Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 275: Ghost Zoo with John Roy

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

Comedian John Roy joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's coyote attack, Cumberbitches, HBO programming, and morning radio.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Beautiful day in Los Angeles, mid-80s. Yeah. Right? What's the humidity like?

It's a relatively low humidity. This is Los Angeles. This is not a particularly humid region. Oh, boy. And I'm in, like, stamina mode right now. Jesse, I know you're a non-drinker, so this isn't important to you. But, I mean, last weekend, Cinco de Drinko. This weekend, Mother's Day. I can't – I don't know when I'm going to recuperate. Just going to have a bottle of water.

Let's introduce our guest. You know him as a stand-up comedian traveling the nation and entertaining the people of this great country, Mr. John Roy. Hi, John. How are you, sir? I'm good. I want to let you guys know that these armpits and this T-shirt, you're going to watch a bad. If you got a high and tight and it's a heathered tee there's going to be

It's going to spread. How long before it becomes visible do you think? Because I'm not seeing any pitting out right now. Well, right now it's still confined to the non-visible portion of the pit if your arms are down. But it will creep around the border.

It will come out like the mustard on the burger when it finally comes down the side of the burger out of the bun. You will see the pittage. Jordan, you cannot fight osmosis. Hey, I don't want to try. Water wants to go where it's dry. And I cannot fight watching Osmosis Jones every time it's on FX. Love it.

Love it. Orlando Jones is probably in that. I don't know. Chris Rock is the lead star. Chris Rock is the star. They didn't go all Jones with the cast. They didn't do Orlando. And then, you know, I guess isn't.

Who are the other famous? David Bowie's actual name is Jones. That would have been a fun reference. David Bowie is in Osmosis Jones. They didn't know his last name was Jones when they cast him, though. So it's not technically an all Jones. Is he actually in the movie? No, I donJones film. Is he actually in the movie? No, I don't think so.

Is Orlando Jones in the movie from the 7-Up commercials? I don't know. Whatever happened to Orlando Jones? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, not like I was really watching him closely before. He was film's favorite genial black man for about a minute. Yeah. There was a four-day period in which that wasn't the case.

I would guess that Orlando Jones is one of these actors that just has a pilot every year that never goes. I think he's probably like the Judy Greer of, you know. So there's always

untitled Orlando Jones projects sitting at someone's desk being greenlit for no reason? Maybe one where he's a divorced dad, maybe one where he's a funny cop. I bet Orlando Jones is. How about a funny cop that's also a divorced dad?

Like, why not just go both of them? I like it. I like it a lot. I don't know. He's already an African-American gentleman. Can we get that to – Top lining this project. I don't think they want three characteristics from one sitcom.

He's already a black guy. He has the characteristic. Ethnic. We put that in the breakdowns. What else do you need? I just picture Orlando Jones not really working. He's got a pretty big house, though, because he was pretty successful. And he just kind of walks around sad in his house.

He opens his giant refrigerator. You know, like the kind that's built into the cabinetry. You know what I'm talking about. Do you think it would be depressing to live in a house built to celebrate a lifestyle you no longer have? Like you can afford it. It's not a question that you have to get rid of it. He opens the house. He opens the refrigerator.

Just the whole refrigerator is 7-Ups. Because he's still got the lifetime deal. He gets as many 7-Ups as he wants. The truck's going to come on Monday anyway. I might as well take him in the house. There's nothing wrong with 7-Ups. It's a refreshing soda. Do you think he conferred?

Godfrey calls him up and goes, Yo, man, the truck didn't come today. You've got to call him because I didn't get mine. Did you get yours? Because I didn't get mine. Did you get yours? And he's like, well, we've got to get to the bottom of this. I hear Gaffigan got his. Oh, that's Sprite shit.

That's Sierra Mist. Sierra Mist. Gaffigan calls him up and goes, where's my 7-Up? I don't have it. Well, I've got mine, guys. Okay, good night. Oh, commercial fun. Yeah. Jordan and Jesse go. Commercial, I've got mine, guys. Okay, good night. Oh, commercial fun. Yeah.

Jordan and Jesse. Commercial fun with lemon-lime sodas. Guys, if you notice I've got a little bit of the jitters, I survived a coyote attack today. Holy shit, for real? Yeah, totally. I'm sorry. Excuse me? No, a full-on coyote attack.

I think all of our mutual buddy, Eliza Skinner. Where were you? I just saw her last night. Yeah, she had a little B-Day picnic in Griffith Park. A lot of little dogs in attendance. Griffith Park is a huge park in Los Angeles that is a lot more rugged than most urban parks. Were you serving elk carcass? What attracted the coyote? I think there were a lot of rugged than most urban parks. Were you serving elk carcass? What attracted the coyote?

I think there were a lot of little dogs in attendance. They looked like little meals. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff going. I mean, but Griffith Park, the point is, you can go to places in Griffith Park where it is legitimately... Rural-y. Rural-y.

Jungly. Wildlife. Werewolf-y. Yeah, there's an abandoned zoo, even. There's a real zoo. Yeah, there's a real zoo and an abandoned one. Wait a minute. They didn't tear the other one down when they built a new one?

So I guess what happened with the old zoo was I guess before, you know, in the 1920s or something, zoos were not regulated. It just is a place a millionaire kept his animals and charged people to get in. So it had like, you know, just abhorrent conditions. I keep my monkey in a cupboard. You can see it if you want. Don't bother me. I've got trades from China. Two farthings.

And yeah, so I guess in Griffith Park, there's the remains of one of these eccentric, rich zoos where cholo teens go to make out and smoke weed. It's a lot of fun. How has nobody greenlit Ghost Zoo yet? Oh, I don't know. Like ghost lions attacking you? Dude, I dare you to go spend a night in Smokey Joy in the haunted zoo yet? Oh, I don't know. Like ghost lions attacking you. Dude, I dare you to go spend a night in Smoky Joint in the haunted zoo. No way, dude.

That's not really. And then they all die. That's a pretty. I mean, John, I think you just made yourself a bunch of money. Like that is a really solid idea. Well, I just figured you said it's an abandoned zoo. Yeah. And they hang out.

Teenagers hang out there. Aren't those Jumanji for teens? And if the animals were abused, all the better. If the eccentric weird rich guy was mean to the animals, then they're tormented lions and shit, so they really want— They've got baggage. Yeah. So that gives you the motivation of why they're scary. You know what?

You know, I hear this baggage. I'm thinking prestige cable drama. Oh. So these are not— Like that one that was set with the circus people on HBO? Right. Right. Isn't that going to be talking animals, though?

I mean, are they going to be scary anymore? No, it's like a Walking Dead situation. People are holed up in Griffith Park. They can't get out. They got to live inside the cages. And they only have so much weed. Will the weed run out? Showtime.

Okay, finish your group. I hijacked for a stupid green light joke. It was great. Yeah, God forbid we'd have a diversion on this show. Stick to the topic, God damn it. This show is a freight train and it's got to get to Columbus, Ohio. Last stop Columbus. Finish your anecdotes.

So, yeah. So we're in the park and this coyote comes up. A lot of little dogs in attendance. My favorite of which was Steven, Alan McLeod's dog. Sure. Have you guys met Stephen? He's a lovely dog. What do you think about human names for dogs? Like not doggy names at all.

Love it. I love a Stephen. So you like meeting Charles and Charles is a dog? Yes. Okay. I don't know if I'm on board with that. I have two dogs. They're named Coco and Sissy.

See, I like that because you're never going to think that you're talking about humans. Yeah. Well, I was hanging out with Dave. Oh, you're rude. No, he's a dog. I don't know. Are you talking about a semi-human like Ice-T's wife? Like Coco.

Like a cyborg. A semi-human. She's a cyborg. How's that girl you went home with? It's kind of a semi-human. Yeah, you know. All right. So this coyote comes just trotting dangerously close to the- How big are coyotes?

It's like a golden retriever. But not looking like a feral- It's not as big as a golden retriever. This one was about as big as a golden retriever. It was like the coyote Simba. This was like the big- This was like the queen coyote. Yeah, right.

Exactly. The queen of the coyote brood. Sure. Okay. Forgive me for ignoring it, but I think most coyotes I've seen have been animated by the Disney company. So the actual animal is wolf-like or fox-like? Yeah, I would say probably closer to wolf-like. Wolf, okay.

So it's a golden retriever-sized mangy-looking park wolf. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I think if you just saw it sideways, because there are a lot of- What color are they? Kind of gray. Gray. If you saw it just out of the corner of your eye, you're like, oh, that's just one of the

many, many dogs that people bring to this park. You may have actually seen a wolf, Jordan. Could have been a wolf. It's possible there's a wolf on the loose, and you should have notified the wolf authorities. Right. The teen wolf authorities. I should have called Michael wolf authorities right um the the teen wolf authority i should have called michael j fox or jason stark family i think right yeah who would be able to uh oh that's just my wolf i've got to go fight the lannisters thank you yeah um and then uh so this

this coyote or wolf comes over and uh and just looks back and goes, what do I do? And calmly? Yeah. Calmly. Yeah, very calmly. She was totally a – She's got her act together. I mean this is a woman who – she organized a walkout on a television program.

She's a calm, collected, clear-eyed – How did that go? Still going. We'll find out. No, she's a calm, collected, clear-eyed. How did that go? Still going. We'll find out. Okay.

So we just do a little bit of like the group does a little bit of scattered clapping, you know, and hey, hey, you know. Is that supposed to make it run away? I guess I always heard make yourself big. It's not an audition. It's a possible animal attack. Right. I always heard take your dick out. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I was thinking out. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was thinking make yourself big, so I was going out to the car to get my poncho. Sure. Isn't that the same as running away? No, I was going. No, I'm not leaving. I'm leaving to get something and come back and help you. It seemed like it because I was crying.

Is it possible that the E! Network sent this coyote to break up Eliza Skinner's birthday party? Could have been, yeah. He could have been. The walkout's still going. It's time for wild animal phase four. Is this a combination wolf slash Pinkerton is what I'm asking. Yeah, well, I mean, I do. Union busting wolves.

That's the new thing. I do hear that. We'll see those pinko union fucks how happy they are when the coyotes come. I guess Chelsea Handler can control animals with her mind. Sure. That was how she got the show. Right? She just sent in a family of bobcats. She can control animals.

