Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 269: Save Our Sexy with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: April 1, 2013

Fan favorite Chris Fairbanks joins Jordan and Jesse on this MaxFunDrive edition of JJGo for a discussion of sex toys, Prince, a few new business ventures, and Jordan's trip to WonderCon.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles. Coco the dog visiting the studio today. Maybe she'll bark. Maybe she won't. Who knows? She's usually a pretty good dog. Plus right now she's busy running

in a circle after her tail immediately outside the door of the studio. Yeah, whenever you hear Coco the dog bark, drink! I assume people listen to this while drinking. Also, drink whenever you hear us talk about butt stuff. Sure. We had fun. We were just talking with our friend

Kevin Allison from the Risk Podcast. Yeah, recording some pledge drive promos. Yeah, recording some Pledge Drive promos. Yeah, it's the MaxFunDrive gang. Get on the boat. MaximumFun.org slash donate. But I think we realized in talking to Kevin Allison, he may be the only person in the world who enjoys goofing around about butt stuff more than we do. I think that's very fair. Or, oh, you know what? I bet there's also eight-year-olds. Yes, eight-year-olds. Although the eight-year-olds discussions

don't tend to involve around specula. Parent, let's bring our guest in so we can get into this. Because this is a, if any man wanted to talk about a speculum, it's our friend Chris Fairbanks. At your cervix. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. I know you're not holding the mic. I know it's in a stand, but if you could find some way to drop the mic now. You just shove it over. I know you're not pacing around the stage

Chris Rock style, but now is the time to drop the mic. That kind of agoracervix is kind of my sexual chocolate. Yeah, I should have kicked something over. Yeah. Next time. I'm sure you'll have another doozy. That was like your equivalent of that time when there was that tribute concert to George Harrison and all the famous people were playing While My Guitar Gently Weeps.

And then it was like Eric Clapton and, you know, whoever the fuck does that. Yeah, yeah. Wyclef Jean was there, I think. Prince came on, you know, wearing purple pumps, just ripped a guitar solo, dropped his guitar on the ground and left. Oh, wow. And you're like, on the one hand, Prince, that was a pretty amazing fucking guitar solo. You definitely had the best guitar solo of the bunch. On the other hand, that might not be the right tone for a tribute concert to a man who died recently.

Yeah, like the most beloved figure in all of rock and roll. I guess if you're doing a tribute to Joey Ramone or when one of those kiss assholes dies. Yeah, when Gene Simmons dies, do whatever the fuck you want. When Gene Simmons dies of choking on money. Yeah, you can go out there and slash some shit around. But yeah, he was the- Just choking on sheer avarice. Sure.

He said he was a gentle hippie. Uh-huh. Loved the sitar. And Prince just comes in. It is the crazy, if you watch this While My Guitar Gently Weeps video, Prince comes out. Everyone else is like they're all in a line. I don't remember who. It's like Eric Clapton and Bo Diddley.

You know what I mean? It's like whoever it is, right? He's legends of guitar. Maybe to make it more appealing for the kids, you throw Peter Buck in there. Yeah. Just sort of like, hey, young people. I want to say little Stevie was there. That makes perfect sense.

So anyway, they're all standing in a line. There's like four or five guitarists. They've all been on stage the whole time. And each of them, in turn, has played a solo while everyone else plays the rhythm part of While My Guitar Gently Weeps, right? while everyone else plays the rhythm part of While My Guitar Gently Weeps, right? And then Prince just waltzes in as though it's normal for a man to have an entrance in this thing. Everyone's like, oh, you know, Prince. He jumps through a hoop like a high school football team.

Yes. He literally, he runs in, he's on fire. I think to get Prince to show up at your thing, you have to make a lot of concessions. He seems like a man with just a very specific... Is that why the whole set of the George Harrison tribute was purple? Probably. Velvet. Yeah. Whose house was it that he painted purple?

I want to say Cedric Sabalos. Some sort of B-level NBA star had this home in Los Angeles that Prince rented. Prince rented this house from... I'm going to go with Cedric Sabalos whether or not that's actually who it is. At some point, Brian will correct me. But rented this small mansion.

Carlos Boozer. I've been corrected. It was Carlos Boozer. Rented a mini mansion from Carlos Boozer. That took zero to no Googling. Painted the entire house purple. I've been corrected. It was Carlos Boozer. Rented a mini mansion from Carlos Boozer. That took zero to no Googling. Painted the entire house purple. Had wall-to-wall purple carpeting put in.

And changed the fountains, the water in the fountains to purple. Oh, like. And this was like a six-month lease. When. And he just returned it to Carlos Boozer as though he hadn't painted the entire house purple. I feel like I'm afraid to hang a picture in my apartment. Yes. Because they might charge me for it. Prince put in purple wall to wall.

Oh, that's amazing. When was it? Was this during Purple Rain? No, this is only like five years ago. He just won't drop that color, huh? No, it's his thing. It's his thing. ago. He just won't drop that color, huh?

No, it's his thing. It's his thing. Prince, I'm sure that Prince when Prince rents a boozer's house, he's driving through the fucking hallway on his purple motorcycle. That guy doesn't give a shit. He doesn't even care. But wait, isn't he Jehovah's Witness too? He is a Jehovah's Witness. That seems to clash with everything. It does.

It seems immodest. It seems unbiblical to paint someone else's house purple. It seems like if, yeah, if Jehovah's Witness thinks celebrating a birthday is too decadent, how do they feel about changing a man's carpet? He goes door to door to talk about the word, and if they don't answer, he paints their door purple. And then fucks them. No matter who they are. As long, sensual, smooth jazz love with them. No matter who they are.

As long, sensual, smooth jazz love with them. But in the name of whatever made up Jingleheimer Smith God, John Jacob. I don't know anything about Jehovah's Witnesses. I really. That sounds about right. John Jacob, Jingleheimer Smith. I told this story clearly. Thou's name is my name too. Thou is.

There was this guy on my Little League baseball team whose name was Carlos. He was like the star of the team, and he was a Jehovah's Witness. And we knew that because, A, he wasn't allowed to play on the Sabbath. I can't remember. I feel like maybe they do Saturday instead of Sunday, but that might be Seventh-day Adventist. But he wasn't allowed to play one of the two weekend days. be Seventh-day Adventist, but he wasn't allowed to play one of the two weekend days. And the other thing is that one time I was at 16th and Mission in San Francisco in front of the California Savings Bank. And just Carlos, the bad boy superstar of my, you know, 14 and 15 year old baseball team walks by and he turns and says oh hey jesse and he's in full fucking jehovah's

witness mode like his grandmother is there his mother is there yeah they wear suit and suits and ties they were specifically polyester suits and ties it was it was the it was like seeing a teacher outside of school. Oh, yeah, that's always. It was an absolutely overwhelming experience. Or like when you see a really good-looking homeless person. Yeah, like Carlos was like. Isn't that weird? That like ruins my day.

Carlos, super handsome. I need a headshot. Like ripped, you know, super fast. Like occasionally we would get, it's like, I don't know if you guys ever played, I'm sure you played Little League, right? Sometimes, even if you're on a bad team, and I was generally on it, my team was not a great team. Seven years of Hoagieville.

Like even if you were on. What's Hoagieville? Hoagieville was the local sponsor, Bob and Nick. They made sandwiches and we lost every game. But every time we played, they promised we would all get Hoagies and they were delicious. Yeah. So you got Ho we lost every game. But every time we played, they promised we would all get hoagies, and they were delicious. So you got hoagies every game? We lost every game.

We never got hoagies. Oh. But our pitcher. Only if you won would you get hoagies. But our pitcher, his body was 35 years or 25 years old, and he ended up playing basketball, I think. years old and he ended up playing um i like basketball i think uh there was this girl there was this girl who lived on my block on tiffany avenue in san francisco named leslie and leslie was i swear to god when we were 14 leslie was six feet tall and you know 180 190 and just like fucking full-on like lisa leslie athletic wow like she was the superstar of the league but she wasn't on our team and just i remember one time and i would play like pickup

with her in the in the bank of america parking lot we would jump the fence and play pickup you know play whatever uh strikeouts and and she came up, you know, play whatever strikeouts. And she came up to bat. And I remember everyone going like, okay, girls up, girls up, girls up, you know, like bring it in. And I was like, nope. And she hit like four home runs in one game against us. Just a huge, some kind of Pacific Islander, but fast too. And just a monstrous woman.

Have you guys seen yet the—and I don't even care about football or most sports. I almost have disdain for them. You know I'm a skater punk. Sure, sure. Grown-up skater punk. You grew up. You tagged the side of my courthouse. Purple.

Yeah, I did. Yeah. And I hang out with kids, and I swear a lot, and I spit gum. But— You're always carrying that boom box around. Yeah, with I did. Yeah. And I hang out with kids, and I swear a lot, and I spit gum. You're always carrying that boom box around? Yeah, with my beats. Sure. The Bo Jackson documentary is amazing.

Oh, I've been kind of circling that Bo Jackson documentary. It's great. It's like animated, almost Daniel Clow, like ghost world-y style. I mean, it's not Stop Ocean. Wait, but do they still show stuff where Bo Jackson scores touchdowns? Because that's what I want to see. It's amazing, but a lot of it is stories of him growing up and the pictures of him, yeah, being 16 years old and just a specimen of a human that he never went to practice. I'm not sure he was human.

He never went to practice. Like, he just wanted to play baseball, played football as a pastime, and kind of became more famous for football. Is the zenith? Never practiced. Is the high point of the story when he gets his own Game Boy game that had both baseball and football? You know what? They talked about that video game a bunch. You'll love it.

Oh, wow. Yeah, there's animation in it. And then in the end, his pastime now is when he gets his wife's permission, he goes to the basement of their giant mansion, to the man cave, and makes arrows and bows. He actually makes the bows, and he's a bow hunter, and he has this game room of animals that he is. He's like a hunter, a bow hunter.

He's the most interesting dude. I feel like those— Pretty well-spoken. I didn't know anything Pretty well-spoken. I didn't know anything about him. But, yeah, little kid, never done steroids ever, didn't need to. He's insane. Okay, I want to talk about Little League Baseball teams for a second. Because the other day – I may have mentioned this on the show.

