah. To travel from New York City where the Ninja Turtles live to Japan. I wanted to see that several-month ocean voyage. Yeah. Didn't make sense that they went to another place. They would probably just have complained about the pizza on the boat the whole time. Sure.

The hardtack pizza. Yeah, it's hardtack. Maggot topping again? Bummer. That's my Ninja Turtle impression. Reverse cowabunga. Is that what they would say when something was said? Yeah.

Cowabunga, but bad. Real wordsmiths in Ninja Turtles. Okay. So you're shucking. Yeah, shucking oysters. Carrot Top comes in, shucking some props. He is like pretty normal Carr top. And I say hello. And he's like, I used to shuck oysters when I was in high school or something like that.

I wasn't in high school, but we had a connection. Right. So then seeing him years later, I got the courage to say that story to him. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I remember that. Doesn't remember it at all. Time to do some reps. Do you think it's possible that you are physically less distinctive than Carrot Top? I don't mean to be rude.

I mean, I would put myself on the same level as Carrot Top. But is it possible that you're less memorable than Carrot Top in real life? It's possible that you're less memorable than Carrot Top in real life. A man with enormous orange hair who is also yoked and also a famous prop comedian. From television commercials for 1-800-CALL-ATT. And of course, chairman of the board. And chairman of the film, chairman of the board. Box office poison.

I can't. I mean, could you guys help yourselves but to just tell somebody that story if you saw them and like 10 years ago? You know, I saw I was I was in the Whole Foods the other day with a guy who was an actor. My first my first PA job when I moved to L.A., this guy was an it was a sitcom and this guy was an actor on it and we were both in Whole Foods together like waiting at the,

like a place where you get a scoop of like macaroni salad and I'm like, I'm just in. The deli? Yeah, the deli. Yeah, that's the place.

And I was just like, I'm like, do I make small talk with this guy and tell him that I used to bring him coffee and stuff? I didn't.

But yeah, I don't know. but if you had been in Las Vegas you probably would have that's true if we were both in Vegas hey you wanna head down to Lotus Asylum

blow our asses out blow our asses out Apple Sisters at 8 Swingers Club at 10 we'll make a night of it yeah guy who's on Mad Men now yeah

he's on Mad Men now yeah he's the he's the like Jewish copywriter. Oh, that guy's great. He is great. Oh. I don't know his name.

What? Okay. So if you're in Las Vegas, you're telling me you're automatically friends with all other performers in Las Vegas? Well, Sarah is in the community. She's been there for like five years now. So she like, you know, she's the bridge. Yeah, totally.

Okay. They don't give a fuck about me. So does she just go from show to show? No, she's been in Jersey Boys the whole time. For five years? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

People love Jersey Boys. People love Jersey Boys. I don't know what Jersey Boys is. It's about the Four Seasons. It's about Frankie, Beverly, and Maze. Oh, okay. And their rivalry with Earth, Wind and Maze. Oh, okay. And their rivalry with Earth, Wind & Fire. They're talking about moving theaters right now and adding in Foxy Grandpa.

Oh, okay. It's going to save a lot of money because there's no sound. So what you're saying is we workshop this in Vegas before we take it to web video space. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a great idea. I think that's a good idea because we don't want to go national too early. Yeah. We want to have a long, comfortable run with this Foxy Grandpa thing like Frankie Beverly

and Maze. Sure. Let's build some buzz. Yeah. In Vegas. Vegas is so strange, though. It's such a bizarre place because if you live there, you're just like, I'm going to the grocery store and then

you go to work at the Strip every single day. It's so bizarre. That must be so weird. You try to get your shows up at casinos. The Apple Sisters, we did an improv show in the Palms. Yeah. They call it the Jay-Z Hotel.

Yeah, sure, the Jay-Z Hotel. We did an improv show at the Palm. What are those? I mean, like, you're, the Ample Sisters is a fairly, like, sophisticated joke. You know, it's, I mean, I, you know, like, I think about the comedy shows that do well in Vegas. It's like, you know, Wayne Brady's, Wayne Brady's making shit up. And it's like him just, like, making up. I think it's called Wayne Brady brady genial black man oh sure yeah

yeah wayne brady not too black um yeah so but i mean how did how does the las vegas audience respond to that it's great because it's all people who don't are not from las vegas okay sure yeah they're all performers that came from new York or L.A. or Chicago. So you're saying that people who are from Las Vegas are stupid people. Fucking morons. Is that the premise of this bit? No, no. I mean, I don't know how. Gatewood, Gatewood.

I'm sorry, guys. It's just too hot out there, huh? Their brains melt. I think their brains melt right into their stupid fanny packs. I think you can be sophisticated and enjoy the Apple Sisters, but I think if you're not, if you're unsophisticated, you can still be like, ha ha, that's the dumb one. Sure, that's true. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. They're spinning corn at each other. I'm sophisticated. I love the dumb one. But I would still love the dumb one if I was unsophisticated. Look at Woody from Cheers. No, that's true.

I guess I was thinking about what was the Everyone loves Woody. What tourists come to Las Vegas to see. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not us. Definitely not us. You guys don't have any horses in the act? No, not yet. Any giant feather headdresses? Working on it. Yeah, yeah. Any Rita Rudner?

We've been begging her for four years. Rudner would be a good addition. She would fit, I think I think you throw in Rudner She could be like your mom or something That's a good idea, guys Do you guys have a mom in your... I know you guys have a lot of continuity, too

Yeah, we do Granny Apple Do you have a mom? Yeah, we do Her name is Reddy Apple Oh, okay Her name is Jen Perry The actress who plays our mother sometimes

She sucks, can her Get Rudner Now Jen's the head of study, huh? Jen Perry, the actress who plays our mother sometimes. She sucks. Can her. Get Rudner. Get Rudner. Now, Jen's the head of study, huh? Politics. Cold hard politics. I like this Apple Sisters do Vegas thing. Yeah, me too.

You know, I think that should be our second Kickstarter project. Okay. Third Kickstarter project? What's the first one? First one's Foxy Grandpa. Foxy Grandpa. Second one is one I forget. Oh, Cheers Reboot, but it's a gay bar and a swingers club. Right.

