Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 266: Weird Hair Bunch with DC Pierson and Cameron Esposito

Episode Date: March 11, 2013

Comedian and author DC Pierson and comedian Cameron Esposito join Jordan for a discussion of burlesque shows, Taken, the Wahlberg brothers, and insurance mascots.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne, vacationing in Austin for the South by Southwest Festival. Maybe vacationing isn't the right word for it. A working vacation. He's probably having a good time. Maybe vacationing isn't the right word for it. A working vacation.

He's probably having a good time. But next to me in the booth this week, two very capable guests slash co-hosts. First, we have a stand-up comedian and author of the new adult book, Crap Kingdom, D.C. Pearson. It sounded like you were going to come up with a weird name for what – kind of like a new like a new young a bunch book or something like that yeah exactly yeah like you were going to name a new right genre a real young a book an i can read a long book that's accompanied by a tape and you turn the page when a chime sounds a collection of tina words words for teens uh it's just the word mall over and over again and then at the end it says lol right uh yes uh it's just It's just the word mall over and over again. And then at the end it says LOL. Right.

Yes. It's just 300 pages of emojis. That's good. The collected works of Japanese teenagers. Yes. Oh, in case we didn't say the name, Crap Kingdom. Yes. Your new young adult novel. Yeah.

It just came out this past Thursday, March 7th. So it is out and available in bookstores, on e-readers, on Amazon and online. Wherever fine books are sold. Wherever fine books are sold, as I've been saying. Occupying the third chair this week is another stand-up comedian and someone who may or may not be hosting a podcast on this very network sometime soon, Cameron Esposito. Cameron, welcome. Oh, thank you so much.

And I just want to clarify before we start the show, I'm the you, right? Because, I mean, DC's here. I don't want to have any confusion. Like, you're the Jesse today, but I'm the you. I mean, I think DC clearly... As an egomaniac. Okay, because I just feel like I have some improv training, and I know that DC does as well, but I just really feel like I'm comfortable on stage at the UCB.

Yeah. I can curl my hair if you want me to. I was going to say, maybe we should just preempt JJ Go this week for a new podcast, The Weird Hair Bunch. That's true. We all do have the most fucked up hair. We have very interesting hair. Of like any comics there are. Way to go, us.

Yeah, we really did it. Everyone else is a coward as far as I'm concerned. I think so too with their conservative usual haircuts. Just last night I was at a show and I was wearing a baseball cap when I got on stage and then I was talking about how there was a bunch of other lesbians in the show that had long hair, which I was like, what's going on with you ladies? Then I realized the audience thought I too was a long haired lesbian. So I took off my cap to reveal the side mullet really worked in the room.

I want you to know, Slade, people had to leave it. I mean, I bet that's like, that sounds to me kind of like the standup comedy equivalent of the last scene of The Usual Suspects. Yes, exactly. equivalent of the last scene of The Usual Suspects. Yes, exactly. Well, it was kind of like I'm reading my tattoos and like, oh, now I understand what this entire movie has meant. You know, like kind of a memento, sort of a... Sure.

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Guys... Oh, yeah. DC, please. Wait, I'm sorry. I haven't seen Usual Suspects.

Why? What happens at the end? Everything works out just fine. I was kidding. I have seen it. Chaz Palminteri mouth kisses Kevin Spacey for an uncomfortable amount of time. Interesting. Yeah.

It's a lot of fun. And then Kevin Spacey is sort of southern. He's a senator. Yeah. I still haven't seen House of Cards, which I should get that. That should just be my – I should tweet that every five hours, I feel like. Still haven't seen it. Just to let people know. Still haven't seen it. Just to let people know.

Still haven't seen it because Twitter does really seem like it's more become a vehicle for people letting you know whether or not they've seen House of Cards. That's how far they are into it. Twitter should just be called HaveYouSeenHouseOfCards.com. But I haven't seen it. But then I saw like a promo for it or something. And I didn't realize that Kevin Spacey had a southern accent. And then I think as soon as I saw that, I was like, I can wait another month. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Not only does he have a, here's something that might make you wait two months. Right, exactly. He has a southern accent and periodically talks to the camera. Which nobody had warned me about, but when I did see that, I actually had to stop it for a second, throw my hands up, and walk out of the room. That being said, there is hope for you. I watched it in one day.

Oh, wow. I mean, it was a very dedicated day. I'm not trying to say it was a day where I got anything else done or where I closed my eyes at all within a 24-hour period or that I felt good for the next two weeks. Were you coming down off something? I just, I was having, I got back from hosting a burlesque show in Chicago over Valentine's Day. And so it was a lot of nudity, real hot women.

My adrenaline was going. Because when I'm around women that are naked and their bodies are perfect, but my job is to host for them, I just feel like I've got to stay very professional. But it's hard. I'm a man. I have needs. Sure. I mean, it would be very unprofessional of you

to stop the show to motorboat. Right. Because, again, there's different sort of – just like you want there to be very like particular like confusion like roles that we each – and like archetypes that we each fall into on this particular program. In the burlesque hosting world, there's a very specific – you have one person hosting. They stay very sort of like just professional and together. And then you have like the cartoon wolf that's basically just supposed to come out and go, wowza! Ooh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they spin a bow tie. Yeah, so what, so yeah, how do you behave when you're hosting a burlesque show, I guess? Do you have to be straight-laced so as to create a kind of you know caveat to the nudity you know i think that because that's the wrong word you know what i mean counterpoint yeah so it's like there's nudity and then cameron just starts reading uh like transcripts i put on more Supreme Court that's what i do i just put on jackets yeah no you know what i here's what i think i'm as a lady i think i'm in a privileged position because uh it not like – I don't think I'm very threatening.

Yeah, I know about the glass ceiling. I've heard about the glass ceiling. Oh, yeah. I mean in this – this is the one place in the whole world, in the whole entire world. But there's not – I don't think I can be super creepy. It's really hard for me to be creepy because I'm like smiley, kind of small. So I just tell the audience the truth, which is that I'm having the best day of my life. I just tell the audience you're meeting me in the best moment of my life. Guys, isn't this great?

And all these women are beautiful, and I'm excited about it. I'm real happy. So last week on the show, we had a caller call in, someone from Portland, which is now an extraneous detail once I finish the story, because if I didn't say it, you would just assume this is happening in Portland. Someone who went to a Weird Al themed burlesque show. And and we didn't get a lot of additional information about it. I think the assumption was that people were playing, you know, like the Weird Al video characters. You're Amish guy from Amish Paradise.

You're a guy from fat. Did this particular burlesque show that you were at have a theme? Well, it didn't have a theme because this particular show is run by a gal named Michelle Lamour. You might know her. She's the ass that goes pow. That's her

tagline. Sounds familiar. Sounds familiar. She's this kind of nationally renowned, even internationally renowned star. She comes here to Los Angeles sometimes and she does Lucia Vavum. Okay. I don't know if you've ever heard of that show.

But also. You know, I prefer the ass that goes, cool it, guys. The RA ass. Keep it. It's quiet hours. She is the ass that goes pow. Her big. I wish my ass made an onomatopoeia.

Mine goes pow, but for different reasons, I think, sometimes. Hey-o. I mean, after – There you go. Hey-o. I was just going to say beans because I'm seven. Her big claim to fame – not – I mean, she's done many other things, but she was on America's Got Talent a bunch of years ago. And this was when David Hasselhoff was still hosting.

And she had this piece that she had choreographed to the Knight Rider theme song. And somehow America's Got Talent also secured the rights to Kit, the talking car. Wow. And so you can look this up on YouTube. It's, like, really amazing. I'm doing it as we speak. I'm ignoring the rest of your story. I like that you're making it sound like a git.

They somehow managed to have appear on television the talking car from Knight Rider on a show that David Hasselhoff hosts. Probably on the network that Knight Rider was originally on. But they somehow locked it down. They were saying something. No, come on. They managed to get the Bonanza theme music. It is amazing. You guys.

I'm not saying it's not amazing. You don't understand joy is my problem here. Right. We're cold. We're dead inside. Oh, wait. So actually, before you continue the story, I guess I don't remember the Knight Rider theme music, and I can't think if it's even good for stripping.

