Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 272: Morris Morris with Ricky Carmona

Episode Date: April 22, 2013

Comedian and host of Wham Bam Pow, Ricky Carmona joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of softball, baseball movies and Jordan's new comedic persona. Plus, The Master of Would You Rather Jim Real stops by for an epic round of Would You Rather.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Warm day in Los Angeles, warm day for softball. We missed you at softball practice, Jordan. Oh, I can't be on the softball team, Jesse. I have too many comedy commitments. I'm sorry. It's a real disappointment you're not on the softball team, Jordan. Oh, I can't be on the softball team, Jesse. I have too many comedy commitments. I'm sorry.

It's a real disappointment you're not on the softball team, Jordan. I'm disappointed to not be on it. You should go to the doctor. You know why? You're going to need to get your esprit de corps checked. What's that? Team spirit. Oh.

Well, if you guys ever need a belly itcher, you can probably step in there with that much practice I don't know that I could be the pitcher but I could potentially be the belly itcher well you could be the pitcher you have a big butt do pitchers typically have big butts? pitchers got a big butt according to the film Major League Major League? No not Major League

Little Big League Little Big League is the one where he gets have you seen any of these League. Little Big League. Okay. Little Big League is the one where he gets – have you seen any of these movies? So, okay. Little Big League. So there's Little Big League is the one about the kid who breaks his arm and then That's the one with Pitcher's Got a Big Butt. Okay.

That was the big laugh line in Little Big League was him yelling, Pitcher's got a big butt. Yeah, there was definitely our childhood had a lot of like kid baseball comedies. I know. Well, they heard that I was a of like kid baseball comedies. I know. Well, they heard that I was a child. That's what happened, I think. I went to see The Babe for a birthday party. Oh, cool. The Babe Ruth movie starring John Goodman.

I was too old to do that for a birthday party. I must have been 11. Right? Brian, look up what year The Babe came out with John Goodman. How old must I have been? I don't know. 13? I did a birthday party

when I went to see Sidekick starring Jonathan Brandis and Chuck Norris. Well, as long as we're talking about terrible movies, we should bring our guest into the mix since he's the host

of Max Fund's own show about action and sci-fi movies, or the co-host, I should say. A comedian, formerly of Chicago, Illinois, now of Los Angeles, California, Mr. Ricky Carmona. How are you, sir?

Very good. How are you guys doing? Which do you prefer, The Babe or Sidekicks? As a movie expert. I would go with The Babe on that one. I would take The Babe. 11 years old I was when The Babe came out. We have confirmation.

It was my 11th birthday, 1992, when I went to see the babe for my birthday. Rookie of the Year is the movie with Pitcher's Got a Big Butt. What's Little Big League, then? Is that even a movie? Did I make that up? That is a movie, Brian says. Major League. No, not Major League.

What's the movie I just said? Rookie of the Year. Okay, Rookie of the Year is where he breaks his arm. Yeah. Somehow, they have to transplant something. Somehow his arm becomes robo-powerful. Yeah, he has a robo-arm. He becomes the starting pitcher on the Chicago Cubs.

Yeah. And I think he takes him to the playoffs. I feel like he takes him to the World Series, maybe against the Minnesota Twins. What? In the Metrodome. I remember there being a Metrodome scene. Okay, Little Big League is the...

Okay. There we go. Brian has us straightened out now. Little Big League is the Twins movie. The kid becomes the manager of the Twins. Man, we are getting so many angry tweets from 90s kid baseball comedy fans. They are angry. Right now we're getting angry tweets from early 90s Minnesota Twins.

Kent Herbeck. Gary Gaiety. They are angry. Right now we're getting angry tweets from early 90s Minnesota twins. Kent Herbeck. Gary Gaiety. Gary Gaiety. Sorry, Jordan. Apologies. I'll bring it back. That's okay. Shout out to Angels in America.

I don't care. Angels in America? Tony Kushner? A gay Fantasia on national themes? What is it? Angels in the Outfield. That's what I'm thinking about. Yeah, that was in therener. Just because. A gay Fantasia on national themes. Oh, no. What is it? Angels in the Outfield. That's what I'm thinking about. Yeah, that was in there.

Also, Sandlot. Sandlot. Big one. Both Angels in the Outfield and Angels in America had a lot to say about the AIDS crisis. That one. Yeah. Oh, I love the Al Pacino. Christopher Lloyd was a helpful angel who died of AIDS.

He was one of the first AIDS deaths. The angels in the outfield in question were Freddie Mercury, Rock Hudson. Right. Keith Haring. Liberace. Of those movies, of those mid-90s kid baseball comedies, does Sandlot hold up the best? Is that the legitimate good movie of that bunch? That's what everybody says.

I've never seen Sandlot. I don't think Sandlot's actually good. But, I mean, like for a kid's movie. Out of those movies. Yeah, out of those bunch. That's what everybody says. I've never seen Sandlot. I don't think Sandlot's actually good. But I mean like for a kid's movie. Out of those movies. Yeah, out of those movies. If we were to pick one that would...

Because I think Major League is a stupid movie but it is successful at what it does. But I guess that's disqualified because it's for grownups. Yeah, that's how...

I would say out of those Major League was my favorite but I can't include it because it's for... I mean Major League is a legitimate two, two and a half favorite, but I can't include it because it's for... I mean, Major League is a legitimate two, two and a half star movie. You won't go three?

I'll go, well, it depends on whether you're giving it a half a point for like, having, for shooting low. I think its greatest achievement was that it paved the way for necessary roughness. The Major League of football.

I'm giving it an extra point for Rene Russo is what I'm doing. Okay, fair enough. You get that Russo boost. By the way, the category is movies Jesse saw with his dad at the drive-in double feature. The next answer is this Damon Wayans vehicle. Blank man, blank man. It was Mo Money. I was going to say Mo Money. Inferior to Black man, black man. It was Mo Money. I was going to say Mo Money.

Inferior to black man in every way. That or the last Boy Scout. Yeah. What do you think? Okay, so if we're talking categories, mid-90s, urban superhero movie, black man or Captain Meteor. Which one was Captain Meteor? That was Robert Townsend. Oh, that's the Meteor Man. Meteor Man Which one was Captain Meteor? That was Robert Townsend. Oh, that's the Meteor Man.

Meteor Man. Meteor Man. Meteor Man. Sorry. Again, I did not see Meteor Man, but I did see Blank Man in the theater. Yeah. So I will give my vote to Blank Man. Is Blank Man?

No, I'm thinking of Handyman. Yeah. Yeah. Blank Man was a little bit ahead of his time. I feel like now there's all these movies about, you know, like everyday guys, you know, pooling their resources and becoming a superhero. You're kick asses. You're supers. But that came first. I'll tell you.

I heard – I remember listening to Damon Wayans on Fresh Air. And this was when I thought back to all the things that I really loved on In Living Color and realized that they were probably a combination of terrible and offensive. I remember how much I loved men on film. Oh, yeah. And then thinking back and thinking like, that is horrible. That is awful. Like so cruel and disgusting. Yeah.

I have heard that men on film is widely embraced and accepted. Right. So, okay. They love it. So, and I also was, do you remember Handyman? Handyman was like a superhero with like cerebral palsy or something. He talked out of the side of his mouth. He was a Damon Wayans character.

So, then I heard Damon Wayans on fresh air talking about this damon wayans a is the most sympathetic man you could ever have talking about anything ever like you you want to be his friend from the moment he opens his mouth b he he can explain so easily why those things aren't offensive and you believe him a hundred percent and then at the end of it you're like wait a minute no that's still offensive there's something about he grew up with a club foot yeah that makes handyman okay and he has a gay friend or something. So that makes Handyman okay. Those are the most difficult arguments when something is criticized for being offensive.

The like, listen, this comes from a personal place. Like no matter how tangentially related. Yeah. Those are always the toughest ones. But he really, really sold them. And I bought into them at least while it was going on. And then I thought back. Because then I was like, I loved Fire Marshal Bill. Right?

Yeah. Fire Marshal Bill is the worst thing ever. It is horrible. It is as bad as anything could be. What is Fire Marshal Bill even based on? Like where did it come from? Well, it's based on Jim Carrey felt he wasn't doing enough yelling on the program. Basically all of Jim Carrey's comedy is based on him taking a script and adding yelling.

Like that kind of yelling. Something with his neck veins popping out what's the yeah what what are the what what are the things people like in living color advocates will defend men on film i think people uh uh who are the homeboys the homeboy shopping network the mo money guys what about what about homie the clown are there people who are sympathetic to Homie the Clown? Homie the Clown is pretty funny. You know what? Another thing I really liked that I found myself still liking was the elderly blues man. Oh, yeah.

David Allen Greer. David Allen Greer. Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it here go? Yeah. I do remember. I can't. Looking back on that, I haven't seen it as an adult.

I think if I saw it now, I would probably be like, wow, this is really slow. There's no jokes in it, et cetera, et cetera. But if I do look back on my memories of it from watching it between The Simpsons and Home Improvement or what. Herman's head. Herman's head. Then it does amuse me in retrospect. Oh, that's the church lady effect. I think that's the Saturday Night Live sucks now effect, right?

It's just that when you think back about something from your teenage years, you leave out all of the long, boring parts. Oh, absolutely. I mean, I watch, we grew up, I'm 31 years old. Jordan, you're a year younger than I am. I don't know how old you are already. I'm 36. So we grew up in, you probably grew up

in a sort of transitional era of Saturday Night Live, but obviously one of the great eras of Saturday Night Live is your Hartman slash Mike Myers slash Dana Carvey years, right? I'm pretty squarely in that. Like that was the first Saturday Night Live that really touched me. And I think now, and you want to be like, that was really the pinnacle of that show. I remember like I was 11, 12 years old, had very low standards, and I remember being bored through half of the sketches, if I think about it.

Yeah. Because they write the whole fucking show in a week, and then they put it on live. It's really hard. Yeah. It's 90 minutes long. A thing that Saturday Night Live, that happened a lot in that era, that they don't do don't do now is like something you can really say for the show. There are some sketches that aren't sketches. They are little plays.

Yeah. There are some times where they would just film like a – they're like, oh, this is a six-minute play that someone wrote. Yeah. I kind of feel like those are always Jack Handy's doing. Yeah. I don't know. All the Jack Handy things seem like sketches. Well, they're very Jack Handy-ish, but they're very involved, I guess is what I mean.

Those really early ones would be like when Belushi was on there, and they'd just be like these little short films. I'd be like, is this supposed to be funny? It's just like a little – Yeah. If you watch early – if you watch the beginning of Saturday Night Live, you're like, Jesus Christ, is this boring. It's a boring, boring television show. And it's just – I guess they had not had comedy on television to that point. Right.

They had MASH. Sure. Serial comic. The Benny Hill Show. Was it Benny Hill Show? Yeah, there was Benny Hill on. It was on at the time. Yeah, sure.

So I think the one thing, the one exception that I will make to that rule is I had a friend. I had never, in high school, I never believed. I didn't, I'm a little bit too young to have grown up watching the Chevy Chase films of his heyday. I think the fact that you're four or five years older than me, you might have caught your vacations. I caught vacation. And your Fletches and the good movies that he made in the early to mid 80s.

Fletch isn't that good. I still kind of like Fletch. Fletch is good. Yeah, Fletch is hilarious. I. I still kind of like Fletch. Fletch is good. Yeah, Fletch is hilarious. I watched that two or three weeks ago. Yeah, Fletch is pretty great. You're wrong about Fletch. But I only remembered his downfall years.