The other day I was at – I walked by a sporting goods store. I walked by a sporting goods store and I had this flush that because we're going to try and start a softball team that I could buy anything in the sporting goods store that I wanted. I have any glove I wanted. I could have any cleats I wanted. I could have any bat. You could buy the biggest super soaker they've got. Because bats were, I don't know, like I feel like I played Little League baseball and probably you guys did too. Maybe not you, Chris, but at an inflection point in bat technology where there were the kind of like 70s style aluminum bats and then there were full on 90s style like carbon fiber yeah whatever that was fucking crazy my time mega bat insanity and so both of those existed in parallel

and it at at upper noe it's kind of uh parallels the um it kind of parallels the technology gap between the various slammers in Pogs. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. There's just your plastic slammer, then chrome. Now I can relate. Jordan, if you could just translate everything into nerd. Yeah. Is Pogs a nerd thing, I guess?

Yeah, Pogs are pretty much a nerd. I felt like it was like- They're not as much as a nerd thing as magic cards or something. But it is a nerd thing. I guess what I saw pogs as is it seemed like a tough kid who would be interested in gambling

was really into taking all of your pogs. So I guess I saw that I guess I relate it as a little bit of like a bully thing. Yeah. Something they did to intimidate you. Like my dad and his marble tails. Yeah. Like they were full on. Marbs, playing marbs.

Full on fights to get a steely. Right. Yeah. You're. So, okay. So I want to talk about bats here. Okay. So there's these two kinds of bats.

And one, the aluminum bat, the old timey bat, weighs, we're talking 10 ounces heavier, hits the ball way less good. And we would play, we had, our team had two bats. We're talking 10 ounces heavier. It hits the ball way less good. And we would play. Our team had two bats. The St. Mary's team had two bats, and they were both dented. Which, when your bat is dented, that means it's broken. Right.

Yeah, of course. I mean, you know, it's a public park team that I was playing for. You didn't have any of that hoagie money behind you. Yeah, we didn't have hoagie money. And none of the kids on the team. So, like, sort of the expectation, I think, is these are like the bats. Sort of like at the same park, they would have summer lunch program where, you know, kids who were on school lunches could go and get lunch because their parents were too poor to feed them. And you would get red drink, right?

And, you know, the red drink comes in a gallon jug. You know what I'm talking about. Jugs always sticky whether it's been opened or not. Yes, exactly. Perpetually sticky. And so these bats were like the red drink of bats. Yes. Like they were the product.

Always sticky. They're like government cheese of bats. Yes. Like they're bats that are provided to children who cannot provide their own bats. And aren't raised well, and that's why they're dented. Because you know it's a kid hitting a fence post. Like they're hitting the chain link fence. It's a kid hitting a fence post. Like they're hitting the chain link fence. It's a kid hitting another kid.

That happened multiple times on my team. It's not dented from baseball playing. Dude, one time this kid Sean went ape shit and fucking clobbered full on two other kids in the back. Just chemically imbalanced. Just like that famous baseball game from Problem Child. John Ritter. He's good in everything. We would have these bats that were aluminum, heavy, thick, too big for us. Sometimes they would be softball bats.

If you play baseball with a softball bat, it really hurts your hands. That's embarrassing. And just dented, like literally dented. hands. That's embarrassing. And just dented, like literally dented. And out of the 15 kids on our team, none of them had parents who could pay the 50 bucks to buy a real bat. Right. Right. So it was a really sad scene. Is it only 15 bucks for one of those? No, 50. Oh, 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 bucks. Sure. And we would play against other teams. And it depended on what neighborhood the team was from because this was a park league. So, you know, it depended what park you were playing. Sometimes other teams would be as fucked as we were.

Yeah. But often they would have at least one or two kids on the team who had bought a nice bat or the coach had bought them a nice bat. You know, just out of his own pocket, sort of like teachers paying for pencils for their students because they, you don't have the budget for it or whatever. And so they would have these bats and every time we would be like, hey, can we use those bats too? Because only one team uses a bat at a time. Sure.

You know what I mean? They're laying idle when the team is not using them. At the dugout. Like you could just walk there and bring them back to their car. Yeah. When you're playing against another team, either you're batting or they're batting. You're never batting at the same time. That would be a weird game.

Yes. Dangerous. Sounds like, to me, that's how cricket is played. Yeah, I think that's what cricket is. These guys just hitting things at each other. Dressed like they're in Clockwork orange they have sandwiches four days sandwiches with the crust cut off um and so and so like one in 10 teams would let us use their bats and then we were like fucking kings like it was the greatest thing ever. We were swinging the bats around. Who would say no?

Their coach? The kids and the coach. They would team up to say, no, you can't use our good bats. Are they worried you were going to swipe them? Do you think that was part of it? I would imagine. I mean, you know, there wasn't that many swipey kids on the team. Swipey. There was one kid whose mom

would always come to the games drunk. There was one kid with an ATM card. He was very swipey. That was dumb. You should have – let's workshop this a little bit. He had one of those transponders. He was more tappy. I was going to say a kid came with a magnetic strip on his back.

Yeah. That maybe doesn't work either. Anyway, let's put a pin in that. I'm mad at that team. That's the same team that six months later you have to beat them in a downhill ski race to save the mountain. Right. And when you move to college, they're trying to get your frat shut down. Yeah.

Can I ask you one Little League question? Sure. When you guys played Little League, at some point you had to start wearing cups right yes uh i never did the catcher catcher wore a cup sure but the but if but the fielders didn't wear a cup i remember i always i always wore a cup i remember a part up to your discretion i remember a part of the game well i i got hit in the nuts uh like when I was like six by a baseball, and I had no absolutely zero issue with wearing a cup. Right. I wore a soft cup.

It is still- More comfort. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's like a rubber, like a silicone. Sure. You wore one of those red plastic party cups. Right.

A solo cup. Solo. Then I just brought it to the keg afterwards. Fill it up. Start the party. Yeah, this has been on my dick. I was a very cool child. One of the things that would happen at our games is one of the coaches would take the knob end of a bat.

Oh, cup check. And tap our dicks area to make sure we were wearing cups. Is that appropriate? That happened a lot. I took karate classes and the teacher would come around and give you a little kick. Did you guys have in high school a shower monitor that sometimes was an older adult but other times was a student who sat there and took a naked roll of you, whether or not you shower. And they sat in a stool and watched you shower. We had a shower monitor, but it was a monitor lizard.

That would whip us with his tail if we didn't shower. We just had a monitor in the front of the school that showed whatever was going on in the shower. No, actually, you know, I can't remember ever showering post-PE in junior high. It was traumatic for me and I didn't shower because I didn't want some creepy person looking at me. I was very conscious of that. I still don't want to shower. I've never showered. Oh, maybe I have once or twice.

I have pretty close to never showered in a group situation. Right, because it's uncomfortable. I don't want, not only do I not want other people to look at my dick. Right. I don't want to look at other people's dick. I don't want to look at old guys naked. Old dicks. I don't want to look at old dicks.

Old guys naked. Old dicks. I don't want to look at old dicks. There's like so many things that I don't want to look at. And I don't have – I have zero of whatever that quality is that gets people in that situation and they just go, eh. You know what I mean? Like, let's do this. I don't want anyone to see me limp. I will shower around other guys if I have time to give myself a bit of a sandwich.

Sure. Sure. Just sit around, browse your map. But when I do go to – I was kidding about that. But when I realize – when I go to Planned Parenthood and I know it's going to be a woman nurse, I do kind of touch my dick and make sure it's not totally turtled. I'm nervous to be in there and it makes your wiener go in your body. So I'm like, before, I'm not kidding. This is a real.

No, this is important. I'm just admitting. I will kind of rub my dick and make it. Get the blood flowing. Yeah, just so it's a normal dick and not a scared dick. Because I don't want her to come in here and go, well. You're not having a full sesh. There's nothing wrong with you except, holy cow.

You have a micro penis. You have a tiny wink. So I'd rub it a bit. I feel like I wish I hadn't even told that. No, that's really good. I'm really glad that you told that. No, I go to a doctor and get a boner. What kind of a lunatic am I?

Not a boner, a semi. Yeah, it's a semi. Or not even a semi. You just withdraw. You allow it to inferl itself. Quarter mast. Quarter mast. 25%. Yeah, that's reasonable. Is that your final offer? That's very reasonable.

Yes, yes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, So now that we're giving away to the person who makes the best MaxFunDrive-related tweet, we are giving away a trip to Los Angeles to visit MaxFunWorld headquarters. That's a really fun prize. I know, right? Yeah. We're going to announce it.

Jordan and I are doing a show at the end of the MaxFunDrive, which is April 12th, Friday night. We're going to live stream a show from MaxFunHQ. We're going to pick our favorite tweet of the whole pledge drive. We're going to go through the ones that are tagged, hashtag MaxFunDrive, and we're going to give them that trip. And also, we're going to give out a whole bunch of vibrators. We have literally two cases of vibrators. Huge. Plug it in.

These are the plug it in vibrators out there on the counter in the office here. We're going to be giving away vibrators. Those little vibrators are great, but I mean, when it runs out of batteries, you've got to get the office here. We're going to be giving away vibrators. You know, those little vibrators are great, but I mean, you know, when it runs out of batteries, you got to get the precision screwdriver. You got to get one of those little watch batteries.

And who sells those anymore? Only dildo cobblers. Well, there's elves that come in the night. The MaxFunDrive, once a year, we give away all of our shows for free. And once a year, we ask you to support them by going to MaximumFun.org slash donate. There are a billion levels at which you can do it. It's very, very easy.

And that's how we— And fun, too. Yeah, that's how we pay our bills. I would say it's fun. That's how I am able to write paychecks to Jordan and Brian Fernandez on the boards there. That's how I'm able to pay for the rent and keep my dog Coco and Kibble. Maximumfund.org slash donate. And a cool thing is you're not just supporting the shows, but you're getting stuff.

Oh, yeah. So it's like you're also buying cool stuff. For anybody who donates $5 a month, you get cool bonus episodes of all the MaxFun shows. We recorded a bonus episode with Eliza Skinner that I think people are really going to enjoy. She's great. I did a bonus episode once. Yeah, you did. Totally done.

You were tremendous. And in fact, they will get that one as well as the full audio of our marathon from a couple years ago. I was so on that day. I remember being a better person. There are literally like – I don't know. Today you said at your cervix. That was from the top.