Knight Rider, you'll get caught up in the Knight Rider. Yeah. And then the kid just goes, yeah, yeah. And then they're in a volcano for stripping. Can you guys? Knight Rider. You'll get caught up in the Knight Rider. Yeah. And then the kid just goes, yeah, yeah. And then they're in a volcano for some reason. I think you guys are thinking of the Burger King Kids Club, actually.

Oh, okay. We are Knight Riders. Ten million strong. Knight Riders. Oh, I've just been sued by that. K-N-X-10-70. Knight Rider.

Play it all. You're talking cards of the 60s, 70s, 80s, and today. Knight Rider, K-N-X-T-70, Knight Rider, warning you that this isn't a good idea. Was Knight Rider a buzzkill? I never saw the show. He was, yeah. He was kind of the Spock to Hasselhoff's Kirk, right? I mean, Knight Rider is more sensible. Also voiced by Mr. Feeney.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, so it's that guy being like, get back to class, David, or whatever. You should meet World. Why won't you meet World? I'm sorry, Cameron, you were saying. No, that's all. So the theme song, I think it goes like,

like it's all instrumental. A lot of, anyway, my point is, car comes up from the stage, middle of point is, car comes up from the stage. From hell. Middle of the stage. Car comes up from hell. It was... We're all abominations

at these talking cars. We'll go. I should not be... According to my great uncle, the preacher, the conservative anti-talking car preacher. That would be funny

if there was just like a southern preacher who made like sci-fi conventions his thing. Like woman shall not lay with alien. All right. Planet shall not be overrun by apes. Right.

Continue. No, that's all. So she comes out. She's wearing a mechanics outfit. She takes off underneath a woman's body, hers even. Great. Great. I like it.

The ass that you've heard of that goes pow. And the best part, so it's an amazing performance. She's laying all over the car. The car's talking to David Hasselhoff. He's having a good time. Brandy, who's another judge, axes her out. What? Brandy?

She can't stand the female competition. So in this way, it then becomes kind of this like anti-feminist piece for a little bit. And then you kind of have to deal with that. Brandy starts singing, the car is mine. Yes. Car is mine. Monica appears. They somehow got Monica.

They somehow landed Monica. Two gets. Two huge gets in one show. You guys are apparently not as interested in the same kind of celebrities that I am. And then boom. For me, the biggest celebrity on that show is Kits. Two of the three original spin doctors. i'm very interested in all of those celebrities i just also like acknowledging like that part of why i'm interested in them is because

they literally picked up the phone and said i'll do it no but the card this is like all the stuff that i would be interested in in a show is like is just a woman dancing in front of like sure the original puppet that was the Terminator. You know what I mean? There couldn't be a bigger debt for me than that. That weird owl from Clash of the Titans. I can't imagine. It's like the original puppet from Jim Henson's Salmon Friends, the precursor to the Muppets,

and then a woman from Portland is just rubbing it all over her aerials. That's my best thing. I can't. That sounds great. One question about the ass, the ghost pal. Yeah. Does her act involve a lot of ass work? Like, does she have a signature ass move, or is that just kind of a cute title for cute titles?

It's just, like, highly visible, and she does go ahead and know how to shake it. Sure. I mean, you won't watch that and say, what a relaxed. You actually have to be certified by Uncle Luke from 2 Live Crew if you want to have a sort of ass honorarium like that. They're in a studio very much like this one. She comes in in front of a mic. Uncle Luke is out there in front of a lot of scientific equipment.

She makes her ass go pow. A big reel-to-reel computer. Prints out like a ticker tape thing. He looks at it. He holds it up. He's like, yep, ass goes pow. She can call herself that. Gosh, this is such a nice segue into something that

I, that has been on my mind lately on the subject of female nudity. I don't know if you guys have ever driven down Santa Monica in the kind of West Hollywood area and seen this place called the Paris House.

Has that come in? When you guys have lived in L.A., have you seen this? I mean, I'm sure I've probably driven past it, but I don't remember it. It's real nondescript, and it only has been on my mind because I live very close to it. It's called the Paris House, and it's in this very nondescript building, and it's in an area of West Hollywood where you would go to buy, like, a papaya and a CD of Mazurka music. Okay, yep. Like, it's not close to anything cool.

It's not close to anything happening. It's just, like, Russian grocery stores. Sure. And, like— E-cigarette outlets. E-cigarette outlets. Which are also recording studios. Yes.

I find that there's a lot of crossover recording studios in that part of Wisconsin. Absolutely. Yeah, recording studio slash headshot thing slash weed dispenser. Yes, exactly. Like a place you would go, not a hookah bar because that's too fun, but a place to go get hookah equipment. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hose or two.

Yeah, right. A replacement hose. It's like there you will find the Hank Hill of hookahs instead of propane. Absolutely. Right, right. So this year's your Dracar Noir 2000. We'll find the Hank Hill of hookahs instead of propane. Absolutely. Right. Right. So this year is your Drakkar Noir 2000. So there's this place called the Paris.

And this is very, you know, kind of nondescript brick building. I never see anyone buy it. They have a very big parking lot that never has any cars in it. And it says something like, it says something like adults only nude girls. And it's, and, and, you know, it is in, you know, it is in complete visual contrast to every other kind of Hollywood strip joint. It doesn't have the girls, girls, girls, neon or the, you know, it's just this simple kind of plain brick building. And I've always driven past it and gone, that's kind of weird,

but never given it any thought until I was walking by and saw their hours. Paris House is open from noon to 8 p.m. And now I can't stop thinking about it. Why does this strip joint close at 8 p.m.? The early bird special of nudity. Right. It's like where Grandpa goes after Sizzler when he wants a lap dance. He's gotten his steak and shrimp.

So, yeah. So it's that. Or this is the other theory that I've come up with about this place is that I think everybody, not everybody, but, you know, a strip club patron. Right. The ideal situation for a stripper, I think, other than I'm a fun tattooed Portland gal who's maybe hoping to write a screenplay about this, is the like, I'm doing this to get through medical school or I'm doing this to get through law school or something. I mean, you never want like, oh, I'm just a junkie. You know, you never want that as your stripper backstory. Maybe this is the place where those hours just support that backstory so well. I've got studying to do.

I've got midterms tomorrow. So I have to be home by 8.30 at the latest. First of all, I applaud your rosy outlook on that. Yeah, no kidding. To me, even when you were just describing that to me a second ago, I automatically go to this kind of James Bond but grittier kind of underworld situation where it closes in air quotes at 8. And then almost the entire building, like there's a book you pull from like a library that's in there. From like a library that's in there. And then it just zooms around. And then it's just like a really dirty, like taken sort of a situation. You know what I mean?

It almost makes me more nervous. Yeah, like where a Saudi prince would go to bid on a team. Like what's going on in there after eight? Because it's not open, but for a price. Someone's daughter is in the middle of some kind of panopticon situation where she's being bid on by Malaysian billionaires. Now, I'm not even saying that this business is like that. I'm just saying that if you were describing another business that I don't live in the same town as where somebody could theoretically hear me say that it's a front, I would say about that business. Yes, exactly what Cameron just said.

It sounds like a front for something else. It does to me. And then one has to wonder, because you feel like fronts are typically like, oh, it's a coffee shop, or it's a bar, or it's a... What happens when your front is already a suspicious thing? Something that people would...

Yeah, it's a methadone clinic. It is, yeah. It's like a really... You know what I want to just take as a sidebar here? Please. Is the fact that when Taken came out as a movie, nobody was talking. I didn't see it for like a really long time because I wasn't interested in it. Yeah, no, I mean, Taken has been, it has had this weird afterlife, you know?

It's been like, right, yes. Yes. No, I was just saying, nobody was talking about how crazy sinister that movie is. Totally. Because everybody was talking about like, oh, Liam Neeson's such a tough guy. But like the actual themes in that movie are so over the top terrible. Like he saves his daughter, I guess, but you meet hundreds of other women that are vomiting on themselves.

That he does not save. That are being traded for a diamond. That are just like, who gives a shit about those other gals? Liam Neeson's here today. Yeah. I want to see the other 999 movies of those girls' fathers incompetently trying to find them, like going to the local...

Played by Dave Thomas, Larry Miller. Just going to the card and game store in their town. Just being like, is Cindy here? No? All right. Well, gosh, she's... We just haven't heard from her in a while. I'm guessing she's been taken.

