Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 264: Murderous Pigs with Dan Telfer

Episode Date: February 26, 2013

Comedian Dan Telfer joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of farm animals, German perverts, Jordan's trip to see Endeavor, the unveiling of Boatparty.biz and Jesse's new headwear.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. There's a little rasp in there. There's a little bit of rasp. Up in here. Yeah, and Jesse, you're pointing to your throat, your esophagus.

Yeah, if you couldn't hear that, that's on you. Yeah. Audience. I say in there. Jesse, you're pointing to your throat, your esophagus. Yeah. If you couldn't hear that, that's on you. Yeah. Audience. If you couldn't hear the point. Yeah. Yeah. It was right next to the microphone. Guys, you got to listen for the point.

This is the kind of close listening that I ask of our audience. Sure. And also, I think you should be explicating the program. Yeah. We're kind of like the flaming lips in that we want you to listen to this podcast on five different stereos. Yeah, exactly. To really get the nuances, the throat points. Also, I'm in a giant hamster ball.

So in those two ways, we're like the flaming lips. Sure. Also, you should be shrooming. Yes. We suggest. You live in an eccentric mansion also. Farmhouse? Farmhouse?

I think that guy lives – the Wayne Coyne. I think he lives on a weird farm. Does he really? Yeah, I think so. Where does he live? Boston? Our buddy Brian Heater went to visit him. No, it's something like Oklahoma.

It's something super rural. It's not even like a – I don't know. Norman, Oklahoma? I don't remember enough of the story to comment. I think he lives at a weird farm, and I think it's in Oklahoma. Okay. Yeah. You ever been to a farm?

I think I can vaguely remember a farm field trip as a kid. Let's bring our guest in. We'll find out if he's ever been to a farm. You know him as a stand-up comedian, home base, of course, Chi-town, Chicago, Illinois, visiting here to Los Angeles. No, you moved here to Los Angeles? He's moved here to Los Angeles. I didn't know that.

I hope you're listening for all this nonverbal communication, by the way, audience. This is why. Play it on five stereos, preferably a hi-fi. You know what I recommend? Get a really good set of cans. Yeah. You know what I mean? Don't just go cost-poor to pro.

That's a great value, but I would say upgrade to a Grado. Sure. Mr. Dan Telfer is our guest. Hello. How are you? I'm well. And you, Dan? Have you ever been to a farm?

I grew up in a variety of suburbs, one of which was quite rural. So I actually was adjacent to many farms. So this was some kind of farm suburb? One of them was. One of them. quite rural, so I actually was adjacent to many farms. So this was some kind of farm suburb? One of them was. Elwood, Illinois. What kind of farms did they have there? Well, mostly corn, as much of the Midwest is mostly corn. Did you ever fall into any of the machinery?

You know what? It was a constant phobia. It was always like there was – I did cut myself on several rusty nails and think I was obviously going to die immediately. Sure. Stepped on one. What about – let's stop talking about – A lot of exploring barns full of blades and old-fashioned equipment. I want to know about farm animals.

Those are my favorites. Tell me about some farm animals you met as a youth in Elmwood, Illinois, or whatever you just said. Elwood. Elwood. It's like the Blues Brother. Right. I also lived in Joliet, the other Blues Brother.

Sure. I lived in Shemp, Curly Joe Dorita. Yeah. Sure. I grew up in Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack, California. Yeah, yeah. I remember, I'm a big- Can I just say that I grew up in Ghostbusters? Yeah. Okay, great. That remember, I'm a big- Can I just say that I grew up in Ghostbusters?

Yeah. Okay, great. That's a fun thing to say. I kind of want to stop what you're talking about and just pretend we all grew up in Ghostbusters. Wouldn't that be amazing? That would be a lot of fun, but we're talking about farm animals here, Dan. Refocus. Refocus.

Farm animals. All right. Do you think that when Rodney Dangerfield was dancing in Caddyshack- No, Jordan. He knew what song they were playing? Or did you think, because the dance he does in Caddyshack is so crazy. Like, do you think he knew they were playing that Journey song? Or is it like, hey, Rodney, just fucking dance. We're going to throw in a big hit later.

Jordan. Yeah. We're trying to talk about farm animals. Oh, sorry. But what do you guys, just real quick, do you think he was – just say yes or no. Do you think he heard the Journey song or not? No, absolutely not. Okay.

That's just – they worked that in because he just dances like that. I don't think he heard the Journey song until the day – through the day he died. I think he's in heaven right now. Yeah. In Jewish heaven. He's being busted by Ghostbusters right now. He's in Jewish heaven right now. You mean hell.

Never having heard that song. Yeah. Can we get back to the farm animals, what's important here? So, Dan. Yeah. Tell me about what kind of farm animals you met. I met sheeps. I met goats.

Goats. Chickens. I've been chased around by chickens. I thought they were going to kill me. There's a lot of different animals on a farm, gentlemen. I've been chased around by chickens. I thought they were going to kill me. There's a lot of different animals on a farm, gentlemen.

I think that there's no doubt, and frankly, that there can be no doubt, that the best animal on a farm is a goat. I'll tell you why. It's the only one with a beard. Yeah. Disposes of all those annoying cans. It can see in other dimensions. Have you ever seen their pupils? They got those weird cuttlefish retinas where they can see like in. Wait, what?

They can see in a parallel dimension because they have weird. Wait, like a goat could see your future? That's what I like to think. Yeah. I mean, it just has a weird shaped eyeball, but it looks so strange that I'm convinced that goats and cuttlefish can see in other dimensions. Now I want to see a version of the movie Looper with goats. That would be pretty cute. It's on you, Channel 101.

That would be the place for it. Time to submit. Wait, no, no. What do you mean when they can see in another dimension? They can see your anxieties? Time and space are both measurable things, and it can peel apart the universe and see between its folds. Huh.

Much like a big comforter on a bed could be a G.I. Joe base. So you're saying – Jordan, what I'm trying to tell you here is Dan Telfer is trying to sell you a load of hooey. Is he? No. This guy is trying to – They have weird eyeballs and I don't know why. He's from the heartland of America, Jesse.

That's true. His main anxiety growing up was falling into machinery. That was one of many glorious, deluxe, there's a plethora of anxieties I had as a child. Yeah. I had another farm animal thing. Have you ever seen a monster pig on a farm? I'm sorry? Those pigs that are unnaturally large and have tusks and look like they've bred with a boar at some point.

No, that's great, though. It is great. Tell me more about this animal. I once met a pig, and it was bigger than I was, and I tried to pet it. And then my friend's mom said, oh, don't pet Charlie. He took Uncle Dave's, you know, thumb off once. Like, they just eat people parts, and they keep them. Why do you keep around a man-eating pig?

That's what terrified me. To keep the kids in line? I guess. But, like, I think they're going to eventually butcher it or take it to, like, you know, like those competitions. Like, what's the fattest pig? And they give you a bunch of money. I bet the meat is the sweetest from an evil pig. I bet the more evil the pig, the sweeter the meat.

That's got to be true. And if it's digested human at some point, you know there's a little bit of your family. All I really know about real life pigs, I know a lot about one particular fictional pig. Beast of the Southern Wild Apocalypse pigs, right? That's the one pig that you know a lot about. Babe from Babe 2, Pig in the City. That's a little obscure for me. The pig Babe.

But the only thing I know about real life pigs. Guys, let's go around the room. Oscar picks. The only thing I know about real life pigs is Tom Arnold from True Lies. Yeah. You know him. He was on. Oh, just side note.

I caught 20 minutes of True Lies on AMC the other day. Forgot how racist it was. Yeah, it's really racist. Why did they play it on TV? I haven't seen it in 15 years. Yeah, I mean obviously came out in an era where you could just say as many awful things about people from the Middle East. Oh, is that where it was racist? They were just like, oh, look at those young people.

The bad guys are called the Crimson Jihad, literally. I'll tell you – go ahead, Jordan. Oh, sure. But I watched the scene where Jamie Lee Curtis has to go in and strip for Schwarzenegger, who she doesn't know is Schwarzenegger at that point. So she gets the assignment from Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold calls and he says, okay, you have to – you're a prostitute named Carmen and you're – You know Carmen, one of those people?

