Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 265: Stoodle with Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark

Episode Date: March 5, 2013

TV hosts Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of sexual handicaps, gross cocktails, abandoned theme parks, and continue the deliberation about animals that should be on a farm.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to the program. It's good to be here. Are you welcoming me to the program or the audience? No, you, of course you're here on the program.

You've been the co-host of this program for almost seven years. Okay. Well, thank you for being cordial. I was talking on the program. You've been the co-host of this program for almost seven years. Okay. Well, thank you for being cordial. I was talking to the audience. Okay. Audience, welcome. Jordan, fuck off. Yeah, I mean, pretty much.

I wasn't going to put it in such brutal terms. No, I mean... I'm a polite man. That's why I welcomed the audience to the program. Right. And you implied that I should fuck off. It's fine. I mean, I'm cool with fucking off.

Okay, great. Yeah. Should I just do this solo from here on out? Yeah, I mean, I think you'll be fine. I'll talk about what? The weather? Yeah. The fact that the fish truck visited again this week?

Mm-hmm. It sounds like a compelling program. I mean, I don't want to get in the way of that, you know? Well, I mean, it's at least, my goal is to be at least as compelling as news from Lake Wobegon. Hmm. So I'll just sort of make it up as I go along. And every so often I'll just say Lutherans.

Are you concerned with it being as folksy? I would like for it to be less breathy. Is that a word? Yeah, to have... Wheezy. Less wheezy? Sure. But I don't think I could ever be that folksy.

Yeah. You would have to literally be a pie cooling on a windowsill. To be as folksy. To be that. That's the only thing that is as folksy. Even though I am currently doing lariat tricks as I talk into the microphone, I am not as folksy as the news from Lake Wobbegon. Yeah.

Shall we introduce our guests on the program? You know them from food television, the world of food television. You know them from the world of food internet. You know them from their charming vintage dresses that I've seen pictures of on the internet. Allie Ward and Georgia Harback. Guys, welcome to the program. Thank you. That's not even close to my last name.

That's what Jordan told me it was. What are you? I guess I just know Allie in Georgia. No, her last name is Hairback. We called her Harback. It's hard stark, but it gets butchered all the time. Hard stark? Yeah.

But it means dark heart, which I have. Is that cool? Yeah. This is good, yeah. It was pretty edgy. Yeah. Yeah, which I have. Is that cool? Yeah. I think that's cool. This is good, yeah. It was pretty edgy. Yeah. Hey, but you know what? That was all me with the name mistake, by the way.

That's why I'm going solo from here on out. Yeah. I don't know if you ladies have heard. Yeah. Allie, Georgia, you can join me in this if you want, but I'm dropping Jordan off like a sack of potatoes at the food pantry. An unneeded sack of potatoes. Can we revisit Garrison Keillor's nose breath?

Yeah. I think it's sort of a, it's not just nose breath, is it? No, it's more than that. But I have this, I have like a fear that I'm going to get reincarnated as like one of his nose breaths. It's one of my, it's one, you know how they ask on Inside the Actor's Studio what your least favorite sounds are? Garrison Keillor's nose breath is one of them. There's like a, Ally has this really unnatural hatred of Garrison Keillor. I hate him.

I hear a few, if you play the nose breaths backwards, it's encouraging the listener to commit suicide. That's what I've heard too. Yeah. I find him sexually threatening. Like he would. In the sense that if you discovered him in a sexual situation it would destroy your sexuality i'm afraid that i wouldn't have a barrier against him he's so intimate oh because he's because he's so close to the microphone so easy

yes sure you only know him as being all up in your business yes yeah i can understand that I know I can see that we did a recreation of Garrison Keillor and Heal Hauser having a love connection on our podcast and then a week later Heal Hauser died

and he probably had heard us and had a good time well look at that ball sack can I say that let me put your balls in there. Let me get your balls in the floor. Well, my goodness. Can I talk about something that made me kind of uncomfortable,

kind of sexually recently? I saw a very, very handsome, very well-dressed man on a Segway, and it fucking blew my mind. And it wasn't just Will Arnett filming a scene from Arrested Development? No, this was a well-coiffed, fit guy, you know, polo shirt, chinos, boat shoes,

just cruising around on a Segway. What are you supposed to do with that information? I don't know. Aren't Segways off- off limits to the very handsome? It seems like it's just the territory. You think there's like, just as in before the Voting Rights Act, there could be a means

test for voting or a literacy test for voting. You think there's an ugly test for Segway purchasing. I get how it doesn't make sense, though, because if you have the wherewithal to dress yourself very well, then you should also know how awful you look on a Segway. But here's the thing. If you're very handsome, you've floated through life.

You see what I'm saying? No one has ever had the time to tell you. I mean, granted, do you fill out boat shoes and a Chino very well? Yeah, sure. You look great. I have a theory about this. I think that there's a regional acceptance. I think there's two places where it's okay.

I think Santa Monica and Dubai. And if you're not in one of those places, then you better get off your segue. But if you're attractive, you can do that in those two places. What are other things that are – those are not places that – outside of a general feeling of self-indulgence, not a lot in common between Dubai and Santa Monica. I don't picture a lot of people in Dubai doing yoga. I think it's not just self-awareness. It's understanding your place in the world and how people react to it. There's a fiscal permission that happens in Santa Monica and Dubai.

Right. It really grants you access to all kinds of reprehensible behavior. So I think that it's really regional. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe this guy was just – I guess I – you know, like it seems like there's a third sexuality and that's crazy rich guy. You know that there's there's heterosexual, there's homosexual.

There's Mark Cuban. Yeah. And then there's I've done it all. What else can I do? And I maybe this guy was kind of a segue. Yeah. Well, either fucking the segue or seeing can I still get laid on this segue? Like it's a challenge.

You know, it's a challenge you know it's a handicap oh you think this is like an in the company of men style dark sexual bet could be and it started with a segue so it's just kim and the other members of the bohemian grove and they're all wearing ladies clothes and performing a farce together in the woods of Northern California. Sure. All the billionaires and the younger, handsomer ones start saying, well, I can get laid if I. What would the other ones be?

So Segway? Sandals? Yeah, those individual toe shoes probably. I feel like a lot of those guys at the Bohemian Grove, they're just wearing those anyway. Anyway, yeah. And getting fucked all the time. Oh, maybe on the street with bird on shoulder. Oh, no.

Sure. Who do you think gets laid first, Segway guy or bird on shoulder? You're just listening things that I think Larry Ellison, founder of Oracle, is doing right now. Oracle is doing right now. That guy is somewhere in Silicon Valley being fellated with a bird on his shoulder with one foot

on a Segway. Right. Allie and I have this imaginary person that we always talk about and it's this great guy. He's wonderful. He's nice. He's doing really well in his life. He's nice to his mom. Well educated. He's a go-getter. Fiscally responsible. Thinks you're great. Yeah. Treats you wonderful. He's wonderful. He's nice. He's doing really well in his life. He's nice to his mom. Well educated. He's a go-getter. Fiscally responsible. Thinks you're great. Yeah.

Treats you wonderful. He can cook. One thing though about him is he has a pet iguana. He's an iguana dude. So on his shoulder, on a leash is an iguana. Would you still? He goes to coffee shops. He gets a macchiato. He's got the iguana. Everyone's like, hey, what's up, Jerry? It's iguana dude. So he brings the iguana.

You remember the guys in the 90s at the coffee shop? There was a guy. Everything else about him is great. Do you date him? Does he carry around a plastic baggie filled with mosquitoes to feed the iguana? Lettuce. Is that better?

Yeah, lettuce. Lettuce and baby carrots. Is that what an iguana eats? Maggots and crickets? Just something that's not disgusting. It's like, okay, so he's got a tiny Ziploc full of carrots. Okay, that's not, is that a deal breaker? No, that's healthy. Are the iguanas cold

dead eyes trained on you while you're making love? Absolutely. Okay, iguanas there fucking 24-7, right? Absolutely. Maybe not, I guess it wouldn't actually physically be on his shoulder during lovemaking, but it would be like in the room on the night table. It would be got its little what do they call them, aquarium? A terrar table. It would be got its little, what do they call them?

Aquarium. A terrarium. It would be scratching at its log. Okay. He would be, you would be, you would be making love to the rhythm of the iguana's log scratches. Yeah. Maybe, maybe a little bit of, of slight irritation. Yeah. On the iguana's part at witnessing, you know, just a neglect.

Okay. Sure. The noises are scaring him a little. When I am intimate with my partner, my dog goes and walks out of the room. I do the same thing if I were someone's dog. I'm not going to lie. If you were in the room and two people started making love, you would turn up your nose. I would just huff and be like, what am I? Yeah.