Dancing plays young dancing because of his weirdly unchanged face. Sure. Yeah, dancing's face is unchanged. He just changed his wig from brown to silver. That's all that's happened to Danson in the last 25 years. Are you saying that Ted Danson is some sort of Highlander? I believe he may be a Highlander. Yeah.

That would explain his spectacularly high-quality performance in Bored to Death. And why he's always decapitating people. Yeah. Because, I don't know if you guys knew this, there can be only one. Sure. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

That's why Ted Danson's always carrying around that samurai sword. Sam Waterston wanted to be a Highlander. Oh. Danson said, no, sir. Fuck no. No, sir. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kimmy Gatewood is now just fucking around with her telephone. You've got to be ready to introduce yourself or people who tuned in in the middle of this podcast won't know who you are. Hello. It's me, Kimmy Gatewood. Kimmy Gatewood from the Apple Sisters is here. I got a really cool booklet in the mail.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Apparently a doctor named Dr. Carragher used to live in our loft unit where Max Fun World headquarters is. And I received what I can only presume was intended for him. It's a pamphlet for DFCon 2013 Los Angeles. Wow, that sounds fun.

That's the Diabetic Foot Global Conference. Not what I expected at all. I went to DPCon. It was not fun. It was not fun. Too much Dr. Pepper? Too much Dr. Pepper, yeah. Sure.

See, I thought that was going to be Director of Photography Con. Oh. Yeah. Dr. Pepper Con. You're like, oh, man. Oh, guys. So here. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, oh, man. Oh, guys. Here's the thing. This features listings for all of the activities that are going on in March of 2013 at Diabetic Foot Global Conference 2013 Los Angeles, DFCon. Excuse me.

It's a whole month? It's not just a day? No, it's a three-day. It's March 21st. Oh. March 21st through 23rd at the Lowe's Hollywood Hotel. It's a long weekend. Wow.

Yeah. That's a commitment. Diabetic foot con. You know what? If you have beef, you should really take it up with conference co-chairman George Andros, MD, David G. Armstrong, DPM, MD, PhD, and course directors Joseph L. Mills, Senior MD, and Lee C. Rogers., David G. Armstrong, D.P.M., M.D., Ph.D., and course directors Joseph L. Mills, Sr. M.D., and Lee C. Rogers, D.P.M. D.P.M. is double penetration medicine, by the way.

Right. Here's what ails you. You got the shakes? Hysterical? Okay. So some of these- Take one in the button. One in the giner.

Some of these sessions are what you think they might be. For example, damage control, debridement, and drainage. Of course. With Christopher E. Attinger, MD. Or tibial artery interventions with Miguel Montero Baker, MD. Or tendo Achilles lengthening and gastroemius Recession with John S. Steinberg, DPM. You know, people talk about Diabetic Foot Con and how it used to be just about diabetic

foot enthusiasts. Right. And now it's commercial. It's just Hollywood. Super Hollywood. But I mean, the hotel room parties are still great. Yeah. I agree. That's still where the real fans get together.

Exactly. Sure. And you know what? I think, maybe this is blasphemous, but I think the cosplay is even better these days. I mean, it is great. People are stepping it up. I saw some blackened appendages last year that were just gorgeous. Just absolutely true to life.

Absolutely true. And I saw some really sexy fungus ridden cuticles. Remember that topless insulin shot that we saw? I do. That was hot. Very sexy. Very hot. Homemade too.

She made it all herself. Yeah, absolutely. So here's the thing. So many of them are perfectly normal. And I like I casually we casually opened this up last week. I mean, you know, I'm certainly interested in the 10th annual Edward James Olmos Award for advocacy and amputation prevention. Sure. Wow. Edward James Olmos had something amputated? Apparently he had something prevented from being amputated,

and that's why he endowed this award. Okay. Yeah. Wow. They were going to cut his dick off. He's like, stop! I was in stand and deliver. It's a Cylon dick. It's from the movie.

However, the amazing thing about this is that apparently at some point, whoever I presume it had to be conference co-chairman George Andros, MD, and David G. Armstrong, DPM, MD, PhD. Oh, fucking classic Armstrong. Is that the guy's last name? They took a look at lists of sessions and said, these need some juicing up. So these are the actual session names from other portions of the conference besides the one that I just read from you. Let's see. Maastrichtly speaking, we have great opportunities for bridging the evidence gap. Mounting up to avoid an amputation

stampede. A message from two Canadian beacons. Are these foot puns? The butcher, the baker, B-A-K-K-E-R, or the policy maker. How our works in the clinic can impact

administrators and politicians worldwide. Starve a cold? Feed a foot. New data on attrition. Nutrition to avoid lower extremity attrition. You know, Jesse, I know I'm not supposed

to say this because this is kind of like this violates a sort of code of Hollywood ethics, but I don't feel like I could stay silent anymore. The reason this was sent here is because I did punch up on this pamphlet.

Wow. You know, and I know that you're not – you know, I know that's just something – you know, writers get brought in for punch up. Right. And you're supposed to keep it on the QT. Yeah. You get a nice lunch. You get a flat fee.

But, you know, the WGA credit goes to the guy who did, you know, the last draft. Right. But, yeah, I mean, I wrote a lot of those foot puns. You have historically been known as Medicine's Valance. Sure, exactly. So I can see why. For example, one of my favorites is the one that you wrote for Junpyo Hong, MD, PhD, MBA. I could probably say it with – I'll let you read it because –

It's always Hyundai morning at Asan Medical Center, taking ishamic cabbage and making microvascular kimchi. That was a fun one. That was a fun one to write. I just feel like that might be really pushing the limits of racism. Well, what about this one? But we're playing with expectations. We're commenting on it.

And it may not be something that would sound right coming out of Jordan's mouth. But coming from Junpyo Hong, MD, PhD, MBA's mouth, when you have that number of degrees, you can say anything and it doesn't sound racist. So what is that exactly? He said some stuff about blacks and I was like, well, he's got an MBA. Probably knows what he's talking about. Here's another one. We have ways of making you heal. Mach schnell.

Mit Klinik und Morbach. Wow. Led by Stephen Morbach, PhD. Yeah, we just wanted to have a little fun with race, with stereotypes. I mean, they wanted this to be edgy. They said like, add a dash of tosh is what they said. Flow man on the toe, Tumpol. Timing of revascularization.