That was because, you know, he had his late night show when I was 11. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? So I had thought Chevy Chase was the least funny person in the history of the world. When I was 17, I couldn't believe, I didn't understand why he was funny, et cetera, et cetera. And my friend had a VHS of the best of Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live, which is out

of print, I think. I don't think they ever brought it back into print because Chevy Chase is such a dick. And I watched it and I was like, wow, this is the funniest person I've ever seen in my entire life. And then I realized he was only on Saturday Night Live for a year. One season, he made one of the funniest sets of, you know, 70 minutes of comedy I've ever seen in my life. And so I will give an exception to old Chevy Chase. But I think if, I don't

know, like John, is John Belushi funny or do you just want to hang out with him a lot because he's so, such a bon vivant? I'm going to lose so much credibility here. I've never seen Animal House, so I can't base his career on that. That's kind of an achievement. He has a pretty small, Animal House is a little bit boring if you watch it now. He has a pretty small part in it also, but he is pretty great. Yeah.

But it's mostly charming, right? Sure. More than funny? Yeah, that's- Like fun. Absolutely. Sure. It's a lot of-

Yeah, you're watching some guys goof around. Right. He's not really- Like, Blues Brothers is one of my favorite movies, and he's not exactly funny in Blues Brothers. It's more just like a fun thing yeah well i mean i think i think at the time this is why you know it got so much credit is that like something something just had to be outrageous because it was like legitimately brave to do

something outrageous right it did like people were actually offended the snobs controlled the industry right come on yeah they didn't like the like the implication that the slob could potentially rise up. So, yeah, I think a lot of that stuff was legitimately, you know, it was boundary pushing and you were laughing because you had never seen, you know, a guy smoke pot on camera. Right. Or what have you. So, yeah, I think it was I think it was more of that. And it gets because that was so outrageous to see at the time. But now it's like, oh, a guy can smoke pot on camera, but he has to be saying something funny in addition to that.

Right. Right. And that makes sense. There's definitely, like, movies that I haven't seen that I know when I watch them, like Animal House, like, all right, when we watch this, Ricky, don't think – don't forget that this is the movie that set the standard for what happens. Animal House invented every movie. Animal House and Caddyshack essentially invented the comedies of the next 15 years. Right, right. They were all just knockoffs.

I guess Ghostbusters invented a new kind of comedy, the sort of blockbuster action comedy. But, yeah, pretty much that was... Blues Brothers is a weird movie. Totally. How did they get that movie made? I think that was just do whatever you fucking feel like it, most famous comedy guys in the world. Because they're terrible at music. I mean, Dan Aykroyd's not a bad harmonica player.

Sure. But, like, Belushi is a terrible singer. It's creepy that they're playing R&B music. That's weird. Yeah. They had a platinum album. Their album went platinum. Is it actually them singing on it?

Yes. Okay. It's not an album of the songs from the movie. It is an album of the Blues Brothers band. Singing. It is a live album of the songs from the movie. It is an album of the Blues Brothers band. Singing. It is a live album. Wow. Recorded at, I think, the Hollywood Bowl or something like that.

Yeah. I think it was when they were on tour. And it was like a huge album. It was like a big deal. Would you say it's better or worse than The Simpsons Sing the Blues? Is The Simpsons Sing the Blues the first Simpsons album or the second Simpsons album? Yeah. The one with Do the Bartman?

It has Do the Bartman. I think Do the Bartman is better than the whole... I mean, honestly, one thing about the Blues Brothers that's kind of weird is they really did bring in A-quality ringers. So Paul Schaefer

put the band together and he literally hired the greatest musicians in that genre in the world. Because they weren't doing anything because disco had ruined their careers and it was you know 1983 so they literally were not just hanging around you know steve cropper and duck dunn were just hanging around their house but they are legitimately pretty much a team of the great like it is a genuine dream team of musicians so the band is pretty great. But the Blues Brothers, they sang.

I mean, like, it was not a comedy act on Saturday Night Live. It was them singing songs as a music performance. Yeah. Yeah, they never, like, winked at the camera or anything. Or did a joke. Or did a joke, right, right. It was like, we're about to knock the hell out of Soul Man. As a kid, I was very confused as to what was supposed to be funny about the Blues Brothers.

I always kind of thought I didn't get it. I read this article that – Why does my dad love this so much, I thought. About the making of the movie that was in Vanity Fair or something like that. Fascinating article. I mean basically like for two-thirds of the movie, they were just trying to keep Belushi from dying. That was like a real focus. Like he would just disappear and they would find him like

five doors down from where they were shooting inside someone's house hanging out with them and doing blow. Like while he was supposed to be on set shooting scenes. Still in Blues Brother gear? Yeah I'm sure. I'm sure he was. And like Hackroyd's original script

was like 250 pages or 300 pages. Yeah. Like, they had to convince, like, nobody, none of the black people involved wanted to be in it because it's creepy. Sure. And they had to be like, they had to be explained, they had to explain to them that they had no other career going because it was 1982 or whatever. It is a weird, weird thing. But I do love it. Oh, yeah. That's what I was going to say.

All that being said, and you love the movie. I do. I do not like the Blues Brothers movie. Why? For all the reasons that I just said. You don't like car accidents. Yeah. How many cars are going to fucking crash?

The cars should be treated with respect. It's a weird movie. It is a very weird movie. I just don't get it. I'm like, they're blues singers. They're getting the band back together. They're getting the band back together. Where was the band before that?

They got all the most famous soul singers in the world together from John Lee Hooker to Cab Calloway. I do like, one of my favorite parts about that movie in terms of the sort of tone deafness of it is just the fact that black people is a genre, is the genre of music they're tackling. Blacks.

Of the movies of around that time with around those people. What do you mean by those people? Blacks. Here's some of my favorite blacks. He's talking about H. Ross Perot. Yeah. The first Saturday Night Live group of people. Boy, I check in with the jerk once a year to make sure it's still hilarious.

That shit is still hilarious. Bernadette Peters still gives me a little bit of a boner. Like not a full-on boner, but like I remember the legitimate boners that I got over her. I met Bernadette Petersers one time i will tell you um i was working in high school i worked at the war memorial performing arts center in san francisco which is the opera the symphony and this in the herbst theater and she came to do uh like a bernadette peters in concert at the symphony and when she was around the people at the symphony were shitting their fucking pants and i don't think i was like 16 i'm not even sure i had seen the jerk at that point

i sincerely did not know who she was and so i kept getting jobs to like give her hand or something you know what i mean just because i was the only person there that wasn't terrified to make eye contact with Bernadette Peters. This is just a shot in the dark, but I'm guessing a lot of these employees that were freaked out were gay men? Yes. Absolutely.

You think it's possible a lot of gay men work at the opera, Jordan? I mean, it's a shot in the dark. I'm not basing it on anything. It's just a feeling. Right. You know, like being in love. Sure.

The jerk is pretty hilarious. The jerk, well, the jerk has jokes in it, kind of unlike these other, you know, it's like Ghostbusters doesn't even really have that many jokes in it. I guess cat and dogs living together is a joke. That's true. I was definitely surprised. I watched Ghostbusters not that long ago. I was really surprised at how few jokes itusters not that long ago. I was really surprised at how few jokes it was.

But I actually, how few jokes it had. Yeah. But I was surprised also at how much I enjoyed watching it. Yeah, Ghostbusters is great. Ghostbusters is great.

And yeah, it doesn't have a lot of jokes. It's a lot of personalities. When Bill Murray shows up, oh, I love this guy. Harold Ramis. They're just all like- Ray Parker Jr.

Ray Parker Jr., come on. When he Jr. Come on. When he comes on the soundtrack. There's a – the Meltdown Theater does a thing. Oh, Ricky, you performed at this. Bad Movie Night. They'll just show kind of a bad VHS movie from yesteryear. And they always play a couple of trailers before the movie.

And one of them is this kind of amazing blaxploitation movie starring Ray Parker Jr. Kind of similar plot to The Raid, it seems. He is in like a tenement and has to fight his way out of it. It's like an 80s blaxploitation movie? Yes. Is this post-Ghostbusters? This will date it.

The voiceover says, one of the hottest new talents on the scene, Ray Parker Jr., best known for his hit song from the film Ghostbusters. So this is his first foray into acting. I wish I could remember the title. But it is like him beating up drug dealers. He used to play Huey Lewis in the film Ghostbusters. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I'm kind of tempted to track that down. Yeah. Probably unwatchable. It's in my head now, too. I want to track that down. Yeah, now you got this. Probably unwatchable. It's in my head now, too. I want to see this movie. Okay, well, we'll be back in just a second after we've watched that movie on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

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If you want to be a sponsor of Maximum Fun shows, email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to be a sponsor of Maximum Fun shows, email Teresa, T-H-E-R-E-S-A at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, It can be your nickname. Are these nicknames you guys have given yourself? Or is this – I feel like that's – well, then I don't – There's a whole point of the nicknames on our show. We gave them – now, granted, we gave them to ourselves when we were 19 and 18. Okay. Sure. So we had a lack of self-awareness that led us to give ourselves stupid nicknames.

Can I suggest – And I think no idea that we would still be saying it 13 years later. Yeah. I've been a big fan of Dark Gable lately. I've been giving myself... Dark Gable. Because you're so smooth, like Clark Gable? That's what's up.

Okay, I like it. I like that, DG. You are pretty smooth. And you own every Star Trek TV show on DVD, like Clark Gable. Exactly, exactly. Going to upgrade to Blu-ray soon. Yeah.

Ricky, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and our buddy Colton Dunn the other night. Star Trek is one of those things that I don't like to watch, but I love to hear guys talk about it. I love to hear guys talk about whether or not they prefer Next Generation to Voyager or whatever. He was really upset that I was not a fan of Voyager. He was like, what? Yeah. What's your favorite of the Star Trek? It's a tie between...

The Whoopi Goldberg one. That's right. Next Generation and Deep Space Nine. Actually, Next Generation and then Deep Space Nine is a very close, close second. Not a fan of the original Star Wars at all. Deep Space Nine, if I remember correctly from my high school English teacher, she explained Deep Space Nine was the best one because they're allowed to have conflict

in ways that you're not allowed to have on regular Star Trek because of the prime directive. Oh, look at her. There's a lot of interpersonal conflict on Deep Space Nine that you can't have on regular Star Trek. And it was the first Star Trek where every week it wasn't like, who's this new alien? Who's this new alien? Like, there was always just different. They were always running into people throughout the whole episode. It wasn't like, from now on, for this next hour, it's just going to be about the Romulans.

We went to the planet where they have the this. Yeah, exactly. Because they were the space station where all the planets would have to stop before they went somewhere else. Were there a lot of old-timey episodes of Star Trek The Next Generation, like Victorian episodes? They would do that. A lot of Holodeck, right?

I was going to say a lot of Holodeck episodes, a lot of Holodeck, a lot of Robin Hood, a lot of holodeck episodes. A lot of holodeck. A lot of Robin Hood. Yeah. A lot of Sherlock Holmes episodes. That's what I vaguely remember. I did watch, I mean, I watched Star Trek the next, I remember watching Star Trek the Next Generation on Channel 44 in San Francisco. And that's what I, the two things I remember is being confused as to why Whoopi Goldberg was on it. That was number one. And number two, I have a great as to why Whoopi Goldberg was on it. That was number one.