I've seen, my cats watched before. It's creepy. No. I like looked up and been like, there's a cat staring. I've been in a room when two people started to make love and I actually did make the same noise. And then I went to a diner and got pancakes. I was at a party. Jessie, you should send your dog to get pancakes.

That would be cute. That would be cute. I was at a party and I didn't realize that it was a swingers party, like an orgy party. Oh, no. How do you not know that? Well, I knew that everyone went to Burning Man, but that didn't prepare me. You should have known. You knew there were a lot of iguanas there.

I didn't know. And I was in the middle of a room and then these two people who were not married, but they were married to other people. One of them was wearing a saran wrap top and they started to make out. And then I think in the process of making love, at which point I went, wait, wait. So you – but saran wrap top didn't tip you off? I thought they're creative. You thought that was because of their Burning Man club or whatever.

Yeah, that's what I – I thought it was a Burning Man club. But you're like nobody's getting it on here. I do not think that that was going to happen. When you first saw the two people making out that weren't married, you'd be like, oh, their husbands are going to see. Yeah, that was my first thought. I would do that too. You thought at worst there would be some phone freaking, which is where people whistle into the telephone handset until they're connected

directly to the Pope. What? I love it. What happened? It's a thing that nerds did. What is it? I've never heard of that before. Oh, it's the dial tone thing where if you get the right dial tone. Yeah, so before telephones were digitized, they operated on tones, which is why touch tone dialing. So if you had perfect pitch and you could whistle tones, you could whistle combinations of tones that would signal the switching computers to do pretty much anything if you were good enough at it. Wow.

There was like a club of people who did this, right? Yeah, lots of clubs. This was like the dawn of the computer age. This and model trains were the two things that the guys who invented personal computing did for fun. I have a computer nerd brother who used to play Leisure Suit Larry like in the 90s. And my mom would have to take his keyboard with her to work because he'd stay home from school all day and be on the computer. So I totally know this person. Can I say, though, that from an orgy tale to the Pope,

that that was an excellent segue? Oh, my God. Allie Ward. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go it's Jordan Jesse go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan

Morris boy detective I'm Georgia Hartstark and I'm Ellie Ward you guys can make up nicknames you don't have to but we encourage it

I'm we're both just look you got some time think about it think you got some time another segment coming up just do it then okay You guys can make up nicknames. You don't have to, but we encourage it. We're both just cocked our heads. Look, you've got some time. Think about it. Think about it. We've got another segment coming up. Just do it then. Okay.

Yeah. Like a parrot that's learning to order its own macchiato. Ellie and Georgia, can I ask you for some clarification on something? Sure. Yeah. We were both at the same – we were all three of us. I consider you guys one entity, like a totem pole. We are.

We were both at the same – we were all three of us. I consider you guys one entity, like a totem pole. We are. You often try and sneak into places on each other's shoulders with a big trench coat. Yeah, you like to pay one admission fee. It's great. Yeah. The three of us were at a party, and it was a pretty boozy party as I remember it. It's one of the things that happens when you post Boozy Party.

You're kind of thinking about the night. Are you about to ask them if they've slept with you? I was wearing saran wrap at the time. I started kissing a woman who was not my wife. So I was getting kind of little flashes of things that happened. And then I invited you guys on the podcast and the answer was we'd love to come on the podcast. We'll do some foam drooling or something like that. And then I got a flash of all of us maybe in an alley doing spit takes.

It wasn't an alley. It was the back of the party, the back of the venue. It was like an outdoor and there was like a basketball court. You don't remember that? I kind of. There was a basketball court? Yeah. Was this party just a homecoming dance?

It was. We cried. Jesse, we have kind of a 21 Jump Street thing going on. And I'll thank you not to blow our cover. It was actually a Lakers box seat. And we just drooled beer on each other. On Jack Nicholson. No, we were at a party and then I think

I don't drink beer and so I started taking sips and letting it roll out of my mouth onto my face and then I think we all started. Then Georgia did some spit takes. Spit takes is like I really just want a chance in my life to do that for real. So we just practiced it a little. So you just were soaking yourself with beer

that had come out of your mouth? Yes, yes, I was. That's called commitment, folks. Yeah. Boy, do you think we were the grossest ones at this thing? Was someone being more gross than that? I don't know. There was a cake that was shaped like a ham hock.

So I think all bets were pretty much off. There was a guy feeding mosquitoes to his iguana. Yeah, but the iguana was just letting them drool out onto his iguana beard. I went home with that guy on his Segway and we had a pretty good night. Yeah, road tandem. No, I think that was one of the grosser things that happened. But we're both recently single and I think we're doing a pretty good job of putting ourselves out there, guys. We're just making ourselves as sexy as possible by dribbling beer out of our face holes.

Sure. Well, you guys are creating sexual handicaps for yourself as the guy on the Segway. Is that what that is? Sure. So what do I blend this into? I would imagine when you're an internet and television personality known for attractive vintage dresses and being able to cook things, you basically have to beat them away. Well, part of the vintage dress and dressing and that sort of thing is because you get away with a lot more like spitting beer all over a party.

Yeah. You get away with it when you wear vintage dresses. So if you're wearing, if you got a couple of crinolines on, then you can really blow some snot rockets. Is that what you're saying? Well, it pops to you for knowing what a crinoline is. Thank you. I don't think a lot of dudes know what that is.

It probably would be better if I didn't. Right, but, you know. It's where the king of Russia lives, right? In the crinoline? Yep. That's up my skirt. Can I ask a dating and relationship question to the room? I wish you would.

I wish you would. I was hoping you would. I had kind of an awkward situation in that zone recently and I kind of want to know if it's something I need to address or if it's something I can just let slide. I love this. Let's – we'll tell you. I have kind of this new platonic female friend. I have kind of this new platonic female friend. We were kind of just on each other's email chains and then we added the kind of let's do something email chain.

She's kind of new to LA. Very nice. We really hit it off. But it has not been romantic and it's like we've both been like the last one at a bar a couple times and we've've both like, you know, had to walk the same direction to our car a few times and, you know, just nothing. So I'm pretty sure at this point like this is where it's at. Also, it's Brookshields. Also, it's Brookshields. And I mean the Blue Lagoon was just so big for me growing up. And so, you know, there was a night and I was out and she's like, what's going on?

And I say, hey, me and some friends are at this bar. Come by if you're in the neighborhood. And then she never showed up. And then the next day I woke up and looked at my text messages and she had texted me. Are you guys still at the bar? And then I said, no, I'm walking home. Maybe I'll see you around this weekend. X-O, X-O, X-O.

Why the fuck did I do that? Like that? And that's not something I do anyway. Do you, like, let's be honest. You've texted me. Do you want to? But just because we play tic-tac-toe by phone. I was going to say we were drawing up a football play.

No, no. In all honesty, this is – it's platonic for me and that's why it was so surprising because, I mean, I guess I'm – you know, I've sent the you up text. The you up text. I've, you know, I've done that before and I, and it would make sense if it was like I was trying to get her to come out. Like maybe this, there's a part of my drunk brain that is interested in her. But it was like, I'm going home. I'll see you around. Here's this little bit of romantic thing.

I think it was just, I don't know why I did it. It's hard to say. I think a better thing to talk about is why you keep getting drunk and doing things you don't remember. I know why I'm in a blackout state so often. Yeah. No, that's alcoholism. Okay. Yeah.

So I've pinned that down. That problem's identified. Here's what I would do. Okay. I would send out an email to all of your friends. Sure. Saying, who wants to get some tacos, bitches? XOXO, XOXO.

Oh, so now I just need to make this my thing. And then tweet it once or twice being like, got a flat tire and then a shit on myself. XOXO, Jordan. Boom.

That was so good. It's your thing. You just made it your ironic thing. And then she's like, oh, I'm such a fucking idiot. I thought he was trying to get me to fuck him.

You should get a t-shirt that says hashtag XOXO. Oh, yeah. So when people are talking about me on the internet. You should change this t-shirt that says hashtag XOXO. Oh, yeah. So when people are talking about me on the internet. You should change this podcast to Jordan Jesse XO. Yeah. You're welcome. Jerk.

X my O, bitches. Put that on the email. And just make it your thing twice. She's going to see it one of those times and then she's going to feel the fool. And then it doesn't have to be that anymore. Then it can go back to being YOLO. Yeah. Good. Because I think that is on the way up.

Great. I think there's nowhere to go but up for YOLO. Should we change the name of this show to Jordan Jesse YOLO? I mean, if we want to stay current. Yeah, I mean, and that's certainly our priority. That historically has been our priority, staying current. What if you made it YOLOL? Oh, you only laugh once because it's not that funny.