Just haven't heard from her in a while. I'm guessing she's been taken. Just haven't heard from her in a while. I have a very particular set of skills. They're all spreadsheet skills. And a little bit of model trainery. Right, yes, model train painting. I have a very specific set of skills that make me just a fine person to have taken their daughter. Right. It's cool.

I'm the guy whose daughter you want to kidnap. I am incompetent. There's a glowing, sunny end to that movie. Yeah, I mean, the daughter gets singing lessons from a famous singer. It's like if Precious

just ended with, like, actually that actor getting the Academy Award. Like, if the movie was extended and it pulled back... And cut. Great job. I'm like, I can't believe. And then someone's on the phone

Gabourey, you've been nominated. Oh, thank God. Because if I had to go through that. And she's whisked right from set to the Academy Award. To Hollywood. I mean, but I do think that Taken, I think part of the reason it was successful is because it, like a lot of very successful American enterprises, i.e. Law and Order SVU, contains just this giant Ghost ex-Puritan part of the American subconscious.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where your mom, your dad, anyone in middle America is like, yep, I want to see that. That seems like it contains a lot of weird sexual violence. Why are we like that? But they seem to do very well. I don't know because also, I mean, SVU, I think as a woman, there's a really, there's like a great,

it's wonderful to watch that show as a woman because there's always a payoff. Like the bad guy always gets caught. They only show you one victim at a time. It's like, here's her terrible story and everything bad that happened to her. Number one, the cops are friendly. Number two, one of them's a lady as well. She's been there. She gets it. And then they're like sitting together just like, we'll get through this together.

They're always holding hands. Like she's holding hands with the police officers and they make it through the whole process. And I felt like when people were talking about Taken, it was, I don't know. I really feel like it was also the opposite of the Avengers, which is all about like the fluffiest, like, aliens are wackadoodle. They've got a magic cube that does something. I don't know. Who cares? End of the world, end of the shmurled. You know, like this does something. I don't know. Who cares? End of the world, end of the shmurled.

You know, like this very funny, I don't know. I kind of. That is the most low stakes, high stakes movie ever. Lowest. I mean, the end is like jokes and pizza or whatever they do at the end there. The aliens damaged a diner. I'll just say, so we're not barraged with emails. We know they were getting a shwerma.

Yes, they're getting a shwerma. Shut the fuck up. Anyways, right. I know exactly what you mean. Well, I think what Taken is, and it's amazing. It's like I think that SVU is like a horror movie for your mom. Sure. Like your mom would never go see a paranormal activity or a what have you.

But all those mom fears are contained within an episode of SVU. It's like she went to college and then the first time she put a rave drug in her mouth, she was immediately, you know, it's just totally. And taken is that for your dad. It's like, you know, my bitch ex-wife lied to me, but she was really going to see you too. Pick a cooler band, by the way. Yes.

And then and as soon as she got off the plane, immediately sold into sex slavery. Like, that's your dad's horror movie. Actually, given how old that actress actually is, she probably would be in D2. That is absolutely true. God, did you see Taken 2, by the way? She's basically 40 now. And like, Dad, where's my mom? Dad, I saw Rattle and Hum in theaters.

I was so upset also at the slap in the face to Famke Jensen. Yes. Jensen. Jensen? Jensen? Schwerma. Famke Schwerma. Yeah.

Which is her business that she opened. Right. Famke Jensen's Famke Schwerma. The phoenix is reduced to like a terrible ex-wife that doesn't get to do anything cool. And yeah, she married that like emasculated little wiener who's like, maybe we can get her back with our accounting. Lucy's like, fuck that. I'm going to punch all the throats. Terrible stuff.

Right, exactly. If I can find some discrepancy in these papers that the sexual terrorists have filed, Then we can have the UN declare sanctions on them. We'll never get anywhere by punching throats. I'm going to get on my laptop. Yeah, it's just everyone's the weirdest stock character. I can get their Wi-Fi canceled. Oh, exactly. No, you're right to draw that.

Because, well, yeah, exactly. But also the thing I love about Law & Order is it's very clearly written by some very well-intentioned, probably liberal, like, 55-year-old dudes. Yeah. You know what I mean? So even though there is a certain amount of like, hey, rape is real and sexual assault is a thing and whatever, there's also like, yeah, but your daughter shouldn't, like you were saying, like, shouldn't be going to a rave necessarily. Right. It's like, right.

She went to that pot party. You mean she made friends at college? She deserved right yeah she did something so there is a weird kind of like and there is always that weird like dialectic that's going on in between the characters yeah of law and order that you can also imagine going on in the writer's room itself where it's like i don't know computers should be banned they're basically rape tubes well you know what's so funny about that is as a woman i have a completely different really so funny about that is as a woman, I have a completely different read on it. Really? Please. Which is that like, as a woman, I think constantly your entire life, you're just like, well, there's a possibility this could end terribly. Right.

So that's just a move, or that's a show that's just about all of the thoughts that you have every day. Just like, I'm going to go get a donut in here, but anything could happen. You never know. Yeah. And that's what the show is. It's like- Fair enough.

Just so you know, being a woman, just watch Law & Order SVU. That's what it feels like. It feels like you're constantly like, I feel like a child that's being assaulted by a clown. It's a safe 40-minute space for you to just purge those anxieties. Yeah, it is. I think so. And also, hey, welcome. Come on, take a visit.

All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. Sit your little buns down. Sit your little asses that go pow right down. Right. And take a little gander through the old horror, the house of horrors that is being a woman. Yeah.

Just walking anywhere. The anxiety parade of potential violence. So what you're saying is that, like, being a woman is like being inside the Insane Clown Posse's dark carnival. Yeah. It's like, it's constantly just like, I know that my door is locked, but what if they came in through the skylight? Right.

You know, that's exactly what it's like. Which they mostly do on that show. They often come in through the skylight. So it's just a big anti-skylight screen is what it is. What if I don't think I have a skylight, but they've installed like a phantom skylight that just looks like another ceiling panel? Maybe you're a crooked landlord just painted over the skylight. Wow, now you guys are thinking like women.

I like this. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I just menstruated. We'll be right back in a bit on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, The black smoke has been seen over the Vatican. And it turned into a fucking disco ball. D.C. Pearson emerges. It's really ironic that the pope of getting down has to be celibate, I think. Yeah, but he is celibate so that everyone else can, you know what I mean?

So as Christ suffered for our sins oh like a DJ you mean like he's not dancing he's playing the albums he's the DJ the DJ of celibacy if God is a DJ as songs have told me that he is

Madonna song God is a DJ I think it's a pink song oh life is a Highway. You're thinking of Every Rose Has Its Thorns. Every Rose Kisses Sting. On the weird spot on his face. Yeah, that's right.

You like how I call that a weird spot? DC Pearson, of course the author of the new young adult book Crap Kingdom. Cameron Esposito, of course, may or may not be the host of a podcast on the MaxFun Network sometime in the future or past or never. There's no way to tell. How's that for KG? There is somewhere in the multiverse a universe in which she is. Right. There is one where she was but isn't anymore.

There's one where she's going to be. Right. And who's to say which universe this is? And which one do we live in? Exactly. Right. There is one where she was, but isn't anymore. There's one where she's going to be. And who's to say which universe this is? And which one do we live in? Exactly. Wow. This is an Earth 2 situation. I was going to say, this is a great episode of Sliders. You mean an episode of Sliders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jordan, beat me to it.

But, you know, we were... Old six-gun Morris, quick on the draw. Fastest sliders—fastest sliders praiser in the West. Right. My big—the big dilemma for me will be when I have to actually take down Jerry O'Connell. Oh, wow. Yeah.

May I add this as a—I was watching the—my girlfriend, my beautiful girlfriend, Rhea Butcher, who's also—you guys know that lady. She recommended that I rewatch the debut episode of Sliders just because it's a really great moment. He goes to a different world and to prove that he's in a different world, everything is just backwards. It's not like a super alternate universe where it's just like he has a podcast in one and then another one he doesn't. It's like all the stuff is like John F. Kennedy is still alive and red lights mean green lights. Everything is just 100 percent flipped. So the logic that leads a red light to a green light also leads to Lee Harvey Oswald's assassination failing. Elvis is still alive.