The head of E was plagued by bats for a year and finally just gave her the show. Fine. Give her eight shows. Animals, gay men, and 40-year-old women. There you go. Great. That's the demo. Yeah. Okay. So you got a poncho. Meanwhile, the men, and 40-year-old women. There you go. Great. That's the demo. Okay, so you got a poncho.

Meanwhile, the coyote is still menacing your friends. So the coyote hears the scattered clapping, stops, and just kind of starts walking in the other direction. Just kind of going away from us. Which is what direction? Northwest. But I mean, like, what's west? I had my compass out.

Towards the forest? Hold on. Let's get... Towards other people? Yes. Towards... So we're at, like, kind of a picnic campground-y type thing. And he's going into the hills. Okay. Into the less populated.

Into the no picnic place. Right. Yes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so... But he has to cross this big field to get kind of up to the hills where it looks like he came down from. And in the middle of that field is a – I don't want to say teen but a young couple making out on a blanket. So this coyote is heading right for this young couple who don't see him because they're dry humping.

They're into it. They're dry humping. They're into each other. Yes. Did they have a lot of deli meats? Oh, yeah. I mean I think that's teens. Double jeopardy. They're dry humping. Did they have a lot of deli meats? Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that's teens. They're over sexting.

Teens don't sext anymore. They don't chat roulette. They deli rub, which is where you get a nice roast beef. Sure. Or a bologna. Have you tried bologna? It's, you know, I'm— The peppercorns are—

That's stimulating. Think of how awful the meat in bologna is for them to go, put some peppercorns in there too. It's not good. This isn't going to be that. Whole peppercorns. If you want them to eat it at all, we got to really improvise here. So everybody starts yelling at this couple. Like, hey, a coyote.

Hey, it's a coyote. And we start yelling this. And the Armenian hula hoop birthday party that's next to us. Yes, this has been going. That sounds like a show they would green light on. Yeah, I know. Armenian hula hoop birthday party. I'm like, where are the E cameras?

That's a half hour on MTV2. They also start yelling. We all join together. Us, the comedy hipster party and the Armenian hula hoop party join together to yell at this young couple who is – who just doesn't see this coyote. We're like, hey, it's a coyote. And the coyote is like circling them. It starts to like circle them. And they – and the guy sits up and he looks back at us and everybody yells, it's a coyote.

And he looks at the coyote and he just looks back at us and goes, he's cool. This guy was unfazed. I knew that. I've known that coyote for a while. Dude, he's chill. He's cool, man. Those two were just puffing a J right before he saw it. Yeah.

Look, you know, he just- He's got this coyote blaze all the time. He just wants to come to the park like us, man. Yeah. He just wants to hang out. He's an ultimate Frisbee team. I also, Armenian hula hoop party. I'm still picturing this.

It was. Yes, it was a run. A, how did you know they were Armenians? B, were they all hula hooping, like, constantly? Or they just had them by the blanket? They were Armenians because they had a lot of anti-Turk signs. Sure. They were picketing against the Turks. It was called hula hoop against Turks was the benefit.

Boombox blaring system of a down. Every Armenian guy except for one that I've met so far in L.A. had said that they knew Serge Tankian very well, which is impossible. And everyone I know from Long Beach said they knew Bradley Noah. possible and everyone i know from long beach said they knew bradley noel like it there are not enough he did not have enough time to sleep on that many couches for for this to for any of this to be true but every guy oh yeah dude they used to party all the time you know every uh every filipino i know is uh has some relationship to apple d app i love that Apple D app is still considered necessary to be in the band.

Will.i.am basically makes all of the music, gives some of it to Fergie to sing. Do you think the other two even come into the studio? Or do they just call me when it's done and I'll do the dance? They were dance friends. They were non-rapping dance friends. Did they rap when they were backpacker

rappers? Will.i.am was always a rapper. When they were hippie rappers, like, I don't even remember. I have Bridging the Gap on TV somewhere. He's been falling up, never falling down. Before the whole Fergie thing, did Apple D. App and the other guy rap, or was it still? They did always rap. They did. But Will.i.am was the one, like, in 1993, Will.i.am was writing raps for Eazy-E.

Oh, okay. Like, Will.i.am is a bad rapper. Don't get me wrong. Yes, he.i.am was writing raps for Eazy-E. Oh, okay. Like, Will.i.am is a bad rapper. Don't get me wrong. Yes, he is not. And I like some of their pop music just for pop music purposes. So do I. No, I think it's best case scenario. Bomb so hard I'm stepping on leprechauns is not, you know, that's not going to make Nas go, fuck, man. I got to really step up my game.

That's not going to make Nas go, fuck, man. I got to really step up my game. But Will.i.am was a rapper. Will.i.am's old. How old is Will.i.am? He's old enough that he comes from a time when rappers danced. When dancing and rapping were not. Some rappers danced.

I'm old enough to come from that time, too. Chuck D never did a fucking cabbage patch. But Chuck D had a team of dancers now that team of dancers they were dressed as militant they were dressed as a neo-fascist

black militant police force but you know but you know there was Scoob right isn't that

Big Daddy Kane's rapper I mean dancer dancer boy Scoob but anyway you're right I know what you're talking about I remember all that he. But anyway, he comes from an era when. No, you're right. I know what you're talking about.

I remember all that. You know, he's old enough that he comes from an era when rappers dance. And I think that Tattoo and Apple D. App were his dance team originally. And then he was like, well, we should all rap and we should have a hip hop group. Okay. But Tattoo and Apple D. App are even worse rappers than Will.I.Am. Well, you would think so that when you have Will.I.Am and they don't even really get to contribute at all and yet they're in all the photo shoots, like then something's wrong. It's an odd operation.

Well, I heard that Fergie, I don't know why I know so much about, but Fergie, she was like 35 and she knew this was kind of the last chance she had. So she was just hired to be a backup singer on that album and then held the tracks hostage and said you have to put me in the group or you don't get to use my vocals and it was a power play by her to and they said and so kind of a stark lannister situation kind of bringing it back thought about it and said no we'll yes we will put her in and that was probably the smartest thing he ever did but like it was literally her going, no, fuck this. This is my chance.

I'm too old to keep plugging away as a backup singer. Like we got to this got to happen. Yeah, I think they decide. I think the Black Eyed Peas as a group decided they were too old to be going from college town to college town. To the five people that were on the most deaf mailing list from last week. That portion of the underground hip hop audience that didn't care that they were bad rappers. I mean, Jurassic Five crowd. Is there a is there a strategy to keeping because Apple the app is Filipino.

Taboo is mixed mixed race. I think he's part Native American, part something else. I was going to say a light being from beyond the stars. Who was brought down from the mothership. Right. Too late. I mean, I guess I think about like the Fast and Furious franchise. Why would you ever think about that?

Why would that cross your mind? I do. I need it to get hard, John. I need to think about which era. The Vin Diesel still is your boner. Right, yeah, the Diesel Rock. I think of those two fucking steak men pounding each other. So that movie, its crew has grown exponentially.

It's like there's a Chinese guy in it and there's a Hispanic guy in it and there's a couple of reggaeton artists that now will steal cars. Is it just because like they're like, OK, well, Americans will like this because of the American people. But, you know, these stars in other countries, is that a. I find the entire Fast and the Furious thing to be bizarre because the actual people that trick out import small cars for racing are exclusively Asians. And yet they made a movie with that hobby as front and center and made sure that they were white people and black people. It's a bed of time. It's not only in the, I've only seen Fast Five, which we discussed on this very program.

And I will say I enjoyed Fast Five. You and almost all the country, I think. I mean, I don't watch them, but I don't care. I was surprised at how – I went to see it because there is a great movie theater by my house where movies cost $4 Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So you just see Yentl there. Fuck it. Like, whatever. Yeah, it was before –

It's a movie. I'm going. So you just see Yentl there. Fuck it. Like, whatever. Yeah, it was before my son was born, and we just thought any movie that won't be actively horrible, we should just go see it because we're never going to get to go see a movie again. Which prediction has come true? Which was true. And I was surprised at the variety of—they represent every kind of custom car culture in the movie. It's like, oh, this guy rides a lowrider. This guy has a Mustang.

Do they have Southern white boy muscle car guy in the movie? Yeah. I think that's Paul Walker. That's what Paul Walker does. Because if you think real rugged Alabama guy, Paul Walker comes to mind. That's the guy you'd cast. Sure. Yeah.

Roll Tide, says Paul Walker. Right. Well, I would say, is this a Black Eyed Peas strategy where you can increase your reach? Oh, it's a united bad musicians of Benetton? No, I think that's why they added Fergie to the group. They added Fergie to the group because they needed a white person and a lady. However, I think that before that, they came from a legitimately multi-ethnic hip-hop community. Which was also their selling point for the whole hippie rap thing was that, look, we're different.

Sure. But I think that makes – basically, yes, you're right. That was the – Thanks, guys. Thanks for the fist pound, too. I thought you were going out for it. Oh, I'm just leaning my hand To the listeners Jordan put his hand out But he had a fist

But it was sort of If there wasn't a microphone That he was resting his hand on It would look like I was He went out for the fist bump Hey John Yeah We bumped

We really did it Thanks I like how this is positive in here This is feeling good I feel like we're like The Fast and Furious crew I feel like we're inside A Black Eyed Peas album

Yeah Cool Do you like how I somehow good. I feel like we're the Fast and Furious crew. I feel like we're inside a Black Eyed Peas album. Do you like how I somehow ran into a roadblock halfway through that sentence? Forced callback is always fine, though. Peas? Like a Black Eyed Peas. Oh, boy. I do own it.

Only group named after a side dish, I think. Sure. The yams. That's not anything. I like the old yams better than their new stuff. Yeah, sure. Back when the yams were underground.

When it was more about the yams. Right now people are emailing us. What the fuck, dude? Here's mine. Corn on the side. You've never met my band? Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse. Go. I'm Jesse Thorne. Every week,

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It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am Goh. Holy shit. John Roy just rewrote the book on introducing yourself on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I thought that gag would have been done since the 30s if this had been going. I thought that was going to be, oh, you're doing the go gag?

Jesus, what are you? Yeah, this used to be Jordan, Jesse, go. At least do miserly Jew. Jordan, Jesse, miserly Jew. Now that's a fucking act. Brought to you by Borax. So I'm sorry. I mean, not to say that what I did was funny.