And number two, I have a great fondness for Whoopi Goldberg. I should explain. And then number two, I remember them going back in time a lot. And I'm glad that you explained why they were constantly. Because I remember Patrick Stewart in different outfits. That's the main thing I remember. And then what's the blockhead guy called? He's always angry.

The blockhead guy? Yeah, you know, he's got the big head, and he's always angry. He's always fighting guys. Worf. Worf. So Worf would go back in time, and you'd be like, why don't these guys just be like, hey, what's with the black guy with the crazy head? I'll say I don't think they were going back in time. I think they were in a holographic simulation of another time.

Yes, that is correct. So I think you could probably program in new rules and, you know. Like ignore the black guy with the crazy head? Yeah, for old-time people to be less racist. Don't freak out around the black guy. Make sure that button gets pushed. Don't call him a moor. A dastardly moor.

Well, I told you, Jordan, I just had softball practice for the Max Fun Rockets. It's going to be a long season. It's going to be a very long season. Sonny D wasn't there, unfortunately. But he's plans to return. Are you guys playing other podcast networks? Are you going to play the Joe Rogan motherfuckers? Oh, dear God, I hope not.

I feel like the Joe Rogan podcast network softball team, what they do is they just take the softball bats and hit you with them. Right. They hit you until you realize that the moon landing was fake. It's going to be a long... We'll check in. We'll check in with that story.

We'll check in with that.. We'll check in with that. Hey, if you're – seriously, can I just make an announcement? If you're good at softball and you live in Los Angeles and you're known to us, you know, you've come to Comax Fun Con or something, you don't even have to be that good. If you throw with your shoulder – I don't – there's no other way to say this without being rude, so I apologize, but you don't throw like a girl. I know that there's girls who don't throw that way and the boys who do, so I apologize. It's just the shortest way to explain. If you throw like a boy and we know who you are and you want to be on the team, fucking send me an email. You got like five days before the roster cut off.

Let's do this because we need a couple people that can throw the ball across the diamond. That's what I'm looking for. Any of those movies that we talked about earlier, I think they should be allowed to submit as well. If they've seen Angel in the Outfield, if they've seen Little Big League, if they've seen Mr. Baseball,

if you've seen Mr. Baseball where Tom Selleck goes to Japan. I think I might have seen that one on a birthday too. Yeah, yeah. That was a big deal release for me. That was a weekend of – You loved Tom Selleck as a kid.

I loved baseball movies, I guess. I don't know. I watched – as a kid, I watched like Eight Men Out and Bang the Drum Slowly, Bingo Long and His Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings starring Billy Dee Williams. Wow. I just watched every baseball movie they had at Blockbuster. I read an article recently talking about how surprising it was that that movie 42 did so well because baseball movies are underperformers these days. Field of Dreams was my favorite movie. Oh, okay.

Field of Dreams is great. What's Bang the Drum Slowly? Banging the Drum Slowly is a movie from the 70s, actually a pretty good movie about a ball player struggling with cancer. Huh. I've never heard of this movie. This is actually a legitimately good movie. It may have even been nominated for some Oscars. Is that right?

Yeah. I remember the critics' take on Field of Dreams was that all the old players come out of the court field and they're all like racists. take on Field of Dreams. All the old players come out of the court field and they're all like racists. Jordan, what have you been up to while I was at softball practice? You'll forgive me

if I'm maybe not firing on all cylinders today. I just got off the plane. I was at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Portland, Oregon with our friend Matt Bronger. Yes. And basically a lot of really cool things happened.

But the most noteworthy is perhaps that I met Gallagher. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So, yeah. We should give Ricky some backstory. When Jordan and I were in college, Gallagher was scheduled to be on The Sound of Young America but canceled at the last minute. But they were kind enough to give us a pair of tickets to see Gallagher in Salinas, California. Which turns out to be much further than we thought it was from Santa Cruz. You know, we always talked about getting out to Steinbeck country, and it was nice to have an excuse.

Turns out it's like a 90-minute drive from Santa Cruz. So we drove so far to get to Salinas. Made it to this like town hall and the two things that are important to know about Gallagher's show are number one he loves and respects his fans. Signs autographs for like an hour, two hours

before and after the show. Rides around on a tricycle through the audience throwing things before the show starts. Just loves his fans. And I think we should say and i should also say this about the meeting i had with him this weekend is i guess there's no way for us to prove whether we were seeing gallagher or gallagher 2 i think yeah gallagher 2 is his brother who tours as who toured as gallagher until he got sued by his brother gallagher

um he was just doing his brother's act. So that's number one. Loves and respects his fans. Number two, much more racist and homophobic than you expected. Just a lot of sort of puerile, sort of fourth grade-y race material. You know, just sort of like black guys have big dicks and Chinese guys have small dicks type material. Like, I can't remember that. The one only joke I remember specifically is him pouring.

He's so, through this whole show, he's making pies to smash. Right? Because he smashes watermelons. That's his big grand finale. But he makes pies to smash first. And so he has these pans, pie pans, and he's putting different stuff in them that he's going to smash later at the end of the show. He doesn't smash anything

for a solid two hours. Wow. No opener. No opener. It's like Springsteen. It's like racist Uncle Springsteen. Old racist Uncle Springsteen. So he's filling pies with different shit.

I do remember him. And he hates cities because he plays poorly there because he's terrible and not funny. And he put a giant, like, borderline novelty size can of chow mein into a pan. And then he put a giant borderline novelty size can of fruit cocktail into the pan. And then he said, that's my San Francisco pie. That's the level of humor we're talking about at a Gallagher show. Wow. Yeah.

For real. Big laughs on that line he got? Fucking. Gallagher is destroying. Yeah. Destroying. People are going crazy. At one point right before the show started, Jordan turned to me and said, I remember this.

He turned to me and said, wow, I hope he does the bit where he smashes the watermelons. And this couple in front of us turns around angry. And they say, and the husband says, we've been to see him four times and he always does the bit where he smashes the watermelons. Yeah. And I guess it's surprising because I guess like I'm, you know, my favorite thing to do as a child was to get up around 7 a.m. on a Saturday and just watch Comedy Central. Right. And, you know, I would just watch whatever was on before or after Mystery Science Theater. So it was either Monty Python and the Holy Grail or a Gallagher special from like the 70s.

And I guess I – Probably the two comedic high points of the 70s. Yeah, exactly. I know. Yeah. So yeah, I guess I always associate him as like a kind of a – like a free love guy. You think of him as being like Robin Williams in his first special. Right.

Exactly. Or a kind of a wavy gravy Jerry Garcia kind of him as being like Robin Williams in his first special. Right, exactly. Or a kind of a wavy gravy Jerry Garcia kind of comedian. Like a goofball. Yeah, and it is, and yeah, it was really amazing

to hear the racial stuff. Anger. A lot of anger. Yeah. So here's, here was my interaction with him. Okay.

It was just, I was getting out of my, What are the circumstances? I was getting out of my first show at the Mount Tabor Theater and just kind of on the sidewalk. And someone taps me on the shoulder and it's like a photographer. It's a girl with a camera. I think I've seen her taking pictures around.

And she's like, hey, I'm a little drunk. Get a picture with Gallagher. Turn around, and Gallagher is standing there with a plastic bag from 7-Eleven. Gallagher also has a, like, not like a windbreaker with his picture on the back. Like a Gallagher anorak. Yeah. One of his signature anoraks. Right.

And so I'm there with Mike Burns and Mike Bridenstine. Yes. And so everybody kind of crowds around Gallagher. Heather Thompson, too, I should say. Everybody was there. Then maybe Arnie's doesn't know. Maybe they do. So everybody crowds around Gallagher.

We take a picture. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you can see it. It actually came out pretty good. And then we just started talking to Gallagher. And Gallagher asked me – so he got the information that we were all comics. He does not seem to know what the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is. He was brought in to do it. Was he performing at it?

He, I guess, was guesting on people's podcasts. Okay. So I think, oh, you know, I think he was on the live Walking the Room. Gotcha. Huh. Anyways. That's interesting that he would do that because he's had bad experiences on podcasts. Yeah, I know.

I'm not sure he knows that. Yeah. He either thinks he was great or forgot that it happened. So first, oh, first things first, he offers us pork rinds. Great. In his plastic 7-Eleven bag is a bag of pork rinds. Is there any dick pills in there? I did not see any Vibramax or Extendo files.

An Extendo file, by the way, is not a dick pill. That's a dick pill enthusiast. Right. Yeah, exactly. Sure. You know, the first dick pill was. All right. What can I say?

I'm quite the extendophile. The ancient Babylonians had a version of the dick pill. So he offers everybody pork rinds. Then he asked me if I was a comic, and I said that I was. And he's like, so what's your name? And I said, Jordan. He's like, huh, so you're going with that? He's actually pretty funny.

And I'm like, yeah, I mean, I guess so, right? I'm like, what's wrong with it? He's like, no, Jordan, it's like a girl's name. I said, what's your last name? I said, Morris. He's like, oh, you should call yourself that. I like that Gallagher is advocating. His advice is do exactly what I did.

This works great for him. I mean, to be fair. Yeah. So I told him my name was Morris. And he's like, oh, you know what you should do? Just double it. Call yourself Morris Morris. And then what you do is you come out on stage and you say, are you ready for more Morris?

Which seems like a great idea. So that happened. And then just it segued seamlessly into racist Obama one-liners. Wow. Yeah. Can I say, though, look, I don't think Jordan's a girl's name. Yeah. I do like the name Morris Morris.

I think that is a strong comedy name. Well, I mean, I think if this was the 70s and I was looking to be a rainbow-suspendered, tie-dyed shirt, you know, free love bus, roller skating comedian. Morris Morris is great. But, I mean, you're like a fun guy still. I mean, all I'm saying is I think Morris Morris would work for you right now. The only kind of guy I think Morris Morris doesn't work for is like, I'm telling the truth when everyone else is scared to. That guy, like if Doug Stanhope's name was Morris Morris

You wouldn't buy it. I would have a hard time with that. But I think a fun guy like you. Do you think I should get fatter? Morris Morris. I was going to say if you're saying getting fatter because right away I was thinking Bruce Bruce. If Bruce Bruce can exist. There's nothing wrong with Bruce Bruce. There's nothing wrong with Bruce Bruce at all.

Bruce Bruce has had a lot of success my friend. That's true. Had a lot of success before he died from his corpulent obesity. Is Bruce Bruce gone? I think Bruce Bruce is gone. What? Brian, can you look up whether Bruce Bruce is alive? Oh, no. I think he's passed on.

I might be mistaken. He didn't make it. And you know, just while we're doing that check... He didn't make it. He didn't make it through the 800-pound crucible. While you're doing that, check up on Earthquake, too. Probably. Just to be safe.

Earthquake's definitely still with us. Yeah! Bruce Bruce is with us. Brian has confirmed. He was in the movie Think Like a Man. I'll tell you. Bruce Bruce. What was he hosting?

What was he hosting? He was hosting Comic View, or was he hosting... He was hosting Comic View for a minute. Showtime at the Apollo. There was something that he was hosting that I feel like was in syndication. I think it was Comic View or was he hosting Showtime at the Apollo? There was something that he was hosting that I feel like was in syndication. I think it was Comic View. Was it Comic View?