It's going to be tough to beat. It went downhill from there. Ten or 12 hours of Jordan Jesse Go you get. So tons of bonus stuff and all the other shows. Your Risks, your John Hodgman's. Friend of the Family level is $10 a month. You get special MaxFun branded earbuds. So that if anyone – let's say you're riding the subway. You're listening to your favorite MaxFun branded earbuds. So that if anyone, if you're, let's say you're riding the subway,

you're listening to your favorite MaxFun podcast, somebody walks by, they happen to take a gander at this. Or if you're in St. Louis, the L train. Sure. Take a gander at this. Or if you're in St. Louis, that elevator that goes to the top of the St. Louis Arch. The McDonald's Arch, yes. Is that what it's called?

I think it's half of an M. That's originally why they made it. But anyone who takes a look at the center of your ear will see the Max Fund rocket ship. Through a speculum. You don't know. You made a little hole through a pinhole camera? Yeah, through a pinhole camera or what have you. Yeah, don't look directly at the earbuds. No, no.

If they're like an eclipse, you will go blind. I'm pretty excited about the new Diamond Friendship Circle Prize. What does that get you? $20 a month, you get the Intimate Sensations Pack. Wow. Is that a big plug-in dildo? It's not a giant plug-in dildo. It is a pocket personal massager.

Uh-huh. It is a fine quality pocket personal massager. It is a fine quality pocket personal massager. It has some attachments. I took a look at it. It's a very nice piece of equipment. It will really help you relax at the end of a long day. You know, this isn't the 50s, Jesse. We could say clitoris.

It's also refreshing and helpful. Do you have another pocket cramp, secretary? I'm running low on pep. And piff. It's not just for clit. It's in your energy hole. You can put it anywhere you want. You can put it on your taint.

You can put it on your donger. Also balls. The back of your neck. If I could clean it up a bit. All of these neck. Yeah. If I could clean it up a bit. Yeah. All of these things. Absolutely. All of these things feel tremendous. Also, MaximumFun.org Rocket Lube. Wow.

That's branded lube? The logo is on it. We have our own lube now. Oh. Lube. Lube. Oh. Oh, yeah.

And what do you call that? Blindfold. Blindfold. For sensory deprivation. Yeah. So you can, you know, keep back, relax. And then just let somebody go to town on you. Work out the troubles of the day.

If you don't want that, you can also get a t-shirt. Yeah, if that sounds gross to you. But you should get that. But you should get that. You should probably. And all of these are cumulative. So if you're at the $20 a month level, you get the intimate sensations pack plus the earbuds plus all the bonus content. You get everything. Hey, $35 a month. You get our special maxfun.org rocket ship rock glasses for making a cocktail before somebody goes to town on you.

Make yourself a nice cocktail. I love the logo. Kick back, split your legs, just let them go. Yeah. You know what I mean? Get your little micro screwdriver, put in a nice fresh battery. Sure. And the butt's in play.

The butt is absolutely. Well, look, when I've had a drink or two, the butt's in play. Sure. You got to have a little cocktail first. These are really nice glasses. Yeah. We have these already at the office. They are, like, really nice.

Like, they are not. This is not a chintzy operation. The quality of the t-shirt. I'm weird about my t-shirts. Like the fabric, the softness of the cotton. The t-shirt you guys gave me. I don't know if that's on the list. I'm just talking about other things you won't get. That's the very t-shirt that you get if you decide not to get the intimate sensations back.

I really like that t-shirt. I like how it fits. I'm not afraid to dry it. No, it won't shrink. It's a super nice t-shirt. We don't mess around on this kind of stuff. It's almost like vintage but it's clean. There's a super nice t-shirt. We don't mess around on this kind of stuff. It's almost like vintage, but it's clean. There's not some dead guy's BO in it.

I am really excited about Jesse's Golden Eagle level, which is $100 a month. That, you get to join the Inner Circle. That's a – that offshoot band of – No, it's not a butt. The Inner Circle. Oh, yeah, right. It's a Maynard-sized project. Yeah, Maynard. Good job. Good butt. The Inner Circle. Oh, yeah, right. It's a Maynard-sized project. Yeah, Maynard.

Good job. The Inner Circle. You're some pig. Every month. Wilbur, sorry. Just confusion. I'm going to be quiet. All Charlotte's Web talk aside.

And Maynard and Charlotte. All conversation of Tool and children's literature aside. You get to join the inner circle, which is every month, one of the Max Fun Talent, we're talking about me, talking about Jordan, we're talking about Cameron Esposito, we're talking about an Aaron Gibson, we're talking about a Kevin Allison, will pick a piece of culture, a CD, a movie, a book, you know, whatever, and send it directly to your door. Pick it for you, the member of the inner circle, and send it to your door. Every month you will get a new thing to enjoy hand-selected by a John Hodgman,

by a Ricky Carmona, you know what I mean? By a Brother McElroy. Yeah. I'm guessing whatever Hodgman selects is going to be Lovecraft-related, right? Cthulhu will be involved. Yeah, I figure there's going to be some Cthulhu. Well, you know what? I've been to John Hodgman's house. He has more books.

Every book of lists of interesting things that has ever been released is in his home because he needed them for research, I guess. Sure. But I'm guessing it might be a list of things. What would he research? By the way, of all the friends I feel like I made at the Max FunCon West, John Hodgman's the one that always keeps in contact. He seems like he's a good man. He's a good man and a good friend. I really like that guy.

That guy's read a lot of books. I think he's going to pick a book. I bet he'll pick a book. It'll be a really good book. Have you ever read that book, The Big Con? Uh-uh. Oh, it's so great. I was just reading it.

It's like, it's this book that this, I guess he was like a sociologist or an ethnographer or something like that wrote in the mid-40s about con man culture. Oh,

cool. This was just the very end of con man culture and it's written sort of like a novel full of con man talk. Oh, God,

it is amazing. It is the greatest thing. Okay, anyway, maybe that's what I'll send. Maybe I'll send that. Sure. $200 a month, Jordan's Platinum talk. Oh, God. It is amazing. It is the greatest thing. Okay. Anyway, maybe that's what I'll send. Maybe I'll send that. Sure. $200 a month, Jordan's Platinum Angels. Jordan, that's your operation.

Yeah. You get to go on the maxfund.orgboatparty.biz cruise, the Atlantic Ocean Music and Comedy Cruise. You get a free ticket to that. I mean, not free because you're donating, but you will get a ticket to that. Plus all of the other stuff. Yeah, all the other stuff. Yeah, in case you didn't know about BoatParty.biz, you got your John D'Anoe, the Mountain Goats, your Dan Deakins, Mark Maron, Maria Banford, all the coolest people on a boat headed for the Caribbean.

Yeah. Wow. But here's what's important. No matter what level you can afford to donate at, I know that if you have a job, you can afford to donate at one of these levels. You can afford to pay for this great show and all the other great Max Fund shows that you love. And it's really easy. So there's no excuses. Yeah.

Maximumfund.org slash donate. Just go and do it and money disappears from your account and you never even notice. We're running a sort of office space style, Superman the movie style. Wasn't that one of the plot points in Superman the movie? Oh, those are so boring. I don't know. Something about decimal points. We're going to be leeching away your money.

Oh, yeah. We're committing bank fraud. The Superman with Richard Pryor in it? It's one of them. There was some incremental. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, or we're thinking of office space. Either way.

Yeah, either way. The point is, what I'm trying to say is, I don't, look, I love you whatever level you donate at. But donate at a level. Or I won't love you. Yeah. Oh, and I think we should also mention, I don't know if we did mention this, but the Intimate Sensations Pack, courtesy of ExtremeRestraints.com. Yeah, the folks at Extreme Restraints put it together.

That sounds almost ball gaggy. These guys are- It is. Well, you know, it's funny you should mention that. That's what Kevin Allison just told me he just ordered from Extreme Restraints. Wow. Yeah, they're great. They love our show. So they called us and they said, could we put together like a package of sex stuff for you to give away in the pledge drive?

We're like, uh, yes. Yeah, so this is kind of a great experiment for us in that this is, I think, going to go down in MaxFun history as the sex pledge drive. And I think if people support this, then future pledge drives might get sexier. Yeah. But if it's not a successful pledge drive, I think they'll probably get less sexy. Right. That's a really good point. I think.

Like an overused safe word. Would you say that our watchword for this is SOS, save our sexy? I think it is. Okay. MaximumFun.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, And that's Fairbanks. Yeah, easy. You're looking at them right here. Most requested guests, Fairbanks. People love Fairbanks. People are out there chanting, Fairbanks, Fairbanks, Fairbanks, Fairbanks. On the internet equivalent of that.

Right, right. Maybe they are actually auditorily chanting that, but we don't know. I heard from a few people who had traveled to Fairbanks, Alaska and were disappointed not to find you there. Me being the mayor. They were just confused. me being the mayor. They were just confused. If I had this kind of, you guys were around me, if I had this kind of support every day feeling like that, that makes me feel just great.

We got your back, Chris. Thanks, man. And you know what? Tens of thousands of listeners to Jordan Jesse Go have your back. That's why you're beloved. And fans of great bits about owls. Oh, it's a solid bit. Doesn't always work.

Let's take it to my grave with me. As well you should. It's one of the greatest things ever. Doesn't always work. Let's take it to my grave with me. As well you should. It's one of the greatest things ever. You'll be buried with that bit. That's probably on your album Fairbanks, right? I don't know. I think it might be post that album. People got to go see Chris Fairbanks live to see this owl bit.

Yeah, yeah. Suffice it to say, it's about why owls are always wearing graduation hats. A lot of people don't. They grew up with different scholastic readers or something, and they don't know what I'm talking about. They have different Tootsie Roll commercials. But I can think of many different owls growing up. Almost exclusively they wear those hats. I even had a little calculator that helped test your math.

Right. Yeah, your desk. They had an owl with a hat on. Yeah, yeah. It was a graduation owl. Yeah. Monocle even, I think. Yeah.

That's the kind of shit owls are up to. What else are they doing except finishing a higher level education? And to a certain extent showing up other birds who haven't finished higher level education. Right, right. Just turning their beaks up to pigeons. Like those lazy seagulls. Oh, God. Those sea chickens.

