Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 268: Midler and Johnson's with Biz Ellis

Episode Date: March 25, 2013

One Bad Mother co-host, Biz Ellis joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of seedy adult books stores that sell potions, raising a child speaking swedish, Biz's one-eyed rescue cat Onion, and Richmond Virginia's plethora of civil war memorials.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Spring has sprung in Los Angeles. Mm-hmm. Uh, bunnies? They're everywhere.

Eggies? Absolutely. Christ? Sure. He's up and at them. Uh-huh. Hanging out. He's real stressed out because it's pilot season, though. I'm wearing my adventure pants. Oh, yeah?

How are those suited for adventure? They seem just like normal khakis to me. Oh, absolutely not. Said the other character in the adventure pants TV commercial. Now, wait a minute. Those just seem like normal khakis. Well, for one thing, you can't see this right now, but you got a reinforced seat.

And you got a reinforced area where you might find thigh-to-thigh wear. Okay. Like, I'm not going to be vulgar. This isn't that kind of show. No. If this is your first time listening, this is that kind of show. And then you got a set of buttons at the bottom so you can tighten up the cuff size so you can tuck into your boot as necessary. Or close around your boot.

If you're in like a, you know, a rundown shed and there's a lot of rats, you're worried about a rat crawling up your pant leg. Or a snake. You just cinch it up. Let's say you're in a cobra situation. God forbid. But yes, I mean, that happens. Like, I'm going to say a market in Cairo. Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? A market scene. Yeah. There's peddlers everywhere. Here, I'll set the scene. Dates! We're selling dates and pots. That's it.

That's all we sell here. Then you hear... Oh, boy. That's when you cinch up the leg. Then you button that extra button, close it down, you're ready for adventure. Ain't no cobras getting in there. Absolutely not. Jordan and Jesse Go, brought to you by Adventure Pants.

Let's bring our guest... It was all a well-scripted commercial. Let's bring in our guest this week. She is the host of one of the newest MaxFun podcasts. We have two amazing new podcasts at MaximumFun.org. She is a longtime sketch comedian, a

relatively recent transplant to Southern California. Her name is Biz Ellis. Hey, Biz. Hi. She is the host of One Bad Mother, a new show about mothering. It's been very hard to sit here and keep my mouth shut as you guys do your obvious intro banter. I know that you have a lot of Cairo marketplace material.

It's probably hard not to chime in. It really was difficult. But I will ask you about the pants from just a design standpoint. Would it be better to cinch if it was a cinch feature versus a button feature? I prefer to do it old school. It's a little classy. These pants actually are probably, I'm thinking late 60s, early 70s, from the old Abercrombie and Fitch. Abercrombie and Fitch used to be a safari outfitter before they were what they are today.

I think there's people out there who think I'm joking. I'm not. That's a pretty huge shift. Yeah, well. But I guess probably a financially sound one. Yeah, well, they went out of business. As demand for safari stuff goes. Safaris versus safari sexy, because it's a much sexier safari now.

It's a much like... You know what's intense about Abercrombie & Fitch now? The guys with the big muscles that stand out on the corner. Sure. Like, they're not even inside the store now. Yeah, they're just hanging out. They're out there. They're just busting out like they're a chest.

You're wondering. Hitting up on you. You're wondering, is he working for Abercrombie or the Orange Julius next door? It's hard to say. He could be working for the hot dog on a stick and he's just got plunger muscles. It's just a newer. For making that fresh squeezed lemonade. I don't know what you guys are complaining about.

He could also be there to beat off the Cobras, but I don't know. That's true. Is there Cobras at Abercrombie and Fitch? Well, it depends on what mall you're in. A mall is basically a modern bazaar. Right? That's true. Pots, dates, Orange Julius, Sparrow's Pizza.

Sure. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Sony store? I saw the other day in a strip mall here in Southern California. In a strip mall in Southern California, anything could be there. You could have a Tiffany's next to a medicinal marijuana store, next to a bong store. That's in competition.

You can buy bongs at the medicinal marijuana store. Or Tiffany's. Or Tiffany's. For your wedding. Right, exactly. It comes in that classic blue bag. That's right. That's right.

The wedding bong. What better way to say I love you? You can have a Christian bookstore inside a kebab shop. Like anything can happen in a strip mall in Southern California. But what was going on in this strip mall was a big kind of low-rent adult bookstore. A low-rent adult bookstore. Yes. Not a classy one.

Not to be confused with your kind of lesbian-owned. Oh, right, right, right, right. Good vibrations type. Yeah, or with like City Lights books. Okay, you're right. From Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Sure. Like it's not a, the subject, when I say adult, I mean pornographic.

Okay. Oh. And it had a huge sign that said adult bookstore, peep show. And then underneath it said books, DVDs, novelties, potions. Like whoopee cushions. Oh, potions. Potions. Potions.

Well, you've got it. It is a store that sells two types of pornography. Right. One type of fuck aid, and magic potions. So like a lot of hemlock, eye of newt. Right. I have no idea. You're going to go in and ask? No.

What sort of adventure pants? If I need that kind of stuff, I'm going to go to Extreme Restraints. Sure. Potions.. Potions? Love potions? Yeah. Maybe the average. Yeah, like maybe the average adult novelty user would like to make up it, up the game to a long-term relationship.

Right. And would therefore need a potion. That's true. You know who I think owns the store? Which? Bette Midler, specifically. Oh. Specifically Bette Midler.

Famous witch, Bette Midler. She's wearing a lot of purple. Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Is that what she's up to these days?

Running a porno store? Yeah. You don't think she's behind the counter? No. She's in the back room. She's a silent partner. She's in the peep show. She's in the peep. She's a silent partner. She's in the peep show. She's in the peep show.

The peep show is you put in a quarter and the screen raises and it's Bette Midler in a very classy gown. Yeah. Just sitting there. Singing some of her favorite show tunes. Yeah, just sitting there. And you can jack off if you want to. It's the Bogey Bogey Bugle Boy of Company B. Ugh.

That was me having an orgasm because she did such a lively rendition of one of her signature hits. She's a real diva. And a classy diva. I don't know about you guys, but I only jerk it to divas. Specifically VH1 divas? Well, I mean, that helps. But I mean, I'm not going to deny a modern diva. Adam Lambert's VH1 divas, which is the newest.

VH1 divas. Is he the newest VH1 Divas. Is he a diva? Is he the first male diva? He is like the host of it. The diva. Wow. I only know this from, I was on a subway in New York and I saw, I only know this from having taped it. Right.

And watching it until the tape stretched out. I taped it on a VHS. I saw a poster for it in a subway in New York. Oh. Adam Lambert. So he hosts VH1 Divas.

Wow. Well, that's his name, right? I guess I've got to start jerking it to Lambert. I don't think he was the first. I think, what's that little

Canadian gay guy? Well, let's narrow it down. Boy, I don't know. Don't talk that way about Rick Moranis. He's a lovely wife.

Is it Martin Short? It might be Martin Short. From American Idol. Oh, God, I don't know. You know, the little gay one that all the housewives love. With the red hair and he sang a lot of Barry Manilow. That one? Chet?

Chet? Chet Friendly. Chet Baker. Somebody Aiken. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken. Okay. Clay Aiken, I think he was on Divas first.

Okay. So they're just kind of passing Divas from pleasant gay guy to pleasant non-threatening gay guy. Is Adam Lambert pleasant? I don't know. You're out of my wheelhouse. I can only judge him by his outfits. I can tell you, Clay Aiken definitely seems pleasant. Oh, he's very nice, I think.

I think that's like one of his top things, right? He's the gay boy next door. Yeah, he's like your, he's the gay friend from band that you had a crush on in high school. Right, right. He understood everything and then it was a disappointment 20 years later. He's fun and he's not going to say anything too political, which will make anyone

uncomfortable. Yeah, especially since he's one of them. Sure, right? You know what? I think they're really fun. Just don't throw it in my face. That's my philosophy. But I'm going to start jerking off to you now. Yeah. And I won't throw it

in your face because I'm polite. That's right. But Lambert, I've never watched American Idol. No, that's not true. I watched it one time

when my wife's cousin was on. But besides that... Your wife's cousin was on? Yeah. She wasn't like one of the main people on it. She like one of the main people on it. She was one of the main people

on P. Diddy making the band though. What? Yeah. Alright, I gotta leave. I gotta go back to... It seems like you... They would have a clause

where you couldn't be on two singing reality shows. She didn't go that deep into American Idol. She made it to like 64. She made it to the thing right before you get to sing

a whole song on TV a whole song like still in the hotel room like they showed her singing William William Hung is that your wife's cousin yes okay William Hung um but yeah I think Adam Lambert all I know really about him is his outfits and they're very unpleasant okay they're very very unpleasant I guess I I my immediate thought is he's kind of like a Criss Angel type. A lot of eyeliner. That's exactly. A lot of onks. Maybe it's related to the potions.