Right. An opera prostitute. So you go – yeah. So it's like you go into his room and she's like, I'm not going to have to. And Tom Arnold is like, no, no. He just likes to watch. And then she becomes okay with it. I mean, it's not sex, but I mean, it's implied that a guy's going to jack off in front of

you. But she's just okay with that? I don't know. Look, there's a couple of things. I recently watched all of True Lies, maybe six, nine months ago on Netflix, because I just wanted to know what I would think of True Lies as an adult. Sure. There were a couple of things that struck me.

One was the racism. Yeah. I was appalled. Appalled. It was like watching, you know how like in some of the old Disney movies there's crows that are just stand-ins for racist versions of black people? Okay. So it's sort of like that only with actual people and it's Middle Easterners. Right.

So like it is – And Tia Carrera is their leader. Yeah. It is like a full on – They need a bosomy Asian woman to tell them what to do. It is a full on crazy minstrel show. It is insane how far they go. So there was that.

That was one thing. Number two, I still kind of enjoyed it. Number three, Arnold Schwarzenegger. it number three arnold schwarzenegger i guess i had forgotten this because i had not watched an arnold schwarzenegger movie since like last action hero sure arnold schwarzenegger is horrible especially when he has to tell a joke and there's so much comedy in that movie like the first half of that movie is like a goofy comedy yeah before it becomes a racist bloodbath. I was so happy when Last Action Hero came out, and people were like, is this the end of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Because I was like, yes, okay.

He's been so bad for so long, and no one will fess up to it. He's so bad. Yeah. Like, what was the appeal of that? Yeah, it's so funny when you watch something and he just ruins a line so hard. You're like, what were the other takes like? Yeah. There was worse takes.

Yeah. Okay, so that was thing number three. And then thing number four was I was like, you know what? Fucking Tom Arnold is great in this movie. Yeah, I remember as a kid. He really enlivens the whole thing. He's really funny. He really carries the movie.

I remember. I really clearly remember seeing that movie in the theater. That was my favorite kind of movie as a kid was the crazy action movie because it felt like, hey, I'm seeing a grown-up movie. Going to see RoboCop 2 was huge for me. Those are the R movies you first heard about

were like Predators and Terminators. Yeah, yeah. I just remember there's something where Tom Arnold is getting shot at and he hides behind a pole or or something. And, you know, the guns all go off and then he checks himself to see if he's been shot and then checks his junk. And I remember just thinking like, oh, man, this man's a genius. That was so and Jimmy's podcast, Never Not Funny. Oh. And he talked about his time working in an abattoir for pigs. And apparently – OK. So Tom Arnold says all things in the same tone. So you have to understand that as context for this. Like imagine Tom Arnold on Roseanne or Tom Arnold in True Lies

or that kind of manic. I mean, he just only talks one way. So he tells this story about this grisly old pig that is, he's working on, he told two insane stories. The more insane of which may be. One of the stories involved it being like 20 minutes before closing time he's

working on the line and his buddy wants to go to the bathroom and in order for him to go to the bathroom they would have to stop the line and so tom arnold's like come on you're gonna make us all have to go home late because you had to go take a piss like we're almost done just wait until we're done and he said no i, I really got to go. So Tom Arnold decided he could do both of the jobs at the same time so they wouldn't have to stop the line. Cut his thumb off on some kind of rotating knife and was like – and he said, well, what my thought was was – he said it was like flapping. And he said, well, the only good news is I get to go home early. But they stopped the line.

The doctor came down, sewed his thumb back on, and sent him back to work. Wow. And so everyone had to go home late because they had to stop the line while they were sewing Tom Arnold's thumb back on. Oh, God. So there's that. That's number one. Sure. The other fucking story he told is him and his buddy are working the intake on the fucking scale for the pigs.

So the pigs come in. They weigh them. They make an offer to the farmer. The farmer says yes or no. And he said there was this one nasty old pig, one of those kind of pigs you were talking about. Monster pig? A monster pig.

Is that their technical name, Dan? No, that is what I would call them when I would cry later. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said that these things weren't much use. So they would often turn them away. But this farmer seemed like he really needed the money. So he made him a sort of lowball offer.

And they have to get him up on the scale. So as they're getting him up on the scale, the pig starts to go apeshit. And it starts swinging its head around, fucking has, you know, what do you call that? Tusks. Has tusks, gets Tom Arnold's best friend's artery in his thigh, and he just bleeds out and dies right in front of Tom Arnold's best friend's artery in his thigh and he just bleeds out and dies right in front of Tom Arnold.

And Tom Arnold takes a huge metal pole and whacks the pig with all his strength in the nuts. And then the pig goes down and then they kill it. Wow. And then the pig goes down and then they kill it. Wow. It's like, you know, I guess you think about – when you think about Tom Arnold, it's like, well, this is the guy who just got famous because he was dating Roseanne when she was the most famous person. It's like, I don't know. After hearing that, maybe he just kind of – he deserves a break.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. That guy undoubtedly deserves a break and also talented guy. Sure. I mean he's no Roseanne. No. But a very talented guy. He's no Darlene.

You know, let him host my big redneck wedding on CSN. Oh, yeah. Is he? I think he does. I would not begrudge him that. I think that's what he does. I mean, the man is a funny man. That is fucking horrifying. I bet it was his call after that scene in True Lies to grab his junk.

I bet he took Cameron aside and says, hey, can we do that one more time? I got something. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I got something. Be sure not to make sure that the crew knows something's coming so they don't laugh and ruin the take. Yeah. You know what I mean? But don't tell them what it is because I need that magic. Sure.

You need that energy. Did I mention that my best friend died in front of me? He was killed by a murderous pig. Anyway, you know what? I'm going to ruin it for you. I'm going to grab my own nuts. Yeah. All right.

Let's roll. I'm ready when you guys are. Tom Arnold said where he lived in Iowa, he was going to community college at the time, that was the good job. Oh, sure. Iowa is a terrifying place in some places. I mean I've driven through large chunks of it and it's – What's terrifying about it? I guess I have no opinion of Iowa.

The volume of corn. I've driven through what? Like Dubuque, the Quad Cities, Riverside, all sorts. But like anytime you stop somewhere and it's a small town and you're like, oh, this seems like an interesting town. And if you look it up later, it is like a legendary serial killer town. And then everyone's like, oh, I can't believe it's serial killer. But there's one in every town. Like every town has 300 people and like 10% of them have been serial killers.

town is 300 people and like 10 of them have been serial killer you're like i got i got these adorable hummel figurines from from a little old lady who has a second hand store and they're like oh i know that i know that town that's where the skin wearer lives exactly that's and and you'd get that sense after you drive through it for eight hours and it's just nothing but corn like somewhere there's a teenager desperate for viscera you know just like come on i've seen the movies there's a teenager desperate for viscera, you know, just like, come on, I've seen the movies. There's more to this world and I'll never escape. I have to create it in my basement. I'm just picturing someone telling their friend like, you know, I was in Ames. I visited that Iowa Writers Workshop and it's really beautiful.

What an amazing place to learn your craft. And they're like, yeah, except for guest artist Michael Chabon killed three teenage girls and drank their blood before returning to the Bay Area to write his Berkeley novel. I had fun in Dubuque, though. I had fun in Dubuque. That's great. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Telfer, luxurious hedgehog.

He has that fucking bullet in the chamber. Yeah. No, no, I didn't We were just talking about animals And I was thinking about what if a farm animal Was a hedgehog And how great that would be And if it loved luxury Yeah, well, I just I was like, well, we could make this a little decadent

Wouldn't the problem be That you would probably be an English country farm And it would be fucking up your hedges? Do they fuck up hedgehogs? I think hedgehogs, that's their whole deal, isn't it? But no, they're really fast and they love rings. But do you worry... Do you...

They're blue. You're thinking of something else, Jesse. Oh, sorry. Yeah, but who cares about your hedges? They're already like the squirreliest thing on your property. Who cares about your hedges? How are you going to defineirreliest thing on your property. Who cares about your hedges? How are you going to define spaces on your property and keep your neighbor out of your shit? But they're too small to like uproot a hedge. They're these wiggly ass little.

