Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 270: Truth Bombed with Dave Horwitz

Episode Date: April 8, 2013

Comedian and writer Dave Horwitz joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's flu, Jordan's tour bus encounter and Dave's trip to a renaissance fair.

Hey guys, it's Maximum Fun Drive Time, and I wanted to let you know that Friday night, that's this Friday night, the week that this show is released, we are live streaming a two-hour Jordan Jesse Go show from Maximum Fun World Headquarters. You can find more information online at MaximumFun.org or just on Friday night, you can go to MaximumFun.org. It's going to be great. We've got lots of friends of the show, including folks from the MaxFun family, coming on to be our guests. We'll be probably taking your emails or shit, I don't know, but it's going to be fun. So we'll talk to you Friday night. Let's get on with the show.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles, Jordan.

Yeah. Hey Jesse, did you notice that I'm reeling? I noticed that you were reeling. Can I tell you why? Because we're in Carolina? Kentucky? Oh, no, no, no. I meant like emotionally reeling. Then why are you doing that dance? Oh, this is just like no. I meant like emotionally reeling. Then why are you doing that dance? Oh, this is just like a cardio thing that I do. Gotcha.

I'm having heart problems. Scotland. You know what? Can we bring in our guest and then I can tell you why I'm reeling? Because I'd like to get his take on this too. Absolutely. A favorite guest on this program. Last heard on the legendary Bud Light Lime episode.

I wasn't present for the Bud Light Lime episode. I wasn't present for the Bud Light Lime episode, but it did take place in my house while I wasn't there. Comedian, writer, actor, Mr. Dave Horvitz. How are you, sir? I'm great. How are you guys? Good. We're good.

So, Dave, can I tell you why I'm reeling? I want to know. Yesterday, at lunch lunch in the wild, I heard a sling blade impression. I heard a guy do the sling blade voice. This is huge. Are you sure

you weren't just looking at a BuzzFeed page top 10 90s impressions? Top 10 asshole impressions. No 10 asshole impressions. No, I was, I think BuzzFeed was not involved. Okay. Where were you? I was at a restaurant.

What restaurant? Important. I was at, I was at Dr. Hoggly Woggly's Barbecue. Okay, you brought this on yourself. Yeah. End of, end of segment. Well, that's not a real restaurant. It's totally a real restaurant. It's in Van Nuys.

It, uh. You know what? I've actually heard of this place. It's – you know, I went to it because Adam Carolla is always talking it up. It's a big Carolla fave. It's called Dr. Hogley Wogley's, H-O-G-L-Y. How is Wogley spelled? Huh?

Wogley? Oh, W-O-G. Traditional spelling. Oh, double G? Yeah. No, no, 1G. 1G on Wogley. Can spelling. Oh, double G? Yeah. No, no. One G. One G on Wagle. Can I ask you a question?

You may. Is the proprietor of this restaurant a cartoon goat in a waistcoat? Yeah. You can feed him a can in lieu of paying him for the meal. If you bring a tin can with a floppy top, he will eat the top. It's one of the best deals in town. Yeah. You will eat the top. It's one of the best deals in town.

Yeah. So, yeah, it's in this real kind of crummy neighborhood of Van Nuys, you know, big leather booths, just kind of watercolors of, you know, landscapes on the wall. Describe what Van Nuys is, too. Like a crummy place. Like just this real crummy place. It's kind of north of Hollywood. It's where porn and murder happen. Yeah. There you go.

Sometimes in tandem. Yes. The best kind of both. It's the kind of place that seems like it should be abandoned but isn't quite. Right. Yeah. It's what – I mean if Detroit didn't have its thriving juggalo industry. Uh-huh.

Sure. What Van Nuys needs is some juggalos. No, it's kind of, you know, we were supposed to tape yesterday. You weren't feeling well. Uh-huh.

So I'm like, well, hey, I've got a free afternoon. I'm going to go to this barbecue place that I've heard nothing. I'm going to hit up Wogley's. I'm going to hit up

Hogwog's. Dr. Hogwog. Sure. Yeah, so, you know, it's a 30-minute drive, so I drove up. So, you know, it's a 30-minute drive. So I drove up there and, you know, enjoying a nice pork sandwich. Sure. In a booth.

What are you talking about? Pulled pork? Yeah, pulled pork. Coleslaw on top. Side of baked beans. A slaw top? A little bit of sweet. A little bit of sweet in those beans.

Sweeten those beans. And I just heard from behind me, mm-hmm, I like some nice hot mustard on my French fried taters. Okay, well, I'd like to say this. I was expecting it to be apropos of nothing. As in a completely unmotivated Sling Blade impression. I want to say I hate it a little less because he was, in fact, enjoying French fried potaters. But I don't. I still feel empty.

I don't. You know, that's a great explanation is that he was maybe – I didn't notice what he was eating. It didn't occur to me to look at this guy's plate. Well, were French fried potaters possible to be – like could you get that? I think so. I think so. OK. Yeah. Do you think in retrospect that you would have felt more full spiritually if you had heard – if Jordan had heard this Sling Blade impression say at a bank window?

Like in an interaction with a teller. Like, oh, can I get some? I've never seen Sling Blade. I don't even really remember how the impression goes. Can I get some 10s and 20s? Yeah. And some nice hot mustard. On my money.

On my money. Which I eat. I'm retarded. The only way that I would have felt not completely empty is if it was during a conversation that you had with Billy Bob Thornton. You're a friend and confidant. It is weird that for a while that was like – like this is a small talky Miramax movie, kind of in the tradition of those early 90s Miramax movies. And for some reason it had an impression that for a while was as ubiquitous and assholey as Austin Powers. But it was also around the same time as Forrest Gump, which is a similar. Oh, southern slow guy.

Southern slow dummies. And I think it was just people imitated Forrest Gump all the time because he liked to speak in the third person or just say his own name. A lot of quotable bits. And then in Sling Blade, it's like another weirdo slow dude, but he talks about killing someone with a blade. Right? Right. Isn't that what it is? Yeah, a lawnmower blade. Some folks call it

a Kaiser blade. I just like to say all of those lines completely straight. You know, some folks call it a Kaiser blade. I call it a Sling Blade. Like that's how the actors, before they cast Billy Bob, came in and just read it straight. There was a variety of reads. Some people did it in the Queen's English. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade.

I do like hot mustard on my french fried taters. Taters? Taters. Am I saying that right? Did I get it? No, Tim Roth. That's not what he sounds like. And then he said, fuck you, I could be in any Miramax movie I want.

I'm Tim Roth. Yeah, so this, I looked at who it was, and it was a middle-aged guy. No. I know. Stop. Let me continue. Let me blow your minds further. Well, well-dressed and very handsome.

Tank top. What? And mustache. Yeah. Oh, okay. But he was wearing a tie. Yes. Top hat and tail.

It was one of those tank tops with the bow tie on it. Right. Oh, smart. Yeah, yeah. Smart. With the bow tie drawn on. Sure. And he was talking to an elderly couple.

Oh. Like a grandma and a grandpa. So like this old guy brought his – or this – sorry. This middle-aged man brought his parents maybe to a barbecue restaurant and regaled them with accurate impressions of 90s independent cinema. Yes. And now a monologue from Things to Do in Denver when you're dead. This guy does an amazing Romy and Michelle. Yeah.

Name an Andy Garcia movie. Name an Andy Garcia movie. Name an Andy Garcia movie. Do it. This guy. Okay. Well, only things to do in Denver when you're dead. But name that one and I'll do it. Right.

I also actually had a magical moment this morning. I've been out of commission for a few days and I sort of missed my son because I've had the flu and so I can't really – you can't really interact with a sort of missed my son because I've had the flu. And so I can't really you can't really interact with a small child when you have the flu because they could die. Right. So you sent him to boarding school. But this morning I was he was sitting in his you know, he's got like a little high chair with a little table in front of it. And I pulled him out there and I was going to get a banana.

I was going to go read him a book and eat a banana. And he said, oh, banana, banana, banana, banana. So I was like, okay, I'll cut up some banana and give you some of my banana. You know, I'm a big man. I get a lot of bananas. Sure. You know what I mean? You're an adult. I'm not trying to brag.

You can give him a banana. There's probably going to be three more in the pantry. I need a fucking lifetime supply of bananas. Yeah. Okay. So I put the banana. Jesse, I wouldn't say that or else some gorillas are going to burgle your house. It's going to be a fucking panic room situation at your house.

This guy's bragging about all the bananas he's got. Dude, we got to get there. All right. I know the combination. It's grunt, grunt, grunt. Pound, pound, throw grass. Fine animal gorilla. Yeah, Jesse, have you seen the preview for that movie The Purge?

You're going to have a The Purge situation on your hands, but with gorillas. I just saw it. Wait, I want to know. I feel like my heart's about to be warmed, so I'm going to brace myself. So I put the banana down on the counter. Is that because your heart is warmed by the thought of a gorilla siege? Yes. Sorry.

Sorry. And go to grab, you know, a knife to cut up the banana. And I get the knife and the cutting board and I turn around. And you know, like, a racist photograph of a young african-american boy eating a slice of watermelon uh photograph or crude drawing excuse me yes um my son is doing that but with an unpeeled banana sideways sideways oh golly like. Like he's playing a harmonica or something. Like he's playing a harmonica on a banana that has not yet been peeled. Has he bit through it or is he just gumming it?

He's got his teeth in it. I wouldn't say he's bit through it. It's not like it came out of his mouth and it had a baby mouth shape. A perfect bite taken out of it. Wow. That's pretty good. See, I mean, probably the next step is teaching him to pretend it's a telephone. Yeah.

I mean, you know, if you are looking to teach your son things that will amuse you. And also – That's the baby's job, right? Under the general category of banana skills. Yeah. There's a hierarchy of banana skills that Yeah. There's a hierarchy of banana skills that can be pegged to various developmental levels. I think the bite is squarely in the middle and telephone is at the far end. But what's the –

No, I disagree. No? I think you start with bite with skin on. Second level is telephone, skin on. Sure. Third level is peel from the part that sticks out. Fourth level is do that peel that someone will always tell you about. Oh, from the bottom.

That no one has ever actually done but a monkey where you squeeze the bottom and then it pops open like a fucking orchid. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think kind of a sub skill or a building block skill you need to get to that is teaching your son about prehensile feet. True. Does he have prehensile feet. True. Does he have prehensile feet yet? Has he reached that phase?

He does not. And his tail is almost completely useless. Oh, man. That's disappointing. They don't tell you that about kids, that their tails are going to be useless. Then they pop out and they can't grip a doorknob with it? Yeah. They can't swing?

Dumb. Yeah. I had poles put in every room in my house so that he could do things with all four of his limbs at the same time while hanging from the pole by his tail. Hasn't happened yet. This kid is a fucking waste. I would argue that above the ceiling, so if the bottom peel is the ceiling, breaking through it is if the kid memorizes the YouTube video of Kirk Cameron talking about how amazing bananas are and how they could only be created by God as proof that God exists. If your kid walked into the living room and started saying that, you got a certified genius on your hands. One that needs to be deprogrammed immediately. But a genius.

Wait. In this scenario, is the kid saying this to make fun of Cameron or is he bought into it? Is he drinking the Kool-Aid? You know what? The Cameron Kool-Aid. I'm going to say he's got a sense of irony about him. Oh, okay. So he can also recite Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka video.

