Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 267: String Pudding with Helen Zaltzman

Episode Date: March 18, 2013

Broadcaster Helen Zaltzman of the podcast "Answer Me This!" joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of cat songs, TV shows, Helen and Jesse's experience at South By Southwest and pudding.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day here in Los Angeles, California, as it usually is. The weather in Los Angeles is beautiful. It's mild. Welcome to Jordan and Jesse, go.

Show about not much particularly. I mean, if we're in need of a topic, if we're spinning our wheels, can I run some cat songs by you? Well, some cat dinner songs specifically. Do you mind if I bring our guest into the mix? Yeah. Just in case she has any feelings about this. Sure. Yeah, I have a lot of feelings I want to share about cat dinner songs, whatever they our guest helen zaltzman the co-host of one of my favorite comedy podcasts

answer me this thank you jesse visiting from some 6 000 miles away i came just for the day yeah and it was very kind of you we of course bought you a plane ticket on the concord yep they had to resuscitate the concord just for me they had to take one of the ornamental ones that they've still got, put a pile in it, and check the engine hadn't been taken out because it was an ornament. We were going to bring you over here on the space shuttle. We have a space shuttle here in Los Angeles. I was pretty disappointed, but maybe on my return journey. Yeah.

Fair enough. I would appreciate it. Fair enough. We'll do a quick jump. Sure. You just have to bounce out of the atmosphere, bounce back. Well, you were just surprised to learn that the space shuttle is confined to a hangar in a museum. Yeah.

I said, get it out there. Let's transport some podcasters. Sure. Which one? In the Kennedy Space Center. Because we were debating whether that's the real one or whether it's a replica. Because we thought the real one would probably be in quite bad shape having sort of fallen through the atmosphere. Yeah.

Well, I saw the space shuttle a few weeks ago. There's a couple of them. There's like three or four. I dropped the $2 to see the spaceship. Wow. Jordan's a rich man. He's got YouTube money. He is a pretty big deal.

And it did have some space wear and tear on it. I mean, I don't know if that was cosmetic, if they were like, oh, people won't buy this if it's, you know, pristine. But it did seem to have some space on it. Well, you would want some space on it because you wouldn't want a rocket that was just a show rocket. Right. Or maybe it's like in Hollywood now, they seem to be going off employing actresses who've done so much to their faces they no longer move.

So they want them to retain some of the character of life. If they're playing a 50-year-old woman, they want them to look 50. So maybe they thought we'd better make this rocket look like it's not just been in a cupboard. Like someone went around and just hit it with a piece of charcoal a few times. Yeah, as they do to Nicole Kidman. Right. Sure. Yes, the space shuttle went through the same process that Charlize Theron went through before her film Monster.

Yeah, and then... It got real fat. Yeah, and then it had to lose it in order to be aerodynamic. That's a problem. Right. If anything, I took a more improbable mode of transport to get here. Let's not get into that. We have to talk about these cat songs.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I took a cat that was singing the whole way. Oh, good. Thank you. It was awful. Thank you for segueing seamlessly into my dumb thing that I wanted to talk about. I brought you in here to talk about cat songs, Helen. I did not bring you in here to talk about modes of transportation.

We can talk about that later. What do we think about bikes, everyone? A potentially interesting story about traveling across the country. Hold on to that. Lord knows we wouldn't want to hear that. We have bullshit to prattle on about. I'm so sorry. I've not prepared properly according to the principles of Jordan Jessigo.

I'm very excited to hear about this cat song. If you tell me about your cat songs, I'll tell you the song that I sing with Simon. Oh, great. Terrific. So I've started giving my cat just a little bit of food at night before bed. Why? You know, because it just helps me sleep a little bit longer

so she doesn't start going nuts at 6 a.m. Right. Could you get the postman to post a little bit of food through every morning at 6 a.m. so she finds it? Yeah, that might be nice. Do you think at 6 a.m., do you think that's when she starts trying to eat you? Like that's when she thinks you're dead? Right, exactly. He's like, well, he's been in repose for about eight hours now.

No one could survive that amount of repose. Sure. But I mean, cats have a high tolerance for repose. It's like their main state. They are lazy. So I started giving her a little bit of food at night. And for some reason, I think that a song should accompany it. And I have two options, and I want you guys to know which... I want to hear your guys'

opinion, which one you think is better. I like the second one. Okay. I like the first one. So, Helen, you were on a trade. Okay, here's the first one. I'm pouring out your night food. Meow, meow. That's one.

That's pretty good. That's not really a song. That's just the beginning of a song. What's the bridge? What's the middle eight? I don't know the rest of that song. I don't know the rest of Night Moves. I only know the chorus.

You need to develop it. And the second one is, I could make dinner for a fancy kitty cat. That's the second one. Can I suggest one? Yeah, sure. It goes, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Okay. It's called Night Food. Uh-huh. It's an instrumental based on the theme from Night Court. Oh, I like it. Did Night, did they, they said, the Night Court theme is totally wordless, right? Just like Night Food, my song parody that I wrote of it. Okay.

I like it. What about this? You could make up words to it. Yeah, exactly. I'm pouring cat food for my cat. Into the bowl. For my cat. John Larroquette.

Tell you what, though. I like the meow meows from the first one. Yeah. Maybe you could incorporate those. I mean, I guess I could replace the do's with meows. That's easy. That's an easy fix. Try that.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Sing a patient is important. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. John Larroquette. You don't have to put in John Larroquette. Well, no, he'll sue if I don't. What about Harry Anderson? How do you think Harry Anderson feels?

John Larroquette was a supporting star on Night Court. Harry Anderson was the central figure. Yeah, I think we all knew why we were tuning in, though. Mel Torme. Yeah, right. For Mel Torme. Bull. I think... I do like the Night Court theme

better than the two songs that you sang. Yeah. I love the Night Court theme. I don't have any particular attachment to Night Court. That was one of those songs... That was one of those shows

as a kid where when I heard it come on, like from my parents' room, I knew that it was too late for me to be up. And it freaked me out a little bit. So it makes you feel guilty even now? Yeah, a little bit. It freaked you out? Your concern that Night Court might cause mummies?

I had a hard time sleeping as a kid. So when I felt like I was up too late, it freaked me out. Oh, I didn't know this about you. Yeah, so there's certain themes. So there's the night court theme, the coach theme. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. I associate that with maddening insomnia. Even though it was on at like 9.30.

Right, so I do. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da. Like, and definitely like when the MASH rerun came on. Well, that's like at 11. Yeah, totally. That's after the late news. That's when it's like, well, I'm going to die. Yeah, totally. That's after the late news. That's when it's like, well, I'm going to die

of sleep deprivation. That's when my... Well, you could just watch MASH. Huh? You could just watch MASH. I could watch MASH. That puts you right to sleep. Yeah, be super bored.

Helen, I hope you're enjoying this discussion of American TV shows that you probably didn't get over there. I don't know what Night Court is, so I've retreated into my rich inner life. But I have a little concern because if he adopts the Night Court theme for the late night cat food song, it's a trigger for his own fears. Yeah.

And I think that could be just a really bad idea for you, Jordan. What if I got Bull to live at your house and protect you? Yeah. I would be afraid. He seems like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. No. He. I would be afraid. He seems like a Lenny of mice and men. No, he's a no-nonsense guy, but he's got a heart of gold. Yeah. I think he'd probably still snap my neck if I got freaked out.

What if I got Roz to come and protect you instead? Yeah, that would be fun. Yeah, that would be fun. Anyway, what do you think about that? What? Are you guys still here? You guys got cheers in England, though, right? So you know all about Harry Anderson.

Yeah, which one's he? He's the guy who would come into the bar and do magic tricks sometimes. He played a con man. He always wore a fedora. Ah, I don't know whether, because I've been watching the reruns. They're rerunning it at the moment in double bills. And because I'm self-employed and work at home, the Cheers double bill is the only thing that gives my life any semblance of structure um so i've i've missed a couple of series uh when i was away and i'm not sure that i've seen any magicians yet they've got

to the bit where kirsty alley's just come into the series so does it happen after that well no it happens periodically throughout the course of the series i would say i could be missing it right now he's probably on eight times he's probably on eight ten times over the course of the series, I would say. I could be missing it right now. He's probably on eight times. He's probably on eight, ten times over the course of the series. Once a year or so, he would pop into the bar, steal something from someone, crack a cockamamie scheme. You crack a scheme, right? Yeah, sure. You crack a scheme. You construct a joke.

Yeah. So what is the – you said that it's kind of a marker for you while working at home what does the cheers double bill mean to you when it comes on it means uh that it's 7 p.m it's uh it's time to down tools and do something else for an hour okay you know when you work at home you're always at work yeah uh i'm of course very hard working no you strike me as a hard worker yeah i'm you know with the cheers double bill uh when veronica mars and gilmore girls were on as well that gave my day even more television structure sadly those have been there ripped away and more feelings too

yeah a lot of feelings a bit more mystery in the case of veronica mars pattern too much pattern too much talking in the case of the gmore Girls. A lot of rapid fire talking. I thought my mother and I didn't do that. Until you want to pull your freaking hair out. So many village wackos. I mean, do villages like that really exist in the USA? Gilmore Girls really, considering my fondness for high-minded television programs and Lauren Graham, Gilmore Girls really had to work hard until I just could not watch it at all. Like just makes me completely insane to even hear the sound in the background of

their talking. There's also the theme tune I find pretty unbearable. I have to leave the room when that happens. I could just mute it, but I have to take it one step further. I think it's the same thing for me as all Aaron Sorkin shows that aren't sports night. There's just a certain point where I just want them to either actually be clever and funny or just talk like human beings. Not be in this weird netherworld where there's 70% of the way to being clever and funny because television shows are written in 48 hours by one mad genius in the case of the Sorkin shows and that Gilmore Girls woman. Is she a Sorkinesque Coke hotel room writer? I think so.