That is just like they asked me, how many puns can you cram into this? Make it more Jay-Z please. Right? Right. Yes. What about this one? Super micro-surgicalistic thigh of lapid toe fix. How super

micro-surgical techniques are transforming limb salvage, or a circumflex journey from the thigh to the sole, S-E-O-U-L. Again, Jun Pyo Hong, M.D., Ph.D., M.B.,

A. The man can do no wrong. I mean, sole, that has so many connotations and so many levels in the foot world. Sorry, the diabetic foot world. Sure, thank you. How I look at a wound? Why do they need to do this in LA, I wonder?

This hotel that they're doing at is pretty nice. Like, why? Can't they do this in Branson, Missouri or something? Measuring outcomes. Does the patient know best? So far, nothing horrible. In parentheses, it ain't over till the fat lady walks. Okay, I'm not.

Because fat people get diabetes, but that's mean. I'm not taking credit for that. That was Jeffrey Ross. Okay. That was the roast master himself. If at first you don't succeed, you have probably done an angioplasty. Am I right, guys? They have a very poor track record.

Why are you doing heart surgery? This is a foot issue. I guess, yeah. I mean, so did you get your badges yet? And the Oscar for Best Toe Erector goes to The Silent Biofilm or How to Heal a Wound Without a Big Production. So Hollywood. Yeah. Really sold out.

You know, I mean, even again, it's in L.A. It's at a swanky hotel. I kind of wanted to give, you know, like a dash of, you know, a dash of glamour. How Five Little Piggies Can Break the Global Bank. Practical data for you, your legislature, and your hospital administrator. I kind of miss the wolf in that one, to be quite

honest with you. Yeah. I mean, that's three little piggies, and you've got five little piggies. Yeah, someone should be, I'll huff and puff and blow your insurance premiums down. What about 3 metatarsal. What about 3D?

You went a different way. That's fine. 3D wound measurement? That one's not funny. No, that's... Guys, I broke my foot in October. Did you? For realsies.

My fifth metatarsal and my third metatarsal. Oh, so you know all about foot bones. Yeah. So I really am... This is really making a lot of sense to me, both comedically and medically. Right. What did you break your foot doing? Dancing? Have you been workshopping some broken foot material? Yeah, so I really am. This is really making a lot of sense to me, both comedically and medically. Right. What did you break your foot doing? Dancing.

Have you been workshopping some broken foot material? Yeah, I have. You broke your foot dancing? Yeah, sure did. On point? Off point, actually. Oh. In my jazz shoes.

With a concrete man? Meaning the floor? Yes. Did you land wrong on a flying leap? I was dancing really hard at a wedding. Perhaps I had had a whiskey. Oh, boy. Or four.

And my foot rolled out and it broke. Oh, dear. It broke, yeah. I'm sorry. You know, you were, did you, okay, let me ask you this. Yeah. Do you feel like the bride and groom felt like you were stealing focus? Yeah, a little bit.

Because, you know, in the middle of the dance floor. I think they got a little upset. Clutching your foot. So I ran to the back. I know you said this happened on the dance floor, but did it happen during the ceremony? You were dancing really hard during the ceremony. It was for my YouTube video, man. No one else knew that they were supposed to do...

No, it was a flash mob, but it was a reverse flash mob, which is just me dancing. Which is inappropriate. Everybody else said it. It was you pounding whiskey and dancing in the middle of a wedding ceremony. Probably did pretty good on YouTube, though. Been great on YouTube. Oh, man. Yeah.

So that was pretty rotten. But I tell you, I got my whole wedding album done. You know what I mean, guys. I do. Yeah. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? I got married this past year, so I just spent the whole time thinking about my foot and

putting my wedding album together. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's fun. Happy ending. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sending out thank you notes?

Sending out... Exactly. That's exactly right. I was bummed they didn't find any diabetes in my foot, though. You always hope that when you break your foot. So you can have an excuse to go to diabetic foot con. Yeah. Yeah. You can take the lab out of the gate lab, G-A-I-T, walking the walk with new technologies at home and in clinic.

Lifelong, this is is the gait section. The gaits of hell avoiding an inferno by leaving lower extremity limbo. Yep. Wow, that's dark. Take a walk on the wild side in my lab. That studies gait. Strategery for stepping. How compensating for neuropathy leaves us bushed.

How compensating for neuropathy leaves us bushed. That one has an extended neoconservative philosophical analogy. What do you think hooking up is like in the- Oh, an old diabetic foot con? Yeah. I haven't hooked up with anybody. You're at the Lowe's bar. Everybody's high on blood sugar. Everyone's been pounding insulin.

Everybody's been drinking hard and making sure to have a box of raisins on hand. I think for your con-goer, it's where people get to take a little break from their significant others.

Meet people in your field. You got a hotel room. Shit's going to go down. Foot infections. Swabbing the deck without going overboard. How many of them do you think are actual foot fetishists, too? I wonder if that enters into it. Yeah.

Do you think they sell special boner containment underwear? I mean, for foot doctors that are foot fetishists? Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's got to be some sort of industrial leather. Lab coat or something? Sure, yes. Super lab coat?

To conceal your boner. The War of the Floses, a guide on marrying turf neutrality with aggressive intervention. I bet Quentin Tarantino's wandering around at diabetic foot con. Window shopping for vascular devices. How much is that gadget in the window? The one with the atherectomy tail. It just keeps going. Good job, though.

Jesse, would you consider merging Max Fun Con and Diabetic Foot Con? You mean DF Con? Yeah. DFC, excuse me. I i mean here's the thing we have a lot of cool classes at max fun con um i mean for just by way of example this year penn ward is going to do a live action animation um that he has asked us to procure 15 to 20 superhero costumes for. Unlicensed superhero costumes. Sure.

And, you know, you could learn to make pickles. There's a lot of fun stuff you could do at MaxFunCon. Could you learn to, you know, drain a contusion? For instance. Just by way of example. Yeah. For instance. It's really the only thing that makes sense. And maybe we should get them on the line. You know, specifically, I could see if I could talk to course directors, Joseph L. Mills, senior MD, and Lisey Rogers, DPM, and see what they have to say. Maybe we could just do a cross-currents type situation, just sharing some knowledge. You know, like maybe we could do a vid chat. Sure. A Google Hangout. A Google Hangout.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Like an online training series. Like a webinar. Yeah, a webinar. We should probably organize some webinars around the subject. Max FunCon should have more webinars.