Yeah. I mean, I would prefer if we could integrate Gangnam Style into this somehow. But, you know. I don't think what you did is a big deal because it's really bold. And I think if a guy did that to me, I'd be like, he's drunk and being silly. It's ironic at that point. Sure. It's like Allie will text me, like, text LOL, OMG.

And it's just a joke. After that, I did text the entire set of lyrics to the Fresh Prince theme song. So I think that also falls under ironic. Is that true? God damn it. Because I was like, playa. I know. And I was like, I'm going to give you my song. Hmm. So I think that also falls under ironic. Is that true? God damn it. Because I was like, playa. I know.

And I was like, I'm going to give you my number. Sure. Oh yeah, maybe that's what I need to do. Just ironically text

some 90s theme songs to girls that I'm interested in. Always works. Yeah. I have a quick question though. Please. Do you want to lay

with this woman or not? I don't. No. Oh, well then, who gives a, I don't care. Yeah. Whatever you want to her. Okay, okay. So I don't. No. Oh, well then who gives a... I don't care. Yeah. Whatever you want to her.

Okay. Okay. So I could just menace her with all sorts of... She's probably in love with you right now though. Totally. Yeah. She's like, I never thought of him in this way before. But hugs and kisses.

Hugs and kisses. I never knew he could give hugs and kisses. It's so lame too. Anyway. You did a fine job. You did a good job. You're living life. Yeah.

Sure. I'm hugging and kissing my friends. I love it. My platonic friends. I don't want anything in any text messages besides words. Yeah. You don't want an emoji? Oh, I sure don't want an emoji.

I don't think I've ever gotten an emoji. Yeah. No one's ever sent me. People know not to send me. You live your life a certain way and people know not to send you shit. They respect the kind of person you are. Yeah. Ideally.

No one has sent me an internet thing in years. I have a question though. Okay. I know a girl who is a wonderful girl. She is funny. She's talented. She's in comedy. What a bitch this woman is.

I already hate her. Paula Poundstone. We know. Bloody talented. Very already hate her. Paula Poundstone, we know. Buddy, talented. Very nice blazers. Once in a blackout drunk, she drove her 12 adopted children to the ice cream parlor. Oh, I love her. Oh, God.

I want to XOXO her. This is a good question. So my friend is talented. Her text game is terrible. Her grammar is frequently haphazard. There's a lot of lulls. There's a lot of autocorrect that doesn't get proofread. And she just is in a hurry usually.

She just doesn't care. Textgame is not a thing to care about. But I think that it's – She doesn't know that you are archiving all the text to put them in a bound book. I do screen cap them frequently because I find them hilarious. But the thing is – You're not afraid to screen cap. Oh, I'll screen cap that. Some of them are

like, it takes me a minute to decipher them, but she just is in a hurry. She doesn't care. But I was like, I think sometimes you have to, if you're dating, you have to proofread like you would put on lipstick before you go to a date. Yeah, what kind of, what percentage of turn off would you be if a girl was like, you up to anything and you couldn't read

any of it and it was like lol and like weird emojis and stuff? Like if Prince got blackout drunk and texted you. Like how would you feel about that? Could you imagine going on a date without putting on lipstick is another question. No. With Prince? No. The men's. Oh look at the women Prince has dated. Are you kidding?

I'm going to look my best. I'd go on a date with Prince in an instant. Oh sure. Absolutely. You just do whatever he told you, you know? Do you know that if you're listening to Prince on Spotify and you click related artists, just a picture of a butt comes up? By the way, thanks for answering my question, guys. No problem. So you're saying turn off as a guy sloppy text game. Yeah.

If a guy has got sloppy text game, I'm like – Oh, absolutely. I don't want to see your ding-a-ding. And especially in that kind of courtship phase of a relationship. Like you want to be on your best behavior. Yeah. I feel like all the internet flirting that is requisite in that kind of courtship phase should be very good. I mean I know I try and – you know, I spell check it.

I go over it a couple times. Punctuate. Punctuate. I, you know, I send it to Bruce Valanche for punch up. Sure. Guy's got jokes. Guy's got jokes. He got jokes.

So, yeah. So then, so I send it to Bruce Valanche. He puts in some George Clooney dates younger women jokes, which really interrupt the flow, which I like. No, but then it does, especially in the courtship phase, give off a sense of I don't care. If all that stuff is kind of whatever. Some guys like a sense of I don't care, right? I guess I don't.

I guess I don't have a lot of patience for I don't care anymore. Like a sense of reckless abandon? Is that what you're talking about? It's not like a relaxed- Like a Courtney Love type wild woman vibe? Yeah, I guess- Chucking a mic stand into the audience. That's not the kind that they don't-

The kind of like, I can go either way with you. I don't give a shit. Or like, I don't give a shit about anything and I'm probably wearing dirty clothes. Like that's the vibe it gives you instead. Right. Yeah, I guess I don't- That second one sounds better. It sounds fun.

It does. It's a little wild. Maybe that's just because my wife has her shit together. Yeah. Boring. You want a more slovenly woman. Yeah, just someone who's just a disaster area. Yeah, yeah.

Just someone who lives in the magma radius of a volcano but ain't moving for nothing. You want like a female pig pin with a cloud of dust perpetually around her. You want a manic pixie dream girl, I feel like. Yeah. Just a mad woman. Do people really still like those manic pixie dream girls that they made in those

movies? I don't think so. Yeah. I think if you... I mean, yes. I think if you have... I mean, they bother me also. Don't get me wrong. But the appeal that was once there remains. You want Zach Braff to make up a girl for you and that's the girl you want. Let's do this, Braff.

I think if you – once you have dated the manic pixie dream girl, I'd realize what a handful she is. That appeal goes away real fast. I just want a Laura Dern type now, honestly. I just want a nice Laura Dern. Solid. I want her to be in some khaki shorts. Some nice, exactly, Jurassic Park Laura Dern I'm talking about specifically. Yeah, no, no, I feel like...

Laura Linney? Laura Linney, sure. I'm looking for a Laura Linney. Yeah. Just a Laura, any Laura. No Helen Hunt, is it too far? Helen Hunt's a little far. Helen Hunt's a little far. I don't know. She seems mean. She still looks good. She does look...

She's very beautiful. Hunt looks very good. She's got a weird vibe where you're like, in real life, that woman is a sourpuss. She's a boring human being, I bet.

Is she one letter away from the C word? Oh. Helen. Helen Hunt? I get it. I'm not going to say that. On the topic of celebrity crushes, I was with some friends and I was telling them how it is.

This has come up on the show before. Like when you watch a show and you get a crush on one of the actors and it gets to the point where it's a little uncomfortable to watch the show. Talking about Natalie from Sports Night? Yeah, Natalie from Sports Night, April from Parks and Rec, you know, all the uses. And I was saying in this group that it has gotten to that point with me and Vanessa Bayer from Saturday Night Live to where I am, you know, I just like her and think she's so hilarious and now I'm like, now I'm grumpy when I'm watching the show. Because you picture your lives together and be so beautiful.

Right. I know. And we're on opposite coasts. There's no way we're running into each other. Does it not help to that she's a real human being instead of like April Richardson, who's not a real human being? Does that help? Yeah. She's a hologram.

Would it be possible for you to have fallen in love with the Kristen Wiig Target Lady? Oh, right. Well, that's more of like a, you know, that's more like a one and done situation. Right. Sure. I like a little roll in the hay, but I'm not going to, you know, I'm changing my Facebook status for Target Lady. You wouldn't kick Debbie down or out of bed. No.

Lady Conehead. Jane Curtin as Lady Conehead. What were their names? I don't know. No, Malmac's where Alpha's from. Malmac, that's where Alpha's from. It's also a type of dishes.

I would also fuck the planet that Alpha's from. And then someone in the group was like, oh, I don't, I guess I don't really, they didn't know who they were, how I was talking about,

so they Google image searched her and held up a picture and she was like, Jordan, this is just a female you. Looks wise. And I realized I had never seen her

without a wig on and she does have kind of my hair and kind of a cherubic face. So maybe it'll work. I'm gross. I felt gross that I was attracted to a version of myself. No, the best couples are the ones that look alike.

Oh, yeah? You're thinking of old ladies and their pets. Maybe. But also old ladies and their psychotic old husbands. Well, there's plenty of research that indicates that you're more likely to be attracted to someone who looks like a parental figure. So given that your mom gave you at least half of your genes, then you're probably attracted to someone. If you don't hate your mom. You shoplifted the other half of your genes.

I did, sure, yeah. From where she got them. From PacSun. Right, they're Hurley genes. I have one X chromosome and one Volcom symbol. Stussy. Yeah. I'm one Stussy.