Yeah, yeah. She writes every... I don't know. I don't know. I don't think she's been associated with the drug use part, but I think she is a person who just- Well, I mean, if you watch one episode of Bunheads, you know that there is a lot of blow involved in the construction of one of those. Well, what are they hiding in the buns?

Coke. Oh, Coke. Yeah. I mean, sure. Probably rocks. You get your little party favor up there in your bun. Yep. You're saying they have crack rocks up there.

Yeah. Oh. You think they're puffing on crack pipes. That's the only explanation, Jesse. Yeah. That's the only explanation why they would make a show about childhood dancing. Well, there's a natural audience for that, which is, I suppose, 10-year-old girls. Yeah.

But is that enough to keep a show on American television? Especially if it doesn't have Lauren Graham. I mean, if they cancel the rest of development after two and a half series, then I don't think the ballet show is really going to work. That's a good point. What is Lauren Graham from other than that? Parenthood? She had an arc where she was the efficiency expert on news radio. That's when I first came to know her.

Oh, okay. She's the woman who goes, fuck me Santa in Bad Santa. Oh, okay. She sure does say that. She's a delight. She sure does say that. And she's on Parenthood. Yes.

Parenthood is another show where my wife has been watching it lately. I think I'm just not very good at enjoying certain types of B plus, A minus television program. Yeah. You either want it to be a lot better or a lot worse. Yeah. And I don't really care about ones that are a lot worse. I want it to maybe – You want everything to be amazing, Jesse.

And that's your problem because not everything can be amazing and if it was you would not appreciate it being amazing anymore well i mean i think maybe that i would like it to moderate its ambitions if it's not going to be that great so like uh for example i think cheers is a show with very very very narrow goals that they fucking destroys it just kills it every time like they their goal is let's have a stupid sketch at the beginning of the thing where at the end carla says something mean to someone they fucking get it 10 out of 10 every time i'm like yes they fucking nailed that whereas these other shows i i feel like maybe are um are just a little bit stupider than I would like them to be. Weeds is another good example

of this. Weeds is also a little racist. Or at least season one was, which is the only one that I saw. Which wasn't even the high concept of Weeds was it? The racism? No, there was a whole other... That's just the sideline of Weeds. One time I heard the Weeds lady on

with our buddy Elvisvis mitchell on the treatment and she was talking about why it's okay for her to write characters that i would describe as broad ethnic stereotypes it was because uh for a while she used to play park chess in the park with a lot of black guys so she's pretty much like herself she knows a lot about yep she knows a lot about what blacks are really like when their defenses are down. Not when they're on parade for us whites. Gave me the heebie-jeebies. Anyway, this is a tour of critically acclaimed television shows Jesse doesn't like that much.

Any more while you're at it? Yeah, well, we've already talked about Modern Family enough on this show. Oh, man, I sure don't enjoy that as a um as a as someone who's trying to get work uh writing for television you love all the shows i love all the shows and i think i will officially eject from any conversation uh from any conversation uh crapping on a television you know what those creators i'll tell you this yeah arch. Archer's great. Hey, yeah, sure. Fucking love Archer every time.

Yeah. I'm never not happy that I watched Archer. This is great. This is another one we don't have in Britain. Oh, you're missing out on Archer. Obviously I am. Get yourself some DVDs and a region-free DVD player. Let's make this happen for you.

Okay. I feel glad that I can make my life better. Well, let's talk about the train when we come back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Hi, this is Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a new show about being a mom. After you have the baby, how long does it take before you feel like your old self? Will you ever get to be sick again and lose yourself overnight in a night full of fog?

Will you ever again sit on a toilet alone? Join us every week to find out. And remember, you don't have to leave your baby on a checkout conveyor belt to be one bad mother. Subscribe for free on iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zalt's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, visiting professor. Emeritus or? I wouldn't say that. Okay.

There's everything to play for by the end of the show, obviously. Sure. You got a good fellowship, though. Yeah. You're here because you got a really solid fellowship. I'm really locked in. Helen, I just want to emphasize this. Publisher perish. Helen, I just want to emphasize this.

Publisher perish. So, Helen, we were just together at South by Southwest in Austin. Yes, we were. And you got here by ground transportation means. That's right. I took a train. You don't know how to drive. I don't know how to drive, Jesse. You're a grown up.

I know. Well, I started to learn when I was a teenager. I didn't really take to it. So I thought, i'll put this off till after i've been to university but then after i went to university i moved to london where you're absolutely stupid if you go around by car did you have the expectation that after you got that college degree everything would fall into place in terms of learning to drive i thought once i'm fluent in ang-Saxon, the driving is just going to be a piece of pie. You figured it was your lack of mastery of semiotics. Yeah.

The relationship between sign and signifier and signified. Yeah. I thought, I need to know what influence the ancient Norwegians had on modern British pronouns. And then I figure I'll learn three-point turns. So I guess, why not plane then? Well, I thought it would be an interesting novelty. I also really hate airports and I find them quite boring.

And I thought I've already taken a couple of flights to get to Austin. I feel a bit bad about the carbon emissions. Let's train it. You take a lot of, you go on a lot of road trips. I was shocked to learn that you don't know how to drive, Let's train it. You take a lot of, you go on a lot of road trips. I was shocked to learn that you don't know how to drive, mostly because you've described to me these, like, two-week-long road trips that you and your husband have gone on. Yeah, I'm powering the car just with my mind.

Luckily, he did learn to drive. I mean, we don't have a car at home, so this is the only driving he does, but we do love a road trip. And I thought, because he's not here, and I can't do the road trip from Austin to L.A., which we'd have really liked to have done, although now that I've seen the route out the train window, I'm kind of glad we didn't because it's a bit flat. I thought, we'll have a train.

There's big stretches of Texas with nothing going on. Texas. I mean, I was on the train for 12 hours and we were still in Texas. It was just dust and, if you're lucky, oil derricks. Hey, maybe the train hits a cow. That's fun cow that's fun cow wanders onto the track yeah saw some uh some of the border fence didn't see anyone trying to scramble over it disappointingly oh yeah saw that prada martha sculpture thingy by the tracks sure sure um you know a couple of dead animals bit of dust what kind of what what what. What were the characters like on the train? What kind of person rides a train from Texas to California?

Oh, renegades. Yeah, sure. In fact, I had dinner yesterday with a couple who'd been on that train since Michigan. They had spent three days on the train and they were crazy for it. No, but these are just train sex enthusiasts? Sleeper car fetishists. I really hope they're in the sleeper car and not in coach. They call that the six foot high club.

Right. Sure. And they find it aids the natural rhythms of their marital lovemaking. Oh, I think I know what you're talking about. We didn't get into that. She asked me a lot of questions about the British climate, and she did not mention at all her sexual preferences. But, I mean, did you go through any tunnels?

Her husband did. Hello. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to America. So at breakfast, I met this guy who was going from Houston to Los Angeles to start his life over. He hadn't told anyone he was leaving Houston, including his three kids. Wow. What?

Yeah. He left his kids? Well, because he and his wife had just had a messy breakup. She'd come home with hickeys on her neck. So this wasn't a daddy's going out for cigarettes and he just gets on a trade situation. They had at least gotten divorced. Well, she's got full custody and a restraining order against him and he's like i just hit her once she came home one night with hickeys on her neck anyone would have done it we're like okay there's no point really uh going through this one time jordan you remember that time i hit you because you had those hickeys on your neck yeah it seemed to record it seemed out

of line yeah i only did it the once, though. That's true. It was only the once. Yeah. It was only an open palm to the eyes. It was one of those claws. It was a tiger claw. I went shins, scrote, and then pounded on your head. Like, I learned that in my women's defense class.

Just the once. Women's self-defense class. And you've worn a cravat to the studio ever since. Okay, so you're on the train with a spousal abuser. Yep. Fleeing justice, presumably. Yeah, right? He's come here to be a parking valet, so he could be parking your Lamborghini.

Wow. He's not parking my Lamborghini. No. No one touches Jesse's Lambo. No. No punk teen or spousal abuser's gonna... I thought you were gonna teach me how to drive on it later.

Alright, I'll teach you how to drive with a Lambo. Great. I once ran my mother's car over a bollard. That's why I stopped learning to drive. So, okay, so you met the spousal to drive. So, okay. So you met the spousal abuse there. Yeah, the train sex enthusiasts. A guy that he's from just south of Oakland and he seemed to be fermenting a socialist revolution.

He seemed to be very anti-plutocracy and capitalism. Pro-train. Very much pro-train. He was getting more train from. up to the Bay Area. And he was saying, you know, it's terrible. They're taking away people's benefits and welfare. And, you know, university education used to be free, blah, blah, blah. I don't know what can be done.

And then he looked like he was thinking what can be done is I'm going to go full Mao Tse-Tung on America. He was probably imagining one of those bowling ball-shaped bombs with the wick coming out of the top of it. You're right. I'm guessing this guy, I mean, this is just shot in the dark. Did this guy have a jar of something with him? Did he have his own jar of liquid? What are you talking urine? I don't know.

Urine, kombucha, whatever. Yeah, kombucha. He has the mother mushroom growing at home. Yeah, well, maybe he thought, I don't want to travel anywhere without something that can start off some sourdough bread. He just had a jar of Bay Area air. Did you try and secure your place once the revolution comes? Did you try and secure yourself a good place in his new society? Yeah, I'm going to be the chief, even though it goes against all of them.

