Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 274: Big Band with Dana Snyder

Episode Date: May 7, 2013

Actor Dana Snyder joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jewish wizards, Wad Lord, and Jesse breaks down The Spinners' song, "Rubberband Man."

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Gull. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Weather update. Mm-hmm. Let's hear it. Beautiful weather the last few days in Los Angeles. Spring has sprung.

Spring has sprung, and I'll say this. Yesterday was a scorcher. Yeah. Do you have spring fever yet? I do have a little bit of spring fever but I've been taking generic Claritin and that has helped.

Do you think Claritin would help me? What's happened to me with RE spring fever? My standards have just lowered and I will fuck anything. Really? Will Claritin clear that up?

You're going to want to go with Allegro, which is also recommended for playoff fever. Okay. Do you have playoff fever at all? What should I do about my Harry Potter mania? Because the last movie came out and I don't know what to do with myself. When you're talking about a mania, you're going to have to see a psychiatrist. Oh, okay. Make sure they're muggle-friendly.

What is a muggle? In the world of Harry Potter, that's like a human. What? Yeah. That's just a word for human? I think it's like a slur. Wait, that's a word for human? Yes.

That's a word for human in the Harry Potter world? Well, I think it's like a slur. I think the wizards call humans muggles, you know, like we would call an Italian a wop or something. What? You know, like you and I would. Certainly we would call – well, if they didn't have – if they were without papers, we would be forced to call them that. So wait. So it's like an ironic thing that they're always saying muggle, the Harry Potter enthusiasts?

I don't know. I don't know. How would they say it? Oh, we're a bunch of muggles. Yeah, they're probably, yeah. Right? Yeah. Isn't that what they say? It's their word, Jesse. They're taking it back. Thomas, our intern who's on the boards today, is making a very deeply committed nod.

They can call themselves that, but you cannot call them that. I can't call them that. No, muggles can call themselves muggles. Jesse has wizards. Jesse, speaking of wizards. Okay, let's introduce our guest into the program. Of course, you know him for his many roles on stage and screen. You know his voice from various television programs.

Most recently, you know him as one of the stars of Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell on the television network Adult Swim, Mr. Dana Snyder. Sounds so fancy when you say the television network Adult Swim. The block of vulgar programming. Played between 2 and 5.30 in the morning. The alarmingly successful. In spite of everything. Yeah. Continually successful.

You might recognize him as someone from the connective tissue that holds together Slim Jim commercials. Internet only tidy cat campaign. connective tissue that holds together Slim Jim commercials. Internet-only Tidy Cat campaign as the voice of Zinger's cat. This week... Is that in real credit? Can I... Can we talk to Zinger?

Is Zinger... Is Zinger here with us now? Said the world's greatest interviewer. I do have one thing to say about wizards. Yeah. Which is I just read on my way, right before I left, I read that a top Iranian official made a speech this week warning that Jews are masters of sorcery and they use this power in our world today. He found out. Yeah.

What are some examples of Jew magic? Yeah. Oh, man. They gave, well, for one thing, they gave Marc Maron his compelling backstory. Okay. Sure. I'm trying to think of other examples. The corned beef at Cantor's.

Yeah. The corns are really good. How do you get lean? At Langer's over here. Yeah, absolutely. I just thought that was – Sorcery. I just love the idea of any group of people being capable of sorcery.

Because it's the idea that they made some sort of pact. Like, why does their religion give them magic, I wonder? Jesse, explain this racist thinking to me. Something about the Talmud. Dark magic. Yeah, right? I had an inappropriate laugh at something horrible on the way over here. I was just listening to Weekend Edition and there was a story

about Syria maybe having chemical weapons, but the person talking about it pronounced it chemical weepins. Were they from New Zealand or something? I don't know where the accent is. Probably a regional accent. They could

keel thousands. Probably a regional accent. They could keel thousands. But it makes it sound more fun. It makes chemical weapons seem less threatening if we just call them chemical weepins. Weepins, like chemical tear or something. Right. We've made these chemical weepins.

You cry sarin gas. Exactly, right. Wait, soically induced chemical weepings w-e-e-p-i-n that's right that's right yeah yours is what comes out of a child's call for movies they use it for movies and stuff they have to cry they spray a little uh you know, for the heartfelt tears. So, yeah. What do you think is a bigger threat, Jewish wizards or chemical weepants? Well, they're both definitely real. Sure. Oh, wow. That is a tough decision. I think I would prefer to hang out with Jewish wizards.

Right. When it comes down to it. Right. I said mustard on the side. Hold on a minute. Boing. Look now. Oh, it's on the side.

Maybe you wonder why women are so bosomy. Yeah. It's not natural. It's not natural it's not natural so dana your suggestion is that the jewish people's sorcerers they're presumably there's like a sorcerer class that's my assumption oh okay i'm thinking everyone is so there's there's the one percent like lame no i think it's like and then the all-powerful i think it's like the rabbis who are allowed to certify things as kosher or not kosher. It's like a group of highly trained –

And Reb Nachum, the sorcerer. You're an Anatevka. We have our types. As with the kosher-checking rabbis, you imagine that these people are deployed primarily to delicatessen. I'm saying not primarily, just some of them. It's within their purview. It's within their purview. It's within their purview. They handle delicatessens.

That's right. Among others, certainly delicatessens. Tailor-made clothes. Can you take these pants in? Voing. They fit perfectly. Of course they do. You're not lying.

you're not lying when we saw when we last saw Dana Snyder it was in San Diego California at Comic Con which is

Comic Con is an annual comic book conference or convocation it's a configuration of comic books yes

it's an annual consternation of comic books where we got booted off the stage of the WB stage somewhat unexpectedly because we and other people on the stage had never been told that we were supposed to be working G. Sure. Dana, did you make it onto the stage? No. You were our scheduled guest. Dana, did you make it onto the stage? No, I was back talking to the engineer guy. And he kept saying, like, oh, they're not going to like that one. And then this woman kept running back, like, what?

Why did I talk? Oh, come on, guys. Really? Really? What? Who told them to say that? And then he'd say something, and the other guy would go, I'm really not going to like that one. And then she came over to hold the point.

But to be fair, someone did tell us to say everything we had said. Yeah, we were just going by the script that they had handed us. The approved script they handed us. They wrote all those cunnilingus jokes that we made. We were just doing our appreciation of Batman the Animated Series. Sure. That they had written out for us. To be fair, the thing that your other guest up there had said that got – that was the one that got a booted. Scott Simpson, I believe.

Oh, Scott Simpson was there with us, yeah. I didn't find offensive. What did he say? They were talking – you guys were talking about what San Diego was like and he's like,, yeah, if you had to combine the image of San Diego, it would be like a dune buggy filled with date rape drugs. He's like, that's it. Date rape? Rape?

Really? Not like a rape joke. You're like, oh, a date rape drug is a little different. Yeah. The dune buggy is not a rapist. Yeah. She hates dune buggies. Whatever that Warner Brothers lady is.

What did he say the crest for San Diego would be? It was like a flip-flop rampant on a field of volleyball. Something like that, yeah. I think the problem with Scott Simpson was too funny.

Yes. They were really bothered by that. Well, we're glad that you weren't put off our program by the fact that we had scheduled you

to appear on our corporate nightmare. I was busy loading my cargo pants with free chips and waters. As soon as the plug was pulled, I ran to the Tanton. So you probably made it out there with like eight bucks worth of pop chips. Oh, easily. It's okay. Or two bags.

Yes, exactly. Not a waste of a day for you. Pop chips are expensive. They're very expensive. Because they don't make them in standard – they don't get to benefit from economies of scale. It's a sort of a personal operation. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of craft that goes into those pop chips.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Our show this week brought to you in part by Marin on IFC. Always on, slightly off. There's an all-new episode of Marc Maron's TV show this Friday at 10 p.m. on IFC. And it's a fictionalized version of Marc's life as a comedian and podcaster. Possibly including a fictionalized version of our producer Brian Fernandez. version of our producer Brian Fernandez. I have not asked Mark about that yet because I don't

want to destroy the magic in case it isn't a fictionalized version of our producer Brian Fernandez who used to work with Mark as his intern. But there is a bumbling intern character and that's Brian Fernandez aka Sonny D. Anyway, Fridays 10, 9 central on IFC. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dana Snyder, a Jewish sorcerer expert. I'm not an expert in the sorcerers. I'm more an expert in Jewish sorcery. Okay.

Just like so like magical effects. Not particular sorcerers. Jewish familiars. That's right. Exactly. Most of whom have been to the Magic Castle, are members of the Magic Castle. Oh, okay. It's a secret. I would have thought a Magic Castle would have been restricted.

That's right. No, no, no. They started it. It's a secret club within a secret club. Wow. Okay. I'm really excited about the idea. You can only have a familiar if you are a sorcerer, right?

I don't know. I don't really know what the magical rules of the familiar are. I think vampires have them, too. I'd have to convert. To Judaism. Judaism and sorcery. Well, can you have a Gentile sorcerer? Do you think that's why our friend...

Agnostic sorcerer? Our friend Claude Brodesser-Akner. Oh, yeah, sure. Come on. Yeah. Our friend Claude Brodesser-Akner was an adult convert to Judaism. And among other things, had a, let's just say, rabbinical surgery as an adult. Sure.

Quite impressively, which he presented as because of his love of both God and his wife. But I think it might have been to become a sorcerer. Oh, yeah. So it's the penile sheath what's holding in the magic? Hard to say. Tough to say yeah tough to say but it but this familiar thing would explain why he's always followed by a talking matzo ball i just thought that was an optical illusion nope that's uh pure magic he manifested it from his brain um i have been since since last week's

program which we actually recorded two weeks ago, I have spent a lot of time thinking about Phil Elverum's gambling game, Wadlord. Yeah. Let's explain this for Dana or someone who might not have heard. So, Dana, Phil Elverum is an indie rock star who was a guest on our program, a very nice and talented man. He makes very beautiful music. But his primary social interest is gambling.

Nice. And specifically gambling in back alleys behind clubs against other indie rock figures. Okay. I now imagine that it's just like Devendra Bandheart, Jim James. Sure. Just all just hanging out in alleys shooting dice at all times that they're not on stage. Carrying on a long, noble tradition of back alley crap games and things behind during the old rock and roll days. Captain V part. Sure. Captain B-part.

Sure. Having cockfights. Go to Captain B-part. Yeah, right? I'm thinking of what's the earliest indie rock thing. Okay. Yeah, sure. Sort of like that.