Neither of you laughed. No, we were just amazed I was impressed Because you said it With such conviction It was like it was Your Fighter pilot nickname

Oh like I was Go Because I was like The hot head of the group And I was always out ahead You gotta look out for Go He's not gonna Follow protocol He don't stop man

He go That's the The side character Like in the Kind of intro scene. That's Orlando Jones. Yeah, that's Orlando Jones. We have a fighter pilot character for you. Yeah.

Unfortunately, your nickname is Dark. We don't. Do you still want to do that? It's like, how much 7-Up do I get? What I don't like, I think the that the casting people have decided that we're over racism now they're going right back to the racist things that you would think we would avoid now like i watched this cartoon and like they had a magic black man who turned into a talking tiger with a black guy voice i'm like this shouldn't this shouldn't be uh loud this is not a

good thing right and i guess the argument for that would be if you're pointing it out, you're probably racist. Why can't the tiger be black? I didn't see anything wrong with it. I don't have anything wrong with it. He's an African animal. You made him black. Isn't that weird a little bit? Yeah.

No, no. What was the cartoon? It was a superhero cartoon. It was Shazam and Superman, and Shazam was helped by a homeless black dude. Shazam has a cartoon? They all got cartoons now. Captain Marvel? Hell yeah. Dude, if you have a From 1923? Yeah.

And from 1977. Like, I don't know. Do you remember the Shazam cartoon? It was a live action. It was a live action? For like two years. And he had long hair. He was in a van. He was in a van? Yeah. He was following the Doob he had long hair. He was in a van. He was in a van. Yeah. He was following the Doobie Brothers on tour.

He was just helping people who had bad acid trips. He was getting them to chill out, Ted. Dude, I have a magic word. It'll make everything chill. Just say Shazam, and the trip's cool, man. Now, are we going to go see the Allman Brothers in Denver or what? What is Captain Marvel's superpower? He's just like Superman, right?

No. Well, yeah, but they get to it. Number one, point of clarification. His name's Captain Marvel, right? Yes. And someone says, like a little boy says Shazam to bring him into the world? Yes. The little boy turns into him.

And he looks like an adult version of that little boy. You know, I just got done reading a book about Superman called Superman, The Unauthorized Biography. This is the one co-written by one of the hosts of our friends at the NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour, right? Yes. Yeah. It's Glenn Weldon. It's a very, very cool book. I guess Captain Marvel was created by a rival comic book company when Superman got popular and was a blatant Superman ripoff.

And I guess when a boy, when a young boy says Shazam, he turns into this kind of hulking. Shazam stands for, this is how geeky I'll get. Okay. The powers of Shazam are the wisdom of Solomon, the something of Achilles, the power of Zeus. The weakness of Achilles. The weakness. What did I get from Achilles? Well, you got the heel thing.

But what about the, no, that's it. Can I just not have that? It's like Zeus, Atlas, and Mercury. Now, I don't know why it's one Jewish guy and five Greeks. But that is the way. The strength of Atlas. Hercules is the way. The strength of Atlas. Hercules is the H. The insecurity of Marc Maron.

Yes, the insecurity of Maron. Yes, the egotism of Pete Holmes is the H. So, yeah, so I guess DC bought Captain Marvel. They sued the shit out of him. And then after the end of the legal battle, they bought Captain Marvel. Now they just call him Shazam because they don't want to be confused with Marvel, the other comic company that's there. Right, right. Anyway, they gave him a cartoon.

But in the 70s, he had a live action show. He had long hair and he talked to something in the sky. And I'm sure if I watch it. Whoa, whoa, what did he talk to in the sky? Some sort of advisor. Wolf. Oh, shit. Just as I suspected suspected that was all that setup was for that's why you said shea wolf i just wanted you to say wolf because i wanted it to be a wolf imagine a world because i got the thing like i wanted to live in a world where shazam talks to

a wolf you can live in that world nobody's gonna what i understand Shazam talks to a wolf in the sky. You can live in that world. Nobody's going to really – From what I understand, Shazam just talks to a wizard. Yes. It's a wizard. Yeah. Why does he talk to the wizard? The wizard gave him his powers. I don't know.

Who cares? The wizard gave him his powers. The point apparently – You were watching a children's cartoon about it. I like marijuana. Fair. Fair. Wait.

So in the 70s TV show, does this have like – I imagine this as kind of having – being a superhero show with the production value of like a Chips. No, go lower. This was Saturday morning. Oh, okay. So it had the production value of like fucking – Sigmund and the Sea Monster. Of Siskel and Ebert. I mean they were trying to make a superhero show the way you and I in a van and two cameras and like one part of L.A. would make.

It actually starred Gene Siskel as the wizard and Roger Ebert as Shazam. He had the curmudgeon list of H.L. Mencken. But, yeah, I'm sure if I watched it now, it would look unbelievably ridiculous. And I can't imagine what the flying looked like. But I was three. I don't think a three-year-old has the ability to discern bad special effects. I watched old school Doctor Who and never saw that it was cardboard monsters. My grandmother liked Doctor Who.

Yeah, yeah. My grandmother liked doctor that's kind of cool and all creatures great and small they had the same guy in them i bet i think they're probably peter davison who played the veterinarian on all creatures great and small was doctor who for about three years he's the blonde guy with the cricket sweater maybe she just liked that guy that's possible but she might have followed him into Doctor Who and then go, oh, I like this too. But, you know. He's talking trash can robots. Yeah.

I think they're like Doctor Who. Not as much animal friendliness, but, you know. I think Doctor Who is like, I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, like hardcore sci-fi people like it. You know, people who like Ender's Game and stuff too. But also just like there is a class of old person who just watches anything british right because it's class but now they figured out how to get like the nerd hipster girl to like it by making the doctor someone you want to fuck yeah and then so then on all these girls now like it colin

yeah like oh i kind of want to fuck that skinny british guy who has a time machine oh oh to be to be a skinny brit British guy in a major city in 2013. It's big time, right? Everywhere. Hong Kong, Singapore, you're getting pussy. Hello? Oh, I'm just working up

at Barclays. Can I get a point in here? Oh, you all want to fuck me? Allow me to remove my many scars. We had Benedict Cumberbatch on Bullseye last year. That's awesome.

Can I plug the fuck out of Sherlock? Get on your Netflix right now and watch all the Sherlock episodes because they're the balls. I like them. It's a very fun show. And Benedict Cumberbatch is excellent in it. And, you know, we put our interviews on SoundCloud. And audio content doesn't ever go that viral. And, you know, you can always just download the podcast

if you want to hear the whole show. So often something on SoundCloud, it'll get 1,000 listens or 800 listens when we put it up on SoundCloud. The Cumberbatch interview is up in the 30, 40, 50,000 range. And apparently it's because there's a group of people who call themselves Cumberbitches. If only you could have a last name that could somehow be used.

Like, none of us can do that. You can't be. We're Morris Sluts. To be fair, he has a last name. In fact, a full name that suggests that he's a cartoon walrus. He also has a name with every letter of bitch except one, so it's the easiest substitution you can possibly make. Yeah, that's a good point. I like him.

He's good. I'll tell you, he does the Sherlock Holmes money shot where Holmes looks at five things about you and tells you everything about you. Holmes comes up. But that is. Well, there's that one, too. That's in the slash fiction version. We're not going to go into that. But there is, you know.

H slash W. Mr. Holmes, the game's afoot. Oh We're not going to go into that. But there is, you know. H slash W. Mr. Holmes, the game's afoot. Oh, I don't want to do that. Sir Arthur Boner. Okay. Bonin. I changed it to Bonin. But you know, in every Holmes thing, the big thing they go for is the moment where Holmes goes,

I can see by your left shoelace that you're from Thailand or whatever the fuck. Right. Cumberbatch does that better than any actor that's ever played him. He does it with absolute conviction. It's just awesome. Yeah. He's wonderful. Do you think the Cumberbitches are just – do you think their interest expands to any man that seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum?

Do you think that that's what they're into? They're into the emotionless? Plus pale, very pale. Yeah. I don't know, maybe. Well, then who else would that include? Obama? I mean, like, well, you know, like, he's skinny,

and he kind of talks in a very monotone way until it's time to make the speech, and then he turns into the Obama Hulk. I mean, you, who isn't it? I would do it with Obama. You'd do it with Obama? He's handsome. We owe it to him.

Because of Obamacare, he's the president. You know, honestly, when that kicks in, I'm going to be very grateful. And if he needs a handy or something for the exchanges. Serious question. Yes. The president of the United States asks you to do sexy stuff. I'm not talking about like just – With the president.

With him, yeah. I'm not talking about like – not necessarily. I don't know if you're a gay man or a straight man. The current president, I am a straight man. Okay. So you're a straight man. So I'm not talking about full-time, first-time anal sex, like painful just why do you assume it's the first time? I'm just saying, I don't, I'm not, um, I'm not asking you to, to, to take it hard for

a long time. I'm just talking about like whatever it is that he wants. Like, it's probably like kissing and touching. What, what, what, why is it's a national security thing. I'm doing this for the country? Or just he asked me because we were in the airport. You just both happen to be. You're both in Kennebunkport.

You're hanging out at. You're hanging out at the vacation place. And Obama just goes, come on, you know, maybe. Why not? I got a bottle of yellowtail. You've had some sangria. We've had some wonderful tapas. Biden's on the clock.

He's the designated president. Joe, I'm going to get a handjob from this bald guy. Could you take the reins? I'm concerned, deeply concerned. Yes, I will do that. I think I would do it. Why? You have to give me a bigger motivation than that.

He's the president. Why would you just fucking any handsome You have to give me a bigger motivation than that because if that, then why wouldn't, why wouldn't you just fuck any handsome guy who asks you for a team? Everyone does everything. But for the story, so you can go, he'll play a nine to ever, I got one.

Like, why, like, what? You know. I might, I'm like at least on the Kinsey scale, if 10 is straight, I'm at least a nine. But like, I don't know.

At least, at least a nine. He's handsome, I don't know. At least a 9. He's handsome and graceful. But then why wouldn't you do that with any guy who was in a similar – Why does the detail of him being the president – Because when you told me the story, I thought you meant, like, okay, the bomb is going to hit Cleveland unless you jerk me off. And I'm like, well, it's national security, and then I do my duty. But you meant just because he's cool.