Oh, that's true. I'm starting to think about that. I would go to Adam Lambert's adult novelty store. Now, if you're saying who should have an adult. Because you want to put a vibrating onk up your butt. Yes. An Erykah Badu brand vibrating ankh. You don't really want it as a necklace because then when things are happening, you just have this ankh hitting you in the head the entire time, which would be very impressive.

Sure. I think that this is a good way for us to make money. We find celebrities to become minority partners in adult bookstores. Because if there's any business that's on its way up, it's adult bookstores. The apocalypse,

no matter what, there will be adult bookstores. Yes. And then they're the face. It's like when, you know, it's like when the Texas Rangers

had George W. Bush as one of their owners. You take a million dollars from the person or whatever, but you give him five million, him or her, five million dollars worth of the business. This is a very successful adult bookstore. Yeah. And then they're sort of the front. Magic Johnson with the Los Angeles Dodgers is a perfect example. Here's a guy who's beloved in Los Angeles.

They need someone to trick taxpayers into giving free subsidies to help build sports stadiums and shit. They just sign up Magic. Because no one wants the press conference, some old guy who's president of a textile company. Yeah, you give him. You want Magic Johnson. You take $800,000 of that TGI Friday's money. You give them $10 million worth of adult bookstore. In fact, I think

Magic would be the perfect guy for this. He's already all about safe sex. Sure. Right. The publicist said you've got that behind him. There's a free VHS at the video store that we can all check out if we're looking for proof. Right, right. Sure. He's got the cred. He already has it. It's there.

I think this business is ready to take off. Yeah. But what happened to Bette Midler? Are we just cutting her out of the deal altogether? Oh, jeez. Have we cut her out? I like Bette Midler much more than I like Magic Johnson. I do like Bette Midler. Well, wear a purple well. Guys, team up. Midler and Johnson's. Midler and

Johnson's. Midler and Johnson's fuckatorium. Where are you headed? I'm headed down to the MJ. Yeah. That's nice. And the sign is them standing back to back, looking at each other like, what's his deal? And then what's her deal? Only the sign is Magic Johnson from like the torso up.

And then it's just the top two inches of Bette Midler's head. Sure. Because Magic Johnson is 6'10". That would be pretty good. I like that. You could feel both comfortable and energized at the same time. I like that. Just depending on who energizes you more.

Yeah. I mean, you could be surprisingly good at passing for a big man, or you could be unsurpassedly brassy. Right. Brassy women need, you know, pleasurable items and novelties just like tall, large men. Who needs a French tickler as much as a brassy woman? Nobody. Nobody. A Frenchman

perhaps. Sure. You know, a particular, a Frenchman with who's not, who doesn't have very sensitive skin. Or a Frenchman facing a tickle or die ultimatum. Sure. What happens all the time in the Foreign Legion.

Sure. Join the French Foreign Legion. In the sands of Tunisia. Right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, movies also did i forget to say action movies every week i'll be joined by mr ricky calmona ms ria butcher and we are going to chat about films we're going to tell jokes we're going to be hilarious we're going to play games we're going to have guests we're going to give reviews it's going to blow your mind if you want to listen to the show you can find it at maximumfun.org

or you can subscribe on itunes can you believe how many things i just listed so many things wow on iTunes. Can you believe how many things I just listed? So many things. Wow! That's great. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bizella's awesome. I wasn't prepared for that. That just comes out automatic.

If somebody just points at me, awesome comes out. That's my just killer instinct. No, you're a big point fan. I am. I like to point. You're brassy, much like Miss Bette Midler. That's right. I wouldn't go as far as to say you're a diva because you haven't met Adam Lambert yet.

Okay. But you're brassy. Lambert's got the final call on that. Yeah. I mean, that's not us. I know. It's not. I mean.

Please. It is not up to us who is a diva. I appreciate that. Although, Celine is a diva one way or the other, right? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. She was like the first, but she's a very big... Probably the greatest diva of all time, right? The most powerful.

Yeah. The Frenchiest. Yeah. That's true. The one with the funniest little French voice. No, there are bigger divas than Celine Dion. Really? Well, physically, yes. Yeah, well, that's true, because I've seen the drag races. I guess

it's like, what is the criteria for a diva? Barbra Streisand. That's what I'm trying to think of. Okay. Right? I feel like the criteria for a diva is how much are you like Celine Dion. Right. That's my criterion.

Anyway, it's one criterion. All right. All right. That's my criterion collection. Thank you on Hulu Plus. Have you guys noticed? I have a quick question. Sure. If any listeners out there can clarify this thing for me.

It's something going on in our office right now. There is a roll of bubble wrap that is the size of a micro car. You know what a micro car is? One of those cars with three wheels? One of those Clooney cars. A little rinky dinky, a little, yeah. One of those Clooney cars. Yeah, like a little rinky-dinky, ring-a-ding-ding. This bubble wrap is the size of something that George Clooney would drive around in. It is literally like four or five feet across.

Uh-huh. It is huge. It's like an industrial... This is in the office? It's very large. Yeah, it's right in the front room. Oh, I didn't see it. I have no idea what it is for.

Let's just turn it off and go look real quick and come back. Yeah, I literally... Oh, I'll probably pop some. It's very fun. It's fun. Oh, yeah. Have you guys ever just laid it out and just run? Like slip and slide?

Yeah. Well, it's with your. You could. You got to wet it first. Yeah. You got to moisten it. That really gets you going. You got to do soap and water if you really want slip and slide.

I've never done that. You guys never done the redneck slip and slide out in the background? A roll of garbage bags? It's just like a giant tarp and like two hoses and like ivory soap and you just go and then like beer. And that's really good times. And then you chip a tooth on a sprinkler. Well, see, California has all those sprinklers underneath. Oh, yeah.

The rest of the world, that is not the case. Yeah, that was the hazard for me, slip and sliding as a kid, was like, you got to do a sprinkler check beforehand. That is true. Or somebody's going to go home crying. That's a new thing I got to learn about with small children. The big hazard for me was you run, you slide, you hit the bump, you take a dive, you got to watch out for the crocs. Oh, I'm thinking of Crocodile Mile. You're thinking of Crocodile Mile.

Right. But you have your adventure pants, so it's okay. Yeah. Absolutely. Those are the pants you want to take down the Crocodile Mile. I guess it must be related to the Max Fun Drive. Max Fun Drive, by the way, coming up first two weeks of April. Are we giving away bubble wrap?

I don't know. What are we giving away? What are you going to pack it in, though? That's the question. The big bubble wrap. Whatever that big stuff is that says, we'll suffocate your children, all the Amazon people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you would wrap the bubble wrap in the child suffocating. Sure. Right. Right. The pillows. I have a non-funny answer to it. It's those little cocktail tumblers, right? Oh.

You just revealed one of our secret upcoming MaxFun Thank You Drive pledge gifts. I will say. Sorry, was that the time to reveal it? I apologize. You know, I wanted to ask you. Did I break the embargo? I wanted to ask. And they're big tumblers given the size of that bubble wrap.

I wanted to ask you about something, Jordan. Sure. Because as long as we're revealing thank you gifts coming up in the pledge drive, we have something called the Intimate Sensations Pack. Yeah. The Intimate Sensations Pack. I'm not going to reveal yet exactly what's inside the Intimate Sensations Pack, but it's been put together by the folks at Extreme Restraints who are really nice folks, really big Max Fund fans and sponsors of, have been sponsors of many of our shows, but particularly big sponsors of My Brother, My Brother and Me. And I got an email from Teresa,

forwarded from my wife, that I'm guessing maybe you guys also I got this too, and I've been stewing about it a little bit. So the folks at Extreme Restraints I already know what I replied. It's very nice of them to do this. Orange County

based, by the way. Anyway, very strange. They're really nice folks. They have kids. They've really been enjoying One Bad Mother. We just heard from them. If there's anything that should be paired with One Bad Mother, it is... Dildonics. Yes, yes.

So, they have sort of given us talent at MaxFun. They say, we want you to be familiar with the product line. Sure. We don't want to be talking out of our asses, so to speak. Get up in there. Yeah, before talking about things that go up in your asses, you don't want to be talking out of them. Right.

The words will obstruct the butt plug. Exactly. And they have given us sort of an open invitation to have them send some stuff. Awesome. Here's, and I've been thinking about this. Good. And this is the parallel that I've drawn. Sure.

I'm not a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. Right. I see where this is coming from. I'm, you know, I think drawn. Sure. I'm not a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. Right. I see where this is coming from. I'm, you know, I think he's great. You've got to respect the boss. Absolutely. You know, I'll see him

on a talk show or something and he'll be great. The Seeker Sessions? Amazing. Yeah, Born to Run will come on the radio. I'll turn it up. But I'm not a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen. Sure.

You're more of a little Stevie guy. Sure, yeah. But if someone offered me tickets, free tickets to a Bruce Springsteen. Sure. You're more of a little Stevie guy. Sure, yeah. But if someone offered me free tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert, I'd fucking go to that. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on. You'd be a chump not to go to that. You're not an idiot. Oh, I'm not an idiot. I'd go to that

with Chris Christie right now. Let's do this. Hot dogs on Jesse. I don't know. And then all over Chris Christie's shirt. He's a big man. Yeah. With a big heart.