Okay. He was a great host. He's not a great comedian, I don't really think, but he is a great host. Bruce Bruce comes out on stage, says some stuff, you're ready to fucking enjoy yourself. That's what I think about Bruce Bruce. He's just out there. He's having fun. You're having fun with him.

He's got dancing ladies. I remember he always had dancing ladies. It's fun. It's Bruce Bruce. We're all having fun. You can pull off a suit and dreadlocks, like the tight cornrows. I was in.

I was always like, wait a minute, I like this guy. Absolutely. You start talking, buddy. You got me. So is the plan for me to get really fat? No. I think you could be Morris Morris with horn-rimmed glasses. Oh, okay.

What about horn-rimmed glasses? So I'm like a Shelly Berman type? Am I? I'm not talking about full-on elderly Jew glasses. Okay. Number one, that's my territory. Sure. Number two. Step on your thing.

Number two, I think, no, I think more of a, you don't have to be a full-on poindexter. I think you could be a sort of, you know, like a mid-century, like, oh, what is, what's our man on, like the other dudes on Mad Men? A beard guy or- I'm sure like the copywriters on Mad Men. Yeah, like the copywriters on Mad Men.

Okay. What's our guy that we have met before from Mad Men? He's on Never Not Funny all the time. Oh, I don't think I've ever met anybody from Mad Men. Very nice man. Rich. Rich Summer. Rich Summer. Rich Summer. Very nice man. Rich. Rich Summer. Rich Summer.

Rich Summer. Very nice man. Very funny man. I think you'd be a Rich Summer type. Okay. And be Morris Morris. You don't have to play it up. See, that's the thing.

You don't play it up. Okay. It's not like, look out, y'all. Here comes Morris Morris. Hey, guys, remember encyclopedias. Call me crazy. I still have a nice set. That's my joke.

I think you just present that like that's your name. You don't play it up. Yeah. And it's just sticky. And it sounds good. You got the horn rim glasses. Do I need like a cardigan? Yeah.

Okay. Cardigan and don't go with a bow tie. That's too much. Oh, okay. I say a knit tie. Get yourself a nice knit tie. Get yourself a cardigan. Get yourself a nice knit tie. Get yourself a cardigan. Get yourself a slim pant.

And I think Morris Morris is in business. You know who I would use as an example would be Cyril from Archer. Okay. Sure. He seems like a – can I – okay. And I just don't know. I don't know if we're just saying this as a kind of an overall image makeover for me, but I don't know how this applies to my stand-up act.

Most of my jokes are about medical marijuana. I think they work. Yeah? Because I think you are presenting yourself. I'm like a libertine. No, you're like a hip, fun, cool guy. Okay. And your name's Morris Morris because Morris is a cool name.

Okay. I like the idea of the announcer going, here comes Morris! I like the excitement behind that. Hey, okay, can I just work on some, like, just kind of opening, not jokes but, like, greetings? Because I kind of feel like I should have, like, a signature. Sure, yeah.

Like a signature greeting. A catchphrase. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Hey guys, I'm here to crush some pussy is that is that in line i'm not sure if that is totally i don't know how it fits with the character but if it does if you do it a couple times and it doesn't fit with the character i'd dump the character okay keep the line because the line is too good that's the kind of that's the kind of opener yeah when you come on stage and you say, I know what you're thinking, it's like so-and-so had a baby with someone. Yeah.

You're trying to get on the audience's good side, make a really serious connection with the audience. And I think another way of saying that would be you're trying to crush the audience's pussy. Sure. Exactly. Yeah. I don't want them to think I'm trying to have sex with them. Like mentally. Yeah, I mean you're out there to crush puss as a metaphor.

You're seeing the pee as a – and I will say one thing. Can I say one thing about Morris Morris? Please. You're going to have to develop some Morris dancing material. Okay. At least something about a maypole. I am not comfortable dancing. No, material about Morris dancing.

Huh. What do you mean by that? It's like a medieval dance. Okay. You know, something about, oh, you know, when we, you know, like right after you're done Morris dancing, you're tired. Your doublet is soaked with sweat. You're going to go eat a weird bird because you're hungry.

And it's the Middle Ages. Can I try another opener? Yeah. Well, there's blood in my stool. Do you like that better? I know. I like crushing some puss better. Okay. Crushing puss. I don't like saying puss. I like crushing some puss better. Okay.

Crushing puss is... I don't like saying puss. I like saying pussy. Okay. That's a good opener. Puss makes me feel... Remember, what you're saying is that you're really powerful because pussy is very powerful. Right.

Exactly. And puss is just, you know, sweaty. Well, puss is... That's the way you call it, kitty cat. Sure. Can Morris Morris make... Can there be any kind of involvement in the show with Morris Day? Can we get him involved somehow? I would say don't get Morris Day involved.

No? I would say get Jerome involved. We need Jerome and we need that big ass mirror. The guy that holds the mirror for Morris Day in the movie Purple Rain. Do you think that I... Come on. Well, is that going to be a problem? Is Morris Day going to come to the show and heckle then?

Because I didn't ask him? Morris Day right now... I don't need that. Morris Day is on tour. Morris Day is getting that money opening for whatever, Earth, Wind & Fire, at county fairs. Sure. He is not sweating it. Him and Frankie Beverly are fucking counting their money.

Yeah. Okay. So he's not going to come to whatever dates I have and be pissed off that I didn't ask him? No. Okay. Look, that guy is fucking chilling out. He's got that bird money coming in. He's got that bird money.

He's got that jungle money. He's got that ice cream money. He's got that bird money coming in. He's got that jungle money. He's got that ice cream castle's money. He's got that ice cream castle's money. As long as we're talking about which famous musical Morris is to involve, do you think we can get one-time Black Flag League singer Keith Morris

in on this? I think you can, because I think Keith Morris is right now, he's looking at the money that Henry Rollins is bringing in, touring with his stand-up act. Yeah. Relative to how funny Henry Rollins is. And he's thinking to himself, I got to get in on this. Sure.

No offense to Henry Rollins, who's great, by the way. Sure. Just not that funny. No, absolutely not. Interesting. I mean, moderately. He's a pretty interesting guy. Yeah, absolutely.

I love listening to him talk. I can listen to him talk about the old DC days forever. Is he really doing stand-up? He does a thing that's like, it's spoken word, but it's supposed to be funny. Wow. It's better at being, it's a lot better at being interesting than it is funny. Absolutely. If you admire Henry Rollins, you will enjoy it.

If you don't, you will not enjoy it. Sure. But Henry Rollins is great overall. It is dependent on loving Henry Rollins, you will enjoy it. If you don't, you will not enjoy it. Sure. But, yeah, Henry Rollins is great overall. It is dependent on loving Henry Rollins. Okay. Going into it, it's not going to sway you. All right. It's sort of like the stand-up comedy that, like, you know,

the Million Dollar Man does or whatever. What's the professional wrestler? Is he Kiyosi? Yeah. Does he do stand-up? I don't know. I feel like there's a lot of... I'm all in on that. There's a lot of 80s professional wrestlers, like the Ultimate Wrestler or somebody.

No, Rowdy Roddy Piper is doing stand-up comedy. Yes, he is. That's who I'm thinking of. Yes, he does. It's sort of like Rowdy Roddy Piper. If you go see Rowdy Roddy Piper... It's kind of a career retrospective. Yeah.

It's a review. Along with stand-up comedy. Is he doing a review? Is that what it is? I don't think Rollins is doing a review. I don't think Rollins has a dance number. Okay, so I can get one-time Black Flag lead singer Keith Morris to do something. Yeah, but not Morris Day, but you should try and get Jerome if you've got the money.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, I do. I've got a budget for this. Worst case scenario, Wendy and Lisa. Okay. I think you can get someone. Who is loosely associated with Prince. Yeah.

Best case scenario, Apollonia. Focus on Apollonia. I shouldn't shoot for Sheila E. That's too ambitious. Sheila E. Here's the problem with Sheila E. I guess this also applies to Morris Day and Wendy and Lisa. Super, super talented.

So she's probably got like, here's the thing. If she had fallen on hard times, she could just start selling tom drums. Sure. She could sell a tom once a week to pay her bills, and she could pay her bills for 20 years just from her main stage kit. Yeah. So she's not sweating it. So you're saying that whoever I'm getting to join this act, which is becoming less and

less like stand-up comedy, it needs to be someone who is desperate in some way. Which would apply to Keith Morris because he formed a weird non-Black Flag, Black Flag tribute band that's just called Flag. I would say Get Sheila E's dad, Pete Escovedo. Okay. Latin music legend, Pete Escovedo. Okay. This is starting to sound...

I really hope I'm getting that name right. Did you guys see when Prince was on Fallon a couple weeks ago? No. No. I watched a performance. Yeah. I did too. Is that the one with his new all-lady band?

Yes. I was going to ask who was in that band. Just random people. Yeah. I don't know who any of those women are. It's all women. Yeah. Prince had a... I don't know if Prince... Prince has a habit of sort of

trading in his bands. Okay. And I don't know what's up with all lady bands. Are you suggesting that maybe he's difficult? Prince? No. I think Prince has a reputation for consistent behavior. Sure.

Like being... Consistently erratic. Thoughtful and predictable. Sure. Are probably the two words that most collaborators would use to describe Prince. So right now, so it's me. I'm in a cardigan and a knit tie. Yeah.

I go on stage. Nice slim pant. Don't forget that. Nice slim pant. Maybe a wingtip. Okay. I ask the audience... You slim pant. Don't forget that. Nice slim pant. Maybe a wingtip. Okay. I ask the audience. You could go with a simple sneaker.

You like a Vans. I'd say you could do that for a hipster's sake. Okay. I don't know. I don't like it when people are like Vans with slacks. Right? That looks dumb. Right?

Well, then don't. I'm not going to do it. Don't. Wear a nice wingtip. Yeah. So, okay. So I'm going on stage. I'm in this outfit.

I ask the audience. I tell them that I'm there to crush some puss. Yeah. So, okay. So I'm going on stage. I'm in this outfit. I ask the audience. I tell them that I'm there to crush some puss. Right. Some pussy. Pussy. Excuse me. I'm there to crush some pussy. Drum solo by Sheila E's dad.

He's playing congas. Oh, okay. He's on congas. Former black flag front man Keith Morris comes up and talks about his experience you know as a punk rock legend and then you close with Jerome

bring me my mirror 50 bucks a ticket this is a fucking this is a show this is a show this is like James Brown would travel with the James Brown review

absolutely Sheila E. is like your Ann Peebles you have a whole operation. This sounds like the Sinbad comedy summer jam. That's what I'm talking about, right? You are the new Sinbad. That's what you're headed to.

Wow, new Sinbad. Yeah, you feel about that. Who'd have thunk? It feels great. Bring in a sizzler. I mean, I've thought that to myself, but I've never been tough enough to say it out loud. I am the new Simbad. Bring in a sizzler.

Yeah. Do it in a sizzler. Wow. All you can eat shrimp, my friend. How many people can a sizzler seat? Enough. Yeah. That's right.

I mean, this is a small man. You're keeping this economical. You're focusing on, you got five core members of your group here. You got the guy who used to be the lead singer of Black Flag. You got Jerome from the time. You got Sheila E. Oh, she's it? I thought it was her dad.

Oh, Pete Escovedo. Yeah, Pete Escovedo. Dear God, I hope I'm getting his name right. That's it. Three. That's all. I already counted Jerome. You should add two more acts to this.