But you talked him into it. Yeah. And I think because I'm British and a lot of Americans are just blinded by the accent, he was willing to do anything. Even though what I was saying was extremely anti the principles, because, you know, you shouldn't elect a chief. It should be a collective. Right.

Right. No, sure. What, 250 million people? Yeah, I think. But, I mean, you make the decisions by unanimous consent. Right. No, sure. What, 250 million people? Yeah, I think. But I mean, you make the decisions by unanimous consent. Yeah. And I don't see why anyone wouldn't go along with my far-fetched ideas, right? I'm interested to learn about some of your ideas for running the society. I mean, obviously, I presume you're going to install death panels for our health care.

Yeah. I mean, why not? Just make sure who lives and who dies. Yeah. I thought you'd have to sit an exam, including a personal statement. And if your character would seem to be a bit amiss, off you go. To the gulag. Right to the gulag.

Otherwise, I'm just running this whole place in the same manner as Return to Oz. Going to get some wheelers. Now, you talked about, you said that maybe you felt like you were in line for this because of the British accent. Are you worried about being usurped by character actor Jared Harris? Well, what can I bring that he hasn't already brought? And I don't know what he's up to since Mad Men because he's obviously not going back. I don't think that's a spoiler. I mean, that happened a year brought. Yeah. And I don't know what he's up to since Mad Men, because he's obviously not going back. I don't think that's a spoiler. I mean, that happened a year ago.

Yeah. I think there should be a statute of limitation to when you can complain about a spoiler. Yeah. What do you think that is, though? Because on our podcast, we've had complaints about spoiling the Shawshank Redemption. And when did that come out? Oh, my God. In the 90s?

Actually, our buddy Kumail Nanjiani, I saw him get in a Twitter fight with a guy the other day who complained that he had spoiled Twin Peaks. But that, I mean, that is such a mystery

that you do sort of want it to be suspended away from you. But the other day, I had to write a book review of The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton. And I was thinking, can I insinuate

what the end of this is? It only came out in 1906. What's the point? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I was thinking, can I insinuate what the end of this is? It only came out in 1906. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I don't, yeah. I think 20 years is fair game. Yeah. I feel like if anything is on Netflix instant, it's fair game.

Why? Because you could just skip to the episode midway through series two of Twin Peaks to find out who Bob is, right? Right, exactly. It's one of the best episodes. By the way, don't spoil Twin Peaks for me, you guys. I haven't seen it. I wonder how he's going to take to it, Jordan. Because he doesn't like shows that

are B+, A-, and it has its moments of badness. I think what would really piss you off about Twin Peaks is its grand ambition, which is perhaps the... Jesse hates high flyers. Yeah.

And yeah, definitely – No, no, no. Clip those wings. That's my motto. Yeah. Hey, Icarus, guess what's going to happen, asshole? Yeah, you deserve that. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I don't think you would like it. It's just weird for the sake of weird a lot too. I think – You have to love David Lynch, I think. I think the two projects where I would say slow your roll, David Lynch, number one would be probably Twin Peaks. Yes. Over ambitious. I hear the movie was terrible.

The movie is terrible. Never watch that. Even if you love the series of Twin Peaks, please never watch Fire Walk With Me. Number two, I would say his plan to make everyone on the planet levitate through transcendental meditation. Also a little ambitious. You will feel like a fool when he succeeds. And we're going everywhere by hovering. I will feel like a fucking Superman.

I will feel tremendous if he succeeds. If he gives me the ability to fly through meditation, fucking I'm ready to make him the president. Sorry, he's the new chief. He's already got his own coffee line, hasn't he? Oh, he does. He definitely has coffee. And I assume that if that's the second of your two main problems with David Lynch, you have not seen the film Inland Empire.

No, I have not seen it. I've literally never interacted with any David Lynch media outside of him appearing on Louis. I feel bad about it. Once in a while it'll come up like, should try and get david lynch on bullseye and you will not get a word in we'll be like sure we'll get david lynch on bulls one time it was to promote his transcendental meditation record label and i was like we don't want to do that yeah but generally i'll i'm open to it but i know that as soon as we book him i'm gonna have to go through his entire film and televisionographies.

Hey, David Lynch, what's the big deal about the 50s as seen through the prism of the 80s? That could be your opener. That's a good one. Yeah. Do you think that the whitewashed suburban facade hides a dark side? That's a nice opener for old Lynch. How do you feel about Sha Na Na? I think the coolest thing that David Lynch ever did was there was a radio station out here for a while where he would call into the morning show and give a weather report. And it was sometimes just two or three, maybe five seconds long.

It would be like, David Lynch here with the weather, Misty, a chance of optimism. And then he would just hang up. It was so weird. But he did it every single weekday. That's great. Yeah. Good for David Lynch. You should get him to do the weather on one of the Maximum Fun shows.

I like his haircut. He's got lovely hair. He's got a gorgeous head of hair. And he seems so happy all the time. He does. It's because of all that transcendental meditation. Exactly. All that TM.

Maybe we shouldn't sniff at it. Yeah. All you need is a nice TM and a nice BM to be happy. Right. I mean, I think the levitation would be good for the train sex enthusiasts because then they could join the six-foot high club and not have to buy that expensive train ticket. Yeah. Well, and also I think that it would become a lot less expensive to ride on a high-speed monorail because of the levitation issues. Oh, sure. that's true.

Once that's been handled, once you don't have to power the current to go through the maglev. Well, I mean, then it would be just not a rail situation. Just the power of the passenger's minds would levitate the train. That's how a maglev works, Jordan. Don't you know anything about high-speed trains? No. Well, that's embarrassing. Sorry, guy.

Get your head on straight, Jordan. Sorry, guy. It's like you straight, Jordan. Sorry, guys. It's like you missed the whole transportation obsession period of your childhood. I absolutely did. I definitely was not a truck or train kid. Oh, speaking of truck kids, this is the song I sing with Simon. Okay. Simon and Daddy are buddies.

As close as two buddies can be One and two and three Is that a parody of something? No Okay, it's good It's an original My dad wrote it Oh, wow

That's nice So it's been handed down Yeah So if you were Weird Al That's your Dare to be Stupid Yeah Okay Absolutely

Great Yeah, no I think it's a magnum opus And it has a great costume That goes along with it. Right. You could develop that maybe into a movie. Yeah.

That's a really good idea. Think about it. That is really fun. I don't think my dad ever sang a song except to the dog. He would release emotions towards the dog that he would never to his children or wife. I guess, yeah, it would be funny if he was like talking to the dog, but it was like clearly aimed at you. Like, hey, you should be more ambitious. Hey, get it together.

I'm sorry I go on such long business trips. My dad's a sculptor, so neither of these things apply. He would never say anything that open, even through the medium of dog. He would never use the L words. He would just portray his feelings in clay. Yeah. He was also very fond of chainsaws and other giant tools. He's a man with Parkinson's disease and he has a chainsaw. He has three sledgehammers and a five foot blowtorch. So if he goes, it's going to be spectacular. The blowtorch particularly seems like a bad

idea. I mean, that really seems like trouble. What's he doing with these death implements? Well, there are a lot of unexplained people missing in the area of England. Right, sure. He is a sculptor. But the chainsaw is for fun. The chainsaw is for dealing with problem trees. And he loves it.

Oh, on the topic of dads with chainsaws. Or killer dads. Killer dads. Does England have that phenomenon of the dad that goes crazy for Halloween? No. Halloween is relatively recent in Britain. Obviously, we had it, but no one really did costumes or trick-or-treating until about five years ago. Now, it's mainly drunks in their early 20s getting dressed up.

Previously, it was mostly focused on actual witchcraft yeah well like a lot of our public holidays are in britain sure i mean some some of the things we do at christmas uh would blow your mind but you don't have you guys don't have the this is this is a big american thing is the suburban dad that you know makes the house into a you know a horrible nightmare every halloween yeah my dad would not have done that but but he's quite self-involved. So he probably wouldn't have noticed that it was Halloween. Sure. Yeah.

I don't, I can't speak for all British dads. We do, we do already have the kind of people who do the Clark Griswold thing to their house with the Christmas lights. Oh, okay. So I wonder whether those same people go crazy for Halloween. You guys have santee claus santee claus he he makes it over he levitates over to britain to drop off the presents um but figgy puddings you guys got figgy puddings that stuff's awful what is it yeah what is figgy

pudding i only know to know it as a song lyric yeah well it's it's christmas pudding so it's like a bomb of extremely densely packed fruit cake this is the's it's christmas pudding so it's like a a bomb of extremely densely packed fruit cake that's the weird thing about christmas sweet treats they're all terrible they're all made of the same substance but in different shapes it's all dried fruit packed into an extremely dense compound i guess just at some point in england that was just all that was available right yeah just just dried fruit and rum. Well, it used to have meat in it as well. So the mince pies used to have actual beef in them.

So it was dried fruit and beef? Yeah, it was quite sweet. And everything was preserved. Also, it seems like the British definition of pudding is very loose. Like, what is pudding is a big tent. It is a really big subject. You could write a thesis on it, Jordan, if you were so inclined. Yeah.

I mean, I think so. I mean, I think it's time that maybe I kind of leave the showbiz thing and get back into academia, like food-based academia. I like the idea of this being a big tent issue. I like the idea of there being an election for king of the dessert foods. Yeah. Someone running on the definition of pudding. Yeah. And it being expanded. I mean. Someone running on the definition of pudding. Yeah. And it being expanded.

I mean, I guess like the definition of marriage. Well, it could just be pudding is running against custard. Okay. They're not equal opponents. Custard is one thing. Pudding is many. That's the thing. That's what pudding figured out.