Sure. His heart is as fat as he is. It's an enlarged heart. Yeah. So here's the thing. I'm not particularly interested in bondage. Right. I could see myself enjoying like a four out of ten bondage thing, but it would have to be somebody else's idea. You're not a kinkster like our friend Kevin Allison from The Risk.

From The Risk podcast. Yeah. But I feel like if I just said, no, thank you, what a waste. It's like turning down those bruce springsteen tickets because these are high quality restraints and like they're just giving away i mean you don't know that that's the thing that's coming to the talent are the restraints they said you can order anything you can order anything you want that's right but you don't have to be like if you were going to the bruce springsteen concert you know are you going to pick front row are you picking

like balconies so you don't have to be like automatically, I want the restraints. You should just get a fuck doll. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Who doesn't need lube laying around the house? Yeah, I mean, I guess there's your, you know, there's your just kind of everyday implements, your condoms, your lubes. But again, but I feel like it's like you can have the front row tickets. Right.

Why? Why not? Why sit in the cheap seats? That's like volunteering to watch it on the closed caption TV. Sure, absolutely. You know Right. Why? Why not? Why sit in the cheap seat? That's like volunteering to watch it on the closed caption TV. Sure. Absolutely. You know what I mean? That's not what this is all about. You're out in the parking lot. If you have carte blanche,

you should be going whole hog. I know. See, and I got the email, and I was like, hey, woohoo, Stefan, look what we have an opportunity to get. And I click on the website, really thinking it was going to be, I don't know why I thought it was going to be mild with that name of a shop. And then you get into the website and I was like, I am Southern and Catholic. The restraints are extreme.

They also – I mean, to be fair. There's like a whole mask section. They have a full range of regular sex products. I just want the rabbit, you know? Right. Like I don't need need just something purple and cute and like a forest animal. Right. That goes easily

with any outfit. Yes, it goes easily with any outfit. You can dress it up, dress it down. I think you should get your husband, Stefan, like a full-on latex, you know, gimp suit. The problem is we already have that. Right. Yeah. It's a family heirloom.

Well, he's Swedish, guys. Well, just get him new talcum powder. Oh, that's a good Like a nice scented talcum powder to get him in there. That's a nice spot. Here's, I think, the single person's dilemma that I'm having. Okay. Is that, I mean, obviously

I don't want somebody to open up a drawer by accident, like at the house like on a date. Well, here's what I'm saying. You two, I mean, obviously. You don't want somebody to open up a drawer by accident, like at the house, like on a date. Well, here's what I'm saying. You two, as marrieds, any sex thing you would get, you know, would have to be an agreed upon sex thing. So any sex thing I get, I know to use with a prostitute. Right. Exactly. Yes.

You have to agree. Yeah. You have to ask the prostitute how much she charges. Right. Exactly. Yes. You have to agree. Yeah. You have to ask the prostitute how much she charges. Right. Right. But I feel like as just as a single person, I'm just kind of spinning my wheels as to what a future person that I date might enjoy. Because you don't, if you order, if you are with someone right now.

Sure. You could say to them. What a fun couple's activity. Pop open a bottle of wine, browse ExtremeRestraints.com, and just see what tickles us. Yeah, exactly. Like a French tickler. Like a French tickler. That's right.

Ho, ho, ho. This looks good, my dear. I surrender to your penis. That's a French man that loves a French tickler. He's from Montreal. Maybe they have a variety pack. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Maybe there is just a variety pack.

And there's like a mild variety pack. There's like the medium variety pack. But can I ask you a question? And then there's the black diamond. And then there's the black diamond, right. You could purchase a product designed for solo use. There are plenty. They had a whole section.

Yeah. But you don't masturbate, so that's out. No, I don't. But we accept when the diva show is on. You don't have cost to. Sure. Why would I? I thought we were masturbating to the diva show, so I'm lost now.

So don't you need something to go along with that? What are you, the continuity? What are you, someone posting? What are you, someone posting on the MaxFun forum? We're just bullshitting. I'm bringing us back to the adventure. I have never seen

one of those J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies with you because you will ruin it. Oh, that's not true. That is the best movie. We'll talk about that. We'll talk about that.

I can shift to that anytime. Right now, Xena is typing into the MaxFun forum. Unfortunately, they seem to lose the thread of JJ Go! continuity. Where are we?

Some sort of Earth 2? I will go there with you. Yeah. By the way, you rebooted the whole fucking DC thing. Why do you reboot Earth 2? I agree. You had to have that thing because you... Sorry.

Anyway. I don't know what you're talking about. I have an issue with the new 52. I have only gotten into it halfway through. What's the new 52? What's all the DC comics they rebooted? They reboot every five to ten years. That's a new world

version of itself. They rebooted some of them but not others? Everything is rebooted to a degree. I really hate the era. It's a little sloppy. Yeah, I agree. But then they just have Earth, and they created Earth 2 in DC because there were so many continuity problems.

Right. So you could say, oh, this was going on on Earth 2. Well, like, poor Superman walking around on Earth, right. Yeah. There's two Earths in DC comics? There are a lot of Earths, actually. Yeah, there's more. Multiverse.

It's a multiverse. This makes, yeah, my husband really hates multiverse. Yeah. But I enjoy it. But anyway, so they rebooted all the comics, but also rebooted Earth 2. It's like, well, no, you didn't need to do that. You should just, anyway. Okay, sorry.

Keep your ducks in a row. So what do you need to masturbate at home? I'd like to reboot Tim Lincecum. Am I right, Giants fans? Tim Lincecum 2. Lost his command. Yeah, I mean, I guess, you know, I've never used a masturbation implement before. Neither have I.

I feel like I've always. As a lady. Sure. Clearly I know what my masturbation implement is. Right. Gentlemen. A gerbil. Thank you.

I'm making notes. What do you, I mean, I guess I should just go check out the website. There's, there's, there's dolls. There's things that you put your dick into. Right, yeah. And you juice up the inside. All right. I've never used one either.

I won't be recommending this show to my parents. Go ahead. Here's also the- Everything up to now is fine. Everything up to now is okay with. Who doesn't jack off to Adam Lambert's VH1 Divas? Sure, sure. And your parents are big DC Comics continuity fans.

Absolutely. Out in Palm Beach, that's all they do. Sure. Okay, well, here's the issue with that. R.E. going back to what if someone, what if a new lady comes over to the house and opens up a drawer? I can pretend to be a new lady.

Okay. What are you more turned off by? My pocket pussy or my hand clamps, handcuffs, something. I will say I would be more turned off by the whatever, the

mobile vagina, whatever that is. That's my concern. Because like the handcuffs, you're like, meh. What if he didn't get the mobile one? What if he got the freestanding? Whatever the mobile one is. It's a piece of furniture. You keep that under the mattress.

You don't put it in a drawer. You keep it someplace, like, keep it secret, keep it safe. You just, you know, put it somewhere very specific. Don't put it with the cutlery in the kitchen where she might go naturally. Honey, can you grab a chip clip, I'll say. Yeah, just throw it. I love handcuffs. A friend suggested I should get a full sex swing for the house just because even when I wasn't sexing in it, I could just swing around.

Right, which would be fun. Put it out on the porch. Yeah, right? The assumption is that whatever this free thing we can request specifically is like the most expensive thing they've got in the shop. You know, I would like the sexy. They didn't draw a line. They didn't draw a line. You should get yourself a mandroid.

What's that? It's like a robot man. That you. What do you mean what's a mandroid? It's like a robot man. But is it sexual or is it? Well, I guess if you buy it from Extreme Restraints, it's probably got fuck mode. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's true.

You know, in the dark, the fuck mode switch is so similar to the kill mode switch, which causes a lot of problems. That's right. That would be unsettling. The eyes aren't red from pleasure. So I guess maybe this is what I would like help from from the audience. Right. What's a good general

kind of beginner's restraint thing that I could request that wouldn't scare somebody off automatically and

But is taking advantage of the fact that you have carte blanche. Absolutely. So we're not just taught look Yeah.

Jordan's got condoms. Sure. He's not going around. I live next door to a drugstore. Yeah. It's very easy to get. And you probably don't need somebody to suggest a lube. Everybody's got one.

Yeah. What if you got a lube vat? Oh. I don't have enough room for a lube vat, Jessie. I don't know if you see my apartment. It's not a- It's a modestly sized apartment, but you don't have very much furniture. That's true. At least last time I was there.

Yeah, you just put a cushion on top. It's mostly just the Xbox. That would be more unsettling as a first time, a new lady friend to be sitting on the chair and then like your coin rolls under the chair and then you lift up the chair skirt and you've been sitting on a giant vat of lube the

entire time. That would probably be the most unsettling. No been sitting on a giant vat of lube the entire time. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would probably be the most unsettling thing. No, that is really hip, like repurposing, upcycling. God, he's so into the earth, man. He's super eco. Oh, it's awesome.