So Phil is – you know, he'll shoot dice, et cetera, but his real passion is something called Wadlord, He'll shoot dice, et cetera, but his real passion is something called Wadlord, which if he didn't provide the seed of it, he certainly nurtured it into the grand bloom that it is today. Wadlord? Wadlord. Okay. So here's how it works, and Phil was kind enough to post a lot of points of clarification on our forum this week because he is really invested in the growth of Wadlord. Yeah, I thought – I don't know what it was at the time. I thought when he was explaining Wadlord, it was some like bit that maybe he was just

coming up with off the top of his head. But if it was, he has since flushed it out and now there are complicated – Okay, he's an improvisational genius. Yes. So there were some questions about Wadlord on our forum from people like we have a listener named Ken Roberts who's an actual professional gambler, plays poker

in like the World Series of Poker and stuff and he's interested in knowing more about Wadlord. So people like this are posting some questions just as half in jest. First, someone posts and says I've played a lot of Wadlord with Phil. He is really intense about it.

Here are some blah, blah, blah. Then Phil comes in. He has to register on the forum, et cetera, et cetera. Posts a big list of clarifications. But here's the basic rules of Wadlord. Verifications. But here's the basic rules of Wadlord. There's a group of people playing together of whom one is designated the Wadlord.

He is wearing a beard. He's wearing a false beard. He's wearing a false beard. No, really? This is the merchandisable part of Wadlord. The most cash. Yeah. Well, no, no.

Someone has. That comes later. We're getting to that. Oh, okay. So. Someone literally has a fake beard on. Yes. Okay.

That's the Wadlord. Okay. All right. So – Apart from that, there's nothing to sell for this game. So to make this profitable, there needs to be an item. Wadlord beard. An official Wadlord beard. It can't just be a Jewish sorcerer's beard or a – so he gives... So the different people who are playing...

Well, let's say there's six people playing Wadlord. Each of those six people gives the Wadlord some money from their wallet and doesn't let the other people see how much money they've given the Wadlord. Okay. It can be any amount, any denomination. Okay? The Wadlord then takes all this money together and forms a wad. Right.

People can inspect the wad, but they cannot look inside the wad. And we're talking he's got the pile of bills folded in half like your classic, like... Rubber band man style. We're in business, baby. Like a street hunk. Okay. Right. Okay.

Okay. So... And that's also something. Did we talk about... Have we talked about that yet on Jordan Jesse Go? My obsession with the lyrics of Rubber Band Man by the Spinners? No. Next segment. Okay. And that's also something. Have we talked about that yet on Jordan, Jesse, Go? My obsession with the lyrics of Rubber Band Man by the Spinners? No. Next segment.

Okay. So the Wadlord has the beard and the wad. Everyone writes down how much money they think is in the wad. Okay. And their name on a piece of paper gives it to the Wadlord. Whoever gets closest to the actual total amount of money gets to keep the whole wad. Now, here's what maybe is going through your head. Why don't you just put in a dollar?

But you could like secretly put in $200 bills in the middle and think, oh, there's only like five bills there. But you're like, ha, ha, ha. Sure. Exactly. So there is a strong impetus to essentially bully the other participants by being a person who carries too much cash. Right. So if you happen to be the kind of guy that carries $400 cash, and part of this is these guys are on tour. So they do, they are often carrying a lot of cash.

Yeah, right. So it is a bully's game. God, that's beautiful. Yeah. I really want to get into some Warlord. It's like a high stakes game of like Mafia, it seems like. What's Mafia? Is that the one where you scratch the people's palm?

Yeah, I think there's a palm scratching element to it. What's the assassin one where you blink? If you're the assassin, you blink. Now you're dead. You're dead. You got to figure out who the guy is. Oh, shit. I'm dead now?

You sit around in a circle. Yeah, but it seems like there is a kind of a psychological element to it, to kind of playing dumb. Yeah, the fake out. Phil agreed. And one, maybe even two other people posted in the forum who had played with Phil. Everyone agreed that Phil is a terror to play at this game because he is unafraid to put hundreds of dollars into the wad. It seems like, yeah, this would bring up a lot of class issues. It feels like it is a game version of when you're out to eat with a big group.

And some people are like, oh, let's have a couple drinks first. Let's round to appetizers. Who wants dessert? And then, you know, you can really tell who is pinching their pennies and who's not. But, you know, and it feels like you are kind of forcing the people who aren't, you know, as high on the hog into your appetizer after dinner espresso lifestyle. So, yeah, it seems like the game version of that. I have a question about that. Now, everyone writes down secretly how much they think is in there?

Yeah. Okay. So he could just plop down like five crisp $1,000 bills and be like, it's $5,042, guys. Yeah. But you know what? Here's the thing. If he puts $5,000 in there, sure. He has dramatically improved his odds of winning.

But if someone sees that in his eyes and gets it, right? They could have put in a dollar and take home $5,000. That's what makes Wadlord so amazing. Wow. Do you think at MaxFunCon this year we're going to have a lot of

hush-hush games of Wadlord going on? I think there's going to be a lot of Wadlord at MaxFunCon. Here's the thing. The games don't seem like they last long enough, right? Because the idea is putting in all of your money. Put the money in. Write it down, and then the guy with the beard's like,

all right. Lucius, you won. If you're carrying a lot of cash, it doesn't matter. You don't have to put it all in. Okay. So you're going to be, okay. I thought part of it was putting in whatever was in your wallet. No, the strategy involved is how much are you going to put in?

Yeah. Do you think it would be more fun if there was sexual penalties? I don't know. I don't know if I would want to do it with the other guys in my family. A bunch of sweaty guys who've been on the road for 25 days. That's not fair, actually. Phil actually came here with two pretty indie rock ladies who were in his current band. That's probably.

Sexual penalty. I mean, what are we talking about? Like one week impotence? Are we talking about sorcery type penalties? Yeah. Having to have sex sorcery type penalties? Yeah. Having to have sex with a talking matzo ball. My turn.

It's matzo's time. Why did we agree to these sexual penalties? Finally, I'm learning what it is to feel a man's touch. This is more thrilling than that time

I was in soup. Typically I am orally stimulated. I love Wadlord, and what's great about Wadlord is it's now in my pantheon of games invented by entertainers with too much time on their hands,

along with Jordan Peele from Key & Peele invented. He came over to my house to do Bullseye a year, year and a half ago when Key & Peele was just starting and sat down at my dining room table, proceeded to, almost apropos of nothing, we were having a perfectly pleasant conversation, lead me into the details of this card game that he has invented where you're a Hollywood mogul and you have to put together stars and green light pictures and see if you make, earn money or lose money on budgets that he has invented and made completely himself.

And plays with friends at his house. I guess there's also Andy Daly's Mustache TV. That's exactly what I was about to say. Mustache TV is a game invented by our friend Andy Daly, the brilliant comedian, possibly the funniest person, who has a new television show coming to Comedy Central, by the way. funniest person who has a new television show coming to Comedy Central, by the way. And Andy Daly has this game. There's a rule book and a mustache.

And you put the mustache on your television. And then when the mustache lands on something that occurs on television, you get a certain number of points based on the rule book. And it turns any – he particularly – he says he particularly recommends it for sporting events and for election night. Because election night can get long and slow and dull, but if there's a must at any moment. Throw a mustache in there, game changer. Exactly. G-C, game changed.

Yeah, I feel like, I mean, it seems like it would be good for our brand to have a signature game. I mean, I feel like we're kind of on the, you know, I don't think we can claim Wadlord as our own, even though, you know, I think we probably let America know about it. Right. You're responsible for America knowing what Wadlord is. Right, sure. We're like, yeah, it's like Ed Sullivan didn't invent the Beatles, but.

Yeah. Sure. We're like, it's like Ed Sullivan didn't invent the Beatles. But yeah, but I feel like I don't have I don't have the kind of patience and kind of nerd obsessiveness to come up with the rules of a game. So I think I would just be like, oh, you run to a fire hydrant and then like, you know, scream your favorite Sylvester Stallone movie. Can our game just be Stratomatic Baseball? What's that? It's where you roll dice and you have baseball players on your team. Okay. It's like fantasy baseball from 1967. Oh, boy.

We're like pre-printed die, right? Yeah, you get like a card. You have a card that says like if you roll a six and a three, that's a home run for Phil Plantier. Yeah. I think I remember that. That was a real thing, right? That was a real thing. I also had All-Star Baseball, which had round cards and a spinner. But the nice thing about Strat-O-Matic is with All-Star Baseball,

it doesn't matter who's pitching. In later versions of All-Star Baseball, they had pitcher overlays. They got bored. I personally, I would like to see more things with the o-matic suffix. Oh, absolutely. That has gone out the window, right? Yeah. Is there already something called a pod-o-matic?

I don't know. What's that? That would just be something to make your own podcast. Right. It can't, and our slogan could be, it can't help but be as good as Jordan Jesse Go. Right. And almost certainly, just by the virtue of existing. No format?

No problem. Right. Try Pod-o-matic. I feel like all the o-matics have been replaced now with i's. Yeah. Like the i-home and the thing, like it sounds too...

So you're saying that they should rebrand the iPhone the phone-o-matic. Phone-o-matic. Yeah. Music-o-matic. MP3-. Musicalmatic. MP3omatic. Yeah.

You know what? I think we go a different direction with this. Here's my pitch to you guys. We're podcasters, right? So we replace the I with P. Okay. So it's like the, you know, the P something. The P mic.

P shoes. P shoes. When you're doing podcasts, you got got to get yourself some pea shoes. Slip-ons so they make no noise when you walk around the microphone. You've got to get some pea shoes. Oh, so this is like, this is not. Have you tried pea drink? This is not.

These aren't shoes that distribute podcasts, but they are shoes. This is like apparel for podcasting. It's a piece of equipment when you're podcasting. The money is in accessories. Sure. apparel for podcasting. It's a piece of equipment when you're podcasting. The money is in accessories. As with Star Wars and George Lucas keeping the rights to the toys, that's what we're essentially doing with podcasting. We're keeping the rights to the toys.

So J.J. Abrams can just come in here and do Jordan Jesse Go. Look, if there can be a $200 million blue-collar comedy theme park, we are leaving merchandising money on the table. You know what I mean? Is there a blue-collar comedy theme park? Oh, absolutely. I didn't know that.

Either just opened or was just announced. Yeah. Six flags. Six flags over Nebraska. Yeah, right. Over Larry the Cable Guy. Six flags over Larry the Cable. I don't know. Yeah, right. Over Larry the Cable. Six Flags over Larry the Cable. That's fun.