Right. And his mom is knocked up. Those are like the ways of proving it's all just... Weird. So wait, but then that would mean that everyone that was alive in Jerry O'Connell's world is dead. If all the dead people are alive. That's a really good point that the episode, I'll be honest, didn't cover. Wow.

Yeah, so the world is JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Martin Luther King. I demand that the creator of Sliders do a Reddit ask me anything so that I can jocuse. Get to the bottom of that. How far does this go? I feel like I regard Reddit as one of those things that I just missed. Like I feel like I have a lot of conversations with like 27 year olds. I'm 30. And it's like there's these things that just were cut off

at that point and Reddit is one of them and Pokemon is one of them. I worked with although I'll say this because I feel similarly. Oh I don't want to talk to nerds by the way. Sorry go ahead. I should qualify. I feel similarly about Reddit in that i feel like i

just missed it and it's one thing that if you are into reddit reddit is like there being running water or shelter it's just like yeah running water shelter reddit right right but i had i worked for a guy uh like a year ago on a writing job who was an older gent he's probably in his 40s and he was really into reddit but it was in a way that it was his own personal way to be uh harvey dangerfield in rodney dangerfield in back to school yeah you know what i mean it was like very he was just like hey reddit they got a bunch of like boobs on there and stuff it's great and then they just got weird like messed up pictures it's sweet he was like living his own personal kind of like that was his little right getaway into the

world of being like a frat boy. I think that Reddit, what's funny about it is that when we – I think we're all kind of a similar age. And I feel like websites started to get really user-friendly, the ones that we use the most. Like Twitter has four buttons. And Facebook is all pictures. Like it's – I know where to go. There's a tiny emoji. There's a little emoji that says my name.

The Huffington Post, a great example. It has boiled down the news to like, Obama orders robots to kill. Absolutely. Here's some nip slips. Like, Hillary Duff said what? But, DC, that's a question. It would have to be

Hillary Duff orders drone strikes. No, I feel like the Huffington Post has a great deal. No, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. Especially in the political stuff. I only really looked at it during the election because the election for me was like if you have something stressful in your life going on, you're like, okay, I can have this ice cream sundae. That was like the election for me. I can read the Huffington Post.

There's an election going on. It's like news junk food. Yeah, you're also talking about their click-through bait. Which is like, they are great at that. Yeah, like, check out these 17 things that Mitt Romney said that will change your mind about the election. And it's just one sentence that's 17 words long. It's like, I am running for whatever. For president?

President. Yeah, exactly. Well, that was terrible. Nip slip gallery. But anyway, Reddit seems like I can't even get into that beast because it's a very old model of website. I cannot actually figure out how to navigate it. How weird does that? I think it's very specific to our age. Yeah.

It was like people that are older than us know how to navigate geo sites. And people that are younger than us, maybe they're designing their own websites. But now I feel like I fall exactly in the category where I have no idea what – there are a lot of message boards I don't know my way around. Totally. I'll be honest with you. Yeah, sure. And that's definitely where I feel like internet grandpa. And that's what keeps me talking about like Honda Civics.

Yeah. Isn't that – don't you guys feel like when you do – like I feel like 40 percent of Google searches that I do, I somehow end up getting the answer from a like Honda Civic devotee like message board. You know what I mean? What? I don't know. I feel like I end up on like a Honda enthusiast. Maybe I have my own particular Google. What questions are you asking?

So you're asking like a lot of Honda Civic questions? No. It'll be like, hey, who wrote John Carter of Mars, the original novel? Sure. And then it'll just be on some sideboard. Granted, they're not talking about spoilers for their Honda Civics, but it's on a Honda Civic. Somebody's like, I just bought a new Honda Civic.

There's a John Carter novel in the site written by yeah so yeah i mean i guess i guess every every forum does have a miscellaneous section or an other section so i guess what you're i mean maybe that even makes sense because a honda civic is such a ubiquitous car it is it is the you know most purchased car or something gladwell's next book reveals that the most interested, knowledgeable people about every topic secretly also drive Honda Civics. Are you talking about the Civics point? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. If you drive your Civic for 10,000 miles, then you will automatically know about everything.

The Honda Civic message board miscellaneous section is maybe the most diverse place in the world. I think so. Maybe that is the greatest. It's like a story of queens. It's got the most races and ethnicities and people from all walks of life. Honda Message Board, such cute little bodegas. It's the American dream. Such cute little bodegas.

They have a steam tray filled with tamales. It's great. They're really good, actually. I know it seems like they've been sitting out all day, but you have to try them.. It's great. They're really good, actually. I know it seems like they've been sitting out all day, but you have to try them. They are so good. They're really good. And the little old lady who owns it is so cute. Sorry.

I was just being a guy from Queens. Hey, would you buy mango from the side of the street? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I sometimes purchase those fruta fresca tubes. Because that happened on the way here, and I just wanted to just get an opinion on that. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. I think you're good. I think that's probably a pretty good mango. Yeah, I thought about it. I mean, he was wearing a full suit. Wow. So I thought to myself, that guy's got to be a salesman. He's not just peddling mangoes.

He's the Willie Loman of attention must be paid. He's the Jack Lemmon from Glen Gary Glen Ross. You got to buy these mangoes, kid. These are the best. He's the Jack Lemmon from Glen Gary Glen Ross. He got it by these mangoes, kid. These are the best. That was also a weird bye-bye birdie voice I was doing, by the way.

Not a, hi, Helen. Hi, mangoes. Now, it didn't come with the chili powder pre-sprinkled on it, right? That is jam. No, it didn't. But he had sort of constructed like a hanger, like almost like a pants hanger with two little clips. And then there were two bags of like long bags of mangoes and he was just holding it up by the middle part.

Anyway, I just thought that was what great, first of all, ingenious packaging. Can I just say a long bag of mangoes is either the most pleasant or least pleasant combination of words I've ever heard. I can't decide. I think it depends on my mood. Right. Right. Yeah, but if you imagine it, it's even more disgusting than just the way if you say it. Like if you imagine a long bag of mangoes.

Or something being compared to a long – it's just like she was like a long bag of mangoes. What if you put it in a Speedo or like a swim cap? Think about that. Just putting a bag inside of like a kind of a latex seat. Oh. That's unpleasant. There's a lot going on. Yeah, that's really unpleasant.

It would heat up real fast. And I always say, what's better than a hot car mango that you got on the side of the road? You know? Nothing. Nothing on a hot day. To double back a bit into the world of celebrities that you can get just by picking up the phone, I saw a billboard on the way over here that kind of blew my mind a little bit. It was for a cop show on TNT.

Southland? I can't remember the name. It might have been. It's for a cop show on TNT. I'm not the audience. That's not my world. I have never watched. I couldn't tell you the difference between Rizzoli and Isles, to tell you the truth.

I think that's the whole premise is that there is one. Oh, right. Is that they're very different. One, Rizzoli and Isles, to tell you the truth. I think that's the whole premise, is that there is one. Oh, right. Is that they're very different. One's Rizzoli. And one's Isles. Right. And one's always farting. Yeah, it's an Italian person and then somebody else that's not Italian, I think, is the main

point. Someone that comes from several islands has Isles. Yeah, exactly. There's Rizzoli and someone who has never had a cannoli. Yeah, exactly. That's like half of their stuff. It's actually my dad wrote that show because he's like a pretty hardcore, you know, Italian guy. So it's mostly him writing about how he'll never go to a sushi restaurant because they don't have good meatballs.

Karen, did you get tired when you were growing up of watching cop shows and thinking maybe you were related to the villain? You know, what is so amazing is everybody in my entire family has gold chains, except for my immediate family, because my dad is adopted, so I look like this. But everybody else in my family are named Frankie and Flory, and then also Frankie and Flory. They name their kids

after them. And then Lil Frankie. Big Frankie. Carla. Carl. Carl's Carl. And then Carla's Carl. So, Carl. And then Carla's Carl. So yes is my point. Lots of chest hair. Tons of V-necks. And then I look like this. So I just get to

roll through the world just thinking like oh I know so much. I've seen so many Italian horns. Do people tell you that you're getting too skinny? And that you need to eat something? Yeah. People say, eat something.

People say, let me come over to your house and make you sausage and peppers. That's what my dad would like to say. Wow. Okay. When you're in college, sometimes he just shows up, makes your entire friendship group sausage and peppers. That's great. Which is great, but also hard to explain at the time.