Okay. Do you know anybody with a dog act? I don't. Do you know any with a dog act? I don't. Do you know any dogs? Oh, hold on. What about Gallagher? We forgot Apollonia. Are we trying Apollonia as well?

Well, we can't just, we should just remake Purple Rain. That's what we should really do. It's about time. Let's do a low-budget remake of Purple Rain and just tell Apollonia we're doing it, but we don't tell anyone else. Isn't there an unshot or unreleased Prince movie called Kingdom Come? What is this? I haven't heard about this.

There is a movie. There are a few unreleased Prince. Well, here's the thing. Prince made innumerable videos, some of which were quite long, in the 80s that he never released. Because he had a studio at Paisley Park. And so he would just be like, today we're making a video for this song I just recorded. They make it. He just put it in the vault.

So there's that. Okay. There's Under the Cherry Moon, which I think maybe out of print is really difficult. But those are the follow-up to Purple Rain that was a catastrophic disaster. Right. So there's that. And then there's this movie that Kevin Smith made, a documentary that Kevin Smith made about Prince

that was filmed at, oh, God, when Rainbow Children came out. It was actually a very good later Prince album. And they had this thing called, I want to say it was called the Rainbow Celebration. I think that's right. I'm looking at Ricky, but he really only knows about Jerome. I know. I know about the Rainbow Children. I own that album.

There was a big thing then. At the time, there was a big Prince meeting. And it was famous because D'Angelo went to it. Questlove went to it. All these, D'Angelo went to it Questlove went to it Eric Abadou went to it all these people who admired Prince came to it and performed with him Nika Costa

so Nika Costa is just right there on the same level Nika Costa is pretty good actually but all these people went and performed with Prince and Kevin Smith got invited to come and make a documentary about this event. Sure. Great documentarian, Kevin Smith.

Well, I mean, apparently he's a huge Prince fan. Yeah. And more power to him. Prince is great. And so they made this documentary. And then at the end of making the documentary, Prince was like, great, thanks. And just took it from him, put it in the vault. Wow.

That's insane. Prince also videotapes all his shows and all his rehearsals. So he has been doing this since like 1981-ish. So maybe Prince fans are kind of excited for him to kick off because then whoever the duplicitous version that's in charge of the estate is will probably just release all this and get lots of money well in prince fans i mean prince fans are the only prince is the only guy in what might loosely be called black music blues brothers music we'll call it who has no jokes in it who really truly has that thing that like uh you know the bob dylan obsessives have or dead heads or dave matthew Band, because he records everything. He's crazy secretive and he's recording.

And at the peak of his career, he was recording, you know, six albums a year. And one of them would be like Morris Day in the time, very talented band, wrote some of their own great records. Basically, they're like second, third and fourth record are just Prince albums where Prince would record the whole album and then have Morris Day come in and sing over Prince's vocals. And Prince wouldn't even take all of his vocals out. Like he'd take out like two-thirds of his vocals. So you can still sometimes hear Prince singing underneath Morris Day's vocal. Absolutely. The time are like, hey, we're a good-ass fucking band.

How come this album is just Prince playing every instrument? And Prince is like, I don't know. I made seven albums this year, and they won't let me put out seven albums. Yeah, that's – I have – if you go back and listen to the Morris Day albums, you listen to Sheila E's early albums. You can hear – you can literally hear Prince singing background vocals on all those. Yeah, and then – They're great. So he's making Prince albums, Vanity albums, Apollonia albums.

Vanity. He's making Morris Day albums. This is the So he's making Prince albums, Vanity albums, Apollonia albums. He's making Morris Day albums. This is the piece. He's making, then he has to make shit up. He had this band called The Family that was just him, but not singing. Like this is for his instrumental projects. Like Prince was insane at the height of his career. And so there's people who, and many of this, much of this stuff didn't come out, including much of the best stuff.

So there's obsessives about this stuff who have huge, like if you go to, if you want to go with me, you and me can go over to Questlove's house. That guy has like, I don't know, 400 hours of Prince videos and, you know, 500 Prince bootleg albums. Wow. So in my new career, should I start planning vanity projects? You mean projects for vanity? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, I say take that Gallagher 2 model and expand it to vanity from Vanity 6. Okay. And you write material for vanity and she goes out and does it on the road. She's still probably a beautiful woman. And she gets up there and says, well, I'm here to crush some puss. We'll be like, she's good. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ricky Carmona, Dark Gable. It is an auspicious day here on Jordan Jesse Goh because it marks the return in person for the first time in many, many years of one of the great heroes of our program. Ladies and gentlemen, Earthquake. of our program. Ladies and gentlemen, Earthquake.

Earthquake comes out to Paul Simon's house. Then he just goes, then he just goes, Paul Simon be singing like this. Black people be singing like this. Paul Simon be singing like this. Art Garfunkel be singing like this. Black people be singing like this. Paul Simon be singing like this. Art Garfuck will be singing like this. He has a whole black guy, white guy routine about Simon and Garfuck.

Oh, my God. I want to see Earthquake now. Ladies and gentlemen, the Aftershocks. Those are his dancers. Oh, excellent. Oh, wow. We have one of our most beloved guests here ever. He's here in town to help with today's softball practice.

He's really, he was, God bless him for being at the softball practice. He is good at softball. None of the rest of us are good at softball. So it was a real joy to have him here. No, he's just visiting in town for the first time in a couple years. So we're so happy to have him here. Jim Reyal, the master of Would You Rather. Jim, it's so good to have you on the program.

Guys, I am trembling with powerful excitement right now. You also forgot to take your anti-tremor medication. That's true. And you are scared from watching the movie Tremors. It's so scary. It's really scary. They come right up from underneath you. It's a scary movie. I would say in terms of scary movies, it's right up there with's really scary. They come right up from underneath you. It's a scary movie.

I would say in terms of scary movies, it's right up there with Scary Movie 5. Yeah, you said it. In terms of scariness. So, Ricky, this is how Would You Rather works. Jim Rayall is the master of Would You Rather. So he'll be presenting a set of two choices to us. They may be related. They may seem unrelated.

We'll have to choose which of them we prefer. It's a segment you will hear on no other podcast. I was going to say, I've never heard this on another podcast before. I know.

Well, it's very rare to podcast. Since we started doing it 12 years ago, some other podcasts have started doing it. Most. Most do it. And because Jim, and we can then-

I think Jim is our trump card, though. Yeah. I feel like- Jim, because there's only one master of Would You Rather. Yeah. Some assholes can take Would You Rathers off Twitter. Yeah. Sure.

Whatever. Yeah. You know who's not doing that? Us. Yeah. No, we got a master in here. So, number one is, he's going to present us two choices. We're going to have to choose which path to go down.

Brian and Aaron, I'm sorry I called you guys assholes. That's number one. Number two, he's the master of would you rather. What does that mean? That means that not only will it be a compelling question, also we can ask him points of clarification if we like because, you know, there may be more information that we need. And furthermore, after we've all made our selection, he'll tell us whether we're right or wrong.

I'm on board. Jim, are you ready to do this? I'm so ready. Okay. Fantastic. Let's hear it. Today's Would You Rather. Would you rather live remotely in an off-the-grid New Mexican-style earthship or live in the city as a loked-out bro?

Oh, wow. You know what? First point of clarification, I don't know what loked-out means. Loked-out means a local bro. Sure. So your local customs, local traditions. Oh, so not like loked out like early 90s. That's what I thought. That's what I thought.

Yeah, when I heard loked out, I was like, oh, this is like some G unit type shit. But like pre-G unit, like New Jack City type situation is what I was thinking. New Jack City type situation is what I was thinking. Right. Something involving long cornrows in a hockey jersey and dating girls with black lip liner. I mean lip outliner. Excuse me. So this is like a dude who hates the college kids in town. Definitely.

And doesn't like it when his bar got closed for the new gastropub or something. Right, right. Okay. Right. Can I say one more thing about Loked Out? Sure. Today, Cholo Dads is a popular topic of conversation on our program. This morning, I was having brunch with my friend Jim at one of my favorite restaurants in Los Angeles, La Abeja,

a.k.a. Mexican Three Stooges, because it has a mural of the Three Stooges on its outside wall, but they're Latino. In the mural, they appear to be Latino. It may just be one of those things where just like, you know, they say all black people look the same to white people. Like it could have just been a Latino guy that only knew how to drew Latino looking guys. And so it just ended up halfway between a Latino and the Three Stooges and Moe, Larry, and Curly. But anyway, La Beja. Wonderful restaurant. Just a joy

to go there every day. Right, Jim? Delicious food. I had really great chorizo. Cholo Dad sitting... It is a shame that people poke you in the eyes, though. I'm willing to look past that. I get a good yuck out of that. So, in the next booth. To be fair, you guys shouldn't have been painting that mansion for that dowager.

There is this Cholo dad who is so ice cold. So let me describe this dude to you. Number one, he's 45-ish, I would say. He's got thinning hair hair but it is combed straight back and it's short so it's short but it's slicked back which is a true Cholo style you know like

with a sort of a widow's peak like you could this dude probably wears a hairnet whenever he's not out to a meal with his family he's got like a combination of terrifying and Aztec tattoos all the way up his arms. And he has a really, really serious fucking,

like he is mad dogging the world. He is out to brunch with his wife and two or three children. And this is the mad dogging this mad dog face i've ever seen on anyone ever so that's the context for this dude but the thing that makes a cholo dad magical of course is the creativity and facial hair and if you imagine like have you seen the mascot for lowrider magazine yes the pachuco mascot for lowrider magazine you know know the mustache he has. It's like a brush mustache where it's straight across the bottom and then rounded up to the top, right? It looks like a whisk broom. You know what I'm talking about?

You know what I'm talking about, right? Exactly. I think maybe the Lowrider mascot might have a pointy mustache, but that's beside the point. The point is- As a kid, there was this woman who worked at my dad's office who gifted me a bunch of Lowrider magazines as a very young kid. And that's why you're still into cholas to this day. I was going to say, I feel like it really informed my tasted women. You can't reach orgasm unless the woman is wearing hoop earrings.

Sure, sure. A Tweety Bird tattoo would be nice. Unless there's a car with calligraphy on the hood somewhere nearby. Right. So, okay. So just imagine that, if you will, imagine that mustache. It's like, it's like Nick Offerman on Parks and Recreation, straight across on the bottom, but like perfectly rounded across the top. So it's like an arc, like a perfect, beautiful arc around the top. And, you know, black as night, you know, and very full. So it looks, you know, it's just super distinctive.

Now, imagine that mustache. That's our starting point. Now, you know how in like a Photoshop or something like that, you can click on the corner of something and stretch it out? You know what I'm talking about? So it stays the same. It just changes size and proportion. Right.

It doesn't get out of whack. It just changes. So imagine that it's anchored to his upper lip, okay? And it's just straight across the top of his upper lip. You know what I mean? It's locked in there. But then you take Photoshop and you drag it out and down until it hits his chin, where his chin starts. So over his mouth to the outside of his, just to right here, just where his soul patch is.

But his facial hair is dense enough that it's like a perfect mustache. It's like a double-sized mustache that goes over his mouth. I wish I would have been more attentive at our brunch today. You can imagine what I'm talking about, right? Just take a regular mustache and make it 1.5 or 1.7 times the size so that it covers, so that it continues over the mouth. And so the straight bottom that would be over your upper lip is actually half an inch or three-quarters of an inch below the lower lip, and it arcs around the mouth and makes a perfect mustache shape but over the mouth. He's got a grill, but it's a mustache grill.