He has this coffee table full of lube. He's like he's thinking of me. All right. Great. So vat of lube. Yeah. My first feeling is vat of lube. Yeah, my first feeling is vat of lube,

but like a serious vat. Like the kind, like what's that called? What's that kind of vat that collects rainwater called? Rain vat. A cistern. Like a cistern,

a cistern of lube. But not like a water tower size? I'm not going to use all that. It's going to go bad. I don't think lube goes bad. It's like when I buy a bag of oranges. I'm like, I'm going to eat half of these. The rest I'm just going to throw them out.

I don't think lube goes bad. It loses its lugubriousness. Only if you leave it open. You should use it for other stuff. Yeah? Slip and slide. Oh, yeah it. Only if you leave it open. You should use it for other stuff. Yeah? Slip and slide. Oh, yeah. Sure, speaking of slip and slide.

It's a really classy material for a slip and slide. You won't have to know. What about just industrial applications? Oh, yeah, like- Squeaky door? Sure. Cogs and sprockets and such. What if something gets rusty inside your mandroid?

That's true. You've got to lube up the mandroid. That's right. I have an original clockwork mandroid. An automaton mandroid. That's true. You've got to loop up the mandroid. That's right. I have an original clockwork mandroid. An automaton mandroid, huh? I'm a little bit of a Luddite like that.

I want that steam-powered clockwork mandroid. I don't want one of these new ones with Wi-Fi. No. You don't want the car sensor. You don't want it to be computerized where it tells you

when it has its own problems. You're man enough to take care of your man droid on your own. Exactly. I'm looking for a real... Oh, what's that Martin Scorsese kids movie where he builds that robot? I don't know. Wait, that has Robin Williams in it? No, it has Borat.

No. It's this funny French guy. What? And a kid builds a robot. The one about the magic of cinema? Yeah, yeah. That has a robot in it? Yeah, that appeals to children's love of film preservation.

Yeah, it's totally, it's all about a robot. And Borat's in it? Borat's in it, yeah. Do you think Scorsese just got handed a set of 3x5 cards that just had shit that wins Oscars? And he's just like, eh, I don't really feel like doing a Holocaust movie. And then he's like, oh, love of film. Magic of cinema. Yeah, the magic and importance of cinema.

I'll throw a Borat and a giant robot at it. I kind of liked it too. That's why I'm having a hard time with it. Anyway. I don't remember what that was called, that movie. I know the movie you're talking about. Yeah. 3D.

Gets kids to love. A trip to the moon. Again. Right, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, so one where Robin Williams is a robot from the moon again right yeah anyway yeah so one more Robin Williams is a robot

from the future right yeah Patch Adams Dr. Robot we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, You like that? She has her own child, Katie Bell. I do. I made it with my body. That's great. Thanks. She's got all her fingers and toes. Cool.

She works. She talks. Wow. Things like that. She works like in a mill? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in the yard.

Okay. That's what we call it, the yard. Sure. And we just, you know, people don't believe in giving young children tools, but we do. Yeah. We do. We're keeping it old school. But like gardening tools.

Like shears. She actually got- Wait, that's not a old school. But like gardening tools. Like shears. Wait, that's not a good idea. For her third birthday, she got a real, from France, tool set. So it's like a saw that could take your finger off. Ooh la la. From France. Well, no one in America will make real tools. What are they making? Will not get children real tools.

So you got to get like, you know, you got to go European to get any sort of real hammer that's the size a child could actually hold. What does she hit with it? The cat. That's what you're supposed to do, I think. Well, the cat's broken. Well, you've got to fix it. Well, we have a cat with only one eye, so she is challenging.

Maybe if you hit it enough with a hammer. Can we address the fact your daughter, your beautiful daughter, Katie Bell. Yes. And in case you didn't hear at the beginning of the show, because you were spacing out, Biz is the host of a new parenting podcast for Max Fund, One Bad Mother. Your beautiful daughter, Katie Bell, speaks with your husband, Stefan, the language Swedish? Yes, only Swedish. Do you speak any Swedish?

God, no. So, like, when we knew we were having her, Stefan was like, I want to speak to her only in Swedish. And I was like, great. And so I got the Rosetta Stone. So that they can make plans, secret plans. So I was like, I'm getting Rosetta Stone, but I'm not going to let anybody know how much I'm learning. So I can just like, so when they all start plotting against me. You can just bust the fuck in.

Yeah, exactly. And then I had her and you don't have time to do Rosetta Stone. and then I had her and you don't have time to do Rosetta Stone and then like I can read you know children's books but even now like now that they're more complicated

she's like this is really a pop-up book and I'm like what an asshole because you're just you've got it you can read it like phonetically you can just do the scoopy boopies

because it's been like three years so like literally he only speaks to her in Swedish so she he and I can be talking to her about the exact same thing. Like let's say we're both telling her, don't run into the street. He's saying it in Swedish. I'm saying it in English.

And she just totally understands it. I have to tell you, we've known Stefan and Biz for a really long time. Stefan is in the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry. And Biz was in the sketch comedy group Meet. And we used to do shows with them and sketch festivals around the country. And I did not know that Stefan spoke Swedish at all.

And so when the first time when the two of you moved to Southern California, the first time I went over to your house, I was just to talk to Stefan about logos. Stefan has made all the Max von logos. And Katie Bell ran in the room.

You know, she was two and a half years old or whatever. And just all of a sudden, it went from the real world to a crazy fantasy world where everyone just goes scoobdy boobdy boobdy. There is no more made up sounding language than Swedish as far as I know. It is.

It's a little, you know, let me just geek out. It's a little like Klingon. It might as well be Klingon. I might as well be like listening to, you know,

things like that. And it's... Right. And it's a very warlike language too. Like Klingon. Like Klingon. The Swedish are... And they both like

to make cute things with chickens and horses. I guess I should have known by the ridge on Katie Bell's head. That's right. The Swedish are... And they both like to make cute things with chickens and horses. I guess I should have known by the ridge on Katie Bell's head. That's right, the ridge. She has that huge, bumpy, bony... That's the side of the family. Like Worf? Yeah, like Worf.

Famous Klingon Worf. It's very much like that. Yeah, no, it gets... I don't really think about it. And it's only ever been a problem every once in a while where, like, if I'm having a really bad day, and suddenly he starts talking to her, and I'm like, I don't understand what you're saying. And I just need to know right now. Or like one time she was in the back of the car and we're trying to determine if she's about to puke.

And Stefan's asking her in Swedish and she responds in English, but I don't know specifically what he's asking. And I'm like, do I need to pull off the road? Somebody just this one time. I'm not insulting you. Please, God, speak in English. Why? Why did he choose to do this? It seems.

All right. Because he was raised. His mother is Swedish. So he spent like pretty much half his life here, half his life in Sweden. You know, so he spoke Swedish growing up. It was really important to him to do it. And, you know, I'm like, well, it can only be a benefit to the kid. I mean, I'll teach her Southern and I don't think that's going to help her very much.

You'll teach her to say Lordy Lord when it's hot. That's right. Lordy Lord. We have a rug on the floor made by my grandfather that says that. Do you? He was gay. But the, yeah, so. Lord spelled L-A-W-D. L-A-W-D.

Why? That's right. Lordy Lordy. So I just didn't think much about it, and now we're, like, so into it that, you know, she's not really speaking—she doesn't really speak Swedish back, but I'm pretty sure if we, like, went to Sweden for two weeks, it would just pour out of her mouth. But that's true of a lot of bilingual kids. Like, they—

Are you going to send her to Swedish immersion school? No. You can't. I cannot find one, actually. Just drop them off at Ikea. That's right. They're very Swedish at Ikea. Have some fucking lingonberry drink and get out of my face. She's got tools.

She can help assemble some press board furniture. That's right. We keep her room native with all those things. That's right. So good. Her room is press board furniture. That's right. We keep her room native with all those things. That's right. So, yeah. So good. Yeah. Her room is all Ikea.

It's very Ikea. Have you gone to Sweden with them? Yeah. We went when she was two months old, which I don't know whose great idea that was. So how was her Swedish then? Very bad. Yeah. Mine was actually better at that point in time.

Right. No, it was fine. So she really got a lot out of it. It was really great. And it was freezing and dark and all the things that Sweden is in the middle of winter when you take your two-month-old baby there. Why did you go there in the middle of winter? I don't know. His parents go, like, his mom goes, like, every couple of months.

Maybe because it's probably like an authenticity thing. It's like how people from Austin are like, oh, you've been here for South by Southwest? Yeah. You haven't been to Austin. That's right. It's like, oh, you haven't been to Sweden in the dead of winter? You've never been to Sweden. That's when all the murders happen.