Yeah. Other famous YouTube fiascos. I'd argue that maybe before he does that, he might learn to put a condom on it with his mouth so he can become a cool safe sex demonstrator. I'm sure. Maybe he can go from dorm to dorm. Yeah. Wait, with his – I don't know if – Yeah, that's what cool –

In his demo? Yeah, that's what they do in the cool demo. Yeah, remember the movie Old School where Andy Dick does it and he's in that little half shirt? I thought that was in a blowjob class. I thought that was just that time I met Andy Dick does it and he's in that little half shirt. I thought that was in a blowjob class. I thought that was just that time I met Andy Dick. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Andy Dick didn't know there was a movie taking place.

He was just doing that. That's a real rite of passage for a lot of Angelenos is their When I Met Andy Dick story. Have we ever talked about one time on, one time at Max FunCon, Ass Cat were one of the big acts, the Upright Citizens Brigade. I think we have described this, but I think for Dave's benefit, we should do a close-up.

I'll give you the quick version. So they said that sometimes when they're in an unusual place, they like to predict how many people have been sexually assaulted or molested by Andy Dick. Had some kind of appropriate, inappropriate physical. I think kind of what it was was they predict that no matter where they are, more people will have been assaulted by Andy Dick than have ridden an elephant. Yes. Yeah. That's – you're absolutely correct.

And sure enough, Max Funcon, which is not a – which is not an L.A. comedy thing. More people had been assaulted. Just people who had come from various places. I think it was three to two or four to three. That's fascinating and not surprising. Yeah. I haven't had mine. And none of them were in L.A.

Like somebody was like, yeah, I was in Austin. I was in Tulsa. Yeah. Wow. I saw Andy Dick at a bar. Yeah. I have. And he tried to stick his finger in my butt.

Thankfully, I was wearing pants. Yeah. No, I've never had any of those gleeful kind of drunken interactions, just sad, sober ones. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I produced a live show where he was doing a long run of sketches there and that was when he had his alcohol monitor on at all times. That was when he had his alcohol monitor on at all times. But the one that I remember is I went to Las Vegas with a comedian and friend, Charlene Yee, who was taping a special for Pauly Shore. Real weird scenario there.

Charlene Yee? That's a match made in heaven. Yes. Was taping a special for Pauly – Avant-garde musical comedians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it. The lineup was the likes of Tom Green, Andy Dick, Faison Love from the film Friday. Dave Navarro was making a live cameo in a bit.

Oh, this was part of the disparate tour. And then somebody had dropped a line to Charlene and she met with Mr. Shore. He was – I remember she told me that he kept calling her Bobby Lee and thinking that was very funny. She did not think that was funny. Well, that's not funny. That's racist. That is not a funny joke. I don't know if I'm at liberty to – it doesn't matter. Who cares?

It's Pauly Shore. Yeah. How dare you defame Pauly Shore, the good name? He built his house. He's got to live in it. He did a lot – Pauly Shore did a lot of anti-Obama jokes at the top, which the Vegas crowd was really digging. A lot of the pre-taped skits went completely – What's Pauly Shore's problem with Barack Obama?

Anyway. He just knows his audience. OK. Sure. He's a shrewd guy. A lot of the sketches, the scripted moments had to be taken several times because Faison Love was blackout drunk. Wait. Hold on.

I need to go back to he knows his audience. What is his audience? Super dummies. Yeah. his audience? I'm super dummies. Yeah, I think I mean, I understand how he had an audience in 1994. When was it? 95?

He is a touring stand-up comedian in the year of our Lord, 2013. Well, I can sort of understand that too because there is, to a certain extent, if you are a famous person, you can tour as a stand-up comedian because you can rely upon the fact that people are undiscerning and they just want to go to something that they have some familiarity. They want to read a name and go, I know that name. Sure. I want to sit in a seat and look at that person.

I'm in a place where there's not many famous people I want to see. I want to see one. Add that. I want you to bring me to a famous. Sure. Specifically, that's the audience that Bobcat Goldthwait has reviled for the last 15 years of his stand-up comedy career. Yes. He has decided to no longer do that at all, ever.

By being a thoughtful, caring, articulate man, they go, wait, you're not... They're like, hold on. You're not shrieking nearly enough. And he's like, but I'm super great. We just wanted someone whose name we vaguely recalled.

Yeah. Not an artist. We thought you were going to be Steve Guttenberg. We get our members of the Police Academy films confused. I heard he's delightful. I bet. I bet Guttenberg. We get our members of the Police Academy films confused. I heard he's delightful. I bet.

I bet Guttenberg's a lot of fun. But to put a capper on this wild Vegas escapade. You're building to an Andy Dick story. Yes. It's a quick little hit of Dick. I like that. He gets on stage. That's Andy Dick's web series. Yeah. Oh, stage. That's his web series.

Oh, sure. They're 30-second bits. Him sticking his finger in various bottles. So he comes on stage. He's sitting on a stool. He's kind of downtrodden. He's got two guitarists with microphones behind him, and he's going to sing some songs. And somebody – there are people who keep shouting because the crowd is all drunk.

going to sing some songs and somebody – there are people who keep shouting because the crowd is all drunk and somebody stands up and takes a picture and goes like, I got it, like to their like drunk friends and he goes, I mean – well, sorry. Sorry. I want to get this perfectly. I want some fractenders. He says, that might be the last picture anyone ever takes of me. Oh, my God. Yay.

To an audience of like 300 drunk people who want to be entertained. And like I'm sure one person was like, I got it. I got the last one. And then he played a bunch of songs about like buttholes and stuff. They were pretty, you know, he's cute. Yeah. He has a song called – He's got one about – are you going to talk about Dip Your Cock in Vodka?

Yeah, Dip Your Cock in Vodka. I like that. It's about sterilizing your dick in the olden times. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's like – right. I know what you mean about like there being a sad, sober version of someone.

It's like definitely you don't want anyone to self-destruct and die of alcohol poisoning. But I don't know, like the husk of the old Andy Dick is probably more sad than the outrageous drunk one. Yeah. I mean the problem is I went to a big show in Chicago a bunch of years ago to commemorate IO Improv Olympics anniversary. I think their 25th anniversary. And Andy Dick played with ASCAP.

I think him and Tim Meadows and some people joined the original four UCBers to do a whole show. And he was phenomenal. Like one of the funniest shows I've ever seen anyone do. And so that's why I was like, I want that. I'm like, where's that guy? What level? News radio reruns. Oh. Yeah, they're all on Netflix. If you want to enjoy Andy Dick, I want that. I'm like, where's that guy? Yeah. What level? News radio reruns. Oh.

Yeah, they're all on Netflix. If you want to enjoy Andy Dick, I recommend going onto Netflix and watching news radio reruns. You know what? I think what might have happened was I was drunk in a hotel in Chicago and I watched some news radio. Yeah. That's what it was. Probably. And it was like the one where Bob Odenkirk was on or something.

It was. Oh. Yeah. Man. Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin everything. Wait, what does Chicago look like? It's like this hotel room kind of city. Does it look like my apartment?

No. I think you were, it sounds like. There's a lot of beautiful, there's a beautiful downtown area. Batman was filmed there. Guys, I gotta make some phone calls. That famous metal bean. Sounds like your travel, your,

God, what do you call that person? Travel agent. My travel agent? Yeah, your travel agent. I've gotta fire my travel agent. There you go. And other jokes

that would have been relevant in 87. Yeah. Just roof feed you and put you in your own bed. Put me in a steamer trunk, shook it up a little bit, and went,

here we go. I'll take you to the airport. But first, this relaxation pill. Joe's watch haul on a news radio DVD. You know what? It's not a half bad travel agent. No. Just get you high and play some news radio.

Yeah. Isn't that all we really want? There's a lot worse scam travel agents out there. That's a fucking service. Sure. Would you rather find out that you're like a – you know, like there was this controversy of these Chinese tourists that came to the United States and they had this big itinerary for their trip and it turned out that they were just going to public parks in San Diego. What? It's a big controversy.

Wait. Apparently this is not that unusual with Chinese travel agencies for Chinese tourists coming to the United States, which is a very, which is a big deal thing. I mean, would you rather have that or would you rather have them just get you high and make you watch news radio? If it's set,

you know, I just don't like being swindled in general, but I like getting high and I love news radio. If it says – you know, I just don't like being swindled in general. But I like getting high and I love news radio in that order. Sure. So I think I would – if a travel agent said we got a pretty good rate on a lower tier excursion. They're like, if that's a little too spendy for you, we can give you a fifth of Jack Daniels and a DVD of Veronica's Closet. We can give you a fifth of Jack Daniels and a DVD of Veronica's Closet. If you're not, we do have a Whippets and Just Shoot Me package. And if you really want to spend a lot, some Courvoisier and an advanced screener of the two new episodes of Arrested Development.

Right. Yeah. Brand new ones. And seriously, 20 bucks, rot gut, single guy. I saw the single guy yesterday at the Oaks. No, you didn't see the single guy yesterday. I did. You mean you saw Kim, the guy.

No. You saw the single guy. I saw Jonathan Silverman. Wow. Also, Weekend at Bernie's. And I did that stupid L.A. thing you sometimes do where I looked up at a guy and I went, oh, that's my friend. And I almost was like, hey, man, and realized like, no, I'm just noticing that I recognize the single guy. Well, I think we all felt like we were friends with a single guy.

Yeah. Right. I identified with him. I mean, right. You guys know what it's like. A curly-haired guy. That's right. Married to beautiful Chinese woman. Yes.

Yeah. I kind of felt like I was closer with Caroline in the City. Yeah. She liked mopey old Richard, who did the outlining. Wait. Oh, God. You're familiar with all the characters. Oh, yeah.

Come on. You want a Caroline in the City trivia off with me? Let's do it. Name a boring show. Caroline in the City. Boom. Ask me what movie the lead was from. The lead? Back to the Future.

She was the mom. What kind of hair did her friend have? All of it. Okay. Next. Come on. I'm three for three. Four for four. Where did Caroline live? Oh, a metropolis. A burgeoning metropolis. I would have also accepted the city. Okay. Okay, where did Caroline live? Oh, a metropolis. A burgeoning metropolis. I would have also accepted the city.

Okay. Well, you know. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dave Horwitz, and I'm happy to be here. You know what?

I like that. Because I am happy to be here. Yeah, you are. Some disingenuous nickname that I just came up with. I am genuinely happy to be here. And I want that. I want people to know me. I think it came across.

Oh, good, good. It came across. Okay, good. You know, you're not throwing people to know me. I think it came across. Oh, good, good. It came across. Okay, good. You know, you're not throwing us a curveball. That's the high heat. No. That's a fucking, that's the straight talk express. I mean, I'm not going to be like.

You're John McCain. I could be like, chameleon doctor. Like, nobody wants to hear that. You know, granted, I probably would have laughed at chameleon doctor. Oh. And granted, it probably would have been pretty popular. But you know what? You're right.

It would have been bullshit. Would it have been trending? It probably would have. Yeah. Hashtag Chameleon Doctor. Can I suggest a sub-nickname for Chameleon Doctor? It's not a crazy one, but Dr. Dave. Oh.