I like the call. Just trying to eat. Hanging out trying to eat cardboard. I went to the, speaking of seagulls, I went to see the premiere of Birdemic 2 the other night. Birdemic is a famous bad movie, right? Famous bad movie made by an insane man kind of along the lines of The Room. And this weird company gave this guy $100,000 to make a sequel. And I was delighted that it wasn't winky or self-referential, but it was the same kind of

terrible earnestness and incompetence that made the first one such a delight. And somebody at the Q&A afterwards asked him about if he was to make a third one. He says, well, I have a story for the third one worked up. It's called Birdemic 3, Sea Eagle. Sea Eagle. And he's like, it's based on an actual article I read about how there's a species of eagle that lives in the sea and that is coming out of the sea to attack people. He's like, this is real. This is a real article I read. And it gradually came out as he was describing this that he had just misheard seagull. Oh, wow. this that he had just misheard seagull oh wow but he gave this long explanation of sea eagles and how he wanted to make them the basis of his next movie so he read an art that had maybe

to his credit had a typo in it i don't yeah that's a great question i don't know how he must have been listening to npr yeah he he is an insane but was this an article where they're talking about seagulls attacking people? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why he thinks they attack people. I think he probably just heard- Because people keep trying to eat clams at seaside restaurants. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. They're going for the clams. Little clam strips. Yeah. I love those. Yeah. Anyways.

Wow. Yes. Verdict 2 is a delight. It's not- It's hilarious. Anyway. I want to see it. $100,000. You could probably hire a couple of real actors.

Thank God he did not. Yeah, the same – there's a couple of the terrible actors from the first one. The main actress from the first one does wink a little bit at the camera, but she's the one from the first movie who seemed the most legitimately talented that you felt kind of bad for. So I think she kind of earned her couple of winks. Gotcha. So she goofs around a little bit and anyway, and seems to be a legitimately talented person, but no one else

is. I'd take a part. If I was getting paid, I'd take a part in a movie like that in a fucking second. No, me too. It seems like a blast. Why isn't anyone inviting the three of us to be in their $50,000 feature film? Yeah. Why are no weird autistic millionaires who have money to burn on a movie inviting us to be a part of their movie?

That's like our primary demographic, Jordan. Weird autistic millionaires? Come on. That's like our main core. It'd just be what we're doing now except we're on a journey walking along train tracks talking. Sure. Then we find a body and then we grow up a little. I just want us to be in Stand By Me again.

Dips on Jerry O'Connell. I feel like if we could just- I'm going to be the fat kid. If we could get in with Lorenzo Lamas, he's got the fucking red telephone that all the crazy autistic millionaires pick up. Yeah. And, you know, foreign, you know, Czechoslovakian financiers. They pick up the line straight to Lorenzo Lamas' house. He's the guy.

And they say, what's the guy? I might have an in with Lorenzo because my headshot is next to his at the dry cleaner down my street. So? So I think that that aligns me with him. Sure. Can you leave a note on his headshot maybe? at the dry cleaners down my street. So? So I think that that aligns me with him. Can you leave a note on his headshot, maybe? Yeah, no, with an arrow just pointing off of mine across the wall. Call me R.E. Autistic Millionaire.

And then your phone number. I just feel like if you're making a $50,000 exploitation film, we have a certain amount of fame. Sure. We can bring that fame. I mean, you guys are well-known from Fuel TV's The Daily Habit. Very, very. Still on everyone's tip of their tongues.

I got a little bit. It's never been hotter. I got a little bit of that Juan Williams notoriety from my association with NPR. I think the three of us could top line a picture if it was a three-hander. And you know what? This doesn't even have to be – listen, I would prefer it be an autistic millionaire. We'll leave an audition. But yeah, sure.

We'll go through the process. We will go through the motions. We're professionals. Only if it's pro forma. Right, exactly. I don't want to go through an audition process where the other people that are being brought in are being brought in for some other reason than simply to satisfy the requirements that there be auditions for the part. Right, right.

And I want to wait in some room with these civilians. I'm willing to put myself through preparing a classical and a contemporary model. Six bars of a song. Yes. But I'm not willing. I don't want it to be a legitimate competition. What I'm saying is I don't want to go in there and there's John Krasinski. Right.

You know, other Jesse Thorne types. Yes. You want to be in there. I don't want to be in there and there's a Clooney in there. Sure. You know what I mean? A Marky Mark in there. Yeah.

I'm prepared to have chemistry reads with various bimbos. Absolutely. I will even practice kissing them. Yeah, if you have to. Do you know I had a callback for Jim on The Office? Did you? Yeah. I didn't get it. But? John Krasinski them. Yeah, if you have to. Did you know I had a callback for Jim on The Office? Did you? Yeah. I didn't get it.

But? John Krasinski did. Yeah. My life's the same. His is way different. Oh, nuts. Yeah, but I was going to say, like, ideally it would be directed by an autistic millionaire.

I'll take a weird, winky, fucking sci-fi mega shark situation, too. I'll be in that. I want to be in that. That sounds like a fucking blast. That would be a total blast. It'd be fun to be in a sci-fi regular animal gone wrong. Jordan has movie credits. This guy's been in two major Hollywood motion pictures.

What's that? The Bullock vehicle you were in? Yeah, all about Steve. Yeah, all about Steve. On FX regularly. Really? Yeah. Guess you're Bullock vehicle you were in? Yeah, all about Steve. Yeah, all about Steve. On FX regularly. Really? Yeah. Guess who's still getting checks for that shit? Guess who? We were interviewing

a very famous skateboarder who's Paul Rodriguez's senior son, P. Rod Jr., said, hey Jordan, I saw you in this Sandra Bullock movie I enjoyed last night. Remember that? Yeah. The famous movie of the world's most famous skateboard guy. Have their own Nike shoe.

Recognize Jordan from this piece of shit film. Oh, man. That's terrible. That's awful. But it is on FX. I never saw it. It's kind of an interesting fiasco. I didn't even mean to say that.

My back started to sweat a little. I regret that as much as letting everyone know I get boners. The point is that Louis C.K. is red hot. Russell Brand is red hot. Jordan is red hot because they're associated with the FX brand. There is no box. Yeah. You're so far out of the box, there is no box.

The Cold War. Where's that Cold War show? Not reality. Actuality. Sure. Oh, I'm sorry. That's another network. Yeah, but-

Fair and balanced. Yeah. But yeah, we will take- Court TV. We report, you decide. We will take the bare minimum, you know, whatever SAG will let you get away with paying people to be in your weird- Yeah, SAG minimum.

That's what I want. I want SAG minimum. I want per diem and I want craft services. Yeah, that's perfect. Cheese and crackers. Here's the rule. We will be in your feature film for the SAG minimum plus a per diem

plus craft services and bimbo vetting. Bimbo vetting skills. And we got a top line, a three-hander. Yeah. Right? Yep. And then it's all set. Yeah, I want to be billed equally. And I got a top line three-hander. Yeah. Right? Yep. And then it's all set. I want to be billed equally. And I'll die in it. I'll go ahead and let you guys know I'll be the one that dies. Oh, thanks.

I mean, I'm fine with dying too. Let's both die. Yeah, let's all die. Thelma and Luis die. We all die holding hands. Oh yeah, maybe we strap bombs to ourselves. Let the shark eat us. So in the end of the movie, we give up. We've agreed it's a shark. It'll probably be some sort of mega shark.

Are either of you guys friends with Mark Cuban? That seems the way to go, right? Get Mark Cuban or that Russian guy that owns the Brooklyn Nets. Those are the two guys that I think could just- Could put us in connection with other autistic millionaires. They would just say, go. Yeah. Let's do this.

You know what I mean? And we could just get, we'll just get a director and a screenwriter on the phone once we got the chat. Screenwriter, schmienwriter,

I'll work off an outline. Yeah, absolutely. Christopher Guest style. Sure. Let's shoot 60 hours and put out a 90 minute film. 70 minutes. Okay.

Let's get Fred Willard. Yeah. At the bare minimum, we got to get Fred Willard. I think this is going to be great, guys. I'm excited. It's us, it's the three of us, the bimbos, Fred Willard. Yeah. At the bare minimum, we got to get Fred Willard. I think this is going to be great, guys. I'm excited. It's us.

It's the three of us, the bimbos, Fred Willard. Fred Willard. Tiffany. Tiffany. Tiffany usually involved in those? Yeah, Tiffany's usually in those. Yeah, Tiffany. I mean-

Hulk Hogan's daughter. Is Hulk Hogan's daughter in those? Hulk Hogan's daughter is in one of them, yeah. Anyone with some notoriety and a crooked boob job. Sure. We'll take what we can get in that department. It's not a huge check that Mark Cuban wrote us. That's why he could write it so easily.

We just got to get one meeting. Yeah. We'll sell it in the room. I feel like it sells itself, though. I think we get one meeting, then we don't show up. Yeah, then you start shooting the movie as if that meeting went great. Well, I think we just stay home, wait for the check.

You know what I mean? We can send an emissary, maybe. Like a singing telegram. You know, like the guy goes up, he says, you know, on his little horn. Yeah, pitch, pitch. I'm here to tell you, Mr. Cuban, that you'll make this film.

Thank you very... Soon you will certainly be rolling in money from the film. You're going to rhyme film with film? Well, I'm no Rogers and Hart. Which one is it? Rogers or Hart? Coffin and Hart. Rogers?

Coffin and Crane. Hart. Hart. Lorenz Hart. When it comes to lyrics, I'm no Lorenz Hart. That's the duo from Ishtar? I don't know. All right.

Anyway. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Jordan, you went to WonderCon, which is, that used to be in san francisco but it's not in san francisco anymore anaheim now that is this is the like little brother of comic-con yeah it's the comic-con that's not that's for the where the focus is still comics not right you know trailers

for movies that are going to come out and glee. God, what a fucking nightmare Comic-Con is. Continue. Yeah, WonderCon is pretty fun. I think that, you know, it still has some nightmare qualities to it, but most of the things are still comic book related. Okay. I got to see a very nice talk from Scott Snyder, the man who was writing Batman, who's doing a very good job.