Yeah. They're all very, they love it cozy. That's what they call it, cozy. I'm like, this is fucking cold. I'm saying cozy. I don't get the cozy. And I'm like, this is fucking cold. I'm saying cozy. I don't get the cozy, but it's, I guess, I guess the only Swedish thing I've,

I've ingested with any regularity was, I, I was, Swedish fish. Was Swedish fish. Swedish fish, right? Was the, that AMC show,

The Killing, was based on a Swedish show. And I was dating someone who really wanted to watch the original Swedish show. Right. And it was so bleak. Dark and bleak. And dull. Oh, yeah.

It was very tough. It was not necessarily a fun watch. No, no. They don't write a lot of cheery things there. But they love Donald Duck for some reason.

Oh, they do love Donald Duck. Isn't that weird? It's their Christmas tradition. Wait, did they? You watch Donald Duck on Christmas Eve. I shit you not. And I was like, what?

Stephen's like, yeah, no, we're going to bring that in as a tradition this year. And I was like, what? I guess. Donald Duck? Donald Duck. Yes. Donald Duck. So I guess, yeah, it's like Donald Duck is.

And trolls. Those are the two things that you watch. A lot of trolls. Is there any crossover? Don't think so. Donald Duck meets the trolls. I don't think? I don't think so. Donald Duck meets the trolls? I don't think anybody's doing like four Sweden Donald Duck.

They're just watching straight up American Donald Duck. A lot of the Scandinavian countries are really committed to little magic people of various kinds. Are they? There's a lot of forests there.

Right. You're just out in the forest all the time where trolls and magic folk live. That's where they reside. That's just because you did so much murdering and you had to get rid magic folk live. That's where they reside. That's just because you did so much murdering and you had to get rid of the bodies. You need little helpers to bury them

in the snow. Right. They chop it up and eat it and use that for... That's right. Remember Sweden's tourism slogan or murderer's paradise? I'm going to go. Stephen's going to listen to this show and just be like, fuck you. I'm always like, oh, it's like the sweetest chef, right? And he's like, what the fuck?

Get away from it all while you're getting away with it. Are you going to do, but here's a further question. Yes. You are, as you mentioned, Southern. Where are you from originally? Alabama. So are there cultural traditions of the South that you're insisting on imposing on your child? Football.

College football specifically? Oh, God, that's the worst. Oh, of course it is. That's why I embrace it. world traditions of the south that you're insisting on imposing on your child college football specifically oh god that's the worst oh of course it is that's why i embrace it like wholeheartedly and it's not any college football it's clearly sec football and and clearly a national championship roll todd alabama so yeah no that's that's, Katie Bell can already say Roll Tide and go Bama and has pom poms and, uh, you know. Not even like putting a ham hock in your greens or something like that. I do, do ham hock. No, no, we do.

Okay. So our newest thing that I brought in this year, and now that she's like, we're all eating at the table and stuff together, was, uh. She used to eat out in the yard. Yeah. Cause she used to eat out in the yard. Just throw some corn seed out there. Sure. She'll hit it with a hammer for a while. She hits it with a hammer in the yard. Yeah, because she used to eat out in the yard. Just throw some corn seed out there. Sure.

She'll hit it with a hammer for a while. She hits it with a hammer, eats it. I go, you're a kitty cat. And she's like, meow. And then she eats. And that's how you feed little children. Just a quick detour. Did your cat lose its eye while you had it or did you get it?

This is one that we adopted after the other one got. We moved here with two, lost one pretty much immediately, and then got a new one. Okay. And we wanted the one with one eye. It seemed like a good fit. Sure. His name's Onion. Oh, that's a fun name.

Isn't it nice? Yeah. We just got him. We were like, we'll take that six-year-old one-eyed cat who's been held prisoner by a hoarder. Oh, no. A cat hoarder. Yeah. So, like, when we brought Onion in and our other cat was reacting very badly, I emailed the woman and said, is Onion also deaf?

Because he seems to have no response to our other cat, like, clawing and screaming. And Onion's like, hey, how's it going? Hey, how are you? I got one eye. He's like, I've been through some shit. I've been through hell and back. I have lived in a pile of cats. Yeah.

Do you think you're going to bother me? Yeah, I've lived in a pile of cats. Yeah. Do you think you're going to bother me? Yeah, I've lived in a pile of cats fucking meaner than you. That's right. Oh, boy. So he's like a prison cat. He's like a prison cat. And he's having a hard time acclimating to society. He's totally fine.

You guys, I'm enjoying your new show, Cat Time. Yeah, Cat Time. But let's get back to Southern traditions. All right, so now I'm doing, on New Year's, big Southern spreads. So we got the grits. We do have the official collard greens. You've got, this year I did, what did I do with that? Like, you know, pork.

What's in a mason jar? How much of it is in a mason jar? You can put a lot of things in mason jars. Sure. We just keep Katie Bell's toys in mason jars. Sure, you pickle them. We drink cocktails in mason jars, flowers in mason jars. I do jam some.

Oh, that's fun. I make some jams. I was trying to i was trying to make split pea soup recently and i was looking for ham hocks i went to my local grocery store el superior as regular listeners know that's the thing like you only realize when you're in a grocery store that's targeted at people with different cultural values than you, different food ways specifically, like how particular which weird part of an animal your culture will eat is. Because at the El Superior,

they thought it was real weird that I wanted to buy ham hocks. However, they sell entire sheep heads. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there are feet coming around. Eyeballs and all. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure their feet. Eyeballs and all. Yeah. Yeah. So.

They're like, you monster. Yeah. Exactly. How dare you eat the hot. How dare you. That is, I mean, that's the place where. That's where his soul lives. That's the guy.

That's the place where I had that conversation. This maybe was on an episode that you weren't here for, Jordan. But in that very El Superior, I needed ground veal for meatloaf. And so I went up to the counter and said to the guy, do you have any ground veal at the butcher counter? And he said, what's that? What?

Yeah, it was a butcher. He said, what's that? I said, hmm, I thought you were a butcher, but I can go through this because he, you know, a lot of people at El Superior, English isn't their first language. It's like beef plus language. So I thought. Beef plus cruelty.

Yeah. Right. So I was like, oh, what's been treated. Yeah. You do the baby motion. And then you do the force feed motion. Yeah, force feed. And then you take a hammer to crush its skull.

So I said to this. This is all things you can do with signs. I thought maybe this guy didn't know the word for veal in English and he maybe knew it in Spanish and they had it. So I was like, oh, veal, that's like a baby calf and he doesn't move so that the meat stays white

and then they kill it young. At which point you changed your menu plan for the evening. The butcher says to me, oh, that's messed up. And I was like, oh, thanks, butcher. You are literally a butcher. I'll just take three heads then.

Whatever heads you got lying around. A variety of heads. Three of your five chorizos. Three of your finest heads. I'll grind it myself. So it's a lot of Southern food. We do a lot myself. Right. So it's a lot of Southern food. We do a lot of barbecuing. We do a lot of like, you know, Southern cooking.

We do. I teach her manners. I make her say, sir and ma'am, which I've really. Make her cross the street when there's someone of another ethnicity coming. No, no. You help them across the street. No, no. My mother always raised me.

You say hi to everyone. And if they're crazy, you just say hi from across the street. Sure. And that's the rule. Can mother always raised me. You say hi to everyone. And if they're crazy, you just say hi from across the street. Sure. And that's the rule. Can I ask you about, I have not spent a lot of, I've spent time in the southern west as far east as Texas. That's right. And I've been to Florida several times. Neither of those count.

No southern parts of, no culturally southern parts of Florida. They're really the closest I've been to the south. And it is a genuine southern place. It's Richmond, Virginia. Oh, Richmond's lovely. And it is indeed lovely. It's a lovely place. It's a very lovely place.

The only part that is weird to me about it is that it is almost exclusively composed of Civil War memorials. Well, we did one thing badly, so we got to make statues. And it was not building Civil War memorials. That is done, like, on a day-to-day basis. I will think about the Civil War, what, every other year? And I felt like I was living inside You mean the war of Northern Aggression. I felt like I was

living deep inside the war between the states. I felt like I was Robert E. Lee. That's how I felt in the city. Every guest to Richmond, Virginia, that's how they want you to feel. That's how they want you to leave feeling just like him.

Yeah, no, no. I could, I actually have, I got my papers and documents to show. I could be a daughter of the Confederacy. Really? And a daughter of the American Revolution. Both. What does that get you? I don't know.

Discount at the movie theater. A lot of tea parties, I think. Oh, okay. Tea party invitations. I don't know. There is Daughters of the Confederacy and Daughters of the American Revolution in Pasadena. So I was like, well, this is kind of the farthest from it to become a member of it. Yeah. So, you know, I assume in fundraising.

Okay. Maybe bake sales, bake sale obligations. I learned a lot about Kentucky colonelship during my research about becoming a Kentucky colonel. By the way, Kentucky colonel folks, let's make this happen. I thought the application was in. I wrote a beautiful letter. I'm going to leave that lie, though. If you're out there, though, seriously.