What is the most stereotypically Italian thing you've heard in earnest? You can think about that. Okay, I will. Let me move on to this billboard, and then I'll come back to you for harsh Italian stereotypes. So this billboard is from a generic TNT cop show. The tag, or what was beneath the title to get you to watch was produced by Donnie Wahlberg. Oh, I've seen the promos for this. It's like a Boston one, right?

Okay. I think because it's like Boston's finest, I think. Now, Donnie Wahlberg is a former New Kid on the Block? Yes. Correct me. Correct. Oh, yeah. Why is that a selling point for a cop show if a former New Kid on the Block?

He had that great role in whatever the fuck that movie is where he sees dead people. The Sixth Sense. Who was he in that? He's like the guy with the gun. He's kind of the inciting incident. He's got undies on. Oh, he- Really?

That was Donnie Wahlberg? Yes. Wow. That's like his big comeback. That is a good part. Yeah. Guys, you know what I often think of myself- He transformed for that.

Yes. Related to Donnie Wahlberg and how Donnie Wahlberg is less than Mark Wahlberg. You know what I mean? He just is. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I can see that math problem on an algebra test. The alligator's mouth is eating Mark Wahlberg. It does not want to eat Donnie Wahlberg.

Is that, you know, when I'm feeling down about myself and my place in the world, I think, you know, there was a time, probably a long time, where Mark Wahlberg was jealous of Donnie Wahlberg. Oh, yeah. And then I think, you know, all will be. Oh, never be as great as Donnie. Exactly. And it probably seemed insurmountable to him, the idea that he would ever be half as good as Donnie Wahlberg. And in general, congratulations to that guy for just proving us all wrong. Like, he's going to start with underwear, then critical acclaim.

You know, just from undies to acclaim. I think he left out the funky bunch. His brother, acclaim to undies. Yeah. Mark was even allied with a funky bunch at one point. Yeah, he was. Also, he, I mean, he's modeled a prosthetic penis. Like, he's had a career.

Sure. Wahlberg's, you know, Wahlberg's done it all, basically. And that's how he got that job on Boogie Nights, is he was modeling prosthetic penises at a trade show, which Paul Thomas Anderson happened to be at. Honestly, it looks pretty real. Get him in here. He's already wearing it.

Can you keep this on for another eight weeks? They shot that scene at the trade show. Right. Wow. It gives me an idea for a whole movie. I was just shooting a screensaver. This funky young man who I recognize from Fear. I bet that Donnie Wahlberg went with Mark Wahlberg to the premiere of Fear and probably had this attitude of like, you know what?

Good for him. Good for little bro makes good. Or big bro. I don't know their age. I think Donnie's older. Yeah. Mark's definitely the baby. Yeah.

And then now he probably shows up to the premiere of these Oscar bait movies with a very different attitude. I'm guessing that Donnie Wahlberg is a shitty cynical guy. Oh, you think he was like condescending initially? Like, hey, man, this is pretty good for you. It's a good look for you. This is a great teen thriller. I mean, you finger bang that girl on the roller coaster. You know, it's

a lot of fun. You look like you're having fun up there. If you don't want to be a dick, never give the compliment. That's good for you. Right. And now you think he just watches all of Mark's movies through a window in a wall that he's constructed of only New Kids in the block

style action figures just all his model and then three taken out in the middle to form a perfect window he watches a tv through there just to remind himself i do there was a time now i do think that i didn't before now i do i thought maybe it was going to be all tvs that are all playing different mark walbert movies that's how he's plotting his revenge. He's looking for patterns. Oh, yeah. And things, weaknesses he can exploit. I bet the happening drives him nuts then. It's like, this is the one.

It's here. I know it's here. But so why does, when you're looking around the schedule, when you're poking through the listings on your DVR and you're wondering what cop show to watch, why do you give one a chance because it was produced by Donnie Wahlberg? I'm not saying that Donnie Wahlberg shouldn't produce a cop show. I'm about to coin a word. Please. Bostonicity. I was just – not that word.

Not at all. But I was just going to say it's Boston Brothers. That's what's happening. It's Boston Brothers. That's what's happening. The Afflecks and the Wahlbergs are like toe-to-toe in a stare down over just like, no, you don't understand what it's like to be from Southie. No, you don't understand what it's like. And I think the Wahlberg brothers have seen an opening because Affleck's last movie took

place in Iran. Oh, yeah. There was no Boston connection to that. Right. Oh, yeah. So now they're like, who's going to make the Boston shit? We can flood the zone. Affleck's over it.

He's making these big political thrillers. Yeah. Who will make movies about guys who pock the car? Yeah. Yeah. They're going to align with the car talk, guys. And I would also add that there's very little difference between a Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon. I mean, on paper or visually.

Sure, yeah. I mean, if you squint. They're more similar than they are different. Same guy. So you think that it's when people are saying, okay, here's a cop show set in Boston. OK, here's a here's a cop show set in Boston. I don't want this to be some fair weather, some Hollywood Jew writing a show about what he thinks it's like to be from Boston. I want this to have an authentic voice. I want this to have the right stuff is what this guy is saying to himself while he's considering whether or not to DVR the show.

And not the astronaut right stuff. No. Considering whether or not to DVR this show. And not the astronaut rights stuff. No. Is there another person or sibling group that is as affiliated with a city as those people are with Boston? No. I think it's very funny that there's a competition between two siblings. The Belushi is in Chicago?

I guess so. Yeah, maybe. Maybe 20 years ago, 30 years ago. That's funny because there's currently a Belushi that's running like an off gym. Okay. Moved partially back to Chicago and he runs like a comedy club. Yeah. Like that does stand up.

Right. And it's all local stand ups and it used to run for a long time. It has been running for a couple of years. Then he bought in this year, made a majority of the ownership. So this is what's amazing about this is because for years it's been running like local showcases. Like I would perform there. Now sometimes it's like people – You moved to LA from Boston very – or Chicago very recently.

OK. Right. So it would be like local comics have been doing it for two, three years or something like that and then just two or three times a month it's just Jim Belushi. What's Jim Belushi's stand-up like? First of all, I don't think he does stand-up. Okay. Yeah, and second of all, that's their current schedule is just like undamed person that runs a great local room,

this other guy that had a write-up in Time Out Chicago, Jim Belushi. Then after that, it'll be like – I just – I love the – Well, I think he thinks he's keeping the lights on. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's like, I got to come in and help these guys out. I mean, I think. I've never heard of these kids before.

Who are these? Who's this? Who's this girl with the, with the haircut? She couldn't even afford an entire haircut. I got to get in there. She's no long haired. Wait. She is.

The cap came off. I got to get in there. Bring some of my according to Jim clout. Right. And, and stories. Uh huh. my according to Jim clout. Right. And stories. Uh-huh. My according to Jim anecdotes. Yeah.

Well, maybe it is more of a This American Life kind of storytelling thing of just what it's like being on set at according to Jim. I think it's awesome. And I also hope. Act one. Craft services were great. Right. Act two. The read-throughs were fun.

That's the This American Life about According to Jim. Right. Act three. And then the rap party. And then like a slow music fade in. Yeah, exactly. And then like the sound of children playing to begin a story to give it like an authenticity. I'm sitting in, you know, that's an interesting NPR aesthetic, I find.

The sound of like children playing or fishermen throwing around fish or whatever, and then the person being like, I found myself at a... Right, yeah, that street noise is so coveted. If you can hear the hustle and bustle of the barrio behind whatever they're doing, it's automatically that much more authentic.

And then some actual recorded dialogue on that location from a very well-meaning graduate student you can tell is wearing a Patagonia jacket. But God bless those interns who have to spend their entire internship just standing on a street corner vaguely filming sounds. I guess it's a bus or something. Getting background noise. If you see someone taking a picture, you're like, oh, yeah, they're taking pictures. Everyone takes pictures of everything all the time.

It's 2013. If you see someone with just a microphone pointing it at a fire hydrant. Yeah, you call the police. You really do. You call the – because that's the world's biggest weirdo. You know, it is funny. Yeah, maybe NPR at this point has like a sound bank of background noises. Maybe they do have barrio.