Oh, God. The Stussy. That's called something, isn't it? The Stussy rock. The Stussy diamond. Oh, no. It's been a long time since I lived in Orange County. Fun to draw.

You lived in Orange. I grew up in Orange County. So did I. Well, look at that. Gross. Sucks. Sucks. Shitty place. Where in Orange County are you from? Mission Viejo. I don't know. You lived in Orange? I grew up in Orange County. So did I. Well, look at that. Gross. Sucks. Sucks. Shitty place.

Where in Orange County are you from? Mission Viejo. I don't know. What does that mean? That means you're right next door to where I'm from. Irvine? You guys sound thrilled about it. Did you grow up at the Irvine Spectrum?

That came later. You grew up in the beanbag store, right? The glow-in-the-dark stuff store? The store that only sells glow-in-the-dark stuff. Is that where you grew up? I grew up inside of that. The sword store? I glow in the dark. Did you go to high school at the stuff store? The store that only sells glow-in-the-dark stuff. Is that where you grow up? I grew up inside of that. The sword store? I glow in the dark.

Did you go to high school at the sword store? No. That's all I know about Orange County. We should clarify for our audience that Jordan grew up in Orange County, whereas my grandparents lived in Orange County when they were still alive. And I used to visit them sometimes. And the only thing to do was go to the Irvine Spectrum, an insane outdoor mall, to go to a movie. I have a question.

Please. Do you remember Lion Country Safari from when you were a kid? Yes, I do. It was next to Wild Rivers, the water park. Yeah, it's like now the Irvine Amphitheater or whatever. It's like the Verizon-wide Amphitheater. But it used to be this wild encampment where you'd just drive through lions in your car, you know, and then they'd like come up to you. In Irvine? Yeah, in Irvine.

It was called – and I was just – they closed it when I was five because someone got killed by a lion. Yes. So the Lion Country Safari like just sends chills. Like that name sends – always sends – and nobody else knows about it. Did you have nightmares about the Lion Country Safari? Probably. since always and nobody else knows about it. Did you have nightmares about the Lion Country so far? Probably.

I wonder if there's any VHS tape that someone's uploaded to the YouTubes of like our trip to Lion Country. You know, before someone got murdered by a lion. Or a fucking snuff tape. Just someone getting consumed by a lion near a water slide.

And then thrown down a water slide. Somebody's like, don't worry, honey. I got a sword at the sword store. Yeah. I can do this. Right. Yeah, I did go to the Wild Rivers, the water park a lot. We used to get like a summer pass during summer vacay,

and they'd just drop us off at Wild Rivers. It's funny how much more dangerous the 80s were. I think the world needs more semi-abandoned amusement parks. Oh, I agree. That's a magical place. Allie and I found an abandoned miniature golf course on Long Beach. Cool! We almost

got stabbed by someone in the homeless encamp in there, and then we found a six-inch knife on the ground, and then we drove away real fast. Yeah. We're like, let's go through this fence. What did you play? Nine holes instead of 18?

Is that what we're saying here? No, we should have had golf clubs though because it was creepy down there. But yeah, I'm all for abandoned amusement parks. Me too.

I really... If you escape the homeless man, you actually win a free round of golf. You know what you got to watch out for though at those abandoned amusement parks?

Ghosts! Don't start with me. Do you believe in ghosts? Of course I don't believe You know what you got to watch out for, though, at those abandoned amusement parks? Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- g-g-g-ghosts. Oh, sorry. That's okay. I mean, I don't mean to be that guy. No, but you're 1,000% correct. Sure. In the scuba verse, it's pronounced g-g-g-ghosts. Go-wo-wo-woast is when you're happy to see the ghosts. Go-go-go-ghosts. Like if you're at a ghost sweet 16 party or quinceañera. Sure. Go-wo-wo-woast.

And then you try and hug the ghost, but then your hands go right through it. It's electric do you believe in ghosts somebody's playing electric I don't believe in ghosts do you believe in ghosts Ali's the only one Ali and I just

why do you believe in ghosts because because there's all those reality shows devoted to people hunting them do you believe in ghost detectors

no I watch it seldomly that would be ridiculous if you believe in ghost detectors well I believe in ghosts because I believe that we don't know anything about science. And so I believe that we know a lot about science.

We know a pretty good amount about science. We really don't know that much about science. We know how to make Post-it notes. Sure. Allie and I argue about this point. Post-it notes? No. Because they stick on – you can stick them on something.

I get it. They're sticky but also removable. And they do not leave a residue. Like ghosts. Do you actually know how – To be fair, And they do not leave a residue. Like ghosts. Do you actually know how it – To be fair, ghosts leave ectoplasm. I know. You're right.

Yeah, they do leave a residue. I was wrong about that. Are you suggesting that they use some sort of dark magic? No. They ghost and that Post-it notes do? Yeah. Absolutely. I think that they bond.

They form a spiritual bond. 3M is Minnesota magic in manufacturing. It's the Illuminati. They're all just in there. P-P-P-Post-It notes. That's when you're afraid of a Post-It note. Okay, so why do you? So let's talk about ghosts for a second.

What leads you to believe in ghosts? Because I feel like there's so much that we don't know that there's a possibility. That probably ghosts are real? That probably ghosts are real and they want to hurt us. No, I know. He thinks they put their junk in your face all the time. I think that ghosts rub their junk in your face and they want to hurt us. No, I know. He thinks they put their junk in your face all the time. I think that ghosts rub their junk in your face and they laugh about it so

hard and you're like, what? Just because that's what you would do if you were a ghost doesn't mean that's evidence that ghosts exist. I would dangle my ghost dong in your face and I would laugh. Ghosts have the attitude of Kevin's brother from the Wonder Years.

Yes, they really, really do. They have that kind of vibe. They're more spectral. Yeah, right, sure. They're astral assholes. But you've never seen a ghost. You've never had a ghost experience. I guess when someone has had a ghost experience

that they really genuinely believe, I'm like, okay, I guess you believe in ghosts. But not having one, I guess, is where the disconnect happens for me. Georgia's had a ghost experience and, I guess you believe in ghosts. But not having one, I guess, is where the disconnect happens for me. Georgia's had a ghost experience and she still doesn't believe in ghosts. I live in a haunted building. What's going on there? Well... Do you live in the Winchester mystery spot? I do.

A lot of stairways to nowhere? Yeah, I just, I keep, yeah, I keep building It's actually not that different from the Winchester mystery. It's a creepy old Art Deco beautiful building. Both were built by turn-of-the-century mad people whose husbands died and inherited all their money. And they thought they were being haunted. What's the most haunted thing that's happened in your apartment? Well, my neighbor, I have a friend who used to live in the unit next door.

And he had an auto harp on the wall that would sometimes play itself. And I know it's going to call an auto harp. It's a joke. And also he and his fiance were in the main room. And then he heard bang, bang, bang, bang. And they were like, what the fuck happened in the bathroom? Three candles that were like near the bathtub crashed into the tub. And then the glass that was in a framed picture above the tub had shattered.

But the frame was still on the wall. And other things would happen. Things would get misplaced in weird places. He thought he saw something in the hallway once. For a while, my apartment always smelled like kimchi. But it turned out that my neighbors were Korean. That was the issue.

You're saying that there were Koreans in the building. They were making kimchi. Well, I'm just saying, sometimes there's's a simple explanation like your neighbors are Korean. That's what I go for is it's like there's not enough evidence and it's – the most obvious answer is usually the answer and it's not – ghost is never the most obvious answer. Well, I think – Tiny earthquake. Tiny earthquake. Well, OK.

You're here one second and then I shoot you with a gun in the heart and then you roll away. Doesn't tiny earthquake mean orgasm? Oh, it's a popular Tori Amos album. About orgasms. Yeah. Wait, so you're, okay. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe our electoral field. That's what I'm

saying. Electoral. I'm not saying I'm a ghost. You're saying electoral fields. I'm saying that there's an energy that maybe was in people that kind you actually believe like i'm married i think you believe in that too i think that i wouldn't surprise me i think it's funny that we can send a text message can i ask you a question yes what an old-timey ghost this is a serious question about ghosts dear what an old-timey ghost where would they change up their outfit no or would they keep wearing their old-timey outfit old-timey so is it would they change up their outfit? No. Or would they keep wearing their old-timey outfit? Old-timey.

So is it a ghost outfit? Does the outfit die too? No, they should be naked to be honest. They're probably wearing their favorite outfit. It's easier for them to put their balls in your face. Absolutely, yeah. You don't have to unzip your ghost trousers. There's no cumbersome bloomers.

Crenolins. Crenolins Another thing R.E. hauntings is I feel like everybody always sees the little girl in the Victorian dress the man in the top hat the woman in the wedding dress where's just like

Caveman Or the girl in the leg warmers Some dick from the 80s in like OP shirts Where's that ghost? Or the guy in the flannel. Yeah. Where's the Oakley frog glasses guy?