Do you think Ron White ever gets a check from the blue-collar comedy thing and he's like, huh, it's weird because I'm funny? Yeah, I feel like when you have that much money coming in off something, you stop thinking about where it's coming from. I bet it just turns into a reality, like periodic showers of money. Right. It's just sort of your day-to-day. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

So it doesn't even register. Yeah. It's like how when Pee Wee Herman gets up in the morning and he goes through that whole Rube Goldberg operation to get a pancake. Sure. It doesn't even occur to him like I could just pour the batter in the pan and that's how I could get a pancake. Yeah, exactly. That's Ron White and Blue Collar Checks. Can I ask you a quick question, by the way, about pancakes? Please.

I've been reading – I spent a lot of time reading with my son. To establish a lifelong love of learning. Absolutely. I believe that one day he will go to community college. Oh, that's – Or at the very least, the learning annex. Sure. You want him to get into TV VCR repair, right?

Sure. Well, those things are always breaking. Sure. They are. Especially now. The later they go on, they're not making them anymore. Yeah. Breakdowns will only be more and more frequent as time goes on.

Sure. And more and more lucrative. That's right. I must watch Hudson Hawk. There is currently no DVD of Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. I need to watch Curly Sue. So I've been reading In the Night Kitchen a lot with my son, which is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful book.

We've talked about In the Night Kitchen at some point. Yeah, I mean, I guess I mainly know it from it being that book that libraries were throwing out because it had a dong in it. It does have a dong. It has a lot of dong. So have you ever read In the Night Kitchen, Dana? It's a Maury Sendak book. Are you sure you're not just reading the children's novelization of Spartacus from the Starz network? Blood and Sand.

Blood and Sand. Oh, Spartacus, Blood and Sand. Not the film Spartacus. No, no, no. Yeah. Right. Yeah. This is Lil Spartacus.

I just finished the children's novelization of – oh, fuck. What's the show that everyone likes, including me, about the cater waiters? Party Down. Party Down. Well, it's just another show on Starz. Sure. There's no dongs in that, though. Okay.

I just finished reading the novelization of Boss starring Kelsey Grammer. Okay, good. The junior novelization. Yeah, Lil Boss. Illustrated. Lil Boss. The illustrated novelization.. Yeah, Lil Boss. Illustrated. Lil Boss. The illustrated novelization. Sure.

Big Boss, Lil Boss. There's a tiny, bald, gussy grammar. So it's such a great book. I mean, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. I mean, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. And, you know, one of the things is children are amazing learners, but the way they learn things is to make you read a book over and over and over. Sure. They learn by repetition. And previously, his favorite book had been – his favorite category of books had been list of types of truck.

Yeah. Which is a broad category. You would be surprised. One of our listeners, Zena, sent us one of those. But we have like three others that have just appeared in our lives. And he knows all the trucks. Yeah. You know, backhoe loader.

He's not even two years old. Backhoe loader. Like, I don't know what, what is a Terra bus? I only know because of this list of trucks. It's a kind of van, like a van truck that they use at Antarctica to go around and do scientific research. Oh, like with the tank treads. Yeah, you got it. Oh, like the thing.

Yeah. The things of the thing. You got it. So I'm happy at least that this is actually a really good book. And because it's such a good book, it's very rewarding. But the story is the protagonist falls into essentially a dream world. And in the dream world, for one thing, his dong's out. He's nude. Nude little boy.

Sounds so much better when you say he's just nude as opposed to his dogs. His dogs. Like he's being led with pelvis everywhere. Yeah. Whip it out, Junior. At one point, he makes a suit of armor out of batter and wears that for a while. But then he goes back to being nude. But it's a great story.

There's these bakers who want to bake him into a cake. But he escapes and then he goes and gets the milk. It's very fantastical and sort of a dream-ish thing. But at the end of it, the moral of the story is, it's because of Mickey, the protagonist of the story, that we all have cake in the morning. Oh, that's setting a bad precedent. Yes, a very bad precedent. Luckily, right now my son doesn't know what cake is. Ah, okay.

So that's the good news. Sure. The bad news is I think he may have reason to figure it out at some point. He's 35 and I can't keep the secret from him much longer. But that seems like a really fucked up thing. And he's the reason we could all get super stoned. Is cake, is morning cake something? I mean, I guess there's, I mean, I think that encompasses muffins, English muffins, banana

bread, scones. Those are all morning cakes? I think those are all types of morning cakes. Thomas, why aren't you Googling this yet? I don't believe that. Pancake. Pancake. Cake made in a pan.

Yeah. I guess. Griddle cake. Griddle cake. Johnny cake. Johnny cake. Hop. What's that?

Hop. You're just listening to different names for pancakes. Flapjacks? Is that? No, it's like a, what is it? Johnny hot. There is a difference between pancakes and flapjacks. Yeah, one of them uses like cornmeal instead of –

Yeah, yeah. Johnny Hot Nut is the – Johnny Hot Nut. That's right. Johnny Hot Nut. Johnny Hot Nut. That's why he's weird. Otherwise, you couldn't see his hot nut.

Can I share a book-related mishap that I had recently? You're going to have to make the text bigger. You're going to turn it around to show it to me, Thomas. Thomas thinks he can just turn... This is a netbook. Thomas is turning around the screen, the 7-inch screen of a netbook. With the 8.5 on it. Dana Snyder

wears corrective lenses. Yeah. I've got eyes like a fucking hawk, but even I can't see that all the way over there. From the kitchen. Apple yogurt cake with a cinnamon sugar. That's not a breakfast cake. Dark gingerbread pear cake. Again, not a breakfast cake.

You've presented me with a list of cakes, Thomas. Oh, boy. Thank you very much. This is just Thomas' favorite kind of book. The third one did say olive and something breakfast cake. This person, this blog says eat cake for breakfast. For morning enjoyment. Listen, this blog says eat cake for breakfast. 15 cakes for morning enjoyment.

I mean, what's going on in your life that you're – you know, Pam is starting over today. I'm going to start treating myself to the ways I never treated. My husband left me. He was no good. I'm going to have cake for breakfast every day. I'm going to empower people around the world. Fuck off. Yeah. Yeah to empower people around the world. Fuck off. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck your face, yogurt. I'm having cake. I'm having... From now on, I'm having cake for breakfast and cereal for dessert. Yeah, maybe the character in the night kitchen, maybe the moral of the story is just say, fuck it. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. night kitchen maybe the moral of the story is just say fuck it right yeah yeah and i don't know if there's a you know if there's if there's another version where he's wake and baking and then you know maybe he just quits his job there's this one you know what i like to think now i'm imagining that the entire thing was inspired by a devin the dude song called Do What You Want to Do, which goes, do what the fuck you want to do. That's basically the whole chorus. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like these are, you know, at least Devin the Dude had the night kitchen in mind.

The moral of the story is Devin's wisdom, which is, fuck it, bitch, you grown, do what you want to do. Which I think is a really inspirational message. Totally, especially for a young kid. They might start taking things seriously and trying. The difference between a good children's book and a bad one is so vast. We have a lot of books. We have this book called, not My Truck Got Stuck.

It's a My Truck Got Stuck knockoff book called Sheep in a Jeep. Oh. Sheep in a Jeep is the worst story ever. For one thing, it's about some sheep driving a Jeep. There's no reason that they're driving a Jeep. There's no place they're going. It does rhyme. Did you know that?

Is this sponsored by Jeep? Yeah. Like when you go to the dealership, hey, you got kids. It's actually. Oh, yeah. Get them young. Here's our children's book. Get them young.

Sheep in a Jeep. It's actually, it's funny you mentioned that. It's sponsored by sheep. We were at a sheep farm and the farmer gave it to us as a sort of inducement in an attempt to close the deal. Werewolf. the deal werewolf what's amazing to me is how many children's books that rhyme uh have on a seemingly completely random meter like you're writing a show you only are responsible for 200 words i mean well i mean i think i think probably part of the problem is that these days

all children's books are written by celebrities who are basically coked up all the time. That's true. They live in a Hollywood fantasy world. Sure. No one's telling them no. Absolutely. Sheep in a Jeep was written by Gwyneth Paltrow, right? Jessica Seinfeld.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Same thing. On a train trip between Burbank and San Diego. She wrote the entire book. But I really like, I need, I realized that if I don't want to hate my life, I am going to have to be really, really careful about what books enter my home. Yeah.

But I mean, it seems like you're the arbiter of that, right? Like you don't have to... People give you things. That's the problem. The problem with trying to control what enters your... Like, I also would love to not have toys that make random electronic noises. Sure. Because that, number one, I don't think children even, I don't think it even makes a difference to children.

Yeah. They don't really care. My son certainly doesn't understand why when he presses something it makes a particular noise. There's no doubt about that but also it's it's a fucking living nightmare to have these noises it's like living in you know when they say like to to torture prisoners at gitmo sure they play like metallica really loud so they can't think straight yeah that's where we. That's where I'm at with truck noises. Oh, yeah.

That happened with my little niece. They were very careful about nothing going in, and someone gave her one of those. It looks like a big sound board that just lights up and runs noise nonstop and boing sounds and chicken things. The one that my son has, the cruelest part of it is that when you turn it off, it makes a fucking long ass sound. It says like, well, gee, thanks for playing with me. I'll see you next time you turn that switch and turn me back on. But for now, it's back to the old crowd.

To get more sound cartridges, go to www.screamincowboy.com. If you don't turn me on every day, I'll die. Don't leave me in every day, I'll die. Don't leave me in the closet for too long. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, everybody. This is Justin McElroy and in the rich fiction we just created, the hosts of this podcast have gone for a little pee break. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy.

Quick, while they're not looking, slip our comedy in. I'm Griffin McElroy, the baby brother. And stop, I'm the police what are we doing this is my brother my brother and me where we take questions and turn them into wisdom and make fun of you we make fun with you we make fun with you because english is our second language well now it's getting racist we have we literally had 25 seconds and we did racist with it so wait till you see what we can do with a whole hour on my brother, my brother and me. We're brothers. We're experts. And we're sorry.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. We did. We had a knock-down, drag-out game of Waddle or During the Break. I put in all of the money that I had saved for a down payment on a house.

Yeah. There was so much money in this game. It was really exciting, though. It couldn't even be folded into a wad. It was too much cash. Sure, yeah. I'm basically the wife in that one Albert Brooks movie. I lost the next time. Lost in America.