Oh, is he? Yeah, he's doing a great job. What did he say? I like to look at Batman's dark side. Yeah, right. He's like, yeah, I'm not focusing on the 60s Adam West Batman. Yeah. No, he was very, very sincere and just a total, definitely genuflected to the fans. And he's like, you know, at the end of issue five where Batman says, we were all Gotham?

Well, I was talking about you guys. And then everybody went nuts. Oh, that's terrific. It was great. And I saw something, CC, Cameron Esposito. Oh, yeah? I saw something that really blew my mind that I didn't think was going to blow my mind. Cameron Esposito, we should say, past guest on this program and current host of Wham! Bam! Pow!

the new action and sci-fi movie podcast from MaximumFun.org. I saw a sexy lady hellboy that really did it for me, and I'm like, oh, hey, there's something I didn't know I was into. Sexy lady hellboy. And if someone said,

like if I said to you out loud, sexy lady hellboy, you'd probably go, eh. I'm trying to figure out even what that is. Okay, so I'm going to describe Hellboy as I remember watching the movie Hellboy. I did not see the movie Hellboy 2. Hellboy 2 is a very good movie. Oh, is it?

Should I watch that? Oh, totally. Hellboy 2 is great. I've heard you say that before. Yeah, I'm a big proponent of Hellboy 2. I really enjoyed Hellboy. Hellboy 2 is way better. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay. I like Hellboy. Oh, great. He's got big, thick of Hellboy 2. I really enjoyed Hellboy. Hellboy 2 is way better. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. I like Hellboy. Oh, great. He's got big, thick, severed horns. Yeah. Okay, so it's Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman as a woman. A big bull of a man.

Mm-hmm. He's red. Yeah. He's got kind of a blocky, square body, sort of like The Thing. Mm-hmm. Right? Like he was made out of rocks a little bit. A brow ridge that looked like it involved getting stung by

bees. And then he's got big giant bullhorns on top of his head, but they're sawed off and filed down. And he's always smoking a cigar. Sexy lady hellboy was smoking a big fake cigar. And he's basically the

least sexually attractive to me thing that could exist in the world. I think I know what's going on here. Jordan, did this human just simply have large boobs? I mean, yeah. I know. I mean, yeah. I know. I don't want to say that was all.

Does Hellboy wear a shirt? Hypnotized by boobs. Hellboy does not wear a shirt. He wears like a duster. What about sexy lady Hellboy? Sexy lady Hellboy was wearing a duster, but also had on kind of a little, like a bustier. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I know what hypnotized you. Yeah. But I don't know. I thought the whole ensemble, it could have been just the boobs. I'll give it to you. I could have been, you know. You know what they say, sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar. Sure. Freud said that. Yeah. About sexy lady Hellboy. Yeah. have been – You know what they say. Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar. Sure.

Freud said that about sexy lady Hellboy. And I think it was in Clinton's defense. Did Freud make it out to WonderCon this year? Yeah. I mean he's great. So good with the fans. You know what? Because last year I remember people were like, well, Carl Jung is here.

But you know what I mean? And you're like there's a sort of unspoken where is Sigmund. No, he's great. He'll stay after the panel to sign stuff. He does pictures. Yeah. He loves the fans. Will he only sign his books or will he sign other memorabilia like bananas and cigars?

Right. Anything that's shaped like a dick. He'll sign a picture that could be a vase or two faces. Or, you know, that calendar where he's posing on Ferraris. Oh, yeah. I had that. That is hot. I think we all had that as teenagers.

I mean, I think we just addressed what I'm not attracted to. But the polar opposite of that is that Freud calendar. I mean, that is like. It's hot. That is like a collection of my greatest boners. Sure. 12 of your greatest boners. 12 of my greatest boners is Sigmund Freud on those fucking, that Testarossa.

Come on. Ferrari Testarossa. That's beautiful. Nice lines. Hot psychiatrist. Hot car. You know where he got those cars, right? Jose Canseco, 1988.

Oh, wow. They're friends. Those are Jose Oh, wow. They're friends. Those are Jose Canseco. They're friends. They're unlikely friends. It's fun. And they're both juicing. Oh, yeah.

Freud's ripped. Freud is totally ripped. Freud did not. But you know he didn't spend the time in the gym to get that ripped. Yeah. You know he's on the stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean I'll say this RE boobs is that Comic-Con or your Comic-Cons are very boob-intensive events.

So you're maybe numb to the boobs at that point. I'm not numb, but I took special notice of sexy lady hellboys. This whole situation. Falls on top. So I think there was something else at play. She had nice red features. Yes.

Very lovely red features. A nice blush to her face. I mean and you know authentic costume too. He had the filed down horns fake cigar big gun. So also like

you know authenticity maybe does it for me. You know what I'd like to see? Sexy David Hyde Pierce fish. Oh yeah. That's what I'd like to see? Sexy David Hyde Pierce fish. Oh, yeah. That's what I'd like to see. That's what I'm into. Speaking of sexy psychiatrists.

I also did, speaking of nerd stuff, I did something kind of nerdy here in L.A. recently. I went to the Harry Potter store. Did you guys know that this exists? I did not know that. Why did you do that? I was walking by it. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, I've never been in this Harry Potter store before. Where is it? Universal Studios? No. Here's the thing. It's like Midwilshire. What? Yeah, I know.

It's called Whimsic Alley. Now, we should clarify. Midwilshire and otherwise, it is not your Disney Avenue or whatever it's called. No, there's a lot of entertainment offices there. Yeah, it's not your Disney Avenue or whatever it's called. No, there's a lot of like entertainment offices there. Yeah, it's not even like an area where you would have a store that only sells swords. Yeah. Which is where you would expect to find the Harry Potter store. It's office buildings and delis.

Right, yes, totally. And delis that are closed on weekends because the only customers are people who work at those office buildings. But yes, there's a – and I guess it's not an explicitly a Harry Potter store because it doesn't seem to be licensed. But they basically only sell Harry Potter shit. This is a pretty complex licensing process at this point. You got to pass a test. Sure. You got to catch the golden snitch.

You got to have two years of Harry Potter community college. Is the one employee and owner just a drunken Daniel Radcliffe? With his dick out. I can't stop juicing myself, guys. That's how he talks. I had parked kind of near it, and I was walking back from where I was going, and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to go in this Harry Potter store. I've never been in here before.

It's on the way to the car. And as I'm walking to the Harry Potter store, kind of coming down the other side of the street is like a 40-year-old woman in a cape. Just kind of jaunting around. Did that just do it for you too? No. Saw it off horns in the cigar. That's what it takes. I couldn't see your jugs.

Okay. I couldn't see your jugs. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. So she was coming the other way, and I just kind of thought to myself, oh, I know where this one's going. Yeah. And as we got to the store, she walked right past it. Wow.

I think it would be great if she pointed at you and laughed as you went in. Oh, really? And then flew off into the sky. Right. And then went in the Game of Thrones store. Yes. Yes. What do they in the Game of Thrones store. Yes, yes. What do they have inside a Harry Potter store? Like Harry Potter books.

Harry Potter like memorabilia. There's a little Doctor Who enclave because why wouldn't there be it? Oh, speaking of things I didn't know did it for me, one of the employees – this is the best part about the Harry Potter story easily. One of the employees is kind of a tough-looking lesbian in a schoolboy outfit. That did it for me. I want to ask you about wands. Help me with the wand. Anyway.

That's great. So yeah, they have a lot of different wands. They have – there's kind of the most amazing money waster that I saw in a store devoted exclusively to money wasters is a plaque with – and it showed Harry Potter riding on his broom. And it said – there's a note that says, from the broom prop ridden by Daniel Radcliffe in Harry Potter and the blah, blah, blah, blah. And it is a half a centimeter thread from the broom in its own little glass case. Oh, wow. And this whole kind of thing is erected around the one broom thread. Like matting and all the arrows pointing at it.

Yeah. Just for a strand. Yeah, for a – like I would say an eighth of a broom strand. I'm imagining that and I'm hating it. Yeah. Just for a strand. Yeah. For a, for like, I would say an eighth of a. I'm imagining that. This isn't even a full strand. And I'm hating it. Yeah.

Do you think that people who think they have magic powers and spells who go to the magic store, not the magic store where you buy magic tricks, the magic store where you buy crystals. Do you think those people ever go to the Harry Potter store to pick up a wand just in case that helps? Oh, yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to think. I mean, there was like a-

Do you think there's overlap between the cape for real life? When I say real life magic, understand that I- I don't believe in magic. I don't believe in magic. But the people who sincerely believe in magic, what's the overlap between people who sincerely believe in magic and people who are, you know what I mean? If I was to guess, not knowing much about either of these communities, I would think that a real magic person, a 50-year-old woman with a gray braid down to her butt. And a necklace made of human teeth. Yeah, right.

Yes. A weird murderer. If this real magic lady, I bet they regard the Harry Potter store like a foodie regards a Shakey's. But hold on. Don't you think that the dorkiest 27-year-old, 29-year-old woman who wears purple velvet clothing in Orlando is into both? Don't you think that is the person? She's really into Harry Potter and she thinks maybe magic's real. I think they're into both. I think that the people that buy a kit and learn how to do a trick for performance at a noontime Magic Castle show as of working, they also believe they're a real magician. They're talented and they went to school.

I think the sleight of hand guys also think maybe they could levitate something. Not anyone's born with this. I was born with it. Right. I was born with a special skill. But I'll do these tricks. Yeah. You know, I guess I think of Martin Starr's character from Party Down being a nerd who only likes hard sci-fi.

I kind of think just you bringing up this dilemma, I think that that exists in the magic shit community and that there is someone – No, I'm not denying that it exists. And they make a magic circle at home every night with the five-pointed star in it. And they curse their job at the DMV. But what I'm saying is I think there are people who are both. Who want to wand around just in case. And I think they are younger. I think they're in their mid-20s to late-20s.

Sure. Too old, to be fair, too old to like Harry Potter as much as they do, but not so old that they're the parents of someone that likes Harry Potter. Sure. And they wear a lot of velvet. They shop from the Pyramid Collection catalog. And they think, like, maybe they're only 25% of the way down the road. They're not already a priestess. But they've been going to some meetings. Some magic meetings.