Got me blow. Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow. What about a guy who comes in and haunts you in a Fido Dido t-shirt? Goosebumps. I want a crystal Pepsi. t-shirt. Goosebumps. I want a Crystal Pepsi.

And then you're on a quest to find the last remaining six-pack of Crystal Pepsi. Because it's the only way he'll leave you alone. To be fair, if he's wearing a Fido Dido t-shirt, he's looking for 7-Up. Sure. Sorry. Do you think that anyone has a six-pack of Crystal Pepsi somewhere on Earth, on the global Earth? I bet if we went on eBay, it would be like, there would be a guy where he'd probably get one for like 300 bucks or something.

Don't those explode, though? Crystal Pepsi? I think if you leave them in the freezer. Our producer, Brian, right now he's on eBay looking for Crystal Pepsi. That's why you get a producer. Yeah, that's the whole point of having a producer. If a ghost in a Fido Dino t-shirt comes up to you.

Yeah, I guess I would believe in ghosts more if the stories about them weren't always romantic and interesting. I guess if someone just like some guy was haunting them in regular clothes, I'd be like, okay, well, you wouldn't make that up. That's dumb. I think that's creepier if he was just in like skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors. You'd be like, oh, get out of my house. Just a guy who died in 2002. Yeah, that to me is creepier. The haunting of Williamsburg.

He has a phantom mustache that just floats about the room. You guys are going to love Vampire Week. We're over them. The Silver Lake Spectrum. Spectral. Spectral. Spector.

Spector. The Silver Lake Spectrum. Spectral. Spectral. Yeah. Specter. Specter. Specter. The Silver Lake Spectrum is the big outdoor mall where you get top hats and fixed gear bikes. I am haunted by that, actually. Artisanal coffee. Brian, what's the word on Crystal Pepsis? $15 for a can of Crystal Pepsi, Brian says. What's a six pack going for?

Are there any sixers there? Yeah. Do we get a discount? No sixers. Ink. Wow. No sixers. Wow. No sixers available. Individual can. You're going to have to put your collection together piecemeal.

One at a time, 15 bucks. Speaking of silver lakeery, I bet that would go over really well at some fancy cocktail bar. It's like, oh, it's 20 bucks for a vodka and crystal Pepsi. Oh my God. That would be great. Those guys would clean up. That would be great.

I kind of feel like we have to do that. Served in a rock crystal glass. Right, yeah. We might steal that. Sorry. Yeah, we might steal that. Sorry. Oh, that's right.

You guys are the cocktail show. We make abominable cocktails at times. We make really good ones, but sometimes you got to hit me with a... It's the new Red Bowl. Sometimes you got to put a chicken nugget on the rim of a cocktail. Okay, let's take this moment for a little bit of education here. Number one, what is a really gross cocktail that you've made that people should not make at home? They should just watch you make it and let it allow it to amuse them.

Do you want to say it on three? Do you know what I think? Wait. One that we've actually made before? Yeah. Okay. We'll see. One, two, three.

Umami elixir. Shit. Really? I thought that's what you were going to say. You're right. She's right. I'm wrong. She's right.

Abby's right. What is it? What did you guys agree on? One, two, ham daiquiri. That's it. Yeah. We made a ham daiquiri. I love that we differed in opinions on that.

Actually, that's my one. I like the one that I said, too. Georgia likes the garlic-infused vodka, truffle Actually, that's my one. I like the one that I said to Georgia like Georgia likes the garlic infused vodka, truffle oil and dry vermouth and anchovy and anchovy. I found it disgusting, but we did make a blended ham cocktail

blended. Why chunky? It was a challenge. It was a challenge. But we also we had like a blender Georgia's like antique blender from 1964, which barely, barely like tore the ham apart. It like hugged the ham lightly. It just jostled the ham.

Yeah. You don't want a jostled ham. No. It was chewy. It was pulpy. What's worked? What's worked? You say garlic and anchovy.

You enjoy it. I like that. I didn't like that as much. What's your favorite, Allie? I think one of my favorite cocktails we've made is, I really like old-fashioned, so we made based on that, we made one with five spice, which is

a Chinese five spice blend they use to cook duck. But it's like star, cloves, chashuang pepper. Anyway, really good. So we did that. Made it with simple syrup. Made a simple syrup and made that with rum and a kumquat. It was fucking good. And I like the – we made a chocolate cherry sriracha cocktail once that I really liked.

You know, it's such a – you know, it's such a kind of a dopey foodie trend to add sriracha to everything. I'm okay with it. Go ahead and do it. That shit's delicious. Thank you. I love it. Thank you for the information. Yeah, anytime something is like infused with sriracha, I'm like, this is a little dopey, but I kind

of want this more now. Wait, isn't Lay's doing that right now? Lay's Potato Chips. Yeah, there's a sriracha chip. How are those sriracha chips? I haven't had them. They also have a chicken and waffles chip. I know.

I want to try those. That doesn't sound very good. Probably not. Apparently, it tastes like chicken and waffles. Yeah, that sounds terrible on a chip. You don't like chicken and waffles and potatoes? I would eat the chicken or the waffles, but I wouldn't want them merged into one thing. I think you have a chip. You don't like chicken and waffles and potatoes? I would eat the chicken or the waffles, but I wouldn't want them merged into one thing.

I think you have a close... I would eat them together on a plate. I don't have a beef with chicken and waffles the dish. No. I just don't want them averaged. You know what I'm saying? I don't want... You don't want the mean. Yeah, I don't want the mean of those three things infused into a potato.

I think that's fair, but too bad because they made them. Sorry, Jesse. I know you lobbied pretty hard against the Lays Corporation. What can I do? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Detective. Georgia Hartstark, the kid. Allie Ward, charming disappointment. Hey, Jordan, did you hear about the great success of this week for BoatParty.biz? Oh, you took down McGrath. We took down McGrath, my friends.

Okay, so here's the deal. At MaximumFun.org, we are putting on an amazing boat cruise. It's out of Miami this fall. It features basically the most amazing lineup of comedians and musicians ever, including, well, it's John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats, Nellie Mackay, our friend John Roderick from The Long Winters, Kurt and Kristen, Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, Al Madrigal, Mark Maron, Eugene Merman. The list goes on and on. So we launched this thing, which is called the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival, a.k.a. BoatParty.biz. And in our FAQ, we highlighted, does this cruise have a rival cruise? We said, yes, the Mark McGrath and Friends cruise featuring Smash Mouth would be our

rival cruise in that we would essentially get them in our sights and take them down. Two days after we launched this effort, two short days, guess who folded like a cheap fucking card table? No. Yeah. You'll know him by his frosted tips. His name is Mr. Mark McGrath. Well, I think now, you know, there's a lot of orphan bands looking for a cruise.

I mean, do you want to pick- Should we pick up a Spin Doctors? I don't know. Should we add a Gin Blossoms? Depends on how much the original lineup is there. I'm saying 75% or more, grab the Gin Blossoms. You know what one of the advantages of getting the Gin Blossoms on the show would be? That it would upset Mark McGrath because, you know, hey, jealousy.

Oh, my God. Yeah, boo. Yeah, boo. Anyway, we took down McGrath in two days. We've also already, already, in the like three days since we've announced the cruise when we're recording this, we've already got like 75 or 100 people on the cruise. This thing is insane. We've been in the AV Club, Splitsider, Chortle.co.uk, which is the biggest comedy site in the UK because our buddy Josie Long is going to be on the cruise, a hilarious British comedian.

So, look, I think the lesson, the take-home lesson from this is you do not want to be our enemy. Okay? And the best way to ensure you're on the good list is get a ticket right now at boatparty.biz. Or at least go there and check out the lineup. Check out the ship. Check out the shuffleboard contest. Check out the KCRW DJ. Check out all the cool stuff that is going to be on this cruise. That sounds really fun.

Yeah. It's going to be fun as shit. Can we come? Can we make cocktails? Specialty cocktails on your cruise? You know what? It's funny that you mention that. At MaxFunCon, we always have a specialty cocktail maker on hand. Usually it's our friend Dr. Cocktail. Not trying to brag or anything. He has a doctorate in it. But unfortunately, on the ship, we're not allowed to make cocktails because they have to control the alcohol concession.