Lost in America. God. I watched Lost in America. Lost in America. God. I watched Lost in America not that long ago. It is way more intense than I remembered it being. Super intense. Like, as a kid, I just thought it was silly and funny. Yeah. I mean, I know.

It's like, it's so funny because it's like, I guess that came right after, like, Modern Romance, right? A movie where nothing happens. Right. Where he's just sitting around, around like listening to his answering machine messages and then he buys shoes from Super Dave. Yeah. Oh man, that's great when he buys those shoes from Super Dave.

That is a very good scene. Oh boy. But yeah, and then this kind of fraught, you know, anxiety nightmare. Let me ask you this question. Sure. What percentage premium would you pay to go to a store a shoe store where super dave worked and i'm not presuming that super dave dave osborne

albert brooks's brother dave einstein sure it's his real name right um son of Park Your Carcass. Would what I don't. What's that? His father was a famous comedian named Park Your Carcass. And he had a boat, you know, both their fathers. And it was famous for dying on stage on the dais at a Friars Club roast. Wow. Really? Not just dying, but they opened his chest up. And because there was like a roast for, you know, whatever, Norm Crosby or somebody. And he's there. And he fell over into like George Burns' lap.

Everybody laughed. They thought he was doing some joke. Found out he had a heart attack. Put him up on the table for 45 minutes because there were heart surgeons in the audience. Right. So like five guys jump up there who've been drinking for five hours, I'm sure, had his chest open, someone massaging his heart for like 45 minutes. Well, they cut him open with just a penknife. Like they literally like steak knife.

Yeah. Alcohol. Clear the thing. Yeah. Dump some scotch on it. Yeah. Like kept him going for like, you know, some guy had his hand in his chest massaging his heart for 45 minutes. Yeah. Wow. I guess that for 45 minutes. Yeah. Wow. I guess that's how you – yeah. If his name was Park Your Carcass, you could see how he saw fit to name his child Albert Einstein.

That's right. He's like, this is – what can I say? It's a conservative name. It's a modest name to give your child. I did name him something ridiculous like Park Your Carcass. What was I going to say? Sorry. Oh, how much would you pay to-

Premium under shoes. 100%. Sorry. 100%. So you would pay double for your- I'd pay $100 for a $50 pair of shoes. Okay. What about you, Dana?

Because here's the thing about Super Dave. He's funny as shit. Yeah. And he's funny doing anything. He doesn't have to be doing a bit to be funny. He has a very funny manner of being in the world. The question I would have is it might be more fun to go in and try on a bunch of shoes and then stiff them and leave. No.

Just enjoy the comedy. After an hour and a half. Yeah, you know what? These aren't really worth it. Thanks for the laugh, though. What? You get back here. See you later, asshole.

Ha ha. Man, fucking Snyder's got a Super Dave impression ready to go. He's got one locked in the chamber. Yeah, yeah. You're going to have a few impressions ready for any Jordan Jesse Go episode. One of them is Super Dave. Mm-hmm. Right?

It's going to come up. It's going to come up. It's going to come up. Another one is James K. Polk. Sure. Got to have a good James K. Polk. That's a good one because he was president before recordings. So it's just an interpretation.

But you're working from written notes. Much like Daniel Day-Lewis and Lincoln. Right. Copious amounts of research. Yeah. You got to look into it. Of course, you got to exhume the body.

Investigate the anatomy. Right. How big is his mouth? All these questions coming. Sure. Lower, higher? Sinus issues. Sinus, yeah.

Wide sinuses? Yeah. That's going to affect your whether- Pitch. Yeah, right. Pitch is an issue. This is the kind of stuff a bill h That's going to affect your, your, your, whether. Pitch. Yeah, right. This is the kind of stuff a Bill Hader does when he's preparing his James King.

Exumes bodies. He'll exhume a body. He's not afraid to exhume a body. Sure. He's doing what he's got to do. Yeah. That's right. Maybe that's the reason all my SNL auditions have never gotten me on the

show is because I haven't been digging up any corpses. Yes. That's true. That's the same reason Rich Little was never on SNL and never went the extra mile with his impersonations. It's possible it's because Megan Mullally's not your aunt, cousin. What was it? Megan Mullally was integral to Bill Hader.

Bill Hader's the best, let's be clear. Sure. Fucking hilarious. Yeah. Well-deserved place on Saturday Night Live. But he got cast based on a sketch show in his friend's backyard. Something like that, yeah. That was promoted by Megan Mullally because she is his something.

It is something like that. His nanny. Yeah. She is his nanny. Right. Yeah. I take a little work on the side. You never know.

Show business is very fickle. It's well and grace. I try and, you know, stay busy. Just like odd jobs, dog walking, some temp work. Yeah, absolutely. Sure. I can understand that. I can understand that.

Do an internet series. David, me and Jordan have both really been enjoying your television program, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell. Oh, it's a... It's probably the strangest television program I've ever seen. I've got a behind-the-scenes story about the show, actually. Oh, I'd love to hear it. I auditioned for the show.

I got the script ahead of time, read it ahead of time, really thought it was funny. Something that jumped out to me is in the pilot, there is a character where the character name... I don't think he's referred to himself by name, but the character name is Eddie Pepitone Demon. No, he is. He is referred to every show. They're like, hey, Eddie, how's it going? I think, no, maybe the last one when Satan came in, he was like, Eddie? But the full name is Eddie Pepitone Demon is the whole name on the script.

We should explain that this show takes place in hell. Yeah. Sort of green screened takes place in hell. Sort of green-screened office version of hell. Very cubicle-heavy version of hell. Lots of corporate manuals for everything. Every day is Monday on the calendar.

They wear bad Best Buy polo shirts. When they have a bathroom break, they have to go and become toilets. Their head is in the toilet. Yeah. So it's funny. break, they have to go and become toilets. Yeah, their head is then in the toilet. Yeah. So it's funny. So I looked.

I was like, oh, that's great. Eddie Pepitone's on board for this. That's great. He'll be great in this part. And I went to the audition, and Eddie Pepitone was there auditioning in front of me. And I'm like, wait, aren't you already in this? He's like, no, I have to audition for this part. I mean, that's got to be the most insulting.

Yeah. You know you want to. How do be the most insulting. Yeah. You know you want to. How do you not get that? Yeah. I've got, you know, I've had a lot of, many times doing a voiceover audition for something and it'll be like, you know, we want a real, like, you know, say like Maurice LaMarche type. You're sitting there with Maurice LaMarche. Maurice LaMarche type. You're sitting there with Maurice LaMarche.

And he's like, yeah, you're probably going to get it. Because if they say your name, you'll be the one who doesn't get it. Because they never know what they fucking want. I'm like, oh, okay. That's what they call the wisdom of LaMarche. Sure. La wisdom. Yeah.

It would be funny if I saw the actual show and it was like Michael B. Jordan or something. Ron White. Right, exactly, Ron White. I haven't seen an episode with you in it, Dana. I've been in – You're in most, right? Yeah, I was in a little bit in the first one. I have a lot more in the second one where they haunt the house. I'm possessed.

The one I saw involved like a fish concert. Oh, yeah. That might be this week's. You've got kind of a weird goatee in this, right? A soul patch? A soul patch, sure. Do you play demon or just a man? I am Gary's old roommate.

So whenever he needs connections to the surface, I'm his guy. We used to share our apartment together. I've turned his old room into my humidor. And this, yeah, the one he possesses me because he can't, his girlfriend can't see him. Because Satan's using this apartment as his bang, his bone garden. So he doesn't want it to go up for sale because he wants to keep it, so Gary has to haunt it with maggots and blood and all that stuff. It is a strange program.

Yeah. It is strange in the context of other shows on Adult Swim because everyone is wearing red makeup and horns. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's really neat to watch it because – There's fields of flame everywhere. Yeah, like that's what's so neat about watching it though.

Like there's so much other crap in there that was nowhere near – I mean – Right. This is not on the level of you see like making episode two, Phantom Menace, and these guys got the dots on and there are some green screen that's, you know, bigger than this building. This is like, you know, a two-by-two green screen. It's, you know, like – But that's still like – How can you make it look that awesome? Yeah, really.

Yeah, exactly. They have to move the green screen around every frame to create a composite green screen. I would call the show Guillermo del Toro-esque in its combination of practical and CGI effects. That's a really good point, Jordan. That's what they were going for. It's Pacific Rim-esque. Yeah. I didn't spot Doug Jones, but I presume he'll be involved at some point. Oh, sure.

Absolutely. That's wonderful. Hey, wait. I promised that I would discuss this rubber band man by the spinners. This is one of my favorite. The other day, a couple weeks ago, I went to what was advertised as an estate sale in my neighborhood of Los Angeles, Mount Washington. And it turned out not to be an estate sale, which typically is a big disappointment. Because there's some fucking asshole advertising their garage sales as an estate sale.

But they're not dead. They're sitting right there. They want to sell you their old baby clothes or whatever. Oh, boy. Luckily, this guy not only was a very nice man, he'd been an R&B DJ. So I got to go through his whole record collection and buy a bunch of records. Wow. Which was wonderful.

And I also bought a number of CDs from him. One of them was a Spinners compilation. I love the Spinners. I'm on record as saying that when I'm an old man, all I'll do is listen to the Spinners, the Stylistics, the Chi Lights, possibly the Whispers, maybe the Manhattans. Occasionally

Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, but only the Teddy Pendergrass years. Sweet Soul is like my old man music. Yeah, this, I mean, this is all part of the record. Yeah. No need to go back over it again. People can just go to their local library and look this up on the microfiche. Sure, it's on microfiche.

You can get it on ILL if it's not in your local library, if you have a lesser library system. I don't mean to be rude, but you can call the reference desk of the New York Public Library. There you go. They've got that. So I... Hey, I think we can all agree, the local library is a great place to hang out. It is. That's right. It is really fun. They have story time. Homeless guys jacking off.

Story time and masturbation time with homeless guys on the computers. Free Ken Burns movies. Sure. All the Ken Burns movies you care to watch. Yep. There's only one there. A lot Burns movies? Sure. All the Ken Burns movies you care to watch? Yep. There's only one there. A lot of movies you can rent in Russian. Yeah, absolutely.

I have never been to the library here. Yeah. I used to go all the time in New York. I don't even know where it is. They don't have them here. I mean, it's got to be around here somewhere, right? Like the main, is there like a main branch no it's just like no they've replaced they've replaced all the libraries with tesla

dealerships it's ducati of beverly hills now that's right uh there's that really nice one downtown that's kind of like that classic giant multi-floor library and then there are a lot of like lesser libraries that are mostly homeless guy jack-off areas. But yeah, one downtown. Highly recommended. So I love the Spinners. I've been listening to the Spinners compilation for a lot of time. Look, I got these on LP, but you can't listen to LPs in your car.