I agree 100%. I mean, you know, it's your rodeo. I don't want to tell you how to rope the calf, but yeah, more webinars. Yeah, I mean, all right. More webinars? Yeah. All right. More webinars.

Should it be all webinars? I mean, everything should have a webinar component. Right. The pickles, for instance. Right. Now, is the webinar for someone who is at MaxFunCon or is it for someone who is across the country yeah we have terminals at MaxFunCon

well Kimmy no one no one a webinar is just something you say it's not an actual thing no one knows what it actually is it's nothing it's a word from business it's like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious yeah or synergy sure it's just a word that business. It's like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Yeah, or synergy. Sure.

It's just a word that we need to be saying. Or DSN, PhD, MBA. Right. Kind of the same thing. Blahbity blah. Yeah, exactly. What you said. Kimmy Gatewood, we're in the digital space.

Sure, sure. We're about actualizing self-profit relationships on an upward tangent. Indeed. You know what I mean? At the end of the day, whether it's webinars or mobisodes, we're going to stick our dicks in it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Grammy's edition.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, slipping a nip. Kimmy Gaywood. Kimmy Gaywood. Award winner. Yeah. Oh, there you go. I was going to say you haven't had a nickname yet. There you go.

You're done. Oh, thank you. Because every time I try and get her to introduce herself, she's spacing out or looking at some shit. There's so many beautiful things here, guys. Jordan, Jesse, go. This egg crate insulation, for instance. Jordan, Jesse, go, of course, brought to you in part by BoatParty.biz, a website with a picture of a boat and a place for you to type in your email address.

Jesse, all the kids already know about BoatParty.biz. It's America's favorite website. Online at BoatParty.biz. Yeah, I don't know. What about our elders? You should show some respect for our elders. Just because young people have already typed their email into boatparty.biz. People should show boatparty.biz to the elderly.

Yeah. It'll remind them of their time in the Sea Org. Elrod Hubbard. I'm assuming all your elders are Scientologists At the end of the day Boatparty.biz Is online

Use the world web and type in the words Find out what happens See the boat, type in the email Click the box It's going to be great It's going to be a fucking blast, Jordan. A fucking blast. Can I say one more thing?

Please. Max Fun Con is now officially sold out. Oh, well, if you didn't get a ticket. Wowie, wow. If you didn't get a ticket, I do have one recommendation. Are you just rubbing it in the face of Diabetic Foot Con now? Because you feel like you're more successful? If you missed out on Max Fun Con, which is May 31st through June 2nd, you can get on the waiting list.

And historically, we have gotten some people in off the waiting list. Although things are tight this year. I cannot promise that. Sure. But historically- You mean the fleshlights. Yes. But if you want to get on the wait list-

That's how you want your fleshlights. If you want to get on the wait list, email waitlist at maximumfun.org. Put in the number of people in your party, whether you're a single or a couple. What about a triad? Can triads come? If they want to share a bed, yes. Okay. And send – yes, that would be great.

What about quadraphones? That's just people who have high-quality stereos from the 1970s. Yes. Do they come? Yes, absolutely. They have to bring quadrophenia. Okay. A quad pressing of quadrophenia.

Okay. So email waitlist at MaximumFun.org. Include the size of your party and include a telephone number at which you can be reached during the day because this is what we do. telephone number at which you can be reached during the day because this is what we do. When a spot opens, we just call the telephone numbers and whoever takes the ticket first gets that slot at MaxFunCon. Wow. And, you know. Cutthroat.

It is cutthroat. We had to send a fair number of people disappointing news when it came down to it last year, Jordan, and I'm sorry to say, and this will be your only chance to go to MaxFunCon this year. There will not be a MaxFunCon East this year. So apologies for that for anyone who was hoping to go to MaxFunCon East. But get on the wait list. MaxFunCon.com for all that information. I'm going to be sending a bunch of souvenirs from the Green Door.

Yeah. And that is my personal promise to you. Absolutely. Thank you, Kimmy. You're welcome. Look for the Green Door at MaxFunCon. I want one of those dildos that has the fish head on it. Absolutely. Thank you, Kimmy. You're welcome. Look for the green door at MaxFunCon if you know what I'm talking about. I want one of those dildos that has the fish head on it.

Jordan, we got anything up on the Jumbotron this week? We do. Wright Rickman is a Max Funster in Brooklyn who is looking for an apartment and needs roommates. He'd like to move in on or before March 31st. If you have an available room or if a few of you would like to join me in finding a place, please email me at WrightRickman.com. Wright, like aviation pioneers, Rickman. Oh, he's saying how to spell his name. Yeah. W-R-I-G-H-T-R-I-C-K-M-A-N at gmail.com. Yeah, WrightRickman at gmail.com. Playing Magic the Gathering is not required, but it's a plus.

He's in middle school. He's in middle school. In 1993. Oh, rightrickman. We encourage, you know what the honest truth is? At the end of the day, you're looking for a roommate. You want somebody that's going to sit around in his room all day playing Magic the Gathering? Absolutely.

They have digital Magic the Gathering now? They do, yeah. You can do it on Xbox Live. Is it just as boring? On your mobile phones? Like the real card? No. Can you use your mobile phone to tap your mana?

Oh, I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know that. Watch out for fire trolls. Oh, yeah. That's probably something for Magic the Gathering. Elven rangers? Sure. That's another thing. I need to tap four

manas. Colin, can you do me a favor out there in the studio? Can you tap a few mana for me? Can you tap some mana? Okay. Yeah, he's got... Okay, good. We have confirmation from Colin Marshall. He is tapping some mana out there. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

Affordable. Highly affordable. If you want to be a commercial sponsor of Jordan Jesse Go, you want real ads on Jordan. Real affordable. Real affordable. We can make that happen for you. Surprisingly affordable. Email Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

T-H-E-R-E-S-A. And look, we can put together a package for you. You want to be on multiple MaxFun shows? You want to do an ad blast? We can do that. Yeah. Jesse, that's a little gross.