They have a place where fish are being unloaded from a boat to a truck. All right, I want you to take up the Barrio and then down the Seattle fish market and just kind of mix those together. And it'll be like a Mexican fish market. Right. So you're saying the Skrillex of NPR comes in and just kind of mixes and then drops the Barrio on people and people just go nuts. Yeah, when that Barrio background drops, tote bags in the air. People just – tote bags sailing across the venue like graduation caps. A public radio tiesto.

National public tiesto. National public tiesto. Yeah, and then everybody – and then some people are ODing on kombucha while they're watching this, listening to this. Too many active cultures. Cameron, have you figured out what the most stereotypically Italian thing you've ever heard? Well, okay. My initial answer – Sausage and peppers is pretty good.

My initial answer – you can tell me what you think. My initial answer, I'm sticking with it, is that my dad thought that gu up the stairs was an Italian word when he was a child that meant go upstairs. But that's just actually how his grandmother talked. My dad also thinks he speaks Italian because of this. Because of these kind of weird pigeon English. These accented words. Yes. So when I went to Italy with my family, we drove to where my mom's family is from.

When I went to Italy with my family, we drove to where my mom's family is from, and he just was rolling down the window and yelling out my mom's maiden, like her family's maiden name, at, like, farmers that were just going like, wait, what now? Because he was just rolling down the window yelling. Do you mind? I'm trying to protect Michael Corleone over here. With my goats and my shotgun. But in his mind, somebody was going to be so excited, like, wait, you're yelling a last name. That's not like he thought we were going to have this big. Right. You know, but.

Because, I mean, you just wander aimlessly hoping someone will just yell Esposito. And then I'm like, here I am. And me. And cut to them pouring a jug of wine down my throat. We'll be back in a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Cameron Esposito.

I'm still working on my title. Yeah, work on it. DC Pearson, Pope of Getting Down. DC Pearson's got it locked in. Shit! Come on. Step up your game. Professional lesbian.

I'm not, though. I'm so much more than that. You did bring a briefcase. Hippest girl in the room. I did bring a briefcase. You did bring a briefcase filled with Ani DiFranco CDs. So, you're the most professional lesbian.

Ladies, ladies. Settle down. I do start all sexual acts with a brief PowerPoint. Just to go through what's going to come up. Some really interesting transitions. Sure. A lot of fun clip art. Yeah, sometimes a tinkerbell will fly in

and then she goes bing with, you know, with her wand. Ooh, that's cool. And then. You know, those PowerPoints can be, those pre-sex PowerPoints can be so dull. It's nice that you take the time to add. You've got to add a little pizzazz, some sound effects. A little quick time. You hit click and then a little video plays.

Right, right. Of us having sex. They're like, how did you, we haven't even. And I'm like, no, no, it's this whole. I'm a looper. Yeah. FYI. by the way. No messages on the Jumbotron this week.

If you would like your message on the Jordan-Jessie Go Jumbotron, very affordable. If you are a business who would like to have your message shared on Jordan-Jessie Go, also very affordable. Why don't you go over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and get that information. And, hey, while you're surfing the net, why not head over to BoatParty.biz, the home of the Atlantic Ocean Music and Comedy Festival, a comedy and music cruise presented by MaximumFun.org. You got Marc Maron. You got Maria Banford.

Dan Deacon. Amy Mann. Tons and tons of cool stuff on an ocean liner out in the middle of the ocean. Boatparty.biz. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- And what makes it even better is that it's now part of the incredible Maximum Fun Network, which is great for me. They sent me a t-shirt, and so far the sex has been incredible. Anyway, you can listen to it on iTunes or by going to MaximumFun.org, the popular website on the internet. Dave Hill's podcasting incident.

It's pretty much just like me making out with your ears or something. Okay, thanks. Bye. It's Jordan, Okay, thanks. Bye. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Cameron Esposito, professional lesbian. I like it.

I'm going to stick with it for now. Stick with it. Say it with confidence. Yes. D.C. Pearson, professional lesbian. You need to say it

with all the confidence that D.C DC says it with that was very Jordan you're not supposed to favor your children that's true you're not supposed to compare them

I'm just trying to light a fire under her ass you know yeah I mean listen I want my ass to go pow as much as the rest of us I just don't know

how to you know lady comic what do I say about myself interesting hip lady with boots what can I say?

There's so many options. That's true. And you say boy detective, but I don't know how many crimes you've solved. None. And I don't expect you to prove it, but at the same time, I am not a liar. I've been indicted. Yeah. Well, I think that's –

I think that's – On all counts. Now that my credibility is being called into question, it's as good a time as any to listen to some phone calls from our listeners. Brian, why don't you boot it up? Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Molly. I'm in Boston. I have a momentous occasion.

I'm watching the installers at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston install two of my paintings. And it's pretty cool. and I'm really excited. All right, thank you. Bye. Very exciting. Yeah. I don't think, yeah, and they're pocking those paintings in the museum. I've been to that. It's like my Boston voice.

I've been to that museum. Oh, yeah? So, awesome. Congratulations. Beautiful. That's like the place. That's the place in Boston. That is it. That's like the place. That's it. That's the place in Boston.

Yep. That is it. She's doing it. That is to Boston what the Jim Belushi's Comedy Club is to the comedy scene in Chicago. As much of an honor as it is for you to have a painting hung in Jim Belushi's Comedy Club. Personal museum comedy club. Yeah. He has great taste in art, right?

Rothko. Belushi. Yeah. A lot of Rothkos. And several pictures of himself, I think, mostly. Right. Just an Andy Warhol-style painting of Jim Belushi. Like a weird tank with a Damien Hirst, just Jim Belushi in it.

Oh, when you said tank, I imagine that you meant a Jim Belushi screen-printed tank top. And to me, that is art. No, I meant a No Limit Records style, like golden tank. I totally get what you're saying, too. I'm just saying, is one of these better than the other? Because I don't know. I feel like they're neck and neck. No, they're all God's children.

Something, I guess, if I had paintings hanging in a prominent museum of modern art, I think on a lazy day, I would be really tempted to just go in there and hang out by them and see what people were saying. Because, I mean, you know, probably your picture isn't next to them. You could just hang out and listen to people react to the work. Yeah. I feel like your picture would be your headshot. Yeah, right. Oh, man. I hope that listeners of your picture would be your headshot. Yeah, right. Oh, man. I hope that listeners actually know what I'm talking about.

I can't remember if this is like a radio lab or where I heard this. Do you guys know who Cindy Sherman is? Sounds familiar. Yeah. So she's a photographer and she takes all these pictures of herself, but she's always looking different. And there was a gal that was going to her exhibit and standing there and telling people like, hi, nice to meet you.

I'm Cindy Sherman. Whoa. Because nobody really knows what she looks like. But then it actually wasn't Cindy Sherman because they tracked her down and she wasn't there. She just didn't know that this gal was going around and saying that she was. And there was a phone call with Cindy Sherman who was like, hey, actually, I didn't set that up.

Yeah. But I think that's a great idea. And if anybody else wants to do that, continue to do it. I'm not against it at all. It seems like this woman who did this had a long game in mind. And that long game is, I want Errol Morris to make a movie about me. Like, what can I do to ensure that Errol Morris will someday make a movie about me? I felt like that way about the Manny Teo stuff.

I'm like, this is just, this is a college football player with a dream of having an Errol Morris movie made about him. So he did the weirdest thing in the world. How has Errol Morris not made a movie about the guy that was pretending to be Terry Jacks, singer of Seasons in the Sun in the 70s? Yeah. In a sort of pre-music video era, there was apparently a dude that was just going around when Seasons in the Sun was a really big song, like a big one-hit wonder.

He was like, yeah, I'm Terry Jackson. I'll play at your bar. Give me a lot of money. Play Seasons in the Sun. And people were like, yep, that checks out. Wait, but then would he play it?

Yeah, I think so. And it was fine? Or people were like... People were down. That's hilarious. Yeah. So what I'm saying is any one of us can claim

to be Terry Jackson. He's like Creative Commons. Right. I've actually, I've been touring as to be Terry Jackson. He's like Creative Commons. Right. I've been touring as DC Pearson for years. It's going well, right? Because it's like a neutral gender name. Yeah, exactly. There's like six people in every town that are like, yes.

Right. So you, I mean, maybe you can like franchise out yourself, you know, because you can't be everywhere worth. I do. That's actually a really great idea because I do frequently get people on Twitter that are like, hey, my friends say that I look like you. And more often than not, I would say one out of two I click on it.