Sure. So I've been listening to this Spinners CD, and one of my favorite spinner songs is this song called rubber band man now rubber band man is slang rubber a rubber band man is slang for like a hustler like a guy that keeps his his wad so to speak at a rubber band right that's what you know like as in the song rubber band man by ti produced by david banner but Rubber Band Man in the Spinner song, the Rubber Band Man, I can't even. So it's a really great song. So Thomas has it loaded up. And Thomas, have you got the track arm to record as well?

Okay. So I thought that we could just take a listen to Rubber Band Man, pause a couple times in the verses. That's what makes it fair use. We're analyzing it sure and we could just address some of the themes that come up in the song by the spinners rubber band man and look if you haven't if you're not familiar with this song you got a treat ahead of you this is a great song so thomas why don't you start rubber band man here it's a really fun intro it It suggests a rubber band. Yeah. Right? And a cool fanfare, too.

Like, it's really getting you ready to enjoy. Something's coming. Yeah. You don't know what it is yet, but something's coming. Well, wait until you hear the first verse, because that is the theme of the first verse, is they get your fucking ass together. Hand me down a walking cane. Hand me down my hat. Get your fucking ass together. Get dressed.

Okay, so pause it there. Pause it for a second there, Thomas. This is the theme of the first verse is get your shit together. We do not have time to fuck around. We do not have time to wait. Give me my special hat and my special cane. Give me my good shit. Yeah, because the rubber band is about to jam. Okay?

It is an epic buildup for this act. This is going to be... This is like going to see Sinatra in his prime. Whatever the rubber band is, this is tremendous. Sure. And this isn't something that was known. This isn't like about... The rubber band was created for this song.

No, this is like... do you know how you hear? You know, you hear about when movies were just invented and they would show something where the train was coming towards the audience and everyone would jump out of the way. That's the level we're at with the rubber band. Like this is something that is blowing people's fucking minds. Okay. This is some new, new shit that is really... Okay, go ahead and press play, Thomas. It's a great song.

I love this song. You're going to lose control. You're going to shit your pants, is what they're saying. You'll avoid your bowel. Hearing. you're gonna lose control you're gonna shit your pants is what they're saying everything he does comes out right okay okay so everything he does comes out right seems to come out right this is this man he is like a man god. The rubber band man is a man god. He is, this is like nothing you've ever seen before.

So they're not going to see the rubber band. They're going to see the rubber band man. Well, it's unclear whether they're going to see the rubber band, comma, man, or the rubber band man. So far. Because he does put a pause in there. The rubber band man. So far. Because he does put a pause in there. The rubber band man. So it could be the rubber band comma. Although then he did just say everything he seems to do or everything he says. Yeah.

So it does seem like it is the rubber band man. It's just some Jesus type. Right. Flawless. Sure. Amazing. This guy's turning coal into diamonds like fucking Superman. Let's listen. Flawless. Sure. Amazing. This guy's turning coal into diamonds like fucking Superman. But listen to verse two because verse two is the verse where we really start to get information.

Specifics. Not just hype, but specifics about his act. I was so surprised. I was hypnotized by the sound his pants put down. When I saw this short fat guy stretch a man between his toes. Wait. what? Whoa, wait, what? Wait, I'm sorry, excuse me? Okay, pause that.

This is a hit song. Sure. A huge hit song from the late 1970s. In the first verse, we learned what an amazing act we're about to see. We need to get dressed up. We need a hat and cane to go see this act. Okay, this is the act of the century. In verse two, we learn what the act is.

A short, fat man stretching a rubber band between his toes. Then, the piece de resistance, it finally reaches his nose. Finally. So they're going to a freak show. This is like a circus act. It's not like he's a three-legged man. He just is putting a rubber band between his toes. Yeah.

He could just be a very bored man in an office supply closet. Sure, yeah. Later you get to see his little pig made from an eraser. It is a truly boring. He's very good at paper football. So keep playing the song. And this is a serious. The Spinners are a serious band.

They perform serious love songs. This isn't a song by Alan Sherman. So I looked it up on the internet. The guy who wrote the song for the Spinners was okay.

And then he wriggles it up around his nose. How could he even it up. Around his nose? How could he even wriggle it to his nose? Up his gut? Yeah, boy. To his sternum? They seem to have unrealistic ideas of what a rubber band can do. Oh, absolutely.

No doubt about that. I'm guessing none of them have ever even seen a rubber band. Sure. They read it in the song like, oh, they all do that. Is this just a product of, you know, 70s psychedelics? Or is this also like a metaphor? Is this also like a Bob Dylan, I'm waiting on my man kind of thing? Or Velvet Underground, excuse me.

I'll tell you what the explanation is on Wikipedia. Okay. The explanation on Wikipedia, I'm going to open it up on the Internet so that I can tell it exactly. So turn the music up a little. One man, y'all. And then he had another twiggle in his left toe. But to his knee, he got a feeling in his head, y'all. Oh, come on, baby.

What? What? What the fuck? feeling in his head, y'all. Oh, come on, baby. What? What? What the fuck? I want to find myself

in the river. No, you'll never ever hurt the sound. The ad-libs are amazing. Sure. Because they have

all the commitment of soul music, but they're about a short, fat man playing a rubber band. Like, can you imagine being the baritone in the group? and you having to say what am i

harmonizing with and you just you get one line and it's like and he put it on his toes right right between his toes okay the song written by producer tom bell and singer-songwriter linda creed tom bell is a one of the most legendary uh vocal soul uh singer-songwriter Linda Creed. Tom Bell is one of the most legendary vocal soul singer-songwriter producers ever. Was about Bell's son who was being teased by his classmates for being overweight. Intended to improve his son's self-image, the song eventually evolved from being about the fat man to the rubber band man. Boy, yeah. I don't even see the journey of that happening. Well, I think it's mushrooms.

You eat a bunch of mushrooms and then you write a song and then. To be fair, this is like the late 70s. Probably cocaine. Angel dust. Angel dust, okay. These guys are at PCP lifting up cars and shit. Yeah, just writing songs. Yeah, so weird.

What part of that would improve? Is it that everyone enjoys his freak show so much? That the guy's going to put a fedora hat on and a silver tip cane to go see a fat kid. To be fair. Which then switched to rubber, that he's got some skill of playing a rubber band. I'm imagining a top hat, just so you know. FYI, a silk topper is what I'm imagining. Okay.

I was picturing a huggy bear. Oh, yeah, like a floppy. Sure. Yeah. Like a big late 70s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the kind with like a long velvet? You know that kind of hat that I'm talking about with like a long, soft,

like a plush. Something with some nap to it. Some weight, some expense. Exactly. Is this just a product of like, and I'm no music historian. I never claim to be.

If you want to talk to a music historian, Peter Goralnyics, your man. Sure. Yeah. Not Jordan Morris. Right. Lester Bangs might have a few insights, but not you. Is this just some sort of like I mean, I can't get away from the thought that this is some sort of like psychedelic thing or this is some sort of drug metaphor. Like, I mean, again, this is not the genre of music. This is not a Donovan song. You think they retconned.

Right. This is coded somehow. There is a period where vocal group soul music went psychedelic. There's a producer named Norman Whitfield who wrote some big Motown hits in the 60s. And then when Motown went to albums in the early 70s after What's Going On and Stevie Wonder. He produced some albums for The Temptations that had psychedelic themes. One's called Psychedelic Shack. That goes psychedelic shack, that's where it's at.

Psychedelic shack, that's where it's at. One's called Ball of Confusion. That's what the world is today. Itching off all my skin. Itching off all my skin is another one spiders get them off sure it's a sort of grand we used to use for the kzse news uh in at at our college station in santa cruz i used to use for the newscast music the intro to one of those songs it was called masterpiece from an albumpiece. And the intro that was just

a sort of a vamp went on so long that I could do the entire intro. I didn't have to edit it to make it. I could put down this record by the temptations, a singing group. None of them play instruments,

let's be clear. Put it down, drop the needle on it. I could do the whole newscast, like three, four or five minutes over the intro to the first song on the album. Like before the Temptations started singing, I could do the entire thing. And that was because of psychedelics and a sort of and a grand vision of self that one can only presume was inspired by cocaine sure so i guess so yeah so what are the what are the elements of psychedelic booze yeah you have that long vampy kind of um you know uh wall of sound this has a throbbing cocaine-ish beat sure yeah well but but then you just then you have you know kooky lyrics that you know are a metaphor for something this seems to have this seems to be a perfectly pleasant soul song.

Maybe they don't want to like freak you out. If it was like, he's a guy with knife face. There's no good thing. You'd be on your drugs and start like freaking out as opposed to like, oh, it's just a happy fat guy playing rubber band. Yeah. Or maybe there's a version of this song that does have sitars and rain sticks and flugel horns. You think this, what we just heard might be the cocaine remix.

Sure. There's like a mescaline remix. Right, right. I guess that's the track that I'm on right now. Okay. No, I think that's an interesting possibility. I wonder if what I think is he wrote, first of all, he knew he needed to have a fat protagonist. Sure.

A fat but beloved protagonist. Initially. A Falstaffian character. Initially, he tried to write a story song where the fatness was incorporated into what made the character so beloved. Then he remembered that people hate fat people. He remembered he himself even finds fat people disgusting and horrible. His own child was a disappointment to him, despite the fact that he was trying to encourage him. And so he then said, I'm going to need to give him some other admirable characteristic.

And he looked around and he's like, stapler? No. Yeah. Okay. Explanation no. Yeah. Okay, explanation two. Yeah. You know, I think it's kind of the showbiz explanation

for why the movie Prometheus is so weird is because it was a mashup of two different scripts. I guess someone had written this, you know, science fiction, the first humans story and then someone else had written an alien prequel. And they liked elements of both stories, but then just mashed them up into this one script that kind of didn't make a lot of sense.

I'm guessing these songwriters, you have a woman who wants to write this heroic – or I forget which songwriter it was. One wants to write the heroic fat son. Tom Bell wants to write about his son, the heroic fat boy. But then there's also – This is the chocolate in my peanut butter. Yes. Peanut butter in my chocolate. The hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero, the hero kind of confusing thing that is neither the one nor the other. So you think Big Rubber is behind this? Right. Well, Big Band.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Dana Snyder, PETA king. He is a real PETA king. I got a PETA truck. Pain in the ass, am I right?