Right. You asked me to write a beautiful letter, and I did. I should be a colonel by now. That's all it takes, right? Yeah. Well, that and officer school. Okay. Well, one down.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. So, with Kentucky Colonel, I don't have a full enough beard, but I could grow like a little funny thing. This is all you need. I'm just suggesting in my chin. I could grow a little funny goat scruff on my chin. It's a bad habit. I could grow a goat scruff on my chin. Yeah, okay.

All right. So in the case of the Kentucky Colonels, what you do is, A, you raise money for charities in Kentucky, but also elsewhere. Like if there's like a natural disaster or whatever, they'll raise money for that. Sure.

But primarily, and you're also sworn to defend the life of the governor of Kentucky. Really? Which I'm guessing isn't going to come up for me. No. I'm guessing. Did they let you do it? So if you became a colonel of Kentucky in Los Angeles, would you have to drop everything

and just get there? Well, if he's anything like that governor Chris Christie, you're going to be slapping ham sandwiches out of his hands. What are we, eight? Hey. I like that Governor Chris Christie, you're going to be slapping ham sandwiches out of his hands. What are we, eights? Hey. I love a fat Chris Christie joke. I just love him. I don't think you have to make yourself available.

It's not like the National Guard. I think what it's like is— There's probably a lot of colonels that have to die before they would call on you. Yeah, let's say— I really like envisioning those calls going down the list. The colonels that have to die before they would call on you. Yeah, let's say. Let's say. I really like envisioning those calls going down the list. And who's knocking off all the colonels where it finally gets to Jesse. Oh, that'd be a fun.

That's where the movie starts. That'd be kind of a fun thriller. Yeah, that's where the movie starts. I kind of think what would happen, what's more likely to happen is I'm in the back of Huaraches Azteca in Highland Park, California. Okay. I'm in the back of Huaraches Azteca in Highland Park, California washing down my Huaraches with

agua de melón let's just say let's just say Kevin Spacey saunters in with a manila file folder and then from the front room I hear y'all can't shoot me. I'm the governor of Kentucky.

That's when I have to fucking bust into action. You stitch up the fucking pants. I'm sorry, you button the fucking pants and you're in. Yeah, button, tuck, and jet. Yeah, go, go. That's why I always carry nunchucks. That makes sense. It's in anticipation of becoming.

I should clarify, I'm not yet a Kentucky colonel. But is that the weapon of choice of Kentucky colonels? Of the Kentucky colonels? Yeah, absolutely. Great. Good. Yeah. You know about Colonel Sanders, right? Well, sure.

That's how the chicken gets so tender. He nunchucks it. So tender. That's right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. it well like LL Cool J. Here's what we do. We look at all those things and we laugh about them because they're serious but they're also funny. Yeah, and if you're looking for a better

explanation of what we do, you're not going to find it. Check out Throwing Shade. Subscribe for free in iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart Jordan Morris, Boy Detective Biz Ellis That's all I got

Yeah, I had the chair You can go back to awesome I had the chair I could do awesome I'm still awesome Amazing Yeah, well, let's not go that far Let's go awesome

Hey, we got Let's not gild the lily We got something up on the Jumbotron. Sure, absolutely. AxeCopWedding.com. AxeCop, I'm sure most of our listeners are familiar with. It's a webcomic written by an eight-year-old and drawn by a 32-year-old. His brother, the eight-year-old's brother.

Yes, this is not a hostage situation. So the eight-year-old says the different stuff that Axe Cop does, and then the brother turns it into a comic. It's a big age difference. It's actually also going to be a TV show on the ADHD, the Fox ADHD. I met the guy who runs that recently. He was telling me about Axe Cop. Yeah, and the artist of Axe Cop, Ethan, he's getting married, and he's selling some of his artwork to pay for the wedding. So if you like Axe Cop, go to axecopwedding.com

and you can get some original sketches, some prints, and a bunch of other cool stuff. Also, hey, how about this? Where are you guys on boatparty.biz? Pro or con? I say you should be pro. I think this is going to be tremendous. We got Xena sitting out there.

I bet Xena's a long-time listener visiting today. I bet she's going to come to boatparty.bena sitting out there. I bet Xena is a longtime listener visiting today. I bet she's going to come to BoatParty.biz. Who doesn't want to go on a boat? I mean, despite all those horrible things that happened recently on the boat. But that's not your boat. That's not your boat. Can I clarify something about the horrible things that happened on the boat? Yeah.

That was on a shit boat. Now, literally and figuratively. I did not mean to pun there. Right, sure. That was a shit boat. Carnival Cruise Line is a shit cruise line. And we'll never be hosting a boat fun. Have all the negative poop-related disasters been on Carnival Cruises?

Yes. Okay. And we specifically chose, I mean, Carnival is like, you know, for college kids in backwards baseball hats. It's like spring break, but on a boat. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And we specifically chose a classy cruise line to put BoatParty.biz on. Sure.

Because I'm not, look, I'm not going to bring Nellie Mackay into a spring break type situation. She's a refined woman. Right. With charm and wit. Yes. She could excoriate someone for being a bore. Right. B-O-O-R.

It could be terrible. Right. It could be terrible. I need to bring her into a classy situation where one night you wear black tie. That's what I need to bring her into. That's nice. And that's what we're doing on BoatParty.biz. That's a nice thing about the her into. That's nice. And that's what we're doing on boatparty.biz. That's a nice thing about the Max Fun.

Seriously, though, we've sold over 100 tickets for this thing already. It is going to be totally freaking amazing. We have, if you don't already know, we have an amazing, unbelievable comedy lineup with like 10 headlining comedians. Al Madrigal, Marc Maron, Maria Bamford, Kurt and Kristen, Kurt Braunohler and Kristen Schaal. Oh, that'll be really fun. That's fun.

The rest of it's pretty boring. But those guys are funny. Eugene Merman. Fun is such a distinct part of their thing. It's fun. Can I tell you guys a story about them? Oh, I'll tell you guys a story how they ruined my corporate career. Go ahead.

Okay. We'll come back to that after you push the button. Nick Thune, the gorgeous Nick Thune. He's a very handsome man. Far too handsome to be as funny as he is. Well-dressed, too. Maybe I'll kick him out. Unfair.

I'm crossing him off the list. Sorry, Thune. You're out. And then we have an amazing music show with Dan Deacon and John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats and Nellie McKay and John Roderick. It's going to be a blast and a half. You can find more information at boatparty.biz. It's going to be great.

And, hey, I think we mentioned this earlier on the show, but Max Fund Drive coming up. Yeah. April, what are we looking at, 1st through 12th? Is that correct? I believe that's kicking it off. Get yourself something that will be wrapped in bubble wrap. Oh, yeah. Who knows what it might be?

It might be a tumbler. Could be. Might be an extreme restraint. Might be a tumbler. Could be. Might be an extreme restraint. Might be a tumblog. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess you would probably have to pack the restraints in bubble wrap. Yeah, you don't want them just banging around and coming dented.

Absolutely not. But seriously, if you are not a longtime listener to our show or to our shows, or whether you are and you're not yet a donor, all of our shows are actually supported by people who love them and voluntarily give us some money and we ask once a year um we're going to be asking for money on these new shows that we've just launched that i'm frankly putting a lot of money into um we are uh you know this is this is our business our business is

we make stuff we give it to you for free and if we like it and if you like it you give us some money so you got a two week window we got a lot of sweet ass

fucking prizes lined up yep do or die yeah you know what I mean I mean I know I will literally murder you I know what most of your

extreme restraints budget is already right you can I mean if you're your extreme restraints budget is already. Right. You can, I mean, if you're getting it as a prize, you might as well just give us the money. Fucking, there's two for you. You're supporting us. That's right.

For the price of your daily dildo, you could be supporting an entire podcast. Yeah, you support us and automatically lube just comes to you. You don't have to go to the store. There's nothing awkward. It's going to come around. A lot of times when you listen to NPR, they use the latte example. Right. Of like, you know, for the price of one latte a week, you can support us. For the price of your weekly dildo.

Right. Or lube. Your lube. Sure. Yeah. I think this is going to be our best MaxFunDrive ever. Because we have two new awesome shows in One Bad Mother and Wham Bam Pow. And who doesn't want to support a mom?

We've got new shows that have come on board with MaximumFun.org, Dave Hill Podcasting, Explosion, and Risk. We've got all the old favorites, My Brother, My Brother, and Me. I was just listening to their show. They said, I believe Travis said he thinks that he can wipe the floor with us.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It's going to be one of those pledge drives. Yeah, where we have to wait to floor with Travis. One of those contentious pledge drives. So, I mean, there is a lot. It's going to be our first MaxFunDrive since Bullseye went to NPR. There is a lot of shit talk happening on NPR with Bullseye, too.

I enjoy watching the NPR and Bullseye go head to head. Well, right now there's a bracket going on on the KPCC. One of the local public radio stations has a bracket on their website to find the greatest public radio show. Now, unfortunately, we drew fresh air in the first round. I thought this was my plan. I'm like, I got a great social media strategy and I'm willing to waste my time on this pointless exercise. I think we can beat fresh air and then I'll be able to go to a public radio conference and tell everyone we beat fresh air. I think it was something like, I think we can kick fresh air in the balls or something.