No, because he's the president. So the status makes you want to make out with him? It's a way of honoring him. I'll tell you one thing I did do, and this probably means the answer would probably be yes, unfortunately. I was at a party when I was an open miker, and it's getting nine on the straight scale, whatever. But Doug Stanhope was there.

And we were all just kissing his ass because he was this comedy legend and we were all open mikers. And we were drunk as fuck. And Doug's like, if you really weren't gay, you could just make out with me right now. Because that would just show how not gay you were because you'd be so not gay. And I did it. And I basically did it just because I didn't want Doug to call me a pussy, which is really a horrible motivation. And it was an awful experience. But it was like on the spot in front of all my friends being called out by this weird alpha male dude who was doing it kind of dickily.

I'll show you how much cooler I am than these guys. I'll make one of them make out with me because I'm such a party crazy guy. But I did do it. So Obama is a much better speaker and performer than Doug Stanoff. I think we can say. Although I will say that Obama never briefly hosted the Man Show. That's true. No, though, they didn't like the one where they did with Obama.

They got in Doug. Yeah. Obama's leg got left on the cutting room floor. It was Obama and Bob Uecker. It wasn't what they were going for. I will say the whole thing goes over from maybe novel and or necessary to a legitimate turn on if maybe Michelle's watching. She's a beautiful woman. She's a very graceful woman.

Okay. This actually brings me to it. What do you think about the two-guy threesome? I have no interest in it, but it has been proposed to me before. Oh. And I don't – I'm not – it doesn't really – I know people, friends of mine who have been involved in those things. With Michelle Obama? No.

A couple of them with Michelle. Some of them just other people. Right. Nancy Reagan. You know, God, about that, I – Lady Bird Johnson? The whole Johnson family, really. Everybody. Everybody.

Yeah, you know, I think that when I think about that, when it comes up in a – when it presents itself in like a porno menu scroll down. You go, no. Yeah, but I think about it in terms of like, oh, would I ever? And then two things come up of like, would I do it? First, my raging hard on. Yeah, first. And then sperm. Like, would it, is this weirder with a guy I know or a total stranger?

And both of them are weird in such profoundly different and extreme ways. You don't want to be hanging out with your buddy later at Currywurst or whatever, and he's like, remember when we were pwning that girl? And now we're dipping fries in mayonnaise. They're both weird. And you're like, your buddy, now you got to go to the Man of Steel or whatever, and you're waiting in the ticket line. But all you can see when you look at him now is that guy who was like, ah.

Like, yeah, that's bad. Yeah. But then why does Stranger, why is that? Because I'll probably have to, like, I don't like talking to strangers. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah. But then why does stranger – why is that – Because I'll probably have to – like, I don't like talking to strangers. Especially when they're naked. Because his mother taught him not to talk to strangers. He might probably give me some candy. Well, at this point, Mom, we're both naked fucking the same girl.

I mean, I think we kind of know each other. I think there's still some kind of a bond here. Can I ask you guys this? Speaking of presidents. Yes. Lyndon Johnson. Yes. Was famous foron Johnson. Yes. Was famous for taking his dick out.

Yes. Did you know that about Lyndon Johnson? I didn't know that. No. Tell me when and where. He would do it. He would sign bills with it. He would dip it into an inkwell.

Interviewed. He would go into the toilet and use the bathroom while he was having meetings with the door open. Yeah. Wow. I think he did having meetings with the door open. Yeah. Wow. I think he did it to fuck people off balance. So say there's a big bill coming up and he wants the guy, the Speaker of the House, to not know how to negotiate with him. He goes in the President's office. The President's taking a piss while he talks to him.

And the guy – this guy is so weird and uncomfortable that now he has to negotiate from a position of confusion and weirdness. He also purportedly had a very impressive penis. Oh, yeah? In that it was very stately. It had the dignity of office. It was the kind of penis that you'd want to have representing your country. It had the presidential seal on it. I think Lyndon Johnson is amazing.

I should probably read the Robert Carroll book. I would love if the only thing you knew about him was that anecdote. What if I just got that? And then you didn't know what his bills that were passed or Vietnam or anything like that. You're like, big dick, but whipped it out a lot. What more do you need to know? What if I bought all five volumes or whatever it is of the Carroll multi-thousand page biography, and I just went to the index under D for dick.

Then looked up penis. Then you yellow highlighted all of those chapters. I don't know about this guy's writing style, but you'd probably also have to look up dong, boner, weenus. This guy's very Hemingway-esque, just one word, simple. Right, sure. Not a lot of adjectives. Stark prose.

There's this audio. Lyndon Johnson recorded his telephone calls, and we made a video for Put This On of this call that he made. And it was to the Hagar Clothing Company. Still in business. Exactly. And he's calling up about – he talks to Mr. Hagar about some pants that he sent him. And he has all these specifications for the pants. It needs to be – his weight goes up and down so he needs room to let it out and take it back in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. about is the seam, which I quote directly from the sitting president who he mentions

is about to go to a state funeral, has been cutting up on his bunghole. Bunghole. It's been – Well, the sitting president is sitting. He's having a problem with his balls. He talks about his balls and it cutting up on his bunghole. Yeah. But I always think it's a bunghole.

The only time I've ever heard bunghole is Beavis' butthead. Beavis' butthead. Yeah. I thought on his bunghole. Yeah, but I always think it's a bunghole. The only time I've ever heard bunghole is Beavis' butthead. Yeah, I thought they invented bunghole. They were like, what can we get on television? We can't say asshole, so... You know what a bunghole is? A bunghole is the hole in a barrel of beverage that you plug and unplug

to take the liquid out. Or you plug the spout into it. I didn't know that until right now, and now it's into it. That's horrible. I didn't know that until right now and now it's really gross. That's the bunghole. Yes, because, you know,

in Lyndon Johnson's time it was customary to put a cork up your bunghole. Yes. For state funerals. But I mean, if you're...

They had that at the pleasure chest. If you're Peter Hagar, is that his name? Do you know his name? I don't remember what his name is. I would love it

if you knew his name. Not only do I know this story, I know a lot about the Hagar Company. Hey, I listened to the phone call a lot when we were cutting it. But the thing about it is, like, if you're Peter Hagar, you don't get a lot of calls from the president. It's not like you and the president are friends. This really is one of the most important things that happened to you in your career in the pants and the gentleman's apparel industry. And you're

there. You're like, oh my god. The president is on the other side. He wants our pants. And then you immediately have to think of his asshole. The president's asshole. He talked to you about it. He's talking about it. My pants are riding in my butthole. It's very concerning. It's deeply troubling.

So now, like, I wonder about the use of bunghole. Like, now it's something like— Do you think he ruined it? Well, I'm wondering if— Can you ruin that? Then if it was sophisticated to say bunghole. Like, that was, uh, hello, Alice. How's the old bunghole?

A bit of a difficulty, I'm afraid. Can't get the cork out of that. The absinthe cocktail of- Have you called Hagar? Right. They do wonders with bungholes over at Hagar. I'll give you Peter Hagar's personal number. Now, back to the kind of legislative benefits-

He says it's like sitting on razor wire. Ah, go ahead. The kind of legislative benefits of whipping out your dick. I mean, Jesse, I know you can't really comment on these things based on your status as a journalist. Because I'm a national public radio journalist. I can't take stands on public issues. But do we think that Obama would have a little bit of an easier time wrangling Congress if he was whipping it out more? Well, it depends.

Maybe we would get some more bills passed. If he announced that instead of a do- contest, the Congress is a do this Congress. Yeah. But he has the societal pressures of expectations of stereotypes of black men's behavior. Obama can't grab his dick. Because of racism. Unlike a white southerner can grab his dick. Bill Clinton basically grabbed his dick.

Yeah. Do you think Obama could turn into a tiger? Are we in a Shazam cartoon? Yes. Yes, he could. I think Obama is the wizard. Yeah. I'd like to see post-retirement, I would like to see him in a Shazam cartoon.

Why not? He's got the dignity. Make the kids happy. Very dignified man. Just as George Bush had the creativity and artistic personality to become a painter. You'll have the voice of John Kerry and you'll have the stamina of Barney Frank and you'll have the – Yeah, ja-funk. That's – the word doesn't make sense anymore.

One great thing about Barney Frank is that I think what happened – but Barney Frank is now retired from Congress, a former congressman from Massachusetts, if you don't know. But sometime in the mid-'80s, I think, late-'80s, he got caught with a male sex worker and a rent boy, specifically. And was or was possibly a hustler of some kind. And it was big, big news. and he was forced to come out. He had been in the closet, but Barney Frank was forced to come out. I didn't know any of this. The rent boy was still, the rent boy was out of the closet by then. He was soliciting gay sex for money.

That's about as out of the closet as you can get. That's really, you're in the other room. You have shot a rocket launcher at the closet. But then after all of this stuff went down, in a time where it was much more difficult to be gay in America than it is today, although obviously still quite difficult in many places, he got reelected. And I think after that shit goes down,

and you're Barney Frank, Barney Frank, also a very funny guy. Very funny overall, not even just for a congressman. I think he just said, fuck it. Let's do this thing. Let's Congress. Just said anything he wanted. Made fun of people on the. I remember during the impeachment hearings, Barney Frank was just sitting there making jokes at the expense of the other people surrounding him.

Good. Because the other people surrounding him were Ken Starr, the house managers. What a bunch of assholes. Yeah, so I mean— But it would be fun to be in Congress. No, because you had been caught with a gay prostitute and reelected that nobody could fuck with you. Yeah, basically like hiding a body would be worse. Exactly. You know that most of the leadership positions are seniority based and you're building up that seniority.

You just do whatever the fuck you want. Do you think you would like being a congressman? No, I would hate to be a congressman. I mean, you're a congressman, so there's that. But then everything else I think is awful. I have not been called to service. There's never been a draft chess movement. Congressional draft.

Yeah, like, we demand thorn! There is the podcast lobby. Yeah. I mean, we want special rights for podcasters. Sure. I don't think I know a goddamn thing about the politics of this city that I've lived in for 10 years. I don't think I know anything of what the issues are. I don't know what certain people want or don't want.