Oh. Hey-o. This week's Jordan, Jesse, go brought to you by Marin on IFC. All new episode this Friday at 10 p.m. Hey, got some guest stars on this show, Jesse. Oh, yeah. What are we looking at? The Marin Show has a Judd Hirsch, Gina Gershon, Aubrey Plaza, Adam Scott will all appear on the Marin Show.

Dennis Leary, also a producer on the Marin Show. Fridays, 10 p.m., IFC. Also, we've got something up on the Jumbotron. Here's a message for Eliza Peterson from John. Congratulations. I'm going to say John B. Because, you know, in case she knows more than one John. Sure.

Congratulations, Eliza, on defending your Ph.D. And good luck in Seattle. I'll miss you. Especially our conversations about poo-poo. Makes me want to know what a Ph.D. was on. He wrote poop. I added an extra poo. He riffed a little bit.

I riffed. I wanted to say poo-poo. No, I mean, I support that decision. I just, and again, in the interest of clarity. She might know two Johns. She might have two different running jokes. One about poo, one about poo-poo. One could be her five-year-old nephew who would say poo-poo, and the other John is her, you know.

Sophisticated adult. Her lover, yeah. A 45-year-old man who would say poo-poo, and the other John is her, you know, Sophisticated adult. Her lover, yeah, 45-year-old man who would say poop. She also has a 5-year-old nephew who's a Samoan boy named Poo-poo. Poo-poo, yeah, with a U. Which could also lead to confusion. So there's a lot of problems. I just wanted to clear this up, so Eliza, hopefully, you know,

call us if you need any more information. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's quick, it's easy, it's cheap. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any of our showsumbotron, it's quick, it's easy, it's cheap. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to sponsor any of our shows at Maximum Fun, email our development director, the beautiful Teresa Thorne, at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dana Snyder, America's melodrama sweetheart. Really? Oleo. Yeah. The last one doing it. You're the, America's melodrama sweetheart. Really? Oleo. Yeah.

The last one doing it. You're the last one doing melodrama? That's right. Or Oleo, the brand of margarine. Yeah, no. Oh, yeah. What's that? Oh, yeah, Oleo.

My grandfather always said, get me the Oleo. I'd look in the fridge. I have no idea what he's talking about. What the hell is Oleo? He's like, he means the margarine. Oh. Yeah, that's weird. Your grandfather's like, I'm dying.

I think it's dropsy. You're like, I don't know what that is, Grandpa. I know it's dropsy or consumption. I'm going to go play pong. Give me the borax. What? Yeah, go outside and play with your hoop and stick. I'll just sit here and eat soap flakes.

What? What? Hand me my powdered toothpaste. My tooth powder. I'm sorry. Excuse me? Perhaps. I'm out of here.

I gotta go to a different thing from the 70s. Well, no breakfast cakes for you. No breakfast cakes for you.

And don't mess with my spats. I just had them pressed along with my collars which were not attached to my shirt. I'm going to see the rubber band tomorrow.

I bet that's just like a flop house where they did heroin, right? Like, oh, going to see the rubber band, man. Oh, and you tie off your thing to get a vein. Maybe that's it. No, I think if it's a hustler guy. Okay.

But I do think that could be the guy you go to to score. Uh-huh. Right? Could hold the, yeah, I'm going with this one now. He puts that tube to close to get his vein to pop out.

He puts one edge between his toe and the other one in his mouth. Maybe, yeah, maybe he's just trying to find different veins in different places. Maybe the ones on his arm I think that's true. Your toes and the nose. Dist Maybe, yeah. Maybe he's just trying to find different veins in different places. Maybe the ones on his arm are distended. I think that's true. Your toes and the nose. Yeah.

The nose is a great place for, of course, cocaine. Oh, and then there's that line we didn't listen to. He's like, and then he puts it under his balls. That makes a lot of sense now. Yeah. I guess it does now. It's harder to find a vein. Puts it under his balls.

Is that what they do? Yeah, I think that's a junkie thing is when they run out of veins, they get to go like- The last vein. That's the one under your balls, yeah. You know you've hit rock bottom when you're injecting something in your tape vein. The black tar vein. Yeah, right. Right into the gooch.

Yeah. Ooh, I really got to quit this. One more. No! No! Wow. I knew about between the toes, but none of the balls. Yeah, yeah. I did not know about.

Thank God you didn't. When something momentous happens to you, let's just say the first time you run out of veins and you got to shoot up under your balls, of veins and you've got to shoot up under your balls. We ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org for momentous occasions. We've got three telephone calls this week.

Thomas, why don't you run out of that first one? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Elizabeth in Oregon. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I just saw a bald fucking eagle soaring majestically through the air. It was amazing and beautiful and a line of cars stopped to

watch it. Nature! Okay, love you guys. Bye. Number one, love you too. Yeah. Number two, great work. This is the kind of momentous occasion. We're looking for this in the inspirational momentous occasion. Yeah, patriotic a little bit. On eagle's wings, we soar.

Nature is immediately sending it to the digital forum. Sure. By pulling the cell phone out and calling a podcast. Oh, my God, it's beautiful. I got to text this, too. Yeah. Hey, I actually had a couple momentous occasions. Sure.

My wife is going to have a second child. Congratulations. Thank you very much. It will be an eagle. That's right. God-fucking-eagle. The test just came back. It's a Kazaki golden eagle.

Oh, that's really great. And they're endangered, so that's awesome that she's... They are. Yeah. And we just had an offer accepted on a house. Check it out. We're buying the house next door to our house. Well, hey, that'll make it easy.

I know. Yeah. We're still going to hire movers, though. Yeah. That's the complicated part. You got them to come and like, all right, you know, we get $10 a mile. Do you think you could just open your house's window and then the other house's window and toss a lot of it through the window?

There's some kind of chute through the two that you can just sort of like those, like the old at the breweries where the boxes of beer would go down with all the wheels on it. Right. It's like slight incline. If I could bring in Laverne and Shirley on this thing, I think I've got it made. I don't think I need the movers. I still think they have one of those at the Sears at Burbank at the mall in Burbank. When you get a bigger item, there's one of those weird wheel things that the thing will – you know, your microwave or whatever.

Right, sure. Can I ask you a question, Dana? This came up for me, I think, just on Never Not Funny with our friends Jimmy Pardo and Matt Belknap. I think that's where this came up for me. But it's something that's really been bothering me. And I haven't gone to Google to type it in yet. Is this a real type of store? You get a big catalog.

And I'm asking you this because you got a couple years on me so you were more sentient than i was when i think this was a thing you get a big catalog you mark what you want in the catalog then you bring it to a counter in a store like the store is just a counter like yeah like the counter in an auto parts store. Right. You give it to the person. They're like, you want a 224, a 421, and it's 963. And that's like an electric tea kettle, a Hot Wheels set, and a personal massager. Right. And you give them, you know, you pay for it. They go in the back and someone brings it out for you from like a warehouse or something that's in the back.

Like the world's cheapest store, basically. Yeah. No floor models. Yeah. It's like a pre-Costco Costco. I feel like I do remember some kind of place like that. I think it's real. I think it is real.

Isn't that like what Sears started out as? I think that's real and unicorns aren't. Yeah. That's what I think. I'm not sure on either one. No, unicorns work at those Yeah. That's what I think. No, no. I'm not sure on either one. No, unicorns work at those stores. That's who you get the catalog to. That's why you can't see it.

That's why everything has a big hole in the middle of it. Well, they're very efficient. Because they carry it with their horns. They're very efficient with the stocking and things, but they're terrible customer service. So they just keep them in the back where they don't have to deal with people. I know in my head. They're always high. They're still getting high.

Yeah, exactly. In my head, I know exactly where this store is. Yeah. Which is if you start at Mission Savings and Loan at the corner of 16th and Mission, which is a Citibank or something now, and you cross the street towards the BART station entrance in San Francisco, and you go to the left, there's like a sort of an alley you go down, and then there's storefront is right there. It's right next to where there's like a Walgreens. It seems like, yeah.

I feel like it's one of those, too, like a place you get, like, your Pepperidge Farm fruit baskets and, like, a weird, like, gift. Oh, yeah, we got those in the back. Some weird, like, catalog only, but they have one store somewhere that, like... How about a special edition Cadillac?

Exactly. It'll be around front. I'm thinking just a giant kind of tin of peanut brittle. Yes. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. All that.

The tri-flavored popcorn in the tin with the caramel and the cheddar and then the boring. Like a huge inflatable home swimming pool. Like a huge one with 20 feet across. Yeah. That's what you get at this store. I think it's real. Yeah. It's a lap pool.

Like basically maybe not as expensive or fancy stuff as like a Brookstone. Weird. Weird. Well, it was – this was – let's just say this wasn't a Brookstone type neighborhood that I grew up in. Yeah. Wasn't – isn't that what I. If they sold butterfly knives and those combs that slip over your middle finger. Yeah. Those would be the two most important.

Those are hard to find these days. I guess what I'm thinking of like a, like a cowboy movie, someone going to the general store and saying to the guy, I need a, you know, bag of feed and a length of rope. Maybe this was just the, the time between Sears and Old West General Store was this other thing where you still went up and said. I feel like at some point there – I remember one – I feel like I remember one of these in Las Vegas. But it was some really national catalog store that just had catalogs but then they would also have like like this was their shipping center but you could also go in instead of having it shipped if you were lucky enough to live in the town where this thing was you could like go in and get it be like you could go to

like amazon today if they had a little like how the bakeries would always have the outlet right in the back like right that kind of thing like attached to the back of this warehouse for some horrible- You can get all these day-old washing machines. Yeah, exactly. Right. I was driving to Palm Springs recently, drove past the Skechers factory, or at least Skechers World headquarters. Was Joe Montana working there?

Yeah, I saw Joe Montana. Greeter out front. He gave me a nice firm handshake. Sure. Speaking of firm, you should get a load of his butt since he started wearing those crazy shoes. Didn't he get sued because those don't work? Did he get sued personally? I think he got sued.

Why would you sue Joe Montana? I think because he said that those shoes worked and they don't. I could be wrong about that. Let's Google that. That seems wrong to me. What I think is really great about those shoes is that the principle behind those shoes is it makes it hard to walk. That's the fitness principle. It's like what – you could do any – like you could also just wear snowshoes all the time.