English people do a thing where they just walk through. Hedge mazes all day? No, fucking the countryside. For like a week, they go on vacation and they just walk from pub to pub with a stick and a beard and a dog, like the dog from the beginning of Downton Abbey. And if you don't have hedges, they could just walk right

into your backyard. And they're drunk too, so. They're like, oh, Bill Bryson told me to. Fuck you. You gotta stay out out i got big ass hedges i'm not letting any hedgehogs in there to fuck them up i think a hedgehog at best could tilt a hedge i don't think they could cause wanton hedge they kill they eat the roots or something oh oh they murdered like oh shit that's what i think there's like some there's some film noir happening under the hedge they're killing the the hedge. Look, I'm American. You got to send your detective hound dog after him.

I'm American. This isn't my area of expertise. I'll admit that front and center. However, I presume the hedgehogs eat the roots and then the hedge dies and then one of these fucking country gamblers, that's gamble with an O, fucking strolls right into your backyard and pretty soon he's fucking your wife. Yeah. He's busting all your antiques with his shillelagh.

You know what I'm talking about, Jordan. I know exactly what you're talking about. You're right here with me. This got so insidious, though. He's fucking your wife, busting up your antiques. Man. God. He's unspooling the music card on your player piano.

Jordan, I told you we shouldn't have booked Dan Telfer this week. I told you, James Harriot. Let's book James Harriot. Who's that? He's the creator of all things great and small. Oh, okay. I don't think he would be good. He would be really good.

He's one of those guys that's mad because we're running our mouths and not asking him about his latest project. That's the best book. He's one of those guys. That's the best book and television series about a country veterinarian ever. You are right about that. Does he train hedgehogs to destroy people's hedges so he can drunkenly wander into people's houses? You know what?

I didn't come here to wander through your fantasy life, Dan. You don't train the hedgehogs to do it. It's their natural way of being in the world. They're hungry. There's some roots there. They're going to chew them and eat them. I just thought they would be like the familiar of like a of a Britain warlock. Oh, yeah, sure.

Like they're doing his bidding. Get your head out of the clouds, Telfer. Get your feet down here on the ground where the rest of us live in real England from all creatures great and small. James Harriot, country veterinarian. Goats, probably.

The wind in the willows was real, right? Oh, Jesus. This guy can't even tell the difference between fantastical fiction and realist fiction. God. We're going to have to send you to the Ames Writers Workshop. All right. Che Bon's a guest artist there. He does pretty realistic fiction from what I've been told.

Not a lot of anthropomorphism, but I guess it's real. Anyway, moral of the story is goat's the best farm animal because it eats anything. It has a beard, and it's really really funny and it doesn't like anything. What animal would you like to see on a farm that's not currently featured? That's a really great question. It'd have to be practical on some level. That's a really great question, Dan. I'm glad you asked it.

First of all, I want to thank all of the people who let me know what kind of animal I was thinking of when I went to the zoo recently. The serval. That's an excellent animal. It's a very tall cat. With huge ears. And a giant jumping ability. Apparently some crazy people keep them as house pets.

Yeah, I think I remember seeing a weird shady website for serval kittens. Yeah, I went on, somebody linked to a home serv all video on our um forum and i click through and then you know when you click on one video of a type a variety of videos on the side happened like the other day when i watched one vice video then all of a sudden it thought i wanted to watch a video it was an interview with a real-life cannibal. Yeah.

Which I did not. You know, that's why all my videos are Tilda Swinton nip-slip. You search for one. I ended up watching this video. To be fair, they're all pretty good. Do you know these kind of ladies that do makeup vlogging? You know, it's a thing and they're like... I'm not surprised it exists.

It's the main thing on the internet, basically. It's the only thing you can count on being popular. I'm imagineering this video in my mind right now. It was, again, get your head out of the car. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. This video was like this weird, vacant young woman, like reasonably good looking but hard to tell because she was wearing so much makeup lying on a bed and talking like this

about her serval. She's like some people say Wait was she Wait she wasn't applying the makeup though this was an

The makeup was on Okay and how Okay It looked like a Mary Kay convention which I once stayed at a hotel that was hosting a Mary Kay convention so I know what that looks a hotel that was hosting a Mary Kay convention.

So I know what that looks like. There was a lot of leopard print, I'll tell you. So she was just lounging while this monster cat was in her house. Yes, her huge, like, man's torso-sized cat. And she's just going, some people say that servals are dangerous, but they're not. My serval is really wonderful. It's very loving. Oh, man.

You know, that's just like, that's the cat version of the people who own the chimp that when it becomes adolescent, rips your balls off. She looked like she should be accompanying Fred Durst to the Streamy Awards. She just had those dead eyes. Sure. You know, like just a dead-eyed 23-year-old that hangs out on the Sunset Strip. Yeah. And she's probably making more Google ad money than we'll see in a year.

I know. Talking about that serval. Did she at least show the serval that you know it's in her house? Yeah. No, you see the serval. I mean, the serval is an amazing fucking animal. in her house. Yeah, no, you see the serval.

I mean, the serval's an amazing fucking animal. Yeah. And I can see why people, especially weird people who are already weird cat people, like why they would want to have this, because it's like a cat, but amazingly cool. Yeah. And that's not an insult to cats, who I think are regular amount of cool, but a serval is like un-fucking-real, and it would be cool to have it in your house. It's unreal because it lives in a place that humans don't so much. Yes.

Well, that and it has super long legs, so it seems like that walking bed from Little Nemo. And if they live mainly off vultures that they snab from the sky, that might pose a danger to your house. Yeah. Okay. So back to the issue at hand, which is what animals should be on a farm that aren't? And I see you're thinking about cats. But you can't milk a cat?

Well, a huge tortoise is the first one. Like a barn. Like there's barn cats. Yeah, there are some barn cats. But a barn serval, I don't know. If you have vulture problems, it might be good. Instead of a scarecrow, you just get a servalal, I don't know. If you have vulture problems, it might be good. It might be too cold. Instead of a scarecrow, you just get a serval to run around your cornfield.

Or you could just stop leaving all that carrion out. Nah, that's a big problem on most farms. A lot of farms are just leaving. All your murder victims just all over. Sure, but I think a giant tortoise is my... You know the kind of tortoise where it's like three, four feet long? I don't understand the appeal of the giant

tortoise. He's not functional. That's why they don't have them on farms. What's delightful about it? He's a big tortoise and he just goes around. I'm going to outlive you. I eat an entire head of lettuce or cabbage. Cabbage would be more fun. Wouldn't it become a problem?

Wouldn't they eat all the lettuce? No. Wouldn't it go through all the farmer's crops? No, you just make sure to give him a head of cabbage sometimes when he's hungry. Yeah, that's why the sharks don't eat the fish in the aquarium. Yeah, they're not hungry.

Do you know anything about aquariums, Dan? What if this is like a ravenous tortoise? Dan, if you give enough money to the aquarium, if you become a member of the aquarium, you can take a starfish out of the tide pool and throw it like a frisbee. Wow. Jordan Groprich. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We had our fucking run of the place. If you give them enough money, you think they'd let you wrestle a dugong? Yeah. That's my dream. I'm not kidding at all. If you pledge platinum membership, you get to Greco-Roman wrestle a dugong. They could take a person, I think.

That would be fun to find out. Jordan had a dolphin do that thing where it sticks its head out of the water and goes, and then he pissed on it. Did you see that amazing video? Yeah, my dad ponied up the money, so nobody could say shit. I'm glad. What happened to the video? There's a video of a girl, it says

Yeah, with the serval. Yeah, I've seen it. We were just talking about that. With the dolphins, you're supposed to... Tilda Swinton is at the Independent Spirit Awards, and she's got a loose-fitting dress, and you can kind of see her nips. Yeah, I've seen the video. We've seen the internet. We've seen every video. She's part dolphin also.

You can tell just from looking at her, from her bizarrely smooth skin. Yeah, she has a weird film on her skin. The eyes that were clearly birthed at the bottom of the sea. Yeah, the girl gets her hand bitten by a dolphin at SeaWorld, where she's dangling the fish and not paying attention, and there's a sign behind her that says, don't dangle a fish, just throw it to the dolphins. And she's like, I'm not paying attention. And it just dank like right on her hand.