Lotus of science. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Play-Doh. Play-Doh. You love Socratic dialogue. Yes, indeed. It's a lot of thinking in my house. You make your own Play-Doh? No, I buy commercial Play-Doh. I know. What?

I know. What? No, nothing. I didn't say anything. I just exhale. Jesse's one of these types that does his own canning. Oh, boy. I can my own Play-Doh.

Yeah, you put it up for the winter. Sure. Well, when the trees aren't producing. Sure. The Play-Doh trees. Jesse lives in a magical pixie world. Lucky. You live on Big Rock Candy Mountain, right? I do, yes. Hobo's Paradise? Pixie stick

anyone? Yeah. That's something interesting, isn't it? This is just a fleshlight. Can I mention one other thing? Because I did not mention this. I sort of alluded to this last week on Jordan Jesse. I don't want to leave this up in the air, but if you do not follow me on social media,

we have important bullseye related news. My public radio show, Bullseye, we signed a contract with National Public Radio. Congratulations. Thank you very much. So I'm very hopeful about it. You're one step closer to being a panelist on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. One step closer.

Which is your dream. That is my dream. Actually, you know what? Peter Sagal sent me a really nice note when I announced it. I was like, hey, thanks, Peter Sagal. There you go. Peter Sagal's a class act. Now it's time to snatch that panelist spot.

I know. I got Luke Burbank in my sights. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fucking take Burbank down. Take that Maz Jabrani down. He's only the nicest comedian in America. Yeah. Alonzo Bowden. Yeah, I can take him. I can take Bowden. Nobody remembers Last Comic Standing anymore. Public radio producers.

Public radio does, yeah. Public radio producers do. Anyway, so we're starting in April with National Public Radio. And all I'm saying is, look, they tell me that an organized campaign to have listeners to a show contact their local stations and ask them to carry a particular show doesn't work. So I would never organize such a campaign. However, let's say there was a grassroots campaign of some kind. Listen, I've got a few

hours today. I'm looking for something to do. Well, you know, you live here in Los Angeles. There's two great public radio stations, KCRW and KPCC, that do not yet carry my show. And you probably learned how to write letters in civics class. Or you can get your hands on the anarchist's cookbook and cook up some Molotov cocktails.

Wait, Jordan. Jordan, wait, no. Okay. Jordan, wait. This was a separate. I was asking if you wanted to make some Molotov cocktails after this. Jordan, no. Jordan.

Come on. You're right. I take my Play-Doh, I press it against the newspaper, and then whatever words are there, I mail it. Right. Even if they're threatening words. All I'm saying is if someone were to write a thoughtful note to their local public radio program director that said you should give a listen to this link, my favorite episode of Bullseye recently, I wouldn't stop them from doing that. I thought you were going to say I wouldn't stop him from doing that. I thought you were going to say,

I wouldn't punch him in the face. I wouldn't give him a swift one to the groin. You know what I mean? Yeah. It'd be a waste of your time. Yeah, and who knows? I might give him a swift one to the groin, if you know what I mean.

Hey, if they're lucky. You know what I'm talking about. You would affix your fleshlight. We have some telephone calls lined up. Like a lamprey. When something momentous happens to our audience, we ask that they call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. A telephone number which I recently had to give to NPR because they asked for my fax.

Their legal department asked for my fax number, and I don't have a fax machine. And the only thing I could think of was I think our automated voicemail at 206-984-4FUN takes faxes. But I was on my cell phone when they were asking me this. So I literally had to say to like the head of legal at National Public Radio, yeah, you can fax it to 206-984-4FUN. That's 1-800-GOOFBALLS with a Z. Just mail it to Gags and Things, courtesy of the White House, Washington, D.C. Can you just send that straight to Santa Claus, the North Pole? That's a fart with three A's.

So fart. Fart. Anyway, let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. I have a momentous occasion to mark. I just finished my first day at my first real job after college

um i'm a copywriter at a public relations firm and went great um got everything done i needed to do feeling pretty good about myself uh immortal power plug it the fuck in. Yeah. Wow. This guy knows what's up. Yeah, swearing. He knows what makes the world go round. Publicists. Yeah. Publicity copywriting. Yeah.

So he's in charge of writing press releases. Right, for post-toasties. For instance. Post-toasties are back. Featuring beloved character Foxy Grandpa. Yeah. Tired of fondants? Not so delighted

by the Turks? That guy's gonna get laid tonight. Foxy Grandpa? Yeah. He's got that young lady companion. Got a companion. You got a park bench. Yeah, I mean, copywriter at a publicity firm.

I mean, that's, you know, you can throw that around at a bar, a cocktail party. Can't you just see Foxy Grandpa leaning back on that bench, puffing a stogie and getting his dick sucked? I can now. Yeah, well, he got that sweet job at that publicity firm. God, I mean. Do you think this is the elevator pitch for our foxy grandpa? When you said stogie, I automatically thought Kevin Spacey. Oh, man.

He might be a little young. Yeah. But, you know, he's got the tood. Yeah, that's true. He's got toad for two. Sure. Toad for miles. What should I do tonight? Play the banjo or get a blowy?

That's my Kevin Spacey classic. That's a really good Spacey. Thank you. That's a really good Spacey. That's him as Lex Luthor from Superman, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure. They have similarities, sure, but it's a slight difference. I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm not a committed vocalist. So, I mean, I don't know these things, but, you know. It's weird. I heard it as a Superman villain, but initially I was thinking Terrence Stamp.

But, yeah, no, I guess now that you say it, Kevin Spacey, yeah, sure. Thanks, guys. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan. I'm 22 years old, and I just got home from my first ever second date. And it was awesome and exciting, and I kind of just never want this feeling to end. So life's good. Oh, game over. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Well, it gets worse. Wow, that was infectious. That joy. That was awesome. I'm in love right now. Sure. I'm in love with you guys.

Let's go on a date. Let's practice our dating. Our dating etiquette. Let's French kiss the back of our hands. All right. Oh, oh, oh, my. Let's c kiss the back of our hands. Let's cunnilingus our throw pillows. That's important.

I stuck my thumb in my bear. That's a euphemism. And your bear appreciates it. The bear appreciates that you went the extra mile. I appreciated that telephone call. Me too. I thought that was really fun.