It was something very like. I think I said I would crush them. Crush them. Their balls. Their balls. Specifically. Right. And at the time I said this, fresh air was up 80% to 20% or something like that.

I announced this. At least you're not the Latino voices who's up against car talk. Yeah. So I think you at least have a fighting chance. So I brought it out to the world. I said, let's go to kpcc.org. Let's vote for Bullseye. And it worked great, briefly.

So for about two hours, we were winning about 55-45. This is until business started in Philadelphia. Yes. Until everyone got to their office. That's right. And then we ended up losing 85-15. I think what happened is I was expecting that no one else in public radio would be interested in this. But that is not true.

No, as it turns out. First, our friends are on the media, started tweeting about it. Then All Things Considered started tweeting about it. Morning Edition, I heard them talking about it. I dropped Katie Bell off and I'm driving and they're talking about brackets and about sports brackets. They go all this whole piece on brackets and then they wrap it up with, and there's a little bracket going on for NPR shows. Everybody was really into it.

And you know what? The truth is like when a Prairie Home companion is driving their 2 million listeners to KBCC.org, I got to tell you, they ain't boating for bullseye. They ain't, they ain't. They ain't, they ain't boating for bullseye. They ain't. They ain't. They ain't. I had hopes for our friend John Moe and his show Wits that was headed up against a Perry Home Companion. But you get a certain number of Car Talk fans in there.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to mess with the machine. I am surprised that they own computers. Uh-huh. That was the surprise. Well, they have Web TV. Oh, that's right. Microsoft's Web TV. Yeah was the surprise? Well, they have Web TV. They can click. Oh, that's right.

Microsoft's Web TV. Yeah. We'll be back. They have the same, in their home, they have the same system that like a hotel does for pay-per-view.

And then they have an old N64 controller that you can order movies with. Moral of the story is we're going to need your support in the MaxFunDrive so that we can buy the services of Jeremy

from Sports Night. I even got, okay, so on Sports Night, there was an episode where Casey and Dan, the protagonists, were in an online poll against each other. And Casey hired Jeremy to crush Dan in the poll. So Jeremy's a nerd and he set up a TCPIP whatever, right? So I thought, we know Jeremy from Sports Night. He's a nerd and he set up a TCP IP, whatever. Right. So I thought we know Jeremy from sports night. He's a friend of ours. He's been on Jordan, Jesse go. He probably knows how to legitimately do this.

So I drop him a line. He tweeted about it to all his fans from the various television programs. He's on, he's on like house of cards or something right now. I don't remember. Yeah. Scandal. He's on scandal. Yeah.

So I, I thought, if we got Jeremy from Sports Night on this thing, how can we lose? It turns out we can lose very badly. Very badly. And fast. Very badly. Anyway, BoParty.biz, brought to you by KCRW, Splitsider, Maximum Fun.org, and MailChimp.

The MaxFunDrive, starting at the beginning of April. And if anyone has a time machine and access to poll switching software, please go to town. Something that just switches one poll number for the other. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, and notable. Notable, quotable. According to the editors of Information Tunes. Oh, really? Internet Tunes. Yep, iTunes.

They keep the, we seem to run, we're running. You guys were number one in New and Notable. You weren't just in New and Notable. You were ruling the school. For like a week and a half. We're still number one in New and Notable, which does my non-performing ego of three years a world of good. You guys are racking up listeners.

I'm getting fucking, I'm getting emails about, oh, they changed my life. I'm like, they have two episodes. does my non-performing ego of three years a world of good. You guys are racking up listeners. I'm getting fucking, I'm getting emails about, oh, they changed my life. I'm like, they have two episodes. The moms have spoken. I got to tell you, I got to tell you, it's, I remember how, like, bummed out I was by what's available for parents with a sense of humor out there. Like, you know, you got to, there are a couple of really great books. Dave Barry's, Should I Take Eyes? That's right. There are a couple of humor out there. Like, you know, there are a couple of really great books. Dave Barry's, Should I Take Eyes? That's right.

There are a couple of great books, but like, I don't even like the, even the sitcoms make me sometimes want to stick a pen in my ear. You know, like I'm just like, eh.

And so. You don't relate to Patricia Heaton? No, I don't relate to a lot of people. But, like actually, it turns out I relate to quite a few very awkward people

out there with children, which is great. They're like me. Yeah, no. So I think- You guys are racking up- All I'm saying is- The moms.

I have access to the listenership data, and they're racking up some serious numbers. Wow. The moms like the swears. Serious numbers. Moms like swears. I bet it's tough for a parent who is cool. It seems like cool parent stuff is such a new- Well, you can't make jokes about your kid

without everybody, like, thinking that you're going to call child services. Sure. I mean, I actually used to joke, please, God, don't call child services and, you know,

people just pack up their Playdate and go. Yeah. It's, you know, I don't know. It's bullshit. The whole thing. I think people,

the more you make fun of the whole experience, the healthier and happier your entire experience will be. That's a good philosophy. The end. Yeah. Seems like a good philosophy.

When something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. And a few of you have done so. Let's roll out a couple momentous occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Doug. This is Brian from South Florida with a momentous occasion. It is Monday morning. I'm heading south on Interstate 95,

keeping up with traffic at about 75 miles an hour, and a white Mazda just zoomed by me a couple minutes ago, maybe going 90, and I had that thought I've had a million times. I wish there was a cop here right now, and then a black Dodge Charger came flying around me with its lights blazing, pulled that Mazda over.

It's a good feeling. Insert 2013 slogan here because I cannot remember it. Thanks. Immortal power, plug it in. I got a great immortal power, plug it in fan art I just got. I'm going to post it on my Tumblr. It's a fucking ape, and he's got lightning bolts. He's a purple ape. I got a great Immortal Power Plug It In fan art I just got. Oh, cool. I'm going to post it on my Tumblr. It's a fucking ape, and he's got lightning bolts.

He's a purple ape. I like how the ape is stuck. The ape is just a part of the slogan. Well, apes are very powerful beasts. They are very powerful. I mean, granted, there are other powerful beasts, wildebeest. None more so than the ape. Hyenas are not powerful. Yeah, I mean, they're powerful strategically.

Xena just, okay. So our listener, Zena, who happens to be visiting us here in Los Angeles, just leaned her head into the window. Like, I can't quite see her where she's sitting. She leaned her head into the window, brought her eyes to, like, full on. Full owl. Full owl.

And just went. Meaning. I do not think that was the noise she was making meaning hyena well we don't know exactly what noise she was making it's soundproof but she she's very clear that hyenas are powerful they're scavengers powerful jaws right and laughs

powerful laughs crush a bone to get them arrow. Is that what you're saying? A powerful pack mentality. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Powerful family units. Yeah.

If I was making- That's a kind of power. Yeah. If you were making a list of powerful animals, though, would hyena be number two? I mean, sorry for thinking outside the box. I'm not going to make your just everyday powerful animal list. Okay. Yeah. I guess I could make the world's best movies list in Godfather 2001. But hey, I'm going outside the box.

There's other great films and there's other powerful animals. You know what? I'm going to give you an example of outside the box thinking for both your movie list and the animal list. Chud. Chud's. Orca. The killer whale. Yes.

Absolutely. Chud's. That takes Orca. The killer whale. Yes. Absolutely. Chuds. That takes care of both categories. Chuds. Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers are indeed powerful. Yeah. I guess they're not animals, though. One time I was-

Sorry to any chuds out there listening. One time I was listening to- I know. Our friend Elvis Mitchell's program, friend of MaximumFun.org, Elvis Mitchell's program, friendofmaximumfun.org, Elvis Mitchell's program, The Treatment, wonderful interview show. And he was interviewing another friend of maximumfun.org, actually, Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live's Bill Hader. And they could not remember what Chud stood for.

And I happen to know because our friend Gene's dad was in Chud. I've never seen Chud, but I knew that because our former co-host Gene's dad was in Chud. Yeah. I've never seen Chud, but I knew that because our former co-host Gene's dad was in the movie. You know, the movie Chud, not a lot of Chuds. There's a couple Chuds

at the end, but the movie is surprisingly Chud-free. It's a very misleading title. It is kind of misleading. Yeah, the best part about Chud is the title. So I emailed...

Nothing that happens in Chud. You've seen the movie if you've seen the title. I emailed Elvis Mitchell and Bill Hader and said, I can't believe you couldn't remember that it's cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. And then immediately upon sending it, Hader emails me back. He's like, yeah, a bunch of people emailed me that. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm the guy.

You're one of those guys. I'm the person. I just did it. You're that guy who's already emailed us that the Martin Scorsese movie is Hugo. That's right. Without finishing the podcast. That's right. The teacher has become the teaching.