Because here in the United States, pudding is only one thing. Pudding is only pudding. What is pudding? It's whatever Bill Cosby says it is. Okay. Yeah. Pudding is, i think the difference is custard has custard is made with eggs that's right and pudding is not huh so pudding so they're

both sweet pudding both pudding and custard are sweet dairy thick desserts okay so they could because in britain if pudding was versus custard, I mean, the custard would complement many of the types of pudding, but the custard in Britain is kind of runny. No, a custard here,

you're looking, it's got to have some firmness to it. That's the whole point of putting the eggs in there. Right. But I think the firmness in pudding comes from gelatin.

Yeah. Gosh, you've got so narrow-minded when it comes to pudding. What we over here call a pizza, you guys call an Italian pudding. A flat pudding, we call that. Right, a flat cheese pudding.

Yeah, and what you call spaghetti, we call string pudding. All right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, foreign exchange student. It's great to have you here, Helen. It's very fun. What did you think? We sent Chris Fairbanks over to England. And he's over there on some other podcast.

If he's doing my podcast, then he's in my house right now. Hey, Jordan. Yes. How about this for a quick announcement for our audience? I'd love a quick announcement. Guess what's coming up in April? It's probably the pledge drive. Yeah, max fun drive, my friends. You've been freeloading for too long, assholes.

We're going to stick it to you. I don't know. Maybe that's not the right tone to take. You're going to stick it to us, meaning your support. Yes. We're going to open up our anuses to receive your support. You make this very romantic. We're going to allow your $5 a month to stimulate our prostates.

We do have something this year. For those of you out there who don't know, all of MaximumFun.org is listener supported. So if you are – we give away all of our shows for free and we ask for you to support them. And this year, and we have a pledge drive only once a year, so we will be asking for your money in April and having special guests and all that stuff. But the thing

that I wanted to say is we have this thank you gift this year called the Intimate Sensations Pack. I know Lindsay's running the board this week. She's been deeply involved in the construction of the – she's nodding knowingly. By construction, do you mean she's been carving toys? She's been carving dildos, yes.

These are wooden dildos. It's just wooden dildos. Splintery. Well, to be fair, we gave her the chainsaw and sent her to go gather some wood from problem trees. Yeah. My dad's a sculptor. You could have asked him if he's willing to go in the sex toy direction.

We should have just hired that guy whose house you stayed at in Palm Springs, Jordan. Oh, yeah. That dildo flower guy. Sure. I don't think he made the dildos, though. I think those were found dildos. Okay. Second hand?

Yeah, yeah. Oy. He'd just go look in the bushes by playgrounds or whatever. Sure. Is that where dildos hang out? I think so. That's where people throw their dildos when they're all used up. So anyway, we do have an intimate sensations pack.

I'm not going to reveal everything that's inside the intimate sensation pack, but I will say the ingredients are very sensual. This is not just a cute name. It is actually erotic. It is highly erotic. Well, that fits most of the shows on this network. Sure. Well, certainly this program.

Yeah. It is intimate. We're all here trapped in a tiny phone box. If you're out there and you're not participating in an erotic activity right now, you're using this show wrong. You should at least be jerking it. Bare minimum. Yeah. Bare minimum your hand least be jerking it. Bare minimum. Yeah. Bare minimum your hand should be down your pants.

But really, if you can get into a sleeper car on a maglev train. Yeah. And get someone there to stimulate your genitals. And you're playing Jordan Jesse Go maybe on a jam box. You know, like on one of those little portable speaker systems. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Or just in a nice pair of in-ear headphones.

Noise canceling headphones maybe so you don't have to listen to the sound of the, you know, intercoursing. Right. Because that's unpleasant. Well, it's certainly unpleasant when you could be listening to something far more erotic like Jordan Jesse Go. For instance. That's just an example.

Anyway, if you ever want to have an orgasm again, support Jordan, Jesse, go. Listen, we're not saying you can't have an orgasm without this show, but this is the stimulate the balls situation. Yeah. This will amp it up. And we're actually going to do a live show from MaximumFun.org. Well, it's going to be very live. This is going to have video, so it's going to be hard for people to control their

orgasms as they watch at home. But we're going to do a live streaming show. This is going to be more stimulating for men because men are so visual. Yeah, that's true. I think mainly who uses this podcast for erotic purposes, it's women because it has to do with fantasy. Right. Maybe you should do some written

MaxFun.org type show for the women rather than video stimulation. I would really enjoy some Jordan Jesse Go Slashfic. Oh, yeah. Right? There's got to be some Jordan Jesse Go Slashfic out there. I think I know you too well and I don't want it to be a description of us doing it, but I would like to maybe be doing it with Dave and Graham. That sounds fun. Like a cross Oh, that does sound fun. Or like a cross-max fun.

That sounds fun. Brian and Aaron finally decide to fucking drop the shit and get it on like we all know they want to. Yeah, sure. We have a lot of really good ideas. We should explore this. We're going to do this live show the last Friday of the pledge drive, and we're going to stream it on the internet and everything.

You'll only be able to fucking listen to it later if you're a donor so get your donations out. Yeah. But, you know, I think this is going to be, I think this could be

a fun topic of conversation. I think Brian is going to come by. Sure. We can ask him when they're finally going to do it. Yeah. Maybe he'll be ready to consummate on the video stream.

Yeah. Or, I mean, maybe if the Slashfic is ready by then we could read some on the air. Yeah. Maybe he'll be ready to consummate on the video stream. Yeah. Or I mean, maybe if the Slashfic is ready by then, we could read some on the air. Yeah. I think Brian probably dates guys who are handsomer than us. Sure. I'm not going to lie to you. No.

Brian's a very handsome guy. I can confirm this. Zaffy's doing all right. Yeah. I went to Brian and Aaron's live show here in LA. Packed house, mainly gorgeous guys. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. I'm not surprised to hear that. Sounds tremendous. Okay, anyway, Max Fun Drive is coming up, so get your donations ready. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second.

We'll be back in just a second. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, on the show last week is because Helen and I were on a panel at South by Southwest in Austin, Texas. Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun. You used to go to South by Southwest a lot for your job at Fuel. Yeah. I've been there for a couple different hosty type jobs. And yeah, always a blast. I'm always a little bummed when I can't go and very envious of people's look at my barbecue

hashtag SXSW tweets. Yep. Oh, God. You should envy. Yeah, yeah. We went to a restaurant where you can buy

all you can eat barbecue and we just ate like animals. It was daunting. Sure. It was just a circular pit piled high

with animals that then we ate like animals. What are you, what are we talking here? Oh, I'm talking about the meats that were available, not the nature of the eating. But that was a good demonstration.

Yeah, in the all-you-can-eat offer, it was brisket, ribs, and... Sausage. Yes. Smoked sausage. Yeah. And, oh, sorry, there's a zebra-striped golf cart to take you from your car to the restaurant,

a walk, which is approximately 30 seconds. What? Like the zoo train. Yeah. It was literally probably a decommissioned zoo train. They're not inferring that you could eat zebra in the restaurant, right? There's not like a barbecued zebra shank. Maybe they're inferring that you will eat so much that you will no longer be capable of movement afterwards. Fairly accurate.

It was pretty great. Oh, just ate until we were sick. Terrific. Because you get, and then there's, and then you got coleslaw. It was a real nice vinegar coleslaw. I usually prefer a creamier coleslaw because of the fat in there. Yeah, but you didn't need that because you had the meat. But it didn't need it because we had all this meat and oh jeez, we ate this brisket. Oh boy. Just ate until we looked like those little babies from the Africa TV commercial. Yeah, we ate until we

looked like we had malnutrition. After they go to a barbecue buffet. Tore off our shirts, our bellies were puffed out. Fucking flies at the corners of our eyes. We were doing it big in Texas. Oh, it was magnificent. I think that my favorite part of South by Southwest, I mean, here's the thing.

For me, there's a little bit of disappointment because there's so many opportunities to drink for free. And when you don't drink, you sort of, like people start drinking for free at 10 a.m. Sure. And then they're just drunk for free throughout the course of the event. I think it's one of those events like going to Vegas where it's like 90 percent of this is drinking. So – I mean look. Did I have a nice time going to dinner with fellow podcasting magnate Dan Benjamin of the 5x5 Network? Yeah, sure.

I had a great time. Would it have been better if I was super wasted? Yes. Sure. great time yeah would it have been better if i was super wasted yes but the one thing that i really enjoyed about it and was feeling very proud of myself about was that i would i was getting recognized every three hours oh sure two every two three hours somebody would come up to me and say i love you this was the internet yeah so basically there's internet and film happened the first week and music happens the second week.

And yeah, I was really proud of myself. I'm like, I'm a fucking major celebrity here. Like people keep coming up to me and telling me how great I am. This is tremendous until Helen and I had just Helen and I had just done some interviews. Me and Helen and Roman Mars had done some interviews, some field interviews for a show that Helen was contributing to from The Guardian, the British newspaper. And she had them all on, you know, like a compact flash card. But she needed to upload them to her editor at The Guardian. And she didn't – and she was disappointed that the press area didn't have any compact flash cards. Also, I don't think I was using the correct vocabulary because I did not know how to translate

my technological needs into American. Yeah. And so- You said, where's the electronic puddings? You kept saying- I need a pudding for the pudding. The internet pudding. Yes.

You kept saying, a Lyft. I need a Lyft. Robbie Williams is famous. I don a lift. Robbie Williams is famous. I don't know. And so she's talking to this poor woman at the counter. Give me the pudding. At the counter, the woman saying, you know, this is just a press lounge. I'm not even sure they had computers for people to use, maybe just printers.

And a massage chair for Jesse Thorne to get a free massage in. I did go and get a free massage. Well, everyone I was with didn't have the sense to recognize that it was a free massage chair and go get in it immediately upon seeing it. Was this a person massaging you or an electronic? Oh, it was a person. Okay. Yeah.