That was a lot of fun. Right, second date. Her first ever second date. And you could really hear the excitement, you know? You know what? I'm really proud of her for not murdering this one. Yeah. You know what? I'm really proud of her for not murdering this one. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Because she's been out on a lot of dates, but she usually, you know, bites their heads off at the end because she's a praying mantis. Yeah. I'm really hoping that there was about five to ten years between the first date and the second date. I met him when I was 12. I colored my hair. I changed my identity. He does not know who I am anymore. I went on the lam.

Yeah. Then one day I was on the beach in Jamaica, and what do you know? Yeah. He was doing shots with a scorpion on his hand. Yeah. Congratulations, Colin. Congratulations. That's great news.

Second date, though. You should be putting that, right? No. Not on your first ever second date. No, I'm kidding. You shouldn't. The second second date. I mean, just go, Bon Ion.

Yeah, the second second date. Fingers all over the place. Yeah, head over to the green door. You're rocking some curry up there. As I like to say, just walk around like a giant X, right? Does that make sense? Yes. Get it in there?

Yeah, sure. Everything's available. A human X. An X with a head. Right. Yeah sure. I gotcha. Okay.

Thanks guys. You know what I suggest for a third date? Ice skating. That's probably a lot of fun. Then you know what else I suggest? Hand job.

Yeah sure. Just a little ice skating a little hand job. See if you can see what happens if you get it out there on the ice and the Zamboni goes over it

nothing good nothing good's gonna happen certainly not for the Zamboni operator you know it's so funny I was I I've there's

there are those just fucking third date activities that you would never do except for on a third date it's your I've only been on like three third dates in my entire life so yeah it's your Third date activities that you would never do except for on a third date. I've only been on like three third dates in my entire life. Yeah, it's your ice skating, your bowling, like this is fun. We can still talk to each other but still – yeah, I feel like I am just out of third date ideas. It's the activity date.

Sure, right. Totally, yeah. First date is drinks, right? First date should be. Right. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. First date is drinks. Like dinner. Yeah. Second date, probably dinner and just complete happiness. Right. Complete joy.

Yeah. Right. And then calling into a- The power of your mind. Yep. Calling into a podcast. Calling into a podcast. Yeah. Third date is an activity date.

Activity date. Can I suggest, and I'm not saying this is necessarily exactly a perfect activity. It really depends on the context. But an activity I recently participated in was going to the zoo. Going to the zoo. I had not been to the zoo since I was a child, but I saw a number of couples at the zoo. I've had a couple good zoo dates. And you know what?

That is a good one. I fucking loved the zoo. I had forgotten how great the zoo is. There was lots of animals I never even fucking heard of. Is this the L.A. zoo? Yeah. Oh, it's great. Sure.

There's this kind of, it's a kind of jungle cat that maybe lives in Sumatra. I don't know. And it's, it looks like a. Coffee land, you say? You know what, you know what. Was this just a Frappuccino, Jesse? You know how. Or did you just drinking a Frappuccino?

Do you know how a cheetah looks? Yes. Okay. So imagine a cheetah, but do you know how a house cat looks? Yes. So halfway in between those two. Yeah. Great.

But you know how sometimes on Adventures of Little Nemo, the legs of the bed get real long and start flopping around and it goes walking? I've only played the Little Nemo video game. I think it happened in the Little Nemo video game as well. Oh, did it? Oh, maybe. Okay. I guess what I'm saying is take a house cat, make it 50% bigger, maybe 100% bigger, and make it look a little more like a cheetah.

Yeah. And then give it double length legs. That's what this fucking animal looks like it was tremendous. Do you remember its name? No, but I remember that it can jump 10 to 12 feet. It's like a two foot long animal. Yeah, it sounds like a reverse giraffe or something. It sounds like a character from Adventure Time.

Yeah. And it was. It was wonderful. God, yeah. The world of antelopes and the world of jungle cats, there's your popular ones. There's your antelopes, your ibexes, your cheetahs, your pumas. Sure. But then there's all these sub ones that you basically never hear about, like dick dicks,

which are a little antelope. Yeah. No. They go like this. No. They go like this. No. We're making a go like this motion. Just for the audience. We're making little tiny this. No. They go like this. No. We're making a go like this motion.

Yeah, we're making little tiny hops. Yeah. They do tiny hops. Yeah. So they are called the sound that you make when you make the hand motion. That's called. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

They're an onomatopoeia animal. The activity is called dicking out. Or dicking around. Dicking down. Yeah. onomatopoeia the activity is called dicking out or dicking around digging down yeah yeah i wonder of like why like why that one that you saw is so much less popular than the cheetah i mean well the cheetah is the world's fastest animal that's true well let's look at like a cougar right or a cougar well cougar is from north america so it's our homegrown big cat. Okay. Well, maybe there's an explanation for all these things. It's also Foxy Grandpa's girlfriend.

Right, exactly. Foxy Cougar. But how far can a puma jump relative to its body length, A, and B, does it have the highest prey success rate of any animal cat of jungle prey? I don't know. A puma. Well, it doesn't because this thing that I saw at the zoo, I don't remember the name of. And you know what's another important thing?

How come we don't talk enough at the zoo about the variety of horns on different things that look like deers? Sure. Fat horns, curly horns. Why do you think the ibex is more popular than the dick dick? You know what would be- Because it's not a swear word? You know what would be a really good zoo exhibit? You won't believe what a goat will stand on.

Like, screw Monkey Island or whatever they're building in the zoo. You won't believe what a goat will stand on. Are you working on Zoo Con 2013? Oh, my God, I am. I got one. Miso horny. Talking about all the horns and all the animals. And then you get a nice miso soup.

Yeah, that's right. And then you jack off. Tick, tick and tack, tack. We've got to get to our next call. Colin, roll it out for us. Hi, this is Simon calling from Brooklyn with a momentous occasion. from Brooklyn with a momentous occasion. I just picked up a copy of the new New York magazine from the newsstand,

which I illustrated the cover of. That's it. Thanks for the show. Good work, Simon. Not only did he illustrate this, Simon was at MaxFunCon East this year. Not only that, it was very charming and funny It was Eustace Tilly Of course the legendary mascot of the New Yorker Sure

As a Brooklyn hipster Holy crap That sounds pretty What was he doing? He was He had I remember he had a fixie tattoo on his neck He was

Instead of spying a butterfly He was spying a food truck With a picture of a butterfly on it. Okay. It was wonderful. That sounds delightful. It was a delightful work. It was called Eustace Tilly Brooklyn Edition or something like that. Well, lovely.