I realized I've lived here now for six years and I used to be very familiar with the politics in my hometown, San Francisco. I worked in the mayor's office for a while. I used to go to supervisor meetings. Which mayor? I knew the mayor of Willie L. Brown Jr. Okay. Big Willie, as he was called.

knew the mayor of Willie L. Brown Jr. Okay. Big Willie, as he was called. A man who worked on his construction crew when he... Willie Brown, self-made man, worked construction in his college years to get himself through law school in San Francisco. And a guy who

worked on his construction crew called up one time and said, can I talk to Mayor Brown? And I was like, I am not allowed to transfer you to Mayor Brown, but I can transfer you to his personal office. And he said, I used to work, I used to be his foreman. We called him Big Willie. Thanks, guy.

And I fucking transferred him right to Mayor Brown's personal secretary. The people that I, in the year that I worked in the mayor's office or whatever it was, five months, six months, the people that I transferred straight through to Mayor Brown's secretary were that guy, Country Joe McDonald. Because I figured, who's going to call up and pretend to be Country Joe McDonald? Did you go, one, two, three, what are you calling for? It seems like I would have to do that. And that was it. I had some weird jobs. At one point I had to, one of my

big jobs in the mayor's office, I had to, I was on a case of this guy who wrote the mayor from prison to ask if he could get him a That always works! To ask if he could get him a 49er schedule. But he needed a 49er schedule with the seating chart of Candlestick

Park cut out of it because he's not allowed to have maps in prison. And he kept requesting 49er schedules and they would send them to him, but then they would get thrown away because they had a map on them. Because what? There's a tunnel that goes to the bleachers? Because you were not allowed to have any maps. No maps at all. What possibly could a map of something else help you to get out of prison?

Yeah. I don't get that at all. You could use it to organize your thoughts. Wow. Use it as a sort of elaborate metaphor. We will not allow elaborate metaphors for the inmates. Sure. Where there's not going to be anything that can be used.

If prison is the cheap seats of life, I'm looking to get behind home plate. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to get my degree. Write that monologue down for a character that breaks the fourth wall in a prison script you haven't written yet. Yeah, I do have a prison script that plays with narrative a lot.

Narrative conventions, sure. It's an Oz spinoff. I would love for you to say that to a girl that you're hitting on and have that be, say a dead straight, I have a prison script that plays a narrative. It plays a narrative a lot. Jordan, Jordan's, you haven't heard about Jordan's prison script? No. It's an Oz spin-off about a group of inmates who have a weekly Dungeons and Dragons game.

Okay. It's very heated. Sure. And, you know, the game, is the game reality or is the prison reality? I don't know. I don't know. I think it's sort of like it's like Oz meets Game of Thrones meets Sex and the City. Because, I mean, you everyone can relate to one of the prisoners. Which Oz guy are you?

Yeah. Are you more of a... Well, I'm Chico. I hate that we now... What do you like to sharpen? I hate that we now use four-character television shows as the only personality choices that are now available. Are you one of these four people on Girls or Entourage or Sex and the City? Because if you don't fit one of them, you're just a weird, invalid human.

You're an extra who no one cares about. If you don't have characteristics of these four already similar characters. Yeah, right. Yeah, I was going to say it seemed like Entourage was the last of those, but I guess people do do that with girls. But there's not a single person on Entourage that you could be one of. If you are one of the – here's a good – How would you even describe those four people? Are you like a mooching fat guy?

No, I'm not that guy. If you relate to one of the people on Entourage, kill yourself. Any one of those four people is in any way indicative of your actual self. Yeah, if you look at one of their decisions, you know, I would have done that. Society is better off without you. I would have done that. I'm like a turtle. Ooh, really?

Okay. The one thing that I thought about Entourage that was so funny. Here's the characters on Entourage, by the way. Turtle, main guy, and other guys. Other two guys? No, there's- That's the four main characters. Well, there's-

I'm a real third guy on Entourage. Well, there's comical, over-the-top, douchey actor guy, and then there's boring fucking manager guy. Boring guy. Regular guy. actor guy, and then there's boring fucking manager guy, and then fat comic relief mooch, and then weirdly famous not good actor guy. The thing about it is he was supposed to be a star, but whenever they put an actual star next to him, you immediately-

The charisma gap becomes so apparent. If he was a movie star, the actual guy would be a movie star. It's not like he wasn't going out for shit. Sure. But he wasn't. So it made the whole show look false. Also, it was a deeply amoral, perhaps even ill-moral show. Do you think?

I thought it was still trying to have the thing of like, these guys are for the old neighborhood, so they stick together. That was the value that they were imparting. Don't let money make you drop your fat mooch friend. Even if your friends are being awful, you be awful with them because we stick together. Yeah, it really was like the caveman tribalism was like the same

basic value of Entourage. Yeah, I think it was just But then what are the values of Sex and the City? Money. I'm not a fan of Sex and the City? Money. Like, wasn't that... You know, I'll even say... I'm not a fan of Sex and the City either, so... I'll even... I'll say this about Entourage, R.E. Tits. I feel like there's not even enough tits in that show to justify it.

It's a half hour, too. If there's not enough tits to get me through a half hour... Sure. Anyway. Not a... But there were times when it was entertaining. But I think that might have all been R.E. Gold. Like, I think maybe every enjoyable scene was Ari and Lloyd, and the actual main characters

were totally superfluous. Yeah. Oh, boy. It's bad. I can't even tell you what people like about Entourage, honestly. Do you know anyone who loves it, who has, like, the box sets, like, on the shelf? I don't. Thankfully.

Thankfully. I knew a couple people at the time. And what were those people like? I don't know if they still do. Were they just regular people or were they Hollywood fedora wearers? They were – I think they were – I would describe them as male aggro nerds. What is that? That's interesting.

You know, it's a kind of nerd. There's a kind of nerd who reacts to their alienation from society and especially from girls by being nice and quiet and unsure of themselves. They just become a drip because no one is. Then there's some who get really into 24. This is the utilikilt crap. So basically you're saying Entourage is a step on the spectrum towards Columbine. I think- Like if you-

That it is an intermediary step before you actually are shooting people because you read the protocols of the Elders of Zion. I think that Utila Kilt crowd is wrong. Utila Kilt crowd is too dorky. Okay. Okay. I think this is a guy who's thinking about learning to fight. Mm-hmm. Okay.

He may have bought himself a Subaru WRX. Depending on his income bracket. Yeah. Maybe a used Mustang. Okay. So this is someone who fetishizes cartoonish masculinity because he doesn't have much of it. It's a sort of H&M subscriber type, unaspiring. It's a –

FHM subscriber? Yes, FHM. Thank you. Yeah, an H&M. They got a catalog. A guy who loves $12 slacks. I'll tell you, man. I get this catalog and I get a lot of deals.

I relate to it. And there's one right up there, right up on Fifth Avenue. It's a kind of guy – it's also the kind of guy who would be interested in the world of pickup artists. It's someone who thinks that there is a way for them to beat girls. Has the pickup artist thing got to the point where there's counterintelligence now that any girl can see the lines coming and go, okay, you read that book? Like, has the Soviet side of that arms race responded yet? Is that the rules? Well, whatever that book.

I don't know. Steve Harvey is involved somehow. Don't be a pickleball. Just be a man. Yeah, boy, the Entourage always baffled me because, I mean, I feel like the only interaction I had with anyone who ever watched it was like, oh, I tried to watch a couple of those, and it's bad. My parents liked it, and they usually like really good things.

The other shows they liked were Deadwood and The Wire. But first of all, I think they are sort of brainwashed by HBO. HBO will do that to you. When they have that big montage with HBO, it's better than the UN. When that thing runs, I think my parents will at least give everything on HBO one episode. They even watched the first episode of John from Cincinnati. Like, I mean, they didn't watch any other ones. Yeah.

But they at least because HBO put their stupid stamp on it. You know, we were talking about this. I think it was probably on the live show about the – and I agree 100 percent. The like HBO trailer department is the greatest – is the most skilled department in the world. Whatever the hottest weird song on iTunes is, they know it. Absolutely. They blare it while they fucking show it. They got a big chunk of time at the end of a movie that ran one hour and 37 minutes and it's programmed in a two-hour block.

And now HBO. And now shots of people looking pensive from True Blitz. But the thing is. This hot guy is in this show. You have to remember that like with premium cable, you are programming to a sort of dual need. One is distinctive high- quality programming in the vein of The Wire. The other is people

who like boxing. But the other thing I think that HBO has found is if you add cinematography and high class writing, etc., you can make porn that your wife will watch with you. And they have found porn your wife will also like.

You know, like, so Game of Thrones is an awesome show, so is Boardwalk Empire. It has all the elements of a great show and then they add

insane amounts of sex. that you can suggest later. Yeah, and you're like, how about we do the thing that Jamie Lannister did? You mean incest. How about we fuck our sisters? How about we

throw a boy out of a window and hope that he dies? How about we get our sisters? How about we throw a boy out a window and hope that he dies? How about we get our hands cut off? Spoiler alert. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Did I just drop a piece? Well, what do you think? Do you feel that once it's aired last week, spoilers are fine?

Oh, boy. Because the one thing, I ran into this when I started. I wanted to tweet about House of Cards because I was way into it. I was binge watching it on some road gig. And I'm like, oh, you can't because you don't know when any of them are, where any of your friends are in the show. So you can't tweet anything except like, I like it because. I think I think. And this is a gray area.

This is a this is a very gray area. I think I think my position is. After the season's over, you can say anything about that season. Okay. And no one can be mad at you on Twitter. Right. Yeah. That's my position. Okay.

And I think that's a reasonable position. So now that thing would be what you just said would be a spoiler. But if you said- I was a dick there. But if you said Stannis loses in season two, you're fine because nobody – I think that's reasonable. Very reasonable. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I'll go back to your parents and entourage. I think with your grandma and BBC, I think there probably is a related person who will just watch anything on HBO and give it the benefit of the – My parents do that with any British mystery. Like any fucking – if there is a British person – From Poirot to Prime Suspect.

If the words Scotland Yard are in the script, my parents will watch all of them. Yes. It's good trailers. I think what it comes down to ultimately – Mystery also – there's this little, little like bass music in the back. Itty pizzicato string instruments. If that's playing in the background, someone goes, I believe they were murdered.

Like, that's it. Your parents are, right. I think what it comes down to is that by the time you pay the extra 20 bucks a month, or whatever it is for HBO, you've bought into that world, and you are trying to suck the juices of HBO.

Let's get every fucking thing these people have. You're like, fuck it. I am watching Soul Food from episode one. Like, let's do this. Watch the Midnight movie? What, Ghostbusters 2? Yeah, I'll do that. I'm in.