You were getting full elbow in the back type. Oh, yeah. Full on. Absolutely. And it's South by Southwest, so it was like the guy from Girl Talk, right? Yeah, absolutely. The guy from Girl Talk? It's just one guy.

It's just one guy, yeah. The guy from that. The Girl Talk guy. The Girl Talk guy. There you go. He smelled like cracker crumbs. I think it was his beard. So she's going through this thing with this person, and this big black guy is standing right behind the lady that Helen's talking to.

And he turns around and says, are you Helen Zaltzman? Just this huge man. Just a monstrous man. A gentle giant. Very much a gentle giant. A bull from Night Court type. Yes, exactly. Which I don't understand because we don't have Night Court.

So thank you. An African American bull, if you can imagine that. And he says, are you Helen Zaltzman from Answer Me This? I recognized you by your voice. Now, Helen, guilty as charged, is Helen Zaltzman from Answer Me This. She very graciously

said, yes, I am. Do you have a flashcard reader I could borrow? And he did! He did! He went right into his backpack and pulled a fucking flashcard reader. That's awesome. This has really nettled Jesse Thorne, though, who, as aforementioned,

was getting recognized all over the place for his appearance, which, you know, he does put this on, so people are going to take notice of his apparel he seems very annoyed that i get recognized by my voice which is the only thing anyone would know me for and now here's the thing the only time i we've ever been recognized by our voices when was when we were in college me and jordan and gene were in the back of a bus in santa cruz this guy turned around and said hey are you guys the sound of young america we said yes

and it was the first time we'd ever been recognized. It was a really big deal. He said, I listen every week. We're like, oh, my gosh, that's amazing. Are you a really big fan of KZSC? That was our station. And he said, no, I'm homeless, and my radio is broken and only gets one channel. So that's the only time we've ever – but what I was really upset by was not the voice part.

It was, hey, other people that recognize me, what are you doing for me? You know what I mean? How is this benefiting me? You've got to ask, you know? Well, let's talk it out. Okay, let's do a role play. So Jesse's feelings can be calmed, I think. Okay.

Who am I? Are you Jordan Morris from Jordan, Jesse, Go? Yeah, I am. Let me lend you an SD card. Thanks. Jesse Thorne, I notice, is standing next to you, that guy from Put This On. I'd assume that such a guy would already have an SD card. So he's fine for it.

I would not demean him by suggesting he had a technological need that he needed me to fulfill as a stranger. You seem prepared. So I should have been more affirmative is what you're saying. You should have been like... What should I have been asking for? Probably brisket. Yeah. Maybe a lift.

Are you... Can we try again? Can we try the... Okay. Do you want me to try with Jordan or with you? No, with me. Because I'm working it through here. Hey, are you Jesse Thorne from all of the Maximum Fun podcasts that you make?

I am. Do you have any brisket I can eat? I know where you can get some. Do you want me to take you to there? I mean, I really want, the thing that I want is that immediate gratification of having a need satisfied immediately upon being recognized. You sit down. I'll just run out and get you some brisket.

Will that work? And then I'll leave while you eat it so we don't have to make a conversation. How about let's try it. Can we try it? Let's try it again. Let's try it one more time. All right. Sorry.

Okay. Oh, my God. Are you Jesse Thorne from the Jesse Thorne things? I am. Can you help me resolve some of the lingering emotional issues surrounding my father's post-traumatic stress disorder? I would be more than happy to try. That's what I'm looking for. That's solution.

Yeah, I think it's just an assertiveness thing. Problem solution. Well, I suppose my podcast is about problem solution. Yeah, I think it's just an assertiveness thing. Problem solution. Well, I suppose my podcast is about problem solution. And maybe we have taught this guy, Will, to be a problem solver. You're like the Boy Scouts. You're teaching people to always be prepared and you hate homosexuals. We're not quite as rapy as the Boy Scouts. Yeah.

Oh, that's pretty good. Jordan, if you were going to ask for one thing, what would it be, do you think? Oh, I mean, if we were at South by Southwest? We can try it out. I'll be a fan and you just be you, okay? Hey, aren't you Jordan Morris from Jordan Jesse Go? Yeah, can you ask the guys from

Yay Sayer to give me a foot rub? There's no need. There's a masseur in the press room. Yeah. That was tremendous. Did you do anything really good at South by Southwest, Helen? I went to a lot of talks about the internet and stuff like that because I don't drink either, really. So I don't, I'm not good at nightlife. I was impressed at how poor the quality of the talks was.

Well, sometimes it's nice to watch them and think, wow, is that all there is to doing a keynote? Why am I doing a keynote then? What also annoyed me is that a lot of the talks were going suck it gore yeah they were going hey if you want to if you've got an idea just do it and then make it big and then you can finance it yeah and so people go well how do you finance it and they go finance it just do it yeah just do the idea no i've spent you know six years of my life doing this bloody podcast i feel like it's actually a character flaw that has caused me just to do things that i like that don't make me any money and give me no future prospects no no stability at all so i feel like maybe i'm going to set myself up as a sort of demotivational

speaker i like that roman mars on our panel our friend Roman Mars who hosts the brilliant show 99% Invisible said it's the best time ever to be a podcaster but I'm not necessarily saying it's a good time to be a podcaster. We're all self punishing people. Did you see, I got to see a really lovely

documentary about high school basketball directed by our friend Davey Rothbart from Found Magazine, an old friend of ours. Sure. Regular guest on The Sound of Young America back in the olden times. Is that M-I-D-U-N-O-M? I knew it would come with an M. It was called Glendora, I want to say.

Glendora, I think. It's the name of a town in Indiana. I'm going with the M beginning. Three syllables ending with an A. It was a really lovely documentary about the high school basketball team of this town high school in rural Indiana where essentially the population of the town has dwindled to the point where there are only – there are less than 100 students in the high school. And so there – if I remember correctly, there are 33 boys in the high school. And they play against these high schools with 15,000 students. And so they had lost every game for two consecutive years.

So it was a documentary about the combination of the way that the industrial – the crumbling of the industrial economy has negatively affected these small towns to the point where they lose their identity you know because everybody's going to walmart and everybody's sending their kids to the regional high school um with the story of these sweet kids who are just trying to win one basketball game really nice film you see you see anything good yeah i saw actually quite a lot of sweet documentaries as well i saw one about harry dean stanton one about tiny houses one about a guy that was wrongfully imprisoned for 25 years for murdering his wife and two documentaries about pornography which meant that everyone thought i just spent the whole time at south by southwest a whole week just watching pornography did you not i mean you went to two yeah but that didn't

take up the whole week i had to fill the rest of the time with stuff about the future of tech well i just figured amateur pornography i'd only watch a documentary about it, not the actual stuff itself. So I saw one documentary which is about some hippies in Berlin that raise money for environmental causes by making and selling amateur porn

starring themselves and people that they meet in the street. And then they went, spoiler alert, they went to this small Amazonian tribe that they were trying to save

with the 400,000 euros they'd raised, which is a lot. I mean, it's about $600,000. And the tribe were like, we don't need your porn money. We need jobs. And so they had to go back home with the money, disappointed. And the other one I saw was about Buck Angel, who is... Can I ask about the Berlin hippies real quick?

Yes, sure. Are these people you would want to see in pornography? They looked like they had not washed in a really long time. Oh, okay. And they had a lot of piercings. And some piercings, particularly the one that's through the middle of your nose, make me really nervous because I just think if someone accidentally Yeah, that one makes me uncomfortable too.

A lot of that. I know exactly what you're talking about. The one that makes people look like a little piggy. Yeah, precisely. Personally, I don't see the appeal of that visually, but I guess it's just not for me. Yeah. It's not for me to buy their porn. It's for somebody to the tune of 400,000 euros.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you want some hippie porn, though, you're doing good for the environment. Can you fuck it? The nose ring? Yeah. Depends if it's big enough, I suppose.

I think maybe it's someone with just sensitive nose cartilage, and then while they're being, you know... You just flick it? Yeah, you just give it a little flick. Like you would a booger? Give it a little flick. What about those really horrifying ones that are like a huge tube through your earlobe? You can probably fuck that. Yeah.

Now you can fuck. Sure. You gotta be real careful, but you're not gonna... A gentle, tender fucking. Yeah, sure. Like a tender, sensual... Like anniversary fucking. Yeah, sure. Like a tender, sensual, like anniversary fucking. Yeah.

The other documentary is about Buck Angel, who is this very butch male porn star with a vagina. Wow. Yeah. I would imagine there's relatively few porn stars who are butch guys with vaginas. Yeah, I think he might be the only one. Because there is a whole genre of porn that is women who have penises. Yeah. Well, he's bucking the trend, as it were. And he has a very highly pierced wife

as well, so again, it was a slightly uncomfortable viewing experience because I was worried that she might get caught on a knitted sweater or something. Did you learn anything interesting about him and his lifestyle? Yeah, it was really moving, actually. It was a very interesting thing, a very interesting uh thing very interesting thesis about uh what gender means i suppose and how difficult it is to be a butch

porn star with a vagina growing up in a not understanding community and how also the testosterone can make your vagina quite cancerous oh dear uh but uh it seemed a happy ending and he was there at the screening so So he came out and cried afterwards. It was very emotional. Wow. That sounds very powerful. Right up there with that movie about the rural industrial teenagers that I saw. All grade A jerk-off material.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. MaximumFun.org is a co-sponsor of the 5th Annual Women in Comedy Festival. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. MaximumFun.org is a co-sponsor of the 5th Annual Women in Comedy Festival, happening this weekend in Boston. The festival kicks off Thursday, March 21st, with SNL alumni Rachel Dretsch and Horatio Sanz performing with other top improvisers from the UCB Theater. For comedy fans, the festival is an incredible opportunity to see some of the best comics working today,

not to mention some of my personal favorites, like Maria Bamford. For more information and tickets, visit www. womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com

www.womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com www.womenincomedyfestival.com It's Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I do. That's nice to know. I would have it on my phone right now if I had not already listened to this week's episode. Right, or if you hadn't been lying about listening to it every week. I listen to it every week. It's one of my favorite shows. I was very disappointed when you guys went on Christmas break. I'm so sorry for taking some time off at Christmas to enjoy Christmas with our families. Actually, Martin and I went on a road trip, of course, and avoided our families completely.