That's great. You know, I recently did a couple. Not everyone that listens to this show is sitting around doing bullshit, like working as a copywriter or playing magic cards. I actually, speaking of magazine covers, I'm on the cover of Time. Are you? I know. I am breastfeeding my son. Really?

Yes. Your 27-year-old son? My 27-year-old son is sucking at my milkless male nipple. Wow. Yeah. What a fun little piece of synergy. I was going to mention it. You know what? Wow.

It's funny that you mentioned that, but I was on the cover of Time at my grandma's house, and it was framed on her wall. And then- Oh, World's Best Grandson? This is the year that they named the World's Best Grandson and you won it? Yeah. Oh, congrats. That's great.

That's true. And you know what? One other time I was at a carnival and I was on the cover of Newsweek. It was one of the shiniest Newsweek covers I've ever seen, but it just said Person of the Year at the bottom. It didn't have my name on it, but my face was right there in the middle on the shiny part. And everything that was going on behind you.

So they were taking a live photograph. They must have just taken the photo and it just went to print. But publishing moves so fast these days. Yeah. I'm also on the cover of Kites and Such, but that's just because I love kites. Right. I'm famous in the kite community. Really? Really.

For all my kites. This guy emailed me from a kite magazine. This is actually true. He emailed me from a kite magazine because he thought I had slighted kites on Judge John Hodgman. Oh, no. These two young people were listing all their weird hobbies that they had had in high school.

And I asked them if they were also co-presidents of the Kite Flying Society. And he took that as a slight rather than- Not a Rushmore reference. Not an allusion to Rushmore. And so he said, he asked me if he made a Judge John Hodgman kite, would I consent to being photographed with flying it for his kite magazine? To kind of mend the hurt feelings that now exist between you and the kite community. Yeah. And I think when I explained to him that I think kites are quite nice. In fact,

I would agree with the free design in saying that I think kites are fun. Sure. Third date fun? Oh, absolutely. Oh, kites. That's cute, guys. Kites! Kites!

Kites! Kites! Ah, we've cracked the code. Three-part harmony, guys. Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites.

Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites. Kites.

Kites. Kites. We are regular Frankie Beverly featuring Maze. We have one call left. Right, Colin? Let's hear it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Paul from New Jersey with what I guess is a momentous occasion.

About 20 minutes ago for the first time ever in my life, I was actually challenged to a roadside fist fight by somebody who, I guess, was upset with something I did while driving. I declined. Hopefully, I'm more reasonable than that. And also, I try to avoid arrests wherever possible. Because I'm wondering if that's ever happened to either of you, and what did you do about it, or what would you do about it?

You know what I did? Sure, guys. Thanks a would you do about it? You know what I did? Sure, guys. Thanks a lot. Bye. I'll tell you what I did. I brought out my red and green deck and challenged him to a game of Magic the Hatter. That'll usually defuse any kind of roadside argument. I tapped a lot of tree mana.

Yeah. Boy, you know, I... Also pogs. Right. Oh, jacks. Swamp? pogs. Right. Jacks. Swamp? I don't know. Swamp.

God, yeah, the last altercation that I was in was I was at a... I have this buddy who loves hardcore music, so I've been going to hardcore shows with him. Sure. Okay, sure. And they've been a lot of fun. Hardcore shows are pretty intense. Yeah, they are pretty intense. And it's like old guys now, too, so it's like fucking

intense 40-year-olds. Ouch! My neck! Yeah. Yeah, just talking about AARP. It's like the X's on their necks are getting droopy. Right, with the wrinkly in there. Everybody's fatter than they were when they got their crazy tattoos.

Do you think we could work hardcore into one of our Foxy Grandpa pictures? Yeah, I mean, sure. Foxy Grandpa goes to see Bugatti. Oh, God. Rollins' Foxy Grandpa. Oh, my goodness! Perfect casting! Or dancing.

Yeah, and i bumped this dude and spilled a beer like all over him like fucking full like giant mega beer all like all like yeah it was like a full giant mega beer a full giant mega beer he was like and i just heard him yell what the fuck dude and i turned around and this and it's a fucking dirt bag. He's at a hardcore show and he's got a beer all over him. And I spilled it. I'm like, God, man, I am so sorry. What were you drinking? I'm going to the bar.

I'm getting the other one. I really apologize. So I go to the bar. I get him a beer. I bring it over to him. He's like, man, that's cool. You didn't have to do that. Your sweet face just charmed the pants right off of him. Man, you didn't have to do that. Your sweet face just charmed the pants right off of him.

Man, you didn't have to do that. And then we talked for a little bit, and it turned out he had seen me at an improv show at UCB. Oh, that's awesome. So that's the closest I've been to a fist fight in 10 years. Somebody on Twitter said that I have a punch face. I looked that up. It's a face that can only be improved by punching it. Oh, no.

Is that in the same family as a butter face, I suppose? Yeah, it's like a butter face. The male butter face. Male butter face. Yeah, I mean, the guy did admit that I have a juicy ass. Sure. You know? And I think anyone— We can all agree that your have a juicy ass. Sure. You know? And I think anyone...

We can all agree that your ass is juicy. I'm calling you orangey ass. It's right there on the sweatpants. Anyone with two eyes can see that I've got a gorgeous set of cans. Sure. Wait a minute. Set of cans? Set of cans.

Set of jugs. No, no, definitely not jugs. I've got gorgeous jugs and a nice can. Nice can. A juicy can. Juicy can. Like a can of pineapple juice. Why is pineapple the only canned juice?

You can just can peaches. No, it's a juice. You can get pineapple juice in a can. Grapefruit juice you can get in a can. You can get that in a can? You can get a big drum of grapefruit juice. If you go to the ethnic grocery stores, you can get a lot more canned stuff. You can get a big drum of grapefruit juice. If you go to the ethnic grocery stores, you can get a lot more cans. You can get a can of date juice at the ethnic grocery store.