Wow. I know. Isn't that a bummer? That's the one thing that I wish. But, you know, at the end of the day, like, it doesn't matter if you're drinking, you know, cruise ship Mai Tais. You get a little drunk and Dan Deacon comes on stage and starts bleeping and blooping. Pretty soon you're fucking dancing out of your head, you know, one way or the other. One way or the fucking other. One way or other. What is the date, please, of the cruise? We're looking at September 2013. September 14 through 17, is that right? 21 through 23. God damn it, Brian Fernandez, get on

this. Go to boatparty.biz. Crystal Pepsi question. Well, hey, I can make another announcement while Brian is looking that up. 13 through 16. September 13 through 16, 2013. And hey, up on the Jumbotron, Alice Lee wants us all to go to probablynever.com. It's a weekly email created by Alice Lee. Each Thursday, you get an essay, humor piece, or a short story directly to your inbox.

One email a week, never more than a thousand words. Hopefully worth your time. You know what? You don't like it, you can just delete it. But in the meantime, go sign up for that shit because Alice is one of the top Max Funsters ever. Ever! I bet you'll love it. Probably never.com.

Sorry, Cracksworth, but it's the truth. We're looking at you, love rhino. These are people's forum names on our forum that we really like. We really like these people. Well, we'd pit them against each other in a sort of gladiatorial conflict if we had to. Of course. If it came down to it. Yeah.

We just want to see some slow motion blood spray. And I'm, at the end of the day, my money's on Alice because her special weapon is an ukulele. She could fuck somebody up with that ukulele. Probablynever.com. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to get in on the boat party, go to boatparty.biz. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Go to boatparty.biz.

We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Georgia Hartstark, camel toe. Allie Ward, grossed out. By camel toes. Yes.

Yeah. That's fair. That's gross. Hey, Jordan. So just for the benefit of the two of you ladies, last week on the program, we had a discussion about farms. And it led to the question of what animal would be the best animal to have on a farm that doesn't already live on a farm. Because I love farm animals, especially goats, who are the funniest animal on a farm and will eat anything. I suggested a giant tortoise, like an enormous one,

the kind that you can measure with a yardstick. I'm kind of against these videos where a goat screams like a person. Oh, my God. I don't like that either. I feel like it de-cutes the goat in general. I mean, I guess I think the screams are pretty funny, but also I would rather the goat remain like a pristine animal that doesn't have a terrifying side. I love them. I love them.

You love the screaming goats? It brings humanity to the goats. That they can experience terror? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. In an all too literal sense. We had some good suggestions on the forum. I really like some of the suggestions on the forum. Someone suggested to me that the answer was definitely a giraffe.

I was just thinking that. Why would? Now tell me what your thinking was. Because if you live on like an apple orchard, they can grab the apples for you. Yes. Do you think they would give it to you or do you think they would just eat it for themselves? I'm sure you can train a giraffe to give you the apple. Giraffes are smart animals.

Look at those little horns they got on their head. That's true. Too much brains. Those are little brain pockets poking out. I thought they were antenna, like Martian antenna. Then they're getting signals

that we can't pick up. Oh. Yeah. You have a lot of, you have a lot of, like, predisposition towards, like, conspiracy theories. You guys should not be

on Food Network. You guys should be on Sci-Fi or something. Okay. Let's get you guys SyFy or something. Okay. Let's get you guys on National Geographic late at night. Isn't History Channel all conspiracy theory stuff now? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

You guys should be hosting your own version of Ancient Aliens, but it's about giraffes getting signals and ghosts in skinny jeans. Putting their balls in your face. I am totally into that idea. That's 2014. That's planned 2014. Yeah, we're going to take over Don Wildman's position. You know what?

This other show that you're doing, you should plan for it to run more than a year. I don't mean to be rude. We'll multitask. We're modest girls. We'll multitask and then we'll take some time off

for a boat cruise. Yeah. Okay. Giraffe is a good idea. Do you have an idea for what? I was going to say a herd of sugar gliders just because I think that they would be adorable. That's a really cute animal.

One to beat. That's the one to beat. Are they in herds? No, but I think that in a domesticated situation they would band together. I think they would too. But I think that they could get a lot done. Sure. And also if you had a sugar cane field, I think that they could get a lot done. Sure. And also if you had a sugar cane field, I think that they would be really adept at going in between the rows.

Yeah. Just checking up on stuff. Sure. So you think they would kind of be the overseers? Yeah, I think that they would be like benign tiny crusaders. I think so too. I agree. Wholeheartedly.

Sugar glider. One to beat. I would have a favorite though and he would hang out in my overall pocket it's you and me Woodrow oh his name is Woodrow and then you go on an adventure on the high seas together we might does he have an eye patch can he have an eye patch no he's got both eyes

but he could wear one for Halloween because we celebrate stuff together well you guys I think should have a joint costume I'll be the parrot and he'll be the pirate. I don't mean to be rude, you guys. But someone on our forum whose message board name is N. Scranor has suggested giraffe. Had some reasons. But before I get into the reasons, I want to establish N. Scranor's credibility here.

Runs a website called rateeveryanimal.com. Oh, well. Well, I mean. That means I was right, I think. Okay. So it says the stubby little horns, which are called ossicones, learns to walk just hours after birth, has a prehensile and blue tongue. Now, the sugar glider actually flies out of the mother's vagina.

It starts sailing on the breeze as soon as it gets out. That's true. It's like a rocket. It's like a bullet out of a gun. A baby sugar glider out of a mama sugar glider. Someone suggests- It's like a cannonball. A carousel, which is like a little bit

bigger than a serval and doesn't have spots but has tufted ears. Eh. I'm looking at it. I would say just go with a serval. I mean, it's a beautiful creature. Don't get me wrong. It looks a little bit like a jackalope with a cat head. Oh, that sounds adorable.

But it's pretty, pretty solid. Oh, that sounds adorable. But it's pretty, pretty solid. Oh, Bearcats, a.k.a. Binturongs. Those are like civets that don't poop gourmet coffee. I don't understand any of that. Civets eat coffee beans and then poop them out, and that makes them really special coffee beans. They're super expensive. Really?

Yep. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Really? So someone sorts through Wow. Yeah. Really? So someone sorts through the poop? Get it? Coffee seeds?

I think capybara. It's good, Alex. Capybaras. Yeah. That's a pretty compelling. That's the world's largest rodent. Oh, R-O-S-S. But the thing is, you don't want an omnivore or a carnivore on your farm.

You need an herbivore or else you've got a hen house to take care of. You don't want to invite a predator onto your farm. Do you think a capybara could take a hen in a fight? I don't think so. It's too sweet. Hens are very maternal. I don't think they fight very much. You can eat the capybara if you need to like they do in South America.

But it's tough meat. It is, but you stew it. Cook it low and slow. You guys are you stew it. Cook it low and slow. You guys are food personalities. You know about low and slow. You braise wild animals. You've got to braise your game so it's not so gamey. What you do is you

cut off the capybara's ear. You hold it under a lighter and then you rub it around the rim of your whiskey glass. It's called a capppy bar old fashioned. Giant ice cube. Yeah, giant ice cube. You need artisan ice cubes.

I'd like to see you guys make a cappy bar themed cocktail. I don't think we would. I think it would be a cappy bar. We'd open the cappy bar. Oh, right. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. And then it would be all cappy bar drinks. Yeah.

Then we'd close immediately. Then we'd close because we would be our only patrons. We got a call. Then we close immediately. Then we close because we would be our only patrons. We got a call. We got a call. Someone suggested an animal. Brian, run that call for us. This is Jim from Jersey calling in, R.E., the new farm animal.

My proposal is that of the red panda. Just think about it. We currently live in a world where cats are no longer pets, but rather a means of Internet fame. And let's think about it. You know, Red Panda videos are probably the only thing that are, like, cuter than cats. But since you're so aware, you just don't see them that often. Also, I think it'd be kind of cool to break the Chinese monopoly on them.

So, hey, call for Internet fame. No, I think that's interesting. Farm 2.0. And I like it because it has a jingoistic quality to it. Taking down the Chinese. I always like a jingoistic quality. If you can bring an appeal to patriotism into any argument, it makes it stronger as far as I'm concerned. Why should the Chinese have all the pandas?

Yeah. Why are they hoarding them to themselves? And why are these pandas still communists? And why do their eyes look different from mine? Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down.

We can get racist? No, we don't get racist. Only against marsupials. Let's call them ginger pandas and let's breed them and sell them to people in wealthier parts of Dubai and Santa Monica. You know what I say? I say we cross them with poodles. Oh, I love those.

Then we can sell them to you. Cross them with a poodle. Then you can sell it to anybody. Red bandoodles. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, red bandoodles. Yeah, pandoodle. They're really smart.

Red pandoodle. That's what everyone says about poodle animals. Yeah. I already want on this waiting list. What about poodles? Should we just put poodles on this farm? Poodles are pretty great. Like elaborately quaffed poodles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those kind of competitive poodles, the kind where they make them look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Callie was just showing me photos. There was actually a photo. I would like any listener right now, if they can Google, a poodle that looks like a chicken. It's for real. It's legit. There's someone out there. I got a bug in them to make a poodle into a rooster.