It made me really happy because I was like, that's what happens. And you fuck with dolphins. I love animal attacks when the animal wins and nothing bad happens to the animal. That is the highlight of my life. You're rooting for a return to wilderness. Absolutely. You don't believe a return to wilderness. Absolutely. You don't believe in man's dominion over the beast.

Not at all. What animal would you like to see at a farm? I kind of like your tortoise idea. Yeah, see? Everyone likes that idea because it's a great idea. You could go have a picnic and put a little tea table on it. If you wanted. I guess the tortoise, to me, is always in the category of weirdo pet.

Like this is the pet of a man with a long gray ponytail. Wow. And I don't think we want those types hanging around. It's not like it's an iguana. Yeah, but it's the same kind of guy has a tortoise, right? No. That's the same dude? A family has a tortoise, right? No. That's the same dude? A family has a tortoise, and it lives in their backyard.

And here's what I like about this idea, is usually when you domesticate an animal that's not usually domesticated, they start to get larger in captivity. As they breed, they become older and larger, and they're already huge. How awesome would it be if all of a sudden you had a car-sized tortoise just walking around a farm? That would be pretty good. Yeah, and if he had a steering wheel? There you go. And like a turn signal every time he turned.

You got it. What animal do you think you would add to a farm, Jordan? Boy, I mean, I think I'm going back to like mini antelopes, like a dick dick. Right. Watch them bound around. What about one of these animals? I went back to the zoo the other day. Yeah.

I had such a good time when I went to the zoo the first time. I took Simon again. And one of the things that I really like is these kind of weird things that you want to call a – I would call it the category of animal is crazy horned animal. Like an animal with horns that go sideways in a corkscrew or like, you know what I'm talking about? Just a huge animal with crazy horns. Like a muskox?

But it's not, but it's much crazier than that. Like you think it's just a muskox. So this is an animal that doesn't exist? No, these are real animals. And you see like a muskox and you see the animal from really far away and you're like, that's just a muskox. And then you get a little closer, you know, close enough to really get a good look at it. And it's got fucking half tiger stripes and it's got crazy Google horns.

You know what I mean? Horns that you could use to search the internet. Yeah. No, I mean like you think it, like, you know about yaks. Like, that's just some shit you know about. Water buffalo, you know about that already. But tiger corkscrew crazy ass. But why does this thing have zebra stripes on it?

You know what I mean? Like, where is this from? Because it thinks it's better than you. It's from Madagascar every time. Every time. It's from Madagascar every time. Every time. People who live in Madagascar must have a fucking zoology boner at all times.

Madagascar, Tasmania. I think they're just over it. But when they come here and see a brown pigeon, they probably lose their shit. They're like, it's just brown! Because it's so simple. It's sort of like a Bauhaus type thing. Or do you think they're so worried about a lemur jumping sort of like a Bauhaus type thing. Exactly. Or do you think they're so worried about a lemur jumping out of a bush and strangling them like they do back home that they don't even pay attention? Lemurs are murderous.

On the topic of father-son outings, I was somewhere today where I saw some fucking serious father-son shit going on. Where did you go? I went to the science center to see the Space Shuttle Endeavor. So here in Los Angeles, they have – when they retired the last of the space shuttles, one of them went somewhere on the East Coast I think and one of them went here to Los Angeles. And it was huge news here in LA. I don't think – I can't think of anything. Certainly there's a mayoral election going on right now that I have heard 10 percent of the amount of information that I heard about this space shuttle coming to Los Angeles. There's like a fun time lapse video you can watch of the space shuttle like driving all around town. That's actually pretty fun.

Oh, and also speaking of guys with long gray ponytails, in front of me in the line to get in was like a biker club of like old guy bikers. And they had these jackets with like their biker patches all over it, your skulls, Harley Davidson logos, knives. But one guy just had a patch above his breast that said treasurer. I like the idea that like the biker gang operates like a student council. Yes. Like there's somebody whose job it is, you know, before every meeting to just say, hey, bikers, can we settle down? Because, you know, you got to-

I like the idea that there is a whole like a whole financial structure to every biker club. So there's a treasurer. There's a bursar. Yeah. There's a comptroller. You know what I'm talking about? Like a whole operation. Sure.

And I imagine them coming in, parking their Harley Davidsons, going into the scary biker bar, specifically the one from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and taking off their black leather jackets, and underneath they have sleeve garters, and then they put on their head one of those green translucent visors. Sure. And they start doing the books. Yeah. Maybe there's a guy who takes the minutes too. Yeah.

Do you think they do cash accounting or – Yeah, but they just use their biker bitches. But they just – it's a trade situation. Right. You're old ladies. Sure. So in front of you is one of these dudes. Yeah.

That's it. That's it. You just had a – But you went to the science center. I went to the science center. By the way, you know how much it costs to see the spaceship? I already told you how much it costs to see the spaceship. Dan, what do you think it would cost to see a real spaceship?

I've spent too much to go to places like this, too. Before you guess, I'll just clarify for you. This fucker's been to space. Yeah. And it's the same one. It's not the recreation of it. Let's say $35 per adult. Dan, two bucks. It costs

two bucks to see this spaceship. I was prepared to throw down a $35. I'm like, I've been wanting to see this thing. I'm doing all right. I'm prepared to throw down the cash. You can't see Shamu for two bucks, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I know. And that's never even been to space.

That's only been to the ionosphere. They really ought to throw some whales in space. Has Shamu been to bucks, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I know. And that's never even been to space. That's only been to the ionosphere. Oh, they really ought to throw some whales in space. Has Shamu been to the ionosphere? Yeah. Transparent aluminum, right? Yeah. Star Trek 4. So, yeah.

So, there's some, like... Okay, okay. The main thing, before you go into to see the spaceship, it's in some like – so it's the – OK, OK. The main thing before you go into the – see the spaceship. It's in like this – they built a special hangar just for the spaceship. So you have to do some science museum stuff before you go out into the hangar. And there's like all these like space exhibits and there's a really, really in-depth display where you learn how a space toilet works. It's pretty amazing. There are stirrups.

If you want to go number one, there's a long hose. And depending on if it's a man or woman doing the number one, there's a different attachment. It's like a vacuum. There's a lady one that's in the shape of a vagina. A vulva, yes. A vulva. And the man one, there's one. It's like a sheath that makes –

It's like a condom. Yeah. I know about this because I read Packing for Mars, our friend Mary Roach's book about space stuff. Yeah. And I would say that – it's tough to say for sure because the space fucking part was pretty great. But the space shitting part was pretty great too. Apparently in this one that I saw, aiming is the issue in space. Zero G, when you're defecating in zero G, aim is an issue.

It seals when you sit down on the toilet. It creates a vacuum seal to suck the poop out of your butt. This is real. I'm not making this up. Oh, I know way too much about this myself. And the thing that really blew my mind that seemed like it was designed by a German pervert was that there's a camera. There's a camera in the toilet, and you have a screen, so you can make sure you're aiming right.

Wow. So it's part of the deal where you watch yourself shit on a tiny screen. Oh, God, no. Really? Yeah, we're not Lance Bass. It is way too expensive. They'll never get just any old view. But we're not even Joey Fatone.

I'm only 31 years old. I'm still – I plan to be space worthy in 25 years. Space worthy means billionaire though. That's how you do it. You pay your own way up there. Now? But think about the difference between 1930 and 1955. No.

For flight. Yeah. I'm just worried it will be like an upper class, lower class kind of thing. Yeah, you plan to be upper class. Yeah. I'm a business owner, Dan. You're on your way up. You're going to be doing all right by 2030. A very successful network of listener-supported podcasts.

Uh-huh. Which is the business of the future. Yes. Podcasting. So what do you think is going to be the next big podcast innovation that takes you to outer space?

Because I'm not saying you're not already on the cusp of millionaire-dom, but to get to billionaire-dom. Space casting. Space cast? Ooh. Yeah.

Is there any other possible answer to the question what is the next big podcasting innovation that will take you to space? The content is no different. Right.

But it's just in space. So it gives it a quality. So you leave episodes floating. No, we record them in space. Get your head out of the clouds, Telfer. We're talking about a simple podcast. Fun guys like us. Fun ladies sitting around microphones. You know, talking about their days, talking about the Science Center.