Yeah. Dr. Dave. Dr. Dave is a really fun nickname. What about Dr. Dave-a-lee-way-va-lees? I'll slap a little hot mustard on your pork sandwich. Yeah. Come on down. Okay.

Let's get off the subject of Dave's nickname and on to the subject. Sorry, Dr. Dave. I don't mean to be rude. Oh, no. As you were. Go back to leading your famous New Orleans brass band I took over for the electric

I led the electric mayhem from 87 to 91 when Dr. Teeth was in rehab those were dark times it's the Max Fun Drive this show and all the shows at MaximumFun.org are supported by donation. And so far, as of this recording, over 600 new donors at MaximumFun.org. It's kind of amazing.

I know, right? Yeah, that's great. That's beautiful. Yeah. Guys, congratulations. Thanks, Dave. I thought, you know what? I had some people have asked me this week.

It's not a doctor or anything. Mine's honorary. I just want to let you guys – let's just clear the air. Sure. I am not accredited to do anything, but I will do it. You just gave the commencement speech at Princeton that one year. Yeah. I was going to say a lot of folks have been asking me lately why MaximumFun.org is donation supported. And I actually wrote a thing on my

Tumblr the other day about it. And I sort of got to thinking about it. I feel like it's something I talked a lot about in the early days of MaximumFun.org and haven't talked a lot about lately. So I thought maybe we would just kind of take a second to talk about why that is because it is unusual. There's not a lot of other – especially stuff that's not a charity as ours is. And it's – there's a few pretty simple reasons. So I'm just going to sort of break it down. Straight talk express style. If you'll pardon me stealing your legendary catchphrase.

No, no, no. Please go ahead. And I like how you've turned your chair around kind of like you're going to level with us like a cool teacher. Absolutely. He's taken off his tweed blazer. He's rolled up his sleeves. Let's get into this. Burn some nog chompa.

The vagina. By MaximumFun.org. Fun and dangerous. So there's a couple of reasons that MaximumFun.org is donation supported. The first is it would be very difficult for us to support what we're doing with advertising. There's a couple of reasons for that. One is our shows have, a lot of our shows have big audiences, but having worked, you know, I run the business side of MaximumFun.org. It's very, very hard to sell advertising that isn't either very targeted, which is to say, you know, if you

have a show or blog about hardware, you can sell it to a hammer manufacturer or has a huge audience. When I say huge audience, I'm talking about millions. And this is a problem is even somebody like, you know, Mark Maron faces who has a very large audience. So we've got great audiences on our shows, but not the kind of like million, two million, three million eyeballs that media buyers want. So that's issue number one. Issue number two is I kind of don't think that it makes sense for MaximumFun.org

to be supported by advertising. And not to say that, I mean, obviously we have some advertising on our shows. But I do put this on and I talk to ad buyers for Put This On because Put This On is supported by advertising. The online advertising world is really gross and awful. And it changes your content. You know, when you are making something to make it – to make essentially a conducive environment to selling things, it is different. And, you know, there are some things that work really well with that.

News radio. You know what I mean? I'm work really well with that. News radio. You know what I mean? I'm not – Now on DVD. Yeah. But it's not the kind of content that I want to make and I don't think it is the best service for the audience. Yeah. And I think that – I mean I think part of the reason that people enjoy Jordan Jessico, if I could predict a little bit, is that we can just kind of talk

about whatever. We can talk about butt stuff. We could talk about news radio. And it's just kind of what we're interested in and where the conversation goes. And I think that if this was advertiser-supported, there would be things we couldn't say, things they wouldn't like for us to talk about. supported, there would be things we couldn't say, things they wouldn't like for us to talk about. Who knows?

We would have to find more current references to news radio. No, thank you. Yeah. No, thanks. So yeah. So I think that if – you probably could do a funny talk show that was advertiser supported but it definitely wouldn't be this one. Yeah.

But it definitely wouldn't be this one. Yeah. So I also think that the people who make shows for MaximumFun.org are professionals and they deserve to get paid for their work. I mean I include myself in that and Jordan in that but also all of the other folks. I also include our producer Brian. I also include our office staff. People are working really hard and I think that getting paid is essentially what allows them to do this, whether it's a matter of this is their job or whether it's a matter of in the case of somebody like Jordan, who does other work, getting paid is what allows him to take the time out of his other work to do this. Yeah, I think everybody who

podcasts on this network, you know, in some form or another has done this or something like this for free for a while and, you know, honed their skills and gotten good at it. So, yeah, but I think that you can only do it for free a week and that we have been doing it for so many years without major interruption is just because there's people who support it. And that's basically the only reason we can continue. And honestly, like I think the content that we put out at MaximumFun.org and that we help put out is really good. I'm really proud of what we do. So there's that. And then the other question is, well, why don't you sell it then? Selling things in that way, especially if you're not a famous person, don't have a huge marketing budget, this doesn't really work.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. It just doesn't really work. Yeah. Sure. In 2013. Yeah.

I mean I think you can look at all the websites who five or six years ago put up paywalls and then took them down six months after. It's something that people have tried on the internet and there's just no proven model for it working. to that, I really, you know, I think that I and the other people who make shows at MaximumFun.org, part of the reason that we, you know, part of the reason that anyone makes art, and it's ridiculous to call Jordan Jesse Goh in particular art, I think, but anybody who makes something. It's more of a shart. Yeah. But anybody who makes something, part of the reason that you make it is because you want to reach people. And so it is – I have always felt like it was really important to have as few barriers between what we make and people who might be touched by it as possible. And I know that what we do, as stupid and silly as it is, you know, we get emails from people

for whom this is a really important thing in their lives. And I don't want to say, OK, you know, two dollars or you can't give this a try. Yeah, for sure. And I think it's yeah, it's like this is something we want people to be able to share with friends and for people to try and to sample and to sample new shows and just kind of to be able to dip in and dip out. But I think just – if you have been dipping in and dipping out with regularity and the show has become a favorite and important to you, yeah. I think we're just saying we'd love your donation and you'll even get some cool stuff out of the deal. Yeah, exactly. So the way that I think of our donation system is that I do not feel like we are going to you to ask you to support a charity or that we're going to you with hat in hand or we're

going to you because et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What I think we're saying, and I think this is something that is new and that really only works in the context of the internet and this sort of internet media age, is we're saying, how about this for a deal? We will give you everything we make. If you think it's worth money, pay for it. And this stuff can only exist if people say yes. But people do say yes. And so that's sort of the reason that I've chosen this model is because it's the one that allows us to share our work with everyone who wants to access it and charge people who think it's worthwhile. You know what I mean?

Yeah, for sure. charge people who think it's worthwhile. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. And so, yeah, and I think, you know, we've set up a kind of a monthly donation schedule that will kind of mimic your Xbox Live subscriptions and your Netflixes. So, yeah, I mean, I think just, you know, thinking about it in that way, you know, this is not you giving a big chunk of money. It's you subscribing to something that, every month or in this case you get a block of new shows every week. So yeah, hopefully – I just paid $5 a month for Xbox Live, which I use exclusively to access other paid subscriptions. Yeah, right.

Wow, that is a racket. Yeah, I know. So if you can find a couple bucks a month for Netflix and for Xbox Live. Yeah, just think of maximum fun in that same way. Yeah. And I want to thank the hundreds. We do not have a store of bawdy 80s ski movies. That's true. Which I think is a failing on our part.

We are working on a system, like a headset system for teenagers to call you faggot though. Yeah, we're working on it. It's coming. It's coming in 2015. We're not there quite yet, but I think if we keep our focus, I think we can get there, technologically speaking. I mean, I've been beta testing it for you guys for the past year, and I've got to say, my feelings are really hurt.

Those are the hazards. These are the hazards. I mean, it has to be done, but my confidence is at an all-time low. Well, to be fair, you shouldn't be prancing around like that. I like to dance. But I think at the end of the day, there are levels for everybody. As we like to say, if you don't have a job, you're exempt. But if you do have a job, you can afford one of the donation levels.

Think about what this show and all the other shows at MaximumFun.org are worth and think about if you think that this is something that is – this is a model for content that should exist in the world because I think it is. Totally. And, yeah, I think we'll probably get into this a little bit more during a future break. But there's all kinds of cool stuff. So you're getting that awesome feeling of supporting your shows. But we've got cool prizes up the wazoo. And I know that I am ultimately really proud that the work that I make, I'm making for the audience, for the people who care about it. And especially for people who care about it so much that they're paying for it voluntarily.

Like I'm not – I wrote in the thing that I'm proud that we have a carrot but not a stick. You know what I mean? Like we're giving people something but we're not – I'm not threatening to take anything away from them. All I'm saying is here's something. Is it worth something to you? And I really like making something for the audience instead of making it so that it, you know, sells more. Yeah, for sure. To build an aspirational lifestyle environment or whatever. Yeah, and definitely like I'm, you know, looking at this job in comparison to my other jobs.

It's like it's nice that to not feel like you have to anticipate, you know, an advertiser or a parent company or, you know, 15-year-olds on YouTube. Like, we're not sitting around thinking, okay, how can we please someone who's not us and the fans? It's like, no, we want to do a show that we like and we want to do a show that you guys like and that's it. It's nice to not have to think of eight different other parties. So anyway, we're really proud to be part of this.

We hope that you are too and we hope that you'll support it and all this stuff at MaximumFun.org. It's very, very easy. The important thing isn't what level you do it at, it's that you do it. So go to MaximumFun.org slash donate now. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dr. Dave Horowitz. It's great to have you here, Dr. Dave. This is the charming soap opera version of Dave Horowitz, right?

Yes, I have a butt chin. That's very nice. This version of me has a butt chin. I assume that this Dave Horowitz was like the expert on an infomercial. on an infomercial. I was going to be like, hey, Dr. Dave, this isn't something I'd usually ask someone who was outside the medical field, but what should I do if I don't feel fresh down there? That's a very, very good question, Jesse.

You got to cut your vagina off. It's an honorary doctorate. And you do it with the slap chop. It's an honorary doctorate. And you do it with the slap chop. It's an honorary doctorate. Place your vagina in a dishwasher safe plastic container. First to clean plates. First do no harm is I believe what Hippocrates said. Guys, I am speaking of doctors.

I apologize if I am not bringing the energy heat today. I have been through hell and back. Do not get the flu. I'll tell you what. Yeah, the worst. You know the flu shot prevents the flu? Here's the thing about the flu shot. I've gotten the flu shot twice before.

When I get the flu shot, I get a migraine. Oh, no. So I don't want to get the flu shot because then I'll get the migraine. But the problem is if I don't get the flu shot and then I get the flu, I am super fucked. How long does a migraine last for you versus how long a flu lasts for you? Okay. So this particular flu. Let's get into the timeline here.

Yeah. I started feeling weird on my way home from work on Wednesday. Sure. By Thursday morning, I was definitely having the flu. Mm-hmm. I got over the,

and we are now at Sunday, and I'm still feeling lousy, but I no longer feel like I'm going to die. So that's three solid days, three real solid flu days, two of which I had migraines. The migraines were both migraines that required me to take my medication twice, which is very

rare. I mean, that's something that comes up twice a year for me usually. So what happened is I had the flu. So I'm like shaking and sweating. I also have amazing intestinal distress. Sure. Which was ironic because I was reading past Jordan Jesse Goat guest Mary Roach's great new book, Gulp. And in fact, I was on a chapter about intestinal distress.