It's like a mustache grill. So when his mouth is closed, it's as though instead of having a mouth, he has a mustache. He has a mustache. Like a giant mustache. Wow, that's impressive. It was amazing and all i could do is i'm just looking at this dude and i'm thinking jesse note to self do not fuck with this dude no matter what happens how many do not fuck with how many dodger logos did

he have on him at the time this guy i mean this guy probably this guy probably had a tattoo of like llama lynchay the aztec the famous aztec maiden fucking flexing her bicep and it's got a dodger's tattoo on his tattoos have dodger tattoos that's how serious sure that's how serious this dude was this was the scariest 45 year old man i've seen in my entire life. And you know the dude is scary because it's like he had the mustache of a cartoon character. He looked like his mustache was no less exaggerated than that of Yosemite Sam. Was he more or less terrifying than Reba McIntyre's husband from Tremors? Was he more or less terrifying than Reba McIntyre's husband from Tremors. Is he more or less terrifying than Reba McIntyre? Yeah, well, Reba can strike fear into your heart.

When Reba starts mad-dogging, usually she's got those pearly whites out. She's charming you to death on her hit show Malibu Country, which I watched an episode of because Lily Tomlin's in it and Lily Tomlin's on the show. It is a terrible show, but Reba McEntire's great. I had no idea how great Reba is. She killed a bunch of guys in prison, right?

Yeah. She did. Yeah, you're shaking them. Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. Thank you. That's what I was picturing when you said loked out. Okay, so the key to the loked out bro is that you may be in a different city.

You may have a different loked out look to your bro. Yeah. Jesse was describing one loked out bro. Sure. So we are regionally appropriate. Can we choose our region in this situation? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean it depends on where you live, Jordan. Oh, okay. So I'm a loked out bro from here. Yeah. Okay. Or would it be where I grew up? It depends on where you're going to be living. But there's different looked out bros.

I mean, you have a menagerie of bros in any locality. When you say a looked out bro, do you mean specifically a bro? Which is to say the regional version of a bro. In my mind, a bro wears khaki cargo shirts. Bro wears khaki cargo shirts. He has a cotton baseball cap on backwards that maybe says Cox for the game Cox of a certain college that I don't remember what it is. He's maybe – you know what I mean? He likes – he really – he's really into beer with his buds. Right.

That's the bro I feel that exists now. Like a white guy from a beer commercial is what I'm describing. Well, that's one variety of current bro. Okay. The bro that I grew up knowing or that I am familiar with is Chicago bro.

It's kind of similar. It'd be almost like a Chicago version of a cholo where everything ends with bro just like a lot of things end with fucker. What's up, fucker? Everything's bro. So bro, or do. What of things end with fucker. What's up, fucker? Everything's bro.

What's up, bro? Or do. What are we doing later, dude? Is it that kind of bro? Does it matter where I'm from? Are all bros white? In my imagination, all bros are white. These bros that I know, these bros are not all.

They are all Latino. Yeah, they're usually white or Latino. Those would be the bros that we're talking about. Now, one category of bro that's being left out here is the flat-rim baseball cap, askew, tall, white tube socks. Sure. You know? Right. Yeah.

So it's just – that's another example. There's – Okay. You could – So let's talk about this off-the-grid New Mexico starship. Does this exist? Earthship. Earthship, Jordan.

Earthship? What's an Earthship? That's like a home – Is everyone familiar? No. Describe what an Earthship is. Okay. So an Earthship is –

I thought this was a Deep Space Nine situation. Well, it doesn't – We were in like a – Would you rather be a Ferengi? Well, the Earth ship does look very much like it's out of a fantasy novel. It looks kind of ridiculous, but also beautiful. So this is an actual structure that it's like a hobbit hole, I'm imagining? It's this actual thing that people build and particularly a company out of New Mexico

builds and they're these houses which are made out of natural or recycled materials and they're passive homes so they're not powered by external energy from fossil fuels or stuff like that. So they

get the energy from solar and from wind power and they have walls that are made out of like tires and dirt and cans and bottles. And they're structured in such a way so they can take advantage of the sun in a particular angle. This kind of sounds like the art house that I stayed in a few months back. Right. I stayed in an art house that had walls made out of liquor bottles and solar panels. It also had dildo sculptures. It sounds like there's a similarity.

So just to clarify then, because earlier you said Earthship. It's not a ship. It's not a spaceship. That's what I was thinking in my mind. This is an actual – No, because a spaceship goes into space. An Earthship is built into the Earth. It's built into –

It's part of your journey of connecting with the world around you. And there is a New Mexico involvement? I heard you earlier also mention... Well, apparently the company that is, I guess, producing these or selling these is this company that's based in New Mexico.

And they've... Earth ship is their name. So it'll have like a Santa Fe decor vibe to it. a lot of turquoise. It's definitely like – it definitely looks desert-y. Okay. Am I forced to live in New Mexico or is this an Earthship that can come to me wherever I am if I want to have it in Los Angeles? So the point here is that you are in a remote location. You are off the grid.

Most likely desert. We're in California here. You're probably going to be in the desert somewhere. Indio, maybe. Yeah, maybe Indio. How off the grid am I? Nobody knows where I am, but I'm still in contact with what's happening with the outside world. People know where you are. You have

a loose address. You have internet? You could have the internet, but it'd be extremely difficult. I don't see that happening. Maybe you're like- Satellite internet? It's possible.

Solar powered? Bicycle powered. Web TV. Bicycle powered. Boy. I'm in New Mexico. Do you want me to exercise while I jack off? They kind of go hand in hand.

Yeah. How much would you have to pedal for a five minute porno clip? I guess I want to know about the wattage generated by this. You could make it happen with your erotic pedaling and with your solar power and with whatever wind you're harnessing. You could make that happen. Would I get to keep my same wife or would I be married to a doula, for example? Or maybe a reiki practitioner.

You're married to your same wife. If she prefers, you know, if she wants to come with you. She has to agree to this lifestyle, though. Yeah. She's not being forced into it. Can I ask you about this local bro thing? Is it a roll of the dice? So I could end up

a Wisconsin cheesehead. I could end up like a locals only surfer dude. Or do you get to choose the closest bro to your personality? No, you could end up like a Virginia frat guy. No, it has to be particular to your locality. So here in Los Angeles, or if you were in San Francisco, you know. So here in Los Angeles, or if you were in San Francisco, you know, so a local bro to your zone, and you can choose which bro you want to be, but it's going to, any way you slice it, it's going to be a bit demeaning for you. I think I would prefer to be a Latino metalhead, which is think, a form of local bro here,

than to be a locals-only surfer dude, which is another form of local bro here in Los Angeles. Now, in my neighborhood, I will say there's a lot more Latino metalheads than there are locals-only surfer dudes. So it depends how local we're talking about. If I was a Latino metalhead, I would have a majestic mane of hair

and a lot of Slayer t-shirts. You may not be able to pull that off, given your genetic... So I would still be balding, even if I was a Latino metalhead? Wow. All the tattoos. You can do it. A tear tattoo.

Yeah. Latino metalhead doesn't have a tear tattoo. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. I get my own people. Avasto has a tear tattoo. There you go.

There you go. I think I'm ready to answer. Okay. I'm going to go with bro because I think if I'm being real, my lifestyle probably will not change that much. Probably. Yeah. So I don't think it's not that far off uh i don't think

i don't think i'll you know maybe maybe i would have to like stop giving to npr or something like that uh but uh yeah i think local bro uh i think you know if you get over it it's probably pretty fun drinking some beers with the guys. Crushing some pussy. Which, as we've established, is an interest of mine. Yeah, I think I'm going to go local bro. I don't think I could ever live off the grid. I mean, one thing I think about a local bro

is that while a local bro might not be respecting their environment, their context, other people, the world, the way that you might like them to, while they may have a net negative effect, their inherent blitheness and solipsism, I think, makes it so that they are having a pretty good time. Yeah. Right? That's why they do it because they're on a team with having a pretty good time. Yeah. Right? That's why they do it because they're on a team with their other local bros. Yeah, because you don't give a fuck, right?

Yeah, that's what makes you do that. I guess I'm – do you give a fuck in this situation? You don't give a fucking – All right. Yeah, local bro. Don't give a fuck, bro. Yeah. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. That's – Smoke them if you got them, guys. Okay. Sorry. Sorry hold on. Jim has a point of clarification here. Smoke a Miffy Atom, guys. Okay, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Okay, so the image that you portray is I don't give a fuck. But you are Jordan. Yeah. So, you know, you're going to, however well you can play that character. You would have to develop shamelessness within yourself because externally you're going to be living in a shamelessly bro fashion. Sure. Okay, so I have to mentally adapt. Yes. Yeah, your brain isn't going to flip a switch

and you'll be, you know, just Jordan the bro cool with it. You'll still be like, man, I wish I could watch some Mr. Show right now. Yeah. Fuck it, Tosh. Well, Tosh. At least I can still watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That's what you'll see here. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Please. No, no. You guys can weigh in. Jordan's cast is a lot. I've made my decision as well. I made my decision as soon as I heard the choices. I am going for off-the-grid Earthship all the way.

I always like the idea of whenever I hear somebody's off-the-grid, I'm like, ooh, they figured it out. What'd they do? How'd they make it happen? And I don't like the bro aspect for the last reason we were talking here, which is I don't think bros have a very big fan base. I know a lot of people are like, oh, man, I love hanging out with bros. I mean, we'll say that like I love hanging out with my boys, but bros and if I have my – I should mention I do love hanging out with your boys. but bros, and if I have my... I should mention, I do love hanging out with your boys. They're growing up so fast.

All right, they're bigger than me. Ten-year-old and a six-year-old. Morris and Morris. Morris and Morris. The twins. I don't want to have to learn

how to like bros. I don't want to have to prove myself. Oh, I forgot it's about the music. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, I forgot it's about the music. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, Jordan, I got you this sublime discography.

No. Yeah. Hoisted by my own petard. I don't know, Jordan. You have a deep-seated fondness for pop punk that will serve you well in this context. Yeah, I guess I could just listen to Bad Religion. That's stretching it. That's like the far... That's about as far as I'll go into that. guess I could just listen to Bad Religion, but That's stretching it. That's like the far... That's about as far as

I'll go into that. Can I tell you something about Bad Religion? I feel like all, when you think of Pop Puck, you just think Sum 41. That it's all as bad as that. Bad Religion is about as far over as I will go into that. So that's your challenge. I was at the Trader Joe's. I haven't seen them

this year. I was at Trader Joe's, and this guy is talking to the checkout guy. And he's telling him, the checkout guy's telling him, they're talking about shows they've been to lately. And he says, oh, you know, I went to an awesome show. I went to see Bad Religion. And they're like, oh, yeah, I love Bad Religion. It was a really great show. I saw that show, too. And this woman, I'm going to say 45-year-old white lady,

she chimes in. She says, hey, Bad Religion. I know them. What was their big hit? And the guy goes, uh. And he just says the name of a bad religion song. Bad religion never had any hit records, right? They did some radio hits.

Radio hits? Like, you know, 21st Century Digital Boys, big one. I remember that from middle school. Yeah. So he says- Infected. He's trying to say bad religion songs. This woman, I don't know if she – I think she was thinking of Adele. So she goes, yeah, bad religion.