They're in space. Okay. It's called a space cast. That's pretty good. And it's only available if you go to outer space to listen to it, right? You can't just download it. Of course you can listen to it. There's only like eight people in space at any given time.

There's no market for that. Do you think because there's Anyone can listen to it. You just have to have a beam it down. Space cast enabled device. Sure. Something that can beam it through the ionosphere. Anyway. So the space

toilet was great. Yeah. Shaped like vaginas and penises. Yeah. Yeah. I bet you could find some way to like fuck the tube too i bet they fuck there because i mean i imagine the the issue with like what if something gets out like you know if you miss the toilet you know that liquid or the poop matter could like mess with the instruments it seemed to be a big thing that's why they're you know food is freeze-dried because if it gets into pieces. So I imagine you'll also want to ejaculate into something, into a vacuum, right?

Well, the fellas will get blue balls after a while, right? Like at the old, I got to have a wet dream or I got to take care of business. Yeah, yeah. Sooner or later they have to expel. Right. And they can't sleep with the sheath. They don't want it to happen in the night times. Yeah.

You want to do it on the space toilet watching your space porn. Maybe watching yourself shit will do it. I think maybe there's a special tube they just don't show you. I think there's a special fuck tube. Most astronauts are German perfect. Right. So, yeah. So we saw the – and then we went in to see the see the spaceship.

And I like I've never been a space guy. Like I was never a space kid. Like I remember, you know, my parents buy me like planet magnets in hopes that I would become a space kid. But I was like I was so concerned with dinosaurs that I just could not be bothered. Right. With another educational thing to be interested in. But it was like really, really awe-inspiring. It's like this shit's been to space. Look what men can do. America is great because we invented it.

Yeah. Yeah. We did it better than anybody. Sure. Number one. Yeah. Not like those lying Iranians and their space monkey that didn't actually go into space. Crimson Jihad bullshit.

Yeah, I know. So, yeah, it was it was it was pretty amazing. And there was so much father son like handholding piggyback riding going on here. Like they were kind of piping in this kind of soft orchestral music to increase the awe. They should have just been playing that Cats in the Cradle Silver Spoon song. There was so much like dad-son stuff going on. Like there was a little boy legitimately running around in his Halloween costume space suit. It was fucking great. When a little kid wears a Halloween costume

and it's not Halloween, that's about as good as it gets, right? Can I tell you something? Please. For Christmas, my wife ordered for me. This was my primary Christmas gift. So I went to England to shoot Put This On, and I met this guy named Guy, Guy Hills.

And he is a designer, sort of, who makes, not that he's only sort of a designer, but he's more than that, who makes, who runs this company called Dashing Tweeds. And among other things, basically what he has done is he has designed textiles to be like as tweed is to the Scottish Highlands. So his textiles are to contemporary urban world. So they're inspired by the colors of the city.

And also they are just as, you know, traditional tweeds are hyper-functional for, you know, shooting grouse or whatever, they're hyper-functional for stuff like riding bicycles. So he made things, among other things, tweeds with 3M reflective fabrics in them so that they look totally normal, but you run a flashlight over them and they light up. So this guy is this crazy eccentric. He's like the most eccentric person I've ever met in my entire life who was not at all crazy. And he had this animal hat and it was made out of felt, handmade from felt.

It was a fox hat. And... What's like, to make it look like his head is a fox's head? Yeah. Okay. And he just greeted us

at the door wearing it. And, you know, a few minutes later he said, you know, like, oh, what do you think of my fox hat? My children got it for me. I love it so much. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's a little bit manic too. Sure. And I thought to myself, fuck, that is a really nice fox hat.

That is a really nice fox hat. Like, I would never have in a thousand years have imagined that I would want a fox hat until I saw how nice this fox hat was. It's made by some English artist, like a fine artist on the side she makes. Where do you wear a fox hat? What's the occasion for the fox hat? Just general tooling about? So here's the thing. I tell my wife about this.

She stores it away. And for Christmas... In the spec bank. Yeah. For Christmas, she ordered matching animal hats for me and my son Simon. Okay. And it takes them...

I mean, they're handmade by one person, so it takes a few months for them to come. And they're supposed to be coming imminently. So in the next couple of weeks. And I think that where you wear them is if you have an 18-month-old. You wear them to Instagram. If you have an 18-month-old, I can just put mine on, put his on. We can go fucking anywhere because all it is is me being a great dad.

Yeah. I mean, you definitely have to have the kid, you know, if you don't want to attract other crazies. It's a really nice animal hat. Well, does it make your... No, it's beautiful. Is it big? It's beautiful.

Imagine just... You know those kind of animal hats that kids wear? Does it have a nose? You know... I don't know. Oh, you mean like it's a wool hat with a face on it? You know those kind of... No, you know those kind of like plush hats that have little ears on them and like dangly things?

Yeah, sure, sure. They tie them under their chin. Imagine that, but imagine if that were handmade out of – hand sculpted essentially out of felt and hand painted. Pretty outstanding. Do you know what animal you're getting? Oh, I think I'm getting a fox. Are there other animals? There's several different animals.

Yeah, like badger. Exactly. Like fucking badger. Oh, badger would be pretty amazing. I'm so excited about this. I can't even begin to tell you guys. I can't. I am at a point where I, when this comes, I'm just going to wear it around.

The house? I might keep it here at the office in case I need to wear it here. Like if I need to fire somebody or something. Sure. Oh, that's when people know they're in trouble. When you get the fox hat on. You bet. You got it.

Yeah. Or when you need to feel more sly. Do you think you'll start opening windows and just, like, making it cool around in general? Oh, well, it's that temperature. I've got to put my fox hat on. I'm going to do all kinds of shit to wear this fox hat. We're going to go to the pizzeria, you know,

me and my son wearing our hats, eating some pizza. It's going to be great. This is from the man who yelled at people for riding a unicycle around. This is a beautiful hat. This thing is beautiful. It's a thing of beauty. Your. This is a beautiful hat. This thing is beautiful. It's a thing of beauty. Your son better like wearing this hat. He's a baby.

He's going to have to learn to like this hat. This is the fine art version of the punk rock parents who buy the Ramones onesie. I mean, this is, it's an amazing situation. This is amazing. This hat's amazing. You're going to wear a fox hat around? He'll be wearing a cape within like three months. Yeah. I would like to wear a fox hat around? He'll be wearing a cape within like three months. Yeah. I would like to wear

a cape. My daughter's got a cape. Like an Inverness cape? Is that what we're talking about? Or are we talking about like a superhero cape? I don't want to wear a superhero cape. It's a superhero cape. She wears it to the comic book store. That's more like a cloak. That'd be amazing. Like a Fellowship of the Ring cloak. I want to wear like a Larry David

on Seinfeld cape. Oh, yeah. What's the – a cape isn't functional, right? Like it is just – Yes, it is. It keeps you warm and dry. Okay. It's like a jacket. Okay.

Or a poncho. But your arms don't have to get sweaty because you can just free them up. Yeah. Okay. But it's worse than a jacket because stuff can get in. What do you mean? Like infested? Yeah.

I mean there's more space for dampness. I don't understand capes. Squirrels just live in your cape. Yeah, squirrels get under there. You really don't understand capes. Fox hat. You're going to wear a fox hat out and around? I don't know.

We'll see. It's tempting is all I'm saying. I've never felt this way about something as ridiculous as a fox hat. You've never felt this way. I've never seen a guy's fox hat. Yeah, but I think you might have to step off circus people after fox hat, right? Do you have to, I think you'll have to dial some of that back retroactively. Number one, what's said is said.

Sure. Number two, it had to be said. Can't make fun of furries anymore. Well, we'll see. I mean, the odds that I'll actually wear it around are pretty slim. Yeah. But I'm just saying I'm excited enough. Sure.

I mean, it's not a bandwagon that you're jumping on. You're definitely not one of these handlebar mustache guys. Nope. That's something. So, you know, it is your own eccentricity that you've – Or it's guys. You've imported it. So you you know, even ported it. So you'll be the first American with it.

Yeah. And when all the American Fox hats come, you'll say the English ones are better because they only make six of them per season. Right. And it really helps the quality. Right. Yeah. All right. I mean, I support you.