That's fun. Oh. Yeah. It was fun. So I got to learn some scientific information. That's great. About the horrible pain and farts I was going through. I was reading her great book on sex research, Bonk, while

I was getting fucked with a tiny camera. Sure. That's fun to sort of like, you know, read something and be able to really feel like you're in it. That's sort of like how I feel if I'm watching a television program and I have the same shirt as one of the characters. That's exactly how I felt, Dave.

Yeah. It is exactly how I felt. Except in your case, amazing stomach problems. But it is like it – I really – like here's the thing. When I get a migraine that is not going away, so usually I get a migraine. I take a pill. Ninety minutes later, it's gone away. And my pill has side effects. It makes me stupid and slow and I don't enjoy

taking it. Like the movie side effects? Yes. I kind of like side effects. But it usually works. But when it doesn't work... Oh, and that twist. Sorry. Soderbergh's last film? Gosh. I hope not.

Maybe we'll count the Liberace one. That looks good. We're the worst. I feel like I want to die just from the migraine. And so when it's that plus shaking, I really – there was a point a couple days ago where I thought there was a moment when I thought, if I could just turn this off. Oh, and also, I did an interview with our friend Nathan Rabin from the AV Club that published, just as I was at the peak of my illness. And there was a cavalcade of comments about how what a horrible person I am and how I make the world a worse place.

After the interview? Thoughtful. Typically from the AV Club, thoughtful, insightful, incisive comments about how they want to slap me over and over and over. Yeah. The AV club is a funny place. And not to talk too much about them because I think it's a Candyman situation where they just want you to say their name. They just want you to say their name. But yeah, it is amazing how it takes that kind of bile and just, yeah, that weird bile from YouTube but adds a little bit of braininess. Just enough to go like, oh, it's the smart kids picking on me.

Right, yeah. They reviewed the show I just wrote for on Wednesday, which is the day it premiered, and it went up before the actual show premiered. And people were already commenting on it in the comments. And I was like, what are you... What could you possibly be saying about this? You haven't seen it yet. They're like, not as good as the second season of Community. Well, to be fair enough, I guess.

These are just diehard Sarah Chalk haters, right? So, how could those people even exist? She's an angel. She walks on clouds. I'm sorry. So here I am.

I am like, I am confused. I'm mentally confused because my migraine medicine makes me confused. I have a migraine. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. I'm in my head is going through this list of horrible things people said about me on the internet. I really like – there was two points. This sounds like the scene where Dumbo gets drunk.

Yes. During both of the migraines, like the one – there was one day when I just felt really miserable like I had the flu. But during both of the migraines, there were actual points where it occurred to me if I could just turn this off, would I? By which I mean life. Oh, no.

I know. That's an extreme thought. I know. Because you can. I'm not. Just throw yourself down the stairs, you know, gas pipe in the car. I am really –

Death by chocolate? One please, Dr. Kevorkian. That's my preferred method. Yeah. All of those would have taken more – I mean like all of those would have taken more physical effort than I was capable of at the time. Sure. But I have to say – You didn't have the effort to drive to TGI Fridays.

I am glad. I am really glad I did not have a handgun in my side table. Like I really, like I just, at one point it was like, at one point last night actually, it was like three o'clock in the morning and I'm like sitting on the edge of my bed rocking back and forth. My wife was trying to – didn't want to get the flu. So she was sleeping on cushions on the ground like six feet away. And I'm looking at my wife and thinking like, can I wake my wife up at 3 o'clock in the morning when there's nothing she can do? I just want her to be like, hey, tomorrow you'll feel better.

And I did. I couldn't – it was all, tomorrow you'll feel better. And I did. I couldn't. It was all I could fucking come up with. And she did it, right? She told you it was going to be okay. She did. She told me it was going to be okay. I was unconvinced. Oh. She's kind of phoning it in. Can I tell you? I'll tell you one thing

about this whole thing, though. My mother-in-law was visiting this weekend, and that made it you sure that's not what caused the migraine my mother you got a frying pan to the head right mother-in-law actually was visiting and i have i mean i've never been against my mother-in-law happened to be a wonderful mother-in-law but it was such – I've never felt so powerfully grateful for a mother-in-law before. Like just – she like would take my son to the park and then he wouldn't be running around and yelling. And it was like such a gift.

Oh, and poor Teresa had lost her voice completely. So she's like – she can only whisper. And my son didn't – he doesn't seem to understand that that's a kind of talking. Because he – yeah. Because he's 19, 20 months old, something like that. So he doesn't know that that is – sometimes he understands it's talking but sometimes not. So there's no way for my wife to get him to do anything. Well, I got to say, I'm glad you didn't end your life.

However, I mean, as someone – I also suffer from migraines and there is that weird – Do you really? I do. There is that weird point and I think – I feel like I've heard you talk about them before. Mine are not quite as severe. But having a sustained pain for that long really will do some weird stuff to your brain. You're like, I just – why is my body – what's your end game, Brian? No.

I know exactly what you're talking about. What can I do for you? Yeah. I'll do anything. I'm drinking water. I'll drink a gallon of water. You're supposed to drink water. I'll do every – oh, I heard potassium is going to lead to banana.

Nothing. You just have to go under your bed and pray for the sweet release of death. For a while, you're thinking like, this hurts really, really bad. But I can just sort of distance

myself from it. You can masturbate through the pain. You can. At some point, you know what though? When I – this is a little vulgar but sometimes after I take my medication, I find myself wanting to masturbate. Hmm. Huh. Yeah.

So – Is there a sexy lady on the bottle? There is. The pill bottle? Yes. OK. It's one of those where you turn it upside down and it looks like her clothes dissolve off like a novelty pen your uncle has. Yes.

I know those pill bottles. It's the only way they can get them to take it. Yeah. But there is – Take it and Lola will – There is this moment in the pain and I'm sure that it's something like – and I'm also sure it's not on the same scale of, but there's this feeling of kind of a combination of powerlessness that you have no way to affect this and that it's like undeserved. You know, like you're not like, you didn't get this because you're a shitty guy.

No, you didn't insult a gypsy. But there's this other part that's really upsetting and disconcerting about a migraine, which is that it's not coming from anything. That it's not – like I've had occasionally really severe pain from like an injury or from something is inflamed or a cut. from, you know, something is inflamed or a cut. And that it's the pain from migraine. It's only pain. Like it's sort of an abstract thing. It's like, what if we.

It's just like loneliness. Yeah. Like what if we remove the requirement for something is going wrong from pain? Yeah. Where the only requirement is just like having a brain, having a body. Oh, are you alive? Well, this could happen just out of nowhere. It's, yeah, it's legitimately the worst.

I mean, I think we can all go on record here, hand to God and say, migraines, take a hike. See ya! You're out of here. Old hardline Horowitz. Hey, I don't pull any punches. Yeah, geez, no sacred cows with this guy.

No way. Hey, unless- Don't talk bull to Dr. Dave. Man, you should have a little sea captain's bell that you ring after you just say something. Or a big grenade detonating for when I drop a truth bomb. Yeah. Hashtag hard truth. Hard truth Horowitz.

Pull no punches. Look me up. Hashtag Dr. D. I'll tell it like it is. While we're talking about pain and failure, can I talk a little bit about kind of an emotional pain that I suffered this week? I do.

I saw this on Facebook and it blew my mind. Okay. I do. I saw this on Facebook and it blew my mind. OK. So this week on the topic of people from MaxFun having to kind of have a lot of different jobs in addition to podcasting, I was doing a little field producing for the Food Network. And so I was out doing – not hosting but kind of producing man on the street stuff kind of out by Grauman's Chinese Theater. This is not my favorite kind of work to do. I realize I'm qualified for it. I was happy to have their money. Not nuts about doing this kind of thing.

Well, it's sort of – man on the street is a little uncomfortable in the best of circumstances. Sure. Absolutely. And there's this weird assumption from the people putting these things together that a man on the street, a man or woman you would find on the street will say something funny. They will not because basically no one is funny. No one is funny. I don't know. What percentage of the population would you say is funny?

Five. Generous. Five percent of everyone ever. Yeah. And let's talk about that five percent of people. Those people are funny at Thanksgiving dinner with their friends and family. They're not funny when a random person walks up to them on the street with a camera and asks them a question about food. It's such a specific –

0.8 percent. That's the answer. Yeah, someone who can just turn it on in front of a camera. You're basically down to just Robin Williams. Yeah. God, and when we lose him, the search continues. What would Tyrone Rapsalot say about this chicken wrap? Yo, yo, yo.

Oh, God. If you're a man on the street producer and you run into Robin Williams and you just happen to have a backpack full of wigs, you could do your whole segment with just Robin Williams. Yeah, put a new mustache on the guy. Yeah. So, no, not to belittle this nice job too much, but it's one of those things that you just have to do. You're trying to fill a small amount of time, but you just have to do it a lot. It's just one of those things that's just kind of a grind. It's tough work.

Yeah. It's like leveling up in a Phantasy Star game. Am I right, guys? There's a grind. There's a grind built in. Like Tetris? Yeah, yeah. Is it like Tetris?

Yeah, like leveling up in Tetris. Yeah, you got to be careful because the higher you get in the levels, the music plays faster. Yeah, it stresses you out. Yeah, it really stresses me out. So anyway, that part is not that important. But it's important that I was in front of the Chinese. Yeah, the Tetris part. The Tetris part's not important?

Sorry. Sorry, straight talk. What about even though the music keeps getting faster? You know what? That is important. Hey, if you want a hard truth, I got one for you. Not enough long red pieces. We need them.

We need more of them. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You just got truth bomb. Guys, I think we all remember that music from Tetris. Am I right? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I had to watch your mouth.

I got genuinely excited that I was going to get to sing the Tetris theme. And now I can't think of it because I'm just thinking of Tetris. Jesse, you're thinking of Tetris Wedding Edition. That's the stupidest joke I've ever made in my life. It's my new favorite joke. I got so excited when I thought of that. Okay, Jordan, you're a man on the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Jordan, you're manning on the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In front of the old Chinese theater and something that happens from that hub a lot is those Hollywood tours we'll leave from. And one of the tour buses, they're kind of these kind of open top. Double decker, right? Not double decker, but it's a party bus. It's kind of a brightly colored open top thing. It's a party bus. It's kind of a brightly colored open top thing.

One of these buses – so I'm just standing on the street dealing with appearance releases. And this bus pulls up and I hear the loudspeaker go, ladies and gentlemen, look who it is. It's Jack Osborne. And I turned around and I see the lady giving the tour in the bus looking at me. Oh, no. And everybody on the bus just starts applauding and taking my picture. And then she pulls a chain and opens the door and beckons for me to come on the bus. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, okay.

So just to clarify. This woman, she's not saying, hey, this guy looks like Jack Osborne. No, no. She thought that she's like, this is you and you should come on the bus and talk to this tour. Do you think she's friends with Jack Osborne? Yeah, to where that would be appropriate. Can I ask you this? Sure.