I'm like, yeah, I see it. You know what else is a great idea? Send some of those other people to be in competing car insurance commercials. Oh! Because you can't compete

with yourself. That's true. Yeah, maybe set these guys up with some auditions for Progressive. DC, you have a very popular car commercial. All-state commercial. All-state commercial.

All-state commercial running. But it's funny because- I say popular like commercials get ratings. Yeah. It's that one. But it's not a lot. It's not a lot. It is not a lot.

I see it a bunch. People recognize me from it pretty frequently, but it's an interesting commentary on the effectiveness of marketing because almost every one of them says a different car insurance company. There's some people like, oh, Allstate, but other people like State Farm, Farmers. Also, a lot of them have farm or state in them. So I understand why they would be confused. Progressive, Geico, and then other ones that I've just never heard of. Hey, Danny's Car Insurance.

My Uncle Danny's Car Insurance Company. Does your Uncle Danny have commercials? No, but I love that. That's a great idea. We should start a boutique car insurance company. Oh, yeah. Like a white label. Oh, wow.

Like a micro-brewed, locally grown car insurance. That is a great idea. It's like, we'll paper your car door over in, like, paper mache. It's broken. Did you guys have, like, a local car insurance company that was really shitty where you grew up? your car door over in like paper mache it gets broken in old cool newspapers did you guys have like a like a local

car insurance company that was really shitty where you grew up was that a thing at all I think everywhere does because in Chicago there was one that was called like Eagle Man

car insurance Eagle Man named after a local urban legend but all of their he would used to swoop down and steal the sheep you guys are acting

as if that would be ridiculous but that was all of their commercials was like a guy in a mascot costume of an eagle who was who like somebody would get in a car accident and then there would be a thunk on the roof. And then they would be like, wait a minute, is that Eagle Man? And then they'd go outside. There would be a mascot laying a golden egg of savings on their car right after. And that was and there were many of these commercials. I like to imagine that that is like a weird rite of passage for performers that come from Chicago.

It's like, yeah, Hannibal Buress was in an Eagle Man commercial, Tina Fey, Cameron Sposito. Jim Belushi, the first Eagle Man. Jim Belushi, Gianni. Tons of different Eagle Men. It's like we just see a YouTube, like just young Chicago-based comedians getting a golden egg landed on top of their car.

Yeah, that's when you know it's time to maybe move out to L.A. It's like, well, I've been Eagle Man. I.O. Mainstage, Jim Belushi's Comedy Club, Eagle Man. Eagle Man. L.A. I've done it all. That is, that's delightful. I also like that they call it, it's almost like they called it what

everyone was going to end up calling it anyway. You know what I mean? Like, if they just had a thing that's like, the Eagle car insurance company or whatever. It's like American, not American Eagle, that's a clothing label. But like, everyone, if they had an Eagle Man in their commercials, was going to end up calling it like, ah, it's a fucking Eagle Man car insurance. You know, and that also might not be what it's called, but that's what I'm calling it. Like, it might be Eagle Carnage, but if it is, fuck them. Seriously, they should have named it Eagle Man.

And it might still be. We'll have to look it up. On the subject of insurance mascots, I had a small victory maybe a year back. I've brought this up, but I mean, I think like a lot of guys have a little bit of a crush on... Oh, I thought you were just going to say, I think like a lot of guys. I think like a lot of guys. And then sell us on you being the new editor in chief of Maxim.com. Right. I love hot wings,

gear, gadgets, taking it up the butt. Gear! Oh, gear. What was that last one? Go fuck yourself. Gear. Oh, a lot of guys do like that, though. Sure, that's true. By gear, you mean the implements that you use to do heroin, right? Right. Yeah, I love belts, spoons.

You were saying. I'm sorry. I have a little bit of a crush on Flo, the progressive girl. I feel like, you know. Progressive is right in her name. Right, exactly. And I should hope that our politics would match up. And, you know, I feel like I got it early on.

And now she's, you know, the commercials are a little annoying and she's kind of all over the place. But I still have a little place in my heart for Flo, the progressive girl. I'm more of an Aaron e-surance man myself. Cameron, you're fond of the General. See, I feel like the General is America's crappy local car insurance. Right. That's just the generic evil man. Is this for mattresses or car insurance?

I think it might be both. But what do you think about the fact that she's like a serious actor? I mean, I don't know this about her. I know this about the Verizon guy. He was a serious actor, then he got bought out for that contract, and then that's just what he did for a long time. Couldn't even do plays. I bet it would be distracting if you're watching Uncle Vanya. Yeah.

Exactly. He takes off his glasses to do the play but then he can't see so he has to eventually put them back on. And everyone's just like, oh, that guy. You know. Can you hear me now, Korolev? Whatever. I don't know who's in it. That was the first Russian name I could think of.

It was great. I don't know the characters in The Cherry Orchard. Or Uncle Vanya. I guess Vanya. Yeah, that's fine. He who's in it. That was the first Russian name I could think of. It was great. I don't know the characters in The Cherry Orchard. Or Uncle Vanya. I guess Vanya. Yeah, that's fine. He's probably in it. Yeah. But that's like her job.

Totally. Yeah, yeah. And I was in a – I took a pilot writing class and the teacher was kind of talking about, you know, her time in comedy and stuff like that. And she's like, and, you know, I used to do shows with Flo the Progressive Girl. And my instinct was to blurt out, do you know her and is she single? Which was not my proudest moment. Can I ask? There was no hand raising, right?

No, I just yelled it out. It was just an immediate reaction. Yeah, right. Oh, you did say it. I just yelled it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just yelled it out. And she said, well, she's married.

And then she kind of gave me- Was she patting your knee as she said this? Well, no. She's like, she's married. And she paused. But she will take on some risk. Am I right? Am I right?

She will. She will. She'll raw dock it with you. She kind of gave me the once over. And she's like, you know, but I think she would have liked you. And you know what? Could have been lip service, could have been bullshit, but you know what? Every time that

dating gets a little bit hard, I like to think about that moment and that maybe, you know, in another life, on an Earth 2, where Cameron Esposito does not have a podcast, where John F. Kennedy survived, me and Cameron, you should have a podcast. That's right. Where John F. Kennedy survived. Me and... Cameron, you should get a podcast.

You should podcast. Just like anyone else, my JFK is actually Mayor Quimby. Yeah, the original... The original Boston family. Wow, we have so many themes. You know what I mean? Guys. Weaving it all together.

Yeah. This is what we call the prestige. Promise the turn. You know, there's a lot of gals that I'm sure would put on that look for you. Yeah. I think there's a lot of gals that already have. Yeah, but that's like a pretty attainable. I mean, let's say you found some gal you really liked her personality.

It's just a bottle of red hair dye, a bump it, put a little headband on in front of that, red lips. And I think she's probably wearing some fake eyelashes. There's probably a pretty healthy flow from progressive cosplay scene. Oh, maybe this year at Comic-Con. Actually, well, I have a plus one to Insurance Con. Insurance Mascot Con? Yeah, I'm on a panel with the money with eyeballs on it. And the seventh caveman, they're like Doctor Who.

Yeah, sure. And then people talk about their seventh caveman? They're like Doctor Who. Yeah, sure. They replaced them. And then people talk about their favorite caveman and then make fun of people who like the caveman before or after. So yeah, you can come check that out. She's probably graduated out of that scene, but I'm still – Actually, how come you're not on the insurance spokesperson panel at South By this year? Isn't that like a little bit – Yeah. It feels like a real right of passage. I mean not to – yeah, not to like – we're not on the insurance spokesperson panel at South By this year? Isn't that like a little bit – it feels like a real right of passage. I mean not to – yeah, not to like – we're not –

You're saying that is to being an insurance spokesman what the Eagle Man – being the Eagle Man is to being a Chicago comedy. Yeah. I mean it's just – it just feels like South By is where you get just like new breaking stuff. So it just makes me wonder if maybe you're stale or something. I'm a little mad at. Wow. Yeah. I'm sorry to bring that up.

I just want you to talk to your management about it because it feels like you should be on that panel. Kind of a missed opportunity. I feel like, yeah, it's like I know there's a line between being like assertive and active and then other. It's like I'm just missing out on things. I also don't know if that would be comedy, music or interactive, but there's got to be. I think all three. Yeah. There's got to be.