I feel like these Fox hats are on some fucking Alexander McQueen shit. I support you. I feel like these Fox hats are on some fucking Alexander McQueen shit. This is like some high, this is a high art, high fashion fucking Fox hat here. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see when it comes. Yeah.

Then Simon, yeah, definitely when Simon becomes a teen, you can trot out the old Fox hat pictures to embarrass him in front of his dates. Oh, yeah. Those will be good. Oh, that's going to be great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, Dan Telfer, Murder Snake. He was so ready last time. Do you remember how ready he was last time? I mean, I thought Luxurious Hedgehog was great. I should have stuck with it. Yeah. I think people sometimes feel like they have to do new nicknames. They don't. I just thought Murder Snake it. Yeah. I think people sometimes feel like they have to do new nicknames. They don't.

I just thought murder snake sounded way tougher. Murder snake is pretty tough. Is that the animal you most wish was on a farm? No, I'd rather have a hedgehog on a farm. I think hedgehogs already live on farms. You've got to pick a different animal. Aardvark? What's he doing?

Does he have an anthill? Yeah, he's just got an anthill. He just sticks around the corner. Does he get ants in the farmhouse? No, because he's going to eat them. Oh, I got you. He controls the ant population, but they're ants. And they're like South African ants.

You know what? What animal most belongs on a farm that doesn't live on a farm? 206-984-4FUN. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Give us a call. Let's get some discussion on the forum. Let's get some discussion on Twitter with the hashtag JJ Go. I think this is a kind of topic that really incites passionate people and for good reason. This is the kind of shit people should care about.

I like a sea farm where there's a lot of sea animals that have to be tended to. Like an anemone? Anemones. I would love some dugongs, some deep sea. I don't know what a dugong is. It's like a manatee. It's a kind of manatee. It's like an ocean mammal.

It is a lot of fun to say. I like saying dugong, too. And I feel like they get- It sounds like one of your grandpa's racist terms that you don't- You're like, these dugongs stealing our jobs. It means Slovaks. Right. It's a racist term for Slovaks.

Someone from Greenland. Hey, let's look up on the Jumbotron. We got a couple of messages this week. This one is to Troy from Ricci. It's kind of, oh, this is so sweet. Prepare yourself, Dan. Get some tissue. I'm stealing it.

It's kind of ridiculous how much of a part of our early relationship J.J. Goh and the Max Funn family were. It's only fitting that I say stealing it. Love and laughter. Isn't that beautiful? That's great. Doesn't say anything about sexual chemistry, so I'm just assuming that that's in the toilet. But, you know, love and laughter. Two out of three. And frankly, they didn't ask either of us to perform their ceremony, so that's sort of a disappointment.

Yeah. So, you know. Dan, you're not performing their ceremony, are you? No. I just wanted to make sure, because if you had been performing their ceremony, out of here for you, Telfer. Have you talked to the guys from the Long Shot podcast? Are they performing the ceremony? They might be.

Eddie Pepitone would be good at it. Pepitone would be. He would do a really good job. I would still prefer that it be one of us, but, you know. If you're going to get somebody else, I'd say get Pepitone. Oh, yeah. If you're not going to get Brent Weinbach. Right. It goes us, Pepitone, Weinbach, and Tilda Swinton.

And Tilda Swinton. That's a top four. Only if she flashes a nip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number five is a do-gong. What are they called? Do-gong. Do-gong.

Like banging a gong. Do-gong in a little suit. Yeah, you get one of those. Yeah. Hey, another message up on the Jumbotron. Did you guys know that National Corn Dog Day is March 23rd? Jordan, what's that? National Corn Dog Day is a day to gather with friends, watch the college basketball tournament, and eat corn dogs.

If you visit corndogday.com, you can order a party pack. You click on the party pack button and prepare for your new favorite holiday. Happy Corn Dog Day, everybody. March 23rd. Wow. The Party Packs have coupons for free boxes of corndogs, posters, T-shirts, and maybe even a koozie. Sounds like corndogday.com is a pretty great website to visit. I can only infer that from the information on the Jumbotron right now.

Yeah. From what I see, it sounds like a great website. It sounds like you should go there and click on Party Pack. That's what I would click on. March 23rd. Given right now. Yeah. From what I see, it sounds like a great website. It sounds like you should go there and click on Party Pack. That's what I would click on. March 23rd. Given the opportunity. Yeah. How far away is that from St. Patrick's Day?

When's St. Patrick's Day? I always forget. March 14th. Oh, great. So you'll be all sobered up, ready to fucking go balls to the wall for National Corn Dog Day. Corn dogs are pretty good. Corn dogs are really good.

I used to eat a lot of corn dogs. Were you thinking of that big frozen box of corn dogs from Costco? Oh, yeah. sure, sure. You wrap it in a little paper towel, throw it in the microwave? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I know how to make one of those. Hey, just last week on this program, we were talking about BoatParty.biz. Talking about that with our friend John Glaser from Television Delocated.

Yeah. Well, have I got news for you. Visit BoatParty.biz right now, and you can find out what all the fuss was about. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Yeah, you said it, Jordan. No fucking shit. You better not inhale too much right now because you won't have any more room to inhale when I tell you about the fucking performers on our first ever, first ever comedy and music festival at sea. Probably the first comedy and music festival at sea in the history of human civilization.

Certainly the best. Oh, God. Who's going to be at this comedy and music festival? Well, first of all, let's talk about the comedy side. Okay. We're looking at Al Madrigal, the man of a thousand voices. Eugene Merman from television.

Harikanda Balu from Totally Biased on FX. Super funny comedian. Our friend Jasper Redd, the brilliant Jasper Redd. We got John Hodgman. You've heard him

on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Josie Long from England. We're buying her a plane ticket from England because she's so great. Jordan, you saw her at Max Funcon, right? She's great. Yeah.

Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler. Maybe you've heard of them. Kurt and Kristen. Who knows what sketches they might do? Who knows what sketch I really, really hope they will do? It's Kristen Schaal as a horse. Mark Maron from WTF, another friend of this program. Maria Bamford, the one and only,

the probably too handsome to be a comedian, Mr. Nick Thune. That's quite a lineup. That's great. That is quite a fucking lineup. Oh, my God. Thune plays the guitar, too, which, yeah. But wait, there's more. What about the music?

What about Dan Deacon? What about John Darniel of the Mountain Goats? What about John Roderick of the Long Winters? What about Nellie Mackay? Dan Telfer is making a pretty freaked out face. Broadway's Nellie Mackay. The beautiful and charming Miss Nellie Mackay. Oh, God.

Will she bring her ukulele? Almost certainly. As long as she brings herself. God, she is a charmer, that Nellie Mackay, I'll tell you. Talk to her backstage. Try not to let your heart flutter. This is the best thing I've ever done in my life. I want everyone out there

to know this. We have put so much fucking work into the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival presented by MaximumFun.org along with

KCRW and Splitsider. Very happy to have them on board as well. We'll have a KCRW DJ on board ship. Hey. This is going to be a fucking

extravaganza. Henry is going to be Henry Rollins? It is. It's definitely going to be Henry Rollins. Yes! Holy shit. It's probably not going to be Henry Rollins. There's going to be sea animals. This is going to be... We'll stand on the bow of the ship with our crossbows and take out some of those fucking

dugongs as they swim in the ship's wake. Teaching their goddamn lesson. There's going to be a party in Miami. Yeah. Fucking Will Smith style. Will Smith style. He's not going to be there, right? You should clarify that. Invited guests. Okay. Scheduled to appear.

Scheduled to appear, Will Smith and Jaden Smith from Karate Kid Part 5. Officially penciled in. Karate Kid Part 5 starring Jackie Chan. Okay, look. This is, we've been busting our fucking asses bringing these amazing people together. This is going to be a blowout ass-munching extravaganza.

So analingus is what you're saying. Yes. I'd prefer if you used the technical term. Seriously, there is a fucking private Caribbean island involved in this. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Yeah. Oh, shit. And there's one more thing.

We've got Mark McGrath and friends Cruz in our sights and we are ready to take his ass down I mean it's it's tough I mean that's a that's a pretty tall wall to scale I mean you know obviously we have

Dan Deacon which is great but we don't have Smash Mouth with most of the original lineup. Well, we have Nellie McKay. I mean, I see where you're going with this. We have Nellie McKay, but do we have the spin doctors? No. I mean, what I'm saying is that this is a neck and neck race for best crews.