I felt like that. I was listening to The Flophouse, which is a very funny bad movie podcast, and they made the mistake that the movie In Time, they thought Olivia Wilde was Justin Timberlake's girlfriend,

which he was actually his mom. And then my impulse to email was so violent. It was like a hyena trying to email. I had to pull the car over. And just let my... And just jack off real quick. And expel my nerd rage. Now, to be quick. Yeah, let my... Let us jack off. Let somebody expel my nerd rage. I went...

Now, to be fair. Yeah. I was not negative at all in this email. Right. I was being fun. I will say that... And these people are... You had a smiley face at the end.

They were like, XO, XO, XO, XO, XO, XO. Friendly acquaintances of mine. But, dot, dot, dot. Yeah. I was that guy. The pedant had become the pedant. I feel like no matter how kind or jokey

the correction email or tweet is It wasn't a correction also. It's always like this. This is how it sounds. Thanks dick. That's what they want to email back. Right. I got it. Thanks. I got it. This is the voice.

So I want to apologize to Elvis Mitchell and Bill Hader who know a thousand times more things about everything in the world than I do as evidenced by their discussion which I I Chud was the only thing I recognized yeah and they're in their so fucking profoundly in-depth discussion of cinema that it blew my mind. But I bet you had a little moment. I bet you were probably listening to this feeling like, I haven't seen any of these movies. And then Chud comes up.

And you're like, Chud! I can take a moment. I was trying to be helpful, to be fair, in a fun, silly way. But it's always wrong. It's always wrong. Should that guy be calling you driving 75 miles an hour? I think assume, yeah, also this guy. I'm like, sorry.

Kill myself. I'm going to pull you over. I think just the rule is that probably if someone is on a podcast or a show or something. Or in public. And they're spinning their wheels, assume they've Googled it after the show. Can I say one other thing that I feel is important? I also included a dick pic. Okay.

But the dick pic probably just is like, look at me. I'm a dick. That's probably what they saw the dick saying. No matter how fun it was. I thought it was just a fun, like, hey, aren't we all friends? Yeah. Show me yours. Yeah.

Let's all get together next time Bill's in L.A. We can watch Chud. I don't want to watch Chud. Too boring. It's a bad movie. Too boring.

It's a bad movie. Anyway, Elvis Mitchell only hangs out at hotel bars. That's his thing. One of those guys. He's one of those guys who knows all the people

at the hotel bar. True story. Brian Fernandez, next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Dane. I am calling

to report a momentous occasion. I just recently moved into a new apartment. There had been an older lady living there previously

and I just checked my mail from yesterday and lo and behold, my mailbox, there was a catalog from the Pyramid Collection and it is just as fantastic as you had said, Jesse. You remember

the Pyramid Collection. Oh no, you don't. I don't remember. You're the best. Bye. The Pyramid Collection was something that came up actually on an episode

where the co-host was Nick Adams. Okay. The best catalog ever. Yes, it is an amazing catalog. It is amazing. You're looking at books on an episode where the co-host was Nick Adams. Okay. The best catalog ever. Yes. It is an amazing catalog. It is amazing. You're looking at books, DVDs,

Dresses. Novelties, potions. That's right. Dresses. And then occasionally, there is a pleasuring device, which is fairly new to the Pyramid Collection, and a lifelong catalog receiver.

And then you're like, is that a dildo? I was really surprised to see it. It's just a catalog of stuff? Is it like a SkyMall? It's like Cat Lady the catalog. Okay. So you have your vibrating dildos, your unicorn themed jewelry. Like pyramid art with an eye or a crystal

at the top, all by claws. So it's like a Freemason catalog? It's something for women who wear loose-fitting velvet pants. Or sweatshirts with cats. Yeah, both. Or both at the same time. Is this for?

My high school AP U.S. history teacher is who this is for. Yeah, because I was going to ask, is this for art teachers, or is this for the lady who works at Walmart? This is for the women who see themselves as Bette Midler all in purple. Yeah. Okay. This is for a Bette Midler. Brassy.

This is brassy. Yeah. This is for women who have a bumper, who, like my father, have a bumper sticker on their car that says, warning, contains an outrageous older woman. Okay. The pyramid woman. Okay. The Pyramid catalog. Yeah, a lot of purple. What kind of DVDs?

I mean, Bette Midler, Live from Radio City. Well, it's a lot of meditation DVDs. Oh, okay. You know, like a lot of waterfall DVDs. Oh, man. Sex After the Great Change. That's right. When that catalog comes, Stefan and I get very excited.

That seems exciting. It is. We do enjoy going through a catalog. Yeah. I mean, it seems like, yeah, if you are in an old lady's apartment, you're probably getting some. I really thought the guy was going to say, I opened up the mailbox and I got her Social Security check. And I'm calling you from like, what I really thought. I'm calling you from Vegas. I put it all on black. That's right.

206-984-4FUN or jjgoe at MaximumFun.org if you've got a momentous occasion in the future. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Biz Ellis, one bad mother. Well, it's been a delight to have you here, Biz.

I'm sure that many mothers, fathers, and unattached persons in our audience have already clicked subscribe on One Bad Mother. We actually have quite a few non-moms and or non-parents who tell us they enjoy the show. Yeah. Welcome to the nightmare. Yeah. That's right. Welcome to it. I'm your bus driver and I will take you on a very detailed tour of everything that is

You're the ghost of Christmas future. I am. I am. I will say that as a childless person, you know, the new idea of, you know, like it's Louis C.K. talking frankly about his kids, calling his kid a cunt. Right. And the Laurie Kilmartins, the shitty moms, the go to the fuck the sleeps of the world. Yeah, yeah. By the way, Laurie Kilmartin, recent C.K. talking frankly about his kids, calling his kid a cunt. And the Laurie Kilmartins, the shitty moms, the go-to-the-fuck-the-sleeps of the world. By the way, Laurie Kilmartin, recent guest.

Recent guest on the show, that's right. I really appreciate how cathartic that must be to parents, school parents, who don't just want to watch Oogie Loves and listen to Raffy. As a childless person, it's terrifying. It has really made having a child like when I listen to all of those kind of revisionist, honest parent things, it is terrifying. Well, you know, that's the goal. That's the goal. Yeah.

You know, scare the shit out of you. Keep the population down. Keep the population down. Yeah. No, it's there is, I think, something therapeutic about it. And there's enough out there to make you feel like you're totally fucking it up 90 percent of the time, all the time and that you're failing. So it's nice to, you know, read the Laurie Cole Martins and the Louis C.K.'s and everybody else that's out there. There are about a bazillion mom blogs out there with people being very honest and very fucking funny.

But don't but don't worry too much, Jordan. Yeah. If you start to if you're listening to one bad mother. Right. You start to hyperventilate. Yeah. Just switch over to our friend Cameron Esposito and her show, Where Bam Pow. They're probably talking about demolition.

Yeah. Oh, terrific. Absolutely. So it's just kind of it's just kind of a deluding process. Yeah. That's right. You want to check out some Judge Dredd talk? You go to Wham Bam Pow.

Yeah. You want to go over to some inverted nipple breastfeeding? I don't want to spoil it for you, but yeah. You want to talk about surprising places where one can find, surprise, some fecal matter. One Bad Mother's your place. That's right. Well, I don't want to listen to anything that's trying to tell me that new Judge Dredd movie's any good. No, I'm talking about the old Judge Dredd movie.

I don't want to hear anybody telling me that any Judge Dredd movie is worth watching. Our whole next show is about Judge Dredd, sadly. Who plays Sylvester Stallone's twin in the first Judge Dredd? It's someone who's like- Danny DeVito. Yeah, right. It's something like that. Anyway.

Anyway- Don't send me an email. I'm going to look it up after the podcast. Hey, listen. Mario Van Peebles? April 1st. April 1st is the start of the MaxFunDrive. Go to MaximumFun.org.

Check out all the cool stuff that's on the way. I am sure you will. We are going to blow it out with great guests. And we've got a live streaming show coming up. The last day of the Pledge to Pledge drive, Friday night, live from MaxFun headquarters, Jordan Jesse Goh featuring Biz, among other people. We'll have lots of the LA MaxFun talent will be in the building. Lots of drop-ins.

Hanging out with us. MaxFun driving. He's going to do three hours. He's going to bump us all. We got Chappelle to do an eight-hour set at the end. And we will be streaming it live online at MaximumFun.org on Friday. I want to say it's April 12th. Does that sound right?

Friday, April 12th. The evening of Friday, April 12th. And just in general, you know, thousands of people out there support Maximum Fun. You could become one of them during the Max Fun Drive. It's going to be great. Get yourself some tumblers. Get yourself an intimacy kit. Oh, my God.

That's totally worth it. Just pour the lube. Get both. Get both. Put the lube into the... Yeah. Sure. Make a lube cocktail.

We got bubble wrap to blow through, people. Yeah. You can fuck on that if you want to. That's right. Who cares? Just donate. Sunny D. Fuck on whatever. Sunny D is on the boards.

Brian Fernandez, our theme music Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We will talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.