There's one that's a buffalo. There's one that looks like a bison. They're horrifying. What if you had an entire farm and instead of farm animals Brian looked it up and now he's laughing uncontrollably. If instead of farm animals

you replace them with poodles quaffed to be like the farm animal. So you have an area of poodle steer. You have some poodle sheep. They do all the necessary farm work. They do it.

You have a poodle sheep dog herding the poodle sheep. The meat's okay the marbling is fair decent well I mean same problem with the poodle with the capybara

tough meat but then you just make a stewedle oh my god we'll be back in just a second I'm John Lissing yay la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Hey, guys.

Jordan Morris breaking in here real quick with a very important message about the future of podcasting. Podcasters are currently under attack from a patent troll called Personal Audio. And what a patent troll is is it's someone who buys up a questionable patent and then sues everybody involved. And there is currently a company doing that to podcasters. Now, if you want to help us out, there is something called the SHIELD Act that is currently pending before Congress. And we want you to write your representative and tell them that you support the SHIELD Act. How you can do that, you can go to EFF.org slash SHIELD. There's a really easy form letter there to tell your representatives that you want to put a stop to patent trolls. Please, if you love podcasts,

if you love independent businesses, if you love independent media, it's a really quick and easy way to help us out. It makes a ton of difference. EFF.org slash SHIELD. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jordan. I'm just here. I'm Allie.

I'm watching her be here. You guys, it's fun. Is that okay? I mean, it's nice., boy detective. I'm Jordan. I'm just here. I'm Allie. I'm watching her be here. You guys, that's fun. Is that okay? I mean, it's nice. It's fun. It's chill.

Okay. Can I ask you a question? Please. Why is 49ers, former 49ers tight end Brent Jones have such an enormous house in Danville? And also, why do I still look at the San Francisco Chronicle online when I've been living in Los Angeles for seven years? I don't know the answer to either of those questions.

Neither do I. That's why I asked. Yeah. Sorry. I got nothing for you. $8 million. That's what it cost to buy. Brent Jones was a good football player, but, I mean, the guy's an all-pro, but he's not a superstar.

Yeah. I mean, don't know. I mean, I just recently watched that 30 for 30 documentary about why sports players lose all their money. So I basically am surprised that there's one still with his money. Why do they lose all their money? Because of – Bad investments? Well, I was going to say there's a website called findaballer.com. And the premise of findaballer.com is women sign up for this.

And then when a baller is spotted, all the women who have signed up get a text message. And then they all come and try and get impregnated by the baller. Are you blaming a guy losing all of his money on a woman? I'm blaming findaballer.com. I'm blaming a website. I'm blaming Brent Jones, former tight end for the glory years, 1980s, San Francisco 49ers. Oh, well, that's why he has all his money is because he was- To a lesser extent, I blame fullback Tom Rathman.

But both of them. I'm no sports psychologist, but I have to say people who have excelled in professional sports probably have a predisposition for impulse control problems, aggression, possibly drug abuse. And, and, and great investments, great investments.

And maybe, maybe there's a narcissistic quality. So maybe, maybe they do themselves in instead of their horrible, horrible wives that they find. You know what? I'm really great at sports and I, none of those apply to me.

How are you? $8 million house in Danville. Great at sports? That's a good point. See? I'm not even an all pro. Honest truth is I'm not even an all pro. The best I ever got was second team.

So don't hate on them. They're going to waste their money big time. But I don't know why you still read the Chronicle. I mean, I get that. I think maybe, do you have attachment issues to the Bay Area? I'm from there. It's weird that you were from Orange County. Yeah.

And you two were from the Bay Area. Where in the Bay Area are you from? I was born in the city. We lived in Daly City. And then we sort of ping-ponged around Bay Area, but 925. I went to school in Orinda. Oh, Orinda. It had a Latin program.

My parents rented a house within the school district. And then they moved the day that I graduated. Everyone had golden. You made a we beat the system face because you grew up in Orinda, the worst place in America. I'm sure it's very nice. Orinda is perfectly pleasant. No, Orinda, there was a stabbing where a cheerleader stabbed another cheerleader and then they made a Tori Spelling movie about it. A friend to die for.

That's so cool. That sounds fun. Let's get to our fucking calls. When something momentous happens, we actually give us a call at 206-984-4-fun. Put it in your fucking phone so you don't have to remember it. Don't be an idiot, America. Some of you have done

so. Brian Fernandez will share them with us now. This is Jessica Reedy in Portland, Oregon, and I'm calling this a major momentous occasion. I just attended my first burlesque show, and it was a Weird Al-themed burlesque show. I just felt like I needed to call it and share. Thanks. Bye. Wow.

That's so cool. That's 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10 Portland points? Yes. A Weird Al themed burlesque show. I got it all on UHF, I guess. They do. Weird Al themed.

Oh, wait. Weird Al or Weird Owl? I heard Owl. No, Weird Al. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.. No. I'm like, oh yeah, Portland. I mean, sure, they love fucking.... No. No. I heard owl. I heard owl. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit of Portland. I heard a little bit Weird Al. Wow! How did you guys remain so calm? I heard owl-themed burlesque show. I'm like, oh, yeah, Portland. I mean, sure. No. Fucking weird Al. I'm still absorbing it.

Wow. To Yankovic. You know, I'm just, top of my head, kind of want to see the woman who danced to Fat. I was thinking Eat It. Yeah, Eat It. Sure. A lot of props. Jordan, are you erect right now? Yeah.

I'm just humming the white stuff in my head over and over again. Yeah. Boy. Weird Al themed? So what do we got? We got sexy Amish. Sexy Amish Paradise. Sure. Maybe sexy Kurt Cobain. Sexy bus passengers. Forxy Amish Paradise. Sure. Maybe Sexy Kurt Cobain. Sexy Bus Passengers?

For another one who rides the bus. I would like it if it was all Weird Al originals, not the parodies. Like, yeah, Dare to be Stupid, Horoscope Song, My Baby's in Love with Eddie Vedder. Like, oh, no, we're not doing the parodies. They're like Weird Al snobs. Just the real shit. What? We need to go to Portland next season for our travel show.

Absolutely. And we have to go to this. We're going. Yeah. We're going to perform it. Do you guys have favorite Weird Al songs that you'd like to see acted out sexually? I think just Fat from when I was like, you know, that was so, I think it changed everything when I heard it and I was like, oh, this is a joke.

I love it. It's so heard it and I was like, oh, this is a joke. I love it. It's so funny to make fun of things. I was – actually, this came up the other day for me. I am part of a group of guys that knew the Weird Al versions of songs before we knew the original versions. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like definitely like the white stuff and like Bohemian Rhapsody, which was the Bohemian polka. Like just knowing those songs first and laughing at them and then like finding the popular

music version of them. And realizing that it's even more brilliant than you thought it was. Right. Well, less funny, less weird. So I liked it less. We served cocktails at Comedy Bang Bang Christmas pageant like two years ago. And we were like carrying all our stuff in and they were like doing a warm up of Weird Al. And I'm walking up the aisle of the theater and he's walking down it towards me singing a song.

And he looks at me and smiles and waves at me and walks by me while Weird Al is singing. And I almost started crying. And I called my brother immediately. He was like, you don't even know what's happening to me well I mean you probably went to see him all the time at the Orange County Fair as a kid

probably yeah I was obsessed with him as I did I went to his house one time no big deal what? NBD what was the occasion?

I was interviewing him for my public radio program he is cordial and pleasant a host and so is his family I met his wife and child and their dog. Just a bunch of really nice, pleasant people.

Can I bring it down for a sec? Don't talk about his parents. He is so lucky because his parents both died, but they died in the best way. Like his parents had carbon monoxide poisoning. They both died. There's no best way. They died in the best way. He's very unlucky.

You don't die of ghost ball suffocation. No, but think about it. That in the best way he's very unlucky you don't die of ghost ball suffocation no but think about it that's the worst way ghost ball that's horrible but no but he's so lucky his parents died in no pain and no suffering together in their sleep like 20 years before they no one they were older no one had to miss each other this is the worst thing anyone has ever said on our show i think that people have said some really horrible things on our show. I think that's the best way to die. I'm glad you apologized before you said that, but it wasn't enough. I think if you chose that way, I totally agree with you.

But if it just happened, it sucks. Well, what are the other, what? One of them gets hit by a bus and then the other gets, you know, breaks a hip and dies alone four years later. That sucks. Just go out in your sleep and you're like, hey, guess what? I never missed you because we died at the exact same time painlessly in a bed. And our son is the world's foremost song parodist.