You could put glue on the bottom of your shoes so it's harder to pick them up. You could be constantly spinning. There's a thousand ways that you could make your walking 5 percent less efficient. Or take the stairs sometimes. Yeah. Get off one stop earlier. Park at the back of the parking lot and walk up. I think it's a real type of store.

Yeah. Me too. But there's a thing. Like anything that happened before you were seven might or might not be real. Yeah. I think they're real. Including abuse. That's right. Sure. I think they're real. Including abuse. That's right.

Sure. I think they're real. I seem to remember someplace like that, too. Yeah. Do we have a beat on what's the Joe Montana thing? Skechers sued, oh, Skechers got sued for Joe Montana ads for a $40 million settlement. Sure. That's nothing for the Skechers people.

Yeah, and they're still selling those shoes, right? Those guys are rolling in shit shoe money. Yeah, they're still selling those, right? I mean – I – there would be few brands for which I have less affinity than Skechers. However – Airwalk. Airwalk.

That having been said, I think I prefer Airwalk. Yeah. Retro thing now. Sure, yeah. Way cooler than Skechers. Airwalk is kind of like kitschy and fun. Look I prefer Airwalk. Yeah. A retro thing now. Sure, yeah. Way cooler than Skechers. Airwalk's kind of like kitschy and fun. Look at my Airwalks. I mean, possibly Big Johnson.

Sure. But I was happy to see a factory. You know, his casino, you can get liquor in the front and poker in the rear. What I liked about the- I remember as a kid getting that for the first time and just being, yes, yes. Like it really felt like I had accomplished something. You'd really moved up from big dogs. I get this grown-up shirt.

I was really happy to see a factory store at a factory. Yeah. And it made me feel really good about things. Because if you go to the factory outlet mall, most of the stores are selling goods made for the factory outlet mall. They're not selling leftovers. The good stuff, which was like, wow, this was $300 and now it's $50 because they took it back from the – Yeah, there's very little of that at the factory outlet. There's a lot of stores now that have more factory outlet stores than actual stores.

Nordstrom now has more Nordstrom racks than Nordstrom's. Anyway, what's our next call? Hi Jordan, hi Jesse, hi Gus. This is Dan from Iowa with the Momentous Occasion. I recently started beekeeping and I checked my bees today for the first time and the queens are out

and they're laying eggs. So, yay for me. Have a good one. Bee caviar for everyone. Yeah. Quick, eat this. Scramble up those bee eggs. Do you think he's going to send us some honey?

I hope so. I think he's now... Hopefully, yeah. Just a box of bees. We open the box, and they all go in our face. This is like a... Jump in the lake. Nice package.

Yeah, right? That's how we get rid of the bears. I think he'll send us some honey. I hope so. I think if you... Here's a general rule. If you're out there in the Jordan Jesse Go listening audience, and you have bees that make honey, and you haven't sent us honey yet, WTF. Huge mistake.

Huge mistake. Get on that. Hey, put it in a bear, too. People send us candy from Japan, and you can't be bothered to send us honey. Which you're rolling in, by the way, because the bees literally shit it out. You don't need that much honey. Stop hoarding all of your honey. I want to know when you become a beekeeper, though. Does that become everybody you know is like, oh, where's my free honey? Because we've been friends for 15 years. You're like, hey, I've been trying to make this because I'm trying to make some money, go to the farmer's market once a week. And now I've got all my lecherous scumbag friends who are just like vultures.

Is it honey, Red? Oh, yeah. All those honey freeloaders. Yeah, right. All those honey freeloaders. Yeah, right. All the honey freeloaders. I got some inside information on this. My sister-in-law lives in a house and her landlord, Will Rogers, the chairman of the Trust for Public Land, where I used to work, is an urban beekeeper. It's not that urban of a situation.

We're talking about the Berkeley Hills, but a relatively urban beekeeper. Yeah. And she says that his shed is full of honey. He gives it away to all the donors for the Trust for Public Land. All the major donors get honey, and he still has honey left over. He doesn't know what to do with it. So if you're out there, no excuses. And you can send it to us in the honeycomb so we can do that thing where you chew the...

Oh, I want mine in a bear. You want yours in a bear? Yeah. Maybe both. You wouldn't settle for a mason jar? No, come on. Bear, right? I'd pick a mason jar. I gotta stick to my guns on this, right? Honey comes in a plastic bear. I'm sorry.

If you get it in a mason jar, then you get to get a piece of honey coated in the honey. You know what, Mike? I have a general opinion. This is not going to be popular, but I got to tell it like it is. You're straight talking. Too much shit comes in mason jars these days. Everyone's giving you something in a mason jar, and they want you to be delighted by it.

I was the first 9,000 times, but now all this shit's in a mason jar. More things need to come in bears and other animals. Mammals specifically. No reptiles, no amphibians. Give me something in a container shaped like a popular mammal. Can I ask you an important question? Yes. Marsupials?

That's a gray area. Koala bear? Oh, yeah, sure. If I could reach into its pouch and grab handfuls of jam, then I would. I'm getting up inside you, platypus. Sure. Give me your sweet platypus jam. Lay some eggs in my mouth.

But seriously, send us some fucking money. Address is on the website. Get on it. Just do it now. Find something else to put things in other than mason jars, too. And not just you, Dave from Iowa. Isn't he Dave? Yeah, baby.

You could be a giant man baby. Yeah. That'd be a funny theme of a bar. You know how they have those old-time cocktail bars where you get the mint julep in the mason jar? They have a baby bar. What about it? Where you get a gin and tonic and a baby bottle. Baby one is scotch.

Yep. You know what? Our fucking after-hours business yeah is is fucking about to blow up yeah because between dorothy's sure secret gay bar the secret gay bar or classic gay bar rather this is a gay bar this is a gay bar that we're gonna open and the theme is gay bar pre stonewall so you get all of the comfort of knowing that you're in a major city, you're unlikely to be gay-bashed,

the police aren't going to come in, etc. But you get to do stuff like jack people off behind a newspaper. Totally okay. Yeah, it's totally... It's even encouraged. Because it's fun! Subterfuge is fun when the danger isn't real.

It's like those weird services that kidnap you. Yeah, right. That's exactly what it's like. It's like a Michael Douglas game situation. Sure. That's exactly what it's like. For gay guys. But I mean, what's nice about it is, for the kidnapping service to work, you have to be

turned on by kidnapping, which is a really specific thing. For ours to work, you just have to be gay. Yeah. You just have to be a dude that wants to suck a dick. And I guess nostalgic. But I mean, Mad Men, I mean, the culture is taking care of that for us. Sure, right, exactly, sure. Suit, put on us.

Everyone wants to put on a suit and tie, even Justin Timberlake. Sure. You know what I mean? I think you know what I mean. He wrote a song about it. If you're out there and you have honey, you have pickled beets. I also want pickled beets. I will also take some pickled beets.

You also want pickled beets? Yeah. It should be in a wolf. You want pickled beets in a wolf? Yeah. I'll take pickled beets in a mason jar. So if you want to send me two jars of pickled beets in mason jars, go to town. Will you transfer one of them to the wolf then to share?

No, I mean, I don't have a wolf, Dana. Well, you can just dump them out in a bowl. So your choices are. Don't tell me they were in a mason jar and then I'm okay with it. You're just going to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears. A wolf bottle or just a bowl. Yeah. Either or. As long as they're not in the mason jar. I'm okay with it. You're just going to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears. A whole bottle or just a bowl. Yeah. Either or.

As long as they're not in the mason jar. I'm a principled man. There's a Ziploc bag full of pickled beans. Guys, I got a Zanku chicken down the block. I got pickled beets coming out my ass, okay? I'm not going to. One important thing to say, number one, you have pickled Persian cucumbers coming out of your ass. They have pickled beets at Zaku.

They do? They do, yeah. They're real good. Are they? They're very tasty. Woody, do you have to order them special? No, they just give them to you. No, they give you pickled cucumbers and radishes and shit.

I think it's beets. I don't think it's beets. You dip them in a little hummus? I don't think those are beets, Jordan. Okay. Well, Google this. This is, yeah. It could be. Okay. I don't think those are beets, Jordan. Okay. Well, Google this. This is, yeah. It could be. Okay. I don't think they're beets. I think it's listeners that

have to send us the pickled beets. Okay. We can't just get these. No. We can't just acquire these for a nominal price. I'll accept jams and jellies. Huh? How about my friend makes very delicious smoked cherries. Smoked cherries? That sounds good. For, you know, Manhattans and things. But he's a big smoked cherries. Smoked cherries. That sounds good.

Manhattan's and things. But he's a big grill barbecue guy. They would definitely come in a mason jar, though. I'm not going to lie to you about it. I got to stick to my guns. If the paparazzi snaps a picture of me eating or drinking out of a mason jar. It's all over. They're beats. We have it confirmed.

Beets. I stand corrected. We have a listener who lives near me who once kindly brought me a brisket. That's nice. Wow. So if you want to send me a brisket in the mail, you're going to have to think about logistics. You're going to put some thought into logistics. Vacuum pack, dry ice happening.

Yeah, the whole nine yards. It's like I ordered some soft-shell crabs for my mom for Mother's Day from Maryland. She loves soft-shell crabs. So they're going to come overnight in the dry ice, et cetera, et cetera. If you're doing brisket, do that. And again, if you're canning at home, if you're putting up preserves at home, I really want you to think first about hygiene. at home, I really want you to think first about hygiene because I would hate to get a crippling disease or possibly even die because of your neglect. Some type of cross-contamination going on in the home.

If that happens, on my deathbed, I will curse you. And a podcaster's curse is very powerful. Sure. Second only to a Jewish sorcerer. We have one more call. Let's take our one last call. What's up, Jordan, Jesse, and guests? My name is Jessica.

I am right now living in Puerto Rico where I see a guy pushing a puppy in a toilet in a wheelchair. It was amazing. Wait, was the guy in the wheelchair? Was he like drowning a puppy that was wheelchair bound in a toilet? Yeah, how big is this toilet? Yeah. Well, how tiny is the puppy? Oh, boy.

So many questions. If you ask me, the whole goddamn territory is a toilet. I hate Puerto Rico and Puerto Ricans. All right, Grandpa. I don't hate Puerto Rico. No, they're great. I say make them a state. Yeah, let them vote.

Get some of that. They had a referendum. They said they want to be a state. I say let them be a state. Yeah. Let them vote. Get some of that. They had a referendum. They said they want to be a state. I say let them be a state. Hey, this was our last call, right? Yeah. I actually had someone tell me that they called in a momentous occasion. I had to say that we don't – I don't screen the calls personally.