Fuck it. Yeah, it's been a while since I've seen Superman 2. Sure. What are the HBO perennials, though? They do run certain things all the time. And I've only had HBO. I've had it for about a year now. I'm really enjoying it.

I am not to the point where I am watching, like, Entourage or Arliss because I want to. Well, I came – we had HBO in the 80s – not in the 80s, in the 90s. And I loved Larry Sanders. And so that's what got me into HBO. We would always watch Larry Sanders. But then every other show, what people don't remember is HBO was a schlock factory, except for Larry Sanders. You're saying Dream On isn't good?

It was for me then, but try to watch it now. Sure. Eddie Charles, not as amusing. No, I agree with you that Dream On is not good. And then they had the football one with the tits and the football players. First and ten. Oh, I don't remember that. It's like – it's NBC bad but with tits. It's really bad.

Yeah. So what do I see on HBO a lot? I see a lot of like – God, I see a lot of those like mid-90s sci-fi movies like Virus. A lot of stuff with – God, who's Courtney Cox? David Arquette. David Arquette. David Arquette, IMDB page is well represented. Yes.

I think they also like gangster-y movies from the 90s. Like American Me. Oh, like Two Days in the Valley. Yeah, like anything with guns. Vincent D'Onofrio. And Vincent D'Onofrio is involved. If there's like some

Lilith Fair music and some guns, they're in on it. Is that what they were scoring those movies with? Like, Natalie Merchant? Well, everyone was trying to imitate the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.

So they were trying to find whatever eclectic... Yeah, like, yeah, it was all... Well, no, there was some of that in there, but it would be like

the weird Sarah McLachlan. Like, not like folky anthems, but like, breathy chick is singing while somebody gets shot in the powerhouse on Hollywood and Highland. Yeah.

Michael Madsen's around somewhere. If Madsen is staring at a girl who's about to get naked, that's on HBO. Guys, I feel like we have solved the HBO conundrum. We understand the business probably better than they do. We should probably get hired by them as consultants. Yeah, come on, guys. What's up? Let's take a quick break so we can go stack that yay bread

we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective I'm John Roy hey guess what's coming up Jordan coming up fast on the calendar what is it Jesse?

the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Oh, terrific. We'll go to find more information on this. Boatparty.biz. Sounds like a fun website. You know, we have actually, I just checked in with Amanda, our events director. Over 150 people already on board. Pretty good.

It's going down in September. This is our, I don't know if you've heard about this, John. I have not. We're putting on a combination rock and roll festival slash comedy festival on a cruise ship. Have you got Gene Vincent? We did. He does the rock and roll that the kids love. We got Gene Vincent.

We got the Big Bopper. Ooh. That was hard. That was hard. How'd you do that? And yeah, it's grave robbing. It's going to be really tremendous. He's not going to perform.

He will be there. If folks out there haven't checked out the lineup, what are we looking at? We're looking at Mark Merman. We're looking at Mark Merman. Is that a clone of Eugene and Mark Merman? Mark Merman, Eugene Merman. We have both of them, actually. Actually, I stand corrected.

You do have Mark Merman. They will be performing simultaneously. Yeah, man, I don't know what the fuck you're doing up here, man. I mean, I don't know why the two of us. It's not working for me, man. We got Kurt and Kristen. We got Nick Thune. We got Jasper Redd, a beloved guest on this program.

Lots of amazing folks on the comedy side. And on the music side, we got John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats. We got our friend John Roderick from the Long Winters. We got Dan Deacon, the great electronic musician Dan Deacon, and his band. He has a band these days. So we'll go into a party trance is what I understand happens when Dan Deacon starts rocking the show. Take the computer every now and then and goes, I was doing fine. I don't know why you're bringing these guys in.

It was you and me. Remember when it was you and me, Dan? What the fuck? And the beautiful and charming Nellie Mackay. It is a real power-packed lineup for BoatParty.biz, and it is going to be a real fucking blast. That sounds fun. It's going to be a good time. It is going to be a really good time.

So go to BoatParty.biz, read all about it, and buy your tickets today. I just want to see Mark Merman. Yeah, Mark Merman. Man, one time I saw Marin and Kindler do a show together where each of them just complained about this road trip that they'd gone. I've heard that. I heard them. I heard Marin because Eugene Merman was in the car too. Yeah. And I heard Marin tell a story about that at UCB about how – and he said that every type of Jew was represented in the car.

And they were going into these red state cities that were all Gentiles. And it was like they got like a person whose parents were like the immigrant Jews. And they were like more of a complainy. He was like saying like all of the negative stereotypes of my people were in that tour around the South. And I got to say Kindler did a Marin and Marin did a Kindler. A plus. Yeah? They both knocked it out of the ballpark.

That's awesome. I love when Kindler is fake. Like one of my favorite things that I've seen Kindler do, he was riffing at the improv and he did the Jewish Superman. But he didn't even do the Jewish Superman. He just went straight to doing the mother. And he goes, why don't you come back to Krypton and see Joelle? But like, he didn't even, he goes,

what if there's a Jewish Superman? Then he just does the mother, but everyone knew immediately. I don't know. It was a good piece of comedy. I think he's going places. Yeah. Anyway, that's all we're plugging this week, but do go to boatparty.biz and if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron.

Oh, hey, there's one other thing. Fucking me and Jordan are going to the Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah, totally. In August. So if you're out there in the, what's Scotland? Scottish Highlands. If you're a Highlander. If there can be only you.

If you are the only one, please come. If you live in a castle, if you're wearing a kilt that is not utilitarian, come on up to the show. A form-only kilt. No function. You can find it. Tickets are on sale now. We're doing one night only. Go to MaximumFun.org.

You will find the link there. I think it's going to be a good old time. Me too. Who knows what the fuck we're going to come up with. Something awesome probably. My step cousin lives there. There you go. So she's going to be there.

That's reason enough. That flight's long. You can work on the prison script and really get it. That's true. Yeah. It'll probably just be a stage reading of my fourth wall breaking prison script. Get Mark Merman to play the chair. We'll probably just bring in Peter Serafinowicz, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm John Roy. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm John Roy. I'm the other guy in this room. Well, it's fun to have you on the program, John.

Every week on this show, we invite our listeners to call us and share their momentous occasions with us. Everything from buying a house to seeing one animal standing on top of another animal. Coyote attacks, you know. Sure. Yeah. Coyote attack qualifies. Somebody gave Jordan some samples at Trader Joe's. Called that in.

Called that in. Pretty good. That's cool. Yeah, it's really cool. What's your Trader Joe's? Which one? Oh, Santa Monica La Cienega? Yeah, no, I've been there.

It's good Trader Joe's. It's functional. I don't know what you guys think. I think the parking lot's a little small. Am I right, people? Hey, there's a lot of Armenians in Glendale. Hey, now. Hey, you guys.

Hey, guys. Go down to Santa Monica in La Cienega. See my girl Sarah at the sample counter. Oh, yeah? She'll hook you up. Awesome. A little, probably maybe a little saffron rice. We need more hookups on Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Didn't we set up hookups like three, four years ago? A hookup network? We had a period where we were saying, call in if you can hook people up with something. I worked at a comedy club in Springfield, Illinois, and you got to do morning radio when you do a comedy. But this guy, he was like their longest running guy on the radio, just fat old white guy. Oh, we're here in the morning. The radio voice. Sure.

His whole show was an extortion scam of local businesses. We never were in the studio. We were always on a remote. And wherever we were, it was a store that was giving him free things with a restaurant brought in giving him free food. They were drinking in the morning. Like something it would be not interesting to be at. Like, we're here at a home furnishing store. Absolutely that.

That is where I did one of the remotes, was a home furnishing store. And the segment preceding me was just him going, wow, that looks like a great chair. So they can get these chairs and they come down here and then you got all these lazy boys. Like that was, it was just a fucking auction house with a guy. I mean, I imagine there's less money

in terrestrial radio these days. So I mean, you gotta make ends meet. I'm down here at the McGovern farm. They got some fine-looking goats. No, really, like, well, we got, so what restaurant am I eating free shit from? Oh, they should go down there then. I'm here at the Kit Kat brothel.

So you can just fuck these pussies? Well, they got plenty of pussy down here. You can just fuck them, right? We're going to go now to a break, and we'll be back. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a morning radio DJ. I don't have a girlfriend.

Never have. But I do enjoy the company of a paid prostitute. The best guy, I won't say his name because I play the club and I do. But there's a guy out there who is the quintessence. I'll fucking say who he is. His name's Johnny Danger. He's in Madison. Johnny Danger in the morning does the voice, the whole thing.

He's got a sidekick named Biatch. And she's got, she's got like, she's a gruff kind of. John, are you sure you weren't inside a comedy sketch about morning radio? It really, it puts Saturday Night Live to shame. Like, Biatch is a gruff kind of juggalo-y kind of girl. And when I asked her what her name was, I'm like, I don't want to call you Biatch. Like, what's your name? She goes, it's Biatch.

Okay. So then there was Johnny Danger is about. I worked on a show called Sarah and No Name in San Francisco briefly, and I was not allowed to know what No Name's name was. Johnny Danger is in spray tan, like in the morning. Guns showing. He's about 50. No sleeves. Guns.

Shell necklace. Cowboy hat. Fucking just cartoon cool guy. Like if a cartoon added a dog that was a cool guy dog, they would have made him look like this guy. Right? So he's in that outfit for no one. It's just his coworkers.

It's on the radio. No one knows what hat you have on. It's like, Johnny Tate, you see Kim Kardashian's tits yet out now? Just the worst shit ever. Part two of this, and then we've got to take calls, but I want to do one more awful morning radio story. There's another guy in

Kansas City named Johnny Dare. I think they get it from the same baby book or whatever. There's actually some morning DJ fake name fucking lexicon that they go to. So Johnny Dare, there's a couple interesting things about him. He's the last guy on earth who likes the band Jackal because he's friends with Jesse Jackal. This is J-A-K-Y-L, right? Yes.

And the chainsaw hair metal band. Sure. And he's always trying to revive Jesse Jackal's career. So he's like, hey, man, you got to hear that new jesse jackal single and he's playing them and jesse jackal had a single with run from run dmc or dmc slumming called like rock like a negro i swear to god and it was about how like the idea was that like hendrix and prince were the real rockers whatever but it really just looked like a minstrel show but anyway uh so this is johnny dary sounds like this just missed the accidental racist train.