Do you think she's coworkers with Jack Osborne? It could be. Do you think it was Jack Osborne's time to drive the bus? Maybe he was just supposed to lead the next tour. So, okay. So there's a lot of things I could have done here. Sure. The fun comedian in me that was looking for a cool experience would have gotten on the bus, affected a British accent, and proceeded to defame Jack Osborne.

Maybe I could have groped some of the women, talked about child pornography. Sure. Made some controversial political statements. Like, in hindsight, that's what I would have liked to have done. But you were working. I was working. Yeah, I was working and it would have been pretty unprofessional for a new job. Hold my clipboard.

I'm going to go tell some people that Jack Osborne has had sex with children. Flipboard, I'm going to go tell some people that Jack Osborne has had sex with children. But here's – and it wasn't because of professionalism that I didn't do this. It was pure rage. Sure. And because there's nothing – I'm just – I'm sick of people telling me I look like Jack Osborne. He's just fucking darned. Well, yeah. Quit it.

It's been happening since college, since he's been famous. And now he's not. Now that he's not famous. He's not famous for being good or good looking. Quit it. It's been happening since college, since he's been famous. And now he's not. Now that he's not famous. He's not famous for being good or good looking. Or attractive. He's just famous for being a person. It's just one of those things. It's like if –

For having a dad. Right. Exactly. Yeah. It's just like I hate being told I look like a celebrity that maybe not is ugly now but was for a while famous for being ugly and weird looking. So, yeah. So here's what i did to this tour bus i just yelled hey i'm not jack osborne and he's ugly so that's an insult thanks you just ruined my day and then they closed the door and the bus drives off

which was that was i i'm a fucking jerk like that was not the way to deal with that. I love how you prefaced it by saying what you could have done. And then what you did do was the exact opposite thing. Way worse. You could not have done anything more different than that. Yeah. I wish I would have done the fun one. Maybe not the part where I defamed Jack Osborne, but maybe I could have had a little fun with it.

And then maybe at the end said, hey, guys, I'm just kidding. It's not me. And then they all would have clapped. You know, it would have been fun. I would have done a gotcha point to the tour guide. I think an old lady would have cried. Well, I mean, probably what I did do made an old lady cry. Sure.

She deserved it, though. Yeah, that's true. Applauding for you. I know. Taking my picture, being excited to see me. I think you may have inspired that tour bus driver to apply for a different job. Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe I lit a fire under that tour bus driver's ass, you know? I hope you did. Get that sci-fi screenplay finished. Right? Just sit down. She beckoned you onto the bus? Yeah. Is that a thing that they do? I mean, yeah. I see a celebrity do – and would a celebrity get on the bus and just randomly do that?

It's got to be an act of desperation. I have to say, if a bus pulled over and said, there's NPR's Jesse Thorne, they wanted me to get on the bus and I wasn't like – I wasn't really busy. I would probably get on the bus. I mean, if they would have corrected – Because where is the bus? Like how could you turn down that opportunity, right? If it was actually you, sure, yeah. I think if you weren't currently working like at that exact moment, yeah.

Now, I'm not suggesting that's what you should have done, Jordan. I'm saying if they recognize me, I think I would want to get on the bus. For one thing, ask them, why did you recognize me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Why do you know who I am? If a woman pulled over a tour bus and said, hey, I think I followed that guy on Twitter. Hey, are you a comedy writer?

I would have been thrilled. I don't get recognized really. It's happened a couple of times for a couple of things, but that would have made me feel really good. But not if they were like, hey, aren't you, I don't know, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds? The person you most closely resemble. Sure. I don't even remember. No, I don't look like that guy.

Aren't you late 60s Elliot Gould? Honestly, I have a future if I ever need to. I could post up on Hollywood Boulevard like I'm on the cover of the Long Goodbye DVD. We gotta get John Mulaney on the phone. He just cast Elliot Gould on his show. He did.

We gotta let him know if he needs a younger but not exactly young. Not like an 18-year-old. But like a 30-year-old or a 26-year-old or a 37-year-old. 26 to 30 is my range. That's correct.

26 to 30 is what I can do. Then you got Horvitz on the line. I would kill for that opportunity. Yeah. If you're doing a Gould flashback, John Mulaney. Let me ask you this. Get at me, dog. Ellie.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Do we want to take a break or can we switch shames? Okay. We can switch. Let's just switch. Let's do it. Let's go.

I was going to ask. Dave, you had something that you did recently that was potentially shameful that I wanted to ask about. You were telling me that you went on a semi-ironic trip to the Renaissance Fair. Yes. Although I would say I was not exactly ironic because I think I was with some people who genuinely were enjoying themselves. And I had a pretty good time as well just sort of taking it all in. I didn't participate in any – I didn't ogle any top cleave. Really choked looking breasts at that place.

Yeah. Get those breasts some air. A lot of – Hashtag top boob, am I right? Hey, honestly, the more eyes we can get on these Ren Faire boobs, the better.

I went to a Ren Faire with a high school class. I don't really remember. I remember that there was a sword fighting class I took. Yes, that sounds about right. What happens at a Renaissance Fair?

I genuinely don't remember. I think about the thing about the Renaissance Fair is that it's – on its head it's so goofy and the culture that surrounds it is so goofy. But going is actually fun. Like you don't have to goof on it to have a good time. I mean you can drink an ale and eat a turkey leg. Which I – I mean I didn't eat a turkey leg but I was drinking, having a good time. Everyone I was with dressed up, which I wasn't aware was going to be part of it. And that's slightly out of my comfort zone.

I'm actually not a huge Halloween dude. Sure. But I'll do it. You'll dress up as Elliot Gould. I'll dress – honestly. You'll carry around some stray cats and wear a leather jacket. As a side note, I've literally said – I've had the thought. If I dressed up like Elliot Gould from The Long Goodbye, would I have to like have the picture of the DVD on my phone to show people?

And I was like maybe not. Maybe don't have a gun in one hand and a suit with a red tie. It's not going to read. But the Ren Faire, you know, I worked with Jordan on the television program and I actually logged a bunch of footage of Jordan at a Renaissance Faire when we were coworkers. And I just poured through all this footage and was or was it – it was yesterday and saw a gaggle of ladies with very painted faces beckoning to the men. And I said, I know those gals because I had watched about an hour of Jordan sitting with them as they made bawdy jokes to him, real old-timey like stuff. Flog your mast, sailor. Yeah, yeah, all sorts of stuff like that.

They were beckoning for men to come over to do the same thing. I went, oh, wow, this is really like, things don't change here at the Ren Faire. Do they use real prostitutes and just put them in period costume? Yes, yes. They do. They spruce them up. Sorry, they gussy them up a little bit.

Then they just shove them out and give them a cursory knowledge of old timiness. You got to save me, Lord. I would have assumed they would have had auditions amongst the standard street prostitutes to see their old timey acts. You need to hold on to this as a reality show competition pitch. America's next top Ren Faire whore. Well, I think why – I don't think we need to stop at prostitutes. I think we can just take any street people.

Yeah. Yes. I mean prostitutes will be involved. Well, there was a guy crawling. He spent the entire time crawling like crouched down like he was subservient to someone. That was a big thing. For sex reasons? Well –

I bet that is a part of that guy's elaborate dominatrix fantasy. Well, the interesting thing – I guess I'll just skip to the end, which is in my opinion the most interesting part. There was word going around the fair just from like a weird tip. And then sort of things kind of became clearer that on the – because this was the opening day of the Ren Faire, the opening weekend. Word on the street was at night on the evening of the first opening night, huge fuck party. Huge fuck party in the dirt. Wow. And just does your Ren Faire ticket get you access to this fuck party?

I don't know. I feel like it's just the people who are working the fair. I learned recently that the people, they're like homeless itinerants. They run. They participate. When they're not doing the run fair, they're not doing something else. Right.

They're just being homeless. Well, they are crashing on their friend's pad. Sure. And teaching theater tech at high schools. Right. I mean, I have to assume. See, that's so funny.

I mean, a long-running Jordan-Jesse-Go topic is when does the sex take place at these weird gatherings? It's nice to hear actual confirmation. Like, it's just comforting. gatherings, it's nice to hear actual confirmation. Like it's just comforting. My girlfriend was at the javelin toss and there was a bunch of small children running around. And one of the women who was manning the booth, it became clear that these were her kids and they were sort of helping Carney, you know, like helping collect money and gather javelins to toss. And I wouldn't say implication. The actual thing that this woman said to my girlfriend was that the smallest child that we were looking at had been conceived at a Renaissance fair.

Not near, not around. It wasn't that he had grown up going to Renaissance fairs, which is what she said. But she said not only has he been coming since he was born, he was actually conceived here. Wow. His father is a javelin. Filled with semen. A semen-filled javelin.

Yeah. That's so funny. I mean, like, I mean, is he a U.S. citizen then? Or is he a subject to the king of the Renaissance Faire? He's a serf. Do Renaissance Faires have their own king? I think they do. Right? They do, right?

Because there's a lance fight. I think whoever wins the joust gets to have his way with anyone there, any paying patron. Sure. And then afterwards – Even the bros that are just there to day drink. Yeah. Hold on. I think that this is just an episode of NewsRadio.

Oh, no. Wait a minute. Well, hopped up on lewds. God, I was going to get my hands on some lewds. There is. Isn't there a king? Am I misremembering that? Boy, the politics and, yeah, the setup of it is still a mystery to me.

I think there's a king at medieval times. What is it called? I do. Could it be that that's – because there is a joust there and they have a king. I may just be remembering the movie The Cable Guy. Oh, where the king was played by Andy Dick. What? Yes, that's true.

Man, it's all coming back around. The balloons are not coming out from the ceiling. Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. Cable Guy, now on Blu-ray. What does it cost to get into Renaissance Faire? It costs you about $17.50. $17.50. $17.50. That's reasonable.

Which do you prefer, a Renaissance fair or a state fair? Ooh. Well, I mean, that depends. Or a vanity fair. It depends which one is living color playing at. And which one has a very classy Justin Timberlake spread in it? Sincerely, though, you guys, you have experience with both.

I'm sure, Dave, have you been to a state fair before? I haven't, but... A county fair? I've never been... Yes, county. Yes. Which county? What county are we talking about? Placer County? I went to the... Merced County. Where are these counties? They're California counties. In suburban Massachusetts, I went to many times the Marshfield Fair.

That was a very – your average, your Tilt-A-Whirls, your Cyclones, your Gravitrons. Sure. Animals? Animals. Probably a small petting zoo, yeah. This is not – you're talking about a carnival. Well, it was called the fair. You know what?

I've never been to a state fair or a county fair. Were there competitions? Yes. Like a pie competition? Yes. It was – Canning. Who can fill this clown's mouth up with water fastest?

Was this a living clown or a cutout of a clown? Who is this guy? And I won, but I wish I didn't. Was earth, wind, & Fire playing there? I think that's the difference between a county fair and a state fair actually. I mean when I find out that bands are playing the state fair circuit, I get very excited. But I've never been. I think my friends just went to see En Vogue at the Los Angeles County Fair or the OC Fair or something like that.