Some magic meetings. And they do bring their wand from the Harry Potter store. But they don't necessarily bring it out because they're not sure what the other people there will think of it. Yeah. I could see that. Yeah. I think that person exists. I also think that someone—

I wonder what is the wand supposed to do for a spell cast? I also think that the wand is currently, right at this very moment, somewhere in America, someone is using a Harry Potter-branded wand to do dowsing. Someone is looking for underground water. Yeah, with the Harry Potter wand. Using the Harry Potter wand. Sure.

In fact, suggestion to the Harry Potter people, Harry Potter dowsing rod. Yeah, sure. You got to have the forked end, if I'm not mistaken. It wouldn't make that exciting of a scene in the movie, but. Right. Well, you know, and there's that epidemic of Harry Potter fans dying in dying in the desert yeah that's true because they get dehydrated they can't find an underground spring a lot of harry a lot of harry potter farmers or harry farmers have been having a hard time digging their wells lately and so their their livestock is thirsty there are there are

harry potter themed farms is that what you're saying? Yeah, absolutely. They grow fart beans or whatever it is that's in. I think, yeah, but I think that's probably the next level. That's the next level of replicas, of fan replicas, is having something that is in some way functional. Right. Like a Daniel Radcliffe robot that you can fuck. Sure, sure.

I was going to say a wand that goes up the butt. Sure. It doesn't have too many like jagged edges. It's maybe smoother. Yeah. Why aren't we- Note to Russian oligarch that owns the Brooklyn Nets. Buy us Potter and make us a movie.

We'll make a Harry Potter spinoff movie if we have to. Yeah. Now, Grant, it's going to be a Harry Potter spinoff. It's going to be a magic school

or something. It's going to be called like Billy Potter versus the monitor lizard. Mm-hmm. Because we got to shoot because we can't afford the effects.

We're just going to shoot practical stuff of a monitor lizard and make it against small versions of buildings. We're going to use the practical stuff of a monitor lizard and make it against small versions of buildings. We're going to use the forced perspective. Yeah, exactly. Like Bilbo Baggins.

We do have access to a monitor lizard. That's part of the package. Sure, yeah. We will provide that. We will provide a lizard. We got a lizard buddy, so we're not sweating it. Yeah, come on. Well, I was going to say, I mean, if we can't find one, let's just hang around that Harry Potter store mid-Wilshire.

I'm sure there's a couple reptile enthusiasts going in there. We'll snatch one off some nerd's shoulder. All right. Kick him in the balls. Wedging him. We got this shit made. I think so, too. I think we have two good business ventures.

I mean, if the Max Fun Drive just fucking crashes and burns, I mean, I think we're going to move on to sci-fi channel originals, starring in them, and also producing them, I guess. Yeah, and midnight movie classics. Yeah. And the Harry Potter merchandise. And Harry Potter shit you can put up your butt. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second.

I'm Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks. Today's guest.

Chris. Huh? I love having you here. It's always sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Chris. Huh? I love having you here. It's always really fun to have you. Thanks. Thanks, guy. I've been kind of lonely lately. I haven't left the place much, and it feels nice to be received by you guys. If you ever want a place to hang out, you can always come hang out in the studio.

To be honest, it's just not in my area. I might not. I live in Marina del Rey. A little bit of a haul. I abbreviate. I might not. I have a little bit of a haul. I abbreviate it by not finishing that sentence. I appreciate the extension, but I do live far away. We got a caffeine-free regular Dr. Pepper if you need one. I will be here tomorrow.

Okay. Done and done. Nine to five. Hey, it's Max Fun Drive time. The funnest time of year. I would say that it's probably the number one funnest time. It's top three. Oh, Christmas is bullshit.

You celebrated Christmas lately? Fuck that. Boring. Snooze. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Passover. Snore.

What's the one that they do in Islam where you don't, that they do in Islam where you don't eat for a month? Ramadan. Screw all of these major religious festivals that are probably sacred to most people. To most of our listeners. One of those is... Guys, I just woke up. What put me to sleep? Was it just mentioning all

those? Look, here's the deal. MaximumFun.org and all of our shows are supported by you, our listeners. And so once a year for two episodes, a total of 12 days, we ask you to give us some money. And it's very easy to do, very fun to do. Hundreds, thousands, nay, thousands of you do. And we really appreciate everyone that does. And we've got maybe, as you heard in the last segment, we have maybe the best batch of pledge gifts we've ever had. So for your donation, you're supporting our shows, but you're also getting some very, very cool stuff.

Here's the other thing about it. You get all of that stuff, and that is great. And you support us, and that is great. And you support us, and that is great. What is really special is every time you listen to the show for the rest of the year, you will think to yourself, hey, I'll make that happen. Like, I'm part of that. Yeah. Look, America, if you can get up off $4 million to make a Veronica Mars movie. Sure.

You can support MaximumFun.org and all this stuff that we make. You can give millions of dollars to some millionaires. Yes. To Warner Brothers. Specifically give millions of dollars to Warner Brothers. Well, yeah. Here's the thing. Jesse and I are doing this because of you guys, because there's fans who love it and support it.

I mean, we're a heritage act at this point. We were a rock band. We'd be R.E.M. Speaking of Peter Buck, who I said earlier in the show. To be fair, we'd be R.E.O. Speedwagon. Sure, R.E.M. Speedwagon. The world's worst mashup band. I'm excited about those mashups.

I want them to happen so yeah it's like we are you know i you know comedians start podcasts for a lot of different reasons and you know as we've seen people have gotten tv shows off their podcasts but i mean we're basically doing this for you guys we make a show because we want to make a great show i mean we're not this isn't a pathway to anything we're not trying to sell tickets to something else. We're not trying to sell sponsorships. We want to make a great show that means something to you. And I hear all the time, I get emails and tweets about what the show means to you. And that's why we do it. We really appreciate it. And it's your donations that allow us to do it. It's your donations that pay for the rent and pay for our producer's salary, pay for our salaries.

Pay for our salary. Pay for our ants on a log. All of that stuff is really directly paid for by you. So if you want to help us and be a part of it, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And the time to do it is not tomorrow, not next week, not in a couple of weeks, but now. And as we've mentioned, unemployed, you get the unemployed exemption. Have a job. MaximumFun.org slash donate.

Let's do this. Yeah. You can afford it. Even if you do steady freelance or consignment work. Mull it over. Consignment work, huh? Yeah, yeah. Like if you're an antiques dealer or...

You know, just one time. You're a mural painter. You're somebody that makes deals. Yeah, yeah. If you're working on consignment, you're probably making deals, right? I guess maybe I mean... You got a couple of loads of... I guess I meant commission. But yeah, consignment, you're probably making deals, right? I guess maybe I mean – You got a couple of loads of – I guess I meant commission.

But yeah, consignment too. Yeah. Well, if you're consigning, like let's just say that you found some artworks. You're going to consign those to Christie's, right? Christie's Auctioneer. Now I know what the word means. Christie's is going to sell them. You're making decent money.

You can afford $10 a month, $20 a month. Sure, you have some dry spells. Sure, absolutely. $5 a month, come on. But hey, feast or famine. Yeah. That doesn't really convince anyone. That's not convincing anyone.

Fight or flight? Fight or flight. Right. That's right. Now's the time to fly. Donate now. Fight or flight. Fly now.

Fly toward that URL. Like a lady on Wil wheelchair with a cape. Seriously, what other donation-supported enterprise will give you a vibrator? Let's just put it simple as that. Yeah. End of the day, what other donation-supported enterprise gives you a fucking vibrator? I was going to say Kristen Wiig. What's the name of the Veronica Mars lady?

Kristen Bell. Is Kristen Bell and Rob Thomas sending you vibrators? No. No, they're not. They don't care about you. They're millionaires. Yeah. They're millionaires who can get meetings.

Why'd you bring up the guy from Matchbox 20? Because he's directing the Veronica Mars movie and I think it's a different guy, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's the same guy. Your point is made. Granted, I have met the one who made Veronica Mars. He was a guest on one of my shows when Veronica Mars was still on television, and he was getting ready to make Party Down. Was Santana with him? to make Party Down.

Was Santana with him? Santana was not with him. And he was less handsome and slightly heavier than the Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20 that I had seen in photographs. However,

that's not proof. No, uh-uh. I have not seen them together. And, if it is at all possible, I'd like us to continue with this podcast with this exact cadence.

Okay! MaximumFun.org slash donate. Thank you for listening. You have no reason not to do it. Maximumfund.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Chris did a nifty move with his headphones just now that I wish you could have seen at home. Smooth. Seamless. Smooth as Rob Thomas in Santana. Give me a hold, make it real, I'll just forget about it. Remember how big a hit that Carlos Santana album was?

We could turn on, we could sift through the stations right now. It's playing somewhere. Carlos. Now, number one, I will just say, I like Carlos Santana. You like his hats? His Panama hats? I like the fact that his kid went to my high school. Sure.

You know, how many multi-bajillionaires send their kid to a public high school? Well. You know, not a lot. How many multi-bajillionaires send their kid to a public high school in San Francisco? Well, you have a link to him, like I said, like I said before, I do with Lorenzo Lamas.

Like the dry cleaning thing. Yeah, yeah. My headshot's next to his. However, that having been said, 30 years after he was famous, Carlos Santana had an album that was as big a hit as anything ever.

Yeah, I think it just came along at that exact right time where, like, super pussy rock was just all the rage. And I'm sorry to use pussy in that derogatory sense, but I think here it's warranted. Balls rock. Balls rock, excuse me. It was just all the rage. And I'm sorry to use pussy in that derogatory sense, but I think here it's warranted. Balls rock. Balls rock.

Excuse me. It was an exact point where there was a void in the need for shit. Yeah. I think just that stuff, that stuff that sounded like that was so popular and just that one song came along and I think he picked all of the, you know, his guests were all the shittiest musicians of the time. The singer from House of Pain. Yeah. Did you know that the song that CeeLo is on, on that album, which CeeLo co-wrote, was the thing that convinced CeeLo to become terrible? I wouldn't, wouldn't, yeah yeah that sounds right to me

I just read I did not know that but it sounds right well Big Boy is one of the pledge guests on Bullseye and in preparing for my interview

with Big Boy from OutKast I read an oral history of the Dungeon Family in which Big Boy talked about the Goody Mobs I mean in which CeeLo talked about

the Goody Mobs terrible terrible album World Party their like famously awful third album after two classic albums and CeeLo talked about the Goody Mobs' Terrible Terrible Album, World Party. Their famously awful third album after two classic albums. And CeeLo was just straight up hip hop. He was a rapper. He wasn't singing, really. He sang a little bit.