Yeah, I think it was more on purpose racist. I think that's probably why it didn't. But anyway, yeah, it was. It was like a proto-single for that. But anyway, here's the story real quick. The country singer, what's his fucking name? Travis Tripp. I don't know if your listeners know but radio shows

are usually all shoved into one building with like nine different radio stations all in one hallway so the country station was like only three doors down from

where this bullshit rock station that had this guy on it so he had a sidekick named Turd I think or Tard

I don't know but Turd was so Turd was the idea was Turd was supposed to go to Travis Tritt and tell him he had a wonderful mullet. And then if he didn't do that, they were going to staple some paper to Turd's ass, right? That was the gag. So Turd goes down to the country station.

Travis Tritt's got like two guys from the record company there. And they're like, no, you're not talking to Travis. Like, that's not going to happen. So they just pushed Turd back in the hallway and then he walks back in all crestfallen. They wouldn't let me. So then they stapled the thing to his ass, but they really did it. And I was like, we're on the radio. I'm not going to tell anyone. The cops don't care.

You can just make the staple noise into the microphone. Why subject this man to the cruelty in the interest of some kind of Lars von Trier fucking verisimilitude that you're supposed to? I don't know. I was really I walked out of there having a lot of confusion

about humanity. You didn't know about the code? No. The turd wrote the code. He did. He wrote the six rules. If you say you the code. Oh, yeah. He did. He wrote the six rules. The six rules, yeah. If you say you staple, you have to staple.

All staples must go in butts. They can't be lies. Yeah. Only natural lighting and no compressor boxes on the microphone. And of course, ape shall never kill ape.

It's a real mixed bag. Yeah. A morning zoo crew divided against itself cannot stand. Yeah. A morning zoo crew divided against itself cannot stand. Yeah. Okay. We're at a united front of assholes. When something momentous happens.

We're at a united front of assholes. When something momentous happens, we ask that you call us. The number 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dumbbell. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Utah and in Ohio, and I just found out from your show that I may be a very powerful wizard.

So thanks, guys. Sorcerer. To be fair, number one, we learned last week from a highly placed official in Iran that the Jewish people are sorcerers. Wow. There's a lot of magic going on in my neighborhood. I've had a lot of Jewish friends in my life, have a lot of Jewish friends now, have been to numerous synagogues for numerous special occasions. I don't remember any sorcery, but who am I to question?

I'll tell you, some of that, you know, the food is real good. I'm not saying, but I can't make a sausage like that. I want to go back and say I want to address something. Could you play, Lindsay, could you play just at the very beginning of that call where he introduces himself again? Because I...

Yeah, it sounded like this is Utah from Georgia. Utah is a very strange name for a Jew. That is very strange. Utah, I think, is what I heard. Yeah, I sounded like this is Utah from Georgia. Utah is a very strange name for a Jew. That is very strange name for a Jew. I think is what I heard. Yeah, I thought Utah in Utah. Hey, Jordan, Jessica, this is Utah in Ohio. Utah. I just found out. That sounds like a sci-fi name.

What's the leader's name? Utah. Greeting, Captain Picard. I am Utah. That sounds like a direct response television advertisement sold high quality radio unit. Try the Utah. Like one that you crank? Or just a shitty car from the Soviet bloc that they made millions of and everyone had one.

The GMC Utah? Yeah, like the Utah. Everyone in Bulgaria was issued one. You're like three wheels. You have to trade 17 tons of leather. What country is this car from? Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes in Berkeley. It's like, yeah, it's been living out of my Utah.

Dude, you know, I mean, look. I use it to transport my futon. The functional economy, you know? I mean, look, you can say, okay, it doesn't have, like, you know, a working steering wheel or whatever. But, you know, it was just a better car. Jordan, I'm making a salad. Can you go out to the Utah? Yeah, sure.

Grab some croutons. Sure. Yeah. You knew that was coming. That was one of the best. I'm not saying the joke was particularly successful, but that was one of the best mind-meld moments of a long-running team where he wants me to do the crouton thing. I'm fucking serving it up.

I don't know how it's going to go, but I'm going to do it. That's 12 years on the microphone, John Roy. Okay, let's take another call. Hi, this is Becca, and I am calling with a momentous occasion. My friends have just voted March Madness style for my new last name. I am adopting my foster son, and we needed a new last name, and I just got the final vote tally, and I have a brand new last name. Hooray!

Which is? For this year, which I forgot. But what's the name? What the fuck? What's the name? What's the name? What the fuck is this? This is the shittiest call we've ever gotten in my entire life.

Who screened these calls? Who let in a call from a woman who says she has a new last name chosen by March Madness-style brackets. Also, how many people would put their name in that pool? Like, I'm in. Oh, I was wondering, is it names people had made up, or is she bracketing for someone else's name? Like, if we were her friends, would it be between Thorne and Morrison? So much of the information wasn't there. We didn't even get the name.

Let's be clear on one thing. There's only one person qualified to give you a name, ma'am. It's not your friends and their March Madness system. It's Nick Hornby, author of the novels High Fidelity and About a Boy, the master of naming things on Jordan Jesse Go. Now, our friend Nick Hornby

just got his pilot picked up. I don't know if he, maybe he's too busy, but if you need us to give you a name, we can relay it to Hornby. What were the names in his character? What were his character names? He, on our show, people let him name pets and stuff.

Okay. Yeah. He's a friend of ours, so sometimes we'd get him on the horn from the UK. He named a goat Tina Turner at one point, didn't he?

I think so. Yeah. Oh, Aretha. Aretha. Yeah. Name the goat Aretha. I remember that. And of course,

his famous character's John Cusack. Yeah, but that was the actor's name. No, no. I think it was also the character's name. Lloyd Dobler, right? Yeah, Lloyd Dobler. That's his character in every movie. No, but remember when he named that other character the hot chick from the Cosby show?

I liked how he named that one character 90s Catherine Zeta-Jones. I thought that was a good name. Catherine Zeta-Jones. That's a good name. I actually got an email not that long ago from our friend Nick Hornby wondering why he hadn't named anything in a long time. The truth is no one's called in. Yeah. Let's get back to this woman though.

This is a betrayal. Sure. You cannot give us half of a momentous occasion in this way. You know what I think it is? You know what I'm guessing? I'm guessing this is a baiting situation because there's been a couple times on the show. I don't think we've done it lately, but I think there's historical precedent for people. For someone giving us half a story.

And then they get to kind of be a guest. She's not coming on the show. I don't care how many foster children she has or adopts. Yeah. And seen. Good for you. Way to pull a child out of a difficult situation. We don't want America's hardworking people who ask for nothing.

Well, actually, they get money, so it's not really. Lady, not after they adopt them. Number one, lady, look, you did a really good thing adopting this foster child, but then you fucked up big time. a really good thing adopting this foster child, but then you fucked up big time. You had a shot at having a best-selling author and award-winning screenwriter. Let's not forget that he wrote the screenplay for

An Education. Your son could be named Aretha right now. You could be friends with Alfred Molina. That's what could be going on in your life right now. Would he be Act 1 Spider-Man 2 Alfred Molina or Act 3 Spider-Man 2 Alfred Molina? He would be strapped to a radioactive core descending

into a river. Yeah, I mean, but yeah, let's not... He would be Spider-Man 3 Alfred Molina, which is where just Alfred Molina keeps calling and asking if he's in Spider-Man. What's going on, man? Am I still doing it? It's Alfred Molina watching. You only have five villains. How about six?

It's Alfred Molina watching Spider-Man 3 and just turning to whoever he's with and goes, this one's worse, right? I'm not imagining this, right? Mine was good, right? It was good. It wasn't like this. They're not all bad, right? My friend is a – well, fuck it.

It's not – Robert Kirkman is a buddy of mine. That guy is a comic book guy. He did Walking Dead. But he hates Spider-Man 3 because the trope that he hates the most is the two villains trope. He goes, regular movies have one villain. Why do comic book movies have two? And then the scene that bugs him the most is when the two villains have a scene where

they're like, you don't like Spider-Man? I don't like Spider-Man. And then they make some dumb bargain. Let's join forces. If that's in a movie, he's like, out. Like that- Let's join forces. If that's in a movie, he's like out. It is pretty baffling that in movies, in those superhero movies, they put in a bunch-

First, they use the main villain in the first one. Yeah. And then they don't have any more main villains. So they just decide- Instead of really focusing on building a character for one of the lesser villains that people aren't as familiar with, they just are like, what if we just have six villains? The Nolan Batmans did pull it off. They saved the Joker for the second one.

Yeah. And then they were done, and then they had to bring out. But, you know, Bane, what I love what they did, though, because they couldn't use the comic book Bane because there's nothing intrinsic to the comic book Bane except racism. I don't know what Bane is. Here's what he is. He is not the guy from the movie.

When is Bane from? 90s comics. But this is the actual character. I stopped reading it after Robin died. He is a Latin American guy with a temper problem. He uses drugs to make himself more strong. He has a Mexican wrestling mask and a tank top. And he's a drug dealer.

And he goes, It's the most offensive. And he goes, Batman, I kill you. It's the most offensive. You know, it was really interesting. I'm playing that DC Universe fighting game, Injustice, right now. Yes. Well, then you have Shazam. He's on that game.

Yeah, Shazam. Shazam is in there. And Bane does have a racist Mexican guy voice. And I'm like, what? That's the real character. And I'm like, oh, now I remember. That's why. Wait, what?

Yes. Like a full-on, like, all right. On the cartoon, he's like, oh, now I remember. That's why. Wait, what? Yes. Like a full on like. On the cartoon he's like that too. I got to beat up Batman. I kill Batman. Like a speedy Gonzalez voice. And he's got a tank top and ripped muscles. He's a steroid freak.

He has an anger problem. And he's a drug dealer. It's like every possible bad stereotypes of Latin Americans rolled up into one cartoonish villain. Let's get off of racism for a second. I just want to briefly address something about The Fast and the Furious and tank tops and muscles. Sure. Let's get off racism and into homoeroticism. My father and I went to see the film Iron Man 3 at the movie theater.

Good? Bad? I enjoyed it. Good. I didn't see it yet, so I'm just wondering. I don't know why I watched Iron Man 2, but I hated Iron Man 2. I was okay with it.