I hope you enjoyed your socialist paradise. Hey, guess what, guys? Support for Jordan and Jesse Go comes from Audible.com, provider of digital audiobooks and more. If you want to listen to it, Audible has it with more than 100,000 downloadable titles, including fiction, nonfiction, and periodicals. You'll find what you're looking for. Jordan and Jesse Go listeners might enjoy Lost at Sea by John Ronson. I enjoyed Lost at Sea, the non-audio version, and I will confirm that, yes, that is a terrific book, and I probably made a lot better by John Ronson reading it.

No, because John Ronson is a professional television host and radio host. And he's a droll fellow. He is. He's a delight. He's a delight, Jon Ronson. He is a delight. He was on our podcast. Oh. When was he on your podcast? It was about episode, it was in the 190s.

It was in the early 190s. Helen, by the way, has been podcasting for practically as long as we have. No. I mean, let's not get competitive, but you're younger than me and you've been podcasting for longer. Imagine how I feel. Listen, we're all babies compared to the Harry Potter fan fiction cast, okay? We'll never.

The grand dame of podcasting. There's a Harry Potter fan fiction. Hold on, you guys. Okay, sorry. For a free audio book of your choice and a free 30-day trial membership, go to audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. Audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. Audiblepodcast.com slash JJ Go. You can listen to Lost at Sea by John Ronson. Yeah, big endorsement for that.

That's a terrific book. I really enjoyed it. My only disappointment was – John Ronson wasn't reading it to you. Yeah. Is it not John Ronson? No, it is John Ronson reading it. If you have the audio book.

I read it in galleys. I'm not trying to brag or anything. But yeah, it's John Ronson reading it too. And that's pretty great. Because it's always better when the authors read it themselves. Although I listened to the audio book of Things the Grandchildren Should Know by Mr. E from the Eels. And it's not read by him. I think it's read by his bassist.

He does a pretty good impression of Mr. E. My husband and I listened to it on honeymoon. And everyone dies. him i think it's read by his bassist he does a pretty good impression of mr e and it's my husband and i listened to it on honeymoon and everyone dies i don't think it's too much of a spoiler of saying that every chapter someone did him dies he said i was gonna meet elliot smith for lunch then he stabbed himself in the chest and that kind of level of tragedy i'll tell you the only important person in his life who's not passed away is me. I see him sometimes at Trader Joe's. Do you? I do.

Do you ever think, I'll just buy him something to make up for all of the death? Get him some free sweets or something? Yeah, I probably should. That is actually a really good idea. Yeah. Maybe some wasabi peas? Yeah, like some wasabi peas. Yeah.

Who would object to that? Turkey jerky? Mm-hmm. Oh, how about this? Pre-cooked edamame. That. Hey. Oh, sure. Right? Because you can snack on that whenever the fuckky? Mm-hmm. Oh, how about this? Pre-cooked edamame. That. Oh, sure. Right?

Because you can snack on that whenever the fuck you want. Great snack. Yeah. And then you can make some cool synth pop rock. Yeah. Experimental.

I like the eels. Sure. Eels, excuse me. Not the eels. I'm so sorry. Eels, forgive me. Hey, one other thing I want to mention.

We haven't talked about it lately on Jordan, Jesse, Go. A little something called boatparty.biz. Yeah. We haven't talked about it lately on Jordan, Jesse, Go. A little something called BoatParty.biz. Yeah. Well, I talked about it last week and got some of the lineup wrong. I will say that the lineup at BoatParty.biz is the correct one. Yes.

And I apologize for my error. There was someone that had been in talks to appear that you had misremembered and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we have a totally amazing lineup. Yeah. I can't imagine you would be disappointed with this lineup. Maria Bamford, our friend Maria Bamford, one of the funniest people in the world, if not the funniest person in the world. Chuck Bryant from Stuff You Should Know podcast.

Chuck's going to come and do like a trivia thing. We haven't honestly decided. Chuck just said, can I come? And I was like, yeah, sure. You're a great guy, Chuck. Johnneel of the mountain goats uh dan deacon the brilliant electronic music super genius dan deacon whose shows are absolutely fucking ape shit bonkers in fact i am thinking that even though maybe maybe darneel is a little more maybe maybe deacon might not be the most famous person.

I kind of am thinking I'm going to have to have him go on last because of his reputation for completely burning down the house and leaving everyone in a pile of tears of joy and sweat. He's absolutely – for a long time, he would only perform in the audience so that he could get everyone to party with him and, like, jump up and down and dance and stuff. Completely wild thing. Hodgman, Hari Kondabalu, one of my favorite comedians. I've only just gotten to know in the last year or so. He's a writer on Kamau Bell's show on FX. Josie Long, who you know. She's my friend.

Yeah, absolutely. A brilliant English comedian. Right, wouldn't you say? Brilliant English comedian. Absolutely. Yeah, as good as it gets. And what a warm spirit she is

a winning personality she does have a winning personality she's an inspirational figure she is indeed well that's what we're looking for that's why

that's what you're gonna get that's why we're bringing in the who moved my cheese guy inspired you to put your cheese in a more sensible place yes exactly he said why not put it in the cheese drawer

there's a cheese drawer in your refrigerator. But have you thought about putting it in the salad crisper? Our friend Al Madrigal, the man of a thousand voices, from The Daily Show, of course. Mark Maron from WTF. Nellie Mackay,

the beautiful and charming songstress. Nellie Mackay. What an interesting mix of Maron and Mackay. You've got to get Maron and Mackay. What an interesting mix of Marin and Mackay. Yeah. Oh, you got to get Marin and Mackay together. They're two of America's most beloved eccentrics. Eugene Merman. How about that?

Eugene's never been to one of these things. Yeah, Merman's great. Has he ever been on a boat? He's probably been on a boat. But it might have been a flat-bottom, like, glass observational boat. Yeah. Or one of those swing boats. Like in Cancun.

At a playground. Oh, yeah. One of those swing boats at Like in Cancun. At a playground. Oh, yeah. One of those swing boats at a playground. Absolutely. Our friend Jasper Redd, a hilarious guest on this show. John Roderick. Kurt and Kristen. Did you hear that Kurt Braunohler from Kurt and Kristen, the other Kristen is Kristen

Shaw, of course, that he kickstarted a project to have a skywriter write a joke he thought of. That's great. So in a couple of weeks here in Los Angeles, a skywriter is going to write on the sky, how do I land? Oh, yeah. I mean, fuck the Veronica Mars movie. That's what you use Kickstarter for. And Nick Thune, one of those guys, I would say Nick Thune, Jasper Redd, both those guys

fall in the category of too handsome to be so funny. Sure, absolutely. Very handsome men. So maybe you could beat him up a little bit. Yeah, just rub him pretty off. Pirate style, international waters. Anyway, you can go to boatparty.biz if you want to find out more information. Sign up for the email list.

We already beat Mark McGrath. I think I'm going to invite Mark McGrath on the thing. What else is he doing? Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Keeps winning Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Frosting his tips. I think that would be a great olive branch. Because I feel like-

He was probably the reason he had to cancel the Mark McGrath and Friends cruise starring Smash Mouth is because- Wonderful friends. And the spin doctors. And the spin doctors. And the Spin Doctors. Really? Yeah. Is this boat just straight from the late 90s? I think I could.

Yeah, it was in the Bermuda Triangle. It got caught. And now it's just emerging from the hellscape. Now that our music host, John Roderick, has taken such a strong stand against punk rock in the pages of his local alternative newspaper, I think that probably means that he wants to do some duets with Mark McGrath, right? Yeah. So let's do it.

Let's bring McGrath in. Yeah. If I'm extrapolating correctly. Yeah. My geometry isn't perfect, but I believe that it means- Is that Mark McGrath is punk rock? Yeah. No, Mark McGrath is the opposite of punk rock, right?

Oh, sure. And so- So John Rodson- John Roderick- John Roderick would wanterick would be into it. Yeah. Into duetting with him. Sure.

I'm going to invite McGrath. Do it. Right. Be the better man. This week, I'm inviting McGrath at my expense. Wow. Out of pocket.

If anybody out there, out of pocket, I'll buy his plane ticket, I'll let him cruise. Yeah. You'll have a whole jar of L.A. looks gel in his cabin.

To be fair, you can get a gallon of LA Looks gel for 99 cents. That's the olive branch. I mean, it's not, you know, it's the thought. It's more symbolic. What color? Pink or green? Green. Green.

Yeah. I've got a question about the boat party. Yeah. And this is genuinely out of interest. It's not that I'm thinking of setting up a rival one because I'm not. Where do you get a boat from? They run regularly. They already exist.

This is not a... I don't have to build the boat. No, but I mean, where do you get... As an adult, how do you get a cruise ship at your own disposal, say? Well, there will be some other people on the cruise ship. Do you just... They just won't be invited to all the cool events and stuff. Oh, they're not coming to your party.