Well, I've heard that John Hodgman carries a sword and attempts to take over other boats when he's on the ocean. He's got a reputation from the, you know, Jonathan Colton. It sounds possible. It sounds possible. Look, I don't know how you feel about boats. I don't know how you feel about cruises. But I know how you feel about amazing comedy and brilliant music. I know that when you're fucking flipping out, pouring buckets of sweat,

dancing your ass off while Dan Deacon and his fucking band are jamming your fucking asses out on the stage on top of a... In the Caribbean! You're gonna be glad you went. Tickets on sale now. Boatparty.biz. Coming up this September out of Miami.

There's no Max Funcon East this year. Just the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Pretend like this is that if you were waiting for Max Funcon East. I think you should pretend that this is that. The new Max Funcon East. This is going to be even better. I just said it. Wow.

You know, I just came right fucking out of, you heard that lineup. Yeah, it's a good lineup. You're not an idiot. No. We got 10 headliners. Conservatively. Sure. We got people who are going to be hosting shows who could headline any comedy club in

this nation. Invited guests who have been in Karate Kid movies. This is a stadium lineup. Hilary Swank, also invited. This is a fucking stadium lineup. If you've been in a Karate Kid movie. Yeah. And you know what else?

There's going to be a shuffleboard tournament, so suck on that. There you go. Yeah. Damn it. What do you think Mark McGrath has as far as deck sports? I don't know. He's probably got hair tip frosting. That's probably his primary deck sport.

Yeah. You know what Mark McGrath has? He has Rock and Roll Jeopardy versus Mark McGrath, Rock and Roll Jeopardy Legendary. That's pretty fun. It does sound pretty fun. But we got Chuck Bryant from Stuff You Should Know coming. Hey.

He is as much a legend of knowing weird shit as McGrath is of being surprisingly good on Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Charles W. Chuck Bryant, right? You know Chuck Bryant. I know the man. I know the legend. I know the podcast. This is the best thing. Look, if you haven't already bought your tickets by now, you better hope that I can't even.

Sell your children. Sell something. That's a good solution. I got two children. What do you think you can get for those two kids? At least $10,000. They're white, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. They're white, right? Yeah, exactly.

We're running out of white people. Do they have healthy gums? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I always make sure. Good. I mean, if they have gingivitis, then no thanks. No thanks. You've almost got time to make a baby and sell it.

You could promise it to someone with advance payment. Women, bear a child as a surrogate mother. Oh, your wife can give birth on the boat while in international waters, and then the baby can murder. Science has come our way. Anyone. You could just test tube that shit now, right? You don't even need a woman to carry the baby. What I was doing was coming up with a plan for the ultimate assassin who can legally

murder. Oh, okay. See, I just- I just kind of went a different way, I'm sorry. No, I was just thinking about how you could grow babies in laboratories and let the lady come and not have to worry. She can still drink. Yeah.

But then how would he kill with anonymity? That's a great question. Yeah. Anyway, our goal with this thing – Create the ultimate killing machine. Untouchable by the law. We want to make – we want to make – we want to bring the sort of spirit of MaxFunCon to a broader audience. Make the most fun you can have in the space of five days.

And it's online at boatparty.biz. Visit. Tell your fucking friend about it. Tell your sister. Tell your college radio station. Let's fucking do this thing. Boatparty.biz. I'm all in on this shit, Jordan.

We're blowing it out. Good. Got Dan Deacon coming. Sure. John Darnielle from the Mountain Goats. He's going to sing that song, the best death metal band in Denton, Texas. You know that song? Sure.

Fucking inspirational as shit. That shit makes you cry every time because it's about people trying their best. Yeah. And believing in something. Hail Satan. Sure. Hail Satan. Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival.

Comedy. Music. Shuffleboard. Online at boatparty.biz. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Telfer, luxurious hedgehog.

Yeah, you fucking committed to it. Let's take some calls, asshole. Let's go straight to the fucking tape. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Nate from Philly. I am driving into work right now

and I've got a momentous occasion for you. I just passed on a highway a, well, you know those trucks that carry cars on the back of them? Well, I just passed one of those except on the back was another truck that was, you know those trucks that carry cars on the back of them? Well, I just passed one of those, except on the back was another truck

that was, you know, for carrying cars. And on the back of that truck was another truck. And on the back of that truck was a third truck. So three trucks on the back of one truck, all for carrying cars, traveling down the highway. It was a sight to see. Thanks, guys. Have a good one. That's the kind of shit that makes you appreciate

what it is to be alive in America in 2013. You know, I had a car-related sighting that really brightened my day the other day. I was at a stoplight, and there was a guy next to me, standard dad in a big sport utility vehicle, at the stoplight fucking jamming on the harmonica. Oh, wow. It was the best.

And my window was open, and I just laughed. I laughed harder than I have in a long time. And he just made eye contact with me and kind of nodded and kept fucking jamming on the harmonica. Imagine if that dude had had another sport utility vehicle on top of his with another dad inside jamming on the harmonica. Oh, man. Or if there's a tiny dad on top of the harmonica playing a harmonica. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Tiny dad. Or imagine if on one side of you was the dad with the harmonica and on the other side, fucking Boz Skaggs. What? That's the kind of shit I'm talking about. That's America. Yeah.

USA. Fucking Boz Skag about. That's America. Yeah. USA. Fucking Boz Skag. Yeah, the Skagger. Next call, please. Hi, this is Eric from Chicago calling with an omensification. I am calling from my girlfriend's bedroom in her sorority house. Creep. About ten minutes ago, I stood downstairs in the living room just after their sorority initiations being applauded by the entire sorority for having fixed a girl's computer.

Probably one of the strangest moments in my life to date. Look, show. For having what? Yeah. Did you hear it, Dan? I think what he's saying is... A six-year-old computer? Yeah.

He fixed the computer. Everyone applauded him at an initiation. Then he went and hid in the bedroom. Go play it back, Brian. Yeah. He built it up so much, it got really good. Brian, enhance. I'm calling from Chicago calling with an omensification.

I'm calling from my girlfriend's bedroom in her sorority house. About ten minutes ago, I stood downstairs in the living room just after their sorority initiations being applauded by the entire sorority for having fixed a girl's computer. Fixed a girl's computer.

Probably one of the strangest moments in my life today. Look at the show. Moment of shame. He was way too excited just to have... When they applauded, that's kind of an ironic group applaud, right? Yeah. That was mocking. Oh, my God, can you believe it? I mean, you know, he's, I mean, something to be said for this guy.

I mean, he's one of these girls' boyfriends. Yeah. He's sleeping with her, presumably. This guy's having sex. He at least has access. Yeah, sure. Permitted or not to her bedroom. Which, you know, which. Yeah, yeah. I hope

that part where you said girlfriend is true. I hope the girlfriend thing isn't in your head. By the way, on the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival, fucking is mandatory. Wow. You don't have to fuck me. You don't have to fuck me. You can fuck anyone you want. Can you fuck in the engine room?

If you can get in there, go to town. Grease it up and stick it in. That's what I say. Because it's international waters. You can fuck the engine if you want to. Oh, that sounds like an invitation. Bonds and commitments that you've made on American soil, do they just not count out there? I mean, is this a, you know.

Once you hit international waters. Yeah. You can defy any law. God's law. I mean, they don't care about this patriarchal system that we've set up here. You can fuck an engine. Yeah, totally. Who's to say a man and an engine?

A consenting man and an unwilling engine. You know an engine's unwilling? Yeah. The way it just pumps that piston. No, you're right. It wants it. It wants it. That greasy old fucking engine. Yeah. Hot. It wants it. It wants it. Greasy old fucking engine.

Yeah. Hot. It's hot. We got one more call, if I'm not mistaken. Let's hear it. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, guest.

I'm Dane from Northwest Arkansas. And I just got off stage for doing my first comedy open mic. I wrote a set mainly about my dick. I delivered it. I think I did okay. I got a few laughs for my first time open mic. I wrote a set, mainly about my dick. I delivered it. I think I did okay. Got a few laughs for my first time. That's not bad. Well, maybe in a few years, if I keep it up,

I'll be a guest on there with you. Thank you. I've seen Dane's dick. It's hilarious. Yeah, sounds pretty funny. Hey, great. Good for you. Yeah, man, open mics are the fucking worst.