I thought it was like a two and a half. But I did actually get a kick out of Iron Man 3. Now, granted, it may have just been that it was the first time I was going to the movies

in like a year, but I did enjoy Iron Man 3. But at my movie theater, my movie theater is, we've discussed this on the show, just full of children. Doesn't matter what movie you're going to see, full of children. Doesn't matter what time of day? There was a baby at my screening.

This is a 9 o'clock screening of Iron Man 3 on a weekday. There was literally a year and a half year old at this. You don't see a lot of movies? Do you take shit from L.A. people for not seeing a lot of movies? I always feel like people are like, you just go to one? What? Okay, but here's the thing. There's a lot of promotion for Fast versus Furious number six.

Versus? Yeah, I think Ludacris is the leader of Fast. Yeah. And The Rock is the leader of Furious. Like second tier English Premier League teams. Fast plays Furious. Manchester Fast against... So the thing that struck

me the most is The Rock. Professional wrestler The Rock. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. You're getting Jordan hard if you remember his previous... Keep talking. Keep talking. Is enormous. I think bigger than ever. Yes.

He's like a crazy... He has to be using steroids i can't imagine someone could get that big without well there's no board in acting that makes you not too drunk i mean yeah you don't get doping tests like why wouldn't you do them this guy is so huge but some part of his exercising has pushed his head forward like a turtle. So his head appears to be – Like his neck muscles have just shoved his head forward. If you draw a line down under from where his neck starts down – and look, I'm a tall guy. I stoop just because when you're really tall, you end up stooping because that's how you address everyone around you.

All of us lesser beings bask in your wisdom. His neck, where his neck should go if it weren't diagonal, goes to his pectoral muscles. Like his head is literally three quarters of his head is in front of his body. And it is very strange because you'd think someone would tell him to like do yoga or something i don't know hang upside down in gravity boots yeah it's weird because he has the body of of like a abe vagoda if abe vagoda juiced and got fucking huge like he looks like he should be going i I'm an old guy. I don't think once you've put that muscle mass on,

I don't think it goes away. You've now made yourself bigger. If he stopped doing the exercises, he'd just be fat. Is there a muscle on the back of your neck? I think that's pushing his head forward. These two, whatever these are. He's got too much back of the neck muscle.

Let's take our next call. That's my diagnosis. Dr. Jesse is in. You got too much back of the neck. Next. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Joe from Madison, Wisconsin. I have a momentous occasion.

I was walking in the street, and there was a parked semi, and I hear this music. and there was a parked semi, and I hear this music. I look up, and in the semi cab, your standard truck driver type playing a saxophone, sexily in the Kenny G style. I don't think you'll ever see that again. Thanks. Got to have a hobby. Sexily? Yeah, in a sexy manner, slinky style.

Have I talked on the show about seeing that guy parked at the red light doing a harmonica solo? No. I think I have. Yeah, you did talk about that. In the front, like in the driver's seat. He was like stopped at a red light just wailing on the harmonica. Yeah, yeah. Bruce Shatner.

Yeah. That sounds really fun. Yeah. I mean, I guess the life of a long haul trucker, you have to keep busy. Can I tell you- The instrument I play has no- I play bass. There's no way to do that by myself. I can't be like, hey guys, want to watch my new bass song?

It doesn't work. You just come out, you're like, hey everybody. And you need to plug it in. There's no acoustic- I mean, I guess they do make them for when people have to do unplugged or whatever, But like, you know. Right by my house, there's a man who parks his semi-trailer in his driveway. How is that even possible? Wait a minute. I see it with my own eyes.

How does your driveway fit a semi-trailer? Right. What does he live in, a mansion? That's what I'm talking about. That's what I don't understand. It's a pretty regular house, but somehow he can drive his whole – I mean, it's a full size. It's not like – How much of it – does it go all the way out to the street?

It goes all – The back of the cab? But he can close his gate behind it. He parks it next to his house in his driveway and can close the gate. Wait, I didn't even think people owned those. I thought the company owned them and then they hired the driver to drive them around. The guys own the truck part. No, the guys own their own thing.

That's why they always look so nice. That's why they're always so cool and have pinstriping on them. They just don't. The hall is wet. Because the guy lives in there. I don't know if you've ever seen Over the Top starring Sylvester Stallone. No, I think I missed that one. Well, that movie starts with him impeccably buffing and shining his big rig.

Oh, yeah. While he goes from arm wrestling match to arm wrestling match. I was busy being a person who wouldn't see a movie like that, so I didn't get to that one. Seems fun. Seems fun to be that guy. I think it must be one of those optical illusions like the Winchester Mystery House or the Mystery Spot. So you're saying the trailer doesn't exist? No, I'm just saying like- It's bigger on the outside.

It's an anti- The floor is lower on one side of the room than it is on the other side, on the one side of the driveway than it is on the other side of the driveway. Oh, so maybe it's just half of a trailer parked up against a mirror. Yeah, exactly. This will fool my neighbor. I'll make them all trailer jealous. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Sweet. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm John Roy. John, it's been a pleasure to have you on the program. Fun. I've been enjoying watching your internet television program.

Marin in space. That was a lot of fun to do. This is our friend James Adomian, who's a brilliant impressionist, doing a Marc Maron impression in a Star Trek parody context. He does Maron as a space captain, and then the actual Maron plays the evil Maron in the last episode in an alternate universe. And I am a Klingon. Or a Klingon-like creature. Yeah, we did not. I don't have the eyebrows.

And obviously we're not a Klingon trademark of property of Paramount or whatever. But people don't know that I'm in it, though, because the makeup is so thorough. It's a two-hour makeup job. But you're used to that because of your theme park work. Well, you know, I mean, I go back to my Knott's Berry Farm roots.

I was Dr. Berry Farm, who was a short-lived character they got rid of. When they got the licensed characters, they got rid of the old. They used to have a cast of their own characters before they got the peanuts. It seemed like a bad idea to have the central character that represented the park have those bony plates on his head. It was odd. It was a weird choice, but you just started to get into latex, so everyone was using it.

Like in the 80s when they got the drum machines, everyone put them on. And the thing is, is they thought kids love Stegosaurus. Clearly. And they assumed it was because of the bony place. And the kids clearly love overpriced juice and three rides. I was born deformed and always dreamed of a theme park. I want to make children happy instead of the horror they feel when they look at my face. So I built this wonderful berry farm.

I have a good friend, Stephan Lawrence of Elephant Larry. And he's married to Biz Ellis, who does a show with my wife called One Bad Mother. Great show. And Stephan is a professional theme park writer and designer. Writer. So when he writes the, like, turn back now, folks. The mound's closed. Yeah.

Exactly. That's exactly what he writes. That's a really great video that you should watch on the internet, by the way. But, yeah, he writes that stuff. And I asked him, like, I've only been to Knott's Berry Farm for a wedding which was a bad place for a wedding why would you have your wedding there one might argue a bad place

let's just leave the for wedding out of there it is amazing to me that like I said they have Montezuma's Revenge which is a lovely roller coaster named after diarrhea what should we theme this one after oh shit shit in your pants, I say. It's for kids, right?

It's amazing that here in Los Angeles, there is- I can't believe they have a fucking roller coaster named after that. Yeah. That's ridiculous. There's Disneyland. Magic Mountain. Magic Mountain. We're within hailing distance of SeaWorld.

Legoland. There's Legoland, California. And there's also Knott's Berry Farm, which is a theme park where the theme is jams and jellies. As if L.A. was not already a fake, processed, phony fun land enough. We need to build more of that around the city. With the jams and jelly thing! What do kids like? They like jelly.

Who wants a peanut butter sandwich with no jelly? No kid does. We're not gonna get that deep. We're not gonna get all up in jams and jellies at Knott's Berry Farm. We're not gonna go to Knott's Scary Farm and teenagers wearing lip liner. so on and so forth. I love Halloween-themed everything where they're like, all the boys and ghouls, where they have to fucking make puns on every fucking thing. Like a horror pun.

Yeah, like even if it's just your meatloaf is now ghost loaf. That's the worst one ever. John, are you doing any traveling across America? Is there somewhere people can see you? Yeah, here's what I would like people to know about me, aside from the things I've told them, making out with Doug Stanhope. Primarily, you want to be known as the guy who— I kiss those sweet Stanhope lips. I am on Twitter at JohnRoyComic, and all of my dates for my future stuff goes through John Roy Comic. If you are in the Indianapolis area or the Midwest, I'm in a festival called the Limestone Festival in June. Great lineup.

It's Doug Benson, myself, Tig Notaro, Maria Banford. Pete Holmes is doing a live. You made it weird. I'm with me and Tig. It's a great festival. It's in Bloomington. You probably want to get those passes now because I know they're going. Then just Marin in Space just came out a couple weeks weeks ago it's on ifc.com and funny

or die so check that out but basically just uh john roy comic on twitter and tumblr and i've got an album coming out soon and all the information will be all on the twitter you know what i was in the audience while you taped that oh yeah i, yeah, I remember that. It was so funny. Thank you so much. I laughed my fucking ass off. Oh, that means a lot. And I think that when people get this album, you will also laugh your fucking ass off. Oh, well, thank you. It was one of the most fun comedy shows

I've been to in a while. I'll tell you, I'm speaking out of school, but Jordan and I were chatting before the show, and he said to me, yeah, I think John Roy is the funniest stand-up. Are you kidding me? Then he pulled back and said top ten. To be fair.

I will tell you because I look around. He was sincere in both instances. I would say that about like nine guys. Like Sean Patton, when I see him in that moment, he's the funniest stand-up. When I see Kyle Kinane in that moment, that's the funniest stand-up. Rita Rudner. Rita Rudner Rita Rudner obviously Paul Rodriguez

racist Jeff Dunham puppet he's the best right now my friend had a joke he goes hey how did Dunham do last week not so good peanut killed well thank you very much

that means a lot I'm glad you liked the show it was a lot of fun to do our theme music love you by the free design courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. On the boards this week, Lindsay Pavlis. Thank you, Lindsay. She did a dance. How come Sonny D never does a dance?

Because he's fucking slacking. That's why. Because he's a drink. Complacent. Yes. Also, he's a beverage. Still cutting this week's program. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number.

Hey, come to the Boat Party. BoatParty.biz. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye. Bye. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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