They're not sitting. They've got to stay and play shuffleboard. All of our rooms. Well, we're going to be playing shuffleboard. There's going to be a shuffleboard tournament. Yeah, but they can't play your shuffleboard. No, they cannot participate in our tournament. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. You can have a cabaret singer. Basically, all of our rooms are in one area of the boat altogether. Right. And then we have special rooms where we go and hang out and do stuff and special performance rooms where we go to the shows. But there will, there are other,

I mean, unless this goes a lot better than I expect it to, then there will be other people on the boat because, you know, the boat sleeps 5,000 people or something like that. Well, you could probably fill that. Well, we might have 1,000 or 1,500. Yeah.

Within a couple years i mean i think the bare naked ladies cruise they get the whole boat oh totally yeah they got the presidents of the united states of america you got it so that's four new bare naked ladies four presidents of the united states of america so that's eight yeah i mean that's i mean let's i mean we can take down mcgrath fine but the bare naked ladies that's one fucking mid-90s heritage act we don't want to mess with. I'll tell you what. One time I made a joke about the Barenaked Ladies on Jordan Jesse Go.

I got a fucking barrage of emails. A fucking barrage of emails. From the.ca addresses. Yes. I think I said that the Barenaked Ladies were a band beloved by genial dorks, which is pretty much the definition of the Barenaked Ladies were a band beloved by genial dorks. Which is pretty much the definition of the Barenaked Ladies. What's wrong with that? And then the genial dorks turned out not to be so genial.

Yeah, they got real not genial real quick on my emails. Do not call me genial, Jesse Thorne. They were tweeting the shit out of me. If you ever tweet about Chris Brown as well, even if you don't at reply him, there must be people just searching for Chris Brown all the time. And those are two common words. Yeah. So they're really filtering.

And then they go for you. Yeah. They were right at my neck. Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight with the Barenaked Ladies. I'm going to invite McGrath on the cruise. Great. There. It's done.

Can he send the lead singer of Smash Mouth in his stead? No. Okay. I will not accept the lead singer of Smash Mouth in his stead no I will not accept the lead singer of Smash Mouth they're too much of bad I bet Mark McGrath is a nice guy that's why I think he probably is I feel like they're musical I bet he is

Smash Guy I think he is Smash Guy is his name I think if you're talking about... Smash Guy is his name. I think if you're talking niceness to badness of music, I bet they're jockeying neck and neck for both of those. Right. I bet the guy, I mean, there was, Cracker was

on that cruise. Now, there's no doubt that Cracker is the band, out of all the bands that were on the cruise, that I would most like to have on our cruise. However... Because you want them to play their note-for-note cover of Tusk. Well, I would probably want them to play Camper Van Beethoven songs. Sure. Because, you know, we went to college in Santa Cruz.

That's Santa Cruz's only famous band ever. Yeah. You know, so show some respect for Cracker. But I would say I kind of feel the reason I want to invite McGrath, besides that I think he's probably a nice guy and he always does so well on Celebrity Jeopardy. And he's still going with the blonde tips.

Confident they'll come back in. And he still won't wear a shirt. He wears a shirt, right? He usually doesn't wear a shirt. He's got a gorgeous torso. I mean, a manhole. I guess I think of him as a heterosexual man, I would love to rub. He's got a gorgeous torso. I mean, a manhole. I guess I think of him. As a heterosexual man, I would love to rub my dick up and down his torso. Great.

That's why you're watching him on the cruise. Heterosexually. Yeah. But I think we invite him. Yeah. What could go wrong? He might get seasick. Yeah.

That could go wrong. I mean, he comes and none of the babes pay any attention to you. That's going to happen. You know what? I'm a married man. mean, he comes and none of the babes pay any attention to you. That's because they're all... You know what? I'm a married man. No, that's right. I got a child. My junk doesn't even work anymore.

Sure. I say we just get McGrath. And best case scenario for me, honestly, any babes that are interested in me, I just shunt them off to McGrath. Say, McGrath is over there. Go frost his tips. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's nice that you're doing him a favor

to make up for the fact that you took away his cruise. That's what I feel. I feel bad about ruining his... Ultimately, end of the day, he's the guy whose cruise I ruined by making him our rival and then destroying it within two days.

So you're going to get him some tail? Yeah. Are we done? Yeah. You're a good guy. I'm going to go. I'll send, I'm going to send a tweet. When we leave this studio, I'm going to send a tweet and make sure Mark McGrath knows that

he is invited to BoatParty.biz. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You don't need to come up with a new nickname. Really? I thought visiting professor was great. Visiting professor was a really good one. See, now I just feel like, you know. You're fine. You're fine. I'm giving you a promotion. Now you're adjunct.

Adjunct faculty. Hey, I've got tenure? Yeah. Yes. Well, you don't have tenure yet. That's why you're adjunct. Oh, I don't understand how the American system works. Well, first you're adjunct, then you get tenure.

Does it mean I get a working visa? Oh, yeah. You can totally get a visa. Good. I'm going to take this as official. Yeah, and look're adjunct, then you get tenure. Does it mean I get a working visa? Oh, yeah. You can totally get a visa. Good. So I'm going to take this as official. Yeah. Look how gorgeous the weather is outside. Enjoy some Obamacare on us.

Well, thank you. Helen, you know all about taking calls on your show because you take many a call and email to generate the questions, which you then answer. That's right. That's how it works. On our show, we ask that people call when something momentous happens for our segment Momentous Occasions.

They give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. And let's just go straight to the calls. Here's our first caller. Hey, guys. This is Katie in Oregon, and I am 24 years old, and I just got my license.

This is huge for me because this has been my biggest phobia for forever. I hated driving, and I am now a licensed driver. Congratulations. And I am super, super excited. Love the show. Bye. Can I say something about driving a car? Yeah.

I learned to drive when I was about 20. I grew up in San Francisco, similar to London. There's not really much reason to drive a car. Did you feel like a late bloomer at 20? I did, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Because I'm 32, which means, you know, now. It felt exactly the same to me as it would have felt if I had learned when I was 32.

Yeah, mine would be like the 40-year-old virgin but with learning to drive. Yeah, well, my mom didn't learn to drive until she was in her mid-40s. Why did she bother at that point? Well, she got a teaching job out of town. Right. So she had to drive to it or take the bus for four hours. So she learned. Yeah, she learned to drive.

But I will say this about learning to drive. Yeah, she learned to drive. But I will say this about learning to drive. I guess you get a more fulfilling driving experience or something from a manual transmission. That's what people who drive manual transmissions say a lot. I mean, it's great when you stall on a hill. What could be better than that? But I will just say that if you stick with an automatic transmission, driving is shockingly easy.

It is almost – For how deadly it can be. That's true. For the potential for disaster. But seriously, like I took – and I think it was a very good call for me to take a professional driving lesson. I found a reputable driving school. I took two lessons that were each 60 or 90 minutes, something like that. And I learned how to drive. It was that easy. Now she can tool around Oregon.

Yeah. Well, now I'm feeling embarrassed. You can go to Ashland. I'm dependent on others if I want to tool around Oregon. Yeah, you gotta... I've made some bad life decisions. What if Martin Smartens Up dumps you like a hot potato? It's gonna happen. Then how are you gonna go on road trips? I guess I'll have to do like your mom.

He's going to meet a laser groupie because he works with lasers. He used to work with lasers. Now he does something that I cannot explain very briefly at all. He used to laser cancers. And now that he doesn't do that, he has a much less succinct job. A special kind of pornography that involves butch men with vaginas. It's going really well. Shooting lasers.

Let's hear our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Gus. This is Colin in Brooklyn. I just had a momentous occasion, kind of steeped in pathos. I was driving home, and there was a Latin American teenage girl who was doing some skateboard tricks, and she kick-flipped her skateboard right into the middle of the street and the guy in front of me just ran right over

and it cracked in two. And the girl looked so sad. I felt so bad for her. Well, she shouldn't have been playing in the road. But I felt like she was going to go home and listen to a Morrissey song or something to work it out. And her mom was with her too

and her mom looked like, oh shit, got to buy a new skateboard now. Anyway, I thought I'd share that because I witnessed that universal moment by myself. That's something momentous happening to somebody else. It's like Colin is just the witness to momentousness, not the participant. Did you hear the 99% invisible about skateboarding in cities?

No. Beautiful 99% invisible. It made me very sensitive to the issues of people who skateboard in cities. No. Beautiful 99% invisible. Made me very sensitive to the issues of people who skateboard in cities. But at the same time, as a non-skateboarder, I have a really hard time getting up any pathos for anyone on a skateboard. I hesitate to call it a universal moment

because to me, skateboarding looks like the boringest thing in the history of the world. Both as a... All everyone's doing is just sort of jumping two inches in the air and then falling. That's all the skateboarding. Whenever you see someone skateboarding, they're either going somewhere, in which case they should just get a bicycle, or they're trying to do a little tiny trick. Like a trick that to someone who doesn't skateboard seems like the most dopey, pathetic, tiny thing.

I'm sure it's super, super hard. I'm not suggesting otherwise. But then not being able to do it. Like you never see someone out there skateboarding and they do something. You're like, hey, that was pretty fucking cool. You're just like, yeah, well, I guess he did that weird little thing. I guess he put his for skateboard impressiveness is when I hang out with the aforementioned Chris Fairbanks, who a lifelong skateboarder. And, you know, there's that stuff like at the X Games where the guys, you know, the guys go off the world's biggest ramp and they do a flip.

And like anyone can appreciate that. Anybody can see if somebody does a fucking flip, like a flip in any context. Sure. If somebody does a fucking flip, like a flip in any context, you can jump on a fucking trampoline and do a flip and it's still impressive even though anybody could jump on a trampoline and do a flip. Continue. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But he could not be less impressed by that and just wants to watch like a guy with dreadlocks jump from the street to like the top of a stair.