Yeah. At least. Because of the Bollywood version of it that we did. That's the music part. And I hope. I think all three. Yeah, there's got to be. Yeah. At least. Because of the Bollywood version of it that we did. That's the music part. And I hope, I think Doritos is actually. It's a four-hour commercial. There's lots of papermachine planes. It's pretty exciting.

Brian, do you have one more call there in the hopper? Hi, this is Brannon from Oakland, California, and I just had a tooth pulled. I didn't even make it to 40 with all of my teeth. Still got gauze in my mouth, and I got bone grafts from cadaver bone, so I totally, like, got a dead person stuffed in there and then sewn in. It's really weird. And I took a volume, so I'm kind of out of it. So there's my momentous occasion.

I don't know if you can understand anything that I'm saying. Okay. Bye. This call makes me realize that if I ever teach a class about, like, diction, I will insult my least favorite student by saying, you sound like somebody that just had a tooth pulled, got a tooth graft from a dead person, and is on Valium, so they're a little out of it. And they're calling a podcast. I thought her momentous occasion was going to be, I have just won my camp's chubby bunny contest. Right.

Yes. Absolutely. I have just won my camp's chubby bunny contest. Right. Yes. Absolutely. So what I would watch out for in her scenario where you have a cadaver's – I don't know why I'm assuming it's a convict's tooth. They always are. Because how is it supposed to possess you?

Right. So watch out for basically them biting your Chinese enemies. Yeah. Right. Teeth murder I think is a big one that could come up for you. You don't know where that's been. But also, way to go. I mean, just looking into the face of, sure, put it in there.

You know, put that bone from a person, I don't know if it's a dead person, right in there. Shove it in. I love, I think she's a hero. Yeah, yeah. No, me too. I think that's bravery. I'm really proud of her. Yeah. We commend you. Right, lady, with

a serial killer's tooth. You're the real hero. I think that, yeah, the boring version of that movie, where I mean, obviously, tell us the boring version. The exciting version is you get the serial killer's bones in your mouth, and then you bite, bite kill Chinese enemies.

The boring version is just like, oh, that serial killer just had a horrible diet and you know maybe it's a vegetarian who all of a sudden is craving hot dogs or something and then it's just onion rings yeah and eating rampage okay yeah well i mean and the other the other option is just just that it's like somebody's mouth who had like no braces, really bad overbite. Because there's a – yeah, murder, death. That's an option. The other option is that person was a spy that got killed before they could use their cyanide capsule that was in their tooth. Oh, nice. And he got the tooth that has the cyanide capsule.

That's a really interesting one. What's in here? Oh, you're dead. Bite. Sure. And then they're like, oh, my God, she was an operative. See, that's really, because I was just going to go for the horror movie that's wearing braces again as an adult. Because my mom had to do that.

It's called Midnight Tom Cruise, the movie. Yeah, it was really intense for her. Did she? She did. Yeah, she had to have braces. She never had them when she was a kid. She had them when she was like 55. And she was very embarrassed.

Sure. Because that's, I mean, nobody knows. Everybody's like, hey, I know you have braces, but I don't want to bring it up. You know, like it's like it's this braces in the room with you. I feel like it's the face elephant in the room. Particularly stigmatizing now because people would in their head be like, why couldn't she just do Invisalign? Well, see, that's what I'm saying. Five years ago, Invisalign, not a thing.

Wow. She just missed. It's like your mom and Invisalign. Well, see, that's what I'm saying. Five years ago, Invisalign, not a thing. Right. Wow. She just missed. It's like your mom and Invisalign is like me and Reddit. She missed the Invisalign. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Cameron Esposito, professional lesbian.

That's what we like. D.C. Pearson, Pope of Gettin' Down. Like it. Guys, this has been a ton of fun. Thanks for being here. This is great. I had a great time. Thank you for having us, Jordan.

D.C. Pearson, you, of course, have a new young adult book out called Crap Kingdom. Crap Kingdom. Can you give us a brief synopsis of the story in case people are shopping for a young adult? Crap Kingdom, or just for themselves. For themselves. Because I think it's very accessible to grownups as well. But it's a young adult comedic fantasy adventure about a kid who finds out that he is the chosen one in a magical fantasy realm parallel to our own. And then he finds out that the magical fantasy realm in which he's a chosen one is really, really crappy.

Right. Because it's the one where Cameron Esposito doesn't have a podcast. Exactly. And it's available now in bookstores, on e-readers, and everywhere that fine books are sold. And I would really appreciate you buying it right this very second. that fine books are sold and I would really appreciate you buying it right this very second and I'm trying to get very hard to get on

the New York Times bestseller list oh yeah and this right now when you're hearing this is I think still within the window of my first week of sales so you buying my book would always help me but right at this very moment is the especially the apogee of helpfulness don't don't delay folks if if if that

if that title sound if that synopsis sounds delightful, if you like the wit and wisdom of D.C. Pearson, I would suggest buying... Mostly the wisdom. Yeah, the wisdom. I'm like my generation's Irma Bombeck. The wit, eh, but the wisdom. Well, that's great.

Is there a particular website you want people to go to? Yeah, if you want links to purchase it, it's at crapkingdom.com. I also just, in conjunction with putting my book out, put out a half an hour of stand-up comedy and my one-person storytelling show, DC Pearson is Bad at Girls, for free online. Both of them are 18 or over, NSFW. Sure. You can go to youtube.com slash DC Pearson to see those. And if you enjoy them or if you've enjoyed this or if you enjoy anything, buy my book.

If you enjoy pleasure. If you enjoy pleasure. If you're not someone that has had the pleasure centers of their brain removed or damaged by having, I don't know, being given a convict's brain from a Chinese prison, it's CrapKingdom.com. Cameron Esposito, you, of course, are doing stand-up comedy all over the country. I am. Is there a place people can see you do stand-up comedy? There is. And also, this is great because there's also an accessible place that they can hear me do stand-up comedy.

Because every Tuesday night here in L.A., I have a show at the UCB Theater, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, that's called Put Your Hands Together. A D.C. person has done it, and you are scheduled be doing it soon enough time i'm mr jordan morris and it's a it's also available as a podcast which is actually the first of its kind so yeah you don't hear about too many stand-up comedy show because it's a weekly stand-up podcast and we're also trying to do it with minimal editing so sometimes people don't want their sets on there because they're prepping for TV or something else. And so then we put in like a little interview. But other than that, it really is almost as if you're at the live show. I do some hosting up top.

Oh, that's great. It's a really neat experience. People that have not been in Los Angeles, that haven't had a chance to come see the show, have been in touch and commented that it's a really great time to be able to see what it's like at an old comedy show. If you live in Kansas and a ton of local – or a ton of comics don't come through where you live, this is a great way to listen to the people that are on the way up in stand-up comedy and also the big names that are happening right now. You're going to say people that are on the way down.

Like a Jordan Morris. Somebody who has seen better days. Oh, but that's called put your hands together. Put your hands together. And we were being comically cagey about another podcast project that you have. We're not sure if we are allowed to announce it. In addition to put your hands together, which we are free to talk about and say is great and encourage people to download

more than once per week. Delete it, download it again. You may or may not have a podcast coming out on the MaxFun Network so I would just maybe encourage people to keep checking MaxFun.org, maybe follow you on Twitter.

Yeah, and keep your ear to the ground for any mention of wham-bam-pow. Wham-bam-pow. Any mention of those words together. Right. Any mention of that. Now, a specific ass is not involved. No, it's not an ass that goes pow. It is a wham-bam that goes pow.

Okay. Just wanted to clarify because I didn't— No asses are involved. I didn't want to cross any wires. Is there a rama--Lama ding-dong? There will be if you come on the show. Maybe. You know what I mean?

Maybe. I'm in. So podcast, wham-bam-pow, may or may not happen. That's all we can say. Yeah, of course, again, if you'd like a Jumbotron message shared, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Check out BoatParty.biz. Give us a call if you want your momentous occasion played on the show. 206-984-4FUN.

Discuss the show in the forums. Rate us on iTunes. Gosh darn it. Brian Fernandez helping us out on the boards. Love you by the free design. Our theme music. We'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse. Go.

Our theme music, we'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.