I go see En Vogue at the – but I don't think En Vogue, I don't think you get to, I don't think Dawn is still in En Vogue. It's the two lady affair. Yeah. I fucking love En Vogue. I'm not, I like En Vogue. I don't think,

I have not listened to an En Vogue album since I was 12. I will say that, but I. Individual En Vogue songs. I think, but when an En Vogue song comes on the radio, I enjoy it and not just in a nostalgic way. I mean my fair music experience, I mean tradition for me growing up was going to the Orange County Fair to see Weird Al. Does he play every year?

He does. I think he may have taken some breaks. I think maybe he's – his hipness has gotten a little bit of a resurgence. Maybe he's not exclusively doing fairs anymore. He's real cool now. Very cool. His policy was every fair every year. Yeah. So yeah, that was a big tradition for me growing up was

going to see word out. But you know what? I'm going to say it's like where would you like to spend your day, Jordan? Probably Ren Fair. Probably Ren Fair. Is it because of the cleave? It's not. That's not not part of it. But yeah, I don't know. It's just

more chill. It would be hard for Jordan to go to the Ren Faire and not get laid? Is that true? I've proven you wrong there. I have many sexless trips to the Ren Faire. Let me ask you this question about Ren Faires.

Did you know that at a Ren Faire, there is no bunny rabbit competition? Yeah. And you know what? I hear all these arguments. I hear baby pig race. Yes. Baby pig race? Am I going to be sad not to see a baby pig race where they all have –

Hold the phone. Hold the phone. Ring a ding. Ring a ding. Hashtag BP race. Whoa. I definitely have never been to a county or state fair because if I'm missing a baby pig race that I could be seeing right now, what the fuck am I doing on your show? We're describing the essential elements of a fair.

Here's – there's – I mean Guns N' Roses mirror you can win. Is that part – am I still thinking carnival? That is also – No, no. You can win a Guns N' Roses mirror. You can win that at a carnival. OK.

Because I want one. I feel like if I asked you what is the typical food that you eat at a fair, you would answer dim sum. Like at this point, I don't trust you about knowing what a fair is. No, a foie gras, right? Is it falafel? Is that correct? I think you're thinking of a debutante ball. A debutante ball.

I'm thinking of the player's ball. Yeah. Ibutante ball. I'm thinking of the player's ball. Yeah. I mean, okay. So here's something that happens at least at the L.A. County Fair every year is that there's a baby pig race and the baby pigs have celebrity names that are puns on pork products. Okay. And no one – and I went last year. They have not thought to do Jon Hamm. What?

God, I wish I could remember. Oh, boy. Lindsay Loham? Yes. Lindsay Loham is one of them. Sure. I'm real good at this. Porcus Hilton.

I don't know why I laughed. I don't like that. No, I get you. I understand the reaction. Porcus? Yeah. I know, right? That would be better if it was a baby Porpus.

Yeah. I was just going to say if her name was Porpoise Hilton, porpoise would work better. Dave, it's a stretch. They're all stretches. They are. So, yeah. So, yeah. I mean I would be sad not to be seeing that stuff, but I think in general the kind of noise and bad smellness of the fair hurts me a little bit.

I will say that the – I've only been to the Los Angeles County Fair once. It is – and I don't know if my visit was typical. I will say that when I went, it was a fucking nightmare. I was shocked. I had only been to the California State Fair. I had been a few times to the California State Fair, which is somewhere outside Sacramento or something like that. But the Los Angeles County Fair, you have to drive. For one thing, I guess it's in Los Angeles County.

Nowhere. Yeah, barely, barely. You have to drive like literally like two, two and a half hours. Yeah, to get to this fair. That's a long haul. And then you park your car. I remember parking my car and it took me half an hour to walk to the fair. That's a well-intended fair.

Through the parking lot. Ren Fair, you're walking right in. Oh, yeah. So all of those things, I mean, I think if I had to pick. It's at a damn recreation area. Although, now that I think about it, I just described all of those horrible things about it, and they were really horrible. But I'm pretty sure it was at the Los Angeles County Fair that I saw the 4-H bunny rabbit competition. Now, was this like a beauty pageant?

It's like a beauty pageant. It was a fight. It's a beauty pageant. It's like a – yeah. Razors attached to their bunny tails. Their little cotton tails. You know, the 4-H is for farmers. So it's a livestock competition essentially.

So there is this very formal way that you present the bunny. And when I say you, I mean a fucking adorable 10-year-old. OK. So far so good. So you like lift it up. You like – I don't remember exactly the sequence or the exact things in the element, but I'm going to give you an idea. You hold it like you would hold a bunny rabbit.

Sure. Then you hold it by its scruff. Then you put it down on the table and pull its ears to the sides. Then you flip it upside down and extend its legs. I remember that was one of the things. And then you do this stroke to cool it out and you smooth it out to make it as long as possible on its belly. And this is all being done by like a nine-year-old boy with black round eyeglasses that looks like the kid from the Target script for schools program commercials that went like, well, I buy some bird seed. It's for the birds.

I mean I could not be – I'm floating outside of this conversation. But as far as that little boy is concerned in the commercial, but everything you're saying, I think it beats Ren Faire. It has to. This bunny rabbit competition, Jordan. I mean, it sounds great. The rabbits are competing for our hearts. I feel like the Ren Faire, you're going to have to deal with a lot of failed actors imposing

themselves on you. That's true. That's true. That's true. I think if our choices are aggressive cuteness of like you give me a 10-year-old with glasses, maybe a speech impediment and a bunny versus the aggressive

goateed horniness of the Renaissance pleasure fair, I'm picking the cute stuff. I'll be horny on my own time. Sure. I don't want to scope a bunch of weird... That's what episodes of News Radio are for. Yeah, man.

Vicki Lawrence? Yeah. John Lovitz later in the series? Don't talk about those seasons. I thought those were pretty good. They're all right. There's some good episodes in there. I'll stand up for those seasons.

Those Lovitz episodes? Anytime anyone needs somebody Those are pretty good. There's some good episodes in there. I'll stand up for those seasons. Love its episodes. Anytime anyone needs somebody to stand up for the John Lovitz episodes of News Radio, I'm your man. Look, I'm just saying, the Max Green character, not my favorite. The ones where he was living and did some episodes with Phil Hardman. Hey, the ones where he goes to jail? Come on. Or the mental asylum? Max is a foodie. He was a foodie before they even had foodies.

Okay. I've been, I'm swayed. I've been swayed really easily this whole time. The John Lovitz seasons were the ones with Johnny Johnson. That's the best character in news radio history. More than Jimmy James? Wow. We got to have a roundtable debate about this. Yeah, yeah. We're going to go to – I think – I think – I think let's – we'll get back to the topic at hand. I think it's a tight race between state and Ren Faire. I think we can agree. Both have some – both have good things going for it, going for them.

And how do both of these stack up for you guys to going to see Captain EO at Disneyland, which is another thing I just did for the first time? That's pretty good. Maybe the most important entertainment experience of my childhood. I can honestly say I am nearly 30 years old and seeing that, I will never be the same. That is more formative than anything that I saw when I was 12. I had a glow-in-the-dark Captain EO sweatshirt that I wore every day for two years. Were you at all concerned when you were a child and you saw it that you didn't know what was happening?

Unconcerned. Not an issue for me. Michael Jackson was in space. He was in space. He was in fucking space. Shooting lasers from dancing. But he had so many little- What's the plot of Captain Neo?

Cool guy spaceman has a bunch of fucking useless animal friends on a spaceship. They fuck everything up for him. Then they have to go see Angelica Houston, whose legs are made of wires. And he's supposed to bring her something, but she wants to kill him. But then he dances at her, and then everything's okay. Okay. Can you remind me why they were there? Where?

We were there to save the world is the theme song from Captain EO. Oh, sorry. We were here to save the world. Right. You just flunked your Captain EO test. Oh, man. F minus, Horvitz. Well.

Are you so jealous because I did so good on my Carolyn in the City test? Yes. Although I did ask you, where does Caroline live? And you said a metropolis. Oh, I meant metropolis. Carolyn in the City takes place in the DC universe. Oh, yeah. On Earth 2.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, yeah. On Earth 2. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dr. Dave Horowitz bringing you real talk on the airwaves.

This is your Dr. Frasier Crane type character. I'm angling for a spinoff real hard. I didn't realize I was doing that. Oh, a spinoff podcast? I don't, a spinoff something. Yeah. I'll take a spinoff popsicle stick joke.

Can I tell you guys an amazing telephone call that my producer, Julia, got the other day? You may. And I could hear it because it was a really

loud telephone call. Mm-hmm. It went like this. Julia! This is, she's like, hello? You be Julia, Dave. Hello?

Julia! It's Huey Lewis! I'm lost! Oh, no. Huey, are you using Apple Maps? Did she say that? She helped Huey Lewis find our studio. That's amazing.

I'm best friends with Huey Lewis now. My jealousy knows no ends. Can I tell you just a couple of real quick things about Huey Lewis? Are you going to drop some Lewis nuggets? We played – OK. So we played him on with I Want a New Drug. I want a new drug. Wow.

And he goes, while it's playing on, I haven't yet brought him onto the show, but while it's playing, he goes, hey, it sounds a lot like the Ghostbusters theme. Wow, that's a great Huey Lewis joke. Yep. That's number one. I already love him more than my own dad. He basically is my dad. Number two, smells like pot. He does?

Oh, yeah. Wow. Absolutely. Driving around LA. Louis still parties. When he left, Julia said something really glorious about him. She goes, yeah, I bet he's driving a convertible. Yeah, a cherry red convertible.

Probably a sweet stang. He's got a great stang. Driving down Wilshire with a joint in one hand and a blonde in the other. Not steering. Major blonde in a major car. Steering with his boner. I guess maybe it's just because, like, you know, I've never been a guy who's been interested in cars. But it always baffled me in 80s movies when a girl pulling up in a certain car was a big deal.

It was like, that girl and that car. I'm like, I don't know. Girl seems fine. Because it's like the ultimate dumb dude shortcut, like getting them on board. Like, you like blondes? You like cars? Wow. Our third act hinges on it, so you better. One more thing.

Next week, he's going fly fishing with a legendary fly fishing guide, Tom Brokaw and Michael Keaton. Wow. It is amazing when you think about the famous people that are friends. Now, I've been on this podcast before, and we spent quite a deal of time talking about Michael Keaton because I will talk about Michael Keaton. Because you were drunk and that's what happens. Because I'm obsessed with the man. I already like Huey Lewis.

The story ends with he's going fly fishing with Keaton. Give me a break. Boy. Somebody tape that. Make a doc. Make's going fly fishing with Keaton. Give me a break. Boy. Somebody tape that. Make a doc. Make a short form doc out of it. I want to know what their banter's like. Yeah. No. I need to know.

It's probably just about various women in the late 80s that they fucked. Oh man. I hope one of them wasn't. Christy Brinkley and then they both nod. Tawny Katane. No way man. It's just Brokaw trying to think of a woman from the late 80s that they didn't fuck. Yeah.

He's like... Sean Young? No, okay. Who's that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Sherilyn Fenn? Margaret Thatcher?

Angela Lansbury? And then Tom Brokaw's like, I took care of that one. And then he goes for a high five, and they do a triple high five, but their boat capsizes. I think you fly fish from the shore, right? I don't know. I don't know either. I need a dad like Huey to teach me these things.