Yeah. And yeah, and like he will sit down and explain to me why that's more impressive. And I don't know. I kind of like that about it. I like how there's that barrier to entry. I think we were talking about Reddit a little bit on the last show and that being just like so intentionally baffling. And I think that's what impressive – that's like what kids like so much about skateboarding is that it is baffling to everybody who's not super, super into it. No, that's very fair.

Yeah. Well, I think that's sort of an optimistic interpretation. I think kids like skateboarding because it gets them out into the fresh air and also they can't, they're not allowed on other wheels. That's true. The 99% Invisible was based around what they call Love Plaza in Philadelphia, which is the plaza where the famous love statue is. And it was a destination for many, many of apparently of the great skateboard videos of the 1980s, early 1990s because it was, you know, iconic place and also a great place to skateboard. And they de-skateboardified it. Because it was an iconic place and also a great place to skateboard.

And they de-skateboardified it. And to protest this, the guy who designed the plaza, who at the time was in his 80s, I think, had a press conference in the plaza, said, I think that public spaces should be used for what people want to do in them. And I think that it's the public's right to use this as a skateboarding area if that's what they want to do in it. They can deal drugs if that's what they want. I think it's a beautiful use of the space, and this 90-year-old man got on a skateboard, stood on a skateboard and had someone pull him on the skateboard in the plaza and said they should arrest him if they wanted to. That's cute.

What do we got? One more call? Two more calls? One or two? Jesus Christ, Lindsay. No, let's do one. That's cute. What do we got? One more call? Two more calls? One more? One or two? Jesus Christ, Lindsay. No, let's do one. Let's play it. Hi, Jordan. Yes, you go. This is Anne from Denver calling with a momentous occasion. I was stopped at a red light a couple of minutes ago and at the opposite side of the intersection was one of those self-service car washes. And there were about six middle school kids in one of the self-service bays popping quarters into the machine and

making their own little water park with the water hose and the soap hose. Very resourceful. And the kicker, one of the middle school kids had one of those scary it clown masks. Pretty great. Cool. Love the show. Bye. That is great. Yeah. That's the kind of magic that makes this a wonderful

world to live in. Yeah, I like, I really, really love that kind of that kind of middle school ingenuity. I think it's like the kids, these kids were younger than middle school, but it's like the kids I saw a couple weeks ago trying to catch the squirrel in the box. That like, I think it's like the kids – these kids were younger than middle school but it's like the kids I saw a couple weeks ago trying to catch the squirrel in the box. I think everybody has this – when everybody talks about young people, like the idea is that they're just sitting in front of an iPad all day or something.

But I think, yeah, I like the idea that kids around that age will always just want to go out and fuck around. When was the last time you went on an adventure, grown up who's complaining? You just sit around all day watching your fucking Netflix streaming. Sure. You know what I mean? These fucking children. What's great about a 12-year-old is that they're old enough that they are capable of doing some shit.

Yeah, they can be by themselves without dying. Yeah, they can have a pocket knife. You know what I mean? Sure. But they're not so old that they no longer have dreams. knife. You know what I mean? But they're not so old that they no longer have dreams. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like around 14, you get to high school, you're like, oh, this is what fucking life is.

You get very cynical. Yeah, and then you're just like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to listen to sad music on my headphones and shut myself off from the world. But when you're 12, you are both capable of and interested in making a sweet ass fort. Sure. And yeah, definitely. I think it goes along perfectly with skateboarding in that it's always really fun when you know you're using something for something it wasn't intended to be used for.

Because then you're fucking living on your terms. Sure, exactly. Yeah, that's always really impressive. Sticking it to the mom. terms. Sure, exactly. Yeah, that's always really impressive. Sticking it to the man. If you want to use that public bench as a place to jump

two inches in the air and hit some part of your skateboard on something and then go back down into regular skateboarding, I learned that from Tony Hawk. That's one of my favorite moves. Is that one of his sweetest moves? That's probably his most famous move is where he jumps two inches in the air, puts the metal part of his skateboard on some bullshit, and then just comes back down and doesn't fall over.

That sounds amazing. Sure. That's a really high-scoring move in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3. Oh, totally. And if you can string that with a few other- You can combo that with a couple of ollies. Yeah, that's impressive. If you can combine that with a grind on a rail.

I mean, if you can just grind on a rail. Just grind a rail, man. Do you have to stand on the skateboard for that to count or could you just carry the skateboard down a rail? Oh, absolutely not. I do not. Now, again, I am not a skateboarding. Are we talking about the scoring system for Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3? I am not an expert in skateboarding, you guys, and I want to make that clear.

However, I'm pretty sure that it's about which different things you touch with the skateboard without falling over. It's about which different things you touch with the skateboard without falling over. So it's irrelevant whether you're on the skateboard. You could go through a really great skateboarding move is if you go into like TJ Maxx or Marshalls, Ross. You take your skateboard and you just run down the aisle, down all the clothes because you get a thousand points for each clothing that you touch your skateboard to without falling over. Yeah, basically you do that once and you have a Red Bull sponsorship. Yeah, that's the X Games. That's the whole X Games is just people just going apeshit in a Ross. That sounds easy.

Maybe I'm more sporty than I thought. And the best part is the values. Oh, I mean, absolutely. I mean, those are designer brands. Those are designer labels. When you talk about designer brands at prices you can afford and you talk about extreme sports, you can combine them in Ross flipping, which is what it's called. It's called Ross flipping. Sure.

If you get involved in- Oh, you're thinking of house flipping. That's what Vanilla Ice does. No, that's where they do it in the homeware section. Okay. Oh, right, right, right. Well, we've explained skateboarding for you, and now we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, spy. Oh, shit. This whole time? You've been a mole this whole time? Oh, fuck.

I swear to God, if you go blabbing what goes on here to Nerdist. I've got a pen gun. Do not cross me. So I'll just go back to Russia and report on what I've found. Not with that microfiche, you won't. Sam, why didn't I just use proper files, not microfiche? Why do I have to stick with the old ways? It's got a retro classic charm.

I'm not really a retro maniac. It's not like my phone looks old but is new. My phone is actually old because my husband bought it on eBay. It's one of my phone looks old but is new. My phone is actually, well, it is actually old because my husband bought it on eBay. It's one of those transparent ones with colorful wires in it. But it's not a modern reproduction phone that actually works well. That is funny. I would go on eBay to buy one of those ones with the

transparent with the colorful wires. That would be funny if there was like a spy who is like the spy equivalent of the guy you know, in the bow tie and suspenders muddling things into a cocktail. It's like, listen, I still like microfilm. Hey, I've got 400 sheets of paper shoved up my rectum. I know we could do this with drones.

He's like, listen, just teletype it to me. Right. Teletype it to me. I have to sort through my fake mustaches. I do not have an email. Send it via teletype. Apropos of fake mustaches, why are they popular? Internationally, it's here. In Britain

there are moustaches on everything. Are there? That's a rubbish trend. Yeah, it's exhausting. Wait, and just on people? On, like, cups? Pencils? Notepaper? T-shirts? Yeah, that's dumb. Yeah, it's very dumb. That's why Jesse had to get rid of his moustache, because he didn't want to be seen to be following the trend.

Yeah, definitely. God, the people I feel the worst for are the index finger mustache tattoo people. I mean, that. They're never going to regret that. I know. Or any other tattoo on their index finger. Yeah. You might as well have the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby tattooed on you. Let me show you my back.

Oh, Helen, I'm sorry. You might as well have one of Vanilla Ice's signature chandeliers tattooed on you. Has he got a chandelier company now? He's got a line of chandeliers. Look, we've got to wrap this thing up. I've got to go and launch my line of chandeliers. Helen Zaltzman is from the delightful podcast Answer Me This. Find it in your iTunes.

I really enjoy it. It really sincerely is one of my favorite shows. It's really great to have you here. It's a delight to be here. AnswerMeThisPodcast.com if you don't care for iTunes because there's something wrong with you. Yeah, or just type it into the internet, Answer Me This. It's a fun show, Jordan, where they get questions from the audience, both sort of advicey questions and knowledge questions. Yeah.

And they explain things. What's a good example of something you've explained recently? Oh. We don't have to explain it because we'll leave that for the podcast. Right. Well, we get asked a lot about the origins of phrases and stuff. What have we explained? We explained why brides throw bouquets.

Yeah. See, this is the kind of information you need to know. Yeah. Because you're often at a wedding just thinking, why? Why are they doing that? Everything else makes sense, but why that? Needless to say, you also get emails from people who are concerned they're trapped in the friend zone a lot of friend zoning and um i know this from the mackleroy brothers that constitutes 75 of all advice questions in the world right is just people

concerned they're they've been trapped in the friend zone yeah if you're concerned then you probably have been and by people i mean 21 year old nerdy guys. Well, ours is 14-year-olds. They start early in Britain. Yeah. They get started. It's a sluttier nation. Yeah, it is. It really is.

I think I'll confirm that I think friend zone issues start at around 13 and continue until death. It's because girls are cruel. And also, they develop faster than boys. So I think a 13-year-old boy is more likely to get friend zoned. By the time the boy is 17, he's got a really nice set of jugs. Or a skateboard. To make up for it.

Hey, everybody, come on the Boat Party. Boatparty.biz. We're looking forward to the Max Fun Drive at the beginning of April. We'll have special guests and all kinds of cool stuff, so if you're not already a supporter of the show, we'll make it worth your while, I promise. We'll talk to you. Oh, Lindsay Pavlis on the boards this week, in addition to Brian Fernandez, our editor and producer.

Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Thanks to them for that. Go buy a Free Design album. It's beautiful, wonderful music. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.