Eel squeezins. Those foreigners. For making goulash. Sure, right. I like how the guy said he politely declined the fight. Yeah. There's a choice there. There is a choice.

There's totally a choice. Two people have to participate, except for that one time that guy punched me in the face. Oh, no. I told this story on Jordan Jesse Go 12, this kid that was maybe 15 or 16 was walking the opposite way down, gosh, I'm going to say Valencia Street, right in front of St. Luke's Hospital in San Francisco. And we were both wearing the same 49ers jacket. And we got within like four or five feet of each other.

And I said, hey, nice jacket. And he punched me in the face. That's a classic punch in the face story. It is. I guess the guy thought I had a punchable face. I had a punch face. Do you think that was the guy on Twitter trying to apologize? Yeah, probably was.

I would say that the tone of his other tweets were not apologetic. Guys, I'm not going to lie. When somebody first told me what a butter face was, I thought it meant like a cute chubby face. Oh, yeah. Like cherubic. Yes. Like a little angel made of butter. Yes.

That's exactly what I thought. Like rosy cheeks. Yeah. And I went, I have a butterface. And they're like, no, Kimmy, you don't have a butterface. So when I say punch face, I think that's like a delicious Kool-Aid punch or something like that. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

It's going to be like a tropical punch. Like a tutti frutti haritos. Yes. Or like a party drink that has a scoop of sorbet in it. Juicy ass, juicy face. They got big feet, too. Yeah. Hello.

You hear that, DFCon 2013? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Oh, more like DTFCon. Sorry. Now we can. Okay. Now we can call it. We'll be back in just a second.

Why didn't I say that earlier? Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you really been terrific. Thanks, guys. No, no, no. Please let me just talk, okay? I just want to talk for one second.

Okay, please, guys. Just let me just talk. Bow, bow, bow. Bow, bow, bow. Fart. Question mark. I'm interested in if young people out there are interested in uh an elaborate meta 1940s singing singing dancing parody act that features a dumb one they might be interested in the apple sisters new record album i thought you were going to

say the pupini sisters but i appreciate you saying the Apple Sisters. Thank you very much. Where do you think they might be able to obtain such a recording? Well, they could go to theapplesisters.com and download it directly from our website.

I bet if they went there, they could also find out about future performances by the Apple Sisters in places like Las Vegas, Nevada, Los Angeles, New York, and all across this great country. Probably Eugene, Oregon. Indeed.

We'd do it on a treetop, an Apple treetop. How appropriate. How delightfully appropriate. It's really been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. You're both gentlemen of comedy. Gentlesmen. Gentlesmen. Gentlesmans.

And a special thank you to Colin Marshall this week on the boards. He gave us a thoughtful nod. Filling in for Brian Fernandez, who was at San Francisco Sketch Fest this week. We forgot to plug his show last week, so for that I apologize. Hopefully you went. Yes. Hopefully you enjoyed it. And I just want to make, if I could, one quick mention of our sponsor, BoatParty.biz.

Why not? Sounds like a fun thing to mention. You know what? I've heard a lot of buzz about BoatParty.biz on social media websites. Like Twitter, LinkedIn, Vine. A lot of people are vining about making short videos

about Bo Party making short vids about BoParty.biz Twitties Twitties yeah people are people are putting

those up they're putting them on the glass they're Twitties they're putting those up there and they're seeing it in magazines

FaceSnark yeah isn't that it's really popular sure sure what about Apple iPhone yeah I've seen it a lot in that website Face Snark. Yeah. Isn't that that? Sure. It's really popular. Sure. Sure. What about Apple iPhone? Yeah.

I've seen it a lot in that website. Bluffington Post. BuzzWeb. BuzzWebs. Ebalm's World. Socialbookface. Yeah. .web bookie facetime

waterski animal google hangout dot net dot boatparty.biz google hot tub yeah google hot tub sure

I've also seen a lot of viral street campaigns for boatparty.biz oh like stenciling people doing graffiti stencils did you know that if you see a lot of viral street campaigns for boat party. It's like stenciling people doing. Yeah. Like the stencil. Did you know that if you see a picture of a boat, that's actually.

Oh, viral marketing. Viral campaign designed by Shepard Fairey. I didn't know that. From Barack Obama. Yeah. From the popular president. Yeah. Based on the popular president.

Yeah. He's he's on. Anyway, the point is, if you see a boat, if you go to a party, you know what that's supposed to be reminding you of. The biz. Heineken. Wait, did I get that wrong? Boat party dot biz. It's a great beer you can get in most bars.

And many boats. Oh, okay. You'd be surprised. How many boats? It's a nautical beverage. Oh, okay. You'd be surprised. How many boats? It's a nautical beverage. Oh, okay. As well. It holds notes very well.

All right. The bottles are perfect sizes if you get lost at sea. If you don't visit BoParty.biz, you'll never see a picture of a boat. You'll never have a box to type your email address into. And at the end of the day, who really loses there? You. You know, your whole family. These are tough times, Jordan.

Absolutely. You know what I mean? They're not tough times for me, guys. You're doing great. Doing great, guys. I'm on second date all the time. You're in a constant state of second date. That's right. That's the name of my book. Constant state of second date. Sorry. It's like a Dianetics thing.

Yeah. You can catch Kimmy talking about constant state of second date on the my book. Constant State of Second Date. Yeah. Sorry. It's like a Dianetics thing. Yeah. Oh, boy. You can catch Kimmy talking about Constant State of Second Date on the Oprah Winfrey Network on her new show, which is called, let's take it to the zoo. Wait, it's called A Nice Dinner. It's called, yeah. It's called Flying a Kite. A Nice Dinner and a Lot of Prompts. Yeah. That's called flying a kite. A nice dinner and a lot of promise.

That's your motto. You guys know me so well. Thanks for doing your research on Wikimania. You bet. Anyway, if you want to get that. It's called nice dinner and then going to a bar near the restaurant. If you want to check out that Apple Sisters album, I recommend you go online to their website, boatparty.biz. Yep.

And you can grab it there. And you go online to their website, boatparty.biz. Yep. And you can grab it there. For Jordan Morris, I'm Jesse Thorne. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. This week's show, engineered by Colin Marshall, edited by the great Brian Fernandez. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.