Exactly. I think that they had it pretty good. Someone's going to murder you. You know that, right? No, they don't have to haunt anyone because they're like, that was dope, you guys. Got no regrets. No regrets.

They high-fived as soon as they got to heaven because they're so dope. Let's take another call, please. I can't go any further into this nightmare. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guests. This is Nick from Denver calling with a momentous occasion. In an unprecedented fit of spontaneity, on about two minutes of discussion,

my girlfriend and I just bought our tickets to the Atlantic Ocean Comedy Music Festival, or as I like to call it, Jordan Jesse Cruise. It'll be our first cruise, our first Maximum Fun event. We're very excited. You know, we should correct him that Jordan Jesse Cruise is a separate event where we get in our lowrider and drive really slow downtown. Wait, then what do we call that thing where we go to the low bushes in Griffith Park and we suck closeted gay guy's dicks? I knew that's where that was going to come from. That's called Thursday night.

Thursday night, baby. It's called Thursday night. Thursday night, baby. You see, what I like about this guy who called in to plug the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival slash boatparty.biz, he knows how to pander. Pander right, and you can get on the air on your favorite podcast. Red pander. Yeah. Remember Red Pandas earlier?

I remember we were talking about that. Guys. I remember that. That's funny. Red pandering about that. I remember that. Red pandering? Yeah. Anyway. Let's take another call. Hey, JJ Goh.

This is Neil in New Mexico. I'm not sure if it's a momentous occasion or a moment of shame, but earlier on the cops called around to my house, and I was wondering what they wanted. He asked if he could step inside for a second. I thought, oh, my God, something's happened to my girlfriend. But luckily, it was just about a report of my next-door neighbor who apparently has a habit of sitting in his backyard in front of the mirror masturbating. So I just thought you guys would like to hear about that.

Love the show. Thanks, guys. Bye. Wait, what? So the cops, why does this, why, can you get arrested for that? Apparently, what the cops do is they set up a two-way mirror. They just let folks know. They just keep people posted. Hey, if you've ever wanted to see a guy jacking off in a backyard looking at himself in the mirror. Oh, he's in the backyard. That's a weird specific place to have to do that.

Like, in your bedroom, fine, but... Yeah. Backyard. Well, I think that's the point that other people can see, yeah? Probably. Maybe he...

Or you like to look at... You also like to hear the bug zapper going off. Oh, yeah. Like, some people like the scratch of an iguana on a false log. Some people like the sounds

of many moths being electrocuted. I do love the sound of a bug zapper. I hate that bugs are dying, but it's nostalgic. Yeah, it's kind of soothing. I would masturbate in the backyard for that. Sure. Near the slip and slide in the kiddie pool. Reminds you of Orinda.

It does remind me of all those nights in Orinda outside with a mirror. Orinda nights. Orinda nights. Orinda nights. It was wild. That was the, if I knew how to say I masturbate in front of a mirror, therefore I am in Latin. Yeah. I would, now would be the moment to say it. Oh, I think.

If I had been saving it for the last 20 years of my life. That was the. For the perfect moment. That was the least successful Baywatch spinoff, right? Orinda nights. The least successful Baywatch spinoff, right? Arenda Nights? It was sexy and had supernatural elements, but also, you know, locale left something to be desired.

Daily City Weekend was a show where just a group of Filipino teenagers go to the Jollibee. 909 was the 90210 spinoff. Where everyone just got into truck accidents. Everyone was racist and got into truck accidents. Right. Just a guy getting a neck tattoo in real time. Where a lot of people called Salvadorian Americans Mexicans. And made sure they weren't allowed in the front

of the restaurant. Oh my god. That's racism. These are the racisms of California. I'm saying all because that exists. Do we have any more calls? No more calls. Give us a call, 206-984-4FUN.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Boy Detective. Georgia Hartstark. Georgia Hartstark. Allie Ward, Ginger Menace. How's that? I liked the kid before. The kid? I thought that might have been the strongest one in the whole program. I get nervous about nicknames, honestly. Don't. You guys did a great job the first time around.

No need to mix it up. Lord knows we never have. So, yeah. Don't put that on your plate. Should we? Should we ever have changed? See, the problem is sometimes I think I'd like to change my nickname. Me too.

However. I don't like how it automatically makes me low status. My problem with changing the nickname is that I would then, like right now, our nicknames are sort of vestigial like the stump of a tail on your tailbone. The problem is that if I change them, I would be recommitting myself to having given myself a ridiculous nickname. Right. It's either we lose the nicknames or just keep the other ones. Yeah, I hear you. And you know what?

I was a PA on the Ellen DeGeneres show on the season where she decided she didn't want to dance anymore. Decided she said, hey, I'm done with the dancing. Kind of a gimmick. Let's just not dance. She said at the top of the show, I've had a lot of fun dancing, but I think I don't want to dance. She said at the top of the show, I've had a lot of fun dancing but I think I don't want to dance.

And as a PA, it was one of my – one of my jobs was to check the Ellen email and to kind of just go through it and give some producers the vibe of what was going on in the Ellenfilled was the outcry that Ellen was not dancing anymore. Two weeks into it, they went back to dancing. Wow. I don't know. I don't know that our fans have that kind of rage in them, but I don't need that kind of deluge in my life. I don't want to be a mystery disappearance on boatparty.biz because I dropped my nickname. Sure. People are going to chuck you overboard.

I say keep them. Yeah. Keep them? Yep. Do you think they're fun? Yeah. I think they're, like, whimsical. Okay.

They are whimsical. That's fair. I think they suck. Thanks, AV Club commenter. If you go overboard, though, maybe John Ronson will write a piece about you. Okay. In his next book. Now we're talking.

If I can get Ronson on board. Yeah. That's the best. Ladies, you have this television program coming up. You have internet activities. Let's give people a quick rundown. If they want to enjoy a ham cocktail, what are some of the ways they can do it?

You could Bing or Google us. My name's Allie. It's A-L-I-E in Georgia, like the state. So that's the first step. Yeah, we have a podcast called Slumber Party with Allie in Georgia. Our TV show is going to be filmed in like nine days. Yeah, we start shooting our first television

show. We've been on the web for Cooking Channel for years, for two or three years, and doing shorts where we make cocktail videos and we go learn things. But we signed the paperwork on our first television series called The Allie and Georgia Show yesterday. Congratulations. You can go and find Classy

Ladies with Allie in Georgia. That's our web series where we have little shorts and stuff. But the Allie in Georgia show will be on cooking channel. It premieres in June. We'll be going all around the country, including Alaska and Miami and Vegas. And we go, we'll be doing all kinds of things.

Then they'll be bleeping all kinds of cursing and lovely dresses and eating and drinking things. And then, uh, you'll be bleeping your dresses. We then, uh, you'll be put up in your dresses. We have, the dress just says fuck on it. It's a crotchless cocktail gown.

But, um, so that all happens. And then we're also on the Twitter and the Tumblr. Allie and Georgia. Get up in our business. Please stalk us. Well,

ladies, thank you so much for joining us on Jordan, Jesse. Thank you so much for having us. You guys. We'll talk to you online at maximum fund.org forum.maximumfund.org on the twitters with the hashtag jj go of course i'm at jesse thorne jordan is at jordan underscore morris we're both on tumblr too sure jesse thorne dot tumblr.com jordan morris dot tumblr.com tough to Yeah. We try and keep it cloaked. Sure. Carefully cloaked.

Oh, I issue an apology. A couple weeks ago, we talked about the show Enlightened, and we had never seen it, and we both thought it was bad, and then I watched it, and it's really good. I don't think I thought it was bad. Did we think it was bad? I don't think we thought it was bad. I think someone said we should watch it, and then we both kind of rolled our eyes a little bit.

We said we weren't sure if we should watch it, but I don't think we dismissed the quality of it. I thought it was bad. No, I think it's supposed to be quite good. It's very good. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, it's scary good. Yeah, true. Is it enjoyable? It's a little bit hard. It's tough. I think the reason, I think our understanding

was that while it was a very good show, we might not should watch it because it might be not enjoyable. Yeah, it's hard to watch more than one in a row because it's, you know, it's a Mike White thing, so, you know, it's a to watch more than one in a row because it's a Mike White thing. It's a little trying sometimes, but it is so funny and so good. But one a day. One a day. That's fair. That's a decent number of

Enlightened to watch. Just like in Elderly Person's Vitamins. And after a month, you just get carbon monoxide poisoning and die in your sleep. So I'm sorry I rolled my eyes at you, Enlightened. You're very good. Okay.

206-984-4FUN. Brian Fernandez on the boards. We'll see you online and at boatparty.biz. Later, gang.