I like them. And then she goes, where do you hear about new music? You get that? Where do you hear about music? You get your music taste from your parents? And the guy said, I guess just radio airplay. Radio airplay.

And she goes, yeah, yeah. She goes, who's this? Who's this playing right now? Who is this right now? Probably the Beatles. And the guy goes,

jeez, I got to tell you, I don't know. Sorry. And this guy feels so bad because he works there. And this woman is leading him down this horrible path. And she goes, This right now? Doobie Brothers. Now that's a great band, Doobie Brothers.

Again, one of those great One of those great LA hardcore bands That grew up Got some chops Oh boy It was a Amazing Okay so you're in

For the Earthship I'm in for the Earthship I like the I don't know what it is That intrigues me Just about the New Mexico aspect of it. I really am all that. Do I have access? I know I asked you if I have access to the internet.

Do I at least, since I'm in New Mexico, can I watch Breaking Bad episodes? Yeah, sure. It's going on all around you. Well, no, you're off the grid, so you're not in the seedy suburbs. You have access to a lot of stars. They just don't have access to me. What about the television network stars? Yeah, can I watch Kelsey Grammer's Boss?

Yeah, how many times can I watch Seasons of Boss? Get on your bike. So that's an easy call for you, really? Easy call, absolutely. You're going full macrobiotic. You're eating nothing but live foods. I'll figure it out. Oh, yeah.

Do I have some kind of storage unit when I get there of food that's already set up for me? Oh, no. That's on you. You bring in food. One aspect of these Earth ships is that there are gardens built into the infrastructure of the house. They've got some cycle that they're working on there. You know what I bet a modern bro listens to? It's probably all fucking dance music now, right?

It's all like Skrillex. It's EDM. It's Skrillex. Fuck! That's worse than Sublime. I don't know. I don't think it's worse than Sublime. It's a fine line.

I can't imagine anything worse than Sublime. We can both agree that it's a fine line. Oh can't imagine anything worse than sublime. It's a fine line. Sorry, guys. Go ahead. Do I have to deal with any kind of compost type thing? Am I going to have to... You're going to rely on some composting. All of your waste is

going to be exiting the house in some sort of net positive way where you can use your wastewater. Are we going to be shitting on our vegetables sort of like net positive way where you can use, you know, your wastewater. Are we going to be shitting on our vegetables? Yeah. I don't want to do that. No,

you're going to, you're going to be shitting on your non-edible plants. Okay. Okay. So you will be, like the flower guy. You will be spreading fertilizing material. Mm-hmm.

You know, it's all, it's all worked out in this harmonious way, but it's not, you know, it's not like you, it's not easy. Right.

Can I have a maid or a butler to do all that shit? If you can convince them. I think eco-butlers is a business we can go into. We're in Southern California. There's tons of rich assholes who need cover to prove to themselves that they're not living an exploitative life. All they want is someone to eco-but them. Yeah. In their primitive life, all they want is someone to eco-butt them.

Yeah. As long as the eco-buttlers are that kind of light shade of brown that kind of infers that something is organic. Yeah, like a Nutella type of color? Yeah, sure. Like a Ricky Carmona-esque color? Sure. A little cocoa caramel brown? Yeah.

I like that. If I can get an eco-butler, yeah, I am in. Where do you get the money for an eco-butler? We're off the grid. We don't have to worry about money. That's not an issue, correct? You're growing all your own foods? You are growing some of your food. Can I join Amazon Prime?

You still have a car. You're not living in a Siberian outpost. What kind of car? A Nissan Leaf? It's possible. Oh, you know what I got? I got a biodiesel Mercedes. Probably.

More likely. Yeah. I'll take a Mercedes. I've never owned a Mercedes before. I'm in. This is busted up. I'm really having problems with this. It's a tough one.

This is a really hard one because you know, Jordan, you and I have known each other for a long time. I mean, what the fuck kind of bro could I be? I don't know. It's tough. Really, like what kind of bro could I – like if I – I don't drink, so I can't be a sports radio bro. Sure.

That's the closest I could be would be a sports radio bro. I – oh, jeez. I oh jeez I mean I guess I guess if it came to it I could be a bro who has already hit rock bottom and is now like a sober guy but you'd have to talk a lot about your sobriety a recovering bro yeah I could probably

switch my lifestyle around so from time to time I blazed some ganja and were I to do that around, so from time to time I blazed some ganja. And were I to do that, I could potentially become like a street wear urban bro. Sure. Like a flat brim baseball cap type bro. I don't know how to skateboard.

I do not want to learn how to skateboard, though. Maybe I could just do razor scooter tricks. I mean, that's what the kids are into, right? Yeah. It's really tough. You know, like a collectible T-shirt, art toy, listens to Odd Future. Is that something accessible to me? I don't think that bro exists.

That kind of sounds like a hipster. No, it's not just a hipster because hipsters are pitchforkier. We're talking about a complex magazine reader. Okay. All right. The ultimate guy's guide to buying stuff. Jesse, just think about the bros that you don't feel so comfortable with, and that will be you.

It's going to be sublime bros. It's going to be sublime bros. So this is a monkey's paw situation. This is a, where you are your own worst nightmare. Yeah, I really can't imagine anything worse than hang out with people that like sublime, who also like music.

Like people for whom music is important who like Sublime. Like I can imagine hanging out with like a 15-year-old girl who doesn't understand what music is yet and she likes Sublime. Or even like a college, person in college who doesn't care about music at all, but they're like, ah, I like Sublime. I don't know. Like that kind of person. Like remember, Jim, how you used to like Dave Matthews' band? Well, Jesse, yes, I do.

You like a lot of very credible music acts as well. And Carter Beaufort, one of the best drummers on the planet. And you're a drummer yourself, you admire his drumming, I understand that. I gotta say, shit, but on the other hand, it's hot in fucking New Mexico, even if you're under all that Adobe. Yeah. You don't have to be in New Mexico, but-

Don't. But you've got to be off the grid. Yeah. Could I be like, do I get to choose where? Could I be off the grid in Northern California or Southern Oregon or something like that? Well, it depends on how close you want to be to LA. There's a lot of desert around here. I could be in Indio and I could commute into podcast if I could find enough French fry oil to power my car.

Shit. This is a brutal one for me, Jim. It's tough. Jim, this is a really hard one for me. It makes me really happy. But I'm going to go with the- I mean, you've done some planning in your downtime. I mean, this is not a sad Keith Morris black flag cash-in.

This is like you're back with a vengeance. I'm bringing the tremblers here. I'm telling you. I came rolling into town. Look out, Kevin Bacon. Fuck me. Here come the tremblers. Never mind.

Okay, look. At the end of the day, I grew up in San Francisco. Really? First I've heard of it. Spent some time in Santa Cruz. Ladies and gentlemen, the AV Club comments. There's some A-plus bros in Santa Cruz. There are, but there's also some people who really know how to turn their compost.

Very true. Spend a fair amount of time in a Berkeley. I understand about how there's a part of me that's sort of into the idea of having my own garden and fucking vote. I'll tell you i went to visit my sister-in-law who's a wonderful young woman and she and her husband like to go rock climbing together and she's an elementary school art teacher and they live in the backyard of the house of actually the founder of this this non-profit i used to work for the trust for public land it's it's rich guy version of this but you know fucking the whole night you know chickens organic garden they live in like a thing that looks like a miniature ski chalet in the backyard

um of the rich guy's house etc etc and i when i was there i was like this looks this is kind of cool like i kind of want to live in one room. It's alluring. And bro-ing out is just anathema to me. I cannot imagine a bro situation that I could even make myself comfortable with. I'm not even comfortable disliking living in Los Angeles six years later, like being opposed to bro-iness in LA. So I got to go with the Earthship. It was a hard pick, but I'm going Ricky Carmona. So that's two votes for Earthship.

Boom. Wow. And one vote for bro. Wow. Wow. Okay. All right. All the votes are in.

Okay. Well. Everyone at home has made their selection by now, I hope. They've all texted to 1-800-WOULD-YOU-RATHER. 1-900-WOULD-YOU-RATHER. Oh, sorry. Yeah, so long-distance texting rates may apply. This is a fascinating would-you-rather, and I'm sad that it's coming to an end, but it is.

Here it is, the correct answer for today's would-you-rather. Local bro. Girl! What? Local bro. Although, What? Local bro. Although, you know, I was going back on it at the end, too. So I can't celebrate too much. Yeah, this is a stunning historical.

I used to be unbeatable. I know. Jordan's got you today. I've lost the last two. Jordan's got you. What? Tell me why. All right. Yeah.

Okay, well. I've officially achieved lovable loser status. What? Tell me why. All right, yeah. Okay, well. I officially achieved lovable loser status. Well, Earthship is very, you know, it has a romantic, kind of alluring appeal, you know, to just break away from the life of the city. Yeah. But even as a local bro, and it is, you know, maybe a little soul crushing, but you can still be in the city.

soul crushing, but you can still be in the city and you can continue on with a social and a work life that you're used to. So, you know, you'll get used to it. I don't have to start fucking cheap is what you're saying. No. Do I have to start fucking cheap in the other one? But you will have a flat-billed cap. Can I fuck a sheep? Flat-billed cap.

Wow. That is brutal. Well, Jim, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. That was really good. That was rather. Well done. Thank you so much for having me here. I love every moment of it.

Jim, will you stick around for momentous occasions? Love to. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Homosexual Brian Sotheby. And I'm Erin Gibson. And we host a show on MaxFun called Throwing Shade. Here's what we do. Okay. It's amazing.

Well, I wanted to say it. Oh, I wanted to say it. Well, let me go. Okay. It's about a gay man. And a gay woman. Oh, well, you're not gay. Oh, a we do. Okay. It's amazing. I wanted to say it. Oh, I wanted to say it. Well, let me go. Okay. It's about a gay man. And a gay woman. Oh, well, you're not gay. Oh, a straight woman.

Yeah. I forget. And we go through women and gay issues and treat them with much less respect than they deserve. And I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes we drink and we do it. But it's always fun. It's always informative.

It's very informal. And you can wear boxers or briefs. Subscribe for free in iTunes, or go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ricky Carmona, dirt gable. Jim Royale, master of Would You Rather.

Okay, so every week on our program, we take your momentous occasions. When something momentous happens to you, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN, or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Of course, we want you to keep it punchy, keep it pithy. Before we go to the calls, I will say Jim and I were headed to softball practice today, and we had a momentous occasion of our own. Glorious. It was amazing.

Driving past, we're on Figueroa Boulevard in Highland Park, California, driving past a fire station. Jim, I feel like you could describe what we saw. Yeah, so we were pulling up to a stoplight and our attention is drawn to the left, beautiful sunny day, and we see this single file line of uniformed men just charging out of the, not charging, at a nice gate coming out of the fire station. Like a jog march. It looked like they were doing a drill. Like they were going,

they weren't moving their mouths, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup. Like, they weren't moving their mouths, but it had that feeling to it. You know, like, you know when they do the little run, like a little joggy run, like, we're all in this together. That's like a canter. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, exactly, like a canter. If you're familiar with your equestrian terminology. Not equine. That's sort of some sort of Jewish religious man. One time, a friend of our videographer, Ben Harrison, was working at a recording studio in Oakland and E40 was in for a session. Had a two-hour session. Went in and just ate food for an hour and 40 minutes. Then came out, said to Ben's friend, hey, you're white.