He would sing a hook from time to time, but he wasn't singing as badly as he is now. I'm not that familiar with him. He wasn't singing songs that were not in his range as he does now. Yeah, yeah. And he got invited to co-write and sing on that Carlos Santana album, just out of the blue. It made him so much money that he bought a mansion from the money he made from being on a song on that album.

Yeah, that's just like what a relic of the old music industry too when you just had a song and then were a millionaire. And that convinced him that rather than try and make a good Goody Mob album or be a good rapper, which he was a great rapper, he would commit himself

in the future to being one of the worst, most annoying figures in all of popular music. That's amazing to me. I mean, I'm sure that Crazy helped too. But I'm just saying. That was a big hit. Yeah, the thing that made him want to make...

I remember liking that song. I did not. I just did. It's fine. I understand. I just enjoyed it. Catchy. I think I get a big... I know where this is to call. I bet those dudes... God, I think we brought in the bonus episode, I think we bring up this same phenomenon with Eliza Skinner, R.E. Sugar Ray.

When they stopped wanting to be a hard rock band and just wanted to start being. I bet you get sick of being like a credible, struggling guy. Oh, yeah. I bet that gets lame. I'm sick of it. Sure. I'm super sick of it. That's why I want people to go to maximumfund.org slash donate.

Or get Carlos Santana over here. I'm done with this. I want to have a show that's a big hit where I can be like, I can have ennui. I want to have ennui. I want my big problem to be, I want my big problem to be, I have a lot of listeners or fans or whatever. And so then my issue is everyone's always trying to take my money. Everybody wants to like manage my career, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead of what I'm at now, which is I just keep pounding a stone and hoping blood will come out. But thankfully, the good news is there's people out there.

We got people. Sure. We got people. Look, we're not Marc Maron. We don't have to sell out. I just added myself to it. We're not Chris Fairbanks. We don't have that Chris Fairbanks level success.

I was struggling horribly at this club in Indianapolis. Crackers. And it's a weird city. It's like a weird collection of really east coasty grumpy people and then southern NASCAR mustached rednecks hats that reference farting. And David Letterman. And then

half the room is just black folks that aren't sitting with anyone else. It was just a weird... And so I wasn't hitting with the audience at all. And I was having rough... They'd laugh at certain things. They even liked the owl joke they liked the owl joke but my last night there

I'm like I know how to entertain people I know I'll just do this for fun and I wore my old timey sweater that I wore to Max FunCon that is my favorite sweater

but it looks like kind of rustic and I did my whole act in the southern accent just subtly but I just did I just talked like this the whole time, but I never gave up, and I just did my own. You did your own material, but you did a sort of B-minus, sort of foghorn, leghorn type accent. All I did is have that accent.

I didn't adjust my timing, and I killed. And that's what happened to Larry Cable. Yeah, that's exactly the career story of Larry the Cable guy. He was a C-minus Jerry Seinfeld, and then he started doing his stupid voice. And I wouldn't be enough like him that people would even make that. I don't think anyone would go, hey, he's ripping off Larry. No one will ever say that. You're ripping off Larry the Cable.

I could do that. I know if I did that, if I pitched myself and I made tapes and I sent them out just to clubs, change my name, whatever, I would have a career, a decent career. What do you think would be a good name? Real Cream Jones? Barton Asshole. Yeah, Jarvis P. Married

Funhouse. Jarvis P. Funhouse. Married a funhouse. Jarvis P. Funhouse. Married to Funhouse. Jarvis P. Funhouse. Is he the guy that kind of stutters and yodels while talking? Can you change your name to Porky? My name is Jarvis P. Yodeling Funhouse.

Porky Yodels is what I think you should call yourself. Oh, okay, Porky Pig. Porky Yodels. I thought you meant, in addition to that, I should get comedically fat. Couldn't hurt. Couldn't hurt. Couldn't hurt. Not a bad idea.

I think it would help you. I'm just saying. There are things that you can do, but don't do them. Okay. So we should, if people don't go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, we should try it. Yeah. If you don't donate, we are going to do the Yodeling-ist, down by the holler, variety. Just, what's the region equivalent of racist?

That's what we'll do. Yeah, we'll, on a hee-haw level. Yeah. We're going to be, Jordan's going to be plucking the old banjo. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm going to be telling grandmama jokes. And I will take care of the racism.

Okay, when something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dummy. 206-984-4FUN, or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We got a couple calls this week. Let's run out the first one. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Dino calling with a momentous occasion. After 18 years of being fat, I just finished my first salad. It was a chicken kebab salad that I got after the guy at the deli told me that they hadn't turned on the fried chicken machine yet. Because I was going to get wings, but I guess not now. And the salad was good.

It tasted like vegetables. It was weird. Usually, you don't have things that healthy. I don't know. All right. Well, thanks for that, 2013 Imm't know. All right. Well, thanks for that. 2013, Immortal Power. All right. That's going to really hurt your comedy career, dude.

This is one of the most amazing calls we've ever gotten, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, first salad. His first salad. And I believe it. I thought he was going to say he lost weight. Yeah, he got a gastric bypass. Right, so after 15 years of being fat, I lost some weight, and now I'm – he ate his first salad. How old is he?

Did you catch his age? He didn't say, but I'm going to say he's 24. Yeah, wow. Sounds about right. First salad. Do you believe that? I guess. I believe it.

Yeah. Can I tell you what's a nice salad? You make yourself – first of all, if you're out there and you're not making your own salad dressing, come on. Yeah, get out. Don't. There's, if, anyone in the world can make their own salad dressing. It's inexpensive to the point of almost being free. It's delicious.

It's the best. You can tweak it however you like. You can introduce new It's the best. You can tweak it however you like. You can introduce new elements if you want. You can make it different every time. Make a nice balsamic vinaigrette. Get some arugula. Do yourself a favor. Slice some smallish, flavorful tomatoes into quarters.

Yeah. Shave some Parmesan. It's a very simple salad, and you're going to love it. Sounds like a pretty good salad. You could throw some walnuts in there. I can't throw any walnuts in there, and my wife hates nuts. Oh, okay. Someone could throw some walnuts in there.

Not if my wife's coming over. Check to make sure Teresa isn't coming over. I just want to make sure that people out there know not to put nuts in any salad that my wife is going to eat because she does not like nuts. She'll have to eat around them. Does she have an allergic reaction? She does not have an allergic reaction. She just hates nuts. So her reaction will simply be, I do not care for these nuts.

She will eat peanuts in a pinch. Like if there's some situation where it would be – If it's a saw situation. She is in some sort of head harness. I mean if it would be rude to not eat peanuts, she will eat peanuts. But that's about it. Hates walnuts. Oh, walnuts are her worst enemy.

She hates walnuts. Wow. I enjoy nuts thoroughly. This will probably be one- It's fun to snack on. This will probably be an episode of her in business podcast, One Bad Mother, at some point. And hating nuts and how it relates to motherhood. Yeah.

I think that's pretty good. Okay, next call. That's a nice salad though. If you want to make a dressing, this is what you do. You put about two-thirds olive oil, one-third balsamic vinegar. Then you add a little bit of something so that it, what's that called? Not coagulates. What's the thing where it stops being separate?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh, you gotta add something else to make it do that. So I would recommend a little bit of maybe dried mustard or even just regular deli mustard. You add a little salt, a little sugar. Give that shit a shake,

and how about this? If you want to go balls to the wall, crush a fucking clove of garlic, put that in there. Or, mince some shallots and put those in there. That fat kid that eats fried chicken, his mouth is watering right now. That guy is like, this is going to be the best.

And also, I didn't even know this. Arugula actually tastes pretty good. And it's fun to go arugula. It's even more fun if you're English because in England it's called rocket. Rocket? Rocket. A rocket salad? After the Herbie Hancock song, I can only assume.

I like to throw a pear in a salad. Oh, that does sound nice. Cut up a pear and put that in there? Yeah. Sweet. Daiju pear? Oh, a Daiju pear. Yeah. It's a nice pear to put in a salad. Daiju pear? It goes nice with the vinaigrette. It does go nice.

I can see that. Put a pear in there. Or you could yell that out if you're a murderer who likes to kill your Nazi murderer who likes to kill twins. Daiju pear. murderer who likes to kill your Nazi murderer who likes to kill twins. Did you pair? Sorry, I should leave. Hey, remember at your cervix?

That was a fun time. That was really good. I don't know if that was really good. I can do the same thing with that you pair. We had fun with that. Let's take our next call. Jordan, Jesse, I just turned off the light in my bedroom, opened my window in snow-covered Massachusetts, and peed. And it felt awesome.

Bye. You've got to get a nice cross breeze if you're going to pee in your bed. Peed out the window? Yeah. Out the window, right? Well, he didn't say out the window. He said he opened his window and peed. The only reason.

I think he peed down his leg. I guess you could open your window from your bed, depending on the place. He said he opened his window and peed. The only reason. I think he peed down his leg. I guess you could open your window from your bed, depending on the place. Well, the thing is, the whole place is going to stink like pee if you don't open the window. You should probably pee into the snow. I bet that's what he wanted to do. And if he was, he was writing his name. Sure. You think he was writing his name from the window.

When I was a kid, my best friend Ross had a personalized license plate, yellow snow. Ross sounds like a lot of fun. He's a fun guy. He seems really fun. He's a fun guy, yeah. That sounds like a blast. He's almost in the Olympics for snowboarding. Oh, wow.

I think he had a light. For snow peeing. Did I say boarding again? Snow peeing was almost in the Olympics. Like he's in the cursive category. I mean he was going to take it all the way, but then he found out that event doesn't exist. He was the only guy, and now everyone does it, all the new guys, but he's the only guy

that used to punctuate everything with a period. Do you know how hard it is to hold your stream and then have a short burst at the end? And then shoot it out, yeah. And he was done. That was the last of his urine. Like, he's like, oh. He knew how to ration his urine.

Yeah. God, such good urethral control on that guy. I would love to watch like a personal interest behind the scenes story about the training center where 25 American Olympic athletes. Russia. Are standing, just Americans. They're standing in a sort of phalanx and they have a look of consternation going onto and off of their face as they just do kegels. Because that's the only exercise you do for that. Urethral flexing.