If only your dad was either Huey Lewis or Robert Redford, you would know this right now. Well, man, if my dad was Robert Redford, I could get into the goddamn Sundance lab. You listening, not my dad? My drama about four late 30s friends needs to be seen. He is listening. He listens to this show. Okay. All right.

All that stuff you said in the first segment about how the Sundance catalog is a load of bullshit is really coming back to bite you in the rear. You have to edit it out. Hold on. Robert? Okay, here we go. So you've seen Diner, right? What about it takes place in a sushi restaurant? Dave, it's me, Robert Redford.

Yeah? That's right. I've got a special phone that lets me talk back to podcasts. I'm here. Before they're released. Can I make my movie? Don't think too hard about it. I'm not thinking at all.

It doesn't make a ton of sense. I haven't started thinking today. Dave? Yes? Get the sake bombs lined up. I'm green lighting your movie. Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. Yeah.

Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back through my dimensional rift. Fine with me. Bye, Dad. Let's talk about the Max Fund Drive, shall we, gentlemen? We alluded to the thank you gifts you can get if you donate to the Maximum Fund Drive. Let's get into the nitty gritty on that one. Shall we?

Five bucks a month, the lowest donation you can make, a very affordable donation. You get something like 30 hours of bonus podcasts that don't show up in the regular feed. Yeah, 30 plus, including an eight hour Jordan Jesse Go Marathon. I think it was

eight hours, wasn't it? Somewhere in there. Four hours? I don't know. It was a long time. It was hours long and we had Andy Richter on it and Steven Tobolowsky. All the guys from Super Ego. Lots of great people were on this show.

That sounds fantastic. That was a couple years ago and we just recorded a brand new Donors Only episode in which we answered listener questions. So yeah,

lots of insider Jordan Jesse Go knowledge. We did that with Eliza Skinner, one of our favorite guests. Another favorite guest. Last year's with Chris Fairbanks, which is a favorite. If you haven't heard it, you should probably donate. Ten bucks a month gets you our branded earbuds. Now, if you're like me, you're always losing your headphones.

And your headphones have electronics rather than media slash entertainment branding on them so why not get our cool rocket ship branded headphones not only will you have headphones because you've lost them but they'll have a logo that you can explain to people can i ask you a question please i've been using these headphones to listen to podcasts while I walk the docks. Say I listen to a Memory Palace. I listen to a Wham Bam Pow. For instance. Because they have my logo on them, is that like me wearing my own T-shirt?

Which we can agree is embarrassing, right? Yeah. I mean, I think you, you know, the logo is picked to not be embarrassing, right? The logo is very distinctively. Now, we have a very cool, just like a tasteful logo. Yeah. People are always, people, when I offer them a T-shirt, you know, after they come on the show or whatever, they always go, and then they see it and they're like, oh, that t-shirt's cool. Yeah. Here's what I'll say.

Yeah. Wearing your own t-shirt, kind of weird, super visible. Your own earbuds, if someone looks at your earbuds, identifies them, thinks it's lame, brother, they're too close to your face. Yeah. Yeah, why are you getting so close? Maybe you're the lame one. Get away from my headsides. Why do they think I'm going to get on their your face. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you getting so close? Maybe you're the lame one. Get away from my head signs.

Why do they think I'm going to get on their goddamn bus? Yeah. Am I right or am I right? Okay. So $10 a month you get that plus the bonus episode. They probably just think you're Larry Bird. $20 a month. I don't know.

Who's the celebrity you look the most like? Larry Bird? Yeah. I look the most like Larry Bird. Okay. Michael Ian Black. I've been told Michael Ian Black. Okay.

That's a good one. I've been told a less flattering one is – oh, what's your culture club lead singer? Boy George. Boy George. Okay. So here's a question. Here's what you get at the $20 a month level, Dave. Dave, I know this is something that you're interested in. I want to know.

Are you interested in intimacy? Oh, I strive for it in my day to day. Absolutely. And when I say intimacy, I'm talking about getting to know yourself and others in a carnal capacity. Oh, we're talking $20 a month is a fuck party? It comes with a red fair wristband. Holy crap. It's essentially, thanks to our friends at ExtremeRestraints.com, a fuck party in a box.

ExtremeRestraints.com? It's our intimate sensations pack. $20 a month, you're getting a massager. A personal massager to work out your kinks. Yeah. And also to put on your pussy or taint or in your butt. I know we're trying to be discreet here. Or as I think Kevin Allison pointed out the other day on Twitter, and I would hesitate to undersell, you can put it on your donger.

Sure. Did I say? Or on someone else's donger. I said donger, didn't I? You said taint. I said taint. You said pussy taint or butt. Oh, I said pussy taint.

I'm sorry. That's a glaring omission on my part, and I'm sorry. I think Kevin mentioned he had a sample one, has a sample one. He put it on a gentleman's donger. Gentleman enjoyed it. Well, that's great. You're also getting a mask. A mask.

A satin mask. Mm-hmm. For sensory deprivation. Sensory deprivation. You could also shove the mask up your butt, I guess. Wait, like one of those- I'm not going to tell you not to. Put it on your dog.

Zipper mouth hole thing? No, it's a little more silk stockings than that. It's a little more Cinemax. Okay. A little less- Fun. A little less fun. No, no. That sounds great.

It sounds better than the scary one. And the world's only podcast branded lube. Maximumfun.org Rocket Lube. You can put that on whatever you please. From toast Anything that needs to be lubricated.

Maybe not your car. Your cam axle. Yeah, sure. Is that something? Maybe. It feels like, for the lady, it feels like Rye Observations and non sequiturs on the side. And at $35 a month, you get not only all of those things. Cumulative, people. Cumulative.

You get it all. If you don't want the Intimate Sensations pack but you want to give $20 a month, you can get one of our cool t-shirts. Oh, so we got five is... Five, we're looking at all the bonus content. Ten, we're looking at all the bonus content and the earbuds. Earbuds. Twenty, we're looking at all the bonus content, the earbuds, and the

Intimate Sensations pack, or, if you prefer, the t-shirt. Okay. Thirty-five, you get all of that stuff, plus our laser-etched rocks glasses. This is something you might enjoy on vacation.

Maybe a little bourbon with your father-in-law? Absolutely. Sure. Why not? He says, oh, this is a handsome glass. What's this for? And you say, it's for a podcast fraternal organization I'm a member of. Right. For business people.

Yeah. Good, good. Because, you know, you want to lubricate your father-in-law. You maybe don't want to use the lube. Right. Absolutely. You want to use – Don't waste your actual lube on your father-in-law.

You want to use a nice cocktail so you can hear all his best racist stuff. Give him some bullet rye over ice and one of the MaxFun branded rock stumbles. Sure. And we've also, during this pledge drive thus far, had four, count them, four Jesse's Golden Eagles. That's $100 a month. You get all of that stuff. Plus, every month, a MaxFun talent person, an on-air broadcaster from the MaxFun family, picks a cultural product, such as a book or a CD or a DVD, and sends it to your door. That's fantastic.

I know. That's really cool. These are, I mean, honestly, I'm no shill, but holy crap, guys. Like, you seem like you really put some time into thinking about some stuff people would actually want. Yeah. We're shooting for 1,000 donors as of this recording. We're at 600.

You can find the latest totals at MaximumFun.org. I want to blow past 1,000. We're doing a live show on Friday night. Hey. Can people come to that? I'm genuinely asking. I'm not setting you up. I just don't know the rules.

People will be here. We will have an audience here made up of MaximumFun.org donors who are invited guests. We will also have a popcorn machine. Oh. Is that an invited guest? Yes, it is. Is it invited guest? Yes, it is. Is it a donor? Yes, it is.

Okay, good. It's donating its services, popping corn. Great. Is it sentient? Yeah. We're doing a live streaming show on Friday night. Will it rise up and kill us? Which everyone out there should watch and enjoy.

Is it the singularity? Jordan, I think you're overthinking this a little bit. Well, let me get Robert Redford on the phone, his secret interdimensional phone. This guy really knows how to think outside the bun. I want to, by the time we do that, I want to have blown past 1,000 donors. Yeah. I think that's going to happen. We got challenge.

People who are already donors put in challenge money. Our listener, Alice, put in a buck for every new donor. Cool. That's amazing. That could add a buck for every new donor. Cool. That's amazing. That could add up to a thousand bucks. Yeah. You know why? Because she's badass.

More than $6 for every new donor is the challenge to you. So if you give five bucks a month, the first month, you're giving 11 bucks because all these awesome donors are doing it. We only ask for money once a year. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate.

I think our shows are worth it. I think you do too because you are almost 100 minutes into a pledge episode. Yes, absolutely. I'm hanging out. I left a lovely lunch where I was getting day drunk to come do this show. Yeah. MaximumFun.org slash donate. I was getting day drunk to come do this show.

Yeah. Maximumfun.org slash donate. And we'll see you online at Maximumfun.org on Friday night when we're going to be streaming the show live. It's going to be a blast. I think it'll be fun. If you give $1,000 a month, that's the Dr. Dave Horwitz's platinum fun guy level. Yeah. I'll teach you a popular dance every month for the rest of your life. Really?

For $1,000 a month? I'll teach you the Foxtrot, the Watusi, the Roomba. I'll teach you the electric slide. I'll teach you the cha-cha slide. Please, someone donate $1,000 to make it follow through on the bits. The chicken noodle soup. I'll teach you. You know the chicken noodle soup.

I will learn it for this thing that I'm saying. Gotcha. I'll teach you the Harlem Shake, the real one, not the thing that the weird people are doing online, you know? Right. The real one. The real Harlem Shake. The salsa. The hustle.

The real Gangnam Style. The real. Not the one people are doing online. The private one. Funky chicken. The funky chicken. The not so funky chicken. Charleston? The cold fried chicken. I funky chicken. The not so funky chicken. Charleston?

The cold fried chicken. I'll teach you the Charleston for sure. Dave, you've just listened to more than 12 dances. Yeah, I'm saying once a month for the rest of your life. Oh, for the rest of your life. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah.

I thought it was a yearly thing. Will you teach people to jerk? I'll teach them to jerk. See, this is the thing, though. We could do video Skype or I could actually go to your home. I don't need you to find me. I'll pay my own ticket. I just want to hang out with you.

And dance. Yeah. I just want to hang out and dance for you. You don't even have to learn it. Will you be Dave's friend? Maximumfund.org slash donate. He's looking for friends. Just put Dave's friend in the subject line.

Dave is a lonely man. Visit him online at maximumFun.org slash donate. And we'll see you at MaximumFun.org Friday night one way or another. You don't have to be a donor to watch the stream. You'll feel like shit if

you do. Yeah. I mean we got special guests. We're going to make you feel like a real shithead. We got all kinds of stuff planned.

Gang there's a popcorn machine. Were you not listening? I know. Maximum Fun. We cannot stream the popcorn though. Yeah. The internet's not there yet.

I take back everything I said. Oh, no, Dave! I take back taking it back. Who's going to teach people the jerk? It's got to be me. Who else is it going to be? It's got to be. It's got to be me. I'll do it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan,

Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective, Dr. Dave Horowitz here for all your needs. You know what?

It's fucking the, it's the maximum fun drive. Yeah. We're delivering the goods. People out there love this show. They're getting crammed full of Jordan and Jesse Goh this week. Yeah. Aren't they?