What does equestrian mean and then he said mmhmm mmhmm they told him we're having to do with horses and then he said okay

went in wrote a verse in 10 minutes dropped it in the last 10 minutes of the session and left and the verse

was about horses and equestrian okay I'm so sorry. He just went to a rhyming dictionary. We look to our left and we see, you know, firehouse, traditional brick firehouse, line of guys in firehouse pants, firehouse t-shirts. I'd say eight guys running in a formation. Even more. Even more.

Yeah, maybe ten. Headed towards the corner and around the corner. And Jim and I are fascinated by this because, you know, our hearts are with first responders right now. You know, like when there's a horrible disaster, my aunt and uncle, we're at the Pentagon and 9-11. I'm always thinking of firefighters because of that situation with the fertilizer plant. I was thinking of those volunteer firefighters.

And so I was, I really was like, I wanted to salute them. firefighters. And so I was, I really was like, I wanted to salute them for, and we're like, they must be, they must take their off time to do calisthenics and exercise because they're so committed to keeping my community safe. Um, it was so beautiful. Like I was, I was like, I really wanted to salute them. I'm not a member of the military or the fire department, so I'm not qualified to, but I just want to be like great work guys and we pull forward out of the stoplight and their head they're snaking around the corner we think they're running around the block like you would in gym class right around the corner literally less than 60 feet from the firehouse. Oh, 25 feet at most from the firehouse. They're just having a barbecue.

They were all just running to pick up their lunch. I was thinking of my most delightful the thing that would delight me the most that they would all be running into and it would be just a little building with a big neon sign that said gay bar. Those guys are going to party. Let's go to the tape. a little building with a big neon sign that said gay bar. Okay.

Those guys are going to party. Let's go to the tape. Hello, show. I was just listening to the Nate DeMille episode. I heard you talking about Rip Rapson, who actually used to be my boss when I worked in the University of Minnesota at an urban planning institute.

That's not important, but what's more germane to your show, he used to be known as the boy mayor when he was second command to the mayor of Minneapolis. Take care. This Rip Rapson sounds like a winner. For you guys, last week on the show, someone called in

with a momentous occasion saying that someone was speaking at their college with a hilarious name, Rip Rapson. So I guess this is, he's like a, you know, he's kind of a big shot. He's a big shot philanthropist. He's the head of the Kresge Foundation, the foundation that funded Kresge College at the University of California at Santa Cruz, among many other higher education places.

Many colleges have something named Kresge Hall because of the Kresge Foundation. So, hey, great work, Rip Rapson. Yeah. Chip Dipson, Dip Dobson, let's hear about your good works. Yeah, right? What were you the boy mayor of? Giving out chancletas to Dominican teens or something. Let's get on this.

Okay, next call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and illustrious guests. This is Joey calling in from Concord, California, with a momentous occasion. I just did my first open mic. This was a singing open mic, not a comedy open mic. But I've been wanting to do it for a very long time, and I finally did it.

And despite my abject terror, I did not shit myself, and I actually did pretty well. It was awesome. People thanked me and said I sang great, so I'm fucking thrilled. Thanks. What do you think his song was? I don't know. Let's see.

I think Edelweiss from The Sound of Music. That's a good one. That's a good one, yeah. Every morning you greet me. It's either that or 76 Trombones. Soft. What if it was a medley? Soft and quiet, 76 trombones led the big parade. That's pretty good.

Yeah, singing open mic, huh? I guess I've never been to a non-comedy open mic where there was just a lot of stuff going on. I was all proud of the guy. I was like, oh, good for you. And then as soon as he said singing open mic I was like oh who gives a shit. I checked out right away. Is that singing without accompaniment? Yeah it's acapella

singing. You go up to a microphone and just sing. Do a lot of boys to men. I think no matter what I would have killed it. I think we just heard evidence that I would kill a solo acapella with my heart rending version. And when you get to my songs from Mother Courage and Her Children by Brecht and Vile.

I think, yeah, I mean, you clearly don't need to do open mics. You can go right to like booked paid shows, I think. Right. If you want me, I'll get, I'm just, do you mind just as an advertisement? Stop all the troops, it's mother courage. Hey, captains, let them come and buy. For they can, see? $100 a gig, local.

Plus travel expenses. Plus travel, incidentals, and a per diem. I do require a per diem even locally. Sure. My per diem is $200 By the way Yeah It's $100 for the gig

$200 per diem That's just so I can get You know Whatever I need For cakes High quality sushi Yeah Canapes

Just whatever Sure Before the show And for a road gig I'm going to say $3,000 I do do weddings I do not do Bar and bat mitzvahs because of my anti-Semitism. I do do bar and bat mitzvahs, but only for children over the age of 18.

So you may not have a sophisticated understanding of Jewish tradition. However, it's a fair price, right? Three grand? You get that? It's reasonable. Those powerhouse pipes? Sure. Yeah.

Absolutely. I'm actually thinking about replacing the organ at the Castro Theater in San Francisco that they say needs recommissioning, the legendary theater organ. I think San Francisco, open your golden gates. Yeah, that sounds like a drop-in replacement. Boom. Just fucking drop me in there. Probably nobody will ever notice. Like Seal Team Six.

Sure. They call you Kill Shot Thorn. For my effectiveness with the heart-rending songs, Edelweiss, 76 Trombones. I actually do all of the music, man. From Mary and the Librarian to – oh, you got trouble. Sure. Where? Right here in San Francisco's Castro Theater.

Ida Rose, I'm home. I don't mean to do your act. Jordan, what are you, Gallagher too? I'm hoping. That's what I'm hoping to do is just coast off this. So if you – Can I get a commission? Sure, yeah.

It can be a franchise thing for you. 20%. I want 20% off the top. 20% of the gross, not the net. Okay. Because I know how much money you spend when you're on the road. That's true. I rage.

No, I'm saving the per diem. I'm bringing a sandwich. When this guy goes into a gas station, he's on the road. He walks out with literally 60, 80 Conway twitty tapes. Oh yeah. He goes, tape shit on the gas station tapes. I will get a John Grisham audio book.

He doesn't give a fuck if it's $29.99 it costs for the firm. This came out in 1994. I just want to hear it read by Susan Sarandon. This dude spent $59 to buy the audio book of John Grisham's literary novel, The Coming of Age Tale, set in 1950s America. No legal thrills at all.

Not even one legal thrill. Sure. There's a mild civil suit. But it's not central to the plot. It's just kind of a charming aside. Yeah, and it came with a pouch of that beef jerky that's supposed to look like chaw. Yeah, right. So, okay, well.

Good job, Open Mic, guys. We got a pretty, you know what? We're fucking masters of the performing arts. We have two solid acts we can take on the road. We got your Morris Morris act, and we got my singing acapella solo singing act. Sorry guys, we're cutting you guys out of this unless you have something. I actually

would rather see both of your shows sound like they'd be amazing. It's better for you to follow us on tour. Yeah. You could be my merch guy. I would do that. Morris Morris has a bunch of merch. I want to be the guy who comes out and says, Sybilis, Sybilis, into the microphone.

My roadie. For the show. Absolutely. Can I recommend something for you, Jim, just in terms of an act? Please. You can drum, right? One of many talents. You can talk.

You won Best Drama Student at Skyline High School in Oakland, California. That's true. So here's my recommendation to you. You go out there, do a dramatic reenactment of Carter Beaufort of the Dave Matthews Five's legendary drumming technique instruction tape that you watch all the time. Can I wear the skin tight spandex body suit? Upper body suit as he wears? I insist that you do. I insist that you do because otherwise you're going to have a lot of problems with pooling perspiration.

You need something that will wick. Got to have it. Got to have wick. I have very active pores. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ricky Carmona, dark gable. Jim Rial, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Ricky Carmona, dark gable. Jim Rial, master of Would You Rather. It's been a wonderful couple of hours that we've spent with you, the Jordan, Jesse Goh listener. Our thanks to all of you out there who supported us during the Max Fund Drive. It was a really successful Max Fund Drive for Jordan, Jesse Goh. We're really proud. Do we beat Peepums? It's real close. Okay? It's real close.

Okay. It's real close. Too close to call? I'm going to call it too close to call. I think we, I'm trying to remember. It's pretty much neck and neck at this point. Wow. But, you know, people love Peepums.

They do. That's one of the top nasty guns. Justifiably so. They're hilarious young men. Okay. Let's not get too big into our legendary rivalry with our friends, the McElroy brothers. Yeah. Let's talk about we had a lot of fun on this program.

Thank you, Jim, for coming here from your home in Oakland, California to be with us today. Thanks so much for having me. So much fun. Thanks for teaching the nerds of MaximumFun.org how to catch and hit a softball. You know, it was a wonderful experience. Very, yeah, really positive, bright team players, full of team spirit. Great smiles. Esprit de corps.

Can't teach that. Cannot teach. And they made a lot of bat-to-ball contact. I was very impressed. Yeah, they did. I was. A pretty solid volume of bat-to-ball contact. I was very impressed. Yeah, they did. I was. A pretty solid volume of bat-to-ball contact.

Yes. Ricky Carmona, of course, you can catch not only on the stand-up stage around here in Los Angeles. You headed anywhere coming up, Ricky? What do I have coming up?

As of right now, no. Okay, so... See Ricky Carmona. Cool, man. See Ricky Carmona on stand-up stages around Los Angeles, but most importantly, catch Ricky Carmona on stand-up stages around Los Angeles. But most importantly, catch Ricky Carmona as a panelist on the new smash hit, fast-growing, mega-powerful, new Max Fund podcast, Wham Bam Pow.

If you like movies with explosions in them, the broad category movies with explosions in them, then you will love Wham Bam Pow. I've been listening every week. It is really a delight, and it is really blowing up fast. So congratulations to you and to Rhea Butcher. Thank you. Yeah. And that's it. Not to Cameron Esposito.

No, not to Cameron Esposito. She's already gotten enough credit. She's gotten enough credit. I remembered a tour date. I remembered a tour date. I'll be at Go Bananas in Cincinnati the first weekend in June. So get out there, Cincinnati. June 6th through whatever that is.

What the fuck else are you doing in Cincinnati? You're just hanging out trying to spot Travis McElroy. That guy lives in Cincinnati. Okay, that's it. Sonny D on the boards. Thanks, Sonny D. Sonny D got a raise this week. Thanks to you folks.

Congratulations, Sonny D. Our theme music a raise this week. Thanks to you folks. Congratulations, Sunny D. Our theme music, Love You by the Free Design, courtesy of the Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can tweet about the program with the hashtag JJGo. I also like it when people tumblog about the program with the hashtag JJGo. I like to look on the tumblogs. You can just look at what's tagged JJGo. can just look at what's tagged to JJ Go and I see, you know, you get to see as Zylo Art made Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris My Little Ponies. Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? With their cutie patches or whatever they're called. Sure. They are called cutie patches. Yeah. I don't remember. Mine is a microphone cutie patch. Do you remember what your cutie patch is called?

I don't know, but I have a lot of fans on Reddit now. Yeah. So – well, that's also because you solved that unsolved crime. That's true. Yes, I did. I solved the unsolved crime. I confessed to killing my sister's boyfriend and, I don't know, some asshole atheist shit. I remember when I did an I am a Q&A on Reddit, I was very frustrated that there were a lot less questions for me than there were for the guy who worked on a private tropical island.

And then I was like, well, you know, who are you going to ask a question to? You want to know what's going on on the fucking private tropical island? Sure. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximum fun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.