Drinking water. Water drinking to try and make your belly bigger. And then kegels. Absolutely. Stop the stream. No other working out. Do you think there's like a Russian, like a bearish Russian man going, begin stream. Stop. Begin. Stop.

Begin. Stop. Begin. And then he just hit someone. Yeah. Sentences in Spanish. Do upside down question mark at beginning. I want to see your enyes.

So is there a thing like, it just seems like this. Cyrillic, please. You say P, I say what font. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is Dave Armstrong calling you from the Hollywoodland suite at the beautiful Lowe's Hollywood Hotel in the midst of our Diabetic Foot Conference meeting, or as it might be known, DEF CON. Diabetic Foot Conference meeting, or as it might be known, Descon. Listen, you guys, I think you've got a groupie on your hands and me. I couldn't stop laughing at that session.

And in fact, there's a little pathology because I was laughing so hard at that session that I believe I ruptured one of my redundant organs. It's not what you think. It was a kidney. And now I've got one of my buddies. Thank God. He's a transplant surgeon from Sri Lanka, but don't hold that against him. I think he's going to hook me up with a replacement part maybe either during the meeting or afterwards.

But listen, you guys are terrific. Thanks a bunch. Really, really loved it, and guys are terrific. Thanks a bunch. Really, really loved it and have at it. And hopefully you guys talking about this can make a difference in the unnecessary amount of amputations done every year in people with diabetes, not only here but around the world. So there's my public service announcement. I'm going to go have my transplant now downstairs over just outside of the catering area. God bless you. Bye. To be fair, he has not heard any of the episodes where I say keep it pithy. Yeah.

And he didn't hear the episode where we warned people against sliding Sri Lankans. Okay, so we got this catalog for the Diabetic Foot Global Conference 2013, DFCon 2013. And it is a medical conference based on the study of diabetic feet. Diabetic feet. Oh, just, yeah, whether or not to – Whether or not to amputate. You know, the classic Kevin Mitchell's dilemma.

Former giant slugger Kevin Mitchell, late in his career when he was playing semi-pro, there was some question as to whether his foot would have to be cut off. And how similar is that to gout? I think it's probably the same. I'm not a scientist or a doctor. I'm not Sri Lankan. But I can tell you that I think it's probably the same. If you were Sri Lankan, though, we wouldn't slight you like he did.

Gout is a painful inflammatory condition, I believe. Yeah. What's a trout? That's a fish. It's an outfielder for the angels. John Trout. So this guy is the guy. Apparently, someone heard about this thing.

Oh, this is what happened. One of our listeners tweeted about this episode of the show. Yeah. Hashtagged it JJ Go as we ask people to do. And then they also hashtagged it DFCon2013 guessing that that was the hashtag for the conference but not having any idea, just doing it as a joke. He said like, oh, I learned so much about diabetic feet from this week's Jordan Jesse Go. The catalog, by the way, all of the sessions have joke pun names.

So that's what we read on the show. So this woman says, I learned so much about diabetic feet on Twitter. Hashtag JJ Go. Hashtag DFCon 2013. Included a link. This guy runs DFCon 2013, names the joke panels. He happened to see it. He said, I wonder what she means by that.

Click through, listen to the episode. Now we're probably the most famous podcasters in the entire foot amputation community. Wow. No, you know, they love Marin. They do love Marin. They love Marin. Actually, I went to dinner with this guy, and he was like, I heard that you helped Mark Marin start his podcast. He just likes it that comedians are dropping the act and getting real.

Yeah. And he can see the sad clown. Sure. Get a sense of the sad clown. By the way, Mark Marin's WTF season three coming soon to public radio as produced by Jesse Thorne and Nick White. Great. But we're the second most famous. We're probably the second most famous after Mark.

And Chris Hardwick, third. Stuff you should know. Adam Carolli in the foot amputation community. Grammar Girl. Yeah. So we're top 20. Top 20. Don and Drew.

Yeah. The Podfather. I bet they barely like us. They sort of resent us. Yeah. The Podfather. I bet they barely like us. They sort of resent us. Yeah. For stealing their material. I think they think of us as sort of being like Carlos Mencia, which is to say, like, sure, we read it in our own style. Like, we brought our own flavor to it, but we were still stealing their material.

Right. You know what I mean? We're entertainers. My position on it is... Whatever you got to do with it. I like how I say we like I'm always here. We sold it.

You know what I mean? They weren't selling it. They just had it in this fucking little pamphlet. They weren't even saying it on a podcast. No. Which is a mistake.

There's no doubt that we should be hired to perform at DFCon 2014. No doubt. There's a lot of doubt. It would be a to perform at DFCon 2014. No doubt. There's a lot of doubt. It would be a bad idea. I think it would be a great idea.

You think it would be a great idea? Jesse, have you been to DFCon? Do you have any idea the babes that show up at this thing? Seriously? I mean, Ferrari-caliber babes. Ferrari babes? These babes are Testarossas, Jesse. Oh, this place is chock-aoblock with Testarosa babes? Yeah.

D.F. Khan, man. It's my foot fetish. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Our live streaming show from MaxFunHQ featuring Cameron Esposito from WaymanPow, Biz Ellis from One Bad Mother, and... Brian Safi from Throwing Shade. You got it. How do I watch it?

Just go to MaximumFun.org on Friday, April 12th. Okay, it'll be on a... There'll be a live stream in there. A moving box that is a streaming... You'll get a little chat box. You can get in the chat room, do some chatting. Okay. Some people have been asking me on Twitter if we are still accepting MaximumFun.org slash

fiction. Yes. I'm saying yes, we are. Is there a place they should send it? Email it to JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Okay. We're really excited about the slash fiction community. We're going to read the slash fiction.

Yeah. Well, we're definitely going to. We got to read it to evaluate it. Yeah. How else will we know if it's good or bad? Yeah. How else will we know if it's really publishable? Got to read it.

I mean, they say it's publishable, but... And just because it's a tradition in the world of slash fic, Kirk and Spock can be involved. Yeah. Look, I've got to be able to get a Lorenzo Lamas on the line and sell him on this, so I got to read it first. I'm telling you. If I get Eric Estrada on the phone, he runs a major publishing imprint, by the way, I got to know that Tiffany is going to say yes. Is that how publishing works? Basically, yeah.

Okay, great. Yeah. Thank God. I got worried for a second. I got worried. Oh, no, that's how the music industry works. Sorry, I forgot. It's all Lorenzo Lamas. Yeah. Thank God. I got worried for a second. I got worried. Oh, no, that's how the music industry works. Sorry, I forgot. It's all Lorenzo Lamas.

Yeah. Okay, look. Bottom line, we hope you've enjoyed this week's program. It's the MaxFunDrive. If you like this show, please support it. If you have a job. MaximumFun.org slash donate. It's simple.

There are levels that everyone can afford. There are amazing thank you gifts. And most of all, every time you listen to one of our shows, you'll think I'm a part of that. I'm making that happen. We're trying to do something that I think is very different from other media enterprises. And the only way that it works is if you support us. This is something where we think that the work that we do on Jordan Jesse Go is actually important,

despite the fact that this is not something we could write a grant for. You know what I mean? This is not something that is appealing to advertisers. You know, Coast Dishwashing Soap doesn't want to advertise on our show where we make vulgar jokes about the diabetic foot con. But we think it is actually a really good, important, valuable thing that we're doing for the world. And I think that because you are a listener, you probably think the same.

So if you think that, if you think it's worth a few bucks, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Yeah, you should. Great thank you gifts. You got sponsored by dildos. Great thank you gifts for supporting us. You got sponsored by dildos. We got those free dildos. Yeah, you can keep your dish soap coast. Yeah, you can't shove that up your butt.

It'll give you an infection. Yeah, that's right. And do never, never put soap in your pee hole. Yeah. To be fair, don't put the dildo in your pee hole. Is that how you used to get out of group showers? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it burns.

Stop doing that, you smelly kid. Brian Fernandez on the boards. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll see you next time. We'll see you online. People are going to be blowing up the fucking Twitters. You should be. Facebook's.

Yeah. For everybody out there. There's a free trip to Los Angeles on the line here, right? Yeah. Not only that. Hollywood. People who are already donors have gotten together to make a challenge donation. Every new donor that we add during the Max Fund Drive, we get more than five bucks.

Hey, that's great. More than five bucks. That's enough to cover the shipping of your prizes. And I'm just glad that we're talking in this cadence again. Go to MaximumFun.org. Go to donate. Get a puff a few bucks.

Get a puff a few bucks, right? Come on. We're going to make it to a thousand donors. The money that would make a huge difference to us and this organization would not even cover one day of craft services on the Veronica Mars movie. Your money goes a totally long way with MaximumFun.org. To be fair, though, the rights to Jordan, Jesse, and Go are owned by Warner Brothers.

So whatever money you send to – we will be at the – we're sort of front and center on this fundraiser. But all the money we'll sort of bury at the bottom is just going directly to Warner Brothers Pictures. So just FYI, just to get that out there. Yeah. So a lot of your money will be going to drafts of a Justice League movie that they will never make. Yeah. Exactly. Do you know Warner Brothers owns the Happy Birthday to You song?

No, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. That's a fun – yeah. Can't sing it in a movie and stuff. We don't have Happy Birthday to You song. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. That's a fun – yeah. Can't sing it. I came on. We don't have happy birthday money. We need you guys to support us. That's right.

Maximumfund.org slash donate. And to everyone who does support us who is headed to the computer, I just want to say a really sincere thank you because this is – we are so happy and we love to do this show. We love to be able to do this for you yeah it's great and i think i think we we we definitely grouse a little bit uh uh when would fans correct us about which kiss songs may or may not be kiss songs and which are paul stanley solo songs but uh just the nice stuff that people say about us on the forum and on twitter and when you say you like the show and when you encourage people to like the show, like it just means so much. And, yeah, so thanks for doing that.

And thanks for donating. It's really great. And I think this is definitely the most fun thing Jesse and I do in our careers, which involve many things. I mean I met Catherine O'Hara the other day and this is even more fun than that. This is totally more fun than that. Maximumfun.org slash donate. Thanks, guys. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan Desico. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener

supported.