Right. But – But you are very hands-on. But I am very hands-on in that I show up and do the podcast and then go home. Yeah. You collect a check. I collect a – and then go home. You collect a check. I collect a check. Yes, I do.

I cash a check. So, yeah. I mean, I have my hands in all sorts of pies. Podcast pies. A few mince pies. Yeah, a few mince pies. Sarah, who is a very nice lady who gives out the samples at my Trader Joe's, said she called in a momentous occasion the first time I came into the store. And it was really great.

That was a real thrill. Someone who gives out samples at your Trader Joe's listens to Jordan Jesse go? Yes. How come she hasn't run this up the flagpole? We've been needing to be sponsored by Trader Joe's for five years now. I know. Well, I don't know if she talks to their ad sales department. I'm sure she does.

I think she's in charge of samples, and she says she listens to the show while she's doing If they trust her with ricotta, with a nice ricotta, like a tortelloni. I know a lot of times, too, the executives, that's what they have them do so they can see the- Right. She's probably one of those- Going on on the floor. She's probably like the undercover boss.

Yeah, right. Undercover boss. Oh, yeah. Undercover boss. She did have kind of an undercover boss vibe. And like... She's got really nice shoes on, but she's just wearing her Hawaiian shirt and she's got stockings.

And she told me I was fired. Yeah. Which is weird because I was just shopping there. Yeah. Right. So, yeah. I love Sarah from Trader Joe's. Yeah, she's great man i wish there

was somebody to listen to jordan jesse go on my trader joe's you just come to the trader joe's to drive way way out of your way to come to the trader joe's on santa monica and la cienega you have an hour away from me but it seems worth it hey i'm hanging with sarah in retrospect it seems worth it somebody recognized me me at Costco the other day for Jordan Yes, He Go and wrote something on Twitter but didn't say hi. Yeah.

That seems like someone's going to murder you. Now, I'll be clear, they wrote something really nice on Twitter. It didn't seem like, but it still feels like someone's going to murder me

much more so than if they said, hey, it's funny to see you at Costco. I've had that happen a couple times and it's kind of – it's weird a little bit because then you're like – Wait, who's here? Oh, God. It was only five minutes ago. Yeah, like who is like watching you?

Also like – Yeah. I don't – I get recognized if I'm not in line at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater or what have you. We're talking about – someone says something to me once a month, twice a month. You get recognized by a specialist. Yeah. By someone who is a – Even more so than you, Dana.

I don't know. Maybe. I think podcast fame is one level below voiceover fame. I don't know about that. Late night cable voiceover fame. I think that's generous to podcasting. I think ham radio fame is above us at this point. We're all above book on tape. I got your ham radio card.

Are you blue balls? Yep, I am. Good buddy. Guilty as charged. Breaker, breaker. One minor, my friend. Iaker, breaker. Yeah, right. One minor, my friend. I don't know much about ham radio. But I, honestly, I was at Costco with my wife waiting to get my tire fixed.

And I got to tell you, it would have been real cool if somebody recognized me in front of my wife. That probably would have got me laid. Sure. You know what I mean? That's direct social currency. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only thing that keeps my wife with me is that she knows I'm the kind of important man. I get my Costco waiting in line for a chicken wrap. Yeah. That's the thing. You get recognized sometimes where you someplace you just don't want to be like hey uh you know buying

two bags of lettuce that uh like like it never sounds like all like well it was it is a sports car and when i get right judging the hawaiian tropic bikini contest on those occasions where i get recognized i do if i'm by myself i wish that there was someone with me that was being impressed right then that I was getting recognized because it happens infrequently enough that I feel like it's a demonstration of the fact that I haven't made a horrible choice in my life. And I need like – I would just – I would like it if every time I got recognized, one of my parents was there. Yeah, right. That's what I'm trying to say. Every time I got recognized, one of my parents was there. Yeah, right.

That's what I'm trying to say. Dana, that's why I kind of feel bad about what we did to you at Comic-Con because, I mean, I bet you could just cruise around that place fucking giving high fives like crazy. And we made you sit backstage in an uncomfortable tent. Stealing my pop chips. Stealing pop chips where you could have been out there just fucking, you know, pressing the flesh. I know. I get it. I'm like, I have specialist recognizers, too. They're very, we always like, how would you know what I would look like?

You got to go, you got to do the deep tracks. Look that shit up. You got to have the deep tracks. I think somebody, I imagine a big Dana Snyder fan is a real Comic-Con type, has a little bit of anger, is definitely marked by anger. You know what I mean? Not that it's their defining characteristic, but you can see it in their eyes. I don't know. I think it's more chill dudes.

Chill dudes? Like dudes who like to chill, right? Some of the guys I've met who have been very into Aqua Teen and Master Shake and I hear from on a regular sort of basis are pretty laid back. Yeah. But I think they have- You mean that they like to puff the gong. Well, actually, not even really, I don't think. Some of them- Yeah, they do. Well, certainly some of them do, obviously. They do like to puff the gong. Well, actually, not even really, I don't think. Some of them.

Yeah, they do. Well, certainly some of them do, obviously. They do like to puff the gong. The guys, I know a couple guys that they just, they're like, I think they know somebody who's like Master Shake, so they like seeing bad things happen to them. An obstinate jerk. Yeah, right, yeah. Or there's a guy like, oh, man, my friend Jerome is totally like that. And the guy who's telling you his friend is like that is actually exactly like that.

Complete a-hole. I like the idea that someone is telling you, I got this friend who is exactly like that. You're just nodding patiently. You're just waiting for it to be over. And then a human milkshake comes out. Green straw instead of cake yeah right whoa whoa like oh no he's a very nice guy i mean he looks like i mean visually just like him i mean technically the the real thing that's different about him is that he's a human milkshake not his personality so much.

There's a lot of people who are sort of belligerent, but there's not that many human milkshakes. So if you saw a guy that was a human milkshake, would you say, you know, that real belligerent guy? Would you say, you know, that guy who's like a man, but he's also a milkshake? Right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And Data Snyder, watcher of both of them. You were, yeah. You were watching. I'm in the perfect spot to of both of them. You were, yeah. You were watching. I'm in the perfect spot to watch both of you. Are you going to tweet later that you saw us but you didn't have the nerves to talk to us? That's right. I won't say who I saw yesterday. I'll just say.

Jordan, you're nice to everyone that comes up and talks to you, right? Oh, totally. Yeah, so am I. I mean, double nice if it's a Trader Joe's sample situation? Right, because then you're going to get double samples. You're getting double pita. Double cucumber salad, yeah. Double pita equals double nice is the Jordan Morris equation. Sure.

Oh, yeah. I'm totally nice. That's what you demonstrated using Feynman diagrams. Dana, it has been so fun to have you on the program. Well, it's a pleasure as always. As always. I've been on one time before, but it's still a pleasure. Well, it was fun that other time.

That's right. We got yelled at by that weird lady. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're probably not getting any snacks out of the gym this time. The thing is, whatever you guys were doing up there was far less interesting than what was happening, listening to this woman scream and yell along the side of the stage and the engineer just rolling his eyes. Well, we're glad we could provide that for you. Yeah.

I appreciate it. I'm sorry. That was so great that time that that happened. I mean it was sad that we didn't get to do the show. Sure. But I've never had something so noteworthy that I had so little emotional investment in. Yeah, it was. I think the good part about it was that it was real easy to just say, fuck it.

Yeah. I didn't. Right. We weren't getting paid. Right. We weren't like there was no issue. I guess like, you know, bad for the fans that showed up. Yeah.

Bad for our guests. But the fans that showed up got to have special one-on-one time with us. We went and talked to everybody, had a nice up. Yeah. And for our guests. But the fans that showed up got to have special one-on-one time with us. We went and talked to everybody, had a nice time. Sure. Even without being given a tiny cup of cucumber salad.

I want to point out, I do believe shortly after that it started raining, right? Yeah, it did. So the people who were there to watch would not have been able to... So you know what? Blessing in disguise.

Yeah. We got to eat at that sports bar for lunch. That was pretty good. The ESPN zone. Oh, yeah. We did go to the ESPN zone. It was like the Fox Sports at that sports bar for lunch. That was pretty good. ESPN. Oh, yeah. We did go to the ESPN zone. It was like the Fox Sports or something.

Oh, it was the Fox Sports Grill. Fox Sports Grill. Yeah, yeah. Pretty good wings. Pretty good wings. Not a bad wing. Well, I hope everyone will watch Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell on the Adult Swim Network. On the Adult Swim Network every Thursday at midnight.

Midnight. Thursday night, Friday morning. It might be on at 9 o'clock here, but I don't know how I understand. I don't know what happens in the middle grounds of the Central Mountains. Here's what's going to happen. You're in college. You're high. You're just trying to watch The Family Guy.

I'm going to watch The Family Guy. Then a bunch of weird fat red guys show up. You're very confused, but only for 11 minutes. And then you get your Family Guy fix. You're like the American dad, probably. That's right. It's been a pleasure. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, 206-9844-FUN, our telephone number. Thomas Matysik on the boards this week, in addition to production work from our beloved

producer, Sonny D. Brian Fernandez. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We will see you on the forum, at forum.maximumfun.org, on Twitter, where you will be tweeting with the hashtag JJ go and, uh, probably on Facebook and maybe a trader Joe's fucking nose. If you had more, I'm getting,

sometimes I go to the trader Joe's in Eagle Rock. Sometimes I go to a trader Joe's in Burbank and Toluca Lake. So if you work at the trader Joe's in Burbank, let's talk about action items here. You work at the trader Joe's in Burbank, let's talk about action items here. If you work at the Trader Joe's in Burbank or Toluca Lake, number one, I want you to be in charge of samples or have a high power position that can give me free Parmesan sticks. That's number one. Number two, I don't care what you're putting in a mason jar. Send it to me.

Just make sure I don't get botulism. Do the work ahead of time sterilize however if you have done that i don't care if it's creamed corn send it to me but mostly i want pickled beets and honey with a piece of the honeycomb inside address is on the website go to contact you know if you want to send us candy from Japan, that's fine too. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take pretty much anything you want to send us. Just don't send us any sarin gas. Sure. Ricin.

Yeah. Powdered ricin. Were you at UCSC when two people there had a running joke where they would borrow something from each other and return it by mail. And one of them borrowed a cup of laundry detergent and then returned the powdered laundry detergent by mail. I remember that. And they shut down the entire college. I remember that. Yeah.

It was like two weeks after the whole anthrax thing. It's like, dude, boy. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, as you go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.