Aren't they? We got favorite guest Dave Horvitz here. Yeah. From the Bud Light Lime episode. Yeah. The big guns. The guns of Navarone. When something momentous happens to our listeners,

we ask that they call us at 206-984-4FUN. It's for a segment called Momentous Occasions. The calls are recorded. We replay them here on our program. Mr. Fernandez, if you would. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Jeff. This is Thomas from Brooklyn. I'm calling in with what I think might be a momentous occasion or something just really weird. So I'm in my office, and the kind of weird, quiet guy of the office all day has been periodically licking a deodorant stick,

a stick of deodorant, Old Spice, and everybody else in the office has noticed it, and nobody has the courage to approach him and ask what's going on. So I don't know if maybe something crazy happened to him and it's causing him to do this, but it's been happening all day. Well, love the show. Thanks. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow.

There are no words. They should have sent a poet. Contact. Only Walt Whitman could do justice to what we've just heard. Jeez, what is that? Right? I mean, I guess that's maybe, you know, maybe kind of a My Weird Addiction type thing. I was just, yeah, like some either strange compulsion or, I mean.

Hold on one second. Brian, do you have a copy of Thoreau by Walden? row by Walden. Could you take a look in the index under licking a stick of Old Spice and see if there's anything in there that would apply? And just let us know later on in the program. Sorry, Dave, I cut you off. I mean, I can't even imagine. What does it taste like?

I mean, Old Spice sure smells good. Yeah? No? I don't really like super fragrant deodorants and shampoos. Yeah, tone it down. Not my cup, but yeah. It's definitely strong. Yeah.

Powerful. Maybe he just likes their in-your-face ad campaigns. They're very irreverent. They're pretty irreverent. As a guy, they appeal to me. Yeah, as a guy, it's good to know that there's finally a deodorant for me. But I will say this, though, which I feel like we've all neglected to mention. Right.

That ain't food. That shit ain't food. Right. That ain't food. That shit ain't food. Yeah. Well, you know, maybe this is kind of one of those things. It's like I think we had a caller once who talked about the first time they went to work in drag. They felt like this is me. I've been keeping it a secret from my coworkers. I'm coming to work in drag.

Big call. Very courageous. I think we can all agree. Maybe this is this guy's that. This is the day that I'm going to eat my real lunch. Yeah. This is his gender identity? Yeah.

I think that's possible. There's man. There's woman. Gender is a spectrum. It's fluid. Yeah. Some people are men. Some people are women.

If you look at the Kinsey report in the section under Old Spice. Yeah. It says weirdos in the office will lick it. Yeah, maybe this guy has just been like, he's like, fuck it. Yeah, I've been in the office not licking a stick of deodorant for two years. I'm just going to do it. I'm going to be me. No rule against it.

I'm living a lie eating microwavable chicken noodle soup at my desk, secretly wanting nothing more than to be licking a stick of blue deodorant. We go to Quiznos. I don't enjoy it. No. Get yourself a paleta, fresh fruit paleta, lick that. Doesn't scratch the itch. Nah. He can't be going to Quiznos enjoying a chicken carbonara sub.

He doesn't want that. Yeah. He doesn't want to watch it go through the conveyor belt. It doesn't taste like cologne enough. When it comes out the other side of that conveyor belt, he wants it to be a stick of deodorant. It never is. He always wishes.

This guy always walks into the freezer aisle of the grocery store, grabs a box of It's a Caduzzi, tosses it on the conveyor belt, and cries quietly because he knows what it is not. It ain't a blue. It's not going to taste like the sea. Or a semen. As Old Spice would.

A salty Old Seamen. You're talking about Chuck Norris, right? Yes. I'm thinking of high karate. Excuse me. Do you know Chuck Norris shits Old Spice deodorant? Whoa. I feel like I'm sitting in a room with the internet.

I was talking about Captain Ron. Oh, okay. Do we have one more call, Brian? Hey, guys. I'm calling with a momentous ouch-cation. I have this really bad headache. And do you know why I have this headache? Well, let me tell you.

I was just out jogging and a freaking bird flew straight into my head. I thought somebody threw a rock at my head, so it hurt so bad. I turned around and there's this little rob and he's like flailing on the grass all drunkenly and I'm like holding my head all drunkenly on the sidewalk.

I'm like, hey, you okay little buddy? And he's like, blinks at me, and he stands up and he's like, I can't show you. And then he flies away, and then I continue to jog, but, um, yeah. My head is killing me, and I didn't

know birds were so hard. Love the show. Bye. I don't think the bird was talking. I think she was dazed. Yeah. I think you guys got your first ever call from Toontown. I think this is an adorable cartoon lady. Yeah. Who I am dying to meet. Sure.

I want to meet a cartoon. I think if you drew a door on the side of like a wall or a cave, she could probably run right through it. Right through it. This needs to be a new subcategory, momentous ouch-cations. Do you think this was a Disney princess? I hope. Yeah. And the bird was coming to her because she was singing such a sweet song and was so pure

of heart. She wanted to perch on her shoulder. Yeah. That's what you get for singing while you jog, though. Yeah. Nobody wants that shit. You whistle while you work. You don't sing while you jog.

Momentous ouch-cations. I like it. New thing. Unusual injuries. Yeah. Nobody wants that shit. You whistle while you work. You don't sing while you jog. Momentous out occasions. I like it. New thing. Unusual injuries. Yeah. People are injured in unusual ways all the time. Sure. Walking into beams, possibly two guys holding a pane of glass that you walk through.

Yep. Yeah, fist fight. Guy's got a ladder on his shoulder. He turns around to look at something. Hits his buddy. Bonk. Yeah. Bonits his buddy. Bonk. Yeah. Bonks his buddy right in the noggin.

Guys are pulling a piano up a high rise. It falls on you. You turn into some sort of accordion person. Somebody pokes your eyes out. Mm-hmm. Accidentally puncturing the bag of. Oh, sorry. You're a parable for Hitler.

I was going to say you're trying to Maria full of grace a bag of heroin and it breaks inside you. That's another fun on-the-job injury. Border Patrol finds you, they rough you up. 206-9844-FUN. Whether it's a momentous occasion, a moment of shame, or our newest segment, Momentous Ouch-cations. Give us a call. Yeah. Or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio suite. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dr. Dave Horowitz, curing all your ailments. Always great to have you here on the show, Double D. Giving you some new ones. They'll make you sick. What are we talking about?

You're giving people some poisonous tinctures. No, I've just given some ladies some cat scratch fever before. Sorry. I liked it a lot. Sure. I like saying cat scratch fever. It's okay. I mean- It's fun to say.

Who am I to judge anything that anyone says after I sang the chicken dance song? Happily. Okay. Okay. Look. What are the takeaways from this week's program? Number one, watch our live show Friday night on the internet. Yeah. Maximumfun.org.

Number two, go to maximumfun.org slash donate. Number three, you should watch Dave's program, his television program that he writes for. It's called How to Live with Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life. Wednesdays, 9.30, American Broadcasting Corporation. Right after Modern Family. You don't even have to change the channel from that show that everyone watches. You should say keep it there. Alphabet Net.

Oh. Our folks only speak variety. Yeah. This is an industry podcast. Check out my new laugher on Alphabet Net. Oh. Our folks only speak variety. Yeah, this is industry podcasting. Check out my new laugher on Alphabet Net. Skeen stars Scrubs alum Sarah Chalk and TV's Brad Garrett. Not to mention TV newcomer John Doerr, funniest guy in the world. Do you think if it gets canceled on the Alphabet, they can move it to the Laugher Net? John Doerr's on that show, huh?

John Doerr is the funniest man. John Doerr is real funny. Joe Wanger, who's funnier than that? Hey, you know what? Brad Garrett's real funny. My wife's been watching a lot of Everybody Loves Raymond. He fucking kills it every time. He's a pro.

He's amazing. Sounds like a real hilarious TV show. It's great. It's fun. Fun stuff. Maximumfun.org slash donate. We love you all. To all of you

who have already supported us, thank you. To all of you who are about to, awesome. To all of you putting it off,

saying you're going to do it later, don't. Do it now. Maximumfun.org slash donate. Not if you're driving, though.

And for those about to rock. You guys should do it if they're driving. I want people to pull out their fucking phone, do it on their phone, type in their credit card number on their phone while they're behind the wheel of the fucking car. That's how serious I am about this shit. I admire your passion. They should pull over, right, first?

I feel like that's dangerous. I don't care if they're driving. They can just pull to the shoulder? They could be driving a race car. Oh, no. They could be driving. Don't listen to a Mario Andretti. Don't listen to that Mario Kart.

That's what you're going to say. You won't see the turtle shell coming. They could be driving a high-speed thresher through a schoolyard. And I would say now is the time to do it. What about one of those airboats in a bayou? Sure. You know those big fans? They could be driving an alligator through a bayou.

I think that's dangerous to begin with. Yeah. Yeah. Maximumfun.org slash donate. No bullshit. Right? No fucking bullshit. No, I don't have time for that.

You know what? I agree with you. Do it while you're driving. Just do it. This is great. Podcasts are great. Everybody stop pretending you don't know what it is. We're paying. Hey, parents. Don't call it the Twitter. Don't pretend you don't know what podcasts are. It's radio. Shut up. Yeah, Mom. I've explained

this to you enough. Put it on your phone. They're funny. They're informative. Everyone's dumb. Can I just say this? I'm mad. Go ahead. We're fucking paying people. Yeah. This money goes to people who make the shows you listen to. It doesn't go to Warner Brothers.

It doesn't go to some intermediary. It doesn't go to a key grip. Fucking key grips. Greedy key grips. It doesn't go to some asshole best boy. Yeah.

But doesn't most of it go to Joss Whedon? It does, none of it goes to Joss Whedon. Oh. Okay. It goes directly

to the people whose work you enjoy. Do not pass. I enjoy Joss Whedon's work. Yeah, you should give something to Joss Whedon. I should give Joss Whedon some money.

I really like Firefly. Joss Whedon, if you wanted to, just drop me a line, I'll give you some money. I didn't like the Avengers as much as everyone some money. I really like Firefly. Joss Whedon, if you wanted to, just drop me a line. I'll give you some money. I didn't like The Avengers as much as everyone did, but I did like Firefly. You didn't like when the Hulk punched Thor? That was fun.

I enjoyed that. I forgot that happened. That gave me a real smile. But don't give Joss Whedon any money. Donate it to Maximum Fun. Sure. That guy's got money. He doesn't need yours.

He's fine. That guy's not sweating it. He's making his own little Shakespeare movies at his house for fun. That's how much money that guy's got. On a lark. He's making movies on a lark. He's making fuck it movies. You know what I'm doing on a lark?

Nothing. Yeah. Give us some money to make fuck it movies. To be fair, you're getting drunk dropping a couple of Vicodin and watching news radio. That's for work. That's for work. I'll tweet on a lark, but I'm not going to lie. I hope somebody, I hope That's for work. That's for work. I'll tweet on Alark, but I'm not going to lie.

I hope somebody, I hope that's a profession. You know, I'm writing jokes. Sure. Television, movies, radio. The future. It's now. Maximumfun.org slash donate.

We'll talk to you next time. Am I awake? Yes, you go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. you next time. Am I awake? Yes, you go.