I mean, yeah, that is a – it's a feat. It's totally a feat to get up and do your first open mic. God, I went to one the other day. I sometimes will poke around with stand-up comedy, but I don't have a lot of patience for that, like, open mic grind. The open mics in L.A. are even more brutal than anywhere else I've been oh totally even new york it's worse yeah and something about it that i noticed was um you know how people will get on a facebook or a tumblr and like talk about how something in comedy is misogynistic that's a popular thing to do these days sure sure and a lot of times i think they're right yeah i think they're there's a lot of usually do these days. Sure, sure. And a lot of times I think they're right.

Yeah. I think there's a lot of – usually when someone takes something like that down, I'm like, that's correct. That thing probably was misogynistic or there is a misogynistic practice in this. But I kind of feel like I'll go around and I'll see shows. Like I saw a show the other night. It was about a funny book club. This was four women and one man paired with a show, a one-woman show about a funny book club this was four women and one man one man paired with a show a one woman show about a funny lesbian singing some funny lesbian songs i'm like

i don't know is is comedy is comedy aggressive to women i guess it's something that i think to myself a lot especially when there's all these takedowns of it. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. And then I go to an open mic and the most fucking awful shit, the most awful, rapey, aggressive, violent shit is at these open mics. It's just the worst. And yes, and I think that every time I go to that, I'm like, oh yes, that's why people spend so much time

looking for stuff to take down because this is so real. Like, I saw a dude the other day sing a Chris Brown song, popular Chris Brown song, while pretending to beat up a woman. And no commentary, just I can sing this song and I'm throwing these imaginary punches. At an open mic. That was his act. That was his act. That was his act. If you see a woman go up at an open mic and you see any potential in her as a comedian whatsoever, go up to her afterwards and tell her, hey, I thought you did great up there. And leave it at that.

Don't hit on her. Oh, God, I know. But give them that morsel that they need to keep doing it because goddammit, they have to put up with some disgusting. It's awful. It's so bad. And it's – yeah, and it's like even – like even there will be – there was this dude the other night who's like a well-dressed kind of fun, geeky-looking comedy guy. And he got up there and just did uh women women are bitches why do you buy don't buy don't buy don't pay for dinner don't pay for dinner you buy him

coffee and that's it and if they're not gonna put out like just did that it's like and that's why i don't get in relationships i'm like no you probably don't get into relationships because you're awful anyways open mics are the fucking worst technically he doesn't get into relationships because you're awful. Anyways, open mics are the fucking worst. Technically, he doesn't get into relationships because of his general tone. Right, because he's an awful person. Anyways, so yeah, anybody who gets out there and does open mics with regularity is a hero. And especially, yeah, if they do something like a joke that they wrote. Yeah. And it's not just a performance art piece that's blowing off all their undefined rage.

I know. Not even just the women's stuff just there's so many people up there who just scream angrily about how they masturbated yeah and there's no punchline there's a lot i mean and and a fair chunk of just a mentally ill person who is just rambling about the radio and what it's telling him it's so weird to me that it's tough to get a good audience at an open mic given what you guys are describing. Yeah, I mean you wonder why it's just the other comics, you know? And the bartender. I think if people knew how

insane it got, there would be more people. I really believe that. Like, in the way a group of women will get together and watch Smash, a group of comedians will get together and go to an open mic to hate laugh at it. Well, yeah, because there's so many open mics. I didn't mean to gender the hate watching.

But there's a lot of hate watching from fellow comedians. Yeah, yeah. You hear a lot of people laughing in the back of the room if there's a horrible comic up there. Yeah, yeah. But I think a lot of people would enjoy that. You want to open up the doors to contempt for aspiring comedians from all comers.

Support also. Support also. Support also. But I'm just – if you're worried – You're a really hateful guy, I guess is what I'm going to say. Yeah. We can all tell. Sure. I didn't want to start this up at the end of the podcast, but –

The minute you said that an anteater would be the best animal to have on a farm that's not already on a farm, we knew that you were a hateful man. Aardvark. Oh, that's fine. Aardvark is a specific – Sorry, God. We misheard you. Yeah, we knew that you were a hateful man. Art Verk. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, you're fine. Sorry, God, we misheard you. Yeah, we'll be back in just a second. Sorry about that, Dan.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Desigo. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jordan Desigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris,, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Telfer, luxurious hedgehog.

Hey, if you want to follow Dan Telfer on Twitter, go to twitter.com slash Dan Telfer. It's D-A-N is how you spell Dan. That's absolutely right. T-E-L-F-E-R is how you spell Telfer. Yeah. Put them together, what do you got? Dan Telfer. Oh.

Well, you have to add an ad at the beginning for mine, so I guess mine doesn't hold up in court. And, of course, Dan's doing comedies around Los Angeles. He's only been here for about six weeks. What are we looking at? Six, six and a half weeks? Sounds good. Something like that. You got a family here. You got work.

You got to get some punch-up job. Sure. You got to pass out flyers. You got to put on a Spider-Man costume, head down to Hollywood. You have to – Yeah. You have to also – what I hear is really big, something that a lot of development executives are looking for is like a mime abuse routine.

Oh, man. Like mime – if you can throw in like music or something, that's always great, but it's very hot. I've seen a crying Charlie Chaplin on a Taco Bell lawn already. That was pretty great. I know a lot of people like your dinosaur stuff, but I would focus, if I could suggest, on just stuff about intergender abuse. Yeah.

You should be the abuser. That way the audience knows you're powerful. Well, I have a lot of time out here to workshop that. You should be the abuser. That way the audience knows you're powerful. Well, I have, you know, I have a lot of time out here to workshop that. You got to lock the audience in so they know if they don't laugh, you're fucking coming for them. All right. Sounds good. Sounds good.

I don't think that, yeah. I should put a sign on it. And when I say them, I mean I'm talking about people who are societally disadvantaged, who don't have the privileges that you do as a white women homosexuals immigrants yeah well you know it's at second city they teach you you know you should always play for status so it changes but i think you should actually just go for who's already down i disagree with that exactly i mean the polish sure just whoever you can get whoever you can target that then yeah get them in your sights and take them down. And on stage, show them how you would beat them if they were to cross you. This is just show business stuff. We've been in show business for a long time. I hosted a television show for upwards of six months.

I think I know a little something about show business. You don't think people like bits about astronauts and dinosaurs? No, they don't want astronaut and dinosaur humor. They want something current and morally reprehensible. Okay. So focus on that. It's a good thing you came and did the podcast, Dan. Thanks.

Because I would hate it if you were out there for months and months just spinning your wheels with all these hilarious dinosaur jokes that are delightful. Just spinning your wheels with all these hilarious dinosaur jokes that are delightful. And that someone forwarded to me before I even ever knew you and said, look at this hilarious guy who has this dinosaur routine. Yeah. That's my friend Laurel. I can finally let my dark side out. I can finally talk about what I do after the comedy shows at night when I go and look for a coyote to pin down and just rape and throttle. Sure. Well, you got to throttle it after it's going to talk.

Well, that's the worst part. They got that weird little yip. When you say – People empathize with that yip. When you describe all this stuff about coyotes, you're talking about the guys that bring immigrants from one side of the border to the other. Oh, you can do that with people too. Yeah. Yeah.

Coyotes. You can throttle anybody. Sonny D on the boards. Brian Fernandez producing the program we're online at maximum fun.org at max fun hq if you want to know about the two new max fun shows that are launching imminently these are fucking tremendous shows these shows are gonna if you if you like to laugh if you like to think if you like sexual pleasure oh you're going to want to check out these shows. I'm not saying there's nothing about sex in these shows that I'm aware of.

But it just seems like a kind of thing. Maybe some sexy jokes. Well, I find a sense of humor sexy. Sure. I have inside info on one of these. That's why I'm fucking Mr. Bean. I'm really aroused right now. And you don't like talking.

You don't like all that. You don't like when they like to talk after. Nah. Just fuck Mr. Bean. He makes some little noises. He goes, Yeah. Then he heads home.

We'll talk to you next time I join Jessica.